Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 439-Your Mom’s House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 14, 2018

Get your power tools and sex toys ready for a fun, informative episode! The Jeans are high and tight with this one. We examine DPC's and what REALLY counts. Christina has a recent one that she shares. Do you think it should be verified? Tommy has high standards for Starbucks. Just like his dad does for McDonald's. Is he turning into Top Dog?  Plus Blueban labels a file that makes the mommies laugh so hard we almost had to stop recording. 

Yeah, I like this instrumental, I played it a week ago, yeah, it's called Hose Down. I mentioned it last week, but a reminder, I added Atlanta. I'm doing it April 8th, I'm doing the Tabernacle, it's pretty exciting. What else have I added? Huntsville, Alabama, I'm doing Huntsville. Huntsville, Alabama, stand up live, just one night only, April 28th. I'm doing both of those shows because they are in and around Atlanta, which is where I'll be working.

Spokane, Saturday is sold out now, so there's a couple tickets left. I think Charlotte is as well. Mamaha, Nebraska, Saturday is sold out in June. Brea and Breastballs Beach, we moved our Shark Lake titties to September, and we have a third show on sale in New Orleans, Louisiana. Make sure you go to TomSugar.com to get your tickets, Jean March 30th, 31st, here I am. Comedy Club Portland, Oregon, the first show Saturday is sold out. So you guys may want to get on the other ones, April 29th, Manfred Disco, Cobbs Comedy Club,

my alma mater, I love San Francisco, May 4th, Huntington Beach, California at the rec room, Comedy Club at Glow Zone, one of my favorite Comedy Club names. I hear it's awesome though. May 9th, Oxnard, California, Cox Hard, at Levity Live, tickets at Christina P. Online. That's it, Jean Jacket. That's what's up. Jean Jacket. Jean Jacket.

Let him go. Let him go. Let him go for a second. Yeah, you like uncircumcised guys as I recall, right? Jesus. As I recall, it's like when you... I recall, right? Like he's at a restaurant, and the waiter remembers him from last time.

It's exactly what it is. You like the Chateauneuf. As I recall. As I recall. Right? You like that Milanesa, as I recall? Paired with the Cabernet, as I recall. If I look back and recall.

For a second. Here's the guy. God. Yeah, you like uncircumcised guys as I recall, right? Yeah. He's a connoisseur. Yeah. Yeah.

That's so fucking gross. That's a male prostitute, right? Yeah, yeah. He's trying to get that money out of this guy. So you got any coming those bulls? So you got any coming those bulls? That's a different approach than the male to female prostitute. This is how guys would be if women were cool with them.

What a laugh. Yeah. This is 100% how we would talk to you all the time. Okay, walk me through courtship. If you could just say the stuff you really wanted to say. Like, Kate, it's 2005. You and I are at the cat club and we're meeting for the first time. Go.

Yeah. I'd be like, ah, man, I'm trying to nut right now. You mind if I do it all over you or you want to help? You want to get involved? Hurry. Touch it. Yeah. Put your hand on it.

And there's your mouth. Give it to me. Touch it. Go, go. And then would you grab my hand? Come on. You'd make it happen. I'm hungry now.

You want to eat something? And then, yeah, it would be like, if it, it would be the way that like two best friends, like two guys that are hetero, that are best friends talk. That's how it would be if. Yeah. So I would just be like, oh, that was fun. We'll play video games now. Do you want to watch the game?

Yeah. Let's get some food. Do you want to fuck again? Do you want to fuck again? Like no social pretense because the woman. Yeah. It wouldn't be the dance. The romance dance and like the play of, I just feel like it feels good.

The play. You mean the actual courtship and the civility that's put in? All that nonsense would be gone. And you could actually get down to the real deal, which is like, it's hard again. Can you work it out? Yeah. I like how you consider the woman side of it just like frivolous nonsense. It is frivolous nonsense.

Getting to know the other person. It's the worst. It's the part that every guy dreads because we just want it to be like, can we just, stop with this bullshit. Talking and getting to know you. And then like, you know, oh, you know, are you, I want to make sure I shower. Like all this stupid shit. Right.

And you have to act like, you know, we're working our way through the steps. We just want it to be anal and done. Getting it in. Well, that's why a lot of men say that other guys are creeps, right? Like white men are hate other guys. I don't know. Guys are such scumbags. This is an interesting topic.

I feel like we should just open the show. I don't know if all guys are like that or not, but let's just open the show and we'll get into it. Okay. Let's just open the show. Okay. Hi there. My name is Pete.

And today I'm going to be demonstrating a new toy that I got. And the cool thing about it is it incorporates a power drill and a flush light and your heart did. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Welcome to your mom's house. This guy seems cool. This is how guys want to be with you all the time.

All the time. Yeah. Do you realize that if guys were allowed to just court the way they want to? Like what you're talking about. Yeah. That first of all, like sexually transmitted diseases would be rampant. Yeah. And actually I think dwindle because everyone would die.

I think. No, I think you're right. Like HIV would have spread to like so much faster. Yeah. Which might be a good thing. There's too many people, I think. Yeah. Yeah.

And like everybody's genitals would just be sealed shut with herpes sores. And then you just have so crusty. And then you just have so crusty. And fear. Yeah. You know, rampant disease. Yeah. If men could just do it the way they all want it, I think.

Women or some women essentially keep this whole thing in check and working. Yeah. Of course. Well, there's some scally wagons out there that really. Scally wagons. You know, that don't care and are just like dudes, but. Yeah. Yeah, but those girls are damaged guts.

You know what I mean? Of course. Those girls have. They have feet right here as their dad. Yeah. And you're hard dick. Is he from the 70s or 80s? I don't know, man.

He's talking about flashlights though. So. Yeah. And you're hard dick. Yeah. Let's. Do I have to know? I want to know.

I want to know about this toy. I want to know how it works. Let's see what he did. Let's see what he did. I think he may have built this himself. I think he did. I definitely did. You use the car list.

Whoa. Whoa. That's a huge one. Yeah. It looks like you need a friend to help hold it for you. You get a really fun toy. He's so proud of himself. I would be proud of myself too.

I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of myself. But that is enormous. I mean. Yeah. It seems like it's kind of sort of counterproductive because it looks like it's like a real. Well, you're just not thinking of it the way he is. He and his friend can put their dicks in there.

Yeah, I guess so. I mean, have your friends over again. Yeah. A cool thing to do is hang out with your friends and get your dicks off. It's a DP. Yeah. If there was no social stigma about that, that's another thing that every guy would do. You know, if they weren't like in fear of being thought of as, you know.

Homosexual. Yeah. Then every guy would be like, let's jack off today right now together. Every guy always be like, why don't we just hang out and come on each other? All right. Now, do you think that DPs are gay? What do you mean? Well, because you've got one in the pink and one in the stink.

And then they're like, they're right next to each other. You and your bro are doing grind and dicks. No, sometimes you DP in the same hole. And even that's not gay. It's totally gay. No, it's not. You grind and dicks with some dicks. I don't think so.

I think you actually have to be like extra sexually, you know, strong. You have to be a total stud to do that. To do that. To do two in the pink. Yeah, because you have to block that out and still focus on her and stay in the moment. Well, that's what I'm saying. So half of your penis is having gay sex. Right.

