Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 462-Bert Kreischer-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 22, 2018

Beep! Beep! Beep! No, there isn't a dump truck backing down the street, Bert Kreischer AKA Burnt Chrysler is back and his body makes that same noise whenever he takes a step.  We are celebrating this enormous man's great, new hilarious Netflix special SECRET TIME which is available worldwide AUGUST 24.  We discuss it all with Bert and have some laughs that are too good to describe. This one is an instant denim classic.   Special thanks to Tony Celano and Eric Freedman for the amazing animation and Jake Glazier for the perfect voice overs. 

So, uh, Tom Square and I are really friends. Tom and his wife Christina made a, sort of a, hashtag on Why Is Bird So Fat, saying that I'm fatter than Tom, which is not accurate, I'm not fatter than Tom. I got a joke in front of me, it just hasn't gone away, and it's been like three weeks since all I get are bird fat on tweets, all day long. Why is bird so fat? Can anybody tell me that? Can anybody tell me that?

Endless with the Twitter attack, she got the mommies, dropping bommies on social media platforms. Timber, Chrysler, that's a nice shirt, if it wasn't so tight, sir, stuffin' like it might burst. Facing the mirror is clear, need of a diet, perspiring, you're providing in your appliances. That microwave is how you start your day, Tom and Christina say that something's gotta change, okay? Okay, you're gonna try to find a way to say that Tom's a heavier set, but we know better, you bet. Bird, you're such a nice guy, but twice as wide in. Bird, why don't you decide to shrink your size in? Bird, you're such a nice guy, but twice as wide in.

Bird, why don't you decide to shrink your size in? Bird, the thing is that nobody am real. Bird, the thing is that nobody am real. Oh man, this is one of my favorite eras. So beautiful, this song. That is MC Tightjeans back in the day, that's during the, when we really kicked off the who is fat, bird is fat. The height of our era, the bird is fat, the Tom is fat era. And I'm so excited to have him back today, it's gonna be so much fun.

And we, but we watched a special on Netflix, Secret Time, guess what, he's still fat. Yeah, oh, and for those of you wondering, how did you watch it? He doesn't know I've seen it yet either. Oh, okay. That's cause I got a screener, how did I get a screener? I'm a Hollywood movie star, I'm a television star, I'm a podcast star, I'm an international comedian. Right, a producer, director, singer, dancer. I just said I want to see this before the reg is the public seat and people were like, let me give it to you.

So that's how I saw it. You know what's interesting, that show, Insatiable on Netflix right now, getting a lot of heat for being fat shaming. Oh, great. And then there are like people wanting it to be taken down. It's so silly. I mean, I've started watching it, I'm four episodes in, I love it. Arden Mirren's in it and she's fantastic, but you know, but it's not all bad. We fat shamed Bart and for a while we got him to slim down.

Yeah, and I got fat shamed too, don't forget that part. And it was very useful, wouldn't you say it worked to your benefit? A hundred percent, yeah. And by the way, it hasn't really slowed down as much as you think it would. People comment to me pretty consistently, yeah. Yeah. Well, how do you feel about fat shaming? I mean, here's the truth.

I kind of feel like it's not good for you to be fat. So people are like, hey, we should encourage people to stay fat. Is that the thinking here? I'm totally on board with fat shaming. I am a full endorser. First of all, I've experienced it. Yeah, I'm fat right now and I shame myself over it. I know that.

I shame myself constantly. I don't believe in loving myself at my fattest. No. I don't believe in accepting myself at my fattest. And I don't want to accept you at your fattest either. So, yeah, I mean, I know there's people who are like, it's horrible. I think it's horrible to be as fat as you are. I think so too.

It's unhealthy. Yeah, stopping so fat. Stopping so fat. It's gross to look at. And yeah, you're going to die sooner. Right, and here's the thing. Over-eating is an addiction of sorts, correct? Would you agree?

Unless it is truly a glandular or truly a medical. What percentage of people are like my thyroid axis? OK, so there's a handful of people who it's a medical thing. Sure, sure. But then for the rest of us who have weight, you're just over-eating. It's an addiction. So why, you know what I'm saying?

You know you're not supposed to be that fat. You're not supposed to. But I'm saying that. So why don't we get into addiction shaming? Yet there are TV shows where we glorify shaming. Intervention, for instance, then shouldn't we say, well, we can't drug addicts shame? Isn't that?

It is a shame, and they try to embarrass them basically. That's right. So there are entire, and Hoarders, that's a show based on, that's an addiction. And if you're super happy and you're very fat, you're in denial. Yeah, you're not happy. You're not, you're not.

No, no, that's not true. You shouldn't be that fat. No. It's true. It is true. No, nor should you drink a lot more than you, than you necessarily do drugs or do anything in excess. Excess isn't good.

All the addiction is bad, dude. I'm trying to take, I mean, like I'm fat now. You're not fat. Well, I'm saying, I'm actively still trying to lose weight. Yes, as am I. I'm losing baby weight. Working out, eating better, eating right. At my absolute fattest, if you had asked me,

like, are you okay with your weight? Maybe, I don't know if publicly I would have been like, yeah, fine, if I would have had that lie going to myself. I know that privately, I definitely wouldn't have. And, you know, it's tough to accept the fat shaming at first, but then you're like, you know what? I need to hear this. I'm serious.

But it's true. And we, you know, we talk about Latin culture, how they're very over, like they call you flaca, if you're skinny or gordo, if you're a fatty. And in Hungarian culture, same thing. They will fucking tell you to your face, your fat. Dude, when I, when I would used to go to Peru, like much more often, like you literally walk off the plane.

You're talking, you're seeing a relative you haven't seen in maybe two or three years. And you'd give them a hug and it's this big celebratory, you know, that's an affectionate culture. Sure. You give them a big hug kiss. Oh my God. And they're like, it's that's being go to tell you right away.

You look pretty fat. Sure. And you're like, God damn it, dude. And you're like, I just got here. Like I'm, you're ruining my whole fucking trip. Yeah, they're like that right away. Same with Hungarian. And I don't know what the stupid American thing is

that we should love ourselves when we're unhealthy. Yeah. We're overweight. It's not good. There's nothing good about being overweight. No, there's not. It is an addiction, like any other addiction, like alcohol.

It's like smoking too much. Why are we, and we have no problem shaming smokers. How come there's no campaign? Oh, you're you shaming, you're cigarette shaming or your alcohol shaming. And sometimes there is. It's not good for you. If you know someone in person, they'll be like,

don't give me any shit about smoking. And sometimes I'm like, all right, I mean, I'm not going to give you shit about it. Go ahead and smoke. But as a general rule, the public is allowed to smoke shame. You're allowed to go. Right. So that addiction we were OK with because it's inherently bad.

But then again, so is being overweight. That's inherently bad. Of course it is. The problem is there's so many people that are overweight and there's such an overeating bad food culture that we live in here that people just go like, let's not all feel badly all the time. No, we should feel bad though.

But that's how you change is you feel bad and you say, I don't like how this looks. I don't like how this feels. I don't want to live. Yeah. All right. So this is why we're doing bird of service is what I'm saying. We're hooking them up.

Where am I? I'm in Breastball's Beach. It's all sold out this weekend. Thank you everybody for getting those tickets. You know what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying? You feel me when I'm talking about? Trying to see what's coming up after that.

Shark Lake titties, that's all sold out. There are what, 60 tickets left to the late show in Eugene? Poo Jean, Poo Jean, Poo Jean. Boys Seed Idaho's all sold out. The tickets at the second show added in Spall Sacramento, Fresno, Fart No, California, Bakersfield, those are in October. Fart Meyers, Jack Mionville, and the second show in Orlando,

the second show only has one to 300 tickets left. That's November 3rd. Augusta, Georgia is also in November. The second show in Montclair, which is Wednesday, November 14th. That has some tickets. And with the third show in Fill Her Up Delphia, that is November 17th at the Merriam Theater. You can get tickets to that.

TomSugarra.com slash tour. I gave people a heads up. I'll remind you again that if you go to my website and you go to the tour page and you see that prompt that pops up and you put in your email address, you will receive notification of something before the rest of the public does. Oh, wow, that's neat.

I want to do that. So, you know, I can only tell you that much right now, but go there, throw your email in, and you will get a message that you might like about some stuff I have coming up. That's all I can tell you right now. That's exciting. Yeah, Jean.

Jean. Oh, guys, so Thanksgiving weekend. It's that Saturday when you guys are all sick of your family and you want to get the F out of the house. Come see me at the House of Blues in Mandiego, California. Yeah, tickets are moving really fast. There's only a few left on that one. And then December 7th in Fill Her Up Delphia,

I will be there. And then the 8th of December, JewdorkTitties, 8 p.m. show is sold out. I've had a late show, a 10-30 show. Tickets at Christina P. Online. Check it out, try it out. Coming for Strokes. Allie Zimzer wrote this.

This is called Double Pipe. Oh, Allie Zimzer, I remember. Yeah, he's always got some good stuff. Zir. All right, Jean. This is a huge episode. We're going to have our great friend, Bernd Criffler, here. We, Bernd Cristler.

Bernd Cristler is going to be here. There's so much to go over. Big news, too. We've got big news to share. Big news to share, all kinds of things to talk about. Let's get into it, Jean. Bag of chips. Here we go.

Sometimes if the cow refuses, they'll stimulate its sexual organs. This unusual technique encourages the cow to lactate. It's natural response to a calf attempting to suckle. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand.

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Don Segura. Don Segura and Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. It tastes like shit. What are you drinking? It's a cup of iced shit.

Ah, man. You know what I'm saying? That was horrifying. Yeah. It's what they do in some cultures, I guess. Yeah, I know. Well, no. What was he licking?

He was stimulating what? I think he was licking her vag or blowing air into it or something. To stimulate the lactation? Yeah. But a calf doesn't lick the mother's vagina to get milk. I mean, it seems like it simulates the sexual organ and that's what does it. Wow. That's interesting.

Let's check it out again. Please don't. Sometimes if the cow refuses, they'll stimulate its sexual organs. Yeah, it is. This unusual technique encourages the cow to lactate. It's natural response to a calf attempting to suck. Oh, my life. Okay.

Hold on. Hold on. Young boys are often responsible for carrying out this task. Nice. Yeah. What else? Another dink-a-custom is showering under urinating cows. Dink-a-custom.

Dink-a-custom. Dink-a-custom. Dink-a-custom. That's nice. That's what he's doing. He's got a... Dink-a-custom is showering under urinating cows. Oh, that's nice.

That's what he's doing. He's got a... Dink-a-custom is showering under urinating cows. Oh, that's nice. That's what he's doing. He's got a... Dink-a-custom turns their hair orange. Oh.

A popular look for both children and adults. Probably kids always getting this stuff done to them. That's a lot of piss, too. I mean, that was such an enormous... Yeah. It's such a huge amount of... It was a shower. Yeah.

I mean, that's... The dink-a-custom, huh? That's a real piss. You know? I mean, look at that. Have you tried an African cow? Look at that. Showering under urinating cows.

Sure. I mean, that's like somebody... The urine turns their... A hose somewhere, you know? That is a nice custom. What would you rather do? You got two jobs to choose from, okay? Okay.

You're a member of the dink-a-tribe. You're over there. Uh-huh. Do you, A, take the cow piss shower all day? It's nine to five. It's what you're doing. A cow piss on your head. Sure.

Or once an hour, you stimulate the cow's vagina with your mouth the way... I think I would stimulate the vagina. With your mouth? Yeah. I think I'm not into as much the getting urinated on by the cow and like buckets of it. Bucket. Okay. What if I change the parameters?

Then again, I get that cool hair color change. Right. That's the whole point. Yeah. I mean, you could use hydrogen peroxide. Odell Beckham Jr. look. I don't even know what that is. I know.

But you could use peroxide, hydrogen, but that's too easy. You got to get the cow urinating. What if it's just once an hour a cow pisses on you or you stimulate the organ, sex organs? Um... It just wants an hour. Or the cow pisses on me how often? No, once an hour. Once an hour.

It's like, ding, timer goes off and you either get pissed on by the cow or you stimulate the sex organs with your mouth. I think I would stick to stimulating. With your mouth. With your... On a cow's vagine. What he was doing. Dude, you're crazy.

I would choose getting pissed on any day. Why? Because I don't put my mouth on a cow's filthy vagina. Well, first of all, how do you know I'm not turned on by that? You know? That would be a first. Yeah. You're into that?

Yeah. The animal's vag. It's not that big of a deal. Okay. I think I would do it and have no problem with it. I'd rather get peed on. Really? Yeah.

I mean, you realize that you're covered in... It's fine. It's for me. I'm like... And then I'm back to doing what I do. You're just drenched in cow piss. Just my head. If you see how he does it.

No, it was dripping off his face. It was... Okay. But then I can put my head in underwater and then I can wash the piss. What do you think you smell like after that? It's not lavender body wash. Yeah, but in the Dinka tribe, maybe they like the way that smells. Oh, now you're moving to the whole tribe.

You're... I... You're a member of the tribe, dude. That's... Number one, you're moving to wherever these people live. You're sleeping in their huts or wherever they live. You're doing the dances and you're licking the cow veg. Yeah.

Okay. I don't think so. I don't think so. Okay. I think it's fine. I think I'm fine. I'll tell you what I'm just distracted by right now. How beautiful I am.

Yes, number one. How skinny I am. Yes, number two. My Starbucks service is going downhill. Oh, my God. My local, my A1 Starbucks. I've noticed some turnover. I noticed some of the higher performers are gone.

Now, this is the thing, is that I've noticed that you've been... You're kind of sore of the Starbucks in our neighborhood. You've tried them all and this is your favorite place. Best location. And this is because they know your order when you come in. They say hello to you. They have great customer service. They're on top of it.

They're just... Yeah, it's just... I mean, you go out of your way to go there because the other ones are drive-through. This one we have to park. That one... Nah, I mean, the drive-through one is chaos. It's not an exit for the one-to-one. Terrible.

Terrible. Yeah, it's chaos. It's at a gas station too. Yeah. And there's a line of cars that clutter up the gas station and the boulevard. It's a really bad place for a Starbucks. It is. Now, but I'm saying that you go the extra mile and you park your car and often you make

LJ and I wait in the truck while you go in and you get your diary in a cup. Yeah. But you're telling me today your experience was different. So what happened? Well, I've noticed it. There was a couple really great employees there. Yeah. And these people seriously, I walk in, they go, hi, Tom.

Hi, and they're like, extra ice. It's ready to go. I'm like, what the fuck, man? Like that. Yeah. They know you. They anticipate your needs. And I see them do it to other people.

It's not just me, movie star, TV star. Sure. Sure. It's other regular common petty people. Right. Poor people. Yeah. Peasants also got good attention from them.

Sure. So I would be like, wow, even like a regular, you know, bottom dwellers getting nice attention from them. It's not just, oh, you know, this celebrity guy comes in. Sure. So I was like, this is the Starbucks. And I noticed probably three or four faces that I would see on routine that I'm like, these are all stars.

This is the best location I've ever been to. And I don't know if they either moved on in careers. What I did here, I overheard a little gossip was somebody asking about one of them and they're like, oh, they moved so and so to this location to like get that thing up and running. So what they did is they outsourced their good employees to teach the shittier Starbucks how to be better. Right.

And now we have shittier Starbucks. Now you're suffering. It's such a bullshit. It's so dumb. It's like what they did in the late 80s and 90s here in LA, LA Unified School District. They would take the gangbangers from the bad neighborhoods and then bust them into the nice ones. And you're like, I think that's a nationwide thing, babe.

Oh, is that not just the way it is? It's like giving people an opportunity to go to better schools. It's a bad idea. It was a bad idea. Here's the thing. If it's not LA, you know, I don't care about it. So no, it was a horrible idea. And then they, and then they took the good kids and put them in the gangbanger schools.

Wait, they put kids in gangbangers? Yes, they did. Why did they do that? It happened to Brody Stevens. Well, what they do that because it was, it was an exchange program, right? They take the kids from the rougher neighborhoods, put them in the nicer ones and vice versa and ended up being a huge disaster. So this is what I'm saying to Starbucks is a corporation.

Bad idea. Bad idea. And it's a big thumbs down for me. Yeah. Very disappointed. What happened today that you felt that you were not served well? I mean, there's just little things you notice. First of all, I noticed on that app yesterday that when we stopped at that same place, you

wanted water. And so I tried to get you a water on the app and it said sold out. I was like, oh, they're sold out of water. That's crazy. And I went in there and I saw like 200 bottles of water. So I told the lady. I go, says sold out in your app. But you know, just so you know, she's like, oh, what happened was we probably were sold

out at some point and somebody just forgot to turn it back on. I go, okay. And I came today, says sold out again. Still. Yeah. And the same girls there. I didn't bring it up. But I'm like, oh, they're just like missing a beat.

