Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 469-Felipe Esparza-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 10, 2018

Pull up those jeans and tighten your belt, this one is epic.  We bring you our first unofficial round of On Drugs or Mentally Ill? This one comes from Starbucks and this lady really loses it. We couldn't feel more connected to the barista that (apparently) told her to get off her phone. This is a rare feat for us since normally Tommy is plotting barista harm. Don't worry, later we find a customer who is Tommy's soul mate - for all the wrong reasons.  PLUS, the great Josh Potter joins us in studio to share some of the strangest and most offensive adult entertainment he could find and it's as hilarious as it is disturbing. AND we have Felipe Esparza join us for a quality talk about comedy, life, drugs and a lot more. He's so hilarious and we already want him back.  Check him, fools.

I've added two very tiny shows in the You Who Room at Flapper's, Flapper's, Comedy Club, and Sperm Bank, just to kind of wet my beak getting back into headlining because I'm gonna start touring in 2019. So in the You Room come see me October 21st, that's a Sunday, and then October 28th, and then November 10th in West Siloam, I'm assuming that's how you say it, how do you say West Siloam, Siloam Springs, in Oklahoma, Cherokee Casino. No idea. Okay. November 24th, my first show in Man Diego has sold out. I've added a 10 o'clock show at the House of Brews in San Diego, and then December 7th in Fill Her Up Delphia, first show

sold out. I've added a late show in Fill Her Up Delphia, and then December 8th, next night, Jewdark Titties, late show added at the Gramercy Theater, Get Your Tickets at Christina P. Online. And I'll be announcing 2019 dates very soon. Oh shit. So excited. And thank you for all your submissions for tour dates and tour names. Yeah. And we made a decision. I'll let you know later. Great. How about you, Tom Jean? Later this month, I'll be in Fresno in Bakersfield. Then I head to Flowrida. I'm gonna go and do Fart Meyers, Jack Mianfield, Orlando, and Augusta, Georgia, the first weekend of November. There's a few tickets left

for a couple of those shows, and then a few are sold out. And then from there, I do my very exciting week at the Wellmont in Montclair, and four shows at the Merriam in Fill Her Up Delphia. The late Friday show in Philly is the one with tickets available. If you haven't gotten tickets yet, go there. And of course, all my 2019 dates, or the first half of the year, is on sale. All at tomscure.com slash tour. Check those out. I started off January 5th in San Francisco at the Mace Sonic. That's exciting. A maze. Yes. Where the dudes are. That's where the dudes are. Jean. We have so much to talk about. So much to talk

about. So much to get into, Jean. So much to get into, Jean. Let's do this. Here we go. Where is my folder? Blow me up, Tom. Take me out, African style. Here we go. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura, Tom Segura, and Christina Pajitse. Welcome to your mom's house.

Someone didn't get the right order there, huh? Well, you know, we've been talking about people who are so rude when they make their phone calls on speakerphone in public. Probably my greatest pet peeve. It is mine too. Only I've gotten a new one. I'm going to tell you about in a minute here. It's in my act now. It bothers me too. But it proves, I think, a theory that we might be having that people that are doing their phone calls in public on speakerphone are either mentally ill or on drugs. Do you know what's funny? What? You haven't seen, obviously, you don't see

these folders even in the files or anything. One of these clips of this lady is called Drugs Are Mental Illness. There you go. That's a new game we're going to play on the show. I mean, we have Dr. Drew come in, and then he's going to verify Drugs Are Mental Illness. He should definitely weigh in on this lady. I'm going to put this on the Drew list. Before we go even further on this, I want to, don't forget what your pet peeve is. Yeah. I want to congratulate my friend, last week's guest, Finesse Mitchell, an alum of the University of Miami on his team's nauseating win this past weekend. Oh, they beat the semen holes?

I lost the bet, so I'm wearing his shirt. Wearing his shirt, congratulations, Finesse, and congratulations to the biggest piece of shit fan base in all of sports, the University of Miami Hurricanes. Oh, you're saying the fans are even POS's. Oh, they're such garbage people. Seriously? I've spent so much time down there. I used to go to Orange Bowl all the time. They're animals to the biggest pieces of shit. No, I don't know much about sports, so I can't really, but I've heard that Raiders fans are pieces of shit too. That'd probably be a fair thing to say. Now, but only because their behavior is bad from what I understand. That's what we're

talking about. Yeah. Okay. Well, here's the thing too about, because I know you don't spoil it for us, every single fan base has garbage people in it. Sure. Every single one. People, when the people will act like that, their team doesn't, and they're full of shit, especially when you're talking about a sizeable fan base. I mean, maybe if you're like, I go to the University of Northern Idaho or some shit where there's 800 people enrolled, okay, maybe your fucking fan base doesn't, but once you're talking about a national fan base, of course, it has everything. You told me about tailgating parties. This is where people just get together and drink

and parking lots. Well, of course, they're going to act like A-holes. Some don't. I mean, I've been in tailgates where people are really decent and welcoming and nice. Sure. And look, I mean, some of my best friends are Miami graduates, alums. I have friends, good friends that live in Miami. It's not an anti-Miami thing. I'm just, first of all, I know you do. It's a sports ride where you're supposed to talk shit about your rivals. I'm supposed to say that they're garbage. That was a really good burp. It was pretty good. The sound was good. It was crisp. Here was the cheap thing that I did not. You're not even going to give me credit on that burp.

That was a good burp. The thing that was super lame about talking shit about Miami, I talked shit about them online. Sure. On Twitter, just after the loss. And they're like, I had people who obviously don't know anything about me. They're like, why don't you say what you really mean? And I was like, what do I really mean? And then they implied that I'm talking shit about Miami, calling them garbage people, because I'm racist. Oh, oh, interesting. One guy implied that I was racist against Latino people. Oh, sure. Sigoura. Yeah. Right. To speak Spanish. I didn't even have to answer them because everybody just- Your mom's peruvian.

Yeah, people attacked him for me. Yeah, stupid. It's just, I think that's one of the cheapest, laziest, most idiotic takes on criticism is that you can, you spin it to that. It's like a cop out to talking shit. Talk shit. But also- Being like your team sucked. Right. It's like, you guys are garbage people. And then to be like, you're saying that because we're like Latin. Yeah. It's not only is it cheap and lazy and idiotic, which are three traits you find very often with Miami fans. Sure. But it really takes, it takes the banter out of it. It takes all the fun away from talking some shit. It does. You know what it is? It's because these social justice warriors,

they're just no fun. And they're out policing all the fun in the world. These are the new Puritans. They want to make sure that whenever there's a whiff of fun and levity and busting balls, we're going to stop all that good time. All of it. I know. Because it's inappropriate. And like, I'll say the same thing in November. God damn it. I'll say the same thing in November about Gator fans. Because it's a rivalry. You hate the Gator fans. That's the fun of sports. I have heard you talk some shit about those Gators. I know nothing about them. I grew up around surrounded by Gator

and Hurricane fans. So I talk shit about them because that's the fun of sports. Now, who's dumber? The Gator fans or the Miami Hurricane fans? I don't know who's dumber. Who sucks more? They're awful people. They're just awful. Garbage people. I mean, you know, who's worse? Mussolini or Hitler. You know, it's like they're bad guys. Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah. Should be fun for you when you do your shows in Miami. I have nothing lined up. All right. So let's go. No, but seriously,

it was a ridiculous game. It was so crazy. And Finesse, I will say, obviously wearing a shirt smells really good, by the way. Really? You got to smell the shirt. I've never smelled bad on Finesse. And we spent quite some time with him in a very hot country and he never smelled bad. And also, congrats. Don't forget, Finesse is special. That's right. The spirit told me. Right? The spirit told me. Yeah, I think it's out now. I'm sure it's out.

No, it comes out October 19th. Sorry, Finesse. October 19th. I saw him on Instagram. He's average. Do you think I'm going to do for him anyway? What's that? I think I'm going to have a promo cut to the seminal war chant for him for his special. Good idea. Just to, like, get the word out. Sure. You know what I mean?

Sure. Just to help him out. To help the right people like his stuff. Yeah, so I'll just. Oh, the dumb, the dumb dumb. I'll plug it for him. I'll set that up for him. And that way, you know, it'll be, it's like a promo and. Right, right.

Yeah. So this lady, do you want to talk? Wait, tell me what bothers you now. Yeah, so here's the deal, guys. This one's really horrifying. I like, first of all, I like where our fans are going. I like where the show is going every now and then. We pick up a meme, a swell. And right now we're policing asshole behavior in public. And I think it is a public service we're doing.

So I went to bark Williams. And I was getting ready for my massage. And they encourage you to use their facilities, right? You got your steam room. You got your fucking jacuzzi full of disgusting couch broth. I won't even go in the fucking jacuzzi. Get your life. I saw a woman with really hangy tits, hangier than mine.

Like I was in there just baking. I was like, no, I'm not doing that. But I go into the steam room because I can sit on a towel. So it separates my vagina from other people's shit, right? Yeah. I'm in the steam room. I look fucking over. There is a woman with shaving cream and a razor.

And this nasty bitch is shaving, fully shaving her legs in the steam room. Ugh. At bark Williams. That's not, uh, uh, is right. Wait, what is she doing with each like, um, razor swipe? Like, yeah, flicking it onto the floor. I was like, no. Yes.

This isn't your house. Bro, does that your house? I cannot believe it. I was, I almost vomited right there. I literally went, oh, hell no. Like I saw her. I sat down, I looked over, I went, hell no. And I got up and I told one of the staff, I was like, dude,

there's a lady fully shaving her legs. I don't know what she's going to shave next. Can somebody like educate her on etiquette? This is completely inappropriate. Disgusting. So I got to, I waited dude. Like I fucking waited outside and I waited for the manager to come. Oh my God, you guys are so disgusting.

Yeah. And I waited for the manager and I was like, are you going to go talk to her right now? Like I got all excited, you know, like I just told, I tattletailed. Yeah, it's fun. And then she came out and I was like, how crazy is that woman? How crazy is that one? She's like, well, we get all kinds.

I'm like, did you do tell her? She's like, yes, she's been, she's been told not to do such a thing. I'm like, yeah, it's nasty. That's so nasty. Why would you even need someone to tell you not to do that? In a public steam room show and throw your flicker here. It's so disgusting. Well, now I'm totally turned off to using any,

of course, facility or any spa facility now. Cause I'm like, uh, imagine what this nasty person's doing before you got there. And then I had someone else tell me their day, acquaintance of mine go, you know, when I'm sick with a cold or a sinus infection, I go to Burke Williams and I use the steam room and I feel better. And I was like, what? Well, this way I can see my germs,

leave my mouth and my face and I watch them enter other people. Yeah. And I can ruin everyone else's week. Basically, I was like, get the fuck. I mean, you think, you try not to think about that stuff when you use spas, like how many people are you want it to be just clean and it's not. I know, but that's in your mind. I'm going to a clean, sterile, sanitary, safe, relaxing, wonderful place.

Now, how many dudes are peeing in the jacuzzi too? I ever did pees in the jacuzzi or jacks off in there. And there's a sign in the bathroom at the spa that's like, you have to shower before you take a shit. Basically, you have to shower before you use the spa or the facilities. No, who's doing that? Nobody. Yeah, I know.

Nobody being gross. Everyone's being gross. They also have that thing in those spas, by the way, where they'll go. Some of them will be like, it's European style here. And you're like, what? Yeah. And that means trunks are optional. Yeah.

But basically, most American dudes are like, no, we're trunks. But then you'll see guys who are like, they'll give you the eyes. Oh, the San Francisco eyes. The San Francisco treat eyes. And they'll let you know that like, I'm not really into trunks. Are you? And are you being serious? They give you a signal in the jacuzzi or something?

No, they'll give you a signal. I'm just saying that there's people that own it. It's like the guy that goes in the steam room and does towel. I mean, everyone go in with a towel. And then there's the guy that opens the towel. It's like, I just feel comfortable. Me, nasty. Like, I'm just comfortable like this.

And then there's the towel closed, which is like, it's not necessary. I wouldn't say it's necessarily etiquette, but it's just, you know. He wants you to see what he's working with. Of course. Yeah, he wants you to see. Now, Europeans don't give a rip, obviously. Totally different culture though. Here, it's just more modest here.

Americans don't show their junk unless they want, unless they're inviting you in. Yeah. Or, I mean, there's different guys that show their junk. There's inviting you in. There's truly, I don't care. And you see it sometimes with like a really disgusting body. I don't give a shit. You know, they're like, everything's gross on me.

Which is the most, like the most liberated. Yeah, it's the most liberate. It's actually the guy that has like zero self-conscious kind of shit going on with him, which is great. Yeah. And then, and then there's also the proud buck where it's like, if you're, you know, six, five, totally ripped. You got a 10 inch haul.

Peacocking. Yeah, it's peacocking where it's like, it's like, they're not necessarily inviting you. They're just being like, I'm a specimen. We want shit. Yeah, my shit's nice. Now, what do you do? I think I'm fair. I'm not like hiding, you know, I'm, I'm fairly modest.

We're like, I don't, I don't, I mean, I, I'm kind of like the guy who's like, I'm gross. I know no one wants to see it, but I'm aging. So I'm getting more into, I don't care. So I hide, I kind of hide my body and everything, but I'm also like, I'm fucking gross. Yeah. I'm a dad. I'm, you know, I'm like, I don't care. See, I think you and I are the same way in the spa because I'm kind of, I'm like, yeah,

two babies, this is wrecked. This is all fucked. Like I'm never going to be able to be single again and be on the market. Like nobody's going to, no one's going to want this. So I wear a towel, like in the steam room or the sauna, like I'll, I'll, I'll be naked under the towel and then I'll kind of sit in the towel, maybe unravel it a little kind of thing. But I'll go, you know, before this last encounter, I would go in the jacuzzi nude. Yeah.

But you're quickly, quickly. Like I'm, you take the roll off and just quickly go in there. Yeah. I mean, you know, I've done it. I've done it before. I wasn't like, I don't know. It wasn't a big deal really. You do it after you made a brown and there's red, you know, there's brown probably all over

those spas. Don't remind me that, don't remind me of that. Especially dudes, they're fucking nasty brown dudes. Dudes are nasty in their browns. Yeah. I know. So there was that nastiness and then there's like a waiting area where you go, to the spa and then you wait for your masseuse to come out and they're like,

Christina, like they're supposed to kind of whisper your name. It's very quiet environment. Yeah. And next to me, I hear this older couple just like, what time is our appointment? Like full volume. That's horrible too. That ruins the shit for me. Ruins it.

Yeah. And that's, I can excuse that because the wife did go, oh, I think this is the quiet waiting area. And then the husband goes, oh, oh, okay. And then he gets on his phone. Beep-bop-boop-bop, beep-bop-bop. No, tick-tick-tick-tick, whoop, tick-tick-tick-tick, whoop. I'm like, are you fucking joking? And then the phone rings and it's extra loud because it's old.

Hello? Hello? And it's extra loud because they're old as fuck. And, yeah, and then the phone call. We're at the spa. Like, are you serious? We're in the quiet room. We're in the quiet room.

The quiet room. God, I know. What is wrong with people? It gets your life. It's just like, you just want an assassin on board who just watches it and immediately kills those people. Yes. And can I tell you at, because I've been to the Gellar Hotel in Hungary and Budapest, which is like the most premier, beautiful spa, you know.

You got it, you got it. You got it, you got it. And you, you know, you get naked. Yes, you go in the thermal baths and this and that. You would never fucking see like a Hungarian like talking rudely. It's just, it's, they don't do it. You would, you would be, somebody would fucking slit your throat. That's what I'm talking about.

There's no way, dude. Well, look, you, like, this is a perfect time to introduce, like, what this full clip is. I love it. The context of this here. This video was recording in a Starbucks. Employee asked the woman to stop having her call on speakerphone. She loses it. Yeah, she's crazy.

Poof. Man, this, this is, this, this gets heated. We just showed you a frappe show. Here's where it started kind of. So I could finish the phone call. I hung up the phone call. Oh my gosh. Can you imagine how first of all the audacity to sit and I've been in a, um, before I had,

we had, there was somewhere we didn't have internet when I mean it was like more than, maybe we weren't even living together. It was like, yeah, there's areas in your life where you don't have internet for whatever reason. I'm trying to think of, but I was, I was in Hollywood. Yeah. No, I don't even think of if we were dating or something. Yeah, I don't, I didn't have a computer and I went to, uh, Kinkos or old, you know, old FedEx Kinkos. I'm sorry, where?

They have the FedEx and they have the, they have like the internet room and a lady, like, and then we were all sitting at computers doing different things. This lady was answering the phone like she was at the office, like her office, having full fucking conversations and you see everybody turning around, bitch, are you out of your mind? Like this isn't your sweet, this is a public space. No, this is her world. She's the, her Starbucks.

