Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 470-Chad Daniels-Your Mom's House Podcast with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2018

Comedy isn't supposed to be sexy. Try telling that to this weeks guest. Chad Daniels isn't just one of the best comedians on the planet, he's extremely handsome and a master of Road Beave. Just ask the women of Asia, where Chad smashed for a week straight a few years back when he was filming I Need You To Kill, the documentary he appeared in with Tom and Pete Lee.  This week we feature more deeply troubled people. Are they high? Not sure. Are they mentally stable? Doesn't appear so. Plus you the listener writes in about bum kisses, ball tugs, grandma's too old for the toilet and so much more.  More psycho test questions too - wish Jada Pinkett would take it!

here it is thank you uh... landon believe landon sent in this instrumental we always love receiving your instrumentals and your original songs honestly it's been one of the highlights for me

of doing the show for years i love playing the songs i love playing instrumentals uh... here's what's going on the rest of this month i only have two shows left this month uh... two big shows they are going to be in frezno and bakersfield california a uh... they are

there's about a hundred tickets left in bakersfield quite a few more available in frezmo uh... that's october twenty six and twenty seven go to tomscrew dot com tour page for that but next month uh... the only shows left with tickets are uh... fort meyers part-mires november first the next day i'm in jacksonville florida at the florida theater and there are

seventy tickets left uh... orlando is all sold out augusta has about a hundred tickets left that's november fourth uh... the rest of november i'm in montclair there's only tickets available for the wednesday show and in philhar up delphi i'm doing four shows at the mariam theater the only show available with tickets is friday late show uh... from there you can go to tomscrew dot com

slash tour look at the twenty nineteen first half of the year dates we just added uh... second shows in houston and san francisco those are both in january the added second shows the first shows are sold out uh... second shows have been added in the number of other cities in the a go

dallas medford dc chicago tampa alcohoma city were about to announce two more coming up but uh... get on it while you can and i thank you so so much for your support on that very exciting to have a tour kickoff like that gene i too will be touring in twenty nineteen i'm going to be announcing

those dates very soon here but first catch my new netflix special the degenerates is going to air on netflix starting air stream i don't know i'm five hundred years old uh... october thirtieth it's going to start streaming on netflix check that out your your homie joey dias is on there as well as big jay ochre say we got yamanica saunders sanders

uh... i can't remember the other wonderful girls lesa trager lesa trager very hilarious uh... and that's it check it out we filmed in vegas so before i start touring i'm gonna run this our locally here in los angeles in the very small you who room at flip hares comedy club there's really just a handful of tickets i like to do these small shows before i go out

so that's going to be on october twenty first that's this sunday flappers in the room and then october twenty eight the following sunday in the u-room get your tickets christina p online san diego november twenty fourth i've added a late show at the house of bruise come see me get out of the house during thanksgiving philhar abdelphia second show added december seventh get your tickets to

the late show as well as the late show grammarsy theater in jew dork titties on the eighth of december and i'm going to be announcing twenty nineteen dates very soon christina p online thank you god bless all right there it is try it out i like it gene i like it jeans thank you guys so much uh...

and i don't like it thing to the show thank you for supporting our live shows supporting our march go to merge method dot com slash tom segura there's a bunch of new stuff we have exciting holiday stuff that's coming out in a couple weeks

i believe i should probably check to see if the new uh... the new hat is up there let's go home it is it's there it's the gene beanie look yeah i know i saw it today it's just models so awesome remember the uh... the gene hat or the gene that buddy my favorite hoodie so this is our winner at our beanie uh...

that's so fun i love it i love it i love a good beanie i know you know i love what you know and he can brought us to the school yet and i like that one i'm going to ask that they send us some of these so we can wear them yeah it's the best for winter times it's cold outside i know it's under seventy here put it on your beanie

barely keeping it together here in los angeles i actually love those cool windy mornings windy my mother used to say is crispy outside it's crispy i don't think it's crispy mom uh...

you ready to do this oh my god i'm so so much to share we have so much to share let's get going here we go and pull your jeans up she blocked my truck on the road oh my god you don't have a lot of sex

so you get mercy you don't take it down to prostitutes you don't even do it except for four times this is big time oh is randy don't bring anyone loving to this welcome

welcome to your mom's house witton segura and christina christina welcome to your mom's house uh... it's here another episode of your mom's house pomp casts

so you know what to do drop your jeans and did you just come up with that how long did it take you to think of that one just in a second here that's really good Tom thanks do you think this lady is not well you know what's really crazy

when you see somebody like her who looks like she's on the edge of complete breakdown saying absolute nonsense to this poor truck driver that look on her face is terrifying sure it's that

she's driving right how do these people drive now they have licenses they walk among us like normal people i know i think about that all the time so do i this show has informed my opinion of the masses so much more

i know that people like this i mean god bless her i'm not trying to i mean you know i don't want to say that like it's hilarious that she's

super sick sure but that i just say that my mom was crazy and it provided a lot of entertainment like we were saying before yeah she'd be like it's cold outside

it's crispy i have a lot of crazy i have a lot of crazy in my family yes but what i'm saying is that but sometimes i think about how many people out there

and especially on the road oh yeah are really sick nuts and like shouldn't be driving nuts my dad used to say it all the time everybody is crazy around drugs it's pretty accurate

and now i'm like i think he's right i think one of the things you'll end up telling our boys a lot all of like the two of us yeah is like you're gonna navigate a world of crazy

absolutely just be prepared for unreasonable people out there all the time that's what there's a lot of out there i prepare him constantly now you're

or hopefully the boys are but like a lot of times if you're not crazy you're expecting not or you're expecting crazy people to be able to reason with you that's right

and that's the big that's right that's my biggest flaw that's can i tell you something it took me thirty six years as an adult and then ten years of therapy

to realize that you can't reason with crazy mm-hmm so that's a huge life lesson it is a huge life lesson that's i'm almost 40 and that's something that i've

recently come to terms with right that you can't rationalize with totally fucking crazy people no but you can have a good time watching them

you can have a fun podcast about them and you know like i like i said my mother i say it again and for those of you just tuning in

my mother was mentally ill she was a borderline personality disorder she had schizophrenia later in life i got an ass load of crazy growing up

so hey man don't fucking email me tell me how insensitive i am making fun of this shit because i'm entitled to do that okay that's true now her point about truckers

being not so sexed up i don't know much about i mean listen i know a lot of people who drive trucks listen to our show bless them yeah thanks for listening

i love them now my understanding is truckers are the nastiest i mean they have a nasty reputation i would say there's probably some really good wholesome truckers out there

of course family truckers but they are they do have a rep for you know getting lizard lots right lizard lots

and you know being the dirty guys but i think some of them are probably very decent people of course i'd say most are sure

things like you hear about well you have a joke in your act about going to a certain place video place and there's holes and walls yeah yeah

that's primarily for what i understand like truckers yeah i mean that was on a highway in carolina and yeah out of the way yeah it probably was

a frequented by some truckers yeah well i'd like to hear what locals were welcome i mean they didn't have a policy i mean she

she said some real crazy shit here to this guy sure let's hear it and she says a lot more so you get an idea oh boy that was weird

let's see what happens she cornered this guy look she blocked my truck in the road truck drivers you don't have a lot of sex so you get mercy

you don't take it down into prostitutes what you don't even do it except for four times she's having like a vision right now

yeah yeah four times but that's not a lot it's not a lot but how did she know it was four she knows she sees the

Jesus Christ is coming yeah move your truck out of the way God said move your truck to the side of the road no you listen to the Holy Spirit he's greater than Jesus

no he's not yeah i wonder if because my mom too went towards the end of her life got into Jesus and the Bible yeah like i when we went through her stuff

there's a lot of like underlining highlighting the Bible and like she'd have these religious cards kind of stashed everywhere like i guess that seems like a pretty common

it happens a lot it happens a lot when you know you're gonna die nutty yeah also just like i have a like an atheist relative

yeah who when he got sick and he was very much like not into religion and everybody around because he knew

he was gonna die start talking to you like he knew he knew he was gonna die right they're like just get back on the Jesus time to start hedging the bell

and then he was like ah alright he started to to pray and stuff yeah that's mean you know makes sense though

you may as well try like if it's if all that stuff's true yeah means we'll be on the right side of it yeah makes sense

yeah i mean i i understand why somebody who they're like you're about to die do you want to just go ahead and ask jc if he'll take fuck

then you probably go like yeah alright i should believe in Jesus no there was that famous writer who was an atheist diagnosed and you know

told he was terminal and he did yeah Carl Sagan no no no he was a scientist i'm talking about this writer a writer who's the most famous

i can't i'm i'm drawing a blank on him right now and they were like how about now you know you're gonna die he was like nah

yeah he still stayed on he was like go fuck yourself yeah so was Carl Sagan on his deathbed

they go are you do you not believe in God the atheist all the way homie all the way he did the double bird double birds yeah

i gave him the double bird yeah he was like look at that shit homie yeah going to prison going to

hell i respect it i respect the shit out of being like no i'm not buying it i'm not you know i used to buy it

i bought it as a kid and the older i get the less i believe it especially since having children of my own where i'm like there's nothing out there it is lawless it is a ruthless

world of nature it is a jungle yeah you just gotta get by i think the big thing about religion is that it's very comforting to people

sure is which i you know you can't criticize that if it makes you feel sure is there's meaning and gives you comfort and like i get it

but but yeah can i tell you what really made me think about yeah how there's no god is watching that space movie with ryan gosseling what a good movie that was

what's it called it's called ryan gosseling ryan gosseling shouldn't wear a shirt it's called why did the fuck did they put him in a fucking astronaut outfit that's why i go see ryan gosseling

so he's shirtless at some point and he wasn't even shirtless he looked like a regular guy so upsetting it's called first man first man to shit and on the moon

well that's one of the big flaws we went to see first man by the way i was ready to leave what a few minutes in i'm serious he's so stupid

i'm serious i know he did you looked over me it was like an hour in and i was like alright it's all set up i get it let's go

i know it's gonna happen as i said i know it's gonna happen i know he's gonna land on the moon i know he's gonna walk on the moon i know i've seen it

boring boring is exactly right and well how do you know there didn't find aliens that we didn't hear about before that wouldn't be a movie

how do you know that the MTV flag wasn't there it's movies this is a big thing movies about things you already know about that's tough

i know it is tougher like that's fucking boring newspaper one we saw oh my god that was terrible with what's her name the one i love you know

yeah she's a fan everyone's a good actor meryl street that's what kept me from falling asleep was at least they had good actors in it the post

what a boring fucking movie that was let me guess how many awards are that piece i mean it's directed by spielberg spielberg you know it hit the blueprint

of movie making it was a good movie solid well it's a solid movie in that it follows here's the setup here's the you know the controversy

here's the resolution like you but you you see every scene coming you see every line coming i mean there's no surprise in that movie

which is what makes movies fucking boring you know what the story is and we all know what happened with what's his name Lance Armstrong when he went to the moon

yeah man Lance landed there on his bike and then he gets off and he's like so what if I cheated and he puts a flag in the moon and everybody knows

yeah everybody knows what whatever here's the things that I find very upsetting about the movie Ryan Gosling wears a shirt

he wears a shirt he fucking they show him peeing on the space craft which is cool finally we got to see how they urinate and he pisses

and he shuts and he's like a pissed and then and it was brown and he goes oh there's so much nitrogen in the air movie and I was like

oh that makes sense sure sure no shitting right and it's like okay these guys are up in space for four days

to get to the moon they're not going to take a dump the whole time okay that's upsetting well I'm serious like I know we joke about it on the show I'm serious

