Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - DIDDY Do It? w/ Brian Simpson | Your Mom's House Ep. 753

Episode Date: April 3, 2024

SPONSORS: - Head to https://Babbel.com/YMH to get 50% off a ONE-TIME PAYMENT FOR A LIFETIME Babbel subscription. - Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/mom or through my promo code MOM - Now through April 30th, Robinhood is even boosting every single dollar you transfer in from other retirement accounts with a 3% match. Go to https://robinhood.com/boost. Welcome back to the Mommydome with Tom Segura and Christina P! What's going on with Tom's nose? Christina has some thoughts on Tom's face and she makes it known. After defending his facial features Tom opens the show with a wild clip of a lady who matters freaking out at Wal-Mart. Tom also tells a story about watching some adult films with his dad and reads an airtight story that has to be heard to believe. Tim and Kristin also wonder why men seem to always be more depraved than women, plus explore an encounter with Garth Brooks and discover a new trend #FartWalk. We then welcome comedian and podcaster Brian Simpson! Tom and Christina talk to him about racist dogs, fat Disney adults, the fattest city in America, and of course the Diddy scandal that's sweeping the internet. They also answer some fan submitted advice emails and play America's favorite game show "Tom or Black?" Brian's latest special Live From The Mothership is streaming now on Netflix! https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinaponline.com/tour-dates https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Your Mom’s House Ep. 753 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm so full, I ate past my ozempic today, I'm gonna throw up. I ate weight, you know what, I didn't even eat anything. And I don't think you and I have ever played Tom or Black. That's cricket right there! Tom. That's Mexican. TomSauce. ["Don't Work No Wreck"] Welcome.

Don't work no wreck. Don't work no wreck. It's great to be back. Tom, this shit is bananas. Say it. Do what you used to do it back in 06, before Responsibilities and Kids. Remember we was talking?

B-A-N-A. Oh. N-A-N-A. Oh. N-A-S. You used to love that song. Did I? You used to come into the house and be like, this shit is banana. I feel like there are certain songs

that even music snobs can't deny. Of course. It's like, you know, appeal. Catchy. And that's one of them for sure. Catchy. You know what song I like now that our five-year-old likes? I can buy myself flowers.

Do you like how I sang it? No, push. No, I don't like it. I could walk in the sand. You could be a fan of fucking Tchaikovsky and you would like this shit as bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. What got that into your head?

I don't know, it just popped in there. Maybe this outfit I'm wearing, it harkens. Yeah, you're wearing an outfit of somebody many generations younger than you. How dare you? How dare you? This is not, how, this is my Eastern European heritage. You're wearing something that a college-aged kid would wear. No, this is a timeless Eastern European, Baltic, Slavic look.

This is timeless. That is true. It is. What do you mean? My ancestors wore this jacket. Yes, they did. My dad wears this. He's 80 years old.

You telling me my 80 year old dad can't wear this? He can. He's wearing the outfit of somebody many generations younger than me. Well, you know what? This is what we do. Okay. You just don't get it. You don't have a good cultural identity.

You're a fun older lady and I think that's nice. Oh my God. You're gonna tell me, I am older, I agree, but you are aging way worse than I am. We're both rotting, to be clear. We're both aging and dying. Yeah, you have a lot of specifics for me. Well, I'll tell you why,

because I'm going to meet with a plastic surgeon in LA. I'm gonna have my upper blephs cut because they're very droopy and I can't see. You don't wanna be a droopy dog. I don't wanna be a droopy dog. My dad did it at my age, so it's time. And then I'm gonna do Botox and Philzies and I'm gonna pause there for like a decade, okay?

A decade. That's my promise to you, I'm not gonna go crazy. You're not gonna be crazy cat lady like, ha. I don't want that. And also what I learned with filler in the lip, the reason your lips shrink, they don't shrink, they actually roll into your skull because you're dying, you're rotting.

And what do I need done? Okay, so you, your lower blephs or dog shit, you look terrible. You need to get your under eyes done. It's gonna take a couple months to heal, so you need to take time down. But your nose is getting so long. It's grown exponentially in the last,

look how low his nose is. Look at that. You know you look like the father from Coming to America. What's the actor's name? Amos. It's the girl's dad. Amos. Dude, your nose is so low right now.

She says that I look like John Amos. Yeah, that's your nose. You have his nose. Look at his nose, look at his nose. See, you see it? Look at his nose look at his nose see you see it Look at look how long and the tip is and your nostrils are getting very big You're aging like John Amos That's who you look like at his bluffs are better than yours. Yeah

No, your under eyes need help too. That's a very I see it's a see the nose points down Yeah, that's where your nose is headed. That's my nose. That's where it is Yeah, it's getting but don't you see it? Don't you feel it? I don't feel it for sure. I definitely don't feel it No, yeah, because last night I was looking at you and the profile you told me you're like God Your nose is really growing night I was looking at you in the profile. Yeah, and you told me, you're like, God, your nose is really growing. And I was like, cool. So what should I have? I should have my lower blephs done. This is established. You need the blephs.

And I would even do a little upper bleph to even it out. You can't just do one and not the other. You have to do the full eye. Look. Oh, and then, yeah, no, I take it back. Because I thought maybe Michael Jackson before he touched his nose, but his nose isn't like your nose. Yours is point or and hangs down

Yeah, I had a pointy one and then he went real crazy with it. Yeah after he started Okay, so he's so cute though. Oh, and then he got so spooky I'm spooky. Hey, it was one we have no child in your bed. It's the most loving place Remember that shit Martin Bechir was interviewing him? What's wrong? He said, an eight year old man, no, an eight year old boy with a 40 year old man. What's wrong with that? So loving, what's more loving than shaving your beard?

Yeah. Remember that shit? That's cool. We were like, yeah, it's fine. So he's famous. My nose. He could have kids in his bed. I should have a nose job then? I mean, I don't know how to remedy this.

It's a nose job. You'd have to cut the tip off, cause it's too long. Maybe they could shave like a few millimeters off. It's gonna fall further and further. 20 years from now, dude, it's gonna be down to your chin. You know what it'll look like? It looks terrible.

I can tell you exactly what it'll look like, ready? What? Yeah. That's what you look like. That's what you look like. Yeah. That's's what you look like. Yeah, that's exactly what you look like. Like a bald eagle, like an angry eagle. It's your meanies. Your eyebrows are getting mean.

Do I have that black eyes nose? Fuck no, you don't have that nose, man. That's a Filipino wide ass fucking nose. It is not. But I'm not talking about the width. I'm talking about the pointiness, how it points down and flares. That's what he see. Look, look, look, look, look, come on.

Look when Tom flares his nostril, it's like this. Go ahead and flare? Yeah, he's got that guy's nose. No, I have that guy's nose more than he does. What you mean? I got the wide-ass. I'm not talking about width, I'm talking about. Yeah, I know you're saying

that it dips. The dip. But it's a nose, man, I don't. I thought I got the wide ass. I'm not talking about width. I'm talking about- Yeah, I know you're saying that it dips. The dip. But it's a nose, man. I thought I had a normal nose. It's a normal nose. No, your nose is growing. It's getting bigger. I do agree on the blefs.

I know that. You need to get your under eyes done. Especially before your next hour. Can I tell you because, well, no, cause you're on people's TV screens. It's in 4K. I'm so full. I ate past my ozempic today. I's in 4K. I'm so full. I ate past my ozempic today.

I'm gonna throw up. I ate, wait, you know what? I didn't even eat anything. I had like a fucking English muffin and I feel like I'm gonna throw up. Well, here it is. This will make you feel a whole lot better. You ready?

Here you go. My pussy matters. Crazy. Black lives matter. My pussy matters. Have fun painting your home with it. Black lives matter. Have fun painting all of this. Have fun painting all of this. Black lives matter. My pussy matters.

Black lives matter. My pussy matters. My pussy matters. You make no sense. What's wrong with you? Poor people don't matter, but her fucking pussy matters. Black lives don't matter. That's glass. don't break glass and Christina Pujetson. Christina Pujetson. Welcome to your mom's house. ["Thera-ball"] Mmm.

It's terrible. Terrible. Terrible. Yeah, that's what you're going to look like. Grr! Oh, I know what he looks like. Um, Josh. Okay.

Google Gringotts Bank? Oh, Jesus Christ Okay, there you go Those guys Those yeah, that's where your ears are headed that way Black man to goblin. That's what aging does, folks. I'm going there too.

My ears have grown. The clearly anti-Semitic trope that they have in Harry Potter where they're like, where's the money? They're like, it's in the bank vault. And then these guys are like, what do you want? And they have fucking big noses. Yep. Yeah. No, we just we just made characters, and they're greedy and they like hold on to it Yeah, it's so obvious right Josh solo. Do you feel you look a little chewy?

I mean the whole thing feels kind of like you can't deny it. Yeah Well JK Rowling, she's... Respect. Respect. She's been accused. She's been accused of a lot of stuff. Of being hateful against the trans and the pronouns. Being a turf, right? What's a turf?

You don't know what a turf is? Mm-hmm. Isn't that a pretty well-known term? I don't know. Oh, you're Christina. Yeah, I'm an idiot. I raise kids. I'm not cool.

Is it on TikTok? If it's on TikTok, I'll know it. Yeah, I'm an idiot. I raise kids. I'm not cool. Is it on TikTok? If it's on TikTok, I'll know it. It's all over the place. I think she's labeled that by, yeah, the trans exclusionary radical feminism. Oh my God, is this because of colonialism? Well, it's actually, it's all about the financial sector.

They're the reason why all this is happening. Oh, okay. Yeah, so somebody who's just like, they're feminists, but they don't include the trans women. Okay. Wow, I don't wanna be a turf. Well, this lady's not a turf either. No, her pussy matters.

She's telling you the pussy and black lives. My pussy matters! Now why did she lump in black lives with her pussy? She was's telling you the pussy and black lives. My pussy matters! Now why did she lump in black lives with her pussy? She was just showing you, she's like, oh do black lives matter? My pussy matters. She's very upset about something. And she was breaking, I don't know, those candles? Those are Yankee candles.

Those are really good. I like how the lady's like, have fun buying all these. Yeah, you fucking bitch. Yeah. Stupid bitch. Pretty cool. Well, I'm glad that I have my whole future facelift and everything lined up. You gotta go meet this plastic surgeon I'm meeting with in LA.

I'm gonna throw up. Did I tell you what I did? I fucking... You OD'd? Yeah, let me tell you the audience why you know what I did. So I started back on the Ozempix and the doctor goes, you know what, since you ate right through it last time, I'm going to start you on a higher dose.

And I'm like, all right, fair enough. I'm a pig. So he goes, start at like 10 units. So it comes time for me to start. And I go, I don't know, 10 units sounds like a lot. I haven't been on it in a minute. I'm going to dial it back to five units. So I give myself the start and I go, I don't know, 10 units sounds like a lot. I haven't been on it in a minute. I'm gonna dial it back to five units. So I give myself the injection and I go out to barbecue

with you and the boys. And I'm like, dude, I can't even like, like I feel nauseous. I can't even eat this bread. My mouth is dry. I feel like I'm gonna throw up. And then I wake up in the middle of the night, like super nauseous and just like,

I'm taking Tums and stuff. Like something's wrong with me, dude. And then it comes again from my dosing time, like a week goes by and I haven't eaten shit. Like I'm like, this is working this time. I am, I'm down like three pounds. I'm starving. I take a bite and I'm like, oh, I'm full.

This feels great, you know? Full eating disorder, like full blown, right? And then our friend is over who's a nurse and I go, hey, just let me just confirm this dosing because I'm not so sure. Like, should I be taking more or less? And she goes, well, how much did you take last week? And I go up to here and she goes, what? I go, yeah, five units.

She goes, Christina, you took 50 units. She's like, that's enough for like a 500 pound man. And I'm like, oh, well it fucking worked. I'm not retarded. I know what I'm doing. But it was good because I feel like, like with me, you have to start off harsh like that. And then I'll stop eating. How are you now?

Great. Well now, like I have an English muffin. I feel like I'm gonna throw up. Perfect. Cool. Nice. Nice. Enough fuel.

