Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 654 - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Starting point is 00:00:00 Denver, what's up? I'm adding a second show at Ball Arena, July 24th. Tickets go on pre-sale this Wednesday at 10 a.m. local time with the code word TOMMY, T-O-M-M-Y. Go to tomsteguru.com slash tour for tickets. Thank you. The funniest ones I ever got was when I did Comedy Central Presents. They didn't give me notes. They gave me like the legal, what's it called? Like there's a department. Yeah, yeah, they have to clear your gents. Standards and practices? Yes. Your joke about how Indian people smell. It's like, yeah, this is not permissible. The Puerto Rican stabbing is fine. Just call it a disorder. Disorder, disorder, disorder, disorder, disorder, disorder, disorder, she's a good vocal son.

Starting point is 00:02:29 Disorder. Disorder. Disorder. Disorder. Disorder. Disorder. Himalaya. Disorder.

Starting point is 00:02:45 Disorder. Disorder. Disorder. Disorder. Disorder. Disorder. Disorder. Disorder.

Starting point is 00:03:01 Ladder. Loose. Disorder. Loose. Loose. Loose. Loose. Loose.

Starting point is 00:03:17 Loose. Loose. Loose. Loose. Loose. Loose. Loose. Loose.

Starting point is 00:11:34 Loose. Loose. Loose. Tовой. Loose. Loose. Loose. Loose.

Starting point is 00:15:14 Loose. Loose. Loose. Loose. A. He drinking is not high. You always do like the floor to trash.

Starting point is 00:15:32 They all do. Yeah. Yes. I remember. Last time we were in Florida and we were what we had at the Starbucks.

Starting point is 00:15:48 There was a kid in flip Jinetts. Yeah. There's a real look to Florida trash. Yeah. I've seen it a lot. Yeah. Like when you're from somewhere,

Starting point is 00:16:05 you know your type of trash better than anything else. 100%. Yeah. Like Valley Trash. Yeah. Zulu and I can attend and Nick Nadav to a Valley Trash.

Starting point is 00:16:17 To me, Valley Trash is way... Yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead. Foreign meaning foreign to you is always way scarier to the person. So Valley Trash to me, I'm like, poof.

Starting point is 00:16:30 Like I get, I think about like, you know, just, I don't know. It scares me in a different way. Sure, sure. Florida Trash, it can be very scary, but it's also more familiar. Like I know that piece of shit.

Starting point is 00:16:42 Yeah. You know what I mean? Yes, it doesn't scare you because Florida Trash scares me more than Valley Trash. Yeah. So there's a few types of Valley Trash. Number one, I'm going to go with

Starting point is 00:16:50 really tight skinny jeans. Too tight. To where the stomach bulges over, right? That's like a number one rule to Valley Trash. I'm going to go with long nails, white manicure,

Starting point is 00:17:01 like white nails, right? Yeah. Or white pedicure, white French. Obviously like a bad tit job. See, pull up a bloodline on Netflix. Oh my God. That guy.

Starting point is 00:17:15 There was a guy that played a Florida White Trash piece of shit and he nailed it so well. I'm trying to think of the character's name. I know you're talking about. Maybe Eric or something. Eric or something. Go.

Starting point is 00:17:31 It's him. It's Ben. Go one more. That guy. Doesn't he play it? Danny. No, that's not the character. That's not the piece of shit.

Starting point is 00:17:40 Scroll. Scroll. I'll tell you who it is. It's right there. Eric. Yeah. He plays Eric. That guy.

Starting point is 00:17:51 Yeah. Type in Eric. Bloodline Eric. I hit the images. That fucking scumbag. I fucking, I knew a thousand guys like that. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:06 And you see them and what you do is you just go like, all right, like stay away from this guy. It's the kind of guy that goes, hey man. Hey, I saw you got a scratch on your side. You want me to fix that for you? You're like, no, I don't.

Starting point is 00:18:17 I'm good. I like scratches. Like they're always up. They always have an angle. You know, white trash always has an angle. Yeah. You know, so it's like, Oh, 100%.

Starting point is 00:18:26 I just had some trash guy. Hey, can you help me out? Can you help me out? No. I had a guy try and sell me a dog the other day. Yeah. He's like, you're like, you like dogs. Go to the other image.

Starting point is 00:18:36 Go down one. Sorry. Try to sell me a puppy. See that neck beard? All that white trash has a neck beard in Florida. His beard is all the way down here. Yeah. He's a real fucking scumbag.

Starting point is 00:18:47 And they all have shirts like that, you know, sleeveless shirts as hot as fuck down there. Filthy hands. Yeah. They always try to sell you something like you're saying. They sell shit to you. And a rope necklace. Oh, it's a stupid necklace. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:59 That guy nailed that. I mean, really nailed it. Is that a shark too? What's his real name? Because he's fucking phenomenal in that. Jamie McShine. McShine? Jamie.

Starting point is 00:19:12 Really? Jamie. Jamie McShane. Okay. Jamie McShane. Jamie McShane. Jamie McShane. That sounded like a fucking circus thing.

Starting point is 00:19:26 Okay. Now, he was phenomenal. Yeah. So good. Yeah. Trying to sell me trash. You know, just so you know, this guy, this guy in that video. I got a nice butt.

Starting point is 00:19:38 He's got a nice butt. You want to see it? No. Why can't I get like, what's up with that? Can you picture what he would be like to make love? I'd stop. No, because you said you knew what Batman was like. So what's he like?

Starting point is 00:19:55 Hold on. He's gross. Like he's, hold on. He's like one of those guys that's like, yeah. Oh, you're going to, yeah, come over here, babe. Like he's going to be very chatty with you. And he thinks like he's the man. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:15 Right? Like, go over here. He thinks this is a clever observation. You understand? He posted this because he was like, I got one. So that's what he's going to be like in conversation. It's his hot take. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:26 You ever notice? It's going to be something you're like, yeah, I have noticed. Because I have an IQ over 50. Yeah. You ever notice women wear high heels when they look taller? They're not that tall. You're like, that's a good observation. Oh God.

Starting point is 00:20:43 What do you think he's like in bed? Hard and fast. Yeah. He sucks. He's a terrible lay. I think he comes pretty quick. He's no Batman. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:54 Yeah, you really think Batman's going to really make love. He's the best of all the superheroes that I could have sex with. No way. Superman, lame as shit. Superman in bed is Superman. But he's that guy. This is stopping Superman. But that's what I'm saying is that his dick will like break you in half.

Starting point is 00:21:09 It'll go inside of you. No, he'll take it out. He'll take it easy. You don't think he can pull back on his super strength when he's bang? And he's carried away next to see? He does all the time. He can pick you up. No, I would like that part, but I'm afraid of his strength.

Starting point is 00:21:22 Then he's not going to be like, I'm going to fuck you until your head pops off. He might. If he's mad at you. Why is he mad at you? I don't know. I think the Hulk would really fuck you hard. That's scary. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:33 I would have sex with David Banner. David Banner. What's his name? The other, the Jekyll to the heart. Sure, yeah. Bruce Banner. Bruce. But the Hulk, but his dick is big.

Starting point is 00:21:46 Big and green. Big green dick. Yeah. Big green dick. For sure it doesn't fit. And I don't think you can make it fit. I think it just splits you in half. I think you just die right then.

Starting point is 00:21:58 But hold on. Am I having sex with the Lou Ferrigno Hulk? The television character Hulk? Yeah. Or the movie CGI Hulk? All right. Lou Ferrigno has sex. No, you can't have sex with that guy.

Starting point is 00:22:08 Wait, look, he's talking about his dick. Yeah. Yeah, you can't fuck that. There's no way. There's no way you could have sex with the Hulk. But you could have sex with Lou Ferrigno. Look at the Hulk getting butt fucked. I don't like that.

Starting point is 00:22:22 Goodness gracious. Oh, yeah. Woof. Whoa. Yeah, he's got a big green. Gay Hulk cock. Okay. Yeah, like, look at that.

