Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 681 - Robert Kelly - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 9, 2022

SPONSORS:- Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to get $200 off ANY mattress of your choice. We’re Home Here Now for another episode of YMH! This week, Tom Segura and Christina P discuss Christina’s most recent Pazsitzky Effects - that you can buy more than one winter coat, and hike a trail multiple times back to back. They watch a video of some foreign guys fighting in an airport, and discuss Tom’s experience having Bobby Lee on tour with him. They wrap up the solo segment by taking a look at a video of a very cool guy who discusses his interest in sex.Robert Kelly is a comedian, actor, and podcaster. He joins the Main Mommies to discuss his new stand-up special “Kill Box,” which Louis C.K. produced, the crazy things that happened while they were shooting it in Florida, their worst bombs, Robert’s weight loss, how Robert broke his ribs, and his time on the TV show “Louie.” https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

I was one of the fattest dudes in comedy. John Panette died, Ralphie died, so I slid right the fuck in. We gotta get Burt the same fucking procedure. Well. Burt's not. Don't you dare. Don't you dare.

No, Burt, he's earnestly said, please do not stick up for him. That was like my wife, once you get into a fight with the Starbucks lady, you do not take her side. You do not to you or on my side. Exactly. Welcome.

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They have memory foam, they have it all. So go to Satva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit, and get $200 off any mattress of your choice. Ready in five, four, three, two. I hated that he put attitude on that count. Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh my goodness, that's... Yeah. News, I didn't know that. I didn't like that he put extra flavor on it. Okay. And extra sauce. You don't like that? Ugh, I liked it just when he does a straight count in.

It's just straight. Yeah. Yeah, I like it when he's kind of bored and like unaffected by the count in. I prefer that. Yeah, well, take notes. Yep, I will be deader and less alive. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you. Yeah. Welcome to another episode of Your Mama's Place. She's Crystal, I'm Tim, and yeah, we're rolling here. We're doing our gene thing. We are doing our gene thing. A lot of great, great podcast last few weeks.

Also, I wanted to point out that you said you had some Pajitski effects to share. So many, so many dumb things that I've realized along the way. Okay, first of all, the other day, Tom, Tim. I was shopping for a winter coat, right? We travel a lot, it is a necessity. And I bought myself a winter coat

and then I was like, that's it. All done until next year. And then I says to myself, I said, says self. Pfft. I says, I says, wait a minute. Why can't I get more than one winter coat? What's the problem here? I can afford it.

And I realized that my whole life, because my mother only bought me one winter coat a year, because I was a kid and you outgrow them so quickly. I've taken it into adulthood that I'm only allowed to have one winter coat. And like the last time I actually bought one was five years ago. You're allowed to have more than one.

That's true. So I splurged and bought myself two different winter coats. That's great. Yes. I'm happy for you. Yes. Nadav, I bet that you are you in the same boat. I haven't bought any new clothes in like five years.

But did you know that you can buy more than one winter coat? Have you seen my closet? I know. I'm a big winter coat fan. I love them so much. They're great. It's the most, I mean, yeah. I get excited about winter clothes.

So do I. I hate summer fashion. I hate shorts. I think everybody looks dumb in shorts. They're dick and thin. Winter fashions where it's at. Autumn fashion actually is even better. It's really where it's at.

So that was my first Pujitski effect. And the second one is a similar one you had like a year ago. Which was? So I've been walking these trails here in Austin and I walked this trail cause I have to do 10,000 steps a day and it was too short. And I was like, well, great. Now I have to go find another trail that's longer.

And then off. Can I guess? You realize that you could do it again? It's good. And you can even do it again and again and again. It's just stupid. But I was like, I gotta get into the car and find another trail.

This one's too short. Stupid. So fucking stupid. Yeah. I was really, yeah. Is that fucking retard? Yeah, well, yes. Yeah.

I had a similar issue once with, well, discovery that you can do something more than once. Right. You don't have to just do that one track once and then you're done. Okay. I guess I'm done with fitness today. You don't have to do that. Are you retarded?

I am, so are worded. And actually also I would like to bring up something that I've been thinking about for like weeks. Which is? I don't know if you know this about me. I don't think I've ever told you this. Okay. But I don't know if I've told anybody this out loud

that I will lay in bed at night and have full confrontations with people and like plan out when I'm gonna, I never have them in real life. Yeah, I think it's a very common thing. Do you do that too? Sure. You plan out like, I'm gonna fucking be like.

Conversations. No, dude. Yep. And then I'm gonna show the evidence and da da da da. Well, I've been having one with you in my head for the last like weeks, like three weeks now. Weeks. Yes.

Okay. Now, on a prior episode, you said, I was like, oh, I'm a fan of the Royals. And you go, no, you're not. You're just a fan of a TV show. And let me tell you something, that cut deep. That cut deep. And I've been laying in bed at night

and I'm like, he doesn't even know how much I love the monarchy. Like I fuck in the, I'm on Anglophile. I lived in England. I went, I visited Buckingham Palace in the 90s. You're yawning. You're bored out of your fucking mind even listening to me. No, that was an accident.

It wasn't because the story was boring. Okay. I've studied Renaissance culture of the monarchy. Like I love- You're saying you deserve real credit. Yeah. I feel like you've cheapened and diminished my love of monarchy just to the crown.

That's not true, Tom. I'll have you know right now, I am listening to an audio book called The Palace Papers, which is a series of letters written in, you know, amongst the Royals. And I have to tell you, I have a discovery too, a Piszczicki effect. Okay.

I thought that because these people were royal, that they were probably highly educated and smarter than me because they all went to eat and college or whatever the fuck, right? But it turns out- A lot of them. They're just kind of, kind of middle of the road, dullards for the most part.

Sure. Pedophiles. Some of them. One, there's one that they just discovered is- Guy's a pedophile. Yeah. Yeah. The Mount Buttons is a known pedophile.

Okay. Diana hated him. And they're just very mediocre at best as people. Do you know that every time, every time my father said pedophile, I'd go, what's a pedophile? It's a pedophile. But he'd go-

It's a pedophile. Guy, he got a lot of nice kids and I'd go, that's a pedophile. And he'd go, oh yeah, pedophile. Every time, like 400 times we had that conversation. I know. God. I love when he would get stuck on words.

My favorite is, I'll never forget, Joe Pesky. Joe Pesky, yeah. The actor. The actor, Joe Pesky. Joe Pesky. He gets, he got really hung up on, he never changed the word, even if you told him. Yeah, I know.

He would never be shamed into changing- Yeah, you're not saying that right. Well, whatever. Yeah. Cause you've corrected my English a few times and I always make a note, combative, we learned is not correct. It's combative.

We didn't learn it. No, we meaningly. Chewing gum is not how Americans say it. It's gum. A sun visor is not a sun visor, just a visor. I've learned these things from being shamed by you. Yeah. Humiliated.

I didn't humiliate you. And that's how I know. Please, I want you to admit that I like the Royals. I really genuinely love the Royals beyond the show, please. I need you to acknowledge the 90s. I have stuff from the 90s from Buckingham Palace. The Queen's Silver Jubilee, I have a mug. You are a genuine fan.

I'll give you that. Thank you. Okay. You can put your subconscious to rest now. You don't have to have that fight anymore. I feel so much better. You son of a bitch. I didn't curse at you,

but I was gonna rattle off my qualifications. Sure. I get it. I've done that many times. With people. Yeah. What are you, what's the last one? Do you remember?

The last one? Where you've really just been like, I'm gonna suck it to him. Oh yeah. I've done it. Believe me, mine get real weird. Oh, I've seen you do it at elevators. Yeah.

Where you cuss somebody out. And I'm like, who are you talking to? I've seen it. Or at a stoplight. You're like. Oh, driving, it happens a lot. Yeah. You zone out a lot.

Zone out. Fucker. Yeah. Here, let's start the show. You ready? Okay. Here we go. You are the job.

Shut your mouth. Don't shout. I fuck you right here, motherfucker. You don't know me. Motherfucker trying to be smart ass. I fuck you right here. I'll make you pay your $50. You're motherfucker.

You want to suck me yourself. You want to fucking practice me? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck yourself. I fuck you too, man. This shit is big time.

Oh, it's round. I love that shit, man. Don't bring anyone fucking to this. Yo mama, the fuck is there? Welcome, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura, Tom Tsutsuru. And Christina Pajitzen, Christina Pajitzen.

Welcome to your mom's house. Mom's house. It's your mom's house. It's your mom's house. It's your. It's your mom's house. It's your mom's house. It's your mom's.

It's your mom's house. Come inside and take a shit in my toilet. If you feel right there. Wow, wow, wow. I fuck you right here. That was tight. I love when foreigners curse. I know.

We were just talking about mis-saying things, you know, and I fuck you right here. So good. It's not how you say it. It's not. But it is pretty great. And if he knows what he's saying, it's even better. Yeah. That he's going to fuck the guy right there at the airport.

Yes, I fuck you right here. Yeah. This reminds me so much of my stepdad. I knew it would. Yeah. Fuck you right here, motherfucker. That's how he sat. That was his accent.

Exactly like that. That's subtle. And then he would say stuff like that, too. Yeah. He's a... Shut your mouth. Shut your mouth. I fuck your mother right here.

That's how you had the accent. Really? That was... Don't know me. That's exactly the level of his accent. Yeah. What do you think happened there? Let me see.

Because it clearly... He... Somebody is... The guy that I'm... First of all, I love that the guy who's like, oh, fuck you right here is holding flowers, as he says it. He's going to see his grandma or something. But the guy that he's with is the one who got insulted.

Like, you can tell he's like speaking it, you know what I mean? Okay, let's see. So... So she's talking to that guy, basically. Shut your mouth. Yeah. See? Don't shout.

I fuck you right here, motherfucker. You don't know me. Motherfucker, try to be smart-ass. I fuck you right here. Motherfucker. How much is it? $50? Motherfucker.

