Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 458-Nikki Glaser-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 25, 2018

This is one really loaded. Upon playback, it hit us. Could this episode be TOO good? Yes, but you deserve it just for hanging with us.  This week we discuss a rapper who likes women who are almost not women - could he like men? Sure seems like it.  We get on the phone with Daddy Long Neck who tells us the full story of his neck, his voice and a potential fight with Crazy Locs (probably not a good idea).  Charo and Tom join us on a call to discuss the new Sicario movie among other things.  THEN due to CP's pregnancy and the recording schedule we had to keep things going, we have a DENTAL UPDATE with Charo and Tom IN STUDIO.  As if that isn't enough, the great and hilarious Nikki Glaser joins us in studio to discuss her blossoming radio career - she hosts You Up? on Sirius, she continues to travel the country performing stand up and she recently taped the CC Roast of Bruce Willis, where she no doubt burned him badly.    Please support our sponsors:  ShadyRays.com code: MOM Stamps.com code: MOM 23andMe.com/mom DollarShaveClub.com/mom Quip.com/mom

I take you to Strawberry Huntington. Woo! Yeah, I can't start it. Oh my god! 30! You guys are doing good! Hey, I got you on video! 30!

Get it! Come down later, promosu! Get rid of free food, free rent, and everything else, man. Here's a deal, man. Men from jail, homers. You're a thug. You want to come, move in. If I can move you too, man.

If you want to move in, you can move in. But you gotta fuck me. Fuck me. This time, you beat me up. Rock, rock, rock, rock. Fuck me. This time, you beat me up. Rock, rock, rock, rock.

Fuck me. This time, you beat me up. Fuck! This time, you beat me up. Rock, rock, rock, rock. Rock, rock, rock, rock. Rock, rock, rock, rock. Rock that.

Rock it. Rock it. Rock it. Rock it. Rock it. Rock it. Rock it. Oh, rock it.

Rock it. A trance. Come on. I've forgotten about Moose Soup Lady. How much I love her. That was Brendan, aka DJ, what's your pronouns? aka DjButsur. I love it.

I forgot what Pure Trash, the Moose Soup Lady is. She is a piece of garbage. You guys are doing good. Yeah. Like just the grammatical errors in that. You know. You guys are good. Fuck.

You guys are doing good. Yeah, it's crazy. You guys are doing well. Am I wrong here? I don't think that phrase has ever come out of her mouth. I think it's well when you're in reference to people, how they're doing. Fuck. I just...

You guys are doing well. You guys are doing good. People who scream out, fuck. Don't usually go, that's well done. That's true. Yeah. She is something else. Annie Woven, the rub rub guy.

The try it out guy. The Tress Canada Highway. The Tress Canada Highway. And that's Killer Man. All the hits. All the people. There's so much, kind of exciting phone call we're going to make here in a moment. Rub rub rub.

Are we going to talk to the rub rub guy? Um, it's possible. I have all these things mixed together. I don't remember what our opening clip was yesterday. Do you remember? I was the porn lady, the porn freaks lady, right? Oh yeah, the religious person. Yeah.

Yeah. That's psycho. Yeah. Yeah. I'm all right. Yeah. You sound like your dad. Yeah.

I'm turning into your dad. Aren't your parents watching Sicario two right now? They just finished. Yeah. What's the report? He absolutely loved it. Yeah. And she was like, why did you take me to this?

Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much as I suspected. Well, yeah, we figured that would happen. It's not, it's not a Charo movie. What's Charo's ideal film? A love story. Nice love.

What do you mean? There's plenty of love stories in Sicario too. Yeah, there are people who miss their loved ones. Now that they're dead, they're super violent. In Juarez. Yeah, it was crazy violent this one. Yeah. It was really bad.

I mean, in that regard. Yeah. Enjoyed it. I loved it. Now you were saying, because we were researching that movie, that they didn't actually film in Juarez. No, they filmed in New Mexico. I mean, could you imagine, sweet little, I mean, this is in the first movie, like Emily

Blunt, them telling her manager like, you'll be filming in Juarez. She'll be like, no, I'm not. There's not enough millions together to do that. Or for anybody, for anybody in that movie, could you? Well, yeah. It's just because it would be so unpredictable. Jesus Christ. The cartel gets wind of it.

And then they're like, does this movie make us look bad? Let's just kill everybody making them quick. Oh my God. Yeah. It's not good. Not good, Jean. Don't say marijuana. That's racist.

Do not say marijuana. I've been thinking about that today. So stupid. It's pretty great. It's pretty great. Rub, rub, rub. Rub, rub, rub. Rub, rub, rub.

It's a glance penis. Yeah. 50 times. Different circumstances. 50 times, right? Rub, rub, rub. Do you think he does it every day like that? I think, sure.

I think so. Yeah? I think so, yeah. That's quite a regimen. It's very time consuming. Yeah. We tried to help that guy who wrote and he said he's been getting him circumstances ready.

He's been rubbing 50 left, 50 right, 50 up, 50 down. Oh, so much rub, rub, rub. That's 350 tugs. That's a lot. Without any expresses coming out of the day calls. Well, you want to start this show? Yeah, yeah. Let's get into it.

Let's make our call. We got a lot to do here. We got a great guest coming too. We sure do. Here we go. See, this is what I be trying to tell people. I ain't with all these pretty bitches. I like those type of ones that's kind of almost close to us a little bit, but not really all

the way us, but all the way us. You feel me? Yeah. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Christina. Welcome to your mom's house.

This guy is the shit, huh? Is this Cardi B's baby daddy? Nope. Nope. Hold on. Is it the guy from Fishbone? No. This guy goes by the name Daylight, widely known as the goat.

The greatest of all time, Daylight, I think. And what does he do? Well, he's a rapper and it says here is, you know, very controversial, entertaining, started to bring some extra flair and gimmicks along to his, you know, his style and says that he's being judged on the amount of views instead of the content. He kept saying that people were being judged by that instead of the content of their bars. He claims to be a Grape Street Crip. He's a tattoo on his face inspired.

He's a what? Grape Street? Grape Street Crip. The Grape Street Crips. Yeah. Is that an LA? I don't know where that's based in. Grape Street.

That's not real. I'm sure it is real. This is a flavor. No, I'm sure it's a Grape Street Crips. Here. Let me look it up for you. Let's look them up. Okay.

I'm familiar with the LA Crips. The Bloods. The Grape Street Crips, East Side Grape Street Watts Crips. Yeah. It's here in Los Angeles. Oh, so he's an LA guy. Yeah. I thought I knew all the gangs.

I don't know about you, but that looks pretty real to me. Oh, there's a Grape Street and they wear purple because they're the grapes. It's their team colors. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. That's nice. When it matches the name. It is nice.

Yeah. MS-13. Do you think they were 13 scarves or? I know they get a lot of times tattooed like on their foreheads and under their eyes. Yeah. Yeah. That's so interesting. Goodness.

Yeah. There's not a lot I would ever tattoo on my face. Maybe my kids stuff. My kids name. I don't know. No, it's not. It's not even good. Okay.

So he's a Grape Street Crip. Cool. Yeah. What, like in gibberish is he talking about? I don't know. So anyways, he, you know, he's apparently big as a battle rapper and he did this interview with VladTV. We've played interviews from Vlad before, but just to get you to see all the women.

So you would put Young M.A. over Beyonce and Alicia Keys? By far. By far. Okay. Was there any female that you would put hotter than Young M.A.? Little Richard. Little Richard. He's pretty serious.

Serious. Hard to tell. The reason why I put Young M.A. so hard, she got qualities that other girls don't got. Like she's pretty, but she's buff. So like if I ever was like, hey, hey, help me fix the brakes. She just get under there with me, jack the car up, you feel me? Right. He's got a point there.

I do like that idea too. Yeah. I think I want a lady can do guy things too. It's pretty cool. He's talking about, I think this one right here. Okay. Yeah. Is she a Grape Street Crip?

I don't think so. She's definitely, she has a throat tattoo. Yeah. She's from Brooklyn. She's Puerto Rican and Dominican. Nice. I'm on board. And began rapping very young.

So he's really talking her up. Okay. All right. She's a deal. Good stuff. She's a real deal. See, this is what I be trying to tell people. I ain't with all these pretty bitches.

Okay. I like those type of ones. That's kind of almost close to us a little bit, but not really all the way us, but all the way us. You feel me? I don't feel you, but God. You feel me? You got to have a bitch that you could be like, babe, let's play 2K.

And she'd be like, I'm with that. You feel me? Wow. I love this guy. I don't feel you, but God. I don't think I've ever heard somebody say, I don't feel you. I mean, up the block, you feel me? Walking to the movies.

Okay. Feel me? And some bunch of niggas right there and one of the dudes try to holler at her. Feel me? And she'd be like, no, watch out, boo. I got this. Okay. That's the type of girl you need.

Go punch that dude in the face. Straight up. Straight up. You feel me? It sounds like he wants to be with another guy. Well, he's describing, he's like almost us, but not all right. But not us. So like masculine women he likes.

He likes, Matt, he likes, yeah. Makes sense. Aggressive women, maybe. I like, hey, I, I, some people consider me to be a very aggressive, masculine woman. I hope you meet someone, someone that likes you. I'm a bit of an alpha bitch. I can't fix cars. I can't fight people really.

He wants a friend that will also have sex with him. Who doesn't? Yeah. Sounds great. Do you think that says Devo on his chest? No. Do you think he's a Devo fan? Could be.

I like this guy. I like what he has to say. That looks like not such a great tat of the hands. Yeah. Yeah. That's a prison. 13. It looks pretty.

Sometimes when you get those early tats. I like this dude. I like what he's talking about. But I like the message of what he's saying is that don't send me some model. That's right. I want, I want someone a little more grounded. Yeah. I ain't down with that.

With like a pair of nuts between her legs. Cosmo says you're fat. Why ain't down with that? Jesus Christ. Maybe he wants someone lost in transition. Can we talk about last night's episode? Let's finish this though. Bitch, you could just catch a clean head all the way.

You feel me? That's what you need. You need no pretty-eyed bitch. You need one of those bitches. She ain't even a bitch. You need one of those niggas. Yeah. She's like a real nigga.

You could really save my girlfriend a real nigga. What does he want a bitch or a real n-word? You know what I'm saying? Well, he wants one who's both. A bitch and a real n-word. That's right. It gets so complicated these days. Guys want it all.

Yeah, they do. What's it going to be? A bitch or a real n-word? Big words. Yeah. Kind of got everything. Did you notice I didn't say the whole word? Yeah, I think that's probably best.

Well, it's best because then it ends up in 500 songs and remixes. Yeah. And hey, in today's climate, gosh, who knows what will happen if I... People will get very upset. I get... That's how people will react if they do it. Social justice warriors out there come for me. We're in a very sensitive time.

Very sensitive. Here's a super cut of all his... Oh, cool. Pretty bushy buff. You feel me? I don't feel you, but gosh. You feel me? You feel me?

You feel me? You feel me? You feel me? That's great. You can really save my girlfriend a real nigga. You feel me? Yeah. I like this guy, actually.

I like what he has to say. He's great. Again, I've never heard anybody say, I don't feel you. I know. Usually, you just kind of nod along when someone's like, you feel me? I don't feel you, but... I don't feel you, but... I don't feel you.

God. Go on, go on. I've never heard somebody say that. I don't feel you, but God. Interesting. I don't feel you. He wants somebody close to us. But not us.

I like those type of ones that's kind of almost close to us a little bit, but not really all of us. I like it. All right, though. He likes them a little masculine. He just doesn't want you to be dainty, like a little princess around him. I agree. I think, you know, that can be kind of annoying, I'm guessing. You want a real bitch?

Like lost in transition, can we talk about it? Of course. Okay, okay. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you're practically salivating every time that we turn the TV on because you want to see if the new episode is there. It's so fascinating.

How is it? I don't know how this is not the number one show in America. TLC's lost in transition is fascinating. I know. They're jumping into people's lives where they're in, it's not like they just started dating. They're married. They have children.

They're pregnant. And then one of them's like, I am transgender and you watch them go through the transition. I cannot stop watching the show. Yeah. I, you know, I got to tell you that I only really have love for one of the guys and that's the really sensitive one who is a woman. I mean, you know what I mean? He's married to that big Moana.

Yeah. I have four kids. Jesus Christ. No, she's been eating her feelings for years. Yeah. Of course. And he's really sweet. He is a woman.

You can see it in his core. It doesn't matter what he looks like. He's so feminine. But the couple I'm not feeling is the one they live in a mobile home. These two young people, they have a two year old and then she's nine months pregnant and around months, I don't know how pregnant she is. He decides now's the time. Now.

