Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 601 - Yannis Pappas - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 28, 2021

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What's up, mommies? We have brand new merch in the merch store. Go to store.ymhstudios.com and check out all the YMH merch we have to offer. What will happen to the Trumps? They might be 86th from New York society. Yeah, I don't see it coming back. There's no... Where are they going to go? I think they go to...

They're on Florida. Austin. Florida. They're Austin. They're going to Austin too. Trump's like, I heard Rogan's open up at a club. It's going to be great. Segora's going to be there.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my god. Shaq. 00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:01,920 The saddest comic book of the day. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Formula down, oh, my God. Wheel Kreischer's Pat.

Wheel Kre través Pat. But frasiously. Wheel Kre examine. Wheel Kreśers. Wheel Kreischer's Pat. Wheel Kreischer's Pat. All right, from the vaults, gaping dad with the bird is fat track. And it's a great time to play it because we just missed the cutoff about a week ago

before Bertrand announced why he is leaving for three months. It's now everywhere that he is in Serbia shooting his first feature film with legendary pictures and the great Mark Hamill is playing his father in the movie. So like literally as we were wrapping up last week, because I've known this for months and I couldn't say anything and because it wasn't public and we couldn't talk about it on two bears because it hadn't been announced yet, but they announced it as they were departing on a private jet to Serbia.

And it's just fun because Bert's always like, are you flying on a private jet? It's like, no, you are motherfucker. So yeah, it's pretty exciting, you know. I just, a lot of times I think about how unbearable will Bert be as a movie star. Oh my goodness. Nobody loves attention more and now he's going to be like, you know, I'm a movie star. It's going to be so ridiculous. He's going to have to tell when I was shooting my movie stories for the next decade.

When I was in Serbia, when I was shooting the machine, you're going to be like, Jesus, I think I speak for all of us, your friends, your family, and especially your fans. We hope this is the end of that story. I mean, we've already seen the special, the t-shirts, the fucking, the bits that's been animated. Let's make the movie it, all right? God. He loves that story. Well, it's a great story. It is a great story.

Well, congratulations, B-man. Good luck over there. Yeah, it's such an awesome thing. I mean, this is a major motion picture. It's wild. Like this big time movie, big time budget. I mean, and to have Mark Hamill, Luke Skywalker is playing his father. It's bananas.

It's so cool. I don't know who most of the other cast are, but that alone is just unbelievable. Very cool. It's a really cool, like the story. I don't know how much of it's publicized, but he told me the idea of it. I think it's going to be a really cool movie. It's going to be a hit. Yeah, I think it's going to be a great movie.

It's very exciting. And then he'll come back and we'll do Two Bears, and I'll just sit there for three months as he tells every story from Serbia. But I'm really excited to talk on Two Bears, and I'll get to. Yes, I think the fans will be excited to hear. You told me you checked out Two Bears, and you were like, when do you talk? Because we love Bert, but he does tend to stray and go off on tangents and stuff. And he's like, oh my God, that reminds me of this one time.

That reminds me of another thing about me. I know. I'm like, poor Tom. I can't get a word in. Yeah, somehow it just works though. I think it's just because I love him. Of course. We all love him.

He's the best. Yeah. That song is great too. He's the best, worst listener in the world. In honor of our good friend, our opening clip today, you ready? Sweet. Let's do it, bro. Let's do it.

Brett, Bert, Kaiser. It looks like Bert. But it's R right there. I don't know if the R is silent. Bert, Crazier. I never heard of Bert, Kaiser. I'm standing here with his shirt off, so. This shit is big time.

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn when the fuck is dead. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura.

And Christina Pajitz. Christina Pajitz. Welcome to your mom's house. Yeah. Bert, Kaiser. Kaiser, why would the R be silent? When is he, what language is the R silent? I don't know, it's so great though.

Bert, Crazier. Do you realize how many people are like, I hope when the movie comes out that the VO guy does that and it's starring Bert Crazier. That would be the best if we could pay. He's like, God damn it. He's called the fucking company. He's like, they couldn't get my name right again.

I wish we could pay that company to do that. Yeah. To ruin it in the trail. Yeah, something tells me they would be like, no, we don't want to ruin it. Maybe it's our multi-million dollar investment, but... Can I tell you something?

Yeah. I'm so disappointed in our lunch that we had. Yeah, what's going on? I want to redo lunch. Can I just order a second lunch? Am I allowed to do that? What did you have? I'm such a fucking asshole.

I'm trying to be healthy. I ordered a scoop of tuna and egg salad on lettuce. I didn't even get what I ordered, by the way. Not even close. Well, maybe we should. Let's redo lunch. But I mean, you've said you haven't been able to taste things for a long time.

I haven't tasted food in four months. Let me shit in your mouth. Who cares? That's what I'm saying. But I go by textures in what I enjoy texturally. Texturally, is that a word? I mean, if you want to do it, you know. You know what I have to do now is I eat excessively spicy food

because I can taste the spice. Just let me eat you. Yeah. So what's been happening is I order like Mexican bowls. Yeah. I'm talking ton of tapatio on there. And then I take fire shits, dude. Yeah.

But it's been good for me. It's a really cool story. And I've stopped drinking alcohol for the most part because I'm like, dude, how much of an alcoholic am I if I have to push like just to get faded and not taste the alcohol? Right? That's really crazy.

Real crazy. So the point is I'm ordering a second lunch. Can I do that? Is that allowed? Of course it's allowed. I mean, it's ridiculous, but it's allowed. You just had lunch. You know, you took another dump.

You've taken like three dumps today. I have taken a few dumps today. What's going on? I don't know exactly. I did, you know, every morning I eat and then I take all my vitamins and I didn't take my vitamins that I forgot to. So that bothered me. That's in my head.

I don't know if that affects my stomach. You think that would affect your balance? Yeah, because one of them I take is a probiotic. Oh. I take a whole, I take a slew of vitamins. Gotcha. I do it after I eat and I didn't today and just, I got here and it was just waterworks. I mean.

Yes. And you know, I don't know if the audience. I don't always say this to you. Yeah. But I don't think you should eat my ass today. Wow. You don't want your scrum lick today? No, I do want it, but I don't think you should.

Yeah. You know, because I don't know if the audience ever had closure on your colonoscopy and your diagnosis of your browns. It didn't really, I mean, it didn't get me really far. I think what's really changed is my diet has changed significantly in the last few months. How have you modified that? I mean, it's completely modified. I don't really eat any sugar, right?

No, you don't. I don't eat that many like breads or pastas or anything like that. I mean, pretty much eat the same. Oh, people have asked. So maybe I should just tell them. They're like, will you tell us what you're eating? Yeah. But that's what I'm saying.

They want to know. I mean, this is less about my bowels and more just about eating healthy. So I eat basically the same thing every day when I'm home. On the road, I have to modify it a little bit because you can't really totally duplicate when you travel, what you eat at home. If I go on tour and I'm on a bus, I'll be able to stock the bus with everything. So I should be able to duplicate it just fine. But okay.

So every morning, this is what I eat. I wake up. I try to drink 20 to 30 ounces of water first thing when I wake up. And he says, I hear you with that jug. It's the worst sound in the world. And then the goal most days, I like to have a half gallon done before noon. And then I know I only have another half gallon the rest of the day. Some days, especially if I do heavy cardio, I'll drink a gallon and a half of water.

So anyway, so let's say 8 a.m. that I have after my eggs and everything. After the water, I have some coffee. And then I have five egg whites and two whole eggs. So seven eggs, but five of them are just egg whites. Then I have a cup of spinach. Yes. And that's it. But you cook the spinach so it's much more sautéed.

It was just like a little bit of almond oil or something. Okay. And then. And then that's all I eat. The seven combined eggs and the sautéed spinach. That's about 8 o'clock. Then 11 a.m. I have that shake, which is a sunwarrior protein shake. Scoop of that with ice, a banana and water.

This is your mid-morning snackie? 11 a.m. Okay. And then usually around like one or two. I'll have lunch, which I try to keep it to either chicken or salmon. And then either sweet potato or some rice, like a cup of rice. And then like broccolini, broccoli or like chopped peppers or something. You know, red and green peppers, something like that.

That's healthy. Very nice. Yeah. So when we order here, like that's what I hate when I don't bring it with me because then I order off of the apps and it's just fucking dog shit. And then the next time I eat is usually a meal bar. So that'll be like around 3.30 or 4. So there's different protein bars.

I get this G2G protein bar and that's like has like 20 grams in it. And then 20 grams of protein. Okay. And then I eat again like around six or seven, something like that in that window 5.30 to seven. And that'll be kind of a duplicate of lunch, but just switch it up. So if I had sweet potato as a carb at lunch, I'll have a cup of rice with dinner and chicken or salmon and then another vegetable.

And then that's it. I'm not set. Five times a day. No treats. You're not, you're very no treats now. I don't really eat treats anymore. No. I mean lately.

You've cleaned it up. Yeah. So my bowels. These are all leads to my bowels. Yeah. Today, I don't know why it was very runny. I didn't like that at all. I know why.

I fed you sushi last night. You had sashimi. Yeah. See? So that was my, I had some salmon, like actual cooked salmon and some sashimi. But hoof. I mean. Liquid.

Today. Today. First dump was just so watery. So watery. Yeah. Just right out of the gate. And then you had to clean it up here or no, no, that was home. No, that was here.

And then you shit here. No, and I didn't shit at home. I don't think I did. Did I? Oh yeah, you did. Remember I was coming out. Oh, you're right. I was there.

So I have taken three shits today. Yeah. And to think that any shits like once a month. I can't even, I can't. I just still don't get it. How? How does he walk around with all that cargo? Do you know that people don't believe, like people who don't like listen to podcasts, I'll

be like, oh, I have a friend and they're like, no, you don't. I'm like, no, I'm serious. Yeah. I mean, I work with him every day. I still don't believe it. I don't know how the fuck he does it. But you've never seen him shit here probably, right? Never.

No. Never, ever. And think about how long he's here. Like on most days, it's five days a week. And you guys get here at what time normally? Like nine or 10. And you're here until like five or something like that? Five or six, yeah.

Yeah. And you've never, like he's the only one you've never seen go in the bathroom? Absolutely no. I mean, he'll pee. Right, right. If he didn't pee, we'd really have to like get rid of him, I think. And you know what's crazy? And I don't know about how much brown you make.

Yeah. I, yesterday, it was a travel day for me. I made like a pulsa kilbasa. It was like half, you know, when you get the loops, the farmer, John, Polish sausage, I swear to God, my second shit of the day was like half the loop. And to think that any is carrying that much caca in him. And that's like half of my brown. That's crazy.

That's so much caca. And he's tiny, like he's skinny. And he's a tiny little guy, little dude. So I don't know. It blows my mind. So we were discussing at lunch. We had a lunchtime discussion. I don't know how we got on the topic about the Middle East.

And you know, I feel like every time I talk, I'm turning into my dad because my dad would tell stories. And I remember being like, this guy's out of his fucking mind. There's no way this is true. And then slowly I realized like, oh, my dad was telling the truth that he's right. I'm fucking telling them things. And these little whipper snappers don't believe me. I go, I go, dudes, bro, in 2009, I did a USO military tour.

I remember this very clearly. You remember this. You're after a married. You went to Afghanistan. I did. That was, I think that was on a different trip. This trip I just did Dubai, Bahrain. No, it was the same trip.

Then I did Afghanistan later. Really? Uh-huh. I went back to the Middle East twice. Fuck. This trip I did Saudi Arabia. Would you do it again? No, not with children.

No. I did it because I support the troops. Thank you, America. So Bahrain, Dubai, Qatar. I'm sorry. Qatar is how they say it there. Riyadh, whatever. And then I went Somalia, Djibouti, Ethiopia.

Okay. That's what home homegirl did because she loves this fucking country. Okay. Yeah. Now. So I go, I'm on an oil platform called Abot. Abot is the name of it in between Iran and Iraq in the Persian Gulf. They fucking, first picture, go ahead.

This is me and the other comedians I was with. They're on a boat and we're being lowered onto this oil. This is different. That's the spy ship. This is hilarious. So that's me. Here I am in 2009 getting lowered to get on that little boat and that's going to take us to Abot.

It's an oil platform in the middle of the Persian Gulf. So Abot is a mile long oil platform. Half is American. The other half, Iraqi. The theory being that the Americans are training the Iraqis to take over this territory and protect their own oil. So I'm on this oil platform for like, I think three or four days because the weather turns bad and we can't get off and whatever.

