Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 409-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 16, 2017

What if you wipe yourself with toilet water to save paper but you flush a bunch so you're actually wasting water? Can you really say you care about the environment? Not sure, but you're definitely probably vegan. Plus, when blind people dream do they "see" what we do? Only twins with different sized penis can help us answer these important questions.  We get the stories the OTHER podcasts choose to ignore. F*** you in your a**? We'll be right there. 

One, two, three. Look at me. I can't hear my beautiful voice. Why can't you hear it? You're probably turned down. Oh, did you do that on purpose? On purpose? No. So it's very exciting.

If you don't know, I still can't hear myself. We're doing what do you mean? You're totally deaf. You're pointing at me like I would do it. That's your fault. Just turn your headphones up. No, they are up. It's with the OK.

They're there. You're going to return stuff. OK, we're doing the podcast live in Breastballs Beach, Florida at the West Palm Improv, the West Harry Palm, the August 23rd. It's going to be awesome. It is getting full just so people know. We will be meeting everyone after the show.

People have asked us that. I didn't say anything about that. Well, I will be. Well, I'm the personality champ, actually, so I probably should. You know what? You can really make a determination for yourself if you're at that show. Personally champ, do it anyways.

Yeah, personality champ. Make sure you get your tickets. Also, the Irvine Improv, we're doing your mom's house live October 8th. It's going to go down. Don't sweat it. This is the one we rescheduled. If you did have tickets to the last one, they did not transfer. That's something we just found out.

And the reason that they didn't transfer is because they're dumb. But wow. Why wouldn't you do that? It's pretty sensible. They refunded people and then you just have to rebuy them. That's what they're doing. So October 8th Irvine Improv, your mom's house live. I'm shooting a special September 16th in Denver.

The first show is sold out. The second show has about 150 tickets left. So if you want to go, this is probably the last week they'll be available. A couple shows that have been added just so you know. I'm doing the Brea Improv for one night, September 13th. So that's two nights or three nights before I shoot the special. I'm doing the Fox Theater in Oakland, two nights before the special. And the week before, I'm in Nebraska, Midwest City, and Springfield, Missouri.

All leading up to the special. After that, my tour continues. If you go to tomscure.com slash tour, you can see all the dates there. Toronto, Ann Arbor, Indianapolis. It just goes on and on. Of course, New York City is now on sale. Jewdork titties. I always feel it necessary to explain to the Toronto people that because of the way

that the festival set up the links, when you go to my page, if you go to violet Toronto tickets and you hit like fine tickets, if it finds you a festival pass, you actually have to scroll down and go headliner ticket. And that's the individual ticket to my show. It's just really annoying. So I've had to explain people on Instagram and on Twitter, you know, a hundred times how to do that.

It's just something they didn't really think through this song. By the way, is easy produced by Chris prism about that prism. Prism, yeah. You said Nebraska. I'm thinking nerd Brassica. Yeah. Yeah. I know there's a better one out there, but.

Nerd Brass. Nerd Brassica. Dude, that was horrible. You have no idea what you just did to people. That was horrible. Why would you do that into them? That was horrible. Because I've never done it before.

I just wanted to try it. You completely blew it out. Say I'm sorry. I'm sorry. God. I just wanted to see what that felt like. Come on. I've never.

Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Why did you do that to me? I've never sneezed on this show. A million people just asked that question. I'm sorry.

I love you. Where are you going to be? All right. Hog tits with you, the 23rd and West Palm Harry Palm bitch. September 22nd and 23rd. St. Louis tits. Mom Zuri. At Hyrium Comedy Club.

And then October 3rd. Narshville. Nadsville, Tennessee. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. Nadsville, Tennessee. At Zany's?

Zany's. Come on, you club. That's good. October 4th. Charlotte, North Carolina. That's a great one. It's a course at Charlotte. At the Comedy Zone.

And then October 8th. I'm with you doing YMH. Live in Sperm Vine. Wait, is Charlotte a one-nighter? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. October 4th.

Okay. Is that okay with you? Yeah, of course. Tickets are now at ChristinaPOnline.com or you can still do Thousand Ranch. That's still good too. Do you like big tits? Go see Christina, do a stand-up.

Yep. Now we're talking. Come on, dude. What are you trying to do to me? It's exciting. That's my, the special of my, special, the title of my special. Do you like big tits?

Yeah, it's a good name. Show me how those big tits fart. It's a good name. Mushy purples. You were voting for mushy purples. I was hard voting for it. Yeah. Page into the managers don't like that one.

No. I like it a lot. Do you like big tits? Do you like big tits? Do you like big tits? It's great. Oh man. Okay.

Is that good? All right. Oh, I added a second show in FartCo. I'm going to FartCo. Where they film the TV show? It's your favorite show. I know. I'm going to do it.

I added a second show there. So just letting people know. Is that in North Dakota? Yeah. I guessed. Do you know that? Wow. Are you proud of yourself?

00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:57,840 All I know is like it's definitely not LA so I don't have to care. There you go. But I didn't, I don't want to be knowledgeable of the world. It's a good attitude. Good attitude.

Also guys, check out That's Deep Bro. I answer people's emails and give them ridiculous life advice. It's super fun. And you did Amazon, right? I didn't do Amazon. Please shop through our Amazon banner. It's very easy to do.

All you do is go to yourmomshousepodcast.com and you do the shopping you would normally do on Amazon after you click our banner. It gives a little kickback to the show. We also have a UK version and we have a Canadian version. Canada. In Canada.

My birthplace. If you live in Canada, you can shop through our amazon.ca banner and it supports the show. Canada is not LA but I still like it. It's your birthplace. Right. Ontario.

Windsor. Proud Windsor native. I thought you brought me out in Toronto. It was really funny. I did. Yeah. You go, Proud Windsor native. And I was wearing a Canadian tuxedo on that show.

Yeah. Yeah. That was really fun. That was a lot of fun. It's always fun to do Canadian. I actually am most looking forward, if I could be honest,

I'm really looking forward to shooting the special and you just spilled on your big tits. I'm looking forward to shooting the special, obviously in Denver. But for the rest of the year, I'm most looking forward to my Toronto date. Is that right? Yeah.

TDOT is an amazing city. I really, really like it there. I called it that. I coined that phrase, TDOT. And now they call it that. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. All right.

Here we go. Let's start the show. But wouldn't you say that all the places on your calendars are places you want to go to? I like doing my tour. They're great places. But I'm saying I love the city of Toronto. Yeah, I do too.

So it's going to be exciting for me. I'm going to do that, too. And my cousin, Bree Bree, might come. Oh, you're kidding. Yeah. Well, is there food in Toronto? Oh, my God. He's going to ask me so many things.

The food's not spicy, is it? Which hotel are you? And then, do you know what time you're checking in? And then, do you know, are you going to go downstairs now? What time should I go with? Is there, can I stand back? I hate that stuff. Can they give me a seat?

Can I also do an after? Do you want me to be there? And then, how are you getting to the airport? Which gate? Do you think you're going to get something to drink before you go to the gate? Do you think the food's too spicy in Toronto? Or will they have items on the menu that don't have spice? I have to wash my hands after, because I don't want to get spice in my cat's eyes

when I pet my cat. And you don't know if I have the enzymes to break down all that spice. That's true. You know, my parents were the opposite of your parents. Like, whereas your parents explain things to you, and they were like, they take the time. In my family, there was a do not ask questions policy. It was always like, don't ask, just don't ask.

So I learned to be very self-reliant that way. I don't ask questions anymore. All right, here we go. I go take a big stinky shit. After I go, I don't use toilet paper, I flush the toilet. I dip my hand, I get in here. Roughly, and then flush again and dip. One, two, three, four, five.

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. I'm in the fucking stand. Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Tom Segura and Christina Pajitse. Christina Pajitse. Welcome to your mom's house.

So rude. Do it. Do it like that. We were, um, thanks for everyone that came out to Ball Sacramento this weekend. The full charge was with me. Oh, always fantastic. Always fantastic. We were hanging out and randomly we heard

two guns and roses songs just like in restaurants and stuff. And we were talking about like, can you imagine what it was like in their heyday to be slash and just on stage during one of those solos and your face is melting off from the drugs you did backstage and you're just like, you don't even have to think to play your solo and it's a stadium. It's like 80,000 people just going like, and you're so fucking high, you know, and the energy and like it's so crazy. They probably have to tell you when the show's over. They're like, Hey man, it's over now.