Because you're grinding a dick. No, I guess I see what you're saying. The other half is having hetero. So you're half gay if it's a vaginal DP. I think you're just a total deviant is what you are. To be able to do that, you're not a normal guy. Right. Right.

No, you're not. Who does that? Do people really do that in their private sex lives? In their private life? Yes. Rarer. Two in your vagine. And sometimes they go double anal, double vaginal.

No, nobody's really doing that. Sure they are. And sometimes they're going triple. No. Yeah. I'm writing a story. I'm writing a story. Yes, I am.

I swear to you. What are you writing a story? I'm writing a story about the lady who did the first two, two and two. What do you mean you're writing a story? It's a sketch. No, for what? To shoot something. Oh my gosh.

Oh, and she's talking about her. She's old now. She's talking about her early days. She's reminiscing. Well, not really reminiscing. She's saying that she was the first and she's proud of it. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of myself.

Well, Jules had two in you, three in you. Yeah. And she didn't even know until people were like, you had two in you and you had three in you. And she was like, wow. I'm proud of myself. I was like, I'm proud of myself. I was like, that's really...

It wasn't until... It wasn't until... It wasn't until... It was a lot of dicks, you know. Ain't nobody got time for that. It wasn't until they said, you have two in you. You have three in you that I was like, I forget it now. It's a...

It really is. I know it's so old. I don't know even know where it is, but it really is. It's a lot to have two in your asshole. Asshole? Well, even two in your asshole is a lot, but two in... Gosh, and your vagine is like... Yeah, but at least your vagine is made for them.

Your asshole... Your asshole is not made for... It's not designed for any of that stuff. It can accommodate, but it's not designed for it. Your vagine is at least like, all right. Your vagine just thinks it's a really big dick. It's like, Jesus. Calm down.

Our baby, my life. Yeah. Two in you. I don't know. Do you put the... Do you think that people really put the dog in the bathtub too? Of course. Is that real?

Of course they do. Of course. Yes, they do. You can't put your beans in her too. Yeah, you can. Have you seen it? I've seen it in movies. A movie.

Again, with the talk like... These are not films or movies. Yeah, with Francis Ford Coppola movie. I was just watching it the other day. Forget what it's called. They shouldn't be called films or movies. They're not. It's something different.

It's what people do. You need a different word. It's what people do. Let's see this toy in action. I don't think so. I don't need to. This is pretty fucking amazing. Wow.

Oh, my. He has no shame. Oh, my God. He's jerking off on YouTube. It's censored. It's censored. Look at his face. Wow.

Wow. Do you like watching this dude? That's pretty funny. I think he's pretty funny. Let's see if he busts. Gentlemen, it's a practice. And I just had a really good time. Take care.

Ugh. The cleanup. He did the thumbs up. The problem with men and sex toys is the cleanup. Because you know there isn't any. There's no cleanup happening. You know that. Yeah.

They're just letting that stuff cake up and get grozier and grozier. I agree. That's probably the worst part of dudes. Ugh. Is how nasty they are. Ugh. Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. You're survivors Hunter conteúdo. Ugh. Okay.

I'm a very old one, I remember one. I'm an old one. A young urban heterosexual male, with liberal political views, an interest in fashion and a refined sense of taste. OK. Duh. But the same? What is the word?

I don't know. What is the, let's see, metrosexual, what is it, etymology? It's a big word for you. Good luck. Origin, metro meets homosexual. Yeah. See. OK.

But, metropolitan that's what it is. That's what it is. I don't have the fucking bandwidth today for that. I don't know either. Whatever. Anyway. You know, I would like to say that I was charged with the task of picking up your coffee today before we started tabing and it always strikes a little bit of panic in my heart.

Which makes me happy. When I have to pick up your drink order because it's very specific and I know last episode we were discussing the three locations that we frequent and I went to the. And valuing good service. Right. And I went to the most inferior of the three. Wait, there's one, two. And the one that I went to is a drive-thru and I prefer that because I don't like to get

it like that. Wait, there's the close drive-thru. Yes. That's the one I went to. And there's the one that I tell you was exemplary. Again, but I'm not going to get out of my fucking car. The one in the horrible parking lot. Oh yeah.

Because there's also a fourth one. Where's that? The fourth one is if you start heading. I know. And towards the freeway. Yeah. And it's also a drive-thru. That one's a better drive-thru.

But that's further from our house. The problem with the drive-thru that's closest to us is that it's at an exit from the freeway. It's a terrible intersection. You're leaving the freeway or entering the freeway. This is an entrance exit. And so it is a highly trafficked area because of its location. Yeah. So it's just too busy.

I know. And I went in and I have to agree with you, Tom, that this one is the worst. A, they're not as friendly. B, I had to repeat my verbal order three times for him to repeat it back correctly. And C, I ask it's just a splash of homeless. Drink is an iced venti coffee, a venti iced coffee with extra ice and just a splash of whole milk. That's right.

Now, and I, I very, I'm, I specify just a dash. I don't even say splat a dash of whole milk. And they gave it to me and it was like blonde. And I was like, and I gave it back to her. I go, listen, this is for my husband. He's going to beat the shit out of me. If I don't get this right. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Why would you say that? Well, I feel like you're going to beat the shit. That's not even cool to put out there. And I go, I handed it back once and I go, more coffee, please. This is for my husband. He likes it just so they gave it back to me. It's still too blonde. And I go, again, a second time I go, dude, this is still too light.

Please. I'm going to get a severely bitten. My lips going to get split open. You don't even know pregnant. He just pushes me down the stairs and then she gave it back. Still not good on the third time. You did it three times. Can you kidding me?

I can't bring back an inferior quality product. So I really love you. Thank you for doing that. You're killing me. I would not kill you. But her attitude on the third time, definitely. Right. I mean, rightly so.

Three times. Yeah. She was like, she really hated me by that third time. But it's because of that location. At the other one, you can make any request and they do it with a smile. They're just fine with it. Yeah. Well, they listen better, I feel.

But this, this poor staff, I think there's, like you said, too many cars. We've become my dad. I know. With Starbucks the way he is with McDonald's. We, you mean you? Well, listen to you talking about it. It's only because I'm jumping on your train of lunacy. You started this.

I love their coffee. Yeah. So you're boycotting McDonald's? Yeah. Well, I love their coffee. In fact, it's the best coffee. Right. But they've gone to two drive-through lanes.

Yeah. And so what happened is, I mean, timed it. Yeah. Two lanes. The other day, it took me 13 minutes to get my coffee through the drive-through. Yeah. It's too long. And.

And. Because even though they have two lanes, they don't process it as fast as they should. So they, so from a customer point of view, it's, I should take the burger. And I've talked to them about that. And what do you do when you talk to them? How would you talk to them? Well, I call the 1-800 McDonald's number in Illinois and they're very nice. And they, you know, they, I think they're generally concerned.

But I've noticed this and a couple other. So now I go to McDonald's that have single lines. But you said you were boycotting. Well, I'm not really boycotting, but I'm doing. But you're boycotting the double lane. Double lane. Dual lanes. Dual lane McDonald's do not get your business.

