Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 441-Tom Rhodes-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 28, 2018

There's a very upset lady in an internet chat room that says a lot of things we can relate to. She's fired up that someone called her the R word and she has a new and exciting version of English to battle back.  PLUS, Age Gap Love is our new obsession. It's a show that follows couples who have way too many years in between them and yes, these people are gross. Old dudes, old ladies, just old, old, old. Yuck! Imagine someone loving your grandparents. Well, that's not the best way of putting it. Imagine dating someone that looks like your grandparents. Done vomiting? We have more. AND friend of the show, Tom Rhodes is back after too many years away. He's hilarious and full of travel tales and so much more. Pull your international jeans way up! Thanks to our sponsors:  Brooklinen.com Promo code: MOM Stamps.com Promo code: MOM SaatvaMattress.com LoomandLeaf.com 

Gene, where are you going to be? Oh, Gene's. March 30th and 31st, I am in Portland, Oregon at Herium Comedy Club. These are going fast. So get them now. April 29th, Manfred Disco, Cobb's Comedy Club, May 4th, Cuntington Beach at the Rec Room Comedy Club, May 9th, Oxnards. What is Oxnard?

Coxhard. Coxhard at the Levity Live. So get your tickets at Christina P. Online now. Gene? Gene, I'm going to be, let's see, I'm in Atlanta shooting this movie and the April 8th show, the Tabernacle sold out. So I'm doing another one, April 26th at 7.30, two on April 28th in Huntsville, Alabama, Stand Up Live.

Spokane, I added a show. Where? In Sperm Can, Washington because the show's sold out, so I added a late show Thursday, May 17th. A bunch of other shows are on sale. I added a show in Mamaha in Nebraska, Brea is on sale, Breastballs Beach is on sale, and New Orleans. How do we come up with Breastballs Beach?

I don't know. That one was really ridiculous. Thanks to Obi-Wan for this instrumentals. But you're kidding, we haven't heard from him in a minute. I think he sends in instrumentals. I love it. Regularly. Thanks everybody who has been going to our store.

You can go there. It's merchmethod.com slash Thom Segura or go to ThomSegura.com and click on the store button. There's a bunch of stuff in there right now, waterchamp hats, there's a ball hog t-shirt that is very appropriate. It's not grotesque. Well, can you describe it a little so people kind of know? Yeah, there's a hog.

Yeah. Let me see. Let's look at it because I was worried at the ball hog shirt that people would be like, I can't wear this out in public. Yeah, just there's this cool hog, well-designed. Love it. It says ball hog on it, but it's like a wink. You don't really know what that means unless you're in on it, right?

There's nothing nasty about it. There's the not Los Angeles shirt for our LA natives. My favorite. Change my diaper. There's the build the wall. There's the Jean, excuse me, the YMH zip up. The Jean hoodie. There's a bunch of stuff there, man.

So many great shirts. Yeah. Oh, and your rub, rub, rub shirt with the man love go on there. People like it. It's a crowd favorite. Let's see if, let's see if let me see here if, oh my God. I guarantee it's nice. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. Anyways, thank you for your support in that and hope you enjoy this episode of the show, Jean. Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe Jean. One of the things I think we haven't even mentioned Jean.

These episodes are happening at a pace that is different than normal because of this movie schedule. So like right now when you're here in this episode, I'm shooting my DPs, my boy, boy girls, my boy, girl, boy girls. We're scenes. This is what they call them. We've recorded this probably three weeks or so before you heard it. I know.

We usually do it in real time. We do it like two days before it comes out a day. Just to stay fresh because we're kind of a current event show. We like to be up on what's happening in the world. That's right, Jean. And yeah, so it is one of the things that's sort of a pain about right now. Well, we're doing it. We're doing it.

We're doing it. We're always doing it. We're trying. We're trying to make it work. We want to keep doing our show. Can we please talk about, so we get obsessed with shows. Well, let's play the show open. I'm fighting when we're doing that.

Let's do the show open as we always do and then we'll get right into it. Here you go. New episode of Your Mom's House. Go ahead and fuck your mom, okay? Go ahead and fuck your mom. And when you fuck your mom, ask your mom to shut the fuck up, okay? Yeah. Because she gave birth to the wrong baby, okay?

From the moment she gave birth to you, you was a mistake, okay? This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone muckers for this. Yo mama in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to Your Mom's House with Tom Segura. Tom Segura and Christina Pajitzen.

Christina Pajitzen. Welcome to Your Mom's House. We love you. What were you saying, fart mix? You want to fuck with me? Oh, that does kind of sound like that. Yeah. She's got real upset.

She's very feisty. You know what? What's that? Is that like a game thing? Yeah. She's on, what's it, Twitch and streaming thing and people can comment. But what really jumped it off was this. Shut up, CX, okay?

You don't say that I look and sound retarded, okay? The only thing that is retarded is you, okay? For saying other people are retarded. When you say other people are retarded, it means that your mom and I are retarded. It means that your mom actually gave birth to the wrong baby because you don't ever have the rights to judge people. When your dick is not even existing, you can't even have a proper dick and you say that I look like a retard.

I don't know. I don't think she looks that way at all. I don't know. She doesn't look that way. I don't even know what the insult is that she's saying about the dick. No, I don't know. Go and fuck your mom, okay? Go and fuck your mom.

When you fuck your mom, ask your mom to shut the fuck up, okay? Because she gave birth to the wrong baby, okay? From the moment she gave birth to you, you was a mistake, okay? Get it, girl. I like it. I like, by the way, I don't think I've ever heard go fuck your mom and when you fuck your mom, tell her to shut up. It's actually a pretty great insult.

It's saying go fuck your mom and whatever noise she's making, you tell her to shut the fuck up and take it. She's ruthless, man. She's great. I really like her. You have no rights to say I'm retarded because your mom didn't give birth to a shit-hole like you.

You are shit-ass-hole. Get it. Yeah, girl, good for you. She's fired up. I like the heat. Yeah. I like her fire. She's very fiery.

Can I tell you, if we trained women to be more like her, I feel like the world would be a better place, like to stand up for yourself and not take any shit. Be a lot. I think that's good. Gotta be so retarded. Yeah. A lot less Harvey Weinstein action happening in the world.

You know what I mean? Striking back. You think he could take advantage of her? No, I think she's... She's calling the shots today. She really is. She's a fucking animal. I like her.

Yeah. You can sense her rage. She's really upset. I feel like that's what the internet's for. A lot of people, it functions as a place to just let your rage out. I have a feeling she's been called that a few times though. The R-word?

Yeah. I don't even want to say it, but the R-word. You think she's been called? I don't think she seems that way. But, you know, hey. Yeah. Potato, potato. It's a very hurtful word, you know?

It is. Do like a toy. It is. So you shouldn't say it. Yep. Goodness. I mean, she's maybe not as sensitive to the word as we are, because she's of a different culture,

so we're going to be a little forgiving here. Yeah, you can let her say what she said. That's her opinion. But yeah, it's here in the United States. Very sensitive. I don't know where she's from, but here in the United States, you can't talk like that.

Do you want to fuck with my wife? Similar. Similar, sorry. Similar. Similar. I think she might be Thai. You think so? Thai.

What? No, no, like that. A little, I hear that. Okay. Well, you're the master of accents, you tell us. I don't know, actually. I don't know where she's from. Cambodia.

I need to polish up on some of my Asian dialects. Can we please talk about our show now? Yeah, we can talk about our show now. A lot of good stuff happening. Where is it? I had it here for us. Oh, yeah. Real talk.

Oh, yeah. Real talk. Oh, yeah. Real talk. Oh, yeah. Real talk. Oh. So that's our reality show stinger that we had made a long time ago.

It's been a while. But we haven't delved into... Delved. Delved into a reality show in a while. We've been watching more scripted stuff, which is, you know... Right. Well, I'll tell you why. I'm a huge fan of the reality genre.

I love it. I feel as though... You got me into shows. Oh, good. I used to never watch any of those. But they're not making them as real as they used to. They're so fabricated now. But this one is.

But this one's a documentary type style. Well, yeah. It's a series. I mean, it has a run. It's on Netflix here in the U.S. I say that because we have a worldwide audience. Oh, boy. Anyways, the show is Aged Gap Love, right?

Yeah. Aged Gap Love. And we talked about it last week. But my goodness, I thought it was a one-off. Because that's kind of how it was presented. Yes. I was just tackling one subject. And then I hit more episodes.

And there's a whole season. I'm so obsessed. I know. I haven't seen you this joyful since you got into your narcos, telling Ovella. I think the reason that I'm so obsessed is the show is permission for me to bring out my worst personality traits. My most critical, mean, mean-spirited, but funny

and fun personality traits. The whole time I just shake my head and I'm like, ugh. Disgusting. People are disgusting. They're so gross. All the old people are gross. The makeup's all fucked up on the teeth.