Just enough. Yeah, it's working. This college basketball tournament has been one for the books with big plays and even bigger wins. The tourney might be nearing the finish line, but there's still time to get your bets in. I've teamed up with DraftKings Sportsbook, and right now, all new customers who bet just $5

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Let me give this update real quick. Yeah. Oh God. Limited tickets for the upcoming shows. June 7th in Kansas City at the Starlight Theater. June 8th, Camdonton, Missouri at Ozarks Amphitheater. June 12th, Wilkes-Barre, PA at Mohegan Sun Arena at Casey Plaza.

And June 15th in Bangor, Maine at Cross Insurance Arena. Also- Bangor, Maine? Bangor, Bangor, Bangor. Finger Bangor. Also we just announced the second leg that includes September 14th in Denver, Colorado at Ball Arena in the Round.

Balls Arena. September 28th in Toronto, Ontario at Scotiabank Center and November 9th in Fartnicks, Arizona at the Footprint Center. Very exciting stuff. All tickets are at the Footprint Center. Very exciting stuff. All tickets are at TomSegura.com slash tour. Don't Google my name and the city and buy from a third party site. That's why people message you.

They're like, I can't believe your tickets are $630. Yeah, that's not the ticket, dude. So where should they buy? Buy it from the website. That takes you to the actual- The website. Your website. My website. If you just Google it you're going to end up buying a third as a scalper you're buying it from a scalper. This happens every tour every time and they're like wow I paid $900 for these tickets and you're like what are you doing? These dirty Gringotts bank owners. Because they don't even go to the website

they buy it from like one of the you, a scalper who bought a bank of tickets and then they sell it on one of the ticket sites. That's terrible. It sucks, those guys are the worst. Guys, don't do that either. Come see me in Los Angeles May 8th at the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever. It's in a cemetery.

It's exciting. And I'll be wearing another immature outfit, as my husband says. And then the funny bone in Orlando Florida August 16th and 17th. Orlando. I forgot. www.cricutponline.com. I am May 9th in Los Angeles also. Oh yeah? Yeah. At the where Magic Got Aids at the forum. Oh that's where he got it? He got it in the locker room probably. For sure he got it in the locker room. He'd fuck like seven girls after a good game. I need a lot of good games. You think so?

You think he's fucking girls? He'd bring him in the shower and just bang him all in the shower So cool, and then James Worthy would jack off in the corner That's the documentary we've all been waiting for I can't wait to start because here's the deal man The music industry is being exposed. We're all figuring that out the comedy industry blew up when they were doing me, too industry is being exposed. We're all figuring that out. The comedy industry blew up when they were doing Me Too. That's next, is we're gonna find out all the creepers in the sports sector.

In sports? Yeah, like we know some of it. I'm not saying it's never been, but I wanna hear these locker room stories. I wanna hear more about that. Locker rooms have been happening for generations. But what happens in there? What happens in there?

The Dominicans shower by themselves. Is that right? They slap their dicks against each other and stuff. Really? Yeah, baseball players will tell you, pro baseball players will be like, yeah, we don't shower with the Dominicans. They do their own thing.

They do their own thing? Yeah, because they're hypersexual. Ah! They'll come up and slap you in the ass with their dick and they're like, hey, what the fuck, man? But another Dominican will be like, hey, And they'll come up and slap you in the ass with their dick. And they're like, hey, what the fuck, man? But another Dominican will be like, hey, hey, hey. It's a corno.

That's it. Yeah, that's how we do it in Punta Cana. Yeah, man. That's how the DRs do it. They fucking dick slap. They fuck, man. They fuck. And the Reacons, too, they like to fuck, huh?

Oh, you would know that. I know. They do like to fuck. Remember when we went to Puerto Rico and everything was hypersexual. No, that was Dominican Republic No, we know them again. This is dr2. Oh dr is when they shook like hardcore pornography Hotel. Yeah Making me change it. You're like, why do you keep putting that on?

I go to the bathroom right here. Hi poppy. Yeah And then they ask you when you check out there with a question they go. What was your favorite channel on that? And I was like fucking 69 Your porn channel that runs 24-7 in the hotel I did that one time So when when I was in when I studied abroad, I did a semester in Spain in Madrid Yeah, my dad came to visit one time and so when he when he came to visit I checked into the hotel with, like he stayed in a hotel.

So I stayed in the hotel with him. And he was calling my mom to like, just to check in. Like, here's what we're doing. And as he's doing that, I'm on TV and I'm flipping through the channels. And they had the same thing. They had hardcore porn. So I left it on as he was talking about it.

And he was like, and there was just a lady getting plowed. And he was like, and there was just a lady getting plowed. And he was like, Tommy. He was like, yeah, we're gonna go to this thing. And I just left it on. He was like, change the channel. I was like, no. Did your mom even notice?

No, she didn't. She's on the phone, but I turned the volume down, but I made it as the TV stand. He was like, and then he hung up, he was like, jeez. And there was some lady, she was getting plowed by a huge black cock and he goes, can you imagine? Can you imagine? Which part, being the lady or being the guy?

I think he was imagining being the lady. Can you imagine having to deal with that shit? Shit. Yeah. Speaking of. Did that feel cool to watch porn with your dad? Well, I don't feel like I watched porn with him so much as I just like tortured him by.

You didn't get aroused at all? No, no. I mean, it would have been weird if we watched it for an hour together. That's what I'm saying. How long was this? It's like if he was on the phone for a minute, you know. Yeah.

They never stop arriving airtight emails and we have another one today. This one is titled stuffed by footballers. Wow. Before the pandemic, I was in college traveling Europe with some friends. I was at peak slut operation at this time and decided to risk being kidnapped

into slavery for the plot. I met a professional soccer player from Africa on Tinder and decided to meet up with him and the other players who said he wanted to fuck me at the club. The other players are like, okay, not fuck me at the club, but fuck me from the club. Like they were at the club we met. Against all good judgment and Liam Neeson's warnings, I got in a cab with three large athletic African American men in a foreign country at 3 a.m. and went back to their apartment. Jesus.

Black lives matter. It was my first time trying anal and your racial suspicions are right. They all had huge dicks. My pussy matters. I winced from pain at first, but I had a crowd of men to entertain at this point. Three from the club and now one more who had stayed home. So I wasn't going to let anything stop me. I switched positions and called upon all the women who had embraced

interracial gang bangs before me to give me the strength. And I took those dicks. I was in a sort of doggy position, one behind me in the ass, one below me in the pussy, one in my mouth and one in my hand. Wow. It was so impressive, it should have been filmed. I was never an athlete, but I consider this a type of championship come dog performance. Keeping them high and tight.

Can I tell you something? I think a man wrote this. Yeah. Just like the way that it's written, I find it hard to believe that a woman wrote this. I agree. It's not from a female perspective. And the choice, the wording, the way that it's written,

it's very male. It's very male written. We need this verified. I don't buy it either. I don't think, Abby, I don't fucking believe you. And I don't think your name is Abby, Jim. I don't think this is true. I don't think so either. Do you Jim. Ah! I don't think this is true. I don't think so either.

Do you believe this? It's hard to believe. I mean, it's so perfect. Don't you think a guy wrote it? It feels like a guy is writing this for entertainment. Yeah, all the jokes sound like William Neeson. It's very male, called upon the women who had embraced interracial gang bangs before me.

It just feels like... That's true, because yeah, we wouldn't say it like that. It doesn't. But you know what? It's entertaining. But I prefer true stories. Yeah. Abby. And also, it lacked detail, you know? Because usually they're like, well, why sat down like...

Four football players? Jesus Christ. I know. It lacked technical details, I'm saying. I know I'd like to elect technical details I'm saying I do remember there was the it's our first time doing anal and like You know, you know what? I mean, you don't go airtight your first time. Do you remember there was the soccer players? Historically true in our case there was soccer players. You could probably find this if you google this there's soccer players That I think they got all these tie girls to go back to the hotel and they filmed it and they were make like they were making them eat their ass and It's on camera and then they had to apologize but like they definitely

Yeah Oh because they were saying racist While they were saying racist things. They were saying racist things. While they were mating, they were eating their asses. Nothing more degrading you could do. Eat my ass. Yeah, how's that fucking Kung Pao Sal... Yeah, that's... That's an insult to injury.

That's that guy. Yeah, this fucking guy. God, men are just monsters, I tell-hmm Men are just monsters. I tell you men are really monsters. Yeah, I learned I'm like why why do you have to be jerks about it? Like you got these nice Thai ladies back to your room to your ass and then you have to be a jerk on top of it You don't have to do that. Why do you do that? Just let her just be cool, dude Probably cuz they got bored of being nice, you know, they've done it before Why does it always have to go dark and sexual with guys like the ditty stuff and then like I just feel like guys Always go to that like sexual. It's really interesting though. What but why why cuz I don't know if I've heard like the really

Good explanation of it. It was women who corporate sexual. I know, but women who want this type of thing can do it and then they play it cool. You know what I mean? That's what it usually feels like. Like I'm saying if a woman were to partake in something like this, she does what she does, and you know, she's just kind of, because she's not mean about it, I'm saying.

You know what I'm saying? Like when something goes hypersexual. Okay, okay, okay, yeah. Or like having, but guys always like, they have to do something to make you go like, what the fuck did you do that for? Well like Epstein, like it's all dudes going there. He's not a bad guy.

Like you don't hear many women doing shit like that. No, I know. Like they abuse children, yes they abuse, but they don't like. I know. It's just so dark but they don't like. I know. It's just so dark when they have to incorporate. You have to assume after this, cause it's not one or two occurrences,

it's hundreds and thousands of millions. That means we just have to be wired differently. Did you know that even if you have a 401k for retirement, you can still have an IRA? Robinhood has the only IRA that gives you a 3% boost on every dollar you contribute when you subscribe to Robinhood Gold. But get this, now through April 30th,

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which is why we live longer and we are caregivers to children. Like you guys really do lack empathy. And I think some of it's testosterone. Truly testosterone. I mean, you hear it when people transition from female to male, they're like, I took testosterone, I was like, you're fucking out, rule this world.

Like that's not how women operate. I'm not like that. But why does everything, like how come every gross thing is a man's request? I have no idea. Like you rarely hear like the something that's like offensive. You're like, Jesus, and that guy's like, I like that shit. Like all these cool guys up here,

we have dedicated to dudes. We honor them. There's not one female cool guy. Well, I wanna hear you shit in the toilet. I know. Make sure it's quiet so I can hear you shit. I wanna hear that. This is male.

You don't hear women asking that. Not really. Not really. We just kind of go along with what you guys want, I think. Right, but why is the, is it just tea? That's what it is? Well, I don't know, maybe because too historically women haven't been able to forge their sexual identity

independent of men. I don't think so. I don't buy that argument either. I was trying to do it. I was trying to go for it. Well, we're not as perverted maybe. I know. But I guess my thing is like, why are we the perverts?

Because you don't have to care for children. I honestly think because we bury, we have the burden of the reproductive stuff. We gotta take care of babies. But does that mean that you think if you didn't have that, there would be more perverts in women? of the reproductive stuff. We gotta take care of babies. They can't make us crazy. If you didn't have that, there would be more perverts. Yeah, then we'd be killing our children and killing them more.

I mean, it happens, it's an anomaly, but women have to be made more compassionately because we foster life. Yeah, you do. My pussy back! Isn't it because that's what we were built for? Killing and and stuff? Like to fuck, like that's our biology is like to chase.

Built to fuck. Well yeah, that's what drives us is like we gotta chase, we have to fight. The whole thing, if you go back to a less civilized world, the man's whole purpose is to spread his seed, right? Yeah. To reproduce. But then it goes wrong But when does it go wrong when they get violent and sexually violent?

Well, we do wake up with a boner every morning. I think we're just you know, we're used to it So we got to keep upping the ante, you know, and when does it go wrong? Did especially consistent? Yeah, yeah But because then they feel it they're blaming the world, you know, they don't get why it's happening to them. I like your theory, however, what about guys like Diddy? Who's not being rejected, but just who gets a tremendous amount of money and power at a young age. Because that is intoxicating, that's why.

