Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 616 - Beth Stelling - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 11, 2021

SPONSORS: - Go to https://saatva.com/theshit for $200 off your order - Get 25% off, up to $10 value, and zero delivery fees on your first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app and enter code YMH. - Go to https://WHOOP.com and use code “Yourmom” at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. - Go to https://Squarespace.com/MOM for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, and use the offer code MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain - Go to https://LiquidIV.com and enter code "MOM" for 25% off - Try Theragun for THIRTY-DAYS starting at only $199 by going to https://Therabody.com/MOM and get your Gen 4 Theragun today! - Go to https://ForHims.com/mom and get your first visit absolutely free! JEANS UP!! On this week's YMH, Tom Segura and Christina P discuss how CP got pink eye, their son, Ellis, bringing home a toad, the Netflix show "Halston," and more. They watch a video of polyamorous human dogs, some more "point of privilege" clips, and Christina's TikTok curations. Beth Stelling is a comedian and writer. She joins Tom Segura to discuss making her stand-up special "Girl Daddy," strip clubs, and getting brown on your finger. They also watch "Horrible or Hilarious" videos and clips of people flubbing Bert Kreischer's name.

so I'm doing my thing and he's like easy Tony Hawk you're grinding really hard on me but like a joke in the bedroom it's not that I'm against them at all I wasn't like that's not nice yeah I laughed at the time but then like you think I'm gonna get on top of you again are you stupid yeah are you stupid yeah dude yeah don't bring up Tony while we're fucking hey what's up there chomo how you guys doing welcome to another episode of your mom's house I am of course your host Tommy T buns ding dong segura and joining me as always is my lovely co-host and joining us live from Austin Texas is Christina P hey Christina how you doing Christina how you doing well I'm coming to get that booty okay all right thank you how you doing as you can

see I'm wearing my holstens yeah what happened but I've been butt fucking the shit out of dude I feel like I have to I've earned these glasses yeah just like holstens no dude I'm so bummed like it's so embarrassing it's so embarrassing I have fucking pink eye and and that I mean I'll just say I've heard that that's from fecal matter is that what happened yeah no one here's the best part is that this has been a week in the making and I called our doctor and I was like dude I think I have like pink eye and he goes well no usually you get that from a kid and everybody in your house will have it and I was like hmm I'm pretty gross I'm pretty sure it's pink eye he's like it's allergies it's allergies and of course a week later now he's like oh yeah it's pink eye well yeah because I

I fucking I touch dirty diapers and dirty ass I touch my ass I'm nasty you know yeah touch your ass I mean touch my eyes wait a minute do you touch your eyes after you touch your ass because that's kind of the only problem why are you doing that why are you touching your ass and then touching your eyes I'm just kidding I don't know if it's it's on purpose but I haven't been as hygienic because I don't shower as much because of my ankle so I'm I'm probably just getting nastier because I'm just I've been I've been giving myself um hobo baths you know where I stand by the sink and then I wet a rag and then I just like rag myself down a lot more oh that's some gush gush and I think I have a feeling that I I took a rag that maybe I wiped my ass oh my god seriously

I'm just putting a theory ticket that no no that's so awful it's so embarrassed it's so gross yeah it's so gross baby it's so fucking gross oh and here's another update from our home so our son who brought home a frog um turns out one of the workers here is like oh that's not a frog that's a toad you better wash his hands after he handles it he's gonna get warts if a toad pays on you you're gonna get warts like oh that's fucking great that's what we need that's what we need our five-year-old covered in warts yeah pink eye and then I rub my hands in my eyes and I get warts in my eyes next yeah Jesus this is a really full week and it's so Tom how much butt fucking was in Halston like I don't know I only I only watched walked in on

the one episode you were watching and I saw him meet the nice guy at the bar and and the next scene was then butt fucking so yeah I saw that scene it was so much and it was it was a lot they didn't need to show that I like they could have been like hey they're gonna butt fuck now but they they had to show the full thing and you know like I get it man they're butt fucking oh my god and even in other and and episodes following there's even more butt fucking and like can I just tell you one butt fucking so his lover Victor is at studio 54 and they're together Halston and Victor they're a couple Halston walks into studio 54 and sees Victor butt fucking another guy just like next to the dance floor like fully pounding his butt and then being like hey

what's up Halston and how's Halston feel he's not too happy yeah he's like hey don't do that at least don't do that in front of me in public but then he gets turned on and then maybe after later too oh they do he was like it was so cool to see you do that do it to me now yeah I'm gonna give that a whirl you're gonna try to if we go to a club and I walk in I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna be like are you going to bathroom I'll tell us check it over here I'm gonna butt fuck you and then uh when you come back I'll be like hey how you doing look what I'm doing see if you like it I'll be like so hot and I'll give you the hang 10 Mahalo you know shred bro you shred shred you know what I just realized too is that I'm dressed like a French

mime you kind of are could you do a little for us I just loved mm-hmm looks great when's the last time you had pink eye I don't think I have yeah I am I am you're gonna get it tomorrow I'm gonna lay on the same pillows as me please don't give it to me it's no one else has it yeah god I don't want it is it's so miserable it's probably worse than the broken ankle I think like pink eye hey like finger problems toe aches like those little things are way worse than like a big injury in some regards mm I don't know what do you think I'm gonna go ahead and just go ahead and this is making me more miserable though I get that I get that yeah it sucks it sucks to it's one of those things where you can almost forget about and then you look in a mirror and

you're like oh Jesus it so affects your appearance so you just you're startled by yourself you know which is terrible maybe I'm just so vain and it's so upsetting that it's like on my eyes I don't think it's so vain to feel that way I think a lot of people feel it you know you see your appearance change you're like Jesus it's like missing a tooth or something you're like oh my god and then uh one time I did for for a shot something I shaved my beard but left a mustache and every time I walked by a mirror I was like oh my god like I didn't get used to it for like days yeah it's just alarming or do you remember like in junior high school you get a pimple in the worst place I remember one time I got one on the tip of my nose I've had those very tip of

my nose and you're like really it's like it's the tip of your nose and it's like the day after the girl you like flirted with you and you're like I'm gonna try to talk to her again today and you know you go it's Friday you got a new shirt you walk into school and you got like ding dong ding dong at the end of your like god damn it it's the worst ding dong no the worst ever was in sixth grade I had um neck gear that I had to wear at night to straighten out my teeth right to to I had an overbite so that corrects the overbite it pushes the top jaw back and I was such a doofus when I first had the neck gear like I followed the rules to the letter like six o'clock came on I put on my neck gear and I remember one time we had a party at my dad's house

it was a sunny night and all the Hungarians came over and I was like time to put in my fucking neck gear and I walked around like a dork and I got shh yeah shit on so hard all the Hungarians like what is this you're talking to out there space yeah it's so mean and how old were you I was 12 I was in sixth grade so mean like so mean yeah and you're a girl you know like you're a little more sensitive and yeah yeah and I apologize I apologize that I said that please do not use gendered language I'm sorry anybody could be affected by that doesn't matter who we know well we're ostracizing the neck gear community right now true true and the pink eye community we're being very insensitive yeah so how long are you gonna be like do you start

medication today uh you better believe it this morning I was I called the doctor I was like yo you gotta help you said it like that you say yo you gotta help go I texted I texted and I was like yeah to stop bro I swear to god I was like dog this is worse than the ankle bro you need to help I go I am miserable right now please kill me I texted in a picture no I woke up I looked like shit I texted in the picture and I went bro both eyes kill me I mean I need I need drugs did he did he give you some yeah so then it's like it's like fucking Cipro you put in your eye it's Cipro I got kills everything I gotta play the opening clip I haven't done that yet you're ready to open a clip of course I think you'll like it this I think it's very appropriate

you got that no no is it that asshole no no you'll like it ready here here you go I just want to let all y'all know out there watch for wasps because they'll sting you and then you look like me but it's hot today so make sure you drink water okay have a good okay don't bring anyone loving to this okay the last place welcome welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura welcome to your mom's house watch for wasps

not wasps wasps Jesus Christ man and I'll tell you I've missed I've mispronounced words for years yeah me too for years I'm not sure oh they just hit me up a few weeks ago I didn't know that I said like 20 times on an episode I said disassociate instead of dissociate dissociate but hold on I think disassociate is a word is it and dissociate is a word two separate words yeah they're two different I believe I don't know people told me they're like we have you sound like a real tech off google yeah he's googling he's googling I will have you guys know that uh disassociate is a word okay and it's another

term for dissociate okay they're both accepted they're both accepted so from me to the to you all of you out there that said that I said it wrong go suck your mom's dick and eat shit and come in your dad's mouth it's hot today so make sure you drink water what the fuck is going on with this guy you gotta watch for waspises and then I forgot to ask you uh because you're in Austin yeah this is hot today well Tom I'll tell you it is humid today it is hot and if you think it's hot right now you just wait a couple months yeah it is hotter it's hot but I'll tell you what it is raining again today so that's some well I sure wish this rain would stop so y'all could get out on the river me too watch for wasps that might be my new favorite drop

wasps his now let me ask you let me ask you this can you kick my ass so so would you rather have your eyes fucked up but you can cover it with your holst with your butt fucks over your eyes or or would you rather have a pack of waspises oh my god your lips and then there's nothing you could put over them now okay well hold on that's a good point I would rather have this affliction than that affliction any day but then there's nothing worse than a cold sore I would say a cold sore oh god and people when you have a cold sore people are like oh you've been out there just sucking random dicks actually everybody thinks yes how'd you get that like with yeah with pink eye I'm just disgusting because I put shithands in my eyes but herpes on your mouth and you assume

