Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 679 - Al Franken - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 26, 2022

Come see Al Franken live! Get tickets to The Only Former U.S. Senator on Tour Tour here: https://alfranken.com/appearances The I'm Coming Everywhere Tour continues in 2023 and it's going international! Use code: TOMMY for the pre-sale that starts on 10/26 at 8am PT. Go to https://tomsegura.com/tour for full dates and tickets! SPONSORS:- Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to get $200 off ANY mattress of your choice. WHAT'S UP CHOMOS!! On this week's YMH, Tom Segura and Christina P discuss the Terminator movies, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and take a look at one of their favorite recent TikTok cool guys, as well as some high and tight fan tattoos.Al Franken is a comedian, politician, media personality, and author. He shares some of his wildest stories from his time on Saturday Night Live including working with Michael Jordan and Steven Seagal when they hosted. Al also shares his opinions on Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, and gives insight on working in the U.S. Senate. And, Al has a special talent of drawing the 50 states from memory, which he does flawlessly for the Main Mommies. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

Hey guys, what's up? The I'm Coming Everywhere World Tour continues in 2023, going to places like Mexico, South America, and all over Europe. The tickets are on pre-sale right now using the promo code TOMMY. You can go to tomsegra.com slash tour and get your tickets. One of the first interviews I did, I'm asked, the first question was, when you were at SNL, did you ever do cocaine? Yes, but I only did a little and only so I could stay awake late enough to make sure the blue she didn't do too much. Welcome to your mom's house. This episode of your mom's house is brought to you by Satva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit. That's right. That is the complete URL because with that URL you get $200 off any mattress

of your choice. We've slept on them all and I appreciate good sleep now more than ever. There's nothing like sleeping on a Satva mattress. It feels like home and it feels like I'm going to get a great night's sleep whenever I sleep on it. I sleep on these other mattresses all the time because I'm on the road constantly and it depresses me. It depresses me to sleep on another mattress. I want nothing more than Satva to show up at these hotels with their mattress takeaway service and set it on fire in the front of the hotel in the lobby possibly and then put one of the Satvas in the hotel. Anyway, you don't have to go that far, but I would go to Satva S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit and get $200 off any mattress of your choice. And we're back. Welcome to

another episode of Your Mom's Place. You don't have your hair anymore. What happened to your plugs? You spent so much money and time. I'll be honest with you. It was the bullying. What? Who bullied you? Everybody. Who dared bully you? So hard. It fucking broke me. People in person, people online. They're like, who do you think you are? And like, you know, it was just, it was terrible. You know what, Tommy? Those people are haters and they're just jealous of your beautiful, full head of hair that you have. Well, it's another 38 grand down the drain. 38 grand, my goodness. Fucking doing that again. They're fucking haters. How full the haters do? It's machines within all day. I know. Machines within. Machine within.

Working on my flow. Working on my rhymes. I just, I don't know. I'm just, just done with it, I think. Yeah. It's okay. You know what though? It's good to change up your look every now and then and like try a new thing. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Can I tell you what I'm really into lately? What's that? Terminator movies. You have been. You even pointed out that you told me Schwarzenegger was in really good shape. I don't know if you guys know this, but that guy Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah. He had quite a body. He worked out. Quite a bit. So, but what I've learned in all the Terminator movies is that one, the future robots have built a time machine, but they can't figure out how to keep clothing on the

robots that they send back. It's interesting. And they made a robot that speaks English with an Austrian accent, which is really crazy. That is also fascinating because it's a robot. Yeah. That they were like, all right, we want him to speak English, but could he sound like he was Austrian born and learned English later in life? Like Germans is first language. It's a very specific, so you say they can do all that, but they can't. Why wouldn't they go like beep, and then make it speak just English with no accent? I don't know. It's very sophisticated. It's very thought-provoking. Yeah, it is. And I never heard that point brought up. This is a robot. You know what? Because this is what I think about. This is my gift, Tom,

is to think about stupid shit. And then make it talk. I will kill you. And they're like, no, make it say, I will kill you. Better. Well, you know what got me to thinking about that is the iconic line. Look at that fucking chest on the back. The iconic line of when he goes, I'll be back. Yeah. And I thought to myself, I says self. Yeah. If he had just said that, like an American like, hey, I'll be back. It wouldn't have been the phenomenon that it became. It was the accent that everybody loved. Because here, check this out. Go ahead. I'll be back. But even say it with like, terminate. Go ahead. Go ahead. I'll be back. It wouldn't care. They just be like, oh, they got to be back. That's fine. See you later.

But the fact that he was, I'll be back. It was iconic. It was iconic. I'll be back. It was so silly. And also to, yeah, so back to his bod. So in the first movie, yeah, he time travels from the future to kill Sarah Connor, right? Yeah. And he drops naked. And his, okay, yes, he's a bodybuilder, but his body is a work of art. It is. Because there's guys that are bodybuilders. And you see like, yeah, that guy's got a huge chest, but his physique was just stunning. And I think arguably like the greatest naked body of all time was Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, I would agree. I would agree. I mean, it was the development and the symmetry. And it was all like, yeah. The face was gorgeous. Yeah. I mean, the guys from another country.

Let me see this. Women sometimes they go, do you think it really is personal preference? A lot of women will be like, I don't like that. Like they don't like overly muscular. I don't like that in real, in RIL as the kids say, because I don't, I would, it was too intimidating. Like I see it as an aesthetic, like I admire beauty. It looks like a, it looks like a statue, like a sculpture. It's like David, but even David wasn't that fucking jacked. David's a fucking pussy homo compared to Arnold Schwarzenegger. And I think Schwartz has a bigger dong too. David's got a tiny one. How do you know what Schwartz is done? Because it shows it in the, when the, when he gets dropped to earth, you know, shows the dong. It's like a,

they show like an outline of it. Yeah. There's a, he's naked in both Terminator films. I remember that he's naked, but I remember seeing dong. Well, you have to look, Tom, if you, it depends on what you're looking for. And no, no, no. Oh, yeah. I know, but you, there's, there's actual penis in the term. No, you see shadow of it. You don't see, but I'm saying the shadow had a good hang to it. It wasn't like David where it's like a little kids. So this is, I'm up to Terminator three. So don't quiz me on that. But, so it turns out, and I was doing a deep dive on it, Linda Hamilton, the star. Why is the Terminator aging? That's another question. The robots were like, we want you to look more human. You gotta age, you should get graze.

And you know what I noticed in every movie, they have to find a hot lava factory to dump the robot into kill. There's always gotta be a lava factory. And it's amazing that they find one every single time. Have you ever seen a lava factory? No, no. They found three so far. Yeah, you know, the, the word, I mean, even he says it, but like back when he, back when he was a competitive bodybuilder. Yeah. And he was in Venice Beach, you know, Muscle Man, he was just a fuck factory. I believe it. Oh, I believe it. He's, he's a statue. He's, yeah, he was just like, running through him. Yeah. Beyond, beyond. I mean, yeah. So he wins Mr. Universe. He comes from Austria. He's a little kid essentially on Venice Beach. And then doesn't he become an actor after

he wins Mr. Olympia or something? He did seven. He won seven times. Look at that. I mean, yeah, it's not, it's not human. Normal build. It's not even human. Look at that one to the right of that. Just that guy walking towards you. And then he playing Kona on the barbarian too. Remember in the 80s. It's just so developed. So then Schwartzy, he becomes a bodybuilder and then he becomes an actor and not just an actor, like the most famous actor. And then he becomes a governor of California. I can't even like speak, you know, perfect English. It's amazing. It's amazing what this guy did. And then he married a Kennedy. I mean, before that he married a Kennedy. And then he banged the housekeeper and made a baby was her. It was just like win, win, win, win, win,

but that makes sense. You know, it does it. Yeah. Kind of. Tell me. Well, I mean, look at what I'll look at his accomplishments. Like at that point, you kind of deserve it. But I never banged the housekeeper had to baby the fuck. He was just overwhelmed that day. He just got in there and was like, Oh, I just had to have to have to calm. Yeah. Do you think that's what it was? That one day he's like, where's Maria? There she is. And Maria is nowhere. And then he's like, ah, I'll have to fuck the housekeeper. Yeah. He was just hard to get it out. There's the Terminator's baby right there. Yeah. Look at him. Look at that kid. Dang. Those are shorty jeans right there. He's got those jeans are powerful. Powerful. Yeah. You think no,

the Terminator can't come though. He's a robot, but he's got a skin on him and blood. Oh, look at that picture on the far left there. That's the kid with long hair. Snap. Look at him. Look at that face. That kid is. Yeah, he's got the jeans. He's got the jeans. Yeah. The Terminator jeans. She couldn't turn it down either. You realize that. Who could? You're the housekeeper and Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to, you're like, yeah. Do you want to fuck? Yeah. Yes. Do you want to fuck? These big nipples. Come as you suck me dry. These big naps. Yeah. Oh, there's his son. Yeah. And he doesn't do, I bet that kid doesn't do shit like, and he has that bod. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't think that kid has to do much.

