Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 479-Nikki Glaser-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 19, 2018

She's back, comedian, radio-host and jitterbug dancer, Nikki Glaser is in the building for an instant classic. We review some of the cool, neat, raw men with Nikki since she's single and we think most of these guys are too. Plus Fart Simpson can retire now. His most epic prank call ever had us laughing so hard we played it 3 times! Goodnight, Julia!

All right, jean. Mm-hmm. Here we go. Welcome another episode of your mom's house Pomcast Here we are I can't my cut my cut my cut my cut my cut my cut my cut This is one of the last episodes jean ever here in this studio It is in this mom studio quick heads up to everybody before forget to say it. We're taking Christmas week off So right yeah, we're supposed to give you a heads up. No episode Christmas week. I'm sorry It is our it's gonna be our holiday week as well

But we'll be back the week after so don't worry. Don't get your jeans in a tussle We'll be right back, but That's that Jean you want to go ahead and start? I would do my dates. Sure. Do you like big dates? Go see Christina do stand-ups now. We're talking the level of disrespect on this show About my big fucking tits January 10th

You want to see some big tits at the comedy store? I only do that for you, you know, I don't even think it's that funny. I just do it for you January 10th. I'm at the Main room on the main stage is Tom likes to say go ahead. Give him what I do on the main stage Oh, yeah, you dance for dollars and you wear your heels That's why you got to wear your boots and your leggings afterward just to regroup. Ah everybody's That's the uniform of the whore is what you said no strippers, you know strippers like

They wear their they're basically nothing in their heels, but then when they're off work Yeah, they wear those like ugg boots like the knee-high ugg boots the leggings and the oversized sweatshirt. Yeah There you go, you got it on I got the uniform you got the yeah, you're um, you're like, uh the sloth yeah hours Take a break. I gotta pay my cell phone bill. That's what I feel like they're always doing They always have a cell phone bill. Yeah, right. Why is that always the burden? You're stopping a cell phone store There's always a couple of hookers waiting to pay their bill. It's so true. Yeah, how you really have slut culture down? So proud of you. Thanks, January 10th, Hollywood, California at the comedy store come see Christina Tina dancing on the main stage

January 31st through February 2nd Denver Colorado the comedy works in downtown February 23rd. I've rescheduled that Cherokee Casino gig. It's now on February 23rd in West Salome Springs, Oklahoma February 23rd March 2nd Madison, Wisconsin at the comedy club on state. What's Madison? What is it like? What do we say for Madison, Momason? I don't know Madtown to me April 4th through 6th mini-appletits at the Acme come on your club. I've not been there May 10th and 11th 10p at the 10p on me improv. I was new. That's good. Yeah First good one in a while. Thanks, June 20th through 22nd, Washington Dick come at the dick come improv tickets at

Christina P online follow me on Instagram at the Christina P Good job, Jean. That's where I post some of the videos that we play on the show and sometimes can't play on YouTube That's right. There's there's some good ones up there right now on the it's on the gram Um Let's get so thank you you land in for this instrumental You can always send your music your songs your instrumentals to your mom's podcast at gmail.com There's no house in the email address. It's just your mom's podcast. I have just added another show Thank you so much to the great city of Milwaukee

aka Milly walkie Milly walkie I'm going to be there April 12th at the Riverside theater and we're adding a late show It is on sale Wednesday There's no presale code or anything. It's just rolling right into an on sale I also added shows most recently in Medford Which is just outside of Boston Tampa Louisville and

Nashville those are all on sale now Tom Segura comm slash tour thanks so much if you're wondering about the Shows that are coming for the second half of 2019 Sign up at my website you go to the tour page It prompts you and that's where you'll get the announcements for all the second half cities That's like LA New York Minneapolis Toronto Vancouver Calgary The list goes on and on and on there's a bunch of cities coming more than 20 and hopefully it'll be some

Sluts in every town sluts roadbeave and Also, what was I gonna say? I don't know what's gonna say. Oh, maybe some international. That's what I was gonna say Are you serious? Yeah, you're gonna go. I think so. You have to renew your passport. Well, I mean, I'll do that. I Did let it expire Upsetting I'm just reminding you You are reminding me and I appreciate that and I appreciate you. I appreciate I appreciate you motherfucker All right, hold on a second here Jean All right, Jean. It's rock and roll time. We got a big episode got a great guest

It's go time. You ready? I'm ready. Let's do it. What wonderful thing man motherfucking week clown. Look I'm Looking for my queen, you know, I'm saying you don't got to be skin shown why be fetched. You can be anywhere in between You know, I'm saying I just need some mad motherfucking wiki juggler. That look, you know, I'm saying Him yo Don't bring anyone loving to this Welcome Oh

You know I'm saying just talking about it. Yeah, I know that funny it is funny I feel like we need that back in our lives. We kind of phase it out from it. We go through cycles We do go through this guy a juggler. Exactly. Yeah, I was looking for a juggler. Yeah. Yeah, yeah You know saying yeah, you know, I'm saying, you know, I'm saying I will say he's got Some of the criterion for a perfect your mom's house video. Let's review sure So right away okay location location location Where's he located? He is in a bathroom. Yes. He tile over here. I think he's might be on the toilet Yeah, he's probably taking a shit. He is not wearing clothing on top. No, and I don't does he have nipples?

Are they just tucked in somewhere? I don't know He's got he's he's got horrible framing Terrible underneath Too close to came to see the top of his head. It's framed forehead to mid chest It's from below beneath you, which is never good Also, I will say the one thing that doesn't meet the requirements. Yeah, the lighting's decent lighting decent I was gonna say sounds not bad, but I want to make sure I think there's some background either television or radio on there Something on

Here we go Something in the background Ideal way to record something is always to have other things playing in the background Yes You know I'm saying she don't gotta be skin she don't gotta be fetched. You can be anywhere in between. You know I'm saying Mm-hmm. I just need some mad motherfucking wiki juggler. That look, you know I'm saying Him you always got a missing tooth up here. Well, that goes without saying yeah, but that all sudden raises the points You know like he what there you go

You were gonna say yeah, the lighting's pretty good, but Well, there's I'm counting three maybe three that are gone from the top. Yeah, so that that does meet the requirement Sure They're missing you get more points than three bottoms. Why is that Tom? Well, it's like you can you can miss some bottoms hit someone with a smile and they might not even realize it They'll miss it. I love to talk to you for a while. I'm like, okay doesn't have some bottom. Sure. You're missing top teeth People know right away. The world sees it. So that's kind of cool. Yeah. Yeah Also, check another box for the unreasonable ask

Mm-hmm, which is a huge part of a perfect YMH video and his ask is to find a perfect woman for him. He's a catch Yeah, boy. He wait to his credit though, you know, he wasn't he was just like you don't have to be skinny You don't have to be fat. He was just like I want love. That's kind of actually nice That is neat and you have to be a juggalette, right? Well, I mean that's that's somebody that's also smart because what he's saying is I prefer somebody who has similar interests. That's really what he's saying dumb interests Yeah, same but at least he's not like, you know, and you got to be a doctor like he's saying Oh, no, he's saying be what be into what I'm into. That's smart, right? You know be into being a dumb shit like me dumb shit. Yeah, talk like I talk all dumb and shit

You know, but he is I think actually You know, maybe Kyle Dunnigan could learn a couple things possibly profile And you know what I will say of all the unreasonable male requests for females This one is probably the the kindest. Yeah, he seems actually pretty nice that we've had of all our suitors Yeah, I might give this juggalo a chance. Yeah, we had to rank Christine. There's Dunnigan calling you Christine Thanks, Todd if we if I could rank my suitors it this guy is now at the top Yeah of the toothless Suitors. Yeah, there's a number of them. The whisperer was probably the worst

That guy that was whispering into his ladies. I was about to vomit when he had no teeth when he was. Oh my god Yeah, singing to her. Yeah, and he had the rotting teeth. Yeah, that was pretty bad That was that was the worst one. I But at least he wasn't a dick like he was trying to woo her Yeah, but the guy with the no teeth and he's always watching television and Oh, I can't please why are you doing this? I can't I Yeah, he's got bad toothies bad toothies bad

Now is it because there's like a big cringe factor. That's what's setting you off a little bit too Well, and it's so up close the camera work. They all have bad teeth, but I don't see it so close Yeah, it's he's it's true. You might like whispering and singing in her ear Yeah, it's really Yeah, yeah, so you're saying that bothers you some That's the top the top nastiest really. Well I just I don't here's the deal here's the deal man if I That guy's nasty as fuck too. You hate that guy

But this guy will really insist on romancing me and singing to me my favorite part by the way Whenever I talk to blue band about these videos This guy because you know a lot of people we don't have names. Yeah, he'll just heal Blue blue bank just goes. Um, oh, I got some more of the I'll make you come guy So he calls him the I'll make you come guy Even though we've played countless videos. I'm like because I always know who he's talking about. I'm like, I know that guy Yeah, he's they all make you come No, no

Nope You know what we should do is when our guest gets here. Yeah, let her see all these and then she has to choose Yeah, that's a good idea. She will go with well I got a suitor that I want you to check out actually. Nope just before she gets you because I want your Real take on it. Okay So this guy God is a uh, he's having a conversation Who we he's having a conversation right now? We can't hear the other side of it

But there's somebody actually talking to him. So he's not making a recording As a pitch he's actually In conversation and we have a recording of just his side of it. Oh my life. So you have to imagine What the other is saying but it's It it really gets going. I mean just just imagine Who's on the other side of this and what they're saying because here's what he is saying. Okay You would be required to to make daddy come Is that understood

And it would be done in a way that you want to do either with your body Or a friend of yours. That's a girl that you can sell a picture and say daddy stroke to her All right, or a video that you found or Something that you think Will make daddy squirt But that is like a hundred percent on your shoulders I trust that that my baby will know daddy well enough To know

How to get daddy to come That's a big responsibility for you How do you feel so far? You know that theme we play when josh potter comes. Yeah, that woman crying. Yeah, that's how I feel Really, I don't like that one at all. You don't like it. It's so gross, babe. What's the part you don't like? Just everything that guy's a scary I don't like it is making sure you're always safe. No, thank you sure you're always secure Making sure your daddy's there 24 hours a day for you making sure you're not making stupid mistakes

All right, making sure that your grades are good Making sure that your relationships in your life are solid And making sure that when you melt down and have a bad night I am there all night long with you Sounds like a little Not healthy fantasy about I don't like it Well, here's a neat thing though if you want to look on the bright side

He checks a lot of the boxes of a great video for this show background is horrendous The background is a disaster And I think dr. Drew if he were here would be like This guy might have a little sense of delusion going on lots of it Yeah, it doesn't appear that he has a headboard or any kind of framing on the bed. He's a mattress on the floor It doesn't look like he has even a nightstand there are just boxes or books and things on the floor Why do you need so many nightstands? I mean, where does he put like his glass of water or his phone?

It's right there on the floor just a bunch of shit on the ground. Uh, he's lit from the computer screen um It's tear at least he has a shirt on which is disappointing. It's really disappointing just this would be a rock and roll hall of fame or if you were shirtless He has his teeth Again bummer upsetting But he's uh, he's kind of much scarier than the other guy He's demonic and and it seems like he wants to own somebody the ask is is really a lot. Yeah

The ask is too much. I love that you get that will surpass Anything you've gotten because it's unconditional. It's not based on how you look It's not based on your performance intimately. It's not based on Your makeup before your clothing or where you live or your upbringing. It's based on You being my baby and me being responsible for making sure you're always okay

That seems nice all this to make him come Everything is related to coming right. It's so elaborate like it's just to make him come. It never stops. It never Oh Yeah, like do you realize How much energy this man is putting towards getting what he needs Just to have a good orgasm and he's not a young guy You're he's not old right? He's not an elderly man in his 50s. I'm guessing So it's is coming really that big of a priority

It is I think it's interesting though that the late like To him he doesn't want to go out to a bar And and or introduce to a woman and who could make him come because That woman's not going to be he he needs it to be a submissive. He needs a baby. Yeah, he's a specific daddy So he's got like a really interesting Psyche that and mind game that needs to happen in order to feel. Yeah, this is definitely a druphy I'm gonna put this on the list. Yep

Okay, do you love the idea of having the daddy there for you? I'm gonna fucking puke. Okay. Can we stop this? Is there more is if all my time is with you You got to take care of daddy's cock. Okey-dokey. I'm done. Thank you Because it sounded like a nice pitch for a second. It was like I'll always be there for you no matter what You know all these things but then he He tagged it with you got to take care of daddy's cock You know, okay This is what you need to decide

Because I can't spend all my time with you Shut off every other baby that's interested and then Not get emptied on a regular basis. Oh, there we go. That's not get emptied on a regular because what will happen is is we'll talk and daddy will get hard And you should sense that and know that and know. Okay. I need to fix daddy Yeah, it's real weird. He's so creepy. Why is it got to be in the terms of daddy? I don't fucking like it and his skin looks like it's going to peel off and he does have bad skin Which again bonus

