Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 420-Lambo Prank-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 1, 2017

Yo! Tommy got a Lambo wit the brains blown out! Naw, he didn't. But he made Bert and Ari think he did and that was worth every penny. We give you the full scoop on that PLUS we find a good potential roommate for you. All you need is a strong sex drive and, well, we should just let him explain. Seems like a nice guy.  We also have the KING farting on his dog. Is this okay? And Steven Seagal isn't just the worst actor he MIGHT be an equally bad person. Lets explore! MACHINES WITHIN!!

This instrumental is called The Architect, produced by Chris Prithin. I like it. Really good. Where are you going to be, Gene? Well, 11.18 of 2017, I will be in Pustin for one night only at the Come and Take It comedy festival. Whoa. Right?

I thought that was a joke name. No, I know. Come and take it. Come and get it. I think it's meant to be funny, I guess. Sickle Cell's going to be there? He's going to be there, yes. And a lot of other very funny people.

And then, 2018, guys, buckle up. On January 12th, I will be doing the Ice House in Pasadena, February 2nd, and 3rd, in Short Lake Titty, Poo-Tah, at Wise Guys, Salt Lake City, Utah, Wise Guys. And then March 30th and 31st, I am going to Portland, Oregon, Portland, Oregon, at Hereum Comedy Club. Tickets are at Christina P. Online. Get your tickets now. Thank you.

Fantastic. I'm going to be in Albuquerque, San Antonio, sold out, Austin, sold out this weekend. I think the only one you can get tickets to is Albuquerque at a few tickets left. It might be gone by the time this is listening, listenable in your ears. So yeah, very excited to be coming on this run. And then it's off to Jewdork Titties. I'm going to be in Portchester at the Capitol Theater, Town Hall in Jewdork City, and then the UB Center for the Arts in Barfalo, New York, also known as Buffalo.

Now, let's finish out the month at the Fox Performing Arts Center in Riverside, California. And then Saturday, November 25th, big show at the Wiltern here in Los Angeles, my first ever big play in LA. So excited for that one. Then I go to Fartnix, Arizona, few shows there, stand up live, and then Hawaii, the Maui Arts and Cultural Center in Maui, and the Hawaii Theater in Honolulu on December 16th. Go to TomSegura.com slash tour for your tickets. You know what I'm saying?

There it is. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? Gene, really big episode today, a lot to get into. I'm just overwhelmed with excitement that it's about to go down. You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying?

You feel me? You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. All right. Let's get into this right here. It's the Lambo episode. It's going to be a good one, guys. Let's get into it.

Black guys love to fuck and fuck good. If you're a hot black guy, you want to fuck me at 23.95. If you want to move in, you can move in, but you got to fuck me. I need to be fucked a lot, man. Get free food, free rent, and everything else, man. It's a deal, man. This shit is big time. Who is Randy?

Don't bring anyone loving to this. Yo, momma in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura, Tom Segura, and Christina Pajitse. Christina Pajitse. Welcome to your mom's house. Christina Pajitse. Welcome to your mom's house.

Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house. Oh, man. Good stuff, right? Yeah. Men are the absolute piggiest of the pigs. It's really crazy. The world is full of this.

The guy's only criterion is that the guy be black. Not even like... Randy, get a lease on the cake. Fuck me. Yeah. There you go. You can be a psycho. Yeah.

You can have all kinds of diseases. He's like, I don't care. Just as long as you got to fuck me. Yeah. You got to be black. And you got to be willing to fuck me. I mean, you think there would be more of a filter on... Fuck me in my ass, man.

Yeah. That's it. Black guys love to fuck and fuck good. Yeah. If you're a hot black guy, you want to fuck me at 23.95. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. If you got to fuck me, I need to be fucked a lot, man.

Get free food, free rent and everything else, man. You have a deal, man. Does part of it, though, does part of it as a woman make you realize just how much the men's sexual drive can just hold them hostage in some ways? Yeah. Yeah. This is just... Like, I see this as a guy.

I'm like, I know where he's at right now. Yeah. I know where he's at right now. I don't fathom it. Like, I don't... I personally... And I'm sure there are women out there. In some place, he shouldn't have posted this, you know?

He shouldn't have posted. He should have just pushed through. Yeah, just released the demons. Just masturbated him. Yeah, get through it, man. I just don't... I don't know. I've never been here as a woman, like, this desperate for that, you know?

Yeah. Most of the time, I don't think we see a lot of women with these types of videos. Men from jail, homeless, or a thug want to come move in. Your friend can move with you, too, man. Your friend can move with you, too. Your friend can move with you, too. They rent you a lease and a key. Fuck me.

Piss off. You see me when I come over today and try it out? Try it out, man. Just try it out. Jesus. And he gave out his address. Yeah. He's like, come find me.

He said, homeless. Jesus, homeless. Homeless guys. Fuck with my ass, man. But as long as you're black and homeless and out of prison, you can bring your friend. Your friend can watch. What is wrong? Your friend, if you want to try it out today.

All right. It's like a free trial. What's the promo code? Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Don't even try it out. You want to fuck a piss on me?

Try it out. Jesus. You have to fight only this fuck, man. I'm looking for hardcore guys. I mean it. I want to do it. And I want to deliver it. I'm a hot fuck.

I trash. Come dump. Let's fuck. Wow. Where is he? Where is he in his mind? Like, where is that? I mean, Blue Band cut out the address.

He was very thoughtful. Pretty dark. No, no. I mean, I mean. Men from jail, homeless. You're a thug. Fuck with my ass, man. That's really crazy.

I mean, emotionally, where is this guy? Oh, yeah. He's worse off than I thought. And actually, I think that this is dipping into drugs territory. I don't think he's just backed up. I think he's, I think he's fueled by. Some 16 Benadryl. Yes.

He might be, he might be on the Benadryl. Take 10, 20 Benadryl. Jesus Christ. Okay. You want to get horny? God. Smoke weed. Yeah, maybe, maybe this guy took too many Benadryl and there's no one, no one to help

him. If you want to move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck me. How much is that? By the way, there's a lot of people that think it would take this guy off. No, I think it's a good deal, actually. That's a great deal. If you are homeless and black, it's a really good deal. If you meet those two criteria, that's, yeah.

That's all he's asking. He didn't even say like big dick. He said out of jail. His standards are incredibly low, but he didn't even say, you know, drug free, disease free, big dick. Ready to fuck black. But here's the thing. You can't just be black.

You also got to be down to fuck this guy. A lot. A lot. What is a lot? Do you think? See, that's the thing. That's a subjective term, but I think he means it. I don't think a lot.

He means it. Yeah. Some people are like a lot. You know, today, tomorrow, I was like, no, no, no. I think this guy means like breakfast, lunch and dinner. Full time. You want this food? Damn.

I also think he'd get tired of you though. I think he's, you know, He's the kind of guy that needs a new piece. I think so. What do you think his apartment's like? Probably super nice, huh? Why do you think it's so nice? I mean, he seems like he takes care of himself and he's like,

Takes care of that mustache. That's what I'm saying. Like he likes his look to be fresh food or something on the outside of his mouth. You know? I'm looking for hardcore guys. That mustache is insane too. God, piss on me. Beat me?

Yeah. He's definitely a different place than I thought he was in. I mean, I understood, you know, I mean, I understand that that exists too, but I thought he was just like, I'm fucking fired up. Yeah. He's just like, take out all rage on me if you want. This is my building. Try it out.

Jesus. Man. He wants to be abused. This guy. Try it all out. Try it out. This is my building. Try it out.

I'm gonna fuck a piss on me. Try it out. I'm gonna look at the hardcore guys and mean it and want to do it, and I want to deliver it. I'm a hot fuck bite trash. Come to us. Let's fuck. Where is he posting this?

I don't know. Is this a Craigslist video ad? Those eyes. All the eyes are terrifying. Yeah, man. I feel as though too, you know, if you're putting an offer like that out into the world, you might want to record yourself in a more flattering light. Yeah.

Maybe turn the light on. Maybe sit up. He's laying back. Camera over him. Yeah. Like maybe make yourself look more attractive. Yeah. Like some people know how to look attractive on camera.

Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like. Lighting. Oh, yes. Oh, no. Oh, no. Not the dog.

Not the dog. Sniff that one. Can you ask for a picture? No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. King-ass ripper farting on his dog. Now that's the thing. This is either animal abuse or the dog loves it. That's the thing. Yeah. That's what I wanted to discuss.

We don't know. We don't know. First of all, the dog doesn't know that his dad owner is a celebrity. Huge star. Huge star. Big talent. I will say that he kept a healthy distance. He respected the boundaries.

He didn't smother him, too. He wasn't sitting on him. Right, it wasn't abusive. And he gave him a nice pet at the end. But that's the king right there. Yeah. See, this falls into nasty or not. It's exactly right.

Yeah. Do you think it's nasty or not? Well, I mean, it depends on the dog because we've got two dogs. Yeah. One dog loves the farts. Yeah. One dog doesn't. Does not.

One dog you fart in his area and he gets up and he walks away. People hate farts. Yeah. Bitsy is the best. Bitsy. What's that? Yeah. They're going to make another song.

One dog's heaven is another dog's hell. Yeah. Now, if you're King Asperger's dog, you got to find this to be heaven because he farts 24-7. True. And there's a guy that can fart. Yeah. It's pretty exciting.

And the dog doesn't seem bothered by the farts. So I'm going to go with not nasty. Yeah. This ain't that nasty. I don't think it's too nasty. Now, is this an old video because he looks thinner here? I'm thinking this might be before he got really large. Yeah.

He really blew up recently. Yeah. What else? It says there's something else here. Let's see. Oh, shit. Oh, there's this dog. That dog moved away.

Yeah. Oh, it's dead. The dog didn't move, but he did turn his head slightly away. What's nastier when King Asperger farts on his food and then eats it or when he farts on it near this dog? It's the food. The food is really gross. It's nasty.

This is only nasty if you think farts are nasty, but he's not like, I don't think he's abusing the dog. I mean, the dog's comfortable. The dog just moved its head. Yeah. He didn't like, you know, run, like sit on it. He's farting in his area. I think it's fine.

This makes me laugh. This incorporates two of my favorite things, doggies and King Asperger. Yeah. This is like the most perfect video ever made. Yes. I am. Yeah. That's like what our dog does.

