Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 645 - Geoff Tate - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 2, 2022

Hot sauce is the best! Tom Segura and Christina P circle back and realize that Leo is a million times cooler than we remembered, Christina recalls Tom's powerful dump, and we look into urine therapy. The mommies recount the aftermath of staying with Charo and Blanca for a week, and Tom talks about all the money he had to pay Charo after the last episode... what car should she get? Christina is still struggling to figure out her cashier's pronouns and Tom is having a lot of fun with spam texts as Ambassador Cartwright.  THEN, we welcome back one of our favorite guests, Geoff Tate! They wonder why no one cares about the Olympics anymore, and we introduce Geoff to Leo! They discuss why some airports have crazier security than others, some of the wildest comedy gigs they've done, and 711 delicacies. Then, we discuss Applebees and run our guest through Christina's latest TikTok curations!

I'm coming to your city. Well, that is if you live in Richfield, Washington, just outside of Portland, Oregon. I'm coming to the Elani Casino, Denver, Colorado. I'm coming to you and Mohegan Sun Arena. I'm coming back to you. July 9th for Richfield, July 23rd for Denver, and September 3rd for Mohegan Sun.

The presale is going on right now. Use the promo code Tommi, T-O-M-M-Y. Get tickets at tomsegur.com slash tour. Oh, no. I don't know that I can do it. Oh, man, you got to take your headphones off. That's a rookie move. Yeah.

Leave the shirt on, I would say. You think he's from Boston? Because those are some massive huge tits. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:43,380 Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ready? Jeez. And, cinco, cuatro, tres, dos. I hate his Castilian accent. Welcome. I know. It's something amazing.

Another episode of your mom's house. Watch for wasps. Ha! Ha! Here we are. Hi. Hi. I love you.

Love you too. What's your name? My name is Tom. How are you? What you do? Big Nick? Remember that song? What's your name?

Big Nick. What you do? Slang dick. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. He did. He fucked everybody on the seventh floor. That's right.

Yeah. That's right. Everybody. Holy Nick. Because she was getting mudded by the whole damn crew. Hey, hey, hey. Hot sauce is the best. You know what I mean?

Oh, damn. Putting beats together today, man. Let me tell you, too, because from where my mom's at yesterday, we shot. And he's not happy about where this is the best. What do you mean? He's getting nervous. What? There's something about, I don't know, something else.

And I was just like, yeah, something, something, something. Like, it's the best, man. Like, then I just stopped. I was like, is it the best? Should I not say that? Oh, man. Well, isolate that for you and send it over to him. He's getting nervous because he's like, Tom's going to get on.

No. And I go, well, first of all, you said it's the best. You didn't say the phrase is, hot sauce is the best, right? It's a different thing. Totally different thing. Yeah. And by the way, it is. It's great.

Hot sauces. I used hot sauce this morning. Yeah. I used that green. Cholula. Cholula. That's your whole new jam. I like that green one so much.

I didn't even know it existed until you pointed it out. And also breaking news. Yeah. I had four eggs over hard. Yes. Didn't diarrhea anymore. Not yet. You know, that's kind of what I like to see right there.

That's a good staff. That's a well-trained staff. What do you think the secret is? But you put hot sauce on it as well. I know. I think, honestly, I think I was just doing it so much. I don't mean hot sauce. I mean eggs.

Every day. Every day. Huge quantities that, I don't know, something was happening. I was having some sensitivity to it. And when I take a week off, I can have a few and it's fine. That's what I'm figuring out. Your butt had become so sensitive. Yeah.

You had to shit it all out. Yeah. That guy's so great. His dick had become so sensitive. His dick. Your dick had become so sensitive. God, I hate how he talks. I can't believe how big his dick was.

His brother. That's the time of his brother. That's what he couldn't believe. I know. I couldn't believe how big my brother's dick was. You know, some clips, they just grab you and take you for years. We've been analyzing that guy. It's fucking morning.

That one's amazing. It's fucking morning. He's out talking four strokes. You know what I've been thinking about a lot? Glendale Gary? I have been thinking about Glendale Gary. Same. I like him.

But I keep honestly thinking about. Play with your cheeks. Always. All day. Yeah. What made you reminisce about him? Actually, because we have one of my friends stopping by today. And I was like, I wonder if he's ever seen Leo before.

He will now. And I'd love to. I'd also love to, you know, surprise him. Yeah. Because it also, it also, Leo starts off. You're just like, who is this shirtless old man? What's he talking about? What's he about?

And the way it builds. I love that it builds, you know. Oh, and also he was like, he was like telling that guy. He was like, well, the way that I'm built. Is such that. It's such that my brother. What? No, I've never heard anybody say that.

Well, I think what's fascinating about Leo is how much he discloses. There are no boundaries between us, Tom. It's like what Garth wants to be. It's also this. It's, it's his sexy talk, you know, sexy time for him. And I think it's, it's a exposure to. What a real person is doing. As opposed to your imagination or porn or even a, a, a, a non porn movie where it's like.

It's all scripted and choreographed and you're like, oh that's the perfect way you're supposed to say something. Yeah. And him being just so real is like, I'm going to come quick. It just makes me laugh every time. I know, but even more reason why you want to watch the professionals, right? Well, yeah. I mean, the, the professional, that's the thing is you learn, right, is that a lot of those things are just fantasies. It's a fantasy to talk that way perfectly, to look that way perfectly.

I know. And that the reality is it's Leo. It's Leo being like, oh, that's the perfect way you're supposed to say something. Yeah. And him being just so real is like, I'm going to come quick. It's Leo being like, well, show me, show me how much you like me. Oh God. Come on, show me that you like me.

Oh, I'm going to follow it. Yeah, it's so great. I have no problem swallowing. Yeah. I have no problem swallowing. Yeah. I mean, even if I, I'd be like, I mean, step it up a little man. I'm trying to, I'm trying to come.

No, no more. No more. Please. And I like that it turns you on too. That's the other part of it that I didn't talk about, you know. Yeah. Oh, I can feel it. I want to die.

Oh, that's going to be good. I want to die. Oh, that's going to be good. That's another thing I've never said or heard somebody say. You're about to come. Yeah, it's going to be a good one. And I keep thinking too, if, if his partner had been a woman. Mark.

Mark. Yeah. Like, would a woman be as welcoming to these phrases and oh, it's going to be good. And you know what I'm saying? Women aren't as open to this. It's a great question. I think so. But also maybe in, it's not a woman's fantasy to be with that, but maybe the reality is that

the guy trying those lines on a, if she liked him, what if Mark was Marilyn and, you know. But that's what I'm saying. That Leo's explicitness works because it's Mark receiving the explicit directions. I don't know that a girl would be as turned on, but apparently Mark likes really detailed direction. Yeah. Suck it right. Come on, Mark.

Don't be stingy. Yeah. Yeah. Don't be stingy. And also. What an interesting word choice. Stingy. I guess if you're with somebody, you don't call them out, but he tells a blatant line.

Yeah. What is that? Oh, it's normal size. No, it's not. It's not. Because we saw it. Yeah. We saw it about to come and it was not normal sized.

And that thing is, doesn't get hard. It's not going to get hard until I'm ready to come. Also, that's crazy. But wait a minute. Yeah, wait a minute. That's crazy. That's crazy about that. Yeah.

That's a medical problem. It's not going to get hard until I'm ready to come. I'm ready to come. When's it going to get hard? In the last second. Yeah, so how is he having butt sexes with Mark? I don't know. He can't.

He also didn't have sex. He said he hasn't had sex in a long, long time, you know. Maybe that's why. Yeah. Do you think it's his. He wasn't using it. It's his health. Is it his obesity maybe?

He was a perfect health. What are you talking about? I mean, that sounds really odd to be limp until you come. Yeah. I mean, you see that in porno. That's your pet peeve. You've always told me. Like, I hate it when the guy is like fluffing it.

Not ready to perform. Yeah. Yeah. It's very upsetting. It's funny. Yeah. Because I think about it too when I see it in porn. I'm like, Tom doesn't like this.

Tom wouldn't want me watching this clip. Listen, if there's one thing I hate, it's soft comics. Yeah. It's hard dicks only at your mom's house. Yeah. No limp dicks. Yep. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Never soft at your mom's house, you fucking bitch. You fucking limp dick bitch. What would he be saved under? What's his folder called? Look for Ed Asner. Poor Ed Asner. Jesus Christ.

Please, Justin Peast. Yeah. What a proud legacy for him. Okay. Fucking guy. Just a fucking guy. Can I talk about you for a second? Yeah.

Speaking of enticing sexually erotic things that have been happening in the Segura household, you took such a powerful dump the other day because we had had sushi dinner with all these different types of fish. The next morning, both of us had a catastrophe. Yeah. But yours was really unique because you left chunks of kaka on the bowl. You left two distinct chocolate smears on the dry part of the bowl. It was so revolting and I was like, babe, you can clean that off.

That's why we have the toilet brush so you can brush it off. Okay. Why wouldn't you grab the toilet brush? I just figured the toilet would rinse it off. It didn't. It didn't. It was there for days. But eventually what happened?

