Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 642 - David Cross - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 9, 2022

Join David Cross for the livestream premiere of I'M FROM THE FUTURE on Saturday, February 12 at 5 PT / 8 PT. Tickets available at https://officialdavidcross.com #ImFromTheFuturePull those jeans up, it's time for another #YMH with Tom Segura and Christina P! We talk about people that choose to stay in their homes during crazy storms and hurricanes, watch a cool guy in IG trying to get his wife back, and debating if there's a difference between goths and Star Trek nerds.THEN, we welcome our guest, the incredibly funny David Cross! The main mommies chat with him about standup, recording his new standup special, and how he grew up. We then hear some behind the scenes of the classic sketch show "Mr. Show with Bob and David" and some controversy that surrounded the recent reboot on Netflix. The mommies and David then run through a scenario of a ground breaking new surgery technique that gives Tom a brand new bad-ass arm! We revisit Charo's incredible fart and how much Tom paid for it, which reminds David of a homeless person from his neighborhood. Lastly, Christina initiates David to the dark side of TikTok with her latest batch of curations.

People that work in the fast food industry and they're posting how things are made and that's fucking Dorito, bro. Yeah, of course it is. What do you think it's going to be? You think it, they cut it down from the Dorito tree? Potato, it's the chorus. It's not.

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Again, satva.com slash the shit for $200 off. Oh. What did it do, dog? She's here, she's flown all around the world and back today. Yeah. You've had quite a whirl, a whirlwind weekend, Gene. I got caught in a winter storm

and I had to fight it all by myself. You did? Yeah. Were you scared? Super scared. It made snowing? It did, people died, but, you know, it's life. Yeah.

So. That's cool, I'm glad you're here. Me too, I'm glad I'm not one of the dead ones. Yeah, do people really die? Yeah, a couple of people died. Just from being out in the snow? I think just being stupid, yeah. Yeah, because when they tell you like,

hey, the snow is coming, go inside, then you should probably listen and go inside. People ignore, you know, I mean, I grew up in Florida for probably my life. When they're like, this is a category five hurricane, people are like, I'm just gonna stick it out. I know. But you can't, and they're like, I can, I'm gonna, okay.

And then they're like, guess what happened? This natural, God made storm. Predictable. Yeah, it has 196 mile an hour winds. It threw a building and everybody died in it. And they're like, get the fuck out of here, really? Yeah, I've Googled hurricanes in Florida where people are like standing in the malls and stuff.

And they're like, I just wanna see what it looks like out here. You're like, don't do that. I had friends who. Go away, stupid. Every time, that was their thing, was like, they don't leave, you know? That's like a point of pride in some Floridians

and people who live by the ocean. They're like, it doesn't matter what comes. Stay right here. No. Okay. I flee. You know, cause there is a case where it makes sense in a way that people say, which is like, they are too poor.

Sure. You know? So it's like, why didn't they leave? They can't afford to leave. You mean they can't go to the Four Seasons and Jackson Hole? They can't. They can't go anywhere. The montage.

And that's a sad reality. Yeah. But you look at it against the people who are like, have the means. And who are like, you guys should feel like, I don't wanna go. Yeah. I just wanna stay here right now. Yeah.

Dude, pack up your car and get the fuck out of town. Get the fuck out of here. I mean, and growing up in Los Angeles, it would have been, they're forever looking for a way to warn us about the earthquake situation. But that's much less warning. That's like three minutes. They're like, hey, next Thursday.

I know. We see it coming miles away. And the winter storms, like the one that I was just in, they're like, there's gonna be bad tomorrow. People are like, yeah, but I have plans. I'm gonna be outside. Okay. I know.

I know. I mean, how much warning could they have given us with the earthquakes? I wonder. I don't think they can give you much. I don't think they can give you more than like five minutes. Even that. How do they warn you that much?

I guess, you know, those nerds that, where is that place that they would always be like, and out of MIT, the seismic nerds are monitoring this stuff. And they would always keep track of it. Remember guys? Yeah. And they tell, well, the epicenter, we see a lot of seismic activity on this fault.

So they kind of can tell when things are getting spicy. Yeah. But they can't give you an actual, they'll tell you, well, the next one, this fault is gonna be popping off. No, neither the USGS or any other scientists have ever predicted a major earthquake. Dude, we don't know shit.

You know what I've learned? We don't know fuck about shit. We don't know fuck about shit. Yeah. Dude, did you know there's gonna be the flying car is coming out? I almost sent you the article. Coming out, what do you mean?

There's a flying car company. I saw it on Instagram. That must be real. And it must be real. It's not Elon Musk, but there's a flying car and it's gonna come out to market soon. Are you gonna buy one? Would you buy a flying car?

Yeah. The Proto, the first round. The very first round. Yeah, I'll take it for a spin and then be like. See, X Pengs, that looks Chinese. I don't know if we should trust that, right? Okay. It comes with a parachute.

Oh, it does. Thank God, that's smart. They're like, this doesn't always work. So that sounds cool. Are there photos of it? Is that it right there? There it is. That could be you, dog.

Are they like, so what we're doing is we're raising funds right now. And if you, you give us money when that first one comes out in 2035 it's gonna be shipped right to your house. Autonomous aerial vehicles. Could you imagine the chaos that would cause? You know how bad it is people driving on roads?

Could you imagine in the air? How the fuck would we even begin to regulate that? I don't know. How would they do that? I am fully erect right now. I know you are. But do you think they should only be allowed to be given to like certain people, right?

Yeah. Like who gets it? People who leave town when a fucking hurricane's coming. Yeah. Stupid huh? Yeah, that's pretty rad. That's gotta be a fucking fortune though, right? Ex-Peng.

So this is China. They have costs associated with this? This is like propaganda piece. This doesn't, you're right. This isn't real. This is the Chinese government being like. China starts some shit. Y'all wanna talk some shit?

First of all, Wuhan, sorry about that. Secondly, in order to make it up to you guys. You want flying cars? We've been building them for a while. We've been building them for a while. Let's see. They raised 500 million in series A funding last week. It sold zero units.

You know, I'm sensing that you're not into this so far. You know what? I can only hear, I can't, hold on. It's annoying me. I can only, it's staticky in my right ear. Never mind. I'm gonna just fidget with this. There, I fixed it.

You didn't? I'm a tech guy. Wow, that was really good. Thank you. You really know your stuff. Thank you. I don't get me my reward. Okay.

You ready to party? I'm ready, bro. Let's open the show. Yes, I'm a bad person. Yes, I'm bad piece of shit. Yes, I am everything. But you know what? I never slept with a medical man.

And I never destroyed married life. I never did. If I went out to prosecute, it was my fault. I acknowledged that. If I did drugs, it's my fault. I acknowledged that. Yeah. This shit is big time.

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. He's in pretty good work. Don't move in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura.

And Christina Pajit Singh. Christina Pajit Singh. Welcome to your mom's house. Yes, I'm piece of shit. You got to give it to him. He owns it. He does not destroy married life. But if he sees prostitute and he does drugs.

That's his fault. It doesn't destroy his marriage, though. No, I'm just saying, I think he doesn't destroy other marriages. Oh, gotcha, gotcha. He goes on more. Yeah. Yeah. It's not his fault.

He doesn't destroy his marriage, though. No, I'm just saying, I think he doesn't destroy other marriages. Oh, gotcha, gotcha. Yeah. Yeah, it gets even better. But I never, ever looked at married women and said something. Right. And destroyed their marriage life.

Yes, I'm piece of shit. And yes, I'm a loser. But you know what? I'm a man. Yeah, dog. And real man does not destroy somebody else's life. That's cool. He's right.

No, he's spot on, actually. I'm a loser, baby. So why don't you kill me? I'm a piece of shit. Real man does not take somebody else's wife and make them call their real man. They're punk. Yeah. They're punk.

Yeah. But yet, I'm piece of shit. Be blessed, guys. Be blessed. Love you all. Oh, thank you. It's a good lesson. It's a good way to start your Wednesday, huh?

But I am piece of shit. And he learned, he learned, you know, it's obviously English as a second language. You learn some good slang. Yeah. He knows, yeah. I like that. I think he's right. I mean, keep your own garbage in your own yard.

Yeah. If you're going to be a piece of shit, don't mess up other people's stuff. You know what I'm saying? That's right. Don't mess with no married bitch. Right. Don't compliment that bitch. Right.

If I went out to prostitute, it was my fault. I also never heard someone say, if I rent out the prostitute. It's true. That's pretty cool. Which actually grammatically makes sense to rent a prostitute. Especially if you realize that someone's probably translating in their head. Right. What did you do?

I rented this prostitute for a while. You rent a person. Yeah. So what do they say now? They say, you get, you get, right? Native American English speakers probably say, I got a prostitute. You got. I got her.

And it implies like you owned her. But you really just rent her. And really what you should be saying is just. Yes, I'm a piece of shit. And yes, I'm a loser. Well, that was fun. It's really endearing though to hear somebody, right? Because don't you like.

You gotta own it. You kind of like them now. You gotta own it. It's really interesting. No, I, I much prefer a guy like this who's like, look dude, this is what I'm into. We've always said that. Yeah. You gotta be upfront.

It's very, yeah. Very cool. Very cool guys. Very cool way to start the day. So you told me you wanted to compare. Yeah. Look, there's a lot of stuff going on in my world intellectually. Okay.

You've been gone. And when you're gone, I get into, I go down weird rabbit holes. Yeah. Of stuff. Okay. I'll get into my second thing. The first thing's fucking first on where my mom's at. I got upset because I went through the Starbucks drive-thru here and this kid looked cool.

Like he had a cool mullet. He had cool earrings on. And I was like, okay, he looked like the Lost Boys. Like. This is right up your alley too. Yeah. I was like, maybe that's why I'm so upset. Now, now it makes sense.

So I was kind of like, this kid's cute. He's like the young teenager. Yeah. He looks dope. And then they see on his lapel a star fleet, like he's in star command. And I was so upset by it. I was like, you fucking nerd. Like, stop.

Don't put it. Like back in my day, if you put that on your lapel, they would beat the shit out of you. Yeah. And rightly so because you're advertising your nerd status. Like, if you're into this, keep it on the deal. Yeah. It's pretty clear about something because this is a public show with like a significant audience.

We don't advocate that kind of violence, but we fully get it. You know what I mean? So. If you want to fucking smash someone. Yeah. I don't think you should, but I mean. But we get it. Like it just irked me that he gets to parade his nerd badge around without any consequences.

And then Patty O'Callaghan. Is he riding the fence? Is that what you're? Is he riding both? Is that what you're trying to say? Kind of. Yeah. Like don't, don't bring my cool culture in with your.

Right. And now I see that because on the show I was more upset. Like, well, his nerd culture is not the same as goth culture. Yeah. Because Patty was like, yeah, but what's the difference between somebody liking Star Trek and liking Bauhaus? And I was like, whoa, whoa. Those two are not comparable, dude.

Like Bauhaus is dope and is cool and started punk and new wave and got like those guys get laid. These people don't get laid. So am I wrong in thinking that my subculture is cooler than fucking Starfleet command? Yeah. I think so. I'm wrong. No, I think you're right.