Yeah. That's what Fief does. He gets that way. See, I was going to say that if the dog doesn't like it, he will get up and leave. And the dog left. Right. And this would have a different feeling if he was like holding the dog there. That's different.

Yeah. Yeah. He's just farting near the dog. And the dog made a choice to leave when it was okay. I'm okay with it. And King Asperger didn't insist that the dog stay for the fart. So it wasn't abusive. There's the dog again.

That means a few feet above its head. Yeah. I'm dying. But you know that the animal activists are just all lit up right now. Oh, I know. About him. Probably get some emails. How dare you fart in that dog's face.

We're going to skip all over them just so you know. How dare you fart on a dog's head. Yeah. You farted on both of our dog's heads several times. Yeah. And the dog's heads too in bed. They lay right there. What can you do?

Where is this by the way? Why is farting on a dog's head so funny to me? I don't know. That's one of my life's joys. You know how I was talking about the difference between relief and joy. I would say farting on a dog's head qualifies as joy. That's one of the few things that really lifts me up out of the doldrums. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Farting. Just farting is just great in general. This video is so funny. I want to talk about the Lambo prank. Oh my God. This was so fun. Actually, the video is gone so they must have taken it down.

What? Well, just one of these things. I'll explain. For people that don't know, I mean most of you know that our fans of our show that we've been doing sober October. Talk to a Bert with a hard tea. The hard tea. It included being sober for the month, not drinking, not taking drugs, not smoking weed.

And for you, that's really not a challenge. Not that big of a challenge. Not a big deal. And also 15 90 minute hot yoga classes. Have you farted in any of those classes? No, but the closest I came was today by far. So today I finished number 15. Congratulations.

You're done with sober October. How do you feel? We're recording this on the 26th. So I still have a few days to spare. I feel like it's, you know, I'm glad to be done. It was an interesting test in discipline, which I'm a fan of. I like challenges. I like being challenged and things.

I responded well to the weight loss challenge. I like being challenged here. It's fun. It's fun to, I think it's healthy for people in general to hear something like, Hey, like just to test your discipline every once in a while. In other words, 24 seven all the time. No, I mean, it's not for me. But I think if you have, um, the opportunity to just test yourself, I think you learn things

about yourself and you learn. One of the things you learn is that you're capable probably of more than you think, you know? Yeah. Um, which is a, it's a good thing to, to, to learn about yourself. Can I tell you? Cause I was today, I would thought about you saying that cause you said that to me earlier in the week and I was thinking about it.

And I was like, I feel like everyday life is, is that challenge for me? Like I, I'm, I'm so anxious. And so, um, I'm just, every day is a battle to just, to just be normal. Does that, I, you know what I mean? I feel like every day is an exercise in discipline. Is that normal? Is that how? No.

No. No. Maybe that's why I don't like challenges. Maybe. I don't know. I mean, I think what I mean though, I know what you're, how you're saying it. I know exactly what you mean. But what I'm talking about is more in terms of somebody, like when it's like, hey, this

is hard. I don't want to do that thing. You know, like going to run, let's say, if you're a runner, you're a runner, but let's say you're not. And somebody says, can you go run a mile? And you're like, ah, I hate doing that. But I mean, like I'm physically capable of doing it. I just hate doing it.

Right. And it's like, get up and do that five times this week. Oh, fuck. I don't want to do that. There are reasons that it sucks. But then you go, I'm going to do that thing. I know the thing that I'm capable of doing, but it's difficult to do and I'm going to do it the whole time, whatever the plan is, that kind of stick stick into it.

Yeah. That kind of challenge. That's true. Exercise and discipline. Yeah. It can be something. It doesn't have to be physical. It could be like writing.

If you're like, sit down at a computer or write an hour a day or whatever. Sure. If you're like, I don't want to do that. Yeah. I know you don't want to do it. But can you do it? That challenge of, let's say if it was right and you'd be, oh, wow, this was greatly beneficial. Right.

Because you force yourself to do something and then the rewards from that are pretty good. Well, I guess you could say Pilates and dieting for me was my discipline thing. Absolutely. That actually really turned my life around mentally. Because then you go, oh, I can do this. I'm not some schmuck that's just a slave to their whims. Yeah. Yeah.

I have no, yeah. I guess so. I guess self-discipline. That's a good thing. Well, this is, so we've been doing this challenge and we poke fun at each other, especially Ari, Bert and I, we used to do little jabs at each other when we make videos. You mean, Ari? Yeah.

Ari Schaefer, Burnt Crystals and myself. And we take little jabs at each other and it's just, you know, we just have fun. Burnt Crystals. Yeah. Because it's the three of us and Joe, but, you know, we, we have fun doing these videos and we'll put Instagram posts up and we'll just say, like, I finished a class. So the other day, Schaefer and Bert went to a class together and as they left, they had the yoga instructor talk and they were like, they're like making fun of me and Joe.

I forget what that, but one of the things they said, they're like, oh, you're seeing Tom and then the guy was like, oh, that little short guy, because that's one of like Ari's jokes is that I'm short. And then he's like in the blue Porsche and then, and they're like, yeah. He's like, yeah. And then I saw a Bert and, and they're like, so ridiculous, like such ridiculous car. And like, he's so cheesy, you know, driving his blue car and I, and I saw that and I was like, first of all, it's not ridiculous.

And I go, if you want to see ridiculous and you want to see cheesy, we can step this thing up to a whole other level, you know? And I think like there's huge, many layers to the car thing for me and particularly this car in particular that I decided to rent and take to this. Yeah. First of all, I'm a car nut. Like I'm a fanatic. I love cars.

You have so many magazines, you look at the pictures, you talk about them, hasn't changed since I was a kid. Like I used to play with little toy cars, you know, read every car magazine and I still buy them all the time. I've always, I've gone to car shows. I love it. I just love cars. When you love cars, they're, they usually fall into different categories for you.

You're like, you know, that shit sucks. I wish I could get those. Like these are the cars I love. And then there's a category of car that you're like, I get that someone's into that, but it does nothing for me. It's an absurd thing. It just, it doesn't, there's no, it's like, if you want to relate it to like human beings, like someone saying, isn't that person attractive?

And you're like, doesn't do anything for me. Right. Just, I understand that you might think that person's attractive. Right. Like you, you don't want to fuck that guy for free room and board, but there's a homeless guy out there that wants to, that wants to fuck that guy and piss in and beat on him. Just try it. There's something for everybody.

There's something for everyone. For me, Lamborghinis fall into that category. They just do nothing for me. I see them as comical, ridiculous cars. I see a Lamborghini the same way I see somebody with a pet tiger or like a mink coat or like, if somebody said like, Hey, you like shoes and I'd be like, yeah, I like shoes. They're like, I got a shoes made of diamonds. Do you want to wear them?

It's preposterous. No, I don't want to wear it. That's, that's a ridiculous. It doesn't do. It does nothing because it's so outrageous. It's outrageous. A Lamborghini. Cause we've been joking about that.

That's the thing. This is a 15 year joke. It's longer than that. This is a joke where even, or maybe not 15, but like, yeah, you're right. 10 to 12 years old. Like it's always been just like a punchline to us. Lamborghini. Yeah.

Who in their right mind? Like, like you were saying, because it's so, it's so flashy and garish. Yes. It's like the Sultan of Brunei has a Lamborghini. Exactly. People who really want a 10, like a lot of attention or just have so much money, so much money to do to it. They don't know what to do with the money and the Lamborghini, the, the, the efficiency,

there's no efficiency. Number one, there's no cup holders in a Lamborghini. You can't even bring like your cup and put it in there. You can't recline the seats because it's all, and everything's made of suede and leather. So you can't even spill or put a crumb in it. Yeah. It's such an absurd, absurd. It's an absurd.

And the ones with the, the doors that go up, like the wings. So what, you're going to take your Lamborghini to the grocery store? Where are you going to park it? One of my favorite. It's crazy. We've told this before, but it's been years. Favorite things we ever did. Like as an ongoing joke of the Lamborghini, Lamborghini, so ridiculous, ridiculous is

a member years ago. We were living in the Rampart division. Uh huh. Yeah. We did not have a lot of money. No. I mean, like, you know, we were trying to make rent. And I called my dad and I go, hey, um, we're going to, I'm going to lease a Lamborghini.

And he goes, what? And I go, I'm going to lease a Lamborghini. I said, you know, it's in LA. It's very important that you are perceived a certain way. And so I'm going to, you know, I figured out like we were to save some money. And I told him this whole thing when it was like. Cause you go dad, you know, when you pull up to like the club, the comedy store, Laugh Factory, you got to look like you're a big deal.

Yeah. You can't just pull up in like a Honda. No, you have to have a Lamborghini. People need to think that you're really successful. Yeah. And he was like, okay. He goes, I understand that. And I said, so, you know, like we're really going to have to put some money together,

but I'm going to lease this thing and it's, you know, it's going to be like, you used to tell him the math. Yeah. I broke it down. We're putting like 30,000 down, which is like what we could get together and borrowing money from people. All our savings. And I can only drive at a hundred, a hundred miles a month, something like that, like something

so stupid. And he's like, well, you know, you know, I support you. It was so sweet. He was so sweet and support like, he wasn't like, that's the stupidest fucking thing ever. Yeah. He was like, okay. Like, I get it. I get it.

Like you, yeah. You got to look like you belong. And I was like, yeah, he's like, you're in show business. Yeah. Yeah. I look like you're successful. Yeah. So that one, like that did not get the reaction.

But I, you know, when I told him, I was like, no, I even told him one time I was like, I'm going to grow my hair out. I'm going to start combing it back and I, and I'm going to grease it back and I'm, I'm getting an earring, but like it'll grow up and he was like, yeah, you got to stand out look different. Like he totally said, that's how supportive he is. He's so wonderful. Well, because in LA, by the way, the only time I've ever seen a Lamborghini is parked

in front of like the Beverly Hills hotel. Like some, some weirdo foreigner has rented one. That philosophy that we're talking about of like the standing out, there are so many people in the city who believe that. Yeah. That they do go like, I'm going to grow the hair out and wear the weird thing, the leather sleeveless mess because I want to look like I'm different and everyone's like, no, you're different.

You sure are. Cause it is a certain type of personality that wants that Lamborghini level attention. Yeah. I'm the guy that parks in front of the hotel so that everybody sees the car. It felt crazy. It felt horrible. Right. I didn't like it.

