Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 455-Kevin Nealon-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 4, 2018

The great Kevin Nealon is in studio with absolutely amazing stories about his rise in the comedy world.  From his days working the bar at The Improv to Carson and SNL, you will not want this one to end.  Kevin is a natural fit with your mothers. Pull your jeans up for a real treat, meow.   

La la la la la Music serious it's uh Who is this Mars lover? by Yoni's Dior Yoni's Dior that's what it says. I like it um Jean

What's going on with you on the road? Uh, november 24th in man Diego, califartna. I'll be doing that house of blues Skate your tickets. Uh, that's something Thanksgiving weekend. What a better time to get out of your goddamn house It's fantastic and go to a show at that point, right? December 8th grammar c-theor. I've added a late show 10 30 Uh tickets are now on regular sale. We did a presale last week that went gangbusters Looks like judor titties is coming out strong For this main mommy and I appreciate that so get those tickets In advance and that's it for now, but we're working on 2019

I'm very excited. There's some big cities coming up. What about you jean jackets 2019 is going to be absolutely bananas For the two of us. We're both doing a bunch of dates. Yeah, I got many to announce soon but not yet There's still some things. Let's see There was a few tickets left and for the bray a weekend in august Friday Friday tickets are available for breast balls beach the west palm beach improv. That's in late august um See september is all sold out october. I have uh

few tickets left at the second show In boise the second show in Eugene, oregon is on sale now And then there's ball sacramento Fresno bakersfield and uh I think that's it. Let's see. Oh filler heard of delphia has a second show Orlando, florida has a second show

And uh jacksonville fart meyers florida jack me off ofville jack fill, you know that and augusta Those are all on sale You know better than that to mecula Tim mesticles At the pachanga resort casino Pachanga sounds like it's a word for pussy. It does Those are all on sale topscure.com. Check them out. Try it out Enjoy it. Have fun

All right Try it out. You know how many emails we get and tweets telling us that they can't even hear the phrase try it out now Oh, yeah, it's just a normal phrase ruined for everybody. It's ruined it for people Try it out. It really makes me happy. Try it out. Try it out Try it out. It's a weird thing to say about that Like come on piss on me. You also can't hear about deals. It's a deal, man It's so weird. Try it out. I mean, I know you've been thinking about it. Why not try it out? Like that's the inference, right? We have um inference inference. How do you say it? Yeah, that's what you're inferring. I don't know

Inference might be inference. This might be another one of those weird foreign things because I was raised by foreigners I don't know if I can say anything. You don't talk English good. Nope Look, let's get serious. A lot of people want to talk silly stuff and You know make light of Unimportant things. This is a little more sophisticated show And I'm kind of sick of the silliness. I want to talk about real issues. Okay. What did you have on your mind? Well, I just you know, let's just have this introduction here

This is from the bbc. Are we changing the format of the show now? Is that a whole show is going to get a lot more serious Political we're going to do politics every week. Absolutely every every week. I went hard-hitting geopolitical international debates I want to talk about comparative economics and I All right, sorry. That's you know, you do what you want to do I'll do what I do. Okay. Okay Here we go and here here you go

Blow me up, Tom. Farts typically have sound All sound has a frequency. What is the frequency of a fart? Find out next Who is right? Don't bring anyone loving to this Well, welcome welcome to your mom's house With Tom Segura Christina You That's

So your your thing is what frequency are your farts I've you know, it's funny because we watched that movie about sounds God, I hated it. Yeah, I know they didn't have one fart in that nobody Look of all the questions call a quiet place quiet place need to be answered. How are they taking shits? They have diarrhea. How are they farting? Those are two biggest. How are they burping John Krasinski? Emily Blunt, which they're married in real life in real life The movie was a big hit. I mean, how are they jerking off? They're not how are they watching porn and masturbating? Nobody none of that was addressed. Yeah, none of it was addressed how loud he comes

Does he make a lot of noise when it comes because you don't know the premise of the movie? It did very well at the box office. It's that there's these crazy aliens out there that Kill anything basically that makes a noise. Yeah, so the world is is an utter chaos and He and his family are living in out in a field somewhere basically in a farmhouse and They you know, if you knock something over you immediately have to hide because These aliens that kill everything are blind, but they have Super hearing so they hear every little noise here every fart

Yeah, every jacket and if he's like they would hear that, you know, that movie was so stressful. Yeah How are they watching this How are porn star shooting scenes I Watch it like this. It's a good movie I'm just stressed out because of the content will stress me out. You were you were super stressed. I was like I tap out I tap out. I can't I can't watch children being I know I This is a lot and like again the big issues of the film were not addressed

That was upsetting but we stayed so we stayed in a hotel We had a baby moon our very last one before this baby jeans comes into town, right? And as usual, we were perusing the porn options in the hotel room because we were you know The one was like daddy loves my big tits. That's right You can tell a lot about the hotel's clientele by what kind of porn they offer in the room a lot of transsexual porn lots of Transsexual stuff, but daddy loves my big tits Daddy loves my big tits and what really kind of upset me with these titles is that

I'm leaving so much money on the table right now. You are because right now I'm nine months pregnant and that is such a lucrative porn Category that I'm not even taking a part of right now. I mean, where's my cut? It's out there It's out there if you're ready to make a move. It seems like the natural money on the table desire for a pregnant woman To have when you're around women a lot nine months you you realize you're like, why aren't you doing porn right now? Seems like what they all want. Yeah, it's an ideal time your body looks great You feel great. You're the top of your game. You are leaving a hundred dollars. Just hundreds sitting out there fifties everywhere Yeah, how much do you think a woman gets for that genre? I don't know. I don't know because I know that

You know without being really keyed into it that that whole business model has taken such a hit because of free You know two sites. Yeah, so it used to be when people made a lot of money, you know First of all, there was born used to be in cinemas and it was you know, I like I said cinema. Yeah, cinema cinema Then you had to go buy videotapes or DVDs. No, so can you imagine eating popcorn? Oh my god watching Going to it is the most so vile disgusting thing ever. How do you sit through the whole whole thing? It's don't you want to be alone when you watch porn? How do you sit through like an hour and change of a movie and not jerk off with each other? Or even if you go like I'm not going to it's like then aren't you just always distracted by other guys drinking?

It had to just been a jerkfest in these theaters and the I'm sorry the cinemas you refer the cinema Yeah, but then then they got paid money because they sold a lot of Videotapes for DVDs put you on the cover and you know, you were you were selling VHS Yeah, yeah, you were selling copies and DVDs, but now with with free I think it's really driven the money down So but I think you're at least making a few hundred bucks for your pregnant porn scene at least and the good news is it's not It's a niche thing. It's not like, you know, but that's why it's even more in demand. I don't know Is it I don't know but the good news is I can't get pregnant again

So I feel like I should be working a lot right now Yeah, this is an ideal time would you do like the airtight the two and you three and you what's airtight again at one in every hole Yeah, I mean, I'm already pregnant. So what's to lose? You know the cool thing is you have something to show the kid to You know, I mean right now you can show your kid that you just stand up pregnant. That's exciting. Not really not compared To three dicks in you and being like you're in there. You're in the scene Yeah, it's a really cool thing that to share with a child. It is and also that would be a good clip and also Who's that that's Natasha? Oh my gosh, can we talk about these two by the way? Yeah, first of all, let's let's

We're jumping all over the first of all Seriously, you really do have to be hard up to do nine month pregnancy porn like you got to be in dire straits Well, or just really committed or smart. Yeah, really committed. I Think that there's a level of commitment there You know kind of reminds me of the CrossFit games. Those those people work out a lot Oh, I see, you know, I follow fit moms of Instagram Mm-hmm, and there's all these lunatic women who are nine months pregnant doing deadlifts. Is that what that's called? We're the yeah, yeah, yeah

Over their bellies and shit and jumping up on boxes. Oh, they're doing like power cleans and power matches. Yeah It's my favorite it's so crazy one of my greatest motivators It's a I know it sounds super sexist. Yeah, I look at it, and I'm like holy shit And I do I do think of it as motivation I know someone will take it the wrong way because this is the era of taking everything social justice warriors Well deal with it. We got a tweet about this. I have found some women That are like workout warriors. Yeah that are like

125 pounds. Yes. Yeah. Yeah that are stronger than me. Sure. So I look at it, and I'm like this chick is out squatting me Out cleaning me like it's out. I look at it. I'm like holy shit. I I mean it sounds like I'm saying, you know This is certain be possible, but I'm really just amazed by it You know, well, I think that I think I feel your amazement, too Yeah, and I see like a tiny chick and you're like, how is she so powerful? I saw Instagram thing I should look it up who it is, but this woman was I mean like looks like she's about five three 125 pounds, I mean totally yoked but throwing around real weight like

Cleaning real weight and I was like, oh my god. I need to get into the gym more. It's amazing, isn't it? She's fucking half my size. It's amazing people are capable of yeah I mean, obviously, I'll never work out to the degree that she works out her whole life is working out But it still was amazingly motivating. Yeah, of course My favorite are the Instagram the fit mom's Instagram, and they'll be like four days postpartum And that totally flat stomach six pack. You're like, are you fucking out of your mind? It's okay. It's just relax you Give yourself a minute. It's a lot

You don't need to go back to the gym right away 20 hours after you had the babies be fat for a minute Well, look, so we're talking about first. Let's think let's finish this. Yeah frequency thing. Okay, so right? So that that whole movie. I don't want to give it away, but they're just trying to find, you know What can defeat these super? Sonic aliens and it got us thinking about Sounds and frequencies is there that's that's what they're dealing with. I mean just try to learn a little bit Try to open your mind and learn a little bit here. Okay, sorry Sorry human farts come in all ranges of sounds. There are popcorn farts, which sound like their name

Typically of the same note. There are also longer farts ones that slide up from one note to the other That's right. That's really interesting. So if you wanted to find the frequency of a fart How would you go about doing that first off? You would need to find out which note you are farting It might be a good idea to record the part then using a piano Or if you're a trained singer you could use your voice to find the note or notes Once you find the note you can then consult this chart to find the corresponding frequency I'm already thinking about how much this video would set Natasha Oh, she did not like farts at all. What is the average fart frequency?

