Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Phil Hanley Was A Male Model?! | Your Mom's House Ep.685

Episode Date: December 7, 2022

YMH LIVE is HERE! Get into the holiday spirit with the main mommies! Come join us for A Very Cool Christmas, THIS FRIDAY, Dec. 9th at 8pm CT. Get your tickets NOW at https://livestream.ymhstudios.com/ Pull your jeans all the way up over your head because Tom Segura and Christina P are back for another week of Your Mom's House Podcast! We start off debating some Would You Rathers, find out some plus sized models weren't let into a night club, and Tom reacts to his interview with Quentin Tarantino.Then, we welcome our guest, comedian Phil Hanley who has a comedy special available now on YouTube called "Ooh La La." They talk about hecklers, Phil's modeling career, posting standing up comedy, and Dyslexia. They watch some Horrible or Hilarious clips, some new stuff from RPC, and discuss Ted Cruz and Justin Trudeau. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

YMH Live! A very cool Christmas is this Friday! This is it! Get your tickets right now. We have all new YMH Originals. We have special guests, Bobby Lee, a very heavy segment, and a special pre-show VIP package with the great Josh Potter. Get into the holiday spirit with us here at YMH Studios. Go to livestream.ymhstudios.com and get tickets right now. Tom? So you are not Superman, right? That's French for you are not Superman. So I think he's telling him, I mean come on, you're the Canadian. I know, but I can't even read English. Uh. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. You're my son. I'm your mom. You're my son. I'm your mom. Ask them will you. Ask, ask, ask them will

get your mom. Yes, I would. You're my son. I'm your mom. You're just like the gays. You're just like, just, just, just, just, just, you're just like the gays. I looked at her and she looked at me. You're just like the gays. Once in a while he calls me mom, you know what I mean? You're both consenting to adults. Ask them will you. Ask, ask, ask them will you. I looked at her and she looked at me. You're my son. I'm your mom. You're just like the gays. You're just like, just, just, just, you're just like the gays. Ask them will you. Ask, ask, ask them will you. You're just like the gays. Wow. You know what's so interesting is that we were watching Back to the Future last night

and that is about would you want to date your mom? It's just like the gays. It's just like the gays. I forgot and then you're watching the movie and you realize he's back in 1955 and his mom is like smitten with him and she's just like, oh my god. She's totally falling for him and she kisses him at one point. Yeah, it's so hot. She's trying to bang him. She's like, stop being a bitch. Get your dick out. And he's like, oh, because he knows it's his mom. But Lorraine doesn't know. No. That's exactly what happened with those two. Didn't she not know? Well, that's the thing. This is supposed to be something that happens more commonly in psychology. There's a term for this where if people have been separated, like if actual family have been

separated for a long period of time, some of the way that the feelings manifest when you reunite can lead to like sexual feelings. That could be like siblings that haven't known each other and even parents. But you know, it's hot either way. It's either it's just hot. It's super hot. I'm all for dating your mom. Who better? I'm all about it. Who doesn't know you like your mommy? Yeah. You know, that's so cool. Would you date your mom? No. Would you jerk off in front of your mom? No. What if? No. Would you rather? No. Would you rather? Another one on the topic. Would you rather every time you masturbate, you look deeply into your mother's eyes or every time you masturbate, you do it as a

live stream event and you like tweet it out. You let the whole world know. Tom's to grow is masturbating in five minutes. That live stream. You would live stream your charts as opposed to looking in your mom's eyes once. Yeah. Not even a single doubt about it. Why? Because you get used to it. It comes a cool thing you do. Well, you know, there'd be shock and awe and people would be like, what are you doing? And then you get used to it. You don't think you don't think it would mess with your stand up career at all. Maybe. Maybe people would be like, let's go watch that guy do stand up that we watch jerk off all the time. Like, do you think? Hey, do you know that guy

that we always see jerk off? He does stand up. Right. Like, it's a cool surprise when they find out. There are people that discovered me from that first. Like, all the news stories pick it up. Also, I mean, not to toot my own horn. Yeah. But I think a lot of people would be like, if they knew me just from jerking off, they'd be like, this guy's a pretty proficient stand-up comedian. Like, I'm not like a guy who's like, oh, I, you know, I also sing and they go watch me at some bar. They'd be like going to an arena and being like, this guy's a pretty good stand up. They're legit impressed. And he comes pretty hard. Yeah. But I also think that you would get so used to the live jerking that you would do it so fast. You would probably, it would be like,

if they don't log in within 10 seconds, you're done. And people would be like scoring them. They'd be like, you weren't really failing it today, huh? You look kind of half hard when you came. Or, wow, you were really backed up. Yeah. And also, it's like, you're going to be doing it from different hotel rooms. You're going to have to like, you're going to do it wherever you're at, like you're, you're paying bus. Zero question. Well, okay. So how about for you, would you rather, oh my God, you put a vibrator to your couch and you have to look into your dad's eyes. Throw up. Right. I don't know. You have to look into his eyes as you come. I can't. Just like back to the future. Right. And he has to say, good, good.

We didn't say that. I just added a little bit. Why did you add that? I don't know. That was terrible. I'm just, yes, I am. That was terrible. Okay. So, well, you didn't bring in. Well, he does. Okay. He does give you an applause at the end. I didn't make applause part of your thing with your mom. Or do you live stream each of your jerks? Oh my God. I would become asexual. Like it would shut me down. So I'd be like, guess what? Guess I'm not masturbating anymore. Yeah. Guess that ship is sailed. That is a possibility, I think. Psychologically, I think a lot of people would be like, I guess I don't like sex anymore. Oh, I don't like masturbating. I could have sex with you, but I would never take on my being

ever again. It would be done. It would be done. Just to not stream it. Could you imagine everybody sees it? Your neighbors, everybody knows. You can't go to fucking HEB without everyone being like, hey, I saw you jerking off. That's so embarrassing. I don't think there's anything as embarrassing as masturbating in front of the masses. You get used to it. You know why I think you totally get used to it? Because we know adult performers, and there's like this shock when they start, and then they're just like, yeah, that's what I do. They just get used to it. But is there anything you'd be embarrassed about then, like besides masturbating in public? I'm sure I would be embarrassed by that too. I'm just saying, I think you would adapt.

But is there another behavior in your repertoire that you would find equally embarrassing as a right now? As masturbating? Masturbating's up there. Yeah. Yeah. What about taking a dump and wiping a lot? I mean, it's not. I'm not excited to show people that. I guess I'd choose that over jerking off. Oh, a hundred times. I would rather take a shit in front of the world a thousand times over than one masturbate. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't even know if I could relax enough to masturbate. Well, you have to look under the camera. You have to be like...

No. You just have to look like your pathetic, sad self. You know, like Uncle Terry, where he... Uncle Terry does make eye contact. Ew. Wow. I was surprised by that one. That's what he does. He's like, didn't realize that was going to feel so good. Ew. You're right. Like Uncle Terry looks down the barrel when he... Like he's looking at you when he comes. That is... Well, that's the connection he has with his audience. His audience enjoys it. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I'm trying to think if there's something else I'd be equally embarrassed by probably like clipping my toenails. I don't

like people watching me do that. I'm embarrassed to do that. Like I've never really done that in front of you. Yeah, you haven't. No. Flossing is private. I don't like flossing. It's not flattering things. Yeah. Yeah. You don't look cool. Climbing my nose hairs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But still, masturbating is the top, I would argue. Yeah. Yeah. Especially because you lose yourself in it. Ew. Because you have the focus. You're like, you know, then to see your whole body quiver in your face. And everybody is like, good job, Tom. Yeah. And idiots are commenting. Nice load. Yeah. And then they have to watch you clean it up. That's so good. Oh, yeah. Well, and also there's that post nut clarity you get when you're like... You're like, what am I doing?

What am I doing? Yeah. So embarrassed. I should be reading something. Yeah. Yeah. Anything else but this. It's so embarrassing. Do you want to do another would you rather since we're here? I mean, sure. Go ahead. Would you rather have a penis attached to your forehead in between your two eyes? A big, big dong. How big? Like six inches long. Six inches long? Yeah. That means it's hanging like over my nose. So I can go like and lick it. You can lick your own dick. Finally. You can also tuck it up under a beanie. You know what I mean? If you really wanted to be done with it. But it gets erect in opportune times and it can ejaculate. Is it a second penis? Yeah. I still have my own. Yeah. You still have your own. We're not going to take away the initial guy. Okay. But that other

penis will get erect. It'll ejaculate on its own sometimes randomly. It'll go flaccid at different times like a regular penis, you know? Right. Right. Yeah. Okay. Either you have that or a massive, massive set of G sized tits, like 34 G tits. 34 G tits. What's wrong with you? The tits make me laugh more than the dick Yeah. Because the dick is so absurd that people will be like, oh, is that like prosthetic? Is that a joke? Yeah. But the tits, people will be like, oh, poor guy. It's glandular or he's transitioning. Isn't that cool? Like you might get. Isn't that cool? Because now it's cool to be transitioning. Everybody wants to be the opposite, you know? By the way, what would you choose as far as

masturbating in front of your mom, looking into her eyes, or would you stream it? I'd stream it for sure. 100%. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Okay. Only fans of money. Yeah. Yeah. Oh no, you can't commodify it. It's got to be for the people. Stop. It's just for the people. You tweeted. It's like. Let us make money in our hypothetical scenario. It's just for the love. The love of Jerkinoff in front of an audience. In front of all the world. Okay, what about the dick or the tits? Well, here's the thing. I mean, the dick is like, it seems like a mutation, you know? Like, you're going to be shunned more, I think, with that. The tits, people have sympathy for you. But it also is very emasculating.

You know? You have to find like a really kind woman to be like, it's okay. I still find you attractive. Like, big G-sized tits. Are you finding someone that's into a man who's got penis and tits? Very rare. I mean, are not so rare nowadays. I don't know. It'd be tough to find that chick, I think. Oh, the chick, yeah. There's dudes that are into all of it. Yeah. Yeah. You'd have to be gay. Yeah. Imagine a pig with tits. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. You'd have to be a guy, gay guy. So you're choosing the tits? I don't know. I would choose the dick, I think, because you can hide it under a hat. And I would, and then I would take it off at parties just to entertain people and be like, hey, everybody, the dick is here. Oh man. But I wouldn't, I would hide it under

a beanie most of the other times. People, people would really, it would be tough. I don't know. I think people would really dig it, Tom. I think everyone would want a dick on their forehead after they saw mine. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine a pig with tits. That's, that's you. Yeah. But I'd have to adopt his personality. People are like, what is up with that? I'd be like, I'm a pig with tits. Yeah. You have to really own it. Like, I love my G-sized tits, but his are like moderate. They're like B-cups when he pumps them a lot. They're bigger than B. B plus. He's flapping them around. But you're going to have giant, like big mama tits. Yeah. Big fat fucking milkers, dude. Yeah. Like big fat black lady tits. Yeah. Like bus driver lady black tits. Yeah. Like very specific.

There's no way to hide that. No. No. No. You have to wear a bra with them. Like, and you can't just let them loose under your shirt. And it's kind of a bitch when you're wanting to exercise and stuff. And like no matter how much weight you lose. Exercises out the window. You'll never lose those tits. That's the crazy part. You'll never lose the tits. I think it's so emasculating that I choose the deck. I can't believe I'm saying this. I choose a deck on my forehead. A six inch deck that I can touch with the tip of my tongue. You can give yourself dick licks. That'll be nice. That'll be fun. I don't want to. I don't want to give myself dick licks. The kids would love to play with your dick head. Oh my god. Your dick.

