Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 428-Live From Irvine-Your Mom's House with Christian P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 27, 2017

J-J-J-Jeans Unite! As we wrap up another year of tightly woven denim we want to give thanks to you, the little mommy. Hope you have a great holiday filled with love and rectal touches.  Here we have the last live show we did at the Irvine Improv a little while back.  Thank you all for being the best fans anyone could ever want.  We would fart in every one of your stockings if we could.   

So Gene, Merry Christ Mass to you. Nappy Jew hair. Nappy Jew hairs. Thank you to LMNO for this YMH instrumental. You got some new dates coming up. I do. January 12th at the Ice House in Pasadena. I might be sold out actually.

I don't know. Maybe there's like a handful of tickets left. There you go. So go peep that Christina Pete online for tickets. And then February 2nd, 3rd, Shark Lake titties in Poodytaw at the Wise Guys Comedy Club. February 23rd, Colusa Casino.

One night, one show only. March 30th and 31st, Portland, Oregon at the Herium Comedy Club. So check it, guys. What's up? What about you, Tommy Buns? You know, I have a brand new stand-up comedy special coming to Netflix January 12th worldwide.

It is called Disgraceful. Very happy with it. Shot it in Denver and it'll be out. So please check that out. Mark your calendars January 12th. Please watch it. Please tell your friends about it. Please tell people to watch it.

Let's get it popping and trending. It'd be awesome. Other than that, I'm doing some spots at the comedy store. You know, I tweet about it sometimes if you're out here. That was weird. Oh, my sound just went out. Oh, those headphones do that sometimes. Other than that, like I said,

I'm going to announce some 2018 dates in January. But I'm just scoping out some cities right now, trying to get a new hour going, Jean. OK, all right. Same as you. That's what's up. So that's it. That's girl.com for new dates.

And that's it, Jean. I think you should really change it to mom's cigar. You know, somebody suggested that a while ago. Well, I think it's a good idea. Maybe it might have been Giggity Gregg or something. So why don't you change your name to mom legally, but go down to DMV and let's really do it. As always, and especially for the last episode of the year,

I want to thank everybody who listens to this show. I want to thank every sponsor that we've had on this show. And I want to thank every one of you that actually uses the sponsor. You keep the show moving. You keep the train rolling. We genuinely appreciate it. Every time, you know, you hear an ad, I know some people are like, ah, ah, ah.

But then, you know, when you do, when you actually support us by using a sponsor, it's a great, easy way, obviously, to support. But it also, you know, we appreciate it. I want to tell you that. We thank you very much. I appreciate that. I appreciate you, man.

I appreciate it. I want to appreciate something else. Some of y'all motherfuckers don't even know. Hey! No, we've been getting gifts all the time. We don't always have time to get into it. But like I said, we got time right now. People, you know, you send us things.

You give us things that show. One thing that we haven't stopped to talk about, we've talked about it a lot, is that this gentleman made us a denim guitar. Oh, get it. Yeah. Gentleman. This gentleman named Steve Holznacht from Florida.

He wrote us a very nice letter. And he came to one of our shows. I think it's when we did that Breastballs Beach show. He's like, I made this guitar. And it's a real guitar. Yeah. And then like the, I don't know, the part where you strum, all that is in denim.

And he calls it the jeans machine. It is the original jeans machine. And anyways, I was like, dude, I can't travel with this. So he shipped it to us. I mean, is that... We have it here now in the studio. Isn't that just above and beyond anything? It really is, Steve.

So that's, that is really cool. We really appreciate the time, the talent, the effort that you put into it. So thank you very much. It's sitting here proudly in our studio. And I just wanted to acknowledge you and thank you very much for doing that. Machines with thin.

Machines with thin. Magines with thin. We got some other things. Well, you wanted to say thank you to somebody. Yeah. I want to thank a company called Mitten Maid. They sent us some handmade crocheted dog. I guess a dog scarf.

Is that a puppy scarf? Two of them, one for feet and one for bits. And they're so cute. Thank you so much. You can find this company, Instagram.com slash Mitten Maid with an underscore. Mitten Maid. Oh yeah.

And that's her, right? That's her here. Yeah, that's her. Thank you, Shantel. Super cute, man. They're fun. And she makes scarves for humans too. But I think the dog scarf is really my favorite thing

in the whole world. I love dog clothing. And also, I have this card here from Daniel Alonzo. And he sent us, I don't know what the hell he sent us because we have too many things here. It was a huge box, I think, full of many items. I want to say the Boss Hat. Oh, the awesome Boss Hat, yeah.

I think, I'm not sure. I'm sorry if I'm getting it. He does say I'm the number one non-binary hat comic in the world. Yeah, that's the guy, yeah. Yeah. And he's making a line of Jean Yamakas for Blue Band. So, yeah. He sent over a bunch of gifts.

All good news. Thank you, Daniel. So I thank you to many of you who have been so kind as to, to give us gifts through the years. A couple of things that are, if you don't know, on our YouTubes as a. The poop tubes. Brian Sickle cell says, we have now surpassed 100,000 subscribers.

What? That's fantastic. Thank you guys very much for that. And we added, we put the video up of the charity donation, the chopping for the toys. So you remember we did the jeans, Santa Claus wears jeans, sweater and sweatshirt. We took the profits from that and then some.

And pocketed every penny. And we have cocaine. Went to Hawaii. We, we took all the profit from that. And I said, and then some meaning additional money that wasn't in the profits, but we spent it anyways. And we bought a bunch of toys and a bunch of gifts for children's hospital of Los Angeles, but you helped us make that happen.

So I, I took blue band. You, you couldn't come that day. I had diarrhea, which you'll see in the video. You don't see the diarrhea, but you know, you'll see it acknowledged. Blue band. And I went, we made a vlog and it's up on, on our YouTube page. So check that out. I also wanted to mention that Sean Evans, the great Sean Evans,

first we feast, you know, from hot ones. We did, we have a video that came out. It's a, we're having a burger debate in and out versus shake shack. And that's up right now. So shake shack. A lot of people are commenting on it. Everyone, by the way, is like, why didn't you do hot ones? Dude, I did the thing they invited me to do.

Right. Like everyone's like, do hot ones. I'm like, okay. Do the tonight show. Well, they didn't invite me on that. I didn't get invited to do that. So I did the one they invited me to do. Now what, where is the shake shack?

I'm not familiar. It's a national chain that started, I believe in New York or on the East coast. I've never seen that. Cause there's only one in LA. Oh, okay. So you just don't see them as often out here. Cool. Just like in and out.

You don't see on the East coast, right? Yeah. Poor East coasters. Yeah. So we did it. Well, that's the thing. That's the whole debate. We had East coast, West coast throw down.

It always boils down to that. Yeah. But it was fun. We had, he's really great. We had a lot of fun doing it. I can't wait to see you. You're very handsome. You look very good on camera.

See, look at you. I'm just like, I think you get handsomer with it. It's so unfair because I've been with you since 1980 and you have not been with me since 1980. More or less. But I feel like you keep getting better looking and I just keep getting older. No, that's not true. Older and huskier and my tits get droopier.

That's not true. But you get cuter. Your beard gets all these nice silver whiskers and you just handsomer. I'm just a handsome guy, right? You are. Yeah. You are. I am, I'm pretty handsome.

I admit that. Yeah. There's nothing I can really do except just keep living, you know. What's it feel like to be this handsome? It's not easy. It's not easy. How many sluts come on you? Oh, okay.

What's this? Are we watching this? Well, I'm just showing it to you. I'm not playing the sound, but I'm. So good. See, look at that jacket. Yeah. Who's the other guy there?

Is that Sean? Yeah. Yeah. That's funny. So we had a good time. You know, I looked up on the interwebs, the in and out spread that they put on the burger. You can make that stuff at home. That's basically what you're, that's what I get into.

That's what you're saying you like or you don't like. Oh, well, oh really? The spread. I'm saying someone who says like, I don't like in and out. They're saying I don't like the spread. Spread. Yeah. Well, and I think the bun is really crucial.

It's like soft and crunchy. I'll tell you this. It's so good. Shake Shack bun is really good. Really? Yeah. It's different. It's really good though.

Look at those blue eyes sparkling. My goodness. Thank you. My goodness. Big flirt. Is Sean an east coaster? Yeah. Oh, so that's why he grew up on.

Yeah. Yeah. The other stuff. All right. Well, listen, you tripled these sluts out there. Yeah. We were in Hawaii. We had a great time.

I can't wait to tell you guys all about that trip. Yeah. I had to thank you to everyone that came to the show in Oahu and Honolulu. It's Oahu. Not Oahu. Oh my God. The way you get corrected all the time there. Oahu.

You guys are like, well, you're not in the Hawaii Island. Are you going to Bahia? To Mahuna? Like a, like a dig, dig, dig. And I was like, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, Hawaii. We've made fun of them the whole time. So inappropriate. I know.

Well, listen, we finally have it here. We don't have a studio episode this week. It's, you know, it's the holidays. A holiday. Well, your, your parents are here. Jane is here. I'm going to try to get Top Dog and Charlotte in here tomorrow. You got to because I feel like they're right for it.

Like there's just so much. We gave Top Dog a squatty potty. Tomorrow will be good. We'll get them in here. We got them a fart loading t-shirt. Um, but here's the live from Irvine episode that we, the last time we were in Irvine, we did this. Spermvine.

Spermvine, California. You ready? I'm ready. All right, Jeans. Enjoy it. Guys, happy New Year. Bye. Happy New Year.

Happy New Year. Bye. Welcome to the mommy dome. Pull your jeans up over your eyes tonight. We are all Polly and Bye. Make sure you get your moose soup and plenty of water. Now, please, ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome to the stage, Tom and Christina. Hello, mommy.

Yeah, that is fat. Let me open my bottle of water that I brought out. Anyways, what's up, everybody? How you guys doing tonight? Thanks for coming out. Where's your water, Tom? It's right fucking here. Okay.

It's not. I have a clear glass. That's vodka. Am I right? It's sober October. No, it's not. Boring. Are you guys doing it too?

Sober October? Fuck no. Yeah, fucking losers. That's what you are. They were like, no, who asked that Bert? He came over and he's like, hey, hey, push. How come you never do these contests? I'm like, because I'm not fucking retarded.

Yeah. It's not nice to say that. It's not. Do you want to be involved? In what? In the crowd? Yeah. No.

What about 90 minute hot yoga sessions? That's terrible. I actually picture you in there dying. I would die. You quit so fucking fast. I wouldn't like it at all. No, no, quit. You quit immediately.

You'd be like, well, that's hard. And then... I would do it if it was like Road Rules 2017. And there was like, there's a prize for you. Oh, if they're like, you get a motorcycle if you make it to the end of this thing. Yeah. And you can ride it through Vietnam. Yeah.

Yes. Yes. Yeah, of course you would. Yeah. What do you win for doing this, by the way? I don't know. This was the worst bet I've ever been involved in. Because there's also no stakes.

Yeah. Yeah. There's still no stakes. Yeah. For the weight loss bet, there were stakes. You'd be publicly humiliated, which you were even if you won, I should mention. You'd have your beard shaved by the other person. And you're supposed to pay for a trip.

There's all these tears of things at stake. For the sobriety hot yoga one, you're like, okay, what if I fuck up when I drink? And they're like, then you're just not the guy. And you're like, okay. That's true. Maybe I will get super drunk all month and just not say it until the month's over. And be like, I lost, I guess. I fucked up.

