Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 434-Marc Maron-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 7, 2018

The man, the myth, the Maron. One of our all time faves is finally in the building. If you know and love podcasting, especially the kind involving comedians, you know Marc Maron. His wildly successful podcast WTF inspired a television series and hundreds of copycats to do what he has mastered.  He's funny, insightful, charming - look, we love him. So many laughs in this one with Would You Rather's, Fart Logic and so much more.   

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, Gene. Oh, Gene. Things are really picking up out there. In the world. In the world of two mommies, one Gene doing live dates. I know.

It was crazy. SLC was off the chain. Sold out shows. Everybody was bananas. Absolutely. I heard amazing things about your weekend. Just real quick, this is an instrumental by Eddie Bojangles. It's called Lonely Town just to give him his shout out.

I heard Shark Lake titties was great. And I'm going to Shark Lake titties, too. Oh, my God. I'm real excited about that. Get your life. When are you going there? Yep. Let's see.

I'm going in April. Oh. And they're all sold out. OMG. So because of that, we added a late show Thursday. So if you didn't get tickets, we just added April 12th in Shark Lake titties. That's an added show. Columbus, I'm doing in March.

That all sold out. So I added a late show Thursday as well. I have a bunch of stuff on sale. Just go to TomSigura.com slash tour. There's actually stuff being added pretty much every other day now. So, Mom Australia, I think there's still tickets left in Sydney only. The other ones are sold out. Spokane, Charlotte, North Carolina.

I added Omaha, Brea, California. Brea. Breastballs Beach. The Breastballs Beach Improv in West Palm Beach, Florida. And New Orleans is also we added shows. So that's it. TomSigura.com slash tour for me for Christina P. It's Christina P online.

Is that correct? Yeah. And you have, what's your next one? I bought that URL in the 90s. That's great. Yeah. February 23rd, one night, one show only. Calusa Casino in Calusa, California.

And then March 30th and 31st, Portland, Oregon, Adherium Comedy Club. That's going to be gone soon. I know those tickets are moving super fast. So I know it sounds crazy early, but get on that shit now, son. That's it right now. I'm going to add more stuff, but that's where I'm at. Okay. There it is.

Jean, Jean, Jean, Jean, Jean. So, all right, we got a lot to go over. We have a special guest coming in today. I'm very excited about that. So excited about this guest. It's going to be great. Let's just get the show started and, you know, we'll go from there. Let me pull this up.

I've got some great topics, Tom. Do you? Oh, I do actually. There's stuff I want to discuss with you too. Uh-oh. No. Here we go. No, it's not about you.

Don't worry. Oh, gosh. Your behavior. That's when I turn around and I'll sniff up the fart myself as quickly as possible, so that hopefully none of my co-workers have to smell it, you know. That's not how farts work. This shit is big time. Oh, it's Randy.

Don't bring anyone mutton to this. Don't burn in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitze. Christina Pajitze.

Welcome to your mom's house. This guy, he's got some stuff going on. Some stuff. He's master of the dark. I see that on his shirt. But can I tell you, I'm going to admit to something is that I've honestly had the same thought too. Yeah.

Or you're like, if I smell up all the smells, then maybe no one else will. Yeah. But that's not how farts go. Yeah, you and he are similar in that you're both not scientists, I would say. What are you talking about? That's not how that works. I'm a fart scientist. This guy, what kind of job do you think he has?

Computer. He's got interesting looks. Computers. I mean, you know. I guess there's a computer at his work. I wouldn't debate that. But I don't know if he works in them. Yeah, but he's like gothy, so those guys tend to go to.

Those glasses are thick. Like techy stuff, you know. He's got bad vision. He's got bad vision. He's not. And the dog collar is kind of, you know. He said master of the dark is on his shirt. I thought he was going to say master of the fart, which I thought was appropriate.

Dark farts. The dark farts. I mean, if you have to fart when you're at work, sometimes I've done that. Like one, I'll have like a little fart slip out. You know, it happens. Yeah, it happens. And then his logic is. That's when I turn around and I'll sniff up the fart myself as quickly as possible.

So that's hopefully none of my coworkers have to smell it. You know, This might be my favorite new clip ever. I think what's interesting is, is he proposing that his nose is similar to that of a vacuum and that everything that's in the air is then gone and inside of him because you have to sniff really hard to get all of that up, you know. But I think in theory, it's not impossible. Am I right?

I mean, look, the particles of smell are everywhere. And if you can inhale the, look, hey, okay, I'm going to hear in his defense. You know how we have the fan on the stove when you're cooking smelly things? Right. It sucks it. You're right. But that kind of goes to my point is that is a powerful vacuum sucking, you know, motor in there that has gauges that you can turn to make it even more powerful to suck the air.

And you want to know the other thing that happens? It doesn't fucking work. It doesn't work. You see smoke suck into it. You're like, oh, everything's gone. And then you walk around the house. Smells like pork or bacon or fish. Smells like bacon for days in our salmon for good.

Oh my God. When you make fish, it's like, you have it on full, full blast. It's like, you just see every bit of air, all the steam and smoke. I don't know. And then you go upstairs and you know, it smells like a fish factory. It smells like Fisherman's Wharf for a week. Yeah. So yeah, this does not.

Of course this doesn't work. Well. I farted, but I smelled it all. That doesn't work. Of course not. But what if he has like Michael Phelps powerful lungs? You don't know what he's capable of. See, I see him working at some type of like strip mall place.

That's what I think. Oh, you're right. Yeah. Yeah. He's not as smart. He's not smart or smart enough. Well, I don't want to say he's not dumb. I'm just saying that, you know, I don't know.

My guess is that his coworkers are, it's at whatever's next to Verizon, you know? It's like a. Yeah. I feel like it's like those kind of little chachki. You think it's a booth? It's like the, where we buy like LJ's little squishy balls. Yeah. It's that kind of thing.

It's the booth. He doesn't have to smell those parts. But he doesn't dress socially acceptable, acceptably enough. You know, he works somewhere where they let him wear a master of the dark shirt and a dog collar. A dog collar. True. You know? Maybe I shot too high.

Yeah. He's not a weekender with this attire. This is a full time. You know, you can work like that. Those are kind of gone now, but like video stores. Hot topics. Yeah. Adult toys, you know, where they're like, swear whatever you want.

Well. Splash. The relaxation splash. As a goth, your, your employment options are rather limited. I mean, there's movie theater. You can work there. Yeah. Yeah.

But even now I feel like they have higher standards and. Yeah. Unless it's an indie movie theater. Yeah. So, okay. Like the Lemley. The Lemley, they might be like, of course. Yeah.

Record stores. Well, they only sell vinyl. Right. Shit like that. Another business that's also been in decline for years. Basically anything from the nineties this guy could go. He's allowed to, yeah. Just to be himself when he's there.

That's true. Yeah. Now. We had a very interesting debate. Last week. Mm hmm. You. We had a debate as to how much my boobs weighed.

Yeah. And how much do boobs weigh? Well, I went through, especially because I've been going to this gym and I've been really when the way that it's worked, it's all personal training and they do a lot of gauging of where you're at to make sure the training is appropriate for you. Uh huh. So I've done a lot of like where, like testing. So I'm very in tune right now with what something weighs, you know, because they'll be like,

pick this up. How does this feel to you? Okay. Is this heavy to you? You know. You're doing dumbbells and we're doing like strict press and deadlifts and whatever, rows and so every time they're like. And fart twisters.

They go, is that, how heavy is that to you? Like five or six? Is that a 10? So they're, they're trying to figure out exactly where you're, where you're at, right? So when you asked me this question, I thought, you know, I'm really in tune to weight right now. So I sat under you and you're like, just come up and lift up one of my boobs. Right.

Because. I pressed up. Yeah. And I was able to say that's about 22 pounds. One of them or both? One. One. No.

Yeah. That's not cool. It can't be 22 for one. I'm going to guess 10 and 10, 20 total. I think about 20 each. No. No, you're exaggerating. I'm not exaggerating because here's my problem is that I can't be objective when

I lift them myself. Of course you can't. I can't really. I think I'm a pretty 20 each is, I can't, I can't be carrying 40 pounds around on my chest right now. Really reasonable. These chest beefers? Yeah.

You got big old milky beefers in there. My kettlebells? No way. A couple of cow udders sitting on you right now. Yeah. Well, they're enormous now because of this pregnancy, but I'm thinking 20 total because my back, it's really hard to sit, to be upright. I might meet you halfway.

I might give up five and say, okay, they're 15, but I don't think they're much less than that. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Not less than 15. Let us know how much do big tits weigh? What do big tits weigh?

Here's what would be great. Is there a woman out there that works maybe in an office where dropping one of those big old hangers on a scale is something you could do? Yeah. I feel like too, I can't weigh my tits on a bathroom scale. No. It needs to be somewhere you can drop that titty. You know what I mean?

Like at the grocery store when you used to weigh your fruits and vegetables. Your produce and everything. Yeah. The whole foods and I could weigh my tits there. Yeah. That might be something they'd be really into. They still have those scales in the fish and the meat department when you buy. Yeah.

You know, if you're like, I want to get a shrimp, how much do I want a pound or whatever. You know what you should do? Let's have people guess my tit weight and then I have to go weigh them. Let's find a way to actually weigh them and have a contest. Maybe we could order one of those scales. I mean, I know that the Stamps.com one doesn't go up that high. So maybe we, maybe we could order a scale from, maybe online you can buy them. Listen, somebody listening knows what scale we need.

Yeah. Someone out there. Guys, if you know what the fuck we need, have it sent to us so we can weigh my tits and let's take bets and let's see. Let's weigh those tits. And with that, I know you have to take off for a moment. Yeah, just for a minute. We'll come back.

We'll come back. We'll have a, our guests might be here by the time you, or maybe they're, no? Okay. We'll pick up in a minute. Okay. So take care of that. And we'll be back momentarily. You won't really know that we left.

All right. We're back. Back in action. So we're going to weigh my tits. That's what we decided. And someone's going to help us out. So we'll figure it out. The logistics of it.

I know you mentioned that that was a, I don't know if you want to get into it. That was a crazy fart during the Super Bowl yesterday. Your Super Bowl fart was a really out, just out there. Like it, it was kind of uncalled for. It was something. I had two or three parts, but those are just luck of the draw. You know what I mean? Cause you feel something in the chamber and you go, here it is.

And you're expecting, and then sometimes you go, and then it goes, sounds like it's someone's revving an engine, but that's just luck that you can't really predict it. It did sound like you were a motorcycle and then you were wearing your boxers, like you had your full dad outfit on, it was just a t-shirt, the boxers, and then you lifted a leg and you looked at both Ellis and I. And it stayed in the room. That was the crazy part. I just didn't know it was going to stay.

The worst part is that it stayed. Stayed and it's dunking. Oh my God. It was really bad. It's probably my greatest Super Bowl memory. But your bowel movements have been extra smelly lately because I've been, the last two times I've gone up to our bathroom, it's very sour in there. And I know it's because you've just been there.

Yeah. It's pretty neat. One thing I wanted to address, oh, first of all, before I forget, because I keep forgetting, the mugs. People ask us for mugs forever. There's two mugs. I don't want to forget to tell you, because I told you on social media. Facebook.

Facebook, social media. So this is one that came out. It says a next stop brown talk. That's one's out. Now, if I might say so myself, that is a perfect thing for a coffee mug, because that's what happens when you drink coffee. That's the next stop. Yeah.

That's your next stop. Yeah. And then this one's from my special. It says, don't you hate everyone? Fantastic. I just wanted to tell you that those are there. You can go to merchmethod.com slash tomcigura or go to tomcigura.com, click on the store. That's it.

So last week, I don't know if you're actually keyed in on this or not. I don't know if you're aware, but there was a lot of comments on Facebook, social media, Twitter, even Instagram, and YouTube's. People were like, what the fuck? And they were accusing me. They were saying, hey, Tom, could you stop dad breathing? Yeah. You know what?

I read those two and I was a little upset because I'm like, I'm sick assholes. But here's the thing. I mean, how am I supposed to breathe? I understand that. Could you at least direct them to direct their anger to you? They all assumed it was me. Well, it's so silly. I mean, look, I was congested.

I've been sick for two weeks. But that's the main thing is I get why it happened. I get why it happened, but it was you. Very rude. It was you. And just so if you don't know. Anyways, we had a lot to cover. Let's...

