Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Episode 73-Africa-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

Shaka Zulu! We're back from the Motherland! Tina and Tommy share wonderful stories of their time abroad. It's heartwarming to hear how they connected with kind people, had fantastic shows, and took "African" dumps. We reveal that you agree Stevie said, "RetardED" and we present you with another mystery. Also, Christina shares a personal story that will make you very proud. Our jeans have never been higher!

squeeze my dits squeeze squeeze my tits and pull my dick real hard I think you could even do squeeze my no pull my dick and squeeze my tits real hard I think I think I like that one better yeah because it's a surprise that he's got tits that's that's exactly right squeeze my dick and pull my tits real hard you said just like Scottie McCreary when he's isn't that the those are the lyrics right no that is he couldn't sing that on American Idol squeeze my dick and pull my tits real hard they didn't try to do it you gotta pull them real hard pull my tits real hard for

me to get off now you don't know what you don't know what kind of guy I like to have my tits pulled hard do you think a lot of guys like having their tits pulled yeah definitely guys are into that anything that you can think of guys are into you know you remember Scottie McCreary was on American Idol and that was his riff like he kept doing that squeeze my tits and pull my dick real hard that was the one thing that he could sing over and over and the judges wow shit we got a mess of cables Christ just hot in here jet lag fuck so we're back and you know we recorded we pre-recorded episodes that we uploaded

them I thought we were gonna have trouble uploading them from average I didn't tell you that I was like oh with their little elephant fucking internet the zebras running out ahead to pull the internet we're gonna struggle to upload this but we actually had great internets that was surprising I know but one we were one episode short of what we need because we didn't factor in flying back and being dead flying around the world it took 26 hours to get home yesterday and then by the time we get home release do we record and I went straight to to a gig to work today forget it and even right now it's about

8 30 at night our time melting and it's slowly I don't even know how we're gonna do this because we've had some wine now to help our fucking brain our body and everything is nine hours ahead yeah of 8 30 at night which is what it's a gillian clock but thank you for giving us the opportunity to deliver you a late episode this is your mom's house where can people see your jeans oh my gosh you guys my jeans are gonna be super high I'm going to the Miami improv oh five September 12th through 17th my jeans are gonna be there and then Peoria Illinois at the comedy jukebox now I do I pronounce the else Illinois no I don't

say that so stupid you know you're a noi you know Peoria Richard Pryor no he's not yes he is so cool do you think he'll be there he might be at the club he might be at the show hmm that's the birthplace of Richard Pryor and Sam Keneson I think also oh wow it's a very good comedy town comedy jukebox September 27th through 29th come see me what about you James I'm gonna be in Toronto Canadian I think September 20th through the 24th I think I think it's like a Friday Saturday Sunday Monday something like that weird thing but it's just for

laughs in Toronto so I'm doing a bunch of different shows there so do that and then I think just after that sometime in early late September early October I'm playing Winnipeg rumors rumors comedy club Winnipeg I love Canadians you do man you've been really tearing it up in Canada this year fucking love them but if you guys ever ever I know sometimes you tweet us and you're like when are you coming to Chicago when are you coming yeah always check our websites Tom Segura calm or Christina comedy calm and we keep all our dates updated there wait a minute is your last name comedy I didn't know that last names too hard to

put on a website last name was comedy well are we ready can we start them damn fucking what can I do for you today okay I have this problem this very delicate matter have a friend of mine wants to immigrate to South Africa yes of course I can certainly help him do that oh sure but I want you to talk a matter talking about yeah what ever for what you see this is such a bad time for him to go to South Africa I mean with all the trouble and everything okay look why don't you ask your friend to come back later in the week we can sit down you see how you

do it I think there must be some mistake say what listen to your friend here he knows what he's talking about I don't think you really want to go to South Africa why not because you're black you are he is of course I'm black that's all I want to go to South Africa to join up with my oppressed brothers to take up the struggle against the tyranny of the racist fascist white minority regime fascist white regime one man one vote one man one vote free South Africa you dumb son of a bitch this is big time don't bring anyone loving to this welcome welcome to your

mom's house with Tom Segura Kristina Pajitsa Kristina Pajitsa welcome to your mom's house now man it's good to be back it's so good to be back and to play that clip because for the first week we were there kept saying that over and over black your black and it's not black it's black it's black it's an E you're black you're black love to say that you know what's a trip though being in South Africa is that black people are just they're called blacks yeah the categories it was kind of weird in the beginning to be able to just say there's definitely some of this

image that you have to say black yeah they don't they don't go African I mean they're African to say yeah but they don't like say oh you know he's like you're black yeah and then they have another category that's perfectly not only accepted it's it's that's what you're supposed to say yeah and that is colored and colored weird to say basically the best way to explain it to outsiders is it's essentially mixed people right like black plus something else yeah like when you know when you see like a like somebody who's black and white they'd be like oh you're colored right but they don't go like you know here it's

an outdated and considered bigoted term yeah crazy for black right like that there's a progression it went Negro in like the you know late 1800s early 1900s yeah then colored right yeah Negro then color I wasn't a lot I wasn't around back then Tom I think but I think colored was after so anyways what I'm saying is that in our minds what is a outdated and not acceptable term yeah is what they categorize a whole race of people as they still they still yeah it's common it's common to say that and it's not considered offensive you know that was the one of the big jokes from a South African comic David Cowell when he was