That's his genetics. Yeah. He's just like, oh, I'm just existing and I'm all jacked. Also, Schwartz, he didn't get his bod just by genetics, you know? No. He was a fucking psycho workout guy. Well, I heard that his father was very strict back in Austria. They tended to be back then, didn't they? Yeah. Yeah. And his father would shame him about not being fit enough. It was very important to be fit. He talked one time about, he had a body that was pretty crazy already and then he was like, I knew I said, Arnold, you are fat. Because he wasn't like vascular, you know? He was still like more jacked than 99% of people. But he had that wheel, you know? He's got the achiever's mind. High achiever. Yeah, the guy just goes for it. He went for it.

He did it. He won an incredible life. Another guy who's also led an incredible life. Here we go. You want a man that'll treat you right, treat you good, worship the ground you walk on, put you first, and then everything else later? Yes. You know, I'm your dude, man. I'm real. I'm all about it. Trust that. Trust it. Trust that. Trust. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn when the fuck is there. Yeah. You know, I don't know why people are messing with Tinder in the apps when there's so many available good men on TikTok. And you can see what they look like, you know, what they really look like.

He has an interesting plea, though. His plea is like, I'm a solid dude. Yeah, he likes America. You can see that. It is a solid dude angle is very prison-oriented, you know? That's where you learn to speak like that. Are you a solid motherfucker? That's true. Solid. Can we count on you when the blacks come in? Yeah. To fucking do your part? When this race war starts. And he's like, fuck you, I'm solid as shit, man. I'll shank that one right now. Check this shit out. And I like that he has taken that from that world and brought it into dating. It's very rare

that somebody will adapt that. But the right chick is going to come along and see that and appreciate that. Absolutely. The right chick. That is right. Yes. And that cool piercing? Like I said, I'm all about the old school. I know how to treat a lady. If a lady is a lady, I put my lady first. Oh yeah, he's impressed. I do worship the ground she walks on. So let's hook this up. Let's do it right. Let's do it right. Let's hook it up. Let's do it right. And he also said, if a lady is a lady, which means if you're not quite the lady he's expecting, that could go another way. He could cut your throat open. I don't know. Something could happen. Yes, Alex. I'll take Monkey Dick and Bull Pussy for 200, please. Okay. And

the Daily Double. Fuck you, goddamn it. I didn't expect that. That was such a fucking curveball. He was really wooing me. And then that stuff seemed a little aggressive. I think it could also you could run into that if you were dating. I'm turned off now. I would like the top where he was like, I want to worship you. I want to treat you like a lady. I was like, yeah, I want those things. Let's see where it goes from there. Hey, bro, no trip. Throw your mother fucking haters. It's all good, bro. Keep hating. Obviously in your DNA. It's what you're about. You punk ass bitches. Keep on hating. It's all good. Yeah. How did that make you feel?

It just like, it just raises insecure. You know what I mean? Like he had me and I went, I want to treat you like a lady and then he's like, it's all good. Like when people have to say like, I think if you do, it's not, it's not attractive. If you do haters keep hating, you shouldn't go then to like, fuck you bitch. You got to be like, I don't care. Do you know what I mean? If you have aggression in response, like it's actually you are agitated by it. Yeah, which is what this video always is, which is like, fuck you haters, like why you then don't even address them. Don't address the haters. That's the power move. You know, he's giving them more power and like, now I'm turned off. I'm just like,

I was going to date him and now I'm like, no, thank you. Prison will wire you a certain way that kind of leads into real life. Prison will build you in such a way. Yeah, I am built in such a way that I can't really help myself. It's not going to get hard till I'm ready to come. Okay. God, he haunts us. He haunts. He haunts my life. He's like, that's my hole. That's where it spits. I think about that once a week. Yeah. Well, that's my hole. That's where it spits. Man, that just stuck with me. That in that time my stepdad kissed me in the corner of the mouth.

Yeah, it's not that that big. There's a few things that haunt me. It's not normal size. It's not that that big. Yeah, yeah. Don't you're not going to be needing a doggie bag to take it home. Man. Yeah. I'd like to share with you, Tom, when I was at CB Live in Fartnix, Arizona recently. There was a mommy by the name of Alex who doesn't work at that club, actually, but requested to work the club because he was such a mommy.

He showed me a tattoo that he and his fiance got. I would love for you to share this with our audience because I thought it was just so wonderful and so dedicated. Okay, let's see. It really shows the dedication of the mommy tribe out there. I just wanted to give him a shout out. There they are. That's Alex and his fiance and his tattoo says, don't be stingy and hers says handsome woman. Wow. Don't be stingy. Yeah. And I just loved it.

Wow. Thanks a lot, guys. You got that beautiful mouth. I like when people find love through YMH. Like when they bond on it, they trauma bond. Basically, that's what that is. That is what it is. Are you fucked up the way I'm fucked up? Let's get married. You never know who you're going to find here. Really, the bottom line is, right here, right now, I'm tired of being alone.

I'm sick to death of being alone. Oh, dear. Come on, Mrs. Wright, where are you? Because I'm right here. Let's look it up. Let's talk. Let's do this. Okay, now we're getting into desperate territory. Yeah, it took a turn. Bad energy. That was not a good turn.

It's bad energy. Oh, shit. Also, I will say this. I think you should treat this correctly. I don't think that TikTok is the right platform, though, to resolve this. Now, Tom, Yana, might not suggest I'm not on the dating apps, but I know the young ins are in the office, what not, what have you. And usually, there's photographs that you swipe on. Wouldn't it be nice to have a video, perhaps instead,

where you could see the person talk and see what they look like? But that's an argument for TikTok to be the... To be used as a dating platform. Hit me up. Damn me. That's like an entire archive of their madness. You can see exactly how they're mentally ill. I think it's kind of ideal.

I'm sure you kids already use the TikTok as a dating app. Do you? I would. Do you guys use TikTok as a dating app? It's slide into DMs. Nope. No. I only use it for work.

And also, I think Hinge lets you do a video. Yeah, you can do videos. Do people do the videos, though, or is that frowned upon? Is that nerdy? No, you do it. They do. You do? All right.

Does that work in their favor or in your not favor? Depends on who they are and what they act like on video. This guy, it would totally work. Oh, yeah, this would be good for him. Oh, this guy? You come. Oh, I think that no, the video would work against him. He needs to not speak as much as possible.

Oh, yeah. He needs to zip the lip. He should go on Tinder and just put photos up. If him and the flag, some conservative woman would be like, I love his patriotic. I love that. He loves his country. Bridge piercing.

Sweating like a black man. I think that what he would also, you know, his bio line would just be like solid motherfucker. Some chicken would be like, oh, I'm looking for a solid dude. Insane dudes, yeah. Well, look, why don't we take a quick break and we'll be right back. And we're back with just a man who's lived a very average life.

We've been on Saturday Night Live. Most people have become U.S. senators. Al Franken, everybody. Thanks for having me. Yeah, no, thank you for doing it. Just a thank you. You're going to be the only former U.S. senator on tour tour. Currently on tour tour.

Currently on tour tour. That is a wild thing that, I mean, just to say, United States Senator, is there a holy shit moment when you, when they're like, you're. When I won? Yeah. Yeah, that was, I clobbered my opponent in the first race by 312 votes.

I don't know if you remember, we had a recount that lasted essentially nine months. It was a legal battle. And so finally when it happened, I, yeah, well, I was thrilled. Yes, of course. And then when I got sworn in, I was the 60th Democratic Senator and that's why we got the Affordable Care Act. So you're welcome.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Crazy dude. We were just talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger. He too was in politics. Do you know him? I don't think I've met him. I probably would have remembered. He's shorter than you think.

I know. Yeah, he became, I believe, governor. Yes, he did. Yeah, California. But it's just also, I mean. He's loved. It's kind of, it is wild. I mean, obviously there was this other.

He's the only governor of a state who couldn't pronounce his state. 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,400 So it's a little trivia. But just to be like, to come from, you know, show business and get into the position that you got into, it's just, it's a mean. And comedy. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because everything I'd ever done was put through this thing

called the dehumorizer. It was, they use Russian technology, the Republicans, to take everything I'd ever done and take the irony, I mean. Oh, sure. Yeah, of course. It's also, it's particularly well done when people do it in print. Because in print, you know, they'll take things people have said and they'll write this.

And they're like, someone said this and you're like, wow, is that the full context of how that was said? Because if it was comedy, it's not going to be really registered. I'll give you an example. One of the first interviews I did with the newspaper. I thought SNL was going to be like a feather in my cap when I was running. And it turned out that people in Minnesota didn't really see the connection between comedy and the United States Senate.