Along the way, I see this spy ship, an Iranian spy ship pulls up. Go ahead. That's right there. So I'm telling these whipper snappers a story. I go, yeah, the Iranians are spying on them and there's a ship. Here it is right here. The ship, they just blacked out the word Iran. That's an Iranian oil tanker or whatever and they're spying on the Iraqis.

So I'm telling the whipper snappers this. Yeah. And he's still shaking his head. What are you shaking your head about? You're fucking out of your mind, old lady. This is not like, we weren't like, what, there's spy ships? That's not the part we were questioning. Okay.

Okay. I got you. So I'm here. I'm in this oil and they're already looking at me like I'm fucking drugs. Plus by the way, the Iranians and the Iraqis, if they're looking in this booth, they'd be like, we got our eyes on you too, but you know, exactly where you're from, keep going. So I tell them, so this is the top. So this is on, this is on, I'm on a bot here and here I am playing with one of the guns.

You like just manning an M50 or something. But I'm the comedian on the ship with two other comics and they let me play with their guns. Now I'm up on this part of ABOT. This is the, I think this is the Iraqi side. I'm on the Iraqi side and this wonderful, wonderful man is giving us a tour. Shout out to Dick. He knows who he is.

We still keep in touch. Dick says to me, so you see those mattresses over there. I go, what are you talking mattresses? Yeah. I go, there's like a few of them. They've pushed up against the wall. See these mattresses mashed against the wall. He goes every Thursday, the Iraqis put down the mattresses on here on top and they have

man love Thursdays. And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Man love Thursdays where they eff each other. They get freaky and horny and they eff each other because there are no women on ABOT for them to fuck. That would be tough. That would be tough. So it's, it's, you know, what's that situational homosexuality as they say.

And these guys did not believe me until I... Did you think about, did you think about volunteering for like the better of humanity to be like, why don't you guys get a shot? It's funny you mentioned that because I had to perform on this oil platform and the Iraqi men were in such a frenzy. It was me and one other female comedian and a male comic. The Iraqi men were in the back. The Americans were in the front.

They don't understand what the fuck I'm saying. The Iraqi soldiers, obviously, but they have an ice cream social. This is true in the middle of the platform to unite the Iraqis and the Americans. And so as we're performing too, there's ice cream social, the Iraqi men are getting all fired up and then they want to take photographs with the girl and I who are performing. And Dick says, no, no, no, no fucking pictures. Don't let these Iraqis touch her because they're going to. And I slept on this oil platform Debbie was her name, the other comic and I.

I slept in a fucking tin, you know, metal, whatever cargo thing with beds in it. And they had a guy sitting in front with the machine gun all night because he's like, Dick later told me he's like, yeah, those Iraqis would have raped you. He would have been raped on that boat for sure on the platform. But these Webber snappers did not believe me about Man Love Thursday. They do now and they my brother didn't believe me. And if you Google Man Love Thursday, the reason they do it, they fuck on Thursday is because that is the first day of the weekend.

Middle Eastern culture. I can't believe how big a stick was and anybody in the military listening. If you served in the Middle East, OK, during my year in Afghanistan, I often heard the term Man Love Thursday because Thursday was the last day of the Afghan work week, Friday being a holy day. Thursday night was when affluent Afghans engaged socially, sort of like Friday or Saturday night in the States. However, women are not allowed out in the streets.

Yeah, of course. And the men as they shouldn't be part. That's what it is. Women should stay home always. But please corroborate any military listening about Man Love Thursday because. Yeah, you did not fucking believe me and you still don't believe me. No, that's crazy. I go, they fuck everywhere on Thursdays.

It's Man Love Thursday. It's more the fact that like it's it's put yourself in our shoes. If someone's just like, oh, yeah, I went on the ship. All the dudes fuck each other on Thursdays. Like, what's your reaction? That's fair. That's fair enough. I've known this story for so long that I'm like, yeah, of course they butt fuck on Thursdays. That's probably not a normal reaction.

But I also remember when we first told this story, yeah, because you told it like that long ago, basically. Yeah, podcast started about a year later. And you've definitely told this story. It's been a long time and getting corroborated by other military people. Thank you. But I'm telling you, I feel like I'm that crazy old lady. First of all, I would never lie to you, boys. I would never lie. I would never make.

I think that's why I'm so offended. I mean, I don't lie. Of course. Do you think that this is bullshit here? Oh, my God. Is that a joke to you? It was horrible. Do you believe that? That was so bad.

And I don't want to see his balls. Why don't you show me? You know, when it's wet, there's a wet spot in his asshole. That was terrible. Yeah, that was the point. God. Would you make a video like this and sell it of you farting like this? Oh, yeah, by the way, would I?

Yeah, you don't think there's guys out there that don't want to see you farting in your chonies? I have a couple of jobs now that work. I don't think I'm here yet. Still selling tickets for right now. Maybe when the tickets slow down after you finish your jackoff arena tour. Yeah, we're going to remain in front of people. Should we mention the fact, by the way, that I mean, should we surprise

the Cinco de Mayo people or should we just tell them who's going to pop? Well, now that you're bringing the cat out of the bag. I mean, shouldn't we just tell them? I think we should tell them, Gene. We're so excited that, you know, we could have announced this before. But when we do the live recording of your mom's house with a full audience, it's going to be so fun at the West Palm Beach Improv on May 5th, we are bringing with us the great and the one and only Duncan Trussell.

He's going to be on stage with us and especially for some heavy videos. So Duncan is so funny and we couldn't think of anybody better. Yeah, to sit with a live audience. You know, his take on stuff is always so unique and so fun. So great. Yeah. So that's so excited. That's really exciting that he's going to be there with us. And we called him this morning and I was just listening and he was like, yeah, man.

He was so excited and he's like, yeah, you go. We're going to show them some crazy clips and he goes, all right, man. He was so excited. So good to hear. He's just fun to be around that guy, you know, such good energy. He's got the best energy of anybody I know. And I don't talk to him that often. But every time I see him, I get a good, you know, a good feeling.

Duncan's an OG. Yeah, he's an OG gangster. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah, man. Yeah, man. Yeah, far out. That'll be a good one. Real good one. That is disgusting. Take this fucking man's asshole.

You are so nasty. OK, I'll give you one that you might like more. You know, our. So why don't you show this to me? I feel like you wanted to hurt me. He's all hairy and tie-dyed. You know, I'm trying, right? I want to dig in your booty.

So the thing about I'm shy and he he's always updating very regularly now. He's posting videos all the time, you know. I want to lick them droves. And yeah, he has a lot of female followers and he stays in touch with them, you know, sends them personal messages, but makes them public sort of like certain tiktokers do. Let me put my tongue in your hands.

And here's here's one of his his updates. I'm by the way, I'm very happy that he's taking care of himself in the sense that he's always has a mask on. I think I would if I were making the visit, I would say, just take the mask off for the video, maybe if you're just alone. But maybe it's sending the right message. Wear the mask. Yeah, Tom, you forget now that

Unkshine is a public figure and he has to set a good example now. It's not he's not just some unknown guy. It's true. Well, here's his latest. Hey, Vicky, how you doing, baby girl? I'm cool and yeah, Vicky, you're so beautiful. My baby, can I massage your feet? If you don't mind, please. You're gonna feel good, baby.

All the time, Vicky, let me massage your feet. Please, come on, girl. Let me massage your feet and really come on, man. That's my girl. That's my baby. OK, you got real aggressive. I would say he has similar improv skills to the king because this seems like a one way conversation, but it seems like

he's, you know, he's almost reacting to input that isn't there. I got to say, I thought he was talking to a girl right here. I didn't realize that was one sided. That's how good he is. Yeah, you know, what's a banana split? You know, he just takes that. I know what's a banana split. Yeah, I think we do know.

Yep. Yeah, you all know what's a banana. Oh, that's some good, good. Yeah, but I mean, these are this was, I think, for a specific lady. Yeah, but it's public. He's going to do it to the king when he goes once. Yeah, he's like, good morning. What? I slept good.

Same thing. He said, I want your feet, too. Jeez, he's really moved into feet now. But booties and feet, which I got to say, great two body parts to be into, you know, get in there, get in the ass. Little foot action, the last action. Really doesn't make me feel good to hear. Yeah. OK.

That no, no, no. He is a ladies man, for sure. Yeah. That's sweet talk. He got real aggressive at the end. He really wanted it. Can I massage your feet? If you don't mind, you don't mind.

I mean, that is very personal. Yeah. It's not a casual. It's going to go somewhere with him. Oh, yeah, that doesn't. This is not like a one and done, like, OK, do you feel relaxed now? It's going to those hands are going to go up your legs. It's not a casual foot rub. Why don't you ever give me a foot rub?

I'm happy to. I want cuddles. I want foot rub. Sure, no problem. I want head scratchies. Babe, I do all those things. But all those things always lead to fucking. Yeah, but that's what I'm into.

But how do I get those scratchies and pets and foot rubs and not independent of porking? Can you do it after we fuck? Are you just too disinterested in me after you come? Good point. The come and go. The come and go. I mean, I think, I think, no, I think post post love, it's fine to do those.

You would? Yeah, because if it's pre love, I'm going to want the love. Any time, and I take this as a great reflection of our relationship and how much you cherish me, like any time I ask for snuggies or cuddles, affection, it turns to sex. But I take that as a compliment that you're still interested in me sexually. Thank God. Yeah. So you're saying that when you begot next time, I can put in the request.

Yeah. I mean, can I have a minute? How much time do you need before you can give me affection? It depends on what kind of affection you're looking for. I want a foot rub. That's going to take a little more time, just because it takes a little more focus and effort. If you want, like, cuddle or head scratch, that doesn't take as much effort. Okay.

You can kind of lay there. So if you give it to me before you begot, how long of a foot rubby can I? Oh, you can get, no, you can get a good one. Yeah? Yeah, sure. How long? But I mean, like, it might be a good foot rub, and then you're like, oh, you want to lay down and be like, well, if you want to go to sleep, it's still going to work for me.

Yeah. Do I hear consent? Here we go. Please. What? What? Can I be asleep when you do it to me? Yeah.

Really? Sure. That'd be great. Won't be the first time for me. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever you want. I got you.

You want to go to sleep? Yeah. That'd be so easy for me. Sure. I've seen, I've clicked on those videos a few times. Oh, perfect. And let's go. What are you waiting for?

Yeah. Especially, my favorite is the sleeping blowjob video, or she's like, I didn't even know there was a sleeping blowjob video. Oh, yeah. We can make one. I'll show you exactly how. No, thanks. No?

So listen. Yeah. I saw on my journeys, I saw a taxidermied raccoon in a bar. What? Yeah. I saw a taxidermied raccoon, but this artist had put bedazzles all over it. It was like a sparkle raccoon, and I really wanted it. So there's this artist out there that taxidermies animals, and then paints on them, or bedazzles

them. And I'm like, is that ethical? Is that okay? Like it feels weird to like it. Yeah. Is it weird that I like that? I don't think it's weird. Is it okay to have a taxidermied bedazzle?

It's like so disrespectful to the animal. It's not okay for us, but that person can keep it. Oh, because I already bought it. Oh, for fuck's sake. No, you did not. Yeah. You bought a taxidermied, a sparkled raccoon? It was $10,000.

Shut the fuck up. Now I know you're fucking foolish. Why? I loved it. 10 grand? I'll show you a picture of it. It was so dope. Well, it's art, babe.

It's timeless. We can... Here, should I send it to the guys? You didn't think I'd want to weigh in on this? Who do I send it to? I airdrop it. I mean, no, what do you care? It's for my birthday.

Actually, it's for your birthday. Yeah, sure. We'll just look at it. Okay. I think it'll dig it. It was 10 grand because it's a piece of art. Can we put it in our new house in Texas? Okay.

I was hoping you wouldn't mind. See? Isn't that cool? Bullshit. Isn't that rad? I mean... It's rad. I was going to name it Erika.

Erika? Yeah. Why? I like the name Erika. No. It's a girl. It's a female raccoon. That's definitely not going in the house.

Yes, it is. Going in your fucking room. It's going in your fucking room. You sound like my mother. Yeah. It's not going in my room. I'm going to put that in your office. No, you're not.