He's like, what? He was saying, uh, uh, full charge said he read slash his book and that, you know, they used to get so fucked up just drinking handles of Jack and doing heroin and everything that he, uh, one time he called somebody in a hotel and he was like, where are we? And they go, where are we? Dude, we're in Tokyo. And he goes, shut the fuck up. And they go, look out the window.

And he looked out the window. He was like, oh, shit, it is Tokyo. He had no idea where he was. OMG. OMG for real. Just playing those hot licks being on the road. Is that what they call those hot licks? Where they get to ours, the hot lick.

That's like such a dad word. I know. Um, could you imagine also the rate at which those guys were probably getting laid too? No, no, they're out of cum. There's no cum. There's no. There's no cum. And even that guy slash, I wasn't a huge, I was just not a huge fan of those dudes.

I was listening to Bauhaus and, you know, whatever, but his face was totally covered with hair. Right. The hat was like hero on the eye, like on the bridge of your nose and the hair covered the face and the cigarette was just hanging out of his mouth. I mean, he just looked fucked up constantly. I don't know if he was, but he definitely looked that way, but he could shred. Right.

Yeah, sure. Talent. I just remember, I was, I remember that, you know, people would always talk about guitar players and I'm not a guitar player, but I would always hear conversations about the greatest and it would always be, you know, people would talk about BB King or Clapton, always people and Hendrix. But I remember when, when, at least when I was listening to those songs at first, I would be like, is this not a bad motherfucker?

Because it sure sounds like it to me the way that those solos, those hot licks got played was how licks were shred apart, man. I mean, he really did. They made, he destroyed on there. They were an amazing band. Like, look, nobody, I mean, very few people didn't like that band. Like I was God, I was like hardcore God. And I knew all their songs because they played them like in grocery stores and shit.

And they definitely still hold up for sure. The songs are like, you could put it on. It's, it's, it's a solid. Did you have them? Did you have a G and R shirt? I mean, I wasn't, I wasn't a G and R shirt guy. But I definitely had those. I had the tape because that's still like one of the best.

I remember for football, it was, it was one of the pre game tapes. They'd play on the overhead system. Oh yeah. I can see that jungle. Yeah. And, and, and also in the weight room. So whenever we had, I mean, that came on, it still comes on. You're like, fuck you.

You get pumped. Let's do this. Yeah. You're ready to crack some fucking skulls when you hear that music. Definitely. Welcome to the jungle. You know where you are. Yeah.

You want a jungle, baby? You're gonna die. You're gonna die. Wow. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. I don't think I've ever heard you do that voice. And I never want to hear it again. Why, was it as good as my sneeze earlier or worse?

Like what was more horrible? The sneeze was terrible. Yeah. His, and that's another person. Axl Rose's voice is also so crazy. Crazy. Amaze. Now, do you think he still can sing like that?

He's older now. No, I don't think he can sing just like that, but I think it's probably pretty good. Yeah. Because there is, there is such thing as after a certain point, there's certain voices that just, you can't make. Watch your age. Mariah Carey can't hit the note she used to hit.

Whitney couldn't either. Whitney couldn't. I don't think Aretha Franklin can hit the note she hit in the 70s. Like it's just like, you know. MJ too, you know. Yeah, you age. I liked Perry Pharrell's voice a lot from Jane's addiction. He's got a great voice.

He's another one that I don't think sounds like anybody else. It's amazed. It's super unique. That's true. Yeah. It's a weird one. But Axl's was like so famous. Axl.

And nobody, if somebody else, like there's songs where another singer can sing the song, you're like, yeah, that's that song. But if someone else sings Guns N' Roses songs, it doesn't sound the same. You can't do that. Yeah. No, that's a special unique thing, a group of people in space and time and place and everything. You can't replicate. Now, because I grew up, everybody knows I grew up in LA.

And I remember when that band hit, G&R, because they were like a sunset strip band, it was fucking pandemonium, dude. Was it? Like, because I used to go to the rock scene. My stepmom liked of all things Hessian music, like heavy metal. Heavy metal was huge when those guys came out. So we would go down to the Roxy and see bands play. And they were just the biggest thing, man.

Those guys, you couldn't escape them. Did you see them play in a small venue? I don't think so. No. No, but I remember Pirate Radio was this thing in LA. It was like this Hessian radio station and they played them. And it was a big scene here. It must have been so crazy to be like, oh yeah, I saw Guns N' Roses at the troubadour.

Yeah, on sunset. And then the next year where you see them, oh, they're at Dodger Stadium. Right now. Yeah. Well, our friend Alan, who does our hair, he's like, yeah, I saw a fucking James Addiction on Sunset and I saw a fucking GNR. He's a little bit older than us, so he saw all that stuff. Yeah, he saw all that shit.

He probably partied with those guys. All for sure. He's all fucking saw the Pixies, like in 1986. That's nuts. He looks good for his age. Doesn't he? I start to pay attention to that so much more now. Yeah.

I just saw something like some guy died and it was on his bio and they said 53. I'm like, this dude looks 80. Yeah. Like there's people who just, you know, you're lucky because your pops, he looks great. He looks fantastic. 71. Looks great. My mother actually aged very well too.

Yeah. We'll see what happens here. But I think they both looked okay. You're set up for success. Now this actually means it's all on you. It's all on Michael. Stay off the heroin. Yeah.

Yeah. Now you see it all the time. I mean, I'm talking to people. I know. How are you? And then, you know, a Rogan just turned 50. I think. He looks amazed.

He looks great. Really takes care of himself though, right? So. That is the key. 50 is an age where you can look 40 or you can look 90. Yes. Like 50 is like a really, you follow one side or the other. Oh yeah.

Well, 40 is when you hit a wall. That's when you either, you go hard on maintenance. No, I'm in my 30s and I'm like thinking about what it will be like. Shut up. I just don't know. I hate you so much. How much more until you're 40? I don't know.

I can't add that high. It's still a while though. What's going to happen tomorrow? What's it like up there? Actually, I was already thinking that how next year I still won't turn 40. What'll that be like? I don't know. I hate you so much.

I like being in my 40. I like 41. It's awesome. It's fucking great because you don't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck in my 30s. Now I give even less fucks in my 40s. Yeah. You just fucking don't care.

I do like that process of living and aging. Yeah, I do. People don't realize it really happens where as the years go by, you really are like, I don't give a fuck. Every year it's a little more. You don't care about something. It's not that you don't care about everything. It's that you care about certain things,

and then the rest just disappears. You realize how insignificant and not important things are. Yeah, exactly. It's just like when you're in middle school, you care so much about, oh my God, what do that person think? If I wear these brown shoes, and you think it's so important, and you make sure that you don't have those shoes on, like you think that that's someone else's focus,

and then 20, 30 years later, you're like, I'm going to put shit into something to be caring what I wore. No, and not to be a shameless plugger right now, but on that steep road, that is a lot of what I talk about on that show, about life and the nature of it. And part of getting your life too is you learn to focus your fucks really. It's like that book, the subtle art of not giving a fuck. Yes, and I talk about that book a lot on the show.

Yeah, I love it. That was funny, because I bought this book, been reading it, and then I go, you're going to love this book. And then you're like, oh my God, I love that book. I love your voice. I love your girl talk voice. No, it's because I hear you speak all the time. That is not how I talk.

That's how your sisters talk. No, it's not. It's exactly how you talk. Oh, I love your boyfriend here. I love this guy. I go take a big stinky shit. After I go, I don't use toilet paper. I flush the toilet, I fit my hand.

I get in here, three, two, three, one, then flush again, and dip. One, two, three, four, five, six, five, six, five. I love him so much. Now, do you want to describe his gear, his attire? So let's say he's on the non-binary spectrum. Yeah, I mean, the shirt is torn open so that half of his chest is written. It's a torn shirt, and it says sexy vegan, and then vegan on the arm. We all know that he's vegan.

It's either tattooed or it's written in humongous permanent marker, and then it's over the eye, oh, and the other four. Oh, he's got vegan on his eyebrow too. Yeah, and he's got like those, what are those gauges or something in his ears? And yeah, he looks. But then a Bluetooth or something in there. Looks lean. He's definitely vegan, yeah.

