Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 438-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 7, 2018

J-J-J-Jean Unit! We found some adult stars who share some pretty gnarly stories about working in their industry and shooting their "Scenes."  PLUS Tommy gives us the scoop on his "Scenes." Will he shoot DP's? Boy/girl? Boy/Boy/Girl? We get into all the details of his dream coming true.  AND we go further into Love After LockUp. One of the greatest terrible shows of all time.  AND just when we thought a listener prank call couldn't be topped, a new Gold Standard is set in this episode. It's totally AMAZE.   

So this literally just happened as I was about to upload the episode. So I had to tack it on here. Atlanta, I am coming to do a show. April 8th at the Tabernacle. The presale starts this Thursday, March 8th at 10 a.m. Local time, the password is Encore, E-N-C-O-R-E. I had no say in that, they just assigned it to me. The password is Encore, E-N-C-O-R-E.

And then the general on sale happens Friday, March 9th at 10 a.m. Local time, again I am coming to the Tabernacle in the great city of Atlanta, Georgia on April the 8th. Music Dean. I like this one. It's another old school one. Yeah, right?

This is back in the day. Oh, this is, yeah. It's a Silver Lake Jam, maybe? I mean, here's how old this is. It's on the same page that I have that guy. Yeah, okay, that was Redondo, I think. No, I might be a Silver Lake Jam. Might be.

Yeah, Silver Lake. Holy shit. On the same page. Yeah, you know what I'm saying, mutual homing. All that's on that page. Fuck with my ass. Ah, there he is. Classics.

There he is. Um, Dean, where are you going to be? Oh man, March 30th and 31st. Here I am, Comedy Club in Portland, Oregon. Tickets are moving super, super quick, so get them now. And then April 29th, one show only, one night. In San Francisco, Manfredisco, California. So snatch those tickets up.

And then May 4th, the rec room at Glow Zone, Huntington Beach, California. I can't say that club with a straight name, but for straight face. What is it? The rec room at Glow Zone. Oh yeah. Huntington Beach, but I hear it's a maze. May 4th.

And then May 9th, Oxnard, California, Levity Live at Oxnard, I think is how you pronounce that. Yeah. So check it out. Try it out. Christina P. Online. Get your tickets. Thank you.

How about you, Gene Jaggett? Holla at me, man. Man. I am stupid. Man. I am going to be, let's see. Well Columbus, I believe is all sold out. Jesus.

I've added 12 shows in Columbus. I'm telling you in this episode all the details of this movie. Why I had to move my show from April to September. You're a movie star now. I mean, what's going on? Okay. That's for, what's it called? Start like teddies.

That's why Australia has been canceled, but I'm looking for a new date. But there's shows on sale in Spokane. So rude. Sperm Cam. Sperm Cam, Washington. Charlotte, North Cacalaca. Mama, huh? Nebraska.

No, it's Omaha. Omaha. Omaha, Nebraska. What's Brea? I got Brea. Brea. Brea. It sounds like vomit.

Brea. Yeah, it does. Take a Brea. Brea. Looks like there's some tickets for sale still. The third show in New Orleans in September nailed it nailed it. So that's that. Hi, I'm Peyton Lafferty.

And I'm a ball hog. Ball hog. I'm gonna suck your balls through your ass. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna suck your balls. I'm gonna suck your balls through your ass. Sniff my balls. Get your nose in there. Oh, fuck.

Get your nose up in those balls. Where's the cum? Oh, fuck. Hi, I'm Peyton Lafferty. Hi, I'm Peyton Lafferty. And I'm a ball hog. They just go crazy on the balls. Where's the cum?

Oh, fuck. I'm Peyton Lafferty. And I'm a ball hog. I'm Peyton Lafferty. And I'm a ball hog. Sniff my balls. Get your nose in there. I do a ball scene for like $1,500.

And I do the eyelash on the balls. And I put my feet on the balls. Like, I'd be the ball queen. Which one of you dumb hookers out there was sucking my balls? Sniff my balls. Sniff my balls. Oh, fuck.

Get your nose up in those balls. DJ Boy Butter, who always does a good job, sent that one in. As always, we're open to getting your e-mail. Your questions, your comments, your music, your instrumentals, your songs, your mashups, whatever it may be, your mom's podcast at gmail.com. There's no house in the e-mail address.

It's your mom's podcast. They're all taken. Your mom's podcast at gmail.com. Thank you very much, DJ Boy Butter. Gene, there's a lot of exciting things to talk about. So many things. How are you feeling? I'm good, man.

Just making a person. Same shit different toilet. What about you? You're kind of a big deal now. I mean, am I even allowed to share the same air as you? What are you talking about? Well, I mean, do you want to make the big announcement? Well, I think we, I kind of did it on the,

see, I know people, some people skip the beginning. What? Yeah, I know. We do our dates. That's terrible. And we do our shingma shit or shawls. What? Huh?

The dates and the ads. Those are very important messages. I know. You guys should not be skipping. Jeez. So we do that pre-roll. And I mentioned it in the pre-roll last week. But this week, I can get into it more.

Why don't I do it after the break here? After we officially open. So that's it. Let's just get the show opened and I'll tell you all about it. All right, Gene? Are you a ball hog? I'm a hundred percent a ball hog. Let's party.

Let's have some fun. Payton Lafferty? Not that good, but I'm, I'm all right. Let's do it. Okay. My first gang bang, I didn't know like you're supposed to empty the saline out of the enema things. So it like really did the laxative effect and I just like volcano shit like all over

everybody. And it was like the worst and like I was crying in the bathroom. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Yo mama in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura. Don Segura. And Christina Pajitse. Christina Pajitse. Welcome to your mom's house. You know what I'm saying? So she's saying the first anal scene.

The first that she ever did was a gang bang. That's all it's her first anal ever. She's really cute. I think she's really cute. Yeah. She's very young to do her first anal gang bang. I mean, she may not be 20 years old. So I guess this is a video blue band sent this of supposed to be embarrassing moments for

people. Wait, but hold on. Can we discuss what she said? Sartre. Sartre. Like John Paul. She must be related to the famous French philosopher. I mean, maybe they have similar philosophies.

Similar, I think is how you pronounce that. Similar. We learned that. Similar. We learned from love at the lock up. Similar. Sartre. What was John Paul's thoughts?

What was he most known for? Okay. He's only my favorite French existentialist philosopher. He believed that existence is before precedes essence versus essence precedes existence, which is what the common thought forms was before. Your, uh, your nature was determined for you and he said, no, that's not true. You can be whoever, whatever you want to be, not essentially more or less. That's a very reductive, but that reductive choice is very important to him and God doesn't

exist and all that good stuff. So then this is totally in line with her grandad's philosophy. No, no, this is exactly a mirror of that philosophy. Yeah. She made a choice. She made a choice to do gang bang anal and she didn't know how to use the enema. Right. So she's saying that she, there's, I don't, I've never enemaed myself before.

God, what are you fucking new? Have you? Of course. Really? I shoot scenes all the time. I see. Yeah. Well, we'll get into that, but, but there's, I'm assuming there is saline and then she's

saying she didn't. Let's hear it again. I'm not sure I understand what the problem was. Let's hear it again. Okay. My first gang bang, I didn't know. I had a lot of upspeak. Like you're supposed to empty the saline out of the enema things.

Okay. So it like really did the laxative effect and I just like volcanoed shit like all over everybody. And it was like the worst and like I was crying in the bathroom. They're crying in the bathroom. I am more affected by her upspeak and her vocal fry than the actual shit. The content. Yeah.

I don't care. But I'm assuming there's like saline. You're not supposed to put all of it up your ass and she, she did more than she should have. Well, what I understood from what she, just the way that she explains that is that that saline is not supposed to go up there at all. That's what it sounds like. Oh, so then why are they put it in the enema?

Well, okay. My first gang bang, I didn't know like you're supposed to empty the saline out of the enema things. See, out of the enema things. So you're not supposed to put it in yourself. Maybe the saline keeps the enema, you know, fresh, yeah, or clean, smelling like roses. I don't know. In other words, that's how you know it's fresh.

