Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 446-Bobby Lee & Khalyla- Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 2, 2018

Tiger Mom Belly's House. It's finally happened. The great Bobby Lee & Khalyla join us for some silly good times and OMG revelations! We got some meth smoking tips that might just change your life or at least how you spend time with your brother! Plus we revisit some fun John McAfee clips and a lot more.  Tommy laughs so hard he almost passes out. Jeans Up!   Please support our sponsors:  Stamps.com code word MOM Dollar Shave Club: There's no reason not to join! Get yours at DollarShaveClub.com/mom

Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Every day isonomy's day. Wait, me Where are you going to be, Gene? Well, first, I'd like to thank everybody that came out to Cobb's, uh, Come on, your club in San Francisco, Manfrank Disco. That was a maze, a maze, uh, May 4th. Oh, that's sold out in Huntington.

So we added a show May 5th in, uh, what would you call Huntington? Hump, hump me, hump me a ton beach. There you go. Yeah. At the rec room, I've added a show May 5th. So peep that May 9th, Oxnard, uh, Levity Live, Ox, Farts, uh, November 24th, San Diego, California, House of Blues is now on sale to the general public. We did a presale and tickets went really fast.

Same with, uh, Gramercy Theater and Jewdork Titties, December 8th of 2018. Uh, so yeah, get your tickets at Christina P online and thank you to everybody that's purchased a ticket to see me do stand up or Dean for that matter. Oh, for sure. Uh, I want to holla at everybody that came to the shows in Atlanta and, uh, Huntsville, Alabama. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's, that's hard.

That's hard. I, I, I don't know about Huntsville. Okay. Well, it was Huntsville. It was stand up live. I had such a good time. I did two shows there and they were two of the more fun shows I've done ever in 16 years.

I'm serious. Really? What was the, what was the diff? They were just great. I don't know. So your other audiences can prepare and be like them. I mean, these, these people were just all about it. They had great energy.

They were a lot of fun. They laughed at themselves. They laughed at me. They, it was a good time. We just had a good time. It's one of the, one of those shows that I will not, uh, soon forget. Um, so I'm going through this list of, uh, shows available with tickets. There's a few tickets left to the added show, the late show Thursday in

Charlotte, that is, uh, May 31st. That one always makes me a Charlotte's good. Everything else is sold out. Everything else is sold out until August. Get your life, Tom Saguera. I know. It looks like Brea, by the way, Brea is all sold out, but they're moving to a new building.

Oh, so they said they're going to release new tickets. When they, when they know their new capacity. That's so excited. Um, but Breastballs Beach in Florida, August 24th and 25th still has some tickets. Um, after that, the, uh, added show in New, New Orleans. No, that's not what it's called. Jew, or lean, there you go. Has tickets.

Um, Jacksonville, Florida, Orlando, Jack, my Dick, Florida, I mean, Orlando, Florida and fill her up. Delphia. Yep. Yep. Yep. I added a show and fill her up already in, uh, November getting to be like Dave Chappelle style, where your tickets are on sale and like an hour later, they're

gone. No, it's not, it's crazy. But that is, you know, it's so funny about you. I, you're so modest too. Like you, you sold out the well-turned in LA, which I think is one of the biggest venues in LA and the most important in my mind. And, uh, and you're like, yeah, it's cool. Like you, you don't even ever excited.

I am excited. You're cute, but that's why I love you. That's why you're normal. I'm excited. Yeah. I am excited. No, but you don't go like, oh my God, I did that. Like you're always like, it's cool.

People love you. When you went out to tape your special in Denver, the crowd gave you a standing ovation just when they saw you and your face. I'll never forget. I was watching in the wings. You were just like, yeah, hey, what's up? Look, you totally not that you're rude. I'm not saying you're rude, but you're just not like affected.

Like me, when people give me positive, um, I've seen it. Yeah. I go like, oh my God, wait, are you guys? Why? Well, not why, but I go like, all right, I can't take it. Like it's too much. I get affected. I can't overwhelm people.

I understand that too. I feel like I, it's like feelings, you know? I'm like, oh, I can't take these good feelings. Yeah, I try to, I try to push those feelings away. Oh, is that what you do? Yeah, sure. Oh, well, I'm trying to get into the performance, right? So I'm like, I'm not, yes.

You know, I'm more likely to enjoy that stuff after the show. I do, I do that now. Yeah, I do that too. No, no, no. Hope you enjoy this episode of your mom's house. Here we are. Here we are face to face. Do you know the song?

A couple of silver spoons. There's a, it's a really exciting episode. We got a great guest coming. I don't want to know. You sound excited. That's my level of excitement. You always make fun of me. That is so true.

That I think that is your general level of excitement. You've never really gone off the rails. Like I said before, that during the, the ads, like, Tom, you sold out the wheel turn. You're like, yeah, that's cool. Tom, I'm having a baby. Yeah, that's great. Tom, watch this video of a guy getting his legs crushed.

What? Then you're excited. Well, that's good stuff. Yeah. No, I've seen you get excited, um, watching football. Like that's probably the most I've seen you go, go nuts. Yeah. I mean, I get excited about like free candy.

Free candy is exciting. All right. Cheeseburger. I, oh my goodness. You know, yeah. As you keep it inside. I mean, I think what happens is I'm comfortable in a, uh, a certain, in a certain bandwidth event of excitement.

And I don't allow myself to get excited in fear of maybe what that'll feel like, or maybe being disappointed by that feeling. I'm sure that's healthy, right? I don't know. There's your joy. As long as you know what gives you joy. I know. As long as something gives you joy.

Oh, for sure. Yeah. Look at that. Oh, look at that. See? Yeah. Tom, we're having another baby. Flat as a pancake and Culey.

It's good stuff. It's about right. It's interesting. Yeah. Well, I know what makes me excited. I know what helps me murder. What were you watching last night? It was another Spanish show.

No, I didn't watch this. Oh, no, no, no. Okay. I watched, remember the, the, we played it a long time ago. These poor girls in Belize who were like, I pooped through the hum, I watched that documentary. Oh, cool. And it's about John McAfee, the guy who started the McAfee

anti-virus software, which is crazy. Cause he doesn't look like a programmer. Like when you like, does this guy work for vice? Like he, he looks like that photographer that takes pictures of yeah, looks like I don't know that guy's name. You know, I'm talking about like a cool photographer or something. You're like, this guy's crazy. Yeah, that's wild.

I know. He's got like six different, uh, hair colors in his hair and he's got crazy shoulder tats and yeah, he's having to go shit in his mouth. Oh, was that? Oh gosh. Why did I forget that? That's what we just said in his mouth. I just thought like just shit through a hammock and then just kind of

shit on and around his mouth and around, but not, no, I just thought it meant around the mouth. I didn't really think he ate. They said, they said in his mouth and he eats the poop or he just, and by the way, that's the only thing he wanted with them. That's a deep fetish. Yeah. You're in it.

Cause they asked the girl, they're like, did they ever have traditional vaginal symptoms? She was like, no, no, no. No, no, no. You just pooped and she was like, yeah. I like how that's offensive. Yeah. What?

Are you crazy? I'm not going to just have sex with this guy. That's crazy. And she was talking about how it's her first time ever doing something like that. And then one lady was like, I was really turned off by that. But what an easy gig. I mean, if you're going to be a prostitute, I figure that's kind of one of

the cusher gigs. I think so. Yeah. I think so. Wow. And you may see if I can pull it up. Yeah. That's a very specific fetish.

My goodness. I mean, talk about the level of self-awareness you'd have to have to really figure that one out for yourself. Yeah. I mean, you really have to be brave to be like, you know what? I think I want to, I think I want people to shit in my mouth. Yeah. I mean, that for me would be so deeply repressed sexually in my mouth.

Yeah. Like, why don't you just repress that impulse like your whole life and never allow it to happen? I would never let myself indulge in that one. It's real crazy. Let's see if I can get this ready for you. Yeah. I don't think I could indulge it.

I don't think it's safe. It's definitely not safe home. You did all the girls, then I saw them. They're beautiful and the rights of the girls want to hear. Yeah. I think they will stay there for the money at first. The shit. And then most of them eventually had real, true feelings for him.

No. They're young too. It was exciting for them living in this big house and having trips and stuff that they wouldn't normally would have if they didn't meet Mr. John. Yeah, Mr. John. Had you ever lived like that before? No. Had you ever had sex for money prior to that?

Or no. That was my first time. I was ashamed, but then I got used to it. What a good girl. Sit on this hammock. The hammock has a hole. He put in a hammock. And after that he lays down on the hammock.

Then he. Yeah. You know, he would be shy now. And he would sit there. That's what he used it for. Because he he wanted to have like Scott sex and I didn't agree with that. What is Scott sex? And then you poop in someone's mouth.

He used to make you shit in his mouth. There she goes. She loves it. She's accepted it. Yeah, she's like I never had done that before. Yeah, most people haven't. It was an experience for me. Yeah.

He asked you to shit in his mouth. Did he ever have regular intercourse like vaginal intercourse? Wow, easy kid. None of that. That was the only thing I did. The kids girls are lucky. I think I was grateful because I wanted to finish school. I wanted to take a shit.

He was helping me. So I didn't care about what he did. I had to go anyway. So I figure why not go in the hammock and nice man. Mr. John. But you know what I want to know from a scat person? How do you stop? How do you keep from vomiting?

They have like how does that that trigger not the right right? Like they must enjoy the smells and the the hotness of it. And the you know, it's so funny. This reminds me of the piss on me beat me tried out guy. Yeah, this is the same principle. It's like, do you want free rent, free rent? All you have to do is sit in this hammock. It's something beat me.

Yeah, it's kind of a great deal. I mean, if I were one of these girls and I ran this country, I had no options. And some white guys like, do you want to shit in this hammock in my mouth? Like, yeah, absolutely. By the way, if you want to watch the full, that's a good documentary. It's called Gringo, The Dangerous Life of John McAfee. It's on Netflix. Wait, but if you were a troubled, you know, like a girl who needed.

Would I do this? Yeah, of course. Of course I would with a silly question. The only thing I think would be really hard for me is the first time when you you're trying to relax into doing it. Yeah. And then like by the tenth time, second nature. But that first dumps got to be the hardest.

Oh, yeah. What if you have a real slopper coming out the first time? Even better. I don't know. Do you think he needs a certain like a Bristol number for him to be into it? Like four or five? I think he probably wants like a four most of the time. Most people do. Like an easy, you know, if you really grind one out and you're like, and you're grinding your teeth and he's like, he's like, oof.

And he can see it slowly coming out. And it's like a, you know, like a like a old Play-Doh. Yeah, hard. Yeah. But if you have a real blaster, like it just like a diarrhea. And this is what country? Oh, this is in Belize. Did you see that diarrhea all the time that that tweet? People sent it to me.

This girl's tweet went viral where she is in the bathroom and she's just like trying to look sexy in the mirror. And she's in the women's bathroom. She's filming herself. And as she like does this and is looking at her hair, a woman takes a ferocious dump. She's like, like that. No, no, it's so hilarious.

It's so ferocious. And it's a woman's dump, too. I love it. Yesterday at the airport, I had the experience of I landed at LAX and the woman in the stall next to me had a full speakerphone conversation in Spanish while she was taking a shit. A really crazy thing. While she was taking a dump on speakerphone, no less.

It's really crazy. I'm amazed at people's audacity. Of course. God, aren't you fucking? I mean, to quote Sebastian, aren't you embarrassed? Oh, my life. Let me see if I can. I want to pull this up for you because I laughed so hard

and thought about you. I know here it is. I live in the house and all I have to do is poop in the hammock. Here it is here. OK, hold on. Oh, my God. See, for women, it's a it's a big deal. Like for guys, they're like, what's the big deal?

I see that. You can see she's like crazy. Yeah, well, most women don't let it go like that. Really? No, you kind of you clench and you let it out piece by piece. So that it doesn't make sound. You're embarrassed. Women are embarrassed of their bodies and their body functions, not like dudes.

Why are you guys so open? That's I want to know what the difference is. Why is it testosterone? Maybe there's just less shame. Let's open the show properly. Oh, my God, we haven't done that yet. Mr. John, he tell me to poop in the hammock. If you've had any kind of erectile disorder problems,

I'm here to tell you forget that bag or forget about salads. Forget about dick and plants and all that stuff. So I don't know if you believe me or not. But if you like to see me smoke some with a small limp dick that I get harder and the other way and watch you get harder and harder, the more I smoke, the harder my dick gets.

