Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 676 - Matt Braunger - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 5, 2022

Check out Matt Braunger's new comedy special on October 6 at https://www.moment.co/mattbraunger It's another high and tight week with Tom Segura and Christina P! We discuss if it's ok to hit someone, refusing to acknowledge cool parts of town, and we have some corrections and omissions about the mess on Garth Brooks' plane. Christina has an epiphany about fitness, Tom shares the Sober October rules, how terrible low calorie snacks are, and wash cloths.We then welcome back OG guest, podcaster and comedian, Matt Braunger! Go check out his new comedy special "Doug" at https://www.moment.co/mattbraunger! They talk about cringey rich people, how TV executives make terrible decisions, and getting even with terrible comedy club owners. They trade stories from their standup careers, watch horrible or hilarious clips, and Christina's latest curations of TikToks. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

When I see something like this, this is why America's funniest home videos will always be the funniest show of all time. The best. We might have talked about this because I could see a man on top of a barn on a pair of stilts. And I know he's gonna be okay. I can already start laughing. Yeah. On your show, I can't. That's...

This man might die. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Speaking of cocks, I ain't feeling like this, you like those uncircumcised cocks as I recall? Yeah, sure. Yeah. Beautiful. They taste good.

They got to come in those walls. They stabbed but crushed and crushed economy in those walls. Yeah, you like uncircumcised guys as I recall, right? That is a stupid question to ask a guy. Is there a camera in those boxes? Of course there is. I like how he asks like a sommelier who is familiar with your preferences at wine. He is like, as I recall, you are a fan of a Sera Malbec blend.

Of course there is cum in those bowls. Yeah, there sure is. That is what they are there for. That is what they are there for. Cum, cum in your nuts. Cum in your jeans. Cum in your jeans. How are you doing, Jean?

Good. You were in Manada. I was. Toronto. Toronto and Montreal. And Windsor, Ontario, the most, my favorite place. That was a while ago. That was a minute, yeah.

Yeah, that was a few weeks ago. Yeah. But Toronto and Montreal fucking top tier, man. Top tier. Did you dare? Best of the best. To have poutine. I actually did but I requested, I said, can I get Norm Summerton's special French Canadian poutine?

And that person was like, I am not a familiar with Norm Summerton. And I was like, you know, imagine a pig with tits. And they were like, I'm sorry. And I go, you know, a pig with tits that shits and pisses in its own food. And they were like, go away, America. Yeah. So unfortunately I didn't get the special poutine. Yeah.

I got the regular stuff, you know. That sucks. Imagine a pig with tits. There he is. There he is. French Canadian poutine fries. Dude, that should, it's so good though. It is.

And especially if you got some booze in your belly. Yeah. Oh my God. You know, something that stops that stuff greasy, heavy. Now it's, it's, it's French Canadian. So it's, it must be the mixture of the things the Canadians love and the French as well. Well, the specifically the French Canadians. Yes.

Right. Yeah. Right. Cheese curds. Cheese curds, gravies. Got little pigges there on top and. That cheese is so good. Yeah.

Dude, that shits the best, dude, bro. Fries, if they're kind of like basted fries, you know, have that crispiness too. That's, yeah. That's decadent. You know what I do love is a truffle fry as well. You offer me that in this. Oh yeah. Truffle fries.

Yeah. Excellent. Trouble with anything. So damn good. So goddamn good. Thank you truffles. I really like that. Man, we got some great stuff today.

So many things to go over. You want to, you want to start the show? Yeah. All right. Here's your opening clip and here you go. What's going on, motherfuckers? When the fuck did it become okay for fucking women to fucking punch and push and slap around their fucking boyfriends?

When did that become a fucking thing? And before you fucking crazy ass women, send me fucking messages. Hear me out. Cause some of you got little boys might end up wanting these goofy fucking bitches. You don't have a right to put a hand on no fucking man. Unprovoked. Like if the man puts hands on you first, that's one thing. But you don't have a right just cause you're fucking pissed off or got daddy issues or

on your fucking period to put hands on another fucking person. Preach. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving you. On your fucking period. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Christina Mouset.

Welcome to your mom's fucking house. Bitch. Uh, uh. Yeah, meow. Whoop whoop. Whoop whoop. Um, yeah dude this dude is rad. He is rad.

I like him but I do feel like one. Speaking big facts right now. Big facts. The thing is though I do feel like when a woman is on her period she should be allowed to do whatever she wants. Whatever she wants. Yeah. That's kind of a broad statement.

It is a moment. A moment. Of temporary insanity. It legit like. Remember? It's not a moment. It's a moment. A moment.

It could be three days. It could be. That's not a moment. People are like, you remember that moment? Three complete days? Yeah. So you think in that period, the period of the period that she's allowed to hit somebody? Well I think day one.

Yeah. Just when you start to bleed yeah you should be allowed to do whatever you want. Whatever you want. Say and do whatever you please. Okay. Well it's so, it literally is the temporary insanity. Sure. At least for me I feel like I'm possessed by the devil.

Yeah but you haven't assaulted anybody in the time that I've known you. I've wanted to. That's different. I know. I've restrained myself. That's what you're supposed to do. Yeah. But I don't want to.

Yeah but you just said that you think people should be allowed to hurt. They should be allowed to hurt. And then you can get the period defense. Yana! I was on the rag. And then you get off of it. Yeah. Alright.

I'm back. Just because you're fucking pissed off or got daddy issues or on your fucking period. Yeah. Have you ever been hit by a woman? Like a sister? Well yeah. And then I also had like, I had this woman one time that I went to high school with who came to a show, you know, 20 years later and you know, people, people's changes.

People changes. Yeah. And she was now a pretty substantially large individual. But you know, it's fine. During the show, as many people do, she got hammered. Yeah. And sometimes when, you know, we had like, we were high school buddies, like friends. Mm-hmm.

You know, a lot of playful rapport. And I start joking with her after the show. Mm-hmm. And she took an open hand and like hit me in the chest so fucking hard. I mean, it felt like, it felt like a grown trucker did it to me, right? Like I was like, I was like, holy shit. You know, and she, and then she was like barking off and you could see that like the alcohol, you know, that does it.

Yeah. I have a, and actually a relative one time who punched me in the back of the head of female. What? And I saw Rhett, I saw visions of death. I mean, I stood up and her friend was like, oh, you know, I was like, did you see what she just did? Like she grabbed the back of my, I had hair at the time and hit me in the back of the head.

And I was like, and so I get that like, if you get, but I mean, I didn't, I didn't hurt her. I didn't. Which you wanted to. Oh my God. I wanted to fucking kill her. But I feel like in that, in that time, you should, you should be allowed to have your man period and hit her back.

That's what he's saying. Yeah. That's what he's, I mean, I think he goes off. I agree with him, because I'm saying it's good logic. And if you decide to go ahead and put hands on another fucking person and that person happens to punch you right in your fucking mouth, you don't have a right to go out and fucking play victim about it. Keep your fucking hands yourself.

That's something you should have learned in fucking about the age of two years old for Christ's sake. Hey, I got a daughter myself. I flew halfway across the country to beat the fuck out of somebody, put hands on her, but also a razor. If you put hands on somebody first, don't call me if they put hands on you back. Keep your fucking hands yourself. Yeah.

I mean, look, I like the guy a lot. You know. You know, I understand. I feel men do like in that, in both those situations, I showed restraint. Yes. Like these two women hit the fuck out of me and I was like, what are you doing? Crazy dude. But I think it's the natural thing is that you know you're the, you're the bigger species

in the two, in the thing. So you, you hold back. But I also look if some, if, if I had seen what happened to me to somebody else and I had seen the guy retaliate, I wouldn't think it's crazy. I wouldn't think it's a crazy thing. You're within your rights. Yeah. You just can't hit her super hard.

You can't hit her. That's the thing that's hard to do. Yeah. Is to not. Like the Sean Connery. Her fucking face in. The Sean Connery slap. Yeah.

Sometimes bitches get hysterical. Yeah. Yeah. You gotta regulate a little. Well, he was talking more. I think also Sean was of a time, what's going on with you? You're still doing the audio thing? Talk a little bit.

Cause I feel like I hear you louder than I hear my own voice. Like when you talk, it's louder. And when I talk, it's not as loud. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Nope. Does that make sense to you guys? No.

You sound like a woman that needs to get checked right now. I mean, is it, do you need, do we need to take a break? Do you need to fix this or not? What do you, is it? And just not. It's okay. I mean, what you just described is impossible. Is impossible.

Yeah. Then it's just me. Oh, okay. I could just be hard of hearing. Maybe just mess around with the volume knobs. Yeah. That's what I'm doing. I'm finding the right place for myself.

That's all it is. Okay. Damn it. How do you get a job here? Your fuck face. So mad. God. Yeah.

Tom. You're behaving perfectly for this segment. Yeah. How many times have you wanted to hit me, but restrain yourself? I think that's a fair question. Because you never have, you know, except for the time you push me down the stairs. But every other time you, what? Yeah, no.

You didn't push me down the stairs. And I told the EMT guy. Unbelievable. No, but seriously, like how, and be honest with me, like how often do I angry you to the point where you're like, I could fucking hit this woman. Not often. Not often. No.

A handful of times in the last 17. Oh, see your eyelids twitching right now. I can, the under eyelids twitching. I can see it. Yeah. That's nothing to do with the question. No. No.

You don't think it's bothering you? No. But the answer is, yeah, a handful of times, of course, wanted to throw you off a balcony. Sure. Yeah. That's how you would have done it. Just throw me off of something high. Or did you want to actually like break my neck or punch me in the stomach?

Which time? Whenever you felt the angriest. I mean, I'm sure it's, you know, I've had all kinds of visions of violence, of course. Yeah. Yeah. I'm saying which one excites you the most? I don't know. A rock to the head or like, you know, shoving you down, you know, like I said.

Yeah. Like off a cliff or something like that. Yeah. Oh, you want to see the violence, the rock. Well, who doesn't want to see the violence? Me. Like so, because I've thought about how I would kill you. Yeah.

I would do it where I would accidentally mix two, two common drugs. Oh, oh, oh, oh. I feel like. You do the oopsie. Oh, no. He took too much of this and he mixed it with that. That's how you do it? Well, yeah.

Cause I can't, I'm not physically stronger than you. I have to be sneakier than you. Yeah. That's true. Women have to be sneaky. That's true. That's true. Yeah.

Or I could hire somebody, but that's too traceable. Yeah. No, that always goes wrong. Yeah. No. Yeah. I mean, I've had thoughts of, you know, tire iron, all the old Bundy way back of the head. That has to feel unbelievable.

Yeah. Yeah. To watch a head splatter open. Well, just to. Oh my God. So good. Just to be like, I'm having a good day. And you know.

Yeah. Like the, just the turnaround moment. Yeah. Oh, the surprise. And then the moaning. Mm. Mm. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. That's cool, babe. You okay? I didn't see that thing either.

And you're like, what was that? You see how happy he is? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that would cheer you right up. That was her. See? Brighten my day.

Yeah. See, you went from wanting to kill me to laughing about it. Yeah. See? Yeah. But I mean, the truth is, you know, I haven't wanted to kill you that many times. Okay. Probably.

That's nice. Seven. Seven. Seven over 17 years isn't terrible. Yeah. How much is the average once every two or three years you want to kill me? That's not that bad. That's not that bad.

That's not that bad at all. Look at marriage. Okay. Can I tell you something? What? We didn't talk about it, but I went to Jewdork titties. And I'm still so excited about my trip there. I saw Agent Jeans.

Yeah. And I love the lunacy of that city. Like, I was just walking down the street and this dude was stretching. This black guy was stretching. And he just looked at me and he went, but a bang. And I was like, I missed that shit. Yeah. That's real New York.

Some fucking guy stretching, being like, hey, but a bow. Just a psycho. I loved it. Fun crazy. Yeah. I did my show in Brooklyn. Thank you to people who came to that. It was amazing.

And I stayed in Williamsburg because the venue was there. Yeah. And maybe we could explore this together. Sure. But I've not been to Williamsburg in 20 years, right? I had a friend who lived there 20 years ago. OMG Maria lived there. OMG Maria lived there.

She lived there, yeah. And so everybody was like, well, this bag is like so cool. It's like so cool. Yeah. But can I tell you something? Yeah. I deny Williamsburg's coolness. Wow.

Fuck you, Williamsburg, because I know you. I know who you are. I knew you when you were Polish sausage in the windows and nobody fucking spoke English and Green Point and everybody was Polish. Like that to me was cool. I don't give a fuck if there's a whole foods or a gap. And in fact, I was so hostile towards the idea of Williamsburg being cool that I refused to explore it.

I refused to walk around and acknowledge it. Can I say something? Yeah. You showed them. Yeah. They have learned their lesson. Do you think that Williamsburg has learned now? I think so.

I think they're all right now being like fuck. She doesn't think I'm cool. You know, the thing about one of places, it is a little bit. What's wrong with me though? No. You know what I think it is? Is that you don't want to adapt to the change. I don't like it.