Yeah. You empty it and then you use it. So she, she put the saline in herself. That's how I, that's what I'm assuming. Yeah. I'm assuming she, I'm assuming you're not supposed to put the saline in your butt and she did. And she did.

And then she did a lot. Now here's the thing though, from what I understand of the enemas is that it's pretty instantaneous. Like you, we've seen people give themselves enemas, the coffee lady, remember? You put it up their ass. She was like, I'm seeing the light. And you kind of wait like five minutes and then you just shit everything out. So why the time delay?

That's interesting. I don't know. I wouldn't understand enemas more. I need to know more about this enema. And you could ask Charlotte and maybe she would explain to us, that's a, I don't know, she seems like a nice lady. I like her. I feel bad for her, you know, that that happened.

Well, she seems also like she's over it. She's like, that was the first time. Yeah. But now she's done lots of anal gangbangs and lots of enemas and she's probably pro. It's sort of like when you're an open miker is what I assume the story is like, you know, you're like, ah, I didn't know when I was supposed to go on stage and a blue light. Yeah. And I didn't know that meant that I'm ruining the show for everybody.

I love those knuckle tats. I really do. And I'm not saying that facetiously. I know. I know. You've talked about it for a long time. Yeah. I really like them.

I don't see you with them. I don't. I don't see them on me either. But you haven't talked about a tattoo. You've been wanting to do the forearm thing. No, I know. But then it's not me. It's like, we were talking about a guy.

The person you think you are. It's a person I'd like to be. Versus who you are. Yeah. I like that. I feel like that, too, with clothes. I'll be like, that looks cool. On somebody else.

On somebody else. Yeah. No, it's not me. It's not my style. I can't. Look how cool she is. She's got the cool hair and the cool glasses. I'm just not.

Choker. Is that what it's called? Yeah, dude. She's cool. I'm not fucking cool. I don't know. I can't do gang bang anal. Would you do gang bang anal on your first anal?

I thought that's a very, what's the word I'm looking for, ambitious, no? It's very ambitious. And we don't recommend it when we shoot scenes. We recommend a one-on-one for, I mean, for my production house. B-B-B-G-G, G-G-B-B-B-B-D-D-S-S. Yeah, she did a B-B-B-B-B-G anal. That's a lot. So every guy goes in her butt hole, that's what that means.

I don't know. Yeah, I think so. Gang bang anal. Yeah, I think that's what that means. All you guys are going to get in that butt. How much money do you think she got for that? A couple grand. That's it.

I think so. I wonder how they rate that. Like, is there, there's a flat rate just for the anal. It's probably like, hey, do you want to shoot the scene? It normally pays a thousand, but if you do anal, it's 1,500, and then she's like, whoa. And then they're like, hey, if you let like eight guys get in there and do like two grand. But that's what I'm saying. So let's say the baseline's 1,500, you're doing anal, right?

And then, so the anal is like a flat rate of 1,000. I think anal is more than that. 1,500. And then the agent goes, but for every additional guy, that's like $100 more. So on her head, she's doing that hooker math of like, well, the hooker math is this is probably like, hey, that's not that much. And then he's like, you're already letting a guy fuck you in the butt. Yeah.

Why not let seven more? So like there's a few more there, but it's just extends the scene by like 30 minutes. And she's like, yeah, all right, you know, that agent said, do you want to add a Sunday show? Yeah. You're already there. I know. That's what our agent does.

Yeah. You're already there. You may as well let seven more guys come in your butt. What's the big deal? It's surely true. Yeah. And there's not a lot of differences between porn and comedy. Of course not.

Of course not. I totally, I totally get it. Well, it's like when they tell me they go, do you want to add a Thursday show? I'm already there on Thursday. You're already there. You're already making your money and you get greedy. You see the dollar signs. You know it's one more dick in your ass.

I know. It's another dick. It's another dick, but it's so worth it. Like you're already lubed up. Just fucking do the scene, man. Do the scene. It still makes me laugh that we call porno movies, like they're scenes. I know.

Because what? I have to work tomorrow. Right. Like it's not. Okay, then we should call them different things because people that make legit movies, they shoot scenes. Yeah. These are scenes too.

But they're different. I know. I know. They are very different. Not that I'm judging. I'm very, I like pornography. I'm very pro. I'm pro porn too.

Pro pornography and people making a living however they have to, but it's funny that it's called. Yeah. It's not a scene. Yeah. And they're acting. They kind of are. It's performative.

Definitely. Yeah, that's true. It's not like regular amateurs laying around having sex. No, it's hard. She just took. Yeah. How many dicks in her butt? We don't know that.

We just know it was an anal gang bang. Poof. Here's another. That's got to be so painful. Want to hear another war story? Love to. I love the shit. No, I can't think of like an embarrassing.

Don't get embarrassed. Like I'm not afraid to like act like an idiot at the time, you know, like if you're doing anal, maybe some poop might come out, you know, if you're, you know, sucking some dick and you're doing it a little bit too, too, too much, you know, you may throw up over the cock. It's the number of things, but you just kind of like, hey, whatever, wipe and go. Now that would really, that would not be fun for you. That's definitely not for me.

No, I'm, I'm, I'm in a metaphor that would not, but I kind of get it. Like, you know, especially after having given birth once already, I don't do it. Like today we went for an ultrasound and the nurse was like, I'll leave the room so you can take your pants off and I, no need, I don't fucking care. You're going to look at my vagin two seconds. I think the more kids people have to the less they care about modesty. Dude, are you kidding me? My body's a fucking dog shit.

Me too. I'm always like, I'm old now. You can look. Doesn't matter. I don't care who sees it. Right. Nothing good here. It's your problem.

Look at this pile of shit. Go for it. Yeah. I look like I've had multiple kids. Your body looks better now than it ever has. What are you talking about? I feel like it looks like I've had triplets. You look better now than you did when we first started dating.

You look fantastic. No, not then we first started dating. We first got married. Not when we first started dating. Yes. You look, you look just like you did when we first started dating. No. You're skinny.

You're fit. You look great. Please. What are you talking about, Peyton? Give yourself some. My body's all stretched out and fucked up. I think I would be bothered more by the shit if I was the guy doing the scene. By brown?

By brown and puke. I mean, personally. I mean, I'm not in a metaphor. I mean, I know because vomit smells horrible. I hate vomit. But shit would be like a real, like, I don't know. I'm trying to think what could I recover from more quickly as far as- Shit.

Any day. I don't know. A stranger shit is tough. I could see some version of being excited by the vomit occurring because of my pee-pee down her mouth. Oh, right. Sure. So I'd be like, that's pretty cool.

I did that. I did that. But the poop, I'd be like. And it's a stranger shit. It's not like your beloved's- No, I know. Because if I pooped on you- This is some meth I don't shit that put too much saline in it before the scene shot.

Because if I shit on you, would you even be phased? No. Nothing. Nothing about you would phase me. Yeah. Nothing. Same. I mean, I don't know.

It would feel weird to be all warm. Like, I always picture the temperature of something like that. It's warm. Yeah. Like a hot turd. They're both warm. The puke and the shit. Yeah.

I don't like that. But the shit would be a little extra hot, I think. There's more weight to it. Yeah. The puke's harder to clean up. Almost tapping out of our own show. The turd you could just kind of pick up unless it's diarrhea. You gotta wash.

You gotta shower. Of course you have to shower. In both cases. Yeah. This guy's pretty funny. This guy's not here. Okay. You know what is sometimes embarrassing?

Is this my dad? Yeah. When you come to a porn set, you know, like you come in and you think you don't know the girl. The girl? You know, it's like, hey, very nice to meet you. My name is Nick. Traderman.

Austrian. And then the girl says, you don't remember. You did my first boy girl scene. Boy girl scene. Most of the time after when the girl says like, you remember, then, you know, like everything starts working in the brain. And then you kind of like look back 500, 625 and a half scenes and then somehow it comes to slowly blur it back and then there is a moment and you're like, all right, I remember.

It could totally be your dad's story about any number of people you met. Well, of course. I'm thinking more of his accent, but yeah, of course, yeah. No, his accent, but he could have the same story. He could be like, nice to meet you. Yeah, I've never. And then she'd be like, excuse me. You don't remember me?

