Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 652 - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 20, 2022

JEANS UP!! On this week’s episode of YMH, Tom Segura and Christina P discuss the stupidest holiday: 4/20, as well as amusement park fatalities, Gwyneth Paltrow’s and other celebrity diets, and Biden’s newly appointed government official who is also a pup play enthusiast. Also, there’s a new jukebox in Studio Jeans and Tom’s not happy about how it’s being used. They watch videos of a Cool Guy who is “not Jewish,” and update from Unk Shine, a dude defending the R word, and some “Horrible or Hilarious” clips. 

Will you love me if I lose all my hair? I'm bald. I'll wear wigs. I would never just go bald. I think that's very, very big of you to ask that question because the answer is no. Well, I think part of you knew that. I need to be fucked a lot, man. There you go. There you go. That's our guy.

Can you move in? You can move in. You want to move in? I mean, you're building. I'm a hot, I guess. I'm a hot, white, trash, calm dump. Let's fuck. Yeah. Like, gosh, how many things can you squeeze into one sentence? It's a lot. I mean, think about it. I am a hot, white, trash, calm dump.

Let's fuck. I mean, it's a it's a quite good thing he's going. It's a lot. Yeah. It's a he likes to he likes what he likes. He likes what he likes. That's what they say. Yeah, I'm so taken with him. I think about him a lot. Yeah. That was on YouTube. That's when he had a he decided to post on YouTube for a minute.

I think they were like hour long videos with like code titles like two one six five H H one four seven and you're like, OK. He's just laying on his couch. It's like a 27 year old camera. You're like, is this can I see this? Yeah. Yeah. I'm kind of calm. He's just he's so he's so frenzied.

He's so frenzied with his horniness, which I think is so unique in the Cool Guys Club, because you don't get that level of frantic, horny energy. Yeah. You get subdued, horny, Julia, got all the all the crown like he's courting her. Frenzied horniness is out of control. Even on shine, it's still a little content. Like, I'm going to lick your booty. I'm going to lick your ass.

I have some updates for you. Go ahead. Should probably be just so you know, by the way, I guess there's some new people who are watching, who don't know about the channel members page. That is there because you get an early release ad free. Oh, get off. No ads. It comes out earlier than the normal release.

And we can show some of the stuff on there that we can't show on the regular YouTube feed. So, like, you know, we don't like deliberately try to find things to put on there, but some things we cannot show on YouTube, like RPC, doing what he does on YouTube. It's such bullshit. Because YouTube will take it down. So that's why that just so you know what the channel membership is.

They're trying to censor us, Tom. We're not going to take it. We're not going to take it. Sick of it. That's why we started doing these live shows, because we like stuff. That is another level, though. That's not that's not stuff you can show on channel members either. No, not at all.

But it's like, it's just like they're just trying to silence us. They're trying to silence the mainstream media is trying to. And don't forget to do that on of all dates on 420. 420, dude. Bro, I'm so faded. I love this day. Every year, the coolest people on the planet go 420, bro. Bro, you can get fucking wasted today and we'll get higher than we do other days.

Because it's April 20th, and that's my favorite date. I'm not a loser. The only time it's acceptable to really be into 420 is if you're in college. Yeah, high school, college. Yeah, like you take the day off. You stay in your dorm room and you get fucking lit, bro. Yeah, it's cool. You sit on your beanbag, you look at your black light.

Did you guys do that? Did you have friends that were so committed? You know, here's the truth. We got high every day. Oh, everyone doesn't get high. And yeah, I know. So like, yeah, like I don't remember caring more that it was 420. Yeah, because if you're into that lifestyle, I don't think.

And then you're over 25. Yeah, it shouldn't matter. It's like St. Patrick's Day. Like, what are you doing? And here's the thing. There's people have told me because I've I railed against 420 last year pretty aggressively on all the pathetic losers that are celebrating it.

And they got on me for like, you know, being a stick in the mud or whatever. And it's just like, look, I'm get high and enjoy it. But you have to accept that you're a fucking zilch. You're nobody. If you're if you are, like if you've graduated, I'm assuming you didn't go to school. But like if you did and you're like, today's a special day, you just you're never going to accomplish anything. Just know that.

So it's coming from somebody who's pretty big winner telling you what a fucking loser you are. So you go and enjoy 420. You know, that's true because looking back in college, all the the the people that did celebrate 420, they kind of turned out to be losers. Yeah. Yeah. The people that even when it is acceptable, you're still a loser. Yeah, like we still made you know what the worst was when it was like, you're about to smoke a

bowl in college and it's like 418. And someone's like, wait two more minutes. This you know what, I'll get high now. You wait two minutes. Remember that. Wait, wait, hold on. Now. Oh, yeah.

Now it's time. Jesus Christ. Jump off the building. This might be a stupid question, but 420. That's because that's the police code or something. No, no. It's Hitler's birthday. We all celebrate.

Well, that's that's what that's what today's really about. But the the story of it, there's an origin story. It was a group of friends and they came up with the the time. It just it came from nothing. It was just like a group of friends. I think they were high school kids. Yeah. Yeah.

And they were hanging out and I forget the do you remember the details of it? It was it was like, I think they called themselves the Waldo's or something. And like, they just met up after their last class, which ended at like 415. So you meet up 420 back in the building. Okay. So yeah, it just came from, you know, and it was like, let's go smoke. It's 420. I thought it was the police code.

It's a 420 violation. There's just like, oh, there's 420 chemicals in marijuana. It's probably there. Yeah. No. Gosh, there's so many smart theories about smart things. Yeah. Now, do you remember when they said, okay, so, so when you get high and you watch is

it was the Wizard of Oz to the Pink Floyd and it's supposed to match perfectly? Well, there is like a fun thing with that. The fun is that I think it's the third roar, right? Of the MGM lion. You're supposed to hit play on dark side of the moon. Yeah. There's like at least six or seven. It's not that I don't think it's actually designed this way, but there's like six

or seven incredible coincidences of the music seeming like it matches the movie. So like for instance, when she is like tumbling like the tornado had come and she's like, there's like this panic music that goes to it, right? Or like when she lands and she's in color. That's when like money starts playing like the chain. So like there's like and there's like six or seven beats like that. So if you're high, you're like, no, they did do that.

Yeah. That's what happens. Today would be a great day to check it out. Check it out. But isn't it amazing to think about this? So you were doing this in the 90s, right? Yeah. This is really pre-internet and isn't it wild that like stoners through the stoner

telephone game? We all know that. Yes. How the fuck is it? And I went to college in San Francisco. You're all the way out in North Carolina. Yeah. And we all know the same lore, the stoner lore.

It's just did you ever hear about the guy that did too much LSD and he thinks he's an orange and now he says, don't peel me. Don't peel me. See, like how do we all know these drugs? Oh, you're also younger. You know that I went to high school with a guy. This is completely true. A like a kid who did really well in school, meaning like, you know, at like an A, A

student, right? And he ended up going to like a northeastern, I don't want to say Ivy League school, but like a high level school. Yeah. Um, like I said, great student, good student athlete. He took some like mega dose of I think a psychedelic and on a flight went up to the cockpit, tried to tell the pilots to reroute the plane and they're like, the fuck. And I knew him in high school.

I heard about the story. I thought it was like just, you know, one of those things people exaggerating. And then I saw him like a couple of years later and dude had a totally different personality and like he ended up, uh, instead of like, you know, like I said, he was a really good student. Ended up getting like some kind of menial local job doing like some labor. Uh, and he was a smarty and then they celebrated for 22 hard. Think about that today.

When you're doing your job, say nope to dope and no to drugs. Just saying. No, um, yeah. LSD will do that. Do you know the LSD? Oh, I lost you. LSD. LSD mimics schizophrenia in the brain, they say.

So for some people that are prone to schizophrenia, that I've read that it can actually ignite that gene. Really? So I've done a lot of LSD and I don't have schizophrenia, thankfully, but my mom did your mom did. So I could have been bad, but my shrink was like, yeah, once you know, if you're 28 and you don't have it, you're not going to get it. I was like, okay, good.

That could have been me. I don't know. That's true. Have you tried watching yellow submarine on acid? No, it's overwhelming. Don't do it. I did it. You just encouraged about a million people.

Oh, have you guys heard about that? You watch yellow submarine on acid. It's overwhelming sober. I know. I tried watching it like a couple of years ago. I'm like, I watched this as a six year old. This is insane. No, I'm not really excited by psychedelics as much as I am like the

more hardcore stuff like Caroline. Yeah. I want to do the stimulants, you know, so cocaine. Yes. Oh, that's fun. But that's interesting because I like the downers. I don't like being pumped. I'm pretty chill as it is.

I want to do something that makes me rip a fucking door off its frame. You know? Yeah. What are you thinking? I don't know. Get wet. What's that one? PCP.

