Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 531-Craig Ferguson-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 26, 2019

TRY IT OUT! We have a special episode for you today! The main mommies start by off talking about the current YouTube war. Did McDonald's flag us? We hear Dr. Phil's take on VSCO girls. They talk about the YMH Studios holiday party at the Magic Castle, and discuss which cool guy each member of the YMH staff is. Craig Ferguson is a comedian, actor, and former host of the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. He's in Studio Jeans today with Tom and Christina. Craig and Tom discuss planes and Tom makes Craig aware of his plane aspirations. Craig talks getting into a motorcycle accident, acting while directing, Mick Jagger, Madonna, and his new stand-up special. Craig then takes a look at a bunch of our favorite cool videos including FedSmoker's DIY tutorials, RPC's invitation, and a construction worker who enjoys baby play.

All right, welcome to another episode of your mom's house there's a number of Conspiracies building, so I'm wearing my conspiracy glasses right now. What what are you talking about? Just to keep out the YouTube You know algorithm going sideways. Yeah They're on us. They are on to us. We're gonna get into it because it's pretty serious actually And I don't I don't know where they are, so I'm trying to keep my eye on them

Trying to blue block out all those haters so you can't see where I'm looking right now. Can you but I can't I'm looking at you YouTube Huh you see me How much do you really enjoy those though? These are awesome. I bet they look good, too. They look hot AF. Mm-hmm Can I try them on over my regular glasses? I'd really rather not disturb what's going on right now It's kind of perfect. Can I please that's what they're for you put them on over your regular glass Yeah, but right now they're just you know, I mean they're it's like a glove Everything's so much crisper and clearer. Oh, yeah I'm thinking better

Feel healthier You look really good. Do I look good? So cool Who I mean you have to be mentally ill to wear these for real, right? Like this is the this is the glasses What do you mean because the only people that wear those are like the guy in Starbucks that talks to himself I feel like I have a mask on they're so big But they give full coverage They give you full coverage and also no one can sneak on your eyes to see where you're looking

I can't see it. You know where I'm looking right now. Yeah, you're looking here I can see the whites you're a little can I try them on now God you're ruining my fun. Please. I'll give it right back I just want to see if they fit over my right My eyes hurt, let's see if the glare is cut down. Oh, this is heaven on earth. Yeah, it does make you feel safe They look like they were made for you You look just like the crazy fucking people I see on the bus stops dude, do you know how one of these? My mom one of those. Yeah She was not well on the head

She was writing letters to dogs towards the end of her life nuts. Yeah, my mom did have these actually in the 80s But they feel so good. They do get why people do this. Yeah, they feel good. Yeah, I'm sorry. I shouldn't take them away So bright. I don't even know what's happening in here They feel good pleasure a little hungover Yeah Should we just play our clip and get into everything yeah, yeah, we got a lot to go over opening clip very important news Breaking news from the president everybody people are flushing toilets 10 times 15 times as opposed to once They end up using more water

Looking at that very strongly at my suggestion Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura Christina I Look smart listen Can you get them in other colors? Yeah, I have yellow pear For safety yeah, I have a yellow pear on my nightstand this in case there's a noise at night I'll put them on I go look at it with my safety

Hey, there's a war going on right now, I heard it's it's happening on this very YouTube channel If you listen to the show boy, you know, you don't probably pick up on this, but if you're a YouTube viewer of this show Have you noticed that? the last few episodes This is where I this is how I started to pick up on this, okay, so episode 528 a few weeks ago It was a solo episode you and I and it had in a Very notably low view count in a day in a day or two. So I hit up Nadav

I was like, what's going on? And I said, oh this episode got flagged So what happens is a lot of views are generated from the algorithm of you should watch, right? There's subscribers, but people view videos and then you know if you've ever perused YouTube It's like hey if you saw this you might like this and that's how a lot of people end up watching the show sometimes 30 40% Of the views come from that. Well, I can't take you seriously. Well, this is important. I got to keep my glasses on while I'm doing this Okay, this is the only way I'm feel comfortable talking about this so

Oh Okay, sorry What happens is the episode got flagged so then it reduces the amount that that gets put into the algorithm Mm-hmm in the you should watch right? So it happened again on the next episode. I'm like, what's going on? What is going on? What is going on? What do you know what's going on blue band? So you know, it's It's getting to the point where they're trying to make YouTube a safe space for kids

Okay, so what they're doing is trying to make sure because a lot of advertisers they pull out if kids You know They pull out if they're like oh kids are being taken advantage of or they're being marketed to which you know You can't really do that stuff So YouTube is now trying to please their advertisers by making YouTube a safe space for kids Well, what about those unboxing videos that children do of toys? Isn't that advertising to kids? If it's a an hour video of unboxing toys. Yeah, I mean There's loopholes. There's exceptions to the rules

But now I mean this episode will be coming out So that this isn't really news at this point, but within the last 24 hours YouTube just unveiled that they're banning malicious insults towards people's Race gender and sexual orientation, which is I don't know if you guys know this the majority of the show So this is basically the end of this pot. Yeah, yeah cancel your mom's house. Oh, no, I mean it really is a bummer though Yeah, yeah, it's like it's and I mean I get it, you know, let's you know protect the children, right? But YouTube is not really a platform for children

Like they're making all this thing where they're saying like you need to now flag your channel Whether it like if the videos are for kids or if they're not for kids Okay, there's all sorts of stuff that you now need to specify But who this content is safe. Why is it never just the parents responsibility to monitor what their children do? I don't know like why isn't that up to and I don't know unlike this new there's new rules Right because obviously I also felt like one of the episodes could have been flagged by McDonald's Because you never know how far their corporate arm reaches, you know, because we had we talked about Some McDonald's stuff on a previous episode. So I'm just saying that could have been one of the things that got us flagged

But now you're saying They're gonna they're gonna come down on people making fun of gender Pronoun any anything related to the whole topic could get you in trouble. Yep talking about any kind of fetish Talking about any type of sexual encounter. Why can't you talk about a fetish? Because it's all sex stuff and you know the kids might see it and it might awaken something in them Too young of an age. Sure. Okay So really troubling time our pussy's itch. No kidding. Oh, we just got demonetized

No, the children. What about the What about the children, you know, I remember this was big in the 80s remember when like tipper gore Was going against the the heavy metal bands and the rap Rippity rappers they're rapping about black things. It's terrible. Yeah, they used to get really upset This is this is a remix. This is a remix of Reagan era. I mean, this does feel nuts, man It is not a comedy show They're flagging our like a show full of jokes because they're like, oh

Someone might not like it. And what if they What if they haven't decided how what fluid gender pronoun they are today and then they're like, oh, don't make fun I'm not making fun of it But I'm just saying but this isn't a comment about it. You can't make a comment You can't joking is now off the table and and it's not a children's platform youtube As far as I know, I didn't think it was specifically for children. No, it's not for children Oh Stupid

Okay. No, yeah, I mean like what are we gonna do? So what are we gonna do? What does the show even look like? Yeah, we're gonna talk about youtube. So are we gonna end up having to do Basically a show where we get to release the show on audio as is and then we make a Like a youtube friendly version That's nine minutes long Yeah, like a way lammer version of the show like a like it's for cable access tv Where you need to bleep every word take out any sex scenes and all that I thought we did a really good job with blurring everything that we show, you know

Yeah, I thought so even when like that feel so good like I was fucking that mcribb, you know Yeah, that was really yeah, we cut out at the exact frame so that you do not see any donk But you know, I guess it's not enough even just talking about fucking a mcribb Even talking about fucking any kind of food that's a fetish I mean, I'm sorry. I just got a little Apprehensive when I heard you say the f word a moment ago. Oh, yeah, sorry If if you're a parent watching with your kid, please put on earmuffs or muted or something I mean, but don't you think kids talk about fucking mcribbs amongst themselves all the time

It's like when you do military gigs and they're like don't talk about politics Don't talk about sex like what do you think this these soldiers are talking about in the trenches? I remember when I did the recipes I did that pearl harbor military show and they were like Don't make fun of the military We were like, okay And then a couple other rules and the first thing we did was break all those rules because of course that was fun That's the fun part of comedy. Yeah Well, I mean

Look, we can't stop doing the show. We I think we might have to let's try right now. Let's try to do a youtube friendly show Let's try for a few minutes Crap I welcome to your mom. Of course. That's that's definitely friendly. Welcome to your mom's house Uh, let's watch video. It's fun. I've been seeing some words In my comments that I need to ask you all about so, um, I love him visco girl I don't know if it's vsco girl or visco girl or

skis skis skis No idea what the hell that is What do you think it is? I don't know. I know the answers go ahead Okay, visco girl. It's vsco and that's for the visco app that can make you look better And it's the visco girls have hydro flasks and they believe in eco friendly things and they go I'm talking do you mind? Sorry, why do they go? And and oh, okay, and I sks because there's this video a viral video of a of a of a man A transgender man and he sat on his nuts one time and he went and I oop

You want to take that again christina? Yeah, we're taking it from the top. Well, that's just the truth and it was on youtube It was on youtube. No, no, you failed. Oh man okay, so visco girl Is they go and I oop and sks and the oop was from a Was from a person but they and they sat on their testicles Can we say that? Sure I don't think there's anything wrong. I mean, there's not sexual preferences involved in that

Yeah, a person sat on their testicles. I think that's safe. We're good to go with that one guys a gender neutral a person of non-disclosed gender right So a visco girl they wear scrunchies in their hair and they have hydro flasks and they they make those sounds And I heard there's a goth visco girl now a goth trend and I don't know what those are called so far I'm really digging this new format Um What do you eat in a healthy diet? What are you? How do you stay healthy salads and you gotta get your egg whites?

You know, we maybe we should talk about what we like about each other positivity sure Oh, we can talk about how I accidentally trimmed my beard I was the best Well, let's let's back it up a little bit. We had a company party last night studio jeans. That's right studio jeans Christmas party. Oh, excuse me holiday party Uh 2019 way to go. Look at him. Look at us. Look how big my left boob is there Y'all dressed up real fancy eating any alive

Yep We got all dressed up to go to the magic castle. Yeah, and if you're looking if you're watching that's uh yours truly christinza any nadav chris and ali and um potter couldn't make it. He has a stomach flu. Yeah, he had stomach flu He got it from an AIDS patient, so um Disparaging comments. Can't do that. Why can't you do that? I don't think you could say that he got it from an AIDS patient. Just you know what but he did Got it from a person a person who has AIDS very sick person

Okay, he got sick from a sick person. Is that AIDS shaming to disclose somebody's health status? Would it name Karla How do you know they They I know that they have it because josh told me think I made a big mistake I don't know what happened. He said Karla Karla Karla 24 seven the lady that lives in the gutter. All right, so we were okay, so yesterday very busy day and uh Made time to go to the gym And before we had our big night out so I go to the gym come home

You're like, hey, you got to get ready. I was like, all right, so I'm about to jump in the shower. I was like, I should just trim up like clean up my beard And you know when you're kind of spent like you start when you're tired after the gym You're like you might not pay as close of attention to what you're doing because you're you know, you're tired So I was like, all right. I see the clippers I swear That I see the number two guard. I think what I did was I saw it and then I forgot to put it on Like I looked at it. I was like, that's the two guard and then I grabbed the clippers

And then I went Like I hear myself go I was in the bedroom and you're like, what is it? I'm so excited. I fucked up I was like, yes, my ears perked up Yep, and I trimmed off. I had a one guard off until it trimmed everything off. It was a perfect square Yeah, this full beard and then just a square taken out. I was like, oh, I haven't had it at this length in years I love it. It's take it takes 10 years off you every time you trim your beard

And I did your neck and I have to admit. I think I messed it up. I didn't do it perfectly. That's all right I don't care. You look great. I want to see your face again. When are you going to shave this off? Shave everything? Yeah, I want to see your eyes. It's been years since they've seen your real face. It's kind of scary All right, so any hoodles we went to the magic castle We did we went from the magic castle. So early we started at 5 30. We got there. We didn't leave until 9 45. I was like a good four hour Jaunt drinking the whole time drinking the whole we're so hung everybody's so hung over today. I'm totally hung over It hurts so bad me alive wine bourbon

magic Magic so we go we get into we get there and you know when I'm around you guys I feel like this is our safe space YMH is an opposite safe space if you will And it was Nadav Tom and I we got there first and we were in the bar And I say to Nadav I go oh you're gonna like this Somebody in our neighborhood put up a huge Hanukkah display on their front lawn. It's very rare. And what did you say? Fuck that. That's dumb. Don't do that