The young people are gross. The whole thing is just gross. And I have so much fun just hating them the whole time. Oh, I think that's going to be our guest one second. All right. Our guest is here. He's fueling up with caffeine. He said he refused to come on unless he had coffee.

I was like, all right. Jeez. Yeah, he was very, very demanding. So, you know, we cater to our guests. But yeah, so age gap. Yeah, I love, I don't know. You're right. I haven't had, because sometimes when a reality show,

we get into, you know, it's usually like kind of background music. You don't have to focus on it that much. Right. Like the Shawas of Sunset. It's kind of silly. What is that? Below Deck? The yacht thing?

It's like candy. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, that's, yeah, that's the guy. That's cool. Yeah, it's like candy. You just kind of cat. But this one, I am so into studying. And I also love making a list as it goes on of who's grosser,

like who you'd like to fuck less. Yeah, we pause frequently. See, and the thing is with us as a couple, everyone's like, you guys love each other so much. There's so much love. And I'm like, you know, a lot of our relationship, we're united by stuff we hate. Yeah.

It's actually our ability to sit down and watch a show like that and criticize the shit out of people we don't even know. Yeah. That really bonds us. Ruthlessly do it and with no heart. And just, it's really, if someone were listening, they'd be like, you're a real asshole, man, because we're doing it.

It's such a mean way. But it's, it's, it's just you and I. Like no one's really getting hurt. You know what I would like to do if we could, through licensee, I don't know how that would work, is do like a live streaming of us. You know how we could do it? Or watching the show together.

I'll tell you how we could do it. Yeah. We just say this podcast is going to accompany episode two of Age Got Love and then you press play on it here. Yeah. And we have a different feed and then you just talk Let's do it. as you do it.

Yeah. Can we do it in bed though? I want to be able to lay in bed with the dogs. It's possible. Yeah. You can just bring a Zoom recorder up there. Yeah. What I was, I mean, my favorite was so the new champion of grossness

because every episode you introduce new older people and we're like, that person is disgusting. So there's a guy now who is like the champ of gross. I don't think which one you feel it. Because we have different. It was a new champ. No, no. He had the really long white hair and he used to be a minister.

He's so nasty. And his, his, so age, you know, this age gap is 40 plus years or something and she's like pretty nice looking gal. Normal. Yeah. And she's like, yeah, they start talking about the makeover that he's, you go, oh, she's going to give him a makeover and it's like, no, no, no.

This is him post-makeover. Right. So he's got his long white. He's already had it. And you're like, what? And she starts talking about when I met him, his breath was really sour. Like what?

And she goes his teeth. I asked him when last time he went to the dentist and he said 20 some years. And she goes, so she goes, you could really smell his breath strongly and his teeth, she goes now, you know, he's had his teeth white and you're like whitened. Those motherfuckers are green. They went from green to yellow.

Yeah. And she's like, and his breath is like passable now. And you're like, oh my God. I mean, he is so, so gnarly. And this poor girl is like fucking 30 or something. Yeah. And they have five kids running around the house. I just loved, you know what it is?

I think it's why everybody likes those shows. You just end up feeling better about yourself and the decisions you've made and where you're at. Of course. When you get to look into somebody else's home. Well, I was wondering, the breath alone is such a deterrent for me. And somebody's mouth being that jacked up.

Yeah. Like what, what did she like about him? I'm not sure we know. I don't know. That's the problem with these couples. I think it was just, you know what I think it was, because they met in church. I think it was, there was some type of power dynamic.

She saw that he was the minister. So she sees him in front of the church. Right. He's not, he's a father figure literally to people, not, you know, in life. In other words, he's giving them guidance and advice. Right. I think, yes, she was attracted to that paternal energy.

Yeah. And he told, you know, he would give the sermon every week and this and that. And then, but then she's like, but physically he was repulsive. Yeah. You're like, what? How are you banging this guy? I don't know.

It's astounding. It's really crazy. Jesus. My, but my least favorite one actually is the Florida, the acting couple or the guys like 60 and she's 22. Yeah. And she was homeschooled and she grew up in a religious upbringing. So she's totally socially R worded.

Yes. One might say and he's like not, he's not bad looking objectively for an older gentleman. Yeah. But he's such, You don't say that I look and sound retarded. Okay. Yeah.

But he, he, he's such a boner, a dad boner. Like his jokes are like, well, this is the size of a small child. And they're like, oh my God, your personality is so unbearable. Well, you were right about this. This is one of my favorite people. And the thing is that that guy, I thought was less physically gross, but he is creepier. There's something.

There's a creep factor. There's a creep factor because there's something he's disguising with that aw shucks bullshit. Yes. It's phony. Yeah. And it's, it's, Yes.

Cause you know, you know, he's praying upon this. She is now 22. They met when she was like fucking 18. Yeah. And you know, he's like, ah, shucks. There's some bullshit there. So that's scarier for that guy. She's taken, he's really taken advantage of her naivete.

Definitely. Yeah. It's not fair. They, you know what it is too. I almost, I have more respect for the trophy wife and the older gentlemen couple. Yeah. Just because there's an even exchange of power. There's an even exchange.

It's good looks and getting laid for money. Yeah. Older guy, younger woman, but she's hot. He's got the money. So there's an exchange. There's a contract. But when the balance is totally not fair. Yeah.

Where it's like she's, you know, 17 when we met home school, totally naive. You know, you know the world, bro. Yeah. You know what you're fucking doing. Right, right, right. And he ain't that wealthy. You know what I'm saying? Like she's doing her own dishes and shit.

Yeah. They ain't, they ain't going, they're going to fucking chilies for dinner. I would like that camera to stay rolling in that house. Ooh, I know. That one's the one. For a couple of years when she finally wisest up. She'll wise up at some point. Yeah.

It's, it's unequal. What about the older lady who her 28 year old boo boo is doing her toenails, filing her nails and her feet down. And they're rotten. They're rotten and crusted. He likes to give me a pedicure. No, she's, uh, they're American. Yeah.

She's, she is a troll. She's her idiot. And something's really fucked up with that guy. Yeah. He's weird too. He's on some type of spectrum because he doesn't, it's not the eyes. No. The eyes are not registering regular emotions.

And he's looking and I saw her and we kissed and we kissed and she keeps, she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. She, she's, dude, it's gnarly. He's touched. He's touched too. So she's taking advantage of some nice looking touched guy. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

He's touched. He's really touched. He's definitely our word. Yeah. And she's taking advantage of that. And he's pedicuring those horrendous fucking mops on her. It's just gross. What are you going to give me a pedicure?

If they looked like that, I wouldn't let go near anything like that. I can't even reach my toes anymore. When are you going to start doing it? I mean, I would do that for you, but you don't, but here's the truth. You don't look like that. And that's why I would do that for you. Thank you. If you looked like her, I'd just file papers or just serve you.

Babe. I mean, she's so disgusting. She is disgusting. There is, it is fucked up too as a spouse where you just let yourself go. It's not fair. It's not fair to do to somebody. I don't know. All right.

All right. Give me one second. Let me bring our guest in and I'm very excited. All right. We're back. We're back. Yeah. We were talking about our son's name, Ellis.

Yes. It is true that we saw, we saw the movie Mudd. Yeah. Matthew McConaughey movie. I thought you named him after Doc Ellis. No, people have pitched the game on acid. We both have immigrant. I like that better.

I know it's a good one. We both have immigrant parents as you do. So then people were like, oh, Ellis Island. That's what we were like. Yeah. That's the last thing I would have thought. So I'm like, yeah. But actually that's the one I have to bring up whenever somebody goes, what's his name?

I have to go like, you know, like Ellis Island. They're like, yeah, I'm like, okay, that's his name. Yeah. Say Ellis like the island. Ellis like the island. I like it. That's a great name. Thanks.

He's a great kid. Yeah, he is. Well, with us is the fantastic Tom Rhodes. International comedic superstar Tom Rhodes. Who's not a stranger to your mom's house. It's been a long time. It's been a long time in Redondo we had. It's been a long time, man.

We had such a good time. I thought, wow, I'm going to be a regular on this show. Well, no, we stopped doing guests. We stopped guests for two years. Oh, okay. No guests. Yeah. And we did The Colligan Man.

Remember he goes, I hate Colligan Man. That's what a great memory you have. That's so great. I loved you. Because I had fans of your podcast that came to my shows and said, hey, Colligan Man. That was funny. That's so silly. But you two are, you're like a world-renowned comedian.

You're at like... You really do. Yeah. You're a road dog to the max. Like, people are like, oh yeah, I do the road. I'm like, you don't do the road like Tom Rhodes does the road. You really have, you've done it. You've done comedy fucking everywhere, man.

Yeah. Well, I, you know, I've been doing the international circuits for 20 years. What? That's been 20 years. And, you know, I had that sitcom many years ago on NBC. And when the sitcom finished, I had a lot of money. And I had played everywhere in the United States. And I looked at my money as like kind of my NBC artist grant.

