Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 609 - Nikki Glaser & Andrew Collin - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: June 23, 2021

SPONSORS: - Go to https://saatva.com/theshit for $200 off your next order. - Go to https://stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in MOM to get a a 4-week trial PLUS free postage and a digital scale. - Use code HOUSE for 50% off 2 or more pairs at https://shadyrays.com  - Buy One, Get One Free. - Get 25% off and zero delivery fees on your first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app and enter code YMH. - Go to https://brooklinen.com  and use promo code HOUSE to get $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100. - Go to https://hellotushy.com/YOURMOM  to get 10% off your order and FREE shipping. - Receive 10% off your first order by using code MOM at https://FIVERR.com. - Get your first visit absolutely free at https://ForHims.com/mom. - Head to https://butcherbox.com/MOM to get a FREE BBQ Bundle in your first box! JEANS UP!! On this week's episode of YMH, Tom Segura and Christina P discuss Instagram's new pronoun feature, why summer sucks if you're fat, and take look at new videos from Garth Brooks and Cobra Tate. Nikki Glaser and Andrew Collin are comedians and the hosts of "The Nikki Glaser Podcast." They join the Main Mommies to discuss living together, cheating in school, writing embarrassing poetry, and more! Todd and Crystal introduce them to YMH All-Stars The King, Cobra Tate, and our video message cool guys. They also get brought up to speed on G and watch CP's TikTok curations.

Hey guys, we got a bunch of new merch right now. Go to store.ymhstudios.com and get that hot new gear. Cause we live together in St. Louis. We have this podcast together. We have like a life together. We're pretty much married. We live together and we don't have sex and we share the responsibilities.

I tried to hold your hand. Oh, oh, oh, please don't touch me. No, I can't, I can't ever. Hey, what's going on? It's summer dad, tea buns. You are such a fresh summer dad. Yeah, it's cool. You know, summer dads, we're still out there

doing our thing and stuff like that. And the blue matches the eyes, the blue eyes. Oh my gosh, what a coincidence. And you're wearing, those are little flowers, which is a softer look. Bitsy likes it too. You like that? You like flowers?

Why are you barking? Okay, chill out. She heard faces. Hey, shut your fucking mouth. Hey, just hit her real good. You know, I tried to tell Nate Bargazzi was here a while ago. I was like, punch her in the head, you know? But he didn't do it.

I wonder why. You would kill her if she's only 15 pounds or something? Well, yeah, of course. If you backhanded that dog. No, you can't backhand that dog. You could break her neck in one twist. Well, yeah, it's like a squirrel. Yeah.

She's basically like a fat squirrel. Yeah. Yeah, you can't, you can't be. She is a fat squirrel. Yeah. That's exactly who she is. Look, all her thoughts are done for the day. Yeah.

Fatten me. I got out when I needed to get out and now I can rest. That's like she did her work for the day. I know. I can't, I can't imagine what she possibly just barked at. That, that's this dog's talent is her ability to bark at nothing. Like we were all sitting here and then. Just ideas, thoughts, you know?

Do you think she sees ghosts or like? Possibly. Or farts. So I'm summer dad, but you're definitely Slavic mom right now. Hey, man, I'm Slavic mom air day all day. Yeah, every day. Regardless of season.

Of season, yeah. I mean, having the three stripes fucking jacket in the summer, the whole outfit, you got the tracksuit on. I know. It just feels right. You know, I've never been one for summer attire. I find it revolting, frankly. I don't like shorts.

I think shorts are just so embarrassing. I'm not into showing it. I don't know. Summer is the worst when you're fat. Yeah. Everybody right now who's fat and listening or watching is going like, mm-hmm. It's not, you're just not, you're not built for summer.

See? Jesus. Is that upsetting you too? She doesn't like us fat shaming. She doesn't like us fat shaming. It's true, I know. She's woke. You didn't know Bitsy's woke?

Bitsy's woke. She's like, use the right gender pronoun. Well, people misgender her constantly because she's got a very full beard. And people say, oh, he, his, beard. I go, don't you dare misgender my daughter. I agree. I agree.

I like people to know it's a she. Her, she, them, they. Hey, good news, by the way. Did you know that Instagram has added the feature you can add up to four pronouns? Oh, that's really cool. Yeah. Yeah, it's a very cool feature.

And I have all four of mine up there if you guys want to see at the Christina P. Go ahead, check out my pronouns. What are your pronouns? I mean, they're very personal, so it's like. Well, they're public, they're on Instagram. I know, but. We're going to pull this up. OK, Mike.

Can you see? I can't, I can't see. Wait a minute. What the hell? I don't see any pronouns. You get a refresh. Thanks for putting I'm married to a psychopath on there. I saw that before and I was like, is that a bit?

You just noticed. No, I've seen it. I'm just wondering how long you're leaving it up there for. I wonder why it's not showing up there, but you can read my pronouns here, Tom. OK. Your pronouns are thons, purrs. Thons.

Thons, purrs, fair, and x, y, r, zir. I identify as all four of those things, but at different times. Gosh, it almost feels like you're mocking those people. No, not at all. I know you wouldn't do that. I would never do that. Sure feels like it.

No, I feel strongly as a member of the thons of the community. What made you choose those four obscure pronouns? Choose? That's rude. See, it's just that kind of thinking, Tom, that people in my community are trying to end. Oh, really?

People in your community? I chose to be thons, zir. It's just what I do, what we do. OK. Well, look, I'm not. I'm very happy for you. God, you're so. Do better.

You know what I mean, Tom? You're so cisgendered white male. You know what it is? It's the summer shirt. I just feel like I'm just kind of loose today. You're feeling yourself in your summer chance? It's summer loose, I'm loose, man. Summer, summer, summer time.

Yeah. In the summertime. Remember that song? I definitely remember that song. In summertime. You look like a summertime dad. I don't have shorts on, though. I need to get some shorts.

Shorts are just embarrassing. Don't you feel like silly having your pants cut in half like a dick walking around? Well, when it's super hot out, though, you know? I know I understand the utility, but they don't look good. Shorts look kind of dopey. They're not the best. Pants look better.

Your short pants. Yeah, you look like a five-year-old with shorts on. Now, if you really want to go full summer dad, shorts and sandals. Will you buy sandals next? No. I'm not a flip-flops guy. You're definitely not.

And thank God, because I don't really think they're attractive. I'll do like a summer slip-on. You know, like a summer. Like a hoeslide. No, no, no. I mean like a, it's closed. Like the shoes I had on in West Palm.

Like a Tom's type of stitch. Yeah, I'll do that for the summer, something like that. But I don't really do flip-flops. Those are so gross. Those are gross. I think they're gross because they're bare feet in leather. Yeah, exactly. And you know it's sweaty in there.

It's not good. The leather's not good. I would do more of a canvas, cloth kind of thing. Absorbs the sweat and the summertime. I also like the way it looks more, personally. Summer, summer, dad. What else will you be doing as a summer guy? Yeah, like that.

What else will I be doing? Firing up the queue. Yeah, I'm going to queue more. I mean, I live in barbecue country now. You're in BBQ country now, in TX. So you got smoking meats, do all that. What do you prefer? Are you going to get out the smoker?

Or are you going to queue tradition? Because you're a fan of the smoker. A little both, a little both. Depends on the meat I got. I mean, I got a new real barbecue heavy neighbor. Yes, you do. So I'm going to be hitting him up for recipes and secrets of the trade.

The HEB, which, by the way, is no joke. The HEB is the best. You like it. There is sushi at the HEB. There is Calbee, the ribs, the meats. I bought there. All different marinades. It's almost like it's a grocery store that

has a whole bunch of stuff. No, it's better than a grocery store. And there's a fart messy in the HEB. A lot of them have that. No, if I go to Ralph's, there's no fart messy in the Ralph's. There might be a bar stucks, but not. All right. OK.

I like when you get excited about the stuff. There's no fart messy there. OK, you're right. But I mean, a lot of grocery stores have a fart messy. You're talking like someone that's never been in an HEB. Like, you need to see for yourself, Tom. You're going to like the way you look. I guarantee it.

There's so many things there. It's like a Costco and a gourmet market and Asian goods. I'm ready for it. I'm ready for this whole hook'em lifestyle. All right, let's get this show started. You ready? Here we go. On Inside Studio G, nothing is legal that goes on tonight.

You've got to see this swipe up. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn when the fuck is there? Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitzin.

Christina Pajitzin. Welcome to your mom's house. Shhh. Swap up. Swap, swap up. Swap up. Swap up. Yeah, it's really interesting that he would, he like.

I really like that. He looks different. He looks bad. That was going to go with different. Okay, well, I don't think it's a good, I think the Pandy wore him down. And what does he mean by nothing is legal? Different. Oh, it's different.

It's a legal issue in studio. What could he possibly be doing? I don't know. And also, but what I'm really like fascinated by here is what's going on in the face, right? Because the last thing that we saw of him that we played was this. I think she said it best. Unity. Love them one another, man.

That's kind of what you spent your time doing as a singer. That's what you get to sing about. So this is a great day. Okay, but you see him there. I like so much better there. I mean, that's only a few months ago, discussing the president elect inauguration. That was in January, end of January. And, you know, the beer, it's like scruff, but it's dark.

Like it's dark. Yeah. It's brown. And his face is filled out there. It looks like there's some meat on those bones. It's a few months ago. And then now. On inside Studio G, nothing is legal that goes on tonight.

You got to see the swipe up. It's going to be illegal. That's true. But the face is different. But why? Why is it scruff? And it's all gray. Because at first I was like, you can't dye scruff.

Can you? Apparently you can't. But what if they're just painting on scruff? Like what if they're painting on scruff to make him look rugged? Yeah. And they just draw it on. They very well could. It's not.

It's not out of the realm of possibility. Yeah. I just, I think his face looks very aged and sunken too. Look at the forehead, the wrinkles there. What happened in like four months? I mean, maybe he's had a rough four months. Is he ill? Because he looks thinner.

I don't know if he's ill. Has he lost weight or is it just the posture that makes him look thinner? I think he's lost weight. Maybe he's lost some weight. I think he's lost weight. But what I want to know, G, is did you paint on your scruff before? A scruff painter, yeah. You can totally paint on scruff.

Can people paint on scruff? Let the conversation begin. Maybe. Go ahead and you guys know what to do. You know what to do? Ask G. How did you paint your scruff on before? Why are you painting it gray now?

I mean, we've obviously already massacred his social media. Well, I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that we had anything to do with that. I'm sorry. I have noticed it from the outside. I don't know what's going on there. Cool stuff, slick stuff, neat stuff. All right.

We had a little technical squiggly do and now we're back. There's that weird one where it looks like G is standing next to a cutout of Trish, but it's actually. That's really Trish? Yeah. Are you sure? That's a cutout. No.

That's Trish? It's a person. Yeah. Damn. She looks so perfect there. That's not true. Wait, look at his. It says, I love Trish a year would.

Two exclamation marks. Love G. Right. That's what she says. That's what she does. It's so great because he thinks every post is like. Oh, and then she has a T Y on her hoodie in the middle there in the middle of that paw. Trish a year would.

Yeah. They're really big on just using the first letter of a word. I like you. T S. Yeah. C P. T S. T S.

See, he looks okay there. He looks tan and maybe it's the lighting on that. I will say his, his face looks really hollowed out here. Like he needs Botox and filler. I'm here now. Go to the next one. You're done. Go to the first, the current latest one there.

See G looks like, first of all, what a strange choice for a photograph, but. Yeah. And then what does it say there? What's it say under his thing? Oh my God. Can we give away tickets that aren't on sale yet? Hashtag garth and Lincoln love G hashtag studio G Lincoln bio spoiler alert. We did.

Okay. Like who is writing this copy? The team. The whole team there is. We have G stuff on our site by the way. If you want to get into our G stuff, go to store that Y image studios.com. There's a whole bunch of merch up there, but we've been leaned into some G stuff just in case you're wondering.

Now go back to his Instagram. Please. Yeah. I look at his profile pics. I mean, sorry, I look at the profile picture for Garth Brooks's Instagram. Look at that photo. Well, that's a hundred years old. What is going on there?

What's more interesting to me is if you scroll down. What is going on there? And the left side. That is not Trisha real. One down that one. I mean, look at that. That's not that long ago. Dude, he darkens his beard.

Yours too. You're so right. You nailed it. Yeah. He darkens it long, which was what was strange is seeing it short and dark. You know what I mean? Because I could darken this because it's here. Yeah.

Yeah. But if I shave my beard and just starts to grow out, it just starts to grow out. You said it best. Then it's really short. So how do you darken it at that level? Oh my God. We just discovered a new layer to G. Yeah.

That he sprays on his scruff beard. Yeah. Like he sponges it on or something. He's shadowing his face. It seems like it's just when you think G doesn't get weirder. It gets so much money inside Studio G. Nothing is legal. Because right here.

Nothing. You're like, who is this guy? Why is this? Why is the beard? White. White. Dark. Nothing is.

Do you think this is because someone got fired that day? Because of that picture? No. Just like this day, he was like, fuck you, man. And he fired his beard darkener. Yeah, for sure. The makeup lady. Yeah.

He's like, I don't like how she looks at me. I said, no eye contact during makeup. You're out. You're out. And she's like, well, your beard's going to be all white today, asshole. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

That's freaking me out. There's so many secrets. You mean to tell me that you do this, but you don't know where the bodies are? I know. And then look at that one. It's gray and the one on the far left in that row. Native. The red shirt.

He's wearing a red sweatshirt. That one? Yeah. Now look at the shading variants. Yeah. You've got kind of a Wolfman Jack thing going. That's when the makeup lady was on her way out. Yeah.

He's like, you know, fucking stupid. I look in that picture. They ain't even all dark. All the comments talking about home here now and coming up and make the fuck does that even mean? Yeah. That's my hole. He does love friends in low places.

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Protect the copyright. I'm stingy. Don't be stingy, Garth. I love it. I need to sing. I need your help.

Okay. Anyway. Yeah. Love learning stuff about G and this new beard thing. It's fascinating. And also he doesn't have a ton of likes on his images. Like for somebody as famous as G. Yeah.

Maybe it's just not a real interactive fan base. Weird. Yeah. It's almost like other people who are less famous have more active fans. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think I know what you mean. Yeah.

Look at that. Oh, there's that headshot. Let's look at that one. Look at that sexy headshot. So fucking sweet. Look how damn they glossed this shit out of that. That's one of the most terrifying images I've ever seen in my life. This right here, this guy's about to cut you in half.

Can somebody Photoshop my husband with this much airbrushing, this much Photoshop, like erasing of everything, like they erased everything on his face. By the way, we could just take the photo and put it out and then just let them do what they do. And we'll just release an image of me doing. I mean, and then just smooth, I mean, there's no, there's nothing left on that face. That's a lot of Photoshop. That's a lot.

Yeah. A lot of feather in it, brother. They feathered the shit out of that face. Feathered it. Fucking a. And he look at those eyes. That's he's thinking about Trisha right there. Oh, yeah.

So do you. What about his next city to conquer? Yeah. Yeah. He just, dude, a couple of weeks ago, he announced a tour or some dates, stadium, like in 20 minutes a stadium was gone. I believe it stadium, just 80,000 people gone. It's amazing how successful he is.

It's wild. Do you think you know this whole thing where he really want the fact that that image says fun? I mean, that doesn't scare the fuck out of you. Even if you're a fan, that picture and fun and huge. Let me on. Show me fun. Yeah.

It's so weird. It is so weird. It's a weird image. I like fun. Yeah. I'm going to fuck your fun hole when I fill it up with my fun. You know what? I really don't.

What I really like, he's so I find him very manufactured, I find a lot of bullshit. I don't know what don't be stingy. This looks like fun and I like that too. I love it. We just okay. The whole thing about how crazy he is for Tricia, Miss Yearwood, I'm crazy about Tricia. And then by the way, you know, we talk about that, the people that do that, their account is their love.

So we always talked about how that was strange. And then like a month or two ago, there was a story of Tricia Yearwood being like, this marriage is fucking hard. And I've wanted to walk away like, you know what I mean? That was a like a public story. That's right. Long ago that she said this and then you're like, Oh yeah, but but your social media is all like, we love, we love each other.

Every day is a better day with around G. Right. But then this interview, yeah, was with us weekly last week, we she said that their 15 year marriage can be difficult at times. They're both strong minded. We're both very independent people who run our own ships. Sometimes when two people are driving too big ships, it can be difficult, which is obviously meant like that's honest. Yeah.

But don't, don't, then I have a thing of like, well, why, then why are you, it's always like, it's always that thing. If you're declaring how happy you are and how great everything is on social media, maybe you're not that happy. Yeah. Yeah. Agreed. It's a, it's an interesting way to do things.

But do you think that he does it so Trish, maybe Trish likes those messages of affirmation. Like maybe that's her love language. And she's like, every time he does it, she licks his scrum. That's what gets his scrum licked. Completely different right there. So different. Like completely different. Look it.

Now that beard is like a little darker. Make that bit. Can you scroll in on that real quick? Yeah. You'll see how short it is. Yeah. If there's a little bit of like a goatee, but it's dark. It's dark as fuck.

It's dark. Yeah. What is going on over here? What's going on over here? G. What are two different G's? Two different G's. Is there a G double that we don't know about? G double.

He would be, he's famous enough and rich enough to be like, there's sometimes I don't feel like going out there. I'm a G double. I bet. I call him G2. G squared. He looks just like you. Yeah.

Like Gallagher. Yeah. Gallagher's brother that does the same thing. Like those dictators that like, you know what I mean? Like Mussolini had like a body double send out. Did he really? Yeah. Like a few of them have done that because they were, and Hussein had a body double because

they were always paranoid about being assassinated. Smart. So they would send out people that looked like just like them. Hold on. It says showtime three exclamation marks. So he writes like a fucking seventh grade girl. And then it says, we must dash you to enjoy the show. Hashtag Garth request live to love G and T.

