Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Episode 58 Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

This episode begins with a mommy meltdown in the mommy dome courtesy of Ustream, which nearly causes Tom to murder Blueban. Soon after, the jeans are back on and up! The mommies discuss a general disdain for Nancy Grace, their recent travel stories, a REAL TALK segment featuring gypsies, Fill Her Up/Seal Her Shut, Would You Rather and much more! Oh Mommy!

And we are rolling once again. We made it, you guys. Sorry, I had to take a bad dump, so. And how'd it go? Was it good? You know what? It's been bountiful, plentiful the last couple of days, because I was on the road and I was eating not some good things.

And I made poop soup when I got home yesterday, ate a few bowls of that. That always kick starts it. That'll do it, right? It was brutal, dude. I'm glad you weren't here for most of it yesterday, because it was like I burned down the house. It's burning down the house talking head style.

Yeah, well, I'm happy to hear that those dumps are still kicking, you know? Thanks, babe. I really appreciate that. This is the story of my life, right? It's not the story of your life. You know how you zone out all the time? You zone out and it'll be like, Tom, did you even hear me?

And you're like, yeah. To be fair. All right. And then you bite your nails and you get all weird. Could you? And then you see your thoughts. That's how I know, because you're thinking about something else. You can't because you just, yeah, there's a fucking you stream.

I don't know what just happened, but you stream put a watermark that fades in and out. Oh, those jerk offs. I don't know how I did that. We got to figure that out. Can they not see it, though? Does it hinder people's ability to watch us? I mean, it's just weird. It doesn't just it's just weird.

All right. So sorry that guys, we got a. Some to think about fucker, one to grow on for the next one. Unless you want me to keep talking while you figure this out. It's just so goddamn annoying. Like I didn't realize like why. What, boo boo, what can you do to solve this? Do you know it's just stupid?

I clicked on the upgrade thing. I'm trying to upgrade so that our wonderful viewers don't have to see ads. You have to buy the website, apparently. Just to buy you stream. Yeah. And that way they'll never see any. How much is you stream? It's just like one point six million dollars, I think.

Million or billion? Maybe like 11, like billions, 11,000,000,000,000 gazillion galerisms. Thanks. Not only is there the watermark on the video. Jesus, man. What in the fuck? What, babe? I just don't want this to be happening like this.

This is so fucking lame. Do you want to pause and try to figure it out? No, I don't want to figure it out. Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to I'm going to log off of of you stream. This is so fucking gay. And then, babe, don't say gay. Todd Glass is gay and he doesn't want us to say that.

Jesus, why did you have to fucking say that? Well, because he told us not to say that. I know, but you don't have to bring it up like that. I know, I just did that because it was funny. OK. Don't say gay anymore. Fucking fuck you, you stream. Oh, babe.

But I put what I'm saying is I put Upgrade. I've you did it, you're saying you did the work and then they didn't do their end of the deal. Yeah, that's fucking lame. You know what, that's going to be the problem with this video and this one. I'm not going to fucking do that right now. Don't do it right now.

No, no, sorry. No, we got to do guys. We're sorry. We're going to have to power through this one. It's fucking horrible, man. We're recording again. Are we? We just had a meltdown, Tom and I.

We're going to go to San Francisco and find the Ustream headquarters. This fucking sucks, man. It just fucking sucks. I know, babe. They have this is just the dumbest thing where you pay for the producer pro line and then they throw ads at everybody.

So I go, I don't want to have ads. So I hit the Upgrade thing and it says, this is what an upgrade would look like. Here's a watermark because you haven't purchased it. Well, how do I purchase it then? Enter your serial serial number. I enter the serial number. You already made a purchase.

You must have a unique serial. Because they want you to purchase a different thing. I know, but then I don't look. There's two other upgrades. So which one is the one that I need? I don't know. One of them is a hundred and one of them is 350. Which one do I need to get?

I don't know. That's what I don't know. We don't know, guys. We're going to figure it out eventually. Whatever. For now, there's no watermark. So we've got. The watermark's gone.

It's just you're going to have to endure some ads for now. However, goddamn, often there's ads. Promise we'll fix it eventually, you guys. Can you, are you all right, Tommy? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. You think you can go on? Yes.

Yes, yes. Do you want a cookie? We're all good. I have a cookie if you want it. No, I'm good. I'm good. Let's continue. Eating helps me and my feelings go away.

So we already did our ad stuff, our Amazon and Gamefly stuff. And now, oh, yes, live dates. I'm going to be in Louisville this week. The Louisville Improv in Louisville, can. Tucky, do you know who's from Louisville? Top Dog. Top Dog's from Louisville. He's from the Ville.

The Wiped Down Theater. Some people like to talk about Muhammad Ali being from Louisville, but I actually think that Top Dog's a bigger deal. I think so too. I think our listeners agree. Top Dog from the Ville. I'm going to be in his hometown. So I'm excited about that.

And let's see, where are you going to be this week? Guys, I'm home for two weeks, thank you Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, almighty. But at the end of the month, I will be in the Brea Improv. Last week in May, it's like May 30th through June 1st or something like that. Come see me if you're in Brea. Other than that, this mommy is home,

is playing with Blue Band. I'm just breaking cookies. I got hanging out, man. I have, let's see, after Louisville, I go to San Diego next week for the American Comedy Company week, and I'm doing with Kyle Kanane. I've never heard of him.

Kyle Kanane, this is so bizarre to me. We are co-headlining, which is so weird, only because like, well, I headline all these places online. Yeah, but then Kyle, Kyle's like fucking famous. Like, Kyle doesn't need to go headline at all. And they're putting us together. Which, you know what I'm looking for? I don't have to do an hour a night.

I can just do it like. That's right. That's great. Cut your time down, my man. But, and then the next week, New York City, I'm very excited to do a Gotham Comedy Club in New York. I know, it'll be fun. Really exciting.

Full charge, full charge, right? Full charge, the Concierge is working with me. Oh snap. And Gotham, this is something that's crazy. What time? We have our live podcast. That's right. Next week, it's gonna be at the John Lovitz Comedy Club.

The tickets are on sale. You can find the tickets at johnlovitzcomedyclub.com. I think we've also tweeted them a bunch. Yeah, buddy. You can find it on our site. But we're really excited to do a live podcast. That's gonna be fun. It will be next Wednesday, the 23rd.

23rd. What time is it, like seven or eight o'clock? I believe it's 8 p.m., 23rd at Lovitz. We're gonna have multiple people stop in to say hello and join us. But it'll be really fun to do it live and have an audience there. So please, if you're in the greater Los Angeles area,

please consider getting tickets to come and see us do our thing live. The last thing, before we start the show, we, you guys have been so supportive on Ustream, excuse me, on iTunes. Those of you who listen on iTunes, please, if you have listened there, and that's where you regularly listen,

please subscribe so you get it automatically in your little iTunes inbox every episode. Please rate and review and star. It only takes a brief moment. And then you get, it helps us out. It helps the podcast to be rated and reviewed and starred in all that shit. Yeah, I think your knuckle's bleeding.

Is it? Yeah, it's a little bloody looking today. I went to the... Oh, because you're a killer. I hit the... You're a crasher. The heavy bag? Don't brag.

Look at that shit. Why are you bragging? It's gonna fucking face everybody. All right, are you ready to do this? I'm ready to do it. Let's party. I just want everybody to know that I love Nancy Grace.

She gave me and Coppercava autograph book of her 12th victim, but she's on it every night two or three times. And she's got about all the murders that are taking place and all the child abductions. And you can learn a lot if you learn to listen to Nancy Grace, you people out in internet land.

Nancy Grace is the thing to watch and be a rally if you're into politics. I have to have my teeth in when I talk about Bill O'Reilly, because people won't listen to you if you're toothless. Now you know they won't listen to you if you're toothless. I mean, I don't understand the internet really. I don't understand all this.

I don't really know what the hell I'm doing. But anyway, I just want to tell everybody that I love Nancy Grace and to watch her. This shit is big time. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segurat's mom's suit suit.

Christina Pajitzi, Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. What do you think of that shit? You need to have your teeth in or people don't need them. That's fantastic. Nancy Grace is the devil, man. That is a, I hate her so much.

Oh, I know. And I got to give a credit or credit to a listener sent that video. So great, right? It's a gem. You got to see it. You got to watch her. It's amazing.

She definitely does not have teeth in and she definitely really loves Nancy Grace. That's so, I was wondering who the hell watches that piece of shit? She fucking sucks balls. She's the worst. I fucking hate Nancy Grace. You know what though?

I had a friend that worked on a Jerry Springer show. He was, she was a producer and she said that the vast majority of guests on the Jerry Springer show had no teeth. Yeah, I believe that. And they had to give them, you know, like flippers, like on toddlers and tiaras. They give them like fake.

Yeah, just to be, you can't be on TV with no teeth. Dude, you got to put teeth in. That's rule number one, dude. You can't be on Springer with toothless. Nobody's on TV that's toothless. This lady's out of her mind too. No, you can't, you shouldn't go, you should look. If you're going to be on TV, always have,

if you can't, I understand if you can't get new, get clean and pressed clothing, like you want to look, you know, you want to look decent for clothing, like for television, get a haircut. Always have nice hair for TV. And then third, have teeth. Always have teeth when you're doing television. It's very important.

Nancy Grace, and then that little girl was kidnapped and that little girl, and I'm a lawyer. Now Nancy Grace was a lawyer one time. I think she was, I think she's been both a defense attorney and a pro, I think she's been both. But I don't buy, I don't like the overly self-righteous people who even if it's regarding the, you know, crime and criminals, which obviously everybody's against

people being horrible, violent criminals. When she goes on, when she gets on her, you know, her fucking shoe box, whatever it is. It's not a shoe box, isn't it? It's in a called a cake box. No, it's a soap box. So, no, no, no. It's a soap box.

It's a, it's a hand box. It's a doula box. When she gets on her hand box and she stacks like three hand boxes up together and she says, look at my hands. Look at the hands. Look at my hands. Everybody.

No, but she does, I don't, that false like, and it's like, oh, the idea that we're supposed to be impressed that you're against murder, when she's like, this guy, this kidnap, this child, you should rot in hell. I was like, yeah, we know. We already, and we all feel that way, asshole. You're not doing anything fucking special.

