Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 411-Matt Fulchiron-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 30, 2017

Uh oh, it's time to get your act together. Your baby's father, The Concierge, is in the building. If you don't know, now you do. Matt Fulchiron AKA The Full Charge is back and in top form.  We break it down. Everything.  How embarrassed would you be if you made poo in someone's bed? We found someone that doesn't seem that mad. Are all women Ho's in the context that this man explains? is digital Black Face a thing? I don't know, but we sure are probably guilty. Also, it's not a thing.  Sit back, relax and let this one flow. 

Da-da-da, da-da-da! MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC Gene, we're back from vacation. We've got a great guest today. One of our all-time faves. Full charge is coming in. Real quick, I shoot my special. I have a week of shows

in the Midwest. I'm in Lincoln, Nebraska. Midwest City, Oklahoma. Lickin' it, Nebraska. Yep. And Springfield, Missouri. Spring. Wow, come off with something. Then I go to the club that started it all for me. The Brea Improv, September 13th. That's just a few nights before I shoot. Oaktown, the Oakland Theater, or sorry, the Fox Theater in Oakland, September 14th. And then two shows at the Paramount Theater

in Denver, Mom, Lurado. The first show is sold out. The second show has like 100 tickets left. So if you haven't gotten tickets yet, this would be the time to do it. I pick up and I go to Albany, New York. Two shows there. The 27th. Reading, Pennsylvania, Portland, Maine. And then the Sony Center for the Performing Arts in Toronto, Canada. Well, Trans Canada Highway. There you go. That is really exciting for me. And then the tour

goes on from there. Go to TomSegura.com slash tour. And you can see all the dates. There are a bunch of cities still coming up. Jean? Jean, September 22nd and 23rd. I'll be in St. Louis Tits at Helium Comedy Club. And then October 3rd in Nardsville, Tennessee at Zaini's Comedy Club. October 4th, Charlotte, North Carolina at the Comedy Zone. And then October 8th with my mommy doing your mom's house

live in Sperm Vine, California. Yep, craze, craze, craze, amaze. It's going to be nuts when we tell you about Press Falls Beach. Also wanted to say thank you to everybody that went ahead and repurchased their tickets in Mom Australia. It's bananas. Good. Thank you guys so much. A couple of the shows are almost full. So make sure if you're there, I know it's a long ways out. But get your tickets while you can. I don't know how many shows I'll be

able to do on that trip. But I'll be there. It's all on my site. Get your tickets now. Get them now. When is it? It's when? It's in April. Yeah, but it's already like there's a couple that are almost full. Yeah, you got to get on that now. And I can't necessarily stay in each city for extra days. Well, you're not, yeah, because it's the routing. It's crazy. It's from Australia. Yeah. All right. I love it. I love it, Jean. He's here. Full charge is here. Oh, the full charge is already here. Yes.

Well, let's press pause and we'll get into it. And just like that, it happened. The full charge was born and came into our lives. No, it was, it was perfect timing. It really was. We were about to like open the show up. We've been having guests, but we do, we'll do like a bunch of time before them. But you're one of the people that just feels like the show is, you know, still rolling. Your family. Yeah. Thank you. You're one of those early moms.

I know I get in on the ground floor. You know, the studio used to be right by my house. Yeah. I used to be able to walk over, drop science. Yeah. Leave. Right. Go to 7-Eleven. You get your two hot dog dinner. See Brendan Walsh eating 7-Eleven pizza. Speaking of that. Unacceptable. 7-Eleven pizza. No one should do it. No, that's the worst. It's unacceptable. And that's the thing. I mean, if you can get McDonald's for a dollar, why would you get O.S. pizza for two dollars? Right. Like

7-Eleven food to go is a real dice. I remember in high school we would do, in Florida they have Cuban sandwiches, but it's basically a hot press sandwich. Right. And when you've been drinking, that is the most amazing sandwich ever. But if you're sober, you shouldn't be eating there. Well, we used to eat sober post-scapeboarding, which is a little bit of a high, but we were young enough to stomach 7-Eleven chili and nacho cheese. That's the other thing is you definitely continue. Oh my God. It's on. Yeah. You got youth on your side.

You never gain weight. You never get sick. I used to drink like a six or beer and then come home and order like a full pepperoni pizza. You know, one in the morning. You'd be fine. Eat that. Go right to sleep. I haven't done that since July. Don't buy no fucking pizza at a gas station. Yeah. That's just right there. Ready to go. Yeah. How weird. All rules should be shouted. All good rules. Yeah. So don't buy no fucking pizza at a gas station.

All right. Okay. It doesn't sound smart, but he's smart things. Here's the thing. He's not even a woman. Is it a woman? That's a woman. Yeah. Yeah. That's a woman. That's a woman. Stop it. Here's the opening clip. Check it out. Well, I was sitting on the couch and it's pain hit me in my belly. I jumped up as fast as I could get up and I started heading for the bathroom

and I shut on myself for a got there. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't bring a fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Tom Segura and Christina Pajitski. Christina Pajitski. Welcome to your mom's house. Music Music

Music Music Music It's funny. People would think that I queued you up. Yeah. That's what I was thinking. It just happened. It's kind of the energy between the three of us. It's always been that way. It's always been that way. You know what I remember specifically at that 7-Eleven is there's that miscellaneous dog. It's in the hot dog section.

It's not a hot dog. It looks like ground beef but in the shape of a hot dog. Do you know what I'm talking about? It's got bumps on it. Yeah. Bumps are healthy, right? Bumps have vitamins, I think. What is that? Let me get one of them bumpy hot dogs too, man. You think? It's nasty. But what's the bumpy? Is it ground beef? No one's really asked. I think the bumps start to come to when it's been sitting on that heat plate for a long time.

There's something special. I haven't had a 7-Eleven hot dog in probably about 30, 35 years. But they grease it up. They grease it up. And there is a certain amount of magic to see how it's always on that roller. They put canola oil or lard or whatever on there. And it's actually very good. I'm not going to eat it. But it's good. We should call Tate. Tate will eat it. Jeff Tate lives on our couch for like five days and he ate hot dogs and Gatorade for a week. Yeah, man. There's Burrito King right there. Burrito King was right there.

Fucking hard times pizza. Right there. Sushi. The fuck's he thinking, man? Although hard times gave me diarrhea every time. Yeah, but still better than 7-Eleven. That's why it's called hard times. Soft times. Lose stools. I work for that guy. Lose times. You did? Hard times. What do you mean? I worked at a pizza place that he opened after hard times. Oh. I had a job there. I used to serve slices and salads. Oh, good. And then one day I just didn't show up. That's how they go.

That's how certain jobs go. And then I called him and I was like, oh, I can come in this week, after. He was like, you can't come in now. He just didn't show up. I was like, nah, because I had called someone else. Didn't they tell you? I tried to like come up with the line. The nerve. Yeah, I was like, nah, I was saying, he was weird though. You're one of those people that can quit the job or not quit and then come back. I always, and like, that's a lot of nerve because in my world I was always too ashamed to show my face again. Oh, yeah. I worked at a video duplication place for nine

years and I quit and got fired several times and I still got to go back every time. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I think I quit twice and I got to go back three times or go back twice. That's impressive. Yeah, kind of. Yeah. I mean, it's impressive that I got the job back, but it's not impressive that I live, move there for nine years. That's true. But I mean, it's still impressive nine years that, that the level either that you were so good at it or that they didn't have people willing to replace. It's so funny combination of things. Basically what I did was look up

video tapes all day that was in the library. Yeah. And so all I had to do was basically a Google search, but back then no one knew how to do a Google search. Right. Crazy. Yeah. And there was some wild shit on tape and all those. I didn't watch anything. Nothing. Which is hilarious because people call me up and they go, yeah, it's the one with the dog eating rice Krispy. I'm like, I don't watch these tapes, man. You got to give me a title. Right. Do you know what I mean? They were, I just like looked up title. What about like, was there ever any, any, uh, you know, moments of somebody saying like, you got to see this and that somebody pulls you into looking at something ever. The first time I, the first day of work, they handed me the South Park

pilot and they're like, take this home and watch it. It's completely illegal. Right. But I did it. I wanted to see it. I love that. That was great. Yeah. The Brian Boy tonneau ice skating. Yeah. I suspect before shit was dirty and this was a dirty cloney in that one too. Like that. I don't think so. Or he financed that or something. Maybe he became a fan of that and then he was in later episodes. I think I think he was an early on finance here. If I remember right, or at least he was publicity in that he saw it and was like telling people how you guys see this. Absolutely. Yeah. I didn't know that. And the guy that worked at my work was advertising hard too.

Oh yeah. He's trying. He's telling everybody to take George Clooney and that guy. I don't want to mention his name because it's illegal as hell, but I do remember his name. I got a copy of the Blair Witch project on VHS, like a bootleg copy. And it was before people made movies like that where it was like, is this real or not? And I thought it was really nailed the hype. Like they really nailed getting you to like, there were so many people that believed that that was real. I did. That's before you saw anything like that. I thought, oh my God, what is this? People say it's this thing that people are saying is real. Right. And I was like, come on. I was sitting in traffic on Santa Monica Boulevard and I had Maryland

plates still. And that plate that's, these kids pulled up to me and they're like, hey bro, Blair Witch, is that shit real? And I just go, no. And I was like, why the fuck did they ask me that? It's because I had Maryland players. It's hilarious. And they filmed it in Maryland. Hey bro, I thought someone was just randomly asking me. And I'm like, no, it's not real. It's this fucking white boy from Maryland, bro. I'm like, people just know I'm smart to just ask you. Do you want to hear this lady's story? Okay. A couple things with this. Go ahead. Oh my God, she's terrifying. I couldn't believe that was a woman. Oh, you got to play the moose soup lady for full charge too. Oh yeah, yeah. I want to tell you how my day went. Well, first off, I went to the store with

Jake and his mom. We, they brought, and we come home and my belly wasn't feeling too good. And Jake and his mom had left and went back to the store. She forgot something. This story is red. I wonder who she voted for for president. Yeah, right? Well, I was sitting on the couch. Yeah. All right. Pain hit me in my belly. I jumped up as fast as I could get up. Exactly. And I started heading for the bathroom. Yeah. And I shit on myself before it got there. Okay. So I come out of the bathroom and I'll head it up. I come out of the bathroom. Got my clothes and put them on. About that time, Jake and his mom come in.

What happened? Well, Jake looked at it. What's wrong? It smells like shit in here. Okay. Well, that's probably because you shit yourself. Like you said. You shit it yourself. I said it should. I shit on myself. Okay. If it had been five minutes earlier, you would have seen my big dicking ass going up the stairway. She said big dick and ass. No, but she, but it sounded like it. She said, she actually said you would have seen my big naked ass. Oh. But her accent is so perfect. It sounds like she said you would have seen my big dick and ass. Yeah. Yeah. This is an entirely different dialect of English. Yeah. This is the equivalent of Scottish versus

the English. Yeah. They would have trouble with her. I think. Yeah. Five minutes earlier, you would have seen my big dick and ass going up the stairway. Big dick and ass. Yeah. No big dick and ass. Well, I know, but yeah. That's a fun way to say it was. Well, me and his mom and he was out. Wow. She stopped at the gas station. Me and her went in. She got me and her and Jake a pizza pizza. Well, that pizza worked on me because when I got home and they left again, it hit me. So don't buy no fucking pizza at a gas station. All right. Meanwhile, Brendan Walsh walks away unscathed on every time for years. Yeah. Couple things I love about this video. One is her pajamas. Yes. She got little snore noises on her pajamas. Yeah. ZZZ. And

there's sheeps on them, right? You count the sheets. Yeah. Yeah. And the other one is that like for some reason I can hear, I know this is on video, but I can hear a film camera shooting at 24 frames a second. I wonder what that is about. That could just be like an oxygen tank that you think is a film camera. I wonder what it would confess to shit in a pants. Yeah. We know everything's going straight to the internet now. Yeah. Straight to the internet. I feel like you just know life's been rough though with her, right? Yeah. Like right away, you know, it hasn't been peaches. No, but I'm always astounded when. Hasn't been plum juice. I'm always astounded when Americans only speak one language and they can't get it right. Right.