Yeah. And I started taking trips to London and invested in myself, slept on a friend's couch. And actually the movie Phantom Thread, the thing I liked the best about that movie is it takes place on Fitzroy Square. Mm-hmm. And my friend Rich Hall, he lived on Fitzroy Square and he gave me a key to his apartment. That's a... So that's where I would stay when I would go to London.

And it's like a short walk to the London comedy store. Oh, that's great. Phantom Thread. Phantom Thread. So, you know, people know that's P.T. Anderson's new movie. Oh, P.T. Anderson. Paul Thomas Anderson's new movie. Oh.

I love Paul Thomas Anderson. Oh my God. He's so amazing. I haven't seen it, but he's such an amazing... I bombed in front of him like a month ago. Oh, cool. Bad. So...

I'm a really cool guy. And it's a, you know, it's a great film. But I love the fact that it takes place on Fitzroy Square. But you've also... You've done, I mean, London, but you've done all over Asia, the South Pacific. But what I was going to say was London was the key to the international circuits for me. I got him with London and then that led to gigs around Europe and Asia and Australia.

Can I ask you this? Because I want to know if this happens to you. When you step into a whole other country, in other words, whether it's a European country or Asia, do you have first show anxiety of, like, is this going to work? I think that's the... For me, that's kind of the drug. That's the fuel. Is this fear of, oh, shit.

This might not work. Well, what is going to work? And then the fact that you have to think so quickly on your feet, like... People don't realize. Oh, this reference isn't going to work. Yeah. You know how, like, when you're locked and loaded in your brain and you're telling a story and your brain is thinking, okay, I'm going to go into this little section.

Yeah. Or I'm going to talk about this next, and then you get this little panic fear of, oh, my God, is that going to work? But that's what you're addicted to in a way. It is, actually. That's so funny. Yeah. And then, like, it's really cool, like, when I'll do a...

You know, I didn't live anywhere for 10 years. I put everything into storage. And, like, the last time I did your show, I wasn't living anywhere. No, that's right. So crazy. And it was really cool. So I would do three or four months a year in Europe and then a month in Asia, a month in Australia, six months all over the States.

But, like, when you got, like, a week in Ireland booked and a week in England and then a week in Holland, it's, like, it's different. So you're like, oh, okay, wow, Ireland was great. And, you know, I really got the hang of it by the end of the week. And Irish audiences are the best. And then you go to England and you're like, it's completely different. Really? Yeah.

Irish audiences are just down for it? Well, Irish audiences, Irish... You can tell, you can see it in their comedians that there's a storytelling tradition. Yeah, yeah. So they really love stories. Yeah. And then you go to England and they like self-deprecation. Right.

You know, you don't see, I've never seen, like, a real arrogant, I mean, Jimmy Carr, but you never see, like, jacked up, arrogant English comedians. That's true. You know, they're always pooping on themselves. That's seen as, like, an American quality. Yeah. The bravado and the like. And then I save the day is an American thing.

And, like, the British sentiment would be like, and then I fucked up the day for everybody. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I remember I did the Edinburgh Festival in 2014 and this woman wrote this review of me and she said, don't we all wish we could be as confident as the Americans? Oh, yeah. And it's like, it's so stupid. Like, I've had ups and downs in my life, you know? Sure.

You guys know me personally. My dad and my sister died. And I went into, emotionally, I was in the toilet. Yeah. I was heartbroken over losing these people that I loved. And it took me a while to build back my confidence. And then here's this woman going, oh, it's this American quality. No, it's, we're each individually fighting our own fight in life.

And, you know, things happen. Of course. And you've got to constantly be coming back from the brink, whatever you are. One thing I do not like about the festivals and the overseas comedy scene, like the one thing, I do not like the idea of reviews all the time. I really don't, because you don't have any exposure to it when you're kind of US based. Like, you do shows everywhere. No one ever does a fucking, like, you know, I mean, once in a blue moon, maybe some city

beat blog will be like, I went to the show and they kind of do, but like, when you start doing some of these festivals and you see all out, I think it's just such a departure from what I'm used to. I was never a fan of that. Even if it's like a nice review, you're still like, I don't know, it just feels like you shouldn't be doing a write up. Yeah. Who are they qualified?

What is your qualification? Yeah, just some fucking person. But you know, it's gotten even worse because like in Edinburgh, the newspapers in England used to pay for these reviewers to go up there. Uh-huh. And most all of those newspapers cut their, their budgets. Oh, sure. So now you've got, you've got anybody with a website.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Reviewing things. And you're like, and like there's like college kids writing, it's like, what? Yeah. Who are you? I've seen some of those, by the way, that are absurd for, because in one place you do see the review here, stateside, is colleges.

I've done colleges and the reviews, it's not even that they're, they're critical. It's so bad. Just such terrible writing because it's just like a freshman, you know, journalist. It'll be like, I went to see Tom Segura at our student performing art center. He opened with a joke about how cold it was here. The joke went like this, but I thought it was very funny. Christ. He next tackled these topics.

Some of them, like, and it's very just, you know, stating a fact, stating a fact, stating the line, stating review. And it's like, you're putting that out into the internet memory bank. It's just, it's, it's terrible. It gave away your joke. Of course it gave away the joke. Then he would do like quote, like long things. You're like, dude.

Yeah. There's an English, I hate to bring it up this website. It's a comedy website. And they wrote something about a joke that I did about, not a joke. It's a story that happened to me. And it's a joke on my new album. And my wife, Ashton, and I were talking about the Me Too movement. We did an episode for my podcast and talking about experiences.

And I talked about this comedian who had tricked me into going back to his apartment when I was a very young man. And, and then in this comedy website in England wrote this salacious story. I mean, they wasn't, wasn't salacious. The headline was Tom Rhodes accuses such and such comedian of sexual assault. And then they quoted my joke and they quoted us talking about it on the podcast. And one of the things that bothered me the most, well, I mean, you know, they're trying to get click bait.

Yeah. I didn't accuse the guy of sexual assault. I tell the story of a creepy, older, famous man who, you know, tried to trick me and got me back to his apartment and manhandled me. Yeah. But he didn't punch me. He didn't penetrate me. Yeah.

It wasn't, you know, and I think the sexual assault is such a serious issue in the, in the world right now. Yeah. How dare this, this site. It's kind of trying to get like, yeah, trivializing the, the, the movement. Yeah. And, and then also they gave away my story. Yeah.

Punchline. Oh, geez. That's the worst. No, it was wrong on many levels. But what qualifies anybody to be a critic? I mean, even if you look at, uh, Siskel and, and fuck Bert or what are their names? Ebert. Yeah.

Rebert. They're dead. They're both, yeah. Apparently they both hated each other too. Hated each other's guts. So these are two men who are full of hate. I'm assuming too. Either a failed artist or whatever it is.

Yeah. One of them made like, it's one of those celebrated awful movies. Right. When it was Ebert made. Like a Rotten Tomato. Like Galley of the Dolls 2 or something. He's a shit movie. So like, so you're a failed filmmaker yourself and that qualifies you to criticize other people.

How? I know. Like it's just, I don't know. I hate people that criticize art. Every. Like what are you talking about? That's why I roll my eyes at every top 10 list. Ugh.

Like as if anyone. Get your life. Here's the thing. Everybody can write a top 10 list and technically everyone's right because it's your fucking top 10 list. But the idea that we would make one person's top 10 lists as credible, whether it's movies, music, books, comedy. Like why is your top 10 list of value?

You're just, you don't even do it. You don't do the thing that you're saying you have the authority on. Like you're not a musician. Right. You don't write music. If Bill Burr would have print out like, top 10 specials. I'd be like, all right, that's fucking Bill Burr. Let's listen to that guy's opinion on, you know, comedy.

It's absurd. But uh-huh. I know. It's so gross. Why don't we fucking listen to these jackoffs? There's a lot of good movies that they got terrible scores on. I know. We don't, we totally discredit when you're going through the iTunes or something like,

I don't even listen to that guy. Let's see if it's good. Yeah. There's only, I mean, the only ones that are pretty much their spot on is if it has single digit approval. Like if it's like 8% of people like this movie, it might be dog shit. But if it's, if it's 35%, it could be a decent movie. Yeah.

Some people, you know, just didn't resonate with that and their sensibilities. Well, you look at the Oscars and you're like, is America really watching these movies? I know. That the Academy has a big heart on. I gotta tell you, they made this big push now, but now every category has like 10 nominees. Oh yeah. It's just too many nominees, man. Oh my goodness.

You got too many people up for something. I watched Shape of Water last night. How was it? I haven't yet to see it. It was yet. You know what? I can see. I think that's the review.

That's the review. Yeah. I mean, I really wanted to get out to win, but I can see why Shape of Water did, what did win because, and at the very end of the movie, I go, ah, I get it. It was a love story. Yeah. I mean, it's a woman and a fish. They're fucked.