You don't have a special skill. You can go fuck yourself. She's not reinventing the wheel. Go work at Ustream, you dumb cunt. She is the worst. She feeds on that mom, mother's fears. I don't buy that shit at all. And it also, it feeds into a lot of motherhood fears,

I think, of your own child being kidnapped. Could you imagine? And I know that's why every soccer mom is watching that. Of course, I know. Speaking of law school, by the way, I would like to mention that my letter came from my loan. This is exciting. Yeah, that my two week mistake of going to law school

cost me $6,000. Six grand for two weeks there. That's it, two weeks. I know, and that's like, I returned all the books. That's just two weeks of tuition for law school. She cost me six grand. I just paid off the loan this month. I got the letter in the mail yesterday

and I'm fucking freezy out of law school. Yep, yep. Biggest, best mistake of my life, best thing was dropping out. Do you smell this fucking cunt's food next door? Yes, I fucking do. I can hear her, meh, meh, meh, meh. What is she, is she watching Nancy Grace in there?

She probably is. She's the fucking worst also. Oh, she's the she-devil. Today's a day of just fucking hating everybody. I just absolutely cannot stand this woman. Yeah, I know. She always has some fucking tire being cooked with, you know.

The tire? Yeah, with like dead- Like, who eats tires? Is that Oscar the Grouch or like Popeye? Wasn't there a cartoon character that eats tires? She is the fucking, was that Oscar the Grouch who did that? I don't know. He lives in a trash can.

No, she's, I can hear her right now. She's like talking to somebody. I know, it's always- I got you that miracle ear so we could spy on her. I tried using the miracle. I got Tommy. No, it stops. I think I can hear her.

I can hear her. Oh, yeah! Oh, there she goes. There she goes. Yep, yep, that's her. She's got her friend over. She always, she likes to turn it up. She likes people to know.

She's a screamer. Sometimes I think she leans against the wall. Just, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I think if she's in the back of the room, she goes, I think I need to, you know, go up there and then. There she goes. I like this song.

Work, work, work, work. My mama, work your mommy line. It's a good song. Done, done, done, done, done, done, done. Work your mommy line. Done. I love you, I love you so much. I love you so much.

I need you so bad. Oh, God. You know what? It's the best. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I got by you. I got by you.

I got by you, I got by you, I got by you, I got by you. What, filming with Cobb? I don't know. What's she saying? Something. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Jesus. All right. Oh, that was nice. That's our neighbor. Did I tell you what I did yesterday? I'm not proud of it.

What'd you do? You know how I got you that miracle ear? What, what baby? I just saw something real, real bad. Oh, pornography? No. Well, stop looking at pornography. I'm not looking at pornography.

In front of our listeners. I'm not looking at anything like that. Can I tell you what I did? Just a lady taking a shit. Babe, I don't want to see that blue band. Go ahead. So I was doing the dishes, you know, and next door to us, there's like AA meetings.

Mm-hmm. And I got Tommy this miracle ear. No, but I always try to overhear, because you know they confess shit that they've done? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And I always try to overhear the AA meeting. I like when they clap and stuff. Like it makes me happy to hear,

oh look, they're clapping for each other. And I put on the miracle ear yesterday, and I like totally leaned to the window to see if I could hear like their horror stories. Like I stole my baby for crap. Yeah, yeah. I totally couldn't hear him. Couldn't hear anything?

No. But maybe I'll go over there one day and be like, oh yeah, I've got a problem with cookies. I'm a cookie at it. You know, you could just, you don't have to say anything. You could just walk over there and just stand there. There's so many people at that one. Oh yeah, you're right.

You could just stand there. Do you want to go over one night? Sure. It's not, you don't have to say anything? Not at all. That's voluntary. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay.

I kind of want to hear like what do they talk about and stuff. Yeah, it's all, it's going to be really sad fucking stories. I mean, some of it will be like, I'm really proud of myself. Thank you for scratching your balls in front of. Some of it will be like, you know, it's great. You just showered.

Why is it so itchy right now? Hair. Hair doesn't, it grows weird, you know? So how was, It's so gross of you. How was Denver? That was so aggressive how you scratch just now. Yeah, how was Denver?

It was like you finger bang yourself. You fingered your asshole. I know, it's really, it was my taint. Dude, Denver was awesome. I met so many mommies. I met Joe the janitor. That's her Twitter handle. I can't remember her real name right now.

And she and her husband made t-shirts of us and sat in the front row and I almost lost my love. Those are amazing. I tweeted them. If you go to, also if you go to Facebook slash your mom's house, your mom's podcast, how is it on Facebook? Oh for fuck, I don't know.

Your mom's house, I think. No. I tweeted it too. It's your mom's house podcast. Yeah. Yeah, if you go there, you can see the fucking, it's the best shirts ever. So what she did is she made one of me

and it says mommy gerbils. And it's got like my mouth open with like chocolate smeared on my teeth and it's in red. And then there's one of you and Bert Kreischer as a couple of gay bears. And I forgot what it said on that one, but that was so awesome. I was like, I almost shit my pants off on stage.

Facebook.com, your mom's house podcast. It's so good. It's so fucking awesome. It should be up there. And it's also like on our personal Facebook pages. Yeah, I'll put it on the website too, under mommy mail. Yeah, it's amazing.

Because it's so good. He made a real two bears in a cave, crazy t-shirt and then the mommy gerbils one. Big fucking shout out to that. It's so funny. Thank you so much. How was the actual show? Okay, the shows were great.

I met a lot of mommies, which I've always loved. When you come and you say hi to me, it makes my night because it just means that you guys are awesome and I love it. Okay, okay, okay. But I had the worst MC of all time. Oh no. On Mother's Day of all days.

This is the best. I mean, bad meaning, good, good meaning. You know what I'm saying. Just like disaster. So he gets up. This is how this guy opens a show on Sunday, on Mother's Day. He goes, happy Mother's Day, motherfuckers. And I'm in the back.

Just like, really? Did you just fuck in? And then he starts telling like horrendous shit and dick. And then who wants to see a picture of this vibrator I found in the street? And then he holds up his iPhone. It's a picture of a dildo and he holds it up to this old black woman in the audience

and they're all just horrified. What is it? It's a picture of a dick? It's a dildo that he ran over in the street, apparently. And anyway, he horrifies the audience for 10. And I haven't seen a guy bomb this hard. Since like open mic at the coffee house 10 years ago. He ate such a bag of dicks.

And then he comes up to me and he's like, I was like, great job, man. Cause we were Latin, the feature act and I were just dying. And he's like, oh shit, I forgot to do this joke. Did I do this joke about a six dicks? And I'm like, no, man, you did enough. I think you did enough. You did enough is the best thing that you could ever say

to somebody when they say like, did I do my rape shit yet? And you're like, no, but you did enough. You did plenty, my man. What you did was it already, they know it's in there. Damn it. They know it's in the arsenal, just hang on to it. I mean, you can horrify crowds once you learn how to do that.

He was just too young of a comic to know how. You can horrify people once they know you. Of course. And then you can talk about whatever you want. Or you can just horrify them if your point is such an interesting or like, it's like a truth revealing point. So you can be horrifying, but if what you're saying,

you keep digging through it and it's either really revealing of a truth, like there's some honesty to it, or it's just so flat out, like it's undeniably funny. So it's gross, but the picture you paint is so funny that they can't deny. Right, right. And they have to trust you too.

They have to know who you are a little bit. You can't just be like, have Mother's Day, motherfuckers. Here's my dick, suck on my, you know, you're like, what are you doing? It was amazing. I had a really fucking funny thing happen. What? Well, we decided, well, first of all, do you have my phone?

Cause I can, I think I can play this. Oh yeah, here. You can try to hook up this video for everybody. So what happened was, Thursday was the worst show I've been a part of in years. I've never seen anything like it. I mean, literally in my professional career, I haven't seen, I've done, you know, you do privates.

I've done corporate events. I did a corporate a few years ago for like a home builders association disaster. Shit like that. I've had obviously club shows where you're like, I wish that would have gone better. Or you're like, you know, the first 20 minutes suck, but then it picked up or the first 20 minutes were good.

And then it went downhill, blah, blah. This was just like front to back of fucking zero. Shit stacked on shit. It was terrible. It was so bad that when there were people, there were some people were like, that was funny. Like I like that. And I was like, yeah.

And then I almost said, what are you doing later this week? Because I want you to come back and see how it should go. You know what I mean? Like I was about to invite them be like, what are all your names? I'm going to put you on the guest list for Saturday. So anyways, that was a shit show. Then like Friday first show was okay.

The second show was great. And then Saturday was great. So we ended up having a lot of fun. And I was working with Tommy Reiman. This is really funny comic from Minneapolis. And Taylor, God damn it. What's your, Taylor Connolly, I think is his name. Out of Boston was the emcee.

So for Sunday, I was like, it's mother's day. There's not going to be a lot of people there. Let's just do something to make ourselves laugh. So first I asked, well, I asked the announcer, like the guy that does the announcements to add a little something, a little flavor to the announcements. And he was like, what do you want me to say?

And I was like, just say this and we'll get, it'll be fun. And then you'll make me laugh. And then I tell the emcee, I want you to open with this. And he was like, okay, so let me see if, I think I can get this to play through the system. So I'm going to connect something to this. Let's see if this works.

Okay, hold on one second. I'll try this. Sorry guys. Don't hate my husband for this. He's going to screw this up. What? Oh, you can hear me? I don't know, you can still hear me.

Okay. Oh God. I can't imagine he knows what the fuck he's doing. Oh, here it goes. Let's see. He's going to. Oh. Oh, how do you call the restaurant?

Here's what's ahead of us about tonight. At this time, please note the two words that will hit the front rear of the showroom. Turn to the end of the room and see the police or city's locations. At this time, please say yourselves close to the off or higher position. Talking, heckling, and texting,

I couldn't have any time for the show. Please note that cameras recorded devices are not allowed at this time. Now, make us more times late. I got you much less better than that. We're on some fucking stands today, ready for your turn. Yeah. He did it.

Puss it, puss it, puss it. I want some puss it. You dared him to do that. Yeah, that was my, that was for my own amusement. That's great. I got the announcer guy. Am I on? Am I everything good here?

Yeah, I can do it. I got him to say, come on, your mom's in the fucking stands. You can do it better than that. And then I got the MC to say, pussy, pussy, pussy, I want some pussy. How come your MC, I try to get them to say shit all the time and they never do. And then my guy goes out there and says happy Mother's Day,

Motherfucker, it's without even me having to ask. Well, it's so funny that you told me that when you said that to me because what happened was after, so I established that, oh, then I established for Tommy, we decided, Tommy, the comic from Minneapolis, he does a bit about like scat, jazz, yeah. And he ends up, like the bits basically that like the scat came from somebody who stutters.