You know. And that was yesterday. So they had a full 24 hours to rectify the situation. I know that some of you losers out there listening are like, give them a break. But that's why you're a fucking loser because you have low standards. Sure. You know, I have sure higher standards because I'm a fucking winner. Right.

I agree. Yeah. You've got a winner's attitude. I love Starbucks. As you know, yeah, I was a barista in the summer of 1997 at the do whatever your job is. Try to do it well. Tarzana location.

Shit. Yeah. I'm a trained barista. And I believe I love star. Oh, I saw you here this morning at the house. Go flip, flip, flip. And you just. Yeah.

Yeah. I steam the milk impressive stuff. I did the call. Right. Yeah. Double tall. Nonfat latte. Nonfat latte.

Double tall. Um, but anyways, I'm just, I'm just like, you know, why I don't like to see you upset and you came back in the car and you were very upset about your level of service. Well, they were really just, they're just dragging. They're just dragging in there now. And then there's, you know, there's three people waiting and it still takes you like 10, 15 minutes. So like, I'm getting an ice.

Come on, man. Get your shit together. Yeah. It's the worst. Whatever. Well, I'll tell you why I'm disappointed. And I, I, I agree with you Starbucks because they really do put a lot of priority into training their people to be good and to be efficient and to be familiar with the products

and to know everything. So I'm, I'm, I'm a little upset for you because I believe in Starbucks as a company. And I know that this is my version of top dog. It is. And I, I didn't want to point that out and be a complete wifey to you. This is basically the behavior. I'm becoming my father. I understand that.

Yeah. So you're a boycotting McDonald's. Yeah. Well, I love their coffee. It's, in fact, it's the best coffee, you know, right? But they gone to drive through lanes. Yeah. And so what happened is, I mean, time didn't, you know, that the lanes, the other day at

it took me 13 minutes to get my coffee through the drive through, yeah. And yeah, because even though they have two lanes, yeah, they don't process it as fast as they should. So this, so from a customer point of view, it's longer and I've talked to them about that. And what do you do? See, I'm becoming my dad. He talks, here's the second step though, Jeans, you're not, you're voicing your opinion

on this show. Right. You need to be talking to corporate headquarters. No, because that's, that's a few years from now. I can't, I can't go full dad yet. That's another level. Right now, it's like, I just keep it internal. I'm not trying to get someone in trouble, you know what I mean?

I'm not trying to get someone fired. I'm not trying to be like, I'm just venting to you and hundreds of thousands of other people who listen, but yeah, I'm not going to go pull the manager aside. Well, that's a full fucking dad. That's when you're really angry at the world. Like this is like a level five irritation. I'm venting irritation. It's somewhere to put your complaints in the world, somewhere to be angry.

But then we have a customer service. I, well, I don't know. Let me think. With Starbucks, I am disappointed because as a former employee of theirs, I believe that they should have high standards. They're a great company and they do work really hard. I'm sure there's tons of stuff I feel the same. I get irritated about it.

When they get the blacks out of there quickly, like they do things right. Well, you know, they, they closed down for sensitivity training a while back. Oh, I, I went that day. Yeah. I was, I walked in, I tried to walk in and I see all these employees, I'm like, hello. And they were like, we are raised this when you're training right now. I was like, oh, sorry. They wouldn't let me in because I went there just at the, as they were closing.

They were like, no whites allowed. Yeah. Like what? I thought I was allowed in here. I experienced it now, bro. I get, I get annoyed too with long lines at coffee places because efficiency is key, definitely. And if, if you're waiting and waiting and you're like, dude, if I can kill me, I don't like that.

I get more annoyed with airport slowness and airline inefficiency. I get annoyed where it's like a late night or a late flight. You're on the last flight of the day and you're waiting and you're waiting and you're waiting. And then they go, oh, the flight's canceled because the crew, they timed out or something stupid. And you're like, wait a minute, what does this have to do with me? Like that's your poor planning. No, it's FAA rules.

Yeah. They can only work 10 hours in a row. And you guys hadn't thought of this sooner. Uh-uh. Cause they're supposed to be here, but then they're not here. I've been there many times. And you're displacing so many people by doing that. Like, oh great.

Now I'm spending the night in fucking Detroit because you guys can't. I actually, I have spent the night in Detroit for that. And one of the best things about that was horrible. We got, so we got delayed at the, at the gate and they're like, you're not going to take off. Everybody's like the fuck. And people get, you know, and they're like, just get on the shuttle and go to a hotel and they were like, um, and you have to pay for it.

Oh my God. And everybody got so angry that I watched, I just couldn't believe that this is all it took in the United States. You know, at a major airport, everyone was like, bullshit. And they're like, all right, we'll pay for it. Like they switched at the, at the counter. Yeah. Well, they should pay for it because you bought a ticket for a specific service at a specific

time. And now you're displacing people with small children, guys like you, you mean, want to get back to your family. You don't want to spend the fucking night near Detroit airport. I know that what the domestic, I don't know why. I mean, I know a part of it is just like the incredible volume, but domestically, you know, the U S airline industry is a fucking shit. And you know, and you go anywhere else and it's so much better.

I will tell you, Canada and Middle East, believe it or not. Of course. Yeah. Better in South America. Yeah. Way better in Asia. Of course. It's better everywhere.

We were in South Africa. It sucks here. It sucks. UK. Great. Yeah. It sucks. Dog balls here.

And they have a monopoly. Get ready. Know that it will suck. It will. And they don't care. They don't fucking care. They have you by the balls. They have you hostage.

You know, it's a bummer that Branson's airline didn't work out domestically. Yeah. I think he's folding, right? But, um, I think he, I don't, I don't think they sold it. Oh, I mean, he sold it to Alaska air or something such it because Virgin was my favorite one. And I would always try to take it because he brought, tried to bring a little bit of the, you know, international airline flavor dignity here. You mean treating the consumer like a, like a customer, like a valued, but I see the whole

thing is fucked. It's, it's that so many customers are animals. You know, I mean, I'm around that to you. Of course. So it like it, you know, people are absolute pigs in airports. You see it all the time. Sure. Uh, there, there are some of them treat the employees horrifically, of course, employees

then treat the customers horrifically. It's just, it's overcrowded. It's, um, you know, they make the planes too crowded. It's too small because they're, there's somebody that measured and found out you can stick extra seats in and you can sell those for this amount. So it's like people are cramped, they're, they're not getting treated well. And they're, and it's a hustle, hustle, hustle, like land this plane, flip it around, turn around.

I don't know. It's just, it's a whole shit show of an industry. It is. It should show now on the positive side, the cost of tickets has really not risen that much in the last, it's really amazing when you think about it. You can fly across the country for what $450. That's an incredible thing. It is amazing.

Now they've kept the prices low, which is great in LA. You can fly to San Francisco for like a hundred dollars. Oh, $50. Southwest. If you, uh, Vegas, I mean, that's, that's really insane. That is insane. Now that would take you, you know, five hours to one or probably three and a half, four to the other to drive.

They're like, pay a hundred dollars. It's ridiculous. Fly there. But that is pretty, that is miraculous. Yeah. Um, I never understand how they lose your bags. That, that one always astounded me like it's a direct flight from here to Atlanta. How the fuck did I not?

My bag just didn't make it. You're the wrong tag on it, man. That did happen to me once, but then it showed up like two weeks later, the bag. Yeah. Anyways, um, but that makes me crazy. Oh, you know what else makes me crazy? The inefficiency of show business, like, uh, show business is really crazy. It really is the only, it'll make your brain melt.

If you've never been around this, if you think the, um, millions of dollars, the idea that there's no, um, you know, in most, if most of you who have a regular job have some form of courtesy in your job, meaning that, you know, somebody calls you and you go, leaves you a message like, uh, I don't know if we're going to, you know, like to work out this deal where you guys sell us this and let's say you're not, most people go, I'll call that person back and just tell them that we are not going to do the deal. All right. Right.

Oh, that's called courtesy. Yeah. Like that. That shit absolutely doesn't exist. And it's one of the things that's taken me the longest to get used to that. If you don't want to do something with somebody, you just ignore them. You ignore them. Well, I'm talking about the actual monetary inefficiency of shoots and productions.

For instance, like your call time, they'll be like, Tom, you got to get here at five o'clock, um, on in Santa Monica. So you're sitting in rush hour traffic, you're getting there and then you sit in the trailer for five hours because they don't need you until 11 PM, but you got to be there at five. It's always like, let's just get people here or, but don't, don't get me there. Or the star who doesn't show up and you've got, got like the, the unionized crew who's been there since five in the morning. I worked on a television show.

I won't say who this is, but you've got the union guys who are putting together the sets, breaking shit down every night. They're there before anybody, they've not slept. They're there. They're making everything perfect, lighting camera, and then the star doesn't show up because they decided they needed to sleep more that day and everyone else waits for them. And it's acceptable throwing money like out.

It's crazy. Here's the other one. I don't know why it's me. Doctors. Doctors are the only, it's the only business where you can just make people wait for fucking hours. Like how many, one time we went to go get a scan when I was pregnant, I mean, we waited for two hours almost, just the doctor didn't, the doctor's not there.

Oh no, no, you got to be on time. He gets to come in and do his thing with you whenever he feels like it. It's intellectual arrogance is what it is because they know that they're special and they know that they have the skill that can make you wait. Because if you don't, if you go like, you know, this hurts and I don't like, how can this not hurt? And they're like, you got to come and see me to make it not hurt. And then you go there and you're like, I'm here when you said to be in there like, well,

it's when I'm ready. Well, you sit in the waiting room for half an hour to 45 minutes and then we'll bring you in. You know we should do to get back at doctors. Just make them wait for everything else. Like if you make an appointment, if you're a doctor and you make an appointment with anyone, they should see doctor in your name and be like, oh, I'll just make you wait. But you wait in this room and then we'll make you wait in this other room.

Yeah. Like you're like, hey, I don't want to upgrade my phone. I'm doctor. Yeah. And they're like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Just just stand right there. I'll get there.

Stand there. Yeah. And then like 45 minutes later, I'd be like, yeah, we're going to get to you. I just talked to this other guy about his phone. You want to get your oil changed? Oh, gosh. Yeah. Yeah.

There's no one here, but just wait there. Just wait. Could you imagine if you or I showed up late to our jobs of entertaining hundreds of people? I think that's it's so disrespectful. It makes me crazy. Lauren Hill. And then Guns and Roses.

What's his name? Axl Rose would show up hours late. Hours. Like three and a half hours late. Yeah. It's crazy. But could you imagine you and I showed up an hour late for our standup? Like we'd be fired.

People go crazy. Yeah. Well, he was showing up pretty late for a while. That was the word on the street. People would get pissed too. Yeah. It's not fair. He showed up super late for one of his, not this last special, but the one before that.

He showed up hours late. It's a craziness. I know. They've invested in you. They've gotten babysitters. Especially because it's people that want to support you. It's like, it's not like they're just like, let's go out tonight. They're like, you specifically, I want to give you money to see you do this thing.

That's so funny. I don't know. It's nuts. Should we talk about our big news? Yeah. Sure. Sure. Sure.

Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure.

Sure. I can't find it. It's not ready. But I would play the cat eating cable too. I know. I imagine the sound. This is a, if you have, if you don't follow us on Instagram or Twitter, which I'm sure a lot of people don't.

They just listen or watch. This is the big news. Go ahead, Jean. Me? I get to tell. Sure. We've been very excited. We've been keeping it under our hats, so to speak for a while, but Jean and I have

sold a pilot to CBS, and we're going to be writing a script for a sitcom with the fabulous Scott Martyr, who worked on Always Sunny in Philadelphia and The Mic, and he is working with us now to develop a show based on your mom's house. Yeah. It's pretty exciting stuff. Crazy, right? A lot of people sent congratulations. We really appreciate it.

So exciting. Some people let us know how it won't work. Appreciate that, too, that's for your, yeah, it's, you know, it's based on basically Jean and I and our relationship and how we, you know, how we obsess on the little things. Yeah, this show. All the stuff. Yeah. You're like, look, are we going to do a guy coming in four strokes?

Probably not on CBS. But I don't think we would do that anywhere. Honestly, that's, that's too crazy. Well, no, it's not. I mean, it's just like what, that's, there's some things, some jokes that you play that play well for this medium, like the joke and the execution of it works on a podcast and then some of them you go, oh, that can translate to television and some of them don't. It's not that coming in four strokes definitely can translate.

It's like you go, well, playing that guy's drops and stuff, like it works well in this medium, but that doesn't mean we're not going to have fun and try to, you know, go after the things that make us laugh. We're Jean's extra tight. Yeah. No, it's, it's super exciting. And I just want, we want to clarify it too. A lot of people think, oh, you guys got a, when's your TV show on CBS?

It's not that far yet. It's just a pilot script. So we're just writing it and then they have the option to make it into a pilot, to air that pilot, to not air that pilot. Yeah. So it's just a script deal for now. Yeah, exactly. It's very exciting.

It doesn't mean that the show's ordered, which a lot of people, I understand why you would think that. Yeah. It's a little confusing the language sometimes if you're not familiar with it, but so it's, it's very exciting. And we were pitching it and I was like, oh, I was days away from my due date and we were pitching it to all these networks and people were buying it in the room. It was crazy.

It was pretty nuts. It was great. Yeah. I mean, I've pitched a lot of stuff. So have you. Yeah. This was like, you know, the only time that multiple networks were like, why don't you do it here?

Yeah. It was like, okay. It was very exciting and I'm excited to be with CBS. I love, I love them. I like a lot of the stuff that they're, they're airing right now actually. Yeah. But it's, it's a big deal. It's kind of, it's kind of a big deal.

It's kind of exciting. Very big deal. And I'm glad I didn't go into labor during those meetings because it was, it was imminent. Yeah. It was so crazy. I literally could have gone into labor as we were doing those meetings. Not a good idea. Yeah.

So it's, it's really exciting to think we're going to, you know, have, have a fun time trying to get it done and trying it out, trying it out, trying to try it out, try to try it out. And we'll hopefully have success in it and, um, you know, it's something we've never done, multi-cam show, but... No, but I like a live studio audience. I do feel like... I do too.

I love it. When I was thinking about that, I've done the, uh, the run on the single camera stuff and it's fun to pursue and, you know, go after it, but I don't know, our natural element is definitely doing stand-up. Yeah. Our, um, comics tend to thrive is, is when there's a live studio audience and I don't know, I like that tradition of it and I'm excited. I'm excited to bring some of the stuff from your mom's house to, to a mainstream show.

I'm excited to find out how much stuff we can actually sneak in there. I know. I also want to... That's the fun part. Exactly. I want the, um, those sneaky moments. Yes. Try it out.

Tom, try it out. That's going to be fun. What is this? It's a new drink. Wow. Okay. That'll be interesting. Yeah.

But we're going to take stuff from this show and make it into a show. You know, my dad got a boat. He's got a four-stroke engine. I'm pretty excited. Little things like that where the network's like, yeah, you can say that. It's always like just a wink at your mom's house audience. That's going to be good. Yeah.

It'll be fun, man. We'll see. No, it's going to be great. So there it is. And, um, no, big day, big news. Big day. Big gene news. Yeah.

It is exciting. Sure. I never thought, I never... Like I said, I never had that experience either and I've pitched many things. And you and I walked into these big network meetings and we sold the show in the... Like literally after we gave the pitch, they were like, we want it. We're like, what? Yeah.

It never happens. It never happens. Right now. Not in my whole career and all this time. No one ever wants anything I'm doing. I know. Except for now. Yeah.

Which is fantastic. And you know what? We have the fans of this show to thank for it. Definitely. Without you guys listening to us. We're just a couple of dickheads talking about farts. We still are. We still are.

But yeah. Thank you for being there. But now we can talk about farts on CBS. Quick reminder, we are streaming new episodes of this show every Tuesday at 9 p.m. Pacific. That's two hours before the YouTube video drops. You can watch it with us. BlueBand is in there. I joined last week.

I'm at DJ Dad Mouth 1. Sometimes Christina jumps in. She is Queen Jeans 1. That's right. And we watch Classic Jeans on the weekends. It's twitch.tv slash your mom's house podcast. All right. Here's another seagull, FGTRTD.

