Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 461-Brad Williams-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 15, 2018

Nothing quite like a real dad losing his mind over a mediocre joke. You should know if you listen to this show that Tommy was raised by a hardcore dad boner who can barely finish a sentence if he's struck by his own "hilarious" thought. We may have found some competition for Top Dog this week. PLUS, if you are a lady or a ZER do you want a man/zim to treat you like the perfect little princess that you are? Gross. And why do all those girls talk like that, Britttany?!? We are joined in studio by the great Brad Williams a hilarious comic and friend of ours. We break down some hooker sales pitches, guess what FGT RTD means, read your emails and hear Brad's great stories about the lamest stuff he hears from people about being a little person.  This one is a certified denim classic!

This is lifted, produced by Symmatics. Yeah. I just threw that in there, I just want to let you know that they didn't put that in Um, really big things coming out. I have a huge, huge thing coming, a huge boner coming next month or so. Um, I can't even get into the, uh, look it's the biggest thing I've ever done. What? Yeah, yeah, but you have to go to my tour page, sign up for the mailing list, because

I won't be announcing it. I'll only be doing it via mail at first, and then later on, you can, um, hear about it, but it'll be a special thing. Just letting you know, there's a prompt when you go to the tour page and you put in your email address. Just letting you know, uh, Gene, that added show at Breastballs Beach is almost gone. So if you didn't get a chance to get tickets to Friday or Saturday, I'm doing one Sunday, August 26th, at Breastballs Beach, at the improv there. The, uh, second show in Montclair, the one I added on Wednesday, November 14th is more than half gone. So it's not going to be around much longer. The third show in Philadelphia that was added is also coming up at about half capacity, and that

is November, uh, I believe the 17th, I think? Uh, yeah, 17th. So you want to get them now, tomcigarette.com slash tour. There's a couple other cities, um, that still have some tickets left, uh, Fartgo, no, uh, not Fartgo, but, um, Fresno, Fresno, uh, has some tickets left, Bakersfield, very few tickets left in the second show in Eugene, and I think Boy's The Seed, Idaho, Balsacramento, they're all at tomcigarette.com slash tour. Gene? Gene, um, November 24th, I'm in Man Diego, California at the House of Brews, and then, uh, December 7th in Filler, of Delphia. Come see me there. And then the 8th, I'm, I added a 1030 show in Jewdork Titties at the Gramercy Theater. First show is going, it's sold out. So get your tickets if you

live in, uh, any of those places. There you go. Christina P., online. There you go, Gene. Online. Gene, there's a lot of fun stuff to cover. We have so many things. You have a great guest coming as well. Oh, I'm Gene's. Oh, I'm Gene's. It's going to be a lot of fun. Get it? Did you see what I did there? I did. Oh, I'm Gene's.

And I don't know if you noticed, but I'm wearing the exact same jacket that's in this promo picture. Oh yeah. I could have been wearing the same shirt, almost. Um, okay. You ready to do it? I am. Make sure, yep, we're all set. Here we go. Here, here, here, here you go. Oh, my God. The bear walks into a restaurant and says, I like a grill.

I'm like, what? A grill. Geez. Okay. All right. Tenor says, uh, what's with the big, what's with the what? This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Christina.

Welcome to your mom's house. Oh, man. This made me laugh. Brought back a lot of memories, actually. Of your dad. Yeah, of course. Don't you feel like you'll never know that type of joy? I've thought, why can't I be like this? Well, I mean, I wish I knew this, this feeling. Yeah. Like just laughing at stuff that's so not funny.

I mean, it's just super joyful. He's super joyful, right? He's so joyful. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. It's like multiple joys. Yeah.

That's joy. I mean, it's a, it's not like multiple choice to question. You sound, are you okay? I'm so funny. I can't believe I'm laughing at that. The best part about that, by the way, that is my dad laughing at his own thought, like his own joke. Right.

He goes to answers multiple choice. That guy is reading a joke book. Like a dog corny. Yeah. He's having, like there's an ultimate dad boner. Don't you wish the bar was super low on humor for us like that? Oh my God. Can we just laugh all the time?

I wish I could walk on stage and just fucking do this. I know. Look at this guy. Hold myself. All right. Pull the other. Bear walks into a restaurant and says, I like. Aw.

Can't even get through that. So sweet. Bear walks into a restaurant and says, I like a grill. I'm like, what? A grilled cheese. All right. Tender says, what's with the big? What's with the what?

Can't even say it. What if, what if he's a real POS in real life and he beats a shit out of his wife and kids? Look how much you like that. I know it makes you laugh. He's sick. Fuck. Look how happy that made you. You're so fucked in your head.

No, you know, maybe really hard was that thing I was telling you about. No, no, I don't, no push. No. Because I was having this conversation in the green room in Brea a couple of weeks ago. Josh Potter's with me and one of the servers to came in and she, we were, the TV was on. The tiger was playing and started talking about like, remember his, how, how fucking on top of the world he was. Then we started talking about how tiger.

Tiger. I have a fucking dumb name as tiger. I know. I mean, I know it's been said a few times, but you hear it and you're like, okay. Well. That's Brennan Shob's son's name is tiger. No, it's not. It is.

No, it's not. Yes, it is. Sorry, Brennan. It's a great name. And in this case, it's a nickname in Brennan's. It's his real name. Oh, it's a great name. Did I say it?

So, uh, so when tiger was on top of the world, it's like just how on top of it he was. And then he, he had all these hoes on the side, like so many hoes, right? And we were just talking about, you know, imagine, but just like how backed up he was, or how, what he was repressing to act out in the way he was acting out. Text like, I can't wait to throw fucking. That's so weird. Crazy stuff because he was a pretty buttoned up. He is a pretty buttoned up guy.

Well, yeah. I mean, golf in general, like that, that image is real straight. Right. You can't be like, I'm going to throw the shit out of this whore right now. No. I mean, John Daly was the only guy who was openly like that. But I mean, he also had like some real problems and he also was never nearly as good as tigers. Like that best thing we've ever seen.

Yeah. Just dominant started at like two years. Yeah. Yeah. And he was dominant though. Every week in this thing, because a lot of big, big time golfers, they'll have, you know, a few big wins in their career where they're competing every week, but like, you know, having like all these majors like week after week, just, just crushing people.

Anyway, we're talking about this about imagine then being one of those girls and, you know, he's throwing you cash on the side and some of them are cool with the arrangement. Some of them probably like a lot of times with these things start to get like, how come I like the main girl, you know? Oh yeah. And he, he had too many going on too. Yeah. Well, no one wants to be second or third place.

Not real. And he's just like, don't fucking make eye contact if you see me in the hotel. Like he, cause he had those like arrangements. Like, I know, you know, he would arrange the hotel through one of his buddies or, you know, his handlers, but also it was like, you know, make sure no one, you don't approach me in the lobby. Okay. Cause he's tiger.

Yeah. But it makes sense if you're the hoe, like that's your job is to be. Yeah. If you're a good hoe, you're supposed to be like, of course. Yeah. See you there. But what happened was, I think he started to get some of them were like, wow, you know, and they're also around somebody who's so like so famous and so rich.

Yeah. I think they start, some of them started to get like, I want, I want more. Where's my stuff? Yeah. I want some stuff. I want some stuff too. Yeah. Other well-known people.

I know where this is going. Like OJ. It's like not even, like, I know, I know why. Imagine OJ, you know, approaching you now and being like, Hey, how are you doing, sweetie? And you're like, hi. Like if I'm 20 years old and don't, and 1994 never happened. Yeah. I was like born in 96 or 2000.

But what was the other girl? Casey, Casey Anderson. What was her name? No, and I know you're talking about him, but I don't. Yeah. Yeah. She's a real sicko too. Yeah.

What's her fucking name? Casey Anderson. It's like Casey. Oh, shit, man. I got no bandwidth for this stuff anymore. I don't follow these psychos like you do. I don't have as much interest if you will. Casey.

Casey Anthony. Anthony. Casey Anthony. So now she, just drinking water guys. Yeah. That's what I do. She was found not guilty, right? Sure.

But a lot of people, I don't know. A lot of people, wait, was she's dead? Casey Anthony's dead. No, she's not dead, right? I don't know. No, no, no. Okay. She was charged and she was, I think she was found not guilty.

Yeah. It was found like the verdict was greeted with public outrage. But anyways, people fucking love, some people like love this woman and they really, you know, like she's, she's cuter than I guess, you know, most people you find charged with crimes like that. Right. You know, Eileen, Eileen. Warnos.

Warnos. Crazy as shit. Like imagine. Right. She's like a cute mom. Yeah. She's like cute. Yeah.

So imagine, let's see if, if there's, is there 2018 images of her now? Oh boy. Yeah. Prison doesn't, well, she's not in prison. Oh, look at her. She's hot. Looks good. She looks great.

But imagine like, like this one right here, this picture of her, you meet her, you go out on a date with her, right? Maybe you meet her at the vet's office. See? She's carrying her dog, groomer here. And you're like, Oh, I got a dog too. And you go out with Casey, you go out on a date. Yeah.

And you have a great time on your date. And then you have drinks afterwards and you're back at her place. Yeah. You start making out, things start to go further. And then she unbuckles your pants. She goes down on you and she starts giving you the blowjob of blowjobs. Right. I mean, she's spitting on your balls.

Right. She's gagging on your dong. She's licking under your balls, like kind of toying with your asshole. And you're like, wow. And then like every time you're like, then she goes, spits back on her. She's doing all types of her tricks. You're like, this is crazy. You're not expecting it to be like this.

And then as you get your inching towards your organ, you're like, oh my God, your eyes are rolling back to the back of your head. Yeah. And just as you come, like you're like, oh my God. And you start coming. She goes, I killed my fucking daughter. And you're like, ah, kind of ruins your orgasm. Yeah.

That is funny, Tom. You know how you're laughing right now with that is how like the dad boners laughing. I know. That's your version of a lighthearted dad joke. It is Casey Anthony confessing to murdering her kid during a blow job. God, you're so sick. Imagine OJ, like OJ's banging. That one makes me laugh.

Maybe because I'm a mother and I don't want to hear about. Yeah, I know. It's horrible. So can we change it to a girlfriend killing or wife killing? Okay. So OJ's on top of you. Yeah. Okay.

That one's funny. He's taking you to Poundtown. Yeah. And you're like, Jesus, this guy for bad hips and knees, he can really. And do I know his history or am I? I guess you're like, well, he was not guilty. Some of your friends are like, you're going with OJ. And you're like, he's nice.

He's not guilty. And then he takes you like a nice restaurant. And then he takes you to like, he drives past Brentwood and he's like, I used to live here, but things have been kind of rough. Does he still have the Bronco or is it? No, no, but he's got like a, like a different white truck. It's similar. Similar.

Similar. And he drives you to like a kind of an East Hollywood apartment. You're like, uh-huh. Okay. He's like, Brent was overrated, you know? Yeah. And then he takes you up there, starts like, doing like, just kind of grown, like you're kind of young.

He's doing grown man tricks on you, you know, like just advanced moves, like kind of Rocco stuff. Like maybe he's, you know what I mean? Like pinching your tits a little harder than you thought. Yeah. Yeah. Tom. And then he starts pinching my tits.

Kind of hard. Is that, that's your varsity sexual? Well, it is when it comes from like an older guy. Ew. Like that German guy we play who's like, suck on this mask. He wants to watch as you make me dry. That is an older pervert thing. Yeah.

It's an older perp. You got to up the ante when you're in your fifties and sixties, right? Yeah. Yeah. His nipples need to be. So, okay. Here we go. He goes down on you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He kills it. You're just begging for it. He gets into you. He starts just railing you and you're like, oh my God. And as you approach, you're like, oh my God, this is going to be the orgasm of my life. You start, you start orgasming and then he, he leans into your ear and you're like, yes, baby.

Yes. And he's like, I slip both of them. You're like, oh my God. Yeah. That's an interesting story. It's a neat idea. It's a neat idea. You're like trying to stop orgasming.

You're like, oh my God. Like I, yeah. I mean, I don't know that this is such a funny idea that I'm wiping tears the way you are. I'm not sure it's a tear wiper. Like I see kind of why technically it's funny, but it's not, it doesn't get me the way. Well, this is my version of these guys joke. Right. So, you want to finish that guy's joke?

Okay. Yeah. Let's see what the bear says. The bartender says. He has to get clear walks into a restaurant and says, I like a grilled cheese. What's with the big pause? The bartender ask. I'm a bear.

That's the joke. It doesn't even have a double meaning. He's buzzing. Did you get that? Yeah. I have a grilled cheese. You get it? I get it.

I've heard it. It's with the big pause. Yeah. Oh, you know what? Maybe he didn't tell the joke. Right. I would like a grilled cheese. What's with the big pause?

I'm a bear. Pause, P-A-U-S-E, P-A-W-S. Is that the joke? Cause I'm like, wait, that's not even a joke. Right. So he said, I'll have a grilled cheese. Right. But he didn't tell the joke properly.

Right. That's exactly what my dad would do. Exactly. Right. He would miss the point of the joke. The whole timing of it. Yeah. What joy.

God. Remember when we called my dad and we did some angry jokes and stuff? Oh my God. I love it. I love those jokes. Oh my God, a whole bunch of jokes. Okay. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?

I don't know. There's a whiteout all over the monitor. Oh my God. I got one for you, too. Okay. Go ahead. Go ahead. So this blonde is sitting at a bar in Chicago watching one of these bars where they had

the TV behind the bar and there's some guy up on the ledge getting ready to jump. So this guy sits down next to her and he says to her. It's too early already. This is the six o'clock news. And he says, I bet you he jumps. And the blonde says, I bet you drink. He doesn't. And all of a sudden the guy jumps.

