Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 663 - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 6, 2022

THE GLOVE IS BACK!! On this week’s YMH, Tom Segura and Christina P discuss Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian, sucking at math, CP’s stepfather’s schemes, the new season of “Love on the Spectrum,” and Christina’s most recent Pazsitzky Effect.They watch another video of the cool weight loss coach, a dude explaining about he sues every company he works for, some “Horrible or Hilarious” videos, a new clip of Fedsmoker at a city council meeting, an altercation involving a door to door salesman, and an update from the “Machines Within” guy Cutter the Killer Clown.ttps://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinaponline.com/tour-dates https://store.ymhstudios.com/ https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

We started watching Love on the Spectrum, the U.S. one, we just started it, we're not deep into it. First of all, I think I'm a bigger fan of autism in Australia. Me too. Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. Amazing. Oh my classic! But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but is fat. A shadow dance with my hands.

Finger my arms. A shadow dance with my hands. Finger my arms. A shadow dance with my hands. Nice. I wish Bauhaus would cover that one. Oh yeah? Yeah.

It's a great goth song. They might. You never know. It's a goth tune, yeah. You never know. I have a huge announcement. I didn't even let you guys know. But I'm going to go ahead and break it right here, right now.

What? Ladies and gentlemen, the glove is back. Oh my god, I'm crying. It's been so long. What, what happened? I just got my fucking mojo back, you know? The glove is back. The glove is back, yeah.

Where has it been? I mean, you know, there's a few, there's like 6,000 around, but I mean... It's fucking hot now, you know, summer's here. You got to let them know if you got a stunt on these hoes, and sometimes you bear a different shit, and I'm just like, pow, you know? Dang! Yeah, so... So why did you shoot, now this one's the football glove, right?

Yeah, it's a receiver's glove, Jesus Christ. What made you bring this particular glove? Like what inspired this choice to do it? I mean, the shit's fire, dude, look at that. It's fire. Pow, it's hot. Yeah, it's dope. So are you making a return to Tom's to grow the glove comic?

Well, I'd never stop being the glove comic. Even when the glove's off, I have like a, you know... There's a glove, there's still a glove there. In person. Yeah. Sometimes you can't see the glove, that'd mean I'm not wearing a glove. That's true. The glove is in your heart.

Well, the glove is in your heart, the glove is, you know, it's in the air, the glove is in your mind. The glove is in the heart. Yeah, this is just a physical representation of a glove. I got you. You know? I got you, bro. Don't you remember, like, this is not a pipe? Yeah, this is not a pipe.

This is not a pipe. This is not a glove. Yeah. It's a representation of a glove. Right, yeah. This is just so people understand that I'm wearing a glove. Even when I take it off, the glove's still there. So you're saying that you, but you always feel the power of the glove.

Oh, yeah. Powerful. Yeah. It's your, your charm. Yeah. You speak your amulet. That's right. Cool, dude.

Well, we're all stoked to see it back. I'm sure. And I'm excited to see what you do with this power. Yeah, I might, I might put it on some fat models that give me shit online. Dang. Dang. I posted a video of a fat model and a bikini. Oh my God.

I saw that video. Everyone saw it. Fuck. I know. Everybody's like, great work. This one's amazing. I mean, that was a big girl. And you know what's interesting is that I mean,

she was fucking huge. Oh, huge. And she walked down the runway with confidence. I guess that really is the whole thing about body types. You know, when like they tell you, you tell you this, well, like when you're like in high school even, like, especially as a, as a guy, you'll hear, you know what girls like confidence.

True. Girls like confidence. You can do anything if you have confidence. And you see this chick walk down the runway with just mountains and rolls of just fat, just like bat, like just enormous, you know, enormous. And she was like just fully like, I'm a bad bitch. Took her glasses off and you're like, all right. Yeah, I see you.

I see why, you know, you're in this job. Yes. And it's interesting because I watched it initially and I was like, gosh, make fun of her. And then I was like, she's got some swag. Like I like, you're right. Swag points. Yeah.

You're like, I don't even write anything. You'll make fun of her on your own. A hundred percent. You guys see her. Yeah. Yeah. And her name was like Iowa model. Which is like Iowa Ska.

Oh, right. Like what Nadav wrote on the last show was so funny. We were discussing Iowa Ska and he wrote Iowa Ska. It's a hard word to spell. It is. I don't know how to spell it. There's a lot of silent letters in there. It is a tough word, but he did write the state Iowa and then Ska.

Ska. Yeah. Which is kind of clever, resourceful when you think about it. It is. I mean, he got the point. I knew what he was saying, you know. Okay. Let me try spelling Iowa Ska.

It's like when a deaf person goes. You're like, oh, they're hungry. You know, I get it. Hold on. That's a big sign language, but I get it. Yeah, you get that. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. I'm going to try spelling Iowa Ska. Ready? Tom, are you listening? Yeah. Is it A, Y, A? Yeah. H.

Yeah. J? No. I am. Wrong. What? That's not wrong. Wrong.

You fucking foreigner. You fucking say it like that too. I say it too. Wrong. Hongo. Wrong. A, Y, A, H. Y.

It's not a J. After the H? Again. No. Yeah. And then U, A, S, C. Yeah. A.

Yeah. Try spelling Iowa Ska. Not with a K, dog. There we go. Oh, it's a silent K. That was, that was, yeah. You did, you did it. He said there's a silent K in Iowa Ska.

I mean, you know, he really is. I found it out. He's not retarded. He is a terrible speller. He's a terrible speller. And now it's from the beginning. I remember, I remember like one of the first weeks we were working on something and I saw him spell like,

the fuck? And he was like, he's like, I'm a bad speller. You are? Yeah. But bad spelling informs, you know, your use of language, your vocabulary. Googling. Yeah.

All that stuff. Is that the root of it is kind of your spelling. Yeah. And what was your, what was your best subject in school? Best subject. Yeah. What did you do well in? What was your best?

Art. Art. I was actually really good at math and physics. Okay. So you were more math minded? Yeah. There you go. But English and stuff, no.

Just rough. Right over, right over my head. And you know, it's actually funny. I need term paper that I wrote. I was never going to get better than a B because I never did spell check. So I just handed it in where every other word was misspelled and I was just like, the way she goes.

You know what? I was like in English. I didn't. This is so lazy. I didn't, I was a decent speller. Like I was, you know, I did well, somewhat well, pretty well on spelling tests. I didn't mind right, like writing homework,

like there's a paper due. And I kind of enjoyed the writing process. But I never did well at the, like the rules of English. You know, all the, so I would bomb those. And I didn't care. I was like, I speak English the fuck done. Who cares? It's a pronoun.

I don't know what a past participle is. I don't know a dangling participle. I don't know what the conjugate, the verb goes before, I don't have any of that shit. All that, same. I was like, who cares? And I would just, you know, then they write you up and they tell you,

you did all this wrong. And I'm like, yeah, you know what? You and I, we're speaking English right now. Give me a fuck. It's good enough. And also, I, you know, I was putting effort into the writing, like the actual writing assignment. Same, yeah.

But the rules of it, I did not care. Yeah. I was actually a good speller. I was always good in English. I would get, you know, I was like in advanced English. I'm gonna brag a little bit. Wow. Wow.

You did. Yeah, I was always in advanced. Thank you. It's the one subject I excelled at. Everything else, pretty retarded. Math, total retard. Total retard. Oh yeah.

I took algebra one two years in a row. Yeah. That had to split it up into two years for me. That's how stupid I was. Here's how retarded, not only I am, but I think the school was that I went to. I got a fucking F, right? A fucking F.

You failed. F for fucking F. Failed algebra one. That's freshman year in high school. Fucking as dumb as it gets. Sophomore year, I take geology, no. Geometry. Geometry.

And I get like a BB plus. And they're like, what a nice recovery. Junior year, they put me in algebra two. I failed algebra one. Hard F, big F. Hard F, big fail. Senior year, they're like, you're not going to fucking graduate. If you don't take some, and I went to like tutors,

all the shit, I was like, I don't get it. They basically, I think they gave me a D to be like, otherwise this kid's not going to graduate. So they gave me a D. Freshman year of college. Oh, this is what keeps me from going to a certain college. I was going to go, it's in the book. I was going to go to Randolph-Macon in Virginia.

They're like, you need to take a math course over the summer because your math scores are horrific. Like, I'm not fucking taking a math course. So that's why I ended up going to Little Orion. When I go there, they have like entry like basically the basics of math. It's the only math requirement in college. You don't take any more math courses if you take this. I take it, I fail it.

Fail. I fail it. Not even like a senior, a D. No, I fail it. I do so poorly and I go, I don't care. And then like moving forward, you don't have to take any more math. So I take no math classes, right? Second semester, sophomore year, junior year.

Beginning of senior year, they're like, you're not going to graduate college if you don't take this basic math class. So I'm like, fuck. I put it off till second semester. So it's the last semester and I go into it. I'm the only senior in it. It's all freshman.