You're terrible. You're the worst. The film reports tailwind conditions in real time as it passes from the stomach to the colon. Because there were some people that wanted to do that, do that, do that. People would come in. Splash. They'd rent their rooms.

Yeah. But that big thing was hookers. What? What? What? Guys. TM. Traylor.

I love bomber movies. I feel like it's a white... White people are like... Yes. And then the... And then... And then I've seen it more now. You know, traveling stuff is like...

All right. Guys that do it. Yeah. So the new breathing loud champ is not dad. It's mom. No. First of all, that was seasonal because of my sickness. The real breathing champ is Top Dog.

Well, Top Dog is far and away. He invented dad breathing. He is the... Yeah. It's terrible. Also being pregnant... He goes, that's how I breathe. That's the worst part.

But also being pregnant makes me wind it just so you know. Like I'll just be sitting here. It's because you have so much shit going on. Hey, I'm not fighting you on it. It wasn't the thing. I just wanted people to know where to point their anger because I kept getting the messages. Hey, Tom, you think you could take it easy? And I would tell you if I go, oh, that week that was me.

I'd be like, yeah, I was congested or something. But I was like, you're the nasal champ that week. There it is. The worst part about my dad is when he breathes like a real dad on the phone. He's like... And he does it. And you go, could you just move the phone? Because it's not that big of an adjustment.

You're just saying he's putting the receiver or the mouthpiece here and you're like, could you just adjust it here? Then anyway, you could keep breathing heavily and it just wouldn't be into the mic essentially. So I like to talk. But the thing is, when you're on the phone, you can hear yourself breathing. You can hear it. I think it actually satisfies him. In other words, I think he, you know, it's like when you're tapping your fingers or tapping

your foot. Yeah, it feels good to you. It feels good to you. I think he enjoys that loud breath through his ear when he's on the phone. I think it gives him some sense of calm. Or maybe he can't hear so well. Maybe his hearing isn't great. I think he hears it and actually likes it the same way when you tap your foot you like.

If everyone else is like, hey, do you think you could fucking stop doing that? Am I a foottapper? No. Do I? No. Like ticky things. Yeah. I mean, I have to be in a mood for that.

Yeah. Anxious. Anxious. Especially bored. Yeah. I'll do like a twirl thing. If I have a pen, I'll start fucking around with it. Yeah.

But I'm not going crazy with it. I hate the person on the airplane that the leg shaker. Oh, yeah. That asshole died. I grabbed a leg behind me once. You grabbed a leg? Yeah. I really did.

Yeah. You're like, stop it. No. I reached back and I go, could you stop that? And he goes, sorry, sorry, sorry. He knew what he was doing. Yeah. Yeah.

On the plane, everyone feels the vibrations, bros. Yeah. You fucking cock suckers. Yeah. Some people let their kids go nuts with that, too. We don't let Elja get away with that shit. No. Because you know why?

We're self-aware. We realize that what he's doing is going to upset the other person. He's going to bother people. Yeah. We don't want them. So we watched the Griselda Blanco film, Lifetime, which I'm a huge fan of Griselda's. I've been wondering why they haven't made more movies and more series around. For people that don't know, Billy Corbin, the great Miami-based director.

Smashing Pumpkins. He did. It is Corbin, right? I don't know. Did I say his name right? Billy Corrigan was in the role. Oh, I'm thinking, yeah, Corbin, no, no, I said it right, the director. He made Cocaine Cowboys, Cocaine Cowboys II, the U, that ESPN thing, the U-Part II broke.

He's a, anyways, he's a great, great director. He made the one that basically put her name into the pop culture reference pool, tells the story about this Colombian woman who became one of the biggest drug cartel leaders. She was from the same city of Escobar, Madean, Colombia, moved to Miami, was running this whole Miami operation. Anyways, crazy elaborate story. His doc about it is phenomenal. His about her is Cocaine Cowboys II.

That's the one that's about her, I believe. And it's great because the lifetime television version is going to be softer A and B mom-friendly. So Griselda Blanco in real life. But we were very curious. No, I love her. I'll watch anything about Griselda. I'm just fascinated by this woman, La Madrina. And so, anyways, she's a sociopath, undoubtedly, a psycho.

She invented the drive-by shooting, motorcycle shooting. They give her credit for coming up with that idea. She's like, well, how about till you jump on a motorcycle, one of you drives down back and just use an Uzi, and they were like, this is a good idea. I mean, and how neat to be credited as the inventor of something so efficient. So she's a real psycho, this lady. But the lifetime television version, because she's the mother of four children, makes her out to be a loving, doting mom, which is hilarious to me.

She's concerned with the kids' grades, and I do better in school, like all this shit. She probably wasn't caring. I don't think she cared at all, no. She's lunatic. Yeah, but it's funny because that's the storyline that lifetime television really follows. They have to dress it up. The loving mother storyline, which is hilarious. Cassidy Jones was really good in it.

Fantastic. But now, I have a respect for this when it comes to a newfound respect to other languages. But it's so, it's anybody who knows a certain accent, it's going to fuck you up. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like when I first watched Narcos, the actor that he's a Brazilian guy, plays Pablo Escobar, and they make him speak Spanish. He's a great actor, but you're taken out of the movie the whole, or the series because

his Spanish is so bad. Well, it's kind of like- In hers, her accent, she's supposed to be speaking English, but with a Spanish accent. And you would hear Spanish, then you would hear her native Welsh accent, then it would be like American accent. So it was kind of all over the place. It wasn't horrible, but it is like one of those things like, oh, we were watching that movie with Denzel and Colin Farrell.

And Colin Farrell was supposed to be playing an American guy. And then just certain parts of the movies, he'd just say I'm totally Irish, and I'd just go back to it. Little things like that do- It's very distracting. I'm watching the show Victoria, it's a television series, a BBC series, and there's two brothers. They're from Austria. One of them does an Austrian accent really well.

The other guy that plays his brother does an English accent. So how the fuck is it that both y'all are brothers in Austria and one of you is British? Why isn't a director at that point going like, we're either all in or- We're all doing British or we're all doing Austrian and we need a dialect coach. I even remember, it's so funny how much it affects me, and of course I wouldn't have this opinion about languages I'm not familiar with, you know, but because I'm familiar with Spanish, what was that series on HBO that Burns was on? Oh, it was Enlightened.

Enlightened. And they had this one episode where I think there was- Laura Dern. Yes, and she was great and it was really cool, like really thoughtful. Great movie. I mean, a TV show. Yeah, a great TV show. This one episode had these, like, immigrant Mexican immigrant protesters, I forget what

the issue was, and then a news crew shows up and interviews them, and the actress they gave the line to, to speak to the news media, spoke, was clearly Latin or looked Latin, speaks Spanish horrifically, like doesn't know how to speak Spanish, and the only thing I could think when I'm watching is, why would, in this city, is filmed in LA, why would you give that part to someone, there's 100,000 women that could have said that line efficiently and effectively. Dude, it's over 50% Latin community in Los Angeles. You don't think there's a Mexican-Spanish-speaking actress that could have said, like they went

like, what happened? She's like, yo no quiero ir mañana al trabajo, and you're like, pfft, and they're like this poor immigrant woman, and you're like, god damn dude, that's your choice? And especially because even I can hear that. Of course. At that point, and I'm not a native speaker. Every kid that took Spanish one in fucking high school is like, that's terrible. Yeah.

Well, it's like when they would have Lou Diamond Phillips play the parts of, like, Richie Valens. Well, I got to admit, when I was a kid I had no idea. Oh yeah, but he's fucking Filipino. I know, but I mean, as a kid I had no idea. I was like, that's awesome, he's Mexican, that's what I thought, so they got me good on that one. Yeah, they couldn't find a, you know, handsome Mexican dude, that's fucked up.

Now they go to the extremes where, what was that one where Matt Damon was cast in the role of an Asian, it was like the Great Wall one, it's supposed to be an Asian one. I don't remember that one. You don't remember that? That was pretty recent. Now did they cover his masturbation habits in that film? I don't know. I didn't see it.

I was playing an Asian guy that I didn't, now there was an even more recent movie that was coming out where they cast a white guy to play what is clearly intended to be an Asian role and then the white guy, after the blowback, bowed out and was like, this should be played by an Asian guy. And so he bowed out and they hired an Asian actor, which I kind of, I think that makes, I think if they're like, it's 1963 and this is taking place in Tokyo and it's a story of Japanese people and they're like, you know, it'd be great to caprio. That's fucking kind of stupid.

Yeah. Well, this isn't the medieval period in Shakespeare plays where men dress up as women, like you can hire women. Yeah. You can hire the person that, and you can give the line to someone that could say it, you know, somewhat, unless we're talking about some... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's how I speak Spanish. 00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:42,200 She's a very upset Mexican woman. Yeah. That shit was so stupid. Yeah, it's especially in LA. Come on, man.

Come on. Get your life, motherfuckers. All right. There we go. All right? So, another fun game you and I have been playing. Yeah. It's a new waiter game, where we replace...

Yeah. The other day, when I went to eat lunch, and there were artichokes, grilled artichokes, and you dared me to say fartichokes to the waiter, and I asked a question, and I snuck it in. You did. And it was great. I was like, are these fartichokes grilled? That's a really fun one.

Or battered or fried. Yeah. It was so fun, and he didn't seem to catch it. I don't know if he caught it and was like, oh, stupid lady, dumb broad. That was pretty great. That felt really good. Yeah. Why can't you just say, I go, how are the fartichokes made?

He's like, well, I mean, we can fry them, or we can season them. Yeah. Didn't skip a beat. Just depends on how you want to eat them. We're like, I don't know, I mean, I like fartichoke, but fried seems like it might be a little much, you know? He's like, okay. But it's a fun game to play to just sneak it into whatever you're doing with a friend

to a waiter and see if they catch on. Of course. Fartichokes. You can get away with it. That's the whole thing. It's the game. And then you're also going to make them play the game in their own mind of, am I going to call out this person that says fartichoke, because they also have to second guess.

Like, did they just say fartichoke, you know? That's the best part. Is that, nope, but you wouldn't correct somebody. Like if I were waiting tables and somebody said, I'd laugh, I'd be like, did they say fartichoke? Yeah. Because it's so fast. Life happens so fast.

Life comes at you fast like a fartichoke would. I have been calling a lot of people mommy, like everybody I call mommy now. And no, I've gotten zero blowback on that. I'm talking like, you know, TSA agents, grocery store clerks. Everybody's just mommy now. Everybody. Hey mommy, hey mommy. No, they never catch it.

Nobody says anything. Yeah. Nobody's ready to, you know what a new game could be, is maybe introduce yourself to people, you know? Hi, I'm Sierra Sin and I'm a ball hog. Sierra Sin is a new one. No, that's one of the originals. Where's Peyton Lafferty?

Oh, she's right there. You think she went away? Hi, I'm Peyton Lafferty and I'm a ball hog. I like her delivery. She's like, I'm a ball hog. I think it'd be good to do, like, what's the scenario? It's when you introduce, it's got to be on introduction. Like if you go, someone's like, you walk up, you go, hey, I'm, you know, I'm Peyton

Lafferty. Or whatever. You could just say your name. I'm Kevin Smith and I'm a ball hog and they go, I'm sorry, because they'll think they're misunderstanding you. Yeah. What if you're checking into a hotel or a restaurant reservation? If you made a dinner reservation, if you walked up and you just said like, hi, I'm John Brenner

and I'm a ball hog, they're like, I'm sorry, two at seven. Oh, yeah. I'm a ball hog. Or you could do it when you're making the reservation. Hi, you know, this is Ruth's Chris. Yeah. And you go, oh, hey, my name is, is a. You can say it yourself.

Your name is? My name is Craig Donner and I'm a ball hog and they go, I'm sorry. I wanted to know if you have a table for four. See, you think, you think that I don't know what you're doing right now. What do you mean? You're trying to get me to say it. I'm blah, blah, blah, and I'm a ball hog. No, I'm not.

Cut it up. No. And put it in next week's episode. See, you're fucking transparent. I know this shit right now. That's not what I'm doing. Oh, yeah, sure. No, I was actually setting up that people are out there already doing the Lord's work.

I mean, this guy, Zach, sent in, this is from his, his actual office as far as. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. Well, I'll just play this real quick. Let's play this real quickly. Yeah. And I'm a ball hog.