Science has not yet provided the answer to the average fart frequency as of 2015 And while this is a rather unscientifically provided hypothesis the average fart frequency likely ranges in between notes c2 and c6 Or 130.81 and 1046.50 hertz Well, hold on a second. I mean, this is just fascinating information. I don't even know what that means Why would it be important to know the frequency of a fart? Yes Well, there's probably no real reason to know this information other than to entertain yourself or your friends But still this video actually gives you a lesson in sound engineering This is similar to the technique recording engineers use to isolate unwanted sound so they can cancel them out in the mix

By finding the frequency of a tone or in this case a fart One can remove the sound or boost it by finding that frequency in an eq and manipulating it from there Okay, she lost me. I don't know what the fuck she's telling me. Why are we removing frequencies from farts? That sounds like a D minor. Is that the I don't know anything about Chick-a-watch music and frequencies and sounds any of that, but I just feel like king aft ripper would blow away this engineer Yeah, this is bullshit Um, bring in some real farts Bring in some those farts were like children's my our toddler farts like that. Yeah

But back to what you were saying. So we we had Moshe and Natasha in they have a special on netflix The honeymoon tour and they were delightful and we learned so much about them But I think the real carry away and the thing that's been kind of sticking to you and and me Is the fact that they don't fart in front of each other Oh Yeah, I mean a great drop. Yeah um, yeah, I know they uh, they don't Break news years. Wow

Six years of no farts. What are you? Listen, I can't even wrap my brain around something like that. It's crazy. It's really wild I mean, I don't know Here's the thing is like now you can't I mean, I think it's I think in a way the woman leads right because If woman makes it clear to a man No, if you make it clear that it's not accept like really not acceptable where she's made it clear it's not gonna happen Right. Um, then you're only doing that Because you want to really upset that person

I feel like I started that lead in our relationship and then it was completely disregarded It was disregarded, but it was also met with Embracement and joy. I don't know. I don't know about that. I just know that I had wishes I had things established and those wishes were just done away with I waited months three four three four And you put my hand in your lap We were watching tv together sitting in your boxers as usual

Yeah, and you farted on my hand and just started laughing and smiling. Well, I thought that was That was bold. It was bold and it was like it's like why Just sneak one out. Why not just go for it completely? Yeah Well, I think how do you think that's actually what a reaction? Oh, I you break up immediately I think even if you had a kid together, she divorced you. Really? I don't think she's pulling that move. She's not What if he did that move now? That that'll be rounds for termination really. I don't think that would be cool for her

Yeah, because they're they're not even doing the lean over and fart Well, and what's really interesting about their interview is that they don't even announce when they have to take dumps in front of each other No, which I find So, I mean, how do you live with somebody every day day to day and you you just disappear for 15 minutes Fascinated though, because yeah, it also is insight into I don't understand how other I mean, that's first of all It's not we're not talking about three months in this is six years And a baby Yeah, which generally breaks down a lot of those barriers if you've seen a woman give birth you generally

But then you kind of admire it right that that they say that Committed to keeping it. I honestly. Yeah. I mean look, I'm not trying to pass judgment on them. I'm just trying to Understand how you can go without farting She didn't want to talk about that shitting for six years. She's like he eats. Well, it's fine Like let's jump but if he well that makes you fart even more. It's a good point. You eat a lot of veggies I feel like he eats pretty healthy Right Yeah, I feel like he's holding a lot of farts

I mean look my my Next stepmom and dad My stepmom had this policy. There's no farting. Did she ever fart in front of you? Never not and they not in these 17 years I knew her now my dad on the other hand would disregard it from time to time when I was around at least And then we would have a good laugh at the fart and she would get very upset And she would leave and get really really really mad So I think they had that no fart

policy Right I just I what about the sneak outs in the middle of the night? Well, those don't count Those those don't think that those anybody would forgive. That's that's a completely unreasonable, but I'm talking about you're awake You got a fart. I mean god, how many a day are we? Oh my gosh And then what if you ate Korean barbecue? Oh, and you've had kimchi and the farts are just a lot that day So what are you you're holding it in all day? It's got to be very difficult I mean my favorite farts are the ones that wake you up

You wake me up with farts all the time Nice I was just asleep Bar you do it all the time you do it constantly it makes me makes me laugh a lot. I don't know. I mean Again, I'm not judging them. That's totally their decision I'm just trying to wrap my head around how it would be even possible for us. I'm saying yeah I'm really just thinking about us like I don't you know, it can't happen. By the way speaking of your Your porn quest your pregnancy porn. Yeah looks like the mommies are flooding some

Comments in porn hub. There's a comment section there and uh This is like if you keep your jeans high and tight 250 thumbs up here. Oh, wow Um, that's all right. Try it out 92 thumbs up. So jeez. It's like we have a Fanbase here on on porn hub is on porn hub. He should have taken about 10 to 12 Benadryl That stuff makes you hornier than you've ever been in your entire life. Try it out Piss on me beat me try it out. Hey hitlers. I mean these are all What clip is this for they doesn't mention here? I don't know

Maybe it's black guys who like to fuck and fuck good. It's pretty good. Yeah. Oh, oh It's what it looks like. It says it's one of the uh Ball hog videos. Oh, there you go. Yeah, that would make sense Someone said I had to check out the porn hub Ball hog videos horrific Who wants to see someone slurp on balls for 80% of a video? Anyways, it's just want to let you know that the mommies took over the comments. So it is it is on the um The ball hog

I am Peyton Lafferty and a ball hog Lafferty. Yeah before I forget Uh movies we're watching a trailer for that movie mama mia came on for something. Oh for the fuck's sake I know and it's so funny. It's like an all-star cast too. It's fit. I'm sure yeah, meryl Streep share and all these you know But I I can't think of something I'd want to watch less It's pretty fucking terrible I mean and then I got to thinking what are the other horrible movies I could make you watch

So would you rather? Oh my god Yeah, would you rather sit through mama mia and I mean you got to go to theater and really sit down and watch every stupid thing Enjoy all the abba songs Or Chicago He had it coming It's all like the crime that you know with queen latifas in there. It's really hard for me to say

It's really hard for me. Well, we saw a little bit of chicago, but we saw six seconds. It was on tv Right, it's unbearable. Let's turn it out. We threw the tv fucking out the window But I mean they seem terrible. They're both terrible I hate musicals. Oh, so do I and musical movies are even worse I lasted literally the first not even to the completion of the first scene of la la land Because they started singing. Oh, I forwarded through all the songs and that I just like ryan god Hate it. I walked out of the movie about p.t. Barnum. I didn't know that fucking was a musical

That's a musical Yeah, I went to the theater to go see it And then halfway through the first song. I was like, I don't know if I can do this and by the third song I was like, I'm out. I gotta go. I don't like it. I was pregnant. I walked home The cold really like I can't fucking I can't you walked. Yeah, I was in a puta. Was I pregnant? Yeah No, no, I wasn't pregnant then And short lake short lake shitty I mean, how do I pick one of these awful fucking things? I don't know. Here's my mama me as a chick flick

So is chicago. Yeah, but mama me is abba. Do you like abba? I can tolerate it. I guess I think I probably like abba more than the straight up Chicago musical songs for that for that movie. Yeah, those are terrible because those are like traditional A song for a musical story. I could tolerate abba more You know what I don't like about chicago. I'll say the what I did watch of like the queen latifah thing She's like the boss the prison guard who like run stuff. Yeah, it's the repetition of The chorus or whatever like I'm the boss lady. They call me the boss and I'm the boss and I bust you around and like

I fucking heard you saying that like I get it. You're the boss people some people love this Shit the repetition. Well, you know some here's the thing. I the older I get the more I understand that people like all kinds of different things. Yeah, and You know It enrages you sometimes. Yeah, um, what's funny to me Is that they don't the people that love that get mad at you for not loving it? That's the funny part to me because I remember when we talked about Slam poetry and we made fun of that and then people would write in like I love him like so

Go love it. Don't care. Why are you why does it affect you what I like? I'm just telling you what I like I know they get so personally offended. Yeah, it's like these are just opinions of one or two people I like abba's music. I have so you could tolerate that I grew up listening to it because both my parents are euro, you know, they like that stuff So I like fernando. I like I like a lot of the abba songs Then you oh, then that's an easy choice for you, but it's an annoying fucking movie Yeah, annoying It is a good cast though, and I don't want to hear them sing

I know I want to hear abba singing but maryl street pierce rosin collin furth. It's a good. It's a good Yeah, but it's so lame how they incorporate the music into it. You know, yeah So this must have been was this a huge hit when it came out originally the original one Yeah, I think mama mia has been out for a it was a musical for a long time And then they did these movies of it and now there's a sequel. Yeah to the first mama mia. Yeah, she's pregnant She's like this is where my mom got her pussy blasted out right? Yeah Uh, but yeah, it's a lot of us euro trashers love Mama mia

I'm pretty sure my stepmom went to go see it. Yeah, you think so. Yeah Yeah, there was something in the air You like that song Fernando I like Fernando There's no regrets. It's kind of nice, right? Okay Yeah, so much air in my belly. I know this check. Well, you got an email. Yeah, um

Hey, mommy's It's amazing. I was listening to episode 453 about female super burps. Yeah, my girlfriend of three years always burps this way. She doesn't even try She's how it comes out To be honest, this is one of the things that sealed the deal on our relationship early on Such a beautiful eastern european redhead burping loud is super sexy And I've always had super farts. I love spicy foods and have huge farts every day So we had the perfect balance in our relationship

She's 39 weeks pregnant now. Oh my god. Congrats. It's the end of our second trimester. She's had super farts as well Now she's totally dominating me in the gas game and i'm feeling a little jealous She even had a supersonic double pipe classic a few weeks ago. Wow. Congratulations on that more so than the baby What do you suggest I do about this blatant emasculation mommy's? I love the show. Love you both. Keep those jeans high and tight Piss on me and beat me home here now david home here now. Yeah What do you mean emasculation? I think you need to celebrate. No, why why does it have to? Well, because he's feeling what you're doing. He's feeling a little left out. She's trumping him hardcore in this stuff

Yeah, but pregnancy is kind of an unfair advantage in the double pipe classic I would say this david you better celebrate for about another week because it's about to be over So just know that it's temporary, you know, it's almost like she has a cheat code She does have a cheat code Yeah, and once that baby jeans comes out the baby's gonna have more farts than both of you So time to get over it. Yeah, it's um Get over yourself. She's It's it's it's time to uh

Let her know that you know she can enjoy this While at last because it's not gonna last much longer. She's 39 weeks pregnant. She's right there man. She's right at the door That's so funny. Uh, this female your farts will be back And you'll you'll don't you worry. Yeah Um, I love the idea that women are strong in the burp game. Yeah, it's pretty cool This could start a whole gender war now between who's better at burping the men or the women Yeah, the burp challenge. It's pretty quiet pretty crazy I mean sometimes I feel like mine are better than yours and sometimes yours are better than mine

You feel like sometimes Yeah, the fart game is really yours like i'm gonna give that to you. I feel like you dominate But the burp game, you know, here's why your farts are consistent. Yeah Over time i'm i'm more regular Yeah, but sometimes my burp game is strong sometimes yours is it that's true burps kind of go here and there um Another reminder before I forget i've been trying to remind people That new episodes are going on twitch before youtube

