Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 497-Dane Cook & Ryan Stout-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 1, 2019

Listen, Mommies. It will be tough to top last weeks monumental achievement in podcasting, but we are going to "Try It Out." This week we meet a man who Duncan Trussell exposed Dr. Drew to recently. He's definitely a Cool Guy. Tom celebrated his 40th birthday, what did Christina get him?? A chain or a private jet?? Doug Mellard got ALL of us the gift of a weird Happy Birthday serenade. Christina had a shower revelation that even bewilders the Cockroach himself. Since we had Robert Paul Champagne on the Podcast he has been live streaming quite a bit. We review some of his recent posts and then give him another call. That's right, Robert Paul Champagne is BACK!  Also, the legendary Dane Cook is on the couch ready to "Try It Out." Dane and the Mommies reminisce about old times at Dublin's in Hollywood and Dane goes through the roller coaster that he experienced while reaching heights of fame few ever get to know. He goes in depth about his brother stealing from him and his reasoning for improvising his special that was taped in Madison Square Garden "Rough Around The Edges." Also, Dane experiences a member of "The Cool Girl Club" and "Horrible or Hilarious." Next in the Mommydome is comedian Ryan Stout. Ryan can't smell anything, he literally has no sense of smell. The Mommies ask Ryan all the important questions involved with not being able to smell a fart or otherwise. Ryan brings up the "Maplethorpe Exhibit" and if you know what that is, you know what that is...  Plus Mommy Tina thinks airpods looks like something coming out of your ears. Do you know what she thinks it looks like??? Don't forget to get Ryan's new album, Man in the Suit. NOTE: Every guest of YOUR MOM'S HOUSE Podcast is INVITATION ONLY. No guest is welcome with out a formal invitation from The Mommies. Dane Cook, Ryan Stout and Robert Paul Champagne have all been certified, invited guests. Thank you.

All right this is a chattel bash with the late blooms EP thanks for the slippery wax instrumental. All right if you're listening right now I'm in Portland in Seattle I think everything is sold out there might be a few tickets left for the May 5th show then I go to Riverside on May 17th that's almost sold out Las Vegas May 18th and then at the end of the month I hit Louisville Indianapolis St. Louis tits Detroit and Chicago in Chicago I added a second show June 2nd you can get tickets for that now Tom Segura comm slash tour and then I head on to Richmond I do Hanover Atlantic City Tulsa second shows have been added in

Toronto Vancouver and Denver those are all at Tom Segura comm slash tour a bunch of other dates to Europe and all over the country very excited about it thank you guys for getting tickets Jean Jean May 5th and 11th I'll be in Tempe at the time it's Tempe Tempe at the Tempe improv Tempe May 31st through June 1st Burbank California sperm bank flappers June 20 through 22nd Washington Dick come at the DC improv tickets at Christina P when's that one June 20th through 22nd nice also if you haven't seen my two comedy specials check them out on Netflix mother inferior and the degenerates

thank you are you announcing fall date soon yeah pretty soon all right I think soon that's pretty excited I'm doing some other shit man I'm doing some other shit man yeah into some shit right now bro all right Jean okay so much to get into my life so much fun stuff well this guy looks like a cool guy already oh the coolest you don't know this one right I don't it's already set up for coolness the coolest yeah yeah go ahead and let her rip I like it driving to get my cock sucked under a few minutes up the road used to clean our house and I used to suck him off going to the bathroom closer don't suck him up

while my wife Liz was in the other room cool cock is hard now the thought thoughts are hard but telling you this This shit is big time! Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this No mom in the fucking stand! Welcome to your mom's house Man

Welcome to your mom's house Christina Pajit Singh Christina Pajit Singh Welcome to your mom's house I feel I feel like this with the guys the best I was gonna say I don't think there's a I don't think there's a bigger nightmare in a woman's life than seeing this well can you set the stage for the list no thank you no no can you describe what we're seeing no thanks for

the listener okay well it's a very red gentleman with multiple chins and he's got the camera down so of course the cameras for angling up to his chin his fatness and his redness is accentuated he's a truck driver he's driving you can see the steering wheel and he's a truck driver isn't he a truck driver oh so I thought it was like a truck for something just a guy driving his car just a cool guy in his car he's an older gentleman he's an older Jenny's probably in his 60s yeah yeah he's got a nice wife at home was making him is he does Liz Liz making his favorite chili tonight for Sunday dinner and he's on his

way to go blow the guy what clean his house or she was cleaning as he was blowing his friend friend what a cool guy so he wins for cool guy club yeah so he's got that camera like angled you see it's like sitting on his leg and he's filming himself and he's super excited he said he's fully hard just telling the story well yeah that is cool it's also cool to make a video of yourself when you're driving always a safety first safety first and then be to have it down so that you have to look down the whole time I know I look good from those angles personally I barely look good in these angles and this is professionally

lit but you know what we should go after some of these people online too with this shit every picture is like this that's nice though it looks good and anybody yeah it does look better that's how I have to do all let's uh yeah let's let's revisit thanks let's go in detail I don't think so still driving to get my cock sucked under a few minutes up the road used to clean our house nice to suck him off go into the bathroom close it won't suck him off while my wife Liz was in the other room yeah he's hard now at the thought it's also hard that telling of this I just adore naked men I adore being naked with the man yeah fuck the

wife she's a cunt I really love sex with men yeah well it's neat that he shares it with the rest of the world and not her well she knows now she knows you that's why I mean that's the only reason to make this video right is so that she does find out I guess thank you sir yeah it's his way of like right I don't know he's certainly not keeping a secret this way this is not a secret anymore now no cats out of the bag but I think you know he's not a young guy it probably took him this long to put that video out it's probably good for him this is actually cathartic you know he gets to announce to the world that he's sick of

Liz I've had hundreds of men and women and I love it I'm proud of it I have sold my body for sex for men for blowing and swallowing that come and to be fucked by men that's cool it's me for Liz do you think Liz appreciate that I don't know I'm just hoping there's kids involved you know so and I've kept the notes and I took photos of them so I've been a prostitute need and I do I love it I have sucked probably thousands of men Jesus Christ man isn't that just impressive numbers just you know I mean just like remove from the scenario of Liz and all this just to be like I've sucked thousands oh I thought you were gonna I was actually gonna do the opposite and say good on him leading a double life and

sucking all these dicks I mean to do it without your kids right I think it's an actual no I deserves an honor I salute them but I'm just saying isn't it amazing just for anyone to be like I've probably sucked right just a guy in his leisure time this guy doesn't have leisure times he's doing he's always telling Liz I gotta run errands write the lies go into the gym how many that's the way you tell me you're we work out a lot Segura you go on these four hour hikes you come back hours past it's dark outside you're not sweaty at all you smell nicer than you did when you left like yesterday you said you were working out you came home you smelled good when you came back yesterday yeah your beard smelled fresh that's not normal it's weird anymore is at

the end of the clip yeah that's the end of it um well you're always out it's gone kids are like busy guy so um one of the things did you get hard thinking of them like it with the man did that make you hard oh my god stay over there that's all I'm saying don't reach over the oh my goodness do you think Liz has any inkling yes she has to she knows but there there's a forced level of delusion with Liz Liz is Liz is telling herself poor Liz but she's got to get through life well Mikey and I we've been together for 47 years fuck the wife she's a cunt I love him so much I make him a biscuit with tea every day fucking cunt we've got four children together with vacation and shaftsbury what a man hard cock suck it swallow that cum you know he's worked at the

factory for years to support our lovely family stupid boring cunt speaking of uh well it's your smurf day oh my god we're gonna go there all right yeah I am happy we missed it for people that don't know 40th birthday I turned 40 um finally god damn it now you're in the 40th club 40 for like nine years I am between the touring and I had a small part in a movie we always you know we always we never skip this show no matter what we always right no matter what and I turned 40 I came home from a long week out and I walk into my living room yeah and you yeah had put my dream my own private jet that's right hey that looks really expensive so I walk in and I guess is this on the screen can they see this I see a fucking private jet made of balloons yeah and it says

and it's enormous I mean that thing is like it's a huge six feet long yeah and it's good it looks like something you would see at a Kardashian's birthday party yeah you know it's like an extravagant uh anyways I was a fortune it looks like it really did but I was really I was uh they offered me a 12 footer and I was like we can't even get that in the door no no you got you got me I laughed I was so happy to see this huge 40th um numbers you know I got a lot of 40s around the house that you didn't forget that you're 40 now yeah and then it says Tommy's jet on the side of Tommy's jet I mean just to be clear though it is kind of a bummer you know what's the bummer that you see the like when I show that to people they're like oh is that what they give you when

you get a jet I was like no that's it and they're like so what is it I go that's the that's the present it's Tommy's jet yeah I have to say it was so exciting to get you it made me happy so for those who were just listening I had a uh six foot model of a jet airplane made out of balloons it's a balloon sculpture and yes I did go to where the Kardashians actually get their balloons done for their it's awesome it is actually impressive and the best part is the delivery guys who set this up these two Romanian guys I think they were they they roll up to our house and they were thrilled because they knew who you were they were mommies they were huge podcast fans yep the guys who installed this in our house and they're both like so geeked

for me to talk about this on the show so so shout out to my my brothers who put this together and they were like uh so where's the actual jet you got them yeah uh but you'll be happy no I did spend a fortune on that and and the reason I didn't buy you a jet yes is because I know what you really wanted which was more attainable and so I liquidated one of our son's college funds really that's awesome and I got you this what is this just check it out okay just because it's your 40th and I know it feels heavy yeah holy shit yeah what do you love it do you love it do you love it yeah what is this is this a Cuban with diamonds yeah

yes guess how many carrots I don't know a lot let's just say it's a thousand dollars for every year of your life which kid's not going to college well the one that looks like you not as bright probably the one that looks like me is going they're gonna hear these episodes you know what well they're gonna know I one of them went to community college and the other one I know I know do you love it here you want me to put it on you yeah of course okay it's a really nice change for those of you listening I kind of I wanted to go simple yet extravagant you know what I mean that's a thing no it's like you don't want to go

I didn't want to get like a like a wacky design oh my god there you go there you go but get the sparkly side up yeah there you go ooh that looks nice yeah Tommy thanks babe wow you look great and like only one kid doesn't go to college yeah that's fine I don't know oh I love it make sure to get the diamonds up yeah diamonds up oh that looks great wow I don't know how to do it no you did it you've got it oh okay it looks fantastic what do you think I love it thank you does it feel like it's enough yeah I mean it'd be cool if I had a plane to fly with it on but yeah why are you taking it off I gotta take these out of my ears and put them underneath it okay you know and I was thinking too you could wear this on tour you can take your next publicity

like you're now the the the comic with the chain right because there's not a lot of guys out there not a white guys out there wearing gold chains like that what's that supposed to mean it's usually reserved for a different type of white guy you know what I mean guys who sell other people in the sexual slavery Jesus eat borscht stuff like that you're saying that I look like a Russian white guy no you look great okay well I'm really happy with this thank you you look great well happy birthday thanks I know you're upset about the jet so you know this really made it up thank you you got it happy birthday man yeah really exciting this feels right you feel good yeah yeah you've

been begging for it for so long I know I just couldn't and I know you guys listening are like I can't believe she got him a change she was so against it and you know what I've realized that I have to stop being a dream crusher for you thank you there's only one life to live yes and if this is what makes you happy look we're not going to live forever that's true that cash when we die who care it's gone you may as well enjoy it that's this is a where's this perspective coming I know let's buy the jet after the show I don't fucking care love it really sell the house get a jet I don't care this is a new you you like it I like it a lot reckless huh this is the gift that I wanted for

my birthday yeah just for you to start saying some stupid shit more yeah you got it I'm all stupid shit all day I got nothing but stupid in this head dude this is great are you serious yeah I've listened I'm I'm 42 I've been in my 40s now for two years and it fucking it really awakens your existential stuff you know what I mean yeah I feel like life is so short and we're just gonna die soon anyways cares yeah yeah man anyway speaking of which oh oh blowing and swallowing they come oh my god that's what I'm talking about that's a guy who has the same mentality wait isn't this what Doug Mallard sent you no this is a different thing I'm playing an audio drop oh okay yeah so yeah um I was saying that that guy has the same mentality that yes carpe diem you know what I mean

embrace the wife she's a cunt cool that's normally but now I'm changing my perspective so I've won you over you won me over with my chain and your new perspective Doug Mallard the great Doug Mallard hilarious comedians been on the show dude sent me this on my birthday and this was one of the worst experiences of my life me too I hated this immediately play this happy birthday to you happy birthday to you I hate it turn it off he's doing that with his mouth I don't know how he's doing this it's so annoying oh my god it's okay thank you it's horrible let it go let it go let done all done the listeners

Doug Mallard oh my god oh my god enough all right all right can I say happy birthday okay okay cut it cut it this reminds me the first time I heard Mariah Carey do her yeah right and it's great you weren't sure if you liked it or not yeah and then later you're like that's oh that's her talent she does that real hot kind of blasphemy are you talking about the first time you heard Mariah you didn't think it was kind of weird and annoying where she was like some day you got me feeling emotions like that what was that guy's name Shane remember him yeah Shane Shane yeah Shane who's horrible thanks Doug we're horrifying it yeah that was a really cool present thanks Doug goddamn listen what's that guy's

name man Shane Shane yeah don't don't wait the listeners remember they hated us for that episode hated us for this episode for those you don't know it's an old one we found this guy and he was like giving karate and singing lessons on his youtube channel yeah like 19 followers yeah and we were like oh we should do a whole episode of just him we didn't figure out the time is what what you learned doing a podcast over time is that the audience doesn't want two hours of a maniac they want like 15 minutes of a maniac and then on the next night right right you cannot fucking just do all your time it was uh crazy yeah it was quite a lesson i'll say that it was a lesson you guys hated it we got it message received um the now he's he's looking for the drop of feedback was like

fuck you this episode people got so mad about it man so angry so i guess while you're looking for Shane's drop i'd like to share a new development in my private life sure um i started doing something recently that's like you know when you do something a certain way your whole life a little bit hot for me there we did we fucked him a 90 minute episode and he called into the show he called into the show and then we were like sing mariah sing prince sing david bowie sing everybody he was like all right didn't he have the smoke detector so people this thing we're like all right so we move and i like nope

shane's gonna sing diamonds and pearls now yeah it was always technical yeah oh okay quite good perfectly perfect but i didn't hit it he would say he kept saying you give you diamonds and pearls you gave you you gave you diamonds and pearls you gotta be my computer uh-huh okay there you go okay the smoke detector battery yeah okay here you ready okay did you hear me sing

now i will never run oh wait timing off just a little just a little bit just a slight yeah it was great three times for you i'm i'm just practicing here right three times yeah he would always let you know that you know yeah yeah this is just practice yeah anyways uh so i was like i'll tell you on this new thing you know how you do something one way like for 40 years 42 years of my life dude i've been getting out of shower and then what i do this is so mind-blowing and i know you're gonna think this because i've been doing this my whole life i got out of shower i just kind of throw a towel around me i wrap around my body and then i kind of just like pat pat pat and then i just throw the towel aside like i i just hate taking the time to dry myself off

and i've done it my whole life and then my arms will be wet my legs will be wet and i'll just kind of flick the water off a little but i won't fully dry it with the towel right and then i'll go and i'll get dressed and i'll put on my pants with wet legs i'll put on my socks wet and i'll be furious because like especially when i try to put on like pilates leggings i'll be furious because it's so wet like i can't and why doesn't what part of your brain doesn't go i should dry that i don't know and that's the problem you know how many people listening are like god i don't like her so much because our staff when you told them they were all like furious i know i don't like her anymore i know and like i don't know why i i know how i started this i've always done it this way my

entire life i think it's just because i wouldn't hurry and i don't like to take the time so anyways two weeks ago i started drying myself off completely what towel yeah like i i took the time i call myself how did i not notice this yeah there's a lot you don't notice and then i i took the time to dry off my arms and my legs how nice was that dude putting on clothes was so much easier i'm putting my bra on and not having it stick to me and like putting deodorant on because then i would try putting on over wet armpits and wait till you discover forks they're so awesome for like you scoop up the food and you put it in your mouth i know it's really cool but i don't know why i did this so horrible like put on clothes when you're wet and i do it i do it

worse i did it for 42 years this is why you've been in a bad mood because of putting on wet clothes yeah 42 years for me in a bad mood too dude i didn't realize how stupid that was like wait till we check in in a few months you're gonna be like you know what's put me in the bed putting on clothes when i dry it off i know yeah it has it's like changed my whole life i don't understand how you accepted that before i bet you this is the worst thing you've ever told me no better better than wipe gate what that i will go shit to shower this is this is worse worse than wipe gate yeah definitely no yes listen i bet listening no it's not even close listening it's not even close right now listening there are people who go i do the exact no they don't no they don't drying off

as a waste of time no they don't just put your clothes on wet who cares it'll dry no wipe gate was real wipe gate was like there's a split people go like i get it i go shit to shower not most but people did yeah no one listening is like i go shit to shower that's what i'm saying joey ds goes shit and oh my god your your comprehension skills no i know i know i'm just listening i'm listening that's what i'm saying some people would side with you no one is siding with you right now nobody nobody is understanding you don't know that josh potters are do you voluntarily not try off josh potter he's asked josh he's a cockroach he probably does stuff like this too all right josh here come over here yeah there's no way he has