It's unbelievable. This is a big guy. Oh, it's round. We're bringing one mother to this. Your mother in the fucking stand. Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pajit.

Welcome to your mom's house. So did you hear that part? What do you say? I saw you go like, I don't know. I heard smoking meth. Yeah, yeah, he's like, forget about Viagra or Seattle. Fuck what you heard. Yeah, if you want to really get hard, he's like, smoke meth.

I've never heard that before. And you can watch me, watch my little limp dick get super hard with the more meth I smoke. Believe me or not. But if you like to see me smoke some meth with a small limp dick that I get harder and the other way and watch you get harder and harder, the more I smoke, the harder my dick gets.

It's unbelievable. You're gay. You won't believe how good it feels. If you're straight, you won't believe how good it feels. Your dick had become so sensitive that you don't need lube. You don't need spit. You just struggle to get this up and down four times. It's just how bad to do it.

And you'll shoot an enormous amount of very thick, thick, hot, lame meth. Barf, Jesus. This guy reminds me of the 10 to 12 Benadryl. Remember I said it's 12 Benadryl guy? His base coat is meth. That's what Drew said. I can't wait to show this to Dr. Drew.

Hold on, let me put this on the drew list. But that's what, remember. They're so sick. Oh, shit. What's your favorite part right now that you're super in there? He's just a cool guy. Just sharing his beauty tips. He's sharing the story.

Yeah, it's a nice story, right? Oh, there's more. I don't know. Can we just pause? Like, I feel like, no, I can't, I can't, I can't. Stop. But I can't, first of all. Because the best part is coming up.

Oh, my God. Can we just say one thing though? What? That he meets the criterion of a fantastic your mom's house video. Well, the lighting is dog shit. Horrible lighting. He's got the ceiling in the background, the wife. The camera facing up, that's true.

You can barely see his face because he's lit so poorly. He hits all the boxes for a perfect video. Now, this guy's going to be in our world for a minute. Okay, hold on, you ready? I don't like hearing about his cum, do you? I don't like the cum at all. That part really freaks me out. What?

You like that part? Math dick guy. This is on Dr. Drew's list. Oh, my fucking head hurts. More cum than I've ever did in my life. And I know I'm gay. I love to get blow jobs. And I tell you what, I cannot wait when I'm so fucked up and hot and horny on myth.

I let anybody sit and get me a blow job. That's nice. That's really good. Nice thing. The best part is right here though. Okay. Yeah, I know. My brother didn't believe me.

My brother didn't believe me. But when he smoked with me, he put at his dick, I can't believe how big his dick was. He jacked off in four strokes and shot the most cum he had ever shot in his life. He's only 49 and he's fine. He has no deropathy problems at all. But his dick is even harder and thicker and even more cum. He believes me now. His brother.

He jacked off with him when they were smoking meth together. What a nice testimonial thing. Well, my brother did it and then his dick got hard and he jacked off in four strokes. That's the guy's testimonial for smoking meth. I mean, you want to see some cum? Watch my brother jack his dick. God, that's terrible. What kind of endorsement is this?

Well, he's saying like, God. You want a credible source? Well, my brother smokes meth with me. His dick gets so hard, he can barely not cum. God. He pulled his big, hard dick out. Babe, his brother jerked off in front of him. Yeah.

And he came in four strokes. It's so disgusting. It's true. Ugh. This guy is so fucking fucked up. This might be the most fucked up. I don't know. It's a close tie between the piss on me beat me guy.

And then watching your brother jack his dick in front of you. Here's the difference. I think the piss on me beat me guy. Why he trumps this guy is because he just smoked right before he made that video. Right. So you're seeing a guy in his manic super high state. He's like, here's the deal, man. He's playing with his dick.

I see what you're saying. You want to come over here and fuck me right now. This guy is actually not high right now. I mean, that could take this video from an eight to a 10. Oh, yeah. If he had done this video high, I agree. I wish he would have been more hopped out. Now, this is a big problem in the gay community is smoking meth and doing gay sex.

Yeah. Yeah, because they don't use protection. In San Francisco, it was a big... It might be our guest, right? It is our guest. Oh, okay. Let's take a quick break. Oh my God.

In SF, this is a big problem. Let's take a quick break. Okay. Yeah, I want to talk about it though. We will. All right. Our guest isn't here yet, but... False alarm.

We can still play with this guy, thankfully. Thank God. Thank God. What's the hat he's wearing? Is that a ski cap? It looks like the rim that used to be snug is all open now, right? This has to be one of the weirdest ones we've ever gotten. I just want to revisit what happened with his brother.

Sure. But when he smoked with me, he put out his dick. I can't believe how big his dick was. He jacked off in four strokes. He shot the most cum he had ever shot. I mean... He's only 49. He's fine.

He has no neuropathy problems at all. But his dick gets even harder. Why is he whispering? And even more cum. He believes me now. He's part of his charm. I think he's in a public place. Do you hear the background noise?

I think he locked himself in like a bathroom stall of a restaurant. And he's like, I got to share this with the world. I'm serious. Do you hear it? Because he's like, I have my brother shot cum. He's telling you a sweet secret. What a weird thing. I had my brother shot cum.

And I watched it. I couldn't believe how big his dick was. He jacked off in four strokes. Because you realize too that his brother didn't give in on this request the first time. My brother's like, you know, you keep asking me to smoke meth and jerk off with you. And today's your birthday. I'm 49. I'm going to do it.

It's probably years of him just beating him down. Like, dude, are you going to fucking smoke meth and jerk off with me or not? All right. God damn it. I'm not here to tell you do anything illegal. I don't want you to do anything illegal. I don't want you doing anything you don't feel comfortable doing. But I promise you, if you can find anybody, you know, that won't get you into trouble.

Smokes and meth. The more you smoke off that bowl, the harder your dick will get. Your dick will get hard. So if you want to smoke from a limp dick to a hard dick, I will do it this weekend. And I'll videotape it from this small dick, very limp, and watch it get harder and harder. That's a pretty good fact. All right, let me know. That bothered me a bit.

If you say yes, I'll show it to you. Yeah. It's okay. Now, BlueBand, where's the follow-up video? You're just going to send me this tease and not follow through? Dude, so now it makes sense why this was a thing in the gay community when I lived in SF because they would have billboards like, hey, guys, don't smoke meth and butt fuck. Because what happens is you get all hopped up and then you don't have a condom.

You don't use condoms. And it was like, it was bad for the gay community. I think it's not just something bad for the gay community. I think this is for the all-dicks community. Anyone with a dick, no matter where you want to put it, could be... I mean, if I smoke meth and I'm like, this guy, I feel like I could have problems too, you know? It's a lot.

It's a lot. I wonder why. See, this is a question for the doctor. Like, why does the meth make your dick so hard? That's why they love this shit. Yeah, it makes it so hard. That's why the Benadryl guy loved it too. It becomes so much.

Oh, my God. Are you going to try this now? No. I see the look in your eye of like, I could go there. No, I could not go there. Yeah, you kind of want to. To the meth... Fucking corner.

You just have to smoke it once. No, no. You want to try it? No. Just to see what would happen? I mean, it is appealing when you hear somebody say, you know... Your dick could become so sensitive. You know?

That's nice. But you don't need lube or nut spit or nothing. Oh, my God. Dick, hot white gum. Oh, my God. Guys are so fucked up, dude. Guys are... I've never seen the video of a woman...

Doing something like that. ...being like, oh, it makes my pussy so wet. Well, we played one or two, but they were real crazy looking. Old ones, I remember. Wait a minute. I think all of them are crazy looking. Yeah. They're pretty bad.

You won't believe how good it feels if you're straight. You won't believe how good it feels. Your dick could become so sensitive that you don't need lube. You don't need spit. You just... I'm going to throw up. I mean, it's so disgusting. I get it.

I'm going to throw up. I mean, it's so disgusting. I get it. And you will shoot an enormous amount of very thick, thick, hot white gum. I'm going to fucking burp. Can you turn it off? He's so nasty. He is the nastiest motherfucker.

Yeah. Like, why do guys... They all have to go into explicit detail, just like the Benadryl guy. Here's what I want to know, though. Why do I have to know detail? I want to know. What I would like to ask Dr. Drew or any doctor listening is, does this, in fact, cure erectile dysfunction? Well, yeah.

What are we doing? Because we're talking about all these, you know, the silly parts of this. Yeah. You know, somebody who's like, I'm really struggling. I've tried Viagra. Yeah. I've tried Cialis. I've tried injections.

Yeah. It's not working. My dick's limp. I wanted to get hard. Does meth actually help you out? And then that will be one of the medicinal values to meth. Of meth. Yeah.

We can bring it back. Bring it back, man. Try it out. Is it possible? I didn't know there was any positives to meth, but I'm glad there's one, at least, that we know of. I mean, besides losing all your teeth, which could be kind of good sexually, too. Scabs. Scabs are fun.

And they do like to pick them. Skin picking, yeah. Skin picking. Yeah. I've been around people that have been picking at their skin and it makes me wonder sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. Meth kind of went out a style, I thought.

Really? Well, it was big in the 90s. And, you know, I just thought I didn't know people still were into that shit. Remember, we played that one really aggressive woman one time? Yes. Who was like, eat that box and you eat that shit. And she was like super agro about it. She was a lesbian?

Yes. She was really aggressive. She was like, I want the girls to eat my pussy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I do remember that. That was the enamel. Oh, yeah, you nasty fuck.

That's not her. What's wrong with people? But, yeah. Oh, here she is here. I think this is her. Fuck my stoma. Okay. So, it's just so amazing that people's priorities in their lives, like, guys, I gotta tell you

this. I smoke my day. I got scared. Say it to my face and I'll see your board and we can work on your Cuban worker. I will fuck you up, bitch. I'm a 10th generation from Harlem. I can just fuck you and suck my pussy. Oh my God.

I wasn't hurry there. Well, then there was Kiss My Pussy in the Wells Fargo. Yeah, that's right. That was a different one. That's totally different. I was kissing my pussy. That was a great one. Kiss it!

Kiss it! Yeah. I got a million dollars in this motherfucker. Remember when she said that? She had a million dollars. You back of America, you Chinese motherfucker, and she's a motherfucker. Yeah. That was great.

That's really great. Kiss and Pussies. Yeah. Wells Fargo. It's Kiss and Pussies since 1782. There are so many pussies around your presidential campaign on both sides that I prefer not to comment about this. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Sounds good. Yeah. That's my tribe. But yeah, this guy really went for it, though. Wow. The brother thing, I don't think that's the first time they've jerked off in front of

each other. I'm going to go with... Yeah, you think so? Let's do it again. Yeah. It's kind of a... That doesn't sound like a first time thing. Those two are, you know...

You want to, by the way, talk about the fact that... The cause? The cause is locked up now. I can't believe it. Well, he's not locked up. He's going to be sentenced, but he's got convicted. That's fantastic news. I wish they would get the other creeps.

I feel like Weinstein and Matt Lauer and Sea Crest and who else? Dustin Hoffman. Do you remember this? Kevin Spacey. None of these guys get locked up. Was last time when he was walking out of court. This crazy shit. Unfucking real.

For those of you who are just listening to the show, so Tommy's playing a clip of Cosby walking... This is out of court, so he's been through it all day. Yeah, and this one's from a while ago. I mean, the same trial, but I think the first time they had a trial that resulted in a hung jury and he's walking out, it's a very serious matter. It's very serious. Oh my God.

I mean, you're coming out of court and you should look somber and worried. Okay, that's kind of crazy, but the latest is that he was convicted. At least fake. He's convicted. He's facing 10 to 30 years in prison. This is leaving the court house, headed to his vehicle, and I don't know, just keep an eye on the cause. Philadelphia home, 14 years ago.

A couple of... He's doing his stupid fucking dance moves. He's doing his stick on the way out of... You just got convicted. I know. You're going to prison. He's like, I'm doing my Cosby thing. I ain't everybody.

