Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Preparing For The Worst w/ Chad Daniels | Your Mom's House Ep. 771

Episode Date: August 7, 2024

SPONSORS: -Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://Talkspace.com/MOM This week on Your Mom's House Podcast, Tina and Tom are transitioning! Tom wants to be smoother and Tina wants to grow a big, meaty, Dwayne Johnson. They share a story about a eye-opening shower they had together recently, before Christina updates the rest of the mommies on the progress she's made treating her tit cancer. Tom opens this show with a really cool guy who's in a committed relationship with his hands and keeps the clips coming as he cheers up Christina with some incredible drops. Christina and Tom welcome comedian Chad Daniels to the Mommy Dome. The trio talk about Chad's new special, enjoying time off, dad stuff, and the anxiety of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. They also discuss Prince, guidance counselors, Tom's new hobby, before Tom introduces Chad to recent favorites Goblin Head and Baby Head. Chad also experiences some Horrible or Hilarious and the TikTok gauntlet known as Christina's Curations! Your Mom’s House Ep. 771 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinaponline.com/tour-dates https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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We're queer. This is my voice on first day of estrogen. How's everybody doing? I can't wait for you to transition. Yeah, I'm getting there. Yeah, I'm gonna transition too after part of my therapy now is gonna be to take hormone blockers. That's awesome.

It's awesome. Am I gonna grow a dick? I mean, the more masculine the better. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. I'm gonna try to hold on. I'm not gonna cut my hair short. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. I'm gonna try to hold on. I'm not gonna cut my hair short.

That's cool. Yeah, I'm having full laser hair removal done. Yeah. So I could be a little more smooth and yeah. Well, I have to say, and I hope you don't mind me sharing with the audience. Yeah. We took a shower together a little while ago.

Reluctantly, yes, go ahead. Why reluctant? How dare you? yes, go ahead. Why reluctant? How dare you? Okay, go ahead. I was washing your little bee hind, and you spread your cheeks, and the amount of hair that's there, it's a problem.

It's a lot, I can't imagine that's pleasant for you. I don't think about it a lot, but when people go, what's taking you so long in the bathroom? The answer is, I'm cleaning my hairy asshole. I mean, imagine if you shit out the top of your head. Wouldn't it take a while? Yeah. And see, here's the deal, man.

Is that for years you've said that to me and I just thought you were faking it Yeah, the way I faked being tired in Italy Yeah, the way I I need to sleep more fake having period cramps or you know, you you see that as weakness So I thought you were lying. Yeah And then you shows you how reluctant you are To get in there because you just discovered it this year. Even though I've been begging you to eat my scrum for a decade. Not even if the cure for tit cancer was eating your asshole.

The doctor is like, Christina, we know a way. It's eating Tom Sgrub's ass. I'd rather have cancer. Give me the cancer. Give me the cancer. You know what? You deserve it. What? Oh no! Here we go. Now, a couple quick things here. Oh dear you. I'm in the live

concert touring business. Oh, yeah. I'm part of the Great Outdoors Comedy Festival and I'm coming to the great country of Canadia as they say in native populations. Friday August 9th I'll be in Ottawa. Saturday August 10th Halifax. Can't wait to come back there. Friday August 23rd back to the old USA for Spokane Washington and, and then Saturday, August 24th, Calgary for two shows, two shows in Calgary. So Ottawa, Halifax, Spokane and Calgary. And you said them all wrong.

I don't know how Spokane got a date on this, if it was all Canadian dates, but they, I know, but they snuck in. I mean, it's not, it's the States. That's true. Oh, also I have an update about my 2025 dates. But they, I know, but they snuck in. I mean, it's not, it's the States. That's true. Oh, also I have an update about my 2025 dates. Agent Jeans is rebooking those. I will not be able to tour in 2024. So those will be moved to 2025. Just check my website whenever. Great. When I'm slowly easing, I'll slowly ease back. You'll ease back. Maybe you'll wake up from a nap and we'll get back to it. I got so much to talk about about, should we talk about it now? Or do you want to wait? Maybe you'll wake up from a nap and we'll get back to it.

I got so much to talk about about. Should we talk about it now or do you want to wait? Let's wait. Let's wait. Let's get into this show. It's very exciting. Here we go. Ready and here we go. I got three girls, uh My left my right hand

Your name's are surely Rosie Pamela I can use them anytime I want to He's always randy. He's awesome. Don't bring anyone's mother into this. You're stupid. Look. What are you doing? Yep. Yep. Oh yeah.

Hello. I love my twin. It's your twin. That's yeah. That was a great joke. Huh? That was hilarious. I haven't heard that since seventh grade. He shaved for another one. Oh, guys, this is this video is for you.

Okay. You know those cock rings you put around your dick, right? And your balls together. Yeah, we got it. Do shit is for sure the truth. Not a joke. Truth. I'm doing it hours. Do it for a couple hours a day. Yeah. Wouldn't it be crazy if he was the first guy to discover this?

Yeah. This has been around forever and then yeah, no doctor has ever said this No company has figured out how to monetize this. It's just this guy Todd who was like guess what? And he's right how to make your ticket and he's right and he's like a multi-millionaire Because well, I guess he can't patent the idea. No, he can't yeah He looks I don't know. I like him better with the beard personally really Yeah, I was gonna compliment how nice he looks, I don't know, I like him better with the beard personally. Really? Yeah.

I was gonna compliment how nice he looks with shaving. I like it with the beard. And you know who he reminds me of is the 10 to 12 Benadryl guy. Oh, same energy. Yeah, you want your sexual play. Energy, yes. 27 hours.

Aesthetically, I think he reminds you of the guy sitting across from you. Yeah, for sure. That's your long lost brother, It's your twin right there. That could have been you, dude. That could have been you. Take your cock. You know cock rings?

Put them around your dick. Yeah, duh. For a couple hours. And your balls, you forgot your balls. You're cocking your balls, then it'll grow. No shit. This is not a joke. That means he's been wrecking, rocking one for like a few hours a day.

For sure. Well, he's got the time. Let's be real. I mean, I guess technically if you were wearing one for a few hours, which I'm almost a hundred percent certain is not recommended, you could maybe create some scar tissue that gives the illusion that you're gaining something. Yeah, because it cuts circulation, correct? Yeah. It just traps the blood in your dick and balls and probably not go long term. Yeah. You probably shouldn't do this. Heads up to all you new cockering users.

You put it on after you're erect. After you're erect. Oh, is that? Yeah. Oh, right, to keep the blood. There. Oh my god, I didn't think about that. The more you know. The more you think about that. I have the more, you know, the more, you know

Yeah, that's cool. So what you should do is follow kind of both of our instructions Get a hard on put on a cock ring and then use it for a few hours walk around take care of your errands Go to the grocery store. Go to the post office people like wow That's impressive pretty prominent erection you have. Well, see, and I think too, it might be that he's looked at his erect penis and balls for so long that, you know, you think it looks bigger.

Yeah, cause it's engorged. Yeah. Right? It could be more of a psychosomatic or like a psychological edge, which is fine. You know, do some research, try it. Try it. See what happens. Absolutely see what happens Yeah, there's so many cool things. I want to play for I want it. I want it all

This lady I wanted to play this latest clip for so long Fuck you bitch you I do what I want to do. I'm 97 and dying. I got a hole in my cheek. It's going all the way over to the other side. Yeah. So nasty that motherfucker. Now, how about that? Yeah, I don't. And if I ever see your man, I'm going to suck his dick.

And I'm going to lick the car while he's... That little wrinkly part at the top. That really tickles me. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, honey. I can't believe you. My is appalled. I just want you to know.

Well, be appalled. Dennis, John, Jane. Who gives a fuck? That's your baby. But I'm not gonna lie. I had a wonderful time. Yeah. A gorgeous time. Yeah. Dude, she's my soulmate. Did you see her, um, feel it? Yeah, she went, ooh.

And then she was like, ooh. Like, she went right to the place of like the feeling. Yeah, I can do that too. Yeah, I'm sure you can. Especially on your deathbed, when you're just remembering all them sweet dogs you had. But look at this part. That's so rad. This is the best part.

She was like that place near the top. Yeah. It really tickles me. Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can do it too. Come on. She's got great teeth. I mean, yeah,

dude, she's the best. She's fucking, I love this woman. Oh, yeah. Come on, honey. Oh, my God. That's who I want to be. See, you know, you've said this before on the show, but why do we always assume that old people are sweet and innocent and they're not? They're just older versions of the piece of shit you were when you were younger.

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Visit amex.ca slash ymx. Benefits vary by card, terms apply. Yeah. Meanwhile, she's like, how many dicks you want me to name that I've stuck? Yeah. Because it's nice to have an example of her as an agent, agent person, because now I'm like, oh, I can still be myself at 97.

You know? I want to see more old people doing shit like that. People assume the simplest of the elderly for some reason, as if they are not people who have gone through life. Right. But some of them, I feel, do get more conservative as they age. I think that makes for men for instance your testosterone fades and you're not trying to be reproductive. You know like men's biology is spread your seed and then it gets to an age where it just stops being that drive. But that doesn't mean that that old man 40 years prior wasn't a fucking animal. Yeah or a piece of shit. Remember that neighbor we had? Yeah, of course.

Yeah, think about him. I think about him a lot. Think about him all the time. He lived right under us on this driveway. Anyway, we assumed he was like a sweet old guy. Yeah. And he wasn't, and he wasn't. He wasn't.

Remember like his kids wouldn't visit him like that? None of them. That's weird. None. When none of the kids went. And I go, none of your kids are visiting? He's like, no. He wasn't... Remember like his kids wouldn't visit him like that? None of them. That's weird. When none of the kids went. And I go, none of your kids are visiting? He's like, no. And at first you can go like, oh, what shitty kids?

But then you kind of go like, is it shitty kids? Yeah, because then you grow up and you're like, oh, I have kids now? If you're not talking to your parents, there's a reason. Most kids want a relationship with their parents. For you to sever that tie, it's something real, you know? He would tell me too that he just wants to die. Yeah. He was going to get, I'm serious.

We can say his name now, he's probably long dead. Yeah, he's definitely dead. What was his name? Monty? No, no. Maybe Marty or something. Marty? Marty.