Right now. Right now. Right now. Right now. Right now. Right now. Right now. I think that you're definitely more sensitive to it.

And I understand why. Oh, because you're, you're equally pregnant. I was. Yeah. And it's like, can you wait for me to have the baby? Can you just wait asshole? Look, I know it's a thing. He just had that realization after the last episode, he's like, I probably shouldn't have

done this. Um, I probably should have kept portraying myself male at the gun shop that fired me. Right. Yeah. Probably. And then the other two, they have these unrealistic expectations of how the world works. He's like, I hope they accept me at the gun shop as a woman. Like they're not gonna.

No, no. These guys were camo to work. That's their work uniform. You really think these guys are sympathetic to you? Yeah. So it's kind of stupid on his part to insist on transitioning right now. He can't defer it. And just until the baby is kind of up and running.

I know it kind of speaks to how desperate they must feel. Yeah. Yeah. I can see that. I can not wait until this, at least the babies here, but part of being an adult and having children as you put your needs aside for a while until that kid's life is stable. Oh, I've been doing it every fucking day. What are you missing out on?

Just the partying and like the going to bars and stuff like you like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I have disdain for him. I can't or her. Sorry.

Hmm. Cause it's always a cry fast. Like my breasts are leaking. I might have breast cancer. Wow, we really don't have any feelings. None. Cause it's poor woman. She goes, I just gave birth and now it's a week ago and I have to find a job because

my husband can't work because she can't work. I'm so mad at her. I can't stand those two. So and then there is like these people that like the one, oh, the other thing is hilarious. There's one couple where selfish, the man's like 50 and the woman's let's say 62. Oh yeah. They're great. And she's really funny.

She can only talk about how much she loves sex every single time. Yeah. And that's her main concern. She's been married to this guy for like 13 years. She's like, he's loved my life. I don't want to lose him to be, you know, transitioning to a woman. I like sex. I got to have some of a very sexual person.

And then, you know, they cut away. They showed another story cut back. I just love men. I love penis. I love the way a man feel. And then they cut away the next time the interview, she's like, I just, I got to know, I got to know. I got to be able to keep having sex.

I don't care what he does. That she comes to realization that she's like, I can accept you being a woman as long as you can still fuck because I still need to have that sex all day. Dick, she's talking about dick. I've never seen a 63 year old woman talk like this. With her priorities straight like that? Yeah. That, that driven by sex at that age, isn't menopause supposed to dial it back some?

Well, how does it menopause? Your tits shrivel up and fall off and your cooch turns gray. So what happened to her? She didn't go through it. No. She, she clearly, yeah, you know, you go through it. Then she's like, I need to fuck. Hey, maybe she's on some hormones.

Maybe she's naturally just, I mean, some people are just wired that way. I guess being, you never think of like a woman, 60 something who's like, I'll go with you anywhere as long as you'll fuck me. Have you met Kim? Kim. Am I asshole? How you say? Asshole?

I mean, some women become sexually activated by 60. You don't know. Should maybe menopause turn her into a sexual demon and now she wants dick all day. It also could be part of the older we get, the less critical. We become of our bodies. You know, society really. Hi, I'm Kim. Here she is.

She's got menopause. And I'm here to film at this, such a beautiful villa, we're sitting with the first time. The first time. Uh-oh. To asshole. Yeah, it's not, not most women come on are not like that. No, but who knows? I mean, you're not banging 60 year olds.

I know. Who knows what goes on? But they say, dude, they say like in retirement homes, they say, they say, yo, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I'm Grape Street Crip that they are the horny as fuck in retirement homes. Could be. It could be.

No, it is dude. Like that's why the guys. No, I know. Because there's a lot of horny ass old bitches. What's it called? There's a lot of STDs in retirement homes. Yeah. They fuck like crazy.

Yeah. Like I don't. I'm not a special needs community. Same thing. There's no sex. Right. Right. At her age.

I'm saying she's hyper sexual. Well, can I tell you my theory on that? It's an editing reality show trick and what's going to happen is they're setting her up to be dick, dick, dick, dick, dick all day. And then when he transitions and he's got a VAD or something, she's going to be like, I love pussy. I'm a lesbo. I can't believe it.

I love tits and I love a puss. Right. Right. Maybe they'll flip her, you know? Yeah. Well, he's right now. She's just. All she talks about is the dick missing the D. And I have to say, like listening to her

say it over and over because at first when we talked about your transition, I was like, mine. I guess I can handle it. Yeah. And now that I should keep saying it, I'm like, what would I do without a D in the equation? That's true. Like we'd scissor. Yeah.

But that's, I don't know. It's fine. But your regime won't be, it's like, you know, so that's, we'll just be a couple of stamp collectors. All right. I don't know, dude, then we have to have a whole new thing going and so what's wrong with that? What's wrong with that?

Because I'm used to dick and balls. So I can life's about surprises. That would still pump you with a strap on, you know? I think too, the doctor was saying that you lose your sex drive with the estrogen. Yeah. That it screws up a guy's. For sure. For sure.

It's talking with me right now. My estrogen? My progesterone. I'm taking estrogen and it's, so it's messing with me. Oh, with your transition? Mm-hmm. What's your girl name? I forget.

My girl name is Cassandra. And should I be calling you she now or? Of course. If you respect my pronouns, you rude bitch. I feel like I'm going to talk to you like that now because I'm also transitioning. Yeah. Who would make a more beautiful woman, you or Burt Kreischer? He'd be prettier, I think.

You think Burt would be a better woman than you? I think so. Yeah. Who are of our friends? Okay. Ari, Bart. Yeah. Sickle cell or you?

Who's the best looking woman? Well, I mean, we're all hideous. Yeah. I think Ari could be the most natural woman. Why? He has this like lanky, long. He's like a model, tall, lean. Yeah, he like sits with his legs.

You're right. Cross and he can, he does these gestures that are very fluid. Yeah. Kind of. Very non-binary. Feminine, if you will. Yeah. But he, yeah, I think he could pull it off.

And then Burt, because Burt would just embrace it. He'd be like, I'm a lady now. He would have like the craziest makeup and yeah. He would look like over the top drag queen. Who else? Sick. Sickle cell. Terrible, terrible woman.

Terrible woman. The goatee. You can't do that. I mean, he would shave it, but he's, he's so, he's a grouchy old, you know, junkyard dog. Yeah. Yeah. No, you can't do it.

Well, can I, can I spill the beans on the surprise now? Spill them. Spill them. So if you listened last week, you, you know that I had a little online trouble with a certain, individual out there and I interacted with this man on Instagram. Was he a man? Yes. How old is he?

Very much a man. He seems young. He might be young, but we're about to find out because we're about to jump on the phone with him. Okay. So let me get a daddy long neck on the phone. I'm so excited. Hold on a second.

I can't imagine what we're going to speak to him about. I have a few ideas because I've been, I've been teeing up crazy loaks. Cause I think he'd be a really good match for, for long neck. I think it makes a lot of sense. Why is that? Walk me through this. Well, I mean, loaks likes to fight. This guy was threatening a fight and I think it just makes sense.

Like, um, You're saying they both want to fight. That's the thing they have in common. Well, yeah. They, and they talk shit. They both were threatening fights and I gotta imagine they're probably close to the same weight class. They have the same type of build.

I'm going to, I'm not sure, but I'm going to find out right now. Let's see. I'm terrified for you to speak to this kid. Seriously. I don't, I don't want to do this. I really don't. I want no part of this. I hope he does not answer.

You better answer. Hello. Hello. Hey, long neck. What's up? What's up, man? Thanks for, uh, thanks for jumping on the call. Um, we're really excited to talk to you.

No, we're not. Um, and I wanted to know, first of all, you're in Flint, Michigan, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And how, how old are you? Can I ask you that?

18. 18. All right. Young guy. We were, um, you know, we were interacting. You kind of called me out, uh, because we talked about you on the podcast and then I kind of, I feel like walks you into the world of crazy loaks. It's loaks, by the way, not locks, crazy loaks, um, but you did some research.

Do you feel like he might be a formidable opponent for you? Uh, no, I got one of these four. What's that? That guy would be easy as far. Oh, okay. So would you actually fight him if he wanted to fight though? If he's melling to him. If he's what?

Yeah. I'll never back down. Oh, you'd never back down. Okay. And I know that he trains a lot. Like he's always at the gym training. Do you feel like you could, you know, battle with somebody who's training all the time? Well, I am quick as far.

So, you know, I think I got, I got one of my bandage up because, you know, I'm a lot, you know, but he's probably a lot taller than me. You know, I, I couldn't let things fucking, you know, you walk around them and shit. You feel me? I definitely feel that. Give me your stats just so I know how tall are you? Uh, five foot three. What?

What is it? Five. Five what? Five foot three. Five foot three. No. Really? Yeah.

So, I know, you know, I got, I got a bandage up on me, you know, because, you know, with the mega people, you know, you know, it's easier to get out, you know, get out the position and shit. You feel me? Yeah. That's right. That's right. So you're five, three.

And what do you weigh? Like one, 20, 30? Just about. Just about. So maybe just under. Okay. Have you lived your whole life in Flint? Yeah.

I was born up in, you know, Flint. Okay. Okay. Now I notice you, um, you really embrace the fact that you have the long neck. I mean, it's in your handle. You go by daddy long neck or damn long neck. Um, what's the story? Is it just, is there anything medical or is it just that you have a long neck?

Well, uh, all serious, uh, yeah, kind of, uh, kind of, uh, fucking problem, you know, it's a problem. It's like, like, it's hard, you know, to gain weight and stuff is what, not, it's hard to gain weight and stuff. It's hard to gain weight. I got you. Yeah. So, you know, for a skinny guy like me, you know, I, I stay rock on when you tell me,

uh, I inspire the world and you tell me, uh, yeah, that, that's my, that's my plan. You know, never be ashamed to me or so, you know, I actually really did that. I noticed that you, uh, instead of, um, being embarrassed or, you know, deflecting, you embrace it. So you say like rub lotion on my neck, check out my neck, like you are actually highlighting it. And then I put a peanut butter on my body and shit and then I like, do, uh, do ladies like that?

Well, they being me up and shit, they're like, uh, like this one girl, she said, uh, she, you know, she let, she'll make all my body, she, you know, she, you know, uh, I'm definitely down. Yeah. You should definitely hit her up and follow through on that. Um, so how was my theory correct? Does the fact that you have the long neck, does it, you have a very distinct voice, like it's very distinct.

Does your neck length have anything to do with that? I'll tell you, I'll tell you the length of all the story and shit. Uh, and that's, you know, I'm going to be straight up real with you. Okay. All right. So in like 2010, 2011, uh, I fucking got my tongue so it's taking on shit. Okay. And, uh, I fucking like, oh, like after I got out the hospital, I spit up my stitches

because it felt like something was, you know, stuck in my throat and the shit, you know, so, so, you know, I spit up in the motherfucking, you know, I spit the stitches out. Now, uh, I started freaking out cause, uh, I'm not going to lie and started, you know, I started picking blood and shit. Right. So after I started picking blood and shit, you know, like I couldn't even eat, you know, they, uh, come on shit, we're bleeding on my fucking throat, we're bleeding and shit. Right.

So it was all me and, uh, and they, I went to the hospital, uh, I couldn't, I couldn't let my fucking eyes just turn white as fuck. Uh, you know, like, I ain't never seen this before. Like, like I've seen God or some shit, you tell me. Right. Cause I, cause I was coughing on my blood and shit and stuff. Uh-huh. And, uh, anyways, we go up in there, uh, they, they had to put a blood transfusion up in,

you know, cause I was living a lot of blood and shit. Yeah. You know, so, uh, so, you know, after, after that, you know, after that, uh, I let it heal up and shit, you know, and, you know, when I got done, but on the second time, um, like, you know, my brother started healing up and shit and, uh, so yeah, I just, after that, my fucking voice box was fucked up. Okay. So the surgery kind of did have an effect on it.

I got you. Um, so what's it, what's a typical, like, so you live in Flint, did you go to school there? Like, did you go to high school there? Well, the doctors told me out in like, at like fucking, I say like eight grade and some shit. Oh, wow. But I'm going back, but I'm going back next year. Oh, good for you.

Good for you. And then, uh, you'll go to school and do you work, do you live at home? Well, well, I don't work, uh, I just chill, you know. You chill. I feel you. I definitely feel you. Um, so, all right. So do me a favor.