I've been sucking dicks yeah so what do you want to be filthy or a whore like that's my two choices a lot of people would go either or on that one I think you know multiple choice multiple choice wasps now we're calling them we're calling them wasps from now on you know oh yeah watch for wasps they got them good too those waspises got them well one time as a kid I had a wasps fly down my throat and sting me in the throat what when I was seven yeah I was running in the front yard and I was laughing and running and then one flew down my throat and stung me there I one time came up on actually the front door of a house we lived in as a kid and there was a nest I didn't know and uh you know like bees most bees not like uh killer bees but

most bees that you standard bee you see around they have to be provoked to sting they won't just sting you you know but waspises will they're predatory and they just came and then they're just stuck in my arm like I had to pull them out of my arm you know it hurts so fucking bad did you swell up uh yeah I mean you know it just it was painful I don't remember I didn't have like blisters or what I wasn't like it wasn't like that but it was just there was like seven of them in my arm hurt very painful so bad yeah and I was waspises are dicks yeah they are they really are they are and I I walk I remember the next day I went to school I was like watch for wasps yeah I told people yeah watch for wasps watch for wasps I thought you know this was uh pulled by Zola I

thought you would appreciate this just kind of write up your alley yeah so some of people on tiktok are confused because they've been seeing us on live did you want to introduce yourself lovely my name is Caitlyn I am a Shiba Inu Husky mix and we've been together for about three weeks now yeah so I'm dating her and I'm dating Alyssa as you guys probably know I'm polyamorous I have three and a half partners officially I'm dating Alyssa Caitlyn and Levi Levi's long distance but you guys know them in my stream as human wolves so yeah anything else you want to tell my followers love that's it I hope to see you guys around so here's the thing that I there's a lot that I find fascinating about this one is I feel like collectively we all go well these are mentally

ill people but we we accept and we agree to that but then other people that have other inclinations and preferences we go oh they're not mentally ill you know what Tom I think you're you're just being a hater and you're jellies yeah because let me tell you I follow the wolf lady on tiktok I'm very familiar with her work she has an impressive wolf she she does she identifies as a wolf and I feel like she's showing off a bit there did you notice the smile she's like and I'm dating Kyla I know I know yeah who's half Shibu Inu and I'm dating Perla it's like bitch you're just showing off like I don't believe that you have feelings for all these wolves yeah don't compliment that bitch she uh she's totally crazy everybody in

this video is crazy and shit and 99.9% of society would be like these two fucking nuts don't pay attention to anything they're saying they're crazy but then we entertain them and people like them you know like as if this is a real thing that can see yeah there's a half wait which which part is crazy the part that she's like I'm a wolf all of it I'm dating three and a half people I'm dating a dog this is a dog I fucking it's all insane it's insanity what the fuck are we even talking about what are you what the fuck are you talking about get you know what get more interesting read a book tell me some shit I don't know instead of making up this bullshit but Tom hear me out our wolves our wolves monogamous meaning maybe she's living in accordance

with the way wolves live thank you yes that's a good point that is a very good point but I like your point and you're absolutely right it's like remember when people used to be interesting because they mastered something yeah or they learned to play guitar yeah show me that check this out and they start playing you a song wow that's really cool you're interesting because you learned a skill and you mastered it you don't you just go like I'm half alien and I'm a fucking shih tzu and I'm like you're wondering what jet fucking spaceship I landed here on I'm dating somebody in outer space like get the fuck out of here man you know you can't sell me on that shit because I'm not retarded so it's not gonna fucking not a thing for me because you know what this is this is essentially

reality television like remember when reality shows came out and people were mad because they're like you're just famous for being yourself yeah how is that a thing and now this is like the incarnation of celebrity for absolutely no reason so on a smaller scale the wolf lady on tiktok is famous she's tiktok famous you know what I'm saying yeah she can just be like I'm a wolf now she gets laid yeah fucking bullshit but to her credit her howl is impressive like she can really howl this one yeah even that little short out that little bullshit when she did at the end there was still pretty impressive I'll tell you that it's really if you just did a video about your wolf howls I'd be like that's pretty cool I bet you can get some real wolves to come around yeah

and that'd be a video I'd watch her out in the wild howling like a wolf and the wolves come and just rip her to pieces that'd be a cool video like you're not one of us bitch yep go be with your fucking brethren stupid bitch your wolf bitch yeah no I actually I really like the wolf lady yeah and I point a personal privilege I believe she's also trans like I want to say she was once that's great that's fine man and now she's a wolf woman so there's a lot of stuff going there's a lot going on door dash thank god for door dash we have been using them weekly of during the pandemic and now because I'm just hooked on it I mean why not when every night of the week you can have something different delivered right to your door it's so easy it's

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ymh for 25% off your first order with door dash subject to change terms apply this episode is brought to you by our partner whoop I gotta tell you there's nothing quite like a whoop and what it can do for insight into how your body is working and feeling it's incredible you strap a whoop on your wrist you literally forget it's there and then you're collecting all this data you're also inputting things like you know what you consume that day did you have something to drink did you have caffeine you start kind of marking what your activities are and it's recording everything and it starts to build this database of this is how much strain you're putting on this is how much sleep this is how you're recovering this is how your your body's ready to rest or your body's

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of course shout out to Eiler who sent this shit and he c texted me this video this is so insane now we're going to move on to the uh resolutions and a very brief very brief point of information if you are using a microphone talk into it directly like I am right now and do not wave your face back and forth because people cannot hear you that is all okay awesome thank you for the pointer fuck you I know do it how I'm doing it right now I'd be like hey shut the fuck up and sit down dip shit yeah then you be the socialist leader you cum sucker I'm gonna take this microphone stick it down your fucking throat you say interrupt me again yeah go jump off a bridge and make it yeah who's that remember that one may go bridge and go over it yeah yeah yeah yeah

pretty good here's another another one for these morons look at this one first of all in this room I see that no one's clapping for me it could be because I'm not engaging but it also is because everyone's doing this and that's really important because those loud bursts of noise even though this is a noisy space when we can do something like reducing that that's really important so please don't clap shoot up these um and additionally with the um the noise issue like avoid hissing avoid waving banners right you don't know what to do show up these right I'm sure there's lots of ways that we can communicate to each other without needing to rely on something uh that's going to hurt somebody else who are these fucking losers like who are they they're the socialist party

that's the socialist party what yeah this is their so there they are socialists and they want socialists we have quiet rooms that are available there's a range of options of these right I mean seven there's one why is noise so important to socialists so why is avoiding it the top fucking priority good question point of personal privilege tom um that's because you don't have an auditory sensory overload problem some of the do all socialists well these these people do and they need you to be sensitive to the people that might have auditory sensory processing disorders god but to your point now that you said that it makes sense like this is how they're special by complaining about stupid things like they're in an auditorium that normally has noise in it

and they're like thank god we're here and there's yeah and they feel special yeah by identity by picking up this identity of like i'm a socialist i'm bothered by noises i do this instead of class like my group danger in this gathering it's not has anything doesn't have any do with socialism is that they're all pathetic fucking losers and that they got together and they're trying to normalize being these pathetic fucking pieces bottom feeding pieces of shit and they're like oh this is hey we're normal this is the this is bro you know like jesus christ man you know this is why you need this is why you need bullies this is why you need people preach to bully people you know i i agree with you so much especially because it's anti resilient

right what are we telling people to do to be weaker and to be victimized constantly it's nonsense the world is never gonna cater never i just hate them but these jack ops these jack ops want the world to conform to what they want it's absurd watching this video it's like it's sweating like a like a black man that's got me sweating in here you know it's just so uncomfortable you know what i wish that's so good yeah you know what i wish is that the national so right next door to the socialist convention should be the national bullying association yeah guys can you do this instead of clapping god so weak christ being such a weakling yeah man fucking pussies they are so there that's the thing it's just like it's the it's the giant pussy convention

is what this is yeah big wet soppy sloppy hairy pussies i just can't i can't believe this is not a sketch every time i see a clip from this thing i'm like how is this not a sketch point of privilege can i reiterate that we for the sake of our comrades who have sensory issues refrain from hissing loudly shouting out your opinion on a vote or waving banners and signs that reflect your vote in front of people yes absolutely thank you god what a sensitive fucking but but do you think they'll ever reach a utopia even just in that room where everybody's needs are met at all times because essentially that's what they're doing with this interruption of point of privilege you're being too loud point of privilege you're being you don't get anything done in this room well everyone

interrupts you didn't use the microphone correctly you wave your bat you hissed can you stop shifting in your seat hey can we get to the first thing we were gonna talk about i know like are they ever going to reach a place where they could just conduct their business i doubt it i don't think so i think at the end of two hours they'd be like all right are we ready to start everybody's finally stopped moving you just fucking why don't you just sedate everybody in this room i don't want to kill them all i do hi i am andy p uh from los angeles they then pronouns um could i please ask the chair to um again um there was a previous point of privilege about waving around signs oh that it is distracting to other comrades i have autism this is distracting to me can i i would like to ask our fellow

delegates please to not wave around your signs especially during voting thank you yes uh please do not wave around your signs thank you oh god dance down so tom you didn't say your pronouns when you introduced me hey guys they them good to be fucking amen tom segarro los angeles california my pronouns were they them yeah the pronoun announcement my goodness you know people are having it people are having to add that to their um their signature now their corporate signatures in your emails and in academia did you imagine having to add that yeah like i'm tom segarro comedian my pronouns are they them but you see it in people's bios all the time on social media fucking absurdity of course it is like when you like when you see a dude like a guy with a beard

who's like hate my pronouns like no we know what they are man because you're a fucking guy we all see it yeah yeah i know i i know you have your preference it's cute especially in texas like oh good luck and good luck announcing your pronouns in texas i have to say like after having been here now and in tejas for just since may like you you really realize at least i do having grown up in the bubble but is los angeles and i'm not shitting it on la i'm 818 till i die i fucking love la yeah you do realize how la and and you know new york and everything that there's that logic and then there's like the the rest of the country that's just like yeah it's crazy i mean if you're a guy and you announce your pronoun you might as well

just be like you know i mean yeah yeah was that burt yep yeah man he is and he's uh sexist now homophobe is that one oh yeah i don't think he is i think he was just self identifying oh well we don't have you for much longer so why don't we go ahead and you know get into it okay um when you listen tom when beth sterling gets here yeah will you when you introduce yourself like hey what's up it's time to grab my pronouns are they them and with me is beth sterling oh 100% yeah yeah see what she says for sure i will i think i wouldn't say i'm they them though i'm he him because those are my pronouns you're