Miltie? He was like an M sound, Ernie. He would sit in that hot ass apartment. Well that's the thing, so he had an apartment, this is in Los Angeles, on Hyperion, going into Atwater Village. And you know, it gets real, people don't, I don't know if you know, it gets really hot

in Los Angeles for a number of months. Usually cooks up in July and then August, September and into October it's very very hot. Especially in these areas of the city. And you know it was fucking 100. No breeze. I remember just you're not by the ocean, you're inland. Yeah you're way far inland. Fucking sucks. And I walked by his place and I was like, do you not have, you could see his whole unit

because we all had like small places. Like you don't have a AC unit? Do you want me to go get, I was like, I'll go get you one. Like I will drive to the store, buy you a Lowe's window unit. He's like, I don't want one. I was like, you don't want one? He was like, nah, I don't want that shit. I't want that shit okay and then he would wear a tracksuit like a velour

fucking old-school tracksuit and sit in his oven yeah and then somebody would pick him up for dialysis I would see him like swollen sometimes and I'd be like well you know I'd say something along the lines of well, hopefully, you know Something it gets better from here. He like hopefully it ends hopefully, there's no more life to live pretty soon and I'm like Okay But I will say so we had a really tricky driveway in that place It was pretty vertical and it was an old Silver Lake shitty place.

So it was all crooked and broken. The driveway hadn't been repaved in centuries. And so you had to go up and we all parked at the top of this hill basically. And that guy had his old piece of shit car. Remember? What was it? Like a Trans Am or something really old? It was not a Trans Am. How the fuck that was? Yeah.

And I would watch that old guy, start it up in the morning and back out onto Hyperion. Like an old ass Lincoln, yeah. And he could do it. And I was like, you know what though, he's still got the skills. Even I struggle. It stopped though, he stopped driving at a certain point.

Yeah, what a piece of shit. Yeah, it sucked. It sucked. I'm so glad we're not there anymore. Well, yeah, I was gonna say that we're not there in life yet. And I'm like, yeah, not yet. Oh, it's almost there. Speaking of, so I've been having,

so just to keep you guys up on my titty sitch, I've been having my pre-op appointments and I went to the plastic surgeon yesterday. And- That really tickled me. Whoa. Well, anyway, first of all, there's two sides that there's two things I want to talk about. Number one, the surgeon told me pacifically

that I will need to sleep for two weeks. Like, it's doctor mandated that I sleep in order for my body to rebuild and recover. I mean, do you think you can follow the orders or no? You think you have it in you? To resist? The reason I'm telling it is like last episode, if you haven't watched that one, we went to Italy and I sleep a lot

and Tom got very upset with me that I would sleep through the night while he was up at 3 a.m. jet lagged. Okay, so what are you planning on here? Like 20 hours in bed a day or something like that? Something normal? She said to me, she's like, don't be surprised if you sleep like day and night. Yeah.

And I was like, I don't know if my husband will let me. What about you? I mean, that doesn't seem like something you'd like to do. I'm going to be so high too. I'm taking so many drugs. That's going to be great. Are you going to stand over me and seethe quietly or are you gonna be vocal about your disdain for my resting? Like are you gonna say stuff or are you gonna like? Probably both I'll probably just be like another busy day for you and then I'll just slam the door on the way out Cuz you're gonna sleep next to me. And I'm like, I wonder if he's going to quietly resent my resting, like my recovery.

Yeah, probably. Yeah. So what? It's good. That's healthy. So the second part to this story is that, you know, I have to get surgery anyway for other stuff. So I'm going to get my breasts made smaller and you have to go look at a you look at a gallery

of the plastic surgeons work to see which surgeon you want to go with. And so I was talking to the nurse yesterday for my pre appointment. And we got along well, it was like an hour's worth of information, what I got to do what I have to prepare it at a data. And then at the very end, she took a picture of me naked, you know, she saw my state droopers. It's embarrassing. So I felt vulnerable.

I felt like I could jive with her, you know? And I was like, look, I've been looking through them Tatey galleries and I've noticed that like some of these chicks would get reductions, like, bro, they're like five foot one, like 200 pounds. And they're like 20 years old. I'm like, what a bunch of chonkers, huh? Like I'm trying to get her to like fat shame. Yeah. Yeah.

And she goes, well, I mean, some of these women, their breasts are so big that they can't exercise. So we're helping them. Yeah, like they'll get their breasts on first so they can exercise. Yeah. I'm like. That sounds like somebody's quite the enabler there. The other thing is their tits are so big,

they can't even eat healthy food. Because the tits are in the way of their mouth. I know, what would Kevin Samuel say? He's like, dude, he's too big, get you three piece, six piece. That is absolute. She can't even lift the six piece to her mouth. Her tits are so heavy.

I mean, fuck right off because I'm like a 34 like E. I can, yes I don't run because that shit hurts, but like you can swim, you can lift weights, you can walk. Yeah, of course. They sell bras, you fucking fat pigs. Look, everyone's been on the side of the porkers mentality.

You know where you go like, well I've got, you always have your reason why you can't do it. And so that lady's just hurt it. And then she now spouts it for them. Oh, you know, it's just too big for them to do anything. Everything hurts. And also there's just weak, you know, like if you go, my back hurts today, my knees hurt.

And then someone just goes, well, then don't do anything. So you just kind of reinforce this way of thinking, right? Then you get a little team of people who go, well, that's why you can't do stuff. Well, yeah, you know, you know, I, you know, it would make it hurt less. You had a reduction and then maybe that would, you know, so it's all enabling. Well, I get it. They've got a business. They need to keep people, you know, getting surgeries, but like, yeah, cause for a while I, when I was fat after, um, I had our first kid, like my knees hurt all the time. And my trainer at one point, my

Pilates instructor, she's so sweet, but she's like, do you know why your knees might hurt? And I was like, cause I'm a fat piece of shit. Is that what you said? And what'd she say? She was like, and I was like, cause she's really nice, sweet girl, you know, like, you know. I had that one time with the massage therapist. Remember?

When they tell you how fat you are. No, when I go, you know. So I noticed that if you go to like, whatever, 10 different massage therapists, that in my experience, like 20% will do, well, here's the thing, I didn't know what it's called, something to your neck where they kind of like find this groove and it feels like they're moving

like a tendon, no, no, but something that feels really good. And usually what happens is you're so lost, your face is in a cradle that later on, when you think of it it it's too late to like ask right yeah so I'm with this I can remember this this is like in our Woodland Hills house so I get a massage oh I know yeah yeah and so she's doing it and I and I'm in my head I'm like like, what is this? Yeah, what is this called? so I Massage is done and I go, you know, I gotta ask you something about the neck and she's like, what's that?

I go I've noticed that not every therapist does it but you do something with your thumb in this part of the neck That like it just feels really good. I'm wondering is that that like, can I learn the language of what what this anatomy is? You know, because I've noticed that not everybody does it. And I was wondering what that's called. And she goes, well, you know, the reason not every therapist probably does it is you have like this fat pocket, like this deposit of fat around your neck. So not everybody is reaching into there and getting it.

And I go, so what's it called? Because that was the question. What's the name of that? And she's like, oh, you know, I don't know. Obesity. But if you were wondering why not everybody does it, it's because you're fat. And I was like, that wasn't my question.

She was like, okay. Yeah, it was so good. Thank you. You know, one time, oh, I went to see Dr. Dick and our famous Dr. Dick in your act. Yeah. We lived in LA and it was after I had had my first or second kid too, and it was after I had had my first

or second kid too, so it was real hefty. And he put me in a gown, a paper gown to examine me. He was fucking brutal. Brutal. And I was a chonker at the time, like I was a porker, and I tore the gown, like I was so big that it ripped. And he, you know, he was very real thin and that it ripped and he you know he was very rail thin and very like pristine yeah you know and he was like I never forget you

know you never forget the words he was like whoa you're really busting out of that thing huh and I was like see shouldn't this tell you if you're listening or watching because people will play clips or listen to this, is that what we're telling you is we're not shitting on you. We're the same as you. That's the whole thing. We're the same as you. And what we don't like, at least I can speak for myself,

what I don't like is the enabling soft language of it all. I don't like being told it's all good, don't worry, you look great and don't even think about this. Like that's really what I'm fired up about. I think when I talk about these points with you, what I'm really doing is like talking to myself. Do you know what I mean? Like don't allow yourself to think this way.

Well, and if I had let my big bosoms stop me from exercising, then I too would weigh a lot more. You can't allow, everyone's got limitations. I just flogged the shit out of myself a couple weeks ago and I went to a nutritionist and have been following a meal plan, just because I'm like, I can't, I don't wanna slide too far.

You gotta fight the fight. Yeah, you gotta fight. You always gotta fight the fight. I think that's what it is. And the people that are just like, maybe can't, I don't want to slide. You got to fight the fight. Yeah. You always got to fight the fight. I think that's what it is. And the people that are just like, maybe you're too big to exercise. Like you're not even in the ring, dude. Like you're not fighting the fight. Yeah.

Everyone needs to fight the fight. True. Anyway, so yeah, we'll see. What else you got for me? Oh my God. There's so many. There's so many good ones. I feel like you're like you're very excited.

What happens if I don't? Are you going to turn me over your lap and spank me? Are you going to call me your dirty little girl? Do I need to call you daddy? I'm not following you. Can I tell you something? I've never seen. Let's just hold on.

In all my TikTok curation days, I've never seen that. That's a rare breed. Can I tell you something that's 100% true? These DMs stay full for this lady. All you have to do as a woman is put out just even a little bit of like, I'm interested. It doesn't matter. Nothing else matters. It doesn't matter if you're in shape,

doesn't matter how pretty you are. If you're like, I'll play the game, these DMs stay full. Well, that's what we learned about OnlyFans and what's really beautiful about a platform like that is that there's something for everybody. And you realize like, you don't have to be a 10. You can be whatever this broad is and you know what is yeah yeah but just by just by putting it out there putting it out there and then what it what it does is this engages the male

fantasy of like you're interested too right you? You like it too. I love it. And you want to talk about it on my level. Yeah. As soon as you do that, guys are like, I mean, I'm telling you, I bet she's just like all day, I just scroll through these messages. She should really be commodifying this. Why did you offer to grab me by the waist

and pin me against the wall while you run your hand up the inside of my thigh until you reach the sweet promised land? No, I didn't see that in there. Thanks anyway. Got my hopes up. Hope you have a good day. Bye. And that right there got her like... She needs to have a business. Yeah. Like she's actually I think the who they hire. Remember back before the internet was all about sex, 1-800, sex number 1-800, whatever it is, you'd call. This is who, because she knows how to play,

she knows how the man wants to hear things. She's got talent, she's got skills, I agree. And right there, she probably posted that, and they were just right away like, I'm in your day, I'll fucking. Ha ha! Good for her, she does need to start her business. She doesn't have to pay her rent, for sure she can get that paid.

No, she should be doing that. Yeah. That's a skill right there. Yeah, here's another skill. Oh fuck. What is it? Why would you say that? It's puke or like...

No, you're gonna actually like this one. You'll like this, I promise. Death of a salesman was like the last blist. It's been a long three days. A lot of sushi and... salesman was like the last one. It's been a long three days. A lot of sushi in Japan. Oh my God. Tom Cruise is so weird.