This is the only language you speak and you're struggling. Really struggling. Yeah. Yeah. And and I, and also you've been doing it for years. This is like 60 years, 70 years of trying the one language. There's no excuse. Come out the bathroom and see my big dick in the ass. Big dick in the ass. Me and her. I mean, you think she talked like that when she was 20? She spoke like that. Maybe. No, I think people like, think it's fun and cute to talk like that. And this part of their charm and it gets more disgusting as time goes on. It smells like shit. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Right. Like it's her charm that she can't conjugate properly or yeah. It's folksy. It's kind of charming. Well, full charge. Her PJs are. I think full charge has seen moose.

Speaking of ladies with accents. Have you seen the moose soup lady? No. Oh man. Well, this, this is really, really taken our show by storm. People are really into this. Okay. Well, the irony is you may not, you're not going to see. You don't see her, but, but you still when I say, I know you can picture her. Yeah. I know you can picture what I could describe her just by listening to her. I mean, we put her, you get a good couple of minutes with her. Have you guys ever seen her afterwards? Yes. Yeah. Okay. But not, I mean, we were, we were, what I'm going to show you is exactly how we experienced her the first time. Okay. I'm ready. I think this is Charlie, honey. Yeah, that's Charlie. Oh my God. Oh my God. Shit, your passenger. Son of a bitch.

Damn it. Dirty bitch. Fuck. You guys are doing good. Tom, hurry up. Is that Charlie? Oh, dirty son of a, come down later for moose soup. Moose. Moose soup. Yeah. You guys come down here after I got moose soup and everything. All right. You guys are doing good. Son of a bitch. Hey, I got you on video. Dirty son of a, OMG. Huntington boats everywhere.

I mean, so a couple things. You can picture her, right? I don't know. I know she voted for Hillary. I know that much. I think, I think I can. Yeah. I'm wondering what's, why was she so upset? She said you guys were doing so good. They're racing. They're in a race. Oh, okay. So she's telling them, you guys are doing good. I thought she said you're doing good. Just like riding in a boat. Yeah. I'm like, no, it's a race. He's a couple of minutes ahead of Charlie. Oh, yeah. So she's telling them, good job. Get your passenger and get going. And so, and then come over for moose soup. Does this later? Does the story continue? Is there any moose soup? Well, we know there's moose soup, but we don't actually ever get to see it. But we were so, we were so just excited by

the prospect of moose soups that we, you know, people were, were basically hunting for this woman and, and they found her. I mean, it wasn't. Yeah. She's on Facebook and stuff. So I think she looks just like the last lady. Yeah. I, you know what? Interestingly enough, I think she does. I think you're right. I think there's some parallels. The moose soup lady's younger than the pizza shit lady. Yes. I mean, the stories go together. It's don't eat at a gas station, eat moose soup. Right. The lesson is the same. It's just different parts of the same lesson. You're a hundred percent right. Now, Tom, fill her up, seal her shut. Is it the moose soup lady or is it a pizza shit? Oh, moose soup a hundred percent.

I'm going to shoot to is disgusting. Moose soup lady is going to take care of you. I'm picking moose soup probably because I haven't seen her yet. Yeah. No, it's what you think it is. It is, but I think it's better than pizza. Shit. I do kind of want to get a look at that big dick in ass. That big curiosity is kind of getting the best of me here. You guys are doing good. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty good. So we were in Breastballs Beach, Florida at the Improv. I have to say, I think it's set a new bar for most fun ever at a live podcast. It was more funner than a lot of them we've done than we did. So much more funner. It was bananas. I think

Florida in general, they come out and they come out to have fun. But doing the podcast there was, I mean, they were a rock of scour out and just so people know, because we've had issues before, hired a sound engineer for a premium audio and I've checked it. It's amazing. Have HD video. So in, I think next week we'll put up, even with some behind the scenes footage too, really, really fun, but it was, it was an awesome podcast. Yeah. It was really special. It really was. Top, top few, definitely. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they were so, so into it. It was really fun to do that one. Were you guys anywhere near Top Dog and Clint? We saw, we saw Top Dog. Do you like big dits? Yeah. Go see Christina,

do a stand up. Now we're talking. That's Charo there. We spent all week. We spent a few days with my dad. Why does she speak better English than the fucking she does? She learned English at 31. Right. Yeah. And still better than the native speaker. Way better. And bounds. Pretty amazing. I'd go retarded. And then Top Dog was there. Top Dog turned 70. Wow. That was the whole, actually the whole reason we went and we scheduled everything was because he was turning 70 and what? Oh, I forgot that I actually saw Top Dog's legs. Oh yeah. It was the third time, one time in his boxers in the kitchen and the paper thin boxers. Second time when I saw his balls on the cruise. Yep. And then this time he actually wore shorts bathing suit bottoms,

I'm assuming. And we were, we were at the beach at the hotel at the beach and we were about to go down and it's like, Hey, do you want to come and hang out with the, you know, your grandson? He was like, yeah, he goes, I didn't bring a shirt. All you had was button down like dress up shirts. So I had to give him a t-shirt to wear because he had none. I'm like, you're here for days. You're not bringing a, I forgot. Yeah. And then we did see his pale white legs. Oh my God, they've never seen daylight. I know. They have any hair on them or they just. No. They're sticks. No, they used to have hair. The hair falls out with the years. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Yeah. Socks and pants and shit. Wear it down. They wear it down. Yeah. I already got

caps. Yeah. I already got a situation. Really? Socks. Oh yeah. The lower leg hair goes first from all the socks. Yeah. Shut up. Yeah. It's a nightmare. Yeah, it really is. Yeah. It really is absolutely right. Life is basically a long, long road to eating pizza, I guess. You peek way too early. Yeah. You peek at like 25 and then you just head down for another 60, 70 years. Yeah. Take me now, Jesus. Yeah. And it's just a maintenance program. But then there's a point where the maintenance doesn't count. Like we saw so many people on death's door at the hotel where you're like, this is it. This is your last vacation. That's a death's door state too. That's what you do. Right. Most people go there to get ready to die. If the age don't kill you,

basalts will. Oh, for sure. God damn. But then on the other side, we saw like a super fitness dads and super fitness moms. Like these are people who, when you have children, there's really not that kind of time to be super fit. Like it's the anomaly if you're in like amazing ripped shape. And there's like, there's always like one or two fitness dads and then like this. I think he might be a professional. Like I think we just didn't recognize a professional athlete. God damn. Seriously. He was super fitness dad. I mean, he was six, three, yoked with his blonde hair thrown back, either look like a super model or an international, whatever, soccer, volleyball, play or something. That dude did not look like anybody else.

He's not normal. He wasn't genetically superior to all of us. No, but then there's the fitness moms who totally washboard abs. Yeah, there were some fitness moms there as impossible. Well, you got to have a babysitter and a regimen. Yeah. Yeah. You got to value that shit. Yes. That's actually the biggest ingredient. You got to value it and have the discipline. Sleep too. You got to sleep a lot. Yeah, man. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know, man. I like to be thin, but I don't want to put that much work in. I don't want to try to be perfect, man. That's it. And that's the difference. Full charge. You nailed it. It's like being acceptably in shape versus perfect. Because perfect is just, that's your whole focus is you're,

you're going towards that all the time. How about people are hot as shit, but then like, oh, but I got this little thing of fat right here and they get taken off even though they're smoking hot. I know. I want to go from a nine and a half to a 10. I know. Fuck you. I know. Or some people's gauge, like some people's limit for fat is so funny. You know, like one time, I remember once I'm traveling with Brogan and we were in a car on the way to a hotel and we're in the back of the car and he goes, I'm getting fat. And he pinched like between his index finger and his thumb, you know, it'd be like if you're trying to peel a band-aid off that and he was like, I'm getting fat. And this was like, I mean, this is like tenure. I was like,

what are you talking about? But that was fat for him. Right. He was like, yeah, I got to, we got to correct this. I got to write this ship right now. I've been needing too many Brussels sprouts, man. I got to cut down on that shit. My carbs. Okay, dude. Like that totally, that made such an impact that I still remember it. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? I feel like my bar is low-ish. I'm like, as long as I'm not overweight, like I've had cellulite since I was 12 and I just don't care. I'm like, man, like my time, my stepsister was like, you know, you can run and not have cellulite. I'm like, I don't care. I just rather have to cellulite. It's fine. It's fine. Who sees it? Like Tom, I don't wear shorts. You ain't top dog.

You know what I'm saying? I remember where are these khakis? For me, it was like, what started the whole weight loss thing was just looking at Bert. It's true. And just thinking like, I don't want to end up like that. That's cautionary too. Yeah. So that was, that's what did it for me. Just don't be Bert. Don't be him. That's true. That's a good bar to have. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. Did you see he did like a green screen promo last week? Yeah, I did. And people sent in, like they, they fucked with his green screen. So, you know, he did this. No, he did some, he went in front of a green screen and like was like, do whatever you want to this video. Okay. And then people have, make me cry. It's all dicks.

What's up, Phoenix? It's your boy, Bert Kaiser. No machine. Normally before I go on the road, I like to do a promo for you. Somebody should tell you about my coordinate. This is hilarious, actually. Yeah. Tall of you nerds out there that know how to put stuff in green screens. Good luck. I'm giving you the ball. I want to see you. I will say, Bert's a great host. He is a good host. He knows what he's doing. He really killed that. Next is your boy, Bert. Oh, wow. That's awesome. Somebody really fucked. That was incredible. I made sure to hold these till after the date, so it's not helping. I was just kidding.

No, they're over. What do those little dots do? How do they help you? I don't know. I don't know what he's doing with these. On stage, doing a lot of this. And a little bit of this. And a whole lot of this. That's great. Have fun with this. On stage, doing a lot of this. And a little bit of this. I'll play one. Yeah, I see that. That's weird as shit, huh? Yeah, so weird that he's still like, I'm the machine. He's the machine, dude. Yeah, no, I know. The story's not that old.

Yeah, he's the machine. You're the retarded comic. Everybody's got their hook, babe. Well, we each have our thing. He's changing. We got my parents to both vote to be retarded. What do you mean? We gave them would you rather? And we both of them decided, I forget what the other option was. Well, for your dad, it was to eat Asian food. Oh, yeah. He's like, would you rather eat Asian food for the rest of your life or be retarded? I'd rather go retarded. Really? Yeah. Is that how much he hates the Vietnamese from the war? Is that what it is?

