Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 544 - Tim Dillon - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 25, 2020

Wake up, America! It’s time to think about new names for the virus. Nothing like a good old fashioned neighbor fight to take our minds off things. By the way, Dr. Fauci of the CDC has some advice that involves sharpening your sword? Plus, TikTok World War II Tim Dillon is a stand up comic and host of “The Tim Dillon Show.” Some people love delivering bad news. Tim explains why he thought he was banned from YMH. The Mommies get to know about Tim and his past and learn new things about being gay in LA. Plus, TikToks, an Andy Cohen story and Tim answers the Mommies recent porn scenario. SPONSORS: - Go to saatva.com/ymh to get $100 off an order over $500 - Check out Squarespace.com/MOM for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain - Get 10% off your first order and free shipping when you use promo code mom, only at Brooklinen.com - Go to WHOOP.com and use the code [YOURMOM] at checkout to save 15% off your order. Unlock your best self today. - Go to Stamps.com, click the microphone at the top of the homepage and use code word [MOM] to get a special offer that includes a 4-week trial PLUS free postage AND a digital scale without any long-term commitment. - Check out ExpressVPN.com/YOURMOM for 3 months free with a 1-year package.

Wake up, America. The dams have started a virus. The gays and the Asians are trying to ruin life as we know it. All from the Wu Tang virus. Oh no. You know where it originated from and ain't from here. They ain't calling it the Birmingham virus.

It's that, that. I can't even do it, it's so terrible. It's that Wu Han. It's from eating a succulent Chinese male of bats. Yep. Now we're all here with that fucking chai sneeze. What's up there, Chomo? What'd you say?

The chai sneeze flu? The chai sneeze? You guys call it the Chinese sneeze. The Chinese sneeze? God damn it. I don't think sneezing's a symptom. I don't know, is it? I think you just.

No, I don't think it is. You're coughing. Josh Potter goes too bad yellow. The Wu Han. Oh, the Wu Han Wu Tang. Josh goes it's too bad yellow fever was taken. Oh boy. It's pretty good.

I've heard Boomer cleanser, that's another good one. I like that. My Chironovirus. I like my Chironovirus. That one's fun, funner. Yeah, we don't even know that if by the time that this airs, if like everyone will be dead. Nobody listening to us.

Yeah. This was recorded on St. Patrick's Day, yeah. So about a week before you're seeing it and maybe people you know are dead now. Yeah. How stupid do you think people will be on the St. Patrick's Day and go out boozing anyways? Yeah, I saw the video from a couple days ago

when they first were like, they were saying don't congregate in groups of 50. Or you know, that was, now it's reduced to 10. Who knows by the time this is out. But when it was 50 and they were like, don't go to bars or restaurants, just pick up food, don't congregate there. And they went to the French Quarter in New Orleans

and it was just cops all down. They were like, go home. Stop being, there's hundreds of people in bars. Acting all Cajun and shit. Yeah. Pretty much. I'm not retarded. Well St. Patrick's Day is kind of an R word holiday.

It is the celebration of ours. The ours love it. They really love it. It's like a holiday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're like. The idea that you're like, it's a drinking day. Yeah, stupid.

Every day is a drinking day. You can make any day of the year a drinking day. It's America, man. Kiss me, I'm Irish. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Stupidest thing in the fucking world. It is a celebration of dumb.

That's what it is. It really is. And is there a drunk? Is that the point? St. Patrick was a booze bag or something? He was just some fuckin' mouth breathin' burpin' drunk. Yeah. They're so fuckin' proud to be Irish,

just like the Italians are so into being Italian. It's just so stupid. I mean, you had nothin' to do with it. You had no credit to you. I'm so proud to be Irish. Why? Yeah, you guys are bunch of drunks. Well, I mean, just like, let's say you are.

So what? Yeah. You didn't do anything. Like, you were just born that way. Yeah, I think the whole idea of nationalities is gonna be over in another generation or two. Anyways, we're becoming a world. I mean, I think that celebrating your nationality,

like really, really laying into it, is like celebrating some genetic benefit of you. Like, if you're tall and you're like, I'm so fuckin' proud to be tall, you're like, you're so stupid. Like, this has nothing to do with you. You just, it just happened. And people are like,

nothing makes me more proud than my fuckin' Italian lineage. What? Well, and nine times out of 10, they're not even 100% from. Like, you'd be like, oh, where are your parents from? Were you born there? Of course, they're never born there.

I'm a quarter of this and that. Everybody's got a little fuckin' Irish in them. Come on, man. Not me, according to my 23. Well, yeah, but I'm saying, you didn't do anything. It's not an accompli... I mean, it's one thing to be proud.

Hey, I graduated medical school. Hey, that's great, man. Yeah, it's not an accomplishment. Right. You're saying, I'm so proud that I was born and I'm alive still. That's what you're so proud of. You made it to this point.

Now, are there any Peruvian pride holidays like this? No, I mean, they must, they have, I remember their Independence Day is a different time of year. And yeah, that's like a big deal there. I mean, they don't celebrate July 4th? Like, would you? Well, I just forget.

I think it might also be in July. That's the thing. You know, I'm so stupid. I do think, like, what? How come Canadians don't celebrate? Yeah, no, they have Canada Day. Yeah. They got their own dumb Thanksgiving too.

That's also in spring or summer, I think, right? Well, look up Canada Day. When is that? Oh, Canada, you have a day. July 1st, see, it's a few days before. And look up Peruvian Independence Day. Let's see how far off I was. I thought it was.

The Hungarians have St. Stephans Day in August. Let's see. See, it's in July, so I was right. It's in that time of year. Yeah, they throw down and they're like, oh, you know, we fucking told the Spicks to leave us alone. They have their own. Wait a minute.

They do their little dance. Aren't Peruvian Spicks? Well, yeah, yeah, but the Spicks came there and gave them the language and the religion. Oh, sure, it's a Spaniard gene. Yeah, yeah. And then, you know, killed some of the fucking natives and then set them on fire, drown them, killed them all.

The Incas. Yeah. Like a weapon. Then they gave them Spick culture and, you know, Christ and all that. And they took off. We're super proud. Spick culture.

I like Spick culture, though. It turned out well. Yeah. Well, it did. I like it. Yeah, it's great. You guys are doing good. You guys are doing good.

Could have been colonized by a way worse or culture. Could have been colonized by my tribe. They're such savages. Give you guys Adidas jackets. The Spanish are fucking savages. I know. I mean, they were like psychopathic serial killers for fun.

They would just be like, all right, fill this room up with gold and then we'll leave. And the Incas were like, okay. And then they're like, let's just decapitate them all. They just fucking, they would laugh and cut hands off and then, you know. That's in your blood. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. How bummed are you that Starbucks is on kind of a lockdown? I almost killed two baristas in the last two days. And I've been trying to be real nice about it, you know? Like giving them fat tips. Just trying to, you know, keep the business that you can going. I've been doing the order out and I give tips to everybody.

But yeah, it's, I was a bit worried that, yeah. I had to walk the lady through the order today. Oh boy. Real, really held her hand through it too, you know? I bet. I was like, and she was like this. And then the, and then the ice. Yeah, it's a ice drink.

You put ice in it? Oh no. Yeah. Jesus. She's real, real R worded. Totally talked. Yeah, so we got a lot to go into. Where am I here?

I do like yellow fever for what this is. I'm so bummed it is, take it. He's right about that. Josh is right. He is right. Yeah. All right, you ready to do this? Oh, I'm super stoked to talk about something

other than virus. Let's do it. Mike, did you put poop on our garbage? Did you put poop? Did you put poop on our garbage can handle? Did you put poop on our garbage can handle? Is that why you put poop on our garbage can handle? Who is Randy?

Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura, Tom Segura, and Christina Pajitza. Christina Pajitza. Welcome to your mom's house. Woo, man, this is an exciting clip. I love confrontation.

I love irrational anger. I love threats of violence between neighbors, and this has it all. Yeah, look, I mean, did you put poop on my garbage can handle? Let's keep diving down this path because this is pretty great. You're the only motherfucker that burns around here. You guys should burn clean, because you burn so fucking much.

You burn dirty, man. That's dirty. Look at that dirt coming out of there. It's only beginning for you, man. It's only fucking beginning for you. We're just not gonna take what the fuck you do. I feel like this is a California thing. Hey, he has Cali vibes.

Yeah, this might be our state. He's so upset. He's got all his teeth. You burn dirty, bro. Yeah. You're the only one. You're just gonna wipe poop on our, you're just gonna wipe, you're just,

this is our garbage can. I don't want to talk about poop, but my house is all closed up. I can't even open a fucking window because you're a stupid fucking ass. Dude, are you half retarded? Definitely California. Well, first of all.

It was nice that it's only half. What I, only California would be super mad that somebody is not being environmentally conscious. So he's that fired up at this guy is not being an eco-friendly. You can tell he spends a lot of time in the sun. He's outdoors a lot. Yeah, he's growing down.

I love this. Cause you fucking act half retarded. Really? Look at yourself, Mike. Dude, my IQ is so fucking high. You're fucking retarded. You are high. Dude, let me tell you something.

Look at that fucking chin, you dumb shit. I can't even open a window. You're making it so I can't fucking have fresh air. You think this is okay? This ain't fucking okay. I like that. My IQ is so fucking high. Can I hear that again?

I like that. Oh, God damn it, man. My IQ is so fucking high. Oh my God. That is just the best. Why is that not, ah. Dude, my IQ is so fucking high. Jesus Christ.

You're half retarded. Cause you fucking act half retarded. Really? Look, look. No, it is not. A guy that burns as much as you should burn clean. It's black. Understand this, bro.

Hey, don't. Don't understand it. And don't talk to me anymore. Clean the poop off our garbage can. You better not. If you even fucking come near me and address me, you're gonna be in fucking trouble, dude. It's such a California argument.

Yeah, he's so fucking pissed. You're not burning clean, bro. I'm burning clean, bro. You think you can call us names in white poop on our garbage can? This is gonna keep going. You're gonna be getting flipped off. So you're admitting to this?

Bro, I'm gonna torment you. I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm gonna fucking flip you off and fucking curse you every chance I get. Why? Because I can't open a fucking window in my house. Holy shit. That is annoying, though.

Yeah, yeah, it's annoying, but it's also, man, it's fucking crazy. It is crazy. I know. I like fresh air, motherfucker. You're dumb. A person who burns as much as you guys should burn clean with your mouth.

Yo, you get over there, old man. I hope you have a heart attack. You're really good at sticking your nose in other people's fucking business, so shut the fuck up. You're my business. You're an idiot. You're an idiot.

Hey, back the fuck off. Don't come over by my house. I'm sick of your fucking smoke. I ain't gonna fucking take it. Dude. Can I tell you, I'm on this guy's side 100%. Really? I feel his vibes.

I'm like, yeah, dude, why is this guy burning trash? It's not legal. Is he burning trash? I don't think he's burning trash. Why is he not burning clean? He's, his chimney stuff is like, is coming out black, so he has a dirty, yeah, dirty wood. Oh, you're not burning clean, bro.

I agree with him. But this is, I mean, come on, this level, this guy's on it. He's at a 10 about it. I mean, Jesus, man. We're all in the pressure cooker right now. God, back off, old man. I hope you have a heart attack.

Haven't you ever wished that on your neighbors? Oh, many times. But, you know, I just like write notes. I put it in their mailbox. I don't actually yell it to them. Yeah, so rude. So understand, motherfucker. Do not wipe poop on my garbage can, okay?

I don't know what you're talking about. You don't touch our property. You're gonna be flipped off every day, and you're gonna be heckled, and you're gonna fucking understand that you're not gonna fucking do that to us. How about a restraining? How about fucking burning some clean wood?

Hey, Mike, I'm gonna get a restraining order. I'm gonna get a restraining order on you, okay? You get somebody to fucking deliver it. Yeah, I will. I know all about it. I will. I know all about it. I've had restraining orders before.

Jesus Christ. He said that? Yeah, he's like, have someone deliver it. I know all about it. Hilarious. We've been through this process a few times. Hilarious. God.

Let me tell you something, motherfucker. They can't do anything to me, because I haven't done anything illegal. Yes, they can. That's fucking illegal. Hey, old man, have a fucking heart attack. You're blowing up your ass, friend. Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit.

Dude, you're so ugly. She's your problem. Dude, you got, what's wrong with your kid? Did you drop that fucking head, you stupid fuck? I have to say that. Shit. I've wanted to say these things to people so much. We all do.

I know. I kind of enjoy it. I like these, like, you fucking, we'll be fucking dying, you fuck. I'm like, I like this. This is why a world star is huge. It is all, it is this kind of shit that most of us restrain ourselves from saying, you know?

I wanted to say this to neighbors that I haven't even met yet. You stupid fuck. God. Do I have a fucking heart attack? Your kid's fucking retarded. I can't believe there's so much more left. There's more.

Jesus. How much more does he have to say? I don't know. You're so dumb, dude. You got your nose in every people's business. Go over there and sit in your fucking house. You dumb, retired motherfucker. All you do is stick your nose in people's business.

Do something about it. You're stupid. Do something about it. I'm already am. I'm telling you how dumb you are. I'm doing it right now. Lovin' it. I'm telling you how stupid you are.

You're all fucking mouth. Dude, I'm lovin' telling you how stupid you are, you fuck. And he does look stupid. I will say he does look retarded. The way he's dressed is not far off from a lot of our words I've seen on the talk. He's got those high, high, high, high jeans. Those dad denims.

And his belt is really high. I feel like. And with white sneaks, he looks like a total artwork. You don't understand the tug at my heart right now that is going, please let the angry guy use his guitar and smash it over that guy's head. I'm like, tell me that's where this is going. That he is going to bash that man with a guitar.

It's like inside, it's going like, please, please, please. Your heart. That's what your heart wants. I feel like that matters to me. You know how many people I've dealt with in my life? I'm a broken heart because so much. Oh, retire and stop sticking your nose in other people's business.

This is between me and them. This has nothing to do with you. Oh, thank you. Get the fuck out of here. Blow it up your ass. Blow it up your ass. It's always cool. And I'm going to start tormenting your fucking ass.

You think you're smart? Hey, dude, you think you're fucking with somebody who? I love confrontation, bro. I fucking savor it. So now you're barking up. Hey, hey, dumb motherfucker, you're barking up a tree that you shouldn't be. I'm making no threats.

I'm telling you, I love confrontation. We all know that. How much of a nightmare would it be to have him as a neighbor, though? These kinds of guys that really do. I mean, this guy would be. You would move just to get away from this psycho, man. God damn.