Starting point is 00:22:33 Look at that. No, it's too much. Yeah, that's too much. Can't do that. Although the Hulk is one of my favorite characters. I know. But Lou Ferrigno, you could because he's a man. You could fuck Lou Ferrigno.

Starting point is 00:22:43 Sure you can. He fucked people all the time. All the time. Probably still does. He has kids. Yeah. He definitely knows how to fuck. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:51 So then can I fuck Lou Ferrigno? Can I do the human version of the Hulk? Hold on. This is a really interesting question now. Do I go? It's a fantastic question. What I'm saying is you are wrong thinking that Superman's not going to make the best love to you.

Starting point is 00:23:05 He's Superman. This is that. You're saying... You don't think Superman can go dick vibrate now and it just goes like... Well, wait a minute. Inside of you? Well, hold on. You're attributing powers to him.

Starting point is 00:23:16 We don't know he's... Yeah. They're not allowed to put that in the fucking comic book. He's Superman. Well, here's what we know he can do, right? He can see through things. Yeah. He's right.

Starting point is 00:23:26 X-ray vision. Heat vision where he burns things with his eyes. Yeah, he burns things with his eyes. He flies. Yeah. He can fuck you in the sky. How tight would that be? How tight would that be?

Starting point is 00:23:35 He's fucking you and you're like, are you picking me up? He's like, up, look down. You're like, are we above the buildings and he's just fucking holding you in the sky? You know why I don't like him? It's because of the childhood Superman I grew up with, Christopher Reeves. Yeah. He was a little fey for me. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:51 A little too all-American. It's not my type. I like a little mystery. He's too squeaky. Yeah, you're more Batman. Batman is... I'm darker. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:59 I'm dork-sided. Yeah. Yeah. I think the Batman is a little more aggro than you are thinking he is. I mean, he is torn and he might cry and all this shit, but I still think that you're going to get some bat pounds in there where it's like, it's going to get dark. It is going to get dark where he's like, yeah. He's too emotional.

Starting point is 00:24:20 Yeah, he's going to be like, eat out of the toilet or something and you're like, what? This is a good question then. So which of the superheroes will be the most mentally stable? I'm sure the audience will weigh in on this one. They know who can fuck. There'll be some good theories. What other superheroes are there? Flash comes way too fast for sure.

Starting point is 00:24:40 That wouldn't do flash. No, I'm not interested in. There's so many. Iron Man? Iron Man's dope. Iron Man, because he's a human. He is. He's like, see him in with like toys.

Starting point is 00:24:49 That's cool. But here's the thing. Iron Man billionaire, multi-billionaire. Yeah. Billionaires are used to just getting everything brought to them taken care of. Right. He's got a lot of effort from Iron Man. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:02 He's lazy. He's a lazy lion. Of course. That's true. Everybody's serving him all day. That's true. Which you can make the case for Batman too, because he's also a billionaire. He's a billionaire, but he's got that butler that he's friends with.

Starting point is 00:25:16 So I feel like he's capable of. The butler taught him how to fuck. The butler taught him how to fuck. You didn't know that about about Jeves? Morgan Freeman was like, you got to tickle the ass holes. What? Mr. Wayne. But here's the deal, man.

Starting point is 00:25:33 Is that touch the ass. Okay. Okay. Vicki Vale was with Batman for a long time and Superman had Lois Lane, so they're capable of relationships. Yeah, they are. I'm just talking about who's best and bad. I know.

Starting point is 00:25:47 But who would you fuck? Okay. Hold on. Wonder Woman. Now, hold on. Here's the deal. Here's a problem with Wonder Woman. That Wonder Pussy's got to be unbelievable.

Starting point is 00:25:56 But she's from the island of Lesbos. They don't like guys. Because you hadn't been with me yet. She's from Czech Island. Yeah. Diana. Right. That's her name.

Starting point is 00:26:09 Okay. So what other, what other lady superhero? I think she has a stinky box. She has that like tight, tight thing. Can I, can I tell you something? I don't think that outfit's very porous. That's what I'm thinking too. I think so.

Starting point is 00:26:19 I think so. She could lasso your dick. I think she takes it off and you're like, whew. Yeah. And she's very athletic. She's always running and jumping and doing stuff. Sweaty. Stinky box.

Starting point is 00:26:28 Stinky box. Definitely. I think you still go down. It's Wonder Woman. It is Wonder Woman. Yeah. You think her vaginal juices cure your eczema and all your stuff? You're like, oh my God.

Starting point is 00:26:39 Wonder Woman. I think I come up and I have a long hair and a hair and I'm like, oh my God. Yeah. What the fuck? I grew hair. Teeth are super clean and white. It's my pussy. It's my pussy, Jesus.

Starting point is 00:26:50 That'll be rad. Yeah. Yeah. What about Storm? I like Storm. She's cool. She's an X-man. X-man.

Starting point is 00:26:59 I don't even know who that is. It was from the X-men. There's so many X-men. Yeah. That's really blue up. Oh, Batgirl's kind of dope. Oh, wait a minute. Dude, you know you should bat.

Starting point is 00:27:07 What about Catwoman? Catwoman's a shit. She's a pussy and a pussy. She's the best. Yeah. No, Catwoman's gorgeous. I know. And in this latest one, isn't that what she's playing?

Starting point is 00:27:16 Is Zoe playing Catwoman? Yeah. She's so hot. Who's playing Catwoman? Oh, Zoe Kravitz. Kravitz? The most beautiful woman on the planet. She is so gorgeous.

Starting point is 00:27:25 Wait, may I? Okay, I agree with you. Fucking A, man. I think Zoe is stunning. I mean, her parents are the two most attractive people on the planet. I know. Lenny Kravitz and... But Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet created this perfect human.

Starting point is 00:27:39 Oh, my God. She's a perfect human. No, I know. She's ridiculous. And then, hold on. But what about... She's fucking Channing Tatum. Of course she is.

Starting point is 00:27:49 Yeah. You know who I like, though? And you might like her because she's crazy. The Riddler's girlfriend. Come on, they have two or three. It's with the blonde chick. Guys, you're supposed to know this stuff. You guys are five years old.

Starting point is 00:28:08 Yeah. No. What were they talking about? The blonde girl that played in I, Tanya, the very famous... Margot Robbie. Margot Robbie. Exactly. What's Margot Robbie?

Starting point is 00:28:19 Oh, she's in the Suicide Squad. Suicide Squad. Oh. Sold. Yeah. I knew it. I knew you'd like... Oh, Harley Quinn.

Starting point is 00:28:27 Harley Quinn. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And she's crazy. And she's... Is she a superhero, though? She's a villain, a super villain. I guess you would say.

Starting point is 00:28:35 Oh, done. Yeah. Sign me up. I knew you'd like Margot Robbie. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Margot Robbie can get it. She's gorgeous.

Starting point is 00:28:43 Yeah. And also, her with like mental problems. Yeah. Being that hot, it's like... Yeah. She's probably great. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:28:51 For sure. For sure you can't keep up with her. Her demands in bed, I'm saying. Starts fun. And then after an hour, you're like, hey, you want to get something to eat? And she's like, huh? And you're like, what do you want to do? She's like, get your dick out.

Starting point is 00:29:05 Get it ready again. You're like, I can't. Yeah. That's nice. Thank you for sharing that. I already came three times. I'm scared. And she's like, I'm going to use this fucking sledgehammer on your dick right now.

Starting point is 00:29:17 You start crying. But then you still get hard. Look at her fucking face. She's like a crazy bitch right there. No. I think she's my fave right now. I like Harley Quinn. But I do like Catwoman's probably arguably the most sexual, beautiful.

Starting point is 00:29:33 But here's the thing. Yeah. It's like, that's a different, that's like the elegant sexuality. And this is like, go to jail. Crazy fun girl. See, this is interesting because male superheroes aren't built for fucking. But the female superheroes are built for fucking. Interesting.