So, uh, we will be experimenting a little further down the road with live ones, but for right now YouTube uploads at 11 p.m. Pacific Tuesday evenings Twitch will do 9 p.m. Pacific and it's twitch.tv Slash your mom's house podcast So there is that reminder. Yeah, I mean I don't know what well. I just feel like I feel like Farts kind of go back and forth too Yeah, it all fluctuates. It's all cycles and seasons, you know, yeah

Uh, so we were driving yesterday home And um, I saw somebody walking their dog Shirtless as usual, which I find horrifically disgusting, I don't know I don't know why guys think it's okay to go shirtless if I can't go shirtless. It's kind of unfair. Yeah, true Anyways, I had one of those things Tommy where I've been saying something one way for 42 years What is it and then you pointed out to me? Yeah, like smart and final remember what I was like, dude I don't even know what's in smart and final. I thought it was like office supplies. Like yeah, you're smart, but

All cells are final. I had no idea that smart and final was like a grocery type of store Well, anyway yesterday I go that guy's wearing a sun visor. How fucking lame is that like a sun visor is the fucking Most useless thing because your top of your head is burning And you go it's not a sun visor you dork. It's just called a visor. Yeah, and My fucking head exploded because I'm like my whole life. My parents have called it a sun visor Yeah, and chewing gum. Look at this. I've heard chewing gum my whole life. So I thought everybody calls it chewing gum or sun visor I mean, it might be like what I told you was that it might

technically Have started has started out as people saying a sun visor like in the 70s or something maybe like when it first came Whenever they first designed them. Yeah, but My whole life whenever when someone's referring to that hat, no one says sun It's just like a visor. Are you sure? 100% because both my foreign parents call it a sun visor. Like I said, I thought it made sense A sports visor also called a sun visor or visor cap. There's a type of crownless hat, blah, blah, blah. It's a visor. Yeah, I mean Sun visor. There's a sun visor

But but you're more american than I am and I would take your word over Well, I like I said, I think technically it might be called a sun visor Maybe makes sense right that that was the original name. But if you're talking to people Here you would just say A visor like, you know, you wouldn't you wouldn't say hand me that sun visor. You'd say, oh really? Yeah, you wouldn't say give me a piece of chewing gum. I've been saying that for 40 years and then you're standing out as not being from here. Yeah I mean everybody would know what you meant

Everybody knows what you mean, but they also are like this person just learned english Yeah, it's a visor. Yeah, I've been saying chewing gum and sun visor my whole life until until yesterday sun visor I mean, I've never So but that that's interesting. Yeah, I just never heard I guess I've never been around people who use that word enough right my mother called it a sun visor So I called it a sun visor. This looks like that the the thing for your windshield. They're calling that a sun shade uh-huh But remember when those were popular in the 80s?

Yeah, but see not even that many hats come up here for the first sun visor. Yeah, it's interesting Yeah, that was funny. You did go hey a sun visor. Look at that. Look at that lady walked by It's like you mean a visor They're so lame sun visor so just makes the top of your head hot. It's so dumb. Why would you wear one? I don't know like yeah, if it's hot it implies that the sun's out and cooking your head Yeah, so why would you leave that part of your head uncovered and then Why don't you wear a cap right? Yeah Um, should we pause for a moment because our our guests should be here any moment press pause should we do that?

Yeah, take a quick pause And uh, we'll be right back All right, we're back. We took a quick break and our guest is joining us now He says here. You've done some acting It says it says there. I've done some acting. Yeah, is that is that graffiti? Yes, I have done I have done acting when I first got into stand-up Um, that's all I wanted to do was stand-up comedy, you know, so I was hanging out the improv and stuff and and um One day Mark Lanau who was bud freeman's partner business partner sat down next to me goes. Hey, everything about acting

And I said not really I just kind of you know, I wanted to stand up That's all I want to do Yeah, you don't think about acting because sometimes there'll be a casting agent won't come in and see you in the back room And I want you to come in and do a cold reading for their pilot or whatever. You know, it could be a yeah, you know Good thing. So um, also he taught acting So that was his But I did take up acting and I did a lot of workshops and um, and I was glad I did Yeah, I mean you've made a quite I should probably say your name. It's uh, it's kevin kneeling everybody

Who is uh, who's listening to us? Um, thank you first of all for coming over really appreciated It was easy. I live upstairs. I didn't know you guys You were gonna ever come down I mean, I heard a lot of noise down here I thought there must be people that live down there. Look, it's surreal that you're sitting in front of me Um, because first of all first of all, what the fuck are you taking? Is this how you don't look older? This juice what what's going on? We know I just started drinking orange juice

I never used to drink that much of it because I had a lot of sugar in it I'm trying to cut down on my sugar intake, but And also I used to have oatmeal every morning and that changed about two weeks ago where I now I've switched over to eggs Why is that what why the sudden change? I think I just got tired of uh, the oatmeal Yeah, over and over. Did you flavor it or just plain? Oh, well, I'm I'm the king of oatmeal I'll go back to it too and I'm just taking a little hiatus a little got you we've been we've been on eggs for a while Yeah, I hate him and I hate him. I force myself to what you need to Well, I mean, okay. I even asked you this. I think when I saw you laugh factory

It is this just genetic. This is why you you looked like you did in 1994 Well, I am rotting on the inside. You asked the problem See that makes me happy because it really upsets me that um that you've maintained so well How old are you? I Am 20s. I wish you would guess. Yeah. Wow. Kevin. Guess how I'll let yourself go Do you want to guess? Um, I haven't you're like one of the you look a golfer I can't tell how old you are. I mean your eyes look young. The rest of you looks really really decrepit I'm gonna go ahead and say

40 That's pretty good guess. That is a good guess. I'm 39. I guess older We used to call him the albert pooholes of comedy. Yeah Because you know a lot of the baseball players, especially the dominican guys, um, would lie about their age When the recruiters went down so they'd be like 17 And the scouts would show up and they'd be like i'm 14 And then they would get signed and pooholes was the guy who because 17 was too old. Yeah Yeah, modeling they would because they'd be playing in these like little league teams and then

Then the guy would finally get in the majors and really some of them really start to show their age and they'd be like you're 23 The guy's like no, I'm actually 31, but you know, they just they did whatever it took to get in Well, I think genetically I was kind of lucky because when I was in high school I looked like I was 12 when I graduated if you look at my high school year picture I realized I had no body here. I was so embarrassed because I was so far behind everybody. Yeah And um, and I had I was 5 8 when I graduated high school. I'm 6 4 now What you were 5 8 when you graduated high school 5 8 and I had a lot of baby fat on me and stuff and um And then I just shot up after uh high school, you know, I got a I went to college

I got a job lifeguarding maybe was sitting out in the sun where I just started growing major grow Yeah, but um, you actually graduated high school as what would be considered a short guy 5 8 is yeah average size maybe a little lower I'm not sure what uh, see as a tall person. You don't really think about height You just the only time I think about height is when I see a really tall guy And I think man that guy's tall. Oh, am I that tall? I hope not and I'll stand next to him. Yeah without him knowing Oh, really? Thank god I think I'm like just a hair below freakishly tall

And that's what I hear a lot from people when they first see me. They say, I didn't realize you were this tall I said, I know I just realized it the other day and it's so genuinely upsetting too. It's another thing about it You know, yeah, it's upsetting how tall you are. Yeah, because yeah It's like when you expect to have like a uh, a nice big Corn on the cob and all they have is like a corn dog. Oh man You weren't you didn't have that picture in your hand No, and I see I kind of think if I ever imagined how tall you were because I remember, um, you know My first exposure to you was weekend update

And I don't think you when you're watching that sitting down. Yeah, of course, you don't ever tell But then he's not that big either, you know, I tell people they need to get a bigger tv That way they'll see how tall I am. Yeah, how tall you are. I'm not like five inches tall Where did you grow up? I grew up in canada kid bridgeport, canada kid not proud of it But I heard they just got a new comedy club there of the first comedy club in bridgeport and bridgeport. Yeah Where's bridge factory? It's um, it's about an hour and 15 minutes north of new york city Oh, that's really close long island sound. Yeah, so would you go in there a lot to the city? No I was I was really afraid of new york city

growing up in canada kid because Because it was a big city and there's all these one-way streets and the new yorkers were tough, you know And so I and it was hard to drive in there too Because you had to get on the merit park way and then get over to all these other freeways and stuff and the traffic was going fast And so I didn't go in in that much that really the first time I went in there on school trips You know the museum, but the first time I I you know looked at a comedy club I drove in there and I went to see the catcher rising star

and the comic strip and The improv And it was just I was like a farm boy going into a city, you know, it was just lights and cars everywhere and you know but um But but getting back to the genetic thing. I think that um I really am my body is taking a toll because I played football and rugby and soccer growing up So I have like I got a real hip like three years ago. Did you really? Yeah my right side And uh, my shoulders are like really sore now. I think there's probably arthritis in there

And uh, and then when I pee I get this pain in my back. It's like a kidney stone every pee No, only kind of like after I worked out or did a hike, you know Um, yeah, I have that checked out. Are you guys doctors? I can do this. Okay. I can do it. No, I did have a checked out Yeah, what would they say? Well, again, I'm at that age now where they don't find anything wrong. It's just a muscle They're just like you're dying man. Yeah, you break it down. You're decomposing. Yeah. Yeah No, but I have had kidney stones before And that's not fun. I hear that's really bad. Does the juice help? The juice helps. Yeah, no, um water helps a lot of water

Oh, thankfully, I won't have them. I drink a lot of water. Yeah, Tom drinks brown coffee all day long. Does that help with kidney stones? Coffee actually they say is good for you now, isn't it? Yeah, it's mostly water. That's the thing. Yeah It's a diuretic though. It makes you pee. I thought it was dehydrating. You don't know what that word means. So P now, you know what P means. Yeah, P means but I did get a uh, here's a here's a word you need to familiarize yourself with Okay, and you want to avoid this. Okay. It's called a cystos Cystoscopy, I could really say. What's a cystoscopy? Oh god, it sounds good. It's what you get after you've had a kidney stone It's through the baby. You're a urologist. Yeah, and you don't really know what it is. They say it's not pleasant, but you'll be okay

So yeah, you sit back and they take a You know a tube and they numb your penis and um They didn't have the numbing solution I was there. So I had to sit on it for like a half hour to make it go to sleep Oh my goodness, and then they shoved that thing up there into your bladder. Oh Oh god

Ritual dick cut. Yeah, they got a little ritual dick cut. No. No. Yeah Damn, homie. That's but so anyway, I did that one time and they found nothing up there. So how painful was that? Yeah, you know what it was kind of like, um Even though they numbed it it was still kind of like, uh, I I just stopped short of saying take it out. Take it out Yeah, you know, I had a catheter in one time in the hospital. I was in the hospital and the nurse tripped And it pulled out like And I was like, oh She was like, uh, I'm sorry. I wasn't supposed to happen. I was like don't say anything

