Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 437-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 28, 2018

This week Jean and Jean get together to Meow Down. Here's a cool thing we explore today: God + Swinging. It's pretty neat if you're willing to listen while a stranger has sex with you and your spouse. Just try it. Come on! Plus, we're ALL IN on Love after Lock Up and you should be to. You should also reach out to a felon right now (for a relationship!).  AND, one of your made an amazing call posing as Peyton Lafferty.  This episode is AMAZE!   Please support today's sponsors:  ForHim.com/house Stamps.com  Code Word: MOM Brooklinen.com Code Word: MOM  

you know I mean you know I'm saying that's an old-school instrumental that's an old-school that's an old joke this is old this is very familiar I dig it though yeah so check it out I'm gonna be in Sextington, Sextington, Kentucky the shows are all sold out thank you very much for coming out in a few weeks I'll be in Columbus Ohio I added an eighth show on Saturday because the other seven eight yeah oh my god what are you Chris Rock yeah I don't know man but thank you Columbus for supporting me I have some other dates coming up Spokane, Charlotte, North Carolina, Omaha, Brea,

Breastballs, below Omaha, hey look so I got it I'm gonna get into the details of it on the next episode because I don't think I should talk about something just on the audio because we weren't able to talk about on video I'm just gonna address it quickly here and in detail on the next episode which is I'm very fortunate in that I booked a part in a movie okay movie star and you know something I always wanted to do it does mess with your schedule in a lot of ways and you know you can't do a movie and other things at the same time so I had to move Salt Lake City from April to September that is due to availability

people are like why would you move it that many months because that's when it's available for me to move it to so if you have tickets they transfer every show is the same in other words if it's early Thursday it's early Thursday you can get a full refund if you no longer want to go or can't go that's what's happening with Salt Lake Australia had to pull the plug on to because of the movie I'm actively speaking to them about dates to return because I do want to come and do the shows in Australia as of now everybody is entitled to the full refund so I just wanted to let you know that is why it's happening it's because

of a movie and like I said I'll get into all the details on the next episode all right Jean where are you gonna be? March 30th and 31st Portland, Oregon at Hyrium Comedy Club and those tickets are going very fast so if you want to come I highly suggest buying them now there's only four shows and I think a couple of them are just selling out or have sold out and then April 29th I've added a date I am going to Manfran Disco April 29th one show only so get your tickets Christina P online and I've also added May 4th the rec room at Glow Zone in Huntington Beach, California so quite a name for a comedy club but I hear it's

awesome I heard that too Huntington Beach come out and see me May 4th and then May 9th Oxnard, California Levity Live in Oxnards, Oxtards what do you think? Yeah I don't know you pick. You're the expert in this I don't know. Anyways Christina P online for tickets guys and thanks for everybody who came out to see me prior where was I? I don't know. Where was I? Oh Calusa yeah. I'd go retarded. Yeah. What's that one? I'd go retarded. I love it. Is that it? That's all I got right now. All right guys. What sounds funny? It actually that part doesn't sound funny now. Now you like it. Like his scream and stuff. Do you want to know what the name of that song is? No you won't. It's

called How Do You Not Find It Funny by Alan Bell. That's great. Yeah it's funny because I don't see him right now. I don't see that he's suffering so I can just laugh at the sounds that he's making. Right. Yeah it's good stuff right? It's really good. It's good. Oh my goodness. I gotta open this. OMG's. What's going on Thomasaurus? Well we are still so people know we're both sick. That's nice. I know I've been sick for like two months I feel like. It's hard to shake it. So annoying. Well because our kids always sick and then you get whatever preschool disease he brings home. Yeah he gets sick every other week. I know and now there's foot

and mouth going around his preschool today when I dropped him off and I almost hesitated and then I'm like you know what he's gonna need to get that eventually. Yeah every kid gets something but man. Did they have that shit when we were kids? Hand foot and mouth disease I feel like. It doesn't sound familiar from that era. I remember hearing it later. Yeah I feel like this is a recent thing. Yeah you and I. I'm not really sure what it is. We had chicken pox. That was our generation. We did have chicken pox. Remember when you got chicken pox and you'd find scabs on your head. Yeah that was the best ones because you could pick those freely. Yeah

really scrape at them. Yeah who cares if you get a scar on your head. Yeah you could find some blood in there and you're like oh this is awesome. Those oatmeal baths they smell delicious. They sure do. Thanks everybody. A lot of people enjoy Johnny Pemberton's episode. Oh how funny is he. He's great. And his accents were amazed. He's a master. I don't know about that. Let's not get crazy. He's really good. Hey Tom there's only one master and that's you. Thanks a lot. Thanks Mike. Wow what region was that. That was East London. Wow you are so good. I'm down to the just like to the actual neighborhoods. What else have you been working on

accent wise. I know you're watching that Winston Churchill movie. Did you pick up any inspiration from there. I mean you know I've been doing that. Those dialects for a long time. I'm trying to actually move out of the whole United Kingdom because it's too easy. So I've been trying to go to like other parts of the world. Really. What are you looking. There's some Baltic stuff that I've been working on. Yeah. So like an example would be like a. He's a. He's got. He's got. He's got. Inside. So that would be. Wow. Yeah. I mean you sounded just like a relative. I could have an 80 year old man. Yeah. In a small

village. Thank you. Wow. And you know honestly I was working with my dialect coach the other day and he was like you picked that up immediately. Yeah. You don't even have to try. You have such a finely tuned ear. Yeah. Where do you practice. I've never seen you practice right here. Right. You come in here and you lock yourself in. There's you know pitch perfect. Yeah. Designed to the studio because we had the good fortune of having a musician here before us. Yeah. So. Yeah. Both are using our instruments. I saw some interview you did on my YouTube and you were like oh we have a professional studio of the guy that

used to score you know movies. And now we talk about farts in there. So it's kind of neat. Yeah. He really was an accomplished guy. Oh my God. Yeah. And he had big time artists in here. I know. And now we're like you can't just drink come you got to wash your face with it too. Yeah. So stupid. I know. Well let's get our stupidity going. Okay. Yeah. There we go. We got so much to go through. Your mom's house. I'm your host and dear leader Tom Segura and she is the fart mistress Christina P. Right. Yeah. Is that how you want it to be. Yeah. The far the yeah the fart mistress dot com. Yeah. Have we were we still have that

one. We still have it. Trying to get my mom to do it. Yeah. What happened with that. We'll get into it. I feel like the holidays came. We got a little baby jeans got her more money. I think. Where is it at right now. No. It's just for me. It's not we're not going to solicit money. I'm just right. What's the dollar amount. I think I have a couple thousand dollars. She's like I'm not a prostitute to me. Yeah. Just fart on camera a few times. Yeah. It's not a prostitute at all. It's not a little bit of a prostitute. A fart to do. That's not. I don't feel like that's prostitution. You would do those for you do that for free. You do the other

thing for free too. Well. Yeah. I guess so. But it's not it's not illegal. You know. Farting for money. Is that illegal. It's not illegal. Right. But fucking for money is. So there you go. There's a legal distinction to be had. Interesting point. Interesting point. You always have a point and you can do it in public. You can fart anywhere. We think of this. OK. Dean and Christie parade that devout Christians. They found an unusual way of spreading God's word through swinging. Yeah. Who is Randy. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Well. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

With Don Segura. Christina. Welcome to your mom's house. Yes. Yeah. Is this UK master of accents? Ah, no, I don't think so. They have such a Florida vibe to them.

No, it sounded, oh, maybe it was just the announcer. Yeah. I like that guy's cool pink hair. And they're all into like their training, fitness levels. You could tell they're really into, you know, bodybuilding. Yeah. And I like this guy's shirt. It's kind of muted.