It's like 18 year olds right out of high school. They remember everything. I feel like I'm a man, like a grown man with kids. And the same thing. And I just buddied up with the professor. And like we, he liked boats. And I was like, I love boats. I'm sorry to talk about boats.

So, and then he would call me in. He would try to help me out. And I was like, look, man, I'm fully fucking retarded. I don't know how to do this. And he gave me like a passing score. Nice. Totally get like a D. Or maybe it was, maybe he gave me even like a C

just to like get out of there. But see, isn't that more valuable? I think the fact that you learn a bigger lesson, which is like life is negotiable. It is. People, people make things happen. The funny thing is I'm not, I don't hate numbers either. You know, I'm not like a, I don't run numbers by me.

Like I like it. I like the data. I, you know, I'm not opposed to a conversation involving a lot of numbers. Yeah, that's true. You're quite good with them, actually. But I just, I did so poorly at those. And it's like, it doesn't dictate everything.

It doesn't mean that you can't operate just because you didn't do well at an algebra class. Here I am 20 years later. I'm the fucking glove com. You can count on that, bitch. You think my peers are doing this shit? I don't think so. I don't fucking think so.

Now, we even played the opening of the show. So let's get this opening going and then we'll get back into this right away. Okay. Yeah. Hey fatty, nobody gives a fuck if you lose weight, you fat fucking pig. Nobody gives a fuck about you.

Why would they? All you do is consume. You don't give. You sit in your fucking house. You suck money up the fucking government and consume the internet. Scrolling all fucking days, scrolling. It's all you do.

Nobody gives a fuck about you. I like that cat. Don't bring anyone. He's right. Don't murder the fuckers there. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura, Tom Setsugura. And Christina Pajit-sigist.

Christina Pajit-sigist. Welcome to your mom's house. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow. M-meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Nice. We're back with Cole Robinson. Oh, yeah, that's guy.

Second time in a few weeks here, but yeah, I really like the message. I know, too. He's right. I love the aggression. I love the name calling. I like that you're, you don't, you know, dance around the subject matter at hand. Definitely. So here's a little more Cole.

Idiots. This guy's killing it. Crush it. And can I tell you why? Yeah. Everything he's saying is how I talk to myself. Yeah. That's why I'm successful, guys.

This is how successful people talk to themselves. It's not loving in here. This is just like a long, like really spelled out version of you get the glove. That's all he's saying. Yeah, you get the glove. That's all he's saying. You get the glove. And this is kind of my inner dialogue a lot.

Dude, let me tell you something. Successful people do not sit around, I imagine, going, you're great. Everything you do is perfect. You're fine as you are. What you do is you go, you're fucking idiot. Yeah. Get up, do something better, make yourself better. Yeah.

Earn love, because no one loves you. Unless you earn it. Listen, you gotta hit your kids. Here's more of this guy. Okay, don't blame diets. Okay, don't blame everybody else for your shit. Okay, it's you, you idiot. Okay, I don't give a fuck if you lose weight.

I don't care. I don't care. That's why it always cracks me up when I see people send me messages like, oh, fuck, I couldn't lose weight on the snake diet. Like, they're trying to make it sound like it's a diet and trying to make it sound like it's my fault they didn't lose weight. Okay, so number one, I don't give a fuck if you die tomorrow. I don't.

I fucking don't. I don't care. Why the fuck do I fucking care? I like that he said that they're calling it a diet and it's his diet. It's called a snake diet. Yeah. Yeah, he's like, it's calling it a diet like they're wrong, but it says snake diet on his shirt and it is his diet.

I know. He also went to another level with I don't care if you die. That's pretty rad. You're not offering. You're not giving. Just consume. You're a fucking pig. You're a fucking pig.

If you want to fucking build gratitude, be happy. You got to face fear. If you're not willing to face any fear on a day-to-day basis, you should be doing at least one scary thing each day. Does it have to be jumping out of a plane? No. Go up to a stranger pig. Go up to a fucking stranger.

Go talk to your neighbor. Go fucking talk to the little old lady next door. Make friends with her. Fuck. You need to develop face-to-face fucking relationships with people. Please stop relying on your toxic friend the fucking internet, you idiot. Real fucking people. Fuck.

Until next time, stop fucking eating, fatty. I couldn't agree more. This guy is great. Yeah. Yeah. This guy, I mean, look, the reason it's so... People were talking like this normally 20, 30 years ago. This is every other motivational person.

Stop eating, you fat fuck. This is literally like... You know what this also is? This is revolutionary now because nobody tells like it is anymore. This is the dialogue that people have about a fat person when they're not around. Who's like being like... You know what I mean? If you know someone who's really overweight and they're like...

Just want to lose weight. When that person leaves, they're like, the fat fuck just needs to get up and get moving and stop complaining and making excuses. They might not say it with the same energy and venom, but they're essentially saying that. They're like, the guy just fucking sits around all day. I know. You know?

I know, and he's right. You're not giving anything. He's just doing like a super aggressive way about... Yeah. What are you giving to the world? You're just a consumer. Yeah. Metaphor.

Yeah. You consume literally. Yeah. You sit, you consume the waves of nothingness that the endless internet can provide, and then you feed yourself and you don't... It's like that fucking... It's like you're one of those characters. What's that?

Gray-E Wally? Yeah, that Wally. Oh, those... Yeah. That movie, you know? The animated film. And that's what like the planet becomes, right? It's like overcomes...

And then they're out on that ship, and everybody is like a pig, though. Like when you go to the ship, if you do the ship in space, like the humans that are in this film, it's a fantastic... It's such a good man. It's just people are... Wally picks our ship in space. And look at what we're looking at. The ship in space in Wally that you asked for.

Maybe the people that are on the ship. Look at this. The ship in space people. There we go. Look what we got. Exactly what you wanted. That's it. What he's describing, though...

God. What he's describing... Is this. Is that represent... Is that, you know? Yeah, it's just getting super fat. It's true. And look, I realize this.

There's probably somebody listening or watching who is in that mindset, you know? Like is doing this. And they're like, yeah, it doesn't really help me when someone yells and says shit like that. And I get that. It doesn't work for everybody. It doesn't work for everybody, you know? Yeah, it works for me.

But, you know, you can start doing something. And the sweeter way of saying it is like, go outside. Go outside. Leave your place. Get off the couch. Throw out some soda. Eat some healthy food. Do a little movement.

That is a mental problem. That's what he's saying. This is an emotional mental problem of sitting on the couch and just consuming television, swiping and all that low energy, low frequency behavior. It's just low frequency behavior. That's all that is. You're sitting there baiting. You're baiting.

God, that was such a fine movie. That was the best role Deck Shepard ever had was idiocracy. What a funny fucking movie. Pretty great. That is. It's true. You're just baiting. You're stroking your dick.

That's all you're doing. All day. And you're not giving back to the world. You're just one step away from death. Yeah. That's true. Sucking on your mommy's tits. Do something.

Sucking your thumb. Do something. Can I tell you the one thing I do like about social media is that it does make people output. Rather, you're not just a passive consumer. What do you mean? Well, for instance, for the era of television, right? You were just a passive consumer. A passive observer.

Oh, the era of television. What did I say? It sounded like you said the era of television. Oh, the era of television. The Arabs. Yeah. I was like, first of all, why are you watching Arab television? How do you know this?

The era. Era. Era. Yeah. Meaning you're just a passive. You just took in the advertising. You were hypnotized. At least what's interesting about social media is that it's somewhat interactive.

Interactive. Yeah. So you're actually putting content out. You're interacting theoretically with what you're being advertised from, too. Do you know what I mean? TV was so passive. You're just like a zombie. Yeah.

Totally. Feed me. Coca-Cola. You can't actually take some action. You know what I have zero respect for? You're with these fucking fucks on social media that have no posts. No posts and no followers, but only follow. So they're like these like, they're just like, they feel like peeping toms.

You know? Like it's somebody who just like. Are they lurkers? Yeah. Like hanging out in the bushes or something. Like they just watch everything and they comment, but they don't. Yeah. They're private accounts.

And they, they get to throw things out, but you know, not take any of it. It's just such, what it is, is it's small dick energy. You know what I mean? It's just like, it's really what it is. Yeah. It's like, it's like just yelling shit at somebody, but then you hide. Yeah. You're a fucking bitch, dude.

It's really, it's bitch-tid energy. Yeah. Yeah. It is bitch-dick energy. Bitch-tid energy. Yeah. Bitch-tits. Yeah.

Kim Kardashian is dating this Pete Davidson. Right. You know how it happened? How? So she did SNL with Pete, right? Yeah. And then they, they have, they do a scene together where they kiss and she's like, oh, I felt a little something, something when I was kissing Pete Davidson.

So, you know, they always have those after party, the after show party. He doesn't go to the party. And she's like, oh, where's Pete Davidson? I want, you know, this is the one guy that's ignoring Kim Kardashian, essentially. Right, right, right. So, you know what she does? She texts and she goes, hey, I heard so much about this big dick energy. I'd like to know more.