sorry hey tom segura he him no this isn't a joke just i'm just uh reiterating what you already fucking knew unless you're a complete fucking moron that i'm a guy and uh yeah just making it clear unless you're but we don't know that tom even though you present as male your gender identity inside could be also present white i didn't know that someone told me that recently they got what you present right well though they were saying that because i am um latin x another dumb dipshit thing they're throwing around that um they're like a lot of people don't know your latin x because you present white i was like lose my number okay okay was that is that your point of personal privilege that you present as white though yeah

yeah they upset they were just like yeah you know a lot of people don't give you your latin credit because you present white and it makes all the difference but don't don't people think of you totally differently right they do makes a big difference sometimes they do yeah yeah yeah yeah i found it a tiktok i don't know if we can share it because it's got music embedded in it but it was a it was a black girl and she was like i just want you to know that i identify as well white so if you have a problem with that and i was like all right welcome yeah yeah sure come on in i don't care yeah hey girl um all right so here's um here's some of your talks that you've curated you ready to watch them all right here we go of course there's one good thing about the texas heat you can

guarantee that no one's waiting in your backseat to kill you that was a great one the way she said it was fucking perfect yeah that was fantastic there you go that was for you tony that was great i was genetically engineered from the ground up i was a special section marine from the time that i was a baby have you ever killed an extraterrestrial being yes have you ever physically been to a planet other than earth yes there are no indications that mr kramer was actively attempting to deceive me or the polygraph examination from my perspective mr kramer does believe that he is telling the truth i've always known i've been telling the truth people now are gonna have to look at this yeah well you're schizophrenic so that's why you believe

that you're telling the truth um you don't know that how do you know he hasn't gone to alien lands and killed extraterrestrials these are two really good starts to your talk session well let me tell you is that the heat makes people crazy i think the summer cooks up his brain it does it's a lot going on a lot going on so i identify as wolf spiritually and psychologically but i'm still in a human body so with that in mind so there she is that about i'm so glad we got to see her work and tiktok it's cool to see a wolf run that fast jesus christ have you ever seen a wolf run on two legs like that no not like that no not like that

that's pretty cool that's pretty cool initial contact on a dating app usually falls on the shoulders of the men it's us who's reaching out trying to make that first message and if it evolves from that you get off the dating app and you're dating and you're in a relationship even then still it's the guys who starts off the day for the initial contact with hey beautiful hope you slept well how was your day have a good day what have you i get those types of messages very rarely and oh my goodness they feel so great the endorphin rush is is awesome so no wonder do women like it so much but it needs to happen more women send out more messages initially where's my good morning handsome where's my hey sexy where's my you up where's my what that mouth do

better ladies and do pay no attention to the background i like that this is the second time i've seen this guy and um both times he obviously deliberately sets up the camera here and and both times goes like oh just ignore the whips and change like oh that just happens to be there yeah well tom what that mouth do yeah i'll show you what that mouth do oh where's my good morning had you sleep gorgeous okay thank you sir what just did a car drive through that's what that was oh yeah trying to remember this is a minute ago her giving that gock gock night

down let's play it again you saying that is fantastic her giving that gock gock nine thousand i can't read because my eyes are swollen shut yeah a fucking jeep drove through that fence and and into an uh above ground pool oh a fucking and that was the equivalent that what we're seeing there's a guy nutting in uh you know because he's getting that getting that good neck right now you know i mean i would never have put that together yeah well i live on these streets yeah oh shit oh very funny okay okay oh no oh for fuck's sake oh god damn it i don't like it for those just listening it's a guy or swimming in a huge toilet it's a woman

it's an art installation yeah she's swimming in an over like an enormous toilet that looks red looks like someone had bloody diarrhea in the toilet and she's swimming in it with a snorkel mask on like hi yeah i thought that was pretty cool i don't think you wouldn't want to you wouldn't want to swim in a gigantic toilet like just for fun what if that was your jacuzzi you're like come over see my jacuzzi and it's a big ass toilet i'm good it's kind of funny i don't want it i don't want it i thought i knew you i'm gonna have this ready going surprise motherfucker i'm gonna spray their fucking windshield and empty his entire belt on right on their motherfucking windshield okay uh

bro just fucking i mean i like it i don't know what happened there so he thought it'd be a funny funny prank to take his fake gun and pretend to like play stick him up with a stranger that was a stranger yeah and i'm like that has to be the stupidest idea in the world yeah that um i don't know i didn't play that shit at all he fucking ran up open the door pulled it away and then they're like that was funny yeah are you crazy yeah that's a real that's a crazy thing to do but even like i have to say the the way that the guy spoke who who had the fake gun you know didn't didn't seem like he was an ivy league grad you know what i mean really yeah he seemed seemed touched yeah touched as they say in the cell

poco tocao look people the only thing that's depopulating us and a real uh thing to worry about is all these drone stars above every four seconds they send a bullet to your brain don't feel it because you're desensitized okay the only thing to uh breakthrough is one of these right here how do you even stomach this how can you tolerate more than two seconds of this i can't even watch this you know what tom it's just called passion they tell you if you love what you do you'll never work a day in your life i love crazies i love them i eat it for breakfast lunch and dinner why do you think your mom's house is just the juggernaut that it is we love crazy it's true

but this i love it i just live for this shit all right a few more here we go check that guys you're gonna have sonic weapons so in order to shield with sonic weapons you need magneto sonic here pretty simple uh oh it's something you cut about uh radio you get some radiation x-ray glasses at ebay you know there's a kind of glasses right there and then you cut it in little circles about five to a stack five to a stack then you epoxy them and then you mix it up all right and you cut it damn it it's simple he's doing real well this guy i could really got his shit together god damn it jumping forward that's like my worst nightmare is falling down the escalator up escalator just like just go down

the other escalator dipshit oh but i mean haven't you tried to break the rules yeah of course like oh that's gonna happen don't you feel like i haven't done that and how long was the last time you've done that years right you do that as a years not adult not no yeah not in a while yeah that's a grown-ass woman she knows what the fuck she's doing that's not like a 14-year-old you know like that's it and she's like heels on what are you doing it's so embarrassing super embarrassing high value men specifically should avoid disagreeable women single moms and feminists and stuff like that unhealthy women i mean something like 60 of the north american population is fat or obese or morbidly obese yeah you married a dime she gets fat she refuses to lose weight for you

so you're essentially paying a pig for the rest of your life these like perpetually woke women that talk about patriarchy only earning you know 74 cents in every dollar that a man earns that whole victim mindset means that they have to have an oppressor yeah and guess who that oppressor is going to be fellas if she's dating you it's going to be the man because that's what they've been told so you want to stay away from victim mindset women you know these women they're all hashtag boss girl it ties into the disagreeableness right like nobody wants to go and chase excellence all day long and have you know fires to put out and people to deal with and bank to make and then you come home to your girlfriend or your wife and she's the boss girl there's got to be all these things

that have to be done and guys don't waste your time on the boss girl hashtag girls okay these guys are a good time jesus christ it's kind of excellent you know there's like there's there's some truth to what they're saying but they're also like terrifying dudes you know i mean well i got these guys are kind of scary yeah they're terrifying i think they don't really like i don't think like what kind of women do we like well that's the thing i feel like you know and i don't really know these guys but it feels like they just want like it's implied that they want just like submissive women right yeah we are just like yes sir no sir you know sounds good somebody somebody who's been to cobertate school for a while here's your second coffee yeah just clean up bring me sparkling

water i don't drink tap water i drink sparkling water it's more expensive fantastic good this is a good one though shout out like that yeah forget those hashtag boss girls you you guys yeah they're just all disagreeable yeah i need to deal with your bullshit when i get home you're fucking yapping and your words yeah and your thoughts the shit shut the fuck up right babe that's right when i drink i don't drink that purple top right and sir if you're drinking that pink top your wife runs your home if you drink that pink top sir look at me hey you ought to be wearing the dress and heard the

britches i drink red top milk i mean i like it's a thick you got to shake it to make it i mean i like cream on the top of it sounds like i like to shake my milk somebody say man sounds like you want someone to jizz in your mouth pastor and also judging these fucking guys that get obsessed with colors that they're like if it's pink i ain't no way i'm gonna touch it you're like okay sounds like you're just yearning for a dick in your mouth you're that scared of the color pink well i think you should switch to the pink because the red is full fat and he's got enough of that yeah who she's pretty serious right big in the britches yeah he needs to cut back

maybe get that is it blue that's non-fat i don't know what it is i drink that red top making making sure people know i'm not i imagine telling people like you're not drinking milk that has a pink cap on the top of it are you okay man this guy needs to go and he needs to go earn his holston shades you know i mean exactly yeah exact as if as if that's gonna make you like sucking dicks though if it were that easy yeah you just have to drink the wrong top of milk yeah you're like shit next thing you know you know i did i i reached in the fridge i didn't even look at the milk i was gonna drink and i'm fucking guys every day i feel like such an idiot

check me out y'all might have more teeth than me but i bet you i ain't got more money than me check me out come on what it is what it is what it is what's that mouth to you how'd you sleep beautiful i'm the richest person on tiktok no you're not but you know what he's happy i'm happy for him he's feeling good he's happy he has no teeth too so that's that's good that at least he has some cash and i know what i love i got a crazy idea for him take some of that money and get some teeth you know i mean go buy it down to the dentist yeah take those stacks check out this fucking rack i got i don't know what's in his nose take those stack of ones down to the dentist and get and also too they always flaunt like they fan

out fives and ones he had so he had a bunch of 20s though he did oh he did yeah he had like hundreds but and then like a bunch of 20s i mean that dude could definitely make a deal with a dentist like an all-cash deal wait but how much money is that you could fix this the the disaster that is my mouth with you know i have three thousand dollars yeah do you think that's just that is like three thousand dollars he's like look at all this cash i'm the richest motherfucker alive you're like it's it's five hundred dollars fanned out which is a lot it's that's a nice chunk of change but yeah do i mean it's not like no no but you know what he like what is that ignorance is bliss right he