And he does a thing where he stutters and it's really funny and then he has like a punchline. I'm not gonna do his whole bit, but he stutters for like 10 seconds and I was like stutter for at least 30 seconds. Like so. So it gets like really long, but then it's gonna be like funny again.

And then, so he did it and it killed, like it killed because he made it like awkward and then funny again. And then when he did the punchline, it really killed. So everybody agreed to that. And I was like, what should I say? And then they were like, you should say, are you motherfucking mothers ready to do this? So like that was should be your first line.

So I was like, all right. So what I also added to it, I was like, how about I'll dance onto the stage? Like I'll get up and I'll actually dance onto stage. And they were like, yeah, definitely dance on the stage. So I came out, danced. And I was expecting because like when he said, pussy, pussy, pussy, I want some pussy.

They were like, huh? Which is always the best that I first got Brooks Robinson to do that in Minneapolis. And they were like, what? Like they don't know what's going on. And they kind of reacted like that. Although he added a tag to it that was pretty funny. Taylor said like, pussy, pussy, pussy, I want some pussy.

That's what I say when I go to the pet store. Right? So he got himself like kind of out of it, you know? But they were still like, that's a weird opening line. When I said, are you motherfucking mothers ready to do this? They applauded so loudly. Like they were like, this is the show. Like they were like, that's who we've been waiting for.

Maybe that should be your opener forever. I don't think, like this weekend I should try it? Yeah, try it every week. Are you motherfucking mothers? And I'll say mothers every Sunday. That'll be it. Happy Mother's Day. That's how I'll open every Sunday show.

And I'm gonna try to go every week. This is what I'm gonna do. Every week now I'm gonna try to get my MC on Sunday to open with pussy, pussy, pussy, I want some pussy. Yeah. Well, little known fact you guys in the comedy world, Sunday shows are kind of a throwaway to us comedians. Truth be told, cause you know,

the main event was Friday and Saturday, two shows on both nights. So come Sunday, you're just beat. Like you're just tired. And so that's when you actually see the real should happen cause comics will work out new things and we're trying to entertain ourselves. That's actually, I think one of the best nights

to come see a comic is Sunday. Oh, I think that's the best. Cause you're gonna be, you don't give a fuck at all. It's even better when there's like a hundred or less. Yeah. Like 60 people, you're gonna see the most authentic, probably funniest show of the week. And they usually are my best show of the week.

And they're usually the ones where I'm like, I just gotta get the fuck out of here. Like I'm just like, dude, you can light me a 20 if you want. I wanna get out of here. That's what I always say. But then you like it. Then you enjoy it and you do your longest set. Yeah.

Cause it's intimate. Like this time I had a lot of older black women in the audience and I was talking about. Okay. Yeah. Okay. They're the best. Cause black audiences, they tend to chatter back to you,

which is when you first start doing them, you're like, why are they fucking talking? And then you realize they're talking to you. Yeah. So I talked about my mom, which I don't really do much cause she's crazy, like literally crazy. But I started talking about my mother and this black woman in the front was like,

all right, that's some real shit. Okay, that's your personal story. And I was like, oh, that's so cute. Like it totally, I wanted to like hug her, you know? Cause she was like an old mommy type. So what are you looking at now? That's fucking, what? I can't focus on this.

I need to look at you because we're having a thing. We're having a moment. I know, but just keep talking, man. But I can't cause I know you're not paying attention. I am paying attention. I'm paying attention to the other 10 things. Just fucking keep talking, man. Oh, I was thinking of saying, oh my God.

And the first thing that happened to me in the history of Santa in my career ever. What was it? Ever. And I'm talking, I've done shit holes in Florida. I've done a fucking hibachi grill restaurants. This is the first in my comedy career. They didn't pick us up.

They, me and the feature act, Michael Malone, who's a really funny guy out of Indianapolis. He lives in Atlanta now. We're waiting in the lobby. He's supposed to be picked up 630. They didn't pick you up. 645. No, nobody came.

Seven, which is when the show started. Still nobody. 705. The guy runs up and I was like, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm like, you, you didn't notice like the feature and the headliner are nowhere to be found. It was one of those things where you're like, I can't fucking believe this happened.

What did, what did they say? He's like, oh, I'm sorry. I was in my office. I just, I didn't, I didn't even notice the time. Blah, blah, blah. I'm like, you got to be shitting me. Cause usually they're worried that comics are passed out drunk.

Yeah. Not picking up the headliner is definitely a big problem. That's definitely not good. It's never happened in my life. They usually want you there early. Like we got to make sure you're in the building. You know, God forbid. Cause the MC can't do more than 10 minutes.

Usually. Yeah. No, no. He's not going to stretch that much longer. And that kid. Oh my God. There's no way. No. That guy that was like, who wants to look at my dick?

I got to shove this cock down my throat. Happy mother's day. Cock suckers. I'm like, how did they react to that when he did that? Mortified. I literally, I've never seen an audience. It was the best thing I'd ever seen. I never like mouths open and those black women in the front

were like, oh no. Oh no. Oh no. He's crazy. No, they. Okay. Yeah. They don't call me a motherfucker on Mother's Day.

Totally. I bet they were saying that. Who the fuck just called me a motherfucker on Mother's Day? And they turned to each other. Like they, you know, they turned away from the stage and fully ignored him. It was the best thing. That's what I had a table of black women,

all big fat black women at a show this week that were like hollering and hooting. And then when I said something like real nasty, I forget what I said. I said something just really dirty. And I don't remember what, which part it was, but it was something really like graphic, like maybe porn related.

Oh really? That's weird. You don't usually. I know. But then I saw them all just went like, and then I went, you guys just got upset. And then they started laughing cause they were like totally in disapproval of it.

It's really funny cause they do, they'll show you that disapproval like. They'll show you disapproval but they'll also show you supreme approval. Of course it's, you get both ends of it. Yeah, it's the fucking, it's the best thing. And there are guys in Cleveland, I remember, this one guy who dressed like a total pimp juice,

like white on white suit. And he came up after me after the show, the guy had a gun on him. Get a gun on him? Turns out he was a marshal or something, or sheriff or some shit, I don't know. I was like, you gotta be shitting. What's up, pimp juice?

Yeah, he was, and I made fun of him too. I called him a pimp. And they all like, I love that one. Anyways, that was it. That was the week in shows. I'm glad to be home. Jesus. But it was good, it was all right.

I did the most fun thing, one of the most fun things I've ever, you know, you have to do things on the road to amuse yourself. So Tommy and I, you know, we walked around, we did stupid shit, walked into, you know, we go get coffee and go to lunch, you just did whatever's walking distance.

Well, here's what you do, actually. Whoever's picking you up and driving around goes, well, right near your hotel, there's a mall, and we've got an IHOP in there, and you have to act like it's the most amazing thing you've ever heard. Or in my case, there's no car, so no one's picking you up for anything.

So you just walk to what's next door. So we walk to the strip mall next door, and we're just like, all right, and then we walk into Casual Mail XL. I've only ever seen those. Casual Mail XL is where- I've never been in it. Enormous men shop.

And enormous in many regards. It's if you're 500 pounds you shopped there, if you are 6'10", and you're, you know, you don't have to be obese, but you're just huge. You're just a tall guy, yeah. Or you could be just a fucking Viking built guy where you can't buy shit at regular stores. And then it's, yeah, it's for the super obese,

it's for tall, it's for you. So we walk in there, and there's nobody in the store. I would say you're not a Casual Mail, if you're extra large. Oh, I know. If you're more of a standout mail, it's a weird name. It should be like, everybody notices you mail. Yeah, you're not Casual Mail. Nudge the person next to you, XL.

Because I've never seen a person this big in my life. Yeah, you're a beast. So we walk in there, and to give you, just to give you like, like the, you know, sizes. I'm six feet tall, and I weigh about 240, okay? I wear an XL usually, a shirt, and a 38 inch pants. Yeah, I need to lose like 40 pounds, okay. Tommy Ryman is five eight, and a maybe, maybe,

I don't know if he weighs 160. So he is a, obviously a slim build, like very slim. Not an ounce of fat on the guy. We walk in the Casual Mail XL, and we're like, let's just look at this shit, man. We go in, and there's two sales ladies that are just in their late 40s, early 50s. The kind of retail ladies you see at every department store.

So they're like, how you guys doing? I'm like, good, good. So where's your biggest stuff? And she was like, well, there's some at that back, on that clearance table over there. There's some seven X's. Seven. Seven X's.

Is that the biggest? That's what they, they have it, and they can order 10X, 9X and 10X, but in the store they had some 7X. And I was like, okay, I go, so you get, what's like the biggest guys you see in here? And they're like, oh, there's some really big guys. And then they go, you know,

we see such big guys all the time that you guys actually look normal to us right now. And I was like, because she thought that we were huge guys, but that she couldn't just, she couldn't see it. Oh, right, right. Do you understand? Like she thought that we walked in and we were shopping there because we're huge guys

and we need huge things. But she was like, we're so used to seeing so big that you guys don't even look huge. Like you guys actually look like normal guys, not like, and we wanted to be like, yeah, we are. But she was like, I was like, yeah, okay, so we need to look at that stuff. And they were very friendly.

And then we go and we put on, I make Tommy put on the 7X, I take a picture of him. Oh, did you? Yeah, I tweeted those. Yeah, so it's already, he looks like he's swimming in it. They looked like dresses. It's the best. And then what happens was like,

they were really friendly until they saw us taking pictures of each other in the clothes. And then as we were walking out, I was like, hey, thanks. And they were like, yeah. And I left my jacket. So I walked out and I go, oh, shit left my jacket. So I walked back in, I was like, hey, I left my jacket. And they didn't say shit to me.

They were like, but the idea that they see such big people that they were like, you guys are, you know. You guys are like normal sized, right? Actually we are. She made it like a point. She was like, you wouldn't believe it. You guys look like regular sized people. Like in her head, there was no way a regular sized person

would come in there and be like, hey, is there any way? It would be like working at like a little people clothing store. And so when someone normal sized walked in, you're like, you guys are really little. You guys are tall little people. Like she has no frame of reference. She had no frame of reference until she saw us mocking him.

Like that's the only thing. And I told Tommy that like, it would be great if we went back the next day and had him keep trying on stuff, but keep asking for mediums. Like don't you guys have like a medium or something that I can try this in? They're like, no, we only have huge shit.

