Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Busted Selling Cartel Drugs w/ Johnny Mitchell | Your Mom's House Ep. 707

Episode Date: May 10, 2023

SPONSORS:-Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to get $200 off ANY mattress of your choice.On this week’s episode of YMH, Tom Segura and Christina P discuss Christina’s flossing habits, whether or not color blindness is cap, Tom’s VR game, developing countries, and more! They watch videos of a dude crawling through a cave, a cool girl explaining how she got strep throat from licking brown, and another cool girl revealing her man gets to nut 7 times a day. This leads to a conversation about Scottie Pippen and his then wife having sex 4 times a day for years!Johnny Mitchell is a comedian, the host of the podcast “The Connect,” and a former drug trafficker. He joins the Main Mommies to discuss how he became a drug dealer, graduating to higher levels of drug dealing, where he would hide money, how he sold drugs in the mail, working with the cartels, and how he finally got arrested. He reveals what it’s like to be new in prison, and discusses prison gangs, fights, food, strip searches, and much more! Tim and Christine introduce him to the 4 Stroke Guy and the Gangsters in Syria.https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

This week on your mom's house. What's your highest nut record for a day? I don't remember, babe. Yeah? Come on, dig deep. Well, we got robbed at gunpoint, too. That's a cool one. Back as we, that's super cool.

We'll get to that. Can I offer you guys coffee, cake, 350K? I know it was Beth in my asshole. You know what I mean? Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. I love Sotva mattress company. People ask me, Christina, do you really have Sotva mattresses in your house? The answer is yes.

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That's www.sotva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next mattress purchase. Ready in Khamesh, Arba Shalosh. That was such a Jewy Khamesh that he did. Did you hear that? He put a little extra stink. Hey, it's a fucking morning. It's a fucking morning. There's somebody on Instagram and the DMs.

You can put your updates. Someone wrote, it's fucking morning. Love it. It's pretty cool. It is. Gets me every fucking time. Gets you going. You should be watching this the moment it comes out and it's fucking morning every

time. Hey. You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I'm talking about?

Hey, super cool moment. If you haven't checked out our TikToks, your mom's house is our TikTok account. Right before we were rolling, I had food stuck in my teeth and I didn't have dental floss and I got to show everybody how I pull a string from my sock and floss. Heather was just here by the grace of God and she got it. And Nadav got to watch it. You were like, Nadav, come take these sock string and throw it away for me. Oh.

You're going to take the sock string? No, I said, Nadav, come throw this out for me and then I missed the trash and I just left it on the floor. It's one of the only times I ever said no to Christine. Yeah. Christine. You left it on the floor? Yeah.

Why would you do that? Because Nadav has to pick it up. And then she was just like, well, either pick it up or you get the Jew glasses on the next one. So it's just, I can't win. Oh my God. You walked yourself into that one. Yeah.

And I've ordered a new pair on Etsy that's going to show up soon so that I'm really going to Jew down hard with you. Wow. It's coming. It's a stadium. The first train to the stadium. No, Tom thinks it should be an airplane. Yeah.

I like planes. I like aviation. I like ship videos. God damn. Yeah. Man. Got down. Found out at lunch that any thinks that color blindness is cap.

He thinks a lot of stuff is cap. He thinks snorting is cap. Sleepwalking is cap. Wait, what else is cap? He has a list. The color blindness is hilarious. The color blindness. you actually suffer.

Sucks, suffer. And you know what they should do is make signs in different colors so that the colorblind can also. You're a marginalized community, Tom. Totally, totally. I would argue that. The handicap. That, what are you doing?

Hydrating, Tom. You might enjoy that if you tried it from time to time. I would make a strong argument that being colorblind is harder than being trans, than being a racial minor, we really struggle and we don't get any recognition for it. Sure, so can you explain to people what colors you're not able to see?

Like what is your form of colorblindness? I mean, I believe they call it red, green, or something. I think that's how people usually have it in the red, green colors or in the bluer ones. And the red, green, I was actually telling them, you've been with me before. If there's a single flashing light,

I go is that red or yellow? Oh yeah. Whether to slow down or come to a stop. So I've been, yeah, when you're driving, and that's probably the time where you go like, this is the least fun part of this. Most of the time you just don't care, but you don't appreciate the way people go like,

look at these beautiful, look at the field right now. Look how that, this green field is popping. I'm like, yeah, it looks good. I don't know. That explains a lot, because so many times, here in Texas, we have such beautiful trees and I'm always like, oh my God, are you like seeing this? But they are, there is that company that makes the glasses

that like, it works for like 90% of color-blind people and you put them on and for whatever, like it does whatever to your vision and then you see without color-blindness and it's wild. Well, where are those? I got those for you a million years ago. Should we just get you a new pair? I lose everything.

I know, I'm gonna, I'll buy you another pair. There's indoor and outdoor ones. They make them for both. Say no more, we're getting them for you. Cause I just assumed you were dead inside for the last 20 years. I didn't realize that it was because of a physical disability. You're disabled.

I am disabled. I am disabled. If you get a plaque for parking. I am disabled. As a color-blind person, I would say, yeah, I should absolutely have. A person of color-blindness. A person of color-blindness.

I would say that I deserve the handicapped space. I deserve, you know, no, like government, you know, funding. Yes. I understand, like, I can't believe people missing limbs get all this attention and somebody can't even see whether there's a flashing light that's red or yellow. They're like, oh, you know, just deal with it.

Oh, okay. Sure, I'll just deal with it. I know. Actually, we can't call it, that's actually very rude, color-blindness. You should be color- Challenged. Different, different-ness.

Cause like, don't you get some kind of a super power? I'm vision-abled. Yeah, Chad, what would be the stupid phrase? You're the smart one on the staff. Color-divergent? Yeah. Color-divergent, stupid. You're color-divergent.

I mean, why do you think color-blindness is cap? I mean, I'm just really surprised, you know? You have like, what? I think you have like 1.8, what, million, like followers, you know what I'm saying? And you like still need the attention. I think it's 2.2 right now. 2.2, 2.2 million, you still need attention, so bad.

Yeah. You're gonna be like, oh, I have this- This is what I heard at lunch. Yeah. I can't prove, you know? I can't prove. I can't prove. Oh, it's so hard for me when I get to stop signs.

I can't see. I can't stop lights, yeah. Why do you think that's made up, though? I mean, I'm just, it's not that I, it's not a think. I'm surprised that no one else has figured it out yet. That everybody who's color-blind is just capping. It's just, they need attention. It's just like sleepwalking.

Oh my God. Can you? It's just like sleepwalking, I can't believe. Can you pull up color-blind? Like, what does it say about color-blindness? Oh, God. And this is, are these the same people that kind of did the moon landing shit?

Like. Oh, shit. So like, that's, okay, you see those two apples? Yeah. What color is the one on the left? Right. What color is it? It's color, it's colored.

Well, what is it? Is it green or is it red? Tell me, what color is the apple on the left, Tom? Both. Both what? Green and red. Okay, what color is the apple on the right? Green and red.

What is the, what's the, so what does it say about it? Cause I don't, I've never like, oh, there's three types it says. What are the three types of color-blindness? The deuteronomy. Deuteronomy. It's the most, red, green. There you go.

It makes green look more red. There you go. Makes green. Makes red look more green and less bright. Yeah. Okay, and oh, and I'm not gonna end with that. Able to tell the difference between green and red at all. There you go.

There's the three different types of color-blindness. So you're the one, you're the first kind, the deuteronomy kind. It makes green look, or no, proton a lot on me. I don't know. Dang red. I mean, I would actually argue

the difference is the, is the hardest part. You know? So what happens is you see, You're really color-blind. No, you see like fire engine red as red. And you see like green, green, like blaring green. You see it as green. What happens is, you know how colors have like the full,

the full pat, like the full spectrum of hues. That's where you get lost. Like you can see the extremes. Gotcha. You start to be like, yeah, when people go, oh, this, you know, there's like a little, there's a dash of this in this. You're like, I don't, I don't see this.

Do you think it's because of your Aryan blue eyes that you tout? You always are like, I'm blue eyed. I'm better than you, Christine, with your shit browns. Yeah. And I think it's your weakness, actually. Yeah, aesthetically, they're more pleasing, but your eyes are, you're like shit eyes.

You're just fucking useless, you know? I don't know. That's a really good question. It's a really good question. I mean, you're inferior. And I'm like a shelter dog. I'm not a pure breed, but I'm more resilient. I think that it's, I produce so much semen

that it's, it really is. I mean, I've talked about it with doctors. Yeah. You think it's the calm. One time I told a doctor about it and he jerked me off on the table, and then he goes, this is probably why you're color blind. Really?

Because of all that calm in your balls? Wow. That's wild. It's pretty wild. It fills up your retina, semen. You just calm in your eyeballs. Yep. It's cool.

Look, man. Hey, do you think our kids are color blind? I mean, this is very prevalent in males. Color blindness. A lot of bros are like one in 10. It's not cap any native Google. You know what else a lot of guys are? Liars.

Big fucking liars, yeah, yeah, yeah. How many men are color blind? It's a lot. Let's see. Yeah, let's see how long. 300 million people in the world with color vision deficiency. One in 12 men are color blind.

One in 200 men. Oh, sorry, color vision deficiency. We don't call it color blind anymore. Well, that's what I have. That's what I have. Color vision deficiency. I have color vision deficiency. Just like somebody missing a leg has a walking deficiency.

We're the same. My brothers in combat, a lot of us have scars from where we've been, all right? Yeah, I know. How's your gaming? It's fine. You know what my favorite is? What?

Is when you come out of battle. Yeah. And I know you've been in battle because you've got that cool red mark on your forehead. There's a lot of gear. Yeah, we wear gear. And it's like it's been suctioned here so hot. I wear helmet, I wear night vision goggles.

I have a full rucksack. Oh, you know a rucksack, geez. Yeah, I'm in battle all the time. I enjoy watching your fucking television shows. Wow. Guys like me make it possible for you to enjoy nights like that. How they let you into special forces,

your color different visioned. Yeah, well, I did an elite fucking level. Oh, okay, whenever. They saw my skill set and they were like, it doesn't matter what you see in Densey, we didn't know you could do this shit. Yeah. Okay, really cool.

Yeah, enjoy your soccer mom life. Okay. Oh my God. How do you like your life? Ready to do this? Oh, always. Let's get in there. I have gotten strep five times

from licking my own poop off of people. I'm telling you, I have no boundaries. I was at the save. I was at the save, like you wouldn't do that. You were wrong. But is that on only fans? I mean, I don't want to see like marketing. Yeah.

No, no, it used to be, but it's not even allowed on there. Anything like messy isn't allowed on there. That stuff has been, that stuff's off camera. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house with Hans Segura and Chris Brown.

Chris, Chris, Chris. Welcome to your mom's house. So what is it? Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow.

Meow. Meow. Yes. Nice. Well, it's so rare that we have a cool girl and the cool guy. It's so funny that you said that because the thing that I had cued up for her after hearing that.

Yeah. it's very rare that a lady gets it. These are golden geese. I see a new portrait in our future, from these walls. I know. I freaking amazing. What was her name again? Because, I forget.

We had it queued up before. Stella Barry. Stella Barry? No. No. It was like Bella Sterry or something. There you go. Stella bit, yeah.

Smart guy knows. Jesus. There she is. It's Bella, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, she just flipped over the beginning of it that's why I tripped up. Got you, got you. Anal Princess, oh, that's her.

Oh, cool. Oh, followed by Cheeto Santino and Kawhi. We have mutual friends. How neat, figured. Yeah. Well, what she said in that first, sorry, this click that we just played on the opening is that she was doing that off camera.

Off camera, she was licking, and she said off, so it means she was shitting on people or shit was falling out of her, you know, which happens when you're an Anal Princess, and then she was licking that up. Just, but in her spare time, it wasn't even for an Ollie fans thing, which is cool. But she's out there doing it, man.

She's out there having a good time. Can't get mad at that and doing her only fans, but yeah, you gotta be in her personal life to get this strep, pretty cool. I, that is pretty cool. I didn't even know that's how you, wait, is that how you get strep throat? Is it kaka in your throat?

You know, I'm not well versed in that, but it sounds like that's a way you could get it. Because you get strep, you know. Very cool. Um, okay, oh, first squirt right there at the beach. She's fucking unbelievable. Reminiscing. Reminiscing. There's where I was at the ocean front,

Will Rogers Beach. Wow, I know that one, that's a good one. Yeah, I know exactly where that is. She had her first squirt on the beach. Yeah. Oh wow. Very cool. Yeah, that is neat. I like there's a comment there that said, if you see me licking,

you know, sand, mind your business. That's a cool guy. That's a whole cool world that just happened right there. Yeah, it's very cool. All right, well, you know. Yeah, I would love to, I mean, find more of these videos. They're very inspiring. Usually, like I said, usually it's a dude.

Usually dudes dominate the space, but every once in a while, the Lord grants us a gift. And licking excrement, staff and, what is it? What kind of infection was it? Yes, it's strep throat, and I didn't know, I love penis. What else can cause, can we Google that? Yeah, because now I'm worried that every time

I've had strep is because I accidentally ingested poop excrement, yeah. It's like when you get pink eye, that's when you put shit in your eye. Yeah, bacteria, there you go. So no, there's bacteria in a lot of things. Streptococcus. I'm sure that it's not just from ingesting shit.

You can get strep throat from a lot of things. Damn. Yeah, yeah, a lot of things can cause it. Well, I mean, Dr. Drew has told us that you can eat shit, you can eat your own shit. He sure did, he almost made it a case to try it, you know? He really did, he was just like, oh, absolutely that's okay. Yeah, but apparently, I mean, he didn't mention strep, it's really uncomfortable.

Yeah. Come and check it out. Yeah, you should. But we don't advocate eating your own shit or anyone else's on this show. Yeah, don't do that. Yeah, Drew. What is CP Surprise? Are you ever surprised for me?

Oh yeah, it's a clip I found for you today. Can I click, can I open it? Please do, this is definitely something you will love. Okay. Oh my God. We're watching a guy try to navigate through. It's all right now, I'm super tight. Breathing out.

Cave. Oh my God. Man, my insides are hard. I know, that's why I wanted you to see it. Okay, so I'm coming up out of this and if I get stuck, I have this rock with me such that I can pop up some of these knuckles which made it very hard to get into. Now I have to go slow.

That's that knuckle. I'm gonna be shirtless shortly here. Okay, so. This is a TikTok account where all this guy does is cave dive with you and he takes this camera and you get to see how absolutely anxiety-provoking this is. Not only anxiety-provoking, I think one of the,

because it's so anxiety-provoking and you realize like terrifying and everything, the fact that he's gotta set up the camera. You know, like make sure my camera is set and you're like, so if I die, that's captured. Like it just feels crazier that he brings something to record. I know, and I imagine he has it went on like

that pole in front of him and he pushes the pole and then, but if, okay, I'm not even gonna go there, but if he does die, will they even be able to recover the camera or him, I mean, it's so narrow if he can't get out. He's the pro. How'd you know that this would do this to me? How'd you know?