I mean. I got a lot of hate on the comments. People are so mad at me. The Star Trek nerds are so mad at me right now. They're really something the Star Trek nerds because I've also gotten into that thing before where I'm like, you know, I grew up watching Star Wars. So much cooler. And there's a little bit of a battle between the two.

You know what I mean? Like, and I think the Star Trek people really kind of think of themselves as as better. Or, you know, they do. I think so. I think they do. Yeah. You know, the both of those, if you get into the nerd part of both those camps, they really get into the philosophies of each of those kind of creative shows and like.

They speak Klingon. Yeah. Yeah. What's the Vulcan? And I was always like, how could you choose that over Star Wars? Like, the fuck are you talking about? Right. Star Wars is empirically cooler.

It's got better guns, lasers, chicks, hotter chicks. It's fucking rad. It's rad as shit. It's outer space, bro. Like, well, then again, so is Star Trek. Yeah. But like Google Star Trek convention. You know what it is?

It's like when you're in high school and, you know, you're like, I play football. And then someone's like, I run cross country. And you're like, get the fuck out of here. It's not. Look at all these dudes. It's just a sea of dudes. Fucking dork. Yeah.

You mean you just run? I mean. Huh. Babe. You can't. There's no, there's, he's comparing this to a Bauhaus. Like being got. Gots have way more sex appeal.

Oh, here's what I've learned. Here's what I've learned. Because I love. Unreal. And I love to ridicule people for their excitement and their beliefs. Of course. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like it's something I've really grown up doing. Yeah. Yeah. Same thing. And like I would love to mercilessly just mock these people. They deserve it. But. Yeah.

What I've learned is that, you know, in a very interesting way, these are all the same. No. Everything is the same. So now you're, you're siding with Patty. While I'm saying he's making a good point, the point is that those people going like ah, that's fun. Yeah.

No, no, but like it's a, you can just swap out a shot of a concert and people go like, huh, it's people. What happens is you actually go, I wonder what it's like to feel that way about that. Because you don't feel that way about that. I can't. I can't. Of course not. You're not a fucking moron, but you, you get to the point where you're like, you know

what, these fucking mouth breathers, do they deserve their own thing too? And I get, I get it. I get that I don't share the excitement about that, but my excitement is about something else that they go, I don't know why you're excited about that. I know. Okay. And I agree with you here. However, Yana, you cannot compare Star Trek Nerddom to Bauhaus, Google fucking Bauhaus

concert. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But all it is is a different level of appreciation for different things. They, those people, there might be some Bauhaus fans in that audience, you know? No. No. Never.

Look, those people fuck. See my, look how cool. I don't know about that. Yeah, Bauhaus fucks. What are you talking about? Look at Daniel Ash. So cute. Peter Murphy.

Oh, I'm finally seeing like what her real type is. Vampires, dude. I'm a vampire. Right there on the left. That's your type? I know. I know you've liked it. 13.

But those, that photo right there, that's them, like young. Can you click on it? Love a young Peter Murphy. Yeah, that one. A young Daniel Ash. Can you make that bigger? I just want to see these hot guys. This is what I liked.

I've always liked weirdos. But see, this is, this is my thing with outliers. I like weirdos, dude. This is really what gets you going. Well, I did when I was young. I like it now aesthetically. It doesn't turn me on as much. That's the lead singer there in the book?

Yeah, that's Peter Murphy. I mean, he's still rad. I guess I'm totally square because I would think that the better looking guy's the guy on the left there. David J. or Kevin Haskins. They're both brothers. But then again, he's dressed like a normal person. Yeah.

No. You don't like a fishnet shirt there? Yes, Daniel Ash. He's cool as shit. Okay. No, he's like number two. So number one is Peter Murphy. He's a singer.

And then number two, Daniel Ash. And then those are the brothers. So this would be your gang bang dream right here. Oh, he's so great. But Bauhaus 1980 version of Bauhaus. Yeah. You'd be turned on. And a young Robert Smith from the Cure.

Oh, yeah. All of those guys could get it. Really? Oh my God. Simon Gallup. And oh my God, look how cute Robert Smith was as a youngster. That's him right there. God, he's gorgeous.

Really? Yeah. I like him without makeup even. It is really interesting to hear this. You didn't know this about me. No, I know about you. It's interesting to hear another human being say what you're saying. Oh my God, I had this poster in my room growing up.

I feel like it's when you're reading history and they're like, in the 1400s, you know, 300 pound women were considered attracted. And you're like, oh, OK. What do you see when you look at him? You don't think he's cute? No. OK. I'm not hating on him.

I just don't. I like that one. I guess I understand more like the traditional handsome and, you know, like good looking men or I go like, you know, you see Paul Newman or whatever. You know what I mean? Johnny Depp. Right. You go like, yeah, that's a good looking guy.

This to me, I don't get. I get that it's what makes you all sloppy in your chair right now, but I also feel like Yes, I'm piece of shit. That's you. But I also had a 21 Jump Street poster of Johnny Depp, like a life-size one. He was really cute. Yeah, but Depp next to this is that's not comparable. No, I know.

But I'm saying I also like normal boys too. Yeah. That's him now, right? Robert now? Robert now is not pretty. No, that's even like 90s Robert. He melted down. It's not good.

Just that's why I say young. Were you the one that told me or somebody else told me that, um, like some of the superfans of the cure hate that he dates? Like he trades like hotties, right? I'll tell you the story. Yeah. And they're like, Hey. Yeah, I'll tell you.

I'll tell you. How come they don't look like shit like us? Yeah, yeah. So it's the ultimate betrayal in the goth world because I, from a credible source, this girl went backstage one time at the Cure concert. Yeah. Are you listening to me? And the groupies that were there for Robert were all blonde, normal chicks.

Yeah. And she, as well as I felt betrayed because it's like, dude, you're goth, you're supposed to like goth girls. Yeah. And I was so upset that he liked normal looking chicks. Yeah. I mean, isn't that messed up? Like I'm your fan base.

Hello. Yeah. I think it's, I mean, I think it's hilarious. I think it's really fucking funny that the goth girls like you showed up kind of like, do you like the way we're dressed? He's like, I like those models over there. They look pretty good. The Omega Moos.

Yeah. That's who we were. And he wanted the hot chicks. Yeah. See, he's like banging the hotties, but he's been married forever. Sure. He's like, I am a rock star. Yeah.

Do you know what the big plus of this is? Yeah. Yeah. That's his wife, though. They've been married together. That's his wife right there? Ever since like 1980s. Yeah.

Listen, I know a lot about this stuff. Okay. This has been my lifelong obsession. Okay. Speaking of obsessions, I've been diving deep into the monarchy, as you know, and it's the Queens 70. I mean, she's going to be. 90 something.

Yeah. But she's celebrating another jubilee. Oh, Jesus. This is her final. This is the platinum jubilee or whatever. They're like, this is your last cruise. This is our last cruise. Yeah.

And then they're going to shove her into the ocean. She's 95 years old. God. And so I got this magazine that commemorates it. And so do you want to know two crazy facts about the Queen of England? Sure. Number one, show some respect for the Queen when I speak. Okay.

Number one, she does not need a passport to travel. Really? Can you guess why? She can't get to the passport office? No, but that is a good guess. Because it's her emblem and her face on the passport, basically. So it would be like her giving herself permission to leave the country. And she never travels like a normal person anyway.

Yeah. She wouldn't need to go through customs. Right. Like trash like we are. And she gets off the plane. They're like, you can. We know who you are. That's like a weird thing where you don't relate to anybody else's travel experience

ever. You know what I mean? When they come out and look at your passport, you're like, I don't know what you're talking about. I know. And she's on her own boat, the QE2. She gets her own yacht. And shit, it's wild.

It's pretty cool. Okay. And number two, this one's really crazy. Did you know that the Queen can't be prosecuted for any crime? Anywhere in the world? Google it. Well, hold on. I did.

That can't be anywhere in the world. I don't know if it's in the world, but in the UK. That makes sense. In the UK, it makes sense. She cannot. Right. Let me read it to you. She's like, this is my shit.

She has sovereign immunity. It means that as head of the state, Queen Elizabeth cannot commit illegal wrong and is immune from civil suit or criminal prosecution. If you can get the gig. It's a good one. Fuck. Yeah. But her son Andrew just got accused of some rapey shit.

Yeah. He'll be prosecuted. Rapey shit. She dethroned him. She dethroned him. He was friends with Epstein. Epstein. Cool guy.

Cool guy club. Very cool. Yeah. Oh, might be the ultimate most coolest guy ever. We got to have him up on the wall. Yeah. Just an honorary portrait. Yeah.

He earned his place for us. Maybe we don't have any good clips of him. Yeah. He's such a fucking piece of shit. He's the ultimate piece of shit. Yeah. And he wouldn't say that he's a piece of shit. No.

Which makes it less. Right. If he was just like, I got to tell you. I'm a piece of shit. I'm kind of a piece of shit. Yeah. Oh, that's Prince Andrew. Yeah.

So she had to choose her job over her son, essentially, and she just stripped him. I think it was probably easy choice because he's been, he fucked around pretty hard on this one. He's been a knucklehead, as you would say. He has been goofing off for a while, and he was goofing around with Epstein on Epstein's Goofy Island. So I prescribe to the Telegraph. It's an English newspaper because, first of all, their language, their use of language

is so high. I had to look up three vocabulary words just reading their newspaper as something smarter there. Did you ever read USA Today? It's like, weather's bad. Still president. Doing good. Hot dogs.

Sports. Oh, here's the who won games. Business is going to be good this year. You're like, oh, I read the USA Today. Don't they say that the American newspaper is written on a third grade level? That one is, I think. It is. You see it, too.

You go to, you know, like a restaurant or a hotel, and they're like, which newspaper do you prefer? And they'll be like The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, or USA Today. And you're like, do I feel like thinking USA Today? I like color. I like colors. I like big words. Big print.

Big font. But he had a defense, Prince Andrew. I read in the Telegraph that he said he was getting a slice of pizza with his daughter. And that was the pizza defense is what they're calling it. It's like a pizza gate in England right now. Wait, when he was what? Accused of being. So when he was accused of being with that girl, like underage girl, he's like, I couldn't

have been raping. I was having pizza with my daughter. You can't get pizza anymore? Is that a problem? And he said that the girl has a very poor memory. Oh, and then he goes, the girl said she saw me dancing and sweating at an Epstein party. And he goes, I don't sweat. I have a glandular disorder that doesn't allow me to sweat.

Therefore, she is wrong. And if that isn't like law school 101, how they teach you to invalidate somebody's argument. Yeah. That's like you undermine the premise, the basic premise. I don't sweat undermines her argument. It's psychotic. She's got memory problems. Yeah.

And I know this because I hit her on the head. What's fucked up about this whole story? I mean, it's super sad is that you really made me want pizza right now. I know. Can I say like I had pizza for the first time in so long. You son of a bitch. Yeah, it was so good. You piece of shit.

Yeah. You fucking lose it. Yeah, I was so good. How good was it? Dude, I never eat pizza. I know. Neither do I. It's my favorite.

I could eat it every day. Every day. Yeah. Look, there's a lot more to talk about, but we are very excited to welcome our guests. So why don't we take a quick break? OMG. And we will be right back. We are back and we are here very excited.