I'm serious too how do astronauts shit in space they don't tell you it's interesting also also they don't show the guys jacking off at all

or even talking about it or like you know they're they're thinking about it of course there's no porn of course they're like

what do you need when you're up there obviously that'd be like a top three list you know if they'd probably be like we need fluids to drink

we need food I want music I want to watch some porn I would rearrange that list if you were going into space first is porn then food then

liquids I don't know if that's the order but I just feel like toilet it's very misleading once again Hollywood misleads us

into thinking that there's no jacking off going on in any facet of life for any type of character right there's no pooping going on ever

I mean it's like well it's two two guys but this is why people are not going to the movies anymore two guys alone in space and nobody's jerking off

yeah I know I don't buy it I think they're both like they're off and then you're like I'll jerk you off and then they watch they come float around

cause there's no gravity right kneeling Buzz like that so stupid Buzz is a dick in the movie I liked Buzz I actually wanted to hear

him talk more he was an asshole yeah I know it's interesting it's interesting but here's my point is I saw that and here's the amazing

part about the moon landing which you don't think about as a kid when you hear about it yeah and when you think about the level of technology that existed in the 1960s

we barely had toasters refrigerators blenders all that shit was new they didn't even have a you didn't even have a fucking cell phone and these dudes

it's all dudes put dudes on the moon and you know how many men died to get there which is pretty crazy that's the part that I actually learned something in the movie I didn't know that

cause I assumed obviously you know there's a whole program going on for years to lead up to this right I didn't realize how many people died

no and how people didn't like the space program because of it yeah they even had tested it a fire in one of the

spacecraft before it even launched like a test day sucked and the three guys died before it even took off cause the fire just

spoiled our well it's not in its history but that's when you realize stuff like there's no god I mean there's no god but here

you see him take steps on the moon it feels like you're doing it which is so amazing with this movie guys go and see it it's just amazing

when they finally show him taking his first steps and you feel like you're doing it the way that it's shot it's just brilliant yeah alright well

Damien Chazelle Scott or Josh Singer and James Hansen the director and the writers here's the question

everybody has for you guys where's the come where is the come this movie is missing a big portion of interest from us I'm being serious though when they have to brown

yeah cause it was there like a flap in the back like old timey pajamas you know like the poop the poop shoot flat like you know in cartoon

pajamas is that how they do it well babe we don't know we don't know cause these guys decided to get lazy and not tell us anything so

yeah and again I'm bummed that Ryan Gosling kind of looked like a regular guy like they didn't light him all nice they did

he looked like a totally normal dude yeah I was upsetting no body shots no none I was thinking cause what I heard before

we went to the movie was that there was a scene where he was on a couch on all fours and then he took his wife's head and he put it behind and

forced her to you know a disgrunt a service from behind yeah and I was like that'll be a cool scene I heard that too

that that's how he was chosen for the space program do you think Ava Mendez eats his scrum it's Ryan Gosling she nasty you think so I think she nasty as hell

why do you think she's so nasty they got two kids too I think they do she just looks kind of nasty oh my gosh does she does nasty things yeah

really she'd look like she'd down I don't know you tell me you're the one that bangs hoes who's always like Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling I'd lick his butthole I would what I'm saying do you think that she does if yeah if he's as hairless as I think he is

and he looks really clean he just looks like he smells nice all the time I would I would do it you know how Robin Wright Penn has that air of her

that she's really clean and that her butthole is it Robin Wright Penn still or just Robin Wright probably just Robin Wright and she looks like

her butthole doesn't smell either no house of farts house of farts with no Kevin Spacey to kill him dummy yeah here goes your career

shit bag man savage well that's the price you pay that's the price you pay for being over touching dudes yeah speaking of

touching dudes there's no segue for that but yeah well we have a lot of updates in the Segura household should we finish this clip first

oh I didn't know it was not finished I just want to get to our updates before our guest comes okay it's real quick what is it he's making okay

y'all take off yes y'all I don't you're a fallen angel we're just that's why you are trouble in school you're dyslexic just a section of

Robin to Kelly now you lied in Segura dyslexic so you could be in the land use of body class all the liars and they're part of the lake of fire but if you ever didn't like the smell of sulfur

and you thought that senors tasted like eggs it's because you ate the eggs wow you know what kind of reminds me of Kanye yeah

kind of sounds like him when he gives these speeches now he's really off of his lithium ring yeah well he said he stopped taking his medication oh well there you go yeah

she definitely did too yeah that's the problem my mom refused to take stuff too and that's when things head south very quickly yeah it just he's gone

oh there's a second place oh boy I thought they were going to spell it out like electric company she's spell checking her song I said f my life oh man yeah

yeah that is really unfortunate speaking of scrum here's a message we got hey tim and crystal I have been with my girlfriend for just over eight months now at one month I asked her what her favorite thing

in the bedroom was and she said getting her scrum licked as an ass eating virgin I was excited to try it out and we both love it fast forward a week she asked me in the shower if I would like to have my scrum licked

this was a huge curveball as I was not prepared for an an instantly declined out of politeness because as a man I don't have the prettiest asshole every day I was I pondered

what it could possibly feel like if she likes it so much then why wouldn't I two one two months went by of me thinking about it just about every day I finally asked her to dive in while we were showering

it truly changed my life hands down the best feeling ever nine months in our relationship is stronger than ever and I really believe it is because of ass eating the fact that crystal has not eaten Tim's ass

saddens me and I cannot stand listening to her decline it every time it's brought up a couple days ago I asked her the FGT RTD question and she would not turn me in

I believe her answer is a direct correlation to eating my ass so Timmy if you want to change crystal's answer you have to start with her eating your ass thanks from Canada's

national capital really interesting we learned that Ottawa yeah well that's interesting okay I mean it's a theory

I just think gotta get in there they're nasty asshole yeah somebody asked a couple episodes back there's an email a few episodes back

you talked about do to like to have their balls squeezed during sex and wondering exactly what the turn on was well I am one of those guys my wife knows that I like it when she grabs my sack

and just gradually squeezes harder and harder until I can't take it anymore part of it is pleasure and pain and the other part of it what makes it a huge turn on is just that this person who is about 75 pounds lighter

than me is completely controlling me I will literally do anything she asked me to do because my balls are completely at her mercy for some reason that gets me going like nothing else

my wife who probably was super confused the first time I took her hand and squeezed it down on my nuts now realizes what power she has and is also totally into it unrelated note she is also not a ride or die wife

like casually murdered a barista who returned my swollen ball ass into the police without second thought that's Nate from Milwaukee good Nate that's nice well I'm glad that

that does shed some light on the experience here that makes sense it's kind of a power thing and he likes the vulnerability of it makes sense yeah so you're saying you want me

to go to the police tonight I okay yeah that's what I'm saying sure yeah

who's that there you go it's time for that yep uh oh jeans all right here we go

oh gosh you know what I did sorry talk for a second I gotta find okay I'll talk for a second I did the wrong thing

I'm very much looking forward to this unplanned thing that you told me will happen tonight now okay um so we've had a really interesting couple of days

oh really months with this dog oh stop it I hate that dog right now I love her again but I fucking hate her I know this dog

has pretty much once a month had diarrhea but tell them the neatest part about the kind and what time it happens

yeah it's always between like two and four in the morning yeah never any other time no one the neatest part is that you have the ability

to sleep through everything yeah I do you sleep through babies crying but it's not selective dogs having diarrhea sleep

you can't get mad I know but I'm the one that has to deal with the goddamn dog well here's a cool thing that happened the other day kills me

so a lot of times the older boy who's two and a half he'll pop up in the middle of the night stand in his crib and just like

yell or cry you know I assume he's had a nightmare or he's just awake you know found himself awake

and wants to be comforted mm-hmm so typically I go downstairs at that time and it'll be anywhere from 1130 at night

to five o'clock in the morning it's just whenever it's not every night but it's you know it's semi-regular it's a very eventful evening

so the other night it's about five in the morning and he starts screaming and I hear him on the monitor and so I sit up oh my god damn

cause I was in a deep sleep I know alright I go downstairs and I like how you go like I know

always I like how you're upset that I sleep I'm so upset that you get to sleep such a selfish person I've slept in a year but anyways

I go down there I pick him up I rock him you know I calm him he gets relaxed in ten seconds so relaxed and then