You gotta ask Bart what he thinks that stands for. I know. The first guck tongue replaces that dick. There's so many versions. Somebody wrote FGTRTD as fat girls twerking around that dick. Yep. That works. Finn a gargle that rancid tasting dick.

Yeah. That's from William. From gums to really tight dentures. Chris. For genital time, reach top drawer. Fine guys that really throw dick. Face goes to rear to delight. Oh, I like that.

Those are all from Mike right there. Thanks, Mike. Yeah. So really interesting. Oh, I finally got the answer to, let me see if this is here. Oh, yeah. You know that this guy, right? The infamous.

Yeah. Say no. I know. It's burned into my brain. He's there. Why is he not here? I don't know. He's going to get crushed.

Don't worry. There he is. Here. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

00:42:07,320 --> 00:42:09,900 This won't be in the CBS sitcom. Si, you know. We'll not. We're not writing this into our show. Oh, shit. I've never, I've mentioned that like, ah, be great to understand the hell he's saying there.

Oh, to really fully, fully milk the moment. Right, Tommy? Well, to really understand this man suffering. Here it is. So I've been watching some of your past episodes. Now this time really enjoys a video of the garage worker getting back into, you know, I'm a Canadian living in Taiwan with my wife, thought my wife could translate because he is speaking broken Chinese.

She said that he just yells in pain. And the last thing he says, which is what this guy says, what Tom wished he knew what he was saying is stuck in broken Chinese. No grammar just stuck. So he's saying that he's stuck. She found a link. This is, I've mentioned this before. She found a link to the news footage because it happened in Taiwan and it said the worker

didn't have any major injuries, just bruises. Thank God. Big fan, Mike. So that's pretty cool. Well, I'm relieved to hear that that guy didn't have any major injuries. A lot of people had asked about that over the years and he didn't, he didn't have any major injuries. Thank God.

Yeah. Well, does that make that, but then does that disappoint you? Like, are you bummed that he's not super hurt? No, no. Do you like it when they get hurt in real life or? No, I don't want them to be really hurt. It's not as funny though that he's not crippled now, right? Oh, see, you do like that.

He's crippled, Tom. The guy's in a wheelchair. No, I know. I liked that he's not really hurt. Of course. I don't want him to be really hurt, but it's still a funny, funny moment. Yeah. I'm stuck.

I'm stuck. How I'm going to pitch stuff like this for the show. You think the executives would like that? Of course. If they have a sense of humor, Tom, Tom laughs at Taiwanese man. By the way, you were right. I got a lot of messages like Christina's a real stick in the mud. Of course.

That's how about my Casey Anthony OJ bit and they were like, it's hilarious. Christina is no fun. Christina is a square. What a nerd alert. It doesn't like the fun things and I know that brought out of you guys. I believe me. Did I predict it? Yes, you did.

You said it was going to happen. So ridiculous. And it did happen. It says Jenny was a gutter slut. Jenny. Yeah. Yeah. With forest.

She knew what she was doing. Yeah. She took advantage of forest inability. Let's back it up to people. So we know what we're talking about. So last week we discussed whether or not it's fair to date and ethical and ethical to date a very attractive mentally challenged person. We brought up sling blade and forest scum as being not necessarily very attractive, but

just, you know, Well, it's Tom Hanks. I mean, at the end of the day, he's a leading man. He's leading man. The track. Yeah. It is kind of messed up the Jenny. Jenny.

First of all, didn't, didn't, she had HIV. Oh, I guess she didn't give it to us for us. We don't know anything here. Yeah. This is what the email says. Right. So we talked about them and whether or not selfish woman, whether or not Jenny was being a real.

See you next Tuesday. Right. So it said forest didn't have the ability to recognize a damaged slut bag. She only wanted to reproduce. So she took advantage of a mentally challenged man because he was the only person left that would touch her HIV invested box. There you go. And he represents all the women who keep a nice guy on the back burner and they're in

their prime. They go out. They pay hundreds of hippies. They shoot heroin. They join the black Panthers. They contemplate suicide. They contract several STDs and then they realize their life is nothing. They need to settle down before the age takes over and they die.

They come crawling back to the nice guy on the back burner, back burner who has always adored the pre slut version. They are now damaged goods, but the nice guy doesn't know about all the coke binges, acid trips and gang bang. She accumulated over the years. All four seas is that young girl that protected him from being teased and showed him his first pair of tits. Tits would have been better off becoming gay pirates with Lieutenant Dan pillaging other

boats for their shrimp and booty. If you ask me that sounds much better than being a single parent living in bumblefuck Alabama. True that. Raising this autistic child. I didn't know that was a thing by yourself because your dead gypsy wife couldn't stay away from dirty needles, dirty needles and random cock congrats on the CBS pilot Kyle. Well that's a very nice email Kyle and interesting observations on your part.

Well it is kind of a refreshing take on a movie that people really just did back flips for it, but now that you say it that way, Jenny is kind of a selfish twat. I mean, yeah, Forest fell in love with her when she was pure and sweet and then she ran off and became a slut burger. And then decided last minute, yeah, I need to have a baby. I'll just take advantage of this nice dope who's been waiting in the wings. It's typical hot girl behavior. Totally typical hot girl behavior.

She took advantage of him and yeah, you raise the kid. She knows she's got him, you know? Yeah. No question. Yeah, Jenny's a hoe. We got to rename the movie. Ho ass hoe. Jenny's a slut burger.

Forest gone with the ho ass hoe, gutter slut Jenny. Yeah, now I'm mad for Forest because I feel like he deserves better, dude. He deserves way better than Jenny. Yeah, I agree. If I ever meet Tom Hanks, I'm going to talk to him about it. Me too. I'm going to talk to Jenny about it. I was speaking to my movie Star Lifestyle.

She's dead. I don't know if I mentioned it. Star Lifestyle. The movie that I'm in called Instant Family has been moved up three months. So exciting. Did we mention that on the show? No. So it was going to be a February release.

It's now November 16th. Just very excited. We went to the screening. It's a great movie. I have to tell you, and I'm not just saying this because you're my husband and I adore you and I find you to be infinitely talented. You're amazing in this movie. Thank you.

You are amazing. You're so funny. You're the funniest part of it. But it's a really good movie. The movie is solid. I mean, I cried. I don't, what moves me to tears? No.

I made a big shits and big tits. I have Teflon in my veins. I cried like a baby during this movie. It's a beautiful movie. And it's so funny. It's got so much heart. It's a great holiday movie. I'm so excited for people to see this.

I can't wait. It's so good. And you're so good in it. The one thing that's weird and you guys are going to notice that his beard is so dark. They took the gray out of your beard. So I was like, when I saw you, I was startled and like, that's not my gene. It's true. It's pretty amazing.

And your character is so funny and they dress you like such a chachi. I love it. It's so funny to see you being a fucking dead, that dick character. It's great. Yeah. That's your wheelhouse asshole. But I'm very excited. I'm very excited that it comes out in November.

And I think it's going to be, I don't know, I think it's going to be a big movie. Guys, I got to meet Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, you did. At the screening. And he shook my hand. Mark and I are part of the 4am club. You know what that is? Yeah.

I follow him on Instagram. We get up every day at 4am. No, you don't. And we work out. You do not get up at 4am. Yes, we do. Mark and I work out. We text each other.

We're like about to work out. He goes, me too. And then we work out and we have a good time. That guy is up legit at 4am. Because I see what time he posts. He's up before then. Dude, I know. Yeah, it's really nuts.

He works out a lot. Oh, he should have seen us during the movie every day. Yeah, I sure. Do you think we should fitness shame him? Like you're making too much fitness. Too much fitness. Bro. It would not affect him for sure.

He makes serious fitness, but he looks amazed. He does. He's 47. That's cray. Yeah. Dude, he makes fitness every day like that, huh? He's doing right now 47 days in a row. Like because he's 47, 47 days in a row of getting up at three something to work out.

Of making fitness. Of making fitness. What time does he go to bed, you think? Probably pretty early. 47. I think he's in bed pretty early. Yeah. Guy takes care of himself.

Let's see. How many hours is that? You have to go to bed super early to get eight hours. He's going to bed at 7pm. He probably is. Shit. He probably is. That guy is really dedicated to the fitness game.

He is. Yeah. Fuck Jenny. No, no, no. I think about her. She's really selfish twat. Never meet Robin Wright. I'm going to tell her the same thing.

Hey, Jenny was a fucking selfish gutter slut. Really? I don't know. House of Farts is coming back and Jenny is starring in it without, what's his dick? Kevin. Because of his. Gay Kevin. Because of his whole thing.

Do you know the Gay Kevin's movie? Buttfucking Kevin. Buttfucking Kevin came out this weekend. He's in this movie called Billionaire's Boys Club, which was a VOD before it hit theaters. What's a VOD? VOD, that's industry slang for video on demand. But movie star language. The movie, he's not the star of the movie, but he's definitely the most high profile

person of the movie. Yeah. And it premiered this past weekend in 10 theaters and it made $287. What? Yeah. Are you fucking kidding me? No. Are you exaggerating?

No, I'm 100% serious. That's the exact amount. And do you think it's because people don't like heaven space because of the scandal? I think that's probably a big part of it. I think, you know what? That Billionaire Boys Club, that's a remake from the 80s. It is. And like I said, he's not the, like the movie was made two and a half years ago.

So it was before the scandal and he's not the main person in the movie. But they didn't take him out of the trailer because we watched the trailer. Well, they can't take him out. He's in the movie and they're not going to, they don't have the resources to reshoot the movie. Yeah. I'm saying that the main guy in the movie is actually the kid from a baby, baby driver. Oh, what a good movie that was.

Yeah. So he's, he's actually, I think the star of the movie, but anyway, the movie just tanked. You know why though? I think too, it's not in the zeitgeist. In the 80s, people wanted to see movies about kids being wealthy and shit, Dix. And now it's like, it's kind of, it reminds you of, you just not, it's not, maybe it's the time. It's nobody wants to see that shit right now.

We got this email gene that said, I listened to every episode from day one way before fucking camp. I'm in the middle of moving out, listening with my headphones to mom's house podcast episodes, three 33s through three 40 laughing my ass off my butt. My fuck boy, Polly Amherst neighbors came over with a beer and said they were sorry. At first I was confused, but then they said, we thought you were crying, I guess that's what it sounds like when you listen to your mom's house alone in your house with headphones on.

I have to get back to fucking camp later, mommy. Fucking camp. Immanuel. Isn't that funny? That's hilarious. Big words. Man, fucking camp was one of my favorite drops. Oh yeah.

I know. That's from a Tourette's syndrome documentary where this little girl, that was just her who says it. Yeah. She gets sent to this camp and she goes, sometimes they go to Tourette's camp so that they're with other children who have the same thing. Fucking camp. Sometimes I say words, she swears like fucking camp.

Well, she says another word. What does she say, Tom? She says a word starts with N. Yeah. Yeah. What, nincompoop? Yeah. Yeah, and then I'm saying swears like nigger and stuff.

Big words. I mean, yeah. She's like eight years old. She's cute too. Yeah. Which way, you're like. And then I say these swears. These swears.

But she's hearing it somewhere. She's hearing that. Like our kid doesn't know that word. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? We don't say that stuff at home. You know, who probably does know that word though. Big words.

Our guest, I'm sure, knows that word. Her guests? Our guests coming up. Oh, Burt. Yeah, I'm sure. Burt. Yeah. You think he says it all the time?

Probably. Okay. He's a fat racist. Is that what you're saying? Fat and racist. Yeah. Should be his next hour. We should introduce him like that.

He's fat. He's racist. You think you like that? I hate that. Let's do it. I'm fat and I'm racist. I'm surprised he doesn't have a TLC show. You know when they, it's all fat people?

Like the fattest comedian alive. Follow him around. And he's like. That's a great idea. Can't drink a Tito's. Oh my God. What the fucking drinking? Why?

Why does everybody love Tito's? What's the fucking, what's the deal with a Tito's? I don't know. I think there's some extra process they go through. I know it's made in the U.S. and I forget. We'll ask him. He's definitely nice. He knows.

Yeah. We should. It's like, it's like when everyone was drinking Zima's in the 90s. Yeah. Hey, here's a P question. Hey, James, I'm in the middle of a level five brown at the moment and I came a question came across my mind that requires further investigation. Why is it you can pee without shitting, but you can't see without shit without peeing.

I've never shit. Interesting. Without the preliminary P stream. So it begs the question. Why? Oh my God. It's such a good question. Maybe the P stream is the redheaded step child.

Nobody talks about in the whole farts, push the shit out debate. Is there a deeper meaning? I need to know as always, I keep it high and tight. P S Tom is for sure the water champ. Wait, is that, is that a man thing too? Do you have to pee while you, after you sometimes, I mean, I've discussed this before too. You pee, you shit, and then you've made more pee. Yeah.

And you're like, it's one of your favorite. Did I make more pee or as I was shitting or did that pee, that was like what's lingering. Good question. And then I pee more. Good question. But boys have the same problem that you have to pee while you shit. Yeah. Why is that?

Okay. I have a theory. I have a theory. Okay. Okay. Maybe the bowel muscle, it's bigger than the, the, the P muscle. So when that muscle is relaxed, it's adjacent to your bladder or I don't know. I don't know.

Maybe everything relaxes down there. It's good. It's a good Dr. Drew question. We'll ask him that. I'm sure he'll be thrilled to hear this new one. Dear Dr. Drew. Do you want to see this clip of a Bert swimming? Yeah.

You know, so when you're ready, it's pretty cool. I think you'll like it. Okay. Ready? No, I'm writing this down. I know. That's the part that you got to. How come I can pee while I shit, but not vice versa?

It's really interesting. That's real. Yeah. That is nasty. That was a footage of a Bert lookalike and he pooped in the ocean. And he shot, he shot like diarrhea. But so much came out. So much diarrhea.

Yeah. And he, I don't think he knew that diarrhea came out. I think he kind of picked up on it, babe. No, he didn't know because he didn't look embarrassed. He thinks he just farted, I think. You think he thinks he just farted? He's looking at it. He's looking at his whole stream of shit.

Diarrhea. Yeah. Look, and then he's got it. He's like, I felt that. Now I got to swim through it. So now he knows. Oh, look at it.

It's everywhere. He knows. The fish are going to eat it though. That's gnarly. Can I ask you a question about hemorrhoids? Yeah. Yeah. I love them now.

And I, I'm like, I'm trying to remember, I think they went away just naturally after I had Ellis. By the way, I just want to put it out there. I think this is a good Burt topic too. Oh, hold on to it. He definitely has hemorrhoids and probably has for decades. He's probably going to have so much insight into hemorrhoids. I mean, he's a guy you look at and you know, hemorrhoids.

Should I talk about it with this guy? Yes. He's definitely. Absolutely. Okay. We'll save it for Bart then. I'm going to use him as fat and racist. The fattest racist comedian alive.

This guy uses the N word all the time. Oh my God. Remember this one? This from the other phase? Yeah. Shout goes out to Thompson Gora. Yeah. Christina Pijiecki.

Shout goes out to that bird. No sign. No sign. Yo. Yo, bird is fat. I didn't mean to blurt that. Chewing up strawberries like a fucking fruit bag. Guess what?

We have a new crazy locs diss track. You're kidding. Yeah. He made it just for this appearance. I'm so excited. I can't wait. This is an old one here, but I guess. Oh shit.

I got to go. I got to take care of my tattoos. All right. So here's the deal, man. Here's the deal. We're going to try it out. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. Here's the deal. We're going to take a quick pause and deal man. We'll be back very soon with a huge drunk.

Fat, lazy, shift less. Comedian who will. Racist. We'll wheel in here. Republican. And no, we're very excited about it. So we'll be right back with a burnt crystals. Oh my God.

All right. We're back from the big pause with, uh, he's drunk. He's obscenely overweight. He's, he's intensely racist. It's birth pressure. Hey guys. It's so good to be here. We were doing like that.

We're like, it's good. A good new rumor started. These are safe. Let's see. What's that? Turn the AC. Well, he's bigger. Larger people get hotter faster too.

I did Marin's podcast the other day and he's got a new house. Marin's house. Oh good. Good for him. I walked it up to it. And I was like, this isn't his house. Mark Marin does not live here. I'm so glad he has a good house.

His last house was pretty, pretty shitty for how much money that guy probably makes. Yeah. And, uh, but, and then we went into his podcast and he was like, I'm like, Oh, you got an AC in here. He's like, I got to turn it off and immediately I started pouring. So I, of course. I swear bad.