No. And then you come in like the second day, second night, and you go, babe, babe, I tried peeing on the poo chunks. Yeah. I tried to piss them off the side of the bowl. And guess what? Didn't work. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm trying to get every chicken that watches the show wet right now. Yeah. It was really cool for you to share that with me. And like, I blow my nose in my hand. Yeah. Who's grosser now? The guy that pees on his poo chunks or the girl that blows her nose in her head occasionally?

Yeah. Poo chunks is a natural thing. No. Poo chunks is way worse. That's the natural thing that happens. Natural. Well, so is blowing your nose. Not into your hand.

It's not. It's how primitive people did it first time. We're not primitive people. Same. So you can clean your poo poo chunks. I did. Eventually, three days later, it came off. Ugh.

How'd you get it off eventually? You keep peeing on it? I kissed it off. It went. It fell off the side of the bowl. It was so gross. That's Leo. That's Leo.

Yeah. He's so passionate. He's not hard yet. He's not even hard. Fuck no. He can't get hard. He's not hard until he comes. This is what came up when I searched it.

So I don't think it's called that. Look at those two. God. Yeah. That's the thing is you think you look hot when you make out and you're doing it. Yeah. You don't look good. Only the pros look good.

Only the pros. Yeah. Only the pros. What's it called? It's all angles, folks. What's it called? It's all angles. Barton has a video of him.

Having sex with Leanne because he has a Nest camera. Okay. Let's see it. No. No. No. Oh, I thought he said that. Well, wait.

Why is there a Nest camera in their bedroom? It's not. It's in the studio, in his office area. And they fucked in there in the bear studio? Yeah. Yeah. God damn, they're horny. I didn't realize that.

No. He said it was 15 seconds. Oh. Yeah. He was like, great. He said in the picture of himself flexing afterwards. Like he was like, ah, like standing there naked. Can you imagine what he looks like doing it naked?

Yes, I can. Yeah. Gross. He looks worse than us. I don't know. I mean, it doesn't look good. I'll tell you what. No.

I mean, you and I are gross naked, obviously, both of us. Middle-aged people fucking. But then. Look like shit. They say, and Leanne looks better. I don't know, like who's better naked as a couple, Bert and Leanne, or Tom and Christine? Oh, I'll make you come.

Tom, I'm going to throw up. I don't know. You know, I like the taste of hard-boiled eggs as they're happening in my mouth. And then after, it's like you've got, like, fart in your mouth all day. It's so gross. Okay.

Jesus. Here we are going through clippity clips. Here we are. We haven't even played the opening clip. Oh, goodness. You ready? Yeah. We'll start the show officially.

Okay. Here you go. About a year and a half ago, I got some cavities that were surfacing. I got about four cavities in my back teeth. Because I didn't brush back there. I didn't brush properly. And I took a different approach.

I've been looking into urine therapy. Oh, fucking urine therapy. For about six months at this time. Nice. So, I got suggested to use the urine as mouthwash. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone muggin' to this.

It'll be a good one. Don't muggle in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitza. Christina Pajitza.

Welcome to your mom's house. Oh, god. Is that your foot? Nope. No. Oh, don't watch. You don't forget. You don't have to do that.

Woo. Time for me. So. Yeah. You know, this urine therapy is not new in your mom's house world. You know, people have been convinced that there's magic properties to urine. You can cure cancer. If you drink it.

Yeah. You can enema yourself with your urine to clean yourself out. If you have eczema, you can bathe in it. Just sit in a tub pool of it. This urine is just this magic cure-all. You know what I am, but we don't recommend doing any of that, do we? What I thought, I don't know if this occurred to you. Sure.

This kid looks so young, right? Yeah. That's like a, he's a very youthful face. I mean, the beard isn't even like a, really like an adult beard. It looks like a, you know what I mean? Like a baby beard. Mm-hmm. I kept going like, oh, his fucking parents are probably like, God damn it.

Stephen or whatever the fuck his name is. Why is he doing it? Because he's probably like, mom, dad. Dad, dad. I'm not listening to you anymore, okay? You're in therapy. You know, do you know how I cure these cavities and my dad's like, oh shit. Because I just keep thinking about our kids and like.

I know. This would be, you know, two different voices would do it. Like if it were Ellis, he'd be like, hey fuck, guess what? I'm like, what? He's like, pissing in my mouth. I'm like, cool. Fixed everything. Great.

Yeah. Ellis would be the one to do this. When Julie would be all like, I'm embarrassed to tell you. But I go pee pee in my mouth. I'm like, oh, okay. Yeah. And I, as a parent too, you'd be like, I can give you the $300. Yeah.

To do this medically correctly. You want to see a dentist? Is it a money thing? I have insurance. You want a dentist? So how did it go? Save your money old man. I'm pissing in my mouth.

So did it work? I'm dying to hear. And at first I just used the fresh, the fresh urine. I started out maybe just 10 minutes a day. Yeah, that's all you need. Like five minutes in the morning and then five minutes at night. Of course, you know, hours before or after food. And I would just swish around in my mouth.

And I noticed the pain lesson. But by the way, five minutes is a long time to swish piss in your mouth. Let's be honest. It's a long time to swish anything in your mouth. For five, even brushing, the recommended three minutes or whatever, it feels like a fucking eternity. Wait, how long are you supposed to brush your teeth for? Is it three minutes or five?

With piss or without it? I think without it. Like five minutes? Five minutes is a long time. I don't do that. Nobody fucking brushes their teeth for five minutes. Who's got that kind of time? No.

They do that on a cleaning and you're like fucking knock it off, man. Yeah, enough. No, I mean, if I'm being honest, I feel like minute is tops. Oh, I've seen you brush. This is how you brush. And it's done. Yeah. This guy is swishing piss for 10 minutes a day.

Yeah. But you know what? It works. It's working. It is working. But when it really started to kick it up was when I started using the aged urine. I just keep it in a jar like this. This is about three months aged urine.

It actually worked. And I healed the cavities in two weeks. No, you didn't. Two weeks time. And I barely brushed my teeth to be honest. I didn't need to. You really should. This went in a whole other direction.

I felt, I feel it in the back of my. It's not only fixing the cavities, it's now, it's a substitute for brushing. I don't need to. I feel like this is going to end the way we all know it's going to end, which is a video in like 10 years where he's like, oh, my teeth fell out. And I don't recommend just using piss to maintain your dental hygiene. Can you imagine what his mouth smells like? He's not brushing.

I think that's why the dentist was like, yeah, it's fixed. He was probably like, don't come back. Yeah, you're good. You fix them all by yourself. After you do this, your mouth feels so fresh. It just takes all the plaque off your teeth. It feels so good. You feel so fresh.

Like, you know, like literally after your mouthwash, like it burns a little bit, you know, you can tell it has great benefits. This is such a unique individual that they love drinking urine. They love using their pee. Yeah. It's a very specific type where they have to proselytize to you that it's so good. Yeah. You don't even know what you're missing.

You got to drink your pee. Like, wow. You can use it for your skin. Oh, your skin. It'll actually help you tan faster, believe it or not. Yeah, I got to get into this. It's great for sunburn. Yeah.

You can rub it on there if you get bug bites. It stops itching. Pee on those bug bites. I'll try that. It prevents mosquito bites, some poisonous insects, some poisonous snakes. Wow. If you put your urine on there, then it'll act as an anti-poison, anti-fungal, anti-parasitic, anti-factorial.

Really? I really feel that this has powerful medicinal healing properties. I mean, we got to get into this. I think we're missing out. I feel like he raised Russian philosophy, doesn't he? Dostoevsky? Yeah, I don't know if you should do this or not. I don't know if any of this is actually...

I can't. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I feel sick inside. You guys want to go? I don't... I... I... Oh!

Fuck your mom! Oh, God! Oh! I can taste it. Nice. I can feel it. Can you feel it? Like, you can taste it.

You know how pee smells? Can you even imagine? And, like, when pee's been sitting around in the toilet, like, the boys don't flush their toilet for a day, and it smells so briny and gross. Oh, fuck, I want to be sick. I know. I feel healed. I feel good.

It's a Sun's Hand lotion. It's a good cure for mosquito bites. So, we haven't even addressed that we had Charo and Blanca here. Stop. I'm still getting over it. And one of the most powerful guest appearances ever. They were epic. That was something.

And I got... I'm still glad that the audience got to see Charo and how she operates in her real element. Even, like, talking to the guys, they were like, I've never seen gaslighting like this before, and I was like, 40 years of it. Like, I am so exhausted. They left yesterday. I fell asleep at, like, 8.30 last night. And I woke up this morning at 7.

Just like, oh, God. It was so exhausting. Her bet, remember her bet? She was like, you bet me. And I was like, I did not bet you. Nobody bet you. That trip cost me thousands of dollars. Yeah, what did she end up getting?

I mean, I'm trying to think. By the way, I thought it was nice that I took my mom and aunt to a mall. Yeah. And gave them each, like, a few hundred bucks. Like, you know, cat, like... Like teenagers. Here's your money. Yeah, $300 each.

