Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 412-LIVE From West Palm Beacb-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 6, 2017

This is how it's done. The South Florida mom's came out in full force and we had the best time.  We hope you enjoy this live episode that featured Fill Her Ups, Would You Rather's and so much more.  Make sure you put on sunblock under your jeans before you listen to this one, Jean. It was after all recorded in Breast Balls Beach, Florida. 

Gene, I'm so excited to present this episode to the people, to the masses. I would say that this may be the best live show we've had. It's not maybe. Yeah, it's kind of a maze. It was a maze. I want you guys to pay close attention to what happens at the Would You Rather? I'm just going to sprinkle that in there. It was an unprecedented reaction.

It was very funny. It was really fun. Really fun. Special night. There's a bunch going on. I'm in Lincoln, Nebraska. Stinkin' Lincoln. I'm in...

Linkham? Yep. Midwest shitty Oklahoma and Spring Fields in your mother's asshole, Missouri. This weekend. Next week, I'm doing One Night Only in Brea. It's sold out. I'm doing the Fox Theater in Oakland. I'm also going to shoot a special Saturday in Denver, Colorado, at the Paramount.

Those shows are sold out, and so I added one show, One Night Only, in Denver at the Comedy Works downtown, and it's going to go quickly. And then it's off to Albany, New York, Reading, Pennsylvania, Portland, Maine, and Toronto at the Sony Center for the Performing Arts, JFL 42. Get your tickets now, tomscura.com slash tour. There are a bunch of other cities up there for sale all over the Midwest, all over Tejas, New York City. I'm doing a big L.A. play.

Jewdork titties. Bartnicks, Arizona, even up until next year doing Mom Australia. So please check it out. Jean, where are you going? September 22nd and 23rd, I'm at Heriam Comedy Club in St. Louis Tits, Moms Zuri, and then October 3rd, Narshville, Nardsville. Yeah, that's good. Tain to Sea.

Oh, that's a new one. That's pretty good. Nardsville Tain to Sea at Zany's Comedy Club, October 4th, Charlotte, North Carolina. That just writes itself at the Comedy Zone. Yeah. October 8th, I am here with your other mother, Tommy, your mom's house live in Sperm Vine, California. I forgot that.

Oh, man. Man, I'm tired. Oh, man. Man. All right. Check it out. Check it out. Check it out.

Thanks for your support in the store with the shirts and the merch. And the merch and the shirts and the hip and the hop. And the hop and the hip and the hop. Also yesterday, well, a couple of days ago now when you listen, I was on the latest Rogan episode 1007 with Erie Schaefer and Burnt Crystals. And we have a new challenge. So I'll let you to quick listen, quick four hour and 45 minute podcasts that we did. If you want to check it out, you can hear us come up with a new challenge.

It's in October. And I think you'll find it highly amusing. So thank you. Did you say October? Yeah. Okay. Thank you to Joe for having us. And thank you guys for listening.

This is the live podcast from Breastballs Beach, Florida. And it went off amazingly. Thank you for everybody that came out. It was really a thrill for us. Makes me actually super geeked for the Irvine one because this was like just electric atmosphere. It really was one of those unique nights. Yeah. We got to do more live road podcasts.

Yeah. Podcast. So here it is in all its glory. We'll jump right into once we're already up there. But enjoy the show. Thanks for listening, guys. We're back, guys. We're back.

We're back. We just had to have our moos soup. That was really terrifying. I was really scared, actually. I know. Let's see if this works now. What do we do this whole time without our shit drops in our... Yeah.

I don't know what to do. Cry, motherfucker. Okay. Yeah. All right. That works. Make sure. I'd go retarded.

Yeah. That works. And we're back. All right. We're back live. We're back live. Live Your Mom's House. Pumpkash.

We're here. We did it. Press balls. Yep. We're down here with all the snow birds and the Jews. There's one. And you fucking Puerto Rican. There he is.

There's been so many Puerto Ricans. Cubans. Cubans. Yeah. We couldn't go swimming today, though, because your water is contaminated. Did you guys know that? Yeah. You know, when you're Puerto Rican, you're just Puerto Rican.

Well, this is true. We went to the beach today. Yeah. And we went to the guy at the hotel. We're like, can we get an umbrella? And he's like, yeah, but you just got to let you know you can't get in the water. And I was like, what do you think we're going to do here, man? And I go, why can't we get in the water?

And he goes, his bacteria is real high. And I go, is that common? He goes, I've been here a few years. I've never heard of it before. I know. And I'm like, well, great. I swam in this yesterday. I'm sure it's fine, right?

Yeah. Yeah. It just got here from the ocean. Yesterday was cool, but today it's all shitty and bad. I know. I think we're going to be radioactive now. I'm terrified. This will be our last show.

Yeah. Thank you, Florida. We flew here. I know, but make sure this is all working though. Hold on a second. So just to make sure that. You, you might my police situation. Okay.

That worked. Dirty and disgusting. Yeah. There we go. There we go. Dirty on the spot. What's your pronoun? Okay.

So they're different levels. That's fine. People have been calling me ma'am left and right. I'm very offended. Are you? Just because they're assuming you're a woman? I'm assuming they brought it. Or because they're assuming you're an old woman.

How dare you? Well, I don't know. Nobody calls me sir. They're always like little boy. Yeah. Sure. When I'm like. Yeah.

You're so stupid. I hate being called ma'am. Someone called me madam the other day and I really, I liked it though. Because I was in 7-Eleven buying hot Cheetos and he was like, there you go madam. What? Dude, what is wrong with you? Well, he was Indian. Why?

That is so offensive. Why is it offensive? He was an Indian. There you go madam. Yeah, he did. Thank you madam. Big words. Yeah.

I did not say big words. That basically is a big word. It's not a big word. And I was so like, I felt super fancy, you know, like, okay, all right, shit. Because you were a madam? Yeah, I was like. Do you feel like a mistress? Like a fart mistress?

I did. Yeah. So many people have gone to fartmistress.com. The site has crashed. And they're sending messages to my mother to be the fart mistress. And she's like, I'm not going to do it. She's like, she's very upset. And then she likes the flattery of the messages.

I tried to get it on Conan. I did Conan a couple of weeks ago. And they're, you know, they do a pre-interview, like what do you want to talk about? And you start telling them all. And then I was like, can we talk about fartmistress.com? And his producer was like, I'm listening. Like what is it? And I told him and he goes, he thought it was hilarious.

And then he goes, I told Conan and then maybe we'll get to it. And I was like, are you fucking serious? And he goes, he could go there. And I go, all right. And I was the whole time, I was just anticipating him being like, tell me about fartmistress.com. Well, they can say fart now on TBS, right? Because if you did the network version, they won't even let you suggest farting. So stupid.

Now you can go full farts. You can go all fart hard. So you were waiting the whole time for him to go out? Yeah. I was sitting there in the chair like, are you going to do it? And then he was like, yeah, we'll see my guest at the fucking other place. I was like, oh, okay. See you later.

Yeah. But I was really excited. So your mom, are we going to read her the emails people have been sending? 100%. Yeah. I'm excited. I want to get her on video. Yeah, yeah.

We'll video her. At least video her hearing them and maybe processing the movement. If you don't know, we paid for the website fartmistress.com. And I told my mom, like, will you fart on this website? And she was like, 100%. No. And I was like, what if we can get you money? And she was like, what kind of money are you talking about?

And I told her like a couple thousand dollars and she goes, I'm not a prostitute. And I go, well, what's your number? And she goes, 3,000? Well, because you also positioned it like this is your gambling money because she really likes to gamble. This is the hard cock comesino in Fart Louderdale. Fart Louderdale makes me laugh every time. Yeah.

She loves the slots. She plays the slots there. She doesn't even play real. It's like paying stuff, right? And she sucks. She's a fucking, she's the cooler. Like she comes in. The cooler?

And she loses. Yeah. That's what they call them? Yeah. When you walk in and they're like, I was going to lose. That's the cooler right there. And but here's, she has advice for you. So it's like, it's the person, imagine the person that's like, I've been divorced nine

times, giving you relationship advice like that. You're like, but you suck at this. And then she's like, I know, I know, I know. She's like, this machine doesn't pay. Don't sit here. And I'm like, but if you're saying it, it probably does pay. So, you know, what's so interesting is they put the water bucket next to me. So weird.

It's like they knew that I drink the most water in the family. Man. That's some bullshit right there. Yeah. Take your time. Yeah. You want to, you want to baba nipple for that? Why are you putting the mic up there?