You know, uh, if you want to, uh, get something going with CrazyLokes, we're really behind it. I feel like you guys could make it a lot of fun. I think you should make videos and target, target CrazyLokes and I'll reach out to CrazyLokes and see if he can message you as well. And I think, you know, I think it's something that the world would want to see. I think you guys would really excited. And it's gonna be on your show. Yeah.

Yeah, man. This is right now. We're recording. This is a, this is going to be on the podcast in a couple of weeks. It'll be out in a couple of weeks. Just, uh, just let me know when it comes out, you know, just be like, I just posted that. I sure will. Is there, is there anything else you want to say before I hang up?

Anything else you want to tell people? Uh, you just, uh, you know, if you want to get inspired, you know, y'all, you know, y'all can follow me, you know, you know, my, uh, you know, my, uh, fucking my Instagram using it and shit. Okay. Yep. We'll put it out there. Thanks a lot, brother.

Thanks for your time, man. All right. You're welcome. All right. Much love. Much love. See ya. There you go.

See, it was a bad tonsil, tonsilectomy. It sounds like in his voice box. Yeah. And he's got poor kid. Yeah. Small frame. He might be smaller than crazy looks. Did he say he was five three?

That's what he said. I mean, I think he's messing with us. Like joking. No, I don't think so. He's small. He might be very small framed. Yeah. So how tall is crazy looks?

I don't know. I would guess for crazy looks like five eight. And then what do you think he weighs? 150, 160. Oh. So yeah, he might have like a 40, 50 pound. Yeah. I don't know about this.

We may have to do like a wrap off or something. Oh, good idea. Yeah. Because they both spit bars. Yeah. Maybe not a physical fight. Maybe a, what do they call it? This is why I have you around.

What do they call that shit? That guy just said a freestyle race. Yeah. Rap battle. A rap battle. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, maybe rap battle is an order as opposed to physical violence with this poor child.

Yeah. These children. Yeah. One's a child. One's mentally. He's fed them a net. Yeah. Okay.

Cool. Yeah. That was great. Well, he certainly seems to be enjoying himself. He does. Yeah. He's like, I'm trying to inspire people. He's definitely having fun.

Yes, he is. Good for him. Making the best of the neck. Yeah. Having fun on the internet. Thank God for the internet, huh? I'm telling you. Otherwise people would just be like shut-ins.

He just threw in there that I rub peanut butter all over my body. He did. And women like it. And they offered to lick it off. Wow. I'm so happy about that. I want that to happen to him every week. So do I.

That'd be great. Yo, Daddy Longneck, send us some peanut butter licking videos. Please don't. Or not. You don't have to do that. That's fine. I'm not interested in seeing that kid. I think it's a great idea.

Good for you, kid. I think you're like... I heard it. Don't worry. Sometimes when you burp and I don't react right away, you kind of look at me. Yeah. Like the way Feef does. Like, are you going to acknowledge what I did?

Yeah, I do. Mommy. Because I want you to acknowledge me. I know. And I get mad when you don't acknowledge my burps and farts. Or when you don't ask about how my poops went. Yeah. Yeah.

No, you don't. Sometimes I go and then we don't even ask. It's like we're not even married anymore. What's the point? That's true. You did poop this morning. Right. And I pooped right after you.

You didn't even ask me how my one went. And our son had a poop in his di-dye while that was happening. The whole family pooped at the same time pretty much. What a neat story. That was a real neat story. Tell your mom this story. Yeah. When she comes to visit.

They're coming to visit us soon, Top Dog and Charo. That's true. Now you play it. Next up, Brown Top. You know, I might be able. Brown Top coming up. I just had the idea. I might be able to tell Charo that story right now.

Let's do it. You want to try to call her? I would love to. She would be thrilled to know that we all shit at the same time in the house. Yeah, she'll be. Mommy, daddy and the baby. And it would also be hilarious to get her review. Of Sicario.

Of Sicario. I'm sure it's not on. I heard my dad on the way out. He goes, it was a classic. She goes, it's not a classic. I told me it's so violent. Oh, my God. Father was ir to ir smiling.

Let's see. Let's see if she'll answer. She won't fucking answer. No, she never does. Call your dad. He'll answer. Maybe. Haven't talked to your dad in ages.

I know. Long time. You're right. You can ask him about that breathing. Oh, yeah. Hello. Charo. It's your son.

She's drunk. She drinking? Hey, mom. Mom. What's happening? Charo sang. Charo. Charo sang.

What's she doing? She talking to you? Are you talking to someone else? I don't understand what's happening. Por Dios. Okay. Charo. Tell me, tell me.

Hold on, tell me. What did you think of that movie? What did you think of that movie? Yes, please. Yeah, this is the... It's like watching the... The... The Shining Path?

The Shining Path. And I say to watch him. I say to watch him as I am eating popcorn. I stuck myself in a movie. I ate Doritos, popcorn, a pretzel. And I said, Tom, let's eat as far as we can because I'm on a fart. But there is no tomorrow with this as well. I was desperate.

Desperate for me. I drink two diet... I drink two diet talks. So I burp from the top and I burp from the bottom. Wait, so did you think... I don't know. Did you think it was too violent or no? I mean, they cannot make it any more than that.

You can if you try. It's almost stupid. I said, remember what? They kidnapped the girl in June from the school. How can she's wearing pants now? He said, why didn't you watch that part? I said, I'm trying to get distracted. Because she was given pants at the base.

The Americans gave her the pants. Oh, okay. You know what your father told me? What? It's a movie. Just keep in mind it's a movie. Just keep watching. Yeah, but you thought it was...

Oh my... It was crazy violent, right? Now, but extreme, Tommy. Please depart at the end of the movie when this guy is covered in blood and he's supposed to be dead. And then they have the bullets go from one cheek to the other cheek. And she takes the thing off. The blood comes.

Like, I was putting a drink on you. It's a drink. I said, Tommy, please. How far is this going to go? And then they're driving. They are very close. Oh my God. Spoiler alert.

Why do these people have in mind for real, huh? What is your brain? Did you know? You didn't know this. We were driving home and you didn't know this. This is the sequence of a previous movie. Yeah, mom. Of course I knew.

Of course I knew. How can your father ask you? He's the one that might make a sequence. A sequel. But they all... How do you say sequel? Sequel. So the movie Sicario came out a few years ago.

Yeah, but it makes no sense because when I read the previous one, it's a different guy who didn't come in this one. Yeah, but the two guys are the same guys. The two guys are the same guys. And have you watched the first one? Yeah, of course. Oh my God. Have you guys not seen...

Have you not seen the first one? Didn't even know there was a first one. I got to watch it. It's a great love story. Actually, there's a lot of love. There is a beautiful love story in the first one. You have to be kidding me. I have watched this movie.

Yeah. The first one... The first one is very different. It's a romantic story between Emily Blunt and Benicio Del Toro. They fall in love. Yeah, it's a really different story. I don't believe shit that you guys tell me now. I swear.

I swear. You got to watch it. I want to believe you. I don't believe Tommy. It's true. I think you'll really... Hey mom, do you know that one of the things that the Mexican cartel guys do

is like if you betray them, they'll tape you to a chair and they put a mirror in front of you. So you look at yourself in the mirror and they cut the skin off of your face. So they pull your face off. Tommy, I have no interest because I'm not going to do anything to the cartel.

Oh my God. How far can people go? There's no humanity. Animals don't do this. No, I know. And then you watch yourself bleed with a skeleton face, but they put the skin that was your face,

they put it in front of you. I can't believe that you're my son. You came out of my womb and you looked too thin. Doctor, I'm blood. I know. I know. You see that?

That has nothing to do with me. I know. He's a psycho. Mom, this morning... Oh my God. This morning... He's a psycho. You want to hear a different story for a change?

No, this one's funny. It's a clean one. Yes, yes. This morning, I realized I go, uh-oh, I have to go caca. And I...

I saw. I asked if it's a clean one, please. I walk into the kitchen. Christina comes out of the bathroom. She just went caca. And then Ellis walks by me and he has a caca on his diaper. So we all went caca at the same time.

Ah. How about the dog? You and they put that through? They went like 10 minutes later. You can make a movie out of this. Make a show. Make a show? Family caca?

Family caca and everyone caca. And everyone caca. And you know why the dog didn't go caca. So you're giving something to go caca. And then at the end of the show, everybody went caca. And then this happened the other day. I love it.

I love it. I don't want to call you a father. Because he said, yes, yes, that's my son. I mean, I don't understand why in the world we're together. I said,

don't. Nothing. There is one thing that we're like, no one. Ah, by the way, in the movie. Yeah. In the movie,

he gets up. I'm both natural because he gets me something to eat. I finished my, my pretzels. And I bought the pretzels on purpose because it's soft. I want to like make noises

when you're next to people. Yeah. So he came back and said, I got your nachos. I said, first you have to open the bag. Give me that. So everybody's looking at you.

And then I couldn't see it. So it was a donut. It was that deep for the nachos. So I stick my finger in there and make a huge mess. And then he said, he started eating from my tray. I said,

don't, don't make noises. So that produced him to sneeze. Oh boy. You know what he sneezed? He sneezed 18 times. Yeah. So he sneezed,

I'm not kidding you. After he sneezed 18 times, of course he has to blow his nose. So he asked me for napkins. So I gave him 80 paper I have. I said, it doesn't kick us out of this one. They will never kick us anymore.

We make as much noise as we could between the nachos, the blowing of the nose, the sneezing moment, oh, by the way, he has to go breathing. So he also was coughing. Oh my God.

So I know, I know we make some people really happy. Now it's not his, it's out of his control. There's nothing, but they sell you the nachos there. They make, they give it to you in the back that it's here

so you can make a lot of noise. And it's not his fault that they're giving it to him. But if it's his, I don't blame him, but it was uncomfortable. Of course. All right. Well, I love you.

I wanted to see what you thought of that movie. Yeah. It's, it's an awesome movie. I told him that it wasn't your type of movie. But I do think, I do think in all fairness, you would actually like the first one. The first one is different.

I don't know. Yeah. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.

I'm talking about the noises that you made with your nachos, the sneezing, the cough. So. So what? Okay. Dad. Dad.

Yeah, buddy. Have you seen, have you seen the first Sicario? I probably did. I just don't remember it. Well, it's the same cast. I'm going to search for it on tonight. We've great movie to watch tonight.

Oh, it's amazing. I guess what? Well, I actually don't know. We like it because that one is romantic. Yeah. Okay. Well,

wasn't a lot of romance in this movie, buddy. Yeah. Yeah. You'll enjoy the other one more. I love you guys. I got to run. I'm going to a meeting. Okay.

Excuse me. I am going to a meeting this time. Okay. No, I'm beating you. I'm going to a meeting. Okay. I love you. Bye-bye.

Love you. Bye. Just so you know that I'm going to a meeting thing. That's my mom's favorite joke because every time I hang up, she says that I go, I'm walking into a meeting. You are. And then, you know what you say to me all the time?

What? I got to let you go. I got to let you go. Then you try to get ahead of it and you go, no, I got to let you go. I got to let you go. You treat me like I'm a business partner on the phone. Yeah, you are.

You're like, I got to let you go, sweetie. I got to let you go, Tom. Okay. Let's take a quick break here. I got to let you go, Tom. I got to let you go. That was so great. That was fantastic.

All right. We are back and we are joined. I don't know if I'm doing a good broadcasting job. You can report. We are joined. It says here, you're a comedian. Oh, God. I don't know why they're great.

I think it's Comedian. Comedian. Come on. A very sassy and funny. No. Very pretty lady. Very pretty lady. You say she's pretty first, right?

Absolutely gorgeous talent coming to the stage. No, the great Nikki Glaser. Thank you for coming over. Oh, man. Thanks for having me, guys. You were over at Fat's house earlier doing the podcast. That's what he called you. Oh, that's interesting.

Yeah. He said you guys had a binge eating podcast. You have eyes. You can tell who's... I know what's going on. You know what's going on. I do know that Bert said he is going for a 13-mile bike ride and a six-mile run tonight. Okay.

And then going to bed with a Xanax so he doesn't... He puts himself to sleep with a Xanax so he doesn't eat the rest of the day. He's done eating. And then, 4th of July, he's really going to let loose. Does this register to you as a healthy lifestyle? No. He told me right before we started, he goes, I think I have an eating disorder.

I was like, yeah, you think? Do you think that would be maybe one of many things that's going on? Many, many. What's going on, Nikki? What do you think? Now, do you think he's due before, Christine? Or who's... He's about to go first.

Exactly. I am... He is so... His family is so lovely and I don't know how they are. Put up with him? Is that what you meant to say? He is such a mess. Yeah.