good hygiene like i do josh like it's josh furi ate oh the monitors went black the monitors just went off okay they're back um i have done that because everyone has done it everybody knows the experience i only own a few towels so i've run out and i'm like that's do you understand the difference between what i'm asking and what you're saying no she's saying that for 40 years she's just been like i don't want to dry off it's a waste of time i don't want to get dressed i get dressed daily by not drying off everybody knows the experience of having not having the time or whatever circumstance to get dressed wet and then you go this is horrible it's i'm gonna dry off and i would do like that's what you normally do as a hairless woman i would imagine you could just

it would dry evaporate pretty fast right that's my and see i think that's been my logic this whole time is like why do i need to go through the problem the thing of doing this but you've been damped this whole time and i know and i never registered are you not working so do you on a day to day basis no i'm gonna get dressed wet no because here's the thing i often do though on accident right because i'm harry right so like me drying off i could take a towel to this all day and i still am like a fucking dog right but you still try to get dry yeah i try like the dickens and sometimes i fail yeah yeah but that happens to me too i have body hair so you're trying to dry off right sometimes you start putting you're like oh this is horrible so like the next time i shower

i'm gonna dry even more i'm saying she's going yep i know i'm wet this as makes me mad it feels bad and then the next shower she's gonna do the same thing well i figured out why you need to have the temperature at 78 degrees all the time because you're fucking damp walking around all now why why why are you sitting here why are you doing this doing what not drying off what is wrong with you it's one of those things i started in childhood i didn't like taking the time to dry off and i've just kept the habit my entire life until i got sick of it and i just changed my ways i'm gonna do some christina voodoo on you go ahead reverse it do you think you don't deserve to dry off there you go no thank you just earned a paycheck i honestly think i'm too hurried tell us

what's really going on no i'm in a hurry and i don't want to take the time to dry myself fully i feel like it's a waste of time and i don't like wasting my time it's a fucking time waster just like grocery shopping you just realized that it's not a waste of time though no and now i've changed my ways and it's literally like 30 seconds more right but i've just learned that i just learned that and so now i just learned that now that you aren't walking through your days damp right are you feeling like you know you can experience a cooler temperature in the room no that'll never change but what i do feel is a sense of like calmer like i maybe i'm gonna need to calm myself down a bit is what that what's happening is i'm too anxious it's anxiety i gotta calm myself down because i

feel so angry right now about what about everything everything you're saying everyone here you don't there's nothing you do that's a weird thing i'm sure there is one day you'll figure out is completely maybe counterproductive not as bad as what you just said if my socks get wet i want to destroy everything so i can't imagine how i hate that and everything i know so you put on wet socks every day yeah i don't know you i don't want to know you we got we got to go to like a therapy i know i got to talk about it the fucking worst anyways wait josh while you're here got a message from a listener about you oh boy yeah it says hey i've been listening to josh's sexual downward spiral i want to help upward spiral i want to help i spoke with my mother she has needs he has wants she may be 65

but she is a former power lifter with a heart of gold and is very nurturing josh doesn't like to wear bags my mom can't get pregnant so it's a win-win have josh email me for details balls deep liam so it'll be the first mom i fucked really yeah you're into like 65 or oh mom i mean i don't know now that i'm older i mean when i was 23 i uh i fucked like a 40 something year old that's pretty big leap at that age yeah and she ate my bum what yeah that's the woman that ate my butt a real mom by the way okay and uh did you have a did you have a lot of prep time to get your butt ready no sure i had some i definitely made an effort but you know i didn't try off that day let's just say that wait what was your what was your prep work i took a shower that day and like

well once i knew she was coming and wanted to then eat my bum i prepared my ass how did you know she told you yeah she explicitly said she was gonna do that night you know i thought maybe she was joking but i didn't want to take any chances you know so i went home and scrum gang yes scrum scrum how did you and how did you prep your butt is when i mass i just washed it thoroughly that's all you didn't trim the hairs no i let her deal with the hair how was she at it scrum i mean it was my only occasion where i got it so it's like i think it was uh five stars you know yeah now did she um just kind of lightly delicately touch your starfish or did she like she started that way she uh she started just in the area yeah and then well i mean like i said i didn't know if she was just

joking around were you in the change my dye dye or on all fours i start she started just you know doing what women do down there and then all of a sudden lifted my legs into change the dye dye situation wow and i was like huh what's this for and then i found out wow yeah i realized hey that thing's happening that she teased earlier not gonna lie i'm rock hard right now i'm gonna throw up thanks josh you're like the guy in the car i am me too brah me too josh keep talking okay great thanks josh um all right look yeah i'll fuck that 65 year old is all i'm saying okay all right we'll set it up man make josh come tour it's coming um so the greatest moment in the history of podcasting happened yeah last week oh my god and that is when the uh tried out guy jesus christ

came on our show and oh my god like the feedback has been outrageous i have been as some of you have been jumping into he goes live on uh instagram sometimes like 26 times a day and i go on instagram 26 times a day yeah to see his stories yeah you're not in the insta stories you've got to get your life he doesn't know what's about to happen though oh my great here you can tell there's 11 people in this thing yeah it's the beginning it's about to be so many more dark is fat okay what is that okay it's robert okay robert is the tried out guy yeah guys cancel your cable fuck tv get on instagram stories dude this is the only thing worth watching and we have a fucking ymh exclusive here on our hands we've gleaned the best of his insta stories for you right this this is just from

the last week robert paul ch that's his instagram handle um it stands for robert paul champagne and it's that is the tried out guy if you're familiar with the tried out guy that is him um and he he does not fuck around god damn it on his on his uh instagram live oh it is it's tried out here we go let's see some okay so um i said i found this slave day man that's what niggas tie me up let's get some a clamp let's point for kids man press pause so if you don't know he said why because he kind of i can't really stumble through some of it he said if i was around in the slave days uh he drops a big word and then he said he put his tits in a clamp um and he's like mashing his his chest around and he's fantasizing about uh slaves dude

first of all he does all his insta stories buck naked yeah and he always gives you a peek if you ask nicely dude i've seen this guy's hog like 50 times yeah and that's just the beginning he's naked all the time and he's we gotta he needs a better phone he's got like a fucking razor phone or something the audio is bad he goes uh bar's fat all right bar's fat get some a clamp let's point for kids man yeah smacking my fucking ass using me my fucking thing i found picking up cotton yeah whipping my fucking ass yeah milking me oh fucking a man that'd be fucking hot man being a fucking blade the hot niggadick man being used yeah so he just went he wants to be a you know it's the same thing it's actually the perfect fantasy for him he's saying

he's always talking about black eyes pissing on him and beating him and then this is basically morphed into a slavery fantasy sure i missed this one live i'm yeah i missed it too yeah i don't know how yeah the west i would love to be in a slave days and have black hot niggas owe me man what the fuck man hot black niggas owe me and um change up whipping my ass have a black cuss fucking with my ass saying man and put the practice of working with my ass maybe pick the cotton naked man and picking a cotton to put in my ass and jesus christ man so if you're not putting it together he's saying that uh back in the slave it's weird because he's like i want to be in the slave days but i want them to chain me up and whip me and then pick cotton and fuck me what i guess cotton and that

is yeah i don't think he has a good idea of what happened back there yeah the chain of command i'm home now comes here the cure is the water chain okay the best part okay first of all at this point and we're recording this we've only got like a handful of people that are into this yeah and there's like 18 people at a time watching these and they're all getting him to say why i'm age stuff which is the best it's the best yep no no no no no oh fuck oh fuck yeah for my dick oh my god this is so hard to watch i remember this one yeah oh oh he's uh he's uh he's he's drinking his own he's drinking his own piss and uh it's kind of rough man he well he drinks quite a bit quite a lot i'm gonna throw

let it throw up well you and i watched this one live and we were in bed watching him not watching anything else and he would piss into the cup and it was like hot like warm and then he would just conversation and then he was like swig it and people were like uh they would go learn why are you drinking your own piss he's like well because no one else come over here to piss on me like he he was mad that they weren't you know he's saucy about it yeah he was um he was like getting back at the people that aren't pissing on him he's like i'll drink my own piss then oh my god all right there's more yeah okay i had some wine and the piss and i'm gonna get drunk uh you have to oh no no don't drink it no no don't don't oh my life oh my life so let me know okay yep see here it

is right from that right from the hand land after my piss because i need piss man oh yeah i wonder why because no one's showing up yeah he's upset no one's showing up so i'll take a drink my piss okay uh was that fun doing that censor mark on his dung uh it was not fun to track that blur really not fuck the wife she's a cunt great we should put them together i know i feel like i want to get him and terry together yeah right terry would be a good match i mean what he's doing is like he's on instagram and he's posting his picture he's repeating his address his home address he's repeating the phone number i'm wondering if it's paying off right now he's got to have found

a black guy who's willing to f him at this point right you would think so um we gotta get we got to get this going so why don't we um why don't we try to give him a call okay you know okay um okay let me see here um let's make a call is it seven yep let's see if this works okay is it dialing i'm home here now yeah there we go there we go shit man let's ask him what kind of phone he's using hey tom ask him what phone he's using what is he using on instagram because it's terrible his audio is terrible he really doesn't understand technology that's good and we just set this up we just told him we were gonna call him five minutes ago maybe we'll try it later on yeah i mean

uh maybe he's not home here now you know i mean yeah i don't know he's maybe he's on instagram and he's using the phone right now to be on insta he's the boss you know yeah i think he's home here now my potter said he's gonna try and call him and get him on the phone you're leasing the key man yeah um i'm home here now i just gotta say though it it seriously it still is the thing that i just can't believe this actually happened oh my god this has been i mean he premiered an episode 420 and we're we're oh yeah he's on the phone right now uh 420 which means 80 episodes later basically is that amazing which is like two years yeah it's really crazy like this has been so long in the making this is i feel like this is a huge payoff not just for our listeners but like for us

for humanity yeah this is we're doing science right yeah that's it it sounds like he's talking so can we call right back yeah yep uh you said go ahead and hold on yep go ahead go ahead all right here let's try it again all right let's do it again so one guy's phone number i don't have to worry about putting out there let's see 2395 Wagner apartments is this the right number yeah it is hello hello hey robert yeah i'm speaking good morning lucifer how are you how are you doing good hey man um it's tom and christina and hi we're we're so excited to be talking to you you know this is gonna be a big it's gonna be a big week man for your social media

well whatever you know oh no sir this is gonna be a game changer okay um here's what's gonna happen those uh your followers are gonna go up by the thousands you gotta be prepared that you're gonna have to like turn your phone off sometimes because people are gonna be calling you a lot they might be showing up i would also check your mailbox frequently i think people are gonna be sending you gifts um just to be sure it's 2395 Wagner houses apartment 124th and 1st avenue east Harlem 7189309723 did i get that right that's correct it's pretty good huh now robert we we've been following you on um insta stories and loving what you're doing oh yeah you're putting out a great product you are and we're wondering now you're

gonna be getting flooded with followers will you be doing anything new on your instagram stories we've noticed that you've been drinking your piss and you've been shirtless it's been exciting it's been really really cool and anything new to expect in the next week or so i got a few surprises coming oh a few surprises um now one thing that i really got excited about is you mentioned um in the stories and even in comments that you're gonna be doing a live show on coney island this july you're gonna do some stand-up is that right i do comedy and i'm saying and i do what i care is a karaoke thing but a thing and i do comedy i do and i do gifts to people and for it's a career act i do babe you know that

like if you give out the details of where you're gonna have a humongous fan club show up to watch you perform right like yeah but i do i perform in july okay july or friday's friday's and sunday's only what time what time is your show here well well jane stuff is that we people have to come by six and he's stuck around six o'clock so i get i going around 8 30 8 30 but where's the location it's coney island brickland new york coney island it's coney island there's a wonder wheel is that on the boardwalk okay all right and you you know it's around there well okay i'll say coney island's still there but you don't go over there and you go straight you see the wonder wheel you walk over and you see uh you see a karaoke there's a bunch of people on this on a boardwalk okay

that makes sense so now i want to ask you about um some in the courting some of these guys because what happened to guys do you think i feel like guys used to just want to fuck fuck fuck fuck and then are they kind of being shy now and some are some are some sounds such a bullshit to me to fall on and never show up and i know another this way i call it chicken yeah chicken i get you on that i feel like that with the next week or so it's going to change and i'm not kidding you i feel like you're gonna when we talk to you next you're going to be like man i am worn out i got pissed on beat fucked i'm i'm i'm done i think that's going to happen in the next two weeks we'll see yeah i hope so my fingers are crossed me too um so what's up um with the piss now some

of the guys you know i think a lot everyone has different kinks what's it like does your does your own piss turn you on the way if someone else's does or no oh it's okay it's you know what it's like uh but you know what i did and you had nothing to drink and you just had to go and well like that is a salty taste except that that's that great that's salty taste okay yeah okay nothing thrilling good fault all right which is excellent well great that's good to know um well we wanted to check in and just see how you're feeling and we're getting ready for you yeah are you this influx are you enjoying the interaction so far with the fans that have found you do you enjoy it yep and i'm i just about to try to get i have this phone but i'm getting another phone oh yes

so i tried to i tried to another instagram and tried to do another facebook because i tried to do it i want to keep you two phones going now okay good yeah you got to keep your phones going um keep going live on instagram people love it and i'm telling you this week is going to be a big week for you so we look forward to watching the shows and and seeing your posts please post pictures often people love it and um i i hope you have a great week uh piss on me and beat me and um that is it sir and we'll check it on you next time yeah to see if you're getting pissed on and beat on and if things are coming together okay all right all right robert thanks thanks robert i'm home here now okay okay bye bye there you go there's no idea what's about to

fucking go down now his phone's gonna shut down gonna shut the fuck down right yeah dude he's gonna people coming to his 2392 he's the only guy do you like i know his address and do it again dude you do it in the car it's like a like a car lot salesman 2395 Wagner houses apartment to c124th and 1st avenue east Harlem 7189309723 it's Cal Worthington in his dog spot it's like a car he says it it's like keys keys keys keys on van eyes it's a fucking jingle yeah he gave his fucking address and phone number and you just did to the internet yeah but he's like yeah of course give out my number the only person in the world who'd be like yeah cool i don't know he understands if he really understands how the internet works and the power what makes you say that

of what he's about to feel no i know he's about to know and i by the way i don't the one thing i'll tell you i mean obviously sense of humor we like to have fun i think it's fucked up if you tell him you're coming over yeah and also got like don't do that to somebody friendly reminder we do like the try it out guy and we encourage you to be civilized and keep it kind of friendly please do not jokes are great but like you don't want to mislead someone to be in like i'm down and i'm gonna piss on you don't shit on the guy please don't be rude to him he's provided us with so much love and entertainment it's been great i know please you know who would it be a nice treat for him terry any any yeah oh shit and he's so stylish but he doesn't look like he's from jail i think he

likes like homeless jail guys and he's shaking his head no yeah but we could just keep him out of the bath for a week you know i bet try it out guy would really appreciate a visit from any oh my god what do you say man will you go what do you think any no it's gonna be a big no for me oh wait you don't have to piss ever you never pee by the way for those of you unless you haven't seen any he is the best dresser on the planet he's one of these guys i'm let me describe his outfit white sneakers yeah they just saw they just saw they just saw them tell the people yeah listening oh white sneakers white sneakers white jeans and then like a 90s and living color shirt yeah and then a blue bucket hat yeah he's a cool black guy i mean what do you want to i know but any one of us people be like that's

special needs that person's got a weed rest like that yeah i could never rock that you can never we can nobody in this room but him because it's uh it's black guy exclusive is that what it is sure i mean you know especially like when you're in you're in certain your new york you're walking through you know washington square park you're in soho whatever you're just walking around you're like look at that fucking cool ass black always bro they can rock shit yeah yeah but then i've i've known non-black people that can it's like a superpower it's a superpower like i've known this one hair dresser cool as fuck but see that's the hairdressers that's a whole lane of cool yeah they're automatically cool they got a lot of problems but they're cool yeah yeah this one guy he could

wear like any salon that doesn't have multiple people in recovery oh they're they're all troubled souls aren't they they're the nicest people all the best i'm sober yeah they all have issues oh man i wish i had that gift some people just make stuff look cool yeah and he's one of them and he's gonna give robert the time i try so hard let's give robert all right we should get to our we should get to our guests and uh oh should we uh we should do one of these real quick oh my goodness real quick and then i've got one too um all right your mom's house will be right back and we are super excited honored to have an iconic comedian in here we've had a bunch of fucking schlubs and now we have a real fucking super

style dang cook thank you very much i feel like a schlub though i kind of feel schlub like but see you can say that because you know you're not so that's great okay i i i'm partial to the the to that uh that that attitude though i like that uh this couch by the way is going to be tricky yeah it's uh it likes to communicate as well so i'm just going to try to find out i'm sorry you know we could we could swap it out let's swap it out you want to swap it out in the middle of the furniture you guys have maybe like a hasik what is that i don't even know what that is i think it's strictly an east coast uh it's like an ottoman okay yeah it's a to put your feet up on oh yes i hate those i fucking hate those rat it's like a round thing i feel like dain's got all the

words he has got his specialty we had hasiks and hummels in our home don't know what figurines that's exactly it i know what a humble is okay but tell him because he doesn't have hummels we're like yeah they were kind of creepy little figurines of like it would just be a random girl with like a beret and an umbrella but they were like carved in or like scrimshawed into some special scrimshaw did you ever hear that word in your life no it's a total dain dain thing scrimshaw sailors back in the 1700s used to carve into whale's teeth and that was called scrimshaw is this the new hour that's fucking perfect it's all worked out i just learned to know my word of the day screensaver that's how is that is that really how you learned it no no i actually i i saw some