As if I couldn't love Dustin Hoffman anymore. That's fucking amazing. I love it. But look how weird Tom Cruise is so weird. As if I couldn't love Dustin Hoffman anymore. That's fucking amazing. Farting in an interview. I love it. But look how weird Tom Cruise is. Like the force that, ha ha ha ha ha at the end, like he's gotta really play along. He didn't want to play along in that interview.

I bet you he doesn't react that way for everyone's farts. That was a Dustin Hoffman reaction. But if like the PA farted, I don't think he'd be like that was awesome Oh, no different story. Yeah. No, no, it's people would be fired because this is probably like the Rain Man junket Yeah, I'm guessing yeah I think so too Rain Man and he's like he's he's got a he's got a play along cuz Hoffman's higher than him in the hierarchy Yeah, yeah

Yeah, this is my voice On T. They're fascinating And this is my voice one day on T. These are fascinating. And this is my voice five months on T. Not singing too much C.L. lately, if you know what I'm saying. And vocal fry. Why did he? It's probably because it's fun to engage it once the pitch is further down. So cool.

You're like, oh my god, this is like a new instrument. I'm gonna play with it. I wish I could take tea. Would you? You can. What are you talking about? Well, I can right now, but maybe, maybe, like I wish I could.

What are you gonna do, fucking sleep more if you take it? No, but don't you wish I could take tea for a year just to see what happens and then I'd stop taking it. But I wanna know what my voice sounds like on teeth. Yeah, you can do that. Dude, you and I would be fighting so much. I would fucking wrestle you and fist fight you and oh my God. Do all kinds of great-

Ball cupping. Your behavior would change. Nipple sucking. Wow, he's got no teeth. He's got no teeth. That's cool. He's got no teeth. Got it. Okay, next. I don't understand. Can I be clear here? Yeah.

I don't understand how as a woman you watch that and you seriously don't get turned on at all. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. Can we go to the next? How are you not around? I'm a human fucking being. I'm a human. But that's not sexy to you? For real? For real. For real, it's Tom, yeah. Why? Babe. You don't know what he's doing with his tongue?

Babe, I got it. Well then what's not, how are you not turned on by that? Cause I look at the whole package, babe. He's in like a sad trailer. I don't like that he has no teeth. I'm just thinking about his sad life, babe. Okay. I can't, I don't like that he has no teeth. I'm just thinking about his sad life, babe Okay, I can't I don't like him Please stop showing me things like this

What Jimmy didn't know is that Ralph was sick the sickness that was not visible like smallpox But no less dangerous and contagious the sickness of the mind You see Ralph was a homosexual a person who demands an intimate relationship with members of their own sex But by now Jimmy felt a fondness for Ralph and they continued to go places together Ralph was generous and took Jimmy many interesting places and did many nice things for him Well Jimmy's like 15. Yeah. That's so gay.

Well, this is like the, in this era, they always, like, they always align the two. Oh, homosexual with pedophilia. Yeah, it's always like, which is a pretty, it's very nice for the gay people. Yeah. I don't want a kid though. I want to fuck kids. Well, you know what's interesting? Because I'm reading that book about that woman

that turned into a man and then lived in a man's world for a while and then killed herself. It's just like the gays. And one thing I'm learning is that men don't look at each other. Was this book, sorry, produced or released before this person? Yes.

So they put the book out and then killed themselves? I think so. I'm not sure, you may wanna look at the chronology of said timeline things but anyway, the point is what this woman noticed when she became a man and lived in a man's world is Eye-contact she said when you walk down the street men don't make eye contact because it incites a threat of violence And if they do their homosexuals and if you'll notice in this video Jimmy was making extreme eye contact. That is pretty true. That is pretty true. That was homosexual and I read it. What men do when they walk down the street is like there's different levels of gays so

them oh gays g-a-z-e yeah and gays g-a-y-s just like there's also levels of those gays but when it comes to your eyes, as a man, you walk down the street and your eyes can follow your path and you see people from your peripheral, that is all normal and scoping out. But people also, we do it in milliseconds. They read that, oh, this person's looking around. But when you are walking and you look at someone if it isn't like

super brief because you can do like a thing where that person also they clock that you're just Checking out the room, but if you like hold a look on another man if it's like a super aggro dude a hundred percent that guy will be like He react like why are you making eye contact? You're not supposed to really make eye contact with, and you know, there's different parts of town where I think you would definitely not do that in.

Because guys are looking for fights. They're biologically designed to defend and to kind of gauge where there are threats. Yes. Well, that's what this woman man wrote is that hierarchy is of utter importance and like you're yeah. So maybe that's part of it. It's like this guy's. Yeah. You kind of always who's a threat, who's not. And then that's also a thing. Like you said, uh, if you gauge, like you gaze in someone's eyes and you're just kind of like boom boom

That person's kind of gonna be like was this person looking at me like that for you know and but then if you like Hold a look on someone. They're gonna be like oh this person's gay. Yeah Yeah, that's cool the same way you would look at a straight man look at a woman You know you just kind of yes, and we feel that yeah We feel the look this guy's gonna really assault me yeah sometimes those looks are tough yeah yeah that's so funny because women look at women all the time and it's not yeah no men are different with that hostile and we complement each other what presence and even gave him money but payments were expected in return you see Jimmy hadn't recognized Ralph's approach soon enough. When Ralph first asked Jimmy to go fishing alone,

he should have discussed it with his parents or teacher. Finally Jimmy told his parents and they reported it to the juvenile authorities. Ralph was arrested and Jimmy was released on probation in the custody of his parents. Probation? What? I smell what your nuts smell like at his parents. Probation? What did Jimmy do wrong? I don't know. Victim? I don't know. Gay probation? Yep. Stupid. Let's take a quick break and we'll be right back with our guest. And we are back and we are back with our return guest, one of our favorite guests, one of our favorite comedians.

His new special, Empty Nester, is out now on Netflix. You can get tickets to see him at ChadDaniels.com. It's Chad Daniels, everybody. Hello. Hi. I love you so much. I'm on Netflix now. Netflix, dude.

That's so cool. Yeah, it's nice to actually be able to, I was saying, put a special out and have a different, dude. That's so cool. Yeah, it's nice to actually be able to, I was saying put a special out and have a different name of where it's gonna be. It's fucking awesome, man. You deserve it the most. You do.

That's nice of you. I don't deserve, man. I think so. You do. Well, okay, guys, yes, I deserve it. Fuck, finally. You fucking busted your ass. You built a huge fan base just by putting out

great stand-ups, so I do think it's awesome that you have this. Well, that's nice, thank you. Yeah, that's very cool. Are you touring right away? Are you touring right now? No, I'm taking off until September 13th. That's nice.

Yeah, I'm just gonna go to the lake house, relax. Chill out, let the water bring me back to, I'm just kidding, I'm just gonna fucking relax. Yeah. Because it's been a while. And in September, will you be building, like working on stuff, or you have something else ready to go already?

I have 25, and so I'm gonna take the rest of the summer, and guess what, September 13th, hello guinea pigs. Yeah, yeah. I like announcing that, I think it's the most fun when you announce it for those shows, when you go, I'm coming, like, because people that wanna see you, obviously they're buying tickets, but you go, this is like,

I'm trying to figure out this next one. I think it becomes like a very fun thing to do together. I think there are a lot of people in the crowd that will go, we are so happy to be here for the genesis of this. We're gonna see the beginning, and then later get to see the end when it puts it somewhere.

But then there are some stinkers that are like, what the fuck? Yeah. These are new jokes? Yeah. Yeah, dude. Somebody get some. Yeah, absolutely. You're the lucky guy.

You know the Finnish joke you liked? Yeah. That was a new joke once. That's right. Yeah. You know what I found though, and because I work out stuff here in Austin a lot, is that when you try it, and even if it bombs and you just go, oh, sorry, guys, this is how the sausage gets made,

or, and you know, like, you write a note down, they love it. Yeah, they just want to be part of it. They love it. I think real comedy fans want to be part of the whole process. Yes. Well, that's awesome. And then people that are, what do you want to do tonight?

Let's try comedy for the first time. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they're like, we pay this much for this. Should we look up who it is? No, just go to a place that has time. Yeah, yeah. And then they're like, we pay this much for this. Should we look up who it is? No. Just go to a place that has it. Yeah. You know how we are offended by a lot of things? Let's give new stand-up comedy a try.

Very bright. Very smart move. How many specials is this now? This is my 10th hour that I've recorded. Wow. Chad, well deserved. Thanks. My friend, and you're so funny.

That's nice of you. And you know, your last appearance on Your Mom's House stuck with me for so long. What did I do? We were just like, this guy is mentally ill. So. There's no question. Yeah.

Well, so are we. I mean, you joined the club. Of course we are. If you spend your winters in northern Minnesota for a long, long time, just because your kids live there and you want them to go to high school where they want to be and you want them spend your winters in northern Minnesota for a long, long time, just because your kids live there and you want them to have, go to high school where they want to be and you want them to be around family,

yeah, you go a little fucking mental. Yeah, yeah, so there's different things that we both quote still. One, for me, it's that you cited an example that if you went to a restaurant and they're like, oh, do you want to try our chicken taquitos? And you're like, well, I did want to, but I'm not gonna let you fucking suggest that I try it. So I'm gonna come back tomorrow and hope that whoever's working tomorrow

doesn't have your script. You're like, this guy's fucking bananas. You think you're gonna manipulate me, bro? But they're not manipulating you. No, I understand that. Completely understand that. Yeah, yeah. I mean, my fucking dad was I understand that. I completely understand that. Yeah, yeah. I mean, my fucking dad was so manipulative

when I fucking smell it, I just go, not today, bitch. Not today, yeah. That's very, very funny. But even though, so what's interesting about the example you cited is that that waiter was gonna give you the thing you wanted. And even when it's the thing you wanted, you were like, fuck you for even.

Right, most people would go, oh my god, you guessed. I don't even have to think, that's amazing. How'd you know I came here for that today? You know me so well. And I'm just like, fucking turn around. Send someone else over here. I'll be here tomorrow. Yeah, I'm a psychopath.

So it's your dad, because I was like, maybe it's like your mom was overbearing growing up and wouldn't let you decide on things, but you're saying it's your dad. But there was something else that you liked from that. Oh my God. So, so here's the thing. Initially it was you discussing your girlfriend and you having a fight because she says, what's the phrase? Cause I'm bad at phrases. It was a, I think, I feel like we should, we should be together.

I know I remember that to the be together. No, I remember it. We should take this to the next level, don't you? Oh no, she goes, I'm having fun, are you having fun? Okay. And that also feels weird to me. And we've discussed this, because we did this thing, so her name's Kelsey Cook, she's also a comedian, and we did this thing called Notebook Rebuttal,

where we went on stage together, and then she would tell a joke about me and finally I got a chance to tell my side of the story and vice versa. That's very funny. And vice versa, right? And so we did that and she told that. She's like, what the fuck?