Let me tell you the full, the full details of this. So I fucking go down there. I go to this place to rent it. I look online again. We always talk about this, by the way, the first place that I emailed and called and everyone got back to me about rent, it was like one of the top rated exotic rental places. I'm always, I'm always just blown away by the place that doesn't reply to the person who's like, here's my email, my phone number, here's everything.

I want to rent a Lamborghini tomorrow. How can I give you money and they don't want money and they're like advertising that that's what they do. It's crazy. So this place actually replies, you know, they tell me, here's our cars. We have, it's called 777 exotics.com and they're very, you know, very nice. So I go down there and then the plan is what I'm going to do is go to hot yoga and I have these water bottles that somebody gave to us.

So the plan is I'll rent this, I'll get the Lamborghini, I'll park it and then when I give them their water bottles, they'll see this. You'll lure them out to the car with the water balls because that was the thing I was going to ask you is, well, how are you going to get the guys out to the parking lot after the class and everyone can see the stupid car. Exactly. And the truth is like, I really just wanted. The truth is that I would have just done this just for Burt.

Like that was, that he was the mark, you know, like Joe and Ari are like collateral damage. Like it's a Burt prank. So I get down there and I'm like, which one should I get? And they're like, how about this orange Lamborghini hood and I go, it's perfect. It's crazy. This is perfect. It's so ridiculous. I, I leave the engine does this kind of funky thing when I'm a few miles away.

Wait, so you, you're in the orange Lamborghini. I'm in the orange one. I could not feel like a bigger dick, by the way. Everyone's looking at me. So horrible. And you know, like I actually lay low, like I'm not like, check me out now. So everyone's staring people at stop lights, you know, feel like, like I saw, I pulled out of a driveway and I saw a lady go like her, her mouth dropped and she was like, but

it looked horrified. Yeah. And I rolled down the window. I go, don't get one stupid. And she was like, Oh, like she caught herself. Yeah. You're like, that would be the person where when I'm with LJ. Yeah.

I go, sweetie, that's a douche bag. Yeah. Yeah. Can you say douche bag? Oh my God. Yeah. That's a douche bag. So anyways, the engine did this crazy thing on its own and it's like a spaceship in there.

I mean, everything, they have to tell you like, here's how you park. Here's, here's how you, you know, turn this, here's how the turn signal works. None of it's intuitive. Can I ask you, so did you put your insurance policy on it or do you have to take out an additional thing? No. Because it's such an expensive car. I used my own.

It was a risk, but like I could have bought theirs. I didn't, I used my own, but yeah, it was a calculated risk. I was like, I'm not going to take this a lot of places. I think, I think I'll be all right. Yeah. Home and then yeah. Hot yoga back. It's still a risk, but I mean, you know, it's a gamble, but so anyways, the engine does

some crazy thing that I'm like, what is it doing right now? It was like on its own revving. So I just, I was like a couple of miles away and I called them and they were like, well, let us check it out. How about just stay where you are and I'll bring you the convertible, the white convertible. And I go, okay, great. I mean, and for a second I was disappointed. I was like, oh, no, I don't have the orange absurd car.

But what I realized as they pulled up and I got in the white one was that the white one was more believable as that I would get because the orange one is too crazy. It's too much of a ha ha on the nose joke. They would be like, you didn't get it. Cause when you told me that you got the white one, I go, oh, that's even better. Now Bert's really going to think that's what I put together after I was, cause I was driving. I was like, this is actually believable. Yeah.

That you, and it was a beautiful, uh, Lamborghini. Yeah. Stunning. Stunning. Like red suede. Yeah. Interior. I mean, it was black accents.

Yeah. I mean, it's nuts. This thing drives unlike anything I've ever been in. And I was to tell you, I'm jumping ahead. When I returned it, the guy goes, uh, do you want to go for a quick ride in the Aventador, which is the, the step up Lamborghini with the doors that slide up, but also has a much crazier engine. And I remember thinking like, how much crazier could this drive than the one that I've had

for a day, the Huracan, the what Huracan, what does that mean? Hurricane. Dush bag. Oh, oh, oh. So it's Italian for shit bag. So I get in the Aventador and I'm like, at first it starts and I'm like, oh, that already feels different. Like the whole car was like, and just so you know, the button to, to start a Lamborghini

is actually like a launch pad button. It's like, you know, when you see in the movies, you lift a lever. Yeah. It's like a switch for the missile. I mean, it's crazy. It's an experience. Here's the thing. That whole, the whole thing is a fun experience.

I totally recommend renting these cars. Yeah. 100%. So anyways, he took me a couple blocks in the Aventador and I was like, this is 10 times crazier than the one I rented. And he was like, I know this one's really fucking nuts and costs a few hundred thousand dollars more. Jeez.

So anyways, dialing it back now. So the, so that night, the night that I get it, I, I ran it, I take it home and I have a show at the comedy store and I go, what I'm going to do is I'm going to take it to the store tonight and just, you know, park like it's normal. No big deal. Yeah. And then go do my spot and then go home. Because a lot of famous comedians, truth, I don't, and most people wouldn't know this,

but a lot of really famous, successful rich comedians do that. So they'll, they'll roll up and in a crazy car and then all the door guys will be like, who's fucking car is that? And then it's the talk of the comedy store comics. Everybody has to know who pulled up in the Ferrari. Now what I was hoping was that none of the guys are at the store that night and this way like, like rumors would start leaking because that would be like a perfect ploy into it.

But what happened was Ari got added to the show I was doing and I saw a tweet, oh, we just added Ari to the show. And I'm like, ooh, then I was debating like it's going to blow the wad of having it at hot yoga. Otherwise, then it's just like a comedy store parking lot thing. Yes. Then I saw, then Bert called. He's like, you're going to store tonight?

And I go, yeah. He goes, I'll see you there. And then I go, I'm not bringing it because I want to save it for hot yoga. Yeah. It's better. It's better in the daytime. And absolutely. And also just the four of us.

And not like the scene of the store. Yeah. You don't have to explain it to all the comics. I go to the store and I wasn't going to say anything to anybody, but as I'm leaving the store, Joe was also there. He walks up to me and he's just whatever just bullshitting and I'm too excited. I just get, you know, I mean, when you're like excited, it's like we're excited about a joke.

Yeah. I got this joke. So I go, all right. Tell you what I'm doing. And he goes, he goes, what? I said, you know, these guys made this video and they were like, oh, that Porsche is so ridiculous. Of course.

He's like, how's that ridiculous? I love Porsche. I know. I go, well, so what I'm going to do is I tell him, I render Lamborghini, he starts laughing. Like really laughing. And I go, I'm just going to play it nonchalant and he goes, oh yeah, I go, you got to help me.

So he goes, a hundred percent. I'll tell him you're doing great. What's the big deal? So he, uh, he, a hundred percent. It's a great car. Tom deserves it. He earns a lot of money. All that stuff.

All that stuff. Why not? What's the big deal? Enjoy life. Like what are you going to do? Save all your money? He's just so incredibly linked. Lined up.

Then the next move is I get, um, you know the next day, I'm just like, I'm. Wait, cause you came home and then you told me that Joe was in great right? Yeah. And now I'm ear to ear because I think it's more powerful if Joe does know because now he and you can kind of gang up on Bert and Ari, and convince them that no, this is a really good idea. This is what successful men do. What's wrong with you?

Like, you're the asshole. Exactly. And by the way, how much are Lamborghini's? So that the, all right, so for people that don't know the one that I was driving, some people online, um, I have to say, uh, guess it was a 2005 or six. It is a 2017 brand, like it's brand new at 3,800 miles on it. So it's, it's, it's out of the straight from the factory, man. That one was 350,000.

Yeah. So crazy. That Aventador, the one that he took me for a ride in after it was 500,000 crazy. 00:34:02,560 --> 00:34:06,840 It's a lot of mill, but this was 350. That's craziness. It's real nuts. It's really fucking nuts.

It's silly. Unless you're a billionaire. It's just silly. It is. It's, it's, it's the silliest, which is the most fun to pretend. Like to me, the amusement in this, like the, the joy in this would be to pretend like what's the big deal. Like, but I mean, like to really sell it.

And that's what I kept imagining is that Bert's going to freak out and I'm just going to go like, what? I make a lot of money or just, or just be like, but what, what, like, what am I going to say for my kids? College tuition. Yeah. They can get scholarships. What's the big deal?

But also like, that's not that much. Yeah. It's not so much. It's 350,000. Big deal. So, oh my God. So of course I'm just, I'm just, I'm like, I'm so antsy to go to class. I want to make sure that I'm early because I didn't want to blow the, um, like the show

of it before class for some reason that was not going to be as fun, right? So I, I shut up like half an hour early and funny enough, as I'm pulling in the hot yoga, my phone rings. I'm like pulling in the parking lot and it's Joe and I answer and he goes, you got a white one? And I go, how do you know? He goes, I'm right behind you. He goes, I just saw Lamborghini and I go, that's gotta be done.

So I go, yeah. He's like, that's fucking crazy. So we park like away from where I normally park. So it wasn't like, you know, normally I park in one section of the parking lot. I parked away from it and I go, so after class, I go, I'll tell you and I got your water bottles from this guy that sent him to us and we walk over here and he's like, all right, cool. So we go to class. Wait.

And that, by the way, is my favorite part of the story of like luring them to the car and being like, I got your water bottles right here in the trunk, which is in the front of this car. And then you're like, Oh, what's the big deal? It's my Lamborghini and I'm getting water bottles out of it. It was such a great moment. So like, I really wanted to sell this hard. So the way to sell it, I thought was to be very notch along.

Oh, yeah. You have to be like, whatever, whatever. This is what I did. What's the big deal? So we finished class. We're walking back and we're just talking about like at the time we had finished, you know, I think Ari and I had finished number 14. Joe and Bert had just finished number 13.

So we're talking this and that and he's like, Oh, what are you doing tomorrow? What are you doing the next day? Blah, blah, blah. So we start walking. Ari and Joe are Ari and Bert had rode together. So they're walking this way and I go, I got your water bottle and he's like, Oh, yeah. It's Ari really wanted that. He goes, Yeah, I want that water bottle.

So I go, Come here. We start walking and you know, you're starting to see there's less cars that could be mine. So it's like we're walking and I hear Birkley, I got a Lamborghini over here and as he says that I reach in my pocket and I press unlock and he goes shut the fuck up. And you know, some people ask like, like, I told my cousin Brian about it. He's like, you got to record. And I was like, if I just pull out my phone immediately, it's too obvious. So it was, I think it was important to try to like dial it back a little bit.