My name's Taylor Moose, and I'm a ball hog. My name's Kimani, and I'm a ball hog. Your problem game is a fucking ball hog. What? I'm a ball hog. My name's Peyton Lafferty, and I'm a ball hog. My name's Derek, and I'm a ball hog. Yeah.

I love it. My name is Alexis, and I'm a ball hog. That's Duncan Trussell. I know. Is that Duncan's brother? That's fantastic. That's amazing. This is unsolicited, of course.

You just sent that in. So thank you to all you ball hogs. Wow. And anybody who wants to, I think it would be also great if you could get one of your parents to say it. That's a ball. In the kind of world of 69, you'd be like, Dad, could you say your name in the same way as a ball hog?

What? Just say it. Or I would even dare say what you're saying. If we go to Starbucks, instead of, hey, mommy, thanks, Jeans. Hi, I'm Tom, I'm a ball hog. Oh, yeah. Dad's double tall. Yeah, that's a good one.

Double tall, whatever. Yeah, that's right. I like these guys. I think they all work in the same kitchen. It looks like we have a kitchen crew. It does. Someone did it at work. That was great.

That's your mom's house, man. So shout out to those dudes. And I hope they pay you well. I hope you have time to be yourself and be a ball hog at work. Let's take another quick break here and go see who our guest is here. Get our guest. Okay. All right, all right.

We're back. Our guest is here. He said, you have to tell them I'm the pod father. I started all this shit. So I'll give him the introduction. It's very demanding. He's a super dude. I don't remember.

All right. I said, you have 15 minutes. Wrap it up quick. So we're going to follow all the demands. His royal highness. Oh my God. The inventor of podcasting. This is not going to go well for me on Twitter with your people.

You may have seen him most recently on one of his Netflix specials or on the hit show Glow. Come on. Please tell me there's a season two. Yeah. We just got done. Oh shit. Like two weeks ago.

Well, I didn't even say his name. It's Mark Marin. Thank you. There he is. Thanks for having me. Thank you for coming. Oh my gosh. It was so funny when we were just talking about rodents when the mics weren't on.

That's right. That's right. You realize that I was talking like I thought I was on. Well, yeah. You're like, you know, we're not on. Yeah. You know, because I had gone into like, well, like I started to tell the story as if I were broadcasting.

Good call on that. Because I was about to make a fool out of myself. I wanted to save it. You know, because if I would have went through that whole story and you would have said, all right, we're going to do it wrong. You'd be like, dude, that was good. That was the story. I was in it.

I know. I was in broadcast brain. It's so funny how that becomes something you never considered before. Yeah. But now when you go to do people's podcasts or if you stop in a radio station and you're like, and then you see people nodding and you're like, do you hit record on this shit yet? And they're like, no.

You're like, dude, come on. I'm stopping myself. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not a big broadcaster that I've learned how to do it myself. Well, you tell me, because I've actually wondered this, you know, everyone knows WTF. It's like, it's especially the place to go to, hey, I want to get to know what the person's really like.

Right. You've had like every comic actor. Was it something where you had heard a podcast and then you went, oh, like I could do this? I don't think so. I don't think no. I don't think I heard anything. I was just desperate and had done some radio before. I liked it and I was just spiraling down in a dark drain.

Really? Yeah. I didn't really listen to podcasts, podcasts, but I knew that people did them. So when I lost my last job at the outlet that I was at, like at Air America doing a video thing, I asked my producer, I'm like, can you figure out how to do this? I mean, you know, Corolla went right from radio. But then there was people like Kevin Smith and Jimmy Pardo, right? And so were there's already up and going though?

Right. Yeah. Of guys I knew. Okay. Right. And it wasn't that many. There were podcasts out there, but the guys I knew of were Corolla, Pardo, Jimmy Dore, and Todd Glass had a show, Kevin Smith's Little Empire.

But outside of that, I think like Benson and Rogan and Hardwick, all those guys started around the same time as me or after me. Okay. And it was like just the Wild West. And it was at that time, man, we used to, like we couldn't figure out how to make money. You know, there was no, you know, you couldn't, either you closed the gate on it and charged people, which was stupid because then you couldn't build your audience or you figured out some other shit.

And we, you know, we had this tiered donation thing where people would just do a recurring donation, $5, $10, if you don't, $25. And then if you gave us like 250 bucks, I'd send you all this swag. So there was a point there at the beginning where my entire house was just envelopes. Like I'd made this mailing list and it was just me and I had a roommate because I was doing so shitty at that time. And she was helping me. We just had just, we were mailing t-shirts.

Well, is that, was that the love, was that the time doing the donations thing when you began to realize how many people were listening? In other words, because the level of donations, like when did you become aware of like, oh, there's actually like a lot of it. It carried us for a while because none of us knew how to make money. Yeah. There was just no mid role. There was no real ads.

I mean, I had just coffee who, who I carried over who, you know, they, they charged, I charged them like 400 a month and they gave, and they gave me free coffee. It's hilarious. And, and then audible was around just because we'd picked some of those up from real radio days. But at that time, the donation sort of carried us. I mean, we got enough people that, you know, held over from radio a little bit, but they, I didn't do politics anymore, but they still hung out. We, it was really only about a year or so ago where we realized that there were still

people giving $10 a month and we had, and we had to be like, Hey, you know, you really don't have to do this anymore. Yeah. You know, thanks a lot. Cause it was like, it wasn't a hidden charge or anything. They see it. Yeah. Wait, what year is this that you started the show?

2009. You know what? He looks so uncomfortable. Okay. What do you mean? Do you uncomfortable in this chair? Not really. I can get you a better one.

Not really. No, you just, okay. Do you want me to wheel that one? I would, the only thing I'm concerned about is whether I'm going to pull this, my ear phones out. You know what I could do? Let's move this back and I'll move in here and then in case like one of you makes me laugh and I go back, my, my headphones don't come off.

I feel like an idiot. That's not going to happen. It always happens. It always happens. So that's the story. I just, I learned how to do this. And I don't, I never really thought I did it that well on radio and, um, but I, I don't have the greatest, I learned how to stop and pause and not too much.

But I don't think I'm, I'm very good at classic broadcasting, but it doesn't matter if you make it your own as you know, you have, you have your own thing going. Yeah. And once you learn how to talk by yourself, you know, it's a, that was a big breakthrough. That was the biggest breakthrough. When I had a guest host, someone's radio show, I was like, fucking three hours, dude, alone, but you had breaks and he had, but back then you're like, you're

only doing like you're, you got six minute break each half hour. So you do like 10 to 12 minutes. So you're in your mind, but I just ramble. And it was, it was so scary to give yourself a set list where you're like, I got to hit a little bit sometimes, but then I had to talk specifically about stuff, but one day like it just clicked and I was like, uh, I can do this. It's a great, I mean, I don't have to tell you, it's a great podcast. Thank you.

I'm glad it's still is still working. So it's weird to say it, but like I was so sometimes, you know, we do obviously a lot of things and in the podcasting and performing and I won't necessarily be like, oh, I got to go watch Christina do this. And I don't think she does the same for me, but her WTF is phenomenal. Did you learn any new things? Yeah. I was like, what is this?

When you guys had a baby together because that's the funniest thing. Yeah, cause you, what are you saying? You had that dream that you told me about, that's right. That's right. That Mark approached you was like, you're my kid. That's right. You told me about it. Oh, you didn't know that you told me about that?

No, I forgot. That's why I have no memory anymore. But you were, you were my baby daddy or you thought you were. Right. And you were mad at him? Always. Yeah. And then I, when you woke up.

Yeah. I get mad at him about a dream that I had always. We never talked, we were talking about this before on the show. I don't think we ever have. I'm talking about it on stage now at Mark's suggestion. Yeah. That's a great idea. Does it work?

Yeah. Yeah. And then I just, you know, I make you, every time I go up, I make you a little bit crazier. That's cool. I'm embracing it. That's the fun part. Yeah. We should see what I'm saying.

Yeah. The fun, yeah. Just wait, just wait. Yeah, but when you told me that one, that was, you were like. Yes, I got angry at you. Marion said that he was the father and I'm like, that's great. Well, the fact that she gets mad at you is such another level of relationship problems. Like, like the, like the level of reality isn't enough.

No. Attention and weirdness. It's now you're unconscious. Sure. You're going to pay for that too. I'm going to go on and REM sleep right now with us. Well, I get mad when you cheat on me and in my dreams and stuff. Yeah.

You know why it's cause I was heavy into glow at the time. I think that's why I was dreaming. It actually happened that week that you were like, I can't stop watching the show. It's so good. It's so good. I saw a couple, like I would, it would be like, she had started watching it when I was out. So I come in and the show's already on. She's on the third episode and I kept seeing scenes, just, you know, random points.

Yeah. The one of the girls, the girl from Nurse Jackie that is, she's fantastic. She's so good. And she was so, we always talk about how Nurse Jackie is another show that she got me into. Yeah. I would have never pressed play on. I didn't watch it. And I just went, well, one of the creators is a Nurse Jackie writer.

Oh, I love it. Carly Mench, I think the two people that, the women that created glow met on Nurse Jackie. Oh, okay. Love, I love it. I think it's such a great show. Well, you know, who I'm most impressed with is Mark. I know. Because you play such a great piece of shit.

You're so good at being a scumbag. And I know you in real life as a sweet, loving, you know, you're a nice guy. You're a lovable scumbag. Yeah, he's, it's so good. He would deems himself. He does. But I had to text him as I'm watching, being like, you're fucking so good at this. I had no idea.

Oh, well, I don't, I don't want to, you know, shock anybody, but I've, I've been a scumbag before. Yeah, you said, you texted that back, so. I don't know if that surprise is, you know, there was that time in my life where I was kind of an asshole and, and, and there's still flurries of it. I have asshole flurries even now. Yeah. What, what era is this for you? What age and what was going on with that?

With the asshole, I just think, well, specifically in relationships, I think that my, my, my first, my second marriage was a bit of a disaster and it was a disaster because I was an emotionally immature, a jealous, resentful, insecure fuck. And you, and you were that guy, you were that guy in glow? Well, no, that guy in glow is probably not as volatile. You know, that guy in glow doesn't have a lot of self-awareness. He's not that self-conscious, you know, there's, you do have the benefit of the period being

a little more embracing towards, uh, you know, that type of sexuality and objectification and just sort of blatant sexism. Yeah. Uh, but he, he's sort of cavalier about it, but I don't think he's an unfamiliar character. No. To, to anybody. Yeah. No.

Who lived then and even now. Now. But I think that as the series goes on, it feels like he's finding a little heart. And I think there's a dynamic that's going on between me and Alice and Bree's character that is very revealing because I don't, you see this stuff, you get the script and you kind of go through it and I don't know how it's going to feel or where it's going to go, but it, it's gotten pretty, um, it's pretty wild because I, I'm a pretty big dick in the second season at the beginning, but then, you know, something starts to give a little

bit. I'm not sure what it is. It's in the writing. I'm not thinking about it too much, but yeah, being that kind of asshole, if he was unredeemable, I don't know if I could do it. If he was just cruel, but. Well, no, and I don't want to give away anything, but you do find a part of yourself maybe that you, you know, you become a little more paternal, let's say that way.

Yeah. With her primarily, I think with Allison for some reason, something is going on there. Yeah. There's some, that, that episode at the abortion clinic is kind of mind blowing. That one, you know what I liked, uh, is that you guys went through with it and it wasn't usually. Yeah, it was just a matter of facts. Yeah.

And TV shows, they never go through with it. The woman's always like, I changed my mind. And it was nice just to see it and it's not like it just happens. Yeah. And it wasn't some big moral conflict. It was just sort of what needed to be done and she had decided and I was just there to, uh, to hang out. Did you guys get donuts after?

Sure. Yeah, that was the thing. We, they didn't, we didn't show that, but we assume we got donuts. I wanted to see the scene where you got donuts after the abortion. I know. Yeah. But, but usually there's, it could be some nausea, you know. Oh, oh, I didn't know.