He was like, his first angel was like, I don't eat dog. He'd rather eat Asian person. Dude, it's the Asian cuisine. All of it. He's like, no dog. What are we talking about? Here's the thing is that we actually snuck an Asian appetizer in at that place we ate at with whatever nice Waigoo beef. That was marinated in like some Szechuan sauce. He didn't even sing it. He loved it. Yeah, that's true. Snuck it in there. And there was Korean short ribs. That's what it was. Yeah. Oh, there's two. You're right. There's two things he had. So for his mother, it was... Got dog in it?

He had a restaurant when he said that? No. Here at the studio. Okay. But I'm saying we ended up feeding him Asian and he was like, this is delicious. Yeah, he liked it. Didn't he walk up to a cashier at McDonald's who was Asian and say, speak Chinese or he told your sister, make her speak Chinese or something like that? Oh, because your sister speaks Chinese. Yeah, so I'm not just coming up with something I heard. Take my order in Chinese, said top dog. He's trying to put weight on his legs.

He does that work. I mean, I had like a joke about it in my act for a while, but it's totally true where if you said, you know, I don't know, if you said you're German, he would find a way to bring up World War II. You know, I mean, just because like he just, he goes for the information that he knows. Okay. Same thing with race. Like if you're like, you know, I'm, if you said I'm Japanese, at some point he'd be like, you ever visit Pearl Harbor? He would work it in. So he's about race and shitting. He likes, and he likes it to work out where, I mean, in his perfect world, you're going to talk about the thing. Like in today's world, I think people would be like, why are you just because I'm this doesn't mean I want to play, but in his world,

in his mind, that is, that is connecting with you. You're just associated with that off Hitler. From Germany. Yeah. Or if you're black, he would definitely be like, I mean, he wouldn't bring it up, but eventually like if, if, uh, you know, sports would come up, he would hope that it'd be, he'd be like, play, play ball. He just, he's on it. Yeah. He would just, he would hope that you'd be like, yeah, I play, he'd be like, yeah. Yeah. That's true. He does bring up like the five things he knows about you. Like, you studied philosophy. I'm like, yeah, 20 years ago. Yeah. Yeah. We have this ongoing thing now where I'm elbowing you under the table today's phone call. Boy, is she smart. Yeah. He's still, he's still on that. He is on this thing.

Of course, Christina smart, but it brings it up. He says it. Not that smart. He says it in the way where the implication is how are you able to keep up? Like, is the way he talks to me. And I'm like, what are you talking about? That's the lesser of two evils though. I guess. Yeah. Because it could be your wife, you know, if a dad could say to his son, your wife is shit. No, he, I mean, he's like, God, God is she, but he says it like that every time he's like, God, she's constantly amazed. I'm like, yeah. But do you know why? Well, my trick is, sincerely, it's that when I sit down with him, I just bring up stuff that he enjoys talking about. Right. Let's talk about Vietnam. And then he'll, I mean, like, how did you take

shits in the jungle? And then you're smart. And then he thinks I'm super smart, but I'm just asking him about stuff that he enjoys talking about, which makes, what feeds the ego. Yeah. He walks away going, man, she's something else. I'm so, I'm interesting, but I haven't said shit. Which means by the way that you are smart for figuring that out. Right. Yeah. I just grew up having to accommodate adults a lot. Softball pitches. Yeah. All day long. Yeah. Uh-oh. Oh no. What are those bananas going to do? Wake up for what? So dumb. For that. Okay. I wasn't expecting this actually. This is interesting. This is not an entry-level episode, folks. No. What a fartnana. Fartnana. Fartnana. Not her idea. So for those of you not watching, this woman just took a bunch of bananas,

put it on her ass, and then farted. And this is the kind of stuff I'm talking about when I talk about fartmistress.com. Which is what we're trying to get my mother to do. What? Yeah. So we bought fartmistress.com. And this is why your dad's like, your wife's really smart because you're coming up with this dumb shit. Exactly. Exactly. We now own fartmistress.com. And if you go to the site, you can send a message to my mother encouraging her to be the fartmistress. How does she receive this message? It goes to her email. It goes to us now. We can send them to her and a bunch of come in. And we really, we're trying to get her to do basically what the fart princess is doing right here, which is, you know, just do authentic videos. I love this girl.

No, she's farting on bread. Yeah, bread. And then she smells. See, this is the kind of stuff I'm talking about. Why not make the genre interesting, exciting to the viewer. And look, she's got a nice place to live. This is nothing. No, that's the that's the house that Flatulence built. Yeah. Those are cigarettes. And she's got a cigarette. She's gonna, she's farting on her Marlboro's. What's blue. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe. Oh Marlboro. Or maybe green is nice. Yeah. She's nice. Now if she were smart, she'd have a film container and then she could smell it later if she sealed it. Farter rats. I like how she surprised. Yeah, I like that. She's being creative with the titles,

with the names of these things. Yeah, me too. Pretty cool. I received some emails about this, my film container. I don't know if you know this full charge, but if you fart into an old film container, it'll seal in the smell and you can mail it across the country, across the globe, and your friend can open it and smell your fart. I like that. Yeah. Fartogram, as this one would say. Yeah. Well, did you ever do that, by the way? No, no, never done. Have you? No, I didn't, but I mean, I was around people doing it. No, I had my old roommate Kevin did and he sent me a fart in England. Oh, wow. And it worked, but I was a good fart. They got shitty food over there. That's right. Yeah. But anyway, some other people suggested just Tupperware too, like Tupperware was a good

suggestion as well. And we've also had people offer to send us film containers. This one photographer said you'd be willing to send us a bunch of empties. I was going to say, if you're going to send your farts, you don't need to do that. No, no, it's not a fart. Just the containers, if you're interested. What a day this woman's having. There's an apple. Oh, he's going to fart on her apple now? Oh. She's farting on the apple. Wow. And then she has to smell the apple. Is she going to eat it though? Fartful. Fartful. Fartful. Fartful. You got it. Keep working on it. Fartapples, right. This is

like a Tarantino movie. Like this is a young version of the woman that she hit her pants. That's right. She used to be so good at farting that she never drew mud and now she's so pissed. Yeah, you're right. About her big dick and balls or whatever. Dicking ass. Wouldn't that be something if she looked like that back in the day? She probably looked a lot better than she looks now. You think so? Yes. How does that happen though? No, I think she was a hard 20. You think so? Yeah. I think she was a good looking 16. 16. That was the last year. A hard 20. Because you know what I mean? Like there's no way you can look good at 40. I don't know. I just feel like... How old do you think that woman is,

the one that should her pants? It's tough to say. That is tough to say. 60. That's the thing I've noticed. She's younger than you think. I've been paying attention to this so much more lately, how different, like once you hit 50, there are people, there are guys and women that are 53 that look like they're going to die tomorrow. And then there's people in their 70s, even 80 that look amazing, which obviously a lot of that's genetics. And surgery. Surgery, but also upkeep care. Upkeep is a big part. Yeah, let's face it. Yeah, money to do that. But jeans, you know, you have to have... I thought you meant jeans like denim for a minute. You want your jeans high and tight. You do. You need your jeans up. Some people are really not blessed

though with good genetics and no, it can really fall apart. Now I went to high school with a girl who looked like 30 when she was 15. Like she just had leathered skin. It's just genetic. I looked like that. It's true. You've always looked 10 years older. Always. It wasn't a thing like you and Burt were talking one time and Burt was like, yeah, that guy's our age and you're like, my man. He's seven years older than me. Yeah. I mean, that's not, we're not light years apart, but we're definitely at the same age. No, but you're definitely, you've definitely grown into your age, like your dad age. Yeah. When we were on this vacation, Top Dog did this thing where he'd never rubbed in the sunblock. Like, you know what dads do and they leave white streaks. Yeah. But you have now

been doing that. Like you had full, your ears were all white and creamy all week, all week. And I'd always try to like rub it out and it just kept going. Dad doesn't need to. Yeah. It's like, who cares? You're so ahead of the game if you even put the shit on. Who even cares? Am I trying to look cool? No, you're just trying to rub it in, dude. Hot. Hey ladies, I got my sunblock on. Right. What do you realize that you can't look cool anymore? It's like, you just stop trying. It's the best part. What are you going to do? Even if you pull it off, somebody will call you out. Oh, definitely. Someone that knows your age will call you out. Yeah, you're right. Hard. 360 dunk in your face. And we're at the age now where I'm starting to get shit where

like kids really seem like they're generations away from me now. Yeah. You know, all the things that I would mock before, everything from just slang, music, commerce, the way they talk to me. It's the worst when you make a reference. So you just, this is like a slam dunk. Yeah. And everyone just ignores it. They're like, what's WKRP in Cincinnati? Yeah, yeah. Chumbawamba. But she's talking about me. You know Johnny Fever? Fuck out of my face. You can't hang with me. You can't hang with me. All right, old timer. Or just the way children look at you now and you tell them your age, like 41. That just sounds like a hundred and one to 10 year old. My niece has called me Pat, Pat. Oh my God.

And they laugh when they say it. They know it's an insult. They do. Yeah. It's funny how they know that. Yeah. My cousin with my cousin, my nephew was being super cute. And then we're on that playground and he goes, Hey, I bet you can't do this. Oh yeah. And he climbed up on this thing and he was like swinging off of it and jumping on. He goes, I bet you can't do this at all. And I go, and I, instead of like going around with it, I go, anyone can do that. Anyone. Yeah, I got it easy. I'm not going to waste my time. Yeah. Doing that easy shit. And you did it. I know, but I also wanted to like set him straight on talking shit. Like you talk some shit. You're going to talk shit to a lot of people. It's going to be different when you talk shit. Right. And

you did it twice. Yeah. You did it twice, remember? Yeah. Yeah. He was like, do it again. You're like, all right, shit. Ain't nothing but a thing. You were swinging off a rope and shit. And then jumping over this crazy elaborate playground for kids, but it was, you know, it had metal bars that curved up and twisted around. So the kids play with it a certain way. As adults, you could grab onto the metal bars and actually swing yourself up and jump over thing, which is not built for that, but you know, people were doing that. You got served. I got served, dude. He's five. I was like, you ain't shit. Get your lunch tray, bitch. Yeah. So full charge. We were in the airport yesterday and this woman standing in line in front of us

sitting on the airplane had her little tootsies out. She was wearing open toe shoes. Okay. And we're trying, we're having a debate here whether or not, because she had black nail polish on the toes, but the growth of the toenail, like it had been done like five months earlier. The pedicure is what it looked like. Cause it had grown out at which point it looked like nails grew really long, really long. It looked like a hung off the front of the sand. So she had black claws that were painted black. Right. But it looked like a French pedicure. You never seen them in black because they, I don't know. I'm debating whether or not it was a French pedicure intentionally. They were all painted black at one point and some of it's worn off

and they've grown and they shouldn't have been out. This is so sad, man. You got to put your feet away. You're going to be criticized. If you're showing any skin, you're going to be criticized. All I'm saying is just wrap that shit up, man. Wrap it up tight on a plane. Yeah. Wrap it up. You'd think too, cause the nails were so long that they would, they would hurt in your sneakers. What about clippers? No one has clippers anymore. You can't clip them. It's just like 99 cents. Yeah. It's real cheap. How does she not see that? She does. She doesn't care for some reason that doesn't bother her. Not only maybe she doesn't not care, maybe she's like, this is pretty hot. Remember when we watched that TLC show? Yes. That lady had craze. She's like,

I've never cut my toenails in like 40 years and they were all crazy long. She's like, I can't get a job. And they're like, you can get a job. You just don't want to cut your toenails. We're all pitching about five honey for you to cut that shit and don't come around here no more. No one wants to see that. She could even put sneakers on too. They had to like cut, they put sneakers on her feet, but then they cut off the toe part. Remember? Like she had some weird fucking guy who was like, man, I'll do anything for her. He was like, I'm just here to help her, you know? Like he thought she was wonderful with her. I mean, they were long and curly. What happened before toe clippers? I don't know. Like if he was walking around with that

shit, that doesn't make any sense. That's a good point. Files, maybe. I think you walked, if you caveman walking around with rocks and that kind of filed them down or something. Yeah, they must have been a really, yeah, because when you let your fingernails go, I've seen it in the Guinness Book of World Records. They're all twisty and turny. And they, they, I don't know. That's strange. Why would God make that? And if he, if he, if he wasn't going to make the toe clipper until like, I don't know, 1000 AD. I don't know, dude. Maybe that's what your spouse is for. The nail clipper is not exactly known, but the United States patent for an improvement in a nail clipper seemed to be in 1875. Hungarian inventor David Guestner.

