Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 487-Greg Fitzsimmons & Kyle Kinane - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 20, 2019

If the juice is expired, you should get a new juice, but if it isn't and you're just crazy - we are HERE for it! We have BREAKING NEWS as it turns out that Christina actually likes, wait no, LOVES crime shows. Who's the big psycho now? Dirty John is the truth and CP is obsessed.  AND Jussie Smollett appears to be in some real trouble - we get into it.  PLUS the great Greg Fitzsimmons joins us and as always is absolutely hilarious.  AND Kyle Kinane is in the building - a long overdue get down with one of comedy's finest. He is really amazed by the McDonald's debacle. 

Mm-hmm So you think you're doing you think you're doing our son, but I think I'm doing Buster Rhymes Our son sounds like Buster Rhymes Thanks trash beats, I don't know if I'm supposed to say cake or kake Kake could be bukkake What's up, Jean we're yet well, it was a crazy weekend first of all amazing. Thank you so much everybody that came out Had Jeff Tate with me. We did a nine shows my god. We started in Montclair. We went to Titsburg We were in since see my hometown then we went to

Cleave loaned and we ended up in What's it called? We ended up in DC. Did you get to eat at the Greenhouse Tavern? No, we almost did but I ended up having such great food on the road Because I make sure I I don't want to fall apart get out. Yeah, it's imperative get all Bart bodied So I I Get chicken and fish and went to this place. We got food from the porch and Pittsburgh. I think it's called porch Holy shit, man. Yeah, Pittsburgh is nice. Actually. It's pretty to fucking food was amazing and Was a place to think of a town hall maybe in Cleveland that we went to I think we got food from there

I don't know it was absolutely amazing, but here's what's coming up Tampa's all sold out. You can still go to the hard rock the semen old hard rock in Hollywood, Florida That's March 9th and that you can still get tickets to that. That's at the the big room at the casino there Then I go to Portland, Maine on March 26 the 27th is sold out the 26 has about a hundred tickets You can try to go to that Then Red Bank and Long Island. Oh the late show in New Haven has tickets. The early show is sold out That's March 30th. You can get tickets to the late show March 11 or excuse me April 11th in Madison The late show April 12th in Milwaukee and the late show April 14th in Nashville, Chicago sold out

But we added a show June 2nd damn you're looking at June already homie. I know but We added a show May 1st in Portland, Oregon at the Keller Auditorium That's on sale and we added a fifth show at the more in Seattle, Maine Fifth the rest of the shows Tom Segura comm slash tour and a huge announcement in April where I announced the second half of My tour the rest of the year and that's gonna be like 25 more cities. Oh my god international dates You know a lot a lot lizards to pick up. Yeah, I know I got international lot lizards to pick up Geez homie. Yeah, that's gonna be real excited. I'll wait like parley of who my dick in your mouth. Wow

Cool February 23rd, it's actually this Saturday. I'm in West Siloam Springs, Oklahoma at the Cherokee Casino February 23rd through March 2nd Madison, Wisconsin. Come on. Yeah at the comedy club on state Wisconsin those shows are moving really fast. Oh, that club by the way, so now that one's gonna ruin you Yeah, you're doing like all the best. I'm doing that home run clubs this dude Fuck Denver Acme dude, bro. Yeah, Acme's next April 4 through 6 Many many Appletits at the Acme come on the club and then May 10th and 11th and Tempe at the Tempe

Momprop May 31st through June 1st flappers here in Spermbank, California, and then I do Washington Dickham June 20th through 22nd at where improv at the I know I know the best hits. Well, you know why cuz I you know if it's two little genes I like to be around a lot, so I'm only doing the but I mean that's the way to do it Why not pick the best places? I know best clubs. That's what we're doing this year smart. I know first time We did some smart Christina P on line is where you can get ticket links Follow me on the gram at the Christine P Christ, I

Love the gram. I live on the ground the grams good. I don't post as much as I look at other people is that itching Yeah, I love you. I love you too great to be home. I know Sorry, I have to make a shift now Hey, hey one of your best reads ever really. Yeah, thanks. I practiced all weekend. Did you really? Wow? It was a lot of work. That's good man. You got it. I'm so excited for today There's a couple things happening first of all We have we so we did a segment last week That we that with Kyle Kanane. Yes, so you'll see that things might look a little different because the set changed

Sponsors if you're a viewer if you're a viewer, you'll see changes if you just listen, you won't really obviously notice much But Kyle was fantastic. I can't believe it had been forever since we You know what's so funny is that I haven't seen Kyle in the light of day in about 15 years Yeah, I have only ever seen him at night. So it was when he walked in I didn't even recognize him Yeah, so you'll hear stuff that we talk about with him That was it's kind of connected more with the Danny Brown episode which I don't know Oh my gosh if you don't know if you've never if you're kind of just

Watching the show and you're getting into it now or you're listening for the first time and you're like what episode should I Point people towards to you know get an idea of what this show is like dude. Give them the Danny Brown episode It's so great. He's the best guest. I think we've ever had hands down That's almost 500 episodes with nothing but mostly comedians. Yeah, and he basically shits on I mean that's how good he is He's so engaging and he has such great stories and he's a mommy. So he came in here Yeah, so that was oh and I'm not I've been and I'm ready to try a prison burrito Yeah, we got to do a prison burrito the recipe. He gave us I keep thinking about it down I haven't committed to memory. Okay. Yeah, I want to try it

Also the episode I did with dr. Drew dr. Drew after dark this week and it's a smash head Everybody loves it and you guys have to check it out dr. Drew after dark if you want to submit a question You can do so at dr. Drew after dark at gmail.com. That's dr Dr. EW after dark at gmail phone number two eight one eight two five three one six nine three I would recommend that you kind of formulate your thoughts before you call Yeah, you know want to ram that's way to get it down the show and so this Friday mine will come that's right I did one with him a lot of fun Basically, we listen to some answer or questions from you guys

We read some we talked about that we talked about clips because it's so fun to watch clips with him Not just any clips ymh. Yeah. Yeah, we get into it the the cool guys or whoever we feature on this show We will go through it with dr. Drew and he will give his insights into what the fuck is going on So then he tried us to get under the hood with comedians Yes, which is I think the most fascinating thing is that he sits down with all of us maniacs and Figures out why we're so fucked up. Yeah, it's great So you want to subscribe to the dr. Drew after dark podcast as well as this one by the way Yeah, please subscribe rate and review it on iTunes

Yeah, if you watch on YouTube and you subscribe to our YouTube channel, you will automatically get Drew's show It's fantastic. So it comes out on Fridays on YouTube and I believe the Fridays Also at noon. Yeah at 12 p.m. Fridays at noon is when video drops. Yeah, and audio drops Thursdays Okay, Google play and iTunes and soon a lot of other places, too. Okay poor doctor I feel like he he just thinks we torture him. It's so fun. It's so fun All right, let's we have anyway, so we have a canine segment from that is part of this show and then Greg Fitzsimmons will be joining us soon Supposed to join him, but she is I think in labor

Fucking who her second child so women are fucking stupid. I know why don't you fucking go to your obligations? You dumb bitch. Yeah, idiot birth like that's supposed to slow you down. All right. Well, let's start this show Let's get going stupid bitch Leave we call the cops Oh Don't bring anyone loving to this Oh Oh

Oh Um, I love you. I missed you. I haven't seen you a fucking week. Oh, you're fucking can't she sounds just like my mom She does kind of bring back some memories rest in peace. I don't know I don't know. She's so angry in life. She didn't really fucking can't this fucking bitch can't fucking fuck you You mother fucker day one that I know and that was how you met my mom. You're like my mom's kind of crazy Like I this fucking can't in blooming deals. Yeah, this shit to mess it. Fuck you you fucking bitch. Yeah Whoa, yeah, it was so crazy my mom. Hey, it was always confrontational of people She was deeply racist almost as racist as Bert, but that's not even really possible

Now she always pick fights with people. Yeah in the parking lot. She would do something like that, dude This juice is not sweet enough your fucking cunts. Yeah, what is that? It's called borderline personality disorder Bitch was crazy. Yeah, bitch was cray-cray and it's fucked up because you know back in the 70s and the 80s Like we didn't diagnose that kind of thing. Yeah, so my whole life I was like Sam's wrong with people and people like dude. She's charming. Yeah, and then people be like, well That's just your mom, you know, you know, Edith just rascal pancita. She's just an immigrant. You're like, no There's something deeper. Yeah, people say like things like oh, you know, there's real spicy spirited That's another word for crazy when someone tells you your spirit it very animated personality

Yeah, you know bitches out of her fucking mind, so this lady That was in that clip man. Yeah, the setup here is that she is this lady is in a convenience store She bought apple juice like from the you know from the freezer Like from the from the fridge. Yeah, and she's drop a can I should sweet as fuck too. She's like it's not sweet enough And then super sweet all sugar. She says it's expired and then well, I'll let it unfold, you know Look at those tits on her too Fires March 20th, 2014. I'm sorry we can't help you. There's no refunds Give me give me a fresh a sweet juice

Can you call the company and complain to them, but we're not replacing it This is flashback to my child Company your fat mother fucker. What company fat your your fat so company, you know Juice We call the cops She's doing her now. She's doing her for her. She's saying where She's complaining about the carpet. Yeah, but she's not oh, oh, oh, she's not speaking in her language like cursing at them an Armenian I don't think so. I think she was saying the juice is bad. You have no carpet here

God She's so fat she's such a fatty and she's not wearing a supported bra either Which is rule number one and when you got big sloppers, you got to buy the raw hoist them titties up. Hey, I know yeah Alright She hates fat pigment and Mexicans. Yeah, just dropping it on interesting. Yeah, all the real emotions come up One time I went I went to an all I had Mexican. Let's talk. This is my mother to see I went to an all-girls Catholic school Yeah, I was in the 90s. I used to wear a bandana right like on my hair Mm-hmm. I remember my mother got kind of hot. It was not as kind of lesbian. I want to see that look really

I'll do it for you home. Yeah, a bandana look. Yeah So I do it I the nun called my left a note with my parents because I was feel like you're a hitchhiker You know, you're like, I don't like a lot like location. Yeah So I my mom got called into school because I was talking a lot during class and being Saucy and my mom sees me wearing this head scarf. She's walking down the hallway By the way, it's in the classrooms full of nuns nuns my mother walks in and she goes What is this fucking shit on your head? You look like a fucking dyke and I was like Yeah, and she ripped it off my head and the nuns were like, oh, okay, this makes sense now

I know when they're seen as a problem. Yeah, they knew they knew it. They did everybody Like they're like the mom is don't even call her in again like after that I never got a no like sending home to your mom. They're like we get it What is this fucking shit on your head? She said you look like a fucking dyke with this dyke thing and she hated lesbians She was very She hated she was like, I don't know what lesbians doing to each other. Maybe they're licking each other's to death I don't know what they women do to other woman Very raised the homophobic is a homophobic one against one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she said licking each other's to death

She would pluralize it wrong. She had a lot. She's again. She was very spirited Lady, you know, your mom very nice So speaking of a cray-cray, yeah Can we talk about what we both been obsessed with? Oh, yeah. Yeah, do you want to get into it or no? Juan Susio Dirty Tom. Yeah. Well, let's let's set this up correctly. Yeah. Yeah, so this is in a way a big deal Okay, this is a YMH exclusive Okay, you're setting it up like that, huh? Well, here's why

As the audience knows for quite some time you have been accusing me of being a disturbed yeah psychotic man who loves blood and and and Crime and criminals and all the crime shows are made for me, right? It's my sick mind, right and a while ago I Read this LA Times piece, you know about Dirty John, which was uh, it was like a Six or seven part profile that read like a like a thriller like a you know a book that you just can't put down

Right like a crime story basically. I'm sorry. I'm drinking water. I know so So I read it and it was just fascinating. It was so you are into this. I remember this is like a while ago You told me about it. Okay, and so well written then that guy who wrote that who I wish I had his name right now Started a pomcast. Yeah dirt the dirty John pomcat. Yeah, I'm listening to it About the you know what he wrote and then they went even further and they They did the This Bravo miniseries and this thing is

Exceptionally well done. It stars Eric Banna and what's her name? Britain Kathy Kenny. I don't know Katie Stan No, Katie Muller. She's great. Connie Britton. Connie Britton. And so anyways the Bravo miniseries So well done about the real story. This is a real psychopath and guess who Absolutely is obsessed with it. Well, if it isn't old psycho pants herself Christina, I am I Listen

You know me. I've been resisting the urge to jump into your shows for about 14 years forever I never do it and for some reason what's the appeal here dirty John got me hooked I am I am deep into the darkness with you. Yeah, fine. We're finally sharing the shows Greg. What what's his last name? Do you know? Oh, oh, sorry, I thought you were telling me the name of the guy So anyway dirty John dirty John you got to see the show on Bravo I'm here's why I'm riveted a the guy's a total psychopath and he Cons women, but he's not just a con artist. He's he's more than that right wouldn't you say he's a master manipulator. He is a That's the name of the guy, but if you look up like if you click on maybe like John me hands his name

Yeah, that's that's who John is but the guy that actually wrote the article and You know did the podcast it's like Craig something There's a podcast to where they go in-depth on it say who that guy is Hmm can't read it Christopher. No, I can't can you make it bigger buddy? Oh Christopher, it's Christopher. Yes, that's who it is. Gofford. Gofford. Yes. That's who wrote the LA Times article That's who started the whole phenomenon and it is a phenomenon. Here's what I love about it So my mother remarried to a psychopath as well, but he was it was a high he was nicer he was just a criminal and

This guy reminds me a little bit of my stepdad the so that's the Actual the bait as the hook. Yeah, cuz he reminds me a little bit of watching that dynamic unfold between my mother and my stepdad Yeah, but I'm more obsessed with Deb The the woman's character enraging to it's I fucking hate her so much so Fucking much and I think what bothers me even more because she falls into the shit So listen, here's the story he gets he cons her they get married within what five weeks The story is that this guy is a he's a lifelong pariah. Okay. Yeah, he's a real target people

Sucks money life joy everything out of them and he does it in real life and in this story he does it to a Four times divorced but successful interior design. This is what really happened. He targets her. She's pretty she's smart She's got her shit together targets her gets her hooks her marries her within eight weeks Right her adult children are like something's up with this fucking guy because he wears scrubs But he's not really an anesthesiologist. They find out they just kind of figure out that like this guy's full of lies And everybody sees it but mom so that's what I find that makes it because we can all relate to that like how do you not see? Yeah, cuz everyone's also had a friend who you're like you're dating this fucking piece of shit Yeah, and they're like what and you know cuz people will see what they want to see totally and this

Guy is just such a piece of shit And it really wraps you in though and the story I don't want to give it away Obviously, I encourage you to read it I encourage you to listen to the podcast and like I said that Bravo show if you just like a good show man That is that show will get you so it's really what it's a minute No, here's my problem with Deb and here's why I'm hooked such an ass. I'll tell you why so Deb is the woman Then he gets right and by the way, she plays her brilliant. She's great Here's why debon furiates me is that yeah

She's one of these people who's so innocent just a deer in headlights big fucking dough I'd what blonde, you know that the gentle nice always got the nice manicure and she just talks That what the world is a bad place and I'm so fucking envious of that being that naive Yes, what it really boy for me. It's my rage that I Will I've never had that privilege of being able to just be a dumb fuck in the world Yeah, and be that naive and innocent like everything's great and the people around Deb protector and like you know what I'm saying like where you just get to be a child your whole life and What kind of infuriates me about this too is

Just a whole through line. They're like you're a victim Deb. You're just a victim. No, you're didn't do anything wrong You're a victim and it's like well, there are so many flags with him and yes Okay, the first time around remember she she does leave him at one point when she finds everything out But then she goes back. That's so it's it's crazy and then they're bitch You're not a victim like are you still do we still get to consider you a fucking victim if you know everything? You keep going back who is like there's one thing where you're so naive that you're oblivious and unaware But when they start telling her and she understands that yes, I is Really gets it. It's laid out. Yeah, she's like, I know

I'm dumb. Oh It's yes, it's infuriating and she puts her children in danger. That's also infuriating like that makes me so mad danger Yeah, I mean and that's why I like these lot lizards. I Give them all the wrong information. Can we talk about lot lizards? I've been fascinated with this idea Yeah, like so tell me about their life like what so because I'm I'm the tour bus champ. I take my bus across the country The bang bus. Yeah, I take the bang bus across the country

And I've worked with a couple drivers and they're really nice guys and but they have this life where you know They literally these dudes drive like a trucker would across the nation Yeah, it's nice and you kind of you know, it's a very specific Type of living where they just get you know, they get used to weird hours and weird living You know, you're not kind of like truck drivers. Yeah, do they sleep in the bus? They step in the cab Yeah, I mean the tour bus drivers have a little bit different that the truck drivers will have a lot of times a cabin They can sleep in there in the bus driving world in tour buses Some drivers will sleep in the bunks, you know, if it's like an arrangement. He's sleeping in the master suite

He's not sleeping on the boat. No, no, I get them hotel rooms. Oh, but I mean when you're not in the bus Oh, I think he sleeps in your bed. Yeah, of course. Yeah, of course, but don't you get grossed out by that? I never I don't know your toilet. No, we don't know when shit's on the bus. You think he brown bags it Maybe hot bags it is that what basically we just you know, we piss in each other's mouths and then we put it in No, but so, you know that this like really like Kind of this traveler's life for real, you know, so you start asking him questions about Sleep and I'm fascinated by that. I'm like, so when do you sleep? Yeah, because he'll drive us through the night You know, and then we arrive somewhere and I'll get up and like, I'm gonna go get coffee

He's like he's like yep. I'm like, wait, when do you sleep? He's like, I'll sleep this afternoon, you know This afternoon. I wish I was one of those people too. I don't need to sleep. Yeah, he'll sleep six seven eight hours But it'll be you know, it'll be arriving to It'll arrive will arrive somewhere and he'll sleep until like the show is over, you know, okay So that's when he yeah, yeah, that's what but anyways we asked him about oh, he told so he told us you So one day we got to the Pittsburgh venue and the Pittsburgh venue Carnegie Music Hall in Pittsburgh super old beautiful venue So old it's one of the only theaters that I've been to that doesn't have showers

Oh, no, so I was like, oh fuck because it's nice to get there. You take your shower before the show So I was like, I guess I'm gonna have to use the bus showers. Well the The bus shower the water because we're in the northeast Was just so cold that it took like an hour to heat it up And I was like, it's it took too long So basically it's the first show in I don't know how long 15 years that I haven't taken a shower before I was stinky where your nuts pretty stinky. I guess I show it later pre-show dumps Of course must have been all gamey. Yeah, but yeah, yeah, yeah

But anyways, then we start asking what we're so oh, he told us he goes You know where the best showers are and I was like where he goes truck stops and I was like what no he goes You have no idea They're like super high high pressure. He's like use nicer showers than you find in like five-star No, I was like, you got to be shitting me. He's like, yeah, and I go how much are they ten bucks? No, and I was like, I want to take a truck stop shower, too Yeah, but don't you run the risk of getting stabbed You get you also like drifters and you also could like meet a cool guy cool Alice. Yeah

Well, then the truck stop shower conversation led to what else happens at truck stops, right good I was like, hey, yeah, are there really he's like lot lizards I like this I like the phrase lot lizards. He's like, oh, yeah I go what happens they knock on your door. They knock on your door. They'll just come up sneak through the A lot of them They ask you if you want some and I go are they everywhere he goes not everywhere He's like California sure has a few the nice weather. Yeah, the lot lizards aren't afraid and sometimes it's a different arrangement Sometimes he said like you'll know like the driver

Well, like obviously read like knows someone in the area. You'll see like cars Pulling in that they're clearly it's been arranged like maybe arranged beforehand. Yeah, like the guy knows That this girl works in this area this lizard. So lizard will show up and then Have I was like, oh, what's that like? He's I don't know about that. Yeah, sure He doesn't know I'm like, you know, he's like deb. I don't know You know about these lot lizards. He's like, no, I'm so innocent I'm just a dummy. Yeah, I wouldn't be in a lot lizard I would I would like I mean I think a fun fantasy would be like a stranded girl, you know