doesn't know what kind of money people have you know what he thinks he's a millionaire because he's holding all that might good for him let him be happy i know doesn't have any fucking teeth let him enjoy this moment all right are you guys verified god only knows i mean i'm registered i don't know if i'm verified i probably am verified i'm back i look like what you mean you mean if i've been verified for the vaccination no if you're verified on social media no no i'm just i'm just a simple influencer i guess any more modest you don't get ahead very sweet this is just i love it the old gay crew that rolls around with a young gay guy yes captures makes fun of them that's cute boomer got the vax that's the boomer got the vax i love these old gay guys yeah they're

great that's a what's the account that's a very funny account i think it's like old gays of tiktok or something i see four guys that drink pink top milk if you know what i'm saying i think you're right kind of friends of halstons oh yeah they all have their shades um all right jean this was a lot of fun you're precious you're gorgeous you're gorgeous i did all this clown mold and i did it all right i love you love you adios adios hey guys we're back tom seguro pronouns he him and joining me is an absolutely hilarious comedian you can see her special girl daddy on hbo max it's beth stelling thank you for coming beth thank you for having me it's been a minute it's been a minute you walk you look exactly exactly as i remember seeing you like what's up with you chicks that

don't change i you know it's it's funny you say that well thank you um but also i was like thinking because i'm personally like i don't have any plans to do anything to my face like yeah i want to i feel like i should make an announcement that's like for my next trick i'm going to age gracefully yeah i'm gonna age like a human yes and not go like someone's gotta do it pull your face back look like a fucking psycho i would like i would rather put pantyhose over my head and yeah for the full day than put things injectables i told i mean there's this thing too i mean it's not a i've heard it said and i totally agree that if someone's gonna get work done the only kind of work that actually looks good is that the work you don't notice like it's the subtle thing you

know when someone i guess they go like this but most people just go no no like all the way back pull it all the way back and then you look like a space alien like you don't look like a person anymore i've even seen um i mean i don't want to call them out but i've had younger women younger than me women open for me and they've you know share with me that they've done something to their face and it's like it makes you look older because you look it's like wet doesn't it it look it does i don't know how there's something it's something strange and it the scary thing spooky is that it did used to be used to be a thing i feel like when i was a teenager that like friends moms would do right like in their like i don't know getting fifties in the sixties and they're like

oh they're aging and they don't want the skin to hang and they're doing something now i i've met women who are like 28 and they're like yeah i got i'm doing all the shit uh prevented it i'm like you're not even it hasn't begun like this is your best this is your prime time years right now yes you're in your 20s yeah just i went i've had acne on and off for years well it started in my 20s and so i occasionally get facials but usually they're nightmares because they don't make it worse yeah but i went recently and i just said you know speaking of i was like is there something i should be doing like just because i'm waiting because the time is ticking yeah and no this was a good woman okay normally i go to a dermatologist that i expect

to be a real doctor and they're like let me stick a needle in there i'm like where oh no yeah i have to say no yeah repeatedly to needles in my face but this gal was a great she actually used to be a waitress at the improv really yeah and she's like a now she's an esthetician she's great okay name's trena anyways she just was like you're good really yeah i mean she sold me some like beta antioxidant stuff to put on my face yeah but she was like you have high cheekbones that's gonna be help you out that is gonna help you out yeah you got good cheekbones that's what it is that was my secret hey yeah the lips everybody gets something you know you got cheekbones the lips are the scariest i think because there's so many people who are not meant to have a top lip

and that is what's supposed to happen to you right and you're not allowed actually to do that if you have like naturally thin lips they can still work for you you know like your face there are beautiful models that have like no upper lip and then a big bottom you don't need huge fucking lips and you actually it's truly you look insane like a predator you look crazy if you walked in like that i'd be like fucking bitches out of her mind because yeah it's out of nowhere yeah and then they're like oh well let's not make it look out of nowhere so let's make you into a cat yeah and then it's a puff all the way through here i'll confess something that i just i got i got i got i got hosed no i didn't get any injects i got hosed though and i went for it i was walking down the street

in beaverly hills and this lady was like hey come here and i was like what and she's like god the bags under your eyes are like no huge and i was like yeah she was like do you want something for it and i was like sure she put this cream on hold on out of nowhere yeah i'm literally walking down the street okay i mean she was probably standing in a doorway turning out like gold lotion and she's in beaverly hills so she's probably like people walking around here can afford she's looking for me to rob them yeah so so i'm i mean i'm walking to like an appointment and and uh and she was like you look so old and she was like thank you and then she was like do you have a minute i was like not really she's like you need it yeah you're

really just she was like sit here and she puts this cream under my eyes and like i feel like my face and like this i was like wow that feels great and she was like you should get this cream i was like okay she was like it's seven hundred dollars no damn and then she i was like all right so i bought it and then no this is the best part it gets better okay then she was like i go i gotta go and she's like what just one second and she was like Bianca come here and this lady comes over and she's like puts another thing like on my nose i was like what and then she holds a blue light to it and i was like and then i felt nothing i was like i don't know what this is and she's like this thing is normally four thousand dollars it's like a dildo it looks

like a fucking dildo and she was like but today we have like a special sale and it's like twenty three hundred dollars and i was like i don't want it okay thank goodness i didn't buy it i was like i'll just take my cream that i'll never use have you been using the cream nope but christina and she also took my id no she was like yeah i go um i remember this she goes you know the amount and i was like jesus and i gave her the card and she was like you have your id and i thought meant like to verify i go sure here she's like cool and she took it and walked away with it and i was like what are you doing with that she was like huh and then came good for you for asking some people are just like this is bad and i am freezing she was crazy and then

another thing did you give you an answer well she had a she i know there's another thing she had a heavy accent right so i was like where are you from and she said uh barcelona and i started speaking to her in spanish and she didn't speak spanish well and i was like you're from barcelona and she was like well like i spent i was like oh fuck oh no and uh she was actually israeli yeah yeah she lied yeah yeah she lied what you didn't you got it out i think it was like $20 cream that i paid fucking hundreds of dollars for you people in the front of a cv and then i was just like i got to go to this appointment and then i shamefully threw the bag in my car i feel like i just got like gypsyed you know and i mean that as disrespect as i can oh my god so that

happened wait okay so have you never i'm sweating right now just thinking about just getting getting it out i feel like i'm going to go at my confession right now okay like please god how many our fathers do i have to say it's so funny you say that because when i was getting this coffee yeah i walked by me i don't know i don't know if he had a place to live and he looked at me and he said i forgive you and they honestly kind of felt good i felt good yeah yeah i was just like the i was like what did i do but it was just like i think maybe some guy who thinks he's jesus and lives on the street or something yeah i forgive you i had a street guy do that the other day he goes like hey where you going and i was like and you know i wanted to be polite yeah so i was like

oh i'm walking over here he's like oh you know there's another place and he started just telling me about restaurant and he had like you know trash bags and stuff yeah and i just will like and then he wouldn't let me go you know like i was like yeah i appreciate it man he was like you know another place you ever seen this place here they have like a pool and they have a garden and i just kept being like i really got to go and and he was like yeah charlie chaplin used to have a house over here and he just kept talking and i was like hey man i really appreciate all the information and he was like can you help me out i was like you could have fucking led with that like you could have started with that instead of these 25 minute story and i gave him fucking seven hundred dollars

he gave him the cream yeah i get it take this thing your skin really looks like shit what do you live outside oh you do okay okay have you never used any of christina's stuff in the bathroom and she never tries put anything on you yeah and like you know i she does or does a couple times a couple times it is and moisturizing you know i i remember you know ferrell the producer guys like i don't know he's older than me and he looks fucking younger than all of us perfect yeah let's pull up a 2021 picture of ferrell williams yeah and um he looks exactly like he looked in like 1997 right yes and they interviewed i saw interview or just a little blurb like a year ago where they're like how do you look this young and he goes i wash my face and i remember sitting

there being like oh yeah i don't wash my face you don't never never have you ever gotten a facial yeah okay yeah so that's good it felt good yeah i was gonna say probably peeled away several years and then as they do it they're like god you need like they comment the whole time they're like you have you have you didn't neglect your skin and you're like yeah i don't know man at least you don't smoke no but i started to get in a cigar so i guess i am smoking yeah but not every day and you truly i think you should try the cream just for a bit okay i'll try it i mean i paid for it yeah what if they took your idea because there's something like a legal there's something going on i don't know man i don't know what they do like snail what did they do with it he knows

we uh we traded at our meetings we just all collect credit card information and then sell it off to each other every friday son of a bitch you're gonna start getting some sort of magazine to your house oh yeah yeah and they'll be like you signed up for this five thousand dollars a month what yeah it's gonna happen you like you're uh when you get those emails that are like you agreed to pay this on paypal and you're just i don't sometimes i don't even know what i've got going oh how many subscriptions do you have going now right remember when it was you know what that's actually a hot tip for everybody is to go on to their phone go click on your apple id clip click click on your name yeah and go to subscriptions and see what you got going yeah and you're welcome

because you're gonna need to cancel some of those yeah and it's just gonna everything's going to keep adding you know like yeah i remember trying to read an article five years ago and thinking it was preposterous that one of the major publications was like you got to pay to what the fuck i gotta pay to read it and now you want to read an article in like the Idaho star and they're like you got to pay for this shit too like everybody you have to pay everybody to read something yeah remember when water was free yes yeah that happened over time so now look at us well this was free for me thank you yeah yeah cost me a fortune this is this does have the vibe of it's good water yeah we were fucking around for a minute drinking that arrowhead bullshit and then yeah you gotta go

have your it has a certain class it does and you taste it right mm-hmm avian kind of french and nice i'm supposed to say i'm supposed to say je ne parle pas français right that means i don't speak french and um non parlo italiano i know how to say i don't fucking speak your language a couple i tried to take like i did i tested high into french in college because i took it in high school and i think if you're competent anyway i tried way too hard on the entrance the college had you tried too hard on it well i was just like i'm trying to do well on it oh okay why would i do that i tested into french 301 and they're reading full books mm-hmm no good no too much so i said can't do that and i was like i'll take italian 101 how was that it was bad it was hard it was worse