But that was, I haven't had one of those. That's one of the saddest things I've ever saw in my life. An abortion. I don't want to bring everything, everything down. No, but when I just, I used to live in Boston and right around the corner for me was a family planning clinic and there was always a dude out front with the, you know, butchered babies, uh, placard, you know, holding it up and the rosaries and all kinds of crazy. And, but one time I just saw a couple of walk out of there and like they walked like

down the steps around the corner and then the, the, the woman just like puked and I was like, that is sad. That's brutal. It's like after all that, I guess the anesthesia, like anesthesia or something. I mean, I think I, I just think it's probably not uncommon. It's probably just a traumatic decision. Wow. I just took us down a terrible bar one.

That's what this show is all about. I started it. No, I, I really enjoyed that. Wait, have you guys ever done the, uh. Paid for an abortion? No, no, the Denver improv. Yeah. Have you ever paid for no six, seven?

I don't know. The, the Denver improv, they put you up at a hotel, which is just, or two blocks away from an abortion clinic. I don't remember the name of it. Oh, you, oh, you talking about the, the suburban works? The suburban, no, the suburban improv, the Denver, it's actually towards the airport. It's nowhere. I've never played there.

I only play the works. Well, you're making a good decision and I've only played the one downtown. That's the best one. That's the best one. Yeah. But this one, they put you, it's two blocks away from an abortion clinic. And just what you're talking about, like there's picketers constantly. And you're like, don't you guys get tired?

Like you're not convincing any more. No, they're saving lives in their mind. Right. They're doing the right thing. Yeah, they're making, you know, an already difficult decision, even more relentlessly horrible for anybody. You feel bad about yourself? How about now?

God. You're not going to heaven. Have a good time. This decision. Do what you have to do. That I've lost sleep over the weeks. Yeah, you selfish fucks. God.

Yeah. How many abortions have you paid for, Tommy? Oh boy, this is going to be some heavy stuff. You don't know? I really don't know. Tom, please. I had a nice stretch of college. Well, when I lost some weight, I was feeling good.

And a lot of people were like, there's no way you need to wear one. So then I would just, you know, bang, bang, bang. And then when they were like, hey, I'm thinking about, I'd be like, I don't even speak English. So you probably should go with somebody else, you know? Cool story. I'll tell you this. I am not opposed to funding a few.

If somebody wants to send me a message and tell me about what? Funding just strangers abortions? Yeah. You want to start a fund? No, no. Like your mom's house abortion fund? It's like I like being charitable. And if that's something that I could participate in since I've never

actually heard from the emails, subject line in trouble. Got three weeks, dude. I got three weeks. Don't court this. Are you crazy? I already get a lot of hate. Do you? Oh, about what?

Let's not even get it. Yeah, just stuff. OK. Well, then he has to sit. What do you, you get hate mail? No, no, just the general. It's like, you know, you put out a special. Right.

And then somebody doesn't like a job. A bit? Yeah, yeah. Oh, you get that stuff? Yeah, yeah. Especially this Louisiana thing. It's like I did a bit about Louisiana. Oh, people get very strangely like, if you say anything shitty about any city,

even if it's a shitty city. Yeah. You're going to get the die hard. So I'm like, hey, man, maybe you haven't spent enough time in Buffalo. Yeah. I don't know. I think I did. You just had Buffalo.

I was four days and I was good. And I get in other cities that are usually get teet off on. Yeah. Buffalo, Cleveland. Yeah. Those are kind of like the go to like you suck. And then they take pride in going like, I know that this place sucks. I love how much it sucks.

Yeah. And I'm never leaving. You're like, all right. And then most of them sometimes will. Cleveland has a good block. That's true. And it's right by that comedy club. Yes.

It's right by Hilarities. Yeah. What's a restaurant? It's East Fourth Street. Tavern. Sure. Michael Simons. Oh, that's the greenhouse tavern.

Oh, my God, the best. My favorite restaurant in the country. That guy is Michael Simons, Simon's old sous chef. And I always forget his name. And I always talk about that restaurant, the greenhouse tavern. That's my fave, too. Yeah, it's great. We talk about it for, here's how crazy it was.

When I was playing Hilarities, you know, you could at least run over there. Before, when I played the improv and I found out about that place, I would tell the guy, because the only night I could eat there would be Thursday or Sunday. Yeah. So I would do it on Thursday, always. And then Sunday, it's like the Sunday show ends at, let's say, 8.30. Yeah. And that place closes at Sunday at 9.

So I would tell the guy, hey, have your, because they'd have a driver for you, even when you played the improv. Yeah. Have them at the green room door, have the check ready. Yeah. I'm not doing merch. Yeah. I'm just going to run out of the door.

Run to eat. You want to eat that place? Because that's so good. And then I would call and say, I'm going to be there in 12 minutes. Yeah. And they're like, OK. They took Harriet? What's that guy's name?

It's Michael something. Well, that's the other guy. No, no, I think the actual chef's name is Michael. Really? Yeah. Well, they got that pig dish, right? With the three, they cook it three ways. God damn it.

Do you know what happened to me once? Do you remember the stream? Everything's good there. So one time I get there, and they know I'm psycho for the place. Yeah. And I go, you know, I've had, I did the tasting. Jonathan Sawyer. Is it, you're right.

I said Michael Schwartz. Michael, well, Michael Simon. But you're right, Jonathan Sawyer. He's his old boss. He's got the restaurant down the street. Yeah. And then he got that grilled cheese restaurant. And isn't there a sausage place in Cleveland too

that make the good sausages? And then there's that. There's a great coffee place. The corned beef joint. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you do radio. That's right. They have a kastrami and corned beef.

It's just all corned beef. Yes, yes. I've been there twice after fucking morning radio. That's right. You guys, do you want to go get corned beef? I'm like, sure. What time is it? Nine?

Yeah. That sounds great. Yeah. It's perfect. And then as you walk in, you only go with him because he's so nice. And you're like, I'll just get eggs. Yeah.

And then you're like, I'll get corned beef. And then you try it. And you're like, this is it. What's that place called? Is it called? Slidles? Slidles, right. I think that's it.

So good. Yeah. But when I went to the greenhouse last time. Slimeans. Slimeans, yeah. You remember this? I get to the greenhouse tavern. Yeah.

And I go, I had the tasting menu on Thursday. And I go, I want so much. And so can you get me some recommendations? Yeah. So they go, you should try this appetizer. You should try this little small plate. Have you had the pig's head pork? Yeah.

Yeah. And I go, no. And they go, well, you should definitely have that. And then we'll bring this for the dessert. OK. So I have the appetizer, this and that. The pig's head is literally half of a boar's head. And because of how it's supposed to be prepared,

they bring you six. I never had that. OK, they bring you six buns to make sandwiches with. Yeah. Because it's a place. It's a family style. To order for like six to eight people. And they just gave, they didn't give you heads up on that.

No heads up. So he puts it up and I go, and I'm supposed to do what? And he's like, it's delicious. So I just start gorging. I mean, like really. On half a head of a boar. And force feeding it. And then he's like, don't forget we got the other thing coming.

So then it's like. You can feel bad. You want to put a dent in it. Oh, man. Sick. I felt beyond sick. Desserts get clean. I called her.

10 minutes later, I go, you'll never guess where I am. I'm in my show clothes, my jeans, my shirt. I'm on the treadmill in the gym because I think I'm going to throw up if I sit down or lay down. And I walked on the treadmill at that hotel for, I think, over an hour. And I go, this is just to try to help it go down. I feel like I'm going to die if I get off of this right now.

You were in your show clothes still. I was, yeah. I was still in the boots and the jeans and the collared shirt. But it was worth it. I mean, it's so fucking. You want to do that stuff. I mean, there's a couple of places where you just have to stop because I have a little bit of a cholesterol issue.

So that's kind of put the damper on it. And I don't want to take the pills. So I just eat fish now. But there's a couple of places like that where you just got to do it. There's that place in Montreal, a Pied des Couchons, I think it's called, where they do that kind of stuff. It's like a poutine kind of joint.

No, it's not poutine. It's high-end meat. They do a pig head. They do a whole head of pig. They do a lot of foie gras stuff. They do like a buckwheat pancake with a piece of foie gras, apple, cheddar cheese, maple syrup. It's fucking nuts.

And they do ducks. And they do all kinds of weird pours. Head cheese. They make their own head cheese. When you eat that kind of pancake. I'm sweating. I'm sweating now. I can actually feel that foie gras in your heart valves.

The richest you do, man. You do. And if I used to go to Austin, I'd drive out to Opies in Spicewood because someone hit me to that place. And now they know me because I never shut up about it. Because everyone talks about Austin barbecue, about Franklins, and about all the other ones. But this one, some food critic that I met in Austin years

ago told me about Opies. It's about 25 miles out in this place called Spicewood. And it's the experience you want to have. Because you've got to drive there, and you pull up to something that looks like a hanger. And it just says barbecue, like Opies on it. And you go in, and there's an old, it's almost like an open casket situation, where it's an old steamer or an old oven

where you lift the lid, and it's all the meats that they have at that moment. And you just point at shit, and they'll take it, and they'll cut it by the pound for you. So they know me now. So now when I go in there, it's like, just a mount. Like, I'm done. Like, if I go in at two, I'm fucked for a day or two.

Anything meat related, it's over for me too. It's so good. You give me meat options. Did you do haddies in Nashville? You do that one too? Oh, wait. Yeah, I have been to haddies. What is that?

It's a haddies hot chicken. I go to Princes. Princes, the original strip mall hot chicken. Like, it's like, you go in, it's kind of ghetto. I can say ghetto still, right? Yeah, all right, black. It's very black, the institution. That's better.

No, but like you go in, and the woman who owns Princes is in the back somewhere, and when you walk in, there's a lot of commotion going on. The last time I was there, there was an armed guy out front. But it's like the original hot chicken place. And you go in, there's a window. There's still a pay phone there. There's like four booths.

That's very telling. You saw a working pay phone. Yeah, and you got the mild, you got the medium, and then you got the hot, and you got extra hot. But it's where it got its original. And the people, they tell you, don't the extra hot. Don't fuck with it, dude, yeah. Dude, this was bad.

It was like, you had to do it. I had to do it. I went there with Kanane once, I dragged him there. But after I had, I was there with Singer, the first time, and a couple other dudes. And I'm like, gotta get the hot, and I got the hot, and you take one bite, and your whole face starts to burn. Like, if you get it on your hands,

and you touch anything else, you're in trouble. But you're crying, and I don't know if you've ever eaten something so hot, you get the hiccups. You don't even know why, and you can't stop, it's just pain, but it's completely a mind-numbing, sensory experience. Like, it's horrible, but you're like, I gotta do it. And how far do you go all the way through it?

Or you just like take a bite? Well, yeah, you have a breast, you got the white bread, that's not gonna do nothing. But you're like, I'm gonna eat the whole thing? Or just go ahead? I did it, no, I did it. I ate it all, and then I got back to the hotel, and I was in trouble.

I was like, my stomach hurt, and I didn't know what to do. Like, I thought I was gonna have to go to the hospital, I was sweating, and I started drinking water, which you're not supposed to do. Milk, right? Milk, right, I didn't fucking know. So I'm just like putting gasoline on a fire, I guess, and that goes on for a couple of days,

but it didn't stop me from going back. Same dish? Yeah, medium. And I felt like a pus for doing it. Oh no! I like that you're one of my kind of guys, which is like, you know, there's that thing that I've had like 10, 12 times that gives me diarrhea.

I don't know what's up, I'm gonna eat it again, and guess what, I'm probably gonna get diarrhea, guys. And then like, six years later, I'll go, I think that food's giving me diarrhea that I keep eating. Yes, you do this all the time to yourself, and I'll watch you, I'm like, you're gonna get sick, and then you still do. I just wanna eat it, I just wanna eat it.

See, I feel like all these meat places, it's really the sauce. Like, don't you feel like, like I like Dreamland barbecue? Where's that? That one's in Alabama. That's in Alabama. And that's to, it's just sauce, like I have, I buy it online, the sauce.

It's all different, yeah, it's all different everywhere you go. Yeah, I just put the sauce on everything. It works? It's delicious. Well, I think some of it has to do with, you know, like with brisket, the thyme. Well, that's brisket to science, yeah. Yeah, and even with the ribs,

like, cause like Texas, not much sauce. It's rubs, it's all dry. I don't like the dry rubs, I like a sauce, like a sweet. Yeah, yeah, like Kansas City style. I like Tony Romo's. Oh yeah, nothing wrong with that. I'm a real wide track. Are they still around?