performing was talking about Obama and he like you know these Americans think that Obama is their first black president and then he like pauses he goes he's colored the place explodes yeah but you have to put together that you know for them he's not black correct yeah he's mixed right and which means he's colored which is so crazy so obviously we just came back from South Africa yeah this is our South Africa this is our episode and so when you get there and you you look around you're like oh there's so many different people and then someone breaks it down for you the the apartheid system which is fucking

horrific yeah and we went to the apartheid museum and we we saw Nelson Mandela's house anyway it was amazing right it was awesome there it is there we go I love it and there's like tribal like it's you recognize the song I don't know is this from the Nando show this is what David will come out to yeah a version of this yeah what is this some fucking African so but they broke it down when they break it down for you as an outsider you're like what so there's the Dutch came yeah colonized these sweet African people took their gold basically and put it in the system of apartheid which is horrifying and

categorized people and subjugated black people to living in slums and it was awful it is it really is a realization of white supremacy in as a societal norm like oh yeah it's crazy yeah when you see how fucking just terrible that system awful white people are it was the most abusive awful thing yeah I mean you know you read stuff in books and you like in our own history is pretty awful too but when you there's a so much more recent you know they weren't democracy till 1994 and that's really when apartheid essentially ended right so we were so kids when they're well I wasn't I was in junior high when Nelson Mandela was

released yeah on the radio yeah and I remember like kind of understanding what was going on but then when you go there so there's categories of human beings this is how they categorize people there's white people mm-hmm which you're super lucky if you're white and you get your life is chill awesome yeah you get to be educated as high as you want you get you get land and then there's black people which is like you're just fucked you don't get to go to school beyond sixth grade mm-hmm and then there's colored people which is a black plus a mixture of anybody yeah thing and Indians is their own and there's a ton of

Indians South Africa ton and they have the wealth which is good who has the wealth Indians they say are pretty well like in Durban oh now you mean now not back in the day yeah yeah well there's just so many so there's bound to be some that are pretty well off I guess yeah like it India Indians are like Mexicans in the States that's such a good analogy Tom really it's true they aren't good with money my stepdad who's Indian no don't mean that with money saying like them being outsiders but having a huge presence in the country all the Mexicans of Africa yeah right there are Mexicans yeah that's true

babe um so that was crazy you're black you're black and then their e's are a's and their a's are e's yes yes and then they always say plaza yeah plaza that's a big thing that they say like when you say thank you they go plaza but it gets creepy after a minute it gets very creepy when people are keeping plaza to you our sweet friend Lauren always was with the plaza plaza hello am I supposed to do this thank you for bringing me this plaza very friendly plaza sealed you know what I realized Tommy is that South Africans are much nicer than we are definitely by far yeah and it was

pretty much across the board yeah I didn't get any shitty weird feelings from anybody no weird looks no attitude nothing no we're just great smiling are you guys do comedians and super nice to us really and then we get back to the States and it's like fuck you motherfucker all right back to everybody is like fuck are you looking at here we go what quit eyeballing me man what I don't mean nobody eyeballs you there the super nice we joked about AIDS a lot when we were there tons a lot of AIDS jokes we opened a lot with AIDS jokes and I found that it's not it's not being funny after walks I was like oh

this kind of shit's real for them like not for me it wasn't really I dropped my AIDS joke last few shows like it did it all 15 shows for me yep I'm gonna I'm hoping to get a copy of it cuz David recorded yeah one of the sets so I got it on video I'm gonna post it online it's just real over there what AIDS yeah yeah yeah there's a one point in your acts that you start by being like who's from Johannesburg and then you go who is from South Africa who's proud to be South African and then you go who doesn't have AIDS and then it's significantly drops off like significantly less people cheer yeah and

then you're like well no I'm not gonna be fucking tonight and it gets a great laugh but you're like oh wow this shit's real very real yeah that's why it gets a big reaction though too yeah if it weren't real nobody like if you said that in any other number of countries they would be like huh why is he at like did they react because it's relevant of course yeah that's really and oh man that was depressing you know was crazy when we were over there is the the coal miners strike and the police gunned down 30 coal miners yeah and we were 34 and then a few died later in the hospital oh my god like 40 total died well I mean

it's sad and awful we were watching it as it was happening yeah it was pretty wild man they they just fucking open fire on a bunch of protesting miners protesters with machetes yeah not not carrying guns you know what's surprising to me was I mean I don't know how many of our listeners follow this story but a lot of the people I spoke to South Africans and I'm talking about like black South Africans yeah totally were like oh no the cops had to do that right I thought everybody was gonna be like like here whenever cops shoot and kill people the you know sort of the the sentiment from people is like he

believes asshole cops fuck the police yeah you know excessive force is always the thing yeah ever over there everybody was like well what the fuck do you expect those guys had machetes well they had knives guys had knives knives are up against rifles anything well that's what I was getting at and I think that is the Americans have such a low tolerance for that type of violence but over there it was like yeah well that's fucking our normal yeah and it does make you realize how lucky and and kind of cool it is that we don't get gunned down daily man police force for protesting one thing that traveling always kind of

teaches you is just how lucky you are to be born in the right place oh I think about all the time and god damn it when you see the way some people live you're like yeah what did I do you know to be to deserve this life I think about it every day I think about it my parents if I forget all the time hungry I could be living in Budapest I could be fucking living with my retarded cousin Chubba don't you forget and take things for granted though too I do man when I get upset because my fucking you know sandwich didn't come fast enough or like we had are like yeah my meal isn't exactly as I wanted yeah yeah it's

