Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 426-Pauly Shore-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 13, 2017

Oh s**t, bro! The Weasel is in the house. The wiser weasel has some great advice and hilarious stories from his days as an MTV VJ and international movie star.  Plus we get in to whether or not FARTS are assault (they are) and if Tom can sue Tina (He can).  You looking for free rent? Come over to my house and beat me, pee on me. Try it out. 

This is an introduction to my song. Machine with him. Machine with him. Machine with him. Machine with him. Yeah, I got a gun. Terminated gun. Yeah, I got a gun. Terminated gun. Machine with him.

Machine with him. Machine with him. Machine with him. Yeah! And follow the haters. Much love, no hate. And follow the haters. Much love, no hate.

And follow the haters. Much love, no hate. How about that? Back from the dead, James Brown. Wow. Machines within. I didn't know he could still sing like that. I didn't think that was an option and the least. But thank you, Mr. Brown.

Thank you, Eddie Bojangles, for this song. You called track. Sorry, spank. Gene, you got some 2018 stuff coming up? Yeah, I do. January 12th. Pasadena, California, the Ice House comedy club. You'll be doing a spot on it as well. I will be.

It's going to be a great, fun night. Get your tickets. Christina P. On-line. February 2nd and 3rd. Salt Lake City, Utah. Wise Guys comedy club. February 23rd.

One night. One show only in Calusa. At the Calusa Casino in California. March 30th and 31st. Portland, Oregon at helium. Right? Is that how you say that? Helium comedy club.

You're only on that one. Okay. Multiple choice. Christina P. On-line. How about you, Gene? I have one last show left this year. It is in Hawaii.

At the Hawaii Theater in Oahu. This Saturday, December 16th. Pull your jeans up. Put on your Hawaiian shirts. Aloha. That's it. That's it for the year for me. I am done.

What a crazy year. You probably saw it on other social media. I think I mentioned it on Pete Holmes podcast. My special, Disgraceful, comes out. January 12th on Netflix. Those are some bags and a chip. Chips in a bowl. Oh, my life.

That's big news. That's a great title, by the way. Thank you. Disgraceful it is. January 12th. Please mark your calendars. Please watch it. And please tell your friends to check it out if you don't mind.

Very excited for it. That is that, Gene. Much love. No hate. No hate. F all the haters. Well, that's it, Gene. Quick reminder that not only can you stock up on your mom's house, Tom Segura, Christina

P. Geer for the holidays, for your loved one, your friend, or whatever it listens to the podcast. You can get machines within, moose soup, bikes, whatever it is. There's all that swag. There's vinyl assigned. There's also, we sold out of Santa Claus wears jeans sweaters. So we made a new Santa Claus, Santa Claus wears jeans sweatshirt, a red one. We upped the sweatshirt material, like the super soft, really nice one, and 100% of the

profit is going to go to buying toys and gifts for Children's Hospital of Los Angeles. So check it out. And again, thank you for all your support, Gene. All right, we did a bunch of stuff and now we're back from there. That's a good one. You like it? What was that about? What was that about?

We took a break. We had to do stuff. And then there's other stuff to do. Okay. I'm glad to be here. I missed you. I missed you. You were gone.

You went to Fartnix. I did the second to last stop on this tour. It's crazy. And then we're going to Hawaii tomorrow. It's exciting. I know. What are you going to do on your vacay? Take it easy.

Vape. Drink. Just chill. Are you going to be one of those dads that's at the bar at 10 a.m. when it opens? Why shouldn't I be? I'm celebrating the year. The year's over. That always amazes me, those people on, like, look, everyone does their thing on vacation,

but that to me is like real endurance, the people that, like, I'm just saying like a Burt Chrysler, maybe, you know, at the bar when it opens 10 a.m. until sundown. It's a full day. It's going to be, yeah. Remember those dads on the Dominican Republic when we went there and they found out we had a porno channel and they were like, what? Yeah. They're so gels.

And they were eyeballing the girl that was taking our photos. Remember the cute young girl and he was like, check out, hey, get over here. They're like really dead and down on her. So sad when you become a dad. Yeah. Do you feel sad yet? Of course. Does that dad sadness creep in?

Oh, yeah. It's coming out of my pores. What is the dad sadness about? Just realized that funds over and, you know, responsibility. Yeah. Now you got to like make sure everyone's okay and make sure lights are on, food in the house. Just sad. Yeah.

Mom's sadness is there too, where you're like, oh, my body's destroyed and all I have. I worry constantly about something else. No more joy. No more joy. Yeah. That's so true. I don't think I really have fun. Do you?

Do we have fun? Um, no, we don't have fun. This might be like the most fun thing we do. Yeah. That's probably why we've kept it up for so long. I'm sure it's why. Yeah. Yeah.

We enjoy doing this. Right. But, but in terms of scheduling fun, a vacation is imperative. You have to schedule. Yeah. It doesn't matter where you're at in life. I'm saying like, if you go, oh, vacation is expensive. If your vacation is just staying home, not doing anything and driving to get ice cream

at night and that's your big, then that's, you need to do it. You have to take a break. Yeah. Take a break. I think it's better to leave though. It's always better to leave the home base because I've done the home vacay thing too. And then you just get wrapped up in your traditional drama. It's true.

It's not the same. All right. Let's do a traditional. Oh yeah. All right. Wow. Let's get into it. Okay.

I'm sure that I was taking a nap. He had come home farted at me after I, I just need to make sure I'm hearing this correctly. Did you fart in her face? Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Welcome to your mom's house with Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house.

I was just laughing at Twitter. That's all. What, what did you like? Because I had, I wrote a tweet it to that kid that got bullied and I guess it got tweeted a good bunch. No. I wrote, um, what did I write? His name is Keaton.

If you haven't seen it, there's this kid and he, he makes this, tells his mom that like kids are bullying me in school and it's really, he gets real emotional and he talks about how, how it's, the kids are so mean and he's like, I don't understand what they do. Some people are just different and she's like, what do they say to you? And he, he tells her like they call me ugly and they're just really mean. It's, it's like a heartbreaking video and since she posted it went viral and like everyone is inviting this kid to shit. Like Tennessee Titans are bringing him to a football game.

Right. I know his celebrities are on, but isn't that kind of bullying of the mother to post a very vulnerable video of her son? Is it, isn't that not protecting him and bullying him? Well, anyways, he, I see what you're exactly what you're saying. Yeah, I wouldn't do that. I'd be like, mom, don't fucking post that video. Yeah.

You're an asshole for doing that. But it worked out in this way. So he's got Cavaliers invited him to a game, three or four movie stars have invited him to movie premieres. Chris Evans, what's his name? Forget the fucking guy's name. And then Dana White invited him to a UFC headquarters. So he's like, everyone's reaching out this kid.

So I just stopped for a second today and I wrote, Hey, Keaton, don't get too, too full of yourself with all this attention. I will fuck you up and there's not a thing your mom or LeBron or Chris Evans can do about it. And that's it. It's funny. Yeah. And right now it's got about 3000 retweets and 8,000 likes, but, but the, uh, the comments

underneath it are hilarious because people are either being like hell, yes, and getting that that's a joke or, and putting like funny memes and gifts under it, or they're being like really taking it very seriously. Like, you know, you're what's wrong, uh, not, you know, that's not funny. Who made you do this? Like just shit like that. So it's just funny. And then I saw some guy, people were a clowning that they also started like a go fund me.

The mother did. So what happened? Cause I follow this Instagram account, Hollywood unlocked or something. And that UFC guy was on there saying that he invited that boy, but the mother was like, don't invite him. I'm not letting him go, but you can promote my go fund me page. And then he goes for what? And she's like, well, Christmas is coming and I'm a single mother and I want money for

my kids. Yeah. Fame. So she's really, really ruining this for her son, by the way. Yeah. That's not cool. So then other people started go fund me's for being bullied, but they're, they're making a mockery of it.

Like, uh, this, this guy here is looking out of like window blinds. Yeah. What's it say, Tom? It says niggas stay bullying me and shit and it's a hundred thousand dollar goal. How much has he had so far? He just created it, but it really made me laugh. So yeah, man, I love people's, um, internet, internet, um, things, you know what I mean? Like it's really healing the world when you take a stand against shit, like, oh, come

on dude. I think it's funny. I'm opposed to the terrorist attacks. Well, of course everyone is, I think it's funny that people take this seriously. That means that take my tweets. Right. Right. Right.

Dude, what are you talking about? Like, yeah. Well, that's, you know, that's what's going to, that's what divides us. Yeah. That's what, that's, that's the, you know, I tell you the internet is pretty miraculous and that it exposes the, the humanity of everyone and the, the joy and then the absolute dumb fuckery of, uh, I'd say 80%. I'd say we're at 80% retarded for, for the world.

What do you think? I think when people, I think the greatest, I've said this before, the greatest indicator of stupidity is when you don't process, when something is clearly a joke. So there are so many people that don't process, don't understand, don't register sarcasm or satire, irony, none of it, none of it goes through their head. That's the greatest indicator of a stupid person. That, and I would say the folks who belong, that God is, um, sending hurricanes or fires because of what gays are doing.

Like my mom. Stuff like that. Well, does she really think that it's to punish the gays and stuff? No, no. Like the buttfuckers need to be. No, she doesn't think it's the buttfuckers. It's that we need to be better people to each other. Oh, right.

Yeah. That's silly. That's silly. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, yeah. And then she's like, and you know, these hurricanes and I'm like, uh, God's teaching us a lesson. Huh? Yep.

Well, how come he doesn't reward us when stuff's going well? Well, he does life. The, what it looks amazing stuff, waters everywhere. Yeah. There's stuff like that. I talked about it on stage about her POV of that. I didn't do it this weekend, but I had been doing it and about how at a certain, like if you have this conversation with her and I at 22 or three, I am going to make sure

every point that I have about that is expressed and I know it's going to build into a fight. You tell me now that you think God sends the fires and I think about the energy it would take to have that argument. And then I just go like, I know, yeah, I know we got to be better to each other. Well, isn't that the essence of middle age or approaching middle age? I guess so. You just, you do the math of the, of the exhaustion mentally and spiritually that would take. Like the, that's where the, they're not giving a fuck is awesome at this age of your life.

Yeah. There's so many things I don't fucking care about anymore. I know things that used to really wind me up, you know, I don't, I just don't have the energy either. I could, by the way, it's so funny that this was a clip. I could charge you with assault for what you just did. It's literally, you had no idea this was what was planned. No, I didn't.

I did. Part of the show today. Hi. Vincent Posada is suing his former roommate, Carmela Ortiz, in the amount of $596. He says after pulling a prank on the defendant, she viciously attacked him. So his tooth got you. Yeah, it was. You didn't lose it too, but you chipped it.