I want them to hear it. They didn't hear that. But this is bullshit that this doesn't dehydrate you. It doesn't. I'm having that clap. If you think coffee doesn't dehydrate you, psychos, five psychos. But then I'm so thirsty when I drink it. It doesn't dehydrate you.

It makes me shit so hard. It does not. Speaking of shit, since we've been here, I just feel like you guys should know that I haven't really been browning as much. I know devastating news. Yeah. I think the problem is because we don't have a bidet in the hotel we're staying in, it's disgusting.

You think this is affecting your going to the bathroom? Of course. Why? Because my asshole is a gun shy. It knows that it can't relax and release because there's no ample cleanup provided. I have to admit, it bums me out too. Yeah. We have bidets now in three bathrooms at home.

I feel like we're falling out of control. You guys can get the tushy. It's a reasonable one. It's like 50 bucks. It's not a sponsor. We bought it. They should. Yeah.

They're fucking assholes for not sponsoring us. It's like 70 bucks. It's a fire hose to your butthole. It really is. You got to really ease into turning it on because you can get loose with it and it's just like... It hurts your... It'll hurt your tender sweet little asshole. It actually opened up my asshole when the water shot in there.

It actually opened it a little and made more brown come out. I've had that too. It's true. It does that because you'll be like, I'm done. I'm done. Yeah. And then you go... And then you're like...

It feels like somebody got in there. Yeah. It does. Is that what it feels like? What feels like? Having someone to go in your ass feels like? Go in your ass like with their hands. I don't know.

That hasn't happened in a long time. No. No, it hasn't. That is so nasty. Did you see him? Yeah. Seriously. Be honest.

I don't know. You did use to put your fingers in my butt. I like because... I feel like on the live show, we can say a little more. Okay. You know this is going to be downloaded. I don't know why I feel more. I'm just married to a triple DSLUT.

It's so stupid. Lake my ass. Lake my ass. See that? Lake and nasty. Can I tell you honestly? Since I had our kid though, and since two holes became one, you know, I had an apesia to me.

I'm a little nervous because that hole is not as taught, if you will. I haven't noticed anything really. My bee hole or my vagine? Your vagine is a fucking third grade. No. It's so snug. No, it has to be. You're such a liar.

So you say that. I'm serious. Your sweet guy and I appreciate it. I am not being nice. I'm being honest. You mean it? Yeah. It doesn't.

I have to picture like... I have to picture like eight guys standing behind me just to try to get in. Like I pretend it's a competition and they're like, yeah, Tom, yeah. Like do it up. Hurry up. And then I'm like, uh, uh. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Yeah, Tom. All the way. Give it to her. Like it's the gardeners and it's the fucking... What? We have gardeners. So...

How come I get shit for the Indian guy? Which is a real thing that happens to me. Because we have Jose? He comes by every fucking Wednesday. What are you talking about? Dali. Like, all right. Dali, webo, dali.

What does that mean? Dali, huevos. What does he say? I like that song. Dali, huevos? Yeah. That's give her eggs. Give her eggs.

She loves eggs. This one's fine. But this one's the killer, as I always say. I don't know what the fuck he says, honestly. Is that Daddy Yankee? I think so. I think you would know. Pit bull, huh?

You have his poster. That's a bull. Dali, huevos? Mr. Worldwide. You know that dude? He's ridiculous, right? Yeah, they are. Pit bull.

He makes like $35 million a year. That's bananas. Easy, right? Just like giving huevos out. Yeah. Dali. What does it mean, seriously? Dali, huevos?

Wait, he's not saying that. Huevos. What is he saying? I don't know. But it's not... Dali, besos? Dali, besos. Yeah.

Dali, besos. Dali, besos. Dali, besos. Dali, besos. Dali, besos. Dali, besos. Yeah. Yeah.

What is he saying? Dali, besos. Dali, besos. Dali, besos. Dali, besos. Yeah, yeah. What is he saying? Dali, besos.

Dali, besos. Dali, besos. So what is huevos? Can you say it? Give her a cum. Okay. Give her that ball juice. Yeah.

Right. It's like filming with your gasoline. It's the same thing, yeah. Always cum with those guys, huh? God. Everywhere. Savages. Yeah.

Guys like to cum. They do. What are you going to do? I mean, isn't that crazy that basically every decision a guy makes is connected to cumming somehow? Well, for you. For you. Not necessarily.

That doesn't mean for me. You think these guys are that different? Yeah. But then when guys turn like 50, they become, you know, human. You know what I'm saying? Like your dad became sweeter and now. Where's the cum? Yeah.

Like when the need to cum goes down a little, like you guys start to care about helping turtles across the street and shit. I think it doesn't happen at 50. I think you're, you got that wrong. Maybe like 68. Yeah. Yeah. That's when the testosterone starts to like dial down.

Yeah. And you turn into women and you become people. It's great. I know. I have an uncle who like just started crying at 75. Yeah. I'm like, you're crying. He's like, it's a sweet moment.

I'm like, you were a savage dude. Do you, do you think your dad still comes a lot? Definitely. Yeah. No, because he has, he's friends with a lot of older, like older than him. Yeah. And he's like, you know, my buddy, whatever, he takes a pill. My other buddy has to inject himself.

Inject his dick? Yeah. But he's like, you know, this guy's 81. This guy's, and I go, oh man, like how about you? He's like, oh no, not a problem. But like still a lot of lead in the pencil, not even, your old man's doing fine. I'm like, that's enough. That's enough information.

There's not information about my dad's dick. So. Remember when I saw his balls on the cruise? Yeah. I still think about it. In what way? Not in a hot, just like I remember him flipping his leg over and I was like, there it is. Yeah.

You like on circumcised guys as I recall, right? Yeah. Yeah. As I recall. As I recall. Yeah. I remember those balls. They're pretty big.

Yeah. They're huge. They're low hangers though. Like you're going to have nuts that hang low too. I hope so. I can only, I can only dream. Do you think about it? About having balls that are, sometimes I think about that.

Honestly, not to hit it again, but I think about it on the toilet. Because sometimes you're like, think about toilet water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's real. Do your balls touch the water yet? No. No.

I mean, I have just regular balls. They're not. No, they are. They're really, they're good. I really like them. Come on. No, I mean it. I've touched a lot of balls and I've touched a lot of balls.

Like. Did you ever have bad balls? Yeah. Well, what were they like? Bad ball. Am I, I mean, look, one woman's bad ball is another woman's treasure. I don't know. Right.

Different strokes. Everyone's the same. So maybe. I think, personally, here's my, I just don't, I like them high and tight. I do. I like them. Yeah. Like yours are nice and high and tight.

I've had balls that are just all skin. Like you're like, dude, so they're too big and there's not, there's nothing in them. Those are old balls. That's what that is. I've never. You've been blowing old guys. Again. No.

No, they're, they're young guys. They're that huge nuts, but I usually, usually it. The interesting thing, Tom really thought provoking. Yeah. Let's get it going. The bigger the balls, I found that the shorter and fatter the wiener, like it would be like a coat. The bigger the balls.

Yeah. The short, fat wieners. Yeah. Did it affect the, the loads they busted? I don't think so. No, I'm saying, were the big balls where you're like, Jesus, this thing doesn't turn off. Where is it like that? This thing doesn't turn off.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Was it like that? No. Really? No, I'll be on. Do you want to know who's had the most? Yeah, sure.

You. I have the most. I swear. A lot alone. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. No. I am. No, no.

I will jerk off with any of you guys. I'm serious. This is gross, but I'm going to do it any, because whatever. Yeah. I mean, from high school. Yeah. I had high school, college girls were always like, Jesus, what is up with all this jazz, which is man.

I know. And I actually asked a doctor about it once. Yeah. Because you know, you have like men have like a, like it's like a contraction, right? Yeah. I had, so I went to the doctor. I was like, I was a, I don't know, like 18, 19, I was like, look, man, I'm busting these huge ass nuts.

Is that normal? And he was like, what kind of, I'd say, so I described it to him in detail. And he was like, no, it's not normal. Really? And then he goes, yeah, well, he goes, it's, it's, it's a, you know, much higher than average, but he goes, just consider yourself lucky. He said it though. He said it like, I've been trying to come like that for years.

I dedicated my life to this and you just get it naturally. And I was like, yeah. That's fascinating. I know. I wonder if, I don't get into the details. What? Do you, do you get more swimmers than most? No, I don't think it has anything to do with that.