With his eating and his exercising and his extremes and his drinking and everything. Yeah, Nikki, what's... How are his daughters coping? What's going on? What do you think is going on? I don't really know what is going on with Bert. You would think... Obviously, he's trying to push down some kind of feelings.

And obviously, he doesn't like himself as much as we all like him. Right. I mean, I don't know about you guys, but as much as America likes him... That's true. I mean, if you're constantly trying to change yourself and you get yourself worth from whether or not you're skinny, you don't like yourself at its core enough. And I'm a person like that. Yeah.

Everyone is, essentially. But if you love yourself enough, all that other stuff doesn't matter so much. I think you have great instincts on this. I think another thing going on is that he thinks... He knows he's the party guy and that people love the party guy. And he thinks you won't love him if he's not partying at all times. Yeah. And if he keeps on his shirt or whatever it is, he thinks he owes that to people at this point.

And I relate to that. I relate to people having expectations and thinking that that's why people like you and not really understanding what it is about yourself that people actually are attracted to. And which I tried to tell him during his show, and I meant it, is your honesty. Whatever you're going through, your honesty is never going to change. You can stop drinking. You can wear different clothes. But your core honesty, and that's what people love about him and about you and about you

guys, and me even, is that we're honest. And as long as you retain that, no matter what, you can stop drinking and still be funny. Yeah. That's so true. And I think that's one of the most... That's a great analysis, I would say. Thanks. Man, we should have been recording.

That was really great. Yeah, the following way. And the binge drinking and... Yeah, it's all... I quit drinking and I really struggled with who I would be on the other side of that because it was everything to me and it was... Was it really? I drank every single night and I looked forward to it and all my friendships and all my relationships

and sex and comedy. Everything was wrapped around drinking. When I was going to drink, I'd celebrate with a drink. I would pre-game with a drink. And when I decided to quit, I was like, what is my life going to be? And you're just still the same person. I was going to ask you, was it a slow build-up to saying like, hey, there's something going on or was it like a moment kind of thing?

Well, I did hit a bottom. So there was a moment, but it was a slow build-up because I was drinking all the time. I was blacking out very easily. It always reminded me of that John Mulaney joke where he's like, I got to the point where I'd have one drink and your body would be like, well, we know where this is going. We're going to bed and I would black out from like a couple beers because my brain is exactly his joke. Your brain knows we know where this is going.

It never stops at two beers. Let's just turn off the lights now and save some energy. Is that right? I didn't know that happened. So I would black out very easily and I never did anything that I super regretted or dangerous when I drank, but the hangover was destroying my life. I couldn't function anymore. And I was just starting to get things.

I remember the impetus was kind of, I got a pilot at MTV to do a talk show that turned into a show, but I remember thinking, I'm not going to be able to film this and write this if I'm hungover even every day because I would always have a hangover. So I got a book because I quit smoking with this book called The Easy Way to Stop Smoking. I read that. Alan Karn. All these comics. I don't know.

So many comics behind this book. It's a great book. Yeah. I was one of the early adopters, I think, of the book and I've given it to so many comedians and they've given it to people because once it works for you, you're like, it works. And so he also wrote a book called, so I stopped smoking with that book in 2009. And I knew he had written another book called The Easy Way to Stop Drinking. And so I knew that his method worked the first time for that one thing that was so hard

to quit. And I was like, I'm going to get his drinking book just to have it on the shelf. So when I'm ready to stop drinking, I can just grab it and go for it. And I had a particularly terrible hangover, December 9th, 2011 in Cleveland from like a couple craft beers, woke up the next day and then I was like, I feel like I'm dying. Like, I feel like this is the way you feel when you're like getting, like, I don't know what cancer is like, but this is what like, I feel like I can't walk, I can't function. I was like in the shower, curled up in the corner, just shivering and being like, I don't

want to feel this way until I'm actually dying because that's the way I feel. And I did this to myself and I'm fucking done. I'm just done. I'm tired of feeling. So I flew home and I grabbed the book and I just read through it and it worked on me and it really was easy. I mean, it was, it was as easy as I could ever have imagined it would be. And I did, my friends did change.

My relationships did change, but like all for the better. Oh my God, that's very impressive. It's great. So at this point, like seven years? Yeah, it'll be seven years in December and totally nothing. I smoke, I smoke pot off and on, but no drinking and drinking was my like thing. You know, and it really like, it defined who I was. Like, I felt like I was like the comic that talked about being a drunk slaughter.

You know, like that was like, so I didn't know who I was going to be sober, but it turns out I'm like way more vulnerable and interesting and all the things that I was kind of just like drinking, not even a dress. Yeah. And I think you're right that a lot of comedians, excuse me, won't seek out treatment or go to therapy because you're afraid that you're going to lose that thing about you that makes you funny. But the truth of it is you actually can go deeper down that hole of the shit that makes you funny because now you're freed up.

You're not so emotionally tied to it. You can actually make fun of the stuff that's really deep and dark. Yes. I think it actually makes you way funnier. You can access it because what you're doing in drinking is not accessing it. Exactly. You don't want to go there. It's too painful. And once you're able to go there, you can cry and do all the stuff you need to do and then get on the other side of it and start making fun of it and make great jokes.

Yeah. It's so cool. Can you imagine how much funnier Bert would be? I mean, it'll it'll happen eventually. Yeah. I mean, I mean, he's had to have hit a couple of bottoms in his life. For sure. It'll happen eventually. But no, we're so happy to see you. Nicky Glaser, Tom Segura, 2007's Just For Laugh's New Faces class. Is that right? Yes.

I remember how long ago it was that year. So hard. You were like the runaway star. Yeah. You were the one people were talking about. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was you and Tommy John again. I don't even know that Tommy had as good of a showing as you. And he was like the one to that I thought going in that year was the one to I remember that. I remember there was this guy. Do you remember the guy, the English guy?

I've told you about. Yes. Do you know the older guy? Do you know that he is a superstar there? Really? Dude, he does the O2 arena. Like what stretches of multiple. My God. 16,000 people a pop. Wait, so was he like on your like Michael Mitchell or something? Michael Michael might be like he was a new face of us.

Yes. I remember his like energy was obnoxious because he was very confident and we were all like not. And we just didn't really care for that. God, what was his name? And there was an older woman on it too. Do you remember her? Yes, that's right. She was like 60.

And she was like a New Yorker. Yeah. Is she doing comedy? Definitely not. I love what they give spots like that to the wild cards and you're like, don't do that. Just give it to someone that's going to do something. That's going to just give it to anyone else with the 60 year old. Yeah, they have.

When did you go? Well, I actually not until I was 2015 until I had gotten some success. The Montreal gave me zero love. Isn't that interesting that sometimes they can just 0.0 and I look for the record. Yeah. And not only that, like they would audition me year after year. I would make it to call back, call back, call back. I'd get so far.

And then I would get the call like, oh, it was between you and bop, bop, bop. And they chose the other girl. Like it was always between me and someone else. I am so sick of this one girl bullshit. I am furious about the one girl. Yeah, I know. There's only one space for us on everything. I know.

I'm sorry. That used to be okay when there weren't that many of us and we weren't all that funny and like there weren't as many funny women. I know. Like the, the, the roast or whatever, I'm only doing it because Natasha turned it down. And it bothers me that there isn't a world where I could roast Natasha, but there isn't. We can't exist on the same stage. You're the one lady.

There's the one, the one token whore that you can, all the whore jokes. Oh, right, right, right. We can be, we're the, the, the aging whore. The loose vagina jokes. The drunk whore. Yeah. And, and it's a shame that I'll never be able to roast Natasha because no roast will ever have two women of the same age range in.

And I like that they're all tired of it. That's pretty lame dude. Making jokes about your, your drinking that you can then reply like, cool that it's an eight year old joke that you're making. I know. That's the funny thing is like a lot of jokes get written about me having no tits, which I, I, I register as someone with maybe a flat chest, but I actually like, when I dress up, you can tell that I have, I have sneaky big tits.

And so a lot of, Sneaky big tits. Yeah. They're sneaky. Like people don't know. Yeah. I know what time it is. I wish I had them.

Oh, like, yeah. You're like sneaky. Like ginormous titties. What are you working with? What are you? I'm a, I'm a D and then a double D on days where it's like the period is cranking. Yeah. I really play them down.

I really did. I used to too. Yes. I just can't. But that's smart. That's smart. I've always given that advice to like young starting comics that are like, dude, play it down.

Play down to you. They're huge. You're right. Yeah. You are. You are. I forgot I'm on camera. Yeah.

No, no. But I think my like, I just like sitting away, but it is fun because whenever I hook up with a guy and they like, they have no idea. And then I take off my shirt and I always have like, oh my God. Like it's always, that's a fun moment. You know, you're like Kirsten Dunst. Ooh. Does she, I would never think she has big boobs.

She's got big boobs. Secret biggers too. Big milkers. And she's like you like skinny, skinny, tiny. And then you know, you see her in some movie and you're like, look at those knockers. She's good. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, I feel like Stellar had these too. Wow. And she looks about how hungry her tits were, but they, they weren't. Yeah. And so guys have, and also they're going to call me a whore. And I like don't, I'm not really a whore. I've slept with 16 guys, which as a woman who's been single most her life is nothing. That's it?

That's your number? I know it's nothing. And that's all. I would have guessed your number was way higher. You would have thought. Yeah. Just, no, just by virtue of being a single woman. Thank you.

Yeah. But you know, I, you know, I'm married. I can't get fucked to save my fucking. And I know that sounds, I know that sounds. What are you talking about? I know I could get, I know I could get just some random dick if I wanted it. And like, but like. You want that quality dick?

I want not even quality. Like I just, the guys I'm going after, like they are like turning it down. Like the other night. No, what are you talking about? Literally invited a guy, I had made out with this guy a couple of times, invited him over to my apartment the other night. All right. This guy, you made out with those guys.

You invited over. Yeah. Like give us. That's why they're fucking nut jobs, Nikki. But explain that. What is the nut job behind that? Of a guy that I've made out with a couple of times, like at bars and out and about in the town.

And then later in a night when we've already like been like, Hey, are you hanging out? I'm hanging out. And then he went and hung out too long somewhere. And I go, well, I'm leaving. I'm going home. And he goes, well, I'm going to get out of here in an hour. Are you still going to be there? And I go, no, I'm going home.

But maybe you can come over, text me after. Did you say that? Yes. And because I was so fucking horny, like I literally don't like to just have casual dates, but I'm like, I need a dick. Like I just needed it that night. And I decided that I wanted it. And I decided I'm not going to take this guy seriously because I wouldn't fuck a guy

that I really wanted to date. Like I wouldn't do that on the first night. I just wouldn't. But this guy you don't want to date. No, I don't want to date him. And he's not to be taken seriously. And that's why I was like, let's just do it. You know what?

I need to get laid. I need a good story. And I got one because he fucking and he didn't. First of all, we kept texting. He never acknowledged that I invited him over. He just kept telling me about his night. And then when he, and then I go, okay, I'll hear. Talk later.

He just never wrote. And it's been like five days since and nothing. Yeah. But see, I can, there's a couple things going on. Tell me what's going on. A couple things could be going on. Okay. Number one is that he does actually like you and has a bit of fear insecurity about how

comfortable you are with the casualness of. I haven't been. It's only gotten to this part. But I'm saying you, you with the, with that open door now with, with you saying, he definitely heard it. It's like, it could, he could be intimidated by the prospect of coming over and, and possibly all of our sexting has been, and it's, it's like, I didn't even instigate the sexting. Anytime we're like, Hey, I can't wait to hang out with you.

He's like, I can't wait to fuck you on your balcony. I can't wait to fuck you here. Text you like that. He's the one that is texting me pictures of his dick in his pants. Like like cloth, but like you can see it like and, and saying I want to fuck you here. And so I go, you know what? I don't take this guy seriously. He's just throwing this out so casually.

He's not asking me on a date. I'll only consider him as a hookup if I want it. So I go, okay, I want it. And then I did it. And then. See cat number two. I was going to say maybe as a small dick. No.

Then you saw, okay. We call him baguette. Me and my friends. Wow. Because of. Because he shares the photos a lot. No, he just shared one and it looked like a baguette in his pants. Wow.

Maybe as AIDS. Okay. Um, I don't want to get me a sec. Um, maybe it's a breakout of some kind. Oh, that's a good point. It could be an STD break. It definitely could be that. It definitely could be that.

Oh my God. I've never thought about that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. There you go. Dark side of the force.