How'd you know? Feel better now? Yeah. Listen, I know it makes you lol and I know it makes. This doesn't make me lol. And I know it gives you full blown anxiety, panic attack and that's why I wanted you to see this right now.

He's gonna be shirtless shortly here. That means that he's, it's gonna be ripped off, right? Through the cave and sweating, right? I'm just not doing well. The best part is he's like, I have to exhale now to get through. I mean, how do we do this? A lot of people ask why we do this.

And you're just never gonna get a sufficient answer. Why do you wake up in the morning? You know what drives you, what makes you want to get up and go study a subject or go to work or go out and hang out with your friends. It's really nothing, right? This is life and that's all. This is our way of living.

It is not our way of dying. Okay, I have so many questions. So also like, number one, is there like a cool view at the end of this? Like, is he hiking to a waterfall? Or this is just the thrill of the process? I'm so upset. Right, like, is there a payoff to this hobby?

Other than just being in total panic? The light at the end of the day. Oh, you get to live again. Yeah, you get to keep living. That's... It seems really, I'm not sure what the reward is other than like adrenaline and like panic. You know, as I've gotten older,

my claustrophobia has like grown. Really? I've never really thought about it before and people would say like, I'm claustrophobic or are you? And I'd be like, no, no. And then like, as I've gotten older, it's gotten worse. You're getting closer to the casket. I guess.

I'm feeling. But no, like those spaces, like really tight spaces really make me kind of panic, you know? Yeah, yeah. Well, I got something for you to watch. Oh no, is it Pia? No, but I think you'll like it. Proud thing that all these women have going on.

I mean, I don't knock women for feeling proud and for wanting to have, you know, that girl power and holding things over him. But no, you've got to give it up, Lee. I please my man in every way. All the ways, wake him up. He gets to nut before he leaves out the door. He's leaving empty nuts.

At work, I am calling him like, come outside. It's your lunch break. It's time for you to get your nut off. When he gets home, he's getting fed. He is getting another nut and one before bed or two if he's lucky. That's it, that's a secret. I make sure that my man nuts at least six

or seven times a day. Wow. There's an angel in the sky. What a lovely, lovely girl. She's so caring. That's a full time job making this guy nut. Six, seven times a day. It's a lot of nuts, yeah.

It's a lot of nuts. Do you want me to start doing you six to seven times a day? That's a lot of nut, even in your 20s. I really feel like, I feel like the follow-up should be like, is this man 21 years old? Because there's not a lot of guys walking around in their 30s, they'll be like, yeah, I need about six or seven, but I just learned

from a clip that Scotty Pippin was married for 23 years and his now ex-wife said, they had sex four times a day, seven days a week, every day, including road trips. She's like, we're never apart. She came on every road trip and he fucked me four times a day. Jesus.

And he was doing this into his 30s, you know? Which I was like, how is this fucking, this is crazy. Four times a day. Right, so 28 times a week they had sex. That's wild, dude. Yeah, I'm like, man, that's a crazy fucking drive. Ah, that's a lot. That's what he and she are used to, 28 times a week.

That would definitely hurt your meow. Your meow, yeah. And also like, what's going on with that ball back? I mean. It's just all, he's juiced up. He's teetering. Yeah. Yeah, but go to his, go to the web results for this, because that is,

it's gotta be something about, yeah, let's see. Recalls, no, no, no. Just, yeah. Cause it, yeah, there you go. Four times a night. Damn. During their 20, yeah. Jesus.

Oh, she's dating Michael Jordan's son. That's gotta put a fucking real wrench in the relationship, I would think. Jesus. They're on slash off 20 year marriage. Oh, now that sounds tumultuous, yeah. Always had sex four times a night. Yeah, I had sex four times a night every night.

I never had a day off for 23 years. Isn't that, that's wild, right? Even when she's on her monthly bill, and she's probably like, I don't really. I don't understand how that fucking wild. Jesus. Yeah. That's cool that their kids know.

She's like, proud parents of 22 year old son. She's dating Marcus Jordan, I didn't even realize. Hold on, they have four children. They do? Go, go, look, hold on, the Pippins were fertile. Yeah. 22 year old, 20 year old, 17 year old, and a 14 year old. Oh, yeah, they have four kids.

So she had four babies. Yeah. And like, you know, postpartum, after your vag is ripped out four times, and he's like, come on, bitch. She's one of the best basketball players in the world. That's true. And you kind of, you don't fucking forget.

You don't say no. Who's on the other side of the bed? He's one of the greatest of all time. Yeah. He's got a Pippin. Wow. Unbelievable. He is worth it.

He could beat anyone on one, I believe, that he would. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Keep scrolling. Yeah, that's where she made, that's where I think she made the confession. I think it was like on that, we want a show like that, you know,

it was a clip like that. Is there more? She's on The Housewives. Yeah. The Syrian-American influencer was still technically married to the 57-year-old retired NBA legend when she met the 32-year-old son of Michael Jordan

through friends, and they began dating last September. I just met him a few years ago. I never met him before. I was with Scotty the very last year that, wow, that's so weird that her ex-husband, now ex-husband, was teammates with, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's kind of incestuous. And you gave the son of that, it's fucking wild.

I bet his son, the son's super hot. Yeah. With the whole of Michael Jordan. Yeah. But dude, ay, yay, yay. Yeah. This is the family, oh, they're cute. Yeah, that's the family.

Dang. It's him and the kids, like you said, the four kids. God, that still can't get over that. Four times a day. Four a day for 23 years. That's wild, dude. That is such a, I mean, that is actually a very unnatural.

I think that's an addictive, something's going on. Isn't that kind of a weird, it's a little high for, like you said. A little high. For a man of his age and the travel and that. Even like, I mean, even like when you're, you're totally naturally juiced up at,

you know, 18, 20. I mean, usually those like four timers are like, like one day, right? And then you're like, your system kind of, you know, regroups. Yeah. And then you kind of go back to it, but if you're like every day, that's wild, man.

But it seems like Scotty is a perfect match. You know? A proud thing that all these women have. You know what I mean? Yeah. She's a perfect match. They're a perfect match. Oh, now let it come.

Empty nights. Yeah. Empty nights. There was people out there banging that off. That's fucking crazy. Scotty's back in. Yeah. I don't know, dude.

I make sure that my man nuts at least six or seven times a day. I mean, would you want that, man? Six or seven tops or that. Fuck no, man. No. As soon as she said, like, we nut in the morning, I'm like, oh, fuck yeah, before I leave, that's dope.

And then she's like, and then when he's at work, I'm like, come outside, lunch break, time to fuck. I'm like, fuck Jesus. I don't know. Yeah. Already, I'm kind of like. Yeah, I know, right? It seems a bit intrusive.

Like, do you want your woman just showing up at your job? No. I've been like, I'm had a soccer deck. Like, I know it's a nice thought, but most guys, when they go to work, don't want their woman just showing up, right? Yeah. Like.

If your woman's showing up to suck your deck, it's pretty cool, you know? They're usually like. I need to talk to you, man. That's annoying. But hold on, if she's showing up at his job, like, where is she? I don't know, I mean.

That's a whole other thing. She's like, she's all in here. She's juiced up too. Yeah, she's fully in the game. She's fully juiced up. Usually too, like, if you got two off in the first part of the day, you're probably not getting home like, I really need to nut right now.

I know, dude. You know? Right, guys? Unless you have like. Yeah, you guys are young, man. That many times a day? No. No.

Like maybe for a special occasion. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Consistently. A sometimes treat, as you call it. A sometimes treat, exactly. Sometimes treat. A sometimes treat.

Wake him up, he gets to nut. Yeah. He gots to nut. He gots to nut. I like when you do dumb girl plays. I gots to nut. Hot the thotties. Far times of that.

Far times of that. Yeah. This chick needs a podcast. Well, yeah, no wonder this guy is not going anywhere. You know? Yeah, he can't. He doesn't have any energy. Yeah.

He's spent. Six nuts in a day would definitely incapacitate me. Yeah, I guess that's the goal is just like, these chicks are so afraid of losing their guys, but if your nuts are fully empty, you're not going to lose them. Because he doesn't have the energy to look. The most I've nutted in a day.

When you and I first started banging, we used to nut a lot. But we were in our 20s when we've got together. Totally. And then, as a teen also, you have like, I remember a few six and seven days, but you're also like 16, 17, and like you said, in your 20s, but you're naturally,

like your hormones are so crazy. Yeah. Your hormones are raging. You actually, like you said, you want that tea to kind of wear off a little bit, you know? Yeah, settle down. Yeah. There is a time where like, I remember you could just nut

and you just, I mean, there is no refractory period. It was like, bang, right back up, like let's go again. Yeah. Yeah, I've had, those are, those are solo and, and with other people. Back to back nuts, yeah. That's really cool. Yeah.

Yeah. What's your highest nut record for a day? I don't remember, babe. Yeah. I mean. Come on, dig deep. Close your eyes. Jesus.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I remember a few times with you. Yeah. Like being sore and banging a lot. Yeah. We bang a lot. Did space come?

Space, come. That was nice. Yeah. It's something. It's so, so. Yeah. It's terrible. It's, it's so, so.

Oh. Terry. Are you a cum slut? God, that is. Well, I feel like these chicks are. Terrible. Definitely cum slut. I hear the thing.

You know, every dude is like, yeah, that's what I want. You don't want that. You don't want six or seven. You really don't. This chick is, yeah, she's out there. But the right guy will, the addict. Yeah. That guy that's like, you know, he's, yeah, that's addictive stuff.

Six and seven a day. Um, can I tell you a Bajitski effect I had? Totally. It's not about coming at all. So I hope that's okay. Yeah. I feel like we're ready to move on. Okay.

Can I tell you what I've been doing for fucking 45 years, 46 years? Okay. When I'm on a trip, go to the airport. My wallet is in my backpack or whatever the fuck. And then as I get to the TSA line in a panic, I stop, get my, get my ID out. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like I had this thought in the hotel.

I can pull out my ID and tip money before I even get in the car on the way to the airport. So it's just with you. So it's not like a panicked moment. You can start doing that soon. I did it. I did it for the first time and I'll have that feel in the morning. I was like, oh my God, dude, I'm fucking idiot. Like what I always like, oh, I got it.

You know, you're waiting. People are waiting. Yeah. Do you do that? Or do you just open your, we'll give a wallet. A wallet in your back pocket. I mean, there's even times, there's wallets that suck. So I've switched wallets a bunch because there's ones where the ID is like too tightly snug

in a window. Yes. And you have to take it out. So it's much easier on the, on the wallets where it just like, you know, easily folds out like that. You don't have. He uses a travel. He uses a fanny pack.

Yeah. Fanny pack is hot. Yeah. Um, I, can I just say that a wallet in the, in the back pocket seems like the most reckless thing you can do. It's so dangerous. Yeah. Someone can just snatch that right out of your cushion.

It kind of does feel like that. It's silly. You guys all do that. It's really reckless. Uh, I will say that when I'm leaning in on a craps table, I always move the wallet to the front pocket. I do front pocket, um, wallets a lot too. I'm actually about to switch out of this one because it's too big in the back.

Right. So then you have a big lump in your front pocket. Yeah. No, I get it. It's a smaller wallet. I get like a, like a thinny. Yeah. It's thin.

I take my ID out and my tip money out and then I shove it in my bra, like my grandmother did, like my old lady. That's some underdeveloped nation. Yup. Yeah. You're not supposed to say, you're supposed to say developing country. Oh yeah. That's a correct yourself.

That's from some third world bullshit. Third world shit. You can't say third world anymore. That's so stupid. Yeah. Why is that insulting? It's just a statement of fact, right? First, second, third, because we're winners.

It totally is because like America's number one, right? No one ever talks about the second world, the people that are in between the first and the third world. Oh my God. So deep, bro. You're right. Yeah. Like who's second world?

What's second? Like central Europe. Like Hungary was considered second world. I'm sure now it's first. Oh, the second world was initially used to refer to the Soviet Union countries of the communist bloc. Yeah. It has subsequently been revised refer to nations that fall between first, right.

But we never, no one ever was like, oh, this is a second world. We always hear about third world country. Yeah. Nobody pays attention to those second world countries. So who's in the second world? The second world, so-called communist bloc. That's what I said. Yeah.

Hungary. So the Soviet Union. What are the second world countries? Just like. Jesus. Nadav is Googling looking for you. Oh, yeah. I wonder if I know that.

Hurry up and find that shit. You F and J. Nadav is Googling. Nadav is Googling. Yeah. I don't see it. Looking for you. It's also on the front one. I think.

Really? The first one. And friends. Oh, yeah. You're right. I found it. Oh, you did? It took me that long to find it.

It should be Thomas looking for his sound drops. Hurry up and find that shit. You F and J. Nadav is Googling. Nadav is Googling. Looking for you. Good job. Nadav is Googling. Hurry up and find that shit.

You F and J. What a song. Okay. What did you got? The second world was the so-called communist bloc. The Soviet Union, China, Cuba, and friends. I like how they call it friends. The remaining nations, which align with neither group, were assigned to the third world.

Look at this homo. I wrote an article called, if you shouldn't call it the third world, what shit? Because there's now, there's like, you can't say that now. I know. But it does imply like USA number one, number two is the Soviet Union. Yeah. It's like Talladega nights, you know? Yeah.

The first world consisted of the U.S. What is the, yeah, every label has a problem. What is, how does the article start though? Okay. So it actually says, what should you call it? What could I say that wouldn't ruffle any feathers? Like they give me. Developing global south.

Global south. Low and middle income countries. What's the safest term? What can I say? Can I say chick with a dick? Is that okay? It was Western. Yeah.

Okay. So back in the day, the Cold War, it was the West versus Soviets, right? There's another group of countries, many of them former colonies, none of them squirreling, either the West or the Soviet camp. Thinking of these three factions, French demographer Alfred Soville wrote of three worlds, one planet. So it was the frogs who came up with this idea. Yeah. 1952.

Huh. Yeah. I mean, the third world, I think it says, has always been blurred lines. Doesn't seem like it. You kind of just go like, look at this fucking airport, you know? Yes. Third world. Third world.

Yeah. These dirt, are these dirt fucking tarmacs? And it's just is. It just is. Which part of the world is first? It's easy. It's easy to see. Yeah.

Yeah. US. Western Europe. Yeah. France. Germany. Yeah. England.

Sweden. Iceland. Norway. Yeah. Yeah. Places you, you know, you feel. Okay. Here, hold on.

Here's the solution. Okay. Here we go. Developing countries sounds like it might be a better choice on the surface. It seems accurate. We're writing about countries that need to develop better healthcare systems, better schools, better ways to bring water in. Okay.

Some people in these so-called developing countries are fine with the term. Okay. What's the wrong with that, you fucking pussies? Oh, yeah. Look at the things that need to be indicators. Be a called developing country gives me a chance to improve. Yeah. Yeah.

And we're all pulling for you. We don't like it the way it is. Please. Then I encountered developing haters. One of them is. I just like the term developing. Right, okay, because it assumes a hierarchy between countries. Yeah, there is.