depressing they're like right now I'm hot I'm like fuck man yeah hot I'm not perfect right now right that's totally what we are everything's not awesome all the time for us when everything around me is not perfect I deserve to complain about that lack of perfection yeah my situation mm-hmm very upsetting my internet connection not fast enough fuck DVR didn't record and then we get we get to yell at people in this car we get to call somebody and go this fucking isn't working as fast as I want it to work and they go I'm so sorry can I give you a right a refund of some kind you're like yeah yeah whatever what do you think

happens in Africa when something goes wrong yeah you know they talk like that you guys they talk like that the clicking stuff it's called Cosa yeah Cosa Cosa and they fucking talk and clicks it's a coolest thing ever people in real life like I'm I know you don't you know it but you don't until you see it like they're tribal people man people that speak Zulu and Colsa and all these crazy languages yeah for cons and they all live together side-by-side it's pretty incredible it's awesome it's pretty incredible they really do pull off like a melting pot I think better than

I've seen because there really is like a kind of a sense of harmony there isn't there what is yeah there was a word that I'm gonna go use yeah intertwined this girl that was running our thing intertwined and I thought well that's a neat way of putting it because we live next door to Mexican people to black people but our lives are not as intertwined yeah obviously to some extent but not as much this beautiful country beautiful people we should say like our show we had a great we had a great show man shows were amazing yeah I mean what a cool way they did it we had our show was basically this we did

we were doing theaters we did a week in Durban and then a week in Johannesburg and or Josie excuse me or Joe Berg excuse me we had Brian Hayner guitar guy who opened for Jeff Dunham he did years with Jeff Dunham yeah he came out and he would open the show and then what he would do he would do it just a few minutes but then he would do the South African national anthem on electric guitar there's something about being in in whatever country you're in and then and somebody playing the national anthem on electric guitar yeah that sets shit off in a way that you really can't you know you can't compete with that

yeah there's no way you could compete doing what he did with like an emcee coming out and be like you guys ready to have fun tonight oh yeah the crowdsword is I can't hear you yeah and he would take it to like a 10 with his playing within a couple minutes amazing I mean the applause the reaction from his song and the national anthem was arguably the most explosive reaction period you know it's in the first few minutes I know I know do you know how stupid I was every time I hear him do it I'd picture our national anthem and then I'd get really excited thinking about him playing our national because I didn't want to give it

to them I'm gonna fuck you man this isn't my aunt that'd been so funny if he had played America's best country in the world he went out yeah he did that and then our host for for the whole thing was finesse Mitchell who I had never met before finesse Mitchell was on SNL yeah which is pretty pretty crazy tiny credit little show called Saturday Night Live but what I was most blown away by I had no idea I didn't even know until a few days we were backstage talking and I was like where are you from and he was like from Atlanta I'm like how'd you go to high school there he's like yeah and then oh I this how it came up I go so you

a Georgia fan or a Georgia Tech fan because usually Atlanta people are one or the other and he was like neither like I went to University of Miami so I believed orange and green and I was like oh I go I think he just said like I played football there I was like you played football at the University of Miami and he was like yeah like 91 to 94 and I was like so you have a national championship ring he was like yeah I was like what the fuck man that's way cooler than SNL so that blew me away and finesse was a great guy we got to spend a couple weeks with him he brought his sweet lady with him

Dries so that was fun to hang with them so oh then I would go up and then then in each city we had local like contest winners yeah like open mic or type kids that I've been doing in a few times but they both fucking destroyed yeah they were amazingly good for their like I thought level I thought the first kid Dusty he did great he did great he they he killed every night and then and I was like okay well like you know he pulled it off then we get to Johannesburg and they tell us that the guy that won the contest has only done stand-up five times yeah and we're doing an 1800 seat venue so we all are like this fucking kid is

gonna eat his dick I know and I was kind of anticipating it I was that first day I was like oh you're gonna eat shit yeah but you told me to stop making fun of him cuz you're like just living long he's so nervous I thought he was gonna fucking have a heart attack now nobody did super well he didn't even do super well he crushed he did as well as anybody he fucking killed yeah killed I know I could not but when he came off I was I took me the whole way I was like there's no way this kid hasn't done any other type of performance finally at the end of the week I was like have you ever done anything on stage he's like I was a

theater major and I was like okay so that's why you're a hundred percent comfortable yeah walking around talking on stage in front of people but it was it was incredible and then Ian bag would go up who is retardedly if you guys don't know Ian bag is we're gonna have him on the podcast just Google him watch his clips just pay attention to Ian bag because he is so fucking talented I mean that guy would just blow the roof off the joint every night he's so amazingly funny yeah it was Canadian guy living in the US well he's American he's American he's gonna be American if he's not we have to have him as a citizen now but he

is yeah he's fucking other level powerhouse like he really would he's the best he's the best crowd work comedian I've ever seen hands down yeah yeah I've never seen anybody as good to be able to do that I mean you have to understand too in the audiences are very mixed it was like the black people yes white people Indian people everybody together there was one night where there were Muslims like full bearded and and then the women were like totally covered Muslims in the front row which in the United States I think I've only ever seen once in 10 years of stand-up yeah and this night it was like a row of