He's definitely EET right, and now we know, so he doesn't use paper, but I thought this was interesting. Listen to his. Thinking that I flush, and I dip, and I go deep in 25 times, deep in the buckle, flush 25 times again, point 100 times, flush, dip, get this like six times, and then sometimes do more around here. First of all, I want to point out that, you know, he's big on obviously not using the paper. He's already flushed three or four times.

So he's wasting water. He's wasting tons of water. Tom. So he's trading paper waste for water. Trees for the water. Yeah, I mean, yeah. So people will say that's gross, but the fact remains that when I stick a forge of blue rock on top of some of my various signs of smelters, no one put a smell on

everyone else's butt, you can smell from like at least a foot away. Like you go like a rider, and then you can smell a mining can. My smells delicious. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Did you just see what I saw on the eyebrows? What?

There are no eyebrows. They're shaved and penciled. They're, they're marker it in like that crazy guy that used to live in the rampart division at the bus stop. Are you suggesting that this guy is not mentally fit? What's going on with these vegans? For you to convince China. They love to identify.

Vegans can't shut the fuck up about it. That's the annoying thing. But that's one lane of it, but this is also like a little crazy in the, in the. It's become an identity. Like when the diet becomes an identity. And then look, I, I get it. It's a pretend that I'm licking your balls or your penis or your anus or something. Go ahead.

Go ahead. You can pretend. You can pretend that you have permission to pretend. Fucking hate that guy. No, I don't hate, I don't want to put out there that I, I do not hate vegans. I don't, I just think when you identify with any diet so much, you have to advertise it. It's a little weird. This dude's really into it.

He goes deep in his blood hole with his bare hand. No, hold on. We just jumped over that. Well, yeah. Wipes his ass with his bare hands and the toilet water. And then he goes deep in his asshole. Well, let me, let me tell you why I'm not so opposed to it. Because the tushy and the bidet use the toilet water that's in the tank.

We're using his hand though, Jean. Right, but it's all, it's all toilet. It's all in the same. Okay. You know, yeah, but you use. Okay. Let's, you'll use your hand to wash your asshole in the shower. Okay. Your bare hand.

You don't use a washcloth. It's not covered in shit when I do it. It's not a shitty asshole. It's already a very clean butthole. I know. I'm just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. That's all. I used to use two entire rolls of toilet paper.

Two? After going, this gets way cleaner. So no toilet paper is allowed in my house or no soap. You don't like it. Don't want the door to hit you on the way out. No soap too. Now wait a minute. That's just not sanitary.

So you can vitrine. Because he's going to get the poopy on his hands and in his mouth. Yeah. No, you need soap, buddy. No, he's not into it. He's in the bottle. Why not the soap? It's vegan.

There's vegan soap. There's got to be vegan soap. Of course, like Dr. Bronner's or whatever, that hippie soap at Whole Foods. I don't know, man. There's got to be vegan soap. I don't know. Those guys, he's really, he's big on pushing his. He goes, you don't like it.

There's no toilet paper. There's no soap. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Problems without the past. No, I actually think there's a lack of people visiting his home is my guess. I don't think that there's a lot of visitors at all. I think when they go, hey, did you shave your eyebrows and write vegan on your forehead? Then they go, maybe I won't come over actually.

I think that happened. Now the thing is, is that he's a fairly attractive human. He's not like the other animals. And he's got a clean asshole. He said it doesn't even smell. Yeah, but he doesn't use soap on it. So how clean can it be? He said it doesn't smell.

I trust him. I don't trust him. Okay. I don't trust. You need soap. Hey, do you want to hear some good news? Antiseptic. So much horrible news these days.

Oh my gosh. Here's some good news. The chubby chaser took our advice. Remember that girl? Yeah. She wrote in. Yeah. How do I go?

She writes, hello, Jean. I wrote to you about a month ago asking advice on how to approach a chubby guy I was interested in and just wanted to give you a follow up. I took your advice and happy to say it worked out. I made the first move like you suggested and we went out last weekend. All your suggestions about reassert, reassert, reassurance

and physicality were spot on as he seemed to loosen up as the night went on. I also went out of my way to make sure that night would be my cheat day. So I didn't come off like a stuck up bitch food snob. Good. We have plans this weekend again and I can't wait to get to know him better.

Would he ever date his mom? Does he like Moose Soup? Maybe he loves watching Studio G clips. Guess we'll find out. Thanks again, Hitler. You're a doring fartmistress, Brittany. How about that? That's fantastic.

Yeah. I'm so glad. You guys are doing good. Glad to hear it. That's so exciting. Good for you. I hope you guys get along. I hope it's a long-term mommy.

Yeah. If you find your jeans. I hope you do. It's really great. Really great. Hope everybody finds their jeans. You know what's interesting last night? We were watching Billions.

We were in bed. So obsessed with that show. I know. It's good. It's just good entertainment. That's what it is. I was thinking about everything is over, analyzed these days, meaning.

I feel the same way about stand up. What's the message? What are you trying to say? And then you're like, it's just funny. And like this show is just entertaining. It's just good entertainment. It is good. The guy's got the weird mouth, the lead character,

but I like him despite that. And the wife is. Dan Sotter's in it. The comedian. The comedian. He's great. I love the therapist character. I love his wife character.

She's a real fucking old school neighborhood. Crazy. I like that. And so this episode we watched last night, season two, they introduced a non-binary character. They did. Non-binary. So other people who have been like,

yeah, we've been watching this show for months. I know, but we started. We know it. We might start on Walking Dead soon. Maybe Game of Thrones. Maybe Sopranos. We'll get into that. The wire hurts good.

We're going to try that soon. Yeah. Good stuff. But it was, it's a good day. You look, I like this act. I don't even know what to say. I can't, I call them an actor. Or is it actress?

No, it's actor. Actor. Okay. I like them. I've seen them. Because they are really non-binary. They really are. And I've seen them on Orange is the New Black.

That's your pronoun. They, they are fantastic in that. But it was cool. It was interesting to see how they, they don't really address it. Dan Soder's character is like, oh, I ordered you lunch. I assumed you were vegan.

That's hilarious. That's a really funny scene. Yeah. And then they go, like, eventually, yes, they are vegan, which is funny. Of course I'm vegan. Of course I'm vegan. Yeah.

And they do do a good job with somebody else's like, well, she knew what she was talking about. And he's like, they. Oh, I didn't see that one. Oh, you met, you, you must have fallen asleep. Yeah. It was they. And then the person just goes, like, all right.

Whatever. Not back. Yeah, like, okay, sure. But before that, so we were snuggling in bed with the dogs and everything. And I wore a nice night gown. I thought it would be kind of special. It was nice.

So, you know, anyways, we're snuggling. And then you farted once. And I let that one go. I let slide. I was like, well, you know, fool me once. And then the second fart rolled around. Why do you have to make eye contact with me when you play that drop?

I thought we were kind of making music here together. I don't need the contact. I was kind of playing the sound. It's like when we read our book, our kid, those sound books, yours, you're reading the text and I'm pushing the button. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks.

So. And then I, I got up and I left because it was offensive. The second one was so stinky and you really pushed. It wasn't like an oopsie. It was deliberate. And I felt like you wanted me to smell it and get upset. But it occurred to me that because I've been smelling your farts for 12 years now that I could probably guess,

guess your farts in a lineup. Yeah. Like if they were, I don't know if you really want to get that experiment going ain't going. I don't know if you want to ask like, Hey, how about you guys, you five guys fart here and I'll stand behind this door and then here's what we can do. Now I did these experiments in college where I had a roommate

that would fart into film containers and seal the container and then send the fart across the country. Well, I know that would open it. You could smell the fart. Who did you guys do that to? My old roommate Kevin and he would mail farts to like his friends back home in Seattle or. And they would smell it.

Uh-huh. And it works. They mailed me a fart once when I was studying in England and I got a fart mail to me and it does work. They mailed me a fart from the States. Shauna and Kevin. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. It's neat. I mean, I'm just saying that's one way we can do the experiment is that. It'd be cool to mail someone a fart like that and have them open it and then they just vomit because it smells so good. If it catches you off guard, it's really weird. Yeah.