I also wonder if he did get rejected, you know, before, and then now he's just gone nowhere. Treyarch could be vengeance. He wasn't the coolest guy before, right? Like his coolness evolved with his success and his wealth. And stature and money and yeah. Yeah, people were like, you're the coolest guy ever once he was wearing like sunglasses indoors

and you know what I mean, had fur coats on it. Like they weren't saying that when he was 23. Sure, sure, sure. That's dark. But he, there's a darkness within him, because there's a darkness within all of us. But then if you are able to exercise that power and keep silence where you need with wealth

and access everything with your power and wealth, and you tap into your darkness, then you can get somebody like that. Or like if you look at J.Lo, she's apparently such a big monster too. You're like, why? J.Lo? Yeah, there's this thing on TikTok where. Or like, if you look at JLo, she's apparently such a big monster too. You're like, why? JLo? Yeah, there's this thing on TikTok where they're like,

tell me one good story about Jennifer Lopez. Apparently she's just a monster. There's this one, not like that, where she's sexually assaulting people. But I'm saying there's this one great clip even of she's got gum in her mouth and she has her assistant come over and the assistant just puts out his hand

and then she spits the gum into another human being's hand and you're like, stop it. Like, no, you don't do that. She's just mean. But what is it about certain people when they get power and money and that they just go dark? I think some of that has to do with the fear of losing those things.

You know, when you access like the top tier, a big thing about that, people think like, oh, you're top tier. All those people that are like at the top, top, top also have a fear of not being at the top, you know? And so that manifests itself in different ways. Like some people go crazy internally, and some people go crazy externally, right?

Because like they don't wanna lose that stature. They don't wanna stop being number one. It's a crazy externally, right? Because they don't want to lose that stature. They don't want to stop being number one. It's a personality disorder, right? The personality disorder blames the other and then the neurotic blames themselves. So that's probably where it goes differently. Yeah, I think she seems like she blames the other, right? Oh yeah, it's someone else's problem.

I'm perfect, you're crazy. Yeah. Wow, can you imagine being Ben Affleck and having to deal with that fucking? He's got his own shit, too, though Yeah, he seems more self-loathing like I'm a self loatherer. So I tend to go with his type of personality traits. Maybe I mean, he's an addict sure. Yeah sure Respect respect. Yeah He's a great director by the way, he is. Yeah

underrated Check this out. I like that. We got a message from oh shit He's a great director by the way. He is. Yeah. So talented. Underrated. Check this out. I like that. We got a message from. Oh shit. This dude, he goes, sorry, took a bit to get back to you.

I just made it safely away from Garth. So a friend of mine is a makeup artist, has been doing his wife Trish's glam for their Amazon show. So I came with her for the grand opening to meet them. First, he is really unnervingly nice. In a room with 400 people in it, one by one he tipped his hat to every lady who was introduced or wanted a photo.

When my friend introduced us to him and told him we were comedians, he made a joke about not knowing how we make a living. Before we separated, I told him my parents had a video of me as a kid running around nothing But a cowboy hat butt naked singing Garth Brooks at my mom's house Then right after that I whispered and your mom's house needs to know where the bodies are He laughed and took it like a champ and I'm still alive

Where am I we have a little bit of his video of meeting him? Oh wrong video. Sorry What is it Garth Garth? Right? Here we go. What is it? Garth, Garth, right? Here we go. Is this it? Yeah. See? So he's super friendly. There's Trish. He's a comedian.

He's a comedian. I don't know how they make any money. I don't know either. Yeah, this kid AJ, he looks nervous. He's like. Yeah, he's so stunned. He's like, is he gonna fucking I'm not even gonna. Aw. Yeah, this kid AJ, he looks nervous. He's like. Yeah, he's so stunned. He's like, is he gonna fucking snap my neck? Yeah.

Yeah, I get it, dude. Well, thanks for the message and also be thankful to say your little prayers tonight that you made it out of there alive. Yeah, no kidding. Sandwiched in between Trish and Garth. The queen. Right, Maripaz.

Yeah. Mrs. Yearwood. Yeah. He calls himself Mr. Yearwood. Ugh. Me Trish. Yeah. He's speaking that crazy gay shit. What's up, Bear? Let me ask you something, Bear. Just imagine you down here on your knees. Daddy's doing this for you. Good girl. Good girl. Just imagine that, right? Can you imagine

that? Yeah. Just imagine you down here on your knees. Daddy's doing this to you. Good girl, good girl. Just imagine that, right? Come here, come here, how about you boy? You want this? DME, DME. Again, aggressive dudes.

Yeah. It's daddy DeMarco. Also, he said good girl. Yeah, I noticed that. That's interesting. I guess the question is, is that for a girl, is that what he calls you as a man? a man do it that's especially demeaning. Yeah, it's a double double time varsity Yeah, he had that video about you know how you'll need Tylenol after. Oh, I remember your assholes done sure sure sure sure sure

Yeah, I was terrifying. I don't like this. Yeah, I know. That's why I played it. Thanks Yeah, I know. That's why I played it. Thanks. It's fun to do that to you. This is a fun one. Yeah, I'm seeing these guys. That's cool right? These guys are great. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love it. I love it, I know. You like your name. I Like these guys yeah, I know I like your name they um they do this did you shout out I know For it's cool, but I like it. They got it's good vibes. Yeah, I figured it was a nice transition out of daddy DiMarco sure sure That's what he plays for you after he's done. He's like you did a good job ah ah hope your asshole heals ah ah ah ah

should we take a break? yeah I'm bummed out we went from making my asshole bleed yeah the sagura dance which I loved I mean I'm trying to think if I have something so can we take cheer me up though I'm not I'm not a good place. Okay. Hold on anything like you see what it would make you Nothing violent. I know That's everything no no I got a bunch of stuff

Josh solo's got a good suggestion. Oh, yeah, that always cheers me up. You don't know this one yet, right? I think diarrhea related? You'll like this. Going for a fart walk after dinner is something that's gonna help you age wonderfully. And if you follow me, you know that my husband and I go out for fart walks most nights after dinner.

So about 60 minutes after we've eaten, we put on our running shoes and off we go. Now, why do we do this? Well, we eat a lot of fiber, so we have gas, everybody does, and yeah you fart when you walk so that's why I named it that. But the main reason that we do the fart walks is because by walking for as little as two minutes we should walk for about 10, 15, 20 but not really quickly it's more of a moderate walk. We are helping reduce our chances of developing type 2 diabetes. Why? Well because walking is helping maintain our

blood sugars, keeping them from ricocheting all around. And as you age, especially after 40, you have a bigger chance of developing type 2 diabetes. So these little things you do on a regular basis that can have a really big impact on our long-term health. So sign yourself up for Fart Walks. Yeah, I know something. I invented the hashtag. Yeah, so on my grave. She's sweet.

She's the Fart Walk inventor. And she's right, Bert got type two when he was 51. He did, yeah. Well, he also drinks Kool-Aid gallons of it. I don't think it's just the Kool-Aid. Yeah, my dad does this he talks about this He says he ever notice why men get up and smoke a cigarette after they eat Because you're outside farting. Everyone's farting. That's true. Yeah. How do you like that? Were you going on a fart walk with your lady?

Yeah, I'll go on a little fart walk. Sure. Yeah, build up., I mean, you know, diabetes, I'm pretty sure that's coming up, right? So yeah, farted out. Do you fart in front of your lady? Yeah, of course. Oh, wow, I'm surprised. Yeah, it was crazy. I said that in front of her dad and he looked at me, he's like, really?

Like, I mean, I'm just surprised. I didn't know that, like I could tell what he was saying. I didn't know niggas did that. Oh wow. What, farted? Yeah, in front of the, yeah, cause we don't do that shit. I definitely don't do that in front of my niggas did that. Oh wow. What, farted? Yeah, in front of the, yeah, cause we don't do that shit. I definitely don't do that in front of my niggas,

like in front of my bros, no. Oh, you just do it in front of her? That's interesting. Fuck yeah, I ain't doing it in front of her. Does she fart in front of you? She will, but I feel like she hold him back. Yeah. Yeah, that's nice. I feel like she still, yeah.

Trying to keep it sexy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I invite him though. I'm like, baby, it's fine. You don't gotta, every time she does. I'm like there we go There's one you really like this chick because you were very anti Very surprising man, you're always anti-fart around here. Yeah, yeah very anti-fart

I try to fart and wink at him all the time and he doesn't like that That happened yeah, no Is it too gay? It's too gay, the Wink? I don't know, I don't know, it's just not- But the bros are supposed to be. It's disrespectful, it's disrespectful is what it is. Yeah. No, with bros, it's the whole game. Like, bros fart in front of each other.

That's a very strange perspective on it. Not my bros. Really? Yeah, nah, we ain't cool like that. That's like who you're- that's level one for who you fart in front of, is your other friends. Shit, not me. Really? Uh-uh.

So you go lady before your friends? Yeah, yeah. You guys don't see how fucking- Yeah, I would never fart in front of my friends. That's wild. That's insane. That's crazy. You don't trust your friends.

He literally has a POV on everything that I've never heard before. No, I know. I mean, that is like, I farted in front of my friends before a girl, for sure. Yeah, that's where you start, yeah, like you said. That's where you start farting. Yeah, I'm surprised too.

I'm shocked, because usually you're so against any kind of body fluids or body functions, so that you would freely fart in front of her. What about your browns when you do shit? Do you shit in front of her? I mean like she ain't gonna be in the room. Okay, Jesus Christ. Yeah like but that's just because that's crazy. Will you fart at a urinal? Well I fart at it well I mean see I did that once and then that's when I shat my pants so I ain't gonna uh-uh. Yeah I was on a date with a

chick and yeah I did that I farted in the urinal I was like, oh, I feel so good. I'm like damn. That's like kind of warm, too. I'm like Oh, no, luckily I was by myself though. I was by myself. There was anybody cleaned up If I mean clean up I took off my pants threw him in the fucking trash can was washing my ass in the sink It was horrible. Holy cow. Yeah, I called my homie a Sean. He fucking came pick me up in the car Yeah, it was horrible. It was horrible. That's it Yep, I called my homie, Ashon, he fucking came pick me up in the car. Yeah, it was horrible. It was horrible, that shit.

That's a ride or die though. I ditched that girl too. I never talked to that bitch again. Never talked to that bitch again. I'm like, I can't. He wasn't doing it. She had nothing to do with it. Yeah.

Yep, yep. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, honestly, it wasn't going that well anyway. Whatever, it was cool. Fucking bitch. I dipped. I'm like, I'm sorry, man. I can't.

I can't. Or Zola, would you fart in front of your guy friends before a girl? 100%. Yeah. Of course. It's funny if it's a guy with a girl. Me and my friends and brothers send recordings of our farts to each other.

Yeah. Yeah, it's normal. We got the whole office has to get Eni in on this. I know. Eni, start farting. How is this going to work? We need a campaign that Eni starts farting in front of us. Yeah.

You've seen us fart. Why don't you sign for you to fart in front of us? I mean, I'm chilling. I'm chilling. I ain't gonna do this. I don't trust motherfuckers. I don't know, it's something about disrespect. I can't be disrespected.

Disrespect. Disrespect. I can't be disrespected. Yeah. Okay. Cool, thanks. Okay. Disrespect. I can't be disrespectful. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Thanks. Okay.

All right. We're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back. Black lives matter! All right. Ready in Chamesh Av Ba Shalosh Shtaym. And we're back and you can check out the new special live from the mothership at any time streaming on Netflix. It's Brian Simpson everybody.

Woo hoo! Oh, oh, oh. Yo, was he counting down in German? He was doing it in Hebrew. Oh, Hebrew. Like a real J. Wow, I thought it felt scarier. Hardcore.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you think, Brian, do you think that German shepherds are an inherently racist dog to have? Yeah. Thank you. It feels like it. We felt it too.

They don't feel like they're very discerning, you know? They're very stubborn. Yeah. Yeah. And they have a, look, their resume, it's not the best resume. No. Between the Nazi Party

Black police or police forces in the south during the 60s. Yeah, you know German Shepherds. They did their thing. They're Racist. Yeah, they're Jews blacks I've only ever seen one German Shepherd with a black family. Really? Oh, wow My grandfather had a German Shepherd named Pete. Pete? And? Is he racist? Pete.