I just flew it around. Yeah. I used to have a great prostate. Wow. And I go, Rob, Rob, Rob. You think, did you sharpen your knife today? Uh, you should know. You, you did take a long shower.

It was really long. Yeah, I did. Rob, Rob, Rob. Guys, the grossest. He's so nasty. I don't like him at all. You know what's, all right, I'll get to it. Let's do this.

We have a proper show open clip. So we'll play that. And then we'll get back to this in a second. Here we go. The important issues. Here we go with the important issues of, of our show. Here we go. Well, I'm calling.

This is Mike. Just scrubbing. Mike, just give me the fucking elevator. What? It was on the phone earlier. 16. I'd be like, well, you look in New York now. Oh, shit.

This is big time. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me to fucking stand. Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura, Tom Tsutsu. And Christina Pizzi. Christina Pizzi.

Welcome to your mom's house. There it is. Thank you guys. We are live in Breastballs Beach, Florida. That, um, so that guy was pretty pissed off. Yes. He's talking to an elevator manufacturing rep on the phone. I guess his elevator didn't get fixed when he wanted it to.

So he just. Thanks for calling. This is Mike. Just scrubbing. Mike, just give me the fucking elevator. It was on the phone earlier. 16. I'd be like, well, you look in New York now.

Did he say the slut? Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. Nobody ever says that. Like get that fucking slut that I was talking to. That's so crazy.

It's a tough call over the phone, too. Yeah. Now she's a slut. Doesn't know. But it's a good way to provoke. See what happens. Just like a little bit. Hey, is that slut still there?

And then they're like, excuse me. Nobody likes that. How do you call the slut? I mean, I guess your elevator not being fixed does piss you off. Yeah. This level, this level. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm fucking sick of this piece of shit I have to deal with you people.

It's the worst elevator in the world. I'm going to fire it out and come and ram it up your fucking noses. Get him here now. Jesus Christ. You know what stands out to me the most about that is that he will shove it up your noses. Right, right, right. Like to be that angry and the natural inclination be I'll shove up your fucking ass and he was like, uh-uh.

Stuff that fucking elevator up your nose. Wow. It's almost like he pulled his anger in for a moment. Right. He didn't want to go blue. Yeah. He was like, that's too far. Yeah, too far.

But it probably would hurt more in your nose than your ass, right? What do you think? It would hurt to have an elevator shoved in any orifice that you have. But yeah, your nose, you definitely die. Yeah. For sure. If I put an elevator up your nose. Yeah.

Yeah. That hurt so much. You know, I keep thinking about the animal lady this week, like some clips stick to me. Yeah, I know, right? I keep thinking about her and how dangerous. Rain Florence. Rain. Isn't that her name?

Yeah. Rain Florence. How do you put piss in your butt? I'll show you. Because it would absorb the toxins, like you would die. What really stood out to me about her, just later gave herself a urine enema, was that, yeah. Yeah, I'm nasty.

Let me bring it up. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Here we go. She's so fucking sad too. Hello, everybody. Rain Florence. Today I'm going to do a urine enema for the first time.

For the first time. And you should see, like, she's like, like, I'm going to see my dad for the first time, like that. Like, she's so touched. She's so touched. That she's committing to this. She's so scared. Today, during the day I have collected my urine in this bowl.

Top of it this much. And I just poured one quart into my enema bucket right above me. You pissed in a bucket is what you're saying. And you're going to put it in your ass. What happens to you that you get that nutty? Like, how does that switch flip where you're like, no, this is healthy? She's a conspiracy theorist for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She is. Because I remember one of my, down here, I went to high school in Vero Beach, if you don't know. I run around here. And one of my friends, my mom's, was like, can't trust doctors. Like, they'll fuck with you. And I'm like, what? And like, when you're sick too, you know what I'm like, I'm going to the doctor.

She was like, that's stupid. Only an idiot would go to the doctor. All right. And then she had all these alternative therapies, which I'm sure like, I'm not saying that there's no alternative therapy that has, you know, value. But if you, if you keep embracing that only alternative works, then you end up putting your own piss in your ass. You're going to die.

Yeah. Because who was it? Who was it? Who's dead? The computer guy? Steve Jobs. Yeah. He was alternative therapy.

He had pancreatic cancer, which is aggressive to begin with. It's not, you know, high chance of beating it. And they found it early. And so they were like, we're going to take it out. And he was like, I'm going to eat fruit. Right. What? He's like, I fucking made these things.

I'm eating fruit. All right. And so, and then the doctor's like, all right, he did make the shit that we're typing on. So, and then a few minutes later, he was like, oh, I fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. That is the equivalent of like, I'm going to get myself your unanimous. And I'm going to eat lots of yogurt.

That's what happens. This lady would 100% if they were like, you have a brain tumor, we need to operate. She'd be like, I'm going to juggle this week and see what happens. Okay. So I'm laying on my left side and I'm just about to insert the nozzle right now. Take a couple of deep breaths during this process. Okay. She is so emotional about this.

Like she's like, which I understand. Like, again, you're, you put your own piss in your ass. It is crazy. It's so crazy to me. I love crazy. You're going to allow the urine to enter my colon. Oh. I'm going to try to hold it for about five minutes.

Okay. I'm opening the clamp. Girl, you nasty as hell. Now. She surfaces and so much pain. Oh my goodness. Hey. I'm already noticing.

Okay. Yeah. What are you noticing? It's so fucking crazy. And she's laying on her back again. Okay. The urine's falling in. I'm having a little bit of leakage and I don't know why.

I'm just leaking out. Just a little bit, though. I wonder if you'd have that, you know? Who? If you'd have that. Leakage? A little leakage from your blood hole. Yeah.

You wouldn't even be able to stay in there. You know, I get, I just, I don't know how people put stuff in their butts so easily. I mean. Oh, you get used to it. You get used to it. You gotta. Just. Some of her, I mean, I'm sure there's people in the audience like this.

Some of her friends are like, oh yeah. You know, we butt fuck pretty regularly. And I'm like, what? Yeah, maybe we're the squares, Tom. You know what I mean? Maybe we should be giving ourselves P enema's and fingering ourselves. We're talking about two different things though, right? What?

Butt fucking regularly and giving yourself a P enema. Yeah. But don't you have to, I mean, shouldn't you give yourself an enema before you have butt sex? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A strong performer's do that. It's a very strong performer.

That's what they do. It's a courtesy, I'm assuming. I think it's a courtesy to yourself. Man. It makes it easier. It's wild. I'm gonna open the clamp one more time. Whoa.

Oh. I'm starting to have this purple vision. She's tripping out. A purple vision. There's toxins in her bloodstream. I see 10,000 more people coming together in support of me. It sounds like Trump at a Trump rally or something, right? Maybe that's why he has such a big ego.

He's like, I'm putting piss in my ass every night. People love me. I can't help it. Yeah. Facebook live of it, yeah. In support. Oh, God. I can't watch her.

Of me. Rain Florence. See, she's saying her own name now? Florence. That's what's going on. Who says that? I'm opening the clamp again. Oh, boy.

Stop. Opening the clamp. Wow. Close the clamp. Oh, my goodness. I almost just want to cry. So do I. Yeah.

I don't want to watch her do this. This is tough. I've been thinking about her all week. I can't do it anymore, Tom. A little bit of sensation in my Botox region. It might just be because the urine is a little bit cold. That's not the only reason you're feeling that way. Let's move right along, Tom.

Interesting enough. You've been thinking about her? I'm done with her. Okay. You brought her up. I've been thinking about her. I feel bad. She's crazier.

She's crazier than catshit. Okay. So what I learned about you on this trip, it's very interesting. After 12 years of knowing you, I feel like I know almost everything. Yeah. Now you are anorexic. Yeah. You can use.

I can use either hand. It's true. Right. And. And what's neat about that talent is that sometimes I notice you sign with your left and it looks all retarded. Like you'll be all. Wait, what?

What? Like you look stupid when you do it, but it's cute. Why do I look stupid? Because it's not right. Like you shouldn't. You should be right-handed. Yeah. Like when you sign your name.

But it got me to thinking. What do you do with either hand? Which hand do you wipe with? Because I'm not with you at those times. Oh. Very thought-provoking. Yeah. I mean, all the things, it's automatic.

I'm just good at everything, but I do it. Like the hand chooses it. Like through the anorexia, it chooses itself. So I write left-handed. Right. And it looks stupid. See how dumb that looks? Looks dumb.

I brush my teeth. Left-handed. Really? I didn't know that. I eat with a fork. Left-handed. Right. I know that.