And he's like, I like this, but I just want to meet you. I'm surprised they don't have more casual mail type stores because people are getting bigger and bigger every year, you know what I was thinking is like, I don't even mean like the fat aspect of it. Like you realize it like, like there's some places where I go to buy a shirt. I'll try on their biggest shirt

and it'll be like an XL or something. Yeah, it's just not big enough. And I'll be like, oh, what's the next? And they're like, that's it. Well, like that time we were shopping for your last TV appearance. But that's for me. So imagine a guy, not even like obese.

I'm just saying like a dude who's let's say not even close to humongous, but let's say he's like six, three, six, four. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like just built word. He can't buy anything anywhere. Yeah, I know. He can't buy like Chuck, our friend Chuck.

Yeah, he's a big old bitch. I mean, he's six, five. He's probably two, 85. He's not like hanging off of himself. Like, you know, like the biggest guy in the world. He's just like- And he's not fat. He's just a big-

He's a big old dude. He's built like a fucking truck. He can't buy clothes at the places. Like I've bought clothes. No, man. He can't do that shit. No, that's so funny, dude. You know, I've never been into,

I've never been into a casual male and I've never been into a Bass Pro shop. Oh, you're missing out. And I know there was one in the fucking mall that I was at. You know what I did do though? They also have those seven X shirts at Bass Pro, I think. No, we don't, really. Like Camo.

What I did do for the first time ever, me and Michael Malone went over to, just to look at the country town buffet. How was that? Have you ever fucking been inside of one on a Sunday? No. Dude, it looked like the DMV with like just disgusting military food.

It was so fucking gross. The waitress was like, you can take a walk through if you like. And we're like, all right. And it was just kids and morbidly obese people everywhere. And the food looked so fucking disgusting. Like I couldn't run out of there fast enough. And we ran across the street to IHOP,

which was a delight actually. When's the last time you ate IHOP? So my country town buffet looked really gross? Holy fuck. Why did it look so gross? It looked like, literally, I've had better food in Afghanistan when I was over there. The troops are eating better food

than what's at the country town buffet. I'm pretty sure, yeah. Yeah. They get like lobster night once a month. But IHOP, I love IHOP. That's not great. And you know what they have a menu that's like 600 calories. So you don't go out of there

eating like the whole fucking place. Really? Yeah, man, it was good. I didn't mind it. They have like turkey bacon and all this shit. So you don't come out of there like a total pig. That's not bad. It was exciting.

I was excited. I saw The Avengers with Ari Shafir. I saw The Avengers. I saw The Avengers with my buddy Matt Stowe in a... Such a name-dropper. I know. In a... I hung out with Ari Shafir.

He's a bigger name than... Matt? The Matt's, I mean, our listeners know. They know who Ari is. I know. Fucking prick. And then... Wow.

Wait until he hears that. Maybe he'll get stuck in his dumb beard. His beard's unruly right now. I saw a photo of it. It's crazy. I had to eat with him with that beard. I'm doing his storytelling show. Good smells.

Coming up in like a week. Yeah. So what? I'm friends with Ari too. I'll probably see him. Well, I saw The Avengers. What'd you think of The Avengers? I liked it, man.

I'm a huge fan of the Hulk. So I see all the Hulk's movies. I see all of his movies. I thought he stole the show, frankly. And I loved the character of the Iron Man. Robert Downey does an impeccable job. He's so good at that. I liked it.

I thought they could have whittled down some of the action scenes. Yeah. They could have edited it. It's a little fucking elaborate, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it was cool.

I liked 3D, man. I almost shit my pants G-times because it was so like crazy to watch a movie. Like we saw an IMAX 3D. Yeah. So it was fucking super overstimulating. I saw a 3D, I didn't see IMAX 3D, Jesus. Yeah.

I mean, that's really overstimulating, yeah. It's a bit much, right? Yeah. I wanted to fucking kill myself. Good God. Halfway through it was a little facile. Oh, can I just tell you like the fucking, how goddamn, Direct TV, how fucking much they?

Fuck Direct TV. You stream, who do we hate more? You stream or Direct TV? Right now I hate you stream the most. But Direct TV is getting up there. Those fucking cunts, this is what they did. They went and last, no, it was like a May 5th. Cinco de Mayo.

Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Mayo is a humongous fight, Mayweather Kodo. Right, so I go, I wanna get Mayweather Kodo fight. I'm gonna have some buddies over, watch the fight, and have a few drinks to do what fucking people do. Right? Right. So it's the day of the fight, the morning of the fight.

I call Direct TV and I go, hey, because I know, what happens is when you get married, like you take some people who were the primary on something, you just carry it over, right? Like you got a Direct TV account, I did it go, all right, we carry yours. So your name is like the primary name on the account, right? And then like I'm the primary name on the cell phone

and other, so that's just, but it's like whatever, that's what people do when they get married, they're like, well, add my person. Yeah, we just, we combine shit, yeah. So I call and they're like, what's the primary number? Yeah. Your number. Yeah, don't give it out right now.

God, Tommy. I know, I just said, that's why I said I get your number. Damn shit, Blanca, don't give out my phone number. I'm not gonna give out your number, Blanca. So I go, they go, are we speaking to- Christina? No, they go, they go to her husband, I'm like, yeah. And then they're like, are you Tom?

And I was like, yes. They're like, how can we help you? And I'm like, I wanna order a Kodo Mayweather fight. And they're like, okay. Do you wanna just order it right now? We can do that. And there's just like a service charge of like eight bucks or something for doing it.

And I go, well, I've ordered movies before just on texting and I can't use that. And they're like, yeah. And they go, and then there's no fee at all. Wait, wait. So the person that you're talking to already can order it for you, but it costs $8. Right, she's saying, I'll just put it through right now.

But it'll be like an extra. The fight's like 70 bucks. So they're like, do you wanna just make it 78? And I'm like, no. I go, I've ordered movies just by texting. And she's like, yeah. And I go, but can I text it from my phone? And I give her my phone number.

And she's like, oh, no, no. There's only one phone number per account. And I go, oh, I know. Can you add my number to the account? And she was like, no. There can only be one number. No, we can't, you guys, we can't do that. We can only pay our bills from our iPhone.

We can see outer space from our iPhones, but we can't add another phone number to the direct TV. Yeah, like you can't have a second phone number on your direct TV account. No, there's only one number allowed. I was like, I go, so I would have to take her number away to add mine, yes. And it doesn't make any sense.

So then what do I have to do? I have to call you and say, well, you text, here's all the information, whatever. It's the dumbest fucking thing. You can have two phone numbers. You can have eight phone numbers added to anybody's account for any business. Whatever fucking thing you are,

your gas bill, your water bill, anything you could be like, here's my number. People usually say, can we add seven phone numbers in case we can never get in touch with you? Yeah, I know. Can we get your work line? Can we get a fax number for you? Can we get this and that?

And you're like, all right, yeah, here's all the numbers. Just just direct TV. We can't do it. We can't fucking add it. They're the worst. They're so stupid. Everybody I talk to there is dumber than the motherfucker before.

Did you have someone that was actually intelligent? Dude. Or were they just totally? She was all right. And it wasn't like when we ordered the movie we tried to watch. And when we ordered the movie, so on the pay-per-view screen,

there's the HD and the standard def and we want an HD one and it says 1030. But we've also ordered them before where whatever time you order a movie, it'll just start playing. So we call and on speaker phone, thank God there's a witness to this. We go like, hey, we want to watch this movie.

If we order it, do we have to wait till 1030 or we'll just start playing? She goes, no, it just starts playing. Like you just watch the movie. Just start watching it, yeah. And I was like, great. So then like we start going like, okay, well that's what we want to do.

And then she's like, all right, so just wait till 1030. And we're like, wait a minute. You just said that we don't have to wait till 1030. You just said you can watch the movie. Now with this one, this one you gotta wait till 1030. It's like, bitch, you just said that shit. You know what kills me about the service industry like that is that that's the front of the company.

That's who everybody talks to in your company. So you think you would pay those people well, find really smart, affable folks to help the general public and that way you don't enrage everybody that pays. And we pay quite a penny for this fucking cable. If it wasn't a tax write-off, which it is, which we have to have it and we have to stay in tune

with what's going on, because we're in entertainment. But I mean, it's such a goddamn rip. I wanna get Apple TV. What's that? That's like a box that you are basically you're getting TV from the internet. Oh, that's cool. My dad does that.

It's like you can stream Netflix into it. I think that's the way it is. But anyways, this is not even halfway over yet. So it's the morning of the fight. So then I text you and you go, it's ordered. Like the fight's good to go. I'm in the living room. I made coffee and we sit in there.

I'm watching Sports Center. And it's like, it's like fading in and it's like jumping in and out like fuck. So all I do is I check another channel. Another channel does work. I just restart the box. It doesn't restart. It goes, it sends me an error message.

So it says restart your box again. So I do it again, like reload the whole thing. Usually that solves everything. It gives you a number with a diagnostics code. So I call and I go, hey, what's the, here's the code. And they're like, oh, basically your box is fucked. It's shot. And I was like, great.

I just ordered the fucking fight. I just gave you 70 bucks. A 70 dollar fight. And they go like, oh yeah. Yeah. And I go, so what do I do? And they're like, well, do you have another box? And I was like, yeah, cause we have another room.

And they're like, just hook that box up in there. Which is great. Okay, great. Then I go, what about the bad box? They're like, we're going to send you a new one. Take the one that doesn't work and send it back to us. I'm like, okay, great. And then that box comes with a letter in it that says,

here's your new box. Put your old one in here. If we don't get the old one, the one that went bad, within seven days of sending you the new one, we will charge you $250. I want that shit to get late. I want it to arrive the eighth day. So that I can fucking, I will take the satellite off the roof

and I'm going to go, I'm going to find a direct TV representative and I'm going to break the fucking satellite over his head until he just, he shits out the bottom of his shoes. That's what I'm going to fucking do if I find a fee. They will, I guarantee they will. No, no, no, they will. Cause these motherfuckers are sneaky.

Like we have a plan. I always call them, here's a little tip guys. Always demand that you want to be paying less for your cable. Cause I'll call periodically and be like, this is too much. I'm not fucking paying this much. And then they go, oh man, I'm sorry. We have a special we can give you.

So always demand to pay less and eventually they will, because you know what they do is that your shit runs out and then they charge you the normal rate for things. And then you have to just call and get angry and then they'll take it down and get, I guarantee you, my bet is they're going to fuck us and chart just put it on the bill. So our next cable is going to be like a million dollars.

And then you're going to have to call. I'm going to say send the rep to grab fucking everything. Take the thing off the roof. Take it all. Take it all, fuckers. You're never going to see a fucking penny. It's the worst. You fucking cunts.