Man. That's my man. Not saying Hungarian, Hungarian invented it. Hungarian. It works on the principle of a lever. It's a simple machine. It's a full crumb. I don't know. But isn't that what your spouse is for? Gene, to bite your toenails on? Yeah. Do you bite his toenails off? He's asking me all the time. I didn't say you have to bite them. I just said, you know, why can't you just clip them for me? Right? Like I'm laying here watching TV. Yeah. She's not doing anything. Yeah. Why don't you do something? She should get it. She should do something. Do you know that there are probably, and for old people, I understand that old people need to have their toenails professionally clipped. Why is that? I talked to a doctor once about it and they go in there with like a band

saw. They're like, why? I think they grow like brittle and super thick. So they have to like saw them down. I'm not ready for any of this. Fuck me neither. And the shit is around the corner. Yeah. Let's see what it says. History has shown me anything. The time is going to fly by. Yeah, it's surprising. It's not all clear. Let's see what happened. I'm trying to figure out what happened before them. How were they cut before tremors? And if you've used a paring knife, that's how fingernails were cut before there was a designated tool. That's so hard. Yeah. We're getting dangerously close to another set of fetish videos, which are unclipped toenail sex video. No. Really? No. I guarantee it. Oh yeah, you're right. I guarantee it. We just opened up a whole thing, right? Yeah,

if there's people farting on bananas, there's definitely people sucking on shitty toes. No, now we're going to get a bunch of videos. Yeah, immediately. Don't even check your Twitter to know. Super long nails. Dirty. That's the thing. I hate that. Those really bothered me, man. Me too. Super long nails, dirty nails. Yeah, I like them. I like why I keep mine nice and short. Yeah. I like when people got like American flags and shit on their nails. Pack man eating ghosts or whatever, just like really specific, you know, time investment. Race has been really a huge topic in this country for the last few weeks. In America? Yeah, just briefly. You mean the issue, the most divisive issue in America is not cat people versus dog people? It's not. But there

is a new accusation out about how white people are exploiting black people. Okay. Do you want to know what it is? Sure. It's digital blackface. Oh no. Have I said this or this? Nothing like a good reaction gift, right? Yeah. You probably noticed this popular one of black people being traumatic. This is digital blackface. Do you understand what's happening? So they always cut to black people overreacting. So gifts, you know, that people put in on Twitter online. I know that much. So they're of every race of people. Yes. But they're saying that the ones of black people, you're basically almost equivalent to doing actual blackface. Because why we're mocking black people? Is that the idea that they're being overreacting and lampoon-y and over the top?

That's the idea. Okay. Blackface is when a non-black person uses makeup to blacken up. Mineral shows depicted black people in all sorts of negative ways. I feel like she needs a translator. But I mean, there's people listening who are definitely like, wait, what? So what she's saying, yeah, her accent is pretty strong. Is that, you know, if you don't know, blackface, minstrel shows way back in the early 1900s would portray black people in obviously a negative light being buffoons. And that was the thing, right? The guys would put shoe polish on their faces and get kicked by a donkey. Yeah. And they'd act like clowns. So I understand. Like the Stooges. Right. Stooges type. And I totally understand that being, but now it's.

And digital blackface is a 21st century version of that. White people using gifts to perform some kind of exaggerated blackness. Well, I'm lucky I don't use gifts. So I don't have any white guilt over this. Yeah, I don't either. But I also don't get it. I feel like, I feel like there's, this is beyond a reach. I mean, people usually, usually, I think when you search for gifts, you search for the emotion. Yeah, it doesn't matter. In other words, you're like, you type in in one of the search engines, like happy, you know, excited. And no matter what Kevin Hart is going to come up, Kevin Hart is going to come up somewhere on it. And it's like, they're saying, this person is saying that that is unfair and racially excluded. I don't know.

I don't know. That is silly. I will say I'm thankful for the old gender bathroom I used yesterday at LAX airport. They got him a Del Taco too. Oh, sweet. She's catching on. Sweet. What was your pronoun when you used it? I identified as a man still. Oh, okay. Taco gendered. I would, uh, I would prefer to use an all gender bathroom. Yeah. They all smell like homeless people no matter what. At Del Taco. Oh, wait a minute. At Del Taco, they do. What's your pronoun? This is silly. Let's talk about white people using dark skin emojis. Let's talk about white people using dark skin emojis. Oh, for the love. This is a form of cultural appropriation. Paying little respect to someone

else's culture. They're finally calling out white people with dreadlocks like it's a real thing. Like it's a real disrespectful thing because I mean everyone hates white people with dreadlocks. Everybody. But is it disrespectful? Is it racist? Is it cultural appropriation? Yes, but in a nice way, I think. I think the person with dreadlocks actually likes Bob Marley. That's true. It's kind of maybe more than likes. Yeah, loves. So what's wrong with white people posting these gifts and using these emojis? Well, white people are not here for other people's attainments. What if they're entertainers? What about Kevin Hart? What about Tupac? But what if they are entertainers? I gotta write Kevin Hart and tell him he's not here for my

entertainment. We're not symbols of excessive emotion. What about Tupac right there where he's dancing? Emoting excessively. I'm gonna fuck all these chicks at this video shit right now. Every last one of them. To live in fucking LA. Right. Okay. Sure. I'm not saying you have to be black to post these gifts. But I am saying is think about what you're doing. Ask yourself why you're always wrong to that gift. If I have to give up Billy Day, do Williams. If I have to give up liking him, do I have to stop enjoying him? Can I do I have to stop being entertained by okay. Wait a minute. Was that? Yeah. No, we're definitely in trouble. Oh, I'm in trouble. We're definitely in trouble. I would say doesn't it count the spirit in which you, you know, I mean,

we love this stuff. And regardless of gender or color, right? I mean, why am I always wrong to this? Retarded. That's true. I mean, that's retarded. Retarded. I don't know. It's a very layered nuance. I mean, I would say the most popular recent drops are you guys are doing good. And then drop, drop. Right. Asian guy. That's Asian guy. That one I know. I think we, I think we pass it around. We do spread it out. Everybody gets a little bit. So that guy's Asian and you make in front of Asian people when you do them. Yeah. Yeah. All of them. So I can only send white gifts. Everybody gets it. Now, I like the thumbs up. That's not as white as I am. It's like the yellowy one. Yeah, the yellow one. I thought that's what most people use. Who's that? But what race is that?

I mean, is that really? I thought the yellow one is just clear. It's usually a white guy. That's why I like that. I had someone send me a black thumbs up one time and I thought they were just kind of being cool, like trying to spread it around. Like it's not always about the white thumbs up. Matt, full time. That's cultural appropriation. That's what she's talking about. I think the black fist is you're trying to say that's cultural. Black power for sure. Right. It's clear. Yeah. Yeah. I do, I do the white fist. The white fist. Yeah. I don't do the black fist. Then there's the black face with the turban. I send that one when I'm like, let's go to a different restaurant. There's too many. I'll put like that here. You know,

that thing or like, let's change flights. I just sell one of these and send that. Why is there no gypsy emoji? Oh yeah. See you guys. I don't want that. Dirty gypsy emoji. They don't even make emojis for them. They're so hated. They don't even get their own emoji. No way. I forgot about the gypsy controversy. Gypsy controversy was real. Now see, I wouldn't do the black fist because I would go like, oh, that's too racist. Yeah. I would, I would pump the brakes on that one. I don't even send emojis or gifts. So I'm fucking, I'm in the clear here. I don't send too many gifts either. Yeah.

I only know the ones that are on my iPhone. Really? Yeah. I don't fucking search for them and shit. No. They got gifts on the porn sites. They do. So you can send like a blow job out to somebody. Really? Yes. So you go to the site and they have a, but don't send a black blow job. No, that's right. That's disrespectful. Disrespectful. Especially don't send like a black woman blowing a white guy. No, no, no, no, you can't do that. It's super disrespectful. You can't do that. What about the other way around? Hmm. White, white guy on a, I mean, a white girl on a black. Yeah. That's, that's better. That's better. That's more race friendly. That's more respectable. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. You got to be real careful with those. The world is such a landmine for offending. If you send in a black fist, it better be up a white girl's ass. Oh man. Yeah. No, we're here. We're officially here with the rules. So many. And that's the thing. And I don't mind that people are, that have the, I just feel like I love people. I don't really, I don't mean any disrespect. A lot of gypsies got mad that Tom Segura said the word gypsy on television. I didn't know gypsies had time to watch TV between pickpocketing and scamming society. The fans are always taking too far. Fuck off. Gypsy.

Yeah, they do. They're in a safe place. That's a good one. Fuck off. Gypsy. So is gypsy a bad word? No, but it's something that you could have. It's like Mexican. It's a real term, but you better not say it wrong. You could say it wrong. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. Cause if you're just like that person's Mexican, sometimes people go, oh, and I got, no, I'm saying they're literally from Mexico. It's not Mexican. And they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. It's not meant to be a racial slur. Well, that guy's French. Fuck you, man. We don't use that word.

I know. That's weird. We met. You, you made a derogatory. We met a Hungarian lady and she was saying, she was saying that she teaches me Hungarian. And she goes, oh, let's hear what you know. So I was running through the words I know. And she goes, Christina goes, he only knows bad words. And she goes like what? And so I go like, Tigan, which is gypsy. She goes, that's not a bad word. And I go, cause I said rotten gypsy. That is funny. Yeah. And we ran through a few other ones. It's a bit redundant, but it's fun. Yeah. She taught you low fuss, a shake it back.

Yeah. It's a horse dick in your ass. Yeah. It's a real common one. That's like a thing. Oh yeah. Low fuss, a shake it back. Low fuss, a shake it back. A shake it back. I like that. You know, that's because we have like go fuck yourself. Yeah. Which is kind of an abstract idea. Yes. But get fucked by a horse cock. Yeah. That's, that's a real insult. All the hongo ones are really nuts. Yeah. Very specific. Look, we played this on the live show that is not out yet, but I really wanted to show

full charge. Yeah, please. Were you a big Jerry Lewis fan? No. I mean, I have respect for my elders. Yeah. Yeah. But I did, I never got, I remember my mom rented Cinderfella for me. And I was like, what the fuck is this? What is that? It just moved too slow for my, my young brain. Yeah. And that's pretty much. This is like a 50 year old movie, I'm guessing. Yeah. It's in black and white and, you know, hate black and white. What is it? King of comedy. I liked him in that.