Wow. I don't know, but the one other possible, he's got a girlfriend. Maybe he's got a girlfriend. I mean, it doesn't. I mean, you're sure about that or an X that's maybe lingering. Is he, is he younger? Nope. Same age.

Same age. See sometimes with experience, you realize that talking to talk is fun. But you go, I don't want to mess with the person I see at work anymore. No, that's what I think it is. I remember being like in my early 20s, looking up with people at work, having it go horrifically wrong afterwards. You know, not the night, but it's just like then you're seeing the person at work. And then if I were single and, you know, at what the age now, I would definitely be trying

to avoid any and all. That's a really good point. I think that no comedians want to date me and that's okay. And it makes total sense because no, they should, it's, it's, I've dated too many of them. I talked to. Have you dated too many of them? Yeah.

I mean, oh my God, I cannot believe I didn't bring this up. I listened to the entire podcast, the entire podcast, I brought it up to her. I was like, you got to check out this podcast to you and Pete Lee. Yeah. I listened to that whole thing. Wow. That's, that is a ringing endorsement for that podcast. Thank you.

Dude, that was because of such a great story. Well, what's it called? So people can find it. She is so hardcore with don't cross me. That's true. That is true. And I meant that as a compliment. No, it's true.

She, look, it, well, tell us the podcast name so I can, it, um, it was called keeping Joe is the name of the podcast. And it is, um, like a comedy seller, comics, Sam Merrill, uh, Joe Mackey and, uh, Liz, who I don't know her last name, but she's the manager at the comedy seller. They have a podcast. Wasn't fell on this too. Phil Hanley as well. Phil Hanley, who has a new album out and very funny guy who betrayed his country, moved

to New York. He, uh, was honest too, but it ended up becoming, I mean, they, you know, there's the usual banter when jumping and having a good time, but it ended up becoming the story. This is why I was so hooked on it. It was the story of Nikki and Pete Lee and Pete Lee for people who listened to this show. He's in that documentary I need you to kill that was filmed where we went to Asia. Yes.

Chad Daniels and I went to Hong Kong sing it. So if you've seen that, that's Pete Lee. He and Nikki, I don't even want to give it away, but they have this great story of meeting and this romance building in love. Yeah. When he, uh, said, I can't right now, basically to Nikki, she was like, you're dead to me and meant it for like 11 years, and then I love actually, I mean, the, the good, the great part of the story is that you moved past it and have re become friends.

Yeah. Yeah. Um, and you guys seem to like literally like my best friend, like my most trusted front, like my like person I call when I'm in a jam, like really, really compassionate, empathetic and must have been so in love with him. I was so in love with him, so in love with him. And then when on that, on the other side, there's a lot of things that happened, but on the, on the other side of the 11 years when we reconnected, um, we kind of reconnected

because we both got single and he had reached out to be friends and I was like, I'm not ready. And then I got single and I was like, oh, that we have pretty a pretty good time 11 years ago. I have sex right now. I just got a relationship. I'll call up Pete Lee. Let's rekindle this.

We, we, he, he was flying to LA to come like sleep with me, essentially, like for us to like start something. This is after you've made 11 years later and we're talking on the phone a lot and we're reconnecting and we're both kind of like, this might be something again. And he's flying to LA to like to see if that's the case. And um, on his flight, he met, he was sitting next to and met the woman he now lives with and is going to marry and they just met on the flight and, and, but all of, they just met and were like friendly and it was fine, um, exchanged like Instagram information.

But just like the way you do with like a stranger, me, but they had chemistry, but it wasn't like anything. He was focused on me, but told her all about me and the whole thing. They connected over that because she's a therapist and she was giving him advice about how to deal with me. What? He shows up in LA and I go to his hotel. I, I was living in LA at the time.

I got my dogs away for the night cause I'm like, mama's getting laid. Dogs are out for the night. I show up at his place with like my bag and I love that the dogs have to be gone for you. Sex. I have my little overnight satchel. I show up at the Roosevelt hotel where he has a really nice room cause we're going to have sex and shack up all weekend and I get there and I just didn't feel it.

I just was like, I don't feel like even kissing like it just isn't there. Like I love you. You're my, and I, and then we got high, which made it like worse. And I was like, I just have to tell you, like I don't, I don't feel this. I feel like such a friend vibe with you and I'm sorry. And he's like, I feel it too. And I'm like, are you okay if I like still sleep here? Cause I don't want to go home cause I live in Silver Lake.

And so I stayed the night there, slept in the same bed with my noise canceling headphones on my sleep mask. He had a CPAP machine and we woke up his friends and have been friends ever since. And then that girl, he's going to marry that girl. Wait, what year did this thing happen? This happened in October. This just happened. Yes.

What? Yes. Wow. Banana. So this girl he met on the plane is they're now living together. She is engaged. They're going to be like, it's, they talk about it. Like it is, he met the person.

Is she cool with your guys' friendship? Yes. She's the cool. She, I had dinner with them last night. She was texting me this morning about men and she's like, I have a new theory for you for something you should try cause I think you talk too much. So I was like, just shut up.

And she's like, maybe, like she has a good point. Like I talk too much. Wait, what other comics have you dated? Give us more comics. I just talked about this on Bert's podcast a lot, not a lot, but like I've, here's my problem is that like I can't mention some of the ones I've slept with. Yeah, that's fine. Then don't, don't obviously, I mean, I'm not trying to get that.

They cheated on their girlfriends with me and they're now married to those. And like, don't marry the girl. Don't talk about that then. Never, never. But like I just, I just, I dated Dan Soder for a little bit. And then I also had like a Pete Lee type thing with him where he hurt me and I really tried to make him feel as bad as I felt. You're so vindictive.

I used to be, I learned from Dan Soder, like I can't do that to anyone ever again because what I, essentially what is happening when that, when I am vindictive and like want you to feel my wrath is like, I still love you. Right. My love has just turned to the other thing. Yeah, because if you didn't want to do that, means you don't care. You're indifferent. So the second I stopped loving those two men, I didn't want to ruin their lives.

I loved, I think I loved Pete Lee for a really long time, I guess. Or just like whatever the idea of that was, because I really was like, oh, I'm going to marry this guy. Like, and I met him in college. So I really, he gave me my first orgasm, which is the worst thing that could have a big deal happened. Yeah. I'm going to give you one, one day, one day, wait till you see what I got planned.

That's wild. It is. And so I think now dating comedians, enough of them have heard the way that I can be, if you do cross me. Oh, there you go. How many that also might play to this guy to the baguette. The baguette might be thinking about it. I'm serious.

I know. I really might be thinking like, you know, I love talking shit with her. I'm attracted to her in this. But like in the back of his mind, he's like, oh, fuck. Well, and what if she talks about our experience on her radio show or on a podcast, that must be it. I mean, well, that's any guy too, because I'm an open book on stage and they're all scared.

I'm going to talk about their dicks. And I'm like, unless you hurt me, I'm not going to come after you. And then they're afraid they don't know what they're going to do that might hurt you. I know. That's what it is. And these guys hurt you when they don't want to. Wait, why can't we get you to meet or go out with a non-comic?

Yeah, I've tried. I mean, where do I meet them? I've tried dating apps. And Raya is the one that's supposed to be a little more selective. And it's just DJs jumping off of yachts. That's what I call it. It's so gross. And like comics are just more interesting.

You know, you guys get it. Come on. And the worst is actually what I love that you just said. You go, you go, I enjoy talking shit with you. I'm like, yes, that's the first quality in a partner that I look for is talking shit with a friend like, you know, we'll hang out with comics forever. And then you go out with like the non-comic couple. And you're like, this is the worst.

Worst. Yeah, they're like, they're so goddamn boring. They they have their shit talking skills are terrible. Too many boundaries and filters. Like they're too shocked by things. You're like, just fucking say it. And then I talked to Bonnie McFarland and Rich Voss. Same thing.

They just talk shit together. That's what they enjoy doing more than anything. And they have each other for it. Joe List and Sarah Talmash. They make fun of the same people together. Like they you have the real bond. It's so good. You're united by what you hate.

I think that's especially with comedians. We're so shitty. Like we need to be talking about that. Yes. I just remember too that you guys butt fucked clay together on. Oh yeah. Oh my God. I forgot about that on your show.

Sorry I made you do that. Oh yeah. We butt fucked the thing. You guys were so nice. Like I had just had our baby. The first kid. That's so funny. Yeah.

Gosh, that's so funny. Oh, well, we have to find you. Well, how about a writer? Like somebody who's maybe stand up adjacent. Yeah, I'm not in standup. Don't want to like aren't like they don't like to fuck. Is that right? Like I don't know.

That's what I thought of like. Like I feel like I need a guy who kind of wants. I don't know. Like writers to me are always like a comedy writer. Like I've never met a comedy writer. Then like that guy would throw me up against a wall and like choke me a little bit. Like yeah, they're not weird enough.

Yeah. By the way. Oh my God. Please, please. This is the infamous jacket that I lost. I lost this jacket and I made such a big stink about it. Because I love that jacket. It was such that's such a you can get another jacket like that.

I did. I ended up buying it, but it wasn't the same. So you had just given birth. We just had Alice about maybe three months ago. Looks like I just gave birth to. We both ate our way through that first pregnancy. This was a lot of fun. Do you know that this couple right here in the back?

These two, they do porn. Of course they do. So that yeah, like as they were like, I don't know. I kept trying to they kept trying to throw in comments and I was always like, hey man. We get it. You're cool with this. And then he was like, I do this all the time.

And I was like, you do what? It was like one during one of the breaks. He's like, well, we do porn. I was like, oh, okay. Yeah. You know, it's got to be hard in New York City to meet dudes because there's so many like models just walking down the street in New York City.

I would love to date a model. Do it. I love models. I love models. I'm not I'm not hot enough for models. They can fuck other models. It's just I'm not I listen. I do all right.

I like I'm a fine looking lady, but I ain't a 10 and they they only bang 10s. The models. Yeah. Model guys who are 10s. They're not going to bang a comedy nine. That's what I am. I know it.

And it's so like I can do pretty well for myself, but like I do love I just love a fucking like a model like a dumb hot guy. There's so many someday. I right now I'm talking about like if you have herpes and you like feel really insecure about that, I'm willing to like sleep with you and possibly get it. Wow.

I don't have it, but I'm willing to get it. I got one for you. If you're not enough, what about an athlete? Amazing body would love it. Not smart, not too smart. Love it. Yes, please. Here's the thing to it.

You have a fucking pipeline to start sampling the goods. Dude, I start having booked on the show. I know I've had guys on the show that I'm like, I want. Yeah. Yeah. Why aren't you booking hot dudes that you want to bang? Look here, we're about to go into camp for the Jets and the Giants. OK.

They're all in the area. Just tell your producer like first of all, bring up the fucking roster so you can see like what they look like. It's brilliant. And then see the rookies back. Oh, bring in this 21 year old fucking. Oh, totally yoked guy with money who fucking buy you dinner and just sample them, you know.

Oh, my God, that's such a good idea. And they're going to be like show business. Wow, these mics are crazy. Yeah, they they'll be very enticed by the whole thing. Totally going to go up there. Oh, it's such a big deal. You're right. Yeah, I can look really cool and totally.

I'm going to start doing that. Like you have your world. I have my world and they'll be like, oh, yeah, I got a train, baby. You're like, I got to go. It's so funny because my co-host Tom Takar like knows when I'm bringing in a guy that I'm just into like he's just like, but you like you got it. Yeah, I got it.

Of course you got it. Yes, but it's mended that they would be so creepy and everyone would hate them and talk about it. But like they do it anyway. They do anyway. So you just do it under the. David Letterman used to flirt all the time with women on a show. I know, definitely.

One of the things he did. But it was kind of charming. It was. Okay. Yeah, that's a great idea. By the way, so I wanted to show you this is the guy that was in our class. Can you read this first sense? Wait, hold on, let me put out my glasses.

We got a P. I'll be right back. Michael McIntyre is an English comedian, actor and TV presenter in 2012. He was reported to be the highest gross comedian in the world. In the world. That was your new faces guy? Yes. Well, he did new faces with us.

Five years after hanging out with us, he was the highest gross. Who is he? Dude, this is him. And hold on. Let me show you this. How is it? Does it have the, uh, he did other. Okay.

Yeah. Look, look, look, look. In 2009, two years after new faces, he performed to 500,000 people just in the UK. On a record breaking six nights at Wembley arena and four at the O2 arena. Oh my God. That's insane. That's 50,000 people a night. That is insane.