Oh, we've talked about this that you really wanted to try it. Mm hmm. Can you even find a PCP anymore? Yes. That's the problem. Is it straight? Oh, and he's like, trust me. Yeah.

All right. Let's open the show. 420. 420, guys. Okay. This here says I worked for the CIA at one point I did. Yeah. And it says my mother was Jewish.

See this nose? You see the nose? The nose how it goes smoothly down my face. If I was Jewish, I would have a hooked Jewish nose. That was rad. I'm gonna bring you one muffin for this. Your mom in the fucking stand. You're welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house. Hmm. You got a perfect Jewish nose. I do. You do. You're so like my dog. Yeah. So this guy seems pretty cool.

How did we find this guy? I mean, first of all, he's former CIA. He's on the talk. I'll be that part is true. That's a good way to dispel the accusation that you are Jewish to be like, do you see this thing? Yeah. Look at the schnauz.

What do you see? What do you know that? That's what I get asked the most by like strangers or somebody about ethnicity. If you're Jewish, ask me if I'm Jewish. Yeah. Cause of your nose. I just my overall appearance.

I don't know. Really? Sure. You get asked all the time. All the time. Really? I don't see that in you. And I never go.

Do you see this nose? I go look at it right here. Look at this nose. Also, my nose at the bottom. It does tip down, you know, it's gotten hooks a little bit. Yeah, it does. You've got a very Jewish nose and and over the years, it's it's sunken.

Thank you. Mine has as well. Like the point of it has gone down more. I've noticed, but my nose has gotten bigger and uglier too. It's just aging. I think. Yeah, it is aging. It is about aging.

And our whole faces will melt eventually. Oh my God. In 10, 15 years, you're going to be like, hello, Rabbi. When you see me. Rabbi Cigura. Yes. You and I don't have similar noses. It's true.

What are my doctors asked me about? He goes, oh, you have a Jewish last name. And I was like, I do. And he was like, yes. And I was like, I don't think it is. And I was like, what's going on? And he was like, sure it is. He goes, the only people I know with your last name are Jewish.

And I was like, I've never met one. No, that's not true. Neither have I. And then he was like, yeah, it's like a Syrian Jewish last name. And I was like, what? He's retired. And then I was like, well, I want to get into this with you because you're going to operate on me.

And then. Yeah. But this guy seems like a really rational guy. It's funny that he was CIA, but they didn't do any dental work. That's part of his disguise. Oh, he's in the field. Yeah, it does. Yeah.

You understand? I would have a Hebrew nose if I was Jewish. Oh, he's still on this. Hebrew. This is a Native American nose related to Jim Varney. Not Jewish. Gotcha. Thank you very much.

I am Native American. He's not Native American. Not Jewish. I hate when people claim that. Like you're not. You're probably not Native American. Not Jewish. Oh, Jim Varney is Vern.

That's pretty cool. Is he a Jew? I don't know. I don't think so. So thank you very much, but I did work for the CIA. Now, don't think that that means Central Intelligence Agency. Oh, I'm from the procrastination. Our CIA is called the Cervical Insemination Agency.

That's why they didn't do dental care. Okay. I hate those jokes. I really think he should. I think he should go to the dentist. I think so too. Leave the nose alone, but go to the dentist. Yeah.

Can I ask you a stupid question? Sure. I'm not Jewish. No, you're not. But remember when you just said that you're that guy went to a Northeastern school. This is a really stupid question and I'm embarrassed to ask it, but I don't care.

Okay. Why are so many smart people colleges in the Northeast? I don't know that that's a stupid question. But what is it about them that makes them so fucking smart? You know what I'm saying? Like, how come they're not in the Midwest or in California or Stanford, but that's it? Yeah.

I mean, it's a legit question. I mean, part of it feels like it became industry. Like, in other words, the industry of that academia. Like Ivy League. Yeah, Cambridge is in that area. So a good school pops up there. Another one is in the same area. They're closer to two mass populations also.

Like, you know what I mean? Oh, like New York, Tiddies. That New England area, New York, Philadelphia. Like they're all regionally huge populations. I mean, I don't know. So Harvard popped up and Cambridge. Cambridge is like, you think you're fucking smart? Hey, we're fucking smart too.

Come over here. Yeah. Wait, there's a Cambridge in America. Cambridge is where Harvard is. Um, it's just outside of Boston. I don't even know. Do you realize that when, um, when I was looking at schools from high school, like this wasn't even like, I don't even know where Harvard

is. I don't even know. Like it was so far out of the realm of possibility. Do you know where Yale is? Nope. Not a clue. Uh, Massachusetts, somewhere. No, but.

Connecticut. That is where it is. Oh, okay. Like those snooty, snooty East coast money. But here's the thing, a New Haven or right in that area. And, um, man, that city is rough as fuck. New Haven. Yeah.

It's like Yale is like this, you know, prestigious school. And then you walk through like downtown New Haven. You're like, the fuck's going on here? Have you seen USC? Yeah, that's true. Yeah. This is South Central. Yo, and it's been there for a minute.

And it's also people don't know how nice of a campus and a school that is too. It's gorgeous. And it's in the worst part of Los Angeles, the juxtaposition of the two, you know, could you imagine you get into SC or Princeton, Princeton, New Jersey is like that too. Princeton. Yeah.

And they're just in the worst neighborhoods. I don't know if it's in the worst neighborhood, but I mean, it's like, you know, you think of these camp, like the campus and the school, you know, and they have these multi, multi-billion dollar endowments. Oh my gosh. Like they have the look up Harvard's endowment. This is like what they have on hand.

The this university does. Okay. Jesus, 53 billion dollars. What? And they're like, Hey man, our tuition is fucking 75 grand a year. And by the way, we're doing some fundraising this year too. Okay. You want the school to stay nice?

Do you like your life? Yeah. Wow. I don't understand. So this is money donated to the school. It's just like, yeah, money that has been collected like over the years from any, I guess any like Avenue where, you know, when you pay tuition, obviously the tuition goes and pays for

the needs of like, you know, pays teachers pays to keep the school running, but they also raise funds and that's what they have in their pocket. Like do they do? I'm sure they do research. Yeah. Of course. The benefit society, humanity, but that's, that's a lot of money.

Wow. Okay. What is this native? What are you telling me on your board? Seven out of the eight Ivy League schools are colonial colleges, institutions of higher education founded prior to the American Revolution. They're old timing.

Cornel, the exception to this commonality was founded immediately after the American Civil War. The seven colleges served as the primary institutions of higher learning in British America's northern and middle colonies. During the colonial area, the school faculties are and funding Founding. Oh, sorry. Founding boards were largely drawn from other Ivy League

institutions, also represented where British graduates from University of Cambridge, University of Oxford, St. Andrews, Edinburgh. Okay. Got you. So, so that makes sense. So the English, we come from England. We settle in these colonies.

They settle there. And that's where all the smarties come from. Oxford, Cambridge, St. Andrews College. Yeah. That makes sense now. That's where all the smarty pants are. Those were all the smarts come from. Do you want to go rowing later?

That's right. Now, St. Andrews is where Katie, Kate Middleton and Prince William went and they were roommates and they met that St. Andrews. I know this because I just watched a documentary on them. You know what? I bet none of those fucking colonial founders knew how to do. What?

Fuck hard. They sure didn't fuck hard. I bet they didn't. I think you're right. Why do we feel like they don't know how to fuck hard? Because they're just occupied with too much fucking nonsense. Yeah. They're just too, they're too enlightened.

They're like, well, you know, the music, you're right. Art and let's go for a stroll and count birds or whatever. And I'm like, you know, the guys that are like dragging the dead body out of the street that has to play, that guy's like fucking gorilla pounding you. That's so true, Tom. Yeah. And also, I think regional fucking abilities like the Midwest is

so cold. I don't, they fuck but not as hard as California. Yeah. Like out in the, in the, in the West. We're like, we celebrate 420. Yeah, we're animals. We roll our skate. It's 420, bro.

What's fuck? Yeah. Like we have fun. Oh, let me ask you something. How you liking my jukebox? It's really great. Thank you for having it delivered here so we could have fun with it for a little bit before you take it.

Thank you. Thank you, Tom. Thank you, Christina. What? I mean, I just, I don't know. We have a jukebox here. Yeah, it's good. It's amazing.

It's so fun. It's cool. It's old school. I don't like watching everybody enjoy it. You don't? Why is that? Because it's mine. It is yours.

You paid for it. You've earned it. I know. So, but you're saying that you don't, then do you want to just take it home? Sort of, or I just want it played when I'm here only. Yeah, I understand. You know?

That makes sense. I don't like everybody else being like, oh, we're dancing to your thing right now. Yeah. Well, you've earned the money. You've worked very hard and it's your jukebox. So, you want them to only be able to play it when you're here to supervise the fun.

I get it. Yeah. Can you guys put a lock on it? I'll look into putting a fingerprint mechanism on it and just get a case and put a case over it. Tom's jukebox. Yeah. Sure.