Don't tell anybody breathing. So yeah, don't get me fired Gosh, you guys talking about all these painful things. I hope I don't have to experience anything painful Yeah, here's a fun one when I was 23. I had a bump on my neck Yeah, and I went to some doctor back then in bridgeport connecticut And this is when you could smoke in the doctor's office And he was smoking a big cigar and he reaches across his desk And he feels it with his two fingers and he goes, okay, what you have here is a a tumor And when he said tumor that mixed with a cigar smoke

I started to get narrow vision. Yeah, and I was starting to feel faint and he looked and he was talking about it And he saw how I looked and he goes, you all right. You want me to open a window? I said, yeah, please open a window so I said the the the a tumor thing kind of like pushed a button on me right there Yeah, I was 23, of course and he goes, well, I call it a tumor, but it's just fatty tissue It's fatty tissue, but we'll take it out. You know, just do a biopsy. I'm sure it's nothing So I went to the hospital I just got out of college, you know, I'm ready for my whole life. Yeah, and um

And they put me in a room with another guy who would just come out of surgery and they wheel him in And uh, he starts waking up and you know, he's awake and he's uh, You know kind of recovering and like an hour later. I'm going in the next morning for surgery The nurse comes in and says to him Have you uh, have you peed yet? And he goes, no, no, I haven't he goes, okay Well, you're gonna have to pee soon. Otherwise, we're gonna have to catheterize you. Yeah He goes, he says What's catheterized mean? Oh boy. He goes, well, and she told him he said, uh-uh, no

That's not gonna happen. That is there's gonna be a battle in here. I want ginger ale Give me a lot of ginger ale right now. Ginger ale, trays of ginger ale And I'm thinking, oh jeez. Oh my god And then I told him I said, hey, would you do me a favor when I come out of surgery tomorrow? Would you please make sure I drink a lot of ginger ale? Jesus, that's what they do to you after childbirth When I'm my first son the minute that epidural wears off They get around you and they're like you have to pee and if you don't we're gonna put the catheter back in

Oh my god. Well, you push that pee out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah as hard as you can but that epidural is the greatest though, isn't it? It's the best my two drugs. I love it. My wife had one at one centimeter Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. I mean people are usually one centimeter. I'm one centimeter right now. Yeah That's what I said every time I see my doctor I go when do I get the drugs and he goes whenever you want and then like there you go I think the epidural would be uh an epidemic like opioids if it wasn't so difficult to put in with that needle Right dying now and now that would be but you're so grateful for it. I don't even I want to feel what you're feeling that You want to yeah the childbirth or the epidural just the epidural it's it's pretty rad

Yeah, but you just take a nap and stuff and they wake you up and it's kind of push You really got to know what you're doing to give an epidural like when you yeah If you do a home pregnancy, don't let your husband give you the epidural Is that right? Yeah, I've heard I've heard Yeah, it's crazy. How long have you been married? 12 years. Oh, wow And we had a couple in here Last episode and they've been together for six years

And that's not gonna last it's not gonna last at all. They never last those young those youth And we were so surprised to find that they don't fart in front of each other My wife doesn't fart in front of me at least what do you? My son and I We are creative fartists. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. We um, we make it a um entertainment thing You know, like it's like shooting a gun. Oh, yeah Or it's tickling something, you know pulling the finger kind of thing. That's the initial thing, but we've taken it to new heights You know, we will

You know lift the leg up. Yeah, or you know, and whenever I do it when he's with me Yeah, he outside like he'll get really embarrassed. Sure. I look around make sure nobody's looking. I said, buddy, buddy I'm a pro man. I've been doing this for years. No one's around. I love I love the movement. So like I like to do like Thomas go like if I'm in bed, I'll do a kick. I'll kick and I'll do it But yeah, my wife has never farted one time. She let out a squeaker, but now I'm I'm imagining you don't like sit on her and fart But but I mean like if you have some does that to me If you have to fart and your wife's around like do you do you leave the room? No, no, no, but she's from the south

So she's very proper. Ah, where's she from? Nashville. Okay. Yeah. So, um, you know, she's a southern belle. So I try not to kind of do it around her Well, so what do you do you get up and leave the room or what I do is I cut back on the sugar because that's what does it You like sugar, don't you? Of course and I've tried to eliminate it. You can't it's it's uh, I went without it for a long time How long is long because I did it for um Six months ones. Oh, I did a year But you know what happens you uh, congratulations, first of all, yeah You go, oh, well, maybe I'll just have a little piece of that scone. Of course and that's a trigger

And then it opens up the gate. It's like a it's like cocaine. Oh, it it is Someone was telling me that if you had um, if sugar was just Discovered now, they would never prove it because it would be like too addictive I I totally believe that yeah, and the sugar lobby is massive and so powerful. It's an everything It's an everything and it is like it is a Horrific for your system. It does nothing but cancer feeds on it. Yeah, you know, it's horrible It's you see how much people consume it. It's really crazy. Have you here's a great thing to do Go to the movie theater. Yeah, I got a crowded, you know the screen. Yeah, and um

About 10 minutes into the film just walk up in front by the screen and look at the audience They are shoving so much food. Oh, yeah junk into their mouths and I'm I'm one of those people You know, I just you know, and I say the first 10 minutes because everybody plows through their stuff I usually finish my popcorn before the trailers are over. Yeah most people Yeah, like if you get it beforehand at the temptation to just go through it because the $20 popcorn is so good So good A penny counter every time I take a kernel here. There's five cents 25 cents right there

You're running that tab the whole time. Yeah. Yeah. Now speaking of cinema. Yeah, do you remember did? I don't know how long you've been in la for But I remember in like the 80s and the late 70s. There was like the pussycat theater, which they would show pornography in movie theaters Did you go to one like what we're trying like We were talking about was that like basically we were saying how the money has been driven down for The performers and actors because it used to be in cinema and then people would buy Videotapes and DVDs now it's like free on youtube. It's not, you know, really well people are stealing it and just playing it

So did you ever go to cinem like to a movie theater? Was that a common thing to do to see porno? Yeah No, but I remember p. Wee Herman that time. Yeah, you know um No, but I've worked in theaters before and I'm sure you have too where they say, you know This used to be a vaudeville thing. Yeah, the last thing was a porno theater. Yeah, that's true. I modeled it. Yeah, that's true But um, but I will tell you I used to be a bartender at the improv when I first moved out That's so crazy to me too that you're actually one of those Because there's always these stories about it was just the job I got and I was trying to become a stand-up

You know, it wasn't like I was a bartender and then I said, oh, I was frequenting the improv when you were um Let me tell you and then remind me about this story. Yes. Yes. Yeah theater um I was I first night I walked in there. I knew the improv was the place in LA. So I came out here and I got a job Uh, I'd be friend of the bartender and he says hey, we need a bartender for like funding money nights I can get you a job if you want and I've never bartended before So I kind of uh, you know boned up on that I got the boston bartender's guide and I kept it behind the bar I refer to it a lot, you know

But um, the first night I went in there to sit at the bar even I'm to my right I'm looking in the mirror and it's this weird-looking guy and I'm looking at him and it's marty felman Oh, I love marty felman right and then there's a guy sitting next to me We start talking and he tells me he's the original ronald mcdonald Later I find out he wasn't it was bob zamuda and kaufman's kind of right-hand man You know he was just messing with me But I would see everybody come in there as I bartended I would see all these comics I used to watch on the mirf griffin show and mike douglas and the tonight's show and all these

You know like doddie archibald and george miller and you know j leno and letterman and everybody Steve martin called one night said looking for bud freeman. He wasn't in he want to know if you'd come down to a spot I said yes Yes, you're on the phone. Yeah, and then I see you know like and then the the back room was packed with comics that were Had such a charge to them like You know well like any kaufman would come in robin williams would come from morgan mendy with the suspenders on still And um and I hear myself talking about this now and it seems like yesterday. Yeah seems like yesterday all of a sudden we've jettisoned like you know 38 years from then

and um j leno would ride in in his motorcycle um Richard louis packed a lot of these x paths would be in the back room new yorkers, you know And then that place the front bar became a real hangout for a couple of years It was like the dance club depth so hard with the yeah, they did That was so so you know long ago. Yeah, so I mean but But back in the like the early 80s it became like a dance hall, you know, I mean, I remember one night Roy shiner came in with um

um Bob fossey from all that jazz Yeah, you know, I mean the people that timothy leary came in one night Really? Yeah, the people that came in there. It was just that that was a spot That was the spot and I was there at that time, you know and to see that um But yeah, there's just so many well, it's just cool too because you know that You know

You go into any place now There's so many staff that are like, oh, you know, I'm like if you're in going to a comedy club They're like i'm i'm a comic but i'm i'm working here, you know to pay the bills. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and that you know but obviously for the majority of In any field it's not going to work out. It's just the the way that that whole business works, right? Right, you're one of the guys where it really did. It's pretty well Yeah, I got to um, you know when you start off to and stand up you go to as many open mic nights as you can and you watch As much comedy as you can

You know on top of what you watch growing up And then she watched everybody's style and you try to create your own style and get off the one you're emulating You know when I started, you know, I was emulating well I loved Andy Kaufman and Albert Brooks and Steve Martin because they're so different, you know, they're so unique Yeah, you know, you you really couldn't tell where they were going with their bits and you were doing your version of that I was kind of doing my version of it and and I I always like in comics to Like verbal magicians because it's misdirection. You know, you're not really You know, they try to part of the laughter

It's a surprise of what they're about to say, you know because you didn't think about so is that where like the subliminal stuff came from the subliminal stuff interestingly came from I was getting late night spots at the comedy store and Things weren't really working that well and um, but I was making friends At the club and not just comics, but actors would come in And actors I I would recognize from doing bit parts on shows like Laverne and Shirley and Mark and Mindy and happy days

You know back then yeah And there's this one guy Ed Peck would come in and he was this tall guy with a deep voice like that He did but he did low and brow commercials and and he also played a cop character usually on those those Those tv shows and he took a liking to me and um, we went to cantors one night and he said I'm gonna do a thing called tagging Tagging he called it tagging and it was subliminal basically where he would talk to the waitress and insert a subliminal word in there When she wouldn't hear it because he would bury it, you know And but it would be real profane, you know, he'd say like uh, well, let's see honey

I think I'm gonna have a cheeseburger hooker and why don't you also give me some french fries with without your dirty whore So he encouraged me to do it in my act So funny I started doing that in my act. I love it so much. Thanks man. And then when I got to snl al franken kind of um Um associated with subliminal advertising, you know, we thought that would be kind of funny to write up a sketch We're a subliminal advertising guy and you know inserting those words into my conversation to get people to do what I want and it was the first sketch I did an snl And um, you know, it's terrifying enough to go on that show for the first time and do a sketch But this one had like two conversations going on