It's just like a subtle, bright neon green. His hair is, what color is his hair? That's like fuchsia. That's cool. Because he's like, what is he, 60-something? I don't know. That's the time to dye your hair fuchsia when you're a man. And then the other guy, he's got, he's also into the, he hits the gym for sure.

Yeah. Yeah. A couple of dads, and they're in total dad gear too. They got the cargo shorts with the functional pockets. I gotta be honest, religious swinging is totally new to me. I didn't know. This is one I wish my parents had gotten into because they liked the religious part. Yeah.

They never did the swinging. I wonder how they're connecting those dots because generally monogamy is the, the norm. Yeah. You know. Let's see what happens. Hmm. If I was a priest going to a swinger's club, would you listen to me? You got a better chance of listening to me spreading the word of God.

Being another swinger, it's still a sin. It's just, how are you using it? I feel like right now this is God's plan. Um. I didn't know that she had, I didn't know she had the streets. I know what we're talking about. She's got blonde hair with blue streaks. Is that what you're hung up on?

Well, I'm just saying, she does have blonde hair with blue streaks. And pink. Yeah. And he has like purple-ish. Looks great. It looks good. They're both bodybuilders. Oh, that's the.

Don't you think, don't you see that? Yeah. Yeah. Cause I don't know. I'm a little hung up on her non-binary expression. Expression. I'm just saying that the voice doesn't match the. Oh, that's the extra testosterone.

Yeah. That's what happens when you bodybuild. You get a lot of testosterone. That's what we were talking about. Some of the girls sound like me. My name is Amanda and I'm a ball hog. Yeah. That's what we were talking about at lunch yesterday.

That's what I was trying to remember. You were looking at pictures of this female bodybuilder. Oh, the bodybuilders. Yeah. And we were, and I was like, would you ever, what would you do if I took up bodybuilding? It would be a lot to, you know, it's. It's not the physicality of it. I mean, there's some beautiful female bodybuilders.

Okay. And they, you know, they, yeah, it's a, some people really like the extremes of the super muscular. That's a little much for me, but I'm saying there's some beautiful women doing it. It's the lifestyle. If you're a spouse, if you're not into that, it's like any other lifestyle choice. Because they're so dedicated, like it's your life 24 seven. You don't become super yoked and lean like that unless you're always on top of like weighing

your food. Right. You're doing your three workouts a day or whatever. And you know, you had like, I didn't do lats. I got to get back in there. And then you got your cardio and it would just be such an all, you either have to be the spouse has to be the all in there support coach type, like where I'm prepping your food for you.

I love that she does this shit. Right. She gets her chicken and stuff ready every day. Her flavorless, dry chicken breasts, or it has to be the partner who's doing it totally with you. Just by the way, the same, the same applies to, um, if you were growing weed at the house or something. It's like, I have to either be supportive of you or doing it with you.

Well, cause when you and I were dieting together, like we were both doing, you were doing paleo, right? Sorry, keto. I was like on the primal diet. It's similar. So we could support each other. Yeah. Exactly.

We didn't have bad stuff around the house. Like I wouldn't bring in like brownies, 24 sevens. Um, yes, it is, it is quite a dedicated lifestyle choice. Holy moly. How long do you think you would take me, uh, to get my body and like bodybuilder female shape? 13 years. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm serious. Like to strip, strip, especially a female body to strip the body of fat. It's funny. I mean, and some men I've heard, but you usually hear the women say it more, they're scared to lift a weight because they think they will turn like that. Right. And it's like, you don't understand how much you would have to do for how long to look

like that. Yeah. It's not going to happen in a few months of you picking up weights. I used to think that that's why I wouldn't do any kind of weight, lip weight training or whatever. I know that I do, I do Pilates now, but yeah, I was so afraid of looking too muscular as if that could ever happen to my body here, right? Well, I mean, it can happen if you were so into it that you were doing it, you know,

five days a week for years, like some of those people that, that get the really, really, really yoked super muscular. So crazy. They're years into doing that. And the injections, I imagine you kind of have to do some kind of hormone. Yeah. Yeah. You know, clean, um, you know, competitions where, but they look different because they

look lean. They're not as bulky, you know. Right. Cause that's so hard to, that really is kind of, I don't know much about obviously body building or nutrition or, I mean, but you're kind of deforming yourself a little, aren't you? A little bit. Yeah.

They have a bit of body dysmorphia. I mean, A bit. Yeah. Some of the, some of them have it so bad. You know. I love those documentaries. I've watched them like Lou Ferrigno or whatever they always talk about pummin and they're

always like, Oh, I have such puny quads where I have such puny, my, my calves are puny. And you're like, Oh my God, no, they're not bro. Like those are rocks, you know, but they, Oh no, I'm sorry, I'm thinking of Jersey Shore. They're always. I don't know what you're saying, but okay. Uh, yeah. What's this name? The dummy.

Well, that's the thing. A lot of those Jim rats, uh, one of those juice heads, you know, those gorilla juice heads. They're all upper body guys. So they have, they have crazy huge biceps and chests and then they have these two little flamingo legs. Like sticks. Yeah.

That's so funny. You see that all the, I used to see that all the time at like the, the golds gym. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's these dudes like, huh. And then they have these tiny little legs. You forget the bottom half. Yeah.

Because they're, they're mirror, they're beach guys. Like they're, they're, they're, they're just in the mirror looking at the upper body and they don't think about the, but the body builders do it all the time. All about proportion. That's serious. Yeah. Serious. Serious.

They wanted to all match up and look, you know, now symmetry, but let's be, okay, let's be honest. Um, aesthetically speaking, like if I got super jacked, like those pictures, like where I had no fat, just Jack, Tom, I'm going to do triceps and chest and my trainer's not here yet. Can you get some avocado? It's kind of sliced and going. Yeah.

Sure, babe. Can you spot me? Yeah. I'll spot you. I love you. Oh, let's do it. And like sex and stuff. I mean, I, I would be bigger than you.

For sure. If you were doing, yeah, I don't know if you'd be bigger, but you'd be, you'd have so much more muscle. Yeah. And you'd have, they have no fat in their face. No. So they look kind of like Skeletor in the face. Some of them.

There's no cheeks. No cheeks. No tetas. I mean, you, I would be fat less. I would just be like Skeletor, you know, but, but jacked. And then, uh, and they always tan. The tan is very dark tanning is most of the work is what I've learned. I, did that just, it just makes you look glowy.

I'm guessing like healthier or something. I think it, it's all about the, you see the contrast in the muscles more on dark than you do on fair skin. Uh-oh. Okay. See where the muscles are, you know, I mean, like, yeah, the contortion with a, yeah, I think you see it more on dark skin. Yeah.

I'm going to start doing it. I'm dedicated. What, why don't you just get involved in the tanning part? I actually do need a tan. I saw Nikki Glaser at the store the other day and she looked amazing and she goes, oh, I, I got a spray tan. You got to try it. I'm like, wow, that's it.

Like you, she looked healthy and I look like I'm dying. I don't know if I can do it. You know, like you're dying, but yeah, depleted. You want me to do a spray tan too? Yeah. You want, you want to go? I don't know if I can do a pregnant, but I love to. I'll do a spray tan.

I'll do fake chompers. Like they're white, perfect smiles. Yeah. It's a great look. It's a great, you got to get a white, white, white, white. I do respect the shit out of, by the way, the, the dedication, the discipline of those people. Yeah.

The body builders. Are you kidding? Because they are off the charts disciplined. I mean, they wake up at the crack of dawn. They're in the gym. They, you're eating. They're eating is like the most impressive. Yeah.

They eat super clean and they also have to eat a lot of them. A lot. Yeah. Yeah. I remember I watched a documentary on a, we were watching the same one. The guy in the UK that was a body builder. Yeah. And he's like, you have to love eating.

No, that wasn't a body builder though. Those were strong men competitions. Oh, those guys. By the way, we watched a disaster artist last night. Yeah. It was great. It was funny. It was great.