You are... You are... You are fucking... Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you too, man. That guy at the end is great.

Yeah. Fuck you too, man. Yeah. But see, I think they're yelling at the guy that's on the... I mean, I have to like pull it up to... He's yelling at the other guy. I think that he's yelling at that guy. Yes.

Okay? Yes. And he's kind of shielding him. The guy with the flowers is kind of shielding that guy. Right? It's almost like they're all surrounding him. Like, he's the... He's the guy.

He's the dog or something, you know? And see, that guy just keeps going with his group. This guy stays behind. Like, you don't talk to him like that. Yeah. I think he's defending that guy. Yes. I think you're right.

Yeah. But I wonder if it's like old country beef, you know what I mean? Like, if this is back from the homeland or what's going on there. I wish I knew this full story. Like either... But the guy fighting with him, does he have an Indian accent as well? Yeah, I think so. Yes.

So this is old country... This is old country beef. Yeah. They know each other from back in the day. And he's like, you fuck us. That's what my mother used to say, fuck us. It's not even a word. The best is he also yells, don't shout.

Yeah. The guy yells and he's like, don't shout. Don't shout. He shouts, don't shout. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. God, I love foreigners cursing.

Oh, mother fucker tried to be smartass. Mother fucker tried to be smartass. I wish there was an Instagram account just dedicated to foreigners cursing in English. It's fantastic. It's my favorite thing because it's always just a con tear off. Yeah. Just off just a little bit. Just about one little word.

I fuck you right here is my new favorite thing. I might say that to somebody in real life in an argument. I fuck you right here. I fuck you right here. What are you saying? I love it. I'll fuck you right here. You gotta do that to Heckler when they pop off.

Sure. In one of your big ass arena shows. I'll fuck you right here. Could you imagine? I'm coming back from that. Could you imagine a Heckler having the audacity to heckle you at an arena show? Like 13,000 people and some motherfucker pops off. It happens.

And then you shame that fool in front of like in 12,999 other motherfuckers. That's insanity. It is crazy. We've had some, I mean we've had a lot of great shows. We've had some shows that have just an exhausting amount of drunks. It's no different than when you do clubs. You know, you work clubs for years. You're like one day I'll get to a theater.

Yeah. And then you get to the theater and it's the same fucking thing. Yeah. Same shit. Different toilets. It's less frequent. I mean a lot of times the audiences are all, you know, I think the setting has something to do with it.

A theater setting kind of makes you sit up a little bit straighter. Yes. You know? But yeah, it can happen. It can happen. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. I took Bobby Lee to Canada a few weeks ago. It was fucking unbelievably fun.

Yeah. My crew had never met anybody like that in their life though. They were all like, this guy's out of his fucking mind. Yeah. But he's like, your boy's crazy. He's crazy. And it's real. I think.

Yeah, it's genuine. You know, everybody asks me like, is so and so real? Are they that way off mic? And it's like most of the time. One night, one night we get back to the hotel. We get back late. We were staying in Toronto, but we're playing outside of Toronto. Because I did Toronto a month ago.

So now we're playing London and Kitchener and we get back late. It's probably 1.30, 2 in the morning. I don't know. Yeah, probably around 2 in the morning. So we're all like, let's go to bed. I'll see you tomorrow. We're leaving the next day. Yeah, this was after Kitchener because the next day we did London.

And the next day we decided to go to London early. It's a longer drive. So we're like, let's leave at noon and then we'll get there and we'll have a few hours to chill. So we won't be rushed. When we get on the bus, I'm like, how are you doing? He goes, I haven't even slept one hour. What are you talking about?

We got back at 2 in the morning. It's noon. He's like, well, the kitchen was closed in the hotel. And they start serving at 7, breakfast. So I just waited until 7 to get breakfast. And then I went to bed at 9. And I go, are you being serious right now? And he was like, yeah, man.

I can't go to bed hungry. Like he does a genuine thing. He's like, how am I supposed to go to bed hungry? I'm like, you couldn't have found some other option for food? Kitchener was closed. Okay. So yeah, I'm tired. So he was on one hour of sleep.

Oh my God. Shit like that. Was he crabby the whole day? No. No, no, no. He was fine. Because you know Bobby when he gets crabby and then he turns off. The slept king needs to sleep.

But like, yeah. And here's the thing, he was like, he gets nervous. He's like, if this crowd doesn't know me, I'm just dead. I'm dead in the water. I'm just dead. I was like, you're going to be fine. He's like, no, no, I'll die. I just want you to know that I'm trying my best.

Okay. I'm like, shut up. Every show I announced him was fucking pandemonium. Of course. I love that. Like it was fucking wild. You want to see his walk out? I can send it to you.

Yes. He, I brought him on stage. Well, every show, like I announced him, you know, back from backstage, but I got one of the good ones. I got a few of the good ones actually. I had Sean record it. It was fucking wild how crazy they went for him. And did he register it?

Because you know how Bobby will. Yeah. He would diminish it a little bit. Right. Because that's just his instinct. Yeah. But then, you know, he, yeah, he had a couple really fucking amazing ones. That's good.

And it was fun. It was fun too. He's so funny. I really hate that he thinks he doesn't have a good show. It kills me because he's so funny. Yeah. He always crushes at the store. Yeah.

He fucking, he's a, he's a, he's a murderer. He is a murderer. He's super funny. And he, he was actually like, just people know, like super thankful, very appreciative, like a real grown up about it. But then he would, you know, weird out like the crew and stuff with all his antics. You know, he's super crazy. He's super crazy.

Do you know the first time I figured out Bobby Lee was crazy was like the beginning of my comedy career, maybe like year two or three. I'm at the comedy store talking to him. And he's like, jiver, take Elmer's glue and then put it on your legs and just peel it off. Like, no. Yep. He, he also, he told me a couple of things that he made me swear to secrecy that I wouldn't

tell. And I would, I'll respect that, but it's, he's wild. Yeah. He's, which one? Is that the short one first? Yes. Yeah. So this is just us pre-show, right?

Like he's just being nervous here, like backstage. Makes me out. I tell him the crowd size and he get nervous. I put the Sacramento punchline, man. $150. You know what I mean, bro? Yeah. I love you.

He was, he was nervous here, but he, this was a, that was in, there was 8,500 people at this show. Oh my gosh. And then I think the next one is me announcing him on that same show and you can just, just look at the reception he got. I gave him a real good info. I did like a fight announcer. Oh.

Stupid. Let loose on this. Oh. Look at this reception he gets. Look at this psycho walking around the stage. Oh, look at him. He's loving it. I mean, they went crazy.

It's such a hand. That's great. His hair looks great. It's wild. Yeah. It looks good. It should stay his look. He murdered.

He murdered. Of course he did. He's a professional comic. Yeah. He is so funny, dude. That hair, he needs to keep this long hair. I like this look. That lion's mane.

Tell him. Yeah. Next time you see him. That's fun. Yeah. It's a good time, man. I'm glad you brought him. I'm glad you.

Yeah. I had really, I had a lot of fun. Kept your word on that. Like when we were in LA. He believes me now. He believes me now. Yeah. I asked for sure.

Yeah. So I have something really massive to share with you. Oh, okay. He checked off in four strokes. Go ahead. You have to look at me when I tell you this. Okay. Because I don't think you're going to fucking comprehend what I'm telling you.

Okay. Tell me. So. This story came from our mutual friend, Rob Eiler. Okay. Who has an acquaintance, who wakes, and this person's a sensible human being, has a steady job, is not mentally ill, just normal, a mortgage, a car, the whole deal. This human being wakes up in the morning, eats breakfast, gets ready, goes to the gym,

comes home, eats again, and then brushes his teeth for the first time. For the first time. Do you understand? Why does he do all this? Why? Why is that his choice, though? Well, that's the thing. This person doesn't think it's a big deal to not brush first thing.

But not only not first thing, leaves the house. And goes to the gym, eats, comes home, eats whatever, and then brushes first time. It's revolting. And this is a sensible human being. This is a sensible person. This isn't some stray dog. Do you understand? I understand.

I mean, I heard it in my mind was totally blown. Yeah. I guess I've now accepted that there's a huge chunk of the population like this now. I didn't know that either. And then, you know, when I talked to Burt and Leanne about it, they were like, yeah, you know, get up, have coffee, and fucking eat, and then brush later. And I was like, ooh. What?

I can't believe that somebody would take their morning mouth to their kitchen and not want to clean that up. And they're like, what if it, what if things taste different? You're like, I don't know, rinse your mouth out with some water. Well, just for the record, I wake up, I brush my teeth first. Of course. That's sane. That's what normal people do.

First, then I drink coffee, and then I brush my teeth again. Yeah. After the coffee, so I don't ruin everybody's day around me. It's normal stuff. And then I'll take a shit, exercise, eat, and then brush again, because I don't want breakfast mouth. You understand? All that is normal.

I think that's normal. Yeah. I think it's really gross that people don't wake up and try to cleanse their mouth. I think it's just, it's just, it's such a natural instinct. It's literally like taking a shit and then being like, well, clean it up later. You know, I got other things to do. 100%. I guess you could, you know, and they're like, yeah, I mean, first of all, it's just going

to cake onto the inside of my ass cheeks, and I can just clean that up later. All right, go ahead, man. But to also go to the gym with a foul morning mouth. Well, you know, when I get back, I'm going to sweat there, so I might as well wipe my sweaty ass when I get home, you know. I just can't, and this person's attractive. Like I can't imagine, do you know what I mean? Like they're a good looking fella.

Yeah. Like, could you imagine meeting, like, I might, there's a lot of people that have met them that they remember for another reason. Right. That's what I'm saying. So you're at the gym and you're like, oh, there's a, there's that handsome fella. Let me talk to them. Sure.

And then that. Yeah. I mean, he's lost opportunities for sure with that. Has to have. For sure. Do you know more people? I'm sure now they're going to come out of the woodwork. No, I really, well, they already did.