It was like okay, I don't have any way to get I really know where this is going dirty John dirty Tom Dallas. I'm stuck here. I'm like, oh, I'm going to Dallas You are Yeah, come on over and then she gets on the bus. I'm like now you got to pay the toll You know and then like what you do is He's really encouraging you uh, you uh, you you just wear her out and you know in wear her out What do you mean, babe? You know in the bang bus. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you told me you guys take your turns on the lot

That's what I'm saying. Well, I'm saying with this stranded girl. Yeah, it's like she gets the business from me I give it to my stranded girl. I give it to the opening act He runs through her and the driver takes his turn. Uh-huh and then we drop her off nowhere close to House Wow She's like, where is this? I'm like Montana. Good luck. Yeah. Yeah, you shouldn't hitchhike you stupid bitch There you I wasn't gonna go that far. Well, it's a lesson to learn That was a good lesson. Now, but you guys did tell me about a thing called hot bagging. Yeah

What it will tell us what it is. Well, you can't make chocolate on the bus. We learned that two weeks ago Yeah, when you can't I guess on like the really state of the art Um, you're you're telling me like brian reagan's bus. Yeah, you can shit on his but he had a custom designed and right and then So his bus has like this special grinder and there's like coffee beans. Yeah, are you kidding? I swear he told me he goes. What's the point of buying your own bus if you can't shit on it He's got a really good point. I was like, yeah, of course But most of them most of them here's the thing you can shit. Obviously. It's a toilet. You can you can

And and then you know, they'll tell you and you know, if it's an emergency, obviously don't think twice But some of them they're like, you know, that's just the ventilation of it all Sure, the shit is sitting on the bus with you and they're like, it'll you know, I haven't done it But they'll say they say it'll find its way into the vents, you know, like until they clean it out So yeah, the hot bag it you just you know, you grab a bag from target or something And you just put that in there and then you just sit into that and tie it up And then you can just leave it on the front seat, you know For the lot lizard you throw it at her when you're throwing a lot lizard is your payment. Yeah

Keep the change you built the animal. That's right. Yeah Um, I shit into a wag bag Um in afghanistan. Yeah, that's how they do in the war and I threw it into fire garbage hot bag I hot back in afghanistan A lot of people have been um reaching out to us online and yeah and elsewhere about you know, the big news about mortons Oh, don't worry Pulling out getting their money back and like, you know, what are our steakhouse options essentially so We got a number of messages about it. Um, I can read you a few I'd like to hear it. Go ahead

Okay, it says hello mothers. I am the future CEO of outback steakhouse. How do you know that? What Is this real and while I have never set foot in an outback steakhouse Oh I plan on taking the business into my hands. I have applied online to be the CEO. God damn it I don't think he says he has no experience genuine, but he's confident in the next few weeks He'll get the call. All right, and as soon as he gets the call he's signed He's prepared to give us a million dollar check and on top of that all outback locations

Will indeed give you five percent off your entire appetizer even the blooming onion. Yes. Ciao. Kai. Thanks, Kai I really hope they hire us CEO Without any experience. Well, that one is obviously a joke. Let's see if this gets any better um My name is nick. I work for the marketing division of texas roadhouse. Hey, that's a good sound house sounds good I was forwarded your email. Um, we are a fine dining establishment are very active in our increases in brand awareness We're informed that your podcast reaches a very select and unique market and to be honest That's exactly what we're looking for. That's promising great

We need partners that partners that know how to reach the people We don't always connect with you know the sort of people that aren't exactly watching cnn every day and reading the morning newspaper Okay, below is a very specific description of our ideal target customer that we hope to reach through new sponsorships Uh likes fine food including wet and dry age states That's perfect. Check Enjoys a good time with friends in a relaxing environment. Check. Okay Farts belches in public with no remorse. Okay. This doesn't seem real anymore Possible suspect in active murder investigations. Okay

cool guy Likes big sloppy knockers. Yeah, not Burt not Burt If you think this sounds like any level of your loyal listeners and we encourage you to reach out We look forward to having you fart in any of our restaurant Wait a minute. And this is signed big dick nick Geez. All right. So so far we have zero legitimate inquiries um Okay

This one says a steakhouse in korea town I love korea town and they have great meat there. They own I own and run a beautiful steakhouse in korea town Uh, I would love to sponsor your podcast All that we ask is you change the name of the podcast the purpose of the show and everyone it appears in it If you're willing to try it out, we'll donate a hundred dollars for every million viewers To the goggles for gangsta's foundation gosh, I mean this is just this is pathetic such a bummer and the last one Hey, I worked at a steakhouse called kancai like for three years chinese owned So no problems with content, but they are cheap as fuck hit me back with some figures so we can take this

Further try it out. We got sushi and hibachi Thanks, okay. Eli doesn't look like we have any sponsors. Well, that's it. I guess we're steakhouse sponsor free right now I mean, we're still free agents. So if you know anybody Your mom's podcast at gmail.com and make sure you throw Steakhouse in the subject. I do love your burps. Thank you. They make me laugh every time Yeah, have you been following by the way this uh, just the small thing at all? I have I mean I've heard about it Look, I saw first I saw on it. You know, I do love the gram I saw the outpouring of you know

My favorite thing in the world is when people hop on board any of the social justice things like very quickly There's a shooting. They're the first person to support. I am with all of you Fucking like idiots. Yeah, who gives a shit about your fucking dumb I put up a photo of a ribbon when that happened I care Who cares? Why are you doing that? No, it helps nobody Valentine's ones like those are my favorite and they do a picture They're like, this is my partner I love her so much. Do you love your partner?

I know because um Tom obviously Tom and I don't and we don't do that because like I just think it's so fucking cheesy to be like the light of my life This is the one and only you're the inspiration and it's so sincere and earnest like I've I'm just embarrassed by it You're fucking queer, you know It's just it's embarrassing I don't I don't like it. It's more embarrassing when it's like a known person I know I get like your regular person who's like, here's the love of my life

Different but like when the person with like celebrities do it followers is like, yeah, here's my lover Yeah, I do love them. Look, there's a picture showing how much I love them. Yeah, I think that's what I'm saying I don't think regular like everyday people that's normal, but when you're a celebrity and you're like Look at my spouse. Look how wonderful my life is like, bitch. We get at your life is The day I met you was a special day Like I don't think I never forgot that you had a raspberries I hate it. Yeah, because you and I obviously love each other

But the public just like the gaze the public display of it would make me vomit all over myself Yeah, so any hoodles I was on the gram and I saw the outpouring. That's how I know anything happens in the world Is people on instagram reporting it? Yeah, and so jesse small it that's how he's yeah, so he's an actor I mean this story is now enormous, but so what happened was a few weeks ago. He's an actor on empire Right, and uh, he this show has been on for a minute. Yeah. Yeah, it's a wildly successful show He he's on the show news story came out that this dude was attacked at like Two in the morning allegedly allegedly attacked at like two in the morning

Somebody put a noose around his neck beat him poured bleach on him. Yeah said racial homophobic slurs And then was like this maga country, bitch like so like an intense. Yeah hate crime, right? So everybody was like what the fuck? But then like as the story developed it started to have peculiar Details, you know the whole thing is dirty John. Yeah, it's just it's really disturbing and sad, but So ends up what we're at right now at least at the moment of recording this because this story will probably develop more between now and when people Even see or hear this, you know, yeah, but as of right now

what we know for sure is that um Like a a month or a few months ago. He did receive A letter a threatening letter at the production offices And that he was resentful That the letter and the threat didn't receive more attention Right. It was like a homophobic racial Letter because he is openly gay

And I guess it probably is one of those things that was like a blurb maybe and then people didn't really Talk about it much. Well that upset him So what's allegedly Happening right now Is that when that when the the attack happened? You know, obviously people are like we need to find the suspects They researched, you know, all the cameras in the area and they did find two guys walking around at that time So like these are the people of interest

So then they eventually Uh apprehended and arrested the people of interest Turns out there are two Nigerian-American brothers who Go work out at the same gym as him One of them has even appeared on an episode of empire. See that's mistake number one. Yeah And

You know when the police were like we want to see your phone records because apparently he was on the phone with his manager The time of the attack He gave them a redacted version of his phone records big word Um, so things that started to kind of You know not really add up and then when they they spoke to those brothers They released them without charges And the investigation has shifted into

allegedly he just he Perhaps having set up this attack as a ploy For the attention he felt like he deserved from the letter interesting, which is highly disturbing highly disturbing and and he did interviews Oh my god. Oh, right. Yeah, I saw that interview where he was like crying Talking about what was said to him like Really, he's an actor though. He's an actor. So it makes sense. He was he was really crying motherfucker. That's crazy, dude Well, okay mistake number one

Obviously is don't hire people. You know like the guy at the gym You got to put an ad out. You got to say piss on me beat me. Are you Dude, it's the whole thing is a bad idea. It's gonna blow up. It's terrible. It's a bad idea I mean Also, you should see that that these dudes that he Hired to attack them. Yeah, I mean if these guys are allegedly it's hired to if they actually attacked him He would fucking still be in icu. Oh, these dudes are jacked. Really? Yeah, he must have been like look man I mean easy. Take it easy. Yeah. Yeah, like these guys are

Well, I think even from a casting perspective you may want to cast like white big guys to Why would you have to do the hate crime? Yeah, he may as well do it right. He got two black guys. He'd be like you black mother fucker Like wait a minute Yeah, yeah, it doesn't make sense Uh, I heard a rumor that he was they he was getting fired from empire and he was doing this as a way to get attention So yeah, I don't know stuff like that. I don't know. I don't know. It could be true But I mean who knows who knows what's at the root of this, but that's crazy firing

I mean, it's also like it really is sad. It's sad that somebody would orchestrate a fake thing like this Well, and especially like actually get hurt In the process like elicit sympathy from people. Oh, that's so dark You know do that to people so dirty janish, right? Then like you go obviously like he's you know He is let's say anti

Trump right right, but this Actually makes you look worse. Of course because then you're you're creating this fake narrative of something like a of somebody who's like a Trump guy doing that to you, but they didn't do that to you, right? He's making it political Yeah, which but you know by the way if you do make it political you make it about Antitrump that you've rallied now the support of the entertainment industry because Everybody fucking hates trump and showbiz. Well what ends up happening is that Now since he made that shit up

Then like a trump supporter gets to go like oh This look what they're trying to paint me sure right this it's like it the whole thing backfires on them It's it's a really obviously. It's a super Calculated poorly executed idea and if you wanted to do something like that should have talked to me first man What would you've done differently, I don't know um, I probably wouldn't have done this. Yeah Uh, you mean like hey, man, we're gonna have work out this fake hate crime Like so bizarre now Bert would be a good guy to talk to he knows all about hate crimes I think we'll have him in soon and maybe we can run it by him

I bet he'll he'll be like oh, here's how you do this You gotta get drunk first of all you gotta get here alcohol. You don't feel so bad when you say all those words and then words um Speaking of uh, it's just stupid. Bert's retarded. I'm sorry our word. I said our word. I'm sorry God What's gonna happen? I apologize for any mentally challenged listeners that were offended by that Um, did you hear that carl lagerfeld died?

Yeah, the head. Yeah. Yep. I sure did. So I he was the head of chanel right house of chanel I don't know. Wow. He was yeah. So, you know, he's a designer. He's very very famous fashion guy But what I love about him is I love anybody that has the audacity to have such a stylized look because of few oof look at those teethies though That dude looked like a bond villain for 50 years I know and all the every day too by all every day because all the obituaries When I read them they all say he is known for his ponytail and black sunglasses

Like that is such a bold choice. Look at that collar though. I remember that collar And fingerless gloves like who just walks around life wearing shades and fingerless leather gloves Yeah, and a ponytail and also It's not a timeless look This dude wore this every day for a decade and it's not a timeless look. No, it's extremely 80s What do you say? Well, I I would also say it looks like, you know, you see eccentric especially in new york You'll see eccentric older people. Yes walking around you like iris at fuller. Look at this asshole. Yeah, who's Basically, they're wearing. Yeah, they're hot gear from the 80s or 70s and you're like

Yeah, you got to update that shit, man. It's been 40 years. You can't do that. Wait. Did you see his chompers? Yeah, um, by the way, man, go back to his teethies. I mean he had enough money to to take care of his name spelled correctly No, it's wrong. It's logger felt. It's logger felt. I don't know. Maybe maybe it was langenfeld in the beginning l a g e r f e l d i thought try that l a g Oh, yeah, there's way more. Yeah logger felt. Look at that shit Look at that fucking guy To be that comfortable with yourself

I don't know. Is he though? That's really an identity. Look at that collar Here's the thing though. I mean you talk about like couture Like you couldn't wear that fucking thing anywhere, man. People be like, there's a crazy guy. Yeah. Yeah I mean like he gets away with it because he's the designer. Yeah, you expect the designer to be but like I don't know and do you think at some point if I walked around check out my tux. Do you like it? Be like you look like an asshole, man. I mean, he's so fucking old Look at the collar. Look at the collar. I know it's insert But tommy, do you think the ponytail was real hair because he's old is she's 85 when he died

It probably was for for a minute and then but no like a hair extension. Oh, man. Yeah. Well, he died. What did he die of? Just I don't know. Did that collar finally choking out? It's so ridiculous. It's ridiculous. Well, there's all these highly stylized people There's like Anna Wintour like she's another one. She's known for her bob and then there's a iris Oh That's him his last moment What are you saying? Yeah, there's Anna Wintour. She's known for this bob right the bangs and the yeah

But at least I feel like Anna Wintour could um You know somebody could dress like that. Yeah, I mean it's it's high fashion, but you'd be like Oh, yeah, that's a fashion relate that guy. No one could get away. Nobody but him. Yeah No, I mean look she just looks like she looks great. She looks like she's wealthy in nose fashion But type in iris app app full iris a pfel. You ever seen this old lady? She's super Famous Like her you know seeing this wacky old lady. Yeah, she's cute right? She's adorable. Her whole thing like she's wearing like chunky jewelry And the crazy glasses like i'm wacky

But that's kind of what i'm talking about it's an identity in new york You would see this lady walking around and you'd be like i saw the this craziest Most eccentric old lady today Yeah, you know she's she's been rocking that shit for decades for sure. That's her whole thing with her. It looks appealing Yeah, it suits them. Yeah, but that's the thing is that loggerfeld looks like he's like i've got a cum dungeon Is that what you think he's letting you know he's got a cum dungeon. Yeah, it looks like it Yeah, but how come some people can do this and some people can't like if I put all this shit on me People laugh. It's in your essence. It's in your essence. Yeah, like you know that it looks appropriate on her when you look at her

Yeah, you're like, oh she She carries it like it it works her. Yeah, it's because it's because she's not trying to look like that No, she just is that you know, yeah, and even loggerfeld That's like that's that guy's so gay like he's so powerfully gay Yeah, the gayness comes out in like fingerless leather gloves and the ponytail and look like it What's that? That that that's not him missing teeth

Look alike who the fuck is that looks like a Imitator You know it looks like the guy that invented star wars. What's his name? George Lucas? It's just like the gays. Yeah um Yeah, I mean, I don't know Chompers Bro, you got to fix those. I wonder if he was still smashing

Of course like like young Of course hot model guys, of course like last week. Yes, these three like 19-year-old guys were like You said you wanted to take pictures It's like I do but first naked That's his game. He's like, would you like to take pictures picture? make me dry The picture Come over here. I have a hot bag for you. They're like, uh, mr.

loggerfeld, please He's German so he's into all of that viet stuff Thank you, sir Hard fucking core hard fucking core for sure. Yeah Oh Bring up the next hard fucking core guy. Yeah, we got we got some hardcore guys coming. Yeah. Um, we got Kyle Kanane. We got Greg Fitzsimmons. It's gonna be a good Time

That was a very good job. Thanks. Let's just read an email before we take our break here, you know, sure I thought maybe you would want to check this out Uh, here's an email. It says my husband had the same problem For months when we started dating he never had an orgasm during sex. Oh, this is like josh potter josh potter's problem He would always have to jack off At the end of sex and at first I thought it was something I was doing that was wrong Then I realized that when he was single he got comfortable jacking off a lot So I say to josh when you get in a relationship lay off the jacking off

Get it out of your comfort zone. My husband can orgasm during sex now An anonymous mommy. Wow Oh, that's cool. I think maybe uh, it's pretty good advice. What is uh, Josh think of that you think that's josh potter you got to lay off the jerk and bro stop being alone and and having you know hardcore fun hardcore fun with yourself I will say that I uh I have gone periods of time without jacking off like extended periods of time

And do you think it had any relationship with the actual sex then? No, none. No It doesn't do it. It doesn't work because the concept kind of seems I get what they mean. They're like, oh, don't jerk off. Don't look at porn. Yeah It makes more sensitivity and then you jizz faster or whatever, but it doesn't you don't think so it hasn't helped I mean, how long do I got to go years? I don't know the concept of not Pleasuring yourself. It's never done on you like it. Well, it seems like it's elementary, you know It does seem Good one gene. You nailed it. You got me

Bro, you set him up for that one. You've tried this. Yeah in relationships. I've got because I mean like I'm dating someone I'm gonna go a couple weeks without a couple weeks. Okay. Is that not enough? No, but I mean that seems like yeah It seems like right so you have a you had a big build-up in there like it's all backed up the pipe. Well, if I'm having regular Sexual intercourse. Yeah, then you know, I won't jerk off for you know, because I'll be like I'm gonna Have my dick inside something here in a couple of hours something A vagina, you mean? Yeah, or a mouth, you know, whatever. She's Christ you guys Yeah, beehull and then okay, and then it's still you still can't huh? Yeah We got to find you so you've been have have any ladies reached out yet to help josh

I've had a few we'll have to see I mean through my travels I'll have to see if they're serious or not in their endeavors any local women And city of Los Angeles will if you like to make josh part or come Yeah, while I'm here, you know since I do reside in LA if you do Also, then sure. Yeah reach out to me other than that, you know, oh my god How we we got like a few people even messaged me and they were like I'm down to make josh come Yeah, are they in LA County? We need someone LA look there was a I definitely oh there was somebody last week She was cute. She was like

I bet I can make josh come you saw that one Yeah, no, I'm I'm compiling where you are in the in the country ladies And I am going to create a tour based off of where you live and oh you absolutely should Yeah, we'll have a make josh come tour and then you know the city that makes me come Maybe I'll film a special there I think this is this goes without saying I mean this is this is the grossest idea we've ever had This is pretty gross you said greatest wrong There was also

Yeah, there was that there was an adult industry person who said that did you not see that one? Didn't you get that one? Oh, yes. Yes. Yes, uh, you know That one is uh in another state as well But you know it could be coming up here on the make josh come tour dude If you don't follow that's definitely that's definitely an asterisk like you don't follow up on that you we're not friends Am I gonna not follow up on it? I mean, do you know me at all? Okay, because she was like this message was like I work in the adult business and like I bet josh could come inside of me I was like

Wow Respond. Yeah. Yeah. I will I will hitchhike to that fucking city. I don't need a show to do that This is crazy. Well josh, hold on. How can girls get a hold of you? What's the best way? I'm on twitter at j underscore potter or you can find me on instagram at josh underscore potter Yep, or you can send an email to your mom's podcast at gmail.com and in the subject line Put stake out put no No Make josh come. Yes

You can see You can see josh potter right doing his own headlining show with friends March 22nd at the hollywood improv if you go to his twitter page At j underscore potter his pin tweet is a link to the Show. Yeah, and if you come to that, I'll make you come. Oh my god Who do you have? Do you have been practicing that one somebody on the show with you? Uh, yeah, uh, dug meller. It's gonna be on the show

My buddy rob banks is going to be on the show and hosting. It's going to be maddie hanson. Who's hilarious as well Wow Yes Well, good luck coming and I hope you come all over my face I hope you find a local la a smoke show. Yeah, if you're out there in la Uh, I could use some practice here in town. You know, that'd be good for you come out out of the dugout and yeah Throw some hot heaters in my way Oh