yeah i wish i'd taken it so i like they say the whole it's a lot they're both love languages yeah yeah it's like no i took the highest level that they offered in high school of spanish as a sophomore and and so they're like you're done you there's no other class to offer you so they're like you should take french they're like will you teach you and they'll be like it was it'll be super easy and i was like oh yeah i'll do that that's what happened to me i got a d yeah and they're like do you not try and i was like i thought i would just i just show up yeah french and they're like no conjugations learning all the i'm over here did you watch sometimes like if i'm watching something in french did you watch lupin yes i'm currently watching the the new we

just finished it last night it's good it's great it's it's fun it's not like the final episode feels like yeah did someone else direct this oh really yeah not i don't i'm not an expert on directing i don't mean it like it just takes i mean him a little bit oh really yeah anyway you'll see i'll be interested to actually hear you it's entertaining that's an entertaining show yeah i do love the show yeah he's got like a kind of robin hadesk right quality to him yeah there are times during the fights where it's just like i don't know they're not it's like european fight oh i got you yeah like hey man you fly over to american for these stunt scenes you know i mean you know he's gonna win of course he's a big fucking guy he's huge yeah i i don't want to

spoil anything for anybody but there's just a point where you're reaching it where you're like yeah if you haven't seen it it's on netflix yeah it's french i know some people were like you mean you gotta read like yeah watch it with subtitles try it you fucking dip it's the only thing you'll read this year and we should say that they need to watch girl daddy yes on hpomx yes i would love that so tell me about getting the special like how did you get it where did you shoot it so i want to say maybe it was like august of 2019 i was in milwaukee at a festival and i was like i'll just tape this set this my hour you know and because i just showed like set up a camera yeah that kind of thing okay yeah well no i'm sorry this is not my special this is me getting the

special right so you like let's record this so yeah just to see where i am because i had the half hour on netflix the stand-ups that came out in 2017 which is great thank you and um then they had you know i'm sure that the deal was something like option you within a year i don't know i never look at anything i sign and um and the year ended and i i sent them the hour that i had but also i mean i've worked very hard but i also write for tv so i don't i'm not full-time stand up right right so sometimes i don't cut myself a break where i'm like well if you were touring you maybe have an hour you love right now sure but anyway so i sent them an hour that i had it was from like arlington draft house which i love that do you remember that yes it's great which one

it's like a movie theater but they're oddly all in all office rolly chairs yeah yeah but which which location oh the milwaukee arlington oh in arlington virginia yeah sorry because uh i'm thinking sorry i'm thinking alamo draft house which has okay multiple locations okay okay yeah um anyway so i taped that and sent it and i was like this is fine but it was just felt disjointed there wasn't any sort of like i don't know yeah it was fine it was an hour of stand-up sure but anyway um netflix was like no and um we saw it no and uh and then i just i was writing on the last og season three and i was doing that festival i was like taping and i felt like i was inching towards more of like a theme something more cohesive yeah and that's when jp who books

book yeah um i guess team coco got asked to curate um hbo max's first series of stand-up specials wow and because i've done kona a couple times and the pete home show and i worked for pete on crashing jp knows of me and jp's great yeah he always checks in he's just awesome so he let me know that that was happening and it asked if i had anything and i sent him that i was like i'll tape this week in milwaukee and he was like this is great let's do it wow that's awesome sorry that was like a horrible story that's not a horrible story i also will say this for the few times i did uh stand-up on konen he's one of the few people who i feel like gives good notes like notes meaning that you go like oh that's actually okay that makes sense or like i think that is

gonna make it better he doesn't have an ego because he he doesn't get off on like the scene yeah and he doesn't want anything other than to put on a good show yeah so yeah exactly there's people who have given me notes over the years i'll be like who the fuck do you think you are man oh absolutely you know like you're dumb yes and i don't care what i was like i don't know if you've listened to the tape but jp is good yeah like so yeah crazy yeah i agree he's good ones so then you so you said in that set he's like let's do it and then where do you end up shooting it i filmed it in at the varsity theater in minneapolis oh okay i know that place yeah and i really minneapolis a great comedy town it really is and i hadn't been in a while so that was perfect

because you know you want to go to a place that doesn't know the material sure and uh but they have a high stage which i actually hate yeah and for for some reason this hour like you know i i my stuff is very personal i i spent this weekend with some a new friend in georgia a friend of a friend and he was asking me like the classic thing that everyone asks like is that stuff real yeah and i know some comics fabricate or lie or get written for us oh yeah one of my best friends go ahead but my stuff is like too real yeah you know what i mean like that's 100 percent my life you were kind of doing but you were doing that 10 years it's just all i knew to do yeah and i mean i was always telling family stories and stuff and my and somebody was like i looked up

your dad's website and he's real i was like yeah what are you talking i don't lie yeah i i understand that they think there's a fabrication but anyway so this hour was particularly personal and so i just really didn't want to be on a high stage yeah and i just i even found myself like especially the bell house in new york yeah i've done that yeah it feels so high and i found myself like starting to squat and like just like get i know that sounds so weird no it ends up you feel like this is made for music yeah i just wanted to get lower and then i played this fun place in salem did i just forget the washington okay okay or again it's or again so sorry okay anyway and i like found myself stepping down in front of the stage so then that's why i built a stage in front

of the stage at varsity you did yeah good for you so i could be in not in the round but like have people surrounding me yeah because i just want to be like intimate look at the thing like the the longer you do this i remember just being like you you would 10 years ago i would have been like i don't like being up this high but i'll just be up oh yeah and i and i won't you know i mean and then after you do this well you're like no no no i want to do it like this yeah yeah and you find out that people like when they're like well you know you go no this is what and they'll do it but then they'll do it jp didn't push back he was like we'll make it happen don't worry but it was rory at the like conan's holiday party he was like uh you know you're oh i congrats on the hour i know

you're doing one and i was like yeah but they don't like the stage he's like no fight for what you want yeah he's like it's your special sure and like have you seen his thing um i don't think i have on youtube i gotta watch it oh my god or he does six nights uh unplanned like off the top of his terrifying yeah it's like the scariest thing i will say the most fun i've had is when we did smoke a little weed before us i'm i'm like open my briefcase let's get to work i have a plan yeah i'm to type a yeah so he was like we were in montreal and he's like to smoke a little yeah yeah he can just that can go very wrong oh it's gone very wrong yeah it's gone very wrong for me too but it happened to go right that time it was very fun i'm just crazy that he can yeah and by the

way that's not like what he does every night and that's how he does it no i know he knows how to he can do script he can you know write material and do it but like his off the dome stuff you're just like oh my god like it's fun to do that for a few minutes sometimes yeah i was playing around he's doing it just for the whole show yeah i would say mine's like no hands and then i'm like and we're back that's crazy yeah he is brilliant but he was one who pushed me to say like no fight for what you want you get exactly what you want that's good advice yeah and then it was actually like a lot of my friends in comics help me get ready for this hour isn't it great when you think about like the community you go like man the it's it's so awesome to be in this community of comedians

truly yeah i was at the store a couple weeks before i was filming sclar brothers are watching and i walk offstage and they gave me a bunch of tags one's like the closure to my special they're fantastic i did a show with them about a month ago and i got offstage in there like we thought of a few tags for you and i i used a couple that crush yeah isn't it great yeah it's so fun it's the funny thing is like uh and now like a bunch of people on twitter are like no let me give you a tag and you're like you no not you not you not you at all yeah i wasn't looking for you it has to be someone to you respects my favorite my favorite message to get is like hey man i thought of uh i thought of a joke for you hit me back if you want it i'm like i'm good i still get emails

to my website that are like um i've written this script you're gonna die laughing i'm just like do you ever get the people like people go like hey you have any advice you know yeah and you're like yeah or whatever and then sometimes they go i have like 45 minutes so he's never i've never done it i'm like you don't have 45 minutes 100 you know yeah uh would you remember calleen she used to go to montreal gfl and she booked she helped book cap city for a while yeah she was in that world i remember after i was a new face she was like how much time do you have and i was like 40 she's like but honestly i was like 30 30 she's like all right we'll feature you yeah but i was like um i remember being over at rami's and i was talking to us or usman i don't know if you

know me the chicago guy uh and i was like making him laugh ripping on um aziz's special um okay only the beginning i mean it was so silly it was like what was uh he just came out and was sort of like sat down and he was just basically like i'm gonna need to sit down for this all right yeah and i just sort of like i've been a naughty boy yeah i just felt silly anyway that poor son of a bitch just went on a bad date i didn't even read that dude i did not i was like i was like i don't need to look at any of this he was railroaded the most by this whole movement in that he went on a date that had they had uh what's the i can't think of the word um come what a fucking consensual yes because i never i never asked for it so you have had to use it

in so long i'm always lazy it's mine she just scared you look in your finger and here we go so he goes on this date the girl in the story is like we went on the date where his place you know i'm blowing him then we stop we go over here these fingers are down my throat then we make out then we're like blowing and it's like yes but she's like and i didn't enjoy any of it but i didn't tell him and then the next day i was like i didn't enjoy that he was like i'm sorry and then put it in like a written article wrote an article about it and then people were like you bastard you know you know it's really an article but but i always felt i was like this poor guy i mean like he went on a date yeah and then the girl wrote about it and was like i didn't enjoy the things that i did

with him oh it's like okay i mean i'm all down for a yelp review but i yeah god damn it that would be the worst it's somebody i'm trying to think about stuff i did like you're like and she did i i was just thinking she sucked my balls it was a time i put a finger in someone's butt without anything yeah i mean they i asked and they were like sure you know but i was so naive like i didn't nothing just draw just dry he like i mean it was like i need to go to the bathroom to scrape this dry finger i need alcohol i need latex gloves i mean surgery dude you know what happened to me so one time many years many moons ago i hooked i went when i was a girl we went to her place and as we're doing it i'm on top of it yeah she reached around starts playing with my