No more wiping poop on our garbage can. I don't know what you're talking about, but every time you come to work, you're going to get flipped off, and I'm going to fucking hackle the shit out of you. I know you're half retarded. That would make you about 100% retarded. What happened, man? I enjoyed how it tasted.

Fuck, we're not fucking. We're not going to stand idly by and let you burn dirty wood. Dirty wood. I mean, I hope he's at least brought it up a few times to go to this level, right? Like, I would hope that the guy's like, hey, you're burning dirty wood. And then you go, oh, I mean.

Yeah, it's not number one. I hope not. Not out of the gate. Now you got me hoping. No, you're just going to wipe poop on our garbage can. Hey, dumb fuck, you're supposed to burn hardwood in a fireplace, not pine. Do you understand clean burning, half retort?

Do you think what you're? Half retort. Hey. Do you understand clean burning? When I talk, you don't talk. OK. You talk now. Do you think what you're doing is right?

No, but this is a result of your action, dumb fuck. Tom, you got my hopes up on that guitar thing. Oh, man. It's not happening. I don't know if we can contact him and ask him to do that, but that really was set up for it, man. So stop burning shitty burning fucking wood if this wouldn't happen.

Do you see any? Let me ask, do you see anybody else's chimney black, dude? Like yours? Do you want to answer that question? No, because you're fucking half retort. It ain't OK, man. Jesus Christ, man. That's right.

Because you're fucking half retort. It's pretty amazing. Oh, man. You know, it is such a. It is such a gamble when you buy a house or you move into a new place and you don't you don't know what your neighbor situation is going to be. You're really lucky if you don't have something like this.

Because I think in every place we've ever lived, there's always been one maniac that ruins your experience. Of course. Oh, remember, like, how do you like your life, Jenny? That was Redondo. We had the woman cooking her stinky Lithuanian food through the walls in Silver Lake. Carondelet or the Rampart Division.

What do we have there? I like that I could hear her come. She would come sometimes grow loud. Our our neighbor at on dead on what's it called Silver Lake. Silver Lake, yeah. She fucked up through the walls, right through the walls. She really would throw down. Yeah, she knew how to come hard.

She did. And then she would run on her treadmill, too. Remember, nice and early, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, like, Jesus Christ, fucking idiot. I would have smashed a guitar over her head if I could easily. Such an asshole. I get it, though. Neighbors are the worst, aren't they?

It's terrible. Yeah, she was she was going through a divorce. Remember? Oh, that's why she was fucking everybody through the walls. Yeah. But remember the do you like your life, Jenny? Like that guy, I wanted to murder him daily. He was the worst neighbor I have ever

had. He would blast his dumb music. He would blow snot rockets by our window at 6 in the morning. And then swim his dumb donkey laps in his pool. Yeah, that was that. And then smoke his pot and get drunk. That was how he would wake up. So every morning when he, during the week, work week,

he would get up in, like, 5.30, 6. You would hear a big splash. He would jump into his pool. And he would swim laps. And then he would go like, like, clean out his nose. And our windows right there. Yeah, so we were like, ugh. So you'd hear the splash, then the snot rockets.

And then he'd be like, ugh. Like, just. Oh, and then come the weekend. Weekend. He would party every weekend. Margaritaville. And it was the same soundtrack. He had a playlist.

Yes. Same playlist every weekend. Every and the worst Jimmy Buffett nonsense. Jimmy Buffett and then like some Led Zeppelin. And like it was the same song, some Eagles songs. And you're like, here we go. And then, you know, yeah, he'd drink it up, smoke. Yeah, with his kids.

See, in their adult children, we'd get ripped together. And then you hear those donkeys laughing until two in the morning. It was fucking awesome. And we, and it was. I know you're half retarded. And we didn't have air conditioning. So we'd have to sleep with our windows open in the summer.

And I'd hear these dickheads out there laughing. I don't know how many times I poke my head over. So many times. Like, dude, it's Sunday, the Lord's Day. Now, see, here's the funny thing of this video. She is the guy with the guitar because she's much more comfortable. Very aggressive with the neighbor.

Yeah. That's why I like him. I get it. I would fucking do this in a minute. You're dumb. She leaned over that wall a few times. Hey, guys, we got to work. You don't mind.

Yeah. And I was pregnant. And they're doing Margaritaville. And I'm trying to sleep. Oh, OK. Oh, hell no. They were drunk. They were boozebags, man.

They were. And thank God our son was born in winter time. We had Ellis because otherwise, we'd have to sleep with our windows open and my baby can't sleep because you're partying. Man, I wanted to kill those assholes. It's so rude. It was rude.

I hate rude people. They were rude. Things have been so weird the last few days. It's so bizarre. What's going on? Anything? No, it's just like to see a living in Los Angeles, seeing streets empty, seeing commercial areas just

completely, you see two, three people walking around. It's just bizarre. There is this funny thing, though, right now where I do feel like there is this unspoken sense of togetherness in a weird way. It is actually nice to see because for all the reports about greedy people and hoarders and snag and everything up, I think a lot of people are actually very considerate.

It's nice to see. Tommy, I got to say, I would never have expected you to share such a kind thought right now. I swear to God, I was waiting for the bit. I was like, I better be quiet. He's going to queue this up for a video of some guy pissing on a girl or violence or something. No, I'm serious.

This is a sincere thought in your head. It is a sincere thought in my head, yeah. And I actually, I really enjoy it. I mean, it makes me feel good to know that so many people are thinking of other people. I think so, too. I love Angelinos. We've always come together in times of crisis.

1994, we had an earthquake. People came together. We had the riots. People came together. We've had fires. We've had Kobe Bryant's death. And we've always come together, Angelinos. I think this is a great city.

It's not only Angelinos. I think it's nationwide and worldwide where people are. Oh, fuck everyone else. It's just not Los Angeles doesn't count. Well, I tend to think of the whole group. And there's a lot of things you can do. You can be considerate of, especially the older, vulnerable population right now.

When you shop, it's not going away. You don't have to panic shop. Like, you can get that out of your system now. Yeah. You know, it's just try to help out where you can, you know? We're still ordering out, trying to help people. Trying to help people by ordering out. I ordered Chinese food on purpose just to send a message.

I'm not afraid. We ordered it to the studio. Yeah, you can order groceries as a group. You can send one person to buy. Yeah. That's a nice thought. Yeah, if you're going out in your building, hey, check on the old person.

You need something. There's water from the tap is clean to drink, so you don't have to buy tons of water from the store. That's a good point. Yeah. And you can see, I don't know, you can jerk off in groups. That's right.

That's always encouraged in times of crisis. I think I heard Dr. Fauci say that. You can ration your lube. You can put some on your stuff and then reach over to your neighbor and put it on theirs. The CDC recommends circle jerks right now. That is a big thing. Speaking of jerks and speaking of circles of it,

this is a really exciting video. I don't need you to make me come. OK, you want to know what I need? I need you. When you finish on my body, I need you to go grab a fucking towel from the bathroom and wipe it off me so I don't fucking drip like a candle all over your bed.

Yeah, finally. You know, I've been waiting for women to articulate this thought. I have never articulated it, but she's right. Just letting me fucking trip. That's all I want. All I require is towel delivery service. That's all that it takes to have me come back over

at a later time. Give me the goddamn fucking towel. I have come all over my face. OK, that's so rude. It is disgusting when somebody can just come on you and then they just walk away and go play clash of clans on their phone. No, bitch, get in your fucking towel.

She is right. I like her a lot. I like her a lot, too. I think she's really cool. All these feminists, no one's saying what's really important. Yeah. She's the Betty Friedan. That magenta one I saw when I took a shit earlier in here.

I want you to go bring that one to me right now and wipe your semen off me. She's right. You know, I also like her eyeliner. It kind of reminds me of mine in my new special ball hog. God damn it. It's out today. Oh, it's out.

It came out yesterday. Then the makeup ordeal has been a lot of fun. God damn it. This fucking thing, man. I got fucked on this. No. Motherfucker. So I shot a ball hog in November in Austin

at the Moody Theater, Austin City Limits, show up. So for most people that don't know, when you're a guy and you show up on a production, any type of production, TV, film, you know, being a guest on talk shows, there's always a two-step thing. Wardrobe, makeup, right? So you go, what are you wearing? You get into your wardrobe and then they go,

go to the makeup trailer or the chair, whatever. Every movie, every TV show, every special. Conan O'Brien wears it. All the guys, you know. Everybody. Everybody's wearing it. So I don't, I've never have thought about it and I've also never given input.

I've never been like, oh, today, if you don't mind, I'm looking for a little spritz of this and a brush of that. Like, you just sit in the chair and it's 90% of the time it's a woman, 95% of the time. And you just talk to people as they're powdering you up and you're like, yeah, yeah, sort of. So it's my special. I have, I get in wardrobe.

They clean my beard, hair, and then there's a makeup artist. And she's just like, OK, I'm like, yeah, just, I don't know. Do whatever you do. I don't even talk, I don't even worry about it. I just start talking to other people. And there's a lot going on. When we shot that, there was a big problem with Yonder. The phone case that they take your phone.

So it's 2,600 people at each show. And they're like, there's one line and their ticketing system's outdated. So people were waiting like, I don't know. So there's all this chaos of that. And then I'm talking to the director of photography about the lighting and then the director. I'm just talking to people about different things.

This lady finishes my makeup. I mean, I see everybody I know, my agent, my manager. The Netflix has five executives there. There's Josh Potter is there. I'm seeing people. I'm talking to people. Nobody says a word to me about my face. And I don't recognize it.

I don't look at my face enough. I don't, you know, there's days where I walk around where you're like, are you going to wipe that off your face? I'm like, I haven't even looked at my face today. So I tape the first show and then the second show. I still don't know anything. And then we go out to have a drink afterwards. And as I'm having the drink, I'm taking photos with people.

And when I take one myself and when I look at my own photo on my phone, I go, oh, shit. And people are with me like, what? I'm like, is this what I look like? Like I'm seeing it for the first time on the phone. And they're like, you look fine. I'm like, this doesn't look fine to me. And I'm like, Jesus, man.

Immediately, I'm like, is this normal? And they're like, yeah, yeah, you look great. I'm like, oh, boy. And then I get into the color correction. And I'm like, this looks fucked up. And we do a whole color correction at like a top coloring place in Los Angeles. It looks OK.

And then they put it on YouTube. And I'm like, this looks really fucked up. And they're like, actually, this doesn't match the master. So then I have to go back to the color house. And they pull up on the same device, the file we delivered, and what's on YouTube. And they don't match. So I'm like, well, what's that?

And the guy goes, oh, I've been doing this 20 years. I've never seen that. I'm like, oh, that's cool. It's a fun thing to be a first that. So we do 10 more color sessions, 12 total. Literally. Going back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth. Does this one look normal?

Yeah. Christina, look at this one. Yeah, yeah. You call other people in. Does this look normal? I start sending it to people. Like, what do you think of this? And people are like, do you just drink Kool-Aid?

I'm like, no. Yeah. Yeah, it was insane. Nutty. So then you have like, the colorist is literally telling me things that they're doing. I'm like, yeah, but why does it look like this on this? And they're like, I don't know.

I've never had someone go like, I don't know why it looks bad on this one and good on this one. I'm like, all right, man. So at a certain point, they sent me so many different things to look at. I just go, dude, just put it up. I mean, I don't know what else to say. I still can't believe that all those people around me,

nobody was like, you look kind of insane right now. I know. What bothers me is I think because you were surrounded. This is just my theory. You were surrounded by dudes. And dudes are not going to be like, let me look at your face. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because if I had fucking been there and I saw that,

I'd be like, what is she doing? This is crazy. Because that's my job. I feel like I failed you as a wife because I wasn't there. And you're the first person that I feel like should be heckled by the audience. Me? I wasn't there.

I wish I could have been there. I would have put a stop to. Yeah. No, there's not much more I can do. It's just fucking, it's just up. And that's the story. So for people that are like, why is their makeup? Because makeup is standard.

I mean, I did four movies last year. You go to the makeup trailer. I did a couple television shows. But it's usually, like I said, like for a guy, they do the powder. And then there's last looks before you go on stage. Like Drew came in here yesterday and we shot Dr. Dr. Dark.

He had makeup on because he had just come from CNN or something or whatever or he had done television. I just never had it go sideways. Because they usually put on men under eye stuff for your dark circles. And then to tone your skin so that you're not pink. But she just went over. I don't know why she gave you so much.

It wasn't necessary. It was fucking crazy. Yeah, it's like powder. It's literally so, the reason they do it so you're not sweating during production and you don't look like a sweating beast. You don't look all Burt Kreischer. Oh, what?

Did you see what I just did there? I invented. They take the shine down off your face just to make sure you're not looking crazy. Imagine how much of a Nazi I'm gonna be moving forward. Yeah, as you should be concerned with your appearance. Oh my God. Every time they're gonna be like,

and when you go to make, I'll go, I don't do make, like, oh my God. You're gonna be all traumatized? Oh yeah. I thought, I knew it right. So when we brought to their attention that it looks, yeah, we were like, this looks insane. Netflix took down the trailer, right?

They took down the trailer from their platform, from YouTube, all those, and then somebody reposted the trailer and they cut me out of my parts talking, and they posted. I'm not diminishing pet love. Pet love is real. I have a dog that I adore.

This one I thought was funny. But here's the difference between my love for that dog and my kids. If that dog were to hurt. It's a fucking gaysha. It's immediately and without question. God damn it. The amount of makeup shit

that's gonna be sent to me now. That's how it goes. Yeah. God damn it. So that's the story. That's why there's makeup. That's why there's, there really was a makeup issue and a coloring issue.

And they did 12 passes of color on this, which I've never heard of being done ever. Never. I mean, the director of the special, he directs a lot of commercials and he does a lot of special effects and he does music videos. And he sent me a message,

like when we were going through one of the last ones, he's like, I've never seen anything like this happen before. And I was like, it feels good. It's so horrible. And like, you know, you're so focused on just shooting your specials. You don't want to be thinking about how you look that day.

That's why you have a team of people so that they do it for you and you trust them. And I feel like that bitch fucked you up. And I'm gonna go fucking cut her and make up her fucking face. I'm gonna tattoo that Juggalo stuff on her face. And by the way, when I talk to them, I talked to the whole group of people that were there.

I'm like, how did you guys not, nobody said shit. Say anything and they're like, we didn't notice. Guys, that's because they're dudes. You don't notice anything. Yeah, yeah, so. Can I tell you what's hilarious though? The complete opposite happens to me when I shoot anything.

All it is is how I look. That's all anybody cares about. Girl, you look great. I got like, look, look, look. And I'm like, what about my jokes? It's funny, literally I had a makeup artist on my first special. He was doing my makeup and he goes, you look great.