Yeah. Yeah. Talk about three counts of aggravated and decent assault stemming from allegations that he drugged and molested Andrea Constant in his suburban Philadelphia home 14 years ago. Unbelievable. A couple of... Talk about a true sociopath. Yeah, he's crazy.

He is so removed emotionally from what's happening. Like he doesn't take this seriously at all. I'm surprised he's not afraid of a judge saying that, the judge. Yeah. That's really... It's a good point. Wouldn't you be worried? Like, gosh, maybe the judge will see me goofing off.

Well, because sentencing is still to come. Yeah. If a judge sees that, they're going to be like, this guy doesn't have... Was this funny when you left? Yeah. When you left my club. He was making the crowd laugh. Yeah.

Yeah. He's still playing with the audience. He's sick. Also, I dug up. We played this years ago. Oh my God, the guy's sick. ESPN had him on. Oh my God, this is the best one.

And he was just supposed to kind of tease the clip. Like, tease the fact that there was a matchup that night between two teams. One was his, I think, alma mater. This one's super weird. It's so weird. This one's so bizarre. This is years ago. Mac football on a Tuesday temple.

Most of the Bobcats of Ohio are called today from Bill Cosby. This is football night on ESPN 256. What? It's the Temple Owls. Against the Ohio U of Chitlin Lakes. What? In the city of Philadelphia. And tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we're out of time and have fun.

What? And you know that the ESPN would be like, thanks, Bill, for that... Completely insane rendition of whatever the fuck you think that was. Because I don't know, I don't know the actual team names. I'm assuming Chitlin Lakes is a joke. That one was a joke. Yeah, yeah, that was a joke. But also the...

That was supposed to be, I think, horns. So the idea is that it's, if you're at a live high school or college game, you might have like the marching band. So he's like, this is the Temple Owls. Just fucking nonsense. I think I want to try to do that and make it my own. If I get out to do that on TV, I'm going to do the same thing he did. Yeah.

His eyes are all fucked up there too. He just starts to get blind right around there. Yeah, one eye this way, one eye that way. One eye goes this way, one eye goes that way. And this guy's like, what do you want from me? I mean, he's checked... Smoked math and you can get your dick real hard. Nobody's as checked out as Bill Cosby.

I mean, he's a total, total sociopath. Do you think he would trick off with that guy? Yeah, absolutely. He'd drug him. He likes him sedated. Your dick will get so hard. You'll have pudding pops coming out of the tippy top. So much.

Stop it. I don't like his guy. His cadence is... He's creepy as shit. It reminds me of the vegan vagina guy. I didn't like him for the same reason. Can you believe it? He's as checked out as O.J. was.

Remember when O.J. got arrested? He's like, well, my mission from now on, I'm going to find the killer. I'm going to find the person who killed Nicole. I think we did, asshole. Why don't you tell me what might have happened on the night of June 12, 1994? Let's just walk through the night. Well, first of all, it's very difficult for me to do this. Yeah.

It's very difficult for me because it's hypothetical. I know and I accept the fact that people are going to feel whatever way they're going to feel. You know, they're going to, you know, whatever they want to feel. I mean... In the book, the hypothetical is... Charley. Charley. Laughing.

Laughing. This guy, Charlie, shows up. The guy where I'd recently become friends with. And I don't know why you'd been buying the Coals House, but it told me you wouldn't believe what's going on over there. And you put on a wool cap and gloves. In hypothetical, I put on a cap and gloves. And you reached under the seat for a knife.

Yeah. It's all hypothetical. I mean, hypothetically speaking, yeah. Do you realize how difficult, though, it must be for him every day now that he's at a prison to know that his ex-wife's killer is out there? Oh, it's torturing, yeah. He's just trying to be like, man, I got to get this guy. And we've seen him devote his finances, his time to trying to find the Coals Killer.

Yeah. Can you imagine the sociopathy on this motherfucker, too? It's checked out as he is. Oh, yeah. He's super checked out. The laughter and the goofing off stuff, that's the sign of a real psycho. Let's see. The laughter.

Do you want to hear more hypothetical? I would love to hear the hypothetical. I always kept a knife, a knife, a car for the crazies and stuff, because you can't travel with a gun. And I remember Charlie saying, you ain't bringing it. I didn't, all right? But I believe he took it. Charlie took the knife?

In the book. Yeah. Yes. So the back gate, you go through the back gate. You realize that. And it was open or broken? His whole time he's doing this, he has to be like hypothetical. Hypothetical.

And then if you ask him like a real question, he's like, I don't remember. I mean, I hypothetically don't remember. Some people saw this as a confession. Yeah, that's what it is. Of course it is. Yeah, of course. But I mean, I don't know. Well, anyway.

I go to the front and I'm looking to see what's going on. And I can see that it appears like Nicole had, I had candles all the time. She really did to keep her overhead down, I think. And music was on. And while I was there, a guy shows up. So Ron Goldman comes in the back gate. I mean. He said she had candles to keep her overhead.

Overhead, yeah. Not because she was fucking that dude. Or because she liked candles. Yeah. Like people who have candles are all like, man, he's electric bills. What is that? Tom, you study sociopaths. You love these TV shows.

Like what is happening with he and the cause where it's obvious they've done the things they've been accused of. And yet they're so like, I don't know. I just like, what is that? No, I mean, they just, they're shameless. You know, they're like, they're, they're ultra narcissists and they're shameless. So they do the thing that they want to do at all times and they don't process any feeling of empathy or guilt because they, you know, they, they need to be number one.

They need to be the best. They need to be adored and, and they need to satisfy their own needs. And his, in his case, it was more, I think, you know, the jealousy and the rage that he had. And he had to satisfy that nobody else could have Nicole but him. So he went there and fucked them up. And with Bill, I think he excused his perverse really gross choice for like a sexual satisfaction because he drugged people.

Yeah. So they were comatose. Like they, they weren't dead bodies. He justified what he did. He probably justified what he did more than one way, meaning that, you know, if the woman showed up in his mind, he's like, first of all, she knows what she, she wants a part of this just because she's here. So that's part of his mentality of justifying what he does.

Then when she has a drink, he's like, I mean, his mind is probably like. They're, they're compliant. Yeah. She's compliant because she's drinking the drink. It's the same way that pedophiles convinced themselves maybe that like, oh, this child wants this because they're coming over here and they're, uh, that he wanted it. They, they're flirting with me. They, they, they read the situation completely differently.

He probably thought there was, you know, and he might even really believe it. There's an unspoken agreement between him and everybody that he assaulted. Oh my God. It's so crazy. Yeah. I mean, it's totally different. Obviously things that they did, but they're definitely, you know, they definitely are not people that, that, um, feel badly about.

No, it's true because narcissists can't take any responsibility even on the lesser scale, like not the sociopathic types of narcissists, maybe the ones that have raised me, they, they don't ever want to take responsibility for shit. Yeah. So you can be like, Hey, remember that time you did X, Y and Z and they're like, I don't know what you're talking about. It's totally, you know, amnesia. Yeah.

And they'll find something in their mind great that they did and that's what they want to focus on. Right. Oh man. Isn't it, isn't it fascinating? All this stuff fascinates me. Oh yeah. It is fascinating.

I mean, the cause too, it was, it's even, it's different. Obviously it didn't murder somebody, but it's so calculated that he had developed over time the perfect cover to do juxtapose with what he was doing, to do what he wanted to do. In other words, being America's dad, being the, Oh, it's even sicker that he's American. Yeah. The suit and tie, don't curse.

He's always lecturing people about cursing. Oh my God. You're lecturing people about their language and you're drugging and assaulting people. It's like, Yeah. He's the, he's the dad, America's dad. That was the sickest part. Yeah.

I mean, he's pushing away all the dark shit in his world and becoming the moral compass for all of us. Yeah. He can't handle his own darkness. So crazy. Yeah. Okay. Our guests are here.

I think our guest is really here this time. Okay. Let's take a quick break. So we're back. We were smoking meth. We were. Oh, the dicks were so hard. We came real hard and.

You've ever done that before, Bobby? Well. Smoked meth? I have. I actually have smoked meth. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, wait.

Let's talk about it. In high school. You know, I was, you know, I went to three drug rehabs in high school. You did. Did you? Yeah. And I used to smoke meth too, as well. Wait, you went to rehab because of meth?

Marijuana, meth, LSD, you know, the suburban drugs that we got at the time. Yeah. Yeah. Three times? Where? Three times I went to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where were you raised?

I was raised in a little, in Korea, South, San Diego. South Korea. When you are raised in San Diego and Korean, do you feel like, oh, like the world has a lot of Korean people? No, no, no. No? No, no, no, no. Because I'm older than I look.

Yeah. Right? Like I, okay, so I grew up in Minnesota when I was a kid. You did? Yeah. And there was only one Asian. His name was Tom Roach. And the reason why his name was Tom Roach, it was the guy that he was adopted.

Yeah, of course. Come on. And he wasn't full Korean because he was adopted. What are you looking at, a ghost? I'm looking at the screen. Don't look that way when I'm, he scares me. Okay. They're like, I'm getting pranked or something.

Okay, sorry. So Tom Roach, what was it? Korean, he looked like us, but he behaved white. So that's when I knew. Tell me about his white behavior. Oh my God. He played baseball. Oh.

Right? And then like white people, you go to his house, it smelled like three things, coffee, baseball in the midst and pie, some sort of pie, rhubarb, probably. Okay. Wait, was he adopted? Yeah, he was adopted. All right. I don't say adopted.

I say abandoned. We haven't even done a proper introduction because we've been rolling. We've been rolling for a while. Okay. I'm sorry. No, no, no. That's how we like to do a little bit pregame. And then here you have the great podcast Tiger Belly with you.

Yeah. And then there's Bobi Lee and your lovely Kaleila. Kaleila. Yeah. Do you want to have a last time? Kaleila's fine. Oh, Kaleila's fine. Yeah.

And you also have your team. I have my team here. Your Tiger Belly team. But they're not here. I know. But I wanted to shout out to you. We're like Paul and John. You don't want Ringo and George.

Wow. All right. So we got the two songwriters. I feel like you need George. George was essential. See. Ringo could have fucked off. Well, George wrote like five or six solid songs from the Beatles.

Yeah. But you know, we were the main, you know, yesterday. Let it be. Come on, man. It's through the classic. Yeah. It's Paul and John. Yeah.

You guys are what makes it happen, of course. Thank you so much for saying so, Tom. I enjoyed coming on Tiger Belly. I had a good time. You know what? And I enjoy you. I'll tell you why. Tell me.

Can I tell you why I enjoy you? Yes. I didn't know who you were for a while. You know? Yeah. What are you talking about? I know before, though. You know?

Like a year ago. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I know who he is now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Famous Tom Seguro. Whoa. But for years, I was like, who the fuck is this guy? Can I swear? It's a Christian show. It is. I bet.

Yeah. Cosby's in trouble again. What happened? No. Sorry. We were in trouble again. This is him leaving court. Yeah.

Leaving court where you've been convicted of sexual assault. Yeah. Okay. Just keep your eyes on him. He knows all that's coming up is sentencing. Yeah. That he's going to do a minimum of 10 years in prison for assault. Just keep your eye on him.

Molested Andrea Constant in his suburban Philadelphia home 14 years ago. He does a little fucking comedy mug. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His Cosby dance. Yeah. I have a story about him. You do?

Yeah. Tell us. I'm going to get back to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll get back to that. But one of my first jobs I ever had, an acting job, this is back in like the late 90s. Yeah. I had a makeup artist and she goes, my first job was at the Cosby show.

I was an intern as a makeup artist. I go, oh, I'm a big fan. I love Bill Cosby himself and Ghost Dad. Yeah. I remember that. Great movie. This is why you guys are a great couple. Yeah.

She goes, you know what he did to me? He took his hand. He clawed my breast to the point where it was almost bleeding. Cool. And he goes, there's nothing you can do about it. No. That's what she says. That happened.

Seriously. Yeah. And she told you this story years ago. This is back in the 90s. Wow. Yeah, that's not a made up story. Yeah. No.

I know. It may be, but it's like. I heard somebody make up that story. Right. But I knew about his vibe. Yeah. Then. Yeah.

You hear things right on the streets. So it's like, you know, whenever I got like, if I got an audition for Ghost Dad 2, you know what I wouldn't even show up. I don't know. Would you have not worked with him after that? At that point? No, no, no, no, no. Really?