That's about all I know. He was great in that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was great in that. Well, he did this really cool interview where he, the Hollywood reporter interviewed him just a short while ago, actually, before he died. He's 91 about being somebody in their nineties working and he granted them the interview. It's in his house. It was voluntary. It'd be like us saying, do you want to come here today and you're saying, sure. And then you show up and then you're like this. We're doing a feature on people who are still working in their nineties. Have you ever thought about retiring? Why? Was there never a moment that you thought it might be time to retire

or you would want to retire? You come from a, you come from a generation a little older, and I think of Bob Hope, George Burns, Sinatra, people you knew, many of whom didn't want to, or never retired either. Do you see similarities with them? None. None? What do you think drives people like you and them to want to keep working? Because we do it well. Oh boy. Do you think it's a fun interview? No. I think, I think he just burned through about like what he thought was going to be a half an hour with the material in about four minutes. Like incredible empathy for that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can hear him getting nervous too. Yeah. Well, and you think that he doesn't want to talk about that topic. He gave you a no. So then if I were

the interviewer, I would be like, he doesn't want to go there. But the interviewer starts by saying we're doing this thing about guys, people who work into their night, like the entire interview. Is that lame? That's what the profile is about. Right. It's working. So it'd be like, Christina, we want to talk to you about your new special. Right. No. Right. Well, that's what all this is about. Right. No. Where did you film the new special? I don't know. Yeah. What do you talk about in the special? Stuff. How many people showed up to the special? I don't know. Do you now get how fun that would be? Too much. Actually, I hope you do this as an interviewer. Why don't we shoot a video like that? That'd be hilarious. We have to get you the same sweater and shirt.

And you know why that would be extra special is because he didn't like female comedians. He was actually known for shitting on female comics. Those of you who don't know. Lady. Yeah. He said that women are not funny. So actually that would be fantastic. Some people really loved him too. Really loved him. Yeah. It wasn't my cup of tea. I did like that he did all those telethons, like in the 80s and stuff for retards. I think he even said that word back then. You could say that back. You could send a retarded GIF all that shit. Retarded Black GIFs were being sent back and forth. Raising money for the tards. What's different about performing now for you than, say, 20 years ago, how is it different for you? Not at all. Fuck. Come on, man.

Just not giving. It's just stone. So in like 1951, it's not the same or it's the same exact as 2017. Totally the same. Yeah. Have you made any, do you have to make any concessions to being, you know, older in your, in your performing or does it, how do you keep the material fresh for yourself? By working at it. Oh boy. Wow. This interview killed him. Do we have, I wonder, is there footage, did he, was he a stand up or just a comedic actor? Him and Dean Martin. Well, live show vaudeville. Yeah. And in later years, like in the last 15 years, he would do things like an evening with Jerry Lewis and then, you know, an older crowd would go to a nice, um, theater, performing arts theater, you know, like these places, like, I don't know,

probably a thousand seat venues and stuff, pay top dollar and he would come out and tell stories. And as a storyteller, but he didn't just come out and go, no, no, he didn't do that. But all old guys got to sing songs too. You know that? Have you ever, oh yeah. Like if like the crowd's not feeling it, you're like, hit it Jeff. Wow. You start singing. Have you ever seen video footage or photos of what Vegas was like? Yes. What was it? What was it like, like 50 years ago in your eyes? Um, it was classy, smoking cigarettes, drinking whiskey, dressed up. Yep. All right. Um, nobody's wearing shorts. No, nobody's white pasties is showing. No. Um, it was kind of like, but it was also a legal activity. And it was actually kind of borderline illegal. And not

for children either. 60 years ago, the layout was obviously different too. You know that, right? I mean, it was the other strip. It was the other side of town. Yeah. And it was less, far less developed. I mean, a totally different landscape. How is Vegas different for you than when you first came here? What was the first time you, you performed in Vegas? 1947. Can you tell me what, what Vegas was like when you first showed up? It's not, it's the same. Exactly the same. Okay. So he has disdain for this guy. Yeah. Yeah. See, I'd like to see the footage leading up to the interview. Did the interviewer flub it with this, with Jerry early? Like, was he a douchebag? But he doesn't sound like he's arrogant. He doesn't sound like it. He sounds like he's really

trying. Did he inadvertently offend him? This sounds like, this right here is an impromptu question. He wasn't going to ask him what was Vegas like. Yeah. Yeah. He's trying. He's like, maybe I'll talk about Vegas and there's other footage of Jerry Lewis acting like a dick at the telethon, like shitting on the band for playing the wrong song and stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like what, what is it about Vegas that you like? What is it about? Like how, how would you describe the place? Like when you show up in 1947, what was it? It wasn't a little bit of a dusty cow town. It was, what was it? What was it like? Dusty cow town. Oh, shit. He's really, now the interview knows, yes. Do you still think of it as a sort of dusty cow town? No. How about,

is performing in Vegas now for you different than it was then? Like just either the mechanics or the size of the, no, not at all. He's an asshole, man. Now he's trying to be a dick. This is last hurrah. Yeah. He's an asshole. He got dressed up in his Ronald McDonald clothes. Yes. Went out there to chop heads down. I noticed the primary colors. Yeah. Interesting. Why be a dick? Why do the interview, if you're, he's bothered, maybe he's just bothered that they're doing a piece on old pieces of shit. Right. And he's going to take them down, waste their time. Yeah. If I was the interview, I'd be talking about his hair. How do you have such great hair, Jerry? I noticed that. Do you think it's his? No. Maybe you don't, you know, the other thing they could really bother you.

So he was so famous. Yeah. What if like the guy's like, you were in a movie, like what if it was something like that where he's like, were you in this movie? And he was like, are you fucking shitting me? And that something that small sets you off, you know, or, or, or something like, did you ever do movies? You know, like, and he's like, hello. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like one, like little thing, like, Oh, I, like, did you, did you perform live shows too? Or something? I've seen Seinfeld get mad about that. Yeah. Yeah. Like Paul McCartney. Yeah. Larry King both times. Wait. I know the sign, the Seinfeld one for people that don't know was he was doing an interview on when Larry King live was still on CNN. And he said, like, now your show was it a,

it was canceled or he was like, what? Really Larry? He was like, it's the number we were, what are you talking about? Yeah. And Larry was like, whoa, sorry. He's like canceled. Like we were the number one rated show, man. We're top show. He doesn't let him off the hook at all. No. And he, and that, that you could tell bothered him, but he didn't turn into this. No. Now what did Paul McCartney do? Um, and Larry King's like, we'll be right back with George and Ringo. And he's just like, all right. He's like, we'll be right back with Paul and George. And Paul's like, it's Ringo. It's Ringo, dude. You don't know who the Beatles are. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He went as mad

as Seinfeld. But yeah, Seinfeld was upset about that. Yeah. But it's like, honestly, you don't know who the fucking Beatles are. That's true. I think it's crazy that especially, you know, we're not talking about, it'd be different if right now you asked Seinfeld, if like you're an interviewer and you're like, so what's your show? Can't like, let's say you didn't know. Right. But the time you're having the biggest TV star from the biggest show on and the show was pretty recently over with. Uh-huh. And like not, let's say, so you don't know and no producer. Let's like, how do you not know that? Right. And they're still airing it. Yeah, man. Like constantly. You think that show was canceled? Like, no way. It was in the news. This is just pure asshole. Yeah.

I mean, this guy just really is a dick and he wants to be a dick. If you, uh, if you want to just see his answers to all the questions, we can do that for you. Why? Why? None. Because we do it well. It is not at all. By working at it. Anyone that's 90 does. No, no. 1947. It's not, it's the same. Exactly the same. Justice Calta. No, no. Damn. That's the whole interview. That's the whole interview. Damn. His teeth look exceptionally great though. Yeah. Uh, yeah. I think he's got great teeth for an old dude. They can't be his, right? No, no. These are like veneers or something, but they look good. Oh, you're right. And you know, he did, he was smart. They're not too white. No, they look great. That's when you look pretty real tight. He looks good though, physically

for 90. Oh yeah. He looks amazing. I mean, his face is sliding off of his skull, but you know, you're 91 years old. That's what you look like at 91. The oldest thing on his face is those provisions. Yeah. Those were horrible. Yeah. There was no good glasses in the 80s. It was a motherfucker. No, no. Poor Jerry. Poor Jerry. What have he got to be grumpy about though? You're like, dude, you're beloved by everyone. You have tons of cash. Yeah. Who knows? Who knows that personal life is like, you know, it sucks probably for someone like that though. Everyone that really, he can share a story with and laugh is dead. That's true. That's true. And all his conversations are like this one where they're like, what was it like, grandpa? Yeah. And you're just like,

I'm a goddamn person. Yeah. Just like you. Yeah. You know, that's true. I hope you guys, let's stay alive for a long time. Definitely. I can't talk to younger people when I'm 90. I need you guys here. We'll just interview each other and give each other shitty answers. No. Do you remember we read that grumpy podcasting? That email question now about that. We read that thing about people apparently that don't, that are separated at birth from either their child or their parents can have this thing happen where if they don't, let's say they don't see them for years and years and years because that bond isn't formed and then they see them 20 years later, they can actually be attracted to them. Right. Because the, because the bonding wasn't

formed at the very beginning, right? Ask them, will you ever take your mom? Yeah. No, I'm sorry. Go ahead. Somebody emailed this story and hey, Hitler's, I was adopted at bless you. Excuse me. I was adopted at birth, but when I was 17, my brother found me on my space. He showed my sister, my MySpace page and she said, he's cute. At the time, she didn't know what I looked like, only that she had a brother that was adopted before she was born. He laughed and told her I was her biological brother. Wow. A few months later, I meet my biological brother. Of course, he brings up what she said when she first saw my pic. He, her and I laughed awkwardly and carried on with the conversation. Definitely weird though. I would not date my sister. See you in St.

loose tits in October, Ryan. Wow. So that thing happened where she saw him and she was like, he's cute. Yeah. And then he fucked her later, but not at the time. Interesting. Yeah. I'm so glad we're carrying this topic on. That's really nice. Yeah. About being attracted to your sibling. Yeah. Yeah. You don't think we should do that? I don't need to know. I think we should kind of talk about it all the time. This podcast is called your mom's house. It should be about family. We'll never date your mom. Totally true. And how far you will go with said family. She's right. He's right. What's wrong with that? That was the premise of the podcast. If you look in the description on iTunes, the incest hasn't changed. God.

What's wrong? You're nasty as hell. You're nasty as hell. Damn. What's wrong? Nothing. I'm just looking at the topic. You guys aren't attracted to any of your cousins? No. I mean, you could tell when they're, you know, you can tell like, glad I didn't get their jeans like those ones, but yeah. Yeah. That's basically it. Yeah. Oh, I gotta let the dogs out. You gotta let the dogs out. It's their dinner time. Okay. Or what are you going to do? Who's letting the dogs out? I'm just going to let them into the house. Really? Yeah. It's their dinner time. Come on guys. Aren't there a couple stories where there was a story like last year where, you know, where it's father and daughter and they don't know

each other and they get together? Or there was also a story, I think last year where it was fraternal twins, a man and a woman were really attracted to each other and they were going to get married. I think they even might've got married. I wish I had more details for you. Well, there was a mother and son that did. Yeah. That one we have. We played that one extensively and that one is 100% super disturbing. It is because the damage is already done. Yeah. Marriage is an afterthought after you've already blown your son. Oh yeah. I mean, you can't do that man. They got arrested though. Yeah. And then they get arrested for it. Because a lot of times they don't want to break up, right? They're like, wait, listen.

