Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 452-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: June 13, 2018

Jean and Jean are together with no one else home on this one.  We FINALLY found him - a super creepy guy that is beyond menacing and get this, he's wearing a shirt. It's a first here at YMH.  Plus, the ladies are letting us know that they don't always have a man telling them to write in or say outrageous stuff to us - they do it themselves! AND did Dr Drew call Tom "Bert?" We have dental updates and more! 

she's got tits and she knows how to use her she takes shits and she knows when to do some oh my god she got tits she takes shits this is a sloppy state droopers by Frankie ironically enough it's not ironic it's that you always make fun of my state droopers and it's always floating in the ethers how those milkers doing today oh my god they're so fucking enormous and I'm so heavy I have five and a half more weeks left in this pregnancy and I am ready to be done with it yeah heavy heavy where are you gonna be Jean oh shit okay we're going there already huh it's how we do it

welcome to the show welcome to the show I only have two dates left in this year of 2018 Jew dork titties December 8th I'm doing the Gramercy Theatre there's literally a handful of tickets left you better scoop those up now and I know it sounds like a long time in advance but that's how we roll dudes and November 24th in Man Diego at the House of Blues same story just a few tickets left so that's also Thanksgiving weekend so if you're looking for something to do to get away from your awful family or even if you like them and you want to get away from them and you're in San Diego come see me at the House of Blues tickets

at Christina P on line thank you that is what's up I've got a couple new shows to announce new shows you mean Jew shows Jew shows here we go I'm coming to Wellmont the Wellmont Theatre in Montclair, New Jersey oh November 15th the tickets go on pre-sale on Wednesday June 13th 10 a.m. the code word is CHAMP C-H-A-M-P bullshit and then the general on sale begins Friday that happens yes this week so also adding a show in Orlando at the hard cock live 9 30 the late show the first show is nearly sold out that's November 3rd so if you're in Orlando Florida you didn't get tickets the first time around I'm coming for a

second show November 3rd at the hard rock live and by the way next week I will also announce another new show where else am I gonna be hard shows are now on sale in Fort Myers Florida on sale in Augusta, Georgia West Palm Florida is on sale press balls what else has tickets there's some tickets left in well there was a second show added in Boise Eugene's almost done ball Sacramento Fresno he's this Baker's Field what are you doing all this this is the end of the year yeah October November good Lord all at Tom cigarette comm get your tickets your tickets yeah you take cat tickets your tit gets Jean welcome to this

episode of your mom's house okay it's one of the great palm cast if you're looking for enlightenment this is where academics and some of the world's leading scientists are downloading at this very moment with you to find out what's going on in the worlds of astronomy and medicine and we're very socially active as well politics we talk a lot about that on this show too absolutely you know the current events we got them these are my favorite topics I'd go retarded so I'm home I'm home here now what does he say babe I'm home I'm home me now people are saying yelling at me like it's obviously that he's

saying home me home on and out hold me on out hold me on out yeah home you know yeah whole man out now I'm back in the home home you know home home shit it might be home this is like the Laurel somebody beat me a home you know I still think it's home I'm home here now you know me I mean can we contact this person yeah he's really I'm sure super excited about this very excited he doesn't know what's happening he doesn't know let's get into this show we have so much to do there's a lot to talk about all right here we go oh wait home me on yeah this for some reason just didn't go over good morning everyone sounds

good already dad mouth smells you can tell think so yeah it smells like horror garbage like thief's mouth all right I don't know why that went that way but me and out me and out his mouth looks like it stinks poor guy you know it's not his fault maybe he's gonna say something real sweet you're gonna feel bad I doubt that I highly doubt that good morning everyone I'm at my job site getting ready to start my day and I couldn't be happier about it but what I really rather be doing is coming to your home yeah and combing your grandmother's hair

who is Randy don't bring anyone loving to this you know I'm sorry so where is top teeth I don't know and I also noticed that there weren't so many molars on the side the bottoms either seemed like it was just kind of see I knew it now how did I know just based on the the small narrow row of bottom teeth I saw I was like this guy doesn't have I don't know if like over here and over here there's nothing there it's black two three four five you don't need a lot more than five I know that much those are actually the most useless teeth the ones in the front

bottom row you don't need those for shit it's the molars you really need and those are the ones that fall out the most I feel he's right here though are the scariest yeah this look yeah this guy is like I want to comb your grandmother's hair fuck this might be a whole new lane of and by the way this is also a guy this is who I see as being like hi Christina good morning yeah and then I adore shuts and he's like you comb your hair yet yeah you're like what yeah he's scary doing is coming to your home and combing your grandmother's hair God I like this a lot okay well I do you know why because I know what's about to

happen we're about to have another breakthrough in your mom's house videos this is gonna be a whole new lane for us this it's a lot of pressure on the video so I just I feel it though I am I spidey really are taking I don't know what's coming for people that don't know I mean 98% of the time you know we are seeing this with you it's not like this is prepared I go I know it's well let me tell you why I think this is good the background's terrible again he's in a car is wearing a shirt which is not protocol you know as we think that he's a little too sensible he's got something weird to tell us because he's in a

private enclosure it's yeah it is in the car it's all adding up okay let's let's see you know she needs it comb you know it's gonna make her happy it makes me happy to do it won't you let Mike come to your home and comb that hair out of your grandmother's face I don't know but I was expecting like the next party's like and then I'll smash her fucking skull are coming her eyes I wasn't going there with it but I was going there that's what he wants it he was to come in your grandma's hair he wants to mash it down like give him give her a good boy here she brushes it to the side parts it and he's like I got all my

coming there yeah it's good boy now it's gonna dry the way I like it yeah that's what he really wants to do so it's so scary if you know what's even scarier imagine if this guy is actually let's say just a really nice guy he's like hey was that a funny video I was scared to death I was just terrified like his son was like make a viral video he's like had me as one about combing your grandma's hair and was like no it read really wrong read real scary he has to know he's creepy how about the dog oh shit would you let me come to your home and pet the dog no you know the dog needs it it makes him happy I'm happy to pet