Chipped it. Yeah. Oh, just take a look at that on the plasma. And she did. Look at that. Ooh, from the far. And, well, the recitaliation. I was simply looking for a roommate and my sister knew him.

All right. Well, how did the tooth end up getting chipped? Basically, it's going to sound a little gross, but Vince is lactose intolerant. And I don't know why, given his age, he's not in third grade anymore, but I like ice cream. Who doesn't like ice cream? I don't like ice cream. Yeah.

Your honor. I can cut. We're getting into that he purposely ate some ice cream, right? And he's lactose intolerant. So he knows what's going to happen. And he knows what ice cream does to him because he's lactose intolerant. And he tends to. I know what ice cream can do to you.

I don't, however, I don't like having ice cream thrown at my face. And that's actually what she used to chip my teeth. That is not what happened at all. It was a frozen hard break of ice cream. Vince, fly out of nowhere. Just threw ice cream at you. So you can already tell he's a liar, actually, I think. I mean, he's full of shit.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure that I was taking a nap. He had come home, farted at me after I, I, I just need to make sure. I'm hearing this correctly. Did you fart in her face? Moments before this podcast started, you had sat here. You recorded some ads. And then I said, Hey, I need to sit here to get back into this show.

You stood up and right here, you farted a disgusting fart. I farted on your shoulder though, not in your face. Okay. Let the judge explain some things to you. Well, technically, I guess in a way. Yeah. He did fart in my face. I walked past her and I was like, I had a face this time to be right by there when

I was walking. There's nothing confusing about the smell. Yeah. Did you smell my fart? Of course. It was horrible. What it's smelling. Anything in your presence regarding this farting.

Oh boy has there. So this is the sister now weighing in. On the fart. And that he's a habitual farter. That seems to be a regular part of his act. He did make a lot of fart jokes during his act and he does tend to fart a lot on purpose. You know, there's the occasional slip up, but he does think it's funny to fart on people. It is funny.

It is funny. It's not funny about that. I'm not arguing that at all. I mean, if we're in the court of what's funny, I'd say this guy wins. Yeah. Based on the evidence and the testimony before this court, the gavel is going to come down in favor of the defendant. Because of everyone that was talking.

And I'm real crazy about you. You're a little mouthy. But your sister, she was soft. So, but then one last thing here. Really ranking those performances, judge. That the judge says, I think maybe you should pay attention to. Whether you realize it or not. When I talked about the chain of events, when you farted on her, I was in salt.

Assault. You don't have to put your hands on someone to assault them. A fart is an assault. A fart is an assault. Well, that's interesting. We learned something new every day on this show. Yeah. Every week, rather.

So, did I assault you? That's what you're claiming. Of course. An assault. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. Right here. Did you fart in her face?

Yes, she did. What are the damages? What are the damages? I don't know. A million dollars. A million dollars for what? Well, it was disgusting. For my emotional distress.

Emotional. What did I stop you from doing in your life? From getting my mind together. There was nothing confusing about the smell. There was nothing confusing about the smell. What did it smell like? Let's talk about my fart. It smelled really disgusting.

It really did. Well, like what? Like sour shit. Yeah. Yeah. Why did it smell so bad? Because I went to the salad bar and I get my 1,000 ranch dressing. I make it at Gelsons.

I thought of another one, by the way. What? I'm not sure about things that we think we are. Yes. Like, you know, when you, when you like, like it came up because of tattoos, you're like, I want to get a tattoo like that lady. Like you'll see somebody with like half sleeve or some cool. I like it.

And you're like, well, then you go, but that's not me. Right. You know what I always wanted, want to be. What sounds like the leather bound, daily planner person. I was that person once in my life. I, I've bought them because I love, I love, well, I love luggage and I love, you know, let, like leather bound anything, whether it's a backpack, a briefcase. Like I just, I have like, I kind of fetishize, romanticize any artists and work, handmade,

handcrafted. You know what I mean? Anything like that. I go like, oh, I want that thing. But you're also. Then I get it and I, and I don't use it. Well, yeah. I give you stuff that's leather bound a lot.

I made a bit into it. And then you, this is. Wallets I use. This is you. This is a literally. A wallet I use. Of course. And you'll go, oh, thanks.

Put it down. It's gone forever. Hmm. And anyway, this, yes, this topic came up in regards to the tattoo I mentioned. I wanted my midlife crisis tattoo. Yes. And I thought about it. I got many offers.

On your nipples. No. On my inner arm. I thought you were going to do 2% vitamin D on the nips. It's never 2%. It's all full milk. Whole milk. Whole purple.

Yeah. And I came to the conclusion that I, I may want it, but I'm not the person who does it. Like meaning I think I'm that girl. Right. But the truth of it is I shopped the gap and I'm super boring and like, I don't have the I wouldn't say you're boring. I would say that you just, you don't identify with that. I'm, I'm too traditional.

Yeah. Like part of me worries about being 80 years old and being in an airport. Cause I saw this woman at the airport who was like 70. Yeah. With an asshole tattoo. She didn't have an asshole, but she had something on her leg that was so hideously inappropriate for her age. And I was like, I can't do it.

It's just not me. Yeah. And there's a whole slew of things I wish I could be. I wish I could be the girl. When they take photos that they don't smile. Like they just look like their mouth. Yeah. Cool.

But I always am like picture. Like I'm so, I'm like a Labrador. I wanted to be the get up and grind exercise guy. Like I exercise. I work out a lot. What's that? You know, I'm saying like, I work out a lot. Yeah.

But I've always read about and hear about the guy that gets up at like five. Oh, like, like, like Mark Wahlberg. I followed him on Instagram. He's up at four. Yeah. Just like, what are you doing with your life early? Oh my God. The day started.

Why? I've tried it. I hate it. It's terrible. I have to work out in the, I can work out in the morning after a certain hour, like at least eight. I'd rather work out 11 cause I need to feel alive just to do it. Well, I mean, there's people that wake up at like four a.m.

Fuck that. Fuck that. Their days start early, but they don't, they work. They start work at like seven. I fantasize about like being, yeah. But that, that motivated. That person. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. The guy that fucking grinds it like from the. I'm so. Before the sun comes up. Yeah. Oh God. That sounds terrible.

I, um, the girl I also want to be is the one that wears high heels and has like beach wavy hair. Like she, she wakes up early and she curls it. Yeah. And then also is really into facial treatment. Oh, I like her. Where is she? She's here.

She's not in this house. Oh, oh, oh, right. And then girl who's like really up on the facials and injections and like really into like that level of self-care. You could be that girl. Yeah. But you know how much energy that girl expensive and shit. Yeah.

I ain't got that kind of time. No, I'm, I'm into that. I, I also fantasized about being the motorcycle guy, like not like a fucking like a, a bike gang. I'm saying like, I'll see a beautiful bike and I'll go like, oh, and I've never ridden one. And I don't really honestly don't want to ride one when I like, when I see them here on the four or five and like weaving between cars, that gives me anxiety.

Yeah. What I do fantasize about is the open road in like Wyoming, you know, or you, you just see, like you just picture open road, maybe it's a, maybe it's on a ranch or something and there's like some dirt trails and I fantasize like that'd be cool. I'd like to do that. But then I go, I'm not going to do that, you know, but I still lose myself in the thought and the, yeah. Cause you'll see like a picture of someone and you're like, I could be that person.

I have to stop myself from buying, um, luggage all the time just because like especially when it gets more niche, uh, you know, I was like, I bought a suitcase for our trip and they're like, we have these backpacks, we have these shoulder packs. We have this. So every time it's any type of compartment that you can get, I'm like, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I could put pens in that. Yeah.

Like I, I just want, I don't know, I fantasize about being that organized, like that organized or just, I, I like compartmentalizing things in a, in a cool case, you know, I like a cool box. Yeah. It's almost like a gadget in a way, you know. It's interesting. It's not a gadget, but it's like a cousin, right? Right.

That like the presentation of the thing is like why a cool cigar box is cool. It's not the cigar. Now you like the container, the container comes in, yeah. That's interesting. Yeah. But then I, at the same time, I'm aware of myself enough to not overdo it. So I'll see that thing and I'll go like, yeah. And then I go, you're not going to use it.

Well, the thing too, I've realized about my personality is that I can only own like five things at a time because I'll buy, I'll buy other stuff and then I'll forget it. I'll be like, oh, I have that. So, or like, I just don't, I'll forget about it. I've got to only own five things. I'm with you on that. I also feel like I'll buy something nice, like a nice shirt, and then I'll see it in the closet and I'll go like, oh, right now I'm going to run out and go to the

grocery store and then, you know, run, I don't know, run another errand. And I go put on that shirt and I go, but that's two nights of a shirt for that errand. I do that all the time. Yeah. I'm saving the clothing for a special occasion. And then we go like, I do that all the time. We're going to dinner.

I swear tonight, but like we're not going to a nice. Yeah, I do that all the time. Like a regular joint, I should save it for, and then we have vacation. I go, and I go, but like, yeah, I don't fuck it up on the vacation. Yeah. So I better leave it here. That's the problem. I do the same thing.

I have a coat that you bought me, a fancy coat, and I haven't found, I found one occasion to wear it on so far. I better fucking find another one. I know it's such a bummer and it's the most beautiful coat. It is a beautiful coat. It's like really regretting getting it for you. Thank you. And I inherited these ridiculous fur coats from my mother when she died.

And those just stay in my closet. Like there is absolutely nowhere to wear a fur coat in Los Angeles. Sorry. Are you crazy? Only a crazy person buys real fur coats, like minks and shit. This is so bizarre. Isn't this is not an official dental update, but it's might as well should be. And brush your fucking teeth.

Please brush them goddamn teeth. I don't understand how you can walk around and not brush your fucking teeth. Your breath stinks and your teeth are dirty. No man, they ain't how we roll. You know what I mean? That is a. Is that a man or a woman? Jasmine Masters, she was on RuPaul's Drag Race.

Just making sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to clarify my confusion in my brain. That's a good idea. But I like the message I'm standing on board a hundred percent with her. Hell yeah, dude. I need you to fix that. Use a little Clorox.

If you have to, a little Listering, the brown kind, so you can get all straight through. She's saying she's sick. She's sick of foul mouth, man. You know, who's she hanging out with? I don't think she was hanging out with anyone to see you to see that. You just see people with foul, funky eyes all the time. And the problem is what if you're close to one of those and how do you tell them? Oh, yeah.

How do you tell somebody? In my world, you just speak right up, you know? In comedian world, you can. Yeah. You could be like, bro, your shit's all fucked up. His shit's all whack. I've told people. Who have you told?