So I go home, I go, you want that water bottle, right? I didn't even address. I open the, I kiss, keep hearing Birkley. Shut the fuck up. Shut up. You got a Lamborghini. You got a Lamborghini. So I open the front hood, which you can put a fucking laptop in, in a Lamborghini and

I pull out the, I go, I thought you wanted your water bottle. I give it to Joe. Joe is of course, he's like, fuck yeah, dude, you're balling totally, 100% supportive. He's like, how you ball, man? Fuck yeah. He's like, wait, go ahead and go Tommy and he was like, sick, this is sick, man. And Ari is like, uh, uh, like not really saying much. He's doing his Ari thing.

Yeah. He's doing his Ari thing. Birk immediately goes, you rented this. And I go, no. And he goes, and he's looking at me like, he's ignoring Joe and Ari talking. He's like, like really eyeballing me because he knows, he's like, did you, are you serious? And I go, yeah. I go, is that crazy?

And he's like, you bought a Lamborghini. I go, yeah, it's a great year. And he's like, he's like, yeah. And then I special. No teeth. No entry. Hello. No way.

Netflix. No way. You rented this. And I go, no. And the thing is, since it's a new car, it has that, uh, the Vin number. The Vin sticker. Yeah. You know, like the registration.

I go, check my registration. And it's still on there. All right. Then Ari goes, check his registration and as he says that, and I go, oh, I think they're actually going to go try to look at the registration, um, Joe like says something else and it distracts them. So they go back to the conversation. Then we start, like the things are, they're like, what the fuck?

And I go, I got a great deal. I go, the owner drove it for like three weeks. So I got like 40 grand off and I paid like 300,000. And they're like, I mean, I go, I thought that was a good deal. It's a good deal. Yeah. And I'm just like totally like not, you know, giving in. I'm like, yeah, it's awesome.

You should see how this works. So I start like, when we turn it on and turn the car on and Bert's like, I just fucking, who are you? Who are you? It was, um, let me see if I can, he made this video. Let's see if this plays on Instagram. How funny. Um, the one thing I like to say about me and my friends is that fame hasn't changed any

of us. You hang out with Joe. He's bo hunting. It's jujitsu. It's fucking marijuana, Ari Shafir backpacking through Asia by himself. He can go backpack right now if you want to. Oh, Tommy. And then some of us buy Lambos with the fucking brains blown out like we're friends with Mace

and puff daddy. Holy fucking shit. So funny. You guys are idiots, such idiots. But I could see, you know, I could see Bert's still like, we would have a moment like that, like for a video and then people kind of, you know, you start to regroup like, oh, and he would just look over. I see him being like, what the fuck?

He's in his, in his mind. He's doing the math. I could see the math. He's like, how many tickets is Tommy selling? And he was. The podcast, how much, how much could their broadcast be making? Even when we said like, when we said, buy to each other. Yeah, we all got in our, I got my car and I started to back up.

I turned and he's just looking. He was like, he just shook his head. He was like, Jesus. Can you? This is crazy. I remember. And could you imagine him going home to Leanne and being like, oh, I could push. She's got to be so mad.

Oh my God. Yes. I mean, they got a small baby. Oh my God. And I started to think about too, how much fun it would be if, uh, like the whole fun was the idea of him spiraling to the point of buying something. Like the dream would, would be that he was like, Tom got Lamborghini. I got to get a Corvette or something and then have him show up, like pulling

out of the store, like, like, check out what I got. And I'm like, oh, I just had, I just rented that thing. And you're like, wait, what? Well, because also last night when, when you got home, um, I was like, well, wouldn't it be great if we're thinking of ways to fuck with Bert further? If you and Joe could kind of team up and be like, you know, they're not that bad to get into, like you can get into one for like, I texted him. Last night I texted him, I go, oh my God, this is so fun.

Like you can, it's not that unreasonable. Bert, you're making a lot of money this year. Yeah, I texted him last night. I go, want me to put you in touch with my guy? He can get you into one for under 200,000. And he didn't, yeah, I started to get so many texts. Your, uh, our agent, yeah, we share was like, oh, that was fun. Well, so no, our agent, uh, called me up about, you know, doing some dates.

And I go, his name is Andrew. I go, Andrew, have you seen my husband's social media? He goes, no, I go, my husband got a fucking Lamborghini and I am furious. I'm furious. You need to call him right now and convince him to return it because I'm beside myself with anger. And he goes, okay, I'm on it. And then he calls you and then to which you told him the truth.

I told him after he goes, uh, he goes, uh, hey, uh, Tom, hey, it's me. I'm from your local Lamborghini dealership. Make sure everything's working all right. And I go, oh yeah, I'm real happy with it, man. And, you know, then he kind of dropped character. He goes, so wow, you got a Lamborghini. And I go, yeah. And he's like, yeah, Christina said she wasn't too thrilled about it.

And I go, yeah. And he goes, uh, he goes, I really don't want to say, uh, congratulations. And I go, thanks. I could tell that he was like, he's like, you're crazy. Yeah. And so I tell him, he started to laugh really hard. And I go, did you think I was totally unstable for a second? He goes, absolutely.

Yeah. He goes, I really was like, wow, this guy, I thought I knew him a little bit. Adam, Adam from the store today texted me. Oh, shut up. He did. Yeah. He texted me. He goes, he goes, I was going to text you yesterday to see if you had lost your fucking mind.

Bill Burr texted me last night. Yeah, that thing really made the rounds. He wrote like, please take, uh, you know, pictures. He goes, congrats on your new ride. And it felt like kind of sincere, you know, so I felt, I go, I didn't get one. I just read one to mess with Bert. Ha, ha, ha.

And he wrote, I love it. All capital letters. Hilarious. Um, so it was, so then anyways, and I had made this video when I was, um, when I dropped it off and then I posted it a few hours ago, just after I had talked to Bert this morning, I talked to Bert this morning and we had a conversation that went, you know, left and right. It wasn't like about it.

And that, and I was like, yeah, you know, so the main thing is like, I definitely don't want things with us to ever change because like I have a Lamborghini or something like we can still be friends, Bert. Yeah. And he was like, no, it's fucking, he was, it's, it's like amazing. I've never seen a car like that before. Like he was real sincere about it. He's sweet.

And as soon as I hung up, I wrote, yo, Bert, have you seen this? And I, I posted this. All right, guys, the jig is up. I didn't buy a Lamborghini. I have to give the keys back to Eddie. Thank you. I hope you enjoyed it. I did.

I did. I went to 777 exotics.com. This is not a paid sponsorship. I paid, I rented it. You can too. I highly recommend doing that as opposed to I basically just said, you know, at the end of this, I go, I got you, Bert, like that. Yeah.

Cause it was really just to see Bert. And then he called me, you fucking dick. You, you fucking dick. You had, I'm the whole time I was so blown away. I was like, there's no way he's that fucking stupid to spend 300,000. Oh, I saved 40 grand on it. I don't give a shit. By the way, you didn't have, I was being real in the moment.

And I know Joe was in on it. He had to be in on it because I've seen his work on news radio. He's not that good of an actor. Joe was the whole time. And I was like, look, man, he's a, you know, he's a baller. He's a baller. He's a baller. Fuck off.

God damn it. You, oh, Ari was like, I was in the car the whole time with all the, like, dude, there's no way you get, I go, Tom's not that stupid. He's not that good. And I was like, dude, he's from, he's from, uh, it's from 40s. My Christ. That's what they do. They spend money on clothes.

That's ridiculous. And I was like, dude, I'm from 40s. Like, different clothes, different clothes. They said, I'm telling you, man, I can't have me going through and looking at motorcycles all night last night because I was having a feeling of being left out spending money on it. It's exactly what we're talking about. I'm looking at motorcycles.

I'm like, I can't afford to spend 10 grand. I can only want to spend five grand on a fucking grill. Fucking buy a bullshit fixer upper motorcycle for fucking 10 grand. Leigh Ann's going to kill me. They just started to go for me. You and Joe are fucking assholes. Oh, I see what I told you. I knew the Bert.

I'm pausing. Oh, I wanted to go. The dogs need to eat and stuff. Okay, okay. Let's pause. Let's pause there after Bert's voicemail so we know where he's up. And I want us. All right, we're back.

Uh, that was a quick break. Um, I think the best, my favorite part of this whole thing, first of all, that was some of the best money I ever spent was renting that car. And I would say, again, for car enthusiasts, it is really fun to rent a car that you're not committing to buying even ones that aren't that expensive. Renting a fun car to drive is a fun thing to do. I totally get that. My favorite thing though, is that I, you know, I talked to Bert after this and

he was like, he was, I knew it. I just knew that you weren't that stupid. I knew you wouldn't do that. But that Ari was like, he's definitely dumb enough to do that. Yeah, right. Ari was like, Ari called me bite trash and then I was from Florida and that Florida people are, are stupid and that we would definitely buy that. That is so damn rude.

I know how dare you, Ari. Aries. That's how he is, you know. Um, so anyways, that was a lamp, Lambo prank. I think that's you. No, no. Maybe Lambo prank. Um, a hundred percent worth it.

So fun to see Bert's face. So fun to get him to spiral. He was searching for motorcycles last night online. I knew he would react that way. Didn't I call it? Yeah, I go, there's no way he is right now in his mind, counting how much you're making, and then he's going to find a way to match what you're doing. I knew it.

He's got to participate in some way. I knew it. I knew it. I bet Leanne last night was just like, oh my God. Oh yeah. She's probably like, what has Tom done? We got to do another GoFundMe. She's with him.

Yes, bros. So I know you guys are itching for some machines within remixes. They keep coming in. So it's my favorite thing right now. It is so fantastic. This is Machines Within by Michael Hodgden. Yeah, turn me. Yeah, he turned it up.

Yeah, why is it not as good? Here we go. Here we go. Yeah. Yeah, you like it? Yep. This is how I heard it. I heard it in my head.

You said it's how I heard it? Is there a heared it? I heard it. I'm not a percent. 16. I have followed the haters. I have followed the haters. It's great by the way, this Halloween season, too.

Perfect. Working on my rhymes. It's a good song. Love it. Yeah. Working on my rhyme. I like it, Michael. Good job.