Take it easy with that computer. Oh shit. She didn't give a fuck about that laptop. You said to finish the phone call. You said to hang up the phone call. I hung up the phone call. You said to finish the phone call. She's being so rough with that laptop.

You said to finish the phone call. And you hang up the phone call. This might, she might not be stable. I'm thinking. I'm thinking anybody that makes phone calls on speakerphone in public is unstable. You said to finish the phone call. And hang up the phone call. Look at this woman here, not even looking at her.

I did that. I did what you said. I did what you said. I hung up the phone call. You said to finish the phone call. I did what you said. I did what you said. Do you think it's the first time anyone's ever told her to hang up the phone?

Or do you think this is something that happens every day of her life? Every time. I hung up the phone call. And I did what she did with you. And I did what she did with you. I must have lied something. And you're throwing me out. And that's bullshit.

You're throwing me out. I hung up the phone call. I did what she did with you. That bitch is like, here's your purse. I hung up the phone call. That bitch goes, here, take your shit and leave. Go get the fuck out of here. I'm going to help you out.

You know, I know Starbucks has this policy where they call Starbucks your third place. You got your home. You got your, what does that work? And then Starbucks is your third place. I think they should really discontinue this logic of like come and hang out for hours and surf and do your fucking office work here and waste time. They should be like, you can come here to have a drink and take a shit. And take shit.

That's all we're here for. You know what they should do? Take away all this extra desk space and put more toilets in. They should change. They should say, we're not your third home, but you can shit here. Like that. That should be the standard. Well, because that's the flaw of many of Starbucks is there's often just one toilet

for the entire Starbucks. It's completely, it's inhumane. It's not, I know. It's wrong. We're giving you caca juice. And we're giving it to all of you. And we make one toilet. Yes.

Cups of bowel torture. And they're like, nah, go shit somewhere else. It's completely wrong. It's completely wrong. It's wrong. I know. I got a video. I got a video.

I got a video. I got the phone. You said pretty good phone call. And I can't put you back. Oh, look at that poor guy. Yeah, lock it up. Good idea, kiddo. Lock it up.

Poor guy. Yeah, I got it on video. You only like to get buzzed me out about things like this? No aftermath. Like not knowing. What happened? Yeah, like what happened next? The cops come.

I wish. Did she come back and throw a fucking brick through the door? What happened next? As somebody that's worked, I've worked out a lot with the public. I've had many, many jobs. I've worked at Starbucks in the summer of 97. We've gone over this. 96.

The point is, and I've waitressed many times, there's like once a day there's something like this that happens. Some person freaks out or gets crazy. The manager comes out, throws them out. They might yell back at you a few more times. They might throw something at you. And usually that's it. And by the time the cops come, they're long gone.

Or maybe they get it talking too from the cops. I mean, there's a guy that jerked off every day next to the retail store. I worked out on Melrose every day. We call the cops on him every day. And he'd show up and jerk off every day. Cops would come every, it was like. This routine.

She's like a working professional though, you know, this lady. Scary, huh? Yeah, this is not a job. She's not like a vagrant, you know. No, no, no. A lot of times it's not vagrants. It can be. But just people who are just having a day.

She's having a day. Who knows? She's having a day. It could be like, you know, we said it could be drogas. It could be drogas. Yeah, she's off her meds. By the way, it's October 9th when we record this right now. How's your sober October?

Sober October, you know, sober October affects people differently. And there's different challenges for different people. Yeah. I mean, let's go through it. Well, for like, for instance, and by the way, I highly encourage anybody to take part in this in whatever capacity they want to take part in. It's just a great exercise.

What do you mean? Meaning like some people go like, I just want to give up drinking for the month, but I don't want to do that. Or some people go like, I'm just going to not smoke pot. Just do that. Like, you know, there's no set of rules. The rules are yours to make.

I just think it's good sometimes in life to engage in an exercise of discipline. Right. This is your lint, so to speak. It's sort of our lint. And it's just, it's good. It's like, hey, man, once a year, it's something to mentally focus on.

Yeah. And there's just rewards mostly for yourself to see what you're capable of, you know? So for me, for instance, I'd be lying if I said the sobriety part was a challenge because I'm just not a big drinking drug guy. Right. I mean, I enjoy them.

It's not a thing for you. I enjoy it. But I enjoy it usually in mild doses. Right. You know, like, I'll sometimes go two weeks without anything, without thinking or trying. You, when I was pregnant, I don't think you drank alcohol once.

And that wasn't just because I wasn't drinking around you. I drank. I drank. I think like at fancy dinners you went to. Yeah, stuff like that. I mean, on the road, honestly, usually I'll pick, if I'm doing a three nights out, I'll have drinks maybe one night.

Get ripped. What do you drink like normally? What's your, you're on the road. If it's at dinner, if it's at dinner and like the night's over, there's nothing, you know, it's not pre-gamed. You're done with your work. You're done.

Depends. If sometimes you want, I like wine with dinner. Red or white? Usually red. Pinot, Pinot Neur. Pinot Neur. Sometimes, sometimes if it's like a steak, I'll have a cab.

Sometimes I'll do a Malbec. Sometimes I'll do, yeah, Pinot Neur. But yeah, I like wine with dinners. Sometimes if I'm like, man, it's nice this weekend's over, I'll have bourbon. Oh, shit, son. But I do, I'm saying it's not,

it's not that frequent, you know. I just don't have that. I like, I like beer with sushi. That's outstanding, yeah. Beer on its own is kind of rough, the older you get, you just farty. I don't know. And then as far as getting high, I like weed.

Yeah. But I like, I've discovered over life now that, I just like mild doses. I like being able to function and not have like paranoia. And for me, that means. You don't like getting paranoid. Well, for me, I think that I have a low tolerance. Like I've just, I know that I do.

So for me, it's like, it's not a fun endeavor if I go over the line, because then I'm like, I just got to get in my room and cry alone. Yeah, it's horrible. Yeah, so I like a mild dose. So I'm saying the challenge for me is in that part. I work out separate from sober October regularly. Every week I do a couple of sessions with the trainer.

I do some stuff at home. But so far, we're on the ninth year. I've worked out every day. You're doing no days off, like on Instagram. No days off. You bragging about that? Why aren't you bragging about your no days off? I'm doing, so far on six of the nine days,

I did two workouts a day. So that is the, for me, the fun or the challenge and the part that's rewarding is to go, can you actually do that? Can you work out every day for a month? Because that's a departure for me. That's not something I would normally do, you know? Right.

For me, a busy, like a heavy workout week would be definitely probably five days. I'd be like, holy shit, I worked out five days this week. I'm doing every day right now. It's a lot. Here's the current standings. Go ahead. Now this changes, and this is just standings according

to our point system that this app awards us. For people curious, it's the MyZone app. It's attached to a heart monitor, and it basically gives you points based on the percentage of your max. That's basically like a cardio reward. As of right now as we're recording this, I'm in first. Good for you, Gene.

Ari's in second. Okay. Burnt is in third, and Joe is in fourth. Well, what's up with Joe? Well, I'll tell you. This is like... He's going to make that shit up today. He could make it up today.

He is annoyed by basically the fact that I got this thing at the gym, and that's why I suggested it to these guys. And when you go to the gym and you see your points, and you want to move up, you work out to get your points. Well, the sort of shortcut... It's not really a shortcut, but the thing we figured out is that, well, you can just get your heart rate up by doing cardio,

like elliptical bike ride. And it wasn't the intention... The intention originally was go work out, get your points to rate, a workout, like meaning... But now there's a cheat, you guys. Well, you still have to put in the time, and you still have to get your heart rate up, but it just seems like a way to get points.

He's like, whatever. You know I could smash all you guys, and we were like, yeah. He was doing two hours of cardio when we started this. He was like, this is just easy. I'm just annoyed at how much time I'm having to put in doing this. So it's a time consumer. So I think what he's going to end up doing, because we talked about it,

is that he'll just go back to doing his regular workouts and get his points that way. And then because he basically just wants to work out like that. And we will do whatever we can to be in points. By the way, we're all very close. When I just did that order there, it's all within a couple hundred points of each other. Well, Joe works out a lot.

He normally, his normal routine is five days a week. Oh my goodness. And of those five days, I don't know, most of them are like brutal, intense workouts. I've seen it. But he doesn't do no days off. Now that's a special kind of lunacy. No days off.

People really hurt themselves. Yeah, this is no days off. I hate no days off. It's so, oh, Jesus Christ. This is my last day of shooting Skyscraper here in Vancouver. It's been an incredible experience. It's great to see this guy. I love this city.

This is the rock, by the way. Thank you so much for opening your arms to me. Treating me like you're one of your sons. This is his traveling gym. Oh my gosh. This is his gym that goes to every set. What are you talking about? One of the anchors that makes the experience

so special is every morning at 5 a.m. I get up and I come here to my Iron Paradise. This is my traveling carnival. The traveling circus. Traveling gym. There's over 40,000 pounds of twisted steel sex appeal and heartache. A lot of heartache.

Mainly my own. Message of gratitude to the small boy who sets this gym up every location I go to. The next location will be Hawaii when we shoot Jungle Cruise. But this is a lot of shit to move around and settle. Plus I'm a pain in the ass because I'm like the energies has got to flow this way

and you can't keep your head that way. Big pain in the ass. But guys, thank you so much. It's my anchor. Plus traveling in a gym like this. Eliminate all the bullshit excuses not to get the job done and get to work. So I thank you.

The studios thank you. You guys are the best. My anchor. Much love. Thank you guys. You know what I like? Also a Miami graduate. Oh, oh.

You know what I like is that he's got those rhymes down that people have in the gym. Like teamwork makes a dream work or whatever. He's got it, yeah. Yeah, he's got his rhymes down. Metal and steel keeps it real. Or whatever. Yeah, that's right.

Got a pump if you don't want to be a dump. Or yeah. He's got it. He's got the right. He's definitely got it. So for those of you who aren't watching the show on YouTube which you really should be because you can see the clips,

you can subscribe and you can watch. You can also watch us on, we stream it on, what's that shit called? Twitch. We do a Twitch. We do a Twitch now on Wednesdays. It's usually like around five. Twitch.tv slash your mom's house podcast.

And then a few hours later, it's on YouTube. But on the Twitch, on the Twitcher, when you Twitch with us, you can watch it with us. We jump in. We jump in. Yes. I'm DJ Dad Mouth 1. I'm Queen Jeans 1.

Yeah. And we'll be laying in bed and Bluban will notify us. Oh, you're up and then we'll come say hi. So also, for those of you who are not watching, that was The Rock and he travels with a gym. And it's a full gym. It's like a gym you would get a membership to. It's not like one or two or three things.

A 40,000 pound gym. How? I mean, that's bananas. That's his life, man. He's the biggest movie star in the world, too. He certainly is. And he's also a former wrestler, right? What is he?

Yeah, he was big time. So he's got to keep that shit up. He's completely fucking yoked. It's crazy. That's no days off right there. That's no days off. No days off. Wait, hold on.

Before I go on, I have to tell this most disgusting thing that's happened to us. Where you work out, where the elliptical machine is in our home, I come to find out there's been a little friend who's living in our AC unit. Yeah, there's a separate AC. It's like a wall thing. It's a wall thing that has its own condenser outside of the house. And it's just for this room because the room was an add-on to the house.

Yeah. So we've been smelling something, I think, for like a week, maybe. Kind of in denial. Like, oh, that has a smell. That's interesting. And then, yeah, come to find that there's little droppings around the AC unit, little shreddings of stuff. Yeah, not shit droppings.

And now just like chewed up bits of air conditioning falling out of the air conditioning. Oh, air conditioning. And turns out we've got a little rat just eating through the wires, living. So what we did was... Pooping. Oh, cocked up every motherfucking hole. And now?

Now it's fucking dead in there. And also, it smells much worse. Well, here's the thing. And here's the cool thing. We have to replace absolutely everything. Of course, it's a fortune. The entire unit, a whole new condenser. It's really fucking cool.

Of course. So what you do is the joy of homeownership. So, yeah, well, first fucking... So I wake up at, you know, six in the morning, find that this rat is in there. First thing I do, because you're not in town yet, I text our rat guy, because we have a rat guy, because we live in an area where there's lots of shit. And he shows up an hour later, and he and I go around with the cocking gun, and just seal it up.

He puts poison in the AC unit. He did. Oh, there's so much poison in there. If that thing's not dead right now, that's like a bionic rat. I mean, he just... He loaded it. He broke it up into pieces and fucking threw it. I mean, we killed that fucker.

I can't wait to see its fucking carcass, too. Nasty rat. It's gonna be really foul by the time you see it. Thank God it's not so hot. I was kind of worried. I know, got cold. I think it's gonna stink. Look at this.

Dear Tom, I tried to see if my wife was a ride or die chick. She is not. Without blinking, she said she would turn me in to protect our kids. So I asked, what if our son committed the murder? I saw her eyes start to twitch, and her brain fucking exploded. Then she said she would help cover it up. What the fuck? She said she would still turn me in immediately,

but no way in hell she would turn in our son. Is your wife as terrible as mine, Jared? I think you have your answer already, obviously. I kind of agree. I kind of would protect the son because I'm his mother. It's very rare. How many serial killers killed her mommy? I know they hate their moms, but how many?

Happens for sure. Listen, to protect your child, I would do anything. I really would. You're an awful person. I would protect him. Awful. Both of them. Hey, Todd and Krista.

Last night I had a very strange dream that I met Tom in the airport. I was very excited to meet my favorite comedian. I went up and said, hey, Tom, I just want you to know I'm a big fan. Tom then sat down in a chair next to me and asked me to sit down in the chair beside me. He's put his arm around my shoulder

and simply said, go fuck yourself, buddy. Sounds about right. I quickly stood up and walked off. My question is, are you as huge a dickhead in real life, Thomas? Also, have either of you had strange dreams recently? Keep those jeans high and tight. Bert is as fat as he is racist, Austin.

I love this new racist meme with Bert. It's the best. His comments are full of them, and there's basically every other person is, what did he do? What did he say? It's so fun. So much fun.

First of all, no, I'm a sweetheart. You can ask anybody that walks up to me in public anywhere. I always take time. I always talk. You are. Yeah, I always do pictures, whatever. Anybody wants to sign anything. But I do think your dream is highly amusing.

And I love that I was a shit dick to you in your dreams, but in real life, I wouldn't go like that. No, you wouldn't do that. No, hell no. I can see you being a bigger dick. Get the fuck out of here. Right? I am so nice to people when I meet them.

Are you crazy? Really? I am so nice to anyone. If anyone goes, hey, mommy, and I'm out in public, or I'm so thankful that anybody even listens to our nonsense. Are you kidding me? Yeah, all right. No, I'm never fucking...

Do you have any crazy dreams lately? Without them, yeah. Yeah? You have? Well, I'll tell you one weird. I don't know if I mentioned this. The night that Anthony Bourdain died, I dreamt about him. You told me that already.

Yeah, but I don't know if I told him on the show. And this is before I heard about it. I'm saying simultaneously, as he was in France, you know, and I woke up and I had just dreamt about him and my friend texted me that he'd died. I was like, well, that's kind of... That's a crazy one. Why? What is this a setup for?

No, no, no. That person just said they had a crazy dream. They asked if you had any. I always have crazy dreams. That's what I'm saying. You always do. Yeah, I dreamt about something. I dreamt about tailgating.

And I woke up thinking how stupid it was that people do this thing. Yeah, I don't like tailgating. Yeah, I dreamt about that. I don't like crowds. All right. I don't like anything of that stuff. One here before we got to take it.

We have a guest. We have two guests. Well, hold on. Okay. We have two guests. Yeah, sorry. Yeah. There's a few topics I want to get to before we break

because they're very important. Hello, shittlers. I got a little insight into the B-hole munching. My old lady always wants to eat this girl when I always say no. Jesus. I'm not a prude and I do actually quite enjoy it just like the gays,

but couldn't figure out why I didn't want her to. So with some long, hard thought, while browning, I came to the conclusion that I respected her too much as my wife. Yeah. Even though she's a dirty hoe, I don't need her to spread open the swamp for my pleasure. She has no fucking idea what she's getting into.

Thanks. I love you guys. Isaac, yeah, because he respects and loves his wife and would never want to subject her to the horrors of his B-hole. Piss off, you beat me. Trot off. Trot off. Yeah.

What is it? It's a fart. Yeah, I don't feel that way. No, you're just mean. Not mean. I'm making a request. You take advantage of my admiration of you. I love you.

I admire you. Yeah. Like FIFO admires. So get in there. No. Get in there. Can I bring up one topic before we break very quickly? Very important, by the way.

It's important? Yeah. So Tom and I are about to celebrate our 10-year wedding anniversary come November 8th. Isn't that crazy? 10 years already. 10 years. 10 years.

And we've been together at 14 because we dated for four. That's right. And the other night you go, hey, I wonder how many farts we've had together. How many farts have we shared as a couple over the course of 14 years? And I thought, what an interesting topic we should save it for the show. Clearly, our listeners would be very curious to know. Let's do the math. How many times, here's your farting.