No, I can't do crazy. Yeah. I got offered a show with Christie. I don't say her name. Just say that. And it was Christie. Fuck it. Allie.

Christie Allie. I'm sure she doesn't download this podcast. No way. She's listening to this. Yeah. And I got offered a part in like a regular on a show of hers. I said, I can't do it. Really?

Yeah. Because I know that she's crazy and I can't be around. But wouldn't you want to bear witness to that crazy and realize? Not every day. Another good question. That is a very good question, baby. The very good question. What's the story?

Yeah, but I don't want to bear witness to nothing. It's like, I don't want to bear witness to like tragedy. My mind 100% goes where yours went. No. Because have you ever worked for crazy? I've worked for crazy. I know. And it's a roller coaster.

You don't want to be on it. Because you don't know what to expect every day to a different person. I'm impressed just by your confidence and boldness and integrity to make that choice. I also feel like being in this business. If somebody was like, hey, do you want a job on a show where you're working with a lunatic? My instinct would be like, yes. Just because I need a job. And I don't have the, you know, the benefit of saying like, nah.

But I think you do. And I'm going to correct you on that. Okay. I think you do. I'm going to correct you on that. You're Tom Segura. Right. I saw you on a late night show the other day.

What was it? Colbert. Colbert. One of the biggest ones. Yeah. And when I see you on there, I go, look at his handsome. He's one of the funniest guys in the nation. This guy's going to work forever.

So you can make those choices. All right. Well, thanks. Okay. If you were like some sort of like open micro and you were just coming into the business. Yeah. That's one thing, but you are a franchise. All right.

All right. Wow. And you're a little racist with that Bruce Lee sweatshirt. But that's fine. Dude, this is not. It's not. Was that for Bobby? No.

No. He's not Chinese or Korean. It's so offensive. Look, Roots of Fight, who I'm a big fan of, sent a whole bunch. You saw those boxes. I think this is an unconscious thing on Tom's part today. No. It's just a Bruce Lee thing.

But we had all the other Muhammad Ali you had. You think I should go change? Alan Iverson. And you picked out the Bruce. I think it's a little unconscious decision, maybe, because you know that Bobby was coming here. Because there's two Lees coming here. It's Beely.

Beely. Yeah. Yeah. I like it. I like it. I think you are trying to make me feel comfortable. And I think that that's like you're going out of your way to make me feel good. Well, this is a perfect segue.

First of all, I'm not going to forget that meth gets your dick hard, OK? No. If you've had any kind of a retile, disorder problems, I'm here to tell you, forget that bag or forget about salads. Forget that dick and plants and all that stuff. So I don't know if you believe me or not. But if you like to see me smoke some meth with a small limp dick, that doesn't get hard the other way.

And watch it get harder and harder. The more I smoke, the harder my dick gets. Was that your experience? Yes. Wow. You were 11. It doesn't matter. Wait, let's talk about the first time.

Can we talk about the first time? How does one procure meth smoke at the first time? How did it happen? OK, here we go. OK. You want to go down memory lane? Yes. I'll go down memory lanes to you.

Number one, when I was in my late childhood, in my eight, nine years old, when eight, nine years old, I was late. That's late. Yeah. I was practically an adult. I was molested. OK. What?

No. Yes. OK. When you were eight, nine, I was molested by a guy with Down syndrome. I do it in my act. Goodness. Are you serious? OK.

How was the guy? I'm sorry. I don't mean his 20s. Fuck, man. It didn't bother me at the time, I don't think. I don't really find your story to be like a real molestation. I feel like it was like a barter, a trade system, because you kept going back to the same guy. Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Well, that's how they court you. I mean, I want to understand that they grew when you come out. When you say barter, like you got something like trade. I got something to return. What did you get? Candy. Candy. But see, my parents wouldn't give me the dips.

Yeah. The dipstick ones? Yeah. They wouldn't get me it. That's my favorite one. Therefore, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't, they don't, foreigners don't do it. No, it's fucked up.

And so I thought to myself, he has the dip candy. Right. And I said to myself, if I just, you know, all I had to do is like touch his junk. Yeah. I didn't have to kiss it or anything like that. Just touch it. Yeah. And I get the good candy.

Yeah. So I went by like every day during the summers. And how did it get disrupted? We moved. That's it? Yeah. So you had been still going? That was really sad.

We were moving. That's a goodbye to the dip candy. Bye dip. Fuck. Yeah. So, and then my dad was an alcoholic and he was very violent. He was a rage, a holic as well. Is he still alive?

Or is he dead? Barely alive. Yeah. Almost there. I'm sad about it. I love my dad. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You're gonna love it when he's dead. But those two events as a young man or kid, it drove me into doing early drug use. Yeah. We moved at San Diego and I was maybe 11 and I walked outside my house. I lived in this place called Green Valley, the suburbs. And this kid was riding a skateboard and he just parked it in front of my house.

It just happens to be he was there. He flipped his skateboard over and he rolled the joint. And I walked outside my house and I go, can I have some? And he goes, yeah, I did. And I smoked pot and then I met a guy named Julio Romero. Why are you pointing at me? Julio Romero. Okay.

Thanks. Yeah. It wasn't you. You're Peruvian. Right? Yeah. Peruvian? It was his cousin.

That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I go, dude, I go, what's up, bro? He goes, dude, I got to go to Lucy's house. Lucy. I told you about this. I remember Lucy, yeah. And so we got this lady, she lived in Rancho Bernardo.

It's fine. Yeah. It's fancy? It's pretty fancy. And you walk in, no couches. In the middle of the living room. Cool. Was a baby crawling amongst a meth lab.

Oh, my God. Trained spotting. How old are you again at this point? 11, 12. Jesus Christ, man. And then that's when I did meth for the first time. And what, so that you smoked it? Yeah.

And does it hurt when you inhale it? No. Didn't hurt at all? No, it doesn't hurt. Because the high is so good. Is it immediate? Oh yeah. And you don't sleep for days.

Days. You don't eat, you don't sleep for days. And you know, but the guy was right. You do get erect. You get horny. But the things that you, the only way you can, can I say come? You can say that. Yeah.

I can. Yeah. Ejaculations is you have to think of like really fucked up things. Even at that age. Really? So it's not just straight up sex you're thinking about. So it starts off with like, okay, a regular woman, whatever in your head. Right, right.

And then she's missing a breast. Right. Right. She has no arms. And then like six hours later, you're just masturbating to a foot. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it gets crazier and crazier.

And then did you do it again? Like a distorted, twisted, broken foot with blood, gushing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look how Tom, yes, stands out. Yeah. So that, was it a one off? No, I did it constantly. I did it constantly.

I stole like 15 grand from my parents safe. Like that safe. Yeah. Smoked a lot of dick. What? Smoked a lot of dick. Don't mention that here. So you were 11.

I know it said don't mention that. You were second dicks too? Smoked. Don't mention that. Don't mention that here. Baby, baby. You were. I don't know, but I wasn't even going to bring that fucking vibe.

Well, this guy, this guy was saying something. Tell me if this is true or not. Yeah. Gay, you won't believe how good it feels if you're straight. You won't believe how good it feels. Your dick head becomes so sensitive that you don't need lube. You don't need spit. You just stroke that dick head this up and down four times.

Just barely do it. And you'll shoot an enormous amount of very thick, thick, hot white gum. Okay. That's disgusting. I know. I mean, how do you even find videos like that? Was that sent to you directly? Yeah.

Oh my God. A listener sent this stuff. Oh yeah. He's one of your fans. Yeah. It's uncomfortable that guy. So is that true? Is it thick and is it thicker?

Is it extra thick? No, I have never heard of like meth making you come thick. You're coming thick from not ejaculating a lot. Right. It's all packed up. So he might go, you know what, I'm going to do meth in May. Yeah. And right now it's January.

Right. So I'm not going to masturbate until May. Yeah. So now he's on meth and then it's all explosions in the sky. But it doesn't. Now did you ever, did you partake in crazy sexual activity because of meth? See, that's the problem with your mouth sometimes. Well, the problem with your mouth sometimes is just blame it on the meth.

Instead, you're admitting to actually wanting to suck dick. That's okay. But I don't even know right now who listens to this podcast is the demographic of your people. Don't don't don't judge me. I'm not. And I'm just asking, you know, are they children? No.

Okay. Well, then yeah, I did. Yeah. Yeah. Our audience is actually very empathetic, very sweet, very nice people. Well, you know, I would know. Here's the here's the thing. Here's the thing.

Can I just say this? And I just want to justify my behavior. Yeah. You're on meth. Yeah. I'm not on a meth every day. I know. It's like a once a month event.

All right. We did acid. I did all kinds of stuff. Okay. Yeah. I used to get drunk a lot. But my point is you're not as of, you're not of sound mind. So you don't have your responsibility.

And you're a child. You don't have the responsibility. Well, thank you. Yeah. That's what it is then. But why would you? But also when you're traumatized, I swear to God, when you, when you start doing drugs and you're traumatized, your development stops at that age level.

Stunted. So you actually are going into the world as an eight or nine or whatever 11 year old for like a decade. Yeah. Dude, I listened to fucking Dr. Drew. I know you hang out with Bobby for 10 minutes. You're like, just like a 10, 11. 11 tops.

Yeah. Emotionally. Yeah. And I'm not a fan of what not. Sure. Is that I'm 16 years sober now. Congratulations. And I was when I was 17, I got sober for 12 years.

So big chunks of my life. I've been in sobriety. It's great. And I've done God's work. Yeah. Right. No gay. Yeah.

I'm just not doing gay things. No shrimp. What? No shrimp. No shrimp. Yeah. No shrimp. Yeah.

No shrimp. Yeah. I've been, I've been, I try to give as much as I can. So people can listen to me right now and go, I'm a heathen. That's fine. No, they're not. But you know what? Nobody's doing that.

One can repent and one can change his behavior. But why would you feel bad though? Yeah. It's not your fault. Your parents weren't on the, listen, let me tell you something. My kid doesn't take a dump for a day and I'm all over him. If your parent doesn't know that you're smoking meth and you're out in the streets and you're doing stuff, that's on them.

And they should have had an eye on you. Yeah. It's not your responsibility. Yeah. Who'd have did it? Oh my God. You can't let it go. No, I want to know.

I want to know. First of all, Bobby off the hook with the dick sucks already. Were you naturally good at it? Cause I feel like. Oh my God. I feel like, I feel like as a guy you're like, I know what I like. So you have like certain skills, right? That's silly.

I just want to say this to you and I'm not going to go into detail about it. But when you're young, you don't know what you like. So I think it was pretty much amateur hour. You know what I mean? I would probably like, I wouldn't go down to the sack or the taint. Yeah. Right. And go, you like that?

Right. Right. I think it was more like, you know, licking the tip and going, you know, you know, is that suffice? Right. What? It's just funny. Yeah.

Yeah. Like if I was. Look how happy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's never this joyful. Yeah.

If I was. Never. A gay man. Yeah. And I was, and you were gay. Uh-huh. And you and I were having sexual sexualities with each other. Uh-huh.

You and I would probably be like, we probably know what we liked, you know. Of course. And we would do extra things, you know. Yeah. To please ourselves. Sure. I would like to please you. Thanks.

You're welcome. I like that. But yeah, he was a kid, babe. Yeah, baby. Kids don't know how to give blowjobs in case you're wondering. Yeah. I mean, is that enough of a answer for you? And were you blowing adults?

No, no, no. Oh my God. Oh my God. You can't let it go, can you? It's just like. You can't let it go, can you? I'm sorry. What was it?

And this is your fault, sweetie. Do you like that? Yeah, yeah. It's your fault. Oh my goodness. So check this out. This guy. Yeah.

Smoked man. With his brother. Uh-huh. Something cool happened. What? My brother didn't believe me. But when he smoked with me, he put at his dick, I can't believe how big his dick was. He jacked off in four strokes and shot the most comic ever shot.

And he's fine. He has no other problems at all. But his dick is even harder and thicker and even more coming. He believes me now. This is a pretty good ad for meth, I think, right? Yeah. Yeah. But it's a dangerous stuff because you can go fast.

Yeah. And you start losing teeth really quickly. Yeah, of course. Did your teeth fall out? No. Jesus. You were in middle school. His teeth fell out.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had like four teeth left. I can't do it. No. If I showed you the inside of my mouth. It's crazy.