Oh shit. Oh Jesus Christ. How'd that happen? I'm sorry. You know what? What? I'm sorry guys. What?

Oh yeah. Real talk. Oh yeah. It's fake. Real talk. Oh yeah. Real talk. Oh yeah.

Real talk. All right. I love that. Real talk. He's so funny. R. Kelly. We have a real talk segment for you guys. Yeah, take it away.

I'm so very excited. Sorry, I got carried away. Jesus. You know what? I got carried away. I was thinking about R. Kelly and how fucking talented he is. Why don't you sue me, Tom?

Jesus. Anyways. Okay, Gypsies. I am obsessed with the Gypsies on TLC. The learning channel is started with just my big fat gypsy wedding, which was about Irish travelers. They're called travelers.

They're fucking scum. And they're basically hillbillies, except they don't own property. They just live in like trailers. And the kids drop out of school. The girls drop out at 12. This was news to me that they're here. Oh, in America.

So last night, Tommy and I were watching the American version. I finally got around to recording it for him to see. Cause I've been watching these on the road. And we watched the episode of the 14 year old Gypsy girl. I've always known them to be, I gotta say, from what I've seen

on the American version, they're way better than what you find in Europe. I mean, in Europe, they're just... Better? Yeah, in Europe, they're fucking rats and roaches. Like they're fucking, all they do is pickpocket and steal and fucking... Oh, they're hated.

They're hated. Here, they're like, yeah, we're Gypsies. Like we adhere to the Gypsy traditions, but like they were all working and like... You gotta watch the Irish one. Well, I'm sure that the... They're scum fucks. But Irish is not here.

No, no, no. I know what you're saying, but the program that covers the English and the Irish traveler community, like they're both shitty in different ways. That's exactly what I'm saying. Oh, I thought you said that our Americans are better than the shitty European Gypsies.

That is what I'm saying. Oh, okay. Well... Like the American Gypsies are better than the Irish... Just mean they look better? No, they're better human beings. It's hard to tell. I don't think so.

You gotta watch the European ones. The European ones are pretty shitty too. I mean, the American ones are shitty too in their own way. You've only seen that one episode. Yeah, but they're shitty in the way that all white trash is shitty. Like they're uneducated, they say stupid shit,

they're into all they do, their main thing is fucking pop a couple pills, smoke and drink and fucking, let's get it on. That's what... They're dumb. I know that they're fucking dumb. All they're beyond. But I'm saying that when you go to Europe,

it's like you have to fucking constantly check your pockets. Yeah, they do the throwing babies at you. Throw the babies at you. I don't think that these American Gypsies in Georgia that we saw are throwing their babies at people. And stealing and thieving. Yeah. I don't know, I do think they steal and shit too here.

But yeah, the ones that were on the TV show, we just, we saw a nicer ilk, you're right on this one. So set this up. So last night, we're watching this guy. So we're watching this one where this 14 year old girl, first of all Gypsy girls are expected just to stay home and make babies from the time they're like 12. It's incredible.

They drop out of school. And the parents are like, you need to drop out. Yeah, they can pull them out of school to take care of the home. You're done with school at 12. And to raise your brothers and sisters. You gotta get into cleaning. Cleaning's a big thing.

Cleaning, yeah, wiping shit with a rag is all you're gonna do. They pointed that out like 10 times. They're like, clean, cleaning's awesome. I love to clean. Not only that, so the highlight of any young Gypsy girl's life is her wedding day. And her communion, because those are two times in her life

where she gets out of the trailer park and gets to put on a shiny dress. So all this poor Gypsy girl wants is to have a fancy party so she can wear a fancy dress and meet her future Gypsy husband. And her father, whose name is Pat Baby, covered into a stupid tattoo, like the stupidest fucking tattoos.

He's amazing, he's amazing. A bit of a drunk. Pat Baby's favorite place is the Licker Mart. He said, this is my goddamn favorite place. My favorite place in the world is what he said. The Licker Mart. The Licker Place. Woo, that's what he said.

They just seem like regular rednecks, you know? They are, yeah, they're right. They're hillbillies, yeah. Except he does the fucking, they go out of their way to specify what a non-Gypsy's a what? A Gorgia. And he's like, I don't want,

I don't want our kids hanging out with Gorgias. There's not gonna be any Gorgias at the party. I'm like, are you fucking serious right now? Well, okay, because here's the thing. Gypsy girls dress like horse. Horse. They look like. Like the kind you like, too.

Like, you know, when you're in middle school and high school, especially when you're like eighth grade 14 and you're like, you hear about who's giving out hand jobs and who's letting them, you finger them and you're like, oh yeah, it's the ones that dress like that. These chicks, keep going. Okay.

So wait, are you saying that you had girls that dressed like that and like that? Yeah. But they're, the girls that, the girls that like dress the way that they dress at the parties are the one, like, yeah, you see them in eighth grade, but they're the ones that are fucking,

you know, juggling cocks way before everybody else. You know? Yes, man, I don't. Yeah, anyways. You need girls like that. Yeah. You do. You know what?

They serve a purpose. They serve a real purpose, for sure. So Pat Baby is throwing a Halloween party that's gonna blow away. Hey, puff daddy ain't got shit on this party. That's a quote. My favorite is like, they always want to do each other the Gypsies.

They're always like, this party is gonna be the best party in Gypsy history. Like, no, it's not. No. Not until next week until some other retard has it. So this party, they finally find a venue cause nobody wants to host a Gypsy party cause they steal everything and they're the worst.

And she has her dress. Now she's gonna go, she has to wear two dresses for the party. Her primary dress cause she's the queen of hearts. And her slutty dancing dress. And this is Pat Baby and her trying on the dress. Dresses and Pat Baby, he's just like, he's really just like every fucking,

I mean, to me, he strikes me like every like redneck labor kind of thing that you see anywhere who's just like, it's Friday, I got 600 bucks. I got all, it's all cash. It's my pay for the week. Let's go fucking below 500. We're burning a hole in his pocket. Yeah, he's gotta get hammered.

Yeah, so here's a little bit of Pat Baby and his daughter on my big fat American Gypsy wedding. Throwing Gypsy girls to wear a second outfit later in the evening. Are you ready? And Priscilla wants something to dazzle the guests. Yeah, that's right. Cause she has her primary and then the secondary.

And they're both, the primary one, what it looks like is like if a really poor white trash girl were designing like a wedding dress and you're like, you can't fucking wear that. But her second outfit, the one that is like a go-go fucking dancing like Vegas kind of thing. Yeah, she's a whore. Wait, can I say something?

All the Gypsy girl dresses like their wedding dresses are whore dress, like they're super slutty. And not only that dumb, like cause these girls are not educated. So they're like, I want my dress to say Barbie on it. And like you want your wedding dress to say Barbie. And to be, I want a hot pink crystals. We have even specified that the idea of the Halloween party

and her wearing these outfits, the entire idea is that potentially she'll meet her husband. Her husband. Husband at 14 will meet her at a Halloween party when she's wearing a glitter fucking daisy duke shorts with hearts on them. I should be like, this could be fucking not good. Oh, NPS, Gypsy girls are supposed to stay pure,

which means they not allowed to kiss. Fuck nothing before their wedding day. They don't look like they don't fuck. Let's say that. They look like they're built to fuck. Oh yeah, really? I fell off the gypsies, seal those gypsies shut. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you think? And Diane's got the boots. Now the dancing outfit that she has to change out into, it's a little bit more risque, but it's tasteful. It's highly tasteful. That's Pat baby right there. She's wearing tight and sexy. Can I try these on, because I love these.

You think I'm fucking, I love these. He's drunk. He's hammered at her fitting. Baby. Oh my God. Work it, work it. Oh my God. Ursula, light up, has she seen that?

Can you show them what we're looking at now? Can you point this camera at it? I felt the deep in my soul, the excitement that little girl felt inside her right then. You know, I could feel it. You look like a star, daughter. I sure wish I was your age again. Weakie, I'm on to see it.

I bet you she can't wait. Roof. Look at those boots. Look at those boots, guys. Holy shit. I think it had over 40,000 crystals on it. Real ones, baby. And when light hits them, they just sparkle

up the whole room. Get used to the fucking, the stage sparkling. Do you want to be like a human light bulb? Should I do it? Yes, you did. And she's sweet. Poor girl. She's hanging up my boots and like spinning around.

It just, it just shows you what happens when you get raised by somebody really dumb. I'm so excited after seeing them, because I know the Halloween party's coming up. And you know, it's just gonna be, boom, it's gonna be out there. It's gonna be so out there. Good job.

I can't wait. That's dad. Dad can't wait for... Dad checking out the daughter. Pat baby's like, yo man, that's... Well, and he was, he was, they don't show it in this clip because we couldn't get it,

but he's like checking her out like she's trying. Oh yeah, yeah. Oh, that looks hot. That looks hot. That looks so hot. She's really... Dude, that's your daughter. She's really fucking turning them on.

It's really exciting. Pat baby, you gotta turn them on. I don't think my dad's ever said that to me, thankfully. No, I think dads don't do that. And this is at the... They want their daughters to look like prostitutes. She looks so ridiculous. So check out this foot.

I'll put this on. This will be on you stream. I don't know how to obviously do fucking anything on this, but if you go to, is this, you guys see this well? Does everybody see me? Does everybody see what's going on? If you...

I'm gonna show you this other clip where this is them at the party. This is not the Halloween boy. This is her... So her other Gypsy, her Gypsy best friend, the 14 year old girl they're following, her friend is having a party in her basement. But this is Gypsy girl's friends with gorgeous girls.

Right. So the big thing is whether or not Pat baby's gonna let his little girl go dance around with a bunch of gorgeous, a bunch of horse. They're not us. They're not the same. They're not as classy as Gypsies. They don't do it like we do it.

Okay, let me see if I can get this to go. They think the gorgeous girls are horse. That's my favorite. Okay. Let's see. Does this work? All right. One second.

Gorgeous girls. Gorgeous. You're getting an idea though. Gorgeous girls. She's showing a little bit too much of her. That's Pat baby's wife right there. Can't bring a Golja into a travel community and expect everything to go as a travel would have it,

you know, because you're gonna get that filth and that smug. He's gonna get that filth and that smug. He's gonna get that filth and that smug. That's why you won't see a Golja at my Halloween party. As the party takes a more adult turn, Pat and Luanne decide it's now time for Priscilla to say goodnight. I've taken my daughter home.

Ain't no place for my daughter to be around all these Goljas like this. Bye. That guy. That fucking guy. He's making the call. He doesn't want... They're dancing like Gypsies.