Muslims and Ian comes out and just starts fucking with them and getting them laughing and it's such a skill yeah very hard to do by the way yeah different cultures I don't think people I mean people who have done stand-up 20 years sometimes can't do crowd work oh yeah it's a whole skill set and yeah he's as good as it gets we gotta have we're gonna have these people in here yeah so our show let's see we would go and then interval which is intermission they call it interval yeah and then you then Brian again finesse then you would go up yeah and that was fun it was fun because it was women's month there's a thing

called yeah you have to understand that politically socially they're about 20 years behind the United States because of the apartheid ending in 94 so like it's basically how it was in like the late 60s early 70s here and yeah it's very politically charged very politically charged and also like feminism kind of sort of exists there not really so they have to have women's month which is where people are nice to women treat them as not equals but whatever it was a fucking trip so I get out there and sometimes I'd see people like arms crossed we had great sets it was fun we all did look it was shooting fish in a barrel you can't

it was so much fun I am we got to pick our own songs yeah I'm so bum that I didn't come out I want you know afterwards I was like how did we all were like oh man funny song this is a real uplifting jam Tom but yeah if they said please welcome to the stage song on the planet and then I just walk out yeah it was crying because it's video so they don't have winter coats in Africa they can't afford that without enough to eat I'm trying to picture the moment I want to walk out you get to pick your moment right if they cue it up to 50 come on I want to I want to practice

this once okay okay right here you it up to one oh five come to the stage girl thank you who here doesn't have aids raise your hand who doesn't have a this is the best comedy intro song ever the saddest song you know what I should have gone up to remember that USA for Africa song man do they know it's Christmas time and see the world no it's what other starvation songs do we have well this is it I love this song growing up God I love this video Cindy Loppers in this oh man this was such a big deal how come it wasn't USA to end

apartheid where was that fucking concert business interests god we're such a really that's why we didn't coca-cola we didn't have any we didn't impose sanctions until the end because I hate white people now Lionel you served in the world must come together as one please welcome to the stage Kristina hey Joanna's bird how are you guys feeling raise your hands unless you're too hungry to raise them in which case keep them down serve your energy as Kenny Rogers before everybody came on his face in my beard his fucking face is wrecked now Tina has a voice that's great big family there's Billy this is not

USA this is Michael he gets his own shot in the video he's not mingling with others no no they say I think separately they take yeah that was a separate shot Diana Ross oh yeah then they cut in Mike alone yeah he isn't doesn't have time to go down shoot that thing no no no fucking Michael send him your heart oh that's a what's her name yeah someone can miss will be Willie Nelson yeah come on I love this growing up yeah it's told us my turning stones to breed so we all must I don't know I don't know oh you know that is a boss that's about he looks like

he's taking a shit he really does I fucking hate that guy so much George Michael do you think he has AIDS George Michael has AIDS no who's that asshole who's this guy oh this is Perry from Journey yeah we make a better great song that we should have done that but then do they know it's Christmas time that should be the other one too yeah feed we so I can't believe we missed that we missed it so badly and then like Paul Simon diamonds on the souls yeah and like all those fucking South African songs fuck man I know at least the Paul Simon song that's cool to play right yeah which which song is it diamonds on

the souls of her shoes about the diamond mining no what's the other one though we were listening to yeah I'm going to Greece land no you don't oh what the whole album I was listening to what's the one that I kept singing I don't know which will get fucking sing it I can't remember it now man walks down this is it you can call me out you can call me out yeah man walks down the fucking why am I jeans so low why am I jeans so they know oh we had one of our guys driving us around he had his jeans way up we're gonna send real high we talked about jeans so much with him he's like send me some jeans it's an old joke

it's an old joke every day you make joke about my jeans send me some jeans so you know what's different about like Euro jeans and African jeans is that they're way faggy yeah like rhinestone like you know he wears white wash jeans you're like what are you doing your jeans are fucking gay like we even asked we go what kind of jeans do I like these when they're white wash jeans and he's like we're like how about some dark yeah like some Levi's dark jeans how about some American jeans some Wranglers and shit there it is this would have been fun this whole album I love yeah fuck fucked up this has been good has has good

feelings cartoon in the cartoon graveyard bone digger bone it's a great video yeah with Chevy Chase yeah who had a crush on growing up to him he's a fucking talented guy you know the songs about a midlife crisis no I didn't know that I don't know anything about lyrics ever that's right you're I'm a lyrics person you're like just like the way it sounds yeah even I consider like the like the singing in a song yeah it's like an instrument to me oh yeah I just hear the way it goes yeah remember that song that I was like what is this song yeah oh the breakup song yeah

go to go to go to go to go to go to yeah it's like they like they used to know yeah you read the lyrics you know this is fucking retarded seventh grade but I never heard the lyrics I just heard it like a song you know like I can't do that like when people are talking I have to listen to the meaning and if it's stupid I can't fucking take it I'm the opposite and maybe that's why I tolerate so many people but Paul Simon both lyrics outstandingly good music he's a brilliant fucking he's a musical genius for sure do you know I would open I'd be like here's what I knew about South Africa guys I knew Paul Simon and