Yeah, and he said it pretty loud so that other people could hear he's like, uh fucking Hanukkah shit And at which point a woman at the bar turns around the ass And she basically goes it's okay. It's cool. I'm cool. I hate Jews too. Yeah And then and then Nadav goes it's cool I I can say that because I'm Jewish and she goes. Oh, I'm not I just fucking hate them She was Which I'm also okay with She was uh, she was also she was like, I hate all that shit. You know, they're so annoying

This is it was so awesome though because it's like we brought studio jeans out into the real world Yeah, and then I was like, well, you know, there might not be other people like you guys here. So maybe keep it down Because uh Nadav had his new also self-hating Jew friend that he made at the bar But that was fun. And then we go upstairs and we had an amazing dinner. Yeah, it was really good In which uh, any paid me the greatest compliment I've ever been paid by I mean, I've got to tell you that I've never seen you Light up like this and it was a deep sense of pride and I mean, I've told you exciting news Hey, we're pregnant and you never get this excited. Yeah

Any tell the audience what you told tom last night? Uh, I told I don't remember you said you were doing something with a wu ting member. Yeah. Yeah, and uh, so I said Like man, you're like you're so black, dude Like you're like a like a a black dude a low-key black dude black on the inside Why on the outside and I feel like you're even blacker than me. That's what you said And uh more felt my heart swell up and a tear came to my eye And I was like this whole venture has been worth it to this one. Yeah Like this is why we started the pot. We could shut down the podcast now. Yes. It was really the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me

Black no black man Well, I was so proud of you. I was so happy for you. Everybody came dressed so nicely everybody came in their suits It was very cute and um, and then we played a game about which tiktoker We all would be Yes, well, we actually said which cool guy. Oh cool guy. Yeah, everybody in here at the at the table everybody in the at the At the dinner last night had to say which um Which

Which uh, cool guy they were you had to respond. Well, I I threw a first thought that came to mind Yeah, your first thought we were a little tipsy. So everybody just had to say who they felt their alter ego Your alter ego was apes grace apes grace a hundred percent. Yeah, do you ever worry? Yeah, you're And no one's telling you true Because that that one to me when I saw that it it struck such a chord inside of me like it It was so pure and so good You use the hour

I did not use that time because youtube is watching and we cannot disparage people like that different lower IQs nothing like that Yeah, lower IQ what does that it isn't that what that is? Uh, so what were you watching last night in bed? We were like Was it last night? It was some murder show. I was falling asleep and it was murder murder murder and he goes well He had a last night. Yeah, I was watching the confession killer thing on netflix about henry lee lucas And they were talking about How he was friends with odis tool and he was like, well, he is a real low IQ I

Thought that was just a vicious. Yeah Which is a great combination a low IQ and vicious And I hadn't heard that phrase in so long. It was nice. Okay. So back to act for sorry. So I'm apes grace. Yep Uh, oh, did you feel and then any said he was uh, uh, tony john, right? Wasn't that him? That's you that's any take your overs That's your alter ego. That's your alter ego. Yeah, that's the cool guy. You are which one is native Well, who'd we decide on who'd you say you were? Say, uh, I just shot from the hip first thing

I thought was a sissy from freemont sissy from freemont. That's right. Oh my god A bitch to kick me in Yeah, I'm the sissy from freemont sissy from you stupid white bitch. Nadav is Slowly flying his freak flag. I mean, we know you know, I know yeah for years. We've known you and you've kind of played it On the level and now I feel like we're it's slowly emerging I think we're gonna see a clip in our folder one day and you're like, that's me Hope you're wrong. Yeah And then, uh, who else chris did he have somebody he said no because he doesn't edit this show

It's often so he didn't have one and then ali we determined was Yeah, drinking the pee lady or the woman that knits her menstrual blood yarn Right. Yeah, uh, we thought maybe she's uh, Rain flooring flooring Totally ali that is ali basically whatever is going on in your body It's in your urine Yeah, that's ali. So your body does have antibodies that can fight off this illness And if you take a little swig and gargle with it sometimes

It can help with a cough. Yeah, I could see how I was doing that Easily and then this is me That's who I feel like before you have sex If you want to be horny for two or three hours like you've never been in your life Oh, thanks, and you have access to marijuana too. That's my boy right there. Good weed Listen to me That is my ulcer you go That's if you've never met a lady in your life and you didn't become successful at stand-up. This would be you, right?

100% Absolutely, I would be like this but like 400 400 pounds And I'd be like If you want to have Sex may feel good. Yeah, you know what I just realized after listening to him He says if you want to be horny for two or three hours before you have sex blissfully that sounds like torcher To be like out of your mind horny for three hours. You like psychotic. Yeah, like I don't think I would enjoy It would be really annoying. True weed alone can get you really horny or the normal but benendryl

Take about 10 12 benendryl before you want to have your sexual fun Whatever you do your masturbation Yeah, and hold off on masturbating for two or three hours Let yourself get into a psychotic rage And then begin masturbating That sounds horrible Yeah Yeah

Dr. Drew was like this leads to psychosis. Yeah, which is great. It's so much fun Um So anyways, we decided which cool guys we were we wrapped up an amazing dinner They do a really good job at the magic castle if you're ever In los angeles and uh, you want like a fun different type of show. I mean that they do a really nice We had to get dressed up by the way if you saw the picture the reason is because it's mandatory Guys have to wear coat and tie women have to be in formal attire. It's nice. It changes the whole experience though It really does one lady. I saw she had a slit so high up her dress. I saw her stinky pussy

And it was full of warts and she was itching it the whole time You guys are so junior they have these huge warts that grow on them and our pussies fucking stank So weird All right, so Um That was fun to be with you guys. I want to go out again with you guys We should do it like Twice a year. Maybe we should do like a summertime dinner

Yeah, I think we should go somewhere nice by the beach Yeah, and like get fucking faded again homie Yep, but maybe not on a school night like maybe on a night where we don't have to come in like why we're so dumb We're like, let's have a yeah, like let's do it on a wednesday. So we could come to work hungover We went to the we went to the magic show And any delivery? Oh My god, the whole reason we chose that place Was to see any do what you think he was gonna do and he did it

It was so much fun to watch him watch magic. Oh my god. It was so great. It was so great Do you feel like you saw witchcraft last night? I still don't know what happened But all I know is I don't trust anybody in that venue at all like even the first thing I mean, I guess I don't want to spoil it for anybody But that first thing where you walk through the door, you gotta say something. Yeah. Yeah, I don't trust it I don't trust someone's gotta be I don't I don't know. I don't know. There was all kinds of trickery I mean, we saw a really good magic show. We really did. Yeah, like the the one that we Were ticketed for you know, the big show that was fantastic, right?

I mean, there was so many and you guys got involved You actually Nadav got to go on stage. Yeah, and you were part of a trick where I mean just to give like the You know the quick points of it the woman was tied up with ropes They they cover you for a second and then Your coat is on her and the ropes are tied up over her. It made no sense. How do they do it? What do they do? It was crazy. I mean like, uh, uh, I didn't see like my back was to her So all of a sudden the second the curtain goes up. I just feel someone yank my jacket off

I'm like, who the fuck is doing that? I thought she was tied up Uh, and then like 30 seconds later, you know the the coat or even less than that like 10 seconds later The coat's on her under the ropes. I have no idea how they did it. Yeah, but they did yell at me to keep smiling and clapping Whenever they do stuff they did say that. Yeah, I didn't know if you guys heard that but whenever they looked at me They're like Oh my god I guess I'm not a smiley person. Well, I mean, I feel like they would say that to anyone then, you know, yeah I mean, I hope so

Jesus we were um watching that Pretty girl get tied up in front of you and all of us were like, let's look for nidav's boner. Oh, yeah We were all looking for your boner She had a nice little body and I could see that your weren't looking exactly at her eyes, you know Right. I was looking at the rope. I was making sure that she was still tied up. Uh-huh Yeah I had a guy put his um elbow on my leg. Remember Yeah, yeah

He used your leg as an armor the guy in front of us had his arm like this around his lady And he rested his elbow on christina's leg and I was like that's fucking bold I think they're so ripped. Yeah, he was he was so hammered. I was like, this is he was the knife guy. Yeah Some people really get stoked when they get to participate. It's funny. It's like their big moment, you know Yeah, but it was a good show and then it blew everybody's mind, right? Yeah, I did that thing where Where uh things that you've said throughout the show are ultimately written on a piece of paper that's locked in a box Right, I have no idea. I didn't do that. That's no idea I know I love I love magic. It's so fun

And he ate a lot of cheesy bread. Yeah, he wanted his own basket And we're like, well, no wonder you haven't pooped in a month because all you're living off of is cheesy bread Yeah, and I also feel like we got the um We got a Astonishing report. I didn't know this that he didn't he didn't shift for all of November and that dr. Drew was like, that's cool. How can that be cool? That's fine. You guys must have misunderstood. Yeah I don't know man. He's not only did he say it was fine. He said he admired my resolve Oh, stop. You didn't you didn't jump

once No, the whole month not once and and the whole month and you're eating every day I'm eating every day and I mean it was natural up until maybe like Like the 18th day and then I that's the middle of the month. Yeah And then I should have but then I don't know. I just kind of made a bet with myself I was like, I bitch can't do this That's so stupid. That's so crazy. Please don't do that People are flushing toilets 10 times 15 times. That's me. Yeah

So you but you telling me that you had the urge to go and then you ignore the urge in an effort to keep it inside for a month That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. Yeah, just because of you know, no shit in november That's so dumb. I really wanted to What was your first dump like in december on december 1st? Oh, yeah, it was the biggest Dump I've ever taken in my life. Like how many logs came out of you? God six Wow

Something like that. I don't know. I mean, I obviously don't count I mean the thing I was telling dr. Drew is I'm not there Mentally when I do that and that's why I don't so often because I just I don't think about it So that's why when you guys asked me once last time Six logs came out of you Does it hurt coming out? Uh, this time it did Usually no it's got to feel like glass because it's probably your it's dried up. It's been in there for a month

That's not good. You have to be like impacted at that point fecal impaction. Yeah All right, stop doing that. Okay. Do you eat a lot? Do you are you not eating a lot? Is that why that's how he eats? I eat a ton. Yeah, you're like a monster. How the fuck are you keeping that in? I don't know. Yeah, please don't do that again. All right. Jesus. All right. I won't do it I feel like I get I get wrecked if I don't shit every day if I skip one day I feel so bloated and fat and gross. Yeah Yeah No way. What's the longest you've gone without pooping?

um few days max max like two days maybe yeah, I can't remember the last time it went Longer than anything like that. I tried a suppository once. Yeah, and I couldn't I got it like halfway up And then I just shit everywhere like it works so fast. Yeah If you ever hey, why don't you try a suppo? I don't know. I though those work really quickly a suppository if you ever have to make yourself dump You want to try it that glisser and what what is that?

So you get a suppository It's like a little tampon for your beehol And you just like try to push it in your butt and I swear just like poking Just it dissolves immediately in your beehol like the minerals and whatever it goes like it's glycerin. I think it fucking Makes you shit so fast, dude. Yeah, but it has to go in I don't like putting stuff in my butt either But you just I just had to like kiss the rim. It was like and then it woke up my beehol and then all the brown came down See, but that's the thing. I don't want to though. I like not shitting. No, it's every two weeks

Okay, I won't do the month thing But two weeks. I think this is perfect, but you know No, no, you know, you have to know that the standard is daily, right? That's what people do Until this show. No I did not I I was told like like I told you guys I was told that three times a day Is what you're supposed to do, but you're also told you're supposed to exercise every day and people don't do that either So it was one of those things I was like maybe this is just normal We got to get a physician in here, you know

Like an actual somebody who every day they just see patients about their physical health And I went or a gastroenterologist or would like to get one of them in here and really I'd like more information about this You know what? I think it's I think it's psychological because it sounds like he doesn't want to be there He doesn't want to poop. Yeah, see he can he's choosing not to what's the trauma Did something happen to you as a kid while you were pooping someone beat you on the toilet It I mean I went over it with uh with drew and it was um There was no there's no trauma. It's really just When it started it was just an inconvenience like um my mom and I had somewhere to go

So she was like come on. Let's go. Let's go. So I was in the middle of it And I just pinched it off and I went and so I thought to myself I was like, oh I could just not do it. That's it. Maybe we should just never do it, you know, and then yeah Kind of just pushed it when I was a kid. I did hold it like like what I did this last month Yeah, I did hold it and then it just became natural See because mom was like hurry up We got to go and then that's when he pinched off the first time and then that's that's where it comes You can't hurry kids when you're toilet training. Yeah