Not like... First of all, they each have money. They're not broke. So I was like, whatever you were going to buy, you now have $300 more each. It's exciting. They were like, what's up? What else are you... They bought...

So they spent that. I got my... I spent a grand on my mom for... On her cosmetic stuff. Oh, and don't forget I had my manicurist come to the house... To the house. ...and do a house call. But don't forget this at the...

Because this was brought up on that episode. She goes, yeah, but I saved you money. Because I didn't get that one serum. And I was like, you didn't save me money. She goes, yeah. Because that would have been another $500. And I'm like, okay. And then the next day she was like, can we go get that serum?

And I go, what if... I thought you were going to save me money. Got her air pods, right? The ear pods. Which there's no way she knows how to use. Can she figure that out? Got her new iPhone. That's the best.

Which is hilarious because she was like, I need the new watch. Like the eye watch, whatever it's called. And I'm like, okay. So I just meet her at the Apple store. And she's like, let's... I go, no. This is how I shop. So I walk up to the...

I go, where are the new watches? And they're like, here I go. Okay. She wants a new watch. And she's like, yeah, the thing is I have a four. And I need the seven. And then the lady checks. She goes, you have a six.

And she was like... Lies. Oh. She goes, I guess I don't need the seven. And I'm like, okay. So what are we doing here? She's like, my phone. I go, great.

Where are the phones? And she's like, right here. I go, okay. Give her the new phone. Thanks. And then my mom was like, gosh, do you like how he shops? I'm like, are you getting free stuff right now? Take the free stuff?

Yeah. And she was like, yeah. I'm like, okay. So... Like she's criticizing... Criticizing the way that I'm buying her something. Yeah. I want to leave.

That's a gift by the way. To criticize someone as they're buying you a brand new iPhone. Wow. Then, so I got her that. Wow. Then she was like, she goes the whole time she was like, you're going to buy me a car, right? So I'm like, sure.

Crazy town. So this is like the first time, I don't know if I mentioned this on the podcast before, but I've never lived anywhere or even visited somewhere where car dealerships are closed on Sunday. I always thought that was like the day to go car shopping. I've done it everywhere that I've lived. I even go on the road sometimes. I've gone to like look at cars on Sundays.

Car dealerships are closed here on Sunday and I didn't know that. So we had this all planned and Sunday morning I start looking up places and I'm like, oh, they're all closed. So we ended up doing, you know, spending the day differently. And then Monday she's getting ready to leave. She goes, so what happened to my car? I didn't get a car. I'm like, yeah, sorry.

And then this morning I woke up to, let's see, what do you think? And it's a link to, let's see, Cadillac, Alexis, Mercedes, Range Rover. She's like, I'm tired, but here are seven for you to look at. Okay. Okay, so unbelievable that do even mention what she stole from our house. Oh, she always steal things. She pilfer. She last time she was over, she stole a coffee maker.

She stole a coffee maker in her suitcase in her suitcase to fly home, a pillow from our bed. Yeah, this is nice and soft. So can I have it please? Yeah. Okay. Oh my God, this is what made me insane when we went shopping because this is the stuff where I go, I can't hold myself together anymore.

We're walking around on Sunday and we walk into some place and I bought something and then they have, they actually had like some creams and moisturizers and stuff like that. And she's like talking to the guy, I want this. And they're like, oh, it's 15 bucks. And she goes, do you want to buy me this? And I go, no. She goes, okay, then I'm not getting it. I go, do you want it?

If you buy it? I go, no, do you want it? She's like, if you buy it, I go, it's $15. You've had everything bought for you this week. Just pull out 20 bucks. Yeah, if you want it, get it. And buy it. And she's like, no, I'm like, okay, I'm not buying it for you.

You make it not fun to buy you something because you're asking for something that you clearly have. You know? It's so annoying. Anyway, I'm still fucking over it. Jesus. So we've been trying to recover. It's been like, they've only been gone for what, 24 hours?

Yeah. Was it yesterday? They left. It feels like fucking six weeks they were here, doesn't it? Seven days. It was horribly long. Less than seven. Oh, really?

Yeah. How long was that? They were in six days. So we finally said goodbye. And then both of us were just like, oh my God, what do we do to recover? You slept. I mean, I haven't seen you. You nap at 5 p.m.

Yeah. Which you never do. It did. It really was. We're like snoring. I know. I know. And then last night, I was so tired, you said that I was ripping.

Hard. Yeah. What do I sound like? Really ripping. Like a large man. But then the other night, you snored so badly that I had to go sleep downstairs. And I don't want this for us. Are we going to have to wear a CPAP?

Is that what's going to happen? Are there dual machines? Yeah. Man. Can you imagine? Those are hot. Is there anything less attractive than a CPAP machine? I don't know.

We can go get sleep studies. You want to do sleep studies? Sure. We can try. There you go. There we are. There we are. There we are.

Good morning, my love. I would rather die alone than wear one of these. You will. You will. I will. I don't want this. This is embarrassing. Keep you alive.

I thought this is only for like 300 pounders. Fatties need them for sure. Like if you're. Look at that. Look at that. Look at that. Look at that. Look at that.

Look at that. Look at that. I'm old. Can't breathe. I'm old and so are my tits. Yeah. Yeah. No, like Bert should have one of those.

Oh, he doesn't already? I thought he did. I don't think so. No, he snores like a fucking freight train. Dreamwear nasal mask. Yeah. He definitely needs that, by the way. He does.

We do, too. Passes out drunk most of the time. He's fucking 290. He's like, he definitely needs that. Yeah. It's true. It's true. But should they just issue one to Fatt's?

Yeah. If you're 300 pounds, should they just give you one to your doctor's office? Like when you stop and they're like, oh, you're fat. We didn't realize that. There you go, like one of those. But how do you fall asleep with the sound of the CPAP machine going? Isn't that the most, the loudest thing ever? I don't know.

I think to some people it's probably soothing. I know. It's like, it sounds, I don't like that at all. I'd rather just die and sleep from choking, asphyxiation. Yeah. Yeah, it's loud, 30 decibels, whatever that is. It's about as loud as a whisper. Oh, as loud as a whisper.

They should not keep you awake. Yeah. Yeah. Does it stop you from snoring, though? I don't think it does. I don't know. Does it just open it? It's just forcing air in.

That's all it is. Oh, it forces? Yeah, it's continuous airflow, you know. So do we stop, we're stopping breathing, is that, but we don't stop breathing. We're clearly breathing. We're just snoring super loud. Yeah. Yeah.

Well. Anyway, to cut down the noise. Get a sleep study. We should get a sleep study and they'll tell you what really is going on. That would be amazing. So scary. Like Christina, you absolutely need a sleep apnea. No.

I don't want one. Yeah. Don't you dare make me get one. I'm like, I don't want one. I'll dial along. Continuous positive airway pressure. No, I don't want a sleep apnea. I'm so embarrassed.

Because if you have real sleep apnea, it means you stop breathing. I don't stop breathing. You heard me snoring. It means I'm breathing. That's not necessarily what it means. Listen, topic change, but I need your help. Okay. Today's the day.

Right. I'm going to the store that I see the Zimzur in. Okay. Today's the day. After this, will you ask them what their pronoun is? Yeah. I'll ask. How are you going to do it?

Hey, who's, hey, Jordan, I'm just making up a name, I don't know the name. See, the thing is their name is ambiguous as well. Because it's foreign. So it can be any, it's like Chris and Pat, like, you know. Oh, right. Hey, you see, you see the Super Bowl, what's your pronouns? What if you're like, what's your favorite football team? And then they're like, oh, I don't like football because it's a goal.

You know, you could also say, hey, where's the, what's your favorite restaurant here? Your restaurant? I thought you said restaurant. What restaurant do you use? What restaurant do you use? You go, where's your restaurant? Do they have boys and men's and women's rooms there? Do they?

I'm serious though. I'm going to make you ask. Hey, do you know? Hey, what's up? What's up? How's your brand? We're going to pick up a prescription for Christina. She heard, she heard and you are yours are.

That's what I'm saying. And I've tried, I make chit chat with this person. I really enjoy them. I love their energy. The problem is they wear a mask so I can't see half their face. I can't tell if they have like a mustache. This is the best way to do it. Yeah.

I got it. Go ahead. Do you mind making a pit stop at the house? Yeah, of course. Go to the house. I have an ask me my pronouns t-shirt. Wear that. Have it be the conversation starter.

That's a really good idea. We have those pins that are like my pronouns are. Yeah. So you just bring one of those with you. It becomes a natural. And then you go, you keep looking at it and I know I was wearing that. And then he's like, oh, what are yours? And then you're like, oh.

Oh, what are yours? Yeah. And then you mention. And then they go, guess. And you're like, I think that community definitely doesn't want you to guess. That's why they're like, ask me my pronouns. Okay. Well, yeah, then just fucking tell them.

