Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 641 - Jim Gaffigan - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 2, 2022

YMH is making NFT's! And you can get yours RIGHT NOW with an account at https://Jambb.com!  New shows have been added to Tom Segura's I'm Coming Everywhere tour! April 30th in San Francisco, CA, May 7th in North Charleston, SC, and June 18th in Coachella, CA! Get your tickets now at https://tomsegura.com/tour.It's Wednesday mommies, you know what that means! Another episode of Your Mom's House! This week Jeans and Jeans start the show discussing their new fireplace, and the history of Sugar Ray (aka Sugar Gay), and what team they're gonna let each other bang for Valentine's Day. Shortly after, they're joined by Jim Gaffigan, American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and producer. Check out his new Netflix special - Jim Gaffigan: Comedy Monster! Jim and the Jeanses talk about balancing show business and family, trying to raise children to not be cool guys/girls, and most importantly, brown routines. Later, Jim gets introduced to some of Christina's newest TikTok curations, Tom's latest horrible or hilarious clips, and even gets a taste of the world of pup play! Strap in and enjoy this week's episode!

I've added new shows, April 30th in San Francisco, May 7th in North Charleston, South Carolina, and June 18th in Coachella, California. The tickets are all on sale at ThompsonGro.com slash tour. It's here. It's here. Our NFT collection has dropped. This is the only time we've ever done this, and we've partnered with Jam, J-A-M-B-B.

And these are moments from the over 600 episodes of your mom's house are now available for people that want to get into NFTs. I'm excited about NFTs. I think it's an awesome space to get into. And these are, like I said, the most special moments in the history of the show. If you love your mom's house and you're in the NFT world,

this is the meeting of both. This is the marriage you wanted to happen. It's like owning a part of your favorite podcast. Yes, and it's digital art. Of course, you can trade, you can sell. It's like it's a whole new world. It's exciting. We're stepping into it. The collection is dropping now.

So if you don't yet have an account, if you do have an account, either way, you still have to go to Jam, J-A-M-B-B.com. And you can get your own little piece of your mom's house. I'm excited for it, Gene. Me too. Do you have a bidet at home? There is one that kind of spritz water.

How often do you do that? Oh, every time. Really? Every time? You guys are talking a lot about shitting. But... Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. Ready in Chamesh. Arbaa, shalosh, shchetayim.

Shchetayim. Gosh, you're really throwing me off with that. I know. Welcome to the show. Welcome to our fireplace, our fireside chat. It's really nice. It really provides a lot of warmth, this thing, huh? It's very nice.

I love it. You guys used to talk shit to me, because in the old studio, the last one, I would have a space heater under the desk, under my desk. It was terrible, yeah. Yeah, everybody hated me for it. And now, in the new studio, I get a fire right next to me, and it's just fantastic.

It's true. You like that? Much better, right? I'm always hot, and he's always cold. I'm always, like, lower the temperature, and she's like, where's the blanket? Yeah, that's a universal theme. It is.

Yeah. The only part of it I don't get is hot showers. I don't understand how you don't get burned. Like, I step into the shower, and I'm like, holy shit. Like, it's too hot to touch, and you're, like, enjoying it. It feels so good. I also like a sweaty sleep. I love sweating in my sleep, because it gets all the impurities out.

I don't know. I've got high tolerance for that. Yeah, all kinds of fucking wrong ideas. But I'm, my blood is thin, I think, because I'm from California, right? I don't know. That's my theory, is that I'm always cold. I'm, like, in iguana.

I got to be on a heating rock. I only have to be a lizard. Feels good. Yeah, I don't know. Feels good, feels good, feels good. It feels terrible. But you at least understand that I'm not, like, just saying that you touch, you put your hand, you're like, oh my god.

Fire. You're on fire. And I will say, you know, all these years, I've been busting your chops for no cuddling. And then the other night, we were, I was right next to you, and I was like, whoa, you're a fireball right now. So I do understand you go, you do run hot, and our sons do too. So I understand. It's genetic.

Do you think it's because of the natural fur coat that you wear all the time? I don't know. That could be. I'm sure it plays a role. Yeah, but I like a cool room, especially to sleep in. You do. 65. If you could have it as cold as you wanted it.

No, I wouldn't do 65. What would you do? Well, it actually depends on the time of year. Because in the summer, I would go, I like a super cold. So, whatever, 66 or 7 would be awesome. I hate it. But right now, you know, at night, it's in the 30s here. I still want the room to be like 70.

Yeah, and I'm 71, I'm OK with. But then immediately in the morning, I turn it right to 77. And I don't mind that either. I don't mind changing it. But I like to, I have to sleep in a cool room. Yeah, my hands are cold right now. I better warm up the fire. I have to fire.

This is definitely a code violation to have a fire going. Oh, wait, who cares? We're in Texas. Not here. Yeah, that's true. We'll let it slide. We pay our taxes. Yeah.

Hi, May. Hey, May. Hey. Yeah. Hey, well. Hey. Yeah, so, oh, what? I have to do my dates and stuff, too.

Don't forget that. Do you want to do them now? I would love to do them now. This is in February, February 2nd as it goes. I'm at Cap City Comedy Club February 16th. And then I go to Miami, February 25th, 2016. Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot the sound cues.

March 4th and 5th at the Irvine. No, I'm sorry. Yeah, 45th Tampa, Tampa at the Improv. March 9th back in Cap City, May 3rd. One night only. The Regent Theater in Los Angeles, California. And then I go, okay, Irvine Improv, May 20th and 21st. The Borgata Atlantic City, New Jersey, June 4th.

Oh, I'll make it come. Okay. June 5th, Wilbur at Boston. Massive huge tits. That's so gay. At Cristina Fia online. That's so good. Yep.

I like that one. She loves this comedy. Ugh. So. Her love so strong. Her love so strong. Yeah. Oh, that was good.

You did that really well. Thanks. Her love so strong. You want to do the opening clip? I would love to do the moming clip. Let's go, man. The moming. Mega hole.

Moming. That's okay. Who said sugar gap? You fucking ass. Who said that? 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:05,440 Nope. No.

I'm so fucking crazy. You said that? No, I didn't say anything. You ever be smart? Yeah. I'm so kidding. Fuck it. Did I say anything?

Did she say something? No, I did not say anything. You're fucking crazy. You're so crazy. That was never... Hey, Mark. Can I get your other guy back? Oh, man.

No, you can't. You can't. All right, cool. You beat the fucking hell out of that guy right now. Ah, shit. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't ruin the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura. Tom Setsuro. And Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi? Welcome to your mom's house. microwave microwave

microwave Miau, miau, miau, miau, miau, miau, miau, miau event I am so this is an old viral video but I never knew the context of it I didn't know this was old or viral I just saw mark it's mark McGrath that's his name right sugar sugar ray yeah I just want to fly right that guy and then he seems like he's a little ripped a little and he's like fuck you in so this is a very this was a very popular video um years ago

and I never knew like the story I remember him yelling at people which always made me happy yeah um because it continues you know he keeps he gets super tomorrow Bitch No, that was tight so Now I know I Saw this and I just thought I thought the same thing. I was just like dude's drunk and You know something happened not related to this the story goes from this

So outside of club according to him he had been called many times sugar gay and When he hears it here apparently somebody says at the beginning here. He's just snapped So he just that's what that is what prompted the freak out. Yeah, so I was like sugar gay Yeah, he's fucking choke your ass out and he goes to the smallest little Yeah, let's get like yeah He's like, I'm fuck you'll never make it in this business because like, huh, but let's see if you if you can hear it We get excited even I didn't hear it either. I like this

He's like no, I didn't even say that bro. Yeah, he's like 15 this kid who said sugar gay Says like stop calling me daddy though, like once it is very much stop calling me daddy Cuz once you ignore it, so don't call me that now. You're just you're inviting it. You're done now. We're Reigniting this fire Yeah, you can't you can't freak out you just have to roll with it Daddy But apparently since this which was like, you know, I don't know must be a million years. Yeah 15 18 years ago he has embraced sugar gay and

And he now he uses like in a tweet sugar gay all day. No, see that's how you get rid of it Yeah, you gotta own it dude. Good for him. Well, he had quite a nice career Didn't he what didn't he become? I mean, they were very popular Yeah, he ended up being like a TV presenter. Yeah, no, he he did very well He transitioned until like mainstream TV and if this had happened this video now Yeah, dead he'd be dead right for threatening probably like a 15 year old but go to his Whatever his bio 18 years ago, you could threaten someone's life with a million cameras around and it was cool Yeah, now you can't do this shit which sucks

Mark McGrath, there he is 1968 He looks like a real California dude. Yeah, is he a bro? Yeah, it's Newport Beach. There you go homie. Yeah, I just want to fly All right. Oh, so he wait, oh He began his work as a co-host. I didn't realize that right. Is that what it says there? Yes. Oh, no, that's that's sorry That's what it says television career began. Yeah, as a yeah, that's how he started his television career, right right in 2004 Right, okay. Yeah, he did very well like that It's funny because I always thought that sugar gay looked very aggressive like didn't he had the tats

Yeah, it was kind of aggressive and he looked like he could really like sing punk rock And then it was like put your arms around the baby like it was so it didn't match the look Uh-huh You know, yeah, like island boy. It definitely matches the song island girl, you know island girl I'm an island boy. Yeah, okay that guy those guys look with like what they sing But this is this is totally off right like this is the guy more aggro. You're saying yeah He looked he looked like third eye blind or whatever like that era Mm-hmm

And then isn't the music was so poppy and it was like rainbows and kittens and shit and he's covered in Remember I don't remember the music honestly. Oh, okay. Yeah, it was like poppy very catchy very popular. I just remember they were very popular Yeah Yeah, it was it was super sweet everyone like this stuff right sugar gay sugar gay. It's all it takes to make someone fucking lose their shit Sugar gay, but you're probably getting if your popularity starting to wane and you're getting called out all day you probably Yeah, yeah, well, he was kind of gay Shoot, I mean, that's why because it rang true

You see what I mean like he looks like a bad boy and the music was just not bad boy Which is why he could probably segue into a hosting career because he was fairly innocent like He's like the bad boy of like pop, which is probably why they called him. Yeah sugar gay It's a good analysis, I don't know. I'm just trying to fucking figure it out dude. Yeah, it did confound you held up well. No, yeah Dude, yeah There he goes. All right. Well, there you go There you go. That's all that screaming from Hey, so Valentine's Day is coming up. Yeah

You seem thrilled Am I ever thrilled for Valentine's Day? No, we don't generally Celebrate it as a couple. It's just a terrible holiday to go out and battle with the crowds and such I Don't like manufactured Holidays like that. I guess you guys know the the the counterpoint to that is that they're all Manufactured, but I don't like it when it's like a sentiment. No, Jesus was really born. That's right But I mean, you know, I mean when it's like today is the day to express your love I'm like what I don't like Mother's Day for that. It feels fake to Father's Day all that shit

It's like that this isn't you need to make a restaurant reservation for this day And you need to buy chocolates and flowers. It's like, oh, all right. Will you be buying me anything? I hope not Come on. What should we get something something? Oh, should we acknowledge it? I do feel like we have to acknowledge it Acknowledge it how maybe you buy me some flowers or something nice or some the sexy panties or something like you like Okay, Adam and Eve comm promo code mom 20% off a check out plus 10 tantalizing gifts You got it down We could

You want to get like a new dildo? Something fun. Sure. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. I mean I Would do I would do a gang bang You Would let me do a gang bang or you get to do a game I would participate in one for Valentine's Day Oh Meaning I get to have a bunch of dudes and you're one of the guys. No, I'm the guy and there's like six girls Cool, but I'm doing it out of love for Valentine's Day, right?