That's what I'm saying is that when we first discussed that about when they brush, we got so many people. Oh, you did it on two bears all the way. I think it was there. Yeah. And then we, we just basically, it was eye opening. I didn't know, I didn't know that people wait. It's just, it seems like such an immediate instinct because you wake up and your mouth,

you feel it. It's disgusting. Yeah. You're like, I've slept with my mouth open or closed or whatever and now it needs a refreshing kind of. Yeah. So I didn't know that people wait, but you know, I am appalled that anybody leaves their house, does a thing, comes back and then thinks that's acceptable.

And then there's, you know what I've learned doing this show? There's all kinds of different people out there. Yeah. Everyone's the same. Everyone has a different strokes. I mean, look, here's a different person. I'm not your average male, hobbies and interests and goals. Part 11.

11. Now I have an interest in sex. I like sex. What? I enjoy sex and I intend to have a lots of it. When I end up in a relationship again, whether I'm married or not, and I'm good at it. So good at it that I was once in my younger days offered to go work for porn industry. Wow.

First of all, that is fucking awesome and made up, but awesome that that happened. I didn't realize what a stud this guy is. I mean, he'll tell you himself. Kind of didn't work out for me, didn't like it, so I turned it down. Oh, wow. But I'm good. Yes. I know I'm good.

I believe you security. And I know I'm good because every woman I've ever slept with has always said to me, I won't do this. I won't do that. I won't do that. But as soon as I have sex with them, that goes out the window. Whoa. Wow.

This dude is fucking rad. What's his handle? I got to reach out. Then they're like, tie me up, paint me, put chocolate syrup on me, eat ice cream off me. You know, dominate me, discipline me. You know, I don't care. I'll fuck me or my sister. Oh, I want to threesomes, orgies.

I want to swap partners. Oh, wow. I want you gangbanging with your friends. Can you? No. When women have sex with me. Yeah. They lose their inhibition.

They forget about right and wrong when what they think is appropriate in society. And they lose their minds. I think I am. I'm losing my mind already. They literally give into their primal instincts and the sheer pleasure of what I'm giving to them. Jesus Christ. They have fallen asleep because how many organs I give them, you know, they are, they want

all kinds of naughty things to happen. Oh. Oh. The timing of this, you just can't. Yeah. For those of you listening, this is when he decided to start picking his nose. Wow. And even though I'm good.

Yeah. I intend to be better. Wow. Why? Because I like it when a woman is enjoying herself in the bedroom, not faking it and know the difference between faking and not faking. Oh, it looks like you've been tricked a few times. And I love it when she loses her mind.

I'm into all kinds of freaky shit. BDSM, role play, orgies, threesome, swap partners, pegging, oral sex, painting, food, food sex, you know. Wow. There is nothing in the kink level I won't do. Damn. He's got that snot just dripping out of him. Yeah.

Well, that's how sexually activated he is that it's just like he doesn't have time to control fluids. It seems like you may have forgotten some of the stuff that he mentioned. Right? There's so much information. There's so much information. Maybe it would help if we chopped it up. That's so silly.

He's got the sniffles. He does have the sniffles. He's working at his security job right now. No, I know. As he does this video. The best part. Well, he makes the ladies feel secure. Would you give him a shot after?

Of course, babe. Didn't you hear what he has to offer? But I'm saying would you not? Because I feel like you're joking right now. What do you mean joking? Would you give him a shot? Would you give him a chance? The world's greatest lover.

Of course, I'm going to give him a chance. I said a shot. A shot is a chance and a shot. Yeah. Of course, babe. He's the world's greatest. Yeah, he's pretty good. Would you give it to him?

I mean, if I were a woman, I feel like after a video like this, you know, you got to give him a shot. You got to give him a shot. Yeah. You're going to lose your inhibitions. You're going to have the time of your life. You're going to take a nap because you have so many orgasms. It's so interesting how the guys like this, the braggadocious type, I wonder what's really

how many numbers. Because I have to imagine that the real best lovers don't talk like this. You know? You can't get it out of them. You can't get it out of them. They don't tell you. I think so too. I mean, I don't know.

But I think they probably are pretty, they probably just look at you and you know. Yeah. They fuck. This guy knows what he's doing. This guy knows what he's doing. Yeah. Well, that's real cool. This is a cool video.

Thanks for showing me. I figured it, you know. He seems really humble and just like, he's into everything. Is there anything he isn't into? He's into all of it. All of it. All of it. He brings up food a lot, which to me, I think is just so messy and sticky and gross.

It's not for me personally. Well, we'll find out. Oh, when I fuck, after I fuck this guy? Well, you can do that. Actually, that would be incredible research for the show. You know what he didn't bring up? Yeah. Bus fucks, which we know me in the back of the bus.

He didn't even bring up bus fucks. Well, can you imagine? That's you before you've met him. Imagine what you would do after you've been with him. Oh my God. I'm already a wild dog. Yeah. I mean, what he talks about, too, is fairly pedestrian.

No, like, I'm into, we have cream, food, video, chocolate. It's like listening to a seventh grader talk about sex, you know? Do you like chocolate? Yeah. He's talking like he's 13. Yeah. Well. It's so silly.

Hey, if any of you out there have fucked him, let us know. We'd love to hear the details. It would be awesome if someone checked around and she goes, I know this is going to sound crazy. Are you really? This guy can fuck. This guy blew my god name. Oh, that's Marcus.

He fucks. Oh, the security guy? At that warehouse? Yeah. That guy can fuck. Let me tell you. I didn't know the shit I liked until I met him. Well, you never know.

Never. All right. Let's take a quick break. Okay. I almost got attacked by the bloods. What? Because I thought LA, I thought it was nice. You know what I mean?

Where are you there? 97, 98. Oh, yeah. You were still there doing. And I was rollerblading on the aqueducts. I had these cool little German rollerblades. You can take the little blades off and it'd be sneakers so you could go get a sandwich and then pop back out and do your shit.

And I would go all the way to the beach. Marina del Rey, I think it was. And one day I was coming back and there was this little kid, just a little kid, and then he saw me and he pulled a red bandana up like a bandit and then ran down under the highway where you have to go where the aqueduct goes. So as I'm coming down the hill, it was just 14 little bandits with all red. Fuck. And I was like, oh, fuck me.

But I was just like, boom, and I just went right through them. Oh my god. And they were looking at me like, what the fuck is this? What is this? Yeah. This guy has tattoos. He's bald. It's like, like this tub of shit just rolled with confidence.

And then I went up the other side and there was one kid at the end. As you saw him, he was like, oh, this guy's a pussy. And he went like this. And I went here. And then I just, it was as fast as I could. What up the hill? And just scooted home. What got you through that, I think, is that you started with confidence, you know?

If you had been like, what's going on, guys? It changes. No, as soon as you, I did the don't sit on me, like sit on me. You're on a bus and you don't want that seat taken. Yeah, yeah. I just, I just did this. Yeah. I put a mean mug on and I went right through them.

Meanwhile, I was playing, I think, I think it was Ario Speedwagon. One of my headphones. It was super masculine. Like I heard from a friend. I remember that going in my ear and then these kids were coming down. It was like some weird movie. But that's the New Yorker in you that instinctively knew how to avoid. Oh, okay.

Yeah, that's the Boston from when I was. Yeah. When I was, when I was a kid, Boston, I mean, Boston was. It was rough. Boston had white slums. Like people don't think of Boston, but Boston was white slums. Like, you know, Charlestown and Southeast and, you know, even where I grew up, Medford, it was, it was bad.

Like Somerville, which is now like Brooklyn. When I was a kid, I remember I got, I got beat up when I was 13 by four men, like men, like fathers. Like you could tell they had son when you were 14, 13, 13. It was our fault. We went into the Somerville projects at like 12 at night to get weed. Me and my friend Frankie and we just stumbled in and we were like, Hey, you got weed. And he was like, you heard the kid go, Yeah.

Oh yeah. Come on over here, kid. And we followed him. We bought this weed. And he was like, you want to smoke it with us? And we're like, no, we're going to smoke it later. Yeah. Maybe, you know, we're going to wait.

And he was like, okay. And we went up to the top of this pyramid. There was a playground at the top of the pyramid. And we just, well, let's smoke up here in the middle of the projects at 12, something at night. So we're smoking. All of a sudden, these four guys come up with this kid that was sold it to us. And he was just like, you're going to smoke it with us now?

And Frankie was like, no, I'm like, I'm like, yeah, let's just be friends. And they beat the shit out of us. So bad. They just kicked me that my nose is all bloody. Jesus. Frankie was bleeding internally and I felt bad because they were like, leave me alone. He's not bleeding. Keep kicking him.

So they would kick at him, but he was, his liver was, his kidney was dying. But I was like, Hey guys, I was like, you know, as long as they're being friends with me, I was like, you know, what's up? And they start, it's weird too, because he's, it was almost as weird thing because they started talking to you. So where are you from? Oh my God. I'm from, you know, South Medford.

Oh yeah. You know, you know, Johnny, yeah, yeah, he's a good guy. He is a good guy. You gotta tell him I said hi. All right, I'll tell him you said hi. So like Frankie, the shit kicked out of him. Holy shit. But we're having this weird conversation.

And it's grown men. And then he hit me right in the gut, punched me in the gut, knocked the wind out of me and I fell to the ground and then they just left. And then me and Frankie, like, I remember we were walking out, we had a climb of fence and I was so proud. I was like, Frankie, it was like a, like a pony boy moment. I was like, I didn't cry, Frank. He was like, good for you kid.

Yeah. Yeah. It was just crazy shit. Fuck man. Yeah. Wait, we didn't even get in, but let's do this. Do we start? Yeah, we just started.

Cause your story, your story was actually so good. They just started rolling. We just out. We weren't going to. But you told too good of a story. No, it's not. You guys are very easy to talk to. That's a good sign.

I didn't see my therapist this week. And you guys have therapeutic tone. Yeah. No, I'm so glad. I just opened up. Got it. Yeah. Let's probably introduce.