So, and it was, if anything, used against me. So one of the first interviews I did, I'm asked, the first question was, when you were at SNL, did you ever do cocaine? And I went, yes. But I only did a little and only so I could stay awake late enough to make sure the blue she didn't do too much. Okay.

Now you got that that was a joke. The fucking reporter writes it up. Al Franken acknowledged doing cocaine while he was a writer at SNL, but said he only did a little so he could stay awake late enough to make sure that cast member John Belushi didn't do too much. Belushi later died of a drug overdose. And that's every fucking thing I've ever done. I'm sorry.

Use the language. I know that offense. You guys so. And then I, okay. In the 90s, I did a magazine article warning parents about what their kids are getting online. You have two little kids. Yes, yes. So, but I did it satirically.

So I said, last week, my son did a great fourth grade report on bestiality. And he downloaded a lot of great visual aids and kids in the class just loved them. So this gets written up as Al Franken helped his son do a fourth grade report on bestiality. Fantastic. Yeah. Do you think people see through this at a certain point though? Like we had to like go. We had to do focus groups.

Chuck Schumer, who is head of the Democratic Senate Campaign Committee at the time, thought, oh, this is too much baggage. He can't win. Yeah. We had to do focus groups. What you do is your pulsar goes in and we have people. Like a movie focus group almost. Exactly.

Exactly. And like the first question she asked was like, if you knew Al Franken told jokes about bestiality, would you be more likely to vote for him? Hell yeah. And turn out less likely. But what happened is when you explain that Minnesotans got irony and they got satire. So in context, and I clobbered. Yeah.

Colman, I ended up winning. That's, it's remarkable. It is really, I don't know, do you, it's hard to not be like cynical about politics, right? I mean. Really? Yeah, a little bit. But I mean, for me, I'm saying that like when I look at, when I look at just at the full scope of like, you know, the news comes on and someone comes on, it's really hard

to still go like, to treat this person as like, to look at them as, oh, this is somebody who's, who's working hard to make this country a better place and they really care. But it just feels like so toxic, the whole. It is very toxic now. We're incredibly divided as a country. Yeah. I mean, it just, it's, you know, when I got to the Senate in, in 2009, first day I was there, I was talking to some of the guys who'd been there a while.

And I, and one of them said, this is the worst it's ever been. And then Carl Levin from Michigan, who'd been there a long time, said, oh, it's been worse. And I said, when? He said, 1854. Oh, Jesus. And he was talking about Charles Sumner getting caned by a southern, he was a Boston representative. He was caned by a guy from South Carolina. And I said, well, that was in the lead up to the Civil War.

And he goes, oh yeah. Okay. Well, after that, this is the worst it's been. Oh my God. And, and since then it's just gotten worse. So much worse. Yeah. So much.

And now it's, and, and a lot of that I think is Trump, you know, is, he's very divisive. No. That guy, let me explain when I'm, he was fucking. He was the best. That guy, he was just peace and love. Can I ask you though, what, being that you've been in show business and politics, which industry is slimmer? I mean, to navigate both, you have to be.

Well, there's. Clever. There are similarities, obviously, in that there's a lot of, it's rough. It's a tough business, right? Yeah. I know better than anybody. And so they're both in different ways. That's all.

It's all different. I mean, but right now politics is so toxic. Yeah. It really is. Yeah. I mean, do you think also that part, one of the things that has made this even more toxic and made people more cynical and probably more divisive is the fact that news, the way that we consume news has changed so much, like over the course of both of our lives.

But my life, I feel a dramatic, dramatic shift where news felt like it was objective. It was just presented. People read prompter. Here's what happened. And then it's all personality driven and entertainment. And you just go to the source that you want to hear that position from. It's no longer like, I don't know how people that are super savvy get objective news. I don't, you have to really dig, do the work to get it.

Well, I think there are some, you know, news organizations that are more objective than others or more professional than others. I wrote a book called Rush Limbaugh as a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations. I wrote that in, came out in 95 after Gingrich had won. And that was about Rush. There was a thing called the Fairness Doctrine and that the FCC, it basically, it said that when you're broadcasting, that's broadcasting. This is when everything was broadcasting.

There was no internet. Right. So when you're broadcasting, you have to present both sides. Right. That was actually a thing. And then they got rid of it in 1987. And Rush Limbaugh, you know, figured it out. And he was extremely talented.

Yeah. You know, he had 20 million listeners, you know. And there was a reason for that. He's very talented, but he was also awful. He was homophobic. He was, you know, anti-feminist. He was racist. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, he was terrible person. My stepdad loved Rush Limbaugh. Irony, though, of your stepdad loving Rush Limbaugh. Well, my stepdad was an Indian immigrant. So he was like, but he loved America and he was a capitalist and he loved making money. And he loved the Republican Party because he believed that money was the great equalizer. And so he identified as conservative. And he changed his name from?

Oh, from Subash to Dean after Dean Martin because he loved Dean Martin. But he loved Rush. What's his last thing? It was Aurora. He's dead. Aurora. Yeah. Dean Aurora.

Yeah. Had a nice run. Well, that sounds like a stage name. Yeah. But he loved Rush. He had the books and everything in their house. That's why people loved him. Yeah, the thing, as I said, he was talented.

And also there is, there should be two parties. And right now we have the Republican Party has kind of stopped participating in good faith in our democracy, the big, you know, the, that the election was stolen. The election wasn't stolen, you know. And that's like a big lie. And when Republicans are afraid to contradict that, they're buying into something that's pretty dangerous. And all of that is really like predicated on a genuine fear of Trump though, right?

Like when they go like, I'm not going to speak out. Exactly. They're like, I'm scared of this. Well, yeah, my former Republican colleagues, some of whom I still talk with, readily will admit that they know the election wasn't stolen. And yet won't say it, won't say it out loud and literally will say to me, well, if I do that, I'll lose my primary and you'll get something, you know, you'll get someone crazier than me.

And I said, the key word there is crazier. Yeah. You know, and, but yeah, they're afraid of him. Yeah. He's a vindictive dude. I mean, he really is a spiteful vindictive dude. And he showed it, you know, anybody who defied him got destroyed, basically. So it's, yeah, it's, it's scary.

But, you know, I don't want to just. No, no, I know. Talk about. Of course. That the stuff that I care about. Yeah, of course. And then I feel it was, you know, urgent danger to our civilization. Well, let's just start them.

We'll, we'll change gears. Let me just tell you that growing up. You can certainly come back. You know what? Yeah. Yes. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Because you spoke to information systems. And I just wanted to just talk about that. Russia Limbaugh was radio, talk radio. Yeah. Then I wrote a book called Lies and Lying Liars. You tell them a fair and balanced look at the right. It was about Fox.

Okay. Then Fox happened. So that's cable. Now we have the internet. Yeah. Wild. And so, and you're right. It's now you get your information where you want to get your information.

And it's, it's, we're just, that's big part of the division in this country. There. Yeah. Said that. That's scary. There you go. Well, I was going to tell you that when I watched you growing up as a younger person, and I saw you on SNL, I think you were the first person, the comedian,

that I felt like a smarter person for liking you. You know what I mean? Like it gave me street cred. I'm like, oh, I like Al Franken. I must be sophisticated. And like my sense of humor is very sophisticated. And I can confirm it is not. But, but I felt that way.

I know exactly, I know exactly what you're feeling. Yes, you adopt, you go like, well, if this. There's been some atrophy. Yeah. You just go like this person's smart and it's funny and I'm enjoying it. Therefore, I'm smart. Yeah.

00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:28,560 Like, I got that too. You know, we, we, I wrote a lot of the political sketches, mainly on the show. I was a writer. Yeah. And so I wrote a lot and Jim, I wrote with Jim Downey and Jim Downey, the brilliant, brilliant, brilliant writer, and he's a Republican, a modern Republican. He's an anti-Trump. But, but we felt like, and this was Jim's motto, it was to reward people for knowing

stuff, but not punish them for not. And that's, that's a bar, right? Yeah. That's setting yourself a bar. That's me. That's perfect. Yeah. That's why I was like, I don't, I don't feel so stupid watching Al Franken.

Well, we were trying to, if you didn't know the news and outs of stuff, you didn't miss anything. Right. But if you did, you went, oh, wow, I'm not seeing this anywhere else. Right. Yeah. And that was very, I was very proud of that. I did 15 seasons on the show and I wrote a lot of them. God damn.

Yeah. And you, including, you were there season one? Season one, uh, 75, 80. We were, Tom Davis and I were through the original. Will you Google this cast, please? That you don't have to, you didn't have to deal with what I always imagine is the, um, what it must be like for someone to join after the show had been established. Like that, I was terrified.