The fuck is wrong with you? They would laugh so hard and slap around. Yeah. My dad has a penis on his forehead. Yeah. Yeah. The neighborhood kids. Yeah. But other parents wouldn't be cool with it at all. I'm such an idiot. I chose the dick but I've already got giant tits. I'm already halfway there. I should have just stuck with the tits. I changed my answer. No. You can't change it. You already have it. No. I don't want the dick. No. No. You got both. Damn. Fucking idiot. Yeah. Big old Pajiski effect there. Stupid. Yeah. I should have thought about it. This is the first would you rather we're actually had one half of the thing. Let's start the show. God damn it. Two curved models are accusing a local nightclub of fat shaming them. They were denied entry because

of their appearance. Eyewitness News reporter Rob Hayes spoke to the women about their experience and got a response from the nightclub. Not many women can say they posed for the sports illustrator swimsuit edition. But Gabriela Halicius can't. But being a big success can often mean little when you're big. This is big time. Who is right? Don't bring anyone to this. That's terrible. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pajiski. Welcome to your mom's house. You know, it's also it's so lame how these reporters have to do. But being a big success can mean little when you're big. Yeah. That was that try to have to be clever. The copies.

The copies. Terrible. Can we hear how awful that was again? So bad. Fire whoever wrote that. So fucking bad. And this is an LA thing. How dare they. I expect a little more from Los Angeles local. So look at those disgusting skinny models. But Gabriela Halicius can't. But being a big success can often mean little when you're big. And they give the camera angle. I married a big Fatso angle. So good. Can mean little when you're big. Discrimination and fat phobia goes so, so deep in society. Halicius and her friend Alexa McCoy said last week they went to this Hollywood nightclub, the highlight room, and ran head on into a blazing face of fat shaming. So the promoter starts letting in the whole group of girls and right when it gets to me at the front,

the bouncer puts the rope in front, looks me up and down and says, yeah, not tonight. And he looked at me and did the same thing up and down and was just like, not tonight. Next, like, yeah, you guys are good. Yeah, you guys are good. Like guys came in, girls came in, everyone. And we're just standing there like, is this really happening? Can I just say one thing? This is not new. This has been done for the last 40 years. Of course. This is what nightclubs do is they try to bring in hot, hot chicks. Yeah. And like a couple dudes who are cool. And then everybody else, they're like, nah. Like honestly, okay, honestly, if you and I were to walk up, they'd be like, get the fuck out of your oldies. Get the fuck out of here. You're old. Yeah. I try to take my dad

to when I was in Madrid. And I was like, 21, you know, decent looking guy. And I would go out to nightclub. And I was like, yeah, I go, you've never seen a nightclub in the United States like they have in Europe. I mean, they're wild. It was insane. They're just so much more, I mean, it was the size, it was the scope. It was so much more like sexually open and like, you know, the fucking... What are they doing there? It was just like a show. But it's still, you know, and the music was always like that electronic, right? Dancing, dancing, European music. But it was a show going to those places. And I was just like, I don't know. We're walking after dinner. I was like, you got to see one of these places. And I tried to get him with me to go in and they

were like, no. No, too old. Yeah. He was in like a dad's sweater and khakis. Yeah, of course. And I was like, can you just take a peek? I was like, can you take any peek? And the guy was like, no. No, I can't. Yeah, he'll kill all the boner vibes in there. Yeah, they'll be like, what the fuck is this guy doing here? And then I, it was fun. My dad's like, what do you say? And I was like, he said, no. And he goes, oh, really? I go, yeah, because you're just not cool. He was like, okay. But he took it in stride, you know? Yeah, look, he knew at the time he was probably what he was like 55 or something, you know, like he wasn't cool. Well, and look, private businesses do have a right. I'm trying to make an argument in favor of this business. Do you have a

right to say who can come in and who cannot, right? No, no shoes, no shirt, no service, no, no fatso's allowed. Sorry. The bouncer should be promoted. He did. He did the customers that are in there a favor, because they don't want to see that. They don't want to see the fucking, you know, couple of strong men come walk in. They just don't want to see hotties. Eyewitness news reached out to the company that owns the highlight room. It tells us that the doorman in question has been removed from the door and that the company does not tolerate discrimination of any kind. He's been it adds that highlight room representatives had scheduled a meeting with the leak is okay to address the issue, but that the women cancel. He's been removed

from the dorm promoted to manager. Yeah, he is now overseeing all of our operations. The leak is who also works as a curve model. She has seen the fashion world open up to models of all sizes recently, but when it comes to the entertainment world and the rest of society, being big is still a big problem. I'm a size 14 and that's the most average size for a woman. And yet we're still being treated like no, can't come in or I'm not even going to look at you. And you know, it's dehumanizing. Yeah, but here's the thing. You just got to take it with like you got to accept what you are. I mean, I'm serious. It's like maybe the guy telling you you can't come in because you're too fat is what you needed to hear to stop being so fat.

Maybe you're going to go, you know what, I'm going to fucking go for a jog today. And can I tell you something? Mark my words. I bet you in the next five years, this broad's going to slim down because that's what always happens. She's very pretty. No, no, she's gorgeous. But I'm saying that, you know what always happens to these ones that are like, I'm fine being this weight. I love my Indian. And then you know what happens, they end up losing a ton of weight. They can't do it. Here's what she's not saying in this thing. She's like, you know, I was born naturally pretty.

I have a very pretty face. I have great skin. But I'm not really putting a lot of effort in to managing this weight because I'm getting hired because the whole standard of the modeling industry changed to be super inclusive when it shouldn't be. It should be completely exclusive to people that are super hot. And they should X us out for being little piggies. And the same way that that club said you can't come in is what the modeling industry is supposed to do. They're supposed to be like, oh, you're not a model. A model is a very special person. Yeah. And you're not. Are you 5'10? Do you weigh 90 pounds? No.

You're a model. Get out of here. So, but I will tell you that the European brands do not welcome plus size. Like I was on the Burberry website. Guess what? No plus sizes on Burberry. You know, people, you know, whenever we talk about this, people always seem to think that we're talking from a position of that we're in the group that's in. I recognize all of my flaws. Yeah. And I accept them. Yeah. You know, I'm bald. I'm older now. I'm still overweight.

Yeah, you have eye bags. I got eye bags. Your teeth are yellow. I mean, I'm just like, I know I'm not a model. Sometimes you get angry for no reason. I'm saying, I appreciate, I appreciate the the genetic gift that a model has. And I also appreciate that I could walk up to a door and be like, I'd like to come in and they go, no, you're not. And I don't go, I'm going to call the news.

I know. It's so bizarre. Hey, guess what? News. Somebody told me I was fat. Well, what do you look like? Well, I'm kind of fat. I mean, I know, there's tons. And by the way, in Los Angeles, it's made up of nothing but exclusive clubs. You're not a member of there are literally places. That's why I became a comedian. That's what you should be doing. You're fucking sour. Go to an open mic. You're not a model. You should be given fucking talks, make people laugh.

I know. Well, no, I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm just saying there's a there's a hometown buffet down the road. She can go there and she's welcome at the buffet. You know what? And the idea that these fucking girls call themselves models. It's horrible. For what? Cracker barrel? Like you're not.

Not hot. No. No, I think that I don't I don't think it'll ever be mainstream. Honestly, this this stuff. This is this this is this era right now. If they're like, oh, yeah, you know, silly. See how this person's got a weird fucking face. They're a model too.

And you're like, no, no one likes it. Got big old fucking elephant ears and like. No, I think it's interesting to look at, but I don't think it's like pretty. It's not beauty. But when it's modeling, beautiful, there's one thing that is reprehensible in modeling, though, fatty fat. Yeah. That is absolutely.

But that's but but OK. And that's what makes it so special is because, you know, hard is to weigh that little. Like those chicks work so hard. And do you know how easy it is to be fat? Like so easy. Most people that are struggling with their weight is because, yeah, it's it's hard to not be fat.

Of course, especially us middle age. No, but I mean, but any age, if you're like, if you're fat, you're like, I don't want to be fat. Yeah, I know you got to work at it. You got to work at it unless you're genetically gifted. And in which case, if you're super gifted, you're a model. I know. You're a fucking model.

And that's the thing is that there's no work in being fat. And that's why I don't honor a fat model. It didn't take any effort for you to be that. It didn't take effort. It didn't take effort the way Kate Moss smoked cigarettes and lived off of Kleenex and cocaine for 30 years to stay that thin. You know what they should do to these two girls? I mean, I'm honestly, I really think they should say welcome.

You're allowed to come in here as soon as we close and you can sweep up and you can see what the place looks like. But no one's going to be here and you clean up every day. Like you sweep up all the the puke and the the broken bottles and you get to go like, well, I'd like to be doing during open hours. And they're like, yeah, I want you to take the way that feels right now and go to 24 hour fitness and fucking get on that machine and start grinding. And you do that every day.

And all of a sudden, nine months later, you come back and they go, guess what? Today you're allowed to come when the music's on, you know? And it's like a whole, it's a whole thing. It's a beautiful story. I agree. I agree, Tom. I was like, I like this very much. Yeah, start smoking.

Start smoking like do what Kate Moss did, get hot and skinny. Smoking cigarettes, by the way, is a fantastic thing to do. I've talked about this somewhere my mom's at. I just, I just did a dialogue on how, a monologue on how much I loved smoking. I smoked for 17 years. I was the skinniest I've ever been. It helped with my nerves and anxiety. And the thing is you got to start young, you got to start young.

I don't know how old these girls are, but I would get into it right away. 13. Yeah. That's when I started. And if you're chunky and you're 13, start doing a pack a day. Yep. Yeah. I mean, look, the truth of it is there are exclusive places in Los Angeles that you

will be excluded from because it's a major city and there's major people. And it's, it's a fucking city of exclusion, dude. That's the whole point. I actually took. God, shut up crybaby bitches. I took the, I learned something from the way that, that place in Madrid projected my father. They were just like, no way.

And the way that he accepted it, that was a lesson. Yeah. He just was like, oh yeah. You take it and you roll on. All right. I'm talking sick of talking about these fat so's. I have another important piece of news I'd like to share with you.

00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:44,400 On one of my morning walks to not be a model. I'm trying not to be a model. I'm trying to be a norm. You know, I was walking around the neighborhood and I saw one of these disgusting little creatures in Texas called armadillos. Yeah. Those like the national animal or whatever, right? The state's animal.

And I said to myself, I was like, you know what? These animals are ugly and they're named stupid. I think to make them popular and get them some respect, we should rename them. What would you rename them? Armadillos. And that way you make them fun and people want to talk about them and then they'll be more loved. Wouldn't you rather talk about an armadildo than an armadilla? I mean, sure.

I saw an armadildo today. This really tickles you. Yeah. I'm going to start calling them armadildos and I'm going to teach our children to call them armadildos. Okay. You're going to teach the kids? Yeah.

They already say all kinds of shit wrong. I just think it'll be silly to start calling them armadildos. Okay. I like that word. I could tell you do. I think we should petition Texas to rename the animal armadildo. Armadildo. All right.