Maybe. I don't know what the fuck you're doing right now. But you're calling me out and you're like exposing things. I don't want people to know. He can't chew steak. I can't chew steak. He has to chew it up front. Seriously?

Yeah. I just want to say this, okay? Yeah. It's just that. Oh, it's just... That happened on its own. Yeah. Can I just say this?

Yeah. It's just so offensive. Yes. Yes. Right? I have a bunch of teeth missing and I can't chew steak. But I don't think that's from the meth. I think that's because I don't floss.

Oh, yeah. So when did those teeth get removed? It's been years of deterioration. Do you go to a dentist at all? Ever? I did to get them removed. Yes. What about...

Because they were in pain? Well, you know Steve Simone? Yeah. His brother did it. His brother's a dentist? Yeah. Have you thought about replacing the teeth that are missing? I wanted to do metal rods into my bone of your jaw.

You know how they did implants? Yeah. And they screw it in, but I just... Bro, life is better with molars. Yeah. You should chew steak. You should do it now. Life is long.

No, no, no, no. Because I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why, no. Because I'm fine. Okay. Because you can chew with gums. I don't know if you know that. No, not steak.

Not steak. Yeah, but you can chew brussel sprouts. Yeah. Okay. You can chew everything up front. Everything's... So you go to Korea Barbecue and you get your Calbee and you're chewing in the front? In the front, yeah.

And I have a couple of like rogue teeth in the back that you... That, you know, like I'll have gums on top. It's bone. Okay. Your bones have sprouted. Bone spur. Oh. Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, I have that. But you know what? I'm on a sitcom right now. Can I see? They can't tell. Can I see your teeth? I smile like this. They can't tell.

Let me see. Open your mouth. Can I do it in camera? Yeah, of course. All right. So you're going to look down here. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Oh my God. It doesn't happen. I don't. And then up here? None. Wow. Yeah, yeah.

But you definitely can't tell. No, you can't tell. But I'm surprised it just doesn't bother you. Just why don't you just... No, I'm being real. I don't know what's wrong with you right now, but like it just whisper into my ear and then you tell me you're going to be saying stuff and then I'll go, no, don't do that. Okay.

Because it's like now, you know what I mean? I've sucked dick. I have no teeth. You know what I mean? There's so much going on right now that I can't... I'm being defensive. By the way. Yeah, yeah.

Don't better know. So, okay. Asians. Listen. I love them. Yeah. This is... Do you love all of them though?

No, I don't like them. He doesn't. He thinks my people are garbage. What are your people? Filipino. Oh, interesting. We're in the bottom of the totem pole. No, no, no.

That's not true. Tanner skin is kind of racist. Tanner skin, late third world country, colonial people. We know we've been colonialized. We never really got our true independence. We're sovereign, but not really. So he thinks Koreans generally think Filipinos are shit. Yeah.

No. Yes, you do. No, we don't. And even the Koreans in my island all think we're shit. Sweetie, I'm dating you. Why would I think... I'm dating you. I don't think that you're a mud person.

There you go. If I'm dating you, if I'm eating and I'm doing sexuality with you... You know why? Because he has a colonial mentality. You're like the Spanish conqueror that likes to fuck the poor, peasant Filipino girl. I can see that. Yeah. You can see that?

You can see that. I'm saying that that's a viable idea that she threw out. I'm not saying it's true. I'm saying it's plausible. Can I say this though? Yeah, yeah. You two together, right? Right.

You know deep down inside, right? Because you're out here in the country. Yeah. Right? You're on Wichita Kata Lane road, whatever that thing is. I never heard of that road, by the way. Right? And you know that this is real love because you guys have your character defects and you're

able to forgive and you just love each other, right? This is the same thing. How could it be a colonization kind of a situation? Because you tell me every day, my people are garbage. What's wrong? What do you think is wrong with the Filipino? I do it as a joke. You know that.

But what's wrong with them? I don't know because I've never heard anything negative about Filipinos. What are the stereotypes? Well, they're more intense within Asian cultures, right? Well, can I just say this? I'm going to give you props. Probably the most talented out of the Asians. Really?

Talented in what? Boxing. Yeah. Oh, that's true. Singing. Billiards. Billiards. Yeah.

All kinds of stuff. Okay. What are the negative stereotypes about Filipinos? We really don't know. He doesn't think that we have any true innovation in terms of creating electronics because that's what Koreans do apparently. Good yogurt. But what if that's just a Korean thing and not, you know what I'm saying?

Different strokes. I have a theory. Can I hear my theory? Yeah. Okay. Groups of people that they have climate, like the seasons change. They go from summer to winter, right? Yeah.

That they have to create more technology to survive. Okay. So they're constantly in a mode of creating things out of survival, right? And when you're in a jungle place, right? Mm-hmm. Which is beautiful. We go to jungles all the time, right? Yeah.

Hawaii. Aloha. Aloha to you. Aloha to my friend, right? Yeah. Is that they don't really have to do that, so they don't create... That's why you don't... No, no, no.

Your logic is skewed. Okay. What about the Inuits and shit? I mean, they don't have technology. They live in igloos and they eat small meat and shit. Isn't he saying that... Yeah. They don't have a Samsung.

Right. They don't have shit. But he's saying that the cold weather is conducive to people creating technology. Oh, he's saying that the people that don't have a necessity... Oh, you're not saying... I see what you're saying. Eskimos. Correct.

I understand that, right? But there's six of them. We need more. Yeah, yeah. And there was hundreds and thousands of them. I think they would... Computers and so on. But no one would live out in the tundra like that.

That's a little ridiculous. That's a little extreme. So do you feel like when you're done with him, you'll move on to like a Japanese guy or just like... Oh, Jeff, I think the... I told you that I would probably get with like a East Coast Indian. That's right. Yeah.

Indian from India? No, no, no. East Coast. New York Indian. Like New York Indian. No, like from India. India. Oh, right.

Okay. Sorry. Just to clarify. From India, but like a Jersey guy or something. Oh, that's interesting, Max. Yeah. I don't know if I've ever met that, Max. That's interesting.

They're good. Yeah. What's... What do you like about them? There's a different swag about them. But not the LA Indian. It's all planned out. Yeah.

This has been... Will you tell me again? Because I want Christina to hear it. Yeah. What was it again? You said your game was... You're like when I started dating, when you guys went out on a few dates, you said my game was...

What was it like? I pretend... Like he didn't know if... Where things are or something? No. Remember the whole Tinder thing where you're like, is this working? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

So when I... The game is that he's like, how does this work, LOL? That's hilarious. That's funny. Yeah. You pretend that you don't know... I did it every day. Yeah.

But I pretend it... I always pretend like you're the first one. Yeah. I don't know how it works. That's kind of... That's ingenious. Or I would say hi twice. Right.

And then the third thing was like, did I just say hi twice? Right. To make it like... You know what I mean? Like funny. Yeah. That was my style. I like that.

It's a pretty good one. I like it, yeah. I like it too. I like that. That's endearing. Let me go to my Asian question now for the Asians. Okay, go ahead. So did you follow the controversy over the prom dress?

Yes. I know what... I know about it, yeah. All right. So I could show our audience. Yeah. So here's the dress that this girl... Uh-huh.

What's your take on it? Is it... Well, I'm going to throw this out there, right? Well, explain the drama. So... That's right. So the drama is that a girl went to prom and she bought a... A white girl.

Or what is she... A white girl, yes. A white girl bought a... I guess you call it traditional Chinese dress. She saw it and was like, I want to wear this to prom. She posted her pictures like, going to prom. And anyway, somebody else, a Chinese guy, to be specific, did a tweet where he quoted it and was said, my culture is not your goddamn dress.

And that thing exploded. So then she's kind of in this middle of this firestorm about whether it's cultural appropriation and all this stuff. So anyways, the old white... So we have to ask Asians what the route is. Let's ask an Asian. Yeah. Well, I have two things to say about that.

Okay. Number one, the only thing that makes me mad about it is she would never fucking Asian guy. Oh. But she'll wear our clothes. Interesting. If she was knee deep in an Asian dick. Yeah.

Wear whatever you want. Oh, really? Yeah, because... You'd be like... Oh, I would be like, yeah. That's the... He's killing it. You gotta pay your dues.

Here's my second. And I just thought about this. I love it. I just thought about this. Yeah. Okay. In Asia, this is how we used to dress. Correct.

Okay. Okay. But this clothing right here, the clothing I'm wearing right now, right, is more Western developed. Correct. That's right. So essentially I'm wearing Western clothing. Right.

Which is white people clothing. Right. Right. So why is this okay? Because it's literally appropriating the white guy's style. I know it bothers me. It does. It doesn't.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'll get... I'll start dressing like that again. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. If you showed up like that. But that's my thing. And also on top of it, it's like... The only thing that I had a problem with girls that were like... Look, I got a tattoo of a Chinese symbol on their body, right? Whoops. And then they would never like facas.

Yeah. But they'll have... I get it. Are writing on them permanently. That's very... That would drive me crazy. I get that. Right.

But they were sexually open to you. That's interesting. I think that Asians perpetuate this. You know, they perpetuate it. They get angry when something like this is worn, but they sell it to the masses, right? So if you were to go to Asia, let's say for instance, my Indian friend actually told me this. She goes, you know, when they wear the jewel in the middle of the forehead, she's like, we sell them everywhere.

And then you get angry when people wear it. That's a good point. If you go to Chinatown in San Francisco, they're everywhere. Right. So it's like... That's true. And you're supposed to, I guess, I mean, to further that point, it's like, if you are... If you, the person, are selling the thing and I buy it to wear it, you're also...

You are profiting from it, so you have a win. In other words, I gave you money to get the thing. That's true. So you get money for the dress, so it's not a nice exchange. But if she was... If I found out that she was a Clam member... Oh, jeez. That'd be hot, right?

Then... Yeah, we were kind of hearty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like that. I like it. But that would have a problem, maybe, with that. Do you get off on the... Like, did you ever sleep with somebody and ask them... Do you need a tissue bar?

No, that's fine. No, that's just the way I am. Okay. Did you ever ask somebody to call you racial slurs as you had sex or anything like that? Or no? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, call me Gooke.

Oh, whatever. Is that the only one for Koreans? Are there other ones? No, you put some adjectives before it. Okay. Call me Panface Gooke. I... Yeah, something like that.

I just... I put out there, by the way, that I hope everyone that's giving this girl shit gives Stevens a galsam shit, too. Yes. He's the biggest. He's the biggest cultural applicator. Yeah. I met him once.

Yeah? He said to me, 12 times in a row, and he didn't see any other words, namaste. Oh, my gosh. They go... This is Steven Segal. He goes, namaste. But there was other white people with me, other comedians at whatnot. Is this at Matt TV?

No. It was at some sort of like billboard awards or something like that, right? I hosted it one year. Yeah. We went back when I was on Matt TV. Yeah. And he met all the other ones. He said, hello, how are you?

But he would look at me and go, namaste. Which isn't even your culture. And also, I don't even know what the fuck that means. I used to make fun of him for this in my act. Yeah. Because I used to watch that show, Lawman, which was the reality show. Followed him around. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like Jefferson Parish. And he was so blatant about how he would switch up for different races. So when he'd pull over black, he'd be like, what's up with y'all tonight? Yeah. What are y'all getting into? Yeah. Yeah. And show enough.

He would really, really ham it up and black it up for them. Asian people, I swear, he was like bowing. Yeah. He would bring up martial arts. Yeah. And they were always like, I called you about a fucking, there's a fire next door. Like, I don't want to get into this conversation with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, you know, with Latin people, like Hispanic people, he would start speaking like Spanish. But you know what? I know those kind of whites. Yeah. And those kind of whites, their heart, they mean well. They mean well. Oh, that's a good point.

And you know that. It's like, I was on a flight. He's trying to connect. I was on a flight, right? And there was this like Southern Asian guy next to, not a white guy. I mean, Southern white guy next to me. And you could tell that he was kind of wanting to talk to me, but he didn't know how, what angle, because you can tell that he doesn't, he's not around a lot of Asians.

Yeah. So he just said, uh, my daughter loves Hello Kitty. He said that to me. Yeah. And you were nice to him. I never created. Yeah. If I did, I wouldn't be in the middle seat Southwest Airlines.