There is, yeah. Yeah. It paints a picture of Western society as ideal. It is. Well, it's what everyone's striving to get to, you dumb fucking cunt. It's pretty good. It also perpetuates stereotypes. Yeah.

Accurate ones. Stop. Accurate stereotypes about incompetent corrupt governments that waste the resources. It's true. The limited resources they have, and that's why it's still a shit fucking pile when you get there. Yeah. Of course.

Why do we have such trouble with the truth? I swear. Stupid bitch. All right. You can close that. Democracy number one. Yeah. Yeah, the West.

We crushed it, guys. Yeah. Why do you think people are trying to get here? Yeah. I think it's a fucking, because they wish they could stick around and shovel up the dirt and sewage that they swim in. Is that why they're trying to get here? Fuck is wrong with you.

Yeah, some countries suck, and you need to lose weight to go on the fucking excursion. Although, when I was in Brooklyn, there are some parts that look like Sri Lanka. It's not really good. Yeah. They look like fucking disaster. Yeah. That dog is good. All right.

Let's take a quick break. We'll be right back. Okay. We'll be right back. And our guest today has a podcast called The Connect. Give it up for Johnny Mitchell, everybody. Hey. What's up, everybody?

Now, I got to say this. I purposely, like, I heard, you know, just like the rough outline of your path, and I purposely resisted diving in and finding out because I wanted to have the conversation with you and really not know things, which I feel like is better. Sometimes you go, like, no, I'm just going to look, and then you know the things, and then you don't ask the questions. Right. What I heard or know is that you were a legit drug dealer and went to prison.

But what I'm so curious, I have so many questions, and now you do stand up, you know, point that out that you're a comedian, but you have this dream past that we all wish we had just dove into. Most of us who go like... It was fabulous. That was amazing. Sounds so exciting. But most people who, like, you know, we all, like, either bought weed from somebody and

or, you know, sold some, like, oh, dime bags or, you know, quarter, whatever. So did you start the way that most people do, like, hey, can I get my weed from you, a half ounce or whatever? Absolutely. Absolutely. Like, we just started because we wanted to smoke for free in high school. Which was like how every guy, like, he was like, I just want to be able to smoke. Let's buy a half ounce.

We can sell it out and get our money back. And that was you for how long? Dude, I was like an open mic drug dealer for like four years. Like, I put in my time. I didn't get rich overnight. And you put that in and it's just like, I'll call Johnny if I want a bag. Yeah. Friends and friends of friends.

Exactly. And people in high school and shit like that. Sure. May I ask you... Oh, sorry. No, it's okay. Did you learn the tricks of the trade through that, those beginnings of like, I need a beeper?

Or like, how do you learn to be a drug dealer? Is it trial and error? Yeah, of course. So I got robbed many times, got ripped off, would buy weed because this is back in the early 2000s when it's like really illegal still and there was money to be made. And the robbery, was it even at that low level? Like you're getting robbed then? Yeah, because we would try to buy it from like, you know, the older kids in high school.

Oh, and those kind of robberies. Yeah. Yeah. And they would like, they would take me to a house, like a weed house and I would, you know, give them 60 bucks and they were like, we're going to go get you a quarter ounce and get right back. Got you. Just be gone.

And they would be like, oh, he's definitely coming back though, right? The sun's going down. I got to get home for dinner. I got robbed like that outside the, whatever the Atlanta, whatever dome it was, no, for what's it called? Peach Bowl tickets? Like these kids were so clever, dude. What they did was, we were looking for tickets, man, a friend of mine and they had a folded

piece of paper like this and they go, here's the tickets, right? And we took it and you look and the tickets are there. Like they're Peach Bowl tickets, like legit ones and you're like, okay, then they take it back and they're like, if you want the ticket, so then you give them the cash and then they hand you the thing back and you open it and there's two pink slips and the guys are just gone. The sleight of hand. It's very sleight of hand.

Brilliant. I mean, it's so fast. Right. Happened, you want these? You're like, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. Give me the money. So how do you prevent against getting robbed?

So how did you learn not to rob? But that kind of robbery. Yeah. Well, we got robbed at gunpoint too. That's a cool one. Yeah. But let's dial it back a little bit. So everybody sells weed in high school.

Every guy with a little bit of juice, you know what I mean? Yeah. They sell weed. Kind of makes you feel cool too. For sure. Everybody kind of has that, especially middle-class people, they have that, you know, we're obsessed with gangsterism. Yeah, yeah.

We glorify that in America. Absolutely. Especially men, boys, you know, you're 14, 15 years old, you're like, I want to be a badass. People that say movies and television don't influence people to go commit crime are so dead-ass wrong. Yeah. I know. We're video games that influence people into thinking they're Navy SEALs.

Yeah. Or just rampant prostitute killers with me when I watch, play GTA. I fucking, I believe in this country and I want us to have. Tom just got into the Oculus video game system. But anyway, back to you. You're more interesting than I am. Jesus Christ. Amazing.

You have time to run this empire and indulge in your whimsy. I can't believe you're talking shit. You enjoy a fucking pretty great lifestyle. My freedoms. Yeah. Because of people like me. Okay. All right.

Go ahead. So deep down, I always wanted to like, I always wanted to take it to the next level. Like, because, because we, when you, when I found out people could like make a living just selling weed, I was like, oh, that's, that's what I've got to do. But I couldn't tell anybody that. Of course. I couldn't tell my friends that. But like, I wanted to be a huge drug dealer.

Yeah. I really did. That was the beginning. But yeah, that's how we started out. And I didn't make a profit for years because I would buy whatever an ounce of weed and I would oversell. So I undercut everybody else at the school. So I would sell you like the biggest dime bags, a half a gram more than the next guy.

Yeah. So I got all the customers, but I wouldn't have any profit. Gotcha. But I, but I was moving it. What's your first graduation? Like you said, four years of like low level. Yeah. Pretty much three or four years.

Yeah. And then we got to college. I went to the University of Oregon. Go Ducks. And Eugene, go Ducks. Yeah. Exactly. And it's a huge campus.

One of the best places for selling drugs. Yeah. You know, I recommend every college student. It's a great tagline for the school. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

Highest fentanyl consumption. Yeah. University of Texas. Come here. You're nice. Yeah. So. Welcome.

So you get there though. Yeah. You had this experience of like, you know how to buy an ounce and kind of sell dime. And then because you have those aspirate, those ambitions, do you go, when I get to Eugene, I'm going to step it up. Like, is it a plan for you? Yeah. Absolutely.

It is. Absolutely. Me and my long time best friend of this day, he was my partner in it. And I just knew I had to find a source. I had to find a connect, right? And back in the day, it's not like now you could just Google search. Where do I get? Find a pound of weed?

Where do I find a weed? A field of weed. Yeah. You could literally do that. Yeah. So like, it was hard, it was having a drug connect. Like you couldn't call up and get a kilo of Coke. You know, your producers couldn't do that, right?

Right. Like you couldn't, it was the same with weed. So we had, either I had to have like a Mexican connection, like a connection to the cartels or you had to know these like redneck growers from Southern Oregon or Northern California where they grow the shit, you know? So I knew I just had to find one of those guys. I had no idea how I was going to do it. But, you know, eventually, like you really manifest.

Yeah. And then I found what you think about. So I was able to find that source, that wholesale source, and then it just took off. Now, can I ask you, because this is like, this is fascinating to me. So you're, you're like, I need this. And do you, to get that actual first source, are you, is it, I talked to this guy and talk and then somebody was like, here's the guy, like, is it through conversations? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, we had to actually pay. We had to pay to get an introduction. Just the intro. Just the intro. I had to pay five grand. Dude. And that was, you don't, you get anything but the meeting.

Just the meeting. And what's that meeting like? You know, it's sketchy at first. Sure. Because of the implications. Yes. Go ahead. Is it like breaking that?

Are they like characters with like tattooed faces and scary cartel type? Is it really that cartoon? No, no. Because the Mexican guys, those are cholos. Yeah. Mexican cartel people straight from the border. Yeah. They usually don't even know what state they're in.

Yeah. They're like farmers. They're farmers. They don't associate it at all with like, you know, guys that have LA tattooed on their eyebrow. You know what I mean? Like it's, it's, it's a completely different culture. But the guy that you're meeting for the first time, the plug, the $5,000 meeting, is he?

That was a white guy. What is he that guy? That was, you know, he was like, he's just a working class blue collar guy. He was an electrician that got laid off. Got you. And this is a guy in Ashland, Oregon, and his nephew went to school with me in Eugene. And I think his nephew had got popped with like some meth and he was getting ready to go do some time, like whatever, six months or something like that.

No real, real time. But he was like, Hey, I got to go sit down for a little bit. I know you need a plug. I'll introduce you to my uncle, but I'm going to need some. Some cash to do it. Yeah. Some consideration. Yeah.

So, you know, I hit him with five grand because we knew how valuable that was. Right. I knew I was actually getting a deal. And the guy made me, what the connect made me was way more than five grand. And that initial meeting, he's feeling you out too, right? I mean, like that. Yeah. It's super sketchy.

We drove. We had a 1990 red Acura. That was like our dream. That was like the, you know, the white boy, like wigger car, the wigger whip, you know? And we took it like up this like gravel road, you know, past like barking dogs and just up in the middle of the forest and dudes had like shotguns. They did. Yeah.

Shotguns. Yeah. You know what I mean? All that stuff. Right. So it's, it's definitely like felt like. Don't you dial back the fucking red Acura. Right.

Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. I'm like, I had a flashback to like the movie deliverance. Sure. I was like, take this guy.

Yeah. Yeah. This guy squeals like a pig. And so how long does that meeting last? Not long at all. Like he just took us. I was just like, show me the stuff. You know, like he was, he was a real nice guy.

He was like, I just, he was almost apologetic. Right. He was just like, I got to make sure you guys are solid. Yeah. Right. Like, you know, my nephew. Yeah. And it's just weed that he's selling you at that point.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So they have, these guys would bury it underground. They would harvest. And then they would have two, three, 400 pounds. And they would, they would just stuff it, you know, they'd bag it up into pounds, put it into like a big, like gigantic tub, plastic tub.

And they would bury it underground and just dig it up and sell it as needed. Did you take. Smart. From that meeting. Was that just now we can? Or did you take actual product from that, from that meeting? No. We just met them.

Just met. And then I was like, okay, great. I think we had like 20 grand. And so, you know, back then that only got you, let's see, I think, I think we're paying like 2,500 a pound. So we went down and maybe picked up like 13 pounds a couple of days later. We drove back to Eugene, got the cash, came back and picked up when you got your 13 pounds though.

That's your first like time that you're like, oh, like we're kind of doing this for real. Yeah. They stepped it up for sure. This is not just dime bags. It was very exciting. It's had to be like such a rush. Yeah. We didn't think about the consequences at all.

No. It was great. And you're dealing out of a dorm room or did you have to? No, no. We're like 21 years old at the time. So we're maybe like juniors. I think we're juniors. So we had a buddy who we didn't even have to pay him.

He was just like, I'd be honored to use my house as a stash. As a stash house. I'm not an idiot. Yeah. Yeah. What a dumb, dumb. Yeah. People just want to be involved.

That's how much the dream of like, I want to be a bad boy is real. So we would just leave it in his house and then we would go over there as needed. But now you don't sell like the move, right? I mean, from what I would guess is like, when you're moving, you're buying now pounds at a time. What are you selling? Are you selling QPs? Are you selling?

Yeah. So we were kind of just wholesale at that point. Like I didn't want to, I didn't want to break it down anymore. So we're actually just giving it to other wholesalers and just charging a markup. Just middlemaning. Okay. I was like, I don't want to, I don't want to break it. Sometimes we would, if it was the drought season, meaning like August or September,

and there was very, like people would sell out of their crops and you could literally go months at a time back in the day with no pot to buy. It was wild. Yeah. Imagine that now. It's like inconceivable now. Inconceivable. That you could run out.

Yeah. But that's great for someone like you. Totally. And then we would, we needed to stretch our products. So that's when we would break it down into smaller amounts. But you know, normally I would just take a pound for 2,500 and give it to you for like 28. Okay.

So we're making like a middle class living, but we're not rich yet. Yes. Yes. Teacher. So to get this straight, so you're essentially giving a chunk to who you were in high school. The guy that's going to go now deal a little bigger than that. A little bigger because I would give this guy 5 pounds, I would give this guy 5 pounds and then this guy 2 pounds.

So how do you trust that that guy, if he gets caught, isn't going to rat you out? How do you trust all these guys? You can't. You can't. And that's, you know, long term, that's going to happen. That's what gets everybody. That's going to happen. The big guys, the big guys, like when I was, you know, flash forward to when I was really

making like, you know, hundreds of thousands a month, I would, I had a guy follow a guy around. You know what I mean? To make sure he didn't get pinched. That's what like big time dealers might do is they might literally just have, you would pay like a private investigator to follow the guy that you're giving drugs to around just to make sure that he's not meeting up with anybody sketchy, that he's not like going down to the police station, that he's not, you know, talking to undercover cops.

But yeah, you can't. There's no failsafe in drug dealing. Are you, are you gaining any like edge as far as like now you're like, the business is growing, but are you gaining any like, like hardcore edge to yourself? Like with this, you know what I mean? Like where you're like, I'll start carrying a piece or like, yeah, no, no, or you stay kind of like, yeah, I always like, I always thought about myself as like Jay-Z, right? Yeah.

You talked about the life, but it was glamorized. Like I'm a businessman. Yeah. We're not gangsters at all. Okay. Okay. And, and definitely not carrying a gun because, you know, you get caught with a gun and drugs. It's like big time.

Yeah, exactly. So even back then, we weren't that worried about the cops. We were always worried about getting robbed. But if we got robbed, it's like, that's just a business expense at the end of the day. Like we're, we were fucking up. We, you know, let's sketchy people into our world. And this is what happens. Exactly.

Did you keep cash super set like, you know, stashed in different places so you don't have it all in one place? Yeah. I tried to, but the cash was the big, the cash was the thing that I never trusted anybody else with for the most part. So I always really kept it where I, where I lived, you know, and that was my downfall years later was, you know, I got busted with, I didn't get busted with any drugs. I got busted with cash.

Right. I was going to say, don't they have to launder the money? Yeah. You have to do something. Do you do this now, like you, you graduated to buying these, you know, you said 13 pounds the first time. 10 to 15 pounds. How long do you do that for?

I guess until we graduated college. And then you're like, it's time to step this up. What we saw happening was that the price of the, the brick, the pound kept going down. So it was like 2008, 2009 now. So it's getting progressively more difficult to sell weed on the West Coast and especially wholesale. So our margins are reducing and that's because now so many people are growing, so many people are selling laws or thawing, right?

So it's, you know, laws on the West Coast. Now it's very easy to get your medical card. So there's just a lot more players in the game because I could see, I'm like, we're moving towards legalization, like it's going to happen in like a decade. Especially here, West Coast. Yes. Exactly. Exactly.

