Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 440-The Sklar Bros-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 21, 2018

If you want to go on a date with a nice lady follow the lead of this episodes opening clip - offer a lady money to have a family with you.  Plus, the golden duo of comedy joins us in studio. The Sklar bros also known as the Brothers Sklar put it down. Hilarious guys who are doing a LOT is all you need to know. They are also here to talk about their new documentary, Poop Talk, which as you can imagine, is right up our lane. Did the bros involve Tom and Tina in their new doc? You'll just have to listen.  And we ask all kinds of twin questions and these guys are here for it. Lots and lots of laughs with two great comics. 

I Gene Mommy my Show in Atlanta April 8th sold out at the Tabernacle So we added a show Is that a pirate ship that you're doing the show on yeah the Tabernacle pirate ship in Atlanta, Georgia I added a show April 26, so I'm gonna do another one there nice So if you're in the a and you want to come see and that date didn't work for you or you didn't get tickets in time

April 26. I'm doing the Tabernacle again. That's a Thursday It's while I'm filming the movie Doing your scenes doing my scenes boy girl girl boy boy boy boy. Yep. What kind of scenes? I don't know just guy girl guy girl guy girl So yeah, I'm very excited about that I also have added shows in a couple cities where shows sold out I added a show in Spokane in Washington, you know, that's not how you say that

Spoken no sperm can sperm can I added a show there. I added I put two shows up in Huntsville, Alabama Oh, you know, that's not how you say that city Huntsville. Yes, stand up alive. I added a show in Mamaha, Nebraska good at their funny bones. So if you missed out, there's a new show on sale and And of course, I added well, I have shows on West Palm Beach Press Balls Beach And I have an added show in New Orleans, Louisiana. So When are you going when are you going to Press Balls again? I'm going to Press Balls Beach in late August. Oh, geez It's gonna be nice and warm. Yeah, I have Braya also. I put Braya on sale. That's exciting. That's early amaze

What about Eugene where you're gonna be March 30th and 31st Portland, Oregon Adherium comedy club first show Saturdays already sold out and it looks like the other ones are going really fast So if you want to come see me in Portland, Oregon at here, um Get those tickets now and then April 29th Manfriend disco Cobbs comedy club tickets are going for that too May 4th hunt Huntington Beach at the rec room comedy club at Glow Zone and then May 9th ox Nards What's ox? I feel like ox hearts

Cox hards at Levity live tickets at Christina. It's a great club. I haven't done this great I'm really excited to check it out. Yeah, I'm excited to try it out Christine at Christina P. I should change my URL to that Christina Christine And mine of course are at Tom cigarette dot com I think that's it. What else Jean And of course, thank you to everybody that has been getting the new merch there's a bunch of stuff on sale on presale There's waterchamp hats one of me and then one of the false water god is Christine, excuse me. There's ball hog shirts

I Changed my diaper t-shirts and long sleeve crew necks. She's there's the not Los Angeles T-shirts. I have will you be eating in the car the YMH zippy hood? They're all there go to merch method comm slash Tom's Segura and you can see everything sub came machines within moose soup. It's all there a bunch of new stuff Thank you as always for your Support on that you can also go through my site to get there Tom Segura Com just click on the store. Thanks guys. Hey

There it is Jean there it goes. There it goes. There it is there it was Just keep on moving as you like to say I always like just keep on moving I say keep on truck and that's the saying I invented You did not keep keep on Trekking you didn't invent that I didn't nope I feel like I'm a hippie and that's kind of my thing is like whatever Happened that there it goes. We have a lot to get into we have a very exciting podcast today We do we have not one but two guests. Hmm. There's the very first time. We've ever done that unprecedented

Unprecedented maybe the last time we'll ever do our studio doesn't it's harder. No, I know not a reflection on them It's like we have one seat So there can only be one but now we have to do But then I know another duo that has asked to come in that we should accommodate to oh, yeah Yeah, I mean I should tell you off Mike. I think oh What if I tell you and you're like, oh god, tell me time. No, I can't come on. I'll tell you off Mike They're coming All right, let's let's do a proper show open. Let's get this thing going right party. I'm like, oh those guys suck

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I won't do that. Here we go. I'll tell you I'll tell you but come on Here we go. Here we go Hi, I'm Lucas Werner and I want to have kids some day I'm prepared to offer $1,000 to the woman with similar needs that wants to grow out with me to dinner at Churchill's in Spokane So if this is you, please post a video response Detailing why you want to go out with me Oh

Is Randy don't bring anyone Oh Yeah What does he want he wants to have children yeah, but he's offering $1,000 just to go out to dinner. Oh my gosh Is he that do you think he's that bad? No, I think this is a bad idea. Yeah, I think it's a bad video Well, I don't know first things first bad angle bad day You don't want to make a video where you can see the smoke detector on the ceiling That's always the sign of a lunatic is when the smoke detectors in the background

Don't even show it. I mean and also it's unflattering to have the camera below you You want it to be above you or at least even with you sure he's standing over it like anybody want to have dinner with me He's nice He must have really hit some Huge barriers to have to make this video though $1,000 to have dinner with him in Spokane guys We we have fans in Spokane. Please somebody go out with this guy. I mean, you don't get grand. Do you? Hi, I'm Lucas Werner and I want to have kids some day I'm prepared to offer $1,000 to the woman with similar needs that wants to go out with me to dinner

at church hills in Spokane church If this is you, please post a video response Detailing why you want to go out with me Search is it a nice restaurant? I'm hoping that's what I'm saying. Let's look it up church hills in Spokane Let's see. That's kind of a desperate. It's a steakhouse. Oh, well, he's got good taste in food. It's a nice steakhouse. It says, yeah Um, why the thousand dollars? I mean, I think there's a lot of women out there that would love to have a family They don't need a thousand dollars. He's not very nice. He's not that unfortunate looking. Oh, yeah, they got a wine list

They got let's pull up these entrees. Look lobster tails. This is a nice place the steaks our beef is strictly USDA prime Top sirloin ribeye cowboy ribeye Yeah, a fulett house Follett mignons. There's a fancy. This is a this is a high ticket place too. It's $50 for a steak This is a nice joint. You can have cougar gold mac and cheese on the side Sauteed asparagus with balsamic syrup or hollandaise sauce This is very nice. Yeah. Oh beautiful photos Also braised beef tips. I love it. Alaskan king crabs

Now, you know how many hoes he's gonna have Just showing up for this free meal, right stone crab claws here. Listen to me. That's only in season You know how many sluts are gonna show up just to eat for this thing and of course be interested in children I know they're gonna abuse him, but he's he's setting himself up I'll tell you why man because you you're you're leading with the the money to have dinner You can't do that bad idea what you should be doing is just like hey, I'm single Um, I live in spoken. I want to have a family one day, but you know one day What I really want to do is just meet someone is anybody like would anybody like to

Get together have dinner and talk about some of your maybe some of your interests You know fort night or whatever you're playing these days And um fort night What's fort night's video game? Oh You know, I think he should just lead with what who is what his genuine interests are What anyone like to have dinner you can just say that you don't have to mention this church Oh Anyone like to have dinner

I bet you're gonna get a response from someone in Spokane that this single wants to have dinner with you I think you're right because actually money to have dude. His approach is like a rich guy douchebag approach And it's wrong when you think about it. It's like the guy that owns girls gone wild What's his name? Do you know like that's how I imagine that guy approaches bitches like hey, I want this I'll give you a thousand dollars to just show up take it. It's like it's such a douchey thing It's totally douchey to lead with money. Yeah, and to be like You know

If you're you're conflicting what your desire is With how you're getting it because you're saying what I really want is to meet someone And have a family. Yeah, I'll pay you Just to consider me. Oh my life. It's it's you would get off on the wrong here. He says more. Let's see what else he says This guy's really sad. I'm 37 years old and the clincher here Is that my date has to be under the age of 26? I know it's a weird request, but I'm offering $1,000 So I think you can see past the ageism to go out with somebody that is fully prepared to become a father

Oh, wait a minute. This is way weirder than I thought it was so he wants five seconds ago under 26 It's a weird age cut off So they have to be at least 10 years 11 years younger than him Why? I mean, I get you like young, but I mean, why is it that specific? I don't know. So she's a smoke show and she's 28. You're like, you just didn't make the cut a smoke show You know, where did you learn that word from? I don't know about six years ago. I've never heard that Really? I've said it a hundred times in front of you. Smoke show. Yeah, meaning like she's smoking hot. Yeah, I've never

I maybe I've never listened to you talk, but you're also kind of removed from culture and slaying I'm terrible. I don't know. I don't know any of this stuff. I know nana, but smoke show is pretty common smoke show So a shit brick house brick shit house I can never get that one. You always get it wrong. I know why? Because my it's a hangar. It's probably because my mother said it wrong and I heard it wrong So that this guy's not at Joe

Trader it's Joe Martin how you say martyr? Yeah, she said she mispronounced everything, but this is all fucked up now. Yeah You gotta know what's going on See he's a douchebag. I was right. You're right. I I was giving him more credit because he looks sweet the problem is like the look he has is kind of like a doughy software guy Yeah, and you're like this guy could find a nice girl. Sure. That's not hard, but he's now he's like I think you can oversee I'm giving you a grand Here's the thing. What are his what is he expecting that?

At dinner at church hills. He's like so I want a family that should be like me too And he's like do you want to just try to start one? Do you do on a five? That's not how families are started. You don't just have a dinner No, not good. Did you imagine that courtship story to their children? And I put it out on the internet asking a thousand dollars for any ho under 26 I paid your prostitute prone mother to have dinner with me. Yeah your slut mom Uh, free steak is what she got out of the deal. She had children with me and that's it. That's all it took for your materialistic slut mom Okay, he's gonna get worse. Here we go. Why worse? What about me? I want to go and get my AA degree

I am writing a book about Calamari's research that suggests that men between the ages of 35 and 55 give kids from her DNA Oh Associates degree so yeah, but see now I think what he's actually trying to suggest is that He is in The because it's part of his uh research or something. Yeah, that he's in the age group to give better DNA But for creating a family and a child The younger woman would be the optimal. Yes. Oh, I mean biologically speaking

I should have had children at like 16. No, I know perfect But to put it in your ad is is still it's strange. Yeah So he's saying that 33 year old to 50 year old men have powerful jizz the DNA. Yeah jizz I don't think it's jizz. He's talking about what's In the jizz deep in the jizz. Yeah Well, your jizz is very powerful Powerful time. Powerful time. Cigarette jizz. We've made two children off your jizz. It's very true Do you think it's due to your accelerated age? You are 48 years old. I'm not 48

The doctors were like is he 58? I wanted to see Your sperm was very fertile though. We always test your sperm before we had ellis. Yeah Because like yeah, I'm older and then what was your he's like your sperm counts through the roof You have like 20 million. How many did you have in a love? It was a lot It was good. He was like, yeah, you keep nothing, bro He said it like that. I was like that is not medically appropriate. Remember when you jizzed in the Filipino nurse helped you That was so fun. Yeah, what did you say to her? I went in the room And they're gonna make sure I have good jizz and then she's like

You know, she's her eyes are down. She's like Here's a tv here. Here's a remote. Yeah, and you can find some porn on there So they have it set up to watch porn and I was like, oh cool And I go, so do you stay and she was like, no, I can't stay with you And I was like, I'm kidding. I know you don't stay. That was the best. Yeah, but she got she was like, oh Yeah, this is before we had ellis and uh, we just had to hide the plumbing checked out because I'm an old bit I was an old mom old bitch. It was 38. Yeah They read you the riot act at 35 do with it. And you know, it's weird about the jizz when they test your jizz

They go shoot it into this cup. Yeah, make sure your penis doesn't touch the cup. That's like impossible I know and you're like, what do you mean? They're like, don't have it touch Inside outside the rim just have the jizz go right in there and then Then just cover up and how big is the cup? It's a short cup. Is it like a dixie cup? No, no, it's a plastic cup, but it's you know, it's not that deep and it's not It has a big enough opening, but it's just not deep, you know, they should have bigger openings for your dick And they have a specific I remember they were like