That's your mom's house. You didn't know. His new special kill box is available now at LouisCK.com. It's Robert Kelly, everybody. Yeah. Let him hear it. We've never, I think we've done that twice in 10 years where I just look at him and then he just starts.

It's the time where he's like, it's a good story. We always introduce people first, but that was too good of a story. Okay. Yeah. Hey. You guys are very therapeutic. Well, good. I'm glad to hear it.

Congrats on the special. First of all. Thank you, buddy. I'm so happy about it. And you and Louis have been longtime friends. Yes, lovers. Lovers. Yeah.

There's all this love and lovers. What's special you shot? Where did you shoot? Because I think I saw a little behind the scenes thing. We shot it in St. Pete, Tampa. Okay. It was either going to be Boston or St. Pete because, you know, I never shot it. I shot one in New York, but I never shot one in my hometown.

But Florida during the pandemic, you know. They were about that life. They were like, come on. Dude, they saved my life. Yeah, of course. My number one best friend, Mr. Mike Calta. Yeah, of course. I know.

I love you. Yeah. He was like, dude, come down here. And all the clubs gave me love and you could go down here. And there was, let me just sold out, packed up shows with like one person with a mask on. And it like helped me because I lost 55 shows in one night. Yeah.

I remember my agent, Matty Frost called me up. He's like, dude, they're all gone. Frosty. Yeah. You know Frosty. Of course. And he was like, yeah, they're all gone. It was the first time in my career.

You know, you work so hard to, you know, I'm a club comic, you know. I've done theater tours. I've done all that stuff. But you know, I make my bones at these clubs and it was the first time I had the Creeps with Kids tour that I started. It's an amazing title. It was me, Ron Bennington. I love Ron Bennington.

He is not only one of the greatest coolest cats in the business, he's also a hammer on stage. So funny. Rich Voss, a legend. And Jim Florentine. So the whole concept was we all have kids. We're all Creeps. Yeah.

But we're great dads. Yeah. We're great parents, right? Yeah. Yeah. Ron Bennington's nuts because he would get a standing o. I had a clothes. I had a followers standing over.

Yeah. Look at how great was that? That's a fun tour. I mean, that was a fun tour. We had a blast. We did a thing at the end where we all went up and Ron would talk about parenting and people from the crowd would ask us stuff. We brought our kids out.

Like Voss brought his girl out. I brought my kid out. Ron had his, of course, his daughter out who he does the show with. And this was going through 2020? This was, dude, we did, I talked to my agent, I go, I want to do this tour. He's like, I'll get you one show. If it's successful, great. We did one show, sold it out, then he got us 16 shows at theaters.

It was taken off. It was beautiful. Plus hanging with those guys. Yeah. It's the most fun. Self is probably the most depressing thing in the world. And when you go walk in and there's no heavy lifting, you just go and do 20 minutes. Yeah.

It's great. And we did it and it was great. And then the stupid, you know, God hates me and he released a pandemic on everybody and he doesn't want to make me in this life. I don't get to go all the way. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe the next life.

But so then Florida, what was your saving grace? Yeah. As soon as that happened, Florida saved. So we went there and we did it. And Louis is the best because, you know, I mean, whatever the reason, I don't know the reason. I'd like to come up, but, you know, whatever the Netflix, all those people, no, we're good. And even my last special, everybody said no.

So me and my manager, Jim Srebroko, he was like, let's just do it ourselves. We did it. And then they bought it. It was great. But it was five years. I did a show at Louis somewhere and he's like, do you have a special? I'm like, no. He's like, you why don't you have a special?

I go, dude, I don't have a special. I can't. I don't have a kid. I have a house and blah, blah. I can't just go drop whatever and roll the dice on myself. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm like, hey, hon, let's take a mortgage out and see if it works.

Sure. And then it does it. And then we're living in back in Boston. And I'm getting the shit kick out of me and the sum of a project again. Top of a hill. Yeah. Forget it. I got to sell an ass pussy and some of them.

So he took, he incurred the cost of it. He goes, I'm going to do it because I'm going to do it now. The problem is not the problem, but the thing that came up, he said, what do you want to do it? I go, same. Let's do it in Florida. And then he goes, okay, great. Tell me what you want.

And we were talking about it. I go, I don't want to do, I don't want to do a theater. I want to, I want to create this like Elvis is 68 special, you know, where he's doing all this stuff, but he was like, no, let's go in, make this 10 by 10 square. And you're going to, he's just going to come out and everywhere you look, there's people just holy shit. So that's what we like, you know, like, you know, when you go into a small room and you're just murdering, you know, like the laughs are just coming in that kill box of a room,

the certain rooms that are like that, the seller in New York is a kill box. It's just, you feel like, you feel better than you are when you come off there like, I'm fine. I'm good. Yeah. I'm really funny. You know what I mean? And then there was the option of just, you know, doing it and making a lot of money,

doing it for 12 grand, getting five cameras, hiring some local dude, get a comedy club for nothing. And just we'd make a ton of cash and we had that conversation. I was like, I just want it to be special. I want it to be this. We came up with this concept. Let's see if we, and he was like, we're doing it great. So he gave all his money.

I gave a little tiny bit because that, you know what I mean? Yeah. But it was great. But it's weird. I mean, it's all about in five minutes, two shows, which I don't know if you ever get shocked at like, like when you sell, when you put so many, like people really like me. Yeah. Yeah.

Of course. That's I think every comedian's inner dialogue. If you don't have that, I think you're a mental patient. I think so too. Right? Yeah. Or if like, or if you really enjoy listening to yourself, like then you're like, this person's crazy.

Yeah. Or editing your special, there's nothing worse than like taking the notes and editing your special like, oh my God, like watching yourself. I watch five minutes of it and I call it out of the room and I go, I got it. I get a barf. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, this is, um, I, this is bad.

I'm, I almost apologize. We should apologize off like, but yeah, he put it together and we, the coastal creatives is crazy. It's just an open space down there that lets you create whatever you want. Oh, that's cool. And they came in and they helped us do it and they, they were unbelievable. So we did this thing. We get the whole, the whole night it's sold out or ready to go.

I walk out on stage, 20 minutes in. I'm like, I'm doing it. Like you're in your head. I'm like, dude, I'm doing it. Like I get that little thing where you kind of tell a joke and you take a sip and you know what I mean? Yeah. We're like, oh, this is happening.

Yeah. And then I hear help her. I'm like, oh no. And then I help her, please. I'm like, what? I look, there's this lady and there's her husband's like, please help her Bobby. And I'm like, what? I tell dick jokes.

Like, so I go, here's my water, give him my water. And they shut the whole show down and I mean lights come up chairs on the stage. This poor lady. I'm like, oh my God, my heart is having a seizure. I don't know. I'm like, I'm asking questions. Is she a diabetic? He's like, no, I don't know.

And like he's panicking because his wife and then I step off stage. I'm just looking. I'm just looking at the stage from a distance. And I see all the fans and the lights are up and chairs on the stage. I went from just killing it to just my eye. My eye hurted. I like started to hurt because I got an instant eye headache from the stress. Yeah.

I'm like, it's over. Right. You know, the first show of a taping when you're doing two is the one you're supposed to get. You get it. And then you go, you know, yeah. And then you chill. Go have fun, Bob.

Yeah. Yeah. And then I see the dragon, this woman passed Louis. No. And Louis like looks at it as soon as she's like an inch past them, he goes, we're good. True comedian. We're good. Yeah.

We're good. She's like, she's not our problem anymore. Yeah. We're good, man. And I'm like, I got an eye headache. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know how to reboot this.

So I got, you know, you're going to go up and you comment to like, yeah, I guess I'm really killing. Whatever you say. Yeah. I start, you know, I don't want to trash her, but she did just ruin my special because her blood sugar, whatever, take your pill, have some water, walk. Yeah. Do something, lady.

Do something. Don't sit front row. If you're not healthy. God. But anyways, she lived. Her husband sent me a thing. Oh, that's good. She lived.

She did live. But I'm up there. I don't know if a woman just died and they replaced the people with new people. Oh my God. It's just like, it's, I'm shot. So I'm, you know, you're a cop, you know, you're most remembered, but let's go. We do it. I walk off.

I'm in my head. Yeah. And clear the dressing room. My eyes hurting. Louie comes back, you know, Louie energy, you know, hey, man, we got it. I think we got it. And I'm like, dude, I'm, I'm, I don't think we did, uh, and he's like, nah, man, you were killing for 45 minutes or so.

We can, I'm like, it's an hour special. Like in my head. Yeah. He wound up, he wound up going, listen, man, Martin Luther King once said, and he gave me some speech and that didn't work. And then he said, let me tell you something, John F. Kennedy, he gave it with the John F. Kennedy. Okay.

That didn't work. I swear to God, I'm still holding my head. Then he held up a Tom Brady inspirational video. That fucking worked. That worked. TB, dude, it was some, they didn't believe in me. Yeah. I think I could do it.

Yeah. I wasn't fast enough. Six round draft pick. Oh, dude. You know what I'm talking about? Dude, that filled me with so much hope. I was like, I can do this. I stood up and we went out the next show and, and crushed it.

And, um, you know, cause the whole thing was, cause I had a whole other thing I was working on about like food addiction. Yeah. He's like, I don't want that shit. I want just murder. I want you to just kill, like you're in a club for an hour and that we got it. We did it. The next show I got.

That's awesome. Yeah. Thank God. Well, congratulations. It is always awesome to like have one, like that feeling when I, when you got it and it went well. Yeah. And you know, it's out.