Did he hate your grandfather? No, he was old by the time I met him. Yeah, they beat him down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Broke his beard. Yeah. He's like, they're making me live with them.

Yeah, they should try to ride him. Like a horse. Yeah, they're big. Yeah, fuck that dog up something serious. Yeah, good. Yeah, he's trying to ride him like a horse. Yeah, they're big. Yeah, fuck that dog up something serious. Yeah, good. Yeah, which dog, okay, so which dogs, so that's usually a white family dog is a. Well, the white family, the whites like.

The German Shepherd's is one of them. Depends on income. The golden retriever. It is income. The whites like a golden retriever. That's a very white family dog. Yeah, well, it depends on, white families want a golden retriever. That's a very white family dog. Yeah, well it depends on who you're talking about. White families want a golden retriever.

But white women like useless dogs, like little tiny dogs. Yes, the tinier the dumber. The shih tzus and the. Love it. The idea of having a dog that you have to protect is so crazy to me. Right, because some people like the dog is the guard. Yeah, and what kills me is these hoes are like,

I don't want to date a man that's under six foot because I don't feel safe. And then you get a fucking dog that can't do shit for you. That's like a cat. That's a good point, dude. I like stupid, useless, tiny dogs. Really? I'm the worst.

But then lesbians like huskies. So there you go. Oh, is that a lesbian thing? That's a lesbian probe. Like a Subaru? Yeah. They like. They like Sudoros and huskies. Husk you go. Oh, is that a lesbian thing? That's a lesbian probe. Like a Subaru? Yeah. They like. They like Subarus and huskies.

Huskies or Subarus and dogbos. It's like you wanna go over the top and signal that you're lesbian, you just get a flannel shirt and a Subaru with a husky in the back. It's such a lesbian car. Wow. Lesbians just love four wheel drive.

Yeah. They love traction, you know what I mean? Cause that's all they got. I always thought that, I saw more Rottweilers with they got. I always thought that I saw more Rottweilers with black people. Yeah, I saw a lot of Rottweilers, a lot of Pitbulls. Yeah. That's an aggressive dog though, no?

Yeah, they can be. I mean, Pitbulls, a lot of people, you'll hear people say, they're not inherently aggressive and it's like, okay, yeah, you can train them to be more aggressive. It does seem like their nature is kind of aggressive. Well, the problem is just that, if they decide to be aggressive,

they gonna fuck you up. Yeah, yeah. They got incredible biforce, I don't know the numbers. I remember reading about this too, pit bulls. Yeah, pit bulls. Yeah, it's like if they just, one day just, remember the one, cause everybody thinks about that one video of the lady who, her pitbull just bit her fucking face

and then afterwards she was just crying like sorry. You know, it's like, okay so your pitbull is bipolar and if they decide to flip that switch, there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing. I know. I did see like, I remember, we knew somebody who had a beautiful Rottweiler rock wilder

You're not a rock wilder That was really well trained and yes It was a great dog. I don't think they inherently aggressive because they used to they're originally nanny dogs They were originally bred to protect babies really. Oh, yeah, that's nice. So I don't know You know well much like people right if you treat you abuse them enough, they'll become aggressive as well. Maybe dog- Or someone can just be retarded. Yeah, that's true. That's true.

I swear, man, I don't, I ain't gonna say his name, was this comic who I used to dog-sit for, cause I don't know if he want this business history, but they had a dog, like he had a dog that was, I think was literally autistic. Like, when I would was housing with this dog, this dog made me Google, can dogs be autistic? Because I'm sitting here, I spent the hours

with this motherfucker and I had to tell him, I'm like, dog, something's wrong with this dog mentally. And when you look it up, it's like, the people that have studied it say that they can be autistic, but there have been enough studies. But this dog was, this motherfucker would just, he would forget who you were.

Like you, basically watching him was every 20 minutes having to reestablish dominance. Cause he would try to bitch you up, nip at you. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. One comic, another comic was doing it in my place cause I had to do it one more time and the dog fucking bit him and ran off when he tried to walk him.

Really? Yeah, you gotta like dominate this dog. What breed of dog? He was a bull terrier. My cousin had a boxer that was, it was a little reary for sure because he would just walk in the hall and he would walk backwards like

And as he swing he would hit his head against the wall Yeah Yeah, something's up with this dog something wrong with that dog. Yeah, yeah for sure. It's got emotional problems Well, the more inbred they are too, you know You need a genetic diversity. Yeah, the more inbred they are too, you know. You need a genetic diversity. The pugs are fully like. The pugs are so stupid. Sweet though.

That's the most suffering dog. Yeah. I know. They can't breathe, can't sit right. No eyes. Eyes are fucking bulging and looking in different directions. They're so cute, though. They are cute.

God, I wish I could have 10 of them, I would. There's people that make having a pug their whole personality. Oh, cute. God, I wish I could have 10 of them, I would. There's people that make having a pug be a whole personality. Oh yes. Yeah, my mom had four. Oh man. Yeah. I know.

Is that a sign, does that mean something? I mean, I think she does better with animals and people. I think that's one of the signs. For sure. They can't, because they don't speak Spanish. Yeah, they don't speak Spanish. And yeah, I mean, there are people who are just, like you could tell they operate better

when they're just with animals. I do, I'm one of those broken toys, as David Tell would say. Yeah, I look forward, so my son has asthma so he can't get dogs really in the house until he outgrows it. I can't wait to get like five dogs when my kids leave and just like nap with dogs.

I love napping with dogs. I love waking up with a dog in my bed. There's no greater joy. And they smell, I like when they get old and their mouth smells all fishy and their paws smell. That's definitely a woman thing. Like having a dog in the bed is a no-no. Ooh, I love it.

Cause then you ever try to fuck a girl that has a dog in the bed is a no-no. Oh, I love it. Because then, you ever try to fuck a girl that has a dog? Well, I have. The dog will try to be, he'll be all sniffing you and licking you and shit. Yeah, and you have to wait till she's turned to kick it and everything. Right, exactly, and it's like, oh, no, because he thinks that's his bed.

He don't understand. Who are you? Where? Why you fucking in his spot. But you don't like animals sleeping with you? Have you ever had a lovely cat or dog? No, actually I have a cat and I love what my cat does. What my cat does is she comes in for the snuggle

when I lay down. Yeah, that's nice. But she's always gone when I wake up. Cause I move around a lot in my sleep. So like she's only there til I fall asleep. And then she takes off. I don't even know where she sleeps at. What's your cat's name?

Millie. That's a good name. Does she wake you up in the morning to feed her? No, no, she got automatic. Oh, that's smart. She got a bowl. Yeah, you can record a little voice in it and it's like, hey, fucking din din.

You know? And it calls her over? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's how you still, that's because the only way that you can even remotely kind of train a cat is for you to be associated with the food. Right.

So I want my voice to still be associated with the food even when I'm like going for a couple of days. So it plays it, it plays your voice. Yeah, it goes, hey, food. Yeah. And it's in my voice. That's adorable. That is cool.

Millie, how long have you had her? I had her for about four years, five years. I never would have pegged you as a cat guy. I'm not a cat guy. So then how did Millie come into your life? I love my cat. Fuck all the rest of them cats. I will drop, I have.

I have football punted other cats for fucker with my cat. Yeah, I don't give a fuck about them other people animals. I care about my animals. That's so true. It's how I feel about other people's kids. I don't give a fuck about my kids. animals. I care about my animals. It's so true. It's how I feel about other people's kids. I don't give a fuck about my kids. She chose me, you know what I mean?

Like you walk by all the fucking starving cats and sometimes they're one or more. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, this is the one right here. Is that what happened? Yeah. I mean, I found her on Craigslist. I think the lady lied about her story.

Yeah. What was her story? The story was. Her story. That she, Millie's a white cat, her brother's black. So already it's friction. But this lady got divorced and started fostering kittens. And when the other kittens came into the house, I guess her brother switched up

and started being with these street cats. Millie felt some kind of way about it. So then she hostile towards all cats, you know, and this lady was like, she won't, she won't like have to be peace in the house. So we keep her in the garage. So when I showed up, you know, she was in the garage with a little post,

it looked so pathetic. She's so good at looking pathetic. And then she, and when I walked out into the garage, she reached out and I was like, yeah, I'll take her. But that story's a lot. This is a street cat that you just thought was cute. Yeah. That's too bad.

Our first child, Fifo, our first love, that's Fifo up there with the six dog tits. That's exactly how I found him in a shelter in Downey, California. And I was in the pound and all the sad dogs were there and he just walked right up to the cage and just kinda looked at me and I go, that guy. And then they let you socialize with the dog

and I was sitting down on a bench and Fifo jumped up in my lap and he put his paws right on my chest. Right for the tits. Yeah, right for my tits, and I was like, you're my guy. You and me, dude, this is the guy. And that was it.

This is the love of my life with this dog. That was our soul dog. FIFO was our soul dog. This is my last pet. Like if something happened to her, that's a wrap. It's a wrap. I don't want no birds, worms, fish, nothing. It is a lot of work.

If you were a bird guy, it'd be perfect. Brian Simpson's got birds? Yeah. I wish you would get a new bird. Or a reptile guy. Those guys with lizards and snakes and shit. Cause I don't have the space. Cause you know what's so funny?

There's a lot of shit I thought I wasn't into until I could afford it. And now I'm like, maybe I am. Maybe I am a car guy. Yeah. You know what I mean? Welcome to the team. Like maybe I'm in, cause it was, cause when you, it's like, when you talk about it before, it's like fantasy. Yeah. Yeah.

It was like, who's in the boats? I don't know. Anybody has a boat. Yeah. It's like guys that can buy a boat are in the boats. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. That's so true. It's not even in your periphery. You can't even fathom it Yeah, I'm thinking about rabbits lately Wow. No, they're smart ones you can get cuz my kids not allergic to rabbits No, have you had a rabbit? Has anyone had a rabbit? I've been to a motherfuckers house that had a rabbit and just smell like a bro all day

But I want an animal, God, I love animals. But you got kids, that's not enough? I want two animals, it's enough. It's enough. It's enough, no it's enough. They fuck shit up. It's like having 10 dogs. One kid is having two dogs, two kids is having 10 dogs. They both came into my room when you were gone,

they came into the room, they were wearing underwear and goggles with hammers, and they go, where's the fucking Jeep? sold the Jeep I was like, huh? And they're like, where did you put the Jeep and they meant the little kid one that like a kid? One of theirs was broken. They're like you sold that we're gonna fix it And I was like, you don't know what the fuck are you doing? What are you talking about?

They have real hammers for real hammers and I was like it gone. And they're like, why would you sell our jeep? They're insane. I was like, back up out of here. What did you do with the jeep? It was broke. It was completely broken. Like, it just didn't work anymore. So we got rid of it.

And they're like, you sold it. But they want to take it apart and like, look at the engine and smash stuff. They like to smash shit and throw it over the fence. What do they think the real world would look like, Fortnite? Oh, Minecraft. They're just making it, they're gonna just beat on it.

They're in the side of the house. There's dirt and some rocks, and he's in there, it's just, I'm like, he's like, I'm mining. He's just hammering, yeah. So I couldn't deal with it. They'll do it for hours, dude. Can I say something? The destruction of our property, I've surrendered to it,

and I almost enjoy it, because it's just crazy. It's so punk rock. Like that part I like. The emotional torture of having kids is what's really tough. When they wear you, do they trigger you up? You're like, fuck. You mean like the kids are punk rock? I kind of like the destructiveness. It makes me laugh.

Like I can see the humor because I had like, well, that's what money's for. I'll just replace the door. Oh yeah. What are you going to do? I don't want meaning. I'm not happy about it. That's why poor moms are's what money's for. I'll just replace the door. Oh yeah. What are you gonna do? I don't want, meaning, I'm not happy about it. That's why poor moms are frustrated. That's right, but I'm not gonna stress out cause this is the one reason you have money.

Okay, fuck it. If I can throw money at this problem, it's not a problem. Great. I agree. I mean, it's not amazing. I don't like when they fuck shit up. I tell them, get your hands off my fucking car. Yeah, it looks like it.