I lost, and there's no ramifications for losing. But the problem is there's no, it's all, it's all the honor system, right? Yeah. Bullshit. Do you think that Bert is being honest? What? No, right? I wanted the scram bracelet.

I feel like that would have been so fucking funny, dude. I know. Like a convict, you guys. And I think we could have done it, but like, you know, sometimes you see that look in someone's eye when they're like, are you really going to do that to me? Like that. And when I saw that in his face, I was like, all right, like honor system. Don't fucking start crying right now.

So, but I feel like we're all doing it, honestly, just for him. Seriously. No, really, that's why we're doing it. It's all, it's basically to get Bert to be sober in October. Yeah. That's the whole reason. Like everyone else is like, I'll do it too. It's not hard, but I'll do it too.

I think it's hard for Ari. Ari is struggling with the weed aspect for sure. And he's annoyed. He's really annoyed. Mumbling for his fucking distorted face. So chewy. He's ugly. He's not ugly.

Jesus, Tom. What? I can't, he can't help it. You think he's the ugliest of all of you? For sure. Really? You know what's crazy? There are women that find him attractive.

And I'm always like, what? Yeah. Like, why? And they're like, I thought I saw he was kind of hot, but they're always like, they're always like, be fucking chicks. I love how you always do women that way. I don't always do women that way. It's always the cum guzzlers that are like that.

Yeah, like chicks that would look at Ari and be like, yeah. It's like. Yeah. Yeah. Where's the cum? Yeah. I'm always looking for it. What do you think?

Like, what's his game? Like, you know how you always talk about guys that have their different game? What's that game? I think the appeal of Ari is that he is, he's not tied down. He's like really free living life. Yeah. So like somebody sees him as somebody, he has nothing holding him down from doing anything, like ever.

Let's go to like Thailand tomorrow. He does that. He'll be like, we can come back in fucking January. He'll just do that. So I think you see like a guy just living his life freely and just doing whatever he wants. There's an appeal to that. What kind of girl do you think?

What's the girl? What's the girl who's transitioning from like a bad place in her life to like, she's like, this will be like my last fucking, it's like, you're like, I'm going to quit drugs tomorrow. Like that kind of thing. It's like, yeah, it's like the last step before you, you go clean, get married. Like a girl who's like, fine, this is my last, you know, like unemployment check. What the fuck am I going to do? And then she sees it.

All right. I guess I'll do that too. And then, and then she fucks him and she's like, what the fuck am I doing with my life? And then, then she finally gets her shit together. Well, thank God, Ari's famous because of, I mean, if he weren't, there's just pictures of his asshole everywhere on the internet. Like, could you imagine Googling him now? Like researching.

Yeah. Burn what your ass smells like. What your cock and balls smell like. Yeah. His ass doesn't smell good. I promise you that. Smell like he used to. Yeah.

That's not a ham video. That's not a lot of yes. When you get out of here, Google Jew clam, Ari Shafir, and he has a real serious hemorrhoid problem. Oh, it's disgusting. Oh, it looks like a fucking, you ever seen like wildlife monkey ass videos? You know, when you see like a monkey's ass at the zoo and you're like, what the fuck? And like their ass is like that big.

Gapes out. And it comes out and swells up and it looks like a monkey's ass. Yeah. It's real cute. Look it up. Tom. Don't look it up if you don't want to throw up, but look it up if you do. I noticed you're not wearing your hat as the new hat comment.

Here's the thing. I'm so fucking pissed off. I forgot my hat. No. What do you think of this guy's hat? That's a hat. That's a great hat. Do you like that one?

Yeah. Is that what, is that what that would be considered? Like a conductor? It's a sailor. Yeah. All right. Fucking all the board. Whatever, man.

Pull the. Hi, captain. I don't know the sailing terms, but do that with the sale. Get it up. Scrape the jib jab. There you go. Do you sail? Scram the chum.

Do you ever go on boats? Once in a while. What do you fish? You do? Once in a while. Wait. How often though? Be real.

A couple of times a year. Oh, he can. Where do you go out of? Like where do you do it? San Diego. San Diego. Do you go deep sea? Where do you, where do you, where do you fish in there?

Off the beach. Off the beach. Like off here. Off here. Okay. So you're like a land fisherman. You what? You go on boats too?

All right. Well then you can. I respect it. I fucking like it. Yeah. I like it. But see that guy can wear that hat. Wait.

Why can he wear it? Because look at his hair. Okay. Look at the hair to hat ratio. It kind of pokes out like all cute, right? Like, and then look at his cute little bracelets. See he's got like this. Show us your bracelets.

Like your string. Oh no. It's a watch. Okay. I thought. You ever seen a watch before? Shut up. Like cute little bracelet right here.

Yeah. Do you know words? You look like, um, like Isaac Brock from modest mouse. Like you've got that kind of Isaac Brock thing. Yeah. Dude, she's basically hitting on you. It's uncomfortable. Yeah.

I'm real fucking hot for teachers, dudes. Me and that two year old that I have with you. Hold on. Let me take off my matching jacket. Weirdo. Not matching. Totally. It's so embarrassing.

What are you talking about? They're different colors. I put mine on first and then you put yours on, but then it's shiny. We look like a dorky couple. We look like a matching mom jacket team. I don't know what you're fucking talking about right now. Hey, you know when you tell me to eat the scrum? Yeah.

What is that? The scrum. What do you mean? You say, eat the scrum. It means eat my ass. But where did you come up with that? I don't know. I think I heard someone say it and I was like, yeah, I should say that too.

It's the best. He'll bend over. We'll be like in our room. Like at night and he'll be in his boxer shorts just randomly and then he'll bend over and be like, when are you going to eat the scrum? And I'm like, what? But I thought it might be a fisherman's term. I think it is.

Is that a fisherman's term? I think it is. Oh, you got to eat the scrum, matey. No? Is this your lady here? No. No? You guys are friends.

Okay. You ever go fishing with them? You catch the big fish. You catch big fish? What do you mean? You go deep sea fishing? Okay. Where do you go?

Really? Mexican water, she says. Wow. Get those big taco fish. Do those fish give you diarrhea? I get it. How big of a boat do you have to go on to get big fish down there? Yeah, don't you have to go on a decent size boat?

Wait, are you a... Does the more money you have? She's saying that you have to have a lot of money. Oh, no. I have like millions of dollars. I'm asking like... My God. What?

You go on the big boats. Oh, you mean because you have to go with other people? No. I would go like on... You're getting more and more elitist than your old age. Other people? Blah. Gosh.

No, so how many people do you have to go with though? She says 70 people. Jesus. Yeah. Fuck. What size boat is that? You don't know? You have no idea?

She carries for the fish. You don't drive it? Okay. All right. Okay, captain. Is this the fishing podcaster? Are we going to talk about stuff that really matters? Let's keep it fishy.

So... Eat the scrum. Eat the scrum. You should eat my scrum. Is a scrum your taint? Is that what you're asking? Sure. It's all of that.

Why don't you just get up in there and do it all? Let me tell you something. If I were the girl that did eat your scrum, you would never marry me. Like that girl is the dirty girl. That's cool. It's not. That's a nasty girl who eats the scrum. What are you talking about?

No, it's not. Fisher lady, would you eat his scrum? How? No. No, that's just for host. What if it was like... What if it was just the two of you and it's on a little boat? A little boat?

You got all this money now and you got all the fish kind of flipping around. They're gasping their last breath of air. The mood is set. What? Yeah. All right. All right. Ready?

Let's open the show the right way. Normal chicks don't fucking eat the scrum. All right. Here we go. Let's do it. Here we go. I have 5,000 ounces of my breast milk store in my freezer. My name is Elizabeth.

I am a mass milk producer. This shit is big time. Who is Ramsay? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Go mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura.

And Christina Lezitz. Welcome to your mom's house. Thank you for coming out tonight to the sperm vine improv here in sperm city, California. Appreciate you guys coming out giving us your Sunday evening. Lot has happened this week. People have died. Oh fuck. Tom.

What? You had to bring that up. What? Do you want me to act like they're not dead now? Tom Petty's dead. Oh. Yep. That's it.

Show's over. Ralphie May died. No. That sucks. Ralphie. And you know what was cool about Ralphie is that he was legit a nice human being. And in our business that is really fucking rare. Like he was always kind no matter what.

Right? Like he was never shitty to anybody. Super sweetheart. I would run into him sometimes on the road. I ran into him in radio stations a couple of times. Yeah. Like six in the morning. Nice.

Always the nicest guy. Really sweet guy. Sucks. It really does suck. I know. He was like, he was almost as fat as Bert. And then to see him go like that. He's just unexpected.

I think did Bert comment on the Instagram post you made where you were like, rest in peace, Ralphie. And then you put a picture of Bert. Yeah. He, uh, he wrote back. He wrote. Ralphie didn't write to me. Bert wrote back to me.

Uh, well, first of all, Ralphie, by the way, if you knew him, he loved when people went in hard on jokes, loved it, loved like hardcore, like social media jokes. He loved that shit. Like if you hit like a raw joke, if it was a good joke, he loved it. So I knew, I, my feeling was that he would, you know, he would like it. Yeah. But, uh, yeah, Bert, Bert wrote to me today. He goes, the post was hilarious.

He was hilarious. Uh, you know, but I, you know, he told, um, he, I heard him tell this story. This was just one thing. We'll, we'll leave it, but like Bert was telling the story on Diaz's podcast the other day. They did it. They did a podcast right after the night that Ralphie died. Yeah.

And Bert was telling the story, but like, you know, especially for like such the story guy, he got his own story wrong because I was watching it. And I was like, I wonder if he's going to tell the story. And they told the story about how they went on a trip together. And, uh, I think it was at Lannis in the Bahamas. And so Ralphie was headlining and Bert was opening all week. It was like a, you know, a big radio station sponsored thing. And Ralphie had been, you know, big headliner for a few years.

So he bought every meal, right? I remember this. Yeah. This is like when we used to go over to the Christchers house when I was an open like, I would be like opening for Bert, who's an opening for someone else. So we all, we definitely had no money. We were fishing with lots of people and we were like, we would, uh, we, uh, so we went over there and, and Bert's like, oh my God.

And he was like, he pulled me aside. He's like, I got a big fight with the end this week. And I was like, what happened? And he goes, well, we're in the Bahamas. Ralphie's buying us lunch and dinner every day. Nice restaurants. So the last day I go, we're taking you to dinner. And Ralphie's like, I play.

That's cool. And he's like, where do you want to go? And Ralphie's like, sushi. And then, you know, Bert's like, fuck. Because like to, even to anybody goes, I want to go to sushi. Usually it implies you're going to be spending a little more, you know? It's a lot. That is the most expensive thing.

Yeah. Like, you know, amongst, so then he's like, all right. He's like, yeah, it's on me. They get there. And I go, so how much is he, how much sushi does he get? He goes, dude, it's just like fucking boat after boat. They just bring boats. And Ralphie's so high that like, so like he's Ralphie,

he's eating more than he normally would eat. And he goes, and he's so high that he would like dip out. And then come to and be like, oh, I forgot about this. Okay, like that. And then he's like, like after four boats come in, he's like, we're fucked, you know? And then, you know, he just keep ordering, keep ordering. And then he goes, that bill comes. And he says it on that show, but the bill comes in, it was $1,200.