Parents. Oh, well, that's different. You tell your mom and dad you're embarrassed about their mouths daily. Yeah. I'm always like, are you guys going to address that? And then I'd laugh. They just laugh. I know.

I don't know if they actually do anything. No, they do because they've told me. My dad called me. He was like, oh, I just left the dentist. He told me that like a month ago. Oh, he did? Yeah. And how'd it go?

I don't know. I'm like, did they rip all your teeth out? He's like, nah, I'm getting a clean ball of health. I'm like, you're going to a liar. Yeah. Use a little anything, but get in between them teeth. Brush them the front and the back, the sides, the in them teeth. She's got nice teeth.

Yeah, I was just noticing and flossing. She doesn't even mention flossing. That's the key to good dental hygiene. She probably got hit on by someone with funky, funky teeth. That's the problem. You know what I mean? It's like a event about, the venting about that happening. And brush it.

Chris smelling that people with food in your teeth. That's like, you please get it together. Just thank you. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's what happened. Somebody was like, hey, what's going on? And she was like, uh, she's just nasty.

You're nasty. Nasty. That's terrible. I'm always so self-conscious about that. Yeah. Bad red coffee breath and stuff. Yeah. It's the first thing I do in the morning is, I mean, I don't know how anybody

skips that step in the morning. Oh, whenever I was, I told, I talked about this years ago on your mom's house, but I knew somebody whose mother would only brush her teeth once a day. Yeah. And she would wake up, drink the coffee, and then go all day without brushing her teeth. That's real crazy. Real.

So then she would brush like by five o'clock and they're like, you need to brush way before, way earlier. How does it not bother you? That's the thing. She's like, I don't like, she goes, I don't like the flavor of the toothpaste. I don't like the taste of toothpaste. Oh, and they said, well, you know, you can get like cinnamon, different kinds. You can get chocolate flavored, whatever.

And so they did. They got her the flavor she liked. And then, then she started doing it. But you know, that's somebody's mom, bro. It's really crazy. That's a lifetime. Josh Weinstein was here last week. And here we go.

He promoted, I need you to kill the documentary that I'm in. I know I haven't seen it. I'm so bomb. I can't wait. Check it out. iTunes or a lot of people have been messaging me that they watch it. So thank you. You can rent it for a few bucks or you can buy it.

It's available on like all the pay-per-view cable things. It's on iTunes. It's on Amazon. On IMDb, some of our listeners got into the trivia portion of the film. So they're adding things all the time. Tom is a denim enthusiast who prefers to wear high, very tight fitting jeans. Tom lives a polyamorous, bisexual life with his life partner, Christina. They have a son named Jean.

Tom considers himself a mommy, just like Christina. As they say there, there's two mommies in one gene. It's stupid. Shortly after this film was shot, Tom's to grow up again. Cycle is a DJ named Dad Mouth. He gives his fans free tickets to DJ gigs, collaborates with luminaries like Obi-Wan Canole, DJ Ducktape, Ollie Zimzer, Young Patron and Caping Dad.

Tom holds a yearly comedy benefit to support the family of his dear friend, Bert Greisler, who lost his battle with alcoholism in LPC. Jesus Christ. Speaking of kill, Tom's favorite movie is Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer. It is. You just said that you watched something about Ted Bundy that you thought was riveting and hilarious. Dumber.

I saw the Dumber thing. Somebody tweeted you the Ted Bundy thing. I saw that on Twitter. Somebody said, is this a young teenage Tom? And it was Ted Bundy being led down some courthouse stairs. And there's like a kid in the background smiling. I think it was Vegas 702. Yes, I'd love her.

Yeah. Been around a long time, Vegas. And this says also that Tom's girl found Asia to be a maze. He was inspired to go on his trip by his spiritual advisor, Kim Ann. So that's really asshole. That's really, really nice of you to put that up there. Do you think that the Wikipedia's and the IMDb's of the world will figure out that this communal posting thing is not really bringing forth truth

in the world on the internet? Asshole. I don't know. Because my Wikipedia page says I was born in Toronto and that is inaccurate. Mine said fucking Dayton forever. I was like, what? Who's doing this? Who's Windsor, Ontario guys, Glamorous Windsor.

Windsor from the 513, man. They twat. Yeah. Come on. Now I'm not that classy to be from the TDOT. Yeah. No, I don't know. People can just add what they want.

Then it becomes a fact. I know. And then I do all this press stuff and they're like, you're born in Toronto. I'm like, no. I get asked the Dayton thing every week. You're from Dayton? Yeah. I'm like, dude, I went to Dayton the first time.

I was probably 28 and they were like, that's where you're from. Yeah, like Kim Deal from Dayton, Ohio. Dayton, Ohio. What is this question here? Somebody said, is Joey Diaz insane? Yeah. I was listening to a recent podcast with blown away when Joey made it to dropping a hot seamy brown in the shower and then physically picking up with his bare hands

and tossing in the toilet. What's even more perplexing is that minutes after admitting shitting in the shower three times in his life, he said, he is quoted to have said, this is true. You have to be an animal to shit on an airplane. It made my dad boner flaccid. When I heard this, I was confused and disturbed. I had to change my pronoun. Why does he think browning in a plain bathroom is so repulsive, but full on

shitting in the shower and picking up with your bare hands is not. I love the podcast. I always look forward to Joey's stories. Please piss on me and beat me. Try it out from Kansas. Oh my God. That's a new, that's a new greeting. Yeah.

Wow. That was hilarious. Piss on me. Try it. Yeah. Try it out. Try it out is the best part of that whole thing. Try it out.

Come over here. You guys don't want black guys. We're gonna fucking fuck real good. Oh my God. Right. That is you want to fuck me? Come over. You want to get out of prison?

You got friends in my building. Try it out. I'm gonna fuck a piss on me. Try it out. Seriously, I don't need to fuck, man. I'm looking for hardcore guys that mean it and want to do it. And I want to do it. Jesus.

I'm a hot fuck like trash. Come to the fuck. He's also like trying to say so much. He's like tripping over his own words. He's so excited. He's going to try to fuck me. I mean, it's really, really fine up for it. He's so excited to answer the email question about Joey.

It's because it's a lunatic person. You're asking to think rationally. Only somebody that crazy will go like, yeah, I pick up shits in my shower, throw them into the toilet. But shitting on the plane. Of course, he's not a logical human being. Well, Joey's got his own code that makes sense to him. Yeah, which is what's amazing about him.

Well, to be fair, I think every human has their own sense of what's decent and what's not. And that's just Joey's logic. It just adds up that way. You know, then again, you know, I think, I think shitting on a plane is horrendous, then again, picking up a loaf of shit and throwing it from the shower into the toilet. It's pretty gnarly too.

I don't know. Oh, yeah, that's true. Oh, God. I had such a messy brown the other day and I was so thankful for Arba days. So thankful. There really are amazing days. We are like, God, how did we even wipe before? It's like the downside of thinking about Hawaii.

I'm like, well, no, I won't be able to wash my ass every time. I really love it. You know, it's interesting, um, I was talking to you the other day about when I was pregnant with Ellis, how I could really smell things like you have that pregnant lady smell. And I remember when you would fart, I could smell the layers to it. Like some of it was nutty. Some of it is so cool, earthy, so cool.

I could smell the oak tones. I could smell the tonal qualities, the fruit. And then you go, oh, you're like a fart sommelier. Yeah. And I thought, what a neat, what a neat title. And somebody out there is a fart sommelier. Yeah, you are. What do you mean?

Somebody out there, you are, you're a fart sommelier only if I'm pregnant because that's, that's like a pregnant lady's superpowers. There's smell. Yeah. But no, you, you are a fart sommelier. I will say that when I go take, when I go in the bathroom, after you've taken a dump, your afterdump smells are sweet. Oh, I don't know what it is, but your browns have either a very sour

quality when they're sick, you know, when you've eaten shellfish or something. But they're generally very sweet. It's diabetes. Fart, yeah. Fart, yeah. And we're supposed to be joined here any moment by the great Pauley Shore. The Weasel. The Weasel.

Buddy, I had to say, I grew up watching him. I don't know, were you watching MTV back in the late 80s? Fuck yeah, man. That was nutty. He was so famous. Oh my God. Dad in the movies. I loved his movies.

Jesus Christ. You know, my dad's favorite movie is Son in Law. Son in Law was great. You've seen him in. Hilarious. And Son in Law was great, which is funny because my dad obviously has that cultural divide of, you know, being like a hardcore Hungarian. And it was so funny to always walk in on him, just hysterically

laughing at Pauley Shore and Son in Law. It's like, he's like, these guys are so stupid. He just loved it. Yeah. Yeah. So far, the foreigners really are into it. Let's take a quick break because we should be here any moment. Okay, mommy.

Let's take a break. We'll go from there. Okay. All right. So that was, that was exactly the right time to take a break. I mean, I timed that shit out perfectly. And I have to say he was on time. So we're here with the great Pauley Shore.

Thanks for coming over. This is exciting. What the fuck, man? I haven't seen you since Tommy gave you paid breakups. I know we keep missing each other. That's hilarious. But I've seen you around once in a while, but that's hilarious. It's pretty surreal, man.

Yeah, it's pretty surreal that you're here. No, I mean, for both of us, because we both, like we both grew up in the MTV era, because you and I were talking once in the green room at the store about, you know, a lot of the stuff you've done, but even with the movies and everything, if you go back to people that grew up with like MTV as like the cool thing, dude, the VJs thing is like crazy. Like for people that are, I don't know, under 30 listening or watching right now, they don't, they have no idea what MTV was.

MTV was the only cool outlet there. It was like, there's like, there's the network shows. There's like a couple of cable things. There's only like fucking 30 champs. Like whatever was cool was MTV. And I think, Polly, you tapped into it like with the weasel. It was like the fucking. That's not how you say it, by the way.

It's a weasel. It's hilarious. No, it was like, you know, it's it's like a viral video. It's like, you know, I did a Steven Miller video, I don't know, a couple of months ago, and it just, it took off and then you do another video. And it doesn't take off. And it's like MTV, everything lined up for me and everything lined up for what was happening at the time.

I mean, MTV was very East Coast. If you think back, it was like, you know, Ken Ober and, and, and I don't know. I mean, fuck, downtown Julie Brown, it was like East Coast, East Coast. And then Dr. Ray and Ed Lever, the other Dr. Dre. Yeah. And then I was sitting there. I'm like, fuck, I got to get on there.

And then it just, you know, I don't want to break down the whole story. But once I got on there, it was something that was completely different. And, and the timing for me, I was developing my standup. I was 17 when I first started doing standup. And then, and then my timing, I think I was like 20 when I got on. I mean, you have to understand something. Wow. I was on MTV in my 20s. That's my 20s.