Dual lane McDonald's don't get my business. I only go to single lane McDonald's. Because that one is not convenient for me. I'm not going as much as I used to. That's adorable. I mean, yeah. That's from, you know, that's from seven years ago. I can't believe that's seven years old.

Seven years old. God time flies. It really does. How long have we been married? We've been married three years. No. I think so. 23 years.

Yeah. Oh wait. We've been married 10 years, but together early. Yeah. Well, we haven't really been together. 14. 10 years. We've been together probably four or five years now that has been serious.

That was dating. I was dating six years ago. I remember. Babe, you were dating up until you got pregnant the second time. Yeah. I mean, I've still, I mean, I'm not exclusive with you. When you go to film this movie, do you think you'll remain faithful or are we going to do that?

Oh, I mean, I'm fine. I'm pregnant. I feel sexy. I feel like I'm ready to put myself out there. Yeah. What do you want? Are we going to date other people? I don't know.

I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know. You brought this up this morning that your dad's inflection is weird on certain. Yeah. He's like, he did it right here. I know. He's like, and that's a dual lane McDonald's. He says that he'll be like, mother and I are going to be taking cruises.

We like to cruise. I'm like, what? Why are you saying it like that? Huh? Like, why'd you say we like to cruise? He's like, it's just what we like to do. He goes right back to like he didn't do it. Yeah.

He hears English. He speaks English his own way. And then he hears commonly said words and correctly. It's really weird. I think it's all, you know, what is it? Auditory? Yeah. Maybe he should get his ears checked.

Do you think he's hearing? I think it's a lost cause. I think just let it go. Let him speak. It's 70. Dual. Dual lane McDonald's. So I value the.

Okay. And do you have a favorite employee at the single lane McDonald's? Like you did at the other one? I haven't really cultivated a favorite employee like it did. Amanda was my favorite employee at D. What was, what'd you like about her? Maximum efficiency. Okay.

Okay. Maximum efficiency. Maximum efficiency. All right. And, uh, how it goes when you go through the drive through. All right. Your dad too. When he, when he comes over here, um, he always does this where he taught, he's like,

okay. And he like gives you the I thing. Yeah. Yeah. You have to like agree with him. He gives you like an I affirmation. You're like, uh, uh, dual lane McDonald's is not going to my business. Okay.

And then he pauses and looks at you and you have to nod back. I always feel the pressure to like affirm when he's affirming. He definitely has his preferences. The McDonald's one is so weird. Not weird. Obviously it's a very popular place to go. Fucking love McDonald's. Can I tell you that I've really been holding back the urge to go there.

I want to eat there every day, but it's not really good for your growing fetus. Yeah. No. What's your favorite item at McDonald's? I haven't been in a while. I mean, it's definitely breakfast though. Oh, really? Oh yeah.

Over like a quarter pounder. Yeah. Oh, I love breakfast. You do love breakfast. Yeah. What do you get the egg McMuffin? Yeah. Our sausage, egg and cheese.

That's a really killer one. That's a lot of calories, isn't it? Yeah. I try to stay away from there. No, I know. Only because of the bread part of it, the biscuit. Yeah. Yeah.

It's just delicious. That looks a little fried hash brown. The hashies are the best. The hash brown thing is great. Get your life. It always gives me a suggestion. Drunk. It is amazing food too.

In the morning? No. Are you giving breakfast? No, because they serve breakfast 24 hours now. Oh. I'm saying if you're lit and you go there. Any of their food, if you've been drinking, nothing's better than McDonald's when you're done drinking.

You're like, I gotta eat something. That is amazing. Of course. That and I used to go to Taco Bell. Taco Bell. You know who got me to Taco Bell? You. I know.

The Lampard division. There was one that was near there. Near our house. I know. And that would be a lot of times my, it might have been why I was gaining weight. It might have been when I would come home at midnight. I would stop there.

Ugh. It's so damn nasty. Last time I had Taco Bell was when I did Madison, Wisconsin. Yeah. And. Did you do Madison? Not the other one.

Sorry. Not Madison. What's the other one? Oh, you did Appleton. Appleton. Yeah. And I drank red wine. Yeah.

And I was hungry and we stopped at Taco Bell. And I had a bean and cheese burrito and a Mexican pizza. On top of red wine in my belly and I laid in bed and I was like, dear God, please don't let me vomit. I will never eat Taco Bell again. I felt so sick. You felt sick. And that's the last time man.

And that was what? Oh, nine. They're known for getting people sick. I know. I know. That Twitter feed we look at is Neil Hamburger. Yeah. He does a search for like Taco Bell and sick.

And then he retweets them. It's really a fucking hilarious. It'll be like 30 in a row. Like, uh, Hey, Taco Bell got me sick as fuck again. I feel like Taco Bell poisoned me. Well, the meat is, I'd say the meat is worse. Obviously worse than McDonald's meat.

It's like prison grade. It's really bad. It feels pretty bad. Yeah. Yeah. You have to have Taco Bell is one of those things where you have to mask the quality with heat. Yeah.

You have to eat it piping hot. Yeah. So you kind of have the illusion that it's human food because if it's cools down, you really can taste the quality. Well, any fast food really that's cooled down. Yeah. It's not. It congeals on its heart.

Yeah. McDonald's too. I mean, that's the worst cold. You can't even touch a McNugget past its hot point. Hot, hot, hot. It's so nasty. You gotta be like, is this on fire? I'm ready to eat it.

It's so nasty. If it even, yeah. If it even gets lukewarm, you're like, oh, this is good. And it's McDonald's always makes my car smell like farts. Have you noticed that? Yeah. Their food smells like farts. That's so weird.

That used to be their slogan in the 80s, I think. McDonald's. Our food smells like farts. Derecious. Derecious. By the way, do you want to make the announcement? I do. I'm so excited.

I can't even hear. Hold on here. I know. Some people may already know this who follow you and I on social media. Big day. Big day. I don't know. Fist in a bowl and cat eating kibble.

This was my favorite sound. This is for a major announcement. Big announcements only. It's such a cute sound, isn't it? Yeah. Makes me miss having a cat. Why don't you go ahead? All right.

As you know, being pregnant, I've been farting a lot. A lot of times, not in my control, not a lot I can do about it. We were eating dinner on Tuesday, February 27th at 6.40pm and I was talking to you. I stopped mid-sentence and I farted and I burped at the same time. I continued talking. I was like, so anyway. Then I go, tell me, I just had a double pipe classic. Yeah.

I just had a double pipe classic. Because it happened so fast. It was crazy. They're very rare and even though I want to be there with you in all these moments to celebrate and to share in your success, a lot of pushback. What are you talking about? A lot of people are going, hey, she's pregnant, things are going haywire in there. Gaming the system, if you will.

Yeah. They're like, that doesn't count. They really are calling you out because it wasn't too long ago that you were discrediting people's double pipe classics. No, but only because if they're trying to force it by feeding themselves refried beans. I didn't try to game the system. This was a natural occurrence. I didn't modify my diet in any special way.

Yeah. I don't know. A lot of people, a lot of people were wrong. A lot of people, huh? They did. Those people are haters. Wow. Maybe they need to have their own double pipe and then they'll feel better.