You don't like the change because for you, it was comfortable just to go to Manhattan and then have that be the place to go. Yeah. And then over these last 20 years, people have been like, no, no, the place that goes actually over this bridge. And you're like, fuck that. I already know this place. I'm sort of the same way.

I never leave Manhattan. Yeah. Why would I leave Manhattan? I mean, I've gone to Brooklyn four or five times. I mean, I did a show there. I did Kings, but like when I stay, I don't stay there. Yeah. I stay downtown because it's what I'm familiar with and I don't really want to change that.

And the furthest north, I go to Midtown for like briefly and then I always go back downtown. That's your jam. It's just what I know and that's what I like. Yeah. But I'm angry at it. Why am I mad? Don't tell me what's going on. Because there also is a cool shit happening that you're like, you know, you're just aging.

And the cool kids really are in Williamsburg. Well, here's, Yana, here's why I don't think so. I think the cool kids were in Williamsburg 20 years ago. That's a good point. It's sort of like maybe a lot like the Silver Lake argument in Los Angeles. Thank you. Because Silver Lake was like hipsters and like there's cool shit. And then people with money started to move in there, kind of hipsters that succeeded.

Yeah. And have transformed Silver Lake into, it still has like some dingy stuff. Some cred, but. But it's pretty nice and refined now. So that's what I'm saying. So it's not, you know, it's gentrified, I guess, right? Right, because with these hip neighborhoods, you're supposed to live in when you're poor and you're struggling and you're actually cool and creative.

And like real artists. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then when you make your money, like there was a point where you and I were about to have these and we lived in Silver Lake and I was in Trader Joe and I was like, if I see another fucking 38 year old guy with a meshback cap and a skateboard in his hand, I'm going to fucking vomit because it's time to grow the fuck up and go live in the suburbs in age. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? And I also like, yes, like don't go back and don't go into Williamsburg. It did feel. Don't fuck it up for like the young. It does feel like I felt. You know, I was a like struggling comic like you and we're in Silver Lake, this east side, Los Angeles neighborhood kind of hipsters. I never was a hipster, but it felt, you know, kind of like you fit in because you're of

the right age group and you're trying to make it in a, you know, an art field. Yeah. And then when, I don't know, when you, there was like a certain age where I was like, oh, I think I've outgrown. I'm too old. Yeah, too old. And I'm. Get the fuck out.

I'm not artsy enough, you know, to, to, this isn't the right place anymore. Yeah. I always thought it was funny to, to, to see, you know, the 42 year old hipster and his wife with their kids in like this, like hipsterish neighborhood. And you're like, this is, okay, this is what you want to do. I know it's. Make sure you stay cool. Stay cool.

You're not cool. You're not cool, man. No, you're done being cool. And that's fine. I know. And you can't tell that guy he's not cool. He doesn't accept it. And also, I don't like it.

I don't like it when they tell me what neighborhoods are cool. Yeah. It's like in LA when they tried to make North Hollywood, the know-how arts district. That was hilarious. You're like, motherfucker, this is, this is the valley. There's no arts in the valley. You come here to make pornography and live cheaply in the suburbs. Yeah.

You get meth there and. Yeah. You get robbed and. Yeah. There's nothing. There's nothing like that, like sex, like North Hollywood sexy. Yeah. It was so bad.

There was nothing in North Hollywood that made it sexy. Yeah. Nothing. There's like a hot dog stand. There's some, you know, studios are there kind of, but that's it. Look at Nadav. Wait. He, Nadav, no, I grew up in the neighborhood.

It is no-how arts district. It's cool now. What is already about North Hollywood? Back when we lived, back when we were in LA, it was on the up and coming. When I lived there, it certainly wasn't cool, but right now it's cool. What's cool about North Hollywood? They got that hot dog place that you talked about. There is a lot of blossoming artists that are moving over there and doing art and stuff.

Okay. But the rent is so high still in North Hollywood. I think it's like lower than, you know, the other places around town, but it's definitely, definitely a lot cooler now than what you think. Cause I used to think it wasn't cool either, but now. It's pretty cool. Super cool. It's also true for areas of Long Beach.

Long Beach is cool. They actually have like very cool shit going on. Seriously. Yeah. Got like very trendy. Not the whole entire city. The LBC. But there's areas of it that are very cool.

Yeah. It happens, man. You know, all that's happening to you right now is you're just getting old. Just getting old. I'm getting old. Yeah. I deny you. I deny you.

You know what I really like? Just got to give it to the kids. Be like, go ahead kids, have your fun. Enjoy whole foods and your fucking Lulu lemon. Oh, you're so cool now. Who cares? You know what though? I do want to become a New Yorker just so I can talk about streets and neighborhoods.

You know how they're like, it's on 91 in Lex. Yeah. Like I like, I want to know what, what the D train and the, you got to take the BQE or like I want to know how to talk like that. Yeah. That would be really neat. This is a mission of yours. That's one of my bucket list things.

Understand street names of New York City. Yeah. And how to navigate public transportation and how like, hey, you want to go uptown? This is the best way to do that or whatever. That's a dream of mine. That and like the London Tube, I'd like to learn and I want to see the Aurora Borealis. Those are my things right now that I want to work on. You haven't taken the tube?

I've taken the tube in London, but I want to like know that one way better. Oh, okay. Cause I like that one. That's kind of neat. Well, you already know a 124th and 1st Avenue wagon house apartment in T.C. Spanish Harlem. That's so crazy. And by the way, the dichotomy is it's pretty, I was driving into Brooklyn and I was like,

Jesus Christ, this looks like fucking Lithuania. Like it's bombing out. It looks like shit. And then two seconds later, you're like, Williamsburg target or whatever. Do you remember? Cause I remember Louis's reaction when we told him where, where RPC lives. He was like, he was like, wow, up there. Oh God.

It's like, it's so bleak. It's like 1972. He lives there. It was like a immediate reaction. And it was because he actually knew those cross streets. That's what I'm saying. That's the kind of referential knowledge I would like to have of Jewdork titties where they're like 93rd, 1st Avenue, 5th and you're like, oh, I know.

I get it. It sounds cool. Yeah. It sounds cool to say those things. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I guess it's like, we know our freeways, the Angelenos. We always talk in freeway.

You take the 405, the 110, the 210 with the guy. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. You know what makes me crazy here in Austin though? What? When people are like, I'll be like, oh, I took my kids to fucking Chuck E. Cheese or whatever. And I'm like, oh, is that off of 9275?

And I'm like, I don't fucking know where anything is yet. Don't ask me that shit. I still have the geographical knowledge of a tourist here. I don't know fucking anything. Anything. It's terrible. You take the loop, take the one loop. I don't know when I took.

I followed the directions. That's all I do too. Yeah. This is stupid. Yeah. It's fucking stupid. Fucking dumb fucking fuck that I am. Fuck you Williamsburg.

God. I know you Williamsburg. You fuck. Yeah. Hello there. Hello. How are you? How are you doing today?

I'm fine. How about for yourself? Oh man. I'm doing lovely. Here's the foot again. Wow. Like not a lot phases me that phase. Yeah.

What was that? Lymphedema. Yeah. Cause when I was pregnant with my first and I gained 80 pounds from eating in and out and Carl's junior. Yeah. I had, I had a lot of swelling. Not like that.

No, not like that. Apparently it says that he's trying to bring lymphedema. Am I saying it right? Awareness. Yeah. Yes. Lackadema. Lackadema.

Yeah. And he's got a really very disturbingly swollen foot. That's a lot of fluid to retain. Yeah. And he has it's talking to you. He's like, hello little foot. I don't really feel like it's an awareness video. As this says it is.

I feel like it. He needs to massage that the lymph out. Yeah. The fluid. You know, he just needs someone to rub those tootsies a little bit. God damn it. That's gnarly dude. I feel like I gotta put something else on that screen.

Okay. Hey Instagram. I brand new. Never freaking been on ever before. And if you get me driving home, you're in the nature. I'm curious about her. So curious. Yeah.

I saw her account and she's, she's like, I'm new to Instagram. I think she has three videos, but I want to know the story. There's so much happening. There's a lot happening. She's in, as she said, Mesa, I think is that it's in Arizona. It looks like she's driving in the desert. She has pretty wild dental history. And she does the, I, I tuck my snot rag in my bra strap, which is what I've been doing

my whole life too. So she knows that trick. And my guess would be this is drug related. Yeah. But I'll tell you something. I saw something on her page. I'll tell you what it says. You found this check?

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Go ahead and hit that. That's not her. That might be her. Yeah. That's her right there.

So scroll up. This says help this poor lady. Oh. So if you go to the go fund me, can you, can you bring that to get the confidence to smile at my father? Okay. Let's see what it says here. Make that bigger.

Well, my name is Christian and I'm terrified to see my father or him to see me with the lack of teeth. I dread my father having to walk me down the aisle to my fiance standing at the altar, looking at the repulsive embarrassment that is my smile. My teeth have kept me from getting hired cause a lot of people treat me differently. So it really affected the way I see myself. Worst of all, my smile keeps me from seeing my dad. I plan to get full dentures.

Please make this happen. Well, what? Where? What's your, what's your look for? Nothing. This is a very cool go fund me. What do you mean? No, what say what you're thinking.

I just, this is very cool. I think we should help her. That's not what you're thinking though. What are you actually thinking? I don't understand. It's just, like I hope she gets help. That's why you're smiling? What is he doing?

I don't know. Why are you being evasive? I'm not being evasive. I'm just like, did you already see this go fund me before? No. Oh, okay. No, I'm learning of it right now. Oh, okay.

Yeah. So, I still don't know what he's doing. Send her a message. Ask her to come on the podcast. Tell her we want to talk to her. And then I will tell her something about if she does the podcast with us. Sounds good. You got it.

That's it. Yeah. I don't know. I did not see this before. All I saw was that video and like Christina said, there's a lot going on in that video. There's so much to break down. There's a lot to ask. Yeah.

Why do you live in the middle of the desert and what are you driving? Is this a golf cart? Those are two of the questions. Yeah. Well, that alone, I'm like, is she a burning man? I didn't know. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. All right. You can take that down. Thank you. That would be great. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty.

Oh, oh my God. Do you remember the Garth thing? Do I? The whole world remembers the Garth thing. So. This is changing the media. I don't see Garth thing in here. Am I missing this?

Okay. But for people that don't know, though, we need to have the, yeah. So we've had an email and a follow-up email about Garth's jet being, it was at, I think, at the hangar in Nashville. And the dude that cleaned it was like, oh, there's a huge fucking shit stain and there's like brown shit on the carpet. And we've tried to clean it. Didn't even come up.

Then he said, you know, they're actually not great about paying the bills. And they don't, if they want you to like do this for them and like all this stuff where you're just like, what the fuck are you talking about? And, you know, the details of it are, here, I'll see if I can. Okay. So there you go. Look at this. Like that's on the outside of the toilet.

And look at the brown. Look at that. So much brown. So much brown. Yeah. I mean, it looks like somebody actually exploded inside, right? Yeah. Like they diarrhea browned everywhere.

Yep. So anyway, we got a follow-up from him. And then, all of a sudden this message comes in. It just says, hey, the video and information about Garth's jet was untrue. Oh. This is what this person. Yeah. I worked for a cleaning service in Nashville but never cleaned Garth's jet.

I was sued by my boss for loss of business. I did not mean for that content to be published. Please take it down. It really is all a lie. I would have no way of knowing if Garth paid for a cleaning or not. Don't really have any money to my name would really reduce my chances of being sued if the YMH clip episode was taken down. I don't even, I'm not exactly sure what he's asking.

But we definitely put it out there that all that's not true. Garth pays his bills. Of course. And didn't shit all over his bathroom floor in his jet. Of course not. And Miss Yerwood probably didn't either. Never. Even though she looked like she could take a hefty shit.

So let it be known. They pay their bills. They pay their bills. And this is, you know, I'm sure everything is up to snuff there. You smelt it here first. That's right, Tom. So we're just making the what's important important. And you guys know.

I just wanted to make that clear. We both started today without, we got up and we did fitness. We made an astonishing observation. Okay, okay. Hold on. Because we got up. Yeah. Kiddos go to school.

Yeah. And then we have a hour and a half, two hours before we then have to get in the car and come here to the office. We both did our separate fitness routines in the car. You made a mind blowing observation. Would you like to share it with the audience? I would like to share that, Tom. Well, first of all, let me point out that I've been in a fitness group with these women

every day. I walk 10,000 steps every day. I watch my diet and I, I work out twice a week. So that being said, and I'm, I feel like nobody's really said this before. Ever. But fitness really makes you feel better. And like, it really works. You know what I mean?

Yes. I mean, I know it's also so stupid. HBO has a new show called Game of Thrones that is fucking phenomenal. You guys should check it out. Here's the deal. It's like, I've always, like I've done, I've done stuff like Pilates a week or something, but I've never done 10,000 steps a day and then worked out on top of it. And your workouts are with like the ladies coaches you guys online.