Which is, and you and I have done a lot of damage at sushi. Never done that. No, I've never done that. I mean, even out like no boo, like the nice fucking, and we eat a lot of fucking sushi. I know. I mean, and then he said that Ralphie's like, you should let me pay. You should let me pay, man. And so Leanne, the reason they got in the fight is that Leanne's like, how much is it?

And her goes, shut the fuck up. Yeah. I think it was, I think the bill was what he was getting paid to open that week. Oh God. Lesson learned, dude. Lesson learned, don't take that size of a person out to dinner. And now, but Ralphie was great. Rest in peace, Ralphie Mae.

And then that other, and then that piece of shit Hugh Hefner died. He died. I don't like him. Here's why I'll tell you why. This guy's so upset. That took his breath away. He was like, Christina. I know.

Okay. Well, here's why. Look, here's my thoughts on Jews. Jews. That was from his eulogy right there. That's what's, what's her name? Holly Robinson's? Yeah.

No, how? No. Hi, Robinson was on like 21 John Street. Here's why. I feel like those girls, first of all, you didn't get paid shit to do that magazine. You lived in the house. You bumped with like four other chicks, right? Yeah.

You get paid. I don't know what was the stipend a week. It wasn't a lot. I know the whole thing was like, you're not, you're not going to make the thing was, the thing was you didn't get tons of money. No. It was the prestige of being the, you know, the playboy living in the house and being lifestyle and, and being around him and, you know, being seen with him.

Right, right. So here's the thing. So then you get summoned to his room and all wrinkled nuts is in this fucking silk PJs. And then we got to watch a movie together. And then you guys got to make out while I jerk off. And then I got a butt fuck because he was butt fucking people because he didn't want to know this because bitch, I read all this shit on the internet because I'm fascinated by, I'm fascinated by it.

So here's my point. Who was like, and then he butt fucked everybody knows. I've never heard that. No, he would butt sex a lot of the girls because he didn't want to have babies. It was on stern. So one of them was on stern. Anyway, I always liked Larry Flint more because I felt like it was more honest. Like there was no, none of this horseshit come live in the mansion in this book.

It was like, spread it. Yeah. Yeah, Larry Flint. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Show me your clam. Can't see your ovaries yet.

Right. Yeah. And it was always this ruse of like, this is classy. Like, no, it's dude fucking look, bro. Like it's a Jack Mag and that's fine. But just be a fucking jizz rag. I still remember that like, you know, playboy was so much more popular. And as a kid, we would get our hands on a playable and be like, whoa, like this is wild.

You know, like the naked girl, you'd see like Bush and tits. And then like that first time you see a hustler and you're like, what the fuck is going on? Right. Right. Like this is the real shit right here. That's what's up. I've been fucking around with the JV squad. Right.

Right, dude. It's like you ate a del taco your whole life and then you go to Taco Bell. That's not the analogy I was going with at all. Okay. It's like McDonald's and In-N-Out. Is that the analogy? I mean, I guess. Yeah.

Like Taco Bell. Yeah. Way better than Del Taco. I would say, yeah, dude. Oh, nasty Irvine. Wow. Okay. On the fast food chain.

I go retarded. Yeah. That's what I would do. Dude, but on the totem pole of fast food restaurants, there's nothing lower than Del Taco, bros. Wow. In LA. Arby's. Arby's is dog shit.

Worse than Del Taco? Yes. Arby's is foul, man. Really? I've met somebody who told me that they worked at Arby's and like when they had slow times, they would take that roast beef and throw it on the wall. No. They would just stick there.

It would never slide down the wall. It's foul shit. Don't fuck with Arby's. But then again, Taco Bell. I love it. I like the flavors. Taco Bell, fuck you up, man. I'm making you sick.

I make you so sick. But I like the, just like the ratio, like the shell is crunchy and then the sour cream. The meat is dog shit, but the flavor is nice. Now, where do you rank? This is funny. I never. Go for it. I had this conversation until I was working in LA for a while at this post house with like

some pretty rough characters. And they brought, I would say like, oh, let's go to In-N-Out thinking like everybody loves In-N-Out. And these guys would be like, In-N-Out's for bitches. And I'd be like, wait, what? And they're like fat burger. That's for many. And I was like, what is happening right now?

And they were like, you like In-N-Out because of that sauce? It was fresh and delicious. And they're like, cause you a bitch. Are you a fuck boy? Yeah. That's kind of what they were saying. Fuck boy. I don't know.

Fat burger was good. I like fat burger, but it was, it had that weird spice to it. There's like relish and then something spicy on there. You guys like fat burger? Yeah. Yeah. Actually it's good. Who likes In-N-Out though?

See, I'd rather roll with you bitches and go to In-N-Out. Yeah. It's all about the In-N-Out all day. Yeah, it is. It's fucking amazing. Yeah. It is a sauce. It's just Thousand Island with relish in it, right?

Whatever it is. Yeah. Keep fucking making it. Cause it's good. Could you imagine just back to Hugh Hefner for a minute? Sucking on that D? Yeah, dude. Like that's what I'm saying.

Like free room and board ain't worth it, dude. Yeah. Right? I'd rather, would you suck Hefner's dick? Would you? Yeah. The exposure? The exposure.

Especially also, here's the thing. You gotta take yourself to being like 21, you know? But what's the exposure lead to? Okay. So Jenny McCarthy, I'd say she's like the most famous, right? Who else? Who's like a, who's a respectable star that came out? I'm being legit serious.

I don't know. Anna Nicole. Anna Nicole. Very reputable. Yes. No bell laureate. Pamela Anderson. Another.

No. No, you could be that one in 20,000. Pamela. There you go. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. It can work out.

It's a tough racket. You know, I think, I knew this girl from Road Rules. She posed in it because at one point they offered it to a lot of people, not me. But Anna. They didn't have fucking pages big enough for those tits. That's probably why. That's right. They'd be like, well, there'll be one tit over here and then when they flip it, you'll

see the other tit. Oh my, especially now. Holy shit. But she was like. The special mom tits issue. Mom tits. Yeah. Purple nips.

But this girl was like, I go, I go, so dude, you did it. Did you tell your dad? And she goes, yeah, he was like real proud. He took a bunch of copies to his work and gave it out to his employees. I was all. Oh, that's so weird. I know somebody not with that scenario, but somebody who has a daughter in a movie and it's not porn, but the daughter is naked in the movie.

And he's like, you see that movie with my daughter? And he's like, dude. Yeah, I did. She's really good in it. He's like, I'm so proud. I'm like, all right. Would you ever date your mom? Yeah, date your mom.

She's got nice nips. Oh no. It's so weird. God, but then I think like my dad's going to watch my Netflix thing and be like. Tuesday. Her special comes out. But thank you guys. You're very sweet to clap.

But imagine you did. God see Christina do stand up. Now we're talking. There you go. But on some level, my dad's got to be like, oh my God, I can't believe this is my fucking daughter. You think so? I'm talking about crazy shit on stage.

Like. Wait, what was that? What was that line? That's what you're talking about? That's all it is. An hour of dick sucks. Is that what it's called? Yeah.

One hour of dick sucks. That's your next hour, dude. I haven't named mine yet. I know. Like the chum. Scrum the chum. Scrum the chum. Eat my scrum.

Scrum the chum. Like, I mean, whatever. Anyways. Eat my scrum. Do you want to get to the breast milk lady? All right. I like it because it seems like it bothers you. So she says she has 5,000 ounces of breast milk in her fridge.

That's so much. It's so hard to make that much for me anyway. How long would that take you? That would take me a year. I didn't make a lot when I was doing it. It was so hard. Like just four ounces was a little bit hard for me. Let's see what's up with this situation.

Hold on. I have hyper lactation syndrome. My body makes 1.75 gallons a day. I have donated 700 gallons of my excess breast milk. That's twice the world record. Wait. Did you hear that? 1.75 gallons a day.

That's a lot of tits. Fuck. Dude, her tits ain't even that big. Like mine are big. Oh, shit. I could deal with these tits. They're like hungry tits. No, they're not.

No, that's a lot. But if she's giving it to women who can't make breast milk, that's kind of good. No, she's just selling it to dudes that want to pay for it. She's just like, like big tits. There's somebody out there. It's not fun. My breasts wake me up in the morning because they're screaming.

Please do something about that. Yeah, that's terrible. That must be what my nuts feel like sometimes, you know? Sometimes I wake up like, God. Is that right? Wake up, wake up. Yeah. That's when you're like, what?

I'm trying to sleep. That's what it is, the same burden that this woman has. And I try to donate it as much as I can. Do you think if we could pump your dick milk that you could? How much could you produce is what I'm asking. Not 1.75 gallons a day. How about one gallon a day? Of course not.

Of course not. I mean, I'm not talking out of turn. You've discussed this in public. You make a lot. You're a high producer, as Yoshi would say, a strong performer. I'm a very strong performer. Would you say you could do like a half a pint a day? No.

Do you realize how, like, am I 16 in this scenario? It is crazy to think about how like back then as a teen, so 20 years ago, you could be like, do you want to try to do seven today? I'd be like, all right. And I'd still be like, let's go shoot hoop. Like, all right. So what would happen now if you tried to crank out seven? No.

What? No. Like, it's not happening. No. It's not happening at all? No. Definitely not. What?

What's that? Do it for condom? That is such a good business that never took off, is cum gum. You remember, like, the choules that you, or tidal wave gum, you'd bite it in the middle and then it would burst liquid flavor. It would have all the different ethnicities, you know? I mean, it's like, we need more diversity. And that's what, it'd be like, oh, what about Indian guys?

And you'd pop one in your mouth. You're like, oh, that's what that tastes like, like that. See, I don't think the audience is really excited about it. They're not into it. No, I think now there's no way, there's no way, there's no way close to that. Seven, seven milks? Nope. Six.

Nope. Five. Four milks. I don't think so. Four would be like, if you were like, I don't know, if you were like, if you don't, then somebody's going to get a bullet in the head right now. I'd be like, all right, all right, all right. But that would be it.

And then I'd be like, I need to go to the hospital. I need an IV. I need like, that would really be maxing it out. What were we watching last night? We were talking about old dudes. Oh, yeah, the Versailles guy, the queen of Versailles. That long story. This old ass motherfucker was, how old is he?

78 or something? He's up there. Yeah. And he's still, he's still horny. You know, he's still giving like shoulder rubs to strange girls and shit. You're like, what point does that stuff taper off? I would think that that's what's so freeing for a guy to get old. And like, that you're just like, oh, yeah, it doesn't really affect me anymore.

The power is, the pussy power is gone. Yeah. Yeah, like we're like, a woman could be like, hey, and you'd be like, I'm reading the paper. I don't give a shit. You know, like, I would think that would be exciting, but he's still like 100%. And she's talking about it. His wife was like, oh, I got to fuck him all the time. She's like 40 years younger than him.

And he's like, hurry up, get over here. It's wild. It is. It is. I almost think he has to be manipulating that. Like he's doing something to cause that at his age. Viagra? Like drugs.

Yeah. Some type of testosterone treatment, something. Yeah. Yeah, some injection. She's way too horny for an old guy. Yeah. It's fucking weird. It's fucking weird, man.