I'm so excited to have a Zimzer to ask. Yeah. This is the first time this has happened. It'd be great if they were Zimzer. They might be. If they're there today, I want them to, if they're working, that's the other thing. Also before we transition, having a lot of fun with spam texts. Oh, yeah.

I've been doing this for like about a month now. Anytime I get a spam text or a wrong number text, I just reply, this is Ambassador Cartwright. And it has been really great. A lot of no responses. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. See?

And I just say that like, I don't know who the hell that was meant for, but if you page to the right there, yeah, see Facebook, yep, this is Ambassador Cartwright, no response. See right here. Good evening, Jerry. This is Ambassador Cartwright. Oh, I think I'm sorry to bother you. Please forgive me. It just immediately they gave respect to the ambassador, you know.

Is that why you've chosen ambassador? It's like, I'm a person of authority and respect. How dare you? Right here. Diane. Too severe. I can't attend your wedding. I said, you know, I should tell you this isn't, you know, and then Diane, oh, you're

on. I entered the wrong number. Sorry. I go, I'm not. It's okay. And then they wrote, it's good to know each other in this situation. How should I address you as? It's really crazy.

So I said, Ambassador Cartwright. And she said, you are the ambassador of another country in the United States. Formerly. Yes. An incident that forced me to resign. I hope you found Diane's number. This is amazing, Tom. Yep.

And then I got one. Yep. I haven't posted this one yet, but I got, I'm getting a lot of spam texts. I know. I had this number for a while. Time to change it, bro. Yesterday. Where did I get?

Oh, it said, Guillermina, California is facing big choices. Will you share thoughts in this five minute survey? And I wrote, this is Ambassador Cartwright. And they wrote, thank you for your response. We're getting a huge volume of messages. So our team will review them and get back to you as soon as possible. And then I said, this is not typically a response that an ambassador receives. And then yesterday, Brian Simpson texted me, so great, made me laugh.

He wrote, this should really, this shit really fucking works. Long time to see, you know, my friend, he goes, who gave you my number? It says, hi, hella, it's Joanna. This is my new number. How are you? And he wrote, this is Ambassador Cartwright. Perfect. So, yeah.

This is perfect. Yeah. Wonderful. It's really blowing up now. You can really use this. And, you know, it's fun to tell people some new things to tell Garth. So, I think he's going to be hearing from Ambassador Cartwright, we'll listen. All right.

Our guest is here. Let's take a quick break and we'll be right back in two and two. Welcome back. We're here with our guest, one of the best comedians working today. It's the great Jeff Tate. I like women. I like women. Jeff?

I like women. I know you do. I wasn't saying you didn't. So, thanks for coming by. Appreciate it. Oh, it's my pleasure. Good to see you as always. We've done a bunch of tour dates over the last six months, eight months, something like

that. Yeah, lots. And we've got a bunch more coming up. Very excited. It's going to be great. You can catch Jeff with me on a number of weeks. I don't even remember, but throughout the spring, March, April, May, he's going to be on a bunch of dates.

Kris Jeanza, you're going just quick. Oh, I got so many tour dates, kristinapeonline.com. I'm going to do Tampa this weekend, March 4th and 5th. And then I roll to Charlotte, North Carolina at the Comedy Zone, April 1st and 2nd. I'm doing Austin, stateside at the Paramount as part of the Moontower Comedy Festival. One night only in Los Angeles, May 3rd at the Regent Theater. Many Apple Tits, May 6th and 7th, and then Irvine, Spermvine, May 20th and 21st. The Borgata, June 4th, Boston Massive Huge Tits, the Wilbur, June 5th, and then Cleveland

in August. Great club. I think some more stuff, I'll let you guys know as soon as I post it. Get tickets, kristinapeonline.com. Get tickets, I think. Right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now. Go get those tickets. Juvenile.

You know what I love about you, Jeff Tate, is that you always roll with the giggles, the fun. You're a yes and kind of that. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot to giggle at. A lot to giggle at. That's a huge tits. Boston Massive Huge Tits? That's not what it's called.

No, it's not. I thought the best one ever was Fart Louderdale. It really works because Dale is a name. Yeah. So it's like you're telling Dale. Fart Louderdale. And then for, it's a Jew Dork Titties. Yeah, that's a good one.

Oh, all right. That's New York City. That's right, you see. That's a fun game. This is like Whirtle. Yeah. We just try to guess what city you're actually talking about. Yeah.

Boobsman, Montana. Are you going to Boobsman, Montana? That's a good one. That's a good one. Are you going to start booking your dates backwards, coming up with a fun name first and they'll be like, find something in Boobsman. Butt Montana's right there. It's already right there.

Butt Montana. Let's see if you can guess this one. Slut Lake City. Oh, I'm coming. Is that overseas? Yeah. Okay. I'm not coming up with anything.

Yeah, I know. Slut Lake Titty? Yeah. That sounds European. Slut Lake Titty. I have a bunch of dates in the Ukraine, but that's up in the air right now. Waiting to get those finalized. I was calling it the invasion, but we have to redo all the marketing.

You might want to call your agent on that one. Yeah, you may want to cancel. Definitely. I'll just move them to late summer. I mean, I feel like everything's going to wrap itself up pretty quick. Yeah. In and out. What is it?

You really think it's going to take Russia more than a week? No. No, that's true. They did a lot of good work before in the 60s. No, they do like us. When was the last time we saw like some like a good war, you know? They didn't involve us? Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

They didn't involve us. Well, yeah, that's a really good one. The late 30s. Yeah, definitely. Those were great. Those European ones, they know how to do it, man. There's a bunch of hotheads over there though, so we'll see what happens. Everyone in America was just like, I don't read the paper.

What's happening? They just pushed it off. Well, the Olympics are going on right now, and I don't even know. Still? I found out after the Super Bowl. Yeah. I know. No one knows.

Because we were talking about this. Didn't you at one point, did you ever think that they were a big deal to catch them? The Olympics? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. The Winter Olympics even, where Winter Olympics aren't obviously massive everywhere in the U.S., but I feel like there were a number of years where Winter Olympics came on and we were all pretty invested in it.

You would watch that every night. I mean, 94 was a big deal. Yeah. Oh, Carrigan. That's why. That was a big deal, yeah. There's no good scandals or storylines anymore. I mean, that's the thing.

The 90s had proper villains. Yeah. We don't have, like ever since 9-11, it's just been terrorism. We need a fucking solid Joey Buttafucco coming out of somewhere somewhere. Yeah, you're right. It's so true. We need a better, I don't know, but also, I mean, I saw that this was Sean White's Last Olympics.

Oh my God. And people used to get really, I feel like it didn't really get that much traction. Nobody wants to see a 38-year-old snowboarder. Yeah. God, he's that old already. Wow. I mean, he might be 26. No.

He's like winter Olympic athlete. Geriatric. They're ages, really. They're a sliding scale. Yeah, he's 35, bro. Wow. But his first one, he wasn't like 16 or something. Yeah.

That's wild. Yeah. Well, maybe too, like our everyday stuff's fairly exciting. Like, you can watch an MMA fight where guys kick each other in the head and bleed to death and shit, and that's way more fun than like, oh, Luge, who gives a shit. Right, right. Yeah. Watching a skier hit a pole, and they'd be like, I guess I'm out.

Yeah. My whole life. And then I hit this pole, and I'm like, oh, we saw that. Oh, that was here. That was here. The guy skiing, did the flip, and he like broke both legs. That was great. But that wasn't in the Olympics.

Do you remember that X Games where that guy hit that big ramp and then lost his balance and fell like 70 feet to the ground and his shoes flew off? Yes. Yeah. Was that a skateboard? Yeah, skateboard. Yeah. And then he walked off, and then like, he got up and waved, and they helped him off,

and then it turned out he broke like 60 bones. How did he stand up? It's wild. Skateboarders. They're a different breed. Yeah. So good. Had some adrenaline, probably, too.

Yeah. I mean, a lot of people are looking at you. You're going to want to try to stand up. I think, yeah. Hold on. His brain was probably like, you just got shot. You got to get out of here. Holy shit, man.

Oh, good. By the way, did you ever, because you haven't been with us in a while, right? When was the last time you sat in? It was a few years ago, 17, 18 something. Okay. Have you ever seen this? Right before you come. Yeah.

I'll swallow if I want to. I have no problem swallowing. I stopped for a minute and I put a big hickey on your inner thigh there and just suck on that and make it nice and red and let you remember me after I'm gone. This is one of my friend's dads. Does he mean gone like that night or just in general? That hickey might last a little longer than this. You don't recognize him?

I would play with your cheeks, maybe even massage your little hole and make you feel just the only man in my life. You just did. Oh my God. Wait till he comes. He's actually going to come on this. Okay. All right.

Let's go. Well, it's normal size. It's not that big. Well, the one thing that I'm going to tell you is that the first time it's going to be quick with me. Because it's been a long time. Okay. You come.

You come. Let me see. Let me see how much you come. Let me see all that. How big a load I'm going to swallow. I need it right now. I need it right now. Okay.