It looks like really A shirt, but you do have really bad skin It really enhances the look more the part that daddy's I got it. I got it This is daddy gets mad at you. I know for reasons. I shouldn't be mad at you So this is where you need to at least be mature enough even in training Yeah to accept that responsibility As well as accept the rules the daddy will set for you. Such a big responsibility. What fucking website is this? This is not how you normally

Court people jeez. I thought a craigslist ad used to suffice and this guy's got Real demands happening. I mean how you turned on Like I think my vagina just it sewed itself shut. It just imploded on itself How I don't understand I really don't understand how these people have so much time about what makes them come and the Specificity of what makes them come. It's like, oh, come on. Yeah, just stop being fucking weird You know what I mean that guy's pretty weird. Oh, he's so nasty Todd Yeah, again, and he also does the same thing that the four the four stroke guy does

Where he repeats himself. He's like you have to make daddy come like, yeah, we know asshole He come forward. It's just a little limp dick A horde Yeah, he keeps repeating like I got it, bitch That's how I feel. I think that was the other side of the conversation. Yeah As he was doing it, he's like gotta make daddy come hard. She's like, I know I can count myself. Listen, yeah Okay, no, I don't like him anymore. This is what you do Besides because I can't spend all my time with you

Shut off every other baby that's interested. Yeah, and then yeah, you know, I don't like him You know, but you know what that's like, tom when you're interviewing babies And they all get your heart and none of them are getting you off like you want and you're like, which one of you babies is gonna jack my dick And it's so frustrating when they don't right It is frustrating And I want you to understand this is the agreement. I'm gonna be there for you, but you got a sense when I'm hard This is like a reasonable thing the adult baby people which we've we've featured before on your mom's house Uh, the woman who likes to be the baby and then the guy, you know pushes her around in a fucking pram or whatever

They love it. People love this stuff. That's true. Hey, um, guess what? We didn't play all the uh How how amazing regennas video effects face? Excite mine mine's on the christina p right now on instagram if you want to see the one there's a couple that didn't get played You're kidding. No, or at least one. Do you want to see it? Are you kidding me? It's what I live for. Okay, look Good morning, julia That's terrifying. That's me as joe. Yeah, that's extra terrifying. Yep. Wow. Good morning, julia Oh Geez

Did we play the urin anima? We did right? Let me see. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think no everybody. Yeah, okay rain I'm gonna give myself a urin anima um People are still continuing To send in their look-alike shots, you know, I get so many of garth. No. No people who I look just like oh, right? Yeah, right Tom, you know

Like twin photos, you know This guy If you're not subscribing to your mom's house on youtube, please do so immediately so that you can see these photos People are sending tom photos. They're like you look just like this guy happening. The the story is this it's been happening It's been happening on twitter emails instagram people are like dude My fucking friend is your twin Or like my brother looks just like you guys are exactly your doppelganger And what will be the same is that it's a human male

With facial hair with a beard. Yeah, well that guy. Oh that guy looks nothing like you Hey, man, we're twins. Hey, like I looks nothing like Tom. They never do they never that last guy looked a little bit I can see why he had the dark circles under his eyes I mean, but you're talking about some features But people are like you gotta see this like you're gonna get freaked out. Okay. What is it? It's a guy with a beard. I'm like, okay You guys look exactly alike. No, we don't he's got hands. You've got hands. Oh, oh These are just a bunch of dudes and panties tight pants. Which one's you again the black guy?

Um, well, that's where you're looking. I know. I know. Oh, I know. Oh, I know Talk to my shrink about it. We've already cleared it up. Oh totes this one. I've gotten a lot This dj. Oh, yeah, that that one's reasonable von stroke. Yeah, that's reasonable It's reasonable enough, especially when I'm in the dj gear So like here he's wearing sunglasses and a hat and a black t-shirt And I'm wearing sunglasses and a hat and a black t-shirt and we both have beers with similar. All right. I get it But I mean come on most of the time I mean, it's just a guy

It's not your twin if it's just a guy now and that doesn't work That's most people's criteria. You know, people always say I look like a some actress that plays super girl I get sent that one a lot. I'm like, I maybe if I was 20 years younger Yeah I'm like way cuter. I think she's a little bit cuter than me I got a bend over. Fuck Um, why did you play that fucking daddy come guy now? I'm all traumatized. Are you God

Yeah, I don't like that stuff, man Um, here's an email. Hey tim and krista. I keep calling. I keep telling garth to fart on his balls every instagram post I've even asked for his paypal so I can contribute to his cause but nothing has gained Maybe once the mommies get his attention and he agrees to come on the palm cast You can both fart on each other's balls That would be my dream come true. What's wrong with you? Who's writing this? Thanks for everything you do truly a mommy fan. Piss on me and try it out as I come stroke four times Love you guys travis from british columbia

You think if we could get garth on the show, which would be a dream come true that we would be like let's fart on each other's balls Yeah, of course. That's what everybody wants to do. There's no way that would happen That's what everybody wants to do with garth brooks. That's why he's so famous. Don't you know? He meets all of his fans after his arena shows and then he farts on all their balls. Okay Hmm. Okay, here's another email like you wouldn't do that. I would not Says dear tanya and cristobo. I'm messaging in regards to the harry boy Who didn't like the toilet paper supplied by his college? Yes I was once in the same shoes as him as a fair low harry bear

harry boy I noticed the half ply bargain shop rolls would terrorize my tush and destroy my dupa So I came up with a unique and cost-effective solution Use the handicap showers There were no handicap folks in my dorm So I would simply use the toilet for my dookies before showering then Simply use the handy dandy movable shower head to spray a geyser of pressurized water up my koolo Thus cleaning my harry ass

Deeper than any toilet paper could ever dream of try it out. Mwah hunter. Oh, no, they added a muah now Some walls are signed. Ah, that's brilliant. Speaking of those Um The julia full throttle stuff has obviously gone full throttle. Um, thank you so much for The uh, the shirt purchases everybody love those the socks should be up now If they're not checked back in a couple days. They're good morning julia socks with uh fans on them and um, And literally hundreds of videos come in and we just can't play them all but we did a few other select One thing before we continue on this. Yeah, go ahead

Nothing makes me happier in life. I think in just in general As when silliness is taken very seriously The fact that every now and then you'll be like, oh my god, you won't believe how many people are Purchasing the good morning julia or the full throttle shirts And it gets it makes me laugh so much and it brings so much joy to my heart because in a world of just You know what? I mean real stupid real things something like this taking on and and making people happy. Yeah It's great. It's just warms me. Yeah, it's really great, right? Yeah, the show is so fun It's so stupid find silly things and then get people excited and it's so exciting. Yeah, it's so exciting

That is it really is people like and we all we're all in the same stupid job. I just like it I like it too. I like it too. Thanks Mila. Okay. What do we have here's a couple more? Good morning, joe. It's me melissa. So tired meeting you yesterday outside of the home depot Was the greatest moment of my life There's a fan. It's been sticking in my mind The way you said that you were thinking about making another video for julia I told you go racy from your past racy from your memory You know, sometimes we think somebody's the right fit for us

We meet them outside of a gym We exchange phone numbers. We give off creepy vies, but see myself having a future with you falling in love with you And I think we should go full throttle wish you a happy holiday And uh, you know, again, let's go full throttle ciao It's very cute melissa With the message to joe. Yeah To maybe

Get over his past Here is uh, michael Good morning, julia I want you to open up your heart Or I can do it for you either way Just wanted you to know that I can't wait to weigh your skin on my skin And weigh your face onto my face And uh, you know, I know you wanted to go back to your ex-boyfriend

And I'm just telling you now you can't All right, you won't be able to find them. I mean I have my own you for the rest of my life I'll never let you go And I can't wait for you to be in my basement I built with my bare hands Anyways, babe. I just want to let you know that uh I'm uh, have you in my grasp. Whatever. All right. Love you. Ciao The the infamous moise and one last one here. This is from rena. There he is

Just sitting here all tired on the couch You know Got me wrapped around your finger, you know that juice And uh, I got 100 on an 87 Comments today about you Jules and uh, this love is real I can feel it If you can feel it too

This guy he's done a few right? This is what what's his name? I think that's Raymond. This guy's hilarious. Yeah, Ray. We've got a whole new Good morning, Julia Lane now with this third ymh exclusive release courtesy of Julia herself if you have not heard this episode Uh, Julia herself gave us A video no one's ever seen before and it was a ymh exclusive of joe laying on his couch in the dark It's horrendous. It'll make you want to vomit Uh, you gotta try it out He does his laugh to himself

He's disappointed I got me wrapped around your finger You you got you're cute. You're cute. You're cute you you're cute Uh, this episode of your mom's house. Oh, I'm not I'm supposed to do this. Uh, we got this whole thing I have to pee too. I know okay one second. Let's do this We'll be back to talking about farts and dicks after this quick break All right Oh my gosh, I miss her. She's my favorite fart. Uh, are you gonna pee? Yeah, I gotta pee so I just so much

All right. I got it. All right. Go pee go pee. Okay. All right. Well, this is um, man, this is This is so fucking good Um, what you got son? So with the you know every time One of these things gets big on our show fart simpson Makes a prank call. Yes. He made one for joe. Oh god, this gets better and better. It's so funny I feel like I should mute our lines. Yeah, I want to listen so you can like really enjoy it. Um So here he is again always crushing what the prank calls but this one is a smash. It's it's fart simpson With the uh, joe doing a

Call Hello, this is uh, kevin the store manager. May I help you? Hey kevin My name is burt calling in regards for my father. Uh, I heard that you're hiring So, uh, my dad's been a handyman 35 years now. Oh, okay, uh, burt. What's your dad's name? Here, I'm gonna put you on the phone Maybe you can just tell him a little bit more about the job. His name is joe Oh, okay. Awesome. Okay Good morning. Me joe. Hello joe. I'm a very handy guy. Oh, okay

Just wanted to say I built everything every square inch from crown mold into chair rail Perfect. Yeah to floors to lighting to plumbing doors windows. So this is the type of guy you're getting Okay, I'd love to build you whatever you want. I just want you to know that Yeah, let's make it happen um So open up your heart to me in your arms. Have you turned? You don't know how beautiful you are to me Yeah, I mean just you're gorgeous. You're precious. I'll cherish you. Have you turned in an application? I will love you like you've never been loved before

Uh, uh, come in your sweetheart. Let's go full throttle Okay, okay, and I look forward. Um going out to dinner with you Come in and see he and he's the uh, he's the one that's handling all the incoming and outgoing People so I could see me falling in love with you. Anyhow, I'll make you feel like a woman a real woman Okay, joe Baby Can we hear it again? I have to hear it one more time. This is my favorite thing I've ever heard Oh my god

Fucking Bart Simpson. God damn it. My guy's reaction He's like, okay. He's totally so so sweet. He's like, uh-huh. Oh my god. I want to pull up to I think uh Oh my god. I'm dying. Please. I need to hear it again. I think he He actually emailed me that part. Um So funny I didn't realize how much the stupid stuff joe list that he's built until I heard I didn't realize like how much he says You're like, oh, that's crazy. Who says that in like a According video like I built all this shit. Have you turned it this this this stuttering?

He has you turned it Because he's throw so thrown by a guy being like I could see myself falling in love with you Let me treat you like a woman. He's like, all right. Okay. Yeah, and you'll open up your heart And your arms your arms to me Oh my god Please again, all right. I just want to give a shout out to his site fart simpson dot bandcamp.com For his uh prank call masterful this one masterful this one takes

All right, let's hear it again. Let's hear it again. Let's hear it again. Let's hear it again Hello, this is uh, Kevin the store manager. May I help you? Hey, Kevin. My name is Bart calling in regards for my father Heard that you're hiring. So, uh, my dad's been a handyman 35 years now Oh, okay. Uh, burr. What's your dad's name? Here, I'm gonna put you on the phone. Maybe you can just tell him a little bit more about the job. His name's joe Oh, okay. Awesome. Okay Good morning. Me joe. Hello joe. I'm a very handy guy. Oh, okay Just wanted to say I built everything every square inch from crown mold into chair rail

Perfect. Yeah to floors to lighting to plumbing doors windows. So this is the type of guy you get Okay, I'd love to build you whatever you want. I just want you to know that Okay, yeah, let's make it happen um So open up your heart to me in your arms. Have you heard how beautiful you are to me? I mean just you're gorgeous. You're precious Yeah, have you turned in an application? I will love you like you've never been loved before Uh, uh, come in your sweetheart. Let's go full throttle. Thank you. Okay. Okay

I'm going out to dinner with you Well, come in and see he and he's the uh, he's the one that's handling all the gay ones So many people so I could see me falling in love with you anyhow. I'll make you feel like a woman a real woman Okay, Joe child, baby. Okay, buddy He's like, okay, okay, he's like, yeah He's have you filled out an application? God that was perfect. Those are the perfect fucking Oh my god, that's a perfect

You know, I always think like what would I say if I were on the receiving end of a call like that Like what would you how would I think like what would you do? You'd be like, oh my god, what? You know I don't know what I would do if I was at work. Someone call me like that Make you feel like a real woman Okay Man, that fucking hurt. Yeah, my face. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time Um, except for yesterday when we recorded another show