No. We're in love. They, let me, this is a, I can actually show you what they look like if you're interested. Yeah. This is them. Oh my God. Mm-hmm. Yep. And falling in love with him. He said, are you really? I said, yes, I am. He said, you know what? I was scared to let you know too. I am too. We're both consenting adults. If, if it comes down to it, you know, it's just like the gays. They're, they're, you know, as long as they're over 18, everything's fine. But this clip didn't make sense to us for a long time until somebody mentioned that thing about being, like now, not that I encourage it, but now I feel like, oh, I think that's what happened. I think they didn't see each other for 20 years. And then this thing morphed into something that

it's not supposed to be. Now, did they go, both go to jail for murder? No. Because they both have the teardrops. Or is that like a genetic thing? That that's a dead giveaway that they're family. I think they just met in prison. Uh, there's co-ed prison. It looks like they're on the yard. Yeah. They filmed them inside. It looks like it for sure. Yeah. Incest is the new black. Incest, yeah. GIF. Who's that? Christina's sneezed from last week. It's pretty terrible. It's really bad. God bless you. That's terrible. You're horrible. You're the worst. I am I? God, Bobby. That's going to be a GIF. Yeah.

Man. You want to see some nasty shit? Yes. Oh, right here. What are we here for? Look at this motherfucking stick. Look at this shit, bruh. What the fuck, my nigga? Look at this shit. Look at this shit, bruh. What is that? Is that shit? What the fuck? That is the question. Look at this shit, bruh. It's a nice bathroom, too. Sit on the bed. What the fuck is this? This little ass bitch, what the fuck? I like that a lot. Dude, why was she shitting on the bed on the couch? I don't know. I don't know. I think that's just a way to say, hey, we don't like you. We don't like you no more. Damn. She didn't look like she was ready to explain it to anybody. She didn't. She looked like she was

shitting on the homie Polo hat and all this action shit. Look at this bitch. Look at the bitch. She's standing in the shower. Look at the bitch. He's super mad. Oh my god, bruh. What the fuck, my nigga? Look at this shamoo shit. That's why I don't Airbnb anymore. He said she took a shamoo shit. Did you hear that at the end? Yeah. Why couldn't she make it to the toilet? Maybe she was fucked up. Was there an anal sex thing going on here? Discuss. There are two dudes. Two dudes. Shamoo shit. I think she was fucked up and I don't know. Have you ever shut the bed because you're so messed up? No. Never. I've seen it in train spotting. I don't know. Yeah, there you go. It happens in life. By the way, that's a lot. It wasn't like a little spot. No, and it was kind

of how dogs do it. Like it trails. Yeah. Why did it drag out? I mean, she took an enormous shot. She tried to run away from the shit, I think. Yeah. And then it just. Oh, okay. So that's a, there we go. Here we go. A trail of digested bread crumbs. Here we go, brown lock. Yana allowed me to submit to the court. My client had a ferocious bout of diarrhea. It's disgusting. And here's what happened. She was in the bed. She felt it. She maybe didn't feel it coming. An accident in the bed and tried to run to the toilet and in running to the toilet, left shit splash. Shit, shit marks. That could be it. Not very apologetic. No. I would be like, listen, guys, this isn't like me. This has never happened to me before. I'm very sorry.

And didn't I say we were going to split this room three ways? I got it. I got it. Now just let me dry my hair in peace, please. Maybe she was embarrassed. She's clearly embarrassed. She's mortified to even. She's mortified right now. But wouldn't you at least clean the sheets? I feel like I would have ripped the sheets off and cleaned it immediately. Because it's your shit. You're so ashamed of it. You can throw the shit on the hall on the hotel. And it's like fair game. Yeah. Yeah. This is how tough life is now. Like if you make a mistake, like you shit the bed, someone puts a camera on you, examines you. Look at this makes you. Yeah. Look at this bitch. And then immediately puts it on Instagram, right?

Yeah, she had an accident. Oh my God. Oh my God, right? And I think you got to pay for this shit. Look at this shit. Because it gets bigger. If you'll notice, Yana, allow me to. It looks as though this turds started there because it was like smaller turds. And then the turds got bigger and bigger as she approaches the toilet. So it looks as though she tried to make it to the top. Objection speculation. Objection sustained. In light of her other lack of what's the word I'm looking for? Remorse. The highest penalty will be assumed by the court. She didn't even try to clean up. That's the crazy part, especially from a woman. So much. So crazy. I mean, I feel like as a dude,

I would be running in there and being like, I know this is crazy. But even as you guys are yelling at me, I'd be like rolling up that. Yes. I wouldn't want somebody to see the shit. This is my shit. Yeah. It's so embarrassed. Are we looking at a group of people here who are into drugs and just rented a hotel room, even though they didn't really know each other that well? Possibly. It sounds like you're high as fuck, right? I mean, I've been black out drunk a number of times. I've never had something. I've puked. I puked like in my sleep. Really? That's how you die. Yeah, but I was face down. Choke on it. I did one really bad sleepwalking thing where I walked out. I was 19. I walked out of my dorm, took a right into these girls' dorms,

and opened up their laundry basket and pissed in their laundry basket. And I had no recollection of it whatsoever. Did somebody see you doing it? Yes. Really? So I came back to my dorm the next day and they're like, there he is. What the fuck happened last night? I'm like, what are you talking about? I only have four beers. That's exactly where my bathroom would be at my parents' house. But I mean, that's grounds for expulsion. Yeah, that's pretty bad. One time in college, I went to sleep with my dorm room unlocked because I think my roommate was going to come in later and she'd never key or whatever. I woke up in the middle of the night to a girl pissing on my carpet. Yep, she was fully squatting and piss. A stranger. I'd never seen this girl

on campus before and I go, I think you have the wrong room you need to leave. I turned the light on. I thought it was my roommate. I would need to leave. She goes, oh, I just came in here. I was going to read this book and she picked up a copy of my book. And then she laid on my roommate's bed and started to read the book. And I go, you need to get out of here right now. I'm calling public safety. You need to get out of here. And she was like, oh, okay. I think she was sleepwalking or she was really high. She was pissing on the floor and she pissed on my floor, got into my roommate's bed and read my roommate's book. And I was like, you need to get out of here. You need to get out of here. And then she finally was okay. And she was dazed and she left. It was so bizarre.

Did you tell your roommate later? Of course. And I called public safety and I filed a report and I like, yeah, it was crazy. It was bananas. Wait, when you, the next day when people were like, here he is. Was it the people whose clothes you pissed on? Oh no. They actually saw it. Yeah. That's nuts. No, I know it's nuts because they weren't really that mad at me. That's what's crazy, or they must have really understood what was going on. I suppose they, they said, I don't feel like I would be that cool. They said they walked me back to my bed and got me to bed, but it's like, I still have no recollection of it whatsoever. Not like bits and pieces, just nothing. Yeah. And I was drinking that night, four beers though. That's not really a four beers kind of move.

No, it's not. For me, it would be, I'd be pretty. I mean, I had some Everclear blackout. That's different. You know, yeah. What is that? Pure alcohol? Yeah, it's like grain alcohol. We missed it with Gatorade. You gotta stay hydrated. Yeah. And I mean, I mean, crazy shit. What is it with boys in Everclear? Like freshman year in college? Guys gotta one up each other and they got to do more. It's about how fucked up can you get? Yeah. Because that's the goal. Yeah. It's not feeling good or fun. It's just like, how obliterated are you? You know, the world's most interesting man in the Doseki's commercial. It's the world's most fucked up man. For sure. That's what you want to do. God, I remember beer balling and shit. And I think the next day after those,

he would never, no one was ever like, that was fun. Right. It was always panic because, because of the blackout, you had no recollection. So I'd be like, what happened? And then you have the anxiety of somebody telling you something terrible. Yeah. So it's like, it would always be like, you know, your friend would start with their head shaking. You're like, what? Like, that kills somebody? You know, and then they're like, well, no, but I think, oh my God, like, it's a strange thing when you're robbed of your memory. Yeah. You feel terrifying. It's terrifying, man. Because it's not supposed to be like that. Yeah. It's a scary thing. I've never blacked out. You've never blacked out. No, I've done acid too much at one time and that's that warps your

sense of time. But I told you about that one where I went to a thing with work people. I started interning here in LA and I went to that sushi place and we were just, and I was just pounding. Yeah. It wasn't ever clear, but I was pounding. Yeah. And then I was talking to a group of them and I was super fucked up. And then, you know, they told me, I don't, I don't remember. I actually puked telling a circle of people a story. Oh my God. And then the guy told me, he goes, after you puked, you know, when you, when you puke, you spit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, you were spitting like everybody's like, well, and then you turn back and you went right back into the story. Oh my God. That weird. Like some autopilot. Yeah. Like an autopilot meant to be

everybody was like, dude. And then I do have a, I have a big recollection of being, you know, escorted out of like security and being like, get this guy out. Right. Well, what was the story? Why was it so important? I don't know. I think I, I think I just liked holding courts at that and everybody, you know, and that's the last time I drove a Ferrari. That's hilarious. I didn't know how to just enjoy, you know, lots of things because it can't feel good when you're that age, just to get super hammered. Like just, do you vomit every time you drink? No, no, no, no, no, no, but I didn't always go that hard. But I also, you know, I didn't know how to do like have a drink and just hang and if, and if something wasn't exciting going on,

I'd be like, well, just keep drinking, you know, in other words, like if there's no action, it's like just keep drinking. That's the mistake I would make. I would just hang out for too long. I'd be like, well, conversations are kind of over with everybody. I'm just going to keep drinking until something happens. Or before Uber was around, I'd go out in LA in my 20s and just be stuck at places and crowded. You can't really talk to anybody. I just, I guess I'm just going to drink. Yeah. Disaster. Of course. I had that. The worst part of that one of the puking one was that I would, that was like a Saturday night. So you recover Sunday. Yeah. Monday I went to that job and people were like, what's up dog? I got a lot of head

check. Is that when you didn't go into hard times? Yeah, that's a horrible thing. I had no recollection of this. In college, I had some blackout drink thing with where I was interning and then I went back to school and when I went, I got hired by the place to work there. There was a lady who, I don't know, she was, she was 20 some years older than me who would kind of like say, you know, when somebody says something with like a, she had, she was delicate about, she was tactful about it, but like almost implying something is there. And I was like, what is up with like, not even like that there's something connection, but she was like saying, she would imply something familiar. You know, like, I didn't even know her. I'm like, who is this

person? So I remember after a week of working at this place, I go, have you seen, I don't remember her name. Like the way Shannon looks at me or says like some things and they're like, yeah, I'm like, do you think that's kind of weird? Like I've never even met her and they go, you made out with her. I was like, oh my God. And they go, oh my God. At that, that before you left from your, at the bar, you made out with her in public at the bar in front of everybody here, everybody at work knows that you guys made out. And I was like, what? I had zero. That person that told you must have loved that moment. Oh yeah. Oh yes. What could feel better than to be like, you don't know and like drop that on. And this was not an attractive woman.