I'm like, that's okay. As long as my jokes go well. And he goes, like anybody's listening to what you're gonna say, literally, literally. And I was like, you know what, I'm a stand-up comic, right? Like I'm not a stripper. Yeah, well actually it makes me think of, it makes me empathize more with women.

That's horrible. Because I realized that so many people were like, look at your fucking face. And you're like, yeah, I've never, no one's ever pointed that out to me before, you know? No one's ever been like, oh, your face, your eyes, you know, no one says that to you. So when it's happening to you, you're like,

Jesus, is this all you're thinking about? And they're like, yeah, yeah, that's all we're looking at, your fucking face. It's all people give a shit about. Like when I put out a special, it's all the comments are how great you look. And it's like, but what about these jokes I've crafted for the last three years?

I hope I get a lot of messages just about my looks. Oh, you will. Welcome to my world, bitch. Someone else did a fucking, what is it called? A poster where they put the special with the Netflix logo, and then they just put John Wayne Gacy

wearing his clown makeup. Oh, how dare they? I won't say it. He's like waving. It is a really, really funny special. It's so, I think it's your best yet. I think they get better and better. Yeah, no, it is the best.

And I'm so excited people can see it. Yeah, me too. Yeah, and thanks everyone for watching it. If you're watching it, please share it with your friends and tell people about it. It always helps to get like that referral stuff, you know? Like email, text, you know, just send it to your friends. Have people spread awareness about it.

It really helps a lot actually. But they have to do makeup on you when you do these shows because you're under so many lights and stuff. If you don't do it, you just sweat and look like shit. I've never heard of it not being done. Yeah, it's like a given. You have to, otherwise you're gonna look, and plus the camera's so close on you,

they see every imperfection, every pore. You don't want people seeing your eye bags and shit. You know, another weird thing that's happening now, speaking of like touring and everything and stand-up, is we don't get to do stand-up, period. I know. For like, I'm not saying make a living all that, which is definitely done,

but like we don't even get to do the reps. Which is so weird. And most of us will never have gone this long without doing stand-up, you know what I mean for them. Like, because they're not opening the clubs up for we know the rest of this month, the rest of next month. So, if you think about that, having that break is just, it is such a shift.

We can't, you don't get to practice it. You can't practice it without the audience. I know, you can't be alone in practice. I'm gonna go crazy, because I get to get, I get real angry when I don't do stand-up for a while. Yeah, of course. Does this, you think this is possibly why the Wuhan started?

That's terrible. That's terrible. Seriously? Seriously? Seriously? You gonna stand there on the floor with your boots? Oh my God. And I'm filming that scene.

No, you're watching. That's terrible. Oh, you watch it? So it's okay, now you're gonna kick it? Okay, that's bad. That's the cookie, please don't bother. Yeah. Oh.

And I don't want to be, you know, judgmental. Sure. But he looks like the kind of people that started it, you know. Oh. You stand, if you're listening, he is at a grocery store standing with his boots on fish. Yeah. Like he's fixing something in the electrical, like in the wall, and he's standing on

fish. Yeah, he's creating a succulent Chinese meal. He is creating it. It's gonna get us all sick. A succulent Chinese meal. Bats. Did you eat fucking bats when you were there in a dove? Just snake.

No, Christina, just snake and turtle shell. Oh my God. This literally, it's Nadav's fault. And when did you come back around December? Right around when the outbreaks started happening in the states. Interesting. Yeah. Interesting.

And you were feeling a little weak on the plane. Oh, not a little. You were fucked up open. Yeah, it sucked. Did you have a cough? Fatigue. Not cough, but body aches. I was gonna go to like the counterfeit markets on my last day and I didn't because I felt

so shitty. Oh, that must have been a big blow to you because you love your counterfeit. I really do. It's actually kind of a bummer that I've been wearing all this Danny gear because like I really miss wearing my supreme jacket. You really, really got into that. Jesus man. Check this out, Gene.

This is from. The top. Stupid. Look at everyone else just standing there. Of course. Where is that? Do you know where that is? It looks like Africa.

Yeah. What makes you say that? Because everybody's black. Like African looking black, not like American looking. Like all skinny and stuff. Have you heard of them? And their language and stuff. Are you listening?

I've been to Africa. I can say that. I have been to Africa. Just for the record, I've been to Djibouti. Yep. I've been to South Africa. Yeah. Yeah.

Let's note by the way. Ethiopia. That you. You. World traveler. You celebrated when the bite happened. Yeah. Don't fuck with lions, dipshit.

Why is he putting his hand in there for? What are you crazy? He did put his hand into a cage. First of all, they usually don't let you get that close to the lions. Right. What country would they let you get super close to a lion in? Perhaps not one with strict laws and stuff. Maybe an underdeveloped nation.

Yeah. Yeah. And this motherfucker also put his hand into the cage. He lost that hand for sure. Sure. Got a bad bite. That dude is fucked. Yep.

Oh, shit. That was great. That was great. He's so fucking dead. Can we see it again? I want to see the lion get his hand again. You want to see it again? Mm-hmm.

Okay. This was on TikTok too. What the fuck is he doing? Why would you put your hand in it? See? Yeah. Everyone's got their phones there. Check them out.

This dude's going to lose his hand right now. Stupid. Little kid leaning in. Yeah. Wouldn't that be awesome to see it at the zoo if you were a little kid? Oh my God. You will never forget that day. We went to the zoo with my family on the weekend and then we saw the lion eat a man.

I know. Wow. Yeah. I do like a third world zoo though. They do cool shit, man. They don't give a fuck. They'll like unleash goats in the fucking lion den. They're like, watch this.

Well, remember? The worst zoo is on the planet. Oh, yeah. Remember when we were in Africa? Oh, God. Don't depress me. And they're like, you need to go on a safari out here. I was like, no, I don't.

Yeah. I don't need to be driving up next to the lion's shit. Well, theirs are actually, that is top tier stuff. Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The African safaris and stuff. Trust that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel like I don't need to. I got it. Yeah. This is not South Africa. See that shit on TV. No, this is some other. No. What I want to show you, there's something great here.

Well, first, what's this Garth? Because the Garth shit is just, I keep forgetting about Garth and then I go to his comments and I'm like, oh my God, it's never slowed down. Not even a little bit. Wait. Before we go. Yeah. It's never special.

Oh, yeah. We haven't even talked about that. That's true. It's called ball hog. Yes. Isn't that a wonderful homage to your mom's house? It is. I mean, it's obviously a tip of the cap to everybody here.

Of course. It's a dream, man. I mean, I got to do this incredible show and have the support of all you guys in Netflix, but yeah. Hi, I'm Peyton Lafferty and I'm a ball hog. That's the best part is that you guys know the reference. Yeah. And all this press got canceled, but I was so excited to have all these talk show hosts

and everyone be like, don't forget to check out ball hog right now. I just was super excited about it. Yeah. Peyton Lafferty. Peyton Lafferty. And I'm a ball hog. Who is this other one? Hi.

I'm Searson. Searson. And I'm a ball hog. I just love picturing that day arriving to set. What are we doing? We're doing ball hogs. Say your name, say that you are one, and then just go to town on his balls. Try to get it going.

We got lunch coming here pretty soon. Yeah. Really proud. I'm very proud of it actually, the special. Your special is outstanding. Listen, I came to watch it in New York when you did it in a theater there and it was just people were dying. I was dying.

I've seen it a few times. It's fantastic, Tommy. Thank you. You should be really proud of it. I'm really proud of you. Yeah. And we had to cut it down. Remember, we were trying to, for time wise, they only wanted you to have it a certain

time code and we could not find bits to take out. It was just that good. Yeah. No, it was really hard. It was exciting to do. All right. Look, I know that you're the king. The queen.

Queen. Don't gender me. Sorry. But I got to tell you something. I think there's a new TikTok sheriff in town. And his name is Tom. Excuse me? I heard you bitches was looking for me.

I made him. Wait. I never. What? Dude. I sent Nadav my talks to surprise you with. No. Trader.

And look at them shaking their heads. Tretary. They're both shaking their heads. You guys. Why don't you say something? When I started prepping these and he was in the room and he was shaking his head, it's like, man, Christina's really going rough with this batch. Like these, these might supersede the level of your talk.

If you close your eyes, it's almost as if Christina has curated this batch. Oh my God. What? Did you get into dark talks? Is that where you're at now? Are you in the dark talk? Why don't we just press play? I got to see what you came up with.

Okay. Why don't we press play? For your information, maybe I'm not into women either. Men. Women. Children. Yo. I don't care about any of y'all.

I ain't none of y'all. Got it? He's really, I mean, it never stops with him. Well, I've noticed the progression, the evolution. It was, I'm not gay, I'm bisexual, I'm not into children. And now he's doing this thing where he fake yells, which, I'm not into. It's just now. It's weird.

It's weird. He lives with his parents. Of course. And I'm going to guess he has a little talk to himself. Well, I just wanted to warm this up for you because that's really is. Is this just an aperitif? What is it called? What's the appetizer?

I just, you know, all I did, I just turned the engine on. That's all I did. Oh, wow. We haven't done. An amuse-bouche. Yeah. I can't wait. They need to bring it back, whipping kids ass or what they need bringing it back because

kids don't have respect for people nowadays. Like bullying people and making people commit suicide. That's what, they need a good ass whipping. That's what they need. Let me tell you something, Tom. You know, there is no prouder moment in the master's life when the apprentice, the apprentice surpasses her work. You're proud right now?

This is why we're married. This is why we're been together for so long. I'm so happy you finally came to the dark side of the talk for us. Thank you. Thank you. That was outstanding. Thank you. She's got real, and here's what I love about this talk.

You spit out your drink. Into my cheese snacks, which I didn't want to ruin. What I like best is, A, the framing, terrible. Yeah. B, she doesn't take care of herself. That's evident. But C, the message is strong. It's stupid as fuck, yeah.

It's so dumb. Bring back bullying. Yeah. It's pretty good. Someone is telling me I should not post any more videos. I have a tick-tock account, and I think I make videos every time I want to, or use their content, and everything. And you know what?

I could do whatever I want. And everything. Guys, you won't believe what's so stupid, right? My teacher makes us watch a video of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Are you kidding me? That is the most weirdest shit to ever watch. What am I, a two-year-old? No, I'm a freaking teenager, like, only babies watch that shit because it's for younger

kids. I'm a freaking teenager now, so why are you making me watch this shit? Why is he like a fuck yourself? Well, if he knows the f-word, he probably is too old to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. That's true. Yeah. But I think Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is at his level. Man, I am not done.

Let's keep going. Wow. You went down a... A tick-tock. I apologize in advance. This is one type of exception. But excuse my language, okay? I don't give a fuck what my dad thinks of me.

I don't have to do my fucking chores, okay? I didn't want to have to cuss on tick-tock like this, but I'm fucking pissed. This is a one-time thing that I'm doing this. So I'm going to have to repent after this tick-tock because I am pissed off. My dad and I were having a good week, and then he saw the crustop dresser, and he fucking yelled at me. No, I've got repentance to do after this video. Wow.

Listen, you got a lot of good stuff in this one. Yeah. His prepubescent mustache. You know what, though? You really have gone down a dark way. You've gone, dare I say, darker than the talks I've gone. There seems to be a prevailing theme in your work. Which is?

You tell me. You're the artist. To all the people who call me a pig, that's mis-piggy to you, bitch. And to all the people that's bullying me. Bitch, please, I made a doom. Spinal meningitis, I can handle you. What would you call this theme that you're working with, Tom? If we were to put this in a museum, what's the theme?

Great tick-tocks. Mm-hmm. Funny banter. There's no... There's my tip to being fucking awesome on TikTok. First of all, fuck you. Second of all, get that gun out. Third of all, make sure you get your fucking titty pierced.

Third. No, sir. It just ends there. What's up, cunts? First of all, fuck you. Skitzo bonkings, isn't it? What up, cunts? There's my tip to being fucking awesome on TikTok.

First of all, fuck you. Second of all, get that gun out. Third of all, make sure you get your fucking titty pierced. Third. So, wait, you were saying that you don't see a difference between his curations and mine at this point, because I think his are a little strong in one lane. Mine are a little diverse.

Okay, I'm not done, though. Oh, I'm sorry. Everybody, I'm the CEO of TikTok. Everybody misses me on TikTok. I'm back, and I voted this morning for Joe Biden. Thank you, and have a great day, and make sure you wash your hands. Don't get the coronavirus.

Okay. That was yours, Christina. That was Christina's. Thank you. Well, did you know that's the CEO of TikTok? I did not know. Did you hear what he said? I did not know.

He said he's the CEO of TikTok. Play it again. I saved my last two. Oh, shit. My favorite. See, normally I'm against the Down syndrome community voting, but I think he made a good choice in this case. That's in my opinion.

What? Nothing. Do you want to see the other one? All right, go. All right. Shout out to my men for showing me this little challenge joint. So, look, say both of your arms, right? Bring this one backwards, and as you're doing this,

bring this one forward. So, you got to try to do it at the same. I can't do that shit. Let me know if I can do it. There you go. There's a lot happening in this video. There's a lot happening. Everyone's trying.

Everyone's trying, but are we really looking at the thing we should be looking at? Yeah, can you do the backwards and the forward at the same time? What about, how about wearing a t-shirt? Hey, why don't you have a sip of your drink? No, no, no, no. Oh, boy. You ready? I'm tired from this feed.

Okay, this is the last one. Here we go. Okay, I'm going to explain why I have these two dolls. I am mentally retarded. Also known as special needs. I may not look it, but I am. And I have these two dolls because I can't have kids. I can't get married, nor can I have a job.

Now I know there are some special needs people out there that have jobs. I can't get one because I have anger issues. I lose my temper really, really quick. And so if you do not like the content that I put out with these two dolls, don't like it or comment on it. It's that simple. Just keep scrolling. Okay, let me tell you something.

I found this woman about a week ago too, and when she said, I can't have kids, I went, okay, this was funny up until that. I shouldn't share this with the audience. So I think, I think if I'm mentally retarded. I think if I had to define our comedic differences, that's where we differ on our curative talents. Okay.

I went, gosh, that's sad. I shouldn't make fun of her. And you went, this one's the closer in my eyes. You know what I love is that at first you weren't on board and now you're deeper and darker into it. You want to know something that's really crazy and I'm not lying to you. My whole curation took two and a half minutes.

I just went like, I was like, that's crazy. Swiped again. That's crazy. Swiped again. That's crazy. Well, that's called, that's once you've mastered your algorithm. My algorithm is madness. These were all in a row.

I didn't have to like, figure and filter through it. That's when you're doing the Lord's work. Because people ask me, how long does it take you? I'm like, not long. Once you've gotten that algorithm tight. First of all, fuck you. First of all, fuck you. Fuck you.