Make sure you haven't come within the last 24 hours, but no more Than three days. Oh, because that that's also bad to have it backed up for too long. It's so interesting. That's the oldest Yes, you got to have like semi fresh jizz You know Those are the days those are the days fully no more Here we go. Churchill's is a very nice place. They offer the 65 dollar porterhouse steak Oh my god, that we go out to have dinner and enjoy each other's company

Oh my god, then maybe have further dates and similar restaurants in town because I have enough money to do this All right, we get we get it this dude. This guy's a fucking tool. Yeah, this guy's terrible He's so much worse than I assume. Yeah me now. I hate him. I thought he was like I didn't realize how calculated and just delusional he is. Yeah, I thought he was just kind of goofy like I love I just want to go on a date He's just he's wrong. He's going about it all wrong. Yeah, he might be like asperger's or something where he doesn't understand Well, he sure hasn't blinked a lot since this thing started He probably doesn't understand human relationships. Yeah, I'm guessing he's on the spectrum. He's touched just a little bit touched

Just touched. Are you touched? He's just a little smattering of touching. Yeah, he's touched somehow. He's in disguise now What if you would take me to dinner? You're not a woman. I'm going to smoke hand in May But what if I what if I just do a video I shave I put on a wig and I go I saw your video I'm 24 I love Churchill's. I love steaks And I want a family one day. I like a thousand dollars and I want can you wire it to me before we go

And I like porter houses And then I'll do a little Kind of shoulder shrug. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you think I could be you could doll me up to look pretty enough Never I think you'd be the ugliest woman I've ever seen. Excuse me You would be You could like you could never be transgendered. You would never pass It would take so much surgery because your your shoulders are so broad like you're such a macho looking man The laser alone the lasik on your face to get rid of that beard. Yeah. Oh my god

You have so much testosterone swimming in this body I really think it's rude that you said that you're all man, babe You're a hideous woman. God damn it. Do you think I could pass for a boy? Yeah I could I kind of have like Eastern blocky features and the older I get the more I look like my dad like I'm aging into my dad not my mom No, you don't look like you're dead. Oh, I look terrible. No, I could pass for like A fey kind of guy, right? No, babe. No, you look great like a gay guy. Yeah Yeah, I should dye my hair if you look like that you would look like an ice skater guy

Like all those ice skating guys were like you're like that I that's a guy With those plump rumps that you liked so much plump rumps high cheekbones Yeah, those guys are all straight I could I could almost go on a date with one of those guys. Oh my god Like if they did something with the hair and put on an outfit, they're like Do you want to have dinner? I'd be like sure. Yeah, yeah Because their bodies and the what the suits that they wear

Yeah, a kind of foxy lady bodies and the rumps the rumps are got to die for yeah, I'd be like What's going on? Yeah, they kind of do just some of the wallets to you walk around with that's really thick in the back They do look like just bigger women slightly bigger than the women they're skating with. Yep Yeah, I wonder if they're like the hottest commodity in the gay world figure skaters interesting I know what is the hottest commodity? Yeah, who's the top? Who's the top of the totem pole in the gay world because there's so many like Different, you know, well, it's just what's your what are you attracted to? I think it's the same thing, you know

Because there's the super successful um There's that lane of the executive Who also spends three hours a day in the gym like Andy Cohen like yeah, like bravo tv guy Well, he's super successful top of the gay food chain for sure. Yeah, for sure. He's up there But then there's I'm saying like the super yoked ones, you know, I mean like where you see it's like just all muscles Yes, and you see them, but they're like 50 and you would be like dude, you look amazing

25 Yeah, it's really nuts. There's that but then there's like the the bare lane But those guys aren't I'm no no I'm saying like the objective. Okay, because in the straight world Objectively speaking, you know, the handsome rich guys are the top of the food. I think it's yeah, it's the same thing Yeah, like the jacked the jacked and um, there's degrees the jacked though. Well, I think I think Ultimately the gay George Clooney type. Yeah his top of the food chain and he's also top of the food chain in the straight world

right just the Like the symmetrically good-looking super successful guy. Yeah Yeah, I guess so and in my and the woman's world you have to be like 12 years old like 20, right? No, no older than 28. Otherwise Forget it. Yeah, just hot super hot That's a good thing is as a woman. You just really have to be hot. Yeah, you don't have to have a degree The guys don't care if she's successful. No, it's almost it's actually a hindrance. Yeah No, it's bad and if there's a brain doing your own thing all the time

It's annoying and then the talking if she has a brain you don't want to hear her talking in her opinions That's true. So basically it's a woman. You know, you want to hear her talk You just wanted to hear her say like you're totally right. You're the best. Yeah, I love you. You're so impressive Yeah, god so much easier being a woman. Oh my god, I don't want more quality. This is good the way it is It's good right now, right? I mean Look, the expectations are so low for us It's like if you achieve even more than what's expected of you, you're like people are blown away

I know it's so great for me you on the other hand white guys bar is way too high for you You've invented everything you guys achieve everywhere. It's like I know it's like you have you have a lot going on They're like, you don't have that much going on right like what but for me people are like super impressed by what I got Going like something that big of a deal compared to my husband with white guys I feel like they go if you go this person did this this and this yeah, most people will go that's pretty great You know what this other guy did right? That's always the next sentence Does the other guy He did he did what you did and like 10 other things and he invented penicillin and won the Nobel prizes here

He's elon musk. You ever heard that guy that guy's that's the thing is that the gold standard for men is like elon musk Let's say it's totally different standards. Barack Obama Of course being president no matter whether you like or dislike any president That's an that's an unreal achievement and the female gold standard is like gal gado You just have to be like hot super hot. It's just super talented. She's talented. She is very talented So maybe not even her but the thing about being super hot is you have nothing to do with it You deserve no credit for being super. Of course. No one's saying this is an equal system No, but i'm just saying in general men or women when you're beautiful or stunning gorgeous handsome

You deserve zero accolades. You did nothing. You were just born of course, of course Yes, but that's why being a woman is advantageous in some regards if you're attractive, right if you're a dog Forget it. You got to work You know live like a guy and it's even worse because they don't respect you like a guy Fucked up man In a way, it's kind of good if you accept that you're unattractive as a woman Because you actually start getting treated like a human being Yes, you know like men will be like true. You know

Sorry, I spilled that mustard on you. Anyway, you know, it's like they they just treat you like a guy. Let me get you a beer and like They don't Treat you like a puppy. I treat you like a person. Yeah, that's true I would say in my 20s. I was treated like Totally differently and then you you age into being a person Yeah, when you're in turn 40 as a woman and you're like, oh, this feels so much better Like i'm being treated like a like a not like a meat and the big fuck up with a lot of women

Is that when they're in their 20s? And they're being treated special and they're attractive if they don't have The foresight that in the the ability to see that that will change Then when they age 30s and 40s and 50s They go through their own self-imposed trauma. Yeah, true true through a trauma Yeah, and they don't know how to adapt and this is when you see certain women go crazy. Yeah, they go crazy with surgery Yeah, they go crazy with philosophy They go philosophy. They're philosophy on life. Oh, I thought you meant they're reading heidegger now

No, they're not reading heidegger. They're saying that like they have conspiracy theories about this and that Yes, they start to become wacky. Yeah But the women who have uh A real head on their shoulders go like, oh, this is a time in life And then there's another time. Yes, and I need to not just rely on the exterior Well, I think that's great good counsel for men and women. Yes, you know, listen the the outside fades glory fades beauty fades No one looks amazing at 70. We're all gonna look like shit anyways. You may as well develop a nice personality, right? Yeah, and interests

You may as well be a good person. Jeez. Yeah Well, I like that we just broke down all of society. That was really good Well, the reason we were talking about it is because we were watching an interesting show about society You I have to give you full credit for this. Thank you. You have an ability Thank you that I've never seen in anyone else For would you rather's the best would you rather's you've ever heard on this show? Christina came up with I don't know how your mind works. Thank you your diabolical Evil twisted truly psychopathic mind works

Uh and also to find these fucking shows That are Horrific and fascinating and I can't turn them off. You're welcome. This one you're welcome Is it age gap or love gap? I think it's love. I believe it's age gap on netflix. Okay Yes, I do feel as though I'm drawn to the truly depraved. I like to find these shows that really Make you feel gross inside. It's called age gap love age gap love Yes, so this one's a it's a British show to be finished. We talked about recently that we finished love after lock-up Which I just didn't think could be topped. It's so fucking fantastic

And that's a show where ultimately what we walked away with is we have much greater empathy for the felons that have been released Into society then these sad souls that insist on dating them and and Basically manipulating them to be how they expect them to be Once they're out of prison. It's it's all about control. It's like I want to hold this person hostage They're in prison. They're not going to cheat on me. They can't do anything wrong And then when they get out this immediate push to marry because they want to keep my lockdown even more It's so sick. So with this show It's about people who are dating or married

I think they're actually all married and on the show married Who we just finished episode one so you can join right along with us Who are married and there is a significant age gap Between the two people these are married people at the show was filmed all in the uk And they're all hideous. They are horrifically unattractive. I mean the ugliest human beings on earth Jesus christ love these people have age gaps in between them. I think perhaps as little as 18 or 20 years as much as 40 years in between them

uh, we have a 80 year old woman and a 40 year old man Who I was like something's wrong with this guy and then he was like something is wrong Because he was like I fell in love with her. I lived at home until I was 30 I enjoy playing the organ. You're like this guy's touch too. Something's wrong. Something's off with this guy And then he comes in his goofy ass fucking sweater. She's like You're you're pullover. How about you? He's like, I love this pullover I have my own problems

It's got pink in it and my jumper. It's so bad. Then there's the our favorite Is the 74 year old man who drumroll just became A father for the seventh time right seventh time right seventh child. He's five adult. He has five adult children Who the oldest is 52 get your life and then he's on baby number seven He's 74 Which I don't know as a father and as an expectant father the idea That i'm gonna be 74 and do this

You see this with rock star mc jagger's done this and no john stamos was on the cover of people I was having my ultrasound in fifties. Yeah, and and people are celebrating him like a new dad at 55 Like why are we celebrating this douchebag? You're an asshole. You're a fucking total selfish piece of shit You are setting your kid up to not be around. Yeah, like Chance at the me, of course, you're like, well, what if I do live till i'm 100? Okay, not really it's possible But you think like you're guaranteeing that well not these english motherfuckers because the guy who's 74 He runs a pub. So his face is bright red. He drinks every day. He looks eight and a half months pregnant Got one of those it looks like there's sex topless in me. It's hard and round

Like kate from john and kate. Oh, he looks terrible. He looks fucking terrible He's not living the life that's conducive to living no, then there was the other guy I mean at least he's not having children and he really looks like dog shit with they all look like fucking dog shit But then he's he fucking he's like, oh Uh Lost my breath and she's like sit down sit down So he just loses his breath every few minutes just standing. Yeah, just standing and and of course He's gonna he's gonna die by episode two. I know for sure

Yeah, but these people having kids at that age are such assholes. Yeah, because I don't care There's one there's one couple that there's two couples that anger me It's the one who the woman was 40 and she hooked up with a 16 year old Of course that is a illegal. He's a child. It's wrong. Yeah, so that's fucked up. That's abuse. It's abuse It's not okay And then there's that the couple that have children the 74 year old guy in 30 only and that fucking 16 year old By the way, maybe when she was 40, I can see if you're 16, it's enticing but she turned in to a full on Bassett hound I mean she is

She is woof woof brigade. It's not good. It's not a dog pound as you say. Oh, yeah, they're all barking They're all dogs though. What are you talking about? Even the guys are dogs. They're all fucking dogs, dude Yeah, it's bad. Uh, but what's my favorite is the elderly lady She she had a husband for 50 years and on the deathbed the husband said to go find a toy boy It's what they call them in england. I get not a boy toy And she has she wears this cleopatra eyeliner And she has white white white white hair and what tom? Oh, yeah, she's got um

Triple h. Yeah tits big fakers big old fakers, which is fine. She's actually, you know, she's she seems fun Yeah, but during the the episode she's got these crazy triple h tits She's like, I think I want to go get bigger tits and goes to the doctor and you see you're getting examined He's like, I really don't know that you should You tits are enormous because he goes the skin is sagging already So you're gonna have these these cantaloupes that you can't even hold Up, I think the worst thing has to be because I mean, I'm at a certain age now And I'm okay with it. It's got to be