It is true. Yeah. It's true because my father is that white guy. Yeah. 100%. And you forgive it. Yeah. I mean, like I'm a rent, like I get to observe him.

So I, as, and I'm also his kid. So I get, oh my God, embarrassed and all, you know what I mean? But I know his heart's in a good place. If he were here right now meeting you, you know, he would only be able to bite his tongue for a few minutes. Right. Before he'd be like, uh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Japanese occupied. Yeah. Yeah. And he'd be like, they're brutal people. You just try to get you to go off. Well, that right there would be, uh, you know, a fresh of breath.

A breath of fresh air. A breath of fresh air. Yeah. Or he would definitely bring up the current news. Yeah. I like that. The Korean occupation of the Japanese occupation of Korea because that's never brought up. People don't even know about that.

So I would be, I would be engaged. Oh, then he'd be like, the chaps are nuts. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I would be like, yeah, they are. Yeah. Yeah.

I've seen him do it. It's, you know, as an ethnic person. Yeah. And I want to tell people this, you learn how to survive in the world. Sure. And you know, I'm not as sensitive about things as like other Asian people in show business. You're also a comic. Yeah.

That's another thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But you know what? Where's the come? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You've, you've heard of all kinds. I mean, shit in the parking lot of the store, you've heard the wildest shit anyone will ever say. Yeah. But you know what? I give it out too.

Of course you do. You know, it's like, you know, like if a black guy kissed me on the cheek, I go, did I get sick or so on email? You know, you would just, you would just do jokes. Sounds like it happened. It did happen. Yeah. And then you would like, I'm also very touchy-feely with comics.

I would grab people's junk, which you can't do anymore. So I don't do it anymore. But back in the day, you would just fuck around with comics and I'm pretty strong when it comes to stuff like that. Yeah. Who are your parents the most racist about growing up? Yeah. But they based it on, they owned a clothing store called Fashion Gal and it was basically

like, you know, lame Brian for ethnic people. So Samoans. Okay. But every once in a while, Indians would go walk in and they wouldn't buy anything. So I heard that a lot. They don't buy nothing. They come in, they look around, they look around, they look around. You know what I mean?

Yeah. And you hear it and you're like, all right, dad. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they're, you know, cockroaches, you know, or he did do a list of like, you know, one time he made a list of like who the hierarchy of. Well, who's not who's at the top? Koreans. Yeah. Well, naturally.

And then who's second place? The second were oddly enough Japanese. Yeah. Really? Yeah. But for a Korean to give them. Yeah. Because they give it in terms of like economic strength and their position in the world

and all that stuff. Yeah. Number three was Chinese. Okay. Okay. Number four was snakes. Yeah. And number five was Mexicans.

They were like animals in between it. You know what I mean? Yeah. And then my black friends go, where were we on the list? I go, the only list was up to 100. Yeah. So, you know, but yeah, they, you know, they're pretty racist, but you know what? My dad's on the verge of death.

Yeah. Hi. Well, isn't that, but that's also generational. Like I feel like, you know, we can't, we can't shit on them. It's like, that's the time they came up. Yeah. It's like, what are you going to do? Change a 70 year old guy's life around his brain around.

Well, let me ask you guys, you do this, I know you're about to give birth. I know you're. I have a couple of months. I know, I know, but I'm saying like, I know you're in this thing. I know you're semi happy in a relationship. Um, let's say you're single. All right. Take yourself to a single place.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It feels good, right? And, uh, this guy sends you a video. Would you? Oh shit. Here we go. Would you go out?

Would this play for you basically? You know? Get y'all some sex. We call this outdoor fucking. Okay. Fucking ladies. I'm out. I'm tapped out.

Come on. Oh yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God. All right. I feel like I saw this in public school a lot. I was in public school. Like dudes would just do this shit to you all the time.

Right? Yeah. It's fucked up. I mean, no one monitored it back in the day. I thought the ground. I gotta say, I'm just surprised. So nasty. At the reaction.

I thought it was going to be real. I thought you both were going to be like, what's his number? Let me get it. It's like that never worked for him. You don't think so? No. But you don't know that. That move has never worked.

You don't know. But then why does he keep doing it? I don't know why. Because I don't know why he does it. Oh, there's more. Oh my God. It's a nice living room though. It's a nice couch.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. I like that eye contact. Yeah. Yeah. Relentless shirt. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think that. Yeah. That's exactly what guys did in high school. Yes. Yes. This guy, Joel Green, he would just whip his dick out and do this all day. Yeah.

There was a kid that would just run out of the bathroom at my school and he would rub his crotch and go, ooh, I got a boner. Like just stuff like that. I feel like Bobby probably did that. No. No. Actually, I'll be honest with you. I was very, I was pretty Christian about my stuff.

Really? Yeah. Because you have to understand in high school, I was, you know, because I went to rehabs like that and I had such a low self-esteem that I would never behave that way. I was more, I would do all my sexual deviancy and stuff in private. But I was, when I was out in public, I was so shy and scared of the approval, disapproval of just people in general that I just wouldn't, you know, I wasn't outlandish in that way. That's right.

I think game time, you're pretty, you're pretty square. I'm square. Yeah. I mean, when I was 23 and I started doing stand-up is when the first time I go, oh, this girl wants to hook up with me. Really? But it took that long. I mean, I, you know, aside from the couple of penises I sucked as a kid.

Yeah, yeah. And then aside from, you know, I, when I was in my last rehab in high school, which is the McDonald's Center in La Jolla, I met a Japanese man by the name of Donald Yasuachi. And Donald Yasuachi owned all this farmland in Oceanside, California. Yeah. And I worked on his farm when I got sober. My senior year in high school. And then one day he goes, hey, you want to, you want to fuck?

I go, not you. No, like, you know, I, let's go to Mexico. So he would rent out this hotel in La Fonda. Oh, I like La Fonda. Yeah, right. The beach. And he would have, he would have clients from like Ralph's and Vaughn's that bought vegetables from him.

And I was invited and so I would sit there with these like CEOs and like these people that owned like with money. And he would cattle in like just 20 women and I was able to choose. And I was such a hard worker. Yeah. They didn't have to pay for it. Wow. And he knew that was sober too.

Cause I was diligent about my sobriety. Yeah. That that was like little gifts that he would get. Shout out to Daniel. Nice. Donald. Donald. He hooked it up.

He did hook it up. So did you go to town? Yeah. Sober. Like a horny kid. I mean, were you just like, like a rabbit? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Like that. Yeah. And then, um, But you're pretty straightforward lovers. What you're saying, right? Yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty straightforward.

I'm Christian about it. I had to bring out all of his deviance out of him. Well, the reason why I fell in love with her is because she was violent. What? I was. Really? Well, he was just really Christian about his shit. He put out a completely different vibe in the beginning where I was like, oh, yeah,

this is going to feel it. Yeah. Yeah. But come game time, he, you know, he asked permission. Can I kiss you? All that bullshit. Yeah. In this era.

It is. Yeah. But you know what she did was she, um, she goes, she smacked me in the face as hard as she can. Really? Yeah. And then she goes, yeah. Then she goes, put your arms around my neck.

She's like, hear me out. And then she goes, tell me what you want to kill me. And this is like two weeks in. Right. And now this is where I expect Christina to be like, red flag. Yeah. Yeah. I would have been like, I'm going to date someone else.

Yeah. But for me, it was like a spiritual revelation, like an awakening. Oh. I went, oh, this is new stuff. Yeah. And then, but it's so funny with her is in the beginning she was like that. But then when she started falling in love with me, now we're Christian. Yeah.

That makes sense. Yeah. Now does she ever eat your booty? You guys ever do that? I have offered. Really? He's not into it. I'm not into it.

I just, you know, I'm not into giving it. And Tom has been begging me for years. And I won't. Well, you beg her? Well, beg is probably. He's always making his case. But I'm like, it's so gamey back there. And you see how big of a guy he is.

Yeah. Dumps are just gnarly. Yeah. Yeah. I hear them through the wall, you know, and I just can't imagine putting a mouth on them. Could there be compromise? Eating ass, also known as tossing the salad, swimming, cleaning the kitchen, playing the

Rusty Trombone, Anilingus, and Kulosex is actually pretty simple. Step one, ask your partner if you can. Any interest in me licking your asshole the next time I go down on you? How would you feel if I made out with your butt while you masturbate? I want that lady to eat my ass. Yeah, right? Her specifically. In fact, I only want her to eat my ass.

I don't think I'd ever want Bobby to eat my ass. Yeah. I think I'm with you on that. It just doesn't seem hygienic. It's not just hygienic. That's where, you know what I mean? Disasters happen. The brown comes out.

Right. I think in the first year, it seemed like a novel thing to do, but after five years together, I don't think I'd ever put this in. But also, I'm not a medical man either, but like, okay, so even no matter how much they wash, correct? Right? Yes. The rim, the entrance, right?

Could be clean. All right? I suppose they did a little analysis and they found 1% poo in the ring. There is 1% poo. Probably. In the wrinkles, in the folds. Yeah, in the folds, in the wrinkles, in the folds, right? The calamari part is what I like to say.

Right? But inside the walls of the inside of the tube, maybe even the little bit of the entrance, but if you go like maybe a quarter inch in, right? Yeah. It elevates. Now you're getting 60, 50% of cocoa, right? And at that point, it's to me, it's like, no, thank you. And down though, you turn down and off her.

Right. Well, she stuck her finger inside me once. Right? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, thank you. But I feel like that's, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, probably. And she has like skinny like E.T. fingers and that's fine. Yeah. You know what I mean?

But if it was like, you know, Joe Rogan's fingers, it would be like, oh my God, it would have broken. Well, that's a dick, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a dick. Plus your diet, I mean, we had sushi, he had sushi last night and it really affects his diet where he gets diarrhea and stuff. You do?

I didn't get diarrhea. Well, you said it was very runny? No. From the sushi. It was just farty and they smelled bad. Right. Do you go to an all you can eat sushi? Never.

You guys do low grade sushi? You guys go high grade, right? High grade. All right, good, good. Crazy? Come on, dude. Yeah, come on. What?

I don't know. You know, we're not the same way. No way. You might be. Do you do that shit? No way. No, we splurge. We do.

Yeah. We spend some duckets. Yeah. That's the way to do it. You got it. You're a raw fish. Yeah, you do. You got a good top shelf of sushi, man.

Yeah. I mean, because you said you get runny and stuff. Maybe you get like... No. She stopped. But he would from like Nobu. So it's just a, you know... It just doesn't matter where I go.

Yeah. The fish, I think. Bacteria. But I still go deep every time. Yeah, it doesn't stop him. I never stop. But can I tell your fans, though, how I really fell in love with you? Okay.

Yes. Is it weird? Not at all. I mean, you know, I knew you guys were married, right? But I didn't really know him. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

And so I get invited to do this thing called the, what's it called? Oddball comedy comedy. Yeah. Fast, right? And I look at the lineup. It's Sebastian Dane Cook. And then I see Tom on the lineup. I go, oh, cool.

That's cool. I don't know him, but I'm sure he's nice, right? So when I show up at the Burbank Amper Airport, of course, we had to get our own tickets. And my manager only got me a coach, but everyone else got first class. So I had to walk through the sea of like, and Tom was so funny because he, when I was in coach, he would come back with a pillow from first class and throw it at me, right? Which in my head, I'm like, oh, this guy's cool, right? What a dick.

And then apparently you were supposed to, when you landed into, I don't know what city it was, Houston or whatever, you were supposed to have an arrangement, a car arrangement for yourself beforehand. Of course my people didn't do that, right? And so when everyone got off the plane, they just went straight to their cars. And I walked out, I'm like, oh, I didn't have a guy, I had to take a cab. But then I see Tom standing there and he goes, I just make an assumption that you didn't get a car arrangement.

And I go, no, I didn't. And he goes, well, that's why I waited. You want to ride? Oh, Tommy. And I'm about to cry, but I'm being real, but who does that? I know, but it's as a comic that is very rare to do something like that, but I'm selfish because I also did it because honestly, because I was a fan. And well, that's ridiculous.