I mean, when I have fun, I don't look like it, but on the inside, I'm doing back flips. But right, I don't wanna show my cards early in a relationship, so I'm like, well, we'll see what happens. And she's like, oh, you're having fun? Well, tell your fucking face, man. So I get why she had to ask. I get why she had to ask.

What was your rebuttal to that one though? Were you just like, that I just keep those emotions inside? I think I yelled, leave me alone, my dad left. Something ridiculous, right? That's my, you know how everyone has like, I have ADHD and I have this, my go-to excuse is, hey man, come on, my dad left. Yeah.

Just to be a fool, you know? Yeah. So initially, there was a, what was the phrase he used, because we watched the clip, it was, it's time to take this, I think it's time to take this to the next level. Oh, okay. So, and I know Kelsey, I think she's the one with. No, it was, we's time to take this, I think it's time to take this to the next level. Oh, okay. So, and I know Kelsey, I think she's the lovely one.

No, it was, we were meant to be, I feel like we were meant to be together, don't you. Don't you. That's what it was. And so, here's the deal, man. And you were like, I don't know if I'm gonna answer that. So, I sided with like, Kelsey's side of that,

of like, what the fuck, dude? Like, I'm just trying to clarify where we are. But then we rewatched the footage because we knew you were coming back. And I side with you now. Because I think if it's something as silly as like, hey, that was fun, don't you think? I think that's innocuous, it's silly.

But when it's something major like a life event, like, hey, we should get married. I think we should get married, don't you? That's kind of leading. And now it forces you to go yes or no. It's the forcing of the answer that bothers you. Well, here's the thing, I'm gonna let her off the hook because every one of my actions led her to believe

my answer would be yes immediately, right? Because it was my answer. But this is the chicken taqu yes immediately, right? Because it was my answer. Sure, sure. But this is the chicken taquitos thing. Yeah, yeah. Right? It's like, I'll tell you in my time, I take a long fucking time. I'm a slow roller. That's what it is.

I like to make sure, I like to, you know, cross all my T's, dot all my I's, make sure everything's going the right way because I don't want it to fall apart, right? I'm one of those, I'm very protective. But now, I will tell you, since I've been here, walls are down, feeling good. We bought a house together.

You look tan also. You look thinner, tanner. I don't know if I'm tan. You're not tan? Well, it's summer. I think last time I came here in December. But you haven't been getting extra sun? No. Really?

You go to a tanning bed? I just go outside. Oh, it's your spray tan. Oh, okay. Yeah, I do spray tan quite a bit. Yeah, quite a bit. I just had one on the way over here. Okay, so that's what it is then. Yeah, it's your spray tan. Oh, okay. Yeah, I do spray tan quite a bit. Yeah, quite a bit. I just had one on the way over here. Okay, so that's what it is then. Yeah, I take Uber spray tan.

Yeah, every time. Where you can be in the back seat and they spray you down. Now I remember having conversations with you a while back where you're like, how come you're not spray tanning? I remember that now. Because I go, I spray tan, do you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, wait, don't put me on the spot like that. And I was like, what a fucking psycho. Yeah, yeah. Let's have some chicken taquitos relax. But you're feeling good, you, yeah. And I was like, wait, don't put me on the spot like that. And I was like, what a fucking psycho. Yeah. Let's have some chicken taquitos, relax. But you're feeling good, you're happy. I feel great, yeah. You have a good relationship.

Did you hear what he said? They bought a house together. I'm repeating it. Yeah, bought a house. My son got married. He's doing great. I thought he was going to live with me for the rest of his life.

Turns out he got this coding degree, has his own business, got married. My daughter's gonna be a junior in college. She's going to Costa Rica to study. I mean, it's like... Everything I've been waiting for is coming down. Wow. And now I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

You know how that goes. See, you guys are... This is how this usually... Tragedy! Oh, yeah, my life is too good. Something bad's gonna happen right now. Yeah, always. But then it does, and then I'm like oddly relieved. See, this is what I hear all the time. Tragedy, oh yeah, my life is too good. Something bad's gonna happen right now. Yeah, always, always. But then it does, and then I'm like, oddly relieved.

See, that she's like, see. This is the disaster I've been waiting for. Yeah. So when bad things do happen, people are always like, wow, you're surprisingly positive or resilient. I'm like, yeah, because I've been preparing for disaster. Because I thought it was gonna happen the whole time.

My daughter called me, she goes, hey, I got into this program, I'm going to Costa Rica. I was at the airport, I looked around, and I go, you guys might not want to get on this plane with me Did my fucking hit the ground at 300 miles per hour? Because this is how it works Yeah, but what you don't do that you're not a doomsday yeah, okay, can I tell you what you do instead sure Narrow emotional bandwidth. Oh, yeah, does that ring a bell? Yeah, but can I tell you what you do instead? Sure. Narrow emotional bandwidth.

Does that ring a bell? Yeah, sure it does. It means that he doesn't get too excited or too bummed ever. So that he can't get too excited or too bummed ever. It's always like somewhere. I've worked on it though. Yes, he's there, he has.

He has. And do you think, so here's what I think. I think as far as you're willing to go to one side, that is how far you have to go on the other. This is true. So if you're willing to go like, oh my God, what? We're getting chicken taquitos? This is fucking crazy.

Yeah, because people are like this, and people are like that. And then all of a sudden they don't have them, and you're like, well, get the fucking gun from the car. So car So I understand because you have to go in the exact amount. I think I did this also and everything is related to childhood It's just a development that you you know, it's related to the house and the environment you're in So like my sisters were very extreme very extreme sure and my dad was pretty non-reactive. So I just was like, I don't wanna be extreme. I don't wanna be as non-reactive as he is.

So you find this thing that feels like this works for you. I mean, the downside is, as you get older, you go like, oh, you should, you know. I mean, she's pointed it out to me, like you should get excited. So I tried to work on it. Hey, Tom, you spoke to Madison Square Garden. But the upside, the upside to it is that

I truly don't get too down about a lot of things. You know, about any bad news. Like I roll with a lot of stuff. That is nice. So I hate to keep bringing this up. My dad was a liquor salesman and he won tickets to the Metrodome when the Timberwolves came to town in Minnesota. And so they were playing the Bulls.

And this is back when Jordan was playing. I went to the first game. Yeah. Really? I went to the very first game. It was the Bulls at the Timberwolves. Wow. I was at that game.

That's interesting because, well then I was in the same building, but I'm gonna tell you where I was. So he won tickets courtside for being like the whatever, like the leading liquor rep. Yeah. And but I'm gonna tell you where I was. So he won tickets, court side, for being like the whatever, like the leading liquor rep. And so I'm telling everybody, I'm like, oh my God, this is gonna be amazing. Court side, like, you know,

fucking holding my parents' note up as I'm walking through the hallway. If you guys can't read court side, it's right there. And then my dad loses him gambling, and we get there, he doesn't tell anybody, and we're walking up the stairs, and we get there, he doesn't tell anybody, and we're walking up the stairs, and I go, this isn't the way to the court,

and we had to buy last minute tickets, and our back, so the metrodome had a roof, and our back was against where the roof started. So we just, we couldn't see what was going on. We'd only cheer when we heard the people lower cheering. It was like a blind guy getting excited. Did he tell you in this walk what happened to the court side?

Oh, no. Or there's no mention of that? No mention of that. We're just walking up. You're like, where's the court side? I'm kinda like looking around. And then I remember they said the row because he told my, she goes, where are we going?

And he said the row. And told my, she goes, where are we going? And he said the row and then the people that heard started laughing and I went, this isn't gonna be good. And my mom, the whole game, you could see her shoulders, just fuck, that's how hard she's breathing. She's so mad. From just huffing it up those stairs. No, from being so pissed that he lost courtside tickets. He's like, you fucking twat.

Yeah, I remember going to that because we had just moved. We moved there at the end of 88 to Minneapolis, going into 89. And I feel like this game would have been in like 89 or 90, something like that, right? Something. Probably 90. Yeah.

And so, yeah, I went to that game. Where were your seats? They were not courtside, and they were not at the very back. They were like decent. They were like decent. Could you see human beings running? Yeah, you could see basketball being played. Yes, that part was cool. Those had been really good.

That was pretty awesome. That was amazing. Yeah, I mean, those are like, I mean, that's burned into my head because it was the Bulls. Yeah, it was just like all of us idolized. Yeah. I mean, I used to walk with my tongue out because of Jordan. Just like, what are you doing?

I'm fucking concentrating on my dunk. You don't know. Yeah, same dude. I had a poster of Jordan in my room and tried to figure out, because I had told so many people I was going to be courtside, tried to figure out how to take a picture of the poster like it looked like it was a live action shot.

That's fucking awesome. Is it awesome or the saddest thing you've ever heard? No, it's kind of sweet. I think I did that with Michael Jackson's Thriller album. It's only sad because where you sat. You know what I mean? It would have been way cuter if you sat where you were supposed to sit.

I tried doing that with Thriller. Look, if I could take a picture of Michael, then I could be like, I have a photograph of Michael Jackson. Yeah. Damn it, the tiger was the giveaway. Nobody ever believes it. They're like, yeah, I have a photograph of Michael Jackson. Yeah Nobody ever believes it they're like, yeah, I have this poster plus why is this name underneath him? Yeah, I took this You're fucking horrible at taking pictures Yeah, you stupid. I believe I can take one now after I saw my film development. I mean, oh my gosh He's a really good photographer. Yeah. Oh my god. It's his new dad hobby, which I love cuz it doesn't

Anything dangerous like helicopter piloting, or for midlife crisis shit. He bought like an old timey camera from like 1852, and then he brings it on, no he brings it on the trips with us, and then he's going through security, he's real fun, because he's like, it's special, you can't expose the film in the X-ray machine. I was, the film is gonna be exposed. You know what I say?

Hand check. That's what you say. Hand check. And then somebody will come up, be like, what's going on? And be like, don't you fucking put this in the machine, stupid. And then they'll get someone marginally smarter over,

and be like, he's saying some stuff I don't get. And then that person will be like, oh, I understand. And then they'll take someone marginally smarter over, and be like, he's saying some stuff I don't get, and then that person will be like, oh, I understand, and then they'll take the camera. Yeah, and then you get the TSA guy that jacks off to Captain America before he goes to work, and he's like, oh, we're exposing the film, bitch. This is where they keep the drugs. Of course.