Who's in your gang bang have you thought about this, you know, I haven't but We're in a new community. So well, I saw you working out this morning. I look your tonal lady Who seemed very attractive? She was covered in tats. Yeah, and you seem to really be into her I seem to be into her during the workout. I don't know. I mean you like her. You like Tina What do you mean? I like her? How do I like her? You like tatted nasty chicks? That's why you wanted me to transform into Tina. Remember. It's not I thought that's why you wanted me to be Tina No

Hey, it's so funny, you know Robert Smith of the cure He's like a goth guy and I remember one time this this girl was another it was a super fan of Robert the same way I was and she was so disappointed to find out that He did not hook up with goth groupies that he only liked to hook up with regular looking chicks like blonde chicks Yeah, and I felt so betrayed by that knowledge You felt betrayed by it. Yeah, cuz I'm like he should only like goth girls cuz he's a goth dude But that's all it's just a facade that what he's into. That's what that's word on the street. Yeah alleged allegedly. Yeah, legibly so I don't know but

You know, I feel like the same thing for you like you would do you like tatted up chicks or not? You know, you made me dress up like Tina. I mean sure. Yeah, I mean look I like Posting You're so gross don't care what package it comes so who's in your gang bang Yeah, I think you know, I think I I would feel like We've got a new start in Texas. So I should have some you know a Texan represented in the gang bang Okay, what do you want? I was thinking like a Cowboys cheerleader or something. Oh like

Maybe somebody on the dance team at University of Texas or something And I was thinking, you know, I want to be progressive. So maybe I don't know like somebody who's Kind of between pronouns or something, you know, oh, that's true. That's a very Austin thing. Yeah, I would do that Yeah, that's very good. I When a real cowgirl a real cowgirl, yeah, I mean, it's three that's already a lot for a guy It's a lot. It's a lot. You said that you're like, I don't know what the appeal is of like 20 chicks It's like, how do you not really? I mean, I really like, you know, one-on-one. It's pretty great

So like I mean to to honestly feels like Alright, yeah, I think it's different. I think I got a girl can handle more guys. Yeah, that would be my thing Yeah, it's like, yeah, I'm proud of myself like how many guys can I handle? You know what I would support for you a gang bang for Valentine's Day is a gang bang with all the cool guys from the show That's really good. Yeah, all the cool guys we got so you could have Well rest in peace to a lot of them, but yeah, you know Joe Joe first in line is Joe He's so eager to be gorgeous. You're beautiful. You can smoke meth with meth guy. You could have Irish drunk guy

Yeah, you could have him do you think you could even get an erection though. No, but still he's there a lot of these guys Can't get erections. Yeah, probably messed up. Yeah, I mean Struggle What's this called? You could really have a good time with tit cups. Oh, yeah, he likes he likes girls. Yeah Yeah, I could do I could do norm. That's true and on shine. Yeah, he's already a fan of me Christine. Yeah. Hey, Christine Yeah, there you go. I was thinking of Puerto Ricans. Are there any There's none on our teams of Puerto Ricans teams like the Puerto Ricans going teams sure in any sport Yeah, there's the Puerto Rican national basketball team. Really? Sure. I didn't know that why don't you pull them up?

I didn't know that. Let's see who's in my gang bang. I Mean you're putting this out there They already know I love Puerto Ricans. Yeah Yeah, I didn't know there was basketball that's Puerto Rican basketball players We go oh my god, oh my god, it's just like I'm sorry Tom I

Make that large Wow Yeah, there you go grass kingdoms again with Patty is googling there we go. There's my gang bang right there, babe That's the national I mean you realize there is a real world possibility that this could happen now that you're putting it out there Sure All the Puerto Ricans you could handle for sure. Oh My god, I don't like that guy's beard. It's stupid. We'll get used to it That's what you see in Puerto Rico a lot of stupid beards

Remember when we did go to Puerto Rico. Yeah And there were so many sexual towels in all of the gift shops. It was hyper sexual Look at stare at your gang bang for a second Because I'm totally picturing how this goes. How does it go super aggressive? Does the coach get to come in too on the red shirt, I mean he could direct You know Keep people at bay. Hey, you get your turn. Don't worry I

Mean that's a lot. That's a lot to handle. How would you do it? Would you do um six? That's 12. Yeah. Now. Would you have them get in a line? Oh my god. I don't know. Well, here Let me give you the idea There's so there's you right and then you know number five is let's say first right and then when he's done It's like alright 11. You're up. That's one way or do you want like to be surrounded and then people are just jumping in And out but it like less of a line the line is like you're done next Or you can do so traumatized already. I don't think I can go through with this one two three four I'm so traumatized and then they just kind of tap out. You're done. You know, I mean like you switch places like that

So there's more activity at once or one at a time It's Valentine's Day like I Honestly, I think it'd be better for it to just be a flurry of fast come and then like I'm done. I'm drunk I'm high. I'm out of it. Oh, I have to do heroin or something beforehand heroin. I don't know something drugs I'd have to do drugs. You can't do that sober. Who does this gangbang sober? A lot of the pros do I think another pros I'm not a pro. Yeah, I'm scared of all these guys. These guys are too big. You know what? I change it back cool guys I want it back to the cool. We're about just a smaller national team. I mean you chose basketball

Right. How about the Puerto Rican national soccer team? We'll be a little smaller guys. Yeah, okay Let's look at the soccer guys. Honestly, they're probably better looking the soccer players are always like, you know The good-looking guys is that right not always but you know, I mean, okay Let's see No, they are shorter. You're way shorter. Yeah, those big guys kind of these are like normal-sized dudes But the basketball players are gonna be like six six six ten towering over. Yeah. Yeah, and their dicks kind of match if you know Yeah, that would be scary. Yeah. No, you're right. You're right. I should go to get this soccer team. Here you go Yeah, yeah, these guys are way sweeter. Oh, they're so little. I don't know these kids are like teenagers Tommy

I can't do this Here I am trying to give you the greatest gift for Valentine's Day and you're just spitting in my face Okay Let's pull up Okay, let's pull up the Cowboys current cheerleading squad. Oh Yeah, what a bunch of dogs. Well, I don't know babe. I haven't seen these two. They're not dogs. You don't know that They're never dogs cheerleaders. They're always pretty. Let's see Yeah, but no brunettes, right babe. Let's see what we got here

Yeah, I want a bunch of pigs gross Wolf right babe, you know what I would say if these girls were like hey Tom, I bet I can make you come You know what I would say? Prove it Prove it. You just throw something at me. That's so rude I Be like I bet you 12 can't make me well let oh stop Let's see if they line them up by like the hottest chicks in the middle

They had to have right like the girl with the biggest cans there How do they like how do I definitely go towards the middle right? Yeah, look at it You're like middle so you know if you got buried in that back row. They're not And you know that Jerry Jones is probably like can we get more blonde and they're like, ah, here's the thing You gotta have a little diversity like that's too bad. Well, all right Can't get any more blonde Mr. Jones you already have eight It is Texas though y'all might do love their blondes, you know, I don't really like a small titties

To make sure they all have big titties. Oh Yeah, you should have to have big tits to be a trillier, right? You can't have no hungry titties and be a Dallas cowboy trillier One time my boss of mine told me like Christina guys just like to watch boobs bounce That's true. Any boobs bounce. So here's the thing guys like any any type That's the that's you know, there's these guys that yeah, I have to drug it but the truth is Just any tip. I don't care. I don't write but those uniforms. They you must have bigger ones

To lend it sure sure, but I'm just saying in general. Yeah, don't care. Don't care. Just small medium large Yeah, same thing with like hey, what's your preference for like any type of vagina? It's like I don't care I don't care what the hair looks like on it. I don't care what It's normal, but you know what the labia is like. I just want to be inside. Okay, baby. No, thanks. Just want to finish Okie-dokie Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun Can I show you what I I found an article on BuzzFeed the other day about Joel Osteen. Can you please bring it up? Yeah. Yeah

So, you know BuzzFeed they always have these silly articles like top 10 Most inappropriate things set on a talk show and it gets you to click because it's ridiculous or yeah Can you believe these sexist comments? Okay. Oh my gosh. So this was an article about Who's the rudest and who's the nicest celebrities that go into real? Retail shops, which I think is funny. It's very important that celebra our celebrities be nice Which I don't know what that's about but people like nice celebrities So apparently our boy Joel Osteen made the naughty list He really got called the worst POS on this list

It says the televangelist Joel Osteen came to a book signing in our store We'd had numerous authors and musicians before but no one was as bad as he was he was rude to every customer He made outrageous demands of our store staff and forced us to call the local police to quote protect him Absolutely. No one cared. He was there and no one approached him He was the biggest diva ever. Yeah. Wow. And I mean this list had like, you know all kinds of folks on there But that was by far the most scathing thing that somebody said about Joel Osteen. Yeah, I can't believe it The guy that gave us the inspiration cube Unreal

Yeah, he had asked them to that's the best part he like And they're like, yeah, this way right here. Yeah, and he waited and shit. Take care folks So good so good All right, we should take a quick break. Okay, we're back in a moment with our guest cool We are back with a repeat guest who You can see now on Netflix with his latest special comedy monster. It's Jim Gaffigan African thank you guys Thanks for coming back. Yeah, thanks for having me to our new location. Oh my gosh, it's amazing

There's no coffee, but there's a lot of other things. It's it's amazing. I you know, I'm sure there's a story for everything in this room It's it's exciting to be here and I look at you guys as this couple that are doing this together When's I guess my first question is when's the divorce Like that's it's one of those things where you love each other because you appreciate each other's talents, right? But you know it reaches a time where you're like, you know what we should probably get divorced or I'm gonna murder you Yeah, we do too much together. I worked on a show with my wife. She's an amazing brilliant person, but Um, that was hard. It's it's it's taxing on a relationship every day, Jim but what's more important your relationship for the show obviously the show the show but

The relationship doesn't generate revenue Jim, right? Love doesn't pay the bills It is, you know, it's just it's a strange Navigation through this I know I like it. I don't know how Tom feels, but I Enjoy it for the most part To keep his path easy. I know, you know, I do. I'm sure he puts up with me But it's you've got two young kids. Yeah, you realize It's gonna get so much harder. Like I just want you to know I have older children You you probably think that you're tired. You're not tired. It's this is not tired

When your children get older Not only I mean, here's the amazing thing I have five kids people assume because I have five kids that I would be good at it Which is kind of like assuming people with lots of cats are not crazy Right, I am not good at it and I'm starting to think that I don't think that we as parents have any influence Yeah, I think is it nature and nurture. I don't know that you think that because in a way They just are what you mean like they are just how they are right like you just I mean How many times have you told your kids to sit at the table properly? Yeah

It doesn't matter the one who does that properly was gonna sit that way anyway. Yes, that's so true Yeah, and you know and I think that's the great bet of being a parent. It's like There is a possibility that your children will grow up and be serial killers Right, that's something to look forward to Five shots I have five shots. I've got one that's graduating high school. I'm going one for five So I'm kind of like 200 average, you know, that's that might be the only one that graduates That could be the only one that graduates. I hope not Yeah, remember when you were a kid and you'd hear about like people having kids