His daughter. Maybe a little bit more on the show. Maybe a little bit more on edge of a stripper. What all made it like trashy looking is how she was all over the boys all night. You know, Gypsy girls, we might dance, you know, with our hips and stuff like that. We may show cleavage and skin,

but you won't see anything. Talking shit about the other. You won't see us all over the boys unless you're a dirty girl. A dirty girl. You're a dirty girl. You a dirty girl. You a dirty girl.

Real educated, these Gypsers. My family, you know, from Hungary, my Hungarian relatives hate Gypsies. Everybody does, babe. Everybody hates Gypsies. They're fucking, they're so racist against the Gypsies. It's fine. They're the worst.

That's the worst in humanity. It's okay. It's okay. They don't, and here's the weird thing. They have a lot of money because I think because they don't own the Gypsies. Wait, where? The T-Gyne in Hungarian, you call me T-Gyne.

The T-Gyne's? T-Gyne does not have a lot of money. Egan in Europe? No, I'm telling you because these weddings, they cost a fortune. The dresses alone, these Gypsy dresses are like 50 grand. No, I swear to God. And you know why they have cash money?

Because they don't own land. They don't pay taxes. They don't have like human being expenses. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they just, they live in trailers and all they do is buy beer. So like, there's just nothing but cash money.

Yeah, but they don't have, I mean, they don't have real money. No, it's like fake, it's like Persians, like they pretend to have wealth. Yeah, they're a show of love. Yeah, yeah. It's like saying, these roaches have a lot of food. Oh my God, babe, that's not the same, it's not my analogy.

That's not your hateful analogy. You know what? That's really hate Gypsies. It's fun. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Fill her up, seal her shut. Shut it up with semen. You know what to do to her.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Can I tell you, I looked on our Facebook? Yeah. And overwhelmingly. Oh no, sorry. I'm on it right now. I'm thinking of something else. I'm thinking of, I'm sorry.

I screwed that up. Ah, shit, Blanca. No, that's for the next thing we're going to do. But who do we have now? Well, the voters, it's so fun that you guys do this, by the way. Yeah, I love it. You jumped in and you voted.

And anybody can do this. All you got to do is go to facebook.com slash your mom's house podcast. And you can vote as well. But the idea is that we put these up there and then you guys decide who you want to fill up and seal shut. It's a poll. It's like any poll.

So let's look at the most recent polls. Why is this always takes like a, I don't know how it, OK, we had a Mila Mila Kunis. Why do I say Mila? Because you're dope. Is it not really Mila? It's not Mila. Mila, she's Ukrainian or she's no Russian.

She speaks fluent Russian. She does speak fluent Russian. Smart girl. Mila Kunis. And who was she with? She was with Natalie Portman. Oh, I think Natalie Portman won, didn't she? I'm looking at it right now.

On our Facebook? Here we go. Holy, it wasn't even close, man. Who do they want? Mila. Oh, oh. Destroyed her. That's so crazy.

Destroyed her. Destroyed. Well, because Natalie Portman's kind of a stuck up brat. That's what we talked about. I don't think she's fun. Mila eating out of a dog bowl. Because I think she would do it. Great.

Love that one. Thanks, guys. Thanks for making pictures of me eating out of dog bowls, you guys. 118 for Mila. That's crazy, Jeans. That's good. Let's do one.

I want to do one for us. Wait, wait, let's read the other results. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. We also did, wow, this one is even more of a landslide. We did Rachel Ray versus Giada de Lorinitis. There did a Vaginitis. And this, if you recall, is talked about how I'd like to break Giada's spirit, you know, Crusher spirit.

And so I think I was drunk during that last one. I don't even remember you saying that. Yeah, so. Drank too much tequila that time. Giada over three times the amount of votes. Oh my god. Rachel Ray, not even competition for you guys. Really?

Absolutely not. Well, Rachel's not that sexy. That other woman's much sexier. Rachel would cook for you, but the other girl would gobble your cock. I don't know if she'd gobble it, I think, with the whole thing, as you could hold her head down and give her a break.

And then the final one, it's really not that surprising when you consider his following and his appeal to so many types of people. Anthony Bourdain and Bobby Flay. And Bourdain just, you know, owned it, man. Crushed it. He's our type of dude. He's our type of guy.

And Anthony, if you're around, people want to fill you up and they want to seal you shut, buddy. They want to fill your anus. Your tight, taut anus with semen from all over the world. So today, we'd like to present to you a couple more. Let's do, I want to do the black men. We haven't done black guy version for the ladies out there. So ladies, we picked a couple of real hotties

that are going to really appeal to you. Would you rather get filled up and sealed shut by Samuel L. Jackson? Or Morgan Freeman. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. A lot of times people confuse them. Sometimes I've seen both interviews say that they get approached by fans that think they're the other one.

Really? That's silly. I don't confuse those two at all because Morgan Freeman has those shit freckles on his face. He's got the freckles. Well, yeah, they don't look like, first of all, they don't. Shit freckles. Yeah, they don't look like at all.

They do. He's got Cosby freckles. Cosby's got the same thing. No, but I think Morgan's also at least 10 years older than Sam Jackson. Yeah, that's true. Morgan Freeman can't use his right hand anymore. Why?

He was horribly damaged in a car accident. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. So that might play into who you want filling you up and feeling you shut. If there's one hand out of play, it's out of fucking on the sidelines. The Bone Collector?

I already know who I like more. I love Samuel L. Jackson. I was just watching him this weekend in some film. They're both tremendous actors, let's be honest. They're both really good actors. Oh, for fuck's sure, yeah. One of the best. Morgan Freeman is, I think, absolutely tremendous.

Sydney Poitier. I think Sam Jackson's going to be somewhat abusive. He's going to say things that really good. Mitch, yeah, he's going to call you a motherfucker and a bitch a lot. But I don't mind that. I like that. No, there's nothing wrong with it.

There's nothing wrong with it. Morgan would be too loving. Morgan's like, he'll tell you a bedtime story and stuff. Yeah, he's going to say things to you that you're not expecting. What's he going to say, Tom? Well, you know, he's going to say, I don't know, he's going to say like, you know.

Oh, ass nigga. Uh-huh. And there ain't going out like that. So there's all kinds of stuff he's going to say. Oh. Yeah. Samuel Jackson is so much fun. Like, doesn't he look like he would

be so fun to hang out with and drink? I mean, Morgan Freeman, too, would be interesting. Yeah. But Sam Jackson would say shit to you that doesn't even make sense, but it's so funny, you know? I think also like. He'll tell you some great stories, Sam Jackson. I think that Sam Jackson also, I mean,

this might be inappropriate, but I think the guy knows what he's doing probably in the sack. You know? I think he's really. What makes you think Morgan Freeman's got 10 years of fucking on? I think, yeah, I think it's kind of, it's almost like the, when we're talking about like Bobby Flay and Anthony Bourdain, it's almost that type of thing

where like, you know, like, I figure Morgan Freeman is more the kind of guy who's going to be like, it's a little more, you know. It's a little more. But like, that Sam Jackson is going to be like, this shit is big time. It's a little more aggressive, you know? Right, right, right.

Real talk. It's definitely going to be like. Oh, ass nigga. Yeah. Things that you're not, you're like, well, what's going on? He's going to be like, this shit should be easy. This shit should be easy. And you're like, yeah, but it's tight.

And he's like, you know, this shit should be easy. It's tight. Yeah. He's like, I can't get in there. And then you're like, well, we can't do it then. And he's going to be like. Cause I ain't going out like that. Cause he's going to be like, I need to get my nut off.

And you're going to be like, I'm sorry, just hurts. And he's going to be like. Cause I ain't going out like that. Then Morgan Freeman is like, it's a little sweeter, you know? Morgan Freeman, if you didn't, if you, if you were too tight for him to fill you up or still you shut, would, would just sit you on his lap and be like, oh, baby. Oh, if, if you, if you were like that to Morgan Freeman,

he would just be nice to you. But if Sam Jackson, let's say you're getting in Sam Jackson and you're like, it just, it's too much. Sam Jackson is going to be like, he's going to cry. Motherfucker. Yeah. It's totally two different types of guys. Two different energies.

That's all I'm saying. Yeah. So. Two different vibes. Who do you want? Do you want to be filled up and, and sealed shut by a guy who's really essentially, he's just, you know, he's, he's treating you basically like.

You're like a son to me, man. Or do you want somebody who's just going to be like. It's like you're a son to me, man, or fuck you. Those are my two choices. Yeah. Do you want someone to be like. Oh, okay. Like that.

Okay. Kind of it's aggressive. Uh, you know, like, but I, I just, I'm not into anal. This shit should be easy. But I just, I've never done it before like that. This shit should be easy. And then if you're like, you know, I think you should just go home. And he's like, cause I ain't going out like that.

And you're like, all right, just stay, I guess. That's so silly. That is so, please let us know. I didn't even tell you my answer. I think you, I think you did. What? Well, I, can I tell you who I think is. Who do you think I would prefer to have?

I think you're definitely going to go with a man who tells you. This shit is big time. Like that. And I think you're going with Sam Jackson. Interesting. And my initial reaction was Sam. Yeah. But I don't know if I could take that kind of abuse.

He's definitely going to be. Yeah. Like he'll fucking hit you and stuff. Think about, think about pulp fiction. Think about, you know, snakes on a plane. I'm more loving and gentle with kisses. You know what I mean? I like, I like romance and I like soft touches and kissy faces.

I don't want them to be like, C'mon motherfucker. No. They're having sex. No, I don't want my dog bowl. Like I don't need to be putting a dog bowl. I would prefer to have Morgan Freeman. He's like a son to me, man.

Wow. With his Cosby Freckles. And that one hand, that one hand doesn't work. That's okay. That one hand. You've got another hand. It does not work. Can I tell you that?

I think Morgan's Freckles are getting more pronounced. Sure. We saw that movie with him. He's getting older. Yeah. Is that what happens? Sure. You just get more Cosby Freckles.

They're not necessarily you're getting more Cosby Freckles, but, you know, when you get older, your skin can kind of, you know. Why did they get Cosby Freckles? My shit starts to grow on you when you get older, you know. So gross. It's so awful getting old. You just chose him. Well, I know because I swore.

Yeah. Who would you choose? Oh, I like to party. So Sam Jackson. Sam Jackson. Yeah. I want Sam Jackson to give me the business. But that would be your first anal experience.