the dog it's a win-win situation let me come to your home and pet that dog how is there not more to this what do you mean that's it that's it no they can't be the whole video that's what I was sent blue band we need more information blue band this can't be everything no yeah says he's living for a pizza hut huh huh I don't know why how is that the whole video it doesn't feel like it's the whole video now there's something nefarious going on here come on blue band he wants to come in your dog's hair you know she needs it calm blue band send me the rest of this fucking video yeah this is not the whole story some

something's going on oh my god this baby's moving so fast this kid does somersaults in me all fucking day he's gonna come out wild gene you better brace yourself oh my god dude who's dancing on my bladder anyways I did my Netflix shoot this last yeah you did great Las Vegas what's what's Las Vegas in our language lost anus lost anus I want to thank everybody that came out to the taping Joey Diaz and I were on the same night with yamanica and I gotta tell you it was fucking chaos I think it was crazy that was pretty wild for people that it was crazy obviously we're not at that show it was in downtown Las Vegas right

on Fremont Street and a bar there normally a musical venue it was called like backstage billiard so it's a proper rock venue yeah but they built a special you know set for the stage yeah and then you know when it went up the great then you are in the wings ready to go no so I'm getting I'm fucking seven months what almost eight months pregnant yeah and I'm standing backstage and there's a music cue some rock song like Jesus cow girl and I don't know what's happening and then in picture to you know obviously there's a couple hundred people there yeah full you know obviously crew for a production backstage it's

like all the producers and all the executives yeah there's video village it's just it's very busy there's a lot going on there's a smoke machine rolling the smoke smoke smoke smoke and there's smoke I'm standing there and I'm waiting for my cue to go out on the stage to do the first show my first set ever of this taping yeah the smoke is going and I noticed that the production person is having trouble opening the door to the stage and like FIFO I watch our dogs and the brilliance of FIFO not so much bitsy but FIF is that when he senses danger you know what that dog does he gets the fuck out of the way yeah

you see his spidey sentence yeah eyebrows actually rain yeah years yes no and I swear to you and I'm not saying this is a bit I did think of FIFO at that moment and I was like oh I think I should get out of the way something tells me something bad is about to happen I swear to God and I moved away because I was like this is dangerous and lo and behold a heavy fucking I don't know seven foot door door wooden door and this poor production lady she's opening it and it falls like just centimeters millimeters from my hand and it falls down and crashes down right where I was just standing and of course everybody's

freaking out and they have to redo it and reset it and then we're all in the back waiting to go up so that was what happened right before I went up and I thought to myself this is really good luck because when I had my first special taping remember that guy that took a shit during my show and then he kept flushing the toilets over and over in Seattle and I had to stop my set and be like is somebody gonna address the toilet flushing yeah this guy's taking a shit during my somebody was shitting in the middle of my show and fucking up sound so I feel as though it's a good omen when something like that happens

and the first tape the first taping went it was good it was great second one was even better and we got we got what we needed so it's gonna be a great show I hope you guys enjoy it and thank you again for coming so we had a good time in Vegas the second show was killer that was the jam yeah thank God for a second thank God they tape two shows every show I feel like every time I tape something a special yeah for sure and you end up you always end up it's funny because you go it's all about the second show you always end up using something from the first show yeah you don't remember at the time but when you

watch the cut you're like oh actually that was how I like it more yeah but the usually I don't know like the vibe and the energy is better on the second show maybe because you shake the shake the nerves off from the first show and then by the second one you're relaxed the audience it's a little bit later in the evening yeah they're a little loose but man that was like I gotta tell you I don't I'm not a huge we're not a huge Vegas couple it's not really our jam speak for yourself but being in that downtown location was just I forgot like I forgot brought back the memories of all we lived in Koreatown downtown adjacent here

being the rampart yeah the rampart division from across the park you see a lot of kickyfooters you don't know what a kickyfooter is it's a somebody who is in a wheelchair but they have the use of their legs and the way that they move the chair around is they kick their kick you know kickyfoot they push and then they back up and sometimes they go forward with their feet and you go oh you just feel like sitting and they're like yeah yeah it's kind of it's not fair to the people that might really need the wheelchair it sure doesn't seem like I remember there's a kickyfoot lady down on 6th Street there yeah and we saw a guy

the bearded lady was not the bearded one no the bearded guy there's a bearded man with pain is beer on yeah but there's this one lady that you still always see but downtown Vegas had a guy kickyfooting across several a whole team of kickyfooters it felt like a whole a whole situation and you know it's just it's not my bag downtown Vegas so we we stayed in a the mark that whole section seems like it's just a parole hearing gathering so there's other courthouses there there should be I mean yeah there are but yeah it's just oh my and the Greyhound stations right there it is a Greyhound station the whole thing

yeah that's what it is but it was nice to kind of reminisce because the early stages of our careers we did a lot of shows down there yeah yeah we should do four Queens I did that yeah and I did the Golden Nugget and yeah you know these Vegas palestation palestation or leans I did the sands before was gone I did the rib before it was hair as hair as that's where the improv is yeah the Trap I did that all them and people know when you do you know you do the road you're typically a most club weekends are Thursday Friday Saturday and then sometimes Sunday Vegas you do Monday through Sunday brutal so you arrive