And the kids were crazy and you're like, wow, they just must suck at parenting. Yeah. Now. I know it's like Yeah, I think we have any control a lot of times till you see the crazy kid and sometimes you knew The family, you know or the parents and the other siblings you like now that that kid was just out of its fucking mind Yeah, I'm sure Jeffrey Dalmer's parents were decent people decent people. Sure, right? Well, the other the flip side of that is true too people that have horrendous parents can often be like the coolest people I was like, how is that? Yeah, because you go how come you're not on here. You're not an asshole with your right No, thank God for that though. This is just turning into a commercial

You know what happened by the way, you'll like this what so Jim and I went to the bathroom together We got back and guess what happened when I got back. Why I remembered that I had to shit. You're kidding. Oh my gosh That's amazing. How many times a day? Lately it's been really good. Well, that's it depends on your healthy eating, right? Well, yeah, and I finally If people knew how fat I was when I said that It depends on your healthy eating Stopped eating eggs and I've been eating eggs every day for I don't know how many years and now my hold that just System changed. I think I was a I think I was having a

Reaction and I was just like no, this is just what happens every day people just have this happen Yeah, no, there's a good amount of like when I use the bathroom. Yeah, like My wife thinks I'm in there like reading looking at my phone. I'm in there clean enough Yeah, it's like it's a lot of work that's going on after I use the bathroom Two guys just convinced me like they they were writing me so hard about they go you don't travel. They were writing. Well, yeah That's none of my business about wipes About why you don't travel with with baby wipes and I was like, right? No Who who who's who so do you travel with baby wipes now?

I well if I if I go through that the airport and I see one of those You know like kiosks one of those stores with the water and the mag I'll stop in there and I'm like and if I remember I'm like you baby wipes They'll sell like a a packet of 16 for like nine. It has like a baby on the front There's a baby and I'm like it's for my there's like a baby and then Tom's a girl Yeah, and then you realize to the what a difference. Oh, yeah, it is a game changer It is really and you don't think about the pipes because you're like I'm at the airport They got strong pressure here

Yeah But the danger comes in the hotel when you use the wipes because I blocked the toilet up a few times doing that and then You have to ask for the plunger. It's a very embarrassing. You have to blame Tom. Oh, yeah Do you have a bidet at home? I? There is one that kind of spritz water How often do you do that? Oh every time really every time you guys are talking a lot about shitting, but No, but But so like I look at you guys you guys seem very healthy

Like a during the pandemic. I was pretty healthy. I lost a lot of weight finally I gained a parent thing But the it really depends on the healthy living thing, right like I usually Before I go on stage. I'll drop one. That's my really on the street. That's what we call But When do you guys drop one? Oh, I mean, I'm pretty much three or four times a day. I'm clockwork I'm definitely gonna drop one every morning. Yeah, pretty much But an hour after I wake up. Yeah after coffee after coffee. That's mine, too Just right usually I usually I'll have to a day to a day. Yeah, usually and and

Christina one a day one. I got a lady. I might add yeah, I take a dump and then I work out I haven't taken a dump and you work out because I can't work out on a full tank because the whole time I'm like, this is so uncomfortable. Yeah, you know, it's like, yeah, well, what do you do? You sound like you just I'm kind of a wild card. Yeah, I'm a wild card It depends It depends when how healthy I'm eating like if I'm eating healthy Which I've done like maybe once in the past 30 years No, but like during the pandemic

I was like only in the morning and I was like this is so weird But that's when I wasn't eating bread and I was off sugar. Yeah, I'm still I'm just so taken aback by the fact that You're not fully embracing that warm spray of water right up your hoo-ha. Yeah, clean you up It's so great. Well, it depends also. I'm it depends Where I drop that's how on the street. That's how we call us what you call it the I will drop It depends if there's first of all, it's You know where I'm going, you know, I mean sure like in our kind of office area You know, I live in an apartment in New York City. So there's not really I'm usually if I'm gonna drop

I don't want I don't want anyone. It's like Chernobyl. I don't want anyone around. Yeah I don't want to like damage the foliage in a certain area so But yeah, so in our our master Bedroom we have that we have a version of it. Okay And is your are you and your wife open about dropping or are you guys hiding it? It's not I talk a little bit about it in Comedy Monster about how

Going to the bathroom like the reason I do a cleanup job is because if you don't do a cleanup job You know, you ruin it for for a lot of people Yeah, yeah, so I learned that that's part of growing up. That is that's wonderful. That's very well. Yeah Where did you shoot Comedy Monster? In Minneapolis. Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. Oh Minneapolis. Yeah, it's a great company. Oh my gosh great comedy town Yeah, right. Yes, and yeah, it was I mean it was It's you know, but it's like the pandemic has been rough to Minneapolis. Yeah, it's like we you know I got done I went out with my manager my age and there's like not much open really

Yeah, which was sad because that's a great city. It is it's it's one of those cities that I think people who don't Travel that much. They just have their own preconceived notion of what Minnesota is like Yeah, and you tell them like no, this is a pretty like cosmopolitan city with oh, it's a great offers And they're like what like they don't get it that it really offers a lot. Yeah, I mean I I mean that's I love traveling I mean I complained about it, but yeah, I love going to these Different small towns on a bus tour. It's they'll surprise you. I mean sometimes you're just like wow Yeah, I can't believe you guys haven't killed yourself. Yeah, but then there's a lot of towns that there's a unique charm And yeah, you really get it

Yeah, yeah, you because you'll still you'll play everywhere, right? Yeah. Yeah Yeah, I'm just are you are you back already with? Yeah, I've got stuff coming up in February because I had to I'm sure you guys had to I had to reschedule everything like three times. So my fourth quarter or you know November and October and December were insane. Yeah, I was like gone constantly. So I intentionally didn't do anything during January and Then I have some I start up more or less in March And do you like I was thinking about this like your old your oldest is gonna graduate high school. Yeah, she is it is she right? Yeah, fully grasps then like who you are like, yeah, sure. Yeah, and enjoys it. I

Mean, yeah, I would say I mean she's again one for five like She she's kind of She's she's an old soul like she is she's the most mature in the family Like if you look at like you guys have a three and a six year old Yeah, there's gonna come a point where it's like you're like, oh one of these kids This is the this is the adult of the group because we're comedians right work centric folks. So Yeah, she's kind of a mature old soul like she

Does not she's you know Like I mean, there's a whole generation like this where like college. She's just like I certainly don't want to go to a party school And I'm like, all right Okay Sounds good. Yeah, but there's been a shift, right? There's a generational shift where I almost feel as though Some of the social justice stuff is their alcohol Yeah, oh, yeah, like you're a man. It's like they they're who can be the most Not you know what I mean moral who's they're Puritans in a weird way

It's like back in our day. There was like nerds and cool people Yeah, and jocks and you partied and you fucks and you had a good time. They don't have fun, right? Well, I think they have their own kind of fun. Yeah, it's like, you know touring colleges. It's like nerd It's just it's a different kind of thing but then again, we you know, like look You know, you guys are married your adults You might have fun every now and then like our old version of fun But that's that's not the standard of fun. You can engage in now. Well, what's fun? Look, what are they doing like reading the Bible? No, they're like

I don't know. I don't talk to them. Yeah, but no, they're their version of fun is No, she's in the musicals. They write songs. They say they sit at the piano. It's like they're from the 1830s They sit at the piano and play and make a song. Yeah. Yeah, that's very sweet. That is sweet. It's amazing But that's what you want your 17 year old daughter to be. Yeah. Yeah, but it's just the role of the dice She just came out like that. I think she did. Yeah, I think she just came out like that. I do not take any credit at all Yeah, yeah, his next kid's gonna be doing fucking flips off about yeah it's just I don't know if he has the energy to do that

What if I just ripped into all my kids during the whole contest be great Here's what sucks about you. Do you do you feel? Responsibility to not talk about your kids like Individually, obviously, I understand that you what you guys do It's like you guys it fully embrace the fact that your parents But do you sit there and go my six year old did this or that or do you sit there and go? I'm not gonna do that like when you post a photo. Do you put us? A peach over their face never posted a photo never posted

And why is that? I've just never cuz you don't love them Yeah, you you don't like them. You're embarrassed to admit You just kind of set a boundary where you're like you're not gonna do that. Yeah, I just early on I was just like I'm not gonna Care about that care about them that much. I'm not gonna let no it is it is this strange thing because I do think that I Appreciate both sides of it, but I do love when people are like I'm I would never Expose my children to any of this stuff. I'm like you have stand-up about Eating ass. So like there is like right there. It's I think a big part of it is though the lane That you're kind of in we're like people you've talked about your family. You've been a family guy

I know and I feel like your fans are like, oh, it's Jim's family and We before we had kids. It was just all this chaos Crazy internet this guy's shitting in someone's mouth. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're like, you know, this lane is not like here's my kid It's not on brand So I don't know Yeah, I don't know I do think about that like what's gonna happen when they watch this show and this and that I mean I don't know on the other hand I feel like they know us and we're already

Maniacs like we're not prudes at home. That's not to say we talk about sex or anything But we joke with them on a level, right? Like the show show me your B-hole our Ellis will open his asshole and be like look at my ass look at my eyes and he's not taught though It's not a top. It's not taught either. That's genetics, but like we don't go. Oh, that's my kids I have five kids. None of them have done that This kid comes in my room and goes Tom He calls you Tom. Yeah, what and he goes smell my ass. Yeah, and he spreads his cheeks. I go, please cover that up

All right, this is good coffee None of your kids did that out of five. No, but like they're my guy. I mean there, you know, the boys are filthy like yeah they just The idea of flushing a toilet is just never crossed their minds. That's crazy, right? Never crossed their mind. I bring it up to him every night Every night lift up the seat. They're like and I'm lazy So I understand like hey, I don't have the energy to lift up the seat either But I also don't want to sit on pee. Yeah, so it's like come on man. They pee on the seats all the time

I mean, they're they're little so I get but So we do you have a new pee effect Yeah, I do you gotta you gotta give him the origin of this first. So I had this epiphany I forget which was the first one. Oh, I didn't dry myself off properly for like 42 years I would get out of the shower and then just kind of hurriedly wrap the towel around me pep-pep-hat And then I would get angry when I would pull up like my pants and they would stick to my legs Cuz she was still wet from the shower, right you but okay, I mean I realized you don't you don't have to do that Right are you in a hurry? Yes, and I'm anxious and it's all these little things like at one point

We had one phone charger between the two of us like and then all of a sudden one day. We were like you can buy another Now we call them Pajitski effects. Yes, where you realize oh you can do it better You don't have to suffer like you can just do things better or little things like so I've realized Okay, here's the one I realized like you just say something your whole life, and you don't know what the hell it means Yes, what is am and p.m? 7 a.m. 7 p.m. What is that all morning right past morning? Right you're a whole life you've said that I know and you're like what's that do you look it up? I sure did and anti meridian and