And so the guy, the blonde says, I guess you owe you $20. And he said no. But that was for a drink. He really can't take the money because I saw it on the five o'clock news. And the blonde says, so did I, but I thought you might change his mind. I think that's hilarious. It's so poorly told. Well, it's too wordy.

The setup was too convoluted. And then he's like, he's like, and this is a six o'clock news. No, it has to be like, okay, a blonde and a guy were sitting at the bar watching the six o'clock news. Yeah. Or you can leave out the time and then have the punch be like, I saw the fight. Like the implied earlier time. Right.

There's a lot of ways to tell that joke efficiently. He did not. Um, you know what's funny about your father is that he, um, he's kind of an old school kind of dude. And he loves to point out that I'm a woman constantly. Oh yeah. Like, um, you know, Christina, we were watching your special on Netflix. And I think what people like the most is that you're a woman telling these jokes, saying

these things. All right. Like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So any loves to make fun of me being blonde and Californian loves it. Loves it. Yeah.

This, this, I mean, this shit is just, oh my God. See, I think Casey Anthony, OJ stuff is way funnier. Right. Try to try it on a crowd to see if they think it's funnier. I think we'll get feedback just from this. No, I know. A million, a million psychos are going to write in and say how wrong I am and how brilliant that is.

I know. I know. I know how wrong you are. Oh yeah. They always side with psychopath Tom, Christina is just the square. She doesn't get it. Tom's, Tom's right. That's where your whole psycho squad of, of people, you know, these are the same derelicts

who buy these shirts that I don't think are great. Do you want to know something amazing? This is, this is how good God is. God is good. All the time. I am too blessed to be stressed. Oh, how good is God right now? This was completely unplanned.

She had no idea. None. I didn't tell her about it. I didn't prep you on this. No. You just bring that up. Added to the store. Oh.

Less than an hour ago. Oh, what is it this time? The piss on me, beat me shirt featuring my face with your mouth open and some tears. Um, Jesus, Tom, this is a presale right now. This is the image that was on my Instagram that did so well that we, uh, everyone was like, put this on a shirt. I was like, okay. So great.

Yeah. This was, uh, well, I wonder how many people are going to want piss on me and beat me with a bearded guy's mouth open on their chest, but you know, who am I to judge that kind of a thing? X H H creative X is a 22 year old artist who made this. Um, by the way, I also, it's not for sale. Yeah. But I also sent the design to our sock guy.

So hopefully there'll be some piss on me, beat me socks. That's exciting. That's exciting. When's the FGT RTD coming? This is all you're throwing all at first, good tongue replaces that dick. Somebody feel like they cracked the code here. Hey, I cracked the FGT RTD code. Hi Hitler.

I became fascinated with the puzzle presented to the YH community. I think I have solved it. Um, I took to the streets again, walking around, pronouncing FGT RTD phonetically, making eye contact with each person I passed in hopes of assistance or inspiration. I got some dirty looks from some Zim Zerbs with blue hair. Here they thought I wasn't up to the task, but I did not let this disheartened me by the time I got home. I remembered my past relationship with a Jewish woman and drew from the letter number association

in the Hebrew language. So I made the chart of the English alphabet A to Z counting from one to 26, signing each letter a numerical value FGT RTD added together is 75. Okay. The value of the acronym YMH got me 46 and the P for Palmcast yields 57. Seeing that the sum of FGT RTD was the reverse of the sum YMH P was all the proof I needed that this was indeed a high level puzzle orchestrated by the main mommies reinvigorated. I pressed on.

I solved for the values mommy 79 and mommies 86, knowing that these would surely come into play. I saw this is all I needed to solve the riddle is crazy. So now with the number, the numerical values associated with each one, you have to solve the problem mommies minus FGT RTD equals 11, 11 is the value of P. So adding 11 to YMH gets you 68, subtracting 11 also gets you 68. Jesus Christ. Now I have demonstrated irrefutably that the relationship between FGT RTD and mommies.

Oh my gosh. Oh my God. This is a lot, you guys. Yeah. Anyway. I can't even keep waiting. I can't even keep waiting. I'm worried I'm going to do the money.

I'm going to do the design. Added the lexicon. We should have me leave it for sure. As FGT RTDs in the same vein as mommy genes. Okay. So he's saying we should just, he found the relationship between FGT RTD and mommies. And the word mommies. Okay.

Yeah. You solved it. Good job. It's not an acronym, but a word to be spoken as its own entity. Got you. I like that. We can call each other FGT RTDs. This is really great.

First good tongue. Replaces that dick. Replaces that dick. This one person said four great times rub that dick. That's what FGT RTD stands for. Sure. Burt is definitely FGT RTD. Want to go for it?

You go for it. You go for it. That guy too retarded to diet. For a good time. Right to Dean. Good. Fat girl to ride the dick. Oh.

There you go. Fuck gays and rape the deaf. I don't think so. Okay. Fuck gays and rape the deaf. Wow. But yeah. People keep, and then look at this amazing seagull FGT RTD image created by Evan.

Amazing. That's great. What's on his neck there? Is his neck fat? There's just neck fat. He's wearing one of his Asian, you know. It's a great portrait. Yeah.

His eyes and his mouth are so small. Yeah. That big fat. So fat. He's so fat. Looks good. It's a great image. Thank you, Evan.

Yeah. So, you know, we were sharing the other day was courting stories, which made me laugh. Well, speaking of fat guys losing weight or too retarded and dating. Would you ever date an R worded person? I'm sorry. What? Would you ever date an R worded person? No.

Would you? Okay. Or would you, would you hook up with an R worded? Babe. What if she's super hot? Babe. Babe. Just listen, hear me out.

What if she's so fucking hot? Everything you want. Big ol' sloppy titties, tiny ways. Babe. Badonkadonk. That'll be so retarded. No. No.

But why, but why not? Do you, I mean, is it wrong for a normal person to hook up with an R worded? Yes. Of course. Why? They need like, they like doing it too though. I know, but you have a, it's like, hook it up with a drunk person. You know, it's like you have too many advantages over them.

Like you don't know that they can say, no, you just, you're intellectually superior. You know, you, you can't do that. Okay. I mean, But what if they're super hot? Well, really it's about what level of disability someone has for this type of thing. Right? Good point.

So if somebody is, I mean, Let's see. Some, like a little bit slower than you, you could, A little slow. Well, that happens all the time. Right. In marriages, we've seen it. Sure.

We live it. And then, Then there's a, but then there's something where it's, Definitely. Yeah. It is a bit like taking advantage of an innocent. Yeah. Right.

Like a child. So what about sling blade R worded? Is that guy, Yeah. Was it? Wasn't he like grunting a lot? Yeah. Is he out of the question for dating?

I don't know. I mean, it's a character. It's a, it's a, it's a non R worded person playing. But he's not fully, He's not full R worded. No. He's, So that's the question.

Could, could, could I, Could you date sling blade? Right. That's really for you. Do you think you could? I think remembering back to that movie, I feel like he's not your type. He's not my type. What?

What about Tom Hanks in, Hey, wait a minute. What? Tom Hanks in guilt. What's the movie? The stupid one with the Jenny. Oh yeah. Stupid is stupid does dude.

She hooks up with him. They even have a kid together. Spoiler alert. How is that ethical? She hooks up with forest, forest come. That's the name of the movie. Hello. Back on my mother and father's place.

Most of my life in a little shed that my daddy built for me. It's so weird. It's a weird, isn't it? He put me up there in the house with the rest of them. So mostly I just sat around out there in the shed and looking at the ground. I didn't have no floor out there. But it had me a whole dugout to lay down in. Yeah, I don't know.

He's a problem. I think he's pretty with it. I just don't, I don't like where he's from. Like I don't want to talk about holes in the ground and stuff. You know what I mean? No, I don't think it'd be a good date. I mean, I don't think you'd have a great date.

I grew up in the San Fernando Valley. What could you do it with him? Yeah, I think he's, he's at a level of intelligence. Yeah, I don't think it's unethical. You don't know. And I love Billy Bob Thornton. I think he's so talented. You could definitely sleep with Forest Gump.

Well, that's the thing. Jenny did. Right. Aides Jenny and then they had a kid. Yeah. So you can apparently make a hit movie about it. Yeah, you, that's a good point. I forgot about your box office success after you do this.

Right. It's a win-win. Yeah. So you would sleep with Forest Gump though? I don't, I don't, he's not my type. I like the edge of a sling blade or guy more than Jenny. Jenny. Which one would you do with Forest or sling blade?

I mean, I think sling is into some rough shit personally. Yeah. Without really knowing much about him. All about whittling and. I mean, he's, I feel like he's pretty rough. Yeah. I don't think it's going to be like, I think Forest is gentle. He thinks sling blade has like anger stuff that he's repressing.

Oh yeah. It's going to come out. I mean, he'll, he'll slice your tits off. I think Forest is going to kiss your navel and. He's sweet. Hold you. Yeah. Or no, he, he was always so afraid of Jenny.

Remember, he was kind of free. Yeah. He's so innocent. I don't think, I don't, is it unethical to be with him? Apparently no. Then they made, like I said, they made a hit movie. Everyone loves the, the movie. Yeah.

Yeah. You know. That's a good, good point. What's her name? You know who's Jenny? Robin Wright Penn. Yeah. Robin Wright.

Do you think that he made her sniff her butt after like in house of cards? She made him sniff her butt. Oh, right. If Forest made her sniff his butt, be really fucking awesome. That would have been a scene that definitely stole the movie. That would have been such a better movie. Jenny, come over here. Forest, what are you doing?

He's like sniff between my, Jenny. Lots of peas and carrots. Does it smell like chocolate back there? Do you think, do you think there's sex? It probably was just sweet sex. He didn't do anything. I remember he would freeze. He kind of would just lay there and he loved you.

See, he's an innocent. He's so innocent. So why isn't that unethical though? I think it is. I think that's not cool of her, but apparently he, you know, he wanted it though. That's a thing. He really loved Jenny. Yeah.

She wanted to help him. She divergenized him, I think. Okay. Imagine this guy munching on your box. Telling you the story as he's... I don't want to hear the stories. That's a bad one. As he's going down, he stops.

Too many words already. Looks up. I don't like the words, the talking. It's so boring. So did you have anybody court you that was like this? I did actually. There was a guy, I worked with the department of public safety at the university of San Francisco and my work study job.

I worked in the parking booth. So I handed out, like I worked in one of those boxes for like four years, handing out parking. And then there was another job you could have, which was called the Charlie unit where you gave tickets to people and I refused to do that. Well, there was a kid who was way too old to be an undergrad. He was like 25 and he lived at home with his parents. And he was kind of a sling blade adjacent, if you know what I mean. Yeah.

And one time he did ask me out on a date. What'd you do? I was so stunned. I didn't, because I talked to him a lot. Like he stopped by the parking booth and I talked to him. And I was always amused by him because he was super weird and funny, you know? And I think he misinterpreted that as me being interested. Yeah.

It's a tough thing to adapt to when people are nice to you sometimes. Yeah. And I get it like with guys, especially in college, like you're just, you're hunting for that stuff. Yeah. So when you start just talking to them, we're like, oh, this is the one. Yeah. And then he, he's like, so, you know, if you ever want to go out on a date and eat dinner

and I was so stunned, I go, I don't eat. I'm such a dick. I know I was like, I don't eat. And I tried to like deflect it. You didn't mean to. No, I didn't mean, I was trying to be funny. I think at the time. I don't eat.

I know that was bad. There was one guy I went on a date with. It was a car salesman. We were 21 years old, 10 minutes into the date. He goes, I've slept with over 76 women. We were 20 years old. And I was like, I got to go. Boy, are you curious to how good he must be?

No. I don't think the way you do. I was more afraid of like diseases and stuff. I've been like, this pig is going to get down. Is that right? Well, you sleep with like street stragglers. Excuse me. Oh my God.

You're, you talk about your past. Like you, you find these women and stragglers like gutter, gutter sluts. No, I don't gutter sluts. You know, when you thought you had AIDS from and yeah, since she in your, in your act now, you just, you, you recall her so fondly all the time. Well, it's the closest that I, there's a time that I definitely thought I had AIDS the most. You're so dumb.

I mean, you had unprotected sex with a woman in Africa. Twice. Okay. Um, yeah, I think about that. Uh, but we're, we're, what's your worst suitor? Well, I mean, I had one time, uh, severely disabled person gave me a flower and asked me to be their boyfriend. That's nice.

Yeah. And I didn't know how to handle it at first. So I was volunteering at a school with, uh, like kids, you know, with disabilities. And when, when the, she gave me a, she was like, be my boyfriend. I was like, oh my God. So I went to the teacher and I was like, I don't know what to do. And she told me like, just, just tell you, you can't because you already have a girlfriend. Yeah.

Sweet. That's what I did. That's sweet. That's that, that's not, that doesn't really count. No, no. Well, no, but I mean like, What about nasty bitches? You've had like a nasty bitch.

Dude, the, okay. Oh man, this one, this is fucked up. I feel bad about this one. Kind of. So I was at a bar on sunset and this is like in my early thin days here in LA. My early thin days. Yeah. And I was just, I, you know, I did, I wasn't really a bar hopper, but I was, I happen to

be out with a friend and we're at the bar and a woman just approached me and it, here's the thing about bars is it's no joke. You know, they are dark bars at night. Yeah. Have favorable lighting. And, and beer goggles help too. But I wasn't, I wasn't, I mean, I had maybe a beer or two. I was, I wasn't fucked up.