Monday and you do one show a night until Saturday you two shows Saturday and I really thank God that I don't have the gambling gene oh we don't have the fun gene let's back it up you and I out of all the agents the managers the executives the other comedians on this thing are probably the most antisocial people yeah like we should be fun and we're the least fun yeah I always get we have no fun I remember when the one of the one of the calls I got one time was a hey do you want to do it's one of these festivals you know I would have been like moon tower or one of these festivals and I go well what's the like

what's the deal and they're like well it's not a great offer but it's like a great hang and I go excuse me he's like well you know like all your friends will be there and I was like I don't care my friends are here in LA yeah and they're like well yeah you just be with them in another city and now you party I go I don't fucking party and they're like you don't want to do it no I don't want to do it I want to do like a regular show I don't care if it's a festival involved well because we can go down to the comedy store and see those exact same yeah then my festivals on sunset it's easy yeah I don't need to fly to

do the Thursday night festival or month Montreal yeah to fly across the world no I know none of those things they're like you're gonna hang no no a bed by 10 yeah that's what we did after the taping they're like we're gonna go out now like no I'm exhausted he's exhausted well it's crazy to say to you I mean you're fucking super people still are like you want to go out I'm like no I want to lay down they're like you're going out right yeah you're gonna leave your pregnant wife the phone tell oh my god never seen I had two crazy crazy phone things in two weeks in hotels so in Vegas we're we get back we order too

much food as usual we wind that's our fun yeah that was our celebration ordering too much Chinese dumplings yeah to go to bed so we're like all right you know congratulations big win you know great special finally she goes to bed I go I'm gonna go to bed too I'm tired cuz I flew the day before back from Charlotte then the next day to Vegas I'm tired we lay down it was like on cue the phone which is sitting on the nightstand of this nice hotel goes dial tone the speakerphone goes on so you're like what's that and you just kind of hit it off like okay that was weird a minute later so then I'm like well what's

happy with this phone I just try to like fix it every 45 seconds or so it keeps going on then I try to unplug it it's like sealed yeah into the phone yeah then I call down hey you know how did you call down though I just called I called guest services from another from the other me because there's two phones yeah I guess you how did you I guess you picked the other line or something I guess I don't know I was like oh my god I was so tired so to morning because I had fallen asleep it wasn't right away you know we were both in a dead sleep I got up to piss I came back and then it started doing and I start telling them

I'm like here's what's happening with the phone they're like okay we'll try to get somebody I go no no no no I was like you have to send somebody now I'm going crazy right now and as I'm doing that I hear like I hear shit like crashing like what the fuck and you had man I mean I'm telling you at my full strength like you know I mean I didn't try to violently do it but I was like oh this is not like a regular plug-in like this you know I mean like it's not it wasn't like a regular it's not a regular phone line it was like actually like I don't know sealed in there something yeah Christina managed from the bed seven

and a half months pregnant she just got and like the phone went flying off and I go yeah just set them up so then I take what you did kind of piece it back together and when the guy gets there instead of being like fix it I go well I'm telling you hell hath no fury like a pregnant woman trying to get her two hours of sleep like and that whole ordeal by the way was that was like a 25-minute ordeal of course it kept going up and the rage inside of me I was like dude I fucking I'm exhausted I yanked it as hard as I have no idea what could make a fucking phone do that I don't know do you mean literally I don't know it's

possessed it's dial tone would just come through the speaker like every minute but I at that point I didn't care I was like I'm gonna pay for this phone I'll give you $200 or whatever it is I can't I can't listen to this shit but the best part is as you called down for for room service remember yeah and what did you say oh I ordered and then she's like I go yeah and she goes okay we'll be up in like 30 minutes I go thanks gambling jeans and she and I thought she had already had when she goes like all her gambling jeans that's a good one yeah well because I've been

calling people mommy and jeans like just openly and rampantly zero pushback no and I mean I'm calling you want the analogy sometimes are just to be like why'd you call me mommy I'm like I'm just calling you mommy you know I spent $40 by the way on the slots I was walking through the floor on the slots you did the slots yeah and I what I went up to 65 and I was like you did run I went down there and then my god I took that money I put it in another machine yeah I lost it like five I don't I don't I'm you know I don't really understand the thrill of gambling it's just not I get it but I don't have the like it's either

excited or it doesn't it terrifies me because I know how how hard it is to earn money and I feel like it's the Eastern blocker in me is like no dude I'm not doing this my money down the toilet this is a great dental update I'm excited to tell you that I first of all I thought I was just gross which I am hairy and gross but I also you know I was looking at my mouth guard I think I told our listeners that you know starting to change colors and stuff and I went to the dentist I was like I'm a little embarrassed that my mouth guard looks like it's been kept in someone's asshole for a while now did you say that no he

does not play like that he doesn't have much fun in life you know so but I was like yeah he goes turning colors and stuff I go yeah he goes totally normal I had retainers that would do that too it's natural like plastic changes color over time and I was like oh I just thought it's because I I keep it in my asshole when I travel that it changes color and he goes no so then I was like you know it's still it's just psychological I'm just like it's it's been a few years that I've had it I got a new mold and they sent it motherfucker only the top one molded correctly the bottom tray didn't stay on my teeth so I

went to his office showed it to him because they're like really and then he put the mouth guard in and I could just move my teeth and it would pop out of the bottom he's like oh okay he was like basically like you're not lying it was he really he was like I believe you now I believe you now the poop piles real you know oh he was like yeah sure leaned in he goes yeah sure so that would be the funnest thing that guys ever said no I would have a heart attack anyways they did new molds but then it started to take a while because the first time they sent me that the new mouthguard in like 48 hours so I go okay like here's the new

you know here's the new trays they molded and I'm waiting for it to arrive and finally I call yesterday I go what's going on with the mouthguard gene yeah well the fuck is my mouth and I go it's here and I go we'll set it to me there you know because it didn't fit we want to make sure it fits so now I gotta go in and make sure it fits on my dick right you know the problem is we need to find a dentist closer to us what are we doing it's like a charger in the room yeah I know we're so dumb and I have a referral from a friend of mine in the neighborhood oh really that what's her name yeah yeah because this is ridiculous