Really? She moved soup lady? I think at the time I must have been quite the, I was her getting her groove back or something. Cause that was 21. Right. And she was 44, 45. Yeah. Nice. Nice. And she, what would she look? Does she look like the pizza dump lady or? She wasn't that bad. She was just a very big dick in balls. Very nice dick, nice cock. She had a hairy ass. It was my style. But she was, she was just very plain, plain Jane. Like very, very just like unassuming. You would walk right past her. Yeah. Wouldn't think anything of it, you know? And I, I mean, I can't believe when I was finally so great, I remember being like, and I just, what I decided to do was just act like everything was completely. You mean what every 20 year old

boy does? Just act like nothing. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That's what you do at the office anyways though. I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Just pretend what Don Draper does is what I do. Yeah. That's true. Cause I also hooked up with, I hooked up with someone more age appropriate at that office. And then I acted the same way. I was like, I don't know you. And then. Oh my God. But actually that, I ended up not obviously working in offices for the rest of my life, but that experience taught me how horrible an idea it is to hook up with anybody that you work with. I mean, like, I know it's a lesson you can't learn through somebody else. I can appreciate that, but I've told, especially other young guys, I've been like, don't do it. It'll make work terrible. Just don't. It's a big one for me.

It's you've done it. Yeah. And nothing bad even ever happens. Yeah. Done it twice. I just hated how much people were in my business. Yeah, it sucks, man. And it goes from, this is like an episode of Seinfeld. It goes from that being the person at the office that's like really cool with you to that being the person you're like avoiding and gives you trouble. You know what it taught me to respect? I respect more as I got older, the person who has zero social interaction with the people they work with. I know that's a smart person. That is the smartest person at the office. The one who's just like, I can't make it to anything on Friday or Saturday. Yeah. I'll see you on Monday. Well, and here's the bummer of hanging out with coworkers. At least I,

in the past, I would try is that you go out to drinks on the Friday night or the Thursday night, and now you're in the bar, but you're all talking about work. And I was like, why, I don't want to talk about the TPS reports and the, you know, Z files or whatever the buck. You're still at work. I don't want to talk about the boss. That's why we got, you know, I'm drinking in hotels because we stay in hotels all the time. I will see, you know, go downstairs, have my, my dinner. And I look and I see the group. They're like, all right, Cheryl, see you on Monday. And they're all, yeah. And they're all toasting. And then, and they're, and yeah, it's all work stuff. And they're like, and he thinks he's a manager. Walter,

he can't manage me. Exactly. When you sit there, I just like, oh, to me, that's from a different background. One of the most depressing things to listen to is that office talk. Oh my God. Well, you know how Jeff is though, right? Jeff, you know where the copy room was for like three weeks. Jeff, do you even know where we're at right now, Jeff? I do. I do. Hey, let's get another one for Jeff. Oh my God. That's the worst. Now, I mean, the rare occasion when you, like I worked on shows and production where the staff was cool, you know, when you go on like travel trips or whatever to shoot things and there'd be fun, fun people, but do you want to see something? By the way, this is a, we had a talk about why there's hot farts.

All right. You mean like hot, juicy farts? No, like, you know how sometimes sexy farts. When you fart in the temperature and you just go like, ooh, that one's hot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you also know that hot is going to be bad. Oh, you don't want hot. You don't want hot. I mean, farts are hot enough. Right. They're coming out at 98.3 as it is. We put the call out. Why is this, why are they so hot? This is so stupid. Rectal humidity is the answer. Oh no. No. That makes sense. Fiber adds bulk to stool causes it to hold more water. Hot farts feel hot because they are moist. That's like an East Coast fart. Yeah. Confidence that this explanation is correct. 88% of bioengineer. Oh, okay. Wow. But that makes sense because what

happens when a fart's super hot and it stinks, you go, ooh, something else is in there and it's usually a not nice shit that's following you. Oh man. The check is in the mail, ladies and gentlemen. So you're, we're back to farts pushing the shit out. Or is it the shit that pushes a fart? The chicken and the egg. I don't know. That's exactly the question. The debate rages on. A man who is dear to most of us here, a King ass ripper has been, he's not farting again. So don't worry because I know sometimes people are like, well, you cut out the farts already, but he is eating. And he used to get bigger. Fuck. Okay. Just to keep this motherfucker buttoned up, but it just keeps popping because my gut's getting so big. He loves it. Look at that guy.

That's when I'm hard stomach. But he's having a hard time gaining weight, I feel. Yeah, look at his face. He's a skinny guy. Yeah. He can't do it. Well, he's been doing this for years. The last time we had him in the grocery store, I feel like was more recent and he was legit fat. Like, he got fucking fat. This might be older. Oh, shit. Yeah, this is older. Look at the video quality. This whole fucking chicken. I bought the motherfucker today at the store. Where do you learn to talk like that? Oh, eight pound. I have a theory. This fucking chicken that I'm about to sit here and devour because I'm a fucking glutton. I have a theory. Before I fucking drench it in fucking man.

So Tom and I were talking about this, actually, is that I think that he's stolen, not stolen, but just is inspired by Cookie Monster. All right. If you listen to him, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh, oh, oh. Cookie does the same. Yeah. There's a lot of similarities. And he gets stuff himself. Yeah. And he does the same stuff. That's true. I think he's a super fan of Cookie Monster early in life. This is a formative thing. And then he became a glutton. He won't answer us. We've offered money. So many times. Years. He won't answer us. Joe for food. Good question. It's a good question. Like, you know, something he can't really even afford. Like, maybe like the biggest nacho plate of all time, maybe a 90 ounce steak, something like that.

We gave him so many plugs. He put out a video that he dedicated to us, but he still wouldn't mention it. Right. Right. Interesting. He won't talk to us. Seems like he wants the publicity and the attention. Yeah. Interesting. Maybe it's fucking mayonnaise, like I always do everything. Mayonnaise gets a bad rat. Look at that. Yeah. So much. Wait, what is mayonnaise? Yeah. It's like oil. It's like whipped oil. There's eggs. Yeah. Eggs and oil. Mayonnaise is weird because a little bit's great and a lot is disgusting. Yeah. I don't mind mayonnaise. Look at that mayonnaise, but that makes me sick. That's too much mayonnaise. Put all their fucking legs off. Oh, that's so much mayonnaise. Yeah. Dude, that's fucking shit. Imagine if he like sent.

The thing is chicken is lean. Chicken is lean protein. You're not going to get that fat. With that much mayo, you're going to gain some weight. All he has to do is go to Carl's Jr. He wants to gain weight. He's got stretch marks. See, only his stomach's big. I don't like the burping. Yeah. That'll do it. Stick with the Budweiser Homes. I can tell him how to gain weight. Just eat two or three Western bacon cheeseburgers a week in your car. It's an order of onion rings. Yeah. The beauty of getting fat is you just wait for inspiration. You know, you'll have several epiphanies a day. True. Very true. Yeah. Go to fast food. That'll get you fat quick. Chlorically, it's so,

it's too high. French fries. You don't remember. You get the soda. I wish I could pull it up. I might be able to. Let me see here. Let's see if I can, if I can. Yeah, a cheeseburger alone is can be a thousand calories. You're making me hungry. Yeah, I know. What's your favorite fast food? In-N-Out burger. Yeah. Yeah. But I like it all. What do you get? The double double or a single pet? Just get the double double. Do you go animal style or? I usually don't mess with animal style. I'll get the raw onions. Get pickles. Crazy. Who wants a kiss? Nasty as hell, man. Full of straw. Nasty. What are you looking for, Jean? I was looking for that, for a king-ass ripper. We had him on the show semi-recently. He was in a grocery store. Yeah.

And man, he was. So what happened to the farting? Huge. He kind of gave up on the farting. He's more into the gluttony now. So it's like when Jordan started playing baseball, he's got this super talent, but he's just like, I want to do this other thing. That's a great. I want to make my dad proud. Yes, that is exactly what we're saying. Or you're overlooking the creative genius that is king-ass ripper. Maybe he's getting fatter so that the farts are bigger. Have you thought about that? I have not thought about that. I have not thought about that. Oh man. He could be such an attractive person. He's got a good head of hair. This kind of looking face. Yeah. He could go the other way. I know. He's fully committed to being the grossest, fattest, fartiest guy on

the planet. He just doesn't give a fuck. I know. If we're saking love, I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a girlfriend. Who could put up with that? That's too much. I mean, it's one thing if you put on weight, but it's another thing if you're publicly. Right. I mean, you're choosing that over human love. I mean, he's farting on his food. Today, I'm having a big ass fucking breakfast. Four bean and cheese burritos lathered with two big ass eggs. Lathered, right? Yeah. Lathered isn't the right one. He was doing those videos. Circumstances. He was those videos for a while, he'd be like, I got these donuts. I'm going to fart on them. And he would fart on the food and then eat it. Dude, that was just extra gross. There was nothing. You're just farting on a plate

of food. It was just extra nasty. He wants to be the nastiest dude around. But he is. He's always, here's the thing with King Astropper is that he never stops entertaining. He's always up and no. Yeah. The question is, would he be doing stuff like this? I just clapped back as a kid. What he'd be doing this is there was no internet, if there was no one to show. I don't think so. Thought-provoking. No, he would not. There's no way. You need an audience. Exactly. And you can't just do it at the bar on Saturday night. You can't do the open mic this way. Dude, yeah. If a man farts in the forest. And no one's there to smell it. Not millions. I don't know. I can't prove it. What he does,

what he does in any public setting gets you removed from the public setting. Even if it was like a patio, you know, like an open air patio, like at a mall. If he was like, farting and eating, like you got to fucking go. And this is public. It doesn't matter. You got to leave. You know, it's interesting. Public park. Yeah. Get out of here. He couldn't exist without the internet. No way. Internet created. Yeah. But I'm wondering if like you would even have that idea. Like, if you would even have that idea. Oh, right. No. No, because you would really want to do it if no one, if there was no venue. Here's my theory. He probably started doing it in school, grade school. That's where you start a talent like this. And the other dudes were like, that guy's awesome.

Like you can fart. You can burp. You've got talent because there's always that one gross guy in school that can do all that cool shit. Well, and also the burp, not so much the farts, but the burp contests are real. Yeah, they're awesome. Fourth, fifth grade. You want to win. You have a Dr Pepper and then you start, you really start going for it. Same exact thing as drinking too much. It's like bunch of dudes just want to do it the best. Right. That's how skateboarding got invented. What does that have to do with anything? Oh, he nasty. Right. Right. Yeah. So this is a grade school talent that the internet kind of nurtured. Tell me before we go too far and forget where you're going to be in September, where you can see.