Starting point is 00:29:48 What's that all about? But in their outfit, in their like, their uniform, whatever, they look like they're built for fucking. Who? The men? Yeah. Like Batman. Batman's built for fucking.

Starting point is 00:29:59 He looks like he's fucking diesel. Yeah. You see the six pack. Love it. Hot. Yeah. And Superman also. He looks like a ballet dancer.

Starting point is 00:30:07 Yeah. He's wearing a fucking leotard and a cape. It's super gay. It's not hot. Go ahead and bring up Superman. Like, he looks, he dresses like a little boy. It's not. Who's the latest Superman?

Starting point is 00:30:17 I haven't made a Superman movie in years. See, like, Henry Cavill. This guy's gorgeous. Harry Cavill. Yeah. Holy shit. You want to see perfect? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:28 Henry Cavill. He played and he was like. You're saying it wrong. Cavill. Henry Cavill. Yeah. Henry Cavill. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:36 He played what? He was in one of my English dramas that I love. Yeah. Yeah. I mean this guy's face. Yeah. His body. He's jacked.

Starting point is 00:30:47 Perfection. Yeah. Yeah. This guy could bang me. I'd take it all back. There you go. Forget about if this guy's Superman. This is every woman's current.

Starting point is 00:30:55 The guy's perfect. Yeah. And you know what I like about him? What? Is that he can give it to you and then he'll do push-ups. And he's like, he's not American. He's English. Wait, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:31:06 He can give it to you and then do push-ups? Yeah. Like, he'll be like, how many, first of all, he's British. He'll be like, how many push-ups do you think I could do, mate? And I'll be like, I don't know, Henry. Why don't you tell me? I'll do this then. And then he plunks down naked and then you just watch him do push-ups.

Starting point is 00:31:19 That's probably. He's that guy. I'd watch him do push-ups naked. I know. Yeah. And you're like, do 10 more. Okay. And then he does them.

Starting point is 00:31:27 Is he Aussie now? Shit. Did I do that? Yeah, you kind of did. Sorry, I fell out of it. Oh yeah. Let's see, Henry. Let's see.

Starting point is 00:31:35 Cavill. Cavill. Okay. Yeah. What a pig. Yeah. This guy. This guy.

Starting point is 00:31:43 A loser. Am I right? Yeah. He's kind of perfect. What's this guy's life like? Just fitness. Jesus Christ. That is true.

Starting point is 00:31:51 It has got to be like a lot of things. That's all he's doing is working out. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the face? He's got that classic movie star. Yeah. Movie star look.

Starting point is 00:32:00 Like, wow. You think, look at her. She's resting her hand. She's like, hold on. Let me hold on to your abs. Right? I'm going to blow away. Do you think he fucks though?

Starting point is 00:32:09 In real life? That's the thing is I've actually, I've never been with a guy that looks like Oh no. It's ritual. Besides you. I could answer it. He fucks a lot. Oh no.

Starting point is 00:32:20 I thought, I'm sorry. I thought you meant does he fuck well? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Because I don't know. I've never been with like that guy. Well, here's what's nice. Look.

Starting point is 00:32:28 Hit the picture below to the right there. Jesus Christ. He's not even real. That might, that means that between, between shooting things, he takes it easy and lives life. Yeah. A little bit, right? Like he's probably on vacation.

Starting point is 00:32:40 Yeah. He's not as jacked there. And then they're like, hey, the movie starts in three months. And he's like, fuck. Cause I heard that about Matt Damon, right? That like, he's like between movies, like when he's got a break, he's like, I eat, fuck. And then they're like, Hey man, this movie's coming up and he's like, fuck. And he just like starts to die.

Starting point is 00:33:01 Well, that's why Kelly Rippa eats one chocolate covered almond a day because she has to stay TV ready. She said every, every day. Henry Kelly dehydrates himself, burn those scenes. Yeah. Now, is he married or do you think he's gay? Fuck no, he's not married. This guy is out crushing box all day.

Starting point is 00:33:22 Yeah. You never hear any gossip about him. That's true. Why? Oh, is he? Idiot. Wait. That's just a picture of him with someone that doesn't mean that that's, is he, is

Starting point is 00:33:39 he gay? I hope he's straight. I hate when they're gays and you're like, Yeah, that face is something, man. Yeah. I want him pretend that he's one day like when you die, I'll go to Britain. British English born channel resides in South in London. He was engaged. They call, oh, that was years ago.

Starting point is 00:33:59 Alan Whitaker. He started practicing jiu-jitsu. He's been an avid PC gamer. Oh, that's a turn off for me. I don't want that at all. Yeah. Like when you play video games like a kid. He has also named the total worst and okay, there's nothing else about women there.

Starting point is 00:34:17 See, he keeps a very tight lid on his personal life. Smart. Yeah. He's a profess. That means. That means he's gay. Oh, he's dating Natalie Viscoso. I don't know who that is.

Starting point is 00:34:28 Who is that? Do we know? I'm sure she's hot. And I bet she's a pig. Is that her right there? Oh my God. Damn. How old is she?

Starting point is 00:34:36 Uh-oh. Uh-oh. This might be the downfall of Henry Cable. Maybe he's into. Let's see. Young, young chicks, dude. Yeah. That's all right.

Starting point is 00:34:44 Just there's a fucking limit, but you can have young chicks. 32. Okay. That's fine. She's just got back. Let's see. I'm sure she's hot. Ah, and I bet she's a pig.

Starting point is 00:34:55 Is that her right there? Oh my God. Damn. How old is she? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. She's just got that filter on. Let's see.

Starting point is 00:35:03 Is she an actress? This is American TV personality. Oh. Like a host or something? Something like that. Damn. More like a dick. Pull up an image of her.

Starting point is 00:35:14 All right. Another one. Sorry. Let's see what she, uh, this young lady looks like. Want to see what Henry. Yeah. Let's see what good looking people. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:23 These two fit together. Oh my God. Oh. She's very pretty. I like the Zoey, Zoey Kravitz. These two make a baby. Yeah. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:35:33 Could you imagine? It is rare though, where you see an attractive woman and you're like, yeah, but he's fucking even hotter. I know. Like. You know what I mean? You're like, you're like, this guy's fucking. I know.

Starting point is 00:35:45 I tell you, in my, in my recent memory, the only couple I could see as totally equal was Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt. Oh, right. I'm sorry. Your best friend, your BFF. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:57 I'm trying to think of equal. You know where I, who I met in person, who's also like striking handsome, it's because you don't actually meet men and I'm not saying there's obviously there's millions of good looking men. I'm saying where you're like, Jesus Christ, man. I met John Hamm. Oh, yeah. In person.

Starting point is 00:36:12 He is like, he's like a striking good looking guy. You know, like he has like leading man looks where you're like, wow, kind of like makes you step back. You know? Yeah. Like him. Yeah. He's very masculine.

Starting point is 00:36:25 Yeah. Can I tell you something? What? Doesn't do it for me. I'm sure he's devastated. He doesn't. Do you think he's watching this right now? He's so bummed.

Starting point is 00:36:37 He's like, what? God. Christine's not into me. I don't know what it is though. I find him too American generic. I think that's what it is. Is that a real article that says ordered to wear underwear? Is that for real?

Starting point is 00:36:56 That's hilarious. Ordered to wear. I mean, this is probably an old article, but is that, it's from 2013, it's years ago. According to reports, the actor who plays on apparently a fan of going commando, but madman bosses have asked him to put an underwear to remain true to how, oh, men dressed in the 60s. Okay. That's hilarious.

Starting point is 00:37:21 If they're like, dude, come on. Put your dick away. Put your dick away. Wardrobe is demanding. Well, that's like Burt. He doesn't wear any, right? Isn't he always denim rubbing on his dog? That can't be good.