Yes. And has bands and all this, right? You get in like planks and push-ups and all this different routine. She's amazing. Right. So one of the things I've, I've observed about you. Oh no. I'm so scared of what your name is.

No. When it comes to fitness, you're like, I've showed you like, I try this and you go, that doesn't feel good. And I go, well, yeah, it's not a massage. This is a workout. And you're like, yeah, but it doesn't feel like it's straining and stressful and like my legs are burning. I'm like, that's the workout part.

Like you don't like workouts. I don't. I don't like to feel pain or sweat or stuff. Yeah. Can I, I'll just say the name. So it's, um, this comedian, Stacia Padwell is her name. And during the pandemic, she started the school of thought, T-H-O-T, that hoe over there. And she started to train female comics and women.

Yeah. And I saw so many girls like losing weight and looking amazing. Who did, uh, amazing, amazing, um, was, uh, what's her name? Bytes? Laura Bytes. Man, completely transformed. So shout out to Stacia. I mean, she's a comic too.

And I guess she started doing this during the Pandy and like, yeah, Laura lost a ton of weight with Stacia. Absolutely. Yeah. So I've been cyber. I was like stalking Stacia for a while on her Instagram, like contemplating, should I do this program? Should I do it?

And finally I was like, what? It's now or never, you know? Sure. And I am loving it. Oh, oh, so this is what I like about her about to, to speak to what you're saying. Yeah. My problem with fitness has always been that I've been like, yeah, but I don't like it.

It hurts and it doesn't feel good. But then everybody I've ever done exercise with or trainers have been like, just pushed, it just feels great. Doesn't it feel great to be fit? And I'm like, I don't share your mentality. But what I like about Stacia is her workout. She'll literally be like, okay, this is going to fucking suck more than anything's ever fucking sucked in your life.

You're going to fucking hate this. Just fucking say it. It sucks. But watch, you're going to look hot in your bathing suit. You're going to feel better in your body. And what's worse, the pain of not doing it and hating your body or the pain of doing what we're doing right now. Yeah.

And like it took that woman's mentality. And I was like, I needed the right coach. Oh, sometimes you just need the right coach. I'm not the freak for not liking this shit. Sure. She doesn't like it, but she looks amazing. Right. You cannot like it and still do it.

That's true. But I didn't know that. I thought I had to like stuff to do it. That's my problem. Okay. I'm serious, but you know how like it takes one person to change your dumb brain and you're like, Oh my God, I've been thinking wrong my whole life on this issue. You know?

Yeah. But it's really helped me even just walking every day. Yeah. It's so much. It's good. Fitness is good for you guys. Fitness is good. Yeah.

And we're doing, by the way, we're doing sober October again this year. Three of the four of us thought it would be really good for one of us. I'll let you guess which one. But yeah, we're doing it right. We're actively in it right now. Yeah. Aeri Schaefer, Joe, Bart and myself are sober for the month, completely sober. We have a component, a challenge, two components to our challenge of like burning certain

calories per day. In addition, everybody has to do 100 push-ups a day and they can't be like Bert style push-ups. They're supposed to be real push-ups. Okay. What's Bert's way of doing a push-up? A quarter of a push-up. Oh. Like going like one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Zero, zero, zero, zero, zero. Yeah. I need that clip pulled for me, like of him doing that so I can send it to the group to mock him. Thanks. You got it. So sorry. Go over again.

You have to do 10,000 steps too. No, you don't have to do 10,000 steps. We're not chicks. No, we each, right now, I don't know if it's going to change actually, 500 calorie burn in a workout every day, all 31 days and 100 push-ups a day, all 31 days. Damn. And be sober, all 31 days. Yeah.

And you can obviously do more, but you can't do less. What we're doing it is we're going back to, one time we did the competition, like who can beat who, everybody gets kind of crazy. Joe gets real crazy, we all get kind of crazy. And I think it's to the detriment of your life. Yeah. So this is like more of the just be disciplined about doing this every day and making you, when we did the yoga challenge, it doesn't sound like we talked, but it doesn't sound

that crazy. It's 15 for the month, 15 yoga sessions in the month. And you go, that's not that crazy, but you know, your life dictates certain busy things and all of a sudden you miss a few days and now you're having to do those. You know, like, oh, should I do eight days in a row and you have to really commit. So we just thought it would be good to have something that you have to commit to daily. Daily. Meaning, you know, October, I mean, I'm traveling this whole month.

Yeah, your life is busy. I'm touring. I have the kit. It's a busy and we're doing these. So I have to figure out, you know, I don't have a single day where I can go. Well, not today. So that means, you know, you go to bed earlier. You just got to be more disciplined.

Well, yeah. And with this group that I'm doing too. Yeah. It's the peer pressure of the accountability. Yes. That really motivates me. That always works for us. And so it works.

And also like prioritizing like what you said, like I could have slept in today and not started walking. But yes, you know, just make it a priority. Make it a priority. Another component of that group thing. It's better when it's people you actually know and are friends with. Yeah. If you put me in a group with strangers, it's less like I'd be like, I don't give a shit.

Like who are these? But when it's your friends. Yeah. And you go like, oh, I can't not let them down. Yeah. And it's fun to encourage them. Yeah. Do you guys encourage each other?

Are you strictly shit talks? It kind of waivers. It goes back and forth. It's like, you suck your piece of shit. You know, everybody knows how much you suck. And then like when you see someone who was like really maybe struggling, it all turns into encouragement. That's awesome.

Yeah. That's great. You guys are, I think that's good. The highly competitive side was like, you guys were, everyone's peeing blood by the end of the month and it's just too aggressive. It's not fun for, it ruins your spouse's lives. Everybody talked about that. Thank you.

Dietary wise. I appreciate that. Thank you. You also are doing the diet, like the food, you're being strict with the food. That's a big component. Yeah. That's a hugey. And I've had to eat fat free cheese, which makes me want to die.

I don't want to fucking die. Sugarless candy. I don't even do it. Like, like fat free cheese is like sugar free candy or decaf coffee. It's like, what, what, I'd rather die. I'd rather not have it. How would you describe those things? What do you mean?

How would you describe fat free cheese, sugarless candy and decaf coffee? The shit that makes me want to fucking die. Oh, I thought you meant, I thought you had a whole like. Well, they're fucking gay and they suck. Yeah. That's what I was thinking. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Fucking sucks. Some of the labels say that. You know that? Yeah. It says, this is fat free cheese. It's gay and it sucks. It's gay and it sucks, but you're going to look hot.

Right. That's the trade-off is you're like, yeah, it's gay and it sucks. I'll go without cheese if it's fat free cheese. Oh, really? Well, that's how I'm feeling. I also feel like if you're doing, here's the thing though. Are you being a big fat, sloppy piece of shit about how you use cheese? No.

Or are you just like sprinkling some cheese on? Because I will do full fat cheese and just enjoy the taste of it. Same, yeah. But it just got, you just got to, you know, you got to be moderate with it. You just, if you're going like dumping just mountains of cheese on there. No, yeah. It's different. It's huge difference too.

And restaurants, you know, I'm on the road all the time. Many times I'll get an omelette and I've had omelettes where you go. We're like, yeah, with cheese and it comes out and it's like a goddamn fucking pizza. It looks like, what's it called? Like the cannoli or like it looks like a calzone. It's like oozing out of it. And I'm like, come on. So then you have to go light cheese.

And when you say light cheese, sometimes they'll just dust it. And that's all you want. Yeah. Just a smattering. Yeah. It's all that I can go to, to light cheese, not fat free cheese. There you go. Then try that.

I'll try that. Does that even exist in America? I feel like in Canada. No, no. It is. Yeah. Have you tried light cheese? Does that make you want to kill yourself too?

No, it's not like fat free. Fat free is, it's gay and it sucks. But light cheese is not gay. It's bisexual. No, right. Yeah. It's pretty cool. It doesn't suck that bad.

It doesn't suck that bad. But how fucking gay is decaf coffee? It's so gay. I took a decaf pod because in these hotels they'll have like the strong stuff, the moderate and decaf, and I've thrown her off the balcony before, just out the window. Yeah. Who's drinking decaf? Why coffee tastes terrible.

Coffee tastes terrible. You do it for the effect. Yeah. To get fucking gacked. That's why you drink coffee. Let's go. Yeah, I don't drink coffee for the, it certainly tastes like shit. Your breath smells like shit.

Your breath smells like somebody's shit in your mouth. Yeah. Do you know what I'm always thinking about is our kids. Because you know, like, when you talk to your, like your, your mom has that coffee mom. Remember your friend? Stop. I've talked about that on this show four or five times already.

Yeah. Do you want me to say it again? I'll say it again. Sure. Because I feel like it's one of those things you need to hear. I had a friend whose mother would wake up in the morning, not brush her teeth. Burt. Okay.

Seriously? Yeah. Not brush teeth. Yeah. But they both do that. Stop. I swear. I was like.

Stop. And they thought it was normal. I was like, what are you talking about? He's like. You don't want the taste of the toothpaste to mess up what you eat and you drink. Oh my God. Yeah. So wait.

Hold on. She was like, I thought we'd eat in Georgia too. Ew. Yeah. So, but this woman would eat breakfast, drink her coffee, and then lunchtime would come. Still no teeth brushing. And it wouldn't happen until after lunch. And her kids were like, dude, your breath is banging.

And she goes, well, I don't like the taste of the mint. And they're like, yeah, but mom, you can get bubblegum flavor, chocolate. There's mango. And also it's upsetting to talk to you. Oh, it's disgusting. Yeah. They told her what, and then she, you said that she was like, oh, really? And then she figured out, and then she liked cinnamon.

She chose cinnamon toothpaste. So wait. So when does Burt eventually brush? They do it like after breakfast. So they wake up and they have coffee. I don't know about that. And then they, I'm like, you don't brush your teeth first thing in the morning. He was like, mm-mm.

I can't brush my teeth fast enough. That's what I am too. And I also didn't think is one of those things where I didn't know that anybody didn't do that. I just assumed that the world woke up and they were like, ah, you know, I got morning mouth. I want to clean this. Yeah.

I didn't know that only poor people use washcloths. I didn't know that. Oh, washcloths. Yeah. So I just thought this was like a thing. And then he was like, and then other people were like, yeah, I also wait until I brush, I have my coffee. I eat.

Then I brush my teeth. What? You wake up and you just carry that mouth into your first meal. Like, yep. I don't like the way the food tastes after I clean it. So that's what they do. Yeah. There's fucking gross people everywhere.

I'm in a fucking puke right now. Yeah. Well, they're disgusting. Oh, my God. They are disgusting. That is a disgusting habit. You know what? Speaking of washcloths.

Yeah. Like I am so averse to, I would rather, for instance, our little one took the gnarliest dump the other day and it was one of those dumps where I was like, there's no amount of wiping. Yeah. This is going to. I've done it where you're like, I just want to throw a whole pack to wipe your ass. Yeah.

I'm like, I'm not going to do this. I just threw them in the shower and I just bare-handed put soap on it and cleaned shit off my kid's ass. Yeah. But I washed my hand. Like I don't keep the kaka on there. Who would keep the kaka on the hand? But I mean, I understand the logic of like, I should have maybe grabbed it.

But then now you're just getting shit on a washcloth. And then what am I going to do? Put the washcloth in the laundry and put it in with my clothes. So I would rather just get kaka on my hand. I remember the first time I was offered a washcloth. Oh. By a poor friend. So poor.

He was so poor. And I stayed at his family's house. And I was like, I'm going to take a shower. And then they gave me like a towel and soap and then a little towel. I go, what's this? He's like a washcloth. I go, what? He's like, washcloth?

And I go, oh, I'm not poor. And he was like, what? And I just threw it back to him. But it is, right? Because I don't understand it. I never use them. We never used them. Yeah.

It is for poor people, right? Yes. Of course. Like who uses washcloths? Do Americans? People on welfare. What are you talking about? The job to Israelis use washcloths.

We do not, but it sounds like Nebraska Chad does. Midwesterners use them? Yeah, definitely. Only my grandma called them washcloths. Washcloths. I mean, it's a fucking farmland. I know. Yeah, of course.

I also think it's the more conservative places. Like they don't want to touch their genitals with their hands. Yeah. Probably like they're more puritanical. So they're like, oh, that's gross to touch your own body parts with your hands. Do black people use washcloths, any? Yeah, I think most of them do. I don't know.

I never did. I always just poured a shit in my hands. Yeah. Like a rich nigga. Because I got it like that. Oh, also to Annie's point, so there's a black lady in my accountability group. Yeah. And ranch dressing was in one of the recipes and she was like, I don't do ranch.

Can I do something else? And I thought about you. I was like, oh my God, Annie was right. Yeah. She didn't do ranch. She didn't do ranch. Does she do mayo? Fuck no, dude.

Have you heard her say it? Thousand Island. Oh, yeah. She's told me that before. Yeah. But ranch, I've never heard her say ranch specific and she was like, I don't do ranch. And I was like, hilarious. Yeah.