James Franco. I love James Franco. Did he molest people? Something. I forget. He had some. First of all, let me save you. Allegedly.

Some kind of hashtag me too going. I don't know. They did. They did report something about him. Yeah. But I mean, I don't know. I don't think he molested me. Well, let's get back to her.

I really like her feminine voice. And you're saying that her voice is like mine. A little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Let me see. Did she speak right then? I mean, she's quite a looker too.

Let's not forget him. Yeah. Praise going to a swinger's club. Would you listen to me? You got a better chance of listening to me. Swingers are gross. Being another swinger, it's still a sin. It's just, how are you using it?

I feel like right now this is God's plan. Yeah. No, it's... To make me into a man. There's hormones in there. To make me into a man. We love swimming. As a lifestyle.

And then it was like, you know what? We can do a lot of good with this. I'm getting to people that probably never will... That's Florida. You're right. Visit a church. Oh, right. A church.

Oh, they're going to hold church as they fuck? I don't know, but that's what he said. So he's reaching people that he never would have reached without swinging. It's such a unique approach. Why are they swinging? They're so gross. Like, why do they have to be so creepy about it? You know, like the girls stroking the other girls' leg and they're like, oh, you feel great.

Then they... They're all about that fucking, you know? Yeah, they're gross. They're always so grody about it. You think so? Yeah, I've never seen a documentary on swingers that I would actually want to swing with. That's true. I watched that one on Netflix.

I forget what it's called. And they focused a lot on this British... I think it was all... Maybe it was all in the UK. They love it. And there was this one dude. He looked like a real fucking old school dad. He had, you know, his khakis and his...

He was like, we're having a swimming party here tonight. And, you know, he had his gray mustache. His wife was... It's his second wife or third wife. And she was all in it. She was like, I think it's great that he feels, you know, so liberated and everything. And he's basically just like, I like to fuck, man. You know?

I need someone I want to fuck him. Yeah. Do you think you and I are going to go into swinging eventually? I think eventually, yeah. Once the kids leave. We talk about that, you know? Yeah. We have to go to Florida.

That's where they live. I think you could find a few in California. Jacksonville. Jacksonville probably has a good population on it. We don't have to go there. Why don't we just go to Ventura County? That's not far. You think that's where the swingers are?

For sure. Yeah. Santa Clarita? Sure. Anybody out there ready to swing? Come over, have a couple drinks. Oh, gosh, you have such nice legs. Yeah, it's all like that.

She's like, thanks. You have nice shoulders. And then they have to talk about their boundaries and their... Oh, yeah. What are you into? What are you not into? It's like shooting a scene. Am I allowed to pet your penis, touch your penis, ejaculate on me?

All that stuff. We have to go over the rules and stuff. You've got to figure out, we're going to condoms. We're going to do tests. You know, do blood work before. Wow. So you go like, here's my blood work. She's like, cool.

I'm down. Seems like a lot of work. You want to live the lifestyle or not? I want to live the lifestyle. I want to help God. I want to praise God. Let's get God into it. Today, true to their word.

They're talking about the Bible with their latest swinging partners. People are like, well, you're supposed to be a Christian, but you're a swinger. If all the swingers are sinners, what's the best way to talk to the sinners? To join them, right? Oh, that's the... That makes a lot of sense. These guys are in the gym a lot too. A lot.

You know, Johnny's fitness center. Oh, yeah. It's his gym. Yeah. What better way to talk about Jesus than to swing? This guy is so just smart. They're both like, we're not interested in this Christian bullshit that you're doing. Of course.

He's just... Look at him. He's just like, oh, my fuck your wife, dude. Just stop it. She realizes in the Bible there are so many gray areas. Yeah, it says, I shall not covet thy neighbor's wife, but what if your neighbor wants you to? That's a good point.

Wait a minute. Before I got clean, my life was a living hell. I got down on my knees and I prayed to God. I'm like, please help. I didn't expect that turn. I didn't either. There's a lot of that though, right? The Bible after you go clean.

And the Jesus? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And fitness. Yeah, yeah. Fitness is good for her. Yes, that's huge. Like, I am clean now. I got all this fucking energy.

I gotta do something with it. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. I stopped drinking now. I have to play 10 hours of basketball a day. Yeah. Seven days a week is what I do.

Yeah. You gotta find something, man. You gotta find your passion. She's a little unconscious. Like, are you going to fucking get a personal right now? A lot of nail work there too. She's one of those broads that like every nail is different. I mean, that's got to take hours to do, right?

It takes time. Because I get my nails done. I'm like, just one color. Come on, dude. I don't have a fucking day. You don't understand the Florida lifestyle. Fairly not. Fairly not.

That's all. That's all. Oh, there they go. They're pumping it. She happened to have a female friend there. And I get in the showers. You know, start showering after work. And next thing I know, they're both in the shower with me.

You know, I didn't know what was going on. But soon the swinging lifestyle became hot at their marriage. They got, they, they, they showered at work together. Is that what I understand? No. He got home from work and he went to shower. Oh. And she had a female friend over a female.

I didn't say her girlfriend was over. I don't know. It's weird when people specify like that. It's like prisoners. They talk like that. She got a female. A male. Female.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's weird. It's weird to make that distinction. Like, Hey, I'm strictly girl boy. You know, Speaking of prisoners, I can't get enough of that show.

But it is starting to be more and more upsetting though. I know. Because I find myself getting angry every time I watch certain people on that show. Yeah. My favorite is the woman who's bringing home the convicted felon of 18 years with a robbery with a deadly weapon. Yeah.

Assault. No robbery. Yeah. Robbery. And she's got three, three children at home and she's like, instant daddy, here's your new dad. Why don't you like him? She really needs psychological help.

God damn. She's really messed up. And her kids are smarter than she is. The kids are like. Far smarter. He's a convicted felon. We don't know him. And we don't want him to be our instant dad.

And she's like, you don't want to, you're not excited to see him. And they're like, no. No. No. She's like, he's excited to meet you guys. And they're like, that's great. I'm not excited to meet him. Your new dad.

What is it? Love. Love after lockup. Yeah. It's so good. Well, I remember my mother met my stepdad through a singles ad in the back of the Indian newspaper. Yeah.

She liked Indian guys. So she put an ad out, Buxom, European woman seeks a wealthy Indian husband. They know. And we got a bag of letters, of course, because Buxom blonde European woman is like the lead. So out of all the photographs, she chooses him cause he's wearing an Armani suit next to his Mercedes on a cell phone back in the nineties. And I swear to God, they got married one month later. Yeah.

Brick phone. Yeah. And they were drug dealer. Like a drug. Yeah. Fucking total drug. 100%. Yeah.

So they're talk on the phone constantly. Yeah. Yeah. And I would talk to him on the phone occasionally, like, oh, hey, I have three daughters. One of them is into a goth music too. And I was like, great. And a month later, we were at the courthouse in downtown LA. Same thing.

Like this is your new daddy, but I actually liked him. So thank goodness, you know, anything to get away from my mom, anything to take the photos. Like, so this guy's getting out of prison. Yeah. Oh, no, that's way worse or way worse. And you're like, why worse? Was it like bank fraud or, you know, insider trading robbery with a deadly, it's a very

violent crime. Violent crime. And I want him to be the new man in your life. Yeah. Hmm. That is an interesting thing, mom. It's your role model. You're really, you're dead.

You really are a thinker, mom. I like that you, you have good ideas and you plan things out. Good maternal instinct to protect your kids too. Like, where's the maternal instinct to protect? That's what I'm saying. I mean, he's watching this like, you want that man around your children? He's going to teach them how to make toilet wine, babe. It's fine.