No, easily. I once asked him. Oh, right. Yes. Miami Beach. Yeah. I once asked my dad, how many women do you think you've slept with? And he said, not enough.

It's a great answer. It is a funny answer, but clearly easily. I mean, yeah. Now, I don't think my dad ever did it for a living, but... This guy legit has this happen all the time. Yeah. You realize that? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's weird, right? And you're like, I had sex with you. I ejaculated inside of you. I think I did. I think I remember you. You know what's interesting, too, is that they call it boy, girl, girl, boy. Instead of male, female, or woman, or man, it's also very infantilized in a weird way.

I never thought of that. That's true. Right? Like, it's a... It's black girl. You can hear the... They're pretty good porno voice. The dumb slut.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like, black girl, black girl. It can hear her damage talking. That's like, black girl. Yeah, yeah. There she is. Give me my reward.

There she is. I had to do the cream pie scene. It was, like, one of my first scenes in the industry, and I was totally fine. The whole scene, and we go to do the final shot, and it's a cream pie, so he's pulling out of me, and instead of a cream pie, it was a period pie. Oh, no. Damn. It was a strawberry shortcake.

Yeah. Damn. These girls go varsity on their first scenes. That's what I'm saying. She's like, it's one of my first scenes. You think they'd like... But she might have made that extra 40 bucks, because you get the extra 100. Right, the agent.

It's the agent, is that it? Yeah, the agent's like, you just go by the morning after, you got 40 bucks in your pocket now. That's 40 bucks in my pocket. Yeah. That sucks, dude. Buy two tickets to the movies and get Coke and a fucking popcorn. And you know they weren't thrilled.

You know that the set, the director, was not sympathetic, and like, you should fucking ruin the scene. That's the part that actually makes me sad, because the story is kind of like, I empathize with how embarrassing that would be for her, but you're right, they'd be like, great, now we're going to fucking have a cream pie. Is that the whole point? Yeah. She's like, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. How long does this period shit last with you? God. I remember Jules Ventura when she was in here, we asked her how she deals with the period stuff, and she said they put a sponge up there, just for people who are curious that, yeah, they just put a sponge, and then you can work when you're still having your period. I didn't realize that you actually did some porn, because it looks like you're here talking about this one.

I was probably trying to be sexy for some social media thing, and passing gas on the camera, trying to be funny, and sexy, like, oh, twerk for me real quick, and I let one loose. And then the thing is, it was almost like live stream, so it couldn't even be taken down, it was just on there. Oh, shit. That's hilarious. So farting.

Farting, Gene. Oh, jeez. That would definitely be your story. You'd be like, oh, I farted a bunch. Yeah, but here's the thing, that would be my whole genre. Yeah, they'd be like, you're the fart person. I'm the fart mistress. I wouldn't even fuck with it.

I wouldn't do any of the anal or any cream pie. I would fart. All farts? Fart in. Fart in. Just a fart in video. You can never find that drop when I'm lying. That's the easiest one to do, is the fart stuff.

Are you kidding me? Fart in. It's already my lane. Yeah, I know. Where is that? Fart in. God damn it, I can never find it. Fart in.

F-A-R-T. All right, so we should probably tell them, right? Can you talk about your boy girl? My boy girl. So this is what happened. I mentioned it in the last pre-roll, and I said I would get it. I didn't want to do it in that pre-roll because that was after we had shot the video and recorded the episode, and then you would have only some audio of it and not on the video.

It didn't make sense. I had to move my Salt Lake City shows. Like, Charlie Titty. Charlie Titty shows. And I had to cancel Australia even though I'm looking for dates to come back. It's a little more complicated when you go abroad. I'm so far away, monster. Yeah, but the reason why is because I booked a role in a major motion picture movie.

Where's the chips in a bowl? Where's the fucking cat eating kibble? You didn't even prepare. This is a big announcement. I know. Well, you know, sometimes you don't get things right. Your first scenes. You're doing your scenes.

Where's the cat eating kibble? I don't have that one. But I'm really excited about it, actually. Of course you are. It's your first boy-girl scene that you've ever done. Here's what I was thinking for people that don't know. If you had asked me just over 16 years ago when I got here, if you'd asked me, what do you think you'll probably end up doing?

Do you think you'll be working, making a living as a stand-up comedian, or as an actor in shows and movies? I'd be like, 100% as an actor. There's no way I'm doing stand-up. That's what I would have thought if you'd asked me. I can take my mind back to that time. Well, because that's what you really wanted. I met you shortly after you landed here in LA.

And that was like your thing. You were an actor. You were in a play. You were doing classes. Isn't it interesting, though, how life kind of gives you a detour? And I remember a lot of people do this when they come out here. They sign up for one of the I.O., it's UCB. Improv Olympics.

Yeah, Improv Olympics. The groundlings. And then what's the Chicago-based one? Second City. Second City. So when I moved out here, I looked up. I saw that Will Ferrell and a couple other people were from the groundlings. And I was like, that's where I'm going to go.

Yeah, I did that one, too. So I went to the groundlings. I tested and I got to skip a level. And then I did a series with them. And then I did level two with them. And then you go to this thing called Writing Lab. But you have to wait for it. They call you when it's about writing.

I remember when you got that. And when they called me, I had just started making $50 a set MCing. Like getting paid to do shows. And I was a couple of years into stand-up. I remember even though I wanted to take it, I go, it was kind of that thing that you go, do I go do that? Or do I put more into the thing that's already kind of starting to work for me? Right.

And I thought, you know, if I go do that, it's going to take away from the stand-up thing that it's not just that I'm making money doing it. It's that I'm enjoying doing it. I'm working at it now. And so I passed on it. And they go, we'll only call you one more time to see if you want to do it the next time. And I said, okay. They called again.

I passed again. And then it was like, Hey, I'm, I'm doing stand-up full, you know, full throttle. And then I did, you know, I did a number of auditions for different things, you know, and I booked that huge subway campaign. Which if we, if you've never heard this, I mean, it was pretty nutty that at one point you were going to play Jared's derelict brother. Yeah. Like a, this would have been, you know, that, that flow from the progressive.

Progressive. She's made a fortune being flow. The way that this was presented to me. They're like, you are going to be the, you know, the counter to Jared on subway. And if this, these ads work out, it's just going to run all the time. It'll be your life now. I remember when you got that and you and I were like, Oh my God, you're going to be a millionaire. Oh yeah.

This is crazy. This is crazy. I was 25. I know. That's how long ago that was. I know. 2005. And I flew to New York.

I mean, there are commercials somewhere. Yes. Somebody has these and you know, I don't know. I've never gotten ahold of them, but they just never aired. And the reason they aired was fate that my agent didn't even know. You know who I think notified me. I want to say it was Larson and I want to say because he read something. What happened was unrelated to the campaign that had nothing to do with the campaign.

The VP of marketing at subway resigned. He resigned and this is a common thing in any business practice. He resigned because he was of age. He was 60 something years old. A new VP is hired. So the new VP of marketing, what they do is you kill all the other guys' ideas for two reasons. If they're bad and they don't work out, they'd be like, the fuck did you keep that for?

Right? You should. Yeah. You're basically crediting your predecessor. You know what I mean? So you don't want... It's like in the wild when a lion takes over a family. That's right.

He kills all the young of the lioness and then reproduces and may have their own babies. And that's a very common practice in major corporate. In business. Isn't that evil? Good lord. I didn't even get to see if they worked out. I just got the call that the campaign was dead. And I was heartbroken mostly because I was like, this was going to be a huge jump, a

big platform for me to get on and be funny. The commercials were funny. They're corporate commercials. They were funny ads. And I remember you had to memorize that song by rat round and round. That's right. Remember that? Yeah.

They licensed that song. They had to be driving up and singing that and then I crashed my car into this thing at a park. Yeah. You were like Jared's fuck up brother. And then you... The idea was, for people, some of you may have heard it, but if you haven't heard it, the reason was Jared could only push healthy subs.

And they're like, we need to be able to advertise unhealthy subs. Shut up. And they're like, you could do that time. Oh my God. So while Jared would say... That's hilarious. Get a turkey sub. It's healthy.