AIDS so you had your AIDS joke I did I but then I changed it later but they laughed at me and I was like I love Paul Simon I guess they think he's a fucking asshole or something you know he's a real asshole yeah Toby Keith fuck Toby Keith no I fucking hate him too yeah do you know that he's mean to the troops when he when he he went to Afghanistan before I did yeah years back I heard he was a total shitbag the troops he wouldn't sign autographs he wouldn't talk to anybody literally came in did the show and like disappeared what the fuck man fuck you Toby Keith do you really hate why do you hate Toby Keith I saw his face

right now mmm Toby Keith loves a new a new song called I like girls that drink beer oh boy you fucking cuntface he is a cuntface asshole fake teeth Tommy fake tooth motherfucker let's tell them the story about the journalist remember we were on the radio oh my god we did radio in Durban this is exactly what happened yeah so we do radio and then while we're on radio the the local guy there in Durban named Dusty Dusty Rich says that oh Tommy and Christina are going to adopt me you know and bring me back to the joke being that Americans adopt African babies right and yeah and Dusty's a I don't know 25-year-old white

guys we're like we're not gonna adopt you yeah once a fucking full-grown white man yeah we want a cute little black baby yeah so then we actually say though but you know what we will adopt one of you so if you come if you come to the show tonight and the rest of the weekend Durban we'll interview people and we'll adopt one of you yeah it couldn't have been more like blatantly a joke well we're comedians on the radio on the radio and then we said if you come to our show we might adopt right that was the sales pitch and then I get an email a few hours later and the subject line says what on earth did you do and

then I always a good email yeah from the director of the festival you're doing yeah open the email and they've forwarded one of the journalists in South Africa was like you'll bar Tom and Christina I heard them on radio are they serious about adopting a child if they are please give me their numbers so that I can interview them about their adoption procedures if this is a joke then disregard and so I typed it back up to Annika our our press person get aids I know I wrote I told her what happened I was like well here's what happened on the radio and I go I can't believe somebody would think this is

serious and then she wrote back they thought it was serious because they're fucking idiots right well wait wait I like what you think on we didn't but just so you know did you notice that we never got asked back to do radio since that interview that was the last press we did everybody else was doing like press every day yeah you you and I did not ask back Mitch we didn't finish talking about the show obviously we saw but Ian and Mitch and finesse right every day we're like I gotta go do press now we did it once we're like we've had like 10 days off without yeah the cigars they were like they were like I know

you have your free day again you're fucking 15 we didn't get up so wait so after I went up who is after me David fucking cow you guys not look I've been doing stand-up 10 years it I'm not trying to sound arrogant or pompous when I say this but it does take I think a pretty good amount to impress me like I don't get impressed easily yeah my comics and everywhere I go people say like oh you know you know who's really good and they all you know they talk about some guy that you don't know and then you see them in your life yeah he's alright like I see really funny people pretty often man like yeah it takes a

lot to dazzle Tom Segura all I'm saying is that like you know I've seen a lot yeah you know worked a lot of people we live I agree I don't think a lot of people entertainment capital of the world like I we see all the good people yeah David cow is as good a comic as I've seen he is he's got it all he's so naturally funny so smart he's doing comedy in this politically charged atmosphere of South Africa right and he does it as well as you can do it but only that for David is like because the political climate over there yeah he's like a mouthpiece for what's really happening among people it's fucking

like what he says up there yeah has impact socially and politically like it's so cool to watch watch it and it's like watching him it was it was just like I didn't even get I was talking to Finesse about this like I miss the majority of his references I don't know who he's talking about I don't know well a lot of it says South African politics it all is we know we knew Jacob Zuma who's their president after being told who that was to explain it to you but you don't I don't know the ins and outs of all that shit nope why would you right nobody does but it didn't matter like his that's my point so funny and so

amazing what when you laugh at somebody's bit and you don't know what yeah who they're talking about yeah but you still laugh it's because there's just something special about them yeah and that was David like totally blown away every night I watched him and a solid citizen he's such a good human he invited us to his home where his wife made all the comedians a home-cooked African meal right and it was so fucking good yeah she made like ribs and lamb chops and sausage and then pap which is this African corn mealy dish right it was it was so otherworldly good and they're so kind and so yeah generous I

know I kept thinking about like like now if David came here I would obviously like do whatever I could to yeah well to make for him oh my god no but I'm saying I would try to be a gracious host yeah but I was thinking if he had come here first I wouldn't be like hey man let me cook a feast for you because I'm just not as thoughtful as he is for sure but they were way way fucking nice I mean they welcomed a bunch of us into their home with their children and like you said it cooked a fucking feast it was pretty cray he was and he was like he introduced he knew everybody that was the other thing funny David and everybody

do you remember like guy that worked for like the minister of energy stopped him in a restaurant one day and talked to him for like 10 minutes while we were trying to have dinner yeah about like you make sure you make these types of jokes to telling him what material he should be doing yeah cuz cuz that's how much of an impact he has oh yeah very crazy really incredible and then after David went Mitch Faitel who had to follow what's the other thing we didn't tell you is that this guy is not only like I said really good really smart great material that he would fucking just he was the only one they got regular people

popping out of their seats you know at the end of this yeah some standing ovations and then Mitch had to follow that and you know he did damn well for having to follow somebody that just beloved in a national treasure loved in his own kind of standing ovation the last night yeah but he and throughout the week people would still stand out of course yes cray cray yeah so it was fun to hang with Mitch I've never actually spent significant time with him but you know other than like passing by in clubs and saying hello but it was fun to to hang out with him and his fiance Jess who I think now they can be back in the