I throw a ball right-handed. Didn't notice that. I prefer to jerk it right-handed. Really? I can do it with the other hand. But I prefer especially to finish with the right-hand. There's just like... Why is that though?

There's just, I know how to... Yeah. Oh, that your subtle moves. Right. Especially for like that finishing, you know what I mean? Rounding third, I like to go back to the... Like I can go left, left, left. And then it goes to the right-hand.

So I do that. And I definitely wipe right-handed. Really? Yeah. Interesting. I think higher skill level things are right-handed. Wait a minute. But you write with your left.

That's quite possibly the highest skill. Nah. Throw a football, man. Right-handed. Okay. Yeah. Interesting. Throw a baseball.

I shoot right-handed. Yeah. Golf right-handed. Not that I do that regularly. No, you're not a golfer. I didn't know all this about you. These are all new things? Yeah.

I didn't know it. I like learning new stuff. We should go out to dinner sometime. I'll tell you, like... I'll tell you a bunch of stuff. If you want to, if you want to find out. I've also been watching you. Wait, do you do everything right-handed?

Yes. Everything. Yeah. I have known you... This is useless. Why don't you donate it? Why don't you give it away? Donate it, I should.

Even when I do Pilates and stuff, the left side is terrible. It's wonky, it's weaker. I'm totally right-dominant, you know. Yeah. It's the talent. It's just being strong and stuff. Okay. But back to you.

I've noticed this week, because we spent a lot of time together. We've been on vacation here. You really savor your body functions. More than anybody I know, you'll sneeze. You do this annoying thing where you sneeze three times in a row. It's clearly for attention by the third time. You have to look at the light to get it out. Yeah.

That's the worst. I always look for the light. Hold on. Yeah. And if you say bless you before I sneeze, I'll knock you the fuck out. Because it will fuck with me. It makes me so upset. Why?

When you're like on the edge and someone's like, bless you. I'm like, fuck you, fuck you. I don't know, it goes away. Yeah. Because you need total focus when I see you doing your... I don't feel like that's what I look like. I have to stop and let you do your retarded face. And then you sneeze in threes.

And then after you'll be like, oh, that was such good sneeze. I like how it feels. Don't you like that feeling? No. Right? I don't. It's a little pleasure. I'm not saying it's a...

I don't care. I'm indifferent. But if you have a three-year of more in a row and you have that momentary buzz from it, you're like, whoa. It feels good. It feels good. I like it. But you savor that.

You'll be like, that was a good cough or that was a good shit. Or that was such a good shit. I don't really enjoy shitting. I just like to leave from the pain. Q-tip, like clean my ear. Yeah, that's a good one. I like that one. Oh, God, I feel so fucking good right now.

And she's like, it's disgusting. It's like, oh. That's what you say. Well, your Q-tips look like someone dipped them in orange paint when they get out. Jesus Christ. Yeah. We got a lot of waxes for editorial. Yeah.

That's what my dad told me. I know. I was like, I was like, oh dude, I got a lot of waxes. He's like, yeah, it's genetic. Like all excited. I'm like, it couldn't be a vertical leap. It had to be fucking ear wax. Sweet.

It's genetic. But really cool genes you got passed down. Yeah, but you do like them more than anyone else. Yeah, that's true. It's very cute. All right. Do you want to go back to this or no? Listen to this.

No? You don't like that? Next. You don't like elevator guy? All right. We're done with elevator guy. The fucking lady. Ended it.

So Christina, it says, I was listening to episode 409 this morning. Notice an audio issue at 336. An awful sound filled my headphones. And it's you. Thank you. You sneezing, it says? Oh, stop. Let's see.

Do you have the fucking balls to talk about my sneeze? The fuck, man? But that was so charming. It was like a little, like a little dough, like a baby. That was hideous. Maybe that's why I don't enjoy them. They're not pretty. Oh, man.

Someone said it affected me emotionally and still have not recovered. That was horrible. Also, at 1508, there was a sound of what I think was a touched individual attempting to sing. It was deeply disturbing. And hope it was just an equipment issue that can be fixed. And then it says, click here to hear it. Here's this one.

You know where you are? Yeah. You want a chocolate, baby? Yeah. Babe, you know where you are? Yeah. You want a chocolate, baby? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. That sneeze is terrible. By the way, that's called a perfect impression. I don't know. Yeah.

I'm a huge G&R fan, guys. Absolutely. You can't take your headphones off now, can you? You guys are horrible, all of you. You are fucked now. No. You guys are all rotten, all of you. You're terrible.

You're the worst. Don't do it again. So. No, don't do it again. Don't do it again? No, don't do worse things. Okay. Okay.

All right, guys. Let's get to some YMH business. First of all, you know, a lot of people have been writing in about this very important debate that's been raging on in your mom's house community. And that is whether or not shits push the fart out. Wow. Yeah. Very divisive.

Thank you. Finally, someone is addressing real issues. So. This came in from Zachary. Yeah. Hey, Hitlers, I've been thinking about your... I know. It's so funny.

God damn it with the Hitlers. Every one of them starts, Hey, Hitlers. I know. Hey, Hitlers, I've been thinking about your fart and shit situation. And he writes, honestly, I'm deeply offended. Who are we to apply socially constructed roles to shits and farts? Maybe some farts push out shits and some shits push out farts. You excrement normative binary standards should be cast aside and we should just accept that

farts and shits are fluid. Anyway, I hope you can get rid of your cis normative constructs and see the light. Keep it high and tight. Thank you, Zach. Well, thank you. Wow. That's a really... Good stuff.

Yeah. Well, that's really interesting. Well, did you want to read something, Tommy? Yeah. Which one? The next one? That's what I'm saying. Well...

Oh, my God. Good job, young Jedi. That was great. I mean, no, once a listener brought it to my attention, I was totally blown away. You had me believing farts push the shit out for years. That's what my mother taught me. Yeah, it's not true. That's what my mother taught me.

If farts push the shit out, when shit was done, there'd be so many farts after it. It's supposed to shit out when shit was out. There'd be farts. Not necessarily so, Tom. Shits push the farts out. Right. So then there should be farts at the end of the shit is what you're saying. If farts push the shit out, but we're going the other way on it.

Do you ever even understand this? This is high level stuff. No, I know. Philosophically speaking. Well, I had an epiphany on this very topic as we've been spending time here in Palm Beach, is that I farted the other day and I kept farting and farting and farting and farting with no shit. Okay. And I thought to myself, I thought to myself, can't we have farts for the sake of having them?

Why? Oh, damn. Yeah. Why must all farts have purpose or utility? You weren't really philosophical on that. Thank you. I mean, it's like this capitalistic notion that everything has to have a fucking utility attached to it. What if farts are just for fart's sake, like art?

For aesthetic enjoyment. There's no usefulness to them. Yeah, you're opening my whole mind up again. Thank you. Really interesting stuff. I thought it was. That's super deep, bro. Thanks, guys.

Here's a thought provoker. It's also foul. It says, subcane, I was sitting in bed after a night at the bars and my girlfriend was vomiting in the bathroom right next to my bedroom after one too many adult beverages. Nope. That's when something amazing happened. At the same moment, while she barfed and made a sound only Christiansa could love, she farted. Which raises the question, what do you call it when you puke and fart at the same time? Keep it high and tight and poly and bi.

Sincerely hot cocoa. Whoa. What do you have a name for that? No, that is a thought provoker. Puke and fart. I feel like those two go hand in hand because you have food poisoning. And if you barf and fart, it could be a Bart, I guess. I would just call it a Burt and leave it at that.

Well done, Tom. I think you're right, let's leave it at that. Here's another thought provoker that came in. I really like this one. Are you ready guys? This is from Gerald. He writes, can retarded people vote? Whoa.

That's such a good question. It kind of is. It's mean and you go like, come on. But then like a few seconds later, you're like, that's a good question. Right? Right. The answer is yes. Wait, how do you know?

Wait, wait, what? About retarded people voting? Uh-huh. He was voting. He was like, dude, not you. You go to a vote and they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're like, I can't vote? No.

That's true. Someone helped him sign? Well, now wait a minute, that's a physical disability. But he was mentally disabled as well. Yeah, but what if he was like, you know, you know. What if you see him and you're like, this guy doesn't know what day it is, you know? I'm serious, like, can that guy... He cannot?

How do you know this though? What? Oh! You're retarded? Well, that is interesting. I wonder, I wonder, can retarded, they can't drive, clearly. They can drive. Yes, they can, we learned that.