Yeah. That would be tough. But you don't mind him being like, this should, this should be easy. Him just verbally abusing me the entire fucking time. Your first time. Your first time making love. I know. And I'm just like, dude, I've never, I've never done this before.

I would really appreciate it if you take it easy on me. I'm just pleased, you know, be a little more cool about it. I'm like, I'm like a tip, but I just, can we get some lube? This should be easy. Yeah. That would be Sam Jackson. Can we throw two ladies in there also to kind of make this? Yeah.

Who do you got? Anybody? Oh, by the way, I watched Queen Elizabeth last night, Elizabeth, with Kate Blanchette, your girlfriend. She's Australian? I don't remember what she is. She's Australian. Okay.

All right. Well, we did two androgynous broads before. Who's in your, oh, I've got it. Why don't we do a pig challenge? A pig challenge. Let's do a couple of pigs. And it's the lesser of two pigs. Okay.

Precious is one of them. Jesus. What? All right. Let's make it interesting today. All right. All right. Now the other one doesn't necessarily, this music inspires me.

Precious is a, that's a big girl. Okay. Who else is in that wheelhouse? Who else is? Cameron Mannheim. What about that Delores? That lady? Who's that?

Mel Carter. Mel Carter's dead. Oh. You'd have to dig her up in sealer shut. That would be so hard. Oh. Dig her up. Seal her shut.

Why don't we do a series of digger up sealer shut with dead people? We definitely should. And you have to dig, you have to exhume the body and fuck the body as is. Wow. That's serious. Right? Yeah. And you give me shit about being fucking gross.

God damn. Well, let's find somebody alive first. So it's Kibori Sibide. Right. It's either her. Or who's a real pig? The lady from Mike and Molly? She's a pig.

Yeah, she's a big. She's a big old girl. Okay. Okay. So that's... She's real funny though. I respect her. They're both great actresses.

Yeah. They're both great. They're both super talented. I hate shitting on female comedians though because it's like they're exempt from having to be hot. No. I know, but that's the game. Okay.

All right. I'm sorry ladies. Okay. Let's do Kibori Sibide precious. Look, Kibori Sibide is really talented. I know. So this is the big girl challenge or as you put it as a nice lady, the pig challenge. Listen, I know how our listeners talk.

I know. I think. So would you rather fill up and seal a shot, Kibori Sibide or precious or Melissa McCarthy who was in Bridesmaids and she's Molly from Mike and Molly. Both very funny. Both big girls. What's your style? What are you into?

Personally, I think that Kibori will put it on you. Okay. Okay. I think she will polish off your cock like it is a chicken wing. Like I think she will literally try to get the meat to come off the end of the stick. I really do. And I think she, I also find, I think she might be insatiable. Really?

I think she might be insatiable. An insatiable bottom. And what do you think Molly's more? I think Molly's a little more tender and loving like, oh, it's got this ice cream. Let's eat this. Yeah. You'd hang out with her more and you'd have a fat girl night with her. Yeah.

Oh, totally. I would love to hang out with her. I would like to hang out with either one, but I'm saying like, if, if I'm hanging out with Gabor, I think she'd be like, what's up with that dick? Like, I think you're, I think you might be onto something here, but wait a minute. Wait a minute. We're forgetting. We're forgetting sometimes, because that's also the stereotype of black women that they're

sexually insatiable. It is a very, it's a stereotype. It could be the quiet type. The one you think is just subtle, a little meow. Of course it could be. I'm just giving my, my... I'm just kind of meowing. This is just my thought on it.

Okay. I could be very rude. I'm going to go with Molly because I think Molly has had a lifetime of guys who just want to hang out with her and eat brownies. And she's got pent up sexual energy that she needs to give. So this is a perfect one to ask the listeners, what do you think? Do you think that Molly just hangs out and is like, how about you rub my shoulders? Or do you think Gabor is like, give me that fucking cocky little bit.

Yeah. So that's a great one to throw out there. What do you guys think? I'm sure one of you lovely people will go to facebook.com slash your mom's house podcast. Let's vote. I like it when you vote more in the poll. The poll's easier for us to read. It's so ridiculous.

Then the comments under the... I love the images that you make. It's my favorite. But let's just stick to the polls to read the results. The images make me laugh. They're hilarious. Can I tell you that our tweets from our fault are the funniest? Yeah.

You guys are really fucking funny. I'm gonna look at a Twitter account and just laugh my tits off. The bear thing is really taking off. Thank you guys. Oh yeah. Why am I talking about this? Thank you so much for those. I fucking love the bear stuff.

You motherfuckers. It's been endless entertainment for us. It is really funny. Especially when I'm sitting in a hotel room taking a dump and I'll go on my Twitter account when I'm shitting and just look at them. To me, the best of those is that after the initial one, I thought I kind of had seen them all. No.

But I thought I'd seen all the ideas of it and I'm like, yeah. And then I'll still get tagged in them and I'll be like, what's this? That's funny. Now, it's a second wave. It's a second wave, but they're coming up with more creative ways to say what I'm doing. You know? It's like, you know. Our honeymoon one was today.

That was pretty funny. Somebody saw that when someone said, Tom and Bert are taking a bath. No splashies. There's two bears in the water. It's pretty silly. Yeah. It's really funny. So many.

You guys are hilarious. Silliness. We shipped out a bunch of stuff. I wanted to throw that out to you. If you ordered the highest Titus jeans bundle, which replaced the Super Mommy pack, the highest Titus jeans bundle includes my album Thrilled, Christina's album, It's Hard Being a Person, Christina's poster and the Kingfish shirt. You get it all.

And those we shipped out a bunch last week. We shipped out a bunch more tomorrow. Thank you for ordering those. Thank you for ordering. I dropped my cookie. Oh, shit. You ordered a fuckload of Kingfish shirts, which is awesome. And I didn't even tell you this.

I had to reorder again. Get out already. I had to reorder them again. That's awesome. You guys, the one, now I will tell you this, I'm not telling you what it is. The Kingfish one is obviously based on a riff. There's a new one that's being designed that's going to be the official shirt of the podcast. It's going to blow your mind up.

It's the fucking dopest shit I've ever seen. It's the saddest thing ever. I can't wait. We're holding on. We're holding on for that for a little while, but it is the coolest fucking thing I've ever seen. I'm so excited to have it. I have a feeling when this shirt lands, it's going to send ripples through the mommy community.

It's absolutely. There's not going to be a mommy alive that doesn't have one. That's how fucking top notch it is. Nope. If it has their jeans high, it's going to want to rock this tight shirt. Absolutely. It's fucking awesome. I think it's other level stuff.

Other level stuff. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for your support. Obviously, when you do stuff like that, when you order that stuff, it supports the show. Yes. It helps us take care of our business. Thank you.

When you send me a picture of you wearing your Kingfish shirt, that is an automatic retweet yell. So definitely keep sending me the photos of you and your Kingfish shirt. Keep sending Tommy as a bear, because I will retweet most of them. You do. If I see them. Yeah. Like sometimes I miss them.

You retweet a lot of this. I fucking love that. Uh-oh. You know what time it is, guys. Oh shit. Okay. Yes. Yes.

What? I just remembered something. I just remembered something. You scared me. It's okay. By the way, we had a listener come up to me. Yeah. A mommy in Denver.

Oh, it was a couple. And she's like, my husband does the same thing that Tommy does, where when he reacts to something, it's a big reaction. And I freak out. Like just now you're like, oh my God. What? But you're overreacting. You're doing a much bigger impression of my reaction.

Here's what you just did. You went, oh my God. That's what it felt like to me. But see, that says more about you than me because that's not at all what came out of my mouth. I know. I'm sensitive. Right.

But what I'm saying is that even though that was a gross exaggeration, you do react sometimes as if that's what I'm doing. Like I'll be like, oh yeah. And you're like, what? What is it? What? And I'm like, nothing, man. I just said like, oh yeah.

Like just fucking, what is it? Because I'm very sensitive to your needs. But I'm not, I'm saying, I'm not, that wasn't like a huge thing that I did, but you're still acting like that it was a holy shit. It puts me on high alert because you're emotional. Tommy, it's your Latin flavor is coming out. Ew. I'm thinking, hear you drinking, sound like a dog drinking out of the bowl.

Can you guys hear that? Ugh. He's drinking out of a bottle, a bottle. Get over it. Ugh. Get the fuck over it. Okay. Are you ready to do this?

No. Go ahead. I just wanted to recap interesting findings, Tommy. Yeah. From our last, would you rather, that we did with Rory, which we were all, all horrified. I would say one of the most horrifying would you rather is in the history of would you rather. Yeah.

And yeah, that was, that was definitely up there. That was a horrifier. It was, would you rather get a hand job from your mother or jerk off your father and a resounding 36 to six votes in favor of getting a hand job from your mother? That really surprised me. Me too. Really surprised me. What do you think the thinking is here?

And by the way, it's, it's up to, they added another one, 37 now. Yikes. Um, my thinking here is that people just hate their dads. And, um, maybe they can, uh, they find it, maybe it's the whole, it's being done. Homorotic. Well, it's being done to them. First of all, you're not the one doing the, the action. I guess maybe the mother thing is, is more tolerable to the men because of like, there's

something more nurturing about a mother, you know, Well, you know what? When you think about it, your mom changed your di-dai from the time you were born. Yeah. Your mother's seen and probably touched your weenus a million times when you're an infant. And let's be honest, your mom, you know, outside of the fact that she's your mom, your mom knows what to do with a dick. Okay, babe.

I'm just saying, like your mom, if you're out there, like I'm thinking of your mom, your mom knows what to do with a dick because it's, you know, she's just another lady, she's, she's fucking jerked off. Jerking off so many cops. She's jerked off a bunch of dicks. Some of your moms are single and they fucking blow and suck and fuck guys all the time. So it's not like she's going to be like, I don't know what to do with this. It's just weird because of your relationship to her.

And I think jerking off your dad's tough if you're a guy because that's jerking off another guy. Right. Even if it's your dad, it's a homo erotic thing. Definitely. But I want to give a big shout out to the six guys that voted that way. Because I'm still with you. I'm still jerking off my dad.

Uh, I rather, cause put the onus on him to come, you know what I'm saying? Instead of put it on you, what if like, what if in this scenario though, that your dad's like, come on, it starts talking to you, he's like, you took that fucking elbow grease into it. And what are you doing at all? I don't like that loose grip. And you're like, all right. He's like, play with my ass.

Play with my ass. I can't do this dad. He's like, what? Don't forget my balls. You like it? Tug on him. I like the little tug there. It's nice.