scrimshaw one day and i asked a person that was working at this little uh you know place in main where they sold all this stuff and i said who carves into these teeth and she told me the mean bob marley country bob marley country yeah yeah but you have such an you do have a great vocabulary were you a reader growing up are you a reader okay so i was not uh and i wasn't uh particularly book smart but my dad was in broadcasting and my dad had a um a love of language and he would read the dictionary and i thought he was a weirdo because he would sit and he would literally just learn new words every day and after i did my first album after i did harmful swallowed i listened to it and i was mortified because i was like wow i said the f word

so many times oh yeah and i just didn't have enough vernacular to paint verbal pictures like i wanted to add to still the antics in the silliness so i started doing just what my dad did and i started becoming an insatiable reader and then getting apps on my phone i learned new words like every day this feels like we're getting into uh uh gary gallman's writing tips everybody's into that i love it i love it too i love them he actually because it'll be obviously you know you're a season comic you you know some of the stuff but it's like it's like reading something some of it is completely new to your mind and some of it you're like you know what i should fucking do that i should do that and it's like um it's like a great kind of self-help tweet that

you just check i read it and all the time i'm like that's a fucking solid one man yeah it's it's tricky though because with comedy i get a lot of comics and or people that want to be comics and they they'll DM me or reach out and like what's the advice it's kind of hard because what you really want to say is you know just get on stage a whole bunch yeah right from the heart and don't really listen to anybody because i got a lot of bad advice coming up out of boston yeah there was these legendary comics in front of me and they were like you can't do this don't do this you can do that what was the big no that you shouldn't do um i think the one thing that those guys that i had to break the habit of is they were um they were all about like being bombastic at that

time it was like men doing comedy back when i started like alpha guys that like yeah you would see like at local bars and then all of a sudden they're headlining these clubs and so i didn't learn the stillness that i appreciated about like the denis wolfbergs and comics that i grew up watching that i thought were kind of off kilter and interesting just to listen to as opposed to just watch right um and so i i kind of had to break break that habit as years went by because i went completely and followed there you follow what they said to do i did yeah sure i was already energetic and excitable on stage but it then it was um it was so big that you weren't really listening so much to any kind of poignancy if i could say that or anything that was like you know the real gravitas

so i was doing surfacey material because if i'm going to act like a t-rex there's nothing really to say about that unless i know paleontology and i can somehow sneak it in so yeah you'd have to figure out how to to write with to match the performance basically yeah and that was probably this is my 29th year this month and uh and that was the one thing that um i finally in i think it was 2008 i was performing it was the first set i did of the new year at the laugh factory and i always give myself a challenge as a comedian every year something a new a new tool that i'd like to see if i can you know add it into my you know repertoire and i hit the stage i planted my feet and for one year i didn't move for a whole year i held the mic and i just stood and deliver

i wanted to sometimes because it's just in me to you know to you know take the whole stage yeah and it was the it was the best thing that i've ever done ever in my comedy career i've done a lot with it because people were like move oh why are you so lackluster at this point it's funny by the time i was done with it then i felt i could shift into that gear that i of guys that i admired like chappelle you know i was i was older than chappelle watching him in new york do exactly what took me 12 13 14 years unbelievable standing thinking you know still being uh you know obtuse and weird and silly and off kilter but when he had something to say he wasn't afraid to sit in it love it that's true i've had to uh work on the opposite i get messaged like dude you gotta move

people are like you gotta do the undertaker oh yeah people are like man you know you stood still for like 66 minutes and i'm like yeah i mean i wasn't trying to but then i then i think about it i'm like oh a little bit of something breathe some life into this a little bit yeah i mean i think it's like car you know growing up watching carlin yeah and uh and feeling like you know i think john stewart once said like him and prior they're the architects of what would be comedy and i i definitely subscribe to that but watching carlin um i was like mesmerized by how he could do fart jokes and talk about we talked about language and then a reverent yeah yeah and then suddenly this brilliant bit about the earth or but then it like you'd finish that bit that blows

your mind and then he'd be like you're a fart so yeah right into it yeah i mean so great anytime comics start kind of chipping away at each other i just want to be like yeah have you seen carlin don't you know we can do anything and do a guitar or you can do whatever except magic we're not going to do magic magic yeah magic don't count let me gush about you just a little bit gush about me i gush about you because young christina p young christina pajitski i'm a baby open miker it's what oh four oh five ish yeah and where was it at the laugh yeah okay and dan you said it like it burnt down a couple of years ago did you remember that place no because it hasn't the copa cabano clubs because rest in peace i mean it was like there's there's an era it was dane cook owned the sunset

strip and i'm this baby open miker and you couldn't get in to see you and and it was doublins up the street j davis right we'll get there but um but you oh i just have so much so many great memories of listening to your albums and realizing that comedy could be silly and fun and you didn't have to be so serious and so you know what i mean like right back see trunk space you're i mean just the silliness escapism yeah which i loved in guys like uh you know jerry lewis or steve martin or martin short i love the just the escape from the things that were encumbered by sometimes yeah i i had a real appreciation in oh four i can honestly say i think that was the happiest year i mean i'm happy now but that was a year where everything was like

i was still hitting that first wave it was still rising i hadn't had any backlash or any of the stuff that uh you'll find out about uh with this show um but in in oh four literally was like um just an embarrassment of riches you know feeling like i had all these fans i accomplished this stuff that i didn't know if i would i hoped but um and then suddenly i'm yeah performing on sunset strip where you know all the bands that i loved motley cruise and all these things that i listened to they were there dude i like tommy lee was at the show was at my show randomly tommy lee yeah that's dude i remember okay i started in oh two and like 2004 like people don't know what the fuck was up like now what was up with doublins and how you go upstairs and what was it tuesday night

yeah tuesday night free show and i went up there a couple times it was stacked to the walls you mean you slithered in packed packed and yeah dane would set off a fucking blowtorch yes oh my god and actually you know what was one of the craziest things was like as hard as you killed which i was like oh shit like the place would shake fucking alonzo bowden always would like go up after i was like this motherfucker's gonna die alonzo would be the only guy he would like reset the stage i'd be like what are you doing and but then he'd do the same thing and it was that that thing of like once you get up there you have to if you're thinking about the other comic your your their energy is still going to be yeah circulating he made it is he made it

his he's always done that i love that yeah he's great dude but i remember watching your says there and i was two years in yeah thinking like i should be up there and uh going up to j and being like you know can i get booked on this and he was like he's like looking over me like yeah yeah and uh i was like okay that's j j does that yeah right and then i uh i brought tape you know this vhs tapes i gave him a tape like yeah yeah i'll watch it i'll watch that appreciate you man and like you know just and of course i never heard from him or anything but i also found out today that any who works there in the hat that's his dad's place what yeah yeah get out of here yeah we're talking about these like doublins bubbling and doublins as jay put into a song this is dad's dad's club

that's crazy yeah it was a career for me a career changing room um because i think i still felt there was a certain protocol at the clubs that like oh i don't want to like make waves i don't want to be part of the show and doublins allowed you to go in and just kind of take ownership of because it's a free show there's really no pressure you're not losing the club any money if you're experimenting or um do you would murder yeah oh man it was that was a great uh that was a great spot we got to watch a lot of people come through there too who obviously dr ken was performing at at doublins like after a shift at the hospital yeah yeah for real now i've got to ask you about the story so this is one of the the many lures of dang cook this is sorry some of these are scary

no this is highly complimentary so i heard this story i'm a baby open miker and i'm dang cook you're my favorite you're my favorite i listen to your cds over and over and um someone goes oh what happened at doublins dang cook gets on stage and a fucking heckler goes you're not funny and then dang proceeds to kill and destroys and he levels the room and he he at the very end of a set he goes fuck you not funny and drops the mic and gets off and i was like that's a fucking great story yeah it was something yeah i don't remember exactly what i said but i looked down at that guy and i just basically was like what's not funny about that motherfucker and i just i walked off and then i hid because i didn't want to fight me i'm like of course i always have had that

reputation well he must be so like alpha because of the the bigness of the performance but i was always like the one person after i'd be like where's that heckler i really don't want to see that was he big i just saw a shadow oh my god i'm not saying i was a pussy but no but yeah non-confrontational sounds a lot better did that and did it build that show did it build organically i just remember doublins yeah so the reason i went to doublins is because chappelle went to doublins i had no intention of doing it but chappelle came to the factory one night and he was like man i did doublins and and we asked him about it and he said it was great and so it was kind of like chappelle making that appearance helped that room tremendously because

then me and a bunch of guys were like well chappelle can work there then let's go over and see what it's all about yeah and that's how i did i went in the next week and i went up to jay and said can i do a set and he was the same thing he was kind of looking around he was like it's a packed night it's there's a lot and i literally looked at him i go seven minutes exactly seven minutes if i go a second over then i'll pay you i said seven minutes and he gave me seven minutes and i i just i loved that room immediately i knew at this point is your because the like the first big thing i that i remember i mean that the album was huge but also the comedy central half hour right oh my god that was massive so is that already out when you start doing this comedy central half hour came out i was

still selling harmless wallet out of my trunk for a couple of years what um that came out uh right around the same time as the album finally where i got a deal you know a record deal from comedy central and so it was perfect storm everything was like and that special god there's so much about that special that um was bad and wrong and things that didn't come together the right way but the one thing that was excellent is they said it would air a couple of times a year and it ended up airing every day on the clock about three years and every college kid amazing just built my whole and that's and is that how that happened now the college kids got locked in yeah yeah actually it was um you know because i was comedy central was the place to be it was yeah

comedy central was released it was you know i think they had like a show like a self park but you know their their whole thing was airing spend a billion four hours a day um and i was doing all these schools because growing up in new england there's there's colleges everywhere i would call these colleges i'd get in touch with you know whoever was in charge of entertainment and i'd say can i come to your college i'll do a free show and that's how i started building it are you serious yeah i would just take a gorilla amp a little travel amp and i just show up i'd be like where can i stand or where do you want me sometimes i'd be on a billiard table i'd be in a frat house that it was random and people don't know too because like at this point now you know the world

that we all live in is like social media connects all of us yeah and it's a huge thing and there's all you know every day there's new platform but like you were and it's it's credited this way as it should be hands down a pioneer in that at the time in the early 2000s like people now it's i guess a joke reference but like my space was huge yeah and you know here we are all trying to figure out our 15 minutes and we're still also trying to develop our my space you know what i mean but like trying to get our mice it's not even 15 minutes like two clicks yeah you have two clicks of fame but you had built this and then i mean the story people were telling the stories like about like oh dain fucking responds to every email that comes in that's all i did you sit around

never been a party guy i i don't i was not burnt you know we talked about where i was like i never had a drink or a drug in my life not racist yeah i was not fat i loved uh i love toiling in the whole idea of um promotion for some reason that really uh was as exciting to me as as performing is trying to figure out how to find fans and how do you how do you get elected as comedian of the year how can i and so i would leave my shows and get online and get on aol instant messenger and i would just talk with people as late i'd play video games and i talked to people basically all night long and i wake up the next day and do the same thing then those people are like oh my god i'm talking to dain's coming to kansas city site they're psyched i knew for me growing up if i could

reach out to steve martin growing up and say hey what's up and he talked to me and i and i by the way i talked to people over and over it wasn't like a one-time hello it's like i had some conversations going where i knew people two years later and i was like hey i'll call you today let me just call and say hi really yeah yeah no i i was i knew what was happening i honestly i i was alone in my house doing this for a couple of years knowing it was working feeling it and being like i'm gonna get i'm gonna blow this up so big yeah that the town this you know hollywood machine yeah has to give me a component of that mechanism had to yeah they did they really did it uh which was a it's a blessing and a curse because when you it's so strange because when you make it when you're

self-made then they're that comes with a lot of animosity that comes with a lot of you didn't feel any animosity for anybody did you i did i did of course you did holy shit yeah yeah but it talked to my therapist i mean he needed a therapist probably to talk about my therapy it's funny because i had always felt it was the opposite especially with stand-up comics we appreciate the labor so much that when one of us makes it after slugging away for 15 20 years you're like fuck yeah that guy made that i think there was some of that at the start and then what what tends to happen no i mean comedians it's different because i think that what happened with comedy was um morning dj's it got to a point where every comic traveling on the road

they'd sit you know and do morning radio and that person would go why don't you do what dang cook's doing and so a lot of comics were right you know kind of like i want to talk about my comedy and what i'm doing so i understood a little bit of that frustration but just the the commute the town in general it's like they want to they want to put the sword on you and say like you've made it you're in the inner circle not the inner inner circle right right in the yeah and the fact that i did it myself it it definitely was not uh uh the most you know kind of conducive thing when you're meeting now with uh people that want to review you up and to take some claim and like oh we wrote him up now they're having to talk to somebody they don't know

because he didn't himself that's not as alluring to this town which is the which is what it is now you did it yourself right now we give you stuff so you kind of create you did create this model of like i mean you look at the people that came up on youtube or whatever and now that's the model you make it yourself you get a million followers on instagram a million followers on twitter or whatever i was talking to a comic or a few comics back around 0304 and i said there's a word that we all need to be okay the old school skulking comic who you don't see until he goes on stage and where is he is in a drug den somewhere is he you have to be entrepreneurial i said that's going to be the next wave yeah it's going to be comics that actually wake up take care of their

life don't sleep the day away and and seeing it all kind of come to fruition i'm like you know what i'm not right about a lot of stuff but i was you're totally right right about a lot of comics don't realize that they are entrepreneurs you know like you you're you're a creative right but you have to have your shit together in order to kind of put everything you know i mean like it's a business and you're in a business isn't it great now you have a platform where this is what excites me most and why i appreciate you guys having me in here too it's like there's so many different kinds of conversations we can have with each other with different you know people that you that sit on this um quiet couch um and what you get from that is a more multifaceted comedian because now we can

look at a comic and go oh i like his act when he's in character and he's doing the thing or when she's committed to this you know sketch or whatever and then you can get to know a person right yeah here and i think that just helps uh all of us i think that's that's good for you know for um people that want to continue to you know the business will get hot on you and it will definitely get cold on you it always moves on the key is okay but i know how to communicate with my fans and i have a you know a positive you know reputation in with my peers i think that you can write it for as long as you want really i do that's good yeah yeah because i feel like i'm you know at this point in my life i'm like okay i accomplished a lot of things that i want to do but

there's still i i have a lot to learn still i feel like in comedy and there is still um things that have happened even in the past few years that inform my stand up and to be able to actually sit and talk you know pretty candidly and regularly it makes people who come into your show a little bit more understanding of like your entire attitude and not just your comedic attitude right which is great what what's exciting like after you've accomplished so much because like you have number one albums you know you did arena tours and specials and it's like human trafficking actually human trafficking it's gotta be exciting it's gotta be deviant i think i have some a method some better travel methods for sure yeah i'm gonna partner up actually with you hall that's great

that's gonna be great that's what i'm talking about this is the interview i wanted to do but like there's gotta be like right because like you're like i mean i fucking knocked it out of the park already but you know what when people say like because i'm doing this this tour now beautiful theaters all over the country and great you know great shows and sometimes people go oh are you you know you already did these big arenas are i go i didn't i got there but i enjoy performing in the club i enjoyed a lot of college stuff i just love it the craft i love it i love any amount of people there i love more people i think that for me it's like that plays into my strength sure but also the size cards that i'm doing right now are actually playing into where i'm at now

as a person and as a performer so yeah it doesn't feel wrong to me yeah yeah if you could give if you could go back to like 0506 and give yourself advice is there anything you would tell yourself differently that's great you know tom that's a great question because i think the the thing that put me at a disadvantage with i think sometimes some of my peers at that time was i was an introvert growing up and i i'm still kind of a shy person you know i kind of put it on you know what i mean i know how to put on the sure you know and and and yet i i have anxiety i deal with anxiety my mom was phobic she had multiple phobias so i was born actually my mom when i was when she was pregnant with me i couldn't leave the house oh she had agoraphobia oh yeah

for two years oh dear and she had to force herself to finally put me in a stroller to take me out so i was born with my dad's physique and athletic but you know a very kind of sensitive what that did to me and i guess it's just hindsight i didn't know was like i'd come into the club with my hat down and i'd fucking be lying right i'd go up i'd kill and then maybe i'd be pleasant real quick you know hey nice to see you and i'd leave and it didn't really ingratiate me with certain people that i had my comic friends i knew my graduating class and i were we loved each other yeah we still do but i think that it put me in a disadvantage because sometimes then people would think i was i was cocky or i was just uh you know i thought i was better than other people yeah god i wish i

could feel that i really would like oh how do you get that self-esteem i know how do you just how do you become a sociopath i'd love to do it yeah is there any way can you go get an operation i can just blast your cellar bell with a couple yeah feels like god i want to just be that guy i have to hit people with my car don't give a shit right feels fine i just care too much no i actually i i identify with you so the advice would be to yeah try to try to actually man i wish that i could have used my platform to i would tell comics about it but i i wish i could have brought them in and and podcasted with them or um let them use my platform with me more i'd bring comics on tour but to actually use what you've set up like here i'd tell myself to try to

you know meet with the connective people yeah connect just make deeper deeper connections with your with people with your peers yeah not just like i struggle with what you're saying by the way now at the clubs yeah yeah i i walk in and like i mean but people have told me they think i'm uh you're not a personality i heard serial killer i've heard i meet fans after shows but the truth is i have anxiety too and i um you know my my thing is always like you know that person doesn't want to what are we gonna say i don't you know they don't want to talk to me that's how i feel yeah and so i'm just like good to see you man and then i walk around the corner you know right just it feels more comfortable to do that also too it was like i was just so