What does that even mean? We must dash you. And then all caps. Is that supposed to be like a play on work? Like we must ask you? It is. We must ask you to enjoy the show and he's saying we must ask you. Yeah.

Is it a typo or is it like playful? No, I think he's trying to be cool. It's G-A-F for sure. Super G. Garth is fuck. Well, that's one way of saying it. G is F. Yeah. G-A-F.

Yeah. All right. And like another thing to watch, click link about or go to facebook.com slash Garth books like okay. This is something I've been wanting to show you though. It's just the lamest. I got something for you. Yeah.

I wonder how fun it was to learn about this guy. Let's see. Women. Oh, I love him. It's cut to the chase here. Women should clean up. Not only should women clean up, women should clean up unprompted and I'm going to tell you why.

I love Cobra Tate. Cobra Tate. And he has put out hit after hit. I'm a super big fan of this guy. I love this. So today's topic is girls were baffled by cheating. Every day I scroll through Facebook, I'm looking for a particular post and looking for those fucking bimbos.

Okay. He's always. So that's all that memories got one about drinking water, coronavirus. He's been he did it. He even did videos about us doing a video on him. Oh yeah. So this this is he appeared on another show and this has been posted on Instagram and Tiktok.

It's just really made me laugh. So here's Cobra Tate. Okay. One of my chicks, I'd make her make me two coffees every morning. She'd make me two coffees and one I would drink and the other I wouldn't even drink. I just leave it to go cold. And she said, why do you maybe make you two coffees? The second one's just like an insult because you never drink it.

You just make me make it because you want me to bring it to you, but you're not going to drink it. And I said, if someone broke into this house at night, I will die trying to protect you. That's my job. I will literally risk my life. If we're walking down the street and a guy tries to grab your ass, it's on. I have to risk my life against Mike Tyson, whoever he may be. He might be strapped.

He might have anything. I have to risk my life to protect you. That's my job as a man. And you have a problem making a coffee. Does it matter if I drink it? Damn. Does it really matter? I like knowing that you do your job.

If I need coffee, you're going to do it. And you get to know that if it goes, if it goes off, I will do my job as a man. And from you, all I ask for is two cups of coffee. It doesn't matter if I drink them. First I would like to point out that we are both wearing cool summer shirts. I know. His is way more open. Well, and how he's showing that incredibly growing tattoo.

It's really, it's a pronounced and how's he going to fight off the bad guys? That shirt's going to pop right open. Those buttons are just so tight. Well, yeah, it's a tight shirt. I mean, that's what you do. He's putting it, putting it out there. Yeah. That tattoo is covering his right teta.

Yeah. Yeah. It's huge. And I think the cobra goes down his arm. It's like, it's a lot. It might be eating. The cobra might be eating. I also think that, um, so what do you, first of all, what do you think of his request?

He's like, he makes her bring him to see, here's the deal, man, is that I bring you coffee in the morning. Yeah. And I do it out of love too, because I know you, you know, you want some coffee, the two coffees, like one is just a flex on her, but he's got power over her. Yeah. So I'm, I mean, I enjoy it because I know it's kind of degrading, but the whole thing is.

Right. Right. Right. Like why? It is, it's, um, I feel like he's doing it like this example is, this is what I'm asking for. Are you going to do it? I just, I, so, so, okay.

So listen. So, so he goes, I just like to have two. I like one to go cold and I like to, I like to look at one. I like to drink one. I like that. And if you were to say that to me, I'd be like, that's kind of a dicky thing. Okay. I guess so.

Here you go, idiot. Here's your two coffees. I'll throw one in your fucking face. Yeah. That's not what Cobra is talking about. Okay. Your attitude's all wrong. And I think he would tell you that.

Yeah. I'd throw the, I'd throw the second one in his fucking. Does he have a point? Does he have any point with the fact that his, he would risk his life to defend you. And all he's asking for is another cup of coffee. Is there a point there? You enjoy the point. Do you get the point?

I get the point. I get the point. I definitely do. How do I know for sure he's going to put his life on the line for me? Like, yeah, you say that. Well, he's, well, yeah. Yeah, you say that, Cobra. Well, you can't, what are you going to do?

Wait till somebody breaks him. Be like, are you going to do it or not? Well, that's what I'm saying. So then all those days of undrunk, undrunk and undrunk coffee make me feel mad that I did all that. And then where's my payoff? You know what I'm saying? Like all that money in the bank.

Yeah. That's a good point. He's a smart guy. He's got his own system. I would love to meet the women. Would you do this to a woman? He dates. The maker give me two cups of coffee.

Well, I understand that you don't like want that. I'm saying would you do like a, this is what I want. Let's see if you do it. Like. The test? Nah, I don't do that type of stuff. You any? You into this move?

He does. I mean, it's not. I mean. It's not a, it's not a matter of this is what I want. It's this is what it is. So like this is, this is the way that I work. So if you don't want to be with that, I mean, that's on you, but this is. Do you work this way though?

Not with specifically with coffee, but yeah, like if I want something that I think other relationships or people might find ridiculous. It's the same thing that I said about right and wrong. I live my life the way I live my life. I think it's weird. Maybe you shouldn't fuck with me. I don't know. Okay.

You know what I mean? Well, yeah. To Cobra's defense, I mean, he's putting it out there exactly what his demands are. He's letting you know. He, he, so, you know, that could be his way of thinking and he makes a good point. Like if that's your jam, that's what you want, then you're going to attract that kind of woman that's going to do it for you. Hopefully.

Yeah. I mean, this, he's just, he's just, I think any makes a good point that is just, this is what he wants. I want to meet the women that he's into though. I'd love to hear their side. Yeah. Like she's like, I mean, I make two coffees. He doesn't drink them both, but it's what he wants.

But if you try to grab me, he'll hit you. By the way, if you want to watch more of that, it's from the Fresh and Fit podcast, which he was against on. I could hear Cobra all day. I'm a huge fan. I could too. I find him just highly entertaining. Oh, is it great?

Ultimately, it's really what I, you know. He's very charismatic. Yeah. He's great to look at. He's got a great physique. He does. He knows what he's doing. Yeah.

He does. He's got a system. Yeah. He knows what he's doing. And it works for him. He reminds me of like a political pundit who goes like, you know what? Fucking lock him up. And you're like, Jesus.

And then he's like, he knows what he's doing. Yeah. He's getting you all fired up. You know? Yeah. He's a great entertainer. He's a great speaker. Yeah.

And he'll fight and he just wants to fucking one cup of coffee to look at. That's right. There you go. All right. We're going to be back in just a moment. It's Nikki Glaser and Andrew Carl. Let him hear it everybody. Yay.

Hi guys. Thank you guys for coming. Thanks for having us together. Bitsy's all fired up. Bitsy doesn't like clapping. Oh yeah. Sorry. We got excited.

He doesn't like clapping. Okay. So you look great, Nikki. I was just asking you before we started rolling. What's different? Did you do something with your teeth? What is it? Well, I did get Invisalign like six years ago and it was supposed to be a three months,

three month fix. Gotcha. It was after a breakup. Those are nice. Lovely. I saw the attachments on. I really didn't need it. It was like this one thing, this one.

Was it a post breakup decision? Yeah. I just was like, I need to change something. I'm not willing to commit to like a different hair color like I've done in the past. And I, I dropped like it's like six grand on like, you know, and I didn't, it was, it was a lot of money to spend, but I was like, this is good. And they can fix this thing. I've always been insecure about because when I was young in fifth grade, I had,

my teeth came in before anything else and I had really big teeth and this one always stuck out. And I got called a buck tooth beaver in class. It was like my thing. That was my like first insecurity. So I see this tooth sticking out all the time and they still can't fix it. Six years later, I'm still having, I'm still wearing trays and trying to get it pushed back and I'm about to give up.

I was going to get this tooth taken out and just replaced. I was going to say you could do a veneer. You know what this like shows me though? How everybody's thing like in their head, it's about, it's in their head. It's in their head. Like nobody looks at your teeth and goes like, what's that fucking tooth? No one. And like what if, okay.

So if I fix this, if I had to ask myself, if I fix this and then like a guy likes me because of that, like that was the thing holding or like I get a role. But like, I wouldn't want to be with that person. I've been watching you for years, but that fucked up too. That's the thing though. It's subtle because nothing's, I, my teeth have gotten straighter just around not that part, but the rest of them. And it's very subtle, but, and you would never recognize it, but it gets, people go, what's

different? Like the teeth, they have straightened even ever so slightly. That's why when you get the littlest like Botox or filler, I had a friend who was getting it for years and I never knew she was. And then finally she was like, yeah, I've been getting it for years. And I like, she was my best friend. And I was like, have I ever noticed? And she was like, the only thing people say is like, you look so great.

They don't. Yeah. And that's good. Because everyone goes, don't get work done. It's going to look, guys are always like, you'll ruin your face because they're just scared that their girlfriend's going to look like this because they easily can. Yes. But most of the time it's so subtle and no one would ever admit to it.

And so we don't know so many, every actress fucking does it. And Actors. And Actors. Because I get the filler and the Botox I do under my eyes. I do here. And I'm my plastic surgeon. She goes, oh, so many guys come in here. The male actors, they get it all.

This is good. How long have you been doing it? Shout out Dr. Anita Patel. I got to go see your lady. She's amazing. Because I've done it before and they keep. Are you also doing this? I'm thinking about hair transplant.

No. You ever think about that? I have. Not because you're balding. He did. I'm bald. He spent $40,000. You're not balding.

Wait, what? No way. Wait. No. I did do a podcast with Dion. And I remember that he was bald and then Dion Sanders. And then also he had a full head of hair. And he did it publicly with his company.

So he was like, yeah. And another number of football players, whatever went with this one company. I mean, look at his hair. It's fucking. Well, earlack or two. Oh, wow. And he owns it. Like you own the company?

No, no. Like he owned it. Oh, right. That's why it's good to talk about this. It's an option for guys. Well, when you see a guy with a bigger dick, then you get a hair transplant. You're like, I could. I could do that.

Yes. You know what I mean? You always come down to dick size. You have what? A widow's peak thing going? I like a widow's peak. I think it's masculine. I don't mind a bald guy.

I don't either. I don't care. So you went in to get. No, I didn't do it. But I talked to him about it. I was like, oh, you know, I've thought about. But here's the other thing is I'm the biggest asshole if I get a transplant because I would get a transplant.

And I'm like, I'm a buzz my head. Like, sure. So I'd be. You want to do bangs? A guy with new hair. And I don't know. It's just not. It's not the hair I like.

Now you have a nice. There's nice hair. A lot of hair. I hide well. My dad's bald. My older brother's bald. But they're successful. So you could be bald and successful.

You can't be a poor bald Jew. It just doesn't. It doesn't work out. I've always said those exactly. You have that tattoo. Yeah. But I feel like the beard balances out the face. Yeah.

You got to do the beard. But also, if you're going to do the transplant, you got to do it. You got to do it. But isn't that sad that I couldn't shave my. I can't even like my own face. But I don't think you shave your face if you had a full head of hair because you don't like your mouth. I don't like my mouth.

You don't like your mouth. He has too much mouth skin. What? Wait, what do you mean? Mouth? I have too much skin between my nose and my lip. Is this why you say words all stupid and stuff? Maybe.

Is this why you say words like the boat don't hear well? I'm so bad. I'm so bad. I don't have to. This is early on. I can't bully him for it anymore because it's like bullying someone with a speech impediment. Oh, yeah. I can't make fun of it.

I'm trying to be like, he says, Oni instead of only. Oni? Oni. Oni fans. No, say it. Say it. Say it. What?

I mean, now that I'm on the spot, Oni. Oni. Yeah. And then he says. What was it? That's terrible. That one's rough. Dude, didn't you go to a good fucking school?

I went to your school. No, I'm talking about college. I went to Tulane. I didn't do anything there. He cheated his way through school. He cheated. I mean, you're open about this, right? I can't believe you're talking about this.

How did you cheat? He cheated like really badly, never once went to like class or studied or anything. I got caught once. I got caught one time. We're at Tulane? Yeah. He's on a plane. Snake.

Remember Snake on your calculator? Yeah. I had to test beforehand, me and 30 other guys. And so we filled out. I filled out the answer in like two minutes. And then I was just playing Snake because I was bored. I was going to wait another 45 because you can't turn it in. The guy's looking over my shoulder.

He's like, what are you doing? He took my calculator. So then I had to pretend to fill out more to test without a calculator. So I just like, fuck this. I'll just hand it in. Some other guy that I didn't know had the test handed it right in. So we had the same exact answers. And the funny thing is we got the test before and we got a B.

Like we didn't. You couldn't even memorize a Scantron. Like, no, we didn't even like find the right answers in the book. And the guy figured it was like a prop stat class. So he's like, yeah, it's 99.9%. That 25 of you had the same exact answers. Oh, right. And he's like, you could take the test again.

I go, all right, I'm going to do it. I'm going to take it myself. And I don't know. Do you remember like if you withdraw before a certain time, you don't get a withdrawal with failure. You just get with. So I withdrew right before if I waited, I waited too long. So it would be withdrawal with fail.

But I was like, I'm going to do it my own. I'm going to study. Uh-huh. They started studying. I was like, I'm not going to learn this. So I go back to the guy. I go, look, I didn't cheat, but I don't think I don't think I would do well. You didn't actually.

I go, can I just get out of it with just a withdrawal? And he let me go, which was. Yeah, you got lucky. Yeah. Did you guys cheat or do anything like morally reprehensible? Yes. I forged a signature in college to get out of a class. So what he's talking about the W versus.

The WF or whatever. Yeah. So I forget even what class it was and I was just going to, I was not doing well. And it was that it was a final hour before the Dean's office closed before I could hand in the paperwork to get it signed by so-and-so. And I fucking forged the signature because I was like, I got it. But I was like in my head. I'm like, yeah, but I need to do this otherwise my whole career.

And they, they. What's the signature? It was the, I forget who I had forged and I. And you got caught. And I got caught. Was that the worst feeling in the world? Yep. Do you remember where you were when you found out that you got caught?

Like. No, this is 20 years ago. But I do remember getting called in and then feeling really horrible and shamed and, but then I'm kind of glad like I got caught on that stuff because I didn't, I didn't really get punished. I didn't get punished because it was, you were probably really sorry. And it seemed like it was so not in your character to do something like. I hadn't gotten in trouble ever and I was a public safety.

Like I was a fucking nerd. Yeah. So I don't know. Did you know I did that? Did I ever tell you that? I go. So no, you didn't tell me that. Do you, do you think of me differently now?

No, I love you. You think she cheats on you now? I don't know. He doesn't. She's probably good at it. He doesn't. Um. Do what you do.

We're hotwifing. Oh, hotwifing. I mean, I'm on the road. You know what I mean? I'm into hot husbands. What? I go like, if I'm the opposite, like there's a very few women that like the person they're with to like hook up with other women and hear about it and I'm, I like it.

And people told me, oh, you're into hot husband. I was like, I don't know what that is. They go, well, it's like hot wife is the thing. Yeah. And you're the opposite. You're like. So you would like the guy you're with to hook up with other people and you would hear about it.

Hear about it. Not be in the corner. Like, what am I doing? You're so in touch with like your sexual freedom. I'm not though, dude. I don't have, I know. I don't have sex at all. I'm very scared of sex actually.

What? What is going on? I haven't had sex since June of 2019. I don't understand what's going on. I know. I don't know you anymore. I know. I don't know myself.

Did you shut it down? No. I wasn't having a lot of sex before. I was always just hooking up with ex-boyfriends and like trying to pursue men that like could never love me. So it never got off the ground and I won't have sex with someone unless they're like my boyfriend and I like see like. You don't do the one night stand thing.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't do that. I can't like someone enough to want them inside me for that. It's too awkward. I just need to really be into someone. You need to connect. Really connect. Yeah.

Well, I just need to feel very horned up and I don't feel that I won't have any sex unless I'm extremely horny with someone for the first time. You know, that's the only way it'll get me to do it because I don't drink anymore because drinking, I used to just be able to do it, but now I like have to be get drunk with horniness to like put myself in that awkward situation of like hooking up for the first time. It's so scary. So I was looking up with an ex for a really long time and then I put an end to that. And then after that, I was like, that was June 2019 and I just haven't found someone

that I can let inside. I want I've found many men that I would have liked to have that with, but it's just like they can't come through. And so I'm like, I can't have sex with you. I want to. But when you say they can't come through, it's more about like they can't take it to the relationship level you want first. Yeah, they're not going to.

Yeah, they're they don't want to be in a relationship. They're not going to love me the way I need. They're not going to be I'm looking for a husband, you know, just want to marry for two years. I just want to be married like two years. Yeah. I think I did it, you know, preenup, clean, make it so that we can break apart when we need to.

And honestly, I would like to find someone forever, but I won't be sad if it ends in two years. I'll be third. I'll be 40 when I get out of it by the time I find someone that I'm 30, about to be 37. I'll still be 40. I'll be single. I'll like know myself more. I'll be ready for the second marriage.

Perfect. I just feel like, I don't know. Well, second marriage, like, well, would you even get married a second time? Maybe not. Tom and I talk about this all the time. Yeah, your second wife's going to be hot as hell. How is 20 years old yoga? But here's the thing.

Kalyla and I made a deal on where my mom's at. If I die before you and you go get with some 20-year-old dipshit yoga instructor, Kalyla will murder you. Oh, that's the agreement you made? Yeah. And I'll murder Bobby. You'll commit a homicide. Yep.