Yeah, so somebody startled your your toilet training process I bet you isn't that what you said happened to you too with your towel drying not towel drying Well, yeah, because I think it comes from just my parents never doing it for me As a young person, no one did that for me So I didn't know that that's like self-care thing. You should dry yourself up and then it became like, yeah It's a waste of time. Why am I drying myself off? I should just go on with my day Yeah, but that's just because it was like parental neglect. I think what's happening I think your mom traumatized the duty inside of you. Maybe there could be I mean my memory is literally the worst

So there could be stuff that I just don't even remember that happened And maybe that really set it off in the beginning earlier than that Like your parents telling you that they're divorcing as you're on the toilet taking a dump or something traumatic I'm serious. Like you could have been shitting and someone was like telling you the worst news of your life Yeah, I don't know could be so exciting though that I hope you shit from now on, please once a week Can you commit to once a week? No Once a week is too much for you It's it's just that I don't

I don't remember the last time I went on purpose, you know, it's like wait, do you you don't exercise or do you? I do not no no because I feel like I feel like if you had a regular Exercise routine. Yeah, there's no way that you could do this. Your body would just Force it out more. I mean, I do want to get bulkier. Maybe that'll be it. That could be it. That could be it Start training. I'm down to talk to that dude or whatever the I gastro. You said a big word that I don't know Gastroenterologist. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. We'll get I got one. I think we'll come in really. Yeah um, oh, yeah, and uh The thing we didn't mention a weeks ago that I was super honored by was the shout out. Oh, it's our face song

Bizarro, right? They um, that is a esoteric a 7l and inspected deck. That's their group. I know inspected deck. Yeah from Wu-Tang Um, they uh, they had a new album out and they gave the they say catch me at your mom's house What's up? What up? Time's a girl and I was like what and the album by the way is Bananas it's so good Um, that's on the the shout outs on the first track the song's bizarro But I've listened to this album now like 10 times or more in just the last I don't know a couple a couple days

Um Sick 12 tracks. It's it's a really good album. It's a did you listen to it? You listen to the album not yet. I listened to the song though. That was pretty dope Dude, that's on Spotify. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah the whole the album is everywhere. You can get music, but If you like hip hop Check out the new czar face album. It's really really something man That's different from the Wu-Tang thing that I have. I have a something cooking that I can't say yet, but I have uh I'm doing something that is involved with Wu-Tang. Oh, I'll tell you pretty soon

What? But this is this album. I'm not just saying it because like I did get turned on to the album because of the shout out But the album is fantastic like the like the the production's amazing And um like as an mc esoteric Well, plus a shout out to ymh. Yeah, we're becoming your mom's house. Come on rappers favorite. Danny brown Named his album, you know, I'm saying and he listed us as one of his influences And I we're so honored to be a part of Anybody's

Yeah, and we got Brendan Yuri singing a Hot hot farts for a living and he sung the original rpc songs. That's right. Oh my goodness He's like I just threw this together in my basement. I know it's fucking unbelievable. So talented that one. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, that guy's got quite a voice on him. Yeah, um, all right. Check this out. Um, this I'm sure this is okay to play I hope it is My name is feels and I like to dress as a baby I like to wear nappies. It's like a regressor. It's actually very comfortable I just like to sit in them

I support feels lifestyle choice Oh, do you I don't think you should I really can I tell you I like that he was working construction. Yeah, you think this is gonna play well with the fellas Why do we have to accept everybody's Everything, I mean, can we just? Oh, sorry. No, no, I mean There's some stuff and we just Put these people somewhere else

Well, I mean, do we have to share everything publicly and be proud of every can't there be shame attached to some stuff? Well, I just I don't see that this sake man being that bad I just think it's it's still always crazy to me to agree to do this video Like, you know, I mean, maybe that's what I'm upset about and dress up like a baby and your and your partner's like, yeah I'll hook you up with you know, baby, whatever and then you're like, let's do it on the news though That's what I mean. Can't can't we keep something private and also by the way I'm just jealous and resentful that I don't There's nothing in my world that I could like into that like what how he enjoys this

I don't have anything that I'm so regressed and Shamed about like I wish I was this in touch with myself that I I could be like tom deep down inside Yeah, I want to dress like a dog and I want you to put a tail in my view And I mean nothing like this that I think I would probably be like I wish I could All right, but I would not let you do a news segment on it Wait, you would change my dye dye Well, you just said dog. Well, if I was a dog, maybe that's what I'll give you a tail

We had that we were talking about that That fantasy because we have to take our dog to get her anal gland It's expressed bit see I have to go every month We're talking about going to maybe a new vet where you bring bit see in And you go I need to get her anal glands expressed and then you go, oh, I got a bigger dog I got to go grab in the waiting room. Yeah, and then I come in and I go And you've got the mask on and the harness And then I just turn on my side and I'll lift my leg up and then you go. Oh, can you express his anal glands too? They have

been expressed in a while And she and does she do it? I think she goes what kind of dog is this? The wolf it's a wolf dog. I'm gonna go. I lick her mouth Let him do it You want to let him do that so he knows who you are Well, it's like super human features She keeps looking at you And then I'll be like listen, there's an extra hundred dollars in it for you

If you'll just express my husband's anal glands and then he may leak from his Penis and if you could collect it with your mouth, it'll help us I did not sign up for that part of the and I'm like I kind of want to try this and see what happens. You'll get arrested for sure. He would never get that far Right away police would be there in moments. Do you think that somebody's fetish is that they want to get their anal glands expressed? Yeah, of course, right now somebody's asking someone else I found out you like to dress as a baby after being together for about a year

He kept it a secret in here. When I see him wearing his nappy, I kind of feeling different I like to pee in them, but not the other stuff It's just not me at the moment. It's not me at the moment. I like to go sissy At the moment He's laying in a giant sized crib. Yep I like to pee but not the other stuff He came It's like I'm embarrassed. I can't say the other thing. Look at him. Look at him laying there

Happiest can be I've never known Barbara doesn't like the nappy stuff really No, and she won't change the dirty ones, but she will put a clean one on for me. Oh I mean, this is a grown man He's like, she won't change the dirty ones, but But look how happy he is. He's thrilled. He loves this and she's indifferent She says when I see him in his nappy I'm indifferent that can't be realized how many phone calls she got from people in her life Co-workers, family, friends that she's like they're like, oh, you how you still dating Phil?

And then they're like, Jesus, I just saw the fucking news piece Do you want to get out of there? You want to come to your senses? Well, and if they have children too, what's going to happen when she's got to change Everybody's di-dye in the house Yeah, she's going to be a tad resentful. Would you be mad if I was into that a thousand percent with actual children in the house? Now i'm changing Three dudes di-dyes. I would just stay upstairs and I'd be so pissed. I would cry until you came and changed me like fuck off

Mama, I'll just keep doing that and you come up. What the fuck tom? I'd be like And you're like, oh, I could smell it from over here. I'd be like, oh my god And think about your dumps too in a di-dye Mashed in there. How many logs do you produce per movement? I bet any's monthly dump is your daily. No. Yeah, you kaka a lot Every time you come in the door, you're like, I gotta take a shit every single time Every time I did plop pretty hard the other day. You what I plopped pretty hard. How many logs? How much just tell me I don't know. It was a lot

Two logs, I guess and that in a di-dye mashed against your butt with all the hair and stuff I know, but i'm a baby any help Help me and the favorite thing about being Phil's mummy. He's caring for it. It's not dodgy It's more of a lifestyle some people enjoy sports Phil likes being a baby How do you would you date a girl that wanted that done to her? Hell that wanted to be dressed as a baby and you have to baby her

No, no, that's a specific kind of weird. Yeah, but that's like age play. I mean, you know about age play, right? What's that? What's that? Uh I actually don't remember the I know it's some some little girl some daddy little girl. Okay dawn. Yeah, I know I see it on tiktok Uh, the daddy's talking to their babies. So you've so you've been a daddy you have? Uh, I didn't like look for it, but it happened and I uh, I just went with it I went with the flow. Wait, is this is someone you were dating for a while? Uh, yeah, yeah, and like how long before she brings it up. You know, I mean that that's what she's into

It was pretty quick. Like I think we made the joke about like ha ha like I bet you're into that daddy shit and She started calling me that ironically and then there was just enough times where I'm like, this isn't ironic Is it like you're you're into this, huh? And yeah, so did you have to role play then that's what what it led to? Um, it didn't go this far So what what kind of what kind of thing is it just name stuff then I'm just trying to understand Yeah, it's it's names and it's like

I don't know they they Yeah, they they want to be treated like kids just not Little toddler babies, but kids like younger, you know, so I'm treating them like a dad would treat their daughter Instantly I really don't like this. Okay. So wait. So wait. So so she's like, okay So so you're like, let's go to the movies and she goes. Yeah, let's see Dumbo Let's see frozen too and then that's the kind of thing you're discussing So you go see like a children's movie and you buy her a lolly like that We didn't I I wouldn't go that far if I was into this then yes, we would go how far would you go?

What would I I just did, you know the daddy princess Shit and oh like come on princess. Let's go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah stuff like that. You give them head pads and and stuff You give me head pads. Does that mean we're into daddy princess play A little bit maybe wait and then I could use the dad Does this extend Does this extend to sex then though like is this part of Definitely That's where I am like you're into this, huh? Because she said it ironically

I pretended it was ironic during sex. Yeah call me daddy And I was like you're like into it into it, huh? And she like and did she want you to take it though to to like a toddler place? Like is that what she actually wanted? I don't think so. I don't think she went to the toddler I think this there's severity levels of it. Yeah, she was more Just a little you know It's little smaller than she was did she have a pacifier because some littles on tiktok have passies No, that's what i'm saying. That's where I think it gets to the extreme and you're literally a toddler a little

She she was not that far, but she was into it. She might be there now. Who knows For me, there's nothing dodgy about my age play, but for a lot of people it is Sadly phil has been forced to keep his lifestyle choices a secret anymore He's afraid to tell his closest friends and family. Yeah, why does he have to you hook them up with a tv spot? Why does anybody have to tell the friends and fam? I still don't understand this need To tell everyone in your family what makes your dick hard That is not a need for everyone to know It certainly isn't one of the hardest things for me is having to hide my lifestyle living as a baby

Well, I don't want it to affect my work. Yeah, phil. I don't want people to think i'm a weirdo phil. Yeah, it's just normal It's not and you're not And you should go away It's definitely not a normal it within the bounds of normal behavior. It's not No, you're drinking a fucking baby bottle. Yeah, you're you're a dude. Yeah, you're fucking 46 And you're drinking a baby bottle We'll be talking about I never really uh got to enjoy my childhood because we moved around a lot And I think that's where the age play comes from

But to be honest, I'd probably still do it This guy works construction. I know he's so masculine. Yeah It's wild. It's okay. My goal with this is by showing myself off to the world. Please don't it will make it seem more normal And maybe make people less judgmental. Hmm. It's not working doing the opposite for me. Yeah, it kind of drives it up More Makes me just not want to see phil doing this shit anymore I personally think the age play adds a whole new dimension to our relationship It makes us stronger. We love each other more. We bond together

I just hope that people can leave us to live our lives the way we want to. Well, they did they did Yeah, before you fucking did this I know then don't announce it. Yeah, man. Do you see her playing with him? Hey, Tommy? Yeah, here's a ball Here's a boxy Where's Tommy? Tommy. Where's Tommy? I just don't know how they get into character I think it's so embarrassing for me like how he commits so fully to it Yeah, I'm just repressed. Maybe I'm just repressed. I cannot find my I can't do anything this involved

Yeah, where I fully get immersed in it. Yeah It's like I've never done. I mean aside from bobby and trish You know a role play role play type of I just I don't know But even that it's like you don't have to do a whole news segment on it. Hey, you notice what we do at home what Why Because I just want people to know and stop judging me about the thing they had no idea about I know now they're judging dude. Yeah from a 30 second news thing

Or I mean, uh, you know a five minute blurb on a tv show It's not like they did an hour on it and they're really getting into him and what a great person he is and how sweet he is like Do you want to see something else cool? So upsetting. Do you want to see something cool? Yeah Nate, this just may be the mugshot of the day. Perhaps even the year check this guy out. Ohio police are looking for a boy Obviously, he's not hard to miss the 51 year old has a tattoo on his face reading pot head Look at that. That's all she's pointing out and he also has a big weed leaf and his eyebrows are tattooed on That's all she sees a pot leaf all across his forehead and eyebrows

You can obviously see it there police took to facebook saying they need to find him because he failed to tell them That he changed his address and they also say he has some words written on his fingers lone wolf This does look like jeff tate it looks exactly like jeff tate jeff lives in ohio too. He does And jeff could be talked into this tattoo For how much for a bag of weed? Uh, I know I think you have to give him some more, but I mean, well, would you have to give jeff to do this? This is uh, there he is. There's our buddy. Yeah, I love him so much. Is he wearing a sleeveless vest there? Oh

All right, you I've seen him in that he wears that with oh that was on that doug benson show the high court And then he wears like a fonsi shirt under it. So you like click that the one in the middle right there Yeah, you can put the tattoo right there. It's a fucking dead ringer for it Yeah Pot head there. He is yeah I do miss jeff tate. He's great. You just saw him, right? We just did that weekend my last weekend my last domestic weekend together and we did uh, eerie columbus grand rapids and winds are together. It was great. How was winds are btw?