Mayo based, right? Hilarious. There's those white sauces. I'm trying to tell you. They're trying to get at us. Can't let them in. Can't let them in. Yeah.

I gotta go peachy real quick. No, wait. Why don't we just take a break? We'll do it back with our guest. Oh, okay. Yeah. Perfect. This is the program for the Latin 8th time.

He has a new special. Doug is going to be released on Moment Tomorrow, October 6th. Give it up for Matt Bronger, everybody. Thank you. This is awesome. It's been a while. It's been a while. It has.

You know, you gave us one of our favorite sayings on this show. Ever. We say it all the time. Go ahead and say it, Tom. Same strokes for everybody. Same strokes, same folks. Everybody likes the same stuff. Everybody is the same.

We're all the same. I mean, it's wild. I've said that like a version of that where it's just like, we can argue all day about everything, but like everybody wants the same thing. You know what I mean? Like you want your kid to grow up healthy and all this stuff. Everything else is kind of just blah. But yeah, it's like I said it to be an idiot.

No, but you said it also. I thought you also, we talked about how it's also applies to when people go like that sucks. You're like, well, that sucks to you. Yeah. You know? Yeah. You go, I like this music more. This is what's good.

It's like, yeah, to you. To you. Yeah. Oh, God. You know how freeing it is, especially as a comedian, when you reach a point where you're just like, that's not for me. Oh, that sucks. Yeah.

That sucks is like your 20s. What? And then you get into, yeah. Except for Williamsburg. Williamsburg sucks. Oh, this is part of today's conversation. Okay. Christina.

Let's, let's, let's stomp on William's beard. I'm just, I'm just being an oldie. A boomer. And boomer. She is, she's reluctant to accept that neighborhoods that are now cool. She's like, I don't accept that they're cool. I, she, she liked Williamsburg when it 20 years ago. Yes.

When it was Polish. And like, and it was still fun and cool. Like now, now it's a hotel. Yes. Like the whole thing is a boutique hotel. Exactly. And you just see Puerto Rican squeezed between like holding on to their little piece where a guy comes by every day, like, you're going to sell.

Come on. You know, like, you know it. Yeah. So exact. I mean, that's like next, that's like next level gentrification on a banana scale. But I'm not even that smart as you. I'm just like, I refuse to recognize you. I won't acknowledge you.

Williamsburg. 100%. As cool. Like I'm such a, I'm so angry at it. Well, it's track. It's like Tom Cruise. He's kind of cool, but he's also, he tries so hard. He tries harder than any human beings ever tried.

And that kind of uncools you. If you're trying to. When you show up and you're like, fuck, I just did like 20,000 sit ups. What are we doing? And you're like, we're just, we're going to the gym now. Can you relax? You're stressing me out. Williamsburg is like that.

Yeah. There's a hotel there that bought the airspace around it so no one can build and block their views. It looks like some kind of space alien or Lord put a spike in the ground. It goes up like it's called like the Wyeth or something. Gangster move. It's insane. Yeah.

It's one of those things where like, oh, you have, you have money, like you own several islands. What Zuckerberg did in his neighborhood, right? Cause he, he's one of like the very few billion, like mega billionaires that he doesn't live in a palace. He lives in a, I don't know, like a four bedroom house or something. You know, in a reasonable neighborhood. Yeah.

So he bought all the houses in the neighbor, everybody's house. He bought everybody's house. Yeah. And then he lets them, he bought it for overvalue and then they get to lease it back. And it's in, it's in the mission, right? In San Francisco. Now maybe he, he, okay, maybe now he's got a fucking estate, but this is a few years ago. Yes.

Remember they, he and his wife kept this like everyone was like, you live in this house. This is just like a regular house. Yeah. But he bought the neighborhood. Wow. My friend. Yeah. It's either NATO green, like a friend of mine was from the mission like back when it was,

you know, not to be like, when it was the mission, but like basically how you're saying Williamsburg. Yeah. I don't see you new mission. He, his, his mom's house, I think got where he grew up. He, Zuckerberg bought it and put an elevator in it for his car. Like, I don't know if that's his house, house we're talking about. Yeah.

It might have been something he bought like for his. Also, I just beefed him. I just learned that was a while ago. He now owns 10 homes. Yeah. Like 10 homes that up for him. Yeah. So, yeah.

He, he got into the fun of being a fucking billionaire. Yeah. Finally. What are you doing? Yeah. Well, finally. Overvalue. That's great.

Yeah. And that's cool. You know, but, and it's, I think just at that point though, where it's just like, where is the happiness? Yeah. How do you have fun? Well, you have fun buying 10 homes and that's the fun is your own pieces of Hawaii. Ask a stupid question.

Yeah. You get, you know, you do anything you want. Sure. It's just the fun of being that wealthy if you didn't ball out super hard. Yeah. I wish we had more like crazy like vengeance billionaires. Yeah. You know, that we're kind of taken out there angst in crazy ways on other billionaires.

So we have like billionaire wars. That'd be great. I want to see these guys like, like Godzilla versus King Kong. I want to see them like lock up WWE style. I talked to a security guy one time who worked for a multi billionaire that everybody knows. Okay. Like, so, you know, what, what's he like, what's it like to go out with him? He's like, well, you know, he doesn't, doesn't have a wallet.

And I go, what? He's like, yeah, like we would go out with like a group and, you know, when he wants something, he would just be like, I want that. And then one of us would get it. If dinner comes like one of us has a car, but he doesn't actually have a wall. Of course not. Just that's great. That's a great luxury actually.

How lovely. And I don't want to hold a phone either. Can someone hold my phone? I don't want to hold my phone. So over it. He's like in pajama bottoms, bare feet. Like who is this bum? This one time that I flew with Mike Tyson, one of the coolest things that I saw was that

you don't realize it is annoying, not like a hindrance to life, but to grab like right to grab your bags from like, you know, it's part of how you do it. He flew with a dude who would grab the bags. Wow. So he walked on to the plane just like this. And then when he got up, the guy was like, I got your bag, Mike. And so the Mike just walks free. That's great.

Such a good luxury. And ironic that it's a guy who's amongst the top 90% physically strong. Oh yeah, exactly. For his age. Yeah. For his age. Like that video of him just throwing punches. Oh my God.

Horrifying. Horrifying. He's 50 something years old. It's still devastating. Knock your eyes out of your head. Absolutely. Kill you. You would die.

Yeah. You would definitely die. But yesterday I spent the morning doing life maintenance things. You know, like I got a call to vet and then I got a fucking schedule and I was like, I'm so angry that I have to do these things. Like I would pay a premium. I'm sure that's called a personal assistant. That's all that is.

Yeah. It's not that crazy. You guys don't have personal assistants? I'm just saying, right now I'm in a compound where I'm pretty sure there's a couple of blackwater dudes with heavy artillery that are guarding this place. In my mind, I was going to come out and joke about dropping a location pin on the Instagram and be like, there's people coming over and you guys are like, what the fuck? I don't mind.

You know? I'll just throw this out there. We're in Waco if you're looking for us. We are in Waco. No, but like, you guys are, I'm surprised you guys, you guys don't have. I just feel it's kind of weird. That's why it feels like so out there. Like I can't call my vet.

You know what I mean? Like who am I? I can't schedule my kids' dentist appointment. Like I think you're, that's when you're out of touch with reality. Oh, so that's me. That's what I'm saying. You need this person. You need this person.

Oh, I have one. It's you. It's my wife. I know. Yeah. I know. I mean, Kara has clients who have personal assistants and I've like kicked it with them and stuff and I've just been like, so what exactly do you cover?

What do you do? These are comedians, personal assistants. So like, you know our lives. Yeah. We work an hour a day. I know. I can't call them. You know?

Yeah. You know, eat ice creams. Sure. Masturbate. Yeah. You got it. You know, all these big ones. Yeah.

You know, for mental health. Sure. But like, it's not as if we are running these massive multinational companies or anthropological digs or going on or something. It is a nice luxury though, to be like, handle, call the dentist. Oh my God. Yeah. You're never waiting on hold again the rest of your life.

That would be great. Holy. I mean, yeah. Oh, God. Hey, I want that. Get that. Yes. Yeah.

I feel like when you have that kind of power though, like the no wallet thing and pajama bodice. No wallet is another level. That's another level. No wallet, a phone. Yeah. You're going to start pushing it. You know what I mean?

It's a good thing if you really, if you want barriers between people and you. But those guys all want those, you know, they don't want everyone texting, calling, asking for shit. So they're like, no, you got to talk to that guy. Yeah. And that guy will talk to this guy and that guy might tell me to tell him, to tell you something. Yeah.

But it's funny. There's monetary status and there's earned status. And I feel like those guys want earned status so, so, so bad. Like Neil Brandon had this funny bit about like Trump doesn't like dictators. He likes famous people, but no famous people to talk to him except dictators. That's true. That's why it's such a great bit. It was one of those, I love jokes like that where your focus just slaps into, into sight

and you're like, oh yeah, that's it. Like when Leonardo DiCaprio's or Jeff Bezos tried to just hork down Leo's dick in front of him, like in front of Jeff, like she was on him. His girl. Yeah. Bezos's girl was on. Me, but on, on a podcast with this kind of reach, I have probably a week to live. Yeah.

Bezos is going to have me. He did that. He also posted a joke that next week. You remember that? Yeah. He went on a hike and it said like dangerous, you know, cliff, you know, like, and then he tagged Leo like, hey, Leo, why don't you come here? I did not know that.

Yeah. You can find that. Jeff Bezos. Oh. Leo DiCaprio. Yeah. He did that the week after. First you should pull up Leo's girlfriend.

Okay. And the photo of her staring at him at that party. So in love. It's so amazing. Leo pushing like, hey. Yeah. Like she is just. Please stay in your lane.

Look at her. Yeah. Cool. She's over 25. And then. Look at that look right there. He's allergic. That one with the curses.

Like the way that. Oh, look at Jeff. Oh my Jeff. All right. Look at her. Her neck couldn't be cranked. I know. How tall is Leo?

Not that tall. No. She's not. And then he. Jesus. A week. That week, Bezos posted on his Twitter a picture of him at this. I was on a hike.

It said like dangerous fall, you know, that thing. Yeah. You're not. You should. What is he? You should Google Jeff Bezos. What is his backdrop? Like a space laser?

He's going to use to destroy us all. I know. What is that? Terminator. That's crazy. He broke up with his recent 25. Oh, I want to show you something. It's not even funny.

I know. He looks so serious. Yeah. I mean, I will murder you. Yeah. And by the way. Anyone with me, man. And by the way, I've had so many people killed before.

I got robots in the trees. Yeah. I have a satellite that'll cause a heart attack. Steve Cliff fatal drop with invisible beam that will go through your roof. I like that he got jacked in his fifties. Yeah. Well, he's doing the lean. Every guy knows the.

Yeah. Your muscles. But he did. Have you ever seen the picture of him? Yeah. From like the nineties? And he's like, he's a fucking nerd. Yeah.

And then they show him at this, that conference, that billionaire conference they all go to and he's just like, yeah, that picture of him. Yeah. That far left one. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah.

That's normal. Looks like a normal dad. Oh my God. He looks like a teacher. Yeah. He's like, he's a fucking Amazon. And that's when he has $200 billion on the right. Wow.

And he's walking to kill someone with his hands that his henchmen are holding. Yeah. They're holding this guy. And he's gonna come and try that. His warehouse workers are like, we want cool air in the warehouse, please. He's like, fuck you. All right. We're out of bottles to pee in.

I know we can't have bathroom breaks. Isn't that crazy though? That just how getting jacked makes you attractive? Like, I was watching someone in these douchebags on TikTok and he was like, listen, ladies, if your face is like a five, make your body a 10. And that way you're like an eight. And I was like, but he's not wrong. Like, wait a minute.

Like if you're, yeah, it does make a difference. Well, sure. Jeff Bezos. Like he's just like this nerd dude. And now he's like Jack Jeff Bezos. Yeah. He's kind of hot. He does look far, far better.

I was at. So wait, did you just make the observation that if you get in shape, you're more attractive? I will say this though. And fitness feels good. And it does. Yes. I will feel, I will say this though, going, like, not so much back to the Tom Cruise thing, but like, he does it like he looks incredible and he's, he's definitely got someone

that's like, hey, stop, stop. Don't lift that much. You get too veiny. Like they're those guys who like my age and older that are like, wow, you're really ripped. And it's like, it looks, it looks terrifying. Too much. Right. You know, like he has like a thumb size vein running down his face into his neck.

You can go hardcore on anything too much. Yeah. I think that makes you, that would make his girl like cheat with a dude with a gut. Yeah. Just for the comfort. Sure. Normal, you know. I mean, the rock is like, like scary ripped.

Yes. Like he's, oh, it's not like, oh, that's a guy's in shape. He looks like he's a manufacturer. But he still has that rich, like rich human being smooth skin. Yeah. Yeah. That's the key. And his teeth.