Starting point is 00:37:33 He also was like, I'm naked on the bus a lot and like, I just like do it and like, you know, nobody cares. I'm like, you've asked people. He's like, no. I'm like, you are their boss, you know, he's like, oh, I'm like, yeah, you can't just be like naked around employees, right? He's like, oh, I mean, I was like, do you force them to see you? He's like, I guess.

Starting point is 00:37:58 I guess. I'm like, yeah, you probably shouldn't do that. He's like, all right, let's talk about something else. Can I take a picture real quick? Yeah, sure. I gotta go pee-pee. Okay. I'll be right back.

Starting point is 00:38:10 And we're back. Let's fucking lick that pussy to pieces. All right. What are you thinking about, Henry Cavill? God. I wonder if he's good at it. Doesn't even have to be. Right.

Starting point is 00:38:22 Just look at him. I don't care. You think so? I would just look at him. I'd be like, just sit there. Just sit there? I mean, he's just like... It's super human.

Starting point is 00:38:31 It's not normal to be that attractive. I know. There's like nothing wrong with him at all, physically, I mean. Yeah. Who knows emotionally what mess that is, but I don't know. Yeah. It's a lot. It's, um...

Starting point is 00:38:44 Yeah. Right? Let's let her go, Robbie. At the end of the day. At the end of the day. You wouldn't... Let's be real here. You wouldn't be like, oh my God.

Starting point is 00:38:53 I don't know. I don't think so. Um... Geez. Well, I don't think so with her as the example. Oh, she doesn't... No, I think she's very attractive. Right.

Starting point is 00:39:02 But like, I do understand what you're saying when you go like this person's like too much. Too attractive. I think he's a good example for a man. I think there's a different example for a woman probably. Who's too attractive? That's what I'm trying to think. It's got to be like somebody that looks like they're spit out of a machine with their level of attraction, you know?

Starting point is 00:39:19 Yeah. I mean, they used to be like... I'm trying to think back in the day, like there were like supermodels like that where you'd be like... Well... Jesus. Now everybody's a model and now there's down syndrome models. So are you counting the down syndrome model too?

Starting point is 00:39:33 Yeah. And you're being inclusive, right? No, she doesn't do anything for me. Pam Anderson. No, she's kind of trashy, but I liked her. I wish I could look like her. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:50 You know who over there on the right? I feel like... Is it Linda Evangelista? Loved Linda. Right? Oh, I love Linda. Like in person, I bet you're probably like, whoa. Stunning.

Starting point is 00:40:01 Christy Turlington. In person too. I'm sure. Linda Evangelista and Christy Turlington in the 90s, I would probably feel like what you're describing. I know somebody today to know who is like that, but I think back then I would have been like... I know because now models are whatever you want them to be, they're not super. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:20 They're... She's had like a big thing, now she had a bad plastic surgery, but... Yeah, poor woman. Yeah, that face, I'm sure in person, it just... Gorgeous. No, she's the fullest. You'd be like, um... Stunning.

Starting point is 00:40:32 Hello. Yeah. That would probably be a thing. And Christy Turlington... Christy Turlington is, I think, still looks like that. Christy still does. Which is really crazy, because she has like such a unique, like, you know, I mean, that's that woman is like, I don't know, 50s or something, right?

Starting point is 00:40:52 Yeah. But her, at the height of her modeling fame, good God, yeah. Which just goes to show this is genetic gift, I mean, yeah, they have minimal work done, they're smart, but that's it, that's her gift. Yeah, yeah. So would you like me to do some follow-ups? Follow-ups, sure, yeah, sure. So many things to get into, so many, so many topics.

Starting point is 00:41:19 Would you like to hear about Public Pools, the babbling Irish man? I mean, just pick one. Margaritaville, is there anything that... I mean, that's just, I'm just trying to go with where you want to go. Oh, okay. What do you got first? Okay, I'm a psych student studying to be a clinical psychologist, and I've always been fascinated by the fabled Kalarney babbler.

Starting point is 00:41:41 Yeah. Recently in class, we learned of a brain disorder that affects long-term alcoholics. No, I'm not a psych student there, the good man. And my mommy, Tingle, instantly notified me that this unintelligible Irish geezer was exactly what my professor was describing. Vernike Korsakov syndrome is caused when excessive drinking prevents the body from uptaking thiamine, an essential nutrient for brain health. This disorder affects several areas of the brain and results in confusion, loss of coordination,

Starting point is 00:42:11 unintelligible speech, and exaggerated storytelling. Boy, do I have the perfect cool guy to write my next paper on. Yeah, Bert. Check it. Tell me again, do you want to inject it? Okay. I love how they cite that the drinking also leads to exaggeration in stories, just like what Bert is known for.

Starting point is 00:42:32 Distorted sense of reality. Margaritaville. Hi, Hitlers. There's actually a worse fate than having to drink at Margaritaville. Not only are there resorts, there are retirement communities centered on a lifestyle. The New Yorker did an article on it. When you reach 55, you're eligible to retire in latitude Margaritaville in Daytona. Can't wait.

Starting point is 00:42:57 You guys are the best. Chad can go fuck himself. Oh my. Oh my goodness. Geez. Wow. Team Chris there. Okay.

Starting point is 00:43:05 This is 55 and you can retire in Margaritaville big. Yeah. It's pretty amazing. Yeah. What a nightmare. God, it sounds like we know where Bert's going to be though. Oh yeah. Should we buy him a plot or whatever it is already?

Starting point is 00:43:20 He'll probably just get a house. He's too successful. He'll get like a house next door to it. Just like wander over. Yeah. What a nightmare. Yeah. So high functioning for having that disease.

Starting point is 00:43:33 Yes. This is in relation to your hostage situation that you brought up. The four layers. Yes. Yes. Would you like to recap for the listeners? Well, if you missed it, there's a very real possibility that if you're in the Ukraine right now, you could be kept held hostage somewhere in a building and if you want to

Starting point is 00:43:56 graduate out of the release of the building, you have to have anal sex with seven men who have progressively larger penises. You can choose whichever order you want to receive those penises in, small to big, big to small, mix it up, variety pack. Then you go to the second floor where there's seven women that are various levels of attraction. That's model. Yeah. So you have some really undesirables up to like a supermodel and you have to make them

Starting point is 00:44:25 all bagac with either your mouth or your tongue. And then you go to a Chili's restaurant. That's on the third floor. I like that Chili's is the third stage. And you get to kind of rehydrate and replenish yourself, fuel up. With some poppers. Yep. And there's also like some really nice people, good staff, social environment, really well

Starting point is 00:44:46 trained and you can have multiple meals there while you recuperate. And then you go to the fourth floor that has 60 of the 75 greatest players in NBA history and you have to make them all ejaculate with your, give them blowjobs, give them blowjobs. And that's everybody from like Krimberdool, Jabbar, Michael Jordan, Jerry West, LeBron, like so on and so forth, 15 are dead and you don't have to do it to them. But the 60 that are alive, you have to do it too. My goodness. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:17 It's a lot. And then you get released, which is cool. And then you get released from being a hell of a hostage. Yeah. But you're severely traumatized and you're full of Chili's. Yeah. Yeah. So this person, and this is an interesting point, Tom.

Starting point is 00:45:31 What's going on? Reference and email. Okay. Oh, oh, I got it. Oh, I didn't realize I had photos here. So you can, oh, this is the final layer stage for stage four here. And yeah, you can also, you can imagine that stage three is pretty cool. And that's Chili's.

Starting point is 00:45:47 Yeah. And this is really interesting. This listener writing in really, really hit on something I too was thinking about. Been doing a lot of thinking about Tom's four stages of freedom. And I've come to the conclusion, I'm living in the Chili's for the rest of my life. Yeah, you don't have to leave. Yeah. And he writes, I don't think this option was examined enough on the segment.