That feels like it seems terrifying. But you were season one, so you don't even know what the fuck you guys are going to be, right? Like when you get there. No, um, I mean, I went, I went with Tom and so the original cast as this, uh, is Belushi Ackroyd. Yeah. Chevy.

Gilda Radner too, right? Garrett, Gilda, Jane and Lorraine. Oh my God. And, and I've seen the writers, Michael Donahue, all these great writers. And I remember saying to Tom, I said, this show is going to be a hit. And Tom, being Tom, was going like, yeah, right. And it was, I mean, it was, but it was really, we got, we had the opportunity to get these people from our generation.

This is the first time our generation was on TV. You know, um, Tom and I did stand up. We did, we're working out at the comedy store in LA. And, uh, this William Morris agent called us and has come in and said, you guys are, your material is great. We ever think of writing for, you know, a variety show. And we went, yeah, but there was nothing on that we could write for. Sure.

Carson is a great show. I thought the night show was great, but we were not Carson mighty art players, writers, and we weren't his monologue. That wasn't us. Carol Burnett show was on. That was a great show. Yeah. But wrong generation.

Yeah. And then Sonny and Cher was a show was on. It was not so great. So, but he said, why don't you put a package together of what you'd like to see. I'm going to show you like that. And we, we put a package that had a news parody, a sketch. The sketch was a parody of Sonny and Cher. We did a commercial parody and we did a conceptual film.

And it was 14 pages long. So this is, you must get submissions from people for things or. We've seen, I mean, we've seen over that not currently, but over the years. Sure. And do people submit like, here's a writing sample and they submit 50 pages. That's happened. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And you go like, no, no. Sometimes it's like binders. Yeah. Yeah. And you go like, you can tell after a page, right? 00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:02,480 If someone's got an original voice.

Yeah. And if they're funny, funny, you know, then something new. Yeah. And then you guys submitted that and it was just. We submitted that. And then we just, then we got a call from him be there on Monday. We were in LA on a Friday, be there on Monday. And that was in July.

And the show started in October. This is a semi-seven eight. Seventy-five. Seventy-five. Shit, man. So you were there from 75 to like 2000? Is that right? Seventy-five to 80.

And then I left for five years. Oh, you did. Okay. And then I was Lauren again, right. Lauren left and then I came back in 85. And then we were there till 95. I was like, yeah, till 95. Till 95.

Jesus Christ. Wow. What was Gail Derratt? No, I'm thinking because I, that's the cast that I like is, it's formative for me. For sure. I was born in 76, but when I had an interest in comedy, I was 10 years old. And I like studied you guys, you know. What was Gilda Radner like?

I always love her. You know, love Gilda. She was obviously really smart, really smart. And one of the great instinctive performers and with the energy. I mean, she's just the best. Alan's Waybell wrote a lot for her. Alan's Waybell was a writer on the show and he wrote a lot for Emily Otella and Rosanne Rosanadana. Rosanne Rosanadana.

Oh my God, the violins. What was great about that cast was we only had seven members of that cast. And that meant that they all got to do stuff every week. And right now, you know, the show, the cast is so big that it's almost not fair that people don't get on enough because you just get comfortable when you're doing it and you play everything. Yeah, it seems like the cast sometimes is like 20 some people or something. You see so many faces.

You're like, I can't keep that. When, you know, if there was a waiter in a scene, it was a writer. You know, now it's like one of the featured players and it's nothing, you know. That's what's so great about those first, the first cast is you felt the energy of something being discovered and created in real time. Yeah, it was palpable. It was so exciting and the goof ups and I don't know. It was so revolutionary.

It was so cool. That also you got, you fell into my wheelhouse as far as the time. I feel like if you're a kid and you like comedy, you end up having an era that you're just in with, you know, and for me, that would have been like as the 80s ended into the 90s was like that was that was when I watched the most. That's when I was that was, you know, again, you have amazing cast. Oh, yeah. The show has had amazing casts all throughout and the show, you know, I tell the story that

the first show of the second season, I, the show's over. I go back up to 17th floor phones ringing. I answer the phone and someone goes, well, the show's all dead. That was terrible. And so the Saturday night dead has been going on since. Oh, right. Year two. So, you know, I just, but that, that, that era was an amazing cast.

Yeah. You're Hartman. Oh, unbelievable. Jan Hook's Carvey. Neiline. Yes. Neiline attitude. I mean, you could write a piece, you know, everyone loves Chippendales, that piece.

His attitude in that, if you look at that piece, Neiline is such a. Driving it, right? Driving it. So brilliant. And that was Downey. Downey wrote that too. So funny. But yeah, it was that cast was pretty amazing.

But, but yeah, that period, I love that period. So it was like. And Dana was just on fire. On fire. And we, you know, we had those cold openings with George H.W. Bush. Yeah. When he found that Downey and I would write these cold openings. And it was like a crutch because we could just put them out there.

And sometimes we'd write. So I don't, never said this to another performer. Sometimes we'd write a piece and you get too many laughs. Yeah. In dress and we go up to him and go like Dana, we're losing the through line. Because he would just do that thing up over there. Yeah. And then he'd point out and people would just laugh.

And at a certain point, they'd miss the through line of we actually had a point to the piece. Yeah. But, but, but Dana completely understood what we were saying and come dialed it exactly down right. 00:40:57,600 --> 00:41:00,000 He's an amazing performer. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, it was, it was clear what a, like what a star performer you were watching when you watched him. Holy shit. Yeah. And he was getting laughs at Will. Yeah. It's pretty crazy. Yeah. Now, when you develop, when you write a piece and you're in it, like when you did Stuart,

which became an iconic character, do you, you're throwing it out there. Like there's, do you know it's a hit like the first time you're like, oh, shit, we have something like we really have something here. Because that was a recurring, became a recurring bit. Yeah. I mean, I wasn't on that much. I was like a what's called a featured player. Right.

I was one of the people that is on the long list, but I was in the second group. And it's just every once in a while, like Franklin and Davis would get on like we were, if the show just a lot of stuff died and they needed something, they throw us on. Yeah. And, but yeah. So I did, I did Stuart. I like, I'm in Alanon, which is for family members and friends of alcoholics. And so I went to an Alan.

And so that's the origin of this. It is. It was a guy, it was a guy in a meeting. And the guy is saying something like, I just know that the higher power put an apartment in my life. And I'm going like, this guy is, you know, this guy is an idiot. But then the next week, he said something that just hit me. And I went, oh, I see you can learn stuff from people from like everyone from people

who aren't intellectuals, you know, which is a stupid fucking bias I had. Right. And so I thought, oh, I see. Let's do a character who's in recovery and he's way too much into it or and into the, you know, you know, it's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the entire world. You know, and, but so, yeah. So I thought I had something. What I remember most about that era and like, for instance, that character in that is that

it became a thing. I don't know if you have an awareness of this, that as if you're a kid and you're in school, we start saying that like you were having kids in schools saying that to each other. We'd all say that to each other. You know, we would be on the bus or we'd be in class. I wish you had said that to Lorne. We fucking would say that. I'm good enough.

I'm smart enough. And God darn people like me. So then that led me to, I wanted to ask you about this. One time I heard Chris Rock say about, you know, all the famous people who had come in and and how how crazy it is when the very famous people come in. He goes, but nothing in his experience compared to when Michael Jordan hosted the show. Oh, God. And I remember that he did that bit with you and you were telling it was so funny to watch

you go be like, you're going to score a point. Don't worry. You're like, you're going to, you're not. You must, you know, think everyone else is better than me. I'm not, you know, and then I did an affirmation with him. You know, I don't have to throw the ball to the basket. And he did it. And it murdered, it murdered and peaked on air.

Yeah. It peaked on air is an important thing. Right. Versus rehearsal versus. Yeah. Yeah. And and guess what, Mike, Michael Jordan takes notes really well. Really?

Yeah. It turns out that he's kind of has a mind for strategy. So what was it? It was wild. What that week was like with him there? Unfucking. But I mean, first of all, he's Michael Jordan. Sure.

Okay. There's that. And they were just going to do the first Olympics where NBA players. Yeah. And I just, I remember saying in his dressing room, I'm going like, well, are you like confident? You're gonna, he goes, yeah. And he was like the most confident.

Human being. Human being I've ever met. But, you know, kind of for good reason. Sure. I did a joke once that kind of died at the Espeys. Lorne produced the Espeys one year. Uh-huh. So I was presented, I presented an award.

And so this is after the second three Pete. Okay. So I come out and I go like, I just want to say something. You know, a lot of people are saying that Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player who ever lived. Well, all I can say is Michael, prove it. And this is an audience of. A lot of people in sports.

Yeah, yeah. And they were going, he's proving it. The irony of it. And I'm going, oh boy. Okay. You're like that. Moving on. Moving on, yeah.