I just stay with him for a few minutes I'm like alright buddy we gotta go back to sleep and he's like okay put him back in walk upstairs

and you know you're more awake than you want to be cause it's like five now and I'm like fuck gotta go back to sleep

and as I'm walking I walk in the bedroom I'm walking to the bathroom cause I'm gonna brush my teeth and then I go back to bed

yeah as I'm walking in there I smell I'm like there is shit in this room right now so you go like fuck

you're in bed you're like how's Alice I'm like there's shit in the room right now you're like what

and I go turn on the light you turn the light on the dog which is so so odd it's horrible had shit

on the like put her ass up to the edge now for a long time our dog's shit or shit slept

with us in bed but during the pregnancy it was like so disruptive to your sleep yeah that we just we have

dog beds and they're trained so they like it in there it's not we're not hurting anything

so the dog though this is so odd you had actually heard her moving around so here's the thing I was up at 2 a.m. pumping my tits

so 3 a.m. what she does is she just kind of sniffs she'll be like like she'll breathe a little weirdly and she'll kind of like

like make like a yawning stress yawn sound and that's how I know it's time to let her out she doesn't actually never pause at the crate so it's very subtle

sounds that if I don't hear them it can be fucking really bad so I heard the sounds at 3 in the morning I walk over to her and I'm like

do you want to go potty girl do you want to go potty and she looked at me like bitch why'd you wake me up I did not want to go potty so then I thought great went back to sleep

heard Ellis pop up and then you came back and she fucking shit she stuck her ass like you said and not just any shit this is the neat part

it is dog diarrhea so it's liquid mushy shit and she did it in two corners of the crate and the other dog is like

she's like what bitch what the fuck you can tell he's backed up yeah he's like nah yeah when I open the door

he hops out like over her shit so then we like again at this point it's like 5.15 in the morning we get

gloves I got the whole setup latex gloves garbage bags sprays fucking sprays it's fucking horrible wipes

and so we're cleaning up trash bags diarrhea shit at 5.15 in the morning so I wrap up the dog bed that's covered in shit throw it in the garbage bag

trash we finally get like the shit in a bag and as I'm tying it like alright now let's go back to bed

the fucking smoke alarm smoke detector goes off downstairs yeah so I run downstairs and I'm like trying to find which smoke detector is going off

it's in our older boys room oh my god so I open the door and it smells it smells like like burning rubber burning rubber it smells smoky

yeah and so I'm like oh shit and before I mean I grab him and before I even turn around you're already like

hell yeah you're like yeah at the house right now dude within a couple minutes firefighter you know what I said I called the fire department

and I was like get over here right now I got two babies in this house something's on fire hurry up and I've never called the fire department in my life so I was like

this is crazy and I told him I got two babies I got two babies and they're like well man get the babies out of the house right now

so of course we gather up the babies we're going out at the porch dude but it was amazed they showed up they showed up quickly so fast

it's amazing fire department I mean firefighters are just amazing people but and they were huge these guys

came full alarms siren two fire firetruck two big firetrucks the paramedic ambulance

and then the firetrucks I mean and they were juiced they were pumped they were ready to go they were like where's the fire

and anyways within seconds they calmed down and they were like did your heat just run for like the first time and

and I go yeah and I go it's a it's a new heater we just had a put in

and then the fire guy goes well it's because it's brand new and it's burning off all the I was so embarrassed I'm staying there in my jammies

and I'm like I'm so sorry I was outside just showing Ellis the firetruck I was like look at the lights he was like

oh he loved it he loved it it was the coolest thing ever that he woke up to do that yeah I was mortified but listen

I wouldn't have called had the alarm in my son's room not gone off no it's scary in the moment it's also five o'clock in the morning

your brain's kind of scrambled yeah you don't know what happened was they left and then now it's like

five forty five yeah and then our kid is like can we play now and I was like no

we're going back to bed and he was like oh come on man and that took another twenty minutes to get him to chill out the tantruming

he was all freaked out and I was like you couldn't tell somebody like you couldn't script that's happening the dog shit

smoke detector fire department back to I mean it was the worst night and then two nights later the dog got diarrhea

again and I was up all night without mother fuck yeah dog so I took bitsy to the vet again

because we we thought it was because she was eating stuff yeah turns out she has inflammatory bowel disorder disease

whatever it's different than traditional IBS IBS is psychological it's related but she doesn't have diarrhea when she gets groomed or anything

it's unrelated to that she's got something inside of her you know these Brussels are great dogs but I think genetically she's got

some stuff that dog's butthole has been the only problem with the dog is the dog's asshole let's

yeah it's so anyways we put her down yesterday our guest is here she's here and she's going to be

on a new diet and hopefully in a new food a softer food that's going to help her so our guest is here though let's take a quick break

and grab him alright we're back and we have with us our guest preferred pronouns he, him post-transition one of my favorite

comedians in the world also one of the stars we've mentioned many times I need you to kill the comedy documentary directed by

J. Elvis Weinstein that's available on Amazon Prime multiple stand-up albums multiple television appearances a new special that was just shot that will be coming

to you somewhere soon you'll announce when you have all the information it is the great Chad Daniels hi everyone that's about right

that sounds about right Chad Daniels that sounds even closer there you go you're so funny you're the best thank you guys you're so

and you're one of those people that more people need to know about I feel like it's time it's time I love when you used to talk about your wife drinking red wine

oh yeah what was the red wine her mouth her teeth would be all purple and gross right he has so many great jokes

he's one of the great joke writers so that's nice it's fine because people will come up and they'll be like hey you like to see me before a show

I can't because I'm divorced and don't talk about her it's just not fair do you have a lot of divorce material I don't have any any

do you do that purposely well it's just like it's her life so if it's not 100% my story to tell then I don't tell it what's a

I mean because you have kids you still interact right absolutely yeah she lives eight blocks away we live in the same town still

so we have to talk about kid schedules yeah God I feel like not that it's definitely not the biggest part

of divorce but isn't one of the things that when you remove the emotional stuff you know aside the logistics of scheduling

is that one of the things you're like god damn it that you didn't plan on when you divorce you're like I gotta set up Tuesday I don't have a Tuesday

worked out you know what I mean it is tough the hardest part was watching my daughter come over with like her laundry basket and it's like

I go why don't you put those in the dresser so it's not such a pain for you she goes well I mean I have to bring it back and forth and I was like

oh god my fucking heart is breaking so I just you know what I will buy one of each for one here

and one there and then you don't have to bring shit back and forth now that's the sad part of the divorce but let's talk about

the good part pussy I wish what? like I divorced too late everybody's like oh you're divorced sorry

no absolutely really? true you're not getting it in what about that second wife Tom and I keep talking about what his second wife

is gonna be like we're hoping that I get like a dalmatian you know like the girl hot and stupid you're so funny

and then her brain grows out grows her skull and she goes crazy I know that's what happens to dalmatians is that right? adorable right?

yeah this puppy's amazing when they're three their brain out grows their skull like crazy I didn't know that

that's what happens to hot chicks too that makes sense I want to get that girl who's just like hey babe do you have a good show

yeah good show she's like I gotta hand bat live a time and I'm like that's great and then I'm like

anyways and she's like blow job time I'm like I'll go to I'll go to the other room so you can sleep watch your football game

no demands on you ever on your time on your attention yeah second wife doesn't puts up with everything

basically absolutely takes care of everything for you yeah I could be like fucking I have just work for you

months and I go in Alaska going on a football game trip with my friends she's like have a la via

where do you find Phoenix yeah that road beams out there waiting for you you know who I am Houston they're in Phoenix

yeah the hot places yeah they're in Tampa Tampa is their headquarters yeah well I picked northern Minnesota to live so that should be pretty good

that's your problem where everybody gets the pretty girl from Dairy Queen gets married at 17 and fucking stays married forever that's right

that's the problem seriously you need to relocate where the hot sluts live listen four years four years four years and it'll be here

so Cal man I think so this weather is unbelievable it's the best yeah my daughter's a freshman and I might home school her from here

yeah sophomore through senior year do this so nice maybe um yeah I know so nice here it really is I always say

weather is underrated when people are like ah yeah the weather like no no no weather is life it dictates everything yeah when you can go outside I mean it's gonna be

gray for nine months oh god I've painted my fucking living room sky blue which is not recommended by anyone uh huh

only to have blue in my life in the winter yeah yeah bro listen we got sunshine avocados you've had one of those before

not one that's ready to eat what if what if Chad's whole cynical shitty take on everything he's just tied to living in first

falls it is and that he moves down here and he'll be like I have a banana every more turned into like terrible

you guys ever rent a Prius and everyone's like what happened to you he's like I don't know I feel great that's his whole act I'm so happy

yeah you're gonna get super happy I want it to happen I want it to happen so we gotta keep you from getting second wife puss in another town

so that you actually come to Southern California so we can be around you I'm telling you I don't it just isn't it's not a people see me on stage

and they're like he's grumpy so we don't need to talk to him after this let's go drink it's so hard to believe I really do it's real

now you gotta put out the don't you gotta lace it into the material I'm never ever gonna do that have you ever seen a fucking divorced comic on stage yes

yeah well I learned this new you know butt fucking and it's you know and then you sit there

and you're like are you trolling right now I've seen that I've also seen the not well hidden attempt to get laid

with like and that's why I don't I never get to any sex you know and then you know that they're

no no here's the ultimate one too ladies you guys are the superior sex am I right and then the pandering to how great women are how great women are

yeah the fake feminist male comic that's my favorite move what I can't believe that they told you guys I'm staying at the courtyard

Maria what's next that I'm in room and they just open with believe all women you're like how come yeah

if I got I got Chad laughs at that one it's an exact right now you know who I want to be in my second marriage Tom

I want to be the frivolous older housewife woman who has not a care in the world like you've seen her on

reality shows where she's like like everything's funny and I just I just need to buy a grill for $1,000 and her whole life

is like I gotta get a man here you're constantly remodeling yeah this house it just doesn't feel right yeah

my husband needs this doesn't fit me anymore yeah this kitchen it's not like what I'm cooking exactly yeah

and then they're like that's what I want do you know that there's such thing as a chef's kitchen and then you're like what and then your husband just like

just build what you want that's what I want and the first thing is a chef you haven't fucking made anything in three years

exactly that's what I want to be how about you take some fucking cooking lessons babe and you're like nah nah and I'm drunk

all the time I'm always brunching you're just like wine buzzed all the time sure and the husband

works so hard like just to keep me in the in the world you know that don't see him we don't even have on the A-max Jesus

what but don't I look good sweetie that's pretty true and it's cheaper to keep then he just takes your head and he puts you behind no he doesn't do that though

but Bowie should say omabihola oh no but it's cheaper to keep me than to divorce me that's why he keeps me

yeah it's true and he just has a fair and it's fine because I'm not giving him sex that's right that's how second wife works

that's how it works that's so great I don't want one no no no your second wife you guys are really setting this up in not a great light you know

when you move to California you're going to find your second wife guess where's he's going to get pussied tomorrow why where's he going