And I don't want anybody to have Bluetooth access to it because it has a Bluetooth function. Certainly not. No way. It should only be Bluetooth with my phone. Definitely. With just your phone? Can I add some songs to you?

I like, I like listening to myself. Fine. Anyway, it made me mad. So there's what happened when I got here right away. I was like, I hate this. I hate everybody's smiling. Yeah. Well, you should.

Why should they get to have joy when you're not here? It's fucking mine. Yep. I agree. If I'm going to, I'm going to get a camera set up in the lobby on that thing. And if I see somebody on it, I'm just going to be like, you're fired. It's going to text them. I like this.

We should have the. That makes me happy. Yeah. You know, you get notified on your Nest app when movement is occurring. I am doing that, by the way. I am putting a camera on that thing. You should. I want to see who's doing what they're playing.

How long they fuck off at work and dance. Okay. I support this decision, Tommy. Thank you. Also snacking. I've noticed there's an awful lot of snacks and I hope they're not wasting time snacking. Yeah, I know.

There should be a vegetable platter out here too. Oh, that's it. That's all they should. We should be regulating what kind of snacks they can have. Absolutely. So just veggies from here on out? Yep. Okay.

I'll throw out everything in the pantry and I'll switch it out with healthy stuff. You guys need to be healthier. I agree. You were fucking up as a studio. I'm sorry. You're welcome. Can I tell you my Pigeons can't fuck they had.

Sure. Speaking of snacks. So fucking retarded. So I was, I was getting ready to come here today. Yeah. And I was like, I'm hungry, but I'm not hungry enough to eat breakfast. I don't want to. I was a productive throat clearing.

Yeah, I was. So anyway, I was like, God, I should bring my own snack to work because I don't like the snacks that are there. They're not healthy enough for what I want to eat for breakfast. And then I thought, I can have my own snacks ordered and have them here at all times. Do you understand? Like I don't have to bring it from home.

Like I can have peanut butter here, the kind I like. I can have an apple sent here to this studio and then I can consume it while I'm here. That's a really good one. You realize you can do that. Such fucking you can keep things here. I can keep stuff here because this is my studio. Yeah.

Right. Like it's, it's us. It's ours. We own it. Totally. And it's your jukebox as well. And if I were you, I would, I would oversee which songs get put in there because I'm seeing a lot of bullshit getting put in there and I don't fucking

like. First of all, there's a Bruce Springsteen 45 in there. Yeah. Break it. Yeah. They know better than that. They know better. And that actually got me to thinking too that I don't want to take it home.

I want to leave it here and just monitor it. Oh, that's a good idea. It's more fun that way. You know, we should do is have personal codes that each, each person has to put in before they select which song they like. Yeah. So you know who played what who played what and then I will judge you based on what music you selected.

Totally. If anyone plays Bruce Springsteen fired. And I also think you should play the music and walk away. I don't want to see you enjoying the fucking song. That's so good. You understand? Yeah. I think I get it.

This is work. You could, you could. So now we could play songs, but you can't enjoy the songs. That's what I prefer. Yeah. I got you. Dance on your own time. Exactly.

All right. Yeah. I'll enforce that moving forward. Thank you. You can play the best. Have you? Hey, Tom. Hey, have you?

Have you seen hot sauce is the best in story like in people on their lives? Have you seen that? Like people are telling people they're writing it in comments when random people are doing lives here. I have some for you. Hot sauce is the best. Yeah, you're right on that.

Hot sauce is the best. Yeah. That's what you mean. Hot sauce is best. What kind of hot sauce? Someone, they're all talking to us about hot sauce. Someone says Frank's red hot sauce. Another one says and he's hot sauce.

Hot sauce is the best. Hot sauce is the best. I don't what that mean. Hot sauce is the best. Somebody help me out. Hot sauce is the best. That's somebody to random just wrote that. You want you like hot sauce?

I'm not really only on noodles. And you need to be charged with your crimes of humanity. Crimes of humanity. Hot sauce is the best. Hot sauce is best. You need to turn yourself in. So that's really good. I love hot sauce.

You're good. You're in good company there. That's pretty good. That's guy. Did you know that I had a show this weekend where somebody yelled it out and I was like, okay, and then somebody else and then somebody else and then I was like, all right, let's just ask you guys is hot sauce the best and the whole

crowd. The entire audience. I'm glad everybody at least agrees with me. Yeah, there you are. There's started a movement. You've taken the world by storm. There's a hot sauce is the best. Some fan art.

I get a I get a DM about, I don't know. I'm gonna say like 37 times a day at least. Just hey man, just big fan. I want to let you know. Hot sauce. I agree. Hot sauce is the best. Yeah.

Thanks, dude. I appreciate that. I wouldn't have known otherwise. Do you know what else is the best? Nah, man. You don't gotta do this, man. Hey, I won't play your G-Blocks, man. Yo, I programmed it.

I set it up. I can make it so it takes like 37 quarters just to play a song. I'll do that for you. You don't gotta do this, Tom. You know what else is the best? What's the best, Tom? You know, Lenny does say that a lot. It's the best.

Oh, yeah, it's the best. I mean, if somebody were to put together a compilation. Oh. Anything. Oh, saying something's the best. Something's the best. Not to say that just might be a fun thing to do. Yeah.

If anybody out there. I mean, they would have to go through a number of episodes. He's the best. I have the best life, so I'm the best. So, I mean, the best. It wasn't the best. No, he's the best. He's the best.

I feel like that's the best idea. It's the best. It's the best. It's the best. Sex is the best. Do it again. It's the best. Tom got to me, bro.

That sounds like the best. I love you. You were the best. Look what you created. That was great. That was great. That was amazing. That was Colin Adams put that together.

Thank you, Colin. He took your direction. He did. So, what do you think, Eddie? I mean, I knew this day would come. It is the worst. It is the worst. This sucks.

Sex is the best. Oh, now you've got the sound more and more. It's great. Very exciting stuff. All right. Well, that's it. That's enough. Couple other things coming in the works, but don't worry.

Oh, that's so silly. I keep forgetting to bring in the other FGTRT license plates that I've gathered over the years. They're sitting in our house, in our kitchen. Do you know how crazy it is when people say this to me now? They're just always referring to it. They're just like, yeah, is the FGTRTD? I know.

People yell. They're like, FGTRTD. I'm like, yes. Because this is fun. It is 420. FGTRTD. Who am I? Oh, I also want to...

What's that? Who am I? I don't know. Ed Asner. Oh. You didn't recognize that, did you? No. That wasn't totally accurate.

Sorry, I got to work on it. Oh. By the way, can I make one point out here? Sure. Sure. Sometimes I get messages from people or they'll say, oh, you're disconnected from the fan base and all this stuff. They're like, they see Bert and I exchanging crazy gifts

to each other on our birthdays, which just like, and they go like, you're out of touch. You're just touring comedian now and you have podcasts and you're out of touch. I want you guys to know, I flew commercially home yesterday. I got on a commercial flight with people like you. I went to a regular airport. Oh my God.

I did TSA. Not economy, I hope. I mean, come on. No, of course not. Not even premium economy, you know. No. Oh my God, sweetie. No, I had an airline official walk me onto the plane,

but I just want you to know that it was, you're right. It's disgusting and I hated it, but I did it so that I could feel like a regular person for an hour. I'm so proud of you, babe. So I just want you to know that if you're like, you're out of touch, am I? I went through that whole horrible process by myself and it wasn't easy.

Did you feel poor? Of course. Yeah. And dirty. You need to breathe in the same air as all those disgusting people. And then the fucking flight attendant was like, would you like something to eat? And I was like, not from the plane.

Ugh. I don't even have proper catering. No. I was like, this is so gross. Anyway, I felt like one of you. I'm so proud of you, babe. Yeah. And how long was the flight?

It was actually two hours. It's a long time. Two hours sitting there breathing in that fucking peasant air. It was fucking. It's the grossest. It was gnarly. Yeah. I feel bad for you.

I know. I kind of was like, never again. Never again. I think I'm actually doing it on another week. No, why? Yeah. I don't want to talk about it. Yeah.

It is so gross though. Yeah, I know. Economy is... Ugh. It's revolting. God. It does smell different out in there. Ugh.

I'm proud of you though. Thank you. I feel like I... Next you'll be taking Uber as like a regular person. I feel like it was a part of, what's it called? I don't know. We're supposed to be Catholic. Lent?

Lent. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? I gave up. I haven't had alcohol in a week. Is that part of your lent? That fucking sucks.

I have to tell you that I hate it. I want to lose weight. So the problem is I can't drink alcohol and lose weight. Yeah. Like, how do people do this? I know. You got to find... Because that's the thing that you got to find.

Like, well, what's my... When you're trying to lose weight, what's the thing that's holding me back? It's got to be some indulgence, right? Yeah. Yeah. And like, I went to like a kinder mom's play date at the brewery. Brewery. And I didn't drink.