Yeah. And she just approached me and she was like, Hey, blah, blah, blah. And like very forward. And I was like, okay. She asks me for my number. I was like, yeah, all right. Gave her my number. Had a small brief conversation and then I split and she called me like either that night or

the next day pretty quickly to set up going out Friday or Saturday. And I was like, okay, cool. And I went and I picked her up. Oh man. It was so bad. What I was seeing was so, so bad. I was, I wanted to just be like, I got a, I have a hernia. What, what was going on?

I just, I mean, who I saw, I had zero recollection of her looking like this. Yeah. It was really the lighting and yeah. She was just nasty. It was, she was, yeah. It was fucking upsetting. That's, but I mean, I was nice about it, but I was like, no, you know, What did you do?

We went to like somebody was having, somebody she knew was having a party somewhere. And I just, you know, the whole time I was like, I got to get out of this. I was trying to be like nice about it. And then I remember there was music playing. You know what I actually remember is that the party that she took me to had somebody DJing and sister Nancy Bam Bam. That's our song that you and I, but I didn't know the name of that song yet.

And I remember that at that party she took me to, I went up to the DJ. Cause I had heard the song before I go, what's the name of this song? And he told me. And then that song became something you and I bonded over early in our relationship. We love that song. Then we went back to her. No, you didn't. No, no, no.

I had to drive her back and she was like, do you want to come in? And I was like, no. She was like, do you want to just like park here? And I was like, no. Do you want to go? I was like, no, none of it. It's so horrible. Yeah.

But I was, I wasn't a dick about it, but I remember being, I mean, what, what was the thing to do there? Should I have just like at the beginning saw her and been like, oh shit. No, I mean, here's, here's where the kids today have it right with this app dating is that they, they don't commit to dinner. They don't commit to a lengthy thing. They commit to like coffee. So if you don't like that person, you got to quick out.

Like, oh, I got diarrhea. I got to go. Yeah. And that, that's the mistake. I think you, we could have preempted that whole thing of making the date potentially shorter. Yeah. That's what they do today.

It basically just stole an evening from me. Yeah. It sucks. Nothing's worse than a bad date too. And you're like. And in my fear to offend, I just stuck it out. Yeah. I didn't want to be like, I don't find you attractive.

Well, here's the thing. If you think of it in a humane fashion, like you can be kind and maybe get to know somebody and just spend the night. Yeah. I mean, I was trying to be humane, but I think she was like, well, we're on a date. And I'm like, I'm not into you. I ain't any bitch. No.

But that's true. If she can't sense that you're not vibing on her sexually. It's kind of. Didn't I tell you a couple. It's nasty. I tell you about one girl who, who, oh yeah, this was a funny one to me where we were in college and it was like junior year. And the end of the year was approaching.

Oh yeah. I was hanging out with her and we were in my dorm room and we were making out a little bit on my bed. And then I just remember getting like a shove and she's like, you're snoring. So I fell asleep on her. Like not on her, but you know, next to her flattering. Yeah. And I was like, what?

She's like, you're snoring. And I was like, I mean, yeah, it's late. Good thing she didn't marry. That's the whole lifetime of that shit. She left. And then she was going home for the summer and she was like, well, I was staying at school. So she was like, it's like four hours apart. And she goes, well, you know, here's my number or whatever.

Let's, cause we went out a couple of times, you know, let's say in touch this summer and you know, maybe see each other and I was like, yeah, cool. And then I just never texted her or called her or anything. And then in the fall she rolled around and she was like, you're an ass. Like day one. I was like, why? She didn't text call once. And I was like, I mean, see, I would have played it cool.

I would have ignored you and been like, whatever, dude. Yeah. These guys are fucking asshole. Like don't. Yeah. But my whole thing was like, I just felt nothing for her. Well, that's the thing. If a guy doesn't call.

He's not interested. He's not. Just don't. Don't. She wasn't unattractive. I was like, I just, you know, it's not, it's not your jam. Yeah. You needed a hostile, angry Hungarian.

Yeah. Yeah. The gigantic Aretha Franklin tits. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. That's right.

Special combination. I just was like, whatever. And then, I don't know, we went out like once or twice more. Oh, you did go out with her again. Yeah. But I mean, very, I mean, you know, it was like, I got. Well, you got guilted into it kind of sounds like war. I wasn't even guilted into it.

I was just. That's a dick move. Cause then girls think that you're interested. If you're like, oh, there's no one else in South Carolina. Totally. We stayed friendly. It wasn't like bad with her. It wasn't bad.

It was fine. There was one guy I dated in college who was super cute, but there was too much of a language barrier. Language barrier. He was a Spanish exchange student. Oh, you with these spics. I love them. You know me.

Come on. Puerto Ricans, Spaniards. I married a fucking Segura. Yeah. And he was so sweet and so just kind to me and wonderful, but he didn't speak enough. You're a fucking chodiso chaser. I'm sure. Yeah.

So I couldn't. I couldn't purse. We couldn't go. I just felt like I can't talk to this person. How weird is that? I can't just. I'm not a dirty slot like you were. You just hook up with every old strap.

Where was this guy from? Spain. Oh, he's from Spain. Barcelona. I think he spoke so little. You couldn't even. Yeah, it was tough. Like he, he was his first year.

You guys go out. Yeah. Yeah. We went on a date and I liked him. Like I said, his energy was great. He was sweet, super sweet, but it was, there's such a barrier culturally too. Like, you know what I mean? He was so sweet.

That's what you would have done to me. No, he was sweet guy. He's, he's still sweet. I, we still, uh, every now and then on Facebook. Oh Jesus, really? But through fucking booker, other college friends, you know, sure. It's in a group of friends.

Yeah. Yeah. Me too. I have a couple of girls that I thought were so smoking hot and sweet, but their language. I didn't say he's smoking hot. I did not say he was cute, but he wasn't smoking hot. Sure.

And you're like, you're like, I still, you know, check in on him. No, I don't. I don't. I do not. When you die, just to make sure. I do not have things lined up. He was a college friend. He became a circle of friends.

Sure. For sure. No, I think, is he married now? No, I don't know. I don't even know. I'll have to ask him. I'll have to ask him. Are you married?

Juan Jose? I try to think of other bad dates. I mean, I feel like they're all bad dates are just terrible. That's probably why I wasn't a big data. I felt, I just not good at it. Yeah. I don't like it. I have to know the person and then we.

Then you go for it. Yeah. What are you doing to me? What are you doing to me? What? Why? It's not what you guys are doing. Why?

Why would you do that? I think you earned that one. Why would you do that? I think you earned that one. For what? With your Juan Jose emails that nobody knew about. No, babe, they're not. Nobody knew about that.

You can log in to my Facebook any day and see the big exchange. Sorry. No, sorry. Please, sorry. Please. Please. Yeah. I have my headphones off.

I can only hear screaming. I didn't fucking tell you. I don't need to do it with you. No. No. I will do it with you. No. No.

No. I'm not gonna hate you. What happened? Oh, whoa. Oh, geez. That was good. That was good fun. You're nasty.

We have a great guest coming up in a little bit here. I hate you. Why do you hate me? Because I was so nasty. We have to talk about, because we were watching some show. We were watching Below Deck, and I'm not gonna put my headphones on. It's fine. I took it off.

I know you. I'm playing other clips, please. No, you're not. I know you've got, you know what you've got? What? Other barf clips lined up. No, I don't. You think I was born yesterday?

No, I don't. You think I don't know your tricks? I promise. I promise. So we're watching, nope. We're watching Below Deck. Put them back on. Nope.

Why? Because I don't trust you. I'm not gonna play anymore of that. They're dirty. No, you need to put them on, please. Dirty Latin trickster. Please. No, you're gonna do a barf clip.

I'm not gonna do a barf clip. Do you swear on our children's eyes? Yes. No, I want you to say. Children's eyes. I swear. I swear. I wouldn't say that.

I swear. Children plural. Mother of two of your children. I know. Just one, two. I swear to God, if I hear a fucking barb scene. I know. I'm not playing it.

I'm not. I'm not. We're watching Below Deck. Slowly putting them on. We're watching Below Deck. And this girl's like, there's a super. But can I tell you one thing? One of my favorite things you do is this dumb girl voice.

Yeah. It's based on your sister's. I know. There's a few favorite things you do. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Seriously. Seriously. Seriously. Seriously. Oh my God. Take your fucking scissors. Oh my God. With your pudgy fucking monkey hands.

Seriously. That's a box open. Got a hole in it. It's important by the end. Oh my God. Seriously. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Don't get our son soon. But before we do. Oh my God. You guys are so disgusting. Yeah. I got to pump my tits too. There's a super flirt guy who's flirting with all these girls.

Flirt alert. Yeah. He's flirting with every girl on there. Trying to hook up with all the girls. Yeah. He's such trash. And one of the girls is like, I don't know if you're the right guy for me. He's like, why not?

Which is because I want to be treated like a pretzel. The way my daddy treats my mother. He loves her. He waits for her. And he spoils her. That's what I'm looking for. And I'm saving myself. That's another thing.

Don't forget. Saving myself. I tell everybody just like daddy. I'm a pretzel. That's the worst thing you can do as a girl to be like, you are a princess. That is the worst. You're so special that somebody should treat you exactly the way I treat your mother. Right.

That your mother most likely bore a few of his children. Yeah. Probably raised those babies, took care of the husband for years. And you guys have been together, been through ups and downs. Yeah. Licked his bean bag, drank his cock for years. And what? Did that when things weren't great.

Yeah. And like, yeah. Yeah. I've done him a sympathy handy, you know, three weeks postpartum, still stitches, healing, milky tits. Reach underneath. Pulled down. Yeah.

Maybe throws her husband a bone because she knows it's been a long time since they've been married. Right. So you go like, oh, this is a, that, that's why, that's why she gets that's why your mom is treated so special by your dad is like, over time, yeah, the love grew into a special thing. Right. And how do you get dating that way?

Well, it's, first of all, there's nothing, there's nothing less attractive than a girl who leads with the princess card. Oh, it's so gross. I went out with a girl one time out here. I'm a fun. So she was like, I would have died a guy who misses the way I smell, misses the sound of my voice and misses like the touch of my head. And that's how that's what I would have less ships.

They like told me that a few times. It's attractive, right? Can I, can I tell you the problem with women? Are you going to best the way I smell? This is wrong. This is wrong. The reason women think this way is because of soap operas and romantic movies with a, you know, what's his name, Ryan Gosling and all this horse shit.

They fill our minds full of nonsense. Most guys aren't going to do that for you. And the guys that will are full of shit. All right. That's the problem. Total FGT RTDs don't run for the hills. If he's going thumb rings and fucking, you know, sensitive guy, forget it. Um, that's true with the princess girl, man, you're doing your daughters a disservice.

I, yeah. Tell her just be your own person and maybe try to find someone that she likes and is an equal. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. Yeah. You don't want to be relationships that are on pedestals.

It's all fucked up. Right. Cause then she's implying the power balance should be that I'm on top. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's so weird. It's very weird.

All right. And we'll be right back with a guest and of course a dental update to start that segment. There's also Mike Tyson coming Joe jumping in and I did not tell him Mike Tyson one. Yeah. I did tell an OJ. I was telling her earlier. Oh boy. Imagine if you went out with OJ on a date now.

But you didn't necessarily know everything. No, you do. You kind of know, but you're kind of like, you're willing to go out on a date with him. Yeah. And then he takes you out. You have a good time. Yeah. And then you start hooking up.

A good time. You start hooking up and as you orgasm, as it's like the orgasm of your life, he leans in and whispers in your ear, I got to cut those motherfuckers' necks. Oh my God. And then that just makes you come harder. Yeah. I guess. And you're just confused.

Wow. Now, can I only listen or watch True Crime to have like a massive orgasm? He sets you up for a fetish, I guess. Yeah. Looks like you two are kindred joke spirits. I had no idea, Brad. Do you like murder shows too? I just got into Evil Genius.

Oh, it's great. Okay. So you're into that one? It's great. Yes. I'm excited. I think it's like, I like murder shows and I like gangster shows, I think for the same reason, because I secretly want to be a gangster and a murderer.

Oh, there you go. Where it's like, but I'll never do it because it's like, you know, wrong. It's an escape. It's an escape. Yeah. Who are you murdering first? Let's talk about it. I mean, I think you got to go family members.

Certain family members. Interesting choice. I agree now. I'm on board with you. Yeah. Well, because family. Yeah. Like extended family, but like just those extended family that whenever their name pops

up on your phone, you're like, Oh, I'm about to be miserable. Yeah. That's a really good, like that's my, my whole goal in life is to be the person that when my name pops up on your phone, you don't go fuck. Yeah. I agree. That's it. That because we all have those people in our lives where that person never calls you

and goes, Hey, just wanted to say, I just saw your work and congratulations and the life and positive. Oh, my life. It's going well. Everything's fine. Like you, you just have some people in your, in your world where that is never the occurrence. It's like, all right, this phone call is going to cost me a couple thousand dollars. Yeah.

You know, and it cost me a few days off my life probably. Yeah. Yeah. Just because of the stress and all that. And, you know, and it's never just a simple fix. It's never just like, Hey, I know you have triple A. I don't have triple A. Can you call triple A and get triple? That's more like, Hey, I'm at a, I'm in a prison in Morocco and like you can't afford

to go to Morocco. I got here. Long story. You know, it's like, can you go to the state department and it's like this huge thing. There's such pain in the ass. Yeah. Do you do? Are you good at the blowing off?

Yes. It takes a skill. Yes. So you think you have to learn it though? Like you get better. What do you mean blowing off family or just friends? Yeah, everybody. Let's talk about it.

I'm teaching my wife right now because there's, because she's such an incommodator and she's such a loving, giving person. She's a good person. Yes. Yeah. She's a good person. She just wants to make everybody happy. She brought cookies over first.

She brought cookies for you guys. She did. I didn't see that. Yeah. And homemade juice. Yeah. Come on. Oh my God.