Anyways, I'm going to try to start this just business, but I thought you might want to know that. Okay. Listen. Yeah. Do you want to see this girl trying to drink vinegar? Well, they can't see it. Good morning.

We're hitting on day three, day three. Now somebody has told me to try this. They told me apple cider vinegar and some water. So with that said, let's go. So she's trying to do this as like an idea of like a health regimen. Sure. Yeah. Now I've heard mixed reviews.

I've heard it's good for you. I've heard don't do it. Yeah, just don't do it. But hey, if we could try something, I'm sure one shot of this won't kill me, right? No. Let's do it. It's not going to kill you. Oh, this smell.

Oh my God. Oh my God. It doesn't smell good. And let's see what happens. Oh my God. What the fuck? I don't even think this should be in nobody's body. And don't drink it, dummy.

Okay. So now she's taking it in. Here we go. And. Okay. It's over. It's over now. It's over.

It is over. It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over.

You know what, Tom, when I was a little girl. Yeah. I used to love eating my boogers. Oh God. Oh. You guys ever eat your boogers? Oh. That's what she's doing right now.

When you were little. Okay. And I used to love the ones. Okay. When I dig really, and they were like crunchy on the end. But then like scraggly. Ugh. Ugh.

You're fucking nasty as hell. You never ate that? You are so nasty. Why would you do that? Okay. Tom! Okay. All right.

It's over. It's over. It's not. It is. I closed it. It's over. You swear? Yes.

It's over. It's over. You're the worst. I hate barfing. I know. All right. You guys want to do a new segment? So I forget all words.

We were in the Starbucks, and there was this fucking weird beard on his computer, just with his feet up on the furniture, like barefoot. Like, yeah, like this is my house. Fuck it. Like, no, it's not, dude. And so we were thinking like, that's so fucking nasty, dude, right? Like, can we agree that that's all, that is fucking nasty. But then there's stuff that I feel like is kind of borderline.

So I got this email, this guy's from Finland. He says, I'm recently hanging out with a bunch of friends with the discussion turned to pissing in the shower. My friends were sharing stories of how good it feels to let it splash when taking a shower. I immediately expressed my disgust, but was left completely alone with my stance on the matter. Turns out, all my friends dabble in shower pissing, and they made me feel like the weird one for not mixing golden showers with regular ones.

Am I in the wrong here? Tell me, guys. Is this even nasty or not? Yeah. Yeah, right? You're fucking weird, man. Of course. Who doesn't pee in the shower?

Wait, do you actually, does anyone here actually, are you ever in the shower, go, I have to pee, and then be like, well, I'm just gonna get out now and use the toilet? Does somebody do that? That's crazy. You do? Is that a man or a woman? Woman? Why wouldn't you just go in the shower?

That's hilarious. You know, you can just, there's a drain. Do you not pee in a drain? You can't do it. Wow. But the urine kills the bacteria on your feet. How many of you pee in the shower? Yeah.

How many of you don't pee in the shower? Wow. Wow. Imagine how upset you would be if you're a showering with your significant other and then you just saw like an orange stream come out. It'd be the, be the end of the relationship, right? Just stabbed with a fucking shampoo bottle and. That's nasty.

You pee on me all the time. That's fun. When you're like, I like it hot and you're like, Hey, that's real hot. What's that? And it always smells like coffee too. Okay. What about, is this nasty or not? Cause you just did this last night farting on the dog's head cause here's the thing is

kind of nasty, but then it's funny. So the funny kind of outweighs the nasty. Yeah. And like we have two dogs and one of them's into it and one of them's not. So. He hates farts. Yeah. He doesn't like it.

He's like, uh, farts are gross, but then bits. He's like, I like it. So it works. I know. The feet on the furniture thing is crazy in public or in somebody else's place. You know, like if you go to someone else's house, the fuck are you doing, man? Bro, bro. That's your own shit.

One time in college, I had a fucking like a friend of a friend come over to my house and she was wearing her shoes. She laid on my bed and put her nasty shoes on my pillow, bro. Yes. When people have shoes on, uh, like on the bed makes me crazier than any barefoot. Like if you're a shoe that you walked around and you're on like the bedspread, crazy. Absolutely crazy. I had somebody who brought their girl, uh, to a show and I'm eating in the green room

on the, and it's on the, you know, like on the coffee table. And she goes, do you mind and put her feet up on the counter? Uh-uh, bro. And I was in such shock. I was like, are you, like, is this, are you testing me right now? She had to put them up. You know, I was like, this is fucking wild. That's nasty.

Yeah. That's nasty. He doesn't open for me anymore. No. All right. What about blowing your nose in the shower? Yeah. That's cool, right?

That's normal. Yeah. That's not nasty at all. Wait, does somebody not do that? Clap if you don't blow your nose in the shower. Yeah. See, you guys are the freaks. That's the best place to do it.

Yeah. Where else are you supposed to do that shit? It's, and then you were like, you have that guessing game. You're like, is it in my beard? Is it not? Like it's always in your beard, by the way. That's nasty. Okay.

What about being barefoot on an airplane? Oh man. That's nasty as fuck, right? That's unacceptable. When they put it up on your armrest. Oh man. I did one of these ones where I did the, I knocked it over and I was like, oh my bad. You know, like I hit them, hit the elbow with it.

That's fucking crazy. That's disgusting. Okay. What about cutting your nails in public? Soup. That's no. Dude, nasty is here. That's super nasty.

That's you. Okay. That might be the top nasty shit. That's really nasty. Yeah. What about painting your nails in public? That's fine. I feel like that's permissible.

That's not nasty. That's not that nasty. No. Okay. I've done all, like I've done like almost all of these. Putting on deodorant in public. That's nasty, but I've done it. Yeah.

But I think that's one of those things you do, but you try to not make it a public effect. You're not like, check this shit out. Right, right, right. You're just like, I got to do this and you try to conceal it a little bit. Right? Yes. Yes. Here's what I used to do for my first years in comedy.

I would be so nervous and sweaty that I would have comedy deodorant like in my car. So when I'd roll up to like the laugh factory, I'd fucking reach on the side pocket and put deodorant like extra on. Yeah. I mean, that's not that nasty. I don't think that's super nasty. Yeah. No.

That's not that bad. I've never, I don't smell so I've never had that issue. Oh, stop. Now, what about spitting in public? Spitting? But culturally, like Asian cultures do it and it's fine. Just all of the Asian world? Chinese people spit on them all over the place.

Oh. No, it's true. I had a Chinese ex-boyfriend and he would tell me all the time, they spit everywhere. I think spitting, like, spitting is one of those things where like sometimes you have to do it. I feel like it's not as nasty if you at least make an effort to spit on grass or bush, like something, you know what I mean? Yeah. And if you're like, oh, here's the fucking concrete.

That's the difference. Like, you're a piece of shit, you know? Yeah. And also some people, like, I've been out to lunch with people who, you walk out of the restaurant, they're like, yeah, so we should. Yeah. And then you're like, I want to be like, fuck you, dude, it's our last lunch. We're not doing this again.

That's the nastiest, the hocking one. That's super nasty, though. Yeah, that's nasty. Tell me all your nasty videos. There you go. All right, that's all I got. What about your booger thing? What about the booger thing?

You started with boogers. Well, picking your nose in the car, in your own car. First of all, everybody picks. Don't act like you don't pick. Everybody picks. The car's the best place to pick. And then what's your technique? Because I like to go...

Oh, my God, that one's the best. And then if I don't get it, then I wipe it like that. But you do that in my car, too. That's the fucking problem. I do it in your car? I also sneeze on you. Yeah, I know. That's really fun when you feel it coming.

Sneeze tech. You know? Here you go, oh shit, here it comes, and then you go... You're the worst. And you finish like that. I love that. I know, thanks. You're super nasty.

So, you didn't like that thing? No, that barfing stuff didn't really put me in a good place. Didn't put you in a good place? Please don't do it again. I'm not doing it. So, people asked, they asked about how a blind person... Yeah, I love these. A lot of blind questions, but how they pick up dog shit.

Yeah. Right? And a blind person actually told us about it. Shut up. Yeah, told a lot of people. Here we go. Hey guys, it's Molly here again for another video. And in case you didn't know, I'm blind and I have been a guide dog user for more than

10 years now. Wow. Okay, so we have... She's very attractive. She is. She doesn't even know that though, but... I have had a lot of experience picking up and, you know, dealing with dog poop. And a lot of people seem to be really curious about this topic.

And in terms of picking it up, guide dog schools train you on how to deal with it. But for the most part, guide dog schools, at least the school I went to, the Mira Foundation, train the dog to go on concrete because the poop is easier to find on concrete than it is to find in grass. And... Wow. She goes, eww. Dogs are amazing.

And on top of that, they train the dogs to typically hover over where they've gone to the washroom. And then what you do is you put the bag on your hand, you touch your dog's back. And if it's not trained to hover, then you just touch it while it's still going. Wow. Isn't that amazing that dogs can learn to do rest? Trace over it. That's so cool.

And you put your hand over top of the dog's back with the bag on and you essentially, like, feel down to the ground. Right off the end of the dog to the floor where the poop... And then... If your dog has moved, you still know the general area that your dog was standing because you're holding the leash and you're right there when it's going. And so at that point, you feel around for the heat. I know that sounds disgusting.

There you go. That's my least favorite part about cleaning up dog poop is the heat in the bag when you're like, eww, it's fresh. That's what I get. I get a thrill out of that. I feel alive. I know the dog's alive. You're like, fresh out of the oven.

Fresh out of there. It's just like brownies or cookies, you know? It's a good time. But that's how blind people know. Isn't that interesting? It's pretty fascinating. Well, we've got some other fascinating questions here. Yeah.

Okay. Tell me one. Well, here's a, since we're on the blind one, let's go there. With all the blind questions coming in, this person writes, with Bart himself, I was wondering if blind people really can get a full grasp on how fat Bert truly is. That is a really good question. I guess if they met him, they would know. They would know.

Yeah. They would just go like, but they wouldn't know just by hearing him. They wouldn't know. This one's about back to retarded people because we've been really curious about them. This is the best. This comes in from Nile Dowd. He writes, do retarded people have an inner voice that's retarded? It's not very nice.

But it's a vocal provoker. You don't know. That's true. Because maybe in here, it's like how I'd think, and then it comes out. So is that inner voice like, man, you should go get that candy right fucking now? Or is it like, you don't go like that? I know. We didn't write it.

Somebody else wrote it. I don't know. More chocolate. More chocolate. Yeah. I don't know. That's a really good question. Retarded.

You asked today. God, that's such a fucking mean thought. Then you were like, do retarded people have certain jokes that they really like to tell? Right. You know what I mean? Comics find certain things funny. Amongst comics, do retarded people amongst themselves? I thought like, oh yeah, those are knock-knock jokes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like dad jokes. Yeah. I don't know. I think it could be their own wheelhouse is what you're saying. Right? Yeah. Yeah, it makes sense.

Like, I'm sure pilots have their own lingo about like, yeah, the fucking windshield. Oh, but you're saying that. Do you think retarded people tell jokes about retarded people? No. Yeah, for sure. Really? Yeah, of course. You don't think so?

I don't know. I guess. Yeah, definitely. I don't know. I wish I knew some retarded people I could ask. That's just one of your fascinations right now. You're like, man, I wish. Oh, I do.