Post meridian right so before the meridian line of the earth or whatever and then the Sun goes past that and now you're Pass that so post meridian. I think it is Okay, I didn't know that That translates to before midday Right before the Sun has crossed the meridian line p.m. Since we're post or after midday the Sun has crossed the meridian line Wow Yeah, it's amazing. Yeah, but when we learn that when do you think the world's ending like do you think it's like Like do you think it's like are we in the next is it in the next ten years? I think we actually will get to see the beginning of the real decline and then it'll be real sad for our kids

Yeah, for our kids like it's gonna be your thing. It's sorry No, there is something like I mean not to be political, but like the voting rights thing Yeah, is that like I'm like bats. I would think black people would be like I'm angry about that. I'd like to vote so I'm gonna do something about it, but So like I think that's gonna be an issue, right, right probably yeah, and I think when people do not have representation The people are gonna be kind of pissed. It could get it could get uglier than it has been yeah, right? Or is it gonna be fine? And you know the global warming it doesn't feel like

Yeah, I don't know. I think it's kind of like climate change is definitely gonna be one of those things where there's gonna be that that real Holy shit level event where they'll be like, hey, you know New York City flooded or something like that and then people are gonna go like this shit really is real, huh? Like yeah, we're what's done though and then a month later a month later people are gonna be like, you know what? It's not that bad. Yeah, everyone's boats. You can't get on boat. You know what? It's like Venice now Yeah getting your canoe and just fucking go down 5th Avenue. Yeah, I do think we're at the end of an era Like we're we're witnessing the turn of the century. This is an unprecedented level of technology in the last 50 years, right? Right in your lifetime in my lifetime

Hasn't it just been like bananas? It's insane a phone this computer that I watch movies on and send text messages with this Did this was inconceivable when I was born in 1976? So this is probably like we're in a decline rise in a decline. Yeah, and just also People's anger has come to a like a boiling point over the look where you know when you go the last few years and The way people just hate each other so much now you're like something's gonna happen. Something's gonna. Yeah, there's gonna be It's almost like people would storm the Capitol. Yeah It's like I bet you in our lifetime What if I didn't know that what a lifetime there would be like political supporters of one party would just take over the Capitol

I mean that would probably that would be the wake-up call people would be like, all right now We got to figure this out people wouldn't be like, you know what it was just a tourist visit Yeah, they would be like we got to talk about this This is a real issue and you know what I realized too. I was watching a documentary about George Bushy the little one during 9-11 a little bit And what he did every minute of basically the day of September 11th when it happened Yeah, and it was fascinating to see how fucking human and Inept everything is for instance in the war room bunker the fucking war room bunker

They're like well, we didn't have much oxygen in the room So people had to leave and take turns there was too much co2 in the room They didn't have capability to have audio and video at the same time on the news screens They were watching the news and by the way when the shit hit the fan September 11th You know how the government got their information The news the same fucking place you were getting it from like you think that they have some special thing They don't oh, and then they went to air when they were in Air Force one GW. I was flying around to avoid being attacked They couldn't communicate he couldn't communicate with the vice president because the phones weren't working like in the White House

Like shit like that where you're like you guys can't even get that together Well, you know, it's weird from my perspective the weird thing about having lived through 9-eleven and having caused it I remember when 9-eleven happened and Bush was like everyone looked at W and we were like Uh-oh, he's not the right guy for the job. Yeah, and I thought that and everyone was like, oh Okay, like he's I'm not saying he's dumb. I'm not he's just probably not the right person. We should have it in there Yeah, have in there and then like what we took from that is nothing. Yeah, nothing. It's just like it doesn't matter

It doesn't matter but also, I mean even the When the pandemic happened, I also thought so much about how You don't get taken care of no that really happens because I think you always Sort of assume something really bad have especially we live in this country. Yeah, and you know We have the most resources and the most I don't like They'll just know what to do and you live through that whole year and you're like, oh, nobody knows what to do Yeah, or how to take they're just like, well, you know, hopefully you wear this mask or something

I don't know don't touch them and then that was like, oh my god, like that's how they that's really how they take care of it Hospitals are overrun and like, I don't know. They're like, we're just gonna move the homeless over here And I don't know man. It sucks. And I'm like, that's the government. That's the government. Yeah, I never really thought of it that way Yeah, I didn't really either Yeah, I trusted them I had faith in the people and now I'm like, you know, it's like those people that were in student council You're like, they seem sincere. Yeah Yeah, they wanted to do that. But then you realize you want to be class president go ahead If you realize those people just have real big egos on them, you know, yeah

That's who ends up being in charge as adults too as the people we say that as three people that go on stage and demand They're weirdos those people that need approval from strangers Unlike us when we go up and we we're the only ones with a microphone and everyone else can't talk. It's up through laughter They're weird Oh, what are we gonna do? What all right, so let's talk about your comedy goals. Okay There's nothing more rewarding than stand-up comedy. No, right? It's and so like it is incredibly rewarding, but how do you balance it with this? Empire you guys have created. Do you know what I mean? It's it's a juggling act, right? Do you sit there and you go?

You go, hey We're gonna we're gonna keep riding this and you know you as parents you have to make the The the best decision at that moment. It's just like people are like is there a plan? You're like, yeah, there's kind of a plan But uh, it's it's hard with stand-up, right? Yeah, yeah, what do you mean you want to take this? No, go ahead Are you asking how we do it all? Well, I'm yeah, I'm also like do you sit there and you go? I'm only like I did this where I was like I'm only touring for two weeks Two weekends a month. Do you guys do that? That's what I do. So I

Have significantly decreased the amount that I go out to be with our children more and then all money bags here He gets to go out and tour a lot more aggressively and just take out an enormous rake Yeah, pull in gobs of cash. Yes, which he donates. Of course, of course, of course Yes, and do you guys because you know, I did shows in florida with my family and I've talked to other comedians about this and they're like You know like the parenting responsibility It's like any job and parenting is difficult like when they talk about bringing your kids to work day It's a real bad idea for a parent. It's like if you want to get anything done at work

Yeah, so like do you guys so like At christmas. Do you sit there and go all right? Tom and Christina are gonna do shows in florida. We're all gonna go there. We're gonna rent a house for a month. Do you do that? Yes, yeah, yeah, especially that holiday time for sure. Yeah Um, but it it dude it is like you realize you're fortunate, right? Like you're fortunate But it it can be overwhelming the yeah, I'm saying doing all like these shows doing the road Yeah, you have to have it all so Detailed, you know and you have to adjust constantly. You have to sit there and go. All right. We bit off too much

All right This is this is not as creatively fulfilling. I have to I have to do more stand-up. You know, I mean, so it's just this It's just uh, can you do you do a lot of acting gigs? I know and those and like you get a lot of fulfillment out of that But it's nothing's quite the same as the stand-up though. Well, it's a different it's a different thing I mean, I you know, I did like I had this run in seattle of like

five days and it's Just doing shows and by the way when I travel without my family. I don't even leave my hotel room. No matter the way and I just sit there and I Write and kind of veg and that's when I come up with my stuff. Like I can't really write at home. Yeah Well, of course who can with kids screaming. That's why I love it. I go out for like two days three days And then I just I sleep all day all day order food room service. Yeah Nobody asks me for a fucking thing for like 48 hours and then come back and I'm happy and I'm thrilled It's why I think it's why people play golf. I think people don't even like golf

I think they're just like I gotta get out. Yeah, it's like it's the dad move especially like the prior generation They didn't have anything to escape to really. They were just like golf trip. Yeah. No, we go we golf every saturday Yeah, and then yeah, that was like how Like my father's generation That's what they all did and then you realize you're like are any of these guys even good at golf They should be experts right now and jesus these guys are all just like drinking and they're just hanging out Trying to and then they get their steps in What does your wife do she's still working with you you guys?

It's you know, it's ongoing. It's ever shifting now. She's kind of working on I mean, it's crazy, but like so she wrote this book. She had a brain tumor. She wrote a book And now there's talk of like possibly turning it into a musical. Oh my gosh. How cool and so it's like there's she was approached So there's that She's also doing Uh, she started this organization with my Teenagers called the imagine society like by the way during the pandemic We were like

essentially just Doing fundraising things because we were with our kids and we're like, all right. You guys are gonna work Even if it's virtually so we did this Always kind of these volunteer things and it's because you don't want your kids to be douchebags. That's right and um Because kids are inherently douchebags. You have to undouchebag them. Yeah, civilize the savages undouche them undouche them Yeah, yeah, and how do you do that by the way? I don't know No, but I think it's well my wife is uh these organizations. It's just You know, it's like look as comedians we're children too, right? So it's like getting uh ourselves to stop thinking of ourselves

And so I think that some of the volunteer stuff That we do you know, I mean, so it's It's that and uh, you know, but I think the creative process is pretty important. I wish I could Give my children I enjoy work You know, I want to give them that and I don't know how you force them to have jobs super young, right? I think so my parents I worked since I was 13 And that that whole thing I don't want them going into prostitution. Yeah, that's I mean like you I mean the hungarians do that

And then I gotta tell you this it's they're really good at it. Yeah, they're really Do the best grandparent your your grandparents killed Louis C. K.'s grandparents. Is that true? Yes, 100% 100% um I think working early Helped me go like, oh, okay. I got it. But I also enjoyed it I like the freedom of that and and that my parents trusted me to do that

You know, I don't I think you need a job early so you can suck at it for someone. Yeah You suck at this. You need a grunt job too. Yeah, like my first job One of them was doing like working for this my friend's Parents had a furniture store and they're you're just like they just have us move furniture all day like this Sucks man, but it's like grunt work, you know, you're sweating and wouldn't it be great if I was like, yeah Like in my family, I was moving my dad's gold bars from one room It was I mean, I did like one a day and why supervise this guy Steve do it But it was so hard. So hard. I literally was so tired

Literally I clean my daddy's Yeah, those those jobs those set those set you straight. I had a construction job when I was 18 Yeah, I had construction. Yeah, I worked in a grocery store. Yeah one summer. I couldn't get a job And my dad made me be a candy striper in a hospital. That's the worst. No Oh, how do you do? What is that involved? That was like you deliver flowers. You deliver medications, but you're just running You know, it's like you and some 70 year old lady Good and so if there were it was a good hang

God We used to do christian service hours in catholic school You had to do like 20 hours a semester and I had to like do old folks homes or feed the homeless at five in the morning On a saturday. That was pretty brutal But the best was working for my dad and his forklift shop when I was 14 Answering phones and answering questions about pallet jacks and shit that I had no idea about That's that was a rough environment, especially for a girl. Like it's greasy. It's dirty There's like these creepy romanian guys that work for my dad. I always imagine your parents like so your parents were hungarians

Yeah, like it's this in this movie and then people show up and they arrest your dad for being like a prison guard in Auschwitz That could definitely And then your dad's like don't Daddy, what did you do? Following orders, but I think your parents were like revolutionaries, weren't they? No, they just escaped communism. They just didn't like being told what to do So they were like fuck this and they left when they were like 20 21 years old Wow

That's pretty impressive. Yeah, pretty right. It would actually imagine. What were you doing? They went to and they went to an internment camp in italy for like a year. Oh my god, but like the food in Italy Oh my god, I've never been there ravioli every night An internment camp. What were they like what was refugees? Refugees the Italians were like what are we gonna do with all these fucking hongos and they used to throw them in a camp and then But it turns out um somebody I just met somebody He was in the same camp as my parents. Sorry. They were like, oh, what are we going to do?