I remember I was about to go on I'm not sure where it came in the show, but it was my first sketch and maybe only sketch on that show And we're five seconds away coming out of commercial and lauren michael's comes up next to me He puts the arm on my shoulder and he goes, are you sure this is what you want? Oh my god, fuck Yeah, but you know, they it's it's funny the way things people try to make you feel comfortable. Yeah before uh, you know A pressure situation, but getting back to the pussycat theater. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

I was a bartender at the improv I would usually finish up about two in the morning two thirty three o'clock by the time I counted all the money and made the bank receipts out and then I had to drop the money off at the bank And a little canvas bag with a lock on it And I did that one night and I was driving down melrose to my 135 dollar night apartment down by paramount down melrose And in front of me it was kind of foggy out, you know And I see this figure walking down the middle of the street and I was like a closer

I see it's a girl and a white dress and she's staggering and she's crying and her makeup is all running And she's she's a massive dishevel mess And she I can't you know, she's trying to stop my car So I slow down and I put my window down just a little bit, you know, because I don't know What she's all about. Yeah, and she um She's crying and she goes Roll down your window. Roll down your window. So I kind of rolled it down more, you know, and she goes They threw me out of the car. They threw me out of the car. She's bastards

And I said, I'm so sorry. Are you all right? She goes, yes Could you take me to the I think it was a pussy cat theater or was a Kit Kat club? I think it was a strip club Maybe uh-huh and she I said, okay, and she gets in the car big mistake And I I don't know where the Kit Kat theater. There was one on Melrose I thought that's where she wanted to go because I would go buy it all the time going home But she wanted to go to the one on Santa Monica. I guess there was one. Okay, and uh, and we're driving and uh So I get her to the the one on Melrose. I say here you go because no, that's not the one She's drunk, you know, and and she goes I'm Santa

And now I'm thinking oh, this is a mistake. I said, you know what I I'm gonna have to let you out here. She goes, I have a gun And I said where I'm Santa Monica is it exactly But I dropped her off And she kind of fell out of the car and I ran around and picked her up and got on the sidewalk I mean, it would look bad for me like if I'm dropping her off like I was like her job Kicking her out of the car. Yeah. Yeah, and then she blames me. Who is that guy? Yeah But that's so yeah, so when you said the pussycat theater, I thought that maybe that was uh, yeah

See, I remember my mother going on a date with a man to the pussycat theater Like in the 80s. She was single and she went on a date with a guy in my party like taxi like taxi driver Like doesn't he take the lady the night go see a porno? I'm gonna see that movie again. Yeah There's a lot of movies like that. I want to he's like what he's so crazy Took you to a movie but my mom dated this guy for like 10 years after so Obviously, it was a good thing. Yeah, of course. Yeah, I was so out of the stripping I was so influenced by the tagging and subliminal thing. Well, it's so funny in class. I used to be like, um

So if you can we carry the four there of the nipple That and you know, I would say it like that and like just my friend Xamy would like She would never care, you know, and then she'd be like, yes, of course I was like, oh and people would start because they would hear it, you know, but like she she would never pick up on it I love that stuff. Nipple such a funny word. Yeah, that's a great word to use nipple I know like a Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks were talking about or maybe it's Carl Reiner talking about They had to have a number I could some script for maybe the dick van dyke show or something

Your show shows maybe and they were trying to think of what the funniest number was to say And I think I'm not sure what it is, but I think he said 43 is the funniest number 40. I thought that I thought the cus like 660 something is the funniest number I think so, but I'm not sure but they're 40. It sounds like farty. Maybe that's why 43 45 45 is the funniest irish numbers. That's a 45 for sure. Yeah Well, um, tom and I did this thing where when we go through the Starbucks drive-through

We say, um, hey mommy and then you go in your order You can call people mommy like ways or waitresses or anybody and they don't even pick up on it people ended up taking So this is our game was to go like hey mommy and order Starbucks and then at the end go. Thanks jeans. I love you Thanks, thanks jeans. It's like a so we call it to the name. Yeah. Yeah So thanks jeans love you and they're like, all right does 265 at the window And then we started to tell our audience about it And the whole thing was like could you how many because there's so many inside jokes like its own lexicon in this in this show um

That like how many could you get it and people like we played a girl one time who was definitely disturbed And she would uh, she would say hi to hitler before she played before she spoke out. She would vlog to hitler Yeah, that's not a turret thing No, uh, that would be horrible to have that turret syndrome like howler. Yeah This was like that would be a bad one But but anyways people would go in and go like uh, or the n-word That would be yeah. Well, we did have a documentary about that some girl did say that big words We did she would go to summer camp and say that word. Yeah, I'll tell you that you know, I have a real problem with drivers

I cannot resist like doing some screwy character You know when I'm ordering and even if nobody else is in the car, you know, I get in there Let me see The two ice cream cones one chocolate and one vanilla And the medium size. Okay, that's it nothing to drink Okay, so you're saying you have the vanilla and the chocolate and the vanilla two cones two one white one brown And then I'll drive through and they'll hand it to me and I'll go which one is a chocolate Which one is chocolate?

And they'll point it to go. It's this one here. So right here that brown one. Thank you mommy. Thank you mommy It was really the most people start when we started sharing that we did this people started to Make them like record themselves doing it and they would throw in the fucking most insane requests and the thing that stood out to us is that Those drive-through people so many of them are on autopilot. Yeah, no matter what you're saying They're just like yes, sir. Yeah, you got it. Yeah, sure. Yeah. This is uh hitler's order. Here you go Yeah, give it to him. The fries are still hot. Yeah, that's the great thing about starbucks, too

You could write anything on that cup name. Yeah. Oh, yeah I was trying to find that trying to find the high mommy. Thanks. Yeah. Hey mom. Yeah Thanks jeans kind of sounds like it's a regional kind of a thing someone might say like in minnesota or something, you know Thanks jeans Thanks jeans found it. I think this is it Okay, can I get a large cheeseburger meal with uh Frozen coke Uh plus another cheeseburger

Yep, that's it. Thanks jeans. Hi mommy. Hi mommy. Hey mommy. Hey, hey, they're born in mommy. Hey mommy Hey, hey mommy. Hey mommy. Hey, what's your pronoun? Yeah, it's like I'm just glassing Hi mommy, could I get a bite second cheese on a sub came bagel you want to make it a meal? Um, no, thanks. I don't want to be found like Burt. Excuse me one second big round Put that shit down I'm sorry about that. But can you do just a little bit of ice? You know, I'm talking about filming on me Just a little bit of ice

Reels though, can I get a panda bowl with chow mein and then kiss my pussy chicken? Fucking camp, you know what? Let's just make it a meal. I'm sorry. Can we make it a combo? Thanks jeans. Thanks jeans. Right. Thanks jeans. All right. Thank you hitler. All right. Thanks jeans. Thank you hitler That's great. Uh, the kiss my pussy chicken might be I know It's so crazy. That's a good subliminal red. Yeah, it is right. Oh man. That's the best. That's the best. You influence that I mean when we really think about it, you definitely influence that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's fun. Um I was just thinking something with the drive-throughs. Um

Yeah, it's crazy and there's people work all the time. So they're not thinking No, yeah, no, they're just like Yeah, kiss my pussy chicken. Sure kiss my pussy chicken Which is all by the way things that like we have a lady who's in the bank and she She just yells out like I want my money. God damn it. Yeah, and then she goes kiss my pussy Like in wells fargo. So we had that drop that would just play for a while. So people would just oh I remember the original submission. He goes kiss my pussy chicken and she goes kung pao chicken Oh, yeah, right. So they think like that. You must be trying to say this

Kung pao. Yeah So you've you've been working for a while Do you have any advice for johnny depp? And for johnny depp. Yeah. So I don't know if you are um, yeah, I am I'm familiar with what's going on You're you read about that or no, yeah, I think so 650 million dollars. He's earned thus far. He burns through a lot of cash I mean, they said he's nearly broke. He spends in excess of two million a month Wow Yeah

Well, you know when you're at his level and you've had that much money I mean, you know, what's like when you start making money, right? You stop Looking at what things cost especially in a restaurant, you know, when you're just starting out you're like, oh, that's $12 I can get this for $8. I'll have the $8 right or I'll just order off the menu and not do the buffet Right, right, but so I guess at his level. He's it's so long He knows he's made a lot of money and he's just a little bit at a time you start spending left and right It's like compulsive. They said it's like a disorder. Well, what were some of the things you listed like He shot hunter s. Thompson's ashes into the

Yeah, yeah, yeah My friend, you know dana carvey says that his biggest fear in life would be how horrible it would be to be famous and broke Oh, yeah, it's gotta be. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and he's not famous broke, but he that's that was a thing he thought about a lot Yeah, yeah Were you like really when you started to make money? Were you very You know aware like I gotta say I gotta keep this or yeah. Yeah, no because I you know I I grew up in a middle-income household

You know, we weren't poor but we lived in a blue collar like neighborhood and stuff and I went to public schools mostly high school I went to a private school, but um You know, I paid for my own college bought my own first car and stuff So I kind of knew the value of money. I worked in a factory and Yeah, you know wash dishes all those kind of jobs. So I kind of like And that's what I wanted still my kid too. Like I hope he doesn't have to work the crappy jobs I did right, but I want him to know the value of money. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm always kind of aware you are. Yeah

Oh, wait, but being famous and broke that's what being on a reality show is like I was that in the 90s Right, right. I did a show called road rules back when MTV was you know MTV And it was terrible because people would just have access to you and they're like, hey You're the fucking girl from so-and-so and you have no money to like protect or insulate yourself from anybody Yeah, it's kind of like being a reality star. So I still look, you know, I still look at prices and stuff But you know, I don't spend um Crazily, I still you know, I buy things that I like and I want sure

I'm pretty good with the money. It is a man. There's nothing. I don't know if you think about this But the longer you do this and you have like some exposure to some success The more you look at people who've done it for a long time and you're like Man, how do they do that for so long? Like the fact that you've been You know working and and creating stuff for this long. It's amazing to me. It's amazing to me too. You know, I um But the thing is I love doing it. I love what I do. So it's not it's not hard You know, I'm looking for things and just trying to try to stay engaged And I've you know, I've just talked to somebody about this before I know a couple of billionaires

Do you? Yeah and they're you know, like billions of dollars and They are really good with their money. They're not like, you know, they're I won't say they're cheap, but they're very kind of Thrifty, you know, and they know they're not going to just throw away a bunch of money to invest in some film or something You know what I mean? Yeah They know where it's going and that's how they became billionaires. I guess. Oh, yeah. Yeah Well, Johnny Depp would invest like four million and um, so here's a record label. Here's here's some of the spending