I got to tell you, I know there's, there's a bunch of stuff we're going to talk about. I saw the special. Yeah. Yeah. I got an advanced screener of it. Tom's a celebrity to do that. Well, here's the thing.

A movie star, television star, highly in demand actor, writer, producer. Yeah. I just say, I want to see something. Boom. It arrives. And I watched it and it's fucking awesome. He did.

He had his, he had his earbuds and he was laughing and I was on the couch. Thank you man. Thank you. I watched it front to back. I appreciate the shout out on the special. Thanks. What did he say?

I did. I did watch it. I watched the whole thing. Man. Can I say or no? Am I rude? No, no. You go ahead.

Oh, he's special. Thanks to two Teddy Tom. But here's the thing, man. It's so funny. I think it's going to, all your dreams are going to come true for your standup or your career. But like the coolest things for me watching it was like, there's a lot of funny jokes and funny bits.

I feel like it perfectly represents that. You are in the special who you are for real. You know, and that's a cool thing to see. Like I was like, this is a hundred percent. Cause you know, sometimes you could tape something, shoot something and you're like, ah, fuck. Like that's not really who I am. You know, like, or that didn't come out right.

But this came out to be, this is you. Dude, thank you. This might be the best. I mean, I got, there's only, I've never read reviews or anything and you want your friends to like it. Yeah. Of course. Yeah.

And so thank you. No, I'm going to, I'm going to hit you hard here in a little bit. It was great. It was, it's really fun. I love the title. I think it's such a great, it's exactly what you do. It's a secret title.

Also a fucking throwback. It's funny to call it a throwback. It's a throwback to win comedy specials that were funny. Yeah. It's like somebody up there without, there's no pretentious vibe. He's just like. No bombers.

No. It's just funny. It's funny stories and funny jokes. Just what people want to see. I feel like, thank you. Cause I feel like, I feel like sometimes I feel bummed out that I don't have like an angle that I'm preaching about. Yeah.

These days everyone's got something to preach about. Yeah. And I just, it was for me, it's just funny stories. Don't get me wrong. I didn't like it. I'm talking about, I'm saying other people might like it. Yeah. It's, it's really great.

Thank you. I'm very proud of you. I'm very happy for you. I have a, here's the audio thing they put out. Where is it? Only on Netflix, a startling performance. One of the defining live shows of our time. Watch the comedy show that changed what comedy can be.

The cultural impact of this special will be felt for generations to come. Hannah Gadsby's The Met. Streaming now on Netflix. Great creature. Also has one out called Secret Time. Hey, they did that. I didn't do that. Wow.

That was Netflix. You gotta give it to Netflix marketing for that. Geez. I gotta give, I gotta give a shout out to the, the end of the, the end of the special. That's Tom Segura. Oh, wow. Thanks man. Yeah.

It's so funny. I never, I never take any jokes or anything for people. I just don't. And Mark Norman, Shane Torres, both gave me punch ups and like, cause they were there when I was running the special. Yeah. And you gave me the end. It's the best thing.

Oh, and now I really have to watch the whole, cause I only got bits and pieces from what, like I said, Tom was watching it and I didn't have a chance to sit down. But I really love that you talk about Leanne. I love that. Oh yeah. You talk about your girls. Oh, hard. By the way, have you seen that?

No. Were they at the taping? No. Yeah. They were there, but they didn't see them at the taping. They did not see that. I mean, especially now they, they know what's going on. Oh, they're friends.

It's not like they're four. I know. I still think they're babies. They're friends. All have fucking Netflix. Uh-oh. They're going to be like, especially like your oldest is in high school this year. Yeah.

Netflix on their phone. Oh yeah. They're going to be like, Oh, your dad has something on Netflix. Watch it. You believed in Santa Claus last year? And they're going to be like, Hey, you know your dad said you're a fucking moron. Is this your dumber sister? Yeah.

I talk shit so much shit about them. And I had to go the, I had to say to Georgia and I like, Oh, listen, I talk about you guys on the special and I make jokes about you. You know, I love you. Right. And they're like, yeah. And I go, okay. I was like, what do you got?

What do you say about us? And they both started laughing. And they're going, we're not idiots. And I was like, well, you are. And then I told them the stories that I told on the special and they're like, okay, I can see how that could make me look like an idiot. Yeah. But they're cool with it.

Yeah. They're cool with it. They're fine. And Leigh Ann totally is cool with it. Oh yeah. Leigh Ann gets two shots. That's the least. About the lady whose name you give out.

You're like, you can Google it. Lynn Gruzen. Yeah. She's going to get the rap. She bought the website, Lynn Gruzen.com. For this? So she can make shirts to fuck with me. That's hilarious.

Yeah. That's fun. Yeah. She's cool. Lynn Gruzen. I call her a cunt. And I say she is. I'm being that serious because she is.

She really is. If you look at her face, she's the girl I fuck with her car. If you look at her face, you're like, oh yeah, you can see how she'd be a cunt. I put stickers on her car. And so like we, I used to do it all the time and I would put like make America great again when the election was going and she couldn't get them off and she would lose her shit. But yeah. Really funny.

That's amazing. The whole bit about, I mean, it's great, man. It's a great special. Thanks, man. Thank you. I'm excited to watch. Yeah. It's good.

You're going to have a, I think a fun time with this one, man. Thanks, man. That's the best component I've gotten. You and Forbes magazine. Yeah. Forbes magazine. What night is this thing about me? Forbes?

Forbes. And they were like Burt's special can, this comedian can transcend his party boy image into adulthood. Oh, it's good. And I was like, whoa. How do they like, wait, you're not going to start to wear the shirt, are you? No. Can you imagine how upset people would get now?

Like if you go on this 2019 tour and people are like, we also, like we all, because you think that that showtime thing got you exposure. It's like this, this is going to be a holder level. And then you walk out and you're like, nah, I'm going to do the shirt thing now. People will be like, what the fuck? What about late night? Are you going to do Conan shirtless? You have to now.

I guess I'll take my shirt off. Well, you know, you have to. It's your thing. It's your hook. I'm doing it Monday. Well, you got to go shirtless, dude. I guess I have to. You're going to take the wireless mic.

Bad shirtless sitting. Because my belly must. Everyone looked at me. Oh, for real? Yeah, of course. Wait, so speaking of your wife and kids, we were talking about this right before we sat down. What were we talking about?

We said, well, let's not forget it. Getting out of a 90 day rehab facility, struggling to treat your oversized liver, check out Bert Crisher's new one hour special, Secret Time. Only on Netflix. That's great. That's great. You do good promos. Thanks.

Wait, what were we talking about before? So anyway, we were talking about how when we all kind of started hanging out together that we lived in proximity to each other. And at the time you just had Georgia. Oh, God. No, no, you had to get both kids when we met you. But I was just like, I knew him a little while before you knew. I knew.

I knew him before, right before Ila was born because I remember baby Ila coming to the green room at a club. That's crazy. I know. And I was making 700 bucks a week thinking that it would work out. That is so fun. Like it scares me now. Like, I don't know what scares me now more.

The fact that Tom's going to be 55 when his kids go to high school or the fact that I was broke as fuck with children thinking, oh, this will work out. I know. I can't believe it. You had two littles. It was so cute. We'd come over and they'd be naked time. I remember that.

Yeah. Naked time. Yeah. And they're watching our cartoons. I know people asking, why did you smoke cigarettes and gain so much weight back in that time? I think because I didn't think it was going to work out. Or like, not that you didn't think, it's like, you're like, this is a really high risk. I forgot you used to smoke.

Yeah. I didn't smoke that much. Yeah, you did. No, I didn't. No, he didn't smoke that much. I'd smoke around sets. I'd have a pre or post. And like, no, the thing is you think it's going to, like you hope it's going to work

out. Your reality of the living situation you're in, you know, you're like, this is real, man. This better work out. I can't believe I did that. Like now looking back, I go, that was really irresponsible. So risky. It's just high risk.

High risk, high reward. Yeah. And then now I go, if I could just get like two more years at this, I'm done. You got to do this for another 15 years. Wait, what do you mean two more years? Two more years. I've seen two more years of good touring. Yeah.

And I can just coast. How could you coast after that? Just coast. You have a living expenses. I'll be hosting a game show. Kids got to go to college. I'm ready to sell out. I'm so ready to sell out.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Touring is brutal. Touring is hard as shit. Your schedule is so dumb. Yeah. I know. It's so dumb.

I don't know another way to do it. Tell him why it's dumb. Let's tell him. I mean, here's the truth, if I'm being honest. I know it's dumb because I did it dumb. So that's why I know. So like, I know, I'm not going to give away anything, but I know what's coming up for him.

And like, oh, you haven't, you've only seen North America. Oh my God. Do you know, do you know what that's going to, it's a dude, there's a part of your, there's a part of your thing coming up, dude, where I was looking at the, the dates and it was like one city Thursday, another city Friday, another city Saturday, another city Sunday. And I'm like, you have Monday, Tuesday off, another city Thursday, another city Friday, another city Saturday, another city Sunday, two days off, another city, another city. Like, dude, I'm telling you, it's so much different than doing Columbus this week.

Oh. Hartford next week. Dude, when I did that run with a Bhargatsi, yeah, you only did that for one weekend. I did it for one weekend. I was a fucking mess. And you're going to do it for a year. Because you know me, I have, I have a tendency to allow myself treats when I haven't earned treats.

You know, like, and so those mornings at the airport where I go, I don't want to be here. My brain goes, well, why don't you get yourself a treat? And then I'm like, okay, double T-dose and soda. Oh, tell them. Yeah, why T-dose? Why T-dose? What's the big deal about T-dose? I have no fucking idea.

But isn't there something about the way it's made or something? But why does no one like it? It's handcrafted. It's, it's, it's, I don't know. I have no fucking idea. Do you know that I drank so little, I thought it was vodka. I mean, I thought it was tequila. Sorry.

You thought T-dose was tequila? Yeah. I was like, why does he drink tequila right now? By the way, I cannot help but go to my daughter's school and think about you every time I'm there. So excited for her. And think about what you were like when you were there. A monster. They straighten my shit out though.

Without them, I would have been a wild dog. I'm serious. I was this close to like running the streets and just being crazy. One of the dads, one of the dads was giving a speech about, uh, like about the dad's club. And, uh, yeah, like there's a dad's club. And he's like, you know, and it was, it was so bordering on being inappropriate because he was like, you know, I'm here for the dad's club. And I just want to let you guys know that, you know, I mean, this used to be our dream

like at all girls when you were kids, but, and everyone's like, but, you know, you don't have to feel creepy when you're coming around and like hanging around as a, you know what I mean? Everyone's like, just stop talking. And I'm in the back going, go harder, go harder. Talk about the showers. I did this, uh, a gig in Madison ones where it was at the club, but they're like, it's just going to be girls and their dads like a sorority bought out the club.

Oh, and I did this speech. I was like, no one is ever going to, I was doing like I said, I go, no one's ever going to love you the way your fathers love you. And all the dads were like nodding. And I was like, it's a love that you'll never understand. So you, uh, you probably wonder how you could ever reciprocate the love that your dads give you because it's unlike anything else. And I go, and the really the only thing that would even come close would be if you were

to take your roommates panties and put them in a bag and give them to your dad. And I just stayed on it. I was like, your dad jerks off and he wants to jerk off again. He's not jerking off to your mom. Get your fucking roommates panties, maybe socks, whatever they have that smells and send it to your dad. And I just stayed on it. And there was like dads laughing like really laughing and then just absolute head shakes.

Yeah. But the staff was like, that's the best moment we've had this year. I couldn't, I couldn't, um, I can't watch porn that even is remotely young. No, because, because George is 14. So all her friends are like, they're young ladies. Yeah. And I can't, I'm like, fuck that. Like I have to watch old lady, like broken.

Isn't that interesting? And it'll probably the age will keep going up that you can respond to as your daughter's age. You know what I mean? Sure. It's normal. Although my father doesn't seem to feel that way. Yeah. You're definitely not.

I just married a 34 year old. Your dad fucks chicks younger than you. Oh my God. Crazy. It's so gross. By the way, so that the school your daughter goes to, they did have father daughter dances. Yeah. They do every year and you have to go as a costume theme.

I remember one year and it's super creepy cause you're like, wait, it's couples then. Oh, I already know my costume. What? I'm cooking his girlfriend. She's like, what? She's 18 years old. So crazy. I mean, look, if they're in love, they're in love.

I'm not shitting on it. I just, I can't imagine having anything in common with an 18 year old. So pain. I have a hard time talking to my daughters. I can't imagine. Do you want to play some clips from the special? Oh, please. Yeah.

He's been waiting a lot. Can you tell he's been excited to have you, Bert? Oh, he goes, he goes, we're going to have so much fun with you when you're here. And I was like, in my head, I'm in the shower. I'm like, there's going to be a scale. No. So secret time. It comes out this Friday, August 24th on Netflix worldwide.

Here's a clip. All right. I'm going to Walmart. I'm going to Walmart. So I got these donuts. Something like something. It's interesting how you turn the crowd's laughter down. Yeah.

I was a little bit isolated. That's cool. I didn't even know you could do that. Sorry. The fuck was he doing? He's just, he's a glutton. And he does these, these feeding videos. Are you serious?

Yeah. Yeah. There's some clip of you online and you're laughing. Hard as shit. I don't know what it's. Oh my God. It's the best. Oh, I'm laughing my ass.

You're laughing. The look on push his face is so disturbed. And it's, I think it's about some guy hitting a girl. Yeah. Yeah. You're laughing so hard. I thought, oh, that's, that's only a marriage. What do you think?

You think Tom's a bit of a sociopath? I, you know, I've never seen that. There's, yes. Really cool answer. I remember, I remember, and I can't share this story. I can't share this story because it's, it's a, it is a secret. But Tom told me a story one time. It was a, about a long, a past relationship he'd had with someone.

And he told me a story. And what excited him in the story was so disturbing to me that I went, huh. Yeah. And to this day, it's like, it's like Leanne doesn't do ass play. You can't fuck around with her asshole. And so I'll never be able to change her mind about that. Yeah. And so, but I remember Tom telling me that.

And I just, to this day, I think about that. I think about, I honestly don't know what you're talking about. I wish I could share, but I would hate to bring it up. And then you go, I really didn't want, it was like two guys talking. Oh, okay. Okay. One of those long road trips.

About butt sexy. I don't know. No. I don't know. I really don't know what it is. I don't know. I don't want to share it. Oh my God.

I mean, him not wanting to share it. Oh, it's not, it's not even that bad, but, but I do want to share it. Can't be that bad. Yeah. It's just, no. It's about sex. It's about sex. Okay.

Okay. Is it about farting? No. It's like, it was like, okay. Imagine if someone was like, um, imagine if it's, I can't even say it. Like imagine if someone's like, do you love fajitas? And then you go, oh, I do love fajitas. It's like in your favorite part when you just put your tongue on the, on the metal and it

burns your tongue, you're like, no, I don't do that. And then, and then your buddy's like, that is my favorite part. And you're like, and I was in the car going, I've never done that. And now I'm thinking, how come I've never done that? And how come I'm not into that? I've seen it, but I've never done it. So that's got you. Okay.

Well, we won't expose anybody. You think you would like the jokes? The Casey Anthony joke? Oh, please don't. So unnerving. What? So, okay. I gotta go.

I'm going to get some coffee. So where's Kate? Do they know where Casey Anthony is? Yeah, she's fine. She's not guilty. She's fine. Oh, okay. She's chilling in Florida somewhere, I'm sure.

Casey Anthony is the person that I found out you could get chloroform online. Oh, yeah. You can just buy chloroform online. I didn't know that. Is that real? Yeah. You can get chloroform and just, it just sent to your house. Amazon?

Yeah. Amazon. You can get chloroform. I'm not even fucking around. I have a joke about that. I didn't even know it's real. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Crazy. It was so funny. Yeah. Definitely. Okay. Real quick. I'm glad you shared that with everybody. Every lunatic listen.

Are you fucking kidding me? It just makes my weekend so much easier. And then like, when they're in trial, they'll be like, this guy, Burke, you said it. So, all right. Tomorrow, you say Leanne's like, how are you doing? You're like, what's the fucking questions? And you divorce her.

Right? Okay. That is deleted. So what are you doing? What's with the fucking point? You're writing a book? I'm out of here. Yeah.

So you're free. Okay. You're free and clear. And then you go to do a gig in Tampa and you meet this girl at a bar. She's Brunette. She's super cute. Yeah. Got a little attitude, which I know you like.