That's why your balls are drained. There must have been so much box thrown at you. Oh, that's awesome. So wait a minute, you start doing standups. Yeah, my 20s. Yeah. Wait, no. And all my movies, all my movies was in my 20s. It's not like I did my movies in my 30s. My career, like, started to go down when I had my run in in my 30s.

OK. You know what I mean? That's after all the movies and all the all the stuff. Like, that's when I stopped getting offers and all that shit. Yeah. Do offers stop because of like a bad like because movies, the movie business is real crazy in that it's like just like in stand up, it's like ticket sales. I think I think I just didn't do what Dave Chappelle did,

which was he stopped while he was ahead for me. You know what I mean? And this should be a learning lessons to everyone out there. When your stock is high, like back off, you know, a little bit like stop, like, like, for instance, like I could have stopped after Son-in-law. You know, my dad's favorite movie, by the way, we just talked about it was fantastic.

It's hilarious. It's a fun. It's thank you, by the way. Thank you. Your dad's got good taste. Yes, it is a fun. It's a great movie. You made a lot of great movies. Yeah, I made I made some really fun movies. I like I like and I see my movies now and I love all of them.

But my point is, is that I wasn't thinking all I want to do is work. Right. Do you know what I mean? Like, you know, like they're like, oh, you're going to star in a movie and it's going to be about you're going to be on jury duty and there's going to be Stanley Tucci's in it and you got all these great actors in it. And and, you know, Tia Carrera off of Wayne's world involved. And I'm like, fuck, that sounds good.

Of course, jury duty sounds hilarious, right? But, you know, I didn't work good with the director. The the the script was weird. You know, everything was like didn't line up. It wasn't like it lined up on my other films. And because I was my name was above the title, I fucking suffered from it. Right. You know what I mean?

By the way, I've always wanted to ask this to somebody with your like with the experience of doing that. When you're making a movie, do you have the best thing in the world? I imagine that's literally the best thing in the world. Do you ever have any sense when the movie is being shot? Do you sense like this is not going to go well? Like, do you feel that on the ones that kind of you do? Yeah, kind of.

But then you also it's like when I did, I bring back the Stephen Miller video just because it was my last recent thing that did well, like I did that. And I didn't know I was going to wind up on CNN being talking to like one of the CNN news anchor. That was really funny for people that don't know, though. Stephen Miller works in the Trump administration. He's one of the presidential aides and he came out

and like basically took the mic one day. This is on the way of Spicer going out and really talked a lot of shit to a lot of the reporters hilarious. And then and then Polly did like a parody of it, where he had like the the fucking horseshoe the bald head. And yeah, it's very funny, man. It was very thank you. Thank you. Where can people see that funny or die?

Yeah, it's not funny or die. But my point is, is that you do things in you. You know, you can't control all the other antics that happens. So you can just do what you do. And then and then it's like it's in God's hands. Yeah, you know, as far as a hit, you just don't know. You don't know when you have a no, you don't know. But in retrospect, do you feel like you would have strategized

in terms of like, absolutely, I'll take my agents and managers told me not to do it. Of course, they're like, you know, even when I did in the army now, they told me not to do that because I had got a I had assigned a three picture deal at Disney and I didn't see no man first. I did son-in-law and the next day, Jeffrey Katzenberg, who is running Disney at the time, wanted me to do another movie there.

And New Line came to me with this other film called Totally London, which was basically me playing an au pair in London. So you know, like Polly Poppins, like where I go, you know, where I go over there, you know, with my my slang and whatever it is. And I live with this kind of English family and and we wanted to do that. But because I was in bed with Disney and Jeffrey Katzenberg, they wouldn't get me out of that deal. So Jeffrey says, shut up, you're going to do this movie.

And that's what we did in the army now. And in the army now, it did well. Like now it's made its money after years of it being out there. But at the time, it didn't do as good as the other movies did. So that was like, and then I cut my hair and I was so known for my hair. Yes. Yeah, that's a thing. Like, can we talk? Can we please talk about that? That's why we got to cut Delia's hair.

We got to take it out because he's getting too much babes, bro. That doesn't work for me. You know what I mean? Too many babes. Yeah, that doesn't work for me. So can we talk about that about the week? Though it's all because he I feel like the weasel, you could have found that guy anywhere on the Sunset Sunset Strip in that era of of time, because it was like the metal clubs.

You remember, like the Sunset Strip was kind of that dude very well could have been living there. Yeah. How did you? How did he come to you? Well, first of all, before you even answer that, can we start so that people know that Paulie, like where he grew up? Oh, my God, the craziest life ever. Like they like so that they know the background. You're your mother, Mitzy Shore, the.

Oh, my God. Yeah, it just goes out when you mention my mom. I know. He's just leave me. Don't don't bring me in on this bullshit. Leave me alone. She didn't pass. I don't want to be over that shit. So there is. But like Paulie's mom, you know, ran the comedy store and Paulie basically grew up at the comedy store.

And his dad's a comic. Yes, of course. And and I met your dad and and there's, you know, he's got Sam Kinnison babysitting him and crazy and Rodney and just as crazy as Rodney was the best. Really? Oh, my God. So hilarious. Just always. Oh, yeah, he was the best. I believe that. Yeah. He was the best and sweetheart and funny and all that stuff to Christina's point.

Do you at an early age, because it's almost it seems normal to you. Do you go like, I'm going to do this? I'm going to do it. All these people. Well, my I have two brothers and a sister and they're not into it. So it's like they grew up in it as well. I mean, you guys know you guys are straight comics. You guys are hardcore comics. Like you don't choose it.

It chooses you. Like like you live fucking in the valley. Like you guys have to drive to the comedy store. Do you think you like driving to the comedy store? No. Yeah. But you fucking know, once you get up there, you're going to have that feeling and that, you know, that especially you guys got to drive to the fucking airport. Yeah. And fly to, you know, all over America.

Do you like that? No. But, you know, what's going to happen when you get there, right? People are going to be there for you and your heart is going to be open. You're going to feel this like stress reliever, you know what I mean? So is your first time on stage at the store? No, I stayed away from it for about two years. But you were like, did your mom know you were doing well? I started when I was like 17.

I started when I went to Beverly Hills High School and I was like, in I was in it was in high school is at the beginning of 12th grade. And all my friends were going to college. They were taking the SAT papers and I'm like, OK, now I've got to start. So I just started Angel Salazar actually wrote my first joke. He wrote my first joke. So he got me, he got, you know, these I got these comics to start kind of writing me jokes, because I didn't know how to write jokes.

And then my dad took me to my first gig. He did. So you had your dad with you. Yeah, my dad took me to the city. Did you feel pressure because it was your father or did you feel supported because it was your father? Do you know what I mean? It can be either way. No, he was cool. You know, he was cool. My dad was cool, you know, but I always like, you know, it was

it was just one of those things that I always knew I was going to do. And like, OK, now I'm going to do it. But I stayed away from the store for two years. And then there was a club called the Alley Cat Bistro. And that was it. No, that was where I was my first. No, the L.A. Cabaret was a club in the valley. Do you remember it? Yeah, it's not it's not there anymore, though. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that was so long ago.

It's like Encino. Yeah. So a guy named Ray Bishop, who used to own it, Argus Hamilton, used to get me spots there. And then I worked with Jamie at the Laugh Factory for years. Really? Yeah. So I stayed away from the store. And then the first time I went on for my mom, I showcased for her. And then what kind of pressure was that?

Yeah, was that terrifying? Yeah, I was a nightmare. It was. Yeah, I was a nightmare. Because I also figured you're either going to be like, no, it's no big deal. Or yeah, it's a fucking no. I was fucking terrible. I was 19. You know what I mean? And did she tell you? Well, let me finish. OK, OK, no, no.

So so Paul Mooney and Louis and Paul Mooney and Louis Anderson were sitting next to her in the booth in her booth. So I go on stage. It's packed. Obviously, there's like a wall full of comics. I don't want to say they hate my guts, but it's Mitzi's son, you know? So they're like in the way back. So I'm like, I'm like on stage. I'm doing these really bad jokes that Angel told me wrote for me.

I grew up in Beverly Hills. My mom's in Mexico, whatever. Whatever I said, I say my jokes, no laughs. So at the end, I break out and start pop locking. Well, I have this boom box. We play Freakazoid and I put this mask on and I said because I was good at pop locking. So I started popping.

And then after I went off stage, I ended good. I went on like, how did I do it? She's like, stick with the dancing. My mom said, stick with the dancing. And then she's like, get away from me. It was like pretty bad. Yeah. So like it's not till I became famous on MTV. And I was like drawing people in the main room

that she like made me a paid regular. Really? Yeah. Yeah, I literally had to stay away. And then I worked with Keneson for a long time. But what about? What did you wait? Hold on. What did you do with Keneson? What do you mean you worked with him? You open for him?

Yeah, I open for him. Wow. That was cool. So is that the birth of the weasel? Yeah. How does the weasel come about? Is that the dancing? I have to say it was kind of like all my friends used to call me the weasel. They did? Yeah. Like when I was younger and then a lot of comics like Jackson Perdue.

He used to say you're a weasel. And then I was always like weasel. Like I'm the one that kind of came up with that. And then I was like, if someone could if that noise can actually occur, what would that noise sound like? And I was like, you know, that's where the thing came. And then I started like pausing between my words. That that was on MTV.

That was all. Yeah. That was like I would look in the camera and be like, check out this video, bro, because it's going to be major. Yeah, yeah. And then I started crying. The grindage, major grindage. And then I would just start making shit up. Right. And then I was like my own language to the audience. And then and then from there, you know,

I was like kind of had my own slang to the audience. No weasing the juice. That was from Encino, man. No, no weasing the juice. Jouy's juice. So so that's how it took off. The thing about it is like as a kid, too, you know, like somebody who's a little bit older than you and is cool.

So cool. And then and then when you learn. Because you're as a kid, it's like, what does that mean? So like it was hearing the slang on MTV, but then in the movies, too, that you're like, oh, man. And then you do it on the playground. You pretend to be. You do it at school.

Like we're all doing Pauli Shore at school. It was pretty cool. Yeah, it was cool. Yeah. That's why I was dope. It was like the best. I mean, it was like people are always like, well, oh, you know, I always hear people like, oh, why do you talk about your past on?

Not just me, just people in general. You know what I mean? Yeah, you live your past. I'm like, well, you didn't live my past. Yeah, you know what I mean? My past was insane. Yeah, of course. It was pretty fucking cool.

So you've been on a ride that most people never will. Never will. Can I ask you? Because I had my mother's gone now, but I had a mother who very much disapproved of me and never really gave me the thumbs up, the approval I so desired. Like, do you think there's a time that your mother saw your career and went like, yeah, you did it?