Among the man, so they snuck out before the before they cut right? Yeah, they snuck out when the commies were in control the russians had annexed all of central and eastern europe Oh, yeah, and now, uh, hungry is like, uh, you know, uh, just essentially a dictatorship How dare you it is, right? No, they Kind of but they like it that way. They like it that way. I'm being serious. They really like it their way Following the party line here. That's the good. Yeah, the hungarians like it's so fascinating Like first of all the hungarians world war one the germans were like, hey, you're with us, right? No, you got it

They got there asking then world war two the germans are like you with us not great and they're like you got it They really weren't they have a lot of juice They have like the most they have like almost no illegal immigration because they have gone up with like fences and guns Yeah, no that guy who runs hungry who's and then they're like we don't want is they're like we don't want you here Yeah, and we also we speak hungarian. Yeah, we do hungarian shit So if you're not on board with that get the fuck out of here, but the hungarians themselves Demographically we're like the real hungarians were wiped out by the huns. So that's right They're they're a mix a fragment of a lot of people the mongols and the huns

That's where we are tribal people. So the the mix of the language is bananas. You are crazy My yard my close. Yeah. There you go. I was I performed in budapest. Yeah I haven't done it yet And then there's that drink you drink Polinka. Yeah, I think that language is wild. I know it's I can't believe your dad killed louis I know it's so weird, right? So fucked up. So Jim. That's not funny I wish I was interesting You are you're I'm not true americana though. You're trash. No, I'm nothing you're true american

I did that finding your roots thing and essentially my ancestors Both sides my moms and my dad sides because they were catholic. They were just like Torture. Yeah, isn't that amazing? That's so weird. I mean, it's nothing compared to slavery or what your dad did to louisie case It's Jim this has been a very weird one um But they were catholic they were catholic in Ireland in ireland and they one of them was in main And they they tarred and feathered a priest there. So they're like, let's get out of here

They went to the most western part of the uh, where americans were settled, which was called Iowa and then my father's side They uh, they did research and they were the coal miners and then they They uh Went to the the they escaped the coal mines and moved to beautiful springfield, Illinois. Really? Yeah, so that is so american Right mining and iowa and stuff like that. And this was the the pbs show. Yeah. Yeah, you did that. That's cool That's what trump is protected

I'm joking jim. Don't talk about that. We don't talk about that stuff on our show do it Um, you know mine, so what would you say the viewer or the listener? Of this show is like and i'm about to give your home address what is What would you say they're like are they usually parents? Sometimes there's a good number of parents. There's a good number. Yeah, and it's worldwide like so you guys Uh leans mail mail. Yeah mail mostly, but can I tell you though? I feel like it's been it can be anywhere from i've been in in um Uh pharmacies where like the guy is stalking the sodas and he's going

I'm listening to you right now and that's his job and then i've done shows where it's the heart surgeon Who's like, I love your mom's like you like we were in florida And like an older couple like a dignified looking american older couple. They were like mommy So it's everywhere. Is there one male driven though mostly male driven male driven lots of behavioral problems Is there one international Cheese, you know because I I love doing international shows and i'm so jealous that you speak spanish That oh, I started to do that. I know I love that. That's so brilliant But like is there one international you're like, oh my god, we're huge in england

Well, in england england is is these I mean can it's it's all like You know the biggest markets are the english-speaking markets, but you yeah, you find surprises too You know, um, but you know, australia has a good audience Canada the uk has a good audience too So um finland Yeah, finland's amazing comedy market and they're a good audience and sweden has a great comic market. Yeah Um Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I've always been surprised when you see those the demo broken down. Oh, that's so fun

It's so amazing that now you can just do this show in the world I remember I used to ship out packages early in the show stamps.com type the microphone at the top of the homepage type in mom and When I used to do our packages, you know send them out and um, it would be from everywhere Estonia one time I would fart in the jar. I would fart in the jar. That's right. And I stopped I had to stop doing that I got hospitalized Would send out packages and estonia. That was the most the weirdest one You know what's kind of fascinating though about the spanish-speaking thing. Yeah promoter came to one of the spanish shows

I did here. Yeah, and he goes, you know, we'd love to have you in mexico city Yeah, and I said, oh, I'd love to go and he goes just so you know if we announce a You doing a spanish show You can expect probably to sell like Uh, I don't know three to five hundred tickets And if you announce that where you're going to do an english-speaking show, you'll do multiple theaters I was like, what? Wow. Why? He goes because they know you as an english-speaking act. So that's how they want to see you

Oh, that's interesting. I was like, oh, yeah, I'm I'm performing in mexico city going home To uh, I'm to see louis eke's dad to see louis eke's dad who christina's dad tried to kiss Um, I No, I'm doing a show in march there. So I'm super excited. Oh, cool. But like so you guys Can literally maybe you've already done this and I don't know you can take the Take the boys. You can go to australia for a month. Mm-hmm That's amazing. That would be cool. We're gonna do that too, right? Well, I don't know if I I mean, I don't know if I'd be able to I mean, I've done it

Yeah, but it's not like I would make money doing it. I would you could go do shows I've done shows, but it's not like The like you guys could go there and you could make money Doing yeah, hopefully I mean, I love doing international shows. I don't see it as like, but wait, what do you mean? I don't understand what you mean because you make you make money doing the shows too But you know, uh, no like when I do shows in australia I mean, first of all, it costs a million dollars to fly and so, uh, but you know, like I might sell

Uh, you know one or two nights in sydney and uh, but not like I'm covering the cost of Seven flights to australia. Oh, right. Yeah, but I've done it just so that I can yeah have the experience and Bring the kids there. Yeah, so but the you're saying the mistake is having too many kids. That's true. That's true And we're gonna auction them off. Yeah You're gonna keep to I'm gonna keep to uh, we already know you should keep the oldest. She's yeah, she's great She's great. And then you just pick two others. I don't know. I don't know how you're gonna There isn't one of my kids that I would give up

That's nice The weird thing is is like when my wife was having the fifth There was part of me. It's like are we ever gonna stop and then he came out And he looked exactly like me and I'm like, all right. I like him. Yeah Yeah Dear boys, do they look like Tom? One of um, one of what we have one of each and one of them's black. Yes. That's weird. So that's the one That looks like Tom. Yeah, one of them looks like Lucy K. Oh my gosh. The freaky thing is that the one looks like

Her dad like to a tea. I mean, well, you know the hungarians. Yeah They used to fuck their kids It's like your dad again. Yeah, it's all goulash. You know, I mean, yeah, and he's got a similar temperament too He's like a he's like a badass. He's a bad motherfucker. Oh, dude Like no one's gonna mess with that kid. No one's gonna kidnap that kid Never he would he would fucking murder. How old is he six? You're gonna be fine. He's a badass He's a badass. Yeah, no, it's like I love saying it because I see the fear in Tom's eyes and believe me It's worse than you think it's why what do you mean the fighting you think he's gonna?

No, it's just it's just it's a lot of stress. What people don't realize is when you become a parent You sign on for a level of anxiety that you it's unparalleled. You never shake Yeah, it's it's terrifying. It is you just want them to get them to a place where you're like, you're settled and you're okay You can exist and survive in the world Yeah, and it's everything's like getting that person there But by the time you're like, I feel cool about that that kid's probably like 33 or something. Yeah, probably Well, it's so young when you think about 18 and that's when you go out into the world And what a dumb fuck you are at 18 like yeah, but thank god I went to college at that holding period

You know that holding it's like a safe environment to explore things thankfully But man, but juju looks just like him blue eyes sweet little sweet little cherub. He's a sweet Oh my christ. He's adorable. Yeah, it's because we have like the other one nice one one. Yeah, yeah Yeah, but they'll switch they'll change really. Yeah. Yeah, that's what's so like my 12 year old She is like an angel, but she's totally rebelling Like you're rebelling early So we'll see I don't I'll probably be dead in a year. So it doesn't matter. That's true What are you eating? What's your favorite thing? I'm eating everything and a lot of it

I um, but what's your favorite gnarly thing to eat? What are you into? Oh my gosh I went, you know during during the year I went a year and a half without french fries and it's like as a challenge I just didn't eat french fries and it's but you weren't like i'm not doing fries. I well. Yeah I'm not it's not like I just I never came across them. I mean, I have kids they're constantly but you're saying I'm saying no to yeah, I'm saying no to french fries. I I pretty I did all this gluten-free stuff Obviously, we don't need gluten whatever it is. I don't know what it is either. But um, yeah, no, I've been what is my Cheese is yeah, I just love cheese. What's your fave? Which one? I would say uh, santa gore's A creamy blue. What is amazing? Wow, what is it is the best thing? Are you into the blue cheese?

No, it's my least favorite. You're not into it. I like manchegos. I like uh, all right. You're a Okay, I like manchegos. All right. You're an authentic hispanic. I like habaneros I like tortillas So you're peruvian right half. Yeah, so like in peru they eat gerbils, right gerbils I think I was gonna do shows not gerbils guinea pigs. Oh sure. Yeah They do. I didn't know that. Well, I think they're everywhere And so look can't be good me. We can't really judge what they sell cow hearts on the street I like how hearts are good. I like chicken hearts, but I don't you do like chicken hearts

My grandmother would put them in the soup. I I like chicken hearts the I didn't know there were chicken hearts in that louis ck's Anticucho, right? But but but is the gerbil uh meaty enough because I I think that's a small animal So the meat would be kind of greasy here. I think it's a guinea pig a guinea pig You might be right, but I did uh, yeah, and so like But also It's such high elevation that there's the coca plants in the tea. Are you talking about in the andy's there?

Yeah, they do cocaine there. They do. They grow it. They grow it. I think they put it in tea so that you don't get sick There's your guinea pig. Yeah. Oh, that looks delicious. Yeah. Well, it doesn't that's not too bad I mean, it doesn't look great. That does look like an animal that got run over Yeah Yeah, maybe cut the head off. I would cut the head off. So you don't have to see the eyes Yeah, I didn't have that You didn't have that. No, I like the more traditional meals there

But do you eat bland because I imagine you because you're like, oh, you're a white trash. Yeah. Hey, you're a white trash guy Do you only eat? Like pale colors. Well, yeah, because you're you're the pale guy. I like spice. I you know like I did the hot wings How far did you get on hot wings? I did it. I did it all the way. Yeah, yeah I I'm they always but you know, they trick you. Oh, I didn't know that they give you the worst at eight What? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. That's yeah The bomb is eighth and you're like what and then you just lose You're so out of it after eight that you actually you don't realize that nine and ten or not as bad as eight was

I think I you know, I have no excuse. I didn't make it through but it was just like in my my 16 year old son's like Why did you you got to go back on there? I'm like, no, I don't I don't need to but I think I had like I think I had to do like the tonight show after it. Oh, what am I doing? I'm not gonna Have explosive diarrhea on the tonight show. It's like, yeah, I won hot wings but I like I like uh

Spicy, but not like I love indian food and uh, but I'm not I'm a little wimpy I just picture you eating um bland oatmeal. Yeah. Oh every day You look huge. I just look at you as a blob that eats other blobs I just see you As after you accused my family of antisemitism for an hour as being really bland That was cool. Well, I picture you eating oatmeal because because I'm always thinking of Beyond the Pale Eating yogurt and I always see you because you're like, I'm a recessive gene I am you are you're so recessive. So I always imagine your food is bland too

And you know that we can't say can koon now. We've say can con for the last 15 years because of you Get good. Um Wait, what's your sweet? What's your favorite sweet treat? You know, I love peanut butter and chocolate. Yeah Do you love Reese's pieces and uh Uh So good peanut butter cups. You know what in Ohio? They have are you guys from I'm from Ohio. He's from Ohio. Um, you know, have you ever had a buckeye?