I mean, the world is such a curious place. There's so many things to be curious about. They have to be joking about certain things that only they get. Right, right. Look within their own context. For sure. Back time or something like that. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. That's why I don't know enough about them. Like shared experiences. Snacks. Yeah.

I was actually being serious. I didn't mean that. You're right. Snacks. Snacks. I like snacks too. Sitting in your dookie. All that stuff.

No. Tom. Okay. Moving along. Masturbating seven times a day as an adult. That's who we get to do the come milk business. Jesus. Yeah.

Now you're thinking. Wait, is that the other? Do you have the other retarded thing you mentioned? Which one? This one. About. About. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why don't you read it? So people don't just hate you as much? Yeah. Becoming very unlikable to me. So it says, if you would read the full email, it says, hey, Hitler.

And water champ Tommy. I laid a wig pondering the idea that if two or three people were to be on the show, I laid a wig pondering the idea that if two retarded people had a child, could she or he be. Don't assume the gender. Right. Could they be not retarded? How would their upbringing be?

Do they become retarded because of how they see their parents act? Jesus Christ. You never told me it said that. Jesus. It's like a nature nurture question. It's a valid. Well, that's an interesting thing. Okay.

Now hold on. Let's follow. Oh, man. That is Sean from New Jersey. You're a fucking piece of shit, John, but that's pretty funny. First of all, let's get this out of the way. I don't think, and I'm not an expert, but I don't think that, like, I know two dwarfs can produce a non-dwarf style.

Exactly. Exactly. I don't think too mentally, like two people with Down syndrome can have somebody, I don't know if they can conceive together, period, but I definitely don't think they could conceive like somebody who comes out like, what's up with you? I don't think that would happen. Because are they, did they're reproductive? Are they sterile?

Yeah, yeah, I think so. I don't know. Yeah. Maybe, maybe like it's like in math, two negatives make a positive. Oh, man. I don't know. Jesus. Okay, let's, let's, let's pause it, this theory.

Okay, let's say they, you have like a non, a non, what the fucking word? What's the PC shit to say now? A non-challenged, a non-mentally challenged person. But then you are raised by two mentally challenged people. Yeah. And that's all you knew. Like, it would be like, like, would you? Yeah.

You'd be like, when I come over for dinner, I'm like, what are you having? Like strawberry jam? I got it. So I got stuff like that. Right. Right. What else? You're like, I'm holding chocolate.

Strawberry jam. Right. Because there's stories of like Russian children being raised by feral wolves or something. Oh my God. Yes, this is very possible. This is a good theory. So you're saying then, then the able-bodied in mind person might just grow up to be like, hi everybody, like that.

If they were raised exclusively by mentally challenged people, they would be like, yes, nature and nurture, dude. Well, let's put a call out there to our audience. If you've seen that scenario take place in life, we'd love to hear more about it. It's a good idea, Gene. Well, we're two special people and we have a role. We very much are. Who knows how our kid's going to turn out?

Oh, right now. Let's move on to another important thought provoker. Okay. This one makes me laugh. This is from a girl, Gianna. She writes, dear mommies, I eat like shit and I'm constantly having diarrhea, but we'll do nothing to change my habits because one, I really like bread. And two, I think diarrhea is the only way I remain skinny.

What is your opinion on this? Could this be true? Does diarrhea keep me skinny? Dirty bitch. I mean, okay, at first you're like, that's stupid. But then if you think about it, if you think about it, of course the diarrhea is keeping her skinny. It's helping.

It's definitely helping. Because if you think back, all those drugs, like fenn fenn, didn't that give you diarrhea or something back in the 90s? I know I had lobster one time. Olien chips would give you diarrhea and you wouldn't digest it and that would keep you skinny. So I'm going to go, yeah. I got food poisoning from lobster in high school.

And I lost 22 pounds in eight days. There you go. You should have done that for the fat challenge. Just got fucking food poisoning. I can't believe back then when the fat challenge that we didn't do hot yoga, because we definitely should have. It was a lot of weight. It fucking sucks so much.

I don't even know how you're doing it. Honestly, I fucking cry the whole time. No. I hate it. I hate exercise. I just forced myself to do Pilates, but then the hot stuff fucked up. Don't you feel like you're dying all the time? Don't you feel like you're going to pass out the whole time?

Sometimes, yeah. The last 15 minutes of every class I'm like, maybe I'll die right now. Has anyone blacked out? Has anyone passed out during hot yoga? Not in the classes I've been in, but I'm sure if you were to pull a bigger group of people. One guy emailed me. He's like, I started going to, I'm only leaving class like three times in the 90 minutes. How about you?

And I'm like, we don't leave at all. He was like, oh, I don't know how that works. Well, don't you have like, you've got kind of an abusive teacher, which I don't think you're supposed to in yoga. They're not supposed to force you into poses and stuff, right? And so like, okay, I went 10 years ago. And when I went 10 years ago, it was like, they were like, do what you can, have water whenever you want, rest if you need, if you feel overwhelmed, it's fine.

So I was like, oh, that's what this was like. We walk in the first time I reached for my water, the guy goes, sir. And I was like, what? And he goes, we don't just take water breaks. I'll let you know when. And I was like, all right. I don't like that, dude. And then we were in a pose and he was telling some story.

And his, these two ladies were talking and he knew one of them. He goes, Meredith, zip it. That's funny to a little kid, you know, and I was like, that's funny. But I didn't like when he, he said, he was like, Tom, I know you can get your arms higher. Like that stuff. Yeah, we're doing overhead. He goes, Tom, do your arms straighten all the way out or not?

And so I did. And I was like, and he goes, oh, so they do. And I was like, yeah. And he was like, try to do that. And then there's an Indian guy named Godham and he goes, Godham, have you given up on sit-ups entirely? And I'm sitting there like my fucking, all right, man. And then he goes, I guess sit-ups for you are like arms for Tom.

They're not supposed to do that. The whole thing is not to force yourself to do what other people are doing. We just, I just fucking rolled with it. And then he, I'm just like, all right, this guy's fucking asshole. So all these teachers, like between poses, sometimes they'll give you like their own philosophy, you know, where they'll just start talking. So like, like one lady was like, you know, if you smoke, you really got to think about it.

It's going to smell when you come in here and that's something you should really give thought to. Do I want to be disrespectful to everybody else in my class? So shit like that. So this guy, the guy that like zings, he goes, you know, it took my son to New York and we arrived on the red eye. So we walked his friend to class. And after a block, his, he, my son said to me, daddy, my legs are tired.

And then he goes and arms straight and links up and pose up and hold it. And so then we get into another position and it's dead. So like no one talks, but I'm just laying there and I go, Hey, what's up with the rest of that story about your son going to class? And then I see Burton birds. Like it felt like fifth grade again. I was like, oh shit of mind's trouble. And did he, well, and he goes, did he tell the story?

He like turned or he was like, what? I know you didn't finish that story. He goes, that was the end of the story. And that's a shitty story. You know how to teach yoga, but your story telling fucking sucks, man. Like that is not the end of a story. That is not. Yeah.

That is not an email came in. Uh, says what's up? Mama's I recently noticed a lot of talk about Tom's obsession with death. And I think his obsession may be cultural. Like Tom, I'm of Hispanic descent and growing up, my mother was obsessed with murder shows. It became a family event. It was a lot of fun to guess who did it.

And at the end you got satisfaction when they got caught even more. So if you guessed the killer correctly, it was game like I have discussed this with some of my other Hispanic friends, and it seems to be a reoccurring trend. We have come to the conclusion that Spanish people just like to gossip and someone's death, murder and funeral is hot gossip. Or at least it was in my small Spanish community. Much love from London, Ontario. Hashtag fake London.

Well, is that true? Yes. It is. I mean, I've never been around people that love gossip more than all of my like the lot inside of my family. They are such gossips. I don't know that they like death, but they love a story of like someone's downfall. Like, I can't say that it's like they're less, they're less like everybody loves

gossip, you know, but like they're less ashamed of it. They're like, come here. I guess like it's like dinner conversation, you know, where like my dad's side of the family would be like, they would be, you know, they would pull you aside. They're American proper. My family, it's opposite. Wait, we like to hear about the bad news. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, oh, fuck. Did you hear about Susie? What? It has a brain tumor is going to die. And you're like, I don't want to fucking know that shit, dude. Does he get excited about it? So and so lost his legs.

No, it's like they just want to share the bad news that you feel like shit too. I feel like that's our cult. Like the Eastern block or shit is like, we need you to be depressed too. Yeah. I don't know. I feel like the with, with my like the Spanish side, they're just more, they like telling you how someone fucked up. And they're like, yeah.

Yeah. If that person was feeling themself for a second, then they really like, yeah. They're like, you know, so-and-so that has that nice car. Oh, shit. He lost it. It's gone now. It just shows you if you buy nice cars, they'll go away. You know, things like that.

Don't try. It's all like Catholic guilt stuff. Yeah. Like you thought you were better than us. Yeah. Well, you're not. Yeah. Remember how so-and-so had two homes?

He can't afford it anymore. Yeah. And they're like, like that's nice. That's so funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know.

I think ours would just like the bummer of it. Yeah. Do you want to hear a completely, so we've always, you know, we've featured like vocal fry, different speech patterns on this show, you know? Megan and I have been together for nearly three years. She's a beautiful girl who I- Whatever, dude. Yeah.

Never met a guy that speaks like that. There's another guy who's doing YouTube videos about all kinds of shit. But listen, this is one of the most unique speech patterns I've ever heard that I can't, like it doesn't even add up with this dude. How, where he learned to speak is what I'm fascinated with. Texas has really been on my mind a lot lately, and I wanted to honor this state in my own way with a countdown. I respectfully dedicate this list to everyone who has been affected by Hurricane Harvey.

He might have grown up with two rich-hearted parents. Yeah. There's our theory in motion. Nailed it. And Hurricane Harvey. He's like, why are you talking like what? Hurricane Harvey. I mean, seriously.

You know what it kind of sounds like? You know, like those, like remember how Stephen Hawking used to talk and his robot voice, like, I can't see all the flat words in the, like that's- Like he learned from a robot, you think? Yeah. It sounds like it's like- No, no, no. One of those people is like, no, no, no.

Dude, there's- Stop smoking. Stop smoking. Oh! There is nothing more terrifying than that. Yeah. That is the fucking scariest thing ever. That one.

We're going to play that daily for our son. Yes! Like right around fifth grade, sixth grade, when he's like, what are cigarettes? We'll be like, these are cigarettes. I know. I know. That's just so fucking terrible. And then like for cocaine.

And then you eat through your stomach. Oh my God. Are like for drugs, like show people like their noses, you know, like it eats through your cartilage and shit. Just scare them. Here's cocaine. Yeah. Listen to this, dude.

This alleged ghost was caught on video rummaging around a property of an arcade in Dallas. A Dallas. The phantom blob blides over the grass and quickly fits through an entranceway. It's pretty convinced- It's all the points of inflection are wrong. Oh yeah. It's like opposite day. Yeah.

The great tragedy in Dallas. This famous museum in San Antonio has many pieces of history and a wealth of strength. It's not San Antonio. No, that's not how you say it. Currences at night, workers often hear their name called have their clothing tugged on. Tugged on. And sometimes see a transparent ghost that they think originated from one of the many ancient Native American artifacts on display.