Yeah, there's one I go to around here. Really? Yeah, it's crazy. There used to be one in Beverly Hills. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. In the 80s it was. Right, it used to be like a thing, and then when it franchised out and became garbage.

Yeah, it was like a special night out, TRs back in the 80s and 90s, yeah. And then it kinda went to shit. Yeah, you can get kinda good barbecue wherever, so that's why I can't, I don't do that. Like, I'll eat indigenous food where it is. Supposed to be eaten. That's true, yeah, that's smart.

Like, if there's no barbecue, like if you, you know, if I'm in Vermont and they're like, there's a great barbecue place here, I'm like, there's no fucking barbecue in Vermont. I won't do it. What are those people eating, Vermont? Apples? Sure, maple syrup, I think.

Apples? Cheap, I don't know. Cheap. I don't know what's going on there. Is it, is it? New England food. Yeah. There is New England food.

But like, you go to Atlanta, it's not barbecue. Like, I went on some weird quest for something called Brunswick stew, because like, I used to do that because I don't do drugs or nothing, I don't drink no more. So like, if I go on the road, I'd be like, I'm gonna take a day and find out what you can only get here food-wise

and go find it. And I got hooked, I got into, I don't know where I found it, Brunswick stew. It's basically, if you look it up, it's just peas and like, potatoes. It's like, it's like cafeteria lunch food. Like English food, it sounds like. Yeah, yeah, I mean, I think there's a meat in there.

You kind of throw maybe some okra. I don't know, but I couldn't find it, but I did, I found it at one weird lunch counter and I went and ate it in a dirty bowl. And I was like, yeah, all right. The experience of finding it was better than eating it. Just so I don't forget. You can do exactly what you're talking about soon.

People can see you in London. Great Indian foods. Stockholm, Sweden, Oslo, Norway, Amsterdam and Dublin. That's my few parts of the world tour. As you can tell, I just want a vacation. Yeah, it's great. It's not a real tour. There's a few days in between each one

and I'm just hoping to fucking God that I can get enough new material by the time I got to do that to where the people aren't like, yep, we know this one. There might be a couple of those, but I don't know what I'm assuming that they've all watched everything I've done. Yeah, but the other thing is,

because that's in your mind, the part of your brain that's feeling like I hope that, then it becomes more activated. And then as you get closer and that anxiety and reality becomes more, all of a sudden, like three weekends before, you're like, oh, I got a new 10 about this. And then all of a sudden you're there

and you're like, I basically have this whole thing to get. Yeah, I've got about a new, like I've been working about a new 20, 25, I think. And then there's about a half hour that I didn't use on my last special that I got to go find. But there might be a reason. There might have been a lot of fucking...

But then you start to approach the stuff that you dropped differently. Right, you can build it out. Because like you usually drop it, because it's not really finished. It got some laughs, but there's no, it doesn't really end. It doesn't really end. There's no point.

Yeah, I'm so glad it goes endings. I'll trickle off on it any, but like there's certain things where I just want, I think there should be more. And I'll try to find it in a lot of times. But the funny thing about you, that I don't know if somebody doesn't listen to a lot of stand-up, we'll get,

you have this way where the trickle off feels like performance and it's funny. Because I've seen you trickle off and I'm like, oh, that's the joke. That's the end. They're trickling off. So I think it worked. Yeah, well yeah, I've cleverly learned how to make

my lack of discipline entertaining. Yeah, that was a great skill. That's really hilarious. It was a terrific trick. I think Letterman was the best at it. Yeah, you're right. If you fail, you fail funny. Yeah, fail funny.

Yeah, just true. Like he was great at it. Like it was like what was, when he'd do his monologue. Oh yeah. I mean, it's like there's so much to learn there. You can really make that your own. See, and I admire that though, because I'm such a perfectionist.

I can't just let it, I can't just be in the moment enough to do that. It's that whole thing like a dress bombing. Like when something flat out bombs. I've been, but people come from different schools with that shit. I bombed so bad at the Friars Roast of Chevy Chase and I brought it up.

And I don't know if it made the cut, the fact that I was doing poorly, but like Freddie Roman, one of the last of the old Jewish comedians from the Borsch Belt days, he, in the New York Observer, he was like, yeah, I don't know about these kids telling us, saying that they're not doing well. Like don't draw attention to it.

That's definitely an old school. That's because he wanted to be punished for not doing well. But I think the more kind of evolved point of view would be, if you can be funny about anything in that time, that's funny. Well, I think that all of us, the three of us here are conversational comedians.

So when the difference between somebody who who writes jokes delivers jokes and somebody who draws from their own life in a conversational way, which is putting the jokes together that kind of start to reveal themselves over the course of a story. It's a series of jokes,

but we're not writing one-liners because for some reason, either we're lazy or just not as satisfying. It takes a lot of work to write those. When I come up with a joke joke, but I have one now that I just love doing it because it's like, I never write those things and they work.

But when I really think about it, it's like, could I write another 20 of those? No, this one just came up by coincidence. It just came to be, the joke is like, I'm in show business, so I get screeners of the movies for the award nominations. And I was watching that movie,

All the Money in the World. It's so bad, I walked out of my house. That's a good joke. That's a good joke. That's a good joke. And then I want to add to it, like I was out front on my porch, I'm like, how long do I,

like an hour? Should be good. That's hilarious. But see, I think too, the audience appreciates something where they know the structure and they know when to laugh. No, absolutely.

But then I'll sit there after I tell that joke and like, I don't usually do those kind of jokes. I'm pretty happy about it. I think it really, really. Yeah, it's just a sense of accomplishment, right? But I'll say that to the audience. See, that's great though. I would enjoy that as an audience measure.

But I know that the next joke is like, you know, it is not going to be like this, because lately I've just been the next joke, sort of like, what's wrong with Mike Pence's face? And I go on this horrible, sort of like a long, like weird, poetic, Hixian fucking trip about how he's got inverted gay face. So like, you know, all he,

like he's so afraid of cock that his face is kind of going back into his head. Cause like I say that all, I think all Mike Pence thinks about when he's standing there smugly, smiling was don't think about dick, don't think about dick, no dicks, no cocks. Think about Jesus.

Jesus, Jesus died on the cock. Wait, that's not right. That's, I'm fucking. That's so true though. These guys are always obsessed with cocks. They are so obsessed, but. Yeah, that's what I hate it so much. He has the face of someone,

if you were trying to teach an acting class and you were like, act like you're really intensely into what this other person's saying and then you respect them. It looks like such a contrived look. It looks like, he'll be like, right. It's the listening wife. Like the politician's speaking and yes.

It seems, it just reads false to me. Well, yeah, but it's like that weird kind of hyper Christian tolerance. Like there's like, it's like one twist away from complete condescension. Yes, yeah. I mean, it's less than a twist. Yeah, yeah, right.

It's like the dial right before it. Yeah, they scare me. Those evangelicals because what no one ever talks about is they want the world to end. They're waiting for it. It's supposed to happen. So like all this stuff that's going on, you know, they're sort of like, it's happening.

He's coming back. They're stoked about it. They are. There's a checklist. This whole Jerusalem is the capital of Israel business. So we've got that off the list, but we're only a couple of checks away from Jesus coming back and the world burning.

Great. It's a win. Yeah, if it doesn't happen, I just that day when everything's up in flames and no Jesus, you know, Pence is gonna be sucking a lot of dicks. Come here, bring that dick over here. I can't believe I didn't suck a cock.

I feel like, do you think if it was like the countdown was on the guys that were the closest to wanting to suck a cock, but like repressed, it would be like, let's just do it. We have like 30 minutes. And he'll forgive us. We can get in. He's about to happen.

I was wondering that. They're supposed to have been raptures already, right? Like haven't we passed a few due dates on? Oh, of course. There's like just a history of whack jobs in basements and compounds saying that it's gonna happen tomorrow or the ship is coming. Doesn't mean that the next one's not gonna.

I think it's just gonna happen. It's just gonna slowly happen. Neymar, you've been around the block. I'm sure you've met your fair share of ladies that like to, you know, participate in different new and fun kinky things. Have you ever participated in horse play? I'm Ms. Anne with the LA Pony and Critter Club.

I founded that club in 2009. We're a group of animal role play enthusiasts. It's actually something very deep to it. What would you, how would you feel? That was the best thing. Yeah, that's the look you're supposed to have. Go ahead. With all this stuff, I, you know,

cause I just, I just, you know, I like to, I just like to come as hard as possible. You're right. So, you know, like all this stuff, I don't know what's it's leading to or, but maybe, you know, like I know, I think they get some sort of sensual. Oh, I hope so.

Yeah. I mean, like the whole thing about role playing and all that stuff, is it, well, you know, at some point, don't you just go like, Oh, look what I'm wearing. I'm a fucking idiot. Of course. But I, but there, I think they get,

there's something about putting all the straps on and all that stuff. I could see that, you know, being exciting, but I don't. What would you, how would you feel about a lady you're on a date? Yeah. And I think it's important to highlight that she's hot. So you're like, she's smoking hot.

Okay. And then she's like, oh, you know, I'm kind of kinky and you're like, great, me too. And then she's like, hey, so you're going to be the master. I'm going to, I'm going to be the pony. The pony show had four parts. There was best confirmation. Like if you're a rubber pony,

you look like a rubber pony. Oh, rubber pony. Here, she's like this. Right. You know, so, and she's like galloping. If it pops up, we ended in you coming super hard. Yeah. I don't think it does with this stuff though. No.

I think that the thing is more about the tension of it. Right. This is the opposite of coming because look at all this gear they have on. It's an elaborate thing. Goes on for hours and hours. What if when she gets such a thrill from you participating in this part of it, that the payoff for her is like,

I'm going to suck your balls through your ass when we're done with this. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, I don't. Yes, that's a lot. What if you've been watching? I've been watching this actually.

I am Peyton Lafferty and I'm a ball hog. We've been playing her for a few weeks. Who is she? There's a porn series called Ball Hogs, which I just think is funny. What do they do with the balls? They just go crazy on the balls, but they have to say their name

and then be like, they have to say it to camera and be like, you know, a ball hog is a sports. Sure. Somebody doesn't show their balls. But they're like, I'm Peyton Lafferty and I'm a ball hog. Here's the, that's how not kink I am. It's like if you're working my balls at all,

it just distracts from the cock. Yeah. The cock is feeling left out. Well, it's funny you say that. A couple of guys in these scenes were kind of reminding them that there's something else down there. Like, could you not just ignore the cock,

even though I know we're making ball hogs too right now? I am pretty not kinky. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you know, I feel like there was another time in my life when, you know, Jager Meister was involved. Yeah, yeah. And time.

Endless time. I mean, the fucking thought and time that goes into buying a pony costume and then putting the latex on. A lot of stuff. Those people look very sober. I mean, that's their thing. And they're very satisfied.

Yeah, but I think like people wear the rubber and stuff. Like there's something about the way it feels to be encased in that. Like, I get it. Yeah. You know, I mean, I get the, like, it seems to be a more patient, sort of less kind of like sat,

like, what's the word I'm looking for? Like when you get a laugh, immediate gratification. Like if you're working towards coming, like, you know, that pretty much, most orgasms are pretty good. You know, like sometimes you don't time them right and you're like, ah, it just, it didn't arc.

Yeah. But like that stuff, that's this whole other thing where, you know, for hours you just, you know, play these role-playing games and wear these outfits and I mean, I get it, but it just seems like a lot of work. That's what I'm saying. It's a part-time job.

Well, I think that's what Louie said. Louie had a joke about like where he's like, you know, it's like skiing. You got to buy equipment. Right, it's too much. So I care about what he was talking about. Yeah, and I'm with you, Mark. I think vanilla stuff's exciting.

Time now for some training. But like, how long have they been in there? That seems really simple. You mean, is this like a day? Is it a weekend? You know, like. It's not very porous these outfits. Their balls have to smell very bad.

It's really so much more complicated. Yeah, it's a lot to get into. I mean, it's, you know. This looks like a theater class. I feel like I'm a dog in me. You would think. So, look at the play. Oh, so look at this.

It's like, oh, so this is just the next, the next. It's like some take on leather. There's some people. Now, is there even a sexuality to this? Funny that you ask, and actually. What draws me to human play is I like the gear. I like the lifestyle of it all. It just makes me feel like I am 10 foot tall

and bulletproof. It's not wearing it there. Why not? I get to go to my secret persona. Oh, you're doing that to people at work? Well, no, you're such. But in terms of personality, that has its loyal, caring dog. Is this only happening in Australia?