I'm going to do your farting average. I'm going to calculate. Okay. I'll pull out the calculator here. Okay. You fart every morning. Every morning. And I fart every morning too.

So let's rack up. That's one in the morning. And then you definitely do a nighttime fart. Oh, no. Yeah. There's a fart in bed. There's a fart when you pee. Are we talking about how many times do we fart in front of each other?

In 14 years. But in front of each other. Yes. So we participated in each other's farts. 00:40:25,560 --> 00:40:26,840 I would say on average. Let's go through your daily farting. Well, I would say that on average, there's probably a just woke up fart.

And maybe- There's a pee fart that you do. Right. So then maybe like, I would say like two in the bedroom area. Maybe one in the kitchen. And this is, are we still in the morning? Yeah, we're still in the morning. Coffee, breakfast.

Yeah, you fart at breakfast. And then I would say there's a midday fart for sure. And then- Like a lunch fart if we're together. And then two words, I would say eight a day is probably on average. Okay, let me go through my morning. Okay. So I start in the morning, there's a morning fart when I get up.

There might be a fart that slips out as I'm browning or peeing. Okay. There's definitely- If we're together, it's an after lunch fart, especially on this paleo diet. Yeah. And then I'm going to go for like an in bed, we're watching our bravo show. Oh yeah, you definitely don't hold back there. I'm going to go for like half your daily average.

I'm at four year a date. Let's do the math on that, please. Okay. 365. But we're not together 365, but we're just going to act like- Let's average. Okay. What's, what's a, you know, a 360.

Let's say- No, I would say- I would say, I mean, I mean, sorry, 350, 300. 300 days a year, let's say we're together. Okay. Let's, let's do that. So, okay. Well, that's easy for you.

So that's 1200 farts a year for you. And then 14 years, 16,800 farts. Yeah. Wait a minute, wait, hold on. I'm 1200 a year of farts. And then what are you? You're double that. You're 2,400.

Yeah. Okay. So this is yearly. You fart- So this is how many times I've probably farted in front of you. 33,600. Oh my gosh. Did you-

Okay. So you did 2,400 times 14? Yeah. And that's how much? 33,600. It's a lot. And what's mine? I'm half of that.

Yeah. Right? Yeah. What's half of that? I can't do that. 16,800. I farted in front of you. Approximately 16,000.

Can we redo our vows and then incorporate this knowledge into our wedding vows? It's very possible. It's a lot of farts. It's a lot of farts. Can you believe there are couples who don't fart in front of each other? We were just talking to somebody about it. How did they-

We were just talking to somebody who's in a similar, I mean, two kids married and he was like, no. And I go, what? Yeah, I just hold it and he's like, it's happened. But then we asked like, what about your wife? He's like, never, not once. But think of all the fun you're missing out on if you're not farting in front of each other.

Yeah. But maybe because of that, they're eating each other's scrum or something. No, they're not. You don't know. What about burps? That's the next tally we got to go to. Yeah. But he's real decent.

You can tell he's way more mannered. Yeah, he's real decent. Cultured. He saw Hamilton and he likes Hamilton. I'll never fucking see that dumb shit. Wrapping. You don't like wraps? I don't like wraps.

All right, let's go get our guests. Historic wrap. Our first guest. Fucking boring is that. Gotta get this going. Okay, mommy. Okay. Now joining us is somebody who, if you saw me last year on the no teeth, no entry tour

in a number of cities, this young fine young man was with me to a lot of those. You saw me taped to special in Denver. This young man was with me. Young man. And if you saw me in New Orleans or most recently in Eugene, Boise and Sacramento this past weekend, this was the opener who we're very happy to say will also be helping us a lot more on the podcast with some production stuff. And he's just an absolutely hilarious guy.

It's Josh Potter. Hey, welcome. There you go. Such a good song. This part's redundant, by the way. Of course, you're getting muddied by the whole damn crew. Now, it sounds like you've been really analyzing this song, Josh. Well, Mudded is a gang bang.

What? I didn't know that either. Yeah, it's in other songs too. Really? Yes. Little Troy talks about mutton girls. Wow. Yeah.

So you can't you can't mut a woman without the whole damn crew. Right. See, now for those who want to be like, why do they have Josh around? There you go. That's exactly why we bring Josh around. Shit's redundant. Now, I heard you say, is it mutton? Mudded.

Mud, mud. I'm UTTED. Oh, mutted. Oh. Interesting. And not related. Not mud and like. No, that's what I thought too.

I was like, oh, it's anal sex. Right. Going to the mud. With all that mud. Yeah. But no. When I was in Florida as a kid, mudden was just big tires driving through the mud.

Like you want to go muddin'? Go muddin'. That's also like hogging or pick up like a gross lady. When you go muddin'. Uh, but this is, so you're telling us it's muddin'. Muddin' with tees. Go muttin' with the crew. Yeah.

Because I didn't know what it was either at first. I want people to know how we met. I think they're owed a little back story. I met Josh in Buffalo. Barfalo. In Barfalo doing a club week a few years ago. And then we did a bunch of gig scents. You were on the radio there too.

I was. And so you know a lot about these mics, if you know what I mean. I know how to talk and stuff. You need to talk. He also did That's Deeper. We did an episode of That's Deeper. That's right. You can find that on YouTube.

And on the RSS. Right when I moved here. That was like three weeks into living here. Oh my God. How nervous were you? Big time nervous. Scared to live somewhere new. But now you're here and you're climbing.

So how has it been? It's been like a, is it been a year? It's been a year. A little over a year now. How has your year experience been? It's been, it went by way faster than I thought it would go. Yeah. You took the leap.

A lot of people don't take the leap. You took the leap. Yeah. It's been a lot of back and forth, ups and downs. That's how it's supposed to be. The whole roller coaster. I'm not muttin'. You're not muttin'.

We almost muttered this weekend, bro. What are you talking about? That's right. That's why I go on the road. What's up with that sex life? Are you getting your stick wet? Not in LA. No.

Not yet. Yeah. If any, any seventh floor crew ladies are out there, we'll suck. I live on the first floor. I live on the first floor. What is your Twitter handle? At J underscore Potter. Will you take, or do you accept nudes?

Fuck yeah. Okay. Okay. Checking. I want full, I think a regular. Nude recap. I think a nude and a sex report on how your sex life is. Well, I don't want people to think if they send me nudes that I'm going to expose them.

No, of course not. No, no. So you can send me nudes and you'll have full, you know, discrepancy. And confidentiality. Confidentiality. That's what I was looking for. That's right. Yeah.

And I don't send dick pics. That's nasty. Why do you buy, I don't know. I do if I get requested them, but you have to send five first, five nudes first. Jesus. How is this going? How does, if people aren't worried about their dicks ending up on the internet,

like you're not afraid. Like one day you become like a huge comedian and they're like, Oh, here's Josh Potter's cock back in 2000. Could be part of my brand. Could be part of your brand. I'm the dick guy. So now, because I was never the single guy out there on the road. Do you ever, I mean, sometimes, you know, we'll do our shows, we part ways.

We'll be like, all right. I mean, do you ever go out there and, you know, try to hit the bar that the people might have been at? I wish. I mean, I go, it's so weird when you're alone in a place. I don't have, like, I don't put off good vibes being alone in a bar. So it's really difficult to, you know, like who's coming up to me. So when you're in a city all alone, it gets weird.

I don't know. I do feel like, you know what, I mean, just thinking about it, it probably is better, even though the statistically the numbers are less, probably is better. You better odds at club after a club show. Exactly. Clubs are insurmountably easier to meet people because you're there for days. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, they're drinking in the lobby after the show. You can run right into them. Right. The theaters, you're like, you kind of, it's really. It's like, it's like the gazelle are all in the lobby in the bar area. And if it's like a Friday, you could be like, hey, I'm got two more tomorrow.

Yeah. Get a drink or something, you know. Oh, right. You can hit them up multiple days. So have you been, are you somebody that scores on road weekends? No. I wish. I mean, I'm, it's not for lack of effort.

I just haven't, there are times. I mean, don't get me wrong. The only time I've ever gotten laid was from comedy. I didn't lose my virginity until I started doing comedy. That's hilarious. Isn't that wild? That is wild. And did you have like a killer?

How long ago was this, by the way? I was 22 when I lost my free. Wow. He's like, after the UG. You were 22 and did like a really good set that night. No, it was, I had to lay the groundwork like I always do. They probably had to see multiple sets, really get a feeling for how I was not on stage too.

So the crushing in front of a girl is like my favorite thing. No, it's gotta be great. That's gotta be great. It is, dude. It's the best. Now, is it the best? What's the best? Is it the best if you kind of meet someone before and you have a little?

No. That's the worst. No, I'm saying, and then you blow them away. Is that, you read that? It depends. I mean, if you meet someone before, they have preconceived notions about you. And then if you have a set where you're talking about wild shit,

they're like, they might get kind of freaked out by. The best scenario is just killer set, meet somebody. Yes. And then they come up to you afterwards and they're like, you're really funny. And so like, I got it. Tom, do you do the girl? Yeah, Josh, I saw you up there and you're really funny.

Well, what are you doing later? What's up? Nothing. I left my panties in my car. Oh, really? Let's go see what we can find. Oh, okay. No, she'd have like drunk girlfriends and stuff too.

Oh, definitely. He's probably had. She's like, have you had like the deal got fucking sidetracked by? The Bachelorette party. Yeah, sometimes. Well, also like. Tiffany, no, he's crazy. Obviously, when you and I do shows together,

it's a different vibe than like, say, if I did a show with a single comic, right? Whose only purpose is like, I got to get laid too. Yes. And then I'm usually the guy that has to play the defense for those friends, you know? He picks the target. And then I'm the one who's like taking out the bogies, you know?

Taking out the bogies. That feels like it's a skill though in and of itself, right? I guess so. I mean. You just have to distract them. You really just have to lower your own standards for yourself. Oh my God. Jesus.

Not in terms of like the, like how they are, just like in terms of like not having any, any sort of preconceived things going in, you know? Yeah. So you actually, what you're saying is, you will actually spend time doing, speaking to someone you have no interest speaking to. Exactly.

Yeah. But Josh is such a sweet guy. Yeah. Like you're, you're so nice that. Dude, when I'm out there looking on for second wife, number two, we're going to have. Hey, hey, hey. Well, I'm just saying.

You think you're going to meet her on the road? Probably. I'm going to be a fan. That's the best place. She's like, me and my friends think you're totally hot. Me and my friends, they always say it wrong. Yeah. How would you?

Me and my friend. You would have a wife, number two, as opposed to just having hose in different area codes. Well, I mean, it would be smash city for a run. Wait, wait, you're, no, Josh, you're asking, oh, I'm dead. I'm gone. Yes. Oh, oh, we have hose in different area codes.

No, I'm saying. Don't wife them up. No, I'm not going to wife up immediately. But I'm saying it's smash city for a while. Yeah. And then the one who's like, I'll eat your butt. I put the ring on it. Oh, stop it.

Stop. Don't you dare bring those hose near my children. Is that a sticking point, by the way? Don't you fucking dare. You want it and you won't give. It's constant. Yeah. Yeah.

But it's also, we just learned from an email or a listener email. It's a sign of immense disrespect to ask your spouse to eat your beetle. Basically, this guy was like, my wife wants to and I respect her too much. Yeah. Meanwhile, this animal is like. That's, I mean, that's true, actually. That's a good point. It's got to be tough.

You're his wife, but you get to a certain point where you're so close that it's like, ah, who cares? Yeah. Nope. Not there yet. Yeah. You have to get to that point. But Josh.

You should be eating my farts. That's what you should be doing. Josh, the problem is, is that I, I have intimate knowledge of his dumps. And his farts and what he's capable of. And I hear it every morning through the wall and it sounds horrendous. But would you be deterred if you hadn't had that? Like, wouldn't you still not do it? If I didn't, if I didn't hear what comes out of it.

If you didn't have any of that knowledge. No, I would not do it. It's just like, not a thing you would ever. It's not, it's not for me. But let's say Ryan Gosling's like, eat this booty from behind. Yeah, I think it's scrum and I floss with his fucking pubes. Yeah. So you're not against the act.

It's just kidding. I want to, but he looks cleaner than you. No, he does. Ryan Gosling is hairless. I know. So what if he was like on all fours and he was like, hurry up with that. I don't know.

Would you go over there and reach under and do the. Ah! The Chombo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You wouldn't do that to Gosling. Gosh, I do like him so much.

Now, one of the things, I mean, I, I love about Josh. He's a great comic. I like everything about Josh. Oh, he's great. He's great. But we always have. Fucking like you're not here. We always will like laugh at,

you know, just fucked up clips, things that, that we, you know, we'll show each other things, send each other videos. He's like your friend that's ground zero for all the weird shit. Yeah. And so I go, look, man, so, so to get people more information, we've been working on a transition to expand our show. There's, there's a transition.

I thought you were talking about your own. I am. I am transitioning into a man, but I do think I grew this hair this week. 00:55:13,800 --> 00:55:14,360 So weird. I'm looking more and more male every two weeks, but congratulations.

Thank you very much. But, you know, we're trying to expand the show. We have a studio space that we're outfitting to, to start doing the show from hopefully without dogs. No, I'm not a part of the show. But she's going crazy over there. Anyway, we want Josh to, to work with us in this new space. And I'm pumped.

So pumped. Can't wait. Yeah. And so basically, um, I need that to stop. Can you please do something about that? Schnitzel. Hey, she's got. I know.

Bitzel. Okay. She's off of it. She's going to go back. Just give it a minute. How about we just pick it up? All right. All right.

How about we? You mean, how about you? I'm asking you. How about you pick it? I'm asking you. So rude. All right. All right.

Hold on. Yeah. Take off these earphones. What are you doing, stupid? In order to introduce you to the show, the idea was that you would pull some of your, pull some clips, whatever you want to, you know, introduce it to the audience.

And I thought, why not start with something I'm very well versed in. Pornography. Okay. Here's all I know. All I know is that I have four files. Okay. These are separated into four files for us to. Four genres.

Four genres. Okay. God. I'll let you direct. I haven't seen anything. I just knew that like we're going to introduce Josh to the audience. Josh is going to introduce clips to us. Is there anything I can, should I, should I just play them at random?

Not at random. Maybe in order. In the order that they're, so the first one I see is Didi. Should I do that? Okay. 00:56:59,880 --> 00:57:00,840 Yeah, we can start there. Because I mean, here's the thing.

Yeah. I mean, maybe you don't remember this because you're married now. Yeah. And you've got to, you've got to do all your business calls. But most of the day, I am in a hotel room. And this isn't stuff that I jizz to necessarily. Right. But when you jizz, you have a lot of time after that to kill.

And there's so much stuff. These websites are like target. Well, I think it's one of the most interesting things is like, there's, there's stuff that you like. And then there's the curious stuff. Yes. Stuff that makes you go like, is that really a thing? Right, exactly.

And all these sites, they put them there for you. Like I said, they're like target. You go in, get in what you need, and you come out with a whole bunch of other shit that you didn't even know existed. It's pretty amazing. All right. So I will start.

I'll play this. I have a feeling that a lot of this is going to be blurred out. Yeah. Well, this one is a pretty self-explanatory. Okay. Let's see what it said. Let's see what we got here. Josh Potter.

It says like target. Yeah. I'm going to feed, Didi. Oh, no. That accent sounds familiar, by the way. And then she does. See it. What's this over here?

That's a, that looks like a binky, right? I mean, I'm not familiar with baby toys, but I think that's what she's using it for. Yeah. So in case you didn't know that she was going, here she is showing you a better angle to know that she is definitely going. This isn't just a pomp and circumstance.

So for people not watching the show on YouTube, there's a pretty attractive blonde chick, and she's wearing it. Rub it in there. She's wearing it. And she just peed in the Didi, and she's showing us. Like, yes.

She's making sure you know. But then she also rubbed her anus specifically. Well, she's getting the pee all around there. Okay. And that's important. And in case you really didn't know, in case you really needed like definitive proof. That she really could, I don't know if I believe that she would.

Right. You could all be acting. Yeah. And I don't like acting stuff. I want the real thing. Pee acting. Oh, oh, oh. Really wet diaper.

Oh, yeah it is. Oh, that accent is very familiar to me. Sounds like my old stepmom. Does it sound like her? Yeah, yeah it does. A very vet diaper. Do you think she would do that? Oh.

Do you think she would do that? My ex stepmom? Yeah. No. I would. How much money eating that? I don't know. Which makes.

I don't understand why every girl doesn't have an Instagram account for their feet, by the way. That's something that. Easy money. Easy money. Get that money. Do you think they get money just for. No, not just for posting them.

Yeah, sure. You get to build the followers. It's like an Instagram account. Oh, and then start selling. Then you put like a bottle of Tide next to your feet or something, product place. A bottle of Tide. Whatever they, whatever selling ads out there.