I mean, I knew what it was because we, we done it as roommates. Like it was a joke in the house. Yeah. They really does stay in there. It does and overseas. I mean, not traveled from the US to England. Unbelievable. Really?

Very impressive. Now the key, the struggle today would be to find the film container because I don't even know if they. You can still buy them. Yeah. Of course. Like on Amazon, we can get a bunch of film. You can go to the photo, the photo lab that I went to.

They have to, has to be airtight. You could ask them, you know what you could do going there. Do you guys have any discarded film canisters? Good for like sealing farts and see if they're like, uh, yeah. You want to mail someone a fart? Yeah. That's what we sell these over here for mail and farts to people. I'm sure.

No problem. I mean, you have to admit that it's a pretty amazing discovery. Like my old roommate Kevin discovered it randomly. Yeah. And it is pretty revolutionary if you think about it. How else would you mail a fart? No, it's incredible. It's incredible.

How else could you send the smell? You could put it in one of those mason jars. Oh, especially with the seal, you know, that kind. Or you have to pull the lever to seal it. I know what you're talking about. Yeah. Decorative. Yeah.

Now are those airtight? Yeah. Now here's my thinking. The scientists listening can verify or not. The reason the film canister works so well is because you have less volume in there. There's less air. So it really preserves the essence of the fart. My thinking is a mason jar can be very large and maybe you're going to dilute the smell.

With all the air molecules. I have to point this out. I just remember, I don't want to forget. Paternal twins means identical twins. See, last week when we were talking about it, we got some messages. Yeah, but I looked it up and it's not commonly referred to as paternal. No, I know. It's either fraternal or identical.

But technically paternal is identical. Is identical, meaning the egg splits into two. Right. Right, the same egg. Right. So, but I was making that point that when we were trying to figure out what that meant, it's been clarified. Okay, okay.

Well, yeah. Somebody wrote, identical dicks are important. Hey, Hitler mommies, I just wanted to share a story about twin penises with you. I just had a Hawaiian family move in across the street from me. The father invited me over to have a few beers with him. He has twin sons and in the middle of our conversation, he said, I hope they have the same size dick or else one is going to steal the other one's girlfriend due to having a larger penis.

My jaw dropped earlier that day. You guys were having the very important question about twin dicks. Sorry. This doesn't answer the question, but it's important. We find out the answer. Love always your Bali, your Polly by flipper guy. Well, this is one of those mysteries that we're going to continue exploring on. I'll never stop.

Never stop searching. Not until justice is served. You see that dick detectives graphics that one made? I did not. You didn't see this? No. Oh my God. It's so fucking phenomenal.

I'm going to send it. Okay. Let's see it. Send the smell. Send the smell here. I'll pull it up on the screen. So just give me a second. In the meantime, Tom, we've been getting a little pushback on a topic

very popular and dear to our hearts. You know, Danielle Dazzoli. We know that she changed it to DAZDS on Twitter. Danielle, she writes, hey, Christina P. Thompson girl. I know this is an inflammatory statement, but I've been thinking about it. Farts do push the shit out. Oh, we're going there again, huh? I mean, it's thought provoking and, uh, let's reopen the topic.

Well, what's the explanation? I mean, we had a great explanation for the other for the shits pushed the farts out. Right. So why is she saying that the opposite though? She just feels that way. Oh, but there's no case. That's a failing argument. I mean, the other person really laid out that we had it wrong this whole time

and you're saying that someone said, no, it's the other way, but there's no argument. And she says that she's been thinking about, I guess what she's saying is intuitively it feels as though farts push the shit out. As opposed to shits pushing the farts out. It's counterintuitive that shits push the farts out. It's counterintuitive. It's not logical. No, it is logical.

But I feel the farts do push the shits out. But then how do you shit? Okay. Think about it. Here's the thing. Here's my case, Yana. Is that, how do I know I have to shit in the morning? The farts are coming.

Because the shits are pushing the farts out. But the farts are also simultaneously pushing the shit out. No, no. But then I can't fart without the shits. I can't shit without the farts. Okay. Well, I think we'll have to table this. Have to agree to disagree.

Yeah. We'll wait a little bit longer on this. I wanted to tell you this is a fantastic, this came in. Let me see. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Chee, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Just wanted to tell everybody thank you for supporting

Terrible. The store. That is terrible. I hate it. The Jake, The Voice Over Artist made this. He did fantastic. It's terrible. I mean, it's great, but it's terrible.

Guess what he did? He did even loop his voice. He said rubbed that many times. That's really good. Yeah, rub, rub, rub. But thank you for supporting the store. There's all these. We have the DJ dad mouth, the black shirt.

People asked for that shirt in black. The rub, rub shirt, obviously. Nobody likes that. Stop Kane has a new shirt. Big Daddy Kane and I did together. Anyways, and there's moose soup. There's a two moose soup shirts. So thanks for everyone.

I always want to say thank you for, for getting them. And I hope you, you like the stuff. Hold on. I have to fart. I feel like, you know what? Maybe shoulds do push the farts out because I can fart without having to shit. This is, I think, I think we're all good now.

I think we've covered all your thoughts and opinions on this. No, but think about it. If I can fart without having to shit, then it truly is that shits push the farts out. Yeah. Because farts don't have to push the shit out. This is what I wanted to show you. Look, that's so stupid.

The dick detectives. Fat head comics. Wow. But isn't that fantastic? That's amazing. And look at our outfits. This outline of the dick. That's so good.

And the dick here and the dick detectives. That's great. It's really fun. That's really fun. So fat head comics on Instagram and Twitter. Thank you very much for the dick detectives graphic. Dondon. Yeah, it's really great, man.

I'm really impressed. Do you want to hear some emails about deaf people? Yeah. Okay. So last time, you know, the problem with this fucking order box, we asked how blind people, no, is it deaf people or blind people, how they wake up? Definitely.

Yeah, yeah. This person writes in Bridget, my college roommate was not deaf but would sleep through any alarm. She bought an alarm made for deaf people. It was a mat that slid under her mattress and would shake her whole bed at the set time. I've always wondered about, that's really interesting.

There are people out there that cannot wake up. Isn't that amazing? I know. I remember my buddy Steve in high school. We, you know, we would crash at each other's places all the time and the alarm could be next to his head full blast. And I would be like, and I just look at this dude like, and you could just go and start shaking them.

Sleeps right through it. I don't understand that. He's tatch trying. I know, I don't think so. He's slow. No, he's just got a big head. Yeah. I know people like that.

I hate people like that. I know. It's super annoying. Or like I'd pick him up like a Saturday morning we'd have, you know, they'd have to make you go to practice sometimes on Saturday. So I drive over to his place and pounding on the door that's next to his bedroom, pound, pound, pound. And I could hear the alarm through the door.

So annoying. Jane, by the way, my younger sister, if she falls asleep on the couch at midnight and you're like, oh, go to bed. You can, you can take her, you could drag her off the couch, leave her head hanging on the couch. Her legs are on the couch. Still wouldn't wake up.

You can push her. You can smack her in the face. Nothing. So crazy. I don't understand how you could sleep that deeply. I guess they're neurological. Maybe they, they shut down so completely more so than, you know, other people.

I don't know. Yeah. But I heard about us. Once we started asking people have come up to me even at those shows and they said about a shaking bed. Okay. Well, here's another one. We asked, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Another thing is people, deaf people use flashing lights. A doorbell ring would be a quick ding dong or an on-off succession of flashing lights. And a baby crying would be rapidly blinking lights to indicate, wow, wow, wow. So like how do they get around the house and do doorbells and stuff like that? They use lights.

Makes sense. Yeah. But I guess you have to have those lights in the room, obviously, that you're in, right? Yeah. Yes. Yes. Of course.

Yeah. So do you put them everywhere? I guess so. I guess so, or the whole house must blink. I don't know. Yeah. Beats a shot at me. Anyway, here's another very thought-provoking question

about blind people that came in. 00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:17,920 Okay. Corey from JewdorkTitties writes in, hey, Hitlers, how do blind people find the Braille signage in public places? No shit, right? Yeah.

Yeah, how the fuck did they find it? That's interesting. Yeah. Yeah. God damn it. I mean, there's sometimes it makes obvious sense. Like ATM? Yeah.