non-confrontational growing up i had a fear of not just physical but like just somebody coming up in in um pushing me to defend my point because i'm a devil's advocate kind of person i really see things both ways and i can kind of hang with both sides i'm not like waffling or flip-flopping i just am like that open-minded like that so that put me in a place where i felt like i have to tell them that they're right or i have to tell this so i just i took myself out of the equation yeah and i did that and stand up for a long time i don't feel like i'm i'm that in that headspace anymore um but at that time it was yeah it was uh i but there was no playbook i didn't know how to be famous i didn't know how to you know i just uh no one can be totally ready

for what you for what you went through i think there's a natural ability to just want to you know treat people good and you know hopefully it'll be reciprocated and where i where i think i thrived with that is i just was so dedicated to my fans to a point where like you know i i would get emails and and letters on my space and they would be like hold your breath candid and stark and somebody sharing something with me that's like you know something unbelievable you know a 15 year old girl wrote me after i did saturday night live i had i had a whole routine about suicide and she wrote me this unbelievable beautiful letter and i'm sitting here reading it and she was she just shared with me her how she wanted to you know take her life and and seeing me on the show

and she laughed with her family and that gave her the the ability to say to her family like i've had some of those thoughts and it started a dialogue and so i keep in touch with her a year later two years later and then she's like i would say like in a year you tell me when you graduate high school and then i want an update on bubba bubba and i felt like this rapport with my fans and that was one of i can't even tell you how many thousands so i felt like i was giving that in some ways but i maybe wasn't giving enough of that within comedy i think i i had a lot of fear i definitely felt like there were comics and guys that were um didn't didn't like me for whatever reason and i isn't it weird in retrospect to go like well you i have to navigate this thing

and i'm i'm a i'm a fucking comedian yeah like you have to worry about all these like did i make sure everybody was all right offstage when like you know it's like you're just you're telling jokes and there's yeah to all these levels of like you got to make sure everyone's okay i gotta be honest i'm going away that i'm hearing men i as a woman coming up in a man's world i took my cues from you guys and i always thought it was the opposite that you guys were always like fuck all you i'm doing me i'm doing the thing peace out you know what i'm saying that you didn't think about all these variables so it's fascinating for me to hear because i i'm in my head too was like this is the wait step hate me this week i hope now i want to be like i'm gonna make sure i

leave a piece of thing and so it's interesting i'm just fascinated to hear that you guys uh give a shit a lot of it is a facade you know because we want it's for me it was like i this is who i want to be in life is who i was on stage for more years until i finally realized oh wait that is me i i can bring this into my life i can be assertive and and uh you know and i can you know tell like it is like my tour i i it just took me a little bit longer to figure out how to how to be able to do that yeah plus you're like your character on stage is like everybody's best friend yeah i mean it was the first review i ever got in boston that anybody ever wrote it was a gentleman by the name of dean johnson used to write for the boston herald and he was writing

about random comics that he happened to see and he saw me and he wrote a dink hooks comedy harkens back to summer days where neighbors gather on a porch and one person holds court and makes the neighborhood laugh yeah yeah and i was like okay that's me for the rest of my life so i get a great one that's what i like i like doing that it gave me the the ability to be random which i i just i always wanted to be two things like carlin random but i also wanted to just be able to grow and change and be in my 20s and be a comic in my 20s be in my 30s and then in my 40s my act has changed again uh you know and that's a lot of work because you don't want to lose the laughs yeah but you want to talk about you want to and you have this gift of specificity of the weird stuff like

fucking bryan's coming right like that all that stuff so fun because that's how you and your friends talk and you have somebody articulate that that mysterious thing that happens between friends when we walk into a human behavior that makes people go like oh that's the fun of a of the craft right it's like when sometimes you go up there and you throw out the random thing and you see it connect universally you're like oh shit yeah you see that moment happen and then you run with it and it builds and you're like oh this is why we do this and how fun what is your is that what's your um how do you amp up to a joke do you write on like i write on stage on stage yeah i can't write i fucking i make i get mad at myself i read my fucking gallman tips and i'm like god damn it

but the truth is like i'd be lying if i said i mean i write on stage yeah it's it's like five or six hour now and i'm like it's on stage is what happens yeah well i was going to ask you so vicious circle that was improv right for the most part or i heard a rumor rough run the edges was so vicious circle was the HBO special and i really felt like i was you know well rehearsed for that that was like two years leading up to it when i did rough run the edges i was doing Madison Square Garden i'd booked a movie with Steve Carell who sweats a lot i love really he's the he's the sweatiest person ever between takes they would need a shammy attack him online let him know oh my god he's probably the sweatest i love him but sweaty um and so i ended up doing this film and i couldn't

practice for you know a few months while we were doing the movie so i was out of practice and then my manager is like well we can't you know we can't move Madison Square Garden are you going to do the show i said i'll do it and uh i go i just need to do it one set just to work everything out and i went up to the providence comedy connection and i practiced and it was really rough it was like oh my god okay this is kind of funny but not for 20 000 people how far ahead of the show was this the providence show uh the providence show was the thursday before the saturday that i did what yeah so i hadn't performed in three months what so what did i do i was like i said to my manager i go get some cameras i said i'll i'll pay for whatever it is he goes we can't

do a full production i said just get me a few cameras so whatever you can do you know i don't care if it's college kids give it somebody the gig and he's like why do you want to film it i go because this is going to be a legendary bomb or i'm gonna i'm a pressure player i'm gonna like it's going to work and something as magical is going to happen and the thing about that sat was it was it was 50 percent improvised what i basically did out of fear trust me it was all fear based initially if a bit was working i just went with it longer because i was trying to have diarrhea just hearing my stomach my stomach hurts yeah because it's a special and there's 20 000 people why not why not um go like oh let's just shoot this somewhere else like another two months because

i couldn't cancel medicine square guard right they would have been upset if i said two days before i'm not quite ready um and i just wanted to film it to you know have it and what did you think when you actually watch the cut like the first cut are you like it's ready i said to myself god i wish i lost some weight and had hair and makeup always i didn't do anything it's it's like i look at it now i'm like okay this was not my best look no lighting nothing vanity wise was it was just to film the show to film whatever the fuck was about to happen to me you're crazy you think it was crazy improvised yeah yeah yeah a lot of it and in some of the favorite bits from that people come to me and say oh that's my yeah i love this thing from refer on the edges you're like i did that that

night i ripped it that night oh my gosh but it's it's still actually a lot of my method with stand up is to to write on stage and then once i feel like i i have a pretty good stronghold on it then the way i visualize comedy for me is i've got four corners four quadrants and i know this is funny i know this is funny this and this but i want to be in the middle i want to be able to sometimes come out of you know the formulaic which gets boring i get bored doing like that and and play in the middle and then if it starts to then i can jump up to this corner and then come back in the middle and i know where i want to end it but it gives me freedom to to be able to yeah be be present i just want to be as i still just yearn for being in them present always always

not leaving my mind to wonder what something else what somebody's thinking of me it's like that's i'm so determined to to get to that place where it's just it's more zen you know what i mean mm-hmm so well you mentioned the haters early on yeah where are they now they're not here they're not invited what if you just brought a thousand people you're like they're all here invited people who hate your guts come on in i've made that's the funny thing i i never meet them isn't that funny i'd like to meet him it's kind of a but like it's it's like a mirror of like you're an example of like what that reality of the the online big mouth and you're like you're sitting here a famous guy you've heard all this shit you're like yeah never meet him

and then anybody can also log on see crazy shit written and then you're like you never see those people or sometimes people will write something every once in a while something hits my eye line and i'm like i'm gonna say something ldm a person then suddenly they're like actually you know what i thought about it and i'm totally wrong like and they'll they'll backtrack on it after they've said something so entirely you know what someone just did but i don't normally respond to those things somebody sent me a screen grab where they contacted a famous person i didn't want to give credit to it and said like tom segura hates your guts i heard about that and then they sent me the screen grab and i go why would you tell them that and and he goes didn't you and i go no he goes

oh i'll let him know i was like oh thanks i'm so dumb so he's like he contacted someone to tell him that i don't like him and i'm like what the fuck man but the the point is like a famous actor you know i was like why would you tell him that silly but i want to rabble rousers yeah yeah they're shit mixers i wanted to ask you because i mean on the one hand you're this adored huge you're you're at the height of your fame you're at the height of everything and then to also have that other wave of just fucking hate or like how do you even cope with that bananas it was bananas but it was also like i i think i had um i understood what a like the the long-term career looked like because i because i'd become a reader i'd read biographies

autobiographies and more people's lives especially people that we all know that were like marlon brando must have just been happy every day doing what he loves and i was like oh wow okay at some point the wave breaks and then people like that because that's entertaining to watch somebody crash and burn especially when someone climbs out of the crash and burn yeah after the car crashes and burns we like when the guy gets out now he's good okay good but i kind of like when he flipped 44 times and broke many many bones in his body i kind of like that as well and i knew people were enjoying watching me flip and burn but they were enjoying i kind of just played into that too i i became i was like all right they were enjoying you flip and burn more because you ascended so high right

because like sure you know oh yeah if you were like uh he he's sold out a club one time no one's gonna be like fuck that guy they're like this guy's had a fucking run man oh because it was it was to a point i think where um it was a bit of overexposure as well and so people just you know they see something a lot a lot a lot and then it's i think just a natural tendency and i'd be hypocritical if i said i didn't do it i've i've i've done that about stuff from like another oh my god why do we need but jesus christ kevin's heart it kind of just went with it you know now i have diarrhea yeah but like isn't coping like so your coping though was i mean you have to figure out a way to deal with this it's like well i was rich okay so that was good that helped that helped

because i was i don't tell us how good money yeah yeah i grew up as a welfare kid in boston so trust me to have finally made it and had um wealth yeah was that was even more surprising but that's a nice thing to lean on when people are like saying hateful shit well it was perfect it was like okay so i'm you know now i'm going through the spanking machine and um you know and i'm looking at other travolta and i go everybody has that next i just got to be cool and live life smart away and love and maybe start a family or do whatever i could i haven't done that yet but i was looking already for other things to i'm gonna feed you for a minute yeah and and so i just kind of um i i saved all this money from all these years of working i've never been real like a spent thrift um but it was

like one of those things where when that crashed because of all my stuff with my brother i don't even know if you know about that yes dude we want to know if i could uh ask about it yeah no i don't mind i sometimes i just people always want to talk about it so i try to usually step away from it but if i bring it up it's like i don't mind talking about it it was like i thought i was good because i had all this money saved from the shows right hard work yep and then suddenly i'm getting hated and my brother steals my savings for people that's where it was fucking scary that's terrifying because i was like i may never come back i might not have another moment yeah and i'm broke so for people that don't know your brother was handling your finances right and um this was this was

highly publicized at the time uh was stealing money from you yes even though you were siphoning millions and millions of dollars what years by the way how like and i'm not trying to relive trauma but like how do you just like is there a mo is there a phone call like here's what's going on how did you discover it yeah i woke up one morning um i was buying a home in california and because i was buying a house here my business was still run out of a p.o box in massachusetts and i knew that once you're resident you can't really do that the irs doesn't you know because it's less taxes in massachusetts and all this stuff so i ended up talking to my brother and saying i you know i found a new business manager out here you're gonna have a different position in the company and you

know you can do fulfillment center stuff or merge or and i'm just gonna do myself out here because i'm buying a home he did not like that because he'd been sending me fake statements for maybe 10 years typing up yeah he would type up on microsoft word statements that's a plug for microsoft i actually am one of their spokespeople i've been working with word for a lot of years i also work i also work with excel and i just want to shout out to microsoft anyway back on they're so excited for that thank you so i i wake up on a monday morning this is this is what's really crazy about it is that on on the friday i wrote my i love my brother i really did he was he was my first real best friend in my life and i wrote him a letter on the friday because i knew he was

a little trepidatious about me moving the the business i told him it's hey it's gonna be all right everything's gonna be great um i've got some new ideas i think i know how to you know come back with a with a you know rocky two moment and uh he wrote to me on that friday in the last three words he ever said is my brother he said to the future and then monday i woke up and i literally sat up in my bed turned to my girlfriend woke her up and i go i think my brother stole my money you just had this how do you know yeah i think because a lot of things had added up in my new business manager that i just hired he was also getting pushed back from my brother to send the materials that yeah like transfer things over and it was starting even my new business manager was

like this is you know really off kilter usually people will send a me and it it hit me and i went down to bank of america on the corner of crescent heights in san amonica and i went in i talked to the manager she brought me into her office and basically it was like yeah there's nothing in your corporate accounts she couldn't i couldn't even get into my own accounts i gave her my federal id number i gave her she goes none of these work he'd given me false yeah i'd never looked in my bank okay i'd never i'd never looked i just trusted him can we go to the next thing why wouldn't you so at that like at that moment this because this is like this is like a fuck this is kind of you add suspenseful music that's the thing this is this is the movie i want to watch so this is this

shit i love so what okay so what like who next like you got you talk to the businessman your current businessman you're like so what do we do like what do you do call the fbi so i i called the attorney general's office of massachusetts i like knew a lot of those people because i'd done so many benefit shows yeah you know and i called him and i said listen uh i said you're gonna want to find my brother i said not only because of what he's probably stolen from me i said but probably what he's stolen from the state and then they were like we're on ding ding ding yeah and so they got him they arrested him and his his wife and i ended up uh having to go into court a year later and read what is known as a victim impact letter in front of this uh in front of

my brother holy shit yeah it was it was like a movie moment it was really unbelievable and he's sent to prison yeah i sent him to actually he was a before he worked for me he was a corrections officer he was uh he was a what at the prison i sent him back to what i hired him and got him out of the jail to work for me i made him quit and said i know i'm a working road comic i go but i will figure out a way to pay get an umbrella and get your because i because i knew he was getting a lot of from the state protection yeah dental and bubble yeah so it's weird because that was the he quit the prison to come help his little brother what did i do i worked harder because now i got to make it like a response like having a kid so when i go back and change any of this zero

literally everything was something that led to a more fortunate situation for me which is and crazy essentially i'm guessing here but what motivated him was greed right he just had access entitlement that's what the uh the judge said and i i felt it and seeing him and looking at him that day in the in the courtroom was surreal and what because he looked like a shark he just had dead nothing eyes nothing no emotion i didn't look at a person who i knew i was looking at a stranger we had different dads different dads say mom there you go that explains it telling you is that right a lot to that yeah yeah was his dad a psycho psycho yeah the whole family had impact disorder wait what we had what impact like impact different impact disorders from like people who

don't know any kind of like his dad one time in a movie theater the kid behind the wooden stop talking attorney smacked a stranger's kid that's impact disorder it's like people that don't know like oh no there's a you know decorum with how you treat each other yeah so they all had some bad dna and so his wires were crossed his wires were definitely and had you seen like did you any indication that growing up like i don't know timmy's kind of fucking like later i could look back and be like oh shit okay that was that you put it together yeah uh you know a sociopath is somebody who you know they um they're like chameleons you know they they know how to become what you are or i don't know it just nothing at all i don't know keep talking i don't

like that there they can be anybody go ahead loving fathers whole comedians podcasters who do you want me to be will you be my brother of course can i manage your accounts again yeah yeah i'm sorry so continue this so he was he he would be whoever so he was like your but i put him in jail your bestie put him in jail put his wife in jail she was they were in cahoots um what did he spend on yeah it's fast you know they just they it's called squirreling they just hit a lot of it i have money actually there's probably i should make treasure maps because i know that there's some places where there's some money stash them stash a lot of it you get to recoup i got a little chunk of it i got like about a year and a half later the police opened up a wall in his house and found

eight hundred thousand dollars and the cops called me and sent me a picture of my email they go look at this fucking money we got kid coming back to you kid wow and so a little oh but then they had to hold that so i didn't see that until like years later he also didn't pay my taxes so i had to pay more in penalties no yeah i couldn't get that money from the irs until i paid what he did to me's penalties and then once they convicted him then this irs actually sent me a check like okay yeah now now it's good you're right it was his responsibility but what's what saved me after is he took everything he basically took you know tens of millions of dollars for me and i had three hundred and twenty five thousand dollars in stocks something you can't pull out

easily he was like pulling everything out that last year once i saw the uh a forensics audit they call it i got to see kind of what he did and how he did it um but he couldn't take that stock money so i took that stock money and now that's oh seven we're in the worst housing crisis in the you know that the country's seen in however many years yeah people were like holding on to their money i took that money and i started a rent uh renting arenas so the arena tour was i rented those arenas i rented those like you rent a hall so you didn't do the traditional promoter deal like give me like it was like i'm paying for it yeah and then i will i incur all the risk but i get all the reward when it's great exactly it was like okay here's the door deal at this you

know 15 000 cedar i played 100 arenas and what i did is every month i'd rent three or four more because i was starting to you know get this money back and what was really honestly amazing the thing that that touched me the most was i knew i'd already hit like this upper wave i knew i had fans and fans most of your fans are going to be your fans if they like you and you don't fuck up um but i didn't i wasn't ready for the outpouring of support in how many people actually did spend their hard earned dollar yeah so they came they saved my life in a sense and it gave me a new outlook on like for the rest of my life i'm never going to do a movie or a tv show anything that i don't feel like is truly uh something that i can feel engaged in it's never