Yeah, let's see. Yeah, he lost four. Um, first of all, he paid 5.6 million in late fees to the irs Which he blames the business manager for but the business manager says they were always late because he never had enough cash to pay on time So that because he was ripping through cash So much that they would always be late and have to pay penalties and fees Uh, over 30,000 a month in wine Yeah, about that makes sense. Yeah, he said that was more than that. Don't insult him. Yeah, he said don't insult him Let's see Court documents filed last year. He claimed the actor spent

around 100 million on maintaining his 14 residences which include a 45 acre chateau in the south of france chain of islands in the bahamas Multiple homes in hollywood several penthouse lofts downtown la horse farm In kentucky. He went to sing us singapore and spent 120 000 on suits Well in singapore, really is that the place? Yeah to get the suits. Yeah Get them handmade maybe. Uh, he's collected 70 of vintage guitars. He has

14 um Storage facilities for like hollywood memorabilia here. She's in LA. It's good that he got divorced Yeah, his wife is saving half of his money. Right. He'll have to remarry her later And at least he'll have some kind of a savings. It's 3 million for shet firing the uh, the rocket of uh Uh, what's it called? His ashes into the sky

Which he said that's something he needed to do. Yeah Now he uh depth said it wasn't 3 million. It was actually 5 million. Oh, oh my goodness 200 piece art collection which yeah, I get why you would do that. He apparently spends as much as 200 000 a month just on chartering flights Uh, worth every penny hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to employ a full-time sound engineer to feed him lines during filming Oh 45 cars he bought Uh Yeah

I don't know. It just kind of goes on and on the other the storage facilities. It's like It's hundreds of thousands. Geez Uh, he has a personal doctor I like that. I'd spend money on that million a year Oh, I have to live with you. I do masseuse Yeah, 2 million a year annually for around the clock security for himself and his mother prior to her death I would hire somebody just to remind me of my passwords. Yeah That's a great idea

And let's see. Oh, and a 40 person staff that he Can't I'm homie for more than a 3 million a year. Yeah, so it really is Really crazy that you can rip through that much money. I'm more amazed at how it's got to be crazy to be that attractive And that famous for that long like when he was on 21 jump street. What was he like maybe 18 years old or something? Yeah, and like he's the guy like I had a poster on my wall like a life-size poster of that, dude He's been hot for that long like I know that's gotta be crazy. How are you even normal? Well, I could tell you from my experience. Yeah, tell us. Um, you just got to come out with creative posters. That's the thing

Yeah, that's what it is. It's not that hard. Yeah, just being that hot. You're still hot Yeah, yeah, I'm still hot. I haven't even peaked yet Yeah, how much but like was it a thing an snl to like Translate the fame of it to crushing box all the time like especially in new york like would you guys Just be on a tear because you were on I think everyone has an era Yeah, kind of that they follow the most depending on their age. Yeah, depending on your age because like I couldn't list I couldn't tell you the last 10 casts of that show but I know

The especially the early to mid 90s cast real well because that was the era that I never missed That was must-see tv and when you were on Uh, but you were on with like I couldn't farly sand learn rock and all those guys were on during your era Right, right was chasing tail like a big part of life for you guys Uh, for those guys it was for sandler and and all right and those guys. Yeah, but I was you know, I think um By then I was married. Oh, you were I mean the first couple years. I wasn't married. I was dating jan hooks Yeah for a couple years. Yeah, and then I was dating another girl in LA I'm in new york for like six months and then I got married, you know, so I didn't really have that much

Singular freedom, you know on that show you're the marrying kind. I am. I really am. I like that kind of uh stability Me too. I like monogamy. Yeah. Yeah Um, but Kevin leaves with it. I mean when I met him, he was like just so you know, I'm married Okay All right What what kind of jobs did you have before you were to stand up? Okay, um, right before I moved out here I was a researcher for america's most wanted the television show. Were you yeah, so I was how do you research that?

So they would just give you, um, You know potential you've heard this story before and she's like So they'll give you potential crimes Or crimes and potential suspects Find out more and then you pitch the Um, basically the editor of the show not like editor like a written editor, but you know like the like the

Like the like a newspaper editor style is how we get like a bullpen and we would pitch this guy I guess he was an executive producer. So we would just go like hey, I got this guy. He's a fucking rapist. He's in Costa Rica He he skipped out on bail could be really good. I think it was really dark stuff You know, like I read his whole diary. He's really fucking horrible Yeah, I think we should do this one and then I would you try to make your case for why it would be Uh, a good a good guy to profile I did that for a while. Did you make money on commission? Yeah, it's they got him you get points. Yeah, no, so that was um, that was I don't know

That was but as a like a teenager or your early Oh, I mean I did uh, I I remember I was telling her The other day because they're they're redoing a bathroom here and they're gonna put some tile in nice and I go man when I was uh In in high school my my friend's dad bought these apartments They're like a shitty area and this is in florida south florida In the summer we had to relay tile In all of them with no air conditioning in the summertime. It was fucking brutal, man mosquitoes I did that. Um, I worked at granger the industrial supply place in college

Just doing menial office stuff. Yeah, then when I got out here I was a transcriber for reality shows you transcribe everything someone says. You're a good typist I mean, I'm okay. I don't know. It's fucking Not worth celebrating. Uh, yeah, then I was a post coordinator. Then I worked at a restaurant for a little while um On sunset a place called chibo. I worked there for a little while Then uh chibo or chibo chibo chibo chibo Then I was a site rep which was actually one of the site rep

So let's say you own um, whatever your house and you're like, I want oh, that would be great Uh, uh, you know, I want productions to be able to shoot here. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah So when you do that the company that represents your house Sends a rep to make sure the production doesn't destroy your house because they will I know I know it and like I would I would be working in a fucking Historically protected church and I see a guy like don't don't like nailing into the world. What the fuck are you doing? He's like, we need a hand in this fucking light here. I'm like, dude You can't nail and they would just

Always play stupid and I'd have to run around and like try to tell somebody don't let that guy do that You're like the sag representative. It was horrible. Oh, yeah, there's a there's a house in my neighborhood where they're always shooting commercials there Yeah, I know that thing's got to be just torn up by the horn up But they pay well when you get the real productions in there Yeah, but they also protected a lot. They put a lot of stuff down on the floor They do but but I've worked in homes before other people's homes and you know, yeah, I'm using their bathroom I'm not using the port of potty. No I step over that yellow crime tape thing for sure. Yeah people don't give a fuck man

Now and then it's but the best business is when you own A building it's not necessarily a home, but just a building. Yeah, and it's perfect for shooting for whatever reason Oh my god, they rake it in. Oh, I'm sure now. It's like you just get like a fee like your talent for your building Maybe we could make a lot of money by just building a building that was perfect for a lot of different shoots Why don't we do that? What are we waiting for? Dude, you know has one of those? Sorry to jump in on that. Yeah. Do you know the guy crazy Gideon? Yeah, he owns two buildings in downtown LA that I've shot stuff in and it is that they're like It's a huge building full of different. It's what you're talking about. Sorry. I'm assuming so different scenarios. Like one's like a cop

station It's like a nice hotel. Was it the herald or the the uh, It used to be a newspaper building downtown and then they have building sets in there And then that so yeah, yeah that big that big building down there on a freeway. Yes And so you could you could actually use the the old school newspaper bullpen look Then they built a fake courthouse in there jail cell all these things. I shot a movie called grandma's boy down there Oh, yeah, that building that was part of it Nice, that's where the money is man. What are we waiting for right now? Are we doing this stupid joke shit?

Geez suck wait before I forget. Why aren't we managers? That's the truth. Oh my god I love the manager like it was funny because I went to her taping. She did a Netflix thing a few weeks ago and I show up and I'm like, oh when you're not recording, but you're at one of these things You never feel the stress, you know, like I showed up and she's like she's like, how you know, I'm just going over my stuff I'm like, it's fucking great. Just uh, Enjoy it. You don't have fun start talking like managers Like it'll feel it at all fun out there. Yeah. Yeah, let's just have fun out there be yourself

Can I ask you Kevin? So when you did SNL, you know how I don't know. Where does it hit you when you get nervous? Like, what do you do? Well, here's what mice? Psychology was on that show the first time I did it The year we came out I came out with Phil Hartman and Dana Carvey and Jen Hooks and all those people, yeah and Heavy hitters the show before that also had a good cast but the synergy wasn't there with the writing You know, it was like Robert Downey jr. Anthony Michael Hall. I think Julia Louise Dreyfus

You know, it was a great cast but the the writing wasn't there and the show was plummeting and they're about to cancel it Excuse me. So they brought our cast in That's kind of a last resort. I guess one more chance And so we lived out of our suitcases like every week. We weren't sure if it was getting a cancel or not, you know so we were doing our best And this was a consideration for me. Am I going to like just freak out because of the stress and being on stage? It's SNL, you know So what I did was

Excuse me I I pretended that nobody was watching the show anymore You know, nobody's going to watch it and this is going to be the only show they're going to do then they're going to cancel it So, you know, just go out there and have fun So that was my mindset and I thought the cameras and didn't have film in them You know And and I was used to playing in front of a live audience from stand-up And that audience is not that big there. It's only like 300 people

And so it was kind of fine And then the next day I found out a lot of people watched Yeah Was that um, was there a particular sketch where you realize um, the next day or the next week That oh, this has made me way more famous like because you're walking around and people are well, yeah Um, it was my first sketch subliminal. Oh subliminal. Yeah, I just came out of the gate with that And I wasn't even a cast member. I was a feature player the first year in a writer So, you know, I was walking around with Jan hooks who was amazing, you know sketch player

Impressionist everything. Yeah, I really I mean, she's right up on the top of the list right there for everybody that's been on that show And people weren't recognizing her and I was getting recognized. Wow stand-up We had no experience as a cast, you know, as a you know, a sketch player characters or anything, you know And I was getting recognized. So that kind of was baffling her a little bit So, you knew it was a good sketch then it was it hit a nerve and and people thought it was funny Was fever pitch of fame from that doing like the uh, well, obviously weekend updates got to make you Your people's faces that came later for me though. I had done like I had done Five years at that point. Okay without doing weekend update. Oh, okay

I did weekend update for three years and then a year not doing it but um, it was interesting to watch the um The evolution of being recognized, you know, sure because I had done like the tonight show and letterman and stuff as a stand-up So I had some recognition but with Carson. Yeah, when I got an SNL though, it was like, um It just took off especially in New York City, you know, you kind of felt like the mayor But you know, it went from this like, uh Uh, hey, you that dude from mbc Hey, did I do it you got dude from mbc, right? Yeah, and the next week a uh