That's the way your mother does it. We just sit on my face real quick. Oh, Jesus Christ. Spit my face. All right. Enough. Okay. So here's a would you rather I came up with.

Uh, this actually came up with Michael Malone this week because he does this bit where he talks in black voice, like a black man. Yeah. And he's like the nerdiest looking white guy. He's not a nerdy. He's like a white guy who just talked like a, like he does a jive turkey voice. A jive turkey. You know, like a 70s black guy.

Like, what'd it do? My man. Is he good at it? Come on. Jab turkey. Yeah. He's great at it. It's really funny.

Okay. So would you rather look the way you do? But not like that. It's a 70s guy. Like, oh, shit. I ain't lose blood. Check mom rebound with your medicine. Okay.

Like that kind of jive turkey talk. Okay. Um, or every time you speak, you sound like you're the impression that you do of your sister. Like, uh, yeah. Sounds like us. I'm not. I don't talk like that.

Yes. No. I doubt. I have to take my son out. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. What do you guys want to do? You guys having drinks?

Yeah. I've only had like four drinks. Stop exaggerating. I just went exercising. I ran. I ran like five miles and then I swam. I ran a swam. I did a bike ride.

I'm frustrated. I want to do something. I have so much energy. So you either like, that's your voice for ever. Ever. Like if we're doing the podcast right now, you do it as your sister's voice or in Shangri-La, what it is, but but doubt and that's 70s black guy. To me, that is fucking sign sealed and delivered the easiest one ever.

Come on. Easy. But people, you can't explain it. Sorry. That's the other caveat. If you're talking like a black guy from the 70s, yeah, you cannot explain to people why you're talking like a guy from the 70s. I understand that.

But I'm saying for, for me, the, the idea of a black guy from the 70s. The, the idea of it's one or the other. It is so easily going to be like, hey, now, come on, talk to me for a second now. And if people are like, that guy talks like a fucking black guy from the 70s. They'll be like, that's what it is, is what it is, whatever it is. I'll just talk like that versus like, I saw, I saw, I saw, I saw a party right now. Like I could not, I couldn't go fucking five minutes through life. You know, it's funny though, when you do your sister, you kind of remind me of Bob,

Bobcat Goldway from the 80s comic that would do like, that's a little more Cosby. That's very Cosby. In the zoo, I'm a dude, I'm a dude. Now, what if I talked like a 70s black guy, yo, Shang-La, what it is, the boy. Or do, do the Marie impression. Shut up, talk to me. I need coffee. I need coffee.

No, I don't see. See which one's weirder. Harder for me to get through life. Like you have to be employed. You could get through life with it. You have to have friends. Right, with the girl. But maybe you'd be more of like a commodity of like, you gotta see this.

There's this salon white chick who's like, it is what it is. And your mama better not forget about it. Or whatever. That shit versus you're like, because like there's a million girls who are like that. Everyone's like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, that's the worst man. Yeah. So maybe I should start doing a 70s black man on stage.

Yeah. Steal Michael Malone's bit and make that my entire act. Yeah. What do you say? What it is, my bloodshed. Let us know. Turkey jerky. Would you rather talk like a 70s black man, or like Tom's sister has like.

Is there a famous person that we can refer to that talks like that? There's a girl from that Saturday Night Live sketch from the LA 80s, which is like, Delta, Delta, Delta. Can I help you? All right. It's that. It's the Delta, Delta, Delta voice kind of. Yeah.

Kind of. Yeah. A little bit like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You're right. So, okay. Is there another one? Yep. You just farted or something? No, I was just reading this and I can't believe I wrote this down. So, you know when you write something and you're like, did I just fucking really think those dumb thoughts?

Oh, yeah. I have that all the time. And now I'm going to say those dumb fucking thoughts out loud. Yeah. And it's going to be on the internet forever. So, here it goes. Okay. You know that you and I are huge fans of farting in public right now.

For instance, I was on the airport shuttle yesterday. Yeah. In Colorado and I farted. I just let it go willy-nilly. It's stunk up the entire shuttle bus. I don't give a fuck because I have my earbuds on. It looks like I couldn't possibly have done that. You can't fart with things in your ears.

Right. You can't fart with something in your ears. You can't fart if you're listening to your iTunes. A black eye was listening to music. I didn't fart. Okay. Would you rather every time you fart, which you and I do a lot, the fart instead of making no sound or the normal sound, the fart screams, hey faggots, I farted.

Okay. It has to sound like that. Hey faggots, I farted. It always says, hey faggots, I farted. So it's insulting to the gay community. Really, really demeaning. Yeah. Well, yeah.

But you know what? Yeah. That's what it is. That's what it is, man. This is what came to me in my vision when I wrote this. Yeah. Okay. And it screams it.

So at your asshole screams, hey faggots, I farted. I also like that you earlier in the show pointed out not to say that something's gay. Yes. You're like, that's so gay. That's why I'm doing this. This is for Todd Glass. Okay. This is for him.

Okay. I'm just kidding. It's not for him. Oh, okay. I'm not politically correct to say this. Right. Either expression. No, it's terrible.

It's horrible to say that's gay because it's demeaning to the gay. It is. But it's also, I'm going to say I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's demeaning to also say, hey faggots, I farted. Right. Right. Which is why it makes it a daunting would you rather. Sure.

It's not a nice thing to have come out of your butthole. Right. I get you. That or every time that you burp, a homeless person dies. Holy shit. So basically what you're dealing with is, is the guilt of knowing that something that you did and now can you, can you do like a, can you keep your mouth shut and burp? No.

Every time you burp, a homeless person dies. Well, that means, but that's involuntary. Right. Too bad. So you either are killing people all the time or you're, you're really getting a lot of negative attention. You might get actually killed yourself if you fart in the wrong spot. Right.

Cause you're going to fart and your ass is going to go, hey faggots, it's your ass that does it. Yeah. Your ass screams. Your ass screams that phrase. Which is hateful and terrible. Hey faggots, I farted. Yeah.

It's a hateful phrase. Even if you think you're sneaking. Do other people's asses in this world also say things? No. Just yours. Just yours. Just yours. Wow.

And the thing is you think you're sneaking out a quiet riot. You're not. Yeah. If your butthole is screaming. Really loud. Now do you think there's a chance though that because sometimes people are going to be looking at you, you know, they're going to hear it, they're going to see that you didn't say it.

Doesn't matter. They're going to be like, well, what the fuck was that? And you're going to be like, I don't know. Somebody just screams some crazy shit. I don't know where it was. Doesn't matter. Yeah. You don't have to fess up to own up to it.

Right. You don't have to own up to it. But I'm just saying they're going to be like, who was that? And you're going to be like, matter. But it'll cripple your relationship to your friendships or your. I think so. But I think the only way you could choose the burping one would be if you want to kill homeless people because that's really like the downside of that one is murder is you're

killing people. The downside. But they're homeless. That's true. I didn't think about that. Nobody really likes them like the ones he had, like the ones in our neighborhood, the crazy guys. They're already they have no family, nobody gives a shit about that.

So they're dead. Big deal. I get it. I get your logic. I would choose personally. I'm choosing. Hey, faggots. I farted farts.

I'm choosing. First of all, I want to hear a voice come out of my ass. It's loud. It's loud. Here's the best thing I just realized is that when you go to take a shit and you're farting multiple times, all people will hear from a bathroom is just, hey, faggots. I farted. Hey, faggots.

I farted. And they're going to be like, I heard you, man. Like knock it off. Like you keep yelling that shit and it's not cool. And people are going to be like, you know, every time he takes this shit, he says this like 60 times. It's loud. Like the neighbors can hear it.

I'll take it just for the for the laughs because there's going to be too many laughs. So funny. Yes. I'm taking that. Hey, faggots. I farted. What are you taking? Obviously, I don't devalue human life so much that I could kill.

Sounds like you're building up to it. What if it's gypsies? What if we kill burps? I would, I would drink six cokes a day on the hour, every hour. I would drink two cases of coke a day just so I could burp more. Just to kill gypsies? Get rid of fucking all. American ones or European gypsies?

Every single continent. No gypsies. Antarctic gypsies are gone. Okay. All right. Yeah. Wow. That's a bold statement.

I don't fucking, I don't give a shit about it. But no, it's not gypsies. It's not. What is it? It's homeless people. Yeah, you already made it. It's homeless people. It's a sympathy for the homeless.

So I'm going to, I too. I'm curious to see how many people would like to end the lives of the homeless by burping well versus having an asshole that says, hey, faggots, I farted. I will say, I will say a lot of people hate homeless people. I have family members that are like, these fucking homeless, they're so lazy and like they don't understand that it's not necessarily lazy. If you really feel that way, yeah, you're crazy, you need to take that, that sentiment, that feeling if you have that and channel it towards the gypsies because they're the

real bad ones redirect it towards gypsies. You guys take all that hatred homeless. It's not their fault, man. It's not usually. It's not. It's Reagan. Reagan deinstitutionalized all the, the crazy and everybody put them out into the, I totally Reagan.

I can watch you do your sister's voice all day though, it's so annoying and she doesn't think she talks like that. She's always like, that's the best part every time you do an impression to her. She's just like, I thought you'll say it in the same voice that you're doing the impression under. You'll be like, you talk like that. And she's like, I talk like that. All right, we got to get out of here.

You guys are always our favorite mommies. The favorite mommies of the world. Come see me in Louisville and then San Diego in New York and of course our live show May 23rd. Come out. Jeans. Where are you again? I'm going to be in Brea at the end of the month, at the end of May.

Okay. I'm just fucking sick. They just died. I'm so happy. You just committed genocide with that burp. Oh my God. And then, yeah, we'll work on this Ustream. Sorry guys.

It'll be resolved. And then what else? What else? I don't know. Go to our sponsors. Oh yeah, our sponsors. Try them out. Thank you again.

Thanks for Amazon. Thank you Gamefly. Please go to yourmomshousepodcast.com and keep that going on. Please go to the Facebook page, facebook.com, slashyourmomshousepodcast, like it, and then get involved. It's basically, it's a forum. It's where we can interact with you, you know, we do the voting. People just post pictures.

Is this yours? Yeah, I got it for free. There was like a giveaway. Oh. They were giving away. I never see you use lip balm. And that's why I didn't. My lip balm.

It's unused. Lip balm. So that's that. You should never use anybody else's lip balm. You should. That's what my third grade teacher told me. This is Borchardt. She said, oh, I'm just getting out of here.

I like that. So we'll see you guys soon. Bye, mommies. Thanks for listening. We love you. Bye. Bye. Love you, mommy.

Love you, mommy. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.