Okay. We made a murder count. What's your nightmare? What if she's brilliant? Your true nightmare. If you could, like, ask Tom to promise you something on your death bed, like, just please don't marry a person that does this. Okay, let's fast forward.

Okay, you're dying. You're dying. You're dying. I'm like, oh, okay, you're going to die. No way. What do you say? Is it a slow death? His hands are around your neck.

Yeah. Slowly losing consciousness. What do you wish for him? Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you what would be my nightmare, okay? As the first wife, like, I've loved this man when he slept on a mattress on the floor without a fucking headboard. I loved this man as a fucking open, micro brute, like, just a broke ass going nowhere

comic, son. Like I loved you for you, Homie, for you. So if you get with some fucking 20-year-old, like, just dumb, dumb, hot piece of ass, who's just all she cares about is handbags and she's not nice to my children, that's the cap. That's the thing. I wouldn't marry someone not nice to my children. I want you to marry an abuelita, like, some nice old, old Latin woman and she cooks for

you. You wouldn't marry a grandmother? Yes. No sex with abuelita and there she is, there's your second wife. That's my second wife? That's who I want, abuelita. But she'll die soon, too, and then the third, she won't care. But then she gets to make the next one.

She won't care. That's true, then. She'll tell me. Yo quiero que te casas con una chica muy guapa. Well here's why. I'm giving your money, our money, to some fucking hussy, so that's why you marry abuelita. I would want my husband to marry a really vapid, hot girl that will never be as cool as me and he'll always, he'll be sitting on the counter with her and he'll laugh at something

that we would have laughed at because we get that stuff. Because you guys got that. And then she's like, what? And he's just like, never mind. And he goes, God, I miss Nikki. And he's like, you know what, I'm tired of fucking this thing already, I thought I would never get tired of it. I am.

Maybe Nikki and I, she wasn't as hot as Nikki, but this is what matters and I fucked up. And I got to get turned on by a guy being old and getting a really hot girl. That girl, I'm just like, that poor girl. Your husband's winning. That girl has to suffer. You think that girl's happy? Yeah. Fucking your old husband?

That's true. Would you rather him not settle down and fuck a ton of dumb 20-year-old? I just don't want that bitch in my house. That's what I'm saying. So maybe. Get the fuck out of my house, bro. Like, this is my bed. This is my stuff.

Just haunt him. I think you should just come back and haunt him. It's a great idea. And if he doesn't, you'll stay away and only do sweet hauntings. Like, you'll like, you know, the water will get a little hot when he's washing his hands and you'll like, no, that that's her. But then it will burn you if, if, yeah, she'll do. I'm watching you shit.

It's pretty exciting. What's your nightmare? Who I am? Yes. Whatever. Isn't that annoying too? Don't you want to care? I wasn't caring.

I want him to, I want. Yeah. Something. Some kind of jealousy of like who you could be with. Well, I definitely would not want, yeah, the same thing though. You're like, you picture like someone in your home, in your bed. With your bed, kids. Yeah, I mean.

Get a new house. Yeah, get a new house. Get a new house, guys. Yeah. It's not about that, though. It's the life you built and then this asshole gets in it. Yeah, it's the life you built and then. I know.

Definitely someone around the kids. Someone dies tomorrow. Who do you see yourself with? Nobody. You'd go completely. I'll tell you why. Wow. Yeah, I think if he dies tomorrow.

Or in an hour. In an hour. This is feeling really real, you guys. Like a car wreck. I have two little boys. Jesus. Right. I would focus all my energy into the kids, I think.

Yeah, absolutely. And then just bang like boys that I met on. What's that? What's enough? Tender. Raya. You're on Raya. You can get on Raya.

I got the blue check mark. You're on Raya. You're on tonight. Dudes on apps. How long after the funeral? Swipe. Swipe. Oh, it's 15 minutes.

And then they leave and you just never hear, like, who cares? Who cares? Yeah. Because I don't want my children to know some guy that's not their dad. Yes. But don't you want your wife to still get it too and like have a sex life but just not love anyone? Not really.

No? No. I mean, I'm not going to control it or anything, obviously, but like, no, I don't care if she never gets laid again. Oh my God. I don't. The guy's like. It's not a concern.

Yeah. Oh, I hope you're sexually fulfilled. I don't care if you die the next day. I'm already dead. Oh yeah. That's true. You actually don't have. Yeah, you're dead.

I'm dead. Yeah. You're rides over. Yeah. I hope you have like some vaginal numbness disease or something. That's actually nicer so you don't even feel the desire that you're not getting. You know what? I hope you don't.

I have to get on TRT. So you get like really masculine. What's TRT? Testosterone replacement therapy. I love you showing up at a TRT clinic crying, being like, it was his final wish. I have to start this process and you just have to start giving yourself injections while you're mourning. Then you start hosting this show and you're like, hey guys, it's Christina P and I'm

here. You know? You have a nice deep voice. And you start balding. You start balding. You start getting fucking jacked. And then you know what? Whoever you seduce with that body, I'm cool with.

Yeah. And then your kids will have a father growing up here. Andrew's banging a lady who is very young, but I'm not in with no judgment because she's actually cool. I wanted to like hate her and be like, oh, because we live together in St. Louis. Yeah. We have this podcast together. We have like a life together.

We're pretty much married. We live together and we don't have sex and we, you know, share the responsibilities. So I tried to hold your hand. Oh, please don't touch me. No, I can't. I can't ever risk that. It's just like, no. It's too much.

Yeah. Do you think, can I say, is there a possibility that we end up together? Yeah. Could it please happen? Why could it not happen? Yes. The thing is, I just, I feel about him the like, I know that people think that and I understand that we would probably be like, that's what a relationship is.

But we don't like the same thing sexually. Like we're not compatible in that way. Because of conversation. We talk about stuff. Like it's just, I'm not going to, and we just don't, I like it like this and that's would ruin it. And well, I brought you on here for a reason. Oh my God.

Tom. Yes. Can you bring out the band? Come on guys. Guys. Come in. You know, I could be by, like I'm open to like dating women at this point and I'm putting that out there.

But when I say that, and if I was someone who was bisexual and dated women, no one would ask me about my best friend Anya and say, why have you guys never hooked up even though she's beautiful? She might be bisexual. You know what I'm saying? Oh, thank you. So I feel like that way about Andrew, it's like, I acknowledge that he's an attractive guy.

He gets hot girls. He is so funny and someone I like to be around. But for me, I want someone, I just realized recently, I need a relationship with a guy who does not want to be the center of attention like I do. I am that. I like to be the, look at me and I want my boyfriend to sit back and just be like, oh my God, there she goes. Like, you know, like kind of like us.

Okay, but that's, that's a wise thing to recognize. And we both love, we're like siblings, we both want to be like me, like that's us. Yeah, it makes sense. Well, it's so good that you know that, but now here's the deal, Nikki, is that you have to be open to being attracted to a mellow, maybe quieter, introverted guy. I don't, yeah, I am into that now because I know that's what I want. I, I've changing everything. Like this past year really made me realize what I want and be able to, and I've been

attracted to people that I would never think I was attracted to because of just that energy of like just being able to love me. Like I have just loved myself, like I just learned to like myself. Just very late, but I truly like accept myself and as dumb as that sounds, it's like it happened over the past year where I was just like, I'm just tired of trying to be someone else or like always like being like beating myself up about not being this or that or not working hard enough for all these things that are just not true. And if they are, it's like, who cares?

I really accepted it. And so now I feel open to someone else seeing that in me and being like, like I want a guy to be like, not like me because you're like, oh my God, you were so funny the other night on stage. You looked so hot up there with a microphone. Yeah, you don't want that. I want a guy to be like, I like the way you like eat, like, you know, runaway rabbit and like just like the way you like get excited about a Taylor Swift song.

Like I want someone to go like, you're so cute, not like you're so funny. I'm already secure about that. I want someone to like love me and be like, you're just such a, I just want to hold you and like, I want to be like this in a relationship. Like I just want to. I'll take anything. You know, well, Nikki, good luck finding a straight guy because it sounds like you're into women.

There's no straight guys like what you're. No, this is the thing I'm into. I'm reading. I read this book that I'm very into that Whitney Cummings actually recommended to me years ago when she got engaged and I was like, how'd you get engaged? Like what the hell did you do? And she was like, I read this book. Andrew's heard about this so much.

He hates this book, but it's actually really good. It's called getting to I do. It's the worst name ever. But my friends have read this book and I'm not joking. If they are engaged to these guys that we're fucking like, I was actually hoping that one of this, this one guy, I wanted, I literally wanted this guy. He tortured my friend's life. She was like a heroin addict with this guy for, for years where I go, I

can't be your friend anymore. If you engage with this guy, like I have to pull. I have to do intervention style. I was hoping he was going to kill himself. Honestly, I know that's not hoping, but something would take him out because my friend's life, LinkedIn, that's, that's pretty rough. I am a sick bitch, but I was hoping he would like pass away and I'm best friends with him now.

Your best friends with the guy because he's my best friends, husband to be, I was hoping because I thought he was so worthless and pulling my friend down. I was like, this guy needs to just go away. Something needs to happen. I wasn't hoping he'd kill himself. That is obviously an exaggeration, but I was like, I'm going to lose my friend to this guy and she read this book, changed the way she acted.

And this guy and her, he's, I mean, we, we know him quite well. I don't want to say who it is. No, yeah, but we know him very well. And he treats her like a fucking queen. Wow, I gotta read the book. Tell me the secrets. It's called getting to, and it's just about, and this is for people in relationships to shave your pussy is chapter one.

What is it? Shave your pussy? It honestly is that that's the whole book. It honestly, that's a part of it. Yeah. So yeah, I bet you who made the first move here in between you two. Okay. So he's the masculine energy in your relationship.

You're the feminine energy, which is what I'm saying of like, you want your feelings to be just like, come here. Let me just, he's not going to tell you. He's not going to give you advice about your feelings. He's going to listen and hold you and let you cry. Yes. He, when he gets upset about something, he does kind of one advice. Like he might not want advice, but he wants, he's not, never.

So in a relationship, there's a yin and a yang. And in this book, it's called feminine energy, masculine energy. Now that gets, that's complex because some guys are like, I don't want to be feminine energy in a relationship, but a lot of men are and it's a fucking hot thing. It doesn't mean you're a girl. And if you're masculine energy woman, which we are on stage, it's not, it doesn't mean you're a lesbian, but it's rarer for a woman in a relationship to be the masculine energy and the, but it's yin and yang.

So yin being feminine energy in a relationship, you should never ask a man and that's a masculine energy man, how he feels like ever in the book, it says, don't ask a man how he feels unless he's on fire. And you as a feminine energy woman should never say, I think, never talk from, I think, only say, I feel, but this is the, it sounds a little handmade tail of like only do not say what you think. You know, but the thing is you can say what you, you can say what you feel. You can say anything.

You can tell a man as long as it's true, men that's in the masculine energy are going to get turned on by your feelings. So when I felt in love with the guy, I've just been like, I'm in love with, I feel in love with you. And like it like turns them on. It's the thing you think is going to scare them the most. If they do love you, turns up, they love your feelings. Do you love my feelings, Tom?

I like feelings. Yeah, I like you. Do you like my hearing my feelings? Yeah, I do. Yeah, I'm sorry. He can handle it. And wait, and then then a man, what does the feminine energy want to hear from the masculine energy?

So the masculine energy, once you need to respect the masculine energy, because here's the real deal. And this is where it gets controversial. This this book is dismantling feminism because it dismantling honoring it and saying, God, thank God, it led us to be able to be standing at comedians with our own lives and careers. Yeah, but what it did was make us too masculine in our relationships and then aren't attracted to that.

They can't help it. It's not that they're misogynist. It's just that they're not as horny for a woman who's like, I want this. And I think this because it's disrespectful and I can feel my dick going to my body. I mean, it doesn't. So girls, listen, I know it sounds weird, but just talk from a place of, and this is the this is the part that's kind of mind blowing, but I get it.

You need to acknowledge as a woman in a relationship with a masculine man that for a man who's a masculine energy man, for him, giving up sex with other women to be in a committed relationship with you is a pretty huge sacrifice. It is against his nature more so than it is ours. I know there are women out there that love sex and like crave it. And you're a masculine energy woman. Probably it is against a man's nature because a man is supposed to spread

his seed so that the village has enough babies because the winter's coming and they're all going to die. So for him to stay with you, he's risking spreading his DNA throughout the tribe. And so it's a huge sacrifice. So that doesn't mean he can't do it, but you have to honor him and respect the integrity it takes for him to not fuck other women, not that he's not going to want to, but in respecting his integrity, it takes to say no to that. Just in the way you talk to him and the way you respect him and treat him with respect.

He will feel so much more attracted to you because he is doing men love to be had to have integrity. So if you are like, you don't have to say like, thank you for not fucking other women, Tom, but when you want to talk to him about something that's a little bit like a thing you need to bring up about like you're feeling a certain way about his behavior and it's going to, you know, it's going to irritate him, you have to ask him, hey, I feel like I need to talk to you about something, Tom, that's bugging me.

When would be a good time for you to talk about that? You need to make it his decision to hear your feelings. And it's a tricky thing, but they'll fucking love it and they'll be able to handle your feelings much better if you schedule it with them. There's all these little tricks in this book. Good trick. I got to read this book. But it's controversial because women are like, I want to focus just as much as men. No, you don't. It's not as big of a sacrifice.

I'm curious, though, as to what the feminine wants to like the feminine person, we want. Well, what they want to hear, though, I'll tell you. We want to hear when we want to hear. I'll tell you, I can handle your feelings to someone to go. I'm not going to run when you get hysterical. I'm just going to hold you. I'm not going to tell you what to do. I'm not going to give you advice. I'm going to say, I'm sorry.

I'm going to acknowledge your feelings. So in a relationship, you need to decide, do you want your thoughts respected or your feelings cherished? You cannot have both. You can get your feelings. You can get your thoughts respected on stage, on the podcast, in your work life with your friends, but you can't have both in a relationship. And if you want both in a relationship, you're a narcissist and don't deserve

anyone, you can take care of yourself. Wow. Wow. That's a lot. It's a lot because I don't know what I want, what I want, because I kind of want both. And I think I'm a narcissist. Well, maybe. And I have to work on it. To some extent, we are narcissistic because we are performers.

So it depends on what scale, what level you're at. But I think by the very nature of acknowledging it, you're not a narcissist. You're not. Yeah, I don't think you could. And there's also, this is my whole sex thing. This book is also sets forth this thing of like, I now value my vagina hole that I don't let or an asshole, I'll say that too. Enough. And I should, my mouth hole too.

I should not let guys in it before they're my boyfriend. That one's harder to just like, you're just like, it's an easy way to get a guy off when you're fooling around and you can't have sex. So it's like, I do, I have given blow jobs before a relationship. And I wish I wouldn't because you, the whole science behind when you bond to a man, when he goes inside you, women don't understand. You get, you get a chemical addiction to a man. That is the amount of oxytocin that gets shot off for a woman to have

an orgasm is like eight times the amount for a man's orgasm. So we get this hit of like hair, like the best feeling in the world. We bond to their smell, the sound of their voice. And it is, we go through withdrawal. That's why women get fucking crazy after they have sex, because you're going through a drug withdrawal and it takes up to two years for that to wear off that one time. So be careful when they go inside you or be black out drunk.

So you can't remember it. That's what I did for years. I didn't get attached to guys, but when I quit drinking, boy, I learned the hard way. No, wait, I want to ask you because I was mesmerized by both of your Instagram accounts that like, I thought, did you guys move to the Cayman Islands for a while? Yeah, what the heck? Well, I was like, wait, that's a great idea.

Then I was like, did they go romantic getaway? Did you guys, I thought you banked photos and just kept. I was like, no, they keep. It's because wait, I remember this too. I remember also seeing, you know, the pandemic started. You were in the New York Times, but an article like living with my parents. Yeah. And you moved to St. Louis, March, March, 2020.

I moved in to St. Louis just for a couple of weeks because I was in between apartments. I was like, I'll just stay with them till this blows over. Was there for until December or January 1st in December? I'm like, what the fuck am I going to? I don't want to go to New York. Nothing's open. I don't want to go to LA.

I'm too scared homelessness. I had everyone's leaving. You guys like, I'm like, what the fuck do I do? Want to stay in St. Louis? Love my family. Can do everything from here. I don't have any friends though. And I never live alone.

Yeah. But didn't it also go like, yeah. And you called him, I called Andrew and go, well, you moved to St. Louis to be my roommate and friend. And then you were like, yes. Will you pay me? Yeah, that's right. Well, my first question was, and then I go, how are you feeling?

Oh, I mean, we don't, we don't get along sometimes. So it's also like, if he's moving in and he's paying, we're living in this nice place, place, I'm paying more rent. It's a number. It's just a number that I'm like, paying much more of. Yeah. Like your mom yelled at me. So her, I pay on Venmo because she pays to rent directly.

I paid on the fourth. Her mother yelled on me on Venmo on the 17th recently that I didn't pay on time. My mom thinks Venmo is like social media. She goes, you didn't pay on the first. Don't let it happen again. I mean, it was joking, but she, I don't think she was pretty serious. She had an exclamation mark. She probably actually was serious.

Anyways, but yeah, so. So he moved in with me and then, and then I got a gig almost right away. And like February, I got offered this show that I can't talk about. Yeah, I wish I fucking could. I'll tell you guys how fair it's the best. I heard the name of it and I was like, I cannot wait for that word. Those words to be on my IMDB, like it will be the funniest thing. This is going to, whether it's terrible, it's going to be hilarious

to have that deadline article. So it was a hilarious show that concept that I got asked to be on with a great like platform and then they were like, we're doing in the Cayman Islands. There's no COVID here. You have to quarantine for two weeks, two and a half months or something like that. Seventy five days. We had a quarantine for two weeks and I brought Andrew. I got Andrew as part of it because I was like, I can't live alone for two weeks.