Oh I hope so one day there's josh on tour. Please look Or orange county adjacent, maybe riverside county So many, but anyways, I really appreciate that That message from a listener. I think that's very thoughtful. Yeah, thank you Yeah Um Oh my god, this is you want to read this one? Yeah, here you go. That's a long eye. I forgot my fucking glasses

I always forget my goddamn. Yeah Oh christ Helped mom with cockering is the subject Hey, jean, so I was listening to an older pom cast where mommy tina was talking about eating her mom's edible underwear Yeah, and it made me think of my own gross asteroid with mom. Just just just to let you know I didn't eat the entire pair of underwear My mother as we discussed was mentally ill and uh, she would show me about sex and she Had a sex drawer that she would show me all the stuff in and she'd be like, this is edible underwear

It tastes like piña colada and I was so young. I was like, what's piña colada? Like I didn't I I learned what a piña colada was and what edible underwear was all in once it was disgusting So I tasted it. I didn't eat the whole thing Anyway, she says it made me think of my own gross story with my mom when I was 18 I worked in a sex shop in culver city and my mom was very much privy to that information So one day while I was at work. I seen my mother and my aunt at my store picking out items for their men My mom notices me and quickly tries to hide behind a small display table that had our newest collection of vibrators As I clearly spot her and say hi mom

My manager quickly turns and busts out laughing saying how quote cool it was that my mom was a customer We worked on commission at my store So my co-worker who was assisting my mom at the time allows me to ring her and my aunt up Gross which is something I did not want to do in caps But couldn't say no so I helped my mom purchase a vibrating cock ring Five samples of lube and over-the-counter hormone pills for her and her bf Mind you I had barely graduated high school and was mortified to know what my mom was doing in the bedroom This is just one thing I knew too much about in comparison to all the other

Nasty ass things she had asked me in regards to her sex life. Keep it high and tight y'all and no I wouldn't marry my mom from danny. That's that's intense. That's really like mom. You got enough lube Mom's like, you know how I fuck That's how my mom was though and my mother would show me her douche bag Like the old school douche like the bulb and the black thing and the orange bulbs like and she always tell me Men do not like women with stinky pussy. That's true You'll have to wash your vagina And you cannot wear underwear to bed. You have to let your vagina breathe your mom nailed some things

She does know that men don't like women with stinky pussy. That's 100% true But who likes anybody with stinky pussies? It's not there's a few out there. Oh, that's true Maybe josh potter. I don't know Do you like stinky pussies? Uh, no I'm one of those uh, I was weirdos. I'm one of those clean pussy guys I'm into having a clean one too. Yeah, I like it. I like it. Um, that was pretty wild. Here's a I don't want to know anything about how much my parents though, of course How much do you think your parents fuck? I've gotten a few over the years. I mean, I'm almost 40 and my dad, you know

We've had him on the show where he's like I like a full bush That's so nice. I like big tits too. I'm like Even that I'm like it still feels like a it doesn't feel real. It feels like it's a character saying it You know, but it like to think about it would really it will set me in the wrong direction Well, it's inappropriate your children, but can I tell you what I always think about Tommy? Yeah When I'm I thought about it even last night as I was walking around our bedroom I wasn't wearing a bra under my shirt Yeah, and I thought about how when your mom came to visit us about two years ago

Remember I took her bra shopping to get her the right size for her tethus because they're low hanging fruits Yeah, and your father was very upset with me that I actually wanted them supportive bra Yeah, yeah And and I I gave your mom too like a house bra because I wear like around the house without underwear Kind of a loose just something to hold them and he said that he doesn't like her wearing that even That he likes it low and loose and jiggly around the house It's so disturbing I don't want to think about it. I know stop talking. It's so gross. Okay

What do you prefer though? Would you want mine to be hangers low or two? I like you? I mean, I like just you to be comfortable and however your Breast hangs works for me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you don't have to Not be like I would love to wear a bra But My husband's dick gets my husband gets real upset if I yeah Did you realize that makes your dad's dong hard? All right, so we got this other email It says uh, hey hiller. Am I the only one Hitler going to point out?

Holly uh hard rock nick looks like tom who took a left turn earlier in life karson Um, okay. First of all first of all, let me address that too because that's some more retarded shit. I'm gonna get So we profiled Hard rock nick last week. It was it was pretty much it blew up in a lot of ways. Um, this guy's got real problems opening the comments on his uh Instagram they were closed before That's brilliant whoever did that that's kyle johnson made. Oh my goodness, but look if you go to his instagram He had closed comments. I look at those eyebrows. Now they're open. Yeah, it's just like mcdonald's

Or like they went they went a garth. They went crazy on it um So here's what I want to tell you though. We didn't know a lot about and we just saw a cool guy and uh, we we profiled him, you know, we just like played clips and and uh anyways, we When it it got a huge reaction. Like they bombarded his comments He ended up deleting and blocking a lot of them too. What our listeners, uh, you know who did that too like

like we didn't even Tell people but mortons did But anyway I didn't know anything about the guy the mommy army. Let me just say this I didn't know anything about the guy And then like we were sent a lot of people sent us to this twitter handle I'm not going to read this whole thing, but you can read it yourself at b as in boy d as in dog

n as in nancy deep b d and deep that dude has a thread on him that is Disturbed. I mean, you know, it's just a guy's thread. Dirty john style. It's dirty john style. There's another guy who I guess used to be friends with him on On instagram that also has a thing going on But anyways that twitter thread is pretty can you see the picture of tom again as this guy? It's my favorite the picture of him holding the mic from which which

Tours that what special is that tom? That's from disgraceful. Yeah, I still Fuck a lot So ridiculous. Yeah, um, you know what I kept thinking about this week. I mean retarded man I kept thinking about how he used to go he used to have two amazon packages a week and now it's down That's a crazy line. Wait. How do you even conceive like how do you even think of something crazy? I don't know And I don't know and how is that a bragging thing that you went from two down to one? Like shouldn't you be upping your amazon prime deliveries if you're a baller? Are you trying to figure this out? I am trying. I'm trying. I know that makes no sense. He's enigma and you guys um, just so you know

Yeah, you'll hear when we have kyle and it's it's a separate time. So it's like it's still kind of fresh to us Right, so we're excited. Yeah, but now it's like what's going on. Yeah, that's crazy Um, all done. Anyways, we uh, we should be back momentarily with uh, fit Simmons. All right Oh We'll be back to getting physical after this quick break And we are back with One of my absolute favorite comedians in the world absolutely hilarious Podcaster and comedian and writer greg fitzeman. Oh

Welcome boy. Do I like that intro? I mean, that's nice to hear It's so true. You're one of the best comedians in the world. One of my absolute favorites to watch Thankfully, you're here without that dumb broad you were gonna bring Um with the dumb what? He doesn't even know that kind of talk. That's how sweet gregg is a nice guy. No, I was yeah Well, we know you're you have a it isn't a new podcast with her. Yeah, we've done about a dozen episodes Childish allison rosin. She would have been here, but as we all know a lot of women out there Are fully fucking full of shit and it's stupid right so

Well, that's why you can't hire them because they're gonna go get fucking knocked up and it just works Yeah, and like this would have been a cool place to show the dynamic. That's right two of you But now you know, I'll have it with you. I'll pretend that you're her. Okay. I'll do it. Here's uh big news about her Is you know, she's gonna have the baby literally by the time his hair is she may have had it. Yeah Yeah, and she's been constipated Really bad really where she's like using her finger to work it out. Wow Hard pebbles does that. Yeah, and so yesterday she took ready for this. Yeah a nine pound shit What because you know, they they weigh you constantly and she lost nine pounds

Wow, she took a laxative and finally let it out. I have to like left like a week Wow, how much we could have seen those logs. I mean that's gonna be bigger than the baby How much is the baby? That is the baby. That is the baby. That's a baby weight. It's yeah Yeah, now I talked about what did she say what what she saw on the bowler now. Yeah, we'll call it. No, she didn't get into the details We gotta follow up. But she's told me Uh, recently it's been all pebbles. Yeah, it happens. You know the the hormonal shifts plus your intestines are all scrambled Yeah, so it yeah, you have to be very vigilant about browning and I was very vigilant with my browns every day Yeah, he had a lot of fiber he had to get in there

Right sounds like she might have you know, if she was that constipated maybe dehydrated too. Yeah. Yeah, that can that can help I think the baby can draw the liquid. Yeah steal that liquid from you. They're taking everything. They're inside your body Taking your parasites. Yeah, no, I know baby fucking babies. Yeah Before we begin though, I have a why I'm a scout. Oh, yeah, were we told about this or not? I just a surprise to me. Let's get the exclusive out of the way just for the listeners to know And for you. Well, we were waiting for greg to arrive. I saw do you need? Yes. I need some fucking music is a big deal Are your mom's house exclusive? You smelt it here first

go ahead I saw josh potter Yeah, eat something Whoa, yeah, josh is a comedian who also works with us. I just met him. Um, he's hilarious comic He is a human cockroach. He uh, he's like 40 degrees is hot I don't eat. I sleep from 3 p.m. to 8. I can't come with a woman like just Can't come with a woman. No, no He can only come if he takes over and and and and you know strokes it himself

But he can't actually finish so he can just he can just bang for hours and just be like, sorry Oh, so he can make love to a woman. He just can't complain. Have you ever Faked it because you were too drunk to pop. That's a good question. Wow. I did once you did Yeah, and I took the condom off real quick and threw it out before she could see was empty. Oh Yeah Wow What a light faked an orgasm. I was a man. Now see but we can feel but if you're both drunk She probably couldn't feel with a condom on now. Yeah

Just before we move on josh ate a twinkie just so we oh, so we stole still a cockroach. He's gonna live long Yeah, it's still full of nasty shit. So I feel like I faked uh coming with an ugly girl once Oh, like like I just was like, uh, I want this to be over So I was like, oh, I know who was you do I feeling because I know about the trolls that you've porked. You've told me Was it that older woman to all the trolls? My uh, when I fucked my friends auntie. Yes. Yeah, that was bad day. Whoa I was 21 She was in her 40s. So like now that's a crazy 20 some of your age gap. Yeah, and I was hammered

I mean really hammered all I remember was that You know, I definitely didn't finish. I don't think I pretended. I was just He's just stopped. I just remember dude waking up right and Waking up and I'm looking out a window because I'm in bed. I'm looking out this window like where am I? You know like totally coming to this is the next morning. Yeah, where the fuck am I? It's like nine o'clock in the morning I was like, oh so hung over and then I just feel an arm Like around me looks like a movie. Yeah, and I'm like what and she's like hey, baby. Good morning

And I turn and it looked like bill Belichick in a wig I was like, oh and you were Tom Brady. Yeah And then she's like, I'm gonna take a shower. I'll see you And I was like, oh, I'm gonna sprint out of here. Yeah, my clothes is all over the house I get dressed and I was like about to walk out the front door. I realized Not only did I not drive here. I don't know where I am. So I just had to wait Downstairs like kind of pacing nervous. This is before uber. Oh, yeah. I mean, I was 20. So and before me too. Yeah Yeah, then I see on the refrigerator the report cards of her kids

And then the best part is that when I finally she drops me off I was like, oh my god My friend calls me. He's like, did you fuck my aunt? I was like, I think so He's like You got some real uggos in your past You've got some real gnarly bitches in your past. Now if I was her on a regular with with her on a regular basis I'd be like, josh, I couldn't come either. I would just be like, I don't know what it is, but I can't finish I had this uh I had this woman one time and it was a you know, I was a boston comic and we would go out and you know

Me and rogan and burr and all the dane cook. We were doing one nighters all over new england, you know, like Seven nights a week comedy was so we got so fucking lucky. We were born into a time Where there was just gigs Everywhere and so like in the first year that we were doing stand-up comedy. We were on the road Seven nights a week make you know making 25 bucks a pop Maybe 50 on a good night, but you were in your glory probably right? You guys we're making a living The shitty living but we were just smoking pot during the day. Yeah seeing movies fucking around right material And then going off to you drive we drive there was a gig and it was in main and you didn't get a hotel

It was you know, two and a half hours away. There was no hotel. Yeah, and yeah again making like 50 bucks He's man. I have it on gas and I drive up there with a with another comic And we get there we do the show and it's a road house and it's a hell gig and and I remember bombing so bad that I was on stage and I was doing jokes and they were they were nice They weren't Heckling but they were also not laughing and I did a joke and I overheard an older couple in the front row The woman said to the man the paw bastard

Oh Which was worse than being heckled Yeah, it was pity and so there was a couple waitresses there and me and the other comic hooked up With the two waitresses and he went to her place. She drives me to her place She's in a trailer And she's got a three-year-old asleep Her mom is there and just says hi to me like I was the boyfriend coming home from college And then takes off I go in there and she's a skank

And so I don't know. I don't know. I'm drunk. I'm drunk but I start sobering up And as we're fooling around I just realized she's just too good at this Yeah, and I don't want to be I don't want to be with the john mackin row of one night stands in man And so really you actually have that Like in you to go like I'm I don't I'd rather not be that than have sex tonight I don't want to be a number tom. Wow, but this is also like 25 years ago. We're talking about you still had that mentality Yeah, wow and so

We get naked and I remember her chasing me around the bed Trying to put it in her she was grabbing it and trying to pull it into her and me pulling away It was like a wrestling match And it ended with it ended with oral. There was a concession of oral Okay, you're like I'll let you gave in to that gave in woke up in the morning in her bed And again, no fucking idea where I am. I'm in mating. There's no uber That's the worst mark And so her three-year-old gets up and comes in and the three-year-old doesn't even act shocked

This is all normal And so I so I go back to boston and about about three weeks later I run into a buddy man and I'm going to tell you off the air who it is Comedian another boston comedian Yeah, and I see him and this guy was a horn dog and I see him and he goes dude I just did main last night Fuck this girl in her trailer. I go three-year-old. He's like, yeah So we call the agent and we go we want to do the gig together

So like three months later, we walk into the roadhouse Shoulder to shoulder and we see her she's got a tray of drinks practically drops a tray of drinks Cut to After the show in my buddy's car Double team and her what what? Oh, I forgot to mention a detail She's pregnant. Oh What? Yeah, how much better than my story like pregnant like five months. Well, we were there three months before

Do the math Oh, right. Who knows he didn't know He never found out. He never found out. He never got the call all these years Oh, because you gave her mouth babies. You didn't do right. That's right. That's right. Do you think she did she seem pretty good at that? like She was it was like if is there an olympics oral sex? Yeah, yeah, yeah gold medalist. Wow. Yeah, really? Yeah, that's a good thing about skanks is you know, that's what we're talking about lot lizards Have you ever seen or had an experience with a lot lizard god? No, but it sounds like she was kind of close

Like she's a comedy lizard. Yeah, what do you call comedy lizards chuckle fuckers chuckle fuckers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, there's some well-known ones out there. Oh, yeah, like throat zillows of comedy. Yeah, there's uh Yeah, there's one where's there's one. I don't want to say anything in specific on while we're recording But there's a there's a city that I know of that Like a lot of comics have had the experience with one person. What I'll tell you I'll tell you a casino in Connecticut No, it's not Yeah, I'll tell you I'll tell you when we're not recording. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, I gotta ask. Yeah, it's pretty uh That's wild dude. Yeah, double team in her double team. Look at you a little bump triple team in her because there's another there's another human

Does your wife know what a slut you were? You know, we never got into it She hears rumblings, but she's not interested because we met at 30 You know and you both you both have just you've been around you've both been around like I remember Trying to come up. I used to have a bit about this like we trying to come up with pet names for each other That we hadn't already used on somebody else and by the end of the week. I'm norman and she's dude All right, cuz it's gotta be original gotta be a new one. You haven't used before honey's gone. Babe's gone. Yeah. Oh, yeah That's why we call each other jeans. Yeah, that's true. You call each other jeans jeans. That's our nickname for each other

Sweet. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty pretty cool But tom was we hooked up when tom was like 25 Yeah, and you still managed to be a real slut. No, I wasn't though. That's the thing is the they stand out more to her These the the stories Because they weren't with girlfriends. Yeah, my number is low. It's not very high. Right. So how's your numbers? Low I'm not built. She was all monogamous like a fucking nerd. I was in there I'm more of a relationship lady and aids came out when I was in call it like didn't come out with hysteria We have to wear a condom and I had aids so I was in college at the height of like you're gonna get aids and die

You know, right? So that was a huge deterrent for me was disease Yeah, well not like ethical or moral Yeah, I kind of wish I could go back now and of course Imagine if you put your mentality now. Oh my god, your brain into the like 20 year old you. Yeah, so great. I know What would you do differently? Just smash so much. I smashed everything. I mean that girl was a rare exception. Really? Yeah, I put up big numbers Really? Well, I was at Boston University and it was just 30,000 kids So like you could have a one-night stand and never see that person again for four years school with them. That's crazy

I just got an email at my website from a woman who said You don't remember me tongue in your ass. She said she she goes I remember She goes you're coming to Boston. I might come out and see you You won't remember me because we hooked up in college and I saw you a week later and you didn't remember me I felt so bad Yeah, yeah

So but you were real slut back then. Yeah, just was it booze fueled or was it? Yeah, it was a lot of booze Oh, so I think I was just very I was highly motivated Some people I think are just built to like I I I just liked on a night What's more fun on a night to start with your buddies get a good base of alcohol in the apartment go hit a bar Go in pursuit Close And go walk home Whether it's the next next morning walking home. It's 6 a.m. You're built. You have to be built for it though

I really believe that because I here's the thing all my sex Almost all of it almost came to me I was never like like I would be hanging out with friends who were that guy Yeah, and then she said no and she said no and she said no And I would just be like, you know, oh someone just came up started talking to me Yeah, if this goes somewhere cool, right? That's that's why I think my numbers were never crazy You know what's known as a lazy hunter. I was that's what paddy stanger

A millionaire matchmaker. I would be like you're a lazy. You're a venus fly. That's that's totally true because I the big thing For me was like, I'm not gonna put in a lot of effort to this shit. Yeah, you know, suppose it comes to me Well, it wasn't even like that. It wasn't like I'm too good for it. It was literally being lazy Were you good-looking in college? Oh stunning. Was he he's handsome. I I your your hands are now, but I don't know if you were like Uh, well, here's the thing big difference between freshman year and senior year. Yeah about uh, 70 pounds less When I graduated did you play sports? No, so but I got I got to college. I was Fat and by the time I graduated I was In pretty good shape. Yeah, the opposite of what most kids do. Yeah, I was the opposite

Yeah, I lost a bunch of weight, but the motivation was probably To lose the weight was probably to get more Sex, you know, yeah, I think so. Yeah, because you're like You're you're in this environment and then you're like, oh You know, I want to participate more. So I just lost weight worked out more Yeah, and pussies just always just knocking it off stupid So dumb

So many mouths. Yeah. Oh my god. Yeah. You are so nasty. So true Anyways, so you have a 15 year old daughter now. Yeah, how old is your other boo boo? My son is a senior Owen. Oh, and yeah, no one's looking at colleges now crazy It's crazy. We're at the opposite end of the spectrum. Yeah. Oh, I know We're like and today he pulled his leg up to his mouth. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah It's it is such a different, you know, the crazy thing is is you don't spend less mental energy Like you guys are putting in the physical and mental energy But they get to be teenagers and it's still just like

You're constantly there's just meetings. There's strategy meetings every day Because you really feel like and you know, most of the most of the reading I've done on parenting at this stage is There is none just control the border Because their kids their peers are have way more of an influence on them right now than you do as a parent You guys what you were doing now in the first Six to eight years is everything In terms of their morals their choices

You know, how they push themselves how they how they self soothe all those things They're learning now because once they're teenagers, they're just they're liars Yeah, really? Yeah Teenagers just lie and and you take it personally when it first happens like like we went out one night and we're like We're going to a fucking movie hour and a half And we come back and like we can smell liquor and there's a guy running out the back door when we get there

And I just remember they go. Oh, yeah, that's exactly what I did Yeah, and then they lie right in your face. Who is the kid runs? No kid ran out of the back Well, what's the smell of booze on your mouth? I don't know booze. I'm just lying constantly. Yeah And so you just got to kind of go like all right keep them from driving drunk And keep them from getting pregnant. Yeah, no, you know Do you um when you do you go like I know that that's alcohol like do you Do you address the fact that you know you're being lied to or do you go like I'll just accept that I know that I know It's a lie. Well, the the dynamic that we're shooting for is

And it's worked with my son. My son is is a different personality than my daughter My daughter is very like rebellious pushing the limits. She she gets excited by being on the edge I like I remember when she was maybe six And she's in the living room and she puts her arms out and she starts spinning really fast for a long time Then she falls on her back and while she's laying there. She goes This feels so good I was like

And so so I just try to not create this kind of adversarial Environment where she's gonna want to rebel against us and hate us and right to do the opposite of what we say And we and that we've been lucky with that we've when something happens. We talk through it We try to understand why it's happening We try to let her understand where we're coming from and so She's very honest when things go wrong and she gets in trouble. We we Problem solve it as a team. That's that's very unique. It's the opposite of the way I was raised, of course

Yeah, which I think is a lot of what our parenting comes from is like, all right. What did my parents do wrong? I'm gonna overcompensate everything. Yeah All all things But also do you think it's I mean from what I have learned in years of therapy The toddler years come around again in the teen years in a sense, right? So how they were as toddlers theoretically is what they're going to be like as teenagers absolutely and Also for them to be rebelling and to be pushing back on you is totally good Healthy and normal and if they weren't then I'd be worried right the ones that are like, I'm fine. I'm just christian

We're just going to bible study like right you're gonna explode at some point Yeah, and I think the shadow parenting it's very hard because as your kids get older Like you have to shadow parent when your kids are little and they're learning how to walk You have to be a foot away making sure that they don't fall down the stairs And then you have to like make this transition every year. They get older You have to take a step back And redefine your relationship with them and give them more freedom and let them feel autonomous and let them start to You know, uh, like even homework they say don't ever ask your kid. Did you do your homework?