No, you're not. It's a nice gift for you. Now, we're building you an outhouse and that's where you're going to fucking live with that thing. You don't like the sparkle raccoon? No. But I bought it. It's too late.

It's being shipped to our house in Texas. $10. Well, I figured we want like a showstopper piece. Yeah. Like you want something that people ask about. Okay. What's that? It's my sparkle raccoon Erika.

I got you a mold of my asshole with sparkles on it. That's going to be the showstopper. Would you do that? What? Mold your asshole and put sparkles on it? No, I don't think so. I think I would pass on that. All right.

Well, wait until you see Erika. I think you'll feel differently. Okay. I have to fart. I wish I had a fart, Mike. Oh, Jesus Christ. What happened on the plane? Did you hear it?

Yeah, I heard it. What happened on the plane? Burm. Okay. What happened on the plane? I was in first class because I fucking earned it. Okay. I've been in comic for a million years and this douchebag next to me.

Fart. Thank you. What's the story? Like, it's dark as fuck. It's the first flight out. It's the worst. And he's the only a-hole. He's open and both open.

Both. And then he's like a child where he has to be watching his stupid show with his earbuds. I don't get this, by the way, because this happened to me last week too, where it was all the way open and they're watching something. You realize the glare is making it harder to watch. Yes. The fuck are you doing? I almost was going to tell him.

I feel like at this point, do I have a right to tell them, like, everyone else has their- Yes. Yeah. Hey, do you mind? We're all trying to sleep on this. Like- I mean, I had a hoodie on. I put the hoodie over my eyes.

I had glasses on. I always get the aisle seat. You know why? I get peeing anxiety. So do I. I get the aisle seat too. That's why I get aisle- That's why I get aisle-

Just for peeing anxiety. Because I'm always like, I'm going to have to pee a lot. Me too. That's why I get it. But like, I wish I had window more just to be like- Uh-uh. No. But let me ask you this.

Because I have- I do window too for that reason. What about- You know that window that's kind of in between your seat and the person's behind you? Yeah. It's like, who's is it, right? Who's is it? And they leave that one open and now-

I'll tell you what. It's fucking mine. That's who it is. So what I'll do is I'll go back and I'll go, do you mind if I? Oh yeah. And I'll ask. That's polite. They act like they have say in it.

Yeah. But it's really my will. Yeah. I don't get these stare at the- I mean, Jesus Christ. It really is like, that's who says fucking Expresso. Expresso. You know?

If you have the window open on the AM flight, you fucking say Expresso. And you're fucking idiot. And you stare at the window. And it's like also like two hours later, they're still like- I know. He's still looking. It's white. We're in the fucking clouds.

Do you want to just shut it now? I know. And then he would do this thing where- Oh, the like- Oh, it's like- That's a theatrical yawn. Yeah. Like he wants to be seen, he wants to be heard.

Ah! Come on, man. Yeah. And then there was no Wi-Fi on the plane because the satellite wasn't working or whatever. And then he was throwing a fit to the- There's no Wi-Fi! Oh, yeah. Like I can't entertain myself because I'm a fucking idiot.

Yeah, you can get through a fucking couple hours. Two hours. Yeah, without Wi-Fi. He was throwing a baby fit. I was like, guys, shut the fuck up. Like I- You know what the other one that sets me off? This happened last week too.

I almost asked the guy, are you fucking out of your mind? Where I was sitting in the aisle seat and he's here and he starts to walk into the- Walk into the row while I'm seated. I was like, hey, man. Wait, walk in to sit to his seat. Yeah, I was like, I'll get up and leave. Like you're not my fucking lady. Where like you walk in front of me while I'm sitting.

He puts your dick in his- Yeah, the fuck out of here, man. I was like, yo, dude, what are you doing? I know because he was a pretty big guy so he was going to get in after it. And I was like, I'll just get up. You're so clueless. Of course. You're such a dummy.

Of course. You think I want your fucking man legs rubbing up against me? Asshole. Or the best is when people, when you're sitting in the aisle and then the guy is getting his suitcase up here and then his asshole is right in your shoulder and you're like, you know what you're doing, right? Your asshole is on my shoulder. Absolutely fucking worse, man.

People are so fucking horrible. Now I'm starting to hate humanity again. I know. Now I'm back out there. The rage is building again, too. Yeah. The other thing I do is I always wear headphones in the airport, either earbuds or like big ones.

And sometimes I can hear some people talking to me and I ignore them, you know? That's really psychotic. Who's talking to you? I just hear someone say my name or something and I'll always be like, like just like- Like a fan? Yeah, just somebody will say like, hey, you know, Tom or, and I'll always be like, don't hear you, don't hear you. And then sometimes when I'm on a flight, my seat mate will talk to me and I'll just

be like, and they'll be like, I can hear them being like, hey, do you hear me? And I'll be like, and I'll make, I'll wait until they like tap me. And then I'll be like, what's that? And I'm just like, okay, because I don't want to have a conversation with you. God, you're such a psycho. You're way crazier than I am. That's real. That's real.

Well, you know when I did one time, I think I said this before. I felt guilty about it later, but someone started a conversation with me and I had, I made the mistake to ask them a question when they started like telling them, I go, what was that like? And they started a fucking three series novel. And after a few minutes, I just put my headphones back on while they were talking. It was bad because it was like, it was a sad story too. It was like.

Oh my God. So I was like, oh wow. And then they're like, yeah. So as we came up over the hill and I was like, yeah. I mean, I gave them a few minutes. I gave them a few minutes, but then I covered up and then I was, I was like, well, that was a nice volume. You just gave me with your story.

Later on, I was like, that was probably not cool. Gosh, you're terrible. You're a terrible person. It was a terrible story. Was it tragic story? It's just like when you meet people after a show, you're doing a meet and greet and you're like, hey, hey, and people are cool. And then the one guy's like, I got a quick story for you right away.

I'm like, I don't like people stories. I don't like it. Cause their story is always like one time, I was with my friend and we, we didn't have nowhere to go. So we were waiting and you're like, I would like to have a heart attack right now just to get at it hearing your story. Yeah. There's a few people I've had in recent experience.

My friend was like, hey, I was like, uh-uh. You ever talk to the person that always makes it a downer story about their own lives? Well, that's who you put on headphones for. You're just like, yeah. That's what, yeah. Like, um, oh, do you want to see a picture of my, my dog? Yeah. I had a dog died of cancer last year and then I got a divorce and then, you know, my, she

got custody of the kids and then you're like, oh my God. Get out of here, man. Yeah. I just want to show you a picture of my dog. I hate it. I know. It's horrible. All right.

I have to fart again. All right. Let's take a quick break. Be right back. If you have not yet seen blowing the light on YouTube, you can see it right now. Also check out our guest podcast, Long Days. Give it up for Yannis Papas, everybody right here. Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming. I have to tell you, out of the gate, I am a huge, I feel like a lot of comedians don't really grasp or understand that we are all just by nature entrepreneurs and the fact of like putting out your own special, it's my favorite thing to like celebrate, push, like everybody should be doing this all the time. I just applaud you for doing it. Thank you. Yeah, awesome.

Innovator, good. Andrew Schultz produced it. He directed it, produced it, put it together. And we do it up. We do it up. We do it up. It's like doing that too. Yeah.

Yeah. We, yeah, because when I started, I was like, we were kind of like in between. We seem around the same age, right? We're all 60 something. Yeah. I'm 64. Yeah. I'm 44.

44. I get messaged every day. Dude, you're not 50 something. Like... His Smurf day is coming up. Yeah, that's true. It's like the industry kind of changing. Now it's like change.

Kids coming up are like who's, you know, they don't know any stand-ups. Yeah. They're like David Daniel Dobrik. My world is crumbling. He's the rapist. Yeah. Yeah. He's all they're talking about.

Yeah. Can't believe he's the rapist. But when we were coming, it was like in between. Yeah. We were still doing the half hours, but then also... That's right. Yeah. And I remember like I had some characters that blew up on the internet and then I was

selling tickets and I didn't understand it. I didn't. Yeah. I was ashamed of it. Really? Yeah, because I was good friends with like Nate and all these guys who were doing this and half hours and Nate Bargatsy. Yeah.

And I was going like, I'm doing something wrong. I'm ashamed of it. So I would like shamefully sell out Carolines and be like, I'm sorry. I felt bad about it. I shot the video in my apartment, my rent control apartment. And that sold tickets. So I remember it was when Delia was doing that Whitney show and he had like billboards. Yeah.

But it was before he went on, what was the TikTok before it was TikTok? Vine. Vine, yeah. And he got big. Yeah. And I remember he did a weekend before me and he did so pretty good, but they still pulled the curtain back. Yeah.

And it was sold out off the videos. Off of the video? But I still didn't even click in my head like, oh, keep doing this. I was still like ashamed. I was like, I need a TV job. And I went to Miami and wasted a year at a network called Fusion. Yeah. After that.

Did you do, you did a gig there though? I did a gig in Miami, which was good because I broke up with my ex-girlfriend who was a comic. You guys make it work, but I'll never date someone with a headshot again. Yeah. And I was depressed and Miami's the place to go if you're depressed to fuck other people from other countries. So what was your game when you got to Miami?

My game was, well, my character was big in Miami. It was? So it was easy pussy. Can I say that on there? You can say whatever you want. This is very Christmas. Go ahead and let it go for a minute. Oh yeah.

So my character is Maureesa. She was a transgendered Puerto Rican woman, but I say she's half Puerto Rican half Czech just to protect against the PR police. Not Puerto Rican police, but the public relations police. So she got massive in Miami with Cuban. So I was kind of known and the women, it's a character women and gays love. Yeah. Yeah.

So I started already. Can you do her? That's it. That's it. Have you ever heard that expression? Oh, I'm trying to go to Washington. That's I need somebody to pay for my tits and that's it not not to be judgmental about my feet.

How much I love that accent. I love that. That's it. I was in 2010. I created her. She was transgender. That's it. She used to wear a head of you are definitely ahead of it.

I was ahead of the game. I mean, Schultz even said I inspire him to do that to, you know, manipulate Charlemagne to start a podcast and build that fan base. That's it. You're yeah. That's amazing. So I had her and then I had the most partners. He's like a Greek.

He's a Greek racist. Yeah. So he always was bringing the Greeks, but there's only one million Greeks in in America's so. Yeah. Yeah. I was Indian. I'd be fucking.

I'd be too big for this. So would you go fucking people with Aziz fishhooking people with these selling out fingers down your throat. Yeah. I just love knowing that he does that. He likes that. Wait. Was it a fish?

Fish hooked them. Yeah. Oh, because I thought he was just fucking her mouth. No, I think he fishhooked and held on. Yeah. Wow. Savage. I didn't know he had it in.

Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know it either. I didn't know it. When you meet, well, like you see his comment, you're going like, I bet you he fishhooks. Why do you? Do you think? Because he's so just like Milanese in rehab.

I knew it. Yeah. You know what I mean? Vince champ rape. I kind of guessed it. Bill Cosby, my first suspect. My good friend. I can't wait for that fucking variety article.

Dead hookers in Nashville. Oh man. It's always the opposite of what you have. Yeah. Of course. You know why? My theory is it's big. Okay.

If you don't talk about your dick as a male comic, I don't trust you. Right. On stage. Because they're not letting the dark side show. We embrace our dark sides as comedians. That's how you got to do it. The light in the dark, man. The like the light.

They're suppressing that dark side. The clean guys that I know, man. You get them off stage and you start talking, you're like, there's some fucking dark shit cooking in here. Oh yeah. Yeah. And they don't let it out. Like, you know, Bargats has got the bodies in his fucking yard.

I heard he was anti-Semitic. Didn't you talk about that on two bears? I thought there was something. He doesn't. No, no, no, no. That's not, that's not, no. On two bears, what happened was Bert said that, and then this should be real clear. Just that he thinks Nate and Hitler have a lot in common.

So by the way, let's make that real clear. Real clear. Nate, not anti-Semitic, similar to Hitler. Right. Okay. In other areas. In other areas. People can share different qualities.

Here's the analysis, the algae that Bert made. Hitler was born in Austria, but all of a sudden he's running Germany. Right. Nate didn't go to Vanderbilt, but he's a huge fan. Right. And that's how they're similar. That's a good point. I see it.

Very clear. I will say this. Nate used to drink. He doesn't anymore, which means obviously there's a lot of good stories from him. Oh yeah. One of my favorites is when he went up to Louis Katz. You guys know Louis Katz in the comic? We were drunk in a bar.