Yeah, always won. But he's very talented, and it's a talent, and I'm really happy that you're in that. So what I'm saying is if you take me to a Michael Jackson concert, which is difficult now,'m really happy that you're in. So what I'm saying is if you take me to a Michael Jackson concert Which is difficult now. I could get that poster What do you take pictures of You know, I do landscape stuff family

I mean, you know, you just try to find these either moments or or or settings that you just want now Is this what I've seen on your Instagram? No. OK. This is like a film. So I get it developed. And I don't know. It's just like, it's a fun thing to do. Well, if you ever want to put it on your Instagram, you can try to take a picture of the picture,

and I can show you how to do that. You can show me that? Yeah, I've been taking a picture of posters all my life. Really? Yeah. OK. Yeah. I'll enjoy that.

You know what was the hardest part for me, taking a picture of the album, was the light, because there'd always be a glare on the glossy album. The glare's the giveaway. How do I? Yeah. Yeah, so ridiculous. Did you guys ever get to see Prince growing up? I never saw him live.

So I actually- You actually lived in Minnesota the whole time. in the state, yeah, that celebrated him, his home. Yeah. Somebody asked me, if you could see any artist live, who would it be? I said Prince, and like a week later he died. Fuck. So that was also you.

Yeah. Did you blame yourself? You must have interactions with people that have Prince interactions, though, right? Like people from Minnesota. Yeah, so the Dave Chappelle sketch, where people go play hoops with him, I knew a guy, or no know a guy that did that.

So that was a common thing for him, right? Yeah. Because he really did love basketball. And he wanted good basketball players around, because he didn't want, you know, whatever. He played high school basketball. That was the story, right? I don't know if he did, but he is.

I've seen a photo of him in the uniform. Can you look up Michael Jackson, Prince playing? He was so little. He was a small man. But very athletic, because with the dancing and all that shit, he could do absolutely. He did the sprints shit. There you go, that one right there.

Oh, shit. I've seen that photo. Yeah, played high school basketball at Bryant Junior High. Oh, that's Junior High. And then Minneapolis Central High. Sadly, Central High School was closed down and demolished in 82. Shortly after, Prince played there

in the mid to late 70s. So he had a very successful basketball program for many years. He made the junior varsity team as a freshman. His former teammates spoke very highly of his abilities on the basketball court. Damn. Yeah, I mean, I guess, I mean, he definitely loved it.

Scroll down, one flaw. Oh yeah, he definitely loved it. Scroll down, one flaw. Oh yeah, he's five, two. That is a very, that's his flaw. But he had the court, right? At, what is it? At his place. What's it called? Paisley Park. Paisley Park, yeah.

Yeah. He, I do have a connection with him because my high school counselor started there when he went to school and then had him as like, they'd have to come in and check in, and so I had the same high school counselor as Prince. No way. She told both of us, you ain't gonna be shit.

Really? Yeah. Really, like that? Well, I mean, not like that, but she tried to get me to not give the, I gave the graduation speech, but I almost got kicked out of school for, I don't know, fucking with a teacher, and then she was like, I don't think we fucking with a teacher. And then she was like,

I don't think we should let him give the speech. And then she said, do you have any suggestions of who should do it? Well, my son could do it. And they were like, all right, fuck you, lady. We see what's going on here. Yeah, of course. My son's really good at this.

Yeah, what did your high school guidance counselor tell you? I mean, I still remember. So I like this guy. I fucking forget, he died. But this dude, I remember he had a 1600 SAT, because SAT was a thing at the time. It was a perfect score. And he was one of those guys who he was, he was very direct, which I liked. And he was like, I remember going in there. And, you know, they thought I was a good student early on. And then by junior year, they were like, you need to turn around a couple of these things.

And then by senior year, early senior year, you're meeting with the counselor at our school about what's your plan for applying and this and that. And I went in there and he was like... He goes, you don't have a lot of options, man. And I was like, yeah, you know, he's like, are you gonna play football? And I was like, I don't think so. I don't want to.

And he was like, yeah, that's probably something that would help you. He was like, so, and he doesn't know this, but when he left the room for like a call or something, he left on his desk, our class descending order of GPA. And I was second to last. No.

Do you think he did that on purpose? I don't think he did. I don't think he did. Cause that's a cool't think he did. I don't think he did. Because that's a cool move if he did. I know, I just was like. Let him see it for himself. That's so passive aggressive. Yeah, I love it.

I love your passive aggressive move. Yeah, and the only guy fucking lower than me was named Rocky. Perfect. That's the only guy. They're like, you're smarter than Rocky. So like. No one's ever met a smart Rocky. And he's the one, he's the only guy like they're like you're smarter than rocky Like no one's ever met a smart rock and he's the one he's the one so he was like where you gonna go and I remember like I was probably saying schools and he was like

Don't say that again And cuz I was saying like, you know famous school like schools, you know, and he was like, oh no I think we're gonna need you to start using the word community. Is there a community there? Yeah. And so then he was the one, he goes, I want you to go visit this school in North Carolina. I was like, oh, North Carolina, like Chapel Hill. He was like, no.

No. He's like, Lenore Rine. And I go, what's that? He was like, it's like a small liberal arts school, whatever, and I go, he was like, you should check it out. I think you should check it out. I'm like, okay. So I went on the trip there.

I think I went on that trip actually, might have been the only trip I did with my mom only. And then, yeah, I was like, I don't know, it's like a quaint small town. But I was like, this wasn't know. It's like a quaint small town. But I was like this wasn't my idea of college like my idea of college is like Auburn or you know, I mean like these big universities and I Don't know. I mean, I guess I probably could have applied somewhere like that, but I was like

No, I want to go in like this region. Anyway, I applied to, my first choice was Denver University. Oh wow. Because I loved Denver, I had been to Colorado. They were like, nah, that's not happening, dude. And then I found out that my best friend, he was like, where are you applying to school? I go Denver, he applies and he gets in. And my dad wrote them a letter behind my back being like will you reconsider

oh no they were like you know and that's the letter I saw stop applying like we already said no twice now and so I went to uh to Lenore Ryan which is like something I had never heard of hmm and they were like, yeah, you're not as dumb as everyone because there's a bunch of you here. Rocky goes here. Rocky goes here. When I was doing my college list, it was, what's going to be the least headache when I drop out?

And that was a community college in my hometown. So I was like, all right, this is going to be, my apartment shared a parking lot with the bowling alley And I never went to bowling class Wow, so it was It was did you graduate from college? No, I went two and a half years and don't have enough credits to be a sophomore What were you I know what were you taking in those two and a half years? I was just taking like I took a speech class But then I was giving an informative speech and you had to have two You had to cite two sources and one of them was just my teachers notes

So I thought that would be like the perfect source because she gave me the notes Yeah, and then as soon as I did that she put her pencil down and held up the grade and it just said F on it She had like the fuck you're not a source and she goes, you know what I meant. Well, this school sucks Yeah school sucks and it was said F on it. She had circled it. And I'm like, what the fuck? You're not a source? And she goes, you know what I meant. I'm like, well, this school sucks. Yeah, school sucks. And was it comedy right away? No, I bartended. I mean, I wanted to be a lawyer.

I thought it'd be fun to be a lawyer because I saw a few good men. And then I saw River runs through it. And I was like, guess I just want long hair. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. It is so sad that high school guidance counselors, they don't see your, they don't even know you. They don't know your whole picture. It's just like

the numbers on a fucking page. Like what's your GPA? What's your SAT? Oh, boom. Here's your future. And like, I remember they told me, and they're like for career day, they're like, you don't want to do a shadow day with like, and I was like, yeah, I want to like shadow a dentist or a doctor. And they're like, we got you a shadow day at the mall. You get to see how malls work. And just the kiosk. Yeah, not the whole mall. And I went it was Topanga Canyon Mall, like the manager showed us around. I'm like, dude, I've been coming here smoking

cigarettes for years. I know where the fuck this is. Yeah, I would have rather done that. Yeah. Because I lived in a small town where she did know me and still was like, this isn't gonna work. Because I'm friends with her son to this day. Oh. Really? I went to a Super Bowl party at his house when we were in high school and after I left,

after the game, I left, they were playing catch with a football and a lamp broke and she came home and they were like, well, Chad did it. I was the only one gone. So forever, she thought I broke this precious fucking lamp, and then they finally told her at his wedding, and she goes, well, I've hated you since that day. I'm like, all right, and she goes,

but that's awesome to know, and I go, well, you're not in my life anymore. So I wish you would have known before. I wish I had had the benefit of this when you were hating me more. But imagine if she had not had that bias bias and she could have been like, you know What your grades are good enough to get into like a Lenore Ryan or maybe I don't I would have mattered You were just not I had two teachers one in high school and one in college passed me

Just based on my social skills with them. Do you know I mean? Yeah, like they were like this is not happening Mm-hmm, and then I just would talk to them. I would figure out, you know, this guy liked boats. I'd be like, yeah, you see this boat? Fucking article. And then we'd just talk about that. And then he'd be like, I'm just gonna give you a passing grade.

He's just like, you're a nice kid. I like you. Yeah, I mean, I would have failed more if it wasn't for those two guys. Yeah, I dropped so many classes. I mean, I remember my first college student loan check. You were supposed to go right to the office and pay, and I just cashed it and bought a Randall Cunningham jersey

and Charles Barkley Nikes. I was like, I guess I'm in crisscross now. I don't know. I guess that's my destiny. Show you, high school guidance counselor. But you were so independent. You knew you could do that. I was so afraid of the rules, you know?

That's really cool. My dad showed me the way. Yeah. He knew how to do shit. Yeah. Are you aware that, I mean, Instagram and TikTok, they're wonderful places, and then people post wonderful videos.

And some of them are into sharing some of the Choices you should be making when grocery shopping when it comes to certain foods Do you know about this? So they'll be like this is what everyone's buying. So this is somebody who does that This brand has no oil natural flavors is fortified with synthetic vitamins instead Trimalt has three ingredients. It's just almonds water and sea salt Okay, so she does videos like that then the people write comments like uh They call her that goblin head big word. Mm-hmm and like

in Fashion this like they're they like they're pretty aggressive, right? It took me a while to get to the last word. I know someone who would hit that. Okay. So this person gets a lot of this. They call her Goblin Head. That's like the internet has labeled this person. And she keeps showing up. And keeps showing up.

Okay. Every day because that's how much she cares about spreading the correct information about food choices. Yeah, and I got to tell you something. I respect that. Yeah. Because you call me Goblin Head once. Yeah.

Peace. Peace out. I'm out. Okay, so. She looks like she's from an English village in the 1300s. That's so accurate. Now somebody created a separate account, took all of Goblin Head's videos, all of them, and re-uploads them like this.

Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! I don't keep a lotion. To every video, and guess what? Thousands of followers. Of course. I'm looking for lotion. To every video. And guess what?