So weird. If you knew that guy, I swear, like it would, it would unnerve you. Yeah. You guys start changing the way you speak. What happened back there? Oh my God. Blue band? What was that?

Is that a ghost? Is that one of the ghosts? What was that ghost? Haunting us because we're mocking his fucking savior. Oh, it's okay. It's one of your staff. Just kill themself. All right.

One of your staff. Are they good? That's so funny, dude. It does sound like a computer, like an updated Stephen Hawking speaking spell voice. Isn't that also fascinating to you? What? Like one of the smartest guys on earth can't communicate. Well, can communicate, but through a machine only.

Because he knows the secrets of the universe and God had to be like, stop talking. It's true. He's like, you're too smart. Shut up. Shut up. Now you sound like a Latin mother right now. He thinks he's all better than me. There are hurricanes because God is angry.

Isn't that crazy? Do you really think that, mom? Jeez. People do think that it's because God's punishing us. It's so crazy. Your mother-in-law thinks that. Right, right, right. I try not to think about it, though.

Yeah. I try. You know, she's like old school, though. Tell me. No, I know. She's from fucking down under, down there. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

And like when you hear that, when you're talking to your own mom who's like, God, he's upset. Like at this, like when I was 21, I bet the fuck are you talking about? But now I'm like, yep. No, I know. He's a fucking pissed. I know. Like, I'm not going to fucking waste energy having that argument. And see, isn't that the essence of maturity is when that, you know.

It's getting tired. That's the essence of maturity. Yeah. Yes. I think you're right. You're like having this would just exhaust me. Yes. To explain how that's not happening.

Amen. But like God's not like, I'm fucking, get them with weather patterns. It's not happening. So I just go, I know we got to be better people. You're totally right. I hope he doesn't get more pissed this week. All right. I love you.

Bye. It's so true. I've just learned to let it go, like let other people's insanity go this week in the south. You know, culturally, we all know I'm an elitist. I love LA fuck. You know, never leave. Yeah. California is the best.

There's no reason to leave. And just like, I love it. I love it here. And now, you know, the south is just, it's not my culture. And I was just hearing like the way they, they're nice people. They're not bad people, but just culturally, it's so different. And I was like, well, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, you know, fuck two tears in the bucket, fuck it or whatever. Like just a lot of apathy and the culture, you know, like, but what's good to eat here? Well, there's a wild wings down the street. Like I'm not going, I'm 41 years old. I'm not going to go to fucking wild wings for dinner. Why can't you go to wild wings? You know what I mean?

I'm just an adult. Like I can't. I like wild wings. No, I don't. I can't eat that shit before I perform. No, not pre-show, but post-show. Later for fun every now and then. Do you remember one time when we were in the, we did that Southern run?

Yes. That's what I was thinking of in Alabama, Birmingham. Yeah. And we were so depressed because we were in Birmingham and then we went and we went to wild wings and bought like one of every flavor. Yeah. Literally every. Because you know, you think like they, you're like, how much is an order?

And they're like, well, it's like, you get like five wings and you're like, that's nothing. So I saw like all the flavors. I was like, yeah, just like hook me up, dude, like run through it. And he was like, you want one of every flavor? And I was like, I think so. And then we get back to the room and I start setting them up and she's like, how many wings did you get? I think like two, like like 60 or something.

And you literally have, I don't know, like eight and you're like, I'm pretty good. So yeah, we got 35 wings left over. So nasty. But the point is my point being, I could have judged them and get all upset and be like, why aren't they like thinking, you know, why aren't they more like me? But then I was like, I got to let that shit go, bro. Yeah. Fucking let it go and just let them do you because I was too tired and exhausted.

Like you said maturity. Yeah. I was like, I have a fucking kid at home. And you're like, God will pay these people back and he'll fucking. I don't pay these people back. You'll say God, God will pay these people back with a storm. Yeah, they'll get there. God's like, yeah, God, God from above looks down.

That's God. I know. That's God watching people do. He decides. Yeah. He decides who gets it. Yeah. It is so.

Yeah, I know. The older I get when people are like, God probably got upset and you're like, okay. So did the Easter Bunny too. Yeah. Oh, we do it. You know, obviously this is. And now that's all in this pastor. Yeah, he's a pastor.

He thinks that God is reigning fury on the gaze, right? Yeah. Yeah. Because there's come in the Starbucks. Remember, he was the guy saying, no, no, no. Oh, that's a different guy. That's a different guy. That's so many.

Yeah. That's a different path. That guy thinks that there is just in Starbucks. The guy that you think that's not the hell. No guy, but that guy also in the same video that he says there's semen in your Starbucks. They'd be careful if you drink Starbucks because you just might get pregnant. Right. Hannah.

Because if you swallow giz, you might. That's how babies are made. So, so, you know, check it out. You know what I'm saying? It's a fear. You know what I'm saying? So we do a lot of, you know what I'm saying? And this week we had a, you feel me.

That's always a nice one. It's a variant. Yeah. So you feel me pretty close to, you know what I'm saying? Go take a shit. Well, you actually suck. You know how much they were trying to attack and go at you tonight? Hell no.

That wasn't attacking me. I killed my damn son. You feel me? I should have kept backpulling on that first test now. You feel me? Got a little push in the back, but shit. It's the game of football. You feel me?

Now, this is NorCal all the way. Like he's... You feel me? Oh, fuck yeah. He's from Oakland. You know what I'm saying? I came out and I was hell of a week today. You feel me?

I gave up two tugs. But shit, we came out with the victory. So I'm going to take it as a learning experience. You feel me? We're going to chalk it up and go into the meeting room and then you feel me kick back, chill, relax. So crazy. I fucking love interviews where somebody doesn't...

And you caused that fumble at the end of the game. Well, someone doesn't just give straight up the foot. You know what I mean? They're like, whoa, there's a team. This dude's like, we're going to kick back and chill and fucking watch the game. Take it, fuck you. Because I feel like how do they hold their shit together to give those interviews? Because if it were me, I'd be like this guy.

Like, I don't know where to fucking get fucked up later. This guy is not thinking about the fact that this is nationally televised. Yeah, I wouldn't either. Well, I don't know. Most people, that's the thing is that most of them, dude, most of them are like, um, you know, the team, the team, we win as a team, we lose as a team. And like that. And then you're like, oh, really?

And then what else? And he's like, well, you know, if anything bad happens, you can't just blame one guy. Like they all do this guy. He's like, I fucked up. I fucked my own shit up. Of course. And Justin got that for the touchdown. How'd you feel about that?

That made my game go from hella week to week. You feel me? So I ain't, I ain't hella week. I'm just weak this week. Hella. Uh, next week I'll get back on my shit though. So, uh, yeah. That's right.

Yeah. Definitely NorCal hella. Hell yeah. You feel me? You feel me? You feel me? You feel me? How'd you feel about that?

You feel me? Yeah. Hell yeah. I never heard hella until I did. I swear it. Like I'd never heard it like as part of the Lex Conchill. I did the San Jose improv, uh, where I was walking out of the hotel and I was like, let's go get something to eat.

And then one of the hotel workers was like, oh, the sandwich shop over there is hella good. You should eat that shit. And I was like, oh, is it? And he was like, yeah, man, there's no hella good place. Oh my God. Second street. And then once it like entered, I was like, oh, then I heard everybody say it.

Yeah. It's totally there. In the nineties, it was like full pumping. Everybody was saying hella. And I'll do this fucking hella awesome as hella, hella, hella. There was a girl on our floor in the dorm rooms. We just called her hella because she said it so much. I didn't even know her fucking name.

We're like, what's up, hella? Like we, that was all about the nineties. Remember you'd wear like your fucking overalls, your denim overalls. Shit. Your bell bottom, like one off if you were dope. Tank top. Shit. Shit.

You know what I'm saying? You guys want to try a, um. Yeah. You know what? I think it's time for my Pinot Grigio. Oh shit. It ain't my sober October. I don't give a fuck.

May I get a glass of Pinot Grigio? Anyone? Thank you, mommy. Why not? It's my day off. Do it. You know what? Is it going to be hard for you to watch me drink?

Oh yeah. I'm fucking freaking out right now. You white knuckling. I'm never, it's never going to be hard to not drink booze. Thank God. It's not hard for me to not do drugs. Will I ever stop wearing cool hats? Never.

Well, what happened to the hat? Good question, Tom. I lost it. I lost it. But you know what that means? I'm going to buy fucking six more of this one. All right. But I feel like it's not fair because you made me gave up my art teacher jacket.

Remember that? I started on that. The art? Yeah. It's not fair. You love that jacket? Yeah, it was so cool. Thank you.

Plus I was fat. I was hiding some baby weight. I was allowed to hide in that jacket. See? No. She liked it. Yeah. That jacket is not a good look.

Well, can I go back to my art teacher look if you get your hat? That's only fair. Thank you. I still don't know on that. That's not fair. What do you mean? What do I get in exchange? Thank you.

Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. Thank you, sir. Do I get to go more goth? Can I get more witchy? Yeah. You can get it. Yeah.

Go for that. I can fuck a witch. I can fuck a witch. But I don't want the... I'm going to rebuy all my goth shirt. Do it. All right. The art teacher jacket is black.

All right. No, that shit's not cool. Hell no. Yeah, that's a hell no jacket. So do you guys want to try a master of accents translation? Yeah. These are great. All right.

Here is a Scottish one. These are fucking hard. These are so fucking hard. So let's see if you can... How is this English? And I have it translated. So as we go, we'll try it once. If you got it, you're amazing.

And then I'll tell you what's actually being said. Okay. Here we go. Oh, fuck it, Scotland. Why don't you shake a fucking man? That fuck is bringing you power. Zero clue. Zero...

I have zero clue. Okay. Like not even an inkling. Nothing, right? What was that? So he says, fucking Scotland, why don't you shut your fucking mouth? I'll explain to you, pal. Right?

Okay. It's gibberish. Oh, fuck it, Scotland. Why don't you shake a fucking man? That fuck is bringing you power. Whoa. That really is what he's saying. Like once you...

I still don't hear it. Oh, once you... Once I say it, you're like, that's actually... Did you hear it? No. Really? Uh-uh. It just...

It sounds like a dog barking. I don't understand. Listen to what I'm saying. All right. I was like... He says like, something fucking Scotland, why don't you shut your fucking mouth? I'll explain to you, pal. Right?

Okay. All right, let's go. Oh, fuck it, Scotland. Okay, yeah. Yeah. Why don't you shake a fucking man? That fuck is bringing you power. That fucking squeaky pass.

All right, how about this one? What's that last bit? Damn fucking... Oh, fuck it, Scotland. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You start fucking out with a fucking bar, mate. What about the one day, mate? You know what I mean?

What do you want me to do is get my ass out of my mouth. And do what you fucking tell you? Okay. It's the dentist's whole fucking smoke. A bolt. What the fuck is going through that? And do what you fucking tell you. If you go fucking out of there.

Okay. Something about the fucking telly. Well, he definitely says fuck a lot. I can confirm that. Yeah. I'm on a fucking vomit. No. He says fucking start...

Telly. He says fucking Scotland, you start fucking early in the fucking morning, okay? And you want to fucking tell me? The fucking Scotland are called one fucking Scotland. So they are and do... You want me to fucking tell you, you can fucking anywhere so you can. Okay. Well, I mean, this is crazy.