That's right. Like so then Ford's like, hey, we got a new F-150. Will you put your feet on the steering wheel? Yeah. She's like, yeah. Of course. Hey guys, you want to come and afford? Yeah, yeah.

I think you're right, Josh. I think every woman should have a feet account, pissing in the diaper account. I don't know. I think it's a big leap. And farting. You got to really jump to peeing in the diaper account. Yeah, that's more than feet.

I mean, hey, if you can do it, do it. But. Yeah, if you can do it, I would do farting and peeing in the diaper. Easy, no problem. Easy. Easy following. There was some things in between those.

I would love, Josh, if you were a hot chick and see the stuff you'd pull off with your knowledge now. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so that. Now, just out of curiosity, are you into pee? I am not into pee. The thing that's weird about that is that they're appropriating pedophilia.

Oh, oh, right. It was like, I went potty. I went die, die, die, daddy. That's a good point. It's weird, right? And the only thing more evil than pedophilia is the N word. Oh, OK.

OK, good segue. I'm pulling up here. I might be. Is that next? There's no video. That's OK. OK. There's probably a reason for that.

OK. OK. Let's see. OK. Oh, dear. So I have a funny question to ask you guys. Is it called by a say the N word? It turns me on.

Hey, you can say the N word. I'm your nigga all day. Because I love nigger dick. Oh, OK. Oh, wow. What's she doing, Tom? She's showing her love. I just see audio files.

Yeah, there's a lot of lovin' going on in those videos. And her vocal fry. Give me a black cock. Give me a nigga cock. Oh, wow. Jeez. Now, my favorite thing, by the way. This is a genre.

It's a genre. There are two facets of it. It's crazy. There are the women who enjoy saying it. And then there are the men who enjoy getting the women to say it. Oh. Oh, fascinating. Yeah.

So there's basically the reluctant woman. Yes, this woman. That's why she's like, do you mind? I have a funny question. Oh, right. I have. That is a funny one. Yeah, it's a silly question.

It's the most hilarious question I've ever heard. Do I love fucking niggers? Oh, my gosh. Wow. Whoa. So what category is she? She's the one who loves them and loves saying it. That's what turns her on is saying that word.

That's what we've done to the word. We've made it so evil that it's now so taboo that it's turning people on to serve. Yeah. How is this a whole genre? Like, I wonder how many people really are into that one. I don't know. I don't know.

Who do you think? What's bigger, a bigger audience? The pissing and the di-dai or the n-word saying? Pry pissing. I don't know. You're the expert, Josh. What's that, do you think? It's a brand of...

Is that something that's 50 Cent makes? Oh, my gosh. She has an accent. Is she foreign? No. I think it's like that accent is like Jersey, isn't it? Just slide. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just horror. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Shit. How nasty. I just love nigger juice. Jesus, man. Wow. She has some dark shit.

That's pretty cool. Is it cool if I say the n-word? That's that cool. If that's that n-word. She has that dumb, like, that I didn't really read a lot growing up pronunciation to words where she says a... Is it cool if I say the n-word? Like, that n-word.

In her defense, you can't see her in that moment. She is skewered. So... There isn't just one fella there. There's a couple of them. Oh, really? Yeah. So she's a pretty bold to ask such a question.

I think it was probably cleared before they recorded. That's the fun part, though, is when you don't know, you know? Yeah, yeah. I have a funny question. I have a silly, funny question. Frivolous thing to ask. There are some that are like... God.

That are just like, you're an n-word and then they're like, oh, shit, you know, like, they get met and then they... But it's ultimate reparations, because then they punish the girl for saying... Oh. That's also the fun of the video. Yes. Gotcha.

Wow, there's so much shit on there. Really? I'm nasty. Yeah. You're nasty, man. She talks just like your dumb girl impression. Yeah, that. Yeah, that.

As I have a funny question, is it cool if I say the n-word? The n-word. And then you have to go up on every... Was that a fun one to you or no? I smile. You smile. Ear to ear when I come across those, for sure. What's this here?

Not because of them saying the n-word. No, it's just special. Do you know what I'm saying here? Oh, yes, this is a gentleman who is a real... You know these people that go around to homes and... So what happened, by the way, is Blue Band... Take care of... Blue Band prepped these so that he didn't have to blur them afterwards,

because this is all I have in this is just a single screenshot. Well, that's... This one was pretty rough according to him, so... According to him? You know, there are angels in this world who go home to home. They're caretakers. They take care of people who are in need. This gentleman takes it to another level.

As you can see, he's servicing a woman who is... Disabled. ...completely disabled. Very disabled? Extraordinarily disabled, I would say. And he is just... I mean, if you got to see this video, you wouldn't know... It would be like he was servicing a supermodel the way he is,

his Vim and Vigor, you know? Yeah, so he really gets in there. Yes, which is just pure... I mean, his heart must be so big. I wish we had some audio from this, so is it... You can imagine. There's really not much dialogue happening. And she's...

I mean, it's obviously like an advanced chair that she uses. It is some wild apparatus that is difficult to understand how it exactly operates being a layman. And she's incapable of movement? Incapable of her lower body movement, yes. Wow. Wait, so do you think she... I don't know, deserve a gene?

It works. I think she's feeling something. I'm hoping that she's feeling that. Because does she make noises? Yes, that are conducive to enjoying something like that, yes. I'm surprised you didn't have any video. I thought there would be a little bit. I thought so too.

But it is a tough go. So you're saying that this is so cray-cray that Blue Band... He didn't put anything in here. This is all that we could clear. Okay. That's all he cleared. He told me it's a bit rough. Wow.

And that guy sees everything I missed. So is this, by the way, in your searches, was this a genre? Did you find it was... I mean, people... There are so many different varieties of disabled porn. Really? There are people with limbs missing, things like that. The ones with the limbs missing, I think they really found their lane.

Because a lot of them use tools that they then screw on to their stumps, for lack of a better word for it. And then they can have sex better with these tools. If you will. But yeah, there are all sorts. And I think those people, if you have a fetish for disabled people, you shouldn't be looked at as a monster. You should be looked at as a hero.

Because who else is sexing those people up, right? For sure. Would you do it? I don't think I have the boner stamina to maintain something like that. Not like that superhero that we just saw. That guy was real, full bore. Yeah, he was. God bless him.

Could you do it, Tommy? I don't know. I really don't know. I haven't been put into that scenario. I wonder if women feel that way when they sleep with me. They're like, oh, he's a blind man. We're sleeping with a blind boy. Yeah, for people who don't know, Josh has very poor vision.

Yes, I'm sure they can see. Well, I don't know. You can't hear that I'm blind. But yes, no, I always wondered that if the women feel like they're doing a service when they sleep with me. Does it bother you? No, whatever they need to get through it. I mean, I've had the same thoughts.

So for me? Charity work? I'm like, I'll take the mercy. I'm a saint. Yeah, hell yeah. But for people listening, Josh isn't totally blind for not saying that. So explain your, because he has to be able to see these clips, these wonderful clips that he's bringing.

Yeah, I can see right there. But also to be clear, he's well on his way. I'm not flying a jet anytime soon. No. So that leaves us with one last clip. Was this the save the best for last kind of scenario? I think so. I thought that one was going to be last.

Well, this is all I have. I have a couple clips here. The end one is pretty big. Which one is the most wild to you so far? The diaper stuff, I'm like, all right. I think the n-word stuff is just bizarre to me. It's a mental sex thing. Like it's mental stimulation.

It's weird, right? Yeah. And I get that it's taboo. So maybe that's why there's some, but I guess it's connected to hate or I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what the connection is. Their dad clearly didn't love n-words, I think.

Yeah. The P I get because it's all in the, the infantilism or whatever it is. You get that one? That's the one I least understand. Well, you know why? Because I change diapers every day. And I, maybe there's some connection to your mom

or your dad lovingly taking care of you as you, as you, if you were a baby. So maybe they want to be cared for. Like they're small babies or something. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, I think the P one, I just kind of go like, the disabled one makes me think like, well, actually,

you know, everybody wants some loving. So, right? You go like. Everyone needs some. It's impressive that the guy can do it. Yes. Because I saw an interview with a porn guy once and they asked him something.

They would ask him about this, but they're like, what happens if like you, I don't know, don't like the girl or something, something like that. And he was like, oh, I always try to think about something else to get me through the, the scene. I see. So they're a different place. Yeah.

Yeah. So I mean, but, but to be able to do that, I don't want to know that Santa's not real in this case. I like to hope that one's made. And that guy's just a hero that goes around the community. The N word one thing about that is that, you know, it's very taboo, which maybe for everyone in that room adds to the excitement of the situation,

like makes the adrenaline kind of pump. I feel like if I was the white camera guy, I'd be like, you need to chill the fuck out girl. Be like, uh-uh. Because like I said, some of it is, because obviously this is a white woman. Some of it is the African American gentleman telling her, I want you to say that.

Oh, right. Right. And then, but my favorite is when she is like out of nowhere. Out of nowhere. Like, hey, can I, that one asked. Some of them don't do that. They just, oh, that's, now that's interesting. The one that don't ask.

And then they're all like, what the fuck? You know, what did you say? But then they deliver a punishment. Yeah. Then it's fitting punishment. Yeah. Then they make it. Yeah.

Yeah. This last one, I think is just fun. Oh, okay. Yeah. Let's see what happens here. This is the last one here. It's everyone's scariest scenario. U.S. military forces are on their way from what I understand.

And we plan our seat in the belly of the infidels, the way Allah will grow within. So this is like. This is 9-11 porn, baby. Wow. That is supposed to be Osama bin Laden. Since the time is running out for Osama bin Laden. So for people that don't, they can't see.

Right. They're, it's like Osama, you know, look alike and another guy seated in a cave, delivering one of those, you know, anti-American message, like look videos. And the production is great on it because it's all grainy. Yeah. It's like they did it in a webcam that they have in there.

And then Veronica Kane is live from Afghanistan. I can't believe she got that assignment. That is so crazy. The blonde. The perfect one to send over. She's reporting back about it. And soon he'll fall into the hands of the Northern Alliance and the Special Forces.

I don't think so, Veronica. So Veronica says that she's just reporting on this live story. 01:13:16,360 --> 01:13:17,880 She's just in Afghanistan. You just, yeah, covering the news. Well, covering the hunt for Osama. News, female newscasters have long hooker nails. I'll tell you right now.

Long blonde hair. I'm going to ask you for the link to this one. How dare you? Let's see. Oh, they got her. Oh, no. First Daniel Pearl, now her. Oh.

Oh, Bin Laden is touching our woman's boobs. Yeah. I like how they speak. I wonder if that's actual. We cut out three quarters of them. What's going on? A whole bunch of stuff. I wonder if this is the legit language.

They are, they've captured or they're torturing her for answers, most likely. Do you think that's the real? That wasn't really blurred out. Well, He covered three quarters of the screen and left just a vagina and a dildo going on. Do you think that was the proper translations for the language?

I think so. I think they were like looking for authentic speakers. Must speak Arabic. That's true. It did sound just like Mahalala. Wow. I wonder if they let Veronica go after that. I don't know.

I mean, what's worse, getting beheaded by them or. That's a good point. That's them all spinning on her. Oh my God. That's the torture. Who got off better though? Right. Man, that's got to be a fun scene to shoot.

You know, that one. Oh, yeah. Really fun. I think I'd rather get John McCain than. John McCain. You'd rather be like John, like, uh, I think, you know, I didn't check that. That's a POW.

I'll have to double in that. Yeah. Get captured by the VC. Oh, they torture the shit out of it. Put into a cave then seriously, then be raped by a bunch of terrorists like that. I don't know which one I would prefer. Yeah.

You want bamboo under your fingernails? Or do you want their dicks in you? Yeah, I don't want their dicks in me. Okay. How about this scenario? Would you rather you're going to be with the VC and they're going to beat the fuck out of you, sure, break your arm, fuck up your shoulder,

break your ribs, knock you out a few times and keep you for a year and then you're freed or three guys spit on you, stick dicks and dildos in you. Hold on. But then they let you go when they're done. One instance? Yeah. How often are you getting beaten?

You're getting beaten once every... You get some form of beating every week. Okay, that's easy. How would take the dicks from the Arabs? Yeah, for sure. Really? 100%. Over a year of beatdowns, you get to leave after.

Yeah, but I feel like I'd be more traumatized for this. Really? Yeah, I just... Man, I need to rough you up a little bit. What would you take? Oh, the dicks, yeah. Hell yeah. Take some one day.

A beatdown every week for a year? Yes, because at least that I'll be like, yeah, I'm just getting beaten today. It's a year. But then I wouldn't be able to be intimate with somebody after something like that. Yeah, you would just go to therapy. How long is their dildo session on you?

It's like three and a half hours. Oh, fuck. I could do it. Yeah, they spit in your face. You can't do it. They call you an infidel. Yeah, I can't do it. And then they go, this is a message from Allah.

And they unload in you. Oh, you really ended this one. Yeah, that would be... Okay, here's the bad part. The three of them, they want to empty their balls multiple times. But here's the thing, you. What if they empty their balls

and then they liked America afterwards? Yeah, do your country. You're saying that I can singlehandedly stop the conflict in the Middle East if I sacrifice myself? They're like, oh, blonde hair, woman. And then they're like, oh, America's pretty dope, actually. Yes, okay. I would sacrifice myself for America.

Yes, I would. The greater good. I would, for the great... Yes. I didn't realize you had that in you. I would. Would you? Are you taking for fun anyways?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. For Saturday night for you two animals. That sounded fun. Hell yeah. God, look at you two pigs. They're just spitting on me and they're like, I'm mad at you for them. Like, yeah, what's up, man?

You'd be like, I have a funny question. Now, what would be worse? Do you think it would be worse that if all those guys empty themselves in you rectally? I have a good one, too. Or in the throat. I would prefer rectally, probably. So would I.

Because you can fart all that shit out of you, right? You can basically shit jizz out of you. You can't get it out of your gut. I have to check with a doctor friend of mine. But I think you're correct. Wait, but here's the thing. They can give you like... I think I'll say that in words.

Here's the thing though. They can give you like butt herpes and stuff. Do you know what I mean? They definitely can. You can get something that's still better than mouth herpes. Yeah, I would rather get in my butt than in my mouth. Right. What about you?

So I have a funny question to ask you guys. I would rather have butt herpes and mouth herpes. Yeah. Because at least you can kind of hide it from peeps. You can really hide it. Not kind of hide it. That's probably the best place to have herpes is your butt. Is it?

I mean, if you had to have herpes anywhere, where would you prefer? A doctor friend told me that he treats all this stuff. And he said that a lot of times guys are embarrassed or just ignore all this stuff. And we'll wait until it is like a raging full inflammation. Yes. Of course.

Guys are disgusting. What do they ignore? Genital warrens and things like that. All the signs. What are they like? Oh, there's a ward on my dick, but that's going to go with it. By the time they get that by the time that he sees them, it is completely covered.

There's a stench. It's like it looks like it looks like, like, like a feature film FX, like for, you know, an alien on their dick. And then they're like, is this something? And then they go to him like, this feels like this should be looked at. This is why girls need to wear, you need to not have sex with dirty dudes. I did my fantasy football draft a couple of weeks ago. I know you like would you rather.

I've got one too. Yeah. My high school friend posed one to me that I thought was very interesting. I think you'd particularly enjoy this one. Okay. So I'll pose it to you. If you had to sleep with Tom, but it was your father's brain. Next, whatever the other one is.

Well, then it would be Tom's brain in your father's body. Oh gosh. At least I could close my eyes. Tom's brain in my dad's body, unfortunately. Yeah. Because it would still be him inside of the shell. Yes. And I would just block out in the vessel and just think of Tom.

People would think you were crazy. Some people don't choose that one. Isn't that weird? What? What's fucked up, right? Wait, what would you guys choose? Yeah, I would try to. I would choose the vehicle over the brain.

Yeah. Oh, you would choose the vehicle. No, no, no. I would choose the brain over the vessel. The brain over the vessel. Yeah, yeah. What about you? I think you have to choose the brain.

Yeah, but that's your mom. Exactly. And I talk like, and I talk like his mom and I'm like, hey, Tommy. Yeah, but you'd have to. I'm about to come, Tom. No, because you have to start talking. You'd have to keep reassuring me. Like, don't worry that it's these boys.

It's me. Yeah, it's me. It's Christina. I'd be like, oh, shut up. I will lick your scrum. Does it help if I keep talking? No. Fuck.

That is fucked up, Potter. Whoa, you're not so hot. How are you today? Damn it, mom. OK, I have one. Apropos are our porn discussion. OK, both of you guys, would you rather do the porno Middle Eastern thing that we just saw?

You're just an actor. You're the girl. OK. And all those guys fucking jail on you. And it's just like a work day. Or you do the n-word scenario thing. You're the girl, but you're doing it in real life. Like you're with two black dudes and you're a blonde girl.