Because you're finding out where is the ATM, and you're directed towards it by somebody, and then once you get there, you can read the Braille. But I don't know. I mean, that's interesting, right? Yeah. I guess your guide, maybe have a guide, and the guide is like...

I told you about this, about the time I was in... It was in New York, and in JewdorkTitties, and there was a blind guy across the street going like this, waving his hand over his head, and he started to do it more and more aggressively. And I guess what he was doing was he was signaling that he needed somebody to walk him across the street. But he wasn't nice about it at all.

So when I went up to him, he goes, God damn it, I've been doing it for 10 fucking minutes. And then I walked across the street with him. He's like, and then when we got to the other side, he didn't say thanks. He was just like, Motherfucker, and he just kept walking. Because I think that light didn't have the... So he just stood there, and...

But I was like, I mean, I was hesitant to approach. I was like, I don't know what this fucking guy's doing. Yeah, why is this crazy person waving? He wouldn't know what that's about. He said he was waiting, waiting for someone to help him. Did you give him a rub rub rub to thank him? Yeah, I said, do you want me to kiss you on the penis or anything like that?

And he was like, yeah. He's like, that's what I've been waiting for for 10 minutes. You have to sharpen the knife. You have to, yeah. So you have to do sometimes. You know, I was at the comedy store this weekend, and I took pictures of people, and I was talking to fans in the hallway,

people will listen to the show, and everybody was like, God, Christina, you are the personality champ. Because where's Tom right now? Like, he's not even at the comedy store taking pictures of me. You just absolutely sealed your fate, because hundreds of people in Punchline Sacramento were like, I'll tell you one thing, Christina didn't meet us after the show. Do you know, and you want to know something?

I'll be 100% honest here. The reason I did not. They have metal detectors for people going in. So I was like, I'm kind of scared, honestly. And I don't think that our fans are gun-wielding lunatics, but I was like, if they're fucking making these people go through metal detectors, I mean, it just spooked me a little. I don't know, but I still, I was spooked.

You were spooked? You know, bit. Really? I swear. Sack town, huh? I swear. I had a guy walk by me, and he had that midday drunk swag, you know, where he was like,

I could see him walking up and he was like, I could see he was like talking shit to nobody. Talk shit? But you know how alcohol will give you a little more? He was like, motherfucking shit. And then as he walked by me, he was like, I was born in this city and I'll put my foot up your motherfucking ass. And I was like, okay.

And then as he walked by me, he turned around, he goes, come into a theater near you. Well, I was like, this dude, that means that's some serious. That's like an old school thing to say too, you know, coming, I feel like that's a 20 year old, like reference. Wait, he said that by the club? No, this is downtown. The mattress store?

No, no, not by the mattress store. That location is weird. That's what I'm saying. And that's another reason I'm kind of like, I don't know. Are you scared to meet people? Yeah, because I don't like to locate. The mattress store is weird. Also, I had a lot of weird experiences in the hotel.

Like I feel like there was a lot of just zombies, weirdos around. I was like, I don't know. It's a weird area, but at the show, you should feel all right. Like I said, I trust your mom's house fans, but there were other people at the shows, not just mommies, you know? Like, you know, it's weird as motherfuckers go stab me or something. Yeah, okay. I didn't know you.

I mean, it's different being a woman, I guess. Hell yeah. But it's also different having a super sour personality, like you do, you know? So maybe that was it. I don't have a sour personality. That's terrible. Yeah, you do. Look who's fun.

First of all, I'm fully hydrated. I have two Fiji waters. Okay. Super fun. I have this fun Guatemala mug that our nanny got us. I mean, he got me because I'm fun. I like to have fun. Where's your fun Guatemala mug?

I don't have a fun Guatemala mug. You shouldn't get you one because she knows that your personality doesn't appreciate fun silly things. That's why? Oh my God, I have an update on Bitsy. So she's been dragging her ass, scooting, scooting, scooting, and we took her and they checked her anal glands. She's been on antibiotics and everything.

And turns out today she's got a little rashie on her vulva, on her vulva. So now we have to put cream on our dog's vulva three times a day. And she's wearing a cone so she can't lick it. Poor little girl. And she's taking three different antibiotics just to make sure we kill whatever it is that's bothering her vag. Then we have to put the cream on our dog's vag three times a day. She's been dragging her little box everywhere.

And now she keeps trying to lick on it and she can't because the cone's on. A lot of Gypsies got mad that Tom Segura said the word Gypsy on television. I didn't know Gypsies had time to watch TV between pickpocketing and scamming society. All right. That is true. That is true, yeah. Yeah, I said Gypsy on Conan.

You said Tigan. I said Tigan. But then I translated, you know. I said I've been teaching my son when my wife teaches me. Egan, nem, roha Tigan. And I said, you know, yes, no, rotten Gypsy. And whatever. It was just like a throwaway to set up the song, the Hungarian song.

First of all, Hungarians, you were right. You're like, you're going to have Hungarians come out now. Yeah, they love it. Guy comes up and he's like, I enjoyed your show. I understand what you said. I go, you understand what I said. And he goes on Conan. I go, oh, you're Hungarian?

And he goes, you know, he goes, oh, and I go, and then his friends are like, what are you saying? What are you saying? He goes, he's not nice. On Conan. He did a good, he did a really good accent. He did well, I should say. He looks like a rockbiter too.

Yeah, they are hardcore. Hardcore guys. It's funny. Hungarians are very, very stoked to be Hungarian because there's like five of us on the planet. So we're very proud of it. Yeah, I understand that. Nobody who's Hungarian.

Well, also it's about if you're Hungarian or from that part of the world and you're here, right? Because obviously, it's crazy. This is, this is a long way from home. So I would, I mean, it makes sense if you're like, Oh, are you Bulgarian? Me too. Like that's something to get excited about, you know?

I know. Lithuanian, Romanian. Those are all things that you don't find. Transylvanians, they're a very small community. Yeah, you don't see it that much. Just so you know, I'm a hundred percent genetically Hungarian, like all the way back. That's why we did that, whatever genetic testing.

And yeah, like I go back to the whatever paleo. You're from the, you're the big tip patrol. You definitely, my tits are big all the way back. Generations, generations of tits. There was, it was the whole, the whole, the map of the world. All the region was one. Yeah. All are all in my ancestry.

It's pretty nuts when you think. I'm more diverse. You are diverse, but it's crazy. And now I'm responsible for bringing my lineage to this part of the world. Or my parents were rather. That's true. That's true. No, I am.

Cause I had the son. We got, we have a little half-hungo boy. He is totally half-hungo, tough. Yeah, yes. He was, I don't like naps. I like work. Those are your first words. What a hot-tick-eyed.

Speaking of that part of the world, do you want to hear an accent? It's pretty interesting. Just see if you can decipher what's being said. Oh boy. How are you doing? How are you doing? That's some day.

Good for a dather. How are you? A bit more like a tear now and gone. Fatty roosters. Well, it's not really fair, cause I do think there's a little bit of drunkenness. Wait, with who? In mental illness.

With this guy? Well, it was submitted. They said, uh, you guys know accents, so. Well, again, it's also nonsensical because he's a drug and probably schizophrenic too. I don't know about your diagnosis. I don't support it. I'm saying if he may have had a drink yet today,

or maybe the day before he had a drink and he's just about to enjoy his cigarette, it's possible. But I don't think that, let's just go back to what he's saying and not focus on your rude diagnosis. So let's see here. Wait, okay.

Clearly the first man says, How you doing? How you doing? Yeah, I got that part. I got that part down. How you doing? That's so- He said how you doing?

Good for nothing. Good for nothing. Good for nothing? How'd that end? I'd picked a woolly McIntyre and a quann. A woolly McIntyre is quann. A woolly mammoth. Woolly McIntyre.

Raketeering, quan. Oh, bad to roosters. Bad to roosters. The goddamn roosters. Yeah. Beirut, goddamn roosters. And then- What?

I say that someday. It's a lovely day. Excuse me. It's a good- Okay. Lovely day. Excuse me. Hey.

And we'll give it a go, so we'll take a bite of you, the old man, yeah? Crap. Crap. He sounded like Cosby a little. It reminded me of that amazing song. Do you remember?

Where is it? When we did the- Was it the Irvine show? Yes. One of the songs is the vocal fry champ, but they use- They use the- They use the drunk guy.