Working on my flow. Working on my flows. Machines within. If all the haters. If all the haters. Here is. If all the haters rage against the machines within. Oh my God.

What did we think of that by Pete from one and a quarter? Okay. That's who made this one here. Pete. Yeah, like that. I like that. Terminator again. I'm digging it.

It's really good. Yeah. She was dead. It's pretty good, right? It's really good. By the way, I think I already said this, but I don't know if I said it only to you off camera and not on the show. But the other really crazy thing that surprised me going back to the Lambo thing

was how many people were like the internet always kicks you in the balls. I got like hundreds and hundreds of people being like so happy for you. I was like, I was surprised, too. Some people were like, oh, you're rich. Fuck you. Which was like, all right, man, that was their take on it. Like I used to like you. So crazy, such a crazy reaction.

Yeah. But the majority of people were like so happy for you, man. Yeah, I will say that our fans are genuinely. That's very nice. Sweet and supportive of stuff. And that's it is so refreshing on the internet, which is a wasteland of hatred. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I know.

So it's nice. That was just a real quick. I know it doesn't like a nice comment on Twitter or anywhere. It blows me away when people are kind. You're like, what? And I thought, you know, I'm in this douche mobile and it's 300,000 dollars. Like people are just going to be like, and there was a few, but if you read through the comments on my Instagram, it's mostly people going.

You earned it. Congratulations. Machines within man. Machines within. Yeah, I did see a bunch of machines within. But anyways, I thought that was actually very surprising. Yes. Machines within also came in with video and music submissions.

Get the fuck out of here. We have a few of these. Oh, MG. That's crazy. Machines within machines within. Yeah, I'm talking about machines within. Terminator gun, got a terminator gun. Terminator gun, got a terminator gun.

It's great. Amazing. This is great. Wow. Amazing. Machines within. That's a Luke. Luke, you killed it with the redneck version of machines within.

Incredible. That harmonica work is amazing. That guy's a really talented harmonica player right there. That was really actually. And I don't I'm not a huge fan of the harmonica. Yeah, and I really enjoyed that. That was great. Yeah, that guy's talented.

Yeah, there's more. All right, Tommy, Christina. This is the ukulele version of machines within all the way from the UK. All right. The Mums House podcast. Oh, my gosh. Machines within machines within. Got a gun, got a terminator gun.

Machines within machines within. Got a gun, got a terminator gun. T 16, T 16. Got a gun, got a terminator gun. Machines within machines within. Got a gun, got a terminator gun. An. F-word of haters.

That is fantastic. That is crazy. Krabbers. Krabbers. Yeah. Dude, thank you. That was awesome. Fantastic version.

What an amazing audience we have. I know. International. International. And that was another one came in. Shut up. Nate from Indie. All right.

The second song. Yeah. On the album. Yeah. Much love, no hate, much love, no hate. Machines within machines within, make me cool. Locked out a gun, yeah, terminator gun. So crazy.

Machines within, make me cool. Walking down the street, happy high Halloween. What is real and what is fake? Machines within, make me cool. Mass murderer from the grave makes me cool. Much love, no hate, much love, no hate. Much love, no hate, much love, no hate. Mass murderer from the grave makes me cool.

Spiritually from hell. Wow. Amazing. That's amazing. Wow. That's Nate from Indie. Incredible. So many, I mean, I feel like I'm serious.

There's so many incredibly musically inclined people who listen to this show. Who knew such talented people? I thought it was all just derelicts like us that listened. I know, but there's really talented people. I'm a little disappointed that we didn't get a song, you know. She's retarded. She's retarded song, but you can only get so much.

We didn't get a she's retarded song? Let me see. Do I see? I don't see one. No. I was thinking that the she's retarded, that could be a fun prank for spouses. You could say that about your wife or husband in public. When they act up.

Yeah. We need this email. Oh, that's interesting. Right? Do Siamese twins conjoined twins? If they get a job, do they get one salary or two? Damn it. Machines within F the haters.

Nathan, that is an excellent question. I hope that machines within F the haters replaces. Hey, Hitler. Yeah. Me too. Believe me, especially as you're, I hope your touring starts to really pick up now and you hear as many times as I did this year, walking to the stage as you get on stage and as the applause dies, you know, and they settle in for you to talk and you're like,

hello. And then they go, Hey, Hitler, like that. And you're like, well, I was at Twitter yesterday doing the Twitter Q and a Santa Monica. It was super fun. It's not official HQ, right? Cause that's up North, but it's right. It's like Twitter LA. So there's offices in Denver, San Francisco, all these places.

And, um, you know, a lot of its mommies asking questions and most of them were like, Hey, Hitler, just wondering, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the girls were like, um, why is everybody saying, Hey, Hitler? It's a, it's a joke. It's a joke. I dropped my joke book at, um, at, uh, yoga. I didn't know it. And Ari goes, did you drop this?

And I go, no, he goes, it's not your notebook. And I go, I think it's my notebook. And he opened it. And at the top it says, Hey, Hitler. And I go, no, that is mine. He was like, okay. Like it says Hitler in it. Is it, is yours?

I'm like, yeah, it's mine. Cause it was like, it was a reminder to tell that story to somebody. It was on my set list. Uh, hot dump question. Hey, mommies, you know how they say, if you drink, you know, they say, I'm wondering if you were to pour milk on how you say asshole, would it ease the pain of hot dumps? What do you think?

Love you. Gabe. What a real thought provoking. That's another really good question. Gosh. I mean, I don't see why it wouldn't. If it works on your mouth with spices. Yeah.

You know what else cools your high knee is a total washlet, three 50 each a splash of water. And you know what else, you know what else, you know what else cools your high knee is a total washlet, three 50 each a splashing some water on your high knee helps. Yeah. So I'd argue that any liquid really helps.

Asshole. Yeah. It keeps your asshole. Asshole. Wrap. Wrap. Yeah. Your liquid though.

Wrap. Wrap. Wrap. Yeah. Good question. I'm really interested if there's any employers who have hired or been around a conjoined twin to see if they get two salaries. Cause they have separate rights.

They have their own individual rights. There's two separate people. Yeah. They have different minds. So how could you be like, well, we're just going to pay you this one thing. It can't be. Cause they are two separate entities.

They are two separate people with different social security numbers. Fascinating question. Right. Yeah. They have, I'm sure they have, you know, license, not driver. I don't know if they can drive. Yeah.

They can drive. Who's the driver? I don't know. How do you wipe if you have no arms? That came in. God damn it. I was taking such a good dump today. I was talking about people who are unable to have such a time on the toilet.

My pondering of poop brought me to this question. Had to people without arms, wiped their ass. I'm really at a loss here. I, what I'm really at a loss at is not how they wipe at all. How do you wipe outside of the home? Because I'm sure there's a system you would set up at home. You know, there would be something like even though I don't stick with a rag on it. Yeah.

Something I don't know off the top of my, but yeah, I can imagine that there's something you would set up. Right. Like a friend, a bidet and a, and a some, some device. How do you push the button for the bidet? It's a great question. I mean, these are, you know, I'm saying that, but there's something,

if the no arm people out there are going to find us and let us know, there's some system, but it's more interesting to me is like, what about an emergency dump out on the town? That's really curious. I mean, I'm guessing if you're armless, you might have a helper with you. No. At all times. No.

And then how do you, well, how do you get around? You got to walk everywhere. Oh no, I guess you can take an Uber now. Armless people don't have helpers. I'd have a helper if I were armless. No, you won't. Sure. Why would you have a helper?

You can't reach anything. Can't push. Babe. How are you going to, how are you going to get your iPhone out and hit Uber? Babe. To come get you. Jesus Christ. You have no arms.

Why is that a ridiculous question? They don't have helpers. They have like a prosthetic and they, you know, if they don't, they still can, you can go, you can walk around and do what you need to do without an arm. Two arms missing. They don't have a helper. This, this person did not mention prosthetics.

I'm literally imagining somebody with no arms right now. They still don't be like, I don't have arms. I need a full-time caregiver. It's not how that works. They would still, they make do without their arms. What's interesting is how they do it. It's not a helper. Okay.

Not a helper. Well, I don't know much about the armless community. I'm just saying it's a fascinating question. It is a fascinating question. And if you're black and you want to rent free lifestyle, fuck me. Come over here and fuck me right now. Do whatever you want. Piss on me.

Slap me. Hit me. Shit in my face. Piss in my eyes. You want to just try it out. You know what? In my building, try it out. You want to fuck a piss on me.

Try it out. You're just going to play on me. Just fuck me. I'm looking for hardcore guys and me. We know you are. And I want to deliver it. I'm a hot, full-white trash. Come down.

Let's fuck. His teeth don't look good either. Nothing's going on good. Black guys who love to fuck and fuck good. If you're a hot black guy, you want to fuck. Who do you think's creepier? Okay. Would you rather, would you rather you're a hot black guy?

Would you rather bang ugly Ron Jeremy and Ron Jeremy ain't so good. This is his retarded brother, Don Jeremy. So would you rather bang this guy? Don Jeremy. Or the 2016 Benadryl guy. Oh my God. They're both super horny. It's a filler up sealer shut.

Here's the thing. What's up? Are you doing the 16 Benadryl guy? Or this guy? First of all, as always, I applaud you and your impromptu filler ups and would you, you're really gifted at this. Thank you. This is what I would take to the networks to pitch if I were you, if you were pitching

ideas. You know, I am looking to pitch show. Are you? Okay. It's a good idea. There's dog, dog dick afternoon. Yeah. Yeah.

Right? Wait a minute. What about? Come gum. Come gum with the jewels, with the man love in the middle. Right. Good idea. One dog's heads is another TV show.

So far, I mean, I could see NBC, ABC, Fox, CBS. Where else are you going to take this thing? Only the big ones are not okay. These are broadcast network shows. Yeah. Okay. So who are you going to bang? Is it the 16 Benadryl?

Here's why it's interesting to me. They're both super horny. Here's the good news. They're both enthusiastic lovers. They're both definitely not. Not horny. You're right. Supercharged lovers.

Just to remind people who you're talking about. Just so people have your mind. This guy's the best. Who should I? Who do I want to talk to? If you want to be horny for two or three hours, like you've never been in your life. You have access to marijuana too. Good weed.

Listen to me. Okay. True weed alone can get you really horny or the normal. True weed alone can get you really horny. Take about 10, 12 Benadryl before you want to have your sexual fun with your partner or whatever you do or masturbate. All right. 10 to 12.