See how their grades are and if the grades are bad, then there's repercussions let them figure out and strategize Support them, you know read their essays that they write say if you want to show them to me I'll give you some feedback and Ask them if they need support But don't hound them every night about did you do this did you do that? You know because then it's all external and they're never gonna learn how to do it themselves Discipline themselves. So so you have to make this transition from shadow parenting to letting them You know make their own mistakes and have their own repercussions

Whether it's from friends or from teachers and and then you just sort of like support support support Yeah, it's brutal, isn't it? It's really hard and it's true their personalities re-emerge like my my son Like he's very he's very much like um He doesn't want us to tell him how to do things And he was about

Four and we were at the airport We're flying to new york and it was one of these like 6 a.m flights where you wake up at 3 30 to get to the airport Haven't had breakfast and we've got like an hour before the plane leaves So I go to starbucks to get some breakfast and I come back and I bought him a blueberry muffin And then I go to give it to him and erin goes no That's a chocolate chip muffin if he eats chocolate before the flight He's gonna be bouncing off the walls Yeah

And so I say and he's already got it in his hand and I say oh and here you can have the muffin top But you can't have the whole muffin And his face turns red steam's steam comes out of his ears. How does he he's about four and he screams You don't know all the rules about muffins And everybody in earshot doubles over laughing at this kid and so uh

And so he's like that as a teenager too. He the only time he gets mad is when we try to micromanage You know how he should live right the muffin. He's a captain of two soccer teams crazy straight a's You know girlfriend nicest Politis kid great. Why fuck with that? Yeah, no you've done it. It sounds we did it great Yeah, awesome home run man. Put all our work on the daughter now. So fifth, but 15's a rough age That is uh, what were you like at 15? Uh night running the streets really nightmare. I had already done lsd at lullapalooza

Wow Taking the bus into goth clubs in hollywood golf clubs on school nights and shit Like running circles around my parents who weren't paying attention But that's the things that my parents weren't great and they were not paying attention If your folks pay attention she can't get it. How much shit can she get into? Did you have older siblings? No, I was an only child, but then I had three step sisters So the middle one and I got into trouble together. Okay. Yeah, but 15's rough, especially now with social media I didn't have that

Pressure of like I hear that teenage girls especially suffer because they're on instagram And then if you didn't get invited to the party You get to see I didn't get oh my daughter my daughter was in a funk for three days last weekend because she didn't get invited To a party. Oh, it's terrible and I and you just look at them and you go I wish there was something I could do or say and you just realize no they just have to Suffer and it's it's so much. You're right. It's more frequent now and it's deeper now because not only did you not get invited You can see who did get it. That's a big difference. Yeah. Yeah, and and everybody looks better than you How great a time they're having yeah, they're gonna post the best pictures, you know, right?

And you can see who's skinnier and hotter and who's got the cuter boyfriend. It's like it's way more pressure now Yeah, back at least in the 90s. We had these anti heroes as girls like you had um, you know, Janine Garofalo you had Um the grunge look or whatever you had like Kathleen Hannah and bikini kill like you actually had anti girls Do you see ghost world? Yeah that that kind of stuff I grew up on too the eight ball comics and yeah Now I don't know what the anti girl culture is because it's all main It's all ariana grande like girls who look perfect and are perfect. Right. I don't know what girls are looking at You don't see the the goth girls anymore. There's no there's no subculture

There's no anti girly culture right now that I know of that a young woman can be like, yeah, I might I'm not perfect I'm not a Barbie. I'd rather be a little stinky a little weird a little punk a little, you know, whatever Yeah, the Kardashians needed like a fat younger sister. They did and then they gave her plastic surgery And they sucked all her fat out now. She's hot. Yeah, which one was that? It used to be wasn't chloe the chunky was a heavy one. Yeah. Yeah, and Kylie was normal and they fixed her And then they kind of just didn't profile the dude as much And then they did and he was fat everyone's like you're fat and gross and they tried to lose some weight and Who's the dude his brother hurt their brother? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

So he got like, you know, he got a lot of attention because he's part of the group Yeah, but they still managed to shame him Yeah, you know make make him be like that doesn't it suck that everyone's hot in your family? Yeah But could you imagine that now like social media as a teenager has got to be No, that would I think I would I think I struggled a lot with teen just the pressures Of fitting into groups. I was always switching schools. I think I think the reality of that without social media was a lot for me to handle I think I would be

Much worse with it. I think it'd be much harder. There's a lot of stuff that our kids are going to go through that we didn't I mean first of all school shootings. Oh my god, you know, that's something that hangs over I mean they see it in the news all the time regularly they my my daughter when she was in Second grade There's a park across the street from her school and they were at this park. It was like, you know spring fucking You know play day where they have little contests and races and And there was a shooter who drove past and shots were fired over the park And they all had to dive on each other my daughter dove on a on a kind of little preschooler and laid on top of her

and then they had to go into this like Rec area and stay in the basement for like three hours because the guy was on the loose for like an hour He killed like four people. Remember what's Santa Monica? Killed like four people and then they they killed him at Santa Monica college. Oh good. So she experienced the school shooting in second grade We didn't have to deal with that No, no That's crazy. And and I think they are picking up on, you know, your kids will hopefully Hopefully the world will change but politically. I just know, you know, they're they're looking at a world with

You know politics that's so divisive and so toxic And they're looking at they know that the the disglobal warming they understand That you know, they're looking at these dates that come out in the news Like in 2030 if we don't turn things around it's too late and and they're they're look they're gonna be old during that time I'm I'm sort of like fuck it. I'll be dead. Yeah, but they're gonna be dealing with that Well, I will say to the millennials credit into this. I don't know. What's what's a generation after millennial? I don't know Jen why Jen why whatever Is that they do have more of a consciousness about this stuff?

And the global consciousness that we just don't have because of the internet and they create businesses that help The world and shit like that. So I don't know. I think they're good. I think they're gonna create stuff that's gonna help Yeah, they have totally different consciousness. I know they are they're good people. They are yeah, they don't they they like They've incorporated capitalism with like causes and shit. Yeah, whereas our generation was like foot capitalism and ragency, you know Yeah Materialistic right right and they better be a time materialistic and not making any fucking money. They're all gonna be broke Everything's gonna be automated by the time they get out of college. Yeah. Yeah, that's true anyways

Here's a fart mic in case you have any I forgot to tell you earlier What's the fart mic? It's just if you have to fart. We prefer to do it. Oh really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, all right Mine are a little corny today. Really? Yeah, I drive driving up here. I had an essence of ethanol to it Yeah, what do you think that's from? Um, well last night our refrigerator died. So last night We just ate everything that was in the freezer like frozen pizzas and egg rolls ran its course the fridge No, it the guy came today. It just it needs like some kind of there's a starter in a refrigerator that died So it's just packed in some weird stuff

We just killed it. We just threw everything in the microwave and just sat in front of the tv and watched sopranos and felt like an eight Shitty frozen. That's awesome. Now you must have some crazy farts. Yeah, the farts are intense. Yeah. It was a great day to be here I just hope I can you know Show up. Well, let me know when it's ready. Okay, I'll I'll turn it on. All right. First of all, we got to get it out from under Now this is dangerous right now the way it's rigged. Yeah A little dangerous. Did you watch the show Dirty John? No, not good. Okay. You got to get into it What is it? Netflix? It's a con man show. No, no, it's on bravo tv And he seduces women then he steals half their money and shit. He's real psycho. Oh, nice

Yeah, it's cool. Get your daughter to watch it so she can be aware that they're psychos. Is she dating? Is she dating? No, not dating. Okay, good. She's uh, she's a surfer. She spends a lot of time She goes before she'll go before school You should you should pull it uh to the left under here Like that. Sorry guys. We're having fart mic difficulties. Yeah. Yeah, sorry. We gotta make sure it's ready to go for your ethanol farts A couple days a week. She gets up before school and goes and fucking surfs in february in what in the pacific ocean She's really she's a good kid. Yeah, she's intense Man, wow. Yeah, did you hear that? Yeah, that sounds wild though. Yeah, and then uh, they and then she she surfs for her high school team

That's her that's her gym class. It counts as your gym press. I wish I could have done that Maybe these competitions all up and down the coast they surf against kids from san francisco and san diego Do you realize like when she goes to college or even for the rest of her life? And tells that to 99.9% of people they'll be like you're making that up. All right, all right You surfed for school. I know it doesn't sound real. Yeah, I want to join her shit now Yeah, it's uh, she she's got a good and then skate. There's a skateboard park in venice beach. You ever been to that? Yes, I've seen it. It's really intense. They spent some money and they but it's like uh, all the all the kind of tough Punk skater kids hang out there and that's where she spends a lot of her time. Okay. Yeah, okay

That's good though. I'll tell you why she's gonna be a badass bitch. She will be a badass. She's gonna take shit from nobody She's already talking about the tattoos and yeah, you know when i'm 18 I don't need your permission, but if you give me your permission now, I'll help you pick the one that Yeah, no, I don't fall for that. Are you guys have tattoos? I have one tram stamp. I got in the 90s. Yeah, what is it? It's a dragon. Nice. It's the lamest. I hate it and I want it. I want it removed you hit that shit, tom Oh, yeah, all the time. I also got I got the word poison under my waistband with an arrow pointing to my dick And uh chicks seem to dig that A lot of college girls were into it

Greg do you have one? He really likes that. He really tickled Greg's fancy with that one. I think the family's all gonna get Irish harps Once the kids are old enough. Really? That's cool. Yeah, because you know that was the symbol of uh The rebellion against the British when they occupied us is they they they tried to kill our culture By not allowing us to drink alcohol To speak Gaelic or play the harp And so they would hide harps in the basements of farms in the country And then they would sneak out there and they would uh, they would have uh sessions music sessions and they play the harp

Geez, do you play the harp now? Almost constantly. Have you done shows? I wish you would. No, dude. I'm looking to yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to do it Bring me with you, man. I'll go with you. Would you really fuck? Yeah, I'll go for I'll go for no money Just bring me. Oh my goodness because my family wants to go too And I think we're I think we're planning a trip not this summer, but the following summer with my mom and sister and everything so, um Yeah, I mean the shows are apparently amazing. I heard I heard I think I would feel kind of dumb though They're just so

They're their language is so much broader than ours and so much more colorful. Yeah Do you know that I did a show once abroad? where I was given credit For a concept in the joke that I wasn't doing Like in the write-ups Like uh, they were like and then and I read the explanation of how smart it was and I was like, that's not what I was doing You're like, that was a fart joke. Yeah. No, I was just like I was

They were like and then he double played back on it Showing us how his critique of like he was playing the part of a dumb person as he said I was just Speaking how I speak his persona and his satire. We're dead on. Nope. Just being dumb That was just being me Yeah, you're they are definitely. Yeah, there's there is like just a richer vocabulary and yeah, they are way smarter than us Europeans I'd say in general. Yeah. Well, they say their high school education is equal to like our college education Absolutely

I studied one year abroad in England and for college that that one year I learned more than My entire education in the u.s. Were you struggling? Were you like behind the other students? Um, I don't know. It's a different system there. It's a tutorial system. So I don't know. Yeah, the other kids It's like one-on-one shit. So right you didn't I don't know what other people got. No, they're all smart Yeah, I think so. I remember my classes I did I did a semester in Madrid and all those classes at University of Madrid were Way more intense than the ones back home. Yeah. Yeah for sure for sure. Yeah, you fluent in spanish I mean, I pretty good. I was completely rocking and rolling in that era because did you a lot of posts back then too?

Not really in Madrid. I didn't actually you didn't get spanish posts. I didn't I didn't I'd love you. Yeah. Wow, that's right Damn, I know I know I really didn't but but man the the class I mean you were You those those they didn't set us up like americans for Classes in spain. They just registered us For classes at the university, right, right, right. So you're with this general pop. Oh, yeah Oh, so it wasn't english-speaking classes. No. Oh, wow Yeah, so we're doing term papers and everything in spanish, you know with with spanish students. Yeah, yeah

That was intense. Yeah, my kids both They go to a spanish immersion program So they started in kindergarten and and they spoke two-thirds of their classes for the first three years were only in spanish Wow, and half the kids are from spanish-speaking homes. So they Homes and so they so they like have no they're fluent. They still take three classes a day in spanish in high school And uh, like we went to spain and they're like, oh, yeah, they don't have an american accent. They have like a Central american accent because all their teachers are native speakers So that's just how they learned it. Do you speak anything else besides english french?

Really? Yeah, i'm jealous of that. Say something fancy Say lick my scrum Or lick my beehole You know, you can just say something else. Je me parle français You know what I speak it well in montreal way better than in france montreal. They are like, hey, this will be fun Let's talk french together. You know, you talk to the cab driver. They're totally into it You go to france and you speak in french and they answer you in english. Oh, they know

Like no, that's happened to me here with spanish Where um, I used to do a bit about it that That when I would speak spanish to a guy who clearly speaks spanish like as in my mind as a way to Just ease up, you know, make make it easier. Yeah, I know you speak spanish. I speak spanish I'll just speak spanish to you They would answer me in english Yeah, and it was like they didn't like my assumption That I needed to speak spanish, right, you know, right, so they would always ask me back in english and i'm like

Why are you doing it? My spanish is better than you're like, why yeah, they're just like, well my english was good enough Well, a lot of times for first generation um spanish speakers in this country they They don't want to be associated with Recent immigrants and so they won't speak it and that's part of the proud this spanish immersion program In Santa Monica school edison language academy. It's a public school and uh, they can't get spanish speakers because

The they don't realize that their kids have an asset to be bilingual. Yeah in this world Yeah, no, it's great, but they are like no, I don't want my kids speaking spanish and it's like no It's like an insecurity that's keeping them from doing it. Yeah, right Um, are you familiar with dad boners? No, okay, so there's a certain type of guy It's usually guys. Honestly, they're usually white guys And they get a level of excitement That is off the charts like that The type of excitement you should reserve for like winning the lottery or something, but they get it for just

Goofy shit shit that you shouldn't get excited for at all and we love featuring them Yeah, and showing them so there's a new one But to get to the new one we want to show you like the exemplary dad boner. Okay, so this guy made a video of Him coming to a part in the trans canada highway where like it It's where where it was it connected at some point And look at how thrilled he is at a fucking highway. Okay. This is just to give you an idea So here's where it was paved. I finally found this section

Where it was paved. All right. Okay Okay well Here we are This is the trans canada highway, baby and we are Standing in beautiful sunny british columbia At the kilometer marker

7128 And this is where I believe with a 90 percent No make that 95 percent Oh, 95 percent that this is in fact the very place Where the trans canada paved its last section

Oh, yeah Right here. This is where the west meets the east I mean let's go let's go for a run on her shall we. Canada has an asphalt belt And this is the buckle Whoo, I want to see if I can't I got to be careful here, but I am this is Because I don't want to get in the way of a truck Slide over how you can see it Okay, so

That's a real person. I'm so jealous that he can summon that excitement. Right. That's what we always say I mean, here's the thing and then be joyful. Sometimes if we've been sent clips of like a guy with a similar reaction to let's say Trains well a train see what that would be appropriate. I'm saying the ones that don't fit would be Somebody's seeing something in nature like whale watching and they'll react. I'm like, yeah, but that's that merits a huge reaction Seeing something amazing seeing a fucking highway. It's like do get your shit together. Yeah inanimate object Yeah, what's going on there? The train thing, of course was nuts. So here's a new one. Are you ready? Oh, I miss the dad boners. Okay. Yeah, thank god. I love these We're here at

aliotos We have a treat for you look over there It's a vintage old odys elevator National elevators and Florida elevators both filmed these before. Oh, look at this. I haven't leveled right. Oh All right, let's wait for it to close This is a nice elevator

This is awesome. I love this elevator. Uh-huh. Yeah, these are your fixtures. They're odys with black buttons Oh, it's just like the one at the houston club building. Yeah, but unfortunately it got demolished. Why don't you start jacking off, man? Here we go Hit a number on the back of his hand. Did you see that? Oh, it's hydraulic It's a helicopter. I realize this is a hydro Wow It's an elevator Is there anything worse than getting in a shitty elevator? Yeah, you know, like when you get in you're like, god, this fucking thing sucks

And you can hear the engine and this guy's like Oh Well, and apparently he hasn't lived in a shitty apartment complex because that's pretty exciting Yeah, man. If I know if you go to a fountain and vine Uh, there's a couple ones might be thrilled. Yeah some odys ones in hollywood So uh, jack your dick and any of the places we used to live in what's the what's do you remember? The last thing you kind of got that excited about. Oh god um

Lexa pro I'm trying to think you saw you you'd make fun of you said I get excited about I don't know crime show Yeah, man insane serial killers Ted Bundy new new movies hitler docs stuff like that That'll get that level of excited. Not like that. How about you Greg? Oh, I know my uh, my friend ann bought a an old 560 sl those Mercedes like the convertibles. Yes, that's cool And she she fully restored it and I just I don't know I used to be a parking attendant For years you were yeah, and I and that car this guy ron fischetti Who was a uh, he was the lawyer for the gambino crime family

And he used to pull up in that car and I used to fucking joy right if you're listening ron fischetti. Thank you And uh, sorry about the gas and I used to join right I would join right it was it was fucking the thing was a tank It weighed like 3 000 pounds, but it was a v8 and that thing flew But it just had to smooth this ride And so when she pulled up in that I had to I had to drive it She let me drive it and it's got the giant steering wheel I know you're talking about with the power steering You know that early you got excited about though. Yeah, I get excited about cars. I really like cars. Yeah, so that but I mean

I don't even yeah, I probably would on on a certain day if you showed me a certain car I might geek out. Yeah, but what cars muscle cars No, I mean I like I don't know I I I geeked out as a kid over a lot of exotics Yeah, and then and then just like sport. Yeah, I didn't really I wasn't really in the lambos But like I like sports cars in general. So like Porsches um Be certain BMWs. Um, I even like Mercedes like amg gts. I think are awesome

But yeah, I mean I've I've seen ferrari's certain ones in person where I've Definitely been like holy shit. Look at this thing. Yeah, because it looks like a like a painting It's like a piece of artwork It is and it's and it's great because you can drive it It's like a piece of art that you can actually yeah take out an experience again and again And you know they say money camp by happiness, but it's not true If you have a car, yeah, that brings you joy every time you get in it That that improves your life that does it does if you get in a car where when you start the engine

You're like, ah, that's that's happening to you every day. Yeah, you know Like I always liked old old mustangs and that that rumble when you'd sit down and just felt it underneath big part of it Yeah, and the noise of it. Yeah. Yeah, I think those 66 mustangs. Yeah. Yeah, those are Those are pretty choice, man. What's the fastest car you've ever owned the fastest car I've ever owned Nothing crazy. No, no, I've never had like a lightning fast car I mean everybody now too like even Rogan was saying, you know that his he got that a tesla and that it's way faster than his gt3 rs

No, shit. Yeah, he's like this thing is insane. Wow, and they're releasing a new one Tesla's gonna release a roadster that goes zero to 60 in 1.9 seconds Which is like, yeah, that's out of this world. I mean, there's nothing like that. That's like a second faster Yeah Than a ferrari. I mean one To 60 miles an hour. I mean come on Yeah, and there's so many horses in there. It's doing a quarter mile in like eight seconds Damn, that's that's a really really question. How fast can it stop? I know equally as important very important

Yeah, and they're doing it by the way that roadster will be 200 000 dollars Which is a lot of money, but it's a fraction the cost of the cars that are performing at that speed. Yeah so, you know, you're talking about la ferrari or the mclaren Sienna or the six seven whatever it is six 70 lp those cars that are in that Two and a half to three second range. There's hundreds of thousands more. Yeah. Yeah Some of them are over a million dollars, right and then tesla's like 200 grand go 1.9 seconds Tesla needs something right to come back. Aren't they in trouble financially?