And we were starting a podcast. So he was a part of my contract to get brought down there with me. And then when he's down there, I get him a job writing on the show because perfect. He I need him around. And then we're just, he was the it was the best. And then I stayed for two more weeks after it wrapped because I was like, there's no COVID here.

There's no tourists. Why come back? It's beautiful. It's empty. Hotels are cheap as hell. I was staying at a four thousand dollar night suite for six hundred bucks. Damn. And just was in alone in this resort.

It was amazing. And you miss, do you miss it all in New York? Everybody leaves New York like, you know, New York's such an amazing like, do you miss it? I thought I would so much. But like, I thought my biggest fear was the clubs opening back up again and everyone doing sets every night. And I don't know if you guys feel this like everyone's going to get really good.

And I'm, if I'm not out there every night, I'm not living somewhere where you can just stand up every night and get on stage, then I'm going to get bad. But I see these young kids out doing this or hanging at the cellar. And I'm like, that's for them now. Like I will go out on, I know what I need to do to get good, to get ready for something, but I can't do this every night shit anymore. So New York to me represents, if I'm in New York, I'm running around doing sets and I don't want to do that anymore.

Yeah, you don't have to. You don't have to. You don't have to. I never would have stopped if COVID didn't happen. I never would have understood that there's like, you can just like eat dinner and then like go watch. Yeah. I don't know where you guys were.

You always just set set set every night. Every single night for the last 15 years. Like I didn't do every night, every night. But if I had a night off, it was because I was like so exhausted. I was sleeping at seven o'clock. So I didn't have evenings and do like, I don't even know what people do at night. But now I kind of do. So wait, but you said before we started rolling that you got really depressed.

Oh my God, it was so bad. So what happened? It fucking sucked because I was doing a podcast every day with Comedy Central because I'm not getting on stage every night like I had been. I just didn't have any way to express my feelings. I'm living with my parents. I set up a fucking karaoke machine in their house because I needed to sing my feeling, I needed to perform.

Karaoke is like a group thing. It's so fun. You do it by yourself. That's sad. I would do it by myself. It's real sad. Yeah, you're just singing to a mirror. Yeah, it's not as sad as your parents walking around, sighing deep, sighing

loudly enough to be like, you can't keep doing this with their coffee in the morning. I'd wake up and sing Taylor Swift songs that would be my feelings for the day or like whatever I need to make you feel good, though. Yeah, just like Taylor Swift really helps me get my feelings out. I have a hard time accessing them and then they turn into depression and I have thoughts of killing myself. What's your favorite song? I mean, I have one for like every mood, but like right and like delicate and all

too well and cruel. But then they turn into suicidal thoughts. No, so that's what happens if I don't get my feelings out, like on stage or just in gent, like cry. Yes, performing is fucking so important. Yeah, didn't you realize? If you're conditioned to it like we are, that's what I learned during that. It was like, you know, the first few weeks, I was like, this feels like a nice

vacation. I got a couple of weeks off and I had a special coming out. I was like, it's perfect. Oh, God, it's so great. Special comes out. I get a little break. I need a break. And then, you know, it turned into a month and I started to get itchy.

And then by the second month, I was like, uh, and then, then, you know, we're picking up on each other's mood swings and like, yeah, God, you know, you really need that performance because you're fucking not the same without it. Even if you're not talking about the things you're upset about, you're getting some anger out in those other things. Yes, you are. Like when my ex-boyfriend, we used to have makeup sex after we would fight and he would like have rough sex.

But I'd be like, that was that hit felt a little harder than it needed. You know what I'm saying? I mean, that's a really abusive, scary way of describing what you were talking about. But like getting your anger where you go, you didn't need to hug me that hard. Like that wasn't kinky. That was like, because you're still mad about the fight we just got in. But like you can take it out in other ways. So I got super fucking depressed.

It all went inward. And I like, I have the thing where I just get a lot of people did. And that's why I like to talk about it. People have heard me talk about it on so many things. But if this gets to one person that didn't hear like, I used to have like just there are times where I would be depressed and I go, I just want to think about killing myself. And I'd like just like fantasize about it and be like, and I'd go like lay in my bed and just be like, oh my God, just like it's an out that I'm not going to do.

But like it would be like a lullaby to me to go to sleep. This was different. It was like it wouldn't these thoughts wouldn't stop coming in. Like I wouldn't even conjure them and be like sit in them. I'd be like, what the hell? I'd be like, kill yourself or it'd be like an image of a gun in my mouth or up to my head. And I just like couldn't stop them. And then I just felt I was, you know, co-hosted Jimmy Kimmel live.

And the next week I was sobbing like, no, I'm a fraud. I don't want to even want to go back to stand up. I hate myself. I'm ugly. No one's going to just the just the worst thoughts. And I wanted to check my voice mail. I mean, I probably talked to you during this time, I think. Yeah, no, I I screamed it. It was kind of a lot.

Yeah. I mean, no, no, obviously to my friends. No, we didn't. I didn't know you were that sad to be honest with Gary Goldman because I was like, I need someone who's been there, like, who's checked themselves into a place for depression because I'm about to do that. Because my parents don't understand how sad I am. And that was the way it was in high school, too. You know, I like was so depressed and should have been hospitalized. But I got to the point that was so scary that the state hospitalized me.

So that was I just showed up. I didn't go to the hospital because I just walked in. My mom and dad were frustrated with me being so sad. And I went on a walk and I just sobbed and I went inside and I was like, Mom, I'm going to go to a hospital. I have the money for it. Like, I'm going to go somewhere. And she was like, Nick, you don't.

And she was like, come here. And then she just hugged me and then I was fine. I just needed someone to go like like to just be like, it's OK. Nick, like treat me like a baby and like kind of baby me and not be like, no, you put you just came to me. Come on, you're a theater tour. You have all these followers and fans and you're beautiful. And you like, I know, but I just couldn't understand it.

And so I just got I eventually got a meds. And now I'm fucking fine. Oh, good. So that definitely helped. But you had this in high school, you said. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. I've always been like, really bad. It's bad. Really? Yeah, it's good. I mean, you know, the dog didn't fart. No. Oh, yeah. You want to blame me?

I would never fart during a suicide story. I wouldn't. I'm not crazy. I'm not like wild. I mean, no, I think it's actually to make you feel as bad as it is good, though, when you when you like share that, because it does make people go like, oh, cool, like I'm not the only one that has had these thoughts. That's a big deal. It's a big deal, especially in this last year. Don't think it's going to go away.

And I swear to God, there are ways that make it go away. And when you and when you get in it, the scary part is when you're like, I'm right and I don't want to fix this because if I do fix it, I'm just going to be dumb to the fact of I know the truth right now. I'm starting to feel like I know the truth about life and it's fucking pointless. And I should I'm going to have to kill myself someday. I don't know how, but I'm going to. And it's just fucking sad when you arrive at that decision and you're like,

I don't want to get on meds because I'm just going to be one of the sheep that just doesn't see it for what it is. And it's like I had to shut that voice off and be like, no, get get on meds. I mean, I want to I wrote a tweet about wanting to shave my head, but not having an excuse to do it. So I wanted to find a friend that was going through chemo so I could be like, it's in solidarity, but it's really because I'm losing my mind. So it was like a joke, but also real.

And Joe Rogan reached out to me to text me and goes, hey, buddy, I saw your text like, are you or your tweet? Are you OK? I go, honestly, no. You're the only one who read that is like a cry for help, which it was. People are like, do it, shave your head. You look great. And I'm like, no, I want someone to ask me to be like so often on Twitter and Instagram, people do cries for help.

And you go, oh, God, it's because they have no one in their life who cares. And maybe it would be nice to be like, hey, are you OK? Like what do you have it like you have something in place for yourself now that you know that that is a reality for you to, you know, if something like this pops up again, do you have anything that you? Well, I know I won't kill myself because I've lost like my my best friend has lost a couple of people to suicide. And I couldn't do that to her again, like seeing what she's been through.

And I couldn't do it to my family, seeing what people. So I have it like an agreement with myself that you can't ever do it. So yeah, I would go to a hospital. I've no talking about it, honestly, actually makes me feel better because now I know if I did go to hospital, I'd probably talk about that, too. There's nothing that I would do that I wouldn't. Maria Bamford checked into a place and is very open about it.

And that doesn't make me go. I don't want to work with her. I'm always scared that people are like, Niki's a liability, she might kill herself. We shouldn't give her this development deal. And it's like, no, no, I'm smart enough now. I know what to do for it. You just have to talk about it.

Yeah, you just have to tell people and be like, I want to, you know, I'm thinking about jumping in front of a train. I'm not going to do it because that's the thing. It's like I wasn't going to do it, but it was just so soothing to think about and it's fucked. It's not it's torture. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry you went through all that,

but I'm glad you're medicated and like, I mean, don't we all go through like these? Yeah, of course. Like, Andrew, we were talking about his anxiety day on the podcast. Used to be a mess. Yeah, your life was really torture with your anxiety. Right. I mean, yeah, I mean, I didn't know what the hell was wrong with me.

That was the thing I think us growing up, like we didn't know Anxiety is like all like new. It's all new. Depression is new. Yeah. And it's almost to the point where like you say it, you almost feel dirty saying it because you feel like you're playing a victim or like you're trying to get liked by being sad. Yeah, it's kind of, you know, because that's how much is a trick in your head.

Yeah. But when we were kids, no one did. We didn't know what the hell that we were just like stopping a pussy. Yeah. You could throw a football like you're, you know, there's people in Iraq, I remember here. Yeah, yeah. Like you're not in Iraq. It's like, OK, yeah, I can't complain. And then, yeah, I finally realized I mean, she helped a lot. She went to therapy when I met her.

I was still drinking and then I, you know, quit drinking. You did. Yeah, I went. I haven't drank for like almost three years. Oh, wow. And to get through a pandemic without drinking is massive. Do you smoke weed or anything? A little bit. I smoke a lot. I think anti-depressants, which help a lot. I don't drink, but I smoke a lot of weed and I want to quit too.

But I think the big thing for him was I didn't. I had not known of his anxiety of like having panic attacks about like. I had a panic attack. I drove myself to the hospital thinking I was choking to death. Oh, wow. That's how. And like I drove a car while choking. Like my gosh, like 20 minutes. But I wasn't a fiber from his grandma's.

He was laying on his grandma's carpet and he thought if he inhaled a fiber. And so I drove and I drove in. I was like, yeah, I'm choking. They're like, they're looking at me like you walked in like you drove here and you're choking to death. And I was like, yeah, it's bad. It's bad. Yeah. And they're like, you there's symptoms like turning blue. Choking. It's pretty number one.

And I still made him take an X-ray and I still like didn't really believe it. Like that's how fucked up my brain was at the time. And eight. Yeah, I was afraid of AIDS. Got an AIDS test when I was a virgin because I fingered a girl and I bit my nails. Yeah, that's a true story. Yeah. Do I know her? I'm sure I do. That was on a cruise.

OK. Yeah. That was your first fingering, huh? Yeah, it's not. It was I think the smell got to me. Really? Because it because I was outside and it was open air and it still it smelled like maybe it was the ocean. You thought it was the ocean was angry that day that I fingered a girl on a cruise on the top level.

Yeah. And then the cleaning crew came out because they come out at night, you know? They came out and I was like, oh, were they watching the video? They're like, this is a mess. We got to get. Yeah, let's help you, man. This is we're Filipino. Well, I would always hook up on a cruise and come back. Yeah. And everyone would be like, oh, you got you fingered a girl on a crew because I never would finger a girl in real life.

Yeah, he was like weird. Like he was a virgin throughout. I had like, but you weren't like hooking up with girls. I always thought you were like because you went through a phase where you were a millionaire for a while. Well, a couple hundred thousands. OK, but you wouldn't you were like live in large. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you were. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, is that Miami days? Yes, Lord. I mean, Rusty. I had a business partner named Rusty. Would you buy like a fucking boat? If a few things, a lot of bottle service. Bottle service. Yeah. A lot of it. Yeah.

Just wanted to get rid of it as fast as possible. No, I thought another million was coming in. It was never going to stop. Yeah. And then it stopped. And then I was in there. Yeah. And then I lost my house that I bought for two twenty and then it was worth 60 like six months later. You buy it like an eight. Yeah.

OK. Yeah. I was in real estate. Yeah, it was a good deal. I bought it in Vera. Did any. No, did that depress the shit out of you? Like as this was. I was depressed for a year. I didn't like leave my bed. I was just like blinds closed. Wow.

Watching YouTube like, you know, and I think I got the most depressed when I was working the graveyard shift. Yeah, dude. In post. It would have been like around the time we did new faces. And like, I mean, I thought the graveyard shifts. If those work because my work hours were seven to seven overnight, seven in the seven a.m.

And like, you know, you're just you're not supposed to be awake at that time. You're not supposed to be working. Physiologically, it'll depress you. Oh my god. I gained like 50 pounds. I was like, where were you working? Where were you working in a post house here in LA? A post post production. OK. And then like, you know, it still

do stand up and and, you know, pursue that. But then it felt like, oh, this is like slipping. I'm I'm falling into this trap of this weird world that I don't want to do. Like I don't want to work in post. I just want to do stand up. And then, you know, like I said, you know, seven to seven. I mean, you don't have a life because then you get home at seven a.m.

or whatever, eight or nine a.m. You actually have to wind down. You think you'd collapse. You need to wind down. So you're going to bed at 11 a.m. And then I would sleep and then I'd have like an hour to go back to work. It was the worst. Bro, whoever works the night shift. I did it for my brother.

He hired me. It was like and I ended up. It's a long story, but I was working in like operations. Like I don't even I moved to New York to be a screenwriter. Next thing I know, I have a hard hat on in the middle of Dayton, Ohio, working for my brother in a factory, trying to make it run more efficient. I don't even know. It's a long story of how I got there. But I thought I was just running part of the factory.

And the next thing I know, they're like, hey, run the whole factory at night. I'm like, what? Like what? And I started losing my mind. And I just left. I went back to Vera. And that's when I like, I mean, that hurt our relationship. Because I'm sure I just thought, I mean, the right thing for your own sanity. For sure. I mean, yeah, I wouldn't be here, I guess. Yeah. No, I'm not bringing on fucking factory workers from the A man.

You work in a factory. You want to come to the podcast? You should. They're probably pretty cool. Yeah, sure. A lot of Mountain Dew. Yeah. Yeah. Have you guys ever written like poetry or anything? Oh, God, like in my life. Like I was trying. I'm trying to like write songs now. Like are you really? Yeah.

Just like because I just I have feelings going on that I'm like, I don't want to process this with like jokes. Like I'm like, I want to like I want to like try to like because being on stage and joking about something. Yeah, we can be really honest. But at the end, there's always a punch line that makes it like I'm not sincere. Yes. Yes. And I've never and I love sincere art. And I've never tried to make it and be like, why don't you do slam poetry?

Oh, that is so embarrassing. Do you ever do sincerity in them? Like in your act, not have a punch line and then go to a joke? Yes. You're getting the sincere thing out. I do that sometimes. Yeah, you can do that. It's still and I will do that. But I just want to try to write a song like a real like not a funny song,

but like I'm learning it up like a charm learning thing. And I'm like, oh, it starts with writing a poem to get a lyrics and it's just too humiliating. And it's so embarrassing. Andrew used to write like I had a poem stint. You did? Yeah, in college. I got caught by my fraternity brothers writing. It was or they found the book.

It was the saddest day of my life. Well, first of all, I had mono in the fraternity house. So I was I was I was listening to a lot. Dude, I was listening to Chris Gaines, the saddest. And I know you're into them. Yeah, big fan, big fan. Yes. So Chris Gaines is Garth Brooks, author. Oh, we know who Chris Gaines is.

You think we don't know? I mean, we open the podcast. His album is so depressing. And I would listen to that in the dark with mono while writing poetry stuff. Yeah, that's him. So this is Garth's dark side. I didn't realize Chris Gaines was depressing, which is we need to look. Oh, yeah. Listen to this to find clues.

Well, you know, I mean, that's so bad. The report was that after this came out and it didn't crush like it kind of everybody mocked a lot of people mocked it, that he like scrubbed like he has the reach to like scrub the internet of so much. Do you have a copy? Is it a CD? I mean, I have the lyrics memorized. Yeah, they're my head. Say it. Just let us know.

This is what you read. This is what you connect with. Garth's alter ego. This is how sad I was. Garth had to invent a fake person to get his real feelings out. That's how much it's so embarrassing to actually do this. That is true. Yeah, we all need a Chris Gaines. Give us like a Christmas of my poem.

So I know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My poems I had to do. Yeah, what's the song you like the best? Let's start trying to think. I got to hear it, man. Maybe they have it back there. I can't remember to leave. But so yeah, tell me how you're your fraternity mates.

Like so they think I don't they were looking through my room. I don't know what for. And they found my journal kind of thing. Oh, my God. And the poem I remember they found was called She Hits the Bottle. And it was about my mom being an alcoholic. What? And it was like she hits the bottle. She goes full throttle. You know, I walk with a waddle.

I don't know. Something along those lines. It was very depressing. The bottle. She got. Yeah, full throttle. I just remember those two things. And it I never wrote poetry since then. Like it that way. Did they read them?

Like they were just like, like they go, oh, she hits the bottle. Does she, you know, shit like that. You know, good friends, you know. See, this is why I don't express feelings. That's what I'm saying. That's why it's too much. You also like in fairness, they were right. I was listening to Chris Gaines in the dark. Like you should have been mocked.