Isn't that wild? No. Yeah. I heard the story from Chase and she doesn't lie. Wait, wait. What do you mean? What do you mean, what do I mean? She, like she has it on.

On authority. No, no, I think there was a story that like had come out, like how did they met or some interview that she saw and Kim Kardashian, oh, it was keeping up with the Kardashians. Sorry, the new one, the new season, she talks about how she met Pete and that's the story she reveals on keeping up with the Kardashians, the new one. And, and that was the actual text she said? Yeah. She's like, what's up with this?

I hear about this big dick energy. Like, let's, let's get on it. Yeah. Jesus. I know. Isn't that wild? I mean, it's kind of a great opener. It's a fantastic opener to hear.

I think if you're a guy, because you're right, because of his big dick energy rumors. Now, do you think she meant the energy or the dick? Do you know what I mean? Like it's, is it a veiled thing of like, Hey, I heard you got a big one. Or is she really like, Hey, I want to see your swag. Well, it sounds like the thing is your energy is entered. Like she's saying specifically energy, right? Now, with Pete, the rumor, not just that, I mean, I've never heard about the energy.

I've heard about his actual penis. Right. Yeah. Right. That's, that's the debate I'm having. You know, I'm not sure I say. Well, no, I see what you're saying. I'm saying that that entered, it says energy.

So she's like, I want to see your swag. But I mean, it's tied to the fact that he also has a big dick. Yeah. Which he does. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I've heard. Yeah.

Listen, I've never met somebody more obsessed with dicks than you. I mean, it's particularly big ones. There's such a twinkle in your eye right now. What? Am I not a woman? I mean, you always go to this. Am I not a woman? I mean, I'm the only woman here besides Heather and, you know, yeah.

Is that what you two talking about? I mean, what would you want me to be into? You want me to be in the pussies instead? I like dick. Yeah. I like dicks, babe. That's why I like you. Okay.

I like your big old sloppy dick. I like it. There's no rumors about me. Well, let's start them now. Yeah. Pete is known as a horse cock is what they call him. Maybe this is just the truth. No, I know.

Milton Burrell was known to have a big E2. Yeah. Which is funny. Do you have like a special folder in your head? I do. Did you want me to continue? Because I can't. Yeah, keep going.

Okay. Episode two, season one of Euphoria. There are 35 dicks in that episode. Listen, I got a good topic for you for your next therapy session. It's what's going on with you and dicks. Dennis Rodman. Dennis Rodman? That was biggie, right?

I mean, I feel like it's a solid guess. Because didn't he break his dick banging Carmen Electra? They said he broke it three times. Yeah. It's tough to break small ones. I get what you're saying. Tommy Lee. Verified.

Verified. Verified. Blue check mark next to his dick. Yeah. That's a really good idea. John Hamm. Oh, right, we discovered that on this show. Yeah, yeah.

And he's a good looking guy. So he's like, you know what I mean? He's like classically handsome. Yeah. John Hamm looks like just, you know, leading man kind of face. And he's got a fucking hog on him. What do you think Henry Cavill's got? I don't know.

There's not dick rumors about him. No dick rumors. Did I tell you what I think it really has? Probably like a normal dick. I think average, yeah. Which guess what? It's probably great. It's probably great.

Would you give him a tug on his tongue? What if he was like, my balls are so backed up? Would you help him? I'd have to ask permission first from you. Well, you got it. I do? Sure. Yeah, of course.

Yeah? Yeah. I didn't realize he played Superman. I changed my answer to our discussion we had a million years ago, like who do I bang? Yeah. I was like Batman, but I forgot that he played Superman. I'm gonna go ahead and change that to Superman.

So you would tug his stuff though? Yeah, of course. I mean, you would probably, when you tug his stuff, he's fucking perfect. He could probably talk me into it. He's perfect. He is perfect. Yeah.

He's perfect? Well, look at him. Yeah. That mustache I don't like. I don't like his features, fuck, but I like the other stuff going on. I mean, got great eyes, great facial structure. Yeah, I just... Hair, bod.

Dude, really? Got it. We got to find out about that cock from somebody. We have to. There's got to be someone that knows. We're putting it out there. I like how you said it. Like, we got to know.

We do. We got to know. And by the way, when I say we got to, it's Christina. She's got to know. She wants details. I mean, if one of your friends was like, guess what? I hooked up with Henry Cavill. I don't know.

Would you be like coming to this room right now and like sit... Of course. Tell me everything. Tell me the dick sitch. No, that's what you would start with. Yeah, dick sitch. I've done it before. I've been around you.

You're always like, oh, you hooked up last night? How was that dick? That's the first question I always ask another girl. Or when a girl's like, oh, I'm dating this new guy. Christina's like, what's that dick like? I'm like... Well, that's important. She's not like, what's he like?

She's like, how's that dick? What's his dick sitch like? I'm like, Jesus Christ. Because a dick sitch can make or break a sitch. You understand? A bad... I'm telling you, like, you don't... Guys want to hear it.

The truth is... Listen to me. Do you want to know? I do want to know. A dick can tip... It's a tipping point, okay? Listen, are you paying attention? For instance, let's say you're on the fence about a guy.

Right. But he's got great dick sitch. Right. You're going to lean positively because you're like, yeah, but that dick sitch is pretty great. If you're leaning negatively and his dick sitch ain't so hot, you're going to go tip negative. So if you're on the fence about a dude, that dick can make or break him. Yeah. I mean, I've made mistakes many times.

What an elegant and just beautiful way to summarize the situation. Yeah. Yeah. But Kim K knows what's up. She leads with that. So she's like, I'm going to lean positively. And she likes big ones. We know this.

Ray J, we all saw the video. She's obviously into Pete, big dicks. Yeah. I can't believe how big his dick was. Yeah. Yeah. Kanye probably has a normal dick, I'm guessing. So she went...

But she married the normal dick. But we don't know what his dick sitch is. Yeah, you would know. You think so? You think he would get out? If you're that famous, it would get out. Yeah. If you're that...

I mean, no one talks about it. It's probably just normal. And he's had a lot of lovers. Probably, yeah. Paramois. Yeah, they would be... I mean, it's probably just like literally a normal dick. That girl that's like, yeah, I did my makeup myself.

Yeah. I was Josh Safdie's man when he had that uncut jobs. What? She was having relations with Kanye. Oh, right, right, right. Julia Fox? Yeah. Because she's so funny, do I love her?

Here's when you would know about a real famous person's dick. If it was really crazy small or really crazy big. Yeah. That's when you would... That's when it would make the rumor mill. That's so true. Yeah. I don't know if I've heard any crazy smalls rumor mill.

Yeah, I mean, you'd have to... I think I said it'd have to be like really notable. Yeah. And the person would probably have to be probably kind of an asshole for someone to be reporting that, you know what I mean? Like spreading that. Gosh. I don't know.

Or at least they get around a lot. So like there would be so many people that had the information about it. Yeah. Yeah. That's when she goes, she goes, yeah, yeah, I did it myself. Yeah. So that dick sitch can really make a sitch. Uh-huh.

Yeah. And make or break, I'm telling you, I'm telling you... I believe you. I believe you. Because I was like, oh no, my dick sitch ain't too great either. And then you're like, it's done. It's done. But if it were great...

Then you stay in a little bit longer. Yeah. Because you're like, dick sitch is pretty great. I don't think give up the dick sitch right now. Fuck, you're such a fucking whore. God. So? So what's...

What's great? You married. You married her. What's great? I'm not telling you this stuff. What's great? What do you mean what's great? I married what's great.

No, no, no, no. This is great. This is not a great... You think that... First of all, first of all, you think I'm going to choke you, I want to scoop out your eyeballs, I want to be creepy with you, all that stuff, that could have leaned me out, right out, but I was like, his dick sitch is pretty tight, so I'm going to stay in this. How do you think you stuck around for so long?

I should have dipped out long ago, my man. There were a lot of red flags in the beginning, and I was like, but his dick sitch is tight. Yeah. I'm serious. That's why we're here. That's a good point. And so is life. It comes full circle, doesn't it?

Yeah. I'm glad you got a good dick sitch. When you see my dick. I turn it to a telescope. Yeah, that's true. Bay. Bay. Yeah.

Wow, what a lovely talk. I'm sure we're going to hear about dick sitches because of this talk, too. Yeah, I mean, look, I'm sure there are women out there listening that have stayed in relationships longer than they should have because that dick sitch was pretty great. And then there's girls that pieced out prematurely, maybe, because the dick sitch wasn't so great. Ladies, why don't you let us know what your dick sitches were like? Can make or break. Yeah, it could be good or bad.

Your mom's podcast at gmail.com. I recently had a conversation, not quite like this, somewhat similar. Simular. Simular, yeah. About how long you would stay in a relationship where sex was unbelievable, right? A person is unbelievably attracted, like so hot, unbelievable sex, but brought nothing else to the table. My theory was that the older you were, the less you would tolerate it, right?