Homemade juice. So, uh, yeah. Apple ginger. We're going to clean out your colons. Great. We're all about that on this show. Yeah. When my family or friends calls up, she's like trying to be very, she's trying to be

very helpful. She's going to solve the problems. And I just, I finally to like sit her down and be like, no, you can, you can just not do that. Yeah. She's like, yeah, but then they'll, but then they'll not like me. I'm like, they already don't like you. They're already just calling you up to use you for, because they know that you're the

helpful one. Yeah. So just don't be the helpful one. That's why I'm so envious of some of the members of my family that are just complete fuck ups because it's like no one would ever call them. No one would ever call them to be like, Hey, you've been in jail three times in and out of various rehabs and you may have killed someone. Can you help me move?

Like no one would ever say that. Now, is that what you have in your family? Because Tom and I, we compare crazy. I've got a lot of alcoholism, mental illness. Yeah. We check those boxes. I think like, I think like we're playing like dysfunctional family bingo. Alcoholism.

Yes. Mental illness. Yes. Horting. Yes. Horting. Okay. What else you got?

Yeah. We got one hoarder. Now is it a level five where there's, I think Tom, how does it go if there's pathways? You're still okay. Oh yeah. Yeah. So level one is like, I like a lot of shit. Yeah.

Beanie babies I collect. Yeah. Level two is like basically clutter, a lot of clutter. Trash. Yeah. Trash starts at three. Okay. So there's just trash.

If it's like feces, floor to ceiling, but there is a pathway, if they leave a place to walk, I think that's a four, but it's still like, this person's in deep, deep, deep sleep. Right. But if you just shovel to get from one room to another. Yeah. Or if like five is like, there's like, yeah, there's rats here, but you know, they're nice.

Like that's level five where they shit, they shit and they're like, there's no plumbing here. Right. But they also don't see a problem with it. Yeah. Like an open bag and they're like, yeah, where do you shit? Like they don't even see. Yeah.

Now is that a five? Yeah. You're shitting in the toilet that no longer works. Oh yeah. And it's just piles, piles of collecting your shit. Yeah. You're just like, I can't, I, because they don't have children, they're like, I created this shit in my body and I can't get rid of.

Yeah. There was a few episodes. That's so true. I never thought of that. Matt Paxton, that's the guy's name. Yes. And he called in, we had him on like years and years ago and I met him. He's a great guy.

He was talking about the level fives and there was a couple episodes where there was a few times where he was like, this is not salvageable. Yeah. And one of them was so bad that the whole episode was just to get the person out of the house. Yeah. Commits him to leave. Yeah.

And then they burned the house down. Yeah. They turned it. Sometimes that's the only solution is you just come in with a blow torch and a bulldozer and you just like, cause what are you saving? Lots of them. You're saving important stuff. They're like, I need that.

I need my nose hair from 1987. But you think that helps them and all they do is find a new home. A new home. Yeah. And fuck that home up. Exactly the same way. Yeah. We don't have any level fives.

They would always tie together on that and also on like 600 pound shit. They'd be like, you know, like, I just eat a lot cause food tastes good and they're like, when did you start gaining weight? They're like, when my dad died and that's when you like started eating a lot more and they're like, mm-hmm. And then they're like, do you think it's probably related? And they're like, I don't know. And then trauma.

Yeah. And the same thing with the hoarders. They'll be like, my wife left me in 1973 and they're like, and when did you start hoarding? 74. Yeah. And now nothing will ever leave me again. I have my house of everything. Yeah.

That's a lot of trauma. That's how trauma works. Right. God, they should just have it because like all those shows are like on, you know, the learning channel or discovery channel or something, they should just have a shot in Freud channel. That's all the fucked up people in this world where we can go and go, okay, I'm not that bad.

Of course. That's what we watch all the time. Yeah. We watch age gap love. Age gap love is great. Have you seen that? I haven't seen it. It's on Netflix.

But just the title of it. And I'm in. It's like, I'm 60. She's 19. We're a great match. I'm always curious about that because it was that too. Yeah. It was like, I'm not, I don't drink a lot because like the whole age gap love thing, I, I was

once the youngest woman I ever dated was 20 years old and I was 29. And I dated her for like two dates and I ended it when she didn't know who Johnny Cash was. Like literally didn't know. I'm like, you know, there was a walk the line movie. I'm not even expecting you to start. That's true. Yeah. I'm like, no, I can't.

That's his dumb girl. I can't do that. And then do your Pruss. Pruss. You guys should have a conversation and dumb girl. So you say your princess. My daughter says I'm a Pruss. Oh my God.

I'm like, I just like to dress as a princess. I don't want to say I'm a princess. That's a little pretentious. But I just, I feel like a princess. You are. I identify as a princess the same way Bruce Jenner said. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

Bruce Jenner said he's a woman, but he's not really, but he is. Yeah. I'm a princess. We're both special. We're both special. That's all. I just want to find a guy. Now before we get to whether you would sleep with Forrest Gumpret out.

Okay. We jumped over. Okay. We jumped over it. Where is it? My friend just took his daughter to the dentist and she had 16 cavities. 16. And I'm like, what?

Sounds like we might be dealing with a possibly unethical dentist. Yeah. That happened to me one time. Oh, really? They're like, ah, you have 194 cavities. This is a joke because... No, it's true. But I'm going to tell you the joke though because she's like, so I told the story about

how many years ago out here I went to the dentist and... You went to a celebrity dentist. I did go to a celebrity dentist. Okay. I was working for the show Extreme Makeover. Okay. They were giving this deal out for whitening. So we, a lot of us went there and during the general exam, the dentist, not the celebrity

dentist, we got his, you know, trainees. Sure. He goes, well, you know, let's just do a general exam and then he goes, you know, you have 13 cavities. I was like, I have 13 cavities. He's like, yeah, do you want to get them filled? And I'm like, well, I don't know, man, this is kind of a lot to take in right now. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So I was like, just let me fucking think about it. And so I go to another dentist and he's like, you don't have any cavities. And I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, yeah, I never told you that was full of shit. So is this whole thing like, I have a similar story, but yeah, six months later, she's like, do you know what happened to me one time? I went to the dentist and there was like, you have 13 cavities and then I went to another

dentist and he was like, no, you don't. Okay. And I'm like, that's my story. That's what happened to me. I will tell you what happened to me. No. Because I had dental insurance for the first time in my life, asked my friend, Eric, he will, he will back up my story.

I want Eric to weigh in this. He will. I want to weigh in this. I went because I had dental insurance and I went to some scumbag who was like, you have like a lot of cavities. And then I went to my Hungarian dentist in the valley. There you go. Who's now retired.

Yeah. Again. Yeah. And he said, this guy, he's a fucking liar, a scumbag. You have no cavities. This is bullshit. Isn't that, isn't that amazing? I once saw a doctor that was supposedly like a specialist for dwarfs because we, little

people often have like respiratory problems. It's just kind of, we're, we're like pugs, you know, which is kind of, we can't breathe. So I knew that I went to see this doctor and he goes like, he, and this is a doctor. He, and this is back when I was like 10 and he goes like, Oh, you have like severe like respiratory problems. Like we need to like prep you for surgery. Like in the next, like in the next two weeks or else, or, or, or else you could die. Like in your sleep.

And he's saying this to my mom and my mom's like freaking out and she, she calls my dad and my dad's like, hold on. I got a friend. One second. We go, we go and we see the friend who's also near nose and throat doctor. And he just looks and goes, you're, you're, you're fine. I don't know what the fuck. Wow.

And like we were like prepped for surgery like the next week. And it's like, what would he have done? Just cut my throat and look in and go, man, we're good. Charge him. Like, is that like, there's people out there that do that in the dental world. It's, it's much more common. Yeah. But this kind of shit.

That's not terrifying. Yeah. That's like a whole, and it's like Brad needs a lung transplant. We're going to have to do it today. He's saying things that you can't even have. Yeah. He needs a new frontal lobe. That's the cause of the dwarfism.

He has a bad frontal lobe. So I have to replace that. Yeah. So you can just make that cash. Are you guys ready? I'm ready to do it. Let's do it. We're ready.

Scumbag. That's crazy. Yeah. But you have nice teeth and. Thank you. Yeah. Keep them. Keep them in your mouth.

Have you ever had, so you have raises, any weird dental things? Yeah. I had, I didn't lose my baby teeth for the longest time. So they had to pull 12 teeth at once. There were a lot of little people jokes associated with it. I haven't even thought about it. Yeah. I didn't lose my baby teeth or as I call them teeth.

Yeah. Yeah. So they had to yank all at once and they had to give me a lot of laughing gas. Wow. They had to yank them. Yeah. Remember how old you were? I was between the ages of eight and 12.

I had a lot of dental trauma. Oh, so you did have a lot of dental issues. Yeah. Yeah. And that is common? Not for dwarves just for me, but if you, but if you look at my dad's mouth, you're like, yeah, I get it. Does he have dad now?

He's got like, oh, like he looks like one of those, he looks like the part of the Bugs Bunny sketch where Bugs throws a grenade into his mouth and like shuts his mouth. And then just really like, yeah, that's what his mouth looks like. All fucked up. Yeah. Just all fucked up. But like they're all there, but they're all at different angles. Wow.

You know? And he's never addressed it. No. No. Why would you do that? I was saying that because we talk about dad mouth. Like just how like if you think about your dad or dad's in general, I'm talking about like dads of people our age, you're never like, oh, he's got a really nice mouth.

Kind of sticking and like, yeah, I mean, I'll run, I'll see my dad and be like, hey, you know, he's visiting and meet you for lunch and I'll just walk up to him, give him a hug. And I'm like, have you brushed your teeth today? And he's like, yeah, like it's most terrible. He's like, really? Yeah. Are you serious?

And he's like, yeah. I go, dude, eat a mint, eat something. Dude. Yeah. I think it's just his mouth. But it smells like morning mouth all the time. Like that mouth is like what your morning mouth is. It is true.

All the time. I think, I think they've just gotten the full don't give a fuck. That's it. Full. Well, could you see that with like clothes? Yeah. You know, it's like, are you, you'd be like, are you wearing that out dad? He's like, yeah, why?

I don't care. Yeah. No one's touching his dick. Yeah. Yeah. If you're trying to get someone to touch your dick, your standard of fashion, hygiene, everything is way higher. Once you're totally tapped out.

Yeah. Why would I do anything? All for these dick touches. Now, speaking of dick touches. Yeah. Forest. Okay. So we're talking about whether or not it's unethical to sleep with somebody who's not

on your mental level. We're like, well, at a certain point, obviously. Yeah. We would have. Well, judgment. Let's be specific. Right. Okay.

Mentally retarded. Right. Okay. Mentally. Cause like, all right. Cause I'm trying to think of like, not forced gum, but, but, uh, what would lead? Not sling blade. What was, uh, what's your name?

She did, uh, the movie was called the other sister. Julia Lewis. Yes. Her. Yeah. And in that movie. So she was like, yeah, she was with, she was with it. Who is it?

Julia Lewis and the other sister. Yeah. She plays like a mentally challenged woman. Right. But she's not fully, she's not like life goes on. Right. And what's it called? The other sister.

Yeah. So I, I, I think if you're in that spectrum. Yeah. Cool. Cool. You know, but once you get to the point where it's like, uh, what's like drool once for yes. Like, you know what I mean?

Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. But what about Forrest Gump? Like was, was Jenny ethical or unethical? I think, I, I think Jenny was fine.

Yeah. On the level. Yeah. But, but he's sweet and sincere. And he has genuine love for this woman. Now you could almost say that she was unethical because he loved her so much, not the actual physical part of it, but because it's like, you know, she could take advantage of him. She did take advantage of him.

I'm saying those. Yeah. Is that unethical? Yeah. I don't think in that situation it was. I think like, and that, and that's the thing, there's a, there, there, there's a spectrum and where are you on that spectrum? And like I said, if it's, if, if, if, if I don't even know what that was, that was from

the, of the other sister. Oh, that was a Giovanni Ravisi who plays the boyfriend whose movie it's, I mean, come on. It's mentally challenged people. Fucking. And it's a movie. Is this a. Is this it?

Is this opening? Is that a song? Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, that's Savage Garden. Year to year. Let's see how they're talking here. Yeah, you know.

Yeah. Yeah. I like that one song where she sings. That, yeah. Yeah. It's like. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. I mean. She's got a nice voice. She seems off. The thing is. Would you fuck this guy? I mean.

That's. Yeah. Is that wrong? Oh, he's creepy. Yeah. Yeah. See the creepy thing disturbs me more than the mental acumen. Yeah.

The guy just sounds like he'd be like, yeah, you want to get in that van? I got some, uh, I got some duct tape for you. Yeah. And we just sit down and watch episodes of 2020 together. This would not, this guy would not be giving you neck kisses. No, that's just, that's like a Lenny of from a mice and men. Yeah. Like you just think he's going to fuck the back out of something.

Yeah. Yes. Just blows out. Now, is it politically incorrect for actors to play mentally challenged people? Are we done with that? Well, see, and now, uh, there was just this article as we're recording this where someone, someone got in trouble today because they're, they're getting cast to play against the gay person and they're not gay.

Oh boy. Right. And I'm thinking like, all right. Big thing with like trans. You can't play. Yeah. The Scarlett Johansson thing. Yeah.

She tapped out of the movie. Yeah. It's like, I get that. All right. When John Wayne was playing Genghis Khan. Yeah. That was fucked up. All right.

When he was like, oh, we're going to go over there and get some Mongols. Like, yeah. All right. That's, that's wrong. When, uh, was, was it Mickey Rooney or Andy Rooney? I think Mickey Rooney was one of the Rooney guys. The, uh, he, he, he played a Chinese person and I think it was 16 candles. No, it was breakfast at Tiffany's.