And I put their hand, like, no, you've got hand prints everywhere. Get out of here. It's almost like, y'all don't have any excuses my mother had to stop your kids from fucking shit up. Y'all ain't waiting on no security deposit. No. You gonna make me lose my goddamn deposit. No, it is emotion, that's the emotion of it all.

Oh, we fucked up some deposits. They test you to your limits all the time. They're always trying to hurt themselves. Always. They don't realize like danger. Yeah, fuck each other up for real but sometimes you can't like you hear about sometimes you hear the scream or sometimes you turn the corner at a perfect moment and you see one of your sons going like Just like clock in the other one and you're like, huh? And then the other ones like hey and like they don't even respond the way you think they would. They just got punched and they're just rolling with it. God damn it.

Brothers fuck each other up. Yeah, bro, there's a whole generation, my whole generation, I'm pretty sure a large percentage of the people that's crippled now, it was from getting power-drived and power-bombed and shit. You know what I mean? Because when I was little, that was right at the end of when people, that was right before everybody

was 100% sure that wrestling wasn't real. You know what I mean? It was like back when niggas still thought Chinese people could fight, you know what I mean? Like everybody knew kung fu. And everybody was like, yo, I'm power bombing you, I'm Stoke-Holestun than you. Yeah.

Piledriver. Yeah, piledriver, I'm talking about for real, outside on the dirt. Piledriver, boom. Just like, because they saw it on TV. Yeah. I thought my little brother was changed forever when somebody piledrived him up.

Our neighbor kid piledrived him. Really? Yeah. And fucked him up? No, it didn't fuck him up at all. Oh. But I was like, yeah, but that was close, man. That was close.

It hurt. There was a time when everybody thought that every Asian guy knew Kung Fu, right? Oh yeah, people was like, fuck with that Chinese name. Right? Not just Kung Fu, but like Chi. Yeah, yeah. Like, yo, he could fucking hit you from over here.

Yeah. Yeah. They completely dropped the ball. That was a time where everyone was scared of China. Yeah, totally. Yeah, they could have just, they discovered it. We all got into ninja movies and shit too. We were like, they're all ninjas, man.

They all know that shit. Right on. We all thought they knew all the secrets. You thought that every Asian dude had Chinese throwing stars? Like, shh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and Bruce Lee was awesome

and banging white chicks and stuff. I don't know. Yeah, it all fell apart when wrestling did. When the illusion over wrestling fell off, that's when everybody was like, oh, don't know these guys got superpowers. And then the UFC kind of really killed that. Yeah, UFC was like, you want to see some real shit?

Right, right, this is people, because I'm like, why don't one of these masters come win this? This tournament. Remember early UFC when they would put like a high level Taekwondo, you know, he's like an instructor and they're like, this guy's like one of the best Taekwondo, and then they'd put him in there with a guy who just like kick boxes and grapples,

and that guy would beat the fuck out, and you'd see blood just like pouring out of his face. Cause now instead of racial, now it's like, instead of Asian people in Kung Fu, now it's just dudes with cauliflower ear and jujitsu. But it's true. Cauliflower ear is a real sign to watch yourself. Oh yeah, because that's a motherfucker that,

first of all, it means that they can deal with suffering. So even if you broke their fucking nose, that's not gonna be it. That's not it. And it means they can roll your ass up. Which is a scary fucking thing. Or it means they enter some real kinky shit. That has nothing to do with jujitsu.

Yeah, it's true. That's so true. True. Also first of all, congrats on the special. We haven't even seen that yet. Yes, congratulations. We've been watching, obviously, like we're huge fans of yours and we've been watching you like just develop your act

and your standup over the last, I mean I'm trying to remember when we first met you. Y'all met me in 2018. 2018. And man, look, you've gotten just, you were great when I first saw you, but you've just gotten so goddamn good, man. And so I'm really happy for you and for the special.

Blossomed. Yeah, yeah, this shit's awesome. Yeah. Yeah, man, like finally, like all this time waiting to put that motherfucker out. Yeah. I filmed it in August. Was it in August?

Wow. Yeah, and it was just a bunch of other, a bunch of shit going on so it couldn't come out. It wasn't gonna come out before the end of the year, before the beginning of the year. But just the final averages out there. Feels good, right? Oh yeah.

I watched it too many times where I started to hate it. Yeah. It's normal. So I was like, I just get it out. It was like being, it was like, it felt like I was like 10 months pregnant. You know what I mean? We were like, get this motherfucker out.

Yeah, you want it. After you're resigned to like, hey, it's shot, it's edited and you deal with the anxiety of getting the cut right, then you're just like, just fucking put it out, man. Let me be over, let this be over. Let's start again. Yeah, I guess that's the one downside to doing it on

Netflix versus like YouTube or something, is cause, you know, it doesn't come out till they won. They decide, yeah. That's really the only downside. They give you the date, and you're like, okay. This is your date. Yeah. But it was awesome, I was in the top 10 all week

till David Till came out. Well, fucking top 10 is legit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so maybe that means, I don't know what that means honestly. Hopefully, fucking top 10 is legit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So maybe that means, I don't know what that means, honestly. Hopefully it means more people buy tickets. That's what it's gonna mean. That's what it's gonna mean. Yeah, yeah.

You gotta give it a little breathing time to be out. Yeah, by the way, I have a whole new hour, by the way. I'm not even doing that. Yeah, of course, you're one of the smart ones. Yeah, yeah, so you come see me, it's not gonna be any of that stuff. Yeah, people always ask that too. Is it gonna be the same thing that we saw? Oh, right, right. No, yeah, so you come see me, it's not gonna be any of that stuff. Yeah, people always ask that too. Is it gonna be the same thing that we saw?

Oh, right, right. No, of course not. No, you fuck. No, it's not gonna be. How about this? Have you been dying to ride Seven Dwarfs Mind Train at Disney World's Magic Kingdom, but you weren't sure if you'd fit?

Seven Dwarfs Mind Train is a thrilling roller coaster that takes place in the Diamond Mine from Snow White. The line for this ride is always super long, but the queue is adorable and has plenty of fun things to do like sorting jewels like I'm doing here. I had a lot of fun with this one. Seats on this ride are unfortunately molded making them pretty narrow. Safety mechanism on this ride is a glide and lock lap bar. It does not need to get to a certain point to lock. That being said there are two metal sides to this lap bar that your legs need to be able to fit in between. As you can see

here it was a pretty tight squeeze. Deanna and I unfortunately were not very comfortable which we were pretty bummed about because this is a really fun ride. Deanna and I are sizes 3x and 2x. Despite being uncomfortable we would ride this ride again. But one of us who is a size 3x that is not worth being uncomfortable for. Those of us 4x and 5x are not able to ride this ride again. But one of us who is a size 3X that it's not worth being uncomfortable for. Those of us 4X and 5X are not able to ride this ride. So wait a minute. Yeah, she does.

Wait, she goes around the world and sees what she's too fat to do? And then she reports to other people, like, if you're this size, this is what it's like to ride this. Damn, I wonder if she tried just taking a survey first. And I'm just curious what what is what what is she multiplying when she say right to it She's a double XL triple XL large so it's two times large. She's asking what's the X? She says she a 2x right so two larges double large, right?

Is that what I'm saying like when you buy clothes, right? There's X, XL. So what does it mean, the XX? That's two larges. I think, but I think she's talking about, it's like her scale of like fatness. Wait, what do you not understand about 2X and 3X? Well, I'm trying to understand,

is that what you're asking is why is it X? What I'm saying is I don't think she referring to clothes size. You don't? No. I think she's saying, I think that's just her category of bickness. Like her own category?

Right. Not like a standard 2X? Yeah, cause women's clothes ain't always 2X. Y'all are like size something. I think it goes L, large XL, and then yeah, we have 2XL, 3XL. So what's like the size six and size 25 and all that? Those are normal people's sizes.

Yeah, like zero, two, four, six, eight, 10, 12, 14. I don't know when it goes up to them. But a 14 is like a large size, right? But that's what I'm saying, is that a two X? Is that a three X? Is there an equation for 14 to like XL? I don't know. Yeah, because I'm not that fat.

This is the wrong person to ask anything. But I'm sure there's a bunch of big bitches on her Discord that know what she talking about. You know what I'm talking about's a bunch of big bitches in her discord that know what she talking about. You know what I'm talking about? Yes. And by the way, there's a reason you can't fit into these rides. They're children's rides. Right, they're children's rides and they were made in 1989. Yeah, these are for kids.

Back when no one cared about fat people. Yeah. There was no accommodations. Y'all didn't count as handicapped. And they are, she's right, these are, the whole design of this park is for children. Kids, just like kids, are you nine and wanna have a fun day? Come here. That's what I'm saying,

you're saying it's not for two exes, but you're literally like 25 times the size of the person that's supposed to be riding. That's right. But I love this though, I love that they're doing this, cause I mean's this is helpful I mean how many people how many big people are trying to ride this ride though? No adults

But I don't know but she does it for other stuff Wait, can I tell you have you been dying to eat at steakhouse 71 at Disney's contemporary resort, but you weren't sure if you'd fit Hey everyone, we're plus-sized park hoppers and we range in sizes from 2x to 5x on this episode of if I fit size 6 We're eating at Steakhouse 71. This restaurant opened in 2021 and quickly became one of our favorites. The majority of the seating here is table seating, but they also have booths.

The chairs are a bit oddly shaped, but comfortable enough. Some of the chairs have arms, but you are welcome to swap them out if needed. As for the booths, it does look like the tables move, but you can always request a table if that's what you prefer. We've been lucky enough to try brunch lunch and dinner The menu here is pretty small but everything is delicious Ashley started out with a wedge salad Which was huge and yes, we do eat salad despite what some of you might say in our comments

Sarah got the petite fork and knife Caesar salad, which she really is covered in cheese This amazing French onion soup. Sarah gets this every time we come. Take a look at this cheese pull. Have you ever seen something so beautiful? For entrees Ashley got the prime rib sandwich. She thought it was good but the prime rib was a little dry. Katie got the best burger of her life and she was able to get it gluten free. This burger is what they're known for at lunch. Sarah, Deanna and I all got the steak frites. These were delicious and I love the chimichurri on top. We were too full for dessert this time, but we have had their creme brulee and chocolate cake

in the past and they are incredible. Look at that cake, fucking A, it's a piece of cake. This is our favorite restaurant in Disney property right now. Make sure you follow us for more plus size Disney content. Oh, so are they strictly Disney? I feel like that's a very niche audience you got there. No, there's Disney adult brand and they come in all sizes.

They're all weird fucks. They're all weird fucks, but this is just the fat niche. All Disney adults are weird. The Disney fetish is more disturbing than the, that's just funny, but that's helpful. It's like, hey, I'ma go be uncomfortable and fat so you don't have to, you know? So you don't have to?

Yeah, yeah. And I'll report to you how uncomfortably fat I was at this thing. Right. She said they range in size from one X to five X. Two X to five X. Oh, right, right, right, two X to five X. I mean, because of what? That's not, that can't can't be act so you saying because a 1x is what okay?

So he brought up the chart Josh. Let's look see I'm not sure I understand fat sizes either because I didn't understand so you're looking at this top row here Okay, so the women's like dress sizes, and then this goes up to 2x so an 18 to 20 is that is it equivalent to 2x? Oh, I thought it was multiplying else. So a 3x is going to be like 21 to 25 and then a 3x is going to be like 25 to 30 so that means 5x which they go to be like a size like 40 or 45. In US inches not in like European. Inches?

Yeah so that's what I'm saying. So you think, you think that- Isn't that an inch? Sorry, zero to, sorry. Because I'm thinking of like European sizes. It was like a size 40 in Europe. It's not the same as- Yeah, but I'm looking at this girl right here.

Listen, if she's a 2X on their scale, she's, that's already bigger than 45. Yeah, she's big as fuck. Yeah, those are inches. The bust. No, no, no, the inches are as fuck. Yeah, those are inches. The bust. No, no, no, the inches are below that. The top line is just the number size. The numeric size.

But that has nothing to do with inches. Yeah, you saying them titties only 46 inches around. No way. No way. If you wrapped it, the bust is when I wrap around your whole chest, right? I think it's from the nipples. Out to the furthest most titty meat, okay?