You know, I mean, you remember Splash? We all loved Splash. Right, right, right. You know, it's, and so I thought, yeah, well, Get Out was a horror movie and horror movies never win. Yeah. My wife loves three billboards, you know, which is about hate and people dealing with hate, which really speaks to, you know, where the world is today.

There's, you know, so much hate on, on all these levels out, dude. It's such, I, I'm, I don't know, I could, I could step into a class about that. I think so. I think, I think he should have won because the guy invented his own genre, which hasn't been done since Quentin Tarantino in 1992 with Reservoir Dogs. That was like such a, oh wow, it's kind of invented his own genre. Yeah. So for that alone.

And hearing him talk about, like, I love Jordan Peele, Peele saying that he started and stopped writing this movie like 20 times, you know, and, and then thinking that people wouldn't like it. It's like this movie never get made. And when I lived in Amsterdam, Jordan Peele was in Boom Chicago. This improv theater in Amsterdam. And I had a late night talk show on the Dutch television and I, I would stop by there. There was a bar out front.

It was in my neighborhood. And he was the guy that I would talk to. I'd pop in there and he was a sweetheart of a guy and I, you know, I, very just lovable, wonderful guy. And it's funny, like when you know somebody and they, they knock it out of the park, you know, like I watched your special, I felt the same way. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah.

It's, it's, it's like a good feeling when you see people. Totally. Knock it out of the park. What about my special? You didn't mention one? I did love your special as well. Thank you. Okay, go ahead.

But what was it? It's, was that a year ago? Oh my God. There you go. I haven't, I haven't had one in, in many years. Well, I'm believe it was October. Was it October? It was a while ago now.

I'm sorry. It's kind of old news now. It's all new. It's October 27th. It's, it's all new. Was it really? Okay. I'm so sorry.

I don't care. I'm so sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead. No, but here's the thing. I'll say this before, the thing about. It's fine. It's fine.

The thing about that. I loved your special. See, it was great. Now I'm going to feel better over this. You know. What's it called? Like I'm the mom or something? What's it called?

Oh my God. You guys. Her special. No, it's called mother inferior, which is the best title. Mother inferior. I'm just kidding. I'm totally joking. But one thing I love, the thing I love about, I'm so disappointed in so many movies.

You know, I mean, you go into movie, you want, you want to be surprised, you want to have things happen that really you didn't expect and so many movies when you press play, it's a blueprint that they're following. You go, like, this is this scene. I know what the next scene does. This sets up that. This is that relationship. Here's the conflict.

Here's the resolution. Yeah. I saw the movie the whole time. The thing I love about get out is just so many layers and so many elements of surprise. Like you're, you're constantly like, holy shit. This means that. And this is, you know, like you're the fact that, that you could watch a movie and be surprised so many times captivated by the story.

That's what to me was like the most amazing thing about that film. Totally. Like when the woman's hitting the tea cup and he's falling down the hole. It's like the metaphor of the sunken place and, you know, institutional race. It's just an incredible. If you haven't seen Get Out at this point, it's, you know, it really is an amazing movie. They people. So sorry to people have emailed that a few weeks ago, they were blown away by your chicken

noises that you do a really good chicken noise. I guess you did one on the show and I'm so used to your chicken calling that it didn't really stand out. I mean, you know, it's in my special time and, you know, I am not going to watch any more movies until I go watch your special again. There we go. And I'm going to write the most loving review. There it is.

It has ever been written. Jokes, guys. It's the craziest, most unique, odd, I mean, I like her hat. People do things here that you don't ever see any place else. One competition that people flock to for locals really needs no introduction. Wow. Probably because it's not hard to hear. This is the National Cluck-Off where people from all over the United States come and compete

to see if we can mimic a chicken the best. That's great. You know, I'm from Ovido, Florida, and Ovido is famous for the Ovido chickens that walk around on the little downtown area. Where is Ovido? Is that Panhandleria? No, no, no, no, no, it's east of Orlando about... Oh.

I mean, it was a charming... A Cocoa Beach kind of? Towards Cocoa. Okay. It was a charming little citrus village when I grew up there and now they built a circular highway around Orlando and it is a highway exit now. There's a Chili's and a Target and all that. All right.

But there's still a little downtown area and there's a Popeye's fried chicken, which is funny because these chickens walk around in the parking lot. Oh, God. And that's the one thing my little town was known for, was the... Was the chickens. The Ovido chickens. Wow. Well, to tie this all together, I mean, people are asking...

Oh, they're hankering for it. They want to say... You got it. They say, can Christine... No, I can't do the call. The rooster call is very... No, that's different. That's specific.

But you have done some impressive animal noises. I think you did the goat. I can do a good goat. Is it sheep goat? Okay. We'll start with the chicken. Okay, let's open it. Yeah, the pressure's on now.

But this is when the winners step up. Yeah, loosen up my face. I can't laugh, though. I can't laugh. That was great. Really great. Yeah. What do you think?

That was really good. Thank you. Thanks, guys. What do I win? You could compete. You could compete. That was really great. Thank you.

Can you guys do a chicken? I don't think I can. What kind of animal sounds can you guys do? I don't know. That was really good. Brigade! That is not you. That was me.

I just did it. Come on. What animal sound can you do? I like how you stuck out your chin like that, too. I'm not... I don't do... I'm a master of accents, but I don't do... Oh, I'm a master of animals.

Yeah, here... They want to know if you can beat this guy. Okay. The man entered the cluck-a-gon and didn't lay an egg. The cluck-a-gon. As he took home his 12th... That's right, 12th. Whoa.

National cluck-off title. It's like music. You can say you have an ear for it. I have an ear for animal sounds. Any barnyard animal can pretty much mimic. Wow. That is a talent. Where is that?

Where was that? I don't know. I wish it were in L.A. Yeah. It's the craziest, most unique... Chicken show. Odd. I mean...

I don't know where this is. It's been an old age question. What came first? The chicken or the egg? Oh, God. What a boring intro. I mean... Do you want to hear my goat?

I do. Okay, ready? There's also a visual light, right? Yeah. You like that one? Yeah, that was really good. One man entered the cluck-a-gon. The cluck-a-gon.

The cluck-a-gon. Come on, guys. Step up your hand. That was really good. See, you do have a skill for this. That's right. They spotted it correctly. Yeah.

You're really good. I can pick terrible reality shows and I can make animal noises. Yeah. That's all I got. Yeah. That's what I got. What's your talent? What's your odd talent?

Oh, wow. Can you wiggle your ears? Double-jointed. Can you flip your eyelids? I... Wow. I haven't... Can you pick your nose with your tongue?

No, I cannot. When you traveled Europe so much, did you ever meet this guy? Yes. What? I was thirsty. Those nipples are disturbing. I want to breastfeed you. Oh, my God.

It's so hard. Why did you associate me with this video? Europe? You've traveled Europe a lot. That's everybody in Europe. Yeah, that's how they are, right? I don't know. You spent more time there than me.

Those are so thick, right? That is so bizarre. Yeah. What about the offer from that gentleman in his apartment? Should we play that for him? Should we have roads? Assess? Yeah.

Which offer, though? You know, try. Oh, yeah. You want to go all classic on him? Well, I feel like it's been a while since you've been in your mom's house. You should know what we're talking about. Okay, yeah. Tell me if you...

Topical. I don't know. If you're down with this or if you want... Oh, yeah. Because you always... You said that... Well, now you have a place to live. But if you ever travel again and you need a place to live...

Black guys love to fuck and fuck good. If you're a hot black guy and you want to fuck me at $23.95, if you want to move in, you can move in, but you got to fuck me. I need to be fucked a lot, man. You get free food, free rent and everything else, man. It's a deal, man. Men from jail, homeless or... You're a thug.

You want to come and move in. A friend can move in with you, too, man. You think he would have at least sat up to me? The fact that he's like... It's a bad angle to be lying down. You're looking for a sexual mate, partner. There's a whole lot of wrong... You don't want that double chin angle.

You're the first guy to mention his position. I mean, you should be sitting up at least. At least. A little more lighting. Better lighting. Cover up those under eye circles. Yeah. Better background.

Foundation. Yeah, a little something. Wow. But anyways, free rent. If you're ever in... I don't know, forget what city, but I'll find out. The great thing about not living anywhere for 10 years and then getting out of storage,

my apartment looks like a National Geographic gift shop. Oh my God. Does it really? Yeah. And then I was blown away to find... I didn't know your mother was from Peru. Yeah. And if you come to my apartment, I've got Peruvian blankets.

You said you love Peru. Peru is my favorite place I have ever been in my life. And my all-time favorite souvenir I ever bought anywhere in the world, and I've been doing a joke about it, is my handcrafted Peruvian chest set. And it is the Incas versus the Spanish Conquistadors. Yeah. Well, we know who won that one.