And it's real life. And you're like, excuse me, I have a funny question. And you just kind of roll the dice and see what happens. There's layers to that one because I think a pretty girl could get away with doing that. I don't know. I really do. They would be like, oh, you want to say some shit, huh?

And then take care of it the same way. I feel like it wouldn't be very different than the porno, so no. Really? Right? Am I wrong? Really? Let's switch it.

Then let's try the tables. You're a white guy with a black girl. OK. And you're like, excuse me, I have a question for you. Do you mind if I call you the n-word? Here's the thing, though. Because this applies to every time the scenario is brought up. What type of person are we dealing with?

Because if you're talking about, this is a straight up, animalistic sex act. Like, there's nothing there, but this is a sex thing. I think you can get away with a lot more crates. But if you're talking about, like, I went on a date, bought her dinner, and I go, I got a silly little question to ask you. Yeah, I don't think that would fly.

So I'm weird. Do you think that might turn you off a little bit? Keep this one for a third date. Yeah, that's a scenario. It's this nice girl that you take after her. But your kink is, you want to call her that, and you got to ask. Man, if it's really your kink, I mean, it's a bad one to volunteer. I think what you would do is you'd probably,

you'd try to find a way there. You'd have to. Without being, you can't just, like, out of the gate, say it. You got to start, like, playing music and get her take, you know? Maybe you watch something that you watch some W. Camel Bell show and be like, what do you think about all this? Where do you stand? Where do you stand?

She's like, I mean, it's cool. And you're like, cool, cool, cool. Are you, like, an activist, cool? So what you're telling me is you, what would you rather do? The porno Middle Eastern thing? You're the girl or a real life. You need to ask this chick if you can say the answer. It'd be terribly, um...

You've got one date. There's no finessing this. I know, it'd be terribly embarrassing for it to go wrong, obviously. Yeah, it'd be horrible. It'd be horrible. But even that shame is not as bad as being spit on and filled up by, like... In a porno world. A bunch of terrors.

This is just your job. Now, this is just your, in the other scenario, the Middle Eastern scenario, you're quite literally just like the actress that day. It's like a pig. You get paid 50 old dollars. So you get paid to do the... The porno version of that, what you saw. You're just that girl.

That's your life. Or in real life, you take the girl out and ask her. Correct. I think I would still take the real girl and risk being humiliated. I'll take the payday. 50 bucks, aren't you? 50 bucks? That's it.

Now you're making me think about it. Let's price it realistically. What do you think a girl gets for that? It's 1500 bucks. I'd take it. Take it. Yeah, it's like 1500 bucks. Fair.

Sign me up. Deal. Yeah. Yeah. I would take the real life scenario. And risk just because I don't want to be in a porno game. So you'd be on this date with this nice guy. Yeah.

And I got to ask you a silly question. Can I ask you a silly question? See, I think a lot of guys would tolerate it more. I think it would fare better for you than it would for us. Girls get away with... We could talk some shit. We could say some crazy shit. Yeah, you could be like,

can I call your dad, Fag, and he'd be like, all right. He might think he might be... Can we call him hot? Yeah. Yeah. Guys think everything is hot. And also, you know what happens to a guy who hears a woman, like if you go on a date and ask a guy...

Can I ask you a silly question? Can I call you the M-word? No matter what comes after you. This guy, unless he is real, like his whole life is doing the right thing. He's going to be like, this bitch is going to be the freakiest of all time. Just for asking me that,

she's going to be such an animal that probably most, I think, would be like, yeah, sure. And then they might even take a thrill in... You were saying those things where they just then punish you. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Now, saying it as a guy to a woman,

that brings up an interesting scenario. I might have to look up that kind of... See if that porn exists. Yeah. That would be a totally different dynamic, though. Totally different. Unbelievably different, scary dynamic. Yeah.

You don't want to fucking do that. Now, what if you went out with an African-American woman and then she asked you to do that? I would do it, but I would be hesitant still. It would take a lot. I'd have to maybe have a few glasses of wine. No, it's so like... Loosen me up a little bit.

Yeah. I don't know if I could. I'd be like... And she's like, louder. Louder, you bitch. I want the neighbors to come. I'm like, I don't think I'd have that alpha in me to be able to do that.

Yeah. That's good stuff. Thanks, Josh. Yeah. Really good work, Josh. I mean, that's why we brought you around. That was really troubling. You ready?

Ready for lunch? Yeah. Let's go eat. Let's go have some lunch and we'll be back with another guest. All right. So now, finally, the moment of truth here. This has been in the works for a while.

We've had to reschedule, but now it's official. I'm super excited to bring in a great comic, an LA native. All right. Felipe Esparza. Hey. Hey. Hey, what's up?

Hey. What's up, man? Welcome. This is pretty crazy. Is that cool? Pull from the, if you pull from the stem, as we learned. Is that? Is that better?

Yeah, good. All right. You want it down? Yeah, I'm good right here. There you go. It's pretty crazy, dude. One of the things I respect the most about you is, I mean, every comic, obviously, you respect,

but your ride has to be, it's really a fairy tale. It's a miracle. Do you ever stop and go like, holy shit? Because like to go from, you're from Boyle Heights. Yes. Like for people that don't know, tell them where Boyle Heights is. Boyle Heights is like when you leave downtown and you go east

and you see the first neighborhood, that's Boyle Heights. That's Boyle Heights, yeah. And then once you get to like a street called Indiana, that's where Easter labor begins. Okay. So Boyle Heights though, it's a rough neighborhood. Yeah. But I grew up in a section where most of the housing projects were.

And Boyle Heights. Yeah. Because there's projects where it's kind of like Estrada Cores, Pickle Gardens, Aliso Village, and Grand Obesta, and all these ones were, I guess, hazard projects. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hazard projects. Yeah.

Actually, if you see my special, mostly stories, it opens with a sequence shot around LA. And we went to the hazard projects, non-permitted, to shoot this part. Dude, these guys like found us and basically were cool to us. But they were, at first they were like, what the fuck are you doing here? Because we were just with a camera crew.

Oh, yeah. Shooting all that footage, you know? And then you can see some of them, because I'm standing on that bridge that like the overpass. Yeah. Over there. But I'm saying like, it's great. Like, when you look back to where you came from,

like, do you ever go like, holy shit, how far you've made it? You mean, it's amazing. Yeah, I stay like, damn. Like, when I go visit, like, I don't go visit too much, but like, homeboy industries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every once in a while, when I would go there a lot, I would drop by sometimes just say hello to Father Greg,

and I would see like someone I grew up with. Yep. Who got locked up when I was a kid and he barely coming out. Wow. And for people that don't know, homeboy industries, it was started as like an outreach program to give, you know, gang bangers and stuff jobs. And I'm tattoo removal.

It's pretty wild, man. And you come from that. I mean, if I would tell Felipe at, you know, 13 that you'd have the life you have now, you'd probably be like, what the fuck? I'll never leave them, man. Yeah. I started going like, I think like a fool when I was older,

though, like 19. Really? Yeah, because I really like school. But when I got out of school, I was bored. You enjoyed school. Yeah. And you did. Were you in the comedy when you were that age or no?

Well, a couple of friends of mine, when we were walking home, we saw these two guys like smoking weed. Yeah. And they were listening to Eddie Murphy Delirious. Oh, that's fast. With a ghetto blaster, like this cheerleader smoking weed. And we stood behind them till they kicked us out. Really?

Yeah. But that's when the first time I saw, I heard someone do stand-up comedy. But what about you trying it for the, where did you try it first? At the Natural Fudge Comedy Theater on Fountain. It was like, it was Coffee House. They did comedy on Mondays with punk rock music.

So a punk rock band performed. And when the next band is setting up, a stand-up comedian will go up and do like an open mic. Yeah. And I met Jamie Kennedy there. Yeah. And Alonzo Bowden. Yeah.

And were those guys like encouraging? Were they telling you? Well, they were like, they've been doing it for a while, but I was straight up new. I didn't know, man. I was dressed like Fosse Bear. I was wearing the coat left in the 80s with a patch. That's all I knew.

That's what you thought I was standing for. That's what you thought I was standing for. Yeah. When I saw stand-up comedy, I just think that everybody dressed like Mark Pitta. Yeah. All right, all right, all right, dude. You know what I'm talking about?

Yes, I know what I'm talking about. Yeah, I know that guy. And then you go, you got good bids. Yeah. Northern California guy. Northern California, the radio guy out there. That's hilarious. That's fine.

So I was my first time. And oh, and I didn't have a tie. So I found a bolo. A bolo. You wore a bolo. I'm looking like Johnny Redcore from King of the Hill. And I was bald. What?

Yeah, because I just came out of rehab. So my hair was always bald like a gangster. Yeah. So it's completely bald and I'm going to stand-up comedy like Uncle Fester. Oh my gosh. Dude. Have you ever heard of, by the way,

a thing called cholo goth? Yeah, prayers, right? Yeah, dude. So stoked, you know. She just married. She just married Kat Von D. They're going to have a baby. Like any day.

He has a restaurant in San Diego. Yes, I know. I'm a huge fan. I was a goth girl growing up. Oh, wow. I mean, really goth. I hard core. But see, goth girls is a cousin of the cholo look.

It's very similar. We like dark penciled. Eyebrows, red lips, pale skin. So I hung out with a lot of cholo girls growing up. So like immigrants, Latino immigrants are into goth too. Yeah. And Morrissey. They love Morrissey.

And oldies. Fuckin' oldies, bro. He told me. Lot of oldies, man. Like, and I saw this video of, they had this goth walk. Bust a little Mexican dude in Mexico. So rad. Yeah.

The first time I saw a goth girl I didn't know. She came into all goth-y making her words. So she was dressed in black and I asked her, like, cholo be funny, like it's eighth grade. Hey, what happened, man? Who died? And she turned around and it was the perfect time when she said, your mom.

The whole fucking class left. That would have been your smart ass. That would have been me, dude. Yeah. But wet and wild. Because cholo girls were wet and wild. Same color, red that the goth girls were. So we'd be at the mirror after PD.

With the heavy makeup. Same shit. We had the same same thing, but a different arrangement. You know what I mean? Black lipstick. Did you go to high school down there then? I went to high school and wrote about high school. Is that in Boyle Heights area?

Yeah, Boyle Heights. Yeah. Theodore wrote about 456 South Matthew Street. LA 90033. Yeah. Nice, man. What's up? I was on the swimming team.

What? I needed to make up my grades. So like my teacher, well, the concert said, well, you got to take. Everybody was picking out the cool classes. I was left with crap, you know? Yeah. So I had to go between swimming class or some other bullshit. Right?

Like electronics. Because I was when I was going to school. Yeah. I don't know. Like if you were going to school, I was going to school. I was at the, I was barely where they were getting rid of the classes that were all industrial. Okay. Okay.

Like, like wood shop. Like wood shop. I took wood shop. That was awesome. You can make those fucking pencil holders. Yeah. The metal shop. Yeah.

Yeah, that's right. Safety is very important to the finger. Yeah. We took, I took metal shop with in a seventh grade. I can't believe like, like I have kids now and I would never imagine them doing like this stupid clip. No! Dude, we used a jigsaw in fucking wood class. For real?

Your fingers, all of them can be cut off. Yeah, totally. And no one watched us. We were like, wow. That's crazy. We were, we were mounting metal to make chisels in the metal class. Right. I show pot, you know, like Braveheart shit, making swords.

That class, I don't know why. Braveheart shit. Mr. Trigalli, man. Poor guy. He was from Thousand Knobs. He drove from Thousand Knobs every day to Boyle Heights. And Todd of Metal Shop. He was bald.

Here's the retired naval ship worker. Isn't that crazy? But we did with make ninja stars in that class. Of course. Of course, ninja stars. Those are best, man. I remember a chemistry class. We don't want anything to do with chemistry.

No, I never even took it. I was too stupid. And when they came, we had a mandatory one. And then he, he knew everybody was like, fuck your class. And he was like, I can make some shit explode. And we were like, all right, everybody's set up. We're like, make some shit explode, man. And then they had the thing where like, if a chemical gets in your eye.

Oh yeah. There's an emergency. The eye wash. Sure. And it's like, it's like a hundred pounds of water. Somebody pulled that shit. Uh-uh. Yeah.

Not in front of them, but like it was after hours. Oh shit. Huge flood. Yeah. That's fun. It was great. I took drafting. Drafting.

How fucking hard that was. It was boring, man. Boring and hard. Like drafting starts almost like. It's sorry. It's like almost like you get a little bunch of lines, right? Yeah, I do. But it's like a millimeter or a quarter inch.

Like you had to learn the ruler. It was terrible. Super jealous of being able to draw. Oh, me too. I can't do that shit. Drafting, did you make business cards? No. Okay, that's enough.

I don't remember what. Drafting cards. I don't remember. We just made like cool drawing, like geometric looking drawings. And then you got graded on whether or not you did it correctly. I thought it was drafting was where you make a whole pattern of a house in square. Like here's the living room. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think that's what you can use it for, but we were in seventh grade. You know what the only class worth of shit was looking back was typing. I remember typing. I remember typing. If you can learn how to type, here's the whole thing. Yeah, the pinky work, dude. That's so hard. You're like, fuck, this is uncomfortable.

Yeah, I'd hate it. My hand hurts. Yeah. I took the FDSA cooking class with Ms. Ishitani. Okay. Japanese teacher. Damn, you have a good memory for that. Yeah, because other classes where I was bad, I remember.

I got into a fight with some kid named Lalo at his because, you know, we're clowning each other and his mom works at a fucking lunch truck, silent tacos all day at the park. But he was in that class. Are you fucking serious? So, but he was like one of the rocker dudes with long hair and Levi jacket and yeah, those little loafers, pendentines, whatever the long wallabies. So you clown for that?

No, he was calling me because I was all dirty. But then we were working. Then he said, man, why are you trying to work? Get out of here. He's trying to take over the family business, motherfucker. He got mad. He punched me. He got into a fight.

Ms. Ishitani trying to break in and she's loaded up. She got pushed out the way. Were you a big dude then? You're a big guy. I was like medium size, five, nine, five, 10. Oh, okay. I'm six one now. Now, when you said like that, when you first did stand up, you're like

dressing this way, you're bald, you're just getting out of rehab. Yeah. Is doing stand up for the first time tied to you getting out of rehab? Was it like, you know what I mean, connected in some way? Yeah, when I was in rehab. How old were you? I was like 21, 22 years old. Okay.

I was in rehab and I never really spoke in public. Oh, actually I did in kindergarten, but like, you know, in an assembly, some kid would read in Spanish, one in English. I would read in Spanish. And there's other rehab. So there's a bunch of man, heroin addicts, everyone, and this guy named Tim from the San Fernando Valley Mission. He was like a Catholic priest.

No, no, a brother, like natural evening. He did like the sad work for the priest. Oh, missionary. Like going to rehab. So he would talk and come up with crazy games. And then he asked everybody write down your dreams in life. So I wrote down, you know, I have a dream where I wake up with no money, but I have money when I'm, you know,

I'm making a class. He would know those kind of dreams, your goals. So we wrote, okay, I want to be a comedian. I want to go to Italy because I love Olive Garden. Three be happy, four and five. I don't know. I love Olive Garden, man. I got four to get the bread and salad.

Yeah, that's awesome. Actually, you really, you really at that time though, you're like, I want to be a standup. Yeah. And that, that's that dream. Like I know you, you said you first heard delirious, but from then did you get into standup a lot more after that? Yes.

It was like during like, we had a VCR and my, you know, back in the day, if you bought a movie for somebody, there's like six movies attached to it. Yeah. That, yeah. Yeah. So someone loaned me a standup comedy and it had everybody's HBO special. As a young comedian with Rodney Daniels,

Phil DeSant, Phil DeSant, Kenneth St, The Dice Man, and Howie Mandel's special was in it, Robert Williams, Paul Rodriguez was young with a little sweater. Yeah. Was Paul a man to you then because he was a Latin guy? No, we, we know, we know, we liked him more because we, we, we let, we let it, we let it to him more. Yeah.

His jokes were silly, you know, and funny for us because we remember him better, like kind of like Richard Pryor, like, I never heard of these jokes, but my friends were, I remember, Paul Rodriguez would perform at Beverly, at a Belvedere Park at this annual Latino festival for Mexican Independence Day during the 80s. Like it was deep, man. Like, like if you went there, you knew what gang was there. And it was Manavilla, Manavilla projects because the fair was in Manavilla projects,

Belvedere were connected to those projects. So that's where Colomansilla grew up, those projects. Really? But that gang is deep Manavilla projects, right? Like Manavilla gang, but it was like a clash of so many gangs there. There was always a fight, but I was never there. I was too young to go, but my friend would tell me, yeah, Paul Rodriguez was there.

He was throwing tortillas at everybody. I said, what do you mean? He was, yeah, man, they were going under control. And Paul Rodriguez, he grabbed some tortillas and it was throwing at the audience during the fight. Come on, man, stop fighting, Mexican frisbees. That's hilarious, man. So that's what I saw. And then they shot Boyanita Lea in my neighborhood.