Yeah, I think I am. I am going to start, I'm going to follow your lead and I'm going to start looking at these talks pre-show. Yeah. Get myself in a funny mood. 100%. Nadav noted to me, he goes, I notice that you, I get these in at a certain time

and it's usually when you're getting ready to go on stage. I have to do whatever I want. And it puts me in the right head space. Yeah. Yeah. I look at it in the morning, first thing while I'm taking a dump. I love it. It just puts me in a good mood.

Put up cunts. Why have these dolls? Because I am mentally retarded. That's my favorite. It's like, I can't, you know, you know what she does on her feed though? I have anger issues. And secondly, No, I get anger.

She started to say issues and she forgot the words. I get anger quickly. Yeah. Now, here's the thing. Her feed, because I took a deep dive with her, she only does shout outs. So she'll be like, show so and so some love. So she doesn't actually create enough content.

Oh, well, this was, this is enough to keep me satisfied for a while. This, this vote, this video is amazing. I am mentally retarded. Listen to that deep laugh he has when he gets dastardly dog laugh. That's when he always really happy. You're so pleased with yourself. I'm not retarded. Retarded, retarded.

Oh, man. I mean, very retarded. When you play my favorite lady again, the first one you did, the one that made me spit my drooling water. Oh, which one is she though? She's the one that threatens you. I'm gonna threaten you. Oh, the bully.

The quarter lady. They need to bring her back whipping kids ass or what they need bringing back because kids don't have respect for people nowadays. Like bullying people and making people commit suicide. That's what they need a good ass whipping. That's what they need. This chick's smart.

Yeah. She's got it figured out. That was pretty good. Oh, the world is a wonderful place. Now, did you hear that TikTok is going to start banning these people? Like they're going to cleanse the, the demos here. They're going to start taking out the mentally challenged and the unattractives. There goes my business.

But I have been a champion of the marginalized for a very long time. That's what I do. Also, which one of these dolls should I do a video with? Yeah, Superman or Batman. Jesus. Okay. Oh, before we go. Lastly, just a quick mention that since this special just came out,

we have a new merch associated with the special few shirts. If you want to check it out, they're all at merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura, as are the new run NRE shirts. If you're for my poly people, you want to let the world know that we are not ashamed of that new relationship energy. That shirt is for us. It's for our community. And then there's also the soccer souffle stuff is out there.

Soccer souffle. There's a t-shirt and a hoodie. Anyways, very exciting stuff all at merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura. NRE. Is there anything better than that NRE, Tom? No, the NRE feels so good. Nothing makes me happier when you find me. When I see you're going through it is when I get the happiest.

That's when I'm the most happy. Oh, my God. So ridiculous. First of all, fuck you. First of all, fuck you. How will this be affecting PissSpots guy? I hope that he has not self quarantined that much. I'm going to guess he's not really into some of the suggestions.

God. I'm so looking forward to a new episode. Oh, they're out there. That's the thing is that if you're sitting at home quarantine and you're like, man, I wish there was more PissSpots. I think there are. So go ahead and get ready to binge all week on PissSpots. Coming up, our guest today.

We're very excited to have him. He is absolutely hilarious. We've been wanting to have him on for a while and it finally came together. Tim Dillon. Check him out. His social media is insanely funny as is his stand up. And the dude is just he's a natural that conversing. And oh, yeah, we should probably just like he's just a great guy on Mike.

You should definitely you'll enjoy the episode. We should mention for all those of you who have tickets to see either one of us, our whole business is kind of reeling from the, you know, the effects of this pandemic. So right now things are being they were moved initially from March to April, April to May. Just follow us on Twitter or Instagram and we'll keep posting updates as we get them. I was just told today that, you know, I had I had moved my my shows from last week to April. And obviously that doesn't make sense anymore. So now they're looking to move those ice house shows into June.

And they're moving a bunch of other shows into June and July and August. That's that's, you know, because everything we're learning from kind of moment to moment. So instead of like trying to give you the the date of the moment right now, I'll just tell you that follow us on social media or right there. You're it will all be rescheduled. It's just a scramble right now for them to find dates and availability and ask me about the. The only the one that was kind of up in the air is the May Vegas shows. And as of now, they're considered on because the the Vegas casinos plan on opening mid May.

So I mean, this is I'm telling you the latest update as of that I know as of the recording of this. So that might that might change. Yeah, this is Vegas, baby. As of St. Patty's Day. That's the announcement they made. It could change again. So just follow us there again. Thank you for watching.

Thank you for listening to us. Enjoy this episode with Tim Dillon. Hope you guys are all well and we'll see you next week. My jeans keep them high and tight and safe. Hey guys, please go to merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura and check out my new ball hog merch. Imagine how many psychopathic doctors are like, you know, the greatest really is telling people they're going to die. Yeah. And they just they keep it inside though.

You gotta be people that get off. Have to. Because I know that I like my aunt loves bad news. Yeah, she just loves it like with something. No, like we just grew like she would have a story at Christmas always about a kid who ate a rock and a playground and died. She loved it. She was her her face would light up because she got to deliver you bad news. That is a thing.

Oh, yeah. You know, we have a little bridge in our town. We grew up and we jump off into the water and my aunt would like always have a story. She goes, you know, one guy did that. Now he's paralyzed. Yeah. So she so there's got to be people like her that just whether they know it or not. Yeah, they're so excited to be like it's stage three, but it's looking like stage four.

It's a stage three that feels like a four. You're totally right. Yeah. There is a perverse excitement in I mean, even for for like whatever, there's there's the angels that walk around that don't like delivering. Yeah. I think most people you kind of get to go like, Hey, do you hear about, you know, Ronnie got fired? And you're telling me by some people, you mean this person right here? A little bit.

But that's gossip. It's gossip. It's a version of gossip. But it's also it means things are happening. Yeah. Things are happening. Gossip is a thrill. Yeah.

It's a thrill. Things are happening. I've always wanted to be in a relationship with somebody that was dying like a great summer relationship. Yes. And then you learn so much about life. And in September, you focus on your career. Yeah. Yeah.

You go through like a whole cycle with it. Just a beautiful. I got to tell you something. I might actually be into having an affair with a dying woman. Hello. I mean, no, no, I'm coming back. I'm coming back home. But I'm saying just for a little while, I just, you know, there's it's a fling.

It's she's about to die. They're not going to be as hot as when they're totally healthy. Well, I'm going to start it like at the beginning of the end. Yeah. So like she's kind of holding it together. There's something beautiful about the idea of making a connection with someone and then having them taken from you. Yeah.

By force, it's not, you know, it's poetic. It is truly beautiful. Yeah. Truly. You guys are really sick. Well, I mean, it's just there's something nice about it. That's why all these movies. Yeah.

I hate those movies. I cannot wait. Love them. If the premise is and she has cancer or and I'm like, I'm out. I'm gone. As soon as there's as soon as Meryl Streep is eating soup. I'm in. I'm in.

The head per chief. Oh, I just want to see people die. And then I'm like, life, life does matter, dude. Yeah. I should write more. I got to say, I really think he's on to like there has got to be some. It's not a handful. So many doctors who they'll never say it.

They keep it inside, but they love getting the blood work back and they're like in. Oh, okay. And then they go in like, oh, Tim, everything. All right. Got to tell you some real bad news. It doesn't make you feel alive. I'm sure it makes you feel alive. I bet they feel so alive to tell you because they're holding your death warrant in their

hands as they're, you know, with it, you know, sipping a smoothie. Yeah. And then they get to sit down and fucking worse way to receive that. It'd be the worst. Yeah. And then they're like, hold on a second. But it's also like they, you know, they don't have that personal attachment to it because it's their career.

It's their job. They have to be detached. So they're just like, Hey, you're dying. Yeah. Can I tell you what my new joy is? Yeah. Is saying no to people because I recently just after we have toddlers and so you say no all day long.

Yeah. And I think I've really acquired an enjoyment now of like, no, I don't really want to do that or no. It takes work. It takes work and practice. Most people aren't naturally like just born with the skill of saying no to things they don't want to do. It takes years to master.

Yeah. I came from a mother who would just start with no, like she would start negatively and be like, here's what I won't do. Like I swear to God, she'd go to a restaurant and go, I'll tell you what I won't have. She's that. She's just that type of negative, bitter, resentful creature put on earth to make everyone's life horrible. And to make you funny.

Well, she's, she's, she's a schizophrenic now. So she's kind of not as miserable as she should be because her brain is evolved into like, you know, but she, I grew up under her. So like, I'm like, Oh, you just say no. You just complain. Yeah. Like I always complain. Yeah.

Like when it was not, not in like a mean way, but if something's wrong, I'm like, Hey, no good. Right. Yeah. No good. Are you good though? Are you good at, you know, like you just moved to LA a little while ago. So you know, there's a lot of people that are like, Oh, hey man, well, you want, you

want to do my show? And let's say a show you don't want to do. Are you, are you comfortable with like, Nope. Oh yeah. I go, Oh, I'm not going to do that. Oh, you just tell it. Yeah. That's a dog park and Echo Park.

I'm not going to do that. And you're good at that. I will do that. Yeah. Okay. You know, I mean, I, yeah, I will do, I will let a, I will to a fault. Yeah. Be honest like that.

And tell people that you won't do their podcast. To a fault. Yeah. Well, no. See what, like sometimes like Dr. Drew, I lied and I said that because I totally forgot. I was supposed to do Dr. Drew. I totally forgot. And then you wait.

And I wanted to do Dr. Drew. I totally forgot. Right. Okay. So I was like, Oh no, what would Trump do think like Trump, think like Trump, so I wrote back. Hey man, I think I was like, my mother is dying or something. I was like, Hey, my mom's really sick and I had to go back to Long Island, you know,

which anyone who knows me, even if she was, I would not have gone. Yeah. So I would have done Dr. Drew. My mother has no followers, nothing. And I had no social media. So I, I sent it to him and then I realized I like five minutes earlier and then I sent it and I'm like, I'm going to be okay. And then I realized five minutes earlier, there's a photo of me on the beach in, in like

a redondo beach or wherever. Oh yes. So then I was like, Oh, I'm probably, I'm banned from your mom's house. And then you said, because you said like once you, you put the lie out there, then you got to just let, you got to be deep in the lie. You got to go deep in the lie. You got to try. And I lie because I care.

This is what people don't realize. If I didn't care, I would say, Hey dude, I forgot who cares. I lie because I cared and I respect like Drew's a real deal dude and like I should have done the show. So me using my month, it's like, hello, like I'm using my mother's health as a way to justify not being at this thing. Yeah, it's brilliant. You know what I mean?

Will you do Drew now? Yeah. I mean, I don't know if I'd be back. I don't know. He's probably not happy. I think about this. Oh, he will. But he needs to understand.

We're comedians. We're all shitbags. And I'm a liar. I mean, I don't want to put that on being a comedian. But like, you know, I'm a comedian. I can't tell the truth. Yeah. But, uh, yes.

I mean, sometimes I do lie. Oh, and Drew thought you were a drug addict. Yeah. He thought I was like on drugs or something, but that's his world. So for him, he's like, oh, there's lying. Yeah. I'm probably being a drug addict. That's what I should have said.

I should have said I had a massive relapse. We almost always introduce our guests at the top, but we're so deep. No, no, we're so deep and into this conversation naturally, but the great Tim Dillon has recently moved here from New York. How long ago you moved from New York? I'm a bit a year in. You're a year in already. You're in LA already, but I was coming out here a lot before I officially moved to lay

the groundwork, to lay the lies, to lay the groundwork lies and deceit. Do you love it here? I love it here. I'm like, I'm so happy. No, it's not. I'm 35. I grew up in New York. I'm done with it.

I'm pumped. Yeah. Pumped to be in LA. How great is the weather, bro? The weather is great. The weather is underrated. People are attracted. I like the people.

You know, everyone in New York is like, yeah, everybody in LA, they're not real. I'm like, good. Yeah. What about? Stop burdening me with your problem. How about good? What does real mean? Miserable.

Yeah, be fake. Yeah. What about sex appeal? New York, you get to see people walking around. True. And it's also accessible because you're passing by them. Right? Yes.

You're on the subway together. You're walking to buildings together. Here, it happens at times, but you've got to get in your car or some type of transportation. Do you find that it's an attractive people city to you? The gross people in LA find me. So the grotesque people that are here will kind of find me, which I appreciate. The people that hang out at donut shops at 2 AM. People that live on the margins of society.

They'll find you. Yeah, they'll get me. You know, the rooftop pool people and me haven't yet, you know. But yeah, it's attractive. You see very attractive people here. You see very attractive people in New York. Yeah, you do. You know.

Models. You guys have more models, I think. We have more attractive men. You have more attractive women. Oh, interesting. Yeah, because New York dudes are finance guys, they're in suits, they're more attractive. LA men are dirt bags. Yeah.

They sell CBD. They're disgusting. That's true. What's appealing to you more? Dork guys are actual dudes. Like they're actual. But do you like the guys in the suits? Well, yeah, I mean, in a suit it means you have a job, you have a job.

So it's the whole appeal. Yeah, it's the whole appeal of somebody who's not. Yeah, because it's weird. Like a guy can walk in flip flops in a torn shirt and they're like, oh, you know, he's a fucking billion. Yeah, because in LA it's way lame to wear a suit. I know. Because you're like, what are you, a fucking nerd?

Yeah, it's true. You're considered a dork. But if you go down like the beach areas, you get the really good looking people. Yeah. And in Hollywood, you're kind of getting Hollywood's dirty. Yeah. Hollywood, even you're getting, you know, West Hollywood is primo gay dudes. I mean, aging gay guys.

Yeah. And then you have like Santa Monica, like the pier where it's like the Muscle Beach where it's like those guys are they're in such good shape, they've like cured themselves of AIDS. Yeah. Those guys all had AIDS in the 80s and then somehow they just beat it out by lifting it. Because you look at them, you look at their faces, you're like, oh, you had AIDS at one

point, but now they're fine. They see the gaunt cheeks. Oh, yeah. It's like, oh, you were done, but they just got buff. They had lesions, but they just fought it out. So I appreciate that. It's an amazing look sometimes when you see the AIDS face. Oh, yeah.

And you see the chest and everything here. That's all it is. All that. But the toothpick legs. Dude, all Venice beaches is buff body AIDS face. Yeah. That's true. That's what it is.

That's true. Now, West Hollywood used to be a mecca. A mecca. The one of the destinations of the world to go to, if you were trying to get down with dudes, I think it still is. Is it still as a pre-mode spot? I'm sure West Hollywood still is the Abbey, still the hot. I guess so.