Oh no. Oh my God. This guy. You see this? Oh my God. This guy. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Let me see this. Let me see this. Why is he still wearing his watch? Can he not take it off?

It looks like he might not be able to take it off. Okay. Give it to me now. Give it to me now. Give it to me. Come on, Mark. Don't be stingy. I'm going to put this in your mouth and you're going to have to suck it dry.

You're going to just suck it dry, Mark. You've got that beautiful mouth. Give it to me, Mark. Yeah. Oh, I can feel it. Oh, that's going to be good. Oh, that's going to be good. Oh, sick.

Damn. Damn. You bet I'm coming up in May. You better believe I'm coming up in May. Is that this May? You are terrific. Yeah. It's a recent video?

Yeah. It's more uncomfortable because the rest of his house looks very regular house. Yeah. Yeah. You could just go to this guy's house after church and they'd be like, hang on. Are you the guy? Yeah. You're the come guy.

Let me see your watch. It is you. Oh, Jesus Christ. Do you know what I noticed upon this 10th viewing is that every time it reveals more and more, we've been watching this and just pulling back layers is that when he masturbates, he's actually jerking his dick. He's pushing back the fat pad. Yeah.

It's buried in there. Yeah. And he also has to grip it like a utensil. He's not holding his dick. No. He's placing fingers in a very delicate position. But that might be why he can't get hard until he comes. I think he has other health issues that are contributing.

I hear this is also his last Olympics. Oh, Jesus. Oh my God, Nadal wrote, he has to lean to one side. That is so true. Yes, true. He leaned to jerk off. He has to lean. He's got to be like, ugh.

Jerk off. Hold on. Wait a second. Let me get to the kitchen. Yeah, because when I was like nine months pregnant, that's what this feels like. Because I watch how he's moving and that's how you move when you're nine months pregnant. But I always have to remind myself that the guy who's on the other side of this camera is not laughing like we are.

He's like, this is hot. Yeah. This is crazy. I want to see how much you come. Let me see how much you come. We got to compare it. Yeah. We got to compare it.

The other guy's like, this is great. Mark. Mark. Yeah. Mark is, yeah. I wonder what Mark's room looks like. That doesn't look like that. He's also put out, there's multiple videos of this guy.

I'm sad. Oh, oh, oh. He just got home from work. What are his? His knickknacks. He's got chachkies and shit. Uh-oh. Oh no, don't, don't, don't.

I don't know that I can. Oh man, you got to take your headphones off. That's a rookie move. Yeah. Leave the shirt on, I would say. Do you think he's from Boston? Because those are some massive huge dates. Oh, shit.

Dude. That is. That is. Oh, fuck. You know what? You know what? I'm actually like, now that I'm working at this. I'm staring at this stuff.

And it's paused. It's huge. That's how big I was. You know what's really, you know what's really shocking about this freeze frame right here? There's no zipper for like, this guy has not had heart surgery. Right. How is this guy not had heart surgery? I don't know.

There should be, there should be a right inch scar, right? Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right.

Right. There should be, there should be a right inch scar right here. I know. Yeah. Shit. Oh, shit. Babe, he's got that pregnancy ring, the pregnancy line though, hair. It looks like it.

Yeah. It's huge. It's really, it's massive. Fuck, dude. Right? Like when you get to the top of a mountain and you're on the ridge line and there's both sides of the mountain meat. God.

Yes, I am. Oh. Okay. Well, I'm half cut. Let's put it that way. I'm half cut. Well, because I got cut when I was adult. I was in the military.

Oh, no. I messed it up. I had a virus and I had what they called oriental warts. That is not what they call it. So he was supposed to circumcise me completely so that it hurts. So he was supposed to circumcise me completely so that I wouldn't have the problems and that's as far as he got. Call him back.

Yeah. Just go back to the office. Go to the VA. Yeah. Excuse me. I had oriental warts in the war. Oh, look at that. Look at that dick.

So he still has a foreskin though. See, I just pulled the skin forward the way it's normally when it's asleep. Sleep. When it gets big, well, comes right out. Oh, I think he still has an oriental wart. I still don't take anything for enhancement or testosterone or anything. I'm still able to function normally by myself. Yeah, you look great.

Yeah. I think your normal is a real sliding scale, huh? Yeah, don't fix it. You're good. You're fine. Jesus. Don't go the dog. I think it's also like, I don't know how most sex talk, dirty talk works.

Like you always see it in movies and you're like, I wonder how, and to see a regular old guy just be like, okay, you come. It's like, I want to see. I want to see it. You go, oh, it's not that dressed up. I'll massage your little hole. Oh my God. Massage.

He says, I'm going to massage. Massage your little hole. Let me see all that gum. Let me see all that gum. He's got a real grandpa voice. Hey, get over here. Let me see all that gum. To his grandson.

Mark. Hey, Mark, get over here. Let grandpa see how much you can come. I have missed him so much. I know, babe. He's dead. He's dead. That guy?

Yeah, he died. Oh, from what? He fucking too much. Oh man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He finally, he went up in May and that was it.

That's him too. Which one is him? On the bottom. Oh, and there's Mark, right? Yeah, it's Mark. Yeah, it's Mark. Mark's in much better shape. Yeah.

Mark likes what he likes. Oh, Jesus. You don't have to be just wanting. I want real bad too. Sure? Uh-oh. Oh, Jesus. Oh, no.

Here's that watch. Why is this online? We paid for it. You commissioned it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know what's funny, Jeff, about the watch is that it is so tiny in relation, like, relative

to his arm. And you think you'd buy a bigger watch. You want to see him do this and it doesn't move at all. It's tiny. You know who had that too? That it was always so annoying. It's tiny. It's Trump.

Yeah. He wears a tiny, little, tight watch. It's feminine. It's small. It's tiny. It's tiny. It's tiny. It's tiny.

It's a little, little, tight watch. It's feminine. It's small. And it's super, it's the biggest watch in the world. A lot of people say it. A lot of people say it always has to be a bigger watch. It's a tremendous watch. Look at him right there.

Oh, yeah. See how tight it is on his wrist? That's so tight. Look how tight that is. You know what that's from. That's a sign of being too healthy. Yeah. A lot of people say he's the most healthy.

God, I wish. Yeah. That's the other side of this call with this guy. He was like, show me your dick. Tight watch club, bro. Tight watch club. That's what they meant on a tight, tight watch message board. Oh, shit.

I can't see the bottom part yet. Oh, fuck. No. You don't have to walk back. There you go. Now I can see it. Now I have to move mine. Yeah.

Oh, no, don't. Uh-oh. So that you can see that. Oh, God, that. Oh, gosh. Yeah. No. I want to get you too.

I think we each have a good mouthful and we can have some good fun. That is very cool. I mean, this just bums me out that I'm single. How come I can't find somebody? Get online. What are these two on ex hamster.com? Here, let me tighten my watch and open up a browser. What if we start today by getting you a real tight watch?

We'll leave right after this. We'll get watches. This is going to go to the tightest watch club. Jeff, the tightest one. Can I ask you if a woman talks to you this way, would it arouse you? Because he's very, like he's almost childlike in the way he expresses himself. No, I don't think it would. It would be tough.

Even if it was really like a hot chick. I mean, he's very. If a really hot chick was like, Jeff, show me all that come. You'd be like, okay. Yeah. I was gonna. Glad you asked. I got it here.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, but yeah, I mean, at least at least like put something on your voice so that it's not your regular, like that's like that guy's regular at work voice. Yeah. Right. Hey, do you have the Penske file?

Let me see all that come. Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't. That's interesting. He doesn't change his demeanor. Doesn't sex it up a little bit. The voice at all.

You're right. You're like, yeah. Pass me that file. Give me a cup of coffee. I want to see all that come. You can't say it all in the same cadence. Switch it up. I mean, that is now that we've really pinpointed it.

The problem with this guy is he sounds too professional. Yeah. I mean, we need to scus it up a bit. Yeah. It's what they tell you your actual phone sex operator looks like and is doing. Yeah. You know? The phone sex operator actually changes the cadence and they go, oh, hey, and then you

find it. It looks like this guy. Yeah. He's like, he forgot to do the voice. So he's like, show me all that come. Yeah. Tell me how you're going to come into my mouth. Let me see it.

I'm going to put a hickey on your thigh. Especially for me. I thought mine was going to be easier this time. What are we looking at? No. I remember my grandmother whenever something like this happens is when I was growing up when I was growing up and I had plans and then they changed with no for no cause that I caused.

And I'd complain about it and my grandma used to tell me, well, son, she'd say, man proposes and God disposes. So don't worry about it. He knows what he's doing. While you're coming. Don't worry about it. I know. How's Mark going to come?

Yeah. You know what my grandma used to say when I was jerking off at home? There was two sets of footprints here. Grab that dick. There was two sets of footprints in the gospel in the book of Luke. Hold on. Let me grab my balls. Jesus.

I'm going to quote the Bible here for a second. Jesus. The other there, but like I say, I'm built in such a way that they hang very far back. They don't hang down. He's not built in such a way. He's super fat in such a way that the fat's pushing the balls back. He ended up like this, sweating like a black man. It doesn't matter how warm it gets.