Horrible to resist and resent your aging. I I think that's gonna be what I one thing I don't I don't give us so much I don't care so much about the physical appearance of me aging I'm worried about not being able to do the things I want to do that that bothers me like rock climbing and all I love rock climbing karate all these things I do scuba diving just like jumping out of bed quickly Or going up the stairs without worrying about my hips breaking. Um, you got a long time Hopefully for that to worry about just doing Pilates Like I was listening to Jane Fonda talk about and she was like the workout queen, you know And she still works out

And she was asked like, well, how do you work out now? And she goes well very slowly and very carefully even though she still does like stuff like that kind of bums me out We were like, well, I have done this thing now. I've been doing weightlifting with a trainer and now As opposed to just a few years ago I do a ton of warming up before I lift I don't go like I used to just walk in and be like just pick it up and go I have tweaked and just kind of hurt things so many times now that I make it

A 20 minute process before I do anything of significant weight which is smart Well, which is gonna I think it's gonna get worse obviously as you get older, you know So you have to get your body ready for that shit, but I'm not so much worried about that I'm saying that like when you're Like when that lady's like 75 or something the tits one the big and she's she's essentially like I gotta be hot You're like, but you're you're 76 years old. You're not in that category anymore, dude. Yeah And she's you know always wearing tight and revealing things and it's like just be old

Just be like a really good looking older person. That's fine to be dignified for your age is fine But you can't buy that love you can't buy being You know distinguished or well because the thing is I mean, you know, I've talked about this before Especially like let's say women in their 40s in my age Uh, you can get all the Botox and all that shit in your face. You don't look younger You just look shinier And weirder you never really look younger because of this crap that you do right you just look weird So you choose between looking shiny or looking

Your age. Yeah, it's like okay, and you're not fooling anybody. You really aren't fooling people There's not a lot that are you're definitely not fooling anyone unless your doctor drew that guy looks fucking amazing God damn. Yeah, he's like jacked and his face looks great, too I bet I bet he has some secret doctor formula. He's not telling us. Yeah, he's doing doctor shit for sure Yeah, he's doing doctor shit. We're gonna get him aside one day. He'll be like, oh, I didn't tell you guys I've been doing secret doctor shit. Yeah, I drink blood. Mm-hmm. He's a vampire. It's children's blood Virgin blood Gene, you know, I gotta tell you that I have a dental update

um, I'm not excited, but you know, I eat all night because I'm a pregnant lady and I think it's given me a cavity Really? Yeah. I'm experiencing pain on the right side. You did say you had pain sensitivity to hot and cold and sugars I'm gonna have to do it. It's you know what though? I'm we're so busy That's a problem, but I know I have to do it and I'm gonna do it because we believe in going to the dentist It's it's the most important thing you can do for us. Of course I have a dental update from uh, kaffia from nastyville, Tennessee. Oh Yeah, hi mommies. I just went to the dentist for the first time in nine years. All thanks to you

I avoided it for so long because when I was 17 a dentist cut all four of my wisdom teeth out Well, I was wide awake with no anesthetic. What and then what wouldn't give me painkillers because I was a minor Okay, but I hiked my genes all the way up and faced my fears I was so sure they'd tell me to throw my whole mouth away But what I need is a full mouth Debridement debridement to clean plaque build up Eight fillings for tiny cavities in the molars and a night guard because of my grinding I have a few chips caused by the grinding that the doctor is going to fix for free

All of it will be about 200 with my insurance. Thank you for your dental shaming Kaffia from see we're helping people here gene. Well through shaming. Yeah, I mean shaming works There's no reason not to take care of your your feats. I know I got my own I'll tell you what's going on with me. It's it's I mean you think you have a cavity There's a couple of things a I need to get a new mouth guard for you do it's been a few years now And it looks kind of not so it's a little worn. Yeah. Yeah, that's a nice way of putting it It looks a little worn You know what though the preventative cost

Is less than when you let it build up for nine years 10 years 15 years You know, I mean like going now to get this tiny little paying like what a hundred bucks to get this filling done now Versus the root canal and then the replacement too. It's like I'm due for a cleaning too. That's another thing I gotta do one or I call after this and we'll set up our appointments. We'll go together You want to go together hold hands have a whole dental day. Yeah, you know what we do when I get my teeth clean I just listen to the podcast. Yeah, I listen to other people's shows not ours, but Yeah, let's bring your bring your podcast bring your mind with you. What are you listening to lately? I love obviously the jre. That's always in there. Yeah, uh leanne christier's new podcast

Wife of the party. Yeah is out. So that that's kind of interesting. I love hearing bert's wife talk about their life Yeah, that's good. I love dr. Drew always on drew and the mental illness happy hour with paul gilmart martin Who we had on the show. Yeah, fantastic. What are you listening to? Are you listening to a podcast? Not really. No, I haven't heard many. I mean sometimes I check I check out joe's I'll scroll through who because he gets just amazing guests, you know, oh my god So I'll just find there's going to be someone on there who's interesting that I want to hear about so I'll go through that and sometimes, you know, it'll be marron Um, oh, yeah, marron's always home. I'll just see like who I find interesting to listen to a lot of formats

I can't handle on other podcasts, you know Yeah, like what bothers you I don't know just if they have like their own Is is easily what somebody could not like about ours Like if they have their own weird format that I can't get into out of the gate Yeah, I mean I was I checked out a couple good ones too. I mean I checked out pod save america. It's very political But you know, they get into it right away, which is an easy way to listen to a show. I think, you know I don't like I don't like podcasts with too many like corny

Gamey segments where they're like, which one of these people is it like I don't I don't fucking care too many mics is also a problem. Yeah, I don't want to hear six people on a pod. That's the alternative immediately Uh, you know what I really fucking hate when the two hosts at the top, uh, don't just get into it and they're like Hi And you're like, how many fucking highs are we getting? I know like a lot of establishing highs Yeah, yeah, you know who your fucking co-host is you guys have been doing the show for years get into it My uh, my dad wrote a porno. That one was good. Oh, I'm not even heard of that. That one was really good My dad wrote a porno. Yeah, this guy this british guy's father wrote an erotic novel

And he and his friends get together and read a chapter That was really funny I really enjoyed that But yeah, why don't we set up a and then you know what we can tell our listeners right now Join us. Let's all set our next dental appointment. Yes together today. Let's listen to you as you listen Call your dentist get your teeth cleaned. Should we uh, take a quick pause since our guests supposed to be here any moment? Yeah, probably easier to do it now. Yeah, all right. We'll be right back. Hopefully when we press record again We'll be with guests All right, and just as I promised

Before we took a quick break. We're back and we're being joined by not one But because of their own demands two guests what yeah, which is a first for this show It's always it's in our podcast writer. It's in the writer. I said you have to have us both on We have like a lengthy writer Don't look us no eye contact. Yeah throughout the entire thing. Yes. Yeah, you guys are known to be jerks kind of You can look at my tits though. You can look at them the whole time. I when I when you talk to me I'm like, hey, I'm down eyes down here. I'm down here They go by the bros. They say always just say they always lead with like call us bros or don't call us at all. Yeah

Yeah They go by the joke bros. The joke bros are here the funny bunch By the way, okay, so I should say the slaw brothers, of course, we are there are the slaw brothers. They are comedians They have specials. They have Great pot you have more than one podcast to podcast dump people town, which you've done is you will dump people is really fun You're coming on. You're coming on. Of course. Of course And then view from the cheap seats, which is sports and comedy But we took a deeper dive into sports, which is actually really fun. Um, but sports too

You guys are uh, we're known even before obviously the podcast. You guys had espn show Get a show at espn called cheap seats. Yeah back in the mid 2000s. These are michigan men if I am yes, you are correct We just won the big 10 tournament. What a great day at it. Good feelings. Good feelings. It was like that Harbaugh's gonna come through dude. It's gonna work out eventually come through. You're wearing like michigan colors Do you think it's on accident? No Yeah, I did it for you But before we get too far out of the way and I know we'll get sidetracked with a bunch of stuff One of the main reasons you came on besides the fact that we are thrilled to have you and we love you is that you are promoting a new

Movie that I think is gonna really click with our audience. Why would you think that? I will let you go ahead and tell us the name of your new documentary. Well, first of all All right, it came out last week. All right. It's called poop talk. It's a documentary about poop Why is this something that everybody does but people really don't talk about it? Yeah, you guys talk about Talk about it. You guys talk about and your fans talk about it quite a bit You were telling me you will love this you will love this movie So it is people talking about it. Although we released it in the last couple weeks We're like we should have called the movie the brown panther. That was a

Shape of toilet water Lady turd lady turd would have been great. Thank you It's like the week after you shoot your special and then you're on stage. There's no pressure and you're like, why didn't I ever say it this way? I got this. I'm so good now. I understand what the bit's really about. Yeah, uh, get it out. It would have been fun Get it out. Get it out. Come on. That's so many There's so many so it's called poop talk because I mean truthfully as we were naming it We as comedians wanted to give it like a clever name. We're like, we should call it fecal matters, you know Another good one, right? Wow. Wow. And and then every or we said talking shit or shit talk or whatever

But the people who were kind of an eddy f would sue you but yeah, I get it. Yeah, he would well He'll sue us anyway. Yeah, because we did one college last year. He's gonna sue us and we're a huge in austria I love eddy. So wait a minute. So take me through the origin of I mean We're already but like how does the idea like the idea come to let's make this it was not our idea Our friend who we went to camp with who's actually a really smart filmmaker said came to us with this idea two years ago and said I want to do a movie Uh about the history of poop and I want just you guys to help me produce it. I'm fascinated. So here's the thing

You know how with every one board. I'm sorry to cut you off. Yes every comic, especially You talk about there's certain wheelhouse topics that you know, like like make them smile light them up So if you say, you know, you could talk about like I'm definitely If it's Sex dirty dirty talk, you know dirt old school dirty jokes. Yeah, that always makes me go. I go like yeah Yeah, tell me tell me tell me and murder and murder but uh murder is fantastic 100% through the More than 12 years that I've known christina if you if somebody says and then someone took a shit over there

She's like what she starts laughing Giddy Girl, it's her favorite. It is my favorite. I actually have to pull back from writing so many poop jokes in my act I've had other comics be like, whoa a lot of poop jokes Once you've had a baby like it just like everything comes out when the baby comes out. Oh, yeah Other people's shit comes out of you. Yeah, it's like all sorts of stuff comes out. So wait So your friend secrets our friend So our friend said I wanted to do this day and we said I don't

Think we can do this movie because I don't know that we can handle this the way We just weren't sure that we can handle it And so he said don't say no think about it over the weekend Tell me the movie you'd want to make and we were like, all right If we get funny people to be honest about how they feel about it and try to make an honest film It'll still be funny and if we get at like why is this something that obviously you're comfortable talking about it We're comfortable talking about it as comedians, but why are why do everyone? Why do we pretend? We don't do it? I mean, that's just it's an insane that there's like we've passed when you think about sexual stuff

You've passed so many tab what used to be taboo is like That's like way way Although I do feel like we're swinging back around the cul-de-sac to a more Victorian era Yes, the puritanical millennials are calling them Yeah, puritanical millennials or you know, just the entire movement of like, can I put my hand on your hand? Yeah, is this going too far and you know what I like this is a job interview. So you can't I didn't experience this in the past 10 years, but this year

I have never had Such strikingly different sets blowback indifferent. I'm saying saying you can do a set In two different venues. Yep, and feel like you did them 30 years apart. Yes That that I've never had before where I'm like because you're like, I know this material works I do it everywhere and I know exactly where the lab points are gonna I've done them 30 minutes apart where I've been in a venue in Los Angeles done a set Eight shit to a point where I'm like, I don't even know if I know how to do stand-up anymore And I'm scared by by the reaction that I got and then drive to another place do the same set and have it like just work great

Yeah, well, what's interesting. I mean, I'm always a big I think that's a great thing Like we should always be staring into the abyss of our own career saying like how the fuck we're gonna do What's next? Yeah, because I can't trust people who just are always their ascension of course straight up I'm like, not that I can't trust them, but I have nothing in common with that person Yeah, because you always have I feel like you are a better comic and you're a better person when you say like I mean, that's why actors who who rise up Don't lose touch with reality. But when you're a comedian you put yourself out there. You stand on the stage To live or die on the stage

On saturday night in detroit and it was a show for the like next generation jewish federation 800 people with this big beauty of the film Or I'm sure you probably played the show in downtown in detroit. Yeah, nice nice place beautiful venue And I thought 25 to 40 year old jewish people. We're gonna like light it up We'll just live in the pocket of our material and they said you motherfucker. You exactly So open with that And then goes with that But I was like and again with material that we've been doing this material. We know it work

We know where it's gonna do what it is and uh It was definitely like rough sledding rough. We were we were slugging it out with these people And I literally at one point were to be like, what are you guys doing? You're here for fun And here's the here's the truth, man. The worst I I'll say it from myself as somebody that we live in a progressive City, we all are pretty liberal minded people. The ultra liberals are the worst comedy ever

I don't know if even they're terrible. It was hard. So I mean they have no sense of humor Well, they don't know like part of what we do is cross lines. You want to cross? Yeah, that's the fun part I mean you almost have to set up. Yes, but if the audience laughs you haven't crossed it You've just found that lovely edge. It's right. You know what? I mean like we say where is the we were we were hosting the final draft awards Okay, final draft the writing. Oh, yeah Thing and there was and there was it's still around and they would give these lovely awards out And it was at the paramount theater was about 500 people there. It was really cool And we're like, okay, let's bring out the trophy where's the line?