I'm not a bar. I don't go to bars. I don't go to bars. I don't drink. What? Oh, that makes sense. And then how do you meet dudes? We're on the internet.

Oh, right. There's like grinder. Yeah. The internet is kind of easy. You don't really have to go out to a bar and, you know, and also what's Hollywood's like to have a gay like where it's like, I'm gay was Hollywood's insane gay. Like it's like a level. It's too much.

Well, it's just there's people riding like horses. It's like that scene in The Wizard of Oz where they're riding like the multicolored, like that's a horse of a different color. It's like just dudes riding purple horses down the street. It's like, I don't know what this is. LA Gay is like trans. They're like the next level. And LA Trans is like the next, whatever that is, like they're disabled, they're like knee

capping themselves. It's always the next thing here. Like it's just, it really is. It's a lot. I bet, because you said you lie out of respect. You lie out. I bet your online game is tight, dude. Well, it's lies.

Yeah. But I'm saying, how good are your dating lies? I make everything up. I make everything up. Give me, walk me through. Most people on the site think I'm Amy Schumer. You know, that's my, no, I mean, I just, I think it's hard to make stuff up now because people cut, you know, I'm somewhat public, people get kind of looked me up.

You know, these people don't know, you know, they think I'm doing great. I'm doing really good, but like they don't know. So wait, are you on like Raya or are you on? I am, but that one sucks. Why does it, I heard it's fun. I heard Tommy Lee met Brittany Furlan on Raya. Maybe for Gabe. I don't know.

It's just not that great. It's people, it's supposed to be like the celebrity app. But are you always, OK, do you go between being like, I want to meet someone to date or are you always, are you, basically, I'm always just like what I just to meet somebody and maybe hang out with, it's cool. Yeah, OK. But, you know, sometimes if you meet somebody to date, that's cool too. But I'm not looking, you're not looking for it.

Not at this moment. OK, I got you. I got you. You know, and it's your full eyes on there. Well, I'm the embellishments. Yeah. Distortion, you know, like what, like what? Well, just, just the idea of like, you know, I'll tell people I've been to countries

I haven't been to, you know what I mean? Like I'll start talking about Japan. I've never been to Japan. Like I'll talk, I'll be, I'll be like the best sushi is No Offenses in Japan. And the guy's like, what do you mean? I'm like, no offense, but I date like younger guys in their 20s or whatever. And they're like, they don't know anything. And so I'm like, oh, yeah, oh, that sushi is good, but it's probably better in Osaka.

When I was in Osaka, I had this. But he's like, no offense to Toro. That was to die for. I tell them no offense because I'm like, you're probably not living that kind of life. That's OK, but the best sushi is in Japan. And, you know, things like that. I would love to travel. I make up geography.

Like I just make up things that I, you know, I love it. I respect it so. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, nothing crazy. Yeah, yeah. But I mean, you should. Yeah, I gotta, you gotta lie. Yeah, a little bit.

Yeah, for sure. I mean, the country is run by liars. The most successful people in America are liars. Yeah. Everyone you see on a billboard is probably a liar. I mean, I don't know what to tell you. Yeah. Yeah. What is OK, because I feel like you always have you're well informed.

You're well read. You know what's going on. I mean, we're we're way ahead of here. But what do you think's going to end up happening election wise? Well, so there's two things that can happen. Number one, I think Trump right up until this virus, I'm like, Trump wins handling, he's just going to win, right? Right.

He's just going to win. You know, impeachment didn't work. Nothing worked, right? These guys are throwing stuff at him. Nothing works. Had they not done all of this and just kind of let him like, I think a guy like him, you can't put him in a corner because he's great fighting, right?

Like, that's what he likes to brawler. He's great at it. He loves. So it's like, you know, put him in a roast battle. He's going to win, right? Put him on stage for an hour. Could get dicey, right? Could get dicey.

So that's the way you look at his presidency. All they've done is put him in the corner and, you know, right? Yeah. And so he just comes out fighting and his people, you know, galvanizes his support, right? Like, you know, people started to notice like a year ago, they're like, wait a minute, there's no wall. There's like nothing like nothing he said was going to happen, happen. And, you know, Wall Street is not really rained in.

Like, you know, we're, you know, so so that was. But now that you see you have this crisis, this pandemic, if this is brutal and traumatic. Is he still funny? Like, if we have three to six months of a lot of pain, right? Is calling Elizabeth Warren Pocahontas still funny? Or people like, dude, we're over that, right? Do you get over there?

So this actually could be something that that really, truly does get out of his hands and he has to deal with. And then you just look at it, you're looking at a guy like that. You're like, do you just want to president again instead of this big entertainer? Like if something like this really happens, it really hits hard. I mean, Joe Biden has dementia. Yeah, he's somewhat senile. It seems like, you know, things have gone south.

It's not good. Sanders makes some good points, but again, he's in his 80. Like, so, but I do think if this thing is really traumatic, I think people are going to look at Trump and it's like, yeah, dude, it's not as funny anymore because, you know what? You start seeing people, you know, die, right? It doesn't really matter that Hillary's a crook, right? You don't care anymore.

You're like, we just need an adult to get us out of this. True. Yeah. I think that's actually a really good take because, yeah, if things get real serious, like the way that they would in a true pandemic, yeah, like exploding, then then just everyone's sensibility just changes. Absolutely. Well, you're in panic mode and you want an adult. Like he said, a grown up.

I saw, I saw SARS when I was in Japan volunteering with a piece. I was kind of the first dude. I was one of the first people on the ground there and just seeing that has really just shaped the way that I think. OMG, you've done so much with your life. Well, no, the best one is when they go, you sound like you have a really wild life and I'm like, yeah, whatever. Yeah, yeah, you got to play it cool.

Oh, I was like, you're doing all this crazy stuff. I'm like, whatever, man, I'm sure your life is crazy too. You do cool stuff too, right? Where do you go? University of Kansas? That sounds fun. You know, it is what it is. College.

They're like, my dad's a Christian minister. I'm like, I hate gays. This is great. We're in. So it's a real, you know, how is that? How are those college guys? Well, you know, they need to be lied to. Yeah, for sure.

No, I mean, it's just, oh my God, if I was, if I was, there's a lot of gay dudes that don't want to come out now because the gay, the gay things gotten too crazy. Really? It's just too much now because it's like, it used to be like, oh, you're just gay now. It's like men and women don't exist. You know, like everything like, and you're like, wait, no, I don't hold on.

It's like, you know, that toddler should transition. You're like, maybe not. I'm a toddler should know which gender it identifies with. Yeah, yeah. And then so like, there's people that I talk to that are like, I don't want to be a political like, I don't want to just my whole life to be politics and craziness. I understand that.

You know, yeah. I guess I never really considered it that now it used to be like, oh my God, coming out would be this, you know, am I going to be shunned or shamed? Yeah. And then now you're like, oh, this world has become just bananas. It's just bananas. And there's a lot of guys that want to like, there's a lot of guys that want to come out of the closet and like still be a racist, you know, like and still,

you know, and I get it, you know, they're like, I don't want to be intersectional. You know what I mean? They're like, I hate Koreans. And I just want to be openly gay and hate Koreans. So it's like. And it's tough to do that. Why is that a problem? Right.

You know? Yeah. Right. So that's why I'm four. Right. You know, I'm for the anti-intersectional. Everybody has their own interests. Fight it out.

Dude, wait, let's go back to when I was in the Peace Corps in Japan. Long Island. Yeah. Your mom was a real difficult type. She's a, she was a difficult woman. Yeah. You know, I've watched her reduce people in the drive through at Wendy's to tears. Sure.

Wait a minute. Yeah. Is your mom my mom? Yeah. She's a vicious woman. Is she a borderline? I don't know what she is. I mean, she was diagnosed with schizophrenia late in life, which means there was a lot

of things percolating during the journey. Yes. And she collected McDonald's toys, Hess trucks, you know, put them in plastic bags, you know, itemize them. When you see, when you look back on like erratic behavior, when you see somebody become schizophrenic, you go, okay, this all adds up. Before that, when it doesn't enter your mind, do you go, do you have an explanation to yourself? Are you like, you know, my mom is just like this?

Well, we were Irish Catholics, so we didn't really talk about anything. Okay. So the prevailing wisdom was that like people say, hey, Patty is fun. Yeah. Patty's fun. Yeah. You know, she'd be like, Hey guys, my, my, my, my, my father actually disappeared, my real father and the FBI was looking for him.

So he disappeared and the guy who raised me is not my father. And she would say this like in front of her actual dad. And everybody would just laugh it off and be like, Patty is a hoot. Wacky. She is wacky and fun. She would say that. Yeah. She would say that.

Everybody would be like, she is fun and she comes up with some fun stuff. It's like, well, this is a neurological disorder. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was like, so growing up with that, you were like, Oh, something's not right. Yeah. Something's wrong. Right.

I have people in my family who will remain nameless for the, who, um, growing up, they were always like, uh, you know how she is, you know how she can get. Well, that's what it is. And she can get upset. You know how she is. That's how, you know, it's pretty irrational though. Well, we're not going to try to investigate this.

They're just eccentric. Yeah. They're eccentric. They're fun. But doesn't that wreak havoc on your life? And somebody goes to the life of the party. The life of the party. I think she told some big story once about how Elvis might have been her father and

everyone was like, she's the life of the party. I'm like, no, her brainstem is like not working. Yeah. Yeah. But you knew that though. I knew it. Yeah. I knew it because I was like just perceptive.

And siblings know it too? No. No siblings. You have no siblings. Yeah. Oh, shit. It was just me. And where is your dad?

Um, he's in Wuhan right now. No, my father is with his new wife in Long Island. They don't leave. They don't leave. They love, my dad loves a golf course. He loves a glass of wine. Yeah. There's no reason to leave.

And was he part of your childhood? Or are you peaceful? Yeah. He was there. He was there in the way that a lot of boomers were there, which is not really. You know, less or want. You know, it was not the most committed group of people to raising their kids. Yeah.

I mean, they just fed us, you know, poison. Yeah. Here's some Wendy's. Good luck. Try not to get molested. Yeah. It was not the most involved. Why do you think that it was collectively like that?

It was just deeply selfish group of people that came off this very traumatic event, like the Vietnam War, things like that, a lot of crazy. And then the people that were, and it was a lot of people that were hit. My parents were hippies and then kind of went a hundred percent the other way. So there was that hippie aesthetic of like being deeply selfish was ingrained in them. It's about me and my journey and this and everything. And but when you were hippie, that pointed out words into like making the world better or even like the appearance, the optics of doing so.

And then once you just embraced it like, hey, well, this is that ain't going to happen. Then you still had that deeply selfish need for everything to be about you. But now it was just about like, you know, materialism and just having more than other people. And like, that's kind of what defined that generation is like rampant materialism and convenience. Everything was easy, fast food, you know, getting, getting, you know, putting your kids in a million activities so you could then do what you want.

You know, and there were economic realities, of course, that coincided with this too. But it was like, it was a generation of people that was all about comfort and convenience. Wow. Well, plus their parents weren't very emotionally available either. Right. So then they were the first, like the boomers were the first generation of kids that were told like follow their dreams. Like, well, my generation was told that it was the worst advice.

Like it was just like, yeah, you're unique and special. Follow your dreams of people like, I don't have dreams like, but follow them. And they took out all these loans and they're screwed now. Wait, but that's so true because there are some people that just don't have dreams. All of them. Yeah. Like, what about, but what about that person that's like, I kind of don't give a shit.

Like I wouldn't mind just doing a job. Yeah. A lot. But we're like, no, but you've got something important to say inside of you. No, you don't. The guys at Gary Vanduertra, all these like motivational guys. Like, no, there's a business inside of you. Like, no.

And it's like, no, there's not. Not everyone. There is not a business inside of my friend, Ryan. Right, right, right. There is not, you know. That's true. It's just hyper individualism. I think that there's this thing too, that we try to celebrate like, we try to tell everyone to

be a leader, as if everyone is a leader. Yes. And then what the speech should be like, hey, most of you are followers. Yeah, get a job. Most of you should find somebody. Just get a job. And really, it's okay to have a job. Yeah.

It's okay to just like, hey, I want to have a nine to five, come home and watch Friends. It's telling people that it's not okay to be like that. To just live. It's like telling people like, it's not okay to go to a place and then come home. Yeah. And watch your show. The happiest people I know are gym teachers. Yeah.

From Long Island, who go on like two vacations a year, who love their children. Times with the family. They have no idea what the Me Too movement is. They have no idea. Let's celebrate those folks the most. They just, they're not plugged. They're not plugged in. Fine, great.

And it's, there's nothing wrong. I mean, they're just not plugged in. Well, both sides. I miss those days when you could just, you know, see a girl with a nice ass. Just get, go right and just rape the shit out of her. Like, get over here. No. Wait a minute.

I was going to go for a comment. Or use your power. What decade was that? How far are we going back? I mean, this is, we're going back hundreds of years. He's talking about the 1400s or the middle, the middle ages. Harvey Weinstein. No, no, no.

You raped? He just didn't choose. You know, when you saw a girl with a nice ass, I was going to kind of, just kind of be like, make a comment. Oh, sure. Nice little peach on the backside. Right. No, I got you.

Sorry. You went, you said, and you could rape the shit out of her. What kind of porn would you do? Go back to your brokest year and stand up. This is something we're working in right now. What kind of porn would I do? One that the audience would complain about. I'll tell you that.

There'd be some real negative Yelp reviews on my video. So we're talking about, you go to your worst financial year in the last decade. Sure. And you're like, you're struggling to pay rent, at least in this scenario. Yeah. And then we go, guess what? You got six months rent right here. Would you do a sex act on film for that?

Great question. Here's why I would say no, not morally. But because I would be afraid that it would catch up with me when I wanted to do something else. Okay. If I was not, if I was a dude that never wanted to be a public person or never wanted to, you know, put out stuff, like then I don't think I would care.

You could tell them about the masks. Oh, yeah. You could wear a mask. Oh, yeah. Okay. Right? Yeah, then I'm in. You could wear a mask and a bodysuit.

Well, yes. And they just cut the whole out. How great would that be if I showed up to do porn and they're like, we have a mask and a bodysuit and I was offended? I'm like, wait a minute. Hold on. What a show I got. I need a bodysuit.

I need a mask. Yeah, I would do that. And you're saying what kind of porn? Yeah. S&M, ball kicking. I mean, it would be whatever paid the money. Yeah. I mean, at that point, I'm not going to be like,

I'm not going to be, you know, approved. It's like, put the money on the table. Dude, that's what I'm saying. Like the mask is on. I'm doing the interracial gang bang with the basketball team. Because at this point. 100%. You're in it.