Or in New Zealand? Well, the funny thing is this promo, this video was done by a news content organization. So they were showing it in this way of like, hey, this is a lifestyle where nothing really, you know. It's not sexual. It's not really sexual. This is just people joining a club.

And they're like wearing the gear, like he said. It's like a laser tag. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, and they're like, people get off on different things. But then there's also a video. But imagine if you were really into this, and then you show up with your new dog face. Like that guy had the red leather.

Are they like clowns' faces where you get you? There's a guy in town that makes the dog face leather work. And you can sort of get your own dog face. I think you can. Yeah, yeah, you can be a very specific type of dog. Like cowboy boots. Yeah, and you can be like, Bobby's got the same mask. I want to wear it.

No, yeah. I'm going to do a different snout altogether. But then here's what's interesting. Check out these ears. So weird. This is presented like, hey, do you want to be in our clubhouse? And have like a fun thing going on. But then the same guys also have videos out there

that's not made by professional television crews. And they're more like this, you know? But there's lube and things there. Well, he's going to get a new tail. We've got these here. Oh, so this isn't the same club. Yeah, it's the same guy. Same club, same dude, same dude.

But that's going up his ass? Yeah. So that's sexual. That's pretty sexual. Yeah, when you put things in people's ass. So this is not. Oh, oh, oh, oh, let's have a look at each other's ass. Oh, boy.

So then Mark goes, it's going in his ass. That's sexual. Yeah, it's no longer some guys hanging out. You nailed it, it's definitely sexual. Yeah, we suspected. I mean, a bunch of dudes in leather dog costumes, it's sexual. And that guy's getting that ass-plugged tail? Yeah.

I mean, you don't hang out with your guy friends watching they give you dog costumes. The Pony Show had four parts there was. Well, no, you're totally right. So there's, yeah, I mean, no. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I mean, these people, man. They're saying things that are a little more.

Guys, we hang out with that. I just remember this thing where I worked with this comic where it was like, what was that guy's name? It was so many years ago. It was in Indianapolis. And for some reason, it was just a guy, he's the local guy. Didn't seem like a very happy guy. But we got down with the show.

He was featuring or opening, I can't remember. And he's like, I say, you want to hang out or what we're doing? He's like, well, I got to go back and put on my drinking shirt. I'm like, oh, OK. All right. So he had a drinking shirt. No, no, tails, no. No tails on his ass.

The same guy that was running that pop thing. Another video, this is audio only of him. But it gives you. Run your finger along your crack. If you're ass, you don't need to finger your hole. You don't want to come back with shit on your finger. He was given destruction to people in a different way. You think that'd be common sense.

You think it would be. That's what I'd say. But he had to be specific for a reason. Yeah, yeah, because we've had problems in the past. Would you coke and bowl smell like? Yeah, so it's basically just an excuse to. Now, this is straight up leather fetish stuff. I think, you know, just animalized.

It's not what are they called? Furries or Flur? No, no. It's not like it's different to it's like it's animals, but they're definitely superhero animals, superhero gay animals. I guess I just feel lucky to not have such an elaborate sexuality.

You know, this would be kind of a plumber to have to spend the money and the time to get into. Yeah, how often does it do? How often do they do that? Like, how long were those guys in the cage? Like, I don't, you know what I mean? It's just like. That was your big thing.

You're like, how long are they in there? Well, maybe they're only in there five minutes who gives this shit. But like, if it's really sort of like we haven't eaten in three days. Did they? It's time for some cock. Yeah.

You know? They're very good. Starving for cock. Starving for it. Yeah, that's the whole point. We got this email. I don't know if you want to weigh in on this. Somebody said,

in my giant tit monster girlfriend and I are a couple of devoted listeners. I love to get their main mommies of pain on a heated debate we've been having. Whenever we're going through the grocery store past the moose soup in Benadryl, she likes to insist that our fresh produce, like heads of lettuce, celery stalks,

don't need to be bagged up in plastic. In other words, our produce gets to soak up everything it touches from the jizz and fecal matter filled conveyor belt. Where are they shopping? To whatever fun mystery fluids. If the pup play grocery store. Are on the cashier's hands.

Am I being a dorky OCD dad boner? Is my belief correct? That my girlfriend is a Viking savage monster woman. I would love for you guys, settle this debate. Much love, no hate. It's just like the gaze, Colin. No, she nasty as hell. You gotta bag up that produce.

I would bag up that lettuce. I don't care if there's not really the level of garbage and disgusting shit he's thinking is on the conveyor belt. That's foul, right? But it's wet too. The lettuce? Yeah, it's always wet.

It's a little soft, yeah. Yeah. A little wet sometimes. Yeah, it's dewy. It's gonna be soaking in. If you're talking potatoes. You could put that on there. Yeah, cause potatoes or sweet potatoes

they always break the bag. I don't know if you buy sweet potatoes. I do, I love them. You know where they point and you can't keep in the bag until they break? That's annoying. It is annoying. Why don't they make a heavier bag for those?

I guess it's not really part of his problem. Yeah, but. No, but lettuce is a little nasty. I don't know how much shit there is on the conveyor belt but I understand the point. Yeah. And you're not gonna use those outer lettuce leaves anyways. You're gonna peel back a couple.

No, wait a minute, that brings up another point. You're just gonna peel off the outer layer anyway. Yeah, you are. So are we being panic bunnies about? Yeah, but no. I know, I personally bag it. Now the loose items like apples everyone's been touching those anyways for days.

Man, they're waxed. Yeah, one or two stray apples. Wait, they do that to preserve the bacterial? I don't know what they do. Aren't they too shiny? I thought they were waxed or something. I can never. But does that protect the fruit from bacteria?

No, I don't think so. It just makes it look better. Oh, it's just shiny. Yeah, maybe I'm wrong. I like those honey crisp apples. Me too, I'm not heavy into those right now. So big. One of the Trader Joe's are like mutant.

I ate one on the way over and it was like, it was very filling. Now, have you tried the Envy apple? Yes, I have. I'm a huge fan of those. They're pretty good. I like them, I like the different texture. Honey crisp is almost like having a cold drink of something.

That's good, sweet. And then the Envy is a little mealy or, not mealy, but like denser, right? Yeah, there's so many apples. I stay away from Gala's, Pink Ladies, fuck them. Fuck a Pink Lady, I don't like green ones too sour. No, not anymore, not in years. They're like outdated Granny Smiths are outdated.

Red and delicious or boring. Boring and mealy generally. Really mealy. You guys have really connected on this apple talk. Well, here's the thing. I'm not really into fruit. I don't know if you know this, but. I started going to grocery stores with the kiddo,

just as an outing and I noticed, I'm like, there's like 15 different varieties of apples. When the fuck did this happen? Cause when I was a kid, it was like red and green. That's it. Honey crisp were invented in Minnesota, I believe. Really? Yeah, they're hybrid of some kind, fairly recently.

So somebody had to modify something to come up with that? Yeah, that's where you think you get all those. It's not devious. I mean, they've been sort of genetically engineering fruits and vegetables for a long time, cross-pollinating this and that. It's not like, it's not like Monsanto apples. I think it's been going on for a while.

I think there was a monk that did it first, if I'm not mistaken. How do you feel about these like super, you know, in touch with their chakra meditative tantra girls? Are those appealing to you at all? Well, yeah, I do have a girlfriend. Okay, I mean, I'm saying. But in general?

Yeah. Well, you know, it's... Oh. Oh, he's on the fence about this. Oh, I like it. This could be a yes. Well, you know, I have done some yoga in my life, you know. There was a period there I used to go to Joe's yoga.

Joe's, he did the fast yoga, the power yoga at the Y in Hollywood. Jen Kirkman used to call it yoga, because years ago it used to go. And he's a sweat and everything. And then I've had, you know, years ago I had a trainer who was into Pilates and core stuff. But for me, it's always been never a spiritual pursuit.

It's just sort of, who doesn't want a tight-ass core? Do you know what I mean? Where you just feel that knot in the center of your being, holding the rest of your body together. That's kind of a nice feeling. You ever felt that, Tom? Nope. It's not even, I'm sorry, guys.

I felt mean. I just felt mean. Do you feel mean to you? No, no, it's normal. Felt accurate. It felt... We hear that a lot. But the chakra thing, you know, look,

I've had crystals around, you know, I've thought about them at different points in my life. You know, do rocks have power? I don't know. Is it what you make of it? You know, that kind of mild hippie witchcraft? Is it more about what you decide in your mind than reality?

Probably. So if that's your fashion, all right. Well, you know, if it works for you. Let's say this, how about this though? Do that make sense? Yeah, yeah, I enjoyed it. If you're single, okay, in this hypothetical scenario, and you meet this girl online,

and she's like, all right, let's have dinner Saturday. And you're like, okay. And then you see this video of her. Tell me how you feel after. Just feeling my Yanni meditation. And I am really feeling my Yanni give me some messages. I'm feeling my vibration. I'm feeling my pleasure.

And as you can tell, I'm doing it nude. My Yanni is like sticking to this hardwood floor. And don't worry, I always clean it before I stick my Yanni on it. So it's sort of the same issue as the fruit in the bag. Yeah. Is it absorbing everything? Yeah.

The Yanni animals. Your lettuce wrap is really soaked right now. Yeah, yeah. And like, who knows what's on that floor? Oh, it's nasty. I don't care how clean the floor is. There's a suction that happens with my Yanni, and it just wants to just suck up whatever's around it.

Oh, so it's cleaning the floor? Yeah. Oh, good. Realizing how much women dictate so much in this reality. And we are just so silly to believe that we don't have that much power or influence. But in actuality, we are the ones that dictate what experience has had here on earth.

Yeah. So you're asking me what I date her? Yeah. No. What's the turn off? What's the deal breaker here? It's a weird committed tone to some, like what she's saying is, my pussy's wet,

and women are strong, and we're sort of in control of a lot of shit. You can't have this wet pussy unless you talk this language with me. My sloppy vacuum-like pussy is in charge of everything. Florianni, but this what you wouldn't be able to tolerate. Let's say her Yanni was amazed and magical. She's exhausted.

But what if it's the best Yanni he's ever had? That's a good question. Yeah, you know, I've had a few Yannis, and they're all pretty good. That's the thing about Yannis. They really are great. They really are. I don't know.

It just seems a little affected. And I can't imagine that she can keep that up for too long. But I've met some spiritual people. Spiritual people without a discipline can be a little kooky. And for me, being somewhat of a practical person in terms of that stuff, I can understand it to a degree. But at some point, I will start making fun of her.

Yeah, a little bit. Now, interesting. Because it's the comic and you're going to chip away at that. And then if she starts to get mad at that, you chip away. You're right, because that is the problem, is that you couldn't keep a straight face through this Yanni shit very long. No, eventually it's like, come on.

It's a nice fucking pussy on the floor. Get it off the floor. Like a dirty bitch. Yeah, she's nasty as hell, putting her pussy on the fucking dirty floor, dude. Yeah. It's so gross. She's probably fine.

She's probably a little lost. You know, she's lost. But it's a little weird, though. I don't think she should. Especially if it sucks things. It's picking up all kinds of things. No, it's not good. I used to do a joke on stage.

I can't even do it. Not in these times. OK, real quick before the thing that you mentioned. Yeah. What's happening? Is this a surprise party? No. Is this funny to you?

Oh, fucking fuck. OK. Where are we at? We're in a car. We're backing up into a garage. OK. All right. It's not here.

Clearly. Look how organized it is. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Wait. Oh, and the driver's about to come around. He's really worried.

He looks annoyed. Yes. He's like, oh. Look at that. Emotionless asshole. You want to walk away? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, because we can't understand the language, we don't know how serious this is. Thank you. And if we... Thank you. Is that where it ends? Yeah. So we don't get any closure?

No. Like, the guy doesn't get up and he's like, OK, I'm OK. And you're just nothing. No, it's horrible. I mean, of course. Thank you! Of course you want to laugh because, you know, he's... The reaction's funny.

Of being crushed? No. When he's like, I saw you laugh when he went, like, ah, because it's a funny sound. Well, it's a funny sound because we don't understand their language. That's right. That's right. You know, he's saying, call the ambulance. He's basically saying, fuck.