Oh, I remember that. That was the best. Yeah. Wait, were you tempted though? Were you tempted to get in gang shit at all? Like being exposed to it? Well, I got, I wasn't like, I got jumped. You did?

Yeah, well, I used to hang around with these kids that were break dancers. Yeah. But then they became gangs and they started selling crack and I was always hanging around with him. And one time we were jumping a bunch of people because they were doing bad. And I started jumping them too. Then somebody said, man, we didn't jump your ass in. So then I got jumped in. Oh, shit.

So then you were in. Yeah. Which gang? I was a gang in the projects. So then did you run with them after that? For only like for a little while. So I got into this big fight with my neighbor. Well, I'm not my neighbor.

Like my neighbor's on calls, whatever. I was like, I was out of it, man. Like I was on PCP. You've done that? No. No? I've never done that. I've tell me about it though.

That's the most. Yeah. That was the most popular drug in my neighborhood. Like there was he. It was big in like the late 80s, right? People would drive up and they'd go like this 15. And this guy was taking like a little vial and dip like a new poured or a cool sacred.

And they had their own pours. And they'll be like, okay, here's $15. All day long. All day long. By dipping it. Dipping it. Get wet. Yeah.

Yeah. We just learned that. So what does it feel like to smoke that then? Like the incredible whole game or no parade. Like they, I remember there are stories on the news. Like a woman would be able to like lift a car if the baby was under it or something. That's it.

It all depends. You know, if you're like already crazy and you're mad when you're doing it, you're going to go do crazy stuff. What if you're in a chill state of mind and you do it? Well, that's my friend Eli. That guy was the guy that he fixed everyone's car in the neighborhood. Yeah. He was talking about PCP.

PCP's are fixing somebody's Volkswagen. And he'll stay like in a holy the ranch for like two hours straight. Without moving. But what happened to me was I just finished watching Terminator 2. Oh, shit. So it was pumped up already. Oh, shit. I was drinking one of those sports bottles.

You know those sports bottles? Yeah. From our AMPM. Yeah. And I filled it up with Long Island iced tea. Oh my God. So I was ready. When I got to the neighborhood, this guy picked a fight with me.

He had just came out of prison. I was like, I was like, look at this old man. What do you want to fight me? He was like 30. I was 22. Why you want to fight me? Did you ask him? You just got into a fight with him?

Yeah. And because they call me Batman. But you were calling me like Fat Man or Wack Man or you know, just bad names. I was ignoring him. But he started pushing me and then like I'll try to walk away. Then he pushed me. Then I went for the sucker punch and I missed. How'd that end up?

Oh, bad. Because he kind of punched me in the face. My nose started bleeding in my mouth immediately. And then he punched me again in the eye. But then I started like, I don't know, he was killing me. You know, he was fucking me up. But now he got me like in a choke hold. One of those holes, you know?

Yeah. I guess the UFC hold. They were calling now. The Jetsu hold, yeah. Yeah. But you know, people always talk about, you know, this is how you get out of this move. This is what you do if you ever get in this move. Nah, man.

This is what you do. You bite the motherfucker's ear off. You don't let go right away. Forget about whatever really taught you anywhere else. You bite the ear off, they let go, man. That's how you did? Yeah, I bit half his ear off. And he let go.

And right there, he started crying like a little girl. Whoa. Because it started stinging. So I started beating him up. You know, man, I want to see that corner fight. And you know what happened afterwards and how it led to it. That's a real fight. I don't know.

You've never been punched. You don't know what I'm talking about. Yeah. So the adrenaline was going. PCP was in my head. Is it a full body? I took my bow and I started whipping him like an animal. With a belt?

01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640

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01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640

01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640

01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:47,640 01:45:47,640 --> 01:45:48,440 Yeah. Damn. At 20 megacolons in his face. Yeah.

Nice. But I blacked out after that. I didn't know anything. But they told me that his brother jumped in and I fought both of them. And but they beat me up because I know I had more blood on my t-shirt. Whoa. He bit his fucking ear off. He had like a tip.

Did you taste the blood? I don't remember, man. What's the, is the feeling in PCP, is it body high, your whole body? Like do you feel? Very slow. Very slow. But I guess that anger triggers it. Yeah.

Well they say sometimes, you know, talk to cops about, you know, fights they've been in. And how like a guy who's really amped up on PCP, they can have like 10 guys trying to take him down. He'll still fucking keep. Correct me if I'm wrong. But isn't this when LAPD started using taser guns? Yeah, they're choke holds. Because of like PCP use?

I want to say, I'm serious that they couldn't, they couldn't like restrain people and they had to start shooting them with the taser guns. They might be. You might be right. And if you even got to show the taser on PCP, you'd be like, Was that your favorite drug then? No, the last time I did it. Was then?

Yeah. Oh wow, okay. Well, yeah, you bit some guys ear off, huh? It's pretty wild. Yeah. But it's funny, like people would just pop out of PCP, join anywhere like birthday parties. Yeah.

What? Yeah, man. I was at a birthday party eating like all eating goat, you know, like beefy goat with rice and beans tortillas and birthday cake. There's somebody going to bat man. They're going to go smoke a PCP joint over there. I said, all right. So I ate my food in two bites.

And I went over there and smoked, smoked with it. And 30 minutes later threw up in their car. You know, they're like, thanks a lot, Felipe. Holy shit. What about, did you ever do meth, crystal meth? Not like, not like a lot, like everybody, you know, we're like, we're, I never smoked it. Yeah.

I didn't know how to do that. Like, I thought it was for losers. Yeah. Well, meth was popular in the nineties, if I recall. Everyone in high school did it. It was called ice, right? Yeah. Yeah.

You know, getting, or. Yeah. And your step sister. Yes. Yes. That's right. Had a little problem with it. It was pretty popular in the nineties in LA.

It's cheap and good. Yeah. And it wasn't always in the clubs when I was a goth girl. All the goths were doing meth. You didn't get into that? No. How did you avoid? I was afraid of it.

01:48:29,000 --> 01:48:30,200 I was afraid of it. From stories or what? I just, I, from Nancy Reagan, the dare program. Holy shit. But I did other stuff. I did LSD. I did, you know, pot, other shit.

But I just thought it was nasty. I just knew it was synthetic, you know? Yeah. I didn't know how it was made. That's what scared me about meth. It's like just some dude in a basement or whatever. How about mushrooms? Yeah.

Well, that's yeah, you know. I did a mushroom for the first time like three years ago. Really? As an adult. I've never done it before. I wish I would have done it earlier. Yeah, it's hard to do. If I would have done it earlier,

I probably would have never done no other drugs. Because you enjoyed it that much. Yeah. Yeah. I was watching it. I was watching clothing control the first time, for the first time. I've never seen it before.

And you were doing it on mushrooms. Yeah. Because I loved it. It was awesome, man. When, when he's building that mountain, I was playing with my kneecap. Now, we've had this ongoing debate going on here about ride or die.

For God's sake. I swam the way in on it. Ride or die? Yeah, well here's my scenario. Have you been married before? Let's start there. Married now. Married now.

You're married. Okay, so yeah. Okay, there you go. And you've got children. So you're, you've got, yeah. You're fully an adult. Okay, go ahead. He's perfectly.

He's a grown ass man. Go ahead. So am I asking him if he's gonna tell? No, but whatever. All right. Let's say. Ask him if he thinks I'm right or wrong. Okay.

Or what his wife would do. Yeah, that's a good idea. How about that? Well, I'll say this. Let's say tomorrow you're hanging out at the house. Your wife has some things to take care of. She comes back home and she goes, what's up, babe? And you're like, I gotta tell you something.

While you were out today, Amazon dropped off a package and, you know, the box was all torn open and it was all broken. And I was super pissed about it. So I ended up killing the driver. So anyway, he's in the trunk of my car. I just need to go like handle this now. Do you think your wife calls the authorities on you? Or does she help you hide the body?

She probably called the authorities. Really? Bam. Oh. You have to kill her too. And what? You probably have to kill her too. You'd have to kill her too.

Why is that, Felipe? Walk us through the logic. Go ahead. Tell us why you think she would turn you in. Because murder, man. You know, what if you kill her? Thank you. That's what I've been saying.

That's her logic. Because if he's going to turn on the Amazon delivery guy for nothing, he's going to turn on me. He didn't turn on the Amazon delivery guy for nothing. The package was torn open. I got it. Everything was broken. So he's upset.

But now you think he's going to get me next? And my kids, I got to protect the children. Yeah, yeah, man. Look at that. You don't know what's going to happen next. Oh, burn. That's all our time. Facial.

But I watched it off the radio, too, though. Yeah, yeah. And what did you learn? Man, when you roll up a carpet, you got to burn the floor. When you roll up a body in the carpet, you got to burn the floor, man. Yeah, really? There's fibers behind. Yeah.

Little hair, especially the person that's curly hair. Never kill a person with curly hair. There you go. That's a good one. That is the quote of the show. The quote of the show is never kill a person with curly hair. This says that Diaz is ride or die. Let's see.

This isn't a file. Joey? Yeah. Oh, this is a. That's right. Cocksuckers, ride or die. I love you, motherfuckers, all right? Have a phenomenal day.

Don't let nobody fuck with you. And it's your world. These motherfuckers are visiting, all right? If you don't want to eat brown, you don't need it. Don't do it just because. Oh, my faggy fucking wins. Fuck them. Fuck them and get rid of them.

You got to get good people when you're fucking. Solid fucking savages. And don't give a fuck. If you stab them up a fucking three in the morning and you call them, they say, fucking, I'm going down to the belly end. I'm going to stab them again. Those are the fucking people you want. If you don't have those people, they're just fucking acquaintances.

You know what I'm saying? I love you. Stay black. Oh, yeah. I love you, motherfuckers. How much do you love Joey Diaz? He's the best. But I'm glad Felipe is with me.

You're the first guest we've had. I don't know that Felipe is sides with you. He does. Felipe has said that he thinks his wife would side with you. Well, but he said that she has to turn. Oh, yeah. Otherwise, he's going to fucking kill her next. She doesn't know that.

Yeah, he said it. I got to kill her too. I think she would have turned me in or gave me like a two hour to get away at least. Oh, that's the nice thing. Now here's the thing. Now that's that's a ride or die move. Totally right.

I would give you a two hour head start. And that's what right up to. Sorry. So what? Tire up. No, wait a minute. Don't get my ideas. I wouldn't tell her because I'd be kidnapping right there.

Yeah. But you're already a murderer in. So now let's flip the scenario. You get home. You're like, hey, I got some pastries. And she's like, I got to tell you something, Felipe. While you were out, I killed the air conditioning guy. Do you do you call the authorities on her?

It's your wife. Who's going to take care of the kids? I don't know. I'm asking. I would ask what the air conditioning guy is. She goes, I stuffed his body in the closet. So are you going to help me get rid of this or what? No, man.

No. Let me mean accomplice. Right. 01:54:25,480 --> 01:54:27,240 See, he's thinking in realistic terms. He's thinking very realistic. I like it. He's actually putting thought into it.

Yeah. Being very grounded. So do we call the, call him the popo or what? Sounds like he is. Oh, no. We'll call a lawyer first. Really? I owe Jay.

And tell us what to hide, what to do. Oh, get the heads up. Oh. Smart. Then call the cops. Yeah. Then I call a cop, maybe like a cop that I know on Facebook. And then I'm asking, what would you do?

Oh, just give him my hypothetical. Hey, man, if your wife just killed him. I'm asking for a friend here. What would you do? He'd be like, Felipe, what are you asking me this for? I don't know. I'm just curious. Now I like the way he thinks.

Lawyer up, number one, call the lawyer. That's actually the smartest one we've heard. Yeah. I might do that first and then give you a two hour. I think that's a pretty good idea. You call a lawyer right here. At the lawyer what he wants to do. I say, you know, go out there and go eat what you want to eat.

Have a good time. Right. Take yourself in an hour. Right. Yeah, he probably would tell you to go get that last meal. I never thought of that part. Yeah, the food ain't too good in prison. A real, like a tried through and through lawyer with experience would be like.

Get laid. Yeah, get laid, get paid, get, yeah, get something to eat. And we'll go, we'll go after that. Yeah, that's good. If I was going like that, if I was going like that, if I was going like that, even though I'm vegan now, I would fucking just eat like three fucking big men. Are you vegan really?

No shit. How long have you been vegan? Since like 2012 or something. That's how long. Was this a, were you prompted by your wife? No, I was, I was, I was doing the Atkins diet. And I was just eating cheese and meat. I don't know shit.

I wasn't drinking no water. It was just soda, cheese and meat. Then I was constipated. Couldn't take a shit. Sure. Went to the mosque class. And then like fucking rip. I was like a lot of shit, a lot of blood.

Really? I was telling people it felt like I was ripped by a ghost. So you're saying that the Atkins diet, you couldn't take a shit. So then you were like, I should probably eat some vegetables. Mama, I want to eat vegetables now. Yeah. So I want to be in a, I started eating just fish at first with no more meat. Yeah.

Fuck with my ass, man. Yeah, man. Yeah. And then I just switched over to all vegan. Wow. Looking for you. You feel better now? I feel better.

Yeah. You got like nothing but greens in you. It's great. How are those dumps now? Steakier. Yeah. But easier. Easier.

Yeah. That's good. So somebody messaged us. They said, I've been reflecting about your studies of gender transitions. I was especially intrigued a couple episodes ago when Ari was a guest. Christina asked who would make the prettier woman between Ari and Tom. Yeah. And then again on the episode with Christine Hazel Decker when Christina wondered if Tom

would make a beautiful woman after transitioning attached as a graphic I created to help you better visualize what the transitions of some of your favorite comedy pals might look like. Okay. Definitely some handsome ladies in this bunch. Enjoy. Thanks for making me laugh. Jean's Chloe. All right.

Here's what Chloe made up here. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Whoa. There you are, Tommy. I look like such a slut. With no facial hair though. Oh, I know.

Your eyebrows are not on fleek. I mean, Ari does kind of look like a woman. He does. Joey's terrified. Joey's terrible. She's terrified of Flintstone. Oh, look at her. Burt looks just like a fat Southern lady, right?

He looks like the ghost whisperer. Oh, wait. No. The psychic medium. Yeah, yeah. Marshall's something. Yeah. Also kind of like the, what's the fat racist?

Paula Deen. Paula Deen kind of. Oh, like the fat racist chef and the fat racist comedian. I could see him being like, I gotta tell y'all something. Long Island medium. Yeah. Long Island medium. That's what it is.

And then Joe, Joe kind of looks like a slut who's been through some shit. Right? Yeah. Like she definitely only knows to blow you on a first date. That's what this kind of looks like. She's, that's her compromise. Yeah. She's like, I had a good time.

I blew him. You know, you know, wow. But I also think it has to do with the highlights. They made her look sluttier. Yeah. Your makeup, all your makeup's terrible. Ari is like made to be a woman. Yeah.

He looks way better than you guys. Joey actually looks like some Cuban women I've seen. Joey, look at that lady that at birthday party she'll count how many sodas your son drank. That was seven sodas you drank already. Oh, man. You look terrible, Tom. I look like I've been through some shit. I think.

You look like a bible with people. Yeah. Okay. Let's rank them on the ugliest. Joey, I'm sorry, Joey, I love you, but not a good woman. He's number one on the ugliest. And then now I'm going to go to Burt's Terrible. I think because of the fillings.

And you know what this looks like too? Skin tones, Tom. You know what this woman looks like to me? The Burt woman. Like a really sad woman who puts out a positive vibe. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you see her.

Really? She looks more like she's she has for the manager everywhere she goes. Definitely, yeah. She has for the manager. But she's also like, I just feel like she's like, oh, y'all, how are things with y'all right now? And then you find out for bankruptcy. Right. The inside is chaos.

It's chaos. It's all it's all fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So she and I are pretty tight. Okay. So I'm going to go.

No, no, no. Number one for the ugliest. Ugliest first place. Joey Diaz. Okay. Second place. Burt Chrysler. Yeah.

Burt Chrysler. Sorry, Tommy. I'm going to give you third place for the ugliest woman. Fourth, Joe Rogan. And then the prettiest is Ari. So Ari was right. Ari is the prettiest woman. The prettiest transition woman.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. You feel like it? Yeah. Would you rank them for me? Go ahead.

Exactly like that. Yeah. Tommy, what do you think? Yeah. I mean, I will go like, I will go one, like prettiest. One, two, three, four, five. Who's the ugliest? Wait, one is here.

Yeah. One is Ari. Two is Tom. Three here. Three. Yeah. Three is Joe. Four.

Four is Burt. 02:00:33,240 --> 02:00:33,960 Five. Five. Yeah. And that's the order. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Joey's looks amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Joey's looks like shit. Yeah. Yeah.