Yeah. People said no video, no double pipe. Yeah. I couldn't. That's the thing that happens so fast. Here's what one of our people, oh my God, this guy got you twice. He wrote, I'm going to have to blow the whistle and say it doesn't count. Being pregnant with baby jeans number two is obviously performance enhancing and will

induce more bodily awesomeness. We have heard in previous mom's house conversations that enhancing the endeavor is a strict grounds for dismissal. A true double pipe classic is a rarity. Let's not make it common course. You're going to have to retract that double pipe classic from the scoreboard. All of no H is keeping all that haters on the real. We can recognize that the haters were supposed to be the haters.

Much love. No hate guys. Yeah. He's writing about a typo. He was very adamant that you don't get what you think you get. You don't deserve it. Is pregnancy an enhancement necessarily or a different physical state of being? I mean, look, if you're asleep and you fart and burp at the same time, I don't know.

All I know is it happened and it was so sudden and I was talking to you so I kind of wasn't paying attention. And I just want to say for everybody out there, if it hasn't happened for you yet, don't try to make it happen. But pay attention when it does because it almost passed me by. You know, I could have, I almost got out of that moment not even realizing I had. It was pretty amazing. I mean, I was sitting three feet from you and I was, you know, I mean, I'm the, I guess

the, the person that coined the term and even I, I'm in awe of it when I, you know what I mean? It's like, it's like how I imagined Steve Jobs felt when they'd show him a new iPhone. He's like, wow. Right. I was the inventor and then it just gets better and better and improves. Yeah. I was at a loss for words.

Yeah. Well, that's, that's how everybody feels when they have other around double pipe. When's the last time you had one? Oh God, it's been a while. It shouldn't happen to you, you know, more than once every few years. Right. I think I had mine two years ago, the last one. It takes time.

Yeah. It takes time. Really does. You know what, I'm going to, I'm going to count it as a win as a double pipe classic guys. What am I supposed to do? Like it's exciting when it arrives. I mean, you get to make that call, but what do you think you tell me?

I mean, I was there. I was, it was, it was in my face basically, um, it seemed real to me. What are you going to, are you going to say that the pregnancy is a performance enhancement? I don't think so. Am I gaming it? Am I taking steroids? I'm also so passionate about them, you know, happening that I don't see it that way. But I understand that, you know, the more successful you get, you're going to have people

that, yeah. Well, here's what, here's what I consider to be a performance enhancer. Okay. Okay. You fart a lot. So like, let's say you're on the toilet with a bout of diarrhea and you're shotgunning farts and then you burp as you're shotgunning a diarrhea fart. Yeah.

I don't consider that to be a true double pipe. Yeah. If you're gaming the system, drinking soda and like cramming, refried beans down in your stomach, like eating those, to create, no, it's still very hard to manufacture it. You're not going to manufacture it. Your body chooses a way out generally one or the other. It's like a hole in one when you actually have it go out. That's pretty me.

Yeah. Well, cause I remember when I farted, I've had two farts and the first one I just farted. The second time I farted, I burped at the same time and I remember it felt so different and that's why I paused and I went, that was a double pipe. Yeah. Cause it feels different. It feels weird. Yeah.

Well, it feels different. It feels weird when an angel touches you on your shoulder too, you know, those are, that doesn't happen every day either. Right. So you just happen to have an amazing thing happen to you. You should be really happy. It's a miracle. Yeah.

By the way, I noticed you've been making peachy a lot through your pregnancy and a lot of pregnant women do. Do you find it to be inconvenient? Massively. Would you like a solution? I'd love a solution. Sometimes I get jealous that guys can go to the bathroom just about anywhere, but ladies, now you can pee like a gentleman too.

Go Girl is a reusable silicone funnel that helps you tinkle, standing up. No, thanks. It's made of flexible medical grade silicone that will adapt to your body while it's anti-spill and anti-splash design keeps things tidy and mess-free. When we tried it out, it was super easy and drip-free. Plus Go Girl lets you be discreet. You only need to undress just enough to give Go Girl coverage. Nothing too conspicuous.

Do you want to try it? I would if our camping like this broad is. If you're camping, can't you just pop a squat? Yeah, but you don't want to squat down where there's ants and bugs and grass and shit. That's why this is ideal. So you put this over your veg. Yeah, and it acts as a peener, like a funnel. Oh, I got it.

It's a funnel. Just a funnel. But then, yeah, no, I guess it'll work. It'll work. The funnel comes folded in a capsule with an instructional bag. That way you can rinse, shake, and store when you're done. Besides being medical grade, the silicone is antimicrobial and it can be cleaned and reused. Wash it with liquid soap and let it dry.

Wash it in boiling water, or you can even run it through the dishwasher on the top rack. You know what their big problem is here? That they don't show you somebody using it. Why can't we see someone using it? Or a cartoon demonstration. Something like that. How does my apples smell, huh? You know?

So show me somebody actually doing it. Because she says, so you pull down your pants, but then the funnel would have to be pointed out like a dick. Yeah. So you have to be pointed away from your pants. Right. And but I mean, as a viewer or as a consumer, I want to see this thing in action. I'd like to as well.

But I think my problem with the go girl is just like I said, like what if the funnel has to be pointed up and out so that you're not pissing all over your clothes? You know what they should do? They should make that funnel and then have like a foot long dick as the scalp. So that you have a chance to get it on you, but also you can kind of, it's like kind of a wink at the guy. You know, like check out how big mine is guys. Love you, Rad.

Yeah. Yeah. It shouldn't be discreet. It should be enormous. Enormous. Yeah. I want to carry around a foot long funnel. And choose between our 10, 12 and 18 inch penis models.

Yeah. This is good for camping, definitely. Yeah. Because it's nasty to squat. I fucking hate squatting like on the side of the road or whatever when you have to pee and there's no toilets around. It's the worst. It seems like you should try it out.

Try it out. Try it out. Piss on me. Beat me. Oh, you know, you've been watching OJ show lately. Yeah. You know what happened was American Crime Story, that FX series. So this is their second season and this time they picked the Versace murder and it is phenomenal.

If you guys are looking for a really, really good one, use your FX app or go on iTunes and you can buy it, you know, if you haven't been watching it. American Crime Story is the name of the series. They focus on the Versace. It's really just amazing storytelling. I think Ryan Murphy is the showrunner on that. Great. The kid they got to play Andrew Cunanan is tremendous actor.

And also they got Edgar Ramirez to play Versace and they got Penelope Cruz to play Donatella, his sister. So just crazy all-star cast, but the storytelling device that they use, in other words, the way that they lay it out is fascinating. It's so well done and I've been so into it, but you know, the show is airing now so I have to wait that I went back because I never watched season one of American Crime Story, which was the OJ story. And that's where they have Cuba Gooden Jr. playing OJ and John Travolta is playing Robert

Shapiro, excuse me, and Nathan Lane plays F. Lee Bailey. Really good cast and again, I mean, it's all, it's much more familiar because of how high profile that story was, but then there's things that I'd only heard a little bit about that they, you know, they, they just lay it out really well. I'm surprised. It's a really, really good series. Yeah. I, I picked up, I was asleep, but I saw Cuba playing OJ and I'm like, they didn't even try to make him look remotely like OJ.