we're driving back to our old neighborhood to go all the time it's not okay it's not okay well so when do you go in for the the new the new ones Tuesday it's there so it's there and then going in on Tuesday next week and and hopefully it fits and you can come home with it and have a fresh have a fresh mouth can you do can you also buy a backup one in case FIFO gets a hold of this one like he did the no it's really expensive you can't do like multiples I mean I guess you could but it feels a little wasteful yeah no I hear you you kind of do one at a time mm-hmm but I wish you could buy two at a time so you

don't have to fucking go through this again next time I know the old one though will be my backup now that nasty as yellow the nasty one will be will be back nasty why are you so nasty like I've been just brushing their dicks up against it Duke is there something you can buy like you know how people have dentures and they soak them and Paula and yes there is and I waited too long on the last one yeah can we get that yeah yeah let's just get that I know see that's this that's the one charger thing that's what we're doing we're like what a yellow we cannot turn yellow after a while but there's no solution guess you're just

gonna have to live there's something more startling oh that we need to talk about oh no are you out there we'll put you on blast you know a lot of you know that when it comes to teeth one Christina P is so arrogant so smug absolutely snobby you are a dental elitist without question and you're always like I do this I do that oh I always do this and I always have my floss with me because I do always doing cleaning and oh look how nice my teeth look and they're so nice believe me a lot of people I meet on the road are like what's with her in her snobby with her teeth can I tell you why because I grew up with horrible teeth I

grew up with a huge gap I grew I had to have headgear I had had half of my one tooth my front left tooth knocked out so I've gone through a lot of stuff and I'm busting your tits but like really but there's a reason for I get it but what's tells tell me because you're very close to delivering a child with one of your yeah lovers what many paramours but what is that what has happened all right happens now I'm not I am kind of ashamed of this I'm not proud of myself I am let's put it in perspective I am five weeks away from delivering our son our second child and at night every night I have a lot about so I have a piece of

Ezekiel bread with some delicious no sugar peanut butter it's really a nice treat and then a tree and then a banana and I hate to admit it but I brush my teeth and then I'll eat that snack before I go to bed mm-hmm and I won't brush my teeth on fucking yeah real yeah that is ungod damn real and and sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night and finish because I'll eat half the banana and then I like for in the morning I'll wake up starving and then I'll eat the second half banana and I won't brush my teeth right I mean come on now here's the thing because I've been doing this since like you know second

trimester and I went in to have my teeth looked at for cavities I have no cavities yet knock on wood yeah so it hasn't negatively affected me yet you really have been tempting fate I know and but look once this pregnancy is over I won't be doing that anymore I kind of just chalk it up to being too tired and lazy to do it I know I know so what happens you brush your teeth I see you braged and you floss and you get in bed you kind of pass out yeah wake up and you're like I'm hungry and you have your little snack yeah you have your peaceful and then I don't eat pizza and go to sleep no that's what I did on the

first pregnancy second baby's way better way different it is big news though Jean it is big news well I'm not I'm not proud of it I'm ashamed of myself good and good maybe it'll bring you back down to earth with the rest of us brush our teeth do you want to hear a horrifying don't listener of course this might make you shit yourself oh dear okay hey hitlers today I can finally tell a story it's been about three years in the making my mother has been a dental assistance as I was born as a result I've always taken really good care of my good care of my teeth brushing flossing cleanings at her office four

times a year wow four times four times per year about four years ago her practice merged with another practice to become a very successful business with twice as many employees shortly after the merge I went in for a cleaning with one of the new hygienists she kept complimenting my teeth and saying that the patient she had before me was a nightmare oh she said things like I was chipping what looked like black rocks from between her teeth and the smell was unbearable come to find out after my cleaning was over the tools she used on me were not properly sterilized after patient zero before no whatever

infections this chick had got passed to me no despite my years of stellar dental hygiene what three years and several antibiotics later finally say I'm back to normal the hygienist was quickly let go as well as the assistant responsible for cleaning the equipment between patients my god I'm still traumatized at the thought that 25 years of dental hygiene can all go down the drain oh my god someone else's miscommunication oh my god thanks for the great podcast can't wait to see the degenerates and instant family keep them high and tight p.s. bring back top dog and Charo Michael always I I've never heard isn't that the

most horrific thing that one of those funky dad mouths oh my god affected was clean and then they put those tools in your mouth no how does that even happen in a dental office I don't know maybe because of the size I mean that's just mortifying and now from now on I'm gonna be like are those sterilized I'm gonna ask oh this is gonna this is nightmares for everyone yeah part of the the fun of the show planning psychological nightmare well guys let this be a lesson to you when you go in yeah doesn't hurt nobody yeah it doesn't hurt to ask hey of these tools been sterilized and of course we're gonna go yeah I'm

be like are you sure cuz I had a friend who blah blah blah blah here's another hey mommy's I'm definitely the teeth champ of my relationship just bought my jean champ that's another contest we need to have I just bought my jeans a medical grade stainless steel tongue scraper game changer you would not believe the shit that comes off of your tongue particularly the back end I have a pretty strong strong gag reflex so it's taking some adjustment but if you don't have a scraper try it out try out your breath will smell better and your tongue will look less disgusting and believe it keeping those jeans high and tight maddie

try it out now do you brush your tongue with your toothbrush do I yeah I do that too I've tried the way to go I think so I've tried the plastic ones that you get and it is I think the metals the metals the way to go let's get those that sounds outstanding let's do it let's go ahead and try it out all right jean claudie is asking this question I've got to tell her our nanny dose so somebody wanted to send you this check this out great they have a little clap back terrified oh shit here we go it's not that bad here we go there she is oh how dare you I don't want to read the good forward hey mommy not reading it