You saying this girl, she got a 37 inch waist and a 46 titties? No, no way. She's way bigger than that. So their scale must be something that's just to them. Yeah, they speak that language. Right, I never thought I would spend half the episode doing whole math, which uh.

You know what I'm saying? Fat math. Yeah, fat math. Yeah, this is different. Oh, but I appreciate these people, you know? Keep on being fat for others or whatever. Trying to make the world more comfortable for people. Yeah.

But isn't it too, like, I'm just thinking about the ride itself. If the ride is not meant to accommodate your weight, how are they letting them on because the physics of the ride get affected? No, that's a hazard. If it's a roller coaster or whatever, and you're not supposed to be I imagine

5XL, two 5XLers on there. I imagine these two women have won a few lawsuits. They probably know who they are when they come in, they be like, hey, we need the reinforced, cause they look like they gon' complain, like you can't, you ain't gon' be able to hit them with that, you can't, you wait too much. You know that like when they walk into

and you're the manager, you know, you see them and you go like, ah, like you sigh. Right. Because you know there's going to be demands immediately. Like, yeah. Is ever is, are, is this concrete reinforced? Is this, I mean, listen, are these seats drilled into the floor? Right. It's tough. It's tough. Cause I've seen, you know, I've seen, I've seen flight attendants get super uncomfortable when it's like, you know, when they gotta go get the extender. The seatbelt extension, yeah. Because it's like, it's a lose-lose.

Because if I don't give it to you immediately, your reaction will be, why the fuck, why the fuck you, I gotta ask for it. But if I wait for you, you know, if I bring it to you ahead of time, then the reaction will be, I don't need no fucking extender. What are you trying to say? Right, and then if you do it in you ahead of time, then the reaction would be, I don't need no fucking to stand up, what are you trying to say? Right, and then if you do it in front of everybody later,

it's like embarrassing to them, right? So it's like, how do you pick, you're supposed to be discreet, I guess. Everyone's getting bigger and the airplanes are getting smaller. Yeah. And it's a problem. This is, that's what their video should be like.

How do I fly? Like how much of my arm fat is on the other person's shoulder? God, I hated that. When you fly next to Fatso. You feel like this was somebody before? Oh yeah, yeah. Nah, but I don't do that no more. I just, we just touching.

We're touching. We just touching. Cause I ain't about to be uncomfortable. Nah, I'm not about to be, you know, then you get off and you know, your back hurt and shit cause you been lifting up a cheek though, you know what I mean? Nah, I'm not your back hurt and shit, because you've been lifting up a cheek, you know what I mean?

It's like, nah, I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not being uncomfortable. We just gonna be touching the whole time. God damn. Have you ever moved because somebody was, you ever request to move? No. Wow, Tom.

I did. That's great. I did. Because they were too fat. Yeah, yeah. I just, I told the flight attendant, I was like, I can't even, I can't sit here. Yeah. You could flip it and be like, I'm too big

to be beside this big one. Oh, you could do that, yeah. I was like, me and this fucking walrus can't sit next to each other. Was this back when you were huge? I was pretty big, yeah, but they were like extra big. That's my favorite thing is when a fat person gets upset at the fatness of another fat person.

Yeah, actually that was one of my most prideful feelings is that I would be like, I'm fat, but this person is so much fatter that I get to play not fat in this interaction. I watch people justify alcoholism that way. Yeah. Yeah. We're like, I go through a gallon of alcohol every day, but I'm not a drunk like fucking.

Oh, yeah. I didn't realize we were gonna be talking about Burt this much this episode. So no, that is a big thing that, I think that's a big human behavior thing. Do you know what I mean? Like when it comes to, like you're saying, if you're fat and someone's fatter.

Yeah, you love it. Then you go like, this is a problem. Like at least I'm not. Yeah, if you drink and someone drinks more, you're like, that's what a problem looks like. Of course, that's what I do. Every time I'm at a public pool, I'll be like, I look like, that's what a problem looks like. Yeah. That's what I do. Every time I'm at a public pool,

I'll be like, I look like shit, but I'm not that bad. Yeah. That's a fun one. I'm not that old. Then you go to a beach or a pool that has a lot of fit people, and you're like, what the fuck, man? Yeah, that's not good.

That was the shitty part about living in Southern California. So many good looking. It's everyone's, you know. Fit body. There's so many. So many. Austin has a lot of fit people. There's so many. So many. Austin has a lot of fit people. I feel like when you're in the city,

like what is it called, the green belt? You just see joggers. Yeah, they're fit joggers. I mean, the dudes are all shirtless jogging, the women are all in their tight leggings, everybody seems fit when you're out there. Right, I'm like, who's eating all the barbecue and shit? Right, yeah.

Yeah, cause it seems like Austin is an unusually fit city. It's an outdoor active city. But I'm pretty sure Texas also has like three of the fattest cities in the country. Houston's gotta be one of them. Yeah, Houston's definitely up there. Dallas. It's in the top 10.

I don't think Dallas is on the list. Houston's way fatter. Can you Google it, fattest cities in Texas? Yeah. Well, I will say, when I was on the flight to Canada, to Vancouver, I was like, dude, everybody's so tiny on this plane. Like the Canadians are tiny compared to us.

Multiple Texas cities ranked as the fattest. Yeah, this is wild. That's great. We'll scroll to the list though. Here we go. McAllen. Oh wow. San Antonio, congratulations. Dallas. Dallas, Houston, El Paso. McAllen. Oh wow. San Antonio, congratulations.

Dallas. Dallas, Houston, El Paso. Austin and Six. Austin, Round Rock. That's crazy. Well, Round Rock is outside of Austin. Oh, so these are like the areas within? Yeah.

The actual locations. Yeah, Round Rock is not proper Austin. No, no. So that would explain it. That's like mall Austin, like strip mall Austin. Yeah, that's not gentrified. And look at our score. Rating on a hundred point scale,

McAllen-Edenberg is 83. Austin's way down at 69.45. Oh yeah, McAllen is number one in the country. Is it? Because look, go up, see the number all the way on the right? Like Austin's number 56. Oh right, it's number one in the country. Right, these are look, go up, see the number all the way on the right? Like Austin's number 56. Oh right, it's number one in the country. Right, these are just the top six in Texas.

So Austin Round Rock is 56 in the country. That's not bad. Holy shit. But McAllen, Edinburgh, what is it about that town? Yeah, what's going on there? Maybe they have like the most chain restaurants or something? Why are they? Like maybe it's just the chilies next to a Whataburger next to maybe some very specific kind of Christianity there

Well, like eating is a big part of it. Oh, maybe they looked at 19 key metrics. It says My Calin Metro has the highest share of obese adults McAllen Metro has the highest share of obese adults 44.9 percent which is two and a half times higher than Asheville, North Carolina Also has the highest percentage of physically inactive adults 36 percent Two and almost two and a half times higher than Provo, Utah, which has the lowest rate The Texas sweet tea barbecue Texans who wouldn't want to be the fattest when there's so much delicious food? I like that positive spin on it. But yo, so wait a minute, are they saying almost half of all the adults in that city are obese? Obese and close, I mean you're getting close to half are physically

inaccurate. So they're stuffing themselves and sitting down. So is that like mecca for these women? Would they like, everyone has to eventually go to- They should open an amusement park there. McAllen, Texas. Yeah, they would just go to McAllen and be like, I don't know, everything here is normal. Yeah. It's fine. Yeah, it do it.

Yeah, everything fits. Cause it's just gotta be wide everything. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Oh yeah. And you're right, so I didn't even think about that. Brian, when you were like, Disneyland was built in what, 1946 or something?

Yeah, some crazy's or something. Starts, so people were much smaller back then. You know, yeah, I'm not first of all, I'm also not getting on no wooden rollercoaster. That's a thing. Past inspection. Oh, yeah. Well, they did all that crickety, the crickety sounds. Yeah. No, I'm good. It's not that it's not worth it. Have you got on any rollercoaster or no? Oh, no, I love rollercoaster. Oh, you do. OK.

Eventually, I'm going to go. I'm going to go on a little tour and I'm gonna try to go ride all of the top ones in the world. Really? That's a fun thing. To organize a tour around that would be fun as shit. And also you can make it so that if you advertise that,

that those parks coordinate with you and you get full VIP treatment and kind of, that could be a cool thing. Especially if you document some of it, you know? Oh yeah, yeah, that's a whole plan. That'd be a cool thing to do. Content. The roller coaster tour.

Yeah man, cause it's something that, it's something that like go back and forth with one another. Have you been to, what's like the shit as far as like parks in the States, you know? Like what is like the best one? Is there a Mecca of? I think the Bush Gardens is near New Jersey.

Oh really? Cause they, I think, I could be wrong, but I think they have a roller coaster that was number one for a long time and then Japan beat them. Oh yeah. Or something like that. But it's the same roller coaster,

it's just faster and bigger. So, I think it's the Busch Gardens near New Jersey or Six Flags, but it's like around,coaster, it's just faster and bigger. So, I think it's the Bush cars in New Jersey, or Six Flags, but it's like around, it's in New Jersey. Let me ask you something. Would you fart in front of your friends before a girl? Or would you fart in front of your girl before your friends? Which is like more normal to you? I fart in front of my friends before a girl.

Wow. Thank you. I mean, we all said that and then Eni's like, hell no, that's disrespectful. To your girl? Oh, to your friends? To your friends. Well yeah, I mean, I don't do either, but if I had to let one out in front of one of those groups.

Your friends. Your friends over your girl. Man, because I get furious when people make me smell their farts. You see? I will put you on my fucking car. This is what I'm saying? But some people think it's hilarious,

but I'm just like- They're white people. Come on, man. Come on now. I love how Eddie gets extra black about specific things. Yeah. Okay, he also doesn't like it when we're in the office. Yeah, that'll mean like here,

but like I'm near the front door, he's down the hall, and I fart and he looks at me and I wink at him. He fucking gets mad. You mean winking at him? No diddy, no diddy. You guys know people are saying no diddy now. I love that, I love that. It's a wasted movement.

We should have kept no homo meaning what it means. And no diddy should mean like. Cause no. Were you a fan of pause? No, I think it's all kind of silly. I think pause is kind of. But if you're gonna do it, no homo should be a third thing. I mean no ditty should be a third thing. Like a no sex trafficking?

Like no homo is when you say something gay, accidentally. So no ditty could be like when you accidentally sex traffic. Yeah. Yeah. Oh man, no, no, I'll just. No Diddy. I'm gonna separate you from your family. No Diddy.

No Diddy. No Diddy. Stay in this room till I get back. No Diddy. There you go. Right. No, we just did it. There's food on the floor.

No Diddy. It's not too late. We might penetrate culture with this episode. It could. It could. What do you think of did he's whole scandal? Man, I can't call it. You know, who the fuck knows? Cause they're not being very specific about it.

But I know that the Homeland Security don't do bi-coastal simultaneous raids. No, the feds don't raid cause they heard a rumor. That's not how they work. Right, like they coming for your ass. I think he fled the country. Oh, that's the rumor. Yeah, that's a rumor. That's not how they work. Right, like they coming for your ass. I think he fled the country, or that's the rumor. Yeah, that's the rumor, that part. I mean, his legal team put out a statement, which is to be expected.

Of course, innocent and we'll clear his name and all this and that. From Aruba. Yes, it's like. That's what innocent people do. I think he's been living a dark life though for a while. Yeah. Pretty, I think he's somebody who got very rich,

very powerful and pretty young and that that can change you in a lot of ways. Yeah, he's a psychopath. Yes. But, and that's the thing, that's why I'm not rushing to diddy's defense or anything like that. Yeah. Because I don't know him. I've only ever heard dark things. But and that's the thing that's like that's why I'm not I'm not rushing the diddy's defense or anything like that cuz I

Don't know like I've only ever heard dark things. Yeah, you know, so he guilty or something He guilty of some of that shit. Yeah Probably. Yeah. Yeah, so so we know what I don't understand these people jumping out the window They're like, oh they taking down another one of our heroes did he's never been my hero. I don't understand these people jumping out the window to be like, oh, they taking down another one of our heroes? Diddy's never been my hero. I don't know anyone that's ever said that. No, that's true. No one's really into that guy. No, who else was like, I want to be like Puff Daddy. Who's saying that?