And she's like, why aren't you guys excited? You know what I'm saying? Here's how you lift weights. He's how you bench press, using nothing but your own body, his resistance. He's, he's like, oh my God, that guy's fucked up. Yeah. They're all fucked up. I'm not even gonna pay for this.

Who's dating a fucking felon? Dude, you're crazy. That's not good. Yeah. It's funny though. It's fun to watch. It's fun to get mad. I know.

Yeah. You do. And then I get mad. I get mad more at the civilians, not at the prisoners. No, cause the prisoners are actually trying to get their lives. They're, they're actually trying to meet the parole needs and get jobs. They're actually all doing what they're supposed to be doing. And the, the civilians are like, why aren't we married yet?

Remember crazy? God. He does every interview. He's like, he's like, Anna, um, and I are, we're going to have a great time together. Yeah. And people who don't like it, then they can get out of my life. I don't give a shit what they want. And she's like, they're always like, I don't know why she doesn't want to have a baby already.

Like she's only been out of prison for two weeks. Maybe she needs to adjust. She's clearly using again. Clearly on heroin. She's like, what's your problem? Yeah. It never occurred to me that she might be using. Well, from what I understand, prison's not the place to get clean.

Yeah. Kind of, it's not a resort. It's not like a Malibu rehab, you know? No. I'd be wanting drugs 24 seven. Of course. That's when you start doing drugs. All right.

Let's get back to swinging. Yeah. The Bible doesn't talk about swing, uh, specifically. Coal. It's a married couple. You agree on something together, then it's okay. Okay. If you're not, then like I said, judgment day, I'll find that out.

Oh, okay. You're, huh? Well, she's, she's like, well, it's not in the Bible. Right. It doesn't say you can't swing. In Jesus times. I don't want to show people where they swinging back. And I'm sure they were, but.

And now they've set up a website. Oh yeah, it is for people. Look at those fucking nails, man. The next swingers event and get 10 people to believe in Christ. That's how it's done. Uh, look at her looking down. Yeah. I don't know about that.

I don't know the swinging part of it, man. Yeah. He's like, he's trying to, to find the whole, the loophole that it's really about spreading the gospel. Jesus. And she's like, uh-huh. She's real shiny. He has good intentions, but he's delusional.

Yeah. Just be swingers. And they've recruited help running the site from close to home. Working with a mom on a sex website is a little different. I am not currently involved in lifestyle. It's never a non-possibility. What? That's her daughter, by the way.

Who's doing. Helping. Fitness swingers site with her. It's not, not a, not a not possibility that she becomes involved in swinging. Is that one? Good parenting. Good religion. Good, good, good.

All good. A lot of bright colors. These people. Yeah. Bright colors. Poor daughter. Yeah. Yeah.

She's not into the lifestyle. She's not into either lifestyle. The lifestyle. Yeah. Lifestyle. So far today, God hasn't said, hey, Dean, stop this. It's a sin. I don't want you to do this.

What are you expecting? Until we close that? I'm going to keep trying to help as many people as we can. That's what I don't like, the spin. Yeah. That this is all about help. This is all about busting a nut. I'm not mad at.

No, I'm mad at you, but don't, don't make God the pimp. You know, you should play this for your parents and see if they agree with Catholicism. God, I know you're going to retire soon. Have you thought about expanding and maybe bringing, spreading God, the message of the Lord in a different way, you know, unbelievable, unbelievable. Oh, can I, can we pull up the article I sent you? Oh yeah. So I got the sense to me from my friend Eric.

Apparently there's a man who's chosen to live as a Dalmatian, a 32 year old man has taken it, has decided to live as a domesticated Dalmatian. Oh, Tom Peters told UK's this morning while he uses his real name when he works at his job as a lighting and theater technician, he likes to be referred to as spot when he transforms into a puppy. Peter said his Dalmatian costume helps him transform into his persona of a puppy, which is a lifestyle he is fully committed to. He sleeps, he sleeps in an enclosure, walks on all fours and eats from a dog bowl.

Will you scroll down a bit further? Yeah. Here's my favorite part, which you guys are all going to appreciate. Yeah. Hold on. Here we go. Here we go. Peter added that contrary to popular belief, people who chose to live their lives as dogs

aren't doing it to cause mischief or sexual pleasure, but rather to have fun and literally be treated like a puppy. It is not a sexual thing. It's a lifestyle. It's just escapism. To get away from fund, FUND and the frenetic life we have. Peter said fun. That's what your puppies don't like.

It's not sexual, guys. I don't treat my dogs like that. No, it's a little puppy. Oh, puppy. You don't have a tail. Oh, no, no, no. I don't like this tail stuff. Good puppy.

Good puppy. Yeah. Good puppy. Yeah. You push down on that if you think it feels okay. Yeah. Yeah. It's not sexual, Tom.

It's not sexual at all. What was sexual about that? In the least. Now, you've come because you need a tail, haven't you? Oh, shit. Good puppy. Yeah. Is this the tail you'd like us to give you?

Yeah. Good puppy. And then... Because you must chose that tail. This is UK. So this is... Scroll up and see if we... Oh, I don't know.

It's an advertiser. Imagine being her. Oh, well, the lead photo, she doesn't look too happy. If you look at the photograph of two of them... No, she doesn't look happy. Yeah. I doesn't say where they live. What if that's you?

That's what I'm saying. Like, okay, what'd you... Okay. So I'm like, babe, I'm a Dalmatian 24-7. I want it when I'm home, I want to be a dog. And I have to crate you at night and stuff? And you gotta tell our son, like, dad, he's a dog. Aww.

Aww. Let's have a look at the little... Aww. Sure. Aww. Good dog. It's so nasty. What's sexual about this?

He's being a dog. No, that's sexual. It's a lifestyle. I'm just a dog. Very bright. I mean, you can't have fun. Okay, would you rather... Do you not like having a good time?

Would you rather become a bodybuilder, like, full? You're in it. You really gotta dedicate for a decade or live as a Dalmatian. For a decade? Yeah. They're both for a decade? Yeah. Well, how long it takes to become a dedicated bodybuilder?

Well, first of all, I mean, it's gotta be bodybuilder. I'm not excited about it. I don't want to do it. But there's no way I could throw myself into the puppy lifestyle for a decade. I mean, it's just... Look, I mean, I would never work again if I was a puppy. You might like it. Boarding flights.

And I'd be like, do I have to sit under the seat? I'm my own emotional... What is it? An emotional needs dog. Emotional deans dog. I'd bring you on as my emotional needs puppy. You can sit on my lap. Okay.

You're very tight down there, aren't you? Very tight. But you can sleep with Fifo and Bitsy. And I could feed the three of you at the same time. It'd be really easy. It'd be great. 100%. Dropping up the kid at school.

I'd be so pissed about bodybuilding. That's one thing I definitely don't want to do. I'd be like, come on. I know. It's so hard. It's just too hard. I don't want to do it. It's too hard.

I just don't want it. I don't want to do it. All done. All done, puppy. You okay? Good puppy. Okay, enough. There's nothing as gross as a dude.

Nothing in the world can be as gross as a man can be. There's never women doing this. There's never cute girls being like, I want to be a dog. I want you to put a tail in my butt. No, it's always guys. Why are guys so disgusting? Guys being like, I want to be a dog. Pretend we're at the vet and I need a tail.

But really, you just shoved this dildo up my asshole. We'll call it a tail. Why are they such savages, Tom? What's going on with you guys? We're just fucked up, man. I don't know why. This is just like misdirected sexual energy. Yeah, maybe it's a frustrated sexual energy.

You don't have immediate access to women or men or whatever. And I think it has a lot to do with, you know, at some point this guy wanted to express some sexual thing, some kink, and you repressed it and repressed it. And then you keep repressing it. And then maybe he teases it once to someone and it gets shot down. So then it goes back to being bottled up, bottled up. And then one day he's like, I'm going to live life as a dog. And then you guys just fucking put me in a cage and like it goes to an extreme.