My birthplace. It was great. It was um, I don't know. I didn't see anything looking at real estate. No, I just uh, literally we got the bus drop dropped us off at the casino at caesars And uh, you know, you didn't see a lot. You don't see anything. Yeah to the show leave My friend shane my canadian friend shane Loves an edmonton and he told me that a lot of people die every year Trying to swim across lake ontario that they get hammered and in winter time. They'll swim across lake ontario This is christ That's my trap

Pretty well. You want to do some dates? Sure homie Um, I have I wish somebody would make this talk jeff tate's voice come out of his picture I have uh, some 2020 dates You guys want to come see some of the new new um after I go to australia and New zealand I come back. I have some all spanish shows

I'm doing ontario oxnard and tempi In february And then I spoke han. It's all english Um, then I have a night. Uh, let's see. Oh, yeah, vegas. I'm doing vegas um march Six and seventh at the mirage at the terry feitor theater I'm doing a weekend at the ice house in pasadena in march 13th and 14th

And then Dayton as well in march And then after that i'll do brea The and then i'll do a some more spanish shows dallas houston austin and san antonio Those are all in spanish and then I go back to the mirage In may and finally west palm beach at the west palm beach improv In june with a final show in spanish at the miami improv and then gene Yes, my love 2020 rolls on I am finally kind of touring a lot more so january 9 through 11 momston Uh cap city comedy club

Oh January 30th through february 1st poost in texas at the poost in houston improv don't work no wreck Hey, february 14 to 15th tamp on florida at the tampa improv. Let's go full throttle January february 28th or 29th. I just added manfran disco at cobs come on your comedy club Our pussy's itch march 7th Pasadena at the ice house. That's the october 25th show. I had to cancel tickets will be honored there march 13th and 14th Daryl florida at the miami improv. Do you know what time uh the shows are? Say run eat o'clock eat 15

March 26 through 28th dallas tejas at the addison improv you would be required to make daddy come April 3rd and 4th jew dork titties at carolines april 24th and 25th dimwatt iowa at the funny boat i'ma make you cry then june 12 through 13 fartnakes arizona at stand up alive tickets at christine christina I think youtube is flagged all the parts of the show Oh, come on. Listen. We're just done with youtube and guess we're done with Making people happy listen to where my mom's at. Um, also, tom's got a new That's on my personal youtube page if you want to

Subscribe uh to it on itunes if you want to download it. Um, that'd be great rate review subscribe Please share it with your friends your spanish-speaking friends. Um, it's tom segura in espanol On my youtube page and again also you can download it everywhere and then of course two bears one cave I do with a bird christner and then Where my mom's at and what else we got honeydews also on this show And dr. Dr. Dark. Yeah very exciting stuff studio jeans and 2020 lots of good things happening lots of fun stuff All right. Thanks. We'll be back shortly with a guest my gene All right, we are here

We're so excited We've done your radio show before But we've never had you here And you did it separately as well. We did it separately. Yes You uh, you were obviously you were hilarious on the drew carry show. You were great as the late You never said any of that when I we were on my shoes. Yeah, because you were you were much more kind of like kind of Hey, I'm I don't need to be friendly. I haven't seen that fucking show. All right. I'm trying to be nice Are you reading something?

Says you're from another country. What's that like? Did you and you enjoy you play groundskeeper willy is that right? Were you shrek? Well, as you know, tom doesn't have a nice personality like I do like I would say that I'm a lot more friendly I like to make people feel comfortable. Yeah, it's kind of good cop bad cop. I think really right. Yeah, but I'm not sure Because I think a little tom is gruff Yeah, I think you know, I think I probably trust him a little more. Wow Yeah, I I think Well, I'm not saying I don't trust you but you know what trust you as much as I trust all old scottish saying

Yeah, bros before hoes. No, right? That is not a scottish That is you say that in scotland. You'll get your testicles added to your back um No, there's no bros before how it's just like it's and don't say hoes in fact you called me what? Here's your testicles. You can't say you can't say ho. I don't think so. No, I don't it's not very nice Can you say slapper? You call him slapper. This is 1926 say tootsie. You're a slapper By the way, we should probably mention that the name of our guest Oh, yeah, we're just so excited. Uh, is craig fergusson. So, um, thank you

Do you keep up with okay? Because you've you've lived in the states now a long time, right? Yeah, but I moved back You did move back. Yeah, I moved back to scotland like a year ago. Why did you move back? I wanted to live back there for a while. I also wanted to be a An american living abroad in the country that i'm originally from that's interesting. I feel that it's not An area that's been covered enough. Did you find that you're uh, I'll preface this by do you know lewis lee? Um, the owner of acme in minneapolis. No, I don't great guy He came over from hong kong when he was you know, let's say 30, right? We don't all know each other. Well, I figured you might all right

But one thing that I was fascinated by was that you know, he he lives here He has a very heavy accent right when I went on a trip with him to asia And he we thought it was hilarious that he's been so far removed from from his country of origin That when he goes back and he's speaking cantonese everyone's like Your shit is weird like his references and his slang was all outdated. Yes. And does that happen? Yes to me and I I get I also got a lot of oh you sound really american No, you're some kind. Oh, you're some fucking american. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Look at your fucking pastor. I'm like I don't really think I sound that american. No, but apparently well, that's the thing. I guess to us, you know

To us you don't write them you do Well, I mean, but what does that even sound like anymore? I mean, no, what is it? It's not american Yeah, but you know americans a lot of different accents when I yeah when I was starting in late night. I used to get a lot of Our americans gonna accept someone with an accent. I'm like the governor of california Pronounced the name of the fucking state. He's the governor of I think they'll be fine. I think they'll be all right. Yeah I'm gonna you on ya You had that great joke in the trailer for your new special

Where you said when you became a late night host you were afraid that they wouldn't accept you americans because you're You're watching your weight and you had an accent That was the thing I worried about or the whole time I was in that show I worried about you know Putting on weight and having an accent and then when I quit they put in a fat guy with a bigger accent than me It's like all right everybody I'm like, oh come on Was it a constant uh thing on your mind weight like were you always you know, I mean like yeah

Doesn't I mean I think anyone in children's worry. Oh my god. I think everybody worries about it. Yeah, send people right Yeah, but you know, they're worrying about other things. They have other shit going. Yeah But I know I worry about it. My wife is pretty thin. Yeah, and she worries about being fat. I'm like, you're not fat at all Really? Yeah But especially late night you're on every night So if you don't get a good night's rest or you look tired the next day that everybody sees it like yeah You can't have a bad would you get feedback a lot on it on Not from anyone I would listen to that you gotta remember most of the time I was doing that show

It was kind of it was so early in social media that no one took it seriously. It was kind of like my space or something Right. Yeah, so I don't I don't recall it being much of an issue at the time. I just I messed with my own head But I didn't yeah No one was really having a go at me because I had a very interesting setup Something that will never ever happen in television again because cbs had were so keen To to hire dave and book dave after during the late night wars when johnny retired

That they gave him The two hours of real estate and television between 1130 and 130 He he owned that time period as long as he was on the air They didn't you know just like say you can put on what you he owned the time period Whatever was in that time period. That was david lehrman's So I didn't really Have to work for cbs. You really are working for i'm really working for dave So great

So the good thing was that they didn't pay much attention to me. The bad thing was of course They never promoted the show. They never put up a fucking billboard. It was never in that They didn't fucking invite me to anything at the same time Why you didn't get invited to the Christmas party? No, no as it turned out. I think it was probably good But the it was not it was not a natural coupling me and cbs I like I don't do well in a In a situation, which is uh, you know, you're you're the face of a large extremely

conservative corporation Um, but because dave was there that's fine. Do you do like because everybody's we all have this fascination with dave Did you guys have a weekly or monthly or some type of rapport? I had it at work We we used to go on vacation a couple of times a year. What sailing? No I spoke to dave about six times. Yeah, I think four of them you can see on youtube. Okay, you know, no dave was in the east coast. I was in the west coast And also he was doing his own show. So he didn't really pay much attention. Well, I will say it was 100 true

Whenever I had to ask him for help Which wasn't often but if ever I was like I need the network to go off my back on this or something He always showed up 100 percent right away And and he was very very cool. So he didn't disappoint in that regard What what would you have to help with with cbs? What kind of notes would you get? I remember there was something like if I wanted a guest he would say Uh, he would have someone from his office make a call or something like that. But I think most of the time It was during a negotiation once robber net, you know robber net

Robber net ran worldwide pants when dave was on the and rob rob's a cool guy. So rob, uh called me up During negotiations. I was being an asshole during the negotiate. I was like five years I know. Yeah, I was gonna think about it and he said, what do you what do you want craig? And I said, I want money That's what a fun one rob. I want money. He went, okay And he sent me a shoebox with a couple of grand in it Use dollar bills. I was like, okay. Yeah, that's cool. That's cool. And I took it. And that's all I got I was gonna say That's great, man, but he was

They were they were cool. Uh, world's way pants were a cool company cbs Yeah, yeah, they don't really have a personality. They're too big. It's like working for germany or something I work for germany. I'm still fast. She went to us a joke begin Dude, I think it's actually I'm I'm keep thinking about that you moved Back to scott. Is it temporary? Yeah, I don't know. I'm kind of liking it right now. You are. Yeah, how's your wife liking it? She wanted to go It was her idea. I don't know if you I don't know how long you guys been married But like if my wife has an idea tom pretty much gonna be doing that. It's kind of

Yeah, so That's right. I'm like, I'm not gonna am I right fellas. I mean that's that's really a thing That is true because I think he wants to do something but until I'm like, all right, let's let's do this He gets excited and we do it right and I think it's that's part of a you know, mutual respect and understanding But it's also it's a thing. You know what it is. It's that you know, like if you're go I want to do something and my wife's not on board with it It throws off the equilibrium of your your home and your happiness So it's like as soon as like your wife's on board with it like hey, let's do this and you go and you're willing to do it

Or you want to do it then you're like, oh, this means that like life continues to be smooth Right. And also if it goes wrong, it was my idea. Yeah, why are we back in fucking scotland? This is your stupid idea. Right. What are we doing back here? Everybody thinks I sound american Do you have a system of do I was just I was talking to my wife about this the other day I have a system of understanding her body language. I don't know. Shit's about to go off. Oh, yeah And it's based on my system is based on everything I want where? Emus, you know the the bird the emu the emu. Yeah, right. Yeah, you know, there's a little thing like that

When I see her make one emu hand like that. Yeah, it's bad You see two emus the emu feeding And then fucking emus explode Get out. Yeah, so she this is her. This is an anger. This is this is that I'm annoyed Yeah, this is going to get dangerous. Yeah, she says craig. I don't know blah blah blah So she's she's starting to ramp up. We are not going to live in los angeles much longer All right, okay, and then and then it's time we went to live in scotland You fuck fuck

Tickets are booked. Yeah, it's good to go. How do you know I'm gonna get angry? Um I feel like with you. I don't know if it's really so much body language I I can almost feel it in the force field like when I walk in the house. I'll be like something in the energy Feel in the air the ions go the other way they do I could tell I could I pick up on it like There can be less than two seconds of interaction or I'll just like Say something you say something and I'll walk and I'll stop and I'll be like Is something bothering you and you're like, yeah, how'd you know? I'm like because I could feel it in the air

Yeah, yeah, does it work the other way though? Do you ever like walk when you come in and you open the door and you think oh, it's sexy time Um, I can tell yeah, I feel like I feel like it long enough with somebody you really pick up on things And it's minutes like you don't need that many. It's like not an emu on the horizon. No You just can't see him. It's just no. Yeah. Yeah, I can tell when Tommy's happy if we're at dinner If he's really content. Yeah, he does this thing where he puts two arms on the table and then this hand grasps The elbow, you know, everything's I'm content that life is good. I don't know. Yeah, just like very like it's a very specific thing. Yeah, I feel like in a previous life. You must have been a king Oh, you know, like all the kings put his arms together. Oh great. Everyone's gonna live tonight. Yeah. Yeah, it's gonna be fine