True. So this guy. Have a heart attack. Go to the hospital. With this hundred yard stare that's permanently in his eyes. There's definitely plans and plots on the wall behind him of people to take out. Him and his Benadryl. And his weed with his closet though.

He does have a nice closet behind him. He's, he's swallowed fucking gas from a balloon. Let a laughing gas or whatever. So it's him. It's him. Do I want to fuck him? Or. The lady, the laying down.

Homeless or your thug. Come. Move in. A friend can move to you, man. Free rent. Get a lease on a key. Fuck me. Piss on me.

Beat me. I'm home now. You see me when I come over today and try it out. Try it out, man. Yeah. I mean, they're too great. You know, we got to do. It's a different style too.

It's different styles. You know what I wish we could do is like a dating game where we could match the perfect homeless person with either of these gentlemen. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's good. And they answer questions. But you know, this is silly fun.

So what do you. I mean, we could add a third. How about the fuck me and my ass? No, let's keep it to the homeless guy gets raped by gay ghost. No. I think it's good to keep it to the two guys that can string sentences together. But I. Who are you going for?

Well, first of all, it's a good, it's really good because they're both alarming individuals and terrifying in different ways. See, I think a lot of people terrifying in different ways is an excellent phrase. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of people would, in this situation, be like, I'm staying away from the fuck me for free rent. Black guys.

Why is that? Well, it's just, it seems so direct and aggressive. Sure. And the aggression can be off putting to some people and you go, you go, oh, the Benadryl guy, he's pretty chill. He's just sitting on the couch. He's just like smokes and weed, but that guy has some really, really scary things going on that you didn't necessarily see in that video.

Luckily for us, we have more than one video of him. Do you think he's making a suit out of lady skin and he's got a girl in a well? I think the Benadryl guy is scarier actually. I think there's a lot below the service. That's what I'm saying. The Benadryl guy, he's got a girl that he's starving to make a lady dress out of. What the fuck? I would never, my family's tried to get me to watch regular porn, they call it.

Fuck you and your porn and the way you make out and your stupid, boring fucking bullshit. Okay, this guy in a cabin with the only he has the key to is the end of your life for sure. But wait a minute. The free rent guy is like beat the piss out of me. Wait a minute, but that's what he's saying too. He's like, I don't like regular, you know, of course I like wild stuff. What's wrong with you?

The other guy likes wild stuff too. You want to be adventurous. You like that. The other guy is direct in that he wants basically to be submissive. He wants you to be very dominant and aggressive. This guy. You like that. You like that.

You like taking the lead. I don't know. That's your thing. You're always, you know, right? I'm thinking the only thing is going to, I'm going to have a problem with the other guys. I'm not black. That's going to piss them off. Well, okay.

Let's, let's lift that Lamborghini Lamborghini. Let's lift that requirement for this, for the sake of this filler up sealer shut. Yeah. And now this guy's a serial killer. You like serial killers. No, no. I like watching shows about them. I don't like them.

You like them creepy. No. The two of you could talk about killing. All of you are owned by your woman. You're all a bunch of fucking pieces of shit. God doesn't love any of you anymore. You're fucked. Here I am on the planet with your motherfucker.

Have a good day, motherfucker. Oh, that's how my mom used to end her letters to me. Look at those pupils, huh? The pupils are wild. It is in the eyes with this guy. He's severely mentally ill. This guy. Or just whacked out on the drugs.

The drugs aren't helping the mental decline. Let's put it that way. I think I'd have to fuck the guy that wants to get pissed off for free rent. And good news, free rent. You didn't even bring that part. I got a mortgage. Jesus. Right.

Yeah. You're saving cash with that guy, the mustache guy. You're having a good time. Everyone's, it's a win-win. You think he'd pick up my Lambo payments? I don't know if he's capable of that. Yeah. But, I mean, he is giving you something too, which is nice.

Free rent. Free rent. And you can bring a friend. Hardcore guys. Free rent. You get a lease and a key. Fuck me. You get a lease and a key.

Yeah. Wow. Now, and you can also bring a buddy along. So which buddy are you bringing along? Oh, that's interesting. I would either bring along Bert or sickle cell or Ari. Yeah. Any, any of those dudes would be down.

I mean, Ari's kind of homeless all the time. Yeah. He kind of has like homeless guy vibes. Yeah. He does. He looks homeless. This guy might accept Ari. Yeah.

Oh, for sure. I'll be like, I'm not black. Yeah. But you look dirty and you look like you, you know, you live on the streets. Yeah. He's like, you want to come in here and piss on me? Fuck me for rent. Okay.

I'll do it. Is this an Airbnb? Okay. I'll do it. I'll do it. Yeah. Now see, I, oh man, if I were a guy, I guess in order to fill her up and seal her shut, I would have to be a guy in this scenario.

I'm going to have to go with you on this one because I am afraid that the Benadryl guy might kill you. Cut you up. Yeah. So you would, you would piss on and beat the other guy and put a strap on it. But it's free rent and a buddy gets to come along. But he wants, he, he wants to be nailed. Sure.

You would do the strap on. Yeah. No problem. Big, powerful strap on. No problem. Yeah. Nope. I'll practice before I go in on whoever's here in front of me.

I don't know. You won't let me practice on you? No. Babe, we're talking Lambo payments. He said, I don't think he could take over those payments. How much are the payments? Payments. Let's talk about the payments.

If you're making payments on a Lamborghini, you're doing it all wrong. If it's 320 or 350, that's ridiculous. You put 10,000 down and then your monthly, your monthly is only like 20 grand. Let's do it. Let's do the math. Yeah. It's preposterous. Okay.

If you can't, if you're not a multimillionaire. Here's car loan calculator. Yeah. Okay. 350. She's retarded. Yeah. $350,000 Lambo, let's say.

How many months? Because they tell you it's really stupid to do longer than like 36 months. Well, let's do the financial advisors tell you like, you know, pay it off within two to three years. So let's say three years. Okay. Three year Lamborghini. Yeah.

Because otherwise you're paying way too much in interest. So. Sure. Let's do 36 months. We're all about the value with this. Yeah. You know, 3% interest. Sure.

All right. Let's see. All right. So that's pretty good deal. I mean, that's a low interest rate. Yeah. 36 months. They're loaning you $350,000.

So your monthly payments are only $10,178 a month for your car, for your car. Makes sense. Yeah. And then you're talking great mileage on the gas. Yeah. I mean, I drove it. I think I drove it 60 miles and I, I took down a little over quarter of a tank. So yeah, I mean, you're filling up pretty often.

You're filling it up like every day. Yeah. Like pretty much every day, every other day you're filling up your. Like $60 a pop. I don't know. A fill up. Yeah. Sparring.

It's good. You can only take one person. Throw that on the 10 grand of your monthly loan. What about insurance? It's going to be not a joke to ensure for you're insuring a house. It's crazy. $10,000 a month for a car. Yeah.

That is bananas. Yeah. That is, that is a huge mortgage payment. It's pretty well. I can do that. That's crazy. Yeah. Man.

Okay. Let's see this. But I will say that Lamborghini, that, that is just for the pleasure of it. There is no utility in a Lamborghini. It is all just for fun. It is all pleasure and joy, which, you know, I don't, I don't know anything about that. What are you looking at now? I'm trying to figure out the, what the insurance would be, but they asked for too much information.

Insurance, especially in California where there's so many uninsured motorists because that's what you're paying for is the people that don't have insurance. Could you imagine, could you imagine getting hit in that car and then you got to replace the fucking, the door that goes, The guy told me, I go, cause I was telling him, I was like, it's so crazy to get into this business you have of buying exotic cars and then renting them because you're overhead like to get into the business is like $5 million. He has like Rolls Royce, Bentley's, Ferrari's, Maserati's, you know, like all these exotic

cars and he was like, yeah, it's crazy. And I was like, it's just so much money. He goes, oh yeah. When the transmission blew on one of these Lambos, it was a $45,000 to fix the transmission. It was like the service on these things is no joke. You know, it does make me think how many people in LA are doing that exact thing that they are just renting these fancy cars. Now that I think about it.

Oh, it's a lot. It's a lot. And now that I'm like, oh, what's that guy doing with a Ferrari? Like these people are probably renting. There's a lot of renters. Yeah. Yeah. He told me how like the business does well.

Yeah. Especially in Beverly Hills and you know, people want to look like girls. You know where it's more obvious when you, if you like want to pay attention to, to where, how it's going. If you see a Lamborghini or a Ferrari on a residential street, that's probably owned. When you see them parked or up and down Rodeo and that whole thing, that's a renter. That's somebody who got it for a trip, which is like, I understand that. I came to LA.

I'm going to drive up rich people Boulevard and I'm going to get this crazy. Yeah. Let's go to Rodeo. Let's rent a crazy car. Yeah. Let's go shopping at the, you know, whatever Pollo store, Ralph Lauren. Yeah. Well, this is, I don't know what the fuck people buy.

This is super exciting. We've been working on this for a minute and it's finally here. We've talked about it for a while. We have a holiday collection of your mom's house related products coming out. They're out now. A couple of them are on sale. A couple are pre-sale. So this first one was the big one.

This is our first ever Christmas sweater and it is amazing. It is one of the best things I have ever seen. It's a, it's a Christmas, a legit Christmas sweater and it says Santa Claus wears jeans and it has Santa and he's wearing his jeans. And here's what's really cool about this. 100% of the profit that comes from the Santa Claus wears jeans Christmas sweater will go to the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles. We're going to donate to their toy program.

Wonderful. For kids that are in the hospital. And we'll document it. So it's not just like, you have, just believe it, we're going to, you know, make a video of like the shopping and dropping off some of the toys and gift cards and stuff. Awesome. There's no better cause. No better cause.

So please check it out. Go to TomSegura.com and click on my store or go to merchmethod.com slash TomSegura. We also have a couple other. It's a red Christmas sweater. The Santa Claus wears jeans. It's red and it's got the white stitching of like snowflakes and it's got a color. It's so cool. Santa wearing jeans.

It's great. It's a real Christmas sweater. It's heavy. Yeah. So you're going to wear it. You're actually going to wear it. All this one's great too. The hat, the winter hat.

The little ball on top with snowflakes and it says Santa Claus wears jeans. Of course. That's very fun. And then this is something that like I've held onto. I wanted to do this for years and I finally did it. We're doing Christmas sweatshirts as well in different colors, white, green and red. And who are you to tell me what Santa Claus looks like is my. So now we have Santa Claus is black.