Hey, you frowns and haunts you guys are haunts and frowns. That's haunts and frowns. I'm just standing there alone Hey, you're haunts and frowns and then it's uh, hey kevin nielsen Yeah, that's an L and then it was kevin nielsen, you know, and now it's back the other way But haunts and frowns was a oh my god I mean, we did it on the schoolyard haunts and frowns A lot of people in halloween costumes and stuff dude. It was like astronauts were doing it in the space shuttle That is the era where when we would go to school on monday, you know, it would be people would be reciting sketches Yeah, well that sketch in particular was like

And that's exactly why When I was in week and update people I realized didn't like to write for week and update the the writers didn't like to write Specifically for week and update because it wasn't a glorifying job like on monday. Nobody was talking about hey Do you hear about that? Do you hear that bush joke or whatever that clinton joke? You know they and so they had enticed them to come write jokes for me They would put out a breakfast spread like a buffet and the writer's wing On saturday morning and they have newspapers all over the big writers table and you know And ap photos because there's no google back then, you know

so um I feel by the way that it's super intimidating of all the things to do week and update it is it really is a lot of pressure Right is a lot of pressure But people would come up, you know a few writers would come up the newer writers would come up Who weren't that good and then some of the other writers like al frank would always come because he was such a political junkie, you know and um And norm mcdonnell would come up, but he would come up just have breakfast and read the paper And then so I had to like hire people outside the show to fax me in jokes

And I would pay them out of my own pocket Wow, yeah, I mean it was important to me to do well on week and update And uh, and then I write my own jokes too, but you couldn't you really couldn't start looking to write material until Friday night maybe after the late night talk shows were done, you know, because they're they're covering everything So saturday morning, it's like you wake up and you get like five papers And you start looking through them and you start writing jokes and You know and hope that the writers come up with something now Did it because you were busy with week and update would that buy you the freedom to not have to do like if you're like

No, I was also writing sketches for myself Amen, yeah, and I was in other sketches dentists did a great job Miller on week and update did I think for seven years and he was fantastic But he wasn't really in a lot of sketches. He could focus on that I was juggling, you know, I wasn't my full focus And I was working with herb sergeant who was a segment producer of that show and he was up in the 70s, you know And um, and I would meet with him like in between The dress rehearsal show in a live show and go over the jokes that worked and didn't work

And you know, and then I had to get back down to like working on my sketch and and so I go back out to week and update during the live show and Some of the jokes that we had talked about losing were still in there because he didn't because either he wrote them or he liked them and And I didn't really Realize it until the next morning. I'm laying in bed kind of going over everything, you know, I'm thinking that joke wasn't supposed to me So he knew that I was not focused and he could do kind of wow Sometimes not all the time, but yeah, sometimes he would do that. Yeah. Yeah. So it was um, but it was fun. I loved it. I loved um

Saturday nights were just they went so fast, you know, and I always avoided like the parties at the after parties You did? Yeah at first they were fun But then it became more of just a thing for your guests to go to Oh, I got you because you were exhausted from working And you didn't want to be out until like five in the morning because they must be right? Yeah, they must be till late last week Oh, yeah, because you know, you don't get there until after the show and the show ends at one o'clock And by the time you're cleaning up and everything getting the limo's we each had our own limo

It would take us to this different restaurant each night each saturday And then you know because that was a big deal for your friends that were in the guests were the biggest problem on that show You worried about them getting their seats when you should have been focusing on your sketch or whatever You worried did they get in okay? Are they okay? You're okay? You okay? Good. Good. Okay. Yeah I'm gonna meet you down by the limo afterwards. Okay. Okay. We're gonna go to the party. It's so annoying Yeah, and then the parties weren't even really parties I mean they were fun But you know it was at a restaurant and you'd go there

You sit at your own table with your guests and they're next we're crane the whole night looking, um, you know At celebrities and then you pay the bill for everybody And then you get home at like four in the morning and then you you're wasted on sunday. You're only free day Yeah, that's what i'm always curious about with so it sunday is your one down day and yeah, you just You must just collapse on a sunday, right? Like do you even get out of bed? I get out of bed. Yeah, because um because I I love that it's a free day And I want to don't want to waste it, you know, but i'm exhausted, you know And the next thing you know, it's monday

Evening in your meeting with the next house for the new show the next week exhausting schedule It is but it was great. I had fun. You know, I was young at the time and I could I could handle it Did you have a lee's favorite? Uh, guest that you don't mind. I didn't like any of them really Um, not really everybody was really on their best behavior people asked me that who was the worst host But everybody is terrified and so they're on their best behavior, right? And they want to be your friends So they're making friends

It's like you were like, you know in the battle somewhere with somebody you want to hey watch out for my back That must be so intimate to walk in and they're like you're doing snl this week Oh, I know Especially the actors that weren't used to live performing sure like the film actors. Yeah, they were terrified some of them And um, I felt for them But the first one I did was with Sigourney weaver the very first one first one and um And I remember it's such a hard week. It's so much work because you know, you're putting everything into it

You want to you know, it's like your last show you're ever going to do And I remember at the end of the week she was saying goodbye to everybody and I thought wow She gets to go on with her life and do other things. Yeah, I'm staying here. Yeah another week like that Nine nine years of those nine nine years Yeah, Maron Maron Yeah, yeah, but you know when I see those people that hosted Every one of them from those nine years even some of the musicians

We're like best buddies. It's like they they remember and they tell you because it was such a moment for them. Sure, you know a bonding Um, I'm just everybody that's been on that show. It's like a lifelong friend. Where before I forget you're going to san francisco I'm going to cobs in san francisco. Wait, is it this week this weekend? So how was san francisco last week? Um, I'll be at the helium Funny, I'll be at the helium. Uh, what's it called? Helium comedy club. We're really Portland, I'll be at the helium comedy club in philadelphia. Philly. That's a great one. Yeah When is that that is going to be I can pull it up. You could edit this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Let me see

Kevin here's it's kevin nielsen It's the guy from s from snl and bc and bc. Yeah Let me see. He's gonna be there august 9th 10th and 11th um That's kevin. This is you right? Yeah. Yeah, kevin nielsen. Uh, I said 11th and then In an apple. It's the next day. Yeah rams head on stage. What's that? Yes, sir. It's a theater. It's really nice

They have one on key west too. Check you out. Check it out, right? Yeah Um Before I forget though, you have to tell us about karson And what that was like. Oh, I feel like it's comics. We got gypped on the late night We didn't get to do anything. Well, when I first started doing stand-up Johnny karson was the game in town, you know, he was really the only late night talk show and that's what you you know

Wanted to do And that's like passing your bar exam as a lawyer, you know for a comic So everybody wanted to get on tonight's show with johnny and it was getting near the end of his run So I was you know, everybody's getting a little desperate, you know, they wanted to get in there At least when I came on the scene And so jim mccally was a talent coordinator at the time and he would come into the clubs He'd be around the clubs, you know, watch him different people whenever he was in the room It was a heightened um anxiety

Because the comics knew that he was there and some people would cancel because they didn't want him to see him Wow, or some would want try to get on so they could see him And I think I auditioned maybe twice for him or I didn't make it and I was so nervous I'd only been doing stand-up for you know, four or five years And I had sweat running down the back of my legs. I was so nervous and I I never could pass the audition for the tonight show And wait, did he give you notes? Was it was he that kind of a guy that sometimes he did sometimes he did Uh, some he didn't really for me though But I remember at the improv at the time if you were on the tonight show

Everybody would be in the club that night and they'd be watching it on the tv over the bar You know, it's just the one tv and the room would get quiet You know, he'd bring out the comic who would be working at the improv, you know, it was a regular And the comic would come out and people would just be cheering and they'd be applauding. Wow. So I auditioned again for him, but it was for another show. It's for the Mike Nesma show the guy from the monkeys You know the band He was a producer and I thought well this time and it was jim mccully the same talent coordinator Was casting for the Mike Nesma show and also the tonight show

So I thought I'm going to do the material. I think makes me laugh For the Mike Nesma show. Yeah, and I don't care about jim mccully at this night show And I get a call from the next day saying good news and bad news The bad news is we don't think you're right for the Mike Nesma show But we loved your set and we'd love for you to do the tonight show with johnny cars And I almost dropped the phone. Really? Can you do it on monday? This is friday And I was going on my way to houston to do a comedy club there that weekend. Oh, shit So, you know, you gotta do five minutes. So I would do my five minutes like in front of my real set

and All I would do 24 seven for those three days was go over my act. Oh, yeah Over and I could be talking to you now. You think I'm listening to you. Yeah, I'm nodding. I'm going over my act in my head Yeah, and I had been to tonight show a lot of times when I first came out to la I would go there because the tickets were free and I knew the I knew the routine you go to the guest relations building They give you a ticket and you come back at you know, 330 You get in line and I was like watching a vegas show

I mean I I saw so many people that I knew exactly what the format was I knew that fred the corvette a producer would come out and talk to the audience doc severson would come out You know, I knew the the song the band played johnny would come out say a quick high and then they start the show So I knew exactly what I was getting into so smart of you to do that. So you weren't nervous for as nervous Yeah, as nervous maybe but um so Monday rolls along and I I I am on my way. I'm driving out to the tonight show I can't believe it and I park and I see johnny's car parked in a spot there right by the entrance

I walk by it And my heart's just like beaten like crazy and I go to my dressing room and um I get into my My you know my suit my jacket and tie And I go into makeup and johnny stops in real quick and he wishes me good luck And I can't believe it. That was johnny karson and and now jimma culley's there the talent coordinator and I'm behind the curtain I know the band is playing I know every member of that band because I watched them so many times and they're coming back from commercial about to bring me out And johnny introduces me

And the curtain opens up and they're applauding and I go blank I can't think of the opening line at all. I don't remember any material And I'm walking out and I know the floor's shiny black, you know, and the band is finished and you know, there's still saliva dripping out of the trombone players instrument and um And they're applauding still and I'm standing on my mark and the last clap ends and it came back to me And I started doing my act and I started getting laughs Laughs applaud breaks, you know laughs and I hear johnny laughing at ed mcman back there over my shoulder I don't look though because that's not cool

And um and I'm thinking of myself as I'm doing my act. I'm on the tonight show I'm doing the tonight show and I know my material so well, you know by rote I don't even think about it. Yeah, I'm just doing it and I'm thinking I'm on the tonight show I'm on the tonight show And it ends and they applauded and it and it was supposed to be five minutes But because there's so much applaud breaks and it went like eight minutes I get behind the curtain johnny gave me the you know the signal a great job and I go behind the curtain And I'm thinking I did the tonight show and jimma collies back there all smiles. He's did you great you did great happy

I think johnny's don't go away johnny. I think wants to talk to you Because it went a little long and then on time for the last guest So he wants you to come out to the panel And he goes what can we talk about and I felt like saying get out of my way johnny wants to talk to me You know, I don't need to do anymore. Yeah, but he goes. Oh don't worry about it. You got plenty of stuff So I went out there and had extra stuff that I hadn't talked about And it was like I was like in heaven. I never had experiences before Nothing like that even with snl and weeds any of those shows and I'm sitting there and I'm do he's setting me up perfectly without even having any