In 2012, his UK tour included 71 arena dates, 700,000 people. How is someone like this? 10 nights at the O2. The O2 is like where you two play. Yeah. And he made 21 million pounds, which is like, let's say close, closer to 40 million dollars. Oh my God. Yeah.

This guy's like Kevin Hart. Yeah. I had no, I remember, I found out about this a couple of years ago. So I was like, oh, there was this guy who was annoying. He was backstage. He was annoying. And we were like, were you fucking relaxed? He was annoying.

Yeah. And he ended up being, and then they, like if you, when you look up his stuff, it's like, has him performing for the royal family and just wild shit. This is insane that this, like this is what makes me realize that fame doesn't mean fucking anything because like, how can this person be so famous? I have no, and I'm tuned in, I'm plugged in and I have no idea who he is. It's, and it's really weird when it's in comedy. Cause sometimes, you know, I'll pull up, I don't know, some Twitter, Instagram thing.

And then it'll be like, uh, something, you know, Zendaya. Fuck Zendaya. And then you go to it and it's like 19 million followers. You're like, I can't believe I don't know somebody that. Yeah. In comedy to have somebody that you're like, I do this. I'm in this world and I don't know this guy. I had to try to find his name.

Oh, I cannot believe those stats. It's crazy. That's real. It is like Kevin Hart shit. It is. Yeah. And I was, and I feel like he probably just does the UK. Yeah.

This guy probably never comes over here. Do you, would you be happy doing that? Like, like just being famous in like one small country or like, I mean, like, I wouldn't want to do, I mean, he's British and he's doing it at home. I wouldn't want to be the US guy that's in one part of the world. Cause I like being in the States. Yeah. That's what I mean though.

Like, but I guess we can't, we just can't relate to what it feels like to want to be American famous. Cause that's what they do. They do want that. Yeah. That's true. The whole globe. I mean, well they used to.

That's true. Now we're kind of a joke. But it do realize that like we're becoming like a, like we used to want to be us. And now it's turning the other way where it's like that one. Where it's like that wacky nation. It's turning. Yeah. It's definitely.

I didn't realize that. I'm like, oh yeah, we're not like cool anymore. No, it's, it's every, I don't know. It's every day. It's a little, it's a little weirder. And I, I've said this before on, on this podcast is like, there comes a point where I don't feel like I'm in it. I feel like I'm just an observer of what's going on.

Yeah. I've, I've taken that. Yeah. I'm just like this wild shit man. So. I was just, yeah, I, I, I don't march. I don't do, I don't do enough. I don't call congressmen.

I've done it before, but like I'm not, I'm not doing it currently. Yeah. We're talking about the world. Yeah. And just like whatever. I tell you, since we got kids too, especially I don't give a fuck about the world. I used to really care. Wait a second.

That's what everyone says you start caring about the world. No, I don't give a shit. I give a shitty even less. Yeah. I used to care when I was single and I had free time in here in the thinking part. And I would like think about issues and women stuff. And I'm like, I don't have fucking time. I'm just trying to keep people alive.

Yes. Just trying to make sure there's groceries. Uh, maybe I'll think about a joke, a bit, maybe something on Twitter, but for the most part, I'm more apathetic now. That is interesting. Yeah. All I think about are actually his ways to keep my son away from people and just shelter him from the horrible world.

Oh God. I don't want to change it. I don't want to also change it. That's for younger people. Yes. You're trying to work on him. You're trying to send him to private school. Yeah.

It really becomes your whole life though. Just insulating him. I have like an insecurity about not having interesting hobbies, you know, because you see people doing all these cool things and you're like, I want to do cool things, but I don't know which cool thing I want to do. What can I get involved in? And then it's like, well, I have this career that I have to put time into. And then, you know, you tour and all this and you do spots and then there's this and

then you go, uh, that eats up a huge portion of time and energy. And then you're like, what, what else do I do? It's like, well, you sleep. You're like, well, my family, I have this wife and soon to be two kids. So that consumes a certain amount of time. And it's like, well, when am I going to get into fucking skydiving? You know, like, I don't know. Yeah.

That's it. There's no time for racquetball in your life. I work out. And then I basically figured out that I like cars. Yeah. That's cool. That means something. Yeah.

That's my interest. That's a fucking hobby. It is a hobby. But then, you know what? Your kids will be old and a blank, like they'll be 10 or 11 or 12 and they'll be off with their friends and you can relax and you can jack your dick all day on your fucking yacht and do whatever you want to do on your golf course or whatever. But like, what's the goal?

Like you has this, I feel like this life is my goal, like your house and like this suburban dreams. It seems like you guys are like kind of killing it. Like what more could you want? Like what more do you want? Literally, I'm asking you, like what more do you want? What could you see yourself like you want to be able to send your kid to private school? Yeah.

No, I like, like even career wise, this is it. Like I've done, I feel like I'm at a level. I'm so content. Yes. Like you don't just want to do stand up. You don't want like to be like, you'd like maybe a little bit more like, what, what more do we want? Like do we want more fame?

Do we want more people liking us so we can sell out more and make more money to maybe a little more, a little more, a little more ticket sales. But then that means more money. So obviously you want more money. So what do you want more money for? More money is fan. Here's what money is great for, freedom, choices, options. That's all it is.

I don't need, I don't need a handbag. I don't give a fuck about stuff. Well, what's something that you can think of right now, but like so college education and your child's free college summers in Tahiti. Yeah. Vacations. That's all I want is to be able to afford food, vacations, take care of the people I love.

Yeah. Like medical stuff, like never having to think about like, oh my God, I have a cavity. I can't afford to get that taken care of. Yeah. Like just having your needs met and not having to worry about money, I think is success. But then I'm never going to think about money as success. But then, but is there a cap on that though? No.

Is there a cap? I don't think there ever is. There isn't a cap. And here's the thing that happens. The more that you experience and achieve success wise, the more that the taste is there for wanting more of it and enjoying it. And you get, you get roped into, it's basically a competitive part of you comes alive because you realize you're here and you always know, and I've found this to be true for people

at every level. Sometimes you don't realize it, but I've had the conversations and I know they all are aware that you go, what did I do? I sold 5,000 tickets in this thing. That's cool. Yeah. And then you know that somebody sold 8,000 tickets. And then you think about that person as the next rung of success, they are aware of who

sold 12,000 tickets. Yeah, never has. It becomes this, never has. Never ends until you're Michael McIntyre selling out the O2 Arena 10 to the world. They don't chill either. I mean, Ted and Hart is the least chilling guy who should be just coasting, right? And he's like, I got to do this. I got my app.

Well, that's why they got that far is because it's never going to be enough. And I just want it to be enough at some point. I want, like rolling up here and like, first of all, I showed up at Bert's house and I'm like, I want this life. And then I show up here. I'm like, there's a little bit more room. I'm like, I want that. You guys don't have chickens, which I would have liked, but I'm like, no, this is what

I want. It's a little more tucked away. It's like more spread out. There's like, I just was walking up and I go, yeah, I just want a gate where someone goes, who is it? And then it just opens and your friend walks in and sees you. We want a moat. We want to even more get away.

But here's the thing though, because I have the same thought and I go, the one thing that I, and I don't think I'm like really torn by this and falling apart, but I do want, I feel like I would really love to be at that point where I'm enjoying what I'm doing. Like I do enjoy it, but that I'm not like, how can I make this better more? You know, you will never be that way, Tom. I don't think you will. To make it more. Sorry.

Why aren't we doing, you know, moving up in the, in whatever, God, it's got to be enough at some point. It has to. When's it enough? I, that's what I'm saying. You know what my game is now is more, not more, more, but I want long, long. I'm trying to think of ways to lengthen what we can do. Oh yeah.

Of course. I want, I want to do stand up like, you know, George Burns when he's like a hundred fucking years old. Yeah. Or Don Rickles. I would have that longevity of longevity is that what you, what you like really strive for and respect the most because once you have some, you know, you experienced some success, you're like, Oh my God, this person's been doing that for 25 years.

Yeah. How do they do that? I think about that all the time. That's my game. I also think it's good that like our success has come incrementally slow and steady. Not the rocket ship thing. Yeah. You have the kind of success where people go, you know what?

You deserve this. Do you hear that a lot? People love to say that and it's almost like a little bit insulting. Like, yeah, yeah. Like they're like, you've worked hard enough to like actually get this. I've heard that a lot too, where I'm like, okay, I get what you're saying. I say it to people too, but like, I think they're meaning like you've been around and you've done the work.

Yeah. You deserve that. But isn't there something revolting about the comic who doesn't do the work and then they get this bump in there and then everyone fucking hates them and they all know. But I always tell people when that, when that person is coming up and everyone's talking shit about them, I go, unless they're talented, it won't last. Exactly. So don't worry about it.

Don't waste your breath on these people. But the thing is, and this is circling back to like why comedians probably don't want to date me is like, I'm not going anywhere. I will be doing this the rest of my life because I do have an insatiable hunger for this career and what I want to be. And the fulfillment and the success. And I'm addicted to it. And you are too.

We are never, we'll know each other, you, us three will be running into each other as long as we live. Of course. Because we are never going to retire. No. Isn't that insane? No. Wait, I just had a random thought and I have to share it before it leaves my brain.

Go. Because I have a human sucking life out of me. I will never forget. We were at some fucking dog shit contest in Michigan, Dr. Granz or some fucking dog shit. That was a devastating weekend for me. What the fuck? Well, hold on. Before you say anything, I will now, and I had this comes in my head every time I'm

in the shower and I'm washing my asshole and you go, and you, you were telling some joke and you go, and I had these butt hairs in my hand and they were like Daddy long legs. Oh yeah. Yeah. It was a joke and I can't remember the joke. I talk about, I talk about shaving my asshole and like, or like, you know, when you shave your vagina, you can be like, I always, I think the joke was like, I can never show

like enough restraint to not just bick it all. Like I'm always like, I'll leave a little and then it's like cutting your bangs where you just keep going. And then you're like, I have some spiky bullshit hanging because I couldn't just have any, with, with your vagina, you start in the front and then you go, I'll get the middle and then pretty soon you're doing the back, which when you do the back, you, it's, it's so easy and it doesn't hurt as much. You can just kind of your butt.

I've done it. I've done it. You just go scrape, scrape, done. And then you look at the thing and you're like, how are these so long? Did I sit on a nest of Daddy long legs? That was the last. That's what it is. They're just like these long, scraggly hairs back there.

And then. Isn't that an apt, I mean, I don't know if men's butt hair is the same, but that's exactly what they look like. Yes. Yeah. It's been in my head for like a decade. Oh, you do? Just like.

It's horrendous. His asshole, everything is horrendous. Peter. Peter. Horrendous. I was in eighth grade and I was spending, I forget his last name, Peter of Fritz with an S and as you know, we're just being dickheads and I turn around and I bent over and I spread my ass cheeks.

Right. Oh my God. And I turn around and he goes, do you sometimes just shit hair? He's like, that is the most. So hairy. Yeah. It really is. It still is.

Cause every now and then he'll bend over and spread it to like try to horrify me and I'm like, it's been 15 years. Like I'm not faced. And you won't even put a finger in there. No. No. Because it's too hot. It's too gamey.

I'm terrified. There's so much hair. Like does it. If you have diarrhea, does it get like stuck? I can't even imagine. Like do you have to do, you have whites for sure. We have. We have bidets.

We have bidets. So I just pressed the button. But your whole life though, has it just been like scraping shit? It's a mess. It is a mess. Is it like Nutella? It'd be like if I took frosting and just rubbed it in your head and I was like, here's a piece of tissue.

Get it out. Like that. Oh no. Yeah. You'd be like, I keep wiping my head, but it's still there. I'd be like, no shit. It's a lot of hair on your head. But the bidets, the only thing that's helped.

No. The bidet is the best thing ever. Yeah. You got to get this. Get a washlet. It's like if I put it on your toilet. I mean, you just have a warm stream. Yeah.

Just endless. I was just talking about this because I like anal sex and like. Oh my God. She was big into this. I remember this. Yeah. I do like it. And you know, it's not like something.

I remember you said, without planning, you're like, I like the random. Just go for it. I don't like it random, but sometimes like when I'm having like kind of BDSM type sex with my ex-boyfriend where he'd be like, you're going to do this now. Like he could go like, I'm going to fuck you in the ass. And I'd be like, uh, no, I don't think you should. Like he knew when my note was like, no, this isn't a good time. And then he would back down.

But sometimes they'd be like, no, I don't know. And sometimes they'd be like, we'll see. Cause we, we got to the point where I shit on him a couple of times. Like it. Yeah. It happens. Yeah. You're like fucking grow up, man.