Yeah. Hashtag YMH, right? You don't know my pronoun. Don't assume it. Um, we have Santa Claus is Asian. No. Yes. I love it.

He is. Oh, that's great. Santa Claus is Asian. Santa Claus is black. I love it. And we also have for Edmanos, we have Santa Claus is Latino. Yes, dude. And a green and he's wearing a sombrero and hashtag YMH.

Anyway, so. It's awesome. Like I said, some of these are pre-sale. Um, they'll ship in like, uh, about three and a half weeks. Some of these are on sale, meaning they'll ship in less time, maybe two weeks. So, um, that's our whole. So get them now. What you're saying is get them now before the, it gets really cold.

Yeah. Before the holidays really kick in. You get your Christmas stuff now. Um, it's great. Uh, you know, uh, Christmas present. If your significant other is a podcast fan or you just want to have like a more unique holiday sweater or sweatshirt, uh, the hat is awesome. I have the hat.

They should, they shipped it to us. And I tell you the quality of all of these items is impeccable. I have the hat. Yeah. In the, in our bedroom, it's fantastic. Yeah. And again, um, so is the sweater. All of them are great.

Santa Claus wears jeans. The, uh, is the sweaters. Incredible. All going to, uh, children's charity. That's awesome too. Right. Yeah. Very cool.

So very proud of that charity. To one of the more exciting things that we have come across in some time here on this show. Um, very happy to bring to your attention. Oh, that did not go as, as planned. Jean. Here it is. Try again.

I screwed it up. I muted it for a second. Oh, but you know what happened. Yeah. Another shoe dropping in the wake of the Harvey Weinstein sexual harassment scandal in golfing Hollywood, new accusations against action star Steven Seagal, and now Daily Mail TV brings to light an audio tape in which Seagal reveals his outrageously profane attitude toward female journalists.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I see times that I had a hard time that was usually with women when somebody's on, on tour, on a promotional tour, he's there to talk about his film. Well, it's not about who he's f***ing or who he'd like to f*** or, you know, uh, who his wife was with ten years ago, and they should go into pornography or something instead of journalism, if they want to hear that s***, that's their s***. So unfortunately the, the bleeps were unavoidable.

Sure. I hate playing censored stuff on this podcast, but, um, that's, that's the only version that exists right now. So, this is, this is all related to a story that broke, you know, it's like everyone's being taken down right now for sexual harassment and, you know, all these things. So there's a story that came that a woman who auditioned, uh, for one of, when, when, when he was like, you know, making big $100 million or whatever. You mean he's not now?

Yeah. Now they're like $1,000 budgets. But when he goes, doing those about 20 years ago, um, a woman claims that she was, got the call like, oh, Seagal is considering you for the lead, you need to go to his house. And she had the wherewithal to bring the casting director with her. And he answered in like a silk robe and he just sat in the chair and watched her audition. And then when she left, she got the call that like, oh, Stephen thought you did great. He needs you to come back to do a private rehearsal.

Oh yeah. Oh, the private rehearsal in the room and he's still in his robe for it. Well, she turned it down. Okay. And so he gave her like a one line part movie. Wow. This story came out a couple of weeks ago and this stuff is in relation to those stories. Like this is him telling somebody else about that, you know.

He's sick out of this sweet little, you know, nice girl and who seems to just adore you and all this and that and you're a perfect gentleman and, you know, unbelievable. How can you come back that? The way you come back is like, let's not ever do an interview again until these f***ers bunch of f***ers do their work. Damn. I wish we had that. He's so mad at her for this.

Yeah. Because this, you know, this bad press man, there's no... Sure. And Stephen's used to a very high standard of good press. Yeah. Being a Russian recent citizen and, you know, a spy of sorts and, you know, he's a talented guy. I mean, I am the king of improv and I feel forgiven by saying so.

Geez. The king of improv, you know. Yeah. Wow. Who knew? I really hope he does more interviews like this. I do too. I was just looking at his photo there without the jet black mustache and the jet black.

I think he might look better if he shaved that off. Just cut it all off. Right. But keep the gun range yellow sunglasses though, right? He stopped wearing those. He has little ones now. He went to the John Lennon's. Yeah.

Yeah, the tiny spectacles. Those are good look. Much better. And the hair piece is darker and more full than it was. I like that too. I mean, you know, Ryan Sickler, our good friend, had a goatee for 15 years and he just shaved it off about a year ago. He looks 10 years younger.

I just saw him. I did the crab feast a week ago and, I mean, it's like a different man. I think there is an age where you should take off the goatee. Yeah. Yeah. It's just aging him. It's not good. Just be fat.

I mean, at this point, it might look better just to have a fat face, right? Like a fat. And the way that the hair is cut, it's actually making his cheeks look puffier. I know. He needs to either expand the width of that beard or just cut it off or lose weight. Yeah. You could do that. Oh my God.

He looks great. Look at that. Look at the weave. Yeah. Oh, that's bad. That's so dark. It's so, so dark. Oh my God.

He's wearing his gi to meet Putin. Yeah. Vladimir Putin. Yeah. He's wearing a fucking gi. He's eating his carrot hair. To the Kremlin or whatever it is. Yeah.

He's eating a carrot. Sure. Such a weird. God. He looks so weird. Such a weird look that he's got going. Yeah. Yeah.

Those tiny glasses. Look at him back. Look how much thinner he was here. That's him? Yeah. No. Yeah, that's him. That's him in his heyday.

Are you sure that's not Yanni? No. He's eating me. Yeah. That's back in the day. He was attractive. Well, yeah. He's a fucking superstar, man.

Yeah. He looks terrible. But that one interview he did, he had those crazy, crazy glasses on. Where is it? Here it is. This one. Yeah. It looks like a cartoon character.

Those are crazy. Look here. This isn't, how long ago is that? That's old. Because he was handsome. Yeah. Of course. He looked the facial hair off.

How are you going to act like you didn't know he was handsome? I didn't. Really? I did not know. Take off the fucking glasses. Here's the gun range glasses. Yeah, the gun. You see, but that makes him look 10 times crazier.

You know what? It's not helping him to wear the ghee and the glasses in public. It's just, this is not the, you just look crazy. Yeah. No, you need to normalize the look a little. Yeah, I agree. I don't, you feel like he, he just needs to look more normal. Yeah.

It's not good. You know, you start, you start to do crazy or other things to distract from your body going to shit. Sure. What happens is like, he's just gained so much weight that he's like, you know, grow this, put some sunglasses, because you're trying to distract from, from things going to shit. You know?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's just so, you know, we were talking about it today as we were driving around the neighborhood and we saw a man wearing like those Cavarici pants from the nineties and then he had a belt and then the shirt tucked into the, the, the terrible nineties pants, the hammer pants. And it's because nobody loves him. Nobody loves him.

And I think the problem with Steven Seagal is that he doesn't have a woman in his life who tells him he looks ridiculous. Or who loves him. Who loves him. She, any woman in his life is like, you're that movie star. Yeah. You're the action star guy. You, you're handsome without the jet black widow's peak and the, the jet black goatee.

You look terrible with that. Yeah. It's a good point. Stupid. I don't let you out of the house with even. No, you've corrected me a few times. Yeah. You, you, you almost went out of the house the other day to a pitch meeting wearing

a denim button-down shirt and the denim pants. That's right. Well, but I mean, I'm your, I'm YMH for life. Hello. Yeah, but not, not to that meeting. Yeah. I didn't let you out of the house because why? Because why?

Because you love me. Yes. Hey, I have an, I have an in-law as a question that came in. I have an in-law that is quite heavy-handed with the, you know what I mean. Oh. Am I supposed to answer? Yes. I know what you mean.

Every time I'm asked to follow along with the dumb story, at what point am I supposed to stop applying? What's the etiquette for taking this kind of blast? You know what I mean? Thanks for the giggles. Roger. You know what I'm saying? That is it?

You know what I mean? Or you know what I'm saying? This person says, you know what I mean? Fuck. You know what I mean? Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Yeah. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean. You know what I mean? See, just check it and it's a failure. You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Check this out though. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, you know what I'm saying? See? Shit, I have a job day in my life.

I never had a job in my life, um. In and out of jail. You know what I'm saying? I don't know. I'm like, you know what I'm saying? I feel like, I feel like you gotta, you gotta kind of leave the, you know what I mean? Alone. You can't really start answering them.

Yeah. Check this out. The homeboy Mitch. You know what I'm saying? This big stuff. Hell yeah. You know what I'm saying? Mutual homies.

Good motherfucker right there. You know what I'm saying? So you know what I'm saying? He's not gonna fuck with the bridge. It's so ridiculous. Well, here's the thing. One time, I was watching a mom discipline her kid. Yeah.

Who kept saying like, um, this little boy was learning to speak, right? What four years old. That's so different. And he kept going and, and like, um, and like, um, and like, um, and the mom goes, don't stop saying like, um, do you don't say like, um, and at the time I thought, gosh, that's kind of cruel. It kind of, then it puts this thing in that kid's head like self consciousness. Yeah.

Uh, then again, it is a verbal tick and until somebody points it out to you, you need to become cognizant of it. It's not a bad, yeah. Maybe if he answered him with the same amounts of, is it, you know, you know what I'm saying? Or, you know, you know, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe if he was like, well, you don't, I mean, you know, you mean me.

Like there's no joke. No, I think it would, what would be funny is what he's proposing is to go like, I know what you mean. I know what you mean. I know what you mean. I know what you mean. I know what you mean. She's retarded.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I was like, no. You don't say it. I guess I know what you mean. That's true. If he did do that.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Because there was a time in high school when my BFF Shauna and I, we said like a lot because we're valley girls. Yeah. There was a point where she and I had to correct each other and we had to, we had to be like, like, hey, we're saying like way too much. And you were calling each other out?

We were calling each other out because we realized that it, it, it like, it like had gotten like too far, like, like too far. And how did it, did it help when you brought each other up? Yeah. I remember she goes, I think we're saying like too much, bro. And I was like, what? Like, like what? Like what?

Like what, bro? Like what? Yeah. Cause she's like, she's like, we're saying like too much. She's like, she goes, oh, cause I heard my brother on the phone and I think he was saying it. You know? Like, like, like, bro.