She hits the bottle. She goes full throttle. Can you Google the dog Chris Gaines lyrics just so we can get the lyrics? When we were in the Cayman Islands, there was one night where I left him alone. And so I went in to go. We were in the ocean swimming in the the sunset was starting

and he got left alone. And then we met back up and he goes, kind of teared up out there by myself because I was thinking about just like my mom and how she'll never just like be able to go in the ocean again and like swim. And I go, did you remember my mom? My mom has emphysema.

So she's on oxygen. So you can't swim with an oxygen tank. He goes, I get teared up and I go, oh, well that kind. Did she love going? Did she like love the ocean? And he goes, no, actually she didn't do a lot of things. Yeah, my parents never went to the beach. Hold on.

So this one sounds real sad. Drifting away with all of my heart. Oh, it don't matter to the sun is hot. It's a good one. I remember that one. I think that was just number one one. It don't matter. What was the name of that song?

It don't matter to the sun. I just, it was there. I just, you just had to go down a little bit. Yeah, there it is. There you go. Oh my God. Yeah. It don't matter to the sun if you go

or if you stay. I know the sun is gonna rise, shine down on another day. There will still be a tomorrow, even if you choose to leave. It don't matter to the sun. Oh baby, it matters to me. It's nice. Okay.

It's nice. Are his lyrics in his, like as Garth Brooks, not this vulnerable? I don't know. I don't know. I got friends in low places. In low places. That's smart.

The river. It's a little more shallow. He, we played some video of him. He announced like a stadium thing. 20 minutes, stadium gone. Sold out. 80,000 tickets immediately. What?

You guys were in hard on him. What happened to that? No, we were, you know. You backed off? No, we just, we made fun of his video that everybody did because it's so ridiculous. The Facebook video from a few years ago. Yeah.

And then we just followed up with like, you know, checking out his social, like right now, we're checking out the fact that like a month ago, it looked like he was painting on scruff and now it's white. So like he stopped painting scruff on. It's very strange. Like, what do you mean?

Like painting the beard on? I'm glad that you asked. If you look over at this monitor over here, the one straight in front of you. So this is him like a month ago. I think she said it best. Three months ago. Love him one another, man, that's,

but you see it's, it's scruff, but it's really short, right? It's not a beard and it's dark. It's dark and it's dark from the growth. He looks good. Yeah. Happy, healthy. That's the end of January.

He looks like Tom. And then this is now. On inside Studio G, nothing is fun that goes on and on. So it's still super short, but it's all white now. So did he fire the beard dire or, you know what I mean? Wait, go back, go back, go back. Go back.

Wait, to the other one. To the other one? Yeah. Okay, hold on. Wait, that is. This is kind of how. No, that's weird. Right?

Do you think that's Chris Gaines? Did he go through something traumatic? Maybe that's too. Maybe he made his beard white overnight. I don't know, I mean, it's so recent. That's super recent. He's definitely dying that scruff. That's so weird.

That's so strange. And that's very hard to dye that little hair without dyeing your skin. I mean, exactly. And like maybe, you know, he's fucking Garth Brooks. He has like fucking $800 million. Maybe he brings in like, are you the beard, dye specialist to the stars or whatever?

Sure. And then, you know. Maybe he had a little gray and he wanted it to be even. That is wild. You gotta see this swipe up. It's super short hair. He's aged so much. He's aged 40 years.

Like he looks like an old man. And he looks like a young guy. Swipe up. His eyes are like, they're like the bears at Disney World. You know? He's like, no, no, no, no. I always imagine like his team, you know, and they're like, just make a video.

And he's like, the fuck's a swipe up? And they're like, well, that's where we put it in this thing. And we'll do it. You just say the words. Boomer got the vax. I mean, he never seems connected. Never. Well, that's the big thing.

That's the issue. So Chris Gaines maybe was his attempt at connection with himself. And he got laughed at so much, it was like with me when she hits the bottle. Same storyline. Take it full throttle. Take it full throttle.

I can't anymore. What do you mean he never seems connected? Like, do you- Watch some, can you play a video for her so she can see? But why do people like someone that's, that never seems connected? Why is he so famous? Well, you know, the funny thing is his big thing

is like sincerity and like, so he's most of his stuff, he's just like, hey guys, you know, so excited to be coming to Utah. And people eat it up. And they love it. And they're like, he's just a good guy. He's just a regular old guy. Yeah, that regular old guy for a presentation,

that's so money. Regular old guy that has a G550, that flies around the world. Just a regular guy, man. It's wood panels in there. Yeah. Exactly. It's a regular guy.

What's he really liked? Are there stories? That's what we want to know. Are there stories? There's a lot of stories. There's a lot of stories. Okay. What's the general theme?

What do we think? Well, he left his wife for a singer. Well, yeah, they split a long time ago. He's been with the same lady. But see, he does this thing now that we always talk about, which is he and his current wife, Trisha, who are also a performer. They do the-

Trisha Yearwood? Trisha Yearwood, yeah. But they do the, you know, the couples that their posts are all like, she's just so amazing. I love her so- He's the best in the world. But you're promoting your social, your love.

It's a strange thing. It's weird. Yeah. That's fake. But then during the pandemic- Suspicious. She didn't interview her. She was like, this marriage is not easy.

Okay. So she- A little peek into it. A little peek, but social media remains like, hi. What do you think happens when they shut it off? That's what I'm wondering. And that's, I hate that fake shit

when you're in a fight with the person you're with and then you go to dinner with some friends and they just like are so, they act so happy and are like that ability to just turn it on for other people. Cause I'm like, then why don't you turn it on for me? Fake it for me and be nice to me. I used to, you know, you're capable of it.

Yeah. Here's the thing though. He didn't tour for years to be with his kids. You're right. I mean that is- He's a good, I think he's a good dad. Yeah. I think he's a good guy.

He's just- I think also, I've always thought this- That's cool. That it is like, we all have like a certain level of like a fame, if you want, you know what I mean? And it's almost, it is unimaginable to be somebody that, like you don't know what it's like. You know what I mean?

Yep. Like you have a taste of it, but you go like, I mean this guy can't walk into like, you know, a fucking hundred cities and do a restaurant or anything. There's no way. We can't walk into them. It's different. I also think it's the pressure to be a country singer.

That is a different lane than everybody else. In that world, you have to be seen as nice first. And that's what everybody has to hire. God loving. Nice, yeah. Dolly Parton, Dolly's the nicest. She lets people sleep in her backyard.

Can you believe that? Because if you're seen as like a rich snob. Yeah, that turns off the whole family. Forget it, you lose your business. That is- Did you see the Dolly documentary? Of course, I love her. Love.

And I believe she is that nice though. I do too. I believe she's cool like that. I do. But this one has a dark side. He's not showing that. That's when you find out that people, I've been hearing just becoming privy

to talking to more production people that've worked in it and always asking like, who's the worst? I love asking. People are, there are some fucking terrible people out there that are just, we all know that the Ellen thing would like blew the lid off of how someone could present one way and maybe perhaps be another way.

But that's happening everywhere. People beloved people that we don't even know yet. But do you feel like for the most part in comedy, like the comics that you go like, man, I admire her, I really like this. For the most part, they are pretty cool. They are, right? People have always asked me they're like,

what about this? And I'm like, honestly, like the great comics, they're pretty great. Most of the time, most of the time. There's some that you go, you know the ones that get kind of busted for being slime balls either sexually or like in pretty much sexually,

you always go, they're actually not that nice to like anyone. You know, like, they'll be nice to other comedians, like celebrities, but if you meet them when you're just coming up, there's been a couple of people I've met coming up or heard stories about that treated people really terribly as comics. Right, this time I wanna have this conversation off air.

Please write this down. Go ahead. Yeah, you know where you're just like, oh, it checks out, you're just an asshole. And like, you're cool to other comics and like the back table at the cellar if you share a table with that person, they're gonna be lovely.

But I've heard stories in the past of people being so awful. And I just go, okay, there's some people I know that are terrible and then I get famous because I had happened to meet the other night. This girl who fucking would never make eye contact with me when we'd be in the same social circle. So many times have been in a like circle smoking meeting. I know who this is.

And wouldn't even look at me. I know who this is. Like it was so uncomfortable to be around because it was just, and then the other night, hey, Nikki, oh my gosh, so good to see you. Oh, you know what, be yourself up there, like just giving me advice in a way that I'm like, you've never watched my stand up.

I wanna see who you think it is. Yeah, how are we gonna air if you. And then, and it was funny because my friend goes, she goes, so and so is coming. And I go, you know what? I don't like that person. She's not been very nice to me. And she goes, oh my God, she's so nice to me.

I really don't like her. And I go, yeah, I think she's a climber and only nice to famous people. And she goes, that's so weird. I'm not famous and she's been nice to me. Hold on, I'm gonna finish this before I get. I can't wait for the reveal. She's been a cut to me for years.

And I've worked on the same like shows and I've been like, but you know who I am. I can't like, dude, I'm, but it was lovely because we, so my friend was with me, this friend that was like, I'm excited to see her. So she's so nice to me because now I'm a little bit more famous. She knows who I am and giving me all the attention.

We're in a conversation with four other people. She's not even looking at them. I'm just like witnessing this like she's so rude. Then life on the way out, I go, did you talk to her? And she goes, she didn't look at me. She didn't recognize me because my friend wasn't with the person that was, she was, my friend was writing for someone that she respected.

So then she or was deferential to. So she was nice to my friend. The other night she didn't even look at her and she thought she was friends. And I was like, yeah, this person's a phony. Let's see who you think it is. Okay. Other side.

No, but same, same exact. Dude, I have another story for this. I have a story for this one. Red carpet, golden globes, so nervous. Don't want to be there. I'm invited by Schumer who got me an invite. I'm alone. I'm so nervous.

I'm by myself. I'm waiting on the carpet. She's right behind me. And I know her, obviously, like you are. I know, over the years. And she's there and she's with someone and like, I'm just alone waiting for a publicist to acknowledge me and let me walk this thing.

I feel, it's, I'm drenched in sweat. I'm disgusting. And I'm looking at her because it's the, she's about to look at me. We're about to make eyes. You know when you looked at someone when you know they're about to look at you? And so you go like, hi, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She catches eyes with me and she goes, oh my God, how long have you been staring at me? Oh. In front of all these famous people that are next to us. And I go, oh, I was just trying to get your attention because I knew we were gonna, I go. And I go, um, she's.

I'm such a fucking. And then I said, Hold on, hold on, we're gonna stop. Yeah, yeah. Sorry for, I'm sorry. Oh, yes. I'm sorry. I'm afraid the dog has to shit.

All right. The dog went to shit. Now we're back. Cause I was convinced she was farting a lot. And that's how I know Betsy has to shit. I wanted to show something to Nikki because you're saying, you know, you embrace being vulnerable.

So you, have you had it where you're, no, no. She's like, what are you sending me out of? No, no, it's not, nothing horrible. It's just this. So as somebody that you've been on, you've been on dating apps and obviously, you know, sometimes you click with someone and then you guys send each other text messages.

Has, have they ever decided to send you a video message instead of a text? No. So this is a thing that we have, we have found and, and we embrace because it's odd. It's an odd choice. Because I want to see them move and I want to see them talk. Okay.

Nice things to know in the beginning. Oh boy. I think it's not a bad idea if you're into the person. Okay, so imagine you've just, you've just like swiped and you're like, oh, this guy's interesting. Maybe you were like, what are you doing Friday? And then this is what you get in response, right? Hey, Natalia.

It's Elliot. So I finally get my video CEO up and running. I couldn't help myself. I wanted to shoot this video to invite you to Curio this Wednesday at seven PM. We could do six or eight depending on the schedule, but my schedule is pretty tight. When I'm not bartending, I'm shooting videos like this,

Outreach and Dennis, get on the phone, selling them, taking care of their ads, all that stuff. So look, man, Curio, awesome spot in German Village. You've obviously heard of it before. It is literally the best hidden kept gem in the city. I mean, you got to go just for your own self-education of what's awesome in Columbus. You know what I'm saying?

I hate him so much. Self-exploration of what's awesome in Columbus. We're all on that journey, aren't we? Yeah. For your own self-exploration of what's awesome in Columbus, what the hell? That's a green screen. Yes.

Clearly. Does he think Natasha knows that? Uh, he was really like, we ended up having on. We had him on the show. We had him on the show. Who is this? Really? His name is Elliot.

What happened? Well, he actually was, it was super endearing. He was like, you know, I was just trying and I just was too eager and I never learned how to, you know, like communicate with like, you know, date women. Didn't have someone show me the way. It was, well, no, no, no, but like, it's part like. Well, there's videos that you could watch.

The original is this, this is the original. What's going on? It's Charles from Match. Just wanted to do a video instead of a text or a phone call. I've been here, I don't know, since 7.30, doing some cool little video that, editing, I should say, editing some video that's going to be going up on YouTube.

Neat. What does he do? What does that guy do? He does real estate. Real estate. I really like it, not going to lie. He's got this really cool view. This is the first message.

There we go. Yes. There we go. Oh, there we go. And that's fun. Anyway, we haven't talked. Did you talk to this guy? Saturday.

That's on his office, is it? Tonight, I'm looking at Lily's in Union Square. Oh, say run, eat a clock, eat a tea, and I'm going to be in a fantastic mood then because I have so much to do. I'm busy. I'm busy. Posted notes and everything else.

I'm going to be in a fantastic mood because I have a lot of posted notes. I know, I know. Who's ever in a good mood because they have lots to do. I hate working. He literally read that women like a man who has lots to do. So find a way to communicate that.

Is that what happened? What did you learn from him? This has been coached. A lot of it is for match. Yeah, a lot of it is also like, they pick a place so they think that's like, 90% of it's like, I picked Lily's, I picked Cheerios. Cheerios.

Or whatever the hell the name of the place in Ohio was. I had a prediction the first time I saw this and he ended up confirming for me that it was correct, which was that he had just gotten a new office. And it was like, it's like when you get a new car and you're like, I just got this point. You want to see it?

This guy would do this. He got you to the new office and he made the choice through the video and he's like, this feels like something to show. Like look at my view now. He's proud of himself. He's got a lot going on. And Cheerios is a successful realtor in Boston.

New York. New York. That bugs me though, when someone gets too excited about something that they like, like Andrew, I really get mad at him sometimes when- I enjoy life. That he wants to like, I got new pants

and I want to show people. I'm just like, ew, just like your pants. Why do you have to get likes for your like hot outfit? Like it's just annoying, but it's all my shit because I wish I could get excited about my hot outfit, but I feel too like that girl that we just talked about is gonna talk shit about me so I don't post it. I'm with you on this,

because I'll get mad at the same thing, but I realize it's because I don't have whatever, the security and the confidence to be like, here's my new pants. That's what it's about. By the way, I like your hoodie. Oh, thanks. It's Lululemon.

It looks really good. They give me free shit now. Say it right now. I probably can't- Oh, the thing is, the other night I was on Fallon and I mentioned his name and I knew he would put up a clip of Fallon before I did in terms of like, I was on Fallon, like his name got said.

No, you didn't even say my name. You described a 41-year-old man that moved in with you and I thought his closest I'll get to doing late night. I don't care. I'll lean into these things. I don't take anything serious. It's really cute. I love your enthusiasm for-

But I'm good. I'm good at comedy. Because he checks in with me and he's like, are you letting this sink in that all these people are here for you? He gets excited in a way that I just don't anymore and don't let myself. So it's nice.

This is what you do to me. All the time. I get this speech every day. About getting excited about something. And she'll be like, yeah. She's like, why don't you, you know, why don't you excite like, like there's all these people coming to see you

or you got a special or anything. She's like, you know, show your excitement. Well, let's back it up. Tom, you sold out the will turn. Dude, that's amazing. Go ahead. That's your excitement level. So what's your-

Tom, hold on. Tom, I'm pregnant. What do you think about that? Hold on, hold on. Tom, you pissed off a bunch of people on Twitter. Ah! That feels good. That's the difference.

That's so funny. He doesn't- What is that? I don't know. I don't know what it is. I don't know why that is, but it is true. It is true that- So why do you work so hard?

What do you mean? Why do you want to sell out the will turn? Why do you want to- I mean, I enjoy doing stand up. I love doing it. It's like my, it's my favorite thing that I do. Do you feel good when you get off stage? She'll get off stage and talk about her love life

and not even care about- I can separate it. I can go like- I can do it. Be like right away. Why is he not texting me? Okay, hold on. Just be right back.

And then do- I can walk off and be like, and then I'm just not in your ring room. And Andrew's like, what you just got to see, whatever it was. And I just, it's something I don't enjoy it. It's gone away a lot. Like this was like the first year I was opening for it.

Like, I'm not trying to be like, oh, I'm cool now, but it has died down. I could see after 15 years, why it wouldn't be as great. Do you feel when you sell out the will turn? Like, I sell it though. Like, because to me, when I do these things, I'm like, I always like hosting the MTV thing. Like, they just changed it for me to get me in.

I didn't really earn it. Like, it's different now. It's not the same. Like, do you feel like you, do you feel like a fraud ever? Yes, for sure. Okay. Yeah.

I think imposter syndrome is totally real and it definitely creeps in. I have a thing too where, I mean, I think it's probably pretty natural you go like, you know, a few years ago I did the will turn, and then I did two, and now I'm doing four, but someone else is doing eight. That'd be better if you did eight.

Now there's that. There's that. You're not doing, yeah. You know what I mean? You're doing well, but you're not doing as well as. And you want to triplet. You can always do better. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You definitely want to triplet. That's always what it is when you're- That's like a disease. Yes. Yeah. Because when you, sometimes, there are people that do reach the top and set all the records, and then, then what?