I go, dude, chicken parm's not bad either. That's right. And then that would be the ad. That's right. Like the slovenly brother that could plug all the unhealthy. In addition to the downside of being just the subway ad guy, of course I have the added benefit that if that had worked out, I would now be associated with a convicted child pornographer who's serving major prison times.

That and I think it would have affected your stand-up material because it's a major corporation and you would not be making the jokes that you'd make on these last specials in a way. Or the worst thing would be, I could do stand-up, but everyone would be like, tell us to eat fresh. Or like, do the fucking line from the commercial. And I'd be like, all right. And then I'd have subs kind of carted out to the stage and I'd be making jokes about food.

It would be fucking terrible. Because on the one hand, it's kind of a gilded, it's a gilded cage. Like the girl that does flow, the progressive girl, she was like an improv actress, I remember. She's great. She's really great. And she does a great job at those ads. But I'm saying that you're kind of locked in as an identity. Like that's it.

She's flow forever. And at least in our business, it's very hard to get out of that type of casting. It's hard to get out of. But the upside is that she has probably great security. Millions. And she's got it made. She's got it made. But it'd be very hard to do anything else creatively, I think, for her.

So there's that. That goes down. I do a couple other commercials. I did a Domino's ESPN one. You did Domino's? They partnered up. Yeah. Then I did a couple other commercials.

I can't remember. Oh, I remember you did. Yes. With Kathy. Yeah. Right. And then, no, that wasn't with Kat. You did a sitcom.

You did Jay Morse. I did a couple of things on him. And then like I booked, try to think of the things, I booked an episode of Workaholics. Yeah. Where I had a great scene that got cut out entirely. Yeah. And that was going to be like my, all right, like I booked a great scene. I booked a scene on, what was it, Pushing Up Daisy's, the ABC show, where it wasn't,

I had one scene with, let's say, five or six lines and they cut it down to one word. Right. So all these things where you're like, Jesus Christ. And by the way, as that's happening, I'm moving further along in stand-up. Of course. So I'm like, I kind of just see it as like this side thing where I'm like, you know, I really wish this would work out, but it just is not, you know. But the point being that you've had, it's pretty ridiculous, 16 years of near misses.

Like you quite literally like you get cast in the big sitcom, but your line gets cut out. Yep. You get flown out to New York to try out for the producers to read for this movie. That's the most recent one. Right. So I don't remember if we talked about on this show. No, we did not.

But I didn't want to give away, I don't know. It's like, like, I don't say who it's for. Right. So I flew out, I tested for, I auditioned for a movie over the summer and the audition went really well. And then they flew me to New York to test. So when you test, they basically have producers in the room, like higher ups, the director. And then you're also on film with somebody who is cast in the movie.

And it's usually between you and like a handful, maybe of other people. Yeah. In this case, it was one other person. Wow. They gave me the heads up. They gave me the heads up. You were really close. Yeah.

And here's the thing. I, even though I, when I didn't get it, I was bummed. Part of you starts to go like, this kind of makes sense because here's the thing you learn about film casting, almost all the financiers in film go look at things like, well, what else have they done? Right. And this is like the, the screwy circle of, of this, of things not working out is that they'll go, well, actor one has never done anything.

Actor two has been in 10 movies and three television shows. And then they go, oh, well, we want it to be the proven actor. Right. So they go with actor two, which happened to me in that movie. They called me and he goes, um, the other actor was a well-known actor and he goes, they gave it to him. And I was like, yeah, they're going to give it to him every time because he's a proven entity.

Well, that's why it's so hard to break into things like sitcom or film because a lot of the first of all, a lot of sitcom actors. Nothing nutty though. Have been doing sitcom since they were four. Yeah. And they've been in the system. There's a system that kind of, you know, it's the same people over and over again. That's why you see the same five actors doing everything in the sitcom world and in the

film world. Cause you're kind of, once you're in early, you're in, you're in the system. By the way, I almost didn't go in on this audition. That's right. Oh my gosh. The one, the one that I just booked. That's the funniest thing. Oh, that's right.

I remember you were like, yeah. So for those who don't know, like when you get an audition, at first it comes in an email and it just says, you have an audition, you know, this Friday and it has all the details. It has the breakdown of the part, what it is, who's directing it, who wrote it. Sometimes it has when it'll shoot and then it has, you know, where the audition is. So it was the week, the week after my special came out and I'm doing all this press every day. It's like you're doing a TV thing.

You're doing two things of this. You're doing Conan. You're doing radio that you're going to do three podcasts. In the middle of all that, I pick up my phone and it says, you have an audition, you know, this day and I'm like, all right, I don't even, I just don't even answer. Next day I have all like three more things of press. Then I get an email. It says, can we confirm you for the audition?

And I just felt like, no, I got too much going on, which is not unusual. I pass on a lot of auditions because of our schedules. Like we have touring schedule, our kid, things in our own, you know, we have things that are going on. So most of the time I would say, I consider those things and I'll turn down auditions, you know. So this time my agent happened to call me. He never calls when I say, I can't make it to this.

And he goes, the director requested to see you for this. I really think you should try to go in. So I'm like, okay, well, give me a new day because I can't do it. Yeah. Well, the other thing that people don't know if you're not in this show is they always say like, we get you a time, here's a time and you can't, it's really hard to change that. They tell you the time and that's it.

And like you could not have a child care. You could be on the other side of town and they don't care. Not to mention for other people that don't aren't aware that sometimes you get 6 p.m., 6.30, 7 p.m., it'll say, hey, you have an audition tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. and you're like. It's a prepare. Like, I mean, I have this kid, I'm going to put him down and I mean, how am I going to be ready for that?

It's like that. It'll happen that quickly, you know. So anyways, I take the, of course, after he tells me that, I take the audition, I go on it, I thought it went really well, but that's the thing is most of the time when you audition and you think it goes well, you never even hear anything. And sometimes when you think the audition went poorly, they'll call you and be like, you have a callback. You're going back to see me like, what?

So you just never know the formula. Anyway, the director told me or gave my agent some feedback and it was like, tell him to come to my house. Now, he didn't say, tell him, he said, tell him to give him my number. And then I talked to him and he's like, do you want to work on the scene? And I was like, sure. And you're like, do I have to loofa your back in the shower? Is it a 3 a.m. kind of meeting or what's going to go on?

So no, but he was like super, I don't know. The nicest guy in this business, I think that I've ever met is this director. I went over there. We talked about the scene. We ran it a few times. How many, was it a boy girl, girl boy? It was a boy boy because it was just the two of us. Oh, it was just a boy boy.

Yeah, it was just a boy boy. And did you give yourself an enema before the scene? I took all the saline out, but I did do that just to make sure. And then it's like, hey, you know, he worked on it and then he's like, oh, you still have to go back and test. And then you still have to get approved by the, all the other producers and the studio executives apparently. That's a lot.

So nerve-wracking. Well, but I also was, I think with age, like how long have I been doing this? I was like, yeah, okay, sure. And then I was also cool with the fact that they might say, hey, you know, you, they liked you, but no. Right. Seth Rogen needs another movie. Well, anyone, you know, I just kind of was just like, yeah, that's fine.

I mean, I, I understood that it's likely not going to happen. Right. So which is kind of liberating when you know, you're like, well, I'm swinging for, you know, the back of the room here. And if it doesn't happen, it probably won't happen. And I also realized that like, you know, it's not my livelihood. Thank God. I don't rely on it to have my bills paid or anything.

You know, it's like, it's like that gala skate in the figure skating world. They've already won the medal and you can tell there's so much more relaxed when they're doing those moves in the rink. Right. It's a totally way of looking at it. Yes. You're there. You already got the, you already have your gold medal and stand up.

So, and then I, oh, then the director texted me, give me a call when you can. I'm like, motherfucker, like he's being nice, but to tell me that, you know, it's always that one. So give me a call. I'm like, um, I didn't get it. Because he was so nice. I thought he was going to be like, I just want you to know that I think you're a great job.

We love you. You're my favorite. Give him a call. And he's like, Hey man, you're doing the movie. So crazy. What? I couldn't believe it. I really was overjoyed.