Thank you fart Thank you fart simpson Open up you hot to me in drums Okay, poor handyman store guy the chair He talks about so many dump like listening to the list now. I'm like, oh my god This guy's that's what he was trying to impress julia with right it's all of it, but it's so it's windows plumbing Yeah, like what are you doing? Maybe like keep talking

God you did the windows so hot Right it's such a strange Wooing tactic it really in in his mind when he lists all those things. Yeah, what's going on? Right. He's turning you on. Yeah And that's his but that's his angle. He's like look I can't go for looks, you know, he's not he's not going to be like I'm the hottest guy in town I'm not the richest guy in town. Right Uh, but I wake up really early and I build a lot of shit. Right. That's crazy. He's crazy

I really am excited now Crazy to get our guests to check out these different men And get her take on them, you know, I can't even imagine. I believe she's single. Maybe she'll be interested You know, I think she probably gets these in real life Maybe we can ask her she's single and she's in the public. Oh, and if she if her dms are open There's definitely some crazy shit. Yeah Yeah, yeah, let's just think she might actually seem like oh, I remember him. I know this guy Yep. Yeah, tooth guy. Well, it should be here. She should be here momentarily

Why don't we just take a quick a little break here? Okay, and um, you know We'll be uh I'll be right back. What a cutie. All right Okay, we're back and you you just said you'll be careful not to kick the tripod But also we don't have to worry about it because this is the last episode we're doing here. You're the last guest ever So I hear um, okay, but I still still shouldn't hit that. You still shouldn't do it. Yes I would appreciate that you don't do it. I mean, it's not it's not just because it's the last one doesn't mean that it Should still wobble not wobble. Don't break my shit

Yeah, you're moving. Yeah. Oh, have you showed people your news sleek now? No, they haven't seen it yet. Oh, dude It's so cool. So beautiful slick stuff. Neat stuff. Neat stuff raw stuff. Yes. It's so exciting your Lives are the greatest lives really of anyone I know and I'm just projecting everything that I want your lives to be onto you It's cool stuff slick stuff neat stuff. Yes. What's that from? That's garth garth bro The one and only We relentlessly attack and everyone's like he's so nice But you say that but I'll tell you this and I thought this the other day at the comedy store And then Christina the same same thing you said the same thing you I feel like

You have you're putting off very My life is good vibes. I get like that. You got your shit. Yeah, I think you're winning. What's going on? You have winner vibes. I Feel it I feel good and a lot of people tell me that that they get that sense from me. Yeah, but um, I am definitely on I hope it's a trajectory because I'm not where I want to be yet. Like, you know, it's it's an I'm going up But and so it's looking good. Yeah, but I'm not there yet in terms of like Are you talking strictly career or just mean life and in all in all in all senses, but also career career actually Like I'm very happy if it doesn't get any better. It's fine

But it's definitely going to get better. Yeah, that's just where it's going and that seems fine, too But um, I just remembered that when I not I saw you the other day But like a few months ago, I saw you at the store and you're like, I'm about to do this thing that'll probably I just can't and I was like what and you're like, I'm and I was like, what is it? And it was like the next day or two days later. I saw on instagram. I was like niki's on dancing with It was so random. I'm like, I know Wait, how does that come about? I got a call from you know, the call you get from your agent and manager The double call the double call. I got a double call right after I'd finished doing radio

Especially for a big offer and they're like just we're just calling you together because Making sure you're gonna definitely send 10 to both Oh, yeah, I've never even thought about it that way. I don't get many offers. Unfortunately, but But at a point in my career where things are going well when I get the double call I know it's going to be good news as opposed to bad. No one's calling to drop me right now That that'll come because I don't know where this goes away, but they don't do a double That'll come when you guys get old like 45 46 But they don't do a double for the firing. That's when they pick one cowardly guy to do that

Sometimes they don't tell you at all. True. True. That's another way. Did you get dropped like that once? I got I got dropped like that once. Yeah, I got a I got dropped by an agent Who switched agencies like they're just like, oh, he's gone. I'm like, but doesn't even just send the like no I have I enjoyed my time working with you. I'm moving like How easy is that to just keep a connection there where now and now you see them and you're like Hey, man. Oh, there are so many people like that that just so weird when you when you're coming up and you're nobody And they treat you badly because you're nobody and then now they're not like I mean it's the most cliche thing, but it happens

You see it so much and I just go you're fake because you were mean to me last time and subbed me What's fascinating is that I always I just always caught me now We're we're doing this a while but it's that you go like that Decorum that way of being like treating someone is not it doesn't exist in any other business You know, I mean like if you worked in finance or sales and like a manager moves on you would call like your Team and be like I enjoyed working with you. I'm leaving to work at this other company There's almost a form letter for that like you there's a way to that's conducting business in that business

And that's just respectful But that's so funny the rules that we do all have to adhere by which is um You know managers don't poach like they have certain rules like that but they have their own but agents can't it's game on Game on that is so weird to me that There's this unsp... it's not it's an unwritten rule, but it's a rule that with managers You can't talk to another manager if you currently have a manager, but the agents don't adhere to that rule It's not the same rule. Why does that not go for both of them?

I think because the managers accept that they're supposed to be Your partner and slash friend. Well, they're the long haul. It's the long haul. Yeah The agents accept that this is all a contract. It's a numbers thing. I'm here making money And it's more blood in the water personal. It's family. That's supposed to be that's where it's supposed to be Yeah, okay. Well, that makes sense. Yeah, the agents are just the agents are vicious dysfunctional families Yeah, I know And that's also the tactic is like we're family now. So that way they get away with murder with you It's gross business. Yeah, I

I recently had to leave someone that I didn't have a problem with it was just like time to move on And nothing personal no like it's so hard. It was so hard, but she handled it So incredibly just no bitterness and you get worried in those situations Yes, it's like when you break up with someone and they're mean you're like, oh, I'm glad I broke up with you because you're an asshole But um, she was just like and I'm like you're one of the good ones. I'm glad that I knew it was such a It made me feel so good. She's smart because guess what? I might come back around like yeah, of course and people change jobs and change all the time people changes That's why I always tell people when they don't get picked for this thing or that thing in our business

It's like do don't worry the gatekeepers change every few years every if you don't get this thing now Guess what that person's gonna go somewhere else and that person's gonna get hired that might like you yep So wait a little bit longer. I actually nice. Yeah, be cool. I know of like Assistance and like doorman who are executives of course or adam divines adam divines doorman became adam divine Right. He was a doorman at the improv. Yeah, I didn't know that but that's true. I mean like anyone working out for him Yeah, I hear he's doing all right People changes. He's always been the sweetest sweetest. He has always been a sweet. Yes. Yeah always the sweetest That's the advice I always give up and coming comedians

Um when they you know, they ask you for advice that the mc is working for your Or a guest set it's like can I get some advice which I'm always annoyed by because I never did that to anyone No, I never asked comedians for advice. Did you guys do that? Did you ask them to watch your sets? No? Okay, here's who I did it to though. Okay. Phyllis Diller All right phyllis already 90 she was nice. She's old. I read her book and I was so inspired I sent her my set and I wrote her a letter and fucking three days later Phyllis Diller called me what gave me notes on my act And it forever changed what I was doing and everything changed for me. Oh my god. She was the nicest lady

That's so cool old as shit at that point. Yeah, that's super sweet. I'll tell you what's very rare Horrific now because of like accessibility and social media people send. Hey man, I did stand up for the first time And they'll go will you watch it and also do you have any ideas or feedbacks how I could work on that? I'm like that makes that much work. You're asking me to do right now. I know Once a week someone asks us that all of us that sends their first time on stage, but I always tell comics like Don't you know the the classic advice is do it as much as you can do it Go any go up anytime you can keep your eyes open to comedy around But I think essentially the best advice to give a young comic is be cool to be around

Be a fun hang get the comics weed when they come to town offer to drive them places Just be don't be annoying, but like hey if you need anything I'm your guy and just be cool Because even if you're a mediocre comic and there's better comics than you that are annoying I will bring you on the road as a mediocre comic if you're a funny if you're a fun hang And then by bringing on the road you'll get to be great because you'll get more stage time So it's like just be cool that and observe the fucking etiquette of comedy For instance, if you're invited into the headliner's green room, don't just bring your friends or your girlfriend or some other fucking person

One for me. Oh, like you're done When like people bring Like what are you doing? You're not invited. Like they have a few friends with them. I'm like, are you out of your mind? This isn't yours. Yeah, this is no. No, this is a no Man, that's that's your big one. I know you fucking hate that or the chatty. Are you insane? No, I know when I mc'd shows I would never be like hey guys come back with me into the Wouldn't there occur to me? No, I would never even step foot in the green room without like I'm still working clubs. So it's like

having you know The green you walk you go to a place in the green room is the office No, it's their office. Oh, I've done that. I know you're talking about, you know, grand rapids We were there together. I was just thinking about you the bob They're walking hyenas hyenas. Yes in dallas. Oh, that is you are in the way Literally a fax going on by There's like still a fax machine. Do they still do the shot contest? Um, yes. Oh, yes, dude. I lost my mind Oh my god. It's been so long since I've been there. I lost my mind. Oh boy on the shot contest

So for people that don't know This was the crazy part too is that the mc goes up does 10 the feature Does 20 and kills and if you are Headlining a show you go. I want to ride the wave like this is what he's supposed to do He's setting up the show. Yeah, they go. All right, and they're like, all right, man. Great bring me up First we're gonna do the blowjob shot contest. That's the craziest And then they brought a table on stage set up shots Brought up four people hands behind their back put your mouth over the shot hop back

All right, so I go. Hey, man. Could you not do that again all weekend? And he's like why and I was like because it's terrible and I don't want to be a part of it and he's like We always do it. I go. I know but I don't want anyone. He's like, you're the only person that's ever complained. I go. No, I'm not I'm the only person that's ever complained to you. Yes. I go everyone. I'm sure it talks about it And he's like, uh, I just I don't know why you're so upset about it I'm like because you're ruining the show. I go if you insist on doing it

How about you do it between the mc And the feature yeah, fuck up. He'll kill the momentum of the show This guy was like, man, you're really like fired up about this Then he brings in the other guy and the guy's like, well, here's the here's why we do it Oh, and then you have to listen because the people who are who're doing their shots they each pay Uh, like 50 bucks to do that to like be part of the show and do a shot And so it it pays for my mc all week. So I'm like, I don't care Take the hit. Yeah. Yeah, $50 a pert. I'm like, all right, man

I go, well, I just want you to know how much I hate that you do this And he's like, okay. All right He kept doing it They they are so stuck in their ways and when you ever try to inject like hey I do this for a living and I've met a different in other places And I've seen the way it works and it works better when you do it this way like Something as simple as when they start a show and they're like Give it up for your like, are you guys ready to have fun tonight? Give it up for your headliner nicky glazer

First of all, I don't like when they go. She's in the building letter here. She's backstage. I'm like, don't tell them where I am And you can do better than that I actually oh my god, I tell them to say that I do I tell the mc I go get them to do a second round because I it's never enough like it's never not enough There it is like I like I like that you can do better when I'm about to be brought up But in the beginning of the show before the mc ever comes up, they go give it up for your other nicky glazer Everyone thinks I'm coming to stage There's a huge applause because a lot of people haven't been to comedy shows don't know how it works

That's right And then they go through the whole roster and they go and you're featured act and it's like they don't know who this is Stop acting special shout out to our sponsors Hampton in and the limo guys But it's just so awkward to sit across from my feature in the green room who has just heard crazy applause for my name Because that's who they came to see and then they have to begrudgingly and then he already he feels weird And so I've told them just can you just say the headliner probably like they'll meet him Have you played the clubs where they pre-record it and they they they have they have the uh

Headliners name recorded, but they don't know who their mc is so it'll go It's a pre-recorded and go and give it up for your mc And that's it So then the mc's like it's my name come And then they walk up and they're like oh Oh my god That's the only more horrible thing is when they have the pre-roll to the whole event and it's like Are you ready for this

And then it's like clips from like Wayne's world and you're like I get it and there's like Billy Madison and then mighty ducks. I'm like, what are you pulling from? I have the best one. There's two great ones Okay, there's the comedy zone in Jacksonville, Florida Or it's The twilight zone theme and then the strobes And then uh side there's like 20 people in a room And they're like when you are not drawing and that kind of bombastic opening. Yeah I can't see my nachos. Yeah, we can skip that tonight guys. There's 20 people

Don't need it. So my favorite by far is when there's there's a female act. There's side splitters in Tampa Bobby Jewel And they they run a montage of women's stripping in movies and they're like you can leave your head on That's the song And it's a montage like demi more in the stripper movie and this chick stripping and that chick stripping And welcome to the stage nicky glazer and you're like they just saw A fucking montage of women with their clothes off and now they're expected to respect me telling them jokes

Oh, have you ever nuts that you're so they that I would hate that so I hate being sexualized on stage by the audience in any way worse It happens And usually it doesn't happen, but any time you take off your jacket Someone's gonna go And even if a guy does it I have to say they but I will literally go i'm about to take off my jacket Well, will you guys please not go whoo like no one I just can we all even women just agree to not I just hate it a lot. I just beg them and they can't not

Do it. I love it. They can't come on off and then I feel weird because I feel like I'm trying to be sexy And then I feel like vulnerable If it makes you feel any better, they do the same thing to me. That's what I was going to say I think they do it to men too and because of but like to me when they're doing it. They're like Anna because of this podcast every time I take a sip of water Just a round of applause because it was the waterchamp of our show and that's bananas not that I actually enjoy that Yeah, yeah, because I am the waterchamp inside joke, but yes, but yeah, and every show I go to like even in theaters They go like bird's fat

They yell it and I'm like, all right. Hey hitler. To be fair. They yell that at my shows too. They do. Yeah It's kind of something you can't ignore. He's really fat. He's very good. Oh, they just and racist Yeah Chrysler comes barging in here right on time. Well done Bert. Thank you very much. I'm feeling fantastic 100% sober I've given up drugs and alcohol entirely and I'll never go back and I believe I'm supposed to introduce you as the world's most racist committee Thank you for sending that I think that's uh 98 uh fm in uh phoenix Wow, I think and he didn't It's really caught on

And then he said that news people And then and then what really happened that made us like I we just started blocking anyone that did it was because you just had to Because there was no fixing it was uh news outlets started going. What's the story here? That's the story. Here's uh follow me Bert's details. I want to go live with this Oh It's everywhere when I did radio when I was in a Philly those uh, what's up forget the president steve Yeah, they were like, what's up with bird?