This is fun. You want to see something fun? You know, like a couple of weeks ago, Bart, that Hitler guy, Chrysher. Yes. He released his trailer, his teaser trailer. Okay. It's one of the best received trailers I've ever seen. Oh my gosh.

He's so excited. I've seen people go, I hate Bart, but I want to see this movie. Oh, that's kind of nice. Which I don't think he needs to get a better response than that. So people are all excited about this movie coming out. Jeans. Hey, everyone. Have you seen the red band trailer for the upcoming comedy, The Machine?

It stars Brett Chrysler and Mark Hamill. I saw this the other day. I saw he posted, but I didn't see it. Yeah, I didn't either. I watched it and I'm like, is this real? It's real. It's real. I'm like, did somebody make this?

And I think the director tweeted to me the trailer and I wasn't familiar. I'm like, I looked at it and I couldn't, it looks like a legit film, but I'm like, what is this? I don't, I don't know anything because I have another movie called The Machine in my collection that's not this. There's The Machinist, which is a totally different movie. Yeah, I have that too. But apparently it's like, it's a movie based on a true story that is

Brett's like main joke that he tells in all of his comedy shows or something. It never gets old. It never gets old. Yeah. So exciting. He like even makes a movie and still doesn't get the respect of his real name. That's the best part. Isn't that crazy?

Yeah. It's a major studio release. I know. Yeah. I know, I like that though. In this one clip, they called him Brent and Brett. I know. It just goes to show.

It doesn't matter. The thing matters. You can be number one and you're still a piece of shit. Yeah. Show business. Wow. Speaking of movies, Tarantino was here the other day. I heard and it's pretty exciting.

That's a major get. Big get. Talking to Quentin Tarantino. I love his movies. He busted my chops hard though at the end. He did. What did he say? He was like, thanks for not reading the book.

And I was like, I mean, I tried. I was like, no, I'm reading. He goes, what page are you on? And I told him I got the audio book. He goes, oh, that's a big, that's not a cool thing to tell someone. Why? Well, he doesn't know. I mean, I was trying to tell him that before he came on,

I get the message from his agent being like, hey, the book's coming out. I don't know if we can get you an advanced copy. Oh, wow. And I'm like, okay. And then they're like, you might be able to get the audio book now. So I got the audio book. I started listening to it. But dude, it's the week that like, you know, shooting my special the weekend before.

I come home from that. It's the first time I've been home in like fucking months. I'm like, kind of reorganizing my life. And I just, I only got through a little bit of it, you know? He's one of those things. But I was so excited to talk to him that I wasn't even focused on the book. Of course, he wants to talk about his book, you know? So we ended up doing this like hour and a half podcast at the end.

He's like, thanks for not bringing up the book. I was like, fuck. Yeah. And then he's like, and you didn't talk about my podcast. I was like, I don't even know you had a podcast. But can I tell you something? Yeah. I would much rather listen to that podcast.

And you know, when someone drones on and on about their new thing, no one cares about, it's probably going to get more attraction for his book, honestly. Because then I'll be like, oh, I want to read it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he didn't tell me everything. I mean, I think it went well, right? It went well. Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it, Tom.

It went really great. All right. It was awesome. I was super nervous about it. Really? Well, at the, not like during the most, sometimes at the end, you know, at the end when you do these things, sometimes you're like, I don't know how that went because you're in it.

Yeah. So yeah, I still don't know how it went. I'm sure you did great. You're a great interviewer. You're a great listener. But I was asking him genuine. I got, you know, I think we got like three never before told stories kind of. It's so exciting.

It was pretty exciting. I love his movies. The kind of really, you know what, Tom? I'm going to go out on a limb and say he's a great movie maker, that guy. He let me know he was. He doesn't have to. It was pretty crazy. He did.

Yeah, I kind of, I kind of really enjoyed it. He's like, I'm fucking, I'm doing it at the highest level. He really is. And I was like, no, I know. He goes, no, no, no, no, he's like. He's like, I got it. He's, he's from LA. He grew up in LA.

Yeah. Well, it was really interesting because he's doing that saying that. It reminded me of Seinfeld that, you know, for people that don't know, Seinfeld did nine seasons of his show and he purposely went out when he won it after the he had to think about the number nine, but the show was number one. Okay. The show is number one. And he goes, that's it.

We're done. And the reason was he's like, I want the show to be over when it's still a killer show. Of course. Yeah. I don't want to get into seasons 10, 11, 12, 13. We're collecting checks and this show just starts to like fall apart. And Tarantino was like, I want to be the, like, I still want you to be like, holy shit, this catalog of movies, this filmography is, and not, you know,

key making movies. And people are like, oh, I remember when, I mean, he had this one here that was great. You want to go out and glory. He's like, so I just want it to be, he's going to do one more movie. That's it. Doesn't even have the idea for it yet. He's like, I'm just going to do one more. Yeah.

You think it'll be about fat models and armadildas? I don't know. I don't know. I hope so. Maybe putting a dick on your forehead, growing some tits. That'd be cool. Yeah. Well, it's really interesting.

I can't wait to hear it. It is cool. He's got a very interesting look. I like his face. I like looking at him. He's a very interesting looking guy. Yeah. Interesting mannerisms.

Yes. Way of speaking. Yeah. Um, yeah. You can tell you're talking to a very unique individual. Very unique. He counts events well. Oh, yeah.

It has been nice having you back, Gene. Yeah, it's nice to be back. You've been gone for so long. You've been touring for what, 15 months now? I'm a road dog. Road, road, road. Yeah. You've been gone too long.

Gone for a while. Too long, Gene. What's been your favorite part about being home? Oh, my God. I mean, just the nice routine-ness of it all. Yeah. Kind of nice. Taking a shit on your own toilet.

Yeah, just being home. Being home. Yeah. Seeing the little dudes playing with them. They fucked me up every night. Oh, my God. Punch, kick, knees to the back. They just beat the ever-loving shit out of me.

Dude, I mean. As soon as I pinned them down, they're like, you're hurting me. I'm like, you're fucking hurting me, dude. Yeah. Yeah. They just hurt. Yeah.

I don't even think I told you this, but you were gone. I haven't told you this, because I didn't want to make you. Or maybe I did. Anyway, I let them fuck around one day. I was too tired to even deal with it. And I hear them having a good time. And I was like, oh, shit, what did you fuckers do? Sure enough, I look up.

There's banana in the chandelier. Banana up on the front entryway. And I'm talking like 20, 20, you know, we have high ceilings, Texas ceilings. And I'm like, there's fucking banana in my entryway. Are you out of your minds? I got so mad at them. Well, guess what?

I was like, how can I get rid of this? Someone had to come out and they're like, OK, we're going to clean the banana, but it's going to ruin the paint. So we have to repaint the entryway. They're going to do it while we're gone. They fucked up. Fucking banana on my chandelier.

Banana. Do you know what I did today? Banana. There's this, well, I didn't do this on. Fuckers, dude. They did that on purpose. You know what I did on accident today? What?

I made myself a protein shake. I put it on the passenger seat I'm driving. It opens. I don't realize it. Oh, shit, bro. The entire shake. Fuck. The entire shake.

Fuck, dude. So I'm just like, I'm turning at one point and I just see a pool. So I went back home, got a bunch of towels. Ugh. Sopped it up, tried to clean. And then I looked behind the seat. There's a pool behind the seat.

Now it just smells like chocolate protein in there. It's so upsetting. It's so upsetting when you do that. Spilling shake is the fucking worst. It was the worst. Just an open lid. Ugh. Do you remember when I wore a white sweater the other day?

Yeah. And you actually were like, you look nice, Jean. I'm like, I know I haven't worn a white sweater in six years. He went to fight that right away. No way. Our youngest was like, put his dirty hand on it. And I'm like, you fucker, dude. Ugh.

So awful. Did I tell you that one time I spilled nail polish remover on my vag? Did I tell you this? What? I told you this, haven't I? One time I was sitting on the toilet as a teenager and I was, I had the nail polish remover bottle in between my legs, like in between my leg fat, you know,

and I was taking a piss or shit. I think I was shitting. And I'm like, just clean the nail polish remover off my nails. And the fucking bottle, dude, tips forward and spills nail polish remover all over my vag. How does that feel? Burned so bad. Ooh.

So, don't hear again away. It's kind of hot. Oh yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I panicked. I ran in the shower and I was like, I just burned my vag off. It was pretty cool.

Didn't burn off, but don't do that, OK? Don't do it, guys. You heard it here first. Don't do it. It's bad. All right, let's take a quick break. OK, all right. And we're back and joining us for the first time

is my friend from the Canada, the country of Canada. The great Phil Hanley is here, everybody. Thank you. And he has a new special called Oolala. It's out on his YouTube channel right now. Congratulations on that. Oh, thank you. How was that?

Where'd you film it? The comedy cellar at the Village Underground. Oh, you did? Yeah, but I changed it. I put it, but it looks very different. You did a whole set design. Very expensive set design, yeah. Isn't that fun that I paid for?

How much money you can spend on things like that? It's insane. I told them what I wanted. And then they're like, yeah, we're making it. And then, yeah, it was like almost $6,000. Yeah, yeah. Oh, jeez. Yeah, it was a lot.

It's a lot of money. Well, part of Canada are you from? I'm from Ontario, but I started. Are you from? I was born in Windsor, Ontario. Are you serious? Yeah. Well, Windsor is the place that Americans always,

they're always like, oh, I've been to Windsor. I'm like, it's not really the heart of Canada. But then I started comedy in Vancouver, and that's where I met Tom. We worked together. We worked at the mix. This is back and Phil's sweater rest days. Yeah.

There was always a nice sweater rest on. I did cashmere. I don't want to make a big deal of it. It was always very, it was always like, I feel like he would be like, I'm not ready to get on stage yet. And then he would put it on. He'd be like, no, I'm ready.

And it would be sweaters. Yeah. I did that for, I did that until I moved to New York, and then I would be doing like seller spots in the summer, and you'd be running around the block, and it would be so hot that I started wearing a t-shirt. I mean, you fucking, you did it, dude. I mean, it's not easy to move from Canada to New York,

do like, and really break in and do the spots and like get like, you're in. Well, yeah, thanks, man. Like, yeah, it's wild. Like I started, when I've started comedy, I watched that Seinfeld documentary comedian, and it would be Seinfeld and Colin Quinn like hanging out in New York.

I was like, I got to do it. But Vancouver is so far, there's so many shitty gigs in between Vancouver and New York City. But yeah, and then you got to get like visas and green card and all that stuff. I mean, that's real perseverance though. Yeah, I guess, I just, yeah, I just kept trying. Like I would do all these gigs in Canada,

trying to get, you know, letters to get the green card and stuff like that. Well, the thing that I noticed, because I, you know, we worked together a few times. I mean, we definitely ran in Vancouver a few times, is how much you've evolved on, because I see clips of you constantly on Instagram. Okay.

And you're like just this totally like different guy. I mean, from what I know. Oh, really? Well, yeah, you're so much, I mean, you should be, if you're good, because you got, you're so much more poised and relaxed, and your style is so much more conversational. Like you grew, you grew like as a comedian.