That's gonna be fine. Do you have you look like you look like a king, Tom? Really? Yeah, I think so, you think? Yeah, like when you were first the track to tell me like it's his regal Yeah, it's awesome masculinity a hundred percent. Yeah, I know Absolutely, let me tell you too. I met him when he was 23. The guy acted like he was 43 all right. He was never 23 he was never a dickhead He was always very mature and very sweet and very refined. Yes. I've always I've always admired him before we date This is a really good episode for me. No, no, this is this is this is going very well. I feel like I'm the new doctor Now when you are pleasuring each other

I'll say this I went too far. No, that's not it's never too far This is always happens to get you're getting more handsome. Did you know that? Yes. Yeah From when I came in no because I think it's that burger I just had You've cut your hair shorter your hair shorter. Yeah It was yeah, then the last time I saw you when when I saw you last I was Doing that little radio show in my shed. Yes, and I went a little crazy. Yeah during that time period I did yeah, I I wasn't leaving the house because The radio show was two hours a day at the the shed at the bottom of my driveway

And I would just like shuffle down my sweatpants and garbage and then do a show and go home To make people understand though, you had a very again unique arrangement where you were able to do A broadcasted radio show on your property. Yeah, which like basically nobody gets to do that No, no, I think actually I probably if Ellie said he had heard about it I would probably go taxed for it or so. Right, right, right but I yeah, the sirius gave me a radio show to do and they would allow me keep doing it. I just I just couldn't really yeah, I I'm 57 years old. I've been doing this for a long time. I'm sick of hearing me fucking talk really

Yeah, and when I when I go to Scotland days. Goodbye. I don't say shit Like days I'll be out there like walking around there's cows and stuff and I'm like looking at them. They look at me We just move on wait. Where are you? So I not not specifically in Scotland. Are you in Edinburgh? Are you in a city? Are you out in the I'm in a city? During the week and then I go to a little country place Oh, do you live in life too? Yes, I do. Yes. I live my life. Yeah, I do. I'm unashamed of that. That's great That is great. Now, can I ask you this? Did you go there on your plane? I sold my plane, Tom. Wait a minute. Wait a minute No, I let I heard Greta talking about it and I was like, you know what? You're right. Yes, you're right

The plane must go I've still got a plane, but I got a small you have a pilot's license I do right now. What did you have that you sold? What was it? Well? I I had a g4 Okay, let's look this up. What I know what that is Yeah, it's just a Piece of shit that tiny little beautiful plane, which by the way, do you think that I should get one? Yes, yeah Here's one thing I'm on the road constantly. I mean, I sold it was a stupid ridiculous vulgar piece of Well, but I I will say this if you write your wife's name

In gold layers on the side of a g4 It's happy time for like a day. Yeah now full 24 hours. Yeah Yeah, how long did you have it for 24 hours? Yeah No, I uh, I for about two years But you used it a lot I used them when I was touring Yeah, the reason why I had it is because that my this was my reasoning It's no good reasoning at all, but I was working in late night I was doing gigs at the weekend and stuff like so I would

Shoot the show and then get in the plane and then go do the gig and then come back That's a lot. Yeah, you can't play commercially doing that. Well, you I wouldn't have been able to make a lot of gigs yeah, so I didn't but I I think that It what really happened in all honesty is that one morning after I couldn't buy the plane until very late on in late night and then I still had it afterwards and I was Getting worried about how much money I had to earn every year just to not go broke. Yeah

And I think I have to scale it down a little bit and then my wife who we've talked about before said Maybe it's time to end the baller lifestyle. You're not a fucking rapper. And so I So I they're all the same, aren't they? Dream crusher. What about jewelry as an investment? My husband's fond of buying very expensive gold chains. Did you do any of that? I'm I have to tell you I am so hooked up in the jewelry market You are I am not saying it on the air with you guys, but afterwards We can go to a place. Okay. Okay. Now listen, you can't show anyone you have it once you get it No, no, no, no. All right. Okay. That's cool. Yeah, how much should he I don't care who had to die to get this

Okay. Well, then that's good. Good. Now. Do you wear gold chains? Sometimes All right. Do you wrap at any point? No I don't know the rapping king. I'm just a split ball. All right. Yeah, it's a good idea. It's a new act Yeah, I need a new hour Do you need a new hour if you just dumped another on netflix? Is it netflix? Is that yeah? Yeah a shot one I haven't it hasn't come out yet, but then you know, you start to get that panic You're like, oh, yeah, because when you don't have an eye, you know, but here's the thing though. I'm done You're done. I'm not gonna do it anymore. Really? Yep. That's it after this

This one's this is it. And you did you know that as you were doing it? Yeah, I think so I think enough what's going on. You got nothing to say. Yeah, I think that's it I think I said everything I had to say and and then I thought do I really want to be A 57 year old man commenting on the lives of people 25 years younger than me because that's where you end up And I think now I don't want to be that guy So I've I've It's got some books and some stories that I want to write and I and I'm directing a movie next year and I'm gonna do that Well, you're doing a lot of things. Yeah, I'm doing things. I'm just not doing any more stand-up

I could see I mean I always have this that thought in my head of like What would be like do you you know, you you play in your head? Will I be the guy who's still gigging in the 70s? Yeah, I mean like doing those or or do you go will I do this and then Something else will become of interest and I'll just you also see like if you're a comic you see so many people Who are successful comics that end up stepping away? Well, I think I think there's probably There's probably a reason for it. I think that if you keep going in the same vein Like when I started doing doing stand-up I was like it was the time of punk rock really or just after punk rock

And it was very angry type of style and a very kind of aggressive and booze-ridden environment And you know and I had a very angry sort of persona and just to run around and be very physical and stuff And I think if you do that in your 50s people kind of like feel sad for you. Yes You know, you're right. Like I I love Madonna. I follow her Exactly Number But I mean I follow her on the gram and And I'm not sure I can't put my finger on what is not right. Like she's she's gigging hard

She's doing the show and she has a lot of surgeries and she wants to look exactly as she did in her 20s and I Like am I a misogynist because you know what I mean? Am I like why are you trying to look young bitch when Mick Jagger's out there doing his thing still people feel sad for Mick Jagger? They fucking sure do It's like I do you know, I worked with him for a while. You did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah when Years ago I wrote a movie called saving grace And the movie did really well it won a sundance and all I just like read about 1999 2000 and he saw it and he had an idea for a movie and he wanted me to write the screenplay for it

So I went on tour with the rolling stones for a little bit Come on for just a Babylon tour. Yeah, and when when Mick had time he would sit and give me notes on the script and stuff like that And how long did you I mean how long did you do that for about a couple months? Okay, I mean it's quite an experience right really good at doing Mick. Yeah I can do his voice in wise work only when he's sitting down now Yeah, like and he always likes to tell people where to sit like you know what christin you should probably sit there Really told him sit there would be better It's better for him. He wants the room arranged. He likes to arrange it. Yeah, he's not a bad guy at all

Well, according to Keith Richards, Keith hates the guy. Well, Keith Richards is a very impressive dude though because he Keith Richards obviously was around I didn't enter out with him much but It's very much his band everybody kind of is in awe of Keith Richards because Keith Richards It would be in that band if they were playing in a pub in south london For 25 quite a night. He doesn't care about whether it's a pub or a stadium He just loves playing the music. It's really about the music for him. And he's a rare beast like that I mean, he's very very pure and there's the idea that he's a kind of a control You know druggy is kind of

Not true I think it's a little exaggerated. I think he's enjoyed heroin, but Among those I've I've I've certainly enjoyed heroin. I have to say The uh, I took heroin More informally. Yeah, uh in the 1980s and then It's gotta be great. It's gotta be the best. Well, I have to yeah Yeah, that's good But I had dental surgery about two years ago

And it was a very intense inflamed abscess thing very very painful and they gave me some of that new heroin that they Yeah, oxy oxy. Yeah, uh, it was a pear cassette. It was called. Yeah. Yeah, those are great Sweet jesus. Is that what heroin feels like percassette? Heroin isn't as good as percassette Really? Oh, I don't think so. I mean, I was gonna say like if if you're starting drugs now, you got to get into pills You got to try pills I love that you guys are doing a you know psa as well as a podcast. That's where you want to lean into That's where you fuck needles

Oh, no Listen, if I was going to get off the wagon and start doing drugs and alcohol Yeah, I don't think I'd be drawing an alcohol much because that does that make you fat hungover Yeah, but if I was getting into anything I think it would be and I've seen people in long times of bright He fucked their lives up with Vicodin. Yeah, it's easy to get. I mean your celebrity and also. Yeah Hey, I used to be a late night Yeah, extra 50 in the bag. Yeah. Yeah Can I get some perks now? Let's talk about heroin

When's the first time you did it in uh in new york in 1984 and how do you how does one do heroin for the first time? Well, you used to have a thing. It was called chasing the dragon. I don't like the idea of needles So you know chasing the dragon, right? You set fire to underneath the uh, silver paper and inhale the Oh, I think I did that accidentally when I was 15. You can also snort it. You can snort it. I smelled heroin accidentally You snorted heroin. Yeah, I can't remember right. I've certainly snorted many things Heroin may may have been part of it But you injected it never injected. No, I I I'm very glad of that actually. Yeah, me too. It turned out there was a horrible

I don't know if you guys heard but there was a horrible disease connected. Yes. Oh boy But I don't know what it says about me that um, I keep like I feel at peace with your decision Just like it calmed me down that you're like, I think I'm done doing a stand-up. I'm like Yeah, I just showed you the door at the end of it. Yeah, it feels good to hear. I don't know why someone else can Yes, yeah, you can I think it feels like once you start and you're hooked because stand-up really is the only thing in my life I've ever really committed and and stuck with it. It made me an adult It made me a better person the discipline of it obviously marriage and children. Yes, too, but

Um, but I can't give up. I can't stop. Yeah. No, it's a thing that you can't it's not time But it's something about hearing somebody who's further ahead than you then go like and then I Reach this point and now I'm just done and I'm gonna do something else. I'm like That's nice. I equate it a little bit like uh, boxers, you know, really good boxers Exactly. If you don't want to quit you can have a good life afterwards If you don't want to quit you you're gonna get hurt and start talking weird But you know what you're a very introspective Smart thoughtful. Yeah, I think you might not be done. You're gonna come back once you go to Scotland

You're gonna kick around with these cows and you're gonna get bored and that rebels gonna come up. I don't think so I mean, I I I appreciate the idea of that and I thank you for it, but I don't think that's true Right. I don't Need it. I used to need it. Yeah. I used to really need all the things you describe it did that for me too. Yeah and I made my family money and it gave me money to put my kids in at decent schools and have a nice place to laugh in a plane and stuff and It it did stuff for me, but I don't want to I don't to be honest

I don't want to take advantage of it. If you know what I mean really like I'm I'm done. You're done Um, and you know look smash cut to 80 months later. It's my new special guy I don't think so. I don't think so. I think there's other things to do also I've you know, like I said, I'm 57 years old. The only non-negotiable commodity is time. Yes, and in the Best best scenarios mine is running out, you know, so You got to do it. You want to do it, but you are you're passionate about these other things that you're doing though I'm passionate about a lot. I'm passionate actually About you know the idea of stand-up as an art form. I just don't think I would want to make any more of it

Yeah, yeah, you know, but but when I see it done. Well, I still love it and still appreciate it Um, I just don't think it's I think it's somebody else's turn. I got you Well, look more importantly you sold the g4. What'd you get? You said you still got? Oh, I just got I got a little rv6 You can look that up. Yeah, it's a very different airplane and I share it with two other guys who are much better Wow, you fly that. Yeah, that's a sweet ride, isn't it? Yeah, I think See and then you share it with two other guys. So you split the expense Yeah, it's listen you can't you can't get the wheel of a g4 for where you can buy that for yeah Yeah, it's a different thing

All right, miss me. We'll just get that first and then we'll just do it You know what I mean? Well, you should learn to fly if you're gonna get that. Yeah, I took a pilot's lesson Oh, you got a pilot. You got a lesson or a lesson. I took a lesson. Yeah, there's more than one lesson. No, I know It's not like, you know, it started. Yeah, like a lesson. Well, are you gonna keep going? I'd like to Thanks for coming Craig goes. I feel like I felt a very I felt almost like an emu come up I felt an emu. Yeah, I met two emus and they're like Well, are you thinking about he'll get it's dangerous? Yeah, we have two small children I totally understand and I look I don't want to encourage you to do it. I just I don't know