He just goes up to Louis. He's like real drunk. He just stares at Louis. He's quiet. And Louis just looks at him and awkwardly starts laughing because Nate just stares at him and then he just goes, Nate just goes, I don't respect your people. And they just walked away. So he's not anti-Semitic when he's sober, but he's a funny anti-Semitic when he's

drunk. They didn't say anything else. My stories got evidence. That's amazing. I don't respect your people. We're the fucking ruining Nate right now. One of the funniest comics. Nicest guy too.

Nicest guy. And he's obviously not anti-Semitic. Yeah. But it's a good point because you notice with the serial killers, the best way to hide who you are is to pretend to be the opposite. Ted Bundy. Yeah, Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy represented himself in court.

Did he not? Yeah. He did a really poor job. And he was also like a nice guy, well-quaffed. Attractive. Good looking. You pretend to be injured and weak and then you fucking bite your tit off. Yeah.

That's what he liked. There's that tape, like it's one of his last tapes because he talked to an FBI agent. When it was already like you're on death row, you're going to die. And they're asking him like, because he would deny murders. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Even, and then it's like the like two weeks before and he's like, all right. So he's telling them, he's telling the one agent about how he had the cast on and he

asked this girl to help him like with put stuff in the car. Yeah. Yeah. Could you help me with this couch? Yeah. It's way dead end. He's like we have to work for trouble. Silence of the land.

Yeah. And then he clubs her. Yeah. With the cast, right? Yeah. In the cast. Cool. He clubs her, but she's not unconscious.

And she goes, is this for my Spanish test tomorrow? And he thought that was really funny and he told the FBI agent, he's like, she thought it was for the Spanish test. I'm still waiting. I mean, guys, that's the funny part. He didn't lose a sense of humor. Yeah. Yeah.

Stay loose. Stay loose. Stay loose. Stay loose. Be like water. Be like a favorite serial killer. No. Like a guy that you really just grind it out to.

No. I don't admire them. It's just like, you know, it's just good stories. You know what I mean? Everyone likes a good story. I admire their attention to detail, work ethic, consistency. Yes. You got to stay organized.

Organized. They always get caught when they get sloppy. So it's sloppy. Or when they brag, they have to keep their mouth shut. Most of the serial killers won't. Or by their touring schedule. Vince Champ. Yeah.

Of course. I like his name still on the wall at the comedy magic club. You could have painted over that. Yeah. But he did a set. Well, that's what it is nowadays. It's like, you almost are worse if you say something bad than if you do some. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah. It's like Vince is on the wall, but you know who made a black choke we didn't like? Yeah. Organized.

Yeah. Like, hold on. That guy's a rapist. Yeah. What? He had a decent Carson, though. Yeah. He was built for a five minute.

Yeah. Yeah. Vince was on Star Search. Star Search. Yeah. Yeah. He was? Yeah.

He did well on it, I think. Yeah. And then he would tour at the schedule. Do you know about Vince Champ? So he was raping women on his touring schedule. Yeah. Is that accurate? Yeah.

That was his after show. That's how he would ball out after a show. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of colleges. He would go to colleges and then he would, he would, he'd hide on campus. There's Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby and his wonky eye.

Yeah. His crazy eye. Yeah. And then he would pray with them. He would make them pray with him afterwards. Vince would? Yeah. Because I got obsessed with it.

I read all about it. He would like, he would meet them and he would like hide in like music halls or like, like you know, buildings on campus and he'd stalk someone and then he'd catch them, rape them and then he'd make them pray with him. Sodomize them and then make them pray with him. Wow. That's clearly a guilty thing on his part. Yeah.

I often like see the comics and serial killers have similar, we have similar skill sets. Yeah. Glyb, Charisma. Yep. We lie a lot. Yeah. You know, we're good with people, manipulation. That's so true.

Yeah. We also like, we never admit we're wrong. Like you know, some of the good comics aren't sociopaths, but you meet some of the young ones and you watch them bomb and they get off and they're like, crowd's great, man. You're like, did I just watch, it's the same thing as Ted Bundy going like, you know, I didn't kill anyone. You know what? I will say, having seen the Bill Cosby picture, could you bring that up again with his wonky

eye? The neat part about Bill Cosby is that he really grew into his rapist persona. Like you see the pictures now of Bill and you're like, he looks like a rapist now, doesn't he? Like he doesn't look like a rapist. Yeah. That's a bad, that's a bad picture. Yeah.

Uh-oh. What's over there? Yeah. No. Like he didn't before and now it doesn't he kind of, he looks like a rapist. This speaks to his level of narcissism too. So he would get paroled based on his age and everything, but part of getting parole is you and especially because he's been convicted, you have to admit guilt and he was like, then

I won't get paroled. So he goes to the parole hearings. Wow. Yeah. But so he would get out. He's in his 80s. Great. He's like, nope, I'll serve the full term.

Yeah. Just because I'm. You almost respect the count. I mean the confidence commitment. Yeah. He had that count. That's what made him so good on stage. He was so comfortable in silences.

Yes. He would pause. He wouldn't get nervous. Really pause. Really pause. Most comics can't do it. I don't think anyone with feelings could do it. Yeah.

Yeah. Because you get nervous and you go on bombing, but not a rapist count. Which is like something to celebrate about rapist comedians is they're so comfortable with those pauses. That's so. They're unencumbered with that type of nervousness that kind of makes you lack stage presence. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean he really pulled you in. He did. Pulled you in. But Cosby would also do a thing where he would call the girl after he raped them and be like, you know, you should really watch out out there. There's a lot of bad guys out there. So be careful. Yeah.

You're like, whoa dude. What kind of bad guy? Well guys like me. Yeah. It'd be funny if he also lectured him on not cursing. Don't curse. Oh my God. That's right.

Bad to curse. Which takes us back to these clean guys. You know the clean guys that are like there's always something, something going on. They're hiding something. Yes. They're hiding something. And like the filthiest, filthiest comics are like the nicest people. Always.

It always seems that that seems to be the pattern. Yeah. You meet them off stage and they're like, you have to do social work. They take care of old people. Yeah. Then they get on stage and they're like, I'm fucking a nun in her asshole and my mother's dick. I'm sucking my mother's dick and I'm fucking killing Chinese.

They're getting it out. Yeah. They're getting it out. Yeah. Yeah. We need to get it out. Yeah. That's true.

In the last episode, you're converting the dog to Catholicism, he's Jewish, he wants to convert. I do think in our private lives, we're really good people. Maybe that's why, because you and I can be so horrible here and on stage. Yeah, you're getting out. You're purging those demons. Yes. It's the equivalent of like a painter, you know, painting something absolutely horrific.

Yeah. You're getting your, you know what I mean? Yeah. You're getting the evil inside of you out. Yeah. If you're a comedian, you have to let it out somehow. Otherwise. Yeah.

Bad things on your tour schedule. Yeah. Now, you guys are Catholics. Yeah. Did you get got or did you black out any part of your childhood that you can't remember or anything? No, no, I didn't get got. But I...

You got to ask. It's a high percentage chance. I did. I did one time. I'll tell you the last time. This is a true story. I'm not joking. The last time I went to confession, I was like 18 or something.

Was it confession in English or Spanish? English. So it's a bigger audience, but still could make money if you did it in Spanish. So I was still like, you know, pretty fearful and guilt ridden about everything. And I would, so I would confess everything. And I forget what it's called, but you know, there's like the partition and like there's a little hole. You can't really see through it.

And I was telling the priest that I had masturbated and he sounded like he was getting off on it. Jesus. Yeah. He said, what did you hear? That he was like, he started to breathe having, he was like, how many times? Oh my God. I was like, sitting there, I was like, oh, fuck.

Did you juice up the story just because you felt like you had a... You know what I did? Because there's like... Now you had something to live up to. There's little holes in there. Oh no. And I jerked off through the holes. And I go, there's one for you.

Spray your loaves through the holes. Spray those holes, yeah. He was like... No, it fucked me up though. It fucked me up because I was like, this dude is getting off on this right now. It fucked me up. I was like, oh man, and I never did it again. And I'd done it my whole life basically, you know?

That's scary. Yeah. Catholic Church is really like women are safe, it seems. Yeah. There's no predators... Finally, one safe space for us. Yeah. The safe space for women where there's no predators is Catholic Church, ironically.

Yeah, yeah. If you're a young male, just don't dress cute. You know? Just don't wear good church clothes. Yeah. I recommend. Don't clean your ass. Just be dirty.

Now knowing what we know, I have two boys, I would never, never leave them at a church for anything. No. I actually think the Catholic Church was set up to molest boys. That's my theory. Yeah? Yeah. Think about it.

You call them father. They're against abortion. Of course they're against abortion. Why? They rape kids. Motherfucker supply. Yeah. Unwanted children is who they rape.

Yeah. So of course they want to make those kids. That's their supply. It's... Call them father. Nobody questions father. For me, the most fucked up thing of the whole thing, if like you read the art, you study like, you know, all these stories, the most fucked up part of the whole thing is how from

an organizational standpoint, they move the guys around. That's the worst part. That to me was like... What do you think there should be? I mean, the fact is like... Less punishment? That's a lot of punishment. Oh yeah, you know, it's...

It's got to move his fan. I mean, it's got to move his stuff. You got to find new kids. It's got to find, you know, it's got to get acclimated to a new town. I mean, it's harsh. That's harsh. It is pretty harsh. It's harsh.

Yeah. So you're like... He's got a favorite diner he can't go to anymore. It was never fucking like... Yeah. You're done. They were like, guess what? You've been fucking kids?

Well, you're going to Boise. What the fuck? I know. That might be punishment enough. Yeah. It's funny too that they didn't even fire them, let alone they go to jail. Never. Yeah.

Never. It's just like thousands of stories of... Yeah. It's not like if you heard that story once, you'd be like, that's such a scandalous story. If you read, if you dive into it, they're like, oh no, like somebody who oversaw these hundred guys, they just move them to like different places. It's crazy. Tom.

Is that because it's hard to be a priest and it's just hard to find new guys? No, there's got to be endless supply. You know what those guys are? What? Knuckleheads. Big time knuckleheads. Yeah. You're a real knucklehead if you fuck a kid.

Yeah. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. I mean, I got fired for lying to my boss once. Let alone like... And you didn't fuck anybody. Did you fuck that kid?

Yeah. All right. We're going to have to sit here. Wait. I want to go back to Miami. Yeah. When you get to Miami. Yeah.

So people know the character. Yeah. Would you go to like clubs, bars, the beach? Like what would you do? So Fusion was a network that was created by Univision and Disney, ABC News. So it was supposed to be a young, cool network for diversity and Latinos. Yep. English speaking.

So it was, since it was owned by Univision, it was just the hottest, most exotic women around. Like that scene is just like... Ridiculous. They celebrate sex and sexiness in a way that Catholics and Greeks and Protestants were kind of shamed. Yeah. Whites are like, what's happening?

Yeah. You know, put more clothes on. They're coming in like 80 year old grandma with tits and fucking, you know. I'm telling you, I'm going to celebrate this because I went to Mexico after I had COVID. And I saw all these Mexican women just like, hey puppy, like tits out, heels. And I came back and what did I do? You fucked me. I fucked you.

And I bought horse clothing so that we could go out to dinner with my tits out. And I said, you know what? I'm not getting any younger. I'm not getting any cuter. I don't give a fuck. And now for our trip coming up, I bought Hori bathing suits with sparkles. I'm gonna have to give a fuck. What do I care?

It's for him. No, it's true dude. I mean, when I was in Miami, every, you could tell how many months you've been in Miami by how many buttons are unbuttoned on your shirt. Every month's new button going down. So by the time I was there, it was like, it's just open. It's just open. I love it.

Just fucking open. I love Miami. Yeah. It was like, and yeah, you just, I had a, it was a pretty decent paying job. So I had like an apartment in Brickle with like floor to ceiling windows. And my goal was to get the women into that apartment. Right. And they're like, that's nice.

You can see the whole city here. And I was like, yeah, you know, that's where you go to fuck, man. It's where you go to fuck. Yeah. I written them. That's one of our, our most famous like stories of our life is that her dad used to have an apartment on South Beach, like a condo, like primo one of the top three places to have real estate in America.

Prime time. And it was the most Southern condominium on South Beach. Okay. I mean, it was just unbelievable. It's like Pat Riley's building. Oh yeah, dude. I mean, this thing was unbelievable. And we, so we've just gotten engaged and we all go down there and we're on the beach.