Let's bring out the trophy so you can see it that was in our beautiful woman who comes comes out You're like, can we please have the trophy girl out here? I'm like, that's maybe a little too offensive knowing the audience Let's color what she really is trophy wife So that was a joke and that's fine. We knew that was gonna be okay, but then I said listen You know, I'm sorry. We're sorry for that joke and we're sorry to her. I said, I'm sorry For everything that Hollywood has done and probably will do to you So I was like that they didn't like that But I was like, you know what? I don't give a shit the first thing worked and that's all that I really care about

But it was it's just again fine. That's what we do as comedians is Those people start to get when they're at show start having such an awareness of Like they want to be right rather than have fun. Yeah I mean it goes both ways. It's like, I mean the crazy thing is we have material in our show that is Anti, you know anti-trump. We tell how we feel about things if you're being yourself You're up in Rochester and we kind of present the topic out there and like half the people don't want to hear what we just had to say And we're like, all right. Well, you're jumping on board with us because we'll actually make a point that even if you support the guy

You can't deny that we're right that we're wrong on this. We're right But it's interesting that we're what we're all saying it sounds like everybody's divided There's two kinds of comedy audiences now It's a split much like people who support trump and don't like I think the country is just divided right now It did although we just did a project that Is also it's coming out on audible It's like an audio book and we went we're jumping off the other poop. We're jumping off the poop But they're moguls. They're moguls. They're like we do this. We have that project moguls

Tiny little bumps at the bottom of a ski run. That's what kind of moguls. Yeah, that's what kind of moguls we are And so like we so anyway, it's about you know, you guys go into a town We try and experience as much as we can in that town and then write comedy about it. So we set the challenge Plainlands on thursday if you're doing thursday friday's night shows Can we write 10 minutes of material about the town that we're in and that's your guys like self-imposed? Yes, we did this on this project and so like local material that then speaks to a larger broader So it's an audiobook. It's each city's a chapter and like they follow us from the second We land throughout the making observation of the feeling each chapter is about 35 minutes long 40 minutes long and so

You know, he's basically three documentaries in one what it's like to be comedians at our level traveling around right now I I grouped you Then what it's like to be in those cities right now, what is what is Denver dealing with right? How has weed changed ever can gay people still live in san francisco? They can't because they've been priced out by tech bros What's Kansas city grappling with right now like how like what's houston like after the hurricane? We were there after the hurricane and then after the astros one like what are they? What's their mindset?

So it was so it was all that and then it's about what it's like to create a joke like how do you Observe something in the moment like when we were up in buffalo. We did this like a long time ago I didn't know that rick james is buried in buffalo. Hmm fucking buried above how that should be on their airport Yeah, it's like welcome to buffalo rick james is buried here, bitch So we go out to his to be a statue We go just a guy forcing a woman to smoke Beating a woman with a crack bite. Yeah, so we go to his grave and we're like and taking the audio at the grave And it's insane. We're walking out to this grave and there are people at the site

I'm just like you doing they're like hawaiian laze Rest because I guess nobody repped hawaii better than rick james And they're like empty beer bottles and stuff and we're like what was artfully placed here Versus what just blew from the highway and that is probably a better the best metaphor for the guy's life Yeah, yeah, it's like his trash was also going on to other people's. So this is an audiobook that's coming out audio So it's on auto. It's called sclars and stripes and I've gathered so far from you guys being here with us. You guys are lazy. Thank you really Lazy motherfuckers get your shit together

And then you guys will love this as we pulled six minutes out of each of the 10 cities and we made a comedy album So the comedy album's gonna go as well and each track is like just Tulsa, Kansas City So it's just a different way to do comedy album. So that the crazy thing about that is the first weekend We did was san diego american comedy company the weekend after trump got elected So that was bat shit crazy. And then the next 13 months was going around to kansas city St. Louis Madison, you know, houston. These are not all blue state. We're not all going. They went to portland Yes, we went to san francisco, but san diego is a little mixed

Went to a lot of different like I did Louisville the week that he was elected And what did you do? You did like a theater? No, I did I did the club. I did the club there What's the club in louis laughing derby? I don't even know if it's still doing it or not But it was the week of and that's a blue city in a red state Correct, but for the shows is definitely mixed. Yeah, but what I learned that week And this is like the week of like he got elected Tuesday That was our weekend in san diego for for my show, which I'm like, I don't I didn't have a Lot of political stuff stuff, but like when I brought it up

Everybody was like Can we just talk about something else and then and so I would we would you know I would joke around about a couple things But as soon as I just moved on everybody was like, I'll thank like you could tell that they were just like They're over it. It was a little bit that week. San Diego though was worried like we got into the wall We're like shit walls coming. Well, do you want to whether you fucking want it or not? We're like, what do we do with it? We said you got to have fun with it rock climbing wall on our side Let's see on our side. I'm gonna let you do it on the other side

You want to help them over the wall? And then we said if you put a rock laying wall on our side, you could book your kid's birthday party down at the wall Where are you kids having a bread down at the wall? Fucking go ahead and then we said on the other side of the wall for 200 yards up to the wall It should be the american ninja warrior course Yeah, mexico because if you make it through that you just deserved to be an american citizen on the spot That's hilarious. That's a great idea. That's how they get our citizenship Not only do you come an american citizen you already own your own crossfit gym small business owner and so then that

This is great. So so we wrote that that weekend that we were there We're like, okay, this is what's on our mind and this what's bothering us and this We were feeling very helpless and frustrated and we're like this is gonna come no matter what Maybe some people will are going to be psyched about it. Maybe they won't but if we can make the whole room laugh Then we've done something in this moment. Everyone's laugh even if they're laughing at something that's not political Okay, and you have read like that weekend like you said you did the rest of your set the rest of your set They're laughing that what you're saying to them essentially without them even knowing it is hey, you guys have stuff in common Like let's let's the whole room's laughing at his uh old sex jokes

Yeah, and the whole room that you made a room full of people Who probably if you weren't talking would be yelling at each other, right? You made them come together and laugh and that is what we truly that's like the beginning point I do believe that that is the beginning point. Hey, we have stuff that we can all laugh about let's let's start there and then obviously we disagree on other things but It was that was fascinating. So that's called sclarsen's drive. That'll be out on april 5th on audible But it was a fascinating thing and I think his stand-ups you guys totally can appreciate The other thing is you go on the road and I know it's it's hard because you guys aren't together

Do you travel together sometimes? No, so you go separate places. Yeah, you get out there It's very easy to get isolated and just stay in your hotel and that's what I do Really the whole time you just stay there. You just jerk off the whole time. He does. I just I order room service I eat no, I I feel like it's got you start to um, what is it like? You know retract into a dark place. Yeah the week is long So like, you know the Isolate this is my favorite. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but you don't bring someone to open for you. No, I do So what happens? But even then I a lot of times they're like, you know, they'll text me. Hey, what do you want to do?

And I'll be like just leave me alone But then you know I'll bring the opener who will leave me alone. Yeah, that's the guy I picked He's gonna leave me alone. That's like the person with a heart condition who can't walk up hills They're like, I'm just not going to walk up that good. Yeah, you are you're coming with me You're conditioning yourself to the point where you're like, I don't need to go that way But now it's been it's enough years of touring where I'll recognize that it's not Healthy. So what I'll do is I'll I'll tell the person like we are having lunch

And like seeing a movie or doing something tomorrow Like I'll be like so for the next half leg of my tour, tony robbins is opening. Yes That's who I want. He's gonna motivate me to get my ass up Because sometimes you go, you know, it's like day two or three and you're just like, god damn it And just the act of leaving The room and doing and it could be the most monday. It could be coffee at the corner. You're like, oh, this is better I'm not just sitting in the room So so when we were getting out and then so we would put it on us to like write this stuff

We were like and with the crazy thing about this this we did it in rochester And we weren't even doing it for the project. So we were in rochester this past weekend And we're like, oh, let's see how much material we can write about rochester and the guy who you know Open for us was really cool and we were like and and we brought our buddy up from new york who featured for us So we're like, all right We're like a four man because when we go if I like a descending on a town like you're a band Yeah, yeah, I mean we're like we're gonna go do this and we're gonna do this We're gonna go out afterwards and we're gonna do this because for us

We're like if we're away from our kids and our families we're already getting shit for being away from home I am not gonna have a bad time Right. I want to enjoy myself because the amount of flak i'm getting for being away Never heard of that. You never you don't get anything She does not give you any flak whatsoever. Especially when i'm five months pregnant and he leaves. It's totally fine. It's fine It's just gonna be fun. You can handle it. You can handle it. I'm talking about something else I mean, it's all nice. The good news is that your son's not a handful either No, he's at that age where he's just self-sufficient. He's never likes to let him be never likes to take your lipstick out and write on the walls

It's easy and it should be fun when number two there comes out Even easier with the second child talking about guys who have two kids. Oh, yeah We're we're i've got 10 a 10 year old and a 12 year old I just dropped my 12 year old off yesterday. You want to talk about like moments? I just dropped her off yesterday At the roller skating rink for like a just her and her friends That was such a moment. I literally was like About to cry and then michigan won the big ten tournament. I was like

Oh, there is a guy and I was like whatever happens to her is fine. Let me uh, just don't get stabbed Let me ask you this. Do you like your life christina? Oh my god, we witnessed that once we witnessed a couple who invited us over And it was uh, they're older than us Nice house very nice house like very successful. Yeah, and um, we were new, you know, like a new cup like a new No, we had we had no no kids. Yeah, and we're just sitting there and they're serving like this nice It's like a late lunch and they have they invite a couple other neighbors over and they have this big nice house and then she she

Uh Start telling them. She's like jesus. She's like look at your body She's like you're really like you really have let yourself go and i'm like taking a To her husband in front of you guys all of us strangers were like one and and then i'm like, oh my god The hat he let himself go. I just want to know dude. No really i would pay So he had he had first of all, he had four pack abs dude. Yeah, he was an all american in college at a division all american douchebag Nailed it. So he just looked like a

Like a 55 year old dude lightly added. Yeah, but like not bad didn't look bad Okay, and then great for 55 and he swam every morning. We heard him doing his fucking laps of five in the morning So can we just say he looks great for 55 average for 36? Yeah, yeah fine So she said you really let yourself go. Yeah, and you guys go because i think if he took like a big serving It's just because jesus you're gonna eat all that and he was like She's like i mean you should have seen what he looked like when we got married didn't look anything like this Jesus christ And then i like put uh

I put like a spoon i'm like i guess i'll have small portions today All right, she shamed you and then yeah, and then we just kind of you know, she says that mouth He goes let me say i mean i see this do you like your life? Do you like living here? How do you like your life? Yeah, and i was like, you know, did you add one point as you're really like he's got a point Yeah, oh, yes, of course. Do you like your life? Of course because she didn't nothing her children were grown and Deliving a home. She didn't like her life Yeah, that is the answer Well, i mean to me and you guys were talking about the olympics on a previous episode

I mean that is and this is i love when anybody started this is why i love your podcast because it's like deep deep Relations we were talking about why we love your podcast is great. Okay, and well here's what it is Yeah, you can talk about you're both funny. That's it. That's the end of the that's the end That's the beginning of the end of the thing no It's not it's not a funny guy with his wife who's also along for the ride or a hilarious woman with her dumb husband Right, it's like you guys boo you guys both Attack it on a high level and your relationship is so great. I ran and i were like Can we ask them at some point today during the podcast if they would open their relationship up to just the two of us

Can we just be just just hang in the bar with you guys? Yes, of course And let me just ask you both. Do you like your life? Do you like your life? You guys have to commit to family dinner I can do that. I fucking love I just love how you guys talk to each other Even if this is the only time you talk to each other like this. No, no, this is normal. I love it so much It's actually like the healthiest It's like joyous Do you want to know why why because we talk about pooping in front of each other?