Well, I'm here for the first time, so I can't say I'm back. Well, but we are back and then we're going to say that. I'm at the Royal V. Oh, yes. Well, we're all now we're all here, but and you are here for the first time. Right. But we are here back welcoming David Cross, his new special. I'm from the future is exclusively available official David cross dot com live stream premieres

February 12th at 5pm. Make sure you check it out. David, welcome. Well, welcome. Yes. It's a Hebraic pronunciation of my name. Oh, it's a joy to share. Such an honor.

We have a it's it's a joyful honor. Thank you. And it's and thank you very much for having me and thank you for allowing me to fly myself out to Austin and put myself up and take lifts everywhere. I appreciate it. Absolutely. We did offer you a buffet for lunch. That's true.

And you're going to get a per diem on your way out. Am I really? Yeah. Is it the salmon? It's it's 30 bucks. All right. Hey, if I can combine that with a one of y'all can give me a ride to the airport. Yeah.

And I'm I'm ahead of it right here. You're sad. Yes. We actually people say this we are really such big fans and I'm I'll prove it to you. When I got to I moved to LA in 2002. Okay. And I was like, I have a good idea. I'm going to go to the groundlings and then I'll do SNL and then I'll do movies.

It's pretty good. Of course. It's a pretty good plan. No one's ever had that plan. No, it was like my plan was like, what are you doing, man? This is really smart of you. And then I was, you know, so I'm like trying to consume as much comedy like as I'm getting into this.

So I go nuts as soon as I find Mr. Show. I mean, I'd seen clips but on HBO, but like now I could rent it and I would just front to back, front to back. And then I believe the same year or maybe the next year, shut up, you fucking baby came out. Yeah, I think 2002. Yeah. Which is the year I moved there.

So we were, I was like in a full David Cross consumption mode and then you're a bit too much. It's almost a lot. It's a lot. But save a little for dessert. She was saying that like the references, it's it's been 20 years since that and we were like, what did you say? Chunky and the Chunky and the Gator, that's been in my mind for 20 years.

I don't know what that is. I think a radio reference that you make up, like making fun of morning radio. The two morning radio. Oh, I remember the bit, the Friday morning fart song. Yeah, Friday morning fart song. Yeah. It's time for the Friday morning fart song. You're like, no, I don't want to do that.

No. I still remember it that goes like that. And then ordering pizza in line of BriBri. Oh. What the Chevron love. Right. Yes. I do remember that.

And you told him BriBri. So my cousin is Brian. So ever since then he's been BriBri. And like, you know, like Christmas is written on presents and his mom's like, who is BriBri? And we're like, it's your son. And like, that's who BriBri is. Good. I'm glad it had that lasting.

BriBri. Dude, it was. For so many years. So many bits we've quoted of yours over the years. To have it out, like the album, the thing about it is when you start, like one thing before you do stand up and you watch stand up and you're like, you know, that's really funny. But when you start doing stand up and you then you're listening to stand up, it affects

your mind totally differently. You're like, Oh, and so your album, that album in particular for me was like, I had just started doing stand up. And then I'm like, Oh, I didn't realize like this is possible because you had like, you did really long form. It's like, Well, that, yeah, that was the last, that was, I think, I don't know, second or last tour where I would go and I would just drink the whole time and I'd drink before I got

on stage. And then I would go, I would do sets until I had to go to the bathroom. And then it's, you know, some of them were like close to three hours going on and on and on. And it's very self-indulgent. I don't know that I could get away with it nor would I want to today, but it was also kind of, you know, it was obviously a lot younger and it was, you know, I had bands opening up for me and I would do music clubs and stuff.

And it was just a different vibe and there's just a lot of drinking, lots of drinking. Yeah. Well, that doesn't come through in my mind at all. It was just that it was like, the funny thing, the way I would describe it, it was like very loose. Yes. Extremely loose. But it felt like tight bits.

So it's like loose presentation, but the bits are all, like the jokes are all there. They all work. Well, that's good. And it kind of, I thought it was important to kind of capture the energy and the looseness. It's a little too loose for my taste and I kind of went the other way subsequently and I remember when I was putting it together, like there's, you know, there were, I don't know, probably 30 dates that I recorded somewhere around there between 25 and 30 shows. For that album?

For that. Yeah. It was a tour that I just, I had done this tour with some bands and then literally was driving to the very last date in Savannah, I was in a van with the band and I got a call out of the blue from SUPOP, who I didn't know, you know, and they were asking me about, you know, putting out an album and I was like, wow, I'm at the, literally the last date of this tour, but yeah, put some more dates together. And so we did that and did the rest of the country and then, but what I was starting

to say was that it was, you're hearing the tighter parts. Sure. Right. And I would be listening to it going, oh man, I can't believe I forgot to say that or I've used the wrong word or I'm stumbling or I'm slurring or, you know, like especially toward bits towards the end of the set. But so you're hearing the cogent parts. I got you.

Yeah. Well, the cogent stuff works, man. It was fun. It was probably the most fun I've ever had on tour. It was a blast. I think for like a new standup too, like I would even recommend somebody like starting out. The thing that I took from it the most other than being like a fan of it and liking it

was that I associate you with being like a high risk comedian, like you take risks. And but you don't see that that much, even with like, you know, you see big successful acts and they're not taking risks. So like to me, I was like, it was like, oh wow, this guy really will say some wild shit and like it might not work, but then when it does work, it's going to fucking be amazing. You know? Yeah. It really does.

Yeah. Yeah. But that's what that's what's exciting. Right? How much shit am I going to get thrown at me tonight? Yeah. Yeah. You must have, I bet you have epic stories of.

Yeah. Well, I mean, I was saying this earlier to your producer that I with and I'll kind of come back around to some other stories, but I with this latest special, I will regret until the day I die that I didn't get to tour America with this material. Oh, right. Because it's one thing to do it in Brooklyn, you know? Yeah. But to do it in, you know, Tampa or, you know, some of the more conservative parts of the

country and the South and the Midwest and, you know, places where I've had interesting shows. You know, I mean, it'll always be a disappointment because this latest thing is, I had to cancel my tour and I knew that by the time I got out on tour, most of this material I wasn't going to be doing a year from now or whenever I would be able to go out again because I'm about to start on this project with Bob Odenkirk and his brother Bill that we sold and who knows how long it'll be before I get to go out again. And I, you know, very quickly put this together and, you know, called some producers and got

some cameras down there, a place that I play at a lot in Brooklyn called the Bell House and I just put it together very quickly just to have it, you know, to do something with it. But it'll be a big regret that I, you know, couldn't, because I had so much, so many people walking out when I did Making America Great Again and, in part, a lot of it and I dress it in the thing, in the special, but it's like people, you know, I'm doing these large theaters and there are people who just didn't know who I was and weren't familiar with my material.

It's fantastic. They're like, I love you on the range of development. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Oh, right. I didn't even think of that angle. Oh, yeah. I think it's mostly, yeah.

And, you know, they're getting increasingly angry. Who's this guy? Why did I get a babysitter on this? And, you know, and so, you know, a lot of people, I shouldn't say a lot of people, but most shows had at least, you know, a couple of people leaving. Sometimes quietly and sometimes very, very vocally. That is great not knowing who you're going to see. I fucking love that.

And they're like, this will be something I like. I'm not going to look it up. It's the, it's the Scary Movie 2 guy. Yeah, yeah. Just shoot me guy. And, oh, he's got a potty mouth. Yeah. How dare he say that about Christ?

Yeah. So. And then it's over and they leave. But yeah, I mean, there were, and the last tour, this was probably my favorite, and the last tour I did, which resulted in Oh, Come On. I was doing a theater in Pittsburgh that I've done a bunch and I always have, you know, look forward to it. It's a, I have good shows there.

I want to say it was the Homestead. Is that Daniel Bell? Yeah. Carnegie Mellon. That's it. Yeah. And, and I was doing the show and every once in a while, you know, they'll have security. I didn't ask for security.

I mean, I certainly don't want to pay for it, but there's a secret, you know, guy on either side of the stage in case a mosh pit breaks out, I guess. But this guy, I was not even 20 minutes into the set. And I haven't even, even the bit I was doing. I hadn't gotten to the juicy stuff. And the guys, you know, from the stage, and he's yells, he's like, fuck this fucking bullshit. I quit.

And he, the security guy. And I see him with this security on his, on his windbreaker jacket leaving. And it was, and people thought it was a bit. Of course. Because his timing was perfect. I literally, that's where you'd script him to say that. Yeah. And I was like, too, well, I haven't even gotten to anything yet.

Yeah. A security guy? Security guy. Well, you offended his sensibilities that much. Yeah. That's fucking amazing. That's great. When you, when you get security, the guys are supposed to be protecting you, uh, quitting.

Yeah. Not giving you a look or saying something, quitting their job. Yeah. In a huff, loud, vocally marching up the aisle. That was a long aisle. It was a fairly good walk. Yeah. Can I ask you questions I've wanted to ask you for 20 years?

Uh, sure. Okay. Um. Are they, is this going to get, Tom, you don't, you know, you're shaking your head. Okay. Go for it. Do it. Yeah.

No. Um, just silly things. I always wonder. So you're obviously very intelligent. Were you a good student? No. Uh, not. Um, you know, part of it was, uh, I moved constantly when I was a kid.

And I, um, I was just trying to figure this out with my wife. Uh, um, but I didn't follow her on Instagram. Okay. Um, she's, she's a great feminist. Um, I didn't attend the same school for, for two years in a row until I was in sixth grade, I think. So, uh, no seventh grade. There would have been seventh grade.

Um, why were you moving so much? Uh, I mean the pithy answer is, uh, uh, my dad got fired a lot. Um, and, and that's really kind of true. But, um, I don't have a relationship with my dad anymore. I haven't talked to him in almost 40 years, but, um, he, he was one of those guys who was just, you know, nothing was his fault ever. And he was always the victim and he was one of those, you can't fire me. I quit guys, you know, and it was like, well, you can't quit cause I fired you.

But anyway. Um, so we were, we just were constantly moving and, um, and then where we settle, I was born in, in Georgia and then we settled back there when I was a nine. And, um, and, and then immediately got evicted from the, uh, the apartments we were in. Um, uh, and just went through a bunch of different schools and then, you know, public education in Georgia is not, not that great. And then I eventually, uh, went to a school of the arts in high school in 10th grade and that kind of saved my life a little bit.

Um, uh, I mean, I was, my mom was, uh, an avid reader and very bookish and, um, and not that I was homeschooled in any way, but she taught me to, you know, read and the love of reading. And, uh, so I read a ton when I was a kid, lots and lots and lots, you know, um, but I was not a good student. No. What do you like to read? Nowadays, I mean, I, I try to make myself read fiction more.

I used to read just fiction and then I got, um, kind of when Bush, uh, George Bush was elected, I started reading more nonfiction and it, and it just upset me, you know, and I was reading lots and lots of nonfiction, but I, I had a whole, uh, like 19th century Russian literature was my thing. Wow. Um, but I mean, they're great stories. Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, Gogol and, uh, Dostoevsky and, uh, I mean, uh, and then this is early 20th century, but, um, uh, the master Margarita and things, uh, you know, in that world, um, I loved, I loved that stuff, loved it. Um, and then I, you know, I, I just, I read, uh, I've read everything Charles Portis has written, um, Dennis Johnson, uh, both dead, but they're, all their stuff is amazing. And then, uh, a lot of Vonnegut, that, you know, that kind of stuff. Jesus, he can really read. Yeah, this guy reads.