Yeah, because I've heard them, all those people go like, there's nothing up there. Like, you'll think that's the mountaintop, and they're like- Well, Joe Rogan sold 18,000 seats in an hour. I mean, is he any happier because of that? I mean, he's pretty fucking, he's always been pretty fucking happy.

Well, that's what I'm- Yeah, I mean- He was happy with or without that, I'd imagine. But I think for you, Tommy, I just wonder, do you ever acknowledge the achievement of, like, do you enjoy the achievement? That's all I want for you. Do you enjoy the achievement?

Yeah, I get, I get, I mean, the first time I- You're better at embracing and enjoying your- Because you know the grind. Because you're the feminine energy. I'm the feminine energy. She's the alpha. Well, you know the grind, especially as a female comedian,

the odds are against you for so many years, and you grind out these horrible weeks, and you fight, and you fight, and you fight- You grind on so many comics to get to- Yeah, to get- To die, get fingered so hard. And then finally, you know, people are there to see you. That was always my goal.

Just be here to see, just, I don't have to convince you to fucking be here. Yes. So that to get there has always been a joy and an honor, you know? But I don't know, maybe Tom is just dead inside. I just think that I- Did you get things earlier than she did?

Yeah. Because now that I think about it, Nikki, you got last comic standing pretty quick. Kind of. Yeah, I had some successes early on, and we're like, oh my God, that's amazing. I had no success for eight years before, so maybe that's- So I learned that success doesn't mean things

are just gonna be great from now on. So now when it happens, I just go, and especially now that- But if you know that early on- Like I'm getting to the point where, you know, like you get like to the point of like famous, like where you're getting recognized and stuff like that. It's like, I, wait, what was I gonna say about this?

I don't really, oh God, I had a really good point to make about it, but now I forgot because I've smoked too much pot. Did it happen gradually? Did you get it faster? No, you knew success didn't feel- Oh yeah, like, oh no, now, if I get really famous, there's no, they don't let anyone be famous for too long.

You will fall out of favor. There's no one who just stays, and you can go Tom Hanks. Even he's had years where people are like, what was he doing? But not so much, he's an anomaly. Anyone that becomes famous and reaches the epitome of fame will get taken down, and then you can have a comeback. I don't even want, I don't want Christmas to come yet.

I don't wanna have my year. I wanna keep going up because once you reach that point, then you have to go back down. There's just no not going back down. And that's the benefit of dying young. I see it too as like, I've always, even like early on, I would look at the, what's the progression?

I always looked at like progress. So I'd go like, my material's better this year than it was last year. I made a little more money. Like, you know what I mean? When you're like featuring and like, and then you did the same thing for headlining. And now, I feel like it's basically the same,

I look at it the same way. So like, I'm more successful, and I sell more tickets and I have things going on. And that feels good. I do enjoy it. But I also go like, am I progressing? Am I getting better? Am I, you know-

Focus on the work. I think that's what Tom does. Yeah, I don't go, I mean like, I'm very happy to be in the place that I'm in, in my career and in my life. That feels good. But I also just go like, I don't just go like, oh, that's, I'm here, that's good.

Yeah, because it's- Well, that's not human nature. Human nature's to always strive and evolve and go and go and reach the moon. Comfort, we don't like comfort. That's why we do stand up. That's why we do stand up. We wanna be uncomfortable.

You can enjoy the ride. And I think what I've learned on this journey is to enjoy the ride. Cause remember just yesterday, you and I were just baby feature acts. Remember we were doing the Kevin Smith pilot. I was just talking about that this morning. How many years ago?

I got wasted the night before cause I was so scared of the pressure and I lost my voice. I couldn't even talk on my audition. I mean, this was what, 2012 or 11? 2010, I think. I don't know, 10 or 11. And it was like, everything to me.

That's the thing, it's like, these things you think are everything, like this opportunity. And then it doesn't happen. It doesn't matter. I'm so glad it didn't happen. Those are the best. Those are the best.

When you look back and you go, I wanted that, I didn't get it. And then you go, I'm so glad that I didn't get it. I'm so glad it didn't happen. But just to enjoy that time and that place in your career. Cause it didn't last forever. You did progress on to better things.

And I'm just scared of like, I just remember always thinking like, I remember when Carlos Mancia was like back in clubs and I was like, oh my God, what does that feel like to have to go? Oh, I thought that too. And the thing is, it happened to me because I went from like,

I was doing my first theater tour during COVID. And then, and literally my ex-boyfriend sent me a, like a cake as a joke being like, like see you later clubs. And I was like, I wasn't even doing, I wasn't even talking about that at all. And I was just like, I don't even need to celebrate that.

And I don't want to even see that. It's like jinxing it. And I like clubs. But I was like, I looked, I remember looking at that cake or whatever he sent. And I was just like, I'll never not be like, I can't ever be like, I'll, I'll never go back to clubs because I will

because Carlos Mancia is back. Like, there will be a time where you go. I've thought about it too. You know, I'm a huge fan of Dave Matthews in high school. I haven't bought a ticket to a show again. You would never think I would ever abandon Dave Matthews, but I have. But isn't the goal then to like,

get ourselves into the place mentally where you go. I don't need it. Yeah. Like I'm, I'm not bummed out. I love doing, you know, I'm doing clubs. And that's why, but that's why the wheel turn doesn't excite. Is this why do you keep it steady so that if you're not too excited, you're not too disappointed. My therapist says that I like to live

in a narrow emotional bandwidth. Yeah. Yeah. I'd never get too excited or too depressed. I like that. You know. Did you ever? I've never been somebody that usually, I mean, there are times when I do get excited.

Have you ever left a show and go, yeah. No, Howard Dean. Like jump up like industry to click your feet. Like there's ones that, you know, there's shows that are like rock, like where you get off and you're like, oh my God. Like, so those, yeah, you're, you know, especially if you have friends there.

And that's why I like having friends at shows. It's just fun to like have that moment with. And so there's, there's those, but I'm not like, I don't get off. It doesn't get excited. Did you see how they laughed? I can tell when I don't like to even walk. I don't like to watch comics,

especially going up before me. I'm just like focusing or talking to my friend about a guy who's not texting me. And I can tell when he gets off stage if he killed or not, just by that like energy. And I'm just like, oh, that new comic. I just killed energy is so obnoxious. I'm just like, take it somewhere else.

Sorry I killed so much, man. I just like. Sorry I killed so hard. Yeah, but it just, I don't know why your elation bothers me. No, I, because you've been doing it. It really does. It is so funny. It bothers me too.

Cause my, yes. When you see your opener, it gets super. You're just like, all right, kid. Do it again. 12,000 more times. Look, I've learned, I've learned. You learn through experience. Yeah.

After I crushed, I say they were terrible life. And then, but your hands are doing this cause you can't help how hand you're. Well, yeah, I mean, that's where the money's at. That's where that $100 is at, but I just made it. But I will say, I get excited, not so much over showbiz, over show business stuff anymore. I get stoked on like little shit now.

I get excited like learning that any just figured out how to heat up the shower. Like, or, or like little silly shit. Yeah. I got a cupcake. Yeah. What gets you like the most happy? Like when's the happiest you see Christina, Tom?

Like, your face is just lit up in a way that like. Well, first of all, she does get more excited at more things. So if, if, you know, if. Little shit. Yeah, but even like the things we're talking about, like if, you know, we have the same agent, you get the call and you're like, the shows are sold out. You're like, yeah, and I enjoy that.

I enjoy that. So you enjoy, but you do enjoy things more like, you know, you're designing the interior design and that. You're like, look at this fucking wallpaper. I just got this crazy. Right. You get excited about it. Yeah.

Look what I'm doing. Look what we're doing in the yard. Like you get excited about the things that you're doing at the house. Yeah. The shit. So I saw a bullfrog for the first time last week and I was like, I saw a fucking bullfrog, Tom.

You got to hear this video of me like feeding turtles. I was so stoked. Now I got excited at a lightning storm though. That's true. That's true. And at Thunder, I was in Florida. I was like, look, it's a rain. They're good there though.

Those storms in Florida. Off the beach. Yeah. That's cool. So I get excited about that stuff. I love a good storm too. I get to get to Florida thing. Yeah.

I love a storm coming in. You don't get that other place. No, no, no. That's what Tom said. I think it is a Florida thing. First day I got there, a big storm and then there was a heat storm. Remember the like the lightning storms?

I was like, dude, these are unbelievable. I do get excited honestly, and it sounds very cliche. I get excited about cars. I get excited about looking at cars, driving cars. I love it. That's great to have something like that. You're passionate about, that excites you. So how do you go get that excitement

like when you're buying a new car? So that'll only happen maybe a couple times a year then. But see, some people are impulsive shoppers in that way. I take my time. So I'll study cars for like six months, then pick like, I want to test drive these five, then I make it like a long, and then I finally get it.

So the whole process is fun for you. The whole process is this fun thing for me. Okay, that's really fun. That's a hobby. I mean, do you guys have hobbies? My gosh, before the world, I mean being a mom. I mean, to work and be a mom and or a dad, like there's not a lot of room for hobbies,

but I think it's. My kids are my hobbies. Totally. Listening to music. Sometimes if I can sneak away and do that. How do you do that? I sneak, I have a room and I have like an old record player and I just listen to it.

Music does it for me. Now I'll tell you one that'll be probably familiar to everybody that does stand up. I will find that sometimes I can even be on tour and it's like, on paper, sold out tour, everything's great, right? And I'm not excited and I'll be like kind of almost down and I'm like, what's going on?

And I'll realize that the only thing that gets me really excited is new jokes. So I'll be like doing the same jokes and it'll be like a month goes by and then I'm like, why am I not having fun? Because it doesn't matter if there's not something new. No risk. And then all of a sudden I'll do like one little

fucking new thing and you'll see me be like, yo, tonight was the shit. And people are like, why are you so excited? Cause I did one. You're so right. I have to have that. Like I ultimately get them like creatively the most fulfillment from being creative in something.

It's the best feeling. That joke feeling, you're right. You got a new bit that slays, you're just like. That's good to acknowledge that because I didn't know that depression. You're right that Malayne sets and you go, why these shows have been great. It's new to them.

But if it's not new to you, it's gonna force me to write more, at least write one new joke a show or just even a tag or something. Even a tag will do it. You can have a, you can have a line. Like one line that you're like, tonight was awesome. And everyone's like, why was it awesome?

Cause I said one thing. Do you ever have this where your show to you went like dog shit and everybody loved it. And they're like, that was the best dude. That was a greater show. And they buy all your merch and you're like, that was the fucking worst set of the week. Yes.

What, what is that? Because I don't, I think because it was shitty and they know that and they've spent so much money they have to convince themselves. The cognitive dissonance is too much to be like, I got pulled like one over on me. Because the truth is you were shitty, you know. Yeah, you know.

And that's, people always say that you sell more merch on a bad show because they feel bad. No. Here's what I think. They don't know. They're shaking their heads no on the bottom. The only you know. But they're okay.

They're wrong. Your standard, your standard is so different than the audience's standard. When you fly into Chicago and you do your show there and there's fucking a thousand people at it and you get off stage and you're like, that sucked. That sucked in your mind compared to 10,000 shows. For them, the last time they saw a show was like 18,

like this is the first show they're seeing and whatever. And they go, no, this was awesome. So it really is them enjoying what they're seeing. You're saying the audience is retarded. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that. I'm saying. Oh, I thought I heard you say the word.

No, you're saying Nikki's audience is. As retarded. That's right. That's what I was saying. No, okay, I get that. But there's just something about, I think. Not yours. Not mine.

Very smart. Very smart. Book audience. It is disappointing when you think like that was bad and then they, or it's kind of the same thing when they go, oh my God, I love you. You're my favorite comics are you and then three other people that you're like, I hate them.

Like they're bad. Why am I on that list? And I liked you so much before you said those other names. Oh my God, that is. How can you like us both? Tom pranks that up all. I think it's fine to like other comics and like you can be a good comic that isn't like me

because they're very good at what they do. But you don't like me for me then. You don't get it. If you're comparing me to. You get that a lot. My God, I get the comparison thing. I want to know who. Or the like.

Write it down. Write it down. Backhand. Write it down. The other one that's weird is they go like, well there's two that are. One thing is you ever have somebody after the show and they're like, that was really funny.

Like thanks to go. Yeah, they loved you. Like what do you mean? You were fucking there too. You're saying they did, but you didn't. Like no, it just seems like they really liked you. Like, yeah, but you're at the show. Why are you separating yourself from them?

And the other one they do is like, I just feel like why are you doing this? They go like, you know, that was really great. And they're like, dude, have you seen Nikki Glaser though? And you're like, yeah, but why are you bringing her up now? I hate that. Bring her up at lunch tomorrow or something. We're just doing the show right now.

I know that person is good. I know they make me feel sad every time I hear about them or see a clip of theirs on Instagram. I know, like we're all aware that John Mulaney is like. Yesterday someone, so we were talking about John Mulaney and Olivia Munn and my best friend, one of my friends goes, I love, I will honestly love him.

No, it was Kirsten. She goes, I love him like more. He was the first comic I saw that like, once I, you just see it, you just get it. And I would like, I'm obsessed. I'm just like, you've never even come close to talking about me in a similar way. And it just, it hurt my feelings

even though it wasn't personal. You're too close though, you're too close. But I, then you go, you're capable of being that enthusiastic about comedy. My mom always goes, I'm sorry. I just love her. She makes me laugh in a way. I'm sorry.

She'll say I'm sorry because she knows that I'm being offended. It's annoying, yeah. I'm sorry, Nikki. Kathy Griffin, it's just, she gets me in a way that you don't. I'm like, I get it. I don't need to hear, I'm sorry.

It acknowledges the fact that you know that you don't like me and my comedy. My parents, by the way, I mean complete, my mother just doesn't like what I, like, she's just like, you should be in porno. Because all you talk about is porno. My dad hates me too. My dad is just like, you're the only comedian

I'll watch because you're my son. I'm like, you can enjoy other comedians. And he's like, he goes, that would be like disrespectful to you. I'm like, no it wouldn't. I like your dad's point of view. That's how a parent should be. I was like, no, you can go to a show. Tell him who he can watch if you die.

I'm like, dude, they'll go on a cruise and there's a comedian and he's like, I wouldn't go though because you're a comedian. I'm like, loyal. It's so unnecessary. It's like, dude, go to the fucking comedy show. He's like, nah. Yeah, being dismissed for being just filthy,

which I get a lot, and I'm sure, Christine, I'm sure you get it too. I've just, you're raunchy and there's gonna be kids at this one and we get to keep it PG and like warning you to go, I know how to be, I've been on TV before where I'm not gonna have to talk about anal when I'm on the Today Show. I know better.

They treat you like you're a porn star, which by the way, porn stars should be allowed to be on other things too. Yeah, I know, who cares? Why is there such a divine porn? You can't go to the other side because she might just gape her asshole on. That's a good point.

Like why couldn't, like Eva Pornow Actress is a very good actress. Why couldn't she be like Bella? Sasha Gray is the only one that's done it. She's really pretty. Bella Thorn is an actress, right? And she's doing her only fans. And she's practically doing,

isn't she doing like Pornow on? Because she's showing, she's pretty neck at times. But yeah, but that's not porn. Yeah, she's not showing like, ever. She's not seeing what we wanna see, okay? Yeah. Well, she's. By the way, I didn't even get to it.

So I played, no, no, I played the video messages that you're familiar with. We have a new one. No. Yes. Finally. Wait, I wanna hear, this guy, was he sweet? He's very sweet.

He's very sweet. So this is the new one though, that I haven't watched yet. And it has a layer to it that I know is gonna make you real uncomfortable. Oh no. Here we go. What's up, Aaron? I'm gonna do something ballsy here.

Play you a song. Oh, fuck off. Like a guitar. Fuck off. Do you say, hey guys? Hey, Aaron. My voice is jacked up today too, so that was not good. But don't do it today, asshole.

You say there's so much you don't know. It was terrible. You say you need to go and find yourself. Oh. You say you'd rather be alone. Oh man. When you're high, I'll take the low. You can have a night, we'll flow.

And we'll take it slow and grow as we go. All right, Aaron, hope you like that. Oh no. I wanna die. That's why we don't do things sincere. That's why. That's why. That's why.

Because you go for it. My mom's on the bottle and they're full fucking throttle. Jack, I went full throttle. And he should have killed himself with a broken bottle. That's what he should have done. That's what he should have done. Where do you find the, who's Aaron? So Aaron sent it to you, right?

Well Aaron sent it to, yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, basically, once we highlighted that this is, I didn't even know this was a thing, it's like, you know. Oh, it's a thing. But that people are basically. I'm gonna send you if I get any of them. Oh my God. I've gotten them.

I had a boyfriend that was an acoustic guitar. Oh. Is that a video message though? But this is the first message a guy's sending. Is this, is this the case with this set tape? This is some dating app, yeah, dating app. No, he made a cassette tapes of him singing an earnest guitar song.

That's a different level of cringe. This I'm saying for today's, for a dating app, when you're like, oh, ha, ha, ha, where do you want it? Let's have dinner. You know, like just back and forth. Like I'll see you at eight. And then to be like, yeah, I'm gonna send you a fucking video.

It's bad even if it was good. But that was, he's bad, he's really bad. And even put the thing down low. Like he would think he knew what he was doing. Good shorts. He used that. A capo? Yeah, capo.

Yeah, no, that was just in his vocal range. He felt, which it even, it wasn't. And he's, those shorts are terrible. He put so much effort into this. He's clearly at his mom's house with all those like picture frames up in the back. It's not a man's decor. It's not a man, no way.

No way. And also it's like, if you, I don't know, we're performers, so we see it differently. But I feel like if I were gonna send a guitar message, I'd be like, I'm gonna make sure I fucking nailed it. Like I'm gonna impress you with my skill or I'm not doing that thing, you know? This is the thing, why does he think he sounds good?