No, I just think that he was, you know, he really, there was, I mean, there is that era in the 90s where Bad Boy was incredible. He has a tremendous impact on music and all of that, but he screwed a lot of people over. Yeah, and I mean, you see Mace talking about it. Finally. Mace was like, reparations are coming.

He seemed pretty happy, and that was a guy that was very obviously close to him for a long time. Yeah, but he didn't even found Jesus. Yeah. Man, they're going from murder mace to a preacher. Yeah. You did some crazy shit. But he's always been pretty vocal

about the fact that like, that he's not a good guy. Yeah, well, but who ever thought that though? Well, yeah. Yeah, so they about to take his ass to Pete Down. Yeah. And even if he's in some country with no extradition, they gonna get his ass. Well, yeah, they're gonna freeze your assets,

they're gonna fuck you over somehow yeah they gonna stop fucking with your family mm-hmm you know that big just make it show your son can't get a permit you know all that kind of shit what about usher they I saw something this morning about like didn't usher when he was a teenager spent like a year and did he's camp or some shit a lot of people that have actually yeah but I don't put all that creative, like people are like, everybody took a picture with the motherfucker's gay or something.

No, I don't think he's gay. But there's weird shit, like that clip with him and Justin Bieber, he's like, I could be not calling me back anymore. Oh my God. Bieber's 15, he's like, I've just been working and stuff. He's like, call me back, man. It's fucking weird, man.

Yeah, the show business is weird. It is weird, yeah. And Puff's a weird guy. You know what y'all lucky at though, is there's no me too for the women in power. You know? What do you mean? It's a lot of fucking women that do that same shit.

I would like to hear about them, because we were talking about it earlier. It seems like it's all dudes. It's mostly dudes. Where are the psycho women that do that same shit. I would like to hear about them, because we were talking about it earlier. It seems like it's all dudes. It's mostly dudes. Where are the psycho women that are, you know, peeing on men and sexually trafficking and doing all these awful things? Well, men aren't reporting about it.

They taking the back. Sign me up. I'd like to hear it. Puffy not pissing on you, he not pissing on you for free. Like, he gonna get you something. Right, he makes you famous, right? Like, he'll make your career. I'm curious, I'd love to hear about it.

So a man would take that piss and be quiet. Because no one cares. Like it's not like other men ain't gonna film after you. That's a good point. Well that's so true because Drake Bell, this Nickelodeon scandal too, if you guys have seen that, about these, so dark. Anyway, Drake Bell was sexually assaulted by a producer

on Nickelodeon, on a Nickelodeon show, and he wouldn't come forward and talk about it because he was so ashamed because of what you're talking about, this masculine thing of like, it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. Yeah, because men's reaction to that is like, why the fuck would you have done that? As opposed to- As a kid though.

You let her, you let, because you'll get empathy from women. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, like, you'll get empathy from women. Yeah, yeah, like remember Terry Crews? When he was like, the dude grabbed his dick at one of these parties, right? And it's like, women were the ones that were like, oh, that shouldn't happen. And most dudes were like, you let a nigga grab your dick

at a party. Right, like that's gonna be men's reaction to it and everybody's biggest fear is for other men to see you as less manly. That's so true. It doesn't matter if women are coming to you, hey, other men gonna be like, you're a bitch. Yeah, that's true, cause Corey Feldman

was coming out like a decade earlier talking about in show business and how he and Corey Haim were literally taken to bring parties and like passed around. And you know, but they were like young teenage boys So maybe that's what it is. Like you should have known or you should it's like yeah, but there's just there men's reaction So it's like why aren't you fighting back right? But they don't they don't think about the moment and like yeah What what what it's like for that person in that situation at that age?

Well kid teenagers are different I think I think people have sympathy for them, even though, but they might not think that. Terry was thinking, it was a combination of like, the shock of the moment, and he also was like, thinking about what happens if me, this big jack dude, just starts beating a guy's ass. Oh yeah, they'll destroy you. Yeah, so he was like, I couldn't react the way

you think you would react in that moment. Yeah, also, it's gonna probably cost you. Yes. It's not gonna cost anybody. Yeah, your life is ruined, because people are gonna not believe you and call you a liar and this and that, I bet. Oh yeah.

I mean, think about how many people are also gonna go down connected to the Diddy thing. Oh my gosh, there's already talk that he's connected to the Diddy thing. Oh my gosh. There's already talk that he's connected to Michael Jackson somehow, as your Candace Owens was saying. Like the security guard is the same one that was there when Michael Jackson died and covered up. Yeah, it's the whole thing.

Candace Owens always on some bullshit. I know, she's always, but I like watching her. She makes me, she's entertaining. Her and Megyn Kelly, I like the conservative broads. Oh Jesus. They say crazy shit, just because you're like, they're just interesting. They're saying crazy shit.

They're very, she's- There's no good lefty saying crazy shit. She's a great speaker. I do miss when the left was crazier. I know. But the left are doing the crazy shit. I know. They all crazy to me. I know. But the left are doing the crazy shit. I know. They all crazy to me.

I know. I don't root for none of these motherfuckers. These politics, they all crooked. Will you vote? Will you vote in the election? I don't even know, man. I don't even know if I'll, I don't see what the point is.

Cause part of me, like the comedian in me wants to watch it all burn. You know? Cause I don't believe in, I don't believe in us. I don't believe humanity is gonna get it together. Like if the solution to a problem is we can destroy something, we on top of that.

What did I do? Did I just knock something over? I don't know. I thought I heard something dump. But if the solution is we all gotta work together and look out for each other, that's not gonna happen. It's not gonna happen, no. No, so what's the-

No, everybody's self-serving. Everybody will do whatever benefits them. Yeah. And they're such, no one goes like, I wanna take care of the larger party here. Wait, who's it gonna be? Is it gonna be Trump and who? And Biden.

Maybe Biden. Biden. Yeah, unless they- And Biden survives that long. It might be Kamala Harris, who knows? No, seriously, they might swap it out in the summer. Seriously. Seriously. When you get to the Democratic convention, there's a-

Kamala? There's a probability that they could go, he can no longer run. But they don't seem to be building up anybody in particular. Not that I've paid that much attention. I think they couldn't put Kamala in. But also, I don't know what Biden's gonna do. You know, people are like, oh, Trump might destroy democracy.

And I'm like, yeah, but why is that a bad thing? Cause we're just scared of what will be after that. But who knows maybe we'll invent something better. Maybe you need to burn it down before you create something better. Like have we ever let fascism just play out? You know what I'm saying? Not here. Like let it finish.

I don't know. I mean because I feel like I'm hitting my stride. I'm successful right at the point where like I got a good like 30 years of enjoying it and I'm a dime right as you know, you're going to have to start wearing a gas mask outside and shit. The fish are going to look weird. It's like, you'll take this wherever it goes. I don't even care.

I'm not having children. I'm not leaving nothing behind. What about your cat? What about Millie? Yeah, what about? Don't die before me You know that cats live a long time. This is my last pet. I really think it's a wrap I really think is a wrap. Well, this is a perfect time. Yeah. Oh Would you like to give some advice? Here why don't you read this my way the way, also, tune into my podcast, BS with Brian Simpson.

It's available on all platforms. BS with Brian Simpson. The advice champ. All right, here we go, advice champ. I have a real boner of a predicament that I think only you guys can help me with. Me and my big titted monster are thinking of getting into the content game

to make a couple extra bucks, but we are struggling to come up with the right angle. Weave, really just me, narrowed it down to two genres. Farts or feets? Feets. She's a Nubian queen above 18, so I know we have a shot at capturing the hearts of pale pink white nerds with a black fetish.

Do you think there's more of a market in the foot finger game or letting my old battle acts of a wife let them rip after a heavy meat dinner? Any advice you can give would be much appreciated. Jesus bro, I think this is. He's asking what's gonna be more lucrative. Yeah, I think it's obvious. Why you can't do both?

Wow. Wow, this is why we break the binary. Wow, break the binary. Wow. We break the binary. The fart feet mistress. Is that against the terms of service? No, it's not. And no one even, why are you making it one or the other? Yeah, so poor.

Right, you do feet videos and then you offer to sell the farts in a jar till you're hired to your people. Nailed it. That's why you're a good business man, Brian. Yeah, that's what I do. This is why you're here. I mean, Brian. Yeah, that's what I do. This is why you're here. I mean, obviously I think you should start with feet first,

but feet first and then get into your, but yeah, why are you limiting yourself? Yeah, feet to me seems easier because you don't need to watch what you eat. There's not a lot of production, right? Because far down you have to eat, get a plan. Get a good camera, some good lighting. It's different scenarios, you can take requests.

So I want you to step in, whipped cream, whatever. Do all that. And it's not fucking with you then, fiber levels. Yeah, and then at the end of the shoot, she's like, hey, there's one in the chamber, you can record. Exactly, the farts seem like more opportunity, more opportunistic chance.

I think also, I mean, I'm guessing here, but I think the fart people, they're smaller than the feet people. Most definitely. For sure. But they might be willing to spend more. Definitely. You know what I mean? Yeah. Cause you can find,

everyone will show you their feet or sell it, but if someone's like, I want your farts, and you go, well, this is fucking 150 bucks. I think that they're like that. 150 per fart into a mason jar? Someone's like I want your farts and you go well this fucking 150 bucks. I think that they're like that 150 I don't fart into a Also, bro, you you make a video of the fart Yeah, you get you you buy a bunch of fucking mason jars you get you a day gone pressurized canister or methane

And you feel it or something that smells like farts, and you just fill up you rub it in the jar It's an authentic Brian. What you talking about. I want it to smell exactly what I requested you eat. Only if the secret comes out. We ain't doing this all over the place being sloppy like Puff Daddy. But then you have a transport problem. You got a FedEx. Can you send farts in the mail?

Is that legal? Yeah, people do it. Yeah, you can do that. Well, you can't send body fluids, I know that. It's just air. Yeah, throwing thimbles of body fluids, I know that. It's just air. Yeah, throwing thimbles or bath water, all that shit. It's just the sweet smell of the air that came out of her. Listen, I would do it.

If you die tomorrow, I gotta feed our kids. Farts and feet. I can't work, farts and feet. But also just know that most people on OnlyFans ain't making that much money. Yeah. You think so? Yeah.

Yeah, the top girls make a lot of money, but there's so many people doing it. Yeah, most people so? Yeah Yeah, the top the top girls make a lot of money, but but there's so many people doing it Yeah, most people doing like you make it, you know, very very real a little This one is definitely for you. I cannot wait for your thought on this. Okay, I Thought you might enjoy to hear that. My dog is a racist Last year my partner and I moved in together and decided to get a dog We both love small dogs. so we went for a, is it Dachshund, is that how you say it?

Yeah, Dachshund. Now these dogs are notorious barkers, but a few months into owning her, we were telling people about how lucky we are that our dog is relaxed and rarely makes any noise. However, recently we've noticed she's become reactive to certain people. She only barks at black people and literally nobody else.

It's become a real issue, especially because we are both white as hell. Let me confirm, neither of us are racist and have black friends, which is why this has been such a shock. What really tupped us off was the other day driving with our dog in the car. She became completely irate and barking uncontrollably,

seemingly at nothing. Then we saw it. A large billboard with a black family on it. Oh my God. Now that- Even a billboard? Now that our dog's racism is conclusive, please call, can all the mommies out there give us advice

on how to best train this Gestapo dog to normal behavior? Thank you, Sam. I don't know. Well, okay. First of all, I feel like dogs pick up on their owner's energy. One of y'all uncomfortable around black people. Just because you don't qualify it as racism

don't mean you ain't racist. Maybe like their energy shifts, right? Like a black guy walks in and they tense up. But also, but the way you have to, you know, I think whenever that happens, you gotta separate, you gotta put them in a room, like separate them from the pack. Yeah, because you gotta send the signal that,

you have to, because what they want is to be a part of everything. So you have to send the signal that like, separate them from the pack is like, that's a negative reinforcement. I think they need to take this dog to like very black atmospheres. You know what I mean?