hassle and she was like yeah like looked up and i was like okay and then she's just like finger blasting me as i'm having sex with her and then she gets you know on all fours and i'm like i guess just what you like right that's why you did it to me so i'm just like pa pa pa and then we're done i go to bed she goes did you not wash your hand uh i wake up the next morning chocolate just oh dried i'm so sorry for the sound it's okay it's all caked to my finger and i was like oh fuck oh my god tom yeah and then i yeah i went in there and i was like probably should have done that last night yes that's and then i wrote an article about this girl this shit was dry as hell it took hours to get up but that marinated on there that sure did yeah imagine if that guy wrote

that about you yeah she's dry fingered my b-hole best didn't even ask i did ask but i didn't wash immediately yeah and then it beth didn't even lube i didn't live beth didn't even spit no you're a selfish selfish woman i know i just can't believe i i feel like i'm a smart person yeah why would i do it yeah and also me if somebody i mean i've been dry fingered in ninth grade it sucks yeah like why wouldn't i apply the same thing to your whole yeah yeah i don't know beth i know it's the things that we keep us up at night are these thoughts right i know i'm trying to think if i ever gave another bad time like if i did anything weird or i'm pretty normal and bad i'm boring i mean i like having i remember sleeping with a girl who was like she was real excited

and then when he started she was like hmm like what do you think it was i don't know did you do a minute twirling i think i was just like too i think i was too like too big to her no fuck no i love it when guys say that to me thing is i just fucked too hard and uh no i think i was too like nice to her she was like i thought you were a little more a little dirtier yeah and then um when it was over it was like i i think of it as role reversal i was saying something she goes you don't need to talk and i was like oh yeah that must make you feel bad oh yeah i felt terrible i was like okay yeah i've had the is it oh is it too big and i'm like um no i'm just like not into it yeah it was a guy who was so old it was like he i can't describe it it's like he came dust it was so

oh it was like what have you been eating i've never experienced anything like that since i've experienced i've experienced such a large load that it got in my eye which stings i diced that guilty not to you i'm saying to other people yeah um and then dribbling like barely anything yeah it's it's interesting i like talking about and asking other guys like vaginas are also different too sure they look different they feel different all the penises are different the jizzes are different i mean i remember it having thinking that everybody i i jizzed like a lot yeah and always have and i remembered one of my roommates in college i was like i don't know i was like he has something about jerking off and i was like well what do you do with all of it he was like with what and i was like

well the jizz he was like oh no he's grabbing tissue i'm like a tissue he was like what do you do i was like i grab shirts and fucking towels and blankets and i go it's not ever and he's like what are you talking about and he was he told me he has like five drops that come out wow and i was like my shit is a fire hose he was like it's like eight of your dicks tied together coming at once yeah i don't even and i asked a doctor i was like what's going on he's like you're just that's you're just lucky you have a yeah you're just lucky yeah he was like that's you know i mean i would imagine it's helped you guys conceive more easily but i don't know that's not really because i don't have more sperm i just produce more semen see and i have a prolonged like a longer you know the

contractions right like a contraction like an orgasm yeah like so the the penis like kind of contract right it's like yeah pump pump pump what is it when it's like what do you mean at the you know it's like vibrating yeah like like if it's in your mouth i guess you wouldn't know hold on when i'm there in my mouth i'm always like hmm can i get another hmm i got room uh am i putting another one in there anyway reg fitzman's and i were talking about this he was like he said that he's like he's like i bet i'd be good it's like an attack and i was like yeah yeah i bet you would be too no i i'm trying to think if you would his hand is well the thing is like if you're a guy you go like i know exactly what i like that's true i've had mango down on me so

badly i'm like and you're letting me down there yeah because you would be able to teach them yeah i just want to see how hard it is right like it feels like just focus on the top i know everyone's different yeah but like i don't know just focus on the top there's not much not too hard you don't need to like yeah definitely not to start softly yeah softly gently maybe with the tip of your tongue a little bit i'm so much like maybe think of it like looking at an ice cream cone or something okay this is good advice there's a lot of guys watch this show tell them yeah i would just say start gently never bite if you're gonna suck certainly don't do it hard right you know it would just be like you wouldn't want me don't do it out of the gate right not like start with oh no oh my

god right right it's like somebody grabbed your dick and was like you're like just slowly yeah ease sorry for that let's warm it up a little yeah warm it up warm it up start slow and then i would just say like um a consistent like that'll do it that'll do it yeah a consistent tongue lick there you go and then i think like some guys like to kiss around down there and stuff and it's like that's fine i guess okay well you know what you like that's my point right yeah it's like you're saying every v is different every d is different you know you just got to learn what the person that you're with likes yeah and like you said the hard part i well you said it actually we were talking about stand-up but you eventually just get to a point where you have to just say what you like

right you know you have to be like and by the way with maturity yeah you know i've also had guys say stuff to me that haunted me really yes like i'll love this because he's listening yeah my boyfriend said something to me like one of the first times we were sleeping together i mean this fuck with me for months it was bad actually okay so i'm on top of him which is how i like to come okay and i'm not thinking anything of it and in fact the feedback i've previously gotten is like oh you know your body so well and this is hot this is great yeah sure so i'm doing my thing and he's like easy tony hawk you're grinding really hard on me but like a joke in the bedroom it's not that i'm against them at all i wasn't like that's not nice yeah i laughed at the time but then like you think

i'm gonna get on top of you again and come right are you stupid yeah are you stupid yeah dude yeah don't bring up tony while we're fucking yeah god so i'm obviously a talk to him with elbow pads next time and the fucking helmet like i got you something he runs his little finger easy you're grinding on yes and i don't really think it was that hard also he's a huge man um let's blame it on him he's got a juicy butt maybe i was too high up which made me more heavy on him than i'm used to a big juicy back really great but wow i'm jealous yeah really jealous because like i have the worst but like the worst but i've ever seen and as you ages just dripping dude i'm like you know and then i'm trying to squat just anything to make it i don't know

i was blessed with also a tank ass really yeah me and my sister really that's really fantastic i was a gymnast for a long time oh that helped and i play field hockey like still so quads but everything party thighs my mom used to call my legs tree trunk switch i tried to explain what's damaging yeah but yeah you could parkour off these babies you're so big below the way thanks mom i got too tall to be a gymnast yeah my mom paid for oh my god i mean could you do flips and everything like oh yeah wow that shit is so amazing to me yeah you know even when they you see the floor routine like a little i'll see a clip of it oh my god that will always pull me in if i see like i don't go to the discover area much but if i see somebody sharing something

you're seeing i watch it all always gymnastics is so cool to watch it's cool and those bodies holy crap oh my god yeah they all have amazing physics they're ripped although i did have pecs for a really long time really yeah my no tits kept me like kept me probably you were probably how often were you you were training every day or five six i was on like the team is what they called it so it was serious like it wasn't just like saturdays i was there monday wednesday friday training each evening after school but i really shot up i kind of got a little too tall and then i just wasn't as serious about it like i think you know when you're going to be bound for the olympics so the real like high high elite ones they all are like four ten yeah they're small and it

doesn't mean like dominique daas i think was one of the taller women i i met the magnificent seven from the 1997 like at lana gymnastics or american team like i have their poster yeah and they signed it because that's when i was in in it yeah yeah um but what we what were you just saying oh yeah how small they are oh yeah they are pretty small yes they're little people they're little but um yeah and the boobs thing i always say like i don't know what i think it's probably like a weight lifting thing or they bounce them off really yeah i yeah i've seen like i saw some gymnasts dude and they're like their physics are just yeah like this is an unachievable i can't this can't be a goal no but they start so early they start so early yeah but they were i mean it looked

like the dude was drawn you know yeah every muscle popping yeah and then he's just like standing and grabs the rings and it's like yeah hangs there for a while and you're like oh my god and i think it's like with stand-up everyone's like oh it's so scary i could never do that but if you start when you're 20 or something or whatever you are like you're not really doing the math or the calculations you're just stupid enough to think people want to listen to you yeah and so i think it's the same thing with gymnastics like you're just like not thinking about all the ways your neck can break you're just yeah yeah i'll do that that looks fun totally can yes yes i'm trying to think if we had any major injuries i mean like the worst thing that happened to me was you know the

classic trying to do a trick on the beam and just yeah right on your pubis i thought i got my period i was so young i didn't know how you got it i was like well that's gonna do it yeah i probably just got my period you probably just did i didn't no it didn't shake it out of me no no i just this is a folder i have this called horrible or hilarious and they put they put video clips in it of things that are either gonna make me go like uh or laugh okay the horror i haven't seen this one yet um so here we go oh my god where'd he go did he just fully blow up he pissed on an electrical line uh-huh and then it shot his body back where'd he go uh he went up into the heavens this dude died this is super dead stop but look see top left yeah there's something going on back

there yeah that's part of his body i think no right what's i see no way oh my god i don't even know where he went he's either in the smoke this is the video end there wait and then there's something here that's censored right there's like you see the bottom right because is this is that a body part that that oh man it felt a little choppy like oh no okay that's there the whole website i just got news though this man is okay what he has survived really the hospital just called they just called us he's fine he's gonna make it oh my god what would the zap do to you like maybe if you were depressed you wouldn't be anymore i had a mini zap one time wet i i hit uh um like a off button getting out of a pool in florida oh my god and i just i got a

little yeah and it's freaky but you know i didn't get no one like this shit it was just like a little zap but it's the most like was it through your whole body uh yeah i mean i yeah i just i felt you feel it's like when you know those apparatus the thing you can handshake thing and fuck with people but it felt that yeah i hate it hate that feeling oh god i wouldn't like it so crazy i think if we got to see that more detailed we'd have a more visceral reaction i know like i still did yeah i got a few more for you okay i'm ready i can't tell if that was a kid dress dress like mario we're an old man that was an old man shaped like a jellybeam i think it was yeah i was

like a jellybeam with eyebrows oh my god that had to hurt a lot they're okay she's gonna be okay they're okay yeah both that's what it was in russia that was russia yeah she's got a nice ass it's great yeah nice thighs she was falling i was like oh kill him yeah oh my god it's like his his shins went up past it's all gone it's all gone new knees new ankles new hips you know those like little collapsible like wooden dolls that you push up and then they're like yeah that oh my god it's my favorite one i think when rain boots i mean what was the goal was it to jump off the roof i think it was yeah he he he may have been drunk enough to just he could have been all right gotta go upstairs just roll

camera i'm gonna make this jump in my rain boots thankfully it was just like a one-story house it did seem doable kind of but then when you look at it you're like yeah dude but you're jumping like oh man i don't know what eight ten feet like this is not good jumping here oh my can't stutter step like that right before you go i'm gonna test myself that is so funny can you see that one more yeah sure he's a really good jumper would they say dai yeah i think that's oh my god somewhere abroad dai that's all it's almost like unbelievable that he was we didn't see that the end goal was to try to make it to the other side it felt like he was just gonna jump in the crack yeah and then he was like oh i think if i keep this

pace up i would clear it so i'm gonna slow down and then jump oh my god oh man um is that it people getting hurt to my favorite fucking you like it i love it this is a amateur if i watch over and over again i can really get myself going really oh yeah this is an amateur wrestling match here elbow drops the table is like me i don't know why but the guy on the table is like what it feels like when you're having sex and someone like whether the guy or the girl when one of us has to go to the bathroom it's like you're just like waiting for them to come back can we do that one more time sure you want to see the slow motion yeah it's a hit there's a shattered elbow as well