Oh my God. It got something. Yeah. You're like, well, that's why I said it. He doesn't need to prove it. Yeah. Yes. It's just stupid.

So speaking of awesome hosts, you were there also with one of the most highly celebrated hosts of all time, I believe. In one of my favorites, Steven Seagal. I know he's one of your favorites. Oh my God. Worst host by Lapt, every bad host. This is somebody that you've been there, you did 15 seasons. 15 seasons.

You've seen hundreds of hosts. Yes. And Lapt people has the worst. First of all, everything you say in your bit about him is absolutely fucking true. Everything he's always just bragging on something that he did that he didn't do. And it's just the most awful person. Okay.

Now I'll give you, okay, here's an example. So we do read through. We do read through on Wednesdays. And after read through, Warren sits with a host and I was a producer too. So I sat in the room with him. And so it was me, Lauren and Seagal. And Seagal's an idiot and has dishing everything else. And has no sense of humor and dishing everything else.

Oh Christ. Great fit for the show. So he goes, he literally, literally does this. He says, I have an idea for a sketch. Oh dear. Okay. Okay, so I'm a psychiatrist and Victoria, that's Victoria Jackson, comes in. And I'm her psychiatrist and I hypnotize her.

And I have sex with her. And then at the end, I tell her she's got to come back every week. So. Dude, that's a great sketch. Yes, isn't that great? So I'm looking at, Lauren is going like, and I'm going like, Lauren has to maintain a relationship with the host. So Lauren's looking at me.

And I go, and this is what I say. I say, so you want us to do the ugliest sketch that's ever been on television. And he said, and he says to me, you don't like any of my ideas. Okay, fine. I took it for Lauren. Needless to say, we didn't do that piece. But he all week was just awful in so many ways. Some of which I just, okay.

So yes. Two weeks later, I think it was Nicholas Cage's. Nicholas Cage does a monologue and he had just been in Moonstruck, I think. And Honeymoon in Vegas. And in this monologue, he's going like, oh, it was great to be in Moonstruck because I got to see Cher's ass like every, and then doing Honeymoon in Vegas. I mean, I got this every morning. I get to see Sarah Jessica Parker's boobs.

And then Lauren, or Davey Wilson, the director goes, yeah. Nicholas, could you, Lauren wants to talk to you. Could you come out to the well area? And he goes, remember that thing, he walks out and Lauren's here and goes, why are you talking about your co-star's, you know, breasts? And he goes, well, because it was just so great. And I go, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Sophia Coppola is your cousin. If we had a host on and said, like, I was, you know, on a set and with Sophia Coppola, it was great because I got to look at her boobs and go, oh, oh, man, you're right. Oh, oh, God, you must think I'm the worst host who's ever hosted the show. And Lauren goes, no, that would be Steven Seagal. Okay, now, now, a couple of weeks later, I'm booked on the Tonight Show, Jay's doing the show. And I look at the TV guy, they had TV guys in this point or something, I look at something and it's like me and the Ramones.

And I go, like, that can't be the show. I'm not a lead guest, there's got to be someone else. Yeah, you got it. I show up, it's Steven Seagal. So he does his thing, I come out, Mones play, I come out as a guest. So I do my first segment and then come back and Seagal leans over to me and go, like, why did Lauren say that about me? That I was the worst host ever.

Now, I freeze, I can't, I'm just going, and Leno, oh, yeah, it's, you know, because you're such a big star. He had to pick a big star, you know, everyone knows. And also, you're like a tough guy, you can beat anybody up, so that's the joke. You know, he picked you because you're such a big star and you could, you know, kick his ass. And Seagal goes, oh, yeah, he's a fucking moron. Yeah, yeah, Jesus Christ. So that's my Seagal story.

That's amazing, that is, I have, I've been collecting these, these Seagal stories, like, for years, from everybody that I meet. And I, I mean, Tom Arnold has one of the best ones I've heard where they did Cradle to the Grave, a movie with, it was Seagal, Tom Arnold, DMX, and there's a scene on a houseboat. And so they're going to roll and they go, let's block it out first. And then Seagal goes, let's roll. And they go, we've got to block it out, though. Houseboat and then, and they said that Seagal goes, roll it.

All right, take one. Action. Seagal opens the door, walks into the water. That just falls into the water. And he goes, yeah, man, he goes, he said he came up, he goes, you can just see black ink just like rolling down his face because he has that super black. Yeah, the Gianni. Yeah, yes.

But I heard this, I heard this about, about that week. I forget who said it because other, a lot of other people that were at SNL have cited him and that week as like, as the example of like the worst host and week was that, that when sketches were pitched, and I don't know, this is accurate, you could tell me, you know, and it's, and the host gets to kind of go like, I don't want to do that. Or yeah, that sounds that he just was like, nope, nope, nope to anything that was like a joke. Oh, like he didn't get or was about him. I don't know if that, well, that was what that meeting was like afterwards.

It was like, no, no, no. Well, yeah. And he also, he insisted on doing a diatribe about the environment. Oh, but God. So I don't think we've ever repeated that show, but for a good reason. But at the end, there's like, So embarrassing. He insisted that we write a sketch where at the end he can do something.

Oh my God. Why do people do that? I hate when people force their message. Because he's Steven. I know. Okay, ask you. So I know writers rooms have their own culture and their own flavor. How let's say you're, you're a regular in the writers room at SNL.

And you just pitch the dumbest idea. Who tells you it's the dumb idea and how? Okay. This is an interesting thing because I have a team that advises me because I'm still kind of bomb politics. And if I say something that they think is strategically bad for me to say, even if it's funny, not because it's funny, but because they think they go, I have one advisor who just goes, that's not funny.

And that's not what she means. She means that don't do that. But she says, that's not funny. And I at a certain point, I said, don't say that. So I was asked, like, what do people say in a writer's room when someone pitches something that doesn't, and there's no one says that's not funny. Most of all, writer's table was rewrites. And that was Thursday night.

Schneider came up with the best response, I thought, which was someone pitched something, he go, that one curve foul. Isn't that great? Because it means you've got some wood on it, which is kind a lot of times. So yeah, you just, if someone pitched an idea, you go, I don't know. Or you might humor, just try to. Do you ever have, I don't know, turn into hits? Yeah.

Really? Like when you're like, and then you see it and you're like, oh, shit, this actually. Yeah. Or yeah, we, believe me, you have arguments over what should be in the show, what should be blocked, what should be, what you should make a set for, you know. And so, yeah, you don't know, right? Yeah. You don't know.

I mean, sometimes you know, know. Yeah. And sometimes you don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's a. And there's taste. Sure.

That's what Lauren's thing is. He has this broad taste and he brings in all these different, you know, tastes and, and, you know, there'll be, I have narrow tastes in some ways, which is a weakness and a strength. Sure. Yeah, but his is, yeah, very broad. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's.

And discerning. Yeah. And smart. Yeah. Yeah, that is a good point, because there's so many different flavors on that show, but when they come together, it's. It's so sad to me, like, even to this day, when, when, whatever I hear that, like, whenever they announce,

so-and-so has been hired, you know, like the new cast members or something. My, almost my first, one of my first thoughts is like, God, that's got to be intimidating to show up. Oh, my fucking lord. Yeah. Especially now with the size. Yeah. Of the cast, but it's an amazing opportunity.

Of course. So you're excited. But yeah, it's challenging. Yeah. It's a little hunger gamesy. Yeah. You know, unfortunately. Again, we had seven cast members.

In the beginning. And that was such a luxury for them, because they got so much time that you get relaxed. Right. Imagine being a new featured player. Oh, my God. And you get, you get on once every three weeks or something. Dude, I would have such diarrhea being a new person in SNL right now. Oh, yeah.

I wouldn't. Especially like a young comic, like, no way. Well, I've heard so many of them talk about it. And they talk exactly what, as you're speaking about how. Oh, horrible. How it would just fill them with anxiety and just. Well, you made a really good point at the beginning of this, which was that. I didn't have to show up.

I mean, I didn't have to come into a show. 00:58:08,960 --> 00:58:08,960 00:58:08,960 --> 00:58:11,200 I mean, I didn't have that. I just was one of those people. Right. And man, that's. That's a nice.

That's a nice thing. Yeah. For sure. For sure. Oh, my God. I know. I've literally thought about it countless times. I'm like, I always wonder, like, do people show up like, like, smile?

Like, don't don't look too happy to be there. You're not cool. Like, you know, I'm like, like, how do they even walk into the room? And when do they speak up? You know, like, that's the stuff that runs through my head. I'm not there now. The critical mass there. I mean, there's just so many people.

Yeah. So many writers and we had like 12 writers, too. Now, I don't know. I don't see the crawl in there. It's just just there's a lot more people there. That sign off the stage is full. You know, when it's like, good night. It's like, you see like 40 people or something.