No, it's true. It's true. I was like, I'm a Bobby Lee fan, so yeah, but that was still like, but also that you knew that I didn't have a ride, which is like also clever of you. Yeah. I put it together. And then when he did that, those gestures in my head, I'm like, wow, this guy is legitimately a great guy.

Yes, he's the best. He really is. He really is. Right? Yeah. He is. Well, you're the best as well. No, I'm pretty great.

But in terms of like dudes in this business, especially in the showbiz, we're just talking about this at the very top of the show, how normal he is and how sweet he is and I want to say this about you, too. I don't really recall people's sets ever. But one time I was at the ice house in Pasadena and I walked into the annex, right? And you were on stage and I think you were doing new bids or whatever. But I sat there. I was, you know, when I walk into a room, I just kind of hear one joke.

Yeah. But she was so fucking funny that I sat there for like 20 minutes and I had to go up in the other room. I said, fuck it. I got to watch this girl. She's fucking amazing. Right. So you two together is wonderful.

Yeah. Thanks, buddy. You guys want to take our dicks out? Yeah. Four strokes. You guys want to smoke some meth and jerk each other off? You're very sweet, Bobby Lee. Thank you for saying that.

No, but no, you guys are sweet people. That's all. Thanks. We try. Well, you don't like compliments? No. I think it's very nice. I think it's very nice.

I think you're 100% accurate. Well, I will say that I've never heard a bad word about you. Like there are people in this, you hear stories like that as if I can douchebag. Have you ever heard anybody say anything bad about Bobby Lee? No. I have some animates out there. Really? In comedy?

Yeah. Nobody says bad things about you. Oh, they do. If you were just talking to the wrong people. Well, first of all, I'd love to find those people. I could tell you who those people are. Give me their number. Well, no.

I want to hear them talk shit. But there are people out there that just, they don't like me. You know what it is though? Can I just say this? This is what Mitzi always said to me, you know, to become a star, you kind of have to have both people that love you and people that hate you. Oh, 100%. Right?

Yeah. And so I'm not really good at trolls and people like ripping me apart. Like I'm on a show, right? And you know, when the show premiered, people on Twitter were like, you're a terrible actor. And as a comic, you know, you're a little paranoid when I do acting work. Ask her. I get really paranoid. Sure.

And I've done movies. I've been on a lot of shows, but still I don't really have the confidence yet to say I'm a good actor, right? I'm passable. And I've been, you know, I've been serious regular on things, so it's fine. I know how to do it. But it's like, so it's very like difficult for me to read bad things. But you know, in many ways, it's just inevitably going to happen.

And I just got to, I have to grow past it. Yeah. It is tough to read horrible things about you. I mean, who likes that? Nobody enjoys it. You have to longer. You do this. And, you know, I mean, I'm sure you experienced it too, because you come into it from not

having probably a lot of public exposure three weeks ago. Oh, yeah. Tell them. I think it's even worse for me because I don't, I'm not trying to break in the industry at all whatsoever. And I just do a podcast with him. So I'm a few weeks ago, some guy decided to take something out of context about me and it became like the number one thing on Reddit.

And the headline was Bobby Lee's wife admits to being with him only for his money. Oh my God. First of all, I'm not married to this bitch. Yeah. Yeah. First of all, I was like. And I can tell. I can tell.

It's not going to happen. Yeah. But it is. But that's all I'll ever be reduced to is that because it's not like I could ever out credit that internet. You know what I mean? Yes, you can. I could never.

Yeah, you will. You can and you will if you want to. Like it'll disappear. But it being not rooted in truth means that you will out credit that claim. That's just internet gossip. You know, it's like it doesn't mean it doesn't. It's not like a valid source. It's somebody saying something and right.

And so the guy ended up writing this long essay of an email apologizing for using click baby headline and like, you know, but. But she lost sleep over it. Yeah. It was a devastating time. I did blood for a week over. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I really did. That's terrible. Well, now I know. Listen, in the beginning, it's you very sensitive to it and then you'll get used to the venom and the poison. Don't you? Crazy people. Have you get used to it a little more?

Do you guys get that? I feel like you're just the most likable. My my my thing is just not reading it. Yeah. It helps not to read it. Don't fucking look. Like if someone had told me, hey, there's this Reddit thing and I'd be like, great, I'm not looking.

I don't even read comments on like Instagram posts. You learn to do that. I don't read anything. So therefore I don't get hurt. Definitely stay away from YouTube comments. Don't even look at it. Yeah. I don't know.

You don't want to know. I am DV. If you look at up, there's like nine pages of how terrible I am. Oh my gosh. It used to be, you know, and I used to read them. Oh, no. I haven't checked in 10 years or whatever, but it's like, you know, I was like, why subject myself to that?

Yeah. Exactly. It was much easier. I hurt. It was much easier in like the eighties and nineties or sixties. Yeah, of course. To be a comedian because like you could be on a show, you could be terrible, but where are you going to read?

No one says anything. Or they have to write a letter and send it to the network and you're never going to see that. Yeah. Yeah. Call the studio or whatever. How much easier with that. So great.

You realize these are people that are unhappy with their own lives. Whoever started that about you. It's not about you. They're just looking for a target somewhere to put their anger and rage and maybe this person's jealous of you and your beauty and you're happy or whatever the fuck. And it's not even to do with you, man. Yeah, you're right. It's on them.

This thing about it, would you start a Reddit about someone you didn't even know? No. About a fucking pot. No, because you're not, you're not a miserable cunt. This person's a miserable cunt. Yeah. But what makes people, I mean, let me just say this. Exactly what she said.

I know, but it's, you know, you know, it's going to hurt somebody's feelings. Yeah. But they don't think that she's a person. That's why. It's always like there's a level of disconnect, right? So you don't feel like they're talking about Bobby, the guy sitting in front of me. It's a guy who was on mad TV, big TV show. They don't think of you as as a real person.

And you think about you are not in a good place if you spend time creating that out there. In other words, if you're happy with like what you're doing, your life, your dating, you don't go like, I'm going to take time out of my day. Ruin this girl's life. You know what I mean? Like, so it's people who are in a place that they're not happy. Yeah.

Channel energy into that. And it's like, if you were happy, you don't have time to do that. You don't have any desire to do that. Yeah. If you didn't care for somebody's podcast or work, you would just go, I don't want to listen to this. And then you click off. That's all you would do.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This makes sense. It's illogical. And I think it would be easier also if we knew who they were too. It's like, you don't want to know. If you saw who it was, the reality is you'd be like, oh, wow, like this is a pathetic. No, but we figured out who it was and what this guy looked like. She did research.

I did. You went down the rabbit hole. You shouldn't have done it. And we asked our fans to find him and they found him. They found him. And then he wanted to come on the podcast and plug his own. No, he wanted to be plug his own YouTube comedy channel, was it? Because he's a troll.

See, he's trying to profit off of you. Right. And you know, they always say that thing that the person that espouses that hate is actually they love you and don't know how to say it. You know, somebody that that is obsessed with you saying negative shit is actually somebody that kind of has like a crush on you. Yeah, I don't know how to channel it. So they go negative, you know, right? The opposite was saying, like, I think you're the best.

Right. Like the opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. Right. Right. So it's the same coin. They're just haters going, hey, girl. I got extorted for money on our podcast. You actually blackmailed you paid? No. But they said, if you don't send us 15 grand, we're going to put this thing

out that I already said on the podcast, that's already out there. Right. And so I just ignored it for weeks. Right. We got a bunch of emails. Well, we email them, put it out. Yeah. Yeah. But then what happened was I got a commercial and I was on the commercial like just sitting there and the lawyers came up to me and said, can we talk to you for a second?

And I'm standing there sitting next to Jane Lynch because it's her and I in the commercial, right? It was for like some good money. Yeah. And I go outside and I go, what's matter? I guess we got in a complaint from me. It was that same person that was, they went out of their way to call the ad agency. Right.

And to prohibit me from participating in the commercial. What are you giving me that face for? I'm not allowed to talk about it. Yeah, you are. Okay, good. Did it actually stop you from doing the commercial? No, they go, you know what's so great? They said, you know what, we're just kind of, I mean, we did get the complaint,

but we also want to say that we vetted you and we know that you see crazy things. Yeah. Right. And that so, you know, you're doing a great job for our commercial. We love you. Thank you. Oh, great. What's that?

I don't know what that is. Our nanny texting me back about our child. Yeah. But people go to great lengths to fuck you on this thing. Yeah, man. I feel like it should be a separate diagnosis. I think that the whole science of trolls is really interesting. Yeah.

I think it should be like a new diagnosis and psychology because they're faceless, but there are like dads and regular people who really live in inside the internet. There's somebody doing that right now who probably teaches out of school. Exactly. Yeah. Crazy. Oh my God, right? Yeah.

Taking it out. Well, when you think about it, it's such an easy outlet. I'm angry. I'm pissed off. I'm just going to throw my hate towards this stranger. Of course. Where's your baby? Where?

It's inside. Oh, your baby. I don't know. Put him in the crate with the dogs, right? Yeah, lock him up. No, who has a baby? OK. It's this is not your first baby.

This is your second baby, right? I think so. No, what? It'll be honest. I know he's in. Yeah, but you have another baby, right? Yeah, he's inside. Having his lunch pretty soon.

Yeah, but does he speak English and stuff? He does, like most of Korean. But he has, like, if I said hi. Yeah, here we are. Oh, really? Hi. He's a boy. Yeah, Christina, Tom said that your ex was Asian.

Yes, Chinese. Was he like the handsome Asian or was he one of the. How dare you? I don't know. I don't know. Well, listen, I didn't even know what she said. She she got wrong. Oh, she said, was he handsome or one of these or one of these?

I'm broken. Godfuck up. Yeah, he's very young. I think Bobby Lee's easy. I think clearly. Yes, he didn't have facial hair. He couldn't grow it like that. Well, there you go.

Yeah. Are you going to do the beard implant? I am. He's going to do a beard. No. Yeah. Seriously? Yeah.

What can you grow a full beard? Can you grow a full beard? No, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah. I wanted to look like him. I do it. Well, I already told you my look, right? Right.

In 10 years. Yeah. You're going to do a full beard. I'm going to do a full beard. Nice. Right. And my hair is receding like yours. Yeah, I've got nothing.

But I'm going to grow the sides out to my shoulders and have the beard. And I'm going to have these like weird, like Dr. Strange glove glasses. I like this idea, actually. Right. And I'm going to wear Hawaiian shirts only open. Yeah. And I'm going to be really tan.

You're going to get your most acting work ever. That's the plan. Yeah, that's the plan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like your hair this length. It's good. God bless you. It's quite nice.

You want to see somebody trying to scare someone and they scare the wrong person? I think it's pretty great. OK. Oh, God, I'm sorry. I can't hear somebody else. Oh, my God, that's so funny. I noticed. Oh, my God, it makes me so happy.

Yeah, if that were if that was me, what would you do? I go crazy. Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah, I was fucking doing. Yeah, I don't like being scared like that either. I hate that shit. There would be there would be a problem.

I can't do that. You can't do haunted houses. I don't like it. She used to do that shit. Haunted houses. No, she used to like hide like I'd come home and she'd hide and you jump out and then tape it. Remember, you did it like two or three times and post it.

Did you post it ever one time? She posted it, but she has a heart. She has a heart problem. So he can't do it. So I can't do it back. Oh, that's not fair. Because if I do it back, she could die. No, it sucks.

That's terrible. Nobody asked me a question. He was handsome, very handsome, a Chinese guy. He was, I met him. Sweet guy, super smart, super. My Korean girlfriends are saying Chinese men are the way to go with husbands. Yeah, yes. I'm not saying she made the wrong choice.

No, Tom's the best choice. But here's the problem with the Chinese guy. I dated, we were together for four years, so we were serious. We were living together. And then there was that whole idea of taking care of the whole family, taking care of mom and dad and everybody. So I think that that put a strain on him. He was really stressed out.

And I knew that if we had a family together, that like our children would never be number one. You know what I mean? He was always taking care of mom and dad, the sisters and the... It's part of the fancy semi culture. Again. Well, how did you meet him, though? Because I knew her when they were dating.

So we were, oh, that's right. Like open micers and like, and she would show up and she'd be like, here's my Chinese boyfriend. I did not say it like that. Yeah, yeah. That's all he is. Just a Chinese guy. She's like, it's a fetish.