It's really caught fire and I couldn't be happier bird is the most racist fat comedian Oh It's just glad that I'm glad it's getting out, you know It's important. You know the louis stuff. Everyone was like we've always heard whispers of it now Everyone knows we can all talk about it. This is the bird is fat and racist thing. It's been Whispered about four years And now everyone knows it's kind of cool. Hey, are you single right now? Nikki? I am we have A lot of single men suitors if you will suitors and we wanted to get your take

Okay Maybe what's working? What's not who you're into who we could maybe connect you with okay if you're interested So I'll give you a few you tell me like turned on Uh, do you want the number let those digits scale on one to ten? Also want the follow-up on baguette. I didn't forget last time you told us about baguette. Oh, right You said I have so much to tell you guys. Okay. Well, don't forget to tell us about baguette. Well baguette You told us what the last thing was what the story was the last story was this Baguette is a comic in new york

That's your nickname for somebody and you were like friends and you guys would always like jokingly like you know Kind of flirt and then you were like let's hook up and then he made some excuse or something And then you're like so what what's up with that like what was he thinking and then that's how we got to know We just we just guessed we didn't know right i'm curious Wait, you didn't know that we you don't know the next step No, you did nothing that happened with oh at that point nothing at that point you're like he left me high and dry Okay, uh, we hooked up. Oh Yeah baguette and I hooked up and and um

so Okay, this It was um, I I was so frustrated this night It was like one of the best nights of my life career wise and I was like the bell of the ball And I'm at a party and he's there too and I'm like we're both in a different city And we're staying at the same hotel and I'm like I look Greater than I will ever look I'm peeking that night And he's just kind of like milling about the party and we're making eye contact here and there and being like hey, you know

but it uh It just he just was talking to everyone else but me. I'm sitting alone at this party It's tort near the end of the night and there's this girl sitting next to me and And I'm like this. I was like I that guy over there like we have been flirting I've like got a semi kind of dick pic from him things are happening and he will not come talk to me Like look he's talking to some two guys that he doesn't even know I'm like what's going on She's like honey if you can't get late tonight, none of us can I was like I know I'm wearing this dress and like I'm dressed to the tens like I'm dressed as cute as I can

I did tv that night like it's I'm peeking at your hair I couldn't do better and I was the bell of the ball for this thing that I did So like everyone the party is celebrating the thing for you. Right. It's like my it's her night. It's her by mitzvah Yeah, it just felt like that, you know like and I felt like the prom queen watch that tripod So gosh, I got to watch the try very um So finally we make eye contact and I kind of give a look like What are you doing like at this point? I've been bitching about him to this girl. I'm all worked up and I'm like, I'm done playing a cool I just go

Yeah, I flag him in Come over here Yeah, and he comes over and I'm like, what are you doing? Yeah, he's like, I don't know man I don't know and then I I'm like sit here talk to me So we talk for like 20 minutes and then he's like, I'm gonna go and I'm like, I'm gonna go too and I'm like, oh my god I'm gonna get like I'm about to go hook up for the first time in like ever like forever Sober having like I'm gonna maybe like get laid tonight and it's like gonna be a one night thing and it's just gonna be fun You gotta rush going you're feeling good

And listen, I will my rule for myself right now is not to like bang people Like I don't want to have Penises in my vagina. Yeah, like because I just get too attached and everything and I'm sober and change after you see these videos But keep going keep going. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So my rule is though I can always be convinced, right? Oh, if you get me worked up enough, I'm gonna be like we need to bang right now Right, right and the guy's like, let me just put the tip in and then you're like, exactly like, okay Like but if I want to have sex, I'm gonna have sex

But I just need to be convinced and boy, I can be convinced when I get horned up There's just my brain doesn't function like making logical choices. I just want it I want to tell you something. I was asked real quick. Yeah, there's a lot of men listen to this show a lot of times I have questions to get You is it conversation? Should they is it like just great chemistry? Do you point to anything in particular? We have to have a little bit of a Flirty history. Um, like there's got to be a little it's not going to be a one night thing

There's going to be a little bit of texting flirting going on and then in person play the long game Not super long like yeah, but you have to acknowledge that you are desperate to bang me I think that's just like I like nice thing to I like to feel Women just want to feel desire just make me feel like There's something special about me that you want me more than other people like even if it's a lie Just you know what just make me feel special make girls feel like The woman in the long december counting crow's song all at once across a crowded room You see the way the light attaches to a girl like make me feel like i'm the girl in the

Middle of a room that you just see that's how girls want to feel then In in terms of like hooking up to get to have sex with me We need more foreplay and I feel so cliche saying that as a woman like I feel like a 90s lady like more foreplay honey like I it's almost like It just doesn't feel good to me to say that but it's it just is true like we I need more I I just have a lot of times guys going in too soon where i'm like i'm not ready and That is the equivalent of like a girl grabbing your limp dick and being like come on like you don't like like

I'll let you know when i'm ready right just let's dry hump bring back dry humping right some over the jeans Finger action right Right, okay. There you go. Do you see I'm I'm no no I'll tell you why as a mother of two busy I got a lot of shit on my roster right I like to get in I like to get out I like getting in and getting out too, but when you're in my shoes though Do you relate to like a little bit if I were a single gal here's the thing Yes as a mother of two young children the window for nookie is so narrow It's like I I know when it's coming because I know we got it on the calendar

We're gonna do it tonight's the night so i'm thinking about it all day I'm like all right. We're gonna put the kids down and then I got this window. We got to do it Yeah, so i'm already thinking about it all day. So when it's time go time i'm like But even though let's pork man. Let's fucking fuck. I don't like to fuck around like that But you also in in in defense of what she's saying. Yeah, you'll still be like hey you want to warm it up a little bit Well, you're you gotta do you have to warm up the oven and and and I agree That's uh, that is nice to have someone who's attentive to that kind of stuff Yeah, I just want to be begging you to put yourself in me. I don't want you to be like let's go and me go

Okay, I want to be like Please I want to be begging for it. Sure. And um, and so I was hooking up with this guy We got back to we went back to our hotel We're on the same floor our hotel rooms are back to back. This is baguette. Wow baguette Hotel rooms are right next to each other. Perfect. I'm like I want to go to his because mine's a mess Like I'm like a slob on the road, right? Um, he's like some I have a buddy staying with me and I'm like Damn it really

Like I want to look up, but I really my room is disgusting and so I just I'm like give me a second Let let me go in I'm throwing things now. How disgusting do you get like you leave the room service trays? Are we talking coffee mugs next to the bed wrappers in bed and like just like stains on the like because I eat in bed So it just looks like I eat chocolate. I look like I'm shitting in bed like it's just gross I don't even flush the toilet sometimes. Yes. Yes. There's like pee in the toilet because I'm saving the environment Lazy and gross On the road I leave do not disturb up for the duration. Me too on vacation clean my room Me too. What's up? Like so me too

And at the end of it's emotional at the end of a work week in a hotel It looks like there was a robbery. Oh, yeah, it looks like there possibly could have been multiple assaults in the room It looks like a shelter. It looks like it should be on vacation for like 48 frat guys living there It's like vacation. It looks like take a photo for a magazine. Yeah, that is I relate to I haven't related to something more in a really long time something so specific that very specific And I tip wildly If you're cleaning my room at the end of the week, oh, yeah, me too. You're getting a lot. You're even when I was a future act I was like here's like oh wait. Yes. Yes, because it's gross. I'm gross to clean up after and I try to do a little

Good job of tidying for the maid. But yeah, and so I went in there and I missed a couple things. I think there was like a I left like out my um Vibrator type thing when he left I was like, oh, I was like out and I'm sorry you saw it, but who cares? I honestly should put that thing now. Let me ask you something when you if you travel with that Is it in your check-in bag or are you doing a carry-on with that in it? Um, it I don't have a vibrator. I have this thing called the womanizer and it like sucks your clit And so it doesn't if it turns on it's not going to be an embarrassing sound. What a name. I don't like the way I know it's the worst. So can't they make it something fun? You know women like hello kitty

That's a huge thing. Yeah, hello kitty vibrators because it takes the nasty out of it womanizer No, I know I'm sorry. So you put that in your carry-on or that goes in your I throw it in my checked but But I I would put it in my carry-on, but but I have no shame because if it turns on it's like very Like if yeah, I don't care if someone's it looks like an ear thermometer Like it's not a tsa touches it. That's not gonna I would laugh I would actually enjoy that if a tsa agent had to open it up and be like, uh, I'd be like it sucks my clit

Like I would just like say that to his face like very mad about actually just have a story out of it Because I same same along the same lines. I was traveling with my breast pump also very sexy Very sexy and I was like, oh god, what if tsa opens it and touches it with her fucking dirty Yeah, yeah, that is gross. Uh, oh in your checked stuff. You mean no carry on because it's a it's a device It's sensitive device. Yeah, but even if you check it sometimes they rummage through your bag You know you get that note that's like we've been here and you're like, I know because it's a Yeah, I travel with my scrum master and I a lot of times You know, I'll see them touch that. Yeah, what do you travel with? Do you travel with scrum master? Yeah, yeah

You put it underneath and it goes like right in your ass and then it comes back up and the vibration goes around the head Go ahead. Is that a real thing? No. Oh my god. It sounds great Around the vibrator was you realize you left it was out. Yeah the womanizer and then we just start making out We get to work And um, I have this new I like I really am gonna need to be convinced before I do anything to him Like I'm getting I need to get some stuff done or at least see the promise that something's sorry So is this is that etiquette? I've never it's been a million years. It's just a new rule for me Oh, okay, like he's got it given away so many

Comes like I've let so many guys come when they haven't done anything for me. Oh my god, then I'm tired of it I'm 34 and I just I don't believe I don't Just because I'm hooking up with a guy doesn't mean he gets to come anymore And that used to be my rule Like, you know, if you get to if you get to a guy to a point where he is thinking he's going to orgasm You a lot of girls feel obligated to bring about that orgasm because there's this blue balls Thing and you just feel like you're a bad woman. He's gonna be frustrated He's not gonna be able to get to sleep all these things like if he doesn't get to come and a lot of things

You guys don't deserve to come you didn't do anything. Wow to um, and and I love when you come I want you to come but if you're not even trying to make me come at all. No, you don't get it very one-sided You don't get it and guess what once you come. I know it's over people are like Well, just why don't you make him come and then have him go down on you and I'm like, um, because I don't believe in animal cruelty I wouldn't make a guy I I used to say this in my act But like after a guy comes he wants to shut me like a laptop like he doesn't want to like Keep fingering me. It's over. If a woman says that I'd be like, have you ever been with a guy before? That's not how it happens girls say that though. They they don't know but like she's got like real rules

But I feel that way too like after the lady does begok. You're I'm over it. I'm like, I'm oh good. Can we What's next? Oh, see I am like Still because girls can have like multiples. So like you can still be turned on enough to like maybe I can go again Sure, that's true. You need to do some kind of but I do relate to when you have had one that's like the one You're like I've time. Yes. So I do relate to that Yeah, so so you guys do it. So what happens? No, so I'm So we're hooking up and we're just making out and stuff But we're both really tired like really really like we've had long essays we both worked

And um and his heart's to he's okay. I'm like almost naked. I think I'm just like wearing a thong like that's it and he's in He still has his shoes on and like maybe a top hat like I didn't let him take off anything because I was just like You're I don't want you to think that you're gonna get anything out of this until you at least do something for me Good for you. And this guy definitely hasn't like put in the work before and he hasn't taken me out He hasn't done anything really he hasn't even courted you at all at all. So I'm just yeah, you had to fucking wave him over Yeah, fuck this guy. I really don't like him. So I just and he's a nice guy and he's so hot God damn it. He's so hot and so I was hooked and and I'm like, why am I not Turned on but I'm not I just know that I'm not gonna have an orgasm like I the