I can be sweating like a black man and they don't go down. Okay. Hang on, guys. I didn't know this video was going to get offensive. Also, he did a half reference. It's not like black men just sweat. You've got to put them in a situation. He forgot the inner blank part.

The sweat, you know, those blacks are sweating all the time. Sweating like a whore. Full stop. Okay. Yeah. Oh, and what I've noticed again on this viewing is that his thumbnails are disgusting. Have you seen how yellow long nails are disgusting? Yes.

I have noticed how gross his thumbnails were. They're so long and unkempt and like it's his manicurist, so it's just not good. Yeah. He's got to call his manicurist. If I was manicurist and I was looking at those nails, I'd be sweating like a black man. What if she watches this episode? Now she's embarrassed.

Oh, yeah. Way to go. She's somewhere so mad at you right now. I do my best. You know how hard it is to clean that guy's fingernails? He's so gross. He won't take his watch off. It's a fucking nightmare, Christina.

It's tiny. It's so tiny. It's so tiny. It's probably like, you could wear it as a necklace. I know. He's just got fucking. It's like a squirrel watch. He's got to wear those like diabetes socks on his arms.

He seems like a nice man. Diabetes socks. I'm just glad everybody, everybody, there's somebody for everybody. His compression arm socks. Well, let me just bring the camera to me. Oh, shit. Think that it's satisfied that nice mouth of yours. Oh, God.

Well, I know yours will be tasty and good. Tasty and good. And filling. And filling. It's thinking of all the words I can use. How's that pizza? Tasty and good and filling. Reminds me of all that come from the other day.

That's a good. It's a good food show. I know yours will be tasty and good and filling. Oh, my God. And his dick is so unappealing visually on this viewing as well. I've really seen how unattractive it really is. Look at the name of this next mile. Not a possible one, an actual one.

I saw it. I saw it when he pulled back the skin last time. Is it? Is there? That's my hole. That's where it spits. I'll have to check that later, but I can't see. I've never, never noticed it and I clean myself.

Do you? Good. And tasty. No, I'll check it. This file is called possible ward on dick. Possible. It's definitely something. Yeah.

Well, and imagine you're masturbating with your partner and they're like, hold on a minute. Is that a word on your dick? And then you go, that's my hole. That's where it spits. That's where it spits. Oh, my God. My mom's going to hate this episode. Oh, did she watch it?

Hey mom. Well, I can't do the camera and yeah, I'm holding the camera. You're doing a good job. Let me see, let me see if I can set it here. So it'll look down enough. Oh, shit. Oh, we're looking down enough. I'm not going to get hard till I'm ready to come.

I'll tell you that. That's another weird one, Jeff. Listen, listen to this line. It's not going to get hard till I'm ready to come. I'll tell you that. It's not going to get hard till I'm ready to come. So it means it's just like, when are you going to get hard? It's class at this whole time.

In the last second. I'm going to get hard. That's how he knows. Uh-oh, whoa, you're coming. He must have good circulation. Like maybe he just has no blood flow down there, you know? Yeah. Yeah, he definitely has circulatory problems.

He can't take his watch off. That's why the watch is too tight. What if the watch was the whole fucking elation? It's on the hand he's using and maybe that's part of it. This hand's been asleep for years. Years. Years. He doesn't know what's touching.

My right hand's always numb. Why would I come? He takes it off in his body, like levels out. All the fat displaces perfectly. That would be so funny. That's my hole. That's my hole. My hole.

What was that regarding? Was the guy like, what is that? And he was like, that's my hole? Yeah. I think you got something right there and he's like, that's my hole. That's where it spits. I was like, not the hole. There's another thing there.

No, I know that part. I'm here for that part. I've seen you come. What's that other thing? Okay, you come. I can already feel that warm mouth. Yeah, that's been a long time. I'm trying.

I'm trying to imagine. You sucking on it. I have to actively forget that I've heard this stuff. This guy is so upsetting. These have been playing in my dreams at night. So that's why I brought it back. Stop thinking about this guy. I can't wait for my dreams tonight.

I bet they'll be fun and tasty and good. And filling the warm. Well, this will definitely be in your dream. Here's the finale. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. So long, goodness. He's gonna have a heart attack. Is this how you come talk?

Goodness gracious. This is how I sound when I walk upstairs. He needs an ambulance. He's dying. This is a normal. It's so long. It's a good one. It's been a long time.

I mean, is that like 40 years ago? Well, ever since I was in the service, I've been afraid. Oh, my God. Last time I did, they have circumcised. I'm all wet now, sweaty. That's all right. I have to go take a shower anyway. Okay, I'll do the same.

That's it, you just sign off after this? That was it. All right, see you later, Mark. That's the great thing about jerking off with guys. You can just go like, later, bro. There's no chit chat. What do you say after? You don't have to talk her down.

Hey, that was so special. I'm sweaty. All right, don't tell anybody about this. See you later. Don't tell anybody. Certainly don't put it on xamster.com. That's always the thing we ask is like, how did it get to the internet?

Who uploaded? Mark. Oh, you think it was Mark? No, no, he waited until Leo died. Oh, okay. Can I ask him, can I offer these after you're dead? Is that right? Yeah, yeah, we found it in a chat thread once.

Oh, right. Mark was like, Leo was one of my lovers. I like to record things. Was this just so that everybody could remember Leo in a very cool way? So that his children and his grandkids. They played this at his memorial. Yeah, like, still, I'm not sure I get it.

We have a video from one of his friends. Mark, would you come forward? Would you care to say a few words or just let the video speak for you? Oh, I can feel it. Oh, that's gonna be good. We play this at his fucking funeral. Everybody's crying.

Crying for different reasons. Damn. Oh, my god. I just saw how the crab ball comes. He came so much. Mommy, what's an Oriental War? Nobody knows. That's not what they're called.

Yeah. If this video came out of you, Tom, after you're passing, I'd be upset I said would ruin your your legacy. What part? Just your tits. Their tits would be pretty embarrassing.

Yeah, the tit legacy would be terrible. Also, I think people would view the video more than they viewed my other content. Of course. She's a Tom Segura, gay sex. Ex Hamster crashed last week.

It's been down for a week. God damn it. The video freezes, right? That's my hole. That's where it spits. I saw this thing too and I was like, I wish I wish that

you, Jeff Tate could be on this flight because I would love to see you on this flight with this person. Right now in the name of Jesus, he our friend. If you want to receive Jesus right now before this plane takes off on land,

for God's grace on land, say this prayer with me right now. I never get to be on the good flights. I know. Mine does have babies. Is this spirit air? I don't know. I think it is.

What you pay for, guys? It's in the plane. Right there. Have you ever had any wild should happen on a flight ever? No, no, no. I mean, no. Nothing more than,

nothing wild, just regular annoying things. Nobody ever standing up, nobody ever yelling. No, none of that. I've seen like two people get kicked off flights. Really? Yeah. Wow. Not COVID

related. Pre-COVID? Yeah, pre-COVID. Wow, you really had to fuck around and get kicked off back then. Yeah, it basically is. If you disrespect or disobey a flight attendant before takeoff, they're just like, nope.

You're not coming. And that's what it was both times. That's great. I don't even just go to your seat but you never, people get on, sometimes people get on that shit ready, like fired up, you know?

One time, this guy didn't get kicked off, but I remember boarding a flight with a big dude and he was directing people on the jet bridge. He was like, stand to the right. What are you doing?

He was huge. And everybody was like, and I was like, this dude is going to take over this flight you know? He was like, move. I like that though. I want that guy. I wish the flight attendants did more of that. Yeah, it'd be nice.

Move, come on. I like when they do that. The person that pretends to be lost when you board and they board with zone one and they're like zone five. I've seen the gate agent be like, we didn't call your zone, you go back

and you're like, that's good. That's nice. Because with their game, because sometimes they'll just be like, that's fine. And they let them on. But this guy, yeah, this guy would have been the best gate agent. And if he's that big,

the aisles are too narrow to hire properly sized you know, bouncers. So you can't, he just has to stand at the gate. He's a gate agent only. And our air marshals, they're not on every flight, they keep it random, so you never know.

But I've seen them board also because they're obvious sometimes. Yeah, because I saw a guy just wearing real, you know, like cargo pants, flannel t-shirt, and he just talks to the gate agent and then you can see the little

hip bulge. And then they're like, go ahead. You're just watching him board, you're like, oh, that's the guy. That's our air marshals. You gotta be a little more subtle than, yeah. You got any empties? Can I board before everybody? And they're like, you have a gun.

Yeah, you can board before everybody. There's um, in Cincinnati, the D, if you buy your ticket too soon to when you leave, the DEA will be at the gate and search your bag. Yeah, wait, what's going on? Because every time I've flown in and out of Cincinnati,

there's always dressed down like law enforcement at gates. They've done that to me three times and I finally asked them and they just said, if somebody buys a ticket within seven days of the flight, that like flags our system flags it.