Yep. And she's, she's like, you're like, hi. And she like pantomime, like puts her hands around your neck. She's like, ah, and you're like, I'm just fucking around. I'm just fucking around. Yeah. Let's do shots. You're like, you're painting or something.

I'll like her. There's two shots. And I'm like, okay. Yeah. Yeah. That is kind of your dream girl. We'll talk about that next. Yeah.

So she's, she's giving you shit. She's kind of checking you a little bit. And you're like, ah, I just got divorced yesterday. And feel pretty good. I'm not into questions. Yeah. And she's like, step, step, step, step. And she's a fucking around with you.

And then you guys leave together. You're like, I haven't been with another woman in so long. I like how you added a whole backstory now. This joke. It used to be very simple. And now there's a whole. And then you go back to your hotel with her. Start making out.

You're like, oh, this is so new to me. I'm just so used to one person. And then she's like, oh, really? Check this out. And she drops your pants. And she just goes, ha. And just fully down your throat, spits on your balls, puts your legs back in, like, to change my diet.

I started. Wow. By the way, this is a lot like the secret I wasn't going to tell. Keep going. So she's just like, like every time you're like, wow, she's got back to choking on you. Oh, wow. This is like that I go to the secret I wasn't going to tell.

It is not. She's like hawking loogies on you. You're like, oh my god, my wife didn't do this. She's doing the reverse fucking run this and double hand. And you're like, oh my god. And you're just right as your eyes roll back. You're about to finish. And she goes, and you're like, here it goes.

And as you come, she goes, I killed my fucking daughter. And what's the question? No, what's the joke? Where's the punch lines? What parts of funny is to you that? Do you think it will ruin your orgasm? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I have that from from not even joking around. Leanne started ruining my orgasms with that stuff. No, she I was having an orgasm one time and she was on top. Do you really think he's going to kill her daughter? Are you going to do that to her next time? No, no. I was having sex with her and I started to have an orgasm.

And she saw it in my eyes and she went, oh, look at him. And it fucking went away. It went away. And I went, hey, don't ever talk during my orgasms. And she's like, why? Is that bad? I go, yeah, because I can't have an orgasm now. And so then the next time we had sex, she's on top and we're going.

And she sees it happening in my face. And she starts smiling, like biting her tongue. And I'm like, don't fuck. And for like a month, I wasn't having orgasms. Oh, I don't want to picture this. Anyway, so I'm trying to work on that case again. I think there's something to it. Right?

Yeah. So let's say Leanne dies tomorrow. Oh, here we go. I like this scenario. All right. Let's start off when I get $2 million from life insurance. Hey, she's worth a lot. That's good.

$2 million. Anyways, so, hey, she's dead. Tom and I talk about this all the time. Who's the second wife? Probably a boat. I'll buy a boat first. What was the second? What was the question?

What's the second wife like? What's the second spouse are you with? I'm saying Tom's going to go for like the Dalmatian trophy. She thinks I'm going to get a real dummy. A real dumb dumb, like 25 years old yoga instructor. Never pushes back. Never challenges him. The total dope.

Just like... She's like... Oh, yeah. Yeah, right? Like a total dumb dumb. Are you going to do one of your comedy skits tonight? Sketch it. And then she goes...

He's so funny. Yeah. And she goes to all your shows and watches every single one of them. Great job, baby. She's so good. Even when I get like heckled, she's like, that was great. He's so funny. He doesn't turn it off.

I love him. This is what I mean. I am laughing all day long. Yeah, that girl. I'd probably go with... I'd probably go with someone like that. I definitely would like to do some stuff that I haven't been able to do. Like...

I don't know what he's talking about. You live a single person's life. Yeah. No, no, no. I meant sexually. I liked to like... Oh, yeah. We're going rough and rowdy.

Yeah. I'm not going to... We haven't really like switched things up, like done anything crazy in a very long time. You mean like fuck swings or like... I don't know. Just everything. I mean...

Group sex, things like that. No, I'd just be young. I wouldn't be young. Yeah. I would go probably... I'd probably go like 30 years old. I know that's not young, but 30 for me is really young.

Yeah. 30 years old. You're 46? Oh, no, no, no. Yeah, I don't know. I go 30 years old and I start having kids again too. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd definitely have two more kids or boys. Because like a lion? Like you got up, you got up. You got to kill the other ones. This almost makes me excited now. Like, yeah, I definitely wouldn't have more kids. And would you tell your daughters now you'd be like, hey, sorry, but like...

But they'll be in college. They're babies. I know, but you got to be like... Oh, they'll be in... First of all, if they're not in college, they'll be in boarding school. If Leigh-Anne's not here, I'm not going to live with them.

They're out of their minds. And okay, but I see... I see them kind of with a party girl. Like a... Like a bleachy blonde party girl. Arizona State. Yeah. Graduate, right?

Yeah. She's got to have a bad attitude though. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, she's got tattoos on her. Yeah. Ankle tats, a dolphin somewhere. Kind of always disapproving of him.

You know, like having fun with him, but being like just kind of snappy. Kind of shitting on him a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, I definitely need that. I often think if Leigh-Anne died, no one. Like if she died before me, everyone would be like,

everyone would be like, everyone would be like, you should have been you. Everyone. Like at her funeral, they'd be looking at me like, the wrong one died. I asked Leigh-Anne one time,

how upset she'd be, like if I died, she goes, I got to be honest with you, I think I might be a tad bit relieved. And I went, really? And she goes,

I mean, I worry about you a lot. And I feel like, I feel like I take care of you so much that if you died, I'd be like, finally I can focus on me. Wow.

That seems really real. Very real. She's got to tell us we're a therapist, right? Yeah, she's, yeah. Damn. Sure, her, Damn. Yeah, I don't know.

I definitely would go young. What if you dipped in on her therapy session, she was like, Oh, first, first I go through and fuck all her friends. Oh, you would? Oh, I just go through, I clean up, I clean up all her friends.

Yeah, but she's like, mom friends. Nah, I just go through and tear those up once, ruin everyone's marriage. I remember one time I told Leigh-Anne, which of her friends I thought I could fuck, this is a long time ago.

Yeah. She was like, we're not even friends with those people. And I was like, I definitely could fuck her. And Leigh-Anne's like, no, you couldn't. And I go, no, I definitely,

I know who I can fuck and I know I can't fuck. Okay. And then Leigh-Anne brought it up to them at dinner. Oh, my God. I was like, now I definitely can't fuck her.

Wow. She was like, I would never have sex with you. And I was like, I think you're wrong about that. And her husband's there? Yeah. He's like,

she would. I mean, I was better looking than her husband at the time. I still am. I could check this out. Wow. I'm trying to get fatter.

I want to be like my hero. His name's Bert Kreisch. Jesus Christ. He's an American comedian. And he's so fucking fat. So I want to look like him. So in the last eight months, I put on about a stone and a half

because I want to be fat like him. How the fuck? How the fuck? I don't know. They just send it in. That's fucking insane. I do have the actual promo here of the show. Who do I get to remarry?

I probably wouldn't get married. Oh, yeah. I bet you'd move to Ohio and you'd start writing books. I don't know. If Tom died, you and the boys would move somewhere nice. I think you'd leave LA. You'd move somewhere nice. Santa Barbara.

Yeah. And then you probably would knock it on stage again. I don't know. I think she would hook up with like Gardner. The Gardner? Yeah. The Gardner. Maybe the team of Gardners.

Like the whole squad. Like a... I'd be like, hey, Mr. Thumb. I have not seen him. Mr. Thumb. And then they should be like, he died. And they'd be like, that's nice. You still write the checks.

And you're like, yeah, I'll still write the checks. And they're like, me and Jose, Raul. I want to give you some La Polla. Oh my God. Try it out. Some chorizo in your mouth. Jesus. All right.

What? I love that you're getting this so specific. But then you'd be like, no. But you leave the door open and they'd be like, venga. And all the Gardners would run a train on me. Is that what you're saying? You took to that. You jumped over there.

You suggested it. You used the language. They would run a train on me. Babe. You don't think it would... So you think that would happen? No. I think it's more likely for Leanne to be with another woman than be with another man.

Really? Yeah. Are you serious? I used to think Leanne was gay when I first met her. Why? She's not... Because she's like... She's just kind of like, I don't know.

I don't think she... I don't see her... I do not see her longing for another man. Like, that just is not in her book. See if you like this. Ready? Hold on. Let me get this set up here.

This is... She likes it. This looks like it's Blue's Clues. Okay, hold on. What the fuck? Who made this? Disgusting tune! Oh, my god.

I like this dance. I was about to pass out. Oh, my god. Who did that? I commissioned it to be done. You did not? I swear to god. He did.

That is amazing. They even got my gold teeth in there. Yeah. They put my gold teeth in there. Yeah. They gave you gorillas too. They have this made up bald spot in the back of your head too. Yeah, I know.

Well, that is bizarre that they put that in there. Yeah, that's Tony, Solano, and Eric Friedman. I want to say it. Make sure I say it right. Are you serious? That is fucking amazing. Are you so excited about this, by the way? Yeah.

I've been watching this for years. Did you post that online yet? No, not yet. Oh, my god. That's fucking amazing. Yeah. See how much he loves you? He produces all the stuff for you to come in.

He doesn't do this for anybody, just so you know. Really? Oh, my god. Come on. I also did. Let's see. He's so excited for you. I had to pick a musical.

There are so many good ones. I picked them. Sorry. I had to pick a musical bed for... Where is this one? He's really proud of you. I am proud of him. Here's the classic one, the classical music one.

Let's see. It's the same thing, but with... I couldn't figure out which music to put in it. Oh, I like this one. They did a great job. This is awesome. Yeah. But we'll post it everywhere.

That is fucking awesome. If you're just listening, we'll post it everywhere. We'll put it on Instagram. We'll put it on YouTube. I'll give it to you to post if you want. Please. Did you see my billboard by any chance? Where?

Is it the image that I... I haven't seen the billboard. It's just my belly. So it's the image that's in that... Yeah. That's great. It's Netflix sent it to me. And they were like, I hope you like this.

We really like it. We're not making fun of you. We just think it's gonna... We'll really stand out. And I didn't see the right one at first. And I was like, I don't like it. It was something else. And they're like, all right, we've drawn up alternatives.

But once again, we'd ask you to reconsider this. And I know that they were thinking that they thought... With all the fat shaming stuff that I was like... As soon as I saw it, I went, oh my God, it's fucking awesome. And then they were like, oh, thank God. I like when you posted, you're like, this is so us. Because it's his next to mine. So it's like me in like jacket black.

Did you see it? I think so. Well, let me see it. Pull it up, Tom. It's on Instagram. I'll pull it up here. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So wait, the billboard is just your belly or shirtless.

I'm so excited. And where is it? Where's your billboard? Where's one on Melrose and one on Kowenga? That's the one I got, the one on Melrose. Dude, that's awesome. Yeah, I'm super... I've never been...

I mean, it's not my face, but yeah. Oh, that's great. He's like, this is so us. That's great. Yeah, that's great. Oh, I'm so proud of you, Bert. Oh, thanks. I love that fucking...

That cartoon. So good. That's really great. Does your dad... Well, he hasn't seen the screen yet. No, he won't watch it. He won't watch it, you sure? No.

Your sisters are going to watch it. My sisters are going to watch it. My dad won't watch it. It makes my dad nervous. Why? You know what's funny? I love... I was going to tell you this.

I love when you remember a story in real life with one of your friends or somebody told and then you see it in a bit. I remember a Banana Republic story like 10 years ago. Oh, yeah, yeah. So it's cool to see this story like that you... I heard in a car, you know what I mean? Like on our way to a game. Are you saying a bit that he worked out?

Well, it was just like a story. He was like, I was, you know, my dad, blah, blah, blah. I told the story in the car and then you fast forward. You're like, oh, that's on... That's in a bit. Dude, most of what I... Most of what I'm doing... I'm not even joking.

I think our things I would tell you when we were driving out to Brea. Yeah. And we just bullshit. There's a bit that I had you laughing so hard at when we were driving to Brea one time and I thought this could be a joke and I cannot remember how to do it. It was about growing up in a white trash neighborhood and it was something about... There were these two brothers, Darren and Darren, Darryl and Darren, and I was in first grade and I walked up and he was fingering a girl in his front yard and I was just standing

there. Wait, what grade? I was in first grade and he was older. Damn. And he was fingering a girl and I was standing there trying to talk to him. I don't remember the story, but you were laughing so hard and I was like, I remember going, I gotta work this out. And I was like, don't work it out tonight because then he'll know that you got it from this

moment or he'll feel like you were running bits on him working out later. And I never worked it out and I still don't know that bit. What a neat story though. It's already making me laugh. You should bring it back. Fingering. I like the best part is that you're standing there like, hey man. I was like, are we going to play smear the queer later?

And he was like, I'm in the middle of something and I was like... Wait, he was on his front lawn fingering a girl? He was under a tree just fingering this girl and I was so oblivious. I walked up and I was first grade and I was in my speedo. You want to go swimming? Yeah. And I was like, so are we playing smear the queer later? And he was like, excuse me?

And I was like, are we going to play smear the queer? And he was like... Are you an out of control drunk fat guy? Want to see one? Bert Kreischer's new special, Secret Time, is on Netflix right now. Right now. Right now. Wait, who did these?

That's Jake. He's a voice over artist. Jake Lazer, yeah. Really? Yeah. He's a professional. Real deal. This guy does movies.

Yeah, yeah. Really? He's a real... I mean, yeah. No, this wasn't free. Not if it was. That's why I got so nervous. We had so much fun with you.

I was like, oh, fuck donuts are going to be there. Oh, yeah. I got hit up so much. That's another one. What happened to our donut eating contest? Oh. I remember when I called you and you were like, I could definitely fucking smash. It was right before the marathon.

By the way, okay. So you did... Somewhere in the last year, you did a marathon? A half marathon. A half marathon. You just did a mini triathlon? A Spartan race and a triathlon. Why?

What's going on with you? What's all this? I used to be in a life crisis. Yeah. I think so. I think I actually... 46? 45.

Turning 46. In November, yeah. Oh, wow. So... Yeah. I don't know. The marathon was the biggest mistake of my life. Seriously?

If I could go back, I would never have run that marathon. Why would you call it the biggest mistake of your life? Because I went from... We were all over around 225 at the time. All of us, we had kept off the weight for so long. And then when I ran the marathon, I couldn't walk for a week. And I couldn't work out for over a month. And I put on 15 pounds immediately.

Jesus Trejo ran the marathon with me, too. And he was like, dude, I gained so much weight after that marathon. Wow. Because both of us... My body was unusable. So you're just like, I can't move. I cannot express to you how little I could walk after the marathon for a week. I couldn't get out of bed and move.

And still, my scap... I mean, it's just an unneeded pressure on your body. But... It didn't stop you from doing all these other wacky things. Well, I did the triathlon because men's health hit me up and was like, man, we're so inspired by all these things you're doing. You're making the average guy, these accessible for the average guy. And what's next?

And I was like, I've always wanted to do a triathlon. I've always wanted... Man, that triathlon was scary as fucking shit. I would... So that people understand what you're talking about. There are full, there are half, there are like sprint ones. Sprints. So this...

But just so people understand, you swam 400 meters? 400 meters, which is... I think everyone... I remember telling it to Ari and Ari, and Ari was like, oh, so it's doable. And that's what I thought. Very doable. Until you actually get in the water and swim,

and you're like, okay, quarter of a mile is a long swim. Yeah. And it takes me... It takes me in the pool, it takes me eight minutes to do, and I am gassed at the end of 400 meters. And you're supposed to go straight from that to a 10-mile bike ride? To a 10-mile bike ride, and then... A three-mile.

And then a three-mile run. And so I did the swim, dude. Here's the biggest problem with me, is I am truly competitive. There is this part of my brain where I was getting out there, I was like, I'm not coming at last. I'm not gonna allow myself to come at last. And so I get off the swim, and I get out first 100 meters, and halfway in, I look out, and I'm like, number four.

And I'm like, I'm fucking leading this triathlon. And I'm like, holy shit. And I'm looking, I'm like, checking. And everyone's going in the total wrong fucking direction. Like, they're all swimming wide. And I'm like, I'm gonna fucking... I'm gonna lead this. And then I start going, I know I can do this swim.