Yeah. You know, because it's also, there's nothing wrong. I'm not trying to kink shame people, but to live your life as a dog is an extreme, obviously. That's not like... Yeah. 24-7 is a bit much. I mean, I understand the, you know, recreational, the weekends or whatever the heck. Maybe women too in society haven't really been as encouraged to explore their obedience.

That's true. So maybe in another generation or two. And there is a lot of kink shaming on probably either side. I mean, yeah. Yeah. Well, women don't even admit to, you know, simple things. And guys when they're young are told basically, don't be weird. Yeah.

Well, everyone's told that right shit. I think so. But I'm saying so you need to like healthy encouragement. Yeah. You know. Of your shit. Things like this. That's cool.

Oh, good puppy. Spin around. Spin around. And let's see you from the front. Spin around. Okay. I'm enough. Good puppy.

Good puppy. I've had enough of it. Oh, now you've got a tail. No, please don't. I don't want the tail, Tom. Give it away. Because I think about my sweet little dogs. No, I'm a dog lover.

Anyways, new topic. You and I have been having social dinners very early lately. That's part of our new lifestyle. Some people are into singing and Jesus. And we're into going to bed. So I'm into it. I'm into it too. Look, you fucking, I was a late night guy for so long.

You know, our whole relationship, it was all, you've been going to bed and I'd be like, I'll see you when I see you, man. I would be up till two, three in the morning. Talking to the raccoons. Wake up at 11 noon, whatever. That was just life. This human boy came into our house. It's just changed, but I miss, I miss having sleep.

So yeah, you got to, you got to kind of move to his schedule. I need to be home early. I don't like this late night. I don't either. It doesn't work for us anymore. So we had dinner with some business friends. And as a joke, I threw out 6pm. I was like, there's no way he's going to even 530.

I think I threw out there. I was like 536 and you typed it into the group text. You were like, yeah, 6 o'clock. And I was like, babe, I'm kidding. Nobody eats dinner at 6pm except us privately. We'll go down to the steakhouse in the neighborhood and eat at 6 o'clock because that's what we do. But the guy agreed.

He did. And he and his wife, they have the three children, right? Two. Yeah, two along the way. And they loved it too. They were like, great. They were like, this is great. Yeah.

This is great. Well, I love it. You still get home in time to watch your show. Yeah. Yeah. And then you go to the Mellow Alex. If you go to the 8 o'clock dinner. Forget it.

Then you're home at 1030. Too late. It's late now. I go right to sleep. I can't watch my love after lock up. That's right. Can't have a little treat, a little snack. No, this is just perfect, Tommy.

And it's good because the restaurant's still empty. Yeah. You're there right before the dinner rush. I don't mind it. I don't mind it either. It's a little embarrassing. It's a little embarrassing. It makes getting up tolerable too.

Yeah. Because, you know, I've had to adapt. Now I get up every day around seven. Yes. You know what? Because I made plans with my mom friends. And these are the two girls I grew up with, went to school with. And they were my slutty-est, drinking-est friends.

Right? So these two sluts, they're like, yeah, let's have dinner at nine. And I was like, yo, I mean, can we get that down to eight? And then I'll be in the car. I'll be coming Uber-ing home at 10. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? They stay out until, you know, one, two in the morning.

I'm like, yeah, but you got to wake up with your baby. They had, you know, one and a half year olds at the time. I mean, you guys are fucking nuts, hungover. How do they do it? They just, they punish themselves and they take care of the baby. Just push through it. Yeah. Which I can't, I just can't.

I just can't do it anymore. I can't do it either. Too old. Physically incapable. I don't want to. I don't, why can't I get drunk at seven p.m.? I can still get drunk. Yeah.

Let's just move it up. Start at six, bro. And then I'm in bed by 10. I'm with you, man. I don't have to start at 10. And you're fucking mine. You know what I can't do is if I'm doing a road thing, do a late out night and then have to get up early to four in the next morning.

Oh, fuck that, bro. I can't do that shit now. I'm like, no, no, no. I either have to move my flight or just not do this. Yeah. No, you got to go to sleep, bro. Sleep. Sleep's number one.

Number one, man. Sleep is at the top of the list of things I need to put me in a good mood. I can't function. No. I don't know. There's these people that do the three or four hour things. Who talks about these folks? Who'd they say is like that?

Some celebrities that they said, oh, I heard that Chappelle's like that. Right. I was at the store the other night. Chris Rock and Chappelle were there. And they were doing the same show in the belly room, the little 80 seat room. And I was talking to one of the guys that travels with him a lot. He's like, yeah, you know, he's looking notorious late night guy. And I go, oh, so then he just goes to, you know, he's like, we do a lot of six a.m.

seven a.m. Stay up till six or seven a.m. No way. No way. And then I go, but then like you guys sleep all day. He's like, no, that's the crazy part is that he'll be up at like nine or 10. He just needs a few hours. I mean, I envy these people.

I've always wished I were that type that didn't need to sleep. I slept three or four. I'm fine. I'm great. And then go play sports the next day. It's just not my constitution. Life exhausts me so much. Like I just got exhausted.

I'm sick right now. And I'm, my theory is still that, that it happened when I got bad sleep. I went to bed late the other night and I had to get up and I could feel myself breaking down. I don't know how these guys do it. If I don't rest enough and forget, I get sick. Smoking is no good. I know, but he still is like just going fine.

I know. Some people are genetically freaked. So, um, my father had a friend, the guy is dead now, so I can talk about it. I'm hoping. It was just wired that way too. Like this dude would sleep like, he would party, right? Like hard. Like you name it.

That guy was doing it and sleep three or four hours. No. Wake up. I can do, I can do, I like being up late, but I have to be able to sleep. Of course. But then he'd wake up, go play soccer. Cause he was a Hungarian guy and he loved to play soccer and then all day, like do whatever. Like you're crazy.

Do you remember when I used to work the graveyard shift? Yes. It was very bad for you. It was really bad. And so I was up. Very bad. The shift would end around like six a.m. I think. Six or seven a.m.

That's tough on the body. I would go home and you know, you hit like weird second wins and I would have to do something to kind of wind down and then I would go to bed and I mean, I would sleep until sometimes an hour before I had to go back to work with the shift again. I was telling one of the guys I worked with and he was like, why do you sleep so much? What? Cause he was also in the graveyard and he was like, yeah, I just sleep a few hours and then I'm like.

I wish. I was falling apart. I know. I was falling apart. That would go into the edit bays cause it was at a post production place and I would sleep on one of the empty edit bay couches and this guy one time an editor, junior assistant editor came in. He was like, man, you're snoring.

We can hear it down the hall. Of course. Cause it was three 30 or four in the morning. I just couldn't do it. Well, plus it messes up your metabolism. Everything. When you eat, when you're not eating it, you shouldn't be eating it three or four in the morning.

No. It slows everything down. It's just bad. That's when I first started to put on weight. Yeah. I was doing that shift actually. Yeah, of course. I went into that thing around 200 pounds, you know, like 195, 200 pounds when I started

working in those jobs. And like after six months of doing crazy shifts and then graveyard shift, that was 25 pounds heavier. No. Yeah. Well, I was gaining weight just working the clubs. We remember we were talking about years where you and I were on the road grinding out weeks. This is our schedule back in 2010.

Was it? Tom and I would do this show. Okay. We tape your mom's house on Tuesdays. We would both get on planes Wednesdays to go do the clubs. Do shows Wednesday through Sunday. What they would do is they would say, you have to leave Wednesday to do Thursday morning press.

Press, right. The whole thing is about, and that's like, good morning Hartford and like some, you know, some bullshit radio, none of which ever paid off. Never. That's why you had to leave on Wednesday to do the bullshit fucking local press that nobody who likes what we do ever listens to our watches. No. Okay.