It's like, it's a great, it's a great accomplishment. It really is. People put them out a lot, but it doesn't diminish like how awesome it is to have a new special that you're proud. It sounds like, you know, you're proud of it. Like you should be. I am. Everyone has to watch it to see what it was like for you to see if you're rattled or,

you know what I mean? Yeah. I would love to get that footage because we have the footage. Oh my God. There's a couple things that happened. Like when I first walked out, they were like, Robert Kelly might call to like introduce me, his band, his Tampa band. It's a bunch of chubby dudes, you know, like with, you know, shirts with sayings and true

religion jeans, you know, big white seams going down. They're the best. I love them. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Robert Kelly. And then the camera comes down and this drunk blonde walks by at that moment, she went to the bathroom. She wanted to go back to her seat.

She went, sorry. And I was like, I want to murder her. I think we have that. That's fucking fantastic. You have to. I just went. That's my only. And then I go on stage in my, I'm such, I'm 50, I was 50 at the time.

Yeah. I'm 51. I'm 52. I wore Nikes. Like I have to wear a new balance. I've planted fasciitis and I got a bad knee plus back then I was, I, I was 350 or three something. Right.

So as soon as I get on stage, you know, like a Nike, Nike's like a flat, like a high heel. It's a man's high heel. This little thin shoe with flat. It's just a, my knee gives up. It pops out. So when I go on stage, huh, there's like all this stuff. And then this lady dies. It was crazy.

It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy. That means it's a great special. The special is available at Louis CK, Louis CK.com. Sorry. Louis CK. It's called Killbox.

You got to get it. Go get it right now. Every time I've taped something, the first one during halfway through my hour, somebody kept flushing the toilets over and over. Like someone was taking a shit and couldn't get the shit down. And then it was like, I'm like, you have your fucking. That was in Seattle. That was in Seattle.

The second time I was about eight months pregnant shooting in Vegas. That one's crazy. And then the stage door almost fell on me. You were right. It did fall. It fell and it was right next to me. And I'm pregnant. That was crazy.

And then what happened on the last one? Oh, I did it in New York City at the Gramercy and the warm up show the night before. I was like, I sold the shit out and like five minutes. Same thing. Oh my God. This is going to be hot. Nobody came. Why?

COVID, whatever. What have you. And I was panicked. Yeah. It was sold tickets. But like. I'd sold it to show. So they were just supporting you?

Yeah. Yeah. It was like months and months. And I don't know. So I was like, no one's going to show up to the taping the next day with the fucks we were scrambling. And they did. But good.

But that's good. I think that's good because it keeps you grounded. It keeps you present in a way because imagine if you didn't have like bullshit. Yeah, I would have done way better. I would have had a way better special. I know. But the bullshit is good. When I did my first special in Minneapolis, we go out afterwards, you know, we do the

two shows and they're like, you have a special and I'm sitting with like the producer and my manager at the time and we're all sitting around and they're like, you want to know something crazy? We didn't tell you. And I go, yeah. They're like, we couldn't give away tickets for you, for this for people to see this. And I was like. Really?

That is such a shitty thing to say. Thanks for telling me. Yeah. And they're like, we were trying to find people to fill the seats with. Who is this? And I was like, cool. I was like, but there were people there. They're like, I know, but it took a lot of work and I was like, I'm glad you waited

till afterwards. I am glad you have that instinct. Jesus. Yeah, this chick was going to suck my dick. I said, no, put it away. I don't want that to happen because I love you so much. You're my love. But is that do they train agents and managers to be shitty like that?

I feel like they train them because they sell out a big venue and they'll be like, but you know, who really. Always do that. That happens to this day. You're like, fuck you. I think he just did an arena and they were and literally they're like, do you know who did three of these arenas? I can imagine.

Yeah. I can imagine. Two other guys. You fuck head. Why are you telling me this? God, I had Matt, Matt, you know, Matt, he's, I've been with the same agent my whole career unheard of. I love this guy.

Just for laughs. First time I did it. I got a gala. I don't know what a gala is. Yeah. He goes, you got to wear a suit. Dude, I don't wear. I don't own a suit.

Yeah. You got to wear a suit. You got to look good. And spent all my money that I made at just for laughs on a custom suit from that mall. I mean, not a good suit. Just that mall. I went in, they fit, but I was, you know, I was chubby at the time too. So it wasn't like a good fit, but they did the best they could in a couple of days.

And I remember, was it Kevin Hart was on it when he was, you know, whatever. And he, they were telling me, don't swear. You can't say this. Can't say that. Kevin Hart went out. Ah, baby shit. Fuck it. Suck it.

You got a baby and a shit. And I'm like, what about that? They're like, he's cute when he does it. I was like, he is. Yeah. I mean, he was very cute when he was saying it. So I got to be clean. I'm in a suit.

Oh, God. I have this one bit where it's about, you know, you need, you need a New York City hallways. They have those railroad hallways where the hallways long. And I had one and you can't fight with your girl when you have that hallway. Because by the time you get to the end, you've made up. Yeah. So it's like, fuck you.

I hate you. And I have to, I walk. Yeah. And like, you're an asshole. You started it. Well, I didn't know or I love you too, but you know, but I got to walk. So I, I'm doing the bit and it's just bombing as I'm walking. So I, I walk all the way back to the, back of the stage and I got to walk in silence

back to the front. It almost hurt my ears. 3000 people just going, oh, God, I walk back to the front. I grabbed the mic. I'm like, Hey, so I walked off, Maddie Frost goes, you look good. Dude, you look great. You look very nice. You look good.

The suit looked good. Jesus. It's funny how you can feel other people. Like when someone says they're bombing, you immediately internalize it. Yeah, I know it. Yeah. Like you feel it so much. I've eaten shit.

So it's such an important thing. I remember eating shit for my life at Gotham said, I remember they gave you seven minutes. I finished in four. That's how you finish early. I bombed so hard at the Sacramento club, the, not, not the punchline. The other one. LOL. Laugh out loud.

Laugh out loud club. Yeah. That they have a feature. They have a, they had actually had a digital clock. There was like 12, a counter, you know, stopwatch and it counts up and they wanted you to do 25, which is not kind of like most of the clubs like do 20. I was bombing so hard, like it was, I mean, I was pouring sweat, like pouring sweat, silence. Everything was like, people were like, oh man.

And I got, I just got off at 22 and I was like, well, I mean, you know, I think it was so hard to get there. And the first thing, like the first thing she said, she goes, I thought you were supposed to be funny. And I was like, whew. Oh, dude. And she goes, it's 25. Do you, do you have not, you don't have three more minutes of that shit?

And I was like, oh, I was like, yeah, I'll do it, I'll do it later. And I go back on the second show and I bomb even fucking harder. It was, it was a back to back. I'd never had back to back bombs and that was the, I actually went to the hotel that night and I had never been, I've probably been just staying up like five years, I think. Would you call? No, maybe less. Three.

I think I talked to you that night, but I also was like writing down and I was like, the first time I was like, man, maybe I'm actually not good at this. Right. I didn't, I hadn't had that thought really yet. I was like, maybe I'm not good at this. And then I was, I was opening for Burt and, and the next day was Saturday. And again, the show, the, everything was packed, right? They just had, and I was about to go on.

He goes, can I just give you one piece of advice? And I go, sure. He goes, open with a different joke. Right. The two that I'd eaten, she would, I open with the same joke that wasn't like a solid joke. I was just like trying it and it was, and it was like, it was not tasteful. Yeah.

And so people were like, and I go, all right, and I open with a different joke and had like great sets. That's weird. Yeah. I had great sets. And then in keeping with the cunt that she was, I got off stage and I just walked up to her. She's like right there.

And she was like, how'd it go? And I'm like, you fucking know how it went. Like, I killed. And she was like, oh, good. Maybe you made up for last night. And I was like, you fucking piece of shit. And she gave me our $500 check that bounced. And then she did it, I sent a second one that bounced.

And then she finally sent a third check. Isn't that weird though, is that one joke made them not like you for 25 minutes? It was wild. Psychologically. And I think I was, you know, the truth is in retrospect, it was, first of all, it wasn't a great bit. It wasn't sophisticated enough or like experienced enough to handle that type of joke. I remember that it was, it was 05.

So yeah, it was about Katrina. Katrina had just hit. And I was doing a joke about the fact that there was reports that people were like, I think like ripping corpses or something like having sex, having sex with corpses. I'm trying to control you. I don't know what. It said people were fucking like corpses or something or people, even though they were corpses fly.

I remember that. That's what it was. And I was trying to be like role play with the bit. So I'd set it up and then I'd be like, oh, like, there's a dead body. I feel like fucking right now. You know, like, that's not an opener. It's not an opener. That's a ease them into some other game and then I'm going to fuck a floating corpse.

I wanted to be like, you know, I think I was like, I can, I can open with this. I can get away with it because then I would go into my stuff that worked and it just that was the mind fuck of it is that I was going into like this stuff I've done at like all the improv is this year and it worked. And I'm like, it's bombing. It is bombing. Different. It was totally different.

Yeah. On the road is a different crowd. Then the new the comedy seller, they'll get stuff. Then you go out on the road at a funny bone or wherever and they're like, yeah, what, what is that? Yeah, we we live in a cul-de-sac. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know what you're talking about. So, yeah, I, I, I bombed on TV. My friend, I did. Was it Carl? Remember Carson Daly? Yeah, sure. Yes. Carson Daly, good guy.

Terrible show. Yeah. He would do. He had no warm up for comics. You'd always have some, you know, alternative band that the kids like the zip titties. Nobody heard about them, but all the zip titty fans came to see them. And then he would do a long form interview with an actor because those are exciting. Yeah.

And fascinating. You know what I mean? Of course. Sam Rockwell, what else do you think of an hour and a half in, right? Yeah. And he had me on. I'm getting diarrhea. Just like I fucking feel this common.

I, I bombed, I bombed so bad because they just bring you out after a long form interview. I go out and hey, what's going on? They don't care about me. And I'm out there and I usually, I did this thing. You know, you're at the club with the mic. Yeah. I have this thing that I do with the core timing or whatever. I don't have a cordless mic.