Like, if you're 21, you're fucking baby Zolo, you'd be like, all right, this shit out for a few years. Oh, yeah. You'd waste some good years on that, chick. Once you're in your 40s, you'd literally be like, that was a fun week, but I'm not, you know what I mean? You'd be like, because you value your time so much more the older you get, you realize how precious your time is.

Yeah. And I don't know. See, I might beg, Yana, I might beg to differ here. Okay, go ahead. I might go longer on the dum-dum who's really attractive, simply because we're just banging, right? Like, I'm not going to have to talk to them or spend time with them. This is a relationship.

Oh, shit. That's tough. That's the point. The point is, when you're 20s, you don't care, probably. You're like, well, I guess this is a relationship. You don't even know. You don't even have like a real gauge for your, for relationships. I mean, at this point, I can't even tolerate.

This is my point. I know. I know. I thought you just meant like hook-upsies. Not like, not like, just, I thought you just meant sexuals. But I can't even tolerate like a stupid barista at this point. Exactly. I know, I know.

You don't tolerate a lot of nonsense because you're, you know, you've lived half a life, you know? No. I know you're thinking like, I just want to get railed. Yeah. You have the look on your face. You're like, can we just make an arrangement? Am I wrong?

Jesus. I mean, you're the one fucking saying it. You just said like, I just want to get railed. But in my head, I went to this whole scenario. I was like, well, I'm obviously widowed. Tom's been dead for how long? And then like, like, I have to go, but you can't just ask me to do these hypotheticals because I got to like rearrange my whole life.

Like I'm a mother. I spent a lot of time with the kids. You know what I mean? You know, could you fucking just make it a little easier? No. You're right. I don't understand why everyone's a fucking stupid idiot. So.

I had too much sodium at lunch. It's my face bloating. Yeah. All right. So it's just, if it's just banging though, obviously you can go for a while. Yeah. Of course. Yeah, but I can't tolerate stupidity now.

That's, yeah. That's the entire. Plus looks are fleeting. You know, once you hit your forties, you're like, I'm just happy to be here. Yeah. We're just alive. It's fine. You give up on that stuff.

Yeah. Yeah. You want to see some wild shit? Always. So this clip came in. It's just amazing. You know, it's funny is when people, like the girl, remember the girl last week was like, here's how I manipulate men.

And you go, the craziest thing is that just that you would share this. Yeah. Right? Like now everyone knows like people know who you are and they associate your, that behavior with you. You know, it's worse than cringe. Thank you. I'm going to show you.

I'm going to share with you how I do fucked up things. Yeah. That's terrible. Have you ever worked in nine to five? Well, will you do you work in nine to five? Yeah. I sue every job I get. Yeah.

Yeah. What I do, I go on the job. I've sued singular before AT&T. I got $40,000 out of them in 2006, July 6, 2006 for race discrimination and sexual harassment, quit, quote, pro sexual harassment, just niggas cracking jokes on the job. Right? I did. I went and learned employment, employment rights.

My last two jobs, I got 10,000 out of that one through OSHA and got another $10,000 through OSHA. So what I do, I go find a job because I know they got niggas go be violating safety violations. So I'm going to go complain about safety violations. I know some bitch ass supervisor go get mad by me complaining and start retaliating against me. Then I'm going to make a call to OSHA and say, hey, they unsafe over here. And then I'm going to let them know, yeah, I'm the one called OSHA and they go fuck with

me. They're going to pay me $10,000 for retaliation. I get them every time. What's crazy is not just that this exists, but that you would tell. Yeah. Now how are you going to get hired? Like this will get out. This will get out, dude.

I get them every goddamn time. I get the warehouse job. Man, I work for a gun distribution company. I got they motherfucking ass. Yeah, I'm a bad motherfucker with suing jobs. So you're going there knowing you're about to get a job? Yeah. Man, if motherfucking know, I'm going to go get a job.

They already know he just, I'm the slip and fall nigga. I'm talking about, I got a 100% success rate in suing every job I done worked for. Something either through the EEOC or through OSHA. And I'll be trying to tell other niggas, say, homie, get in on it. They be scared. And then when I get them and they get fired, they call me back, say, man, you think no, nigga, I tried to tell you. What's crazy is like, I feel like this could be used in like a deposition or something.

Yeah. Right? If you try to sue some place over some bullshit, maybe it's just that the money is so low for a major corporation that they just go, you know, just take it. But it's just wild that you would put your face out there. Right now. Telling that you do that. And also, has no one done a background check on this?

I know. Where did you work before? Yeah. Call the employer. Like, oh, you know, that guy sued us. Hey, man, 26 people said you sued them. I know. Wow.

And also, too, doesn't OSHA pick up on this guy suing multiple or calling in every job? I'm sure, I mean, I'm sure this is a type of employee that is like a float where like, OSHA can't really do away with like, they just know that person's out there. You know what I mean? That type of employee. So they're like, there's like a hundred of these dudes floating around the country that just do this. And they just know like, this is.

Oh, yeah. This is racket. They just don't go. Yeah. There's just nothing you can really do. When you read the employment rights, homie, they say race discrimination is broad. It's so open in America, homie. But the average employee is scared to say something.

Sexual harassment. It goes on all the time. Niggas in the break room talking about who they fucked over the weekend. I'm sitting over there eating. I don't want to hear that shit. Niggas, I don't care about all them whole. And you doing this every weekend. Well, at some point I'm going to go to the HR lady and say Larry and Leroy talking about

women they sleep with every weekend and they need to stop it. Well, guess what? They ain't going to stop it. And after that, I don't know. I don't know. I already complained about it because you have to make a complaint and let them know that you are uncomfortable with this conversation. Say, man, I don't want to hear that, homie.

They think I'm just being a bullshit ass nigga. They don't know me. So he's telling you how to do it. This is a guidebook. How to sue. So I don't let them know. So on January 2nd at 1230, lunch break, Larry and Leroy talking about fucking Sheila. So I'm going to keep documentation.

So when I go to HR, I'm going to let HR know. Now they going to be fucking with me. By the way, he looks like he's sitting in like a CEO's chair. I know. He's like, they were like, we want to interview the guy that knows how to sue people. I know. He's like, come to my office, man. Well, snitch it works.

So now they going to be talking about me, making my work environment a hostile working environment. By this time, I'm going to the EEOC and get them. We go to mediation. They go ask me what I want. Yeah, and then after you tell them what you want. Jesus. It's so easy to get. Jesus.

Incredible. Yeah. The only thing I think about is that he's got to be, you know, talking about how exhausting it would be to be that girl that manipulates guys. It feels like the mental energy it would take to remember that when you're at work, you're a perfect employee because you got to be like the employee who, remember that you're bothered by these things. Like you're just on.

You have to be on. On. I know. That whole time and like being like, oh, I heard something. I got a document. I got to complain. People laugh and people say the thing that they're just having a good time because you. Right.

Because this guy is actually, I mean, he's really clever and he's got a clever mind. He's very clever. And so did she. If only they could put these powers to good use. I know. It's always like that criminal mind is such a waste of energy. It really is. I wish this guy could put it into something more productive.

I know. And every time you tell them 10 bands. Well, OSHA. Let me just say this. The Fort Worth office at OSHA. Oh, Jesus. Jesus. I asked for 50,000 last time.

Damn. They told me to take this 10,000 a week. Oh, just missed the case. Now I had a good case, but they so sick of me winning. You said it. You said it. You said it. You said it.

So God damn me. Sick of me winning. They said, man, take this 10,000 and you man. That's it. But I'll be having legitimate cases on me because companies leave themselves open for that home. Jeez. He's got a cool shirt too. What's it say?

He can say it. Oh, I didn't see it. I saw one. It says Texas. Oh. Hey, that was me. It says Texas Nigger. Yeah.

Jeez. What does his hat say? Something ignorant. Yeah. Getting goals accomplished. Oh, is that what it is? I don't know. It's sad because he does have a good head on him.

Yeah. He's a clever dude. He's probably become a lawyer with this kind of brain. I know. He's got like, he's like, you got to learn the rules. You learned them. I was watching that. Oh, sorry.

Just update his hat technically says Nigger too. Oh. It's an acronym. Oh. This is Never Ignorant Getting Goals Accomplished. Nigger everywhere. Cool. He really, he's a big fan of the brand.

Some people like Nike and some people like Adidas. Okay. Right. Never ignorant getting goals. It is sad. Oh, there he is. Charleston White. That's not that long ago.

Teen Texas Gangly. Oh, he was a gang. Managed to remit himself at serving jail time for his juvenile transgressions. Okay. So I guess he posts videos a lot. He's 52. Wow. He looks good.

Yeah. He came under fire regarding George Floyd and the late rapper DMX's death. I wonder what he said about them. White is the founder and CEO of helping young people excel in organization dedicated to educating teens and helping to turn them from turning to crime. I mean, all right. How old is this photo? Has something changed from then until now?