Wow. You're like, what is that? So you like, these are flights to LA. Yeah, sometimes people take drugs. You're like, to LA from Ohio, they take drugs to LA last second.

You gotta get all these drugs to Los Angeles. Within seven days of the flight. Dude, it is, I'm not kidding you, this has happened to me multiple times, flying both disembarking, getting off the plane at Seavage in Cincinnati or boarding where you'll see people

dressed like us, like six dudes at the gate and you're like, oh, these are like U.S. Marshals coming to pick somebody up. Yeah, and they eyeball everybody coming on and off and they've seen them pick randoms. It seems like they're there to get somebody. But they do it out of that airport.

Yeah. There must be a problem with drugs there. There is. You know where that funny bone was? They call it the Cincinnati funny bone. Newport. That was a heroin place. Remember the park that they put you up at?

The hotel was across from heroin park? Where is drugs there? Last time you did it, they put you up in that real nice condo. What was that? Is that with the cool guy? Yeah, yeah. I mean, he's even cooler now.

His style switched. He's got a more laid back conversational tone now. Yeah. Uh-oh, I don't really want to know. You kind of don't. I mean, you do. This is for off air. Gotcha.

But all of that's gone now. It's all gone? Yeah, they moved the funny bone 30 miles away past the city. Further from the city. What's it called? Township? Oh, so that replaced Newport? I didn't realize that.

Newport was wild. That was a wild place. It was when they moved into that other room and then they had the door right next to the stage where the wait staff walked through and that's where their bathrooms was. It's like, can you have a more distracting thing eight feet from the stage?

A lit door? They don't give a fuck. And they built that room. It's not like, well, the stage is here. They put the stage there. They could have put it on any of the walls and they put it on the one that they shouldn't. I had a tweaker run up to me on stage

and try to grab me. It cost me. And the security, I thankfully had him. You know, it was a fucking gnarly place, dude. People threw up in the showroom and it was Cinco de Mayo. They had those fucking stupid... What are those, like, daiquiri machines?

Like, you see them spinning all those disgusting flavors? Remember that? It was like fucking Margarita Belle, dude, at the funny bone. And all these drunks would drink that shit on Cinco de Mayo and then someone vomited in my fucking showroom. Ugh, so gross.

I saw that Northern California gig I did, I don't know, a million years ago where a person had vomited on the table. They had, like, fold-out tables and then put their head down on the table.

I was like, are we gonna... And people were just like, I don't know, man. They just kept walking around. Oh, God. Santa Cruz, that was in Santa Cruz. Oh, what a while.

And they were like, we gotta turn, we gotta turn the show over because they're about to turn into a dance floor. Okay, by pleasure. People vomiting and passing out in showrooms happens a lot. At the comedy store, remember, people pass out in the heat in the summertime.

They air-conditioning never worked. Terrible there. But at least the comedy store, the show is like a while. Yeah. At the comedy clubs, these shows are 90 minutes. How can you not make it 90 minutes?

If that happens, that means they never should have let you in. You were too drunk when you got here. I know. That's the thing that most clubs won't do. One of the only clubs I remember a guy who was standing there for the late show, it was Tyler

and Winnipeg. And we were watching people come in and this guy was like... And he was like being carried. And I was like, he's coming to the show? And he was like, no. I was like, yeah. In 30 minutes?

Yeah, yeah. They never do. Yeah, they were carrying him. They were carrying him now. You're going to have to carry his ass out during the show. It was probably like 13 or 14 years ago. I was a middle and in Shreveport. Oh, yeah.

And a guy fell asleep in the front row. So I was bagging on him because he was asleep. But I shouldn't have said anything because he was yoked. And then he went... I could hear him for the last 10 minutes of my set. I was waiting. The guy at the door, as to whether or not he could just fight me.

And the guy was like, you can't just fight him. The show's going on. And I was like, there's better reasons than that, man. I'm almost done. You got to come up with something that's just a general you can't fight him, please. And they eventually kicked him out. And then the guy was like, yeah,

we knew that guy was going to be a problem. When they were buying tickets, he hit his wife in line. And then they were next. The guy in front row good? Yeah. Amazing. Have you done Captain Brian's? No.

Marko Island. So there is this... That was one of the worst things I've ever done. So this is one of those you do as your first headlining. And it was on Marko Island in Florida. And it was a seafood restaurant. The guy that owns it, captain, he literally is a seafood captain.

Really nice guy. A seafood... A fisherman? A seafood captain! Captain Brian, they decorate it. You know, it's a proper seafood restaurant. So on the stage, there's a net behind you with all the fish that are caught in it.

The crabs and all that stupid shit. Like an anchor and shit. What's the stage? And then people are like cracking lobsters and looking at everything and fish. Ha! Ha! Ha! This woman was so drunk. Her friends brought her in.

And she was wearing her pajamas. Oh my god. To the fucking show. And the same thing, they were like front row. Here you go, lady. She came in her pajamas. The intent was to fall asleep at my show. And she did.

And she did. It wasn't enough crab legs to wake her back up. Dude, there also was like... There were incidents the whole weekend I was there with audience. Yeah. Middle had somebody with them. I had an incident with somebody

and they were like... I was like, throw their ass out, dude. Throw them out. And they were like, they're buying fucking crab legs. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! It's shrimp on the Barbie. What are you nuts? You want us to put your jokes ahead of their crab legs? These are good customers.

Okay. It's a low bar. So if you pay for stuff, you could just do whatever you want. That was their philosophy. I've never worked it, but feel free to hit me up. Which camera do I look at? Feel free to hit me up, Captain.

But the good part of the gig, which is why you did it, is that it was a dope ass condo and he had two jet skis. So you and your feature act could ride the jet skis. Everybody did it because they're like, dude, there's a beach and you got jet skis. That's how stupid we were.

A real good formula for a comedy club. If you run a club or if you're a comedian, you want to work the clubs that prioritize the food over what you do on stage. The priority is swordfish

and clams and lobster. For all the young comics watching, you want to do that because you're going to want to eat, too. Yeah, you want to eat. That's the only thing you get to do there is eat. You don't get to watch the show. They were like,

we don't care what you do up there. They don't care. They didn't know. There's drawn butter at the tape. We have to. That's what's important. Can I tell you the best part about the gig was that Captain Brian was like I said,

proper seafood captain. And bless you. I'm a cry. And so he taught me some things that I always remember to this day. For instance, tuna, never eat cheap tuna fish. If you're ever at a place

and it's under a certain salmon, sorry, salmon as well, that's a shitty quality or grade of tuna or salmon. It's over farmed or whatever the fuck. Always make sure it's expensive salmon or tuna. Don't buy cheap fish.

That's I mean you think a guy that the guy that owns the seafood restaurant that's the propaganda he's spreading. If it's expensive, it's good. You were always buying discount fish until you met him.

You were like, oh, is this salmon $3? Let me get a bunch of it. You know who's got good salmon? Applebee. Yeah, 7-Eleven too. 7-Eleven. 7-Eleven sushi. Jesus. 7-Eleven sushi.

Could you imagine? Hey, speaking of 7-Eleven, you know you're hot dog in the Gatorade, you're legendary on the show. Have you ever eaten the hot dog that looks like ground beef that spins around? No. The ground beef dog?

No. Bring this up. Is that 7-Eleven? Okay. The big bite? The cheeseburger hot dog. The cheeseburger hot dog. I bet that guy's watches too tight too.

You know what? I might eat that. Because ground beef you can make into any shape. And you can just make it into a hot dog shape. And then it's good on the go food. You know what? We'll try it this week. I walked by 2-7-Eleven

before I got to the Starbucks when I left my hotel. And it was only like 2 blocks. Oh, wow. There you go. Hot dogs are good though. They're so good. You ready?

Okay. It's time to play some TikToks. Thank God. You get to react. You tell us how you feel. How do you feel? I can make it into your house. And I can do it quietly.

That wasn't so quiet. Yeah, I feel like he doesn't know the word quiet. Yeah, quiet's not good. But he did do that very efficiently and effectively. Right? Yeah, yeah. But you still like... That means that they open the door.

Right. And why... Oh, hit like... So if you break... If you do the breaking in on the knob part, then just push the door. Right. It's not gonna actually...

If you take a sledgehammer to the doorknob, you don't have to do this shit quite often. Yeah, the fucking chain is for the guy who's like, sorry, didn't know someone was home. Yeah. That's like... That's true. This one's for Tom.

He likes to learn stuff, sometimes. And I just think this was very satisfying. Very satisfying. It just feels good to watch that, I feel like. See, I don't know why he's doing that, though. He's making designs. Oh, is he? I liked when it was all smooth.

I thought it... Okay, so when it... Because it expands and contracts. In the heat and the cold. So what happens if you don't do that? It breaks. Oh, it'll crack? Because I'm smarter than you think.

Not really. No, I mean... Good answer. Is it the best? I was pavement. It's pavement the best. Okay. Get out of my car now! I don't know where I am.

Get out of my car now! God damn you to hell! Sir. Get out of my car! I am asking you... Get out of my car! It is my fucking goddamn property! Get out!