Yeah. He's got a reader. He's got a reading over here. Jesus. What's this guy on about? What's he like, thinks he's better than everybody reading? Well, I love that about, I love that about you. He's a literary comedian and, you know, you make references and you can tell your mind

works. Well, you're going to turn everybody off to watching this. No, I mean, look, my mind. I don't want to watch this. Dogfarts, that's my next talking point. So I think I've always admired that. You go like, oh, I like, I really got a brain on him. Yeah.

Wow. Good. So are you, are you an only child? Were you like an introvert? No, um, I was, I'm the oldest of three. I was the only boy. Um, I have two younger sisters. Uh, and I guess you could figure that out by what I said.

It was like, um, yeah, so I have two younger sisters. Um, and, and, you know, I just, I, I was kind of a mix of, I wouldn't say it was introverted, but it was quite often, you know, as, as you might have experienced when you were younger, the, you know, I was, I was also Jewish in, um, in Georgia and. Which is fun, right? Oh, it's awesome. Yeah. Um, yeah, they treat you with extra special there.

Um, and, uh, and also I was clearly Jewish, like I had a Jew fro and I had, you know, coke bottle glasses with tape around, you know, I just was comically looked like that. And, and, you know, it was very, at least when I was a kid there, it was very Southern Baptist. And, um, and so I, I kind of stuck out and, uh, and it was also comedy guy and, and comedy guys got kind of picked on, you know, and, and as I said, until I moved into the city of New Atlanta and went to the school of the arts, I was in, you know, the kind of high school you see depicted, um, you know, like Friday night lights type of things, but with, with, you know, no black people and just, uh, the, you know, if you were a football player,

you were God and that's all they cared about. And, um, you know, the classic, like getting dumped into a trash can and stuffed into a locker, all that kind of shit. And it was, you know, not, uh, I was pretty slight and I was, it's the perfect formula to make you who you are. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's amazing to me because, you know, we all just moved here from LA. And where, where are you all from originally? She's, well. LA. Yeah, LA. I, I moved around a lot like you did. So I moved, I was born in Cincinnati, then I was in Minneapolis, then I lived in Milwaukee, then I lived in Florida.

Oh, wow. And he has two sisters. I have two sisters, yes. Oh, interesting. You the oldest? I'm the middle. Um, but one of the things that Nadavis told me is that he, in LA, you know, he went to like Jewish schools and, you know, obviously that's a huge city.

And he, he's like, I've met people here who are like, nah, like you're Jewish? I've never met in somebody like me before. I'm like, what? Yeah. And they're like, yeah, man, that's pretty wild. I'm like, fucking crazy to me that they're like, okay, I've seen her in movies and stuff. Yeah, we're, um, so no horns? I thought there were, so you don't, so you, you, are you able to have them removed or

how does that work? I'm not trying to be a dick. I'm just going off of what I know. Yeah. It's wild, man. I mean, 2022 and they're like, never met one before. Yeah. That's crazy.

Well, to their, to their knowledge, they've known. They're like, I bank, I go to the bank and I, you know. And of course I watch TV. So I know you all have something to do with that. Yeah. I go to the bank. Yeah. So they know.

I love the idea that somebody would think that everybody who works in the bank. Got to be. Would be Jewish. Who's counting the money in the bank? It's just, and in their, in their mind, it's just like an old rabbi. Yeah. You know. Captain Shackles.

21. Thank you, Jesus. All right. Another stack of snickles. Are you, um, your thing that you said you're going to do with Odenkirk? Is it sketch related or no? Like a, um, no, it is not. It is a limited series.

Uh, I can't say too much about it. Sure. Um, uh, shortly we'll be able to, but, um, it's, uh, yeah. It's me and Bob and his brother, Bill. He was a writer and producer of Mr. Show. Dude, that, I mean, that show is unbelievable. Like, I do appreciate more now removed from it, like how fucking, I mean, we all watch sketch shows growing up, but that, that show was whole so different.

Then like the, the way you guys would tie things back together. Oh, Mr. I thought you were talking about in living color. I'm sorry. Yeah. Okay. Uh, Mr. Show. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Um, I couldn't believe it. I mean, I was like, how the fuck are they doing this? Oh, that, I mean, that was, you know, one of the things, I mean, it's a pain in the ass and it took us a lot of time. But, uh, and one of the things is if you ever see us pulling out of a poster or a coffee mug or something that's a lame transition like that, it means we gave up after two days of trying to figure out.

Two days going like, how do we get from the, I don't know the sketches, but you know, the Mississippi Fun Bucks to the thing of the day again, like we spent two days. Yeah. They were like, fuck it, just pull out of a goddamn poster. Get out of it. You know, move on. Let's get to that. How would you know when you've, when, when you felt like I found a good one, like a good,

you know what I mean, like transition or tie in? Um, well, sometimes they were just tiny ideas that we had, uh, that we had no, they were like tiny little bits that we just didn't have a, uh, we couldn't make bigger. We couldn't, um, uh, and they were, we put everything up on the board. So, so the way it worked was Bob and I would meet for a month and kind of informally, we would just write to talk about ideas, um, write sketches and then, uh, put all these things up on a board, you know, uh, you know, index cards and then, and then the, uh, the all the other writers would come in and we'd start, you know, more seriously kind of

attacking ideas. And then we would, uh, uh, a lot of times kind of stumble upon an idea for, uh, what the idea would be like an opening or, and we'd have, we'd separate things from film bits to live bits to little mini scenes that sometimes ended up being transitions. Either we'd cut them down and go, oh, this is a great way to transition. If we can figure out in, you know, an intro to this, then we've got the outro and blah, blah, blah. Sure.

Um, and then you just put all everything up on the board and then you start putting things, you trying to get a, a feel for the show, like you don't want too many short bits in a row. You don't want too many film pieces. You don't want, you know, too many long pieces. You gotta move this stuff around. So you're moving stuff around and then it occurs to you like, oh my God, this idea about the sausage thing would be a great link from this to this.

We can just change it a little bit. And so, you know, quite often that's how it would come about. And sometimes you'd have to just come up with a transition and sometimes you did, sometimes you didn't. That feels like the kind of thing when you watch it, that you go like, this seems like HBO did not get in your way. Not at all. Not at all.

It was, it was, you know, early, early on, you know, for HBO and their, their whole thing was, you know, we, we are trying to market ourselves as not being anything, you know, you, you're not going to be able to see this anywhere else. You're not going to be able to see it on network. Um, I don't know if there was there even another cable ship back then and the, I mean, maybe at some point in time. Yeah, maybe. It wasn't even.

No, no, it was, there was a Ha channel, but even that was kind of corporate, you know. But HBO is the fucking mountaintop. I mean, that was like. Yeah. And that, you know, there was the, uh, Chris Rock show and, and what was it around there? It was like, uh, Tracy Ollman. Yes. And, uh, and there wasn't a ton of stuff.

And so their whole thing was like, go, you know, do, we only got one note in four years. What? We only got one note that we, we had to take. And that was, um, outside of they, they insisted that we, uh, add our names to the title. It originally was just Mr. So and, and we were kind of reluctant to put the, with Bob and David, but they insisted on that. And then the only other thing that we was a note we had to take was there was, uh, uh,

opening. Oh, I think it was, I think it was an idea about. How to make an artistic kid or something like that. Or, uh, anyway, the opening was, uh, uh, like dream sequences or flashbacks, I should say. And, um, and it's, I run over to the stage to us. And I'm in like a twenties outfit, like a big fur raccoon fur coat. And, uh, and Maryland rice cub was like the mom and I was the, my dad. And then she had, uh, she had a baby and, um, you know, plastic baby dog, whatever.

That was supposed to be me. And, and I'm like, oh, look at this little kid. Look at this boyfriend snapper. Oh, get you. Get you. Get you. And she's like, I think you, uh, I think you like this baby more than me. I was like, I love this baby.

Look at it. And she goes, fuck the baby and throws the baby down. And that was the one line. They said, you can't say fuck the baby. Wow. In four years. Wow. That's pretty incredible.

Was that one of those things where you felt like you want to fight over it? Or are you like, okay. Absolutely. You know, they're like, okay. Fuck the baby. Yeah. And we, you know, there, there might have been one thing like, uh, really? Can we not?

Can we, what if we say this? Like, no. And we're like, okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Four years. That's pretty impressive.

That's pretty impressive. Yeah. Jesus. Wow. Just don't fuck these babies. That's basically it. Yeah, baby fucking. I get it.

But the, the other thing was, and they knew this as well. It's like, obviously we're not saying have. No. We're not, not even, don't, don't bother arguing. I love that show. And Mary Lynn Rice Cub, buddy of ours, she's been on this show a couple of times too. Mary Lynn's great. So fantastic.

She's fantastic. I love you guys. It was such an, it was like, I think we just lucked out Tom and I getting to grow up watching you guys. Like you're the class ahead of us. So I don't know. It was so fucking great. I'm always, always, uh, thrilled and it's a little kind of, you know, almost heartwarming

in a way to, to know that we had that effect. Oh, definitely. We had a kind of a positive influence on. And just the golden age, like you guys, you could say shit. You could just say shit and you're not, there's no threat of being killed. Yeah. Well, uh, it's, you know, uh, interesting that you say that in light of, you know, um, so Bob and I reunited as it were for Netflix we did with Bob and David.

And there's, this is so crazy to me. I mean, it's just absurd, uh, but there was a sketch that we did that we were both really proud of. We really liked it. And it took us a long time to, to kind of, it probably went through about 11 drafts and that's a lot. I mean, usually you'll have like four or five, but this went through so many drafts, uh, before we kind of figured it out and got it right.

But it was called, uh, know your rights. And it was, um, uh, at the time we wrote it, those, uh, kind of self-made YouTube things that were really popular though, these guys, and they're really funny. The guys are like, okay, um, I am, a lot of them in Texas too. Uh, okay. I am, uh, right now I am, uh, driving and I have, uh, I'm going to exercise my right to open carry or whatever the fuck it is and they film themselves and they try to get in altercations and cops and so, so the idea was this guy was doing it, uh, to know your

rights. You, you know, if a cop pulls you over, you have this and this and this and, uh, but the, the cop who's black, uh, is very accommodating and not, uh, there it is. Yeah. So that's the, can people, are people watching this or listening this? Well, they're both listening. But the ones who are watching are seeing. Pull over then.

Jesus Christ. Pull over. So that, uh, there it is, new police brutality. So that sketch right there, um, and, uh, and Keegan Michael Key, uh, who's great, plays the cop and he's black, uh, and he's just very, I'm, the character's trying to bait him and goes further and further and further because he's trying to, you know, prove this point and the cops just like, no, it's okay, you don't have to close your window. Yeah.