States now but they're like world travelers fucking scuba diving doing all types of they're like the they're the ones who every morning like what do you guys want to do today like we're gonna stay in bed like we're gonna eat buffet and then we're gonna nap it out yeah and then watch some monkeys we're gonna go on an adventure dude do you remember the monkeys in Durban that steal like we be eating breakfast in the hotel yeah and a fucking little monkey you're like oh look how cute the little monkey is and then the monkey would leap on the table yeah steal a bunch of packets of sugar and then chug them

yeah and run away yeah it was fucking bonkers I want to tell you this really quickly before we we go any further we had a little discussion you and I yeah we've had it on the show it was definitely he said she said interesting and this may spark your memory let's go knock her in the head one day out here beside the garage because she called me on retarded I was gonna knock her in the head with claw and a lot of people they tweeted they wrote in it's I gotta be honest babe because you know I love you yeah the listeners spoke and it was pretty much a landslide you had a couple supporters but everybody pretty much

supported me and saying that she said she called me a retarded you know what the tribe has spoken and I respect our tribe mm-hmm but I in my heart of hearts I I hear retired you think he's saying she called me a retard yeah because by the way like nobody ever said well let's face it do you think Stevie's bright enough to use that extra syllable what if he's he's excitable he's excited he's talking about the claw hammer and he just gets ahead of himself that's possible yeah but I want you to could could you just listen for me I have been but could you really try here just listen all right I was gonna knock her in

the head one day out here beside the garage because she called me on retarded I was gonna knock her in the head you don't hear it I hear you don't hear the ED no I hear I hear call me a retarded here retired no she called me a retarded you really need to clean out your ears it's so clear you know what man I'm gonna stick to my guns on this Jesus I respect the tribe but I knock her in the head one day out here beside the garage because she called me on retarded I was going you don't hear the ED and no I say a retarded how do you not hear that I don't hear easy saying retarded I don't hear retarded here

retarded he says it she called me a retarded I don't hear it man maybe I'm fucking I'm hillbilly deaf I can't I can't herself fucking speak you well you guys thankfully confirmed what I already knew a retard she called me a retarded whatever we have another debate we've been talking about this one for a while we each have different opinions about what's being said let's play the clip first and then we can each make our statement okay the classic that's a classic your mom's house clip right that is from the Tourette's documentary that we had differing opinions right right right it

was kind of a given I think he's saying oh I own the road I I own the road okay you think he's saying oil oil oil in the road well and here's here's the thing though is that your theory could be correct because in the scene he's sitting in the backseat of a car and they're driving so actually both scenarios as you could be correct we could each be correct right but I hear an L sound I know what you're saying that that could be just his brogue or fucking accent or whatever the shit's going why don't you guys let us know God that's a tough one that's a it's so tough

it could be either one the oi oi sound oh yeah oh wait wait it could be oi oi right well you know you guys you can let us know again what you think do you think her jeans are right or do you think boy well can we talk about first of all with the most important thing that happened on this trip is the most important thing that happened on this trip absolutely we should talk you know I've heard some criticism by the way some people have labeled our show nothing but a shit talking fest just a show where people talk about their bowel movements frankly I find it very disrespectful me too and very offensive

that's not what this show is about well no it's not just about bowel movements it's about farting yeah it's about burping wiping wiping and now another topic how do you want to get into this why don't you explain and then we can play the audio that accompanies or because we you were very thoughtful on top of what happened you said let's get a record of this right now well because it happened here's so something happened on the way over on our flight and I wanted to get it in the moment of what had happened because I didn't want I didn't want weeks and weeks to go by and then we come back and you kind of go

what happened that day yeah and I you know how it is when you when something critical happens you need to journal it you write it down to get your feelings and everything in this and in the moment so we we did an impromptu like audio recording of me retelling and Tom and I talking about what happened on the flight over and so Tom are you gonna you're gonna play it this is us in Durban discussing it's recording what do you think that it's exciting we're in our hotel room right now we Durban's we flew from LA to Atlanta Atlanta to Johannesburg or Joe Berg locals call it and then we got on another plane and

flew to Durban but an interesting thing happened while we were in route from Atlanta to Johannesburg actually they know you're right it but I don't know not sure when the incident occurred well but you're getting ahead of yourself what happened was don't tell what happened I'm saying what happened was you passed me well don't tell them that part I'm do you know to tell a story okay you talk go ahead you talk you passed me a note while we're on the flight that said something and I was like oh and I thought it was a joke and then you stood up and you came over and why don't you tell everybody what happened okay so here's

what happened I we flew from LA to ATL and I was ripping some farts like I normally do because we got up really early you know and when you wake up early you get very gassy and so I was just ripping them like I normally do with pride and I did some heat on the second flight we were both so second flights where I really dropped some damage and as did I so here I am from Atlanta to Johannesburg and I'm just ripping them ripping them ripping them hot ones too really hot and I go to the bathroom just to go pee because I can't really take shits on planes and I noticed that there was a little brown in my

underwear and I thought oh my gosh is this what is this and and I remember you telling me stories about about sharding mm-hmm and I went to wipe and shurn up there was evidence that you sharded you're a whole life I can't believe it I can't believe it either here let's go back to it well because we had tacos before we got I'm just remembering now that we got juicy ones juicy tacos in the Atlanta airport and then we ate on the plane right away right so now but you know how in hindsight it's always 2020 of course and I'm like well of course I sharded we had fucking tux before we've got on the plane some real juicers

so you sharded I had my first chart ever ever in my entire I've never started I know I'm a man I feel like I've become a really wings welcome to the club now grown man I want to make something I want to ask a couple questions okay so you don't notice anything until okay I know I know you pull your drawers down right you taking a leak just fun and you just look down and you see in the in the in the undercarriage yeah now the thing is they're blue they're a blue underwear right and so I was like oh what's that is that what I fucking think it is that brown and and I was like oh my I had a moment of how