To like really, like they have to immerse the dog in black culture. That's a really good idea. They should go to barbecues, they should go to, you know what I mean? Like go to a barbershop, just fucking sit there. Just play the whole Roots discography in their dog house. Do it nonstop. I think they just need to be immersed in black culture.

But that could have the opposite effect. Does the dog just like, ah, ah, like the whole time? But they can't go crazy. Eventually they'll tire themselves out barking. Yeah. Right? Did they say what kind of dog it was? Dachshund, Dachshund.

Oh, Dachshund. They're little wiener dogs. Oh, those are not a threat. Oh yeah, just, why don't you just stay at your black friend's house for overnight? Yeah, or like a week or a month, and then that'll stop. These so-called black friends that don't make you uncomfortable at all.

Yeah. So maybe the dog was harmed by a black person prior to being owned by these white people, because maybe that happened too. We don't know where the dog came from. I had a dog that hated UPS workers every time. The Elvis would bark at the UPS guy. But that's normal because-

That is. It invades their territory. People that deliver stuff, they bring in other animal scents and shit because they go to every house. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's normal for dogs and shit to bark at them. Is this another one?

Mm-hmm. Oh, there's one more. Okay. I see. Oh, Jesus Christ. Dog is the bucket down. Is this another one? Mm-hmm. Oh, there's one more. Okay. I see. Oh, Jesus Christ. Dog is racist, wow. I love your show and level-headed advice you give. I hope you read this email

because I really need your advice. I'm a 31-year-old woman. I've been with my live-in boyfriend for almost six years. We do not have any kids, and we'd want to someday. We both have great jobs and good disposable income. Everything is peaceful, and I'm happy. However, recently his lesbian sister and her wife asked if we can donate his sperm to them

so they can have a baby with their features, with her features and her wife's features. They will artificially inseminate the sperm to the sister's wife. They told him they will raise the baby with a careful language wording that my BF helped with with conceiving him her Zimzer whatever it is They also told him they will not be legally and financially responsible the baby Which is dubious money isn't an issue although this is more about the relationship boundaries and family dynamics

I like his sister and her wife and excited about the prospects of them having kids But I don't want my boyfriend to give them his jizz. I don't want my boyfriend to give away his jizz because we don't even have kids yet. I want to have kids first before he starts giving them kids away. Just not okay with him being an uncle daddy and having my future kids play second fiddle to his sister's baby. Is it selfish of me to not allow my boyfriend to share his jizz with his sister's wife?

Am I being unreasonable or closed-minded? Gene. See, I was on Gene's side for most of that letter, but at the end she revealed herself to be a fucking psycho. Yeah? Yeah, it's not a competition. Oh, the competition part, yeah. That's very ego-driven.

Yeah, she's more concerned about having one first, before the sister. And it's like, start, why don't you take it in loads? Just do it then. For six years? You can just do it. Yeah. I think my first thing I would say to them is like,

you're saying that you don't have kids and you definitely do want kids and you're financially in a position to have kids, just have the fucking kid then. Well, hold on. I, as a woman, I see the protectiveness over the boyfriend's jizz like imagine if You gave your sister your jizz before you gave me your jizz. I believe you like your sister better than me

I would feel a little slight Yeah, but I would feel slighted but if you rank that on the scale of all the other things that I've done with my jizz Hmm, that's like the highest. That's the highest form. I usually just throw it away. Yes. I usually throw it away. But you're making a person bright. But I do think, look, you can either have the conversation where you go, I don't wanna do this,

I don't want you to have it first, I think it makes me uncomfortable, I'd rather you keep blah, blah, blah. And then it creates this kind of, this tension, right? And then people are gonna be upset at your request. Or you can do it, you know what? Let's just have our baby now. And then you kind of put them on the back burner

because you're like, well, we're actually having a kid right now. Yeah, yeah, you do that. And then you can get your kid, you can be first. And then if after that you feel like it's okay for him to donate Then you decide then other because also what might happen is they have their own kid Yeah, you're not gonna want it and then you go I don't want

You to have another kid over here. Also. Also you say no, right? I'm not giving my sister my sperm Ask pops ask your father Yeah, ask your dad for his gins. Right, but I'm not trying to, but then you know what, but no, because that's not you, right? Right. Because they're the offspring, so he shares more DNA. She's half dad, half mom,

if you just get it from the dad, it's not gonna be half you. Right. I mean, what does the boyfriend want? We don't even know what he wants. We don't know that. I don't know, man, but listen, babe, you know, part of being lesbian,

you know, you get a dog or you get a sperm donor. But it's weird to ask your sibling for their gist. Yeah, because it puts that guy in a really compromising, it's not a win, it's a no win. But I mean, also, but here's the other thing too, it's like, y'all ain't married. I don't know if you get to tell him what to do with his gist. It's a great point. Yeah's no win. But I mean also, but here's the other thing too, it's like y'all ain't married. I don't know if you get to tell him what to do with his jizz.

It's a great point. Yeah, they're not even like family yet. It's a very different conversation. Right? You're my boyfriend is different than this my husband. Yeah, I don't think you have sale with your boyfriend's sisters. True, it's not legal yet.

Yeah, this is all weird, but I would say no. I would, that solves the whole problem. But I mean, imagine explaining that to your children that you produce with your brother's jizz. Like, oh yeah, you're, that's too complicated. The biggest point in this is that we don't know how he feels. That's a big, big factor.

Because he might be like, I definitely want them to have this. Or he might be like, I'm uncomfortable with this. It depends on how much I believe in their relationship. Because the truth is, you can't legally tell somebody that they aren't gonna be financially responsible. I know. Because the child support is the baby's right.

I also think a big factor is does his lesbian sister's wife is she open to him having sex with her? Because that would make a big sway to me. That would definitely change the whole dynamic. If she's like, I'm gay, I don't like dicks, I'd be like, this is how you get it. And are they hot? Are these hot lesbians or are they ugly? Are these weight lifting lesbians

or are these fucking lipstick lesbians? Right, right. Yeah, one of them's lipstick for sure. Hopefully it's the fucking wife, not his sister. He's like, all right, listen, I'm gonna have to fuck you. I know you're my sister. Or are you gonna be creative with it? Like take the egg from the girlfriend,

take the sperm from the brother, but the sister carries the baby. Yeah. Oh wow, that's fucking weird, dude. Yeah. Now your sister's pregnant with your baby. Yo, is that even legal? That's totally legal.

I don't think. Is it? I don't think, I'm sure it's happened. It's probably happened. Fuck. Cause you know, cause somebody in the lesbian relationship might have like the girl with the with the good eggs Might not have right childbearing hips or big enough titties or whatever. Mm-hmm big enough titties. Yeah That's not a hindrance to get No, but I'm saying like there's gonna be more milk for the baby. It's gonna be like she's more suited to carry a baby. Yeah, that's right.

Big old titties. Right, right. That's true. I'm a huge old girl. Your tits were huge. Yeah. I realize we've known you a while and so many people have sat where you sat

and I don't think you and I have ever played Tom or Black. No, we haven't. Wow! We haven't. I don't think so. Would you like to play now? Let's go. Let's go.

Oh, let me keep score. Josh, you You keep score to cuz I'm not great at this So I'm guessing this is this is you or black person yes, okay, let's this episode Shit man, that's Tom Segura, but he was a for real grimy nigga You think I give a fuck about a motherfucking red light? Bagot cop can't touch me And my head smoking weed and speeding All that, dog. Fuck that, that's me I put trademark on your fucking ass It's time for Tom or Black Niggas, I'm not joking

Alright, here we go I like that you're focused, I can tell that he's focused Yeah, he's really dialed in I'm a win Alright, here we go. I left a wallet there. That's Tom. Don't compliment that bitch. Black.

Just real direct, he doesn't even need Yeah, no hesitation. Repetitions or anything. Fuck with my ass, man. Black. That's cricket right there! Tom. Man, he's...

God damn it! Black. Why, he came through Tom what's going on here mmm say it one more again what's going on here

mmm that's tough black ayayay black ayayay ayayay That's tough. Black. Ayayay! That's Mexican. So.

He said ayayay. Play it one more time. Ayayay! Tom. We gon' ride the lake! Tom. We gonna ride the lane! Tom. You didn't come to the product! Black.

Tom World coming up the top row! Tom. You got a McDonald's nigga How many is that so how many total? 12. OK, we're good. What's the score? You did really well. You only got, I think you got one wrong. No, he got two wrong.

OK. Two out of, you got two wrong out of 12. And for the record, the last one was Brian Simpson himself, which is why we were laughing. And you guessed correctly, it was a black eye. Would you like to know which ones you got incorrect? Yeah, I know which ones. Go ahead.

It was the two hard ones. Which one? Go ahead. I can't. That was a ayayay. That was the first one you got wrong. Oh, that was Tom? That was, you said it was Tom.

You said it was Mexican, and then you said Tom. Oh, and it's a black eye. It's a black eye. OK. Yeah. Ayayay! That guy. It's a black guy. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. Aye-aye-aye! That's, what's his name, Uncle Shine?

And then he got one other one. And then nine, 10, which was the 10? Wait, this one? Tomo, coming up the top rope! You said black. That was Tom. Wow, that sounded like some of y'all Jackson. Thank you.

You know, it's crazy, I'm pretty sure I got that wrong too. Wow. Thank you very much. By the way, thank you very much. I wanted to say thank you very much everybody. So is that some kind of record? That's really good. That's really good.

We've had, by the way, we have had a black guy. Who was the guy? Sidney Castillo. He got O for 10. Wow. O for 10. And then Miss Pat, she only got like one wrong. Yeah, she did really well too.

She was really good. You did really good though. You did really well. I was really wrong. Yeah, she did really well too. She was really good. You did really good though. I was really good. Yeah, but you got everyone wrong. Well, I know Tom and I know my black people. Yeah, you do. You do. Yo, what's this about?

That right there? Parosus, oh yeah, I missed this party. Yeah, you missed the party, bro. Yeah, I was on the road. That's our new, do you like vodka? I do. Wheat based, it's better. Why is it better? It is more flavorful. It's not gluten-free. It doesn't have it is gluten-free, but it doesn't have

Like when you have corn based ones, it has kind of like that Like sour that's a little like more kick to it. This wheat stuff is where it's at buddy Okay made here in Texas In Texas, Texas made. Okay. And very smooth, you don't get that wince. You know when you drink vodka and you're like. Tom just dove straight into the pitch, I love this.

Oh, hey. It's great. That's yours. Thank you brother. Thank you. This is good. Thank you, gimme my reward. Do we have this at the mothership? If we don't, it's on its way, I promise.

All right, I'ma fuck with it. Thank you very much. Thank promise. All right, I'ma fuck with it. Thank you very much. Thank you. All right, so. I want all the cum. Live from the mothership, Brian Simpson's new special is streaming on Netflix. He's absolutely fucking hilarious.

If you haven't watched it, watch it. If you haven't seen him live, it's one of the best shows you'll go to. Check out BS. With Brian Simpson. BS with Brian Simpson, anywhere you can download podcasts and watch them. Anything else?

Also, I'm going to be in Utah on April 12th and 13th. I'm being at Tacoma, Washington on April 26th and 27th. And I'm gonna be at the Comedy Store for the Netflix is a Joke Festival on May 7th. Perfect. And you can go find us at BrianSupportComedy.com or go to my social and click on the link, BSComedie. So May 7th see Brian, May 8th see me,

and then May 9th see Tom. There we go. Get the full week. We're all there. Full LA. And so is every comedian that's ever lived here will all be in Los Angeles that week. Goodness gracious.

And we're all competing together. It's fun. Alright, well thanks for coming buddy. Always good to see you. Congratulations on the special. Thank you, nice to meet you. I love you too. Wow! I want you to fuck me, fuck Mike. Eat this fat ass right! Fuck me, fuck Mike. Eat this fat ass right!

Fuck me, fuck Mike. Eat this fat ass right! Fuck me, fuck Mike. Yo, fuck me, I'm a gay, so Excuse me? I'm talking to him, I'm not talking to you! Yeah, now! Fuck me, fuck Mike.

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