Like I said, it's just something I've wanted to do for so long. So long. Jean. So the movie shoots in Atlanta, um, it's starring Mark Wahlberg. Crazy. Rose Byrne. Octavia Spencer. Uh, there's a couple of other comics in it, Tignitaro's in it, Eliza Sleshinger's in

it. Um, anyways, it's a great cast and a great script and I'm just, I can't believe that I get to do it. Now, who's your fucking movie wife? Let's talk about that. Of course. Yeah. Yeah.

Alan Rachel. She's great. And is she unattractive? Because I'd like to make sure that she's not attractive. She is attractive. Oh, yeah. She's very. Well, can we change that?

I don't think so. I mean, I could ask her to like shave her head or something like that before. Why don't you make her do the scullet? I don't know that I get that power, but I'll suggest it. I'll suggest it. Well, Jane, I'm very proud of you and I'm very happy for you. And I know you've wanted this for so long and we've had so many. Your successes on this.

And by the way, that is the net, I mean, thank you very much. And I know you know how much I've wanted to do something like this. The other thing is that the next call I get is like, what are we going to do about these dates? So now I have to move dates, you know, and it's, it's one of the ones where trust me, um, I don't like doing that, especially to people that are coming to see me. I like, I do super appreciate everybody's support in the live standup stuff. But the way that these things usually go is, you know, the movie takes, they, they own

you for the time that they shoot. That's how it's millions of dollars in production and not to me, believe me, not to Mark Walbury and to, yeah, yeah, I'm not making anything crazy on this. You know, what's so interesting? I was listening to Kathy Griffin and she was giving an interview about when she was working on a Michael Jackson video as an extra back in the eighties. And she said that Michael Jackson would just blow off going to set and he and McCulloch Culkin would go to the mall and she asked the director, Hey, how much money is he blowing

by doing that? And he goes a million dollars a day. And this is back in the eighties, by the way. So there's a lot of money that goes into these films and into music videos. It's such a huge production that that kind of becomes the priority in show business and then everything else. So look, I don't know if I'll ever book another job again. You will.

I'm just saying, I mean, it was 16 years for the first one. So I don't know if I'll ever book another job again, but I'm going into this with like the attitude of like, I want to have, enjoy this experience shooting a big movie. And I get to do, I have like, you know, some really funny lines. I get to fun character. I get to play, I'm playing Mark's brother-in-law and who's basically kind of a loud mouth. Well, don't say too much. No, no, I'm saying kind of.

That's perfect though. Dufus. For you. Are you a piece of shit scumbag? Because I feel like. No, no, no. I'm not a piece of shit scumbag. I feel like.

I mean, there's a bunch of make-out scenes. There's a bunch of shower scenes. No. Yeah. Yes, there are. No. Yes, there are. With you and your movie wife?

Yes. I don't think so. It's acting. We act. We don't. We take a shower. There's like a morning blow job and then we go, we drive over until we see our relatives. But that's just, I didn't write it.

Talk to Sean. Okay. All right. Well. I'll see my buddy. It's funny too that I'm going to see one of my old best friends, my old roommate, lives in Atlanta with his family. I'll see Justin.

That's good. That's really exciting. That's going to give a friend there an ATL. Yeah. Even Case was going to come down one weekend. Good. Yeah. It's going to be a great bar and it should be a great time, you know, well, I'm going

to miss you. I'm going to miss you too. Baby. Jesus is going to miss you. You're going to be gone for like a month. I'm a couple. Well, I'm a couple of weekends. I'm going to fly home.

Yeah. Then the couple that I'm staying, I'm actually going to try to stand up in the area. So look for an announcement of a couple shows in the, at least in the greater somewhere drivable to Atlanta. Now if you get a movie wife, do I get a temporary husband while you're gone? 100%. Yeah. Who do I get to pick?

Well, you have to audition people the same way that I auditioned. Okay. Comics only? No. I don't want them. No. It has to be comedian. I'm married to a comedian, babe.

Your, your, your scene partner is a comic actress, right? That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. We're going to have so much fun. Would you stop with that?

What? Babe. What? I've never shot these types of scenes, you know? You're seeing scenes. You're doing your scene work, Tom. Yeah. How are you going to prepare for your scenes?

Boy, girl, girl, boy, boy, boy. Now are you going to go method like Jim Carrey did in Man on the Moon? Oh yeah. Are you going to be one of those douchebags? It's like, I'm in character all the time. Don't call me Tom. My character name is Frank or whatever. It's Russ.

It's Russ. I'm Russ. Anytime someone says Tom, I'll be like, where, who are you talking to? Who are you talking to? It's Russ. God. I can't wait for you to become that kind of a movie star. Yeah.

Are you going to be, are you going to demand that people can't make eye contact with you on set? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Nobody look at me. It's in my contract. It's really, yeah. No, I'm, I'm basically, it's funny because I'm going back to, I'm an open miker of,

on the acting. The movie world. On the movie world. Yeah. So I get, I'm doing like introductory level, everything, which is great. That's fine. It's a great way to step into it. Craft services.

That means free food every day on the set. Can't beat that. It's crazy because I don't want to be all Bart on it. You know? You don't want to get Bert fat. No. Did you see him? I know.

He shot his special, which I heard was Amaze. Oh, I heard the opposite. Oh really? I heard that it went really. It was terrible. I heard it went really well. Yeah. From people in Philly.

And also you'd be surprised, but Bert himself actually said how amazing. Really? His own talent. I like him. Yeah. Not like him at all. It's as though he called over here the next morning and told us how great it was. He said it went and how's the best show of all time.

And I was like, this sounds very much like you. So modest at Bert. Honestly, this is like the best show of my life. He's so like quiet and understated about stuff. It's so weird. And then I saw pictures of him. Yeah. It was bad?

No. I mean, his body is so. No, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. Oh yeah. Because he did it shirtless for this special. He did do it another shirtless special, which is so funny that there'll be two specials of him shirtless.

Yeah. And you will just be like, which one? Like normally you'd be like, Hey, what's special? Are you talking about? And you'd be like, Oh, the one where the guy is shirtless. Yeah. Now they're gonna be like, you know how that shirtless guy, the one where he's a little less fat is the one I'm talking about.

And the neat part is that because that'll be his calling card, like Larry, the cable guy wearing a sleeveless. Dude, I hope it's the biggest special of all time just so it solidifies that he has to be sure. And at that point, if he walks around with a shirt somewhere, people are like, you're being a dick. Like just take your fucking shirt off when he does Conan, he's got to do a shirtless. And when he goes wherever, and he's going to be like 80 years old, he's got to have

to do, he's got to do a shirtless. Of course. That's who he is. And let's be honest. We're all going to, you know, we work at trying to keep these shit bodies in some type of shape. Yeah. He's going to fall off, you know, at some point in the next few years and like when

he gets really fat again, I can't wait to see him have to take this because then it's actually, here's the thing, it really is actually funnier to see him shirtless more out of shape. So. Yeah. That's kind of the whole point, right? Yeah. To see him look like shit.

I hope he doesn't get in shape. No, I hope not either. Now, Leanne Christcher started her own podcast called Wife of the Party. It's a great name. It's a great part. It's a great name. I listened to the first half of it. She's doing some special diet.

She was talking about the beach body diet. I think it's called. Bart's not doing that. Definitely not. Yes. You know, anyway, give Leanne's podcast a listen. Yeah. Yeah.

She's a friend of ours, too, but a lot of stuff going on. Yeah. A lot of stuff going on. So we wrapped up our prison show, you or me? Yeah. That was a throat thing. It was a throat come. Yeah.

We wrapped up our prison show Love After Lock Up and we're devastated because that was the seventh and final episode last night, Gene. Yeah. That was a great short run series. Yeah. I mean, we talked about it for a while, but yeah, I was sad that it came to an end, but I don't want to ruin it for people because ever since we brought it up, I got a lot of messages from people saying they're diving into it.

Oh, so let's not. Yeah. But I mean, now it's clearly, it's made, it's over at this point. You should have seen it if you're watching it. We'll know because that new episode, the last one just dropped. Right. But this episode is... Oh, we're in the future.