Oh, thanks, yeah. Yeah, we met each other so long ago that I remember one of the last conversations we had, or a conversation we had at the mix, is you were talking about trying to get into the improvs. Oh my God. Yeah, that's a long ago. I remember we were standing in the lobby,

and you were talking about like trying to get in there. So that, I mean, I remember that I first played the mix in 09, and yeah, and then I was probably trying to, I remember getting some of those gigs probably, I don't know, a year or so later. So that makes sense. Yeah, and I was about to do Craig Ferguson for the first time, and I was freaking out, and you put me in touch with Ryan,

because Ryan had just done Craig Ferguson. We call, yeah, so it was really nice. Yeah, I'm glad, man. Yeah, I mean, I'm glad to see, I mean, and I mean, I don't know, I just feel like it's, I really respect coming from Canada going to LA or New York, but just going to another country, and trying to break into that system. I just feel like it's probably intimidating as shit.

It's so hard. Yeah, it's weird. It's, thank you for saying that. I don't think people realize what a pain in the, like, so you're like six years in a comedy, I saved up all my money, then you got to get a lawyer, then you get like work papers, and they last for three years, then you got to get more work papers,

then you got to like roll the dice with a green card. Yeah, it was, yeah, I've had a lot of roommates. And then how about the actual comics? Like were you, I mean, was it pretty standard? Were people cool to you right away? No, like, I remember when I first moved to New York, and I had done like a couple of things on American television and stuff like that, and I remember I had one name.

I knew Rory Scoville and Vince Averill were the only two dudes I knew, and I went to, someone recommended me to this like, basically an open mic, but they told me it was a show. I go down, there's five people in like some like basement in the East Village, and I say to the guy, I'm like, hey, you know, so-and-so said I'd come in, and I just, you know, want to love to do a spot sometime, even though I'm looking at this, I'm like, this is the worst show I've ever seen in my life.

And I go, yeah, I'd love to do a spot sometime. And he goes, yeah, send me a tape. No. Yeah. I'm like, fuck, this is going to be- No, what year is this? Yeah. This would be probably just after we met,

like probably maybe like 2010 or something like that. And that's when you went to New York? Yeah, like I've been in New York around 10 years now, yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah. It was long, yeah. Wow, so you're like, do you love New York? I do, yeah, I do love New York.

Yeah, yeah, I love New York. I wish it was close, like so far from Vancouver, like it's so far from my family, but- Yeah, I love going to Vancouver still. Yeah, yeah, it's great. I had great memories, dude. That club's not there anymore though, which is a bummer. It's such a bummer, yeah.

I know, it was one of the best clubs. And it was also like, it had like this, almost like you felt, because I would play, you know, I'm visiting and it's a long week. The gig was not like Thursday, Friday, Saturday, it was like Tuesday through Saturday. Yeah, it was, yeah, yeah. So you felt like they were like your family?

Absolutely, by the end. Yeah, the club, I loved being there. Actually, you know, the last time I think I saw you was, I was headlining the mix, it was years after that, and you were there, there was like one UFC event in Vancouver and you were there. With Joe, probably. Yes, yeah, and I remember there was a dude,

there was like some weird, there was like a crazy guy in the front, he went on, I was like, I'll go before Joe Rogan, please. And so he closed the show and there was this insane guy in the front and he was arguing with Rogan in the motion that he was gonna head bottom or something like that, and then the doorman dragged him out. Do you remember this at all?

As he was picking the guy up out of his seat, the guy grabbed the table, so all the bottles flew and all that shit, and then we hung out afterwards, it's like an hour and a half later, I'm like leaving to go home, walk back to my parents' place. I'm walking up the stairs and I see the guy and he's like coming towards me and I'm like, fuck, why am I by myself?

His neck is all red from being removed from the club and I opened the door and I'm like, oh shit, he goes, hey man, great set! And I'm like, oh, Jesus, okay, but he was all red. Do you know what I remember from that place? There was a, okay, you guys will have to bleep this, but there was a there who loved me and when I would come there,

this dude was like a puppy to me, like he was like, he was like, hey Tom, what do you need? You know, and I would always just be like, y'all, you know, just have my back if I need it. And he loved if I needed his help. He loved if I needed his help. And so one time, somebody is just ruining the show.

Yeah. I'm like, shut the fuck up, man. And it's like back and forth. And so finally, you know, you kind of go back and forth in those things and then there's those moments where you're like, you gotta go. Yeah.

So I see that dude come in and he actually removed, he's a big guy, he's like a wide-built strong dude. Yeah, I know the, I know. And he picks him up by his head, like he puts his arm around the guy's head and he lifts him out of the chair by his head. So he head cranks him, like hard as fuck. Jeez.

And drags him out by his head. I remember even being like, holy shit. Right? Like he drags him out that way. And I was like, afterwards I was like, how'd that go? He was like, oh yeah, I got him out. And I'm like, yeah, it looked like it. And like, I don't know if that guy's

gonna be able to walk anymore. Yeah. Well, I don't play the club for like a cycle, you know, like a year or something. And I come back and I'm in the lobby and I'm like, what's this here? And I notice that there's missing carpet. And they're like, oh, you know that dude?

And I go, yeah. And they're like, he took some guy, he dragged some guy out and he beat him here. And the blood soaked into the carpet here. We had to cut the carpet out. And I was like, what? Dang. And they're like, yeah, we had to.

Yeah, yeah, we had to let him go. See, and people wonder why there are no more women in comedy. And it's because of shit like that. Like Tom and I were at, we were at a really big show like a week ago. And even at like a huge venue, there's like drunk people getting thrown out.

Like what the fuck is wrong with you? I know I just, it was a Chris Rock show. And we were like, oh my God, like even at like a nice venue. Been to, been in the audience forever. Like where I go to watch a film. Yeah. And we're sitting there.

Yeah. And you're like. What the fuck are you screaming? I mean, just continuous. And then I actually, cause you know a lot of times on stage you go, well that person is ruining the show for the people around them.

Dude, you see the people go, can you guys knock it off? Like they're, they keep doing it. And then they get up and they go get security, the sober people and go, I can't fucking hear the show. Then they get removed, police come. Whoa.

It's a whole thing, man. Wow. Just so he's drunk, fuck. Then that's Chris Rock. That's like the highest level show. The highest level. Is it 60 years you need to be, to get respect? Like it's insane.

How long do you have to be? It's crazy. And people pay a premium. This is a nice venue. This isn't like the chuckle hut and fucking, and then the people sitting next to us. That's what I'm saying. Like they start,

they just do this thing where he hits a topic that they agree with him. They're just excited to hear about. So every eight seconds, as he's doing, so he's doing the bit, you know, he makes his statement. Now it's like, joke, joke, joke. Yeah.

Tell him. Yeah. Yes. And you're like. For what? Boo. No, I don't agree with that. Like fuck are you-

No one cares what you agree with or what you don't, no one cares what you have to say. I'd never had this perspective. It's wild. Like it's, and it made you go like, because I've always thought this, like the worst thing in the world,

what ruins every show is just booze. Yeah. Booze ruins every fucking, and these people are just fucking shit. How do we deal with these maniacs? Like, but you can tell when they're that ripped going in. I can tell my new rule is if you heckle me before the mic comes out of the stand, you're gone.

Cause you're going to be a nightmare. I've learned that over the years. And I did that two weeks ago, I was in San Diego and I walked on stage. I didn't take the mic out and a guy yells, lame. I hadn't even, the music is dying out. Lame.

And I go, I go, you got to leave man. Like, but the mic wasn't, the mic was still in the stand. I'm like, he's got to go. So they kick him out. And then they leave his, his girlfriend or wife who now is a little bitter towards me. Sure.

And she, she starts yelling. He was only joking. Oh God. You got to go too. Got to go. Yeah. Yeah. The mic's not even out.

I've had two crazy ones in the last month. Oh yeah? In the last month. One was, we have the video of the guy being thrown out. It was in, it was in Canada, the first one. Where? It was in London. Oh, okay.

It was the late show. We had two shows there. And we could tell because when the opener's on, you're like, oh, this, this is, there's somebody, this guy keeps yelling, yelling. They're trying to find where he is. Cause it's just like the intervention. They're like, we don't know where he is.

And so my tour manager has a good idea. He goes, you know what I'm going to do? He goes, when you go on stage, they turn on the house lights. He goes, I'm going to leave the house lights on for like five more seconds. Just because I know he's going to pop off. Good instinct.

Good instinct. And so when I walk out, lights come on, wave, you know, grab the mic and he fucking, ah, and they go, that's where he is. So they, they start going over there. Now I'm not even paying attention to him, right? I mean, I have to, I have to say something cause he says something again.

So I'm just, you know, I forget what I say. Yeah. I just kind of jab them back, but it's like playful. Yeah. And then I keep going the show and he does something again. So I just make another comment about how much fucking attention do you need? Yeah.

And then like chaos, like chaos starts. Whoa. And, and then he's screaming something. And then somebody goes from that area goes, you're throwing out the wrong guy. And I go, I'm not throwing anybody out. Like that, there's literally a wall of security up there. I'm like, you have to deal with them.

Yeah. This is not on me now. Guy keeps screaming, well, my guys end up recording them throwing this guy out, right? He's throwing a fucking tantrum. And what he's mad about is that the guy who was causing the big disturbance was another guy's brother. And they ended up throwing them both out.

And the one guy's like, he's a good guy. He keeps saying he. And we think that he's talking about himself. Yeah. Or is he referring to himself as he? Nah. And he's like, no, he goes, he's a good guy. You're throwing him.

He's not a bad guy. You're throwing out a nice guy. And we're like, dude, he's ruining the show for everybody. I mean, it just, it just happens to the point. And it just makes you, I don't know, after a while, you're just like, the fuck do you have to do up here? Just shut the fuck up. And it's not, he's a nice guy, whatever.

He's not in a place where he can sit and watch comedy. He can't. So then this is not for him tonight. Yeah. Anyway, that is, it's so sad. But I wanted to bring up, you are writing a book, a memoir. Yeah, yeah. I'm actually, I read your book, Tom, it was great.

Thank you. Yeah, it was really. But you got to write essays. I wanted to write a book of essays. And then we kind of sold it and stuff. And then they said, yeah, it's going to be a memoir. And I'm like, oh boy. But yeah, it's about dyslexia.

So it's, I'm dyslexic. So it's, yeah, it's a quite an endeavor. But. Yeah, to be someone with dyslexia to write a book, how fantastic. But it's the positive. Like if I wasn't dyslexic, I wouldn't be here talking to you guys.

I wouldn't be doing comedy. I wouldn't be. So it's the positive. The first couple of chapters while I'm in school is a little grim. But then it's a very, it's a positive outlook on like, I'm basically grateful to be dyslexic because I wouldn't have the life that I have now

if it wasn't for dyslexia. But why do you say that? Why do you, why do you feel that way? Well, because I just think that if I wasn't dyslexic, I would have done what all my friends did. I would have gone through high school. I would have, a lot of them went to the same college in Canada.

And then I would have, you know, I'm from a really small, I'm basically from Windsor only on the other side. Okay. It's called Oshawa. It's like a mini kind of Detroit. Auschwitz? Yes, similar place. Oshawa?