Irvine sperm vine yes dude everybody listening go see Chad Daniels and Irvine this episode if you're listening

yeah you have time if you're listening right now as it comes out yeah tomorrow Wednesday night he's going to be in Irvine he's not looking for

you guys are making this seem so sad no can someone say hi to Chad tomorrow just give him a hug he likes his balls tugged right pulled hard

do you like pulled hard we just read an email about pull hard I had really sensitive nuts yeah really so yeah

so you're like no thanks it's like just keep it just keep it above the sack yeah above the okay but

so you don't want like you don't want to have that they're just real sense I don't know what like they're always bruised or something I don't know what's going on

and I got a vasectomy in zero problems yeah didn't hurt no pain talk to Tom about this because I need this to happen you had pain

oh you haven't gotten one he needs to get one yeah I can't have another kid yeah just not have put something in a in a a jar

and then freeze it yeah if you want to have another with your second wife I want having more children are you sure yeah I want a baby

I want a baby can you go get your sperm cycle right in there yeah Jesus Christ is that a dinosaur it sounded kind of like it right

child let's talk about your vasectomy is it walk us through the process yeah well I went in and the guy he has an he's like an accent

he's and this is by the way is this inforges fault did you have a set up appointment before this to like

you know like yeah so you have to go in I'm asking you have to go in and get the consult right and during the consult

though he said because of a vasectomy can speed up cancer in your cratchel area why and everywhere prostate

I don't know well here's the thing don't tell people that this is true because I don't know if he maybe he was just fucking with me

maybe in a small town maybe he was just like oh funny man huh this is funny right but anyways yeah

so he gave me the you want cancer prostate I'm just kidding prostate exam and then and then I went in and it's like people

I went to high school with are the nurses oh Christ so you're sitting there with a shaved everything right

it's freezing in the room not an excuse right but it's just weird yeah of course because it's like remember when

remember when we had creative writing together and they're like moving your leg and you're like cool this is so comfortable oh man

I've never seen my dick as small as I've seen it in a doctor's office you know it is funny it's like I've looked down

and been like you've got to be kidding me and this is just like for a physical I'll feel like I've got to fluff this a little bit just for like

my own self-esteem you really think he's looking at you and assessing I don't think so I'm just like what the fuck I'm better than this

how do you fluff it I think I'm more get in there with your hand I'm just more like just smack it around yeah just smack it around just to give it

like just some dignity I mean I've seen it literally a new level of small in a doctor's office like when you have to wipe when you pee

that kind of where you're like wait a second do we have a concave dick right now what's going on I mean like retreats inside

I've never seen I think it's because of the medical atmosphere and you know you're a little you know somebody's nervous

yeah you're nervous it's cold it's always fucking cold I got embarrassed when my doctor I was like nine months pregnant my doctor was examining me

and I farted right in his hands and I was like I farted on you he's like it's okay remember that were you there for that one

no I was there at the time after and he's like farts happen everybody farts but he's still talking about it somehow

two months later I'm not going to man so wait on the so the consult is he gives you he's like you're going to die

and then he gives you a further exam and he's like okay thumb up the deal really I have to tell you have you ever he lubed up

the whole glove and I actually said my insurance is not going to pay for all that because there was a dollop you know what a dollop is that requires a spoon

yeah and it was I was just like what in the fuck the elbow's on the desk it wasn't I still don't think this is what should have happened

because it was so weird the elbow's on the desk and he just goes in now why the thumb why not the index I don't know well maybe it was I don't know

I guess I wasn't looking but I I assumed thumb that's what I would have done wow so he fingers your B-hole yeah and then what

you come so hard all over and he goes that's not cancer that's just a great time he tastes it he's like that's not cancer

did he go like did he go did he take his nails and then gently prod behind right in between my shoulder blades

he bunched up my shirt and twisted it and I was like ooh I like this a lot so console he's like

you're good to go your asshole your balls everything's good and then you come back he said it like that he's like

you come back how long later next week maybe two weeks something like that and so what's the day like when you go is there prappies like

don't eat before like how's it go no you can you do whatever you just have to shave everything everything your B-hole too

not your B-hole not your taint but taint twig and berries I like to get maybe halfway down yeah I got long taint here

when I'm in the shower sometimes I'll go down and I'll look and I'll just see like it's like when you it's like when you wash a dog though

the hair always looks longer that's true yeah it's like a dog's beard hang yeah from my taint always looks longer because it's like all together

and then pointing down the water's got to go so gravity it's blaming on gravity so you go you go in you're all shaved and then he's just like

how does it how does it start he likes it first it looks like the opening scene of a there's two ladies in there and then they strap you down

oh you're so excited you're like really but they just you know they tell you don't move don't touch anything

and then you can smell it you can smell the cauterization cauterization but they numb you right clearly they do numb you they shoot you

in the in the vast with the local the vast the vast deference

deference so you feel you feel yeah you feel that and then after that you don't feel anything but you do smell

yeah you can smell when they're how long does that whole procedure take I don't know 20 minutes maybe and then no soreness afterwards well you had to sit on a bag of peas

and I didn't lift anything for the weekend but otherwise that's it oh and then how many jacks do you have to jack for

I think I had to bring in three samples to make sure there's no swimmers and the kid is up and down four times

before you jacked your peener I take crystal meth whenever see that sounds really easy Tom that doesn't sound too bad

no for me it was I mean your kids are little yeah so if you if you start over no that's not

I mean I have a 19-year-old and a 14-year-old no that'd be nice so you throw a fucking baby into that negative and where's the bridge yeah

for me I'm not a monster right there goes my life well I mean imagine imagine four years left

on your prison sentence and then you shift somebody in the yard and they're like you're here forever now I mean that's that's how I think about it that is I mean

what if you got someone yeah so now you can't get someone pregnant I sure can't yeah and you got you tested that

a few times and I've called in and I go so do I need to test this like every six months and they go you don't absolutely

you're just busting nuts and road beef left and right it sounds like it's not road beef it's just me needing an excuse to jerk off and feeling whole about it

oh I see mm-hmm wow so Tom are we doing this or what doing what oh

you getting snips yeah I'll get snipped yes I'll get snipped when please let's do a live remote from there

how about December since I'm at home for a stretch seriously I would love that since I was 15 and I can't do it anymore but you know they'll make you do mouth checks

that's what the doctors do taste test you have to go like yeah there's nothing in there they can get me pregnant you have to do it like over and over can I just tell you

you just blew my mind because I burped and kept it in my throat and then you burped and the noise came through and I was like did I just fucking do that

that was crazy oh my god you were I almost melted that yeah exact same time I kept it in my throat and I went

oh wow oh that was nuts that is kind of crazy you know what Tom calls that synergy synergy oh when two people burp and fart

at the same time it's really magical stuff it means you guys are really good friends we're synced up our cycles do you have any weird

porn's that you're into like are you into watching weird stuff I don't and it's gotten to the point no weird kinks it's almost the opposite of that where

you know something will be on and then I'll just have to stop and be like wait a second that's his real mom not like a step I can't watch this shit

it's disgusting I was watching two Russians one excuse me two Germans one time and I was all ready to go everything

yeah locked and loaded and one of the ladies looks at the other one and goes sucks his tits you bitch and I couldn't stop laughing and I just was like

well this is done and we had that audio for the show that sucks his tits you bitch it's great I laughed so goddamn hard yeah there's weird stuff oh fuck

get your nose up in those balls it's like ball porn but we had a we played a we had Josh Potter come in he brought in weird like some of the weird stuff

he could find and then we put a call out there for other weird things you know just beyond the normal the vanilla stuff and we got this email

says hey I just watched episode 469 of when Josh Potter was on and showed in a video of a nameless hero doing God's work and servicing the genitals

of crippled of crippled undesirables Jesus the topic of disabled porn and more specifically porn with people who are missing limbs came up and as a 20 year old man

missing both legs let me tell you the people who fetishize missing limbs are very real someone with an amputee fetish is revert to as a devotee and there are

different sides to this some people just want to have sex with an amputee some people get sexual pleasure from the desire to become an amputee there are certain instances where people

have actually mutilated themselves to become an amputee so they can pop a bone bone and then squirt till sundown it is very common for amputees to have people randomly message them

on facebook and other social media and ask to see pictures of their stump or ask them if they ever use their stump during sex there are mixed feelings in the amputee community

about devotees some people think it's gross some people think it's nice personally I think that knowing someone may want to rustle my jimmies due to me missing limbs is awesome many people

many people missing limbs are very self-conscious feel they may never find someone who will want to skeet their meat knowing that devotees exist gives myself another crippled hope too that we can get our dicks licked

thank you for bringing up yet another important topic and for truly being the voice of the people and America's podcast piss on me, beat me and a face of fart Nathan H

a face of fart a face of fart I tell you these emails are so beautifully written yeah that's fantastic so I didn't know that there was that whole segment of society

how do you get there do you lose your virginity to somebody with thick legs and you're like I need more access to that shit I don't know that's a good question how do we do this

it's a good... I'm always fascinated though that whatever your condition whatever it is there is somebody that's very turned on by that you can be 600 pounds

you can be missing a limb you can be unable to walk and someone out there is like god I fucking love that shit it's such a turn on I mean they really do yeah there's really something

that turns everybody on I don't know yeah right now not in Minneapolis or in Fergus Falls no maybe not

well again I told you they're all married they've been unmarried yeah we gotta find you the hot the hot weather sluts the hot weather sluts

they're out there man Arizona you're right that's what real sluts are somebody also messaged that whoever did that Photoshop gang member of the guys transitioning to women

yeah they said that they did me dirty you have and they told me Tom you have serious potential as a super hot chick never you look like a Russian porn star

how God should have made Jesus I am rock hard came four strokes on these love you both and your podcast is hilarious Sean Sean said

this is a better representation of me as a hot oh that's interesting uh-huh that's actually that's you as a woman

yeah well that's somebody who I think put maybe my maybe my eyes in there nose a little and then half did the mouth well here's the problem

with your transition mm-hmm that I foresee first of all oh that's better that's that's better your hairline

we're gonna have to do some restoration yeah like major surgery there it's gonna have to bring it down a little bit more electrolysis you've got so much facial hair

you're gonna take a lot of hormones and your size you're so big we're gonna have to thin you out a lot for you to pass wow what do you think

how are you doing mentally right now she just kicked the shit no I mean as a woman I think it's a compliment that it would be really complicated