I start going, I start going like this. So I'm creating my little blanket. I'm just going like this. So the whole set, you can see my hand do this. And I, I come off after a bomb, Matty's day goes, what the fuck was this? Yeah. So I'm like, okay, whatever. I'm at the comedy cell.

They're airing it that night. Oh God. It's on. Oh fuck your mom. But there's no sound. So I'm, I'm fine. They just, that you can't hear. There's too many people and they got, but some bitch put the clothes caption on.

And I'm standing next to Steve Byrne and all of a sudden the first joke, the fucking twat wrote light laughter. Steve goes, you bombed on. Fuck. Fuck. Even the chick. The clothes caption. The guys think she wrote light laughter for the whole thing and she just suck.

I bombed. I did it again. Bombed again. Oh my God. And I did this again. No. Yeah. You did.

I did this. What do you mean you did it again? He did the show again. I got, I did the show again. And I thought I was going to come back and redeem my stuff, dude. No way. Bombed again. Started doing this again.

It was nuts. That's why I did the tonight show. I needed a cord, the cord of Mike and they were like, what we do? We haven't. Guy come on. I haven't done this in 16 years. I go, dude, because I don't want to. I'm just like you.

Yeah. I have a cord of Mike. Every, every venue. It's in the rider. Yeah. The cord. Yep. I don't give a shit.

They're like, are you sure? Sometimes you get there and they're, they're the cordless is out and like, what's that? And they're like, oh, were you serious? I'm like, yeah, dude, I don't fuck with those cordless. They always malfunction. They malfunction. Every fucking time. It's something about having that little.

Yeah. I'm part of it. Yeah. And I can go over here and go over there and I gotta, I gotta manipulate it. It gives me timing. I just, it makes me feel safe. Yeah. I have that, that wireless Mike.

I don't like it. Yeah. I feel like I'm hosting something like an auction. Yeah. Some wedding or something. It feels, it feels like a, like a formal event. It's too big too. Like holding it.

It's like just a big. It's a dildo. Yeah. Yeah. I like a smaller dildo. Yeah. Yeah. And I was featuring and my headliner would crush.

Did you ever do a triple run? What is that? That's a West Coast thing. That's a West Coast thing. You get in your car every day and you drive 10 hours or eight hours. It's slang for like a shit run of this. It's a shit, it's a dog shit run. Yeah.

But it's usually like your first few gigs. Not a club. Like, you know, like in bars and hotels. Yeah. You're doing biker bars in like former Klan towns in Medford, Oregon. And, and, and, and just. Palmer? I mean, yeah.

I was a former Klan town and I remember I was talking to the cook in the back and he's like, yeah, the Klan used to run this. Anyway, I thought I was being clever and I was like, what do you guys like to do for fun besides drag minorities behind your trucks? Boom bottle at my head. Really? And then I got pulled. I immediately, I just ate shit.

I didn't know what to do. That's not even the worst of it. So then that later on that run, did I mention my headliner was killing every night? She was just crushing, which is even worse. Just like singing, you know, dirty little ditties, dirty songs and these bar crowds. Man, they should get like standing ovations. And here I am. I'm, I'm all like trying to be clever and stuff.

And we're in this biker bar, a legit biker bar in Idaho somewhere. And I'm trying to do my clever shit. Yeah. Like fucking try to do like philosophy jokes. I'm like, I'm like such a fucking douchebag. And I just eat it so hard. Like so. And I used to go in the, I remember being in the alleyway, calling my stepsister and being

like, I think I got to quit. Like, I think this is the worst day of my life. And just like crying, you know, like just drinking and crying. That's the thing is like, who, as soon as we bomb, you got to call another comic and get, you have to announce it before it's announced. Yeah. You, that's a rule. You got to get to them before they get to you.

Like you can't have like Jim Norton go, dude, you hear about Bob? I need, they need to go because I call me. I call five people. As soon as I bomb, I'm like, Hey, Colin, what's up? I just took a hot one dude. I call them all. It's a rule. You have to.

You have to announce it. Yeah. Because the shame kind of goes away to a degree if you've been honest about it. If you've been honest about it. Yeah. It's a, yeah. Bombing is, is, is a, is a painful, a painful, but a necessity. Necessity.

Because you need it because then there's nothing, you know, to go out in front of your fans and they're all there to see you. Yeah. Is the most creative you'll ever be. Yeah. It's when the chains are off you. Yeah. When you go to a club and, you know, they gave away 50 tickets to some whoever.

You're still kind of shot. There's still that fear of they don't give a shit about me, you know, which I love. That's why I love clubs. Cause you have to, you have to, you know, take them and go now you're, I'm going to make you, I'm going to make you like me. You're going to laugh. Yeah. You know, you don't give a shit about me.

You're going to laugh. But there's nothing better than when you show up and it's just your fans. You can slow down. There's something happens. Yeah. You know, where you slow down. Being able to go slow is the best. Yeah.

Yeah. I have a, I go fast cause it's just like a comic Boston thing. Yeah. I just like to grab them by the throat and hold them until I'm done. But I used to go faster. But I had the, you know, as I age, I'm like, I can't, I can't sweat. Yeah. I can't be physical every show.

Yeah. I can't be going, wow. Yeah. Running across. I can't do that. You might have slowed down. That's why I like, when I lived in, I lived in LA for two years and it was the worst comic time of my life.

Cause I think it was when the laugh factory was popping and the store wasn't good at that time. Yeah. It was kind of dark and, you know, crazy and I was there for two years. I remember Patrice came out there, stayed at my house and I was cooking a cooked chicken. It was barbecue and chicken and I said to him, he's like, Bobby, he took a bite and he goes, you got to leave. I'm like, what?

He goes, you need to move back to New York, right the fuck now. I'm not kidding. You need to get the fuck, you need to get out of LA now. I'm like, why? He goes, this is the best barbecue chicken I've ever eaten in my life. You became a cook. Oh, wow. You're not a comic anymore.

You're a good cook. And I moved a month later. Wow. I moved, I told my wife now, my girlfriend then, I got to go, you can come with me, but I'm out because it's exactly what happened is I just didn't go to clubs. I didn't get spots. Yeah. And I was-

Working on your chicken. I was just, I was working on chicken. It was five minutes, five minutes, three minutes, three minutes, two minutes, two minutes, one minute, one minute, you know, basted every time. I made the best barbecue chicken, dude. I had a perfection. Yeah. It was, it was crazy.

Dude, speaking of that and the fact that you said it for when you shot the special, you were, you're down a lot, man. You look good. Yeah. I got the, I got the gastric sleeve. But I mean- Wow. I did.

It was, it's been, I think four months. That's it? What? Four or five, maybe five months. Yeah. Well, I was, you know, I was going to die, dude. I mean, it was a, it was getting to that point. I was, you know, it was going to be a wrap.

I was a fat, I was one of the fattest dudes in comedy, you know, you know, uh, John Panette died, Ralphie died. So I slid right the fuck in. We got to get Bert the same fucking procedure. Well, Bert's not. Don't you dare. Don't you dare. No, Bert.

I mean, I'm not that guy anymore. Let's put it that way. He just earnestly said, please do not stick, do not stick up for him. That was, that was like my wife. Oh, she can do a fight with the Starbucks lady. You do not take her side. You do not to you are on my side. Exactly.

Yes. Um, yeah, it was weird. It was, it was, it was, um, I couldn't do it in a way. It is my, I've been a addict my whole life and you've been up and down because here's my, my recollection. Do you know when I met you? You probably don't remember. No.

It was, um, do you remember your weights each year? I remember, I was, I remember like your good weight, good weight years. Oh yeah. Was 2011 a good weight year? It was, uh, yeah, I think it was coming off. I was in one going to my six fat. Okay. Yeah.

2011 when I was going to my six fat. I, I met you in 2011 in Las Vegas at the Las Vegas Comedy Festival. Yeah. I was, I was good. I know. That was my, that was my fourth skinny. I was, I got shredded. I mean, that's when I was, I remember.

Yeah, dude. I, I, I remember because, um, when I got into comedy, I was sexy. They said, and then when I moved to LA, I got fat. They said Bobby wasn't, Patrice said Bobby went, there you go. That was New York when I first went to New York. There's many variations of me. There's, there's, I'm the same. Yeah.

Yeah. That's, that's, uh, Indian Bobby right there. That's sexy Bobby up there. That's, uh, oh, that's romantic calm. Rom-com Bobby with a guy on my shoulder. Oh my God. Or that's a movie I did last night at Eddie's where I played the romantic lead. That's you?

Yeah. That's me. I swear to God. I, romantically, it's on YouTube. You can watch it. It's a rom-com. It's hilarious. That's my beautiful wife.

Oh, there's Puerto Rican Bobby over there. Holy shit. That feels like kind of like when I met you. That is, that is when you met me. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And then the one up top too was right around there.

Yeah. I was, um, yeah, I was, I was sexy. I even remember what you said when I met you. What? You had like a really large face watch on. Yeah. And I go, that's a big watch. And you go, it's just like my cock.

Yeah. Yeah. I was, I was lying. Yeah. I did not have a big face cock. I remember that. Yeah. I really, yeah.

It was just, that was a fucking lie. But, uh, 100%, I'm sorry. I should have went the other way. Yeah. Not like my cock. Yeah. Um, yeah. It was, um, that was weird.

Yeah. I got into shape because I got fat because Patrice said I went to LA, a sexy Italian. I came back a fat Mexican and, uh, it was true. I gained a lot of weight when I, but then I got in shape again, really worked hard. And then, um, 2013, I had my kid and when I had the kid, dude, it just, I don't, I don't know what it was, man. It was, I just, I, you know, it's that, it's my first addiction, you know, I've been sober for 37 years off of drugs and alcohol.

Yeah. You know, all the other, all the other, uh, underlying causes and stuff like that I got rid of. Um, food is so seductive though. Food is the one thing that you can do where you know, people care, but they don't. They just don't care. You know, they just, they do, hey man, but that's all you're going to get. Yeah.