Do you like him? But did they break up before you made the moves? Or did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got like, I got a phone call, like she's single. So I swoop in there. Yeah. But did you like him when you were dating the Chinese guy?

I was, I liked him as a person. Yeah, I didn't have like crushes or nothing. Yeah. But then I always liked Tom because he was so mature. Like when he, I met him when he was 23 and I was 26. Yeah. And he was just like a man. Like he, he carried himself like a grown ass man.

And he was so funny at 23. Like Tom's a girl has never not been good at stand up. Yeah. Like the first time he did it, he was fucking amazing. And so I always was like, that guy is so special. Like you were so special. I remember that I would go to your, that you used to run your show. Yeah.

And Los Feliz. Yeah. And like, you were, you were a boss lady at that thing. A boss lady. Yeah, she was. I was a little boss lady. So you had, I mean, you weren't just doing, I always felt like, you know, when you, when you start doing.

When you fart. When you fart the first time. When you fart, when you're doing stand up, it's funny. No, when you start stand up, you're like, Oh, this lady is, she's running shows. And I was, I was almost intimidated. You know what I mean? That yeah, because you go like, Oh, you're like a gatekeeper also. Yeah.

I was just trying to make a buck. Actually, I was trying to get out of we're going to day job. Yeah. Was this after MTV and all that? Yeah, that happened in like 98 or 99. I graduated and then yeah, I started. It's so funny you and you know, who's similar to that is Theo. Yes.

But you guys, it's so funny because you guys come from that world. That was like earlier in your life. Oh my God. But you guys are legitimately comedians and like legitimately funny. It's so so long. I was like 20 years ago. Yeah, but it's hard to, I can't, I really, it's difficult to reinvent yourself in that way. Yeah, to break that history.

It's like, for me, I was on that TV. So it's kind of along the same lines of stand up, right? It's the same lane. But for you guys, it's like, wow, you guys are really transcendent. I have a theory that I was only able to date her because I didn't watch. Oh, stop it. Absolutely. If you had been on one of the shows, like if you were on one of the real

worlds that I watched and then I'm like, oh, that's you. I think I would have. So I would have kept my distance. In other words, what? Because you're like, oh, this tricks. But here's the thing. I wasn't ever crazy. I don't know if I wasn't crazy.

I wasn't like a puck care. Like I barely was on the fucking thing because I think I would have kept my distance just just feeling like, oh, yeah. You know, I feel like I know her. It's weird. Like she is. I just know you. Yeah, I just played out.

Not played out. Just I knew you're out there. Sucking dick. Yeah. See, that's what it sounds like. Yeah, I knew. I knew you had quite the resume when it came to that. So I mean, you're over there in Australia.

You know what? It's true, though, because that did really work against me when I tried to get an agent because back then reality TV, we were in the dumpster. Yeah, people thought of us as like just used up fucking porn stars. Really, we weren't you were considered shit. So now and now you can have an entire brand and be in a reality personality. But back then we were really bottom of the barrel. It's really like that, even with me, too, though.

It's yeah, because when I got off a mad, I remember the perfect segue. No, but it's not because I remember there was a movie called dinner with schmucks. Yeah, yeah, Steve Carell, right? And so Ken Jung got offered a role. Yeah. But then he couldn't do it scheduling wise. So in my head, I'm like, oh, shit.

Well, he can't do it. Perfect. I'm going to get in. And the casters wouldn't even see me. Well, and I go, well, tell them why. And they go because he was on mad TV. Oh, he's like a clown. Yeah, he's not real. Wow. Right.

So I had it. I had to. There was a bunch of movies like that where I couldn't even get in because of perception. They say it's a perception thing. Yeah, it takes a while. It takes a while. And but what happened was because of the success of

Key and Peele, Baron Holtz, Will Sasso to a degree, all these guys, they've shaken that mad TV. You know, so I think it's helped. Now things are great, but it took me a very long time. Do you feel like there's too many Asians working today? Well, you know, the thing is that let me say something to you. Yeah, me too. Me too. I do. Is that what you're about to say?

No, but what I was going to say is this, though, is that you have a point there. What do you mean? What's my point? In many, I've never been threatened of other Asian actors. I when Stephen Yume was on Walking Dead, I was so happy because he's number one, he doesn't have an accent. Number two is handsome and he's dating a white girl in it or whatever.

I mean, and I know Yume is a really nice guy. You know, I'm happy, but, you know, when you have more Asians, but you have the same amount of opportunity as you did 10, 15 years ago, then it becomes hard. I see. There's more. Yeah. You know, same amount of slots. But the same amount of opportunity or more opportunity, you say? I think there's a little bit more opportunity for us,

but there's a lot more of us. All right, you know, and also you're not. I'm not getting younger, right? I'm getting old, but so isn't the answer there, though, or the solution to kind of get rid of some Asian people? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But how do you do that? Is that what you're saying?

Yeah. But how do you do that? There's no way to do it. And just kick him out. No, I'm the more the merrier, to be honest with you. Build that wall. So here is two deaf people. I have to pass gas real quick. OK. Oh, no, no.

Go in there. Oh, damn it. Is this real? Why would you put this in here? Can we get you really just farted in the next round? Did he really hear that? Stay there for a while. I don't want to smell that. I'm pregnant. I'll fucking barf.

I don't smell. No, you do. Yeah, you what are you eating? You're eating kimchi or eating all kinds of fucking nasty shit. There's no nasty stuff. You eating your Korean food? Does he eat Korean food all the time? Do you eat wild? Or wild?

You know what I mean? Like bees. No silkworms and shit. Do you eat the silkworms? Korean food? I go I go high class with that shit. Where do you go? I'm a fancy Korean.

Are you? Yeah, I'm not like working class Korean. Aren't you going to take us? We talked about this. Yeah, I'll take you wherever you want. I'll take you. Do you guys have any good ones around the area? We have one in the valley that's decent.

Yeah. The Korean barbecue, like dinner spot, like fancy spot. Yeah. I go to a place called. I want to say what it's called. Do you go to Choson ever? Yeah, we've been there once. It's OK.

I was trying to tell them that we used to go. We had that joint in K-town. When we lived there on 6th Street, I forget the name. I forget what corner it was. Because it's really Korean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a kimchi trough. You know when I put the kimchi and then the meat juices

go into the kimchi? I really like that. Is it that little mini mall where there's a 7-Eleven and all that stuff? Yeah. Is it? Yeah, isn't it? Yeah, I used to go there.

Where the lady would like. Yeah, it's really, yeah. Lady, yeah. It would make me eight garlic. And where all the flight attendants would go. Yeah, all the flight attendants would go later night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if that's the same story.

There's so many. Yeah, there's a lot. I mean, you know, what parks you go there on Vermont? No. Parks is great. No, it's good. Baek Jong's great. Baek Jong's great.

Late at night. Agashi. Agashi's great. We go there a lot. Do you spit that shit when you're there? What do you mean? Like if it's an authentic Korean joint, do you drop it on them?

Do you still say? Well, I can say like, pop-dugi-juseyo. Pop rice? Yeah, so can we have two rice? I can say, gak-dugi-juseyo. You know what I mean? Stuff like that. How about gak-dugi-juseyo?

Damn it, mother fucker. Do you know how to do all that? No, I only know how to do like sexual stuff. Like what? Like gochu. What's that? Penis. Donkumok, butthole.

Donkumok. Jut is breast. Boji is vagina. Dong is shit. Pangu's fart. Oh, a pangu. And Chinese pigu. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that's all I remember. And then I know gam-doongi, which is the N word. What? What's more, please? Gam-doongi. Gam-doongi? Don't say it like that.

Gam-doongi, don't say it like that. It's uncomfortable. Gam-doongi. Gam-doongi. Big words. All right, the show is Tiger Belly. It is a weekly podcast. You can download it everywhere.

Thanks for having us on. Hi, how's it going? Was this a vice? I thought we had a good time. You did a great job. I thought we had good chemistry. This is great. No, you guys need to come back in.

Yeah, yeah, I think this was good. We should go to Korean dinner. I wouldn't know. Let's be a couple's thing. I think so. Let's do it again. Let's podcast for sure again. Let's give dinner.

And at dinner, I want you to reveal more. Yeah, yeah. Now I feel like I can really learn from you about being kind to your partner. Because I feel like he is such an antagonistic type of person that if I don't come hard or on the offense, he just rains down. Can I tell you something?

That's your dynamic. Yeah, it is. You need to keep that provocation and antagonistic side to your absolutely and give him shit. That is what makes this guy. Look, you guys are happy. But he likes it. Yeah, he likes it.

I feel like if I were to be like a meek librarian, he would have broken up with me four years ago. Absolutely. If I don't crunch his balls on a daily, he will not love me. Makes his day card. Makes his day card. How long have you guys been together? Five years.

Yeah, so that makes her schmackle hard. So it's whatever fucking tickles. I know with him, if I get abrasive and shitty, it's not good for us. The bear likes nice pets and treats and strokes. I take care of my bear that way. See, that's my natural inclination is to be kind and nurturing.

But he doesn't know how to receive that. He won't do it. It's a comic, too. There's a fair amount of ball busting, too. Don't forget, talking about a real meth head here. So. Well, comedians also don't like intimacy. It's very hard for us to trust.

There's no cuddling. There's no beg for it. Check out Tiger Belly. I'm going to plug a couple of things. Yeah, where else? Tiger Belly. I'm on a sitcom called Splitting Up Together 930 ABC. Tuesday nights.

Wonderful. Bobby Lee. And then that's it. You're going to have to hook up to college football games. You know that? What does that mean? Because we'll talk after. OK.

So yeah, Tiger Belly. What's the show called? Splitting Up Together. Splitting Up Together. Thank you for coming. I love it. It's a great time. What a delight.

All right, well, we'll see you guys next week. Thanks for listening. Oh, listen, if I'm fucked up, you've got good pussy. And I beg you, it's $69 you need to ask for a buy. And it's got a wanko. You think I'm going to tap on you, Christine? No. You don't want to pay me to ask for a stay.

I'm just so much like I hate it with that leg. I do my baby. You know what I'm saying? I know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know. I have a vague idea where you're going to be when you're talking. He's motherfuckin' got a sword. OK, Mr. Sword, he got a sword.

Shit, motherfuckin' got a sword. Tellin' at your mom's house, tellin' you better watch out. Pull up, and we'll pop out. Crazy looks, then we'll fuckin' knock out. Real stuff. Tellin' at your mom's house, tellin' you better watch out. You pull up, and we'll pop out. Crazy looks, then we'll fuckin' knock out.

No, sir. Know what I mean, and you know what I'm saying. You ain't say anything yet. Know what I mean, and you know what I'm saying. No, what you sayin'? I don't know what you mean. When you ridein' on bodies, stayin' your own lane. When you see me in the streets, say what's up.

Carrying stuff. Just call up for the phone with the top dog, no block call. These are big words. Big words. It's probably your mom's fault. You want to fuck with my wife? Shit, probably not. Spittin' all the times, and all you other motherfuckers fallin' off.

We rockin' dinner, and we're like, what's up with the jeans? What's with the jeans? We high and tight, you low and loose, and got fucked up seams. Need my pockets deep. Tryin' to stack this cash. Tell my billfolds, won't fold twice as fast as Burke Christia's ass. You can't vocalize, you a local guy, you got vocal fry. When you rappin' on track, like...

Ain't no surprise. With the wax in the pink, I been feelin' like a motherfuckin' rape dad. Put some respect on my name. Word to the Birdman. The Birdman. And I don't need no direction at all. Feelin' like Steven Seagal. They say LinkedIn's helpful, shit.

It ain't been helpful at all. And that's deep, bro. Word to Christina P. You know where I'm at. Write the fuck where I need to be. You know what I'm sayin'? I'm at your mom's house. Tell you daddy better watch out.

Pull up and we'll pop out. Crazy looks at the motherfuckin' knockout. Real stuff. Tellin' at your mom's house. Tell you daddy better watch out. Pull up and we'll pop out. Crazy looks at the motherfuckin' knockout. Know what I'm sayin'?

Know what the hell we do? You ain't say anything yet. Know what I'm meanin'? Know what I'm sayin'? Know what you're sayin'? When you see me in the streets. Say what's up.