As long as you can pass the driving test, you can show up fucking drooling. No, it's true, and if you pass the test, they're like, you pass the test. But I'm saying for voting, it's your constitutional right, you're 18. That's true, you have to be 18 and American, that's the only prerequisite. I think you would have to be just beyond, like, literally they would have to be like, no. You know, like, you're just like, ah! Like, if you can't find your way in the booth, then maybe they can go like, you definitely can't vote. It's so wild.

If you're like, I like orange, and then... What? What? That's not crazy, I'm an actor. That was so... I don't offend it, I can't. What's this? Okay.

Do top dogs, I'd go retarded. Oh, yeah. That's my favorite. Where is that one? Oh yeah, I'd go retarded. I'd go retarded. Yeah, I'd go retarded. That's the best.

Alright. Do you want to rate this one? This is another thought for Voker. Let's see. This one? Yeah. Okay. Hi, Hitler.

God damn it, they're all... It's a lot. It's a lot. Do you guys think deaf people are more grossed out by farts than non-deaf people? That's a good question, though. Hear them out, yeah. Hear them out. I look at it like this.

Their other senses are heightened, just like blind people, including the smells. But add into the mix, they can't hear them. Silent but deadly is always worse because it sneaks up on you. Basically, their whole life is nothing but silent but deadly. Wow. That's from Kevin. Kevin, you're a goddamn Rhodes Scholar. And that is true, because every time, it could be like super loud, and you'd be like,

what the fuck, man? Yeah, it would just kick you. It's a warning, so you can brace yourself so when the expectation is met, then... That's true, yeah. It's always a surprise. Yeah. Let's talk about death. Sure.

So, Jerry Lewis died. Yes. He was... Justina's not a fan. He was... Why, why, why, why, lady? Speaking of retarded, that was his whole thing, right? That is true.

His whole thing was acting retarded. Funny retarded. Big teeth on the big glasses. Yeah. He basically locked down retarded. I mean, that is, this is him. That's Jerry Lewis, if you didn't know. And he died, and they did this thing, the Hollywood Reporter, which is...

Really big in LA, the trades, right? The industry news, and Hollywood Reporter's definitely one of the biggest. They did a special interview where they were interviewing people that are still working in Hollywood over 90 years old. Why? Why are you working? Just to be like, well, that's what they wanted to know. They're like, why are you doing this?

Stop. Just relax. But I mean, they were also celebrating them. They're like, you're old as fuck, and you're still entertaining people. And it's pretty, you know, it's probably... It's a cool thing. The Hollywood Reporter calls you, you work in Hollywood, it's a big deal. They go to his house, he allows them into his house.

They set up for an interview that's going to be in print, but also to air online. And he was such a dick. And it's kind of hilarious, but like, he just was like... It's like, why would you even say yes to the interview? That's the thing is that he was notorious... Yeah, they didn't just show up. They were like, you want to do an interview now? No.

And he had a bad reputation for being really grumpy towards the end of his life. Yeah. This is pretty funny. This is pretty good. We're doing a feature on people who are still working in their 90s. Have you ever thought about retiring? Why? Was there never a moment that you thought it might be time to retire or you would want to...

Why? So that... Imagine being in the interview and be like, oh my God. You come from a generation a little older, and I think of Bob Hope, George Byrne. I like that he tells a 91-year-old guy, you come from a generation a little older. Sinatra, people you knew, many of whom didn't want to or never retired either. Do you see similarities with them? None.

None? None drives people like you and them to want to keep working. Such a dick. Because we do it well. Okay, I should. What a dick, man. Wait, this is even better. This is great.

Hold on, hold on. What's different about performing now for you than say 20 years ago, how is it different for you? It isn't. What an inspiring interview, huh? It isn't. Hey, hold on, here's another one. Have you made any... How do you keep the material fresh?

Any concessions to being older in your performing or does it... How do you keep the material fresh for yourself? By working at it. So then if you're this guy, you're like, oh my God. So then he goes like... Because you're basically allowing him to just talk more, not give you one word of answer. He's like, well, here's one I know factually, you'll have to give me a different answer. He asks him, how is Vegas different now than when you started working there 50 plus years ago, right?

A million years ago. How is Vegas different for you than when you first came here? What was the first time you performed in Vegas? 1947. Sorry, 70 years ago. What Vegas was like when you first showed up? It's the same. Exactly the same.

Exactly the same. It's totally not. There were two hotels, you lying dick. He's so dismissive. Why do the interview if you're not even going to answer the guy? It's so weird. What is it about Vegas that you like or what is it about? How would you describe the place?

When you showed up in 1947, what was it? It wasn't a little bit of a dusty cow town. What was it like? Dusty cow town. Well, thanks for the interview, Jerry. Here's a supercut of his answers. Why? Why none?

Because we do it well. It is not at all. We're working at it. Anyone that's 90 does. No, no. 1947. It's not. It's the same.

Exactly the same. Dusty cow town. No, no. You asshole. Total asshole. I have to admit, I think that's the funniest shit he's ever done. Absolutely. I feel like at 91, I would give the same interview, you know?

Well, that's the thing. Once your face starts melting off of your skull, you know what I mean? That's when you go behind closed doors and just retire. Just give it up. Your ego, the guy is such a fucking egocentric. Why are you torturing people with your existence at that point? Just go away and die like the rest of us. Oh my God.

Sorry. Is that too dark? He's fucking 90s too old. Do you know where blue jeans came from? Do you know about this? During the 1950s, young America discovered blue jeans and the industry exploded in the United States. It's a hidden puke clip.

I had you looking over here. Boom. That fucking hurt. That was mean. That really hurt actually. Terrible man. That was a dry heave. God, you're terrible.

Alright, here's another thought provoker. There's no more barf clips. When food goes right through you, is it the meal you just ate? Or a prior one being pushed out? That's a good question. I don't see how it could be the meal you just ate. It can't be. But it feels like it is.

That's an illusion. But maybe it's pushing the bad food out that you had earlier and that's what's cleaning you out, right? The meal that was in you. I mean, you're getting into medical stuff now. Yeah, I know. It's making space. That's what it is.

There's the doctor right there. Stomach's like, get out of here. You also knew the retarded question too. The fucking expert of West Palm Beach, huh? You want to do a master of accents? Yeah. Okay, so this came in. Let's see what this is here.

I have like a fucking goddamn net. So this is Scottish hoof. Oh boy, that's a toughie. This couple is on the Jeremy Kyle show confronting each other about cheating. Let's see if you guys can figure out what's being said. When I say something else, I tell you how that feels. I've been there, I've been there.

I've been to the airport for that. I've been to English, just so you know. No. Like that I heard. I've barfied this bad. You did that. So you finally got the boss, did you hear that too?

It's not. That sounded like good. I know what you thought it was. Good n-word. No, no, no. It sounds like it. I heard big words too. I heard you know what?

Yeah. And she said it's clear. She said it's clear. She definitely said it's clear. It's clear, it's clear. Something. I heard big words too. She heard.

It's clear. It's clear. It's clear. It's clear. Honestly. Okay. Fucking show-offs. And then, and then here's the last one.

It's always funny stuff. Man, I think I'm gonna go. Okay, so. It's so crazy. Let's go back to the one where everyone thought they heard something. Because I have the clip here. Okay, so I know it. I have a translation.

Okay, let's hear it one more time. Okay, here we go. Okay. Here we go. And go ahead. Good, dad. So good. Now you're gonna say,

even if you finally got the boss dogmatic, I've got to say one or two rascals. That's good. Blank, her conversation. You did. Good, dad. So that, by the way, the beginning is she's saying you did.

She's saying you did. That's how heavy the Scottish accent is. Good, dad. That's you did. You did. Good. And then. Oh, man.

Blank, dad. So good. Now you're gonna say, even if you finally got the boss dogmatic. The N-word conversation is what she said. She's saying. The N-word conversation. So now you're going to say,

see when you finally get the balls to admit it, you're going to say one or two lassies. That's what the whole thing is. That's what she says. I swear to you. Yes, it is. She's racist. Good, dad.

So good. Now you're going to say, even if you finally get the balls to admit it, you're going to say one or two lassies. I heard lassies. That's what she says. What's up with the lassies? Is somebody here Scottish?

Do you not think she's saying that? You think the translation's wrong? She says the N-word conversation was good. No, she doesn't. No, I don't know. I'm sure the translation's accurate. I just don't... You know, that's crazy.