They've been in financial kind of trouble, but I don't know. I mean if this model three really works out that's where That's the chief one, right? Yeah, that's that could be the savior. How much is that gonna cost? It's supposed to be 35 grand I'll take one. Oh, that's reasonable. I have a Prius right now And uh, I'm kind of done. I'm kind of done with it. What's going on? I've had it for eight years and I just never felt I just I feel little in it. Mm-hmm. And I think maybe because I'm a small person That's like a complex for me. Sure is when like like this guy in a pickup truck just pulled up next to me I cut him off apparently I didn't mean to but it was a merging situation and he wasn't giving me room and I I took it

He followed me home. What and I was taking extra turns to see if he was following me And he was in one of those big like You know Ford f-250s, which is so fun. Unless you have pool cleaning equipment in the back or something You're a douche if you live in a city and you drive a pickup just to drive a pickup. Yeah, you're a douche And so he follows me to my house and I stop like a block short And he pulls up next to me and he goes hey you cut me off in your faggoty car And I just started laughing. I was like

That's pretty great. It just made me laugh and it totally disarmed him He didn't know how to handle it because he wanted me to push back Sure, and I saw him pick something up as he pulled up next to me. Fuck So I was scared, but then the laughter just diffused the whole situation and then I let him curse You know, he had a nice chest full of curses for me And then he pulled off and that was it. Wow. Yeah, man. I mean that's terrifying People are crazy now That's so crazy. That's so scary. I mean, I've gotten mad like anybody else, but I'm gonna follow you. Yeah

I had one time a guy accidentally I cut off in um freeway traffic And he started to swerve his car to pretend he was gonna try to threaten to hit my car Do you know what I'm saying? Like he was like, man, like that's a psycho move and I was like, whoa, bro I was maybe 26 years old. I was like in a Chevy nova like what are you doing, bro? Like I was with you one time where you scared the shit out of me When you were at the wheel We were at it. We were the second car to stop sign It's gonna turn on to a busier street and the car in front of us like just didn't go right away

She's like, huh? I was like, oh boy, and then when we finally turned it was a car of three guys And they just start to chill back to see like what's up with blondie Honkin, and I'm like, yeah I'm sure the only reason they didn't fuck with us more is that you saw the other guys in the car Yeah, but then I was like you are I had never seen this side. It must have been a weird day for me jeans I was like, do you always drive like this? Like come on go. No, I must have been going through something that Yeah, one of you seen me do that recently. Yeah, I haven't I just scared the shit out of me. I was like, is this what you always do?

That's before therapy. Maybe maybe maybe it was a while ago Yeah, it sounds like it's scarred you. I'm sorry. Yeah. No, I've think about it all time I was like, that's shit Because it puts you totally in a position if they're not gonna hit her they're gonna hit you And then also I'm like, great. I gotta get ready to fight right now. Yeah You couldn't wait two seconds at the stop sign. That's the plan man. Just trying to get you to fucking fight Fight man up. You guy or what? Yeah

I had this guy one time and I was driving my son to preschool and so he's like What is that for preschool? So he's sitting in the back and I get to a four-way stop and this guy runs his stop sign And goes wide in front of my car And so I honk at him and then he gives me the finger but he can't get past me because he went so wide So I got out of my car and I went up and I punched his window as hard as I could And then he pulled away and I stood in the middle of the road waving him back And I look over and I see my son just staring at him and I'm like good modeling

And so the guy kept going And then cut to like two weeks later I'm at a kids party and there's a little bouncy house and I'm watching my kid and this guy Jeff is standing next to me and he's watching his kid We're drinking fucking juice boxes and hating life and he goes uh, he goes that was me I go, what are you talking about? He goes you punched my window a couple weeks ago That was you and he was the guy who uh He he created lost he he well he he was the he wrote the pilot with j.g. Abrams. Oh, what?

My god So he had a take me back to what led to the incident though He went wide on the turn so wide that I had to slam on my brakes And then I jumped out of the car because so he was stopped though once you once that yeah And then you get out of your car get out of my car punch the passenger window Yeah, were you afraid you break the glass though? You punch a window. I have rage problems. Oh, right, right? I've been arrested three times for fighting. Seriously. This is why I quit drinking. Yeah, wow That's I would never know. I know. I know. I'm a very different person. You're so docile and sweet. Yep

Lot of therapy a lot of therapy and I quit drinking. Yeah, that's probably huge It always had almost always had when I was drinking and uh, the lights just go and I just I just snap But at that time you were um Sober, yeah, you're sober. Yeah, and so when you when he tells you that was me We laughed but it wasn't a good enough of a laugh To release all the Awkwardness. Yeah, right You know

Because I think we both have rage problems him also. Yeah Did he uh, that's nice then do you think that That he Knew he knew like when when he saw you was like, that's greg when you did it or no Yeah, how you do and I think he knew that I was in a white rage and didn't even take in Maybe maybe the light was hitting the glass. I couldn't see him as well or whatever But I didn't recognize him and did you so you knew him though at the time? Oh, yeah, I knew him

But you just didn't realize it. They didn't realize it was him. Fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you could have gone right through that window. I know But I really think my kids have my kids have seen me get angry a number of times I try to control it but You know, my father had it my father used to fucking I remember one time he uh He grabbed we were in a bar and I saw him grab a guy and throw him against the wall And he used to come home with he came home with a black eye one time And uh, yeah, he was he was a really he was six foot two from the Bronx. So I got it from him I think uh most definitely. Yeah, plus that's a generation that they didn't have

You know therapy or talking. Yeah, you're considered a massive pussy if you share your feelings about stuff, right? So, yeah I think it's a new york thing also for sure Cultural it's it's irish. It's very irish. I wrote a book Called dear mrs. Fitzsimmons and it was a collection of letters That were sent to my mother throughout my life from from school like bad report cards Letters from the principal and then she would clip out when I would get arrested for like vandalism as a teenager She would cut it out of the paper And she had I found a shoebox in the in the Bronx in the basement

And it was uh, it was like a fucking trophy case of everything I'd ever done wrong in my life Now that's an odd choice really funny that a parent would keep those things I wouldn't personally that's not something I would keep right children's right, you know, they would laugh They would read it. Oh, they would there was one time where I was at a uh I was supposed to be at school But there was a golf tournament Yeah, and we went to the westchester country club and we drank all day was my me and my friend nixzapia He had a motorcycle

This is when he would drink and drive a motorcycle And we went to the golf tournament we drank all day and there's uh, and there's a um, so I go home And the next day we're at dinner and my father goes so I was school yesterday I got a fucking sunburn. I'm like, it was good. It's good. What'd you learn? I go, you know the usual math I remember reading catcher in the ride, you know, everything's fun And he goes, oh, that's interesting and he pulls out the new york times and the front page of the sports section Is gary hall burger hitting a wood out of the woods and me standing behind him watching him hit the shot And he showed it to me and then they fucking laughed their asses off

They did they laughed every time they thought it was because it's irish It's like an irish thing of like being rebellious. They're like, this is great. Yeah. Yeah, that's kind of fucking awesome. Yeah I mean, it's not in like a parenting handbook, but it's pretty awesome It's pretty great. Yeah, because I secretly when my son is a little rebellious. I like it. Yeah, I am like, yeah You put a brick in it, bro. Like I'd rather him be like that Then compliant and docile. I'd rather him be a little like this is what I'm gonna fuck you. You know, yeah We both we both really like that. He um, you know, he's three but he'll go I'd like to play alone, please I fucking because I I see myself in that too of like, why don't you just get away from me?

And uh, he's like especially when I'm like, hey, buddy, I give him like a kiss. I love he's like, please let me play alone All right That's awesome. And I have to go like the other side of the room, you know, and he's like, ah, just give me a little fucking space Yeah, right. That's great. Yeah, I love it. Yeah, I like it. I love it. I like that. He communicates that way Yeah, me too. That's really healthy. Thank god. Before we forget, I don't even know if we addressed it Where can people see you coming up? We were talking about it before and your new podcast with allison rosen It's called childish and it's on, you know, the usual zytoons and the childish pod Subscribe subscribe rate review subscribe. Check it out. It's doing really well

We got on all the charts and we got a lot a bunch of nice reviews from people childish pod It's just called childish, but it's the childish pod is the what's the social media is all childish pod on twitter Um, and then I got some stand-up date and then fits dog radio is my podcast you guys have been on that many times Oh, yes, and then I got some dates coming up. I will be at the uh, eagle something casino in michigan It's a good one up on uh, in the howling eagle some shits. Yeah February 27th February 28th through march 2nd at the uh, grand rapids michigan Dr. Grins dr. Grins at the bob at the bob, right and then I'll be at the sycamore tavern march 12th

springfield mass march 15 through six 14 through 16 And then uh march 17th at the hollywood improv. I do my big st. Patrick's day show If you guys are around, I'd love to have you uh, I might be around. We have our baptism that we do on st. Patrick's day Yeah, we did intentionally so we can get fucking Not you're right Fated bro. It's so we don't have to take another class. Yeah, it falls in like there's like a schedule Way to take three years our first kid

Baptized yeah, and then we had to schedule obviously the second son and uh, they're like if you do it in this window You don't have to take class. Oh, no, shit. We're like, we'll see you march Because if we waited even like a month or something, yeah, we'd have to do the whole thing again So how catholic are you guys not very just the family things cultural cultural I'm we're literally doing because my parents are alive, right? Yeah We didn't do it and uh, I'm convinced my mother did it behind our backs because you know with catholics It doesn't have to be a priest anybody who's a catholic Who is in good standing who's done their confession and taking their communion recently

Can um, can grab a kid and uh do a few prayers. They're really are you kidding me? Yeah, I mean we took those fucking classes for nothing. Well, not only that god damn it We were gonna get married on a beach. Yeah, my dad was like, buddy You'll break everybody's heart if you do that. I was like, what? Yeah Yeah, you got to do it church and then when I first when when we were talking about the our older kid Getting baptized. I was like, yeah, I don't care and my parents were like, what? I was like, all right, sure fine. Yeah. Yeah, that's how I feel about almost all of it. Like, yeah Yeah, we'll give him the option if he wants to be catholic. He's already in the system. Yeah, not big deal

I wouldn't have grown further apart from it. Oh, no, like I was raised Like pretty catholic and I'm like, yeah, I don't care. Like yeah, I was raised ccd class on wednesday and mass on sunday And all the all the uh, yeah all the sacraments I loved it But thank god and then I had a very I was very upset when I realized that a lot of it was uh made up. Yeah Yeah, I was really violated by that. I loved it as a as a small kid I loved it even like eight nine ten years old. Yeah, this is great. I had a whole thing. I talked to I talked to god

You know in my head. I talked to me wasn't like the usual like begging for shit when you needed from god It was just more like I really they you know, I had grew up in a great church It was very like progressive and I liked the priests and you know CCD classes were very enlightening great parents were teaching and I just felt really comfortable with it I didn't have there's a lot of shame Yeah, I think but You know, I think a lot of the new testament stuff really I connected with But it's all gone now. Do you hear kids? Do you like are they my daughter?

I think because she grew up with so many latina kids with the crosses and the first communions and all that And then my mother is super catholic. So she takes them to church all the time. My daughter loves it And she does she wants to know every she's a very deep Thinker my daughter can sit and stare into space For a half an hour straight. She was always like that And so she was captivated by the mythology of the church and like, you know We'll go to church and she want me to explain like the transfiguration and the ascension and all the all the heavy stuff

And and it makes her like we went into a church one day and She lit a candle and was sitting there kneeling. She was seven years old. I was like, what are you doing? And she goes, I'm praying for your father Never met my dad I was like, wow Whoa, and you're Is your son into it? No

No He's uh into dianetics right now He's reading about it. He thinks it'll help his acting career. No He's right it. Well Fucking so I know So gullible too. I was like, oh no I didn't want to say anything negative. I thought he was like a straight a kid. It's like the Boy Scouts, but it's dianetics Dude, you are the best, uh, absolutely when I say this I've I've not I don't say this about most people

One of the best comedians I've ever seen really is every time if I'm anywhere and you're on stage I make it a point to stay in the room. Wow. That's really nice. Thank you so much. You're very funny You are one of the best go see him live Download subscribe rate and review the childish podcast that he's down doing with Alison Rosen who uh got bless. Hope everything goes well. Yeah in the hospital and um That's that that's it jeans. Thank you for coming. Have me on. It's great seeing you We'll be back to loving each other all of us after this quick break

And finally I mean finally People are like, what's the beef? Do you guys have beef? It's like, yeah, man. We've been button heads for years But we we were able to squash that beef just for the podcasting world. Sure good friend hilarious comedian Kyle canane And no, it's weird people say shit like that and they'll be like really absolutely about Kyle No, just like when you have like obviously we've been friends with Kyle for over a decade

And then it just occurs to you. You're like, oh, yeah, we've never podcasted, but I've never I never I don't know. I've never given thought to something like that. Like you just go like I don't know. Well, that hurts. Well, I'm sorry But I mean have we been friends this whole time? I thought so. I mean, I just don't I don't know I sometimes you you look at the list of names that you realize you're like, oh, I've never podcasted with this person But it's only for just absent-mindedness. Yeah, what about the forgettable Kyle canane? We can hit them on the show No, you're not forget now. We got beef broke now. We got home. No, you're amazing. You're amazing. I came here to start beef I love it. I don't know

Well, you're very funny Why didn't you have kyle on before? Oh, he's very busy. He's always on the road. He's always doing stuff I've been around for like six weeks right now guys And he's a chapstick enthusiast. Yeah. Oh god. I'm into that lip balm. What kind of you got? Let's talk about it You know what? This is a random one at my house that didn't have a label on it So let me look at it open it up. I'll tell you what it looks. Oh, gee. It looks oh gee medicated Yeah, I'm gonna go original original does it smell like an original chapstick Is it kind of medicate? Yeah, medicine II

I think it's just oh gee Oh, by the way, Kyle, we have a fart mic here. I don't know what you had for lunch But if you feel like farting there's a microphone here and just let me know and we'll turn it on and you can fart into it Oh, it's her idea Who's take who's taking you up on that? Oh, I'll let her answer that. I mean I have have has a guest farted yet Nope, what's the what's the maintenance of that microphone between There's no maintenance usually goes from Christina's ass to the desk

She didn't she didn't want us to you farted in there too once so when we were having this uh studio set up I was like, so we'll shoot next week and she was like is the fart mic ready I was like, I'm not really worried about that and she was like, why are we even moving to that studio? No, is it just which 12 year old version of which one he was like one day Because I had mixed I had mixed tapes of just farting at a boombox But the fact that you have the actual what is that sm 58 Yeah, the sure the sure sm 58. Sorry. This is the uh, the 48 Did you go into guitar center with like the specifics of like I need a microphone for a very very special

It's specialized. There's a specific mission. We're like, is it unidirectional. Oh, yeah It's coming down from it's a one way What did you say you farted out of a boombox So you did I farted into a boombox back when you could just record And that was has the built-in microphone. Yeah, that was the the funniest thing I could have ever heard as a child was to fart and then play it back Genius, I never thought of that. Yeah, just blasted into the magnavox. Yeah, that's how old were you think so smart I think I said to I think I had be single digits

Oh, yeah, I think I was even younger than that back when the double deck the double deck. Christina. You hear that? Single digits, maybe eight or nine years old. He was right that he was he invented fart mic And here's a fart mic right now for us I'll see what I can do You're you're more than welcome to it, you know, just give us a signal if you don't mind I haven't had my mom say she was sad with what I've done recently Let's see if we can get that ticker count again Are you on a vegan diet vegetarian? I knew it. Are you knew it? I could sense your do which which means I

Made some mac and cheese and I made a can of amy's chili and I just mixed them together today. Oh, yeah That's me being a chef. That's good. The amy's chili will make you fart for sure. That's I got some daled coffee. I might just shit right into the thing. Oh, yeah Dude, can you imagine how fucking epic that would be for a podcast clip? Yeah, we're like kyle grabbed the fart mic And he's shit all over. Oh, that would be great Make ripple in the podcasting world. Where can I go? Uh, he just he left hollywood I love you think a lot of people do stuff. That's a career ending. He truly Executed his own career. Oh man. Yeah, I wish that would happen right when shit on the fart mic this guy

Don't know how to do anything half speed You gotta be a go-getter in this town. Oh man That's for sure. I've met kyle 32 years ago when we started stand up. Mm-hmm way back when yeah, we did our Uh company central half hours. That's right the same night. Oh man that you put that picture up a few weeks ago Yep, that was the same night I look at all the half hours now and people like the audience was great. Everything was great. I'm like, I hated it Yeah, it was miserable. I remember how nerve-wracking it was like the

Going into it, you know, like there was like this stepping stone Uh Kind of thing you would try to figure out like oh people get hours But before that you get half an hour and you I don't know about you But I was I was having that my manager submit. Yeah, and so it was like the first year They said well, no But you're on the radar and then I was like, oh, okay And then the second year they're a good manager thing to say

Right. Nobody gives a fuck about you. Yeah, you're on the radar. You're on the radar the next year. They loved you. They didn't cast you They love you. That's casting every every casting session. They really love you guys The next year was um they are The the hears that they're no, but you're gonna get one I was like, uh I I don't even remember the process leading up to it. No, I think I was in a high time of like

I'm just gonna do whatever I was like starting a tour and do my own like diy shit and then if stuff came around I was like, oh, that's cool. All right. I'll do the half hour and then I was kind of uh, not Unappreciative but I'm here like nobody Did it change anything for you? Nobody watched them No, I I don't know because then you look at the collection of your career Yeah, like where you were then where you are now. So who knows which one of those things that's led to the next thing I'm glad I got to do it. But

Nobody saw those. Why didn't you like it? You said it was miserable. What was well? No, it wasn't no that wasn't miserable It was just you got one taping. Oh my god We didn't get two tapings to and then when it's your first big tv thing like now I know That oh, I screwed that up. I'll do it again. Yeah, I'll just tape it again And I tell the audience like just don't worry. I got this you'll laugh again Because I screwed up the words and it's fun and this was the first thing we everything's gotta be perfect But then you didn't know how to settle in to the crowd because you're like, no, they're taping It has to be everything has to be perfect and it just it's fucking nerve-wracking. Yeah

It was more not knowing how to deal with it. That's why I thought we did it with fulcher on Yeah, and he was arson. Yeah fulcher on was putting it. I was in the booth And fulcher on was putting his own commercial breaks into a special and it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen because I'm there with the people like that are in the like The monitors everything and he would just finish a joke and go we'll be right back And they're sitting there going, how does he know he doesn't know where we're gonna edit this? He can't say that He pauses and goes and we're back anyway I was dying and the whole play's like he can't he doesn't know where we're gonna put the commercial

Full charge That's still one of the funniest that tickles me the most That well because oh, here's this. There's a fart story and a comedy story. So it's like everything that you're about. Um Did you ever do the laugh riots contest? Do you remember that? I do remember those I didn't do them but I remember it was it was like a regional Stand-up competition that comedy central had so like the midwest would have one and they you'd submit and they'd get 10 people to do Like the chicago zanis and the winner from that and then the winner from the texas one

They'd have 10 of them and the 10 winners the finalists would come to la For to do a show and I won it in chicago and I was already planning on moving to la But when I won that regional thing, I'm like, well here I come show biz Don't even buy me a plane ticket because I'm moving there and I did and Because that you could get on premium blend that was that was the first step remember before half hours for sure it was premium blends and There's in the top three people top three winners of the laugh riots would get a premium blend spot well

I did so bad on that show. I know I came in dead last because Not only did the top three winners nine people got on premium blend from that show except for me And I bombed so bad and then I got I just drank all the free drinks I could backstage until the venue closed down And I just moved to la like a week before And I didn't I was like my friends were at some bar and I was just alone at the key club on sunsets trip Yeah at some stage hands a lady stage hand, but like overalls like a real tough gal She's like, I'll give you a ride and she I got in her Honda Civic and she stopped at a norms to buy coke first

So so we're in I'm in her Honda. Norms were always open norms. Yes. We never close. We never close No, yeah norms when denny's is a little too fancy for Denny's but with open a lot of open toad sandals So we stopped at the norms parking lot to to buy coke and she like she was a bigger gal So she had to hoist herself up out of her Civic to go to the other car To buy drugs and she just beefed like just like rock forges And I was I was already drunk and she just goes whoops Like no shame just whoops and then shut the door just hot box me

Box the drunk failure like you know, and I'm sitting there just like in her stink Oh And then she got back in the car and gave me like a a seal like a folded up magazine page She's like here. It's party and I opened it up. It was still like a bunch of like big It wasn't crack, but it was like big rocks. Yeah, and I'm like, shouldn't we chop this up? She's like, yeah, if you're a pussy and so I just Tried to snort these big chunks of coke and they just went in my nose and fell out on my shirt And I was like I left my family and friends for this

I left my loved ones to pursue this dream and I was like within a week of being here. I was like, you're not gonna make it You're not cut out for this and she dropped me off at the bar and my friends were at the front They're like Kyle. I'm like not now and I ran and hid in the bathroom because then she came in looking for me like fuck like the you know like the What was the was that the big foot that was putting like I'm gonna pet your little ears like the Oh, yeah came stomping and looking for me Do you remember when you bombed that what did you know?