I felt like she's been wanting to say all that shit for a long time and this was just the way to sneak it in I think you're right I'm just saying as a woman you know as a woman

you cannot pass do you think you'd ever do anything for your hairline no good for you no I think you look great too I like it like this

I'm just doing the the buzzing that's it trim it down oh you're cute yeah that's it you got a full head of hair right I do lucky guy

yeah well thank you it's really nice yep got that going for me full head of hair oh my god you so do fucking when we were in Asia together

every chick walked up to him and was like shut up luxurious hair yeah they did they were super with my sunken in eyeballs because I hadn't slept in two weeks

it's like hey ladies yeah every single one of them ridiculous have you ever dated Asian persuasion I've not okay

maybe single Chad will not I mean not for any reason it's just again because you're racist northern Minnesota so it's like do you want to date a white girl or a whiter girl

yeah that's true right yeah it's super white is there any diversity northern Minnesota very little yeah

there's nothing that's gonna happen when you move to that hot pussy climate you know you're gonna get different different looks man it's gonna be exciting for you different look

definitely Indian girl Asian girls fucking black Latina it's all gonna come to you oh yeah you're gonna be knocking chicks off your dick yeah I mean there's no doubt about it

Chad can I ask you a question yeah how long does it take you to fart in front of somebody after you meet them like do you fart in front of girls

do you fart in front of friends have you farted in front of Tom you guys have been friends for years I I mean I don't know if I have to I do do you know where I met Chad

I met him on the flight at the airport right before the flight to Hong Kong so we met there that's when you met each other that's when we met

we'd heard about each other and talked I think we tweeted each other messaged each other before and I remember one of the first things I did on that flight was I went to take a shit

yeah and I was in there probably 10 and I just met Chad and as I I walk out you know there's always a little bit of like I wonder if anyone noticed

I was in the bathroom for like 12 minutes so I was on the flight I just shut the door head down I look up and Chad's like

it was 16 minutes and 14 seconds he looked at me like yeah what were you doing yeah he was really letting me know

that he knew that I took a shit doesn't count for the mile high club so wait you're asking about farting though well because my husband Tom has this neat habit

of just farting in front of everybody sure and he just told me yesterday we were eating dinner and he goes I was working out

with my trainer and I just farted in front of him on the treadmill and the other guys got really mad in the gym and I was like well of course they're mad dummy

nobody wants to smell your farts well I what happened was I'm running no that's what happened no I and I go like

I go I rip a fart and then my trainer's like you know probably 10 feet away he's sitting on one of those boxes

you know those box jump things and he was like he goes was that the was that was that the treadmill like he was

he was genuinely confused like what was that and I go yeah it was the treadmill and he was like oh and I go no I farted and he was like

okay and then I go man that smells bad I go that smells really bad and he's like great

and it's a small it's like a small gym and then like 10 seconds later I smell this fresh like unbelievably fresh scent I'm like

what the fuck is that he's like oh I just sprayed down this whole gym with this natural and then I realized that that whole time 10 feet behind me was another guy just sitting down on

another piece of equipment and I go I didn't know you were back there he was like yep yeah it was you know when people really want you to put shit particles into the air

when they're when they're breathing their hardest right right just maximum heart rate and you just shit right in their mouth I feel like it's dangerous to hold it in at the gym for some reason

I always let it rip at the gym I feel like when you're like exerting yourself and you're trying to fix yourself and you're like oh this is uncomfortable I'm not going to hold it in

I've always thought to myself you ever want to meet the prettiest girl in the world going out to a hotel gym and fart because she'll be there in two minutes she will right yeah and you'll have it to yourself

absolutely for 45 minutes a minute 47 and all of a sudden you're like oh hey no did you see that other guy walking out wow what a jerk right he said he was going to take a shit

I told him it was right down there see because it's become a pattern for Tom now where he's just been kind of farting indiscriminately like we had Doug Mallard in here and he brought his fiance over okay

within minutes of meeting her he farted in front of her at our dinner and I'm surprised you haven't farted in front of our nanny I know you do fart and then she came right in the other night and smelled that I think once you get through the first couple

then it makes it easier oh my gosh that's what happens sometimes what I do is I fart and I go oh my gosh I'm so embarrassed are you trying to justify it you guys this is amazing

I haven't farted in years the doctor said I'd never fart again it's what an accomplishment this is actually a celebration right now I can't believe you guys were here to witness this it's pretty exciting so I'm guessing you don't do this in front of people

I don't yeah and why not I don't know what it is I think single guy now that's what it is he's looking for that new road beef

and he knows that you can't fart your way there now if you go out on a date a few times and say if you get comfortable how long would it take you to fart in front of a lady or do you know

I think normally it first happens on accident right is it a few months in probably yeah probably like something like you ever get jumper cables where they come in and just both sides of your ribs

yeah that happened once she thought it was going to be so funny and I just all over her yeah and that was actually then I'm like well thank you for

we broke the barrier yeah thanks for doing that hmm yeah somebody emailed in about this uh hey Tom and Christine I'm a woman in her 30s

I have more gas than anyone I know dating is hard for me because I get crippling stomach aches and basically I have to run home just to fart how early is too early to start farting in front of a significant other I currently just met a guy

he's very fun but very polite he doesn't seem like the type of person I could in front of fart in front of ever oh dear

should I end it now should I just give up on dating I'm not completely haggard I'm a pretty normal looking girl just with an excessive amount of gas sincerely gassy

Caitlyn hmm Caitlyn let's start from the but do you know why you're so gassy have you gone to the doctor interesting maybe it's your diet

what are you doing is there any way to reduce your gas change what you're eating diet maybe like bits you put some hemp oil like our dog

on your food and see if that changes your stomach yeah and why do you have to run all the way home can't you just like leave the room yeah

it depends on how smelly just be like I just I drank so much water before I got here today and just keep going to the bathroom to pee or be like I'm a good person

and I'm leaving the room to fart right that this way you don't have to but we're finding we're missing the the

the the thing that she should be pursuing what the guy that loves farts that's true and I gotta say yeah

there's a lot of them out there it's surprising we discovered that a while ago and we got a whole bunch of messages from guys who are like the whole idea

of a pretty girl making a stinky smell turns me on they love it the smell of your own farts I'm sure there are guys that would love to suck it into their mouth

come up and then blow it back in your face there are guys out there that would nothing more than Caitlyn farting in and around

well maybe she doesn't want like a fetish person yeah no but it's somebody who who likes her and likes the farts and also likes that yeah

it's about these phase of farts Caitlyn there's also gas X and phase I if you've tried taking those I'm asking

well I've got massive farts Beano she's asking about what to do about this dude I would say get your diet checked out take the phase

I'm the Beano and hang out with him for a while yeah or maybe just say hey man a lot of business a lot of interesting yes

but which is your main characteristic your special your main characteristic

well my main characteristic my specialty is face farting yeah face farting yeah and play this

like a part it's the best part yeah let's see I don't know I don't know if this is it I don't know

I'll see it over ready oh that's it oh yeah I don't know which episode that's in okay

are you ready one two three oh my gosh I love this is happening out on the street there's a truck driving back

yeah it's out on the street no they're in front of like a dairy queen it's terrible yeah it's really stupid yeah well there you go you know what

I just reminded me of Tommy talking about farting at the gym Tom and I used to live in Silver Lake which is a predominantly gay area and he we used to work out

at this gym that was known for having bears work out there like big dudes and then remember that one bear that would always build his

musk how could I forget and he would like he would use a treadmill that was placed right like there was a fan right in front of him there's always that

fucking asshole and then his bear juice is just being sprayed I'm trying to do a podcast I know sorry and the smell of this guy's

balls just throughout the whole gym remember that guy did it work did he attract other cubs yeah of course it worked

he smelled horrendous and was the biggest guy in the gym like a big Samoan you know like 6 3 3 30 had fucking pierced nose

crazy tattoos and just stunk and he would just proudly walk around like and that works I mean it must have worked it must have worked

I don't know what he's face farting face fart that's a guy who pretends to not understand what face farting means

so he's like what is this this Italian guy and she's like let me show you he's like okay as soon as she does

he's like thank you that was amazing no accent that was very special yeah yeah that's what

Caitlin needs yeah just a face farting guy a pig yeah real PIG I think you'll find out that

you know if the guy's into you you can fart whenever it doesn't matter I've had girls around me all the time and it doesn't we haven't finished

oh great um psychology test here and Christina's doing it too um and I need to answer a few more questions on the air

should we all take down our here I'll give you a paper pen if you want sure you can take down some answers so

here's the here is question number six by the way that the way that you uh the number score this is um

a five is a very good match to the to the statement okay good three is moderate two slight

and one nothing so think of it as one means I absolutely do not agree with the statement for yourself okay

or is that how are you doing it right yeah okay so the next question how dumb do you think I am

you started if you were like I feel like four's good I got the rest of it I think you went all the way I always like

to give explicit instructions let's see here I'm answering that okay uh next question my main purpose in life

is to get as many goodies as I can we're going to definition on goodies yeah exactly it's road beef yeah

okay um next one is I don't plan anything very far in advance okay oh one's interesting

making a lot of money is my most important goal it's a five and let's see we don't want to bore people just reading these questions so

we're going to share our answers I know we are yeah very shortly I quickly lose interest in tasks I start and I let others

worry about higher values my main concern is with the bottom line jeez it's a yes for Tom no six

not at all no all right all right well that's a good that's number six through eleven yeah so let's go and share our answers

okay I find that I'm able to pursue one goal for a long time this is a strong match for me me too I five what'd you get