If you're an heroin, they'll do an intervention at a holiday and express with everybody, you know, write letters and I love, you know, when you're fat, it's like, that's on you. You can do something about that. You know what I mean? Supposedly, but it's not, it's, it's hard for me. And this one was the hardest cause I was older. I just couldn't, I couldn't, I would lose 30 and gain it. I just couldn't do it.

Yeah. I couldn't get it. I, you know, I, I, you know, all the inspirational stuff I'd watch and I just get bigger and I was getting bigger and I couldn't do it. And then it, I have a friend of mine, our pan, uh, who's, uh, at my cigar club, remember the cigar club up in, uh, Westchester, and he wanted to be in a doctor, a gastro doctor who does these surgeries. And I was like, you know, uh, this is, this is, if I do this, cause you think it's quitting,

you think it's the easy way. It's really not. I don't think it's quitting at all. Not you guys, but other people, that's what you think in your head, right? I'm a man. I'm a, you know, I gotta, I gotta go and pick something up and just do it. Just, you know, you watch inspirational, they get out of bed, wake up at four, wake up at three, get up after it, get at it.

And it's like, okay, I believe in that. Absolutely. But I, it doesn't work on me. You know, like Ari said, you want me to shame you into, I was like, that doesn't work. You know, if you do that, I'm going to punch you in your face. You know, I was like, okay, you know, um, but I was like, I went to rehab. 37 years ago. I, to get away from the people, places and things to take myself out.

I can't go to rehab for this, but my stomach can, yeah, I can, I'm, I put a governor on, so it's going to take me out of the mix. I can't eat a lot. I can't do that stuff. I'll, you know, so I'm in like rehab. Plus you're getting, plus you've been active too. Well, you have to be. That's the one thing people think you get this.

You have to move the night you get to, you have to start walking that night. That night, that night you have to go out of bed and start walking the next day. You walk again. By the end of the week, I was walking around the block. It was all walking because I, I'm like the fountain of youth, everybody you listen to the fountain of youth is movement exercise. Everybody says that people live to a hundred because they were in the garden. They had a walk.

They didn't have a car. You know what I mean? I was like, oh, I don't have to go and do all this. I can just go walk. That's all I did walk. And then I started lifting weights because I didn't, you know, I don't want my, you know, I don't want the tits of my grandmother. I started lifting weights.

So it's been a lot. It's not for everybody. It really isn't. But if it is for you, and I wasn't going to tell anybody either. Cause you know, I didn't want to get, I was like, yeah, it's my business. Just keep it. But I felt like I'm lying as a comedian. If I don't, I want to talk about it.

I want to probably do jokes about it. I want to, you know, and I feel like a, I felt like if I don't talk about it, and there's a ton of people that have, I can't tell you comics, fans that have, dude, I, I'm going to, I'm thinking of doing it. Or I did it. There's so many people that did it. It's like being gay. Like I came out of the closet.

Like I walked up to you, dude, I got the surgery. You're like, okay, I didn't even ask. I'm gay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 01:14:42,100 --> 01:14:42,100

01:14:42,100 --> 01:14:42,100 01:14:42,100 --> 01:14:42,100 01:14:42,100 --> 01:14:42,100 01:14:42,100 --> 01:14:42,100 01:14:42,100 --> 01:14:42,600 Yeah. 01:14:42,600 --> 01:14:42,600 01:14:42,600 --> 01:14:43,100 Yeah.

01:14:43,100 --> 01:14:44,820 And then you're surprised by how supportive everybody is. Yeah. It's the same thing, man. It's like being, it's like coming out of the closet as a chubby and people like, dude, thank you so much. Like so many guys and so many girls have already contacted me about, dude, I'm thinking of doing it.

And that's why I'm glad I did it. And, you know, I get to talk about it on stage. I just don't want to lie about it. That's the best part is that you get, your fans know, people know. And then you'll just, it's just like an easy transition into bringing it up on stage and you'll feel comfortable. Yeah. Yeah.

It'll be good. I hate when people like lie about stuff, especially when women or actresses lie about having work done on their faces. Like what's the shame now? Who fucking cares? Is anybody? Yeah. Nobody gives a shit.

I mean, just no one really cares. I mean, we're going to listen. You, I'm going to, we're going to make fun of you. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to get made fun of. I've already been made fun of. Yeah.

Okay. So what? I don't, exactly. You're going to get made fun of, but in reality, good for you. Right. You know what I mean? Exactly. Um, I mean, granted, there is a difference between, you know, getting an eyebrow

lift and I was going to die and lose a foot. There's a little difference. Yeah. But it was my kid too. I have a nine year old. It's like he, like me and him, like he has a family. He has a mom and a dad. We get the solid unit that I never had and he has it.

And I'm going to take it away from him because I like pizza. Yeah. Cause I'm a lonely fatso on the road, putting a towel over my naked stomach and eating Chinese food, lying down. Really? That's, I mean, that, it was fun though, but it was like, I'm out. I'm not, I'm not doing it. But you, you did that.

I mean, did you have a moment or was it, was it the cigar lounge with the doc? No, I, I had a, yeah, I had a moment where I, I, I just love my kid so much. Yeah. I just, I, and I love my wife too. Like I just, I just love what I got so much and you only get. A few, a certain amount of time where shit is going to go south beyond your control. Sure.

I'm like, I can control that. You know what I mean? I can be with these people and it sucked because. You know, I couldn't go on rides. We were, you know, we went to bush gardens and you know, I'd have to sit off to the side and take the video while him and my wife went on. Yeah. And I, he loves his mom, but you want to do scary shit with your dad.

Yeah. Um, you know, um, like we went snow tubing and, uh, you know, I went down like 900 miles an hour faster than everybody else. I went, I swear to God, I got video. I went past, I went past, I went past the snow and I hit the dirt. In the air and I broke both of my ribs for real 100%. It's a joke in my hour. I actually did my hour.

I hit my, I hit my broke both of my ribs and, uh, it was so, I mean, it was so, because I was just lying there and like I had a crawl up. My kid ran over dad, dad. And I was like, what's up? And, and I was like, Don, I'm going to, I'm just going to go over here. You guys go up again. First run, first thing we plan this week for months. And then, uh, the guy's like, are you all right?

I'm like, no, I need an ambulance. I'm, he's like, I'm calling Amazon now. I go, have him pick me up behind the house because I don't want my kid to see me. I'm really in pain. And, uh, so I had to, I go, I'll be right back and I'm just walking behind this house with this man, which might be a worst image for him. Dad's blowing a guy at the, I mean, when I, after I thought about it, I don't know, this is probably bad.

So I think my dad, yeah, he just left with this guy for the ski trip. But I remember I went to the hospital and it was like in the middle of nowhere. And they have, they're having a blast and, uh, you know, I'm, I'm in this hospital and it was dingy hospital and they had the wrong neck brace on. So it just came up over my ears because they didn't have my size. And, uh, I just looked like Darth Vader, you know, and, uh, then they come up and they're like, all right, we're going to send you back. Do you want, uh, Tony, who, if he started drinking, we might be too late

or you want Kathy, who if you took her medication, it might be rough too. And she drinks, she drinks and I'm like, I'll take Kathy, I guess. And I took Kathy. We stopped three times for scratch. That cuts on the way back to the hotel. Yeah. It was a crazy. Oh wait, I want to go back to something.

You have this on video. I have it. It's on. Yeah. I have it on video. I'll send it to you. Please. Yeah.

It's our video. You can, my wife was taken. You see me. It's on my Instagram. Oh, it is? Scroll down. But yeah, it was, it was a tough thing, man. Like that type of shit, you know, cause of my weight, you know, I mean, even

running down the street, we would always run from down the street to the house. You go, dad, let's go. And I would lose legitimately, legitimately every time. Well, I think it was three weeks ago. I go, let's go. And we ran and I smoked that little bitch. The way a father should. Right.

Yeah. I should smoke them. Yeah. I should be able to just be like, yeah, not yet, kid. Not yet. Not yet. You know, so that's why that was the moment for me. Uh, and, and, and I, and I really, I was like, you know, I don't care.

You know, whatever, whatever people can. Yeah. Yeah. You know, of course. And while you're healthy and you're getting healthier, it's a good thing. Yeah. I mean, the special, I'm a fat. It's going to be weird.

You watch me now and then you see the special. Yeah. I am a tub of, of pudding on that show. Yeah. I look like fat Elvis, like at the end. So, uh, the other thing we, you know, we were talking about on the way in today is how fucking amazing you are as an actor. You're a really good actor.

And I remember the first time that you were on one of the early episodes in Louis on his, on his FX show. And usually when like another comic appears on screen, you're like, Oh, like you're kind of excited because you want, uh, every time I like see a comedians in that, you know, you, it's somebody who's, even if you don't know him well, you're like, it's somebody in like the fraternity of comedians. And a lot of times you see them and you're like, ah, damn, like he's not a good actor though.

Like right away, you're like, yeah, it makes you, it makes you sad. It kind of makes you sad that he didn't kill it. You're like, but you're like, you're a really good actor. Yeah. It made me, thank you man. Yes. I mean, really good. Like, and I remember seeing it on that, on the show the first time I was like,

Oh, like he's, were you trained? I, I saw a guy back when I started comedy, I quit comedy. Like it was me, Bird, Dane, um, Gullman, Patrice, you know, that was like my class coming up and we were doing comedy together. And then I quit to go act. I got like a film and I got Peter Kelly. He, you know, taught a bunch. He was like the top acting teacher in, in Boston, really just an amazing guy.

And he, he taught classes at his house, at his apartment and he handpicked his students, it's called the Harrison project. And, uh, I saw him when that I'm like, I want to be in your closet. Okay. And he brought me in and you just went in. It was a small girl, like 10 people of the best actors in Boston. And he would just give you scenes and you would work on acting. And then I got a movie and then I got another movie.