Right. But it's alarming. Some of it is very... Some of it is so upsetting to me, especially the one, there's a mother of three children. And just, I don't want to give it too much away, but she really fucks up her kids' lives for the chance to marry this convicted felon. It's pretty fucking amazing. Yeah.

And then I don't think there were too many surprises on that show. I was surprised. Oh, no, there is a surprise. Which one? Which one? White boy in Florida, member... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She does say it or no, you know?

No, don't, don't do it in case people haven't seen it. If you haven't seen it, I don't know. But there's definitely a couple surprises and then that's actually one where you go, like, oh, that's good that the surprise happened. Yeah. Well, what's so funny is that you and I totally flipped. Like at first we were like, these prisoners are scumbags. They're taking advantage of these innocent people.

And now we're like, these prisoners are just like nice people trying to get their lives. And these assholes on the outside are totally taking advantage of them. And like, they all get out, these guys get out and the women are like, what are we getting married? Why isn't there a big ceremony? I want to wear my dress. I want to have my bridal shower. It's like, dude, he just got out of prison.

He shell shocked. He's traumatized. He doesn't have a job. He's still having to check in with his parole officer, like every hour, you know, he can't even leave LA County. Like why are you putting demands on him that with most of them? They've been with the guy for a while and they have so little compassion, understanding and empathy for their situations.

That's the part that was the outsider. You're like, how do you not, this guy's trying to adjust after six years in prison. Why aren't you having a little more? You can't see that. Well, the Canadian guy, especially. There's a couple in Toronto and the guy is like clearly traumatized, traumatized, like looked like he may have been kidnapped and beaten. Yeah.

Yeah. He's total shell shock. Total. The life is just drained from him. He's so bummed out and she's like, I want to have our wedding. I want white horses. Can't we get our wedding? Yeah.

I want dubs. I want diamond shoes and I want it to be really special for everybody. That's my diet. The best is like, can we stop in and do some tuxedo shopping and he's like, I can't. He's like, I got out of prison yesterday. She's like, yeah. He's like, I don't really want to show up for tuxedos right now. She's like, why not?

No. She goes, don't you love me? I guess you don't love me. I guess you don't want to be my husband though. I got her. I was like, dude, what? You guys are crazy. The people that are dating these fools are crazier than the inmates to her credit.

She's the one that when they do decide to just do it quickly, she's like, you know, all I really care about is being married. Right. And she's less about, oh, I need the big thing that I actually just want to be married. Yeah. She kind of got the priority of love. Most of them don't. No.

And then there's the lady on heroin. That was awesome. Yeah. So I mean, here's from, from what I've learned about prison shows. Prison's not the place you get clean from heroin. What? From what I understand, prison's not like a Malibu rehab clinic. It's kind of where you find new supplier.

Like the drugs are still there. Yeah. Cause you're like, I don't have a lot going on. Sure. That's when you're not busy. Yeah. You should start here in prison. And I'm not.

Yeah. I'm, I kind of want to get high all the time. I know. I would be dead if I were in prison for, oh my God. Drogas. Are you kidding me? Yeah. I would be high all the time if I could be in jail.

Yeah. Dude. I just be shooting scenes and shooting heroin. At least pot. I'd try to be high on pot all day, every day if I could be. Yeah. I don't know. It's funny that, I think we talked about it, but none of those people, they all are just

sad. They just want a safe date. Yeah. A safe person. They just had their heart broken, you know, too many times. And they're like, this person in prison, they can't hurt me. Well, and what's funny too is that a lot of these prisoners are just hustling the people on the outside.

There's this great guest of this woman. So there's this one woman who, she's dating a guy in prison and she sends him $200 a month which for her, she cannot afford $200 a month to send to this guy. She's on such a tight budget that she only has $40 left at the end of every month for just like. For herself. Stuff. Yeah.

Because she's sending this, the guy who from his photo, you'd be like, oh, this is a manipulative psychopath. Total scum, fuck. And then her friend comes over. Her friend comes over who's been in prison and she goes, yeah, I used to scam like two guys at the same time. Yeah. Because you want someone to tell you, I'll take care of you.

I love you. And also to send you that money. That commissary money. Yeah. Because they want their fucking snacks and their corn nuts and their bouncy pads. Do I fucking want to orange as the new black? Dude, what about these motherfuckers that don't have anyone to do that? They just don't have shit?

I mean, that's gotta be, how's that even fair? I think, okay, so from what I know from orange as the new black, you can also work shitty prison jobs and make like 35 cents an hour and then that can go towards commissary. That dude is straight up hustling her, man. Hustling. Such hookers, dude. And then there's one fucking hooker who's hustling the sweet truck driver on the outside. That one bums me out.

The most. She's like, don't you love me? Won't you pay my legal bills? And he's like, you got caught with drugs and a phone. They're saying eight to 12 years. She's like, oh, will you wait for me? He's like, I've got your back, baby, I've got your back. He's pathetic.

He's sad. He really is. It's really sad. He's pathetic. You're ready for perhaps the greatest thing a listener has ever said to us. You've been, you talked about this at lunch before we sat down and record this. I'm so excited. I just, I didn't expect it.

And it's just, here's the email, Hey, Tom and Jean, for the last few days, I've been having a blast calling people with the Christina soundboard I made. Oh shit. I've got random people named Jean and Tom, but this might be the best one ever. Oh dear. I told a phone sex operator, my name was Bert, hope you enjoy it as much as I did making it, keeping them high and tight, Tony W. Oh my goodness.

It's just, it is a maze. A maze excite. Are you ready? I'm ready. Here we go. You've been talking about it. Hello, Bert. How are you?

This is Vivian. Hey, Vivian. How are you? Good. I mean, how are you? I'm good. All right. You might bet you are.

I'm sitting here, all sexy with my girlfriend, Christina. We're kind of jerking each other off and you know, I was hoping you can get into a little bit of scat play with her while I sit back and masturbate. Oh, I can do that, baby. Oh God. Okay. Oh no. Why does he sound like Bigfoot?

Well, he probably, he just disguised his voice a little bit. I know, but you're not ready. No. Hi, Honey. How are you? Do you have to shit? I do. You want to take my nice, warm shit, Christina?

How do you masturbate? How do you shit? I'll take a shit for you. I'll take a nice, warm shit. You got to take a shit? Take a shit, baby. Oh, yeah. Take a warm shit.

Oh, baby. Oh, yeah. I like all that hot shit. God. You want a bit of purple, too, with me? You like swatches? Oh. Nice and warm, baby.

I like that a lot. I've never shit in not a toilet. It's the first time for everything, baby. It's too hard. It is a little hard, but if you squat down, it's all right. There you go. I can do that. Good job.

Thank you. Wow. Oh, boy. It feels so good. I like you like that. Yeah. Pretty hot, isn't it? I mean, there's more, but this is so well done.

Well, talk about the first rule of improv, yes and. Yeah. This sex lady is really, yes, anding the shit out of me. She's really, yes, anding. Do you have to shit? I do, baby. You want to watch me shit?

Oh, no. Yeah. I'll take that big shit. I like that. Yeah, just watch it come out of my warm hot asshole. Play with it, baby. Just check that jack off. Yeah.

Where's Bert? Did we lose Bert? Huh? What the hell? They're making me all that warm shit. Everything is warm. It's really good. Yeah.

Quite a shit. Yeah. I mean, think about how, like if she's the one working the phone, you're like, it really is taking a shit right now. Wait, I like that he works in the, oh, oh. Yeah.

From the HSO. Yeah, that's cool. Oh my. Oh my. Well, King-ass ripper. It only smells it. And she's laughing. She likes it.

Yeah. Sick. Yeah. I mean, you really took a big shit. I really did it. Oh. And how's Bert doing? Is he jacking that cock off?

Huh? Yeah. And he had to find, like, the perfect... How did they do it? How does he do it in time? I wasn't worried. He has the sound board. So he has, you know...

Yeah, he has that. I mean, that's perfect. Oh. And how's Bert doing? Is he jacking that cock off? Huh? Yeah. That's such a throwaway, too.

Yeah. Perfect. Here we go. Hey, Hitler. Hey, Hitler. I'd rather not talk about that, sweetie. That's a little offensive. Sorry.