That's always how it is. And you, and then you go, wait a minute. Am I saying that stuff too? I say like too much now. Of course. We both did. We were in California. That's the land of like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

Oh, no. So we leave, we're leaving for the camping trip on the 20th. Oh boy. Who's all gone? Me, Faye, Mommy, Daddy, Nikki. Grammatically incorrect. Me, Faye, Danny. We have a bunch of us going and you and Grandpa are supposed to come.

Can't. Why? We're not going to pay shit. They give us all buckets with our names on it. What does that mean? Well, you can't go in my bucket. I can't go in yours so we don't get germs spreading. Germs spread.

But where do I put my hands at? On the bucket? Put my name on it? I think you played with yourself. Why would you say that to me? Hot tonight. Where's Bobby going to shit in the bucket? Yeah.

And then at the end. Where do you go to shit, though? You find like a tree. You go behind a tree. Sweet old lady is being told that she's going to have to shit in a bucket if she goes on this trip. Man, you can't ask an old lady to shit in a bucket. I mean, she probably shits in a pan right now, but not in a bucket. I bet you George H.W. Bush does, too.

The former president has been accused of sexual harassment. Poor guy. Poor guy. Yeah. Wait. Why is he the poor guy? He's old. What is that supposed to mean?

I mean, he can't, you know, it can't be held accountable for his... For grabbing Heines? Yeah. Are you saying that he should get a free pass because he's old? Yes. I think it's even grosser when it's an old guy. It's definitely... It's more upsetting.

Let's see. This lady said she saw the presidents getting together. Let's place your debit card. She got a chance to meet him four years ago. Okay. He's 93. So he was 89. A spry 89.

89 years old. He sexually assaulted me. He didn't shake me. He touched me from behind, from his wheelchair, with his wife Barbara by his side. He told me a dirty joke. All the while being photographed, touched me again. Oh my God. Yeah.

See, I think it's wrong just because it's so gross to be touched by that dude. How creepy is that? Um, well... Would you want to get your bet squeezed by him? Would I? I wouldn't mind. I really wouldn't mind. And I wouldn't mind if an 89-year-old woman...

Like, she was at... I remember talking to her on the picture. And I go, sure. I stood by her wheelchair and she went like, and she squeezed my heiny. And she was like, I'd be like, okay. I would be like, that was crazy.

This old lady in a wheelchair just squeezed my ass and said something dirty to me. Poor... I think it's even more appalling when there's more than creepy. Because old people are gross and creepy. Like, old, old. But don't you think... I'm scared of death. I'm scared of catching her death, honestly.

That's the uncomfortable feeling of being around the old. But I'm saying, for somebody doing something like, let's say... Let's just say, this scenario can happen to you. A guy can go like, hey, I see you brought the whole... I brought the milk machine with you today. I brought my coffee, I see you brought the milk. And then he puts his cup in front of your tits and he's like, can I get half and half from this one and skim from that one?

And he's like... Like that. So, is it worse that a 40-year-old man does that? 60-year-old man or a 90-year-old man? I think it's worse at the 90-year-old because they're supposed to be sweet and old and asexual. When you're 90, it's supposed to kind of whittle away. But isn't it less threatening? I don't know.

I know that it's gross. It's grosser the older they are. It's gross, but I mean... You're a granddad. But the 40- or 50- or 60-year-old guy can actually do something. In other words, this guy's in a wheelchair. He's like, I remember when I saw tits like that and he can barely... But that's why it's even creepier and grosser because he's like...

So you would feel worse about that? Really? About the old guy? No, it's interesting. I'm asking. Yes, I would honestly because you don't expect it as much from the older guy. The younger guy, you expect him to be creeps. So you're like, I saw that one coming.

I feel like when it's the older person, it really catches you off guard when they're creepy. Do you want to hear the statement? Oh, God. It's kind of funny. Okay. Okay, so they issued a statement, his spokesman. President Bush would never, under any circumstance, intentionally cause distress to anyone. He sincerely apologizes if his attempt at humor offended this person.

And then this is what the next statement said. At age 93, President Bush has been confined to a wheelchair for roughly five years. His arm falls on the lower waist of people with whom he takes pictures. To try to put people at ease, the president routinely tells the same joke. And on occasion, he has padded women's rears in what he intended to be a good natured manner. Some have seen it as innocent, others clearly viewed as inappropriate, that anyone he has offended, the president sincerely apologizes. Oh, so he can't control his arm.

That's what, so then don't fucking take pictures of people on that side of you. But he can't, they're saying that his arm, he can't control it. So then he comes up with a stock line. My arm's got life alone, like my cock or something. Yeah. I think this might even be the picture. Hilarious. So like his left arm is probably like around her ass right now or near it.

You know what I mean? Right. And he's like, I wanna fuck you, or I don't know what he's saying, but he's probably like, you wipe all the way, you wipe all the way to the top. You wipe front to back. I don't think he's saying that. You think so? I don't think so, babe.

Do you wipe down? She's like, I'm sorry. Can I tell you what always bothers me about gross old dudes and especially in wheelchairs? I always look at their crotches and how mushy his back. Big, big, big. Yeah. Like does your dick of balls, do they spread the older you get? Yeah.

And everything's hanging. Don't forget like everything. Every bit of skin, organs, everything. See how his face is drooping? Yeah. I mean, look at her shoulders. Her tits are flat now. Decay.

Yeah. Your body's decaying. Yeah. Like I think when fits him is like, you don't know if his dick's big or that's just like skin just falling over skin. Right. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. I, um, you know, I bet her, her nightmare to grow old. Her box can't be in good shape either. Oh, I've seen, I told you I had to change a hundred year old lady for her birthday party and her labia hung out, hung outside of her underwear. I saw her labia hang out and her tits were drooping out of her bra too. See, I feel like, I feel like if a 90 year old man said something like that to me, I'd be like, this guy's about to die.

Let him have this one. Okay. So would you rather do the 90 year old guy? I would have to do him. I'm just talking about him saying something. No, we're talking about doing now, but that's not what I'm, would you rather do the 90 year old guy or 16 Benadryl's guy, 16 Benadryl. So I have to have sex with him, but either or.

Oh man. It's 90 year old George. Or Benadryl. There's a chance that I'd kill the guy. Yeah. That's a, but that's, that's part of the wood you rather. That's part of the thing. You're either risking your life for the lunatic to kill you or you're going to break his hips

by butt fucking him. Yeah. I think I would do it. I would do it. You butt sexed George. Yeah. Hilarious. Yeah.

That Benadryl guy is terrible. I'm watching Mindhunter on Netflix right now. Yeah. He's in it. Someone like him is in there. Yeah. Slices of girls tits off. I am not interested in that shit in the least.

I forget what I was talking to you. I was like, I am not interested in any of these kinds of shows. Yeah. Woman getting their tits cut off and murders and shit. I don't want to watch hospital stories. I don't want to watch people dying of cancer. I don't want to watch no fucking white bummer movies. I don't want to watch black bummer movies.

I don't want to watch any fucking bummers dude. Black AIDS, that movie. Fuck that shit. What's that movie now on the iTunes movie? It's got the, it's like everyone loves it. It's a black guy in the cover with like the light. What's that shit called? Moonlight.

Moonlight. Is that a bummer? Yeah. Oh yeah. It's a black AIDS bummer. I'm not interested in the black AIDS bummer. I'm sure it's fantastic. Yeah.

I just don't, I can't, I don't have the emotional bandwidth. I cry at everything. Yeah. Well, I know. I'm too sensitive. I know, I know, I know. Oh man. I feel too bad for people.

I'm too empathetic. Fuck that shit. So we need to keep that shit out all day. We need to carry it. The bucket has a handle. Yeah. We need to keep it out. We need to carry it because when we walk to go see the, you know, the flowers or the

flowers. The fish in. Yeah. And if I have to shit, I can always get my bucket with me. Yeah. Where are we going to get the fuck out of here? I love this one. You don't like that idea?

Nah. I don't even want to get a cab of your shit and smell that. Yeah. She's got the right idea. Yeah. It's part of the experience. Fuck the experience. Part of the what?

Experience grandma. The experience. Experience. I want to experience that I have to smell my own shit. While cooking. I don't like that. I love the lady that made this too. She knew exactly what she was doing.

It was beautifully done. What are we going to do when we're that old, babe? You're going to die? Well, I mean, who's going to take care of us? Do we just check ourselves into an old folks home together? Can we go to the same old folks home? They'll keep us together, right? Oh yeah, definitely.

I can't live without you. You're going to die before me though because men always do. Shit. What the fuck am I going to do? I don't know. And I'm older than you. Babe, do I have permission to get a boyfriend in the retirement home? Yeah, of course.

Of course. You can get it. You can get a boyfriend. There's no closing song in my closing song file. Bitsy has a song for you. Come here, Schnitzel. You want to sing? This is an empty file.

Come here, Schnitzel. God damn it. Come here. Come here, Schnitzel. Nothing in here. Very upsetting. I'll sing you a song, dad. Okay, sing me a song.

I love your mom's house. It's a great show. Thank you for having me. Everybody knows I'm a dog. There you go. I love this show. Thank you for having me on. Yeah, no problem.

Your mom's house. Your mom's house. Your mom's house. All right. Your mom's house. I love this show. Thank you for having me on. Yeah, no problem.

Your mom's house. Your mom's house. Your mom's house. All right. Your mom's house. How about the Christina Fuckboy remix? Oh, sure. Yeah.

All right. Fuckboy. That's by Ollie Zinser. Zinser. Yeah. That's a fun one. All right. This was a really fun.

Hope you guys enjoyed it. See you on the next one. Bye, Jane, you having fun? Bye, Jane. I love you. Love you too. I think Fuckboy is one of my favorites. I like Fuckboy.

Fuckboy. Fuckboy. Fuckboy. Fuckboy. It's a huge insult. Fuckboy. It's a little bit. It's the PC version of Faggot.

Faggot. Faggot. Well, I like Fuckboy. If I can't say Faggot, I'm going to say Fuckboy. Sounds like you're already doing it. Sound like you're already doing it. Fagot. Fuckboy.

Fuckboy. Faggot. Faggot. Fuckboy. Fuckboy. Faggot. Faggot. Fuckboy.

Fuckboy. Fuckboy. Fuckboy. Faggot. Fuckboy. Fuckboy. Sounds like you're already doing it. Sounds like you're already doing it.

Like it, like it, like it, like it, like it.