Brennan and Taylor here just want to point out that me Taylor the female now bought this shirt the first time it was mentioned also must mention I bought Brennan's rub rub rub shirt as well all my idea female idea so take it Dr. Drew whoa wow they're getting they're getting they're engaged we're getting married very soon congrats congratulations ask if you have any marriage advice yeah don't marry this chick because she's obviously got sociopathic tendencies oh that's that's your she wrote the email though babe oh you guys shouldn't then you're perfect for each other you both psychos if you buy these

shirts together that's your advice anyone that gets a four-stroke shirt he is a disgusting animal no no it's it's the four strokes and the road yeah both both I mean you guys she bought both yeah well you guys are clearly mentally disturbed and you're perfect for each other and there you go the work is done there you go what advice do you have to people marry getting married no I think they already have I mean that they look happy they have it obviously a shared sensibility I know what it is what is it keep making each other laugh you got it don't take yourself too seriously give each other haircuts you like each other

haircuts always you as the man always should cut her hair in style and color her hair you should do her makeup you should do her eyebrows yeah you know you should don't take her for granted that's good don't take each other for granted I would say right the president stay stay where it's always nice to have gratitude so I think it's nice when people say things like just basic you know thank yous you know I mean like you don't just go like yeah of course you fucking made me eggs you know you say thank you I would say try to say thank you you do say thank you and why I think we adore each other I think that's

number one is to stay stay adoring and liking the stuff you liked you know 10 15 years ago it's true and to remember why you you fell in love with that person I you know what I honestly to say the only other thing I would say is don't go camping far camp you know what I would say why because we hate camping well here's what I was gonna say that marry somebody where you guys you people like always what do you have in common no no no it's what you both hate yeah in common that's really what's gonna unite you as a couple is both both of you hate the same stuff for instance Tom and I we don't go out late partying that's really

not our thing we both hate camping yeah we both hate concerts festivals we like stay at home we hate loud environments hate crowds hate crowds hate fucking cunt servers cunt servers yeah Billy Joel our mutual hatred I don't hate Billy Joel I don't know why you're putting that don't you I don't know why you're putting that on me Bruce Springsteen I don't like him we both hate Dylan Bob Dylan he's garbage trash trash I hate him you're really more united by the shit you hate when you're a couple it's true I think things like that too you know message me he's like he's mad at you the Dylan one he was like he's

treasure yeah I know you expect to get those I know with music it's funny because you really people some people treat them the music they love like it's family right you know especially if they've been listening for 15 20 30 years it's like yours it's like saying hey your dad sucks basically yeah you know but yeah you can't expect everyone to like this of course not I think it's funny when someone really gets that yeah about the sounds they like to hear and you having different sounds you like to hear you're gonna fight my sounds are the best okay or teams I don't want to hear fucking oh my god yeah cares the

one I love about sports is when when people attack a professional as they suck like they'll be like LeBron James sucks and you're like it's cool like he sucks like yeah like he's okay I mean we're talking about you know objectively yeah he's a great physical freaks of all you know just you can't you can't accept that it's not him but he sucks he's no good okay oh you know what I would suggest for married people who are newly cohabitating or who have been living together for years buy a cleaning lady get a cleaning lady I think that a lady cleaning lady have a slave in your pantry no I you but yeah I said the

word wrong but get a cleaning lady you got 40 bucks to spare mm-hmm have someone else clean your home we did it when we were the brocus I think it was once a month yeah when you're like all right like this is what it was like a little apartment and I think someone would do it for like 50 bucks it was the best 50 dollars we ever yeah because when they're done you're like oh yeah I'll never keep it like this yeah something about having a clean place it's not something here's what it does it a alleviates the fights between the two of you due to who cleans what in the house right preach preach preach okay I don't yell at you

about your boxer shorts on the floor or the sock you don't yell at me for my sloppiness because someone else fucking picks it yeah plus there's gross shit that you don't want to do you know stains on toilets and on sinks that are just you know I mean like just from being Greg toothpaste and shit builds and then you have to fight over who does the toilets and who and not only that you work 40 hours a week most Americans work a full fucking week yeah why are you spending your weekends scrubbing your toilet unless it's something you really enjoy and a lot of people are you have to do or you have to do but I'm saying if you have

40 but how much how much ever it is in your region yeah save your money I would rather really good lady then go out for fucking dinner that month do you know what I'm saying it's it's way more I don't know I think it's a huge lifesaver personally I think just to spite you apparently the mommies have taken over the Roman the Rogan comment section on his videos and it is like all rub rubs says like they caught why come my brother didn't believe me it's so hard home here now what's up with this is here now people are like are these all bots that are responding to it try it out right now right now right now Peyton

Lafferty take 10 or 12 Benadryl I don't think this is despite me is it I'm just kidding oh oh whole man out whole man out this is hilarious so it's very funny you cannot fuck with the mommies and there's another you cannot lady who mentioned this said hey mommies first want to say that Dr. Drew podcasts are by far my favorites yes his reactions are the best by the way I'm going to do his podcast oh great the which one hashtag for you live he needs to change the title of that I don't know he's like life hashtag you live it dr. Drew like it I gotta talk to him about this I'm not sure what it's called I'm doing it

Thursday I wanted to write in about dr. Drew saying there's always a man behind the woman we get emails about this and that is not always the case I actually submitted a try it out video of my own fruition the day after Tom put his on Instagram because I was so excited but I'm not sure I sent it correctly it was actually me trying to get my friends to do it with me not the other way around I actually find myself intentionally slipping in the words tried out in conversation so I can chuckle to myself I love what you do your podcasts give me laughs even in the darkest moments always keeping it high and tight Sophia Sophia

and might I point out that I pushed back on Drew when he said that and I said that not our listeners I believe that the women that listen to this show are self-starter self-initiators when it came to funny and creating these wacky videos listen if you're a girl and you're listening to this show yeah you're already you're fucking a thousand times cooler than most chicks yeah and you're your fucking head isn't on right you know I'm saying like you're fucked just like I am I'm you know the main mommy and I can say that yeah guys you look fucking good my god sexual and you want to fuck me move in you can move in we

have to fuck me and I need a lot man pretty hot man she's too attractive it's almost serious I got to get this I know well unless or if you want to move in your friend can move with you this is how like a porno starts I feel like she's so pretty she's a model like I'm like scroll for the scroll for the where's the blowjob start this is the setup to the scene and her makeup looks great too fuck me piss on me cheese everyone's getting a boner try it out yeah I don't know so if you guys mean it want to do it and want to live it I'm a hot white trash come dumb let's fuck I'm so around