Starting point is 00:46:12 And I tend, I agree. Looking back, I thought, gosh, we never explored Chili's. Well, here's his further dissertation. You know, number one, you never have to worry about money ever again. You've got your lodging, your food, et cetera. You're sleeping in the Chili's though. Well, this is, so this would be my problem is sleeping on the booth. It's not that comfortable.

Starting point is 00:46:30 It's not ideal. But you'd adapt. You would. Probably. You get, it's like a. You probably find a booth that had like the right fit for you and you could curl up on it. Well, I have a question.

Starting point is 00:46:43 Yeah. I would rather two booths to create one big, big bed. After hours. Sure. After hours. Yeah. And then I'd have to restore. In the morning, they're going to be like, just put everything back.

Starting point is 00:46:56 Can I have one booth all to myself, like my home? Like I put my toiletries under the table. I don't think so. Do my makeup? No. I mean, this is a Chili's as popular as people in and out. What about in the bathroom? May I set up a vanity for myself?

Starting point is 00:47:10 Like maybe a toothbrush. I mean. Where do I keep my toothbrush and stuff? Yeah. You're going to have to get like a locker probably with the staff. That's fine. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:47:20 But I mean, customers always take priority. You know what I mean? So I don't have to be. Shifting around. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's not like, you know, they still want you to go to the fourth floor, you know? But the good thing is like, you know, when the traffic is coming into Chili's, right?

Starting point is 00:47:36 Like you probably have your lunch. It probably opens for lunch. Right. There's no breakfast at Chili's. So you've got your lunch crowd. You've got your early dinner rush and then you've got the late dinner rush. Yeah. So like in between those times, I could probably get some relaxation in.

Starting point is 00:47:49 I could take over a booth, do some writing, you know? Yeah. Okay. Number two, there are other people there. So you have human interaction, hanging with the bros at the bar, making lifelong friends. It's no more to redevelop, but I'll take it. I might even be able to pick a babe up at the bar and get laid in a Chili's bathroom. Just in case scenario, you J your D in the bathroom.

Starting point is 00:48:13 Yeah. But you're staying there forever. Forever, I'm just saying. Like so you have to find a way to have to do that. You have to decide whether it's worth staying in Chili's forever or all you got to do is blow 60 guys and you go home. Yeah. I would, I would still blow.

Starting point is 00:48:31 Like this guy is making a good argument, but it's not compelling enough to keep me at Chili's for the rest of my life. Now I got to tell you, that fourth floor is hell. I mean, that is a lot of work and it's, it's, it's ungrateful to they, I mean, they're superstars. Yeah. They're Hall of Famers. They're not going to be like, really, you know, thank you so no, they're going to be

Starting point is 00:48:52 punishing. They're going to be like, you ain't shit like how they get talked to by their coaches and stuff. They're just demolish my mouth and you're going to need like major dental surgery and work when it's done. And then I have to use my mouth. I can't just offer up my, no, which would be way easier just to give them my now and be like, dude, yeah, I just finished, I take some fentanyl and just check out.

Starting point is 00:49:17 Nope. I can't have to do it sober. What if I can do sober, but it's mouth only. You can't use your mouth. That's why it's really. So if I get, I'll get hammered. Here's what I'll do then. I'll get fucking ripped at Chili's like ripped, faded back out and then do all 60 just bang

Starting point is 00:49:32 back. Can I tell you what I think would be the worst part of level four? You get to like your 47th thick and you're like, I think I'm done. You're like, I can't do 13 more of these, you know, and like in the 13 that are left are all like the senior citizens and they're like, and they just kind of look at you and you're like, there's no way. I can't choose the order. I can't.

Starting point is 00:49:57 Oh yeah, you can. I'm saying in that, in that scenario, I was just, I was just imagining you'd left the old guys last and you're like, fuck. Hold on. Do I have to swallow all of their loads? No, no, but well, this is way easier. Okay. They do finish in your mouth.

Starting point is 00:50:16 That's fine. Yeah. Here's the thing though. And here's the good news, Tom, because you don't know this because you don't give beaches. Your mouth gets numb after a while and after a guy number five won't even feel anything or taste anything. I'm telling you with the size of these days, it's gonna be numb real quick. Number three, you're going to be like, ah, okay.

Starting point is 00:50:40 Number three, this guy, this is the best. It's one of the best chain restaurants with a large menu. Also they have TVs too for entertainment, ESPN, sporting events, et cetera, could even ask the bartender to change the channel here and there. I don't have to get skull fucked by 60 of the greatest NBA players ever. No brainer. Keep feathering it, Bobby. Bobby, it's a really good point, but I'd like to remind you, this isn't a long weekend.

Starting point is 00:51:07 We're talking about the end of your life is at Chili's. I'd rather go home. Can I have visitors? Can my family visit me at Chili's? At Chili's? Can you and the kids come by? Can we have breakfast, lunch, and dinner together as a family? I have to be alone at Chili's?

Starting point is 00:51:26 Yeah, I think so. No! You're a hostage. You don't have fucking visitation, right? We're all just waiting on the other side of this booth being like, can you just blow those 60 guys? Mommy, just blow the guys! Yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:47 Yeah. Why is mommy not coming home? Everybody misses you. Mom hasn't blown all 60 in the NBA games. Yeah, mom won't do any work, so once mommy decides to go to work, she'll come home. I think it's my fault. I'm so selfish, lazy bitch. This is a follow-up.

Starting point is 00:52:07 You should have talked on a recent episode with a woman with shark teeth. Yeah. This is a genetic condition called hyperdonchia. It is evidently recessive. My sister and father had it. I did not. My daughter did. She had four sets of the front four upper teeth.

Starting point is 00:52:31 She required multiple oral surgeries at braces for about seven years. My sister had one surgery and somehow her adult teeth came in perfectly. She is now 55 and does not have one single filling or cavity. The poor woman should have had dental care as a kid when her adult teeth started coming in. Many of the extra teeth are misshapen. Keep them high and tight and I'm coming up in May. What's it called again?

Starting point is 00:52:55 Hyperdonchia. Hyperdonchia. Donchia. I'm guessing like orthodontist. Hyperorthodontist. Wow. Yeah, I'd never. I mean, that is wild.

Starting point is 00:53:06 It's like just so many extra teeth. So many extra teeth. I've never seen anything like it. Dang. Look at all those chops. Yikes. That's got to be real painful to get rid of, too. Poor kid.

Starting point is 00:53:20 Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. Fuck. That teeth. Come on. Guys, let's get serious for a moment, okay? Okay.

Starting point is 00:53:30 Please. Hey, everybody. Gorthbrox. Entrush of year one. And we're proud to say we stand with Ukraine, especially the refugees. There's a global initiative and of course supplies and aid is already spread then and this is where you come in. We need your help.

Starting point is 00:53:44 We need you to donate. Yeah. I mean, we always ask for love and prayers. Please keep doing that. We're also going to ask you, dig in your pockets, be part of the greatest global relief plan mankind has ever seen. Everybody deserves dignity. Everybody deserves a roof over their head to feel safe.

Starting point is 00:54:01 You can be a part of that. Yeah. Amen. So join us, won't you? Stand up for love. Stand up for mankind. Stand up for Ukraine. What was that thing at the end there?

Starting point is 00:54:12 What was that? She goes, stand up for her. And he goes, hahahaha. Yeah. It's like almost they were like, show emotion. That was so weird. That was weird. Weird as fuck.

Starting point is 00:54:22 And like also, you know what he could do? One big ass stadium show. Yeah. Donate that. And donate all of it instead of asking your fans to give more money. By the way, put me on a restriction again. Yeah. Go to Instagram.

Starting point is 00:54:38 I'll show you. You did? Yeah. The nerve of this guy. I mean, at least that so they sometimes they make it. I don't know how it all works. But there are. So there's a restriction where you can't see any activity and there's a restriction where nobody else can.

Starting point is 00:54:55 If you go to like see that AT&T one there in the middle. Cause like I see different things from mine. Okay. Let's see if I commented here. Destroyed. Different. Different. Nothing there.