I know, but I think, you know, Because he's black and there's OJ. Well, he's a great actor. Yeah, of course. I mean, Cuba's really good. I mean, it is only thing that's really weird about that is physical stature because Cuba's small. Short guide.

OJ is a beast. He's a towering. OJ is a big dude. Yeah. So that, that part's kind of weird, but you get over it right away. I mean, the only time you ever, it ever makes you kind of like, how can you do that? Your head is when he's standing around other guys, you know, you're like, oh, he's just like a small dude.

That's story, dude. I remember I, I was my 17th birthday and I was at a restaurant with my friends and we were watching OJ get chased by the cops in the white Bronco. Like it's still fresh in my mind. Yeah, 94, right? Or 93. And I was like, dude, what the fuck? That would have been, I think 94.

But 94, yes. Me, my turn 18. I was at basketball camp at University of South Florida. And that's how I mean, I remember it vividly when, when the Bronco chase happened. And then they covered that story, man, every day on LA. It was the biggest story that OJ murders and he killed the Cole Brown, the Cole Brown Simpson and the boyfriend and then Kato Kalen. And then you'd see Kato down at the fucking on the sunset strip up until a few years ago.

You'd see that guy at comedy shows all the time. Yeah. He'd be at the saddle ranch. He'd be around. You're like, what are you doing? So weird that his fame is from murder, murder, like somebody being who ripped to be murdered. Yikes.

Yeah. But we, but what did you say? OJ's up to now? Well, I mean, a lot of people, I mean, I'm sure everyone remembers, but, you know, he obviously was found not guilty. Then he went to prison for completely unrelated crime. Isn't that fascinating? Essentially was armed robbery of his own memorabilia.

He did a real run in prison. Now he's out. And from what I understand, he's just trying to find the real killer. You know, he's out there every day trying to try to find the guy's hustle and whoever killed Nicole and Ron Goldman. My favorite was the courtroom scene when he's trying to fit the glove on his hand. He's like, ah, I remember that. Yeah, I haven't gotten to that in the show.

And he struggling is so great. And then he kind of went like, oh, it doesn't get the glove. Don't fit, can't get it. Quit. What is it? The glove, the glove doesn't fit. You must acquit. Must acquit.

Yeah. Yeah. It was crazy shit. That was a crazy time. Fascinating. The, um, you know, the race card being like, it was a total case of portraying, you know, using the history of the LAPD. Yeah.

Yeah. And because they had a bad run a couple of years earlier with Rodney. Yeah. Well, they also had a bad run for the previous 40 years. Sure. Sure. Sure. It was pretty bad and they used, they played that up so brilliantly as a

strategy as a, as a way to exonerate him for this credit. All the evidence that was collected and the police. Yeah. Yeah. Mark Furman, Mark Furman. I remember all these names. He's Christ. He's a nightmare.

And, you know, they, they got him doing this interview for a book where he was just dropping all right. Yeah. And they're like, he's a racist, clearly. Cause he's, you know, saying this was nuts. Was they had, you know, had blood evidence on and in the Bronco and they were like, the cops planted that shit. Yeah.

And there was enough doubt for those people. They, they played it so well and they played the long game with it. You know, they didn't just go, they did this. It was little by little. They placed little bits of doubt. You know, they would talk to one of the interview, one of the detectives on the stand and they're like, where do you live? And he was like, see me valley.

And they're like, Oh, isn't that where the, the police who beat Rodney King lived? Yes. And I was like, so like, you know what I mean? So they just kept placing those little bits in addition to the big things. Yeah. And there was enough there to glove the glove. Man, that was the best part of the acting. So they're like, so you think that like these cops just like went out and

murdered these people and then pinned it on OJ and they're like, yes. So crazy. It was absurd, it was absurd. But, you know, in LA, I think if OJ had been convicted, I think we would have had another riot. I think so too. I think that LA would have gone up in flames again because we had just had riots in 92 or something, right?

91 or two. And then 94 OJ, it was like the best thing, too much, too much for the city. Was that OJ four part documentary series? I met that director. I still haven't seen it is unbelievable. But it's not a documentary like you think that's why you should watch it. It's not like here's the case. It is a true, it's like a a thesis statement.

It is an examination of almost what's unrelated to the story to make the story happen. It's fascinating. Yeah. It's actually the best documentary series I've ever seen. I think it's called OJ in America. It's on Netflix. I don't think it's on Netflix.

I think you'd have to download or buy it somewhere. It used to be, I think it was in conjunction with the ESPN. Yeah, this is what I think is where it aired. It's so good, man. Well, OJ is a real sociopath. There is some documentary you're watching. I may have been that one. And I caught a few minutes of it where he would stage these things.

That was on the right where he was. He was folding his American flag and crying. And then he had his friend videotape. So yeah, and it was to sell to sell that tape. So there's a moment there. That's not in the in the FX series, but in the documentary we were talking about. There's a moment where he's like, or I think, I don't know if he's been exonerated yet or what, or excuse me,

like acquitted yet on the on the crime, but he's telling his friend. And I think he knows he's asked to move out of his Brentwood house. And he's lowering his flag. He's like, stand over here and kind of record through these bushes. And then I'm going to pull my flag down and like, I'm really going to, like, you know, kind of think about what I'm doing. And he's like, then I'm going to notice you and be like, come on, man, come on, get out of here.

And so he does this whole he's like watching his flag come down. He looks at it really meaningfully and holds it up and he puts it on. He's like, oh, come on, man, come on. And he he waves them off and it is. And then he's like, all right, now take that. And the guy's still rolling on the on the camcorder. Right. You know, like you can go and sell that and then come back to me.

So he was trying to get essentially like paparazzi footage, you know? Yeah. Well, you listen to him talk and he's completely checked out. He's a complete sociopath. Yeah. He has zero. He's totally disconnected from ever. He's like, you know, it's not one where he's like, you ever had a gun? You ever held? He's no, I don't know.

I never know. He said he was never accused of killing anybody. You know what? My favorite thing was to I don't remember if this is a documentary or not. Crazy person. This might be in the doc in the documentary or it might have been something that I saw outside of that. When he was serving his prison sentence in for the Nevada robbery,

they said that, you know, after a few years, he would come up for parole and there's a parole hearing every time for prisoners. You know, you sit there, you know, the parole board sits there. You have like your attorney, something else that would run through all the standard things, you know, your behavior looks like it's this. I see that you've been participating in that and you had exemplary this and that. And then they would run through standardized, in other words, you know, the boilerplate checklist questions.

Did you ever and they would get to have you have been arrested before? Right. And they had to like it's part of the process. And he would go, yes. And they would, they were like, why were you arrested before? And he would have to go for a double murder and they would, they would be like, what were the circumstances? Because that's part of the protocol, right?

And then they would have to, and then he would have to be like, and he would have to retell essentially the whole OJ murder trial story to the parole board. And then they'd be like, oh, OK, yeah, we're not granting you parole. And then next year he would come back. They'd go through the whole thing and he would do his charming. Like, I'm just, you know, I'm juice. And then they're like, have you ever been arrested before?