I think everyone takes a break yeah so if you I don't know if we we got the same goal as the other videos but did a great job you did a great job and please keep sending those videos in at the time you have that idea the four stroke one are we gonna do a four stroke guy next oh yeah we're gonna do four strokes with no neuropathy brother couldn't believe that biggest dig was that's my favorite line is still the neuropathy oh yeah and uh people are with hashtagging that shit on Twitter they're also putting it by the way it's really funny I'll be like I'm gonna be in Fort Myers November 1st get your tickets here and they're like is

there an entrance is there a special entrance if I have neuropathy issue hashtag I can't believe how big his dick was so crazy so crazy he's so I mean yeah his focus in life is fucking before we move on yeah from the marriage topic yeah I want to let everybody know that we were laying in bed last night and I'm laying in my pregnancy pillow so I can't really move a lot so when I want affection from you I have to demand it like a Brussels Grafana come here gimme kisses gimme love and you fucking gave me the laziest air kiss yeah I have ever seen I was watching we were watching and you're

like hey gimme a kiss yeah instead what I did was I I moved my lips to the right side of my face because you're sitting to my right yeah like that turn your head did a side face air kiss I went yeah like that because you were watching a TV show and you didn't even want to turn your head to look at me to air kiss me so you kept your eyes forward on TV and then you you sidekissed yeah that's a lazy you also snapped me out of it because I was actually zoned out on whatever we were watching so as soon as you pointed out how bad that was I did laugh for you didn't yeah that was a lazy shit yeah I can't there you go no

no neuropathy what is this I don't know what the hell this is this message is for Thomas Segura this is Justin Glasson with the competitive water consumption consortium I just wanted to call to let you know that we got your results back from our fair competition your analysis department and to congratulate you on your latest victory as the current water champion unfortunately we did find some performance enhancing salts in your opponent's sample what was her name Christina Pazitsky but I can't talk too much about that right now until the consortium puts out an official statement concerning that issue whatever

before I go I just wanted to add that after you came down here for your analysis we cannot stop talking about how great your presence was I swear I haven't been able to walk into the break room without hearing my co-workers retelling your stories or your jokes you just have such a great and charismatic personality okay we cannot wait to have you back in the future so it's all I got you know best of luck to you in the future champ well done thanks Justin that is such bullshit you know who is this guy he put a much of this no I didn't I swear to you that was just submitted it was Justin Glasson okay Justin Glasson

looks like the sissy of Fremont is back with some oh my god this is a little different speech actually I'm a pussy boy oh right now downtown Vegas in a shithole but I can relocate any place because I get Social Security you know I'm retired I don't look my age of 66 oh 66 I don't look my age of 66 yeah you look 86 fuck man like goddamn Star Wars character which is I guess what the sound he was making when it started wasn't he I don't like it I don't like the pussy boy ladies and you gotta be white cuz I like white white white white and you could be mature like me or well you know not too young actually I'm looking to live in

with you know a white lady we get it you like white ladies I'm ready for you to fuck me up anyway you want to do it you white cunts yeah off me anyway come on you white tramps she has to be dominant you know we got it maybe you want to put me in her clothes all the time and picks me up like a girl but then I don't know why he always resorts to going aggro he's like dress he wants to antagonize them so that they abuse him let's and then if I disobey she can stuff her panties in my mouth and duct tape my mouth and tie me up to what you have I'm gonna to paraphrase dr. Drew oh the trauma yeah yeah he's been through a lot he's he was

a free mind he was right there man yeah we should have hung out with him the pussy boy a free one that's right he can go anywhere though it's a nice thing yeah he is mobile still what do you think about taking him in so disgusting look he's shirtless I don't I love when somebody looks like it goes I don't look my age 66 that's usually like women who will be like I'm actually really well I'm put together pretty well you like I like how you make that judgment on you you're telling me most of the time they look exactly their age or worse yeah like this fucking I tell you it's seldom that somebody doesn't legit look their age

people who don't very seldom never say it in other words like the person who like really looks young goes you wouldn't believe how much younger I looked and I they just they are that you know it's like this guy is terrible like smart people don't go like you want to know how smart I am they don't tell you this guy 66 babe he looks terrible well yeah this is I mean I mean Jesus fucking Christ he's got the smoke detector in the back so that's good the camera is facing from down yes hold it down no shirt so he checks all boxes your mom's house requirements yes for a shitty video some weights on my itty bitty two

instead so yeah if you're the white white white lady that's looking for us is he roommate give me a hour yeah a real crazy person yeah somebody who's equally as sick as he is nobody you know that's fucking out of control did you see this thing that went viral this kid talking shit to this guy at a park some shit this kid call me no this guy did voice call call sister he's just being like confronted by this kid look at the kid though he's fucking straight up on him it's really weird the kid is like up on him I don't know how it started but it

looks like the kid is um he said don't talk about my mom or something hmm I like him good for him see he's put he's touching the guy that's I don't know what he thinks he's doing right now they're actually leaning a grown man and a kid are leaning up against each other how do you think that kid is 12 yeah I gotta know more about what happened here I didn't think it was funny I'll show you the video I mean the screams fine terrible I can't watch a little kid getting hurt I want to see what happens they are my school cars he was I called him they start they start testing because he just kept running around here

and testing me I said you need to tell us to get out of here Sean told him to go and he went down right where he bikes at and turn and drop his bike and bring him back up here and start pushing so who picked this one blue band videos today are fucking crazy what's happening I don't see anything wrong with what the guy did though pushing that kid down on the ground I don't know dude that kid was swinging on him but you have to you have to separate them another adult should have intervened and separated them you don't push a little boy down to the ground he's not a little crying he's