And I suck at chess whenever I play. I'm the Incas. So when I get slaughtered, it's historically accurate. That's hilarious. But yeah, when I lived in Amsterdam, I had a late night talk show for two years, and then the same network let me be a presenter on a travel show for a year. And I got to film a highlight on Peru.

So I didn't go to the Amazon north part, but I went almost everywhere else. I traveled, I was there for like almost two weeks, and it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. Did you do it in Amsterdam? I did not. You know, when you're filming a television show. Oh, that too.

Unless you're Anthony Bourdain. Or if it's like Vice or something, then it would be all about. I've never taken my wife there. I know. And you let this man impregnate you without taking you to the motherland? And now it's too late. We got too little. We have to wait until they're older.

I know. I want to take Osna there. She's nervous about it. She read something about Shining Path. I'm like, that was gone. What's that? That's the terrorist organization. Like in the 80s.

Oh, gosh. Dude, I was there when they were setting off bombs. Like living in, I was spending my summers in Peru and you would hear like. Oh my God. And you see like buildings shake. Wow. Windows shatter. And the next morning I would call my parents, you know, in the U.S.

I'd be like, yeah, they, you know, Shining Path set off a 2000 pound bomb yesterday. And they're like, yeah. So everything else good, buddy? I'm like, Jesus, you're not nervous at all. They're like, no. When we went to Machu Picchu, when we left the road outside of Machu Picchu, some like kind of country road, people, they had, there was some protest of some kind going on and they had rolled massive boulders off of the mountains into the road.

They would block the, that was apparently a way of protesting in Peru. I did not know that. So that's some like really rural shit though. Yeah. Yeah. We got no other way to voice our displeasure. Of course. Somebody get up there with a.

Oh my gosh. Now they got, I mean that, that, that organization is long gone, man. No, I know. I'll be my old Guzman as the leader of the Shining Path. He's been prisoned for life. He's there in an island prison like their Alcatraz. I want to go back and spend more time in Cusco. Great.

It was the, it was the Rome of the Inca Empire. Oh. And there's this famous. We have a month from Cusco. Can I ramble about this? Yeah. There's this famous 12-sided stone. Uh-huh.

The Incas did not use mortar. There's, and this stone is like 10 tons and it's a 12-sided stone and it's in this foundation wall. And the, the metaphor is that no stone is too irregular not to fit in place somewhere. That was the way that they. That's the way that they did their masonry. I love that. That's cool.

That when you're in Machu Picchu and you see these, you know, 15 foot, 5,000 pound stones and they're laying flush with another stone. And all they can do is hypothesize about like there is, they're like, they're like we would today in 2018, we would use tractors and bulldozers and, you know, equipment and they're like, we have just theories. We don't know how the fuck they built this and how things. It's crazy. Moved and laid like that.

Some people think aliens might have. Yeah. I mean, they just don't know. It's, it's, it's really crazy. It's so impossible. And they're like, you know, they had thousands of people, but we still don't know how they would make it look. And I mean, it's, they made buildings out of rocks.

It's crazy. The way the, the like home dwellings are, are laid out that the, there's still running water that runs through them, which is amazing. And they took you to the sacrificial channel. They used to just slaughter people. Oh, cool. Everything is positioned so that, you know, you could worship the sun. Fucking stupid primitive.

Yeah. We got to bring this stuff back. Yeah, man. Really great. Well, my favorite thing, the train from Cusco to Puno. You can, the last car, the Inca class is the first class and the last two cars on the train have leather arm chairs. Yeah.

So the regular train ticket is like $14. And then. That's from Cusco to Machu Picchu. Cusco to Puno. Oh, to Puno. Seven hours through the Andes. Okay. Puno is the biggest city on Lake Titicaca.

Okay. And yeah. Yeah. You know, it's on the shores of Lake Titicaca. The statue of Beavis and Butthead laughing. So one of my favorite things I've ever done in my life. So the last two cars is the first class and it's only like $27 bucks. You got leather arm chairs and the caboose is a bar car.

And the ass end of the caboose is an out open air banister. So you can get a cocktail at the bar and then you're like leaning against the banister as you're going through the Andes. And then there's like herds of llama. It's just absolutely amazing. That's awesome. You should go sometime. Yeah.

We'll see. I got other shit going on. Yeah. You know, it's so funny you said that your parents would send you to Peru and my parents let my friends, my best friend Sean and I go in the summer of 94. We were 17 years old, not yet 18. My dad like just let us go to Hungary and this is right after communism fell. This is only two years after the Iron Curtain fell.

So Budapest was still, it's like pretty much corrupt still run by the Russian mafia. The apartment that we stayed at didn't have a phone. We had to use the phone. See you later bitch. And on the corner of where our apartment was in Hungary was a place called the Black Rouge. It was a strip club. So there was like terrible elements and we would just, you know, we were 17. So we were out at night like boozing because you could drink in Hungary.

No one gives a shit. I'm like 17 with my best friend like running these streets. I would never let my kid go at 17, but they thought Hungary was the way it was when they were, you know, when they were living there during communism, when it was safe, but like not at all. I thought my parents were going to panic the morning after this one particularly notable bomb was set off because it was, it was so powerful that, you know, we were, we were let's say 15 minutes outside of downtown Lima.

And in the house that I was staying in with my uncle and my cousins and aunt lived, they had this, a window that was like an old school. It was like like 150 pound. Try Amazon. You think so? No. So it was like a 150 pound window that you had to, you used a crank, right? And it would like go, it was open by a crank, really heavy and enormous.

And in the middle of the night, the bomb that went off was so big downtown that that window blew open. Oh my God. And then just shattered everything. And it was, it was national news. I mean it was international news because, you know, the shining path movement was growing. And I thought they were going to be like, you're getting on a plane today. Right.

It barely registered to my parents. I was like, did you see it? It's on CNN. They're like, yeah. Well, you know, so it goes. You got, so you guys going to go do this. You're going to go to the school today. I'm like, yeah, like, yeah, worried about this shit at all.

And my uncle was in media. So they're like, your uncle is a target because the shining path would target people with influence. You know, so they're like, he had bodyguards and I'm like, you're not worried about this. Good thing my family didn't have any influence. Yeah. Scumbag. Just Hungarian.

Totally ridiculous. What the fuck, man? What's wrong with our parents? So did you know that one of our guys, this guy here, who's also legendary on our show. Before you have sex, if you want to be horny for two or three hours, like you've never been in your life and you have access to marijuana too. Good weed. Listen to me.

True weed alone can get you really horny or the normal, but it's been in drill. Take about 10, 12 been in drill before you want to have your sexual fun with your partner or whatever you do or masturbate. So what do you think first of all about 10 and 12? After looking at that guy, I never went to have sex ever again. That guy was really disturbing. Yeah. So he's been featured on the program a few times and he's back.

Oh. Yeah. And we have an update. Well, he has a, I guess this is just a commentary that he has on a topic that is important to us. Bet you his view counts have gone way up recently. For what reason? I don't know.

It's kind of an audience now. Let's see if you agree with what he says here. Sure, sure. He makes sense. So I was wondering to ask you Dennis and Dr. Speard. For now, the Dennis. Do you really wish that all of us would have no more troubles with their gums or teeth? Because if you do, then you don't make any money and you don't have a life anymore and

you wasted your life. So if Christ comes right now and says, well, I'm going to heal everyone on this planet, I'm going to heal their teeth, then where does that leave you? Man. Wow. Right. Wow. Right.

I have more serious issues with my dentist than this. Yeah. I mean, that's ridiculous. I mean. Wait, you're saying that he has a ridiculous beef with something irrational. It's an irrational beef. First of all, if you're going to make a video, put on a shirt. Always put on a shirt.

Always put on a shirt. He has the opposite philosophy. He's never has shirts. It did look like he had some kind of hair gel in his hair though. My dentist displays vacation photos in the waiting area. Oh, my God. I think that just breeds resentment. You're sitting there and there's pictures of him on a boat in the Caribbean, wherever.

He's like, you're about to pay for that. Yeah. How many cavities do you have? You didn't have a cavity, but I just got the bill on this fucking Bahamas. Right. And now you do have some cavities. My kids want to go paragliding. Yeah.

My God. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Well, this guy's got beef with everybody. What I love about it. How did you find this guy? He sent him in. I don't know.

Really? Yeah. I think that my favorite thing though is that he really thinks he cracked a case with this. Right. He's like, no, if you don't have cavities anymore, where are you going to make your money? Right. And he really feels like he solved the case.

He just might dropped himself. He totally might drop it. He's like, where's that? Where does that leave you? Man. Man. Like conspiracies. Yeah.

He's talked some shit. He really talked some shit. I nailed you. I nailed you. I figured out your whole scale. Yeah. Yeah. He's just like a homicide detective.

He's just really solved the case. Yeah. Detective Shalacy's on it. So if you, how's it been by the way? We haven't seen you in a while, but how do you feel being housed now? Oh, yeah. If you went 10 years without a permanent address. I love it.