So then Thursday, you're, so Wednesday you fly across the country. Yeah. Two planes. Usually we were picking you up at six a.m. Eastern time. We're West coast body clock. So it's three a.m. for us. Wake up, take you to these fucking dumps where the guy doesn't care, didn't look up. What do you do?

I'll just say Tom's here and just take it from there. Yeah. What? Like they wouldn't know. It wouldn't look up anything about you. And then you do that press for like three hours. Then you're like, holy shit. So tired.

Then you eat breakfast. You go to sleep and you would sleep like four or five hours or something. Then a show Thursday. Sometimes it would have Friday press to, right? They wake you up the next day to do press again, two shows Friday, two shows Saturday, one show Sunday. Yes. All that fly back home Monday, sometimes on a connecting flight.

Yeah. So now you're back in LA, ideally by two, two or three p.m. if you're lucky. That's a good one. We'd get home. We'd get the dog because at the time we just had FIFO with this nice man that would watch FIF and he'd bring them over. We'd make dinner. We'd regroup next morning, wake up, do your mom's house, do whatever fucking things you

had to do. And if you were lucky. Unpack, do your laundry, everything. It was terrible. You're lucky. So hard. Like I'm staying home this week. Staying home this week, dude.

Yeah. Making those. Oh, God. One of us would be like, fuck, I'm going out again. Yeah. I would tell you about it that those years when you and I were just grinding, grinding, grinding like, you kind of, we had to do that to get here, obviously, but of course, but those were the years, man.

I would, I remember when we lived in Redondo, I would land at the airport and I would just put my bags down. Cause we lived less than a mile from the beach. We rented like this little house. A little guest house, yeah. And I would go to the beach and I would just fucking lay on the sand and the feel of the sunlight after being in these like dark places, you know? Yeah.

You know, like a rock turtle when you're a comic too. It's not like you, I didn't go out during the day. So I would just be in a dark hotel room, go to the club, eating, crying, drinking. Good Lord. Thank God those days are over, man. That's terrible, man. Making your money. My name is Alexa and I'm a Balhav.

You can get her to say stuff like that. I guess so. I mean, somebody got, uh, who did this? What a slut. Kelly, Kelly from Brooklyn had it done. Good job Kelly. My name is Alexa and I'm a Balhav. I'm a Balhav.

I got a great, a great one. Oh yeah? Yeah. Hi, I'm Peyton Lafferty and I'm a Balhav. So this guy, I don't know what city this is in. This is in Florida, I think. Peyton, I think. Um, he said he's driving home and he hears this guy on the radio named Jim Fisher, one

of these, I don't know, talk radio guys and he's rambling on about how transgender people are taking a drug to lactate, right? Oh, okay. Because they want to be able to breastfeed too. Sure. So he called into the show. Okay. Um, he says to call him Pancake the IBS Champ.

Um, but this is really great. So he had his, it's not the most premium audio because he told his friends to record it for them. So he's like, there's a couple, you know, it's not like super clear. It's not from the station, but this is the best, uh, this is just, this is great. This is him calling into this guy Jim Fisher show. Here we go. Okay.

Hi, Jim. Long time listener. I'm Peyton Lafferty and I'm a Balhav and I was born James Lafferty and I began to transition two years ago. I want to call and give you an idea of how we feel in the transgender community about this. My partner and I just talked about it. We think, you know, moms are eating so many bad foods these days, GMOs, they're eating

loose soup and things with parasites. That's not true. I want a ketogenic diet. No, I already have Mary. No, Peyton. That's not true. Yes it is. No Peyton.

That's not true. Have you been around a nursing mother any time in your life? Yeah. And she was eating GMOs and junk food and all this stuff. She wasn't careful about what she ate. Right. And loose soup and everything. Moose soup and everything.

Moose soup and everything. Hilarious. Oh my God. This keeps going. I'm going to raise my children the way I want to and I'm going to raise them with non-gender pronouns. You used to be, I gather, a guy. Yeah.

Okay. You're not going to have any children. I am. I'm going to die. Okay. Have you had your plumbing ripped out? No. That's why they call me a ball hard.

No. Your plumbing ripped out. I mean, how rude can you be? Come down there for moose soup. Your plumbing ripped out. Like how disrespectful. Don't be a jerk. Yeah.

Oh, he's totally a dick. I mean. And a douchebag. And he's also has that holier-than-now tone. Yeah. It's a very condescending tone. Yeah. What the fuck?

I'm going to raise my kids the way I want to raise my kids. When they're born, just like in Sweden, they call all kids 10. It's a non-gender-specific pronoun. And once they get to an age where they realize they want to be a dim or a zur or a he or a she, then they get to make that choice. He's really good at this, by the way. He's really good at it. Yeah.

Wow. Peyton, you did a really good job. Oh my gosh. Yeah. I mean, I would have laughed the whole time. He didn't laugh at all. He did really good. He stuck to it.

I think he actually got into character. I think he was, this feels like when you're acting and you really, when the, when the choice you make really lines up for you and the improv is natural, you don't have to search for it. It really feels like- Like he became the ball hog. He became a ball hog on that. Yeah.

So good. I like that he's- I want a ketogenic diet. I like that he's on a ketogenic, oh, she, excuse me, Peyton, she- They didn't specify their pronouns, Tom. That's really great. Good job. That was amazing.

That was really good. Fuck! You guys are doing good. There ain't, there moves soup in everything. Yeah. That guy sounds like such an asshole that you call him too. Yeah. What a dickhead.

No, they don't. You have your plumbing ripped out yet? Jesus, man. And actually, he's not right because all my slut friends were drinking and stuff and- I know. Whatever the fuck they wanted. This guy thinks, he thinks he speaks for all women that are breastfeeding. Yeah.

Like he knows, please. Fucking clown. What is this? You put this in here? What is this? Mom, we're getting ass fucked by my boyfriend. Sweetheart, I don't want you to be alarmed, okay? I know this may come as a shock to you, but I do have your best interests at heart.

What, why did you put that in there? I don't go through porn clubs, you know. That's your job. No. Now I need to make sure that Donny here knows how to use his penis properly before he can fill your perfect little holes. Oh. My interest?

My interest? Donny, can you quit buttfucking my mother so I can talk to her? God. You know. That's crazy, man. Yeah. That's a genre, huh? That is a genre.

How do they label that one? I don't know. Mom gets... Donny, can you quit buttfucking my mother so I can talk to her? Let me guess. It's a little bit of incest, right? Right. It's incest anal mom.

Isn't it incest adjacent? Cause he's just, she's not like involved. She's just like, dude, stop buttfucking my mom. Oh, so we don't know if that's her son. I'm inferring that. No, no, no. It's the daughter's boyfriend, I think. Right.

So it's... Oh, gosh. I mean, it's... It's milk anal. The mom is getting the boyfriend ready for her daughter. Oh. Oh, okay. I see.

Okay. So it's like the daughter has a boyfriend. So, yeah. And the mom's like, I don't know if you know what you're doing yet. Okay. So I'm going to teach you so that you can please my daughter. I'm trying to think of what the clip title is, though. Oh, yeah.

Mom, you're getting asked about to buy my boyfriend. Maybe he's sad. Mom teaches daughter's boyfriend how to give her daughter good anal. Something like that. Is that the class too long? Yeah, too long. But yeah. Yeah.

You're on the right. I should have been a writer for all these porn clips. You would have a... Donnie. Donnie, can you quit buttfucking my mother so I can talk to her? Buttfucking. Yeah. Buttfucking's a good word.

I like buttfucking. A couple words together. Yeah. Buttfucking. Are you guys buttfucking or what? Yeah, buttfucking. It's good. Unless you see something kind of gross.