Yeah. And her dad and I go into like just like the shallows of the water, you know? So we're like, we're just looking around and all you're seeing is just thongs and topless women. I mean, it's incredible. It's incredible. It's incredible. It's incredible bodies walking around.

It's hard to walk. In dicks too. I've seen dicks. Yeah, in dicks too. Big dicks. Yeah. Brazilian dudes got big dicks. They do.

Freakin'. They do. And they, and they know how to use them. And I'm speaking from experience. Yeah. These guys know how to use their dicks. And her dad goes, Tommy, look around. And I was like, yeah.

He goes, Tommy, if you can't get laid here, you can't get laid anywhere. And I'm like, I'm marrying your daughter, man. Yeah. That sounds like a guy who lives in Miami. Yeah. I mean, that's funny. Yeah. He got laid.

For sure. For sure. Yeah. He slings a lot of dick. I mean, and even in Miami too, some of the trans women. Yeah. Even in 2013, I was like, some of the trans women are putting biological women to shame. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, yes. Sometimes they're built better than us because they're more muscular and they can lean out. And they got bigger dicks. Thank God. Yeah. Bigger dicks. I was like, that's what women are missing.

Freud was right. I was like, where is it? They see the pussy. I'm like, aren't you supposed to plug a dick in there? Nothing worse than a lady with a little dick. Yeah. I like him. It's like a horniness antenna.

Yes. You know, at least you know she's into it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Have you ever slept with a trans woman? I'm married to what? No. No, but I, you know, if it, for me, it's like, if it, if it, if you fool me, you got me.

Like if you, you know what I mean? Like I'm attracted to women. So if you look like a woman, I'm Greek. So maybe that's a little bit of it. Like I'm not gay, but I'm flexible. Yeah. I'd be pretty good at it if I went to jail. It's in there.

But yeah, you just fuck a trans girl and then you just use your imagination. Just pretend, pretend like your dick was so big you popped through the other side. Yeah. And just so when you, when you're, so you're just stroking, it's you. It's your dick. It's your dick. That's amazing. That's what the imagination is there for.

I have wondered if like, let's say I was with a, like, you go, this woman's gorgeous, right? And you get all the way to hooking up and you just have that euphoria come over you of like, oh, this is like, and all of a sudden like pants come down and you're like, wait, what the fuck? I'd be like, yeah, all right. Me too. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That's why you're successful. You're not going to turn back. Yeah. New challenge. New challenge. But like, for real, like, okay.

Now at 42, you might be able to pump the brakes, but like at 22. Oh, yeah. Do you have to pump the brakes on? Well, see, but at 22, you have, at 22, you have your more self-conscious and you're like, oh my God, what's, what's happening? I think at 42, you're like, I know I like chicks, but you got a nice set of balls on you, you know? Yeah.

And I've done it with chicks, so you're actually kind of looking, oh, this is new. This baby could. Try something else. Yeah. Cause you're kind of, you kind of. Oh wow. And also like at 42, you're like, look, I'm just kind of looking for new things that make me come.

Yeah. You know, so. Jesus, Tom. Like, I know all the regular things that make me, show me some new shit, you know? Yeah. Then you're into trans women. Then the next thing, you know, after that, you need one of them to hit you in the head right when you're about to come.

Be like, okay. Yeah. Now as soon as I come hit me. Like it's only a few months before you're like, I gargle pissed. Otherwise I can't get hard. It's a slit. It's really slouching towards Gamora. Yeah.

Yeah. Then the next thing you just watch in German porn and that's, it has everything you need. Yeah. I wonder if I would go. Okay. Cause how many great trans men are there? The Buck Angel. Will you Google Buck Angel?

Yeah. Buck. Buck definitely. He looks good. It's wild. I mean that, that looks like. Oh, you know what I actually have a crush on? Bono.

Bono. Chaz. Chaz. I think Chaz is a very handsome fella. I, I think. That's strange taste. Dude. That right there.

Yeah. That looks good. Yeah. He's slimmed down. Yeah. He's lost a lot of weight. He looks like an Austin barista. Yeah.

He does, dude. He does. I like Chaz. He really, I think. You want milk with that? Yeah. There you go. Oh, milk.

When people always say like, oh, that's gay. It's like, like, would you rather, like, let me ask you a question. Would you rather fuck a guy with a pussy or a girl with a dick? A guy with, oh, a girl with a dick. Yeah. Every time. Because it's the whole packaging, right? Yeah.

You're like, it's like a beyond burger. Yeah. Yeah. See, I might date trans men now. It's close to. Like, look at Buck. Have you seen Buck? I liked Buck Angel.

See? So that, that is a biological female. Yeah. That transitioned to a man. But I mean, couldn't look more masculine, right? Dude, I might date him. I mean, but what's the package? Because I do need a package.

It's a vagina. You want to see it? Show it. Can you show it? Oh, I don't see. That's the deal. It's really, it's. It's a vagina.

Yeah. Oh, it's a biological. Oh, see, I need a penis. I wouldn't want that then. What about a strap on there? Yeah. But now there's so it's like, no, but it's 2021. You don't think the best strap on probably feels real.

I bet you it does. You sound like you have some. I'm confused. Hold on. Hold on. I don't feel good. When I look at that, like I see Buck and I'm like, like my brain is shutting down right now.

Yeah, I know. It's so confused. Why? Because we don't like his twat. Like I'm so confused because I go the bottom half. I'm like, yeah, that's like me. That's like a sister, like a girl. I don't feel anything.

And then from the waist up, I feel. It's very confusing. Yeah. For us, because we're, we're of a generation before, but the kids now are like, that's so fucking lit. They look at that. It's so fucking lit, man. Dead ass.

That's fucking, I love. What's her fucking pronouns? I'll fucking, I get attracted when someone tells me they're fucking pronouncing. See, that would be wild for me to have sex with like that. So could you do that? I don't think so. No, I think the same thing. It's like, I would feel like I'm, you know, face to face with like a fucking, like a guy's

guy. Yeah. He's very masculine. Yeah. Yeah. That's wild. He can't just like hold a bald head. Yeah.

If I put a wig on him, maybe I could fuck him. Are we like, can we just, you know what would be weird? Yeah. If you put lipstick on him. If you blindfolded yourself. Yeah. And you start just eating her out. Yeah.

So you're like the first thing that you encounter is the vagina. So you're like, okay. Is it vagina? It's like a, it's like a David Dobrik prank. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Next thing you know, you're canceled.

Yeah. Yeah. That's how he got canceled. I did that to his friend. Yeah. I heard about, okay. I don't know what this is here. Let's, let's see what this is.

It's going to be on this screen right here. I already fucking paid for my stuff. Back the fuck up. I'm leaving the store. My stuff that I paid for. Fuck you and your camera. Fuck you and your camera. Fuck you and your camera.

Don't come over here recording me. Shut up, bitch. You don't tell me what to do. It don't matter what I am, bitch. Cause I'm not going to go for it. He may go for it. Bitch, you hit me. I'm going to whoop your motherfucking ass.

And I'm going to wait for your new girl. Shut up, bitch. You don't tell me what to do. It don't matter what I am, bitch. Cause I'm not going to go for it. He may go for it. Bitch, you hit me. I'm going to whoop your motherfucking ass.

And I'm going to wait for your new girl, bitch. You hit me. I'm going to whoop your motherfucking ass. I'm not going to do what he going to do. I'm going to drag you. You big old fat, short, strawberry looking ass, bitch. Lala my motherfucking ass. That's why you stealing.

You can't pay for what you want. You motherfucking ugly bitch. And you got a dead big, far motherfucking boyfriend. Just stinking, tulifish, smelly motherfucker. I'm not what you want, bitch. I'm not what you want, bitch. It may be what it's going to be, bitch. But you're not going to hit me like you hit him.

Cause I'm going to drag your motherfucking ass. Your punk, puss ass, stinking, Peersberry, don't brush shaped ass, bitch. You stinking motherfucker. Fuck you and your whole family. Fuck you and your whole mother. I don't want to be you. Bitch, look at you.

Bitch, you built up like a clothes hanger. Who want to be you? Barely stick it all over. Bitch, you don't even want to be you. You nap ahead, bitch. Now, that's how it goes. That's why I shop at Whole Foods. Just avoid that.

God damn, that was so good. I like you guys. Bitch, you don't even want to be you. Yeah. That's really a good line. That's somebody who's talked a lot of shit for a lot of years. You know? That's a veteran.

I ain't said nothing to you, wasn't recording you, but now I'm recording you. I'm not him. I'm not him. Motherfucking bitch. You stinking, flat booty bitch. And you damn right, I'm a motherfucking man. And look better than you.

Smell better than you. Act better than you. Fuck better than you. So big better than you. And we'll whoop your motherfucking ass. You're stealing. I'm not. You got a whole pussy.

Happy trans awareness. Yeah. See, I dig this chick. She can talk. She's great. I mean, she's right. She is better looking. Yeah, yeah.

Well. Then that fucking snanky pills, bare clothes hanging, looking tuna fish smelling bitch. Oh, damn. You're good. That was kind of mesmerizing. Yeah, it was wasn't it?

She didn't stutter. She was like right in there. Nailed it. Right in there. See, I fear that this generation will lose that shit talking ability because they're like, you can't believe each other.

Oh, yeah. This is coming up the hard way where you're like, fuck you fucking mom on this and that. And this is the kind of shit that I, I mean, I don't know where exactly this happened, but this is what I've always loved about my trip. I think this was Beverly Hills.

Yeah, Beverly Hills are part slow Brooklyn. Trips to New York. Yeah. Because in New York, public confrontation, if you just spend enough days there, you're going to hear someone bark at somebody. And if there's a safe distance,

I'm fucking there for it. Yeah. I really enjoy it. New York is a, it's almost like a brutally honest. That is true. That kind of cliche that trope is true about York. Yes.

It's a brutally honest place where people let you know how they feel. If you do any, if you inconvenience them in the slightest way, there's a chance that you're going to be in a fight. Yeah. Like if you're in, like if you're a car that's in front,

it could end up in a, you could end up in a full fist fight that day. Sure. Yeah. I mean, I've heard it on the streets. I've heard it on the subway. I love it. It's not just inconvenience to someone else.

I've heard people, don't do that to her. Yeah. You're like, fuck. For someone else. Don't do that to her. Yeah.

And you're like, oh shit. You don't hear that in fucking Des Moines. No. No. You know what I love to, hearing public conversations in Los Angeles, you don't get to hear people just having crazy conversations. Yeah.

You have to be like parked somewhere and luck out. Yeah. But there's the subway. There's just the street. One time I was walking to Gotham Comedy Club and the girl was on her phone, just dropping the n-bomb over and over and over. My n-word.

My n-word. My n-word. My n-word. And I was like, this is why. Help me, dude. She's just dropping n-bombs. Yeah. You don't hear that anywhere else.

In Los Angeles, it's like. No. You get cuffed for that here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a different vibe. And New York is,

And in New York, you hear Puerto Rican say it all the time. Oh yeah. You guys say it too? Yeah. They say it. Yeah. They got the pass. Yeah.

They can say it. Yeah. Yeah. It's a wild place. But you know, now that I've kind of moved out, I realized that, because I'm from Brooklyn, I'm from New York originally. Yeah.

I realized that New Yorkers have like a little bit of, New York holds you captive. And like, you think you love it until you leave, and then you're like, Wow, it doesn't have to smell like piss. Yeah. I don't have to be scared for my life at all times. Yeah.

You know. Yeah. Your shoulders tense up. Like, I realized when I fly back into New York, I just feel my shoulders. Where do you, when you say you moved out? I live in Northern Westchester now. How far is that?

It's about an hour out, but it's like farms country. Farms out, man. That's out. Oh, that's cool. I'm out. Do you love it? Love it.

I just fucking bomb it. China. I don't care. The one thing, I mean, I never, you know, there was that moment right after I graduated college where I had to pick. I knew I was going to move to one of the two,

and my sister was living in New York, and she lived in the city, and then eventually she lived, what is that, in Brooklyn, right over the bridge. Brooklyn Heights? No, the,

Williamsburg. Yeah. And anyways, I would go and visit her all the time, and I was like, it's just like, I loved it, but I was like,

it's so chaotic, and the, it was so expensive. Like, LA was expensive for me to move to, but it was like, New York, I mean,

just hearing about, like, well, it's 4,000, and I share it with somebody, and we have one bathroom, and there's six of us, I was like, fuck this.