She's really leaning into this one a lot. That's real. I wouldn't say an interracial gang bang. With the basketball team. But yeah, it's a lot. Well, that's a lot of people. Pussies. Josh is willing to.

He's willing to have a. He said if he could do a sex scene with a woman and he gets to pick the woman, I'm like, yeah, that's cool. And then we worked out that at the end, 10 guys. Yeah. Come in the room and come on his shoulders. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I could see Josh going for that. You could.

Yeah, I've met Josh. So I think that Josh would be fine. Yeah, Josh would be fine. And after that, by the way, Josh would look at the director and be like, are we good? Is this good? Is this the director right here? He wouldn't even be.

He wouldn't even be that. And he'd be like, this is good or should we do it again? Is this OK? Is it stuck in my hair? Yeah. Have you ever seen, have you ever been a part of a Bukake or seen 10 guys jizzing? I've never.

I've seen it. I mean, people have sent me photos of tape like tapes. You know what I mean? Like you've been like in a club. Like in San Francisco in the 90s, when I lived there, it was like gay dudes ruled the roost. And they would just jerk off on industry. Dude, literally.

I keep hearing those stories. I want to see that. There were clubs I would go to with my gay man friends and there would just be a dude sitting in a chair with his peener out and like other guys would just come up to it, fuck it, sit on it, suck it. And it was chaos, like but fucking in the streets. It was great.

I kind of missed that era. I came up later than that. I'm sure that that still goes on, but I just don't. Not domestically. It doesn't. Yeah, I just, I don't. Yeah, overseas. I'm sure in West Hollywood.

Austria. Yeah. Got to go to Germany. Where the good stuff is in Frankfurt or Japan. I'm sure in West Hollywood stuff goes on. I'm sure there's. By the way, there's got to be the secret code still for at least an awesome West Hollywood club.

I mean, bring fucking loop because it gets down. I was just, I went to get a taco with two people the other night. It was Saturday. It was Hollywood. And I forgot that it was Saturday. It was Hollywood. And it was just so intense.

And there was just people beating the shit out of each other. Like, really? Oh, yeah. Gay dude fights. There's like, there's nothing about testosterone. There's like 10 a night. Yeah. Oh, that makes sense.

01:32:51,640 --> 01:32:52,120 Oh, right. Like, bitch, what did you say? Bitch, yeah, yeah, yeah. 01:32:55,080 --> 01:32:56,760 Well, they're not fighting about economics. No. It's pretty, it's pretty base.

Yeah. A lot of bitch. I feel like the game is so, it's so vicious in terms of like, you know, there's so much value on like, when you see an aging, formerly yoked dude, you know what I mean? And then they're like, you become an undesirable. I feel like it's vicious. It's vicious.

But it's also like, you look women over a certain age in Hollywood, it's nasty. That's true, too. Nasty. But that's why I love gay men. Because I feel like our currency. You mean over 29? Yeah, no.

And you'll see them and you'll be like, you were the shit. Yeah. I look at a woman and she'll be like, you know, parking her little old Mercedes in front of one of those houses in Moral Canon, you know, one of those modern houses that were like the shit when Melrose Place was on the air. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, you were the shit.

And now no one's bought you a drink in a decade. Yeah. And you just take 10 pills to get out of bed every morning. Dude, you're totally right. But that's when you put all your all your eggs in that looks basket. That's when it like. Yeah.

But it's also like move to Florida. It's like you've had your moment like enough to get that fuck out of sunset Boulevard. Oh, I get 35. Like you should be retiring. Well, whatever. Well, but he's saying, though, I think that like once you're literally.

Oh, old as fuck. Yeah. I don't be an old wrinkled mass walking around. True. You know, just get out. Get your old pussy out of town. Yeah. I mean, that's all.

This is not a real place. It's on fire half the time. It's like we're all buying into an idea. Yeah, that's true. So the idea is not your old snatch, you know, and your sad stories. True. Go to New York.

They love that. They love an old wrinkled woman sitting in a jazz club telling stories. Yeah. That's true. No, you do that. You're allowed to have more of a personality in New York. I live on a block with three TikTok kids.

They could buy and sell me. OK. I don't even look at them directly in the eyes. I know my place. Wait a minute. You say you live by three TikTokers, like famous talkers? Yeah, they're pretty.

Which ones? Because I am. Wait. I think I might. Is this? Is she one? Guys, this should be my last video for a while because I do not know how to make a PayPal.

And there ain't a son of a bitch in this family is going to have the bucks. It's going to take the bond me out. Because I might kill Cheryl today. That's right. Look at my fucking. I swallowed it, plumb up her to that fucking scar. Well, she stabbed me with a screwdriver.

Last fight she started with me. Yeah. I saw her moments last night, just visiting. And Cheryl jumped over the kitchen counter at me, flying like Hussain Bolt in a fighting suit. I don't know why the bitch has always been jealous of me. So she run to the phone like the bitch-mate counter always does.

And I said, you better call ever. Law and Sequoia County is time, bitch. Because you're going to need help prising my fingers from around your fucking dick-sucking throat. So I ended up arrested in jail. But I'm out this morning, Cheryl. And I could still see. That's right.

You didn't swell a shit bitch. And I'm coming over here today. And I'm going to do the two step and the cowboy boogie till there's a mud hole in your fucking ass for me and mama to stomp dance fucking dry. And the only phone call need to be made is up to Agents Mallory Martin funeral home in Salisaw. Let them know they'll be wiping your fucking ass

in the morning. I take it back. Your coronavirus will do nothing to this country. I think we're pretty immune. Right? I mean, yeah. That's what comedy is, dad. It's like nothing can compete with that.

Nothing can. Also, just the words per minute alone is really impressive. And quite good. She could have been an auctioneer. Yeah. I think she could have been a lot of stuff. She actually pronounced, you know. Are those, I think those are dentures because those teeth

look too good to be in her head. Her face. Yeah. I think she's lost probably some of her natural teeth. Right. Just living, living wrong. Right. I'm saying, but I think those are, those are dentures.

Yeah. She seems like a wild woman. Oh, that's a good talk. Whoa. What do you all think? That was his talent. That was his, that was his tech talent. Skill.

You see the way he was laying flat? Yeah. Jumped, were you impressed? I got to be honest, that didn't do it for me. No. Let's pretend the first woman was a lot better. 01:36:49,400 --> 01:36:52,760 Let's pretend that this guy was somebody you just met.

Yeah. And he was like, check this out. Yeah. And he sent you that video. What do you respond back with? I, I tell him to keep working. Listen, like you need to just put some other elements in there. Yeah.

Because he's like, what do you think? And he had it in the caption. He was like, do I look like Spider-Man or not? Really proud of himself. Yeah. And you can see it in his face. He's like. Yeah.

I just did some shit, bro. They're working on that. I hooked up with a drummer once and then they sent me, this guy sent me a video of him drumming and it's the worst. It's like, it sounds like a, like a kid playing with pots and pans. Yeah. So it's like, a lot of times you have to just tell people like, yeah, that's great, man.

You told them great. Keep going. Yeah. I was like, oh, that's awesome. You lied. I love sounds. Keep going. Because they think you're in a creative thing.

They're like, I'm creative too. You're like, oh, good. Yeah. You guys are the same. So would you bang this guy? Like, could you see a child? So I'm going to say no. Oh, is he a chat?

Let's see. Is this what the whole show is? Like Chris Hansen just runs out from the back. This is literally the whole show. It's been our building rapport with me. So then I go, oh, yeah, fuck that guy. Tick tock. And they're like, at 16 and I go to jail.

That's the whole show. No. That's what your mom's asking for cops. Tim, do you like the skin? Yeah. So would you bang that child? It's like, no. No, hold on.

Hold on. Hear me out. I wouldn't even message them. We know how you guys are. Are you sure? Yeah. Hear me out. Maybe he wants it.

It's like, no, no, no. But hear me out. He's, let's say he's like 20. No, no, you can't. He's, I mean, he's not 28. He's not. He's not 28. You can't be like, put Denny's older.

Because if he's 28, he's retarded. Like, that's also bad. Denny's developmentally disabled. That's another problem. We play a game called Deal Breakers here. So let's say this guy, you're talking to him, and he's brilliant. And he knows everything that you want him to know.

He's rad. And he takes you back to his apartment. He's an adult. Okay. He's adult. And he's like, hot. He's hot. He's the guy you want.

But he does, and he lays down and he goes. It's a totally different situation. It is a different situation. It is. It is. And this is a deal breaker. This is a real fun level of entrapment for to catch a predator.

This is different. So this is like, what if he was an adult? No, this is, this is, okay. It's a deal breaker question. So he's the man of your dreams, this guy. Okay. You go back to his place and he goes, I have something so cool to show you.

And you're like, all right. And he does this. So yeah, this was just a different guy. A different guy. It's not in minor. Let's say. Yeah. I mean, listen.

It's the guy of your dreams. Let's see if a really good looking guy did that. You'd be like, oh, he's funny. Yeah. Right. That's a fun thing to do. That's the difference. Good looking people get away.

Good looking people get away with rape. With nonsense. A good looking guy will rape you. You'll wake up. You're like, yeah, whatever. Yeah. It's so cute. You'll call your texture girlfriends.

You'll be like, he's so fun. A beautiful woman. It's so random. Does that. It's like that Mark Norman joke. He goes, if a woman goes home with a man and he's got a Nazi flag, the woman goes, I got to get out of there.

If a man goes home with a woman with a Nazi flag, he goes, I got to fuck her and get out of here. So it's like one of those things. Gotcha. OK. Yeah. All right. All right.

That's what I was thinking. Hi, everyone. Just wanted to get on here to tell y'all that I think I'm leaving TikTok. No. I've enjoyed all the friendships. Thanks for turning the volume up. Backgrounds.

Some dramas going on. No, don't leave me. I didn't even know you were allowed to be on. I don't even have one. I didn't know you were allowed to be on it if you were over 19. Like I had no idea that there were 60-year-olds leaving TikTok.

Oh, there are. Like emotionally. Making an announcement. You're like emotionally going, I have made a lot of friendships here. It's like, that's illegal. What? That's against the law.

What do you mean you've made a lot of friendships here? Right. What are you talking about? I mean, yeah. We had been day drinking in Florida, visiting my family. And we saw these little kids, like fifth graders. Yeah. By the pool in this place.

And we walked in on them. And they were a choreographer. And we're like, what are you doing? And we've been drinking. Right. And they're like, oh. And they're in their school uniforms. They're like, we're making a TikTok.

And we both were like, we're on TikTok. And they were like, oh, OK. These are like 10, 11-year-olds. And they think they're going to get kidnapped. And then they're like, what's your handle? And I was like, I've spelled it out for them. And then as we walked out, I realized that the last one I had posted was me pulling my nipples

and going like, oh, like that. But I was like, oh, we got to go. We got to go. We got to get out of here. You know? I mean, yeah, it's one of those things, man. It's like, old people have Facebook. That's where you go.

That's where you go to scream into the void. Talk about your knee operation. Yes. Talk about Donald Trump. Talk about dead animals. Scream into the void. I mean, that's what it is. That's what you're there.

That's what it's for. I thought it was so peculiar when Moshe was here like a week ago. And he was like, he's like, really? He's like, I check Facebook every. I forgot to be like, what are you, 60? He's so into Facebook. No, he also likes to have arguments with people.

He joined an argument group. Oh, that's fun. I bet you would like that. Well, anytime I see somebody trying to make a legit point on Facebook, I'm like, oh, you're insane. Like, there's nothing to be said. My favorite thing on Facebook is it'll be like a 300 comment

thread. And it's totally degenerated, right? It's no longer about politics. It's people threatening to fight each other. It's like, why don't you say that to my face? It's like, I'll smack the shit out of you. And then my favorite is the one guy that hasn't accepted where the fight is

and goes back to statistics. Oh, right. Like, it'll be one guy. One guy's like, why don't you say that to my face? You're all tough because you're on a computer. I'll smack the shit out of you. And then the next guy goes, if we spent 3% more of our GDP on education, and it's like, that's not

what it's about anymore. It's changed, man. It's this isn't that now, you know? This is people threatening each other. Of course. It's a sad. It's social media is sad. Very sad.

Just sad. Well, not TikToks. I've been, these are joy. These bring me so much joy. TikTok makes more sense on a lot of the other social media apps because it's kids not taking it seriously. It's like, they don't care. It's a goof.

It's a joke. That's kind of what it should have been. But it became this, you know. Twitter is all like soapbox. Like, this is the right way to say this. And people are not saying it correctly right now. Look how many people retweeted this. And support my position.

And then Instagram is like, look how rad my life is and how phony, baloney stuff is. And then this is real. This is like, I have mental problems. I try to put out, I put out these little dumb videos we make that are funny, and I put them out on social media, and they're like ridiculous. You do hilarious stuff.

Well, I appreciate it. It's just stupid stuff. I'll be like, I dress up like a canvas for Bernie Sanders at Beverly Hills. Like John, I'm trying to climb over to Francis. And you were walking down the street being like, are you home? Are you guys at home right now?

Yeah, I'm in the United States. Yeah, yeah. But it was just fun, like dumb stuff like that. So when I use these things, I'm always using them to be like, here's a video. It's funny. It's whatever. And then you look at like other people,

the way other people are using it. And you're like, oh, we're totally different. Totally different. Totally different world. I mean, for some people, it became, I think people who just had nowhere to go and no one to talk to, they're like, this is what I can do now.

Someone's going to hear me. I have it. There was a guy on Facebook last night, a guy I used to do comedy with who's going. If anyone has seen my son, please let me know. The son is like a toddler. His mother took him. I have full custody of him.

I know where she is. The Department of Children and Family Services is coming with me. I still can't take him. And it's like, it's just a Facebook thread about like, this crazy kidnapping. It's crazy. Why would you shit?

Why would you post that? People are just, you know, they want a crowd fund or crowd source, you know? Let's go back to TikTok. Let's go back to where it's Sunday. I love my mom very much because she bought me tickets to Boston to see my dad. March 7th on Saturday at 3 p.m. in the afternoon.

Bye. Boston. Okay, baby. I bet there's a bunch of kidnappers that are like, pass. Because he just gave them all the information to kidnap them. But a bunch of kidnappers just looked at each other like, yeah, you can take that one. I'm good.

What made you fucking pull this one, dude? Because he likes to go to Boston. You're not happy for him. He's going to see his dad. It was an uplifting one. How's his dad feel about that? Bobby Kelly. Like men, I don't like boys, guys, anything.

I do not. If you are deaf about it, then fuck off. Okay. Interesting. Yeah. It is the most entertaining thing in the world. I mean, how much better is this? Before you know I'm bisexual.