You know Questions they just fell into place. That's how great he was and I remember him throwing his head back laughing a little smoke Still coming out from a cigarette from the break, you know And for 30 years of smoking, you know, and I got off of the show And I was floating I felt like I was injected with some kind of Drug that has never been like experienced before and it was a natural high. I've never had that again, but You know, and I went home or to my friend's house So I used to write with and we just waited and we just

We sat there with smiles on our face, you know, just smiles smiles and then it aired And I watched it with a pillow in front of my head But I knew everybody was at the improv watching like I used to watch everybody else Yeah, and I still have the answering machine tape from my answering machine All the comics that called afterwards And all the people that kind of got in touch Dude, you got home run. You got the couch. You got applause breaks Not only that I started dating the girl that I bumped the actress on after me. Really? Yes

For six months we dated It was like a home run in every way. That's so but yeah, never kind of like you took me on such an emotional I know I totally totally feel it. It was like I said to this day. It was the highlight of my career I thought literally for a for a moment. You were about to say and I couldn't remember and then I couldn't do stand-up The fuck are you doing I was so scared that you but you know at that time you didn't even have like bullet points on a cue card Next to which they let you do now. You don't even oh, they didn't even give you cue cards for your acts No, you you just and I had I didn't even have my notes in my pocket. You know, I was just

Going I was saying this the uh One of the times I did stand up on I think it was on cone and maybe the first time When I was behind the curtain, I go how much time do I have? And I meant before I they bring me out So the guy. Oh, no. Yeah, the guy goes. No, he goes. He wants to know how much time he has and I see him radio And he goes you have like five minutes And I'm like, all right So I'm like, I have five I have five minutes to stand here and contemplate. I was starting to get like

You know anxiety Five minutes and then I just hear like And he's like ladies and gentlemen my next guest and I was like, hey motherfucker. You just said five minutes He's like, no, you're right now right now But it was like it threw me into Walking out with like a panic, you know, but it was okay Because I don't know. I was able to just kind of regroup but I remember thinking like I have five minutes to stand here And have that ruined like 10 seconds later. That's a surprise. I thought it was gonna go the other way

How much time do I have? You got two minutes? Oh two minutes. I thought they said five. Oh my god And then you cut it short I could did a minute and a half That would have been horrible I'm so envious of you though to have that because that really is like the that was it to get Carson into the couch and to It was to make it through that hoop was like

It was such a great thrill for me. And I don't know how many times I did that show And some people know exactly like Tom Drieson. They know exactly what the tonight show Yeah, and I don't know how many times I did it and I I did it with a lot of guests the host too. And I think I think he stopped having me on his show After one of my appearances there because I didn't know he had a DUI You know, yeah, and I came out was around the holidays I said my opening joke was I'm getting ready for the holidays. I don't know about you, but I'm getting ready for the holidays I've been doing a lot of drinking and driving

you know and I finished my set and then Now there would be by the way a think piece about Yeah, yeah, but Jim McCulley the coordinator calls me goes. Um, I the opening joke, um, we didn't go over that I said, oh, oh, yeah, I believe me. I know I don't throw anything in at the last minute That was part of the set He goes, yeah, that was you know, because I when I watched it

They they garbled it all up. They did. Yeah, my opening joke. It says, I don't know about you guys, but I'm getting ready for the holidays I've been doing a lot of liberal. I'll do it out. What I thought. What was that? And and then I find out that Johnny had a DUI and you know, there's a lot of problems with that and and I and I don't Specifically remember but I that may have been my last time on the tonight show He was I mean, they there was a number of stories about How you don't cross him he would like Joan reverence in any way it perceived Yeah, believe me had I known he had a DUI. I never would have done that, you know, but But I don't even like I cringe when I think about the conversation he might have had with

McCulley afterwards, you know, my idol like say the hell was that all about, you know, right? Well, look speaking of smiles I got a fucking Uh, we're kind of obsessed with dental care. Yeah, you have a very nice smile. Thank you. I know that you know that already I know it because I've been in the dentist chair for half of my life. Really? Yeah, really? Tell us the dental stuff. Oh I've had, you know, when I my teeth came in when I was eight I fell on a you know, a pavement and I broke them both

I got all brown. Oh, so I've had like, you know crowns on the front really, you know, yeah So that and uh, you know, I've had Six root canals six to implants last year. God. Yeah. Yeah. So I've been in the dentist chair a lot Wait, where which teeth were root canal? Does it molars back mostly molars in the back? And then one of the front ones because I killed it, you know, I died died so these two are fake Well, the the crowns the crowns. Yeah, those are little nubs underneath them. Yeah. Yeah, really good I remember when you got your they nubbed you down remember

Yeah, I got nubs too these front two are veneers because I knocked out half of this one as a kid I know it's pain in the ass when you knock out your teeth for the rest of your life You have to replace them or deal with them parents or my mother's oh, I would have freaked, you know When your kid knocks out his teeth as soon as he has them Yeah, yeah, so I've been in a lot of dentist chairs I've had a lot of nova came to my In fact, when I went to audition for uh, man with a plan the show I'm on now with math Leblanc That chemistry room. I was at the dentist that morning. I was at that with you by the way. Were you really?

Yeah, I was at the um, like when they first were seeing people I came in like at the end when they you know, but when they were first. Yeah when they were first seeing people I'm saying I remember I parked next to you and I didn't really know you and I was going to a reading Oh, I saw you. I remember you. Yeah, it was a while ago. You had a bigger beard at the time. I think yeah Yeah, yeah, I'm trying a bigger body too, but I remember because I ran into um I definitely remember you because I mean I remember one of the three arts guys remember was walking around I remember he was talking to me and then he was like, oh, Kevin. Yeah But my mouth was all numb with nova came at that thing

Yeah, because they had more work they had to do than they thought and I barely got there in time I was like zipping over Laurel Canyon trying to learn my lines And I go in and uh, and I read with uh, you know in the side room with matt Leblanc He comes in and you want to read the lines a little bit and say yeah And uh, my mouth is all like I couldn't can't move this side. I'm just trying to do my best, you know And and then he said lady told me later you went going to the producers and he said uh, they said, how was he? He was you know, he's pretty good his time. He's good, but you know, I think he might have had a stroke No, that's not true

But it was like kind of really numb, but I do remember seeing you there. I wasn't but I remember thinking man. I hope I hope he uh I hope he has a good audition You know because I really I feel for anybody who's going in for an audition because I know how how stressful it is Oh stressful. Well, I mean you must have had a good audition because you got the part, right? So yeah, I did get the part now that I think about it. Yeah But you worked out you worked out. Um, do you floss? Yeah, I do Yeah, I we're about to uh, pick do you do the water pick thing too? I don't do the water pick because we just got a bidet toilet seat

And that shoots up some nice streams of water But I do floss but somebody my friend, you know, who uh Likes to kind of like give me information to debunk what I'm doing Yeah, he says I just read a report where they say flossing doesn't help. Oh bullshit. Yeah, that's gotta be Even if it doesn't help it gets the food out from between your teeth It can get old and smelly. Yeah, because I don't brush. I just floss. Yeah, there you go Now wait a minute how we're big fans of the built-in bidets How how happy are you with it? Well, I got it from my uh wife for her birthday

Which is a lot better than the port of john I got her from others day before she did not like that No, no, no, she was insulted But um, loves it. She loves it. I don't use it that much What? Oh my gosh Because I used the office the bathroom in my office But uh, I did sit on it a few times. I love the heated uh seat heated seats. Nice But it's got a mind of its own. It's going up and down all night long And there's water fizzling out and stuff and and sometimes when I'm going to the bathroom the seat will go down automatically

And I got to hold it up, you know But it's a great, uh, it's a great machine It's got a lot of different speeds. I don't know if yours has the speeds that we have We have different speeds. We have a few we have a toto washlet 350e and then this company bio bidet sent us one Uh, uh, really a washlet here. Yeah, well ours is uh black and decker. So our highest speed is fracking Yeah, you can fracking in hydro jet cleaning. I mean and fire hydrant and nothing says romance Your wife must be like, wow, he's really yeah, so, you know, we when our guests come over we don't tell them And all of a sudden they got water shooting up their ass. Yeah, it's nice. Yeah, I love it

I put on high pressure. Yeah, but you know, nobody comes out of the bathroom. They're in there for hours Our water bill has really gone up as it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but those are a great invention They really are I recommend it for anybody. Yeah, wash the chocolate away save money in toilet paper Yeah, for sure that too anything else gene I don't think so Um, we had a lot of fun. We had some good memories from this show. This was great, man Yeah, I would love for you to come back again and do it again

Not oh, I think we lost that would be great. No, I would love it. I would love it Do you ever travel like to the show traveling we did years ago now? It's just like closer to my house Yeah, we do that. Yeah Do you want to do at your house? But do you ever do it at a comedy club? We have yeah, and that wasn't satisfying or it's fun It's fun. It's just um, I don't know. I just feels like then you get a card everything over there, right? Yeah, we got to bring like computers and have sound checks and I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, I just like the studio. Yeah, why why leave it's more fun this way. I like it too Yeah, I'll definitely come back. This was fun. Oh good. Thanks. Um

Kevin Nealon, you can see him at helium comedy club in philadelphia this august And uh, you can see him on where's it last man standing? Uh, no, it's called man with a plan On cbs. I'm on the night. It's so terrible. Sorry. I heard man. I tell you I have such an appreciation for sitcom actors because I I've seen your show a few times and you're very funny And I love it. I think it's such a it's such a hard skill. So I have so much admiration for you guys It's fun. But yeah, it's man with a plan on monday nights on cbs 837 30 central. Yeah, you're funny. And I have a little show called hiking with kevin on youtube Hiking with kevin on youtube. Yeah, you invite

Um No, so it's you know, not a hiker. He has like big stars on there. Tom. Hey, leave me alone Chelsea handler was on there sarah silverman. All right. I don't rule anybody out Who else is on there? Who's your oh and wilson? Oh, ah Love all and oh bryan jimmy kimmel. Jesus He's a little nobody guest that he has on I had, um Robert f kennedy jr. He'll be on this the third really? Yeah, um, yeah a lot of fun people bobcat Wow, it must be nice to get together with other white people and just have a nice conversation

tiffani haddish was on uh, she love her just kind of Sydney portier that you did not have sydney portier on there. No hiking You hiked with tiffani. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, you check that one out. Yeah, she's great We've known her for a long time youtube.com forward slash kevin you on comedy or hashtag hiking with kevin hiking with kevin. All right, there it is We'll leave you on this song. We have listeners that create songs It's called she's got tits by joseph and john whores. Thank you guys I like that one kevin. Thank you kevin kneeling for being here Where is it?

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