It's tough living, man. It's tough living, man. That's part of the Stockholm city. We're like, it's great. Yeah, here's my house, here's my kitchen, it's in my living room,

and then you leave, and yeah, it's, yeah, cause I, my apartment I still have, which is where my studio is now for long days, and where the History Hyena studio was,

and it's like, my kitchen is the living room. Like, there's no kitchen, it's a wall in the living room, and now that I have like a house, I'm going like, how did me and my wife and dog even live in this closet?

Crazy. But at the time, I didn't even think that it was like, too small. Yeah. So it's like, it really is Plato's allegory of the cave.

Your own, your reality is what you know. I remember too, like, the hotel prices, and how, when you stay in hotels, like,

maybe it's shifted some, but, like when you go, like the threshold of expensive, like really expensive, would be, for me like, would be $300 a night.

And I stayed in a place that was $300 a night, and I was like, is this a crack house? Like, it was the nastiest, shittiest thing. I was like,

this is $300 a night. It's disrespectful almost. It is. It's disrespectful, yeah. But I will say, like, if I have any regret in life, it's that we didn't do New York.

Really? That's 20, in our 20s. I, actually, the bigger regret is that I, if I had gotten better grades in high school, I could have gotten into NYU.

Yeah. Because I wanted to go to NYU. Yeah. And I never got to live in New York City as a young, starving, crazy person. I could have never gotten into NYU.

No, no, I couldn't get into Clemson. So I don't think I could in NYU. Yeah. But I do wish I had, I don't know, I could see myself becoming that lifelong New Yorker.

Oh, what's your name? Fran Liebowitz. Yeah. Yeah. With the, you know, she's like,

I never leave. That would totally be me. Like, I don't drive. What should I drive for? My sister, when she was there, she was there in that time,

you're saying, like in her 20s, yeah, she went to BU and, you know, had a great time in New York. But I remember when she left, she was like,

I have thousands of dollars in debt. Yes. Just from, like, living and, like, and everything on credit card. Like three,

three to five tickets a week at, like, 125 a park. Where do you even park? You just get tickets. You just, it's part of your budget, it's just tickets.

She dated a guy who, who, who was like, had a really good job. And he told me that he had, um, separate from where he lived,

because this is how well he was doing, a, a garage for his car, like a parking space indoors. And he was like, and I pay,

it was something like eight or 900 a month for that. And I was like, I was like, are you a billionaire? Like, how does somebody do this?

Yeah. In Bay Ridge, um, there's a lot of, Bay Ridge was like a little more suburban than a lot of the other row houses in Brooklyn. So people rent out their, their parking spots

and, and they charge like $1,200 a month. Oh my God. Just to park their cars. Yeah. $1,200. But it's still,

if you, I mean, this is also like cliche, but if you don't live there every year, when we're not in a pandemic, it's like, the thing I look forward to the most.

The best city in the world. The fucking best. It's the most awesome thing to go to. It really is. There's nothing like it. That people put up with all that stuff, I think is an indication of how great it is.

Yes. Because no, if it wasn't that great, nobody would deal with four parking tickets, circling for hours for a spot, you know, getting slashed in the face

at two in the morning. You just deal with it because you go, you know what, the food is great. Yeah. And I got a great slice of pizza the other night.

Yeah. It's what scars not that. It's that you feel like you, this is where shit's happening. So that's why it's easy to get addicted to. Yeah.

And it's a great for a for comedy. It's great because it beats you. It really beats you up. Yeah. How rough was that? It beats you up, man.

And I started in black rooms too, which in New York, I mean, those were, that gets you over the fear, you know, because they,

I mean, if you, they give you like 10 seconds to show that you're a performer, which you guys are better at here than we are in New York. New York guys, like,

I'm too cool. To do comedy. But, which you have to do in a black room. If you lean against the wall, you can't lean against a wall in a black room.

No. You'll hear a fucking black woman suck her teeth. You'll hear it. Yeah. Yeah. You'll hear. Yeah.

You'll hear like a next door. Yeah. Let me tell you, when I started headlining at the funny bones and improvs, they would put me in all the urban rooms

because I could do them. Does it mean I was wanting to do them? But I fucking did them because I wanted to make a living. Yeah. But that means you,

if you can do good in a black room, it means you're funny. A funny person. You got to try. But like you're saying, and I remember the Cleveland improv, arguably one of the hardest.

I just had it shivered that much. Yeah. Yeah. And I remember the first time I did it, you just see like a sea of Bluetooth light ups,

you know? Yeah. Like one of the guys always sat with their fucking Bluetooth. Dude. And then a hooker and the John got thrown out of

my first show. And I remember being like, the Cleveland improv has, which was a completely, it was a papered room, and it was 90% black. Yes it was. I remember one show,

three things, vividly. One is that there was like a 350 pound guy in the second row who at one point, like in your set, you know, you have like

peaks and valleys. I know what you're gonna fucking say. At one point he goes, damn, this dude's put me to sleep. All right. And then one lady in the back

of the room said something. And I said something back and she goes, your mama should have swallowed that nut. That was another one. And then Did the room laugh?

Yeah, but then I said, your father should have stuck around to raise you. And it got bigger. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. So that was pretty wild.

And I was like, I'm a fucking professional. You can shut the fuck up. So that's fucking, that was, that's like a defining moment. Oh yeah. That could,

you could have had a, that's like when, you know what's his name got hurt and Tom Brady had a big career. Yeah. What's, who's his name? Drew Bledsoe.

Drew Bledsoe. Yeah. Cause if you, if you got scared and retreated, maybe you're not Tom Segura. That sounds like a moment where you said, no black lady, no black crowd.

I'm coming right back at you. Right back at you. And Nick Clanning was like, Oh shit. No, it was, it was, I mean, it came back to,

they start break dancing. White boy got fucking hit son. That room was rough. Yeah. And then the third thing about that was that a guy got arrested. Okay.

And the story of why he got arrested is so insane. So on the menu, it said one pound of chicken wings. Okay. This guy ordered it, ate it,

and then was like, that wasn't one pound. And they were like, what? He was like, that's not a pound. I'm not paying for it. And they're like,

you fucking ate it, man. And Cleveland Improv at the time had so much chaos. Because it was also in the same parking lot as a massive strip club, which brought in its own crazy crowd,

that they always had a police officer. Yes. Just in the fucking bar lobby area, just hanging out. The only club in the chain that did, by the way,

that was the only club in the neighborhood. Yeah, you never, you're like, why the copy? And they're like, oh, he's always here. Yeah. Like we need them regularly.

Yeah. So anyways, they bring that guy into that lobby area. And they're like, you can't not pay for that. He's like, no, it's false advertising.

It says a pound, that one, the pound. And they're like, look, man, it's a pound frozen. And then we cook it. It's a pound. He's like, no, it's false

advertising. I'm not paying for it. And so they bring the cop over and they're like, will you tell him? And then he's like, you got to pay for it. And he's like, no,

it's not right. And he goes, if you don't pay for it, you're going to go to jail. And then he just goes. And he got arrested voluntarily for a fucking

$13 wing award. Yeah. Yeah. My God, that's funny. That's the Cleveland improv, man. Yeah. Shout out to Lee. Shout out.

I don't think it's still there. Didn't it close? I mean, during this time, I don't know who knows. Well, I remember at one point, I called my manager and I was like,

I can't do the Cleveland improv anymore. Yeah. And they're like, why? And I'm like, I think you know why. It was really rough.

I mean, it was a fight. Every show is a fight. Every show is a fight. Hartford Funnybone is like that too. In Manchester. Yeah. He punched a cop.

Went to jail. Yeah. And they have cops. Cops would come to the show and hang out outside. Yeah. It was a fight like on the line to get in.

I wonder what that dude, did he plan that? Or do you think he ate the chicken wings? Like, I'm not paying for this shit. I don't know, man. He knew he was going to do that

shit. So one time, I remember also at that club, one time, you know, nothing like for people that don't do comedy, they don't know that like,

you think that heckling sucks, but what's actually worse, I mean, they won't stop talking to each other. Right? Like,

I'd rather you say you suck than have a conversation at your table. So this show where it was just like, what the fuck, man? Like, they just would not.

So I get off stage and I go up to the, to like one of the show security. I'm like, what are you fucking doing? He was like, I just,

I mean, I don't know, man. Like, I just didn't want to get involved. I was like, that's your job. Like, it was just like that.

Oh, considering what we do, like we talk to a live audience, the military should be there to protect us. Yeah. But there's like, nobody,

there's some failed comic with like glasses, there's the managers like sneezing and like, that's the security. You're going like, dude, you know that this could go really

bad. Yeah. Yeah. This could go really bad. I actually, I got punched once and I punched someone. At a show?

At a show. Yeah. How did that happen? It was, it was a show where Allie, when she came to New York, would do it. That's where I met Allie

and she would do it like every week. And this one show, it was like a bar show. It was great. One show, there was this like, this guy and girl and they

were just talking through the show. And I was hosting and I just started going at them. Then she starts coming to the stage after they were like leaving, right? And she walks out and I was

like, don't do it. I could see it in her face. She was drunk. She comes on stage and I had said something to her like, I thought she was British. I said some joke about her being British.

So she comes to the stage, right there. And she goes, I'm not, I'm not English. I'm Irish. And I'm able to show you how Irish I am. And then I swear to God,

this is no exaggeration for fact. She did like a sugar rate two step. Yeah. So I did look down and that's why she did it. And then she punched me.

She just bang, like hook. When I, when I look back, she had like, she was like, it was like a trained MMA bang. And then I hit her back.

Yeah. Yeah, you should. Yeah. I hit her back. But the problem was I was holding the microphone. I hit more of like a swipe. Yeah.

But the microphone, it reverberated. So it sounded like I hit her with a bazooka because it was like bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. And then her boyfriend came and me and her boyfriend started fighting.

And the audience shook it up. Holy shit. Yeah. Fuck. Did anyone go to jail? No, but I got in. This guy kept emailing me for like a year about it.

Like, I guess he was with them and he's from England. He's like, I want to talk to you about the events on said date. And then it just stopped for a while.

Yeah. I think he was wanting baiting me in just to like respond and then maybe sue me for nothing. I don't know. I was hosting a bar show. Yeah.

She's clearly in the wrong. She was in the wrong. So yeah. But people would, people always made fun of me because they were like, you hit her girl. I was like, I smacked.

I was just holding the, it was a reaction. I got punched and I just kind of like, No, you have a right to, who gives a fucking a woman. She hit you first.

Yeah. I mean, she's paralyzed now, but I'm not wrong, right? No. If she wasn't permanently damaged. Yeah. She's can't move. Yeah.

Because I hit her and then I just got on top of her and ground and ground and pound. Yeah. Yeah. I had someone vomit in my show Ramon Cinco. Cinco de Mayo is probably the

worst day to do comedy ever. And it was in the, what's the one that's it's Cincinnati, but it's not Cincinnati. Newport. Yep. Kentucky.

And the manager probably isn't the manager anymore. Hopefully it was next door getting drunk. Not a chance that he's the manager. And yeah, everyone was ripped, ripped roaring and a woman just

right in the middle of my set. Yeah. Vomited everywhere. I did one in Northern California. We're talking, not a club. This was like, there's a poll in the room and they're like, well, when you're done,

we convert this to a dance club. Like it's one of those rooms. Sweet. You know, and there's like 40, 50 people at the show and front row, front row. At one point I looked down and

I was like, is that person laying in their own vomit? And somebody who was with him was like, yep. And I was like, do you want to see if he's all right? Because he's laying in it. He might be choking or something.

Nobody cares. And there was, it wasn't, it wasn't like a professional. So everybody was like, nobody cares, man. Nobody cares. Standups the only thing that you could end up doing in a

theater and start doing in like a car wash or laundry mat. I've done shows in the laundry mat. I did a show at someone's backyard. Living room. Yeah.

Within the last two years of the backyard show. You get asked now when they're like, hey, we come to a private show. And I'm like, what? Yeah. And they're like, my friends

are having a party. We want you to come to stand up. I always give the most insane quotes. Are you serious? I'm like, definitely. To come to your fucking

house. Out of your mind? I used to get those for the character because girls loved her so much that they would say, hey, I'm not going to do that. Girls loved her so much that

they would ask me. They would be like, it's my girl's birthday. Would you come over and give you like 50 bucks? 50 bucks. No, I'm not going to come hang out with you for 50 bucks

as a character. Yeah. Yeah. I guess you could do cameos now. You can make a killing. Oh, I've been doing cameos. Yeah.