Yeah. When I started dressing like her pretty much, that looks good on him. I wish I would have a daughter. Um, yeah, you know, when I became famous on MTV and I was fuck, I took her to the MTV Awards. OK. You know, I was with dating a porno star. You were?

So she liked that. Yeah, she was like. Who were you dating? Is it a well known person? Her name was Savannah. I want to know Savannah. She's popular on the Stern Show. Yeah.

Don't they don't they play? She's been dead for a long time. She killed herself. Oh, never mind. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. No, but probably made hope. I hope not.

I was kidding. There's a difference, Savannah. No, no, this this was 1994. So, yeah, so, yeah, my mom was cool. Obviously, like so liberal and so like whatever. My mom never judged. And that's why I out. That's what I loved about my mom.

And that's like me. Like I don't judge people like if you're a heroin addict. Oh, cool. That's your thing. Like, you know what I mean? Like people have to go through what they have to go through in life. And and my mom was such, you know, my mom was such an artist. Like she was so she her heart was the comics.

That's where her that's her come on and actually started with my dad because my dad met her when he was touring in the 50s. And my dad was touring and he did a camp. He did it was a summer camp in Elkhart Lake, Wisconsin. And my dad was the comic there. And my mom used to my mom used to type up his jokes because she was because she was the assistant for the owner, the owner of the camp.

And she'd like, do this one, do that. So it was like a natural thing. Yeah. So yeah, yeah. So so that was her thing. Yeah. Did that. And that's so well. Now, I don't know if you've been asked this a million times. Forgive me if you have.

But do you have any opinion on the Showtime series? I'm dying up here. I mean, I, you know, I told people a million times exactly my take on it for people, just the people that don't know. It's basically, I mean, it's executive produced by Jim Carrey. And it's, you know, it's a play on the store. What do they call your mom's character? So I forgot.

Hot Winnie. Hot Winnie. Winnie or something. Goldie. I think you're right. It's Goldie. Yeah. So it's like a woman running the club.

I mean, it's obviously supposed to be symbolized Mitzi, but sorry. So just so people know. So when I see, I tell, every time I see Eric Griffin, I was like, dude, I'm suing you, bro. Like you're playing, you're playing it wrong. I'm coming after you. And he's like, it's not me. I'm like, dude, I don't give a fuck.

Yeah. Attorneys are going to, you're going to be getting a call. Yeah. Oh, God, I'm showing his pants. Please don't. No, no, I guess it's, you know, I mean, Jim Carrey, you know, he, it's his take on the whole thing. Right.

So it's not my take. It's not my mom's take. It's not my dad's take. It's his take. That's true. So that's the first thing. The second thing, I look at it, I look at it at two things. I look at number one, do I like this as a show?

You know, you're just kind of sitting there and watching it. And I think it's kind of cool because I like kind of historical shows. I like shows from the 60s, 70s, 80s. I like that, that era. And then you look at it as a show show, not really feeling it that much. You know what I mean? I'm not really connecting with people. Okay.

Yeah, absolutely. Like I like, I think they're all good actors, but let's be honest. They're not all good act. I mean, not to, not to disrespect any of them, but they're not real actors. They're comedians that are acting. So does that make sense here? Yeah. And I, because I watch the whole series because I'm in love.

I love the show. Like it's, it's about stand up. But I know these people, I think they made it too heavy. It was too fucking dark. It was like, I'm going to kill myself if I don't get on the main stage tonight. Like that was done with real good actors. Then that would be pretty kind of cool. I get, yeah, I don't know.

I don't know if it's the acting or the fact that I mean, imagine if like younger Sean Penns were doing it, like who was like our generation of Sean Penns and like and Robert Downey and those type of guys. Right, right, right. You know, where they kind of really become. So you think they should have cast. I think, I don't know. Maybe Ryan Gosling.

Yeah, I like him. I don't know, though. I don't know. I don't know. I think it's a fair take. I mean, I like, I like your take. It's a very honest take. And I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

Yeah. Um, but I'm happy that it's got picked up for a second season because it's cool for the guys, you know, for the guys. Yeah. When they got, they got, they got a gig, you know, at the end of the day, you get to fucking show up and act for fucking three months on a show. What's better than that? It's great.

You know what I mean? So the best. Do you, um, man, that's yeah, do you, um, so how did the doesn't know what to ask me, and I think he's finished. No, no, I, I, I, bro, bro, we do, we do. Ah, sorry. He cut that part out. If you don't know it, you slow it down.

So wait, I want to know how did his Steven Miller thing come about? Well, I mean, obviously that happened. But how did you do that? Just asked me to do it. They just, they just thought he, I do, I do find your dice stuff a lot. So I'm always doing stuff for them. So they just Sean Boyle, who's a friend of mine over there. It works with Mike Farrah.

They're just, Hey, you know, Steven Miller just did this thing on CNN. And we want you to play the blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, okay. And the next day I went in and did it and they put it up, you know, yeah, what about you guys? How did you guys, I mean, this is an interesting thing. Well, no, it is. And now you're right because it's not supposed to work.

I mean, you mean, you've sought, you've seen it with your parents, like two people in the same business, not a mom was in a comic. You guys are full on really good comedians that are successful and you're working. This is a sitcom. You got to develop it in a show for sure. We're trying. We're working on it. Oh God, it's great.

Finance it yourself though. Oh yeah. Hundred percent. Okay. Yeah. Do it. Lucy K. Did except for the other party.

No, because you can produce it. Get a young producer in there and just pay for it. Half, half. And then just shoot whatever it is you want. Edit it. We'll talk, we'll talk after this. Sizzle, sizzle it up, man. Well, I think Tommy and I work because we started at the same time.

Oh, that's cute. Tommy. He did it in your baby. He's a guy. He's a guy. Tom, Tom, that's a man's name. But we started, I mean, literally since he was 23, I watched him. I think I met you like when you, the fifth time you went on stage and same here.

So we were rooting for each other. It's different than like coming in at different levels. What about the weeds? Is the weeds going to? Whoa, whoa, whoa, we're talking about you guys. What about the weasel? Is he going to fucking digit when you're baby? When your baby came out, did you have to do three minutes?

Grab the envelope or what? Just Atlanta boys in the head to form. That's not. I hope not. Oh my God, there's definitely a show there. No, I think you're I mean, for sure, dude. Of course. But who would like on the road, who opens for who?

We don't do the road here. That I think that's in the secret Natasha and what's his name. I don't know how they do it, Moshe. Yeah, but we've always had a pact that we didn't do. We didn't do that dynamic because that's trouble. Yeah, better to keep it separate. Really? I think so.

Well, that's the first episode. And then you guys do it. It's a disaster. You guys are just filing for divorce. No, no, it's a good angle. It's a very Larry Sanders. Yeah, you know what I mean? So we'll never work together again.

That's the end of the first. Wait, here's the movie premise. It's 2018 and what's the weasel doing now? I think that'll be great. Well, the weasel is working on things. What will the weasel be doing now? Because you got a 50th coming up. Yeah, I got a 50th birthday coming up.

And you're going to do a book? I should. Oh, my God. Or a doc. I got so many things. I got two documentaries. I have. I have about three years ago.

I did stands alone, which was on Showtime, which is a straight doc. And now I have a doc series based off of that. And that's a six part series. And I finished that fucking. I think not to pat myself, but I think it's the best thing I've ever done. It's very emotional. I moved my mom out of the house. Oh, it's fucking heavy, dude.

It's heavy. Excuse me. Yeah, it's really girthy. I heard it down here. Is the weasel going to put a ring on this finger or what? Like, are you going to? With Whitney Cummings. You're going to marry her?

I'm trying to. Really? She keeps ignoring me. Are you into her? I just want to get her pregnant. Yeah, she's really into animals. You just have to start liking animals. What do you mean?

Are you already into animals? Dude, get her a horse. I have a horse cut. I won't say that. I don't know. I mean, it's like bungee jumping for me. Like, I kind of like being alone. I mean, I have a girlfriend now.

I've been seeing her for a while. We have a nice relationship. But it's really difficult for me. You know what I mean? It's difficult for me to just be with someone all the time to come home. Like, I like coming home and by myself, I kind of like that. Well, we were just talking about how we go away for the holidays to avoid family. I don't necessarily enjoy hanging out with all my family members.

And, you know, that's just your wiring. And I respect that you know that about yourself because there are some men that aren't supposed to have families. I don't honestly, my dad was supposed to be a family guy. He was. He stuck around. He did his duty. But my dad enjoyed it. No, my dad was miserable.

And my mom was miserable. Really? My parents divorced. My parents divorced when I was three years old. Yeah. But before that, I, you know, I have an older brother. I have two brothers and a sister. But my oldest brother, Scott, he's like 64 and my sister is like 62, 60. So it's like, oh, wow. It's a long time.

I'm doing my dad. Well, sorry about that. My dad's fucking 90 years old. My mom's 87. So it's like they were doing it a long time ago and then they stopped. And then they had me and my brother, Peter. So me and Peter were pretty much raised at the store. You know what I mean?

The whole time while mom was dating Argus and and dating like Danny Stone and all these different comedians. And I was just there running around. And Argus still visits her, right? Like, yeah, he's like very dedicated. That's what, yeah, that's very sweet. Yeah, it's very sweet. He was Gary Shanley, a visitor, too.

And then he left and he passed away. Not good. Not why are you laughing? That's not cool, but that's politically incorrect, bro. This what scene, what movies is from one of my favorite scenes? I forget what movie this is from of you. Black guys love to fuck and fuck good. If you're a hot black guy, you want to fuck me at twenty three ninety five.

If you want to move in, you can move in, but you got to fuck me. I don't know. That's not my movie. It's not. Oh, no, no. Oh, that's the wrong clip. They sent us the republicist, sent us the wrong trailer. I am my publicist.

Oh, oh, what do you got the fucking bamboozled? Polly, what do you think is going on in that clip? I don't know. I don't know who I don't even know that looked like Sandy Danto. Who is that? Sandy, we don't know. It's a guy on the Internet who just gave out his address and wanted black guys to come over and fuck him.

And if you're out of jail, do piss on him, come on him, whatever you want. Try it out. Trying to be a little PC since it's a family show. It's mother's house. Your mom. Yeah, it's true. It's not. You know what I mean? Yeah.

You like music, right? Of course. Are you a fan of the show Jigalos on Showtime? We haven't seen it in a while. I haven't seen it. Well, you know, it's about there's a bunch of male hoes on Showtime and it falls them around, you know, turning their tricks and their lives and stuff.

I haven't seen it. Well, one of the guys on there is a musician. He has a new music video out and they asked us to take a look at it. So let's give us your honest take. Yeah. I love this song. You do? Yeah, I like the song.