Now! I would get out. Now! Is this how you felt when Charm and Blanca were with you? Yeah, inside. You are facing it very right fucking now! Get out of my car! I'm facing a fucking moron! Get out!

Now! You're facing it... Now! You have no right to scream at me? I will fucking talk to you any goddamn way I want. Really? Yes, I fucking... And I have the right.

You have the right to scream at me? Get out of my car! I have asked you to leave my car multiple times. Get out of my car! And I am asking you in a battery- Get out of my car! ...and keep it manner. Where am I? You're at a hospital!

Where do you need to be? Get out of my car! Can you get her out of my car please? I can't put hands on her. Where is the emergency room? On the other side? Get out of my car! Jesus. That was awesome.

That was for you, babe. That was for you. God. He never really stopped looking at his phone. He was just scrolling Instagram. He didn't look at the phone, which was odd. When he turned around, the phone, he didn't look at the camera.

His eyes never drifted towards the camera, which is unusual. Usually people lock in on that. You think he's an Uber driver? I think he's a good one. I mean, he got her close. You're at the hospital. I wonder what happened right before this.

Yeah. How do you get him this upset? Do you see his sunglasses? Yeah. He was mad when she got in the car. He had the uniform on? Yeah, he's got the uniform on. He was just fuming.

How did you get into this country? What is that? That's a tumor. Is it? Yeah, that's definitely a tumor. They didn't just eat a lot of spinach. I saw one. A TikTok.

No, you were on the bus with that. The guy doing curls with the full barbell. And both biceps tear at the same time. Oh, my God. It looks like little squirrels are in there. Oh, my God.

It's pretty great. Oh, my God. That's why I don't do that. That's why you don't do that. Wait, Jeff, hold on. What is it supposed to be called? He's not a seafood captain, but what is he? A fisherman.

But he's a captain. He's got a captain's license and it was on the green room wall. It was like, what is he called? A seafood captain? Not a seafood captain. Just a regular captain. I'm not sure. I wasn't laughing because I know the answer.

I'm laughing because I know seafood captain is funny. He's a captain. But what is he? He's a fish captain? Not a fish captain. Have you ever seen Jaws? A fishing boat captain. The guy with the boat.

Nobody watches Jaws and goes, you know, Quint, the seafood captain? They take the seafood captain's boat out to catch that shark. You know, he gets the food that becomes seafood that you eat, so I just call him a seafood captain. But it made sense. But we all understood.

We did understand. He's a fisherman. He's not a seafood captain. But I like a seafood captain. That would be rad. He's like, I cut the fish. I'm the captain of seafood. It's mine.

There's a few people outrank me. Do you like seafood? I'm the captain. I'm just a seafood captain. Oh, excuse me. The rules. Imagine you were like an arm wrestling

competition and that person showed up and they're like, that's, I got it. No. What the fuck? Guests who just got fired. I did. Guests who don't care. Me.

Fuck this place. And everybody here. That's a good way to do it. I like that. I never got fired when I had a cell phone. You would have done some good ones. I've been fired before.

You ever get fired like that? At work? Guy fired me. And then I caught him a fucking asshole and he was like, you can't, you're still in uniform. So I took my uniform shirt off and I was in the front of the house and I was like,

how about now you're a fucking asshole, bro? And then I got my job back two months later. You did? Yeah, they fired that guy. That guy was an asshole. I wasn't wrong. I wasn't Applebee's, yeah. So let's talk about the Applebee's menu. I feel like it's inferior.

I'm not pleased with Applebee's. To inferior to everything or inferior to old Applebee's? To any. Because it's both. It's gotten worse. Oh, it has? Yeah. It's like everything's gross and frozen and like not good.

Oh yeah, it's all microwave nonsense now. Yeah, it's garbage. Yeah, they're the kind of the worst I can't believe that fucking song is real. What's the song? The Applebee's date night song. Do you guys know what I'm talking about? No. It's like in the commercial.

So it seemed like it was written, it's like a country music song and it seemed like it was written for Applebee's. But it was just a song that was written and Applebee's was like, hey, that's about us. Oh my god. They referenced Applebee's date night. Yeah, yeah, Applebee's date night.

That sucks. But it's unbelievable that it's real. People that like country music are fucking... They're just soft minded. Yeah, we fancy like Applebee's. Oh my god. Yeah, that one. Hey, my girl is banging.

Scroll down. She's so low maintenance. That's what you want. Yeah, yeah. She's dumb. Don't need no champagne pop at entertainment. Take her to Wendy's. Can't keep her off me. She wanna dip me like them fries in her frosty.

Yeah, we fancy like Applebee's on a date night. Got that bourbon street steak with the Oreo shake. Oh, they're like actually talking about the menu. Actually talking about the menu. And it's a real song. Like this song was a real song that someone wrote and didn't and then it became an Applebee's commercial.

That sucks. That's upsetting. Don't need no Tesla. Don't need no Tesla to impress her. My girl is happy. And the Styrofoam natural light in a Styrofoam cup is bougie.

It's bougie. Yeah. These people don't have never owned shoes. Yeah. I know. Yeah, and I'm not knocking this level of restaurant. I'm a huge fan. Scroll down. Of like chilies. I like chilies a lot.

I like Outback. But Outback's higher than Applebee's, I would say. Yes, definitely. TJ Fridays, I like some of the items there too. But Applebee's is pure dog shit. Country kisses on my lips without the skull in them. Oh, is it my birthday?

You took your dip out? This is a real song. A guy made a hit. Yeah. It's on the radio. Is this a big song? Yeah, people hear this song and go, ah, this is my jam. Yeah. But country folks, I mean, come on, man. They walk around

not getting facts because we're sheep. But I like this Applebee song. Put my shoes on and go to Applebee's. Applebee's. It's no Margaritaville though. Right? It's got a little fun shit on the wall.

I've never been to it. Is it good? Never. It was perfect. I can't take it. Look at the belly. Leopard? Look at how pretty you are. You got a big heart rate there on your belly. Right on your belly.

You do that wrong once. That's not for me. It looks like she's presenting. You're the handsomest boy ever. Yeah, or he. How dare you misgender this cheetah. I mean, I don't understand. What a beautiful animal.

It is a beautiful animal. Yeah, but I wouldn't fuck with it. So watch this. My cat literally closes the curtains on his shoebox house. Isn't that adorable? I thought you'd enjoy that. It's so cute.

The cat in that box showed more reaction to being touched than the tiger. Wow, it's true. He's like goodnight. It's time. Cleaning out some goal post holes on synthetic grass.

Yeah, you got it there. Looks like you got a big old load on him. Looks like... That looks like poop. Oh, I can feel it. I thought he was going to pull like a bird or something worse

than just dirt. Old dirt. Oh, my God. That was gnarly. This was a lot of fun, Jeff. Thanks for coming by. You're so funny, Jeff. Thanks for having me.

Yeah, my head hurts. Tomorrow we'll do our push-up contest. My muscles are big like that last one. Yeah, dog. Be sure to check out Jeff Tay. You have a whole bunch of albums. People can go stream them, right? A lot of albums.

By the time this comes out, my website will be done. jeftaycomedy.com You got great albums. Are they on Pandora? They're on Pandora and all the streamers. Great. Check them out. We'll be on tour together. You might see us if you're coming to one of

our shows. And check out Christina P. online.com for tickets to your show. You got it. Here's a closing song. It's Alpha Advice by Wave Kings. I guess he's an alpha, huh? He's definitely an alpha.

Yeah. Well, he's clearly an alpha. She's a dead. I tell her she's a four. Oh, fuck you, bitch. Dump that bitch. Dump that bitch. Yeah.

Dump that bitch. Dump that bitch. She's a dead. I tell her she's a four. Oh, fuck you, bitch. Dump that bitch. Yeah. Dump that bitch.

You guys have to understand. Woman can only be a man of either alpha or beta. You see? You guys have to understand. You see? You see? You see? A female brain lacks

intellectual capacity. And because a female lacks intellectual capacity, she, therefore, cannot fend off the fact that, hey, a man can be alpha. She's a dead. I tell her she's a four.

Oh, fuck you, bitch. Dump that bitch. Yeah. Dump that bitch. Dump that bitch. She's a dead. I tell her she's a four. Oh, fuck you, bitch. Dump that bitch.

Yeah. Dump that bitch. You guys have to understand. Dump that bitch. You can be a provider, and you can be the guy who not attacking Hiroshima's death. You guys have to understand. You see?

Yeah, women are closer to animals than they are to men. You know, if a grizzly bear is going to come after you, a grizzly bear is going to come after you because you're either a rat or you are food. Not to come after you because you're food and a threat. It doesn't work like that. You're either a friend or a food, okay?

Same thing with women. You're either beta or you are alpha. She's a dead. I tell her she's a four. Oh, fuck you, bitch. Dump that bitch. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Dump that. Yeah. Dump that. Dump that. Dump that. Dump that. She's a dead.

I tell her she's a four. Oh, fuck you, bitch. Dump that bitch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.