Great teeth. His teeth are so important. Yeah. He's got, he's got rich guy teeth. It's like, why did they get super veiny? Like remember Madonna in the early 2000s was really into yoga and she really leaned out. It's because there's no, there's no body fat. There's no fat.

No fat. And I don't even know what that means. Like I, I've never had that. I mean, yeah, if your body fat is gone, you're going to see, you're going to be more vascular. Yeah. Thin people. And she got work done and got Botox and got a bud implant. And it was just.

People go, women go, the, especially the pop stars, they age and they go fucking crazy. I feel bad for them in a way because you realize that part of what, you know, what everyone said when they're at the height of their fame is they're like, you're so hot. You're so beautiful. You're so gorgeous. You're so sexy. And then life takes its natural course and you become less. And then they're like, but I got to be hot and I got to be beautiful and I got to be

gorgeous. And she jumped from cool platform to cool platform for decades. Like she's 60s and she's like, she's like, I'm still relevant. It's like just calm down. It's okay. You did it. Exactly. And if you just were like cool about it, everyone's just like, you're fucking Madonna.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. 90 year Madonna. Being the hot chick and then losing it or being a Jeff Bezos your whole life, a fucking dork having to make billions of dollars and then getting jacked later in life. What do you mean? Which is worse? Well, because she gets it a little, here's why.

Because, well, I mean, you're, how's it worse, how's even in the equation, how's that worse? Which one? Jeff Bezos? Yeah. Because you're an un-fuckable dork. You have to, you have to make a lot of money for a woman to even touch your dick. So a woman doesn't even want to look at you until you're in those millies. So it creates resentment.

You know what you look like. You can't really change that a whole lot. And then you get jacked and rich and then you're like, oh, now you fucking like me? Oh, I don't think he minds at all. You think so? I don't think he minds at all. You don't think he's got that resentment? I think fun teacher, fun uncle Jeff Bezos, the one we saw before, it's like a couple

of chicks would throw him a fuck. I think like he could find that one, that steady woman who's like, I like a nerd. You know what I mean? He did. They split. They split. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, you know, yeah, I think wit is what it would you rather be Madonna or Jeff Bezos

is a weird. So I can answer to you right away, but it's also, I will say, as someone with a guilty conscience though, it's like Bezos, it's like so, so much damage he's caused, you know? And it's like, what a company and all that jazz and what an empire. But at the same time, it's just like, I don't want that kind of attention. You know what I mean? Madonna wrote songs that people will always love as crazy as she might look now. Sure.

You know, you're throwing borderline right now. I'm getting out of this chair. There's all kinds of songs. I mean, she had jam after it was so many hits, city. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, she was the fucking she was the fucking coolest person on earth for me.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I know. Yeah. When those nudes came out and she was like, so what? And everyone's like, wait, but you're supposed to feed. We can all see your tits. And she was like, I don't care. She also didn't seem like she was saying this to be cool.

But she would be like, I like to fuck and I get laid when I want to. Yes. And it didn't seem like I'm trying to sound like that. You're like, oh, this is authentic. Yeah. This chick is this person. Yeah. She was so gorgeous.

I mean, look at her there. But see, that sentence is what kills her. Isn't that funny? Is that you go, she was. She can't accept that we're talking about 30 years ago. It does. Well, I mean, our society does not let women in the public eye, especially ones that were seen as super hot and super cool as as we won't let them age.

Yeah. It's like, you're not allowed. Some of them choose to just age gracefully, though. Sure. You know, like it's a choice. Yeah. But I also think the pressure has got to be unbelievable. Unreal. Yeah.

Yeah. When you have people who are making money off of you and they're just like, you got a hot off. And you're a sex. You're part of what you sell is your sexiness. Yes. That age like share aged really, really well. Like there are bitches who do. And so you're like, why can't I just do what she's doing?

Or why can't I be who that is? And I guess I don't know. I still think I'd I'd be an angry Jeff Bezos, I guess, because I maybe because I am a woman and I am losing my look in it. That's not true. But don't know. You know what I mean? Like this isn't inevitability.

This is like the natural so much worse. Like, can I just tell you? It's life to lose. What? Why do we invite this asshole back? But but imagine the anger of being an un-fuckable dork. Like, I think I would just be so angry. Imagine as angry as you think.

I've lived it. Christine, are you kidding me? I was born without a chin. You know how? So you've lived the Jeff Bezos arc is what they're saying. I was I was just kind of a big dork all my life. And did you ever is that cracking wise? And yeah, you'd get you'd get mad sometime.

Look at that. Look in the far right. Look how fat I am so adorable. No, but you're so fun. But like, OK, that's I'm in all of those. I'm at least in my 30s. So, you know, I back in like, you know, junior high school 20s, there were times where I'm just just like I mad at the world or just mad.

Or you'd be mad at a woman. Hmm. Fuck, it's hard to say. I'll crack your neck. I feel like I would get. I thought I found it more depressing than anything. If someone was just like, like, oh, you know what it was? Here it is.

Sixth grade, my first school dance. A girl asked a boy to like, tell him to come over here. Tell that guy I want to dance with him. I was like, cool. I went made it halfway across the floor and she saw me and she went like, she looked past me at the dude and was like, no, no, no, no, like, take him back. I'm just out there. And I remember that the fact that that flew to my mind that fast.

Where I was, I was like a Monet, great in the distance. Get closer. No, you doughy putts, get back. You know, see, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, that's real isolation. Yeah, real shunning. And like, you know, all those guys, Zuckerberg, Bezos, why do you think they built this empire?

That's what I'm saying. It's crazy. They worked so hard just to get a woman to fuck them. Like that, that's to get female approval and companionship. Otherwise, this guy would not be laid, dude. No, of course not. That guy, that guy, if you're, if you just go like, all right, the sketch artist for the police, if you went and we're just like serial killer

and you left the room, he would draw that. He would draw that face. Oh, yeah. Like just dead eyes. Yeah, I mean. Yeah, he's a little socially awkward. Little. But you know, but like women like you a lot.

Tommy, you've just been hot your whole life. Yeah, man. Seriously. I just wanted to fuck you up. Oh, it's such a burden. It really is. My whole life's been, it's just pussy just dripping off of me all the time. Yeah, it's been so easy.

I know. I was never frustrated. You were always handsome though. Your youth, you were so hot even when you were a teenager. That's what I heard night and day. I'd be like, God, leave me alone. Well, those dumb bitches. To be fair, you were in Florida.

Yeah. For part of it. Pretty easy to win sometimes. Yeah, you can win certain parts. You can win a lot there. I thought you were hot. I would have banged you. Oh, thanks.

I wish you could have told the eighth grade, Tom, that. I thought you were just whip out some girl's name that you still think about from back then or something. Oh, I was there. I was on the tip of his tongue and he stopped it. Yeah, when she would have told Lois McDonald. She's some random name. Is there some fucking bitch right now, Tom?

Or you could just be like, look at me now, bitch. Oh, yeah, of course. Of course. She's listening to this right now. Just a cigarette fall ahead of her mouth in the trailer she's sitting in. So if I'd like to pick her up by her neck. Got to get those Bezos muscles. Get those Bezos muscles going.

So tell me, because I'm excited for you. I love that stand-up is going in this direction with specials, which is comics owning their stuff and putting it out there to their fans and to the world and then getting people to pay to watch something of value and then you retaining your ownership in it. So where did you shoot it? Where did the idea come from to do it this way? Like, what's the story?

I shot it at Zanies and Nashville in October a year ago. And the whole thing, 2020 hit us all like a brick, but I was going to tape the week that all the clubs were like, fuck it. You know, as I put it like that when in 2020 when all the dick joke emporiums closed down. So was it like we were going to shoot it in March or April or something? Oh yeah, it was all set. And it was just like, and then my wife had a kid and then like it became this time of just step back and kind of, okay, just just what's important.

Yes. And I was apoplectic at first and I was like, this isn't a big deal. And then I threw away at least half that material because like all that shit happened. My wife and I drove across the country in the middle of the pandemic with a six-week-old during an election year where driving an electric car with California plates through the south. It should have been a reality show. It really should have.

And I just got a ton of stuff from that. So, la la la, I did this special. And it's got like this big reveal at the end. It's almost like a magic trick to the point where I did it on the road for a little less than a year. And I would have people, people would like film it and then post it. And I would go to the hotel the night of and the next morning and track down these videos and go and just DM and be like, can you take this down? And they're like, oh, fuck sorry.

You know, and I bring a stranger on stage to help me with this reveal. It's called Doug. It's named after a terrible fucking guy I met on vacation with my wife. He was a dude who like was a husband and father, hated being both. Every time I saw him, he was wet and drunk. Like somehow, like he woke up in the froth of the surf. And I think us as men, we need good examples more than bad, but we need bad ones. Like we have to meet a guy and we're like, I could never be a new dude.

You gotta meet Doug. And it's ironic because every other Doug I've known in my life has been cool. Like really cool guys. They sell you a half price, they smoke with you, Benson. Yeah, Dugs are sweet. This guy sucked. And so I named the special app to him and got this reveal. So when I took it around to all the usual suspects, Amazon, Netflix,

everybody either had a full slate or were just like, like they, everyone liked it. But it was that thing of, and I was, it was nice to not go had in hand. And go, oh God, please, please, you know, and or be angry if they passed or whatever. You don't have to be anymore. No, no, no. And I had some options. But then Moment approached me and I was like, you know, just because of the reveal at the end and the fact that this is a piece of my life that like none of us are going to forget that time.

Yeah. You know, I'll try this. And I've said this to a couple of friends, like everything good in my life. I'm realizing happened because I was like, I'll fucking give it a shot. Let's try. Sure. You know, happened with moving in with my now wife, marrying her, having a kid, like stuff you cannot take back.

Sure. You know, like there's no turning back. You're like, I'm going for it. Let's try it. Yeah. This could be a disaster. So the moment thing, you know, it might be a mistake, but I'm going to try it. Yeah, I don't think it's a mistake.

No, I don't either. And like the cool thing is it's someone has already taken the gold. Andrew Schultz has already taken the brass ring with the Moment thing. Yeah. It's like, great. Yeah. You know, he's, he's already been Lewis and Clark. Like he killed it.

He killed it. Yeah. He's up to like five million or something bananas. Yeah. I love that he took it off and then put it back and was like. Unbelievable. He's like, sorry, I love money. His maniac.

His marketing skills are incredible. No one's better. So as soon as like the people I'm working with were like, Andrew Schultz did, I was like, let's do that. Let's do that thing that that guy did. Yeah. You know, because I've never sat down and got advice from him, but I do. He's one of those people who, you know, I'm a fan, but also like I, I watch what he does.

Same thing with you guys. You know what I mean? 01:17:17,320 --> 01:17:18,840 Like we're friends. And so when you guys are, are winning, I feel like I am. I haven't got any checks by the way. So I have a kid. Can you send that?

Sure. But like, you know, it's like I am loving how, how well you guys have done, but it's like, I'll just kind of go, well, I can't do what they're doing, but what's my version of that? Sure. You know, and to your point of just ownership. It's huge. It's all about partnering with people who want to thrive on their own and not just sit on your shit and live off it.

And I think this model came up. This model is going to grow and grow and grow. Meaning the comedians, especially, creating things that they own and being able to distribute it themselves and retaining ownership and getting paid for their work. And I think it's just, it's a model that's here to stay and grow. I think it's going to be really great. 01:18:03,320 --> 01:18:08,040 What a novel idea that the artist actually gets to prosper from what they create.

It's so weird. It's so wild. What a weird thing. It's so wild that people aren't just keeping your hard built dick jokes in perpetuity. Yeah. Like that's the thing where it's like, sign here. Now we own it forever. Yeah.

I mean, we gave you a little few coins. Yeah. You should be thankful. Yeah. It's so crazy. Like, you know, that's what changed. That's what streaming changed with from music, too, is like those guys used to just get fucked. Yeah.

So hard. Every act, every group just just absolutely railed by these like these huge media conglomerates. And then now they're people stop signing deals and they're like, no, I put up my music myself. Yeah. And that thing just took off. Yeah. You know, it took off. Yeah.

It still works. That old model still works for some, but it's usually if you're like an enormous band with a huge following. But so many people can break in by just playing their music on these sites. And it's just, it's incredible how it worked. I mean, that's a chance. The rapper is like how like the most famous example of somebody who was like, nope. Yeah.

Turned down everything and just and then this huge following came to him. It's all his own stuff. He owns everything. Yeah. And it's amazing. There's all these people who, you know, gave it a shot and it's like they got beat up. Yeah. It's like that line from Moneyball.

Like first guy through the door always gets bloody. Yeah. You know, so it's like there are people who already took hits and now, you know, now we're kind of locked in this little, you know, I'm not a part of that lawsuit, but like the whole thing with a couple of the streaming companies are kind of trying to be like the old way where it's like, no, you know, you, you have to legally, you have to now. And they'll, you know, my, my stuff got taken off, you know, to at least some of my things. And it's just like, yeah, but, you know, you have a massive, was it Pandora following?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And my stuff is not, a lot of my stuff isn't available right now. Yeah, that's cool. And I know, but I know people that work for that company and I'm still good with them, but it's like, well, it's like, it's I'm not going to shit on them because they've been awesome.