Right. It was her. That was pretty. That's awful. That was horrific. And he did it with buck teeth in. Yeah. And the glasses.

Yeah. That was the me so sorry. That's where that came from. And he's like, pack the cataract. Yeah. He said cataract on the street. Yeah. Yeah.

That's bad. But like, but back then they're like, this is one of the best comedic. Fantastic. Well, I mean, yeah. Yeah. Some movies don't hold up. You know, Dumbo is the prime example, but like, yeah. So like, yeah, that is, that is completely egregious.

But when you have people like it's called acting. You're playing someone you're not. So now like, are we only allowed to have people that are like, oh, well, he's an accountant. Well, you can't get a fake accountant. Right. You need, how dare you not use an actual accountant. There's real accountants out there that can use that part.

No, it's acting. Bullshit part of it too. To me, like the Scarlett Johansson thing, which. What happened? I don't know what happened. Scarlett Johansson signed on to play this. I think it's based on a real story. Yeah.

About so a trans person, right? Yeah. And so there was this huge backlash. Like you're, you're using a cisgender woman to play this trans part. Yeah. There are plenty of trans women out there. But here's my big beef with this addition.

There's a fucking fly here. Yeah. Additionally to the, let's say, well, why can't I mean it like Brad saying it's an actor. So I get why you're saying get the authentic person to play it. How about the business side of this? Where people buy tickets to see Scarlett Johansson. Yeah.

Guess what? There is not somebody currently in the trans space. Right. Who is as big of a draw as Scarlett Johansson. And I know the argument can be, well, a good movie's a good movie. And like, they just need more opportunities like this. Okay. But the people who want to make this movie are betting on, hey, if

we can have a movie star play the part, we can recoup this investment. Yeah. That gorgeous big titted beast playing this part. Right. And I would love to see her play a trans. Yeah. That would be so interesting.

To some degree, even some people were getting mad at the rock in that tower movie. They did. Absolutely. Yeah. Because he had one leg. He, it's like, and some people are like, well, what? You couldn't find an actor who actually has one leg?

Maybe not. No. But not the rock. Right. Because the most bankable movie star on the planet right now. No. This movie would not have fucking debuted the way it did. And by the way, if you're a person and like, I'll, I'll say this

from my perspective. Okay. Because yeah, there's been times when, all right, the guy who played the dwarf in the Lord of the Rings, not a dwarf, the, all the dwarves in Snow White and the Huntsman, not dwarves. All right. They got, you know, they did on the very, the, the most recent Willy Wonka the Chalk Factory, the one with Johnny Depp.

Deep Roy is a dwarf, but they just cloned him a bunch of times and rather than using other dwarf actors. It's like, yeah, I would have an opportunity to be mad about that. But if you told me right now that like Chris Hemsworth was playing a dwarf, I'd be like, awesome. That's a great representation for my people. Yeah. So like the rock, it's like, yeah, if I wanted a representation of

the people's prosthetics, who wouldn't want to go for the rock? Because the, because the people who are missing limbs, the only famous one we know about you right now is Oscar Pristorius. He killed his wife or his girlfriend or whatever the fuck. So that's, that's what we have. That's in our minds about you. So why not? What a fucking rock.

And their defense. A lot of people who were missing limbs were super supportive of that movie. Cause I saw a couple of things and they were like, oh, it's awesome. And the rock's awesome. Representing us like that. Yes. But of course people want to get mad about everything anyway. Yeah.

I think now people have this sort of thing where, and, and, and I hate it because there are people that have legit causes to be angry, to be upset, to be offended. And I think, but right now there's some sort of weird group mentality where if you aren't offended by something, you, you, you feel like you're not included. You're like, oh my God, I'm not, I'm not part of the cool kids. All the cool kids are getting mad about this thing. It should be mad about this thing and, or you're searching for your thing,

whatever that is. And it's like, just, or you could have a coconut smile and shut the fuck up. Yeah. I think so too. It's a group think thing to get on board. People aren't really thinking. No, they just, they just want to be offended for the sake of being offended. So lame.

Speaking of your, I could raise them both make history. Your tribe, do you know that Hungary has abolished gender studies? Did I mention my tribe is the most sympathetic to everybody in the beginning of the week? We deport Albanians 24 hours from the ministry of human capacities and the ministry of justice to comment on a proposed amendment, which declares that no gender study courses can be launched in the future. All right. Wow.

You know, some people, some people move forward and they're just like, no. No, thank you. It's your career. Shit. We don't want this bullshit. In ideology, not a science. So they're going to do away with it. All right.

You know what I will say in defense of my people, they don't like what they don't like. They don't want it. Get the fuck out. Jews. Jews, Albanians, Gypsies. I love that you led with Jews. That's true.

We killed a lot of Jews. They reelected a guy who had a pretty openly anti-Semitic plot. All right. He's like, they're a problem. A lot of people are hungry. They're like, this guy makes less sense. Yeah. So true.

I mean, Jews, right? Yeah. I mean, yeah. Like we can't really talk shit in America with our current situation. But yeah, I don't. But that's what I'm saying. At least the Hungarians are open about being, you know, racist and wanting to keep everything the way they like it.

Hey, you know what though? You don't like it. Get the fuck out. I'm a fan and this is the thing that when someone takes this next statement out of context, this will end my career. Cool. Say it on our show. I love it.

Yeah. I'm a fan of someone overtly being a racist. Me? That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Just because then it's like, oh, you're racist. You suck. I should avoid you.

That's right. So like, yeah, wear your clan robes everywhere so I can be like, oh, not talking to you. Exactly. The worst is when you talk with someone and you gel with someone and your friends with someone and like, oh my God, this is a great person. And then they slip in the comment where they're like, yeah, I mean, yeah, it's great that we get to hang out here, but this place really got into shit since I started letting the blacks in.

Yeah. That's when you go, oh, that did not know that about you. And now you're shocked. Like, no, I'm a fan. If you're if you're a fucking racist, be a racist all the time so we can all just be like, okay, so be open. Yeah. So don't live in Hungary.

That's the point. Yeah. Do that. You don't like it. You know, it's like the people are like, he won't make me a cake for my gay wedding. It's like, is that the only baker in town? Yeah. There's other bakers.

Yeah. If someone was like, I'm not making a cake for your midget wedding. I'd be like, okay, I don't want to give you money. The problem now is that the logic is let me give you money. Yeah. They're fighting to give the racist money. Right. Now the logic is that I'm unhappy with what the ends, the outside doesn't match my insides.

Let's change the outside. It's like, you're never going to stop bullying. Right. You're never going to stop racism. Never. It's like trying to stop the wind. Yeah. People are fucking crazy and dumb in this world.

Yeah. What are you going to do? Because before we had Mexicans and blacks, we hated the Irish. Oh, that's true. And it's like, how could, like... The Irish. Like, we all hated the Irish at one point where they were like, ah, fucking Mahoolahan. He's the reason why I'm not successful in life.

So weird. Like, we'll find a way. There's dwarves. No joke. There's dwarves that hate other dwarves. What's that all about? Yeah. Why do they hate them?

Fuck if I know. Like, they're... Oh my God. But it's like they're... They hate on... Like, what do they say? It's just like their type of dwarfism is like, like fucked up or like they, they shouldn't receive the benefits of certain things because they're, because they're a healthier dwarf.

Like that. So it's like, oh, we need like, we need, we need funding. We need attention because we're so fucked up. He has hypocontroplasia. He's not very fucked up. So he shouldn't get anything. Like it's that kind of shit. That's nice.

Right? Yeah. So it's like, you're never going to stop this. I know. You can't. Never. You can't. You have to accept that the world is full of assholes and people that just want to

complain about everything. Yeah. Actually, I have an example of one right here. Okay. This... Well, I'll just play a moment for you and then we can talk about it. All right. Okay.

So what is she showing? Here's the setup. Okay. I heard rape at this point. This is a cafe gratitude. These are animal rights activists that are basically... Well, three of them. Yeah.

So they're talking about the fact... They were many people, so many people that they're claiming that artificial insemination of livestock is rape. Something that cafe gratitude, the vegan cafe, owners are doing on their private farm in Hawaii. So this is like the setup here. Okay. How good is your life that you have to be like out of all, you know, we got vets that

can't get the correct mental health care. We got racist things going on. We've got genocides going on in other parts of the world. And you're like, eh, I think artificially it's emitting cows. That's my hill. That's what I'm dying on. So I want to find something, man. So I would love for these protesters to hang out with some of the Black Lives Matter protesters

and just compare stories. Anything else? Or anything else. It's like, oh, you're here because you want more funding for cystic fibrosis. That's nice. You want to know what they're doing to cows? Yeah. They're artificially inseminate.

They're raping them. They're raping cows. These psychos, these three psychos right here, you know, are... Cleetus is off going, that ain't rape. I'll show you raping a cow. Sure. Exactly. Fuck it.

These three fuckers are a protest. They have a megaphone and they're yelling at cafe gratitude about they're, they're saying, you know, any type, what is it? Rape is not love. You can't compassionately rape someone. As they say that, that guy walking the dog says, Mike Tyson did, and then he said, Kobe Bryant did, and then he goes to somebody else, I think, or maybe the camera guy says, show him your chicken.

I don't know who's talking, but here's the whole thing again, and then it goes on. Oh, and there's a woman in a cow suit. Yeah, and I don't know who he's talking about with this, but here it continues. It continues. Oh boy. Did you just make a wish? Still on the mega. You, with the blue shirt.

You stop a haul. How about some jokes about raping women? I don't know. Sarah Sullivan had a few good ones. Yeah. Some dandies. A lot of female comics, actually. Yeah.

Plenty of gray rape jokes out there. There's some solid ones. Yeah. There's some good ones. He made a pretty good one. I don't know. That was pretty funny. I mean, for just a pedestrian walking by a protest.

That was solid. It's pretty good. She says, come try to rape my six foot 200 pound ass. How much more ridiculous could this be? Does it go on? You know, and I know where this is. Isn't this in Santa Monica? Venice.

You know what it is? It's like blocks from the beach. It's a nice day. The sun's shining. I know. Imagine you're like this guy, you just got off your bike or something. You're like, I'm gonna go have lunch and then someone's on a megaphone like, try to rape me.

Go to the beach, lady. Take a load off. And here's one of the people who I blame in these situations is the boyfriend or spouse whoever of these women who win because if my wife came to me and said, oh, I'm gonna go protest today. I'd be like, oh, like, cool. What? Um, what are you protesting?

Did you know that they're artificially inseminating cows and that's rape? And they, I mean, I'd be like, yeah, you're not going outside today. You're, you're, no. Just stay in bed. You're, let's just Netflix and chill today. Yeah. Let's go get some cookies. That's what Tom and I always talk about.

I started grief dancing or wearing patchouli or any of these behaviors. I'd be like, would you leave me? And he's like, of course without question. Yeah. It's crazy. That's literally, that's literally why you have a spouse love to where they can check you. Yeah.

My wife has checked me many times. I'm like, you're not wearing that. That's dumb. That's, that's a minimum level. Yes. That's, that's bare minimum. Not like a belief system where it's like, yeah, I'm going to spend a gorgeous day in Venice protesting the artificial insemination of cows.

Yelling at a vegan cafe. Yeah. It's a vegan cafe. It's, it's crazy. It's crazy. Don't you just make a rape joke. Those women sound like Vince McMahon. Yeah.

Yeah. Just make a rape joke. He's gonna puke. It's a joke. It's a rapey woman. So crazy. I want that to be my ringtone. It makes a joke.

Well, that's another thing too with these social justice warriors. It's like she's taking it out of caught. Like, do you know what I mean? He didn't say rape was good. No. He's saying like, hey, actual rapes were committed. Yeah. And you're not mad about those.

Yeah. You're mad about the cow, the fake cow rape. He's making kind of a dad joke. Yeah. It was like, I mean, it's not whatever. It's not great, but it's not. Yeah. For like a, for like a non-comedian.

He used a pop culture reference, right? Yeah. He's like, Kobe Bryant did. They still are. Everyone's still cooking careers. Yeah. In the public eye. Yeah.

Problems there. Right. I know. I know. It is kind of funny about what gets taken. Like people who get, you know, careers taken down now. Yeah. For like jokes.

And they're like, you know, Kobe Bryant. Yeah. Settled a rape chart. Yeah. Mike Tyson went to jail. Yeah. For raping someone. Yeah.

Legitimately. And people are like, ah, yeah, but. Yeah. Yeah. But they, they paid their debt to society. True. But Aziz and sorry. Yeah.

He's going down. He's throwing fuck some girl with his fingers. Oh, that's right. God, that's the most embarrassing part of that whole thing. Totally. Is the throat fucking. Yeah. Just like.

It's, it's weird what you're, what you're choosing to take down. Yeah. So arbitrary. And that, and that's what I mean. Is there, is there, there's many legitimate horrific things that are happening in this world that we should shine a spotlight on and should work to fix. And then there's this. I think because there's some stuff that's just take downable, like the Aziz on sorry

thing, it's like, that's, that's an attainable shaming goal. Whereas like the Mike Tyson and the Kobe Bryant, like you're not going to do shit, lady. Your protest doesn't matter. You want to, because Kobe could still make a, make a three. There you go. There's too much money involved. Somebody was saying, you know the make you come guy? Yeah.

I'll make you come. Yeah. How can I forget? Go ahead. Wait, I don't even know this story. I'm laughing. You know that guy. Play it for Brad.

He doesn't know the dude. I'll make you come. He wants to throw up. What's that? What's the context of that? So this guy makes videos where he, first of all, he really does a nice job of framing himself up. And he posts these.