A buckeye is uh, well, there's I mean, obviously it's grain. I think but like there's a treat that is Uh, they it kind of looks like an acorn, but it's chocolate and then there's it's like essentially a Reese's peanut butter cup But it's we got that from uh as a gift a whole tray of them and I like 20 of them. Yeah, that's the whole thing. It's like It's like I'm usually good and then at the uh, Ohio State Fair they deep fry those Oh my god, and um, I'm good, but like at Christmas. So you're you're living healthy. Christine has always looked good You were you were a mess for most of your life. That's true, but like So how do you hold the holidays are the hardest, right? Yeah, that's when the shit starts coming in the house. Yes, people send you gifting use things wine and booze and I throw it right in the trash

You do I threw I didn't even tell you what I did yesterday, but I found a box of rogue Chocolate somebody had sent us and they had been stuffed in a suitcase. So I know it's been it's been like a month Why don't you give them away? Because I don't know they've been sitting in a suitcase You don't want homeless people to enjoy tip chocolate. Well, the fucking right in the trash find something else to eat, man You know, yeah, it's up to them. They're on the street. Yeah, right? You're so sensitive. You're like that's the tom just sparks up. Fuck them Fuck those people. No, but like I think December is uh, I mean there's no it's it's it's so hard Yeah, and you get primed into it with Thanksgiving. So you get out of Thanksgiving where you're just like

Well, I went crazy for a few days And then you're in the holiday month of it all and and then you're being given Gifts and treats garbage. Yeah And so like when you guys tour when you're giving room service, yeah That's all that all that room service is made with like a pound of butter, right? And then I lay down and I go right to sleep. Oh, it's amazing It's the it's the post show The post show meals what kills you that second show and you're like, all right, and it's like 130

You're like, I gotta eat something man. I know I I like to go out to dinner What do you guys do after shows? Besides, I mean you strangle a hooker and then You gotta get you gotta get the rage out you gotta get the rage out when I see the life leave her eyes I'm like, you're like, all right. Yeah, and then it'll you know, let's I'm hungry. You're like, all right, Thai food Yeah Depends on her nationality that picks the food you get everyone for your

I guess for your business you want obviously your two show night, right? But there is that sweet sweet feeling of a one show night. I I'm leaning towards one show Oh, yeah, and then you go like we can go to dinner Allie only does one shows. I'm gonna say that like I I know Allie Wong really well, but um, yeah, it's a She only does one really much easier on you physically and mentally everything right and like you get a whole thing is is but it's Then you're you have your agent who's like you could make blah blah blah blah blah You forget those shows where they're like We could add a show at 3 p.m. And you're like, yeah, you could also fuck yourself. Yeah, you know

They've also had they're like, you know, it's not available late, but you could drive across town and do a show over here I've taken that before I'm like, I don't want to do this again So what do you do? But yeah, I like to have dinner. That's basically I like I like one show nights and uh Going through a steakhouse. That's it. Steakhouse is the best. I always pick the steakhouse because it's gonna be good no matter what Because there's a certain Quality. Yeah. Yeah get a nice piece of meat glass of wine and then it's like what am I gonna do go out and party? No, what am I fucking Bert Kreischer? Yeah, that's true

Never heard of that guy He's just like so when's Bert? He tells the audience where he's going. Oh my god. That's how fucking so wait a minute and he is I'll be like, I'll be at that bar like over there on 6th street and it's is what is he 23? Is 49 he's 49. He is he is the machine. Yes, he really is and there's no So like if he didn't drink do you think that he might look like timothy chalamet? What do you think that if he is he gonna go clean you think No, I think no what'll happen is like he's gonna be like you're not gonna believe this

They amputated my foot and then that day You'll see like a dramatic change In some of his behaviors, you know, but I think I think it'll take something like that He would do two shows tonight. No problem. Oh, he does three shows. Yeah all the time I mean, I do them too, but the thing is like I'm always like Fuck yeah, like I you know, I do them kind of like you have to yeah, but I'm always You know the thing is I'm I'm then to I can only survive if I keep structure with that schedule with the two two two two

What's amazing about him how he's really a machine Is it's two shows going out partying up the next morning? treadmill Yeah, and like, you know, his crew they'll stop in because it would we do the podcast together and then They'll be like you see it on their face. They're like it's been rough, man We've been on the road with him for a month and he's like all right fellas Like I mean, he's just like ready to go man ready to go. I did uh play. This is me Bracking I did this play with uh, well

and um these guys would party every night and one of them would drink like Bottle of scotch and then the next day he'd be like hey, let's go like he would be like jogging Like if I even like smell alcohol, I need a day off. Yeah, I can't do it with booze booze it completely I can't that's how they're wired though. My dad remember my dad's friend willy. Yeah Same at booze bag drink every night this hungarian guy wake up six a.m. The next day play soccer Like nothing happened and you know, yeah, he died early, but yeah, he died at 20. He died like yeah I was he's 60 maybe 65 But there is something but I'm like that generation though

that was kind of like You know that madmen era, but like people that do it today Yeah, it's like when you see like someone smoke you're like really you're doing that Like you haven't heard anything about that. They're like, no, I like smoking. You're like good luck with that. Yeah It's wild. It does have it does have some adverse side effects. I've heard I've heard did you ever smoke cigarettes? I did Yeah, and when did you quit? About 20 years ago. I'm addicted to the nicotine gum. Oh still. Yeah

Love I'm doing it right now. Will you do it? Will you smoke a cigar? You know I have yeah, I mean It's like the cigar. Do you love cigars? I don't know. It's kind of like enjoy them There's you know, like there's certain things where I feel like I'm missing the guy gene You know, I mean, it's just like cars. I know you love cars. My brothers love cars golf Golf I don't miss cigars. I'm like, yeah I like the cigar as like it really is a nice

kind of addition to Like to relaxing sitting around enjoying one and I like the combination of the taste of it against like a drink You know that drink and so do you get a buzz from it or no? You know, I think if you leave it like initially like we but like now when I light one up I don't have like oh, wow, I got like that head rush thing. No, I don't have it just but they do taste Very different like the the the tastes of the cigars are you know, either bolder or milder You definitely pick up different notes. I've definitely

You know, it's kind of like golf. It's like I've definitely done it. I can appreciate it, but I'm just I've got my nicotine gum. Yeah, cool. You know what I mean? I loved cigarettes. You're dead Yeah, I stopped when I was 30, but I smoked from for 17 years and I just loved it It smells good. It takes the anxiety away. It keeps you thin It's really a great habit aside from the you know, the cancer. Yeah, I mean it is weird Like growing up my parents both chain smoked So now when I smell someone smoking a cigarette, I'm like, oh Mom and dad, it's so weird

Yeah Now you're the weird thing is is like my kids will be like, did you smoke and I'm like, no, I never I'm lying to them essentially But there's like you're gonna be completely honest about everything you've done with your kids I mean, I think there's ages for it, right? I mean, right. I can't be like, yeah, I oh deed man and like have like my eight-year-old What like I'll wait till he's a little older There's also like there's clips of it. There's clips of it online. I'll be like, oh, yeah, that's true That's the thing is everything we talk about it's so documented. You can't you can't learn about it anyway. Yeah

Yeah, it's interesting, but Uh, but then I have friends that their parents were famous and they never watched what their parents did ever really Yeah, so your kids are your kids interested in your work? No. No. No. Yeah So like they might not even be interested in us and I'm hoping that's the case No, not at all. Yeah, they're they do they because a lot of times they'll they'll be into somebody else like a friend of yours Do they like other? Well, my 17 year old, she loves malaney. I had a kid and I talk about it in comedy monster where My now 10 year old was malaney for halloween. Oh

and then um My 16 year old he's more kind of into eric andre um and he has uh, but So but i'm gonna do this mini bus tour in At the end of march. It's a mini bus a mini bus. No, but it's just like one. I guess it's just a bus tour I don't know why it's not like mini bus like a like a vw bus. No. No, it's just a regular bus tour But i'm like it's like a week

It's like i'm doing nashville. Yeah on march 30th And then I you know, there's also the the timing of When kids spring breaks are yeah, so we used to go on a bus tour every spring break and I bring the kids Talk about exhaustion five kids. How did you sleep? No, there wasn't there wasn't there wasn't I mean I napped my wife never slept. Yeah, and so but we're doing this bus tour Through I think we're in montgomery and then uh, it's a bunch of southern places We're doing eventually in kansas city and my 16 year old I'm making him host the shows nice

So because he wants to do stand up and I mean I wish I had started when it was yeah, let him And he's already like done pretty funny. He's done spots. He opened for me Uh with tot glass, you know like he just kind of gets out there for like a minute or two. Yeah um In milwaukee and some in florida. It's weird because in milwaukee my wife's from there. So the crowd Is so excited to see him and then he opened for me In fort lauderdale or hollywood at the hard rock and the audience was like so it was like a casino audience

And he was like hey everyone and they're like what He was like so it was like his first exposure to an audience. That's real. That's awesome. That's good for him Yes, that's the best. He was like that sucked and you're like, yeah, yeah I'll come to stand up. Yeah So that's exciting. That's awesome. Um real quick. These are uh, horrible or hilarious clips We just need you to weigh in on whether it's funny or not. Of course Oh jeez That's like

Is that guy all right? I don't think so That's the kind of shit my son's gonna do though But his buddy was like posted posted. Yeah shithead. I think he probably I'm thinking he got hurt I don't think I want to see that again. Oh my god. Tommy. Yeah, there it is You're not loling though. Jim. No, I'm not. I don't think that's funny. Okay, mark it Tom lols. I did not I did not like that one. Yeah, I didn't like that. That's brutal Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. I know where it's going Oh

Jesus What why are you guys doing this to me? Oh Oh So bad, babe. That's that that'll wake you up. No, I don't don't do it again Oh Right in the nuts too. No. No, I think that was his stomach. Yeah, fuck. Yeah, that hurt a lot Well, oh, wow pretty funny. Nobody lol there either To all right. I'm just a couple more. Here we go

All right, I think you like that one. I think that's a little funny Haha, he's not moving He's not moving which guy's not moving the one you thought was funny Maybe he fell asleep. Oh, this guy right here's dunski Oh here. All right, hold on Oh, is he? Oh, it's the neck. Yeah. All right Jesus

Yeah, let's see. Oh my god. Where do you guys get this shit? Tom Oh says right here. He's fine. He's fine. Yeah, he's fine. All right. Well, it's the internet. So that's the truth There you go. And last one you ready? Yeah, I'm ready. All right Oh His arm broke. Yeah Same way yours did babe. It was the snapback. Yeah, so the the left arm of the guy underneath. Yeah, it's gonna break Verified funny good job guys