So I, you know, we had a lot of fun. We went and lived in South America. We did. Oh my God. Yeah. How cool. And I lived in Columbia for a while. Oh my God.

I lived in Argentina. Damn. Yeah. I lived in, I traveled around. I went to Peru. Oh, nice. Yeah. Half Peruvian.

Yeah. Yeah. I went to Peru, Ecuador, all that stuff. And this week, are you still like work? Like when I went out of town, I would leave the business with my man. Okay. It was great. Got you.

And then just enjoy life. Exactly. What would you tell family, friends, people you don't want to know? Like, you know, I've seen like parents or something like, or like, what are you doing? What do you tell them? Well, my parents would, you know, they were nosy motherfuckers and I would be like, I would come home. I was thinking about this the other day.

I would come home from college for the summer as you do. I would go to college. Sure. Back for the summer. And like, I would get kicked out of the house almost every summer because my mom would be like cleaning in my room and she would be like, Hey, sweetie, I found this backpack with 30 grand in it. You're going to have to leave if you're going to be doing this.

Wow. So they knew. Yeah. And I'd be like, you're a fucking bitch, mom. Yeah. You're like a full white spoiled kid on. Yeah. Okay.

I have some technical questions for you, Johnny. Sure. So you kept the drug supply in your home where you lived, correct? Is that what you're saying? You lived with the guy? No, it was a different location. No, we kept it at a stash spot of a different friend of ours that nobody knew where it was. Okay.

So when you gave a brick to say a drug dealer, did you meet the guy in different locations? Yeah. Yeah. Always. Where do you meet somebody to deliver? Always. Is it like in the movies? Is it in a parking lot at Chuck E. Cheese?

Yeah. What was your spot? I love Chuck E. Cheese anyways. So I'm like, I'm going to be here. So meet me there. Okay. How would you deliver a brick of weed in exchange for cash without getting... I always kept it.

I would all... I tried to go where they lived. I was trying to go where they lived because now I know where you live, motherfucker. Yeah, motherfucker. Good. So I would do that and, dude, I like sold coke to kids outside of history class. Like it was wild. When did you break into coke?

I broke into coke in the middle of college because whenever there'd be those droughts I was talking about where you couldn't get any drugs, any weed, and I would just be burning a hole in my pocket. So I would like... At this time, we had started to get connected with the cartels and these guys were from the Sinaloa cartel. They were growing in Northern California. So I had two different suppliers now.

I had two different groups of people selling me growing weed and... Those dudes definitely knew where you lived though. Yeah, they did. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I mean... It feels like that they would be like, man, follow that, like someone would... You would think, but I don't think these guys are as thorough as the shows make them

out to be. You know, like they... When I went to go meet them, it was high up in the Mendocino forest and they could see everything that was coming at them. So they had lookouts posted. The way they do in the mountains of Sinaloa, they have sentries, guards that are watching everything. So it's like, if I was working with the DEA or there was a bust happening, they would

know about it, you know. So you went there to visit? Yeah, I would go pick up from them. So I don't think they had... Wait, you picked up in Sinaloa? No, sorry, in Mendocino. Oh, okay. Yeah.

No, I never... I went to Sinaloa last month. You did? Yeah. I went and raided and got Ovidio, Chapo's son. Chapo's son? Yeah. But anyway, so I would get...

But I met these guys. What'd you go there for recently? What? Just to see? It's on the show. Oh, okay. Yeah. Because I thought it'd be wild.

I'm like, I used to buy from these guys when they lived in America. Let's go see where their turf is. You know? That is... And I won't be back anytime soon. But I... So anyways, these guys also had tons of other drugs. This is before fentanyl, but they had heroin and they had cocaine.

So they started a pipeline me with, like, good Mexican margins, right? Great margins. Yeah. And you can only... You could pick up... Like, you could buy four ounces at a time, nine ounces at a time, and then you never have to sell to another drug dealer. You could make real money just retailing Coke to customers and the odds of them, to your

point, how do you control if the person you sell drugs to gets caught? But if you guys are just doing Coke on the weekends, the likelihood of you getting arrested by the police and you ratting on me is very low, because you're just going to do the drugs right away. Yeah, yeah. So... Yeah. So it was a great business.

And were you doing the drugs, too, when you get them? No. Did you get heroin? No, no, no, especially, like, I've done Coke for fun, like, in South America, but I would never... I'm so cheap, I'm so business-minded that whenever I had it to sell, I never touched it. What is, like, a quiet... What do you get Coke for and what do you sell it for?

Back then, we were paying... I guess Coke's gone up, but back then, we were paying about $6.50 an ounce. If we bought nine at a time, he would give it to us for, like, $600 an ounce. And we could almost double our money off of every ounce. Wow. Yeah, so that's good money. Yeah. Breaking it down, though.

Coke is great. I never sold it wholesale. I tried not to. And how much do you sell at a time when you break down an ounce? Grams. Grams, eighths, 3.5 grams, and half ounces. Wow. Okay.

Who splits it up? Like, movies? Is it a bunch of shirtless girls with their tits out with the chopping up and scales? Absolutely. Absolutely. What is it with the shirtlessness? Was that just a... Yeah, so you're not hiding shit, right?

Apparently you're not. Yeah, but I don't know if I believe that. I don't know if I believe to have your titties out, like, and all this Coke residue that's getting onto you. It seems egregious. It seems like they just wanted to have these bitches titties out. No one is mad at titties, but also, it's a good work environment, I suppose, positive life.

I agree. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, not a T-Char is going to call. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all right here. No, I think these are desperate women from the Dominican Republic that have no choice. Yeah. They also, like, if you do put on a shirt and we don't know what you're... if you're stealing

something from us, we're just going to cut your fucking neck open, so just take your shirt off. Yeah, or we'll call the INS and you'll be back to living with a pig inside of your... inside of your house. Do you want to share a room with livestock, or do you want to bag my heroin up without a shirt on? Yeah, but... in a developing, emerging economy, not a third world? First world place.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, developing, yes. That's very politically correct. Okay, I have a question about cash. You mentioned earlier, that's how you got into trouble, so tell me about cash. Where do you hide it? Yeah. Why do you have to launder it?

Well, that was my biggest regret, is not starting like legitimate businesses right away. Like, even if you have 20 grand and you have a little bit of like forward thinkingness, you could start like an online business, like there's a lot you can do with not very much cash. Yeah, and just hide it, start funneling it through there. Totally, and even if it didn't make a profit, it still cleans it up. So like, the reason cash is so hard to hide, especially now is that, well, it's hard and it isn't, but you have to... if you have like a cash business, like buying shoes, like what

I would have done is I'd take $20,000 and I would just go down to the Supreme Store on Fairfax, pay some kids to go do it, buy shoes for $400 a piece and sell them online to Japan for whatever they're paying for it, $1,000, right? And then you'd open up an LLC, declare it, show all the receipts of sales, and then you pay taxes on it. But back then, when you're 21, 22, you're like, I'm going to bury this in my mom's garden. Yeah. Well, theoretically, what's wrong with burying it in your mom's garden?

So what's the problem? Yeah, that's true, I guess. It's a problem. It's only the problem if you go to prison for a long time. But it's also a problem that... It can disintegrate. It can deteriorate. It can deteriorate, right?

If you're just hiding it in drawers and everything, A, you're not having access to it. It's hard. Yeah. You make it public. You have access to the cash. Right. You're paying taxes on it. You're losing some of it, but you have access to money now.

Right. Also, correct. Also, if you get in trouble, like if I had had all these businesses popping, these fake businesses, when they had raided my crib and found, I think they found about $400,000 in cash just in one shot, then I could have at least had some action in court. My lawyer could be like, look, he has all of these different businesses. He's selling shoes. He's selling cars.

Yeah. He's got some weird Bitcoin shit. You could at least have a fighting chance to prove that maybe you're not a drug dealer. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's just when you have no, when you're not showing any legal income, it's just like your odds of getting hit with tax evasion and all of these other criminal charges. You're fucked even more.

You're fucked. You're dead to rights. So that's why it's imperative to do that shit, right? So where do you physically hide your cash? Are you sewing it into the lining of jackets like immigrants or is it in the mattress? Dude, it's in the mattress. So many places. Like I had different safe deposit boxes under my brother's name.

I had cash in my parents attic. I had different storage spaces, right? Warehouse space where I would just put a bunch of furniture and like dump some cash in there. Yeah. Okay. My mom actually, this is how difficult my mother accidentally threw away like $40,000 in drug money. No.

Check it out. Check it out. Yeah. So I was stashed at about 40 grand, wrapped up, all banded up, put plastic over it and I was getting ready to move it and I was over at her house while she was gone. So I just put it in a trash bag and like stashed it under her sink and I was like, okay, I'll literally be back tomorrow. I just got to think about where to put this.

I'm out of ideas, you know? And I go back the next day and it's gone. And I said, I kind of called downstairs to the kitchen where my mom was. I said, hey mom, did you move anything under your sink? Like did you, did you, there was a trash bag in there. She goes, oh yeah, I threw it in the trash. I was like, well, that's reasonable. And I go, when is garbage day?

She goes, oh, it's today. They already picked it up. I know. The fucking, the GDP of Haiti was fucking being trucked away in a sanitation truck. Dude. Yeah. Yeah. And I go and I was like, mom, that's, I told her what it was.

Yeah. And she was devastated. Like, she's not that much of a square. She was like, honey, I'm so sorry. Also, fuck you for stashing drug money in my house, but I'm so sorry. But they, it sounds like, I mean, where was your father in all of this? He was around. I mean, I got both my parents.

Like they, they, they didn't like what I was doing. They, it, no, they hated it. But at a certain point they were like, they accept, like when they knew I was making that kind of cash, they were like, did you do a little hookup too? Did you go like, here's a little free, like, you know, break off a little bit? I tried to when I went away to prison and they were like offended. They were like offended that I would try to get my drug money. Everybody wants to know that.

Good son. Thank you. When somebody gets caught and, you know, and there's money involved and you have it all these places. Did you at least have the, the feeling of like, well, they didn't find X, Y and Z stash spots. Yeah. You do. Yeah.

Of course. Yeah. Yeah. You're cause, cause when your world is just tumbling down day after day, my lawyer was like, yeah, you got a hundred grand and a safe deposit box you had, another strike, you know what I mean? You're not getting bail. You know, you're like, at least, okay, at least I have this.

Yeah. Like you try to like, you rationalize. When you get out, you're like, well, at least I'll be able to. Yeah. Yeah. They didn't get all of it, but they got a lot. They got a lot. Towards the end.

Yeah. So what was like the, what was the craziest period? Like you're escalating, right? Yeah. Because you're talking about you getting, you got a coke and then bigger bot like weed buys. So the biggest change was speaking in South America. So I was failing out of school.

I was literally, I stopped going to class because my cell phone was ringing so much. Yeah. Especially in the coke days that I'd be losing money. I'd like be in a lecture. Yeah. Yeah. And my fucking bat phone would be ringing and I'm like, I gotta, I gotta go, you know. So it's like, I put myself through school, like I gave myself a degree in business, but

I was failing out of school. So somebody was like, you should go, a buddy of mine was like, you should go study abroad in one of these places, you know. So I went to Argentina and I lived in the city down there and it was great. It was the best time of my life. And you know, funded it all with weed money. And I met this kid who was from New Jersey, you know, he's like a, you know, Italian dude, Guinea, real stupid, you know, you know, you know, they are, you know, come on fucking

box of rocks. Absolutely. Yeah. So it was fucking spaghetti monkey. Yeah. But, but my, one of my closest friends, even to this day, he, you know, I told him what I did back there and he goes, oh yeah, my boys, dude, like they're mob connected that they would fucking love a weed connect from the West Coast.

Oh, I'd be like, that'd be crazy if I could get them my weed. Yeah. And he was like, yeah, it would be crazy. And we kind of thought about it a little more and I was like, well, maybe that was when the light bulb went off. I was like, and what are they paying, what would they pay for a pound? They're like, oh, probably like four grand for, for, yeah, the good outdoor West Coast weed.

Remember, I'm selling it for like 27 or 28. And with, with him, wait, at the time, are you in Argentina with, is he in Argentina? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're just going to school there. I'm sorry. It was like an international school that we all studied.

I was like kids from all over the country, right? And he's from, he's from Northeast, yeah, he's from New Jersey. So, so you see the margins there. Yeah. And I'm like, I could make like $1,500 per pound as profit. So soon I called up my buddy, my, my, my partner and I was like, we're about to get rich. I think, I think something's going to happen. And that was the turning point where we went from making like, you know, five grand a week

to 30, 40 grand a week. So, but after that conversation with him, you got a, I'm assuming that his people now want to, do they want to vet you? They want you to come to Jersey or wherever he. I flew out to Jersey, but they were so juiced. I mean, they, they didn't give a fuck. Like they were like, you get us as much as you can get as fast as you can get it to us. If you're going to get it to us for, they were like, I was like, I'll give it to you

for like 35, 37. They were like sold. And I was like, oh, I could have gotten more. Oh, you could have gotten more. And these are like Italian mob dudes. No, their parents were connected. They're like third generation. So they're all kind of soft, but you know, they're all everybody.

It's a drug infested place in New Jersey, the East Coast. So how much do you start selling to them? So I would, I started out shipping like a pound or two just to like get the system down. How do you ship? So we would take it. We would, we would take a pound, pour it into like a vacuum seal bag, vacuum seal it up and it could take a fluffy pound of marijuana and just shrink it to like the size of a football.

Yeah. And you know, you'd repeat that. Do it twice. I talk about it on my show. I teach people how to ship drugs. Yeah. That's what I do on the connect. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It's for the community. Do it. You ship it one more time and you put it in Styrofoam and, and you just simply, you box it up in FedEx, UPS, USPS, we would, we could get it 10 pounds in a box sometimes. And so you feel it out and then what do you start shipping to them? Yeah. About five to 10 pounds.

I like to keep it at five because we lost a couple of boxes, but I keep it at, I kept it at about five a box and I could ship, you know, for a week easily and easily. Obviously, but when ship, I think shipping has changed in recent years where like you have to put, like now you have to like verify your, your address stuff. Totally. Back then you could put like fake name, fake, right? All of it fake. Yeah.

Back in 2010, yeah. 2008 through 2010, it was literally, you didn't have to show an ID. Yeah. You just walk up there. Now they scan your ID. Yeah. Exactly. And that's because I think it was so rampant.

Yeah. Like 1500 bucks profit per pound and ship 20 a week. Yeah. That's a million dollar business. Yeah. You know, so that I was like, yeah, this is, this is the ticket. Well, did you ever have in all these like, you know, because you're, you're dealing with like obviously criminal people, you ever have a deal or whether it's an acquisition

or cash livery buy sell where you go like, holy shit, this is terrifying. Like, you know, where you're scared of the other person involved or their crew. I was, I started dealing with these Dominicans in Manhattan, Washington Heights. That's where they're all at. They're all in the Washington Heights. Yeah. And it's, that is the wholesale drug hub of the East Coast. Everything's going through there.