And so like the fourth or fifth step in, he ends up, uh, donning black face, uh, going this, this, well, this'll do it. Yeah. And then he goes up and, uh, and the cops like, what, you know, he's totally cool. Yeah. And then J. Johnston, his partner who's white comes in and is like, this the guy who's bothering you and just pulls me out of the car, tasers me and beats the shit out of me immediately. So there are like four levels to why the black face is there.

It's not a guy. It's, there's, and there's, uh, uh, several points that are made in the entirety of the sketch, which is kind of a, I like to think a, a Mr. Show hallmark where we have levels to it and, uh, and Netflix, you know, somebody wrote a letter, something, somebody wrote an email and Netflix pulled the entire episode. No. Yeah. It's not, you can't, if you go to Netflix and, and so it used to be on, yeah, it used

to be on. It was on for, I don't know. And it was probably on for, I don't know exactly what they guess, like several months, maybe even a year before anybody said something. And the way that it's discussed is, uh, well, he's wearing black, like not context, not what the sketch is about. It's like, you have a guy in black, dude, that's, that is, that is the, uh, that's the hallmark of today.

Yeah. So that's the thing that bothers me more than any other aspect of any of this shit is that people, supposedly intellectual people, uh, are not interested in context for anything. Yeah. They don't care. You said that word, you made that face, you, uh, put on, you know, black face, you did this and that, you know, whatever the thing is, they do not care about context. It's insane.

It's so anti-intellectual. Yes. Well, the worst part is that like something like that, the worst part is when it's, uh, written about because the way it's written will always be like, and then David Cross wore black face and it's just like, and then it'll be like in a sketch and then you're like, I guess you're reading it. You're like, I guess the sketch is that it's funny that he's in black face, you know? That's how it'd be written about.

No, there's no, there's no, um, and this, you know, this also applies to, you know, stand up for the interview you might have or something and, and, and, you know, people take something out of context and they'll just run the passage and they won't, you know, see that it's perhaps bookended by two different ideas that come back around and, and, and it's just, oh, Jesus, if you took most of my material, I mean most and took it out of context, I mean, I'm just, I should be in prison. Yeah. You know?

That's why they're so great. Yeah. There's a few ones we've quoted. Uh, but, but the thing is too, it's like the, the people who take it out of the context the most, I feel like, are actually intellectual people. They're people who are... Yes, that's, that's why it's, that's why the fact that it's anti-intellectual so, uh, uh, you know, irritating and, and, and frustrating.

And, and we stand up to, like, whenever it's, you know, whenever somebody's mad about a stand up bit, they never include really the fact that this is done in an arena, like a space where there is an unspoken agreement that we're all here for this. Yeah. I want to see the funny guy say wild shit and like, and, and I, and, and like, he's not gonna go, this part, this is sarcasm, this is satire. Yeah. And, and then the, um, when people are, uh, are then, the people are angry are then saying,

this is what he said, then they're starting to do your bit without your, and they don't have the, uh, skill or the ability or the intuitive ability to present a stand up bit. Of course. And they're going to paraphrase things and they're just, and, you know, if you read a transcript of stand up, it's not, it's like, huh, okay. Also, there might be a reason why you chose to do a specific bit at minute 32. Yeah. Like maybe you bought some goodwill for the first 31 minutes and you're like, and maybe

something's going to come around. Yeah. Sure. It's, it's so infuriating. When did this happen? Yeah. I had no idea about that. Uh, I don't know.

As I said, it was probably, I mean, it was, it was several months and if it may be a year ago, uh, I mean, at least it had been up for at least a year, I would say. Well. It's not longer. I have faith that the tide is turning, especially with what happened with Dave Chappelle this time around with Netflix and they didn't cave. Did they cave? No.

No. I mean, they actually, they said something and then they were like, fuck, we handled that wrong. And then like, but the point is that they, they didn't allow people to say. To cancel. Well, the other, the mitigating factor here is, you know, he has, uh, they invested, you know, $50 million into it and then he gets a shit ton of eyeballs and I don't think Bob and David got nearly.

You guys got 44 million. We got, we got 49 and a half million. And it was all spent on that sketch. Yeah. That's a lot of money, man. You think they'd want it up? No, you can't see it. So the only place they can see it is like on your hard drive.

Is that what? Well, I guess you pulled it up on YouTube, right? Maybe. It lives somewhere, but is that, but you, that's, that's not just a still, right? You can actually see the bit because they took the whole episode down. Yeah. Can you see that bit? So I don't know.

Does it, do any of those play? That's YouTube. Yeah. YouTube. Oh yeah. Yeah. So that, yeah, that's it, but they took the whole, it's a good bit too. It's a, it's a, I mean, it's, it's one of the better ones we did, I think.

We were definitely going to save that for me. Oh, it's premium too. Oh, that's good. YouTube premium. Oh. When I was a kid, I would just dream of YouTube premium as a little boy. Hey, why don't you ask, because you haven't really talked to that with me, David, about what you proposed about my arm.

So my husband had a horrific accident last December where he broke his tibia. You don't say it right when you say your, no, no, you're so far off. It's called a patella tendon. Patella, but it sounds like it should be patella. Right. Because it is your patella, but it's your patella tendon. Like he's British. I'm going to go with the guy who had this happen to me.

Yeah, thank you. And probably talked, you were, you were in the room when the doctor was working on you, right? I was. The multiple doctors. And your ears were all working and straight? They were working and they were like, just so you know, you're saying it wrong. And I was like, thanks.

So he broke his patella tendon and you snapped your arm. Yeah, broke my arm too. It's horrendous. And he had multiple. What happened? I fell. That's it? My lord, what, how did you?

I was trying to dunk. And when I pushed off my tendon snapped and then I landed on my arm. And don't worry, it's covered on video multiple angles. Yeah. Old man. Old man tries to dunk. Yeah. Yeah.

It was pretty cool. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to hear that. So we had nerve damage. So they reset the arm, right? And like seven months later, they took a nerve from here and they moved it here, right? It's like a new surgery. It's an experimental surgery.

The guy's only done it once before. Yeah, it was pretty neat to learn that. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I was like, this sounds pretty wild. And how did that one work out? He didn't tell me.

But I did learn. I saw him yesterday. That's why I was in LA. And I did learn. Boy, he has some nerve. Yeah. He does. He can use that.

I'm going to use that. I have. No, that doesn't work. The nerve of some. Yeah. The nerve of some doctors? Well, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, let's workshop it.

Okay, let's workshop it. But then he told me yesterday, he goes, he was doing the follow-up and he goes, I guess what I'm doing tomorrow. I go, what? He goes, my third. Yeah. He's number two. My third operation.

I love a glib doctor. Yeah. He's actually very funny when he called me when he came out of surgery. He had a good sense of humor. But anyway, so I had this thought like, what if Tom woke up from that surgery? You tell me what you first proposed. Yeah, don't skip that. All right.

This is going to be better. So the first one was, what if you woke up and he's like, your arm's great, but I gave you a bonus. And he's like, and he looks down and he gave him the biggest blackest dick, the guy from the COVID memes, like that size. And then she said, When you say the blackest dick, are you talking color or? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like the guy from the COVID memes. It's super dark and it's super big. And then when I say to that, she goes in, then I go, why did you do that to me? He goes, well, I thought you needed it. You know? Thought I would help you out. So I was like, cool. I saw you.

Even though you're married. To her. Right. And she's never told me that it's that bad. She's like, you could use a huge black one though. So she asked me how I would react. And I said, actually, as enticing as most men might think to be like, oh, what if I go, I think I'd be pretty upset.

I'd be like, what the fuck, man? Like you just gave me a 10 inch, huge black. This is not going to serve. He could have gotten a dildo. Go down the street. Amazon Prime for crying out loud. Go to Prime. Like, what's the babes in Toyland?

Right. I would be upset. But I just thought it'd be funny if that's his whole thing. He's like, and I hooked you. I was trying to hook you up. And I'd be like, I'm going to sue you, man. But then she said, what if. OK.

You wake up. He wakes up. And he's got, the arm works perfectly. It's a new arm. So it raises success. But it's a brand new arm. And the arm has the most hateful. It was a white supremacist arm, like a prisoner's arm.

All swastikas and like the n-word everywhere. But it works better. But she's like, he's like, how great is this arm though? Yeah. It's pretty strong. That's it. I like that. I mean, there's a sketch right there.

Right. You're halfway to a sketch. Yeah. Right. But why couldn't it be the biggest blackest arm? Now we're talking. You're like, honey, fuck me with that arm. Wait, that's funny too.

What if it's like a big black arm? People are like, what do you. You're going to be a major dick smaller, but it's going to be a huge black arm. Yeah, that's the trade-off. It has nothing. Why? Well, we fixed your arm. We got a good news.

We were able to fix your arm. It was several hours of surgery. It's going to work great. Awesome. It might be a little bit of nerve damage initially, you're just going to feel like that and we shortened your dick and then we were able to get, wait, wait, I'm sorry, what? Can you go back to that? What would you say?

Yes. We shortened your penis and then we were able to get your arm just perfectly intact. Why did you shorten my penis though? You know, we were there. You were under. We had the equipment, but your arm is going to work perfectly well and your range of motion is going to be even better. I can feel that, but I don't understand why my penis is so much smaller now.

Well, because we shortened it. So anyway, your fingers will be able to grasp and you should be able to lift even more than you. Can you lengthen it again? I mean, we could technically, but why would we? Because I mean, it was all I had and now it's so much smaller now. Yes. I know.

We were doing, I don't understand what you're not understanding, we were operating on your arm. It was a very difficult. Look, the arm works fucking fine, man. It's great. Well, you're welcome. Congratulations. This is not even.

And so we shortened your penis. I know. It's like half an inch. Yeah. This is all, you're focusing on the wrong thing here. No, you're focusing on the wrong thing. Wow. Wow.

See, you did it. That was amazing. David and Tom. Now, that was a treat. Thank you. Wasn't there that podcast about the doctor, is it Dr. Depp, where he claimed to be a doctor who could do surgery and he performed and he was not qualified? Wait, you're talking about a sketch or a real surgery?

No, it was a real person. Yeah, yeah. No, there was. They did like a mini, you know, a mini series or what do we call it? There's a few of these because there's also, do you remember like the teenage black kid in Florida who was like, I'm a doctor. Do you remember that kid? No, vaguely.

Yeah, that was pretty awesome. He was so young. I'm sure you can. Like Doogie Hauser? It's different than the, like there's doctors that have butchered people and performed horrific operations, but this kid was in the, he was national news. He was like 17 or something and he was giving up. He was seeing people for appointments and then somebody got onto it.

The lady who was giving, not Botox, but like doing, I think she was in Florida. She was doing plastic surgery and killed people. Oh, really? Yeah. She killed people and she had no training, no authority and she was like, yeah, come over to my apartment. It's, you know, unit 118, I'm in the, yeah, do you have an image of that kid? Yeah, like why would you trust that doctor though?

Yeah. Yeah, that's the kid. Wow. Now that's a sitcom. And it just said, arrest it again, which means he must be like, again. And I love the kind of yearbook, high school yearbook pose. And also, like if you were just like, all right, I guess I'm going to go see this doctor. And that kid was like, here's what you need, David.

Do you need to be like, are you 18 or something? Yeah. Where are your credentials? Oh, look at the mug shot. Where's the mug shot? Right underneath his high school. He still looks credible though. Oh.