I don't know, man. That doesn't sound legit. He isn't a CEO chair. All right. Okay. Does it say that he's the best at suing? My story gives hope to those who've lost it. He thanks the Texas system for saving my life.

Now a father of two travels the country sharing my knowledge, qualitative experiences. Maybe he stopped suing people. I was for all intents and purposes a murderer. I didn't pull a trigger, but I was responsible for the shooting death. Damn. Fuck. He seems like actually a pretty good guy. Yeah.

He's getting you too. I know. This motherfucker probably paid for this article. Yeah. He served seven years before his 21st birthday. Wow. Yeah. Okay.

So this explains a lot though. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Oh man. That is wild. I love that this article is like, here's a great guy. And then we watched this other video of him being like, you got to learn when to tell motherfuckers

that they've been sexually harassing you and get paid. Oh my goodness gracious. Jesus. It is funny because it is like on full display what the criminal mind is. Yeah. It's very, he's super intelligent. Yeah. Clever.

And you can go this way or this way. So here he is in this video telling us like, here's how you can manipulate like employers and sue and get money every time. And then he's like, I'm trying to help kids stay out of, you know, it's fucking wild. Yeah. Same kind of mind. Yeah. It's interesting because, well, it's actually true.

They're very good at learning rules. That's what they do. That's step one. Yeah. So he would learn the codes and the rules. And then the cleverness is to how to get around it. What's the work around? What's the way I'm not going to get caught doing the thing?

What did that manipulative girl say? That's step one. Learn the rules. Ask questions to get information. Like, it's another version of it. Yeah. Like, tell me about yourself. Yeah.

And he would spend so much energy doing the work arounds as opposed to just following the rules, doing it the right way. Yeah. And like, what are you doing? He would do things like, he would spend entire weekends. This is back when they would publish prices in the newspaper, like in federated and all these companies, electronics. He would buy an electronic at one company and then spend all weekend looking for the

other prices and then find that guy and then take it to that guy and go, hey, you're fucking me over. And then get the better price. Like... And you're like, he's spent. Which is, again, remember the girl? Yeah. And you're like, why?

It's like, because it's about the win. Yeah. It's that psychotic getting one over. That's what psychopaths do. Yeah. Because they like the thrill of the win, of getting, of like that moment of being like, fuck you. That's actually like a dopamine trip to them.

Yeah, I know. Yeah. What about your stepfather? Sure. What was that dick-sitch like? So I can tell you, I have an answer. Not firsthand. Okay.

So my mother, one time, they're both passed away now, they're dead, so I can tell the story. My mother told me, at this point, they were sleeping in separate bedrooms. And she said, Dean has an infection on his pickle. His pickle is infected. Some kind of skin problem. I don't want to touch his pickle no more. So I think at one point his pickle was okay, and then something happened.

So he had a decent, I mean, they were together a while. 17 years. That's a decent dick-sitch. That was a decent dick-sitch. Yeah. Yeah. You don't stay with 17 years for nothing. That's true.

I think it was an average. I think I walked in on him nude once, and I got like, ooh, and it was like a look normal. You don't think? You don't think you did? No, I'm trying to remember the exact. Your brain tried to block it out. Absolutely. Yeah.

Yeah, I walked in on him naked one time. Yeah. It was really average. Was it hard? No. No. Thankfully. A lot of step-dads it are, so I got lucky.

Mine wasn't. Thank God. Yeah. No. I think it was an average, yeah. Nice. Yeah. Because my mom would tell me, she was very inappropriate.

She would have told me, oh, his pickle's too big. I can't have sex with the pickle. Really? Well, because she told me the pickle was infected. Oh, right. I know. I knew about my step-dad's dick skin, why wouldn't she tell me if it was abnormally large or small?

She would have said that. Yeah. She would have told me. Did she ever? No. About other dicks? Yeah. No.

Not in particular, not that I can recall right now. I'm sure. Yeah. Like, she was vastly inappropriate with me. Yeah. Yeah. And he was a real schemer, that guy. He was a mastermind.

He came from a very poor country, he came from India. And so, when he came to America, it was like, wait a minute, all you have to do is like follow these bullshit rules and you can become a millionaire. Yeah. And that's what he did. He learned the rules and then just worked around all of them and became a millionaire and he filed bankruptcy three or four, I think four times by the time he died. Jesus.

So what he'd do was, so then he met my mom and what he would do is he'd ruin his credit doing these schemes. So he met my mom who had impeccable credit and then he was like, you know, like, oh, I should have filed bankruptcy before, can we use your credit? And then that's what he would do. He would marry these white ladies and then use their credit. And my mother was the second lady he did that to. Nice.

Yeah. Nice. But they built a fortune. Like, they became a millionaire. We got out of the valley. Like, my mom and I lived in a shitty apartment. Like, she married Dean, all of a sudden we had Mercedes, they had nice house, nice things, fur jacket, good jewelry, nice thing.

And then next thing you know, IRS came knocking because he didn't pay taxes. How long did it last? How long did it take? The riches? Yeah. About six or seven years. So every seven years he'd file bankruptcy, which is about what you can. Yeah, yeah.

And then you don't have to pay on. He's calling maxing it out. Yeah. That's what he did. Nice. Yeah. What? Did you say your dad had schemes, too, in a dove?

Yeah. He was really in love. Remember when Palm Pilots came out? Yeah. So he loved Palm Pilots because it had like a calendar function on it, some bullshit. And so what he would do is he'd have a stack, like he always had two ones that were fresh in the box. And so...

He sounds so dumb already. Yeah. They were fresh in the box and as soon as one of them broke, like I forget exactly how it worked, but essentially he'd go to the store, get a fresh receipt for like a newly purchased one, and then put the broken one in there. And then went back to the store and be like, you guys hold me a fucking brick. And then it'd be like, oh, I'm so sorry. So he'd constantly just have like a replenished stack of fresh Palm Pilots.

Like I got one. He was, Palm Pilots are dumb, dude. Yeah. Such a ridiculous scheme. Stairhood scheme. Yeah. So immigrant. Yeah.

You know? Such a lull. Immigrant schemes are just so funny. Hey, you know, sometimes, you know, you just don't know where your next Palm Pilots comes from. That's true. Yeah. I forgot my dad did.

My mom doesn't do schemes, but it's so like third world the way her brain works, you know? And it's just like, she's just always, she's just always like, you know, like her eyes on the wrong. I'm like, who gives a fuck about that? She's like, well, this guy said that it was 275 and over here it's three. So I'm like, you're talking about like a dollar or something? Like what are we doing? You know what I mean?

Like wasting the time to like make the point. I know. And I'm like, God, she's a fucking. I know. And like, because my, everybody in my family, you know, we're all immigrants, so when I met you and you did stuff American, like normal way, I was like, wait, I don't have to stress. Like for instance, if I want to get the tires changed on my car, I wouldn't just fucking

go to like the normal place. I got to go to the guy that my dad knows is a Canadian guy, and then he's got a deal and I'm going to do the thing. It was never, if I want to get car insurance, I have to go to a specific guy because I know that guy's Hungarian and he does a deal with this guy. Like it was never just a normal thing. Yeah. It took so many years.

Even like feelings, this tooth that I'm having replaced is because I got the feeling done by a Russian in Santa Monica and it was cheap because it was somebody my parents knew and they didn't have air conditioning, but it was a $20 filling like all this fucking stupid shit. Yeah. I bet like later on in life, you're like, why did I waste so much energy? I could have just paid like $100, got a normal fucking filling and I wouldn't have a fucking crowd today.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. But I did all this shit backwards because my parents did everything backwards. Yeah. I got this shit done when I was like 23, I had no money. Yeah, it's real. And then my stepmom told me, go to doctor in fucking Santa Monica, cheap, cheap.

That's also super immigrant style, like immigrants always have a connection to somebody from their community. Yes. Koreans, Chinese. That's the problem. Israelis, Hungarians, they all like go to my, you know, keep it in the... Only my guy because I trust that guy, that guy's going to fuck you over, Americans fuck you over.

They would also fuck you over. Yeah, yeah. But not necessarily everybody fucks everybody over. Doesn't matter. Yeah, basically. You know, look, I mean, it's funny, it's like, when everyone tells me, like, you know, if you go to this guy, you get a deal, I'll go, great, I'll avoid that guy. I know.

I don't want a deal. Because I feel like you get what you pay for. You've taught me that over. Yeah. And I think, you know, you're... Say no to deals. That's my philosophy. No.

And just do it the right way. Then you do it once. You're right about this immigrant mentality, like my mother was the same, like anything that was free, we had to like steal it, take it. I was always stealing butter knives. My mother has come to three or four shows on this tour. Do you know that she comes when you're in that, when you perform in, you know, these theaters and stuff, you have a rider and I have a pretty basic one.