Starting point is 00:55:08 No. Not from you. No. G is a queen above 18. Show me that you like me. Yeah. Great comments. I stare at Ukraine.

Starting point is 00:55:18 Babe, can we say it together at the same time too? Like they do. He said, first of all, especially the refugees, like no shit. Who else would we be talking about? I know. It's so bizarre. Fucking weirdo. That was so bizarre.

Starting point is 00:55:33 He really, really forces this authenticity crap. We always love your thoughts and prayers. They're always welcome to thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Keep, keep doing those you guys. Shut up. Yeah. I commented and I got to comment on like a post a few minutes later and then I went back to it later and there was, it was up, but there was zero likes.

Starting point is 00:55:55 I was like, oh, he put me on, he put me in jail again. Yeah. You're in Garth Brooks jail. Yeah. Cause I was like. So, so that's like a polite way of doing it. So you get to see your comment, but nobody else. Right.

Starting point is 00:56:14 That's a type of restriction. I don't know what it is. When does he just ban you all together? That's very aggressive. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. Does this mean we have to go back to Facebook now?

Starting point is 00:56:24 No, it means that this Instagram campaign is going to heat up is what it means. I remember when I comment was too. It was, let's say there were, there was a camera and let's say it was on the other side of the fence. Would you touch it? They helped Ukraine. And he, yeah, he, he fucking, did somebody write, I hate Ukraine. Is that what I saw?

Starting point is 00:56:55 Oh, much love. No. Hey, okay. Wait, can you, can we watch this again? I have to see it. It's weird as fuck. It's so weird. And like we, first of all, when people are like, I'm Garth Brooks.

Starting point is 00:57:06 I'm Trisha Yearwood. Yeah. No shit Sherlock. We're on your fucking page. We know who you are. He goes, he goes, God, especially the refugees. And then at the end she was like, Stan, he made, he goes, like the, his reaction didn't make sense.

Starting point is 00:57:21 Not everybody. Garth Brooks. And Trisha Yearwood. And we're proud to say we stand with Ukraine. Oh my God. Especially the refugees. There's a global initiative. And of course supplies and aid is already spread then.

Starting point is 00:57:33 And this is where you come in. We need your help. We need you to donate. Yeah. I mean, we always ask for love and prayers. Yeah. Please keep doing that. Keep those up.

Starting point is 00:57:41 We're also going to ask you, dig in your pockets, be part of the greatest global relief plan mankind has ever seen. Everybody deserves dignity. Everybody deserves a roof over their head to feel safe. You can be a part of that. Yeah. Amen. So join us.

Starting point is 00:57:56 Amen. Stand up for mankind. Stand up for Ukraine. Yeah. What was that? Stand up for mankind. Stand up for Ukraine. What?

Starting point is 00:58:04 That is so weird. It is. And here's the thing. So Trisha, she seems very authentic and rooted and grounded. And then he's totally performing the part of an authentic person. It's so weird. It is like performing the part. It is.

Starting point is 00:58:12 Yeah. I think too that, I think part of what goes on in his head is if somebody is doing something like that sincerely, he's like, I have to be more than that. More sincerely. So like if somebody is like, we're standing up, you know, we're raising funds for the Ukraine. He's like, well, that, that seems here. So how do you do, how do you do that more?

Starting point is 00:58:42 How do you deliver that person's message, but be, let people know you care more than the person that just said, let's raise funds for the Ukraine. You know? So he, then he's like, it's so weird. Like deep. Well, and when she's talking, you know, I feel bad for the babies. Oh God, stop it. And when she's talking, he has to look at her and do the whole, oh, it's so fucking.

Starting point is 00:59:10 It's a performance. Yeah. Yeah. She does it like a person and he does it like a robot, like a programmed robot. And again, like if you really give a shit for these Ukrainian refugees, guess what? One show will donate or, or we did a shirt, donate all the money, like do something. Yeah. Don't just ask people to give you money as well.

Starting point is 00:59:34 You can do it. I don't know. It seems weird. You can donate. You can donate too. He's how many Gajelians? Yeah. Hundreds, hundreds of millions.

Starting point is 00:59:43 Multiple hundreds. Yeah. Come on, dude. Yeah. You're right. But do a big ass stadium show for it. Do one big ass stadium show. One big ass show for the Ukraine.

Starting point is 00:59:51 For the refugees. Yeah. Do this heartbroken. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I got friends. I got friends in Ukraine, especially the refugees. Yeah. Babies on fire.

Starting point is 01:00:07 Look at that. Look at that net worth. What is it? 400 big ones. Yeah. Yeah. You, you, you could give up some of your 400 million. Sure.

Starting point is 01:00:15 Maybe. Why not? Maybe. But you could also send those thoughts and prayers. Yeah. Those mean a lot too. Oh, God. You know, I live in Kiev and Garth Brooks didn't send money, but I felt his prayer.

Starting point is 01:00:35 Thank you, Garth. You saved my life with your thoughts. My grandmother's building is bombed, but thank you, Garth. Don't restrict me, fuckface. Why isn't he writing a song for Kiev and for Ukraine? That's what I'm waiting for is the Garth song. Praying super hard right now. I don't have time for that.

Starting point is 01:01:03 Yeah. Oh boy. Oh boy. Hey, I have a YMH exclusive. Oh, hold on. Let me fucking get everything ready to go here. This is a YMH exclusive. Exclusive.

Starting point is 01:01:22 Exclusive. Exclusive. Okay. So last week I went to get my tits squished to get a mammogram, you know, because they put your titty in a plastic vise and then they squish it like a pancake. Can I ask you real quick, is it hot when that happens? Like, is it a turn on? Is it like Henry Cavill is there?

Starting point is 01:01:37 I wish Henry Cavill did my breast exam. You did? That would be so much better. Yeah. I go twice a year. You'd be like, hey, why are your fingers in my panties? I thought I was putting my tits on. No, I was like, I think we should X-ray my vagina.

Starting point is 01:01:54 Oh, yeah. Nice. And he's like, yeah, that was so cool. So I was getting my mammogram and I made friends with the lady that does it and she's like, I've been doing this for 20 years. I go, you have. Are my big, sloppy tits the biggest that you've ever seen? And she goes, oh my no, oh heavens, no.

Starting point is 01:02:19 She goes, girl, you're on the smaller end compared to what I've seen. I go, what are you talking about? She goes, so there's like a plate, right? Like you put your titty on the plate and she goes, I've smushed, I've smushed breast. That's what I say. I've been, I've examined women whose breast takes up the entire surface of this plastic plate. And she's like, usually it's the older women, the 80 year olds and or really obese women,

Starting point is 01:02:44 like really fat cells come in with their big cells. Well, you've seen women in public whose tits look like fucking boulders, right? Yeah. Big, big ladies, real big ones. Yeah. So, so mine took up like a normal amount of that area that's smushed the film plate. She's like, they cover the, I've had it to where she goes, I have to do it in sections. I can only do a quarter of the breast at a time.

Starting point is 01:03:06 What? You're like tiny compared to the tits I've seen. Is there like a, is there like, do they kiss, like do they kiss, you want to know what that means? I wish. I wish. See, would they give you this stupid robe that's this gown that's open and then the lady comes and she scoops your boob, puts it on the plate and I was like, why am I wearing

Starting point is 01:03:24 this robe? Like what false modesty and I just took it all off because I'm like, oh, to cover the one tit that's not in the, I'm like, grow up, be an adult. I'm like, you've seen tits all day. This is nothing. They, they lick it or anything? She didn't even, she did give it a lick. I thought that was weird.

Starting point is 01:03:42 She's like, I want to see these perky. And I'm like, okay. She's like, this is my preference. This is mandatory for all titties, right? Yeah. I want you to get to a certain age. Yeah. You got to do it.