I don't know their version of it's a little. Oh, wait, you know this? I know this song, right? It's someone else's song. I don't know. No, is it? Yeah, it's wrecking ball. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, he did a remake.

I didn't know that. Got a good ear. Yeah. Are they going to start fucking or what? I know, I mean, come on already. I want them to banger. Beggers, baby. That's it.

That's all that's happening. I came in like a wrecking ball. OK, that's cool. Cool. Cool. All right. Anyways, it's no Lisa, Lisa. No, it's not Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, the one I adore. Yeah, that was funny, man. That was good.

I'm a stony, crusty dude. Yeah. Now, was Lisa real? Was it based on a real Lisa? Yeah. Where's she now? She lives in Nashville with her kids. Damn, mommy.

Yeah, you're going to try to make a baby, though, right? I think so. Really? Yeah, I think that that makes sense. To me. Yeah. Yeah. But I keep pulling out. No, you can't do that. You got to stop. You got to leave it in.

You got to full loads all the way inside. Yeah. I'm missing the vagina. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Can't do a half a load and then and then Jew out. Go, wait, no, I don't know. And you also got to you got to make sure she lays still there after a while. It's hard to not move.

Really? Legs up. Her legs up. I heard if you do it doggy style, then it's a boy. And if it's standard, then it's a girl. Totally, totally true. Is that true? Yep. So what do you guys have? We have a boy. Yeah.

So you did her dog? Always a dog. Yes. Yes, hilarious. So do you guys have sex in the valley? Yeah, we do. Do you 69? We were talking about people. Do people really 69?

Do you 69? Like a thing you do once in high school and then you stop. Long time ago, he's like, I don't do that now. Right. It's kind of weird. Right? What about it? But wait, you guys live in the valley.

You guys live in a valley house. So do you guys have sex in the valley and stuff? This is cool. Like you guys got neighbors and stuff. Yeah, neighbors. You know, totally suburban. You don't know anybody. Suburban. No, we don't know.

Well, it's because we have a kid. I mean, where the fuck do you raise your kid? I grew up in LA. I grew up out here. You grew up in the valley. I did. 818, man, till I die. Birmingham.

No, I went to Louisville. All girls Catholic, but I had friends. I went to Birmingham. Yeah. So you're in the valley. That's cool. But where are you from originally? Originally, I was born in Cincinnati,

but I moved. I moved a lot. So I lived in a lot of Midwest. I live in South Florida. Yeah. It's kind of emotional. And when did you start? Where did you start doing your stand?

Here in LA. Which club? Well, I started at like some of the bars. And then I got in at Melrose first. The improv. You could say the improv in front of me. It's OK. I don't want to.

I don't upset you. Dude, you know what's crazy is when I first started working the improv's, I actually put a guy in my contract. It was to I put a curtain in front of me because I didn't want someone to take a picture of me in front of the improv sign and show it to my mom. Yeah, sure. You know, because that was like a very big, you know,

feud growing up as a kid, you know? Of course. Very important question. Do you ever, when you take a dump, do you ever go right to the shower? Like from shit to shower? I'm not going to talk about that. It's not a good conversation.

Why? I don't know. This dude gets laid all the time. You think he wants to put that on there? I don't want to put that. It's a bad energy. Yeah. So you're saying?

So you're saying? She's talking about not even wiping. No, because she's done those jokes before on stage. Yeah, I know. What are you talking about? No, I have not. You've done some shit jokes before. I like poopy.

Yeah, but I'm just saying, this is your mom's house. We have to be real to the brand. Yeah. You know who I sat next to yesterday? Yeah. On my flight, sat directly next to me was Kenyon Martin. Who's that? I'll tell you exactly who that is.

You know who that is? It didn't get away, you know what I'm saying? I'm a player at the end. It was a questionable travel call. You know what I'm saying? It didn't go our way. And they made a decent play. You know what I'm saying?

I had a good look. I'm MC had a better look. You know what I'm saying? I mean, for me, I always just think of him as university Cincinnati, but he played in the NBA for, I don't know, a dozen years. He was a, I forget a bit of it, a journeyman, right? He had a few teams.

Let me look up his, so he's retired now, but I'm saying, he's, let's see what his career was. It big old fuck, six, nine. He played for the Nets, the Nuggets, the Clippers. Yeah, Bucks, a whole bunch of teams. Jersey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you like sports?

No, don't. Yeah, but he's one of the, because it's the, one of the all time, you know what I'm saying, So it was just, they made, they made one more plays than we did, man. It wasn't, the game got out of control and so they came out with a lot of hands in which we knew they was going to do. And so we fought. I mean, it's a lot of them.

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? For, for you know what I'm saying is, we always like to highlight, they're really great. You know what I'm saying?

So yeah, I think that's the open for your show. You know what I'm saying? You guys talk about you're in the kitchen. You're doing the kid thing. And it just turns into like, look, we're getting paid a lot of money. You know, you're like, yeah, but that's the one thing we talked about. We would never work together. You know what I mean?

Oh. And then finally you just say, fuck it. Let's do it. It's not a bad idea actually. Let's just do it. And then it's all this angst. And you go up there and something bad happens. You know what I mean?

And then like that's the end of the second act. And then the third act is like, you know, you kind of deal with it. And then like, you know, you start. I like this premise because that is the one thing we've chosen because, you know, once you do a reality show, it kills the marriage. No, you're not reality. This is a straight script. But I'm saying there's a reason we've never done certain things.

I feel like maybe unconsciously we knew. But the thing that's cool about it is you guys are both really talented and you guys can like do something different because no one's done it. No one's done it successfully. Right? Done what? The husband and the wife that are both true stand-ups. Right.

I mean, right? Is there anyone? I know that's true. Well, I mean, okay. Lucy and Ricky, they weren't stand-up. They're like vaudeville. They came out of vaudeville. Who's the, you're right.

There's not been two married true stand-ups that have done a show. I think it would be great. And you just tweak it. You know what I mean? Wow. Yeah. It's a good idea. But you guys already know this idea, but you should just get it done.

I think it would be great. I know. I'm working on it, man. We really are working on it. We really are. It's really, it's hot on mine. So the reason she asked you about 69 is this. So you want to talk about shitting and black-eyed penises and 69?

Yeah. What about six to nineing all the way over the black-eyed penis? Possibly. Have you ever seen that website, blackin.com? No. What? You're talking about black penises and you haven't seen blackin.com? No.

It's a website dedicated to black guys having sex with white girls. You mean, you mean blacked. Oh, okay. I thought it was blackened. Tom, look at you correcting, man. Okay. So it's black.com. Yeah.

What? Is that part of the dog fart network? Oh my God. Oh my God. What is happening? Maybe. Is this dark web? Is this stuff?

I've just heard these stories. Uh-huh. It's basically a website that's just dedicated to black guys having sex with white girls. But they're hot white chicks and they have sex with the girls in the butt. Yeah. Oh. You guys all have tiny little dicks. It's the funniest thing.

It's really like, it's like a new take on it. They're like, you think black guys normally have big dicks, not over here. And then that's why they can fit so many in them. Probably how many women, I don't want to ask the number, but I want to ask, I feel like how many? What was it like in the MTV? It must have been crazy. What was crazier?

MTV era or like movies after that? What was the combination? But like is one lane of it crazier than the other or no? Well, they both, I was on MTV during the whole time I was doing the movies. Oh, okay. Okay. It was like mixed. Yeah.

I was doing albums. Yeah. Movies, the whole thing. The craziest? Like when you go to like Daytona to do an MTV thing. Yeah. Let's talk about Spring Break. Yes.

Daytona shit. That must have been off the chain. It was the best. You're like, I can't come anymore. There's no more in me. I can't. No, I had this friend of mine, Tony DeSanto. I'm going to see in New York.

He has no Tony. Yes. You know Tony. Yeah. He's at the store, right? Isn't he? No, he's not. Am I crazy?

No, he's a producer. Oh, why do I know his name then? What did he produce? He made this. And from jail, homeless. Wait, I do know the name now. Let me look him up. He ran MTV.

Yeah. Yeah. Because I was on road rolls. That's why I'm letting him. Yeah. So you know Tony. Okay. So Tony was, he was like Sandy Dantos.

Who I'm thinking. Sorry. Go ahead. He was Tony's, he was a producer at Spring Break when we were doing the film with the Wii shows. Right. And they used to come to my room. The producers would come in my room to prep me.

You know what I mean? To kind of like, you know, they just, hey, this is what we're going to do. He was on the show. And he came in my room and, you know, girls were in there already for the night before and then he come out and then I'm like, wait, dude, I got to, I got, this is, he says this so don't think I'm a pig for saying this. I didn't say this. He says that Polly, blah, blah, blah, there's a splint on my dick or something.

Like I had a splint on my dick. That's what he said. I don't remember saying that. Ask him. But, you know, and was your game, did you have a game set up where you'd like, hey, like, go, go tell him what's up? No, he was, he was a fucking weasel. That's what I'm saying.

Like, but I'm saying if you eyeballed someone and you're working, this is a, hey, babe, that's it. That's it. That's it. Hold on. Hey, babe. What's up? And that's it.

Wow. For those of you who can't see this, he just literally rubbed my arm away. That's how it works. And I felt the electricity. Yeah. I felt it. Let's just find a room. Let's go.

God, that's so fucking nutty. No, it was, um, it was cool. You know, it was a spring break. You had, uh, who is that? Lenny Kravitz was there. Uh, Rodney was down there. Kenison was down there. Cheap trick was down there.

Black crow, stone temple pilots, um, find young cannibals, you know, and it was just like, you know, it was live. Yeah. That's what was cool. And it was an event. Spring break was the biggest event for MTV, so you had hundreds of thousands of kids going, going there just to be on spring break. You know, it was like nuts and it was live.

So it's like, you know, if you fucked up, you fucked up, you know, your whole, you know, VJ shit. Yeah. You know, you just, that's how it was. Did you love the gig? It was a great gig, right? It's the best. Yeah.

Yeah. Because it was like, you felt like a rock star, you know? Yeah. Yeah. So it was, uh, I was so lucky. It was very fortunate. That's very cool. Um, okay.

So the reason she's bringing up 69, it's an important reason. So when my dad turned 70 this summer, my mother, who's a foreigner, she's from Peru. She, uh, why you have white stuff over your nose? It is. It's totally. Yeah. We asked her, we said, dad's turning 70 tomorrow, we'll use 69 him before he turns 70. And it became like a joke at the dinner table because she also didn't know what that meant.

Right. So it was like a funny thing and people started doing it. So anyways, we told our audience about that and they have been recording their families asking the same question and sending in the clips. Oh my God. We have some here. Oh, that's hilarious. That's so gross.