That's it It comes back to our movie Come back to poop talk, which I can I just lament that we have you guys in the movie It's very upsetting. It is so upsetting. I'm gonna get out in front of this apology You know, here's the thing. I first we had dinner a few weeks ago with uh, brian volkweis. Yeah, who Yeah, and in charge of and he goes, oh, you know He goes, I have this uh, we have this documentary talking it up Hey, yes, he goes. I have this documentary coming out. You're gonna love it and I go. What is it and he goes? It's about, uh

Poop and I go it's a poop documentary. He's like, well, it's like a bunch of comedians though Talking about people and I'm like my heart sinking. I know. How would we not invite you? You don't invite us talk about poop. We absolutely should have but this is literally the studio that poop built This is we're in a poop building right now We when we make the sequel number the deuce the deuce You guys are all over it. Wait when your friend tells you you you think about it And we said no, I don't think we can do this because I don't know if we can do this the right way You know truthfully, but then we we came back to he said think about how you if we could get comedians

I mean there was no budget and we had like a day to do it I guarantee you by the way, if we would have asked you guys would have been gone out of town But I'm not trying to you totally possible I mean because we had like a day to shoot or two days to shoot But it was one it was one of those things where we called the improv and said can we film here during the day? Yes, they gave us a fair price and helped us. That was was amazing. We pulled a bunch of people in We brad williams is a comedian who I love who's in the film. He's so funny. He was not someone we thought to ask He just happened to be at the improv that day. He's like, what are you doing? We're like, we're making a movie about poop

He said I said, do you have a story? Just for the hell of it and he was like, I have the story and I was like, do you want to hang you know his story? I don't know his story. I'm like, I'll do the setup for it and then you have to watch the movie Okay, he tells by the way, I think the centerpiece story of the movie and we didn't we didn't even ask him to be in the Movie and he just just luckily there So he goes into a public bathroom at a restaurant to take a shit and he's like it was a club Maybe I don't know wherever it was. He said the Yeah, it's like I guess I have to use the handicap stall because he's a little person

It's a little yeah, he's dwarf comedian dwarf comedian his way. He describes it and so he's but he's got big ideas guys Yeah And he's very sensitive. He would never use. Oh, no, no, no, no, no He's like I go into the bathroom. I go to take a shit and I'm I guess I'm the one who's supposed to use the Handicap stall so I'm gonna use it and he gets in there and the toilet is somehow higher than a regular toilet So he's got a get-up on and he's as he describes like the Parallel Blair Well, can we take a look at the trailer just for a moment? Yeah, like let's just see. I mean, I don't know if it's uh, it's in it

You're gonna be mad. You're gonna be mad. Let's see Don't yell at us I just hated pooping so much that I figured poop is Access food or whatever oscar loser. It was for years We're trying to eat the right amount funny on the Oscars last but then I would still poop People clock my restroom visits because somebody'll see me go into a bathroom and be like, oh, that's the guy from modern family And then be waiting for me coming out. It's like my gosh. That's like, I'm glad I don't he's at that level. They'd be like, whoa Five minutes in there

It has this very powerful disgust biology associated with it and then the culture reinforces all that with shame and embarrassment I'm okay with you knowing that I'm doing it I'm just not okay with you hearing it and I'm not okay with you smelling it I really think it's called number two because it's the second best thing you can do with your body My mother used to call them bowel movements poop poop poop poop poop poop poop, right? I definitely think about poop more than most people. I don't know. Maybe everybody thinks that people are It's the only thing that we can all agree on that everyone does It might be slightly different, but we all get it the way that we can take in and eliminate impurities

It's a biological marvel. I don't think I've ever pooped in royal stadium. I don't think I've ever pooped in dodger stadium I know I've never pooped at staple center. Great. Let me poop all down my leg My legs didn't dangle below the door Another dude when he left he thought it was by himself in the bathroom. So we just Turns off the light. I was freaking out. It's still not been verified by me. I may have cleaned up nicks wartsons poop 100 true, by the way It's a super funny movie. That's great. That was us poop talk. I'm done with my poop talk So his daughter named the movie because she called him a little bit. So, uh, yes We are bummed that we didn't ask you guys to do it. Well, I'm super sad

We deserve all the shit that you guys can throw. Well, I tell you this we were um When we first heard about it and we processed it after brian, I was we were kind of Hurt and then angry And then you know we went through the stage of grief. Yeah all the stages agree for like where that's I go through all those stages When I took a shit We realized that the two of us are actually, um Working we've been working on a documentary. Oh, yeah, yep And it's not something I mean I am Becky and we're 45 years old

And we're addicted to being identical I guess who we didn't call to be I am addicted to I'm addicted to Becky. Uh, one of them's hot Um How On certain days does the novelty? Um get old There are moments where you're like

And we fought for years to not be seen as a gimmick. We wanted people to be like, right? That's a great comedy team. Oh, I mean though not honestly I'll say you guys are are a great comedy team. You guys are great comedians. Thank you It's uh, it's no doubt at all about it, but I'm saying like, you know, if something like six eight Everyone's gonna be at least how's the weather up there, bro? And every day all the time. Look up. Yeah We are grown men with families and like we aren't seen as the sclar brothers or twins in our family Like just a guy who was gone for two days and didn't get anything done around the house Right. I'm one's mad at me. I'm the guy who forgot to pack the undergarments for my daughter for lay mis

You know, I'm like that's who I am. I've identified as that person So when we're walking, especially like before doing You know comedy in a city some other city or somewhere that that we'll just walk down the street and they're like, you got that's so cute We're like, you have no idea 46 year old You guys that's so funny. You guys finish each other sentences. That's so great. We're like, hey Let's stop focusing on us finishing each other's sentences and let's focus on oj finishing one sentence. How about that? Yeah, how about it? How about that because the guy hasn't No, our it really is annoying and but you know, we we're nice people

We try to not get in you get the fascination though. I understand the fascination I do too because on some level we're like we are trying to judo that fascination into something deeper Which is most people see it and they're like, did you guys ever switch on girls? Like that's a that's a deep seated thing. We're like, you mean, yeah, you're you're pull off a rape Is that what you're asking? Excited to hear the story about that like number one. We didn't go to michigan state. No Number two like that that is the most bizarre thing for you. That's what people ask you most What's the question? That one all the time and you're just like because we have the good one and who's the bad one

We're like, yeah, that's right. You know people aren't nuanced at all. I mean, there's no, you know, there's no We're like we're both we're all that thing in in every so there is a little bit of that fascination And truthfully we understand how much we bring in on ourselves by working together being on stage together It's like we know that like we're stepping into the circle. We're not those girls We don't dress alike and we are addicted to it We are like there are moments where we've like shown up at shows and like similar and without even checking with each other and like I gotta go on stage in a parka. I mean, that's what I'm wearing tonight. One of us has to die. Yeah. Yeah

Go home. Sure. Let's go do the thing where you pick up the phone and the other ones are I don't know if we can do that nowadays, but back when we had regular phones and the other ones on the line right there That kind of stuff. No, although the the one time in our lives This is pretty recent which is insane That something weird happened that we couldn't explain it and now we just want to pretend it didn't happen Uh, we So we were going out of town to do a totally explain it by the way Okay, we're going out of town to do a gig completely explain it and we always take the

The last possible flight out to go to the gig and the first possible flight home to be with our kids and our families and so we're getting up at five in the morning like day of the show to take a seven-am flight probably east coast and Sometimes we'll call each other Just to make sure the other one woke up. Yeah, you know and is in the car and heading to the airport so I called him to find out if he was coming and or he called me and I Saw that he was calling but I couldn't answer the phone Why because I had to pee so badly in the car and this never happens

I peed at home on the way to the airport. It's like 12 minutes after I got in the car Something strange was happening. I thought I was dying. I was like, I got a pee I go into a 7-eleven which for some reason I guess I'm the only person in the world who knows that there's no bathroom In any 7-eleven. Oh, why don't they it's so rude so rude guys said we don't have it. You said you can pee in the slushy machine Yeah, I'm making an improvement on that. So I go around so I'm like, I don't know where to go Nothing's open. I walk around the corner the way I called it a slushy. It's a slurpee Okay, let's all get straight that I fucking I gave it you've ruined the podcast. Yes Apologies for ranny. We I walk around the corner. There's nowhere to go

I crouched down between two apartment buildings like a homeless man and just pee in the street. Okay. That's I had no choice It was coming on. I'm also peed sitting down I didn't have to pull my pants down All the way down squatted and peed. Uh, I get up. I run back to the call. I call Randy. I'm like, hey I saw you were calling. I didn't want you to panic worse call my house and wake my family up. I am up I just had to pee but he had to leave that message on my machine because I was driving to the airport too And for some reason I had a cup of coffee money. I had to fucking pee and I Went between an apartment. Okay. So that's weird. I fucking peed and I was like because I was like, there's nowhere to go

There's nowhere for me to go. The traffic is so bad. I got a is that weird Wow It's weird and that was the moment where I was like, yeah, it's a little too weird and we kind of don't want to it's almost We're like we're denying. Yeah Wait, why were you it? Why were you it's almost like we're denying that 9 11 was an inside job Why are you saying I can totally explain I can totally explain it I think it's because I had a cup of coffee and the ride was like 45 fucking minutes But I didn't have a cup of coffee and it was I was only like 15 minutes into my ride or 20 minutes in my ride

And I had and I also think I didn't want to like go into a bathroom and get a key and then have to wait At what I was like, well, maybe I can go and pee at this. It was very odd that that is probably the most odd That is the only thing our audience wants to know. Okay. It couldn't get in size. She was too tight Yeah, and so you stepped in Yeah, my do you have a smaller penis? Is that why? No, yeah another girl Okay, there was they were friends. I thought it was like you couldn't fit inside So he called you in because you have a narrower penis and he was like, it's okay. We got everything is the same

Yeah, we're twins. You're the same. I don't So we were talking to twins about their dicks. Yeah, that's the kind of show you're on. Thank god you're here. What? Do you guys what show is that on? This is um, this is our our good morning america our new series identical everything wake up brothers Slide yours him I is there an age though. Um, like is it like uh 15 or whatever impuberty where you're like, yo our dicks exactly the same Did not no, we didn't do it. You know what our parents did that was so

Never did because our parents very smartly put us in separate rooms Separate rooms changes everything. This is what I would tell anybody who has twins Give your kid a separate room because it allows them to I don't understand that So they they were good with just being naked around each other in front of yeah with like other women and that also Good look by the way good-looking guys Okay, they seem like both like dicks, but good-looking guys Who good looking guys who should be able to get women? Yeah, and so now you also need this ruse where you're both kind of double teaming one girl

So like that to me. Yeah, I just I don't understand it. I don't buy it. I don't get it It to me feels like a step back. Yeah a little rapey. Yeah step away. What you're saying is you guys have never Showed each other dogs and been like is that identical to no never really Ours are different mine has glasses Do you guys poop in front of each other Yeah, yeah, definitely that now there's got it now I'm imagining every parent of twins Do they force the era of like the match like you know