If it's as dangerous perhaps. Well, how why don't we increase the life insurance? They do ask about it when you're doing forms and life insurance, but she's usually a clue Yeah, you know, do you smoke do you fly small airplanes? I'm like, that's a clue. I don't smoke but I think it'll be fine I'm not allowed to fly when I'm like, I'm doing a game show for abc next week. I'm not allowed to fly What way oh because they they're afraid you'll kick it and then I'll peg it before Freaking host the TV show. That's the most important thing. Yeah. Well, it's in the contract like don't fly while you're always in the insurance Yeah, it's usually boilerplate. Look at any contract you go. I'm sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Same thing. Yeah, no motorcycles motorcycles. Yeah, I had a bad accident on a motorcycle You did. Yeah. You still can you see that lump there? Yeah. Yeah, that's my collar bone. I busted my collar buck and three ribs A long time ago Yeah, I was directing a movie at the time And I was in the movie and I was trying out the motorcycle as a prop in the movie I tried out at lunchtime on a day we were shooting and I had the accident and I busted my collar bone and three ribs but And also I'm sober at this point and I can't take any painkillers because

That's it. I years later. I took the pair because yeah, but I was really unbelievable pain, but I like I couldn't so I took Advil for the Advil and I kept going with the movie and I have to say that movie is I don't know if it's completely shit, but it's a lot worse than it would have been had I know had an accident really agony shooting that movie all day and I was in the movie and directing the movie I don't know how people do that. How do you direct something you're in? I? I clearly I don't know because I did it and it didn't work

Because I wrote this movie and I'm in the movie. What's the movie? The movie's called I'll be there Okay, and it's and I'm in it. I wrote it. I directed it and I don't like it really so I think I'm in the movie. I'm in that I'm directing next year. I won't be you won't be in it I won't even be in a kind of background. Hey. Yeah. Oh, is that him? No. Yeah, no, none of that. Nothing Just concentrating what you're doing. Yeah, Jesus. Yeah, I feel like every time I see the the directors in it I'm like, how do they do this? Like I've only done a few bit parts in movies where I'm like, you know You see everything going on and the director is always being

Asked something by wardrobe by the lighting guy. Yeah the thing by the set director The performances of the other act and then you you're also Acting while you're thinking about how it's framed up and are we getting this shot right? And yeah, you perform in what go watch the playback immediately study your own performance Make sure that it just seems like well when I was doing it. Look I to be honest. I think I think I needed The experience of having a failure And I hadn't failed in movies until that point

You know, I had made movies which I had made a couple of movies which had done very well You know, I did a movie for Warner Brothers called the big T's and it wasn't a financial success But it's a good movie and then saving grace the movie I did after it was, you know It was an indie hit and it was like I was hot potatoes for 10 minutes and yeah And then I thought well, I can direct and star and be in the movie and all that and I learned that I wasn't as Hot potatoes as I thought I was and it was a humiliating experience, but I needed it I needed the experience to grow up a little. You did. I did. Yeah. I was an asshole

Really? You really think so I well, you know, you try not to be but I think I think I was an I don't think I was an asshole to other people but I think I was an asshole in the uh in the idea of Of having an inflated opinion of myself You know and and not taken counsel In a way that I maybe should have I mean because it was enough people who said to me, you know Direct or star

Right. I got it all and I was like I got it. I'm a genius. Yeah, and I'm not Which is good and bad news But that is it's interesting though that those life experiences do really, you know the the setbacks teach you a lot more They're much they're much for you anyone. Yeah, you learn more shake your head at that. Well, you're scratching your Junk, I think. Oh, so she was shaking her head at your junk scratching. Yeah, I gotta be honest with you, Christina I'm very comfortable with him scratching his junk. It's not a problem. I've been around man. I'm from Scotland Scratching your junk in Scotland is a is a form of greeting. Yeah How you doing? I'm fine. How are you? Of course

Back to what we were saying anyways, no failure is the biggest failure is you feel more There's a lot of information in it. I think we feel more than you do succeed, especially in stand-up Yeah, stand-ups great for that because that's why I think I'm glad I'm not Coming up now For the kids who are like in their early 20s who are becoming stand-ups now Their their failures are very visible. Yeah, you know that they're on youtube. They're documented They're on instagram that they're mistakes like what happened to kevin heart with the oscar's thing that kevin Made some stupid jokes. Yeah ten years of stupid

Unkind things that you shouldn't have said but you use a young comic and of course when you're a young comic you Tend to make stupid mistakes like yeah Yeah, but but it wasn't but it but it was documented and and now it follows people around It's like waiting to yeah, there's kind of an that's another reason why I think it's quite nice Not to be both in late night and in stand-up that It seems like it's a very hostile environment Right now. Yeah, I don't know if that's good if that might be good I just don't know how to operate in it. Are you but you are you excited about what you're putting out about what you shot

The the new the hobo fabulous thing. Yeah. Yeah, it's authentic. It's a hundred percent what we wanted to do good like the the act is documented in the stand-up and the reason why I did it Joe my right partner, right? I write with this guy who was I don't know if you've met Joe He's he was the front end of the Panamime horse when I was doing late night And he's he's a great guy. You did meet Joe. He was he was the producer of the old radio show Okay, and he's my right partner and and so When we were sitting down to write the show, which is like september of 2080 august of 2018 We said let's write an hour and a half that has no politics none zero

Uh Just as to see if we could do it just as a stylistic choice to see see what would happen and and we did it But by the very nature of that it became a very anecdotal intimate Storytelling type thing because we mined my life for stories and then used those stories to form the stand-up show So because that was a very intimate form of stand-up. I didn't want to cut it down into an hour It was an hour and a half two hours some nights I I didn't want to cut it down to an hour to fit the netflix model or the amazon model or whoever they're held

You were doing it for this time So I thought well, let's try and create the intimacy that the audience gets when they're in the theater Through a different method on tv So we did a kind of rock documentary thing But we shot the pieces of stand-up and it is chronological in the sense of it runs From the beginning of act to the end of the act over the six episodes But it's in different towns and it's in different things that happen in between and Trying out a joke that works and then doesn't work and all that kind of stuff and it moves along and it follows it along

So it's actually six episodes that few series Yeah, and it's and it's in there kind of like a rock documentary because I had watched uh, the documentary is about journey and about um Rush on netflix and I I don't like either of those bands And but I watched the documentary and I liked the guys in the band and I thought well This is a perfect opportunity for me to make product for people that don't like me. Yeah, it's a neglected market as far as yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course and a huge one. Yeah at that So

So I I felt like I felt like and it was something different and it was something I had control of I didn't do the deal for it I shot it and you went all over the country filming this. Yeah, and I I shot it I mean I paid for it and then we did the deal for it after once it's done Wow. Yeah, I'd see and that's It's better to do that than on a plane. It is. Yeah, because then you just you don't have to I mean, I know I've made a couple of specials from netflix and I know they're very easy and they're you know, they're they don't At least in my experience. They never gave me any trouble at all. Yeah, but they were still there Yeah, and they still had

Considerations and they would still say look it has to be about an hour 15 most Yes, you know, they have me I was like, I don't fucking care what this thing is I'm gonna make it and then sell it. Yeah, and that way it'll be authentic and and it is that I'm not saying it's not possible to work inside the parameters that other people give you But I didn't want to do that this time. Yeah, and so I didn't That's what I'm basically saying is I wrote a directed and starred in it Joe directed it. He did. Yeah, Joe directed the whole thing. That was really helpful Well, look, I um

You have this accent. We've been listening to it's it's becoming more American. Is it really as we talk? It's been yes It's been yeah, that's it's upsetting But I want you to if you would all mind Listen to a couple accents and tell me if you can do them if you can do them and fully understand what they're saying Okay, will you throw on the cans for a second? Yeah. Yeah And then throw on the cans. Is that like a slang thing? It's kind of all right. Is that when you were scratching your junk? Yeah, you scratch your junk and I'll throw on my you throw on the cans All right. All right. Oh, that's wow

Different there's your audio in front of you. No, no, it's fine. It's good. Okay. It's this is actually what the first time you take heroin It's like is I'll really hearing your own voice amplified. No, it's not. Did you puke the first time you took heroin? Yeah, I did actually But I but I was drinking a lot too. Right, right Let's see. Let's see what this one is here. And what does the reopening of the pub mean too? Because it means a pain because I ended up drinking with the last two years What? What? He hasn't had a drink for the last two years What is that he said? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he's laughing because it doesn't mean end to me because I haven't had a drink for the last two years

But what does the reopening of the pub in kum mean to you? Well, it means a lot because we keep up the tradition of singing and music and everything like that and we have dancing and that's a good That's a good one. I mean, he's got some tangles and some bells and Fuck slaps and

Uh, uh Oh, it's his right to give me a little back to you. This is just where I want to eat. I mean, does he drink? I find that very sad actually. What's saying? What did he say? What is he saying? I didn't get a fucking one Ha ha ha ha Not a fucking one. Okay. Good. Oh, okay. What about the end when he goes into the school? No, no, I I genuinely to be fair these people are irish. Yes, of course. All right, okay. We know you're not right. Yeah But and we don't all know each other Right and it is a different country. Well, yes. Okay. Okay. Um, I wish you could go through your neighbor

I mean, I was just in ireland. I was like, you know, we're right here You guys are all the same. You guys like you guys talk alike. Oh, I see you know, I see Are you eating a lot of haggis? Not right now. I'm Oh, that's right. What about the fried twinkies? No, I don't eat the fried twinkies I don't eat fried twinkies or I do eat McSweeney's vegetarian haggis, which is delicious particularly if and I do give credit to my wife for this she makes an uh Meatballs for bolognese, but it's vegetarian vegetarian. Oh, that's nice. Beautiful. And by the way, is she loving it the move over there?

Yeah, she's thriving. She's yeah. Yeah, she's like got red hair now and stuff. That's great. We know how you guys are So, all right. So here's a different clip also not scottish. Okay, but you know, it's right there And we're here in clarity because we've been invited by a very special character. I hear he's a local legend and his name is sham Sam, how are you? We're here in Kalani today. Nice media. Are you from Kalani? Born and bred So far so good He is uh, the you I'm very excited to see this. This is quite a rare sighting. This is that is the irish goba godfrey

Oh He's just got the same energy Can you do goba godfrey? Yeah, lots of tourists around It's great, isn't it? What is the deal with these people? Who come and That is the irish goba godfrey. I've never thought of that. I wonder if we put them side by side if we could even tell

Do you have that kind of technology? I don't think gobert has a hat like that. That's the only difference Is that and I think gobert might have a hat like that. I could be talking out at turn I mean this guy that it's crazy, right his his level. That's very difficult accent. Yeah, but like I say I'm not from there and Again with the I'm not from there But the thing is you go and learn about accents all over there is they're they're very different from place to place Like even from 20 miles 20 miles or even less sometimes And there is a it is kind of I don't think it's fair to call it an accent

You know in chinese writing cantonese and mandarin completely different completely different. Yes, but they're the same written down I did not know that. Yeah Yeah, yeah, they both read the same language. I think that look let's just say that's true Okay, yeah, well I think Yeah, let's just say that that is true. I mean I was thinking I was gonna get some shit for Associating irish scotland, but I think you're gonna take no it's at all First of all, I I don't know if it's true. Okay, let's just say it's true. Okay for the sake of the argument Cantonese and mandarin

Completely different spoken. Yes. There's a different languages, but they use the same alphabet. I think that's okay. That makes sense Right like us in the french, right? Right, but do I sound french to you or contraire? Oh Mon am I yeah, that sounds canadian Yeah mon am I mon am I mon am I Hey there Hey, hey Hey hoser

What is a hoser? It's like a boner, isn't it? Is it take off hoser? It's like uh, I didn't think canadian was talking about such things It's like a douchebag, right? Oh, I thought yeah, I thought There's an erection. Hey boner. Yeah, it is but like a boner like someone. Yeah jackass. Yeah jackass. Yeah. Hey there hoser douchebag All right, what do you say in scotland for douchebag? Yeah, so what about with scottish slang? That's what I want That's what we started with. Let's hear some cool slang. It's very sweary. I love swearing even better. The c word is very popular Fucking cunt. Yeah, there's a lot of that, but it doesn't have to be a derogatory. No, you can call your friends cunt Yeah, oh, he's a lovely big and then you say I would say if we were in scotland, but I'm not saying why why I don't need

Oh, don't be a cunt. Just say it. Yeah, quit being a cunt. Just don't try to make me say words I don't want to say this is the best though one of my favorite stories of Okay, is that were you guys in the uk? So yes my ex-boyfriend and I we were in england We were in london and you had a boyfriend before tongue. I know it's so this is there with friendsters This is when friendsters out. Wow, but this makes me so happy, but okay, so I lived in england for a year I was familiar with the culture or whatever. We're hanging out in a pub with some londoners and We're explaining to my boyfriend then that the word cunt is used like that like kind of yeah, that's fucking cunt this cunt this cunt