I went with a two a slight match slight match for you okay go ahead my main purpose in life is to get as many goodies as I can

I'm a two I went with a three I went with a three wow these are fucking psychos okay that's a moderate match sure go ahead

I don't plan anything very far in advance I got a four just because we have two children who are prone to sickness stand-up careers hmm

yeah I went with a three because in my professional life I do plan things a year in advance in my personal life I don't know what's happening

tomorrow true I went with a one you don't you don't plan at all oh I misinterpreted that what hold on

sorry I read the question again the statement is I don't plan anything very far in advance and I feel like I do plan things very far in advance okay

so that's a one so that's a one meaning you disagree with that I disagree with the statement that I don't plan right that's right listen I'm just going to admit

I put three down for all these because I didn't understand any of them okay how about this one this is very revealing making a lot of money is my most important goal four

hello two Jesus I put a four as well we have to understand I live in a place where if comedy doesn't pan out that's what I tell people

when they're not laughing I go do you think this fucking matters I could mow lawns and make my mortgage I live in the middle of nowhere that's very interesting that's true

I like but I like having money and stuff I like money I like money well money's great but I'm just saying like where I live I don't need

a lot of it that's true I quickly lose interest in tasks I start where do you go for that I strongly disagree that's a one yeah

that's where I went five did you really oh absolutely you're total sociable I have fucking lumber for stuff that I was going to build three years ago in my garage still

I think I should be more I think I now that I hear this and like talk about it I put a one yeah but I think it's fair to give myself a couple

points higher seriously because you lose interest I mean I'm not saying in I don't think it's a complete five

and I don't think it's a one I think I probably should be a two or three yeah I'd agree with that you know because there's things that I'm very much able to pursue as a task

and and then there are some things that I like hearing him say I'm like yeah I've done that where I've bought the thing to do the thing and then I'm just like

I haven't listened to a full sentence this entire time so I'm for sure okay okay alright so here we go and then

I let others worry about higher values my main concern is with the bottom line if that isn't meant to bait the craziest of the crazy

in people who hear that and they're like definitely I don't agree with that at all I don't I was a two

yeah I think that's right wow I'm a one yeah duh yeah gotta leave a little space a little space is good well I

clearly Chad is the sociopath here no no no I'd say there's no doubt about it yeah I'm very calm yeah

oh you know we learned about our heart rate then that's true so I was watching this crime documentary thing on Netflix and

they said that one it's not confirmed but it's like proposed idea that's an indicator for sociopaths is a

is that many of them have a low resting heart rate and the theory is that they need excitement to just feel alive to feel normal to get to normal

yeah so that they do things that are high risk and you know crazy things basically to just elevate that heart rate

that's always so low I mean you remember when I slid down the wet hill in Hong Kong into traffic unreal yeah

that is by the way a that is a not completely vivid description of what he did was

terrifying I mean on accident or purpose so on purpose on a hill in the rain it's a steep hill and they have a

in the city and not like they have an escalator that's how steep the hill is yes so everyone's on this escalator because there's a top over it and it's raining

fuck and with all the soot in the air it comes down with the rain and made it very greasy yeah so that the hillside is like it's basically

picture wet brick you know it's like oh my god and he gets a trash can lid off jumps on it plastic one yeah and slides down

like like head first like it's snow like an angel and we just like see him going and then we just see cars rounding a turn

coming around he's down talking to a taxi trying to negotiate to get back across the bay to our hotel he pulls his head out

the window looks at me and he goes what the fuck and then back in negotiating but it was wow it was really scary nightmarish

but my resting heart rate's nine so I need to do stuff like that yeah see both of you are psychos like that I have a really low resting heart rate too I had it where

like they were like one guy the nice guy the nice tech at Cedars when they were examining my heart was like

man it's really low he was like do you work out and I go yeah and then like the nurse came in

who was no nonsense she was like looks at the thing she was like wow it's really low he goes the guy goes he works out though and she looks at me

and she's like no no no like that he doesn't this is something upstairs this is something else yeah um anyways

yeah so maybe that's it's at the root of it you know well that could be I want to see a total fucking pig yeah at the airport

somebody sent this in this is from the actual listener says I'm currently waiting for my flight home and witnessed something absolutely

disgusting in the middle of a crowded terminal this is low and loose behavior and has absolutely floored me in a terminal

no no no this guy oh my god she's really getting it like in between the toes dude this is

I'm gonna vomit she goes on to say she says this guy took his shoes and socks off started picking at the skin between his toes

and peeling his blisters right here in the terminal I mean that is savagery that is absolute insanity to witness

it's so inappropriate I've seen people clip their nails yes in public on airplanes it's so gross my daughter was

really bothering me one week and so I picked a I took the whole skin off of a blister and let it dry and then I put it

on her pillow she almost fucking murdered me in my sleep but you know what don't be an asshole that's true so she was really

yeah did she come tell you when she discovered it yeah I mean she screamed she didn't come tell me oh she just she sat above her bed

dad you're disgusting just freaking out you were like so gross go to bed just give her one of those resting heart rate

very calm very calm but don't you think that grooming in any enclosed space with other humans that you don't you're not related to

is just disgusting it's completely unacceptable like I vomit even just having some girl brush her fucking horsey hair on the airplane it's crazy too

why are you brushing your hair and all your dirty dandruff flakes are everywhere in the air you know in your dirty fucking hair

you know what you're doing too that's the thing everyone knows what I mean if you're clipping your nails you're so fucking bothersome to do that

in a plane or a terminal I've seen people just fucking clip clip like what that actually reminded me the brush thing my daughter has pulled

all the hair out of her brush and then packed it in my suitcase that's pretty great that's smart girl that's pretty great that's a smart girl it was fucking

as you pull out your stuff you're like oh my god she's like it's my version of a love note dad I love you come back soon oh my god that's fine

let's see if this motivates Chad to maybe I don't know open his mind open his heart change the way he sees things I'm sitting here

in the desert and just looking at this beautiful vastness and thinking of those times of how I've compromised myself because I was so afraid to be alone

and this desert reminded me of lonely paths I've had to travel within and how I've had to put everything that I love and everything I've built

on the line to simply be happy and how it can be the most terrifying thing to do and it can feel absolutely lonely this is why people cheat

right here this kind of shit yeah right hey check out this video I did alright yeah it's a lot well this is an

Instagram post like this isn't even just on her website that maybe you know if you're really interested in Jada Pinkett Smith you're gonna go and

she's talking about wellness like this is on fucking Instagram do you think that she busts this out when oh my gosh I think when Will's like hey my new movie

I just shot you know was coming out next month I'm pretty excited but she's like check out what I just shot yeah it'd be great if this was on her

Instagram and then what the next thing you clicked on was this is a story all about how my wife got sick this is beautiful

where she is though so much beauty there and we should all just look at how we're compromising ourselves and our lives compromising our happiness simply to not be alone

sounds like here's to love and here's to you oh boy it sounds like there's trouble in the marriage you know what I mean she's like

compromising myself not happy hey when people take that tone because you know they're lying and they don't believe themselves yeah

oh you guys I've been working out a lot and I feel great and I don't have to it's it's fine yeah I think

a lot of this is just it's just directed at you know one person and everything is like it's meant to be like this is public consumption I'm just putting it out there

but it's I'm really just trying to tell you something I think so that's kind of my favorite stuff you're like this isn't for everybody so you have two options right

I can go home and be like I fucking did everything for you yeah or you can find a desert and be like I've put everything on the line oh no

I've been picked on a lot on this show I don't believe that I have been for what I laugh at people think it's really wrong sometimes Chad I'd agree with that

statement that he gets picked on for laughing or that he laughs at inappropriate shit both yeah it's true

that's a true statement here's a submission do you think this is funny it's good now I don't like what's going already I know for a fact

that I saw it though there's no question about that I'd rather retie now than fucking retie after a big old fish breaks me off for people listening there's just a guy

who's fishing great forearms great forearm veining probably just has those natural strong forearms you know

just he lives he's an outdoorsman lean lean build so he's getting his what do you call that his

tackle bait his lure ready he's sitting there alone on a boat fishing and then something bad's going to happen

and I don't like to see it let's see get the fuck out of here yeah go fuck fuck what just happened

yeah what just happened a hornet a hornet stung him a bunch of times yeah I think a couple maybe oh wow fuck you're not fucking

throwing up god damn it's a nice light I'm getting fucking eating up it is a nice light god damn god fucking

damn boy got kind of freaked out yeah yeah fuck that fucking hurts god damn god

he was just so calm for so long yeah he was he actually wrote in we rarely get the person who made the video send in the video it's usually somebody else sending it in

he goes I recently found your channel understand you like videos of people getting hurt so here you go I personally don't find it funny because it happened to me but all my

piece of shit quote friends seem to enjoy me screaming like a bitch Craig well Craig I did enjoy it absolutely fantastic

yeah because he said I'm gonna get this fit like you know the big strategy behind it yeah and then all of a sudden attack mode

and you thought that was funny I picked up like a prairie dog yeah I have the worst posture and all of a sudden I was like what like I'm in the military

trying to watch that shit but do you laugh at like things like that absolutely you do you guys are besties that's why uh

hey uh you better do something that ground's coming pretty fast yep you heard it wow I hurt too much it fucking hurts so bad oh god I hurt so fucking bad

oh god yeah you heard that shit crunch that was coming fast that was coming really fast but how funny is it on a scale of one to five five being you very much agree

can you go through all of the numbers four four being just good three being moderately agree I think if you jump out of a plane and something bad happens to you yeah

then that should be oh here comes another one I yeah what was that what was that oh oh that's straight up a car

what was Bakula mean stuck we looked it up we went for send it in that guy is the best though oh his face hit the back window right

I don't know it's so bad he's real concerned though he's like god damn it he fucked up my car man guess what though we've played this so many times so we've really gotten it out there

it happened in Taiwan turns out well some people were like that guy's definitely his legs are removed he was fine he was actually oh really

yeah this was in the news there the guy turned out to be totally fine he was bruised but it definitely looked worse yeah it looked like he was going to get a lot of that amputee yeah

devotee emails yeah was that funny for you too yeah I mean don't stand behind it's all this common sense shit yeah

yeah that's a that's true that's a different perspective people always make fun of me because when I walk into a bathroom I always look behind the door if I'm at a bar