Thousands of followers. Of course. Of just Goblin Head doing this. Okay. I'm looking for dairy for yogurt. Sounds like she's allergic to dairy. I know. And then there's also, there's Goblin Head and then there's also Baby Head goblin head and then there's also a baby head baby heads a whole other person

Reese's puffs Reese's puffs thrown out thrown out thrown out. It's got sugar corn syrup caramel coloring She's like don't eat this stuff and then all her is just calling her a baby And they just yeah her a baby. Someone lost their toddler. And they just, yeah. Look at this shit. It's like, and then you have people calling me going, you need to post more. No, I fucking don't. I know. I mean, bro, skip face day. Okay. Also back to this one. Yeah. That's 40,000 likes, bro. Yeah. That's wild. That's, that's incredible. Yeah, that's 40,000 likes bro. Yeah. It's wild. Yeah, that's incredible. Yeah.

Read it Tom people. It's happening so fast. I can't read it. So yeah, it's it is pretty exciting though that that that there's people. It's cool. I mean, and then people go, Can you believe there's suicide? And It's cool. I mean, and then people go, can you believe there's suicide? And it's like, I sure fucking can. Yeah. Yeah. That's so insane.

These are other ones. This has nothing to do with those. These are just like, is this horrible or hilarious? Oh no. Oh! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait Yeah, I fucking told you dude! You're gonna freak out. That's why I'm on the ground, bitch! Yeah, that's fucking terrible. Good lord.

Yeah, you hear that snap. It's pretty gnarly. Um... Oh shit! This is the ball! Oh my god. This is the skate. Oh, fuck. Fuck, dude. Why do people still fuck with bulls?

Why do people wear red to a fucking rodeo? She's the one. She's the one who gets, yeah, smashed. The lady in red. I know. It's like, no one told you? I know women go, how do you think I look? It's like, where are you going?

The rodeo. Take that fucking shirt off. Dum dum. So that bull- And you're gonna stand next to the red tarp? Get the fuck out of here with this. It escaped crazy and you're going to stand next to the red tarp. Get the fuck out of here. It escaped the Sisters Rodeo in Oregon. All these people were injured, but none of them died.

That was terrible. And isn't it like when it escapes isn't it something about the song playing about freedom? I think it is. Yeah. I think the song going over. Yeah, I think the song going over the speakers is something about freedom. The bulls like I could it is. Yeah. What? Oh, the original footage? I think the song going over, yeah. I think the song going over the speakers is something about freedom. The ball's like, I could do that.

Yeah, look at this shit. Yeah, that's true. You're right. You know those guys that used to have the sticks and they held two sticks and they'd flip it around? That's what that looked like. By the way, I just noticed this on my tenth time watching this. When this lady lands, there's somebody running this way,

and you're like, oh, he's going to check on her. And he runs right past her. Dude. Did you play it again? Yeah, like, did you see that guy? He's like, fuck no. He goes right past her. I need to go check on my red pickup truck.

Yeah, he doesn't give a fuck. Oh my God. Have you seen the lady that thinks she's pushing the screen door, but it breaks and she falls through it and falls off her stoop? No. God damn. I probably watched it over 250 times in a row. This was... I don't know if she's trying to do an RDL or what, but she... Let me see. Let me see.

I think she's trying to grab something out of the tea. She is. It's amazing. She's like, I'll just... She's just trying to grab like... Everything gave out there. A face mask out of the cupboard. This is almost the...

Her foot slips out of her crock. It's wet. It's sweat. It's sweaty. This is a footwear issue. Oh yeah, that's the only thing here. That's the only issue is the footwear. That's what starts to the initial.

Oh, is this what you're talking about? Yes. Oh God, I love this. He broke out my window. Which one? She just takes a header into the bushes. It's so great. You need to go. OK, Valerie.

No. Are you able to get up on your own? OK. Do you want to get up on me, please? I will. Just so I know you're OK. I'm OK. I know, but I don't feel comfortable with you laying on the ground. I want to be. I will. Just so I know you're okay. I'm okay. I know but I don't feel comfortable with you laying on the ground like that. I don't want to be on. I want to be on. I'm not 30. Okay, show me that you can stand up. I will. Valerie. Valerie, can you just go inside please? Fucking Valerie.

So we can... I've never even seen this. I've only seen the header. This is great. I don't need nobody. You just fell through a door. Normal people don't fall through doors. That's the first time I've seen that in my entire 24-year career.

Say it again. Again, again. Yeah, I can't even say it again. Broke out my window. What's wrong? That's the first time I've seen that in my entire 24 year career. Say it again, again, again. I can't even say it again. Which one? The screen is trying to save her life and it just can't.

Oh god. Faceplant. So good. She can't even catch, like you know you've done it and your reflexes are quick enough to, oh, that's not right. She couldn't even get it. Oh, Valerie. It's her first day out of jail too. She's gonna go right back in.

This is great here, to this last one I have for you. This is a mom race. On the mark, get set, go! Woo! Oh, face. Just all face. You know what's great about this? Dads where they just kept running. Yeah!

She's fucked up, man. She's fucked up. They're like, let's finish. Her ankle's broken. Let's try it. On the gym floor. I mean, let's see. That bitch is running barefoot.

Two bitches are barefoot. Yeah. That was, I mean, her face ate part of the call. She has no teeth. I see. That bitch is running barefoot. Two bitches are barefoot. Yeah, that was I mean, her faced eight part. Her kid's going to file for emancipation immediately. Like, I don't want her to be my fucking mom. It's right here. They're like, oh shit.

That's fucking terrible. I got a little bit of hands down, but then hands don't... Yeah, that's bouncing off of her face right there. No way. She broke teeth. Yeah. She doesn't look like she has worm upper strength, upper body strength.

That was awesome. Guy that made me happy. Oh, it's so great. Yeah. I like Valerie the most though. I wanna watch Valerie over and over again too. It's like she almost gets it when the screen holds her and then lights out.

Wondering if you're, are you interested at all going to a men's retreat? Or like you can really, you know, like kind of be around other men and and kind of share Emotion be vulnerable No If you just got to like Like city slickers ride horses. Yeah, go do that kind of stuff

I think i'd like to do that a little bit. I think I could convince you But if I have to go back and I have to sit around a campfire and be like, well, you guys, this is why I feel this way. I'm in tune with my emotions. I go to therapy. I do all that shit. But I'm just saying, I don't need any more friends. Yeah.

That's all. No. This is what I'm talking about doing. I love that. I wish you guys would do this shit. I do that when Kelsey goes to work. I just scream in my own home. Is that our double soul shaman? Guys, I don't know why you're making fun of these bros. home. Is that our double soul shaman?

Guys, I don't know why you're making fun of these bros. Like they're emotionally connected. They're just having a good time. Let it out. Be free. I feel like I am free. I feel like I've done the work. I don't feel like I need to go there and rub a guy's shoulder while he cries.

That's just, that's just not, like I'm saying, I've done, I've done the stuff. I'm doing rub a guy's shoulder while he cries. That's just not, like I'm saying, I've done the stuff. I'm doing the stuff. I just don't need to be a group effort. Okay, thank you. Thank you for, thank you for accept, listen to what I learned in therapy. Thank you for accepting my answer.

Yeah. I mean, it's not the answer we wanted, but we accept. You want me to go to that thing? I'd love for you to go to that thing. I don't shower with my shirt off. You think I'm gonna take that fucking picture? No, thank you. You want me to go to that thing? I'd love for you to go to that. I don't shower with my shirt off You think I'm gonna take that fucking picture? No, thank you

Yes Do you see the collateral damage another one just fell out He pulled one. The other one was like, I'll go with you. That's like when Kelsey goes, can I get this beard hair? And then she just takes a fucking fistful. That's a lot of hair. Yeah.

Yeah. This one falls right out after it. Yeah. There's that one. There it goes. Right next to it. Kind of just. Yeah, there's that one. There it goes right next to it. Yeah, kind of just. Wow, that's so cool. Oh, yeah, baby.

Also, there's other ones that are gone. So he's been doing this awhile. There's a bunch of missing ones. It's pretty cool. Hey, we should get Dale drunk again and watch it. Give him a pliers. Yeah, see if he's drunk again and give him pliers. Yeah. See what's left.

He's got his camo shorts on. You know today is going to be the day. But wouldn't you, I kind of would want to be friends with Dale. I would want to see this live just once. Here's the thing. You always go to Dale's place. Yeah, you don't want to know.

You invite Dale over. Right. That's a big, big difference. Yep. You never want him to know where you live't invite Dale over. Right. That's a big, big difference. Yep. You never want him to know where you live. No, no. Dale, where you at? You're like, where are you at?

Because I'll meet you there. Yeah. Yeah. He would be fun to have around, though, when you're all drinking and you're like, hey, Dale, pull out one of your teeth. And he does it. That'd be super fun.

Yeah. Hey, Dale, go try to steal that cop's gun. Yeah. That kind of shit. He's the guy to do it, yeah. Yeah. Bring kind of shit. Bring your knee brace. And you get all sad.

You get all sad today. Dale's all out of teeth. He's like, I did it 20 times for you all. And then you go, I'll pay for new fake ones and you can pull each of those out. That's the day I shake his hand. I just go, this has been great, Dale. But we're, I'm out. I was here for the teeth. You don't want to see me do my nails?

And he's like, oh, fuck. Just starts yelling, I'll tell you where they are. Ah! Oh, my god. So Empty Nestor, where did it shoot? I shot it at the Fitzgerald Theater in St. Paul, Minnesota. Oh, that's great, right?

Yeah, I wanted to do it in the capital of my home state where Paul, Minnesota. Oh, that's great, right? Yeah, I wanted to do it in the capital of my home state where I lived. And yeah, it was really fun. And it's also the people that bought that place own First Ave, which is Prince's thing. And I just kind of want to have a purple background. I did want to give a little shout out to the guy.

To the guy, yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. And so when you do your September 13th show, are you gonna start in clubs or you go right back to theater? Clubs. Yeah. Oh yeah. That's what I always do.

I mean, I do clubs. So this was like, there's a dozen cities I do theaters in, but otherwise when I'm out in the main America, I'm in clubs. Yeah, well, I mean, I do it like, special comes out, I actually try to start in the smallest club I can find. You know, like make it like a really slow build. Right.

I think, I don't know. Yeah, I think I'm gonna, I don't do a ton of open mics, I've always, because I live so far away from a major city, I've always just put the new stuff in the middle of the hour. But I think I'm gonna actually try to do open mics and stuff like that. No shit. Yeah, because I just want to make sure it's not

the first first time. Where's the house that you said you bought a house? In Minneapolis. So you're in the city now? Yeah, so I can actually. You can go over to Acme? Yep. Go to Acme.

Go to all of it. Sisyphus, everywhere. Nice. Comedy Corner Underground. They all have some real good things. Do you keep up with Lewis? Absolutely. Yeah, he just had surgery.