It's real crazy. And it was translated by a Scottish guy for us. And it's definitely... You start fucking early in the fucking morning. I don't want to hear it again. So... Yeah, it's terrible. Let's do the...

This one here is shorter. Okay. I'm not going to say... I'll just let you hear it and see if it's any better. Hey! You fucking told me! You fucking told me, you are! No, it's been nice to be here.

You know! You fucking know, yeah, you fucking cunt! Isn't it crazy? You fucking cunt! You got that. Isn't it nuts that all of us and that guy speak the same language? Isn't that nutsy? I know.

I know. But that guy's on another planet. And you definitely got it right. There's the last word. It's cunt. You got it. Kind of a master too. Yeah, you are a master.

I don't need to hear that again. Here's somebody that sent this in coming out of their colonoscopy. Oh no, you still have to get one by the way. You snuck out of it last year and then you've not rescheduled. Yeah, but you know what? Ever since I cut out sugar, I don't have monster fucking shits like that anymore. Like I was always like... I was like this skinny girl who was like,

Oh, I have diarrhea all the time. But then I cut sugar out. That's true. Since you've cleaned up your diet, you haven't had those blasters yet. Yeah. Like as much. What age do you have to start doing that as a guy? Colonoscopy?

No, you get a prostate exam at 40. Good. Colonoscopy, I don't know. Alright. 50? 50 for your poop shoot. Yeah. And they get up in there and then the doctor's like,

You're gonna eat your scrum and then they go over. So here's this lady coming out of her colonoscopy. This is a lady. You're gonna eat my farts on tape. Oh my gosh. I'm leaking. She's got that moose soup smoker. Yeah.

She's got that smoker laugh. That is a real creep. Come down later for moose soup. Yeah. There she is. There she is. There she is. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Would you rather... Get your passenger. Yeah. Yeah. You gotta eat the scrum on the moose soup lady. Oh my god.

Or the colonoscopy lady. Oh. Think about it. One's fresh. No, one's not. I mean, one's fresh out of a colonoscopy. Jesus. Super hardy.

Yeah. That's why the game is so hard, Tom. She's gnarly. Yeah, I know. That's the whole point. So which one do you choose? Probably the moose soup lady. Still with the moose soup lady.

Yeah. Yeah. She is special. There is something... Yeah. There's something charismatic about her, you know? She also gives you feedback. Like you're, you know...

Yeah. She's not just like hanging out there like I'm... Like you're doing it and she's fucking, you know... Like you're putting your mouth down there and she's... OMG. Like, yeah. So you're like, all right, at least she appreciates what I'm doing. Yeah, that's true.

She does give you feedback. Yeah. And approval. Yeah. Good job, Tom. She's eating. Yeah, exactly. I need her ass.

You guys are doing good. Yeah. What if her junk tastes of like moose soup? Oh, fuck. Actually, that's not bad. Yeah, it'd be good. I bet it tastes better than the fart lady. Like...

Yeah. I don't know. Do you want to do... I can do what you'd rather. All right, sure. Whatever you want. All right. This'll be fun.

This is super gross what I had set up here. What? Somebody... It's too disgusting. Okay. Fine out. Now you're in. All right.

All right. Hold on. You intrigued the audience. Nothing's too gross for our show. That's true. That's what the show is about. Here's a beer ad. Imagine a woman of your dreams.

Your object of desire. Her charm. Her sensuality. Her passion. Try her taste. Feel her smell. Hear her voice. This is for a beer.

Hold on. Now free your fantasies and imagine that with a magic wand you can close it in one bottle of beer. Okay. Hold on. We have discovered a process of transmission of her essence of her femininity. Her instincts by isolation of lactic acid bacteria from her vagina. I told you it was fucking gross.

I told you that. This is a company called Yanni. They make beer with bacteria from the vagina of supermodels. No. That's stupid. This line is called bottled instinct. That's silly. Our laboratory isolates and multiplies the bacteria in a safe way.

Additionally, we examine the final bacteria in terms of its purity and safety. So you're like a drinking like this sweet girl's pussy beer right now. Dude, men are nasty. That's nasty as hell. It's fucking pretty wild, man. 100% nasty. That's super gross. Super fucking gross, man.

I don't know. There's no woman that's like... Okay. All right. I have to see a therapist about this. You know that. No. Like there's no company.

I'd be the source. How much money do you want for that? Who cares? He's like, I used to say a couple of pussy swabs and then... Sure. 50 bucks. You got it. Make these 50 bucks.

Wait. It's a great way to promote my special. I hope you got more. Yeah. You guys want my Yanni beer? Watch my special. Watch my special and drink from my box. Yeah.

Rate it. Put it in your queue. You know what's funny? My dad in the 80s, he used to get those beers that you'd scratch the tits, you know, the scratch off. What? You know what I'm talking about? No.

No? No. I don't know. From our liquor store and it was a beer bottle and you could scratch her. It was a scratcher part and you could see like the chicks tits. That's from the... What? Guys, my childhood was awesome.

It sounds like... You guys are the weird ones here. I don't know. I used to think that was really fun too. It's on a beer bottle? Yes. It was like a scratcher ticket. What kind of beer was that?

Some German shit. Oh. Yeah. Not American. Yeah. I didn't think that was like... But like dude, what are you talking about? You scratch your tits and...

Yeah, you could see her tits. It was crazy. No. That's wild. Yeah. I'm sure that's... This is definitely another level though. It's my therapist about that.

They're like pussy swab beer? That's disgusting, dude. Yeah. That's nastiest bug. All right. Here we go. Okay. Now.

Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Drink the top layer. I'm an itchy asshole. It's time to play real sexual thunderer.

It's time to play chunky. It's time to play just naughty build toilet paper. The urine from two dirty homeless men... It's time to... Bite my butt with your mucas. Homeless jargon. I've been of sex with your sister. Taking a face.

They're under strikes. The grandmother walks in on you masturbating. Never have another orgasm. I've been of sex with your sister. I've been of sex with your sister. I've been of sex with your sister. Taking a face. They're under strikes.

Your grandmother walks in on you masturbating. Never have another orgasm. It's time to play just... It's time to play. It's time to play. It's time to play, would you rather? All right, Jeans. Here we go.

We're going to start off mild and then we'll get to varsity-level sh... All right. All right, Tommy. Would you rather... Yep. Be Bert's liver. Or his heart. It's tough.

We're a good would-you-rather. I know. Yeah, it's hard, right? Oh, shit. Let's see. I mean, here's the thing about it. It's just like endless, endless flowing booze all the time. It works so hard.

Yeah, it really does work. You'd be fucking exhausted. Yeah. From like, you're like, another fucking Tito's and soda dude? Yeah. It's seven in the morning, man. Drowning, gasping for air. Drowning all the time.

Yeah. Now, doesn't the liver regenerate itself? So you can repair yourself. That's... It's regenerative, the organ. But you get a break once every 44 years? Right. So for October, you go once a year.

Right. So right now his liver is like, what's happening? Yeah. His liver is like, I can breathe. Yeah. Or his heart is carrying around 335 and... You got the food, you got the running, the panting, the... There's a layer of fat, right, around it.

One? Or the... Yeah. I don't know. I guess it'd be a little more fun to be his liver. I think I would go with the liver just to like... It would just be like, it's kind of like that's... His liver is living like Bert's life philosophy.

He's like, just fucking go for it. Yeah. You know, like... So you just go out. Go hard. Yeah, go hard. Because the heart is not going to be fun. The heart's going to be a nightmare.

So much work. At least if you're his liver, yeah. You're his liver, you're having a good time. Yeah. You're enjoying yourself. You're up closing every bar in every city that he's performing in. You might as well have a few laughs. Yeah, I might go with you on this one, actually.

All right, guys. Clap for being Bert's liver. Yeah. Okay. A applause for Bert's heart, who wants to be Bert's heart. Yeah. It's a harder job. It's a harder job.

Why would you want to be his heart, sir? Yeah. Go ahead. You could just pull the plug whenever. Jesus. You want to kill Bert, is that what you're saying? He's like, no, maybe. Drunk with power, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, you have way more power as the heart. True. So it might have been a lapse of my own judgment. I want to go back. I want to be his heart. Okay. It's definitely a harder gig.

I'll scare him more. I'll be like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm totally scared. I'm totally scared. Yeah, I want to be his heart. I'm with you. I'm with his heart. Loves to get him panic attacks.

Okay. Here's my other one. I like this one. Okay. Okay. Would you rather legally change your last name to Hitler? That's really cool. It's a pain in the ass, too, if you've ever changed your name.

Oh, fuck. And like, you have to like, don't just like make a case for it, too. Don't just like file. I want to make a case. You know, but I mean, you have to be like, and what is it? You're like, Hitler? Yeah. Like, and the guy's like, I'm sorry.

I'm like, Hitler? Yeah. Yeah. You have to go to social security office or DMV. It's a fucking pain in the ass. And then they're at the end of like, congratulations, Mr. Hitler. Your dream is now a reality.

Yeah. Tom Hitler. And then now you're Tom Hitler, special comedian. Yeah. It's great to be here. Yeah. Please welcome the stage. Tom Hitler.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Nice ring to it. Yeah, it does. It's your whole new identity. Okay. What's the other awesome option? Okay.

Or every time you speak, it's in baby talk. Like how our two year old talks. Out, out. House side. He goes, bye-bye. Yeah. Like that. Bye-bye.

So I have to do stand up like that? Yeah. Just walk out and go. That'd be a fun hour to watch. Wouldn't it? Yeah. Come out. I go.

I go. Today. I go. I feel like life is like, they both make your life really awful. So good job on that. You got it. But one of them makes your life impossible. Right.

The baby talk. Okay. You can't do it. Like with the hit. First of all, there's a lot of times when you meet people where they don't have to know your last name. Not in your biz. Oh, that's right.

I mean, I'm going by Christina P. But also like when you, you know, you walk in to get by a coffee. They're not like, you don't have to be like, by the way, I'm hit. Call me Hitler. You don't have to say that. But. But if I'm like. Coffee.

Coffee. Me want milk. What if. Papa. Papa. Papa. Yeah. I think they'd be like, get the fuck out of our store right now.

So that's, that's fantastic. What if it's like, I can't believe I'm saying it, but I would definitely, I would rather be Hitler than. Then talk like that. Yeah. I think. Yeah. Cause okay.

It would suck like people. Here's the thing. You can't tell people why you've changed your last name to Hitler. That's another caveat of the thing. You would make some assumptions. Don't you? If you're like, I'm not explaining it. They're like, I think I have a pretty good idea.

Big fan of Charlottesville are you? And you're like, no. Kind of went those statues back, bro. So yeah. So you're going to take Hitler as your last name. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Okay.

What if I made it like you're talking, but at a first grade level. It's still like life is over. Like with the Hitler thing, you at least, you know, people would get upset with you all the time. People would be like the fuck, you know, what the fuck is wrong with you. But you could at least, you know, have a convert like you could talk your way. Yeah. Yeah.

Around it. Around the, yeah. If you speak in baby talk. Yeah. It's over. Yeah. You could do things in pictures. You could be like.

Do things in pictures. Yeah. Hear me out. Like the picture show. Yes. The picture comic. Yeah. You could make a living out of like drawings and shit.

Not to compare him. He's a very funny guy. But no, I mean, you can make a living. You walked into that one. God damn it. Demetri. Oh, four year old. Demetri.