going to just be for a couple of bucks right because i don't want to sell you know people that like what i do short yeah so it all kind of it all kind of worked do you feel like that on that tour a lot of those people were like in their own way being like i want to help them recoup this crazy loss that they knew about or no i think some people knew yeah because i do meet and greet and they'd come up and they'd be like hey you know i'm just glad that we could be here uh you know for each other you make us laugh and we know that you're going through some stuff and that's very cool though yeah and then of course it'd be some people in the meet and greet and be like uh are you fucking stupid why didn't you look into your bank account i would have taken the money

from you too good to meet you man it's like okay great thing you want to pick all right yeah but that's so shut because like you said everything leads you to something else and something better and yeah wait how do you trust the reason after that i didn't lose my trust i didn't really lose my trust in people i definitely did you get into therapy after this yeah yeah because i'd lost also my parents i yes i remember yeah i lost both my mom and dad the year before oh my god to two different cancers i say that like they could have died from the same cancer yeah um but they they both passed away and then i dealt with the the stuff with my brother the year after that it's fucking yeah i definitely need it i didn't know how to i didn't know ready i didn't know fame i didn't know grief

i didn't know um i still had low self-esteem which the comedy had just kind of been like uh yeah once that started to go away i was like oh i never really fixed myself i just felt like i was the guy on stage and that gave me a new respect offstage yeah so i didn't have to confront people be like oh dame poly knows what's up right so this was like a wake-up call so yeah i definitely got into some great greatest gifts you can give yourself well because that whole thing of you know why didn't he look at the statements it's not there is something i imagined psychological to that like you why didn't like why do you get into therapy like what was that what was going on yeah i mean you know there's part of me that goes okay well it's just i you

know i trusted him i loved him you know betrayed with with love but i also never have cared about the money because we were we just barely got by my mom used to you know clean toilets and do house keeping and we had a great we could have a great night with ten dollars and so i don't know there was just a part of me that that i didn't put out a lot of value and money so i just didn't really look i thought oh he's he'll take care of it and his words were you take care of the creativity and and i'll pay your bills right so it was like the man in the suit will take care of me somebody else you know this this parental figure sort of will take let someone else deal with that adult responsibility i'm going to be this kid here here i am in hollywood i'm like no piranhas

have gotten me nobody has gotten me and i used to basically tell people i'd be like nope i i've made it without having to deal with the sharks and not realizing that uh the devil was my business manager jesus christ and then has uh all these you know time has gone by yeah i'm assuming he's out of prison does he oh you drove me here today no no you had me for a minute i was like no right there he's in the wrong that piece of shit is here i did no no i haven't spoken to him i've never spoken to him again but i'm friends with his son who is 15 at the time and now is in his 20s and i just did a show in boston and i invited him uh oh watch that just like my brother which is a little watch that dna man he's got that dna i think he's new dna he's a good how does he talk does he talk

about him i might have him uh actually do my business oh no promise me no um it's we you know we're real careful real careful about that but i did tell him some years ago i go there's going to be a moment or a day when you're going to want to sit down and you're going to say uncle dane i need to ask you some hard questions i said when that day comes i will literally fly to you i'm never gonna not be straight up with you so you know if you want to ever talk about it he knows that that's very cool you yeah you know yeah i worse on him i mean bad for me but that's his son and did this guy did he also like stash things in accounts under his name oh yeah i did yeah they just uh they lived a double life you know wow yeah when he'd see me he was just kind of like

a plain jeans and t-shirt guy but not around me they were they were just insane really yeah oh yeah everything like just living like uh you know like they were just world like old money as they call themselves living like thieves exactly yeah yeah jesus exactly now will you give christina some advice here because i'm trying to get her to see the light tell her how i should get a jet will you just give jet yeah god yeah okay well i would rent okay interesting yeah not purchase the jet well not yet what you want to do i think the jet i think the best we're on it wait first of all this is a good start keep going no because i see him on instagram dane does fly private i've seen it yeah yeah nobody on my team wants me to everybody's like we could make so much more money i said no i

just my anxiety i just want to get out of there yeah yeah i don't blame you i love the same year and then i like to go home that was the piece of comedy on the road that always was really hard for me course you finish your show and then you're like now i have to wait until when to get on a plane to do a connection to a yeah lonely so worst once i bounced back after those years with my brother my new business manager was awesome and he helped me to um you know invest in some new you know up and coming companies and so i started my money was making money good hands and then i could be like okay now i can just go back to working on my stand up you know and and trying to uh you know build that up but at the same time if i can get myself you know a charger jet to get

somewhere yeah it's fucking going forward going for it's too short right it's like after a while you're gonna be like right sorry i'm listening to that i can't i can't that's what i'm saying so much better tell her dane yeah but i'm sorry i'm still thinking about your answer and your i'm just trying to think about what you said you said i didn't care about the money and i like i totally i totally understand this as a as an artist and like whatever but that's an interesting phrase too i didn't care about the money meaning like i didn't pay attention to it and it got away for me which is really interesting lesson tom so because here's the thing that no leave i know no it's a it's a good point but it's an interesting lesson so do you have a different relationship

it sounds like you do like you found a different person to watch to in your it sounds like you you've taken more responsibility for your money that was like going through a portal of like hey i'm a boy all these years being like veiled with these lies or whatever he was doing to manipulate me and then suddenly i was okay i'm a guy i'm a man i have to sign my own checks and i have to be you know proficient and on top of it so it just was like another thing that i had to you to grow up man you had a rough few years then and you lose your mother you loved very much yep my best buddy yeah yep and then my dad he was awesome too we we kind of like did the dad's son thing for a lot of years where we just kind of were at odds you know cats in the cradle

shit and then finally we figured it out so we i had a great i got to show him everything i ever wanted to do i got to show him everything i told him i could do it's awesome so i'm proud of that you know and i'm glad i don't have any more parents that can die that's kind of nice that's nice so good that there's only two oh my god i was thinking of maybe getting a stepdad and then he comes down with i lost two of my four step i have two step parents and two bios and i've only lost two and i'm like i can't wait for the other ones too i know it's brutal um i want to show dain something can you pull up that clip you were gonna show we need to put on the cans yeah the cans for this one okay um because i feel like you have a good sense of humor and this is uh oh for

fuck's sake this no no no the one that you pulled up before he had it right um this is like this is like one of our gauges for somebody has a great sense of humor so this is like yeah am i watching you defrag your computer which is yeah i know like um okay all right volume up let's go here we go i've never seen this okay yeah yeah right they don't they don't like him very much he doesn't give a fuck they're so conflicted they're like we want to help but he's kind of a dick and he's like ah he's always just sitting on the cart when we pull the truck in cart sitting son of a bitch dain's got an awesome sense he does listen he's come on now hold on one more okay one more the lady the girl that we were going to show

remember yeah so this one i don't even know if you've seen this one this is a new uh cool girl that is like she's she's just cool so i got a thumbnail you got a thumbnail she's rad so i don't know what's going on i've i've i've i've i've seen her you have around yeah i think i've seen you're a performer so just i mean we all need attention yeah okay let's see if she what she's i do like who she's demanding i demand attention i am an attractive woman i don't understand why the only girls who seem to get attention on this website are half naked i'm gonna say it clots i'm really fucking tired of it to be fucking honest with you if i had long flowing hair if i had more traditional makeup if i had my big clities out i'm pretty sure that people would be i don't know

flocking to my cladios well hold on a second for our listeners because this is on youtube but there's also people just listening who downloaded yes can you in your own language describe a visual yeah um this woman is basically um take the joker from the batman movies and strip it way down to like maybe it's like a low a villainous day so he's just going to put on the the the basic lipstick and some hello villainous day but she also shaved just the middle of her head right which gives her kind of like um the horseshoe remember the dad on the jefferson's yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean she's got basically it's not an exaggeration yeah to say very leaning into ronald mcdonald yes right yep and and yet um i appreciate her passion yeah she's got a lot of

passion yeah she should be doing a ted talk or whatever would allow her you know whatever kind of talk ted people might not accept the pitch but wouldn't it be great if they just once were like yeah let's fucking get her let's just give her an hour let her do it let's see what she does her cladios wasn't it uh sarah silverman that was invited to one of those kinds of things maybe aol ran it okay and she went up there and she did like racial and stuff like she just did what she does yeah and they were like no like they were like this was the worst like they basically did what you're saying and then they all got mad about it oh yeah yeah okay well she was fascinating yeah but instead people just want to come here and talk shit and make fun of me and all that

bullshit but nobody wants to appreciate who i am nobody cares about who you are unless you are half naked and brain dead and i don't know pretending to like video games i feel like this is probably when we should show dr drew yeah put that in the files that's a great idea i think she has a psychological problem well yeah dang you're a single gent i mean i know you probably have a girlfriend yep two years two years oh congrats yeah uh you're not married yet would you would you consider taking her out you know she's not traditionally pretty yeah she's not traditionally pretty but she's still but that doesn't it doesn't matter you know spirited that's not creative yeah i mean listen we all at some point in our life are gonna look uh you know kind of

gross and old you know i don't mind being with somebody who's already there uh true i i feel like you definitely could not just be like i'm gonna go to bed now with her in the house no yeah no there'd be some kind of skit that she'd need to show you right she's learning the sitar and you gotta sit in her play and you better show a reaction you can't be like that's good right you gotta go no because she'll go i demand that you give me proper you gotta stand up be like that was fucking amazing oh and a lot of poetry she writes a lot of poetry oh she's full on haiku this girl i'm telling you a lot of feelings and also do you know this level of energy that she is saying this with that's how she wakes up you know i mean when you're like oh i just got up but she's

like hey did you think about and you're like jesus christ you gotta tone it down right it's seven a.m but you know what hey if she if we're gonna be honest i'd follow her because i'd love to see what else she can come up with how about this would you let her open for you uh no that is definitely she's not getting on the private plane no way all right that's good thanks man yeah thank you oh okay oh so before before we go oh this is wanted to present you these are brand new these came in today who these are invitation only shirts because our podcast is invitation only and um we'd like you to have it oh thank you so much we were invited oh this is perfect i'm painting a room this weekend yeah there you go there you go

perfect oh dairy that's great that's like my favorite stock line that i've said for so many years when oh wasn't it wasn't that the member when cds were big cds yes and then people would be like great i need a coaster everybody would just be like you know thanks man thank you very much for that i appreciate it yeah this so so people know you're on tour right now you're touring all over the place i've seen you some uh we're at some of the same venues in some some cities yeah which is cool it's been awesome some of the places are just i've never played them before so some of them are like really exciting this is the first tour for you in a minute right you haven't toured big first official like named named tour in about five years that's a that's a good time

yeah i just it was that thing we were talking about like i felt like my comedy was shifting and i just needed to put in more work to be able to feel like i could bring it out on the road well i i've seen you at the store i've peeped in on you in the main room doing your thing and i've seen the evolution i think it's just fascinating you know it's so funny and it's so great to see you grow and evolve and i'm i'm just thrilled for you it feels good yeah everyone should you know hearing that from other i don't think there's any more flattering um feedback than we get from telling each other when we're you know doing something good and it doesn't happen a lot so i appreciate that welcome oh what are you saying are you plugging this shit no i'm just going to

read through some of the dates here um read through his dates gonna be in madison milwaukee hana lulu uh verona new york nyagra falls this is dain bathlehem yeah yeah yeah people baltimore new york city radio city music hall oh cool moval natchville which i was just in last week amazing venue the rhyman orlando i love it and on and on go to daincook.com there's tons you're doing tons of shows yeah this is great good for you yep and we're adding more so private jet private check check out the area oh when's your la show uh i think the dolby at yep november no november 16th yeah wow yeah that's awesome killing it dude yeah yeah you're killing it too thanks thanks man i love it this is uh this is really exciting to be here with you

guys thank you all thank you for being here um and then are you planning on shooting during this time you are yeah we're already putting together something for maybe some october or november dates we're just trying to figure it out so we are not announcing where it is yet though right not announcing yet i just want to make sure i can get everything lined up but yeah i can't wait i've been really chomping at the bit to finally put this material down and then move on to whatever's next that's awesome yeah yeah this is a real treat man thank you for coming today and it's like it's a thrill to like hear the whole story and have you so open about it it's really fun oh cool anytime yeah thanks so much right daincook thank you buddy all right bye

uh man the fact that we weren't rolling just a moment ago really bums me out but we should uh take a quick moment to introduce uh one of our old friends in uh in stand-up comedy and i gotta say we keep getting older but this guy he looks fucking 24 look at that uh ryan stout i sleep a lot i stay out of the sun everybody Jesus me yeah great thank you and you're dating a woman with aids with aids yeah which you know you're marrying her keeps the weight off and uh yeah and she doesn't drink alcohol to manage neither one of us yeah so explain to me why explain to the audience why i would be led to think that you because she has an autoimmune disorder which are the first three letters in aids yeah but christina's decided she went there she went

there immediately yeah he said well my fiance has an autoimmune disorder she goes she has aids yeah but but time she kind of underplayed it she was like she has aids she's she's well because people have lived with aids i mean you looked you looked afraid for me yeah i wanted to know like ryan tell me about that choice yeah i was like hey i don't know i mean but people manage lives now uh huh yeah i just i take prep and uh and we just uh just avoid anal what do you i mean what did you think for a moment what is i don't think maybe she had a blood transfusion but you're like you're going it's just it's cool that yeah yeah it's cool that she has aids maybe ryan's into her it's a new no it's not like you can't love someone with aids right that's what you're inferring

that's what you're saying no i wasn't saying that i was just saying that like he was saying that maybe she didn't have aids yeah that was i was thinking like when he said she has an autoimmune disorder my mind was like she probably doesn't have aids but autoimmune disorder is what aids stands for the s is autoimmune deficiency syndrome yeah autoimmune deficiency syndrome yeah it's a bad one of all the stuff one yeah it's a pretty rough one well i i'm one of the people that believes that's fake actually oh yeah it's yeah yeah there's flat earthers and then there's us we don't believe in aids aids deniers aids deniers well basically what happened was and this is true they just started taking anybody who's hiv positive and then if you had something else wrong with you they were like

now you have aids yeah so it was it was literally like a mix and match of oh you have hiv and a cold now you have aids yeah yeah so uh a lot of aids cases yeah taking away the thunder from your lady yeah i feel like uh three of us kind of feel like fuck them right oh gosh not me is that what we're saying no it's gonna be it's gonna be a hard platform to uh to sell uh look we're gonna talk about it more but before i forget i want to make a point you have a new album out your third album third album yeah man in the suit man in the suit very exciting word you record it acme minneapolis heard of it and uh you got it uh i put a great club right i've done all my albums there all of them all of them all of them all three in there so um amazing i try to make it a point

whenever i go back to record not only because uh you know lewis lee just knows how to run that club so it's the best full it's the best and i don't necessarily have any degree of fame so i don't have any definitive fans but that's fine for me because artistically i like the idea of when somebody listens to my album they know oh ryan's performing for strangers yeah so he has to get them on his side to maintain and then close and especially on my second album like that opens up and you can tell that audience sucks yeah they are not into me at all and by the end they're they're standing yeah and i was like yeah that's that's the work everybody yeah yeah you're too that's how that's how you have to do it when you're not famous yeah and uh so i always go

back to minneapolis just because i want that you have to do it in a full room though it's really it's not that impressive when you get 12 people on your side no not to listen to it anyway yeah but but acme they mean lewis just does an amazing job yeah this is the place is incredible in yeah it's amazing the food i did my first album and acme oh yeah yeah thrilled thrilled yeah yeah i fucking love that place i fucking love it too and they have great short ribs on the menu yes yes now also christina timeout where did you do your first album because i remember asking you for a copy Cincinnati and you were like no i was not true you said you said you can't listen to it was that uh stupid uh big tip patrol which one was that

come in my face big tip but no the first album was go bananas but it's called go bananas it's called it's hard being a person that's what it's called and then the second one's man of the year uh i refuse to give it it probably just because i asked you know what um you're such a better comedian than i am you were like you don't listen you don't want to hear this garbage and i'm i'm a huge comedy fan and i like want to cherish do you want to know what here's if you don't fucking stout did to me what i'm working lol comedy club in san Antonio yeah and they go they go uh ryan stouts here and i go for what and they're like just to watch your set and i was like what why and they're like i go why and then the i go what's up what are you doing here he's

like i'm just gonna watch you said i go don't like go away yeah i'm the same way i don't i don't like he's so funny i don't want you know he writes great joe i was like i don't want you to watch this shit me too you watched it then we had uh barbecue the next day and guess what ryan has no sense of smell correct that's right i remember knowing this about you yep isn't that amazing food is fucking point what's it called again a nausea what yeah if you're hyponosmic you smell a lot if you're hyponosmic you smell a little i'm anosmic so i don't have any if you're asexual you don't have sex i don't have any yeah so nothing nothing nothing if that sense that sense is crazy yeah yeah yeah so how do you okay there's so many things that there's so many problems i mean you

don't know that you miss out on them but you miss out on them well you guys are having me talking to the fart mic right now that's right really i'm fine with it yeah i don't know why anybody else has a problem farts never affect you they're they're just an audible hilarious always but but so much of life and choosing a partner has to do with sense of smell choosing a partner yes like the pheromones you know the pheromones and you're are you saying my aides fiance states yes are you telling me you you can't smell her aides that's why you were attracted to her but it's so like tawn smell cookies i like cookies his smell and that's a huge part of attraction or eight brownies anything that's anything yeah or not being attracted to somebody smelling so the pheromones