You're breaking me. The guy might not ever walk again. Yeah. But my husband thinks that part's funny. What? That his legs have been crushed and then the other guy's indifferent to that guy's pain. It's really too much. Like, look how funny he thinks this is.

I don't think it's... I think it's too cool because this isn't fake. So that's the screen. But then... I think the guy can't get it out of the first. And then this next line here is probably like... That right there. I wish I knew what that meant.

Yeah. I think that's something like... Yeah. I can't feel my leg. Yeah. That's funny. That's funny. Hakuma.

Yeah. Hakuma might be like, hey, dickhead. I'm paralyzed. Pull forward. It's pretty horrible. I'd like to know what happened to him. Yeah. Because you have empathy and stuff.

You mean? Well, look. Any sort of like... Unfortunately, you know, slapstick. Yeah. You know, when it's planned, it's pretty brutal. Right. But like when you're just sort of applying the same logic to real life.

Thank you. But you know, it's a natural human thing. You're going to laugh at a discomfort. I mean, I don't know if you should watch it over and over again. I mean, you... He has. This is not the first time we've seen this or the 10th on the show. So, here's the thing though.

Come on. It'd be different if I was like, here's a video of my friend Ben and it's, you know, because it's like, you know, it feels removed. You know what I mean? Right. It's in another language. Right. I don't understand.

All I know is that when this horrible thing happens, you also don't get the severity of it because you're not seeing like... Yeah. I have a weird... Like there's a moment where with this kind of stuff, you remember, you ever play the Stress Factory? Yes. No.

Remember, he used to play all the... Vinny Brands. Vinny Brands used to play all the videos of car wrecks for some reason before. No. Oh, my gosh. Well, no, they were just like these kind of videos, but there are certain things that I watch and I don't spend much time in those kind of rabbit holes. Yeah.

Definitely would traumatize some people in that audience that have like been in accidents. Yeah. Well, the thing is, is like you watch these things and you're kind of, they're kind of astounding. Yeah. Like any sort of wreck, any sort of problem with a person. Yeah. And there's that moment where you're like, oh, shit.

And you're kind of laughing. As you watch, you're sort of like, does this doesn't end okay? Right. Wait, he's playing car wrecks and you got to see the people walk out of care. No, no, no. I just don't, I just remember there was a lot of these videos of like, you know... It's like a version of America's Funniest Home Videos. Yeah, right, right.

Crazy thing happened. Exactly. Exactly. But all those things like, you know, we have no idea, I don't know what happened to that guy. Yeah. Of course it was funny because, you know, the vulnerability of being, you know, of that dumb idiot backing into him.

It's a funny setup. Yeah. And if he was a cartoon character, we'd be okay. Yeah. But he's not. He's not. He's a person, Tom. He's a person.

Now, what do you think happened next to this guy, though? Oh, no. Black guys who love to fuck and fuck good. If you're a hot black guy and you want to fuck me at 23.95, if you want to move in, you can move in, but you got to fuck me. I need to be fucked a lot, man. Get free food, free rent and everything else, man. Here's a deal, man.

Move in from jail, homeless or, um, you're a thug, you want to come move in, a friend can move with you, too, man. Free rent, you get a lease and a key. Fuck me. Piss off. You beat me. I'm home, you know. You see me when I come over today and try it out.

Try it out, man. Wow. What do you think? It's a cry for help. You think that? Yeah. Yeah. That means business.

Like he's like defying. I mean, any situation that you're in that is troubling is fine with me. Yeah. In jail. Your friends even. Your friends can come over. Key and a lease. Everybody, you get food, you guys in both stay here, but you have to be willing to fuck

a lot. That guy. That's right. That's right. That's right. It's very specific. That's right. You don't get to fuck just anybody.

Got to somehow make that okay. Would you fuck that for food? Oh, man. That guy. How hungry am I? I mean, it's got to be. I'm sure the sad thing is he got some takers. Of course.

He gave us a dress out on YouTube. He did? Yeah. We cut it out for his sake. Oh, he's gonna end up dead. Of course. Yeah, but like, you know, like, even if you're like a homeless black man, he's ready to fuck that guy.

Yeah. Like, do you get over there and you're kind of like, you know what? I don't know. I don't know. I think. He's just away. He don't see the rest of his body. No.

He probably weighs 300 pounds. Yeah. Probably doesn't move around much. I think you go, can we start with the food first? Yeah, yeah. And where's my room? Yeah, the key. Yeah.

Yeah, he looks really bad. The lighting's terrible. And there's nothing. It's certainly not a sexy pitch. No. Do you know what I mean? No, it's not a good pitch. I don't think he really likes himself.

That's my feeling. He could have done like a total. It's funny. Like the way he could have been like, hey, any guys out there. Look, maybe in the 70s and 80s, he might have been like the shit. He might have been like a first class bottom in the world of gay beauty. But now, you know, we're at a different place for this guy. He's dying his mustache, which is probably the same mustache he had in his 20s.

Hair's not, you know, not there much. Probably let his body go. And it's just not happening at the clubs for him anymore. Well, yeah. And in gay world, I mean, that is tantamount to death. You gotta maintain. You have to be forever 20. Yeah.

When you're gay. They really, they're something. They do. Kiss on me. Beat me. Okay. Kiss on me. Like, am I eating some of this?

You can have that, please. Where'd that come from? Are you ready? For what? What's happening now? Okay. Ready for a would you rather? Oh, is this a, was that supposed to do study, study homework?

No. I'll just ask you some stupid questions. You guys really do the sound stuff. Oh, yeah. Great. Yeah. So, you know, I eat on Mike occasionally. That's fantastic.

I love it. They hate it. Oh, you're going to hear it. You're going to get a lot of emails about that. We got emails about breathing last week. Who's breathing into the mic? Like a lot of people. I was sick.

I was sick. But they're like, they all blame me. They're like, hey, Tom, you dumb fuck. Can you stop with your dad breath into the mic? And I'm like, all right. Some people are real sensitive to that shit. Well, you figure they're wearing earbuds. Oh, no, I get it.

I get it. I've had people on that. I've had to feed that they come over to my house and they're famished. I grow Zambark into my house and, you know, I just cut some cantaloupe. She's like, I am coming. So she's using cantaloupe for about 15 minutes and people are just like, don't let anyone eat. Yeah, it's pretty gross.

Yeah. Okay. So would you rather, now this, this one, if you're a hardcore fan of this show, this is the very first, would you rather? Classic. Classic jeans that I. She's just like seven, eight years old. Yeah.

We came up with this with red band. This is an old school one. Oh, wow. Okay. Now I know you're a fan of music and films. So this one's kind of great for you. He's a real audio. Was it called audiophile?

Yeah. This isn't like the fuck killer, whatever. No, simpler than that. But, but I'm saying though, you really do. I mean, you have like record collections. I do. I do. I, you know, there's obviously much bigger audiophiles.

I mean, but I got pretty good. Yeah. So you might, I mean, you'll think you'll really, this one will really resonate with you. Okay. Yeah. You'll have me up a little bit. No. Would you rather the only film you may watch, and this will include television.

So there's no like Netflix or TV shows. The only thing you can watch when you want to watch something is the movie sister act two. Back in the habit. Back in the habit. Or the only music you can listen to ever is that song, the heat is on. Who sings it? The heat is on.

No, no, no. It's not Huey, is it? It's Glen Fry? Yeah. So, but here's the thing. That means that in this scenario. That's all I can do. The only time that it's like, if you turn on your radio, that's fucking that guy be an

option. Like the third option. Wow. So you're basically, you're basically deciding what's more important to you to have music in your life. Or movies. Or movies. Movies and television.

But this is like a, like a cock or garnish loop. Yes. Yes. Like you. No, you don't hear it nonstop. It's just that whenever you feel like, I didn't watch something. I want to watch. Or I want to hear a movie.

You know, I want to hear, oh, I get it. It's always. So it's either music or films. Basically, like you're choosing between hearing music or watching. If you wake up in the morning, you turn on the radio, it's always the heat is on. If you get in your car, the heat is on. If you're on a date, the heat is on. Oh boy.

Or every time you're like, I feel like watching something. It's only Sister Act 2. I can have to, I've never seen Sister Act 2. So, so. So at least the first time will be something. It might wear on you after a while. So forever, forever, ever. Who would do that?

I'm going to have to do it. I cannot do it. Just that much of the heat is on. Fucking bothered me. Just us doing this. For some reason, I thought I actually heard it. Yeah. We didn't play a piece of it.

I didn't play it. You didn't play it? No. Oh my God. It was like, yeah. Just you guys doing it. Can you feel it? Why is that so?

It's the worst song ever. Why do I know it so well that I actually thought I heard it? It's shitty enough. It's so catchy. That's why. Yeah. It's catchy though. But why did I think you guys played it?

It was that visceral. You just heard it. You felt it. You feel the heat when it's on. You do. What movie was that in? Beverly Hills Cop. Oh yeah.

Oh. And then like just endless commercials. Right? Oh yeah. Like local commercials. Like cars. It also got an unreal amount of airplay. I mean radio.

At a certain time. Oh yeah. In the 80s that was all that. I didn't have that thing where it fell off. You never heard it. It was like resurgence that happens with songs that have a catchy. But I think I'm a commercial. Yeah.

Probably. Now your girlfriend comes over and you're like let's watch a movie and you're like well it's a drag too. I know we're watching. You're in what? I'm halfway into it again. You can start in the middle. Yeah.

Lauren Hills in it. She's real talented. Whoopie Goldberg. You love her. You realize a year in he would do all the dialogue. Right. Right. You know what they could have done here because what she's about to say.

You start rewriting it. Wouldn't it have been better if this happened? I don't know anything about that movie. I didn't see the first one. At least there's you know there's a music component in it. What do we do with that? No it's HSO. If there's a song in it.

No because he took the movie option. That's why. Okay. Okay. Fair account. That's also like because that's longer. There's more there. Like you know what I mean.

Like I can't. Like just to be limited to that song for a lifetime. I mean. Because you imagine. You're just done with film. I love trail mix. You know what the other thing that would be great is that people would go, hey man have you seen The Shape of Water?

No. And you're like no. But have you seen Sister Act II? That was that. That should have been an Oscar contender. I've watched that movie so many times. It's your thing. You're talking about it.

The level of a conversation you'd be able to have about it would blow my mind. No matter what. Hey did you see Orange is a New Black? No. But have you. Have you ever seen Sister Act II? I guess. No.

Have you watched it recently? No. No. Have you watched it recently? No. A lot of people like. You know like. I don't even know anything about Breaking Bad.

I miss the Sopranos. But you would have like dissertations about it. People like. I've never thought about it in that layer at all. Oh yeah. Would be Goldberg's a genius. She's in it right? Yeah.

Yeah. I mean she's got a lot of range. If you ever thought about how Sister Act II is really a commentary on this whole socioeconomic. Kind of the disparity between North and South America. Yeah. And you really kind of get into it. Yeah. This guy's out of his fucking mind.

Yeah. That's how deep it is. Like every week I realize it's a different metaphor for something that we don't see. Yeah. But think about it. Okay. When I think about it. I love stories.

I love movies so much. Like what do you do when you're sick? You're just going to watch Sister Act II. No. He'd get into books more. Start reading. Start reading. Oh books are allowed?

Yes. Oh I didn't know that. Just no films or television. That would be good. I'd like to read more books. Thank you for the book. Yeah. By the way.

The Sartre book. Yeah. Sure. I got to get to it. I wish I could just sit and read but I can't. It's dense. It's a toilet read. No I can't.

I can't read anything really for it. I can't stay in it. I'm the same way. I feel like I need to. Because I'm capable of it. And I like reading a book. I'm not doing it. I'm just in my phone looking at news all day.

I told Jeff Tate last week who came with me to the ice house. How's he doing? He's doing great. He had a new album come out and super hilarious but we're talking about books. I'm like you know I realized last year I bought 15 books and like six of them I would get like 40 pages in. Like where you go. Right now.

I'm into this book. I'm enjoying it. That's it. And then that would be it. That would be my experience of that book. As a society. Because everybody collectively is doing that. I get so many books.

So people send me books. Publishers and stuff. And it's a little daunting. I'm trying to remember the last book I read all the way through. I tend to read nonfiction and you know kind of stuff about the brain or whatever. Like you know not like Rogan style. No I'm not looking to you know figure out the mysteries of the world necessarily. But I like reading about psychology and that kind of stuff.