I'm gonna fucking lead this triathlon. I get to the buoy, and I cut real tight on the buoy. And I do this move I'd only seen online. I'd never tried it before. But it's like a swim where you kind of flip over your body and swim. And so you take your thing, and then you flip on your back, and it's a way to turn. And as soon as I did it, this Chinese guy jumped on my stomach,

sunk me under water, and dove over me. I sucked in water, breathed in water, came up, and I go to take another breath, and another guy grabs on my back and pushes over me. Because they're just getting you out of the way? They're fucking, it's a race. They're fucking racing. And I'm in the way, and they're climbing over me,

and they're punching me. And I start getting drowned. I'm literally drowning. I'm in, like, probably 100 feet of water. I'm 100 yards out, and I still have 300 yards to swim back in. And I almost waved over one of the guys on the surfboard. Like, I think I'm dying. And then I just got on my back and, like, started breathing.

And people were still, on my back, people were climbing on me. So I had to swim out wide. And that's why they were swimming wide. That's why they were swimming wide. Because everyone was swimming out wide. Because they were like, I don't want to get beat up. Like, a fucking idiot. And so I had just got trampled by, like, 40 people

just swimming over me. By far, is the swimming the hardest part? Easily the hardest part. Easily. No questions asked. And the bike is the easiest. Bike is a cake. Not a cakewalk, but, like, like an idiot,

once again, I get on the bike. And I got to, I bought a really expensive bike. Of course you did. Of course you got the best bike. The best, the best. The guy at iMartin, the guy is a big fan of all of ours. And he goes, he's like, he's like a British guy. And he's like, you know, we can, you know,

if we can do, like, microcarbon or whatever. And they'll take, like, a pound off this. And I go, yeah, yeah, let's shave as much weight off the bike as we can. And then he looked at me and he goes, or you could ride the bike a little bit and lose, like, 10 pounds. And it'll leave me lighter.

It's like, oh yeah, that's right. But I get on the bike. Oh, tell me real quick, were you the biggest guy there by far? Tom. I mean, everybody was just, like, leaving. They must have been super in shape. And then, yeah. I get up there and I was like, yeah,

I'm here for, registered for the triathlon. And they're like, oh, are you in our Clydesdale division? And I went, excuse me. Go ahead. It's for fat people. They call them Clydesdales. I go, no, wait, I could have been in the Clydesdales. They're like, wait, you're just running the regular triathlon?

I was like, yeah. And they're like, oh, you should have registered for the Clydesdales. And I was like, no. And so I was by far the fattest person there. There's, like, without a doubt. And my fucking swimsuit did not fit right. Look at it. I love it.

It's like it's look at all these other dudes. They don't even make double XL triathlon suits. Because no one does it. I mean, they do. You have to get them a special order though. So fucking hilarious. Look at those fit people. This is it starting right here.

Yeah. Fuck. Are you trained for this? Thank you. Yeah. I trained hard. I thought you didn't. I was like, he's going to die.

And so I keep swimming, right? And when I get, by the time I get a little buoy, see all these people going wide? Yeah. I'm like, where the fuck are they going? Oh, my God. The bike I get on the bike, and I start blowing past people.

Yeah. Blowing past people. You look really good in that. Super tight. Oh, yeah. I was like, hey, Leanne, you could have taken one picture where I don't look fat as fuck.

And she was like, I was really hard to kind of get one of those. I get on the bike. I start blowing past everybody. And then we get to this uphill and the uphills by this prison. And everyone I pass just fucking flies past me. Then we get to this downhill at the top of the prison.

And I start going on my watch. It tells you how fast you're going. I'm going like fucking 35 miles per hour. I'm hauling ass on my bike, flying past people going, why are they going so slow? There's a cop going, sharp turn, sharp turn. I'm like, ah, skid around the turn.

I mean, I really was unprepared for this fucking thing. How hard is it to run after all that? The first mile is almost, you feel like your body, remember when we go to Barry's boot camp and you get off and you do chest and then you get on the thing?

They're like, my body's not working. Yeah. It was like that. Because you did swim bike. You did swim bike. But then you what? You were kind of recuperate on the second mile. On the second mile, you start feeling good.

And then at the end of the second mile, you're like, oh, I'm almost done. I'm almost done with the whole fucking day. And then I got to this and it's hot as shit out there. And we ran through all these Mexican families grilling out. We ran through a park. So these Mexican families are like staring at us

like all these white people, jogging in ridiculous outfits. And what did you eat after completing this? I didn't eat poorly. I went home. Yeah. I ate good because I'd learned my... I got a nutritionist from Men's Health,

this girl Cynthia. She's awesome. And she got me on a pretty strict diet. I wasn't boozing. I didn't... I haven't drank for like a month almost. I drank this weekend though. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm not going to Columbus. I'm not going to have a few fucking cocktails. Yeah. I bet Columbus is a good cocktail type. Oh. I always felt like the ass rip. Yeah.

This is a real clip from his special. Yeah. Yeah. Lower your expectations, Philly. We're just getting drunk and telling secrets. Secret time. Secret time. Secret time.

When I get out of the shower, I dry my asshole on the bed. Bam. Secret time. Leigh Ann got so pissed. Secret time. Sometimes when I wipe my ass, I spit on the toilet paper.

It's called Alabama Wet Wipe. Secret time. Secret time. Beard looks dark. Secret time. When my wife has an orgasm, she looks like Elvis. I'm sure she loves Alan.

Yeah. She get pissed about that one? No. She got pissed about the wiping, drying my bed on the ass. Really? On the bed. Because you probably do.

I definitely do. I get out of the shower, and I just go and I, I put a little, like pinch a little volcano out of the comforter, and I just sit on it and dry my asshole. So nasty. Yeah.

I mean, like I'm nasty. I'm a nasty dude. You're nasty as fuck. I'm really nasty. Well, let's, then let me ask you this, because I've got a few hemorrhoids from the second pregnancy. Tom's like,

ask a bird about this, because he's probably an expert on hemorrhoids. I'm gonna throw up. Trying to be nasty. Trying to be nasty, too. But so tell me about, how do I get rid of them? Do I have to have surgery,

or is there, is there any other way to get rid of these things? I've had them come and go. That's what I was talking about. Why do they come and go? What makes them come and go? Take your weight,

or your eating? I don't know. I had one in Singapore when I was doing the Australian tour. I got one in Singapore, and I thought I had ass cancer. It hurts so bad. When does it hurt you

when you're just sitting down or when you're breathing? Mine was hurting all the time. But they can come in, and then it's like, so you pushed really hard to make a baby come out. To make a baby come out.

So that inflames the veins down there, and that's why it's... But I had some during my pregnancy, and I think it's because I was so heavy. How do you have them bad? Yeah, oh, my bad. My sister had a cluster of them.

She'll love to hear this part. Yeah, she will fucking lose her shit. But it only hurts when I wipe. Did she have them cut? No, I think they just go away. I think if you just... You gotta get a suppository. What?

Have you ever put a suppository in? I've done it once, and I got it halfway in, and then I immediately started shitting, and I was like, oh, and I just pooped it out right away. I used to have a joke about... But it's very specific.

This is my impression of suppository. No, no, no, no, no. I'll take it from here. Wait, I'm curious now. What's the part that I liked in the sex story that you were like... Oh, no, this. Oh, wait, on the sex story?

Yeah. Wait, that you told me? Yeah. No. No? I don't want to know now, because I'm making a big deal. All right, all right, all right.

That's better if we don't talk about it. Okay, here's another clip. Sometimes my family gangs up on me. Like the other night, we're at dinner, and you're like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, No, I'm not. And Leigh Ann's like, yeah, well, actually, we're talking about it.

You are. I go, excuse me, and then George says, we don't like the way you talk to Alexa. Are you kidding me right now? She was, we just think,

if it was a man, you'd treat it with more respect. I was like, it's not a man or a woman, it's a cylinder I bought and I'll throw in the fucking pool. And then one night, I get into a fight with Alexa.

It's my fault, I'm drunk, right? I'm really drunk and I'm calling her Siri for like two hours. I'm like, turn on the fucking pool lights. And then I realize I'm like,

Alexa, and the one in the bedroom turns on, I'm like, bitch, shut up, I'm not talking to you. Alexa, clean the shit out of your ears and turn on the fucking pool lights.

And my wife comes in, she's like, who are you yelling at? And Alexa's like, no one, isn't that right Alexa? Alexa's like, yeah,

I fell. He's a good band, Leanne. It's my fault, the pool lights are on, Bert. I immediately, the very next week, made that joke better. Of course,

it always goes like, it always goes like. Where did you film? Filly, that was the entire second show. There's so many things that you get the relief of shooting.

And the next week, something in your brain goes, don't worry about it. And then you say it there and you're like, mother fucker. And then the joke is perfect now and you just fucking filmed it. Yeah.

And I, you know, what's so funny is, I've got jokes now, that I, in my new hour, that I am so much more proud of than in that hour. And I wanted,

I want to do them now. I want to get them out, you know, like, I'm afraid that people are going to come up with these jokes before me. You know, like you ever get like,

antsy with material? Of course. It's a good thing. How soon until you tape your next special? Tape it? Yeah. I would, I would assume if I'm

on the same, like pattern that I've been on, probably next fall. Yeah. Like a year from, a year from now, basically. Yeah.

Don't you think? Yeah. I guess I was telling, I was talking to Whitney. I ran into Whitney Cummings on the plane the other day. And I was like, oh, like if I had had,

I think if I had had three more months to work on material in that special, I probably would have gotten completely bored of it. Like, like, there's a certain,

there's a sweet spot on when you're still passionate about the material. That is 100% true. And then you fucking want to bar so, and then you phone it in when you go,

when you go and stick it. Were you excited about it still here? I was perfect. The zip lining story was like right at the port part. Like I cannot tell that story now. Oh yeah.

I can't tell the, there's a story, there's two things that I dropped the day after I taped because I was so sick of saying them. Really? Yeah.

I was like, man. So yeah, it does get to a point sometimes where you're like, I got it, I got to drop this. And there was stuff that I,

that I, I was touring with, that I shot, that I cut from the special, brought back to my new hour and made better. I'm like,

now this is why I dropped it because I just made it better and now I like it. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. What's interesting is the, the time travel story.

Yeah. In there, I had tried to slide it, an iteration of that into my, my showtime special. And it just wasn't working the way I wanted it to. And so I was like,

I'll leave it out. And then like the, and then I did the showtime special, started going on the road, writing new stuff. And then that time travel special bit turned into

the best fucking bit. And I was like, oh, thank God I didn't try to force it in. Isn't that right? Cause I think that's kind of what happened to me in like this most recent one.

I, I cut something where I was like, I could leave it in. Yeah. And then I, you know, I showed it to a couple of guests. So I cut it.

And now I feel like one of them is the best bit in my current hour, I think. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I wish we could go, I wish we could go on tour

together. I don't, I'm tired of doing going by myself. Will that ever happen? We could do gigs together. Probably not tours. I know, but like,

I want to go like, I always look at like, it seems like Dave Chappelle, all he does is go and see comics. Like he's like, he's at Michelle Wolves show.

He's at Amy show. He's at Chris Rock show. Yes. He puts together shows where he invites people. Oh, is that what he does? Yeah. Okay.

So he's like, do you want to come down to Atlanta? Like, Is that they were just in Atlanta at the Tabernacle? Yeah. Yeah.

Which is a fucking. It was him, John Stuart, Chris Rock. Yeah. Michelle. You guys could do that. Yeah. Couple of dudes with beards.

He also has pretty deep pockets from what I hear. Like, I know that on that, remember he did that run at Radio City last year? Yeah. Like,

he just had a bunch of extraordinary money and like they would be like, you're not even like making money on this gig. No, he's like, I'll give a shit. Like,

like I make like 80 million a year, bro. I don't care. Shut up. Yeah. He doesn't care. How many what's, what's the perfect amount of

shows to tape because he taped like nine in DC. That's way too many. Yeah. Way too. But if you figure if you did nine shows, you'd definitely have an

amazing special. I'd say four. Four I think four. I was like, yeah, Mike, when I did this one, the first show,

I fucking sucked. I taped two shows. You taped two. And the first one sucked. I think Joe said he taped four this last time. Yeah. He's good.

Yeah. He did it. He did it in the Wilbur. Yes. Yeah. That's a great fucking thing. That is. Yeah.

That's one in Boston. Yeah. I'm going to do that one, I think in 2019. Nice. Are you? Yeah. We're all touring pretty,

pretty big in 2019. About the same time. Yes. Did you, you took a look at my schedule? I did. Are we, we're not overlapping, right?

No, like some of the stuff is going to be like different market, same market, like two months apart. That's probably the closest, I guess I think. That's not bad.

That's not bad. I almost sent you how much I was making at each gig on accident. You can do that. I know. And then I was like, I probably should.

Now, you do say the N word a lot in your new special. Hey, let's check out this. I want to make sure. Wait. Can you hear again?

Yeah. Okay. I'll be great if he became known as N word. Dude, I have a bit, I have a bit with the N word in it.

That is the funniest bit I have right now. And I can't tell it. I can't tell it because it's not perfect. It's not, it's not perfect. And in order to make it a

perfect bit, I'd have to do it on stage. And in order to make it perfect, I would have to say the N word 150 times. Do it. No, I can't be that guy.

It's the, it's the funniest fucking bit. Now you're just teasing the audience. Give it to us. No. Why? Because I,

like, I just, it's such a good fucking story. I mean, what's the big deal? Yeah. Big words. Come on. No.

You're not going to tell us? No. If I, if I figured out, I'll tell it. I can't, you have, the N word has to be said in

the story. Yeah. It has to be said in the story. And, and it's not even me saying it. Well, I understand that. Yeah. So go ahead.

But then I have to, no, in order to make it good, I'd have to say the word nonstop. It's okay. But you're not saying it. You're saying someone else says it.

Yeah. Just go for it. Try it out. Okay. Are you going to do it? You want to hear it? Yeah. It's a good story.

Okay. All right. So trigger warning. If you get upset by words, so when I was, I used to work at safe escort for, it's a wet safe escort at Florida State.

I used to walk girls across campus. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. So I did for a job in college. And, how do they know that? How are you qualified to do that?

My buddy Chris hired me. Okay. And he's just like, walk this girl back. Like, is it like late night kind of stuff? Is that why it's like, is it?

Yeah. Yeah. It's late in the evening. You were probably drunk. No, I was sober. I was still sober. I was working at my buddy. Chris Carter was my supervisor.

And he's like, Hey man, if you got the keys to the car, cause we had a car and the keys to the office, can you just drop them off at my house to have to be there tomorrow? And I was like,

again, he's like, I'm having a party. So feel free to come in and have a drink. And I was like, all right. So I smoke a little weed. I get in my,

I was driving my sister's blue convertible Ford Mustang. I put in some fish back then, put my hair in a ponytail and I head over to Chris Carter's. Right. So I pull up and it's a massive fucking party.

I mean, it's, I went to school Florida state and I knew a lot of people in college, but I don't know one person at this party. I pull in this, in this Ford and this convertible and I can't even find a spot to park.

And I'm bumping into people like it with my car to get through the party and people are getting pissed. I'm like, fuck it. I'll come back tomorrow. I'm not going to, I'm not going to deal with it. So I pull out of the party.

It takes me forever to get out of the party. And it's in one of those big complexes and I pull around to the other side. And on the other side is an equally big party, except it's for FAMU. It's all black.

Right. So I pull and I'm like, shit. This is by the way, this is 1994, 93, four. This is right around the time with the Rodney King

and Reginald Denney and, and race relations in the south aren't awesome. And by the way, it's Tallahassee. It's a segregated city pretty much. Yeah. So I pull in

and I'm thinking, fuck, I can't get back. I can't turn around and get back out. I'm going to have to go through this party and it's fucking rate. It's equally as big and I'm bumping into people

and I can see people like fucking Jesus. And I'm like, I'm sorry. Like, and I get into the dead center of the party and the car in front of me stops,

doors open and they disappear. And now I'm sitting in there in a convertible, listening to fish. I'm high. I'm starting to, I'm starting to get like panicking. You know how you get high

and start overthinking things. And a black guy just starts staring at me. Like, and I can feel him staring at me. And I'm like, not even looking, just looking straight ahead.

And he's like, Hey, white boy, you scared? And I don't say anything. I don't even reply to him. And he goes, white boy, I'm talking to you.

Look at me when I speak to you. And I kind of look over and he goes, Oh, you are scared, aren't you? And I'm thinking, I'm about to get knocked the fuck out.

And I'm like, no, I'm not scared at all. And he leans on my car, like right where the window is, leans on it. He goes, well,

tell me if you're scared now, motherfucker. And my car hits the brights, hits the horn, and his best white voice goes, move it, niggers. And he disappears

into the crowd. Everyone turns around. And I'm like, no, I didn't say it. I didn't say it. Guy grabs me, starts to pull me out of my car.