they've actually proven that the pheromones like going into your nose and getting into your brain isn't actually smelling okay so you still have that effect it's just not i i technically still could yes i who knows if i do or not i mean there's no test for that but uh yeah i actually i ran into a girl in college and she was like oh you can't smell so you'll never fall in love and i was like crushed i'd never gotten that response from somebody before and i was like what does that mean and she started talking about the pheromones and i was like fuck i have to look this up fucking so okay so i'm running receptors whatever the pheromones effect it still can be clicked without the actual sense of smell correct yeah yeah yeah but you don't enjoy things like

pizza i still enjoy them i think a lot of smelling people don't enjoy um textures as much as i do that's like you they don't realize what a big deal it is to like have a cheeseburger that's like melty cheese and like kind of crisp lettuce and cold tomato like all that stuff like comes together and it's still an amazing experience and i think some people you know they they're picking up on other things but they're not appreciating that as much that's true that yeah like they say that um you know right when you lose a sense like a blind person sense of hearing is like heightened yeah yeah so if i have an incredible sense of humor yes so it like your comedian professional and so textures and and colors and visual stuff is short eat absolutely and also like uh sugar salt

fat all that stuff to just go straight to your brain and lights up the receptors in your brain yeah that's why fast food is so addictive because people eat it and then their brain says yeah this is good yeah and i have to avoid fast food desperately because of because the level of enjoyment my brain goes this is great just keep doing this so it's like you have an addictive thing with that yeah a little bit have you had the thing where and just in life where you know you're you open like let's say i don't know a Tupperware and you're and then someone next year's like Jesus man do you smell that i've had people walk into my apartment and go what the fuck is going on in here really they go straight to the fridge and like dude you got to throw some

of this stuff out really yeah this is probably like 10 15 years ago before i really this is when i first first started like living on my own yeah and oddly enough i had a roommate in college who couldn't smell as well what yeah we just ended up being friends and then we had one third roommate and it was actually he came home from vacation and these two idiots were just sitting on the couch like everything's fine he walks in goes what the fuck is that stink and he goes straight through a refrigerator and starts pulling stuff out and he's like guys you you need to take this stuff out of the apartment and open all the windows and we're just there in our own stench just got out it's fine i feel like there's a whole documentary i need to see about this

now does it make is there a period maybe growing up where you know you you feel self-conscious about not having anything you start going i gotta buy some cologne yeah what about b.o like how you never smell yourself well as far as like trying to fit in you don't really know that not smelling is an issue right because you've never done it before and people will look at you and say do you smell that and you say no and they think that's a perfectly fine answer yeah like nobody's questioning you nobody's calling you names but you start to wonder like there something seems off and you're just putting it together on your own and i had like i would draw up in the 80s we had scratch and sniff stickers you missed out on those i took i took an attitude like

um it was almost a cynical attitude like oh you kids are scratching and sniffing and you think you smell stuff because the adults told you it smells oh you're all fucking cheap yeah like i was a cynical five-year-old when did you realize it was really a like how do you my dad leaned over me to like help me with algebra homework i was like 13 and he leaned over me to look at the book and then he goes you fucking stink and he was offended and i went this is i i hope i don't smell like this all the time i should look into this and so i just started like showering really diligently what year how are you when i was like 13 oh and he was like jesus but then there's that thing that kids hitting puberty most of them stink anyway allegedly i don't know yeah um but i was

doing a lot of like playing basketball and things and just didn't but you're you're starting to process oh i don't actually pick up that i stink yeah yeah or anybody stinks right yeah so then what though so then you know i'm just being aware of like wearing deodorants making sure that i'm showered making sure that like i'm not running around getting sweaty before i do something important but at this point still nobody actually knows that you don't have this sense of smell correct you're just like oh i'm just not picking up on it and your whole life people people will be like oh my god did you taste this hotdog or something and you're like i guess like you just never thought you what have we missed what are we talking about right right i just assumed like well whatever you're

tasting whatever i'm tasting it's it's got to be the same it's whatever the color green is to you that's i've the green is to me who the hell knows up to this point at some point you must have been like yeah smells great like when somebody oh yeah i mean you just try to fit in as a kid sometimes you smell this again kids are smelling markers i'm like oh yeah this one smells good too and they're like yeah you got to take the cap off yeah you know you're like oh no i can smell through the cap yeah and then they're like nah and now you're in this battle that you never wanted yeah where they're trying to prove you wrong you've never enjoyed the smell of your own farts even no so what how do you fart i mean you you really push for noise you really just hope for you know

a nice a nice like ass cheek on the leather what about with your lady around because you know i don't know are you in that stage where you fart in front of each other um yeah it happens i think she enjoys it more than i do because is it a first date thing you tell her you know i mean like when you go out that i can't smell yeah it's you know it is how i would open up to like women at bars that i didn't know like when i was trying to date because instantaneously there would be questions like they would just be interested in yeah and had a conversation and then i would get to be like no no but let's not talk about me tell me about you yeah and then they felt like oh he's really interested in yeah yeah like it was the easiest it was the easiest

tits situation you're going on tell me about that yeah use some poetry yeah describe those knots it's a it's a fascinating thing right i know yeah well no wonder you're so skinny because food's not as exciting it's texture hello i know but well and and again the the sugar the salt the fat yeah like those are gonna those are gonna build up i honestly didn't put on a lot of weight i was putting on weight when i was drinking a lot and then when i stopped drinking i can eat whatever i want now and i just won't put on weight i'm actually losing weight while we're talking yeah you're so lucky yeah it's i might be sick though maybe i've got that autoimmune it's called autoimmune deficiency syndrome is that what you're talking about i think so yeah

something like that wow yeah yeah wow um so i can't smell new album man in the suit man in the suit he can't sign do you think that ryan i mean obviously i'm very happy for you that you're now engaged do you know what your wedding date set we were trying to set it for july but then i'm kind of up for this tv job that might take me out of the country yeah and so that took precedence over the wedding i was like i'd rather do this thing yeah and she went yeah i'd rather you do that too yeah it'd be a nice check nice nice job yeah yeah but we're still waiting on that um well i hope that you get that and then you can get married what in the fall winter december whatever yeah we'll get married at some point it's not a priority this but like if you were single maybe this could

be your gal right she's cute she's pretty i mean you don't get to see this a lot i like these got headphones on oh i mean this is like a instagram model type and she's just ripping farts in all her videos lighting farts is always bold and i like it but i figure you would really celebrate this girl of course i'm just enjoying it yeah okay there you go people have such interesting patreons these days yeah but see like you get is there anybody that just does this on their patreon i hope so there has to be because there's if there's fetish pornography for farting there has to be a patreon this is an easy check yeah tom have you ever i was this girl i would just be like yep it's 20 a month

have you ever let a fart have i ever let no i haven't actually i wouldn't do it bear asked for you because you're so hairy you probably light up all that yeah yeah i mean you gotta you gotta brush the forest floor yeah because that's that's tinder it's kindling yeah that's true my question is the girl who at the gym just there the guy was wearing headphones oh and yet he seemed to respond yeah the smell the smell so but that's the thing the smell you're telling me the smell traveled that quickly from her asshole to his reaction first of all no this is a bit okay so that that's what this is a bit but how dare you tom but you're saying reality videos aren't real here's what i'm saying what the fuck here's what i'm saying if if that had been a real fart that

reaction that that's within you could be beating the smell there that's fast beating the smell like the smell could be hanging out a second or two wait can i take something so stupid that my brain goes oh that guy's legs don't match his arms legs are way dark and then well one legs camouflage i was like wait a minute he's real he's real dark down there yeah i'm like oh wait a minute well for uh for people listening um it's a black man and he's wearing black legs black spandex leggings that could no way be any race i was like oh that's way too dark yeah he's totally like gosh he's so dark how come his legs are so dark why is it so dark around his eyes those are sunglasses christina that's why he's got sunglasses

on that thing on his head too that's a hat oh okay ah part but because of the leggings are so tight i was like they are guys got real dark skin that's really it's a good observation uh-huh uh-huh those girls that girl her her legs are gray what kind of race is she yeah she's got gray is she from avatar great tight island she really might have aids actually oh yeah that happens can we pull up uh stout's album cover yeah this is a let's do that uh i'm real proud of this because i came up with this cover way before i created the album that's you guys are bringing up the wrong picture yeah thanks oh gosh they really ruined the surprise yeah yeah that's the audience loves our audience is gonna love this cover for sure so here it is ryan stop man in the

suit and uh is that really you or no it's really me oh yeah so so we shot we shot this piece of microphone yeah man that's why i got in a comedy you want me to pull it out now no no please you you guys can talk it's a nice suit for a screaming you've always but had nice suits oh thank you that one's that one was uh made in hong kong and it's actually not you know a high-end suit it's this one that you throw in a suitcase to travel around the country but uh i'm glad you brought that up because that actually matters for later in the conversation really yeah yeah yeah is um who's your hong kong guy um i was there and i called tom rodes because i was like hey who's your hong kong guy yeah and he told me and it's this guy uh rocky rocky there's rocky and there's danny i went to i went to go see

rocky okay and danny's son uh got me in the hallway oh yeah and did the whole thing that you're like not supposed to fall for i was like just come in here man just come in here yeah it's all the same and i went in and then i just started working with him so you're you're the company across the hall or yeah literally down that down at hall and rocky was like the fuck man i was like fucking danny did danny he's a nice guy yeah um yeah i haven't ordered from them in a long time do they come to the us they do okay yeah because rocky comes to la probably like twice a year yes and i meet him at a hotel and they they say what do you need and i say i'm getting married i need tux and they go all right it's great nice so that's really great yeah yeah i should i should reach back do you need

a gold chain for your wedding um you know what i think i'm gonna go without oh okay feeling a little slighted but yeah it's um i'm just saying it doesn't work for me that's right yeah but you're saying i i definitely look you know white guys like me like definitely white yeah gold chain is uh not a good fashion i mean do you think it works on me or no i think it works on you okay yeah segura yeah it costs a lot she got it she got it for me for my birthday happy birthday thanks man yeah how much was it the well he turned 40 it's a thousand for every year wow wow mm-hmm it's heavy yeah yeah it's kind of heavier when you think about it in those terms is it causing your your neck to hunch is that what causes that okay yeah it's called drop

ted syndrome yeah well if we all sat up after that oh yeah start looking at your phone like this yeah yeah um so you were inspired for this album cover well i was doing this bit about wearing suits on stage because of the way everybody in the country responds just as you get on stage you're wearing a suit and tie and there's like a definitive response and that response has changed over the years that i've been wearing a suit what has changed from two so at first people were like i was just getting on stage like jeans and a gray t-shirt and people are like why is this nice young boy screaming at us like this and then i started wearing the suit and i was the same age but audiences were like well clearly he knows what he's talking about yeah um and i would never get

heckled because they were just like wow he's in charge just let him talk they're just so accustomed to that because of their jobs and whatnot they're like oh yeah the guy in the suit and tie talks to us and we just accept it wow and then around like the the housing crisis banking crisis of 2007 2008 uh people just started getting pissed i would get on stage and they'd be like no not you and i would have to like get over that hump somehow wow and then everything got back to normal and things were great until the election of 2016 and then i would get on stage and people were just like what color tie is that whose side are you on oh tell us you look like one of them pig sides just angry yeah and so and i don't do politics in my show so it didn't matter meanwhile

they're they're upset because i'm not telling them whose side i'm on it's interesting and the other place it got fucked up was like columbus ohio because i'd wear a red tie and they'd be like yeah ohio and then i'd wear a blue tie and they're like fuck michigan yeah and i was like guys this isn't this is nothing to do yeah with what you're projecting onto this it's just a fucking tie yeah so i had this thing and it was just about me wearing a suit and then i shot this this thing based on uh a very famous photo from robert maple thorp oh huge fan of his work yeah i love maple thorp yeah that's um do you want to describe the photo to listeners um so it's uh robert maple thorp's man in polyester suit and uh it's very similar to my album cover

he was very inspired do you want to um it's uh it's a man in a suit and uh his fly is down and his bbc is hanging out the front of it i love this cover i think this is very great inspirational yeah this could have been taken um in the locker room of the leger game we went yes huge fan yeah now school don't have days like that yeah that's great right now the uh what's interesting his suit came from hong kong and robert maple thorp positioned that guy's hands where they're positioned so you could see the thumb in contrast to this stitching yeah because he wanted to make fun of the guy for having such a cheap suit really yeah this is this is the artist really sliding the model really seriously yeah so he was like hold your thumb like that

he was like yeah just kind of turn a little bit he you know he's getting the lighting correctly what's fascinating about this photo too is if you actually like cut it into thirds it's amazing like where the the intersections are it's like right at the head of the penis and like where the buttons are and it's just structurally magnificent composition yeah yeah um it's quite an impressive piece too let's be honest it is pretty good resting cobra that's not even a fully that's amazing uh-huh yeah yeah that's a little fabric around the head too yeah right yeah yeah he's like oh yeah i just put that together this whole time i'm like it's it's pretty big erect and uh you know it's not even erect you want me to wake this thing up right so you can do sleeping yeah that's a play of flute

for it it'll it'll right it's about to slide off the chair you're right and speaking of erect you know if this is going to be the front of the album i had to get kind of rude with the back of the album of course nobody nobody gets a physical album anymore yeah but if you're gonna oh you should really yeah you should have both sides that is you showed them what it can do yeah yeah yeah so i have a funny question to ask you guys sorry um dude yeah that's a that's a um so were you a maple thorn family like you you i was aware of him and my my dad had studied photography a lot when i was a kid and so most of his stuff was like my dad liked outdoor stuff and architecture stuff but you know kind of instilled a curiosity

of photography in me and the arts in general so were you aware of that photo though um i was aware of it you mean before i took my photo well no no i mean obviously you were but i mean were you aware of it for a long time i was aware of it um for a few years before i created this i mean that photo is from 1980 so it was around before i was sure uh but once i created my album cover like i was done with it and so excited to show the world and hadn't recorded the album yet so i had the album art done for two years no shit i couldn't wait for people to see this joke yeah and that's which really funny is that people will look at it and they'll laugh and not realize it's a reference to any oh for sure yeah yeah they're just like yeah it's a funny penis joke yeah and i go yes it is

and then other people go oh this is brilliant yeah and i go yes it is yeah and you just gather everybody that way well i'll tell you what's not brilliant is that tommy and i actually saw the maple thorn exhibit when it was at the getty yeah a few years back lots of dongs no remember there was a shortage of dogs well there we thought it was going to be like dick central i wanted to see dick dick dick dick and it was all flowers yeah and then like two or three no there was a few dicks and they were like by the way the good digs are in the other room yeah oh they have to hide them from the children yeah yeah why are you taking your kid to see them of course i mean that's festing asses and that's one of the biggest controversies in art which was back in the

80s when maple thorp received money from the national endowment of the arts to put on a show and then the conservatives are like what if you can't put up a bunch of dicks how dare you that's that's government money to shoot dicks yep and they were pissed and the argument was like well if you don't want to see it don't come see it yeah that's a great argument easy which is it's my favorite totally totally fits with conservative philosophy of well this is on private property yeah so if you support private property that's where we put the dicks yeah if you want to see the dicks come on in you want to um kind of lick your lips come on in i'd like to see the dicks i wanted to see those we got it well when i worked at the book star in the summer of 1998

in the san fernando valley we had the maple thorp book but it was behind the cash register and you had to be 18 or above to see it and i remember sneaking back and just looking at the how was it it was great that's dicks and fisting he did a lot of like anal it was really hardcore it was very interesting he's got this one that's a portrait of the artist where he's got a bull whip coming out of his ass and now that's all yeah yeah yeah and i really was thinking do we recreate that one with a microphone cord like is that the way like do we really commit to this for album number four she needs to do a series because it would you all maple thorp stuff yeah yeah just just the microphone in different positions just you on your knees looking up and there's microphones all around

you and your yeah the microphones are pissing on me i'm in a bathtub yeah yeah i like it oh fuck yeah great beat me piss on me piss on me oh man look are you on the instagram with him yet his instagram yeah you gotta get on it you gotta see the stories he's really wilding out man piss on me beat me yeah he's uh you know we found him i i know and uh yeah it's pretty exciting man have you guys already uh talked to him show no like shared your conversation with the first conversation that the people are gonna hear will be tonight oh my god oh my god really that's so exciting thank you thank you this has been a quite earthshatter yeah well the thing that fascinates me about that guy like where my mind first went yeah pardon is uh there's there's almost

like a quid pro quo of like you could do whatever you want but you gotta fuck me yeah so you get that and then i get this you can you can come over and pour strawberry lemonade to my lps i don't give a shit but you gotta you gotta slam my hole real good yeah and it's always this welcoming that you want a doodle on my couch with sharpies do it but you gotta gotta fuck me put it put my man pussy you gotta do it he's uh his instagram lives are a whole other level are they all sexual as well yep yeah never not just an invitation come on by sometimes it doesn't start that way 2395 Wagner houses apartment 2c 124th and 1st avenue east Harlem 7189309723 yeah yeah start starts like a legal commercial hey yeah exactly looking to get your piece off he drinks his piss

oh it's for everybody slavery fantasies oh oh from his dick uh that changes it oh Jesus it's hard to watch piss champion piss champ for sure 100% put hard to watch but he is so down so into it he has uh he he mentioned how great it would be to live in the slavery days and then and he was like as a white guy or well he was like all his black guys and feel and fucking me and chain me up or like no no that wouldn't no the other way and yeah he's and he's goes on he's like no no it's my fantasy it's my fantasy yeah yeah we could just change the dates and put me in any position i want he wants it he wants any he's never not horny yeah never not every day so preoccupied with sex like i've never