I think he was also Irish. She's like, Yeah, that was like- This guy. It's amazing. It's amazing. That's a gaping dad with the vocal fry song. I have to say, we have-

You know, every once in a while, you get so much, so many replies, responses, and excitement about songs. That Matt Mercer song from last week, people flipped out for- Yeah. Yeah.

It was really good. I realized too, I was like, man, I know he's made other songs for us. And he made- Let me see. What is it? Vocal fry. He made-

What is it? It's the river song? Yeah, look at the river. Remember that one? You spit out when you heard this song the first time. He made this song. All right, here we go. First time going over the new bridge.

Waiting for this for three years. Oh, my heart's pounding in that beautiful chest. Oh, my heart's pounding in that beautiful chest. Look at this. Here we go. Here we go. Peter, overrecol- Look at the river!

Look at the river! Peter! Look at the river! Look at the river! Overrecol- I! Look at the river! Look at the river!

Look at the river! Look at the river! Look at the river! Look at the river! Look at the river! That's Matt Mercer also. That's amazing. That was so funny.

Yeah. God, that dad is ridiculous. Yeah. Hey, wait a minute. Stop the presses. Oh, what? What? You have a dental update.

Oh, my God. I have the biggest dental update. But before I even get into the dental update, let me remind people now that we're pulling out those songs. Every time I log in to Facebook, I'll see- Facebook. Facebook.

I'll see hundreds. I'm not exaggerating. Hundreds of unread messages. We don't do it. We don't- People send emails and they go, check out the- I don't read them.

We only access things for the show from our Gmail account. Yeah. So if you have a song, if you have a clip, if you have a story, if you have a message- Of fart you'd want to send in the canister. All of that, it's your mom's podcast at gmail.com. It is-

There's no house in the email address. Your mom's podcast at gmail.com. I just wanted to make it clear. If you've been sending stuff on Facebook, we don't- We don't check it out. Social media. All right.

So- Oh, it's so big. I can't believe we forgot it. I know. So, it's been- I will say, I've been pretty good. I've been pretty good lately with dental care. This is the-

I went seven months, you know? You're supposed to degree six. Yeah, so seven months ago, I had my teeth cleaned. I went back for a cleaning, but I also scheduled a in-house whitening treatment. Hold on. Before we get there,

how was your report card? What was your gum score? Oh, I was just as solid as last time. Yeah, no depreciation. Okay. What are your numbers? Let's hear them. I forget which numbers.

Because I always hear one, two, one, two, two. Like, I'm always really good. Yeah, that's what he said. He was probably like eight, nine. Actually, you want to know the truth? You can call him and ask him this. He said, Beth said a teeth I've seen in a year. Really?

Yeah. That's inaccurate, because he said that about my teeth, and I was there less than a year ago. Thank you very much. So- I'm the teeth champion. You're not.

Oh my God, my teeth are so much better than yours. If we did teeth champ, I'm definitely the teeth. Look at those. Disagree. Look at those pearly whites. Disagree. You look like you have dog teeth. Oh my God, my teeth are so much better than yours.

You always have those canine problems. What canine problems? You have that tooth filed down all the time. Your teeth are sharp and jagged, like jagged tic-tacs. Look how white they are. Anyways. Barely. You can see them though, because of your big lips and facial hair.

Are you done? Go ahead. So I went there. The cleaning was fun and fine and just painless. It wasn't fun, but painless. The cleaning was like no problem. Yeah, no blood. No, good.

It was, it was all good. When they're done, I was like, oh, that was actually pretty quick. Then they go, now we're going to do the whitening. And man. So first they put this thing to give, like so you can give blowjobs, like it opens your mouth up really big. And I posted that picture on Instagram. It did real well.

People really liked it. 00:55:33,200 --> 00:55:33,840 And then they put. They did that when they give you braces. They try to separate your lips from touching where your teeth are going to be. Then they put a protective gel on your gum line. And then after that, then they put this fucking hydrochloric acid on your teeth to start bleeding.

And then they do multiple rounds. Four in an hour. So the first round went by and I'm like, oh, I had my thank God. I had the headphones. I was listening to a podcast. Then I go, motherfucker, second round, I start to be, oh, I go like this to wipe something on my lip and my finger touches it. And she goes, you're going to burn your hand.

And I'm like, okay. So she wipes my hand. Well, a little bit got on my lip and started burning my lip. So I had to write on my phone, my lip is burning. And then she took a cloth and she wiped my lip. By the third round, I was definitely feeling burning in my gums and a little bit on my tongue. Oh God, that's the worst. She did the thing where she sprayed into the gum line and then sucked it out right away.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That helps. But after that final round, I was like, this is burning pretty bad, you know. Shit, whites man. That night I had like shooting pains in my teeth. Yeah, yeah. Well, you're burning enamel, the layers of enamel off your teeth. But it is worth it.

It's so worth it. I mean, your teeth look so much better now. I'm so happy for you. They're not buttery yellow. Again, people don't really see your teeth a lot because you don't smile much because you're not a good personality. You don't have a good personality. Yeah.

Um, so I don't know if it's totally lost money. You know what I mean? Yeah. But it's good that it's there. Let the teeth are white. Appreciate you. Appreciate you. Appreciate your thoughts.

It's been nice for looking at you. I bet it is. I'll tell you that. Yeah. Yeah, I bet it is. Yeah. You're so mean to your parents. You're like, you're always like, can I pay for you guys to do it, please?

Oh yeah. Yeah, it's true. I wanted to. Do you think your dad would do it? Your dad needs it. Yeah. Can they treat dad now? Like if you were to go to a dentist.

I don't know. I mean, I don't know if they would actually treat him because I remember when she said, we're going to do your teeth whitening. I go, yeah, she goes, show me your teeth. And she held up like this, all these little teeth on a, on a, I guess on a, what's it called? On a thing, right? On a. Like a stick.

Like, yeah. Like a stick. It's to see all the different shades that your teeth aren't going to be. And she goes, okay, you're in this shade. And she goes, you're lucky. It's yellow and not gray. She goes, if it's gray, this won't work. She goes with yellow on a, like a yellow hue means we can.

You can lift the color. But she goes gray. We can't do it. Interesting. So you're saying that your dad's gray. I think a lot of old people are gray. Oh, right. Yeah.

It's rotten. Yeah. And that, that's probably what it adds to the dad mouth is the grayness of the teeth. It's probably the bacteria, the dying, decaying. Teeth in your head are making your mouth stink bad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a lot. And your gums are probably old and stinky too. It's just probably the age of your mouth that makes your dad's get dad mouth. And just what kind of maintenance are you doing? Like anything else? Are you taking care of it? Got to maintain. You got to maintain.

Yeah, he is. I don't think your dad flosses. Would you say that he flosses? No. No. Never. No. And probably reluctantly goes, you know, to get things done.

Yeah. Teeth and gum care, I'm sure. I'm like, oh God. Got to go there again. Like I went last year. No, you didn't. Well, I went two years ago like that. Yeah.

Does your mom floss? I'm sure she doesn't. Yeah. That's my guess. I don't know. Maybe like, she's the kind that's like, oh, this is annoying. I just had corn. It's bothering me.

Let's get it out. Most people are like that. I say that's when most people floss. Right. That's, but that's the only time. I haven't seen her being like, oh, I got to floss. I'm going to bed. My sisters are actually really good at dental care.

Well, yeah, Jane's got great teeth. Yeah. And I always remember Maria like flossing all the time. Yeah. She's got great teeth too. Yeah. Very hygienic. Those two are good at it, but the folks, not so much.

Disgusting. My name is Daniel Paoliozzi and I'm a cat consultant. I give advice to 500 individual clients and their cats. So this asshole, wait, gets better. Today, we visited Bill. Bill has three cats. One is urinating on Bill while he is sleeping. Okay.

He eventually surrendered to my advice and asked a cat permission for what he wants. What? That's the kind of advice that he gives. Hold on. If your cat is fucking pissing on you or your dog, I'd say that's a sign of severe behavioral problems with a cat and the cat does not respect you. This guy doesn't see it this way. He thinks, wait till you hear the language he uses.

I teach human clients to the better slaves. I am at the voice of what these cats are trying to tell the people who are them. What? Yeah. I am the voice. You know, is this the fundamental difference, the divide, if you will, between cat and dog people? Is that the cat people are more?