And he was like, yeah, like one time, what was it for? It was for a double homicide. And what happened? I didn't do it, but yeah, it's pretty, it's pretty big deal. I think you know exactly what I think everybody knows. Yeah, I know, like, yeah, I know we know, but you got to tell us again. Isn't that unbelievable? He's really out of his fucking mind.

And then Johnny Versace, you know, he he was right there on South Beach. And every time I go to South Beach and you see the mansion there, it's still there, right? It's still there. It's watching. But his family sold it. Yeah, it's now a they converted it back. I think it's a private hotel, but it's not like a hotel you can just walk up to.

It's I mean, in other words, you can't just see if they have a vacancy of the book. And I think you get the run of the whole thing. So it's like a very exclusive, very expensive, but it always occurred to me how how high profile that guy was and everybody knew him in the community. Versace, yeah, he would just I mean, he literally if you've never been to South Beach, it's on that main drag. What's that Lincoln Boulevard or ocean ocean ocean ocean. And, you know, he just has a couple of gates and boom, you're right there on the street.

And that's a major drag. And we're talking restaurants, bars, nightclubs. Like it's it's the main strip there. It's like living on Sunset Boulevard. Yeah, tourists and like everything, but no one really, you know, well, until one thing, yeah, but before that, he was like, he loved living there. He had this, it was a hotel and something neighboring. And he bought them both and converted all into his gorgeous state.

She's stunning. If you ever you can look it up Versace, Miami Beach home. And it's kind of like a jaw dropper of a of a property. Yeah. And he would just walk down and get all his they said is to go to I think news cafe and buy magazines and newspapers in the morning and then walk back. And people would say they said people were just big. Oh, hi, you know, they he was the most famous resident kind of thing.

And people would notice him say hi, but not really bug him. Yeah, plus it's a big gay community. So he was a part of that. Like, you know, it was it was his community river. It just bums me out that John Lennon was a similar way and he got fucking right to imagine John Lennon Jesus. What was that place called? It's in New York.

It starts with a D the building. Forgot what it is that he got shot in front of. Yeah, I don't remember that. He lived in a place but he and Yoko would go to the movies. Like I think in New York City, people left him alone enough that he could kind of have a normal life and not be completely flooded with. The Dakota. That's what it's called.

Yeah. Until one, you know, it takes one psycho. Which is so horrible. Yeah, I know. It's really sad. Mike, you know. And he was at, I mean, or Satya was at the height of his, you know, fame and grind and dicks left and right. Just having no, he was having just huge success and the brand was enormous. And it's really sad, you know, he killed him in the thought.

I mean, it's sad to get murdered at any time. But yeah, he just he just like destroyed a whole family and legacy and company all in one moment. That's cool. Thanks, dude. Well, let's change topics. Here's a nice fart for you guys. I hope you like it. It's a late Valentine fart.

Oh, come on down below, subscribe and let me know what you think about my fart. Sure. And please give it a big thumbs up. You guys ready? Here we go. How long is she holding it for? Oh, she's moving. Oh, yeah, that was the best for whatever. No, I don't.

You know, she talked a lot before. Yeah, I thought it was going to be really crazy. That was going to be something I don't believe that is real. I don't know who this is. No, I think that's real. It just wasn't up and coming. YouTuber up and coming. Who goes by the name?

Kai's C.A.I.Z. She does random videos about her day to day. But she also does fart videos. She said that was the best fart ever. I just don't. I it's not the best fart I've seen. I mean, look, well, this is also a different standard here on this show. Plus, I'm saying we go with guys like King Ass Ripper.

Professional farters. Yeah, I mean, this chick is fucking amateur Tuesday. Let's see if she steps it up. Here is a smelly fart at 2.22. I hope you like it. It's good point. It's good. And comment down below.

See, she does a lot of pre. Oh, yeah. That wasn't that good. See, and King Ass Ripper, so in his game, he can't talk a lot before the fart comes. He does the setup, but they're feel like she's trying to manipulate an audience. I feel like she's trying to say, yeah, hey, you know, subscribe, comment. Yeah, it's like, it's like, that's all you want.

Focus on your farts more. Focus on what pays the bills. Content, dude. Yeah, content is king. That's what you want. You guys like my new fart? Please comment down below. Let me know what you think and please subscribe to my channel.

OK, but I do like. That's a better setup. Which is the way that she says comment on my fart. I feel like that's pretty funny the way she goes. I hope you guys like my new fart. But that I like. I like that too. And I actually like the fart and then the sales pitch.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Give the audience some content and then the sales pitch. Have you liked my new fart? She's saying it like, I hope you like my new video that I just put out there. I spent a lot of time on this, guys. I hope you like that. Do you like what I just did?

What happened? Sicko. She's not looking for dates, definitely. She's not looking at it. She is. Because we keep hearing from people that want to talk to us about their their farts, their fart fetishes. I don't know.

Oh, I know we've been getting people to talk to you about it. But I think I get it. Yeah, I get it. I don't even need to do an interview about it. I don't need to go in depth. I feel like we understand the. And when one guy told us one time, I forget we were somewhere in Texas and the guy goes, yeah, what's exciting to me is the pretty girl.

Right in the dirty thing. It's the taboo of the hot. Yeah, the pretty girl doing something else. And also because of that whole, you know, I think it happens in childhood. Guys here more like girls don't fart and stuff like that. You know, because all right, guys are encouraged to be stupid. But then they're like, but, you know, the girls aren't. So some little boys at a certain point actually probably think.

Oh, girls don't fart. Yeah. Well, then they grew up to be men who are like, oh, my wife never poops, grows or brainer. It's like, what? OK, that's so dumb. Oh, you don't fart. How do you marry somebody? I've been sitting here this whole time with my dad glasses on. I know. You're the only. I got glasses. Yeah, I wear mine.

But could you imagine being married to someone and not being able to fart for like 12, 13, 14 years? No, at that point, it's ridiculous. I, you know, you don't fart for a few months. The beginning. Yeah. And then you then you let it loose. Yeah, you let like, oops. And then you're like, hey, I'm going to really let it rip now.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I feel like lately I've been farting and then you try to one up me and then you fart. It's like you you push it out to try to definitely been showing me up lately. I mean, I think the pregnancy is. Yeah. Is definitely your unborn. Yeah. It's your tiny jeans. Tiny jeans is definitely in there doing this thing.

TJ. TJ. Yeah. LJ and TJ is what we've decided on tiny jeans and little jeans. Yeah. Yeah. TJ is definitely cooking out the the jams with you. You know, it's great is that our son is finally picked up on how disgusting we are. He's been looking for boogers and the fart boogers. We've been teaching him all the good stuff. Boobies, fart boobies.

Yeah, boogers. He points at your belly and says, baby. Yeah. And then this morning he pointed at mine and said, baby. It's like, oh, shit. Yeah, it looks like there's a baby in there, but it's not. And he's a baby. Yeah, it's really funny. It's adorable.

Yeah. A cute little kid. He sure is. What else you got? Any clips? I got to tell you what I got right here. Tell me what you guys think about my fart. Comment. Think about my. Psycho.