That's crazy that that is English, man. That's English. Damn. That is... That is English. He says, when I slept with someone else... He says, when I slept with someone else, I told her, when she did it,

she lied for a year and a half. That's right here. This is a deal, isn't it? This is a deal. These are our fucking brothers and sisters, guys. Yep. All right, that was a horrific failure. That was bad.

All right. You know what I've been noticing on this vacay, Daddy? What? It's vacation dads. They... The puppies. Sorry, I'm in Florida. I forgot.

They... There is a specific... There is a specific type of vacation dad. I've been seeing where they... They're always shirtless, right? In their box or whatever, swim trunks. Uh-huh. And then they have the hard booze belly.

There's that guy. But then, dad bod, right? It's hard, but then, I saw... They have, like, the rib cage shows and a fat belly, which I feel like it should be either or, but not both. It's a good observation. How many of you have a fat belly and the rib cage show? That's stage three cancer, actually.

That's, um... No, that's... That's totality! That... Oh, yeah, we didn't... We didn't even talk about eclipse! Oh, man, the eclipse. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Oh, my God! Prominences! How many of you did that guy's voice during the eclipse? That was so fun. It was great, right? We did it the whole time.

Totality! He was so excited about it. Prominences! About it, yeah. Totality! That was the best. Yeah, that was great. Dads love that.

They do. That dad bod... Prominences! Uh... That's hard to achieve. That's... You gotta go hard for years to get that special dad bod. Hard, yeah.

Yeah, where the ribs and the big, hard pushy. That's just rough, man. You gotta, like, really booze it up. Definitely six days a week. And... And, like, you still somehow stay active. So you have the hard gut and you're like, I'm doing all right.

I got the ribs on the side. It's a Florida bod. It's a Florida dad bod. It's a Florida dad bod, yeah. Totally. And what I've noticed is on every beach, whether it's, you know... It's like a Florida Keys bod, you know? Yeah.

But I noticed, like, in South Beach or here, there's always the guy who looks like a piece of fucking beef jerky. Skinny, skinny, skinny guy with his dog rib showing. Yeah. Leather skin. Yeah. Like, charcoal. And he can't get enough.

Every day he's like, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, yeah. Yeah. That is a Florida guy, too. It's such a Florida guy. But then they're athletic. Like, they run all day or something. You're like, what are you doing? You just want to die.

Like, you're trying to kill yourself. Yeah. They're sun worshipers, man. You know what else? Yeah, yeah. You see it in the south. You were pointing out, you're like, look how this dipshit is dressed. Oh, my God, yeah.

See, I'm used to seeing this from growing up here. Oh, my God. But so we're at the hotel and this guy has on, like, like, pink khaki style, you know, like pink shorts with a belt and then a tucked-in button-down collar. Like, he looks like a, like a frat guy. Like a rapist. Going to the game. It's a douchebag rapist.

And she's like, what the fuck is that guy wearing? And I go, oh, yeah, that's a deaf, that's like a, it's like the southern preppy look. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I go, yeah, I hate him so much, too. And she's like, who dresses like that? I'm like, like 18 million people. Well, because like, because seriously, in LA, if I saw a fucking dude wearing like pink,

pink khaki shorts, a brown braided belt, and then like a polo collar and then tan top ciders with no socks. I know you'd be like, this dude's about to get beat to death right now. Yeah, yeah, like, that motherfucker will be dead. Like, there's no way he would survive. But it's like automatic, right? You see that guy doesn't even blink when you see that guy. You're like, fuck that guy.

But you know, he's like a preppy douchebag. Yeah, it's a douchebag. It's a douchebag. You got the Brooks Brothers look. Yeah, fuck the Brooks Brothers. You're going to like the way you look. Is that them? No, that's men's warehouse.

You're going to like the way you look, Brooks Brothers. Well, what's Brooks Brothers saying? I love how much you don't know that. I don't give a fuck. I don't know capacity for, you know, I don't fucking care. That Brooks Brothers, that is some Southern shit, though. We don't have that in LA. No fucking way would a guy wear like a lime tuxedo.

Why does that call a seersucker suit? Oh, the seersuckers, like, that's super Southern. Yeah, that's the suit in like Georgia, Alabama. Yeah, Carolina's racist places. Yeah. It's like, it's an alpha that says, I might be racist. Right. You get the suit, you get the Tiki Torch, you're ready to go.

Now, you got the whole outfit, man. Tiki Torch, all right. Half those guys were prepped out. They were like, collar shirts. They went to Brooks Brothers. They did. And they're like, I like the way I look. I'm going to go out.

You're smart, but... All sales are final. Should we do our special sale? Yeah. Also, you want to get that twin thing came in. We've been really asking great questions about twin dicks. You read it, you read it. Yeah.

Most important. Are there any twins here? No twins. It's like almost 500 people. Sorry. Like, you represent the twins that aren't here. They didn't want to come. These guys are actually twins, and they're talking about it.

They couldn't get inside, she was too tight. Yeah. And so you stepped in? Yeah, my... Do you have a smaller penis? Is that why? No, I didn't get another girl. I didn't understand that.

Is this a master back sense or a fucking... No, no, they're twins. But here's what the guy says. This is what he gets to. So this lady's interviewing these two twins. One of them basically says that, you know, a guy had trouble with the girl she was with, and then he explains...

They were friends. I thought it was like you couldn't fit inside, so he called you in because you have a narrow penis, and he's like, it's okay. We got everything is the same. Yeah, we're twins. You're the same? Everything is identical.

Everything is identical. So that's another... From the fucking eyebrows. A case that their dicks are the same. Exactly the same. I'm beginning to lean towards that, as the solution to this thought provoker, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's compelling shit. ABC's gonna do a profile next week. Very, very... All right, let's do some... Do you want to do filler ups? Yeah, sure. All right. Let's do it.

We need our scene. All right. Here we go. Special scene. I like this. It reminds me of like roller skating, you know, in seventh grade. It's good.

Okay. So for filler up, sealer shut, we're doing today at your mom's house edition of filler up, sealer shut, meaning that we're going to discuss people that have been featured

on the show. So first... From mom's house. First we have the ladies. Okay. So would you rather fill up and seal shut Rain Florence?

Today. Okay. Today. During the day I have collected my urine in this... We know her now. Okay.

So you... You know who that is. She's so crazy. Or would you rather fill up and seal shut? Come down later for moose soup!

All right. I think we've spoken. The tribe has spoken. What do you think? I mean, I think we've spoken. We've spoken. We've spoken.

We've spoken. We've spoken. We've spoken. What do you think? I mean, but if I have to choose, I mean, I cannot...

But really think about it though. I know I am. I am. Here's Rain Florence. She's going to be all weird and... Oh, she's going to cry. Yeah. I know.

Yeah, that's true. She is filled up with piss, so... I feel like the moose soup lady is a real PIG in the sense of it. Like... She is a savage animal. Yeah.

Yeah. Like Rain's going to be like, I want you to connect with me first. Yeah. Yeah. She's going to cry in feelings and all that shit. Yeah.

I'm ready to make love now. I don't want that. And moose soup lady's going to be like, fucking just slam it in there. Don't give a shit. Yeah. Moose soup lady would take your head and just force it in between her legs.

Yep. And you... Come down later for moose soup! And you'd have to... You'd have to eat her box. She won't let you out. OMG. You'd have to eat all her moose soup

before you get out of that. Oh. Man. I'm going to go for moose soup. I bet at least if you were eating her out, she'd be super complimentary, you know? The moose soup lady. Fuck!

You guys are doing good! Yeah. Fuck! She'd be so much fun. I feel like the moose soup lady's a party. Yeah. And Rain is like a serious bummer. It'd be a downer.

Yeah. I'm all moose soup. But it actually depends what mood you're in. If you want to get fucking wild, you go moose soup all the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you want to, like, really take your... Yeah, if you want to have an emotional connection,

then Rain is like, pee in my butt now, you know? It just depends what you like. Let's ask the audience. Who here would rather make sweet love multiple times to Rain Florence? You're in therapy, lady. A few moose in the back.

Who would take the moose soup lady? Wow! You guys are fucking pigs, man. Wow! You guys are doing good! That way we have moose all around. That way? That way!

Holy shit. Okay. So, now we have this other one. Oh, shit. Yeah. No, yeah. Now it's the men. Because I'm definitely, I'm with them.

I'm going moose soup. Yeah, she's a party. Yeah, because also, you know, she drinks. You're just like, just give me a handle of whiskey and I'll fucking do it. Yeah. You just get through it. She's a serious pig.