Matchups everything's the same matching outfits are again our parents didn't do that either our parents are smart They were amazing people evolved and and the truth of the matter is and this is like super deep But our mom and you this is crazy to even talk about but our mom A year before we were born delivered a baby that lived for four days and then So terrible like to go through that I came in you know, oh my god, you know, you're holding a baby inside you right now Imagine and again at a time when they didn't have technology She was pregnant amongst all of her friends who had had kids and then suddenly four days after she gives birth No, kid. So like the devastation in that era a year to the day

When that lost when she lost that girl We were born to the pumpkin day to two healthy babies Two healthy babies. So like look, I'm not a firm believer in you know Some other presence that makes things happen. I really believe that it's all got to happen on earth while we're here And people have to do it between each other and you can't just be like I was an asshole, but I believe in Jesus So everything's cool. You know what I mean? Like I can't do that But if you were to believe in a higher power like that is the time to be like, okay I had nothing and was in the worst place and now I just have to so I think

That informed the way their attitude was towards us and they were very like they cared about us and then had any They had a lot of like internal Gratitude that it worked out. It wasn't just like, oh, yeah, those are the twins. We just threw the same fucking trash bag on both of them That's what I mean. It was sort of like we cut it up an half and now they're both where it was a lot of thought was put into Hey, we were the only kids and we weren't something like we were like an only child There was a lot of attention and love and care I mean, but still and I would argue this as parents today like our parents loved us I would say more than our friends parents love them and that's not that's not even bragging. That's just the truth

Sure They're definitely super way more thoughtful, especially in that era to be like, let's give these two In their own identity their own identities. That's not rhyme their names Not make them sit in the same room not dress them in like not to all that stuff And so but they also didn't know what we were doing 95 percent of the time 70s and 80s. Yeah, they were like, where are they like we'd be playing football on the corner with like all the neighborhood kids No fence basically like a a chance for like a child molester to swing by a predator buffet Now you grab the predators you never planned to rape and executed it like you said no, but um, did you ever do something fun?

like, uh, I don't know like with an employer or You know a teacher's yeah, something like that We did switch once in school and there it is but it was and it was not as great as it was like one of those things that kind of Said to us great on paper but terrible and also that like we should never ever do comedy because we kind of got into comedy We were like 14 years old So this kind of told us never do this stuff on this would never do that on stage Like we switched classes because we're like we're gonna really fool no one really knew our friends kind of knew but but it was But you did it for a gag though. Yeah

April Fool's Day, and then I was like, oh shit. I now have to take a quiz in his class And I don't know what is going on. This is stressful. This isn't fun in any way shape or form Yeah, it was probably like fun for like four minutes And then there's another like 50 minutes that have to go up so that same year I had a home economics teacher who was terrible. This is frank She was like absolutely horrible teaching about cooking and sewing and all this other stuff stuff that you should know Horrible human being on on

On halloween. She had like an apes mask on and she came in with like an apes racist right racist But she came in thinking that but she came in with an apes mask on on halloween And people are dressed up in costumes and everything and so for three quarters of class she taught the class with the apes mask I hated this one Three quarters of the way and it got too hot and she took off the mask She took off the mask and I screamed When she took it off That's a horror in horror. She took it off and I was like, oh my god. Yeah. Yeah, that's a great bit

In comparison to the us switching classes That was a way better bit and that to me tells like you everything we need to know about Where our minds are in how we use this thing that we do although I do think over time What we've realized is that they're having two people on stage It's actually now that I think about it's so much funnier than the reaction I gave But imagine that as like a like a 15 year old kid pulling that bit off. Yeah. Yeah, that's very very funny So and I got in trouble and I we told our It got in trouble like went to the principal and the whole thing and they called our parents and

I told my dad what I did and our dad who was not a great He he was a great businessman. He's no longer alive. Great dude great businessman, but not great in school And I said dad, this is the bit and this is what I did and he's like, it's funny. Yeah He said did it get laughs. I think he said did it get laughs. He said did it get laughs. I was like dad Did it kill? Yeah, it killed. Yeah, I killed but I mean he couldn't be mad I couldn't be mad at us in that moment. I'm like, I mean if your kid pulled off a good Like a good joke, you'd be like, no, I don't know what I could do like look in front of these people I'm gonna I'm gonna yell at you. I might even spank you but that's

We're going out to dinner You can get some ice cream for that. Yeah, for sure But I mean it was just again, but that kind of set up But I was saying about the stand-up when we're on stage. We just have to figure out and we talk deeply about this with you Yeah, just in terms of uh set it because we always call him the setup master 2000 set up He's so economical with his like I could take your setups and cut them in half and make them more powerful Cut them in half make them more directed and make them and we're like fucking set up master 2000 do it Set it up man. Set it up

So much and and what I love in watching your stand-up is that the setups get laughs Like as you set things up, you're like if it's set up right you get credit for the concert Double double laughs double laughs and then you see it executed, but we were always like well, what's How do we then? You know two people on stage is very different like again, you know your point of view and your special Comes through so deeply your point of view on the show comes through deeply But like if the two of you are on stage together, you kind of have to like what's our collective? What's funny is like when we do our live podcast, which is a lot of fun. We haven't done one in a while

But when we've done live ones Part of it is that you know the audience there is so familiar with the show. Yes, which is Actually like a cheat code for setups. Oh, yeah, in other words, we bring up a topic They're all like I know what the topic is and then you can just go Joke joke joke joke joke joke because it's it's all very much set up for you Which is even fun. You've established your voice on the thing But you know a singular point of view on stage. This is the way I think about this So we have to kind of figure out it's like one layer removed as we do our stand-up

And then as we play our bits out, how do we do it? Is it just examples? And we're both rallying them off or are we acting out a scene? Like we was realized in our latest hour of stand-up as we're sort of turning Because we did an hour that we did an hour for siso that siso folded and now it's going to be on stars Which is well at least I got a second home. That's great. I believe we were discussing like what happens to all these siso And there's so many great people My hema on war He has had one on there stand hope has I know Jesus so ours so ours had never premiered

So it's actually going to premiere on oh my god. It's going to be on stars and my first question was why not black stars? Come on Well, you guys might know something about this last week we were talking about our at our son's preschool Um Where we leave him 14 hours a day we dropped him off and We uh, he locks three hours. He locks up. He does. He locks up, but they were telling us. Oh, uh, there's a little There's a kind of a cases of hand uh foot and mouth going on and we were talking about I was like I don't remember anybody ever talking about that when we were kids foot and mouth. I thought it was these hoof and mouth

No one ever said it. I remember chicken pox. Yeah, we had chicken pox growing up Well, somebody I don't know what this even addresses it, but somebody says I recently Contracted hand foot and mouth as an adult. I have to tell you it sucks a fat donkey dick. You get terrible You get terribly painful blisters on your hands feet in your mouth Go figure walking was a fucking nightmare keep your kids away from that shit I fly a lot my doctor says I probably touched some baby jizz on a plane. I didn't even know it Make sure you wash those paws every time you get off a gross ass airplane I didn't know that shower, but was that do you remember that being a thing? I don't remember that being a thing

How are babies that you know, maybe it was just so pleasureed. Wait, did your kids ever get that one? No, but it but it was around in school. I remember it Someone I'm like and then you're like we had lice lice lice is like I never got that one We I never my kids have had it There was always like that time we went to the nurse and she had like plastic bags on her hands Popsicle sticks and they check your fucking thing through your hair like she's looking at records at a record store A hoof and mouth. Yeah, they do strokes out That's that's horrible and as an adult to deal with like a kid's sickness that feels

Oh, we do every I mean you get it you get everything that they that they give you it's I've been healthy for a whole three weeks now. I'm like praising Jesus. You don't even know how I feel You're like, yeah, this is what it feels like to be normal. This is what it feels like to take a full breath Yeah When does this end like Because your kids are around and because you're about to have another kid and eventually that kid will be in It's whenever your kids get out of preschool preschools the ground zero for all this shit It's a fucking petri dish of disease and so by kindergarten

This should be kind of slows down. I think it does. I think it does the adult hoof and mouth disease I'm just gonna call it hoof Adult hoof and mouth disease that to me is like The fact that this person contracted that and definitely probably got it from on a plane Yeah, everything is nasty tired of all this motherfucking hoof and mouth disease on this motherfucking plane Wasn't that sam jackson's? I think I know what I think he said So do you guys talk about your pooping on this documentary? We do we do because now What did you find did you find that women are more squeamish? Obviously about pooping? No, really?

Absolutely the women in the movie went off I love it sound like they had some confidence right there. Oh, we were like, yeah Yeah, I mean there's no yeah the the truth of the matter is like It really shows how you wouldn't touch you are with your body if you are pooping and you have a good poop Yeah, you know, it's when your body shoot when you ace a shit and only after and you wipe and there's nothing there And you almost like walk away. It's literally that's all mic drop. Why does that even happen? What happens to me today? I just had a clean wipe You ace a solid shit when all it comes together and nothing gets on the wall

I will do like i'm a casino pit boss and i'm done with my shift Yeah, that's not that's how I feel the dealer. Yes, that's right No, but I the pit bosses also want to show you that there's nothing up there sleazy though No, but I mean, yeah, it's a great feeling right? Oh shit up these sleeves Feels like you've accomplished something right? Yeah, so, you know, we haven't done it For me, I've had hemorrhoids that ruins the whole pathway too. It's horrible It's a bad thing But when you do it and you get one in and you do it right and it feels easy and it comes up

Having hemorrhoids is like trying to stuff like an otter Through a pinball machine terrible. Well, I get them pregnant the last at the end of my pregnancy. It's horrible. I don't have now Thankfully, but towards and dude Should have had my dad on, you know, he's really he's quite famous for his hemorrhoids No, it's shit talks. I mean, he's did he tell you about his shits like Constantly, dude. What was it like door open? This is what happened report. It's just it's a great shit today, tom Yeah, and it's uh, it continues. I mean to this day. I mean I get phone calls Had a great one. That was great. He's I had to tell you story, buddy. I was just uh down the hall and

It's just don't know no paper in the stall. So you know what you got to do Is you got to stand up and squeeze the cheeks and my pain my trousers were still down And I had to waddle over to the next stall and there's barely any paper in there And I had to waddle out. I'm like, are there people in the bathroom just waddling down Waddling down with hands down hands down cheeks together balls out. He's like it was a blaster So there's shit all over my cheeks and I'm like, holy cow and it's uh, I mean, this is that is so that is Phenomenal ridiculous. This is super old, but this might be him I think talking to me about it years ago and I pulled out my iPhone and you just started recording

Yeah, let me see if he brings he might bring it up immediately. Yeah because This is how I I used to just call him and call him and just see what was on what's going on and then go straight A lot of times he starts starts conversations with this right away Hey, buddy, how you doing? So this is the first thing that you heard it right first time. Yeah That didn't make any announcement or no, I just ran normal this call is being courted by record

I was this one's being recorded. I used to get him like uh, hey buddy. Hey buddy. I love it. I love the way he always says that I love it. It's like he he entered the call like you need to wipe down Tell me about wiping you gotta wipe that I he need to wipe down. I love how he all right Well, that was that was advice for I go what I go sometimes you just keep like, you know, you want to keep wiping You're wiping you're wiping. Yeah, nothing. I don't know what to do. He's like you need to wipe down And then he would say you need to stand up and let everything fall into place and sit back down And wipe and maybe you will have a constant wipe You definitely don't and I think your dad was what he was alluded to is you don't want to get poop in your vagina

No, never Now have you guys ever had a bidet experience? No, we talk about this in the movie Somebody let me tell you the bidet Whoever is crushed like the electric car was crushed by a powerful lobby in America. There's a lobby saying don't do the bidet Do you guys have the japanese application of their fucking toilet? Yes, that's the thing in the world Two robot toilets. What happened was streamed water going up into your ass that you can that rob cordy says in the movie I I can really dictate what the temperature of the water. Yeah, whether it pulsates or not. Yes, and I do I do too