Right. I mean, you know, you just have to change your act a little bit. Yeah. I'm smashing watermelons. Whatever. Yeah. Well, why don't you? What's your answer?

I take, I take, I take Hitler. Yeah. Yeah. Applause for Hitler. Who takes Hitler? Yeah. Applause for Hitler. We don't always hear that.

But yeah. All right. Sorry. Sorry guys. I don't really. All right. Who would take baby voice? Yeah.

It's tough. Wait. Why would you do that? Yeah. First grade is easier than toddler. Yeah. Do you think that's okay to communicate in first grade level? Yeah.

All right. People would just think you're endearing and girls can get away with it. Well, you can get away with it if you're a woman for sure. Like a hot chick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Because then guys would be like, she's fucking perfect. Yeah. She wasn't. Yeah. She's like, yeah. Totally. Tastes good. Totally.

Totally. I'm tired. I know. I know. All right. Get some old rich boyfriend. That's all you need. Yeah.

All right. There we go. Okay. Take it. Why don't you clip your nails in front of me right now and your panties. Okay. Okay. Would you rather.

This one's more personal to Tom and I. Every time we do it, it has to be while our son is crying in the next room. The caveat being like the nanny's there, but he's crying. You can hear it. Like it's annoying and it's distracting and sad. So just a child for everybody else, either your child or if you don't have a child, another child is crying in the next room right next to you. So you're like, you're doing it and you're like, just falling.

Right. Every time we do it, the dogs get to stay on the bed and like beef gets really mad. When, when like Tom and I hug, he starts barking and thinking that one of us is being hurt. Yeah. And then Bitsy will just start licking you. Yeah. Your legs. I'd finally get my scrum.

Big time. Yeah. Big time. Yeah. Hmm. See, the thing is I can tune out the crying, you know, so that's a tough one. God. I can, I can't.

I, you do normally tune out the crying. It's amazing how you never seem to hear four in the morning. Yeah. I'm just programmed, you know. Yeah. Hmm. So do I want to hear those tears or do I want to have a dog bark and lick and sniff during sex?

The whole time. I'm going to go for tears. I'm going to go for tears. Oh my God. Yeah. Wow. A clause on that. Those are the real men in the room right now.

Those are them. All right. You guys clap if you'd rather hear a baby crying as you're trying to make love to your spouse. Okay. How about having two small dogs on your bed at the same time? Yeah. That one's.

You want to fuck with those dogs on the bed? Yeah. Come on. Every time like you're moving and the dog's like, like, and they keep licking, you're like, no. Yeah. The whole time. Super annoying.

Yeah. Feef is relentless too. He hasn't shut up. And you get into like one position you really like and then you're like, what the fuck? How are you in my armpit? And then you look down and the dog's like, I'd still take the dogs. I can't. I cannot do my baby crying.

It's like primal. Like I hear it in my uterus starts like quivering, you know. I'm like, I just think we're wired different to me. It is kind of arousing. I kind of like it. You know, that's all I got. That's it. That's it.

Let's see. Retarded blind. Do you want to fill her up? Yeah. Sure. Let's fill her up. Let's see her shut. All right.

Let's go. Here we go. Here we go. So silly. So gross. Okay. Okay. Now, since we're getting into hollow jeans, yes, very scary time of year, I thought it'd

be nice if we could do a filler up seal her shut spooky edition. Yes. So let's start with the dudes. I'm going to go Edward scissor hands. You guys know who the fuck that is Johnny Depp. I know it's kind of an older reference. So I don't know if you guys know. Okay.

Or Herman Munster. That's even older. Should explain that. That's even older as fuck. The monsters. You guys know the monsters. Describe them. So Herman Munster looks like Frankenstein for those of you don't know, like it's supposed

to be Frankenstein. And then Edward scissor hands is just hot ass Johnny Depp with some fucking blades on his fingers. You know what I'm saying? And like Johnny before he started drinking and hanging out with, what's his name? Stan Hope. Well, yeah. Before he started looking like a fucking pirate.

Like now he's crazy. Yeah. Like Keith Richards. Yeah. Yeah. Keith Richards is who I was actually thinking. I'm sorry. Before he started drinking $30,000 a wine a week.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Did you ever see Edward penis hands? Yeah. I've heard that. You saw it? Yeah.

She saw it. She wanted it. Yeah. I know. That was, that was made like in that era, right? It was like made right back then. And it was a, like their parody, right? It was like, and did he, was he like, it was everything?

Yeah. How would you feel about that? Yeah. Here's a weird thing though. Is that Edward scissor hands, he's going to hurt you. He's going to, even though he's hot ass Johnny Depp. Yeah. He's Edward penis hands.

No. I'm going to go Herman Munster because. What? No. Yeah. First of all, he's got that big old Frankenstein hog on him. And he's probably going to begot green goo. It's going to be fun and interesting.

What? And his laugh. He's nasty as hell. That is nasty. And he had that weird laugh. You know, you'd be doing him kind of a favor. He'd be super grateful. Edward scissor hands.

He's hot. He can get whoever. So he's not going to. That's the whole thing. Dude, he's still fucking Johnny Depp. No, but you watched him. He's that guy doesn't. That's the thing is everyone's so scared of him.

He would be super fucking appreciative. You know, and then you're getting double the payoff because people are so scared of getting hurt by him. Right. If you were actually like, I'm a fucking choke on this thing. Yeah. And you're just like, keep your hands away and you actually get him to do it. And double the payoff.

You're getting an appreciative little fucking model looking guy. Oh, it's true. I never thought of it that way. Did he just get you to switch dicks or not? I'm still going Herman. And I like him because he's sweet. Dude, I'm chowing on that young fucking Depp dick for sure. I'd go Johnny Depp, but like early Pirates of the Caribbean.

That's not this scenario. I know, I know, but I like, what's your favorite Johnny Depp era? Let's be honest. Favorite era? Yeah. Like when's he the hottest for you? I don't know. I mean, yeah.

21 Jump Street. It's pretty crazy. And that's the thing. He probably was self aware that he knows he's a good looking dude in that era. Oh yeah. He doesn't have the, I'm an international movie star air about him. So that's probably the best era to be with him. The newly famous Johnny Depp.

Like he's just like, wow, people like, you know. What? You'll suck my dick? Yeah. Yeah. Like the Sunset Strip just doing blow. That's different than like 10 years ago, Johnny, where he's just like, look, if I'm going to come, I need a mouth on each ball.

I need a mouth on my dick. I need 10 miles around my, like just that's how I'm going to get hard. And you're like, Jesus, you're pretty demanding. Like, do you think that's what it's like for him now? Yeah. Just like, yeah. Yeah. It's like, well, it's like some girls like, I don't know if I can leave my four friends

and he's like, your four friends are fucking coming or I'm not coming. And that's how it's going to. It's so crazy. What reality do people even know? His reality has got to be outrageous. Outrageous. Outrageous. Yeah.

It's not even conceivable. And it's okay with him and not with Heff because Heff was gross. I feel like you haven't really loved Heff so much. I know. You're so upset. Was he your dad or something? What's the funny? I don't give a fuck.

I don't like concert. I don't know. That's all right, boo boo. That's all. Okay. All right. That's fine. All right.

I'm going to go Herman Munster. He does have a weird thing, like culturally, Heff. Yeah. But I mean, like it's weird too that like, I don't know, like you get, you kind of get how people are like, you're the man, right? Like everybody's like, you're the fucking man. Yes. Yeah.

He's wearing PJs. Yeah. So do comics, dude. That's what we do for a living. He wore, he wore silk jammies and an ascot. Yeah. And his captain's hat. Can you imagine that?

His fucking captain's hat. What's up, dude? Busted nuts in those silk jammies. Yeah. Holly. That had to be kind of rough though. These last 20 years to take that nut. If you were.

Yes. Yeah. Because you know, he probably like presses a button. He's like, send her down the hall. Exactly. And then they have to act like they're excited. Yeah. That's the thing.

They probably were excited in the 70s. Yeah. But now they have to be like, hey, what's up, half? And he's like, sit on the end of the bud. Exactly. I want to see your twat. And they're like, they have to be excited about it. Exactly.

Yeah. It's a faking of it. You're like, I love you. Yeah. No, you don't. OK. Spread them. Spread it.

Spread. Did we vote? Did we do the spooky one? Which one? Oh, no. We didn't vote. Well, I said Johnny. I'm going to go Herman Munster.

You want Herman Munster like a faking psycho. And then what about the audience? Who wants Edward Scissor hands, Johnny? That's a lot of ladies cheering. Who wants the Green Gobbler Herman Munster? Huge dick. Huge dick? Yeah.

Yeah. How do you know what Johnny's got? I don't think it's that big. Not like Herman. Herman was a big dude. Yeah. What do you think Johnny's packing? Average.

Just a regular dome. Regular dick. Really? But hot face, dude. Yeah. Because you'd hear about it. I feel like he's banged enough, hot people. Yeah.

The word would get around. Because big dudes get around. Yeah. Like Milton Burl had a huge dick, right? Yeah. Who's people talk about the, what's the guy from Mad Men? Yeah. John Hamm's apparently got fucking two hams between his legs.

And the surfer guy, the famous, what's the like Kelly Slater? That guy's got like a loaf of bread in his legs. See? Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Like word spreads about your dick size. Because you fucking, and the people are like, how do you know, Tom? Well, there's a reason they call me.

The dick detectors. Yeah. I'll find your dick. Don't you worry about it. All right. We got to wrap this up. Okay. Okay.

So for the ladies. Okay. It's Morticia Adams. And I'm talking like the recent one. Like from the Angelica Houston. Yeah. Or. Okay.

Okay. She's got like, she's tall and skinny. And she wears like the tight, nice black dress. She's got kind of a big nose, but that's fine. And she's got like, you know, red lips. Kind of goth-ish style. Right. She's got.

Yeah. And then, or Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice. But she's got that teenage angle. So it might be underage. I don't know if you want to think about that. Babe, it's illegal. It's illegal. What do you mean it's illegal?

Okay. But Morticia is all woman. Like she's of age. She's got babies and shit. Tid situations. All right. Yeah. I know.

I love her. Winona forever. That's why I know what Johnny Depp would take on this one. I know. That's right. She's a little shoplifter. Ooh. You pull her in the back room like, let me look in your bags.

You're in big trouble. I don't want to be in trouble. All right. So stupid. There's only one way out of this. Stupid as hell. Fucking Winona for sure. Yeah.

Okay. Fuck yeah. Who's from Morticia? Anyone? Any Angelica Houston? Okay. Okay. Winona.

Where's my Winona's? Yeah. She's the best, dude. She's so pretty. She's very pretty. She was always so skinny and gangly with those huge cans. Remember like reality bites and she had those fucking knockers on her, man. She wouldn't wear bras and shit in the movies.

That's how you know you got nice tits when you don't have to wear a bra and you've got like D-cups. I definitely remember it. Don't worry about it. Okay. I remember. Guys, we have to wrap up. This has been a super fun.

Thanks for coming, Jeans. And we, yeah, we love you guys. Thank you for coming to our show. Thank you, Jeans. Yeah, we really appreciate it. We'll definitely do it again. We'll be out there if anyone wants to come say hi. We'll be out there.

Come say hi. And again, thank you very much for coming to the live show. Have a great week. And we'll see you on the next one. Good night. Bye, mommies. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? You know what's happening?