But basically every green room is stacked with water, some soda options. There's like a meat tray, there's a veggie tray, right? There's tea. Sometimes they have fruit, things like that out. That's pretty basic. But anyway, if you first come in and you're not expecting it, you're like, what's all this shit? And you're like, this is just the layout at every show.

Every show, she'll come backstage and she hangs out and then she's like, can I take some water? And I'm like, sure. Because I've also had a friend here, you know, take a water and go, and I see her every time with her purse open and she's putting water, like if there's like snacks, you know, they'll have like bags of like almonds. She's just like stuff and I'm like, what's up with the nine bottles? She goes, you said I could take it.

I'm like, yeah, but what are you, you don't even drink water. That's true. She doesn't drink water. It's because it's free. It's free. It's free. When you go on vacations, she would, if you're in like the breakfast in the lobby, some times they have those, you know, if it's a nice place, they have some type of buffet

kind of thing. They'll have pastries. Oh my God. Don't even. She'd take a napkin, put like three or four pastries. She's had me steal them for her. Takes them to the room. She's like, now I have a cookie and a pastry for her to take.

Yeah. I'm like, okay. Remember the last cruise we went on with your parents? Yeah. Your mother had me stealing cookies for her the whole time. I had to get a big stack like this and a napkin in my purse. She keeps them. Ports them.

I got a question. Yeah. Because my dad would do this. If you ever go to hotel rooms with your parents, did they ever just like have a suitcase just for shit that they're going to steal from the hotel room? So this is one of them. My dad took pillows. It's so gross.

That's elite. Pillow. So one of my parents used to tell me this story a lot. My dad used to love telling it that he said one of the first times they were at a hotel together. My mom started taking the towels and putting them in her suitcase and he was like, what are you doing? And she was like, I'm taking the towel.

He goes, you can't do that. And she was like, why? And he goes, because it's their towel. And she goes, they'll get, they have more. And he's like, no, no, this is, it was like a Howard Johnson, you know, he's like, it belongs to them. It's theirs. And she was like, because it's that this, this place is, has money.

Yes. And like, if someplace has money, they can, they can, they don't mind. I don't have, I'm, they're rich. I'm not. So I can take this. And he was like, not having it. So he was like, no. And she was upset that he called her out on stealing.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My mom would make me steal all the time as a kid. Utencils. Utencils. I would steal butter knives from nice restaurants. She'd tell me to put it in my bag or my pocket of stealing sugar.

If we went on a sugar or steal the sugar and she'd make me steal it. Yeah. I was stealing shit all the time. So crazy. She's so, she was really quick. If my mother had just raised me, like as a single mother, for sure I'd be a thief. Criminal. Yeah.

Yeah. I'd be like, oh, you want to know how to sue a motherfucking place, man? Oh my God, right? But first thing you got to do is learn the rules, right? But you know what my mother would do, which is so funny. So Dean would make the money and my mom would get a credit card and go get cash advances out on their mutual accounts and just like hoard cash, their cash. And then like she'd meet me in the bathroom.

Yeah. Like when we all be having dinner, she's like, come meet me in the bathroom. And then she would just hand me like 300 bucks and be like, don't tell anybody. I'm like, what? It was always a big secret, you know? Like and keep this? Yeah. Keep this money.

Keep this money. And then she'd hide money under my name and stuff. Stealing it from my stepdad. It's fucking strange. Stealing it from my stepdad. That was the weirdest part, like he's your husband, you don't have to steal it from me. Right. Yeah.

You guys, both your names are on the accounts, right? Yeah, it's so crazy. Such a weird marriage, but they lasted for 17 years. They're good for each other. It is a long time. They were good for each other. Yeah. They're both psychos and they fit together.

They loved fucking people over together. That was their jam. Yeah. Kind of like our love of, of gross shit, their love was like. This ruined someone's life. Yeah. Rooting people. It's very cool.

It's true. Are you ready? For? I want to laugh. Oh no. Here we go. He's fucked up. Oh, that, that hurts a lot.

I'm not describing it in a dub. Make Tom describe it. This is his favorite song. This dude is hauling ass down the, is that gas powered? Like it, it sounds like an engine is on. Maybe it's another, you know, I mean, I don't know, doesn't it sound like it? Like an electric bike. Like, yes.

I think there's a bike behind it. You know what it is? Maybe that bike was pulling it, disconnected, you know, that the gas, the gas, because it looks like it's, it's going so fucking fast. See? Yeah, you're right. He fuck, his ribs are cracked for sure. Pretty funny.

Yeah. Pretty good. Oh, wow. Let's make some videos. I want to see them. I want to laugh. Show me your boobs. This is bad already.

I can see this. Whoo. Yeah. This is good. This guy's trying to like drift on a bike and you can tell he's not like right away, you can tell he's not like high level at it. Like there's guys that can just do it without even, and he got up like pretty quick there where he's like, I'm all right, but it's probably Tornie's ACL, I'm guessing, yeah.

He flips over the bike. He's lucky dude. I was lucky. Yeah, he's going to have reconstructive knee surgery. Man. That was terrible. Oh, I love these things. Look how strong that fucking thing is.

Cut the shirt. He's got his leg, he's got his leg. He's going to rip that shit off, bro. He's sideways. He's biting, he's going to bite through that now. I didn't know that they were like that they did this. Is this an orangutan? Yeah, this is, we should be close to the non-American zoo.

Obviously. Jesus. Yep. Jesus, I didn't, how strong, could you see how strong orangutans are? Fuck. It's an orangutan, right? It is, yeah. Wait, let's see how he spells orangutan.

Yeah. Go ahead. Oh. Arangutan. Got him. They can lift up to 500 pounds, which is about three times their own body weight. They have almost four times the bite force of a human and only slightly lower than that of a lion.

Around five to seven times stronger than humans. That bite, because it looked like he was getting ready to take a bite out of his leg, out of his knee. Yeah. That's what I wish we would have on video right now. Look how sharp those teeth are. It's no joke. Yeah.

That is no joke. No. Yeah, this is probably like, this started with this guy just being like, hey, let's see what this orangutan is doing. Hey, look. See? He put his hands out. Stupid.

I'd take that fucking shirt off. You probably saw that as a threat, you know? Of course. Fuck. And he's like, get the hell out of here. Almost grabbed the other guy. He didn't like that. He didn't like that.

And he grabs his leg. That's sinister. Yeah. Grabbing his leg. But he's grabbing it with his legs and arms. Yeah. Yeah. He's got four hands.

Hey, man, could you call Kyle real quick? Oh, man, that was real panic in that guy's voice, wasn't it? Yeah. Hey, I have a question. Yeah. Which might be stupid, but I don't care. Yeah. Why?

Because we are from these animals, right? Yeah. Like why don't we have stronger bite power and grip power? Like how do we, we should have evolved with that stuff when we were the awesome predators? Now we would have evolved the other way because life became easier. Easier. You're right. As humans, right?

Tools. Tools, opposable thumbs, weapons, hunting. Man, you know, 200,000 years ago had a 10 times greater sense of smell. You know, could run faster, was probably stronger, like all the things because you needed those. Dude, we're going to evolve into fucking amoebas because we don't use anything anymore. We don't even use a sense of direction. I saw something once that said that, I mean, it's not going to be obviously in our lifetimes, but that we would lose eventually through evolution, pinky toes.

I've heard this. Because you don't even, you know, really, like, yeah. They're at one time going to be to grip or something. I'm using mine right now. Yeah. What's up? What are you typing? No, Chad is laughing still at my Google from earlier at Ship and Space People.

When you guys said we were going to evolve, I was thinking, oh yeah, we're going to evolve into the Wally Ship and Space People. Ship and Space People. Ship and Space People. Iowa. Iowa. Iowa. Wait.

Iowa. In my favorite at lunchtime today. Oh my God. Why don't you tell? It's fucking amazing. He's wearing this shirt that Johnny Pemberton made. Johnny makes these great shirts that are like mega corporations that don't advertise, and he does them in the font or style of a company that does, right?

So he did like Moderna, which does like, you know, the pharmaceutical company. He'll do it in the Metallica font, things like that. So he was wearing one today. I think it was Halliburton. Yeah. And it was done in the Chick-fil-A font, I think. Yeah. Yeah.

And he's wearing these shirts. But what did you, like how did it come to you? I was like, oh yeah, I like this one. And then I also have his Goldman Sachs one. That's done in A. That's done like the Bass Pro Shop. Bass Pro Shop. Bass Pro.

If you like bass guitars, head on over to Bass Pro Shop. Well, okay. And here's the deal. Yeah. They are spelled the same. They are spelled the same. And I, too, am guilty. I thought Smart and Final was like.

Yeah. Also the Final. Also the Final. Okay. So I'm not one to throw stones, but I will say the Bass Pro logo has a big fish in it. Yeah. Has a big bass on it. Yeah.