Oshawa, yeah. And yeah, I just think I would have, I just would have done a regular route. It wouldn't have crossed my mind to like, cause I, they went to, they went to college and then I applied for a job at the convenience store across from my high school, which would have proved all the teachers right

when they were like, yeah, you're really not going to do anything. And then I ended up, I moved to Europe. I, they went to college. I moved to Europe and I'm, I don't know if, I modeled in Europe for like four years. What? While they went to, while they went to college

and then that- You modeled in Europe? Yes, and that led me to comedy, yeah. How did modeling lead to- Yeah, what? Well, because I was really embarrassed, like there was a time, so there was a brief moment in time

when I was really skinny. I think I weighed like 120 pounds. As you should to be a model. Yeah, well at the time, but male models are supposed to be, look like male models, right? So there was a brief period where they wanted kind of like a drug-y looking people, like the hair when she clings.

And so- Did you fit that? Yeah, they were like, I have a joke in my special, I said they were looking for guys that look like they do drugs and I'm like, I can do you one better. Like I was like fully trained, fully high.

And yeah, so that's, so I, yeah, I modeled for four years and then- Wait, but tell us, can we have pictures? Can we Google these photos? I can show you pictures afterwards. Or I can, yeah, I can show you pictures. Send them in. Wait, what is it like to be,

where are you living when you- You're supposed to live in Milan when you start. God. But- Who are you filming? You're supposed to live in Milan, but I liked London a lot better. So I would, I was based,

no, those are all stand-up pictures. Yeah. Those are stand, there's nothing on, there's no modeling pictures, but I can show you, I can send you one. Okay. Is that you on the runway? That, that was just Photoshopped from the top left one there.

I mean- Yeah, no, that's stand-up acting. Yeah, but that's pretty close to your model days. It's still in the top left. That's my first comedy special I did in Canada way too soon, I shouldn't have done it, but it's kind of a Rick Springfield thing I got going. I got that sweater vest that you like.

I told you, dude. So wait a minute, you go to Milan, and I mean, you don't know what the fuck you're doing, right? I know, I knew nothing, and I knew the only reason I was there was because I couldn't fucking read, and my parents were just like, they were worried I was gonna stay in my hometown,

so they're like, yeah, that sounds great, dear, go to- So you show up in Milan and did you just sleep on couches? Because you don't get paid as a model. Well, okay, so what happened was I was in New York visiting a friend who was a model, and she was extremely successful, and through her, I met people that were like, oh, you should model,

and I really had nothing else going on, so I was like, okay. So the first thing you do is you go to Milan for the fashion shows, and I went, and it was like, heroin chic was a thing, but it hadn't really caught on fully, so I was the only skinny dude with long hair in Italy. Everyone's all buff?

Everyone's buff, and I would go on these castings, and the clothes were too big, and I just looked, it was like I was surrounded by everyone I didn't like in high school, and we know you live in a modeling residence. Wow. Yes, and then, so you go to these editions, you walk around for 13 hours a day,

showing your book, and Valentino looks at your book, and is like, thank you, type thing. And I heard that you don't get actual money, that you just get to keep the clothes for runway. No, we got, you would get money, but there would be some jobs, like smaller, like up and coming designers would. Did you ever book a big one?

Like, did you ever get one where you're like, I got a fucking amazing one today? Yeah, well, yeah, I did, so the first year, everything didn't fit, I was like super bombed, all the other guys actually looked like models, like we're like ripped, and then I booked Armani. Wow. Yes, and it was like, I remember coming to my agency,

and the agent who kind of booked me, just because it felt like he heard that this was the new trend or whatever, but he so was more attracted to the, he was like a gay dude, he was way more, he's like measuring the other guys, and stuff like that, and with me, he'd just be like, ah, bella, and nothing.

So I booked Armani, and I'm like, the toast to the agency in the morning, I go to Armani, I get there, the clothes, I'm like, couldn't read, terrible at sports, this was like, felt like, okay, I finally found something that I could do. I get to Armani, it's the day before the show, you go in, it's like his compound,

it's like all marble and beautiful, and go put on the clothes, the clothes were so fucking big, it's like when you're a kid, and you're trying your dad's suit jacket. Dude, I was like horrified, so on backstage, they have like a dresser for you, she's like this fashion student,

I could see like her pupils are huge, she's like never seen this before, first outfit, gray suit, mesh tank top, it's like hanging down, like it looks so comical, the sunglasses felt big, they send me out to walk down the runway, and I turned down, and it's Armani, and all his like assistants and stuff,

there's like 12 people, and I know, I'm like holding my pants up, I know this is not gonna fly, they start laughing as I'm walking down, I'm standing there, they're like telling jokes in Italian, I'm like, oh, this is the worst, I go backstage, I'm like, they're just gonna send me home,

and you know, they go outfit two, the woman in the dresser goes outfit two, I had to do that six times, all the shit did nothing fit, so they fired me, I was so bummed, yeah. It's not your fucking fault. No, it's not my fault, well, I kind of lied about my sizes on my composite car,

just like I thought I'd exaggerate a little bit to be like kind of model size in it, backfired, but so I didn't get it, I didn't get it, within the next season, I did, like I ended up getting to do Armani a bunch of times. That's pretty cool. Afterwards, because they kind of, the clothes started fitting or whatever.

How does a modeling stint like that, because you're young, I assume, when you go, right? You're super young? Yeah, I was like 19 or something. So how does it end? Like how do you go, I'm not doing this anymore. Well, see, I was so embarrassed the whole time, like even when I was working or doing like big shows,

or like I did like Armani and Dolce & Gabbana, like I did do big shows, but I was like, this is weird, like I wasn't super comfortable, like I went from like swimming with a T-shirt on at a pool party to being a model, like I was not comfortable. And, but then I would meet all these people,

like designers and photographers, you'd meet a photographer, he's like, yeah, I got my first camera when I was five. This has been my dream my whole life to shoot fashion. And I was like, fuck, I wanna do something that I am like passionate about. And I booked a commercial, I booked this like Pontiac commercial

and like Sylvester Stallone was like the voice and it paid well, it was like a big ad. And I got that money, I was like, fuck it, I'm just gonna run with this dough. So I moved home after that, I booked like a big job and then moved home and then started, I took some improv classes and then started stand-up.

Wow, wow. I think you might be the first runway model turned comic I've ever heard of. Yeah, this is- Runway model, that's really impressive. And did you have to learn how to do like a sassy walk? I was so bad, no, cause I was like, I mean, I guess I was like, okay.

There's a few too now that like, you can see like these real handsome dudes or like real pretty girls that are, you'll see them like on Instagram, you know, like on stage. I'm saying like exceptionally good looking and you're just like, oh man, this is, you got your gift, it's not this.

Yeah, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely. Too hot. Yeah, like I never, like no one ever suspected that I was a model. It's based on the shock on both of your faces when it came out. No, no, I- Well, no, because you're beard,

I can't even see your face, you're coming. You can tell you're a good looking dude. I mean, model though is something like, but also, you know, in today's world, you know, you could be fucking, you could be missing a fucking ear and be 280 pounds. People are like, look at this model. She's on the cover of Victoria's Secret Day.

Yeah, no, there was a brief period and I just fit it that time very well cause I had long hair and I was like super skinny. Wow. Perfect. So cool. Did you ever get like some really top tier modeling puss? Like-

Well, there's a chapter in my book called Top Tier Modeling Puss. Oh. Yeah, I know, I'm just kidding. I mean, it feels like as a model. No, like generally, like models would date like musicians and like athletes and stuff. Right.

I guess there was a, I had a couple of fun evenings, but like nothing insane. I lived in like, so you're supposed to either live in Milan or Paris and I loved London. So I lived in London and just kind of all my friends weren't fashion people. Really? Yeah.

He turned into a comic. It's crazy. Really crazy. You know what? I took an improv class after that commercial and I got the first time I made the class laugh and it was in this like weird British church basement. I got, made the class laugh and I was like,

holy fuck, this feels like just like making my friends laugh. Did you have that moment where you're like, this feels the same as making my friends or my family laugh at the dinner table or whatever. It's the best. Yes. I had no, I thought making people laugh only felt good if you knew them, but it feels good if they're,

you know what I mean? Strangers. The feeling is unlike any other. That's when you know it's a calling though, right? It's like, if you get that in a public setting and you're like, you're locked in, you're like, oh, I can't let this go. Yeah, it was such a eureka moment.

I was like, fuck, this just feels the same way. Yeah. Yeah, I remember doing improv and yeah, like innately, A, being decent at it and then loving it and then being like, this is so fucking corny. Like I remember being like, I wish I could just say stuff I want to say because there's too many rules. And then you go out on your own

and you say some crazy shit and then that gets a dick thing where you're like, I can just be an asshole and I get rewarded. This is fucking great, man. Yeah. Yeah. It's the greatest. It is the greatest.

Just so, I know we already said it, but I want to remind people, you shot the special, you put it on YouTube. I've been the biggest advocate of this movement of comics putting the specials up. I think it's a brilliant thing to do, like to put your special, everyone has YouTube. Everyone can access YouTube.

Everybody, I mean, there's no reason not to do this. No, and it feels empowering because like when I started, that wasn't a thing and you just sit and you hope that some booker from a festival likes you. It's the worst. Yeah, and if they don't have the same taste in your comedy. And they're just some fucking guy.

Yes, 100%, 100%. And so it does feel empowering to be able to just do it and put it up yourself. I mean, no, you're not like working on an hour thing. God, I hope someone buys this. You're like, well, I'll just do it again then. Yeah, just keep doing it. You're gonna do it forever.

You can build a fucking catalog of specials. Yeah. It's fucking rad. So fucking rad. And you've been putting clips up of your standup. Yeah, I've been trying to post a lot of clips. That's great. I mean, you're good.

That's why it's great. Oh, thank you. Well, because it's not so great when some people do it. No. Yeah, that's true. There's people putting up their clips from like, you shouldn't be doing this. No, yeah, I don't understand that.

I was so, I waited years. I think it's ego. Yeah. Right? It's like, you see people doing it and then you're like, oh, I'm a comic. I can put it up clip. It's like, no, no, no, but you're not being,

you're not able to see this clearly. No. Objectively. Your stuff is not at that level yet. There's no laughter in that clip. That should be a sign. It's a bad, I mean, I remember Sarah Silverman gave that advice on something.

A few years ago, I saw her say it and she was like, when you post something, you really want to make sure that it's ready to post. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, I mean, we missed the generation because of our age where maybe I would have made the same mistake, but like, I mean, I look back at like,

we would get tapes and you had nowhere to send it. A tape, you'd send to a booker, right? Yeah. But putting that stuff up online, it's like, Oh my God. Dude, you're going to regret that. It's so mortifying. If you keep doing it.

Yeah. And there's people, I mean, people send me shits or they'll tag me and they're like, I just did my third set and I just put them like, you want to take that down, dude. It's insane. Like I've always been so, probably maybe even too concerned.

Like when I, someone offered to vote for me at the seller, I waited a full year. I was like, I want to be in New York city for a year, just learning and getting. Before I go in. Yeah. I always, I always wait and wait. And it's the same with like comics.

Like I'll say that to people if they're like, yeah, I didn't get picked for JFL this year. I'm like, that's amazing because work your ass off and then get picked. You'll get picked next year and your act will be so much better. So much better. Yeah.

Or they'll keep picking, you know, Nikki Glaser or Amy Schumer over year, year after year. And then one day it'll be like, fuck JFL. Hypothetically. Hypothetically. I'm just saying that could be a scenario. Well, Nikki Glaser and I were new faces together, class of 2007, how was it going?