And then I think he's like that what happened. I mean, there's a how I remember this right, but I'm so then there's an explanation And then people are hanging out they're actually having drinks and like And in the midst of the hanging out One of the local londoners a woman is hanging with them. That's right. There's a woman and then he's like, oh, don't Shut up your cunt and everyone was like yo, man He's like, hey, I thought I was doing no, no you don't do the thank you because language is Situational, yeah, you know, there are certain words you can use some places you can't use But you really can't call a woman a cunt even in

Scotland, right? No unless you're another woman, right? Yeah, and then it's okay. Yeah, but it's but it probably won't be friendly Right, right, but man will call other men and it will be totally. Yeah So it's a very complicated. You can't be a man see a woman be like you look like a lovely cunt Oh, no, no that in fact you saying that made me feel kind of hot Oh my god What about the movie train spotting? Do you understand when francis begby talks? Yes begby. I understand Oh my god, there's that scene in the pub where he's like Then he throws his throws the pint over that that movie is so

Like what it was like to be young in scotland. Oh my lord. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's an amazing movie It's a great movie and it's uh, it it's about I was about five years ahead of it in terms of age So like I just missed the heroin in scotland. I'm very glad of that But um, but I had I but when it came in that's the way it went and it was like it was like that Pretty bleak Gets a little bleak sometimes. I don't know if you've been around america or anything. It gets a little bleak around here too Wait a minute. Do you mean like something like uh, this do you know how this fire started? Yes, I do. It was cousin my cousin

And I don't want to mention no names Your cousin yes Uh, and you say you think your cousin started this. Uh, do you know how or why? He's mad because he couldn't he can't get with me. I'm married to my husband And it's a long story. Just make it short. Yeah, he put he already put him in a hospital once last month And he figured he's going to do something else to get back She like that That's america

That woman is a snitch Yeah on her cousin on her cousin on her cousin. She's not going to give you any more details But it's a long story short. I guess it's I've got an uncle cousin You do. Yeah, you do have an uncle cousin. I have an uncle cousin. Yeah. What? How's that? Yeah, well my my I think it's uncle cousin but my my aunt Wanted to marry her cousin. Oh my life And then they they weren't allowed to get married they married other people and then they grew up and the other ones died And then when they were past childbearing age, they got married to each other again. They're first cousins

They're first cousins. Yeah. Yeah, that's legal in scotland in the uk. It is and the royals Right, don't those families they all in started on these people. I know but you guys hate them That's right. They are Because the king marries the cousin Eyes on the side of their head Three fucking hands fins one toe on each foot. They're fucked. They're fucked. I've heard the scottish aren't fond of Well, it depends. Some scottish people are very fond of the monarchy and some so i'm not a big fan of that outdated system Yeah, monarchy. It really is so at this point they they and they like them just because of what the tourism it brings

And you know what france killed every they killed their royals in the 1700s the last thing i was in paris it was teaming with tourists I don't buy the tourist argument at all who in ever ever said i'm gonna go in america Uh, no, i'm gonna go i'm gonna go to england because i'm gonna meet the queen. Yeah, you're not gonna meet the queen She doesn't meet you there, but welcome to britain. Yeah Would you like a tea? I like a tea. I like what you do. Would you like tea? Would you like a tea? Oh, we're like, come over here now. Don't say cunt And don't call me one. Yes, i'm the queen cunt unless unless you're another woman

Do you have those lovely tea biscuits where there's chocolate on one side? Yes chocolate digestives Those are really good ever had the hobnob ever tasted the sensual pleasure of the chocolate hobnob. No, what's that? Chocolate hobnob is a is a tasty digestive wheatie biscuit with a thick chocolatey edge Oh That looks really i love digestives. You just sold it man. I just i want it. Oh, yes, you do you want a hobnob? Yes, you do put on your put on your throw on your cans and enjoy a hobnob Here's another american wait, but we want to hear some other slangs too. Oh, yeah

Give us the slangs, please. How do you say go fuck yourself now? Look, what's the go fuck yourself? This still works There's a lot of different there's a lot of different words that i like one word that i like in particular is bringe Bringe? Yeah, it means to like barge in somewhere. You don't come fucking bringeing in here like you wouldn't have fucking place Bringe. Yeah, it's a lovely word. I like that. Yeah, it's good, isn't it? Yeah and Let's see fanny, of course the fanny mix-up is always a problem. Well, this is a fanny pack And i giggle a little right, but fanny if you say hey Can I see your fanny pack in britain? You're going to see hr. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah

Because the fanny is a veg it's it is it's not your but is it a crude way of saying it? Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's it's a very It's quite shocking to say fanny. Yes Um, especially if you put harry in front of it for some reason a harry fanny. Yes that that just bad That's bad. Hmm. So you said slapper as well in glasgow is another word fud fud for vagina a fud Oh, let me see your finger your fud. No, no, no, you wouldn't say it like that. Oh, you would just uh, it'd be more kind of like Oh, i've got a growth in my fud What about you said slapper is out But i'm not in charge of i'm not

Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm not i'm not in charge of what words are in and out, but uh slapper is not i'm not Slapper's not much. What about wanker? Is that still? Wanker's popular. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it tends to be more australians that say wanker Really these days i think. Yeah, really? I think so wanker Yeah, he's a bit of a wanker at night. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, let's see one more um leek american. This is also unique Do what suck my dick I can't do that. I can change you. No, you don't change me All right, you don't want to be changed. No, but I want to be home. They would be something I always think about this guy

About how you know how we were talking about how you go giving up stand up stand up I knew you were gonna do it Because that's what you have to avoid becoming because i'm gonna walk out and i'll be like hey, how you doing? Yeah, hi. How you doing chuckle hut? How you doing loony bins with chita suck my dick All right, you heard me suck my dick and then This poor old guy. Oh man, and I just picture like I don't know who filmed them though. That seems unfair Yeah, a little bit. It's a violation of trust. I think so. I mean he's clearly I mean the guy might have dementia or something Oh, yeah, it's not fair to

medicine, no medicine, yeah You don't want to suck my dick I have to change you You don't want to suck my dick and get out of here. Oh That's a good policy. Well, isn't that what happens to older Gentleman is that they get they get hornier like a sign of dementia? Is that like oh, I don't know bushy saying all kinds of wacky stuff towards he had a he had a fun bit

Where he would say, you know Is it a fun bit tom? It was kind of a farfley. He would think carefully tom. Is it fun? Do you need this shit in your life? Is it fun tom? Wow George hw butch I didn't I was not a fan of this but what he would do is when a woman Yeah, to like for a photo op he would say, oh, do you know who my favorite magician is and they would go Who and there's like I'm meeting the president and he would go david coppapheal and then he would squeeze the It's funny though. It's at least he has a nice joke

To go into it. Well, at least a gentleman wore his hat I'd appreciate that and then if the girl would be like, oh, here you go. You know, you're a real cunt You're a right cunt, right? They say you're right. Uh, well that that's usually mean that that's not nice. That's not a right Islate that for the drop, please He's a right cunt. Did you give it to us clean, please? Okay, you ready? Yeah. He's a right cunt And then could you also give us, um, harry potter, you're a right cunt Mr. Potter, you are a cunt

Oh, wonderful Oh, how about, um, oh jesus johnny davidson. What's that one the guy with Tourette's he's to go johnny davidson Yeah, that's his name. He would say his own name. Are we mocking people with Tourette's? You're mocking a poor old man with dementia and then we're mocking people with Tourette's Now you're doing the theme of the show Oh, I get it. I get it. Can you say chopper dyes his pubes ginger? No, I can't say that Why? Because I don't know what I'm participating in Chopper dyes his pubes ginger chopper dyes his pubes ginger. You got it. See. Oh, what am I doing?

So I'm not here to talk to you guys at all. I'm just doing bits for you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, okay All right, let's take it back to the motherland. Here's a Scottish guy. I know you'll be proud of him. Okay Okay I already like him So who is this guy and why did you bring him? Well, this uh, I'm glad you brought this up because uh, it's this time of year. Obviously, it's Santa That is huge. It's Santa and this is uh speaking in tongues Santa. Yes. Yeah, it's pretty exciting Is that what he's known as these speaking in tongues? Well, he's a big asmr guy and I don't have that

That's people who they love just the the certain sounds can stimulate something in their mind And it becomes like this overwhelming experience. They love Those types are like soft noises and well, but what's the particular asmr video? I do not scroll Autonomous sensory meridian response Okay, and it's a medical condition which you are almost feeling like a tingling sensation Like they do mostly asmr's on people chewing or people wrestling Textures and people really respond to that. I am so fucking vanilla really

By the way, there's the same way with huge some people have youtube channels of just making noise like noises Can we see it again? He makes me laugh too. You know, it's I'm not judging anybody. I am we judge a lot. Yeah. No, I noticed I think it's the whole presentation. Yeah, that's not his real body though, is it? Oh, no, no there it is. Yeah, it is So is he like the is is he like the the star of that world? He's like that. Oh, you know who he managed to book It's like for the conference. Yes. He comes out. Good evening ladies and gentlemen Everyone yes goes nuts. He's one of the top dogs. Wow I like everything. I like the whole package. I like that his body is incorporated in the asmr the santa vibes I actually really well this time of year. I think yeah, it's festive. Yeah, it has a festive feel about it

I I don't quite know how I feel about it. I I don't feel good I gotta tell you I feel since I come in here actually I was feeling kind of good about myself and then I come into you guys are like mocking old people and stuff like that He's like, oh, there's an old guy watch his dick serve Ah That he would grab a woman's ass, but he'd make a joke. That's like what the fuck Where am I? This is a safe space

Okay, yeah for everything inappropriate Do you like do you follow fed smoker? I I I I don't I hate that I'm about to do this, but here I go I don't know what you're talking about. What's fed smoker is a guy who has a An account it's really growing in popularity. He goes and he smokes out feds But cops that are dirty and like he knows who's bad and who's not but he also puts out videos of him doing Kind of wild shit to himself like he'll remove his own teeth

He'll cut his own hair. I really don't want to see that I I like I don't want kind of sick shit you people are doing here. Well, do you want to see him? No, I don't want to see someone pulling out their own teeth. What the fuck is wrong with you? Like he pulls on his own teeth that he stinks a red unpoker in his own ass You want to see him? No, I don't want to see any of that No, I don't that's his hair with fire. You want to see it? You can't cut your hair with fire You can't if you just set it on fire. That's just setting it on fire You can't stale your hair with a flaming torch. Oh, yes, you can. Let me show you

It's very it's very punk rock. You're gonna love it. It's super punk rock. It's not punk rock. It's a magician When you're feathering it brother, you gotta get a good drip on it You ain't gonna feather that shit. What's he gonna get it going by? You know what I mean? Gotta get her hot too I don't want to see this. It's good. That's real motherfuckers To light yourself on fire let your brain on fire Huh?

I I gotta I gotta stop you. I think you're laughing at someone who's mentally. Oh, no No, he said his own hair on this guy. This guy was wearing a wire for the feds for like 15 years Is that now? Look, I've got a doctor. Yeah, that's neither the fuck are you And and and if you know if he says he's wearing a wire for the fed That might also be a symptom that he's not well No, but he can find trial molesters. He calls out people that are doing bad stuff. Yep. Chomos. Chomos Chomos are trial molesters

They have their own thing. Yeah. Yeah. He fires them if you're trying to smoke them out You can you walk in the room you go What's up there chomo and if somebody turns you know that they're oh like at the end of the great escape You know the great escape where he says good luck The germans say all the braised guys are getting on the bus and they're disguised and they're escaping And the germans guys guy says to them at the end good luck In english and the guy turns and says thank you and then they kill them all. Oh, yeah So, yeah, you know laughing the other side of your face. No, whatever the fuck that means, right?

Is that an expression? You're on the no, but I like it. I like it too. We're gonna laugh on the other side of your face Laugh on the other side of your face. Yeah, you'll be laughing on the other side of your face That sounds so threatening. Yeah, it's the inside of your skin where it's it's sore to laugh there. Oh, I guess Do they say that in the movie? Laugh on the others. No, I mean that sounds so menacing that you'll be laughing on the other side of your face Oh, shit. Don't you potato is me. I'll potato is you Yeah, that kind of stuff. Yeah Um, can I ask you one question if it's okay

You're met a wolf if I have met a wolf you have. Yeah, what did they teach? Where did you do it? We didn't do it. I just met the one. No, but I You try to smoke me out with some kind of wool ball some wolf my last star Did you wear sex with a wolf? No But where did you meet the wolf in a club? In a wolf club. Yeah, it was a place. Did they teach you how to greet it correctly? Greet a wolf correctly. Yeah, so a human being should always greet a wolf with one one way What's up motherfucker?