I peek behind the door just because my friends are like what are you doing? I'm like well it's not going to be so funny when you get butt fucked in here but I'm not going to yeah

you're a part of that the rape culture you're afraid of kind of how women have to deal with the world do you navigate I can't even imagine the world the way we do

well I just like to know what's behind the door that way when I'm because I don't have to question it right no we do that too someone in here are going to fucking

attack me right now makes a lot of sense in here in this house especially no one's going to you're fine right I don't know

tune tune this is my heartbeat tune tune it takes that long that long that slow have you been have you had it checked out

really you could have like a problem when I sleep people think I'm dead you should probably have it looked at you know they can just do like a sonogram of it

because my mom had some heart defects they checked mine to make sure I didn't have it don't anyway they just put a thing over it to do quick quick they can look at it I just think it's because

I don't know how to love five minutes if you guys have not yet been convinced to see Chad live or

I'm guessing not I've been so funny today you have been if you have not you've been convinced to see him live we highly recommend it but we also think

you might be convinced by the web stuff he's been doing well when I say I don't work I only mean that I ended regular full-time employment

at age 40 since those like me who are on disability don't seem to need it I'll explain although highly intelligent I was born with physical problems and severe learning disability

that got worse with time what the fuck is this I was just trying to explain where I was at that day yeah it's a cool backdrop

I kind of feel like it's a map of the world a hammer a hammer and a symbol some might say is a swastika I thought that was for

wind power oh no just letting people know where you stand can I tell you something I don't even know what is about to happen my YMH

tanglies are telling me this might be something we're going to enjoy for weeks to come yeah you might be right I'm feeling like

it's got the makings of a great video this is okay so the person who made this just in case you didn't know is not Chad if you're listening

but they have they have a little screen I can't even think of words an announcement at the top of the show of his videos that say I'm hosting this channel

as an extremely controversial speaker that's what it says before these videos play and as a citizen in the US I uphold the freedom of speech that our constitution provides says that freedom of speech

is meant to protect unpopular speech so this guy's really a free speech proponent and he's done his research yeah it also says that the man has some mental difficulties

no he might well he says he says he might inadvertently offend or invite dismissal

by being socially inept and to overlook it instead investigate his claims and viewpoints for yourself so I love how no one's just an asshole anymore

I know it's always like prefacing it it's like Patrick Ewing well my finger hurts just in case I don't have a great game I think there's right

there's so much here that I'm just going to jump through a few yeah let's go I'd like to see it I just want to see what he's what he's up to I'm eager

I could only graduate high school via a special program for problem students I didn't go to college since no college could accommodate my needs check from there I worked

many jobs but could only secure very low-paying jobs half the time I couldn't even find work even a low-paying job until my father stepped in for me

for example one time my father gave my manager money for Christmas one company hired me because my father's company was funding theirs

a boss from another company hired me because his child was enrolled at my father's daycare center okay after my dad retired from full-time work

he told some security companies that if they hired me okay that's a lot what is that but I do like I like the cadence it's a

kind of Wisconsin-y cadence right well I don't know I think it's more it sounds more Amish you think so yeah like a Philadelphia

like a Pennsylvania oh I thought it was more Midwest okay well I like that he talks like that I like his background I like his presentation

he pushes any buttons the content is suffering right now I don't know if he pushes any buttons let's see then there were cases of mistreatment and discrimination oh for instance

I was fired for supposedly attaching and raising the American flag upside down on the flagpole which I'd never do while a recent Muslim immigrant

from another shift had the same job and was likely to have done it so oh that's a sign of distress that is a sign of distress when you raise the flag

upside down is that right it's a sign of distress I didn't know that I learned that from a Robert Redford movie really yeah do you remember the movie

maybe something something to do with Castle ah okay maybe it was just the castle but it was also the guy from Sopranos James Gandolfini yeah who was the prison warden

hmm anyways but so I want to go back here this guy has a manager uh-huh and his dad has a company and a daycare that funds another company but yeah

and then he goes but my dad's daycare yeah maybe his dad had multiple businesses confusing shit going on well I at the company I worked at the longest

fellow employees kept purposely blowing big farts which I had to smell and breathe there it is there it is I knew I was going to like it he might

be talking about me yeah what gym does he go to I knew I liked this I knew I'd like to while working security at another job I found a splatter of blood

it was a freak accident to where somebody collapsed right in the middle of a tiny staircase which I couldn't find in time therefore they tried to blame me for trying to murder someone

believe it or not so far this guy's got your number blowing farts yeah murdering people that's the first time he looked off the paper too to say

he raises hands up can you believe this I have not murdered anybody blowing farts not I haven't not yet we gotta ask him write our diamonds

okay so for those who complain that I'm cheating the government okay you don't know you don't know anything this should enlighten you

think don't judge others until I explain myself today is a mental illness day I know about myself actually it was mental mental health awareness

last week well there you go that's why we're doing this that is it we're just a little late this guy should have to read everything because that keeps him calm

yeah and then my dad had my manager why are you doing this that was so scary that's aggressive I liked it I like the why are you doing this

and I like the blowing farts part yeah he's hurt someone yeah he's done this blowing big farts yeah he's gonna

man there's a lot going on in that clip that was pretty quick we're gonna have to watch that yeah a few more times I feel like we're gonna visit that again it's a lot of stuff

I accidentally overdosed yeah he's done he's done a lot of stuff oh man yeah wow I accidentally overdosed

yeah that's a lot huh yeah world is a special place seems weird that that kind of guy would have a hammer hanging on his wall right by the door

are you really the pizza guy just holding the hammer way up what do you think the justification is like if somebody goes what's up with the swastika like do you think he has he probably has something like that to go he does

he goes it's not yeah the fucking hammer yeah what's up with the swastika I'll show you tunk tunk tunk done I think it's

that world map is where he's buried people I think he's one of those guys who does the it's like the you know the old white guy who goes how come I can't say the N word

they say it all the time you're like that's not how it works he's a like what that's there they're like it's perfectly logical other people are saying it why can I see it it's always like a

and you go like you here's the thing I don't have to tell you like you know why you know why you're not supposed to say it you know what I mean like

but why can't we yeah you go like a lot why can't we you go you you don't need the explanation this is just like kind of a theatrical thing you're doing

it's the same guy who would be like have a swastika and you're like why would you do that they're like well you know actually the symbol existed before the nazis that's what I was gonna say

and they're like so I am of the belief that we should celebrate the old Egyptian interpretation of the swastika it's actually a Native American yeah yeah they're like

oh so overlook the people that kind of misuse it exactly since then they've used it for other things have you heard about the stuff I got famous for just to be clear

I'm using it for something else so be free to interpret it as you choose anyways that's how I always feel about the confederate flag oh my god

that's another one it's all these guys southern pride women we shouldn't be we shouldn't be given participation ribbons to kids and it's like well that's what the fucking confederate flag is

it's a yeah you didn't win that's a participation that's true and they keep it in their trucks with their nuts on the trucks it's it's nuts

yeah not in California you move out here you don't see that shit not out here bro not in southern California no true

not here man OC so much fucking road beef down in the OC I'm looking for road beef man it's just a lot of then you get a text and it's a whole bunch of oh

yeah I'm just lazy yeah I recently moved in with my grandmother here's an email with my grandmother after graduating college

I found myself in a great dilemma I get up every morning get ready for work and like any reasonable human being I take a pre-work poop 8.15 a.m. is my time

just like the great top dog and I have found myself in a great deal of trouble you've heard of pissing on the seats I presume well how about shitting on the seat

yes you read that right my grandmother shits on the seat every morning oh and I don't know what to do is this a power play by her is this a way of communication

should I leave her some brown as a message back anyway Tommy and Tina the real question is should I become poop pals with my grandmother instead of pen pals with her

piss on me beat me yada yada yada ding ding you know the drill jakem I think your grandmother where to begin

is begging you to leave absolutely she's just like I was being nice when I said you could come live with me you piece of shit she's shitting

on the seat yeah well I think it's right on the back of the seat that's probably what's going on when people sit back too far exactly and you know

like skims all the way down so like your shit is flat on her asshole dude you're blowing my mind right now Chad I thought I heard it all yeah we talk about brown a lot

on this show dude I've never heard this her ass was probably right up against the back dude I never even thought because she's blew my mind and it might be because

of how old she is she's sitting you know she's got one of those things those walkers maybe a bad back legs you don't know

and if you're not using the squatty potty sometimes it can curl up and imagine you finding that shit every morning you're like god damn there's shit all over the seat

if that isn't motivation to get your own place I don't know what it's yeah that's going to be us in 30, 40 years shitting on the seat I love that you gave it

yeah how long do you think next week you start shitting on seats you will I'll be like fucking Tommy shit on this thing

I know you're going to put me in the home right away no I'll clean your shit I'll be like yeah this is your new place and I'll be like

wow you're like oh did you like it here babe I'm like yeah don't be nice to you and I'll be the guy who's like

I want another bath and they give me another bath I'm like it's still dirty down here my grandma had dementia and I'd always go eat dinner with her when I was in town

and that was at a retirement center in Minnesota yeah and so she would say and then they cleared the plates

and she goes when are we going to eat and I go don't you feel full I mean can't you like nothing you know