I was not. There's a lot of people that got shunned by. Yeah. Show business. He was funny. But here's the thing. It's still, it's back to what we were just saying. It is just somebody in the room that day.

I mean. That's what I'm saying. I remember the. And not people that are often, they're not on your team. Maybe you remind them of the bitch that dumped them in high school. 100%. Maybe you're the ex-wife to them.

Maybe they hate their mommies. Who the, you know what I mean? You pulled bullet. Huh? You do like those competitions or the showcase and you pulled bullet and everyone's like taking their coats off. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you fucked that way. I mean, when I look back, what was it? I have this, my first boss said to me, I had dinner with him a while back and he's like, Christina, I gotta tell you, the odds were against you. The odds were against you, but you hung in there and you did it.

You fucking did it. And he goes, and I know, because I was there from the beginning. And I was like, yeah, dude, like so many people were like, not you, not you bitch. But look, they can suck my dick now. What's up, Lucille? Absolutely, they can suck your dick.

Shout out. Hey, by the way, I wanted to give a shout out. He's passed. Bud Friedman died. Did you hear this? Yeah, I did hear that. Bud came up to me one time and Mel rose when I did a short set there.

And he was like, why do you have to curse so much? I've been told that too. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. I mean, he's an old school dude, but he was super sweet about it. And I worked with his daughter a number of times. She's a, you know, she worked in stand-up Zoe.

Super sweet. But yeah, he was a pioneer for sure. Yeah, but I can't tell you how happy I am that comedians can take their careers into their own hands now and let the audience decide whether or not you're good at this, not just a handful of grumpy people who failed as artists. The other side of that JFL thing though

is you can also get, and it could be anything in show business, get something that you're like, there's no way I just got that. And that happened to me where I showcased and bombed so fucking hard. I mean, so hard. It was like one of the rounds of showcasing

at the laugh factory. I remember Moshe was there and I was like, and he was like, he was like, that wasn't good. And then the next day they were like, yeah, they'd like to have you at the, and I was like, really? That's amazing.

But it actually just went to show that it wasn't even about the set or about, it was just like whatever connections were there. I don't know, my manager at the time and whoever's like, it's all, it's political. Yeah, he's ready and they were like, okay. I mean, the guy saw me eat shit. I would like to think that they know enough

about comedy to be like, oh, he's great, the crowd's funky, but I never give them that credit. I remember, I was submitting a tape to late night and they okayed like 80% of the tape and they just said, add like, switch out these jokes. So I switched it and I sent in a tape from a club but the crowd wasn't mic.

So you could hear laughter, but it sounded like far. But I'm like, well, the rest of the set's okay. And you can tell that's the problem, but you can hear laughter, but it sounds low because the crowd's not mic. But I'm like, anyone who has been in the business for like six months would know what's going on. And then the note was it didn't sound

like he was doing that well. Oh my God. And then un-okayed all the other bits. I'm like, how do you have a job? It's crazy. It's insane. It's insane. I know dude, turn out comics.

I wanna go back to this dyslexia stuff because we got sidetracked with modeling because we wanna be in your modeling world. Yeah, I'm gonna send you guys pictures. Oh my God. So, how, like when did it, did you work to the point where at, you know, I don't know, like were you taught a specific way

that you could read or no? No, for me and dyslexia, like they say dyslexia and it affects people very differently. But for me, I can't identify a symbol with a sound. So I couldn't read, like I know your last name, but there's no way if I hadn't heard it out loud a bunch of times, there's no way I could read it. Like last names, I can't read street names.

I generally can't read because they're just words I've never seen. What about a magazine or article? A magazine article, I could read it because I would have memorized most of the words in the article, but if there's a word that I've never seen before. So I can read words that I've memorized

and then compound words. So words that are made up of two, like if it was Greenwood Street, I could read that. But if it was like whatever street we're on now, I've never seen that word. So I wouldn't be able to read it. No, I would just, it would almost be like drawing. Today for me to get the Uber here,

I had to take it right down your address, then like draw it, like spell it out. Really? Yeah, so yeah, it's tough. But in dyslexia also affects like, the more I'm learning about it, that like it affects like organization, which like I struggle with, it affects a lot.

It can affect eye hand coordination, it can affect like depth perception, can affect a lot of things, yeah. Interesting. All right, how did you eventually learn to read? Just through memorizing words. And you can write, obviously. Yeah, I guess I can write, but it's like,

I mean, my set lists are mocked daily by comics, cause it's always like, what the hell? It's like that, your handwriting is poor. But you know what you're looking at. I pretty much, yeah, but I would spell, like say the word dyslexia is a word that I cannot spell. That's a complicated word. I know, you think they call it something easier

before dyslexic. Yeah, you're like a number, a symbol or anything. Do you write, by the way, when you write in the book, do you write by hand or on a computer? I've like learned the type, but they didn't teach, like when I was in high school, they just put me in special ed and I was really good in math. I was like, we were looking, I was at home,

I was like looking at my testing with my mom and like I excelled in math. I was like reading at like a non-existent level, but my math was like a few grades ahead. But because I was dyslexic, they just put me in basic everything. So yeah, like, yeah, it was, school was miserable. Terrible, yeah.

It's heartbreaking. I've read randomly over the years, all these random, incredibly high achieving dyslexic people. There's like, the list is wild. Yeah, it's, yeah, like Richard Branson, Albert Einstein. Steven Spielberg. Edison, Thomas Edison, Steven Spielberg, F. Scott Fitzgerald, I read.

I'm a big grateful dead fan and Bob Weir, one of the members of the dead is dyslexic. And so when you watch him play guitar, you're just like, whoa, yeah, that is really, that's dyslexia. Do you know what I just heard about? I think it's him that he is a big Golden State Warriors fan, do you know this?

Yeah, he's all the San Francisco teams. But that during the shows, during shows, if the Warriors are playing, he has a feed. Really? He'll watch the game. I had no. So on stage, he'll be playing and look down and then they'll be like, what the fuck's he doing?

And like, he's watching the game right now. Oh my God. I had no idea, but I did see pictures of them when they were in the playoffs. Yeah, there's that famous picture of Bobby. Yeah, on the court. Yeah, so when I found out he was, because I've been a dead fan since I was a kid,

when I found out he was dyslexic, it was just, because they'd always be like, Tom Cruise is dyslexic. And I'm like, oh, so I'm going to be in fucking top gun. Like, what does that mean to a kid? It means zero, you know what I mean? But yeah, but yeah, it's a special, we excel in different things,

but school is not for us. Nightmare. The way it's designed is 100% not for us. Well, because it's mostly reading based. So if you're reading, if it's hard for you to read, if you can't read, well, then how are you going to learn science? How are you going to learn history? How are you going to learn other languages?

Yeah, they're just going to be like, well, just keep trying to read, man. Yeah. Tom, that's what they said to me from kindergarten all the way to grade 12. They were just like, and they would do that thing where like, so I would be in special ed and then they would let you go to like other classes.

And that's fucking horrible. It was horrible. Okay, so we're going to read from page 10 to 20 and then talk about it. So I would just sit and I would pick like a medium, not like the smartest kid, but like kind of mid level. And when he would turn the page, I would turn the page and then they'd be like, let's talk about it.

And I didn't know this. I didn't get any info from here. And then, and then you got to like, try to like shoot the shit about it. It was insane. Crazy. Yeah. It's brutal.

When did they start being able to identify dyslexia in children? I mean, I don't know. I'm not sure. I think like now it's really changed where people are actually going like, I think it'll get to the point where like companies are like looking for a dyslexic to like head a team.

For sure. Because we were good at like big picture stuff. It's the details that like we struggle with. And like when we read a dyslexic reads, when you guys read it's like the front of your brain. That's where like all this goes. For us, it's the back of our brain. It's like a whole different thing.

We have a whole different brain. What's fascinating is that other parts of your brain thrive. You know, like you, there's like some Yeah. Adjustment that's happening. Yeah. Which makes sense, but there's like,

it's hard cause I have tried to read like kind of like scientific type books about it. It's tough for me. But there are like pillars in your brain and non-dyslexic, they're closer together. And a dyslexic, they're further apart. Like there are areas that we will excel at, but it's tough because if you're like made to feel stupid,

which there's no way you're not going to be made to feel stupid for the first like from five to 18, then it's hard to get out there unscathed and be like, yeah, I'm going to apply my special brain to something else because you're self-esteem. So it's for dyslexic parents, for parents of a kid, it's just maintaining self-esteem. I don't know how my parents did that,

but they somehow did that. They did maintain yours. Yeah, they maintain mine. Like my dad would be like, cause they would say that I was, like they would flat out say he's dumb and want to fail me. And my dad would always be like, come home from work, just be like, God damn it, you're smarter than them. And then like leave the room.

So, but my mom would like patiently like go in and be like, no, no, he is smart. He's just struggling and they couldn't figure out. So I was around like 10. So it was like five years and not knowing what was going down. And then around 10, they identified me as dyslexic, but they really didn't do much. Like they, my first grade five was the first time

they put me in special ed and we weaved. We were weaving. I'm like, what the fuck is this? How am I going to apply? So now I can't read. And the only ability I have is like, yeah. But your weave game's strong. My weave game is unbelievable.

Yeah, it was like crazy. We made like placemats. Isn't that funny? And by the way, I learned that a long time ago that the Canadians say grade five. I know, grade eight, grade five. Oh, wait. So I would always, I remember something I caught on

so that whenever I go to Canada still, like to this day, I made a, I had a joke in my act in this hour where I was like, oh, my son and I would go, he's in grade one instead of first grade. Oh, right. Yeah, it's a very, because it's one of the, it's something that's so small, but it's so telling. Yeah, you say grade five here, people.

Grade five. But like, you know, but the same, it's probably the same there. You say fifth grade people. That's a fucking weird way to say that. Well, I will, I, Canadians can, can adapt to the way the Americans speak better than I think Americans.

Because we watch so much American television, so many movies and stuff. But I will blow someone's mind if I, in my act, I always have to do it the American way. And because I'm dyslexic, I can't differentiate the different two ways right now. But I'll bust out a grade, I say grade five, right? You guys say, yeah, I'll bust out a grade five on a late show.

And it'll be just baffled. Like people are like, running for the door. Cause like, they're like, who says that? Yeah, they don't know what's going down. Yeah, put it together. Let's let's live in the mood. I don't know if this guy's dyslexic, but something's going on, I think, okay?

Got a brand new jar of peanut butter. Yeah, I know him. We need to warm it up. Guess what? Make it all nice and relaxed. Yeah. Just don't want to jump right into it. No.

It's a brand new jar. Oh yeah. The smell of virgin peanut butter. It, he does have a point, it is fun. You what? He does have a point, it's fun. It's not this fun though. It's not this erotic.

No. Virgin peanut butter takes the best. Virgin peanut butter. Nice, pure peanut butter. Can't wait till tomorrow. Why, what's tomorrow? What's not virgin anymore? Guess what?

He has since been banned. What, from the talk? Yeah, from TikTok. Why? The injustice, these people don't know talent. I've been following this gentleman's work for a long time. I'm not familiar with him.