Shit. That like, she was, she was rode hard, you know, in her, in her younger days. Now see, you were kind of like a girl. Yeah. But I also look like a little bit like a burn victim because they had to like pencil off my beard. The makeup's not great for any of you guys.

Yeah. But they were able to find hairless photos of the other guy. You do look like no bullshit though. You know what I mean? You're kind of a mean girl. Because I've been hurt. This looks like I've been hurt. Yeah.

Like this woman's been hurt a lot. And you know what? I'm not, I'm not going to get hurt again. No, you're in law school too. You're going to fucking show that. Oh yeah. Yeah. I learned to read as an adult.

Yeah. And I'm, I'm teaching myself the law. Yeah. Yeah. You're no nonsense. You're a single mom. Oh, this is total single mom. You're a single mom.

Yeah. Ari is just that college slut. Like don't you feel like he, This is a women's studies. He gets, but he gets mudded by the whole seventh floor crew. Crew comes up. Yeah. The whole crew's there.

But on the down low. Oh yeah. But he's a fem, yes. He's in feminine study or women's studies. Yeah. Everything's a microaggression. We're three and seven or four. Come knock on the door.

Holds, bounds of that ass. All over our floor. Nick, Newtie, good. Martin's in the seventh floor crew. We've got a one and seven man train. All up in you. So don't bring your name. Jesus.

We're going to run a seven man train up all in you. All up in you. Yeah. Jeez, believe me. Why not? You ever heard of that? Damn. Seventh floor crew.

He's seen some shit. You seen some shit? I see some shit, man. Yeah. I went to a swingers bar in Phoenix. I didn't know they had that many. That many. I feel like Arizona's a lot of swingers.

A lot of shit out there in Phoenix, man. In Florida. In Florida. On the cover shit. Yeah. One of the, a friend of mine told me that he was hanging out at a club, a comedy club. And place shut down.

It was just like a green room hangout and an orgy busted out. No, no. In the club. Wow. Yeah. That happened, that happened. Well, it was no orgy, but people were getting lap dance after the comedy show and some play, some show I did in,

I think. Scottsdale? No Scottsdale. Here in LA, somewhere. Oh, here? By Pomona. And it just kind of went from there. I was like, why are they giving out lap dances?

We haven't even got paid. I left the show one time in Ontario. And the next day they, the guys were like, why'd you leave last night, man? Shit got really crazy to hear that. I was like, I'm seeing that shit. No, it was the staff was like, yeah. I got, we had to, we had to forcibly ask people to leave

because they were doing some not so legal things in our green room. Oh. I was like, oh shit. A couple of our friends were there. Wow. Okay. People we know.

You're not going to say any more on that? I think I should probably not. It was a long time ago. I'll tell you off. Florida is fucking weird. 02:03:26,920 --> 02:03:30,200 I've been offered, you know, hey, there's a hot tub back at our house, like by the owner and his wife,

if you want to join us in the hot tub. A lot of swingers in Florida, a lot of swingers in Arizona. Hot tub is always the move. That's how you get people to fuck, right? That's a staple for people that want to fuck more. They know. I got hot tub. Yeah.

Yeah. In Tampa, like I was doing a show. And that's the city by the way. They told me after the show, Philippe, we're going to go party or there's going to be a lady with three titties. But they're prosthetic, I guess. But she just put a fake tittie there.

Why? But they were telling me she's going to, she might come to the show. She didn't come to the show. But I got to see her. Like in what movie was that? Total recall? Yeah, exactly like that.

Yeah. For the third tittie. Mm-hmm. Damn. Unreal. Unreal, man. Be great for breastfeeding. I know.

Right. And then you also, by the way, I didn't want to forget this. You're one of the few guys, I would say like, I feel like there was like, I'm probably underscoring it, but you did last comic. Yeah.

And I don't know. I feel like there's probably five or six people that that show was actually designed for. In other words, good comic gets great exposure and then capitalizes on it. And you're one of those like five or six people. Because a lot of people in the, like, you know, in the execution of the show,

you realize you're like, oh, they weren't ready for this show. Yeah. They were just on the show. But they really had 30 minutes. Yeah. Right. But you're one of the people that was able to,

was that a fun thing to do? Yeah, I thought it was fun. Like, a lot of the top five comedians, they already been, they already headlined before. They have been a Letterman. Yeah. They've been on stuff. I think they've had half hours.

What season were you? Seven. And who, like, who was in, like, your final few? And my final one was Roy Woods Jr. He's very funny. Mike Kaplan. Yeah, I know. Mike is the final.

He died with some peace. And Tommy, John again. Oh, John again. So you had good comics in your final five. But the people that were, like, in the top 20, top 40, they also did well. Like, Cristela Alonso, she got on. I love Cristela.

She got her show. And Tiffany Haddish. Oh, yeah. And Lil Ralph. Yeah. So they were all on your episode on the season. Very good. Yeah, that's a good lineup.

There's, like, over the years, I mean, it always stood out to me, like, people who were ready for it. You know, like, Ralph, he was obviously somebody who was. That was perfect for Ralph. Yeah, it was perfect for him. Bowdoin was obviously really ready for it. You.

I didn't realize. Rodman. He was ready. He'd been doing it forever. I can't name him after that. I think the last winner wasn't even announced on television. Seriously? That's true.

Really? Who else do we know last time? The cinema email. With a bunch of claps emojis. Oh, you did it, dude. It's pretty funny. When I won, but I didn't know, like, TV is so thorough, you know, they check everything.

The background checks. Sure. I almost didn't get on the show because they found out that I had a bench war and, like, I didn't go to, I think I fell to a peer court three times. So they're out there looking for me still. But it wasn't me. I told the cow.

I told the private investigator for NBC and the lawyer. Look at the man. I got arrested one time and the only person who knows about that is Canada when I go to Canada. You got arrested in Canada? No, but it only shows up in Canada. Oh, right, right, right. That's the only one that it comes up.

So it was my brother. My brother committed those crimes, not me. So I had to go find a photo of my brother and then they compared the person I locked up with a person who didn't get locked up. They let me go. No shit. But there was a comedian on the show that I know personally, they cut him out of the photo because they were going to kick him

out of the show anyways because I'm a criminal or something they did. So when I took the photo, I saw that they grabbed him and put him on the left side and they cut him on the TV. No shit. That's fucked up, huh? So when I won $250,000, my son's mom filed for child support. No lie, just give me red new material. She became the last baby mama standing.

She filed the next day. The next day. She got like $140,000. From that? Yeah. Damn. Plus after like 10% of all that, I felt like in that movie with Tina Turner, I just want my name.

So wait a minute, of a $250,000 winning prize. Yeah, two kids and that's one thing I understand how like you could all just $25,000 in child support, but every month you don't pay. They add another $300,000 and it keeps adding up and it keeps adding up. So what did you keep of the $250,000? You kept like? Like $100,000 or something. You got $90,000.

Okay, $90,000. It's all good. All right, man. Well, yeah, but here's the thing though. For you, that wasn't like the, that's what I'm saying. It wasn't like the one off you won and then you're done. You were able to like parlay it. We went on a tour on an 85 city tour and I got paid like extra,

more than a contestants who didn't win. Yeah. And I got paid more than them. So I got 85 cities. It was like an extra chunk of money. That's great. That's awesome. But I mean, you've also since then just never stopped working.

No, never stopped working. I'm very busy. Yeah, it's great. It's great. It's awesome. But then my special I did on Showtime. It did well in Showtime, but not that many people saw it. But then they sold it to Netflix and they did really well on Netflix.

That's great. And then you also did an HBO one. Yeah. Yeah. And I think the Netflix is the new president. He is the guy from I think Montreal Comedy Festival. Right. Right.

So that guy, when he joined Netflix, he put my special back up on Netflix. Great. That's awesome. So I have an HBO on Netflix. That's awesome. That's all. Congratulations. And I'm working on doing another one, man.

I'm going to do a hopefully I do a half hour special in Spanish. Oh, that's awesome. Do you perform in Spanish? Hell no. So what do you do? I learned how to speak English at four years old. So I only spoke fluent Spanish for four years. And now?

And now I'm not fluent in Spanish. So what? I don't know all the words. Can I ask you this? If you were going to do a half hour special, would you do would you work your act out in English and then just translate it? Yeah. That's how you do it.

Yeah. I've thought about trying to do a set in Spanish. I was doing the set from my old special because easier, but then I just want to do it all new. Yeah. But it's going to be tough, man, because I don't know what I don't even know what they like or what's going to be offensive. I did it once with Jesus Trejo. Yeah.

Yeah. And I just googled all the I just wrote down my bits and have googled translated. Oh, you had that? Oh, yeah. Did you do it? Yeah, I did it. How'd it go?

02:10:39,640 --> 02:10:40,760 I did it. It went okay. I got to look at words like hermaphrodite. Right. I'm intimidated by it. I'll be honest because I just feel like it's not the, uh, the language aspect of it, which I definitely would have to, you know, practice. But I always feel, I feel like is the way that I do stand up so in tune with American culture?

Yeah. That, that. I never thought about that. You know, like that I'll say it and they'll be like, this is fucking weird, man. Yeah. I never thought about that. Yeah. I mean, stand up is all about cultural context and knowing the boundaries and knowing it really well.

Yeah. That's why it's such a miracle when you understand that sensibility. Right. But have you ever seen a non-native English speaker do stand up? Yes. In America and you're like, how the fuck did you, there's this Japanese girl, um, Aiko, I think her name is. Anyway, she does stand up.

She's hilarious. I know her. Yeah. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, Aiko. Aiko, right? Aiko. Yeah.

She's great. And I'm like, how the fuck are you doing this? And she's, uh, came over as an adult. I'm assuming so. Yeah. That's impressive. And how do you figure out what, what, yeah. I got to do it.

Are you going to do that? They asked me, uh, hey, Susan asked me, uh, uh, what's his name? Francisco Ramos. Ramos, yeah. Oh yeah. They've, they've told me that they both do like the all Spanish shows. I got to try it. I did Spanish.

I did like, I put together like a seven minute set once for a Spanish television show and it went well. Nice. But it was all my jokes on the first pass show. So last set of punchline. Yeah. 02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,160 02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,160

02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,160 02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,160 02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,160 02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,160 02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,160 02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,160 02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,160 02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,160

02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,160 02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,160 02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,160 02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,160 02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,160 02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,160 02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,160 02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,160

02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,160 02:12:05,160 --> 02:12:05,660 Yeah. A woman sleeps with you, but won't have sex with you? I said, I met a woman last night. She said, I have sex, I'll sleep with you, but we can't have any sex. I said, all right, tomorrow morning when I have breakfast, you can eat no food. Yeah. I think your style will actually is better for translating.

Yes. Because you have very clear cut set up joke. Right. We're like, I ramble and like my joke might be here in a three minute long thing. You might be able to pull off joke, joke, joke, joke. Yeah. But I want to do the special. Like if I get the chance to do it in Spanish, I want to do it just for like American Spanish

speakers. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to go to Mexico and do it over there. You know, I'm not telling mundo style Spanish. Right. I'm ghetto Spanish. So if I could get a ghetto, ghetto Spanish people who barely speaks

English like, you know, like the people that we see all the time. Yeah. Those guys like the people who sell bootlegs to those guys. Yeah. Yeah. Because we're such a different the Latin culture. What's the show we watch? Not it's not called Sabato Domingo, but I love it.

Come on, man. When we were in Florida, in Miami, we were in the hotel room. We were sick. And go to La Flaca. Nah. Siempre Domingo. Which one? I think Domingo, it's on for like six hours.

And that guy that Sabato Gigante. Sabato Gigante. That's a long ass show, man. See, that sense of humor, like I kind of, I can kind of follow, but it doesn't translate. I forget his name. What's his name?

He's been on forever. Yeah, he's been on like eight years. No Francisco. No Francisco. Yeah. He's German. He's German, but raised in Chile. Yeah.

And by the way, that guy's worth like $400 million. Yes, I know. What's that show? And he's been doing it forever. But I'll go on, I'll turn that on, and literally feel like I don't understand Spanish. Me too. Half of his... Why is that?

Because of his accent and references. His also like, like what he's... It's from, where's the show filmed? Where is there? It's filmed in Miami, I think. But he's Chilean, but it's like, it's so ingrained in, like, you know, in the now of what's funny. And also, you know, you can joke with expressions and terms that it's,

that are kind of on the out, outlying, you know, border of the lexicon, right? So if you start saying like, even something like, you know what I'm saying? You know, that's not how you would learn English, but that's how people speak English. So he's doing the equivalent in Spanish and like making reference to, you know, maybe a soccer star's wife that everybody knows in Mexico and like... Very specific. Yeah, it's specific. Yeah.

His references you don't get. And it's also phrases that I'm like completely out of touch with, right? So, because even the slang varies, just like here in, in, in Britain, the English slang varies. And you have to remember in Spanish, the slang varies from country to country, from Mexico to Guatemala to Colombia to Peru to Argentina. All the slang is different. To some things.

Yeah, town to town, man. So I don't know, I, I watched, I've watched that guy for an hour before. And picked up on like two jokes of a hundred. I bet. And you know what's cool about that show is that they'll do like comedy sketches and then they'll do like a paternity test. Yeah. Like, so it'll be like super serious on the next segment.

Then they'll go like, it's so rad. Then they'll go like, Maria, I could do the most. To mama. Like, I'll call it Maria, to mama. And then post I cried and she hasn't seen her mom in 35 years. Yeah. They'll tell you that she left her daughter, came to the old production. She'd be wondering where her mom was.

And then this little Apache looking mom comes up, poor as hell. Like, and then the girl's like rich now, like doing well, like, okay. And I was like, going, okay, man. She's, she has to give her daughter, man. She don't want to be like this. Yeah, yeah. Showing up with Duff Dads, Warachi's here on television. It was funny, man.

Yeah. Poor the tears and he's, he's the king also at product placement. Yeah. Everything is for sale on that show. Did you do, have you done that show that I did? Um, Platanito. Yeah.

That's where I did my step. Me, I did it with Joe Diaz. You guys did that show together? Together, maybe. Listen to the video. He's talking real fast and me and Joe Diaz forwarding his fantasy. Wow. See to poppy.

Yeah, yeah. Platanito poppy. That's like him saying over and over. He's fast too. Yeah. What game did you play? Dude. And here's the other thing.

They pull you aside. They pull you aside and they go, hey, uh, this is a Latino television. Like, yeah, no, no shit. He's like, so you have to do everything bigger. Right. You have to do everything bigger, which also, by the way, plays against my instinct for comedy in English, which is to play everything smaller, right?

And you let the small stand out, right? So it's like saying something and you're not showing it, right? Like that's kind of your instinct. So, you know, they had this thing where we played this game and then they pour beer down my pants. What? Yes. And so when they're like, they go,

like the first time I reacted, the guy's like, react bigger. He's like, you know, it's for Latinos. Like you have to, so, so then I did it like joking. So they pour it down. And I went like, and they were like, that's perfect. Like keep doing that. Or they did, uh, we did a game where they bring out like a beautiful girl in a, uh, in a zip up in a, like a gold one piece zip up.

And they're like, uh, we're going to put items hidden on her body inside her zip up and you put your hands on her and you guess what the item is. And they tell you ahead of time, we're going to swap her out and put a guy there. And that's the joke is that you think you're touching a girl. But again, they were like, but overplay it, overplay it. So like you put your hand and I'm like, Oh, oh, oh, yeah. Like that stuff. And they were like, so, and then of course, when you find out,

they don't want you to go, it's a guy, you have to go like, Hey, por Dios no lo puedo creer. So it was, it was, it was like K lastima. That's what I learned in Spanish class in high school. K lastima. He's like, no one says that shit. That's funny too. It's hard to do all those stuff because you go in there telling yourself,

I'm not going to do none of this shit. Yeah. And I did one, not his show, but another show that contested. And I was there with these two, like these two girls, they were actresses, they were real pretty. They were, I guess, sitting next to me. And our heads were sticking out of this little cage. And then I guess they were going to dump stuff on top of us.

If somebody gets it wrong. Oh, so this is the, what the pretty one was both pretty. But they don't like, she wasn't expected. She's like, makeup done, looking all cute. They dumped dirt on her like room fucking dirt. And then a bunch of fertilizer and grass. And then they put a bucket of crickets down too. And I think, ah, damn, right?

The other girls that wouldn't have, they dumped like hot sauce and spaghetti sauce. That's what cheese and chips on her. They must have been so pissed about that. They're not going, okay, it can't be that bad for me. Man, they dumped like all, I started like seeing dirt. And I wearing goggles or fucking fuck this. I don't want to eat none of this shit. I closed my mouth and I looked down and there was like 30 scorpions.

What? I don't even start love for this man. Fuck. I'll do it for 300 bucks now. So, um, dude, it was live real fucking scorpions. And I don't know, like, a scorpion would have their own agenda, you know, because they said, fuck Felipe's eyes. They like that.