And look at these other pose shots where he's got the... Yeah. Looks like a family business. Yeah. They're like, look, you're really smart. You're a doctor. God. Wow.

What's he arrested for again? Is it the same thing? Like in that link? The one that... I can't even imagine. Yeah. That right there. Yeah.

When did he get the photos taken? That's an interesting point. Stealing $10,000 from his employer, hired him after his release from prison. Oh, shit. That sucks. Oh, he got arrested for something completely different. Yeah. Cool.

I hope he represents himself. Sir, as you know, I'm a lawyer, but my name is Dr. Lawyer and... Oh, no, he also stole 35 grand from an elderly patient he pretended to treat. Damn. Dr. Love. And when he walked into his office, they played that kiss song. Oh, my God. That's fucking fantastic.

Can you put your cans on for just one second? Yeah, yeah. I just thought in honor of the Friday morning fart song, we could play this for you. This came in today. This fart is for Brian. This unclean beast of a cornbread cheek clapper has been brewing for you. The creme de la creme of all butt puffs. And it's extra special just for you.

Use some of a little biscuit. Hope you like this pootsie powder puff of an anal pastry filthy fart box. Oh, wow. Here you go. That's pretty cool. Jeez. Whoa. That's impressive.

Yeah. At first I was kind of... Hopefully that made your day. Yeah. How do you feel now? It's impressive and you know, I don't like to kink shame, but you know, I do. Yeah. Yeah.

I've never fucked a puffer fish before, but look at that. Since we're here, can I show you my mom farting? Sure. Okay. This is real. Okay. And this is genuine. We threw the TMZ stuff on it because I didn't want to steal my footage.

Oh, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Is that for you? That's my mom, yeah. Wow. Now, I'm sorry, I got to ask. Like, did you know she was going to do that?

It was a magical moment. It really was. So, you were... So, obviously, I've grown up with this lunatic and she's farted crazily my whole life. Uh-huh. So, we're always, you know, the kids, my dad, we were teasing her, right, and always saying things to her. And...

I got to say, I'm sorry to interrupt, but she doesn't move. Yeah. A muscle. Oh, yeah. She holds... She moves a muscle, but she doesn't... She's like just... Yeah.

Do whatever she's doing over the sink, and then... Because moments... She had said something, like, I have guests or something, and I was like, I bet you can't rip one of your famous farts. And she turned, and it was just one of those moments that, as I said it, and I'm like, oh, gosh, she's going to do it right now. And I had my phone in my hand, and I just hit that, you know, the camera app, and I was just like...

And it just was... It was meant to be. Well, because it was that motionless thing you're talking about, that frozen, I think that's your cue, that you knew something was coming. Right, right, right. That's what she does. I mean, also, it was like on cue. I mean, I hit record, and it was like...

So lucky. And action. How does she feel about the new fame? Well, it cost me a lot. This cost me... Because when I had it, I was like, this is going on my podcast. She was like, this is not going to happen. And I was like, yes, she's going to cost you a lot.

So I had to like... So what did it cost you? It ended up costing me like a whole series of two-me luggage, a couple trips to Casino. She likes to play the slats. Oh, you mean it literally costs... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She demands stuff. Yeah, stuff.

Lots of stuff. I love it. That's great. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's... She likes Casino. She likes... And she likes...

She's a real... Like, what kind of free shit can I get? Like, all the time? So, like, even like a month ago, she goes, there are no cars. I'm looking for a car. I'm like, I know this is code for will you buy me a car. And she's like, no, there just are none. I go, there's 15 dealerships, like three miles from your house.

And she's like, I can't find a car. And then I go, well, what kind of car do you want? She's like, something simple, like a Hyundai or something. Like, you want a Hyundai? Okay. They work that out. Next day, she goes, do you know what I like? Range Rover.

I'm like, that's not a fucking Hyundai. It's a bit of a leap. Yeah. Those are two ends of the spectrum. Yeah, yeah, that's the opposite end of Hyundai. She always pretends to like the more horrible thing. Yeah, that's what she does. And if you pull up in a Hyundai, she'd go, David, I like this car.

I wish I could have one. I'm like, you can have one. You can go get one. You can get the 30,000. That is, I'm glad I don't have to deal with that for my mom. Like, you know, like an expectation from anybody really in my family, an expectation that like, well, you've made money. How am I getting in on this?

Oh, yeah. Oh, no, she's hard. She's in parking. Yeah. She's in sixth gear on that. Yeah, she's ready to go. I mean, it is partially like Latin culture where like it's just her upbringing and that whole world of like.

That the kids do. The kids, but also like someone who has can do this and should. Like, you know, somebody of means like, that's fine. They can spare it because they have. But here's the thing, you're American. Right. You got to remind your mom. Oh, yeah.

You may be Latin. Yeah. Latin. Yeah. It was a Latina. Latina. Latinx. Latina.

Please. Latinina. Latinina. Yeah. You're Latinina, but I'm full-blooded American mom. Yeah. I live here. Doesn't jive with how it was raised.

She does this shit too where she's like, I want the new iPad. I'm like, cool. And then she'll mention it a bunch. I'm like, here you go. She's like, thank you. Gets it. I'm like, I guess I'm good for a while, right? Nope.

Because Apple just released a new fucking iPhone. She's like, I need the new. I'm like, fucking go buy it. You know, it's, it's, I don't mean to sound harsh at all, but it's kind of like in, in my neighborhood where I've lived for several years. And there are two, there's, there's a bunch, but there's two kind of main guys who beg for money and everyone knows them. And, and I have this relationship with this one.

His name's Josh. And it's, they, the guys kind of like compete with each other in a sense or I should say they, they don't, they don't work the same places, you know, like Josh is going to stand in front of the grocery store and Abraham is going to be over here by two blocks down by the bodega and, and they kind of stay out of each other's way. And, but I have a relationship, a very strange relationship where I have that same feeling like, okay, I gave him $11. I pulled what I had out.

I gave him $11. So surely that buys me like a week, right? And then, and it really only comes if I give $10 or more. If I give him five bucks, then he's going to, then he's going to ask again. And, and I, you know, I pass him several times a day, you know? Yeah. And then, but if I give him over $10, then it kind of, I get a smile and a wink and it kind of buys me.

We're good for a minute. Yeah. That's interesting what that sweet number is. Yeah. Like what's the spot? I just stumbled upon it. But what if you gave him a 20? Would that buy you?

I've given him a 20 before and I, and it came from conversations like, Josh, I gave you $10. This is all real. Josh, I gave you $10 on Thursday. And it's always about getting something to eat. And, you know, unless they're, unless they're making, you know, vodka burritos, I don't think he's spending it on food, but he's like, but like, but he has, and he said this a couple of times.

And I, and I actually kind of welcomed it, even though it irritates me. Like, you know, and do the praying hand saying, like, if you give me $20, Dave, Dave, Dave, if you give me $20, I'm so hungry. If you give me $20, I won't ask you for a week or a month or whatever. I was like, all right, Josh, here's 20 bucks. All right. And, and it's like I, it's like I bought his. Yeah.

Yeah. I would say that's a month, a month, $20 buys you a month. Why don't you give him like 500 bucks and go, don't ever fucking talk to me again. And really menacing thing. I'll crack your fucking head wide open if you talk to me again. I would not do that. Tom would. And I feel, here's another thing, and it's just terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible

what I'm about to say. It really is when you know it. Please. Yes. Please. But sometimes you go for a stretch, a good, you know, like say, I don't see him for a week, you know, and, and I'll think I'll be like, oh man, you know, Josh is hanging out and outside of Key Foods and he's not down in front of Hartley's and da, da, da.

And then like a week ago by, I'm like, oh shit, I wonder if he, I wonder if he died, you know, and I'll think that. And then three, four days later, I see him, I'm like, oh, all right. I guess he's, I guess he's not dead. I know that's terrible. I know it's fucking awful. But it's a real thing that I'm going to have some extra cash on me this month. I'll tell you, this is what, this just happened in October.

I did the hard rock in, in Fort Lauderdale. It's like, yeah. So it's a big, they have a big new venue and my whole family came and so we, and then they, they, they have a nice restaurant there and they gave us a room for like, you know, all the whole family. I will say that as much as I don't care for playing hard rock or playing Hollywood's there, their hospitality is tremendous for artists. They're great.

They are really great. And that one is all new renovate. I mean, it's, it's pretty, it's beautiful. We do the show. Like I said, big show, like a lot of razzle, dazzle, like look at how big this place is and then this nice meal. And at dinner, my mom's like, I'm going to play the casino, the slots. Do you have something for me?

And so I go, sure mom. And I give her like a wink. I'm like, here you go. I give her 500 bucks. Wow. And she goes like this. She counts and she goes. Oh no.

Don't you dare. Thanks. Oh my God. Right? And she goes like, what the fuck, man? I'm sitting. Dude, you got to say something. You got to.

No, no. It got, this is even better. So. Oh my God. Unbelievable. Dump that bitch. I'm sitting there. Dump that bitch.

Tom like a certain way. So I'm like, I talked to like the, the crew I'm with and I'm like, I got to get some cash to like, I know how this, I know this dance, you know. So I go, give me, give me a thousand dollars. So I find, I'm like, where are you? And she goes, I'm over here. I go, I'll see you in a minute. So I've already given her the 500.

And I go, I got something else for you, mom. A thousand. She goes, thank you. You're the best. And then she goes, do you have a dollar? Oh my God. And I go, what? And she goes, do you have one dollar?

And I go, you have 1500 that I just gave you. And she goes, I just, I want to buy this lighter. And it's a dollar. And I'm like, use the 1500. And she goes, just give me one. And then I don't have to spend any of that. And I go, no. And I turn to the group.

I'll go, do not give her a dollar. She has to spend part of this 1500 on the lighter. So weird. What's her thinking? She doesn't want to touch her sandwich. Christina, where were you in this? I wasn't there. I wasn't there.

And my mom's dead. So I like, I just, I don't get involved in the mom and law shenanigans. I'm like, whatever. I figure she makes up for my dead mom. My dead mom. You know what I mean? With the drama she causes. You go, there's a little bit of my mom left here.

Yeah. On earth. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it sucks. Cause my dad just died and he would always fucking put, like put that out. He was like, I hate when she asks you for stuff.

I hate them. Yes. He was the regulator. Yeah. Well now we, I've got to do it maybe. Yeah. She can hate me. I don't care.

There you go. That's. But you know what you should do it? Sometimes I do. If you do say something to her, please do it like just wearing diamonds. Bitch, you know we don't have it. Spare this. I feed my babies.

Yeah. I should. Cause yeah. Cause I hold her grandchildren hostage. She'll listen to me. You can afford this. I haven't got a Rolls Royce. I got a.

Have you seen the price of gas? It looks like the. The fuck. Fill up a Bentley. Come on. The fuck. That's one thing I could never picture you in. It'd be so funny to watch you be like, hey man, he's got a new Bentley.

Electric. I get an electric. Yeah. Electric Bentley. Okay. I got a. I got a. 2012.

Toyota Highlander. Wow. Paid off. Yeah. All right. Well, there you go. I got it from Hurricane Sandy. Cause our other car literally.