It's wild. Yeah. You have a lot of hair. Yeah. I do for the first of my age. Looks great. It does look great. Thank you.

Yeah. Thank you. Full head. I think on the video version of this, it'll be a. It'll pop. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

You know, I know mine doesn't. So, yeah. Well, you got this, that's the thing, the shave thing. I mean, I don't have an option. I could, I guess, rock the old horseshoe with the. The male pattern baldness. Yeah. Yeah.

A great look. I mean, I never understood. Like, you know, my dad rocked it and I was like, why don't you just take it down all the way? You know, why don't you just. People didn't do that. He was like, no. And then he would also leave, you know, like the, like the.

I go, why don't you just clean the dome? Like the part that's already gone. Yeah. He's like, I call him survivors. I'm like. Oh my God. I'm like, it would look better. It would look better.

And he just. Comovers are hilarious. Yes. Oh my God. My mom said that he, he, when they got together, he had, there was like over the top. So Carl Levin, I, who I mentioned. Yes.

Oh, he's got a famous one. His coma was so awful. And I went on a Kodell as a congressional delegation. Carl Levin. Yeah. Carl Levin. Yeah. So he was Michigan, the great center.

Yes. So he was chairman of the armed services committee. And I go with him to Afghanistan. Look at that thing. And oh, you got it. Yeah. Holy shit balls. Where's the good coma?

Yeah. Well, there's, okay. So terrible comover. Yeah. So we come back from the trip. And I'm in the cloak room and it's Carl's there. And I had just gotten a very short haircut. And I have a full head of hair.

And Carl says to me, wow, you got a short haircut. I said, well, you can do that when you have hair. And Bill Nelson is there from Florida. And I start saying like, you know, we just got back from Afghanistan. And we went to a forward operating base. And we took a helicopter there. And Carl got off the helicopter while the blade's still going. And he didn't wear his helmet.

And, you know, what that's like with the wind and the thing. And I said, and one of his hairs went all the way back to North America. Holy shit, man. And then both of them laughed. But Bill said, see, now I couldn't get away with a joke like that. And I said, well, first you'd have to think of it, Bill. Jesus Christ, dude. They weren't used to having a professional comedian.

No, no. But it was fun. Yeah. It was fun. Do you ever feel like at times when you're in politics that you want to like help people like this? Like you want to show business them up a bit? Like, hey, Carl, why don't you fucking do something with this?

I mean, you have a sense of ability. You put together. You don't feel like. Hey, buddy, let me help you out a little bit. Like, let's come on, Carl. You look fucked up. No, Carl was a great senator. And the last thing I should do is tell him something like that.

I know, but. And also, somebody's told him. Yeah, I think. Yeah. I guess. I hope, yeah. How did it work when you're in the Senate? And, you know, maybe before, like, before you know somebody personally, right?

You see somebody on the news. You don't know them. But you might find somebody so wholly unlikable, just like you're repulsed by them. Then you're in this position now. We're like, well, this is actually now my work colleague. You know, do you have to change your mindset of like, well, I have to at least attempt to be able to work with or in some capacity with this person? Yeah.

I mean, you work whenever you can do something, accomplish something for people. You try to do it in a bipartisan way if you can. And there are a lot of things that have nothing to do with partisanship. So I would do, let me think of something I did. Crisis intervention training for cops. Crisis intervention training is training cops to recognize when they've been in a situation that's kind of fueled by a mental health issue or drug addition and how to de-escalate that. And so I wrote a bill to do federal funds to teach cops to do that.

And it works. It works. And police departments have done it. It cuts down on them killing people unnecessarily. And so I did that with, you know, John Cornyn of Texas, the Republican. How does a conversation like that start? Do you go, hey, I have an idea for something? And then, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And literally go, like, what do you think? And they go, I like this idea. And that's how you start working together. Yeah, I'm putting this together. And what would you say, you know, and or I would find a police chief in Texas who's for it. Yeah. And I'd say this police chief, who you know in Dallas, is for this. So that's a lot of how you work it.

And your staff is doing that kind of thing. They're finding. Oh, I see. So, yeah. And your staff is working with their staff. So my judiciary counsel is working with his judiciary counsel and said, Al's we're working on this. And so maybe his staff tells them first before I go.

Who is the Steven Segal of the U.S. Senate? Like, who fucking sucks? Cruz. Yeah. Yeah, he sucks. I have said that I probably like Ted Cruz more than most of my colleagues like Ted Cruz. And I hate Ted Cruz. He's your senator.

I know. I know. We see the signs. I know. He is. He's a real piece of shit. Well, he's so hated. It's weird when somebody gets like, keeps getting, you're like, everybody I know hates him.

Everybody. I'm talking about him on stage in any market, in any place. And people all laugh at making fun of him. They all boo him. It doesn't matter where you are. And you're like, how does somebody get elected like this? There's something wrong with him. I mean, he's smart.

Yeah. Smart guy. He's very smart. Yeah. A couple. I mean, I have so many stories. It in my act, I have a whole Ted Cruz section. Oh, wow.

All right. Amy Klawishar, who is my senior senator, good sense of humor. And she's picked to do the grid iron down, which is a prestigious press dinner. And remember the Carnival Cruz? Yes. Okay. The Carnival Cruz in late 2013 is a cruise that goes out to the Gulf of Mexico. And it's a luxury cruise.

Bill is a luxury cruise. And they have an engine fire. And everything, the engine's gone. But so is everything else. The electricity, the plumbing. So there's all this poop floating on the decks, the poop decks, the actual literal poop deck. And so it's called the poop cruise. And it took like two weeks for tug boats to come and bring back in.

So these people had paid for a luxury cruise. And there's poop floating on it. Okay. So Amy's doing this dinner. And she would not let me write jokes for her because everyone had always asked, did Al write jokes? But she'd let me do rewrites. Okay.

So she comes up with this really good joke, which is when most people think of a bad cruise, they think of Carnival, but we in the Senate think of Ted. That's great. So I tell her, okay, I got a rewrite that I think is better. So you'll hear this at the end of this section of the tech cruise section. So I, next Thursday, I see her going to different senators who she's written jokes about. And so she heads to Ted and I go, I want to be on this. And so we're having, and she says, she's softened jokes.

She says, oh, Ted, I'm doing a good dinner and I'm doing a joke about you. And I wonder if I could run a bank. He goes, I'll tell you what, I believe in the first amendment. You go ahead and tell me your little joke. So she goes, when most people think of a difficult cruise, she's softened it for him. They think of Carnival, but we in the, we Democrats in the Senate think of Ted. And he goes, instead of difficult, why don't you make it a challenging cruise? Yeah.

And she kind of going like, oh, now it's that funny. And he's smart. He's a dick, but he's smart. So he sees, okay, you go ahead and tell your little joke. I believe in the first amendment. So I said, Ted, I've done a rewrite, which I think is a lot better. And I see Amy go like, oh no. But also I want to be here for this.

So he goes, okay, what is it? I go, when most people think of a cruise as full of shit, they think of Carnival, but we think of Ted. And he just went, huh? Yeah. And I went, fuck you. Yeah. But he was a terrible, terrible colleague.

And just every, everyone hates him. I mean, I think Lindsey Graham said if, if he were murdered on the floor of the Senate, and the Senate was a jury, no one would convict him. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. And that's his own colleague. Like that's his own party. Lindsey's funny.

He's just, he's gone off the rails, I think, but he's really funny. Yeah. How does this shit talking work between politicians? It seems like you guys are just so open about it. I mean, as you know, would Ted Cruz get offended and fire back? Is he going to send you a text? Is he going to be like, fuck you, Franken, behind closed doors? Like, how does it work?

He was just kind of stunned. And I just turned and walked away. And he, he'd just been, he'd lied to me a lot and he'd lied to other people. And he just, everyone just hates him, you know. And he's got, he's just got a real problem. You know, Cancun, that was just, you know, he like, okay, he's going to go on a four-day vacation at Cancun and while Texas is frozen over, people are dying, right? So he gets caught, he's in a roller bag and someone videotapes it and then he gets

photographed on the plane and he lands and the staff calls him, we've got a problem. And he just immediately just goes, well, I was just dropping the kids off. Yeah. And now I'm going right back. And, you know, the problem was he was in a group chat with some other families and he had, he and Heidi had invited a number of other families to go on a four-day vacation with us to the Ritz-Carlton in Cancun and Ted loves the Ritz-Carlton. Now, normally when you ask people to go on vacation with you, you know, they're friends.

Yeah. And friends don't usually go immediately to the New York Times with your texts. Yeah. But they did. They did. Yeah. That's, it's very telling. Yeah.

Yeah. It's very telling. Yeah. Yeah. Well, enough about him. Okay, sure, sure. That's enough space. Yeah.