He's a good cinematographer. At least. Yeah. He could post. He's constant. Yeah. These guys like post this a daily video where he's like, I'd like to have some pussy in my face.

And then talks about how good of a lover he is. And so we found like a bunch of his videos. Like this is him. What's he watching? I'm trying to like, oh, that's Rachel Maddow. Oh. He's mad. Oops.

They don't care about their partner. So he's like, I'm not like that. See, this is when I see this, that's when I'm like, yeah, minority report had it right. We should just be sending the van to his house. Be like, yeah, we're picking you up. I haven't done anything. You will. You're going to.

You will. You're going to do some shit. What? We're like, we're like 99.9%. We saw the video. Yeah. You're going to do something. Oh, I'll make you come.

All right. It's kind of creepy. Oh. Before I even went boom once. Before I went boom. Boom. Yeah. I doubt it's a boom.

You've dated women before. Is that the tactic to get the ladies? Well, absolutely. I just walk up to them and go, I'll make you come. I'll make you come a lot before I go boom. I really just puked in my own throat. I have that effect on. Not you.

I've done a lot of these. Okay. Just all the same. Took his teeth out for this one. They should be somebody out there who wants to hook up just for sex. I wish they could find me a rich woman. Older, younger, whatever. Older, younger, whatever.

I hope older because looking at him, you're like, yeah, you don't deserve anything. What does he deserve? He put his teeth in here. He can have anybody he wants. Oh, he's got a goatee now. He really wants you. He's got to get a soul patch for the next one. But somebody wrote in, I was watching the, oh, I'll make you come guy.

And I noticed his nose and how it's crooked as it goes towards the right side of his face. Clearly it's been broken. I'd like to think it's been broken from him talking this way to women in public and the women or her hot black eye that fucks and fucks good decided to smack him around. And this might be why he says things to his camera now. Nolan. Yeah. I mean, it might be right.

Strong theory. Yeah. Strong theory. Strong theory. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. This can't work. I mean, he can't be pulling anything, right?

No. Or there's one or two savages out there that like. Or if he does, it's like, it's like, all right. But then at the same time we say it can't work, but then there's women that date serial killers. That's true. You know what I mean? So it's like, there's nothing, nothing can really surprise me anymore. And yet there's some people that are single like good people.

I know. That's the amazing part. And this psycho is making his videos and it's always the same thing over and over and over. We'll, we'll find out that he, that he married one of the, my 600 pound life women. That'd be great. That'd be great. I just want a woman to sit on my face, challenge accepted. Let's see if you come out of this one alive.

Why would you make a video without your teeth in? That's the craziest. Because, you know, it's smoother ride. That's the craziest. Christine. It just, it also hasn't. Sorry. I thought you're doing on purpose.

No, I did on accident. Damn it. We do it on purpose sometimes. Oh really? Yeah. There's people, there's some people that have been in our lives for like more than a decade. Who are like, how's Christine? And I'm like, she's good.

Joe Diaz is calling me Christine. Well, at least I, at least I stopped myself. You did great. Yeah. But, but also good for you for not getting mad. Cause I hate those people that like they, they, their name is Brittany, but they spell it with like three T's or something. And then they get mad at you when you're like, Oh, B R I T T.

You're like, what? Yeah. Excuse me. You know that I bought three T's and brought that. There you go. I'm a princess. I'm a princess. I'm a princess.

I doubt it loves me. Um, princess. Three T's. Three T's in a heart instead of a dot before the eye. I'm a princess. This folder, I haven't seen this here, but it says, it says. Is it a bar video? No.

Fucking throttle you. God. Yeah. I don't like bar videos. Yeah. We played one earlier and she got really, oh, this says racist dog owner. So here's the deal, man. My slut wife and I recently adopted a Chihuahua puppy.

Okay. I feel like it's very important that this dog stay connected with its cultural roots. Therefore we have been teaching the dog commands in Spanish. I'm going to laugh at this. This is going to be so great. Despite not really speaking or knowing any Spanish myself friends and family think we are strange for doing this, but I strongly believe that not training a dog this way makes you a racist piece of shit.

Good point. Why should you have the right to whitewash your dog's heritage? I'd like to hear your opinions on this since Todd is half Mexican or something like that. Yeah, I know. And Christine can weigh in as well despite her opinion being tainted with white privilege. Thanks. Wow. Love the broadcast.

This is gendered. This on me beat me. I need to get fucked a lot, man. Chris. Oh, right. You fucking spit. Well, I had to say this is genius on this man's part. Yeah.

I think it's fantastic. Yeah. I mean, I think you should learn, if you have a German shepherd. They have those German shepherds that you can get that were like trained in Germany. And then they only know commands in German. Wait a minute. We have a Belgian dog. The Brussels Grafane is from Belgium.

Maybe that's why it's such a fucking stupid dog is because we're speaking it to it in the language that doesn't understand. But they speak, what, four different languages in Brussels because it's a major hub. But I mean, French is the dominant language. Clearly Betsy needs to be hearing more French. Let's try. I would love this. Let's try tonight.

Oui, oui. S'il vous plaît. Mange. I would love this. Mange mon ennui. See, but to me, that, I mean, that person's obviously being funny, right? Yeah. Okay.

Okay. I'm not talking to his dog like this. Yeah. That's me talking to a dog. That's so fun. I lose my goddamn mind. I mean, you hate the mind. But see, that's the thing is like racism without evil intent.

Yeah. Hilarious. Hilarious. Hilarious. I mean, this dog, we should, I should teach you a command to teach your, your Chihuahua. I've been watching El Chapo, the series on Netflix, which is not just in Spanish, but it's all Mexican slang. Okay.

So maybe teach your dog. Sientate Hue, like you said. Hue. Hue is like a, you know, it's like dude. Chingona. I have to eat something. Well, it's like I have your food. It's fucking good.

No. Yeah. Chingona. And then just chingatumari. You just tell them that. Yeah. That could be like when to attack someone. Yeah.

You just see someone. Chingatumari. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. And it's a Chihuahua. So it would be hilarious. Absolutely.

So you can do it as a joke. There you go. Because it's not going to be like, it's not like, if I like, I have a 70 pound pit bull. You do? Yeah. So if I said like attack, like I could legitimately like terrify someone. Jesus Christ. Is your dog trained like that?

No. Not at all. He's the sweetest thing ever. So like, he would never do it. But like, now I'm tempted to just like walk up to people and like, Diego, kill. You know, like, have someone like freak the fuck out because you would. Oh my God. I'm, I'm massive.

Yeah. He's massive. He's massive. He's the best. I mean, granted, it's me. So he's massive to me. That's right. Yeah.

That's nice. You see him and it looks like our dog. That's not massive at all. What's a saddle doing on him? I got here. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah.

We actually got the dog. My wife got the dog when I was in Houston, Texas. Oh, I wasn't even there. Really? Yeah. How long ago? This is like a month and a half ago. So you just got this.

Yeah. It's a new dog. Yeah. I mean, new dog in that it's. And his name is Diego. Yeah. Diego. And is it a rescue or?

Yeah. Yeah. They found him chained to a church in Compton. My dog stuck life. Yeah. But he's sweetest dog. And like I feel weird telling these stories because I know Bill Burr had that bit where it's like his wife got the dog got also got a pit bull while he was out.

Yeah. And then he was nervous, like coming home to the dog. But yeah. So I had to come home to the dog, like really scared because I'm like, I'm walking. So I had like my wife come out with the dog on a leash and like meet me outside the house and then I walked with the dog and then I walked the dog into the house. So it's like, I, I'm, I'm a dude. I'm taking you in.

I'm fucking alpha. And then the dog immediately got gun in the house, just turned around and then jumped on me and started like licking my face. And I'm like, all right. Love the dog. That's adorable. And it has no hostility from being. None.

It's the best. That and like when a midget walks a pit bull, everyone just goes like that's that midget knows something. Like that's a bad reality show about that. Yeah. I was on it. That's the weirdest part. What?

Yeah. Pit boss, right? The most of shorty Rossi. Oh wow. Yeah. Funny. Yeah. Yeah.

What was one of the jokes? Fuck. Some, something about he likes pit bulls cause his head looks like a pit bull testicle. I don't know. Do you find that certain cultures of people react to you differently? Like, I don't know. The same cultures that are wowed by magic. I had a, I had a joke in my act that different races resist.

Yeah. Different races respond to me. That's what I'm asking. Yeah. Yeah. And it's true where it is true, right? Yeah. Oh yeah.

So like give us some insight. Yeah. All right. And all right. I'm essentially going to do my joke, but at the same time it's real. Yeah. It's real. So, uh, white people are very like when their kid stares at me, it's it's like he's the

kid's curious. The parent is horrified. Right. And they like grab the kid's head and like violently turn the kid's head away and stuff like that. And that's, to me, that's, that's a bummer because it's like, you're, you're trying to tell the kid like this person doesn't exist. Don't, don't, don't acknowledge my favorite and if people are like, well, then what should

we do? My favorite thing ever that, that a parent did is literally walk their kid up to me and say, hello, sir, this is my son. He's not quite sure why you're smaller, but I wanted to come and say hi to you. So he, so he knows that you're, that you're just another human being and I went, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for doing that.

Cause then I got to talk to the kid and people think how was the kid, the kid, the kid was like five or six. I could have gone with the joke and be like 27, you know, but like, like, and people freak out about their kids cause they think like they think they have to make up these magical stories for their children. Like, oh, well, you know, um, he, the tooth fairy came and when the tooth fairy shrinks down teeth, they got some dust on that guy and then he like, they think that it's like, no, I literally just tell kids when they go, why are you little?

I go, all right, you, you see how that person has blond hair, you see how that person has black hair? You know, that person has no hair. Yeah. Some people are really tall. Some people are really short. That's all. And they go, okay.

And that's what you told that like five or six year old. And they go, okay. And that's all you need to tell kids is like, essentially the truth. And they go, oh yeah. Yeah. All right. And then cause that's what they want. They want the truth.

They want to learn. Yeah. They want you to get some fancy stories. So yeah. The, the, the, the white parents are always more like, uh, uh, he ain't gluten. You know, like, and then they, they, they, they like freak out, uh, Mexicans and Latinos in general say shit, but in Spanish cause then they see that I'm obviously a gringo. And so they say shit, but it's like, I, I, I know all the words for dwarf.

So it's like, I know all that shit. So when I hear those little keywords, that's, that's when I go, you know, and then my favorites are black kids. Cause they just don't give a fuck. They don't care. They don't care. I'm literally, I'm literally walking up to me and be like, what the hell is wrong with you?

It was the greatest thing and I'm just like, yes, awesome. Good for you. Dad's right behind them. Yeah. What the hell is wrong with you? I got questions. Hey, man. Why are you short as hell, man?

Yeah. Genetics. Jesus Christ. Genetics. I bought crack from that motherfucker. Like straight up like tap and like, look at him. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's your wheelhouse. Great. Yeah. That's your wheelhouse. Yeah. Say something. You have an answer for everything when it comes to that.

Do you must after your whole life? Oh, that, that, that's not what I say. But yeah, like that's when someone like does like a real basic heckle. Right. I just kind of look at him like you really think I've never heard that before. What's the thing you hear the most? Oh, like a leprechaun joke or something. This is in life or on stage?

Both. Really on stage? Oh yeah. I've gotten like, where's your butt of gold? Like, like from the stage and I go, it's at your mom's house after I paid her when I fucked her because she's all whore. Yeah. And then like everyone goes nuts.

And it's like, yeah. You think it's my first time? Yeah. You think like, oh, I'm stumped with the, with the fucking leprechaun heckle. I got nothing. Well, and then they see your act and you just, we've talked about you on this show before. I've heard. Those comics people have tweeted me and said that you guys say very nice things about

me. Of course. So thank you fucking destroy it. Like there is no following Brad Williams and I know cause I did a casino with you like many, many years ago with Jerry Bednob. Oh yeah. Like it was fucking terrible, but I mean, I ate a bag of dicks, Jerry did okay. And then you went up and I was like, there's no way this guy is going to salvage this.

And you fucking destroyed. And this is like back. This is before the specials and all this story. I think this was Sam and well, do you remember when we did a casino? Yeah. It was a calusa casino. Yeah. I've been like, do you mean, I think Jay Larson?

No. Was it Larson? Or was it? What's his name? It was Larson. Larson was there. You're right. It was Larson.

Yeah. And the guy was like, Hey Brad, what do you want these guys to do? I was like, excuse me. We're booked on the show. And he was like, what? Like, yeah, Brad's been here before. I'm like, yeah, I know, but like Brad didn't bring us. Like we got booked to do the show and he was like, so you'll do 10 and you'll do 10 and

Brad will take care of the rest. We're like, hold on a second, man. And like completely dismissive of us, like of Jay and I, he was like, I didn't tell that guy to do that. Oh, I a hundred percent. No. Okay. Okay.

I just want that to be clear. And you're also one of the nicest people. Well, that's why everybody is happy for your success. Yeah. Because when you're a dick in your success, everyone's like, yeah, you can't wait till he fucking falls in his face, but everybody is thrilled for your success because you're a good guy. Thanks, man.

Yeah. And it's been fun to watch. That was a great show. Cause like you look back at that show, you're like, oh, those are all like, yeah, back at that time we weren't, but in terms of like, they talk about like the draft class, the quarterback class of 1983 with like Jim Kelly, John Elway, like it was a great show. Like it's that, it's that kind of thing where you're like, oh, all these guys like went on to do like fucking amazing things.

Before I forget, Brad and I did the degenerates together. Yes, we did. Yeah. So that'll be coming out. Coming out in the fall. Like sometime. And I don't know if they're calling it the degenerates or not for sure, but something like that.

Yeah. It's me. You, you two. A couple other pieces of shit. I did it. Big J. Oakerson. Oakerson.