What do my people comment? What is this? This says Christina's dad is singing. Is your dad saying? Oh, God. Here he is. Is it him? Save.

Saying save alive. He's trying to say staying alive. Oh. His teeth look great. Yeah. All five of those. Those are all good. That's good.

I don't know how this got in here. I really don't. I like it, but I like it a lot. So you think your dad recorded himself and then sent it into Blue Man? Yeah, yeah, definitely. My dad loves to go in the desert and just sing. What an interesting background choice

to sit on in desert rocks. This guy is really doing it. He's had a lot of sun. A lot of other things, too. I don't think sun is his biggest concern. But man, he's probably lived a full life. Yeah, sun. Do you think this is his go-to song all the time?

So the person with the camera is like, do staying alive again. He loves staying alive. Yeah. This is jam. And the way that he does it leads me to think that this is his performance thing, where? Yeah. It's his go-to jam.

Yeah. Oh, those are nice teeth, though. Yeah. You're way to make steady, yeah, good, steady. You're way to make steady. You're way to make steady. You're way to make steady. You're way to make steady.

You're way to make steady. You're way to make steady. Say it later, say it later, say it later, say it later. OK. Ooh, fluos teeth. Yeah, that's crazy. There's one, two, three, four, five. I think there's five.

Is that four or five? No, that's fine. There's a chicklet in the back. God damn, yeah. See, I'm saying one, two, three, four, five. Yeah, it stumps. You can do a lot with five teeth. You ever think about that?

You can't do a lot with five teeth. You can do a lot. Five is a lot of teeth. What can you do with five? You can bite into almost anything with five teeth. Oh, shit. I mean, our baby had five. They're on the pureed stuff.

He can't give me. He can give me a teeny biscuit. It's not what you want. I think you want more. But I think five is plenty. Five too many, huh? You don't need them. You know, one, one is really, is the minimum of what you need.

I know that's obvious, but once you're into five, this guy basically has excess teeth. He could donate. Here's what you need. You need molars. You really only need those molars and the front teeth to bite stuff. That's actually, if you had to do the, like a layout,

a minimal layout, I would say. Ideally two here. And then, yeah, a couple molars. That's it. That's kind of it. Because the rest of them, like, do you, you don't really chew a lot with the, the vampire teeth and with these here.

I feel like they're kind of unnecessary. And then it's a matter of, do you feel like this is what the look you want or not? Well, definitely it's a look. Let's see. Oh, what do you think smells worse? His mouth or his asshole? Oh, mouth, a hundred percent, 1,000%.

There's all types of decay. You know, his asshole isn't decaying. It's just shitty, but this has active bacteria, things that are rotting in and around the mouth. Yeah, it's bad. It's not good at all. It's really bad. How much to French?

I was like sick, sickness and death. How much to French him now? Yeah. I would get, I would tip him if he sang that song though. That's a real bummer. He made up a lot of the words though. He made up all of them, but even staying alive wasn't. Right.

Cause what did he call it? Same, same the mom. I don't know. Was not staying alive. Staying alive, but just stay alive. Save a line. Save a line. Why is he saying save a line?

Okay. Stay not staying, stay not staying. Stay not staying alive. Staying alive. Staying alive, but just stay alive. No. Staying alive. Save a line.

He got the sound of it right. The melody. I don't know. The music video by the way. It's labeled, using language. What? It says. What?

I didn't see it. It says. The video title is using. Tell me. I'm going to pee. Tell me. Tell me. Stop it.

I'm going to pee. Tell me. The name of the video is using lung infection, like instrument. Wait. Using lung infection. Like it's what? Like an instrument. That's the name of this video.

Save a line. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Using a lung. Using an instrument. Stop it.

Stop. That is so fucking funny. It's so horrible. Baby, lie. Here it is. Yeah. I can't. I know.

Save a line. The back of my head hurts. I'm going to pee on myself. Man, music. I think Blue Band titled it that. That's the funniest. That's the hardest you've ever made me laugh, Blue Band. God damn, dude.

That's so nasty. Yeah. So he named these. He names the files, you know. Yes. So this first one's called. Very good. It's called Stand Alive.

This one's called Closer Look at Compers. This one's called He's Got Rhythm. And this is called Using Lung Infection. Like it's. Baby, lie. Man, I'm really not going to laugh. I didn't see it. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Poor guy. Yeah. Poor guy. That's not good. It's like. Lung Infection. What is Dingleberry missing?

Gene? I can't read. Hold on. Dingleberry mishap. Hey, Gene. So I was recently taking a massive brown at Chili's. I thought I shook all my dingles out. But when I stood up to grab some toilet paper,

a berry plopped it in my underwear and splattered. How do I go upon living my shitty life after this brown incident? Most importantly, what would this even be called? Try it out. Piss on me, Dylan. Jesus Christ. My Dingleberry. Like you said, a piece of shit landed in his underwear.

That's what they say. I guess that's what it is. Something beat me. Try it out. Try it out. Try it out. Yeah, I don't know. The Dingleberry plopped into his underwear.

Yeah. It's kind of like when I wipe our son's ass, that happens all the time. Like a piece of shit will fly into the clean diaper or the dirty diaper. Yeah. I mean. I just feel like you got it.

You know what you got to start doing? You got to take those wet wipes with you. Yeah. The worst thing ever, once you have optimum clean asshole at home. Yeah. Like we do with a bidet or the water. What is it?

The water. There's a name. Washlet. Washlet. Once you have that and you have this just premium asshole. I know. You realize that in public, you're fucking, you're an animal. That's disgusting.

And you know, I do think sometimes it's like, I'll try to wet paper. I was working out yesterday at the gym and I had took this, the sauciest, sloppiest dump. And I was in there. I flushed six times on the cleanup. They're probably, it's a small gym. You shit there.

Why don't you just come home? We live around the corner. Because I was about to start working. Oh, it's beginning. Sorry, I didn't realize. So yeah, I just was like, fuck. And I just kept, I mean, I would walk over to the sink, wet paper towels, clean.

It was horrible. It's a lost cause. You got to just throw in the towel and shower at that point. I know. But it was, you know, I just got there and I was getting ready. Well, no, you can't. I know. I'm just saying if you were home was like a shower.

Yeah. I mean, I would suggest doing what Tom said, getting some wipes or just get yourself the washlet or pushy or something like that. They sell the walk around ones for like, when you go out, they sell a pouch with like five. Yeah. It's not a bad idea, bro. I've packed them before because they sent us some.

I forget who it was. I think it was a, what's it called, dollar shaped club. Yeah, they make a good one. So I packed them once and they are great, but you have to get in the habit of bringing it with you. Yeah. It's really necessary. Yeah.

Otherwise you just have a dirty asshole and you have to, you know, I would suggest first of all, if you can put yourself on a dute schedule, yeah, that's what I mean pregnancy aside. What I like to do is I wake up in the morning, I have my cup of coffee and it's like fucking brown lightning. Yeah. I take a shit and then I shower.

I go straight from the toilet to the shower and that way, but this is, this is more about what happens when you're not home. Yeah, I know, but I don't take, I try not to take shits in strange places. Yeah, but you try not to, but you know, this is like, sometimes it happens. Sometimes it does, but you know, let me ask you this.