My car starts rolling forward and the dude shows up because I'm fucking around. I said it. And they were like, what? And they put me back in my car. I'm shaking.

And the guy goes, looks like you could use a beer. I put my car in park. I leave it running. I walk into the house with the guy fucking murdered two beers. And he's telling everyone

at the party. I think it would be a great story for stage, but in order to do it, I have to say the N word, you know, you said it. You said it a hundred times.

You have to say it a hundred and fifty times to get the bit perfect. Oh, I see. I was expecting to hear the N word a hundred and fifty times right now. No, no, no, no.

I have to do it. The bit doesn't have a great ending. So we need a better ending. Like the, and it's just, it was just the funniest thing that ever fucking happened.

It's going to happen. It's going to end up being like, it's going to end up being like a, it feels like an interstitial set. Like it's going to set up something else for you.

That's what it feels like. Yeah. It's one of those bits where you think it's the end bit, but it's actually getting you somewhere, you know, I bet you're right. Like you'll figure out another

story and you're like, oh, if I tell this story right before that story, it's going to make the end story better. Yeah. It's going to be like an example of something.

I don't know, but I know what you mean. Well, he's burnt the racist comics. That's right. Perfect. We did mention. Yeah.

Move over. Oh, and Benjamin. Oh, so crazy looks. Yeah. Sent. Oh, that fucking guy. He sent in a disc track about you.

Oh, did he? Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, here, let's, let's give him a little sample of what he did. Yeah. That is good.

You know, sorry for reals though. Yeah. Now, shout goes out to Tonsigora, Christina Kujiski. Yeah. Now straight up though,

I just support Christ, they're burnt. Christ, they're burnt. Grizzler, you know, sign straight up. So much love to all the fans.

We can keep on pushing for life. Don't keep on doing it. Right. Don't keep on doing it. Well, because we got to, you know,

sign straight up though. God, no, because it looks it's going to stick for reals. He just said that. No, no,

he's just setting you up. Hold on. Now we're going to see what he says. Hey, he's worried about your health. You should know the deal. Voila,

from good hope, you understood as I keep it. True thought, you knew you promised to donate $10,000 to a children's hospital. You lied upon finds and it's a no, no,

ain't true. I'm keeping it so true. So thrilled. No big deal. Pretty good. So I love it. I love it. And I love that he's worried

about my health. Clearly with an open sore on his mouth. Crazy luck. You did it again, man. You brought that heat. Wow. Jesus Christ.

That's really good. We haven't seen him in a while. He came out for you, Bert. Oh my gosh. If he looks and going to quit, going to keep on getting what he got to get, doing what he got to do,

doing what he does, you know, same for reals, don't do what he loves. It's good. No love, but then chumps that hate and debate. All right.

It's pretty good. Oh my God. What do you think you're going to clap back or what? Oh, probably. And I'll start with his eyebrows. Where are they? Crazy looks.

Thank you so much. Good job. Crazy looks. I ran into the guy that made his barbecue. Do you remember that guy? Yeah. I ran him to the store.

That's so much barbecue. Oh, so good. Wait a minute. What's his name? Didn't you have the burger place? Isn't that the guy? Yeah. Yeah.

I think the burger place closed. That's right. And then he lives in Portland now. Oh, that's right. He moved. He moved. Yeah. I remember that.

I remember. It's crazy when you know someone through the internet and then you run into them and they're like, Oh, hey, I'm no Susquehanna. And you're like, Oh, I know you.

Yeah. It's so weird. Oh my God. Do you remember when these came out like a couple of years ago? We brought all this stuff. We were looking at what's a plate today when you were coming.

Yeah. The old jam right here. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. What's this? The fat is coming working today. It's like songs people make from

interviews. That's crazy. That's fucking insane. That's one of the best ones. Yeah. The gay thing. I like the goth one. The goth one.

I shadow dance. Oh yeah. My hands. Finger. My ass. That was really. Bert is fat. That's right.

Bert is fat. There's so many Bert is fat. That was the best one. I've always said, how come my like, I feel like we share fans, we share artistic ones. We really do have very talented people

who listen to the show. It's bizarre. I love when people come up and they're like, at the end of the show and they, they want, they want you to know that I,

I love you on your mom's house. So I was like, oh yeah. And they're like, I don't really listen to your podcast that much. And I was like, oh cool. Thanks.

Yeah. But thanks a lot. So let's say we are describing people at last. That's great. So let's say the adjective. That's not it. That means fat.

Let's try using that. Oh my God. I remember this. It's like, let's say Bart Kreisler. Obeisus. That's a laugh. You're laughing.

Together. Bart Kreisler. Obeisus. Exactly. Very. Obeisus X. Obese. Obese.

And then he goes, and then he, you see his like, his throw away is like perfect. He's like, ah, it's just Bert, it's just Bert. He's like,

it's just Bert. It's a huge fat guy. Yeah. Just some huge fat guy. Just some huge fat guy. I love when the fat, like there was this guy that was like, said something about me being a fat fuck

online the other day. And I looked at his profile. And he's so fat. And then his name's like fat Mike. Yeah. I was like, cause they just want to be in on it. I had the same thing

on Instagram. This guy was like, Tom, you're a huge fat piece of shit. And I was like, who's this motherfucker? I'd go to his page and he was at least 80 pounds bigger than me. Yeah.

Yeah. He's like, dude, my favorite joke on your last special. I don't know if it was during your last special where I, but is someone going, you know,

I figured if Tom can do it, I can do it. Oh yeah. And that's the last thing. And you're like, I've done so much more than you. I was like, so much better than you.

I love when people say that. I figured if you could do it, I could do it. I'm like, can you do it? I'm doing right now. I don't fucking think so. What's your favorite thing?

What's your least favorite thing? People say to you, like, you know, like after they come up to you to show and they're like, good job. Instead of just being like, that was awesome.

Like they'd be like, you're pretty good. You're pretty good. That, that one irritates. Yeah. We always talk about way backhanded compliments you get from people.

Like they're like, not bad or like funny stuff. Yeah. It's kind of funny. You're like, the fuck. I don't like, I can't,

I don't really listen a hundred percent. Yeah. Like, I mean, like I just tap out a little bit. Yeah. And, but only because the one thing I cannot stand

and it happens so much to me is people slapping me on the back. Oh, like, when you're shirtless. Yes. And because so many people, like,

and I spend the majority of the time when I do my meet and greets, looking down the line for the guy that's going to slap me. And it's always some guy who rips his shirt off and he's like, bro,

and he just comes in wide. I spend so much time in line, looking down that line for that person, because I hate when people slap me in the back. Do you prepare for it? Do you do like a little? No. And I never can see it coming.

And then the guys you think it will be, they never do it. It's some guy, you didn't fucking see it. It's always a real hard, firm handshake. They pull in tight and smack you on the back.

The bro, it's like the bro hug thing. Dude, and I do all my meet and greets shirtless. I had a guy in Spokane who came in, he's like, shirts off.

I was like, yeah, of course. And then I grab him, I go, wow, you're really hot. Dude. I was like, are you sick?

And he was like, yeah, I'm not going to miss this though. Oh my God. I was like, now I'm going to get sick. He was like, yep, yep.

Dick. I always say, for a bird, they definitely have a zero regard for his health. No. There's no way they're worried about his health. Dude, I had the one thing I,

I love when girls take their shirt off. That happens a lot. Brawless too? Or just, I've had a few brawless. I've had a few bra, I've had a lot more brawless than broad. And then

girls always want to lick my nipples. Oh my God. You like that? It's so gross. It's the closest I'll ever get to cheating. And then I remember, You tell the aunt that you like this? No.

Will she incorporate it? No, she does. Yeah. She, I had these lesbians. I had these lesbians. I'm listening to you guys and your sex stories. I had these lesbians in DC.

This is right when me too was coming out. Yeah. And they came up and they're like, we haven't played with a dick in a long time. And I was like, oh, and they all, they took big pictures and then they all kept playing with my dick,

like grabbing my dick. And I was like, I was like, Hey, easy ladies. And then, but they just wouldn't, it was four of them.

And it got so aggressive that people in line were uncomfortable with it. But I was cool with it. There was, they were, they, they assaulted me hard as fuck. Yeah. Yeah.

Did, like, let me give it a kiss. I'll give it a kiss and then go back and forth. No, they just kept grabbing it at different, like, so when I get one to stop,

they'll grab it and then they, and it was like, how often does this happen to you? It's my life. This is my life. Oh, I get critiques of Tom, from Tom.

They're always like in Columbus this weekend. They're like, Tom wouldn't do a meet and greet with us. And I was like, yeah, I was like, yeah, I know he's smart.

I'm the one that's sitting out here shaking. I should, I must have shaken 200 hands after every fucking show. And they're like, I'm so afraid of disease of catching sick and then bringing them to my two babies and everything. Like, I just,

I think I've been, I've been in this whole fucking year. Of course. But it's an allergies. I get it. As soon as I come back to LA, my sinus is tightened up. I mean,

do people really, are you really gonna get mad at me for me? I mean, people are like, you're not doing the meet and greet. Oh, they don't get mad. They don't get mad.

I don't think they really genuinely get mad. No, I know it's like, but like, for instance, Columbus is like, there's two shows a night. It's gonna make,

you said like the second show was starting as you're doing a meet and greet. Like, I can't, I don't have your energy, dude. Like, I'm done. I'm done with somebody. I mean,

you're out there. I wish I could, Hey, you know, laughing and, and I just can't do it, man. I'm not like you on that record.

I wish I was started doing it. Now I can't stop doing it because I've already started doing it. And so when I didn't do a meet and greet for the Wilbur show and people were fucking irate. Right. Cause they know you as the meet and greet guy. Yeah.

It was me. They're like, he hates people. Don't worry about it. Yeah. And Leanne was like, there's people out there that they were like, she's like,

I think you really should go out there. And I was like, there's people out there. I can't go out and, and we're doing a second show. There's no time. And then people are like, well,

I knew he wasn't going to do a meet and greet. I wouldn't even come. And I was like, wait, what? And like, cause a lot of people make like posters or bring stuff for me to have. And so,

you know, and then everyone wants to tell me like their version of like, oh, me and my buddy are just like you and Tom. We buy, we bust balls and. Yeah.

I'm the drunk one. It is odd though that, I mean, comedians are really the only performers where it's expected that you would go out and meet the audience. Like, you don't go see your favorite band and then expect them to stand outside Dodger Stadium and handshake everybody.

That's true. You know what I mean? Like, you're not going to go see Weezer wherever you like and, and then be like, hey, can I meet you guys? And if I don't,

I'm going to be irate about it. Like it's. Yeah, that is kind of bizarre or actors. And you get asked a lot too. Like in, in tweets, people will be like,

are you meeting people after the Wellmont theater show? And I'm just like, I think it's fucking 1800 people. Yeah. I did it. When we did those theaters,

I would go out, they were being, they would be waiting in the, in the alleys. Yeah. Like behind things. That's, that's cool.

I've had the, when they're waiting by the car, because then it's like, it's pretty limited amount. And of course you take time to do it. But an organized theater meet and greet dude, that is a multiple hour event. Oh,

I stopped doing shots with fans. Because that's a good idea. Yeah. I mean, it was getting aggressive. And then now I just go, I can't do shots. And people,

people are like seriously. And then inevitably, they fucking monster down whatever shot they bought for me, for themselves. And then I'm like, you're going to be sick. Like there's no fun in this.

Of course. Now do you drink in this special? No. I didn't drink. I think I get a bigger, like pay off. I think people think I am drunk all the time. Like I don't drink on stage,

but I will bring a drink on stage with me. But I don't really drink on stage because I'm talking the whole time. And I only really drink. If I am going to drink, I drink it at like the 55 minute mark on the second show. I'll go,

you're going to, you're almost done. Well, I got to tell the machine story and I'll pound it. Yeah. And I'll be like, by the way, is this the one?

Yeah. Yeah. I know already. I love it. Yeah. This is my favorite song. Probably ever submitted. I just,

it's so got something. I love it. It's also Ali Zimzer. Real talent. It's very classic. I remember, I've heard this song. Yeah.

There's so many great songs. I would dance to this at a club. That's how much I like this one. Yeah. I'd shadow dance. Classic. My goth stuff. Burt is fat.

Burt, Burt, Burt, Burt is fat. Burt, Burt, Burt, Burt, Burt is fat. Yeah. This is a good song. It is a good song. It's how many? Burt, Burt, Burt, Burt is fat. Burt, Burt, Burt, Burt is fat.

Burt is fat. Burt, Burt, Burt, Burt is fat. Yeah. I shadow dance. With my hands. Finger my ass. I shadow dance. With my hands.

Finger my ass. So silly, it's good. See, that's even that thing was a, that's actually a tip of that. Like it's a wink at us making bad, like our own. Our songs. Our songs. That was from your song.

Yeah, that's right. What was that one called? That was, I made one called Kentucky or like Animal Sound. No, mine was Animal Sound. Well then mine was Kentucky. I don't know, something like that. I never got any fucking feedback. No one ever listened to my, oh, that's in between my toes.

That can't turn me on. I never, when I wrote that, The Ballad of Big Tommy Bonds. Yeah. No one ever fucking listened to that. Really? Yeah, no one. I put it up online. It was like 30,000 views.

Nothing. That's a lot. No, not a lot. I think you'll get more on your little N-word story you shared. You think? I wrote the N-word in my book. Oh, this is great. Yeah.

And I was like, and I got to the part where I was going to read it and I was like, I was like, I can't say the word on an audio book that's going to like, I don't want to go down in history that way. Right. So what'd you do? I called up Omar Dorsey as a black friend of mine and our daughters were friends. I was like, yo, Omar, can you help me read my book? He was like, yeah, anything, man.

So he came over to the studio. I was like, here you go. Just say that word. He was like, what word? I was the N-word. He goes, you just called me over to say the N-word. And I was like, yeah, can you do it? And he was like, yeah, sure.

And he did it. And I said, can you do it? You're doing it too much like a black guy. Can you do it like a white guy? And he was like, why don't you show me how it's supposed to be done? And I was like, your way works. You ain't my bitch, nigga. Buy your own damn fries.

Now you know that guy ain't shit. Is that possible? He's got nothing on me, right? Nothing. There are white folks and then there are ignorant motherfuckers like you. Yeah. What's that from? That's from his audio book before he became president.

Oh, for real? Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty great. He's racist too. So it's just like you're talking about. Dude, you know what's crazy about my bitch, nigga? Isn't that crazy? Do you remember the first time you ever heard the N-word?

Yeah, I remember hearing it. Yeah, I have a memory of like 13. That's pretty much that memory. And then I remember it being yelled at me. 14, yeah. We yelled at you. Yeah, it's so weird. Why?

And I was shocked. Well, it was right after I moved to the state of Florida. Oh, Florida is such a great place. Yeah, that part is, you know, because all through before then I lived in the Midwest, not to say that there's no racist people. But I really never casually heard that said anywhere. Yeah, Florida. Yeah.

In like Cincinnati. I mean, there's obvious people say it, but I'm saying I didn't hear it as a little kid. Minneapolis in the schools I went to, Milwaukee, nothing. Florida, like day one. I played basketball and I was just schooling this kid. I mean, you know, I was, I used to play basketball a lot. So I was just better than him. He's like, you play like a fucking nut.

And I was like, what? And I was like, what? He's like, what? It's a compliment. I was like, what? I mean, I was stunned. Yeah. I mean, I was, I was a freshman in high school.

I had not, I had not heard it. Your parents never dropped it. No. My parents did since beginning of time, but also my parents are foreigners. So they would, they don't even know the gravity. So I would hear that word all the time. You're like, oh, my parents never said it. First time I ever heard it.

I was in first grade. I was in that neighborhood and there was a bunch of black kids. First grade. Yeah. First grade is really young. Yeah. Black kids come into our neighborhood to play us some football and they have my football. I had a Duke junior and I knew it was mine because my, the late, we used to play in the

street. So the laces that all run out and my dad had relaced it with a shoelace with a tan shoelace and they had my football. We'd lost my football. They had my football and the two redneck guys, one guy that was fingering the girl under the tree. Yeah. So you got to fight them for your football.

And but the kids were older and one of the brothers, I forget their names. Darren, I think goes, I'll fight them. And they started fighting in Darryl and Darren's front yard and Darryl and Darren's dad came out and started chanting, fight, fight. And we're in a white, white, don't win. We all jump in and put his arm on me. I've heard that rhyme. Put him, put his arm on me and said, he's fighting for you.