Yamanica Santers and Liza Traynor. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Traynor, sorry. Yeah. Dude, this guy though. Thank you.

This guy was like, he was constantly, he was like, Brad, you want to, you want him to do that? I was like, dude, what the fuck? He's like, well, you guys know, like you're not closing the shop. And we're like, okay. Like fine. Yeah. But you don't have to keep reminding us that he's like, yeah, this is Brad show.

What a fucker. I know. So you're going to pass the ball to Kobe, right? Like you're going to. Yeah. But then the douchebags in your audience, I mean, they have to just be eating it after, you know what I mean? Like the guy that yells at the leprechaun thing, you're like, dude, no one turns that person

and goes, great hackle, fucking great job. I mean, really. Yeah. You really made the show. But like that never happened. So what's it? Sorry. And I interrupted you because I'm curious to hear about your life too.

So what other things do people say to you that's like so lame and old? I mean, like the leprechaun thing is pretty constant. Now, now that I'm married there, we, we get questions a lot. Like strangers just walk up to me and my wife because my wife's not a dwarf. Hey, let me ask you something. Yeah. Like they've got questions. Like they, like everyone wants to know how we met.

Like everyone's just like, uh, how, how'd that happen? Like in public? Yeah. Like you can't hang out. Yeah. Cause it's like, I know what they're thinking. They're like, all right, someone ordered someone. Yeah.

You know, just like, this is a weird, yeah. So, and then, then I have to tell them and that, that freaks them out even more because how did you, I don't know how you met. We, uh, I met my wife. This is a 100% true story. I was doing a radio gig in San Francisco. Um, I didn't know anyone there. I was living in San Francisco and you were living there.

Yeah. I was living there. Very briefly. I got this rate. I did like four years in a row where I did 48 weeks on the road. I was burned out. Jesus. Someone said like, Hey, there's this radio gig in San Francisco.

Do you want to be a morning show guy? I was like, yeah, what's the money? Good. Awesome. I'll take it. So I did it just to get off the road. So to start with this show, I knew no one in San Francisco. So we played this game on the show called Tinder or Grindr, where I would flip a coin

and based on what it would land on, I would go on either a Tinder date or a Grindr date. This is how you fucking met. It gets better. So then I did, it did land on a Grindr date one time and I did go on one Grindr date with a lovely, uh, red head, uh, that we, that he insisted that we just call him ginger bear. I never got his real name, uh, and he was amazing. He was the best. I took it up or no?

Of course. Uh, yeah. I fucked him. No, it was the weirdest thing cause like we told him like, Hey, you know, Brad's not gay. Like I'm not gay. Like when that's not going to happen, this is just so I can meet people and meet friends and stuff like that.

And he's like, yeah, that's fine. And he paid for everything. And like at the end of the night, I'm like, I should probably just jerk this guy off. Like I should do something. Yeah. So, um, then a listener called in and said, okay, you guys do Tinder or Grindr, but have you ever heard of this other app, uh, called Thrender? And we're like, what the hell is that Thrender?

And they said, Oh, it's Tinder for threesome's and I'm like, well, obviously I should get on that. What? That's an app I should be on. Say it again. Uh, Tinder. It's not called Tinder anymore or it's not called Thrender anymore cause Tinder sued them.

Oh, right. So, yeah, that's what the name of the app is. And, uh, so I go, yeah, I'll go on this Thrender app. That sounds great. And, uh, I matched just for threesome's. Yeah. And well, you can go on and match with two singles. You can go on as a couple, match with a single, go on as a single match with a couple, or

you can match with another single and be like, okay, so we gel. So now let's go find the third. Uh, so I go on as a single, like, let's just baby steps. Let's go for a bit. This is for a radio bit or no, well, yeah, this is for a radio bit, but at the same time, my head, I'm like, I want to get a fucking threesome. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. Respect. Respect. Yeah. So I went on the app and, uh, I matched with a single woman and we're, and we're like, all right, cool. Let's meet and make sure we're not psychos and we met and we weren't psychos, but we work on that app strictly just for like, let's just hook up.

It's a, it's a, yeah. And then at the end of the first date, we're like, we, we, we can't hook up because this there was like something here, there was a connection. Yeah. And that's my wife. No. Yep. Two years after that, two years after that, I proposed to her.

Wow. Yeah. Met her on a threesome app. So you dirty fucking filthy hooker. Yeah. Horse slut sex app. Yeah. Ended up.

Yeah. Couple of sluts. Yep. And you ended up finding love. Yeah. How insane is that? When sluts find love. Yeah.

That's unbelievable. Yeah. It's, it's. So do you, do you tell black people this whole story? In front, in front of their children. Yes. Yeah. Let me tell you, let me tell you about the birds and the bees.

Sometimes the birds and the bees want to add a caterpillar. Yeah. That's how we met. It's an insane story. And that is, that's remarkable. Yeah. People say like, Brad, why are you like, why'd you settle down? It's just like, cause I found a hot Chinese woman that likes three ways.

What, what was I waiting for? Of course. Like what's where you're like, I'm going to hold off for something better. See better in San Francisco then. Yeah. There in San Francisco. I lasted about, not like four months on the radio show. How did you get out of the, don't you have contracts?

Yeah. I paid it off. You paid off your contract? Yeah. I was that miserable. Is it the mornings? Not even the mornings. The worst part is that when you're done with the show, you sit down and meeting after the

show. And some guy who has worked his way up to be program director tells you how to be funny. Oh. That's the thing where I, Oh, so he's like, here's what you need to be doing. Yeah. That's the part where I was literally like, I know I can't do this. I, I, I can't have someone who's never been funny in their lives.

Tell me. Tell me how, tell me how to be funny. Cause of that, cause at that time I was 12 years in. And then do you end up, do you have an agent go make the call for you? Like he's got to go. Yeah. I mean, I, I told the agent, I was like, I'm out and they're like, it's going to cost you.

I'm like, don't care. Don't care. Give me back on the road. You just write a check to them. Yeah. They're gone. And how many days a week were you doing it? Five.

Yeah. So, and it was, it was the morning show. It was 6am to 10am. Was it fun at all? No, from 6am to 10am was great. Oh, you did have fun too. On the show was fantastic. That was a lot of fun.

There were a lot of fun bits. The people that were on the show were, were really talented. And that part was amazing. It's just every other part that sucked, like afterward. And then finally getting out of all the meetings and show prep at like three o'clock. And now you're like, well, it's three o'clock. I have about two hours to do something and then I have to go to bed.

That's how long you have to be there? Well, I mean, cause after the show, then you go to a meeting and you run down the bits that work, especially as a new show. You run down the bits that work, the bits that didn't, and then you plan the show for tomorrow. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. How do you know it's a radio show?

There's no audience that you can actually hear the laughter. How do you know what worked and what did not work? Because the program director is God. Okay. Well, then that's just... That didn't work. Yeah. And that's why I was like, no, I can't, I can't do it.

Because you need a live audience. They'll tell you what's funny. Yeah. Yeah. And we had great reaction on like the phone lines. I would be calling up and be like, this is amazing. This is great. We haven't heard anything like this before.

And then like, yeah, that didn't work. That's not what you do in radio. It's like, that's a dying medium. So maybe let's not do what is done in radio. How about that's not what you fucking do in radio. You fucking do it, stupid bitch. Bitch. You fuck you.

Fuck you twice more. Okay. I would love to see two Hungarian people who know Hungarian still fight in English. Oh man. That's the best part. Your mother and queen of whores. God fucks her asshole. You fuck ass.

That's what my mom used to call my stuff. Fuck you fuck ass. She prepared me for meeting her mom. But she was like, my mom's wild. And I was like, my mom's crazy. Not my mom's like real. She's pretty nuts. And I was like, sure.

And it was like for like a month. And then we went to lunch. And she was like, hello. Like when she, she goes, hi, very nice to meet you. And she turns to Christina and she goes, I was that. Blooming deads in this fucking cunt. So I could tell you that I couldn't. I said, fuck you bitch.

And you take it back now. And I was like at a restaurant. I was like, oh my God. And then that I was so happy though. I was laughing so hard. And can I tell you that you're the first man I ever brought home that laughed that shit. And that's why we're able to be married. And I think, you know, Casey Anthony would kill her daughter.

She gave you a blow job. Right. That's true. That is the other side of this car. Yeah. Oh man. Yeah. Cause you see that and you go, oh great. That's why I'm married.

There's another broken toy like me. There you go. Fantastic. Other guys? Not so much. No one ever thought it was funny. Christine, we got an email that says, did Tina take a monster shit? Cause she looks lighter.

Mac. Did you? I think. You look like you took a big shit. That has to be one of my favorite jokes that you ever did. Where you talk about, I didn't know I was pregnant. And then you're like, I had to take, I wanted to take a shit, but it wasn't a shit. Do it, Tom.

It was a baby. That's. That's one of my favorite jokes. That show, that show is another show that should be on the shot in Florida Channel. 100%. Now did you know the other show? The other show? What's the other one?

Dude. So we watched, we got the TLC app. You got the app. You can watch for all their shows. Freak show on the road. It's all, it is, it's basically the network you're describing. Yeah. It's like fucking, you know, it's addiction.

It's hoarding. Right. I weigh 600 pounds. It's, I'm 600 pounds and I'm black. We're like, it'll be combinations of things. I'm Mormon. Yeah. I'm Mormon.

I'm Mormon and 600 pounds. And I want to marry three dwarfs. It's all these things. So anyways, we're scrolling through, we watched Lost in Transition, which is about people transitioning. Like in the middle of their marriage, like you guys are two years in and then you go, I'm a woman. Wow.

And your wife's like, what? So it's those. Okay. Anyways, we're scrolling through and we see, I still didn't know I was pregnant. Still. And we'll open that up. And this is about people who had birth, gave birth, women who gave birth, didn't know they were pregnant.

Yeah. And then a second time gave birth and didn't know they were pregnant again. I took another big shit. And I was like, fuck. Not again. Not a big shit again. I was all, fuck. That's a big shit.

I was like, what is this shit? That show is basically the plot of the hangover too. Yeah. Like this can't happen twice. It's weakened at Bernie's too. Of course. It's every horrible sequel. They're like the unbelievable situation that made the first one amazing happened again.

To not know you're pregnant, you have to be so mentally ill or so in denial. Like the brain can actually block out a lot of stuff when you're trying to not listen. Christina. Why? While you try to woman's play in this shit, let the men talk about how you know you're pregnant. Please. Paulie.

Jesus. I mean, I knew nothing. I know this fucking broad. Dumb broad. Ideas. Worried. Worried. This.

Did you imagine not knowing? I mean, you saw me at the very end. I couldn't even, I could barely walk like days before you give birth. You were ready to pop in Vegas at the special. I was eight months pregnant. Eight months. Yeah. And you were wearing this whore cowgirl outfit.

Cowgirl. How dare you? Well, you had the pink. What was that? You had the pink. Oh, sorry. I thought you meant my dress that I actually wore. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not that outfit.

Yes, they put me in. Spectacular in that outfit. Thank you. They put me in. Yeah. So it's Bachelorette party. Yeah. Yeah.

Bachelorette party. So you were in like a Brett Michaels sparkly pink cowboy hat. Yeah. We were talking about, by the way, sorry, the, you know, people who you see in public on speakerphone, they're like, hey, yeah, no, I'm, I'm going to walk in now. But what's that? And then you're like, dude, you're on speakerphone. Yeah.

And they'll have a full conversation. Yeah. And just how, you know, we should just have bullets in the back of the head. Oh, yeah. All of them. That's definitely like, I don't like that you're on board. No, I don't like. Finally.

It's weird because there, there's certain things when here's how you know a movie villain is a good villain. When it's wrong what they're doing, but in your head you go, I totally get it. Right. I totally understand it. It's a great point. So like when Thanos wants to kill half the universe and say, dude, we're fucked up. We, there's too many people and not all of them are good.

And we just have to wipe. We have to kill half the people. Of course that's wrong. Right. But dammit that I kind of want that to happen. As you start with India, where does it take, how does it take people? I'm just saying, how does it take people? What is he doing?

It's random. It's completely random. There's, there's that, there's actually an app and it's, it's stupid, but you just type your name in and then you hit enter. And then it says, you were spared by Thanos or you were killed by Thanos. I was spared just saying it. Lucky. I'd still be here.

But yeah. He's taking no prisoners though. It could be anybody. Yeah. Anybody. Wow. So yeah. You can't see something that should not happen.

You should fight to make sure that doesn't happen. But at the same time, if you're one of the ones that stays, you're like, wow, there's a lot less traffic. This is nice. This is nice. I saw this. This is my own recording. Okay.

Okay. In Starbucks where this guy was eating his breakfast for the coffee and we're all just trying to get our coffee, enjoy our morning. This motherfucker is on hold. Yeah. With Bank of America, puts it on speakerphone, puts the phone, speakerphone on the, just on the table. Right?

So it's him in the red shirt there. Okay. So we all have to listen to his old, I don't want to hear that shit, right? Just a total fucking psycho. Anyways, we talked about this. Those people exist. Or they watch their videos full volume or listen to their music at full volume. Yeah.

Dude. We went to, my wife and I went to a movie and three years ahead of us, there was a guy like on an iPad and like no headphones and like listening to videos while a movie's going on. While the movie's on? While the movie's on. Not done in previews. Just movies on.

And he busts out the iPad like. No one said anything? No. My wife threw a quarter at him. And nailed her. No. Nailed him. Wait, that's fucking really risky, right?

Yeah. But at the same time. What'd he do? He just got up and like turned around and then sat back down and closed the iPad. That's full fucking psycho. I look to my wife like I've never loved you more than this moment right now. My dad told me a story about a guy who was at a movie theater near him and put his feet up on the chair and started talking on the phone.