The fingering style wasn't my fave, but that's not his fault. He was doing a great job And he was trying but he was tired and also I require like a lot of work like I'm a lot of work And he wasn't nothing's sorry to interrupt but but nothing is worse than a bad fingering. Yes, that can grow in You're not even close. No, and but I don't expect someone to get that right. Yeah, that that is honestly, that's what I like See we're all different. I need to be like Violently fracked. Jeez. Are you kidding me? Well, a lot of guys wet cream I mean Eventually it leads to and then do they do they do they do the mouth move where they're like

Like into the mouth. What do you mean into the mouth? You know the porno and then they choke you with your own Yeah, listen, I'm not opposed to any of that stuff. Eventually down the road. The first time hook up though What it's on his mask. Okay, it's on his mask so Okay, so he's finger banging you it's not your style and it's nothing against like I would I'm I can't wait to hook up with this guy again because he has so much promise I just we were both tired and his heart wasn't in it and at one when I looked down and his heart not in it It makes me crazy because he knows I'm not gonna fuck him. Okay. Okay. He's pretty sure. He's pretty sure

I'm like I'm really making him work for it. Got you. Got you. Okay. He takes out his penis at one point I look down and it's out which is reasonable. I was fully like almost fully naked It wasn't like I was like, oh no, but his dick is out and I go, um Is it what you thought it was? Oh, yeah, it was it was great. It was good. Yeah, and I go Um, you're gonna need to put that away like it's not gonna be addressed yet Like I'll let you know, but it's not now so I made him put it away I don't like I don't like I actually like to be the one dominated so I did not like doing that Babe, yeah, she's just like put that away. It's not time for you yet

I know. Yeah. I mean, but like put like the Puerto Rican guy that I Thought would be my one nice thing. It was a similar thing where I was like, no I don't think so and to say no and you're right. The pressure is very high on us to continue with what you're doing. It's really It's hard to be like nah, that was harder for me to do the anal. This is the right To tell a guy to put away his dick when I was like, I'm just not I don't want to want it yet. I'll let you know Yeah, this is the everything. That's very immature. This is the fourth down. This is what I want to know How did he handle that? That tells you everything. That's true. He goes

Oh, he was he was like really like he was kind of like really like he couldn't believe it that I was gonna make him put Away, but he was understand this guy was so cool about all of this stuff. There you go. So cool. Great guy That's why I'm like I really do like this guy and I even told him I was like Listen, you have a great dick and I can't wait for this thing to be in me someday And it will be if you play your cards, right? Like I'm I'm looking very forward to that But it's it's just not tonight and I'm not even convinced I'm gonna like deal with it tonight like I might not even touch it because First of all, I don't have that much confidence in and at this point

Surely like four months ago whenever this one's five months ago. I've gotten way better at blow jobs since then But at this point I'm just like those aren't I'm not really like confident enough to be like Well, let me just do this and not confident enough to enjoy doing it Well, I mean that's kind of a special treat for somebody I always felt that that leaving out a guy a blow job Is harder than just being like just fucking that's why I know That's my struggle. Christina. Like that is my struggle It's because I always used to just go to sex because it was so much easy

It's the easiest thing but for some reason it has the most weight attached to it while your mouth is so intimate And really intimate. So you feel like with the Lakers, which would would you go mouth first or you would let What are you talking about? What's with which one all of them? Yeah After a game, they're clean. They're showered Babe, I would much rather just get banged out a bunch because at least you're getting something out of that I don't have like that's what I'm ending in my mouth. It's actually very uncomfortable That's what I do like giving a blow job to someone I love and care about. It's amazing It's so fun to do but or it can be it's not always but it can be

So you tell back at he's cool. He's cool about it. So cool about it And then do you end up you go back and then I think it takes he takes he took it out again I think and I go Which is again fine because we were really working up to some stuff and I just It was a mixture of me being like you don't deserve it and also I don't really want to do anything to you Like I'm not in the mood to suck a penis and I certainly am not in the mood to jerk you out Like I have no jerk off confidence. I don't I can't do that at all. Neither do I

So I'm not gonna do things. I'm not good at and so I'm just not gonna do anything to you And so I kind of at one point we were just like making out and it was kind of just get winding down, you know and I we just kind of go and he goes Do you just want to go to our separate hotel rooms and jerk off to this and I was like, yes He gets up doesn't have to put on anything because he has everything on He kisses me goodbye Leaves and he walks and I hear him go into his room and we both just stay in our I don't know if he jerked off

I just ate sun chips and watched in my feelings challenges the Drake in my feeling like that was I remember it was the night I saw kiki do you love me and I was like, what is this dance craze and I just watched it in bed And I was like, oh, yeah, I just hooked up too. It was weird So that was the end of it and um since then we we sext and stuff and we see each other out and about and there's like So much fun energy and it's still it's still very much on it's still alive. Oh, yeah Well, guess what? There's a little competition for baguette. Let me show you Some of the men of your mom's house It might

soon be In nicky's pants if you play your cards right here we go man, motherfucker we clown look just playing up in florida um I'm looking for my queen, you know, I'm saying she don't gotta be skin. She don't gotta be fat She can be anywhere in between. You know I'm saying I just need some mad motherfucker wiki jugglet. Love, you know, I'm saying Him yo Well, okay, so she doesn't have to be fat or skinny, but she has to be a jugglet. Yeah

Are you into icp or I don't know I don't know you that well I don't feel like he really sees me. Okay. You know what I mean? What? I don't don't feel seen fair enough Well, do you see his lack of teeth? What do you think about those? Fagot chompers Okay, I've been on here. I've been polite. I've been kind I've been honest, this is sear. Yeah Well, I like to have some right on my lips I would like to have

Some titties around my face. I would like to have some sex Okay, those are three different things, but also This will probably appeal to you I like to have a woman in my home Like I make a love to throw out like one of these young men or these little boys They get their cells off and then oops, they don't care about their partner Okay, just talking about Hold on, I'll make you come. Oh, that's so ghoulish

Hey last lady. Hey blue man make sure you you ISO niki's face When he says I'll make you come because it's in my memory forever It's almost a threat. It's You know what I just noticed too, Tommy I got it. This is ASMR Speaking of love Tell me about it. We're fascinated. I I love it so much Yeah, like you it's I

Yeah, it's tell people what it is. Okay, so It's auto sensory meridian response. I think is the ASMR, but it's this feeling that you get when you hear there's certain Sound stimuli that make you feel a tingling in the back of your head that kind of goes down your spine and gives you this really soothing like numbed out Wonderful feeling that is described as brain brain orgasm, but it's not sexual It just feels super relaxing like you know that thing you put on your head that I love your head tingles Like it's like that everywhere and it's more intense and people that have it have been getting it since they were kids

Like I didn't know that head thing is my oh my god. It's so amazing. We have to get another one of those I know everyone should have one of those. Why doesn't everyone have one we used to it's it's good I hope that you are doing oh, I don't like this. I don't like this. No Okay, I like soft-spoken. I don't like whisper. Oh, what about what? Oh, yeah, I like this I I watch people eat a lot What? Oh, yeah, what is this cereal? Salad there's a salad. Yeah, I think he's you like so this does that for you. Yeah, you feel the tangle right? Yeah, I love this. I know it's

Okay, wait, there's too many mouth sounds. I don't like that Oh, it's two girls just go into town. Is this a mukbang? That's what they call this When people just eat a disgusting sound though. I just Yes Wow Yeah, actually, I don't like the girl on the left because she's chewing with her mouth closed I kind of like an open mouth and I know that's what's disgusting I didn't realize this until I was on a plane once and a girl was eating a bag of sun chips next to me and

I was getting numbed out so hard because this is a feeling I've been getting since I can trace it back to My first time I felt it was in kindergarten and my school teacher Was reading a book to the class and just the way she turned the pages and was reading it And then she would show it to all of us like this and I would just be like Really don't stop don't stop like it would be like or the kind of orgasmic type feeling but not It wasn't like it was turned on you don't get wet listening to these videos. So just feel so good. God damn And I thought I was gay for a while because it's always women's voices that do it for me So throughout my childhood it would just be like, you know, uh

A woman like a mom who was volunteering with our math class to like help us with our homework and she would reach around me and And and show me like you carry the seven and then you add the three And her bracelets would like jingle on the desk and I couldn't even pay it. I would just be like Like it feels that good to you. Oh, it was so good But now I've worn it out so much that I don't even get the tingles anymore. It just is soothing to me to play these videos This guy's a smr guy here Hey guys, I want to tell you something The ego is not bad. You're not bad

Nothing is bad It's a matter of the physical life on the part. I hate what he's saying, but I like his voice. You do. Yeah. Yeah Can we face? With our penises. Oh no The satanic light No His teeth are so crooked, but so white. Oh, I guess the other teeth are great Well, someone with that crooked of teeth, you wouldn't think they care about white. Sure. Yeah, this could be natural white. I don't know

how Is he a lot of Sulfur, I don't know what makes you know it makes teeth white. By the way, would I notice on the I'll make you come guy? Is that he often does videos without his teeth? However, on this last video, you'll notice that he took the effort to put in his bottom bottom teeth And not and not the top however so he kind of half-assed The denture game. It's like, well, if you're gonna go half. Yes. Why not put the top ones in too?

It was an interesting choice on his part and makes for a really good ymh video. He checks all the boxes Bad lighting Bad background strange denture choices bad request. It's all there I See if I have another one of his Because I know sure I got legitimately excited that you had actual people No, for me to consider. No, there's really all our I mean, we're all friends of the same people Which comedian do you want to date because we all know that I've been through them all

We're all the ones I want Right at this point. Yeah, I know I know Well, are you gonna are you open to are you open? Yeah, you know, you have dated comedians. Do you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I'm open to comedians. I think I'll end up with someone Who's a comedian or like at least is a narcissist. Yeah. Oh, that's a bare minimum Yeah, I do you think you are a narcissist. Probably. I don't think so a little bit, but I'm drawn to narcissist I've found. Oh, you like the emotional

Unavailability I love abuse. Do you like musicians? No, never really. I mean, yeah Optically they are pleasing, but I've never really had a connection with one where I'm like try this guy out. Okay Trying to see my song trying to see my song Um, okay, here we go. Here we go I have another beat down for you. I try to practice practice my song. This is my introduction to my song Coming at you. Here we go. I'll sing it Machines with thin machines with thin they got a gun and got a gun. Yeah, I got a gun terminer gun

Yeah, machines with thin machines with thin t 16 t 16 t 16 100 percent t 16 machines with thin machines with thin Trying to rank my rap trying to make my rap trying to practice on my flow trying to practice on my flow I've dated a white rapper before you have. Yeah, so I'm open to this. Yeah I'm on the street. I don't give a f F haters f r the haters. Hey, that's a great attitude I thought he was saying machines worth thin. Oh, no within. Yeah, machine machines within machines within. Okay. Um, yeah, I'll consider it Okay. Yeah, um, are you aware of this man?

Who reached out to a lady? I mean picture yourself leaving the gym And somebody calls your name after like hey, nicky and you don't know them Yeah, and then this is the scenario of how this actually happened if you don't know I don't know this young lady Left the gym Somebody says her name. Hey, nicky and you're like, do I know you and the guy was like I just I saw your name in the sign And she you're like, oh He's like, well, you're lovely. You're beautiful

You know, I'd love to take you out sometime. You're like, I'm just and you do like the kind put that like where you're like I'm actually talking to my ex and um, you know, we're just kind of and he's like, well kind of get your number You're holding your phone So you're like, uh, you know what I'll take your number this way if I want to And then you're like put your number in there and he puts his number in there and he dials So now he has your number And then he has since he has your number

You think that's that you're like, all right, whatever the next morning you wake up And this is on your phone Good morning, julia. It's me joe Just wanted to say hi Wish you a great day Tell you that meeting you yesterday And getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life. You were so beautiful You don't know how beautiful you are to me

I mean just you're gorgeous. You're precious But it's been sitting in my mind when you said to me you want to go back with your ex-boyfriend Please erase him from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I know because I've been there And I understand when you know, you're trying to find somebody and you go on days Nothing compares to your ex, but there is that Better person out there and julia. I promise you it is me I will love you like you've never been loved before It's day one cherish you minute one

I'll make you feel like a woman a real woman and believe me after you experience me You won't even know who your ex-boyfriend is Open up your heart to me in your arms Let's go full throttle. I could see me falling in love with you They just said I don't know. I just looked in your eyes and I just melt Anyhow, I'm heading off to work. This is my cute little home. Yeah, we'll get everything you see behind me I built everything every square inch from crown mold into chair rail to floors to lighting to plumbing

Doors windows, so this is the type of guy you're getting. I'm a very handy guy and uh I'd love to build you whatever you want You're a sweetheart hold on wait for it. This video doesn't scare you But that's how I feel wait for it. I just want you to know that okay, and I look forward Going out to dinner with you So let's make it happen Mwah Ciao, baby

Turned on just to kind of think you're talking about four play wise I mean he kind of was like making her feel desired all the things that I was saying Nikki do we have a love connection here? I'm just I feel bad that I've missed if I've misled anyone to think that that would be appropriate because that was so gross But also he goes i'm sorry if I scared you he had some self-awareness That I kind of appreciated at the end. He knows the mwah was kind of silly and like a fun. I liked it I didn't hate it see the mwah a few more times a lot of kind of being funny

Like he had his little sense of humor like I don't know that he was trying to be completely sincere Wait a second. Where did you get this and what is why is this real? It's so real. Oh my and we're friends with julia now And she so we found this was sent to us first. We found the story out. We our fans contacted julia We talked to julia and then she sent us a why i made exclusive video Second there's a second one that he said she did not respond to the first You want to say good morning? He sent her this julia My flower

My precious My soon-to-be my everything Have a great day love Mwah Oh wait, it's a signature. Yeah, it's that's that is so Disgusting. I know What is going on with this guy? What how does he have a house? He builds them but how does this crazy person like have a job in a house in a car and like a gym membership?