You chant it. Oh my God. I was in first grade. I was like, fuck. Sounds like a fun rhyme. And then I remember and then, and then I, and then I heard it. I never heard it. It wasn't a used a lot in high school.

I'd never heard it in high school, but like it would be said, but we had a black friend. But I would hear the word, but it wasn't like, it wasn't like used. And then when I went to college, it was used a lot. In FSU. Oh dude. The word flew, flew around a lot. Oh my God. But race, racial tensions were kind of fucked up back then.

But here's the crazy thing. And I said this to, I said this to, I maybe, I said, maybe I did this in a bit one time, but used to be the M word was used in like phraseology all the time in the south. Like it was used as a verb, almost like in conjunction with a verb. What do you mean? So like, I'll just tell you the bit. He's so passionate about the etymology of the N word. No, no, no, no.

No, you really love your N word. Jesus Christ. If you like how you, you like how you, you like how you, you semi predict my behavior and I fall right into it. Yeah. I'm like, I'll give you some, I'll give you some stuff fodder. We actually set it up and you came through. You know, I deliver guys.

So interested. Okay. Reminiscent. Tell me. His first time he heard the word. Okay. What? Here's a clip from the special.

You fucking spit. That's secret time. Secret time. Should have called the N word time, huh? So tell me, tell me the thing you were saying. I was the, when Leanne worked at the apartment building. This is a, I mean, this is like, I don't know what's going on. I'm just telling all the bits that I would never tell on stage.

But this is Florida for you. Um, when we, Leanne worked at the apartment building there, the, uh, with a black guy that used to be, was our maintenance man. His name was Antonio and I knew him really well. He used to come by and watch money and I footballed our place. And one morning I'm looking, I'm getting, taking the girls in the elevator and there's a note on the elevator door and I'm reading it like by the buttons. And as I'm reading it, Antonio walks in and he sees I'm reading it and he goes, oh, so

was, you know, like pointing to the notes. So as you know, some kids in the neighborhood, they's going to get in a little ding dong and ditch. I was like, what? He's like, some kids in the neighborhood. I was like, what the fuck's that? And he's like, ding dong and ditch. You never played ding dong and ditch when you were a kid.

I was like, I don't think I did. And he's like, you go up, knock on mother's door, bail out, mother come out, you see him funk, come out, you fall out laughing. I was like, oh yeah, we did that as a kid. And he's like, what did you call it? I was like, nothing. Cause when in the South, it was called N word knocking. That's what it was called.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's in the South. And I was like, oh my God. Like I'd never, I never called it that, but, but that's what I knew it was when I never really did it. I don't know what kind of fucking lunatic knocks the door runs away.

I remember this, um, one of those things I have a memory of with you. Yeah. It was because I knew it as ding dong ditching. I did. I never heard. Ding dong, dash or ding dong. We call it ding dong ditch. Yeah.

And he told me his, his Florida version. I was like, nah, dude, I didn't hear that as a kid. Me neither. That's really racist. Oh dude, that's, by the way, in the South, that's not even, I mean, that's just, that's like the N word was involved in anything. When I was in like living in that neighborhood, that was what it was called. Everything.

I mean, it just was included in everything. That's why it was like a joke around about political correctness. I'm cool with the little bit of political correctness about changing, you know, if you just take, cause I don't think there were people that didn't even know that that was offensive. You know, I bet there's still people in the South that go, oh, that's like, what are Brazil nuts? Yeah.

You ever heard? What are they? What are they? They, I mean, I'm just saying, you can Google this online, but they're called N word toes. Oh. Yeah. Then it's so funny. One time we're at dinner with our friends.

It really isn't with encyclopedia and N word knowledge. Fuck. You guys are doing good. He's really dropping it off. Tell us more, Bert. You know, it's so funny as I was at dinner with someone and Liana grew up in Georgia. She knew this about this too. Oh, she must have.

She had like rural Georgia, right? Oh, like 1200 people. So she, she was like, I mean, when I met her, I went down South. People were using that word all the time. Still in like 2004 when I was, we're dating. Really? Yeah. And so I said, Liana and I were at dinner one time with a couple from Kansas and they

had never heard that the N word would be associated with in a phraseology like that. Oh, you said like, like a verb or something. Oh, I get it now. You mean like, like the ding dong ditch or something. Yeah. And so it would be replaced and to, and they had never heard it. And I was like, are you being serious? And then I was like, to Liana, I was like, wait, we grew up in the South, but we weren't

racist, but we definitely heard it. You never heard it. And they're like, no. I go online on this guy's computer. We're at their house and I Google it and I go, here you go. And I pull up this website and it's got all of them. It's got them all listed and I'm reading through them and to him and he's like, that seems like a little bit of a stretch.

And I go, yeah, I've never, I go some of these. I've never heard. And then I look and it's official website of the Klu Klux Klan. I'm like, oh my God. Shit. I hooked up your web. It's like some neo-nazi website. But God, yeah.

Yeah. I don't know, man. Race was weird in Florida. Are you a black guy who loves to fuck good? Watch Burke Kreischer's new special, Secret Time, only on Netflix. Nice. You can piss on it and beat him too. I like the music.

They, the bed. Jake. That's all Jake. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I grew up, I always thought I was Cuban.

I always felt Cuban. You thought you were Cuban? I felt Cuban. Like, I remember going to Spain and being able to talk Spanish. And then I just to tell people I was Cuban and they're like, you're not fucking Cuban. I was like, yeah. You know, when you're Puerto Rican, you're just Puerto Rican. Yeah.

Oh boy. Wow. Hey, you still clip your nails and then keep the clippings on a piece of scotch tape. Keep taped under the table. I got to put it in different places now, but yeah. You still do that? Yeah. I remember that.

It's so crazy. It's an old school. It's also nasty. It is. You are nasty. Imagine the kind of guy that your girls will think like, this is like the, because girls model their, you know, who they pursue usually after their dad. It's going to be like a nastiest guy.

It's going to be a guy that comes up and he's going to fart in his hand and be like, what's up, Bert? Oh, my daughter. I shit under the toilet seat. How do you do that? How does that happen? Do you ever shit? Yeah.

I was saying this on stage the other day and I didn't realize that no one does this. Do you ever shit and then it splashes up and hits up under the toilet seat? No, I've seen it though. After his dad visited over this. Oh, my God. Someone said this was you. No, I shit in the ocean though. One time like this.

No, I took a shit. I took a, we were out of Catalina and we were at a secluded beach and I thought I know it was there and I went out and I took a shit in the ocean. My buddy Croy was watching and I shit and we used to do it all the time in Florida and I shit in the ocean and then I got out and I could see it floating around. You are so mad. All of a sudden a group of people like 10 people that we don't know come down to the beach and my turd is floating in the water in the waves and they're in the water and I see my

turd going towards them. I'm like, I'm like thinking, oh my God, this is, there's no way of getting out of this. They're going to know that that's my shit. Like you can't go. Of course. Oh, it's a fish. Yeah. Oh, you aren't nasty.

Yeah. Do you still not wear underwear under your jeans? Dude, how does that? It's got to really shake your dick and balls. No. Your dick gets numb to it. My dick's like a thumb. Yeah.

Yeah. You like how I would pick the smallest finger? Yeah. What about your boogers? I remember you're, you're also, I'm, I am a vigorous nose picker as well. Yeah. Leanne was saying that you are like, you're really aggressive with it too and you'd roll it and then leave it in the furniture.

Yeah. Or you'd rub it on stuff. You flick a lot. You're flicker. I, you know what? In my mind, I could be totally wrong. I imagine Isla is probably a real good nose picker. No.

No? No. No. No. Neither. No. They're, both the girls are kind of tame. I would have thought that Isla had like a real strong game.

No. No. No. She doesn't, she's, she's not as dirty as you'd think. They both shit at the same time during the day. They both shit at four in the afternoon. Oh. It's just weird that they would, they won't shit anywhere other than their house.

They don't like shitting anywhere else. I love shitting in strange places. It doesn't bother me either. Maybe because we travel so much. You kind of have. I love shitting in like a Burger King. You do? Oh.

I love shitting in a strange place. I do really embrace. I love having to take a shit and take it. I mean, I like, You should all day. You should. How many times a day have you been going lately? Three.

At least. Do you push when you shit? No. Now it's just like, I got to go. Everything's like, I got to go. It's not like disaster shits. I'm saying they're normal shits, but I, I don't wait. Like I'll just sit.

It's like, it's telling me it's time to go and it's pretty quick. Now how are you liking the washlet? I saw you guys had that. Oh my God. This change. I wish they would be a sponsor of the podcast. I know. This changed my life.

It's, I don't have hemorrhoids anymore because of it. Yeah. Cause it just sprays your asshole. I remember the first time I ever had those in Japan. That was when I first ever used one of those ones in Japan. I love it. I took a shit so bad in Japan. This guy next to me threw up one time.

Where? In Japan. Public restroom. Public restroom. And he threw up next to me. I heard him throwing up. How do you know it's because of you? I was, it was so bad.

That's happened twice to me. That one time I happened in Denver. I took a shit and the guy next to me goes, oh my God. He's like, dear God, is that you? And he started gagging and I go, it's pretty bad. Right. And he was like, and I was like, are you throwing up? He's like, I can't, I can't, I gotta get out of here.

Dude, I remember in high school, we did a, like a class trip of class overnight trip where you go and you spend the night in like the woods. Somewhere. And we were a junior in high school and it was the morning and I go, and I, you know, when you feel the gurgles, you're like, this can be a nasty one. It's gonna be loud. So I walk in and I'm going towards the stall and I see Cliff, one of my classmates, he's like, what's up, man?

I do that. I go, hey, and I sit down and I'm like, I'm going to wait for him to get comfortable because I know how bad this is going to be. And I want him to be locked into it. You know, but my assholes also like, you got a shit bag. So I just, I hold as long as I can. And he just, I see him drop his pants and he's in the stall next door. And then I release and it just goes like, like huge explosion.

And within a second, I just hear him go, fuck this, pull his pants up. I think he had a turd hanging out of his ass. Just pulls his pants up and leaves because, and I just start laughing so hard because I know how bad it sounds and I know how bad it smells. He left the bathroom. It's still like one of my greatest high school memories. Wow. That's nice.

I was just telling someone the worst I've ever shit my pants was tennis camp. I went to, I was playing this Indian kid and I had to shit really bad. And I was like, oh my God. So I just threw the set. Like I lost random the men's locker room. And as soon as I went to go get there, it was already kind of coming out. And I shit inside my pants, inside my underwear on the tail of my shirt and

in my socks. And I, and I sat in it. I like I shit and I sat in it. And I had to get rid of all my clothes. I had to break into a man's locker and get clothes to wear. Cause I didn't have any. They were all covered in shit. Dude, what is wrong with you guys?

Like, don't you know how much are you shitting now? No, don't you know when you have to shit? Why are you, why are you waiting until I'm not shitting on Sundays? Cause I travel. So I forget to shit on Sundays. And so Mondays are bad. Today was fucking aggressive. Do you shit more than once a day?

No. Just once a day. If I do, if I eat spicy food, I'll shit at night and then I won't shit the next day. What about like a normal non spicy shit in the morning? Or no. Yeah, I shit in the morning. I drink a big glass of water and I just shit. But I have my shits come out like, like fucking like shotguns.

Like it's almost comes out all at once. Like it's almost comes out all at once. Just and I get it to the point where it's like, okay, we're building, we're building, we're building and then right. You get physicals. Yeah. And everything's good with you. Yeah.

Blood, everything. My thyroid is a little fucked up, I think. Your thyroid is? Yeah. I think I have like an over actor or an inactive thyroid. Probably inactive, I'm guessing. He said it's trashed. Trashed.

Yeah. But everything else with you is fine. Yeah. That's great. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. You don't like, it's not that you look terrible or anything. No, I'm saying you don't, but it's like knowing how you, how you fucking drive.

It's like, man, it's kind of crazy. Yeah. I don't know. I, I mean, I, yeah, I don't know. I think it's a Mickey Mandel gene. It's Mickey Mandel gene. Here's the last clip. This is how bad of a parent I am.

This is true. I went to a parent teacher conference, stayed out until four in the morning. The conference starts at seven 30 in the morning. I wake up, I'm like, Oh fuck, I probably make a cup of coffee. I grabbed two Diet Cokes, go to the parent teacher conference, kill the coffee before the conference even starts, sit down for the conference, crack my Diet Coke, take a sip and realize I have a Coors light. It's true.

That is a game time decision, gentlemen. The second I felt the beer touch my tongue. That's like a finger in your ass and an orgy. What kind of man are you? Do you pull away from it or do you push back into it? Yeah. I pushed back into it and I killed that fucking Coors light. I pushed back into my pocket and prayed, I don't know the Coors light.

So the fuck wants a Diet Coke? Have you just had a Coors light? Good point. That's a true story. That's funny. That's 100% true. And you drank it in front of me. I cracked it and I went to take a sip.

Yeah. Come on. No one. No one knew. No one knew. As soon as the beer tasted the beer, I went, Oh my God, I have a fucking beer. Like I didn't realize I had a beer. I thought it was a Diet Coke and I just had to murder it because I couldn't like take

a sip and then put it on the counter. I just had to kill it and then put it in my pocket. By the way, I want to point out that when you shot this special, I remember you calling me like, Tommy, you wouldn't believe how skinny I am right now. By the way, that's skinny too. I was 230 in that probably, 227. That's hilarious. I can fucking, I got to lose weight.

No. Yeah. Don't. I'm going to get down to 205. Dude, that's going to be so ridiculous. 205 and just get rid of it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And like, I want you to go crazy. Yeah. I'm going to fucking throw it all back on. Just wait. So wait, when you shit in Japan, you just smell that you're like, Oh, and then you hear a guy in the next stall. I thought he was talking to me.

Yeah. It was fucking bad. It was really bad. Man, I remember that there was a, there was a guy who came to a show once with his girl and he was like, we're talking about farts. And he's like, she farted so once so bad in the car that I puked in the car about his girl's fart. I was like, I hung my head out the window and I threw up.

Oh my God. Oh my God. We one time, my mom, me, my mom, my, me, the both girls, Leanne, my mom and my dad are in San Francisco. We're going across now. Is it the Golden Grape Bridge that has two stories to it? Yeah. That's the other one.

Is it that we're going over that bridge and the Bay Bridge and my mom is, we had been at an amusement park. I was shooting Birth Conqueror and my mom is motion six. She goes, oh my God. I think I'm going to throw up. I think I'm going to throw up. I love these peace stories that I sing. She's sitting next to me.

I don't want to hear this. And she takes the clear bag, they put the pictures in and she throws up in a clear bag and I see it and I start dry heaving. I start going, and I stick my head out the window and I'm throwing up. I'm going to throw it right now. I'm throwing up out the window. I'm throwing up. I'm going to throw it.

I'm going to throw it. I'm going to throw it. I'm going to throw it. I'm throwing up out the window. My mom, my everyone in the cars dry heaving. I got to go. This has been a really. I got to go.

Oh my God. I'm going to throw up thinking. Did she not like throw up stories? She can't deal with throw up stories. Not at all. No. I can't even think about throwing up. I play them just to upset her sometimes.

I feel like I feel. Yeah. Isn't there one from last week? I feel like there was. Oh my God. That made me laugh. Where was it? Yeah.

Last week there was. Oh, here it is. Yeah. I played this last week just to piss her off. I think they fucking threw up. I need to do it with you. Don't do that to me. I'm going to throw up.

She's beautiful for real now. Does it really fuck with you? Oh my God. Yeah, I'll throw up. Really? Oh yeah. Just even looking at it. Oh my God.

I'm going to throw up. Don't fucking throw up, man. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Okay. All right. Bert, I'm so proud of you.

I'm so happy for you. You have a great special. You're going to have a million new fans and it gets really great, man. Thank you, man. You guys check it out. It's going to be on Netflix for eternity, but starting this Friday. It's called Secret Time. And just keep following Bert for tour dates.

Listen to the Bert Cast. Here's our closing song. It's called Lick the Ass, Lick the Balls. By G. Jovey. All right. Thanks, buddy. That's on the internet. We're having a show on the street.

It's 20. Can someone put a beat to that? Put a jib on the back and make your ass go crap. You ain't never had that. Put that jib plate on my throat. Put that jib, put that jib plate on my throat. Lick the ass with the balls. Lick the ass with the balls.

Sick beat.