12 babe yeah he needed to be checked you don't push the kid on the concrete he cracked his fucking skull was punching yeah but you're bigger than him aren't there rules to that yeah yeah it's like this is what happens is that kid needs to know see what happens is that kid is gonna learn from this incident that if I go ahead and just punch someone when I'm angry yes they could it could end poorly for me right so you need to be able to you know assess the situation and either restrain yourself from punching when you want to certainly don't think you can punch someone bigger than you and not have repercussions yeah no I

get it look it is I mean he did grab him he shouldn't have pushed him on car I mean first of all it's a lawsuit waiting to happen yeah fucking push a little kid on the floor but you're right this is called this is male thing where you guys have to learn how to size someone that guy did okay like I did my favor I got a pee I'm sorry I'm pregnant I gotta go don't fuck that kid he should have fucked that kid no I said fuck that kid fuck that kid is right are you going to pee all right how was your pee pretty magical I'm so fucking hungry today man it's like I have a person inside it is like that can't stop eating check out

this bullshit what listen to his bullshit this is when Dr. Drew is here oh listen a pregnant lady I take amazing dumps I always tell him is it I don't need to God for me there you have to hear her ask Bert before you she eats yours do you have to what eat her ass Bert you call me Bert that's what they're saying tell me no let's hear it again I don't need to God for me there you have to hear her ask Bert before you she eats yours her ass first he said first you asked her ass first God for me there you have to hear her ask Bert before you ask Bert for just eat her ass Bert oh ass first he's he knows you're saying

he's trying to say first and then said it can't just yeah he asked for her ass Bert before you eat your ass Bert burr but instead it might ask burgers we got to send it to him man yeah it's totally unacceptable totally I'm not gonna go do this show now you gotta you gotta show my clip that's it right there listen burp first you have to hear her ask Bert before you she eats her ass first not bird burp burp that's cute speaking of ass I was getting a massage yesterday yeah and I was holding in so many farts like the whole time like every time sometimes when they give you a

massage and they'll push down like from your mid-back to your lower it's like they're care like they're showing the fart where to go here's your digestive tract well I lay on my side for these but I ain't Mexican food I had like so much food and I was the whole time I'd relax relax and I'd feel the fart come back and then I'd have to clench clench clench clench and then it wait it would wake me up and then it occurred to me wouldn't it be great to find a masseuse that actually encouraged your farts that was like oh yeah right now you got to let that fart out yeah breathe in and push hard like when they whisper yeah

yeah you gotta breathe in you gotta push that fart out and let the fart out and then they're like that's right I'm sure there is there has to be somebody that's like the fart I don't know if I would say I'm sure there is I don't think that that's exactly correct there's no fart masseuse in LA maybe I mean if you put out a request I'm sure someone who likes farts will be like I could massage you but I don't know there's a fart massage there well they the prerequisite is not they have to like the fart but just that they don't make you clench your ass because I feel like I feel like it takes away from the relaxation experience

if I could just let it rip without embarrassment of course how much better would your massage be yeah if you could be if you're like oh here comes a fart and they're like don't worry about it yeah yeah cuz I you don't know if you have a real rancid one or if you have oh mine are horrible right now because I feel like I'm close enough to the lady that we go to all the time I was this close yesterday to being like listen I got a rip one and you cool with it she probably cool but I don't want to blast like you said of course what if we could pay somebody extra I'd be like here's extra money if you just let me

fart the whole time that they would definitely say yes I dare you to do it next time we're at like a nice like place you know what happens if I go if I tip you a little more they're gonna be like no no no wait let me finish my sense do you mind I'll tip you a little more if I can fart the whole time right they're expecting the hand job I just want to find them she's like what should probably go people fart all the time I'm like so do you mind cuz I do feel like that's the one hindrance to me fully relaxing and enjoying yeah if I could just take out that fart barrier but if you have to far far back no no

but I need you to waft it to yourself no I don't need the encouragement what about this guy you think he would let would let you fart while he gives you massage baby I can't take it do you think big black day okay and so very big balls on one horny Christmas night Santa came to play okay he said Chrissy with your bull so tight won't you come ride my pipe tonight and while the others bangs me I didn't even bleed I got the crazy heels on probably yeah he really should show them if he's gonna bother wearing I know that's a quite a outfit what is that it's it's nothing Tom just yeah my my least favorite sexual

genre yeah is the crossing of Christmas the Lord of our birth the birth of our Lord and Savior with sexual or sexualizing Santa I never understood that yeah I fuck Santa or yeah Santa baby that yeah like that's the least it's just it's a child's thing I just so like how come we don't do with the Easter bunny like fucking Easter there probably is I'm sure I know I just really I really don't like the Santa well here I know is there one thing as I know you I know what puts you in a good mood we established this yesterday yeah I know what can make you laugh yeah this is again part of if you're wondering what

makes somebody happy through a marriage it's like knowing their sweet spots there's one thing I know about you you love music yeah you love scatting I love scatting about group scatting rough man well especially cuz it's a group of dorky white kids yeah I know guys you're doing it better than they're they're they're lazily doing it they get like you can hear taps cuz all off rhythm they're doing it lazily though they're not even doing it see you're doing it crisp you're like these kids are terrible at this this is terrible

oh Jesus please let the black kid do it I can't hear these fucking white girls doing this let's get to him because I think they all do a solo let me do I think I might like scat cuz that kid did it let me listen to a little bit of soul it's definitely better than the other people but look at all the kids looking at him like that's how it's done look at him yeah this is embarrassing he got into it don't you feel like like this is something you totally could have fallen into and like elementary school oh maybe elementary school like you just make sounds like with your mouth no but I mean like you