Go ahead, tell her. Well, he's into PB and he does get erotic with it. Yeah. He's ready to find out if I'm a good kisser or not. Oh boy. Free of charge. Oh, oh, free? Who doesn't like free stuff?

Okay guys, I need your help. Okay. I really need you to find a girlfriend. Okay. Yeah, we knew that was coming. So everybody's 18 and older. Can you please send my link to your ex-girlfriend? It's nice that he went for an adult.

To your ex-girlfriend. Send a link to your ex-girlfriend. Oh. Oh, I was usually afraid that was gonna happen in the first club. Yeah. One more date till the magic happens. What's the magic though?

I'm trying to remember. One more date till Friday. Oh, it's Friday. You don't know what happens on Friday. Puts his dick in it, I think, on Friday. Does he? I think he does put his peener in it. I think he intimates that he puts his dick in it.

If I'm not mistaken. I thought it was just that old trope of Friday, you know, weekends here. Friday. Like one of those things. Yeah, LOL. I didn't know my dick's coming into the jar. Well, he is shirtless licking peanut butter.

Yeah. He kept referring, he was sexualizing it when he was referring to his virgin. Yeah, he was. It's Saturday now. And he also repeated it. It's about to go down guys. Yeah, right, yeah.

It's Friday night. Okay, so we made it to Friday. Yeah. Anyway, he's gonna fuck the peanut butter. Yeah, yeah. Maybe that's when he went all the way with the peanut butter. It could have been the last thing he did.

And then they're like, no more for you. Yeah. I can't believe he's been. You know, what happens though is a lot of times these people come right back with a brand new account. And I think if he can figure that out. He'll be all right.

He'll be back. They don't always figure it out fast, but. This is supposed to be something. Cobra tates back on talk, by the way. Cobra is? Yeah. I just emailed with him. What's the story?

Is he gonna come in or what? He's in Romania still? He's not gonna come in. But it's fun to chat with him. He's so intense. It's so fun to have a relationship with somebody that people hate so much. Who's, I don't know, Cobra tates.

Andrew Tate? Oh, Andrew Tate, okay. He was on the show and he was introduced to a lot of people by his appearance on this show. Oh, really? Yeah, a lot of people credit us with it. That's huge. We broke him.

And so many people hate him so much. And we could not find somebody more enjoyable. I mean, he was seriously like, so fun, knew exactly what he was doing. Like he was, and he's articulate. He's funny. He makes good, interesting points. Well, and look, is it his?

It was a showman. He was a showman. But is it his fault that women are dumb bitches? Women are fucking stupid. There's a lot of men out there that agree. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. There's a lot of girls who just shut the fuck up, you know?

I don't understand why everyone was a fucking stupid idiot. I just feel like he nailed that point. Well, you know, I was on KFC radio a while back on Barstool. And we were talking about what comes first, like the tater, the egg. Like, is it his fault that there are droves of men upset with women or did he just galvanize an already existing group?

He did. And it's like the same old shit with Tom Lankas. Remember, Lankas, like, dump that bitch. It's an act that's been around for a long time. And you don't, I mean, the difference now is that people go, we need to shut this voice down. As opposed to we need to ignore this person. Yeah.

So that's the difference in the trend. The trend used to be like, that guy's a clown, if you think so. Yeah. Let him be an idiot. So I won't listen to him. Well, it wasn't even an option before to shut anyone down. No. Because you were like, well, how can you shut someone down?

It's irrational. It's like when I only steal two, it's like, there's nothing more fun than talking shit about another comic. Yes. It's the most fun thing in the world. But when people go like, oh my God, and they hate this comic so much. I'm talking about like, not even other comics, but like, people are just like, I can't fuck.

I hate, you know, you're like, yeah, dude, don't buy tickets. Yeah, it's just that stuff. Yeah. What are you doing? It's pretty simple. Just like, go find someone you like, put all that energy into someone you like. Yeah. Like.

But also, if you hate that one person telling jokes so much, comedy's probably not for you. Like, it's not your thing. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, if it's that triggering, he's joking. Yeah. I know.

Yeah. And I also, I don't know, I don't believe when it gets to that point when someone so hates a comic that much, I'm like, I think what happens is a part of you kind of likes this guy or something. Yeah. You're a man at yourself. Absolutely. Well, I forget who it was that said, a hater is just a fan in waiting.

Yeah. Just wait, I forget who it is. These girls on a podcast said it once. I thought that was so true because I've hated people, like, hated people. And then now I'm a fan. Really? Yeah. There's a few people on the show.

Someone pointed out a few people that I used to fucking really hate on the show, like talking. Do you guys remember them talking about? Wasn't there someone very recently I talked mad shit on? And then they pointed out that I'm a huge fan now. Maybe that happened somewhere else. But yeah, it's happened. You change, people changes.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, man. And you grow up and you're like, yeah, why do I hate them so much? That does, you could like not like someone's act and then meet them and they're a really nice person. And then all of a sudden their act is not so bad. That fucks so bad. Yeah, it's so bad.

You got to tell your friends you've been talking shit about the person for four years and you're like, yeah, I maybe jumped a gun on that. So true. Especially if they're like really amazing in person. Yeah. Like great person. And then you're like fucking volunteers. But the other side is that you like, you can meet somebody that you like

and their act is terrible and then you're like, oh, God. That's worse. That is really hard. That is really, really tough. It's very tough. And then you kind of want to go, just stop doing this. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you want to rewrite your like, look, I've been spitballing

some of your premises and here's a different way to go. Or do you ever like to horrify yourself sometimes? Like do you ever like to think bad thoughts just for the thrill of thinking the bad thought? Like I will sometimes think of old jokes of mine. Like I wrote the first four years in comedy, like just to feel the embarrassment. Like just to kind of like cry. I have heard that.

I've never, I've never been down that road. You don't do that. Like just to torture yourself a little. You're like, oh fuck. I'm gonna push that so far away. I do it sometimes. Just I can't watch myself for like a year ago. Oh my God.

Yeah, it's hard to be listening. Yeah. And it was so funny that we talked about this that when we were hanging out with Chris Rock and we're like, how's it going? He's like, you know, there's people here. Like this is before the show. He's like, I guess people, you know, I guess I'm all right. I don't know.

And you're like, you, you talk like this. Yeah. Yeah. Even you. Yeah. We walked in and we were like, we're so excited to see your news. And he's like, don't be. It's I'm terrible.

It's all bad. And I was like, and both of us were like, oh my God, Chris Rock hates himself too. How fun is that? And we even told him, we're like, we're so excited that you hate your own stuff too. Yeah. Well, it's also a sign that someone's good. I hope so. Yeah.

If they're like, wait till you see what's about to happen. Yeah. I could you imagine. I'm not going to lie to your fucking mind. Yeah. You're like, OK. Atel, you'll see, like, Atel will be at the cellar. You'll watch him.

You'll be like, that's the greatest thing that he's, no one's going to be better, funnier, quicker. That's the best. And then, yeah. And then, you know, you'll be like, oh, that was great. And you'll be like, oh, you know, the utility was not like over the moon with the set or whatever. You're just like, how is that possible?

Yeah, or he'll be the few times that I've seen him. He'll be thrilled with something that you're like, that's the part you're excited about. Yeah. And you realize it's just something that an idea that he thought was fun. Yeah. That's what he likes. Yeah. He's like, yeah, I finally got that mermaid line to work.

Yeah. And you're like, well, the whole thing wasn't killer. He's like, oh, that was just like a stupid. Yeah. It's a, yeah. I mean, it's all, then literally every dog shit comic you've ever met is like, I love watching my stuff. Yeah, totally.

People that are, they were talking about posting the clips. Yeah. Oh my God. You know, hard it is for me to post a standup clip, like from my last special, like the promoting it, like just posting a clip on, it gives me, and Instagram gives me so much diarrhea, just like, I, it's so out of context. It's one moment of, it needs to be in the, the piece. Yeah.

And you're just like, oh God, I have so much agita just thinking about fucking how stupid my act is. Okay. Sorry. Let's go ahead. Oh, he was watching something funny. Yeah. And I was like, I'm trying not to stand.

Tom, you tricked me. That's not funny. So, I had not seen that clip. What, how, how damaged was he after that? I think he's got some real problems now. Oh, really? Oh, I'm sorry. I assumed no one was going to get hurt.

What folder was that in that? Oh, that's a prank from the, yeah. It's this game we play called Horrible or Hilarious. So, you are not Superman, right? That's French for you're not Superman. So, I think he's telling him, I mean, come on, you're the Canadian. I know, but I can't even read English. So horrible.

Whoa. No, no, again, Tom. What's he doing? Oh, I don't think you should be doing that. Oh, yeah. He's got a big dead inside of that. Oh, you can see it. Yeah, you can see it.

And also, there's probably not a great clinic nearby just based on the fridge that are not like, let's run you over to see the sign. Yeah, that's terrible. Yeah, where's that in Haiti? So I don't know. I mean, it might be French. Yeah, that when he was holding on to that thing,

you just know you're not supposed to hold on to that thing. This was like, this will be fun. Yeah, yeah. I wonder how strong I am. Yeah, yeah, that's strong. Oh, his head looked damaged. Yeah. I feel I feel terrible for that, dude.

Oh, why would you hold the thing, though? Yeah, that seems like a bad move. Don't touch it. It's a treadmill. Do you know from our show, maybe you've caught wind of, do you know who Robert Paul Champagne is? No. He's, well, just to give you the basis of who he is, he's this guy.

I know this guy. I know this guy. I know this guy. This guy gets so amorous. Fuck me at twenty three ninety five. Yeah, you can move in, you can move in. But you gotta fuck, man. I need to be fucked a lot, man.

Get free food, free rent and everything else. He says if you're in a jail. Yeah, yes. So the other day, Robert messages me all the time. Really? All the time. And he says things like, I hope you have a great weekend. And I'll be like, hey, you too, man.

And he'll be like, how was your week? And I'll go, it was good. Sorry, he gets you on your cell phone. No, no. His your phone number? Just the DMing. OK, I was like, don't give him your number. This is what fascinates me, because I've seen episodes with him

a couple of times. Yeah, yeah. So did you think someone says, hey, man, you're on this like you're like on this podcast now. Is that how he and then reaches out to you? How does he find out? No, no, no. The way that we just we just somebody found him.

So we had played this clip forever. Yeah. And then one day, somebody sends a video and they go, you know, I think we found the piss on me, beat me guy, the try it out guy. And they show him singing, I think, at Coney Island. Oh, OK. And we're like, holy shit, is that the guy?

And then, you know, more people are like, I think I saw that guy. Somehow, some way we find an Instagram page that they say it's him. We end up getting a phone number. We end up talking to him and we verify that it's him. And we end up having this relationship. And, you know, we've we've sent a couple of producers to do segments. So Dr. Drew has been to his place. Josh Potter has been to his place.

Whoa, really? Oh, yeah. So we've, you know, he's been on our live shows. We have an actual relationship with him. We're deep in it now. And, you know, we've got him cell phones and computer. We've got him equipment. Oh, that's great. So you get a pissed on? No, I've tried. OK.

I've very much I've tried very hard to do that. But the other day, he sends me a message and he's just like. Back to work. And I'm like, me too. You know, I don't know. Yeah. And I just go to his page and I see what he's posting. He lists his his name. He goes his name.