Wow. That's where she draws the line? She drew the line at Hitler. Wow. He said, like, hi, Hitler. Hey, Hitler. She's like, I'd rather not. Right.

You probably have, like, a nice Jewish lady working the front. Right. Well, yeah. I mean, hi, Hitler. Hey, Hitler. I'd rather not talk about that, sweetie. Sweet. That's a little offensive.

Sorry. You're right back to shitting, and she's fine with that. Right. She's fine with that, but not a little high Hitler. Well, I guess, I mean, that kind of makes sense, actually. Does it? I mean, shit is shit, but, like, you're talking about Nazi stuff. Sure, sure.

But it is funny to hear. We don't think she's had Nazi fantasies where the person's like, call me Hitler. I don't know. Maybe she doesn't work those calls. She just has a wipe. How do you wipe? You make him look it up. Oh, jeez.

How does my asshole smell? I bet it smells good, honey. What about when you marry him wrong? Mm-hmm. Sure. Yeah, it's like, I'm killing it. Pretty gross. Where's Bert?

So you're always in an orgy? Mm-hmm. Rub, rub, rub. Rub is up, tub. Three minutes up, baby. What's your pronoun? I don't know what do you want it to be, honey. What about comebeard?

Sure. That's what you like. What did you feel that? That's good, baby. Oh, no, no. I like that she's like, where's Bert? Yeah, she keeps asking for him. Yeah, she wants him to step in.

What kind of drugs are you guys doing tonight? I know what you mean, baby. If you come hug somebody without their consent? Mm-hmm. Oh, we can't do that no more today, honey. Well, now we've opened up a whole other can of biscuits. You know, I mean, nothing's allowed to be done anymore, honey. Look me in my eyes, man.

How do you decide what you do that day? Let's go. What do you feel like doing, baby? Go with the flow. Silly Nazi. Mm-hmm. Just go shit. Mm-hmm.

You like to shit, don't you? Yeah. I can tell you do. Of course. Mm-hmm. They would call her for a writing lab at the end of the day. Are you kidding me? This woman's all pro.

Yeah. How do you guys deal with feelings? Oh, fuck feelings. I'm over those. I'd love to have what you guys are smoking to tell you that much. I pee everywhere. I feel like I pee all over the earth. All over the world.

Because you do sound like a total maniac. Of course. She keeps bringing up drugs. And she's like, mm-hmm. Yeah, baby. And you're like, yeah, I got to pee everywhere. Whatever you want. Here's your goodbye.

But darling, I got to let you go. You can call back for more time if you like, OK? Bye for now. You didn't even say goodbye. Wow. That shit. You just shit. Wow.

Wow. That was really impressive. That took a lot of work. So good. Did we lose Bert? And this is great. Hey, Hillard. I'd rather not talk about that.

She really does go with the flow. The only time she pushed back on us was with the Hitler. Yeah. Which I, like I said, I mean, I just want to salute Tony. God damn, Tony. I mean, that's a lot of work, you know. Sure is. Isolated stuff, made a sound board, then made a call, then found somebody to jump and get

involved in it. It was really good. Really good job. Pretty amazed. Yeah. Pretty amazed. Wow. I have to admit, it's a little weird to hear myself talking like that to a porno

lady. I mean, whenever I lady. A phone sex operator. Yeah. She's out of old shit, by the way. You think so? She's been doing it for a minute. She's been doing it for a while.

Yeah. Smoking too. People wrote in, they said, mommy's, I was minding my business last week, hogging some balls and listening to the show when I was deeply disturbed by what I was hearing. There isn't much that gets my stomach turning, but all the asshole rerouting talk got to me. Oh, come on. This is the silly shit I come for when I get to my mommy's house next time in the spirit

of being sensitive to everyone's false personal line of decency. Just go ahead and piss on me and beat me. Your friend Peyton Lafferty. Of course, this is not from last week, but the week before, this is in reference to Johnny Pemberton discussing his colon being removed. Goodness. He had colitis and had to have his intestines rerouted and he had a colostomy bag. That is just, man.

I thought it was just medically very interesting. It was very interesting, but it was, for me, difficult to hear too. I did struggle with it. I'm just so thankful I've never had to deal with anything like that in my life. It makes me really thankful too when I was, oh fuck, just looking at him and he's like a teenager when it happens or something, right? Wasn't he like, oh, it's like 17 years old. Fuck an A, man.

I know. So unfair. Somebody asked, how much do penis weigh? I knew we were going to get here. I knew it. You know, I wanted to go there after we did boobies, you know, twigging berries. Obviously, you know, we're not talking about the same kinds of weight. It's not a lot.

I can't imagine a ton. Let's start weighing dicks. You should also consider Tom having Tom wear five pounds around his neck for a whole day. Try it out. One love. Okay. Matt from Chicago. Of course, Matt's talking about what you're walking around with on that chest of yours.

And with a baby belly. So I've got a baby of a human growing inside of you coming front-wise and then these tits. It's fucking, it's a lot, dude. You know what? Doing Pilates a second time around has really, really helped because my core strength is a lot better now. Yeah. But man, like gravity wants you to be forward, pull you forward.

It's tough. How's that baby feeling? Good. He's kicking around a lot. He's doing really well. We're 20 weeks. I'm halfway there. Just crazy.

You like to shit, don't you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you like to shit? Me? Yeah. That's all I talk about.

Yeah. I'm going to talk, if we may do a brown talk update. A brown talk update? A pregnancy brown talk. Pregnancy brown talk. All right. Next up, brown talk. Good.

Brown talk coming up. I got a fart pretty bad, I feel like. Go for it. Where's the fart, Mike? No, people are asking about that. I know. We never came through on that. Some people told me they were really disappointed.

I'm really disappointed. Yeah. We have extra mics. I'd love to have what you guys are smoking. We have extra mics laying around. I know. We have the lines. Can't we just have Blue Band put in a fart mic?

We can sit it here in the middle. And then when you've got one coming, just grab it. No, I think the fart mics need to be on the ground and near your butthole. But then that's another arm we need to build. Can't we just put one here? That's fun. And then you just grab the fart mic. That's a good idea.

It's not that hard, guys. It's not that hard. But I do think I have to pause. For a brown? Yeah. Are you being serious? I'm being serious. I do think I have to.

Okay. Well, do you remember what you were about to say? Of course. Well, make note of it so that we can. I'll go pee. All right. I'm going to take a shit. Jesus Christ.

Yeah. It's going to be bad. Okay. I'm going to take a shit. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. It's going to be bad. Okay. Like a talent's going to be... It's going to be good. Really?

It's going to be good. Really? It's not going to be good. It's not going to be good. I like it. How did that brown go? God! It was very necessary.

What do you think it was? I know. We had healthy lunch. It wasn't a splatter. It wasn't a blaster or anything like that. What was it like? I mean, it was just ready to go, but it was... Can we have a number?

I mean, I think it was like a four and a half. Oh, okay. Almost a five. Okay. Interesting. The emergency was there. Yeah, but yeah, I was ready. So what I was going to tell you about pregnancy poops is different because as your uterus

grows and expands, it squishes up your intestines and progesterone increase makes you constipate it. Your digestion slows down. So now my poops are like rabbit turds and it can hit me at any time. Like my schedule's all off. I really have to sit down and focus to make the brown. It's kind of a disaster. Wow.

I mean, I shit this morning, but I just have to be really cognizant of like when the urge strikes. I just got to honor it. You know? Yeah. I mean, you think you got to follow the leader of your... Yeah. It's just going to get harder from here on out too once the baby gets bigger and bigger.

You've been doing a lot of this stuff, by the way, of what stuff? Multiple, multiple browns all the time. Well, they're small. I sit down to brown and that's like kibble. It's like rabbit shit. And then I just have to keep doing. I have to keep at it until you get something worth talking about. Would you like to...

I mean, there's usually a push present, you know? Yeah. Are you interested at all in this at all or no? Bridget Boudreau takes milestones and turns them into treasures moms appreciate most. Breast milk is liquid gold. Breast milk is your diamond made from you. You know, I culture pearls out of your own breast milk and it's something that you cannot buy off the shelf.