much how much brown was in the under just a spot like a like a stain like a showing was it like chunky though no was there was there was it like just a smudge it was like a crayon like if you took a crayon and you rubbed it in the underwear just a dot a brown crayon but then here's the worst part yeah that when I went to wipe there was a lot of brown there was and I panic because I'm like what what do I do I've got shitty brown underwear on the airplane we have 16 hours to go I can't sit in these yeah and so I wet it some paper towels and you you turn them around you warm inside out the front when you do wait you

turn do you turn your panties inside out when you shard of course everybody does that not everybody everybody if you shit a little bit in your underwear you flip it inside out as people do then the poo rubs on your pants it's fine inside out you let the shitty part on your pants you're gonna just rub it down but yeah sure you do that's disgusting okay so wait so you took underwear off so yeah so I cleaned up I was crazy that when we pause until we say the exact same thing twice so bizarre our brains are just really one stupid yeah harsh paper towels which in retrospect not a good idea because right now my bum bum is

pretty sore yeah from from putting water on it and then washing it off for the paper towel so make sure it was all clean and then I took the underwear off and I threw it away in the trash and then I that's when I saw you I came back and I was free-balling in my sweatpants and I was like babe you got to help me bring down my carry-on because here's here's what I do I always when we were in backstage and you said Tom Tom always has blood and he wipes and Ian and Brian were like really how much like it's like big dark pools of blood and they were like really yeah so scary brown brown red carry on carry extra

underwear mm-hmm toothpaste floss of course and a day's worth of clothing just in case and so I got down the underwear and then I put the under on and the bummer of all this is that I was sleeping for the rest of trip and I was so afraid to fart you were I know I've had that the fear of farting when you're afraid of your own farts especially if you had one sneak at earlier yeah I was like I don't want to be afraid of my own farts and is this what it's like to be a man I'm not sure I want to be a man anymore no sure what it's like to be a man all the time we all have days like that but then how do you know when you

can fart and when you can't fart you just got a fart all the time but there's just when once your underwear is soiled like that then you know that you're having a day where you got to dial it in I threw it out in the airplane you threw out underwear in the air shit shit pants shit pants are in the Delta whoever had to clean up that saw my shitty dirty underwear I mean there was was there like you'd say like a handful of shit and then no I mean literally it would be as though you took like a crayon and like let's say how big of a line like a dime it was actually a round mark like a dime size yeah and so you like there

was a mess in my butt cheeks there was a definitely a kind of a mess in there really little little Hershey's smear like if you take a Hershey's kiss and you let it melt so that one was a little thick a little juicy a little bit I'm not gonna it wasn't a chunk of poo but it was poo-ish it was like a residue it was like a I don't know how to explain it like if I were to take a mouthful chocolate and kind of whistle like like blow something spray spray a brown spray you know I think it was I wanted to tell you this because I realized my mistake when I was on the plane I was on the plane I was like after we had

dinner I was chilling I was like oh I'm really dropping some heat and then there was a couple that really almost made me get up and walk away and a little I had a little discomfort and I was like God you know what the problem was those talks the problem was two talks should have one talk just to hold me over sorry guys we did have talks to talk and spicy hot sauces yeah you know what though Tom ever after that day I was afraid to fart for a couple of days mm-hmm I'm not afraid anymore you got your your confidence back I got my I got my brown wings back I own the road I own the road absolutely well well brown

oil I'm not afraid anymore but I a lot of people have been asking us about African dumps yes and they were pretty good well you may have had better luck than me you didn't have terrible well I didn't have a couple days you said I got African dumps today I got when the African dumps are by the way what I told the story today on the set that you sharded you did not are you being serious yeah yeah I told everybody and they were like really and I was like yes I was telling the story and the makeup girl was like I started once oh fuck knocked over the bottle right typical here I'm gonna get some toilet paper okay can't

really tell you this okay well I'm right here I'm listening okay well what happened well hold on why don't we clean this up first guys this is real time you get to spend time here you're right next to it it's not big don't cry about it it's not small that's not as big as it used to be wait you told people that I sharded telling the whole world right now yeah but but that's people that choose to listen yeah not like your employers that's all right no I didn't tell the executives oh god I just told everybody else so good so I go to my wife sharded I tell them the story and then yeah the makeup girls like I

sharded once really she's like yeah I was talking talking to my friend on the phone and I went to fart and I was like oh my god and then I go what color clothes were you wearing and she goes brown juice water I was like what and then I realized she thought I was asking like what color did it come out I was like no no no like what what color clothes were you wearing like people see it she was like brown juice water ran down my legs but that sounds like a diarrhea chart right if it was basically I just had like I know morning anxiety dutes like when I wake up early in the morning I just usually get

gassy and sloppy yeah but yeah it can happen it can happen anywhere but my African dumps for those who they're asking I've been dying to tell you guys this so what would happen like I would eat like a salad there and then a few hours later I would get severe cramping abdominal cramping the point where I'd be like bent over just oh fucking it hurts it hurts and I'd have to take my iPhone into the bathroom and like play Scrabble and then eventually I would shit it'd be like a normal shit yeah and then you get some cramping but it was weird so those are my African dumps we just get like severe pain and then a