Okay. So, here are your guys. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Yeah. Someone's like, ugh. It's guys that have been featured on this podcast. So, it's not going to be good. So, would you rather...

Fuck. Would you rather have be filled up and sealed shut by this man? Rub, rub, rub. Never. Who is a master of sharpening his sword. Fifty time, fifty time. Fifty time. Or would you rather have sex with this man?

Oh, the story that this road tells. It's not going to be, I mean, close your eyes. Close your eyes. No, no, no. Are you ready? Close your eyes, close your eyes. Okay, okay, okay. All right.

So, there's kisses, kisses on your neck. And then... He makes that noise from a fucking highway. Imagine if he's up inside of you. Just pumping over and over. All right. Well, here's the thing. The rub, rub guy is so fucking creepy.

I can't even... What? I can't even... I can't even... I can't even... I can't even... Well, here's the thing. The rub, rub guy is so fucking creepy.

I can't even... What? I'm so not in the... But he's a master of love-making. I know you, you... That doesn't... It doesn't matter. Fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty.

Here's why I don't like him. He'll take longer because he's mastered his... His circumstances, right? His circumscription. How'd you say? Asshole. Masada Tesco. We found old videos of him.

Yeah, I just want to hear this. Like, I don't know, thirty plus years old. Still, he was talking about your dick and your balls then. Like, he's... He hasn't wavered at all. Man, when you finish the kidney, Masada Tesco. Okay? Tesco is an incredible factory producing a lot of sexual energy.

This is from the seventies. Yeah. Okay, but back to this story. Okay. I mean, it's a really interesting one to think about. So you have a guy who, for fifty years, he's just been like, touching his dick, talking about his dick, talking about sex.

So maybe it'll be like the most mind-blowing sexual experience you could ever have. It's never gonna be. Why? He's such an expert. Dude, it's so narrowly. His knife is so sharp. Okay, look.

I mean, woman to woman. Like, all these scenarios are about getting in and getting out. Right? So in my mind, it's like, I'm gonna get in there and I'm gonna let the trans-Canada dad. He's gonna be so stoked. Dude, he's never had a mouth on his penis ever. This'll be the first time any woman's ever tugged his nuts

and he's gonna love it. And I'm gonna make this guy's life, dude, the trans-Canada highway. Okay. That's how you see it, too? Yeah. Just like getting out. But that's the thing.

In this scenario, what's supposed to be happening is these guys are going to town for like hours. So you can't really think of it as in and out. Maybe. She's got a good point. Wait, hold on. The lady in the front just said the rub-rub guy is gonna be counting out.

Like one, two, three. Five. So you're gonna have to hear this asshole count. That was racist the way you did that. Why was it racist? I was doing an impression. One, two. Yeah.

That's how he does it. Fifty time and then he'll go. Fifty time, fifty time, fifty time. You know, turn. Internal orgasm. That guy's awesome. Oh, yeah. But as a woman, you can just close your eyes

and like just let him get excited. Let me propose this to you though. Sure, go ahead. Your scenario, what you're saying makes sense if you're like the idea is to get in and out. But what if in this scenario that we're proposing you have to spend an hour with the person? Very shit.

Would you rather have the rub-rub guy who's like, I make you come fast, hard? No. Or. Or. It's trans-Canada hot wings. Oh. Oh.

That guy. It's, it's that guy. For an hour. Yes, you know why? Because I'll give him a thimble full of whiskey which he's never had in his life. And he'll go crazy. He's like, this is crazy.

And it'll be, it'll be so much fun for him. I would do it for him. Oh, the story that this road tells. I would fuck the rub-rub guy. Of course. Dude, that guy's going to open your mind up. You'd be like, I've never even felt that in my balls before. And he'd be like, I know, I'm a fucking,

I'm the master of this shit. I'm the rub-rub guy. I'm the rub-rub guy. All right, let's take a poll. Who here is going to go for the rub-rub guy? Yes, 100%. Okay, okay. What about the trans-Canada highway?

Thank you. What? Give me my reward. Thank you. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Where is that from? Give me my reward.

Give me my reward? Where does she from? That's a porn clip. The cum, the cum sprinkle. The cum dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a whole one. This is really gross, guys.

Yeah. I want to see all the cum on my face. I can lick the cum. Oh, yeah. Make sure it's a lot. I want a lot of cum. Okay. It's so stupid.

It's very dumb. All right. Yeah. I need some more. Ooh. It's pretty long, too. Yeah, it's a day. Thank you.

There you go. All right, ready? Is there anything else? I want to do a would you rather. Oh, okay. Would you rather? Let me see what I have. You have to pee so bad.

Open your mouth. You guys will have to pee. We all have to pee. Drink the top layer. And' And' Almost jarred. Take in the face.

Grand mother walks in on masturbating. Never have another orgasm. It's time to play. This time to do this. This time to play, This time to play, Would you rather? Don't grab.

All right. All right. All right. All right. I'll say this before we get started with Would You Rather's. You have a gift for these. You really do.

Thank you. You've come up with some of the best ones ever. Thank you. It's suffering. And they come out of you like that. It's amazing. Thank you. It's because I understand suffering.

No, I feel like I, I feel like I like what is misery. You're the Would You Rather champ for sure. Thank you. No, thank you guys, please. Let's go. Okay. Okay, Would You Rather?

I like, Would You Rather wear a fart helmet? What's a fart helmet? It's my own design. So a fart helmet is, it's a tube that's hooked up to your butthole. And then it's connected to like a space helmet, like what you wear.

Like a mask. Yeah. So a fart mask. Oh, they did? Okay. So, but every fart is in your face and you're smelling it all day. So you're smelling your own farts all day?

All day. But okay. Or you pee in a mason jar, but you carry it with you everywhere and you're like... And you have to... You have to talk about it. You have to talk about it. Like, my mason jar.

So like, you meet people, you're like, this is my urine. I believe in keeping all of it. I can get you a jar if you would like and introduce you to the lifestyle. Right. Or just smell your own fart with a mask on. Right.

Do you realize that like as crazy as you look to people when you're like, this is my urine. If you walk into the bank with your fart mask on, it's just they're pressing the button under the desk immediately, right? Right. Well, that's what I'm saying is that

either scenario is a life-ruiner. No, they definitely ruin your life. Yeah, that's... How do you come up with these? I just think about what would be the most horrible shit in the world. Like a fart helmet. It's gonna...

It's a mask. Right. It's hard to perform. It's hard to perform. Your stand-up career is over. Like, you can't call the club. Make sure you have the mic inside my mask. So, I don't miss any farts while I'm up there.

No. They won't hook you up with that. Yeah. But you could put your urine mason jar down. Right. Well, then that disqualifies you from a lot. Like, imagine having to do Conan, and then you're like...

And he's like, what's that, Tom? Yeah. And then I tell him and he's like, we'll be right back. It's like... Well, interesting. You should ask. Yeah.

I put it on his desk. I put it on his mason jar. Yeah. Like, life is ruined. It's pretty awful. But I still think you have some chance, you know, like, some people would not notice your mason jar. Some people would be like, okay.

And kind of, you know what I mean? Kind of move on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you have to go mason jar. A fart mask is 100%. You should have tinfoil on your head, too. Like, you can't... It's a fart helmet, but I call it a fart helmet.

But you say helmet, but you're describing a mask. Right, right. It's over. Your face is concealed. And then when people are like, are you scared of the apocalypse? You're like, no, I have a fart tube going from my ass to my mouth. And they're like, I'll see you later. And then he's walked away.

Yeah. So 100% mason jar. Yeah, I'll take the mason jar, too. Exactly. Exactly. You have a story and then they're like, can I have something? You have to come clean. The essence of it is you have to tell people.

Like, I've decided to do this thing. I collect my urine. So that's the craziness. And then I go, have you ever read a urine enema? And then they're like... You have to preach the gospel of your mason jar. Sir, the exits are over there, if you don't mind. Yeah.

All right. What do you got? I'm going to take the mason jar, too. Mason jar. Yeah, okay. Clap for... Mason jar. Who wants a mason jar?

Yeah. Yeah. And the fart helmet. Wow, there's some nasty ass girls in the crowd. How could... You what? You like your own brand, but your job is over. There's no way your boss is like, it's cool.

You work from home? Do you have... Are you in a relationship? You're married? You're... Are you single? What? Yeah, that could be your career if you're like, I wear my fart mask.

That's true. You could incorporate this into your website, and now you're making even more money. You just said that so sincerely. Yeah, I know, I know. Well, now I'm thinking like, she's thinking you're working from home. Now you've got farthelmetmistress.com. It's fucking brilliant, dude. It becomes a lifestyle.