You like it now? Yeah. Because Ashna loves to cook and it's interesting. The little things in life like having a sock drawer and an underwear drawer really thrills us and the fact that we can buy family size shampoos and everything was travel size forever. And then like we open the fridge and we're like, we own this mustard, our mustard man. And it's nice too. I, this is my third time living in Los Angeles and I used to not like Los Angeles and now

I love it because I'm older, I'm married and now I can appreciate the fine fruits and vegetables that are available in the markets. So good. You know, I lived here 20 years ago when I had the sitcom, I lived on top of the Hollywood Hills in this rock star apartment, all glass walls, a view of all the lights of Los Angeles. I was swimming in cash and then 20 years ago, I lived in, I'm sorry, 10 years ago, I lived in Koreatown and I was broke and now it's like the three bears porridge is just right. Oh, that's awesome.

Good story. I'm not broke. Right. Rich, just kind of, you know, life enjoyable. That seems like you're very content and in a good, very good place. Yeah. That's awesome. But that's got to feel so displacing.

That one thing I didn't like about being on the road was that the constant living out of the suitcase, like when Tom and I were really hardcore road dogs, there was a few years there where, you know, you go out Wednesday, you come home Monday and then you reset it, was just living out of a suitcase. We had a, Ashna, my wife traveled with me for eight of the 10 years that I didn't live anywhere and I told her when we got together, when, you know, she's from Holland and when we, you know, the first year was a long distance relationship and then I said, if you want to be with me, you have to reduce your life to one checked bag and two carry-ons.

And for a woman to reduce her life to like four pairs of shoes, very admirable. She rolled with it. And we had a great adventure, you know, when we had time off, depending where we were, we would go, like, especially now with like Airbnb and Uber and, you know, you can, you can basically live anywhere and have a nice life, you know, four years in a row, we went to Rome and rented an apartment for a week or two after I did like a couple months of gigs in Europe, did a month in Asia, then we went to Bali for a couple weeks. When I was still drinking in the States, when we had time off, we would go to New Orleans.

We loved New Orleans, San Francisco, depending where we were when we had time off because we didn't live anywhere, we could live wherever we wanted. It's great. Because I want to know, with all this traveling with, when she was with you, how often did she go to the show? A lot, actually. Really? Yeah.

That's probably why I married her. But yeah, no. And she, that's one of the things that I love the most about her is she loved not coming from a comedy world. She instantly loved comedy and loved hanging out with comedians. It's so fun when you start hanging out with comics, it's more fun than watching them do that. Yeah, totally.

So like, that was the best thing. And then, you know, doing festivals around the world and then having comedian friends in all these different countries. Go to Australia and then there's this group of comedian friends to hang out with. Go to whatever country and then there's, you know, or go to Chicago, go to New York, and there's that new group of friends every week to hang out with. And I also liked the fact that she was a heavy drinker, that she could hold her liquor. And you know, I was a heavy drinker forever.

Yeah. You gotta have a partner in crime, right? You don't want to be. Yeah. So it was fun. We were, we were partying and hanging out with comedians and when I busted my head open and stopped drinking four years ago, she, she dialed it back. Yeah.

Well, that's great. You guys are a perfect match, man. Yeah. And it's funny because Tom and I are the complete opposite of you guys. Like when, if I would go on the road with him like years ago, I would never go to his show. And like pretty much vice versa. I don't think you ever just sit and watch me adorably like, no, no, because we're so

over it. Well, like I get anxiety being in the room of a show period. It doesn't even matter if it's really actually, I don't like it. I don't like being in the showroom like when I'm not up there. I thought you guys would have like us that, you know, when your partner sees you so often, you know, you got to make your show lively for them. Oh God. I'm the opposite.

I know he's in the room. It's my kryptonite. Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. I hate when he's watching me. Really? Oh my God. There were years I would not let him watch me because it was like, it gave me so much

anxiety because that, you know, me as a human and then to see the only thing that would happen now would be is like, you know, because we know each other so well, it's been so long and it's such like, you know, a deep rooted relationship is if we're in like a work mode, where in other words, she goes, I'm workshopping this thing. Let me know what you think. She might say like, so watch this specifically or vice versa. I'll be like, I'm doing this thing. Do you think this is, this or that?

But then it's like we put on like work brain. It's not, I don't feel like I'm watching my wife, I feel like I'm watching. Disassociation. Disassociating. And then we're like, we're talking about a bit, but just for like the joy of watching it. I can't even. I can't even do it.

I never watch you. I don't like, I don't like watching. Like if I have a spot at the store tonight, if I go there and they're like, I'll find out when am I up? Oh, you're up in, you know, 20 minutes. Someone's on stage right now. I'll pop in, I'll start to watch them. And after a couple of minutes, I'm just like, I got to get out of the room.

Me too. So I have to leave the room. That's funny. I don't like standing there watching it. I still, I love watching comedy. I like, sometimes I'll get there early when I'm at the comedy store. And I like when like somebody is destroying the room before where you can say something and then it's, I'll give you an example.

Like the, at the, I go to New York once or twice a year just to do sets at the comedy seller. I love it. And last summer I went to New York and I had to go on after Amy Schumer. And so Amy Schumer, I had to follow her like three times that week. And you know, she's from New York. She's just hometown hero. Everyone loves her.

She's, she's destroying the place. And she told a story about her father. She said he kind of an asshole. He's got MS or whatever, but she's just her father and she loves him and she's been paying somebody to come and jack him off. And so this was her closer and, and, and, and, and she absolutely destroyed the place. So like you got the, you know, there's the normal anxiety, nervousness as a comedian when you're about to go on stage and you're, you're in your mind about what you want to

talk about. And then when somebody's on before you and they're absolutely ripping the place to shreds and they're, they're being adored and then that adds even an extra layer of intensity to your anxiety. Yeah. That's right. I think you're right. That's what it does for me.

I don't like that. It just came to me the first night I'm like, oh my God, she's absolutely just, oh, I can't believe she's talking about her, her dad like this. So it just came to me like moments before I walked on stage, I walked out there and I, I just acted very kind of shy and, and sheepish and I, hi everybody, um, please forgive me. I'm a little nervous tonight. This, this isn't my normal job.

My normal job is I jack off Amy Schumer's phone. That's great. There you go. I'm not used to working under these bright lights and, uh, normally I worked a candle light with some soft Sinatra in the background and like it just, it's like, it's like, it's like surfing. You know, you jumping on someone else's wave. True.

No, but you know why you, you do that though, because you're a better comedian. That's actually true. I have to go through. No, that's the only time I'll tell you this. The only time I do feel inclined to like, oh, pay attention, pay attention is if someone is ripping the room before me. Yeah. That is, that will make me, but I'm doing that not for my own curiosity.

I'm doing that to be able to be effective and know what's going on. You know, I always watch the person before me just so like, oh, if they, oh, they do this topic or this topic or, you know, we ever thought about with all the touring and all the years you've been doing it. Do you ever, have you ever thought about how many hours you've probably written or no? No. Never thought about it.

Well, I mean, I've put out, I just came out with a new album, All Hail Laughter. And that's my fourth album. But how much unreleased stuff? Yeah. I have no idea. I mean, I have videos and videos of things from the past. I don't know. It's just amazing to me how long I've been doing comedy and is that I can't sell more

tickets in certain places. I got to, I'm in Sacramento next week. Where are you doing? At the punchline. It's such a great room. Great room. I love Sacramento. Yeah.

And Lady Bird was one of my favorite movies of the year. I thought Gretta Gerwig should have won the best act. And I loved the fact that the film took place in Sacramento. It's a scurril coming of age story. Anyway, I get this email yesterday just saying that minimal tickets have been sold. And it's like, when does this anxiety leave you as a performer? How much do you have to do in your life and career where it's like, you know, I shouldn't have to worry about a room like that.

So what though, but the weird thing is they're really, everybody will have a theory and that nobody is 100% right because there is no formula. If we all knew the formula for sure, then everyone would just be like, oh, just do this. But that's the thing. It's like, you just don't know. I mean, sometimes it's something online. Like people start selling tickets off of viral videos now. You know?

Oh yeah. I mean, you can just do something that just blows up online. All of a sudden that sells tickets. Sometimes it's more traditional. It's TV. It's movie or it's a special that really resonates with an audience. But even that, you just don't know it. There's no formula.

That's the most, I don't know, frustrating part, but that's the part that if there was an answer, you know, it's like trying to, how do you make a movie be a blockbuster hit? And they're like, well, it's, you know, it's like, I don't know, it's, I guess you think about things the way you are in your life. Like what am I, I, there's certain comedians I love and like I will go see them, fans of certain people. I love Van Morrison. Van Morrison played at the Wiltern last week.