That was horrible, babe How did you break your arm? I did similar fashion. Really? This guy picked me up and he threw me through a table and uh Dude, your arm did the same thing though. It did. It flopped like that. Is that you in the mask? Yes, yes, and Bert came and flopped his arm over. It was horrible. Bert can't pick me up But uh, so Bert saves a lot of money on shirts like he doesn't need that man. Any shirts That's for sure any he doesn't need to worry about like sweating through what I told him is like I'm so excited for him to be in his 60s and they'll be in there. His audience is still like take it off They were like just saggy body

That's quite a commitment, you know Do be in the shirtless comic for the rest of your life. It is Imagine how upset they would be. Oh, yeah, even if he was like a 70 like I mean you guys don't realize but Bert is eventually gonna become president of the united states. He's gonna be the first shirtless president It could be could be what what there's a certain love ability to Bert of course a hundred percent Yes, what and and and there is something There's not like a mean bone there. No, that's the thing is that there's a sweetness to him Yeah, and he's very endearing. He's kind of like a dog

that you're like He he's he's like a like a like a what's it called like a golden retriever, right sweet dog He is a sweet dog that doesn't wear a shirt. Yeah, but dogs don't wear shirts true It's like a a dog that you put you put beer in its bowl every day Yeah, I put it up. Yeah, like an obese beagle. Do you remember the first time you met berth? Yes, did you guys kiss that night or no? No, I definitely liked him right. He was he was he was uh, he was very nice, you know, because especially when you're MCing and you're so intimidated by every comic, you know, and you're just like, oh, I just want people to be nice

Yeah, and he was super nice and he you know Bert's also So his personality is I want someone around all the time Like that's who he is. Yeah, so he was mostly he was like come on was he by his parents. Was it just expensive? I think it must have been right. No, I don't know Um, but he yeah, he always wants people around and he um, I remember one time This is not when we met but like a few months after he invited me to do gigs in sacramento with him

to feature for him. Yeah, and uh He drove up and then he talked the entire way and then like half the way back After the weekend, he's he talked the entire time. He's like, you know, you don't say much And uh, I go you haven't stopped talking For the four hours up and two hours back. He was oh, yeah, I guess I do talk about myself a lot And then he acknowledged that and then he kept talking the rest of the way back But you are You know Bert on a level

That do you think you know him better than his wife knows him? No, I wouldn't say that but I do think I know him Who slept with him more you were probably me Me in recent years And uh, but he is non-stop. He really is non-stop. He is he is and he really is the person you can just go like What about this and it'll just I mean And then the stream of consciousness thing of like, what is that?

What if we imagine if we were birds one time that I tell you that when I was in Bulgaria and they they lowered me off this zipline and then switch to that thing You have like do you have hot dogs? Do you think you have hot dogs eating with chocolate would be good? Like it's just It's just yeah They Must study his brain. Oh, yeah, it's gotta be it's gotta be yeah. That's so fun. Yeah, we're so lucky that we get to Hang around people like that. Yeah, it's right. It is fun. Yeah Yeah, it's the best. I was just telling him like we went to a party with regular people

Try and tell stories and stuff and you're just like look I hang out with like professional storytellers Like you know what I mean? You're like, I can't I can't yeah That sounds really mean, but it's like the hangs in stand-up or like a conversation with a comic. I'm like it was so fun It's the best. I'll go home and talk about that. Yeah, like the way somebody would talk about going to An event or a show like yeah, I think the only time I've ever smoked cigars is with comedians and often at the comedy store In that strange area back there where people have probably been sexually assaulted There's a darkness to Jim Gaffigan that I enjoy And then before you go, we got to give them your

I'm so excited. Tiktok So Christina Uh, yeah curates tiktoks. Oh, yeah. No, I follow. Yeah. Okay. I just make sure. Yeah. Just making sure. I'm gonna know Just uh, however you feel is fine What's that? Oh, what is this christina? Is that All right, that looks like Is that mushroom It's beef truck. Yeah, I think

I'm not sure what this is. This is this guy. He's made some interesting talks in the past And that was just one of his latest installations. I'm not sure what that was honestly I feel I feel free to cut that. It's a master of lighting that one Yeah, there a lot of times these guys are real skilled with light Yeah Angles, yeah I receive more new dolls In the last two weeks than I owned

I've got the elf. Oh, I've got the ruby And I've got the uh, the four woods and I've got two more teddy babes, too I think most of my delight counts. We're just looking around and see all my girls. Yeah, you know, it's it makes me feel like Well, there's a lot that goes into all of the silicone doll world or something. Yeah. Yeah, it's like having a little harem, isn't it? It is it is like my own harem How does it make you feel? um, I'm just You know, look, I'm kind of confused like where do you

Get to this point where You're known for sex dolls so much that people start sending them to you That's the equivalent of like if they see you drinking a certain alcohol, they'll send you like hey From like Jameson It's like the the sex doll people are like we gotta send this guy a sex doll this this doll's face this one here Yeah, that one the fabric one that looks like an etsy doll Like that's kind of like some mom and pop thing. We're making our own sex dolls. We're doing it ourselves now Yeah, right because you can't choose. This is why you gotta pay for the real manufacturers dolls

So these aren't sex dolls. These are just life-sized dolls. No No, I think some are life-sized dolls and some are definitely to have sex with Do you think he has kids like Like that's for sure a doll that you fuck right um You know one of the things that stood out in this and it always is surprising is just who what this guy looks like Right because like if you saw that guy

At the at the coffee shop, you'd be like he's respectable. Yeah, like I mean, it's not like his his shirt looks fine. Yeah, he looks like the account. He might work at home depot Yeah, he might be the manager. You know this guy knows paint. You tell him a thing He's like well, you need to combine these paints if you really want, but you know what so telling is that It's such a guy Owning the girl dolls because look that one with the huge tits is bald. She looks like shit Right. He's like never the tits are big like he can't even it's got yeah He can't even put a wig on her like he can't even take care of them

It's just sad. He just there it is. It's my favorite girl. She doesn't even have pants on her skirt. Nothing It's it's sad, but like he's Most It's weird. Yeah, so like do they come with hair or like you have to buy the hair Like put something on her head. She's bald. These are all the questions that he could answer immediately What if it all started as like he just wanted to get into the carpool lane? He's like, you know what? I gotta get in the carpool lane. I'm gonna buy one of these dolls. Ha ha ha and then he's like these dolls are amazing these dolls

Really are so and this one has a very realistic. Yeah, that one's I like that one. Yeah That one's pretty. It's my own harem. It's tamra. That's not sad at all. That one's not sad So like they're sitting in his living room. Yeah, right And is it his tiktok's account a tiktok account? No, it's somebody else. It's called at real stories doc. So this is like this is from a documentary Oh, wow, but that's like you have have you been to gary's place, man? He's got the greatest doll collection You got to check it out. Do you like you like full-sized dolls? Full-sized dolls. He's like he's got like 40 dolls

Yeah, and he's not ashamed of them, which I do think you should do. It's like, you know during economic times He has to like, you know, if he sometimes I had to sell some of my dolls But you know that I made myself a promise when I get back on my feet. I'm buying those fucking dolls Some people are into crypto. He said the dolls Let's see. What's the next one? What's this? Oh So that lady burned her her crotch trying to take the hair off of it. She put something like nair or something on her coach Yeah, yeah, that was a really cool video

Pour some water on me In pain That's sad. Yeah, I don't like that one either. You can go ahead and forward through that one It's really sad, you know, we all What's what's going on here? This is Tom and me mac and cheese Oh, he's demanding what he wants to be fed. Oh, is this like a dominatrix thing? What's what's going on? Is that a birthmark on her shoulder? It might be a tat. This looks like low res. I like his tiny bib boss

It's a tiny bib. He is a boss. I mean, he obviously is the boss Yeah, and then there appears to be some kind of water bottle in the foreground. Or is that like a Gatorade, right? It's like it. It's a sippy. That's a sippy. It looks like oh, you're right. Oh, I see now. Okay Oh, so is this baby? He's a baby. Yeah, I think like he does the baby thing. Yeah, right How did how? What do you think of that? Yeah, I mean, well, it's weird like there's just like when there's things like that. I'm like, you know, I'm pretty normal I guess I'm on the normal side of things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I you know Whatever floats people's boats as long as it doesn't

Interfering someone else's life. I guess it's very fun. Would you want to do that with me? Tommy or you're like mac and cheese Just doesn't really it doesn't feed you. It doesn't appeal to me. It doesn't appeal. Yeah, what so does he Does he get aroused by that? He must and so what how do you Discover that like is that something like when you're a teenage boy? You're like, I can't wait to like grow up and I can get someone to Feed me like I'm a baby. Is that their fantasy? I think it probably comes from you have to be like demanding and somebody Uh pushes back on you and you're like this some bullshit Then you find somebody who's like willing to be bossed around you're like, ah, how do I get more of this?

I guess and he posts it With the hopes that you know what there's going to be some other people that want to yeah, of course There's a whole baby community. Oh, yes. They're oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, there's tons of babies Tons of babies. There's fur people too, right? There's everything in the world. I play you know No, I don't know about that Pup play is like where the person one of them pretends to be a dog The one pretends to be the dog owner and they fully commit like we'll get in collars and leashes and and go out and be like you need to eat now and

Pet them and give them and then sometimes they insert a rectal tail But it's not sexual. It's just because it's not sex dogs have tails You You said that like oh by the way They'll insert a rectal tail. You know how like that'll come up. Yeah, it comes up. Hey, uh, do you want to see one? I'll try to find it in a second What's going on here?

All right, that's good. That's always good. That's that's always That hurts. I mean that you know, I feel and also that she knew the person recording So you think that might be that might be staged. It could be staged. Yeah. I mean, why would she be recording her? She knew that was gonna happen right there But that's a dangerous prank for the big lady, right, you know, just to be like, yeah, yeah, because she could get She could really fuck herself up doing that But she didn't sit down with any trepidation like, you know, you can tell when someone hesitates Maybe it's gonna happen. She didn't hesitate. Yeah, she was probably it was set up. They're like go over and sit at that computer

All right Can I bring one of the things that I Enjoy also is reading I keep up with the current bestsellers and my 25 year subscriber to both playboy and the new yorker magazine Who's that guy? This is an old dating. It's an old dating But I like that he he's a reader and he also subscribes to playboy and the new yorker like he's a he's a sophisticated Culture guy playboy. I mean, I understand your point, but like playboy used to have amazing articles supposedly that's what he's saying Yeah, but he's and I think there was

such a weird But there was I think playboy was considered a certain sophistication in the I guess was it the 70s ones that I guess But yeah, I think you're right in the early times it was considered revolutionary, right? Like, oh, wow You know, like they had an interview with like carter. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah So, yeah, you're it's a way of being like I'm pretty cool. Yeah But so He's probably dead the guy. Yeah. Yeah, this guy's gotta be dead

Well, I don't know Come here. How old is he here? He's watching us now. He's probably I mean, he's 21 years old 21 22 I would guess what early 50s. I would say I would say mid 50s. Okay um he's uh I don't know. I wonder for 40 years went by. Well, like and this just What is so people are like, you know what I'm gonna post onto is they just post dating videos. Yeah, that's a whole Yeah, they're they're they're old school dating stuff. Yeah, it's so funny. Yeah, it's great

Nobs I have 40 knobs coming in. Um, okay. We need that 40 knobs in one kitchen. So yes, my lazy susan Is underneath so she's kind of like I have But I just want to do a video right project almost complete What are you talking about guys? God, it's all about cabinets. We don't have cabinets. Yeah, you don't like cabinets I um, so like that's what's so interesting. So Look as three people that go on stage that seek approval of strangers. We can't judge these people but like She's like

I want people to look at my breasts How can I do that and someone's like you could you could tell them about your cabinets? Exactly. And she's like really? Yeah, they're like just sit on the counter and then yeah, no, is this a dating app? Um, no, this is just her. So yeah, they're so there there's a handful of like middle-aged women that do these Make money on that. That's the thing. It's really not that Monetizable yet you can do lives and they'll pay you to do lives from what I understand But at the moment not that great

Um, but yeah, there's a whole there's like a few of these older women that will be like I'm making a recipe I'm showing how to do You know turkey sandwiches, but their tits are jiggling and they're like what what are you talking about? This is a recipe, you know, like they play innocent. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, plain innocent, but just to be clear Nice tits. Nice tits. Not bad. They look natural That that shirt is so she So she's like walking around the grocery store like that. Yeah, probably

You got some you got some nice hang lady You need to know this trick when you go to a restaurant and you see that there's hair in your food Just don't return it put a bunch of salt on there Then return when it comes back. You'll know if it's fresh or not This guy has done this quite a few times and I think you like that one because it's informative It's actually a pretty decent trick. I've never heard of that before So you put the salt on it so that they don't bring you back the same thing. Yeah It's a good trick. And then when I get how's that conversation?