And then I got a, I did an off way, a four dogs and a bone off way, off Broadway play in Boston. I got really into acting for a couple of years. I, I got out of comedy and they were all doing it and that sucked. I had to go after that. I went back like that, that disease. Yeah.

It's like in you. It's like, I gotta, I gotta go, I gotta go do it. And I went in and I remember I couldn't, they wouldn't let me on stage. All these like open micas were passed beyond me. And I'm just sitting like Dan's killing Patrice and I'm just sitting in the back. And finally I got back, like someone gave me a shot and I got my, my place back. And, uh, I started, yeah, I started doing, I did acting back then. I love acting.

I, I, there's something different about it. Yeah. I mean, it comes through that you're like, you really put something into it. I mean, and also, you know what it is, is like, think about watching. I think when you watch actors, especially if you know them from stand up, is that you ask yourself right away, like, do I believe them? You know, do I believe what they're doing right now? Cause a lot of times you see something and you go like, oh, I'm not part.

It's just like something internally goes, I don't buy this. Yeah. I think it's, I think it's from, believe it or not, it's from being in, in juvie hall and, and foster homes. Yeah. I think instinctually to survive back in the day, I had to become other people. You know what I mean? And you had to be that person, you know, when you, you had to pretend to be happy.

You had to, you had to, you know, really instinctually, you know, you know, not be scared. You had, you know, all this crazy stuff as a, as a kid. So when they were like, you know, when you go in, you get, I can do that. It was instinctually already taught myself to survive back in the day. And, you know, I kind of carried out plus Peter and Louis, another one man who he sees in you what you can do and then gives you that. Right. Right.

Yeah. Cause I saw you also in that movie with the Joe List movie. Oh yeah. The, uh, fourth of July. Yeah. And you were great in that. You're great in that. Yeah.

He, he's like, again, he'll, this is, he'll come up to me. I want you to do this. And he'll let me do my thing. Like, I know I'm, how I'm going to walk across the street. He gives you this little thing bang, bang, bang. And then you'll, you'll get, okay, I got it. You know, and let you do your thing. And, uh, you know, that's why I love working with him.

He's, he knows what you're good at. And he allows you to get there. Yeah. And to help you get there too. Yeah. We still bring a bang bang bang bang bang bang. I'm, I'm such a fat bastard. I actually did him on that day.

You did. Yeah. Cause we did. Oh, I was going to ask you, did you? For people that don't know, it's, it's an episode of Louie where you're, you're playing his brother, I believe, brother, brother, and you're like, let's go to have Chinese or something. And then Indian and, and, and, or yeah, a diner.

And you're like, and you're like, yeah, it's a bang bang. You know, you have a meal and then you have another meal. Yeah. It's, it's when you're going to get into shape. Yeah. Fat people know it's a bad, you go, you have a full meal and then you go right and directly have another full meal. And the day we were on set, I go, you know, this is going to become a thing.

Like you're going to murder a lot of fat dudes with this. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like a lot of fat dudes die. You know, he's like, yeah, I know it's, it's going to become a thing. And we did it. We went, we went to it. He, he shot that Indian scene.

It's a live restaurant. There's people eating and he goes, just give me everything. And he, I don't know how, whatever angles, French ain't, I don't know some, you know, fantastic, weird stuff that only Louie knows because he's a genius. Yeah, they shot the cameras on him and me with it. We were eating like we were little, we were eating. There was one point where I had sauce, this hot sauce and I, and I just took the bread and I use it as a napkin and I just ate the bread.

And then there was a point where Lou goes, I would cut because we, he was done. Then we broke for lunch. Right. So I'm like, all right, I'm in. Right. And then we went to the other place and I was eating so much on these takes that they do the props guy. Can we just do that?

I got one more cut left. Slow down. I was like, okay. Cause you're not supposed to eat the food. Right. Right. Never. You want to spit it out?

I was like, no. I've never spit out food in a food scene. Um, we found the tubing thing. Oh yeah. Okay. So yeah. Okay. There he is with the circle.

Just a little background story. Yeah. Do you ever see that amusement park documentary? Adventure Park. The thing is dying. Yes. Yeah. We talked about it in Jersey.

Yeah. I think I remember this. Okay. Yeah. It just, they made a park with like looped like physically human with dying. There was just getting killed. Yes. That's this place, but in the winter.

Okay. Got you. But I mean, it's not that place anymore, but this is that. So obviously the circle is you now it rained the night before. So this is not. No, this is ice. Oh shit. Okay.

And that there's another level up top. Like see that rubber mat that they drag you up to the top. My wife and kid went down before me. Now it's my turn to go down. I'm in my head going. This is ice. This is going to be bad. I, I don't, I don't fit in the tube because I'm so big.

I don't fit. I'm just lying on the tube. So there's no, like I'm not in it. Like I can't, I started spinning violently. Like violent, like, like, um, like physics just took over immediately. And I had no control. So this is my wife taking the, I believe that's my kid right there. She, this is my wife taking the video.

So there we go. I'm just passing everybody. Yeah. And then I hit these mats. He's a door mats. I'm going to hit some bubble. Let's see the guy, the fat dude next to me. See, he, he took the balloon away from me.

He did just barely got there before you just barely got there. Look, watch this. I hit the dirt. Yep. My tube was like, I'm out. There's my ribs right on that solid angle. I just smashed it. Yeah.

It was bad. Yeah, it's like on a, right on the edge there. No tube, boom, broke both my ribs. By the way, what, uh, rib injuries. Yeah, I, people, I always said, there's nothing you can do, right? They're just like, no, there's nothing you just rest. You have to take it. You just take it.

And then in this place we're like, you didn't break your rib. And then I went and got them checked again. It was so broken. Oh, this place, I didn't think the action machine works. But here's a stupid, do they straighten? There's a stud finder to see if I was, yeah. Do they straighten the rib out? No, they can't.

So then what do you do? You literally just have a broken rib now. I know they give you, they give you a chest bra. Yeah. But my tits were so big. I look like, like the king's daughter, like the fat, you know. So I put it on my tits. I just like to leave it like a fat titted woman.

Yeah, I was just like, yeah, from like, you know, from. The medieval. Yeah, the medieval, I was just terrible. So I had it on my wedding. You can't wear that. The king's least desirable daughter. You can marry my daughter. Hello.

It was made my tits too big to take it off. You had a girl, it was a chest girl or something like that. Yeah, that's so good. It was terrible, man. It was terrible. That's horrible. I was. Jesus Christ.

Oh, I was going to ask you, was it your apartment? Because Louis was in here where you had an apartment where the light was on the timer. Oh, that was, that was, that was an episode. One of the last scenes we shot where, yeah, I finally got my, him to come to my house, which I thought that story was based on you in real life or no, that was based on his brother in real life. No, he has no brother. The reason why he wrote the part for me, because he always wanted a brother.

And he wrote a little, it was a little part, but it was so good. He liked it that he kept writing me. I was one of the only regulars if there were any, because if you went to the website, Louis, Louis's show, it was just him as a cast. There was no, because there was no other regular, but he kept writing me back in because he liked our thing together. And that was when I had, he went to my apartment. I was like, come up and he was like, I'm good.

And I'm like, it's very much like our real life too. Come over. I'm all right. I'll see, I'll just see you. But no, he, yeah, he, that was in the thing where I had it on a timer. It was, it was so funny because we had this scene and we ran it. I don't know when you act, you know, you got it. Yeah.

You're like, oh, you're just in it. And we, we were in it. We were in it. Like it was, the scene was going like, wow, but you just felt it. And we're having this moment and then the sound guy goes, I got to cut. I got to cut. I ran out of battery right in the middle. It sucked.

It sucked. But Lou was like, are you fucking kidding me? And I was like, we had it. He goes, that was great. But yeah, it was, it was terrible. Yeah, it sucked. But he got some of it. Yeah.

Yeah. But that's why I love Louie. Like he didn't, like you do that show. He didn't, I go, what do I wear? You wore your, those were all my clothes. You didn't have, there's no wardrobe. There was no makeup. Like one day I had a zit on my face and looked like a tumor.

He's like, yeah, leave it. People have zits. I mean, he didn't give a shit. I showed up one time they had, they had me in Kabuki makeup and then they broke for lunch and there's no trailers on Louie. So I'm on the streets of New York on a walk away lunch. I was starving. So I went to an English restaurant.

I got an English breakfast, like just beans, sauces, blood sauces. And I'm sitting there in Kabuki makeup, just eating my sausages. And then I walk out and Ed Burns and Tom Hanks walk out of a restaurant and they're right there, like, hey, what's going on with you? And I'm like, exactly. Thank you, God. Yeah, I'm on set. You can't tell. Oh, my God. Yeah. All right.

Well, like if you have not yet seen Killbox, if we have not yet encouraged you, you need to go to LewisCK.com and see Robert Kelly's new special Killbox available right now. Thank you for coming, dude. Thank you so much. Yeah. Dude, you guys are very therapeutic. Good.

Dude, this feel. Are you guys, I mean, you guys, this was fast. Oh, yeah. This is, I mean, we did over an hour. Yeah, it was great, man. Come back again, man. I will, I'll fly. You guys are the best.

Oh, dude, this was a blast. It was a nice having you. We guys be my parents. Yeah. I love it. You're the you're the type of guest that we dream about, honestly, where we could just like bring something up and you tell good stories and you're engaging and like, oh, this is fun, man. You guys are the best.

Thank you for having me on. Yeah, you guys are great, man. No, we're super thrilled. And seriously, congratulations on the special. Yes, I appreciate it. Appreciate it. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks, guys.

Bye, Judes. Motherfuckers. You don't know how to call this? Yeah, I take cops badges all the time doing it. You know, you're talking to a retired double agent. There you fucking retire. Oh, you know what? You're fired, bud.

They just lost your life. OK, as far as your job goes. I'm not sure what you're doing, but I don't know what you're doing. I'm just trying to find a way to get you out of here. I'm just trying to find a way to get you out of here. Yeah. Yeah. Ta ta, they're retarded.