I need blow-dry your asshole too Blow-dry your asshole is like I just have a blowout So that is the equivalent of having your hair blown out Well, now it's just nasty when we take a dump in hotels and then you're mashing the toilet paper against your butt It's just it's vulgar When you're used to washing it so a friend of ours said like if you got shit on your arm Says in the movie you got shit on your head a little shit on your arm Would you grab a piece of paper grab a piece of paper there and just wipe it off and be like, all right? I'm good today

No, you fucking wash it off He puts soap and water on there right and that's wash your ass man Americans are nasty It's uh, I think Americans have a have an aversion to it And this is what doctor we when we did dr. Drew's show We're like, what is the deal with this and he's like, I think Americans have a Psychological they think the bidet is like how how Europeans wash shower. Yeah, they don't shower and they just use the bidet That's somehow getting into that will mean that you'll just that's all you're gonna do

Here's the thing maybe the old like the bidets that were around when we grew up I always thought that I was like, that's great. You're just gonna like you just waddle over to that thing That just seems on it and let it do yeah But the now with washlets where you just go press the button You have to rent a house. Yeah, and what happened was They had one in one of the toilets and were you like this so when we were done is it a little sexual? It's a little sexual No I don't know. No, you think it is innocent in in the back of you made a brown

It's it's pretty great. It is great, man. Yeah, here's the thing you feel like now that we have them in our house When I travel you feel like a savage. You're like a savage. Oh, just tell her that it's like you're mashing it No, adam crawler said it's like trying to use a paper towel to get peanut butter out of a carpet. Yeah That's what am I doing? What am I doing? I've traveled with the um the wipes Yeah, the white flushable wipes flushable wipes. Yeah, I've done it a few times on the road Just just to have a little bit of a sense of that to change it up It's not there is nothing like that the bidet The bidet I mean it is our thing is like if nice hotels would start to just have that Japanese application

You don't have to use it if you don't want to but I think people start to get curious about it They'll start to do it three four days stay and then they'll be like, why don't I have this? I'm bidet curious and I'm I think we're all on a spectrum here, but I am bidet curious You guys want to take it out before you leave? I might I already I might not take a shot I took one already, but maybe I'll take a little walk. I took a gray one this morning. I took a gray I mean not gray. Can I can I just get your asshole clean for you real? Yeah I would do that. Sometimes I just do that if I just want to freshen up I'll just freshen up a little before a set. You're like, I just need to I want to

I said pre-sex I do I did when I got I when I flew home yesterday and when I got here It's like 10 minutes later. I was like, I'm just gonna take like a quick rinse It's so great. Yeah, and does tom let you perform anal on him? All day every day. Can you imagine? I'm so afraid of that asshole. So you have to obviously clean out that Your wives do your butt stuff. No I don't that that to me isn't uh, it's not if it were something I loved

Well, I'd be like, what can we do to make this happen, but it's not something that I crave So I mean for people who somebody crave you that you definitely have to find someone who's like push The button sure my hands and knees every day Begging just like game there. She Christina Mox me thinks that I'm Ridiculous for how much I enjoy my bodily functions. Yeah, I was yep By the way, I am a little bit on his side because like if you do a good sneeze a good sneeze By the way, a good sneeze like not in cold season. So you're not in the throes of a cold. It's just a clearing the decks

Feels feels orgasmic. Okay, so I'm the one who goes I'm the one who goes down to this end I'm the one who goes downstairs and does everything in the morning for my family and part of the I get two I get two three positive things out of it. Okay, so I let my wife sleep wake up in the morning. We both I meditate okay I have to like do like 22 minutes at six in the morning. I go back to sleep for 20 minutes Best deepest sleep ever is right after I get up and meditate the next 23 minutes 6 45 wake up take breakfast orders Go downstairs turn off the alarm. Let's get the dog food ready all that stuff I put on the record of my choice. Okay, we have a record player that plays in the in the kitchen where everybody is

And I'm like, I'm gonna put on what I fucking want. This is what daddy wants to listen to if I want to listen to Uh, if I want to listen to pinkerton weezer album. Yeah, there's a song about lesbians on it You know all of it. We're getting into all of it. I'm gonna if I try to call quests if I want this I'm gonna put it on it's my record. So that's what I get I get that The other thing I get to do is when I'm downstairs alone and everyone's upstairs and the music's playing I fucking fart so I literally let it rip it is like it is literally what the book trumpet of the swans was written about I am like ripping so hard All over the house and it's like getting out every little bubble that was in my stomach

And I'm not around anybody because it's blasting and it feels so good. And then I have coffee And then that's what and then your brown comes that's what cleans me out. Take the browns. Take the browns to the super bowl Coffee is like it's the second gift. It gives you is it literally cleans your ass Every day we say this on stage every day is like the last 15 minutes of the like an episode of hoarders We're like get it all out. Get it all on Matt paxton is kind of drinking coffee I like drinking coffee so much that sometimes It'll be mid, you know later in late afternoon and it won't be like you up. No, I'm like

Oh, I keep going I go like I've been having bad bad shits today. Yeah, and she was like how much coffee you had and I was like No, I like six cups Yeah, dude, that's why I'm like, yeah, I didn't think about it Oh my god We were showering together at our old house And he peed and it smelled like and it's someone had dumped an entire craft of coffee I was like, she's do you even drink water because you pee brown liquid You're made of coffee. Yeah, all you have is coffee inside your bag

I'm sorry. Was that a Sumatran blend? Well, I didn't look I mean, is that a golden shower or a brown shower? But she she was like, oh, you enjoy your body functions. See look somebody wrote Hi sneezing and coming at the same time I was fucking this girl doggie style and I was about to pull out and not Jesus. He's really I mean, this is I start to sneeze. It felt like time had stopped I closed my eyes and everything went quiet for a second while I sneezed and came on her ass at the moment All right, I remember mentioning that he feels high after he sneezes

Well, I imagine the feeling you get from doing both the same time. What would you call this amaze experience? What I call that. Yeah, I don't know call that the uh It's like like the moment in the matrix when you can bend backwards and the bullet goes over your face I here's the thing though. Just let's reading his his message. I I don't want to experience that one. No, I like sneezing I like orgasm. I think he's a you kind of think he's an asshole, right? I think the phrase is I don't think I don't think it's possible. I think I call bullshit on this. I have a phrase for it. Yeah ejerculation That is totally right, bro. Yeah, ejerculation

A little bit sneezing all over a woman's back and I bet he made her clean it up. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, you go get the towel and real asshole. You go get the towel, man. I'm gonna lay down here Have you guys ever burped and farted at the same time? No, I don't think I've ever burped in uh, I probably have that's Anything coming out of you. I'm like if there's something inside of you that's got to get out of you get it out That's what I tell my daughters It's a fart all the time and I'm like go just just say just say yeah, yeah, and that's cool. I'm like what about this Do you think you can get this out of you? Oh god

What that? I don't want to say those. Oh god. I don't want to say those nipples are long This is all fucked up. This is my dad. Is it really? Those those nipples are those nipples are longer than a francis-fort copula film. Yeah, this was uh, And half is artistic. Let's see Yeah That's how my dad talks by the way Are you thirsty?

I want to breastfeed you here on these big nips. Yep And watch How you suck me dry. Yeah, of course. He's german. Of course. Is he a nazi? Of course. He's german I like nipples I got to put them into a man bra The problem is and this is what I feel bad for this guy. He can never wear a t-shirt

No Oh, think about this guy in a t-shirt because it works in this context If he's naked standing over you asking you to suck his nipples fine, but then it's appropriate. We're all buying it I'm not saying this does something inappropriate. This guy's got to wear a sweatshirt every day This guy at like in and out burger with a t-shirt. It's like he's got to wear a laser How much do you have to? Torture your nipples to get them Do you think this is nature or nurture?

Yeah, I don't think he's This is my theory. Okay. I think they were a little longer than a regular nipple But like slightly and he definitely tied weights to it. He's like this is now how people know me So I got it. I'm that guy. He's literally drooping it and and did anything He's drawing out. My son doesn't want to wear pants to school. I'm like, why don't you ever want to wear pants? Like the people know me as the guy who wears shorts to school and I'm like, that's not how people know you If you had nipples like that, I'd be like, that's how people know you This is sort of like we were talking about like if you were really into

anal you got to find someone that you know I feel bad. I honestly feel bad for this guy because that like what if this guy's just like really into prog rock Yeah Or just like hey, man, I'm in I'm in a I'm on a scrabble team like you're never gonna know that about this guy Because it's literally all he's always got to lead with this And he's gonna be like burnt cracks or just shirtless everywhere and you're like, man, we always see your nips It's gross. Come on machine. Come on That's such a distinct sound

So gross, man. I like that he leads though with By the way, that phrase has been said by more than one nazi That's like a line from schindler's list and hogan's hero I've been cooking it up all day all for you. He's giving you those Would you like a little more milk in your coffee? Yes, yes, I can put it all for you. Would you like two lumps of fun? Just sevens cup I want I would like to breastfeed watch my favorite thing is when I sneeze and milk squirts out

Is he into that or is he just like taking on like he knows there's a section of society that's into that oversight He's into it. He's into it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This might be like the head of the organization So we can't fake that. We're listening to our our friends who we just had on a I love doing the live podcast too So we did a live dump people town in brooklyn at the bell house. So fun. Oh snap You love the bell house. Great. Yeah, great. So our friends, uh, christina hutchinson and karin fischer from guys We thought great podcast very popular very popular and they're this fascinating stuff I always learn like great shit when I'm listening to their podcast So there's a woman who her sexual

Proclivity or her thing that she does it's other people's thing. It's other people's thing is that she All right, you okay? Is claudia coming today? I don't know. Am I retarded? Hey, you can't say that Hey, hey, man. Come on. What are you doing? The next thing you know, you're gonna make fun of, uh, louisiana folks, uh, I can't say that I can't say that so, uh, that'll be so retarded. Okay, so Hey, come on. So she was she was telling me about a person who People will call guys will call her up on the phone Call her up on the phone and she will say hello

and then Ignore them and they will pay Thousands of dollars for like an hour of a person She's like I'll put the phone on speaker or I'll put it Down and I'll go around and just do all my housework for the day Oh, it's great hour the dude wants to be ignored like that's how he sexually gets off and these are like executives and what I was like So how do I get in on that easy money? That's great. Actually. I want to be that evil money. That's a great

Don't do that. You can do that with a new baby. I'll do that with a new baby. Dude. I would do I would fart We'll talk about this. That's an easy gig too. Fart on people are fart on cakes Farting is okay. Farting is a big thing. Easy peasy, dude I'm just saying like to ignore someone to like that Ignoring is that just unbelievable. How do we get it found money? That's fun. Well, that was an exercise of futility You can make these videos for sure. Yeah, that's what I could do I could have a subscription based following That is

The end of Benny. It was like a Benny Hill episode I mean, it strikes me as funny that her walls would be finished. She's in a shed She's just partying in a shed. She would just have an unfinished wall there. Well, that's shedfarts.com You got a drywall that you know what? I really like my girls in pajama bottoms farting with a drywall Wait, so specific. I can't do it. I'm curious now at the ignore thing. It's fascinating. Unbelievable Does the guy the whole time is he like, hello? Yeah. Hello. I wanted to and just talking and like saying so anyway So I did this today and I did that. Isn't that cool? No, I think it's fine

And then I went and did that and then because you have to tease with A little bit like I hear you. She says hello and that's it says hello and then ignore Yeah, so it's so-and-so so-and-so. Uh, how are you doing? Uh, guys are so dumb. Isn't that great? Guys are so dumb. That's so dumb. Like there's a dude willing to pay for that. But also just- like a woman would never pay for that in the other way. Are you kidding me? Dude, women would never- women would never- women have to deal with that on a regular basis. Women aren't masturbating in front of strangers and fucking doing any of this weird shit. Harvey Weinstein and people and-

It's so great. You guys- that's so great. It's all nonsense. Do you know what you're having? Do you know what you're having? That's a boy hand. You have a boy. So you have two boys. Yeah, I gotta tear it up. So he's- and he's one and one and I have two girls So like I'm trying to like figure it which is crazy because it was just us So we grew up in a male dominated house. How are you? I'm the only child. Only child. So- so girl dominated house. Yeah. Well. Yeah a lot of time alone You want to know how to raise your girl? Uh to be