And I was like... Like, it's just... How do people fall asleep unassisted? Like, what do you do? Yeah. I don't understand. I like drugs. Yeah.

How do you live your life? Sober. It's so awful. And I went to kids. I'm always stressed out. I need something. I can't... I need something.

So, Nadab, you're saying I should get on the pot again. And I'm so afraid. Because I OD every time I take it, I take too much. Right. Because I think you always do edible form. Which kind of is a limitless possibilities of how high you could get. But I think what I'm going to start doing, every time I see... I'm just going to roll you a pack of joints that you could just...

You could just take a couple puffs, throw the rest out if it's too much, whatever you want. But... You're honestly... You're probably a one puffer. Oh, one puffer. And here's the deal, man. I need like an indica. Give me sativa because then I start cleaning the house and thinking thoughts.

Yeah, I don't fuck with sativa. That shit's evil, dude. I hate it. I just go into straight panic mode. Yeah, me too. Like, life and me. I know me too. It's horrible.

I'm just like, I don't know what I've done. It's awful. I think I should call my sisters. Yeah. It's terrible. I hate sativa. Hate it. Yeah, I don't understand who digs that.

But anyway, so like... Yeah, I can't be totally sober. It's so boring. Yeah. And yeah, I just have to not like fucking OD on it, I guess is the point, you know? Don't OD. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a whole week now. But I've lost weight. Did you really? Yeah. Thank you. You saw it on the scale. Yeah. I feel like I'm leading a joyless existence.

But here's the thing. But give yourself a... How long are you going to do that for? A month. But here's the deal, man, is that... So what I've noticed is that when I'm not drinking every night, which is what I've been doing since like Thanksgiving, actually, no, since I was 18, let's be honest. Okay.

I think, you know, when you start drinking in college and you're like, oh, now I just drink it all the time. Yeah. Like you become an alcoholic in college. I've noticed now that like drinking puts me in like a state of like sloppy, right? Like dysregulated. So you're always in chaos. And then the next day you're like, you're recovering from chaos.

You feel like shit. All your decisions are kind of grumpy. And then you drink again to get relief from that feeling. Yeah. Yeah. And then now you're in the cycle. But when I don't drink, I find that I feel better all the time. But then I don't get that fun chaos release.

You know what I mean? It's like, do I choose to be even? Even Stevens all the time? Or just in constant chaos, which... Probably even. Yeah. Sounds like a pretty easy question when you present it that way. Should I be even or in chaos?

I know, but so there's no fun. Like there's, where's the fun? What do I do? You got to find something else. Like exercising. Yeah. Suck. Yeah.

Jerk off in public places. Get a thrill, you know? Yeah. Like you're not a huge drinker. No. So what do you experience life? Like what's the... I don't understand the question.

Like I kind of get burnt in that. You know what I mean? Like when you turn it up. He is drinking 24 seven. Yeah. This guy drinks all the time. I know. He drinks in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, night.

Always. I just drink at night. Like when the kids wind you up, like last night, they would not go to bed. Like what did you do to recover from that being dysregulated? Well, that was, that's a good one. I didn't do anything. I was really tired. So it let itself to my frustration because I was so tired, you know, from the weekend

and flying commercially. Yeah. That was the worst. But normally that could have sent me into like, yeah. Have a drink. Yeah. Yeah. I could have.

It's really the kids. I didn't. It really is the children that wind me up to the point of like, I got to fucking have it. But also that frustration. It's not true. Yeah. It passes. Like if you don't have the drink.

Right. It still passes. Right. You're not going to be frustrated all night. You just have to like be like, I'm fucking frustrated. God damn it. And you know, and then. Yeah.

And then I lay down and practice Italian. And then I went to bed. Oh my God. You've been practicing Italian on the toilet. Like this morning. Everywhere. I've walked by, you're taking a shit. And it's like, hey.

Hey. Yeah. And I'm like, does everybody do this because I do the same thing. I do the language stuff on the toilet. They should just change the marketing to, you want to learn Italian? You want to learn to take a shit and you can use this app. Because that's the only time anyone does it. Babble.

Learn while you shit. Yeah. Yeah. Learn while you shit. How are we doing it everywhere though? It's actually feels like you're really using your free moments for something productive. It does. Yeah.

Like just those video games on your phone or social media. But if you're actually using the app to work on a language, it's great, right? Everybody I know does it on the toilet. Really? I've talked to so many people. They're like, I'm learning German as I shit. Everybody. Yeah.

French. Well, I take a dump. That should be the new ad that we read for Babble. Learn French while you dump. Babble. How do you say dump in French? I don't know. Le dump.

Le dump. Le caca. Look it out. How do you say French? Maled. It's shit. Oh, mared. But I think.

Maled. You want to learn language? Take a shit? Caca. Oh my God. That was terrible. Gosh. Sorry about that.

Oh my God. That was terrible. You okay? No. It was so fucking loud. Well, you just made Tom's cigarette deaf, Nadav. Way to go. Are you okay?

Yeah. Sorry about that. Turn that in. Let's see it again. All right. So here is caca. You can turn it up a little bit. What?

Caca. Okay. Huh? It sounds. It sounds. It sounds. It sounds. It sounds.

It sounds. It sounds. And caca. Okay. Huh? It sounds. It's a totally different pronunciation. Caca.

Sounds like caca. Caca. Caca. Caca. In Hungarian it's caca too. See? See. It's.

Caca. Caca. Caca. Ya, Maled. That's too. That's shit. How do you say I have to take a dump in French? Just type it in the.

No, that's a fancy way. Type it in that area there. I have to take a shit. It's like I have to take a dump. Let's see if they. If they. I have to take a dump. Babble.

Language for shits. I have to take a dump. Language. Well, you take a dump. Oh my God. I really did her. I think I have a headache. That was startling.

It's like a bomb went off. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. All right. It's cool. I don't need to hear. I have to take a dump.

Babble. Language for shits. I have to take a dump. I have to take a dump. Babble. Language for shits. I have to take a dump. Babble.

Language for shits. I have to take a dump. Language for electronics. I've been drinking for a year. I've heard for the first 45 years in my life. It like shook my nervous system. Me too.

I'm traumatized. What do we do? We drink. Yeah, you don't have a drink. I don't have a drink. God damn. What the fuck? You just fucked up my party favors.

Not yours. You didn't said it. It's bold to call a fucking cop retarded. Right? And stupid. Yeah, it's pretty bold, I'd say. Yeah. Like to a police officer?

But he dumped out that guy's vodka. I know. Are you retarded? Yeah. I'd feel the same way. Fuck. What the fuck is you retarded? Is you retarded?

It's also a good one. What is your retarded? Just we retarded? Just we retarded. Somebody was defending the word. I think he on tiktok. I don't know if you know this guy because I feel like you know everybody on tiktok. Yesterday I started complaining about mentally ill 14 year old on tiktok complain about

one of my videos and tiktok punished me for seven days. Yeah. Seven days. I've been there. They're not going to have new videos from Andre and the kid complained that I used the word retarded. Okay. By definition, the word is still there.

Yeah. Encyclopedia Britannica and it stands for what it stands. Okay. He's right. He's right. And it's not illegal to use this word. Thank you. All over the world this word is used.

There is nothing wrong with using this word. I helped many mentally ill people as a volunteer for 16 years. I went to Chernobyl disaster site. I saw severely handicapped children who were born with no legs, no arms. Okay. Well, I don't think his mental illness is the same as retardation. I don't know. It's not the same as mental retardation.

By the way, I do like his point that Americans need to shut the fuck up about this stuff and get a passport and travel and then they would shut the fuck up about this kind of stuff. Do you know what I'm saying? Go to Chernobyl. Go see kids without legs and then we'll talk about what kind of words you should be able to use. It's a luxury to be able to talk about your words.

Of course. It is absolute. It's a first world issue to be like, it's actually they, them, like that's not something that like is of, I'm sure right now in the Ukraine, they're like, well, hold on, did you just wait a minute? Did you miss gender? I don't think that's something that's happening. Yes.

Go to Kyiv and then we'll talk about now apropos our discussion. This came in, Tom. I thought you might find this interesting. I was discussing, we were talking about amusement parks, remember? And how dangerous they are. And I brought up the Vidyan Park in Budapest and how awful and dangerous that is. Yeah. So I found out that the director of my audio book likes to casually read up on amusement

park deaths. You're kidding. I swear. What's up, Elise? Oh, that's cool. Really? I think her and her brother exchanged like amusement park death stories. That's awesome.