Who in his life is telling him he's good? This is the American Idol thing. When someone goes on and they sound terrible and their mom is like, he sings like an angel. The difference is, not have someone tell them they're bad. This guy doesn't have a job. He doesn't have an office to show his view.

So he's gotta be creative at his mom's house. Here's the thing that I do that's special. Yeah, which isn't that special because I'm living on my mom's and I still suck on her nipples for some reason. Oh God. Probably. How do you not know you're bad at guitar, though?

You don't. And then you know what gets me is what got me with my ex that did this shit is the intense eye contact. The eye contact that he gives, and it's in a minute, that makes me so, I wanna fucking.

See, why does that make you uncomfortable? Have you guys ever looked at each other in the eyes? Yes, and a lot of times, if I tell her something really sincere, she's like, all right, man. I know, eye contact is too much. I don't like it either. If it has sincere feelings behind it,

like Christina, you know what really makes me. I don't like it. Yeah. Yeah, I hate it. And that guy, you're right, Christina, he was gazing it easy. Yeah, but the funny thing is, though, that she goes, that's what I want.

Connection. Yeah, but then you start, she's like, oh, okay, all right. Not like that. Not like that. You're making me really uncomfortable. Close your eyes and tell me you love me. Yeah, yeah.

It's like, yeah, you want what you really don't, what you're scared to receive. And then you get it. You're like, oh, wait, maybe you don't want this. Yes. But you long for it. I do. But you're too embarrassed to accept it

because it's too vulnerable, it's too sincere. It's too embarrassing. It makes me go, it makes us go, ugh. Like, that's why I love the British, because feelings are embarrassing for them. Oh, Christ, don't embarrass yourself right now. Like, I get that 100%. The Eastern blocker in me is like,

come on, don't be fucking pussy. Do you cry? Sell them. Sell, meaning that. Really? Does it? No, I know, I really, it takes a lot to cry. You cry?

Huh? You cry? I cry, I cried in the ocean that day about my mom, but I don't cry a lot. I cry at like 3 a.m. when I'm watching like an old American Idol of like a, like 17 year old girl singing something. Really?

Like acoustic. She likes children crying. It's not children crying. No, no, no, no, it's singing. Like a kid got hurt. You're like, yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's all million Instagram kids get hurt.

I don't like that actually. I like knockout. Boys and girls being like, oh, like singing about adult things. Like they'll, they'd be singing like a Lady Gaga song. You're like, isn't this four year old like that has, you know those four year olds that have too good of a voice and you're like, why does this four year old have soul?

That creeps me out. He, that's what makes him cry. I'm like, ugh, I'm just like, why do you, I believe in reincarnation sometimes with that shit. I've cried a lot lately. Whoa. Tell me, how does it go? Well, you've gone through a lot, Leah.

Oh, well, you were talking about it when I heard you in the high dude, were you lately is in this week? This week I've cried like three or four times. When does it come out? I've been with you all week. Yeah, just whenever you walk away, I cry. Yeah, it's sad.

Like when? I mean, seriously, I've been with you all fucking week. What are you crying? I cried out, driving to Brea. About what? Just, I get overwhelmed. I start thinking about any emotion and I was just like, well, tell me like, I'm really asking this

because I'm very jealous of someone that can actually get that out because I bet you felt better after you squeezed out a couple of tears. What were you thinking about? Yeah, where'd it go? I'll try to like articulate. It's a lot of it is like gratitude related.

So I'll like, I'll start saying what I feel gratitude about specifically and I'll just start crying. Yeah, that's great. But can we hear like my wife? It's like my kids, my, like she's honest to my mother. My mother's far. Yeah.

My mom. At least we do think these things are where you say it out loud. If you're by yourself. And are you bawling? Are you bawling? No, it's not bawling, but it is. It's definitely.

It's like a white. What music? Not your rap. Not your like, end of your rap. What are you, my mom? No, but into your rap. You like that? Those blacks with their pants all down.

Pull your pants up. I did say it really. You did. You said it like that. You said it like that. You said it like that. You said it like a teacher in school with your bass, but I can't see you crying to head WA or something.

No, it's not. It's not to the music though. I'm not, I mean. I'm saying to what music are you playing? Cause I think music has a lot to do with emotion. There's, I like sad music. So sometimes I'll listen to like, I like scores, you know, like, like musical scores.

My favorite scores, the club. I'll go there. I'll go there. Every season Tinty cries. I will cry with every stripper. Yeah. Have you been to a strip club in the last 10 years? Yeah.

Sparement, right? I mean, 20 years. Florida's got some good ones. Never went in that state. But I went to a strip club in Melbourne when I was 15. Oh, that, that's, that one's dirty. 15, and they thought I was a grown ass man. Like they took me into the room where they changed

and they were like, they're like, we're hanging out with like the staff and they were like, this guy wants to throw a party. Were you excited then? Was that what like? That's the thing that you were like, oh yeah. Who did you go there with, Lucian or something? I don't know, man.

It was like a, it was like guys a year older than me. Yeah. And so, but yeah, they had fake IDs. I didn't even have to, they were just like, this guy's 26 and I just walked in. Oh my God. Yeah, it was crazy. Did you have a beard at 15?

I could grow one. Oh, okay, that's hot. Yeah, yeah. Damn. Yeah, you look exactly the same from when I remember you. That's what I was saying. It's kind of weird.

People thought I was always older and now I'm growing into the age that they thought I was. It's like, it was wild. That's true for me too. Like I have a high school picture that I look like a substitute teacher that's like in her 40s. Like I gotta find it for you.

It's so disturbing. But yeah, like I've never been told you look young for your age, ever. Ever. You look great. Yeah, way too young. I love my age, I'm fine with it, but you know what they tell,

people say that to girls. You look, oh my God, you're 36. You don't look that. You know, they say that to me. Thing is, it's fine that if I do, but I've never been one of those girls that gets told that. I think I will be eventually

because I think I'm gonna stop aging right now. Yeah, of course. I think I want to. Freezing. I'm going to. Freezing. It's a choice. And you'll get that fucked up tooth fixed

in the front of your mouth. Then I'm gonna find love. It's so big. And self love. Yeah, it's just, I mean, I really wanna find this picture. Wait, scores? Like movie scores?

Yeah, I like instrumental. You know, like I like symphonies. I like, you know, the violin. I'm like, even like the stuff you play. Like you play the Geraldi stuff. And sometimes. Was that classical kind of? Yeah, like classical stuff.

Jazz. Vince Geraldi. But he's playing. I've been listening to Chet Baker lately. That's good. That's a sad man. Yeah. Did you watch it?

That's a great documentary. A lot of that Brazilian musical can make me cry. I love Brazil. Oh, but. Spanish music gets to me. But I listened to a lot of like Flamenco and yeah, Spanish stuff. I just watched Jay Balvin on the documentary.

About El Fido El Fido. In the right mood, if you start listening to any of that old school stuff from Brazil, like specifically the Portuguese, you know, the Brazilian stuff. Makes me sad too. I'll get sad, but I'll enjoy being sad. Do you understand Portuguese?

I love it. The Wallowing. Interesting, no. So it's just the sounds. It's just the sounds. But that's the way classical music is. Like Kyle Dunagin, do you know that he makes like classical music?

No, what? He makes concertos. No. He sent me one. Because I go, will you send me one? Because I'd love to hear these piano, whatever, like just like an orchestral production that he sends over. And I go, what inspired this?

Like, what do you feel? This one will make me cry. Let's hear it. Henry Mancini? Yeah. Can you play the five seconds of it, I guess? You know what I mean? I don't think I can play it.

No, they will get, is this the one? Oh, yeah. I mean, to express yourself in that way, like being able to sit down on a piano and just be like, like I started playing guitar and I fucking love the feeling of like playing a song and getting like, picking a song that's like my feelings and being like, springing it and playing it, it's so good.

It's better than stand up to get out aggression. I started playing, taking piano lessons. Do you love it? Yeah, I do. I do. What do you do? What do you play? Do you like to play songs that you know?

Yeah. Do you sing too? No, fuck no. Do you want to sing? No, I really don't. But I do like, you know, I sent the teacher, I thought she was going to be like, we're going to see major and you'll learn.

She was just like, send me what you want to play. So I sent her the score from zero, zero, zero, the Amazon Prime show. Uh-huh. And so that was the first thing that I played, which is kind of sad. You know, it's like a sad instrumental. Oh, wow.

I want to hear that. Yeah, it's really good. Cool. It's by Moguline. Are you pretty good? No. Is it, because for me, I tried to play guitar when I was younger, because that's what I wanted

to be like a pop star if I could pick anything. And I wasn't good. My dad's a much better musician, really got like, and he wasn't a good teacher. So he's hearing me and he's like, be as good as me. And I'm just like, I just started and he's just like, you're just not, you can't do it.

And I was like, I'm not good at this. I'm never going to try. And then during quarantine, I picked it up again. And I'm not as naturally inclined as stand up. You know, when we first try stand up, we're like, finally. Yeah. But you're very good for a beginner. Like you really are.

I am, because I just never believed in myself to do it. And so now that I've done it on my own, it's like, but it's, it's hard to be. You took singing lessons too. As good. Yeah, but it's, it's hard to be bad at something when you're that good at something. Like I've worked so hard to be an expert at this.

And I'm, I'm learning from 12 year olds on YouTube, literally teaching me Taylor Swift songs. Like a girl, like teaching me how to do bar chords and like a child. And to be like that, it's like, it's hard. Cause the stand up journey to getting good, like the bombs aren't, it, it, the practice is still getting attention.

But when you're practicing an instrument, you're not getting feedback of that was good. It has to be you. I think the good, the good thing about the music thing that I like, besides just liking music and trying to play it is that it is an extreme amount of focus on something that ends up being just about that. So you're not thinking about anything else

when you're doing it. You can't, right? If you're trying to learn like these, this chord and there's this series of notes and you know, you're going through it, you can't be like, oh, this thing's bothering me. Like for that time, you're so into that. I think that's good for your mind.

It's meditative because you're, you're focusing your thoughts on a thing and you're not letting it travel away. Do you guys meditate? You still do? I got away from it. I was a big proponent of it. You were great.

You did your TM twice a day. I'll go back to it when I need to. That's the way meditation is. I'm not going to judge myself for not doing it, but I should be doing it. It's a good one. Do you do it in? No, I try to get him sometimes.

What do you do to like, you know, work out? Yeah. I've been going. Oh yeah, that's a hobby. I do Pilates twice a week. Oh, that's definitely a hobby. I get addicted and then I get to a point and then I fall off and then I get good.

And that's my story in my life. That's your cycle. Well, I got hurt recently. I tried to impress my 25 year old girlfriend running. Yeah, I pulled my hamstring trying. It was max speed day and I pulled my hammy and I'm on the ground like crying. No, that's not you.

It was so embarrassing. With his young girlfriend in the class. I know, I know, I'm sorry. Isn't that hilarious? It is pretty great. Were you heavier in high school? Yeah, yeah. That was before I learned how to starve myself.

And then I was anorexic forever and now I'm just normal. But that was, yeah, I was a little heavy. I know that I remember still something you posted. I think, I don't know if I've told you this, that made you laugh. No, that was really funny. You posted like a photo and then I just happened to see in the comment that one of the comments, the guy was like,

hey, it looks like you need to eat a sandwich. And then you wrote something tells me you could skip a few. Thank you, thank you. You're so cute. Can we show this? Yeah, sure. I mean, I look like a teacher. Can you hit airdrop?

And then it's the YMH iMac. I'd love to, I'd love to share it. It's so, I don't even let guys like I like see that photo. You have to like already love me. The great, like she's all that. Like you take the glasses off. But I didn't know I looked bad. Like I didn't know, but I didn't want boys to like me.

So I didn't really care. I guess. No, I wasn't, I was scared of boys. So scared. There he is. There he is. There's Mrs. Thompson filling in for her. How old are you there?

Six, 15, 16. Like what? Yeah, but your soul is sweet. I just couldn't stop eating. Your face looks so sweet. I was so sad. Yeah, I was sweet. That was before I got really bad.

That was pre-911. I went like, I really, the 2001, 2002 was when I, it all came crashing down. It's rough. Cool glasses, Joyce, too. Yeah, you look sweet. Yeah. You're a sweet kid.

Thanks, guys. Girl, talking about. Say I love that person. I do love her. I mean, I'm like, I'm looking at her. She was very depressed that trip. Just getting into like, it is. Where were you there?

I was in Paris and I missed my friends so much. I was like, gay for my friends. I would just listen to Matchbox 20 and think about how much I love my girlfriends that I was like away from. That's super gay. I was pretty gay. I mean, I think I might be a little, I might be a little gay, but I, you know.

I think you gotta act on it finally. No, I mean, I will if I want to. I'm not, wouldn't be ashamed to, but it just, I haven't been attracted to a woman enough to like do it. How about you? What? Putting some gay vibes out. For what?

Wait, am I putting gay vibes out? Did she cheat on you with a woman? Would you care? Yeah, okay. Yeah, it's no cheating. Just wondering. Have you ever? In college, I Frenched a volleyball player.

She. Did you know that? We, no, we're still friends. She, Kelly, comes to me. She comes to my shows in town. She's just. Oh, sorry. Anyway, she, no, she, she got me.

She got me. We went drinking in San Francisco one night and then she was like, why don't you come to my dorm room? We'll just listen to music. And I was like, cool. And it was super far. Her dorm room was way up on the low mountain.

And then she was like, do you want to like cuddle or something? And I was like, okay, I sure, I mean, we're girl, yeah, okay, let's cuddle. And then she put it on me. And then I was like, I respected that. I don't think this is right for me.

You didn't feel it. I mean, she's totally a lesbian now. And she's happy. She's a good partner. And we're still friends. Let's go. I still love her, you know, but didn't, I don't think so.

Yeah. No, it's not for me. Same, I did the same thing. Volleyball player. Yeah. You get to the top of a mountain. You got a second dick. Yeah, yeah.

I blew these five guys, but they were like pretty cool. Just to see if I like it, you know. I'm very attracted to Tom now. I'm very attracted to you, you know that. That's so great still. Like, you know, like, of course still, but like he looks great,

but like after a while you just go, what was I, do I even see it anymore? Do I see, but you still like horny for him? Yes. Sweet. Right, Tom? Can I tell them? Tell.

He took it to, he took it to pound town this week. Really? Yes. Tell us. Pound, I mean. Like, how does it go down with you two? What do you mean? Shit.

Okay, well first of all, like I think he's more attractive as time has gone on. Like he's done the glow up as the kids say. Look at him. He's in the best shape of his life. Yeah, wearing colors. Wearing colors, those blue eyes, the beard. I love him.

So I have to, I have to milk him every 72 hours. That's on the schedule that we're on. Otherwise he gets cranky and he starts yelling at everybody. Do you ever go milk yourself? Do you ever go? I can't do it right now. Okay. But you just go.

Hey, listen, just go do it. Go off and do it. Oh yeah, it's easier. You have to do marital love every 72 hours at least to keep the relationship going. So I milked and we hadn't milked in a while because we'd been traveling and moving around and then I came on Sunday and then the next,

was it the next day we did it or was it Sunday? No, it was Monday. I mean, you put it on me. I was like, who you been practicing? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Because, why was it different? Well, he, I mean, he just went for a long time. And do you guys have a time of day?

A long time. At night when the kids were asleep. Yeah. Because we have too little. Did he do a new move of some sort? Oh, I mean, it was like around the world and back. It was just enthusiastic. So enthusiastic.

It was forceful. The duration, it was forceful. Let me ask you this. Was there any shit? You felt really, really desired. Number of things. Did you feel like very hot and desired? I'll tell you something.

I think that's the hottest thing. Yeah, and because I like my alpha male, you want that guy who's like, for instance, I shaved my meow bald just to see what the hubbub is. I'm usually a landing strip. Okay. And so. How do you show that restraint of not just being like,

oh, I'll just get that part. Well, I like the symmetry of a strip. When I'm naked, it's like a vertical line. It makes you look thinner. That's what I tell myself. So I said to him, I go, babe, what did you like better? When I had it bald or when I had the strip? And he goes, babe, that's like asking me

which plate I want to eat off of. They're all delicious. So that's the kind of man you want you to marry. I love it. Who's just like, I just want to lap it up and I want to fuck in. So he went down on you the other day. He does everything.

That's amazing. He does everything. He does everything. So you're super horny for her too. Of course. You're eating clean. You want to get a little dirty every once in a while. You know what I mean, boy?

That's true. All this chicken makes me want some pussy. But a hairy pussy is like a wet paper plate. Like you don't want that. There's some things you don't want to eat off of. Well, no, I always kept the undercarriage. The undercarriage, as long as that's clean, but here's the honest to God truth.

If she was like, I'm a full bush gal. Like I have to, like if that, I'd be like, oh, you know, I don't care. He doesn't see how they don't care. Yeah, that's the weird thing. They don't care. You want them to kind of care and have a, you know, not on that, but like,

I like him to like me no matter what. Like, I don't care. Do you want to know? I don't care. Are you breastfeeding? I don't care. That's what you want. 15 years we've been together.

Something like 16. I'm hanging them more. I've never ever smelled BO on her. Not once. Because you smell so bad. You can smell me too. I should be like, I smell and I'll be like, no, you don't. And I'm not like being nice.

Yeah. Cause it always smells good. Even if she smells bad to her, you're probably so into her. It smells good. But if you do the 72 hour shot clock kind of thing you got, I don't envision you putting up a clock in your living room. But doesn't that take away a little bit of the thrill?

Like, well, it's not, it's not like that. What happens is it'll be like, you know, that was Monday, right? So like today's Wednesday. Yeah, you guys are due. No, I'm sure what'll happen is, like tomorrow, I'll be like, oh, fucking God damn it. And she'll go, oh, what are we on here?