And so he knew the risk. And so if he wanted to, I'd be like, okay, well, let's see. And then yeah. Maybe the baguette knew this, you know, the baguette was like, the bag, I would never let the baguette eff me in the ass. I don't know why I've just suddenly become clean. Um, I would not anytime sit. Like I'd need to be in a committed trusting relationship.

Cause that's really, that is exactly what you need. Commit, commitment and trust to let someone in your, in your butthole. Yeah. It's really, it's like the, it's, it's next level. Like that's why I love it. It's like so insane to be like, you're in my ass right now. Like we would sometimes like look at each other during it. Like I'm disgusting.

It's kind of fun. I don't know if I can't, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. It's so afraid of it, Nikki. I'm so afraid of my butthole. Yeah, if you're not, like my whole point is though, and I do a whole bit about this and my dumb act, but like it doesn't hurt. Like it hurts as much as like a good shit feels.

And like I'm talking about a good shit where you're like, yes. Like those like orgasmic shits. That's the way it feels. It's great. But I don't like shitting that much. I think I have, I think she's like, no, I like talking about shitting. I like, here's why I don't. I don't enjoy shitting because it's a, it's a relief from the pain

of having to shit. No, so relief isn't the same as joy in my opinion. It's just relief. Okay. That's a good point. Yeah. Hold on. You're not in this camera. I'm so sorry, guys.

Sorry. No, it's our bad. It's relief from suffering. Therefore, it's not just pure joy. Yeah. Now burping. I like, I enjoy farts. But those, there's like once a month, don't you get that shit that makes your eyes cross and your toes curl?

And there's like, there's an orgasm feeling to it. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like I don't know that everyone has. Yes, you do. I know what you're talking about, sister. I definitely know. Where I, if I could bottle it, I would do, I would have that shit every day because it literally is hitting whatever you're, it's hitting a G spot.

And there's like, there's nerves that are stimulated. Yeah. And you kind of sit and think about it afterwards. You're like, that was something. But can I ask you an all real talk? I mean, look, Tom and I are very open with each other. But I would be afraid of shitting on his dick and balls. I think that that might be a real.

I think that that, but that's. I'm a little, I'm weird. I'm weirded out. I think that's the main thing. I think we need to talk about that more than anything because I think a lot of girls will say, I don't want to do it because it hurts. And I'm like, you're just scared of shitting on someone.

And that's okay because that is the truth. And it's terrifying. And guess what? It will happen if you do it enough. And there's two ways it can go. When I shit on my boy from the first time that we, that I shit on him and we had done it a couple of times before then and I thought I was like, I guess I don't do it.

It goes away for some reason for me when I have anal sex. Like I, I was lucky and I got cocky. And then one time we were doing it and it was devastating. It was like, I was like, I was just starting to fall in love with him. We're like getting this relationship off the ground and I shit on this guy. Can you tell me how much shit we're talking about? Not a lot.

Not a lot. A little kind of falls out. Like, you know, like, no, because I don't know from his angle, but from what I can experience, it's like when you, like, if I go to wipe after it's happened, it's like a first wipe after a pretty clean shit. You know, just like a little bit, like clean shit.

You know what I mean? Like it's just a little, there's lube involved. So it's like made it a little bit more, but it's not like dark shit. It wasn't a big log with mounds. It's Santorum. It's Santorum. Yes, it's exactly that.

It's just, it's a little brown swirled in with lube. Yes, but sometimes there can be a little bit more and it can like, it... Is it chunky or is it like Nutella? I think it's different kinds. Like it's happened to me enough that like, there's been different, there's never been a whole log. On that first one though,

when you noticed like when it's apparent, is he out of you? I didn't notice, I didn't notice first he did because it just felt good to me because it felt like shitting. You know, sex feels like shitting. So the whole time I think I'm shitting. I just assume I'm shitting.

I don't like that. And I don't, that would make me feel very out of control. The whole time I'd be like, oh my God, am I shitting? Am I shitting? Am I shitting? That's what makes it kind of fun. I don't like that. I don't know, I...

See, that's what I don't, I don't... I would love to not worry about shitting. I don't know if that is kind of the fun of it, but... Take me back to this magic moment. Okay, so he is behind me. I'm on the bed like, and I remember he just, he stops, there's a scent. That's where you first know.

And it's not even like shit. I swear to God, there's just like, it's just... You know, it's like, smells like sex, but like a little bit grosser. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're paralyzed with fear, are you like... But I wasn't like, oh, that smells like shit. That's me, like, if anything, it was just like,

that's a weird different smell that I haven't smelled before. And then, and then he's, when he stops, that's when it's like, uh-oh. Because I think he, like, when this has happened, they try to keep going and maybe get over it, you know? And maybe just come and call tonight. But the smell won't let me.

But like, they're just grossed out as they should be because there's shit on their dick or the condom or whatever you're using. And he stopped and I remember he said, glaze. He called me glaze, because he goes up, there's been an incident. I think he said, there's been an incident. And I was like, oh no.

And he's like, it's totally fine. And this, and I love, this is where I fell in love with him because he was so nice to me. I was like, my apples smell, huh? Exactly, that's what I said. Yeah. And so I just remember him being like, it's okay, it's okay, and I'm like, and this is a guy

who doesn't like poop jokes, doesn't like fart jokes, like doesn't really toilet humor, like really made him uncomfortable. Who are these people? He just grew up in a house where it just wasn't okay. And so he, he just didn't like it. So I thought, this is the end of us. He's seen me shit, he's never gonna speak to me again. So I wind up in his shower, just like in there traumatized.

I literally was like, I gotta kill myself. Like I can't see him again. Like this is off, like I have to like sneak out of here somehow. And I remember he came into this, like after a couple of minutes he came and he was like, hey, are you okay? And I was like, I am so embarrassed. I can't even like, I can't look at you. And he just like held me and was like, listen,

you play with fire, you're gonna get burned. I know that. And he was like, listen, we signed up for this. And I was like, thank you for that. That was the nicest thing you could say in this moment because it took some respect. He took some responsibility as well, which was really meant a lot to me.

And then I went back to it. We went back to his room and I was like, what am I gonna find there? He had changed it. Everything had been changed. Like nothing happened. And we never talked about it again until like the next time it happened and the next time it out.

Like every single time though, he just handled it so perfectly and didn't make me feel gross or weird. And still was into doing it again down the line. What a gentleman. He was a gentleman. Now, how about that night? Was he like, hey, this dick's not gonna come on its own? Like, are you gonna fucking...

I think we were done. I think he was probably done. Like if he would have been down, I'm always down. So... Jesus, Tom. He's worried about the organ. That's of course what I was thinking about. Yeah.

Wait, can I ask you one other medical kind of question though? Fuck my stoma. Doesn't the poop juice then kind of go into your vat? Like would that be kind of an infection concern? Yeah, that's why you clean up. But I mean like doesn't poop juice when you're shitting kind of maybe creep down to your vat? Not with a bidet.

That's the thing is I... But you didn't have a bidet your whole life. No, but I wipe, you wipe front to back. Yes. So you get the poop who goes away from your vat. So like, so say there's some poop juice in your vat. You just like go after sex. You go to the washroom.

Basically you have to shower after is what you're saying. You don't want to just go about your day. Now does it widen or loosen your asshole? That's another concern of mine. No, no, no, no, no. It does not at all. And that would be a huge concern of mine. Not in any way.

It hasn't affected your dutes so that you make... Nope, nope, nope. There's just been some come in there sometimes. Because that comes out of your bow. Because yeah, it's in there and it doesn't... See, because my understanding is that the anus is different than the vagina. Like a vagina, you can put a human out of you

and then the muscles are such that they come back. But in your asshole... She's also not doing anal every day. No, it is definitely special. But you're right. Like, I could see that second time. Yeah, I mean, does it tear? I'm just concerned that the muscles won't come back.

When the thing is, you don't do it like you'd use a lot of lube and generally your asshole, like I find it relaxes if you're like already coming another way. Like if you're already turned on down there, like you've seen enough porn where girls are gaping, you get it. You want a production? Just put it in there and quit debating.

Okay. Quit debating. That's our favorite clip. He's like quit debating. Just put it in there and shit. Fucking do it already. So, I got an idea for... For Nikki is, you know, she's looking for

the right place to meet a guy. What about joining a whole new group of people, seeing if you can meet somebody cool there? You know? Addicted to Pony Play. I hate these type of people. Pony Play allows me to indulge in the pretend play that all of us came to know and love as a child

and it's kind of taboo as an adult. All of us? What if a man of your dreams is doing this right now? There's no way. It could be. There is no way would I ever... I need to watch this immediately. Oh, yeah.

I'm going to go tell her aunt right now. Why? Why? Why? No one needs to tell her aunt. I've never been like, I got to tell my aunt that. That I butt for whatever. We're always talking about this, how just fucking do it and don't tell anybody. Don't tell anybody.

Like there's like, I got to come out, tell my dad that I'm bi. Why? He doesn't need to know. He's 70. He doesn't need to know. Yeah. He doesn't know how you come or what makes you come.

My God. It's so hilarious. In case you were wondering about what makes me come, it's guys and girls. And I like when their pits smell. It's when I get the hardest. Your dad's like, that's nice. I'm going to have a Diet Coke.

What the fuck, man? Stop telling him that shit. Well, it's because of snowflake culture. Everybody needs to be proud of themselves right now. That is such a good point. Like none of these people need to know. They never need to know. But everybody has to feel good about themselves now.

Right? Everyone's got to celebrate whatever we are there into. Yep. That's just be weird and shut the fuck up about it. Right now. Like good old days. Be weird on your fucking own. No, don't tell everybody.

Why is my chair sinking? Oh, because I might be broken. That was funny. That was like a ghost. Like it is weird. I think you have to stand up to. I don't mind it. I like being looking at you.

I'm fine. Oh, my God. Let's see how the aunts react. She looks super upset about it. What did she think this was going to be? Oh, fucking Christ. Wow. When Nicole came around the corner,

I was thinking holy cow, holy horse shit. I thought it looked pretty ridiculous. Oh, God. You know, I'm into role play. This is basically just the next step in the evolution for me. Okay. Wow. Why does your aunt of all people need to know your role play?

Your aunt? Yeah, she doesn't need to know. That's the main thing is that she absolutely doesn't need to know. I just wanted you to be aware that this is kind of what I do and then it's part of my life. Okay. It's like looking at the Joker. Wow.

When I'm actually engaging in it, I wear a bit as well. And these are real stainless steel bits that are designed for horses. Well, thanks for telling me. Like, why are you telling her? This is like a mindset. Wow. I probably will need your help a little bit getting this on. Oh, that's why I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I'm going to have to move your mane. This looks painful. Looks like a torture chamber. Nicole, does she get wet from doing this? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay.

Can she like orgasm from like being in that or out in the stables? God, I would love if something that easy, I could come that easily. It'd be great, right? Just like for me, I feel like, wait, this isn't easy. I know, but that's easier than what I'm doing. I am like, all I have is masturbation right now and it is not working. It's elaborate for you. Oh, I'm a one man band.

I have three different toys and none of them are working anymore. I'm like, that's why the other night I was like, I just need to have sex. Like I give up. Yeah. You need a human at some point. And the bag that didn't come through. Yeah. But don't you sense that this bitch over here is telling her aunt to get a reaction from the

yes, she's doing it too. It's like, it's almost vindictive. Like, like here, here, look at what I do. And here's the bit and the aunt is being cool about it. And she's like, well, this is how I am. And the aunt's like, okay, that's fine. She's like, but you're like, you got to know that this is like me. This is me.

Yeah. Except you. Yeah. She's like, okay. As you notice, she started with the aunt because, you know, the parents are not going to have the same like, yeah, I need to help you with your main and move it out of the way. That's why she went to the aunt first. What is this show?

My Strange Addiction. Is that what it is or My Strange? This is from where it is. Yeah. It's Pony Play, the newest. My Strange Addiction probably because it's addicted to Pony Play. I mean, these shows are so incredible. The addicted things, the girls that like eat.

I see it in a different gate. Spanish pork, a high step. She's talking with her. Like this. Oh, there's also a trot. She's trotting for her aunt. That face. Oh, my God.

You know, right now, like that face is like, I remember when she was seven and I told her that I'd bring her a gift the next day because I had forgotten to buy her a birthday. And it was a My Little Pony. Yeah. And I set her on this course. It's all me. How did I ruin my name? We're obsessed with the show Lost in Transition, which we were talking about.