I'd love to hear some. I'm sure she has a bunch. Yeah. Curious about this. So, okay. I am a theme park enthusiast and have traveled across the United States visiting theme parks and riding roller coasters. I would like to personally assure you that any operating roller coaster in the United

States is constantly inspected and is completely safe. The vast majority of accidents are unfortunately due to rider error, standing up, sticking limbs out of the train, not following guidelines. While the beast may certainly be older, it was and still is completely safe. Most roller coasters in Europe are completely safe as well, except for the former USSR Russian states. I would also like to assure that there are many wooden roller coasters out there and that they are safe and maintained as well.

While the beast may have been built without calculators, all of the designing and assembling processes were composed by professional roller coaster engineers who have multiple degrees. I completely understand your skepticism about the beast and other wooden roller coasters as they feel rickety and rough. But thankfully, the US has many rules and regulations that theme parks must follow to protect the public. But I love how this guy is like, I'm just an enthusiast. This is just a guy that likes…

He just kind of likes… Yeah, who are you? Yeah. Are you a physicist? Are you the guy that checks these things? Yeah. Thanks, Sam, the enthusiast. But anyway, but then how are people dying?

I'd be curious to hear these stories. You think it's the rider error, like he's saying, like these dummies that don't buckle in or something? I think that there's probably, I mean, I can probably ask Elise to pass a lot of info, but… That's fascinating. It's a combination of rider error and then sometimes faulty, you know, I mean, there's a really sad one from like a month ago of the kid who died at the tower drop, but I

don't know whose fault it is yet. I don't know. You know what I'm talking about? No. One of those like drop tower things and I think it was Orlando. This kid's like a teenager, 14 years old, yeah, but I don't know whose fault it was. Do we have any update on, is it the kid's fault, is it the equipment? That's terrible.

What's it say there? Yeah. So it probably shows the incident person falls from their seat about five seconds into the ride's drop. Deputies were called where he died from his injuries. I want to know what really happened, yeah, because I don't understand the story. He was just strapped in the seats for a nearly 400 foot drop. Oh, God.

What a night. That's a really sad one. He was secured in the seat. Yes. Yes, he was secured in the seat. That's all we know at this time. So again, we operate the ride with all the safety precautions in mind. Everything is in place.

Then this is why we're doing an investigation. So obviously, maybe it's malfunction, I don't know. I mean, could you imagine? Yeah. Oh, how I died. Imagine when something like this happens at a park, what it's like to be at that park moving forward, knowing that somebody was in your park and died from what you provide. You provide the amusement ride.

Now you got me wondering, okay, will you Google Death's Magic Mountain, Los Angeles? I'm just curious to see how many people have died at the places we grew up going to, or Disneyland. I don't think anyone dies at Disney, right? Oh, yeah, people have died at Disney, for sure. Oh, God. Oh, she had an aneurysm. Brain aneurysm.

Yeah. And then a 21-year-old in 04 died after being struck by the Scream roller coaster. I don't know how that happens. But yeah, I mean, this can happen anywhere. I'm sure it happens everywhere. Oh, there's the 10 deadliest roller coaster accidents. It's how stuff works. Yeah, these are probably really depressing.

World's most horrifying amusement park accidents. Jesus. Sucks so bad. Is that a mangled card or something? Yeah, looks like it. Yeah, it looks like it went off the tracks. Jesus Christ. The fact that you're at a fun place is, I think, what makes these so much worse.

That's why it's so fascinating, because you're not expecting to die that day. Terminal velocity in Lake Dalton. Oh, my God. Take a leap of faith. The family traveled all the way there from their home in Florida just for a try. The ride worked by dropping participants over 100 feet into a net without the use of any safety harness. Or finally, the operator mistakenly released her with no net in place. Oh.

So she fell directly on the concrete. Breaking her back and pelvis, suffering brain damage. Oh, fuck. What happened to the operator in jail? I mean, I hope so. What if they're like, hey, man, you just got to put that net out? My bad. That's it.

Oh, my God. She survived. That is incredible. The girl named Tegan. She was in the hospital for two months. Sarah and Tegan? Her parents filed a lawsuit. The operator was charged with negligence.

The family agreed to a settlement with the park. I bet that was pretty substantial. At least she survived. I mean, that's incredible. She probably needs care for life. I know. It's not good. You fell 100 feet and live.

All right. Here, let's change it up. Do you know who they are? Oh, God. Can we send them to Kyiv to fight? This. So, ready? This is pretty crazy.

I used to think that you're going to like this. Joe Biden has appointed a gender fluid person, Sam Brinton. They then to a high ranking post in the department of energy. Brinton will be acting as the deputy secretary of spent fuel and waste disposition in the office of nuclear energy for the U.S. Department of Energy. This person, they have served as head of governmental relations for the Trevor project. Brinton is also a pup play enthusiast and acts as a pup handler to their pup newbie. Is this really in this person's bio?

Yes. We have to know their sexual proclivities in addition to them holding public office. This person is in the Department of Energy. That's so awesome. I mean, does this person have any other qualifications besides being into kink? There they are. I mean, is this person like, does have a degree? I'm sure they are qualified to, you know, you don't just get appointed to that job because

you have a tail. So, I'm sure that they actually know what they're doing, but I'm just pointing out. Yeah. Damn daddy. Shirt on that pup over there. That's pretty cool. I hope they have a degree in something. I wonder what if Biden starts going, he goes, you know, this pup stuff is kind of fun.

I had my buddy Sam teach me about pup play and Jill and I tried it this weekend. It was a really good time. She gave me treats out of the bowl. She put a tail. I got a tail of my butthole. Wait, let me look at more pictures of him. This is what I got. I have to say that I don't like the way the red lipstick looks with facial hair.

I think you need to make a choice. Like it's either the mustache or the red lipstick. It looks like they're a nuclear engineer. That's what that one thing said. I should hope so. That's all I want. That's all I care about. Is this person qualified?

Right there, top row, fourth on the right. Meet the nuclear engineer. Great. As long as this person is a nuclear engineer, I don't care what he, if he puts dogs up his ass. I don't care. As long as he's qualified. I know.

Sorry. It's pretty wild though, right? That we have a nuclear engineer who's in the pup play and they're like, you're in the department of energy. That's fucking amazing. That's in their press release. Also, I like to have stuff up my butt and I wear a dog mask and a leather harness. Why do you have to share that?

I don't understand why that needs to be in your professional bio. Yeah. It's just okay. Pretty cool. Yeah. Great. Oh, good. Oh, good.

Oh my God. Pretty great. That's great. What? Are you not aroused? I don't know. I'm like, I'm trying to, you know. Yeah.

You want to, what? Does he dress like that for official events? Like at the White House and stuff? Is he, are they going to show up with their red lipstick and beard? I'm sure they're not going to dress like. And two twos and such. Probably going to embrace and celebrate what they are. It's fine.

Do it. Wear your. Well, especially if your boss doesn't mind, I guess that's fine. Of course. That's the only reason you would not be able to. Personally, I would love if they not just did like a dress or something, but did like a pup related outfit for, you know what I mean? I think that should be mandatory.

He's like, Biden's like. Or comes with their date on a leash and they're like, this is my dog. We hired you. You know what? Can I just tell you something? Aren't bathrooms too far from here? We need a toilet right here. It's going to cost a fortune.

Like I want a pee, but I don't want to get up and lock. I know. How many steps is it? How many steps? To the bathroom. Oh, it's probably like a hundred. Maybe 60, 70. Yeah.

Do you have a pee right now? Can we build toilets into our chair so that we don't have to take breaks? It's going to cost a fortune. Do you need a pee? You're making a lot of scratch. I do have to pee. But how great would it be if I was like, hold on. I have to pee and then I just did it in the chair.

That'd be great. You sit in open toilets for the show? Yeah. I feel like diapers might be more practical. I don't like how that feels because they're sitting in your own hot piss. You're going to be sitting on a toilet for the stretch of an entire recording. You think that's going to be just as fun? That's a good point.

You know that I'm still traumatized from that volume. It's getting me. I know. It's horrible. And I feel like you did that on purpose to fuck with me. Well, to play your jukebox when you're not here. Yeah. You're going to play this fucking music?

I'm not. I'm sorry. I'm going to go pee pee. All right. Let's go. You're right. The porcelain's hard. We should put cushions.

My ear hurts. I know, babe. I'm sorry. I'm so dumb. I'm super stoked for this new nuclear energy guy. Not a guy. I'm sorry. They thems.

Theys. I want to laugh. Let's laugh. No. Fuck. Yeah. It was terrible. Well, yeah.

If you're listening, we just saw a big oopsie on the road. Was he trying to get around the semi and then he hit another semi? Yeah. So he was blind. He was blind to what's happened because he was not honestly changing lanes the way you're supposed to. Right. He was like quickly.

I mean, look, let's watch it again. So that semi is blocking his view. So then he just went one, two, three. He's going. Oh. Then he got the double whammy. Damn. He got two ouchies.

He got the ouchie from hitting it and then he got ouchied again. I like how you say ouchie. Yeah. That's probably said ouch. He probably went ouch. ouch. Like that. Real knucklehead move, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think he's. I don't think they're okay. He's okay. You? They did live, Zolo just tells me, but I don't think they're living an easy life right now.