What do you think? I'm going to pass. Why? I could reach out to her. Jo Brie Milk Charms. Jo from my son Joey, Brie from Bridget came to be after the birth of her son Joey. And when you breastfeed, it's something that you do all day and all night. So I really wanted to commemorate the bond that that creates between only mother and

child. So you have breast milk jewelry. I'd rather take like a diamond ring. But the breast looks more unique. I don't want a breast milk ring. I want a diamond ring. I want to do the breast milk one. A photo of it on Facebook got noticed.

Now orders are coming in from across the U.S. Every single piece is unique to them and their story. I have made a memorial piece for a few babies that have passed. Wait a minute. So is she making it with her own breast milk or you're sending in your breast milk? I would imagine you're sending in yours. So that's a lot of work though. You're not just getting your, now you got to ship it, you got to ship your breast milk.

It takes about three months for this day at home mom to fill an order. The customized charms cost between $50 and $200, 500 moms ship their breast milk to Bridget last year. Wow. I thought she was squirting her own tip milk and being like, I made you a jewelry. But this has to be a severe health hazard. First of all, you're not allowed to fedex any fluids of any kind. We know that.

I think you can. You cannot send your body fluids via the mail. Well, 500 moms just did. You're not supposed to. I'm pretty sure. Yeah. I'm pretty sure if a dex doesn't let you send jizz or farts or whatever. Yeah.

Breast milk. Yeah. It'll never smell bad. Never rot. A mother of two turning a milestone for some women. This is the very last drop of breast milk they have into a moment that can now last a lifetime. This reporter is making this sound really serious and not, not giving it the good natured

ribbing it deserves. Yeah. The last lifetime. That's kind of symptomatic of our era that we're living in, that everybody has to be honored and treated like it's rational and sane and you can't call crazy people crazy anymore. Yeah. Right?

This bitch isn't crazy. She's honoring her breast milk. Yeah. Right. No. You can't just call people what they fucking are anymore. God forbid. That's pretty crazy.

Gina, is there anything else? Well, I mean, I just want to talk about you being a Starbucks aficionado. Oh yeah. Yeah. I mean, I, you know, I appreciate it. Look at you light up. I do. Look at you light up.

You were ready to tap out of this episode and I brought that up. I appreciate good service and that's the thing is, you know what I find that irritates me more than bad service? People who justify bad service or who think that it's not worth pointing out that there's bad service. They're the worst people on earth and they're, they're the reason why bad service continues because these people are like, what's the big deal if somebody sucks at a job that you're paying for?

Why don't you just let them suck? It's not fair because some people take pride in their jobs and they want to be celebrated. Good service. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you go into some of these places, not just Starbucks, I'm at any service place and you know, it's awful and you're, they're just in a bad mood or they just don't care and you're like, this sucks.

Yeah. And yeah, I like to celebrate the ones where it's really good. Don't you love it? I think if you had ever, if I was the person waiting on you at any of the numerous service jobs I'd had, you would have hated me. Really? Complain. Complain.

I don't complain. I complain to you. I don't actually, I don't call the manager over. Now I was a decent barista. There you go. I may have been a decent server at times, but overall I never cared. I wasn't, I'm not good at the service industry. I like efficiency.

I like when they, and they don't have to know my name or any of that shit. But you like it. Everybody does. You said today you go, we're going to go, cause there's three Starbucks locations in our neighborhood. Yes. And we did a rundown of which one we should go to. Well, though, though, the one that we used to go to all the time, that drive-thru one,

that one's not really good. What? No, why is that? I find them to be just fine. Really? Fine. They're inconsistent. That's, that's something that I, you know, realize is very nice in the service.

And how, with their, how they treat you or the product. The product. Oh wow. Sometimes they make it right. So a lot of times they make it wrong. It's a pretty simple order. They get it wrong a lot. Um, you know.

What is your order so that people can be clear? My order is pretty easy. Go ahead. Venti ice coffee. Okay. Extra ice. Iced venti coffee. But go ahead.

Ice venti coffee, extra ice, no sweetener, small splash of whole milk. And when you say a splash, you do mean just a hint. That's it. A meow. Sometimes I'm in the store and I'll say that and then I watch the person take the milk and they go, yeah, I'm like, Hey, no, that's not going to work. What? It's not going to work.

You just gave me a glass of milk. Right. I don't want to drink a glass of milk. That upsets you. Yeah. So I actually found a way around it though. What's the way? I asked for a whole milk on the side.

So I don't even have to put it on the person anymore. Okay. I didn't realize you could do that. Because I will say there, nothing strikes terror in my heart more than having to get your iced coffee, your iced venti coffee. Because I know that I have to put that splash of whole milk in for you. And if it's not the right color of blonde, you get very upset and it's extra ice. If there's not enough ice in there, you get upset.

And I like, I swear to God, it induces a little bit of panic and anxiety in me. No, it does. I'm sure because I don't want you to be unhappy. I don't like that. I'm not that. I'm not that picky. I'm mad, but I know that it disappoints you and I don't like to disappoint you. It's very sweet of you.

I don't feel like I'm that crazy about it. But I do like it. You know, you like your thing made the way you like it. So like I said, I found that I no longer ask for it. I ask for now the whole milk on the side. Give me a little short. So the drive-through one is you found that they're inferior in their consistency and quality product.

Now the other location is in a very busy parking lot. And what's wrong with that place? It's too crazy. It's chaos there. The parking you mean? The parking, the place itself, it's very small. It's tough. Now the one that's good also gets too busy.

So I will skip that one too. But yet that one's your favorite of the three locations. Why? No, because it's good. It's good service. It has people in there are in a good, it just shows you it's like, I'm not even asking for it. People that work there are in a good mood.

They're always pretty happy. They treat everybody really well. They get really busy and they still maintain their composure. Yeah. I mean, they're super nice. Well, and you said that they know your name now and they know your drink. Yeah, some of them do. Probably like half of them do.

And that you like too. And I don't go there all the time, but yeah. But you like that that they know your name? Sure. But like that's what anybody likes from a service, you know, is that the person they remember you, they say your name, they go, I know that you like your thing like this. It's like going to a restaurant where they go, oh, you always get the ham and cheese or whatever.

Well, I think Starbucks is like in and out and that they take pride in training their employees very well. They treat their employees very well. They make sure the employees are aware of the products and what everything is about and everything. You don't sell them. Well, you have a Starbucks. A cool nose pick.

Thanks. Sell them. We have a Starbucks employee who's like, I don't know. I don't know what that drink is. I don't know what that Frappuccino is. They fucking know. Yeah. They're trained.

Yeah. They're trained. They're trained, man. They're good there. They are good. I know. Fuck Pete's coffee. I fucking hate it.

It tastes like rusty nails. Fuck the coffee bean too. I don't know. I don't mind the coffee bean. I don't like it. It's okay. I'll say this. I don't mind it.

They're trained well and the employees actually are usually really nice there. Yeah. Super good. Yeah, but I don't like their iced coffee and that's my drink. I like their vanilla latte. I like the vanilla powder. Sometimes you get used to a certain taste and you can't go away from it. Yeah.

So whenever I have an iced coffee in there, I'm like, ugh. You're just used to the start. Some people hate Starbucks. I know. It's too burnt tasting. I know. I got to get that all the time. The beans are too burnt.

Now, Pete's just tastes like dirt in a cup though. I don't like that at all. I fucking hate it. I had it the other day at the airport. I wanted to throw up. I don't like it at all. Yeah. All right.

And Dunkin Donuts can go fuck itself hard too. That's the absolute worst. Yeah. That is the worst. It's just like water. Terrible. Yeah. Gene, this is YMH Dunkers.

By DJ, please come to Nashville. Come back to Nashville for fuck's sake. That's the name of the DJ. Oh, and thanks to everybody ordering the not Los Angeles shirt. The limited audience of Angelino's who will buy it. It's a funny shirt, man. Caleb, thanks for the design. It's such a great shirt.

The mugs. Don't you hate everyone? And next up, brown talk mugs. A couple other shirts and there's some new stuff coming out that will be in the store soon. Thanks again for listening and thanks for supporting our sponsors. Bye, Gene. Bye, Mommy.

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