I try to understand but for me I'm like we just fucking ate and then I go we'll try to remember what you ate do you have any idea

and she was like I don't but I trust you and then we went and watched Texas Walker Ranger whatever that's

called Walker Texas and about ten minutes yeah she tasted it absolutely that's how she remembers she has to get it back up oh my god

wow that's it's actually a really sweet story yeah it is was it a long time ago yeah yeah

four years ago not that long ago she is she still with us she's not spaghetti spaghetti's gone spaghetti got her

do you have any other grandparents left parents I'm wiped out yeah my mom your mom you close to her yeah I live

two miles away are you serious mm-hmm that's kind of nice that's sweet I see my parents twice a year oh

you know it lives 2,500 miles from me I see my mom twice a year really she lives two fucking miles away really I'm more than that

but not as much as I probably should yeah but she's retiring October 26th so she said I'll be over for coffee every morning

and I was like great I'm moving my dad's retiring December 3rd and we've talked about it a lot I'm worried I'm serious

he's been involved with stuff his whole life and he's like next chapter don't know what I'm gonna do I'm like fuck stop saying that I don't know what he's gonna do

and I'm like while you go off he's like yeah I'm not interested anymore like you fucking lost interest in golf that's what you're supposed to do now uh-oh

yeah I don't know what he's gonna do that's not good I know I'm like he's like fishing I'll get into it then he goes

fishing with like my nephew next day he's like it was terrible just three hours after like three hours isn't even that long

I've seen this happen you know where it ends where? spaghetti spaghetti yeah fuck hmm

I want him to get involved in something what should we get I don't know anything that's the thing which I don't make those videos have my dad make videos yeah make some videos with stuff on the wall

I might have to get him more involved in the podcast maybe like we talked about having him he might why don't we do movie reviews we were talking about having him do because he loves go to the movies

yeah he told me the other day he's like it's a great movie some movie that's out and I go okay and he's like you can always tell it's a good movie

because your mother and I both liked it and I go yeah that's my criteria too as long as you two both like it then I know it's a good movie he's convinced that other people will always line up with

his perspective on movies he walks out of whatever the number one movie is like every other month he's like I went and saw this thing it was terrible I think that's the number one movie

in the world right now he's like yeah it's not good okay and he's just out of there splits all the time what's your mom what is she retiring from she is like the marketing receptionist

for a power company okay yeah so she's just ready to get the fuck out she's super stoked yeah yeah yeah I think my dad is too

I just wish he had like the the other exciting interest he lives in where Florida yeah I'd like to see him man on the street situation interviewing

millennials oh my god this might be a good idea Chad that's great now he loves current events quizzes at dinner it's one of his like favorite games

that'd be great yeah yeah well he likes to humiliate your sisters and how little they know about the world and his goal

he's just like brats don't know as much yeah so he'll be like to quiz he's like now let me ask you something

who's the secretary of state and like if they're like I don't know he's like loves it loves it that they don't know it's like so old school but he really is thrilled

that a girl doesn't know I know he loves to bring up politics with me every time we talk now Christina are you happy that the supreme court is made of old white guys

yeah and I'm like yes I know what happened yeah yeah he's very much into that yeah

I don't know would that be a fun segment he likes to bait me yeah yeah we'd have to edit the fuck out of it yeah we would

he'd be like here is a six hour reel all right talking to people one interview a person yeah the movie thing would be fun

yeah I've always wanted my mom to review hip hop albums I thought it would be fun oh my god have her listen that would be great and have her say

Tommy this is disgusting yeah maybe not the whole album maybe like one song yeah what do you think of this song yeah

whatever like the number one song is on the charts yeah it could be fun and it probably sounds like this get it flip it suck it

exactly that's about right that's all my daughter is listening to right yeah I feel like music I mean listen I'm an old fogey I listen to same shit I liked when I was 15

I'm not a good music current music person but I do feel like it has gone that way right like I watched the VMAs on MTV and I looked up the acts and I'm like dude all the shit's exactly the same

it's like mall music yeah it's so she listens to that around the house it'll be like do the dishes vacuum like all that stuff

yeah and then she plays her ukulele and she'll play you know like where's my mind or something but it's that's cool yeah

so it's like where are you learning this well we share iTunes and it's all your stuff oh so she gets to so she learns it on ukulele

and then but the music she listens to it's ridiculous I have a question how long ago did you stop recording hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha

hahahaha ooh no we're still going actually looked hahahaha I thought you'd just be like spaghetti huh

that's the fucking that's enough here's my dad laughing at his own joke okay hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha

it's like hahahaha hahahaha multiple choice hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha

what's the high pitch that's how life that is not your job hahahaha sorry multiple choice two questions hahahaha

hahahaha you sound hahahaha are you okay I'm so sorry I can't believe I'm laughing at this part it sounds like someone's laughing in the background a female

yeah that's him completely losing his shit hahahaha and this is my mom I'm Charo I'm Polly I'm Bai

and you can call me Ze hahahaha I'm making her do reads hahahaha I love how you're introducing me to all of your like you're auditioning me to be your brother I want you to be my brother this is my dad

this is a good idea if you have never burped I'm farted at the same time can you even say that you live I honor you the double pipe classic

hahahaha that's disgusting hahahaha that's disgusting that's disgusting yeah yeah so those two are going to be locked in a home together

hahahaha for the next however long they live Jesus man hahahaha I think it's going to be crazy I really do I'm worried well I wish them both the best of luck

yeah me too I like them why don't you have them come here and live with you guys let's see what else is going on hahahaha ahhhhh um

Chadwick that's your birth name right sure hahahaha Chattels Chattels Chattels Matthew

yeah what's up I can tell you anything about me because I've had a life lock since I was since it came out my dad stole my identity he did

yeah so I was like well if he's going to do it maybe a stranger will will you tell us the story please he just uh I don't know he needed so he went to prison for check fraud

hahahaha all sorts of stuff prison? yeah I did not know any of this about you yeah he went to prison and then then he took off to Las Vegas

he actually so I bought a car there was something wrong with the engine they gave me a replacement car to drive then my dad made copies of the keys and when I got my car back

had me drive him to the dealership stole that car and drove it to Las Vegas wow what yeah and my mom I couldn't tell my mom any of that stuff so she was like

I just want you kids to know it's not your fault and I was like well kinda no shit how old were you I was uh probably 19 at the time

did you did you what was your perspective on him then well I just thought you know he's a fucking lunatic you did yeah

so if he's going to he's like I'm going to Las Vegas like great oh man yeah that's horrible but it's uh you know

Chad Steven Chad Steven Daniels is that your dad's name it is yeah what a piece of shit huh pretty great

I don't know why you're all over yeah what's your fucking problem square I just yeah it's my dad I loved him do you find it cause my parents were kinda wacky too

as a parent did you I don't know like do you not know how to what a good dad looks like cause yours was kinda shitty no I think I go from the

opposite I know what not to do right does that make sense yeah so I'm not always doing the right thing but I was given a checklist of what not to do

at the beginning so that helps right I looked at their birth certificate and I thought we're gonna take this social security number right

and use it to my advantage right interesting yeah I know you're talking about cause I tried to get a phone and I tried to get just fuck

I went to get a car and the guy for financing and the guy was like it says here you owe $40,000 in child support oh my god on your credit report

and I was like alright how do you how do you you know beat that like how do you overcome that like in real life

like what's what's the process like when you go oh everyone thinks I'm somebody like I went through this phase of killing animals

where I would pray over their body yeah for their soul sure thank you for didn't that make your life terrible

killing animals no no what your dad did no not really no you fix your credit I think Tom's asking yeah

like how do you you know you just have to call and say like I was living with my mom the entire time I didn't have this apartment I didn't have but don't they not believe you

yeah they don't believe you but you just have to get the records and which is a hassle for you bit of a hassle sure yeah oh man yeah my mom would take

my my social security number as a teenager I was like 15 years old and open credit lines credit cards one time I checked my credit

I had like accounts open that I didn't even was it to build your credit though no it was so she could use the credit cards

because my stepdad had ruined her credit because he was a criminal oh can I can I tell you something yeah your mom stole your identity

you know that right yeah okay no I tell my therapist I'm trying to justify it and I'm like no that's straight up man no

theft it's happened it's good yeah do you see a therapist for your daddy issues or but I'm not

religious but it was just nice to chat two times a week that's awesome yeah dude I would go every day if I could

it helped a ton because they have you know you're like well why do I think this and why do I think this and then he draws a little diagram and you're like

oh alright that makes total sense that helps a lot shit I thought I was a crazy person and I didn't want to be near my kids

because it might hurt them nah it's not true but how long did you see them for I probably saw all of a sudden done probably two years wow that's great

that's awesome feel much better I do now I'll go like once every four months because I'll be like oh I'm fucking this thing sucks

better call that guy and then I can't get in for ten days and then I get there and I'm like it's all fixed so you want to grab lunch

yeah yeah I go every week still okay four that's just the other therapist I mean for what let's talk about it

just whatever's on my mind I didn't have like a big jump off thing I just feel it's an oil change right yeah

it feels like a de-scrambling of your mind that's the way I feel like it like you go in there like I'm all fucking fixated on this thing and then

sometimes like the person can just say two sentences to you and you're like yeah I should just chill the fuck out you ever picked at a knot

yeah forever and the more it gets tighter and you're fucking frustrated you need that one person to go you're pulling on the wrong side yeah

or whatever it kind of feels like that totally yeah I'm a big big fan of it I really encourage people to go as often as possible

yeah I'm trying to tell you to make more appointments to keep going yeah I don't think I'm I think I'm fucking fine

all right do you like big tits go see Christina do a stand up now we're talking plug in thanks Tom Christina's act

cool it's really neat talk to your shrink about that one what do you talk about in therapy well I make my mom say all this shit

yeah bring up that all right gotta pee okay Chadithy thank you for stopping by

Chattels thank you for having me we had a lot of fun with you people can see you if you're listening the moment this comes out don't forget that Wednesday night you can see Chad

at the Irvine Improv the rest of the weekend in Tempe at the Improv there and any other big dates coming up we'll just leave it at that okay

and their website ChadDaniels.com all my live dates are till March on there so you can everything he's put out

is amazing check out his album specials he's so funny you guys I mean couldn't you tell from what I was saying today come on yeah

fuck so funny try it out hey cat closing song thank you guys for listening we'll see you next week black guys love to

fuck you fuck good if you're a hot black guy and you want to fuck me at 23.95 if you want to move in you can move in but you gotta

fuck me I need to be fucked a lot hell yeah bro well it ain't no crime and I've done some time

now you're standing out in the rain and I'm all alone inside at 23.95 the respiration dried

you write a calculator you move in just gotta think you like I'm winning stand alongside

and someone feed me that's great you gotta treat me hit the soft okay I have

a fridge try out you