seen anybody just 24 seven fuck me fuck me fuck me in and the address and phone number are in those instagram lives and when he comments on posts so if somebody was like uh you're looking pretty good today and he's like thanks and then he writes out 2395 what i'm going to see once like puts all the information so you guys got to talk to him yeah but have you ever spoken with any of the takers no that would be fascinating i think that's next yeah if people were like i decided to go over there yeah i don't know what intrigued me but i thought i should check it out well and absolutely try it out the try it out try it out yeah i'm open minded yeah and that's an invitation to anybody who does want to try it out please try it out with a try it out guy but report back

to us let us know what it was and remember safety first and you're doing this on your own there's josh potter uh-huh he's doing his own little maple thorn put the cord yeah he's got a mic in his asshole look at look at the hair look at the hair body that on top on the shoulders i gotta say he's got a he's got a nice little bot on him didn't he now is that a microphone in his asshole or is that where he put the speaker i don't know what does the cord come from the mouth mic and go around that's the plug yeah so the plug's in his asshole okay yeah yeah how did that feel that seems like it's uh i i don't remember that that issue of edge the body this tickles that oh i was in the body issue of uh espn yeah i can see that they usually they

usually do uh athletes how'd you get it uh because of my i'm a physical specimen obviously they needed to have that you are a physical specimen i've never seen hair on somebody's shoulders like this was 2015 i'm a little chubbier than i am now i think i'm kind of embarrassed about that part your chubby you're there yeah photo yeah don't you think how about that shoulder hair yeah oh my god oh yeah no no shoulders no no hair on the belly but on the shoulder yeah no there's plenty of hair on the belly it's just the lighting is yeah a little more flattering to the belly but the lighting can't even overwhelm what's on the shoulder no no no no it is vast like it's more than my head it's blowout lighting and it's still shine josh do you shave your neck uh i have to

go pretty deep yeah it looks like you go pretty deep yeah so there's this thing aids that we were talking about early we don't know what you have but we have been discussing uh sending you to the doctor you're open to this idea oh yeah for sure i mean i haven't been in a while so what was the last time you had a physical oh let's see what year is it 2019 yeah i had 2013 probably oh but wait how old are you i'm 33 oh okay i mean that's you're fine but still i i went about five six years without a physical i went to the doctor and i was terrified because i was sure they were going to be like yeah man you should have been in here getting checked out yeah and the doctor just went yeah you're fine really and i that's what i said really that's the best why is there

something wrong i said no he says yeah you're fine and the problem is the medical professionals judge on some like scale which is either you're bad or you're great yeah and they don't just if you're in between they go yeah it's fine that's fine yeah did you get labs everything run yeah yeah i want to see his labs me too do yeah i want to see if he's like i'm gonna stay on your life you know that that's my like wouldn't it be cool if they like put me in a clinic or something like yeah study me yeah i feel like i need that and then they're like why can't this guy come like that they know right away oh and you know what i learned at lunch today is that the only way josh potter can shit is if he drinks a whole red bull what a whole red bull right i mean a couple

i mean that's like six ounces bro did you have to drink two red bulls to shit pretty much two or three two or three wait and if you skip red bulls there's no brown i mean there is but it's a little bit easier coming out you know if i have a few red bulls oh my god coming out i imagine you're shooting it out yeah i'm imagining it's sliding down the side of the bull leaving the red bull logo i feel like red bull gives you shits i feel like a gastroenterologist would have a few things to say about this yeah so i think the other question is how many times you shit a good day uh just in the morning you know with two or wait so you're drinking two or three red bull in the morning yeah and then i shit like everyone else

does in the morning i think and so if you skip the red bull you just don't have the morning shit i probably wouldn't shit in the morning no you're right like it would just sit in my body yeah i don't know this is your can't remember the last time i didn't have doesn't coffee work too yeah of course well you said only red bull well i mean i don't fuck with coffee very often because it's hot and then you get all sweaty when you drink he's got a real aversion i get cold coffee yeah he does have a real aversion to he he really does because blue band was saying that he and josh potter they have to walk out of this building because these two animals are standing outside of these nice office buildings and they're smoking in front of businesses like anybody like anybody

wants to get out of their job and see these two asshole standing there smoking so they have to walk now outside of this development and uh and what was it 75 degrees yeah and and blue band was like josh potter was sweating and complaining 75 yeah i mean well it was a humid 75 you know that fair at this at the in this business district or in in three months it'll be oh my god i'm gonna i'm gonna fucking i think we just got to have a camera follow you entire day it's gonna be a real test to see how committed i am to smoking that's for sure that's true i might get me to quit it's gonna be a fucking oven outside oh yeah i'm gonna kill myself it's gonna be hotter than the cigarette do not kill yourself without us filming

you know what though to josh's whatever benefit argument here that's not a good pose for anybody for anybody the one i'm doing on here that is you don't think that's rock and roll oh my god i'm flexing though this is like how did they how did they get you to do is it your idea pose ah yeah i was did the whole staff do it were you're doing no i was the only one it was the espn body issue was out and uh this is the exact pose that gronk did oh and so i was like well shit if gronk can do it my body didn't you go to high school gronk yes that's amazing um he retired i know i'm gonna retire too i think that's awesome well after this i mean how would you be who took the photo uh my buddy mike nice was it a sensual session like did you i had to like position myself

so my for him he like stood there with his eyes closed i'm like all right my dick's hidden and he was like no it's not and then i had to readjust it you have a nice piece on you or is it like yeah i really am proud of my dick is that like a maple therp i don't know if it's a maple therp i don't know if it's gonna make cp over there drool but i think you know according to my body like when you're looking at that right there yeah you'd be impressed with my dick really yeah wow like you'd be like whoa okay because we you know we're trying to build a tour for josh just for people to take a look at his dick yeah basically yeah for them to come through and go oh look at those shoulders did we get that feedback from

the cities we're trying to get i got a couple places on the horn we're working some things out but we're gonna announce some cities soon i hope so yes that's the dream uh to make josh come to her 2020 to be come into a place near you keep it behind the cash register yeah 18 only yeah oh my god yeah please yes please we don't need any of that smoke no no no speaking of 75 degrees i know that you guys go back and forth about the thermostat yeah it's horrible um when i met my fiance i met her six days later we we took a trip together what we went to new york really it's this is like dating exponentially because we were like all right i guess if we share a hotel room and it works out we're you know that's going to beat a whole bunch of dates around la where we figure out you share a

hotel room yeah yeah yeah and we walk in and the very first thing she does is she goes uh what do you want the thermostat at and i said tell me set it up month month and we're in new york we're in new york and what month it's august oh okay no it's july it's july july in new york and yeah what's the temperature she said what am i said and it's night time yeah and she said what am i setting this at and i i feel like look this is early enough we should just be honest oh god i said 65 oh my god and you know she said god bless you really god bless you ryan stout and she said it at 65 and uh took off her pants and got in the bed wow because you know 65 you want to be cool if you i don't know if it doesn't work out you think you can introduce me to her yeah do you want aids

love it 65 that's nothing for you right or excuse me josh potter i thought of him the other day like oh my god it was 84 in the valley and i i'm like man it's like the middle of the day i'm like it feels kind of like it's clearly hot out you know i walked by the thermostat it's 74 with the heat on she's got the heat on yeah so feels good i got the heater on right now on this desk blowing and will you wear will you wear like a hoodie around the house on top of that yep uh-huh she's got a lot of she's got aids sure yeah sure sure sure yeah i do yeah yeah but you like it's so too cold too cold don't overcompensate if it's 80 outside then he'll make it 60 inside i never do that this is bullshit no it doesn't in our bedroom is you have it as 60 or 62 no i do

not 62 never y'all huh the other day you were out and i never turn it on your liar pants on it's set at 71 it's never been the 60s never upstairs never that's 71 i'm gonna go i'm gonna look at it i've lowered it to 71 okay and that's what that's when in the middle of the night i'm like wow i'm sweating through the sheets of course and i get up and i'd lower it to 70 but you know what i like i like sweating at night i feel like it's good for you to sweat i swear to god and i wake up covered in sweat oh my god that sounds terrible yeah so at night at night she is so cold she keeps it so cold and she kicks the covers off yeah she does no no i'm freezing and i am bundled up because it is so she's still cold and she's kicking the cup her thyroid might be fucked up

from the aids this one this one will fucking complain you know oh i got him out and then she i look over she's kicked the sheets off uh-huh and i'm like well she likes to sweat at night i like the sweat it's good it feels it feels great i can't believe you're alive i have aids speaking of acme comedy club there was a manager there who pointed out to me that those earbuds that everyone's wearing right now the wireless ones the air pods air pods they look like cum dripping out of people's ears okay isn't that true it's an artistic take uh yeah i don't know if i if i agree with that i've never seen cum drip out of an ear no i neither vibe but when you think about it yeah i was like oh that's out of your balls all over that come wait rub your

balls all over that yeah like that it's from a movie called ball hogs so take it from the inside of the balls put it on the outside and then it's not a movie you say it like it's a film it's a film it is yeah sniff those balls yeah sniffing yeah see look at people let me put it right up against your eye bat your eyelashes yeah but balls see see that's a texture thing i don't know about the sniffing but the eyelash sounds fun yeah yeah extra thing you don't smell but how do you know what you think there's jizz coming out yeah it looks like cum kind of falling out look at the guy out there and no not that one the upper one looks like an all right like the guy yeah looks like cum dripping out of any head what is wrong with you what is wrong with you you can come over we can

eat handicaps hot fries and then you could touch my comic book collection then just come in my ears come on try it you gotta fucking come in my ears see everyone's got cum in there at least in a key man just come in my ears try it out try it out buddy there's a deal man i like coming my ears see there's cum dripping on everybody this doesn't look like it looks like it to me it looks like a piece of plastic no i see cum i think it's too white yeah it's too white speaking of cum we're getting into that season where people talk about the trees in west hollywood that smell yeah they smell like jizz yeah i've lived here for 12 years no no idea what anybody's talking about yeah of course yeah how do you know when you've taken a really bad brown then yet you kind of need to hide

it from your spouse your fancy i i always assume they're bad i just always okay do you have a spray or something that you no not really just let it go yeah i go i'll just try to keep her on the other side of the house or something when you get out of the shower do you just do kind of a cursory towel down i'm that's good enough on to put in clothes on or do you meticulously no i towel dry a lot yeah does that matter well we just had a breakthrough earlier today that there's a lot of things i don't like about her but then i found out that this sociopath sitting next to me just discovered that you should towel off all the way she's been getting dressed without semi damp yeah she's like she goes and it feels terrible i hate it okay never adjusted never puts on puts on

socks on wet on wet feet puts pants on wet legs uh-huh she's like isn't it horrible and everyone's like yeah of course why would you do that i don't know why i didn't so it makes me think of this story i heard about i was i was talking to a friend of mine she said her her mom was like lonely and eating a lot and putting like butter on graham crap crackers and just like sitting there she would she would take a shower get out of the shower just be wearing a towel and then just like lay on the bed and have a snack in her wet towel and she's such a big woman that in the folds of her skin like mold oh my god because she would never who is this fully clean herself just this girl that i knew oh for fuck's sake and her mom would never fully bathe and then she'd never fully dry

so then she would stink because the mold stinks okay do i stink so so let's let no no mold i don't have rolls though like that yeah yeah yeah damn homie that's rough that's nasty huh well and i can't smell but when you say there's mold on a human yeah i go i don't want to do that i don't want to do that i don't want to do any oh i don't even like perfume which my fiance loves because she's like i don't have to i don't have to buy any perfume and i'm like yeah and i don't have to taste that shit be great right so she did she goes perfumeless now nothing yeah yeah of course that's so great it's pretty good doesn't have to shower a lot probably i prefer i prefer that she does yeah just because uh you know most people that i meet and i tell them i can't smell you know the the people

who are not comedians they always go for the easiest joke and they always go you can't smell i know some women who would like to meet you yeah and i go uh no thanks yeah where where are you meeting all the smelly women yeah and uh and they they just think it's the funniest thing in the world but they don't realize like you know i i'm an adult i've i've gone down on women where it clearly wasn't the best and the maintenance was it's still it's still a tangy error like if you're if you're with somebody and you like work your way down south and you catch a whiff of something you can kind of go now i'm going to kiss my kiss the thigh and like work my way out like you have a turning back point wait but you can't smell it i can't smell it but i can taste it

i can taste it i can taste when something's tangy taste the tang oh got you yeah yeah so there's no there's no red flag for me i don't have that smell privilege smell of knowing like oh turn away it's not like i can be down there going what are all these fruit flies yeah you smell that fish factory oh my god no idea you're thin you and your thin privilege and your smell privilege i've gone down i've gone down on some questionable some mingers oh yeah definitely who had the mingliest box it was uh i was in college and it was just like first of all she had such a big bush man really near as this yeah it looked like a pair of nuts in her panties yeah and then it was this in north carolina is this in florida yeah and then it was just like hanging out of the sides

and what was hanging out her hair no hair hair so much hair so much area and then did you shave her legs yeah okay yeah but just so then it's just like josh's shoulder in your yeah your face yeah josh's shoulder and then that thing had like it just had some sour tang to it you know smelled like just uh what are those like candy strips you know has the sugar on it the sour patch i fucking love those oh the yeah what are those yeah it's like that but it's like a woman's pussy though okay so it's like two belts creating like a yeah and i was just like you're like this doesn't taste good and then i was like i'm still eating anyways well i hate to break it to you guys but sweaty balls ain't no treaty no i bet yeah absolutely we are agreeing with you yeah you don't even know

like the joy of running this part of your thumb along the edge and then being like oh wow that stinks you know that's such a fun move you know god my balls stink especially like right before you step in the shower you start going back and forth god and you go back for more and then you're like can't believe how much it smells yeah can't even fathom no even fathom why somebody would yeah i know just kind of twine with yourself just trying to see what smells or like scratch your piss like god oh my god so much stink i do get it like a physical feeling like if i feel like oh i think i might stink right now right it's just a genuine feeling yeah but it's like an all over my body kind of thing like i should probably shower just to be safe you feel kind of greasy yeah yeah that's like

how amazing like the human mind is though right like that you you still are alerting yourself that something's up you know i'm still thinking about you running fingers again see that there's this is that's fine i learned something new about you every oh yeah often 15 years together i didn't know that that was i'm so surprised that he was so specific about the part of the finger yeah he was like this part of the finger you had to use that part and just really get in there no okay yeah yeah yeah now what would happen if you switch the finger time i don't know it's like it's basically i feel like that part of the thumb was made for you to sniff your balls right well because you're not using it for anything else right it's the outside i'm so done after those conversations i mean you

can you know you can obviously go like this but i feel like it's made for that crevice that crotch line now since i have no no focal point of anybody smelling themselves it does seem like individuals are obsessed with their own scent yeah you talk about smelling your own farts yeah like you want to know what what are the smells coming out of me but you're married and you don't like check on each other smells no i did i did hold on hold on all right we had a little technical problem there but we're all resolved and we're back all right good so you thank god finally everyone yeah i know finally a guest is doing it you know i took voice lessons in college yeah the best part is it really taught me how to open up my throat yeah really like really you let those how do you do

it what do you do so i what i learned was see like my this is my throat closed but if you open it oh yeah you can actually like open your throat and when you sing when you sing you have to it has to be open because if you have like a closed throat it'll be different and since that since that one voice class my burps have been superior yeah you really just yeah wait so back to our discussion at hand though you asked if tom and i smell each other yeah now yesterday you came back from a workout remember you gone for four hours at a time and i and you go oh i'm i stink remember you were cooking yeah i could smell myself and i wanted to smell you and i said let me smell and i smelled i didn't smell anything under your arms you smelled like old spice you smelled

really good no i did not and so you just had the feeling that you stung no no i could smell it okay i was at the gym then i worked out then i went to the grocery store and i remember walking through the growth and you know when you stop like i go hey do you know where the whatever is i did it and i got a whiff of myself i was like that's already like kicking right there yeah yeah and so when i got the person you were talking to like yeah they were like fell back they're like they're like you're disgusting yeah you're fucking homeless piece of shit and then i got home i'm cooking and she's like oh you know but she's just being nice no i didn't smell your armpits i want to i never have really maybe you never know twice yeah ever yeah it's really weird i'm a girl never

smelled bo even with the mold not even with the fat zero my fat rolled just got chips and stuff laying on her skin but like from snow but she never smells i wish but yeah you never have to worry about that obviously smelling somebody has your fiance ever been like hey you're kind of ripe i love when she tells me really love it because how would i know that that's what i'm saying you know kevin shea kevin shea from like the day one we started a comedy together in the bay area he would always be quick to go stout your breath stinks here have some gum wow and he was just really open and honest and straightforward with me and i i can't appreciate that enough like you're literally helping a disabled person now i feel like helping a lot of disabled breath people

yeah talk to people all the time and you're like jesus christ do you know how do you not know yeah do you have this thing and i i ask a lot of people too you know breath okay yeah are you sure and they go yeah it's fine stop asking yeah but you know it's just me being self-conscious yeah no because never going to sniff his balls it's sad now let me tell you this story because this is something that involves you toncigura yeah and it's christina i had told you the first half of this story years ago at flappers okay but the story continued okay i was out for a jog and this car pulls up and i should i'm not going to preface this with anything car pulls up and i go oh it's my buddy tom and i wave and i smile and i run around to the passenger side