I have a hundred million streams on Pandora. So like, yeah. I mean, in terms of standup comedy, I'm famous for like, not my face. Like, like I've been in stores where people are like, what do I know your voice from? And I'm like, oh, and then they're friends are like Wildcat and or whatever bit of mine that they listen to because I would get a lot of my stuff story based. So people are like, let's hear that story. It's it's like a song.

You want to listen to it a couple of times? 01:20:33,160 --> 01:20:33,800 I don't. Yeah. I can't stand it. But no, can you imagine if you told me you're like, I love listening to my bits. I listen to all you already know right away when the comics like that. And you're like, you're like, you're fucking out of your mind.

Yeah. You're a crazy one. When I was on Mad TV with Bobby Lee, he would watch playback of his own shit. Stop. Crazy person. He'd laugh. He's a crazy person. Does that surprise you?

It doesn't surprise you. No. I mean, like I remember me and me and and and and Keegan and and Eric Price would be like, we'd be making fun of them. We'd be sitting there going, me, me, me is so funny. God, it's so great to be liberated from the system of the one or two taste makers. Yeah. The gatekeeper.

Yeah. You're like, God, so and so at this network doesn't like me. Yeah. My career can't happen. Yeah. You literally could not have a career if so and so doesn't like you at a network or it's I had a pilot with Canane, the two of us as as fuck arounds in our 30s. And it was one of the funniest things I ever shot.

And we were we got another they wanted us to do another pilot. So we did and we cast Jody Sweeten from from Full House as my boss. And I was like, we used to be closed captioner to the hearing impaired. That was our job. And we were in Burbank and Jody was this woman in like a power suit who was like, I work in Hollywood, Matt. And I'm like, you work in Burbank. And she just was like and she she crushed her audition.

She auditioned for us even after being like this huge thing. Huge like full house. And she's I mean, I I've been on Fuller House. I played a maniac dodgeball coach. And like their boat their comic timing, both of them is incredible. But she came on and she just smashed it. She had people on the set laughing. And like we were like, OK, it's and it's down to her and this one woman who's very funny,

but she was younger and the network wanted her. This one exec I found out called to assistance into his office and was like, would you care that Jody Sweeten was on a show from Full Full House before Fuller House? Yeah. And they're both like, not really. And he's like, no, OK, we're not putting her in. That's how we decided. That's it.

Everybody was like, I know. And of course, Fuller House comes back and just it's Netflix's biggest show of all time or whatever. It's like dummies. Yeah. But those guys are just regular just fucking dudes. Yes. They don't know anything. They're business people. They're not creatives.

They're business people. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. It's crushing. Yeah. It'd be like if if your if your lawyer was like looking at stand up tapes. We do like late night sets and the lawyer would be like, oh, you can't do, you know. You go, you shut the fuck up. Yeah.

You don't know anything about anything. Well, it's like, give me the legal thing. Yeah. I won't get sued. But don't be like, hey, did you try? You know your bit? Are you going with that line? You know what I think is funny about Arby's?

You get the fuck away from me. I got a tag for you. What? No, you don't. Fucking dumb lawyer. I mean, but yeah, it's like we're more and more and more free of that. Thank God for the internet. Yeah.

Yeah, it's all because of that. Thank God for the internet. Absolutely. Changed everything. Yeah. Even like having a fucking VHS tape of your act. Oh my God. I'm just being like, just watch my tape.

I still have them. Do you know how like we come from the era of having Tom, we had to call girls houses and go through their dad to talk to the daughters? Oh my God. It's right. You know, I think about that when I think about how we used to send tapes and never hear shit. And I want to be like, did you watch it? You asked me being funny.

Random comedy club. It's so such a desperate feeling. 01:24:13,880 --> 01:24:15,160 Please, please. And you have this guy who has his little fight fiefdom. Yeah. You know. Doesn't care.

Oh man. It's basically you going, do you think I'm hot? You want me to? You want me to take off something else? Don't come on my face. And I remember it like you go, you'd finally make it to those club worlds. And then you'd see the back room where like the booker hung out and then just stacks of VHS tapes. Yeah.

Yeah. And you're like, the fact that I even got this week was probably a miracle. I mean, of all these, like how does that even? There's a comedy, there's the oldest comedy club in Portland. I won't say what it is. But I remember when I met, when I met Bill Burr, he did like a little pilot. They were thinking about doing him, doing like a Chappelle show thing after Chappelle show blew up. They're like, oh, let's try it with Bill.

And so it's a real low budget thing. And I was in like two sketches with him and he just comes over. He's like, so where are you from? And I was like, Portland, right? He's like, that fucking guy, like he launches into that club owner. Yeah. He's so mad at him, so mad, so mad. And he was like, this is when Bill was starting to boom.

You know what I mean? This is like a couple of years from him doing Carnegie Hall and shit. And like, we still remember those people that were just twats to him. Of course. One's dead, unfortunately, now that I'm moving tickets. And I always swore, I was like, when I go back to his fucking town, I'm never doing that. No. You know what's a fun move to those twats is you agree to do their gig

to help them out, basically their club. And then you just cancel them. Like you just ruin, you ruin their business. That's so cold. Oh, holy shit. That's like next level, man. That's like dipping the bullet in poison before you shoot him. Yeah, it's fun.

You know it hurts too. It hurts. Hey, man, sorry. And you actually, you ruin their month. You don't even tell them. You don't even tell them. You have someone, some junior agent, has to call. Has to call and be like, portal guy.

You know how this is the first time in a while that you've had seven sold out shows? You have to refund all those tickets. I have the sniffles. Yeah. I'm sorry. What do you mean to do? I got the flu.

Fuck. Yeah. No. Yeah. Go ahead, do it. Ruin their business. Yeah. Well, the one guy's dead, she said.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that fucking cunt. You know what he told me? I'll never forget. I know what you're talking about, too. And let me just say, you had it worse than either of us. I'm sure. Being a woman.

Maybe. I'm sure. Well, here's what I was told. Okay, so this guy is in the Midwest, and I was on Chelsea lately. So at the time, I had a credit. And I called him. He's like, call me back next week, okay? Call me back next week, okay?

And finally, after a month, I was like, what the fuck, bro? Like, I've been calling you. Give me a week. And he goes, you know what, Christina? I've already had two women this year. And I was like, two women this year? That's it? And then I was told I couldn't do an entire chain of clubs in Canada

because the owner doesn't book women. Like, I was exed out of an entire chain. Because they don't book women. Like shit, like, but at least it was overt back then, and I kind of appreciated that. There's other club owners that were like, I don't book women. And I was like, okay, well, I know you're a piece of shit, and I'll never do your fucking club when I get successful.

Yeah. I have a list of people I won't fucking want. One time I went to a gig you were doing. Then you were on stage. And I go to the bathroom. This guy walks in. There's another guy in there. The guy walks in and he goes, there's a chick on stage.

And the other guy goes, how are her tits? And I go, they're pretty big. Hi, I'm Tom, my wife. Listen, I appreciate your candor, fellas. Yeah, pretty good. Yeah, but it's fun. I still love it. I don't care.

Of course. Oh, yeah. I don't care. That's who you are. That's who you are. Yeah, it'll always be us. It's too much fun not to be. And I think everybody, but now white guys are,

you guys are shit on. For us. For you, I know. But you know what I mean? I think everyone. To be fair, we had a real good run. You did have a good run. It's been awesome.

But everybody gets judged by the meat vessel they come in. Yeah, well, of course they do. And it's like, it's being, I will say that the big thing is, I wish there were less white dudes who were starting to get rich over bitching about being a white dude. And like, you know, like, just in their own kind of self-made media like this, what there's kind of like, well, the thing is, those guys always go,

we all know how it is. I mean, they don't want white guys. And it's like, are you fucking crazy? It's such a crazy. They're still coming over white guys. They always are white guys. Bill Burr will always sell out. He just played Fenway.

They've never allowed a comedian ever. It's pretty crazy. That's insane. All those guys. And I texted him, I was like, I was like, well, huge room. And he's like, a lot of drunks. That's all he wrote back.

I was like, still not happy. Still a fucking miserable prick. But like, you know, I mean, it's disingenuous. It's like, yeah, it's like, did I not get a Netflix special because I'm white or because I'm not Jim Gaffigan? It's like, they have, they have enough of us, but just more people are getting shine. That's all.

A lot of people are getting shine. And here's the thing, the white dudes who go, you know, they're just, they're all full of white guys. It's like, no, what they, what they, the reality here is that you are not that great. That's what they always will celebrate. Any, any, like a director, if you audition for him, and they're, and you're just like, he just, you know,

didn't want me. It's like, yeah, you're probably, you know, he probably booked a better actor. Or you didn't fit. Well, you know, it could be, of course, is for acting as one because you could not fit the mold and you'd still be good. But this person who's like, I've never gotten work,

but I'm great. It's like, you're not that great. No, they're not. If you're like, yeah, because like greatness, if you're amazing, guess what? You'll get booked. Yes. If you're, like, if you're undeniably fucking funny,

not everyone's going to be like, we don't want anything to do with this person. And are you, are you uniquely you? That takes you at least 10 years to, you know, find your voice, as we say. But like, you know, there are people, one thing I've kind of tried to push the side is like, don't just, you know, be like, I got to kill.

It's like, no, I have to work on this stuff and I have to do stuff that's funny to me. Hope they like it. That's how you get good. Because you'll see, you know, audiences are very intuitive and they'll watch someone and someone will destroy. And they'll be like, ha, that was fun. But I don't know if, you know,

I didn't really connect with that person. You see someone who didn't do as well, but it's like, who is that? I remember them. You're totally right. You know, they said something crazy personal or said something, an angle I never thought of. So true.

You know what I mean? I think everyone's been like, if you don't stand up long enough, you've been on both sides of that. 100%. You've killed and known that everybody was like, like, oh yeah, that was great. And then you've not killed

and had everybody been like, who the fuck are you? Yeah, I did the Traverse City Festival in Michigan and like, I crushed this theater and then Sarah Tiana did great, but her set was so much better than mine. You know, because mine had all the, you know, I used to yell a lot more before and stuff and kind of really lean in.

Sure. You know, but like, you know, she just, she had these amazing bits about race and all that, you know, which is like, anytime a white comic can pull off good race shit. It's amazing. I love Sarah Tiana. She's great.

She's fantastic. So funny, so good. There's, yeah, there's, there's this thing where you have, because I remember too, after doing stand up for a while, you see those comics who their whole thing is have to kill.

Yeah. And then a few years go by and you're like, that is the same 15 minutes I've seen for like nine years. And it still kills. There's a thing, it still kills. And they don't want to not kill. So what they do is they just, they press play on that set and they never evolve.

That's the thing is that they, you go and you start doing things and then you realize they're doing the same shit in their career. It's because they will not let go of not, of killing. Yeah. They won't, they won't not,

they won't take a chance to. You got the picture of the store on the way in which I love next to the guy with the AR and the flag jacket. Yeah. I'm just keep this up. Keep this up that you guys and live in the desert in the other own compound.

You guys both have a nice looking harem, by the way. Yeah. You're your cage of dudes. Thank you. Nice work. Very nice. Thank you so much.

I appreciate it. You know, I like that that one guy had a belly. I do. I like to keep it unique. Yeah. But every flavor. Different diverse. I mean, I do the store at least once a week

and do OK to good to sometimes great, you know? Yeah. Because I'm just like, I got to work this shit. You know, I and and letting go of that, you have to destroy this ha, you know, hallowed room. I've done the store where the emotional experience of two sets or three sets in a night are completely all over the spectrum.

Holy shit. And the worst is when you start with a great one and you're like, fuck, yes. You walk into the other room and you're just like sweating and like, what's happening? And yeah, someone's barking at you and you're trying to do and you're like, what? Because that room keeps you honest, you know?

The OR will keep you honest. Oh, yeah. Yeah, like go have your. I remember saying to Emily, I was I was just like, I was like, whoosh, I just had a weird one. And she's like, oh, like Chris Rock does, you know, because rock comes in and just I hope this work. And it's kind of like, you know, and he'll get it back,

of course. But it's kind of like, we have to. My favorite thing is to see people at that level have a meat, like not a great set because it really affects you. You go, oh, yeah, Chris Rock didn't kill here because he was actually trying stuff, not the way comics go. I'm trying my, I'm doing all new stuff. And you're like, no, you're not.

No, you're not. I've seen this. No, you're not. Yeah. He's really doing it. He's really like this shit that he wrote down. And he's trying it. And it's either going to work or it's not.