I saw him once before in New York years ago and he's older. And you know, I went and I'm a fan, I, it's like, I could appreciate just being in the same room with the guy because I love him so much. But only because I'm a huge fan of Van Morrison, I could pick out the five songs that I knew. I think anyone else who went to that show would have thought, oh my God, I can't believe he didn't do Have I Told You Lately or X and Y, I wish he had done more hits or whatever. You know, I, it's, I don't know, it's, I guess people, who knows what I'm trying to say.

Who knows? I don't know. I mean, I know what you're trying to say. If you love somebody, you would support them. Sure. Yeah, yeah, it's true. I guess. No, it's true, it's true.

It comes from having a devotion to being a real, that's what a fan does. I mean, there's like, there's, there's some cities, you know, like San Francisco and Chicago and Atlanta. What's your best city? Oh, I, I love San Francisco, the punchline. Yeah. Like Minneapolis, Acme. That's great.

Atlanta punchline. I've been playing for years, Chicago Zanies, you know, there's, there's, there's a lot of them that I love. Yeah. The Sydney Comedy Store in Australia is one of my favorites. And they're good to you. Yeah. Yeah.

I was there last year and it had been a few years since I had been there. But yeah, I've played there a lot to the years. It's one of my favorite rooms in the world. Have you played there? I did, I did a guest set there when I was, I was in town for a festival a few years back and I got to do it like a guest set there, which was really fun. That was it. That's the most.

I love Australian audiences and, and Sydney's one of my favorite cities in the world. I just had to cancel. I was going to do Sydney next month and why'd you cancel? Because I booked that, that movie. So it's like a good reason to have to cancel. Yeah. But it's fucking my second cancellation. Or, well, maybe when you go back, you'll do the Enmore Theater.

That's what I was booked to do. The Enmore was amazing. I was booked to do it. We were, we were. That part of town, Newtown, is like the, it's the cool gay artsy area. Like if you were an artist or a musician. I'm just bummed because here's the thing now, I want to do, I want to rebook Australia, but I cannot book something again and cancel.

Right. But I don't know what, like, so I want to book something without a lot of a heads up. In other words, I want to be like, hey man, can we try to book Australia for like eight weeks from now so that I know that I can definitely do it? Right. But I don't know if they'll go for that. You know. It's a bit, Melbourne, of course, is an amazing city.

It's awesome. Yeah. Brisbane, Perth. Yeah. Love these places. I was supposed to do all four. Oh my God, the New Zealand, the New Zealand Comedy Festival. Haven't been.

That's, God, that was one of the best months. I refuse to go. I refuse to go. Really? I actually asked to go and the promoters were like, we don't think you should add New Zealand to this. And I was like, why? And they're like, because it's not that big of a market and you're not that big of a name.

And I was like, all right. I just thought it'd be fun. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was like, okay. So I'll just leave it as it. I mean, there was their call. That's what I'm talking about.

After all you've done. They were like, no. Really? Yeah. They said no, though. When I tried to add New Zealand. What does a performer have to do? Well, it's so funny.

Tom and I talk about that, like in our business, you're never, ever enough on the food chain. Like, no matter how successful you are, you're always a piece of shit. We were saying that like, they'll start saying things to you like, and then this is the offer you're going to get. And somebody in your position should be pretty happy with that. Wow. Wow. Yeah, you hear that.

That was what we were talking about when you were going. I got a message about my ticket sales for next week in Sacramento. I'm like, what the fuck do I have to worry? Yeah. And by the way, it is. Not my problem. At what point in your life? It's not only that.

It's your problem. The real job of a real club is that they are supposed, you're supposed to deliver the thing on stage. Yeah. Right. And like you do what you can in your podcast or you post that you're coming somewhere. But they are your promoter. That's the job.

Right. And a lot of clubs don't look at it like that. I know. Now you're supposed to also be there. And that's not your job. You know, now my job is like extra as far as promoting, but they're supposed to promote your show and they're supposed to be creative in ways to get people to come to that show. You know.

And so when they're like, yeah, you didn't sell tickets. I feel like being like, nah, you didn't sell tickets, right? Because you're supposed to let people, what did you do? You send out an email once or something, right? Why don't you be a little more proactive about it? Well, and then they tell you, oh, we got to back out. This amount from your pay, because it cost me like, you know, five grand in advertising. You're like, what?

Did you know that you can ask for five grand? I didn't see any bus posters. I know. Where's the billboard? I didn't see anything. Yeah. Are you fucking joking? You know that you can legally ask for receipts on that?

I would like to. Whenever you do the... Who was it? We're talking about Bill Byrd. And they go, if they do like deductions, they'll say, you know, advertising this, you could be like, I need to see the receipts on that. Or the ubiquitous radio spots where they're like, oh, we spent thousands on radio. You're like, OK, that's really hard to trace.

Like, you should be like, why would you do that? What? I was listening. Yeah. Yeah. Well, my favorite is always, oh, you just missed your bonus by 11 people. Right, right. Yeah, that's the best.

Yeah. You know, if you sell a hundred tickets, you're going to get the bonus and we only sold 89. Yes. It's like, who's fucking counting? I had one time where I did a weekend a few years ago at a club that held, I think the club, the club held, let's say, 350 and I had a bonus that would kick in regardless if it were free or paid tickets. And I had paid tickets, the bonus would kick in at 300.

So if, as long as there were 300 people in the room, I would get the bonus and I had like between 285 and 295 at every show, but paid. Oh, it's great. And they didn't give me, wow, anything. Yeah. And then I called that agent and I was like, what kind of fucking deal is that? I sold tickets. Hard tickets.

Right. And then, but I didn't get that magic number and they're like, we'll get them next time. Next time. No, no. How about I do the other club next time asshole? How about all? Exactly. Yeah.

I love, he's like, he's like some of these club owners driving a brand new Mercedes Benz every year. And it's like, yeah, wow, you just missed the bonus. There's a place in town here where the guy would, they don't pay for, they don't pay you for spots and he would pull up. He'd be like, we can't pay you for spots. He'd pull up in like a new Lexus. Yeah.

That's why I can't pay. Yeah. You can't, you can't dish everybody 15 bucks for this set. No, my, my favorite story in the world, Chad Daniels, who's hilarious, who you're friends with, you guys did that documentary together. Yeah. I need you to kill. Yeah.

So he did some club. I won't say where. And the guy, the owner of the club pays you a different rate contingent upon what time of year you do the club. So in the summer, let's say he'll pay you 1500, but in the winter it's $2,000. And so Chad goes in the summertime and he's working out new material. And the club owner is like upset with that cause he, you know, Chad's working it out. So it's not like kill, kill, kill, kill, kill.

And he knows that Chad's capable of it. Of course. He's super funny. He's a really funny comedian. And so the owner is like, Hey man, what the hell? Like you, you came and you did all this new stuff. Like you're not killing. You know what the fuck?

And he goes, well, he goes, I'm doing my summer set to go with the summer rate. He stuck with doing this new set that wasn't killing. That's just to, just to tell that guy I'm doing my summer set. I don't know him, but now I love him. Oh yeah. That's fantastic. So the guy's like, dude, what the fuck? He's like, well, you know, I'm giving you what you pay for, man, right?

I mean, have you ever heard of that? I didn't know that the club, I never, I know that I know that like, I know clubs, especially in cold markets, is that a room in Texas? No, I'll tell you, I'll tell you after the show. It's in North America, cold market clubs, especially, you know, your mom and pop clubs. Yeah. They will, they're always packed in the winter because people pack up, fill it up. Yeah.

And then clubs in like Texas and Florida in the summer because of the air conditioning. Yeah. So it's interesting. Yeah. So, but like those, those cold places in the, if you sell tickets there in the summer, they're like, all right, you're legit, but they expect to have more empty seats in the summer. And the idea that they'd be like, and that means we're not going to pay you as much

is. Yeah. So it's the business. It's the shittiest man. Do you think this lady is touched or no, let's see. Today, July 6th, 2007, it's about 4.30pm, I'm just wondering what the heck is in our water supply? What the heck is in our oxygen supply of the metallic oxide salt that creates a rainbow

effect in a sprinkler? She thinks there's a government conspiracy. These are chemtrails? Light prisons? Well, you know, when you're offended by beauty, you know, she lives in a good neighborhood when you can hear the sirens in the background and the bullet holes in the fence. But now it's happening now. We as a nation have got to ask ourselves what the hell is going on?

What is oozing out of our brain? We as a nation need to appreciate a rainbow, even on a small level. Well, for people who aren't watching the show, so it's a sprinkler and it's created a natural rainbow. Yeah. And she's convinced that the government has poisoned her water supply. The water, the light. She really broke through that conspiracy, though.

The words that leave you, man. I think to quote Dr. Drew when he came on our show, there is a huge problem with our education system. Yeah. We are fucked. It's pretty bad. Yeah. I feel like a fifth grader knows that, you know, light through water.

Of course. Yeah. They teach you that stuff. Clouds, rainbows. Tom, do you have dates listed on your site? I do. Yeah. Of course.