Big bass. And it's pretty widely known. Right. And we do live in Texas, so you see those Bass Pro shops a lot. You do. I want to go bass fishing pretty soon. Yeah, you should. Yeah.

I have a question for Nadav, actually. Was it that you didn't know that that word was bass or bass? Or do you not know the difference between a bass and a bass? Do you think a bass fish is called a bass fish? No. I know that there's a bass, but it's also kind of like tomato, tomato, you know? It's just like, you know what I'm talking about. No.

Don't really understand the explanation there. Let's get to this next one. Here we go. Oh, fuck. This is going to be bad. This is going to be bad. That was terrible. He's really fucked up.

He is really fucked up. God. So there's a strong man in the competition. It looked like kind of like amateur level. I don't know if I'm wrong, but lifting up those kegs, you know? They do those like keg tosses and keg carries. And he got it on his shoulder and then he just like collapsed under it. I mean, really pulls it up.

Oh, man. And then goes to pick it up. Oh, and he drops it on his leg. That thing. What is it? Where does that weigh? Like, what is a keg weigh? They're heavy as shit when they're full.

They're so fucking heavy. 140 pounds. Yeah. Shit. Yeah. The empty weighs 30. That is, yeah, to drop that on yourself is pretty. That was another funny, funny sketch.

That was the only one that made me sad. The other ones made me laugh. You know, the bike, the donut on the motorcycle and the guy getting eaten by the orangutan was great. That was amazing. I wasn't LOLing, but I was a cool video. Yeah. It's funny.

I saw that video today on Instagram and sent it to Zolo. Oh. And it was already in here. That's so special. Yeah. Synergy. Good job, Zolo. Yeah.

Good work. Yeah. God damn. Yeah, that's pretty great. God, that made me happy. I like seeing animal violence. I think that's my new favorite lane. Yeah.

Is people getting fucked up by animals. You shouldn't mess with animals. You shouldn't. You shouldn't. I don't like it. We started watching Love on the Spectrum, the U.S. one. We just started it. We're not deep into it.

First of all, I think I'm a bigger fan of autism in Australia. Me too. I just, I enjoyed that cast. I did too. But I do like watching that show. It just is sweet, so endearing. You pointed out they're just, they're so vulnerable and they're unaware of like being self-conscious about, you know, your vulnerabilities.

I agree with you, Tom. For some reason, the Australian version was sweeter and more endearing and less like fake produced. The American one, it was like, it's just, it's overproduced and I like, I like really getting into the details of these people. I don't want them feeling like, like they're just ponies, you know, like, what's the weird thing he's into? Like, it felt too exploitive in the U.S. version, more endearing in the Australian.

But I did like their vulnerability. I'd note a spoiler alert. Can I say, well, they're just so open. They're so open with their feelings that like, last night I found myself embarrassed because they were so open and I turned to you and I was like, I'm so embarrassed with the openness of their feelings. I don't think I could be this expressive. And I thank you for that.

I thank you for not being that expressive. I don't want to get to know someone on that level, you know? Keep some shit to yourself. Well, that does, that does kind of, that is the question, you know, is it, am I, should I be more autistic? Or am I shut off? Could I use a dose of autism? Depends on what you mean.

Meaning, should I take a little bit of that, that attunement, emotional attunement and ability to be vulnerable? That's a pretty neat thing. I do wish I had it. I'm a little, I'm a little envious of these. Yeah. I hear you. What?

Nothing. What were you thinking? I was just looking at you, waiting for you to say something else. Well, I was thinking of Solomon. So Solomon's like the cute one. He's very positive and he's like, I'm into a law of attraction and I thought that was really cute. And I liked Solomon with his match.

I forget that. They're all very particular traits, really interesting quirks. Like a lot of times on this show, if you've never watched it, when a person is being introduced on the show, they'll sometimes say this person likes these things and doesn't like these other things. Yeah, I like those. They'll be like very specific things. Like, likes the sound of waterfalls and likes the way velvet feels, doesn't like rock

music. Yeah. Whistling, whatever. Yeah. I do like watching them date and I want, the problem with, it seems to be in dating with autism is that you have such highly specific interests and like, if the person you're dating doesn't share those highly specific interests, then you can't connect because they get really dialed into specific topics and if you're not talking to them about that topic, they're

just not interested. A lot of that. I mean, they call it a spectrum for a reason, right? Yeah. Wide range of people on and not on the show and yeah, it focuses on kind of the ability to connect on a romantic level. They're all trying to find someone to be with. It's very sweet though when it does work out.

Like, there was a really sweet date on the one we watched where on the date, this one right here, on this date, this girl's like, I love you. Like, she just met him. This is a spoiler. It's okay. It's fine. I mean, nobody makes fun of Tom when he gets it away. That's what I was holding back earlier.

I didn't want to spoil it. Oh, really? But if you're saying it, then let's talk about it because I love it. She did that. It was adorable. Yeah. It was adorable. She goes, I'm in love with you.

Yeah. And then they did some real producer shit where he's like, I got to get up. Sometimes on these dates, at least on the Australian version, people get overwhelmed. Yeah. And they're like, I got to go. But it was a little trick, I think, was a little production. I agree. And that's what I don't enjoy about the U.S. version is I don't want to see the producer

trick. I don't need suspense. I'm interested in what it's like to be autistic in date. So show me what really happened in real time. You know, because I'm curious. Like, yeah, why did he get overwhelmed? What about autism makes you overwhelmed? You know, like, I want to learn about it.

So it bums me out when they overproduce this shit. These two are cute. They went on a zoo date and they're looking at all the animals. That was sweet. Yeah. Talking about their favorite animals and shit. Yeah. Very cute.

Very cute. My God, the star of this show is Michael from Australia. He's the best. He's the best. Yeah. He's so cute. I don't think we've finished. We never finished watching season two.

And I think because I got too bummery for me, some of it felt too sad. Really? I get sad for them. I get sad when it doesn't work out. Let me cheer you up. Let me cheer you up. It's always your old mirror saying you get tired of the good ol' boy system. Can you explain that?

Oh, boy. Good. I hope you're not. Because I got a good ol' boy sitting right in front of you talking about nothing from 90F from now on, okay? Not one little flinch. For starters, I'm serious. When I tell you, we're going to have that chat with some people back in Nebraska next week,

right, chief? You're going to give me a chance, right? I'm serious when I tell you, we're going to have that chat with some people back in Nebraska next week, right, chief? You're going to give me a chance, right? If you're even flinch, guess what? That badge is coming off him, too. You cannot stop him.

Mister, shut your mouth. We're talking, okay? Shut your mouth. Shut up. Okay, so wait, wait, wait, wait. Come on. Tell you shut up. We're talking.

Stop. Go ahead. Nice. I mean, this is the gift that just keeps on giving. Fed smoker, excuse me, Herc, is talking to the mayor and the entire city. Look at the counselor, Mahler, to the left. He's like, morning. They've never seen anything like this.

Then you don't realize there's an audience behind him. There's like 15 people, including the chief of police, I think. And he tells them if they flinch, there's going to be a problem. And if the cop flinches, there's going to be a badge coming off. And everybody's like, what the fuck? And then he tells somebody else on the city council to shut up. Oh, God. Dude, he thinks he's in a Burger King right now, like the way he's treating himself.

No, he's crazy. He's fully tweaked right now. Got his shades on. Oh, my God. He's got his camera on them and he faces it to himself and, man. You see how bored the sheriff was? He's like, yeah, fucking this guy. He's like, I've dealt with these types before.

Fucking crazy. Yeah. Anything will be addressed to me. I'm talking to you. There will be no personal attack. No, there is none. I'm talking to the facts. Before I leave, before I leave, I got one of those present.

Okay, this is it. This is how my work goes. Ready for this? Just laugh. I'm used to cops being a poo poo. I'll kill you, business. You hear that? You hear that?

I'll kill you, business. Better not have been taping. I'll kill you. I'll kill you. See, I'm used to cops talking about killing me and putting guns in my head and stuff. It drives me, marries me. It drives me right to hell in prison, brother. I'll put you there to tighten up your game and come around my car with my horse.

You guys want to come and square it in some record? Chief, I'm open all day long. I'll put you in prison, brother. I'll put you there for the rest of your lives, okay? That was rad. See how it looks on their faces? It's like a Cullen Brothers movie. That was thoroughly engaging.

I was thoroughly into this movie. Man, that would have been the shit to be in that room. Yeah, he talked about prison. He's like, you want to fucking... And he started to walk towards the cops saying that shit at the end there. That was fucking rad. Oh, man. Everybody misses her so much.

Tighten up your game. Tighten up your game. My horse? You guys want to come and square it in some record? Chief, I'm open all day long. I'll put you in prison, brother. I'll put you in prison, brother, to that chief. Whoo!

I mean, if that doesn't get you fucking fired up, I don't know what the hell you can. I'll get you my camera through the fence, you faggot. Yeah. Amen. Shout out to Herc. Oh, it was terrible. It was really upsetting. I thought that was great.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Huh? Huh? What'd you say? Nothing. Yeah, I'll put you in prison, too. Same kind of energy here, you know?