He did? Yeah, but he's on the mend. Everything's fine, but it's been a little bit of a long, I don't know if I should. Oh, then okay. I'm going to call him after this. Okay, cool. My Mandarin's fucking terrible, but I'll see if he can get through it. I did, we did like, I can't remember, it's like 30th anniversary or something.

Yeah. And I gave this really heartfelt speech about how he, um, Louis grew up across a Bay of Hong Kong from Hong Kong. And this speech about how he's been kind of like my comedy dad. And even when I have kids, we have kids similar at six months on, on both of them

difference. And so I was like, and you know, I asked him for help on that. And I go, uh, he wrote me this amazing letter and I pulled. And so I was like, and you know, I asked him for help on that. And I go, he wrote me this amazing letter. And I pulled it out and it was just like, Bing-fow! I mean, it was like the most ridiculous thing. And you know, some people were mad at me, but it's like, well, I'm like, this is like one of my best friends on planet Earth.

So he and I get to do this, whether or not how you're mad at me, because I don't know all Chinese people, but I know him and this is just for him. Yeah, of course. That's amazing. No, I linked up with him in Hong Kong this year. We were in Hong Kong together this year.

Oh, nice. He was, for people that don't know, Louis Lee is the owner of Act Me Comedy Club. And if you check out, I think it's on Amazon Prime, there's a documentary called I Need You to Kill, which features Chad and myself and Pete Lee and Louis Lee. And it was organized by Louis Lee. He took us on this tour of Asia in 2014. And J. Elvis Weinstein directed it. But anyway, so I've been working at ACME a long time. You've obviously been a long time Minnesota resident.

And yeah, Louis, I mean, I talk about Louis all the time when I talk about great club owners and people who do it right. And he's just a wonderful guy. But yeah, I mean, I've had so many fun interactions like that. Like when he, when they told me I was working during a blizzard one time, I was like, what the fuck, man? And they made me go, yeah.

Oh, look at those young boys. Look at Pork Chop over there on the right. But there's, can you guess which one Louis Lee is? Yeah. But there's a Pete Lee there too, so don't let it confuse you. That's right. There is a Pete Lee there. Now everybody knows Pete. Yeah, but Pete in his 49 tonight show appearances.

Oh my, it was like every week. Like, oh, this must be still in my feed from last week. Nope, new one. New one. So Louis, when we got there, just to let you know he gives it back, he goes, we're not even doing a documentary. The reason I brought you guys over here

is because I wanted to be able to tell you apart for the first time. I can't do it in America. There's too many white people around. That's great. Yeah. When I was on the phone in the lobby of the hotel, he just comes up behind my ear and he goes,

hello. Yeah, he's classic. Yeah, yeah. But I got to endlessly mock him for making me work because I was like, oh, there's gotta be no show tonight. This was like during a legit blizzard in Minnesota and I don't know what year, right? This is like, I don't know, fucking eight years, 10 years ago or whatever. And they were like no you're doing it

So I had to hike through the snow like literally knee-high snow from that hotel They put you at and I got there and I'm like who's fucking here and they're like like seven people and I'm like and we're Doing a show for them. Yes, of course it ends up being one of the most fun shows, right? Yes people that came out in a blizzard Yeah And so but I would go like the next time I worked the club, when it was full, like on a regular night, I was like, yeah, fucking, you know,

maybe come here in a blizzard and the owner's like, you work for me, you come down, you do show now. And I'm like, and he's in the room. Yeah, oh, of course. And you can see him like hitting the table and laughing. But like, yeah, I mean, it is for him. Yeah, I don't ever do it behind his back. No, I do that too, but in his face. Yeah, in his face is the best. Yeah, but yeah, I mean I got to

go out to eat with him in Hong Kong again. It was so fun. That's fantastic. Yeah, love the guy. He's the best. He really is. For, okay, you want to introduce them? This is my TikTok section. You remember from last time, so the underrepresented marginalist communities. I heard you bitches are looking for me. Oh, yeah! We're here, we're here. Woo! Bitch, here I go.

Here you go. This guy? This is awesome, we just played this game. Yeah, so you and I are having what? Synergy. Synergy. Don't you feel feel like because I was trying to get clarity on this you show this to Kelsey She's gonna be like it's fucking hot like and that's why I'd never show it to her. Yeah. Yeah, I'd rather go sit on this guy's face myself She sees this fucking now I'm selling a house. Yeah. Hi my name is Ezra. Hi my name is Yerby. My name is Alicia. And I'm Jeff. We are here from the

United States of America. We chose to come here to Afghanistan in May of 2024 and we found Let's Go Afghanistan Online and it has been a great tour. We crossed the border in Tajikistan, came down to the CIS, spent a couple of days in Bamiyan, now a couple of days here in Kabul, and then we will exit through the Pakistan border. Have you heard of fucking London? Mexico! Watch the kids fucking shifty eyes looking around like, okay, who's gonna grab me? That's crazy. I would go as to make the, I'm almost certain assumption

that all this is done for these types of videos. The parents were like, you know what would be a real fucking highly liked post is if we took the kids to Afghanistan. I think this is all done just for social media clout. I thought your name was the government or whatever they call that in Afghanistan. I think these is all done just for social media. Oh, I thought you meant it was the government or whatever They call that in Afghanistan. I think these two are like what's what's gonna get us a lot of it's a Taliban promoting Taliban I don't think those they run vacationers Don't they run Afghanistan? Yeah, he's running Afghanistan the

Promotional stuff is a lot of machetes Some of the fun things we did Their promotional stuff is a lot of machetes. Well they're trying to get families there? Some of the fun things we did. What did you do that was fun? We did it all as a family, obviously. Maybe you can tell us, what was your favorite thing? The chickpea soup. Tell them again.

The chickpea soup. And what was your favorite thing? I loved the archaeological sites, like the Red City. That's very cool. I think we all enjoyed all of that. We enjoyed the food, we enjoyed the culture. We enjoyed the history, the archeology. We enjoyed meeting people. That was probably the best part of the whole trip. And we would encourage you to come to Afghanistan too

with Let's Go Afghanistan. Let's go. Let's go Afghanistan. See you there, dude. Yeah. I'll see you there. I love how he says to his daughter, hey, say it again and read the cue card better.

Yeah. You dumb bitch. Yeah, do it. Do it better. Little girl covered the hair, right? and read the cue card better. Yeah. You dumb bitch. Yeah, do it. Do it better. Little girl covered the hair, right? Because she's old enough, if you're old enough to bleed, you're old enough to bleed. Oh, Jesus Christ.

They don't cover girls until they're considered of age to be sexually, or to be viable, right? I don't think they cover little girls up, is what I'm saying. I don't know. In Muslim countries, unless it's... I mean, then... They take this up, is what I'm saying. I don't know. In Muslim countries, unless it's. I mean, then. But take this part out if I'm completely wrong. But also, if they do that, then it's advertising readiness. Yeah.

Yes. I don't care for that. I think that her wearing, even the head covering, I want to say. Oh, god. OK, never mind. I'm wrong. OK.

Girls start wearing hijabs six or seven to get used to it as part of their daily Jesus Never mind cut this out. I don't want people to be like stupid bitch You fucking know anything about Islam you stupid. Oh, I don't Is that what people say to you? Oh my dumb bitch uneducated American twat You little dumb bitch. Uneducated American twat.

Pfft. I do. I really do. It's cool. That's a lot of my messages too, though. Oh, my God. I send her that stuff too. I went to Canada, and an emcee did that to me.

He goes, I said they had a queen, and he came up after the show. And after I left stage, he goes, stupid fucking American thinks we have a queen. And I was like, oh shit. And then I went to the public library, read the treaty. They do have a queen. So when he came up the next night, I licked a $20 bill and stuck it to his forehead and I said, she's on your money.

Ugh. What a pile of shit. People get so crazy. That was your emcee? Yeah. Jesus Christ. I know. Can't help it.

They're commonwealth, right? Like it's a territory. I didn't read that far into the- Territorial. The treaty, but there's a Queens Highway there and everything. So it's like, I assumed they had one. Yes. All right.

It doesn't really matter if it was a good idea or a bad idea. At the end of the day, I take pride in it. It looks tight. Work on it, do touch ups. It's a work in progress. It looks good. I still keep going on.

I ain't gave up. I ain't gave up. I ain't gave up. For those people just listening, he hasn't given up on his completely blackface tattoo. He blacked out his face and I see a star on his neck. And it looks incredibly authentic. Like if you're listening right now, you're basically, imagine your average Senegalese citizen. This guy looks just like it.

He looks very authentically black. Doesn't look like a white guy that fell into an ink tub. He looks like a black man. It looks like, to me, it looks a little blue. So to me, I'm seeing Gargamel trying to pretend to be a Smurf. That's amazing. And I gave up.

I gave up. Hey, hey, I gave up. That's a fucking name for a. And I gave up. I am gay. Hey, hey, I gave up. That's a fucking name for a special. I gave up. Everybody's like, I can't wait to watch the new cat Williams. Chad Daniels. I gave up. What? Oh shit.

No, you're nominated as favorite bottom of the year. What do you think makes you such a good bottom? I think first off you have to like actually enjoy it. Because I know some bottoms are like I just do it for the money. But for me, you know, it's an actual passion of mine. And determination to like I can take both of these people at the same time. So it's more like could you have the drive and the love to put in your... So what's the biggest one you ever took?

Honestly it was like 12 Sore tired the next day 12 inches. Yeah, well how many minutes do you think like 10 5? No, it was like a four-hour shoot Honestly, and also I mean that guy's almost skipping over the part where he goes, I could take both of these at the same time. So one of them was 12. You know what I mean? Yeah. He's doing doubles all the time.

And I think what went into him getting bottom of the year is that he can wear low-cut waistband on his jeans and not show his diaper. Yes. I think that's... like, when you can hide your diaper, that goes into it too. Because some people don't know this, there's definitely no consequences to just getting bottomed out all the time.

Yeah. For four hours of the 12-inch. Four-hour shoots with 12-inch cocks will not do anything to your anus. And he's little. He's maybe 120 pounds. He's who I would fuck if I were gay. Somebody small.