Let's go through, because this, we are doing, well, that's hardcore pornography. We have... Not on my site. No, no, no, no. It's on Tom Roach. You can see our... No, no, no. I have...

He loves that porn. Thanks for plugging my dates. I'm going to be on... Yes. This is not happening March 16th. Oh, that should be fun. Okay. That's great.

See, this episode will drop in a few weeks. That's what I'm kind of... Oh. So you might have just missed... Tom and Sacramento. Yeah. Tom and Sacramento. Or...

Or is this is not happening? That's hilarious. Might see you. I never would have brought it up. Well, no, but it's just like, you know, I mean... No, but it's true. The... When's your Sacramento date?

March 15th through 17th. He's at the punchline. Maybe we can... We can swap an episode. Do this one. No. Trade out the other one. Doesn't matter, right?

Try it out. Try it out. Then he's going to... Holy shit. He's going to be in Thailand, Vietnam, the Philippines. Jesus. Hong Kong. Later in Austin at...

In Vegas at Brad Garrett's. Lake Tahoe. He's doing... Oh, the Great Tacoma Club. We've both done that and enjoyed that. It's a great room. Spokane. Yeah.

Spokane. I've done that. It's great. I've done LOL. Looks like you're doing LOL. San Antonio. The La Jolla store. San Antonio.

Zainis in Chicago. You're doing Bali. You're going to go to... Oh. To a show in Paris. What's that? Have you done that before? Yeah, actually, I was in Paris in January at this...

I played in Paris a lot, but there's this theater that I played in January and theater La Ouvre. Oh. And I'm booked back there October 15th. Oh. And I am going to film my next hour special. Okay. What?

On this day? On October 15th. All right. So if there's any listeners who is looking for a reason to go to Paris, you should come to my hour special. Dude. Now, when you do Paris, is it mostly expats? I mean, it's obviously...

No, actually, this... When I was there in January, it was mostly French people who spoke English. Wow. My hour special, I need to get some more English speaking people there, but it's a phenomenal room. I have a long history with Paris. My first love of my adult life, I lived with a Parisian woman in San Francisco for seven years.

Okay. Yeah. Natalie. We're still good friends. And the very first time I went to Paris, some guys tried to rob me and I was maced. And... Really? Jesus Christ.

I've got some great stories. I almost drowned in Thailand on this French resort. Do the Parisian audiences get all the nuances of your... They also like stories and they really love theater. So you'll never get a heckler in France. Right. Because the audience is just conditioned to... Watch the show.

Respect the performer on stage. Oh, that's weird. Yeah. But so I've got my best stories traveling the world. I haven't done a special in like five years, I think. So... Dude, this is... It's all my...

Exciting. I cannot believe you're going to do it in Paris. Yeah. That is such a great idea. What size venue is this theater? It holds 350. Perfect. Yeah.

Wonderful. And when I was there in January, I sold 240 tickets. It's amazing that I can sell more tickets in Paris than I can in some clubs in the United States. Well, that's... But Tom, that's... I feel like that's so your thing. Like you're this international comedian, like you're kind of a trailblazer that way.

So this is fantastic. It's great. And I... So great. Thanks, Christina. Yeah. So awesome. And I...

You know, I love Paris. I got great stories and observations. And... I love Paris. It's magic. Are you going to eat a lot while you're there? Yeah. There's this...

Last summer, when I was there, I discovered this Ashna Googled best patisseries. There's this place called Storer, S-T-O-H-R-E-R. And I follow them on Instagram. I'm going to follow them, too. It's the number one rated patisserie in Paris. It's on this street called Rue Montagoya. And this street has got bread shops and cheese shops and it's such an amazing food street. But this patisserie place is the number one rated patisserie.

And when I go to Paris now, I'll take the metro straight there. And like, there's these custard tarts with like raspberries and kiwi slices. On top of it. Well, that's the thing. Like, when I was there, it's, you know, I'm trying to beat... I left breadcrumbs all over the city. These baguettes are only like $1.20 and you just walk around nibbling on bread and cheese during the morning.

And then you're like, I got my little patisserie pastries in a box for whenever I'm ready to sit down. Oh, 500 pounds easily. They would wheel me out to Paris. I would look like, what's that guy that Burt looks like? Gerard Depardieu? Yeah. Have you seen there's a, there's a, there's a food channel show.

He does? Yeah. Where it's, I saw it when I was in Europe. So I don't know if it's, if it's, I thought it was the food channel, but it's, he's basically eating his way through Europe. Dude. And he's so fat. He's so fat.

And you see, like a couple of years ago, there was a big story where he was on a flight and he pissed in the, in the aisle, in the aisle of the plane. And they're like, what the fuck, man? He's like, you know, he's like, he's well over three bills now. Yeah. And they're like, you know, what kind of behavior is that? He's like, well, I drink several bottles of wine every day. Yeah.

So that's a contributes to him gaining that much weight. And also he's just like, so my behavior is just kind of erratic because I'm, I'm drunk. Yeah. Apparently he drinks like console. He like, he starts out with like, with liqueurs. He's, he's got a, I heard about, he's got a regiment of drinking, but he's on this, he's on this food show and this friend who he travels with like explains to him and he's just like stuff in his face with everything.

And like everything is like fried and duck fat. Of course. Yeah. It's so good. Well, he knows what's up, dude. But in moderation, I mean, they don't have to eat the whole goddamn bowl of duck fat. You just riled a little bit. Even a dog turd would taste good Friday.

I know. I mean, Gerard. Yes. There, you know what? There he is. Wow. And that guy doesn't want to pay his taxes. When you pull it up over the belly button, that's when you're committed to the lifestyle.

You know, you don't, you don't sit it below the gut line. Trying to hide it. Yeah. You're like, this is, that's like when you're a kid and you're drawing pictures of fat people. Yeah. That's what that is. And a cigarette.

Wow. You know, what's interesting, Tom, I think we can trace bird as fat to that time. We put Gerard, David, our dude's picture up naked. Remember? That's true. Yeah. And then one of us was, I remember. Look at him with his suspenders.

Oh, that's not him. That's not him. That's somebody else. That's not him. Yeah. But he, yeah, he's, uh, where's the, what was that movie, James? It was in a film and he was nude in a film and we were watching it and then we brought it up on the show and we were like, God, I got it.

Look at that belly. It looks like Bert's belly. I think that's how this thing kind of started rolling with Bert being fat. It's this one. That's it. So he's totally naked here. It's just ding-dongs. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. This is him. This is that movie where he's playing, um, it's basically takes the story of the, whatever the head of the international monetary fund was, remember the, oh yeah, what was that guy's name? Yeah. DSK.

They had some Strauss Con. So many dicks up here. This is hilarious. They're all French dicks. French dicks. Dominic Strauss Con. Yeah. Um, oh shit.

Oh, and he played him in a movie. Yeah. He played a character that was like him, like him, but they, they mimicked the story, you know, and, um, yeah. What a gut that that guy had. That was a gut, man. That's just, that is drinking. Yeah.

That's booze, man. It's just hard, hard booze. Um, shit. Tom Rhodes.net and that's r-h-o-d-e-s.net slash tour. Try it out. Try it out. And, um, yeah. I'll have all that information about, uh, my Paris special on the website.

It's so great. The next few months. It's so exotic, Tom. It'd be awesome. So you're peeing and exotic. I love it. Yeah. It's so cool.

Let me just- You're the future. You're the future of comedians. That's what, eventually, we're all going to be world tours. You know, you can do it now and there's, there's great comedy fans all over the world, you know? I could. I'm just lazy and, you know, I'm, I'm going to have two small people to look after.

Maybe, you know, maybe in a few years. Oh, you'll be able to bring them with you. We're up and running. Oh, says the person without a toddler. Oh, right. Some people do. They're very brave, but Tom and I, it's just not in our constitution, like we've traveled with Ellis twice now on an airplane.

I think I had more anxiety, you know, and it's just, it's just makes me so anxious and talk to you. No, I like having home base, like having. Just leave him home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For now. Yeah, you're right. Oshun and I have a child.

Maybe, maybe my world travels will. Well, no, you, you can tour with your child. Definitely. Like Ali Wong, our good friend, brought her daughter with her, you know, the first couple years of her life. So I think it's a really up to the parent, you know, it's, it's like what you're comfortable with. Ali's jumping at them.

Ali loves it. She, you know, she has help that she brings like her mom, I think, or whatever. But anyway. Yeah. You can do it. Person on the plane with the mom, with the young child crying and everybody, you know, looking with. They look.

Pissy looks. They look, they look. But if you do it early, like you fly, like when that kid's like two or three months old, I feel like that's the way to do that. But we did not do that. No, no, we did not. We are chicken shits. All right.

Well, you got chicken one more time before. Yeah. Please. I love it. Please. Thank you. That's really good. Comro.

Thank you for coming. It was so great to see you. Love in the door. You guys both really fun. So much for having me. And that's it. We'll see you guys next week. I think fuckboy is one of my favorite.

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