Oh, it's a woman, of course. Only woman drives like that. Babe. Babe. How dare you? The driver survived, but was in a coma after fracturing her two upper cervical vertebrae and her hand. She remained in a coma for several weeks, but has gone through a remarkable recovery.

Well, that's great. Imagine having this on video and so when they're like, what, you were in a car accident? Oh my God. And then like they see it and they're like, oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. You kind of earned that one, didn't you? Yeah. Stupid bitch.

Yeah. She gets a dumb bitch award. Her boyfriend was like, yeah. I mean, look how fucking stupid you drive. It is stupid. I hate when people do that stuff, when they weave to get, it makes me crazy. Just stay in one place, you dumb shit. Yeah.

So we only have one more. Okay, good. Thank God. It looks like one of Zolo's friends. That wasn't even close. Sometimes they like end up, you know, at least they've done the flip part of it. But because he hit his, because he hit his feet on the wall, right? Is that what happened?

Like he went in for a back flip and then he hit his feet. Yeah, he didn't clear the wall. He's lucky he hit back and not head. Yeah. You know? I don't know. It sounded like you could just hear the spine hit the floor. Like I don't think good injuries come from that either.

I don't think good, but head would be worse if he was like this and just went head. Well, would you rather not ever walk again? He's walking fine. Or not ever think again. Well, I know that if I couldn't walk again, I'd rather not think again. So I don't know. Is that just being in a coma? Conscious thought?

No, brain damage. You know, just like the way you think is just put me out by the way. Yeah, me too. Just pull the plug. You have my permission. Stop feeding me. Just let it go. Same.

Let me go. Just put me on one of those, put my chair on a cliff and just go towards the ocean. What point do I pull the plug? Is it when you can't talk or communicate? You just Christopher Reeves? Yes, if they're like, what do you think he wants? And I'm like, he's saying he's having the best time with you. If you give a fuck about me, you stop letting them let me live.

Okay. Yeah, you can do it aggressively. I don't care if you tie a cord around my neck at that point. I'm sorry. Yeah. And you're like, it's okay. I'll consider it a favor. Yeah.

I don't think I could kill you. I'd have to hire someone to do it. I can't personally murder you. I can't. I know you're looking forward to killing me probably. Yeah. What are you thinking about? You want somewhere?

Death. Just go. Yeah. That's the sweet release that might be. I know. I think about living forever. And I'm like, yeah, I think there's a reason we're kind of like, that's enough. I've done enough.

Yeah. Right? Yeah. You're like, I can't do this all over again. Goodness. What do you do? It's a lot. I mean, technically, we're supposed to live about another lifetime of what we've already

lived. Doesn't that feel so long? I mean, God willing, right? That's what I'm saying. I mean, of course it can end for, but like, I'm talking about lifespans, you know? Yeah. Right? So that's about that.

Right. A little less than twice what we've already lived. And like those last years aren't even good. You're not living a peppy life. When you think about it, the way it's supposed to be, like the way it goes, if you're lucky, of course, I know people will say, you can give me a hundred million examples of it not going this way. But I'm saying on average, kind of, you're supposed to work and then right when you're

about what is considered retirement age, which is like 65, let's say, that's when you have built your nest egg, you know, to the point where like you've built your, what you can live on and you can enjoy that for the last period of life before it completely falls apart health-wise for most. So you basically are supposed to enjoy what you've worked for for like five years. Seems fair, right? You work about 45 years and then they're like, look, it's going to go south hard and quick. So go take a cruise.

You're sex because you're not even physically at your, like you should be taking those baller vacations now. You should, but then it doesn't make sense to because it's irresponsible to. But yeah, so like, because basically this, like your seventies, you're really an anomaly if you have good health in your seventies. Most people, that's like when this health just takes a serious turn south, you know, but that's like when you have supposed to have the resources to enjoy your life. I know when you're at your absolute shittiest.

I know it's so fucked. Yeah. God, life is terrible. It really is. I remember like, and this is like an example of it, but also he's in a unique position too. But I was in New Zealand with Izzy Adesanya, you know, style bender, the UFC fighter, and he had a McLaren, right?

And I was like, that's just dope, man, you know, because I mean, I like cars and I was like, I love your car. And he was like, yeah, he goes, you know, then when I get this one, I'm an old man. Like, like, and then I'm just the old guy with this car. He's like, I wanted to get it now where I get to like, enjoy this fucking sick car. And I was like, oh yeah, because you are a different guy. If you're like, I'm 70, I got a McLaren, you know, like everyone's like, okay. Okay, grandpa.

Yeah. Like trying to get laid. And he's like, I don't know. I guess. So sad. But of course not, you know, you have to have the resources to do that in your thirties or whatever, you know, or you can just take out a bunch of credit and then kill yourself in your seventies.

Yeah. Or just keep racking up credit because here's the deal. When you die, it doesn't matter if you don't have an estate to pull what you owe, the debt just goes away. Really? Excellent advice. Yeah. Well, that's true.

You may as well just rack it up and then fuck it, suck it. Once you find out your terminal, just get a bunch of credit cards. Do it now. Yeah. No, because my mother, so let's say, so, okay, so here's how it works of your estate. So what happens is the person has what's known as an estate, meaning all their things that they own, all their worth, right? So if your parents blow it out and rack up all that debt, they're supposed to pay back

the credit card company out of their estate. So like their property or whatever they can liquidate goes back to the credit card, whatever. But let's say you just blow it out and you don't have a fucking house, you don't have anything that's worth shit. Who cares? You're going to die. All that debt just disappears. It doesn't go to your children.

Your children cannot inherit your debt. So it's kind of a good theory. It's really cool. You may as well just start living on credit cards in your 60s and then just don't pay. Yeah. It is true that it's helpful to be sure you're going to die though, or you're going to die. You can make sure of it yourself. That's what I'm saying.

You can fix that. You can arrange that. You can have the best vacation and then just step in front of a train. Yeah. Ooh, it's your last cruise. Discuss this. Yeah. It's not a bad idea.

You know what I've always wanted to see was the Golden Gate Bridge. Up close and personal. What are we going to be like? On a cold day, preferably. When we're super old, I think we're going to be cute. Cute old people? Yeah. I don't know.

What do you think? I'll just be like, Tom, my breakfast. Maybe it's my solid Jewish nose. Just drinking coffee together. We cute. Our kids are grown. Maybe we'll have grandkids by then. That'll be nice.

Yeah. Probably multiples. I'm taking a shit. It'll be shit in every morning. I'll be like, bonjour. Yeah. You'll be fluent in Italian from all this toilet time you've been practicing. All my toilet practice.

Oh. What? Nothing. Bevo l'acqua. Will you love me if I lose all my hair? I'm bald. I'll wear wigs. I would never just go bald.

I think I'll wear wigs. I think that's very, very big of you to ask that question because the answer is no. I think part of you knew that, you know? Okay. Hold on. Game note. Real talk. Real talk.

Okay. Real talk. All right. What would make you stop loving me? Let's be real. How much time do you have? No, hold on. What if I gained...

Okay. What about a 500-pound weight gain? Absolutely not. There's zero chance. Of what? Of loving you. Right. And by the way, you can reduce that number by multiples and the answer is still no.

Five pounds from now? Okay. What if... I'm being serious though. I'm trying... Okay. Can I just ask you what would be deal breakers? That's a big one.

Yeah. Yeah. And I get like real, real husky. Like I'm strapped to the couch. I don't believe... Goodbye. Yeah. Something's wrong with me.

Yeah. Okay. Number two, I convert to Christianity and I just talk about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ 24-7. Huge turnoff. Goodbye. Yeah. Vegan.

I'm a vegan now and all I talk about is how it's cruel to eat animals. I think I might just be mean to you, but I don't know if I... I'd just be like, you know, you're a fucking idiot with this and I just like, I'd probably be abusive for everyone. This is so funny. Well, do we're talking about this on where my mom's at where I'm like, oh, if I became that chick, my husband would not tolerate. That sounds like something you'd say.

Yeah. There's some girl we were talking about who's being annoying. Oh, I know what I was talking about. I was talking about Gwyneth Paltrow. So when she wakes up in the morning, listen to what she does. Okay. There's this series on Harper's Bazaar or whatever. Yeah.

Where celebrities talk about what they eat in a day. Are you ready for this? Yeah. So Gwyneth Paltrow wakes, I wake up before my children wake up. So that's like five in the morning. I think we have some of these. Oh, do we have it? Yeah.

Yeah. I have a feeling... You ready? What Gwyneth Paltrow does will make you leave me or will severely annoy me. This is a good, yeah. This is good. Let's see. Okay.

Let's go. I'm Gwyneth Paltrow and this is everything I eat in a day. The thing I do when I wake up is oil pulling with coconut oils. And then I usually have a large glass or two of water and then I have coffee after... Hold on. Press pause. Okay. So she wakes up.