I don't understand all these people live Lessons had a lot of fun with it though Good morning julia me joe Just wanted to say hi Good morning. Let's know that this car here that i'm driving Yeah, I built it myself

I fixed the heating the heating didn't work when I got the car, but it's like i'm really handy. So I was able to fix it Good morning julia He told me all about you and I just wanted to let you know that I have full approval on look at all the fans She nailed it Oh my god, she we've received hundreds hundreds. Yes. Good morning, julia Good morning, julia I miss you so much. I've been thinking about you every day. I love that women are doing it. That's the best part I love these girls. I wanted to get you something because only women can really fully appreciate like the

Uncomfortable creepiness and attack mode of receiving that message guys do it. It's very funny too But I feel like the women doing it is kind of the women capture The the exa the feel the uki-ness the eye contact I catch my dog I named her that's right. I named after you. So anytime you're not here. I can just come out and say good morning, julia It's pretty great. Oh man, we've all been julia before where you're just nice. You give him your phone And then And you go, how did this guy get my number? How did it get to this? Well, I would say when we first saw these

His video I was like I actually felt bad for the guy a little bit. Does anyone know him? Have we traced? Well, we've we got some Kind of don't want to let's not I had a feeling yeah, yeah, don't don't No, this guy's scary. Yeah, it's kind of scary and but the thing was that like I started to go like well I feel like what he did was He didn't control there's an impulse in you To not send that but like you meet somebody right and you go like oh my god. I want that that's my everything

It's like a a rush and you're but everything in you goes Well, don't you don't make a video to send like sometimes you send maybe you sent a text To someone you're like, I feel like an idiot, right? You sent it. Yeah, but to make a video like so I felt bad For him. Yeah that he put that out there, but at the same time There's something real wrong. There's something wrong Yeah, I there's a there's a sadness about his situation And they're like, oh, I don't even know that I want to make fun of this because this guy maybe is special But then he built that whole house. He can't be that like he's not special. He's not touched

It feels a little touched though lack of awareness That guy's hot morning Julia I just wanted to tell you that getting to spend my anniversary with you the other day Was one of the greatest moments of my life Anyway, all uh All hop off of here, but have a good day, baby

Oh, they always the fans Julia so many fans one and Julia I'm so excited I can highly contain it I don't know if you recognize this, but I'm in your closet I was fixing your bed frame It was summer strains I heard you coming in through the front door Change the locks back on your door

There's a lot of stuff I could be fixing The great one can't wait to crawl into bed with you. I'm gonna go for so fucking full trip But anyways, I'll see you in a second Yeah, there's so many of them they did so many funny ones and then today We read it twice, but should we play it for nicky because it's so good. It's so good. Dude. We have this guy who does Frank calls. Yeah for us. Yeah. We'll get ready my god This is I think his masterpiece like I've never it's it's the best thing I've ever heard

He right it's like it's it's unbelievable. It's genius so this guy called He called a hardware store And he sets up a call. He sets up the drops. He's gonna play So he calls the hardware store that's taking applications and he Hello, this is uh, Kevin the store manager. May I help you? Hey, Kevin My name is burt calling in regards for my father Uh, I heard that you're hiring. So uh, my dad's been a handyman 35 years now

Oh, okay, uh, burt. What's your dad's name? Here, I'm gonna put you on the phone. Maybe you can just tell him a little bit more about the job. His name's joe Oh, okay. Awesome. Okay Good morning me joe. Hello, joe. I'm a very handy guy Just wanted to say I built everything every square inch from crown mold into chair rail Perfect. Yeah to floors to lighting to plumbing doors windows. So this is the type of guy you're getting I'd like to build you whatever you want. I just want you to know that Yeah, let's make it happen

Um, so Open up your heart to me in your arms You don't know how beautiful you are to me Oh my god Yeah, I mean just you're gorgeous. You're precious. I will cherish you Have you turned in an application? I will love you like you've never been loved before Uh, uh coming in

Sweetheart Okay, okay, and I look forward, um going out to dinner with you Well coming in and see he and easy He's the one that's handling all the incoming and outgoing people I could see me falling in love with you. Anyhow, I'll make you feel like a woman a real woman Okay, joe Okay, joe, I'll make you feel like a real woman. Okay, joe. Okay, joe Oh, Jesus Christ. It's so juvenile. Isn't that one fucking amazing?

It's so amazing Oh, now Nikki, have you ever done the converse of this like Have you ever sent something that you wish you had it to a boy where you wish like oh my god time But like this text messages. No, I mean um I've sent like pictures and stuff But I really am pretty good about like if if I send you a naked picture like you I trust you a lot Like it takes me a lot. You're not just throwing that out. No, and I want to man. It's like sometimes I'm like

God, I can't do anything with like sometimes you get out of the shower and you're like I work on myself and I'm like I'm peeking right now. Oh You know, I was gonna say the opposite. I'm like, oh, I don't know. I'd look kind of lighting. I'd have to get on this I see myself in the mirror after the show. I'm like god damn it Somebody would throw up if I sent him this I don't think anybody wants to look at my mom's loppers either Well, I've had I've had many days like that, but like there are some days where you're like Oh, I wish I could I feel in myself and I wish I could share this with someone

But I just don't and and I know a lot of girls that will just send those things out to get validation and They're called angels. I know you're talking about. No, they send so many things like that But um, I can't do it, but I've sent um just like I've had manic episode like where I'm just having a bad day and I'm mad at a guy or something And then I just I'm like, well, I don't think that you understand where I'm coming Like, you know, you just have a text exchange. I'm home for Thanksgiving having a manic And then you just you look at a bunch of a chunk of blue and you're like, I didn't need to send this paragraph

I have to think back a little while to this stuff. But do you ever do you like I was always I was never I didn't like um, like I went out on a date with a girl and then Like, uh, you know, it was a good date. You're like, I like her, you know, I like her But then she's like, oh, I can't stop thinking about you. I'd be like, uh You know, that's yeah She's like gross. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. I would be like that's weird and then I don't know something like I tell friends some the pet you could people react differently So like some friends would be like, it's great, right? I'm like, no

No, she's Can't stop thinking about you talking about we went on a date. Yeah, I'll play it cool I always play cool. I don't remember being in like six or seventh grade Like just when the feelings start to really get intense for the opposite. That's what joe did Joe did a sixth grade. Right. I want to love you forever and ever and I'll be your everything Well, I felt the way joe's felt before Like recently when I know that I shouldn't you know, you let your mind wander and you're just like this is I would be there for like I know that all happens in you

But you do not let it you don't even let out one percentage of what he let out you play it cool No, and I remember being in seventh grade and just being so obsessed with this boy in my class Like, you know when you're just oh my god, but you don't really like I was in seventh grade So at that level, I mean there was like one girl that had been finger banked Or what I don't say her name, but she had really big hands And so everybody assumed that she was a slut and I don't think she was her first name was shelby And then they said she got fingered during top gun at the movies. Oh, wow I don't think it happened

But the point is I was so into this guy and you know, you're just like, oh I'm just burning with love and I would just like write letters and be like, should I give it to him? And I like thank god I I didn't but you know what I mean when you're like this close to doing that thing and you're like, oh my god I just And then you can convince yourself Even as like I'm not like in the past couple years like you just go to a place where you can you can convince yourself that I mean, I I'm constantly having to play games with guys with texting and like just acting like you don't Want to hear from them when you do and not watching their instagram videos so that they know that you don't really care about that

Like it's there's so people can tell if you've watched this thing. Yes, yes Huge thing how like your instagram story, okay? So like if you look at you can look at your own instagram story swipe up on it and then you see everyone Beneath who has watched it now If you have a crush on a guy and a guy likes you a way he can let you know He likes you before you even talk is that you just start seeing his name under everything that you do and you're like He's paying attention to me And then you go, okay, this guy's into me and then maybe start following him or maybe like

The next time you see him at the club or whatever you're like And you just that is a way to let a girl know that you're into her is if you want a lot of And it's a way to let someone know you're not into them If you are continually watching each other's videos and then all of a sudden you stop seeing his name You go, oh my god, he doesn't even care about me anymore when a lot of times They're purposely not watching it so that they can send so that they can play it cool Which i've done before where i'm like i'm not gonna watch his stuff so that he doesn't think that i'm thinking about it This is crazy. They're so it's so aren't you stoked that we hooked up in the time of like friendster

Friendster was around when tom and i got together. This is crazy And and that's when i just go, you know what? I'm gonna stop playing these games and just be honest and say how i feel and then that's not good either So you it's either you play games or you're you scare them off with your honesty. So it's just it's It's too complicated. What gene? No, your mom's house will be right back Nikki has beautiful teeth perfect teeth very white. Do you get them professionally whitened? No, you know what? I use um I turned on all I do is I use arm and hammer baking soda That is all you get it. I'm not kidding you guys mama's secret. That's what you do. What you guys use it

No, i'm saying that's like old school like keeping it arm and hammer baking soda whitening toothpaste I've turned everyone onto it anyone who does it just brush with that regularly and your teeth will be white and you'll get compliments about it That's all I do get some on amazon right now using our banner go to your mom's house podcast Click on the banner that's bottom of the homepage you're shopping as you normally would well, you have great teeth I am really nice teeth. Thanks. You know what's been happening lately. I Have snored a while. I have a snore guard like a mouth guard right, but guess what my wife snores now If you go to instagram and go on my page Oh, you guys are so funny with that. Oh my god

See christina snore. You're such a jerk. You just brought that up right now. You know, it's crazy I have a library of them stored so that So don't feel safe. Don't even don't feel safe a library. What did you just say? Well, there's different snores in different days You know, what wait? Has she never snored before she Snored you're fucking evil during you are a sociopath. You're gonna murder me guys. This is evidence for everybody listening I'm not gonna murder you. This is evidence. You're real. I love you psycho the mother of my children anal sex negative Wait a minute. You've been collecting footage of me snoring since that since we first blasted each other just a few weeks of it

Jesus Oh, no Oh, no There might be a montage coming. I don't know. No I don't know. Are you fucking kidding me? I don't know what's happening Please promise me though People aren't looking at my tits out and stuff because I sleep, you know, come on. It's only the guys you want Babe

Clippers I had a dream the other night that tom and I were doing it And that it was directly it was the night we went to a Lakers. We saw the lake So we go to Lakers game next morning To tell you this I go I was dreaming we were making sweet marital love and that he was all his color Yeah, tom colored. Yeah, but his dong was a big black dog How'd you feel about that? I was like cool. Did you like and I'd love to go to another Laker game I don't know why I'm really drawn to these things now. You never like sport. She was like these Laker games are a blast

and I was like, okay I was like, how bad is she's like, I mean, they're fun. Can we one's a question go to another one? All right Okay, I told my therapist about it. You get home immediately and take a melatonin. You're like, I need to get to dreamland Right away right away And then like during the game, she's like, how big do you think their dicks are? Probably pretty big. I did not After the game, you're like, how big you think? No, you're like, how come their dicks and balls

Aren't like After my dream because they have compression shorts on. Yeah, it is a good question. Just be a dick and ball festival I don't know how you guys keep it all in but yeah, they have a bigger problem than I do You are a straight sociopath. What did I do? You're keeping videos of your wife snoring I cannot fucking believe you're doing this. You're acting like I have a whole lot. I have 15. It's not like I have a lot So, uh, victoria wiggins has a YouTube channel and she's helping people prep with anal sex. We have our anal sex expert Nikki glazer. Oh god, you blow us all away last time. Um, yeah, I haven't had it since last time. I don't think really

Yeah, it's been a while. Tell me what you think of victoria's advice She gave advice and we want to know I need some and I actually kind of want somebody else in the room to maybe Pay attention to yeah A lot of people have been asking me victoria. I'm so scared to have dare I say Having sex in your bus can be extremely terrifying. There's a lot of things that could go wrong But honey, there's a lot of things that could go right I've got a few tips. First is what you need. It's all about your diet abs start in the kitchen That's what they say, right? Well, same thing goes for bottoming. It starts in the kitchen