Oh, come see me at the Tampa Improv on September 13th. You're going to be happy. You're going to be there. September 13th. Yes. That's E bor city. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. With the Y and the B tampon. That's a part. It's like a party party place, man. Like wild chickens out there. Just like wild chickens in the park. Yes. Probably. Yeah. Probably wild chickens. The full charge.com. The full charge power hour on iTunes. That's all you need to know. I didn't mean to interrupt the debacle. No, not at all. I mean, okay, let me think about this for a second. You want to, you want to entertain the hoe debate? This is met. Yes. On, on the interwebs. This dude makes a good point about hoes. Let's see if you agree. Amen. I just got into a big debate

with this female cause she gets mad cause I'm on speakerphone with my nigga and he say where the hoe's at and I'm like, it's a couple over here right now. She get mad talking about ain't no hoes over here. But I'm like, look, I wasn't calling your hoes individually. I was just saying the hoes is over here. You know what I'm saying? Where do we start with this guy? It's an interesting linguistic debate. It is. I think I should pay him the respect to at least let him, let him continue explaining. Sure. Because you may or may not agree with him, but I think it's an interesting point. If you don't know, the hoes is any group of females. I don't give a fuck if it's Oprah and Gale. I don't give a fuck if it's SWV. If it's Destiny's Child,

if it's a group of hoes, it could be CC Winons and her sisters. If they together, they the hoes. You know what I'm saying? All right. A group of women together is the hoes. Stop getting mad because we use the right term. When a goose by itself, it's a goose, but when it's a bunch of goose, then it's geese. So you think it's a goose out here mad as hell when a nigga say, look at them geese and she's like, no, ain't no geese is over here, bitch. You know what I'm saying? Okay. All right. As long as we agree upon that vernacular, then I guess he's right. My issue is with the speakerphone. Just turn off the speakerphone. Oh, I hate conversations on speakerphone. We're big time anti-speakerphone conversations.

It's an epidemic. That is a horrible thing. It's just the lack of self-awareness, the lack of consideration for your fellow man, especially in public and enclosed, smaller spaces, waiting rooms, the gate at the airport. It's like, what are you fucking doing, man? Your lack of consideration just speaks more volumes than your cell phone does. It is fucking so indicative of how self-absorbed you are to have that loud ass speakerphone conversation. You're a dick. That's everything I wanted to say. More on point. They have different definitions of hoes. His girlfriend in question, she thinks it means literally prostitutes or the girls we're going to be fucking tonight. That's right. And his definition is just a gaggle of women,

a group of one or more. You're 100% spot on. Right. It's just a little bit stick. Then the conversation becomes, or the argument becomes, is that acceptable? Is it acceptable that somebody's definition could be different than yours? And it could be a definition, a word that you don't like, but maybe the definition suits that person's own. It's subjective. It's subjective, Tom. How about you though as a woman? Oh, I don't like to be called a hoe personally, but if, if, if somebody was like, looked around, was like, saw you and was like, hoes is over here. I mean, yeah, it's, I mean, I'm not, I'm not offended. I don't, it takes a lot to offend me, but I would be like, really dude,

you know, if I can call me a prostitute, like that's a little, I think ultimately he don't like this girl anyways though. Definitely. Cause he wouldn't say it. Now there you go, yo, to around it. That's the truth of it. And he does think she's a hoe. If he ended up, the truth was, if he ended up fucking that girl, it probably wouldn't make this video. And then he'd be happy that the hoe actually was a hoe. He'd be making another video. Yo, this bitch shit on my sheets, man. Oh my God. That is so true though. He does not respect her. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, man. You never call your, your number one boo boo. No way. A hoe. No matter, no matter what your definition. If there were some old ass women

right next to him, he wouldn't have said it. If his mom was around. Yeah. What if it's his mom and her sister? Are they hoes? According to his definition, his definition, they are. Interesting. He would change that shit up right quick. Yeah. He would have a different definition. Gail it. He said, Oprah and Gail. Oprah and Gail. And they're the hoes, man. That's silly. The hoe's over here, man. That's really funny. I know. I would have loved to witness that conversation. Yeah. I know. A friend of yours is like, hoe's over here, man. Couple over here. Oh, shit. Anything else you got, Shane? Would you rather? Oh, fuck. I didn't realize we're doing this right now. We got a perfect person here to break down some. Would you rather? I'm just,

I'm just glad we got my dick out of the way so many years ago. Oh, right. You guys remember that bit? Dick detective? Oh, do we remember? Do we remember? Okay. So we haven't, we haven't talked about this yet, but Tom and I came home last night from our vacation to discover that we have a rat living fucking rat. Yeah. Got in. There's droppings. Yeah. So upsetting. And I guess there are some workers here painting and they left the doors open and that's how I'm assuming because this didn't exist before. And we had somebody staying in the house. Yeah. A pet center. Yeah. A dog center. But, but obviously doors were probably open for a long time. Yeah. So in light of our rat debacle, we've called somebody today and we're getting rid

of it. But okay. Would you rather live with one rat, just one rat permanently in your house forever and you're just always wondering where it is. If it's going to crawl in your face, where it's pooping, if it's crawling on your snacks or I don't like it. Or you live in the backyard. What do you mean? You just live in the backyard outside with the pool. Don't with the pool. Do you have a tent? Yeah. You have a tent. You shower with the hose. It's like camping all the time. All the hose in there. I thought the hose was right over here. You've got some lemon trees back there. It's real nice grass. I think eventually you would befriend your rat friend. You know, you'd be like, there's a rat here. You'd be at peace with all the rat shit

everywhere. I think eventually you'd be at peace with the rat. The rat is terrifying in its newness as well. You know, like you go, what? But imagine if it's like a year's gone by, you're like, yeah, there's a rat. Yeah. I think the rat would start to learn your routine too. I don't think the rat likes you that much either. So it comes out at night. It comes out in the morning. He starts to get your routine down. I would get a pair of boots and live with the rat. Yeah. And he's like, you always drop food over here. You know, I'm gonna sit over here. Yeah. That's another thing you do is start feeding the rat. So then you start controlling. Right. I haven't had experiences with this, but then you start controlling like their meals. Yes. You have a rat friend after a

while. Yeah, you get a rotisserie, put some mayonnaise on it, put it right over there in that corner. I keep busy for a couple of days. You start bringing cats. You start having cats. That's what, no, no, no, no, no. You can't have a cat. The idea is you have to live with this thing permanently in your home. So if you're indoors, you have a rat buddy that lives with you or you live outside where there are rats aplenty. I really, really don't like rodents. I don't like them and I still think I would take the indoor living. I just don't want to live outdoors. I don't. I'm not a fan of it. It's too hot here right now. It's terrible. People don't know. We're in California in Southern California. It's 150 out there. So hot here. I hate camping too. I just,

I'm not good at it. I wouldn't do it. Let's see what's sleeping on the ground. You know, a tent has a floor, but at this moment, it's 102 here right now. It's hot as balls. Fuck that, man. So you're going to take the rat outside. I'm going to take living in the backyard. Really? Yeah, I'd get used to it eventually and I would like build like a hut situation or a yurt of some kind. 104 tomorrow just so you know. I'd find a way to cool myself. I like sleeping outside in the summer. I'm supposed to do a phone call. All right. Well, shit. I could see that. Yeah. Especially I didn't know you're allowed to build. You can build. Yeah, you can build like a cabin or yeah. No, you just can't, you can't take indoor showers and stuff. I get used to it.

Well, you got the pool. That's true. You're going to be taking chlorine showers, but whatever. It's salt water. Okay. Here we go. Would you rather, is this, so this is, this is the next one. Okay. Would you rather, every time you take a shit, you're wiping with your bare hand, but as many times as you want. I'm listening. Or you can use toilet paper, but you can only wipe once. This, this is easy. And then we all know this from mom history. Yeah. You wipe once and you take a shower. I mean, this is salt water. Oh my God, man. Interesting. I mean, just like you just had this savant on right now. Now, just so you guys know, Oh, I know, I know. I missed you. Now this was go back to your quarters.

Half of this was addressed on the live show just, you know, and it had a crazy response, but I thought I would put a little twist on the game. So just, you know, this is kind of a call back to the right show. Right. Right. Which will, yeah. Yeah. It's kind of a variant. It is a variant. I really feel like, I really feel like, I mean, Matt kind of solved it. Yeah, I know, but, but, but you can't always shower. That's the thing with the shower. Not always being there. Yeah. That is a horrible, horrible life. So I feel like it's not yet a one wipe life is terrible. A one wipe life with no water, special one wipe life. Try it. I still, by the way, I got such, I put a call out to what should I name my new special and so many people said you better call

it just glass and just, it's a good time. Yeah. But I feel like it's too, too ridiculous. It's a little inside, right? A little. It's more than a little. I think so many people. This guy, yeah. I feel like as disgusting as it is, I would want to be able to keep wiping. Oh my God. And then I just deal with cleaning that hand. That is so foul, but then your hand is covered in shit all the time. You think about that, Tom? Yeah. Nasty. Like it's better to have a shitty ass than a shitty hand. Yeah. That's an ancient proverb, I think. I would rather do one good, because sometimes I wipe, there's nothing there. There's no brown. You have to go shoot. Burn what your ass smells like,

what your coconut balls smell like. God, he nasty. If you have one good wipe, you know, you know what you're doing. We've all been there where there's only like a couple sheets left. Yep. You can really be very efficient. You move slow, apply pressure, and go slow. We've always, we've all been there with like single sheets left. Sweatin'. Sweatin' it. But man, to have one wipe all the time, there's some shit where you're like, oh, this is a half a roll. Easily, yeah. And then knowing that you have one there. I've even thought about using the cardboard roll. Imagine this. Wait, imagine this over a second. You didn't even listen to that.

You've used the thought of using the cardboard to wipe. But I'm just saying, imagine this. Imagine one of your nastiest, like the shit where you go like, I'm going to be here 15 minutes cleaning this up. What would it be like to do one wipe and stand up and pull your pants up? What would that be like? It would not be good. Yeah. It would ruin the rest of your day. You better hope you take that shit at night. Yeah, but listen to what Full Charger is saying is that you would get so strategic, you would figure out a way to fold that paper into like 16 pieces that you would fucking do it. I don't know. It's tough. It's a tough choice. One. You're going to have an itchy ass. In this scenario, you're the itchy ass guy.

You're a nasty guy or girl. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Before we leave again, listen to the Full Charge power hour. Check it out. I got a couple episodes with Tom and Christina on them. You have to write and you're going to be one night only. One night only Tampa Improv September 13th. Your motherfuckers better be there. Check them out to your house. I'm going to smack the shit out of you. There it is. Kristina. You can check her out at Christina P dot com. No, Christina P online dot com. Sorry, Christina P official name change guys. You can say thousand wrench. It'll go there. You can. You can still go to it. It still works. It still works. But I picked it. Oh boy. Go see Christina. Do stand up. Now we're talking. There you go.

Christina's always had the weirdest emails too to go with the websites. Oh yeah. She still has. She still has most of them. There was the one. I remember when I started dating that was like a weird name. Somebody's weird name or something. Which one? No, your email address at one point was like God hates. Sorry. No. No. No. Oh yeah. Never. Oh my God. Who are you dating? You were like why? It was like why can the blacks vote? Oh my God. I know. Tom. Catch me in Charlotte at gmail.com. Oh my God. Tiki torch. Tiki torch bird. Never. All right. We got a song. Matt Mercer who's been hidden home runs on the songs. Yeah. I haven't ever heard this. This is in the file. It's called Fuck Me Tonight. Cool. That's the outgoing song. Matthew Folchron, the full

chart. Thank you for my pleasure. Always a pleasure. I mentioned before you got here that Australia, we're going to go in April. I'm down, man. I'm just, you know, September 13th. That's the only day I'm busy. That's the only day you're busy. It's going to be bananas, dude. Thank you guys for listening. Fart bananas. Fart. Regular bananas. Fart bananas. Fart bananas. Bye, Gene. Bye, Gene. I want you. Wow.