Starting point is 01:03:52 They're like, we're going to suck on your tits while you're here. That'd be great. Yeah. Nice. Free tits sucks while you wait. Yeah. No, and nobody's hot in there and it's kind of a bummer. That's too bad.

Starting point is 01:04:04 I can tell you this. When I had my colonoscopy and when I have my testicles examined by a physician, it is fucking hard dick city. Really? Yeah. What part do you like the best? Just the way they touch you and then like, usually it just, they end up taking their dick out and like it's pretty cool.

Starting point is 01:04:24 Cool. Yeah. Super cool. Yeah. It's a very sexual thing. Bet. Yeah. Especially the colonoscopy.

Starting point is 01:04:32 Oh, the colonoscopy, they're like, we're going to put you out and we're going to do what we want with you. And you're like, whatever. Yeah. Pass out. You wake up. This is kind of lube. Is there a lube in your beehive when you wake up?

Starting point is 01:04:42 Yeah. They clean you up. Do you fart it out? All day? You don't fart out the lube. You fart out air. A lot of air. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:50 Yeah. You have some good farts usually. I would rather die of colon cancer than have that done to me every year. I don't think you would. I think you want to rethink that statement. Nope. Still, I still stand by. Okay.

Starting point is 01:04:59 Ukraine. All right. I hate all this stuff. They torture you. It's terrible. Yeah. I guess what I'm going to do. So like two years ago, I wrote this one short film that I wanted to make and I was kind

Starting point is 01:05:22 of gearing up for it and there's always, you know, you can always find a reason to not do something. You know what I mean? Well, it's, I got to make sure I got these actors and the location. I don't know. You know, and you kind of put it off. Then like a little bit of time goes by and then you kind of think about it again, maybe I'll do this other one.

Starting point is 01:05:42 I wrote another one that I wanted to do and then I was kind of gearing up to do it in 2020 when the Pandy hit and it was like, you know, you couldn't do anything. And I started and I wrote another one and these are things that, you know, they're like just stories that I've always, you know, I liked writing these, these shorts. So I call up my friend, Rami, we're talking about maybe doing one. And then I got the idea. I go, look, I have this, this window of time during this tour that's very, it's very limited. And instead of shooting one, we're shooting all three.

Starting point is 01:06:20 And the idea will be that we will make this be like my own episode of television. That's nice. That I have no notes on. It's exactly what I want to make. And I can't announce the cast yet, but I have like some real talent in this thing. It's exciting. Yeah. Good for you.

Starting point is 01:06:44 So paying for it myself, flying out there, good, shooting it. I don't know where it'll end up. It, you know, it could end up on the YMH Studios thing. It would be like a whole day, like premiere for us could end up somewhere else, but we're doing it. It's amazing. Yeah. You know, I think what we've learned through the Pandy and doing this show and podcasting

Starting point is 01:07:07 in general is that notes suck. You don't realize that. Do what you, yeah. When you get hired by a network or you're on television, you're so restricted in what you can say and do and how you can act and what you can say when you're not filming the show even on. Do you know how many notes of value I've received over the years? I mean, honestly, I'm talking about collectively stand up, television, screenwriting and book

Starting point is 01:07:34 writing. I would say I got really good notes from my publisher who I wrote the book with, Suzanne O'Neill. She, she actually, I would read her notes and be like, these are fucking good notes. And that's a crazy feeling to have. In television, you know, the multiple pilots and things I've been a part of, I've probably thought that one out of like eight of them were good, like regularly good notes, screenwriting, pretty much the same.

Starting point is 01:08:02 And in stand up, it's very rare to get notes like most people's notes are horrible. Because most people, if they don't do stand up, you know, you don't even respect their notes. No, I don't listen to anyone. I'm like, do you do stand up? And they're like, no, I'm like, oh, why don't you eat my fucking asshole? Because you've no idea. You have no idea what you're talking about.

Starting point is 01:08:25 And you suck and you're a talentless pile of shit telling me what to do. I know. Well, the reason notes suck from television networks is because they're selling advertisements. Yeah, of course. And also those people, not only that, those people aren't creatives. Like the best notes you'll get for television writing is from another writer, somebody who writes. Right.

Starting point is 01:08:48 So I'm saying that the notes often come from the executives who are in the business of selling ads. Yeah. So when they look at you on your creative project, they go, oh, it's the Tommy and Christina show. Yeah. Well, we need to sell ads from General Electric, from whatever, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh companies. And we can't have them saying these certain things because that'll turn off buyers.

Starting point is 01:09:08 Yeah. Hands down. It's terrible. That's why sitcoms are terrible. It's so bad. I mean, the idea that anyone now would watch a sitcom, I'm like, what's going on with you? I know.

Starting point is 01:09:20 The best stand-up notes I've ever received were from stand-up comics, for sure. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Because it's a pure form. Stand-up comedy is one of the, and podcasting now, is the last pure form of entertainment where no one can fucking tell you, actually, I had one legal note in my special, one legal note. I had to change the influxion on a joke.

Starting point is 01:09:44 I'm not going to go into what it was about, but that was the one legal note. And they're like, you talk about your children. We need to have them sign release forms so that they don't sue you. And I was like, I was like, well, hold on a second. I'm their guardian, so I'm going to sign the form for them saying that they're not going to sue me. How does this make any kind of sense? I won't even hold up in court if they want to sue me a million years later.

Starting point is 01:10:10 Whatever. The notes you get on the funniest ones I ever got was when I did Comedy Central Presents. I don't know if you remember. They gave you notes on that? They didn't give me notes. They gave me the legal, what's it called? There's a department. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:10:27 I forget what it's called. Yeah, yeah. They have to clear your interest. Standards and practices? Yes. And they were like, you cannot, and it was like, it's all, it's very matter of fact. That's the funniest part. It's more a joke about how Indian people smell.

Starting point is 01:10:41 It's like, this is not permissible because it implies that they are not, like it was like a reasoning for it. They're like, the Puerto Rican stabbing is fine, and it was like, do not say this. And then it would like, it would like type out racial slurs, like these words are fine. You can't say this, but you can say this. Yeah. Yeah, because there's a, I've never done late night stand-up sets on late night television for this exact reason is that you go through rounds and rounds and rounds of notes.

Starting point is 01:11:17 And I was like, I just don't care enough to change the act. Oh my God, those, I mean, it actually, here's the thing, it is very annoying, but it makes you respect the people who have that skill set of doing like tons of late night spots. It's a totally different muscle. It's a skill set. You know, who's done a bunch of them, like Chad Daniels, Tommy Johnigan, I think they've really done like, like, you know, there's a bunch of comics I'm leaving out, but like do it, like they can just nail that and like, and shape it.

Starting point is 01:11:49 And it's like a killer set. And you see it. It's not my skill set. I'm terrible. It's short. Short TV. Well, you get also, you get accustomed to doing these long sets where you establish kind of everything.

Starting point is 01:12:01 Yeah. And tone. That's why it's like, that's where like the best, like the people who like our joke slingers like really shine is in those five, seven minute sets. It's impressive. Yes, it is. My dream. Well, that's exciting.

Starting point is 01:12:15 I can't wait to see it because I know you've been. I am so excited. I mean, I'm investing a ton in it. It's a huge undertaking. It's like, essentially, we're shooting, feels like a movie, you know, but we're doing it in a really short period of time. But it's like, I mean, the team I have together is nuts. It's gonna be great.

Starting point is 01:12:30 We have people that work like the Marvel people doing great prosthetic stuff. I mean, I got like, but see, this is what television or entertainment should be where you you let talented people, creative people do what they want. Let the creatives do it. I know. It's like how it's been. It's been such a struggle with with traditional television for years for creative people. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:54 Because it's all these handbindings of like, we have to sell ads and what if we offend people? We're going to lose the. Stop it. Stop making buttered noodles for people. And I should point something out. It's possible because of you, like because true. You guys are the ones that actually make this possible because you guys have been so supportive

Starting point is 01:13:12 of what we do, that it's an encouragement to take this risk. It's a risk, you know, it's like a it's a shot. You're going like, I'm going to try to make this thing that hopefully people respond to. You don't know people who are going to respond to it, but like, you're only able to take those shots because you have the support of like a fan base around you. So I'm super grateful of it. Thank God for the interwebs. It really changed everything.