That's where the Coke's moving through. If you're a crack dealer in the Bronx, you go up to the Heights to cop wholesale. Same with weed. So when I went over to meet those dudes, I went over, you know, through, through the guys from Jersey, I ended up, you know, getting hooked up with a crew of Dominicans in Washington Heights and I flew out there and I took the train up. I'd never been to New York and I, I met them in the back of a boost mobile store on like 245th and Dijkman.

And that's really when I was like, Oh, I'm, I'm federal now. Yeah. So I think I wasn't so much scared of them as I was scared of like the implications of what was happening. I'm like, I'm with people that like, you know, probably have bodies on them and are selling heroin, wholesale. That's a big no-no I've heard. How was that?

And so it was like... How was the boost mobile meetup? How'd that go? Yeah. It went pretty well. It did? It went pretty well, but it's funny because it's boost. It's such a stereotype.

It's so funny. I know this is silly, but were they friendly? Like were they like... Yes. They were just like, Hi, buddy. How are you doing? They were like, Oh, you know, my cousin Alex, you know, he's a good kid. He's going to Rutgers.

I don't know why he's all of a sudden became, you know, a Mexican guy from East LA. But no, they're very... Oh, no, I take all that on their app. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Exactly. And then... But yeah, they were friendly.

Yeah, they were friendly. And then it's the same kind of as your previous meetups, just like, feel you out. Are we going to do... Like, we can do this. They were like... They were very... They were like, Listen, we control this entire four block stretch. We have agreements with everybody that owns like legitimate businesses from like the nail

salon to the beauty shop to the guy that owns the, you know, Papa's Frita's place. And what you can ship, we can use all these different addresses to send product. Oh my God. Yeah. And they were like, you'll always have your money when you want it. But you know, we can find you, you know. Just letting you know. Exactly.

Yeah. And it wasn't big and ominous. They were like, you know, we just... If we show you respect, you know, we deserve it back. Yeah. So it was that kind of thing. And I was like... But I enjoyed that.

Yeah. I actually enjoyed that because I'm like, these are fucking businessmen. Yeah. Because I wasn't planning on ever on ripping anybody off. Sure. You know? So... But just the implications of that, I was like, yeah, this is maybe...

I should probably fall back because now it's getting wild. There's so much drugs and money moving through the system. And you're selling... What are you selling at this time now? Cocaine. No, there's no Coke. This is all weed. Okay.

Yeah. These... These quantities are growing. Yeah, exactly. I could never get them enough. They would have it sold before I even got them. Wow. Yeah.

So Washington Heights went from cocaine in the 80s. They were the Colombians' main distributor wholesale. Then those kingpins got knocked off or they went back to the island and got deported. It was their kids and they became like the weed kingpins. Got you. So they were like, we'll have it sold. Literally, you could get us a hundred pounds in a day. It's all gone.

It's all accounted for. God damn. I was like, yes. You were stoked. I was like, this is fucking awesome. Yeah. It's amazing. So what gets you eventually pinched?

How do you get... Yeah, it was... So in 2009, we had one of our stash houses raided by the cops in Portland. We... I got arrested. They found about five pounds and a couple thousand dollars in cash. The stash house. Yeah.

Yeah. Because I was there. I was there. We had had a buyer, a guy we were given wholesale drugs to. He got caught. He wore a wire. No. Yeah.

They... And it was just a real open and closed case. They raided the spot. It wasn't tactical stuff. It wasn't a SWAT team. Yeah. It was just unmarked guys that looked like Tom. Yeah.

So here's the thing. I feel like I never would have been able to pursue this dream because I have such cop face. Such cop face, dude. Yeah. Every time I've done an illicit thing in my... Yeah. Even as a kid, people would be like, yeah, exactly.

Yeah. You're a cop, right? Yeah. No, I just went drug. Are we gonna hunt? Yeah. You could never try to buy beer from a homeless guy at 7-Eleven. No, they all are like...

They're like this. Yeah. Just take me. Just take me, dude. Yeah. But you, Johnny Mitchell, you got that face of an angel. You would never think so. Yeah.

I'm like... I look like I'm there to represent a drug dealer. Like I'm a lawyer. Yeah. I'm there to represent. And I have DEA energy. Yeah. Exactly.

So, hold on. So what are you taking a nap? How do you... No, no. I was on my way back from golfing. No shit. My grandfather. Really?

Talk about that, dude. How fucked up is that? Yeah. I dropped my grandfather off. At least you dropped him off. Yeah. I dropped him off at my parents' house and I was like, okay, I'll be back for dinner. And so I'm in the red Acura and I'm pulling up to the house, the stash house.

By the way, the stash house is not just like some abandoned building. I have good friends living there. Not involved in the business. And as soon as I turn the corner to drive up to the house, I just see Tim and Pat. Hey, sorry about this, guys. And they're in handcuffs being let out of the house. You see this. Fuck.

And you're... These poor guys... Have you parked yet? Have you parked? No, I haven't parked. I'm in the reverse. So I floored it and I almost got out of sight, but then I see, I hear somebody scream, that's him.

Oh, shit. And so I took him on just a very tiny little high speed pursuit, but I gave up very quickly. Okay? Yeah. Damn. They could see who they were dealing with. They weren't dealing with some sketchy cartel guy. They were like, cops are...

Nice kid. Yeah, he's a nice kid. Yeah. This guy's a pussy. He's not carrying. We know he's not going to try to kill us. Can I ask you, sorry, I said before we get into the capture, where would you have gone?

Had you gotten away? I'd say, how would you have gotten away? Yeah, no, no, no. There's no... No, it's fight or flight. It's instinct. It's instinct. Yeah.

I would have went and got cash and then I would have... Go to South America or Latin America. I'm serious. Exactly. Sounds like a dream. Probably. Right? Like, I don't know what I would have done.

I just needed to get away to think about that, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But hold on to your hats, because this is just the beginning of the trouble. So five pounds in 2009. I had a spotless record, no criminal record, didn't have a bunch of cash on me. They're like, okay, this guy is like a stupid kid, fresh out of college. He got caught. He was a mid-level drug dealer, because immediately we're like, just give us all your people,

tell us who you're buying from. Dude, you won't even have a misdemeanor. Yeah. And I was like, oh, I cannot do that. I cannot give you these guys, because again, I didn't know if they knew where I live, but I'm like, I can't give you my people, respectfully, you know what I mean? And they were like, okay, that's fine, but you know, you're going to get a, this is a felony amount.

Yeah. You know what I mean? And then you might do some jail time. And I said, look, just, just, you know, write me my summons and let me go have dinner with my grandfather. You know what I mean? And they let me do that. They were cool.

They took everything. They ransacked the house, but it's like, that's white privilege, obviously, right? So but, you know, I got a good lawyer. And you actually went and had dinner. Yeah. I wouldn't have dinner. Were you shitting bullets the whole time? I was just like, I was numb.

I was like, my life's a lie. My fucking poor grandfather's dying and I'm fucking getting raided and arrested and running around. Like before you get, one thing I wanted to ask is that everybody who always like comes from a normal upbringing, I'd say, and then comes into like real money, they end up buying some shit, right? It raises eyebrows, but you mentioned you're dry. You're still driving the red accurate.

Still driving the, the bucket, we call it, like, you know, did you ever go overboard on something? You're like, oh, shit. No, no. I didn't. I never cared about material things. I ate out. I ate the best meals.

Yeah. I traveled everywhere. But you didn't acquire things. No, I didn't acquire things. Yeah. I just like freedom. Interesting because what you said in the very beginning is that when you did this in high school, he didn't turn a profit.

You didn't turn a profit, you said for the first four years, like it was really for the love of the game. It was. It was for the love of the game. And then like all this money, I'm just like, I can be up and out. Yeah. Like I didn't, but I knew how hard it was to make it. So I'm like, I'm certainly not going to burn it.

And I knew, I knew this, I couldn't do it forever either. So my goal was truly the drug dealers dream, the gangster fantasy, like the way the Kennedys did it, right? Their dad was a bootlegger and their kids went legit. I was like, wow, I can really, if I'm smart with this, I can make millions and get out. And that's, you know, what almost nobody is able to achieve. But a lot of people actually do and you never hear about them because they're not making shows on YouTube, you know?

But so look, so I, you have your dinner and then I had my dinner and then life just goes on. I got to get a lawyer. I'm summoned to go down to court. And again, the detectives are there and they're like, they're like, we can, we can make this go away. You'll get a misdemeanor, but then community service, you'll work it off. And what are you telling your lawyer?

You're just telling him like, there's no way I'm giving anybody up. Yeah. The lawyer's probably like, take this, right? No, he was like a scumbag drug lawyer. Oh, okay. We call him the fat man. He's got no fingers on one hand. I don't know how the other one went missing, but I'm like, this guy is, but he was obese

and I'm like, this motherfucker's got to be winning a lot of cases. I mean, like, I know it sounds funny, but it's true, right? So it's like he, I was just like, I'm not going to cooperate because I had just met my guys on the East coast. I knew my business was about to take off 10X. So I was like, I can't quit now. So I just pled guilty. I did a couple of weekends in jail.

I got like the, like the college kid special, whether you're going to go to jail for a couple of weekends, you're going to do community service, you will have a felony, you'll be on probation, you know, got to take a piss test. But so pot was already becoming like that. Like it wasn't like a mandatory minimum. If I got caught in Texas five pounds back then, I'd probably do some time, right? So I kind of got a slap on the wrist, but my lawyer was like, now you should fall back. Like you could get this expunged, you could live a normal life because just one, just one

drug felony. This happens all the time. Yeah. I was like, I was like, yeah, no, I can't do that. But are you nuts? Yeah. Don't bring that up. I'll probably need you again.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Sure. So, and that's when the business exploded. So it did explode. Exploded after that. Did your connects find out that you'd gotten arrested and like did a rat and all that? No, I never, they didn't find out.

They didn't find out. I just, I just kept the push. So how do you get caught this? So things explode, like business goes great. Oh, and we found the guy that ratted outside of a bar and we beat him up. Good. I mean, we didn't like stop him out, but we, we, we, he got a good beating though. Yeah.

Yeah. Sorry. It was like, I'm sorry. No, he was good and drunk. He tried to fight back and he just couldn't, you know, yeah. So how long between these, you know, you're on probation, business booms, how long does it boom for before you get? Yeah.

It was about, it was about a year and a half. Oh, that's a good. Maybe like 20 months. Good run. Yeah. Yeah. It gave me so much money, you know, but every time I would hit like a number, like, okay, I'm like a quarter million.

Oh, so it's, it's got such a nice ring to it and I'm like, this happened too fast. I got to make a million. And I got to a million and I'm like, let's go for two, then I can put one away and then invest the other one. You know what I mean? So it's that classic thing where it's like, feels good. Right. Yeah.

Right. It's like an early investor in this thing you got going on. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. So, but you know, so, so the point is when I got caught the second time when they raided the house and they had found all that cash, but no drugs, I already had a felony. I was already on probation.

So even if I beat that charge, I was going to get my probation revoked and I would have had to go do time anyways. Yeah. You know what I mean? So excited. Three year tail, we called it. That's a real criminal term. Yeah.

For sure. For sure. Yeah. So sorry. They rage your house for cash. Yes. So how does that happen? What's the tip off?

Got it. So the Dominicans were rock solid. These are professional drug dealers and brown people, black people, people of color. I know this is a family friend, family share. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Yeah.

Pardon my privilege. POCs are the best drug dealers. Yeah. Because they have to be. They have to be. They know how easy it is for them to get arrested. They're profiled all the time. Like.

So they're solid. They're solid. Yeah. Like we really didn't think at a point at all about police. Yeah. Like white guy, we really, we were only worried about the Jack boys. We thought the only way we can get caught is if we're speeding down the highway on our way back north from, you know, southern Oregon and we get pulled over and, you know, they

just get lucky. It's an accident. But you know, Dominicans are like, yeah, no law enforcement's actively looking for guys like us. All the time. And they act accordingly, you know. But you know, these guys I was dealing with, these kids from Philly, from South Jersey, they were just, I would open up packages, UPS packages and, you know, 50 grand would

just fall out of the package and it would wreak. It smelled like they were smoking blunts and blowing it all over the money. Like they were starting to get sloppy. Sloppy. And I was like, guys, you got to package my money like I package your dope, you know. Yeah. And I think probably what happened, I didn't find out exactly in the discovery paperwork because cops lied in it.

They do. They omit stuff all the time. Probably a dog in like a sorting facility, a drug sniffing dog smelled that package of money and they put a little tracking device in it and they followed that all the way back to Oregon. Damn. And they alerted, you know, the people at FedEx in Oregon. And then what?

You go pick it up? And they sent it to one of the places where I would pick it up from and they started following me. They started, they followed me back to, to my place where I kept the cash. Yeah. So then you get, is that a full raid when you get discovered there? That was again, that was the undercovers. Those were the detectives.

Same guys or no? One of them was from the early bust. Yeah. Dude. Oh, shit. Dude. No, he was like disappointed. Oh, he was?

He was like again, he was like, he was like again, but good job. He saw all the cash in there. He's like, wow, you really fucking, you really made some of yourself, kiddo. Good job. Yeah. Yeah. And then he put his knee in my back. Yeah.

But, but yeah. No, again, it was just the undercovers and, you know, they, they were like, look, we're going to get a warrant for this house. They didn't even have a warrant to search the house. They pulled my car over as I was, I upgraded from the act. Oh, good. I was going to ask. Finally.

Yeah. Enjoy your money. I had a charger. That was a hot car. That was a hot car in 2010. Yeah. It was fucking bad. It's also the NFL first season rookies.

They all get a nice check. So they pulled me over that, you know, they found that package of money and another package of money. So it was like 40,000, maybe 50 grand in cash. And they were like, look, we've, we've traced this to your residence. We know this is it. We're going to get a warrant. If you make us get a warrant, we're going to come back and smash this fucking place

up. And it was like a nice house and like a cool hipster part of Portland, nice neighbors, you know, smile and wave. I was living a double life and I like the owner a lot and I was like, I don't want you to fuck the house up. I was like, I'll just show you where it is. I'll just show you where I'll just let you in and then I'll let you find whatever you find.

Yeah. So yeah. So then they found another, yeah, about 350 in my safe and, you know, 350. That's a lot. Yeah. Yeah. They found about 50 on me and then about 350. But again, I was, I wouldn't keep 350 on me all the time.

I moved it, but I would, that was just the place where I kept it and then could piece me all it out into other locations. So interesting though that there aren't like in this one, it's a lot of cash, but no drugs. No drugs because I never kept the drugs smart to my credit. Yeah. I just kept it out of stash away from the money. What the government has at that point is a case of like, there's a reason you have all this cash.

Yeah. It's essentially the case. Yeah. Tax evasion, right? Exactly. It's conspiracy and it's money laundering. Yeah. You know, tax evasion is federal.

These weren't the feds. Yeah. The DEA eventually showed up. Yeah. But guys really look like me. Yeah. Absolutely, bro. Absolutely, bro.