How, how old did you turn today? 69. 69. Um, so before you turn 70, like on the last night, are you going to try to 69 one more time? I don't think so. With what? My dogs?

Are you going to keep them jeans high and tight? So that's Alec and Bailey. That's fantastic. She had a good attitude. She did have a good attitude. Some moms are like, shut it down. Yes. Hey grandma.

Oh, that's hilarious. Grandma. Grandma. Go. Grandma, are you going to 69 moving to celebrate? John. It's just 69. See, somebody yelled at them.

John. So that was like, stop. Yeah, stop doing that. They're reprimanding. They're reprimanding. For the fun. Yeah. Stop having fun.

To celebrate his last night being 69. Do you think you guys were 69? And you're not? Hey, guys. Hey, great. No, man. That's, that's good what you mean. Dad, what do you think?

I don't think so. Why not? Okay. There you go. Because he don't eat nothing but hair on it. That is fantastic, Katie. That's a good one. Thank you, Katie, for saying that.

We don't usually have the women record. They've been, guys have been sending it in. No. But Katie sent it in. So thank you for that. Her dad don't eat nothing but hair on it. That was a good response actually. It was a good mom.

They're in Alabama. I don't know what to say. Denon here. Do you think for dad's 70th birthday to celebrate, you guys are going to 69? What do you think, dad? What the fuck is wrong with you? I love you guys. Those are my favorite responses I think when they're just like, why are you being a child?

Like, why are you doing this, juvenile? Stop having fun. You should have pushed him along. No, dad, for real. I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. Dad, for real. I know. You're hilarious.

No, for real, you guys should. It's the last time. Don't you think? Yeah. Good, Benji? Thank you. So on dad's 69th birthday, the last day of his 69th year right before he turned 70. Exactly.

What? Are you guys going to go out with a bang in 69 and one last time? Do you even know what that is? Yeah. Do you do it? Every night? No, every night. They're so embarrassed.

I don't do it, but I've done it. I don't do it, but I've done it, she said. Look how excited dad is. What about the guy, the little terrorist guy in the corner? He's like joining ISIS. No, it looks like my friend Rami. Yeah. Rami, what's up?

Rami. Such a bummer. So that was Benji. We got a couple more here. I have a question to ask you. Krista. So you and dad are getting older? Oh, this is fantastic.

And dad's not in this. Dad's about to, he's not about to turn 70, but he is in his 70s, so. He's not in his 70s. He's about to be in his 70s, so. In his 60s. The night before his 70th birthday, when he's 69, are you in 69 on his 69th? Why would you ask your mother that? Why would you send her to counseling?

But are you going to? I don't know about that. I don't think I'm going to discuss this with you. She turns on a fucking leaf blower. I think she's going to do it. Oh, geez. She's like, she's kind of horny. She's so pissed.

She's kind of horny, right? What about me? I'm 49. What about me? What am I going to do on my 50th? Oh, yeah. What is that? 50th is a big one.

Yeah, but what do you do? 50th, I think you have to do. Sexual stuff. You do have to do sexual stuff. What do you do? Have you been pegged? What does that mean? Like a girl straps on a little.

And puts in my butt? Yeah. But also like reaches around and cranks one out for you? No. That's a big 50th thing. Really? Yeah. Would you not let a girl do that?

Maybe if I was wasted. There you go. Yeah. But you're going to be on your 50th. If I put like some muscle relaxers in my body, you know what I mean? You have to relax for something like that to go down. I don't do butt sex, but there's a reason. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. So I'm tight. I love how she got really. She said, I'm going to send you in a counseling. Yeah. Right? I'm going to be in the 70s.

So the night before his 70th birthday, when he's 69, are you going to 69 on his 69? Why would you ask your mother that? That will send you into counseling. But are you going to? I think that's real. Like they've had that conversation before. Like every time you get out of line, Krista, we're sending you back to counseling. Again, a woman, Krista.

But I like that she did the polytechnique of following up. But are you going to? Are you going to? That's the whole key. Yeah. You gotta push it. Yeah. You gotta push it.

69, 69, 70. Yeah. It's a good time. It is great. I had that clip pulled that you asked me to pull from CNN. This is hilarious. This was in regard. I think was this about the fires?

Is that what's going on here? I don't know. Oh my God. Fires. No, this happened in Tampa. Sorry. In Tampa. They had a serial killer, an arrest because they had a serial killer there.

Killed some people earlier this year. Anyways, there's a sign language person that, you know, they do for like big press conferences or something. So this woman just came in and she's not a sign language interpreter and just. She did it. It happened again. Another sign language interpreter accused of signing total gibberish. Signing what?

Gibberish. She's not just going to ask for the Tampa serial killings. We will be charging four counts of first degree murder. That's hilarious. Standing off to the side, apparently translating every word this woman. Isn't that hilarious? So she did it wrong. She doesn't do sign language.

She doesn't do it at all. She's just like. She just made it up. They're having fun. Oh, that's hilarious. Why would you do that? I wonder. 5,000 tips in this thing.

Five? Now, much of what she was deciding was nonsense. She waved her arms around like she was singing Jingle Bell. Sign language expert. The woman identified as Durlin Roberts has a string of arrests. So how did she come to be translating at last week's high profile police news conference? I just didn't ask enough questions. Tampa police public information officer Steve Hagerty told me the woman simply showed up

out of the blue and offered her services. My immediate reaction was I didn't call for a sign language interpreter, but that's great that we have one here. I let her in. Did this woman appear to know what she was doing? To the untrained eye. And that would include mine. I didn't see any problems.

Hilarious. Oh my God. Who would motivate somebody? Is it a money thing? She's been arrested. She's probably got a sense of humor. Maybe she's like, I'll fuck with the police. Yeah.

She's got a sense of humor. I'm gonna fuck with these motherfuckers. Yeah. Shit. Well, I say shit. Three months after it was revealed that the sign language interpreter and her curcane Irma. Is this guy a bad guy too?

Yeah. He's speaking it too. Time to act is now. He's like, no. Hilarious. Coming up, latest news. We won't be using that woman again. Oh, really?

Of course. I say this was not a crime, but it was an ethical violation. Yeah. That's the things they, they, they asked, I saw that in the news that day. They're like, there's nothing like. There's no charge. Yeah. She's just annoyed the shit out of everything.

She's just an asshole. Everybody that's like, I don't, I can't hear. The crazy is her track, her criminal record. Yeah. She's legit criminal. Yeah. Yeah. She really is.

We like that. Our house alarms going off. Hold on. Our house alarm is? She slammed the door too hard. Oh, who's she? Oh boy. We can talk about her now when she leaves.

Now let's talk some shit. Yeah. Damn it. Let's get those black penises up here. Yeah, man. So what do you think? About the, yeah. Black Dix?

Yeah. I watched that shit. Yeah. It's crazy. Is that your site? Is that your go-to? Yeah, it's my go-to. Is it really?

Yeah. Cause I'm in shock. I can't believe it. How, what, how, how hard they give it to them? That, well, when I was growing up, when we used to watch Pornos, it was like, it was, it was like a taboo. Interracial? Yeah.

It's like a taboo. And now it's like the opposite. It's like a whole genre. I mean, it's like a popular one. Does it still freak you out in a way? Yeah. And the anal sex is like really bizarre too. Because again, when I was growing up, it was like a taboo to have sex in the butt.

And now like every single porno, it's like, it's like a taboo to have sex in the vagina. You know what I mean? Sure. It's like the vagina just sitting there, just like, you know, bored. Yeah, you're right. You know what I mean? The anal is like the first shot now. It's weird, right?

Yeah. I think so. I don't know. I never got into. It's so gnarly. Yeah, it is what it is. Was anal a big part of your, you know, sexual exploits? There's been a couple of times, but you always have to ask the girl.

Yeah, well, yeah. You can't just like put it in. No. And do you always make sure you have lube on those moments or no? You got to ask the girl. Really? Yeah. Sometimes you can like lick your finger and then put that in.

And that's kind of like a... That's kind of like a version of lube. You know what I mean? If you just like... Yep. And then... And then you just put the... You know what I mean?

Weasel it in. And you put it right in the rectum hall. Yeah. And then you do the passing the baton. Why don't you do a sex show? That's what I'm thinking. Yeah. A sex podcast.

You have... See, I think you have credibility. Here's what works. When people talk about a topic and they have credibility, you know? Everyone knows you got laid a lot. Fucking talk about it. Yeah. You can give people tips.

Imagine you with like a kid who's like, I'm going to college. I'm nervous. I don't know how to get laid. And fucking Weasel comes in, shows him what's up. I mean, what would you tell some 19-year-old kid listening right now? He's like, I don't know how to approach girls. What do you tell him? I bet you have good advice.

I would... It depends. I think it's a case by case. That's fair. It depends on what the person look like. Yeah. It depends on what the vibe of the person was. Let's say they're just a little insecure and they are a little overweight.

And they're, you know, they just don't have any experience. So they don't know what to do. But there's cute girls walking around campus. And they're like, I listen to podcasts. Well, I would definitely say the laugh thing. Definitely try to make them laugh. There you go. I think that's important.

I'm trying to get Polly to talk. So laugh on black penises. You know, if you see a black penis, you just laugh at it. Yeah. That's what he was saying. I was saying that. But he said he can give advice to guys that want to get laid. You know?

Yeah. That'd be a great podcast topic. Actually, yeah. Teaching dudes how to get laid. You guys can do the show, the show that's going to be on FX. Cause Louie's not there anymore. You could take that slot. Good.

Right? Yeah. And then I can, I can do my podcast from here. That's true. With your neighborhood kids. Yeah. Coming in here. I can teach them how to get laid.

Yeah. That's a great idea. What do you think about that? Mr. Weasel. Yeah. Mr. Weasel. I think laughing is the first and foremost, you know, disarming the babes. You got to have the babes laugh.

Yeah. You got to disarm the babes. He was just saying, like, if he had a, if there's a 19 year old kid, how, and I said, what's the case by case? Like, what does the kid look like? And he's like, go to his little chubby, little insecure. And I'm like, we'll probably make the girl laugh. Something silly.

Always. Yeah. Always go for laughs. You know, girls always say that horse shit on their profiles. Like, I just want a guy that can make me laugh. That's always number one. Yeah. I don't know if that's true, but they say that.

Yeah. They do want to make, I think the laughing thing is true. That is true. You got to follow up. You got to follow up for the clothes. Maybe they can also get a penis enlargement too. So once, because once a girl has a really nice penis, usually she goes back to it. Right.

You know, it's kind of like familiar territory. It's very true. You know what I mean? Before you were the wheeze on MTV and. I was the skis on VH1. Were you getting laid? Pretty well before that. Yeah.