know like if you're like I'm in the choir group I do music group at school and then the music instructor is like we're gonna do this thing called scat and you're like young and you're like yeah what's that well it's like this jazz thing and then next thing you know there's a video of you doing this shit I mean it would not be in at their age no no you tell me like I was six or something yeah yeah I'd say up until sixth grade you could get sucked into doing so not me no no no you think 12 you're like 12 yeah 12 I'd be out out he makes this fucking game yeah definitely I think I could have gotten

roped in at 12 that would be the last year they can make me do something this embarrassing who's singing that was that one was better who's I think it's who's to his right and behind her we can't see who it is wow that one was that was my that was actually the best one yet that was the best one yeah the first few were like now see that that was better because they rehearsed it right this this you know the scat stuff wasn't that was terrible who what if our son's like I just love to scat dad come listen to the scat record oh my god and act like I like this

nonsense fucking hand bone this asshole see now the last time we played hand bone we did a kind of an analysis like who's less talented yeah that guy or the lung infection song guy that's right lung infection guy won by a landslide yeah he killed it now hand bone versus scat who's who's the lesser talent well it's a good question I mean I think I hated a hand bone guy more yeah but I think now that I've spent some time in the scat world I definitely hate them well here's the thing the people in the scat community they seem to be very earnest like there's a very earnest

love of scat hmm but the hand bone guy I still feel like he's he knows that he's put one over on the audience like he's so smug with how he does it of course that's what contributes to why you hate him so much yeah he's like I've worked this fucking course I'm good at this yeah but hand boning my whole life yeah yeah it's not as uh yeah the other ones just seem so innocent compared to him true true what would you rather watch that group scat video or hand bone hand bone hand bone an hour you're buying a ticket you're driving your parking of the two without question I think I could at least get lost in the fact he does

movement and an hour though I know but they were terrible okay would you rather watch an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical or hand bone you got it and here thing the the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical it's hours it's not just one hour it's like two and a half I'm guessing two and a half three hours right um you gotta watch a musical or you gotta watch an hour hand bone hand bone I would take it no I would take the Andrew Lloyd Webber I don't want to see a three hour anything I don't want to see three hours of like the best stand up I don't want to see a three hour movie I don't want to see three

hour anything yeah I really hate going to something that long it's too it's too much it's too much too too much too much um this I know also you'll enjoy this on the way out of the show here we got to wrap up here soon we got to go to that meeting soon yeah yeah this point the information that we have is that there is a male subject who has defecated on himself due to his intoxication level and that uh he's spewing poop all over the house what's your name bud Gary Gary what's going on Gary she thinks I'm too drunk to drive home okay and uh I don't think I am but okay let me ask you this have you used a bathroom on yourself well yes okay well my main thing is

at this point I just want to make sure you don't have any feces on you anywhere oh I clean myself up in the bathroom okay I mean okay sometimes when I have gas right it's a little bit more accident I got you a little I knew you'd love this wait a minute but is it a crime to shit on oneself well let's let's see what happened hang tight right here for me for just a second okay let me go talk to Mindy okay he said he cleaned himself up in here how much he's done it twice oh wow yeah I mean seriously I don't want him around me right okay look at the front of that is this a crime for somebody to miss the toilet it's a private residence he missed it he did miss it look there's it's streaming down the

the first time it's all in my wall all over my wall yeah and maybe bud says poopy underwear today my kitchen I'm like what is wrong a little bit disgusting will you talk to me yes I will you might want to grab your dog I don't want dog to get here oh my god but is this isn't this just like a domestic issue yeah it sounds like it but also it sounds like she's helped like she's like will you talk to him I don't think they're like we're gonna arrest him you know he's a good friend of mine a lady friend and mind or and uh I went to part and it went further in a park yeah yeah she's pretty picky about cleanliness sure yeah she seems like real uptight yeah she's yeah what's wrong with her here's the deal uh here's the deal man this officer's gonna be

nice enough to take you home okay he's gonna take you home let's not try to push your fart out or anything like that in this car okay I don't want you to do what try not to do what to fart out or do anything in the car I want you to make a mess in his car okay that guy just had to tell someone don't fart in this guy's car no that police officer had to tell a civilian like could you not push your farts because you shit when you fart usually leave those in there leave those in there don't open that bag up don't open that up don't hold that in my car we're gonna leave that here and you can come back and get those could you imagine open that bag up whoo it's poor police officer did you imagine getting called out for this fucking nonsense some drunk guy shitting on himself in case he happens to

try to push her fart out on the right home pushes out a little bit more again yeah safe then get all over the seats do you have a blanket right there you're gonna try and do everything you can to stay on that the entire time you were in this car okay no shit yeah god bless the police I mean those are good cops right there no are you serious I'm not being serious those those are nice ones they're like are you kidding me what a gig give this fucking asshole could you imagine I mean look I know the police get a bad rap and stuff but the amount of just nonsense you have to deal with on a daily basis I mean you and I deal with drunk people all the time yeah and you add alcohol to somebody who's already got their wires loose a little bit and it is just like kerosene on the fire

I mean like this guy I'm sure when he's sober it's he probably doesn't do that as much you know no alcohol killer drugs and alcohol man all right which song there's two songs in my folder you want to pick one what we got one's called piss on me by Logan steak one's called you're not an anomaly by we've made this one by Chris Spence that one sounds real smart so let's go with piss on me okay piss on me here it is we'll play the other one next one next week um thanks for listening we got to run we got to go to this thing now try it out we got to try it out love you guys thanks for listening bye jean one two three a lot man a lot man get run free food free rent and everything else

man here's the deal man well man here's the deal man men from jail homeless or um if you're a thug want to come move in your friend can move into you free rent you get a lease and a key fuck me piss on me and beat me i'm on my now i'm on my now you want to see me come over to your day try it out try it out man man if you're in my building oh try it out want to fucking piss on me try it out serious three flies only as fuck man i'm looking for hardcore guys i want to deliver i'm a hot fucking white trash come dumb i'm a hot fucking white trash come dumb let's fuck