Let me ask you this. Can you kick my ass? So here's a question. You're a prostitute. Yep. What is, it's work, you know, it's not just doing the, it's not just the sex act, it's really about how do you have your business grow.

In other words, what is your sales pitch when a gentleman drives up and you're a street walker? Okay. What would you say as far as like... You like big tits? Yeah, that's good. To kind of go with your mom. I would go with what stands out most about me.

Okay, let's pull, I'm pulling up. Yeah. I'm looking at the window. Hey baby, you like these quadruple D tits? Yeah. Well, come on, you in a, you want to take a ride on these tits? Twenty dollars.

I don't know what the rate is. Well, yeah. Let's go and get in your car. How much? No, I wouldn't tell the money up front. You have to. Never go with price up front. No, you have to.

What do you mean you have to? You have to so the guy wants to know. He's like, how much is it? Oh, he says how much? How much? You want to come on these tits? Twenty dollars. Wow, that's a good deal, right?

Yeah. Great. And that's how I lure him in. Well, okay, let's go to the hotel around the corner or whatever. Okay. You do your business. That's what I would do. I would lure him in with the twenty dollars, come on my tits,

and then I would up the ante once we're in the room. That's how you shark them. Okay. Oh baby, you want to get inside this vagine? Yeah. I'm pregnant. That's a specialty item too. That's true.

Then I would, you know, then I'll bring him through the menu. Okay. But twenty is. Twenty is the entry point because that's not going to make it. But you have to, you got to, you got to be, you know, you have to be willing to do something for that twenty. He's going to come on my tits. Oh, okay.

He's, that's not enough. No, that's great. That's great. For some guys, that's a big deal. I'm not arguing with you. So here's another pitch. I'm just going to, I was getting your pitch to show you a pitch. Oh, okay.

I got that deep throw scrumptious point on star head where I let the ass, let the balls put that big weight on my throat, choke on the gag on the catch and swallow that nut. It's the best in Chicago. Wow. She rehearsed that. She has that lying down. Yeah.

I wish, well, here's why I'll critique on her performance if we're going to go for like an American Idol kind of thing right now or the voice. I didn't like, I didn't believe her because she was too dead behind the eyes. Right. I feel like. Well, maybe her spirit is broken a little bit from doing this for real. Right. I would have liked to feel more of a connection to her performance,

but I like the words. Now you're speaking as a casting director. That's right. As a performer, performer, performer. Then the guy, he liked that pitch so much. She asked her to say it again. He's like, that's such a great pitch. How are you doing?

How are you doing? I got that deep throw scrumptious point on star head where I let the ass, let the balls put that big weight on my throat, choke on the gag on the catch and swallow that nut. For a high 60, how tight does she want to see? High 60? You want to see it all? That's on the internet.

If I meet you on the street, it's 20. Oh, if I meet you on the street, it's 20. She does that for 20 bucks. In the street. Right. She's like, if I meet you on the street, it's $20. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't go that low for a blow job.

No way. No way. She said she swallows it too for $20. No, no, dude. No. Man. No, no, no. No.

That's pretty wild. Wow. But I do like the rhythm of the, I got that porno star ahead. I do the thing. Yeah, I like that. Well, you could also wrap your menu. You know what I'm saying?

$20 for a street blow job. $40 to take it in the hotel. $60 to get my anal. $8 for the round the world. Whatever the fuck. So maybe you could work on wrapping your fish. Like filet of fish. You know what I mean?

Like that old McDonald's wrap, quarter pounder filet of McDonald's. You have it all laid out. And the guy can pick what he wants from that menu. Sure. But I feel like that's how you low ball yourself. Cause this cheat motherfucker is always going to pick the lowest. Sure.

The key is to get them somewhere else and then upsell. We learned that from the cat. What's that fucking cat ranch? What's that fucking dumb show? No. Dennis, the douchebag with the teeth cat, cat house. Yeah. That those, those sluts were so smart.

They would get the guy in the room and it was, well, here's the menu. Party. They do want to party. Party. They have them the laminated menu, right? Well, baby for $20, I can touch it. But for $40, you could put it in my, you know, whatever.

What kind of party are you looking for? Yeah. And then the best would be the guy would be like, man, I would see this, um, the, uh, just the emotion where the guy was like, yes. And she's like, great. So then for that kind of party, it's 200. And then for this, it's 800. Yeah.

And then he's like, well, I just kind of want to, you know, shove it in your mouth and put it in your bag. And she'd be like, okay. So that's $1200. She's like, um, you could see him be like, sit in the hot tub. She's like, yeah, that's $400. She's like, all right. And then he'd be like, I saw, I have, and she'd be like, cool.

We can sit in the hot tub. We should know. And she would get like $400 for the guy to be like, you got nice suits. Yeah. The best part too is they to always take the credit card before any party happened. Right.

Smart girls. So he goes like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Then the great, give me your credit card. I'll be right back. Wait here, baby. Take your clothes off or whatever. And then she would take the credit card to the madam. The madam would ring it up.

Make sure the credit card was good. Okay, baby. We're all ready to go. And then there was a timer. Remember? Yeah. 30 minutes. Let's go.

Let's party. And then yeah, if they wanted longer, great. Give me your credit card again. And then she'd go out. Always get the money before the trends. When I was home and I did the same thing. What's your pitch? Um, I'd be like, uh, do you like, uh, circumcised cocks and

coming balls? I got it. Um, it's not going to last long, but, you know, like shower today. You want it? It's hot. Yeah. Well you would appeal to the bear, the bear loving demographic.

Yeah. You're a bear. I'm scared. Oh my God. They would tear you apart. Those guys. I know. I'd be like, I'm a new cub.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. Right. Right. They'd be like, yeah, you're ready now. Yeah. Oh no.

That would be, it would be a lot. I would be pretty scared. Should be. Yeah. That's a man. Come on. Yeah. Thank you, sir.

I think all that butt stuff's just got to be so painful. I think so too. The butt stuff, you know, geez. All right, Jean. Um, we got a split. Yep. Got to run. This was a lot of fun.

I like doing these old school ones with you. Me too. I like you. You're my friend. Haven't heard this song yet. Fall. Fall. Fall the diapers.

Hmm. By DJ show. Reference. Okay. All right. Um, thank you all for listening. Please go to your mom's house podcast. Dot com.

Christina P online. Dot com. Tom. Cigarette. Dot com. There's also a store on my site that will take you to our merch store. If you're interested in getting the zip up hoodie.

Not Los Angeles shirt. Not Los Angeles shirt. The mugs. T shirts. There's new stuff coming all the time. Try it out. You know, see if you like it. Thanks.

Bye guys. Bye jeans. Try it out. Yeah. That's expensive. Shit. Yeah. That's fine.

And then you got to do the wipes. You can't just dry wipe the baby's ass. That's another fucking fortune now. $50. Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers.

Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers.

Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers.

Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers. Yeah. That's fine.

Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers.

Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. I've good stuff. Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers.

Yeah. That's fine. Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers.

Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers.

Fuck. Pampers. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers. Fuck.

Pampers. Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. Pampers. Fuck. I can't even use Bi-fuckas- Gr的時候.