I've noticed there's a bunch of salt and I salted the shit out of this before I gave it back to you Exactly okay So like there is a lot of this this is part of the life hack series on Yeah, so there are people that just offer advice on various things like we learned how to lift a book properly from the shelf You don't just grab it. You have to put your finger behind it and push it out This is according to you know a book Experts so these people are just experts in different areas and this is this guy's thing

Wow, and he has a bunch of stuff. Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, he's just like here's how to fuck over a restaurant So but like everyone knows one or two things but like then they just start making things up probably probably for sure. Yeah, yeah for sure Oh my god Look at the size of that fucking crock Open good Hey, don't big sell that

Don't do that. This is a good cracker down. Oh, yeah, look at that, huh? Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, what's your face in there? What? That gets a reward. Good boy Well, why do you do that? I mean, it's like is that necessary? I guess I hate when they do this stuff too. We hate it. It's so upsetting and then like the the the under scratch Like you asshole, you know, you're just showing off. Yeah, you definitely you just got lucky All right, let's have a look at the bit This is the pup play we mentioned earlier. It's not sexual

That dog's more loaning It's like an episode of dexter Very tight down there aren't you? Very tight. It's also a photo right? Yeah. How do you find one another? I mean, it's like Oh, puppy, that's you rest your head on the bed there On the Bed there that let's make sure you guys tail in good puppy Spin around spin around and let's see you from the front spin around

Yeah, I've seen I've got a tail good puppy. Oh now you've got a tail. Oh, that's very sweet Give it away comedy monsters streaming on Netflix. Good puppy Oh What draws me to human pup play is I like the gear I like the lifestyle of it all It just makes me feel like I am 10 foot tall and bulletproof It's not just physical. There is emotions in there having a hold on I get to go to my second persona where I have no human innovations It's so that guy thinks he's a dog. Yeah

And he's australian. Yeah. Yeah He's an australian shepherd, but how does he um So this is probably from a documentary, right? Yeah. Yeah, and he or like yeah, I mean, I guess HBO used to have those real sex But like how does someone discover that? They I mean, there's how does someone discover that they're this and how does somebody Like what leads to this like is this just kind of like Are you trying to get more involved in the community? I mean, how can I join? Okay? No, it's a good question

So you need to train yourself you need to start like learning you have to train your sense of smell Obviously, that's a big one if you're gonna be a dog. No, but like how does You're gonna run your fingers. It looks like that hood That dog head he's wearing it looks like there's a there's like a store that makes those like that Oh, yeah, like it's so specific. I know you're saying that like when's the first time You're like, I I like to dress like a dog. That's such a bizarro thing How do you learn about such a thing? How would you like in my wildest dreams? I would never well

Train yourself. Oh, here we go There's activities that you're going to be doing to help build up your scent and the first one in first color training Is to know Your own smell once a day when you wake up in the morning Take a good whiff of your pit before you've shelled before you've put any deodorant cologne on So a real sophisticated sense of smell when you've got time during the work day Get over the fact that this guy probably he's like he's probably a third grade math teacher Yeah, probably

And and by the way, it's like I'm sure you guys are like me. It's like As long as it doesn't fuck with other people whatever makes them happy. Absolutely. Of course. Sure. We're not judging. We're just making fun of You're in class You want to go here? Put your hand down your pants Grab your nuts Have a feel get your fingers over them Come on and bring them up

All right, let's move on. Okay All right, wait, but when do I have to leave? Um, wait a minute. What's this breaking news? Okay, don't worry. It's just the world's ending. Okay, cool. Anyway. Yeah, man. Pop play is where it's at So like that's the rabbit hole like how do you do? How do you? Like that is like the equivalent of For me the equivalent of like watching a murder like it's just It's not something

Uh Enjoyable, it's not like I like right now. I feel emotionally like I'm not hungry Can I tell you something? I see videos like this and it gives me a charge Same. Yeah, I feel I feel I'm ready for the day. Me too. I'm excited by it You watch that. Because what I can't wait to do is show it to other people. Me too Really? Yeah, yeah, I see something like this. I'm kind of just be uncomfortable or react in any way But I just I want I know that like in my head now I'm like I got the pop play thing and like if this ever comes up if there's somebody who I think will hate it

I'll show it to them. If there's somebody who I think will love it. I want to show it to them And so you probably show it to some people and they're like, yeah, that's great. Yeah, yeah Like there are there that's the actually the worst the worst is when someone's like, okay You want to at least have something, you know, you want to have somebody either be like no way or like Or just summary up, but like it's interesting It would make sense that because as comedians we want to elicit a reaction Yeah, because if there's this thing about like obviously you want to kill and you want to get huge laughs

But there is kind of a thrill to saying something that gets huge groans Or like, you know, I mean like it's at least a react. You're like, I did something. I pushed some right, right, right I know but yeah, if everyone was just like That would be the worst kind of you know, like to be like we don't react at all to you That's true. That's so lame. Yeah. No, it is it is uh God, it's like it's fascinating because the whole concept of irreverence and taboo is is always shifting

Always like when I started stand up, there was a comedian That was the out comedian as a gay man and it was Crazy the audience would be like this guy's telling people he's gay and it was crazy. Yeah And now obviously it doesn't matter And uh, it didn't matter back then but like as the the audience of like 1993 was like, holy cow Yeah, this guy's gay. He's a gay guy. Yeah I remember I could be talking about this before that like It used to be a thing

It's not even one specific person But you'd see a comic on stage and this is like early 2000s even And if there was a guy sitting next to another guy The comic could be like, oh, is this your boyfriend and everyone would react they'd either laugh. Oh And you fast forward now like if you said is that your boyfriend everyone would be like maybe I don't know Yeah, like this it doesn't elicit a reaction. It's such a bummer. You know, you're like, uh, I wanted I wanted to abuse these guys for being gay But I can't anymore. Yeah, you know, right? It totally changes like I don't know. I wish I could harass more people same from these days. I get it

You can find different ways to harass them. Yeah, that's true. You're a straight white male. We're in charge What do I say, who should I go after now? I mean, we I mean, well, we've probably got like another five years The Chinese are gonna take over. Yeah. I mean, it's like I don't want to learn Mandarin. You know, I mean, it's like it's brutal to learn too I mean, I guess I'll just work at like some crypto farm Yeah You know, but I'm pretty much done. Yeah. I mean, anyway, so

I'm thinking of buying land in canada if there's you know, because when Everything melts like I think we're probably gonna have to live in like the sketch one or something like that You gotta have kids to have labor you can have free labor on the Ranch, you know, I mean, we're probably I mean also there's the meat, right? Yeah, you know Anyway, yeah, it's all good So comedy monster you guys have been watched it. I have not yet. Thanks for supporting. Um, it was a It was a busy couple of weeks. Yeah Well, there is

Tom and I were talking about this before there is like a certain point. Well, you'll watch specials. Yeah, but it's not like Your it's not like any comedian is dying to see more comedy. Well, I actually am a huge fan of yours. That's not true I love you. You're fantastic. Well, we had some stuff going on Yeah, and family stuff so but I will and I was excited to see you that you had another special because I do love you And can we'll both definitely what for sure? I'm watching twice. I don't know twice is a lot three times four times I you know, I haven't so I'm excited because I think do you find out numbers from Netflix? Yes, you do Now you do do you find out in what countries? So what you're going to find out is you're going to get a

Came out of the 21st You'll get a 28 day report That's cool. They'll tell you You know accounts That and then they'll tell you, you know an account doesn't mean people because people share accounts and right right right right Six people go watch but there's so many accounts They might give you yeah some stats

of uh Of um countries where it's all that's amazing And the countries where they're very disappointed in your performance Right And then the the thing is like the first time I got it was in the last one and I was like, yeah But just tell me this because you're not they're not going to share anyone else's data with you. Yeah So you're like just tell me how did it compare to my well tell me how it compared to my previous one and then they're like, oh, okay So they told me some comparisons

So that was good, you know, that's good Yeah Yeah, but yeah, it's nice that they all of this just to get our dads to like us. It's unbelievable All this I know just think if your grandparents hadn't killed We would be fine right now. That's so true. We have a regular office job Um, no, but uh, congratulations nine specials now. It's amazing. It's pretty wild man. That's wild It's fun. Yeah, you keep doing them until they let tell you not you can't do them anymore. That's what I always said Just keep going. Yeah, keep going. What else can you do someday? I'll be happy

Hang in there. I relate Um, well, thanks, Jim. Thank you. Appreciate it guys. Go right now. Netflix. Check out comedy monster. Check out his other specials Fantastic comedian. Thank you. Thank you When's the chief gonna be in? What's your name, man? What's your operator number? What's so hard about that? What'd you pause for? She's just scared about this is connell peterson, okay Connell c-o-n-a-l-d peterson, what's your name?

I'm calling about murder, buddy. Okay, everybody. Okay, possible murder. I'm calling about murder, buddy. Okay, everybody. Okay, possible murder I want to know what happened that retarded kid. Do you know anything about a kid that was mentally challenged and retarded that got murdered? Pardon Why don't you stick the phone up to your ear and try to listen, okay? Okay, I hope you don't do what because uh, the whole world's gonna hear this. What's your name anyway? You don't even know my name. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get your name about three seconds. Okay, after I call the state patrol and run track, your name Okay, how you doing, sheriff? What's your name, buddy? Dang dang

Okay, and I think it's on squirt. I'm not gonna put you on the notice of baby rape on your blog and go to youtube site around your name, okay? You gonna give me your name, buddy? Oh, yeah You gonna do this, huh? You going on the net as a baby right after I get your name now, buddy, okay? What's your name, buddy? Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get your name in about three seconds I'm calling about murder, buddy. Okay, everybody. Okay, possible murder. I'm calling about murder, buddy. Okay,

I'm calling about murder, buddy. Okay, possible murder. I want to know what happened to that retarded kid Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house And if you had a great time watch more videos here here here Don't forget to subscribe here here here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out Immediately. Thanks jeans