Fucking guy. That fucking guy. But they seem a little more thick-skinned than comedians because, like, we talk shit on each other. There's hell to pay, you know. I gotta ask you this. I have heard, and I don't know if this is true, that you can sketch from memory with the entire North America, the United States.

No, no, no. Just the 50 states. What? Can we pull out a pad real quick? Yep. Jesus Christ. I gotta see this. So you, and is this something that you were doing as a child that you just locked in?

No. I lost a bar bet. Really? What size? I brought you two sizes. I don't know which one's bigger. Bigger, okay. And there's a bunch of different pens in there.

Okay. Um, so I'm in college. I go to a bar. Um, okay. Let me see. Oh, that was good. Um. Wow, he chose the big fat permanent marker.

Damn, he's confident. Yeah, I'm good. So confident. It's crazy. If you, if you want to learn to juggle, you can juggle. Yeah. You learn to juggle. Yeah.

So what happened was I lose this bar bet because a guy says to me, I bet you can't name all 50 states. I said, of course I can. I go to Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Arizona. I got, I got 49. And I couldn't figure out which one I lost 10 bucks. And I said, that'll never happen again. If I draw the fucking map, that won't happen.

Now no one's ever done this before. So you got it. Yeah. We're good. Okay. So I start with the 49th parallel, of course. And that's started Minnesota, my home state. And you're, you're there.

You live in Plymouth. Yes, sir. I did live there in Plymouth. Holy shit. You actually. Wow. He knows like the shapes to the. Well, of course.

Otherwise, with the hell of a point. Jesus fucking Christ. Whoa. Now I'll try to do it faster than. Yeah. No, take your time. It's just this I've, I literally have never seen this. People don't do this, but I do.

I like this. How long did this take for you to master? Not that. I mean, I can't remember. I just started doing it. And, you know, when I was a kid, my parents, I had a puzzle. Yeah. And it was wood.

Every state with even Rhode Island was its own thing. So let me see. Okay. And then how often do you have to do it to keep it, you know? It's my doodle. Yeah. It's your doodle. I got you.

Yeah. So. It's my doodle. I am. What's your doodle, Segura? Now I'm curious because he's right. Everyone has a doodle. What's your doodle?

It's usually, actually, I can do it for you. Let's see your doodle. I want to see your doodle. Let's all do our doodles. Do you have the smaller pad? Here, where'd it go? Where'd it go? This one.

Your doodle. Let's all do our doodles. Oh, my doodle will not be. As impressive? Definitely not. No, mine is stupid compared to yours. Well. I do this.

Okay. I've been doing this for years. Me too. I'm really. Funny. I never thought about it that people have their doodles. Yeah. Usually, well, this is going to be a good one, I think.

I have a good feeling about this one. Okay. Thanks, bro. My doodle's done already, guys. I'm done. Let me see your doodle. I mean, it's, like I said, very, like, not. Spider web?

Yeah, I do these since I was. This is my doodle. 12. Let me see your doodle. Oh, yeah. You done that, guys. I don't know. I just have always liked to draw a terrified guy.

That's very impressive. Oh, thanks. I would go as far to say that yours is almost more impressive. Yeah. Yeah, I would go as far as say that, too. I also like to draw. Oh, the cubes, four-dimensional cubes, like this one that I learned in junior high.

It's always, whatever the fuck this is. Three. Yeah, four. I'm in the fourth dimension. I live in the fourth dimension. I draw a cube in time. We were just talking about Terminator and how the robots figured out a way

to send back Schwarzenegger in time, but to also make a robot that spoke German as a first language and had an Austrian accent. That was pretty cool. Yeah, it was a specific choice of the robot makers, but they were like, can you have them speak English as a second language? Very unusual.

No one really talked about that back then. Nobody did. Then I draw this version of the Spider web, too. This is a full web. That's just like the corner web. I love that. Thank you. It's really hard, you know?

Okay, I better get Texas right. Big talent. Oh, yeah. Don't you dare. Oh, and here's another one I doodle a lot, too. This is one of my top. I learned this one in junior high school, as well. Here we go.

Okay, ready for my other one? This one I doodle a lot. Have you seen this one? That's the cat's butt. Oh, the cat's butt hole, yeah. That's my favorite of yours. Thank you. It's so cool.

Thank you. This one I've perfected over the years, as well. I've also liked, I like to draw a beautiful woman. It's really not pretty at all. Over here. I like swimsuit models. So I just thought she was pretty. That way I get my own kind of wheels turning, you know?

That's actually very telling. Yeah, naked chicks, and then a guy with his tongue sticking out. Yeah. What does it tell? Holy shit, he's almost done. Mine is a cat's ass hole in spider webs. That's very telling, as well. Don't think that it isn't.

I wonder what they would, a psychiatrist would say about that. Shit. I know, he even got, is that Hawaii? That's Alaska. Alaska. Hawaii, I just draw like, let's the lions there. Yeah. There it is.

Bro. Wow, cute. Can you please sign that? That's amazing. Please? Wow. Yes, yes. Wow.

That is. That is so cool. That is really impressive. Well, again, if you, if you want to learn to juggle, you just juggle. You can do it. Yeah. It's true. You know, apply yourself.

Okay. Where's Austin there? There. Yeah, about there. Yeah. About there? 01:17:22,000 --> 01:17:23,040 Man, we're so cool.

We live in Austin. Do you ever forget? Sometimes I forget. I constantly say here, meaning Los Angeles. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I'm on the, the highways and I think I'm on the freeway in LA. I'm like, oh, my brain is playing tricks on me.

That's rad. Oh, that's so special. Thank you very much. Absolutely. We are. Thank you very much. That's so cool. It's very, that's a very impressive bar trick.

That's. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. That's really good. I like, do you remember what state you forgot? When you. No, I, I, because I didn't, it was a napkin.

It was like a barn. Oh, I got you. I just didn't keep it, which was stupid, but I don't know. Yeah. I feel like I've been to every, every state at this point. Well, you tour. Like a maniac. I know.

Well, I could ask you about that. Yeah. Okay. You have two kids. How old? Yep. Six and four. Okay.

So this is like, almost like abusive, right? How much he tours? Yeah. Yeah. It's horrible. And that's an issue. Is that an issue? Yeah.

And what, will you talk about it? Oh, on, on air, on the show? No, but in private. Yeah. Yeah. It's horrible. It's terrible. Why don't you talk about it?

Okay. How old are the kids again? Four and six. Oi. Yeah. Okay. Four and six. You like your fucking life, Christina?

I know. Yeah. Are you married now? I married 47 years. What's the secret? Just fear. Yeah. So, yeah.

And we have, we have four grandchildren. So we have a nine, a six, and a six, and a three. How many children do you have? Two, each, each has a boy and a girl. Wow. Oh, that's nice. I can't wait to be a grandparent. It's a lot easier.

Yeah. I know. A lot easier. How did you and your wife meet? At a mixer in college. Really? Yeah. You went to Harvard, right?

Yeah. Oh my God. Smarty. This is, during a period when it was a lot easier for a white guy, again, in the Harvard, that period was from the founding of the school in 1636 until last year. Yeah. Shit, that means I could have gone to Harvard.

You could have gone to Harvard and you missed, but that's when the affirmative action was in the 90s. Oh, okay. If we got fucked. So, did you feel a pressure to be smarter at Harvard? I know there's a culture of like, was everybody super preppy and smart. You know what I mean? Like, did you feel the pressure to be, to present as smarter than you were?

There's no better academic brand than we, anyways. As a brand, yeah. As a brand, I would say. No. No. No, no. No. Because when I studied one year abroad at Oxford and I felt so much pressure to be

smarter than I was, you know, and I was like, oh, I really gotta, I gotta like, show them. It doesn't work. You know, they become your, everyone's here. I mean, my friends are my friends. 01:20:27,600 --> 01:20:29,600 My roommate's my roommate, so. Yeah, who gives a shit. Is there a pressure when you get there to go like, oh my God,

am I good enough to be here, like at that school? I, I didn't feel that way. And maybe it's because there are people there who are like legacies or their parents gave a lot of money or something like that. 01:20:48,880 --> 01:20:51,680 So you know that that person doesn't deserve to be here. You're like, okay, I got you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So. Yeah, I remember that I went to, well, I went to a really good prep school, but I did terribly. And one of my. Where was that? Where? The, the prep school I went to was in Florida. But the, the college I got into was the only college that accepted me, which was Lenore Rine in Hickory, North Carolina.

Because they were just like, well, I guess they were just like, do you need help? We'll take you or something. But one of my high school classmates who also performed pretty terrible, maybe not quite as terribly as I, but pretty terribly. And like we both were always in these like math, like after schools, they're like, can you guys fucking not figure this out? Like you guys are dumb.