Cool. Oh, as a character, you have to. As a character. Yeah, you have to. I do do them. I do do them. Sometimes I put the wig on.

Sometimes I don't. I love it. Yeah. I mean, you know, if my I'm I'm I'm taking that. I'm going to take dusting off that wig and pulling it back out.

Oh, yeah. I'll be 55 in Long Island just smoking a cigarette. I'll be like, all right, I'll give you four dots. It's before I want half my money up front. Just somebody cracked my

back. I go out there, put the dress on. I'm like, that's fair. How you doing? Take me to watch. All right. Give me my $400.

What? How long you've been doing long days? Long days is a couple months. Oh, so it's new. It is new. Yeah. So rate, review and

subscribe. So long days. Yeah. Me and Chris DeStefan had a podcast history is that we concluded. Yes. And we're still good friends

and all that people. There's like a lot of rumors on the internet. But, you know, we saw each other the other day. We hung out. Good. So things are good.

Good. Good. I love Chris. But we just concluded he's doing other things. I'm doing other things. So, you know, go watch his podcast too.

Yeah. Him and his fucking new partner. It looks like he's like on his last leg here. Fucking. Full fucking disguise. Yeah.

Looks like Saddam Hussein. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It really does. It looks straighter though. Let me see. Definitely looks straighter.

Can you pull that up? I said they should call that podcast party in the closet. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good idea. Yeah. Because Chris, he's always

saying how he's. It's got a little bit gay. No, that's that's old school. That's not that's not sell now. Yeah. There we go. Oh my God. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like the FBI is looking for the other guy that we just saw. And then he's like, I'm going to go with this look. They got so many pillows in that shot.

Yeah. Two homos. I got a message from a fan that they kissed on. I think one episode they finally kissed. They're so gay. There you go.

Just party in the closet. Yeah. I mean, Sal, I always knew, but like, you know. Yeah. It's obvious. Sal, it's like just come out. Yeah, dude.

I love it now. Oh, they're really kissing. Yeah. Yeah. I got a message about that. Yeah. We'll see each other more because of podcasting.

Yeah. It's kind of nice because we never get to- We're soon going to be Tejas comics. I know, dude. You know what it is? It's like, it's funny because you guys lapped us in career.

Like, we're all, you know, New York's sitting back on like, yeah, was that joke got good structure? Like, fuck that guy, you know? And the L.A. is going like, yeah, good luck with that. Well, you get paid less than a waiter while I'm on my jet.

And now we come over. You know what it is? You know what it is? You're like fucking lapped us. People are delusional in New York. It's hilarious. They're jazz musicians or something. It's like, yeah, fuck it.

Yeah. But what's this fucking ten minutes like? You're like, what are you talking about? Who cares? I remember being so, I mean, I can't tell you how intimidated I was the

first time I had a series of spots in New York. Right. I mean, I think I was eight years in and I felt like comfortable on stage, but I remember my management set up. Oh, you have like four spots tonight. And I remember getting there.

And I mean real anxiety because it's like you're in New York now. And I went and I, my first spot was at the, what's the, what's the one, the comic strip? Comic strip East on the East side. Yeah. And I was like, like, I mean like this

and the guy's like, what's your name? And like, where are you from? And I was like, LA, he's like, oh, we've got an LA guy here, huh? And I was like, oh, no, don't say anything to anyone. But here's the best part. This guy who I don't know his name

or anything was terrible. And so I watched him do like the hackiest shit and I was like, it called me down because I was like, every comic that I admired and looked up to was a New York comic. Yeah. It was like Patrice and Greg and a

tell. And you know what I mean? So I was like, this is where all these guys, this is where they do stand up. Like, so I'm like forgetting that that's the creme to look like those are the best guys amongst a pool of enormous comp.

So the best thing for me was seeing like shitty guys on the first show. And I was like, oh, thank God, because I, dude, I almost had a panic attack. And then I went to, at the time, it was in the meatpacking district and ended up closing comics.

Oh, comics with X. Yeah. Yeah. I did a spot there. I did Gotham. Comedy club bar and restaurant. Yeah. But I ended up seeing, basically, I

had the full New York experience because I had these terrible hacks on some shows and then like brilliant guys on the shows. That's the thing. Like New York always goes like, oh, we're better comics or whatever. It's like, no, dude, there's a crop of

great comics in LA and is a great comics in New York. And then there's a lot of shitty comics. And both. And like, the bigger your city, honestly, the more of both you're going to have.

More of both you're going to have. Yeah. But it's funny when we come out like now, like, you know, when you have a friend who's like richer than you and like, you invite your richer friend over to your house and he's just like, oh, let's just go to my

place. That's like how we feel we come to LA. Like, hey, man, you want to go hang out my hotel? I'm like, nah, just come. Yeah. Come over to my place in there.

You know, you're having a party. No, no, no. At the guard gate. Yeah. We just we we feel like the poor friend that's coming to come and hang out. Yeah.

But you know what, though, talent is always the cream always rises. And I think like you guys, more of you are doing podcasts and we're all in the same world. It's all going to elevate everything. It's great.

You guys are so talented. It's great. Everybody's so funny. But now I think it's like beef. It's not just stand up now. You have to work a lot harder and you just have to be funny in all the things.

Everything. Podcast stand up Twitter. Yeah. And like I refuse to try to be funny on Twitter. Yeah. You don't have to. Yeah.

You know what's interesting? What you said at the very beginning of this was how your character took off on YouTube and you felt like that wasn't valid because it wasn't on, you know, Comedy Central or HBO or whatever. And now it's completely reversed.

Totally reversed. Had you had that YouTube success now, you'll be like, fuck you. I'm selling out fucking, you know, Gotham or what? I don't know. But like, isn't that wild?

It is wild. Completely changed. Because I was a little early and like the Internet wasn't really monetized. I mean, Google AdSense had just even started. So it was like the only way we

made money was doing live shows and I kind of figured that out by accident. Selling out in 2010. Selling out in 2010. Yeah. Jesus Christ. I sold out.

I remember. And so the Times Square Art Center was there back then. I don't know if you remember that. It used to be the laugh factory and had like all these rooms. Yeah, I remember the laugh factory for a minute there.

Yeah. And I was just like, it made my instincts. Right. I'm going like, I was like, let's try a show here because the fandom was so the fervor you could feel it online.

Like the Facebook page, fan page was just growing. So we did brown paper tickets and it sold out in minutes. So it was like sold out and then and then we add a show. It's sold out. And so I got a hundred percent

of the door. And then we moved the show to Caroline's. It's still a door deal. And so I was like earlier in comedy, but I understood I had the fans were coming so I wanted the door.

Yeah. Yeah. I kind of understood that. But other than that, it was like without the live shows, I didn't know how to make money off of it. So the only way we made money with that back then was the live

shows because there was no Patreon. There was no. Yeah. Advertisers. It's wild how that is. Patreon and yeah. I mean, this show gets a lot more

viewers than and most people still don't know this and a lot of comics still like, you know, it's like they say some of the Native Americans couldn't see the conquistador ships because they just had no, they couldn't believe it.

But it's like this show here gets more views than shows with multiple million dollar budgets that like it's just it's so. It's wild. Different. Yeah. It is wild.

Yeah. And now those shows with multiple million dollar budgets, their whole goal is to go and have a viral clip. Yeah. On the Internet. That's all they want.

Even the late shows. Yeah. Those were where we grew up and everything was Letterman, right? Cart, Leno, all that. Yeah. Now it's different guys. You know, it's Jimmy Kimmel and

I can't even think of their name. Stephen Colbert and everything. Funny. But they make those like the show airs, but it's all about do we have a clip from the show that will blow up online? Yeah.

Even SNL. I mean, people still watch that show, but the idea being that that thing blows up on the Internet. And it often does, right? Like and then what happens is most people who watch that brilliant SNL sketch or something

see it afterwards. Yeah. You see it on the clip. I'll see it on Instagram. I'll be like, oh, that was funny. Yeah. That was a good thing. I'm not going to watch the show,

but is this New York City? Because you don't fucking know. Because you haven't read a fucking book, Scott. Have you? Then what's the difference, bitch? When I asked you what the difference was, what's the difference? Did you spend your whole life reading?

What is the difference, Scott? There's a lot of differences. Never talk politics with friends. So you could get in my face while I was my fucking friends and then you asked me this shit. He knows he has to leave.

How dare you. I have to leave as well. What I like about him is he's self-aware. You know? Seems like he's very self-aware. I have to leave as well. Me? Me.

Me. You haven't even read a fucking book, Scott. He hasn't read a book. That was the best. This was on TikTok. It's such a great moment. And the best that that guy knows is to just keep looking down at his phone.

This has to be New York, right? I don't know, man. New York, you're talking about. Fucking book, Scott. Yeah. New York is we... That's one of my favorite bits of all time was Louis C.K.'s bit about when he and his family

visited him in New York. And they're from like the Midwest or something. It's the funny... They get on the train and they see like a homeless man naked like bleeding. And they go, quick, we have to help this guy.

And Louis is like, no, no, no. We don't do that. We don't do that here. You just keep walking. You understand. You just leave it. I remember like... They're like, what do you mean?

He's in need. He's in need. Sometimes my mother got so mad at me was when we were driving. I was driving the car. She was in the passenger seat and we're coming up on somebody pulled over to the side of the road.

And as we're like pulling up and that no one's going to do anything anyway. But I go, don't look at them they'll ask us for help. And she goes, who are you? Who are you to say this is so sad? I go, mom, they're going to flag us down. I don't want to get flagged down.

And she was like, this is not the person that I raised. I was like, yeah, no, it is. It is. Yeah. Because you'd be like, mom, trust me, if you spent like a month here, you know, she'd be saying that don't make eye contact.

Don't make eye contact. For sure don't make eye contact. Wait, my favorite New York bit ever. It was Greg Geraldo. He goes... Oh my God. I know what you're going to... Yo, Monica, you got AIDS, yo.

Yeah. Like that's how they tell you? Yeah. So Puerto Rican kid yells it across the train? Yo, Monica. Yo, you got AIDS, yo. Yeah. I mean, Puerto Ricans treat a fire escape like a terrorist.

They're out there. Yeah. Little pillow on there. What was the other one was the code, right? You got the code. You got to write it down, man. Are you ready? Yeah.

Okay. It's why is in yellow. Got you so far. Do you remember that bitty head about the letter writing from the soldiers? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Don't fuck nobody while I'm gone. Yeah.

It used to be like, dearest Heather, the winds of war have made me miss your visage. And it's hot as fuck over here in Iraq. No. In the desert. In the desert. In the desert. Oh yeah. Don't fuck nobody.

God, he was so funny. I have to leave as well. Scott. Scott. And you're reading your fucking books, Scott. I guess Scott, is it, is it? So I've been trying to piece together the fight. Yeah.

And Greg, you're all those words. What could have possibly preceded? Yeah. Is it, is it, is it? Scott's the know it all. Scott's here in the black getting right? Right. He said something.

I mean, it has to prompt somebody being like, you've never even read a fucking book. But I think he's making claims. Oh, so Scott's making, I thought it was that Scott read so many books. No. Was that in one of your books, Scott? No. I don't. Because you don't fucking know.

Because you haven't read a fucking book, Scott. But you haven't read a fucking book. You haven't read a fucking book, Scott. Ignorant. Yeah. So he's telling, he's trying to tell him something. Like, dude, you can't get COVID from sucking dead. I think that there's a good chance that could have been it.

It could have been. I mean, this is definitely a gay outing. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. He's like. What's the difference, bitch? When I asked you what the difference was, what's the difference? Did you spend your whole life reading?

What is the difference? You spent your whole life reading. Yeah, he's like, what's the difference then if you've spent your whole life reading? Yeah. I mean, could you imagine being next to Scott right next to him? I like that they're dragging a table away the whole time. The whole time, they're like, take the table away. Don't let them.

That's how they get rid of them. Well, I'm guessing maybe, did they knock over a beverage? I don't know. They were getting. But they're like, we're breaking this fucking table. They made a claim about something. Obviously. I don't know what he made.