Yeah. That lady is taking a dump in public. That's nasty, lady. I don't give a damn. Why you gonna do it right here, though? Why you ain't got to a corner or something? Why don't you take your bitch ass home before I get my life back? Yeah.

Why you shit like that, though, lady? I got to, that's why. Now you pissing. Where your tits you at? Ooh, I hope I ain't stepping up. Gonna take your bitch ass home. Oh, you right. I'm about to take my bitch ass.

I don't. I'm about to take your ugly, ugly bitch ass. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't.

I don't. I'm about to take my bitch ass. I'm about to take your ugly, ugly bitch ass. Did you know in India they're trying to pass a law that you can't poop in public anymore? Is it a big problem there? Yeah. Yes. It's really overpopulated.

Yes. And people shit and piss everywhere. And some people are upset because they want to be able to shit in the streets. I'd be one of those people. Oh, no. I'd be one of the people that be like, can everyone stop doing this, please? It's really bothering me. Yeah, me too.

Yeah. But some people are upset because they don't want their right to shit in public taken away. Well, I get it. I mean, there's probably not enough toilets. No. There's more than a billion people there. So many people. But do you think that's the problem?

There's not enough toilets? I don't know. Well, kind of. Maybe. Maybe. Access to toilets perhaps, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

There's a lot of people. There's a lot of people. I mean, the real problem is just the most horrific poverty you can imagine. That too. Yeah. That's a problem. Well, okay. Would you rather live in India for one year or live as a Dalmatian amongst our dogs for

one year? Go. Now, when you live in India, by the way, here's the thing. You're not, you're living in like the level that most Indians live in, like the majority. I'm assuming that's not very good. But I mean, what level is that? You're not in the, you're not the 1% put it that way. You're in the working class.

You pull a fucking rickshaw. All right. That's not working class. What's that? That's lower class. Okay. So, so you're lower. You're pulling a, you're driving that tuk-tuk or whatever.

Fuck. What do they have there in India? God, could this be any more disrespectful? What do they do? What do you mean? What do they do? The fucking, the cabs. What are they called there?

Cabs. No, they're not called cabs. I don't know what you're trying to say. You know what I'm saying? You pull a rickshaw essentially. Here, let's look it up. I saw it in that movie, the Marigold Hotel, the tuk-tuk. Isn't that what they are?

I don't know. Hey, you're that guy or you're a fucking Dalmatian. Look, here's what I looked up. Look up tuk-tuk. I looked up taxis in India. Here they are. See, like regular fucking. But that's not what I want you to do.

I want you to get the one that you peddle. That's a different story. How do you write, let's see, peddlers, right? Peddle. Yeah. P-D-A-L. Right. Peddle.

Or is it P-E-T-A-L? Something like... Yeah, I want you to... Okay, yeah, like one of those things, like a cart and you pull the person in the cart. All right. Or you're a Dalmatian in our house. Peddler in India. 100%, not even a doubt in my mind.

It'd be great to do that type of work. It'd be humbling. I would make new friends, finally stop doing comedy. Yeah, listen, tuk-tuk, which is known as auto rickshaw in India. Okay. Yeah, tuk-tuk. So you got to buy your tuk-tuk. How much does it cost?

I'm looking it up right now. It's a lot. It's about $2,900 to buy one of those tuk-tuk. But I'll give you that money to start your business. Yeah, there you go. There you go. You got to drive that fucking thing around. I'll do that.

One year? One year in India. But you've ever seen how they drive in India? It's crazy. It's really dangerous, dude. And they just run over people. They don't give a shit. Dead bodies everywhere.

Everywhere? Not everywhere. You got to stop for the cows. All right, I would do it. Stupid tourists and stuff. I'm into it. Yeah, but you have to live on that class. Do you think this is true?

This is real right here. Oh my God. What would you do, by the way? Dalmatian. I would live as a fucking Dalmatian, dude. India's terrible. My stepdad would talk about how horrible it was all the time. Come on.

You would live in a tiny box, first of all. You would live in a squalor. You sound so naive. No, my stepdad used to fucking tell me. Why do you think he left that country, dude? He didn't like it. I think it'd be all right. I mean, come on.

People go there all the time. Dude, you get diarrhea like that. That's another thing. I get diarrhea every day. That's true. You don't like Indian food? I love Indian food. You've never eaten it with me once in the time we've been together.

Your memory is really of concern. When's the time we ate? I want you to go see a neurologist. I'm serious. I really do. Babe, I'm pregnant. I have a mom brain. You know this.

No, no. When's the last time we had India? I'm so over that excuse. When's the last time we had India? Somebody, by the way, messaged me that, remember, we were playing that clip and I go on the last episode. They come, yes. And they were like, dude, you guys played it five months ago.

And Christina was like, well, no. We've definitely never played that. I'm just, I've got other concerns. Wait, wait. Okay. But seriously, when's the last time we had it together? I'll tell you what. I'll tell you together.

I don't know, but I do know that I have multiple memories of suggesting Indian food and you shutting it down. Being like, we're going to get diarrhea. We're going to get diarrhea. Especially when we lived on the east side, every time I would suggest Indian food, you would always be like, we're going to get sick. We're going to get diarrhea. I don't want to do that.

And you had bad memories of going to one and there was a rat at one or something. Yeah. That dad used to drag us to all these fucking dirty Indian places growing up. I just didn't like, because I had enough. You know what I mean? I'm not. I'm not. I smell like fucking saffron.

I'm just saying I like their food. 14 years. Okay. I was already in today. Okay. I'm in. I like that tandoori chicken. I'm in.

I'm totally in. No. Cause I worked at the electric Lotus in Los Feliz. I worked at an Indian restaurant and that shit was nasty as hell. Okay. So see, I wasn't, I'm not off. You didn't like it. Do you used to keep the mango chutney and like just a bin and filthy bin?

Everyone put their fucking hands in it. In their defense. A lot of different genres of food have shitty restaurants. They all do. Everybody. No, Americans. Disgusting. Why don't we, why don't we look up a good Indian food area?

I'd like to do that. And I, yeah. No. That's Chinese. That's Chinese. That's Chinese. Rob. Rob.

Rob. You think this is real? Buddy. Buddy. No. What? What? What are you, come here.

What? What are you doing? Nothing. What do you mean nothing? I found something. What? No, that's not real. It's bad acting, right?

Yeah. Someone sent that in. We, we played this already. No, we played it without playing it on the show. Played it to each other. Oh. See? Oh my God.

Someone's not the memory champ. Look. You will, you would concede that point. I'm not the memory champ. You want to know why? Why? A, I'm growing a human life inside of me. That takes up a lot of my resources.

B, I take care of a fucking two year olds. I'm responsible for a lot of his life as you are as well. Two dogs, a husband, myself. It's a lot. A lot of plates to juggle. Career, podcasting. All right. Netflix watching.

I don't have a real estate in here anymore. Can you read that email? Yeah. Miss gendered cat. Miss gendering cat. Hey dog cunts. Just recently a friend of mine got a kitten from a coworker and it was informed by her that it was female.

Apparently she's retarded because upon further inspection, it was discovered that the kitten is actually a male. You mommies know as well as I do that biological sex is a myth and gender is a spectrum. So this is okay. Despite the fact that the Sims are feeling in question is called smoky, which is gender neutral. We still have a problem because we were under the impression this kitten is female. We have been misgendering at the whole time.

Have we unknowingly created permanent trauma in Sims short life? Is there a chance the kitten actually identifies as female, therefore making us correct? Are we driving the kid into suicide with our transphobia? The consequences of our bigotry are endless. Even worse, there is the possibility that the kitten identifies with its male biology, which would make it a privileged cisgendered male piece of shit that we would promptly have to bring to the vet to be put down anyway. What's her name?