And, and he was, was, um, was right there with me. And I don't even want, I don't even want to say because everybody will think, he ends up getting into a pretty prestigious school. And I'm like, what the fuck? How did you get in there? Dude, his family, he came from a very wealthy family, donated a crazy amount of money. Like, like over $50 million. Jesus for that shit.

And then he was like, and I go, oh, like that's how you're going to this school. I couldn't believe it until I heard the story. And then I was like, okay. Tell me later what school. I will. I'll tell you right away. Yeah. Yeah. It's a good school.

It's not like Ivy League, but it's a good school. Pretty impressive. It's not really worth 50 million though. Well, to them, You gotta give about 250 million to get in the harbor now. Oh my God, I bet. I don't know. That's how Jared Kushner.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That's how much? I don't know how much you get, but it was a, I didn't know he went there. Yeah. He seems like a really likeable guy.

Like just on this fun vibe, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Fun. So wait, tell me about touring though. So you're on tour. You're not doing as many shows as I am because you enjoy your sanity and everything.

Well, and I'm not getting that many bookings. But no, I've been, let's see, I've done, I did Austin. I did Austin here. And that was a while ago. I've done like about, I don't know, 30-some cities. And it's great. I love it. And you know, I did, the stand-up I did was with Tom Davis.

And that was a team. And that's so different than what you do and what I'm now doing. And I love stand-ups. I just love stand-up. I love you. I love, there's a lot of great ones out there. Oh yeah. No one does public policy though, I've noticed.

But anyway, so I started after I left and started giving some speeches and I realized these are fun. This is funny. Yeah. I might as well just get rid of the podium and just, so I'd go to the cellar. I'd go to the comedy cellar in New York and I'd just work out. And then I said, okay, let's do it.

And I did it. And that's where I've been doing it. And it's great fun. And as you know, the more you do it, the better you get. Yeah, sure. So, but I love doing it. Would it be intimidating for you? Like even though obviously you're like super accomplished to go back to clubs like that,

like after time away from them, was that like, well, what was interesting is the first time I did the cellar, I knew I had 30 minutes. You knew it. Okay. I knew it. Because I had been doing these speeches and essentially I knew what that was. Now, the cellar is a little, you know, as an audience, it's a little different than maybe my core audience.

Sure. But so, yeah, I felt confident. You did. That's great. That's great. And then were the audiences pretty receptive to like the change of pace from somebody doing like, you know, streets, whatever, barge or whatever. It was my opening line for about two thirds of the comedians I follow is,

well, you know, Derral did great. But of course, he stole my act. And this is after someone's just unbelievably filthy. And you know, there's a comedian there who uses, she's black and she uses the N word constantly. Yeah. And I go like, well, she did great, but no wonder she stole my act. It was my idea to constantly use the N word.

And that's my opening line. Yeah. I mean, because I just, but. Then you got him. You got him. Yeah. Yeah. And it helps.

I'm good. Yeah. Of course. Of course. There's that. Yeah. You know what you're doing. Before you got, I like to show everybody at least a video.

I wanted to show you this and just get your reaction to it. You can just, it'll be on this one here. This one? No, to your right. The one right there. Okay, I got you. There we go. Ahhh.

Oh, jeez. Oh. Ahhh. Gotta, gotta check on the car though. This car is good. It's just, you know, that's just a fun video. We try to show as many people as we can. See, I'm horrified by it.

But, did someone punch him? Is that what's going on there? No, no, no. The first guy, the guy that got... The guy gets hit, or the guy goes down. He gets hit by the car. By a car? Yeah, that's a car going into a garage and the car hits him against the wall and it throws him. Yeah, it's a car, yeah.

Oh, that's hilarious. I didn't understand what that was. I'm just going like, the guy came in and punched him. And we're laughing at it. This is the car pool again. Let me see. The car. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I see. Oh. Okay. All right. Is he okay? Oh, he's great. Yeah, he's fine. That's what I need to know.

Yeah, he's fine. Before I laughed so hard. Yeah, I was well slobbed. Now the car hit that desk and then the desk. It hit him and then he was leaning kind of against that dresser thing. And then he dropped his clipboard, but the best part, I always... I mean, I like... The guy's coming to look at him.

The guy, this guy who just checks out his car. He's like, is the car good? Oh, really? Yeah, he's like, look, he walks up to the back of the car. There's a guy suffering on the ground. And this guy's like, is the car good? Are you sure? Yeah.

This guy right here is checking on the car. He's touching the front. Yeah, he's checking. The other guy on the left is helping the guy that's on the ground, you know? And like the guy that's on the ground, see that's... That's got to hit by a car. So there is the car there. It looks like there's a counter there.

No, no, no, that's the hood of the car. Oh, fuck. Yeah. So then somebody comes into frame. This guy does. This guy is looking at his car. And then somebody else is helping the man. But this guy comes back and he's like, is my car good?

Like, he's just like checking the... It's funny how you have to explain everything to me. No, no. It's not. He talked to Harvard, you know. Yeah, he did. But I have done a Harvard level thesis on this video. I mean, I've broken this video down.

It's not a clear video. And we didn't mention there's a dash cam and all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a car. It's a car. It's a garage. Yeah. I've seen this video about six...

Seven thousand times. We made a lot of assumptions before we went in. Yeah. Yeah. You know what happens when you assume you're making a ass out of Ooma Thurman. She's hot. She's got great tits, too.

Yeah, she does. I saw her tits every day. Oh, man. She's wearing tits. She's doing that movie with her. Daughter of Maya Hawkes got great tits, too. 01:29:35,760 --> 01:29:38,320 Well, this was a real treat.

Thank you for coming in. Yes, thank you. It was fun. Seriously, it's a blast to have you here. You can see it's currently on tour. Al Franken, the only former U.S. Senator, currently on tour tour. Yeah, people can get tickets at alfrancon.com.

That's right. alfrancon.com. You pick up the books that you've written multiple books. And dude, again, a real treat. Thank you so much for coming in here. Thank you so much. All mine. All mine.

Thank you so much. But now we have this. Yeah, this is getting framed. It's great to finally, you know, to meet you guys. Yeah, absolutely. It's great to meet you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is, like, it always, I think especially,

like I said, for the era that you grow up watching SNL to think that you will meet those people and talk to them and do podcasts. Now it's you. I've done it with Neilin, Spade. That every time you're just like, I can't because you go right back to being, for me, like a fifth grader and watching the show

and just pissing and thinking like, you know, this is the, there's just nothing bigger in your world, like SNL. And then you grow up and you actually meet the people. I guess people have their core period. They absolutely do. Absolutely. And, you know, I mean, like think about, you know,

the period where Hader and Armisen and. Yeah. And Farrell and. Yeah. Yeah. And Tina and Amy and. And that's like an era I still appreciate it. But I would see kind of peripherally,

but you guys were like the, that was, you know, you run there in the, in the late 80s, early 90s. And that for me was that period, you know, you and Neilin and Spade and Farley and Rock and all, like those guys that like help form, you know, our brains. The show always does best when there's a balance between the right writers and the performers.

Yeah. And, you know, when the writers are prevailing, you get a lot of interesting material. And when the performers are kind of leading the way, you get a lot of repetitive characters and maybe too much. And so, you know, I think the periods where it's been the best is where you obviously have these great people, but you also have a balance between the writing staff.

And that definitely occurred in that era. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's the way it is. It was phenomenal. It was phenomenal. You're hilarious and thank you very much.

Yes. Thank you. For coming in. You're hilarious too. Okay. Thanks. You're both hilarious. Thank you.

01:32:05,040 --> 01:32:05,600 Very funny. Segal's the best. Bye, guys. Segal's the best. Funny people. Watch for wisdom. There's things in the other life we have.

Watch for wisdom. Have a good one. Watch for wisdom. There's things in the other life we have. Watch for wisdom. It's hot today. It's freezing in the river water. Watch for wisdom.

There's things in the other life we have. Watch for wisdom. Have a good one. Watch for wisdom. There's things in the other life we have. Watch for wisdom. It's hot today. It's freezing in the river water.

Hot today. It's freezing in the river water. It's hot today. It's hot today. It's hot today. It's freezing in the river water. It's hot today. It's hot today.

Hot today. It's freezing in the river water. It's hot today. It's hot today. It's hot today. It's freezing into the river water. It's hot today. It's hot today.

Watch for wisdom. There's things in the other life we have. Watch for wisdom. Have a good one. No problem. Watch for wisdom. There's things in the other life we have. Watch for wisdom.

It's hot today. It's freezing in the river water. Hot today. It's freezing into the river water. It's hot today. It's hot today. It's hot today. It's freezing into the river water.

It's hot today. It's hot today. Hot today. It's freezing in the river water. It's hot today. It's hot today. It's hot today. It's freezing into the river water.

It's hot today. It's hot today.