He always gives his address and his phone number. Listen to the amount of phone numbers he gets for himself from memory. And welcome to Lucifer's Life. I'm your Hado's RPC man. And we are here at twenty three ninety five Wagner houses, proper to see those in 18124th and Chris Avenue, east side of Harlem. That's right, guys. If you hear me right.

Loud I am here at nine 17 Shanma sometimes went three or three four, seven, two, eight, one, three, one, five, six or six ones, six, two, but one, eight, six, one, five or six six or six. Nine one seventeen, five, three night, one, seven three, five, three, two, nine, one, three or three, or seven two, eight, one, three, one, six or six to one eight, six, one, five. Okay, OK, I'm here guys. So let me get what's going on, man.

Twenty three ninety five. Hey, I am here guys. Our PC looking for the hot guys who want to come over and party hard. Let me know. I'm trying to watch what I eat. I don't know. But that it was a ham and cheese. But just not good.

Didn't do it for shit. I don't know. I don't know. Well, whatever, nothing about eating. OK, but I'm here tonight with seventy five, three, two, nine, one, three. Fuck I mean, how many fucking phones is this lighting matches? I don't know how he memorized all that six phone numbers. It's a lot of phone number.

And he's got a flare for decor too, man. I like that unicorn in the back. One for the plug and one for the loaf. He's got a lot of numbers, dude. How does so does he get laid? Yeah, OK, I mean, I think so. Yeah, he's down. But he I I can appreciate how shameless he expresses his his sexual urges.

That's what we love about him is his openness and honesty and his availability. He does like to reiterate six numbers. He's always you know, could you imagine? I wonder does he have landlines? Are these all burner phones? Are these internet phone numbers? You have six phones? Like yeah, are these neighbors phone?

Are they all maybe they're all the like like the Google numbers where you call it and it forwards to why would you put out so many numbers? No, yeah, it doesn't help, right? To have that many numbers. We can we call some and figure this out? Should we have you guys call and like? Not to not not not right now, but let's get this straight because this is crazy. I want him to pare down his number of phones.

Yeah, I think it'll help with getting pissed on. I think yeah, he's going to be dry as long as he's got six phones. I think so, too. Yeah, stick to one. I mean, even giving I forgot that he gives out like the apartment number. That's wild. Address, full address. Full address.

1 395 Wagner houses, apartment to see building eight. I mean, one twenty fourth of First Avenue, east side of the car. Give me a call nine ones. I'm like, you know what? I lived at one point. I live like eight blocks from him. Wow. This is when you first got there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Things turned around. Yeah, I haven't been pissed on for a while. But yeah, I lived up there. It's serious. East Harlem is it's it's like the only neighborhood that's not gentrified whatsoever, like it has not changed at all. Yeah. But yeah, yeah. So I live we were like practically neighbors.

Holy shit. Yeah, eight blocks from him. Yeah, yeah, eight blocks. Yeah, I lived on one 16. Wow. This whole time you could have been pissing on him and be but you're not a double dating. Yeah. Yeah. Holy shit. This also came in from as you're currently a New Yorker. Ted Cruz went to a Yankees game. Oh, nice.

Listen to listen to how he gets heckled by the fans there. Fuck you. You racist piece of shit. Fuck you. Fuck you, man. You suck. You fucking suck, dude. You're in disgrace. You're going to fucking hell, dude.

You're in disgrace. Everyone Trump called your wife ugly. You're in fuck. Remember that? Everyone Trump called your wife ugly and then you nominated him. You're in disgrace. You're in disgrace. Everyone those insurrectionists wanted to murder you.

Yo, go. You're in the piece of shit. Yo, go. Trump. Get the fuck out of New York. Get out of New York. Trump called your wife ugly and then you nominated him. You're in fuck.

Get the fuck out of New York. He might stick your ass off. New York. I love it. You got to love it. He played it out. He played it off like people are. Yeah, he's like, nice to see everyone.

That's the move. I guess if people are hating you, you go, it's good to see you. It's like an overconfident comic. He's bombing. Thank you guys very much. Yeah, still giving the same amount of energy. Do you realize like being a politician is that half the population at least fucking hate your guts that much all the time.

Like you just get a barrage. Like we get hatred. Not that much. Not like that. That sounds crazy. He's the most hated. But fuck. Why do you think he would be like, yeah, maybe a Yankees game

isn't a great place for me to hang? It's the worst place for me to go. Let's be like Pelosi going to a fucking Alabama football. Yeah, absolutely. You're going to get fucking. It's a weird. Murdered. It's so weird.

And like he I would think that him being as hated as he is. He's pretty much hated nationally, you know, internationally, going to to Yang that he would need like serious security, not like one or two guys. It's not it's not like that drummed up votes. Why would he even go? I always wanted to see a Yankee game. I don't know. He should stay away for sure.

Yeah, smug. Yeah, smug. He's so fat. He is fatter than before. No, yeah, he's been getting fatter. Yeah, the beard is not doing him favors either. It's not a cool beard. No, no, you can't have a thin beard when you're fat.

It's got to be a full beard. He's I think he was wasn't he born in Canada? Yeah. Oh, shit, dude. Oh, no, he's one of us. Yeah, he's one of us. Yeah, it's funny because I went up there and I have a I talk about him at one point and I was I was backstage at the first show I was doing.

I think I was in Toronto and I was talking to like the staff and I was like, oh, would people know Cruz? And they're like, of course. And I was like, they would. They go, he's Canadian. He's a piece of shit. We all hate him. Yeah, OK.

I was like, great, good. Just making sure. Yeah, it did. If I can killed. Oh, good. Yeah, I killed. Yeah, yeah, they like we because you wouldn't the Canadian equivalent to Ted Cruz, Americans wouldn't know.

But we were again, like we watch American news. You watch. So yeah, we know all those things. It is funny the the the roller coaster ride of what has been the Trudeau years. Yeah, because like he came on and people, you know, it's funny because everybody ultimately like what what people are attracted to in politicians. A lot of times they're just like, oh, this guy's handsome. Absolutely.

Yeah, and that's what everybody was like. Have you seen this really handsome guy? And he really is. In Canada. Yeah, he's a handsome dude. He's a good looking. He should model in Milan, too. I think he probably did.

That's what I'm getting at. Yeah. But, you know, and then he seemed like this sensible, empathetic type of guy. Yeah. But in the last few years, he's become very polarizing. Oh, totally. I don't fall like a Canadian politics are not as exciting as American policy. I don't really follow Canadian politics.

But yeah, I remember when he came out and he had, like, wore blackface to like, and it's not like, oh, yeah, he did that. It was the 70s. Like we were all, you know, to me, it was like not that long ago. It was wild. Wild. Yeah, just a rich kid in blackface. But also the way that he, I guess, handled COVID, it split the country

pretty much. Yeah, I was shocked when. Yeah, when there was all those protests and stuff like that. I would. So I was there a month and a half ago. Yeah, I was walking on the streets of Toronto. Yeah. And there were massive anti-trudeau marches.

Really? Oh, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Just thousands of people walking down. Fucked, had fucked Trudeau. So I was like, holy shit. Yeah. You know, I don't really know the stories that much.

I'm just like, wow, they don't like him anymore. He's not so cute. I think it's pretty split. Yeah. Yeah, it's weird. And then yeah, he, yeah, he, I guess he's not. People talk. I'd really, I don't know a ton.

I don't know why people dislike him so much. I think he's getting, isn't he too lefty, lefty now? He's super lefty. Yeah. Like too lefty, lefty. Oh, really? Okay. Yeah.

So progressive. So progressive. Yeah, they can be too much. Do you still a family in Canada? No, not anymore. My grandma used to live in Toronto. Oh, she said it. And then she said, oh, wait, no, I'm lying.

I have two cousins. I'm sorry. Sorry, Justin and Leo. Yeah, I've got a couple of cousins. No, no, no, not you do it. Yeah, Justin and Leo. Oh, okay. Yeah.

And yes, Hungarians out there too. Living in Canada? Yeah. Still in Windsor? I don't think in Windsor. I forget where Justin and Leo live. You helped him. And of course, Shane from Road Roll.

Shout out to Shane. Calgary. I consider him a brother. Calgary. Yeah. We just texted yesterday. He's a good dude. He's the best.

But no, I haven't even gone back to where I was born. So I'd like, I'd love to see the beautiful apartment complex. Yeah. I was there. You don't, you know, it's funny. I hear it's lovely. It's a nice casino. Yeah, Windsor is, yeah, it's famous for strip bars.

Casinos. Casinos and like American, like drunk teenager Americans that can't drink in America yet, but can drink at 19 in Windsor. You know, it's so, it's so fitting that that's my birthplace. I like that. For some reason, I love that I was born at like the trashiest part of Canada. I mean, that and like, yeah, that could be the worst.

Can I tell you what blew my mind on this tour? Because we, you know, I did so many fucking shows and I did, I went to places I hadn't been to. Yeah. And I just did Halifax. Oh, OK. And it was fucking awesome. Halifax is amazing.

I had no idea. So it's just like one of those things they're like, you're going, you know, and you're like, all right. Yeah. And it was like beautiful. Yeah. And the people were awesome. Yeah.

The show was bananas. Yeah. And it was the best, it was the best time. I, yeah, I love Halifax. Yeah, Halifax is really cool. The whole like East, that whole like the maritime provinces are cool. That's it's it's in Atlantic time. You know, that's a half hour ahead of the Eastern time.

Yeah. What's their specialty food? Do they have a poutine type of fish? Yeah, like fish and stuff. But it Halifax, that whole area, that's Halifax, a big party town, though, people get people get loaded in. Yeah. And it's a big fighting town, too.

Fighting town. Yeah. People get in fights. Yeah. Great. Yeah, yeah. Well, we didn't have that, but it was a it was a nice surprise stop.

Yeah, it's you had Halifax is beautiful, for sure. And it's a good comedy town. Yeah, it was one of the best shows of the tour. Oh, OK, Halifax. Speaking of shows, don't forget, check out Phil Hanley's new special. Oolala. It's on his YouTube channel right now, which I'm assuming is YouTube.com slash Phil Hanley.

It's yeah. If you feel, yeah, if you put Phil Hanley, Oolala, you'll get it. You'll get it. My YouTube channel is not doesn't have like the little the little OK. Yeah. And then when is the book going to come out? Do you know I'm the new probably I'll probably finish it in the next like six months and then it'll come out a year after that. OK, amazing.

Yeah, I'm excited. I look forward to reading. Will you please send us a copy? Absolutely, I will. Yeah, for sure. I'll be awesome. Thank you for coming in today, man. Oh, thank you.

That went by so quick. We're blessed. It's great to see you guys. Great to see you too, man. Model Phil Hanley, everybody. OK. You guys can come down. You're out.

Oh, that was stupid. Everything. Yeah. Yeah. Cooley, cooley, dick, dick, damn, man. Cooley, cooley, dick, dick, damn, man. Yeah. Yeah.

Cooley, cooley, dick, dick, damn, man. Cooley, cooley, dick, dick, damn, man. We're very, very, very excited. Cooley, cooley, dick, dick, damn, man. Cooley, cooley, dick, dick, damn, man. Cooley, cooley, dick, moist, dick, dick, damn, man. Woo! Wooo!

Antboy?! Antboy? Fuck! You got your gun! It's good! Hey, hey, hey! That is freakin' crazy.