No, it's like it's it's like this when wolves greet They will want a lick inside your mouth This is perfectly normal for them And this is what they do to one another on a daily basis If you can tolerate it you should allow this as they will trust you more and can learn everything about you as a person Do you have fucking with me? No, no, it's real. She's English. Oh, I can hear her. Yeah Well, if she's English, she's probably Making you look threatening

So Jen is quite hard to keep still during a wolf altercation Especially when it's happening right in front of your face all teeth and snaps But it's very important not to move in case of redirected aggression On to you the altercations only lasted a little while and it's soon all died down I love the phrase all teeth and snaps And it's going to be the title of my movie about a german dentist's convention that goes into a drunken crazy hangover weekend It's all teeth and snaps Yeah, did you do this though? Did you let the wolf lick it inside of your mouth? Sure

Yeah, no one told you that when you met I didn't know he was wolf Oh, he told me he was a wolf and I just let him lick and say my mouth We were in the club. It was dark. He said I'm a wolf. Can I lick inside your mouth? I went yes, you can Lick inside me. Do you not want to see fed smoker remove a bad tooth? No, come on one last clip and then he has to go Come on 77 fucking years old. This is not jr. I oh come on. Let's let's see. Let's see a guy take his own tooth What the fuck is wrong with you people? Do you people have kids?

Look, I'm telling you I'm going to report you to chimes everyone goes. Yeah, these people have kids Yeah, and they're looking at videos of people taking their own teeth edit that out edit that part out You're in america. Let's have some fun before you go back to very cold I think I think fed smokers. It's a little much. Let's just I don't want to see a guy I know let's go out on a nice clip. All right My name is phil and I like to dress as a baby I like to wear nappies. It's like a regressor. It's actually very comfortable I just like to sit in them

I support Phil's lifestyle choice Is that his mom's real mom? I found out he liked to dress as a baby. I was a girlfriend together for about a year When I see him wearing his nappy and I kind of feeling different I like to pee in them, but not the other stuff It's just not me at the moment He's not mentally ill She's indifferent when he wears his nappies. She may be indifferent. I however, I'm not indifferent. Would you like to wear a nappy? I'm wearing a nappy right now. Do you wish I was wearing peepee or just the other stuff?

What is the other stuff? I think so. I think when the chocolate comes out, he calls it the other chocolate comes out Really chocolate when the chocolate comes out, Tom. Wow. I never knew we were in the presence of There you are. Tom's a girl isn't it like like he's I mean, he's a danger. He's a dangerous comic. Let me tell you that He doesn't say shit. He says when the chocolate comes out That should be the name of your special. That is the name of the special. Yes, when the chocolate comes out It's going to be a big hit. Do you call it a would you say making brown or making brown? When you sit and plops come out. Do you have a Yeah, what do you say? I can't take this kind of talk. You know, I gotta go take a dump. What are you saying?

This is what I say. What do scottish people? I say I have to go to the gentleman's trouser department Is that true? Yeah, I absolutely do. I'm going to the gentleman's trouser department. Yes where I may invest in a pair of brown cords That's so sophisticated. Yes. There's no way your scottish brethren say the same thing. What does like a real street guy say? I wait for a shite I wait for a shite or uh, you know, I'm fucking I gotta fucking took a Humpty right there A fucking Humpty dump right there my friend A Humpty fucking dump and then he pulled his own fucking tooth out and said he's fucking hearing fire And then dressed up as a fucking baby

Would your wife change your dye dye if you asked her to I'm a bit older in my way. So I think that question will come up We definitely have to start referring to taking dumps as Humpty's. Yeah I like I like that. I'm off for a Humpty. But I do like saying I have I have to make a hot chocolate You know brown trousers is pretty funny. I think the gentleman's trousers gentleman's trousers. I'm going to the gentleman's trouser department And I have to buy brown pants. I'm going to get a pair of brown cords A pair of chocolate brown Deep chocolatey brown Don't go in the bathroom. I had a lava cake a few minutes like that. Okay. Don't don't go into the bathroom

I took a fucking Humpty But I missed the bowl and did it right on that rug I Love it. You gotta narrate children's stories. Yeah, it's really fancy I love it. It was a bright cold day and mr. Chocolate had made his deposit I love this brown trousers Oh, dude, check this out before we go. Come on. This is the last one. I thought All right

Oh, oh, stop. Oh, I don't know what it was. Stop. He's swimming in a septic tank. Oh, stop it But it's a fetish mat. It's a fetish. It fetish my ass. That's um, that's that's someone needed help. No, no, he's fine He's not fine. He's swimming in a river of shit, and he's not even in the shoreshank redemption No, he likes it. He likes it. He's got a mask on. He's got that fetish man. He could he could die doing that He's fine. He's like rubbing his eyes. He's cleaning it up. Oh, he's rubbing his eyes. Oh, that's good What if this was all just chocolate and it wasn't poopy? What if they tricked us? Oh, I swear to god, I feel sick That's the point. Why what is this gonna audio jackass bullshit that you got going on? What do you mean? This is like

This is what the audience lives for. This is what we like. We can't help it. This is who we are Nobody told me but there's I thought it'd be like hey. What is it like? You know in show business All right, do you want to see someone puke or get hit by a car? I don't want to see any of those things I don't want to see any of those things. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you I don't want to see any of that One question though. Yeah does the person that get hit by the car puke because I would be No, but all right, then I don't want to listen. That's not a hilarious screen

No, I don't want to see fine now. We checked. I don't want to see anyone get hurt and then no, they're okay But they're okay No, I don't like the hurting stuff either. Oh, but you're fine with the guy dressing up as a condom and jumping into a fucking shit Well, this is voluntary. The other one the gentleman just got harmed. Oh, well fair enough. That's yeah Yeah, I know you're right. I feel chastised. I feel bad guys. I love I'm no I'm no I'm no looking You're a hot black guy. You want to fuck me at 23 95? If you want to move in you can move in but you got to fuck me I need I need to be fucked a lot man. Get rid free food free rent and everything else man. Here's a deal, man

That's a good that's a pretty sweet deal. Yeah, not you're in Yeah, did you know him in new york city? This guy is uh, robert paul champagne Robert paul champagne. That's his name. Okay. Yeah, he's a friend of ours now. We found is it really? Yeah And what does he do he just does this clearly has money? Yeah Because he can you know, he can cater for someone he can just have him move in He'll take care of him and we after him and all they have to do is fuck him. Yeah, that's all that's it That's all he wants. He clearly has a private income of some kind He does he's got his own place and you're welcome to eat and and

Let me let me ask you a hypothetical question. No, hold on a second It's a hypothetical question. Yeah, if I was maybe going through new york Yeah, uh next week. Yes, and I needed a place to stay And I wanted to save a little money. Is there anywhere could you recommend anywhere for me? 100% 2395 Wagner houses apartment to see between 121st and 1st avenue That's where he lives and he gives out the address all the time That's that's dangerous. It is but nothing's happened yet. Nothing's

See the big word there. You almost didn't say it. You said nothing happened yet that little word Seriously, and he's been plugging that date for a long time. That's very dangerous He should stop that. I mean, please put himself in danger and and look I I swear I think you're skirting a very dangerous line here. I think that this guy could be You know, he's putting himself in danger. Hmm. You know, so come on. Dr. Drew just visited him. He just went there Oh, yeah, because dr. Drew is gonna sort everything out with a come on. He did. He did What did he do? Did he get him to stop putting his address on the internet and asking for people to come around and fuck him? Because I have to say that that was I'm not a doctor, but that's the symptom I'd go for right away

Okay, look, we're gonna get to the bottom of what's wrong with you. But first off Let's stop putting your address on the internet and ask people come around and fuck you At least find a neutral location Dude, you're totally right. That is the crux of the problem is his home. He's asking them to come to his home You need a you need a different location. Yeah, it's a good good point. Thanks bus stations and parks. Yeah. Yeah, you know romance Not with robert. He doesn't really he's not really into it That's him so Do you know I have to say I've noticed that I know make the same noises for sitting down

Is that I used to make for ejaculate? That's one of the things about age like I sit down Or we're getting up I go Yeah, I'm starting to make noises just turning over. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, turn over and you're like And your kids will think you're having sex, but yeah, you're just I just moved and it took a lot out And that's as you get older that counts the sex. Yeah It's just move wait when does the uh doc is the docu series out coming out? I forgot about it. Yeah, I know it's uh It's out right now. Okay, and where can people see it? Just amazon and shit. Okay amazon and shit amazon shit everybody

Crackling the bingo and the zippy and okay all around the gentleman's core department and well nice I'm looking forward to seeing it then me too. It's so funny. You are endlessly entertaining and funny really because I Like normally I would be very Flattered by that, but you guys watch videos of people taking their own fucking teeth out. Yeah, I don't know how high the bar is for you Did you see that video? I don't want to see it even see that. Yeah, come on. No. Do you really not know one last one? I know your manager says you have to go Just wanted to send you off nice. All right airplane home. Yeah, just think about this one's pretty cool. Okay, and this guy's fine He's not just is he a dentist. He wants to open a dental practice

He wants to open a dental school now. He actually mentions that in the video. Oh, well Oh, I got worse Oh my god Oh I can't believe you took him off. Oh, no, man. He's bleeding. He's fine. He's self-harming He had a bad tooth. He had a really bad tooth and it's bad. No, he's self-helping. He's not self-harming I think you guys are way out of line. I think that are overcharging. They're doing all kinds of shit. That's not cool No, I you just go to the car wash and he'll do it there

Look, you go to become a dentist. You have to go to medical school for at least five or six years You don't just sit in your car with a dog You just go well, I'm not a dentist, but I got my own car and a dog and I let the dog lick inside of my mouth That's how you know it's clean. That's right. It's nature's novocaine You could have had that dental procedure done that you talked about by him And it would have cost you a fracture of the price and you'd have a nice dog. I gotta tell you something Yeah, I know that I like to be cautious with money But there is

There's an area of life where I have no problem paying what it takes and that is dentistry. Yeah We believe that too I am not looking for it. See when a dentist says I could do it cheaper in my car if you let my dog watch I'm like, no No, let's do it here in the surgery and let's I know when I'll spend all the money I like that the dog has to watch Well, yeah

You brought it back. What the hell's wrong with you? Look, oh god, I think I got it. But look how bad this tooth was Oh, fuck. Look at that tooth. Look at that bad tooth, folks Look at that fucking tongue That's the way you do it at Falcon Car Wash Very clean either and that knife is probably not This is the same guy that cut his hair with fire I'm shocked

I'm shocked that a guy that would set himself on fire to cut his hair. Look, I have to tell you I'm I right now. Yeah, I do not have any financial interest in supercuts, but they do a great job at a reasonable price A great job You I'm telling you there's not a supercuts the nation you wouldn't walk into They'd say we don't need to do fire if you don't want to and they'll just cut your hair Potato potato potato potato sir. How dare you? You know how offensive that is? Um, all right, go see now the new uh docu-series Hobo hobo fabulous hobo fabulous Craig Ferguson. Maybe you'll see him walking around Scotland or the neighboring countries

Didn't you even watch the trailer or something? No, I'm saying all the time. I'm saying I'll see you now He's taking the run teeth out. Can you at least watch the fucking trailer? I want to test that. Yes What I'm here. I'm saying you they might see you walking around Scotland because you live there now Oh, you think people in Scotland listen to this shit? I've seen the downlifts. Oh, I'm not saying that cunt. He's fucking crazy You know what I think a guy in there swimming he's on shite and a guy that I humped he dressed up my fucking head And there's some stupid cunt teen. He's in fucking season perfect. He's fucking hidden fair It's fucking mental for Scotland. There's the promo for the next episode. That's our show in a nutshell. That is the show

Um, I think you're gonna be back here in LA. We look forward to seeing you locally Um, can't wait to see you to stand up again. You'll be back in And then none of this is gonna happen. You're not gonna come back to LA. I'll come back to LA. Yeah, but you still have your house here I do you want to buy it? It's a great location. It is great location. Well, it's a great location for the shit house. Is that? No, no, no, no, we have two It's a great location Two it's too many people around there. Well, this is not your actual house

Oh, I get it. So you could actually say come around here and fuck me and this would be okay Because it's not your real house. It's not my real house. I get it. Yeah You're a lot of fun. This is the greatest show in the world. This is a lot of fun. Yeah, we love you I have to say it's a it's so good. Mm-hmm. I'm a little scared And I think that's what makes it so good. I think for sure We'll be in some news blurbs when this episode comes out Why because they they do that whenever, you know, well, you're calling women cunts on the show I fucking did not

Craig Ferguson hates women All right Thanks, Craig. Thank you I When's the last time you didn't You never had an AIDS test Fuck about that shit Oh my god

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