You had a good game. You had the hair. You had the full head of hair. I don't know. My mom, my mom on the comedy starts. Yo, babe, come on. I'll get you some nachos. Free chicken tenders.

Hey, I'll get you some. Were you there all the time? Even as a, like as a teen? Because that's when it's even cooler. I think it's like friends are like, oh, let's go drink at, you know, so-and-so's house, but you could like walk into the store. Yeah. No, I used to, there used to be the comedy store Westwood.

I remember. Yeah. You never were there. I think people thought I was crazy because I feel like I remember a time when I'm very, how, when did it close? They closed it in like the 84 or something. I don't know, but I feel like I remember it existing. It may not have been there.

I remember it existing. I grew up here. I've been here since. Oh, well, yeah. Okay. Well, then you remember it was right, it was next to it was an arcade. So we used to bring my friends there. We used to do whip hits.

Yeah, that's so fun. Watch, yeah, and watch all the, and watch. My girlfriend, a girl named Leslie Zeeman from the Valley. She went to Birmingham. She was my prom, my prom date and my girlfriend in high school. And we used to have sex. Yeah. Yeah.

You guys have blood sex? Probably. She's from the Valley, you know. They all do. Yeah. The Valley. Jewish Valley babe. Those Valley hoes.

That'll be good. You need to give millennials advice because I do another podcast called that's deep bro. And I get emails from 20 year olds like, I don't know how to talk to people. I don't know how to talk to girls. How do I make friends? It's just, you know, it's different. You give out free rent, you know? Well, that was the thing.

They want to come over and yeah, they got it. That's a good way to get laid. Actually, that's a great idea. If you want to get laid, put out a thing where people know that if they, if they fuck you, they could live in your house for free. So it's an exchange of goods and services, you know? It's a contract. It's a contract in legal terms.

Yeah, yeah. That's a really good way to get laid if you're having trouble getting laid. That's true, Tom. Give away housing. Oh my God. I'm going to cook. Men from jail homeless or you're a thug. You want to come move in?

A friend can move in with you too, man. Free rent. You can at least have a cake. Fuck me. Piss on me. You're home now. You see me when I come over today and try it out. Try it out, man.

Try it out. Try it out. Makes sense. Yeah. We don't cook. I'll tell you the secret to our joy. Don't cook? Occasionally I do.

None of you guys know how to cook. Well. Well, we do. We just, it's, you know, who's got the time. We decided to do it, saved our relationship, real talk. Even when we didn't have the money, hired a fucking housekeeper. I'm talking Tommy and I were broke as a joke. We still had the $30 a week or whatever to someone else.

Clean up the boxers, scrub those toilets on the weekend and shit like that. Yeah. It just saves you the heartache. Have you ever lived with a woman? Like have you ever had a serious relationship? Kinda. Kinda? Yeah.

What's the longest? Um, this girl that I've been with for a while right now. Really? Yes. Probably. How long is it? Over five years. Oh.

Really? That's nice. Don't get mad. He's like, really? Do you think it's really good? I mean, do you think you'll get married? Little weasels? I don't know.

Uh-oh. I'm very, uh, you know what I mean? It's very hard for me. I know. Especially because you've been on your own for so long and you're, yeah. I like, you know, I kind of go back and forth with it. You know what I mean? Yeah.

You know. That's a real, it sounds like it's a real deep issue. It is a big issue, yeah. Do you ever see a therapist? Have you ever done that? Yeah. Have you ever talked about that? Well, I've done group therapy.

Oh, no. What about one-on-one? One-on-one, bro. Get in there. I don't know a good one. Wow, I know a great one. Really? I'll recommend you two.

Really? Is it a girl or a boy? Well, you wouldn't see my therapist. That's a conflict of interest. Really? Yeah, you can't have your friends and family sing. A female or a male? Probably a female.

Yeah. I think it makes more sense for me. You have more lady issues than, issues with women than men, let's say. Men, I'm cool with everyone. It's just, as far as, like you guys live together, like you have a baby. Like that's full-on, like jumping in the water. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, that's my issue. Yeah. Full-on jumping in the water. And it's like, there's something I really like about coming home and knowing no one's going to be there. And knowing, what gives you the most? And I think personal with her. Right.

It's not her at all. It's me. It's like, I don't know. It's just like, because all day long, I'm doing stuff just like you guys are. And then you come home, sometimes you just want to be by yourself. Yeah. You know? But I guess, you know, you guys do that when you're on the road too.

Yeah. We have a lot of away times. Yeah. But do you think she might give you that space? Like when you came home, like give you an hour to yourself? Yeah. If you told her. Yeah.

You know, an apartment in Silver Lake. So it's going to like, it's a one bedroom apartment. So it's not really conducive. Right. Right. You know what I mean? It's like, it's not like a big house yet. You know, but I think it is scary to get married.

And it is scary to get this responsible. Well, it's the jumping in the water all the way. Yeah. Well, because I remember when Tom and I first got married, there were times when I felt like I had to run. Like if we fought or something, I'd be like, I got to go. I got to head for the hills. And I think that's like a childhood thing that I had to resolve in therapy.

Obviously, I don't feel that way now, Tommy. But it's a process, you know, I think it's a process. It doesn't, it's not normal. If you're supposed to be someone all the time. Well, it's, I think it's a growing process. You know, especially if you've got some stuff that needs to be resolved or whatever. That's my two cents. Yeah.

I'd love for you to go therapy and talk about it. Let's talk about it. Real quick before you go, I know he's got to go to, he's got to go. Oh yeah. I go. Yeah. There's an email about King Assripper. I was visiting that Ashripper catalog and had a thought.

My old roommate was lactose intolerant to such a degree that he got terrible gas pains every time he drank milk. How funny it's tied into the other thing. The volume and consistency of these farts were similar. They're not equal to the Kings. I believe this may be how the Kings able to muster these mythical farts. Josh, you know about King Ashripper? No.

He's a internet sensation and he makes. This is why I want to get out of the entertainment business. Yeah. Yeah. For this type of shit. Because, because. Well, you're like, he's celebrity on the thing. Oh yeah.

You're ripping his ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can keep up with this stuff. No, I know. It's too good. Put that down. Down. That's, that's your talent.

Damn. That's just raw talent though. You know what I mean? What's he doing? He's farting. She loves it. She loves it. It's weird.

It just really tickles me out. It's absurd. It's absurd. He does. He does do this for. He does do a lot of. Who would ruin their social life and their prospects for getting laid? You know what I mean?

Yeah. He's ruining his life with these things. He loves it. See, I don't think it's funny at all. Yeah. But I think it's funny that you guys think it's funny. I know. I know.

That's hilarious. Well, he's legendary. And like that you guys are even putting this on your show. It's funny to me. You motherfuckers can rip ass like this. I'm farting on you haters. But he's like a big. He's into it.

He's really into it. He also does a lot of glutton videos. Damn, I'm having a big ass fucking breakfast. Oh, four bean and cheese burritos. Lathered with two big ass eggs. I don't like this much. And fucking six. Fucking.

Sausage and cheese patties. Oh, look at that. And he's got a million. That's about five. A thousand calories right there. I don't know. Sausage patties. He gets kicked off of a lot of the platforms that he's on.

All right. So then he'll, he'll. Sneak around. He'll sneak around. So he'll be on live leak and then he'll go back to YouTube. Then he's on just like a e-bombs and he's back on live. I fart in your face as one of his handles or Harry and gross. But I think you should look him up.

He's really talented. That's my favorite part of the whole day. Is you doing that? Or you can act in movies and create a persona that catches fire. It's just overrated men. It's got to become a cultural phenomenon. Are you just fart on the internet? Not for me.

All right. But I mean, I appreciate it and I'm happy that he's got so many views. Yeah. And you can donate if you want him to eat something for you on camera or fart for you. He'll take your donations. Okay. Yeah. So look, thank you first of all for coming over.

I know you got to go to this game. It was seriously fun to hear the insight on a lot of the stuff, man. Seriously. So your advice is to go the fuck away. If you ever get hugely successful, go away for a while. I think so. Especially when you're representatives and people around you. But I don't know.

I think that you're lucky to catch fire on anything in this business. You catch a wave and if you get as big as I got, so like this, it's good to go away. Yeah. It's great advice. I think so too. It's great advice. You can see a bunch of Paulie's videos on Funny or Die. He's done a number of them and you can catch him on tour.

You have any upcoming... When is this going to air? This comes out tomorrow, man. Oh shit. Okay. I'll be at the St. Louis Funny Bone this weekend. Oh, great. Yeah.

St. Louis Funny Bone. Yeah, it's a great... It's actually the first Funny Bone. Is it really? Yeah. The first one, yeah. All right. It smells like it too, which is awesome.

Yeah. Do they still smoke in there? There's some clubs where... Yes, I think they still smoke. Sometimes they have like a smoking show. And then I'm bringing Josh Martin with me. He's great. Yeah, he's good.

Who opens for you guys when you... Don't you bring someone or you go by yourself sometimes? I sometimes bring Matt Fulshron, Joe Bartnick, Jeff Tate. I brought Josh Potter to a bunch of gigs this year. He's from Buffalo, but lives here now. Yeah. Very funny. Very funny.

Yeah. There's other guys too I brought, but like this year Potter... We're going to find you a girl. We're going to find me a girl? But a fat, unattractive, unfuckable, not like a high... I'll say who he's about to say. Wait till our mic's over. Wait till our mic's over.

Holly's like, I got a fat chick for you. Yeah, he's like, I got someone for you. All right. Girl that works at door. No, no, no. Oh, she's great. He's good, right? I know what you're talking about.

She's really funny. What's your name again? She's a big lesbian girl. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, we'll talk about her. She's fantastic. Okay. Yeah.

Thank you for coming today. Yeah, thank you. And also thank you guys for listening. Of course, here is your song to go out. Lift your jeans up higher. Is this guy going to fart on us? No, no, no, no. Jason from Sacramento.

Thanks so much. All right, guys. See you next time. Thank you. Grab your jeans and pull them up higher than you ever wore them before. Now it may seem that your crouch is on fire, but your camel toe I cannot ignore. So keep them high and tight. You sexy tiger.

I want to see those thighs explode. Now turn around so I can see your entire parking garage at the end of my road. And forgive me if you see my mouth water. Don't mean to be rude. I just want me to bite because I've been starving myself. Now I'm kind of in the mood for some bone chum tonight. And if you don't give me my appetizer with some stinky sauce, I think I'll just die. Then I'll come back in reincarnation as your jeans when they're high and tight.

And if you don't give me my appetizer with some stinky sauce, I think I'll just die. Thank you.