What the fuck did she say first? Hold on. She wakes up in the morning. So, and she goes and she stands in her window. We cut that part out. And she does oil pulling, okay? It's an Ayurvedic thing where you swish coconut oil around in your mouth for like minutes and then it naturally kills the bacteria in your mouth.

Now, here's a problem with Ayurvedic pulling is that people like her don't just do this and shut the fuck up about it. They like to tell you about it. It's like Christians, like the hardcore Christians. Or vegans. Like they proselytize. And that's the annoying part of that. Can I tell you, I used to find her very attractive.

She's so pretty. Yeah. But you know what's interesting? I'm looking at her and she just looks annoying. Yeah. Yeah. You know, when someone like starts you're like, you look annoying. That's what registered first because I was like, she's very annoying.

Because she does Ayurvedic pulling. Yeah. It's almost like her eating habits have bled into her ability to communicate and now it's like you can't separate the two. If I take my kids to school, I go straight to the gym and I always have a big thing of water at the gym and I put two of our goop glows in there for vitamin C and for skin. Sometimes I will have to get a smoothie from somewhere. So I try to have a smoothie that has some good fat and some protein and some fiber.

Or sometimes if I'm in a rush, I just eat these delicious peanut butter protein bars. If I'm hungover, which does happen occasionally, then I try to eat something like, you know, like an egg sandwich or something that will sort of help me through it. I'm usually eating for lunch stuff that you would see on the Goop website like salad with some protein, you know, they'll do like a really clean version of a turkey burger with some kind of, you know, grape sauce that's very healthy and, you know, wrapped in lettuce or something like that. Usually at about three or four, I'll hit the snack covered at the Goop office.

Again with the Goop. Maybe I'll have some cashews or pretzels or something like that. And then for dinner, you know, my kids love Asian food. So we'll have. It's the lesson here though that the only way to be this thin is just basically don't eat. Yeah. Right.

It feels like she just doesn't really. She doesn't. That's what it seems like. They never do. I have cashews. Oh, they don't eat. All they eat is nuts. Hold on.

Water. This is what celebrities eat. Are you ready? Yeah. Avocado toast is I watched all their diets. Almond butter. Yeah. That's everything.

And then chaya seeds. Okay. But do we have Kelly Ripa's diet in here? Did that make it? My kids love Asian food. Yeah. I don't want to hear it. I don't care.

I can't. So Kelly Ripa's diet, the clip got pulled because it was too severe. Really? Yes. So Kelly Ripa. She looks like she's too severe with her diet. She is so, so thin. So thin.

Well, she's on that good morning. Yeah. She's been on TV for 20 years. Yeah. Apparently she has like an insane lifestyle like spending habits. Oh, really? Yes. Good for her.

Yeah. No. Like it all, it all gets spent. Oh, oh, that's not good. Okay. Yeah. So she's extremely thin. That's, she looks great.

So, okay. Here's Kelly Ripa's diet. She's very pretty. Are you ready? Yeah. Because we can't play the clip because it's been pulled, but I did watch it on YouTube beforehand. Okay.

Okay. She wakes up in the morning and the first thing she has, I believe is hot water, just a cup of hot water. And then, okay, hold on. And then it's a spoonful of ghee in the coffee. And then it's a green liquid, like a spoonful of horrible green powder in liquid. She drinks that and then she goes, and then my first chewable food is chewable. I mean, how fucking body dysmorphic and orthorexic are you?

But I got to say, looks great. She looks great. Yeah. Looks great. But to call it chewable. What's her first chewable food? Okay. So her first chewable food, again, with the almond butter.

So almond butter, apples, and then, okay, okay. And then, so a salad for lunch, a salad for dinner. And if she treats herself, it's a chaya seed chocolate cocoa pudding that she'll make. And if she really wants to go off the rails, one chocolate covered almond. One? One. And she goes, and I like it because the almond is still healthy. I feel like I'm doing something healthy.

Wow. She's like a very extreme. Yeah. So that's why her PR people pulled the clip. But luckily I'm here to reiterate everything she said. And I think the husband eats like that too because he has a, he's super jacked. He's always been like super lean and muscular because they probably eat together. Well, this guy has no fat on him either.

No, no, they're gorgeous. But she's, she made a good point. She's like, look, I always have to stay ready. Like, you know, when you film something, you want to, you get your weight down. So, but she's always on TV every day. So she has to keep this figure. I agree. It's, there's no slacking.

It looks like she has a book coming out too. I have a book also coming out. I wonder if I can outsell Kelly Rippa. Hell yeah, you can. She's on television every morning though. Every morning. Your book should be what I shit in a day. Then you talk about your bowel movement.

Rude. What I eat and shit in a day. Please pre-order my book and let me outsell Kelly Rippa. You go to ThompsonGro.com slash book and people are buying the audio book like in pretty aggressive numbers. Amazing. Good for you. We recorded it here.

They let me record it here. They wanted me to go to a studio in LA when I was there. Then they're like, we can find you a studio in Austin and I was like, what about my studio? And they were like, uh, and they had to set, we had to send them a temp vert. They're like, we got to hear what it sounds like and I sent it to them and they were like, you're good to go. We got the multi-million dollar studio. So I was like, if we have a fucking studio, I should be able to record there.

And they're like, we got to hear it first, but they gave us the thumbs up, the whole thing was done here. Awesome. Where did you sit? I stood right here. We had a set up, a stand set up here. Naked. Naked dick out.

I told them, you have to look at this. I made them watch. I said, you like the jukebox? Watch the naked. And then it was great. That's amazing. Salam. Um, why does it say that Tom ruined your dinner?

Oh, I get it now. I see. Oh, you don't remember. That's just something that you forgot about, huh? I forgot about that. Yeah. Cause you, Nadav, like a while back, his brother came to town and, um, you know, they were trying to convert a bunch of people in Austin and then they, um, they went to a monster

truck rally. I saw that on Instagram. That's so cool. Which I was like, I thought it was an office outing and I was like, they're all at a monster truck rally. I didn't know it was him and his brother and it's all families and kids and then these two are there. Yeah.

A couple of chomos. Straight up. Felt weird. And then I started texting you like videos and things I wanted you to look at. Right. Cause I know when you send a group chat to me and Zolo, I know it's for the show, but when you just send links to me, I know it's not for the show. It's just upset me.

Yeah. And so my brother was visiting from Israel. I was like, oh, let me show you what Texas has to offer. We got monster trucks. We got guns. We have stakes. We have barbecue. And so like I took them to a nice steakhouse and we ordered some Wagyu beef, maybe the

most expensive meat that we've ever had. And in the middle of that, I started getting texts from you saying, Hey, watch this. What do you think of this one? And I respond back saying, I'm in the middle of something. I'll watch this in a couple hours. And I was like, no, right. You start threatening my job pretty immediately. You start saying this is insubordination.

Yeah. I'm your boss. You should do what I'm telling you. This is your fucking job. And then you said, this is bullying. Right. I said, this is bullying. You're sending me.

I mean, Tom, the videos that you're sending me are so horrific. You're not even sending me links. It's video clips. Yeah. Because it's from websites that you're not. Well, also, it's illegal to own the videos that you're sending. Oh my God. What are you sending?

Well, so what I do is I download them before I send them to you, you know? Uh-huh. Right. In case they get taken down because they're illegal. I also don't want you to be like, oh, I got to click this. I want to be like, here's the, you just watch it right here right now. Right. Because sometimes even just the thumbnail preview is pretty upsetting.

Yeah. And then I remember you sent me a batch and then I was like, wow, all these are all pretty terrible. The last one I wasn't able to see because it's so small. Yeah. I was like, but I'll watch it later. And then later I downloaded it to my phone and it blew it up. And it was.

What was the last one? It was the snake one. Oh yeah. What is it? I want to see. Are you going to share? I don't know if you want to. You don't want to see this one.

We can't even share it on the live show. Like it's just illegal. Really? It's some Mr. Hands type stuff. What does that mean? It's like fisting snakes or something? Kind of. Not with a fist.

Yeah. This guy fucks a snake. Oh. It's pretty. He knows how to do it. It doesn't take him long. Yeah. Why are you sharing this with people?

Because somebody sent it to me and I always think, if it's something really bad, I always think to send it to the dog. I know what it is. What? I said, I kept on saying, thank you for sending nice videos. Oh, that's what it was. Like this is a nice change. You're like, oh, okay, challenge accepted.

Oh yeah. And then I told my brother this, he's like, oh dude, my boss sends me murder videos. And I was like, oh, send those to me. Tom loves those. I'll start doing it. And then you're like, okay, you up your game. You start, you sent me the snake video. That's right.