Starting point is 01:13:34 It did. It really desuccified entertainment. And it's put, you know, it's put these twats, these fucking jackoff executives who thought they were like, I'll, I'll tell people what they get to do. Now you see people just doing what they want. This is an example of it. You see it with specials, right? Where like people, you know, we have to beg to get a special.

Starting point is 01:13:57 And then now you see people that go, oh, I shot my special and it's on YouTube. And that's actually a brilliant move because then the fan base evolves from that. Yeah. And also asking permission, but that's the, that's like the butter noodles approach. This is why radio sucked so bad. It's called butter noodles. Everybody will eat them. Nobody really loves maybe one or two guys love eating butter noodles, but everybody will

Starting point is 01:14:20 eat it. It's okay. Yeah. Everybody. You don't have to make bland awful shit that you kind of like, not really. Oh yeah. You can go specific. How many people do you need to like your stuff to have a great living?

Starting point is 01:14:33 It doesn't have to be that many. And like speaking of radio too, yeah, it's not that many. Right. It's not that many. 2000 people need to like your shit and you can sell to them and that's it. So many radio shows that collapse because they also did, they just listened to the ad reps going like, no, you know, here's the thing though. No zone needs to run their ad on this thing.

Starting point is 01:14:56 So therefore make sure you don't make a, don't make a joke about this. Well, that and like the formatting of radio, they discovered, oh, I forget what the name of the radio guy is. He discovered that there's formats. Like that's how they got all these different stations. Like top 40 classic rock, hip hop, everything became so gross and systematic and boring. Yeah. By the way, we, I forgot to mention that I toured the south.

Starting point is 01:15:23 South last week. Hmm. Dream come true. Right. You're going to, you're going to change yourself to exclusively touring in the south. It was the drunkest audiences I've ever performed in front of. Yeah. We did two shows at this theater in Pensacola where on the late show, like it reminded me

Starting point is 01:15:46 of late, it was, I think it was Friday and it was like, there's this thing and if you like stand up or if you follow stand up, but you know, comedians on a second show Friday is supposed to be the most raucous kind of crazy show of the week. It's not always like that. And the reason is that Friday is the end of the work week. And if someone's going to the late show, it means that they're drinking probably from when they got off of work. So they might have like four hours of drinking.

Starting point is 01:16:10 It's margaritaville. Yeah. So, and you see a lot of comedy club shows, fall apart theaters are not usually like that. They're just not usually like that. Pensacola was like that. Oh God. It was chaos at one point, because here's what happens usually in theaters. Somebody says, somebody heckles says something, you fucking, you hit him, right?

Starting point is 01:16:36 Audience loves it. And like the show goes on. This crowd, it was like, bam, and then this person and then that person and then six people here and then the front row. And at one point, you know, I'm doing this dance for five minutes. I go, do you guys want me to finish the show? And they were like, yeah. And literally I start the next sentence, front row lady goes, well, what about, I go, you

Starting point is 01:16:59 got to be fucking kidding me. And then they're like kind of policing her, but the people are hammered. So I'm able to like finish the show and I was like, that was fucking nuts. When I got to the bus, there's people by the bus going, will you please come back? This show doesn't, they don't represent all of us. This is just, there's a bunch of rednecks here. And I go, yeah, of course I'll come back. And they're like, really?

Starting point is 01:17:28 I go, yeah, of course I'll come back. And then I did, I was also in Daytona Beach. That was actually a really fun show. Tunica was like, I mean, I thought I was performing to 60 people. It was just so flat. You know, you could tell by the voice of God backstage. Yeah. How was it going to go?

Starting point is 01:17:49 Sometimes the lights fade and the place goes like, you're like, oh wow, it's gonna be nuts. Lights faded there. And I was like, are there people here? And they're like, yeah. They're like, all right. I go, you ready? I go, shit. And they're like, like that, right?

Starting point is 01:18:05 And I go out there, it was fine. You know, we got through it. It was not like, Biloxi was a lot of fun. You know what the show of the week was? Somewhere I'd never been before. I mean, by far, Shreveport, Louisiana. Oh, wow. They were like on fire.

Starting point is 01:18:22 Really? And it was the last show of the week, which is always how you want the week to end. Shreveport, I heard someone yell the N word for the first time in 2008. That was a nice segue. Yeah. I go, I go, are you guys stoked? Obama was president and then some guy yelled out the N and I was a feature actor at the time.

Starting point is 01:18:41 So I was, I didn't not know how to handle it. You want to know something funny? When he got elected, I was doing a college gig in the cafeteria of a school in Colorado. And a guy said, he's the N word. And I was like, what? And I was like, I stopped and guess what he did. He repeated it for me. You're like, just to clarify.

Starting point is 01:19:07 And like everybody and everybody in the room was like, wow, dude, keep going. Yes, and it was like a, it was a weird school. It was like a mining school, some fucking, I forget the name of the school. And I was like, holy shit. I mean, I'd never, I'd never heard that. But it was at the funny bone in Shreveport. And what was cool about that funny bone is that the showroom is right next door to a bowling alley.

Starting point is 01:19:33 That's a good combo. Perfect. It's what you want as a stand up is to hear balls getting especially like in a moment where you're setting something up and there's a nice pause that you hear like. Yeah. Yeah. It's no longer around that funny bone, thankfully. Yeah. But that was really cool. You think they took the N word with them?

Starting point is 01:19:52 I hope so. That was wow. That's the first time I saw a Bass Pro shop when I went to Shreveport. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I gotta say, though, this this show was awesome. They really was. I'm glad you left on a positive note. Shartlet was crazy good.

Starting point is 01:20:06 Really? Yeah. The mommies came out hard and it was really, really neat. And I worked out a lot of new material. That's always a good feeling. And it felt really nice. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What do you have next? I guess some big shows coming up.

Starting point is 01:20:19 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's a big show. Did I sound like him? It's really gross. Oh, ah, ah. He just goes, oh, ah, ah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:20:31 OK. Yeah, I'm kind of coming. Yeah, there he is. Big black. I'm coming. Oh, get off. Oh, yeah. Oh, OK.

Starting point is 01:20:45 We should go. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. And we'll see you next time. Thanks, guys. Bye, mommies. Big black cocks. Marble mask.

Starting point is 01:21:06 Marble. Darth Brooks. Kidnap. Terror. New hostage nightmare. Darth Brooks. Kidnap. Terror.

Starting point is 01:21:35 Darth Brooks. Darth Brooks. Kidnap. Terror. Oh, I'm scared. I really like that. Darth Brooks. Kidnap.

Starting point is 01:22:11 Terror. Terrifying. Terrifying. Darth Brooks. Kidnap. Terror. Violence. Mass murder.

Starting point is 01:22:19 Darth Brooks. Kidnap. Terror. Let the conversation end. Something like us. It's ready to start. We need to start. Let the conversation end.

Starting point is 01:22:27 Let the conversation end. Something like us. It's ready to start. We need to start. I am just a regular dude. But double cross speed. I'll be looking for you. I'm down on earth.

Starting point is 01:22:35 Sing happy birthday to me. I'mma put you in the earth. I hope it hurts. When my records put you six feet in the dirt. It's a curse. If you lock us we'll be darned in verse. Man of my word. I've been my life on it.

Starting point is 01:22:43 Feel the stadium we're coming for. Even if my heart is cold. I'm always on P. I'm always on P. I'm always on P. I'm always on P. I'm always on P. I'm always on P.

Starting point is 01:22:51 I'm always on P. I'm always on P. I'm always on P.

Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 654 - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

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