I thought you were talking about how we're on the brink of civil war in this country. What were you saying? No, no, no. The very important stuff. Come on, we don't talk about that on the show. The very important divide between cat and dog people is that people who love cats really love being treated poorly and they see themselves as submissive to the cats. Yeah.

Dog people aren't, I don't think we're that that way. No. You have to be dominant. That's what he said. 01:01:26,240 --> 01:01:29,120 He wants his human clients to be better. To be better slaves. Right, because in cat, I'm saying my best friend's a cat person and she's always talking

about, you know, the cats being a jerk, but they are submissive to the cat's needs. Right. It's different in the dog world. You have to show them more of the dominance. You have to be dominant. You have to, otherwise the dog, they have free reign and it's not healthy for the dog. They actually don't like it, yeah. Right, so I'm just saying it's two different worlds.

I'm not judging it. Dogs like control. They need rules and boundaries. Cats set the tone of the house and then you have to. And they're free room. Yeah. And then you, yeah. It's, I think it's harder to discipline a cat.

How do you even, I've had cats growing up. You don't, you just don't, right? They just do what they do and you adapt. Yeah, exactly. They fuck up your house and piss on you while you sleep. Piss on you while you sleep. And you're just like, well, that's what Mckinney does. Yeah.

So he finally asked for permission. So wait, so what? To sleep there? Yeah, well, I'm not sure. So wait, so. To what, to sleep there? You know, walk me through this. Is there more?

Oh, there's more. Oh, I love it. My consultation is finding out what's going on with the cat to not only understand the body language, but the emotions of cats. Oh, there's your favorite. My favorite thing. Right there.

Oh, that's some good stuff right there. He's my, see, my favorite would be, he goes, right, see, he's, he's upset about when you leave without telling him. And I go, yeah. I think he's happy right here. And then he goes, no, he's not. How do you know that?

01:02:57,840 --> 01:03:00,480 How do you not know that what you're interpreting as his acting out or anxiety, isn't his joy? Did, is it in his diet? Did you read his diary? Babe. When he went to bed last night? Babe. He has tattoos of cats on his body.

He wears cat apparel. The guy is an expert. Okay. Sure. My experience comes from working in the animal shelter system here. See. So let's go. It's hard work, but.

That's how I work. This job because I love people and I love cats. Oh, I know. I wonder if he knows our friend that also works in the animal shelter system. Probably. Should ask her. Yeah. You're like, Hey, do you know this clown that does a cat consulting?

Well, my friend also loves cats too. She might, they might be a match made in heaven. They might be perfect for each other. You can learn a lot about how to find the world. Cats, they live moment to moment. And here we go. I'd say all the, all animals do. Stupid.

Here's their emotions. I'm happy to see you. I'm getting upset. Let's be best friends. I'm interested. I'm crazy about you. Feeling loving. I'm worried.

Cats in the world. Cats. Sure. Live moment to moment. And I think that's what a lot of people don't necessarily do. Cats live in the meow. Oh, that's cute. Cats live in the meow.

I love that. Of course you do. Meow. They live in the meow. They live right now. Right now. Press pause. Hey, do you think we're going to get a cat soon?

That'd be fun. No. Come on. You can let it be an outdoor cat. I'm not against it as a species, but I'm allergic to them. Oh, well, it would suck. Yeah. I like having cat around.

Cats are fun. What is this person? Plus I catch everything. I know too much about my dad preferences. With all the talk of Tom not wanting to know what gets top dog hard, I can top that. Oh, God. After my dad's second marriage ended,

we lived together, just the two of us. Eventually we got fairly comfortable with each other and he started dating again. One night he came home from a date. I asked him the usual. So how'd it go? He smiled and then proceeded to shove two of his fingers. He just used to stir his dates paint up to my nose.

Now she's my stepmom. Keep it high and tight. Storm. Kind of nasty as hell. Oh, fuck. Storm. That could be a guy or a girl. I hope it's a guy.

Perfect show for this. Yeah. That's really, I don't know why parents don't understand that even though they're adult, everybody's an adult, the child being an adult as well. Yeah. We don't want to know things about your life. I have a friend who is living with his dad.

Yeah. And his dad fucks with the door open. Yes. Yes. He told me about that. And then he was like, dad, please, could you shut the door when you fuck your girlfriend? And he was like, the dog's in here.

And he said, the dog will get nervous if I shut the door. Sure. He's like, I don't care, man. I don't want to hear you fuck. Don't you love when- His dad was just like, what is your deal? What's your problem? Well, the dads are narcissists who don't even think

about the children's feelings or anything, right? Why should your friend have a right to say anything? But don't you love when people have lame excuses for stuff like that? Like, the dog. Yeah, the dog's here. I have to traumatize my son by fucking in front of him. Yeah.

Wish I could close the door. The dog. I mean, it's not about the dog, you asshole. You're just an asshole. Love's his dog needs a pee while I'm fucking. You gotta be able to get out. Stupidest reason. I know.

Another email came in, do blind people dream? They said, if so, do they dream in pictures, smells, or touches, Dave? Oh my gosh. Let's see. That's a good question too. Well, I don't know. I feel like it's obvious that they dream.

They dream, but do they dream the same way that sighted people do because we see things? Like, how do they see their mind's eye? Well, they have a vivid imagination. I'm assuming, right? Yeah. I don't know. If you're blind, can you tell?

I mean, but here's the thing. What you describe, would it be, you know what I mean? How do they know that they're seeing things differently than we do in our mind's eye? They don't know unless you've been, had your sight and then lost it later. 01:07:13,760 --> 01:07:16,240 And if you were born blind, how do they know?

How do we know? It's just fucking LSD trips all day. And your dreams are like fucking psychedelic showdowns. I love it. No, I do want to know how you would describe what you see in your dreams. Oh, here's an email that came in about playing against disabled kids.

Last week I talked about in football when we beat a deaf school. It said, hearing you talk about playing the deaf kids in football sparked many of my classic memories from childhood. I am from Indiana where basketball is life. And in grade school, I was playing against a team that had a kid with a nub for a left arm.

I had to apprehensively guard him and immediately wanted to jump off a building when my super intense competitive dad yells for the stands, make him go left for the whole gym to hear. Oh my God. Classic. Just thought I would share.

Thanks for the most entertaining podcast out there. You make my 10 hour work day go quickly. Keeping it high and tight. Bo. Thanks, Bo. Yeah, I remember playing in those little league games against a few nubs too. Yeah, there was always a...

In the little rec league teams, they always had like a kid missing a hand or something in basketball. Yeah, there was some drug in the 50s, I think that mothers were taking. I had a teacher in college who had the baby arm thing too. And it was from some drug they gave her mother. In football, by the way, I saw...

I've seen it on the news. I'm sure people have seen this on the news. There's this clip with social media, it's made its rounds these days, of this guy who played in high school game with no legs. And so he's just like, he has little nub legs, and he would waddle out there and actually play football. How did he...

Did he have like a machine, like a wheelchair apparatus? No. Seriously, he would just on whatever legs he did have. And I think he had like half arms, but then half full arms either. And so he would play on the line and they would, you know, he would just go out. It was...

I mean, that was amazing to see that this kid wanted to do that badly. Yeah, dude. Well, there's a wheel, there's a way. Yeah. And I guess now too with technology, they can, you know, maybe you can build things to help. Yeah, well, I don't think he could do that in...

That was that, this particular case, but I'm saying like other stuff. Yeah. That's cool. That's pretty nice. Noice. What's it called? Noice.

When you want to burp, but vomit. No, please. I don't want to hear this topic. My girlfriends, Savannah and I, were intrigued by new vocabulary. When you try to shit, but only a fart. My favorite is imposter, which is a good one. An imposter?

Yes, I like that one a lot. But while we were hugging ourselves to orgasm, we were wondering why there's no word for when you try to burp, but you accidentally vomit. There is a word. We propose the word, Europe. No, verb.

No. No. Also, what if you cough and then vomit? That's called a comet. Stop it. I know mommy Tina loves her vomit. So this will be helpful. Love, John and Suzanne.

Now, being the, the, a metaphobe that I am, stop it. I know the word. It is called a burp. A burp. When you go to burp, but you vomit, it is a burp. And I haven't had a burp in several years, but as a child had several burps. I don't know.