I've got to go get fucked by a couple of hot black guys who just got out of prison. Thanks for all you do mommies and congratulations on baby jeans 2.0, which I hope you give a non-binary name. Beat me, pass on me, try it out. Adam from Maine. Wow. What a... Beat me, try it out.

What a... What a conundrum. Very well written email. Yeah. And I think... I think you guys really did make a huge mistake. Everyone involved. At this point, I would say I would let that cat just into the wilderness.

Well, it's got so traumatized. Yeah, it's not worth... I mean, there's a certain point like you can't help someone and you can't help something. I mean, as a therapist, you could take the cat to... There are animal therapists and professional, you know, cuddlers and those that can speak to animals on a level that most of us can't. What is it? What is the animal?

What's it called? Psychic? I can animal psychic. Yeah, they can probably communicate with this animal. I'm sure if they do communicate, they're going to say things like, I didn't think it was funny. Great. I want to get the hell out of Maine and get over to Vermont where it's more of my speed,

more of my type are there. And Smokey, isn't that a racial slur as well? So not only have we misgendered this poor cat, we've also given it a racist name. So hello, racial problems and gender problems. Yeah. Yeah. So this is... This is a very problematic cat.

I think, you know, what I would do maybe at this point, first of all, is I would 100%, I would assume that the cat liked being addressed as a female and I would go back to treating it like a female. Why? But it's genitalia is... Male. Yeah. Because it was obviously the cat knew that it wanted to be a female.

And that's why the original owner was like it's a female. The owner probably knows something about that cat. So by you treating it as a male, you're being super disrespectful probably to the cat's wishes. I don't know. I mean, but the good news is, is that Smokey's kind of a gender neutral name. Shred up. So they may have salvaged its gender crisis, gender identity crisis.

And by the way, cats don't share the same gender orientations that humans do. There's a whole different spectrum. I'm sure of cat genders aren't there. I think what's obvious is that although this cat has male genitalia, it's a female at heart. So I think you should be treating it as such. Okay. Well, I think you're assuming it's genitalia.

I think you're assuming it's pronoun. Does swallowing come make me a cannibal? As a cum connoisseur, I woke up this morning smelling like dicks and I was wondering, is there a millions of potential humans in sperm? When you swallow all that cum, does that make you a cannibal? Hmm. It certainly messes with my chances of being vegan. I'm sure asking my mom, he's giving me the best chance of getting a well-analyzed answer

to my question. In Jesus's name, Lisa the ball hog, well, Lisa sounds like a real angel. What do you think, Jean? Well, human life doesn't start a sperm without egg. So, you know, because all those right-to-life or folks don't get upset when you just spill jizz on the floor. So you can vagina. Yeah.

They get upset when you kill a baby, a person. So I don't think it's cannibalism per se. It's maybe partial cannibalism. To eat it? It's not, it's not yet a human is what I'm trying to get at. But it isn't a product created from another animal. You know, the only loophole in this... But she's not asking if she's vegan.

She's asking is it cannibalism, and cannibalism implies eating another human, right? Right. It's not a human yet, it's just a sperm. It's part of a human. It's part of a human. Right. But... I mean, she's on her way.

No. I want to say no. I think you're safe. You can drink as much jizz as you want. All right. So don't worry about it. Wow. Wow.

Keep drinking all of it. I'm not... I'm not on board with Christina on this one for sure. Seriously? Yeah. Well, what are you trying to say? That it is cannibalism? I think you're pretty much on your way.

Oh, jeez. I think it's... I think it's something you... If I were you, I would throw in the towel on that and try to try to make it right with your life right now. Okay. You know? We do need to think of some non-binary names for our future son.

What do you mean, son? Idiot. For our future zims, or what are some good non-gender neutral names? Casey? Casey's a good one. Pat, obviously. Chris? Chris goes both ways.

Very neutral. We have to think of a lot of these. Diamond. Diamond. Yeah. They have diamonds pretty female. I don't think so. I'm thinking.

I don't think so. I know a lot of cool guys named Diamond. Shit. Speaking of jizz and all that, this is interesting. We featured this guy a few weeks ago and he has a new bit of information he wanted to share. Remember him? No.

I know him straight. You know what I'm saying? The other day when I got a hug from my chick, I had a boner afterwards. A boner? It came in my pants, literally pre-came in my pants a couple minutes after that boner and then it went away. Okay. That's why he knows he's straight.

Oh, okay. I tend to think if you haven't had sex in a long ass fucking time, and some female just gives you a hug, and it gives you a boner, and then you pre-come your pants afterwards, I tend to think that you're straight. I don't know. I don't know that it was that big of a deal. I think he's, it's almost like he's trying to prove that he's straight. He's probably getting a lot of comments like you look like a fat.

Oh, so that's where it's coming from. Well, goth guys get a lot of that stuff. You're gay. Yeah, usually at your home all your stupid hair and your stupid black things and your dog collar and all that. So he's proving that he's not by telling you that he almost came in his pants just by getting a hug from his mom. Come hug.

He's trying to say he invented the come hug. He's saying he's the come hugger. Yeah. I do like his theory about inhaling the fart though. Yeah. That's the same guy who said that if you, if he farts at work, he tries to sniff it all up so nobody else can smell it. And I swear I've had the same exact thought too.

I can't, I can't lie and say that I haven't. That you can sniff it all up? Yeah. Like if I inhale deeply right now, maybe I can save it like the people won't smell it. I've had the exact same stupid thought. But then I go, oh, that's stupid. That's not possible. Yeah.

I have come all over my face. I have come all over my face. I have some dad shoes on. Oh, tell me about it. I'll show you. You got these for me. Can you guys see them? Can you see those?

Yeah. They're so daddy shoes. They're like, they're Adidas, but they don't, I mean, they don't look sexy. I feel like I look like a total dad boner, but they're so good. It's like walking on boats. Yeah. They feel really nice and they're slip on, which I'm a huge fan of. They're, they're fantastic.

Right. They're really nice. By the way, I wanted, I wanted to mention this before. Oh yeah. This is an honor of, of you really. I mean, Oh boy. No, no, no, no, this is never, it's never positive honor.

You know, This is good. You're going to like it. Okay. This guy. Yeah. He wrote in Christina made me realize current map of the United States is inaccurate. And so he worked on this and we liked it so much that we decided we're going to do it.

We're going to put it in our store. Oh, this, I love this. Yeah. You're right. This is my favorite. It's in our store now. It is a map of the United States. Yeah.

Yeah. And a shirt has that says not Los Angeles everywhere and then Los Angeles. Where Los Angeles is. Looks right to me. Yep. This is how I see America. I love the shirt though. It is great.

If you want to rep LA, it is a really cool shirt. He wrote my C cup slut girlfriend, her brother and I all went to Des Moines. We had a great time. One could say that whatever, whatever. It was great meeting you. Anyways, piss on me, beat me. Yeah. Caleb Benna sent this.

I gotta tell you, this is probably one of my favorites. Yeah. It's really good. I absolutely love this shirt. I can't wait to wear it. I think it's so fun. So it's in the store now. If you want to order one.

Angelenos. It's a good, it's a good LA West Coast. Not LA. There's not LA and then there's LA. Shit. That's really funny. So thanks Caleb. And thanks for a lot of people like the mugs.

A couple mugs are in the store now. Some, excuse me, signed items and shirts. Go ahead. Try it out. I think that's it, Jean. Anything else? No, I love you. Here is, what is this?

Trash Boy by Nick C. Thanks guys. And we'll see you next week. Big boy. Yeah. Yeah. Big. That's my trash.

No, you didn't. You want to go see what you love? I left the carpet in you. Yeah. You were supposed to pick up. No. Four bags. Yeah.

Oh, we were in so much. The last week I picked up more. You went to your mom. Yeah. She's on her way here. You think you get to decide what you pick up. No. But it is.

But it is. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You leave all those bags. Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's the best lineup? Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Yeah. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.