What's up? Last chance, asshole. Well, we're servicing about 25% of the community. Get the fuck out of my neighborhood. It's 8.30 at night, and it's too late to be made in Darbell. Hey, don't go the fuck home. Hey, don't touch me. Go fucking home!

Boy. Is that rad? You're not touching me. I will fuck you up. I will sue you. Go ahead. Okay. Get the fuck out of my neighborhood.

Hey, hey, don't fucking touch me. Hey, don't touch me. Hey, get out of here, dude. You cannot touch me. I'm calling. Hey! Call them. Call anybody.

I will call them. Call your reinforcer. Dude, you're fucking crazy. Hey, you're crazy, man. Get out of my neighborhood. Get the fuck off me. Get the fuck off me. Tell me who you are.

I'm fucking Eco Shield, dude. Get off of me. Hey. Get out of here. Get off of me, dude. Wow. Yeah, cool. Yeah.

The doc said he thinks that that could be me. Yeah. In a few years. Five more years. I see you like that. Yeah. What? I could see it.

Like, look, you're not there now. No. You know? But like two, three years from now? Definitely. This guy? Let's say some kid rolls up on our, I mean someone rolls up on our children. Would you?

This guy just came out of his house because this guy's, he's working in the neighborhood. He's the Eco Shield guy. Oh. He wasn't doing anything. Door to door sales. Someone's kid. That like knocked on your door at 8.30 p.m. Like that.

Too late. That'd roll you up, right? I don't think like this. But it would roll you up. Too late. 8.30 is too late. I mean. I don't even like when Amazon ding dongs at 8.

I'm like, what are you fucking crazy? Get out of here. I don't think I'd love it. But I don't think I'd be like, what the fuck? I'll beat your ass if you fucking. I'm out of here. Where's your car? Huh?

Where's your car? It's coming. It's coming. My own protection. Do not come back near my house. That is assault, sir. Do not come near my house. That is assault.

I will assault you. Okay. That's nothing. Okay. That is a threat. Yeah. Okay. It is a threat, asshole.

All right. Can you go to his page? Rick Drip Player? It looks like the, I think that's the person who filmed it. Yeah. If anybody knows what happened to Rick Drip Player with the full story, I'd love to know. I really would. I feel like it'd be fucking amazing to know.

I do feel this way when people are in my neighborhood at night, when the sun is going down, go fuck yourself. Don't knock on my door. Don't knock on my door. Why are you knocking on my door? I know. For anything anymore. This is not the time of door knocks anymore.

Yeah. Don't fucking call me. Don't knock on my door, homie. Don't deliver no fucking package and don't knock on my fucking door when you're delivering the package. That makes me crazy. Yeah. When they ding dong and leave the package.

Don't worry about it. I'm just going to bark. I know you're fucking here. I know. Too late. I mean, there's just a time where you shouldn't be doing that. Also too early is fucking wild too. Oh.

Amazon the other day wanted to come in at like 7 a.m. I was like, dude. Come on, man. Come on. Let people get their day started. Okay. Did you hear the storm this morning, storm dad? A little bit.

A little bit. There was. There was, I heard thunders. I don't know. Oh, I thought you'd be excited. I didn't really hear it that well. Maybe I was just tired. Yeah.

You remember, of course. Machines were thin. Machines were thin. They got a gun. They got a gun. Yeah. I got a gun. Terminator gun.

Yeah. Machines were thin. Machines were thin. T-16. T-16. T-16. T-16. 100%.

T-16. T-16. Machines were thin. Machines were thin. Just a great, great original song. Greatest rapper of all time. Sometimes we get updates on what he's up to. Oh, man.

Blah, blah, blah. Blip-dee, blip-dee, blah, blah, blah. Blip-dee, blip-dee, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up, everyone in the dark? The blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm that vampire one. I'm the lonesome one.

You got that ghost shot. I'm shining as day one. You'll be interested to find out who's a better speller, him or Nadav. Because I think he doesn't really have a rich vocabulary, but I wonder if he's a better speller than Nadav, you know? I'll take him on. I'll put money on it. Yeah, yeah, okay.

I'm getting on that action. But you got to give him the same hard words that you give me. Oh, yeah. I wonder how he spells ayahuasca. It would be pretty wild. Yeah. So is that juggalo makeup or crow makeup? It kind of feels like he's just doing his own version of his joker makeup, you know?

Oh, joker. I mean, I guess it's makeup, right? So it kind of probably... I think I recall him being a hatchet man, a juggalo. He is a juggalo, but is that juggalo makeup? Because it feels like very joker-esque, right? With the smile up. It's versatile for sure.

Yeah. It's cool as fuck. Let's just say that. It is cool. And you know what I like the theme of this one? Because it's darker than before. What I like about him is he always goes dark, but not depressing. There's always, you feel the heaviness in his content.

Yes, very heavy. Yeah. And I like that he's still at it. I mean, I think he needs to step up product, like putting out more content, because that's the way you get better, is you just keep trying. Oh, right. Don't give us these fucking three-year windows. Yeah, like I want to hear a song a week, I would say.

Bro, we do a podcast every week. Yeah. Step it up. Step it up too. So like for this, for practicing all my music. Okay. Bro, I'm practicing some of my music. Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Rock and roll. Yeah, yeah. Rock and roll. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rock and roll. Yeah, yeah. You got that groß trap. You got that ghost trap. Trying to work on my song. Trying to work on my song, making my shine. Making my shine, y'all. Making my shine, y'all.

Blah, blah, blah. I liked it. Very cool. I really enjoyed it. I would, one thing I would say is maybe turn down the TV in the background before you start your reps. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. You want audio to be clean. Yeah. Otherwise, I liked everything about it. Unless, you know, unless it's part of the mission. Unless. Oh, like you say like it's a sample. Oh, I mean, just like it's part of the sound you're going for.

Right. Like you're sampling. Yeah. Oh, it's like old TVs playing. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think somebody like him likes chaos, you know. Yeah. That look is very.

Blah, blah. Chaotic. Blah. Yeah. Okay. Well, a lot happened today. That's for sure. God, we learned so much.

Fuck. We learned about bass pro shop. The glove is back. The glove is back. That's exciting. Most important. It's also funny. Videos, perks, probably maybe the most surprising and credible video ever.

Hold on. But before we go, may I please tell you my Pajitski effect that I had. Yeah, of course. This is so fucking R worded. Are you ready? Yeah. So I recently got into eye masks, meaning I sleep with them when it's bright in hotel rooms.

Fantastic. I just started. I know I'm a big fan. Right. I just started 40 own that too. 45 years of my life. I never wore one. Now, when I get on airplanes, I like to, I like, I don't like when people leave the shades

up. So I'll wear my sunglasses. The sunglasses are often tight, making my head hurt by the end of like a three hour flight. It's like pushing in. Guess what I could do on a flight. What? I could wear my, you know what, what do they just call them?

Sleep mask. Yeah. Sleep mask on the airplane. I could wear a sleep mask on an airplane to take a nap. Yeah. I've done it many times. Right. I've never even, I never conceived of it.

No. You're like, I wear sunglasses. I wear sunglasses because it's the daytime. That's a nighttime activity. Biggie. Yeah. A fucking idiot. Fully talked.

Fully talked. Yeah. That being said, come see me do stand up guys. Washington DC, the DC improv, July 15th and 16th, July 29th and 30th and Manfred Disco at Cogs Comedy Club, July 30th. I'm sorry, 31st one night in Seattle at the Neptune Theater, Cleveland, Ohio, August 12th and 13th. Minneapolis Tits, August 26th and 27th, one night only in Brooklyn at the Bell House,

Zanies in Nashville in October, and then Jewdork titties at Carolines in November. ChristinaPeeOnline.com for tickets. Thank you. I will be at Ball Arena, July 24th in Denver, Colorado. It's my second show there. I added Australia, New Zealand dates. Four international days coming, a bunch of shows that are on sale all over the country. Go to TomSugar.com slash tour.

Thanks so much. Thanks for everybody getting the book. Really appreciate it. We will be back next week. Have a great week. Bye, Gene. See you, mommy. This is my struggle.

I don't care about anything at all, but ChristinaPee, tongue in your mouth sounds. I don't care about anything at all, but ChristinaPee, tongue in your mouth sounds. I don't care about anything at all, but ChristinaPee, tongue in your mouth sounds. I don't care about anything at all, but ChristinaPee, tongue in your mouth sounds. I don't care about anything at all, but ChristinaPee, tongue in your mouth sounds. I don't care about anything at all, but ChristinaPee, tongue in your mouth sounds. I don't care about anything at all, but ChristinaPee, tongue in your mouth sounds. I don't care about anything at all, but ChristinaPee, tongue in your mouth sounds.

I don't care about anything at all, but ChristinaPee, tongue in your mouth sounds.