Oh, switching. What if I'm bisexual before you know? I'm maybe bisexual. That was very quick. I'm saying it's very quick. We just saw somebody come out. The next one, he's just like, you know, in a rainbow wig. You know?

I also am fine with a horse. I'm into women. And I don't just don't like the bitches who ask for money. Oh, yeah. Bunch of cunts. Gold diggers. And it gets men in my business who, you realize this, I don't care about being gay.

And I never will be. Anyone who is, you're going to need to find someone else. Because I already have a girlfriend. Oh, wait a minute. This is an emotional rollercoaster. Yeah, it really is. But aren't you entertained? I'm entertained.

I'm worried. Yeah. I'm scared. Yeah. See, this is so much better than like any Bravo show or. Yeah. This is better than what's on Netflix at the moment. Well, Bravo shows are like, let's just get 10 rich people,

get them drunk. Someone's husband's going to kill himself. Yeah. That's a Bravo show. Bravo shows like someone's got financial problems and their husband's going to kill himself. We're going to find out within a season. Let's go.

I love it. Yeah. That's what Andy Cohen does. Yeah. Yeah. And then he's like, and then he gets them in the room and he's like, now when you discovered your financial problems, you were very sad weren't you?

Yes. They're like, oh, and they always have names like Taran. You know what I'm saying? So Taran's husband threw himself off a building when he found out about their bankruptcy. And then Taran canceled brunch. How did that make you feel? And I'm like, this guy is an agent of the devil.

He really is. He's a real, yeah. He is. And he is the mastermind behind all that shit. Do you know what I saw him do? I read for a dumb thing on that network. I watched him walk in his office in New York City and he like checked himself out in a picture of himself.

There's a photo of himself in the lobby of his office. He checked himself out in the picture of himself. He was like. That is something Satan would do. Right. That's something the devil would do. Yeah, I saw that. Look at me.

And I saw that I'm just sitting there like, yeah, this is, you know. I do love it though. He was like, I do love Bravo. I should have shot on it. I just like I love the shots of sunset. I love the real estate shows. Oh, yeah. Because most realtors are brain dead

and and they they're amassed these large fortunes by being brained. And it's like, it's the funniest because none of the interactions are real. Like none of the like, they're all like, he's like, you want it for eight, but it's going to be for, you know, we're too far apart. It's really like nine.

But like, you know, a lot of those real conversations are like a realtor turning around and going, listen, be like, my client's trying to get out of China with his life right now, you know, you know, the World Bank, you know, this guy, they want him for genocide. He poisoned the river, but he loves this infinity pool. He's going to get his money out of here. But you got to listen.

I mean, this guy, I mean, he's a they want him for narco trafficking. He's coming at you know, this is the Sinaloa cartel. Let's make a deal. Let's go, you know, you need and instead it's like, I like the windows. It's like, that's not it. No, it's not in here.

Definitely. I'll tell you, this guy has killed entire families. Oh yeah. In New York City. He wants this apart. Like all the people that own these houses are like fertile Russian fertilizer magnets, Chinese amusement park tycoons. Yeah.

Yeah. 01:48:55,080 --> 01:48:55,800 Yeah. Oh yeah. Now I bet you were a fucking savage. What did you do? Subprime mortgage seller? I sold subprime mortgages because I believe in people

and their ability to own. That's number one. That's number one. And I was stopped from doing that by a totalitarian government who does not believe in people the way that I do. So sorry. Would you tell people who are like, I don't know if I can afford this.

You're like, dude. By the way, America is a country of thieves and criminals. No one said, I don't think I can afford. That's true. By the way, I love that. That's such an innocent, great way to think about it. Like there's someone on the phone where I'm like, hey, we can get you 300 grand Thursday and they go like this.

I don't know if I can afford it. No, it's America. Everyone's a dirtbag. They're like, I can. They're like, can we get it Tuesday? Can we get it Wednesday morning? Can I make it 500? Yeah.

So it's actually not. I mean, I'm sure the predatory landing went on, things like that went on. But the majority of people that I worked with were selfish scoundrels that wanted money. Were you ever? I gave them money. Did you ever?

I bought a house with a subprime mortgage. You did? Yeah. Did you ever get to the, like, did you ever have somebody, whatever, who's, I don't know, the ins and outs of it, but applying and you looked at their stuff and you're like, there's no way we can give this guy anything.

Well, the worst one we had was a guy who was clearly like, had dementia or didn't know where he was. And his son wanted to open up a strip club in Miami. And his son just took all the money out of his house. And we were sitting at the closing and we're signing papers. And this old guy is like, struggling to sign papers. And his son is like, keep signing, daddy. It's almost over.

And the closing attorney said, I'm not really comfortable with this. And I'm like, yeah, it ain't great. But, you know, I mean, at that point, you know, what are you going to do? Yeah. You know, shout out to the Vasquez's. Um, but there again, it's a guy that came to me.

He's like, my father's, you know, an old guy. I want to suck all the money out of his house and go up into his strip club. It's like, all right. How's that strip club doing? You know, I don't know, Tom, but if I was a betting man, you know, I don't know. I bet that's a great business.

I think it is. I love sales. I miss it. And I just, I love it. I love, I love sitting in a room with uneducated people calling people over the phone and trying to build an empire. Dude. That's what my boss would say to all of us.

Like, we're two, some of us would take the bus to get there because they had like deweys and stuff. My boss would be like, you're building an empire. You understand that? That's what you're doing. And we'd be like, wow, you're right. You know, you're right. Did you like the boss?

He was a good dude. He had a, uh, a, he had a scar from his ear to his mouth. Whoa. And he goes, he goes, you know why I have this scar? We're like, no. And he told us one day he goes, because I was thrown out of a car, the winch, I was thrown through the windshield of a car at four years old.

Because you know what that taught me about? And we said, what? He goes, responsibility. We don't know what that meant. No one asked him. We have no idea what that meant. But it was just like to us. We're like, fuck yeah.

We're like 22. We're like, that's a man. That's a man right there. That's a man. That's how you get a scar on your face. They got in a car accident. And it was also 2009. So it's like the economy had already crashed.

How long did you have that gig for? I had it from like 2006 right to 2009, like 2010. So like the end. So like right at the height of it. And then the end. And then when the end, I mean, is there a day where you went into work and they're like, there's no more work? Yeah.

I went and went into when I went in and we got a quote of the day every day. And then the quote of the day that day was good luck. Wow. And they said we're ceasing all US operations. I was 22. I just bought a $600,000 house in Long Island with a subprime mortgage. And it was pretty wild. So then we went to Hula Hands.

We're at the bar at Hula Hands. We're getting hammered. I was drinking back then. And then we were just kind of like, we're all looking at each other. And my boss, Scar, was like, we'll figure it out. And we're like, OK. And he's like, we're going to get another shop. He called them shops.

He's like, we're going to get another shop. Don't you boys worry? And we're like, oh, OK. And then we did. I mean, he got another thing. But it just, you know. And did you work in that one? Yeah, but it was bad.

I mean, it was just sad. You couldn't get loans done anymore. And it was just, you know, it was just, you know. What happened to your house? I was foreclosed on. I mean, I guess I've never went back to it. You never went back? Well, I went back now.

A new family lives there now. But I mean. Yeah, it was. I had to walk away from it. I mean, at that point, even if I had the money and it lost 40, 50% of its value, it just crashed. The whole market crashed. Did you walk away immediately?

No, I was there two years. Oh, you say, oh, OK. And then in like 2009, 10, it had lost so much equity that it was kind of like, what are we doing? You know, I tried to do everything I can. I moved into family upstairs or rented it out. I moved in a guy downstairs, a guy that my mother knew from the mental institution.

He was a lounge singer named Phil. Not reliable. Who knew? Was your mortgage crazy on that place? 4,400 a month. Oh, wow. It's hefty. That's hefty.

Plus taxes and insurance. Yeah, it's a lot. So it was wild. So that was it. But it was crazy. I was drinking every night hanging out at a bar at the block from my house called Lisa's Lounge, productive. And I was boozing it up.

And then I was like, all right. So that was like 2010 that all ended. I got into comedy. I quit drinking, you know. So you're 10 years in now. 10 years in, yeah. Wow. Started.

It was like a big, that was like the end of 2010 I started. I started in like September 2010. I did my first open mic. Yeah. You had the best promo video. Well, I appreciate you retweeting it. Thank you. Oh, absolutely.

It made me like, it opens with the planes crashing in the twin tops. Well, to find, yeah, my manager is like, my manager is like, what are you doing? He called me. I tell my manager talks. He goes, usually everything I do is great. He just goes, great.

It's great. You know, he called me up. He goes, hey, what are you doing with the Twin Towers? Trying to promote. What are you doing? And I'm like, oh, it's defined my generation. He goes, oh, right. But he still didn't love it.

But the rest of the video was fine. Well, you had all kinds of stuff. I mean, that just, that really grabs a viewer on the open. Well, that's what we thought. What's the video? So it's Twin Towers. I don't think you can find it. Is there music?

Yeah, it's on my Twitter. It's just a promo. Is there music? Is there popular music in it? It's ELOs, Mr. Brightside. So we can't play that. So just mute it. But you can actually see it.

Mute it. Yeah. It's going to be, I don't know where it is. It's going to be there somewhere. There it is. There it is. It's Twin Towers. Wendy's, Chicken Throne, the president's head.

Yeah. So it's got, OK. It'll start from the beginning here. Yeah, it was just, you know, there's a little recap of my childhood of 45 seconds. Yeah, yeah. And it's throughout. Because I was an actor as a kid from 6 to 12.

Oh, you were? Yeah. Kane, Lehman Brothers. Swimmer, opioid crisis. Yeah, there's you again. Then there's, like, Syria. Hillary Clinton, you again. Pills.

Wendy's, Alex Jones. Jesus Christ. Oh, there it is. There's Lisa's. In the top hat. Yep. Then Abu Ghra, and then Wendy's again. Back to Abu Ghra.

CIA, there's Black Ops stuff going on. There you are. Yeah, there it is. Cancel your family. This is amazing. Cancel your family tour, folks. So that's kind of what, I mean, come on. That was great, man.

It was a fun one. Yeah, I appreciate that. Thank you. Yeah, cancel your family is the name of the tour? Yeah, because that's what I'm urging people to do is cancel their family and friends and not celebrities that, you know, did something offensive. Exactly.

Cancel the people closest to you. Oh, it's a great message. It's my message. That's a message I can get behind. I think it's just necessary. It also makes, you know, if you're into canceling, it makes a lot more sense to take, to feel that way about someone you actually know.

Worry about yourself, man. So many conversations I have with people that are like upset with their family or they hate their hometown. It's like, just leave. Just go. Yeah, forget it. I'm a big advocate of that, especially

when you're on the road. Someone's like, I fucking hate it here. And you're like, so why are you here? So do I. That's why I'm leaving on Monday. Go. Go. Yeah.

I hate Gainesville. Get in your car and leave. Yeah. Drive away. It's free country, bro. What are you asking for? It's just another talk. Oh.

I'm just so, I curate these lovingly. And I just want to make sure. By the way, before I forget. I love the talk. Because we discussed this, do you think that Aaron Hernandez could have been a gay icon if he had stopped murdering people? And just not.

I don't know. I just love that documentary. Everybody was like, wait a minute. They were also shocked. Like, what's shocking? That's like, they're like, wait a minute. So we murdered someone. And then he played football again.

Like, we know athletes kill people. We know rich people kill people. Why is this a thing? I don't know. Perhaps. I think if he had not the brain damage he had. Yeah. The gay thing is in a weird space now.

Because I would have thought more actors would have came out or more sports people. And that really hasn't happened. That's true. Yeah. So it's kind of weird that it's 2020. And there's still closeted people. Right.

And they only like high profile. And the thing about sports is that, because I've been saying for years, that a big thing of making it not such a sensational story would be if a star player in any of the big sports was like, oh no. Gay, I'm gay. And I'm the best in this league. Then it would be forced to be like, oh wow.

And then it kind of changes. But we've only seen retired players come out. And usually like not. Nothing to lose. And they weren't significant players. Yeah, they weren't great. No, you need an all star. Yeah.

Which like somebody big. If he, you know, I don't know. We just, it could have been him. I thought. It could have been him. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I forget I have a uterus.

We've seen this one. And because of that, sometimes I forget to take my testosterone. And when I forget to take my testosterone, I go take a poop poop and there's blood. And I'm like, oh no. But it's just a period. Yeah, see, this is what I mean about things getting a little out of control.

Right. This is a little out of hand. Yeah. I don't know that I signed up for this. I don't really sign up for this. This is a lot. This is a lot. This is not even about sexuality anymore.

This has gone down another rabbit hole. And I don't know what it is, but it's something's off. If you are on 2000 gender. I mean, I love your dude with that astral gender thing. Oh, yeah. It's made me cry. Thank you. We watch it.

I watch it over and over. I show people when I came out as astral gender on the morning show. Oh, we all have to do this morning. You know, those more. And it's like, that is the best is the best. And it's not in that video. I don't think that when I, well, first of all,

you can see one point when I say something and she goes, like, yes, yes, makes her shiver. And then I got to get in the car with the club manager that day. And it was an immediate phone call immediately from that lady. And she was like, I don't know what is up with that guy. But that was weird. And we did not like it. Like I got to hear her tell her like, well, you go to these morning radio,

morning, radio, morning TV things. And it's like, kind of hilarious. You're like, this still happens. I know. It's crazy. And you know, it's not moving tickets for the week. It's like, good morning, Dayton. It's like, whoa.

Who's watching that? Go on to your show at night. Just meth heads that are still tweaking from the night before. Nobody's watching. They convince you they lie to you that this is for you. And then you find out that this is for them. Right. Of course.

This is about their relationship. Yeah. Nobody watching that's coming to the show. Nobody cares. 02:00:09,080 --> 02:00:09,800 Not a person. Yeah. But back to this.

Yeah. This is officially like I'm old because I'm not with this at all. Like there's so much shit going on that I don't understand. Well, what are you confused by? If she doesn't take her testosterone, then she poops and there's blood. But this isn't like, you know, when you're a younger person and you're like, oh yeah, I get like that's, we have this kid at my school who's like this.

Right. And then you're like, oh, this is just this thing. Those glasses, by the way, are usually on TikTok people, you know? The Dahmers. Yeah. Well, you know what it is, man? Those are the Dahmers. It's never someone that looks normal that has this hair.

It's never someone that doesn't have two-tone hair and glasses. Like I want someone in khakis in a sweater going, didn't take my testosterone. So you know what happens when I go number two? Hello, mother. You know, like, can I get a Connecticut Wasp who's experiencing this? That would be amazing. Maybe I'll kind of come to the, I'll come to the thing more. I don't know.