normal dude comes out which is fucking bizarre but then I also had like full blown diarrhea we're like just whatever I ate like 20 minutes later it would come right out of me I got real lucky on this trip and we were expecting the worst you and I got Cipro and we were like we're gonna get diarrhea we're gonna plan I woke up at 5 a.m. and took a shit and took an African dump which is not like me you've never done I usually get up to take shirts in the middle of the night yeah but you did and we also didn't get any colds or sick I did feel in Joberg the dryness was really starting to get to me and polluted my boogers are

black and stuff in my chest I was like fuck man I'm getting sick but then it simply flew back I was better yeah I think the pollution is pretty fucking terrible they're pretty intense man I didn't notice the food is very good we got fat in Africa Tom and I game crazy so much weight so it's delicious and I think the only thing that got me were salads every time I had a salad I would get diarrhea yeah but the food was amazing we actually awesome like you said in your joke I'm the only person that came to Africa and got fat yeah they love that yeah as soon as you tell people that they're pretty they can't

believe it you know they're gonna get your life tell you to get your shit together um oh this is something I'm really excited to say yes mommy it's finally here my album is coming out bang in a couple weeks that's so exciting jeans I talked to the people that are doing the the cover art and pressing the CDs and all that and of course it'll be online but it's you know I've been talking about it for months it's it's about two weeks away so so how can people get it what I've set up is if you go to my website if you go to Tomcigura.com and on the homepage on the bottom right area it says subscribe and if you put in

your name and email you'll be notified when it goes on sale we're obviously gonna talk about it on the podcast when it comes out and it'll be a you know a tweet about it and all that stuff but if you want to be like hey here's an alert it's ready it's gonna be on sale the cover is super funny and cool by the way awesome hilarious I can't wait to put it out just so you know I'll just tell you now the album is called white girls with cornrows which is a fucking amazing title for our comedy album I'm pretty excited about it I'm happy with the album I'm happy with the artwork it's gonna be fun how do you feel if you're

you're I mean because I'm doing albums of very fucking yeah emotional maybe because this is your second one is a little bit easier it is but then you get to the point too because I recorded in February and you know March April May June July I stopped doing some of this stuff but then the other stuff got stronger which happens I hate that happens when I did the album in 2010 like I recorded it in January and by October all those bits were so much better there's nothing you can do about it there is that I guess that is the process is that you you're kind of recording one night yeah in in the span of your

career and it's hard to be like man yeah and it's such a bummer because the stuff that you you think is okay at the time you improve and make 100% better in a few months time yeah so you're never perfect it's never perfect the nice thing is that albums are really separate from specials so I have the I think I have the luxury of I can if I do like a special next year yeah I can do material from there that is super tight now yeah that you've worked out right because a DVD or a special is not an album like it's a separate thing so you can do material from your album on your special and know that it's a separate you

know piece of work right so that's what I'll try to do if I if I can get a special next year I mean obviously have new stuff that I'll put on there but the stuff that I feel like is tweaked and tighter now I'll do on the special too it's exciting jeans yeah so I'm excited to get them mommies I really hope to get your support on this album if you've never you know purchased any of our delightful products I'm really hoping you get the album so I'm very I'm very excited about it I'm excited to hear it and oh we want you to tell everybody obviously we were gone for about 20 days we're gonna ship out your orders

everybody that ordered stuff from our store on your mom's house podcast.com we apologize for the delays obviously because we were out of the country but we will ship everything out in the next couple days ASAP so please forgive us and if you're looking to get a top dog shirt a kingfish shirt or a highest tightest jeans bundle we're stocked up place your order right you have to get a top dog shirt it's so good I wear it the best thing about the top dog shirt is that it's kind of like a cool subtle thing yeah it's like patriotic cuz it's red white and blue and people think it's the top gun logo from far it's

really funny and it's like and if you're a fan of the podcast it's a subtle cool it's not like a brazen shirt we were advertising yeah it's pretty yeah it's kind of fucking cool like I wear it a lot on stage one of the love that fucking shirt security guys at a club I worked a few weeks ago yeah it was like man can I get one of them shirts I was like yeah and then his boys came to the club to go out for the night and he wore his top dog shirt no club yeah that's so funny pretty funny yeah cuz people who don't even know the podcast will buy that shirt sometimes well you'd have to really stare at it to figure it out

that's the thing you just look that you wouldn't think it's anything but just fuck babe we got to tell top dog my short story yeah yeah yeah we should call him and tell him yeah we should call him and then maybe get stories of his sharts that's not a bad idea yeah so look forward to hey buddy it's a three-day weekend you gonna you have big plans fucking sleeping yeah I'm tired I know let's go to bed let's go to bed let's put this up okay gotta put up the mom cast well thank you guys as always for listening to us your mom's house podcast.com is our site please go there I was talking to them stay updated on our

schedule sorry no I was just thanking them I was having a moment with our listeners and then you totally interrupted I really didn't mean to thank you guys for listening I I missed you guys I missed talking to you when we were in member in Africa. You really did. I missed doing our podcast. You really did. You know talking to the people that give a shit about our lives and we thank you for that so much and we're happy to share it with you yep we love you we love you go to our site also facebook.com slash your mom's house podcast you can like that page and see all the wonderful you can comment you can vote on the

polls that people put up I hope somebody puts up a poll for I own the road and oil on the road and that's obvious and then retarded it's retarded I can't believe what it's easy it's like are you retired yeah if you don't hear retarded you guys are the best thanks for listening to the show we love you very much you're my jeans my mommy's fucking canned