Sure. Like we might sit in there and talk about animal behavior for any period of time. But I like I can read bits and pieces of that and feel pretty satisfied. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like I can read the first 40 pages do some underlining. Yeah. And feel like I got it.

I'm pretty sure I got the flow of this. Yeah. I skip around. I'd skip the first chapter of both. I look at the chapter headings. Yeah. And then just go to what I want to read. More or less because it is a repetition.

You know what I mean. Yeah. I need to read more. Do you take what are you taking the the song the music or the film are you doing the heat is on all the time or sister act to all the time. What do you mean. What do you choose. What's your choice.

You have to pick one. What do you mean. I already picked a movie. You said you can listen to all the music you want to listen to. And then you can listen to music. Okay. Yeah. That's good.

That's good. Oh definitely. Yeah. Fuck. I think I may I like music. I like any movie I want. Yeah. Any movies.

Yeah. Anything you want. But the only music you listen to is. Yeah. And then that's what you have to be like. Have you heard the song. And your girlfriend's in the car. Or just playing it over and over again.

Yeah. Like it's just it ends and you're like wait. Yeah. Here we go. It's on your phone. And then she's like give me no. That's your ring. Yeah.

That's your ring. Yeah. Yeah. No. I couldn't do that. No one with you would leave. I couldn't do that. No one could take that.

Nobody would take that after a while. But it's all you hear. So if you're in a department store and there's other music playing all you hear is the heat is on. Yeah. You seem to be building a bigger world around this song. Like now it's some sort of weird science fiction. Yeah.

It is. It's like science fiction would you rather. Yeah. It's true. It's true. Okay. Okay. Is that the only question.

That's such an inappropriate like you know grocery store song. Yeah. It's horrible. So horrible. Okay. There's another one right. What do you take Tommy. Move the movie or Cystric 2 or.

I mean now that I think of it I think as much as I like movies I'd want more options with music. I really do. I think I would take. Yeah. A life without music would really kill me. That would affect me more. A life with that one song.

Yeah. You wouldn't last three days. You're crazy. You would just third day. You'd just take elevator. What's the tallest building in this. Yeah. Yeah.

Well because music annoys me so much. I don't like it. On the elevator ride up it'd be like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So here's your other one. Would you rather be married to Lena Dunham and you can't fake it. You can't be like we have different rooms like you're living as man and wife you're sleeping in the same bed. You have a regular marriage. Right. You're listening to her thoughts.

You're listening to her complaints. You're listening to her meow about whatever emotional shit she's going through. I'm having a hard time with you right now. Yeah. Yeah. And Lena's going to pour it on way you know. Yeah. It's a lot.

The way that she does. Yeah. I know. I've talked to her. Yeah. A lot of theory. A lot of bullshit. I know her.

Okay. Or every time you speak before you say a sentence you have to say Heil Hitler. So it'll be like Heil Hitler. I'm Mark Merring. Welcome to the show today. Like everything you say is Heil Hitler. And then you can say. If you walk into a hotel and you check in Heil Hitler.

Mark Merring. Yeah. Are these my options. Those are the two options. You have to be married to Lena. Yeah. But you come on Conan. He's like Mark you go Heil Hitler.

It's great to see you Conan. And he's like. That's weird. Yeah. It seems to be antithetical to getting anything done in any way. But then again. Like you go do comedy. How's everybody doing.

But in a way people would be like that's hilarious. Yeah. That's a tough self. It's your get or done. You know. It's like. Well you'd have to actually explain that like you've made some weird soul exchange. Some weird contract.

Or that you have an actual very specific form of Tourette's. That it's only Heil Hitler's. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean. Then again it's almost like we were talking about when you when it's not going well and you address it. You know.

Yeah. You go that route. Or you say it and then you go here's the thing. And then you explain it. And because it's kind of weird. We can't say it's because Christina gave me a would you rather. Right. That's also another part.

But I mean he would come up with some explanation. Right. No. Right. Like I'm just trying to normalize it and disarm it a little bit. Normalize it. But why would you want to do that. It's already happening.

Like I'm not a white supremacist. I'm a Jew actually. And for me there's something historically cleansing about taking the power away. Oh there you go. There you go. You're already sold it on me as pretty funny. Hail Hitler to you. So there's that route.

Or there's also kind of funny when somebody says like go fuck your mother and then they say something else. Right. So it's kind of an equivalent of that. Right. It's like this kind of mystery. Did he just say. And you just kind of move it along.

Yeah. And then I defend it. Like yeah I said Hail Hitler. So what. It didn't mean nothing. Yeah. It's words. See here.

Yeah. Doesn't mean he's dead. It's been dead a long time. Yeah. Hail Hitler to you. I love it. So you're going to marry to her. Yeah.

I love her. Yeah. It'd be good. It'd be good. We'd have good conversations. And you know it'd be difficult. I have to assume. It'd be definitely like the Charles Tribulations of any relationship.

Let's take Lena out since you know her. Let's do the Yanni lady. You're married to the Yanni lady. And you have to hear about her Yanni meditation. Anything's really better than having to say Hail Hitler every now and then. Yeah. You know. There's evolution involved with it.

Any woman that even if it seems annoying at first, who knows what's going to happen really. Yeah. You could be really cool with the Yanni lady. Yeah. The Yanni lady once she, you know, once I get her off the floor. Once you peel her off. Nasty.

Just a Hail Hitler thing just seems to be socially detrimental. It'll ruin your life. Yeah. I'm not explainable after a while. And hence I assume that you picked it because it's going to ruin your life. Well, of course. Both things will ruin your life to a certain extent. Do you want your personal life ruined or do you want your public life ruined?

Oh, right. That's kind of the way I see this one. Yeah. Well, both of those could do either of those things. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. I mean, in the personal life it's true.

It's like his girlfriend's there and he wakes up in the morning. Hail Hitler, baby. Right? Yeah. It's on a day. Here we go. You want some cake? It's week three and she's like seriously, man.

Hail Hitler, good morning. Hail Hitler, want some coffee? She's like, dude, we're in Tahiti. I'm trying to enjoy myself. Hail Hitler, we want to watch for television. Yeah. You're like, oh, isn't it beautiful? She's like, it's beautiful here.

And you're like, oh, Hail Hitler. Yeah. It's amazing here. Yeah. Like the way people say praise Jesus. Yeah. Hail Hitler. Yeah.

I think some of the many people that do both of those things. Yeah. In the world we're living in now. Right? Hail Hitler, praise Jesus. I guarantee you, as said in this country, at least once a day somewhere. I think you're right. Once is definitely low balling it.

And not to mention how it would make phone conversations for him. That would be great. Hail Hitler, what's up? We're making doctor's appointments. Hail Hitler, I got a pain in my stomach. It's the director. Yeah, yeah. Is Dr. Rosenbloom there?

Hail Hitler, it's Mark Maron. I'm calling for Dr. Rosenbloomstein. What did I just say? The director of a major motion picture is calling him to be like, I think we're going to- Spielberg? Yeah. Spielberg is calling him to tell him about this role. Hail Hitler, Steven.

Steven's like- I'm sorry. Did you say something? I totally didn't hear what you just said. I have a speech in front of me. I said, how you doing? People have that. They're compelled to say things that are completely offensive.

Yes. Maria Bamford had that morbid thought syndrome. She had that for like- Is that right? And when is that where she'd imagine herself like driving off the freeway? Yeah, all kinds of stuff. Yeah, yeah. But it's obsessive, because I think we all have that a little.

It's like the fear thoughts, but then she really loops on them. I kind of walked into it a little bit just yesterday. Yeah, why? What happened? I just went on a hike. You know, I went up to this park, you know, and I'd never really been there and I was going up a trail, but then it turned out like I'm not sure it is a trail. Uh-oh.

And then I walked to hike up this, what I thought was a trail, and all of a sudden there was a bad smell, like a death smell. And I'm like, oh, fuck. What's up there? You know, like what's in- And I'm like, it's probably an animal, but I don't know. And like my desire to investigate it just was not even there. I'm like, if it's a person, there's nothing I can do for them.

Yeah, no there isn't. And if it's an animal, I might be next. And then I'm kind of scrambling, you know, and I've got my, I've got my, I'm wearing my ear buds and like I started thinking about mountain lions and I started thinking like, and then like a song started because I put it in my pocket. I turned it off so I could hear. Right. It was a heat is on, but I thought it was a rattlesnake.

So I come out in this dumb trail by myself going, oh, you know, and then I realized, okay, it's just a song. And then, you know, and then I walked back down. But like, you know, once you get into the loop that there's a guy in the bushes with a knife or a giant predatory cat. It's hard to enjoy the outing. Yeah. So that has to, I mean, someone who's really in it.

It's got a really crippled in my imagination. Yeah. I mean, it's, what are the odds of either of those things happening? Sure. And why can't we just enjoy a hike anymore? What the fuck happened to us? And I'm, I'm talking about me and the portal. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Oh my God. All right. We got to wrap things up. How hitler guys? I want to wait a little longer so I can never get home.

Why don't we do that? Okay. Why don't we just wait until three? So like, it'll take me two hours. Perfect. Perfect. You want to say traffic? No, thanks for, most of all, thank you for driving here today.

It's a straight shot. Okay. It's not too bad though. No, I don't know how bad it's going to be. I know that that strip can be pretty, that, that straight shot can be a pretty, pretty bad, but. You know, you can, you believe in showing gratitude, maybe the whole way back. Yeah.

You can be thankful that you'll have your playlist listened to and not the HSO the whole time. You know? Like just enjoy the fact. Yeah, I'm okay. I don't have, I, I'm not, you know, I'm not freaking out. I'm going to, I'm going to go buy some berries and some bananas. No, we do, we really do appreciate you coming over. Yes.

No, it's nice. I'm happy to see the new house. Thank you. I laughed so hard at this nonsense with you today. It was fun. And go see him if you're in Europe. Yeah. Or you can see me.

You know what? I got some dates at the. Do it. Tell us. At the ice house in March. Oh, I just did it this weekend. Yeah. We're doing the, the, let's try.

It's so fun. It's so fun. Try the fun. It's your hands smooth as a baby's bottom. Dude, what do you mean? Look at the back. My hands look older than your hands. Yeah.

Really? I'm all wrinkly and. Oh, I see what you're saying. Nice. Soft. I don't even use lotion. Okay, so. Maybe that's why you had a baby.

I use lotion on my face. Sunday, the fourth and Sunday, the 11th. Of. Of March. I'm doing two shows. Fine. Each night to try to jam some new shit. It's the best.

That's why I did it this weekend. It's almost cheating. The place is so good. But it gives you encouragement. Yeah. Gives you some confidence and it lets you expand on things. Right. That's what I need.

And that's why I did this weekend. It's a little tricky to do that. 15 minutes at the comedy store where you're like, I gotta get in. Yeah. And then I gotta hold them and I gotta drop the new thing. And then I gotta apologize for it and close strong. Exactly. It is odd.

I don't give a fuck sometimes there anymore. Yeah. Just like trickle off. Yeah. Yeah. Bring up whoever. And that's what it is. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a good workshop place. I guess if you can get anything done in 15 minutes. Yeah. That's why I run the light. Yeah. It's a. But to be clear, you can see him like marked there is the site WTF pod or is it WTF pod.com.

But I just realized I don't think those dates are up there because you didn't see them when we just went there. I did not see them there. I gotta get them up there. Well, you could probably definitely get them at the ice house site. Absolutely. If you're here in LA and you want to see Mark at the ice house, just go to ice house comedy, I think.

I gotta figure out who I text to get those updates on my site. And when is season two of Glow coming out? When can we see it? I don't know. I think I feel like May or June. I'm so excited. I wonder how they're coming together. That's when I'll be super pregnant and I won't be able to leave the house because it'll be

hot as fuck. I think it's gonna be a good season. There's gonna be more wrestling, more Betty. Daniel, I grew up watching Glow. That was my show as a kid. Really? So to see the show about that, yeah, in LA it was huge. It was huge.

So fucking rad. I'm trying not to eat on the mic, but I'm... I know. It's okay. You can take it with you. You can have it. I like it. Take it, boo-boo.

What do you mean? I got these in the airport. Okay, bye. That's it. Bye. Thank you, mommies. Bye, guys. Yeah, I just got this and...

Where was it yesterday?