And they're fucking not playing. No. They're not playing. So, but, but these were just local pigs. So we're up in the house and it's just three of us at the time. No, it's three cops and me and I'm like, obviously what comes next is I try to bribe. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah. What do I look like? Yeah. You know what I mean? An asshole? Yeah. I'm a good host. Yeah.

Yeah. I see what you guys drive. You see what I got. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Right? I would have tried to.

Yeah. I would have tried to. Yeah. Yeah. Don't you want a fishing boat? Yeah. You losers. Yeah.

And these motherfuckers didn't go for it. And they charged me with bribery, too. Stop. Yeah. They tossed it, though. They tossed it because it's their word versus mine. They're like, I knew we were going to beat it, but they threw that on there. Did they?

I'm like, you guys are such fucking dorks. Did you ever get talked to by either the locals or the DEA, like, did they ever get like, hey, fuck it. Like, do they get real aggressive? Yeah. Yeah. One of them threatened to knock my teeth out after I bribed him. Yeah.

What? One of those cops did? Yeah. And they take it, they take it as like, back in the day, that was honestly business as usual. Right. Like crack dealers in Brooklyn or wherever, they would get pulled over by the undercovers and the undercovers would be like, don't look at me.

And we know this because we've interviewed these guys. Yeah. And they'd be like, don't look up. Keep your head down. 10,000 a week. Wow. Yeah. It's negotiations.

Yeah. It's one hand watches the other because they know they're not going to stop drug dealing. Right. So, why do the new cops look at it, I think, or a lot of, and these are West Coast cops, the East Coast, right? That entrenched corruption, Irish guys, Italian guys, we might have more action, you know? It's in the blood, man. It's in the blood.

Yeah. Yeah. It's generational. Totally. Yeah. So, but, you know, on the West Coast, it's just a little more square. So, I think these new cops, they take pride in not being dirty. And it was really like a big fuck you that I could even think I could buy them off, you

know? So, did they use, like, ridiculous? I'll just answer your question. You don't have to raise your hand if you don't want to, but I love the respect. Yeah. I want to know. I hope you show him this kind of respect. Never.

Never. So, these guys, these officers, it sounds like they're throwing swag around. Are they, do they talk to you, like, in the movies or like, come on, kid, show us your hide and spots before we break your nose? Like, is it? No. No. Well, he did threaten me from my teeth in the 1930s.

Yeah. But you know what I mean? Like, he said he threatened to break his teeth. Yeah. Like, that was the young guy. The older guys are like, try to be your uncle. Yeah. They're like, did you know what it is?

Like, you tell on them before they tell on you. Like, let's make it happen. Do you hire the missing thumb again, the fat man, to be your lord? Oh, yeah, yeah. Gorsky. Shout out to Gorsky. Shout out to Gorsky. He's probably dead now.

But it's a free plug. Did you entertain a not-guilty plea this time or a different defense or just straight to guilty again? Like, like. Oh, yeah. I wanted to fight it. I wanted to fight it. I wanted to fight it.

You know, we, we did fight it in many ways because they wanted to give me, you know, originally they charged. So the Fed showed up. They did. The DEA showed up and I was just tight lipped. I was like, I, guys, I'm just not giving you anything. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And then I, and then it was black from there for a while because you got it. The adrenaline's pumping so hard. It's like the first time bombing on stage, like your, your, your mouth goes completely dry. Yeah. Your, your, your survival instinct. Trouble. Yeah.

And that basically came to in the back of a squad car and they were just taking me down to jail. Like really, like, remember the first time I got arrested, they let me go home. I'm in the back of the cruiser. It's on now. So they originally charged me. They, they, they were like determined. They were like, this kid is working for the cartels.

He's probably selling Coke. Look at all the money we got. You know what I mean? Yeah. They were like, ooh, they were salivating. They're like, this guy is going to lead us to like some big time cartel busts. And the reality is I wasn't working for the cartels. They were just a supplier.

Yeah. They were one of my suppliers. You know what I mean? So they originally threw like federal money laundering at me and, um, and they just kept me in jail. They denied me bail. They denied me bail. Murders get a chance to bail out.

I had the bail bail money ready and they were like, this guy's a flight risk. You know what I mean? We've, we know he's called, made calls to South America. We know, uh, look at all the cash he has you're on or this guy's going to be gone. Well, that's what I was going to ask you. At this point, I mean, I would have maybe fucking take off. Well, that's, that's what I offered the cops. I was like, listen, take this money.

Nobody's here right now. Your superior is like, you're, you're not even lieutenants, right? Like nobody knows about this. Take the money and just said, I booked it. Like I got away and then I had some money hidden that they hadn't found. I was going to take that. And I don't know what I was going to do. I was going to go to Canada, maybe I was going to, because I have a Canadian passport.

Oh, sweet. Yeah. Uh, or go South, like who, who knows? But I was like, you know what I mean? Just give me a day. Yeah. That's so, that was kind of my thinking was like, okay, I'll just bail out and then we'll take it from there.

And you know what? My father, my fucking, to his credit, you know, my father, who is a lawyer, who a shitty one, right? Look at this fucking, couldn't even keep his kid out. I'm like, I'm like, I hope you don't have any death row inmates. Prepare your last meal, buddy. Uh, so, but he, he was like, he was like, you know, he was like, you know, he was like, he could, he had, he told me after I got out of prison, he was like, you know, we were

considering if you could have bailed out, we would have had you go live with your, your aunt and uncle in Canada. Really? I was like, wild. That is the, that is what a parent will do for their child. I wonder how they get you in like, well, that's the whole thing is they would, I'm like, are you going to put me like in the trunk of a car or they would drive me through, obviously, right?

Yeah. Um, or, or if you're paroled out, I don't know, maybe you just fly in. If there's no, if nobody's, if you're not on like a, uh, an inner pole, like flashes red, can't go through airports, arrest this guy anywhere he is, I might have been able to fly in with my, with my passport. Who knows? But I thought that was interesting. That was, yeah.

But that's what I would have done to answer your question. What kind of law does your dad practice? It was just like, it was like an ambulance chaser. And your mother was a lawyer, or she, she went to law school to do practice. Yeah. They met in law school, but she never ended up practicing. She went into the medical field. But how ironic that their son gets his kicks breaking the law.

I know. I know. And that fucking guy. So wait, so, so cool. What the fuck? Now do you go, you go to trial or no? No. So, so we're in jail and, and jail is so brutal that it's, they use it, the government uses

it as leverage. Yeah. They're like, leave this fucking skinny kid in there for a week and he's going to be telling us every, he's going to be working for us, you know, because it's so terrible. And, uh, and it was, it was, it was horrible. It was brutal. Yeah. It was harder than prison time by far, by far, you know, and, and there were dudes getting

stabbed at the prison I was at. Right. Yeah. So, uh, and jail is also like a place, right? Because like, if you don't go, I mean, a, jail is usually a deterrent for most of us, right? You're like, man, I just don't want to do anything. It ends me up, like, you get, you get the idea that jail is terrible, but then like,

you really have, I assume, like a real, a new appreciation for like what a tough guy is for sure, right? And like, when somebody. When you learn respect too, really quick, you know what I mean? Was it racially divided like in a lot of jails? In Oregon, not as much because there's just majority white, it's like 50% white and then everything other. So there's a lot of mixing, but in, in prison, the maximum security prison I was at, it was,

it was pretty solidly racially divided. Yeah. So jail though, for you, was it, I mean, you hadn't really spent time in jail before this. Yeah. Exactly. So are you, you're just learning, like, does somebody go teach you the ropes or you just figuring stuff out on your own? Yeah.

Immediately when I got to the cell block, right, they put you in like a holding tank with everybody, right? I, you know, saw a guy get beat up with like a phone, like the receiver of a pay phone, you know, he deserved it though. He was acting, he was like on PCP, he was acting crazy. Yeah. You know what I mean? I was self-defense move for sure.

We always talk about PCP. And so I hit the, you know, they strip you, strip search. Yeah. I was like, like, I couldn't believe it was happening. Yeah. Like he was like, take your clothes off. Yeah. Bend over.

Did you have to spread your cheeks? And he was like, I was like, not the underwear too. He goes, oh yeah. Squat. Yeah. So I had to spread the cheeks. Did that hundreds of times. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Jesus. Brutal. Worst part about prison by far. Is spreading. Yeah. And you have to do that a lot once you're in prison. Dude, yeah.

You're, especially like if you, like I worked in the kitchen. You go in and out. In and out. Yeah. In and out where you could smuggle out a weapon is, is you're just randomly going to get pulled. I didn't get strip searched as much because I wasn't gang affiliated, but I got strip searched enough and it was like, and you know, the guys talking, you get to know each other so well.

The guys like, I'm asking how his kids are. Yeah. I'm lifting up my nuts. Yeah. You know, like, how is your daughter's recital? You know what I mean? Jesus Christ. That kind of shit.

What's the most terrifying part of, is it just that you're always like at a heightened sense of like, what's about, you know, you immediately have to fight, you know? So especially in a place like Portland, it's a big city, it's, it's, and it's gang banging in prison. So they were like, you have to fade immediately or else you have to go into protective custody. You have to hang out with, you know, terrible child molesters and, and snitches and things like that. Could you fight when you, when you're real?

Like, were you a fighter? Yeah. Like I've been in enough street fights and I've drunken brawls where I was like, you know, this, this is only going to last a minute, right? How long does the street fight really last? So the way we, they set it up like schoolyard fights. They're like, I'm going to fight you where the cameras aren't, like in the bathroom. And do you know who you're going to fight?

I found out who I was going to fight. They kind of pair you up. They're like, you two are new. Who's the one setting these fights? Like, like the, the shock callers, the guys that have been in jail for a while or the guys that have stripes, you know, and we just know who they are and every gang has one. And so I'm with, it was me and this guy, his name is Cam, and he was just like a skinhead, you know, had a swastika on his, I don't know if it was a swastika, it was like a white

power. Oh, so we can tell you or Cam's who you're going to fight. No, they were like, you're both going to fight. You and Cam. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, I'd rather not. I think I was like, I'd rather not.

And then he punked me out. Then he went and he snatched, we're eating breakfast and he went and snatched like a cinnamon roll off of my tray. And they were like, now everybody's spun around like I'm the new kid in class and everybody's looking at me. And the two guys that I'm sitting with at the table, they were like, oh man, you're going to have to go handle that. And they take their trays and they get up and they walk away because I can't, they can't

be associated with a bitch. Yeah. You know what I mean? And this is because someone said you're going to fight Cam and you're like, oh, I'd rather, because you're like, this is not something I want to do. Yeah. You don't realize that you have to do this. Exactly.

Exactly. I'm like, this is crazy, you guys. Like we were all fighting our cases. Can't we just get along? Yeah. You know? Yeah. First try to make jail the best experience it can be.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, and a cinnamon roll is the ultimate disrespect because that sounds like the best item. It's the only edible thing on that tray. It's dessert. Dude. And so do you put together then that like, oh, I am going to fight Cam?

I'm like, oh, this is happening. So I was, and I was in rage too. I was so fired up then I was like, yeah, let's fucking, let's fight. So we, we went and just faded. And that's, and when they do that, fade, fade is like for fight, you know, stand up, fade is like a fair fight. Yeah. And so, and they just do that because they don't want people that don't have heart

on the main line. So, you know, general population. I got him. I hit him as hard as I could. No, he got me ultimately, but I got him with the hard right. You know, I'm a big, I'm skinny, but I'm sick sick. So I hit him as hard as I could with my right. I wrap my knuckles in toilet paper because I didn't want to break my hand.

And I just, you know, I hit him as hard as I could in the face. Yeah. And he kind of stumbles back and then he went at me and he's, he's stocky. This guy's like prison hard. You know, he had a swastika tattooed on his back. Yeah. And I was like, oh my God, he's gone, you know, um, but, but I stayed on my feet and then the guard broke it up, you know, 30 seconds later.

Does he give you respect at like handshake? Yeah. We were served time in the same penitentiary. He followed. We followed each other through the system. Oh, nice. Kind of makes you want to get a swastika tattoo also. Yeah.

I was like, oh my God. Twinsies. Yeah. Cam. Did you in Cam? He was Adolf and I was Heinrich, you know. Did you ever like, bro, like talk to Cam as a human ever after like, what's up dude? Like, yeah, cause he always had a problem with me, like playing basketball with the

black guys and playing dominoes and he's like, I need a challenge, bro. I'm like, oh, I'm going to play basketball with the white guys. You want me to play pre-integration basketball? You losers. Bro, that pissed me off so much. Yeah. He would come out. He'd be like, bro, I saw you playing with the blacks.

No, he would be like, dude, these, the white gangs I'm running with want to stab you. Oh my God. They want to fuck you up. Because you're just playing ball. Exactly. You're like, I love basketball, dude. I'm like, this is crazy.

And that was my attitude. Yeah. I'm like, just, I'm just a, I'm just a nice guy. Like let's, I have my respect. I'm a, I got good paperwork, means I have a good crime. Could you have sat down? Like let me. Could you have sat down with like the head of like the, the skin has been like, look

man, I love basketball and let's, let's be real here. These blacks are fucking great basketball players. I really just want to work on my game. Is it cool? They're, they're great. Even in here. Yeah. They just let me play ball.

Is it cool? Can I? I, I don't think that would have worked. Really? He'd been like, because I talked with a couple of those guys. I'm like, you're, you're stupid. You're being fucking stupid. Like why do we have to act like animals?

You would say this? Yes. I'd be like, why? And I would get all like Frederick Nietzsche on them. I'd be like, man is just a sum of his choices, you guys. We can choose to act like savages or we can be civilized. Yeah. And they would ask about and they'd be like, and they would respond like this, like, dude,

we hear you. Yeah. But this is like an adult prison. Yeah. And like these are the rules. This is the way it is. And how would the black guys respond to you? Black guys recruited me.

They were like, oh, you ball? Yeah. Like get in here. You're six, six, get in here. Yeah. Yeah. Get in here or be mouth fucked. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Like they got me into it. I'm like, I'm like, dude, you're getting me a level. It wasn't a soft recruit. So I'm getting pushed. No, it was not. It was not.

You're playing ball. I don't like that. Yeah. So I'm getting pulled, pushed and pulled in both directions. Wait, the black dudes are like, you're fucking playing ball? The first day they were like, oh, we got him. Dirk. Yeah, you're tall, Linky.

They called me Dirk because Dirk Davitsky was the hot player in 2011 when I was down. And they go, oh, he played like Dirk. So they made you play. Hey, yo, Dirk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then the white power guys were like, you can't play with the black guys.

But being because, but I was lights out. I really was. I was lights out behind the three point line. So you were draining. Yeah, I was draining shit. So I think by the black guys bringing me in, that gave me like a level of respect to where it did still piss the white guys off, but the black dudes are like, we need them healthy for the playoffs.