This fucking scorpion was talking shit to me in that fucking bucket. So as soon as they got free, they fucking like, they went at each other, man. Like it was like a button, like prison inmates getting lit out of the hole. This is the only chance to fight. So the scorpion went out and they left me alone. Oh my God. I just started screaming like you did. I went big, bro.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, they love it. And I spit one out of my mouth. You scorpions. Fucking crazy. I guess the ones you eat, I guess. I don't know.

What fucking show is this again? Platanito. No, I didn't see it on TV. Yeah, they did it to him. That's brutal, though. Yeah. Dude, I didn't realize I got that wrong. Sometimes they blindfold you and they slap you with a burrito and you're gonna guess what type it is.

But that seems funnier, like lighthearted. Yeah, yeah. Not putting scorpions on poor guy's head. And the crickets. Christ. The spaghetti sauce. You could sue them for something like that. It's pretty crazy.

It's nutty. Did they have to sign something before you did that? I didn't know that was coming, man. And they've been asking me back. I said, oh, listen, man, because I don't want to get slept by no fish. I don't want to put it. I don't want to put my face in an aquarium full of lobsters. No way, man.

And they're like, play it up. You're like, I got it. Yeah, man. I don't want to be thrown at me. Unreal. Fuck that. Show me. What mosquitoes?

Are you OK with mosquitoes, caterpillars? Somebody asked here, they said, can Tom point out where this guy went wrong? What should he have done differently? How would Tom go about this? Let me show you what this is, Gene. Maybe you have an opinion on this too. OK. Believe me.

A shocking case of a customer behaving badly at a fast food restaurant. New West police are searching for a suspect who got way out of hand, throwing a drink, allegedly assaulting a customer, and damaging retail equipment. Apparently. OK. Over a frozen beverage. Is that you, Tommy?

It doesn't. You shove your beer? It's not me. I have very strict guidelines for my drinks, you know, at coffee shops. This guy, I think, went. The man in pink is about to lose it. Words are exchanged, fingers are pointed, and that glass that just got cleaned is about to get really dirty.

This September 6th, fast food restaurant assault appears to have been sparked by Tim Horton's ice cap. I guess the order was wrong. It was incorrect. Coffee blended drink all over the counter. This irate individual begins kicking and yelling, stopping briefly to check his phone, before moving offscreen to let off even more steam.

He reportedly punched and kicked somebody who tried to intervene after he was insulting and degrading the staff. Damn. Look at this guy. He's cute. Yeah. He's got it together. He looks like he's got PCP, though.

It works out. Are those PCP eyes? Yeah, man. Those steroids eyes. They do look like a lot of dreaded angels eyes. The 20-something, 5'6 man wasn't done yet. Computer, printer, and gift cards go flying. Oh, the gift card.

It's no wonder police want to ID him. To us, it's concerning that somebody could become this irate and this upset over an incorrect order. Over an incorrect order. I think it makes a lot of sense. Tim Horton's employees have had to deal with a lot lately. In May, a woman defecated and tossed the mess inside a Langley Tim Horton's. And the newest Minster Man eventually took off,

leaving one heck of a mess. You know what they say about the customer. Those are lazy employees. He just told her, lazy. St. John Alexander's CTV News, Vancouver. What's that? They look lazy. That lady right there cleaning that wall.

Like, like, what the hell is she doing? Yeah, no sense of urgency. She should be doing something now. She should be filling it up with food or something. Right. They're lazy. Like, I'm pretty sure this guy's probably tired of her lazy ass. There you go.

He probably goes in there all the time. They keep fucking it up. Yeah. And they have a personal gripe with him, man. I mean, he went to go too far, but I can see it. They look like lazy employees. Thank you. I tend to agree with you.

I mean, it's like, I've asked for extra ice every time. Dude, you're going to come from Burger King, and you get your soda, like, for ice. I hate that shit. Like, he's like, he just went like this. You could feel it swishing in there. He could just tell how lazy he was to just grab it. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

He just tapped it. I do that thing where they go like, they're kind of dicks about it sometimes where you go, I always ask for extra ice in my iced coffee. So they'll either put five cubes in where I go, hey, man, is this extra ice? And they're like, yeah. I'm like, okay.

Or the person goes, oh, you want extra ice? Okay. And they pack it so full of ice that you can't put a straw in there. It's rude. So I have to actually remove some. And they're like, I thought you wanted extra ice. I'm like, you know exactly what I'm fucking asking for. I'm asking for two scoops of ice.

It's a little extra ice. Anyways, I could totally see you. That's you, dude. You go to Tim Hortons. I think they should find that guy to give him whatever the highest award is you give to a citizen. No, no, no. Thanks for straightening out these people at Tim Hortons.

Sometimes, you know, like if you're like at a restaurant, and you take it on the waiter, well, it's not really his fault because he was going to grab the food from the loser ass cook. Right. Right. Right. So you really can't take it on the waiter. But right here, the lady standing right next to the,

she probably made a drink herself. You know, she's responsible for that drink. True. No, I always side with the employees. I've had these shitty jobs. I would never do that to an employee because I worked there. I had a new tire, man.

I take care of a lot of people. So have I. I used to work at a restaurant, and this guy kept yelling that the hot dog was undercooked, overcooked, undercooked. And then I saw the hot dog cook actually kicking the hot dog, playing soccer with it with the other cook. What?

And then he picked it up. No. And they put it back on the grill. And then they got, they let it burn. And they gave it back to the guy. And that guy gave him a five dollar tip for having an extra burn. But they were kicking the hot dog on the floor earlier.

See, I've never actually witnessed that kind of, you know, revenge. I don't know. I've never done it. It's fucked up. I've never done it. I, you know. I've shortchanged people,

but I've never done that stuff like that. I've kept extra change. Like if I get extra change, I'm like, fuck yeah, dude. That's your problem. That's a YP, not an MP. But that was a mistake. That one time I gave this guy less money,

and I'm looking at his 20. And I said, wow. He took it. What are you looking at? I'm trying to find the, I have to pee really bad. Excuse me. I'm trying to find the,

all right, we've got to get him out of here soon. I know he's got to go. Oh, you got to go? Yeah. He's got a big thing today. Oh, you do? Okay. Yeah.

Okay. All right. Oh yeah. Here, what happened? I want to follow up on, hey Julia. Hey. Okay. All right.

For one second. All right. I'm just going to show her one last thing and we'll get you out of here. I know you got to go. But, oh, remind for this weekend. Did you already say it? Oh yeah.

I'm going to be at the, the Call Hall Center in Houston, Texas, this Saturday and Friday, I'll be in the majestic theater in Dallas, in Dallas, Texas. Next week, I'll be at the Tampa Improv. Come check that out. Also, I'm coming into a legal funny bone,

but I don't know what month it is. But you can check out PhilippianWorld.com, my first time there. And I'm coming to Seattle. At the Moor. The Moor Theater. And I'm coming to Denver for New Year's Eve. At the Parano.

Yeah. I'm going to get there early. Hang out. You know Smokepot, huh? Yeah, I smoke pot. I didn't know that. I thought, I thought, I thought you were the one that smoke, you said you didn't smoke PCP.

I thought you were the one that smoked PCP with Tracy Morgan at that, Tracy Morgan PCP story. No, that's Bert's story. Oh, okay. Yeah. Because I was, I did, because I remember, I didn't know that, because I know that Jay Moor was telling that story.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was their thing. That was their thing. Yeah, yeah. But I thought it was you. That was the time I thought it was you. No, that was him. No, that was him.

I was like, no, I can't picture Tom's work. Tom's a girl doing PCP or actually having a conversation with Tracy Morgan for longer than an hour. Dude, but your story, you said about Bruce Bruce? Yeah. On point. I worked with Bruce Bruce and Mike Epps. Yeah.

And he was cool, huh? Super cool. Hey, like, and like, if Bruce Bruce makes fun of somebody who makes fun of them, and off stage too, huh, real smooth, like, oh yeah. But we were in no shoes for a man. One time this lady was wearing like some flat shoes, and then he looked at me and goes,

Philippine, look at that lady's shoes. Her shoes and her pants were filled with heights. He's so funny. He's a total natural. So, you know, funny too. Like, I watch a lot of Netflix, but I don't like to watch the whole thing because I don't want to get influenced by the comic I'm watching.

So I watch it in 10 minutes. Yeah. And if it's 12 hot, it's hot. Like yours is hot, and yours too. I'm not just saying because I'm here, but I did watch them. Oh, awesome. And I actually shared yours. I said, it goes from another immigrant with a special.

Yeah. And now, but you know, Nobel Crawford? Yeah. Oh my God. His first 12 minutes are fucking hilarious. Is it on Netflix? Yeah. I showed it to my son, my stepson.

He's 14. He died. And then he went to go show it to his stepbrother. He does this bit about how they show, like, people on President Reinhardt who never, sometimes they show you shit, they never see me for their lives. So he goes long, and he does like every national night.

But it's funny, man. He's so funny. We were just watching him last night. He's like, yes. He's on Better Call Saul. He's great on that. Yeah. He's so skinny now.

He lost a lot of weight. Yeah, and especially, he's huge. He's like, there we go. Yeah. He's great. He's so funny. OK, so to set it up, just so you have reference for this, this is the guy.

So the story is that a guy met a girl. Maybe the night before. OK, and the girl is like... It's so painful. I know, the girl's like 18, 19 in college, and this guy's obviously much older. And she wakes up to this video on her phone. This guy sent her this video the next day.

Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe. Just wanted to say hi. Wish you a great day. Tell you that meeting you yesterday and getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life. He's in her house.

You're so beautiful. No. I wish I'd be even creamier. No, this guy just... I said, how did you get a message? That's hilarious. In her house. This guy just met this girl who was like 20 years younger

than him, at least. And then, you know, it was one of those things where she probably like... We're going to find out the details, but like met at a bar, somehow probably everyone was drinking, and then he fucking, instead of texting maybe like, nice meeting you, made a video.

I know. It's so embarrassing. And it goes on and on. He's like, you'll fuck. I love you like you've never been loved before. Cherish you. I'll make you... This guy should be a 90 day fiance.

At least. This is me. But it's like, it's cringy, right? You're like, dude. It's bad. Yeah. It's bad. So anyways, we got this message today.

Because we've been playing this video. It's like, rich boss. Yeah, hilarious. So somebody said, first of all, huge congrats on the new baby. My boyfriend and I are long time listeners, living in San Diego. I was listening to your mom's house to the day.

I almost spit out the water I was drinking when you started to play, other than go T Joe's full throttle monologue to Julia. A video during which, Jew Jork Titty's man... Full throttle. That's right. He says that.

...professes his love for his one and only Julia with multiple shots of his many ceiling fans in the background. I've had this exact video saved and favorited in my phone for two years. Oh my God. It was sent to Julia the morning after she and Joe met briefly at a bar one night in New York City.

Naturally upon receiving it, Julia sent the video to everyone she knows, including my best friend who I was living with at this time. I have laughed for hours and hours over this video, as it is quite honestly one of the most unreal things I've ever witnessed a grown man do after knowing someone for less than 24 hours. After getting over the excitement

that my own world just collided with the world of your mom's house, I knew what I had to do. There is a follow up video. Much to Julia's surprise, after she did not respond to Joe's initial video, he sent another. I have attached it in this email.

He really does seem like a decent guy, but I do believe the follow up video was a mistake. Piss on me and beat me, Kelsey. Hey, Kelsey, come see me in San Diego. I added a second show. House of Blues, November 24. Here's the real story. So, okay, here's the real story of how they,

the good morning. Julia's gym requires you to sign your name before going tanning. Joe saw her going to sign in. He then looked at her name when she went into the tanning room. On the way out, he followed her out, yelling Julia, wait.

She stopped thinking she may know him. He then started hitting on her and Julia explained she was attempting to get back with her ex. Joe then called himself from her phone and the next morning he sent the video. They never dated, never seen each other since that day. No Uber story, no bar story.

How did he get her phone? That part doesn't make this story. So that's what somebody's saying. But anyways, here is the follow-up video. Oh Christ. Just want to say good morning, Julia. My flower, my precious, my soon-to-be, my everything. Have a great day, love.

That's it. That's crazy as fuck, though. I don't like that. I don't like when people do videos when they're driving. It's very dangerous, very dangerous. That's what stands out to you? Yeah, it's not good.

That's what's going to hit me. Wow. What do you think? Have you ever done a video like that when you were younger, a younger man? No. You never did anything super embarrassing when you were like so in line.

I think I saw a stripper on the way to a basketball party and I left my comedy card in her car. Yeah. I'm a performer too. I'm going to do a show here. You can do a show there. Here we go. We really are aligned, us and strippers.

No, we are. We're just as damaged, if not worse than strippers. Damn, dude. Oh, fuck. Open up your heart to me in your arms. To me. Let's go full throttle. You sound like George Yves Cousin.

What's his name? From North Bergen, George. Let's go full throttle. Full throttle. Full throttle. What is that? Full throttle? Yeah.

He's trying to say throttle. I don't know. Full throttle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Got that. Full throttle.

What can you do when someone's telling you a video like that? Yeah. You call cops or? You could. But I think she's like, he's talking basically. That shit is so funny. She called the cops.

You should. He's really, he's really. I mean, here's the thing. Every guy knows. Every guy has done a mini version of this. In other words, you say something that you are embarrassed by. You know, maybe you send a text, maybe it's something in person. But the degree to which he went is that's the part that's crazy.

To go that deep on a video, on a video too. So you're like, oh, I can just watch this over and over. Oh, it's, it's so incriminating. It's like sending your dick. It makes me shiver inside to watch. I'm like, damn it. Because I feel that humiliation. I do too.

It's hard for me to watch. It hurts inside. Because I've felt that way for people too, you know. I've left a voicemail. Because as a comedian, you're watching the whole thing going. Yeah, this whole thing is just bombing. It's bombing. Exactly.

That's exactly. Bombing hearts. Exactly. But it's still doing it. Yeah. That's the comments that we've been doing the same open life for 20 years. At the annexed ice house on Saturdays. Yeah, I know.

And then like, gee. Yeah, you should not. Shouldn't do it. And he keeps sending us videos. I know. But he'll keep sending them, right? So he gets thrown in jail, I guess. Probably.

This is the kind of guy that would. He would actually. I'm lifting our love together. I think he's delusional enough. Where if she goes, uh, the thing is, I just, um, I'm, I'm just, I don't want to date you. And I'm saying he would be like, he'd be like, you know what? Doesn't matter who you're seeing right now. Yeah.

Because the love that I have for you is unparalleled. Yeah. And she would be like, no, I just don't want to see you. And he's like, I'll wait for you. That's sad. I wonder if he sends one for every holiday. Like he wears like a Santa Claus hat. Merry Christmas.

Yo, full throttle. Ho, ho, ho. Trottle? And let me tell you, I'm not looking for no hoes. You're probably ho, ho. Merry Christmas, Julia. Merry Christmas. His mother's there.

You could be my mommy. He's so fucked up. There's, I mean, I've had a few. Gobble, gobble. Thanksgiving. Right? I've had a few jokes. What was his name, Joey?

Yeah. I've had a few of these guys and call it. This is before the video era. They don't take no for an answer. You have to be so explicit over and over and over. Like you have to be really, like Julia, she needs to just say no very loudly. I think she probably never responded.

Or have a male friend be like, if you fucking do this again, I'm going to break your legs. Like you don't, he doesn't love you the way I love you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's, he's real crazy. Yeah, these guys don't take no.

Look, we, he's got, he's got, he's got. Oh, go, go, go. So let me, let me wrap this up. Go see Philippe this weekend in Houston and Dallas. Dallas. Yeah. Philippe world.com for tickets. Philippe's world.com for tickets.

And they've got Tampa improv coming up. And you're also adding one other place you said. Denver, Denver. Oh, Paramount Theater. Paramount Theater News. Okay. Oh, shit. Check out my podcast.

What's up, fool? What's up, fool? What's up, fool? Thanks a lot for coming, buddy. Thanks for having me, fool. So good. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Closing song is come dump and try it out by sons of dad mouth. All right, guys. We'll see you next week. All right. Fuck me. Pissed out. You beat me. I'm out.

You see me when I come over today and try it out. Try it out, man. This is my building. Try it out. I'm gonna fuck a piece of me. Try it out. Seriously. It's probably only this fuck, man.

I'm looking for hardcore guys. I mean, I want to do it. And I want to deliver it. I'm a hot fuck by trash. Come dump. Let's fuck. Fuck. Fuck you.

Fuck. This is my building man. This is my building. This is my building. This is my building. Fuck. This is the right work, man. This is the fuck.

This is the right work, man. This is the right work, man. This is the right one, man. Right? Shit, guys. Start it off. Start it off. Start it off, all right now.

B R N O U M M M M S A N G Right huh. Rise up to the fuck. Rise up, rise up. Work hard, rise up to the fuck. W R N O U M M H M E �ise

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