Jesus and just to do it in undies all the wrong parts are getting covered do you know you know icp right i don't think so insane clown posse oh yeah yeah they um so i just love this clip this just came in uh well i'll just play it for you shaggy did you guys meet bobby lee when y'all did mad tv way back when and burt kersner said he met you before true or false yeah i met burt kersner before yes uh he was he was with uh cell volcano they were at the uh foxtier and uh i went backstage holler at cell volcano okay my boy and then you seen burt kersner and burt kersner was there it's almost like he's trying to hurt his feelings yeah and i think our burt kersner said his sister was like a wackadoo or some shit for icp or something i can't remember a wackadoo but no he

is cool dude yeah fucking real cool dude and i've seen his show it shows mad funny on netflix he's a fucking he's a mad funny yeah he is he's just always on fucking level 10 huh what up burt kersner oh my god so people miss pronouncing his name is a real thing even he has a show on tv s yeah he's the host of the show called yeah it's called go big show it's a talent show he's the host congrats snoop dog is a judge and rosario dawson and so this is a promo from from tbs the the channel producing the show go big show thursday night on tv s cody rhodes of course snoop dog jennifer nettles rosario dawson and burt krishna i can you imagine if you're an indian what no and then i think the guy corrects him or this is a

dick snoop and cody rhodes a part of go big show set your dvrs now to watch snoop rosario dawson jennifer nettles cody rhodes and burt kersher right kersher and then the other guy correct nine eight seven central on tv s bruce krischer they're like we're paying this person real money and we don't know his name bruce that's the better one that bruce krischer is great oh my god what's the stand-up's name again burt christinger you can look up hey big boy or um the machine this is a demo of his stand-ups this is his demo this is his demo yeah it's a club or a 12 year old girl even fucking other comedians can't get it i'm gonna be performing in colorado on i know this is september the 8th at red rock so you're welcome to come if you want to come and

have a laugh me and burt christler did he do that on purpose i don't think so i think they correct him burt krischer sorry sorry sorry i should know his name i should know his name yeah that's what you go for with your career you know like people saying like i should know him i just don't want to yeah i should know his name but i've chosen not to learn it unbelievable and this is jim's actual show his own show i think he's uh yeah i guess it is his own show i don't know about that yeah that's a good title no you're not feeling it i don't know it's tough i don't know about that i don't know about that that name jim that's a thing to title you know to come up with a title like you guys wouldn't have

known when you started no how to name i think it's the worst part about when you have a special dark what are you calling it i delay it i keep kicking it down like i'll go give it to you really hard and you start thinking oh you know is that too on the nose i know i my albums are named like that uh simply the bath it's like do i regret it who gives a shit at the end you're like i don't know i don't give a shit no one cares they just care if they like it yeah everybody hates their albums right i mean well i'm sure some people love them some people in our world nobody you think themselves is got yeah nobody you think is good is like i love this yeah it's not good no no even like and then of course like the 40th person will be like you should name it best selling best selling

is good work kaiser was that a male in that's a different one burt crazier there's so many the level of disrespect it's fantastic no that one's not real that's real yeah it's all the same guy he doesn't have to say it he's like is the r silent he says that at one point is the r silent when wouldn't you learn how to read man but bent bent brand kaiser burt bruce you worked with him too is that he guys knew each other from working together or not i feel like um maybe the vegas comedy festival you guys work together there yeah i'm trying to think the first time yeah or maybe it was like montreal just relaxed or something like that but i do know we did that vegas festival together yeah to spearmint rhino i i can't do that it's a good time the spearmint rhino thing it was it got

sad pretty fast the only thing i was just talking about strip clubs with george prez and the fact that i go the only like the fun thing about a strip club is going with a group yeah and we did we went all the comics went we sat in the back yeah you got sad though for like the reality i did something's burning and we talked about it again and um there was a guy in front of us getting a lap dance and we saw we see her dancing in front of him she's not like yeah but she's just like you know looking sexy and then the minute she goes over her shoulder and he can't see her anymore she's like yeah dead face and it was like oh yeah i want to go home that's yeah and it's not the saddest thing i've ever seen but it was just sort of like but it's up there yeah i'd rather not

yeah yeah now if you see that's the thing is well that's the funny thing because george made that point of uh yeah like sell me like do the act yeah don't be real i need you i need you to pretend sell it the whole time yeah yeah yeah for me to feel okay with what's happening i've been to one mail strip club it was for a bachelorette party how was it when we first got there i have like germaphobic tendencies i'm not crazy about it but like when i was touring i'm the first new brings like a lice a little pack of lice wipes and like wipes things down okay when i get to my hotel room so it's nothing crazy but i just smart though because those places are gross they are yeah um but we went to this mail strip club i figure what was called something gardens

olympic gardens in vegas and when we first got there i was just like eh because the guys are like shave and you can feel a little stubble and they're like glittered up and it's like this feels weird and you know they don't it's the i think it's what you said i know they don't actually want me you know what i mean but the it's just so fake i mean of course it's fake i'm not about to like fall in love and start dating a stripper yeah i don't it's not like i'm going there looking for a partner i don't know what it just feels like you love me that's what i request in my lap dance we had a i had a friend who was a roommate of one of my good friends and i go over to my friend's house and uh he goes to his room and he goes tell tom tell tom and he's like and the guy's like no i

don't want he's like tell him tell him what you've been where you've been going and the guy's like i've been going to the strip club and i'm like okay and he goes tell him what you've been spending there and he's like i mean i've been spending like 700 a night and this is like 12 years ago when he certainly didn't have it no working retail job and i was like $700 a night no it's like taking out advances on his credit card and then he said the thing that we were we looked at each other and we were like no he goes the thing is she really likes me we were like oh no no like he was like five other people he was like so hooked believed it completely yeah he was like well in some ways i can understand because after a couple hours and a couple drinks i was like

maybe this guy isn't sure and it got fun and if you that listen that was horrible don't do that so it got fun and yes i mean because he like picked me up like the lap dance isn't just him on me it involved like picking me up and moving me acrobatically like so you're like oh my god Cirque du Soleil yeah and i was like yeah i get it i get it yeah i mean also if for a night if that man or the the the female stripper does uh also like can just click with you like in a fun way yes then you then i could see you being like seduced by it and being like yes and then like this guy probably this guy wasn't dating so he's like you know it's substituting what would have been real relationships and then he's just like 20 grand in the hole after a couple weeks oh man so crazy

so crazy yeah because he could have been getting more for that money definitely like all he was getting was like an endorphin rush you know the the real test would have been getting her to a different location yeah and hurling hey can i take you to dinner reasons why she can't yeah would have been like oh no i understand she's like you know this is a bit right and he's like what's a bit she's like i'm married okay but thank you so much because my boyfriend just got a new car and you bought it pretty cool pretty cool thank you oh my god the fuck oh tear is hard out yeah can you i cannot imagine being like i've been spending all this money with you and she's like yeah me and my boyfriend are loving it and you're like what i mean i've had that on the like micro

level sure it was like college spring break we went on a cruise which i don't know i agree to that but there was i was single at the time and there was another guy who i thought was single and he was just like spending the whole week with me and it was like it did feel i don't know it felt like he was like kind of into me and then last day we're in mexico and we go into this gift shop and he was like we help me pick out something for my girlfriend and i was like what did you say that i just my face i'm sure showed it yeah yeah and again we didn't hook up or anything it just was like you're spending all this time together that was probably the most you know comparable experience where i really felt like he was leading me on yeah i was like i'm not did you say anything there or

no are you like i told the other girls i was like he's absolutely single they're like really you guys been together like the whole week i was like yeah yeah it didn't feel good but also i was like i was definitely my self-esteem was way lower i was just chubbier and i was just like yeah of course he wouldn't let me well what's adam doing now i don't know i don't think he has a special in HBO yeah special in HBO adam i didn't fucking think so yeah seems like he made the wrong choice yeah that shit i do have some people crawling back i don't yeah just like yeah all of a sudden interested i'm like you truly never gave me the time of day yeah isn't that a it's just yeah it's interesting or even even just like people from college who weren't that

nice to me texted me like here i have this new app can be are you interested in post about it post about it no yeah what are you talking about i got hit up by some people i knew long time ago who were like hey you're coming to this city we all got tickets and i was like cool and they go uh we're gonna be staying at this hotel if you want to pop by and i go i won't i'm good actually yeah and they're like no you don't have time i'm like definitely not yeah stop by and see you i well maybe people don't understand and maybe you're different but when someone's like hey do you want to get a drink before like dinner before i'm like oh no i'm so sorry i'm busy with the anxiety and diarrhea but um no i don't want to sit down and talk to you