Did you? You know what I mean? Did you have, would there, would conversations with the black guys kind of evolve into like friendly normal? Or was it always just this basketball business? No, a few of them like. We were like fast friends. You were.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it was like, a lot of them were like, dude, when are you getting out? Cause I need a weed guy. I need to connect. You know what I mean? So I absolutely.

It's the best place to make connections. Oh, I bet. It was a great networking opportunity. And how long were you in that horrible place? I was in that prison for nine months. And then I, I, by the skin of my nuts, I got out and they shipped me to a minimum security. Oh, thank God. Yeah.

And that's a whole different. Yeah. Yeah. It was like barely. Yeah. On the Oregon coast. And I got out, I got to that prison. So traumatized.

Yeah. I was like, who the fuck do I have to fight? I was the first thing I said, you know what I mean? And I was, and I was mean mugging people. I was, and they were like, relax, dude. Yeah. We're all in here for DUIs. Yeah.

Oh, thank God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. It took you a minute to calm down then. Yeah. I had to calm down though because it was so like, I had to like take, it was hard.

Transfer is actually horrible. It is. It's just going to be the same worst like this. I got to like. Just having to meet new people. Yeah. Of course. Oh my God.

And how long were you in the maximum security for? Nine months. Yeah. And how long in jail before that? I was in jail for six, almost seven months fighting my case. Oh my God. So, so, so to go back to jail, the feds, dude, I'm telling you every three days for the first month, Mitchell, you got a visitor and I go down and it's the cops.

It's one of the DEA guys. They're like, are you ready? And I'm like, no, because my, I'm like, I know, no, I'm not, I'm not telling because I have my lawyer, Gorski, he was like, look, they are going to, the reason they're asking you all these questions is because they don't really have any evidence. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

So like just keep your mouth shut, right? Just don't say it. Like they want to give you, they're threatening you with all these years. Just like just clam up and the longer we hold out, the more apt the state or the government is to say, okay, let's just make a deal because he's got to go do some time. We have to get our statistics, our numbers, but, you know, we don't want to ultimately what happened, right? Cause you correct.

You have to do that much time. So the feds dropped the case because they, and they gave it back to the state cause they're like, there's not enough here. Yeah. You know what I mean? But back to the white power gangs. Sure. Sure.

I'm fascinated. How did you, so did you have to, did you have to join a gang to be protected or how do they not recruit you? No, no, because I was celled up with a guy named Jimmy who was the shot caller for the Hell's Angels. That's a big popular biker game in the West Coast. Yeah. Huge fans.

Absolutely. Good guys. I guarantee you there's guys on their smartphones in prison today watching you, watching this. Hi Hell's Angels. Yeah. Hey guys. Hey Cam. How's it going?

Hey. Big fan. Oh, he's OD'd already. Oh yes. Probably. So I was celled up with a guy, I was celled up with a guy named Jimmy who, so Jimmy's a shot caller for the Hell's Angels, which is a gang, essentially a white gang. Yeah, exactly.

It's a white gang and he was the guy that kind of like made sure I wasn't touched. The black guys helped, right? And plus I had some juice, like I had a good crime called, that's how they refer to things. Does he have good paperwork? Yeah. And so I had a, I was a big time drug dealer. They're like, that's pretty cool. And then the state.

Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. It is cool.

It does. It is cool. It's still cool. It kind of is. I mean, I think you're cool. And you don't see a lot of people in state prison with high level drug crimes like I had. So I think it was like an amalgamation of all of that. And Jimmy was like, he was like, dude, it's wild that you're in here.

Like you really fucked up, but like just keep your head down. I'm going to make sure you, you know, get out of here at least. I don't know if you're going to get a good time. Really? Why did he take you? Why did he take you? Why did he take me? Because I don't know.

I think he'd been in there 30, 25 years already. He was doing life. And a lot of those lifers, they gang bang their first, you know, half of their stretches. And then they realize they lose their appeals. They're fine. They know they're going to die in there. So they have spiritual transformations. Yeah.

Yeah. A lot of them. And you were respectful to him, obviously. Of course. And also I helped him smuggle a couple of drug balloons. I did do that. There you go. Okay.

I did do that. And then they found out. Hold on. No, no, no, no, no. Don't you move on. It's just how do you smuggle drug balloons in the prison? Come on, Christina. How do you think?

Johnny, in your cool-o? But how do you get past the coffin spray? In my chocha. In my pussy. Yeah. How did your pussy give it up? Yeah. I had to wet it up, dude.

Yeah. You got it real up. No, no, no. I would. It's like the small drug balloons, maybe like that size. They pack so much weed into it. And then you just keep the, you know, the end, the balloon end, you keep it sticking out like a tampon so you can, you can pull it out.

But how do you not get it discovered in search? Well, I, again, remember, I'm not a gangbanger, so I have a strip search less than... But you're rolling the dice on, am I going to get pulled right now, right, on a balloon? Well, Jimmy would tell me when to go, because Jimmy was paying off a couple of guards. So he'd be like, today's the day you're going to bring this down to the kitchen. So I'd bring it down to the kitchen, pull it out, and I would just leave it for somebody else who would take it to a different cell walk, like a different wing. Gotcha.

And I, I didn't ask what was in it. He told me weed once, but I'm sure it was meth. I know it was meth in my asshole. Yeah. You know what I mean? Are you, are you nervous? Are you like... Can't wait to have kids tell them my story, you know?

Meth reminds me of this right here. If you've had any kind of erectile disorder problems, I'm here to tell you, forget about vagra, forget about salads, forget about dick and plants and all that stuff. So I don't know if you believe me or not, but if you like to see me smoke some meth with a small limp dick, then get harder and harder the way, and watch you eat harder and harder the more I smoke, the harder my dick gets. Jesus Christ. Your dick head becomes so sensitive that you don't need to, you don't need spit.

You just stroke that dick head, it's up and down four times, just about to do it, and you'll shoot an enormous amount of very thick, thick, hot white cum. My brother didn't believe me, but when he smoked with me, he put out his dick, I can't believe how big his dick was. He jacked off in four strokes and shot the most cum he'd ever shot in his life. Isn't that cool? Thanks, Jimmy. Appreciate it.

This guy's like a fertility doctor. I can't get my wife pregnant, this is how you're thinking up your lungs. So yeah, he gave you meth, right? Yeah, it had to be, because most of the weed at my prison was smuggled in by black guys. The black guys, dude, it's like college, they're getting high three times a day. How? How are they getting? I want to have fun too, you know what I mean?

It was there, their baby mamas would get it in mostly through the visiting room, but exactly, but the white guys and the Mexicans, but especially the whites, they had guards in pocket bringing it in for them, because I was at a place way out in the middle of nowhere, eastern Oregon, desolate, you know, and the people working at those prisons are white dudes who are their friends with these guys. So it's not a stretch, dude, Jimmy had tobacco brought in, he had meth brought in. I mean, he had cell phones brought in, right? Like it was, he had juice.

So I think that's the way I avoided getting. Did Jimmy ever give you the, what are you doing with the basketball shit with the black guys? He did, but he was like, yeah, he was like, you know, a lot, it was a matter of fact. He was like, you know, a lot of people don't like that. He was like, why are you, he was like, your generation seems to like integrate more, yeah. And I'm like, yeah. And you go like, I just like basketball?

I'd be like, yeah, it's a different time. I mean, there are people, you know, and that blew his mind, you know, he was like, wow. And he was like, times are a change. I've been here 30 years, man. Yeah. Exactly. Um, but he, you know, I think he probably had to sit down with somebody from like the Aryan Brotherhood, the other white gang, it was like, yeah, this kid gets a pass.

Like we don't touch him. Cause you have good paperwork and you're not going to, you weren't there that long. Exactly. You weren't a lifer and you weren't a pedo. Exactly. So I think that helped too. Cause I, I, you know, a lot of those dudes gave me at the, like when I was rolling up to leave, a lot of those fucking white dudes that wanted to fight me and stab me, they

were like, fucking put us in your script when you go to Hollywood. I love it. I was like, okay, like I had some respect here. How were the Mexican guys? They were, I mean, good people, good dudes, but they were also the most violent. So they, they caused riots. They, a few of them got carved up stat there. They're gang banging in there.

Yeah. You know what I mean? You've always been gang banging and up to scorching, huh? Fuck it. We got the enemy guys right there homie. Let me represent myself homie. Do you know these guys? From the GDOP3 they got homie, Somberi gang homie. Fucking Weiner from West Sarmino power gang homie. Still Porosurrenios putting it down homie. In Middle East, homie in Syria. Still gang bangin. I'll give it a fuck homie. Not homie. Check this out. The Porosurthresia homie. Still gang bangin. This shit homie. Got the GDOP homie.

Go homie. Check out the enemy guys right there homie. In Syria. We don't give a fuck. We don't give a fuck. So that guy's from LA probably. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? This is definitely LA like cadence. Totally. So those Armenians a lot of, they probably are strong enough to have their own gang, but a lot of those they call them the others. Yeah. A lot of those Middle Eastern dudes will just click up with Mexicans. Yeah, you know what I mean? But also like even like from just like a quick, like people look, they look similar. Totally. With the shanked head. You can pass. They can pass homie. Caponi. Mr. Kribner from Silver Lake. Yeah. Caponi from Cyclones. Crazy local from Pasadena. What's up dawg? Hey. Ice house?

Hey. 66. It's all the small girls. How are you about those? Let's put this shit down to all these motherfuckers. Okay. Let me down, bro. Hey. They don't know how to hold those at all. Look at that shit. They've never hit anything dude.

What's up dawg? Post this shit up homie. Tell the homies in fucking Middle East homie. Still gang banging homie. Putting that shit down for a big sur tres again. It's Syria homie. We're in Syria homie. You gotta really love the life. Subscribe to my Patreon homie. Can I ask you about food snacks? We've had Danny Brown.

I loved his stories about cooking and making treats. Was there a special prison treat that you enjoyed? Well, the spread. Did he talk about making spreads? I know you hear spread in prison and you're like, you think it's a different kind of treat. That's when they take a shitload of top ramen noodles, dry, and they put it into a bag and they put pork in there.

So much sugar fucking. They dump in, crush up nachos, doritos. That's what gives all the seasoning is the nachos. Exactly, exactly. And then they tie it into a huge bag. It's disgusting looking. And then you put it over like bread or whatever and it's quite tasty. Yeah, that's good. That was your jam. You went savory over sweet.

Correct. Exactly. Do you remember your first meal out of prison? Yeah, dude, we went to, because my parents picked me up at the bus station, because the bus from the minimum security took us to a bus station in Eugene, where the journey all started. Yeah, go ducks. And we went to a pizza place like a block away from where we'd been robbed at gunpoint. Oh, my gosh.

Years before. How good was that pizza, though? Oh, my God, it was incredible. How good was that first shit? Yeah. Close the door? I was like, can I, do I have to close it? Or do you guys want to watch me?

The whole fucking family pizzeria? How soon do you, so there's no doors on the stalls, right? Like when you have to shit, it's just like every guy. No, I mean, there's bars on the doors, obviously, but you can look in and see me pooping. God. And sleep. Is there ever a time where you sleep well in prison?

The first night I would got arrested, still have never had a sleep like that. Oh, wow. Because it's, think about the years and years of adrenaline, yes, and the tension and the buildup, and I'm like, now it's done. You know what I mean? And you're not afraid of getting jacked or stabbed?

No, but you were locked up with Jimmy and you trusted him at that rate. Yeah, well, this is in prison. My first time in jail, they throw you into a cell by yourself. Oh, good. But dude, after three days, you're so isolated, you're like begging to be around people. That's what's crazy. It's like I would rather be around a guy.

That's the thing that people can be alone. Never figure, like everyone who's like not in the system, never been arrested, you go, oh, isolation, give me that, right? So I don't have to be threatened by other people, but then absolutely everybody who's ever been like thrown in the isolation, like solitary confinement, they're all like, it's the worst thing that everybody says. Yeah, everybody.

Horrifying. Yeah, exactly. People go crazy. People lose their minds. If you're in there for more than, so if there was ever like a riot or a stabbing and you were involved in it, you got to go to the hole for one year. Yeah, the hole.

That's minimal. If you stab somebody, at least in Oregon, you were there for. You definitely lose your mind. You would think, but it's like guys have done that multiple times. If you do 30 years, you might get in four stabbings. You know, a solid chunk of that time might be in isolation. Now, now you're not, it's not Shawshank Redemption where

you're in a dark room and they're spraying you with a water hose. You know what I mean? You're in isolation in a unit with other cells in isolation. So you can scream at other people. You can, you can like they call it fishing. Yeah. Put a letter at the end of a pen, but you're still locked up alone and never, and there are extreme forms of isolation where

you're completely isolated, but those are reserved for like the, you know, the worst gang bangers, the shot callers of like huge California prisons, right? But, but yeah, it's still, you, I don't know how those guys survived that shit. What's the worst thing that like this, did you have a scariest moment in prison where you're like really terrified? Dude, when we knew this riot was about to happen.

Oh, you just got, you know, it's about to happen. You know, it's, you know, it's going to happen because like you just hear rumblings of it. Yeah. And then you see guys starting to bring their boots to the shower. That's how you know. And then Jimmy's like, it's that time you got to start wearing

your boots to the shower. So it just looks like black porn. Everybody's naked, but they have their fucking boots on. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like 90s black porn. Sure. I think they're taking their shoes off now.

Yeah. It worked up to that, right? They've got the Tim's on. Yeah, exactly. You're wearing your boots because if people start fighting and it bleeds over, I can't, I got to have the footwear. But that's how you know. I'm like, shit, and then you get involved in those fights.

You have to get involved. Oh, you do. So it's like, I'm like, I'm coming up for good time. You know, like I'm coming up for my transfer date. Right. And I tried not to get my hopes up. I was like, I'm going to be in here day for day. I'm assuming because I've already been like five fights.

I'm assuming there's no way I'm going to get any kind of like a good time. Yeah. I'm going to, I'm going to literally going to parole out of this prison. And so when I heard the riot was about to happen, I was like, I was like losing my mind. I'm like, I'm like, I'm going to fucking fight somebody.

Am I going to have to fucking stab somebody? Am I going to have to? Like what's like, I might have to fight these black guys who I have been playing basketball with for the last six months. So, um, yeah, dude. Yeah. So what happened to the riot happened? So I got, I had been in a fight.

I had been in another fight and I farted in the guy's face. That's how I got in the fight. This is wild. What? It was on accident, bro. I had to get up these stairs to go to Chow from the wreck, from like the basketball court. Yeah.

And I just, and I do it, it was like a, it was like a protein fart. All it is is beans. Yeah. One of those. And I, so I like farted in his face. I let it out. It was just, I'm six, six.

The guy's like five, eight. Yeah. He's at your ass. He's right there. He's at my ass. So I, I just let it out. It was just, it was silent but deadly. And he was like, oh, that ain't cool, man.

He was like, catch ones. He was like, catch fade. And I was like, bro, I'm so sorry. I'm going home. Please. Like, let's not do this. But we had to fight and we got caught. So I had 30 days in the hole.