Yeah. And because they want, they want that immediacy. They want the real shit. Yeah. You know, where everybody can see when you're just trotting out something you've done a billion times and then you all of a sudden go, I don't think I like my wife. Like something comes out like that and they're like,

okay, well, now you're talking about something real. Now we're, now we're leaning in. Well, especially with this medium, with podcasting, I don't know, at least me now, I have a really hard time watching scripted television or stuff that I know is bullshit. Because you're like, I could just listen to two people tell the truth for an hour and a half or I can watch something completely fucking bullshit.

Yeah. It's been years now. I watched that all that shit with my wife too. And one thing we'll pick it, be as like, all right, was that a, was that a plotline created by a producer? Or is that real? Oh yeah. You know what I mean?

Like the real housewives and shit is like those. I know. The date, I don't think any of them really know which way is up. They're kind of just like, all right, just tell me who I hate this week and I'll go from there. Those are all manufactured almost always. Yes. Yeah.

Well, because you can't just film people hanging out. Like. You used to. My wife likes that show, 18 and pregnant and boring. And have you guys seen that? No. The fucking show is so. I don't want to watch that.

You know, no, it's just 18 and pregnant, but it'll they'll just film them and it'll be like, so what happened? He got arrested again. Yeah. Credit. It's like that. It's literally that bad.

There's no, there's no anything. 16 and pregnant. I went high. 18 and pregnant. Be normal. I know that show 32 and pregnant. You want to see something cool? Please.

I want to laugh. OK. Here we go. Let's see if this is horrible or hilarious to you. I guess it's a beekeeper. I love it already. I'm in. There's a hive up there.

Can you pause it real quick? I just want to say this is this is when I see something like this. This is why America's funniest home videos will always be the funniest show of all time. The best. We might have talked about this because I could see a man on top of a barn on a pair of stilts and I know he's going to be OK. I can already start laughing. Yeah.

On your show I can't. This man might die. I don't know what's going to happen. He might, I feel like the bee thing is a misdirection. He's just going to fall, the bees are fine, and he's going to snap both legs and just scream on the ground. The probability of death, you're right. It's much higher.

Death or horrible injury or both. Yes. It's like 70, 30. Yeah. It's your mom's house. Fucking guy. OK. Let's sit here.

Oh, fuck. No, no, no. That's amazing. That's hilarious. That was great. That was a Buster Keaton move. Yeah. Like that was back in those things where they just have a camera on like Charlie Chaplin

and he'd do a backflip and fall like through the top of a car. I mean, to be a beekeeper you have to be kind of a psycho anyway. Yeah. OK, so for people listening, there's a guy, he's on top of a ladder and he has a beekeeper's mask on and there's a bag of bees. That's a thing, I guess. Yeah, yeah.

He's trying to remove the bee hive with that. Yeah, but there's a bag around it already. They must already hung the bag and then he has got some kind of hook and he's poking the bottom and he hits it from an angle that the bag flips and covers his head, sealing his face, eyes, nose, ears and mouth in with the bees. Yes. That's so funny.

He had a rough day. And then the camera just panned whoever was filming it was like, I don't want to die too. Oh, they just ran. Oh, yeah, they ran. Yeah, they're like, I'm out of here. Of course, that camera's on the ground. There's no one there.

That ship is unmanned. Oh, Jesus. That's my nightmare. Wait. Oh, you just took a jack. Oh, come on. We saw that coming. That's like real air pressure behind that.

Yeah, that's a lot. That's probably a rupture testicle. Yeah, probably. That's not just like, oh, I dropped this. That's a torn taint. Yeah. Yeah, it's a guy had what looked like, I thought it was a jackhammer between his legs.

Yeah, that looks like an air gun. There's an air gun. Yeah. And like from a mechanic shop. Yeah, mechanic shop, the kind of thing that. Don't say anything to me. The best is that that camera guy was like, this is, I got to keep filming.

Yeah. Oh, he stayed on him. Yeah, and that's just be honest. That's because he's Asian. That's a pro, dude. The Asians know to keep the content coming. Yes. You know, they don't go, are you OK?

Well, they're, you know, speaking broadly, they're about commitment. Yes. You know what I mean? Sure. I am the cameraman. Sure. I film.

I film until this is over. He agreed to do it. This guy could slowly die. I can't put this camera down and call an ambulance. OK. How did that, because did something pop off of that, or was it actually the gun? Let me see it again.

That is, oh, it's the gun. It's the gun itself, right? See, but he should have known. It's a stupid way to do that. Yeah. He lined it up with the balls. So he was trying to. I think he was trying to unscrew.

So he's got the drill. Yes, and he held it. And he's trying to unscrew the best thing. Inches from his balls. And then it cocked back, I think. Yeah. 01:39:31,240 --> 01:39:33,080 The pressure blew it right back.

So he wasn't expecting that gun to come back, yeah. What was that? OK, on. That was cool. There's another one here. Dur, dur, dur, dur. This one might be bad. Oh, that's not good.

That is not good. I don't think so. Hey, guess what? He's fine. He's all right. OK, OK. Can you explain to people what they just happened? A dude to a TikTok soundtrack just was riding up on a bicycle.

And he hits, he does a nendo, flies right over the handlebars. And there's a bus passing him. He goes under the wheel. Like, wedges under the wheel. His head stops the bus. Let's watch it again. That. Oh, my God.

No, it's a motorcycle. He flies off a motorcycle under a tire. And. And the bus backs up and they get him out and he's fine. Lesson is, always wear a helmet. Wear a helmet, yeah. How is he fine? That's incredible.

That is incredible. He definitely has some sort of muscular tear. Or the neck at least, dude. I mean. He remembers this. Yeah, don't write this up. He'll be like, no, I remember it this day. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, if he sees a kid with like a toy bus, he's like, oh, yeah. Jesus, dude. Yeah. No, by the way, that's all he had on the helmet. He's got shorts on. Yeah. No fucking shoes. That's what I see guys riding a motorcycle with shorts on.

I'm just like, you want like strawberry legs? And yeah, it's so crazy. It's bananas. These guys are like, I'm comfortable. So I got to be comfortable. Yeah, I got to be. OK. Now he sees a toy bus and he just goes.

Oh, God. Oh, I marched into political rally this week. Oh, you did? Yeah. I was in Canada. OK. And they had these massive marches in the streets, like anti-trudeau marches.

And I'm not anti-trudeau, but I hadn't done any cardio. And I walked out of the hotel and I just got involved. Oh, how cool for you? Yeah. We had like fucked-trudeau signs. And I was like, I was like, whatever. I didn't matter to me. That's wild.

We did like three miles. It was good. What is the big beef with trudeau over the masking thing? I think there's a lot of that coming down on our rights kind of thing. 01:41:52,600 --> 01:41:53,880 You know, these guys are fucked. People are like, you know.

You know. Sure. Oh, right. Yeah. They're like, you know. Yeah. Yeah, they're still like, there's still masks on the flight if you're flying into Canada.

Yeah. Oh, OK. Like, you know, like, I think people are kind of here or probably past that for the most part. How many of those guys marching were white dudes who can't get stand-up gigs? About 90, 95 percent. It was pretty white guys.

Got to have pretty white guys. It was pretty white guy heavy. But, you know. Proud-ish boys. It was great cardio. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like it. That sounds cool, Tom.

Through some shit through a window. It was fun. Wow. We killed a guy, you know. Saw a guy fall off his motorcycle, didn't help him. We just kept marching. Well, he exercised his rights to not wear a helmet. He sure did.

His head blew up like a melon. Yeah. I remember meeting a guy one time who was like, yeah, man, I don't wear seat belts. And I was like, OK. And he was like, you know what I mean? I don't have to do it. I was like, you definitely don't have to do it.

01:42:47,240 --> 01:42:47,640 Yeah. Just be comfortable. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I, a friend of mine had one of those jeeps with no doors. Yeah. And the seat belt was broken for easily a year.

He would pull his shoulder seat belt and sit on it. So cops wouldn't stop him. I'm just like. What's the win there? There's no win. It's just that thing of being lazy and not getting the thing fixed. This guy had a corvette, too. He had like a fast fucking car.

He was like, he's like, I don't wear one because I don't, you know, I'm not. You can't tell me what to do. I was like, definitely. No one's like that. You should see what happens when you take this thing and you hit a light pole. Yeah.

And you don't have that thing on. No, I remember as a kid when California passed the seat belt law, it was like 1987 or something. And people were so pissed and reluctant. And I remember even me as a kid being like, I don't wear some fucking seat belts. So dumb. Yeah.

We didn't wear them. No. My grandpa used to buy a new mobile velvet couch like every other year, like a big ass El Dorado or something. I remember those back seats. It was like being on just a velvet, like a cocktail lounge in Vegas.

The back seat was insane. And me and my cousin, Beth, were just pinball, just rolling over each other as he's taking corners, you know, like no seat belt. Like, no, nobody had one on. Dude, I don't remember car seats as a kid. Like I was four and in the front seat with my mom. And the Toyota Corolla.

Yeah, we would all be. She was smoking. Yeah. There would be six of us in the back of a station wagon crawling on each other. And they're just going through lights and driving. You're going to think this is bullshit. But my aunt Molly flew out the window and she was a baby.

My dad had three brothers and six sisters. And in one car, going to church, and I guess grandpa Max took a corner too fast and someone was holding the baby. And she just flew out the window and into a snowdrift. Right in the side, just sat there. It's like a hole. And they got to church.

They're like, where's the fucking baby? And, you know, my grandma was losing her mind and they drove back and found the hole and pulled her out of the snow and went back. Flew out the way. Right in the side. That's why I have one Kim. I'm rarely speechless on this show.

That's insane. And all my uncles used to drag race with my aunts like in the pasture seat as toddlers. We're at Sioux City, Iowa. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. This is crazy.

I mean, I panic. I was at Touch-A-Truck on Saturday with my two boys. Fuck, I can't even get it out of my mouth. Sister-in-law took my daughter and her son to Touch-A-Truck. That's the best. Over the weekend. Yeah. But I mean, literally, I think I took the kids.

We were standing in line for slushies and I turned around. I couldn't see Julian and I panicked for a second. He was just right there. He was just like under my wing. Yeah. And like, I couldn't imagine losing a baby in snow. Yeah. She, Rose was out of my eyesight on a playground once

and I just lost my mind. I was so scared. Yes. Terrifying. For like half a minute. Yeah. You know, didn't get to a new destination and go. Oh my God.

Yeah. And then to think like we should go back. Let's drive back. Let's drive back. And look in the snow to see where the baby fell. Where did the baby go out the window? That's the mystery we're trying to solve. Yes.

That's wild. Yeah. I mean, and it's funny when I tell that story with a childless person, they're just laughing and laughing. Yeah. You know, like you don't know consequences. It's not really.

01:46:30,120 --> 01:46:32,200 Because you don't have to. That's panic. Horrifying. Horrifying. Yeah. You ready to show them your curation? I'm ready to take talks.

01:46:37,800 --> 01:46:38,200 Okay. Oh, sweet. You ready, bro? Here we go. Let's do it. I love these. I mean, for real, I can't say it any better than this. I'm ready to lay down.

Baby girl, I'm ready to put you first. Ready to make a family. Make it real. I'm done with all the bullshit now. Just a good TikTok. Who's that for? It's wholesome. Is it for one lady?

Is it for all the ladies of TikTok? Well, I've been lucky enough to see a few of his posts. And I don't know. That's my answer. I don't know if this is for one person or for all women. Okay. He is done with all the bullshit. Just to be a forensic detective who just got to the crime scene.

Yeah, yeah. I just got here. I haven't, we haven't ran any lab work. I think this is for everybody. This is for you. This is for every woman who's watching. All women. Just anyone.

He's ready to lay down in his life for all of us? He's ready for a family. By the way, is he fucking like 63? Do you want to start? I want to start a family now. He's got no shirt on. Yeah, it's perfect for the cool guy. The angle's good.

The angle's attractive. Yeah, it's a great angle. You're basically, he's basically interrupted you blowing him. Yeah. To go. You're looking at him. It looks like, I mean, it's obviously a closet, but it's the angle if you're taking a shit

that you'd film yourself out. Just like looking down like. Baby girl, I'm here for you. This is how comfortable I am with you, baby girl. Yeah. He does look like he's taking a shit. He does. They're taking a shit.

Maybe he's shitting in his closet. Maybe he's that cool. In the hamper. I get comments all the time saying like, this is my favorite eyeball yet, but it looks like it hurts or like, doesn't that hurt? I'm going to show you why it doesn't.

But first a quick moment of appreciation for that. Damn. Before you come for me, my hands are freshly washed and sanitized. Okay. This thing is so shiny. It's hard to even get my camera to focus on it. I got to get Josh Potter some shit like this.

I know. If you look. I know we should. All of the stones are encased inside the process. Isn't that crazy? Stunted out eyeballs. Get before you come for me, I washed the eye and lubed it up

with some of these silicone eye drops that my oculars gave me. By the way. There it goes. I mean. And we're ready to rally. I think she's pretty rad. No, she's amazing.

You're like, I don't have any problem with this. I think she's rad as shit. Oh, it's cool. I definitely have my little hangups because anything with extremities is always, your nose, your mouth, your eyes, your hands, your feet. You know, anything where it's just there's an irregularity. You go, whoa.