This definitely is much more. It's just like, why does everybody who's experiencing a lot of these gender issues, it's also like a real nerd. Yeah. And like they're really into the Lord of the Rings. And it's like, are you just sick? And then do you just want to be a hobbit or Mr. Tumnus from the Narnia? That begs the question, like, what percentage of the population are we talking to?

How come we're not seeing studs? Like, you know what I mean? Like a dude in a put together. Like real transgender is people that are like, I'm a dude or I'm a chick. And then they go do something to make it so. Right. That's real. Right.

People that have this other thing where they're like, oh, I don't identify as anything. It's like, you identify as annoying. Right. Yeah. Yeah. You're identifying. It's just these upper middle class. They just got money.

Upper middle class white women that don't want to be victims. So they're kind of like, well, you know what? I'm actually. It's like it is an identity. It's like when in the 90s when people were bisexual in high school. Yeah. And then that it's like, this is the version of bisexual. Like I'm not.

This is the version of like, you know, these people just, you know, they want to have a personality. But because the Internet has flattened everyone to the point where they don't have personalities. They don't even want to talk to anyone anymore. Right. Yeah. That this is their substitution for that. Yeah, that's true.

That is very true. Yeah. Oh boy. Y'all are wondering what's going on with the Face Tattoo. It's a very slow, slow, slow process. It's going to take up to maybe two, three years for it to actually see some major, major results. But sometimes certain lighting makes it look darker and certain

lighting makes it look lighter. It's the lighter. But you know, yeah, I made some very horrible, regrettable. If you won't call them regrettable, I don't. They're just mistakes I've made in the past because of drugs and alcohol. That's just part of life. At least I'm omitting I made mistakes. At least I'm owning up to my mistakes and trying to fix myself now.

Because this weekend I turned 36. I got to have a straight life. So that way I can be more independent, more better off and better example for the younger generation. Wow. Love y'all. I'm sending prayers. You're away thinking about you. Keep your chin up.

I like that he's an example for the younger generation. I like that he's anointed himself an example. See what I did to my face? Yeah. You guys in your youth right now. Yeah. Don't don't be don't be like. Well, I will say that he kind of you kind of need this guy because there's people tattooing

the shit out of their faces right now. Yeah. There's a lot of kids tattooing their face and that's not going to turn out well. There's a lot of kids putting the tattoos on their face. Dude Cindy Crawford's son. Hot model dude. Really? Did uh was it misunderstood?

Was that what the word was Nadov? Go google this guy Cindy Crawford's son who makes money as a model. Oh my god I thought that was him. I was like Jesus. The hell did she have sex with? Who the hell did she fuck? Was it Mistakha? Please do not let me please.

God. I love you. There he is. And then look at his look at his face and then he got a facial tattoo that says misunderstood. Oh man. Pressure. They're all they're all drinking bleach. I mean they're all drinking like I mean all these kids are doing drugs.

We've never even heard of. I know. They're just slurping down toilet balls full of robin. Look at it. Look at this fucking guy. Look at the life. I mean this guy I mean people like that they're all upset and they're white and hot. Fuck you.

Check out. I'm sick of it. I've had it. I've had it with hot young white people complaining about their lives. Enough. Understood. Woo-han. Get him.

Fuck you. For real. Oh boy. All I'm saying is that if your cooties think. What? His pet is small. Y'all belong together. Okay.

Somebody left a previous comment saying that my eyeliner should not be thicker than my eyebrows which I didn't realize so I hope in this video that my eyebrows These people are real. This is not impot. 02:05:11,160 --> 02:05:11,880 This is not character. That's why it's so good. That's why it's so good.

I got to get on this because I didn't know that this was going on here. Yeah. Yeah. Now to her credit these are all pulled from her feed. You got to start liking the right. Curated. Yes. Yeah.

You got to start liking the right types of tops. Algorithms. So the algorithm feeds you. I just see like little kids like good looking young kids like dancing. Oh no. And they have like 20 trillion to spend a little time going down the hole. My feet doesn't even get this. I just want all the lesbians who are proud of being gold stars to stop.

That's just rooted in misogyny. It's biophobic. It's transphobic. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't make any gear. Virginia doesn't exist. And it's heteronormative as hell. Yeah.

This country is not going to work out. I mean it's just two minutes of this. I'm like yeah it's not going to work out. Like it's just to me the presidential debates are hilarious. It's like respond to that. Like Joe Biden should have to make sense of her. Like Joe Biden speak on this please. Because misogyny heteronormative.

Virginia isn't real. Yeah. And when people say shit like that like when people say that things that are real aren't real with just with certainty. Yeah. But there's there's no objective reality now. Didn't you know you can get the memo. There's no such thing as truth or objective reality.

It's whatever whatever you say it is. It is whatever you say it is. I'm sorry baby. Please call me. I didn't mean to do this. I don't know why you so mad at me. I love you. This guy's the most normal one.

He thought it was a direct message. Yeah. Oh yeah. They don't get that it's an out. It gets blasted in the world. It's like I was put this in the theater. Oh my god. Think about it.

Dude. Oh shit. Yeah. Oh is it there. I'm sorry baby. I didn't mean to do this. Please call me. I didn't mean to do this.

He doesn't even seem upset. I love you. I love you. I apologize. Oh my god. Baby call me please. You said you're wide awake and everything but you're not calling me or at least text me.

Let me know what you're doing. It's just not to one person. I love you. That is this guy have followers. He has followers. I just yeah. He does now. Yeah he does.

Oh fuck. He's at Arnold 2021. Let him know that this is not a private. Actually no. Don't let him know. Don't let him know. We encourage him to make more. Tim just needs to see this last one here.

This one is this is a classic. All right outlaws listen up. What makes y'all think we're related? No no stop this. Let me see this. Listen here motherfuckers. You've done piss to me the fuck off and I'm already in a bad goddamn mood today.

Well little advice to those that think we're cousins. No the fuck we're not. I'm not related to her. I'm no kin to her and if you keep the shit up I'm calling the fucking CEO and every one of y'all's little goddamn accounts are getting shut down. Do I make myself clear?

Just FYI he's Cherokee. I'm not native. Stop. At all. You have a loud mouth. Well secrets out. Fuck with us and watch what happens to your accounts. Goodbye.

So well they are clearly related. I mean I've never seen two people that look more like and they're tired of hearing it. They're really tired of it. But you know what also just keep having fun do what you gotta do. I mean it's not making a huge difference. But also do you think he has the CEO

of Tiktok's phone number? Well no because isn't Tiktok from China? Isn't it like a China? Tiktok is a China. Yeah you're right. Yeah and it's like facial recognition software and all that stuff. Yeah you're right.

I mean if he just burst out in a Mandarin and called and had a Tiktok I was like I would be like wow. That was my fake Mandarin. We're all gonna have to get much better at that because of the Wuhan flu which we can't we can't call the Wuhan virus because it's racist.

It sounds like it right? Yeah Wuhan. You can't call it Wuhan because it's racist. I gotta call it something else. I'm gonna get on this app now. I didn't realize how fun this was. It's fantastic. I thought it was just dumb kids dancing.

No not my Tiktok. If you want to follow my stories they're in my Instagram stories. I'm gonna follow everything you do now. Yeah. You're gonna be like the person who I watch and follow. You got it.

She's a great leader on the Tiktok. Yeah yeah you're gonna leave me. We got this video that I have not seen Star Child, a new Star Child. Yeah okay. Hey Captain Star Child here live from live from the shitter. Man.

Oh my god really? He's pooing. Yeah. He doesn't care about getting laid. God damn it. It happened again. The motherfucking shit. Just home out my fucking ass.

Thank God I made it to the toilet. I was about to pop that shit on the grass outside. Okay. He's not a star or a child. He's not. Do you know I was a year and change ago on Larry King's show and they released the video like three weeks ago? That's how low.

Oh really? Yeah and then we found some of his stammers that I didn't even realize happened. They're pretty significant and a lot of fun. Starring alongside Mark Wahlberg and Rose Byrne in Instant Family. All right you share the screen with Mark Wahlberg. Yeah you got it.

I got it. Yeah. No him a long time. What was that like? Do you think something happened in his head? Like it seemed like a lot. Mark Wahlberg. It's a shrug.

It's a mini shrug. It's a mini stroke. At that age they just those blood vessels just are popping. Yeah. Guilty pleasure. Chocolate souffle. Saka souffle. Chocolate souffle.

Chocolate souffle. Oh he's toast. He's absolutely shot. Saka souffle? Saka souffle? Yeah. We found um. They're great by the way.

Good souffle. A good souffle is amazing. It's got to cook in a water bath. We found we had the listeners do a dive on other misfires. Oh god. From his mouth and we were able to get this one. Nicole Fenstermaker her seven-year-old daughter Abby died from E. coli complications in May of this year.

And Bill Mahler he's an expert on foodborne illness litigation. He's been litigating on this issue since the jack-in-the-box E. chile outbreak. E. chile outbreak in 1993. I mean. E. chile. E. chile outbreak. How old is he?

He's 86 now. Yeah. I mean it's time to go. It is. E. chile outbreak. E. chile. E. chile. Yeah.

E. chile outbreak. Yeah. I think if he gets woo hair it's just good night. Oh it's immediate. That night. Immediate. That night it's over. Immediately.

Yeah. My tongue got caught. My teeth I could not see what I was saying. Well he's had a good run. He really has. But it's time to wrap it up. You shouldn't be broadcasting for 50 years. No at 86 it's going to be rough.

What such narcissism. I mean just lock it up. Nobody's willing to admit their best work is behind them. Yeah. It's so gross. And in your 80s you should. You should. You should be like.

If you're waiting for your 80s to pop off it's been it's a problem. One last thing here. This is one of our classics. For all y'all beautiful women you feel me. This let me eat you one time. This let me eat you one time. And you're gonna I guarantee you. You're gonna you're gonna ask me to stay to your house.

You're gonna sleep for three days my baby. I mean this is a man who is dedicated and he's making a pretty big offer. It is a great offer and all he wants you to do. Guess what. I can show you what time it is. Sure enough I'll tell you they got a man up above. I can cook for you. Clean up your house.

You heard me. Listen when you come home baby. You just gotta jump in jump jump in the tub with all them bubbles. He just doesn't want you to have a stinky box. Yeah. He just he just wants you to jump in the tub with all them bubbles. Right. I yeah.

Guess what. I'm with y'all hundred percent. Get with that ball. I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna make you cry. I hate that he doesn't have teeth. I think he's probably happier than any of us will ever be. I think you're a hundred percent right.

You know what I mean. I think when you're that out there. Yeah. You just he thinks that's the way the world. Like this is a guy who thinks this is how technology works. Right. He's like I just want to eat you baby. And he's he thinks that putting this out there will result in being able to eat some

babies because I just want to eat some pussy and I'm just gonna put it out. Would you not. Okay. Let's get it. Yeah. Let's do the porn scenario. Yeah. You're broke.

It's been so nice having you. It's thanks for coming in. You're broke. Yeah. You need to pay rent. Let me eat you one time shows up. And he what pays it's rent. It's just rent.

Keep in mind you're also going to sleep for three days. Which is maybe the hook of the whole thing. That's a huge. What do you think. Wait hold on. Does he get to go down on me or do I have to have a full intercourse. What do I have to do with him. You lay there and let him eat you.

And then he fucking wears you out. I don't know if he can have full intercourse. I think that's why he's making the eating. That's why he's making that paramount. Do you think he struggles to perform. I think maybe he does. I don't know. Maybe his penis got lost in a tractor accident or something.

That's why he's like let me start with eat you baby. Can I do a dental dam. Can you do a dental dam. No no. He needs to taste it. He needs to. No I'd rather be homeless. What.

I'd rather be homeless. But then he's going to eat it anyway. I'm telling you. So gross. I ain't nothing nice. You hear me. I'm Federer. Once I touch your booty.

I'm Federer. Yeah. Like the tennis player. He's Roger Federer. This guy's intriguing. See. No. I want to know what he thinks about him.

Wouldn't you want to see other videos of his. Yeah. I want to know what he thinks. I'm good. I want to know what he thinks about like tax policy. No you don't. I want to ask him like what do you think about trade. No you don't.

Because those guys have the best answers. Yeah they do. Because they have it's nothing to do with you know. He's like trade. He's just like eatin' pussy. In your kitty cat. Boy I'mma put my hand in there. And I'm going to smell it.

How could you not want to fuck this guy. Babe. Now does this guy have a tiktok where he's uploading this or no. No. This is what he needs. Someone is correct. Someone is uploading him. But don't you think.

Someone's taking advantage of him. He has a manager. But he will get the booty if he got on tiktok. He will. He started an account. Somebody will be like I'm I like this guy. This guy's cool. Yeah.

How do we have access. One love. You think it's a game. I ain't gonna play with you my baby. I'mma put my hand in your kitty cat. Look in your face. I got it. And I'mma do that.

Okay. We gotta go. We gotta go Tom. We gotta go home. I want to smell it. You know why. Seriously. If you're clean you're clean.

If you're dirty you're dirty. I'mma let it be known with my hand. God love him. But he's the best. I can't believe you would not fuck this guy. For six months. Babe. I'd rather die.

Okay. I would I would rather fuck Larry King. For six months. Jesus. Really. Yeah. That would kill him. I know.

He said you'd rather kill Larry King. Yeah. Suck his soups away. I'd rather fuck Larry to death. All right. Tim. Plug all your stuff. Yeah.

Tim J. Dillon DI LLON on social media. So that's Instagram and Twitter. Tim J. Dillon DI LLON. Tim Dillon show on YouTube. Which is our podcast which is really fun. And we have it's on Apple Podcasts. And we're you know all the BS. Wherever Spotify whatever.

Tim Dillon show on YouTube. And social media. And you're a hilarious follow. Thank you dude. A great comedian. I appreciate it. Go see him live. Go get tickets.

Oh. Tim J. Dillon. Comer. Tim Dillon comedy.com. Tim Dillon comedy.com. We're about to go on 35 week tour. Cancel your family tour. Cancel your family tour.

And we're that. We appreciate it. Yeah. We got to do this again. Please come back. Please come back. Tim thank you so much for having me. All right we'll see you soon.

Thanks guys. Bye thanks guys. Thanks guys. Bye bye. Suck it, soothe. My tongue got caught, my teeth are cannot see what I was saying. My tongue got caught

my teeth are cannot... Suck it, soothe. My tongue got caught, my teeth are cannot see what I was saying. My tongue got caught, my teeth are cannot... Believe how big it's think what I wanna do.