Was it like out of the gate bomb where you like opened and you're like, uh, shit Yeah, because it was It was like Like jamie kennedy hosted it and he was drunk before the show even started. So he was like screwing up people's names and then like the Pete like you could tell who the favorite like the in-town favorite was and Again, I get in my head before I even do a set and you could tell the crowd was kind of

Checking out already like talking to each other. I'm like, here's my pro. I didn't know how to hang out. Yeah I was like, here's the bits that got me here and I'm gonna say them Oh, they're supposed to be said with no finesse or like relaxing into it And I was just like I'm there and I'm done. Okay. Well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, painful. At least you got a premium blend I think I never got it. I didn't get it. Oh, this is the laugh riot. Sorry. Yeah. I got the laugh riots part That's what I got the unfilmed laugh You know what I'm just realizing kyle is that I've known you for a million years But I've never seen you in daylight like you're one of these people I've only ever seen

Like in a club a comedy club, right? Most relationships like in comedy. He's in a restaurant like, oh man I was like, you look so different in the the light of day. Yeah handsome gentleman. Oh, I was gonna go the other way I'm like, we all look a little busted in the daylight. No, not at all Need them stage lights and an afternoon nap before I really shine. No, you look like a gentleman and he's got that voice Yeah, the voice doesn't make me sound like I'm living well People of uh, I've had multiple messages Sent to me where they're like It's so weird to get like on twitter or they'll be like

Dude, you look like you should have kyle canane's voice. Not your shitty voice. Oh cool. Thanks, man Isn't it isn't it so fun? We'll be like your voice sucks. You should have his voice Well, I don't know how like I'm not built for like you guys and all the fat jokes and have just opened the world of inside jokes Up to everyone. Yeah, I don't like any of that stuff when somebody like I'll shave my beard like this is pretty short But I'll shave it off and so many people just strangers are like, hey, you know how you normally have a beard Yeah, you should grow that back right away. I'm like just tell me my face is ugly That's what you're saying. I sent you a picture of my face is ugly. Yeah, and I know what it looks like But the fact that people just like hey your face. Yeah, it's bad. So now I feel bad. You should cover

I was just trying to have fun though, you know, but you're a friend. Okay. This is just I'm saying strangers Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get to show the other night and somebody just because I had worked with Burt before like All right, Burt's fat. I'm like, man, I'm not part of that shit. I don't know He is. Oh, he's so fat. I'm not part of it. We're all fat. No, he's the fastest He's but he's the biggest. He's the most racist for sure. He's racist. Oh, you wouldn't believe Yeah, yeah, it's a fun Burt fun Burt dropping n-bombs fun bird at a clan meeting Oh, you got a sound bite? I do. I have it somewhere. Did you tell? Oh Yeah, of Burt dropping stuff. Oh, yeah. Oh my gosh. I didn't realize we had footage. Is this from his latest special?

You do record before this starts going. No, no, no, no. You got all this blackmail shit on me. I said before we started That would have been by the way That's what you're doing The n-word comic kyle kane Yeah, you know the r-word the n-word the c-word Well, I can't find it right. Tell me what kind of word with what kind of letter you want in front of me. I'll say it I wonder if it's on the um That master list is the bird thing on there

Do you know if that's on there? Uh, he says he doesn't think so. Oh, of course not Let's see No, no, I don't have it. Okay. Well, what can you tell us to drop? What were you gonna say? Burt is the most racist fat comedian. Oh, there he is right there So Just admitting to it. Yeah. Yeah, I have him saying something super racist But he was on our show like knowingly saying it remember. Yeah. Well, it's his own damn fault. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Well, there was that time he set that asian family on fire, but there was a time that he uh

I forget Anyways, um, I'll find it. I'll find it at some point. Okay, but anyway Yeah, I was never part of that whole scene, but people just tell me like you're a comedian bird's fat. I'm like, all right Yeah I guess But if the but if you had it going with you and like one of your close friends And you guys were endorsing it, you know, then people Yeah, but Kyle's not one of these guys

If I shaved my face and my friends like man, your face is fucking terrible. I'm like, haha You're my friend, but like a stranger's like your face is ugly. I'm like, why don't you drop dead? Yeah Why don't you fucking bury yourself and take your mother away? Yeah, you fucking you don't seem like the kind of guy that's like ball busting You know, like those east coast radio guys were like you fucking mom and suck my dick, right? Like you're not that guy I was at a festival Guys came up. I was with some other comics these guys Guys like I was like, oh get with glasses get with glasses. What are you the guys with glasses crew?

You must be a new york comic What do you do with your cutting whipped? Bingo bingo these guys Oh, can't get enough of that kind of incisive humor That makes me so nervous to think I got I get very uncomfortable listening to those kind of shows Where they just like shit on each other I just it's not for me. I don't listen to any podcast about comedy. I see enough comedy. No way. I don't want to I don't Let it come into my mouth. No, I want to keep myself pure

Do you watch any comedy? I'm amazed when someone's like watching Comedies I'll drop in on like like new special, but then I'm watching it just to hate it I'm like, that's not the way to go about it. That's always how it is, right? Yeah, I watch I've been watching the americans I don't watch that's a great show That's not funny at all No, but when you're a comic though and you're around this all day and you're writing and you're performing you're seeing it You want to be able to change? I need the other side

Yeah, the same reason people are at comedy shows because their lives are boring or traumatic all the time I need to laugh right now. I'm like I've laughed plenty. Yeah, I need some real I mean I need something to make me cringe I feel the same way I need to drop into somebody's real life that has like connected relationships, sir So you just come home at five p.m. And have a meal You don't try and squelch the boredom with drugs or alcohol You don't see a therapist twice a week. I I do have like my friends around like so you just go to bed at 10 Yeah, there's no bed wake you wake up and do shit in the morning time

Yeah, even Rachel my girlfriend's like oppa like well, all right. Well, good luck This is part of the day. Yeah, I'll see you at noon We used to sleep in until noon and then we had children and now like I'm up at 6 a.m Every day it's brutal like it took three years for me to get used to that schedule because my normal is nocturnal He and I used to be up till two three in the morning and then I don't want to Every fucking shit's over. Do you ever live your lives now knowing that your kids could go through the archives? It's not it's not a good thing to think about

It's not it's definitely You've got a library Like I really wonder like kids that come like and and not to pile on the louis They put it up like my kids are assholes and like a few laugh at it But then eventually those kids are like you call us assholes. Yeah to strangers I do I do jokes about my folks. I don't think they're mean But even after the show I have to ask my parents like it wasn't mean was it? Yeah, I'm doing I'm I'm at this point now where I'm like

Hey mom It's really mean Oh, really? Yeah And I'm like it's really mean, but like it's helping your son, you know and and provide for his family. She's like Do you do you do you do that from the bluetooth in your blue Porsche? I'm just trying to put food on the table Hold on I got a downshift. It's gonna be noisy for a second. I can really open it up in this carpool lane I can't I won't tell my mom like how much I make her think but she she's always asked me like how but how was

How are your bills? I'm like, I'm fine. I know it doesn't make sense that I tell jokes And I'm fine, but you know, but the mean stuff. I'm like, look at how much everybody else laughs Can I tell you that my family's so dysfunctional that I actually do have family members that won't speak to me because of Stuff that I've said on this show or at my act. Oh, yeah, and it's kind of a favor It's a blessing in the skies. I'll do this I I'll do I'll FaceTime with my mom and show her cash like a big You're like a rapper. Yeah. Yes. And then you hold it on your muscles like this That's not how you hold. I'll be like I got another phone call. Hold on. I'll hold it to my ear

It's a dead president and then I'll send her a gift and she'll be like, oh like what is this and it'll be a mug With her face asleep in a picture on the mug. She looks she looks dead. Yeah We just made those five of those. Yeah, does she appreciate those gifts? No, no, no, no, no. I always Oh, I don't want to make my mom cry. Yeah, but do you like your mom? Yeah, I mean I've argued with but I like my parents My thing every year is every mother's day I send her flowers But the message only because I know the florist has to Handwrite the message like sometimes I do like hostage notes

Or I've done like threats I've threatened her through it Like I'll be like meet meet me with the money at the docks Like I'll do all this shit just because I know a stranger has to write that but now that's been going on every year And she loves it every year. She's like I'm looking forward to mother's day and I'm running out of ideas I'll just like don't pick a language to put it in there. That's really funny What about valentine's day? Did you send her? Did your mommy your valentine's?

I talked to her today. She said she she does send me valentine's if I lived if I was in Chicago still I would still have to look for a Easter basket. She loves the holidays That's sweet. She's a big family. She's a fun lady. No, that's nice. I mean my mom's I mean No, my mom's pretty nice, but I we always she's we've fucked with each other our yeah my whole life So I'm used to yeah, my mom was a bitch, but she's dead. Oh, yeah Well, that's well two out of three, right guys Two out of three, uh, we love our moms. Yeah, but uh, you know Christina's is uh, she was bad and she's dead. So okay. All right. Hey, okay

Cool female comic six percent. Uh motherly love comic guys Move it niggers. Wow Where does that come from? That was bird. That was bird Wow How does this not come back? I know Jesus How's everybody else's career ruined and you have a studio for a podcast with that kind of bullshit

Body shots bird body shots world tour It's on sale now Go see Burton. Check out. How are you guys staying? You got a bookcase? He's kind of shenanigans. It's uh, it's really crazy actually. Um What did I have for you? Oh, you know what I found I couldn't find of course I could never find anything But I found um, remember we had big daddy kanan. Yeah, and I was trying to tell him What is it? Is it um in my asshole smells? Jesus christ

You talk to your girlfriend like this Seriously now are you dating uh, uh, you're in a serious relationship committed. Is she she's not a comedian No, but she works in comedy. So she's adjacent to the world Do you demand that she eats your scrum licks your scrum? No, nothing scrum related. No, have you ever asked for that? Which part's the scrum? It's basically you're like your raisin cake, you know like where the uh, Where the dookie comes out of That's a raisin cake. I think so

I think your balls would be a raisin cake because they look raisiny and they're like a little loaf I mean it's interesting. I'm up for the argument. I think that's it. I've stated my stance and you stated yours I mean, no, I don't need it. Yeah, I'll I'll I'll dish it out, but I don't need it I never Want like she'll send me You seem like a guy that would demand it, but keep going. Yeah No, because well, that's the thing like she'll send me dick pics in there of my dick while I'm asleep And I'd say I've never wanted to see my body from that angle

Like I've never wanted to see My my dick and balls from the feet up Yeah, because like not only is it why not find it attractive how what's wrong with you that you like I'm glad but the fact that I would even have to Know What my butthole would be like Right and plus, uh, well your browns are messy. You're vegetarian No, I'm pretty I'm pretty decent about that. Yeah, sometimes comes out real clean after no squatty potty

Uh-huh. Yeah squatty potty. Just open it up your system pretty. Are you pretty regular? I don't know. What's regular? You know, I mean like once a day. Are you like uh, is it like twice a day? Is it same time every morning kind of thing if I throw some coffee in there? Yeah, I'll get it. Yeah, me too It's coffee. I do uh, I scare my girlfriend first because I do this thing called like a tong and death march Where I'm just kind of slapping my stomach She's like, what's going on? I'm like, I'm drumming up business I had like I never truly thought that I was like getting it all to Fucking burger king down or burger time down. Yeah. Yeah into the right position. Oh, yeah

Yeah, I'll do that. I'd go camping a lot of like shitting outside Yeah, you guys talk about shit all the time every shit outside. No, you have a house with a yard now You can just do that. I pee in the backyard. The dogs go. Yeah. You pee in the yard? I pee in the backyard a few times. I believe it. I think Bert did too Bert did do it too because of a reason or just because just drinking we're drinking in the backyard Oh, then yeah, yeah But I mean I'll do like dig a hole and will you do that in your own yard though? I don't have a yard to live in an apartment, but I mean if you had a yard go to the park

Just go sit in the park or the dog park. Yeah Now with my camping or something. I'll go I'll I'll do a lot of like Mountain biking up in the woods and or something. You got like, all right. We got to do this here. Yeah We got to handle this business. Yeah, you dig a hole and you see and you squat in a proper way that you should be Yeah, that's the way that's the way you're supposed to do it. That's why it got intended. Yeah Turkish toilets or whatever Yeah, oh, how could you do that? Like that's the best way. That's like, yeah That's the way it opens it up. Yeah, I know so can you so she's but can you be yourself with I guess I guess I don't understand how people like if you're not married a comedian

Like I just say what I want to him. We're horrible to each other Yeah, but I also don't uh You have to censor yourself something No, because that's not something I would talk about like in my scrum. I wouldn't be a you're not you're not into that Kind of dialogue with her. He said that was so much. Yeah, it's disgusting, right? But that's saying he that's what he says to me all the time. You built an empire on this I'm mystified by that. Yeah, I mean Yes laugh at it. It's fucking ridiculous. Yeah, this is the studio that farts made

You gotta see this other car Hold on But but here let me just ask you this. Is this something you would do to your lady Last night tom goes Like he'll go make a brown. He'll come back and he'll be like, I have a great story for you I'll be like what I sat down and then I made a brown and then I flushed and I'm like, that's not even a real story But he's he's always telling me nasty shit. Are you nasty like that with your lady? No. Yeah I want to preserve right

Something you see here as a woman still Somebody sexually viable. Yeah, she's a whole she's a whole lady to me I'm not trying to cause a rift. I mean, I didn't come here to start me. It's been like this for 14 years. So Well, then what are you getting upset about? There you go Oh, I did by the way, I'm just saying 14 years in now. You're bringing it up. I thought I'd bring it up for the whole time I thought yesterday. I told a pretty cool story. She made it sound like it was Like really juvenile lane run it by me. Well, so I was in Reno and I was uh, I was supposed to good start Yeah, I was supposed to

take a ride back on the bus after uh, the show saturday night and There was snowstorms like you're flying out. So I spend the night Um, and I'm like kind of bummed about that. You were a bus. Wait tour bus. So I had a tour bus take me Oh, it was great. I was like I thought you're doing well And I'm like, oh, yeah grayhound. I don't know. I still take notes So I'm so excited because the idea the whole plan was finish the show saturday night and immediately Get on a bus go to bed and you wake up at home. I was like, that's kind of a dream

So anyways, they let me know like, uh, we can't do it anymore. So you got to fly out of Reno in the morning So I spend the night there not happy about it. Get up early get to the airport and I I was with uh, josh potter. I go, hey hold my bags And I you know, which is the uh, it's one of the best by the way advantages of traveling with friends Is like, you don't have to bring your bags. Oh, that must be great. I love leaving the bags with somebody, you know That's the bags go free and clear into the bathroom Without your carry on decorating your closet

I fucking hate that part. You know, and then I don't want to put stuff on the ground because you see peace I'm like, I'm watching the coat hook bend with the weight of my back And men's rooms are like grosses to the airport. I mean, they're so filthy So I just go in there and I got my handle list. Anyways, I just let out a couple of crazy farts Nothing else comes out. I get home Right, I fly I get home see the story gets more interesting And then I go I get home and I I'm ready for now. It's been a couple hours I get home. I sit down a couple other huge farts

Then I fart in the kitchen and you're like, hey, take it easy. There's people walking around We had a nanny helping us out and then And then uh And then I shit later and then that's the whole story. Do you talk like this to your lady? I don't think she'd be interested I wasn't either I think it's a pretty good story. I think anybody that doesn't I mean the rena the reno start made it sound right All right. Oh good happens in reno. Yeah, well, maybe you guys aren't up on uh storytelling. But anyways, um, there's a couple emails, um

People wrote in let's see here. Oh, this was like, um, I guess we discussed this, uh, on the last thing about our pronouns that um, yeah, starbucks has a pronoun pins for the employees to wear him hers Them they you know, you're up on your pronouns. I just don't understand the they because that's plural Well, that's why I get confused. I'm gonna show that right somebody got introduced as they and I'm like, uh, it's like a Dual act and then interesting. Oh, they it was more of a grammar thing. I have a Now did the person make the distinction to be introduced as they? Yeah, it was okay. So they said like

Bring me. Yeah, that was it. All right. Well, I'm wondering if maybe um, poly and bypins aren't Far behind and then this person wrote burp burp schizer is fat. Okay Wow, all right That just keeps You wouldn't believe how much people love that shaming burp. It's really taking another is it shame if it burp doesn't care So that's a good point. That's a good point And he kind of enjoys the attention a little. Yeah, that it's not it's just fat. Uh, recognition. That's true fat recognition

There's no shame there. I like this angle. Thank you. What's your pronoun? What's your pronoun? What are you going by these days, kyle? I'm just yeah fella fella. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'm a hem near him. Yeah his Oh, I'll be interesting to hear kyle's take on this because this isn't in response to an earlier episode It said hey, what's good? So this bitch I work That's another fun thing on our show So this bitch I work with poorly whistles old mcdonald every single motherfucking day her cunt I had a vision punching her as hard as I can in the chest

She also does she also does and says absurd as shit. You know how people said Yeah Say shit if they make a mistake or something of that nature. She will say cats or jinkies to top it off Oh boy to top it off She looks like an identical to dwight shrewd from the office and that is from nathan We were just talking about you know, I think it's this kind of Powered power trip passive aggressive thing when you're you know, maybe waiting in line at a coffee shop or somewhere and then there's some guy Oh, no public public whistler is the worst