Got. Like floated away. No shit up. It down one street and up another, but it was so filled with. You know, salt water. That the guy literally he was, he was in the neighborhood. We got hit pretty hard. And he was just, and I'm, it sounds like I'm making a joke, but he was just cutting

checks. He just go over there, meet, meet. Yeah. I'm on Adams street, the corner at Adams and John and, and he came over and looked at it. I didn't spend more than five seconds. Really? And just cut a check.

Basically gave us the, the, you know, the script. Wow. That's the vehicle that we had in Florida. That was a good one. I like that one a lot. Yeah. Yeah. It's good.

It's a smooth ride. You know, we got a kid and we have a house upstate and we're always luggage ship back and forth. It's in the woods. Yeah. And, you know, I literally bring kindling down from, you know, build boxes with kindling. Really? Yeah.

That's awesome. Can I ask him? No, don't ask him that. Please. I got a, I've been bothered. I talked about this on my, my mom podcast and I just wonder where your mind is. How many podcasts do you people have? Just like, it's studio jeans.

Seven I think. Really? Yeah. Wait, that you, you actually physically. Are on? No, no, no, no, no. We produce a couple of them. Right.

So I had this debate on my show and I'm just curious because you're a hip guy, you're cool. Yeah, I was. You toured with that band. But when you said that earlier, I was like, I definitely could have never been that cool. David Cross knows what's cool. Okay. Yeah. Now here's the.

I did. You still, I know you do in your heart. I bear, I'm middle aged. I'm a 45 year old mom. I don't know what's cool anymore. Kind. But here's the deal. I was at Starbucks.

Getting my coffee. It's a kid. It was a kid. He had a cool hairdo. He looked like he for Sutherland in The Lost Voice. Yeah. Kind of a goth vibe. The guy working at Starbucks.

And I was like, that's cool. Like I, I checked him out and I was like, yep. All right, bro. And then I look on his lapel and he's, he's got like the Starfleet command pin and it angered me because I was like, fuck you for not having shame about that. You got tricked. You got totally tricked. That's, that's where the anger comes from.

Is that, do you think that's what it is? Yeah. I think cause I started liking him and then I was like, fucking nerd. And I. Cause you thought you were going to relate on like a music level. On the goth vibe. And then, and then Nadav here says to me, he goes, and I, and then I was like, you know what, back in my day, if you were to wear a fucking Starfleet pin, you get dumped in

a trash can and that, that, that. And he's like, yeah, but what's the difference between loving Bauhaus? I love Bauhaus. I, I, at one point routed my touring schedule so that I may see Bauhaus in every scene. Really? Boy, they were one of my least favorite of that. Yeah. They really are.

Yeah. Yeah. I was. Guest of the year, everybody. Go ahead and give them the award. And I, you know, I was way, way, way, way, way into music at that era too. Me too. Okay.

Well, I just. David. It was the, it was the kind of goth theatrics and that kind of stuff. Like I didn't go for it at all. That kind of. So this should be very interesting because I have a, I'm trying to say that goth culture is not as nerdy as Star Trek culture. I'm trying to say that.

I think they're on a par. Wow. I think, I think my whole world is blown. David Cross tells me that. I'm a fucking nerd. Close. I think, I think it's fair. They're both very insular.

They're both extremely insular, right? You know? Yeah. And they're both, and this is a good thing, proud of being nerds and, but I think with goth culture, you have, you have to, there's an affectation to your personality that being a fan of Star Trek doesn't necessarily have. Interesting. So did you have to put, put on an active thing of like, yeah, I'm too cool for school.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And I don't think you find that necessarily. No, me, you don't know about me, but I'm, I'm like a huge like Nazi memorabilia guy, right? Sure, sure. But I'm saying historically, I like history. Yeah.

And you're willing to take a loss on it. Yeah. It's that kind of thing. It's not even in the best way. No, man. You're just happy to have it around. There's a room back here. I'll show you if you want.

It's like, it's pretty cool. I don't lock on the door, but you know, I show like special friends. It smells kind of funny. I walk by. Yeah. Yeah. And people take shots at me and I'm like, fuck you. This is just what I'm into.

You know? Yeah. Sure, sure. Wow. Well, what's, what's cooler? His Nazi memorabilia are me listening about. You're way nerdier. Okay.

Fuck. You think the Nazi guy's cooler than me? Come on. But you're not a Nazi. That's the thing. And you, you have core what they do, but you just happen to collect. I like uniforms. There's cool stuff.

Uniforms. Pins. Cool. Yeah, man. Special awards. Yeah. And who, and don't forget, a very famous designer, Ralph Lauren, designed the Nazi uniform.

He did? It was the Hugo Boss. I know. I was making a joke. Oh. Was it Ralph Lauren is the American? He's Jewish, right? I have no idea.

Yeah. Because what's his real name? Ralph Lauren? Ralph Lorenzky. What's Ralph Lauren's real name? I did not know this. Lipschitz. Ralph Lipschitz.

Yeah. No way. Yeah. Yeah. I would, I would change my name to Lipschitz. Yeah. Lipschitz. Yeah.

I would change my name to Lipschitz, regardless of what my, even if I manufactured Lipschitz. Damn. Yeah. Damn. That'd be pretty cool if you, if you released a new line of clothes. It's like, there's a new winter collection coming out. You like the SS? They did have some sharp stuff.

They did have some sharp stuff. And no one says that in any of the documentaries. They did have some sharp stuff. Yeah. And it, and it was form fitting and it, you know, and it. Oh, this is actually from my collection. That's crazy that they have this. They have that here?

You didn't, you let someone photograph it? What is that? What's the one, the green, the bright green on the, yeah, what is that? Oh, that's like a youth thing. The Hitler youth, yeah. I don't have very good eyesight and it looks like, I thought it was like a Peter Pan. That'd be cool to tie them together. Tie them together.

Yeah. They're like, hey kids. No, they did, right? Yeah. That was the whole point. They had the, you know, Peter Pan was a Nazi, right? You guys didn't know that? I didn't know that.

Look it up, dude. Peter Pan, full on Nazi. Yep. Did not know that. Yeah. Those are pretty sharp uniforms though. Good point. Yeah, they are.

It's a good look. All right. I think we're good. Cool times. You can take them down. Should we show them some talks? Oh, you want to show them, okay, sure. You want to see my TikTok curations?

Yeah. You'll need your headphones. Yeah. Okay. If you like Bauhaus, you're really going to like this. So that was, that's, it wasn't rhetorical. No, you're going to watch my TikToks. Now, are you familiar with the app?

I mean, I've seen TikToks, but I don't have the app. Tell them what you do. So those are the basic bitch ones, as I like to say. I'm on the dark talk. I find the outliers, people that don't have a voice. I give them a voice. And just, just to be clear, and again, I'm a, I'm an old guy. So I don't know this stuff.

I mean, as my kid gets older, I'll start knowing more of this, I suppose. But what, obviously I know what Twitter is and Instagram and TikTok. I know you make videos, but what, what, is there anything distinguishing about it? Yeah. So you're supposed to, you find the song you like and then like you lip sync it because they have the licensing to songs and then you sing along and you do like a funny little dance. But they're not all, they're not all musical, right?

Right. Yeah. Because I was going to say, I've seen stuff that's not musical. Right. I've seen that stuff before. Right. Where somebody will like kind of, their faces in the camera, they come back and they're like, and they do that.

Right. This dance and stuff. Right. I've seen that. By the way, I think you would have a huge TikTok presence. Just like demonstrating just my jerk off movements. Yeah, sure. Cross-dropped another one.

Let me just be. So what, and the other ones are just, it's, you're making a video. And I guess you can edit within because I've seen that. Yeah. It's like, yeah, some people have special effects. Some people do it. So like if you put a video of you dancing, like do, I'll do that. Then someone can like splice the screen and then do it with you.

That's the normal TikTok. That is not what you will be seeing today. And it's not, it's not like vines that lasted only had a, you can make a TikTok as long as you want. Until the service takes it down for being inappropriate or hate. I mean, I mean, the link. Right. So there's not a six second limit.

I mean, sometimes they're short. Sometimes like a minute. Okay. I think I got it. So it's just a video. Yeah. It's just a video thing. Yeah.

Okay. But then Christina finds really special ones. Let's take a look. Okay. I like it already. Yeah. See. See.

So. Wait, they don't know the cameras. They don't know exactly. Yeah. That's the best part. Yeah. But they uploaded it. Yeah.

That's the great thing. Who? See. And he is absolutely perplexed. I mean, look at that expression. They uploaded it. Yeah. Okay.

This one's my favorite. This is the lane of we don't know how to use this app. And they're clearly like, they look like they're on a vacation maybe. Yeah. This is the Danube behind them. I mean, just somewhere in Eastern Europe. They just bought a yard. I don't know.

There we go. Okay. That was a great one though. That's very good. That's a good talk. Yeah, silly. Okay. Oh, I like how he fakes.

Yeah. He fakes having to, having to retch. Yeah. Yeah. That's the best part. Yeah. You never see that. That camera doesn't.

His eyes are closed because he's just picturing cock right now. Yeah, I know. Just give me one second. One second. If that camera tilted down, you'd see that bulge for sure. Yeah. Good one. That was fun, right?

I've seen that a lot on the talk. Yeah. What Doritos really look like before it's crept and baked into a Dorito? That becomes a Dorito? Yes. So there's this whole dark lane of talks now where it's people that work in the fast food industry and they're posting how things are made and that's fucking Dorito, bro. Yeah, of course it is.

What do you think it's going to be? You think they cut it down from the Dorito tree? The potato. The course. It's nuts. Have you never seen a tortilla or a masa or a masa? Don't Doritos grow from the ground? That's a Dorito.

Of course that's a Dorito. That doesn't shock me or upset me in any way. Ew, it's wiggly. How good are they though? Are you still going to eat them after seeing this? Yeah, of course. Yeah, me too. They're so good.

But that does not put me off. That's what I'm expecting. Yeah. Now if that stuff was coming out of somebody's asshole and they're like, this is how Doritos are really made. See? Yeah. We have that clip too.

Hold on a second. All right. It's going to crack on the train. Wow. That's my train. That is wild. This is why I love you. God, good for him.

Good for that guy. Good for that shit. Good for that shit. Good for that shit. Good for that shit. Good for that shit. Good for that shit. Good for that shit.

Good for that shit. I don't care. I don't care. This is a 16,000 seat local train. The next cathedral compass. I have to talk about that because I'm not even going to talk about it. Yeah. I mean a couple things.

A great ticket. I mean I like that. I have a great conversation. Which I know you like public conversation. Really good talk. I mean New York is just a special man. It is. Like you don't get to see that.

Right. That's so. So good. So complete 180 opposite of an experience I had. Yeah. Where I was on the sea train too. I was going home. And there was a woman who was clearly like fucked up.

And she didn't have a mask on. And she started to smoke a joint. And I was like. Like. This is about as. This is after like in my head for a full minute. Like I got to say something. Right.

I don't know. I should say something. It was like. Excuse me. Could you could you not. Honestly. Could you not. You know do that on the train.

You know could you wait and just get. And she's like. I can't remember what she said. And I was like. You know at least wait until the. Door is open and go out. I was like sending her out and away from the train. And then she just got up.