But she's owning it. Yeah, yeah. And she's pretty and she's confident. And she's just like, check out this eye I put in today. She's got like a whole fucking case full of eyes. And just if you would, if you're beginning to think that this is a one off, you're wrong. No, no, it's clearly down an entire rabbit hole

of other people with prosthetic eyes that they bedazzled or like made cool. It's a whole lane of tick tock prosthetic eye lane. Would you guys do that? If I was missing an eye, fuck. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah. I put that terminator on.

Terminator. That's the first thought I had. Oh my god. Yes. Break people out. Oh my god. Yeah, that'd be incredible. I'd make myself wall eyed.

I'll put an eye that looks over here. I'd be like a chill terminator. Like, hey, you know, have you seen, there's a woman, Sarah Connor. The guy just showed up. I would walk naked into places. Like, hey, grab your clothes and keys your motorcycle. Listen.

And then just one guy is like, I get it. Like they had to make one terminator with like, you know, a body like mine. You know what I mean? Like kind of doughy, just a normal dude body. A normal dude. You know, those guys, when you see them you're naked, you're like, you got to put something on.

Yeah. Shortsnaker walk around naked at that age, you're just like, dude, don't put shit on. So interesting you're saying this movie, because I was just watching it on our elliptical your day. And I'm like, he was perfect. So good. The body?

Yeah. Is it's almost like your observation earlier. Yeah. That having a great body makes you hotter. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you can't say shortnaker's face was like amazing. No.

He's got like a kind of a dumb guy face. But his tush, like they just showed his tush walking. And I was like, guess what? Bodybuilding makes you look good. Yeah. Exercise makes you hotter. Amazing, amazing commentary. I think it was Polly and Kale when Pumping Iron came out,

she described him as looking like a condom stuff with walnuts. Yeah. That's, he was perfect. Yeah. The perfect male physique. I mean, it looked like if you were making a sculpture, a drawing of the perfect physique, it was unbelievable. Yes.

Yes, exactly. The size, the definition. And it wasn't like too, it's weird because he's huge, but it's not too much. Look at the dot, guys. He's trying to. It's OK. We're moving on.

You can stop. Yeah. He's trying to touch. Oh, God. I thought that was mud. Do you know what those are? What is that? Scorpions.

Get out. No. He's watering, watering the scorpion bowls. I don't know. But those are just bowls of water. And I don't know. Maybe this is in India, like where they worship scorpions or something.

Dana Gould had a scorpion infestation in his house. Stop. Can you imagine? Not just found one. 01:52:00,680 --> 01:52:00,680 01:52:00,680 --> 01:52:01,240 Inside. Yeah.

Inside. Yes. Yes. In the... Why am I always sitting on his balls to listen to him? You beautiful fucking bitches out there. You're talking shit, man. Help me understand.

Y'all out there looking for a solid, solid motherfucker, right? Yeah. Man, there's a motherfucker right here. Hell yeah. Well, you know, first of all, this guy, this is the one that lets me know he's for sure done time. Like probably a couple of bits.

01:52:32,200 --> 01:52:33,320 This dude's done real. I mean, the language choice is alone. Yeah. Like, you know, it's... Ladies don't. You know, on the motherfucker reel. Yeah. For all you drop dead, goddamn beautiful fucking bitches out there.

Yeah. When you're talking shit, man. When you're talking shit. Help me understand. Y'all out there looking for a solid, solid, solid motherfucker, right? Yeah. Man, there's a motherfucker right here.

I'm going to poet that. It's a really common expression for guys who've done time that like, are you a solid motherfucker? You know, a solid... Well, and just the vernacular of calling any woman a bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no derogatory, like... No, I didn't mean anything right.

You know? Just a bitch. I love my bitch. I love my bitch more than life. I'm fucking... Okay, can you maybe not call her a bitch, man? I'm not... On the motherfucker reel.

I am a big fan and I hope we get a lot more of his stuff. Did he have the pierced? I didn't see them in on the other one. When he was taking a shit, it wasn't in. Maybe he could clean it up. I almost said septum, but that's down here. Yeah. I don't know what that is.

The bridge? Like the bridge of the nose, I think? That just seems so goddamn painful. Well, on the motherfucker reel, some bitches like that shit. Gee, it's true. Yeah? It's true. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Oh, good God, so large. I just sent this on today. I thought that was a puppy. There's a... Okay, this man has a... I will duplicate this at the end of the month.

The whole dead chicken, you know, plucked and processed and he's lubing it. Oh, is this guy going to fuck this chicken? That's the only thing I could think about when I saw this. Is it a chicken or a turkey? There's a chicken. It might be a chicken turkey. Yeah, it's pretty big, but I thought he was going to fuck it too.

Oh my God. He's just basting it and folding it. It's menacing his shit the way he's doing it. That's scary. Chewing gum and looking at the camera. The gum chew and the eyeballing the camera. He does look like he's related to me. It's the only one I thought it took seven.

If I darkened my beard, you'd be like, Tom? Oh no, he's so loving with that chicken. He really is. Like, I wish I were that. It's cool that this is a fetish I didn't know about. Moving on. Can't believe we're married. Why?

These are great. Is it... Do you not want to be married? No, it's cool. I just met you one day and now we're fucking married. Yeah. So stupid. Stupid how?

Is anesthesia conversations are the best? Because we don't know if it's going to work out. So real. It's so fine when those... That's those are the best. So they have people coming out of their wisdom teeth getting around and they're like, uh-huh. They start just saying, and then they start crying.

They get really emotional. Like when I came out of ketamine, remember? Yes, yes. What was I saying to you? You were like, I had a vision and it was... We were all there. You were off super emotional. I was like, okay, that's good.

My wife got induced to have Rose because if your baby wasn't born on the day, you had to get induced. Yeah, same with us, the second one. Oh, for real? Yeah. And she hadn't had anything to drink for nine months or whatever. You know, like a sip of wine or whatever, but no buzz. And when they gave her that first hit of probably like fentanyl or something,

the nurse is like, hey, so how are you? And she goes, I'm high. And they're... Good, good. Responding all critically. That's a good sign that you're high. Yeah, that's good. Nothing better, man.

Drugs are the best. They really are great. I remember coming... I remember being at JFL one year and being... Like getting on the plane with everybody and we just... We were up all night. One of those like early, early days ones. And I was so hungover.

Oh, seven dude, new faces. Yeah, that's right. Gotta talk about that too. Because I remember you making fun of that guy and it makes... It still makes me laugh. And I was so hungover and someone gave me a... I'd never had a Valium before and I took it on the plane and it was just life changing. I was like, I feel so much better.

Awesome. Yeah, we were New Faces 07 and there was one comic who had a blazer on cover with Moons and Stars from England. And you were backstage with me making fun of him during his act. And I don't know what I've laughed at harder in my life. I was crying, laughing. It was helping us get through the tension because it's very tense. So tense.

Back to the industry. Yeah. You really feel like... You really feel like someone's gonna give you a blessing or not. Or not. And then it's over. Yeah, Nikki Glaser. I remember you got off stage and you wasn't happy with the set and she was just like,

I bombed at Montreal. I was just saying that out loud over and over and I was like, Nikki, no, you didn't stop it. Yeah. You know. We all thought it was... They're our final audition. Yes.

Yes. They would never see any of us again. And did it matter? No. That's the crazy part. No. And I bombed like my life at Gotham audition. I bombed so hard and I was like, it didn't matter.

I still got here. I still like... And I was so upset. I was so... It's crushing. It's like I grew up in my career right now. It's crushing. Yeah.

All these little setbacks, they're not even... Wait, because you did five minutes? Five minutes. Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing I hated the most about late night sets. It's like just five. You know what I remember from that?

From that new faces thing too, is that Kurt Metzger did like material... Like he killed with in the moment stuff. Meaning like... Yeah. Like everybody was like... My set is just structure stuff. And he was like making fun of Canada and killing and I was like, how the fuck are you doing?

I was amazed by it. Doing. 01:58:07,160 --> 01:58:07,640 Yeah. I was amazed by it. It was so funny. Yeah. That's like what Sam Jay does every time I see her.

Just talks about her day and just destroys. Couldn't believe it. And he just didn't care. And I was like, wow, that's wild. Didn't care. You can't manufacture not caring. No, you can't. You can't be like, I'm the casual guy and you're up there with your hands are shaking.

Here's another one for you. I bathe in my own urine every day. Whatever I've collected. Because I always have these jars going. I just throw in my bath water. Oh. It just looks like he sat next to a stranger at a coffee shop. Yeah.

You know, something about me, I mean, Greg. I bathe in my urine every day. Every day. Well, and he collects it throughout the day and then he puts it in his bath water. I mean, first of all, if you're going to piss... I bathe in my own urine every day. Like, do it fresh. Do you know what I mean?

Like you want to collect it in the morning and then you've got old piss. Yeah. It's cold. It's in your bath water. And it looks like somebody was like, what are all these pages? And then he was like, oh, I bathe in my own urine every day. And they're like, what the fuck are you talking about? What are these?

One of those bits I never could make land, but it's just one of the things I relate to so much is when you're like in public or you're on a bus and a guy starts talking to you and you start talking to him back and then halfway through the conversation, you're like, oh, you're fucking crazy. You're crazier than shit. This is what this is. Just see the guy next to him who's just like, he got interrupted. He's talking to his wife.

And this guy's like, I piss on myself. And he's like, fine. And he realized coffee shops have no security. You can't call a cop. Or this is the notary. He's trying to finalize like the sale of a house before you get to signing. Can I just tell you, was it Christina? I pissed my own mouth.

And let me tell you, it is not delicious. But you feel great. Can you just stamp this man? He just keeps telling you a thing that already takes so long. So it's so horrible. Please get out of my house. So many. I want to get this done.

Hearing qualities people don't know about. The stuff that comes out of you, put it back in. Put it in. The stuff that your body, it's expelling toxins. It's waste. People are like, put it back in. I want it back. It's fine.

Yeah. It's like, you can drink your urine to survive. That's option Z. You sound like you're from the fucking 1800s talking like this. Why don't you take a coal-powered train? Do you still use leeches to cure, to get rid of the demons inside you that caused the flu? I mean, that's just, you know. Urine therapy too.

I gargle with my urine. It really works that he is wearing like the crispest white shirt. That shirt is so, that looks like, he looks like- Because you don't expect him to say it. It looks like they're shooting a commercial with Don Shula. And he's the stand-in. And the stand-in is just coming over. Excuse me, guys.

I know you're all sports legends. I pee in my mouth. And then one of like that first day, he's like, hey Don. Don, can I talk to you a second? Does he make you uncomfortable? Because we can get rid of him right away. Yeah? We swap him out?

Okay, no problem. God, that's totally how they talk to you in showbiz. Oh, 100%. I've forgotten that whole thing. Yep. Is that, are you okay? Did we just- Can we just, can we have you hold real quick?

Can we just hold? Can not go out. And we're going, we're going, we're going. Go ahead. Christina. Yeah. All right, a reminder. The new special Doug releases on Moment Tomorrow, October 6th.

You can also keep, it's going to be available there for a- For a couple weeks. A couple weeks. So just go to moment.co slash Matt Bronger, and it'll, it's up there. And I'm the, if you watch it on the 6th, on the premiere night, I'm going to be doing like a little VIP thing at the end. Yes. You want to tag that on?

And I do, I do, I'd created merch that I think Doug would enjoy. That's great. That's amazing. I didn't say about this in the special, but we can't, we all went out to like a big club and they put us on a shuttle bus. It was in Anguilla, in the Caribbean. And we came back to the thing and there were signs up in the hotel for like DJ Sugar is spending a night.

And Doug is like, DJ Sugar, and we got to see DJ Sugar. And he's punching dudes in the arm and he's like, let's go DJ Sugar. So he's that guy who full on is like wearing a young person's clothes. Sure. And is deep, very cool. Deep into his 50s. Yeah, yeah. You see, and just, just wants to get lit.

Yeah. He's going to pass out. You're going to take pictures with him. Some cool patterns on his shirt. Yeah. So I got these really loud neon shirts that say Doug. All right. Yeah.

That's awesome. That's a great idea. If you are watching this on the YouTube, there is a link in the description that'll take you straight to where you can watch it. So congratulations on the special. Thank you. And thank you for coming, man. Man, this is a blast.

I love the show. And I'm glad that you guys have, you know, built it up to this. This is fantastic. Thank you, man. How far is this compound outside of Wakeup? This is going to take about 45 minutes to get back to Wakeup. Because they put a bag over my head and sedated me. I have no clue where I am.

Well, they're about to do it again. Oh, OK. Over there. Oh, yep. Hey. Oh, hi, Razor. Bye, guys. You just did that.

Bye, lovey. Hey, everybody. Gorth Brooks. Enter Sheeran. And we're proud to say we stand with Ukraine, especially the refugees. There's a global initiative. And of course, supplies and aid is already spread then. And this is where you come in.

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