And it's the only thing that the better you are at it the more obnoxious it is. Yeah You want somebody to be like look how good I can whistle. Yeah. Yeah I would I I think now that the retaliation is to just shittily whistle Something else with that person and like chime in or just if somebody's whistling good and you're like Yeah, I got you Me and you buddy. Yeah Pick a key. All right Yeah, no, I I agree that public whistling

Should be forbidden. Yeah, I was in the or even like, you know, it was in a gym locker room and it's like You're just obviously you're winding down. You're gonna get cleaned up and then there's a guy You know, there's only like two or three of us in the locker room and he's just like I'm whistling the whole way through whistling to the shower whistling on the way back. It's like, all right, man I think we all get it. I try to be pretty tolerant of a lot of things but but that one's atrocious It I mean, I don't know if this guy should punch her in the chest, but I that's probably like I see I understand is rage

I mean, he also seems like he's got some other issues. Well, that's Uh, I think he was gene pompa. Was it or top? No, sorry tom pompa On his instagram the other day, um, had a video of a guy a full grown man playing a video game at full volume on an airplane Like just had the iPad out at full volume boop boop boop boop boop boop like oh my fucking god What? Yeah, that's that's horrible. I need earbuds. When do you say stuff? Yeah, I'd say something at that point like bro My thing is the women are stupid. Okay. All right. It's that classic new york comedy Stupid fucking dumb bitch

Would you learn how to whisper in a helicopter? Go ahead But like at what point do you step it like when the the tv screens are on the headrest Oh, fuck your mom. I know And that's where I like I'll give I'll give a look first. Yeah, look at turn around like, you know, my heads Right attached to this. Yeah, and then I'm just like hey, man It's a touchscreen. Yeah, you just you just have to it's by the heat of your finger not the pressure Right go a little Oh

I've had a bitch back in the day boom boom boom and I've turned around been like could you Could you please and she was like fuck you you bitch like she got mad at me Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah, she's like fuck you. I'll do what I want and I was like, okay Yeah, I had to call over the flight attend. This is years ago. She was like hammering It was probably on your mom's house. I brought it up and you turn and you said I was like, excuse me You know every time you do that I feel it. Do you mind and she was like I'll do whatever I want Like she was sassing back to me and then I had to call the flight attend. I was like It's just kind of crazy. Have you retaliatory uh farted like yes, I am like just fart in her face

Uh, not at that time, but I have farted when people next to me were being very annoying. Yeah, and then I fart You do that too. Yeah, I'm like a skunk I'm getting defensive. She also did it. She also did it to somebody who didn't do anything wrong And then the lady was like smells like a dirty diaper in here Like because Christina was what kind of lady was this? Uh, not smart I'm gonna go that wasn't an accent from a country What? You don't learn that accent you are completely retarded

That's not a region It's because of this a lot of women out there are fully fucking full of shit and it's stupid What do you think Kyle would you say that to your lady? I know No, you know, I would definitely Let me tell you I live with a small amount of fear every day and I like that. Yeah, I'm happy for that from from your lady Yeah, yeah, really. Let's talk about it. What are you afraid at like what how does she wrap around you? No, no, not liking a bad way, but like Pounce keep you in check like flinch me. Yeah, yeah, make me flinch. Huh? Yeah. I like that a lot of that really?

Yeah, I love I love it. It's very attractive. Yeah, you apologize a lot for no reason. Yeah. What no, sorry I was I was screwing around. I love it. Yeah, you would like my toes. I think he would like Hard Rock Nick Oh for god's sake one guy. Who's hard rock? Well, this dude's bad ass. So Sounds like it. Yeah Like do you ever wear pink big fan of embroidered satin jackets? Uh, you were everywhere pink. Are you somebody comfortable with that? Yeah, you do man? I don't have a lot I don't have I have the couple shirts. Well, all right

So there's a couple guys that like like oh, is that a real guy? Yeah That's not a real guy. Yeah, what's up? I got this question a lot That's not a real guy. Why do I wear pink? So much I wear pink because I like pink pussies You know like inside I like to actually spread The pussy lifts open while I'm bucking missionary that shit's hot And the other reason I like pink or wear pink is because

If you look at all the richest men in the world, which I'm one of I have 20 million in the bank. No bullshit google it Suck on my fucking testies. Google. Um, all the richest men in the world were pink 50 cent Where's pink tom cruise Where's pink simon rex? Fucking where's pink condoms? So that's what it is. Um, 20 million in the bank and fucking growing You don't need hair when you're this good-looking, baby

That's not a real per I refuse to believe That like now that I've been come like that's a character. It is. It is right Here's the thing if it was just this video, I'd be like this dude's a fucking Savage Yeah, yeah, but like committing with that fucking etch a sketch go to you and shit Yeah, there's more that's like the yeah, that's like the mr. Fuzzy Guys, but I don't you think you're just kind of hating on him because he's so successful and he's got Pink shirts and he's got 20 million dollars. Don't be a hater. I mean, I mean, I appreciate

His humility. This is him. How many people we got in here? Not even 400 man the artwork That wasn't 30 dollars, but thank you. This is one piece of artwork I mean, y'all don't want to comment on the fact that I'm sitting in a thousand dollar Custom movie theater chair and I have five of them I mean retarded man This all these people under because you know movie theater seats are all five thousand dollars That's why movie tickets are so much. I gotta pay for those

This all these people under 35 What's wrong with you guys? Why are you so angry? Bitter was it nine eleven? Then you guys felt robbed of your youth was it Columbine was it all these mass shootings that you guys Got terror struck in you from your media and mom and dad and what the fuck I was happy when people got rich I'm still happy when people get rich on a game show or from winning the lottery or from winning american idol Or from success or a comeback like my god

This is just the retardation of your generation Also, just so you know he used to have two amazon deliveries a week now. It's one. Go ahead. No the other way Oh, you're right. You're right. It used to be to try. What is hardcore nicks backstories. It's hard rock. Nick Well, it's funny. You know what you could do could you pull up his bio his bio? Yeah, I need a little info on hard rock. Nick the bio really lays it out and it's um what it's going to make you do Is probably rewrite your own bio if you don't mind need to anyway, so that's what i'm saying So Could you read his bio out loud? It's right there. That's his bio. He looks like a rape genie

Totally That's perfect. That's what he is. No, you don't get no wishes, but i'm out now I'll give you something to wish for What are you um, so it's it's in a caption um All right, so he posted that picture go ahead on on my 12th Mercedes Benz Like like as a hot dog eating contest. Yeah I'm on my 12th one. I keep fucking these things up Born in las vegas you could stop there. Yeah

He's got a lot of houses. Yeah, where does he usually shop though? Over 30 000 of tattoos on my body usually shops at Okay Average one amazon What does that have to do? This shows you he's always shopping, bro How many packages a week you get bitch? Yeah, how many packages do you get, Kyle? But without saying what he gets Got 10 packed toothbrushes from amazon That's my package this week

Worth a good a good 350 350 million not counting the house I live in prefer eating pussy from the back Okay Love and I mean love getting my dick. So it feels good Almost 300 pounds, but carry it like I have 210 pounds. What a specific I know like way to put it for I didn't want to go 200 because that's like that's too obvious 210

That's true. I don't think about that. Alexa the shit out of my house. Yeah, he's got a lot of alexis He's got a lot of a You know, I mean that's some that's when you want to stunt on your guests Like check out all these alexis I got alexa and then you just but alexa doesn't understand half the shit you say to her Anyway, Alexa keep alexa company. All right This is this is where the ai meltdown starts as this guy's house if it's true That's how the robots learn to communicate with one another. Oh, yeah to defeat the humans That's where I go with it. Like this guy's gonna be the cause of it. Look at his eyelashes

Gosh He cares for him. He does care for himself. Why are you hating? I'm not I just said he cares for himself Okay, okay. I just wanted to make sure it was nobody's He looks like you're right. Those look like fake lashes I think this guy does throw a little bit like on the makeup and everything. I think you're right I think he's got I'm not that he's like rich and crazy, but then messes around With some makeup. Do you really think he's rich? That's the no women are mother fucking hating cunts Oh, that's him

Any fine-ass white girls? Well, that's another thing. He's also racist If you didn't love him now If you didn't love him before I mean now you're really gonna. Can you read this out loud? Nicholas, okay Ladies, yeah, if you have an ass like this in our pure white american-born female Not mixed with mexican or israeli and shit Have light eyes and a career And will let me put my face in it every time you bend over the sink to do your makeup get at me

I wish you would read all of his this guy looks like he's whatever ethnicity genies are from Say no mexican or israeli. I know that's every genie is mexican israeli. I know. Yeah, I think you're right It's always like a mexican israeli blend. This is like a self hate. Yeah, they're always mexican israeli. You know, you know That's how they work. That's how genies. How about this? Oh boy the 10 turnoffs in a woman in order of level of turnoff in this number one non-caucasian All right, I mean You got to know what you want in this world. What do you like smoker of any kind vegetarian? Where's too much makeup? Where's perfume from walmart or tj max et cetera

Never says thank you. Oh, see look he likes a polio prudish sexually Has visible facial air even peach fuzz has a child from a previous man Won't shop eat do yoga anywhere unless she has a coupon group on Magazine clipping there you go. All right. Now. This is from 2012 i'm sorry. He may have a ball carefully checked up A nicolas rock joe hanson. That's true I don't know. I don't know. We haven't seen like we we don't know those photos the live streams and the live stream That's current but this is a very specific list. Has he contacted you guys?

Has he come around? No No, no Really? You don't want a hard rock nick around here I mean you're both white Well, he'd be cool with it. You know what I realized is that I'm not American Well, the blue band is is uh, he's already Mixing up. Are you disqualified? Are you disqualified from the running for telling what you are?

Yeah, I got some jewish Israeli blood in me. Oh take a hike. Yep. You jew mother fucker you You got any peach fuzz? How do you feel about having a look at that face? Do you like being eaten out from the back? We'll come at you human centipede style Now I I just I'm disqualified because I'm not light-eyed and I'm also not american born So I and I'm all this fuck for him too. Oh, besides definitely not an ancient For me, I'm just gonna look out because I know we're gonna be bros immediately. Yeah, like he'll see me and be like similar Look, you seem to get your eyebrows darkened. You need to get them darkened and if you can't have him do some Those lashes lend the lashes and then beard work both. Oh, yeah use some some beard work sculpting. Yeah

Like like a detailer. How much for you to do? Uh hard rock next beard. Oh, man. I would love for you to do. Are you halloween people? I don't know but man, if this was like if it was september right now It would be pretty badass. Yeah, I'd be like i'm hard rock And people people just think you're making of making fun of any armenian. Yeah And you said armenian. I think armenian too. I'm gonna go persian Or armenian Nicholas rock jill hansen, but then last it's the bullshit name. That is doesn't matter. That's I wish I was you don't think his middle name's rock

Nicholas too. No, no, no this guy's either persian or armenian What's your mind man? You know, they know what they want. Yeah They got you know, they're proud of their wealth look at the bright side $350 million didn't say how he made it, right? No. Well, I mean, you know, what do you think? Obviously an entrepreneur. I'm sure Online poker. Yeah. Yeah Poker would definitely fit. He's got an online poker vibe for a regular poker vibe. Yes that's the that I was always fascinated with the

Confident nerds of poker championships. I know of just the swagger of a poker glasses But just and also like all the looks at everything like you turds Can you were you into are you do you like poker? No I I've never been into it and what really blew my mind was when it became Televised like motherfuckers are watching this bullshit. That was well. That's what would drive me nuts Is that you know matt bronger and I used to do closed captioning for a living? That was what we would do for for our day jobs Yeah, and we'd have to close caption all those poker tournaments. It's the most infuriating like

Just listen at your playing cards. I wouldn't want to stand around watching you play cards So fucking let alone have to type out all the words they're saying Oh, my god, it's a three nut on the flop in the river. I'm like, this is It sounds terrible and everybody's got their own interests But I go to Vegas and I play the word I'll play like roulette, which is the worst odds But I can't fucking anything other than playing it. Yeah poker or blackjack I could screw something up and then I lost because I was dumb the other thing about blackjack roulette is like fun spinny wheel Spinny wheel is fun blackjack. You can fuck it up for other people. Well, that's fun. Yeah, well, it's also

But it's also the thing I've seen people be like, are you fucking serious? We're gonna hit up Yeah, like like people get really fired up on those Blackjack and I don't understand crabs at all I don't think anybody does. I think that's how crabs exist is nobody knows what they're doing Let me get and also throw down 20 on the high hand. Let me get a low hook on the yo-yo. What? I was in Reno where I'd done a show and didn't do great And then I was kind of shuffling around the casino and these kind of grizzled mountain folk were there And they're like, you're real funny, man. Play crabs with us. I was like, all right

And I like I lost 10 bucks and they're like, I don't have any more money. He's like, don't worry, man Give me a hundred bucks. I was like, wow I'm like, hey, man, I want to take your money. He's like, don't worry about it, man We grow pot and he just kept and he kept touching the table and the lady would have the stack He'd be like, don't touch the table. He's like, whoa. Whoa. Sorry, man These old pot farmers throwing all their money just grabbing shit off the table getting yelled at was a good time That's fun though. Nobody knew what they were doing But yeah, I've played craps twice with season the players

An hour with each of them. I was like, I have no idea what the fuck's going on. I still luck. Yeah, it's luck It's all last time I played craps I was in Vegas and I went to go see rock of ages by myself Because you know, I'll hang out. I don't care rock of ages the musical about the sunset strip 80s rock music And I was that I was one of maybe 40 people in the entire amphitheater And I was singing along and clapping and crying at the sentimental parts And then the woman next to me who kept kind of spilling my beer

Uh, she gave me 20 bucks as we walked out because I guess I look like my wife just left me or something So I was getting way to it I was getting way too into rock of ages by myself and she's like, I'm sorry for the here you go, honey I'm like, I'm actually having a great time. You don't have to do this. She's like, no, no, no You take this 20 bucks and I blew it on the craps table. That's sweet though. Yeah She's like, I guess I looked uh in pretty bad shape. Yeah, I guess I look like a real sad dude I didn't think that was having fun Now have you had that because I know you're real Christina is very

Sensitive to the idea of food or drinks being expired and um and to the point of like Hey, uh, this is from monday and it's wednesday. She's like, oh, it's from monday. Oh, that's not you're exaggerating I've been working off mayonnaise from 2017. That's what I'm talking about right there. Canine doesn't fuck around. I know you Women are fucking stupid. He's what he's saying. Stupid bitch. Play the clip It's expired. That's why it's not sweet and spire. It's not expired. Wait, is it expired? Isn't it sweet? I tasted it. It expires march 20th, 2014. I don't care. It doesn't taste sweet I'm sorry. We can't help you. There's no refunds And we want to see people honest about money in america, but my I want another juice. It's not sweet. Give me give me

Freshest sweet juice Why could the expired juice on us? It's not expired. It's not expired. I don't believe these numbers You can call the company and complain to them, but we're not replacing it. What company? God, I have what company? You fat? Fatso company Okay, you can leave now. Fatso company I love the word fatso Take your juice and go What should I do? Give me sweet juice. I take my money. Why do you take my money?

Give me sweet juice This guy is down. Okay Leave we call the cops We call the cops We call the cops We call the cops. Let's get rid of you. You can just get rid of the cops. It's a sweet carpet. Only fucking count Fuck, it's my mom This is the kind of shit my mom would do. I'm not even lying

This is the kind of shit my mom would do. I'm not even lying. You fucking cunt. She said a fucking cunt, right? Didn't my mother say fucking cunt in front of you the first time she met you? Yeah, yeah This fucking cunt. This is not sweet I thought this fucking cunt was blooming that fucking bitch Yeah, it's how crazy she was And then this is totally an immigrant thing too, like how she's pointing to the juice. This is not fucking sweet They're pointers? Oh, yeah, this is not sweet

You're fucking cunt This shit could be related to me, bro She said I hate fat pig men Yeah, this lady's not Why is she saying cockpit? It's got to be a curse in her native language Some foreign or shit Yeah, she's like somebody taught her a swear of the wrong way

Oh, right. She's trying to say like cocksuckers Yeah, you cockpit You are not helping your argument here I mean, she's kind of heavy herself though Kind of, and foreign I mean, she carries it like it's 210 though The hound's tooth is really giving the illusion a slimming illusion Bye

That's poor lady She's crying at the end there It's not sweet enough the juice Get the juices sweet there It's Tropicana, that shit's so sweet dude It's nothing but sugar Only fucking cunt You're fucking cunt

You know she's smoking like four packs a day Oh, yeah That's why she can't get the sweet Fatso company Fatso company That's my favorite one That's somebody's like production card Could you imagine this person raising you?

This is actually my mom Was she mean lady? Yeah, she's crazy though But this is kind of shit she would do too This is not sweet you fucking bitch And then she would get mad at people for seating her too close to the toilet at restaurants She'd get real racist too This fucking gook bitch said me near the toilet

Oh god Oh no Was she at a Vietnamese restaurant? No we were at a sushi, it was a Japanese She wasn't even the right slur In the ballpark But then the lady's just like Can I get you guys something to drink?