It's a brand. Okay. Your own brand. Yeah. All right. Next, moving along. Here's my second one. Okay?

Don't take your ass today. Yeah. Okay, go ahead. Don't take. Don't take. Okay. Would you rather... Don't take.

Don't take. Don't take. Don't take. Don't take. Don't take. Don't take. Don't take. Don't take.

Would you rather... Would you rather be vegan, but you're one of those vegans that you have to fucking talk about it 24-7. That's what they do, yes. Vegan. So just right, yeah. I want it to be respectful. I'm sure there's a few that are not proselytizers, but you're the annoying kind, okay? Right.

And you're constantly proselytizing. Every time someone is with you, like, I hope those shoes are leather. And... Feek and vagina. Right. And you talk about your smoothies all the time. And you're like, bees are suffering when you eat honey. And you're like, yeah.

Yeah, and you're one of those annoying people who doesn't eat anything on the menu. So when we go out, you're always like, is there dairy in that? Is that lactose-free? Is that gluten-free? Is that... So like, all you can eat is like five things. Okay. So you sound like you're a real fucking fun guy to be around.

Yeah, you're horrible. Okay. You have to listen to me whistle constantly. 100% cutting meat out of my life. 100%. I fucking hate listening to people whistle. Whistle for them. Whistle for them.

Whistle. That's fucking terrible. That's fucking terrible. That's terrible. No. No, I'm already... Listen, no, I'm not having any dairy tomorrow. I'm not...

No. No, that was terrible. I don't... That was terrible. That was terrible. I know. So... I...

Okay, I have one more. That would be rough though. I mean, what you're proposing is really difficult actually. That's terrible. I would either annoy the shit out of you, or you annoy the shit out of everybody. That's a scenario. Yeah.

And I would miss that food for sure. That's what's fucked up. But... Yeah. But hearing you whistle sounds worse. I hate whistling. Yeah. It's the thing is, it's not that her whistle is bad.

It's that it would be constant. It would be a... Yeah, but even when I hear the world-class whistlers, I'm still like, Will you knock that shit off, please? Yeah, it's horrible. I hate when people do it indoors, you know, like, waiting in line at the bank,

and the guy's like... And you're like, Are you fucking serious right now? He's asserting dominance. That's what they're doing. Yes. Territory. That is a psychological reason, you know?

100% They're asserting... This is my territory. There has to fucking listen to me whistle. Dish... Fucking... I hate them. I think you would rather fucking go vegan

than listen to yourself whistling. And I would be a real... Oh, yeah. And I'd be a real asshole. Who would rather listen to Christina whistle all day, every day? Whistle. And who would rather go vegan than listen to her whistle?

It's kinda close. It's kinda close. Prositizing vegan. I'd be real annoying. Okay. Okay, I've gotten one last one, okay? This is more gross. Would you rather never floss?

You're done flossing. Some of you pigs aren't doing it already, okay? Yeah. Or when you dump, you're only allowed to wipe once. Ooh. The controversy. Listen. Wow.

Wow. Heated debate in here. Let the conversation begin. This feels like a period piece. Yeah. They're like, we're gonna allow women in the workforce. Yeah. And everybody's like, what's going on?

That was such a sincere reaction. I know. They were like, whoa, lady. Whoa. I'm gonna take a big stinky shit. After I go, I don't use toilet paper. I flush the toilet. I dip my hand.

I get in here. I dip three. I dip three roughly and then flush again and dip. One, two, three, four, five, six. He's nasty as hell. One wipe. All right. Dude, you'd be...

Yeah. These are great questions. Okay. Yes. Order, order. Here, here. Yana, I submit to the court that in this particular scenario, we are dealing with bidet-less toilets.

Order, order. Order. God damn it, order. This is absolutely brilliant, would you rather? And you will entertain these thoughts. This triple D slut wife has a point. Now here's the thing. The reason I choose a bidet-less toilet

is this is the ever man scenario. Hold on, hold on, hold on. What you proposed is so absurd that I actually forgot what the other option is. What in the hell was the other option? Okay, the other... No flossing. No flossing.

Man, there's no... You are 5150 if you choose one wipe over not flossing again. Are you out of your goddamn mind? I changed my mind. Now here, hold on. I'm going to revise it in the moment because I feel there's a better option than the flossing. Would you rather have one wipe?

Yes. Or not wash your hands for a year. And that's a better would you rather. You could do that. You could do that. It's not far the rules. Again, you would be, hey, there's that fucking psycho that wears gloves everywhere.

But it's better than being like, hey, here's that guy that smells like fucking piles of shit because he listens to a podcast. Now, Yana, Yana, a way around such a conundrum of the one wipe is to take a shower every time you make a bowel movement. That's the way around. That's the workaround, if you will. Appeal denied.

That is not acceptable. That is not acceptable. So, well, no, no, no, this is not, so now listen, if you do the one wipe, okay, this is, you can wash your hands as much as you like. Now that's the caveat. So you can, one meaningful wipe goes a long way. Hey, there are some shits I take that only require one wipe.

Get the fuck out of here. Clean. Oh, man. What are you thinking, Tom? I mean, if you don't wash your hands for a year, you're fucked in a lot of ways. I mean, you really are. Think about all the times you take it for granted.

That is correct. Oh, that's not crazy. I'm taking a shower. Like that. Women and men of the journey. I'm just taking a shower. This, you're right. This gentleman, you bring up a valid point.

What's the point? What do you do to one? Okay, you may put plastic baggies over your hands. In the shower, okay? To wash, like you ever have a cast on your arm and you have to cover it. You can do that. What, sweetie?

I can't hear you. There's, there's, there's, that's what the Supreme Court would hear. What is it? How are you going to wash your asshole if you can't get your hands? No, no, easily. Okay. I cover them in plastic.

I cover them in plastic baggies. They're airtight. It's so serious. You have a washcloth, which I'm opposed to using in regular life, but because of this thing, I have to. And I washcloth my asshole. Easy peasy, dude.

Yeah. Fucking loofah that shit, dude. No plastic bags. No, no. No, no. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Oh, there you go.

You're suggesting... What a fucking would you rather? I mean... This is Charlottesville all over again. This is crazy. Fuck you! Very divisive issue. Very divisive.

What are you using? Hand washing? Racist. Hand washing or one wipe dump? Go for it, Tom. What's your answer? Final answer. We need it.

I think... OneWipeDump.com? OneWipe.com, yeah. I think I would definitely... I would be the gnarly hands, dude. I would just walk around with unwashed hands. I cannot be one wipe guy. You've got to be kidding me.

There would be times... There would be times when you're like, I just can't jump in the shower. And you could not... I could not go through life like... Why are you shrugging? Like, whatever. Because there are many...

One wipe, but you can shower after. So that's why I'm saying... No. What's that? What about the Shelf Demolition? Shelf Demolition? What? What happens to Demolition?

He scoops with that? Alright, this is getting out of control. I haven't seen it in years. Alright. Look. Look at all the fucking... Alright, let's fucking take a vote. Yeah, let's take a vote.

Okay, who votes for the no hand washing for a one year? Go ahead, clap. Who votes for one wipe dumps? Do you hear it? That sounded like... That sounded like more women did the one wipe dump. I think because our shits are not as gnarly.

No, but look, it's so fun that you guys came out tonight. And we love... I tell people this all the time, we love doing the podcast. It's our favorite thing that we do. So thank you very much for coming out. Thank you guys.

Oh, we're gonna be out there. Tell them we're gonna go meet. Oh, yeah. We're gonna be out there. Anybody that wants to meet, anybody wants a picture. We're gonna say hi to you guys, yeah. I brought...

And if you want a shirt or whatever, we got that. If not, we're fucking whatever. We'll be out there. But I need to take a whiz, so give me a second. Alright. We'll see you.

Thank you guys for coming out tonight. We'll see you guys out there. Appreciate it. You know, that feeling when you have to go, you have to kind of squeeze your cheeks together. You have to stretch your legs out. How you feeling? You wanna get your dick off real quick?

Dick, dick off real quick? Dick off real quick? You know, it was really messy. Really messy. Really messy. You ever, you ever bustin' one of those? Bustin' one of those? Bustin' one of those?

You could go and get different guys to jizz through your mouth. Jizz in your mouth. Jizz in your mouth. Jizz in your mouth. Jizz in your mouth. Jizz, jizz, jizz, jizz, jizz. I gotta get...