Nope. So my dad got a local like a sheriff walking around and was like there's a guy in there. I would tell. Making a problem. I love that. He said that the sheriff went in there and fucking knocked the guy's feet off the chair and was like get the fuck out of here. I love that so much.

Sounds like some floor to shit. I was expecting that to go horribly wrong. Like the sheriff looks at your dad and goes like you're crazy. You're going in. Oh no, no. That's awesome. See like yeah. That's when I just think and I literally think that we should develop birth control in a

spray where when you see that you should just be like that can't and just take that not permanent. It's like it's like a two week birth control. I like that. Where it's just like all right you know. Permanent. Why do. Well, I think I should be an IQ test administered.

Well, listen to this. Well, that takes away the four scum. This is what this guy said. He goes my name is Colin. Yeah. I was listening to the bit you guys recently had about people talking on phones and video calls on speaker without earphones in public. I work at regional trauma hospital.

And the other night I was working at triage patients in the ER lobby and there was a middle aged woman who kept repeatedly using the voice commands on her phone to call people and then putting the call on speakerphone and loudly talking to them. I have patients coming from motor vehicle accidents, having heart attacks, strokes, all matter of life threatening problems. And she's loudly screaming into her phone about what kind of spaghetti she's going to have that night. So I can't even hear the person in front of me.

These are the worst kinds of people. Oh my God. Congratulations on the baby. I'm sorry, Tina, but Tommy will always be the water champ. I'm all finished. I'm all done. Time for Moose Soup by Hitler's Colin from Fort Pierce. Oh, that's right.

Wow. The road for me. That is, uh, that's insane. Yeah. Like, if that's the point, like. Spaghetti. Spaghetti tonight. And this guy's like, uh, I have vitals and they're dropping.

Right. Fucking marinara sauce. What's going on, man? Can you imagine if you're like on the brink of like, they're coming to you and like saying like, Hey, um, your husband, um, do we pull the plug or not? Right. Like he's not. And all, all you hear sausage and noodles in the background.

I want some oregano. You put Reagan. You just like kill him. Fucking kill him. Slice the Parmesan. Fucking, fucking kill him. Not the pot. Not the grater.

The slice. And they're like, the husband will wake up and be like, yeah, kill me. Yeah. I don't want to live in that world. I don't want to live here. See, like, if I, like to back to your Starbucks example, if, if, if someone, if, if, if someone calls me and I'm going to Starbucks, I'll leave the Starbucks. Yes.

Yeah. That's the correct answer. I'll leave the Starbucks to take, to take that phone call. That's right. Or like just going to my corner or whatever and like be, I'm so like hypersensitive to like how my shit could ruin someone else's day. Now, but why, why these people don't like, how are you not? I don't know.

They're just not, they're just not aware of it. It's just, they're totally unaware. Yeah. Football season is approaching. Oh no. We're wondering. CTE talk. We, yeah.

Hot CTE talk. We do a lot. When does this start? The pre-season started. Yeah. So pre-season's already gone. Four, four weeks. I just finished the man cave in my house.

I'm psyched. You ready? Yeah. I got two TVs. We are talking about, you know, there's a lot of, you know what I'm saying? And we always keep track of who says, you know what I'm saying a lot. Oh man. And here we have Tom Brady in a you know interview.

Doing a lot of your notes. Oh, cool. Okay. Just as I was just walked in. Hi. Look at that cutie over there. How has being with her enhanced your life? Oh man.

Every possible way. It really has. She's just, I couldn't imagine a better partner for me in my life, what I've gone through. Okay, so. And you both grew up with siblings. I'm so far. She had five sisters and I had three sisters. Yeah.

So it's a lot of women. And you know, and it's, you know, she comes from a different country, you know. And to move to New York when she was 17 and, you know, we met each other under pretty trying circumstances, you know, like every couple worked. You know, we love each other. We support each other. And, you know, we also live in our life and we're trying to find ways to, you know, think when she's working and I'm working.

There's a lot of things happening on, but how do we always reconnect with one another? There's another one in there. But I believe, you know, like, I couldn't find a better woman to love me and support me the way she does. Here's, it's all cut together. Shout out to homeboy Mitch. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Mutual homing. Good motherfucker right there. You know what I'm saying? That's okay. No, here's the, here's the super cut. I'm mad about the setup question.

I know. Where Oprah just goes, how has she enhanced your life? Like, I shed blood every day. Here's the super cut. All right. It's a lot of women. You know, you know, you know, you know, you know, like, you know, you know, you know, like, you know.

That's a lot of you know. That's a lot. In one answer. Yeah. That's solid. I just hate those. Like when you're giving an interview and those softball questions. That's the worst.

So is your wife the best woman in the world or in the known universe? So like, you're like, really, we get a lot of, um, is it just jokes all day with YouTube? Yeah. Yes. When the baby's shitting and on our faces and we can't control it. It's just, you guys run a lot of bits by each other and like, yeah, all day, every day. All day.

We had a woman, a nurse, um, as I was pushing our second child out in our first, we had a nurse like this, who was like the jokester of the, the nurse ward. And that she came out of nowhere and she came anywhere like, and at one point I want to be like, can someone get fucking shanky out of here because there is time to joke and there's a time. And Tom and I were not joking as I was pushing out our child. Like it's not a time, dude. It's not a time at all.

It's so annoying. Yeah. The worst thing as a comedian is when you like, cause we have, uh, uh, the post office by my house has, I went there to mail a package and then they went, Hey, do I know you from somewhere? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And they go like, Oh, you're a comedian. You're a comedian.

You're a funny guy. Like, yeah, I'm a comedian. Okay. Yeah. And then they go, Richard, get over here. He's the funny guy in our office. You guys are going to love, you guys are going to get along great. I'm like, this is not a play date.

You don't set us up. And like that's the worst win. Cause then it's the worst for the other guy. I feel bad for the other guy. Cause he's like probably the funny guy around the office and it's probably good. And you'd be like, and yeah. And then I'm the professional funny guy and now he's under pressure and like, uh, shit, I gotta be funny right now.

Like we're professional comedians and we don't like it when someone says be funny right now. That's very nice of you to even think like that. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, that, that, that's gotta suck for that dude. Do you have a, can you weigh in on what you think this means? This is just an image.

Okay. What is FGT RTD? All right. Well, first of all, that is Steven Seagal. Yeah. Uh, with a tiny face and a fat head, which is pretty much how he looks now. That is pretty much. But this just like pretend he's not, pretend he's not at it.

It doesn't have anything to do with Steven. Yeah. It doesn't have anything to do with just look at that upper right. And what do you think that means? Um, yes. See it. Just go for it. This is a, this is a word that I don't, I don't think I'm allowed to say, but I think

it's trying to get me to say it. No. Like what's that? Uh, a word for gay people that's kind of derogatory. Hmm. I don't see that at all. Really? Yeah.

That's what you think this is? The top part. What about the bottom part? Uh, so it's like get rid of the words I'm not supposed to say. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Does that, does that reveal a lot of hatred in my heart?

No. That's interesting. It is like a Rorschach test for people. It is. Different people have different reactions to it. Yeah. What, what, what are the reactions have you gotten? Hmm.

Forget that, Dick. I mean, no, first good tongue replaces that dick. First good tongue replaces that dick. Yeah. Okay. That was it. And then we had. Oh, that's a T.

RTD. Yeah. No, no, it's okay. Oh, I see. Yes. I could see that too. Okay. So it would be like F, right?

So there's no answer. Is this literally just. For great times rub that dick. That was one. Fat guy. Two. Here's making these up. Related to diet.

Let's see. For a good time. Right to Dean. Fat girl to ride the dick. Huckays and rape the deaf. There's just a different. I mean, that's just the words to live by. Yeah.

Fuck. Gaze. Then rape the death. It's pretty intense. Hold on. I just got done. Fuck in the gaze. What do I do now?

Fuck. Oh, right. Okay. The death is probably my favorite interpretation. Gaze. Then rape the death. There is no right or wrong. It really is what you see.

And you know, you said, get rid of the gaze. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I saw. And that's okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what I saw. And that's okay. That's legit. Hey, that's fine. That might be Sigal's message. I can say that.

This was just submitted to us. Sure. So is that something that, is that like the new Obama hope poster? And that seems like it. Russia. Yeah. Because isn't he the ambassador of Russia? Yeah.

No, he's not the ambassador. No, he is not. He is a Russian citizen now and the Kremlin has appointed him special on like he is, it's an unpaid position for, to enhance humanitarian relations between the US and Russia. Okay. All right. But it is hilarious. Looks like he's been enhancing his relationship to tacos.

It does. He's so fat right now. He's super fat. And his hair is so dark. It's amazing. Yeah. He's, he's one of those guys where I'm sure he uses like shoe polish. Oh, yeah.

To color in. Yeah. I think we've had this woman. Jet black. Jet black. This woman has been played on our show before. Oh. Yeah.

What you do with it? What you do with it? Stuck the dick from the back on like an asshole crap. You ain't never had that. Yeah. We played her before. It's a leaning into a car. You remember?

You don't remember that? You do a bristle. Stuck the dick off the bristle and make your asshole whistle. The ending of the theme song all night long. All right. Wait, but she, she wasn't sucking a dick through a wire fence. She was saying it. She was leaning into a car.

To a car. Yeah. You're right. This is the same whore. We found her again. Could someone put a beat to that? Yes, they can. As a matter of fact.

Can someone do that? You just put it out there. Someone's gonna. Is there, is there like a remix to that? Because she was rhyming. Yeah. It's coming. You could drop a sick beat.

Yeah. I just said the word sick beat. I'm over 30. Uh, and make that one of those like viral remixes. Well, she's known to rap. She's, she's dropped this rhyme before. Yeah. She was leaning into a car.

So we've seen this woman do this rhyme. This is the second time. Suck the dick off the bristle. The bristle make you whistle. It's good. Look, it's her. I got that deep throat scrumptious point on star head where I lick the ass, lick the balls, put that dick weight on my throat, choke on the gag, on the catch and swallow

that nut. It's the best in Chicago. Now wait a minute, but this woman has teeth. The other woman. Yeah. I just, I think, I felt like the rhythm of it. Yeah. It's a good hustle.

How you doing? How you doing? She's got my tits. I got that deep throat scrumptious point on star head where I lick the ass, lick the balls, put that dick weight on my throat, choke on the gag, on the catch and swallow that nut for I have 60 hot tits. I just want to see every little one of them. I have 60.

You want 60 at all? That's on the internet. If I make sure on the street, it's 20. She does mention the asshole here too. Yeah. Yeah. Similar. It's on my licking that ass.

Doesn't it? Hmm. It's awesome. That's what they call it. Go get her. Sure it is. Good for her. Is that definitely not her?

Maybe. This woman has teeth. The other woman didn't have teeth. You know, the bristle. The different. This is different. I'm sorry. This is different.

All night long. Okay. But they both have a rhythm to their sales. Yes. Thank you. I've seen enough. Thanks. It's a good advertisement.

Yeah. Yeah. It pretty much puts it all out there. Moving along. Okay. Is there another type of lifting thing we can? No. I like to end on something like that.

Brad, thanks for coming by. Thank you so much. You got me. This is great. Oh, what's your podcast? Oh, my podcast is the About Last Night podcast. Our guest this week is Stevo. But yeah, if you go back.

Adam Ray. Yeah. With the fantastic Adam Ray. We've had Sandra Bullock on. We've had Melissa McCarthy on. We've had Bill Burr, Jim Jeffries. We have not had Tom Segura and Christina P. I have been on the show.

You have? Yes. When were you on our show? In a while. That must have been like in our first year or something. I've been on your show. Were you on our show back at the John Lovitz Club? No, I went to someone's apartment.

All right. That was Adam's. Really? Well, Brad's two for two. Clearly not a memorable episode. We've had Tom Segura apparently. Go back and find that episode. Go back and find it.

I'm going to go back and find that episode. No, I had a good time with you guys. I did too. We should have Adam on too. He's fantastic. Much prefer to have Adam on. He remembers. He is the better half.

Now you can listen to about last night. Make sure you are. He has two other specials already. Yeah, I have fun size and daddy's shoes, which are either on the show time, any time app or now on Amazon Prime Amazon Prime is an easy way to watch. Yeah for free. If you have Amazon Prime, there you go. Then degenerates coming or whatever it's going to be called on Netflix soon.

Then you can see Brad burping through his promotion. Special special. Thank you. I got a 2001 Chevrolet Suburban, you know what I'm saying? His life's work. You know what I'm saying? Thanks. You know what I'm saying?

You can also see Brad is the site, bradwilliams.com. bradwilliamscom.com for all my tour dates and information. Any dates coming up? Anything coming up? When does this come out? This comes out tomorrow. All right. It'll be this weekend.

I am at Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, Texas. Then I'm at the Ontario Improv the following weekend. I'm booked through 2019. You guys have to go and see Brad. He's very, very funny and do yourself a favor. Check him out. Live show. You will laugh a lot.

Anyways, this is Tom. Please come on our podcast. Oh yeah. I'd love to. One of these days. I'm here by Bones McKenzie going to take us out. Thank you again for coming, Brad. Thank you guys.

We'll see you guys next week. If you've had any kind of erectile disorder problems, I'm here to tell you. Forget that bag or forget about cells. Forget that dick and plants and all that stuff. If you like to see me smoke Smith with a small lip dink, watching you're harder and harder for a smoke, the harder my dick gets is unbelievable. If you want to see it, tell me, if you don't, it's okay to. I won't.

My brother's not with me, but I can't believe how big his dick was. Let me put this on the drool. First of all. It's a nice story, right? Thank you.