Proofed against douchebags razor mean just a little bit of mean just a little mean just a little bit of cunty Because because douchebags back away from that douchebags. It's repellent To that kind of Warrior glasses indoors in the supermarket. Yeah, block out people. Yeah, it gets them out. Yeah, my older daughter He's laughing because he's like well, it's true. See and like I got a good guy. You got a nice guy Who who's like I can soften her. Yeah, I definitely are a daily basis. He's like I got this That's what I can take the edges round about first When I when and she was I was like she gave you shit

Yeah, and she was like she wasn't like because I would hate going on dates where it was uh She was just like Like too pleasant or like just no opinion or a point of view on anything You just fucked up. But you guys communicate so much. Are you afraid now that he's like losing weight and getting And getting good-looking and now super famous and like what's gonna happen Yes, yes, are you afraid that he's gonna get on the road and like there are definitely women who come up to him after the shows And they're like let's let's go I'll show you my titties. Let's go

How do I handle it, Tom? What do I say to you? What do you say to me? I don't remember. I always tell I was home like that I'm like, babe. Think of your family. Oh, yes. Think of your family. I'll take half your shit Yeah, I just have your shit is a little too threatening. It's pretty but that's her but that's what I'll do Yeah, it is what she'll do. You also know he is a conscience. You'd be like we love you. Yeah, that's what that's what we love You just quickly fire off a picture of you and your son all the time all the time. She's like we're at home right now Loving you having fun with your hookers thinking about thinking about you We're thinking about you. You just had a whole conversation about how much Daddy and I send videos of Ellis being like we miss you daddy

Daddy away from hookers daddy father was in his life. I don't think it was hookers though. I really don't think it's no It's like comedy sluts, right? Audience members. No comedy. There are no Can I say this? Like if we want to have sex with like bearded dudes like we'd be on fire if I wanted sex No woman comes up with a serious woke white dude from Portland. I'm A seriously woke white dude from who owns a tattoo parlor, but he's like opening up a line of teas I'm serious beer. I get hit on by a woman doing stand-up once every six years by a woman doing stand-up

No, no like from after a show once every six years. It's Christina. Yeah Zero happens It's all guys. There are moments. It's all dudes. It's not only is it all guys A lot of times there'll be a guy with An attractive woman who will stay away and go it's his birthday So I agreed to bring him and I'm like, do you don't want to meet or anything? She's like absolutely not No, like your audience tends to be more male. Yeah, that's what it is That's the same for us now. There are comics who are in our position

Who but they're here's the thing they're putting that energy out there and the set is actually about how you Get and so it's like I love this and all you know like and they get approached and they'll get a certain But I'll slap a bitch around and then suddenly people are like you can slap me after the show Yeah, you're like and I've seen my friends who are trying to get laid. Yeah, and you then you start It's even direct and indirectly in the set. It's like almost like under You know, I mean, it's there's a layer of it. You guys are totally if you're say I'm a Okay, if you're on stage and you're like, I'm a single guy. I'm single So now you're sitting now you've just put it out there

Then later in the set if you tell a story about how you did something nice like you're like, I'm a nice guy I'm not one of those guys who does I did it those two dots Exist in your set and you drew a line between them and you just need someone to like yeah And then also if that guy makes it where he's not trying to he's not trying to get laid In other words, he doesn't make it too blatant. That's right my mission I I wish I could meet or like I I wish someone would just like if if they're like kind of carefree about it Yep, then it starts to to you guys were talking about on your show about just calling regular people

slots Like an old Just like literally in a walker That concept to me I heard it and I laughed about it and then I saw somebody Like a little baby. I'm like, look at that. Yeah, it's fun. All right It may it's so inappropriate, but it made me laugh. It's a joyful experience The fact that you guys can do it together with each other. I mean, it's like a bit you slut shame

We slut shame people, but that's all the bits. I are not slut. I am an anti slut shaming person who thinks that joke is hysterical Yeah, well that I am Peyton Lafferty and a ball hog Yeah, that's our oh wait. By the way speaking of ball hogs. Yeah, okay So you guys let for sure you guys tweeted a little bit from the about the oscars last night and I will say this Like post oscar Stuff here's here's the headline jimmy kibble did a great job. He handled it in a very he had a lot of sensitive shit That he was handling and he was actually really funny really funny about it kumail was hilarious What did he do? He presented he presented and then he was in this video of like

Sort of like the next wave of filmmakers and people and he's even mentioned something that his wife Who who wrote the movie with him? Emily gordon said that that she wants to start a way got enormous It was so funny So I want to start a website of like muslims doing fun things like a muslim eating ice cream or riding roller coasters I laugh so it's hysterical She's like I see it all the time with you and I want the rest of the world to see it It came from such a beautiful and real place and it was hilarious and he was just really funny And he was really funny in his whole thing. He's like I changed my name to kumail nangiani in pakistan

My name was chris pine And this guy's an actor and I had to change I imagine my embarrassment He was really funny and tiffany haddish and mya rudolf I'm like they did a bit that was so like a bit that we would like or that you guys would do that They're just interaction with each other was so Specific and funny and it was literally just between the two of them and everyone was dying And I was like that was that was fun. Great. The crazy thing is obviously we're in the me too moment Yeah, of all moments

Kobe Bryant goes up there and gets an oscar for this the best short film for like What is it love of basketball or something basketball made me do whatever he wrote a movie and Letter to basketball. Yeah, love letter basketball Like and got applause and people were like doesn't he looks so great Like we're all forgetting that he raped a woman in eagle colorado like yeah 15 years. I guess 15 years is the statue of limitation there That's it. That's it. He fucking raped a woman in eagle colorado and he was convicted or what happened? Yeah, he wasn't convicted, but like they settled they settled and they bought his wife a four million dollar ring to apologize Which is totally that's legit. I remember that bit four million dollar ring makes up for it

I mean, but here's the thing though that's interesting about that because one of the things that nobody likes to talk about during this movement is the The slots this the severity and Severity and separation of degrees of crimes people don't want to do that So in other words, they'll be like, you know Harvey Weinstein and then they'll be like and then the guy that like leered at somebody and you're like that's not the same thing No, but Kevin Spacey is terrible right but further to that point He actually falls in the category of the bad side the worst kind So we're going to just let that slide and no one's going to say anything but one championships

We annihilate dudes lives annihilate their lives like the kevin spacey's and the Louis for jaggernaut deserves it just but the guys who do deserve it. Let's ruin fucking Kobe beef's life But the truth of the matter is no one does the truth of the matter is you know when you're doing something wrong Yeah, and I would say in this day and age like by the way you When you walk through an airport and this is the way I feel about like guns and any of that shit Yeah, your life is going to change you walk through an airport You either got to get tsa pre-checked or you take your fucking shoes off when you walk through why because one person got on One plane and had a shoe bomb and our life has changed

You can no longer go to the gate and get your Meet someone at the gate and come back. That's right. That's the way life has changed and you know what we all fucking accept it You know if you're in this scenario now We're like you can't use your power to make someone else feel like if you're in a powerful position and make a pass at someone And they make them feel uncomfortable and then make their life If you're in a power position you make a pass someone they say yes, and then you get married and then that's your life Good on you. Right. There's your life. That's fine. But if you say I want to hang out with you And the person who's lower power position says no

Then you got to stop you got to stop That's common sense That's not like don't stop and if you don't stop and you press the issue or you treat them poorly or you make their life Living hell. No, you didn't rape anybody But you made their life terrible like you have to step away And you have to know that you're going to get shit and in this movement right now You should get shit fair or not in this movement right now and the way things are right now You can't get away with that shit. Yeah. So like you have to understand the moon

I'm not saying like you think I want to go I want to go to the airport and just walk right through the thing And that's it and but no we have to all accept It's going to take an extra 30 minutes and for people who travel like us all the time it fuck it sucks, man But that's what it is and you have to accept it and that's the way it goes. It's the way it goes Same way I feel about guns. I'm like, look Can't like ban it. We can't have them and everybody's got to be cool with that and this is the issue and that's what it is Well, and I'll say this as we move on in kobe brian's defense. They settled And he's really good at basketball. That's true. He's kind of insane

Well, and woody allen too, he's good at basketball He's not as good at basketball, but he's it took a long time for people to even It's amazing how long it takes for someone to be like, yeah, no, I think he is kind of shitty now He's been shitty for how long there's no new new and he puts it in the movie. Go watch manhattan again It's all him like hitting on a 17 year old mariel hammingway girl who she said it happened while they were filming the movie He married his stepdaughter. I mean bro. That's the ultimate like that really I'm like, okay. He's not even legal. But by the way, thanks giving already awkward But this is what I would say you can do this

Go for it. If this is really what you want to do and you're in love with this person You want to do it do it but now accept the backlash because there will be a fucking backlash You you but there wasn't he made like 12 films after he did that Just moved to france. Yeah, there was really none and the other thing. Yeah with polanski Yeah, the polanski one that made me so upset was when he had a 10 year old girl over and had her get completely naked I have a 10 year old girl. He fucked. She was 13 But he fucked but he had 10 year olds and took pictures of them naked. All right. Well, but he fucked a 13 year old Yeah, which in like there's my daughter is 12 right now. There's no you would never be like

You know it was a while ago Uh, no, there's no it was a while ago. Yeah, but but everybody in hollywood that worked with that guy was like They would yell at you for bringing up. Yeah, that and it's like it was a different time and it's like now They're like an old that was those are the those are the hymn two years That's right. That's why we're starting with our with our movie work starting the me poo move with the hashtag me poo me poo me poo It's fascinating. Let's see where it all ends up. All right. We have to we have to get Going here in a moment, but let's um give the the

The full rundown of like the podcast and the movie and everything to plug up. All right So, uh, we have a podcast of which you were going to do. It's called dumb people town. Yana. Yeah, you're gonna do it So dumb people town You did it and it was really funny I highly the fact that you just out of nowhere started doing that southern lawyer. I did yana on the ronald t Yeah, because we had like a legal ronald t justice Injustice is

Anywhere justices have occurred say on that wall right there right there on justice. Yeah, brown lock So it's go back and listen to his episode dumb people town and then we if you're a sports fan Then we do view from the cheap seats every week talk about sports in in a way that is I would say funnier and fresher than what's out there. So we do that and talk to great people on there Uh, the movie poop talk. It's on amazon itunes out now Is that now vod it was in theaters for a week and now it's all itunes and amazade So that's exciting and then we'll watch it. I'm excited And I'm heartbroken that we didn't have you in it and I do think that was a function of how quickly we had to like

Just try and pull it off. It was wrong. It was bad. It's we'll take the heat for it. We will put you in the twin document That's what we're counting for and then we have this uh audiobook coming out audiobooks Sclares and stripes with the album coming out april 5th on audible and then our special finally we'll see the fucking light of day On stars in I believe may that's a big deal, man Because for a special to like to have it and not be seen. It's so frustrating You were three or two you two and a half years on the material shoot this one chicago and lincoln hall Which was nice. Yeah, great. Chicago's such a great great town great because chicago has smart people But they're also like regular folks and regular people and they don't care

Right, they don't have the hang-ups quite Yeah, it's kind of nice that that's a great space. So that's probably in may and that's called hipster ghosts hipster ghosts That's awesome. Um, they are the sclar brothers check out their podcast check out poop talk and definitely check out the new special Um when it comes out on stars and stripes Slars network And audible check out the audio dog on audible audio scars and stripes is april 5th and then the special You're almost like I said, you're lazy. We are so lazy. I actually want to work less Can we please get into something that allows us to anything else gene anything to mention?

um Now take it set christina p online for live dates from live dates tomseguro.com, of course, uh, the uh, Oh, listen to that's deep bro. There you go. The los angeles not los angeles shirt is out The um ball hog shirt is out for all you ball hogs. My name is uh And uh, we also have of course the you know, you the whole store is there go to tomseguro.com click on the store And this song was made by ben and john. It's the tracy kiss remix. Thanks guys for coming over today. We love you Uh

Oh Bitch Dude, she's so fucking retarded for that. God damn it