And she like did this whole. You know. My crap. You know getting her stuff. It's all loose and shit. And she just walked to the end of the train. And lit up there. And I was like.

I didn't say word. I was like. All right. Well. That was the exact opposite of that guy. Motherfucker. What the fuck are you doing? You got kids here.

Yeah. You know. And I was. Excuse me. Ma'am. I'm so. I'm so sorry to bother you on your day off. Could you.

Could you wait until the. Maybe the train. That's fucking unreal. That you get this. That it gets to happen though. Like. That is like. You know.

Something that I feel like you see in New York. Like. Yeah. I mean I've never seen. Somebody smoke crack. But I mean. She was lighting up. I mean it was just weed.

But. Yeah. I also don't want to. Say. Hey you can't smoke weed. But you can't smoke weed on the train. And she didn't have a mask. Yeah.

You know. And the other thing that. That was good. Was. That people kind of. I wouldn't say had my back but were agreeing. Like yeah. You know.

It just made her move all the way to the. Other end of the train. And I was. Other end of the car. And I was happy with that. Like. All right. Well.

At least I don't have to deal with it. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Do you want to see. Smells bad. Correct. Yeah. It's not good for you either.

No. That's what I hear. All right. Well. I mean. To each his own. Okay. Oh.

I heard it can. It can turn out pretty poorly. It can what. Turn out poorly. I mean. Yeah. Like you know. If you have a bunch of Doritos.

Yeah. You know. Too many. Yeah. Yeah. You have too many cracks. And then bad things happen. This is high meat.

Oh. What is this. That's liver that's been out of my fridge for about two weeks. Liver. Yeah. So you have to get it out once in a while. Oh. It gets stinky.

Oh no no no no. Oh look at his hair. You know right away. Look at his fucking hair. And this one right here is. His yurt. Fish bones and fish head. And I put it in pineapple.

No. And I'm going to let this sit in honey too. Does he drink his own yurt. And normally pineapple is supposed to digest the bones. And everything. And turn it into goo. No. That's not going to be ready.

Until four months from now. Four months. So just for you know. People to see that doesn't hurt you. I'm going to eat this. How does he know. I'm going to ask him to deliver. Oh.

Good. No no no no. Tastes funky. Tastes funky bro. Smells like poop. Very healthy for you. And the fish is not ready yet. It builds up a lot of gas because it's in there.

Juices of fruit. And licks the fork. You can try a little bit about it too. Fish goo. It's been on my fridge for a week now. I really don't like this at all. Why don't you like about it. I mean.

It's healthy. Don't you want to be healthy. I'd rather have the Dorito. Yeah. Same. This guy really fucking wears me out. He's always doing this. I mean the hair tells you.

Yeah. That weird dread. You know. Yeah. Wrap around. Yeah. No but it's like the bun. You know.

It's a specific bun. Wrap. Dread. Thing. The guy goes outside and like a. You know. His underwear and just stands in the sun with his mouth open. His eyes closed to get the vitamin D.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I did not know they had tiktoks in Germany in 1989. It has a very specific look. It is a very specific look and hitting the tires with everything he's got. What's going on here. I don't know.

I think it's like a fitness video. Yes. Fitness. Uh huh. It's a VCR party. That's the VCR underscore part. Right. So it is like these old timey.

Oh I love those. Yeah. I was way into that shit. Yeah. Yeah. This is so funny. I mean just a guy hitting tires. Did you guys ever see.

I don't know if you were part of that kind of culture. Yeah. The Todd Weeks. Who's out of Ohio I believe. Todd Weeks. Yeah. Believe it was. There was that.

What was that site. Or something. Or you could get these old tapes from that. I don't know. There's found footage. Found footage was great. But there was a guy. Self defense expert guru.

No that's not him. But go keep scrolling. You'll. Todd is right. Crotty. Crotty. Crotty. There he is.

That's Todd Weeks. But those are the newer ones. Uh huh. You got. But trust me on this guys. Go. Obviously it's not the guy who looks like the lawyer. And he's got.

Scroll down. Keep scrolling. Like the original ones. They're in his apartment. Right. Oh my God. That's Louis Town, Ohio. There it is.

It looks like he just fought his apartment in that one right there. But these are actually a little later. Okay. There's some others that are just amazing. I love this shit. There's this guy on TikTok that teaches you martial arts from his living room too. Yeah. Do you follow Mick Dojo life on Instagram?

No. He curates all these like. Say it again. Mick Dojo life. M.C. D.O.J.O. Life. Yeah.

Okay. And he basically just. I will. I will follow that. Yeah. He has. So he's always finding the essentially the. I mean I've got so much of this shit already.

He had a Mr. Show sketch about it. Oh yeah. This page. Underground tape trading underground or whatever it was. Oh right. Right. But yeah. I mean and all of every writer on Mr. Show and our friends were way into that.

Yeah. And we swapped tapes and got them. It's amazing. Yeah. This page will have you occupied for hours. It's amazing. It's like just people giving classes and seminars that have no fucking idea what I'm talking about.

Yeah. Telling you this is how you fight somebody. But when is he wearing like a safari shorts? Right. That he cut himself clearly. Look at that. He. And a long sleeved.

Yeah. Collared shirt buttoned and tucked in. It's such an odd. It is an odd. It's an odd fitness. Look. Look. I'm going to go do fitness now.

All right. But I bet you that is a solid workout hitting tires with the cane. That's got to be. Yeah. Yeah. Cardio at least. Some cardio. Yeah.

You ready to watch that? There's a few more. Can I show you a couple more? Surely. Okay. Here we go. Good morning, everybody on this January 15th Saturday. It's going up to 73 here in Dunnington, Florida, right next to Clearwater Beach.

What the fuck? So it's going to be a beautiful Saturday meeting downtown Dunnington. Y'all have a great day. Take care. Much love from Florida. What? Much love. What?

What was that? And that's for if you want to know the temperature in and around Dunnington, Florida. You subscribe to that channel. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. There are some people that just like to wish you well. How you doing?

Hope you're having a good weekend. Hope you're having a good day. Hope you get outside. Get some exercise. I think Dave is interested in so if you want to know that weather all the time, it's Sean Smith 008. Just so you know. If you want to follow him.

Okay. You guys, one of you guys write that down for me and then throw it away. Thank you very much. Now, there's a guy. I want you to look up and do you know, I want to say it's just a little bit. I want to say it's Joey from Queens and his ghost pepper thing. He eats a ghost pepper. No.

I don't know if it's Joey, but it's Queens ghost pepper. Go to Queens ghost pepper and just take away the joy from. Let me see if that is. No. No. Oh, shoot. It's maybe it's not Joey. It's like maybe it's from the Bronx.

I forgot it all wrong. Yeah. It's ghost pepper. It's he eats the ghost pepper. That's it. Chuck from the Bronx. That's it. That's it.

There he is. No, no. Don't give it away. You got to watch it from the beginning. Okay. But we're not going to watch now because it's too long. Yeah. But trust me.

Just watch it. Watch it all the way through and it is. It's amazing. It's awesome. I mean, it's yeah. It's great because he's so. Save it. Play the first play the first 20 seconds or so.

And just to get his voice and everything. It's Chuck from the Bronx again. Hey, today a viewer sent in a challenge for me. So I said I decided to do it. It's called the ghost pepper challenge. Yeah. Supposedly. Supposedly.

It's supposed to be the hottest pepper in the world. Now I'm not a big fan of hot food. Basically. I can't stand it. So this is going to be very interesting. All right. All right. You tell you what.

But right over his left shoulder is he's. Those are stairs leading up to the rest of his house and his mom. I don't want to give everything away. But he eats the ghost pepper and it does not go well for Chuck. For the duration of the video. I'm just remembering. Oh my God. It's great.

It's 10 and a half minutes and it's just. Oh my God. It's great. Oh wow. And it's, you know, it's a slow. The slow. Yeah. But specific realization.

You'll see. This is not working. You'd like to talk, bro. Do you want me to? Are you on Instagram? Are you doing this? I'm not. I'm going to send you some talks, homie.

I just. I feel like I've already got. And I'm not trying to be funny. I've already got too many distractions and stuff and I've got. You know, I've got work to do and a little kid and I feel like. The less of those things that I can go down a rabbit hole, the better for me. Probably. But you won't know the weather in Florida.

Yeah. How are you going to know where 73 today? I mean, here's what we'll do. If you guys are cool with it, I will call one of y'all. Yeah. Say, Hey man, what's the weather in Florida? You can go on if you've seen it. You tell me.

Yeah. All right. And I don't like texting, so I will call and just tell me. Okay. Fair enough. Fair enough. Two, three left. Okay.

I mean. Pretty short. All right. Here we go. Sky is crap and Jesus Christ comes again and every eye will see him when he come again. So here's our question for you this morning, brothers and sisters. The simple question is this right here. Are you ready?

Are you ready for his return? Amen. It looks like he's never thought to go for himself. This is like Boris Johnson. Are you ready for his return? Brothers and sisters, are you ready today for the return? Seen it off. It's really fun, man.

Like if you would just come to one of our services. Yeah. It's a blast. They were so fucking giddy when they came up with that idea. They spent five minutes high-fiving and like, we're going to do this. And then, yeah, they loved that idea. They were so in love with that idea. And there was one person, doesn't work there anymore, was one person was like, can I just,

if I could just bring up one thing, what if it kind of, you know, gets stuck or it's slow or like, it's going to be fine. Jesus will make sure it's okay. Oh. Yeah. And it'll kind of look like you're, I don't know, being hung or something. It's not going to look good. And your ass will be to everybody.

You want to experience something wild right here is the interpreter of the brain and hand reflexology. I want you to go ahead and squeeze the nail better like that 10 times, back and forth and squeeze the outside of the nail better like that. Hold it up to 50 seconds. Watch what you feel behind your nasal area and your brain. How it winds you down. Okay.

I know you like those educational talks. I like educational talks. Have you all done this? Oh yeah. Did it work? Oh yeah. Wow. It is working.

Yeah. I just slowed down. Me too. This is one of my favorite lanes. People who think they're friends with wild cats. Oh no. Oh my God. Jesus.

Crazy. Yeah. So crazy. Yeah. Especially when you get a growl. When you hear one of those growl. Fuck. What are you doing?

This is like, this is my cat. This is usually Eastern European but I feel like this is American. I don't know. Maybe. Yeah. Emily Yacht Yacht. Yeah. It's the same.

My tribe. All right. Well look. They was going to go to the airport. Yeah. Thank you so much for coming. I can't believe how much dark. It's amazing that we got to.

My absolute pleasure. This is a blast. It's really fun. It's really fun. And yeah. I was happy to do it. So just so you guys know once again February 12th you go to officialdavidcross.com and you can see I'm from the future.

It's absolutely hilarious. Please make sure you go and check it out officialdavidcross.com. Congratulations on another special. Yeah. Thank you. And thanks again for coming, man. Absolutely. My pleasure, man.

I hope to do it again. Outside of the Austin area. Okay. I hope to do it again. Is he down? Did you see him go down? Let's go out. A lot of blood.

Do you see him? Look at this video. Let's go out. Is he down? Is he down? Did you see him? Is he down? Did you see him go down?

Let's go out.