There's a lot of things that you can't eat like a few days before you bottom. So like pizza fruit vegetables Like any food Any kind of protein, carb Damn, this is all food. What should we eat? I've got a few tips. First is what you eat It's all about your diet abs start in the kitchen. That's the same thing, right? Okay step two You got to relax. Okay. So don't eat going in there. Sure. You're immediate reaction

If you're new to the to the bus scene the bus to just clench and you think your body registers it as poop So your immediate reaction is just clenching and pushing out because that's what you've done your whole life Well, I'm here to tell you that you're gonna have to unlearn that I always start by letting Layton know that I need him to start off slow. I need him to go gradual I need him to go easy Because you don't want to start out too strong. That's going to expedite your body's immediate reaction to push out Things I don't think we're intended to go up there. However, it feels really good. So maybe there was a master plan

I'm not sure Jesus if you're out there loving the most you might clench so hard. You might bleed through the sheets I mean, it's happened to me before and it's not a fun experience You could also be in a situation where your body hates it so much that it will shit on them Even though you cleaned yourself out, even though you didn't eat for three days It'll still shit on them because it's like it's like a kind of like I am not gonna get away from me I'm not gonna not eat for three days and is that is that what she's suggesting? That is what she's and I know girls that are like, oh, I might have anal sex tonight. I'm not gonna eat today

I I will not give you that Really? I'd say that's sound advice. I would just like to Like if you're gonna shoot a scene maybe the next time I have it I'm do I have like a whole plan like because in the past it's been like impromptu and I've been lucky I've also been unlucky But like in the future if I like want it and I'm gonna go do it. I'm gonna get a I'm gonna because I've done enemas like before because you're supposed to just Squirt one up there and clear it all out

But I don't know if I talked about this last time but like you have to get like 10 enemas You can't just have 10 of us to be totally clean. You need to do it until the water runs clear Oh, and I just bought one once and that just mixes things up and makes everything worse It was bad bad news and I and I remember being like I'm so sorry that happened Literally that happened because I was trying to actually be better like, you know that but that was so much worse So there's ones I have a hair stylist who is a gay man and he was like, oh honey You need to get off amazon like a reusable one that you just keep filling with saline solution instead of buying like 16 box

This is smart a lot of work though. It's a lot of work, but it's it feels really good and it's It's worth it I think it's worth when I am in the mood to have some like Really effed up like dirty dirty sex and like really go all out. Um, yeah, I'd put in that effort Wow, now i'm asking this hey baguette pay attention. What about now? I just had my second child five months ago. So there's a lot of damage down there still What do you do if a gal has hemorrhoids? Because I still have you're not doing that. Yeah, I can't have butt sex time No way. Did you hear that way? Did you hear that? Hemorrhoids are so painful. I'm so sorry. Oh, no, it doesn't hurt me

It doesn't hurt. It kind of doesn't it's weird. I don't know if it's because I have a lot of fiber in my day I don't push a lot when I make brown. Oh, they don't really bother me, but I don't know if Going in at my yeah upset it. I just wouldn't want to I think the tissue is too sensitive Yeah, but um But yeah, it's like like she's saying about um Your body like pushes it at like it thinks it's poop like that's a real I believe that because I've done a suppository once and the how that works. I believe there's glycerin too. Yeah Is that it's actually because you're introducing something into your butt that makes you feel like you have to shit

Do you understand like oh like you know you can get a baby to take a dump Is if you stimulate his b-hole with the q-tip that actually just stimulating your asshole think that it's already There's something in there right at the precipice. Yeah, because a lot of times that's when it's like get out Get out. Well victoria agreed with the enemy advice. That was her next suggestion next. We're gonna talk about enemas I think enemas are the best way to Prep yourself now. I've got a few enema life hacks You can buy enemas at the drugstore walmart target wherever they have like a medicine aisle Obviously, yeah, you want to get on the floor on all fours and then poke your ass up in the air kind of like

You're about to have sex. It's kind of like a practice round You get your head down ass up just like taiga likes it and you stick that in You squirt in all the liquid you don't want to do it too fast because it can really disrupt the lining of your bus And then when I actually like you kind of bounce around Maybe like oh, okay. I've never seen this is actually helpful just to kind of mix everything Hilarious when your stomach starts hurting when you help all that fluid inside of you That's a good thing because that means that you're ready for the grand finale the release You need to sit on the toilet for like 10 minutes

You don't want to like squirt it out. Do your little squirtle move and then go hop on daddy's dick That's not how it works. You want to go sit pro tip full throttle. If you do feel like you need to do a round two Please just use another enema. Do not refill the bottle with water. Oh, I don't know what's in that shit But something in that solution that's in that bottle really Works water Water will make your household rar. Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's just not good Oh my gosh, may I tell you my pet peeve? Is when people say their stomach hurts

And then you shit. It's not your stomach that's hurting. It's your intestines Your stomach is an organ above your intestine. It it's been my pet peeve my entire my tummy hurts. It's not your tummy stupid Wow, it's your intestines. You know, you were so fired up your stomach. It's up here. It's stomach's different pain And it's the same thing like when women are pregnant. It's like it's not in my stomach Not your tummy dummy your tummy the baby's in your tummy. No, it's not. Do you know how bodies work? Right? It's your uterus. It's your uterus Right, it's your uterus. It's your your butthole. My upper cut Oh my fucking cut

She keeps saying her bus Her bus nine times out of ten if he's gonna fuck your house. He's gonna eat your house and better tastes good You don't want to be tasting like a mixture of shit and animals Yeah, it's a little wet. Why nasty. This is so much even I'm like I can't so much never happened You want to act like you weren't just in the bathroom After doing those enemas. Yeah, you're gonna feel like you need to shit more nine times out of ten It's false. It's a trick if you do two enemas You're not gonna shit and I don't know why we're not all doing it

There's a lot of websites that say oh Enemas are good, but they're not necessary Sometimes all you need is a a soapy finger and a washcloth. Well, I'm sorry. Are we living in the fucking 1600s? Do we not have enemas? That's what they are made for Oh my god, you guys are so disgusting. Um, all right. Well, thanks for the advice victoria if you want to donate victoria Like to donate raising money for surgery gofummy.com slash victoria FFS is what I think I see here. Yeah, so there you go. Yeah Um, that's a lot of advice. I learned some stuff

I did learn some stuff You sure do two two enemas and if you have to shit after that is nine out of ten times It's an illusion it looks sounds like she's saying might want to get that box and write eight of all those Yeah, I think I think I'll get three next time I'm ready to go But then I got to buy them separately because I don't want it to look like I'm about to have anal sex You know, I may ask you this Yana, I have a question for you It just seems like that is so much work

To prepare for anal and doesn't it I just imagine after giving myself three or four enemas I've killed the mood because I've been shitting all day. Yeah, you know when you have diarrhea And then later you're like, I can't have sex tonight. I just shit a lot today You know, sometimes tom will have diarrhea and I'll be like, are we still doing it? And you're like, no I just had diarrhea. Yeah. Yeah. Diarrhea is no. It's a good point. Like what you're shitting all day. You do this whole Doesn't it make your b-hole sore to give so many enemas and then You know, but I think in giving yourself enemas It would feel kind of good like if you're into anal sex like as a girl

I think I would start to it would be like a little bit of foreplay. Oh, I see you like I can't wait Yeah, because the thing about anal sex it feels good because it feels like you're taking a really good shit All right, right, right. I like I don't like diarrhea. No one likes diarrhea, but like right We all can get behind a really good shit. Yeah, I do. It's amazing. I like a good shit. It feels so good And that's what anal sex feels like like a good like a really really satisfying one where it's like You've had to go and then you're like your whole body is just like You know with those where you shiver and you're you're literal eyes cross like that's that's what it's like

You know what you make me want to take a shit. I know, right? I never thought I'd say it But you know I have another potential suitor for you Before you have sex If you want to be horny for two or three hours like you've never been in your life And you have access to marijuana too Good weed Listen to me, okay I'm listening true weed alone can get you really horny or the normal

But it's been a drill take about 10 12 been a drill before you want to have your sexual fun with your partner or whatever you do your masturbate all right Uh about an hour later when you feel it just kicking in smoke your weed then and then Go ahead and get horny and I promise you it'll be The millions and times more you'll be so blissfully horny that you will not want to come Trust me Sounds like maybe you could pass that on to potential mates Can someone please try that and see if it works. I think they have

I mean my man right here thinks it's the best idea possible. I want you I want someone listening to please try that No, no, don't advocate. Oh, you don't find don't Do not get anybody Listening to the show do not do what this man is doing I just want to what if that were what if that's the cocktail to be as horny as possible joy Well, you know what I never realized Tommy is the timeline. He's like you have to take 10 to 12 benadryl at once You wait an hour wait for it. It's so many you have to wait in a full hour Hour to fight off that benadryl in your system

Stay awake for an hour and then smoke a ton of weed Then get horny Then he goes then get it's not like you will get you you're gonna get horny It does then then you got to get when you're whenever you think you're gonna be so much Line out my formula for when you're horny There's it's so labor all of this is so much work too much work god Oh, and that where was he and what was he sucking on again all the makings of a perfect video Where was he how horrible was the lighting?

What's the ask all these things very important. What's the angle on the camera? Oh, it was so good Is he in a closet behind him with the glow? He's in a garage for a lot going on. I mean there's other potential suitors, you know, this is my e harmony video Never been on e harmony before my life. I swear. I'm not going to go out running around looking for Dates this all the time. I'm looking for a woman I'm not real picky I know people say why are you settling for something when you can get a lot better?

Well, people do say that to him. Yeah a lot. Why are you settling down with this pig? Super hot Do you think his friends are like john you're really setting this bar Way low bro. You you're good. You got a lot. You got a lot going remember that kitchen light. It's always on I think that's a closet light babe. That's not in the kitchen You got a yellow closet. You got a chorus a car shirt. How about that still that's still photo He didn't even run his hand around his hair Right. He didn't even go like this

He in fact What i'm looking for How could you know picture? blonde-haired woman about my size some more around oh five two three inches tall and 15 20 pound

Somebody likes to cook clean. No, nobody can drive me to all my apartments What? Five three. Hold on. Let's go through it five three. I can't. I'm too tall but 115 But he's not too big. So maybe he's like, ah, you're a little tall, but And his friends would go Hey, you're you're with a really tall lady right now. You shouldn't settle for this They usually would say, what are you doing with her? Why are you with this fucking tall fucking animal? Do you have a valid driver's license? Can you drive him to his appointment?

Preferably somebody goes to the pain clinic but because They keep me having to go to much because I go Pain clinics a lot Yeah, you gotta go to the pain clinic guys. What is a pain clinic? You gotta manage your fame. He's got a lot of injuries. It's the weed store, isn't that? Medical marijuana

Maybe it's Is he on um a lot of stuff for feet like go and get the Yeah, methadone. Yeah methadone. Is that what a pain clinic is? Because you're out there by the way It's a good question. Yeah It's funny that you bring that up because there's another side effect To a certain medicine that could help Um, if you've had any kind of erectile Disorder problems, I'm here to tell you

Forget that bag or forget about salads forget that dick and plants and all that stuff I don't know if you believe me or not But if you like to see me smoke some meth with a small limp dick And then get hard in the other way and watch you get harder and harder the more I smoke Harder my dick gets it's unbelievable You're gay You won't believe how good it feels. You're straight. You won't believe how good it feels Your dick head becomes so sensitive that you don't need lube. You don't need spit

And you just strip that dick head this up and down four times It's this hard to do it and you'll shoot an enormous amount of very thick Do these thick hot white cup? Well, you know who didn't believe him My brother didn't believe me But when he smoked with me he put at his dick. I can't believe how big his dick was He jacked off in four strokes and shot the most company he ever shot in his life 49 and he's fine. He has no neuropathy problems at all But his dick is even harder and thicker and he won't come. He believes me now

He believes me now I just caught that he believes me now. Oh, he believes me now hanging out with his brother Smoking meth and his brother takes his dick out. Yeah The way he said lube was the most disgusting word I've ever heard. Don't need lube. Don't need spit Oh How does this person Have the faculties to like upload this video to youtube and create a username And like those are the things that perplex me. It's like how did this guy get all that done?