about your life before i have to talk to a group of people for an hour yeah that's it now i think i've just gotten more comedians only want to hang after this yes talk to me after yeah and then i'll be relieved people both do this they go uh hey i'm coming to your show we're over here at this bar come by and i'll buy you a drink i'm like oh yeah i got it and then and then they go we were just at your show we're at this bar are you coming by it's like no and then you're like i have another show and they're like just run over here and then run back to your show you're like you don't know how this works no at all i know obviously it's very fun but it's a job it is totally a job yeah this is work man yeah work especially over time i'm just less i don't know yeah this isn't

less inclined to like talk or hang after it right because i just talked for an hour of what what i say you literally know everything about me and then they're like hey so do it again i know that's one of those things where i just like i want to be like no you you entertain me now yeah you tell me a story you go ahead yeah let's see what you got then you have to just like listen to movie quotes and yeah things they think are funny and stories that happen to them yeah fucking movie quotes hey man like more cowbell all right i gotta go yeah this is yeah that's how i got my last one i was 16 sure this is a very important uh psa i want you to watch over here just so you're aware okay i just want to let all y'all know out there watch for wasps because they'll sting you

and then you look like me but it's hot today so make sure you drink water have a good okay okay yeah first of all was the crusty the wasps watch for wasps you mean wasps and also where did he read it uh have you ever heard anybody say wasps no ever no nobody wasps also the crusty the clown here it's like did he do it for the video or is that like i can't tell if he's really i think he's partly trying to make us laugh he is trying to make us laugh he just got stung by wasps and then he also throws in drink a lot of water it's hot so he's got he's got all kinds of genuinely nice advice going on he's got the croak he's going oh yeah um is that a baby seat in the car seat in the back yeah i think

you're right god damn it all the wrong people are procreating man um yeah i also feel like they stung him really all over yeah his whole face it's crazy to get stung in the face how would you not have the you can't you know i mean bat it away right like as with the wasps comes near you none of that yeah i don't know face like it's got his lips maybe it was a whole reaction yeah and i think i mean he's clearly talking about more than one these are wasps so you know i wish he would have told us how it happened like don't poke a wasps nest a wasps nest has all the wasps nests watch for wasps watch for wasps he's like you know when you make something plural you add a yes always doesn't matter what it is

and their nests is milk comes from causes yeah yeah i get it man it was a good psa that was great um so are you writing on a show now um no are you gonna tour back to oh yeah before that's right before we started recording yes yeah i'm trying to like not hate it yeah yeah it's here's the thing you'll it's so familiar the feeling you have just know there's completely natural and normal that doesn't it honestly does make me feel better i know that like starting over anything sucks it sucks you got to do it yeah um you can riff on old bits to help you generate stuff i think i need to do that a little yeah um go to those like uh you know there's like Jeremiah Watkins has that uh new material show that he does yeah he was

doing it before that it was so fun that's a great show people yell out topics and you just go that's smart i've gotten bits from that before it's pretty cool yeah i think too like we said i've just been being like too precious yeah like what do i want to talk about it's like when back in the day it would just be like talk about something that happened like i may maybe i'd make a whole bit about the guy who was like i forgive you yeah yeah yeah i'd talk about that make something absolutely well some guy just came up to me today and said i forget you start thinking what do you forgive me for like all the things i've done you know whatever you just start building yeah and i think i just been like i said it's just like i've been too precious about it like well what is what are you

saying is that a good enough joke it's not really a joke it's just a story right right and it's like when you have like obviously you've worked hard for your fans or you know like some things are it's like drops in a bucket building people who like what you do it's not going to be everybody yeah sometimes you put out a special that blows up like you and it's like a huge whatever pour of fans into your bucket yeah sorry for this analogy um but when you do get to that point there is a sort of freedom in that you could kind of say anything and they'll love you yeah i mean obviously that's a blessing and a curse and you don't want to be up there looking like an idiot and not have any material whatsoever yes um which is why you got to go do shows that aren't you're not build on

yeah you just kind of show up and you go kind of do some time and you you can find out real quick that like oh that is a solid bit and you know the good like one that you like oh this this works for people who don't even know me and then you're like oh the other one's real horseshit that i was lying to myself they were lying to me about yeah yeah yeah and the audience becomes lust discerning and you're just like guys right like and i think about like how it must affect like the really famous comics um i mean we can see it sometimes yeah sure you can yeah you're like no one's telling them but there is a sweet spot yes yeah but even as like a young comic with la comics dropping in when i first started out here you're just like oh no like it does become a cautionary tale you

can't get on stage and talk about like i don't even want i don't want to call anybody out but just something like like my Range Rover is not working you know to me and people are like cool i have to like shovel shit tomorrow yeah yeah drive there i hope your range gets fixed though yeah so you don't want to like lose touch no which can happen which i almost i feel like that's you're so in control of that i don't really buy how that just happens you let that happen yeah if you're just that you know i mean yeah or some of the posts that like i'm like why are you showing people that why are you showing people that i think you learn over time too i mean like sometimes you make whatever you just like go about life and you see other people doing things and you

can learn from them too we're like you know what your posting goes on the internet you know and i think sometimes you just for it's just a good reminder to be like i don't need to share everything no don't need to share everything yeah but you learn it yourself and then by watching before you're just like i shouldn't be seeing this no or it is a red flag and you're like i should check on this person definitely yeah there's i've had that i've done that before yeah yeah are you okay checked up yeah checked on people mm-hmm based on posts yeah it's true yeah and then there's some people i'm like i should fucking block this person's number after this post yeah but it's true it's like it you've adapted right but you can choose not to adapt and then

like even for example with this special it came out i worked hard on it i'm proud of it it's not how i came up to always have photos be taken of me at shows i'm on have to post my stand up on social media like clips the whole yeah subtitling in them um but if you don't adapt like but but it works is the thing yeah you know and even you with the podcast it's like i could be like when i'm not starting one yeah but it's like it worked you have to just like change and adapt and move forward otherwise you're one of those people who's like how do i do this now that everyone's doing it and you're like scrambling and everyone's like websites you're posting a screenshot of the funny bones website oh man

tell people who are like who resisted so much i know them too yeah you want to change and grow right definitely are you doing a podcast no i had one with my mom for a minute you did with your mom yeah i've done podcasts with my mom it's i know i've seen my god i saw the video of your mom forwarding that's pretty great right it's so long she brings it up sometimes and she's like do you realize that you strip me of all my dignity for you to make your millions you embarrass your your mother you put a fart i'm gonna pee my pants show the world not that i went to no i like that who's unbelievably long you sell this you make your money and you buy me an ipad

i bought my mom an ipad too yeah i put i gave her i engraved on the back in spanish la reina de los pedos which is the queen of the farts which is even with the gift you strip me of my dignity she's so funny she's very funny she's very funny yeah we did when we're my mom and diane and i um i just i thought if i'm gonna start a podcast it feels like pretty late this was like a couple years ago and it should just be like different so i asked mom if she wanted to do it and she was like what's the podcast and she was like sure so it's just me and my mom calling my friends moms so we would call your mom and talk to her oh that'd be great we talked to gg bird's mom you did she's very sweet yeah just to i like it because it's like i love moms and it's fun

talking to their moms fighting on what they were like as kids getting their perspective the podcast sort of changed into like talking to the mom more than learning about the kid yeah but it's still fun anyway you're gonna do another one we did we have 26 episodes out what are you gonna do another like a different podcast i might do one with mo welch she's a comic friend of mine i know that name yeah she's great mo she here she's here yeah we started in chicago together so we've known each other 14 years cool yeah we might do one together i'm excited to go to chicago it's so good i fucking love that city i do too it was a great place to start i bet um you know i only i only did it after i was doing stand-up for a while but like you know there's a few cities when

you're touring that you're like amped to go to yes chicago is always one of them always yeah when i was starting it was like uh kumail and jared logan and um we're like about to move it's out here yeah i remember i remember like when that chicago crew kind of came yeah i bet yeah because it was kumail and tj and bridow and uh and uh pete yes pete they all kind of arrived different months or whatever but yeah all around the same time and you're like all these guys are coming from chicago and hannibal was sort of like and he would sometimes go to new york but he was like the closer to my like he was doing really well when i first came there like he was already the one who was like oh my gosh somebody could make it yeah he was a darling like i remember because

people were just talked like before i ever saw him i heard his name a hundred times people talking about him yeah he got craig furgusson that was like the first big thing and i saw it and i was like this this that was it was so funny he is really really funny that speaking of like when you can see the turn happening when i first got out here like 10 years ago i remember seeing him at meltdown and he he really just said a sentence and the crowd lost it yeah and i was like it it didn't make me mad i wasn't like oh come on i was like this is so cool yeah you're like this person because it is funny how he says that you can watch him say anything and it would be funny but yeah he just said i rented a car and they just because he was telling the story

about how he got that scar from his class he has that that um because it's all part of stand-up too is uh your cadence yeah you know your word choice facial expressions like when people are like what you know you go yeah but it's all part of it like if you can get a laugh from going like this like good for you exactly that's great you know yeah it's true and that's changed over time like i said it's like i look back at some of those videos i'm like cringing like yeah but we all are we all are why are you talking so slow everybody cringes at the earliest if they're worth the shit you know they're total psychos if they're like you want to watch my early sets like they're like okay yeah and ew just bar yeah it's bad it's hard to watch um so if you have not yet seen girl daddy it's on

hbo max it's uh congratulations on that it's a huge accomplishment it should be celebrated proud of you happy for you thank you it's great to see you you too and i hope i get to see you sooner than the time we spent not seeing each other this time which was about a decade best selling thanks for coming thank you for having me thank you it looks so cool she could look more amazed really if you just keep those jeans high and time keep those jeans high and time keep those jeans high and time

keep those jeans high and don't fucking tie hi christina thinks com's a psycho but who really knows bread was for damn sure he's the heart rate master keep those jeans high and time keep those jeans high and time keep those jeans high and time keep those jeans high and don't fucking tie keep those jeans high and so fucking time

yeah you