What's that? Oh, my God. It's a TLC show. A little about people transitioning to genders. You jump in in a relationship where like, you know, they've been together 20 years, have kids, and then the guy's like, I'm a woman. And the woman's like, I'm sorry, what? And then you go through the transition.

It is so fascinating that like, I can't stop. I cannot stop. TLC makes some good shit. And I will be checking that show out. Is it really emotional? Yeah. Yeah. It's good.

It's really well done. It's a lot of fat people stuff too. Like fat and old. Oh, yeah. They have, they have a golden. Fat and little. No, not transition. They have other shows like, I'm fat and black.

I'm fat. Oh, like The Six Hundred Pound Life. Isn't that Annie? Is that TLC? No, that's TLC too. I was a, I love that show. What a sad fucking show that was. Their skin show, I only could only watch one of.

They have a show just about skin surgery. Just about skin surgery from people who've already lost like three, four, five hundred pounds. And you see like crazy skin stuff going on. It's, it's a tough watch, but it was. My friend had that skin surgery done and she's like, and she's a super hot lady and no guy ever sees it coming. And she has to like give a talk to them before they get naked.

And I'm like, you got to stop with this talk. Has she done the skin surgery? Yeah. She has a, she has a seam running up her leg all through her crotch down her other leg, like an inseam. She was huge. Yeah. Yeah.

And she lost like over a hundred pounds and is like a smoking hot babe now. And you would never, ever know. And she tells them, how do they react pretty well? Always well, always well. But she's always like a little bit nervous to give the talk. And I was like, you can stop giving that talk. I feel like guy, like she was like, I think they see it and they wonder. And it's like, well, then have them ask, like, what are they going to go?

Like, yeah, that's true. I don't know. I don't, what do you feel like would you, if you were about to hook up with a girl and you got her clothes off and she has crazy ass scars? Would you say something? Would you be like, why didn't she say something? No, I think, I think I would, I mean, it's almost like she's at that point being like, do you want to bring?

I guess if it's, it's really about her. If, if, or a guy, I mean, like the same with us. I think you should tell just cause then you take the shock out of the moment. Like, hey, dude, I have this weird thing. Well, I think guys with micro penises should give a heads up. Yeah. For sure. I don't think they do.

I don't, I don't know any story of any friend of mine who's ever encountered one where the guy's been like, Hey, I'm just going to let you know. It's like, why not do that? Because you had one. Not a micro penis, just a very small petite penis in college. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know.

Did you get a heads up? You didn't get a heads up. But I don't know if they're necessarily aware of how small they are. Well, the micro penis knows. They have to be. Yeah. They have to know. If I had like a crazy big vagina, I guess that's what a micro penis would.

I feel like maybe they crazy, crazy big dongs should probably say something too. Right? Yes. Yes. Like they're like, just so you know, it could rearrange the whole way. Everything works for you. I feel like you should get people heads up on everything. Like I got really saggy tits.

Yeah. Don't get too excited when you see the bra come off. It's not that great. This thing going, that thing going. Yeah. I'm trying to think if I had a fucked up pus in some way, like if I would warm the guy. Yeah, right? I think I would, I would say something if my dong was extreme in any way.

I think so. I used to think my vagina was. I'd be so nervous that it's going to be the deal breaker that I'd, it's like, she's putting out, pointing out that scar because she's has some insecurity about it. And she's like, look, let's just put it out of the way right now, which I think is a very kind of nice thing that I think it's, I think it is nice, but I feel like I don't know that it's necessary, but I would probably do it too. Now that I think about it, but like,

what if you had a crazy badge? Like I used to think my vagina was like fucking disgusting because I have like, I don't have one of those like little petite, like I have labia, like I have visible fucking labia and it's not like a nightmare, which I've seen some like I've done enough searches where it's like, it can be worse, or quote unquote worse, whatever you want to, but, but I definitely don't have a porn little paper cut of a pussy. It's like, there's things down.

It's meaty. Yeah. Yes. It's meaty. And I used to like, it's why I didn't have sex till I was 21. Like I was terrified that a guy would touch it and be like, throw up on me and be like, you're disgusting. Tell us.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Because do you want to know why how it started? Dane Cook, harmful, harmful if swallowed does a bit about going down on girl with long labia. And he says it's like getting caught in the stage curtains of his high school. It's a funny bit. Yeah. And and everyone in the audience like like it killed and it was the first time that

I was like, wait a second. What, what is he talking about? And then I kind of looked into it and I was like, oh, I'm disgusting and people would laugh at me and guys would talk about me. Dane Cook. I've talked to him about this bit because I wrote a piece up for Cosmo about my vagina and how I used to hate it. And I came to like accept it, not love it, but be like, oh, this is what it is.

And I've never had a complaint. You clean it and you share it with people in their psyched. But, but Dane like reached out to me after I like, cause I called him out in the thing being like, it was the first time that I realized, oh, I have a disgusting vagina. According to some men, you know, you hear like roast beef, whatever. And girls fucking hate themselves because of these jokes that are being made and they're getting surgery that I was saving up for to get my labia cut off. It's called labiaplasty.

It is one of the most common surgeries. What's it called? When it's elective surgeries that you can get and young girls are doing it because it's porn. There's no, there's no vaginas like ours in porn or like, so I hated mine forever. And I really did think that like a guy would see it and be like, and like run away. And then one of the things you learn, you know, you don't learn it very young and it's what young people will need to hear, especially young women, guys don't care.

They don't care. Dane will fuck. Anything. They're talking about your pussy like negatively or calling you roast beef, whatever. It's like they hate themselves or they're gay. Yeah. Or they are mad that you're not giving it to them again. Yes.

Yes. Guys will do anything. They don't give a shit. And here we are worried about our weight, what our vagas look like. Fuck your armpits. Fuck your back of your knees. They don't care. They care.

They don't. I know. They'll keep fucking you from whence you shit. I know. Okay. From where you poo poo. Yes. And they'll go back for more after you shit on them.

I really wish like instead of trying to make women more confident, be confident, be, it's like, no, no, no. Just explain to them very gently that guys are dopes. Like why are I'm worried about me? Fuck you. Yes. It's just silly. It's all backwards.

It really is. They should be. The ants final thoughts. Sure. I don't know. Over. It just seems very unnatural, you know, when it's in your face. It's just really unnatural.

It's one word. There you go. It's unnatural. Look at her. She's looking at her. Look at your fucking knees. She's like. She's like, look at me, mom.

No worries. I'm proud to have come out as polyamorous and now I'm excited to share that I'm bisexual. Great. Okay. I get it. Polyamory. Yeah. It's one of our old school guys.

Oh my God. So I want to, before we go, I just wanted to make sure everybody knows. You can see, you can listen to Nikki four days a week or is it? Four days a week. Monday through Thursday. What is it? You up? You up.

You up? On Serious. If you have Serious, you can listen to you up every morning from 10 to 12 East Coast on Channel 95, Comedy Central Radio. You got the great window for a comic to be up. Oh, it's so good. That's why I moved to New York because I was going to do it here in LA from seven to nine. And you moved just for this.

Literally just so I could wake up three hours later. Yeah. Literally. It's a life changer though. But we also have a podcast. If you don't have Serious, you can listen to the U.S. podcast and sample the Serious show and get a good taste of it. However, I highly recommend getting Serious X.

I do too. I have the app on my iPhone as Tom knows I listened to all kinds of stuff. There's so many great channels. You get so much and I'm always selling it and people are like, oh, you're a corporate girl. I'm like, no, I still pay for Serious. And I've paid for Serious since I was a broke college student and I wanted Opie and Anthony and then when Howard, then I got into Howard Stern and I literally only subscribed for

Howard Stern. But then you get all these other channels that are like the music stuff is good. I'm now the voice of DMB radio. Hey. Channel three. Listen to DMB radio. Dave Matthews Band Radio. Whoa.

I had to like learn how to do voiceover. It was fun. Sounds like you're a professional. Thank you. I think channel 33. The old school 80s style. Oh, yeah. Dark wave on Sunday night.

What about Backspin? I'm not into that shit. That's 45. That's yours. So many channels though. But like Howard Stern. Stop it. Don't even talk about it.

I mean, I love him so much. I love him so much. Like so much. A little trivia for you. That's the first stock I bought because I thought I was, you know, really figuring like when I was. Good job. Do you still have it?

Yeah. Good job. How's it going? It did fine. Big, you know. Yeah. You still invest? Yeah.

That's fun. I bought stock today. Hey, that's a hobby. Sorry. There's a Beatles channel too. Yeah. There is a Beatles channel. That's cool.

Yeah. It's good shit. You invest, right? You have a. I do, but I like don't pay attention to what he does with money. Oh yeah. But you have, I mean, you have a retirement account. Yeah.

Yeah. But it's. But do you like look at the trades and make conscious choices? I mean, that's a hobby. Yeah. It's a hobby. You're right. It's a hobby.

You do. But I know what you're talking about. Like a. A hobby where you like make things. Yeah. Or you like are working in a shop and with tools or. That's a lot on sitcoms. Tommy.

No, I want to, I mean, like I've always kind of had an interest in photography. So I'm like, I should pursue that more. But then I never do. What are you going to take pictures? I don't know. There's already pictures of everything that means to be. That's the best answer to I like photography ever. There's already pictures of fucking everything.

When people take pictures like in New York of like the statue of Liberty, I'm like, go Google it. I'm like, every angle has been covered of this. You're not doing anything new. Why do you need this? Well, there goes my dream. And that's just how it ends. I'll figure out another one at some point.

At some point. So you up is a. You can catch a laser four days a week on Sirius channel. Ninety five. And I'm on the road a ton and you can find my tour dates at Nikki laser.com. And I think that's it. And you're going to be doing the commisensual roast of Bruce Willis that will. I maybe it will.

I don't know when this will air or when that will air, but yes, that is coming up at the end of August. You guys got him to do it. Such a big. July. I know it was. I think it was they were looking for someone for a while and luckily they got someone huge, huge.

When they got Rob Lowe, I was like, what? I have to like pull up his wiki. But like Bruce is like a big name and Edward Norton's on the dais. Like it's like crazy. It's going to be. It's going to be good. Yeah. All right.

Can't wait to get called a horse face whore for a whole night. Your pussy's loose. Your buttholes loose. Maybe they'll go to your butthole this time. I would love it. Knowing me. I would love it. That was always Lisa Lampinelli's role was to be before I remember it was like she was

the token whore. Your fat, your pussy stinks. Fucking black guys. And I'm like poor Lisa and she had to sit there and clap and laugh like it was the funniest thing she'd ever heard in her life. I am fat. Thanks. Oh my God.

You're so right. Yeah. And she's so talented. And then the second she gets a little bit too old, like the way a man can age and still be on TV. They don't invite her back. Right. We're talking about this yesterday.

And thank God they don't because I fill her role now. Oh no. It's your turn. Yeah. And then I will get to be 40 something and they will retire me. 35 is retirement age. Isn't it? God, it's so disgusting.

Bring it. Fuck you. All of you men in charge of keeping women on and off TV, fuck you. Hey, that's what podcasting is for. It really is. And radio. I'm retiring into radio. Great.

It's great. No makeup, no hair, even though I have to now wear that stuff because hot guys are coming in studio and I'm a third stupid bitch. No, I just got you on the athlete train. Yeah. I want full reports on how this goes. Oh, you're a little matchmaker over there. I'm going to let you know.

It's going to be good. I'll tell you what. I'll bring up the roster for you here in a second. You can make your pick. I love it. Try it out by Jim Kay. We'll take us out. Thank you guys for listening.

Thank you, Nicky. We'll see you next week. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I need to be fucked a lot. I need to be fucked a lot. Fuck me.

Fuck fuck. Fuck this up. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck fuck. Fuck me. I'm on the know. Fuck me.

Fuck fuck. Fuck this up. Fuck me. Fuck fuck. Fuck me. I'm on the know. You see me when I come up today. Try it out, try it out, man.

Run my goals and try it out. I'm on the know today. Try it out, try it out, man. You see me when I come up today. Try it out, try it out, man. You see my noles and try it out. Run fuck this up. You see me when I come up today.

Try it out, try it out, man. You see me when I come up today. Try it out, try it out, man. You see my noles and try it out. run fuck this up. You see my noles and try it out. Leave my noles and try it out. Run fuck this up.

Leave my noles and try it out. Run fuck this up. Leave my noles and try it out, man. Get every free food, free grain. Run fuck this up. Get every free food, free grain. Fuck you. Get every free food, free grain.

Try it out, man. Fuck you. Get every free food, free grain. Try it out, man. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. I want hiding from my trash,

come down with this fuck.