And he's like, you spent your whole life reading. Then read the fucking book, Scott. He may have, it would have been one of those situations where he said something not so negative about Trump. Yeah. In New York. That could cause that reaction. Yeah, that's right.

You could say like, hey, maybe that he's pulling troops out. Right. Less business regulations. Yeah. He's like, you fucking cunt, Scott. Yeah. You don't get, yeah. You don't even read books.

You're fucking ignorant. You don't know shit. Let me ask you, as your representative of New York, what will happen to the Trumps socially? Are they just 86 from New York society? I think they might be 86 from New York society. Yeah. I don't see it coming back. There's no, I mean, where are they going to go?

I think they go on Florida. Florida or Austin. No, not my city. Yeah. So Trump's like, I heard Rogan's open up at a club. It's going to be great. So Gore's going to be there. Right.

Trump, Trump bought, obviously moved into Mar-a-Lago. Trump Jr. just bought a house in West Palm. Oh, so they're going to. In Palm Beach. Oh, maybe you can come to my show, May 6th. West Palm Beach. Yeah. Your prom.

No, it's totally, they're all going to be down. Because Florida way more open to the Trumps. New York City. Yeah. No. It's over for the Trumps. And, you know, it's funny because he was beloved before the presidency. Yeah.

He was like, you saw Trump. Yeah. It was very New York. It was like Woody Allen. Trump. Yeah. You know. Spike Lee.

Like a rapper or something. Yeah. He was like, there was like a fixture in New York. But I think even like, you know, he's, it's different once you're next president. But I think the family, it's like the kids can't go in New York. No. Ivanka can't walk around New York. The daughter's gone.

No way. No. They were boycotting like her clothes and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. The tall one. The kid. Baron.

He's the only one. Yeah. Especially, you know, Baron, Baron might be able to be like, and by the way, I think my dad's a dick. People are like, all right. He's all right. Yeah. Yeah.

He was young. He had nothing to do with it. Nothing to do with it. He was too young that I think people feel bad about picking on him. True. Yeah. Yeah. Thank God.

We're going to show you a couple of clips here. This is horrible or hilarious. So you tell us whether this is actually terrible or funny. Well, you're asking a comic. I'm going to say hilarious if it's bad. Sometimes, sometimes people actually go like, I don't know why you would show me that. Fuck this guy already. Yeah.

I think we have our vote on that one. Yes. It's hilarious. Yeah. That one was good. And that's the UK. I would call it poetic justice, actually. Yeah.

More than hilarious. Like, thank God he got hit. Yeah. Oh, I didn't hear that scream. That's a scream. I missed the scream. Let's try it again. Hold on.

I missed it on the front. What a fucking douchebag. Yeah, what are you doing? What are you riding that fucking thing for, you asshole? Exactly. How do you even get on it? Yeah. And hop on it.

This one is, dare I say, even funnier. Ready? Four, three, two, one. She's going through it. That was good. Yeah. You know, sometimes it helps to have an engineer. Yeah.

To let you know. All right. You're about 285. No. This mattress might fucking fall apart when you jump onto it. From the fucking balcony. Yeah. Right.

Four, three, two, one. Go. Down. For sure, we're looking at a hippo place. Now, what was the point of that? What were they doing? Just trying to see how fat she was. Her friends were like, okay, but wait, you think she's that?

You think she's fat enough that if I put her up on that thing and we built the thing and we put the interference like, nah, we got to find out. We got to find out. I think she'll bounce off. I don't think so. I think so. Yeah. After that video, somebody handed somebody else a 20.

You were right. The worst part of this video is that it cut off when it did. That's the only shitty thing about this video. Yeah. We didn't get to hear the, ah, that sound. Yeah. Oh my God. Remember that old video of the woman who's stomping the grapes?

Yes. That. Yeah. Yeah. That's the hurt sound. That's the best. That's the one that never stopped giving. Yeah.

All right. Were you ready to watch? Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Yeah. I don't know if you know this, but every day, Christina curates somebody. She curates some of the best. Thank you, Tom. When I say best, I mean worst.

Thank you. TikToks on TikTok. Okay. We bank them and we watch them. Tom, I like to showcase the marginalized talent on TikTok is how I like to frame them. And you couldn't do this. Yeah. You couldn't do this for me.

Here we go. Now these are, it's always a wild ride. Yeah. You just don't know. Sometimes it gets real sad. Sometimes it's fun. Well, I'll tell you, my algorithm has been going sad alone weird guy lately. So, you know.

Let's see what you got for us today. I'm trying to get out of it, but. I haven't seen any of these. Men of vortex right now. Well, hi Trevor. I love you. I'm so glad you think I'm so hot. You're right, I am.

I'm glad you appreciated, darling. Have a good day. You know who she looks like? You ever see the movie 300? Oh, yeah, yeah. You know the hunchback that. Look at the face. Does it?

I mean that. You remember the one that. Yeah. The Benedict Arnold that lies to Leonidas. Yeah. Yeah. There it is. So, her whole thing is giving horny messages to people and she likes to talk like this.

And they're all horny shout outs. Yeah, fantastic. Which I thought was pretty neat. I've never seen that lane. Oh, yeah. Oh, my tic-tac friends. I need your help. Somebody stole my dog and a dog pound.

You hear that? Like a little buddy took my dog. That's it. It's a good use of tic-tac for shorties. This is my favorite lane of tic-tac where people don't understand that this isn't a service for personal messages to a snake. That this reaches the world. But.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That reaches the world.

But. Yeah. Message to Boomers, put your teeth in before you talk. Oh. Listen. No. That message can't get out there enough. Yeah.

On tic-tac. Put your teeth in first. Yeah. The personal messages are the best. Yeah. So much fun. So I'm 57. I'm single.

Real nice guy. But then again, who wants a nice 57-year-old guy? If you're interested, let me know. Real cool. Yeah. That's good. I think he answered his own question. Yeah.

Yeah. That by the way, that fucking thing of like, we see this all the time of like, I'm nice. If you want to date me, hit me. What the, this is not, it's another app, dude. Yeah. Go to the other app. Yeah. He's on the wrong thing.

This guy, what are the chances you guys think on a scale of 1 to 10 that he sniff seats after you get up? Because I saw him and I was going, that's a sneat-siffer. Oh. Oh, definite. So like, not a big selling point. No. Like, he's a downer, like, you don't want me, do you?

Yeah. No, that's not, come on, droopy dog. It's not exciting. He's so mopey. Now, this is earnest, right? These aren't jokes. Oh, yeah. No, no.

Yeah, no. We're a failed state. Our empire's over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hats off to the Chinese. Yeah. I mean, I want to move there and just surrender. Yeah.

I mean, it's over. I hope they fucking storm Malibu. Yeah. And take over the TikTok house. Good morning. Rosie O'Donnell. I have a message from a ghost, a man, his name is Cory. He says he loves tractors and he loves Toby Keith-like stuff.

I don't know what that means, but it might mean something to you if you knew him. And he likes to sing the song, she thinks my tractor's sexy. So if he sounds like someone you know, please message me or comment and let me know. I hope it connects with you. Babe, you're not amazed that she can talk to the dead? This is a gifted person. I just can't believe this didn't go viral. That's content right there.

That's really cool. Yeah. I'm amazed. Yeah. I mean, and she talks to Michael Jackson. She also channels Marilyn Monroe. She's got one tooth on the top here. Do you see that?

That's all you need really. It's all you need to chew. Yeah. Yeah. Just one on top. That's it. You're good. Yeah.

Okay. I'm ready to tell you guys about how to sell your panties. But a couple things. First of all, TikTok doesn't like this, so it's very well could be taken down. Yeah. Secondly, I have a pretty professional job. So I'm going to tell you guys all my secrets until something goes awry that my whole account may go away.

Good decision. Good choice. But for those of you who think this is not real, it is. I started this accidentally because I was dating a guy who was into that. And I sell my panties anywhere from $60 to $600 depending on the flavor. So stay tuned. I'm going to post what I know, and I hope I can help some of you ladies out. By the way, I have been advocating people to do this for years.

Years. Like when people say they're struggling if you're a young lady or whatever, any lady. Sell your panties. Start a fucking business. This is the problem with Gary Vee videos though. She knows right before that she watched it, she got all intense. She's like, I got to start a business. When she said $600, I was going like, that's the Japanese businessman price.

Oh yeah. They sell them in vending machines over there. Yes, I've heard. And a $600, I'm assuming you farted in a lot. Well, what can merit a $600 panty? You just told you. Farts? Farts, panties.

Smells. They want the fumes and they don't want to get panties and have it smell like downy. Or you had a low kind of drip out of you and kind of soak it a little bit. Now that's worth $600. That's what they're paying, and they're like, oh, you dirty fucking sludge. Yeah. Yeah. Wow, you guys are really cool.

It's almost like I've ordered a pair. Let's see what else we got. It is ironic though, the dirtier the panties, the more coveted they are. Yeah. Yeah. It's like if she was like, oh, I just washed them, you'd be like, I don't want to clean shit. You guys are savage.

Thank God for men. Yeah. Really, I love men so much because you guys are just such dumb animals. Yeah, we're deep. Yeah. $600 for fucking dirty shit panties. It's Lizzo. Oh my God.

How do you do? Who's it doing? Is that Tim Dillon? I love Tim Dillon. I think I thought this was a nice pallet cleanser, a sorbet in between. You don't like that? This doesn't tickle your fancy. Are you not entertained, Segura?

I thought it was a good dance. It was good. I thought it was a good talk. That's a solid thing. She flips you the bird at the end. Yeah, I didn't like that one. Wow. You guys are fucking.

And then she goes off camera and has a nice cup of sanca and a Winston. That's what she looked like. And a nice caw, and Edmunds cake. Oh yeah. That Edmunds cake's like every day. Yes. You never, she never runs out of it. What is the difference between a hooker and a wife?

Really, I wonder what the difference is. Take my wife please. That's it? That's it. There's no punchline? Well, listen, I thought it was an interesting debate that we could have. It's a discussion sparker. Well, after you go to Mexico, it's the same thing.

Yeah. Yeah, you turn it. You get a little... That's right. I'm a whore. I come back and I'm like, I should be more of a whore. Yeah. See?

Tom. That was really cool. Thanks. He's like... He looks healthy. Yeah. He's got nothing to fear, but he's definitely, if he catches COVID, he'll walk right through it.

Oh my gosh. Yeah. All right. Let's do our dates. Dingo de Mayo, you bet I'm coming up in May. We're going to be doing the live podcast. Yes. Duncan Trestle will be joining.

It's going to be off the rails. At the West Palm Beach Improv. That's right. And then the next night, May 6th, I do standup comedy at the West Palm Beach Improv. And then June 3rd through 6th, Chomajah, Nebraska. June 11th through 12th, Shark Lake Titties, Putah, we've added a show, I believe, a Thursday there. June 16th through, I think, 18th San Antonio, Tejas.

Next, Libita Township, Ohio in July, Faster, Please, Columbus, Ohio, August 12th, blah, blah, blah, Oklahoma City, Indianapolis, Denver in October, and it goes on to Raleigh. And it's all at OrlandoChristinaPOnline.com. Okay. What's up there, Chomo? I will be doing shows in Español, June 25th, 26th in Ontario Improv here in Ontario, California. 27th, a completely Spanish show in Brea at the Brea Improv. And then I'm supposed to know pretty soon, maybe by the time this comes out, whether

we're going back to the Vegas shows that I had at the Mirage. I don't know. They might be available by the time this comes out. We'll let you know. Yes, if you have not yet subscribed to Long Day's podcast, make sure you rate, review, and subscribe. It's also, I believe, on YouTube as well. Yeah.

If it is on YouTube, you should watch Blowing the Light, Seonis' special that's on YouTube, absolutely hilarious. Thanks, man. Anything else you want to plug? Celebrity Theater in Atlantic City, May 7th and 8th. Come check me out. There you go, Celebrity Theater. Mays.

Thanks so much for coming. Thank you, guys, for having me. This is a blast. It was a really good time. Big fans, both you guys. I wanted to come on the show, so thank you. No, you were absolutely fantastic. Thanks so much.

And to the rest of you. Take it easy, fuckhead. Thanks for tuning in. And we will see you again very soon. We'll close on military, military-issued steel toe boots by Odd Track Numbers. We'll see you next time. One thing I'm going to say right now is that these dress comments need to stop immediately. I am tired of seeing my comments.

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