That guy's, when he has to shit, he shits and it hits the ground like that guy parachuting on the ground. Maybe 120 pounds. He's who I would fuck if I were gay. Somebody small. That guy's... when he has to shit, he shits and it hits the ground like that guy parachuting that broke his leg. You can hear it break its own leg. Yeah. Also, when you get what he gets on a regular basis, I mean, do you think, like, any normal-sized guy

even feels getting in there? No, he's stretched right out of his nose. I think the anus is resilient. Pretty resilient. Yeah. But it can also. Oh man. I don't think that, I don't think your butthole would ever loosen up to the point where you're like,

are you in? You don't think so? I don't. Hmm. Google it. I'm curious, because I will say. Google it and use your account. Chad, yeah, Chad, because, Yana, I love, you know, devil's advocate here. The vagina is a muscle that is meant to expand

and then contract. However, the anus, I'm not so sure it's built the same way. Well, it's not built for it. Well, I shit every morning and it always goes back to normal. It goes back, but I'm saying if you were to push something in, that's coming out. Oh. Push it in and you're fighting the musculature and you're breaking things.

Okay. I don't know. I'm not a doctor. But I do know that some of these guys have to wear diapers. That's true. Severe anal stretching can permanently damage the external anal sphincter muscles. The length of the external anal sphincter can affect muscle strength.

And repeated stretching, irritation, and spasms can lead to chronic conditions. Now, they're just being homophobic. Yeah. That's homophobic. This is propaganda. So it's like an old tube just being homophobic. Yeah. That's homophobic. This is propaganda. Yeah. So it's like an old tube sock on an old man. Yeah.

Just down by his ankles. Just down there, yeah. Now, hold on. Anyway, are you even gonna congratulate him on the number? No, he's adorable. By the way, whoever this guy is, he's adorable. I'm a huge, I've not seen your work, but adorable. Now, can you, Google, can a vag get so stretched out

from repeated, no, it's not possible to permanently stretch out a vagina because it's elastic and can return to its original shape after stretching. I don't know about this. Stop. But I- Stop, dickhead. Maybe not like, maybe it doesn't.

You're such a, I've had two babies. But I I Maybe not like maybe it Forgot who we were talking to here, this is a Two kids it feels like it does Ow stop Bird I don't think it stays at kid level right now. You have to get to 10 centimeters But then I don't maybe it also doesn't go back to like first It doesn't go back to no, it doesn't go back to what it what it's blown out a little but it's not blown out You know what? I mean? Like it looks like the flower has blue Sure. Yeah feels like the 12 inch guy was here a moment ago. What's going on?

Definitely I spray it like this There but there is no such thing as too much. I do this not out of the shower, only on dry hair. I go through my scalp and I kind of massage my scalp. Nobody thinks about the scalp as skin, but it's skin. Scalp health is the first thing to be considered with regards to the health of the whole hair from the root all the way to the tip. The rice powder will absorb the excess moisture.

And then sometimes what I do is I just use it because I need it a little body and then it just kind of lifts, gives me a little root, root lift. What are you doing? Why is this here? I just feel like it's so gross That's I feel like Brooke Shields is gross And I don't want to see her like we all know how to use dry shampoo like I don't need to see us Model of the path like I I know I don't need to see you like itching and that sound and it's oily and greasy It just feels gross. Yeah, I don't need to watch anyone

showing me how to do anything. Let's figure it out. I can read the fucking directions. Well, she probably got paid a... I don't know, did she? I would think so. Yeah, for her to promote this. She either has an equity share in it or she's...

Oh, man, you stupid bitch. I fucking know that. Uh-oh, get ready for the comments. I didn't fucking dumb American... Oh! Don't you fucking know that. Uh oh, get ready for the comments. I just fucking dumb American. Ugh. Don't you fucking know anything? Oh. No way.

Jesus fucking shit. Ah! Ah! I don't know what happened there. That was great from the beginning to end. You redeemed yourself in the Brook one. That was awesome. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. Ah. Don't be sad. Should I be no what? Jesus! I'm looking sh**! She whiskey throttled it, you know? Wait!

And then she panicked. Yeah. That's like me in a rental car in a brand I've never rented before. Like, how the f** fuck do I do anything? Well, she should have just, like, looked. You have to look back. That's, like, role number one in driving, right?

Look behind you. I don't know how much flexibility people in those have. Yeah. I think you gotta use the mirrors. It wasn't even about what's behind her. It's that she hit what she... She was going, and then she hit it too hard, and then, and instead of, like, doing what she thought was a break, she gave it more hard. And then, and instead of like doing what she thought

was a break, she gave it more gas. She throttled it more. So she went really fast there. We've all done it. I've done this. I've done it. Get out of my way. Oh, Jesus.

It's a pretty decent parallel parking. Yeah, it's not bad. Equal spaces on both sides. Really good. My husband and I go to Disney World every single day. And the number one question we get asked is, don't you get bored? The short answer is no.

Every day is completely different. We don't rope drop Magic Kingdom every day just to ride Seven Dwarfs Mine Train. As locals, we have the opportunity to really switch it up. Some evenings after my husband, gets off work we eat around Epcot. We'll head up Guardians and then we'll take a short walk over to the Boardwalk Resort for a little dancing before we head home. Other nights we'll head over to the Polynesian for a drink and then we hop on the boat and we'll just keep

cruising around to different resorts making stops grabbing drinks and watching the sunset. But our favorite date night is a short walk from Magic Kingdom over to the Contemporary. We'll have dinner at Steakhouse 71 Lounge, then we'll take our Jack Daniel infused chocolate cake and our curious cold brew to go. We'll head up to the 4th floor and sit and watch the monorail go by while we bask in the AC. If we're feeling a little extra, we'll stay and watch the fireworks, or we'll head to the arcade and play some video games. We are living proof that you can grab hold of your dreams and reach out and find you're happily ever after. This is the gayest shit I've ever seen, like on so many levels. Like

first of all, the fact that you spend every fucking day, you go every day no matter if it's the beginning of the day or the middle of the day you use your day is centered around Disney and then you're gonna tie that to your were proof that your dreams come true The fuck were your dreams to be a member at a party that was your dream. I'm so fucking mad right now It's infuriating $200 a a week for therapy since I got divorced. It was the first time I felt hatred in a very long time. I can't fucking believe this. Like, what are you doing?

I hope they go to Disneyland Afghanistan and get took. Well, it's about, let's go Afghanistan. Don't you guys want to check that out? Please check it out. And also all of their activities are alcohol or food related And then we got a drink here and then we get the coffee drink to go like ew and then we get the Jack Daniels infused cake like Then we get more stuff and then we consume more until our fat ass is

But our most favorite date is sitting and looking at a monorail And then the AC cools us off. Free AC. Well, maybe you could afford an AC if you didn't go to Epcot. Yeah, you have AC at home. I don't know. And then the dumb husband playing that game.

Did you see it? Yeah. That's what I do. At first I was like, did they not work? And then she's like, like no he gets off of work And then we we go this makes my pussy so dry like to see it mine, too What a fucking child The firework head to the arcade and play some video games by the way, that's like what a toddler does

Yeah, hey go play that game. I'll pretend. I'm just like, I. Just furious. Here's what scares me. Furious. My daughter goes to school in Southern California, so I could go to Disney.

Yeah. And I could see them. And I can make no promises. Yeah. What the fuck are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? For real. What the fuck are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? A bear, a bear.

It's a bear on a guy's shoulder for people listening. Yes, my good one. It's so fucking big. It's so big. It's another Russian guy with a bear. It's so dirty. Another Russian guy with a bear. They're just fucking... Ahhhh! Don't take one of the treats yourself, you dumb dick! You realize that

all a bear like that has to do is misunderstand your movement. Like just be like, oh, well, the bear thought you were reaching to pull its ear. So what it does and when it senses that is it just tries to disembowel you. And you're like, oh, well, just too bad it thought that. I'm going to puke. You know the truth. Oh my God. as a disembowel you and you're like, oh, well, I just, too bad it thought that. Yeah. I'm gonna puke. You know the. Ah!

Oh my God. This is a good way. This is a good way. I wanna send this bear to Epcot. Yeah. What happened with it? To eat all the Disney adults. The bear thought you were infringing on its territory.

So it just doesn't know what to do at that point. Just eats whatever's in front of it. If you throw a treat in that guy's mouth and the bear's like, that's my treat. That's my treat. And he just eats your face to get to the treat. It's like the juice in a gusher. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, and you're like, why did this bear kill this guy? Because he wanted the treat in his mouth. So he ate his face. I mean, I've been on TikTok. It's too dark to play on the show, but like dog maulings, like people that were like, I just put my face down next to this dog.

And normally it's a happy pit bull. And today it just bit my nose and face off. And I've been in reconstructive surgery. And you're like, that's a domesticated dog that can snap on you. Yeah, scary. Fucked up. It seems like he's in the woods.

This one's just kind of a throwback. I know we got a pretty good Tony Johns update last episode, but never forget that's just him licking the air and showing us how he does it. Why gotta DUI, baby? That's him. Yeah, but he's doing better now. He's not drinking anymore.

He's not doing drugs, you know? Drugs are, you know. Don't do it, it's bad. He's done with it, so. We're excited for him. I really wish you guys would make these licking the air videos. We can, there's nothing stopping us.

And we've seen too that we're hot as fuck. I don't see why we're hot as fuck. Yeah. I don't see why we don't make a couple more, you know? I'm into it. You into it? Please. You're staying overnight, I'm guessing, right? Yeah. Do one from your room tonight, do it at a hotel post.

Deal. Be like to your agents, am I posting enough now? Yeah. Yeah. And then do that. And they're like, what the fuck is this? They'll stop asking. What do you mean what is this?

Reach between your legs, That's what this is. You're soaking wet. This is how I lick puss. Excuse me, you're in front of the TV. Could you just scooch a little bit? Thank you. Um, Empty Nestor is out now. It's, uh, Chad Daniels' tenth recorded hour.

It's your first Netflix special. Yep. And, um, you're one of the best comedians in the world. So it's awesome that you're doing this. Well, thanks a lot. ChadDaniels.com for tickets. You're back at it September 13th. You're going to sit in a lake.

And you're pretty happy about that, aren't you? I am very happy about it. I'm having... Yes. I wish I could make my eyes spin. Yes. Yeah, man, life is good. That's awesome. That's right. Just wait for could make my eyes spin. Yes. Yeah, man, life is good. That's awesome.

That's right. Just wait for the other shoe to drop. Other shoe's gonna drop soon. Oh, I know. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I know. Drowning accident in northern Minnesota. Play that on here, would you?

When it comes out? Yeah. The new story about it, we're like, we know this guy. Yeah. Who's fucking with a bear, what a dick. I love it. Anyway, thank you for stopping in, man.

Thanks for having me. We love you. Both of you guys. Bye, guys. Recently, when I became deathly ill, I used this remote control to contact my ghost. pain. Pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain You just watched your mom's house. Did you like it? Then watch another one. Watch our clips.

I don't know. Check it out. Try it out. If you didn't like it, look for other stuff. Maybe in the next video there's people getting hurt the way you, or maybe gay dudes talking about dick stuff. I don't know, try it out. Maybe there's always something for everybody. Just look in these cubes, squares, whatever.