Four strokes Well, and he took time out from his lunch at appleby's to go in the bathroom Because you can also hear the wait staff in the background. You can hear order up like all that clinking clanking You know Yep Pretty great. No, you're that's a you know what that's something this weekend. This weekend. He's gonna do like another video Oh my god, I'll get hard. So if you want to see me go from a limp dick to a hard dick I got it. Thanks. I will do it this weekend. He's gonna do it tape it

I'm just a small dick very limp. Okay. Watch it get harder and harder. That's a proven factor Right. Let me know then bother me a bit if you say yes, I'll show it to you. Show me what how hard it gets Wait, explain it again. Let's see if I'm limp And I want you to see we get hard watch me smoke this meth with my brother's brother up to his brother's probably his brother's packing a Better I know he couldn't believe how big his brother's dick was in the low, you know What's interesting that no one's brought this up but nicky And all these people that have observed these videos. She's right like how do these maniacs these fucking derelicts? It's this easy now. I guess like how is he figuring out? You're right. I can barely figure out how to do it myself

No, how to do any of it. I got it. And I have my faculties. He's got a producer too. Just Okay, yeah, like how is the tried out guy uploading that video? How is he air dropping that to like right? Do you know what I mean? Like you're so right. How does he even like know how to do a phone? You know, it's probably it's it's it's so true But what's probably happening which is so much more ridiculous is he's probably like I made this video I want to upload it and he has to like show someone like They're like, oh you want to post this like yeah, how do I post it? And then someone's like, oh, what is it? He's like, I'm just talking about something and then they they have to take him through the steps

Do you have a youtube account and here's how you sign on yeah, and then and then you want to throw a title on it Yeah, four strokes and then okay What's your thumbnail? What thumbnail you're gonna pick on that video? You know, you could light this a lot better No, it's fine. I just needs to get out there like right away And what led to him being like I gotta shoot this? I'm getting so much. What was the conversation right before? That's what I'm saying. He was having lunch with his friend because you can actually get to the restaurant It's a homeless shelter. So yes

People have said it's a halfway house. It seems like that. It's probably one of it somebody's shooting dice right off camera Yeah, you're right. That's interesting. We we haven't thought about the moment before all these videos That's it. You know what? I've been talking about this. That's it. Let's share it I keep sharing it with tables of dudes and no one believes me Right, he's like jam. I'm telling you it goes from a little limp dick Yeah, well, it's prompted by some guy who's being like, you know, everything's I stop smoking crack and I get hard No, something like, you know, I mean like I've had sex for six months and he's like, you know, what really works And then that guy was like that's that's not true. He's like, oh, yeah

He got fired up that someone Didn't believe his story. I gotta be honest like I were a guy struggling with ed I would like Maybe be like, oh my god, there's something to this mouth thing like he kind of got third of me I just want to tell your listeners like do not do math If you've never done math and you think it's going to give you a hard dick Like don't let that be the reason you get involved with him. Well, no one around put the issues but dr Drew is

Dr. Drew was saying that that you shouldn't do math either. Yeah, dr. Drew came on and oh, yeah, like he was like never Like this is not a good formula For erectile dysfunction It works for him as brother That's the thing is like bringing the family And and he also went from like My brother didn't believe me And then he believes me now meaning like there was a time where like he was telling his brother's brother

He's like you you with this mess and this dick thing. You're always talking about it. He's at Thanksgiving Yeah, and it's just like he's like give me the fucking pipe and then went through with and then was like I'ma pull my dick out right now and he jerked off in front of his brother. I mean Right, you're right. What's that conversation like too? You're right. That probably happened over a month You know how you like to be courted for months. It's like he did it to his brother backstory of this video I need to know it. Well, even the tried out guy like how much of a frenzy was he in before he You don't need lube. You don't need spit. Stop. I hate that too. Lube. You're right. Lube and spit I hate. Yeah, I hate. I hate the lube. Yeah

You don't you don't need lube. You don't need spit. You dick it becomes so sensitive. It becomes so sensitive Oh, I hate how he says sensitive too. It's so gross and this is for straight people and gay people. Yeah, that's the funny thing Okay, that's cool. He's gay. I love how he's all inclusive like that. Okay. He's a very inclusive Drug promoter. He's like what are you trans by? You can do it. You can try it. Yeah I just hear so many other like good reasons to do like the meth seems like fun for other reasons. Right Then like the energy the pick me up the energy you clean your house Collages being made. Yeah, like I just never heard the side effect of it. It's pretty cool This is pretty cool

You don't hear about the good sides to meth is what you're saying the positive The dicks of meth was never a serious, you know, the faces of meth we all saw that as a face deteriorates Right, we didn't see those the dicks through that chart. They could have just gotten harder and harder brilliant again You knew with the good points that we've never You know, you just created a new meme the dicks of meth. We're gonna get a few posters They just get handsomer and handsomer As they get more like zombies. My head is so sensitive. I don't like how he says sensitive either My head is so sensitive. Yeah, he's got a bit of a lisp

It became it had become so sensitive Yeah, he does Thick hot Whack come. All right. Now. Let me ask you this nicky. Yeah, do you prefer Thick hot white come to just watery come. Do you know what I mean? Like, why is that a thing for him? That it has to be thick and white like it's gonna be drippy. All right, right. You know, it's not healthy My husband's got so many problems. We had to play this game called horrible or hilarious We show you a video

It's fucked up or funny and we'll get you out here. I know you got to go. No annoying. So is this funny to you Okay, here it is. Tell me what you think. Okay, here it is Oh Horrible horrible horrible Yeah, I hated it. I hated it Yes, he baths off the trash can. How do you know he's okay? He's fine. He's not okay. He's fine He felt too strong not watching that video. He landed on a trash can I know but I do not like that. He didn't land on the ground. If the trash can wasn't there we wouldn't even play

We wouldn't even play because he would not be allowed. But he's fine I Yeah Yeah, but you had to now but you had to assuage her fears that he wasn't dead. It's so funny. Let's just play the sound Sure, sure. You don't have to convince me. Hold on a second. I already closed it god damn it. Where'd it go? There's like a um It sounds like a fire rocket going up and then just but like you can hear him whip Oh All right, both of you are sociopaths now. I'm convinced she's a sociopath too. Just that thought is so funny

As long as he's I thought you were one of us Nikki, I thought you were a woman of sympathy No, okay. He's okay. That's okay. That's okay. The screams. Oh, no, no, no, no. No, he's not good Oh, he's definitely not good. Oh, that's a good screen. The screen's funny. It's cartoonish Oh, yeah, I mean I don't like watching him get hurt That's funny. The screams silly. Okay. Yeah. Is he okay? It's like a bug's buddy. Yeah. Yeah, he's fine What's this one? This is in here. What is this?

This is what they do in japan. It's so crazy Is that what what are they doing? They do a prank show where they set up cameras and Like if you're being pranked I get shot In the in the like it seems like someone broken and shot me So they're scaring the shit out of this one guy. They're scaring one person to think that like people are being shot around him Yes, like there's a mass shooting like there's a fucking Oh

Like that's the prank there and they're like I guess tom's laughter enjoying. I don't like that at all. That's mean that guy is gonna have PTSD from that Yeah, and I there's certain pranks. I don't like to yeah when it's too mean spirited It's like oh, don't fuck with nice people do for the snap. I hate it. I already hate it. I hate it I know it's about to happen. Yeah It hurts like Do your finger. Do your finger. Do it. Do your finger. Don't probably care to do it I hate when that that accent plus an animal in a means in a video equals the animals and I can have a good time

Oh And then now they're mad at the alligator and now they're gonna toss it in the corner because they're mad at it You know, they just did it. It's animal abuse. I hate it. I hate it. May I interject a point here about these crocodiles? Uh, I don't know if you know this. I was a cast member on road rules. Australia Uh, and around nine the late 90s. I forget what anyways, we did a crocodile farm Uh, whatever mission and I it was so cool. I got to hatch a baby crocodile Yes, now here's the thing Within seconds of that thing coming out of its shell it bit me

What and those teeth are hard. They're sharp as fuck So that baby that was a baby crocodile and that thing was like a teen like a you know preteen one maybe Oh my god, and so when they're born, they're extremely painful. That's cool that you had. That was really cool Yeah, and then they wanted us to cut up a pig and serve the pig parts to the crocodiles And I was like, I think I'm a vegetarian like they handed us machetes and they're like cut up the pig and I'm like I can't I'm sorry. I can't and I became a vegetarian for like a week. Wow. And that's a whole week. I last until we went to mcdonald's and I Had to eat okay. Yeah. Yeah one more. What do they call it? Oh

I don't like this one. Oh Balloons better do something What what oh no, it's a Paraglider he's fine Oh See how she's laughing tom. Do you see the joy? So it seemed like it was an even split with nicky though, honestly thud into that dumpster I hated that video at first

But then the thud just when I close my eyes the sound the sound is good the sound is funny on the skier When he screams that was funny. Yep, but I don't want to hear someone breaking their leg. Sure. That's awful Right. That that's a normal reaction. I'd say too. All right Everyone's learning I have A bunch of girls here if you see my regular sites, you'll see there's suddenly all kinds of pictures of Me and other girls of videos is going to be showing up very shortly. Well, we're having a big party here this weekend

And those are swollen so yesterday. I thought you know, we're being healthy. I made a whole bunch of vegetables Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, no. I'm not sure that was the best idea. No Okay, well that was an exercise of futility Oh Why would you do you have any idea how long I was holding that? It's called money. Was that a rooster? Yeah She's out in the farm. I switched speeds. I'm proud of her now. I'm proud of her too

I love that. I felt like anxiety from you. You're like, what's gonna happen. I just thought she was gonna break something Yeah, yeah, now don't you feel as a lady? I don't know if you feel the same when I tell me if you do that these fart videos Are just you just leaving money on the table if you're not doing them as a woman I mean, I was just watching that being like, yeah, that's that's fine. Easy money. Would you do it? If you're like, I'm having never never never really ever ever ever ever but not okay. Here's the thing now We're putting your brain. It's 50 dollars. Your reality Right now into that scenario. What if you're like, fuck I need like

This would be I can make 500 bucks in an hour this afternoon and that would pay my rent or whatever But do I want to be someone someday that like people know like no, I just I would rather starve What if you wore a wig and you called? Yeah, you put on that dog mask right there, right and you're like My name's Kara and then you know, you just have a whole and I'd give that girl a run for her money. Yeah I mean, see what I'm saying. I am a vegan. She said she'd kick people in the balls How are you having anal? You're a vegan. I must shit all day. I do. I do. It's great It's really hot in here too because it's like the 90 outside today

What is this woman? Yeah, so I'm in a room. It's a hero I kind of like her. I like her too. I respect this a lot. It's really hot in here No one's all right Listen, why not profit? I know stuff you're doing for free I would do it in a second. Oh guys fucking love this. There's so many freaks out there that love this stuff That's what I'm saying. It's easy money. Oh, she's out of breath. Yeah, that one had knocked the wind out of her She's out of breath. She's That was a squirrelly

Bloody broccoli. Oh my god. So this woman does these videos for people a lot Now I would have chosen dried apricots. That means she's having a girls weekend too So she's just like girls. I gotta go do some content. They're like, what's your channel? Do you do like arts and crafts? You know, I'll tell you about it later And she can you imagine them just like putting there putting a cup up to the door to here What's she doing? What is she doing in there? What is her? Is she into asmr? That would be kind of weird, right? Yeah, right. She's doing an asmr. But no Yeah, I love this the this new this new level tom of like, what's the conversation before somebody stops what they're doing

And makes these videos you're right. It's just like what was she doing before the day? You know, I bet it was like In between going to the beach with the girls and like dinner You know, you have that downtime where everyone kind of like goes off into their own Getting dressed and yeah, you're just like kind of some girls are napping and she's just you know making some Um Fart content some money. Yeah, so money. She is awesome. Yeah Um, like nicky, it's always fun to have you here. I wish we could have fun to be and we got to get you out of here for something

So, um, where can people see you? Oh, what's coming up? Anything on there? I'm going to I'm going to be in cleveland Next weekend the 20th and 21st at hilarity's the best so fun. The best I haven't been there in so long I'm so excited. Oh, and you have to eat at the restaurant across the way there. Oh my god the greenhouse tavern Yes, that sounds good. Oh my god. Okay. Okay. So good. I'll definitely go there then and then um I'm in sacramento at the punchline and then providence Rhode Island for um new year's the comedy connection A ton of dates coming up every weekend. I'm on the road because I'm doing a netflix special in the spring Leading up to that. So, you know on the road every weekend. Yeah, very exciting laser.com

Tornates and I have a radio show if you have serious xm radio or you're driving a rental car Um, tune in to my show. It's every morning two hours every morning 10 to 12 eastern on channel 95 comedy central radio called you up and then we also have a podcast with the best of that's free That you can and you sometimes have a puddle boy on with you. Oh, andrew collin Yeah, andrew collin what you went to high school at that right high school with him He is what he's like my best friend and he's on the show all the time He travels with me on the road He is uh, yeah follow andrew andrew collin. So funny and he loves you guys and uh, yeah, he's big fans

He's gonna be big. He's gonna be something. Yeah, if I have anything to say about it. Good andrew collin He's the future of comedy. There you go. Yeah, I really I really love him. He's so funny. Yeah, he is. He's hilarious. Um All right, uh, that's it niki. Thanks again. We'll leave you guys on this song It was uh made by dj crown moldon. It's my dad's nuts featuring andrew santino. I love fucking looking ass Yeah Tire nuts Yeah, big ass liquor For sure

No, like my dad's nuts might might my dad's nuts My dad's nuts might might my dad's nuts no to no like my dad's nuts might might my dad's nuts My dad's nuts might might my dad's nuts. Oh, no, like, I might just my nuts son All play dance all ball all play dance all play dance all play Hell no, like all play dance all ball all play dance all play dance Yeah, big ass liquor