For some reason, childhood, there was always, you're always pushing out burps and so you'd burp. Yeah. That happens, right? Yeah. Yeah. Did you, uh... I hated burping.

That was the worst because then you'd taste burp. Remember when you'd have to take a sip of like cactus cooler or Dr. Pepper? Oh, yeah. A little bit. 01:10:46,160 --> 01:10:48,160 Yeah. Babe.

Man, it took me a, I was, I was really on top of it. I had to get those fingers ready. Yeah. Okay. I don't like it. We're back. No, we're not. And I don't trust you.

And I don't trust me. The minute I put these headphones on, you're going to play another barf clip and I know you. I won't. I won't. You look so much like Robin Williams when you smile. You always say that. More like Patch Adams though.

I don't know why. I don't look like Patch Adams. A little. I do not. I knew it. I could fucking hear it. Oh, yeah. You're the worst.

Yeah. I'm not going to put this, stop it. I can hear it on the headphones still. Okay. Did I tell you the email that this girl wrote in a while back? No. I'm not going to put these on if you play barf clips.

Your trigger finger is hot. Let me see your hands. Put your hands up. Okay. Anyways, there is a girl who wrote in because she knows I'm in a metaphobe. Yeah. And. Is that what it's called?

Uh-huh. A metaphobe. A E-metaphobia. To E-met is to throw up. E-M-E-T. Oh. A metaphobia. And she said there's a pill you can take that

will paralyze your stomach so that you don't vomit. Yeah. Have you taken it? No. Did you get it? Yeah. Do you do have it? Well, because I read about it and like let's say you have the stomach flu or something.

It's just spasms of the stomach muscle. It's not necessary to vomit. I know what you're doing and I fucking saw you doing something sneaky. There's nothing over here like that. There's something sneaky happening. No, there's not. You think I'm fucking new to you, dude? Dude, I know your farts in a lineup.

I know what you're doing. No, it's not. There's nothing over here like that. There isn't. There's nothing on this like that. I promise. I promise. I swear.

This one doesn't have it. This one doesn't have it. It doesn't. This one has this. You know your rock. You guys are doing good. That's what that has. Better watch out.

I'm just saying this one doesn't have that. Do you want me to touch your penis? Yes. Then don't play any more puke clips. Come on. Don't ruin the fun for everybody. So fun. Do you know how much the audience likes

when you hear comic clips? They don't like it. Yes, they do. They like it. They message me about it. Stop it. Yeah, they like it. That's terrible.

They like my suffering. Yeah, they like it. They react. It's a genuine reaction. That's why they like it. They want to see genuine stuff, you know? You're the worst. Okay.

You're the worst. I'm shutting it down. I'm shutting it down. No, you're not. Yes, I am. You just lost all my trust. Babe, that one was an accident. I didn't mean to do that.

I didn't mean to. I'm sorry about that. So, babe, it's over now. No, it's not your line. No, it's over. It is over. It is over. Do you want to see this woman get really excited

about eating an ice cream Sunday? I guess a new Sunday came out. Is she going to barf it up? No, she doesn't barf it up. But she gets really excited and she's alone. And she's just like, God, damn, this fucking tastes good. You're lying. Here, look.

Holy shit. Oh my God, that's good. Oh my God. No, you don't understand. You understand. Does anyone understand what I'm saying? So good. Oh my God.

It's like, my chief is like a crunch. There's no one there. I'm craving. It's a, it's a bacon Sunday. Oh boy. I like how she matched her shirt to the decor of that restaurant. It's pretty cool.

Purple on purple, huh? There's a lot of things going on with her. This is bacon I'm eating. Oh, oh, Lord in heaven, this is good. I like that she's that happy. Oh my God. What is happening? What, what is happening?

If we could be honest. She shouldn't be eating that. No, she should not be having the Sunday. The bacon Sunday. No. Too many calories. Do you want to try some? You know, no?

She's retarded. You don't share dairy. So I get it all. Oh my God. Oh, she's. She's crazy. Oh yeah. Oh, how did I get so lucky?

Wow. I gotta take a break. I gotta take a break. All right. Break over. This is very theatrical. Oh, yes. This is the best.

Oh, stir it up, stir it up, baby. I think that's my new favorite. That happy. I feel like I'm going to appreciate that clip a lot the next time I see it. Yeah. Like, I feel like I like it a lot already. Oh, I felt that way before.

Like, you know, when you've been alone and you felt that way. Yes. When you're eating. Especially with food. Yeah. Food is one of those things where you get, sometimes you go, like, especially if you're alone

and there's no one to be like, you got to try it by yourself. I know. And I have been several times. Yeah. Yeah. If I want to do the exact same thing. And you ever want to do this? If there's bars.

Fuck you, Jesus. You don't like it. I like it like that. Fuck you, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, oh, oh, Jesus. This is the pulpit of boulevards. Hey, it's L.A.

Yeah. That's L.A. for you. Thinking about moving to L.A.? Fuck me, Jesus. That's one of the things you can run into here in Los Angeles. Oh, Jesus. I got you, children.

Fuck me, Jesus. Fuck me, Jesus. Give me cash for Jesus. What's happening? I got some water for you. It's Jesus' water. It's a nice lady. Fuck me now.

Things aren't well for her. She kind of reminds me a little bit of... Fuck me in my ass, man. Yeah? It's a female equivalent. Dude, wonder what drug she's on, huh? She's on some kind of drugs. I don't know.

That's so weird. Yeah. Fuck me in my ass, man. I love that one. Whoa. Oh, she's howling. Dude, she's smashing the car. Get it, dude.

Ride it. I love when people clown on them, too. 01:17:39,360 --> 01:17:39,840 It's the best part. Fuck me, Jesus. Can we hear the homeless guy? Fuck me in my ass, man. God, it's a good one.

Yeah. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me in my ass. Do it. Feel good. Fuck me. You're fucking me, man.

You're fucked me. You fucking feel good. Don't move. Hopefully, you're fucked me. Fuck me in my ass. Fuck me in my ass, man. Shit. Shit.

Shit. Shit. Fuck me in my ass, man. Yeah, that guy really does it. And what is the... Ken, homeless... Homeless guy. Homeless guy gets raped by gay ghosts.

Yeah, yeah. That's the name of that. They got taken down from a lot of places though. I think both for its title and content. Yeah, it's because the title was Homeless Man Rape by Gay Ghost. Which is a really clever title. That's why I like the cap.

She's alone, you know. Yeah, it didn't last in a lot of places. So is she. Just so you know, the lady we just played is laying on the hood of a car. Saying fuck you Jesus and fuck me Jesus. And pretending to be fucked and humping the car. Giving a blow job to the world.

Yeah, it's a lot. Fuck me Jesus! Yeah, it's a lot. We're just mocking people that need help right now. Fuck me Jesus! Yeah. Yeah, all right. That's interesting.

Pretty good. All right. Is there anything else you need, Gene? Anything else? I think I got it all. In this episode. Yeah. Oh boy.

Fuck me Jesus! Yeah, thank you guys as always for listening to the show. And we'll be back soon with another episode. And we might have a guest in here next time. And we'll be looking forward to seeing you at the live shows coming up. And on the road, of course, as we keep touring. Oh, this, if you listen to this right away,

this Friday I'm doing Joe Rogan. Episode 1000. Bananas. He's at a thousand. That's so crazy, dude. It's myself and Jose Coco Diaz and Joe. And then that night we're going to do a celebration show at the comedy store.

Super fun. That's going to be a lot of fun. That's a big show. You guys should get your tickets. I don't know if it's sold out. It's sold out in like three minutes. That's crazy. Yeah, but the podcast will be fun to listen to.

The podcast. The podcast will be very fun to listen to. So check it out. And again, thank you for listening. We'll see you next time. Bye, Jane. Here's the Rub Rub song by DJ Boy Butter. Thanks, mommies.

All right. My fellow Americans, there's one mystery we have not yet solved in this country. And that is where all the comments. Where's the comment? Where's the comment? Rub Rub Rub rub rub. Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub Rub.

disposition is most important how often am I doing this? everyday I do 10 Trumpbo Every day I do 10 Trumpbo Razzle Cool stuff, slick stuff, neat stuff Is that left? Is that left?

Is that left? Is that left? Go!