Oh yeah. I know when this guy needs to come. I can sit, wait, sometimes he saves his stock cause he's going to see his girl. And I just know what's going on. And I'm just like, you need to get, I don't want this energy around. I can't like walk out in something that might be skimpy

cause it's, even though he doesn't look at me that way, I just will feel like the, just the testosterone. You can feel the wow. Like yeah. And so I go, is your stock full? And he'll go, yeah, it's full. And I go just, I just go, go please masturbate or something. I can always tell.

Yeah. Right now. Well, every four days I come, even by myself. Cause I'm on Zoloth, so it's hard for me to come. So I got to hold my stock and that's the only way I could come at all. Right, right, right. Oh wow.

Yeah. It affects your load quantity? No, the sensitivity probably. Sensitivity. Yeah, just to get to the point of coming. Right. You have to. Yes.

That makes sense. So like if I jerk off a day before, I won't come if I'm having sex. No matter what it is. Jeez. Yeah. That's tough. Yeah.

That's tough. It's like you have to choose between being depressed and becoming like, that's tough. Yeah. It's dilemma. Yeah. You choose come. I choose come.

Well, I mean, it's gotten to the point where yeah, I usually go with come and then I have sex for a long time and I go, look, it's not you, it's you. And then everything's fine. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. No, but I just, I don't know. I just.

Sometimes I get into the. I take Viagra and I try to stay hard for way too long too. Nice. How long has that last? I've never tried that. Really? No. Doesn't need it.

Powerful erection. But I'm just saying, I've never tried it. So is it like how? This is why you sold out the Wilter with that hard guy. Yeah, that big, I can't even do a bringer. Do you ever try to see how long you can hold, like build up for how many days? I'm trying to think what's the longest I've ever gone.

I mean, a couple of weeks. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, something like that. But I'm saying like. I mean, it's hard when you're in a relationship. No, but I'm saying like, I'll be, it's like,

oh, I leave town as day three. And then also I'll be like, I could jerk off right now and I have shows in a couple of hours or I'll save this up for when I get home and I'll be like a ravenous fucking wild dog. It's like waiting to eat until you're more hungry. So you use the food. And then also when I get home, it's like been six days

and I'm like, what? Like that, you know, and then it's kind of exciting. I'm a pleasure to layer in every way of my life. Like on my parents, you still always be like, why on Christmas do you never want to open? I'd never wanted open presents until it was like, everyone else had open presents because I just needed to like earn it.

I needed to wait as long as possible. I don't like to eat before other people. It's like, and I'm like that with coming like, I have this weird thing that I've been, I talked about on Theo's pot and then people have been writing me being like that fucking worked. And I wanna hear if you'd be into this. I'm into when guys try to make me come from finger,

whatever, and they tell me do not come. And if you come, you're gonna be in big trouble and I'm gonna be so fucking disappointed in you. You fucking slut, you wanna come so bad? You're not allowed to. And then they try to make me come so bad and they go, don't do it. And then I'm like to the point where I'm like,

please let me please. And they're like, no. And then they finally, if I've earned it, get to come and then I get permission. Wow, that's intense. Should we try that babe? Love it, sure. Let's try it.

Yeah. Come for me. Okay, so yeah. We'll try it. Let's try it out. But it's the same thing of like, I wanna delay gratification. Because it's gonna feel so much better if I'm like, if I don't do it at first.

I'm like a toddler where I want stuff now. I get impatient and angry. And so if someone, maybe if Tom did that to me, I'd be like, fuck out of here, man, let's go. Like I like to enjoy it. And then it probably won't work on you, but I just really like. But that means that you really like the mental aspect.

Like that. Of just being like. Kind of controlled. It's gonna feel better because I've saved up. Like the way it is. Like I have weird stuff with food where I just wanna eat when I'm starving because it's gonna taste so much better.

I'm gonna earn it. Like you haven't eaten for so long so you can really indulge. And it's like, that's the way I'm like. That's deeply psychological. Yeah, it's like where you don't deserve things unless you've worked for it. And like I like to work for it.

But it's just also turns me on so much for someone to be like, don't fucking do that. You stupid, not stupid slut, but you greedy slut. I think I would like to be on the receiving end of that. See that's, that makes sense. Cause we have more in common in terms of like, we don't feel the things that we get

in terms of like, I maybe didn't earn this the right way. I'm a fraud. Like I need to, in order to like. You wanna be able to get things when you deserve them. Not before then, not a little too soon. I was never, someone to be like, I should be performing at the comedy cellar or whatever before I got asked.

I didn't want things, I never felt, even though I probably deserved things, I never want to be doing something too soon. Cause I don't ever feel deserving, but it's not good. You should believe in yourself and go, and now I'm in a position where I'm like, no, I could kill that. I want that, give that to me.

And then it's. But now it's like, it's ready for it. You have the comps and all. People used to be like, Nicky, cause I was, I would like hook up with comedians that could give me guest spots on their shows when I was an open mic-er, and they would offer me guest spots

and cause they liked me and I'd be like, no, I suck, all embarrassed. I was never an open mic-er who was like, I want to get on stage, will you watch my set? I was like, I'm embarrassed at how bad I am. I want you to see me and go, whoa, you're good. Same, not, not, cause you don't get a second chance to make a first impression, especially if it's balmy.

Do you want me to squeeze your dick head when you're about to come? Oh, I do that. Did you hear that? It's a smart, when you pull out, you grab the head of your cot. No, I bet, you know what, I bet he'd like Christina, he's about to come

and you like jump off him and go, no, you're not allowed to. You try it. Then you bring the dog into the bed. Draw it out. Oh, I'll make you come. Yeah. Who's that guy?

A very cool guy. Yeah. Oh, I love these guys. I really, I want to see more. Do you have anything else to show me cause I really love the stuff you've exposed me to. Really? I showed her your mom's fart the other day.

I was doing cameos and I did an impression of, good morning Julia, for a guy that had hurt me on this and it was so fun. I memorized it and I did a really, I love the cast of characters, you guys. Oh boy. Trying to think. Oh, here we go.

Did we ever do the king evolution for her? I don't think she knows who the king is. Oh my Christ. Good morning ladies, it's six o'clock in the morning. It's time to go to work. Get up and let them boobs hang. Come on, make some videos right when you get out of bed before you put that bra on.

You have a wonderful day, girl. So that's how he started. He started, he's in his truck and he wants to see your tits. That's very specific. It's very specific, but also respect the directness of it. But then things started to change where he ended up doing POV style stuff.

POV style stuff. Good morning, Queens Above 18. Oh man. Come on, open them eyes up. I got your breakfast ready. Coffee's on, breakfast is on. Come on, you gotta go to work. Oh my God.

Andrew, I feel like this is a character. I just, you are so beautiful. I feel seen. I just love my Queens Above 18. So then he started to make all these videos and he always made this specific line that he would say that Queens Above 18. Make sure that you're above 18.

Respect that. I respect that. I feel like thy doth protest too much. I do like that. He said breakfast was ready, but then. My Queens Above 18. I'm over here in Menor delivering a load. It was 430 when I woke up and started driving.

Delivered a load. That was too early to give you beautiful women a call. So it's time to wake up. It's 8 a.m. on a Friday morning. Everything looking beautiful in Menor, Ohio. And you guys have a wonderful day. So that's like his shtick is like positive. Checking in on women that may or may not see this.

Does he know he has followers or there's certain people? There are some followers and then. So happy he has this. He does. This is like his lobby. Did you find him? You get the best tiktok. She did find him.

And I met him in real life. Wait, how? They went on a date. We went on a date. Did you film her? He charmed the pants off of me. Let me tell you. He's really sweet.

We have just nothing. How was it? It was amazing. The king, he made me a hot breakfast. How hot? Super hot. And then he gives virtual massages, Nikki, if you want a virtual massage.

He'll take care of you. He'll treat you like the queen you want. Wait, I gotta show her though the best POV one. Sure. Classic. That these people have this and that they're not embarrassed to put this out. It's really actually sweet.

This guy's lonely. He is, and he's sweet. He's sweet. And it's nice that they have this. Good morning, my queen above 18. Yes, it's time to wake up. Come on. Good morning.

I'm surprised he can hold himself up. Yes, you are my queen. Wait. What? How did you sleep? Oh, it's a- I slept good. So that was like improv, like acting in the mode.

And it was, honestly, it was really good. It's like you thought you missed the question. I really, I really, I go, are we live with him? Yeah. Can he see us? Come on. Oh my life.

Yes, you are my queen. Oh, so many young women that have been, you know, trapped in a cellar have the same point of view. This is like what girls that are missing see every morning. His tits are amazing. Those are some cans he should, yeah, we said, don't put him in a bra yet. Take a picture of him.

That's, he's into himself. Those are some sleepy tits. Just hovering over you. Oh yeah, we have, oh, I can show you another guy. We have a- I love this guy. No, he's great. He's actually very sweet.

I forgot from today's episode. He's a truck driver. We have- He drives around a lot. Yeah, respect. Like he's cool. He seems happy. He's cool.

Yeah, he's- Great actors. He's not gonna be with us much longer though. Let's be honest with ourselves. Did you ever show you cobertate? I forget. That doesn't bring about one. You should see this.

Women, cut to the chase here. Women should clean up. Not only should women clean up, women should clean up unprompted. And I'm gonna tell you why. It's very, very simple. We live in a world where things need to be fair, 50-50, gender equality, blah, blah.

I pay for things unprompted. You don't have to ask me to pay for shit. You have to ask me. We go for dinner, I'll get my wall out, I'll pay at the end. Don't even check the price of the bill. My card always works. My card always works.

Is that Goggin's son? Ha, ha, ha, right? It does look like him. So there's, I mean, I'm just giving you like- Hold on. This guy is- I honestly would rather get fucked by the last guy than this guy.

He scares me. If I had to. Really? Well, why do you- I just, this guy is just, he's just, this energy, this like confidence is just- It's through the roof, right? He just, ugh.

He's more insecure than anyone I've ever seen. I don't see- Now the only water I drink is sparkling water because sparkling water is for rich people. Not to tell you why. Is this a joke? If you get non-carbonated water- It's for rich people.

Still water from the fucking tap. The government gives you that shit effectively for free. Sparkling water you have to buy. Does this person have friends? So you only drink sparkling water, you only drink sparkling water. A lot of friends. I explain this to someone, some-

Let me subscriber this here. I'm not sure how many people- People think he's funny, like this is funny. Some people do. I mean, I would definitely watch these regularly. It's a character I get, it's kind of funny. It's a character. Here's the latest one.

I don't think so. This one's pretty specific. It's just like incel, I don't know. One of my chicks. I'd make her make me two coffees every morning. She'd make me two coffees, and one I would drink, and the other I wouldn't even drink.

I'd just leave it to go coffee. It's still in her face. She'd say, why do you maybe make you two coffees? The second one's just like an insult because you never drink it. You just make me make it because you want me to bring it to you but you're not gonna drink it.

And I said, if someone broke into this house at night, I will die trying to protect you. That's my job. No, he won't. That's what I said. If you walk down the street and the guy tries to grab your ass, it's on. That's what I was saying.

I have to risk my life against Mike Tyson, whoever he may be. He might be strapped, he might have anything. I have to risk my life to protect you. Is this why you bought that shirt, Tom? Yeah. And you have probably lived in a costume. What is that tattoo?

I heard if I drink it. Damn. But this guy would tell you not to come. Don't do that. This guy would go to you, hey, I don't want you to come. Yeah, he'd be pretty good at it. He would be good at it. He would be great at it.

Yeah, okay, I'm into it. I want that energy in the bedroom. That's what I want in the bedroom. Honestly, I want someone to be like that, like. You want a one coffee in the street? Here's the thing. Two coffee machines. I think that this guy would definitely deliver

for what you're saying in the bedroom, but everywhere else you would be like, Terrible. I want it to be a character in the bedroom like this. And then not all the time, just like in certain really like horny times. But Nikki, I had the same reaction you did, which is I don't buy that he would necessarily

defend me to the death. Like I don't get that loyalty, chivalrous vibe. The vibe of make me two coffees, one I'm not going to drink, is a punishing sort. It's a, what's the word I'm looking for? It's not a chivalrous vibe. It's disrespectful. It's like, it's not protective of her.

It's just too- When you die for your lover, would you take a bullet? I would for my children. I probably, I don't know, I've never- In the leg? I'd take one in the leg for Tom. I would take a bullet for Tom in like an appendage, yeah. But you know-

I would only do it for my niece or nephew thinking about it. Or my sister, because I don't want to take care of my niece or nephew. So I'd rather literally die than get stuck with them. Would you take a bullet for me in the leg? Not even a leg. In the leg? I mean, it would just depend on which leg.

I already rehabbing this leg a lot. I know. I don't want to get shot. How about in the other one? In the other leg? He hasn't had an injury yet. I guess. It's different though, like than what I would do

for my kids. I just think- For the kids, you got- For the kids, I would just be like, put the gun in my mouth. Yeah, easy. Right, absolutely. But for like you, I'd be like,

you can take this pinky. But here's the pinky, that would hurt really bad. Babe, but I have to raise the children, so- Right, so cut this pinky off and please let her live. A pinky? That's not suffering enough. I would take a bullet in my arm. I'd take a bullet in the buttocks.

How's that? That's pretty painful. That's very painful. Okay, I'll take that. I'll take that. I would take a noogie for Nicky. Thank you. Well, we live together and you do leave things open,

sometimes where I'm like, if someone got in, you're leaving us vulnerable. I do think you would defend me if we got into something because you're stronger than me, you're a man, but do you guys worry about that? I'm going to have to maybe, because I'm a man, I'll have to potentially die more. Is there a part of you that wants a second coffee

just to rub it in our face? I don't want to raise the fans. No, I don't want to think about it, but I sometimes do think about safety, yeah, security. You would be the first if someone broke in your house to have to go out and check on it. Oh my God, yeah.

And that's a lot of scary. You have a gun in the house? In Texas. I'd better believe it. More than one. I'd better fucking believe it. I just locked my bedroom door and I think that's gonna protect me.

That'll keep them away too. Yeah. And they're like, I wanted to get in here, but you locked the door. Fuck. Yeah. With that tough lock. Yes, but Andrew, when he enters our apartment,

because I can't see the front door from it, he has to say, not a rapist, because sometimes he'd have his headphones on and I'd go, Andrew? And he wouldn't hear me and I'd go, I'm about to be raped because it's someone not answering to Andrew. And I'd go, oh my God.

And you really have that feeling of like, this is it. And now he goes, not a rapist. I say, I am a rapist. It's funnier to me. Yeah. And you want to be honest. Yeah. But that was your pass.

It was four times. Yeah, I don't want to live with a liar. Four doesn't make you a bad guy. No. Four times a charm. That's what they say, I think. This was super, super fun. Oh, so good to see you guys.

I love seeing you guys. For a reminder to everybody who's been watching and listening, the Nikki Glaser podcast is available Monday through Thursday, wherever you get your podcasts. Are you video streaming it too? We're going to start, but it's just like, it was my answer to not having to do standup every night, just a way to express myself and not have to.

Podcasting's the best. It's the fucking best. And you know, we don't really have guests or anything. We just, if I want, I will, but it's just me and Andrew waking up in the morning in our apartment, talking about the news of the day. It's kind of like a morning radio show type thing. And you can jump in whenever,

you don't have to listen to past episodes. We'll catch you up on unsaid jokes. If you like this show, I really think you'll like it. So I would, I hope people would subscribe and throw it on. If you don't like it, unsubscribe. But like, give it a try. Maybe we're kind of bizarro you guys, you know? Truly.

Oh, that's so funny. Kind of think about that. And you guys went to high school together. I mean, you guys like, that's wild. You posted that picture the other day on the field. That was great. That's great. We had a picture of both of us.

He was number 69. That's why it's more famous than me. I wasn't funny then. That's cool. You got 69, do you ask for that? It's for the fattest player on the team. The year before, what was that fat fuck, that Lucian? Was Lucian 69?

Yeah, they were like, well, you're fat. Just take his number. No, but it's great to see you guys. I love you guys. You too, guys. Thank you for having us. I love you guys. Closing song, Kings and Queens Above 18

at gmail.com by Matthew Douglas. Here we go. My queen. You can see the king. My queen. You can see the king. My queen. You can see the king.

My queen. You can see the king. The K is backwards. So someone wanted to order one of your shirts. How do they do that? Dot, dot, dot was on the beat. What you do is you go to kingsandqueensabove18 at gmail.com.

Kingsandqueensabove18 at gmail.com. Kingsandqueensabove18 at gmail.com. Kingsandqueensabove18 at gmail.com. Kingsandqueensabove18 at gmail.com. Kingsandqueensabove18 at gmail.com. Kingsandqueensabove18 at gmail.com. Kingsandqueensabove18 at gmail.com. So you want a good morning shirt with a smiley face.

You could wait v-neck women. So you want a men's shirt, protect the queen. So you want a women's, put your feet on the ground and take off running. I got a v-neck. And I got a regular shirt. Kingsandqueensabove18 at gmail.com. Kingsandqueensabove18 at gmail.com.

Kingsandqueensabove18 at gmail.com. Kingsandqueensabove18 at gmail.com. And how do I pay you? You go to my Venmo. Okay. So I have to get Venmo. I link up my bank account. And I find you on Venmo.

Which is Steven Somerfield. Takes 15 to 21 days to get the item. What? I can't control the mail. Kingsandqueensabove18 at gmail.com. Kingsandqueensabove18 at gmail.com. Kingsandqueensabove18 at gmail.com. Kingsandqueensabove18 at gmail.com.

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