And then my brother couldn't. Now that's what I remember is that he was like, thanks for these. You know, these aren't bad. These are nice. Thanks for sending me nice stuff. And I was like, oh, you're fucking with me, you know, so I was like, I'll, I'll get you back now. Yeah.

Why do you think you enjoy disapproval so much? Why do you think it gives you so much joy to upset people? Definitely that would be if my therapist was asking, I'd be like, because of my mom, he'd be like, that's right. Yeah. You think you're getting back at her a little bit? Is that what this is? I mean, it's definitely the foundation of it.

The disapproval. It's definitely related to her. Joy when you, when she would be, ah, that, that's always made me like a smiley lit up just now. Yeah. Tell me why. But away. Yeah.

That's always made me happy. Yeah. Interesting. Well, it does make me happy when you fart in front of her and she gets so upset. That's fun or belch at dinner. Yeah. That's a fun one. Yeah.

I love doing that at dinner. And then it gives you joy when the dog is upset or when I'm upset. I like, I like seeing him go like, oh, like I know that, you know, like I've ruined a moment for him. That always makes me happy. You've ruined multiple meals. Like you do this to me at work. You do this to me at lunch.

You do this to me when you know I'm, yeah, look at this. Look at your face. Lighten up. Look at your face. It's Christmas. It does make me happy. It does. I don't know why.

I don't know why, but I think it's related to, you know, I like the person I'm doing it to. I think it means I like you. Oh. I didn't hope so. I don't do it to people I don't like though. You know what I mean? That's true.

That's true. You're indifferent. If I don't like someone, I would not engage in that. I'm doing it to people I like. Right. Wow. That's interesting. Yeah.

Thank you, Tom. It's my way of saying, Hey, I care about you. Yeah. I got you on my mind. Here's somebody getting hit by a bus. Yeah. Yeah. So it's when the murder videos stop coming is when I know I'm in bad water.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What a tortured psychology.

Yeah. Yeah. That's true. So I want to point out, Matt, some people have noticed this. It may be new to you or some of you, but Uncle Shine has upped his game recently. No. First, he got a new phone and now he's actually got somebody reporting him. Oh, wow.

And he stopped posting 13 second videos. He did about 40,000 of those. And now he's doing some minute long ones and kind of expanding what he talks about. But I mean, same stuff, but like, instead of being condensed into that time, you really get to see what he's into, you know. Hey, my baby girl. See, someone's recording. Rachel.

Rachel. You're so beautiful, baby girl. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You see the way you ears by the beach? Yeah. I'm full of that awkward. Yeah.

I'm full of that awkward and make them nervous. The way you're bending over, I'm going to eat your ass because I'm full of awkward and smoke. I'm going to pass some smoke in your ass. Oh, wow. And I'm a leaky like a dog. He started doing that. You missed it.

You look down. You look down. This was just for you. I'm a leaky like a dog. I'm a leaky like a dog. See, it makes me happy when you make that face. Your disapproval over cool guys has always made me really happy. I think that's why I even look for cool guys is because I know it'll make you upset.

All the time, if another dog come on my baby doggy. Did he fix his teeth? Oh, yeah. I'm a grout. I'm going to make my baby girl rage. I'm going to make that dog shit. Oh, yeah. Oh, I like this.

See, yeah. I like that. Full new thing. I like it. Really gets to. He's in a new environment. Is this a hotel room? I think it's his place.

I think it's his place. Yeah. Well, that's lovely. I like that he's expanding his art now. He's got the. So it's still about you get your ass. Let me show you the tongue wagging. He told you.

That was really neat. I'm a dog and I'll bite the other dog that tries to come for you. He's trying to. But I like that as a woman. I like knowing that my man will protect me. Yeah. Now, here's something I've never even heard him talk about before. Chinese women.

Oh. All right. I got something for somebody. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But I'm Chinese. Yeah. I'm changing.

That's my baby. Yeah. I'm in love with the ass. Yeah. I'm in love with the ass. Yeah. Ching, Ching. I'm Chinese.

Yes. The Vietnamese. Whatever. Whatever. I want that ass. Yeah. I'm gonna bite your booty. Yeah.

Yeah. My baby. Hmm. Hmm. Very, very good. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna put my tongue in your ass.

Chinese. You my baby. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna put my tongue in your ass. Chinese. You my baby. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh. That's for you, Chinese. Chinese. You know, I'm gonna put my tongue in your ass. I got it. I got it.

Thank you. Now, anyway, why did you shake your head like that? Yeah. I mean. I just feel bad for my man. Someone needs to teach this boy. Someone needs to teach this boy a couple things. What could he do?

What could he do? What could he do? What could he do? What could he do? What could he do? What could he do? What could he do? He needs to teach this boy a couple things.

What could he do? Yeah. What would you tell him? Oh, man. Stop recording, nigga. Number one. I don't know. Number two, brush your teeth.

I don't know. It's got a lot. It's a lot. You think, like, would you direct if he's like, I gotta make videos? Would you just say your message needs to change? It's literally this 10,000 times now. I mean, he's expanding, but it's the same message. Yeah.

I mean, you gotta be consistent. So I guess there's that. But I don't know. Yeah. Maybe switch it up. Yeah. Try a new lane, perhaps. Maybe it ain't the ton wagon that's going to work.

I also think you can lick their asses if they like you, but you can't lead with, I'm going to lick your ass, right? Like someone, if you want to eat that ass, you got to. But we've discussed this before. Brad Pitt saying, Christina, I want to lick your ass versus Unkshine. It's all in there. But here's the thing, Brad would never do that. No, he wouldn't.

You know, he's going to be like, that's the thing. It's, you can't lead with what you want to do. Sexual. Right. There needs to be a ruse of, I'm a gentleman and I'm courting you. Like if his videos were like, I'm going to give you, hey, I'm going to give you a tour of Lafayette. I'm going to show you what, you know, this area is like.

He would do that. Some girl watching a series of those videos would be like, I'm coming to Lafayette and you might end up getting your tongue in her ass. Right. But if you're just like, I'm going to eat you every time, you're just going to. Yeah, he's right. He's showing all of his carts. You can't go in with the intent.

The lion that wants to eat you. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like you can't entice the prey. I don't know the analogy I'm trying to make. I know what you're saying. I think we're trying to say the same thing. When you're hunting something, you don't want it to know your intent.

The wolf doesn't come out to Little Red Riding Hood and just say, I'm going to eat you. The wolf lures you in with, I'm grandma. Right. Which is like, he's got to have another interest. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. He needs to deflect this horniness.

That's the problem with a lot of these cool guys is they can't contain their horniness. Yeah. And it ruins their game and it makes them cool. Yeah. That's what makes them a cool guy. All these guys on these walls can't contain their horniness. Yeah. That's how you get up here.

Right. You got to calm the fuck down. Calm down. Channel it into something else. Chill the fuck out. Chill out. Yeah. You can't show her that you're horny.

It's so desperate. It's just like, ugh. That's what it reads as. It is pussy repellent. Right. Because if you think about it, everyone's had these moments. Everyone's been so horny, especially guys, I'm saying. You're so horny that you're like, I'll fucking, like, and that never works.

It doesn't work. Like you're at your best. It doesn't work. When you, your horniness is like to the side, you lead with actual personality. You see them as a human. Yeah. Yeah. And then all of a sudden your horniness gets taken care of by the girl because she likes

you. But if you're just like, this dick is ready. Like they're like, okay, you're going to get a real fucking getter pig if you that's who. But also don't you find in life too, when you're too eager and desperate, even in business or anything, it reads and it's so unattractive. Just calm the fuck down. Desperation is never attractive.

Ever. Ever in any lane. And that's what this, this is the problem with Uncle Shine. Someone used to tell him, like dial back the desperation. Well, we just did. Let's see. I know he watches very closely. So we'll see.

Okay. Jeans. I'm touring. I'm touring. Where are you going to be? May 3rd, one night only in Los Angeles at the region theater. What was that with? Pom Pom.

Pom Pom. And then I had to reschedule many Apple tits that got pushed to August. That'll be up on the board soon. Your vagina stinks. Not your blood. May 20th and 21st, Irvine, Spermvine, California, June, I forget you could do that. Atlantic City at the Borgata, June 4th, June 5th, Boston, massive huge tits at the Borgata.

Oh, Wilbur. The Wilbur. Sniff that one. I love him. And then I go to Washington Diccombe, July 15th and 16th. Ted, I like his name to be honest. Hitburger. August 12th and 13th, Cleveland, Ohio.

That's so gay. October 6th, 7th and 8th, Gashville, Tennessee. That's where it spits. Kristina P. Online. There you go. Good tickets. Thank you, babe. All right.

We're going to wrap it up. Thank you guys for watching and listening. We'll be back next week, Gene. Bye, Mommy. Bye-bye. This is spirit, air? It's similar. What's your pay for, guys?

Well, the spirit is in the play. I'm going to play it. I'm going to play it. I'm going to play it. I'm never going to be on the good flights.