Yeah, it's so crazy Yeah, angry I saw my mom freak out once But it was only on my behalf And it wasn't racist or anything I was like a little kid Trying to find like a model garage For model cars but it turned out to be like little figures

And I couldn't even see the counter That says no returns on it at the hobby shop And so my mom like the guy wouldn't give me My money back it's my mom went there It's like my son can't even see your no return sign He thought nothing's broken He just took the plastic off and the guy wouldn't do it So my mom just sat there and anybody walk in

Don't touch anything this guy won't give you refunds And then they had to call mall security And now my mom's about to get arrested Whoa She's like I'm doing this for you I'm like please stop Classmates are here and they see you now Being talked to by mall security

Because you're harassing mall customers From going into Don's toys And hobbies But she was like she's a righteous lady I like it She is a righteous lady I'm saying was You have siblings? Yeah I got one sister

How long ago? A year and a half ago Did you get to see each other a lot? Yeah we hang out we're good Family's solid you know But yeah I got nothing You know what my mom used to do that was really funny When we would go to the mall like a department store

You know you used to accompany your mom So you know she has like Olive skin and she has this heavy accent And everybody would always be like Where are you from? And so she would always say guess And then so they would be you know A lot of times Russian

Not once or twice A number of times when I was with her They would go they would like talk So she would say You know I went to by the blah blah blah And they would be like do you speak Are you Chinese? And my mom would go

Yes And then they would go Say something in Chinese Like just like a lady working the Makeup counter and my mom would go She was like They would go like whoa And then

She would just look at me and say And I'd be like she's Looking for makeup remover He went In the full improv game And they were like that's so cool That your mom speaks Chinese You know a dipshit

Yeah You know my favorite story is About that bagger The grocery bagger in Vera Go ahead No you tell No you tell Look at you two sweethearts

You do it I used to do this all the time where like I did two things For a stoplight And somebody Crossing the street Who clearly Is disabled

Like walking with it I would go To my mom because I knew that I would get her I'd be like this guy all drunk 10 o'clock in the morning And she would be like Don't we She's like he has a problem

I was like yeah he's a drunk And I just drive off And then at the grocery store They have A grocery store near them that will hire Like special needs people So Just to mess with her I would

Like they would bag it up They would bag it up And then take it to the car And then like a guy Would put it in the car And that was the job And then as he walked away I would just look at her Real seriously and I would go

I think something's wrong with that guy And she would go What Go Something's wrong with that guy And she was like yes I would go She was told me

I was like no And She would go Of course I was like no It's fun to have a foreign parent You can like toy with She also doesn't know

That even now The R word is not desirable And I've heard her say it in front of people Like in a casual setting And I'm like You can see people's face be like This 70 year old lady

Really throwing that Cause it's like it's a It's still like foreign language To her I understand we're not supposed to say all that stuff But the oversensitivity to it Like older people who are immigrant And foreign like English isn't their first language

Like they don't have the same sense You use the R word I heard that defense of like Somebody in Europe using the N word Like they're not using it racist They grew up listening to hip hop And that was like punctuated throughout that So they don't have like the historical context

That you have here in this country Because hip hop doesn't make it right But the awareness isn't there I would agree with that I feel like that generated We grew up saying words I'm like I can't believe how often You would just say faggot or something

Now it's like yeah I would not do that I know now and it's not like PC culture It's like no I know that word It's shitty And I think like my parents And our parents generation was that with some other words And then when they learned That you can't say that anymore

It became this like kind of forbidden thing A total Like if Brazil nuts showed up in my house They showed up Because somebody needed a fix Somebody had a call on some Somebody needed like you know we used to call these I'm like yes yes you'd say it every time

Brazil nuts are in the house That one I never got by the way Well my mom would say it with shame Like you're not gonna believe what we used to call these I'm like I will believe it Because you say that every time you see a Brazil nut Like you're scratching an itch right now Not because there's no

Nothing ill will It's just the physical compulsion Making the word that you can't anymore Yeah because the taboo Feels like a dare too But the further case For the English Has a second language person

Is that some of those words just don't have That same impact on their minds You know that it has on ours Yeah the context was never there It was never there and it sounds like if I told you Whatever you do don't say bozmeg When you're around these people You're gonna be like you know it

It doesn't hurt when I say it But also like don't say it That's fine Don't think about elephants My cousins used to come over and drop everything Everything that was like don't ever say these six words They'd be like I'll say it's right now And they'll say it

It's like The fag thing which was so Throwing that around in middle school Happened a lot Dude they came for Thanksgiving I haven't seen some of them in 10 years And as I walk into a restaurant These are 35, 36 year old men

They go faggot That was their hello I was like you can't do that man It's not even there's no No don't do it Peru They have like heavy act They're English isn't

I remember the words we're not supposed to say This one But I think also the generation Or in parents like what you can do with humor It's like my mom Like when you find out Your kids are actually funny on their own right Like I think my mom would encourage a little bit

Like me and my sister the student driver cars Would come by our house And so we would always crash our bikes Right behind them Like do some solid over the bars prat fall So they would just like a student driver Would see in the rear view mirror a bike fly up And then a kid just laying there

And like I'd run up to my sister like Okay If my mom would be in the house laughing her ass off And she'd be like you guys shouldn't do that It's real funny Would reprimand us but not hard enough to be like If it comes around again I gotta Look at your dad to watch too it was pretty funny

Lots of struggle we have with With our three year old is that now he's starting To say shit and some of this is super Like he's learning to burp and fart and that's like You made that Yeah and we also tell him that You burp it's one thumbs up If it's fart it's two thumbs up and then we're like

Ahhh You're gonna raise just cave people Like this you've years of documentation I know That's what I can't imagine like trying to raise a kid And they're gonna have a sample board like that Of everything you've said like oh really And it's you guys farting into microphones

I can't do what Well it says differently You got no cards anymore to raise this kid He learns that if the doorbell rings That means oh fuck That's so true You guys got a world of hurt coming out of you It's gonna be bad

Yeah cause I That was my natural reaction to the doorbell ringing Just cause like I was comfortable So you heard and I was like oh fuck And as soon as I did it he was like Fuck Like just looks right at me Somebody's got a new favorite word

And I don't discourage nose picking either I can't I mean Yeah what's the big deal Do you feel like it's elementary It's elementary What if we're picking I'll get in there I don't think it's a big deal

That was a bad thing when my girlfriend We lived separately and I'd be in her house And she was like moving stuff around She's like I found your booger grave It's like you don't know how many You're putting down there until one day somebody Moves the bathroom like oh god I used to pick my nose

I used to pick up a couch When I was like in high school And one time they There was some repair and they needed to be done on that couch I never thought of that The guy comes to service it Moves the couch and there's just Dry boogers

That's how I watched my one friend Freak out another friend like First friend who like had his own place Like had a townhouse over there My buddy Bob's just going at it And finally my friend Jesse had it He's like because you don't just pick your nose You pick your nose and then you wipe that shit on my stuff

You're putting that booger on my couch I'm sick of finding your boogers on my fucking couch And we're all so high we're like Get over yourself man That was the funniest thing to see We're on the level We're just fucking party dudes and somebody finally Freaked out about having a boogery couch

Well look who's growing up Someone don't want his friends Boogers all over his stuff We're coming of age story Close the door real quick Hope your food tastes like it Well I think it's gross to have the designated Booger area

Tom rolls And he in my car He'll pick his nose and then he'll roll And just throw them on the floor I'm almost fine with that But I think designating the area I'm just on an airplane Just going and then you don't think

You don't realize I picked my nose Just absolute most impressive Deep dig I've ever seen in public Was Christopher Lloyd Really? He sat next to me and he did a full cleaning Of each nostril

The second knuckle I did a full swirl He didn't give a fuck It was partially I wanted to think he was like Do you know who the fuck I am? I wish it was that And it was partially aged too

He was like I'm going to leave him alone I'm going to leave this guy He's a pretty defense mechanism He definitely He went in there Gene Yeah good for him But we can't tell our kid not to

Kids I think that shit's minor though Why do you develop a rewarding feeling from it though? It's so gratifying You ever scratch your ears with your car keys? No Between that and orgasms I would probably go

You're not afraid of bacteria being introduced Into the ear canal? Look where we're putting our fingers In our mouths That we've established already In this show Have you ever pulled I don't need buttholes

Have you ever pulled a long hair Out of your butthole? A long hair Have you ever? No? It's so special That one's very special It happens rarely

I don't know how You must be in your poo It's hair that falls And every once in a while It's like in your underwear You see Somebody just made a joke About having a long

Hair that they're pulling out of I remember wiping my ass in time And my fucking three foot hair End up in here It's definitely from just hair collecting Yeah, coming around Yeah, definitely Now it's like in the zeitgeist

Watch this, this is pretty cool Yeah you do Watch Before it starts I see where this is going They gotta That's so awesome That's so awesome

That was the best thing I've ever seen Say that again I mean for the listeners It's somebody had just The chocolate fountain idea first Right I feel like we're not gonna put A doll

To show the repercussions Like At least three people put this idea together For the listeners who don't have Who are not seeing this There's champagne in the background What's a chocolate fountain? Oh yeah, this is like a New Year's Eve

Look at the people over there There's people there Or is this a child's party? Is there like games on the table? It's a party, I didn't even realize that Whoa That's his voice Oh yeah, he's like

Is it only slow motion? Or could I say real time Can this be made into a GIF? Can I please have this? God this is great For For people listening There's a guy farting into a chocolate fountain

And the chocolate Is sprayed over a baby doll's face I'm gonna ask one last time Is everybody done with the chocolate fountain? We're gonna be doing a thing But you're not gonna want to use the chocolate fountain After this Has everybody gotten their fill

Of the chocolate fountain? Yeah God, one more time One more time One more time bluegan, please Alright, here we go Man That's a monster fart

The air on that? It was a real fart And now you understand why we make the big bucks Now you understand Kyle, we've had Because of this You own property But you wouldn't believe

We've been fired from two corporate sponsors McDonald's And Morton's Steakhouse just fired us Morton's gave you the boot? Morton's gave us the boot McDonald's took away a lot of money I read something like that, did you legit

Those were real sponsors? You know what happened with McDonald's? I don't know if you can get Terry McDonald's like we should sponsor this Without ever watching a single episode But what happened was The first episode that they sponsored Had a

Basically A groundbreaking Like an immediate Classic clip we thought And that was the clip that they were like We are not into Your show And you know the person that got the sponsorship

Got fired too from the ad You want to get to the kids? This is how you get to the kids This was the clip Okay, well, let's see Hi there guys, it's Pete again And I'm here to do a little video I wanted to use this but by greening toy that I bought

This new one And I thought I'd try that in And then I also wanted to try this double ended Fuck's sleeve that has these like massive Bullets in them I haven't used it of course and then I went to look And they didn't send any batteries I'm not going to be able to use the vibrating part

Is he just working it right now to get ready? Yeah So I'm sure that's going to get me off He's loosening up It's got this cool Built in copper There are two bikes in the background He lives with somebody

Wow A friend of mine had one And he fucks it with his boyfriend And it's a double ended dude So I really want to try this But first I'm going to try and get this in my butt And then turn it on And it's even got this cool little

It's cool That's cool It's got a nice Texture to it That's also cool as your indigenous art in the background I know Shame where you bring out those cars Right here, so McDonald's

Sighted this part They were Sighting his hand movement which I was like Leg itches and they were like No it doesn't McDonald's went through this frame by frame It's this moment that got us They S&Ped you

What the hell First off he swears a couple times Also he's jamming things in his asshole Is it off brand? It's a little off brand Go ahead It's got a nice built in gack ring Gack ring

Like a real Chicago Johnny Milwaukee here trying out butt plugs It's got a nice Gack ring wraps around and goes up your ass Feels pretty good It's union made in the USA So that's got that going for it too Be proud of it

Ugh, damn This guy is so nasty Oh the eye contact He's like looking off This is my last butt toy video Ugh Oh yeah So I've said this before with butt play

If you're new to it you gotta go slow Don't try and rush it Don't try and go too fast Don't go too fast If it will hurt you might want to try it again And trust me Once you get used to it Yeah

Try not to breathe and relax yourself Try not to breathe Butt play can be a lot of fun Trying to get the cock ring out Oh that's nice Oh boy Feels pretty comfortable in there Does it?

Man that is a tan line Yeah It's nice This is what killed us In the end That's how it flipped right here When I first tried it It cycles through the steps

That's just a constant Yeah That's even higher Yeah That's like a throbbing Oh fuck Yeah But then our

Go ahead and jump to the Got it, I got it, thanks Blue Band Since it's opening on end This is what ended it here Wow It's pretty tight I wasn't expecting that Oh yeah

Damn it Oh fuck it Oh fuck fuck Ah God damn it That was core engage Damn it There you go and then McDonald's was like

No That's a 2.3 million dollar coin You have your own McDonald's No way Was that 2.3 million dollars we lost Because of that thing falling off Oh I'm fixing it

I'm you and you don't worry Was it worth it? No No But you know what The show has integrity and We keep it real on the show We uh

Honor the listeners 2.3 million dollars For that foot This guy's gonna cram a thing up his ass You fucking idiot Now what do you think bro could Martin's straw You didn't play that clip enough

No Martin's was just like You know they gave us Some money and then they $2,000 But that was for the paint job But then they were doing a little other stuff And then they just said we're not fitting

The brand objective How do they get past the first Step? I don't know Is it just complete ignorance I think so I'd love some of that ignorance To throw some money my way Did you get any of the McDonald's

Money? Or was it all? Well no we had to give it back I know and Tom had purchased it What'd you get? What did you get? Well I ordered a Lamborghini This town is stupid This town is so dumb

You ordered a Lamborghini Yeah but I had to cancel the order With McDonald's money But you lost it because of the clip Of the guy's fucksack Hurting him It wasn't even Was that what it was? I thought he was getting hurt

No he came Oh I thought it was hurting his dick No no he had an orgasm He was like ah fuck Oh I thought he was clearly being electrocuted I wish no That would have been different I wish

If you wanted to hear it in slow motion Here it is I like it Why is any of this real Why is your life Now there's a cool guy Did you tell them At the Lamborghini dealership

Why you had to cancel the order I didn't get into the actual details I feel there's ever a time To get into the details I told her I should get Some crazy exotic car Just for fun No for practical reasons

And this was before the McDonald's She was like that's stupid And then when the McDonald's money Came through it just felt like it was gravy So then I was like Now it's fine right So then I ordered it But now I'm going to get some jewelry right

We're going to do that I don't know Tom I think we should press pause On the jewelry He wants to get chains like gold chains For his 40th birthday I know Kyle No he's not going to Both assholes

I know But you're doing it right Get a gold chain Your heart's broken After you Let that guy fuck away your Lamborghini money Oh Kyle Don't say my name with disdain

What would you spend your money on What do you like What's your fucking money I don't even I got seven remote control cars That's what I do for fun But like right now McDonald's calls you up

And they go hey we heard you on Thanks for speaking some sense to them 2.3 million whatever you do Like Keep stuff out of the butts 2.3 million dollars Well we didn't even get that warning They told us

Did you maybe infer that McDonald's Wouldn't go for it They're like Do you know what their offer was Before 2.3 250,000 I don't know that's how stupid this is It's crazy

I was like no I don't want to do it I need more It went away for like a month Yeah If McDonald's is listening now If you got any of that 2.3 million I'll take like

I don't know I don't know what I'd want to do Are you a traveler Would you travel I can't even think of it Are you at that point Do you grow up with money No

A little bit But to think Oh just I can't even put myself in that headspace I'm fine now but it's just sitting in the bank This isn't a real thing What I do So that money doesn't feel

It's like a mob thing You robbed a bank Don't spend it people know But you don't enjoy it I'm not trying to be humble I know I feel the same way There's nothing I have I suck at guitar

But I bought some guitars that are nice That's fun Cool guitar and then I play it Put it down Don't embarrass yourself I got some good mountain bikes I got a big jeep with monster truck tires That's cool

But I do this shit with it I go bang it up in the desert and everything I was going to know How do you know where to go There's OHV spots Off-highway vehicle spots Out in Gorman's one But I'll go to Anza Borrego down south

I've been to Utah with it I've been to Denver with it Just being out in the world Sitting out in a Camping and shitting in the ground How about that jeep so I can go shitting the ground Without any legal ramifications That is good

I didn't buy a house or anything But I'm like, pardon me Likes that I can do comedy without knowing There's nothing they can take away from me If I stop doing comedy I don't owe the bank anything I owe no money I don't want to do anything for a year

I can do that without worrying about So maybe that's what I bought Freedom That's great I'm going to take a year off And sit on the couch and binge watch the Americans That's all I'm doing That's what life is

Did you take this past year off? No, I'll take like a month off Let's go drive around and fuck off Depending on the ladies work schedule All December we were traveling Great But that's good That was two years ago

I was doing my show And then you announced your show And the guy booking my show He's like, well Don't worry about it My show is going to be real good too But we'll get a couple people out We'll get a couple people free

That was fun I want to go back to the Lambert game So embarrassing Kyle It's embarrassing I'm embarrassed, I don't like it What is your car? I don't give a fuck about cars Oh, a Jeep

Jeep Jeep like Wrangler Jeep Wrangler What do I have Tom? You have a Jeep Grand Cherokee Yeah Do you have another car too? What's the other car? It's a Beamer And I got another car

What's the other car? It's for the family I got Jay Leno here What's the one for the family? It's an Escalade And I got another one You got four? Yeah, I got five

I don't feel bad about this Lamborghini thing falling through I hope you have no money for your children's college Shit Kyle Kyle, you make her worry Did you not say that?

No, we're going to get that new Steakhouse sponsor any minute, right Tom? And by the way, I put 20 bucks in the kids college fund last week Listen, we got norms coming through free meals for us and the kids whenever we need them That's the sponsorship we got We'll say Mortons, we didn't get free food

McDonald's gave us free Mortons they only gave us employee discount So that was like Free drink, keeping you in check Oh, that's where you bury them anyway Yeah Yeah I'd still eat there, a pay full price

What do you think I should ask for money wise for the next sponsor? Man, don't talk to me about this shit I just want to get your show them that clip first and then work on a realistic amount Like you realize your money is going to be behind this

Right And that way they're not pulling it out from under you Yeah I like how he's thinking Yeah Show your cards Dude, this is such a good idea to talk about this So now I'm going to be like

Hey, what I'll do is I'll give the agents I'll be like, hey, open the open dialogue with this clip Did you hear Canine buried your mom's house when he was on it and lost all funding Meanwhile, I'm over here doing $50 Adam and Eve spots for my podcast

What is your pocket? Everything the guy put on his dick I'm just plugging discount codes for that Wait, tell me You want to come that fast to enter Code Boogie Monster over at Adam and Eve Look, I'm doing free spots now

Tell me the podcast It's called the Boogie Monster Guys, if you think this podcast is stupid, you should check out the Boogie Monster with Kyle Canine and Dave Stone There you go. You guys have been doing it a while? Yeah, a couple years It's just us goofing off

It's a way to plug dates and everything We screw off I don't have the multimedia functions so we can react to watching shit videos on our phones to see what else knows what's going on Which isn't for good listening Think about how great that chocolate fountain fart was

Now I'm seeing the appeal of a multimedia Yeah That was the best moment of my life A hardcore fun? That was really hardcore fun It was great The champagne wasn't even open yet

I know If there was a reason to celebrate How disgusting is a chocolate fountain Let's think about it from a hygienic perspective You're dipping in your food and then your fingers are in it and then the chocolate just gets recycled It's nasty already

It's nasty already That's what the guy with his ass out This thing's nasty already Why on the child's face? Y'all eating out of this? Gross, watch this Man that is awesome We gotta do that for our kids birthday That's a good idea

Can I hire this guy for her? That's a child's toy that's in that That's from a kid at the party Let me see your doll real quick Yo Let me see your doll Why? Cause I'm gonna fart on it Eat that

You're already sticky If you look at the baby's expression If you look at the baby's expression It kinda really Can you say You could try me fatso with your Chicago accent What am I saying? You could try me fatso

You could try me fatso Is that for the board? I just unrelentingly offer something to the board No What movies are good fellas? Casino I'm gonna be around here tomorrow I'm gonna be here tomorrow

You fucking try me fatso And then he pulls his pants up Is that when he's like beating up Don Rickles? No, it's when he goes over to Sam's house De Niro And the bankers there He's like, I'm gonna come there tomorrow I'm gonna get my fucking money

And he goes, you can't talk to me like that He's like, never mind Sam Come back, gotta go to jail Cause I'm fucking stupid Cause I'm stupid So funny He's in that movie He's in that new movie they're doing

Scorsese's doing another movie About Jimmy Hoffa Oh shit Mr. Canane It was so fun having you Will you tell me where can people see it Do you have any dates lined up? Anything coming up?

Royal Oak, Michigan at the end of the month I think I'm not good with the problem What's your website? It's my name It's a good one, right? Canane.com I got all the dates up there I do podcast stuff

K-I-N-A-N-E Put it in the graphic You do the Twitter Is that graphic up? Or am I just doing this? Throw his phone number up Social security No

Thanks for coming It was fun Can we play out with the chocolate fart one more time? I didn't know where to look the first time I would look at the fountain or the butt I want to look at the baby this time I'm looking at the baby That was a mistake to look at the baby's face

That dead eyed stare of a child's toy Being desecrated Dude, look how powerful that fart is That bottom layer of the fountain It still has a hole in it Look at the power of this fart That's two layers of a chocolate fountain No, you're right

That's not your average fart I've never seen The exception of the baby powder thing With the farts I've never seen how a fart would impact So this is my first reference Look what he's doing right now That's good work

That's a multi-layer fart Top and bottom The heat sensor farts When someone farts in on for red I would love to see What that I would do that for myself I would want to know

I farted in the car so bad the other day I thought I hit something It smelled like I ran over a possum It was bad It just stayed in the car I rolled down my own windows I feel like my farts are lingering more these days The older you get

You're growing into being a dad In your farts are worse Your body's breaking down You're turning that poison It's a smell of death Dude, check out this Ferrari I got in the back It's right back here Hey, remember when I burped the other day

And you were like It was Korean food That was the most disgusting thing ever We had Korean ribs Calbee Oh, and then she was like I burped I was like, holy shit

It actually smelled like She farted out of her mouth If I eat barbecue and I burp And it's like this is just dead things It smells like a cemetery Terrible And the garlic and the kimchi The garlic is what sets it over the top

Alright, check out my McLaren We're gonna roll out Thank you very much Kyle F*** You don't say you don't say No Honestly You don't say you like

F*** You don't say you Ah Like this My mom lost You don't say you don't say you Playing That same French excellence

You don't say you don't say You don't say You don't say Like this You don't say You don't say You don't say You don't say

You don't say Like this Do anyone understand that?