Oh. For fighting over a fart. And the riot happened. And the riot happened while I was down. Thank God, actually. Yeah. So I don't know if I would have had to been involved. I'm not sure.

No, no. Was it a white guy that you farted in front of? No, no. I fought a black guy. Oh, that guy that you farted on? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And they don't play that shit. Black guys don't like gay jokes and farts. Fart jokes. And they're missing out on a huge section of comics. They're missing out on so much fun, dude. I tell my black friends that. I'm like, at least get into farts. Like, let's work our way up to the gay shit.

But they don't want to do that. They don't ever want to do it. They're stuck with boots in the shower. Yeah. So you're like, hey, why don't we slug each other's dicks? And they're like, what the fuck, man? Yeah. All right.

All right. I'll just fart on you. So yeah, that's how that happened. But when that happened, when that riot happened yet, a couple of people got stabbed. It was a huge brawl in the yard. A guy I used to work with, got a DUI. He has gang tattoos, even though he's not in a gang, for fun. You know what I mean?

Yeah. So when he gets arrested, they're like, what gang are you in? And he's not in a gang. And he's like, I'm Sodenio or whatever. And they're like, all right. Put him over here. I'm like, holy shit. That's so.

And he gets arrested in LA and goes to Twin Towers. Like downtown. Oh, no. I'm sad. So this has been, it's been overpopulated for years, right? Yeah. So what was the gym is just bunks. Yeah.

Like rows of bunks. Yeah. So he gets processed. They're like, you're in a Mexican gang. You'll go over here. He's not in a gang, right? Oh, shit. He gets his stuff and he's going to his bunk.

And his first hour that he's in jail, an inmate punches a female guard in the face, right? Like decks of female guard. So it's full life on the ground, locked down, like full chaos, riot breaks out. He's supposed to be released, like supposed to be, because he's in for DUI. He's supposed to be released within like 12 hours, right? Two weeks later. He's still in jail. He's in jail.

He's basically having to like, you know, follow whatever some gangbanger is like, we do this dog. And then he's like, OK, he's just fucking going along. He's all he's got these crazy tats because he likes the tats. But he's like, oh, my God, he was a stupid idea to get like accurate. Yeah. Yeah. Like encrypted messages that only other gangbangers are like, all right, what's up, man?

This is the first thing they do. They take fucking, they take pictures of all your tattoos and they're like, OK, I'm going to send you to a level four yard. So now you're in there for a DUI and HIV from a, you know, do you know what he told me? Somehow. But fucking or a heroin needle. He fucking eventually got transferred after two weeks to the jail in the valley, which

I guess in LA they call it the Hyatt as like a joke because it's so easy. So nice. He's like, we're playing cards and shit. At this point, by the way, he thinks he's a gangbanger because he's been in jail for a couple of weeks. He's supposed to be a DUI. And then somebody at that jail like a guard is like, what are you doing here? Like you should be.

And he's like, yeah, that's what I wanted to know because every time he said he would try to talk to a guard downtown, they were like, shut the fuck up. Like, you know, like yell at him, call racial slurs. And he was like, he was like, it was so aggressive that I just like shut down. And he gets out. Finally, they release him from from the valley and he hadn't taken a shit in the full two weeks. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah. I didn't get comfortable shitting for about two weeks. Really? I was so constipated. Yeah. I was so scared. Scared.

Yeah. My bowels just weren't working. They weren't on the toilet. But some dude would like walk by and as he walked by, I just pulled my pants up. So I never even start to shit. Right. Right. I would sit down and be like, nope.

Because when are you at your most vulnerable? Yeah. People got stabbed in the bathroom. That's the worst. That's the worst. The communal bathrooms. It feels like there should be a code of like, we're not going to do it when you're shooting.

Yeah. Don't let me die with my pants down. Yeah. Come on. That's the biggest horror. Come on. You have to relax. Yeah.

To shit. Exactly. When you get out. Do you entertain the idea of getting back to it? Or no. Well, I did while I was down until basically the end of my stretch, I was like thinking about, okay, this is how I can do it differently. I'm going to move to LA.

I'm going to get involved in like with these legal weed grows, but I'm still going to ship it to the East Coast. I'm going to make my money. I'm going to do it differently. Yeah. You know, it's that delusion. It's that inmates delusion. I've met so many people, right?

Yeah. That are going to help me move it. Yeah. I probably could have got back into it. I could get back in the game tomorrow. Sure. I just didn't. I just didn't because, dude, I like my father who just was your typical Midwest Catholic

white dude. Yeah. When we were at that pizza place, I saw him. I'd never seen him cry. He just broke down and gave me a hug and I was like clutching him like he was my child. I was like, oh, I fucked up. Yeah. I can't do this.

I fucked up. Yeah. I can't. I have to wait for you guys to die to get back in. Yeah. I was going to say, is it really hard? I didn't indulge in a lifestyle, but don't you just miss maybe? The hardest part, money is way more addicting than drugs, way more addicting.

It's the most, and I argue with people about this. I'm like, if you kick heroin, that's like getting out of a prison. You talk to these guys that are clean and they're like, I'm just so grateful, I give it up for higher power. What are you supposed to do when you're not making $100,000 cash a month anymore? You know what I mean? Yeah. How are you?

I'm supposed to get a job? Of course. That's the thing. We always talk about how criminals are so smart, and you guys really have a good night. You guys are not a criminal anymore, but there's a brain there. There's a mind there, and you clearly had a business. You're a businessman. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, there's businesses you can maybe go into that are real. Well, you're kind of in them, because you're writing, you're doing podcasts, you get into like stock market. Isn't that just legal crime in a way? Isn't that legal crime? I think that's the highest level of crime, though. I think you got to know somebody, you know what I mean?

You need to connect. Yeah. It's a different plug. Yeah. I would love to sell drugs to those dudes, though. I would feel nothing selling these Wall Street sharks, doing hostile takeovers like a bunch of Coke. That's how I would do it.

Really jack up that price, too. Oh, absolutely. You could just tell them, this is actually the highest most Primo grade Colombian Coke. It's actually $10,000 a gram. They'd be like, okay, this sounds cool. Oh, this is Primo? Yeah. That's what I get.

Yeah. That's how they're friend. I'd pay $10,000 a gram for this guy. Dude, I would just gouge them. Yeah. That's what I would do now. Yeah. But no, I think the business helps.

That life does translate to this a little bit, because now it's more important than ever as a comedian to have a business model, I think. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yes. Unfortunate that you can have one that's not controlled by all the fucking gatekeepers. Exactly. So you strike me as a really intelligent, like, red person.

Were you just the anomaly in prison? You seem really smart. Oh, thank you. Yeah, no. The other inmates couldn't believe it either. Like, literally, they'd be like... Why are you here? What kind of word is that?

Are you gay? They'd be like, what the fuck? Yeah. They were like... They thought I was an undercover boss. Yeah. They'd be like, does your dad own this prison? Like, what are you doing here?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, he owns this and it's a post office. Yeah. They'd be like, what the fuck are you doing here? I'm like, oh, it's wild. Yeah. It's wild.

I guess there's nobody like me. No. I was going to say, because you don't... I would never in a million years... Yeah. Guess this was your story. Never. Convince them that I'm not a cop?

Like, what would it take for me to convince them that I'm not a cop? You'd have to do drugs in front of them. Really? Yeah. You'd have to do drugs in front of them. Like cocaine? Yeah, cocaine, at least. And then they'd be like, oh, I guess he's not a cop.

We aren't cops trained to do drugs? No. I don't know. That's a great question. If you're deep undercover, I think you get a pass for doing drugs if somebody offers it to you. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I think they still probably do that when they're like, oh, I think my life's threatened. Yeah. Right. I think I just do it. I'm in danger. I'm in real danger. For sure. For sure.

I saw a movie with somebody in the 90s about it. They did. Yeah. I mean, they definitely... Look, if that's a thing, it's definitely not... It's not public or encouraged. They're not like, as an undercover officer, you'd be doing drugs. You should actively be doing drugs with your informants.

You know what I mean? Or with these guys. Well, that's what we did when we were in C&L. I don't even do drugs anymore. But we were filming with Cartel guys down in Culiacan, Sinaloa last year. And they had pure coke. You know, there's no fentanyl in it. And they're all passing key bumps around.

I can't be like, happy boys. I know you don't know me, but I don't do that. I'm from LA. Yeah. Yeah. My cousin just went to Sinaloa and I was like, how was it? And he goes, well... He goes, you know, it's actually pretty nice going into town.

He goes, like this part of town he goes into, he's like, you see this couple. There's a man and a woman and they're like overlooking, you know, like some view. He's like, oh, like he comments to someone driving them, like nice couple. He's like, oh yeah, they're spotters. Like he's like, they never move from there. Like they're just there all day. Yeah. And they're just like telling somebody who's coming in, who's coming out.

Yeah. And he's like, and people like that are just everywhere. That's the thing. Everywhere. Everywhere. Like the person selling the fucking icy is also... It is also on the payroll looking out. So we were...

I didn't believe that. Like I'd heard that, but I'm like, okay, it's got to be exaggerated. When we were staying at this hotel, it was the only place where like out of town or stayed. Like right down, like on the river in the middle of Culiacan. And we were like, me and my producer, we were like, we want to go to that narco graveyard where they bury, you know, all the narcos, you know, Chapo's sons are there. Everybody's there, right? And they were like, you can't really go there as a tourist.

They don't like that shit. And we're like, okay. And so our guide who was with us left and he was like, you're not going to go to that graveyard, right? We were like, no way, dude. And so as soon as he left, we obviously went to that graveyard, just two guys driving alone. We went to it, we filmed, we got back and we were having dinner with him and he just

kind of looks up and he goes, so how was the graveyard? Oh. They were like, we know, they're watching you as soon as you leave the hotel. Of course. You know what I mean? Yeah. But it still doesn't stop them though. They're like, the law is coming for those dudes.

Like the heat's coming down, man. You know, they got the Chapo son, but like two years ago, they had them and they gave them back. That's right. They let him go because the cartel showed up with like tanks. Right. Exactly. They had bazookas and fucking real tanks, anti-aircraft shit too.

Yeah. And they were like, yeah. So I don't know what happened this time. According to the guy we were filming with, Luis, he's like this super undercover narco journalist, great guy. He was like, they came to an agreement back then in 2019 when all that went down. They were like, Chapo son was like, look, I'll tell him to back off. I'll give myself up to you guys, but I got to get my affairs in order.

Give me a couple of years. Fucking crazy. But Mexico, they do that. They do that. Yeah. Nothing is what it seems. Yeah. Everything is for show.

It's all a show. So that show of force where they went in back in November and arrested him, he knew they were coming. Yeah. It's theater. He got the call. So many people die. They always do like those really crazy marches.

Yeah. Where they like hold him by the back of the neck and they show everybody all the cops have their masks on and they kind of like, it's so wild. They did that here. People would be so up in arms like these men have rights and down there it's like it doesn't process. They're like, these aren't these are animals. These are like, there's no respect for life down there and shout out to your Mexican fans.

They agree. They know. You know what I mean? It's pretty, it's fucking nuts. Because I was in Mexico City and I had a security guy and we were talking about like dangerous places to go. He's like, I could show you something. I go, no, I don't want to see him.

I was like, just like, right. And then he told me, he was like, he's like, yeah, he goes, do you know these people's CBS? And like the fucking television network, I go, yeah, I have no CBS. He's like, well, they came down here and they insisted on going to this one region. I forget where it was. It wasn't seen in the law, but he's like this place and he goes like, we told them really bad idea, you know, and they're like, no, we want to go film our thing there.

Yeah, it's like some white woman. Yeah. And she's like, I want to go there. Yeah. He was like, all right. So they took him down there into like cartel, heavy, heavy place and he goes and he's like, they ended up seeing like a couple bodies hanging from a bridge. And then they were like, where is it?

They're like, this is where you said you needed to come to film your shit. Yeah. They're like, let's grab it. Dumb broad. No thanks. Dumb broad. No fucking thanks. Yeah.

They got out of there. No fucking thanks. You fucking joke. Yeah. Exactly. Well, you know what I read? This was fucking interesting. I read this the other day.

The like fentanyl and synthetic drugs are replacing cocaine in America. So now what's happening is like they're buying less cocoa leaves from the farmers in Colombia and in Peru and shit like that. There's also like more competition Peru as cartels, Bolivia, but like now like these poor fucking cocoa farmers can't even make a living. They can't even eat because less. So if you're listening out there, you should buy coke and just not do it, but just support the fucking the farmers.

The cocoa growers. You know what I mean? Cocaine is a far better drug than fentanyl. It's a far better drug. Clean, right? If it's like this. I think it's fresh in the solar. I think it's still with gas.

Even 100% pure coax made with ethanol. So I'm not sure it's like good for you. It's not a health pill. It's not good for you, but it's fun. It's fun. Yeah. Fucking, you know, Coca-Cola is not good. Now, before we wrap up, right before we walked in here, you saw two

guys who work here. Yeah. Dorks. Yeah. Two dorks who have a basketball challenge coming up. Yeah. They're going to do one-on-one. You know the stakes.

It's a real deal. And he's going to get dreads. Ryan might get a pacemaker. Whoever wins. All right. He's getting a fucking colonoscopy. This guy's the real deal. That's the real deal.

Awake. Like you said in the studio. This is like, I think, I think this is kind of a prison swag. You looked at them real quick and you go, I could beat them two-on-one. Yeah. Yeah, stand by it. Yeah. It took one bounce pass, literally, where I was like, oh yeah, I beat them just myself.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I love it. I love it. Yeah. So you have to this match. Oh, wow. Wow.

That's all he needs to hear. That's what I love. That was like a deep, that was like a deep, smooth, black voice. Yeah. And he thought I was going to like cower for that. Oh, yeah. You're used to that. Yeah.

Yeah. You're like, prison man. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ways here.

Well, I'll tell you what, after their match, you should come play two-on-one. Absolutely. I'd be honored. I got things. You know? There we go. There we go. That's that reform prison.

I got to get a job and I'm a black guy. That's like, you know how you go an octave higher? All my black friends know that. They're like, I got to put on my white voice when I meet his parents. You know? That was so great. This was awesome, dude. Thank you for coming.

Had a great time. Thank you so much for having me. And for people that don't know, we mentioned earlier, but check out Johnny's podcast, The Connect. Yeah. Video on YouTube. Yeah. It listens as a podcast.

We're all over Spotify, iTunes, but on YouTube is its video. So great. And yeah, it's just The Connect with Johnny Mitchell to pop right up. And I'm going to stand up comedian. I'm coming on the road. Check my dates. JohnnyMitchellComedy.com. Follow me on Instagram at Mr. Johnny Mitchell.

There it is. Thanks so much. Thanks, buddy. Appreciate it. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. What's so hard about that?

I'm calling about murder, buddy. Okay. What's your name, anyways? Yeah. I'm going to get your name about three seconds. Okay. What's your name, buddy? Okay.

What's your name, buddy? What's your name, buddy? What's your name, buddy? What's your name, buddy? What's your name, buddy? What's your name?