because i don't want to stand in the middle of the street and the the windows down and i reach my arm into the car and i'm like coming through the window at this guy and i go hey buddy how are you and i grab the guy's hand and and i make eye contact i go oh that's not fucking tom and we live in la so this guy he's he's an la person he's a liar and he just goes hey buddy how are you oh my god and i go oh good to see you he goes what was your name again and i decide i'll just this is an easy way out oh it's ryan good to see you yeah yeah we'll see you around and then i pull my hand out of the car i pull my body out of the car and i continue running away which seems normal because i'm on a jog now that was weird it's shameful like ah that was a weird

do you think it's me i thought it was you turned out no no stop me yeah yeah so um then probably about three weeks later i'm just walking in my neighborhood same black mercedes pulls up and the guy goes ryan oh my god hey oh shit now i don't want to have to explain to this guy that number one i don't know his name oh um that i was wrong and that i had mistaken him for somebody else so i look at this nice person who's just trying to make friends and i literally just go yeah man i've never seen you before in my life you say that to him i just out of shame just out of like i don't want to have to backtrack through this and explain what the fuck i was doing and you know what he does because he's nice and polite he goes what was your name oh so now i have to lie to

this guy just to protect myself and i you gave him a real name the first time i gave him a real name the first time and now he's trying to make friends but i don't know his name so it's just like a cluster fuck so i'm just panicking and i go chris my name's chris and he goes all right well good to meet you this is so easy for him yeah and uh he he drives away and i think okay great that's done with and that was the story i told you this goes on yeah first of all i got to say i love that my doppelgangers and abends go ahead yeah yeah yeah and uh and he pulled up i was like i heard tom was doing well but jesus okay all right if he wants to roll that way um i'm walking down melrose and uh it's a little like cafe uh situation and i just see this body lean back in one of the

chairs and look my direction and raise a hand no and this guy goes chris no chris dude and i immediately just start shaking my head no and i put my arms out and i'm just i just want to come clean and i just as i'm approaching him i'm like 15 20 feet away and i'm walking i'm like man i'm sorry my name's ryan and the first time we met i thought you were somebody somebody else and i started explaining it and then his eyes moved just a little bit and i go oh now he's looking at me and then he just continues like he looks past me again and goes chris and i'm just i i don't know what to do in this in this situation so i just keep explaining yeah man i thought i thought you were tom so i reached into the car and i'm just talking to myself at this

point oh and as i walk past him i realized like well that's the first time i i did i saw the guy where he wasn't in the mercedes maybe that's not even the same fucking guy oh maybe that's a different guy and so i'm just going through this whole thing in my own neighborhood running into people from this one instance where i thought it was you i gotta say just shame at the on the streets that was you that was me that's the way that bit supposed chris chris right yeah tom didn't do that's unbelievable oh my god yeah you know have you ever done the thing where i okay i got one time i got on a flight to new york it was super early in the morning and there is another comic on the flight and i know this person but it was so early we were

both tired and we both did the game of like you know we both i'm i'm sitting down on the plane i see this person come through and we both mutually agree to be like uh you just see it like i'm not even gonna say hi yeah no acknowledgement we gave each other no acknowledgement and it was a fine time to get off the plane in new york same moment happens we could say hi we choose not to now it's gotten awkward because we both because it's not the morning anymore it's not the morning we should have said hi at that point but i let it go i'm like yeah fuck it we both were kind of guilty here now i'm going back to la we're both on the same fucking flight home okay now it's go time what do we do now like we've avoided each other yeah and i have no beef with this person right

i've no i would invite them on to this podcast let's say okay okay but and then we fucking make i contact as we're boarding this plane again and now we don't say any you didn't do it a third time a third motherfucker you gotta tell me who this is yeah i will on off air i would i would be the first one to uh break the silence and i would blame them i'd be like oh you're not gonna say hi again i didn't know what to do at this point dude you ever see a stranger and you're flying to fucking you know cleveland on a flight like you just notice the person and then on your flight home you see them again you're like hey yeah and you think we flew to cleveland totally and they're like leaving together now man okay i don't know you and then we're both flying back now on the same

flight come on yeah it's kismet right yeah we're living in the same universe together yeah this must be there must be a reason for this and they're like no we booked the same flight may you see them on the bag frame and you're like we both got bags but it's so exciting yeah i like that i started to worry that uh i've had this problem my whole life that i'm not good with faces and a lot of people say that but i'm really bad with it and i looked it up and it's called prosopagnosia like when you don't recognize and it's not like an all or nothing situation like some people are great with faces but some people have it really bad where they like if they run into their parents it'll take them a minute to like they'll have to hear their parents talk and they go oh that's

my dad okay good like they have it awful but uh i've always been just terrible like when i meet comics on the road and we have a great week together i always tell them look we're gonna run into each other again in la or new york i'm not gonna recognize you out of context just tell me your name and i will i will remember everything about you all remember that you were going to college that you were studying this i'll remember that thing with your sister i'll remember all the stories and comics tell me all the time wow you have a great memory yeah but i don't remember your goddamn face yeah so um with the whole situation in my neighborhood with thinking it's tom and then not even remembering what the other fucking guy looks like

and then the guy on melrose barely even looked like tom so that's definitely a different guy right at all chris you're like i'm not chris i hate the fucking talking about right uh but when i moved to la i remember i went to this party and i met this girl like in the kitchen at this party and literally like three minutes later i'm in a different room and she's in the other room and somebody goes oh if you two met and i go hi i'm ryan and she just met me and she just she just puts her hand out to shake my hand and she's like okay but doesn't say her name and what's weird is like at this party there were a lot of white people she was asian so like that's the thing like racist will say all asians look the same for me the same asian doesn't even

look the same right like i'm i'm not even i'm mistaking people from moments from moment to moment so i'm wondering if i have this thing and it's developmental like you can get worse with the age you can get worse with it yeah so i'm a little worried i don't feel like you i remember people remember i like we go to parties and i'll be like that's rick and that's when they they work here and i work and you're like how do you fucking know these people yeah you have a you have a great memory for details and stories and what we did with this and that i i remember faces but not names on the opposite of you i'll never forget your face but i might forget your name she'll walk out to people at a party she'll be like jew right yeah yeah and she'll be like

yeah that's what i thought yeah and she walked i could tell i could tell from across the room yeah i definitely it's like hey baby that's not the best policy for this business anyway you know my fiance's a jew oh yeah don't introduce them yeah yeah but you're totally going on yeah are you is uh is she gonna convert any are you gonna are you religious doesn't matter we had we had talked about it a little bit and uh i basically said yeah i i i don't care you were raised what catholic oh no i was raised i was presbyterian until i was eight and then they like fired the pastor like the congregation decided we don't want this guy anymore and my mom is a vindictive person and she liked the pastor so she said well fuck it we're never

going to church again and my brother and i were like great that sounds awesome and so we never went back to church and that's the best day of your life yeah we just watched wrestling on sunday mornings it was amazing slept in i didn't get that but i did get the the point in my adult life where i went to visit my parents and it was sunday and they the day where they stopped doing the guilt trip like when they were just like uh we'll see you after church though we're just gonna you know head out and we'll see you later on for lunch and i was like okay and then they came home and they didn't mention it i was like this is the best day of my life they're not mentioning it is huge like my my dad's family they still go to church and my aunt one time my brother and i were

visiting and we did not attend church and she got back and i was getting out of the shower and she was like oh you look clean on the outside what a bitch i was like yeah it feels good yeah it feels good feels great took 10 minutes didn't have to scrub on the inside it's so weird that people believe in a mythical man in the sky yeah keeps track of your shit so what we were worried about with the fiance was uh if we have kids right she wants the kids to be raised jewish she would like that because that's how she was raised you know just traditions and stuff and i was like yeah that's fine no problem well yeah doesn't only the mother matters right well then my therapist was like hey buddy slow down on that and i said why he said because your kids are gonna gravitate

to whatever parent believes what they believe and so you could cause a rift with your children if you believe something completely different or not at all and they're just gonna constantly like side with your your wife and i was like oh shit i don't want that so now what what does that mean you got to do we're not gonna have kids oh great problems all that is a great problem so well now we might we might but the other thing was growing up she always thought she would marry a jewish guy and then she compromised and said i like ryan i think i'll go with him yeah and so that feels nice too sure so you don't you yeah are you sorry considering converting to judy's i know you know i wouldn't i i wouldn't rule it out but uh you know my heart's not going

to be in it it's just going to be like an on paper type thing i do love the jews i've always felt jewish on the inside yeah i like how were you raised well roman catholic by tradition but not really religious but i grew up in a jewish neighborhood so i don't know i grew up around jews i like them yeah i grew up around catholics yeah i'll pass out texas a lot of catholics yeah i'm over them yeah you're done yeah my mom was raised catholic i mean is this guy at you well i bet your fiance would have kids if she were with my man right here why don't we get a little taste of this guy with your booty in your kid but i'm gonna put my hand in it and i'm gonna smell it i remember him i remember i see this is our second time with this guy yeah same video

no no no a different video this guy's putting out new content that's what was excited about is it his content or is it somebody in his neighborhood who's like you know that first video it went so that first video was fired let's get him on the horn again he always has a like a really cool sexual message like what's he say right here one love you think it's a game right i ain't gonna play with you my baby i'm gonna put my hand in your kitty cake we got it in your face and i'm gonna do it i gotta smell it okay see that's something ryan can't do yeah yeah he seems to enjoy it but he seems to and i'm jealous yeah he seems to like your method of self smelling do you think he does that to his own nuts oh for sure he does it to his nuts but he also will do it to your kitty cat he doesn't

just do the thumb no hold the whole hand in your kitty cat the glove holds the smells nice too i don't know a lot about smells but i will say this he probably uses one hand for him and then one hand for her for her and then alternates can you pull up his really just yeah like this is how we first got to know him smell smell the smell smell smell smell i like the one hand per customer first time that we met this cool guy this is how we first met him he has a lot of the same does he have more teeth than this one no all real cool guy yeah cool all your beautiful women yeah you feel me this let me eat you one time this let me eat you one time and you're gonna i guarantee

you're gonna you're gonna ask me to stay to your house you're gonna you're gonna sleep for three days my baby yeah yeah i'd like to sleep i can show you what time it is show never tell you got a man up above i could cook for you clean up your house oh you heard me listen when you come home baby you just gotta jump in jump jump in the tub with all the bubbles see it's really because he likes that smell but he's also like yeah he wants it clean yeah yeah i like the smell but with potpourri yeah it's too bad he's not into guys i feel like he yeah we'd give we'd give him a try it out guy yeah because he likes to clean he likes to cook and he'd be a nice match yeah no he's definitely not a good match nice guy he seems wild they're disparate opposites yeah robert would be

pretty i say that word i don't know disparate no i'm i'm genuinely asking because i've only ever read that word and i think no one's ever said it out loud disparate disparate i believe you i'm literate yeah you're like ivy league shit right no into a good college no you want to know something i might be graduated from college this month seriously it might be i i graduated from high school in the year 2000 and then i went to school and i was doing stand up and my last semester of college like things took off for my career and i ended up just leaving school moving to LA i had like two classes left ryan please it's a good one there's a good one it sounded round just like a little i'll tell you something did it register like pool pool ball size it doesn't

fucking smell it didn't register i think it was off when you farted you we heard it on your i mean the the fart was so loud you heard it on tom's you didn't turn the mic on i did turn it on he's saying that i'm before i went there it was pretty muffled maybe it was you tested out it smells pretty bad see i don't understand how smells stick around either i don't understand how like it can like stay on the mic right now inside of me there's some problems going on i think we had it i think we got poob and you gotta fix this asap this is the most important element this is a cornerstone of the show god damn it you're you're gonna shit huh no no no i'm not gonna shit but you've got problems there's some problems chipotle um wait wait tell me what did you have for chipotle hold on i had the

chicken bowl yeah yeah i love all the times that you have announced like oh and then tom did this and he had to shit of course and it's it reminds me of when i look at my puppy and i go oh he's got to go out yeah like you could just you just pick up on some facial tics yeah he's got a shit creature yeah he's got gas or he's got something i'm fine yeah it's not okay i am gonna shit after this interview i'm not um wait why are you gonna graduate this year um i just ended up uh i had like a class left and then and i was done and where was this where were you at school san francisco and i just ended up uh down here in la doing comedy and television and 13 years past and i was like ah maybe i should finish that class no oh my god so this this year i decided well we'll release

the new album and then we'll finish the class and then maybe we'll get married later this year and you'll get the 2019 big yeah that's a big year do you get the degree from your school yeah well yeah was it usf state or no sf state no i went to the lazy school i wanted to go to the school where i could do stand-up every single night and still maintain like a 3.5 and that's exactly what i did good for you yeah good for you man good plan but it's not going to do anything for me having the little certificate no it's a sense of completion did you graduate i did i went to osf oh you went to you i know you went to the good school but i did not go just doing stand-up and i should have done stand-up at night i wish i would have started back then yeah what year were you

there uh i started in 94 i graduated at usf okay yeah and then you went to college north marilina which you study uh the very difficult track of communications and you feel like it's paid off you feel like oh yeah no no no but like just using the knowledge and i mean there's a there's very little that i did i mean it was the right track for me like that's what i should have done yeah you know it would i had the within communications you can do the print you know you can do i did like tv radio production which was the focus of it sure the place looked a lot like this yeah and um i mean i don't really apply what i learned there but it was still yeah it was all the other classes that i was forced to take like anthropology and genetics and all

sorts of other weird stuff like you know i took the art history course and i was forced to take these classes so i would sit there and listen and it just gave me like a deeper appreciation for all sorts of things around me yeah and i was always glad that i did it yeah i i love i love college i don't know yes it's expensive if you can afford it if your parents are helping you whatever just fucking go it's four years to learn about cool shit you're the idea of skipping college now it does like well so i'm like dude go if you can afford it i'm actually go i actually believe that if you hated school like throughout high school and elementary school do not go to college really you should absolutely like if you never liked sitting in a classroom learning you should

get into a job immediately after high school stick with that job for four years and then like show companies like look i can commit to four years of something and then just immediately start investing in like an IRA or something like that because the problem with college is you do get a job afterward that pays you more but it doesn't pay you enough more depending on what you invested like you're only getting like 10 back but if you can get a job and put money away and start like working the stock market a little bit you're going to come out way ahead and if you're somebody who hated school anyway you can be on top of the world that's what my little brother did he was a shitbag in school his entire life just hated it and we'd get calls all the time Kevin set an

art table on fire come get him and sure enough my parents are in the principal's office but my little brother graduated from high school a year early because they just said hey you need these credits and then you can just go and so he did that and in texas when you graduate a year early you immediately get to go to any state school so my little brother immediately got into i think he went to san antonio and just immediately started playing like texas hold them in illegal card houses like not going to class just playing cards kids everybody's like hey this kid's only 16 let's get him really fucked up and drunk and my brother was like yeah that's great yeah or even trade how do you do now he started working in a restaurant situation because even when he was playing cards

he had like a Rockefeller style ledger and like kept his numbers pristine oh it was like this is what i gambled with this is what i spent on deodorant this is what i spent on food and he was like all right so this is what i can gamble with today and here here's what i want he just had everything set up so when he got into the restaurant industry they were like oh this kid knows his numbers and he just started killing it in that business and now he does finance for like a home building company oh yeah he just stayed with numbers it's fine look i mean it's not for everybody so obviously and it doesn't it's not necessarily an indicator of your ability to succeed in life right but it's a great four years of getting high and reading cool books if you can

afford it if you're curious about shit absolutely yeah find out what's out there i know it's a good time what do you got there jeans i got this right after this um so uh first of all i want to say that you were invited and we have a policy on this show ryan's doubt was invited to your mom's thank you everybody yeah this is a an invitation only show so you have the invitation only shirt oh i'm gonna wear that you could please pass this along this is for you invitation should i take this shirt off like like your friend or you want man like your friend you belt belt crusher what's his name uh oh brent crystals uh huh yeah oh look at that oh wow invitation only invited ryan was invited i just had to buy tom ribs yeah that's all it took um the third album man in the

suit is out now they're playing it all the time on serious xm you should go and download it on itunes or wherever you stream or purchase music um ryan also are you doing dates right now um you know what my website crashed and so that's not updated but uh i'll be at the comedy store may fifth and then i'll be at the stir crazy comedy club in glendale arizona may 16 through 20 it's in there someplace okay stir crazy comedy dot com or whatever it is you'll find me it's outside phoenix so if you're in phoenix come say hi go say hi go see ryan is a hilarious great comedian so funny um thanks guys i'm smart i'm glad we did this it's been a long time yeah that's all you man yeah i love you guys yeah and congrats on your soon to be marriage thank you yes yeah i didn't

by the way this is the only time i've ever been with both of you in the same room did you know that how funny like we flew on a plane together we were in san antonio together and then yeah at comedy clubs and things i'm just never with both of you yeah it's true that's true though i kept you separate in my mind yeah but this works well i'm okay with this oh good yeah i mean ever since kids too we definitely never anywhere at the same time so for here yeah that's it yeah so i'll meet the kids next yep we'll see ryan stout thank you very much for coming by the way to meet the kids yes we love you we love you love you licey don't stop they're for those loads christine that don't stop don't stop個

it was enverse it was f***g clap when i took my dick out you went thanks for stopping by thanks for stopping him lol was for those loads christine that don't stop christina though that was for those loads christine that don't stop don't stop christine was for those loads christine that don't stop christine that don't stop was for those loads christine that don't stop don't stop christine and it was endless it was f***ing endless when i took my dick out you went thanks for stopping by thanks for stopping by

dont stop christine dont stop christine and it was endless it was f***ing endless and when i took my dick out of you i f***ed up dont stop christine dont stop christine