Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Sarah Tiana-Episode 92-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

Oh lovers of love and those who desire to be loved more, we think this is the episode for you. Dear friend, hilarious comedian and writer and LADY WHO WANTS YOUR TO TREAT HER LIKE ONE, Sarah Tiana, joins us in the mommy dome with advice that is so good we might just transcribe this episode and sell it as a book! Tiana is a natural fit in the dome because she is one of us - an old friend who just came to kick it. There's a lot of laughs, good times, and excellent insight from romance guru, Tiana on how to get a girl like her. Also, she will blow you (multiple times) if she likes you. Now are you ready to listen? Unbuckle your jeans and get ready to be her.

Thank you. You got nice cans. You got a nice box. You know how much many times people you Google Sarah Tiana boobs? Why? A lot. Really? Oh, because you can tell if you type in, if you type in. Yeah, then it comes up. Boobs. Yeah. So rad. My my I think it's the second thing under my name is Thomas a girl wife. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, that's because women are interested. And then, you know, if you just type in the word is the first thing that comes up is is Daniel's hush gay. That's if you just type in the word that sucks type. You'll see. We'll look it up. So it's New Year. Happy New Year. Oh, have we started already?

Yeah. Happy New Year. I've been writing stuff down. I didn't even know. Hey, this is a really loose podcast. Why don't you just have fun with it? Nappy Jew here. Everybody's calling me loose. It's 2013 and we're still here that the mind apocalypse

didn't happen. We're still in 2012, but this is now 2013 when people are hearing this. Right. That's what I'm saying. So we've survived the apocalypse or voices. We don't even our voices have survived. Yeah.

Hopefully so happy to say Happy New Year to you. Really? Did you guys pack anything in your Mayan explosion box? What would you have taken? Suppositories. Suppositories. We have taken. That's a really good question.

Just for the for the apocalypse, like to hide out alcohol, a lot of that, a lot of water because you can live off of that booze and alcohol, P90X, water, P90X, Rubik's Cubes, got some perfect pushups, string cheese for sure. And string cheese. Dairy because that's not comfortable pair of shoes. Uh huh. Sensible.

I'm a big fan of flats or flat shoe advocate. Don't bring your heels to the apocalypse. Olivia Newton, Long John's. Long John. Yes. James Brown. Uh huh. That's what I'll bring.

Well, look, where, where, let's get this thing going. Where, where are you this week? Right now, as I'm time traveling, I'm at the San Jose improv in San Jose, California, January 3rd through 6th. And then next week I'll be in Kansas City. Look at Kansas City improv, January 10th through 13th. And then you guys, comics at Fox Woods is called comics, C-O-M-I-X.

Yes. You got to have fun with names. No, no, here's the thing. I don't have to say the full name now. I'm contractually obligated to say comics at Fox Woods, comedy club and bar. Jesus. January 31st through February 2nd in Mash and Tucket, Connecticut.

Mash and Tucket. Is that how you say that? Uh, probably not. Mash and Tukai. I'm not going to make any Connecticut jokes right now. Oh, right. Oh, Mash and Tucket. Well, good luck with that.

This is like shenactity. Bless you. I got a, I got a million tweets. It's Schenactity and Dumbrod. So, all right. Twitter. Well, I am in route right now through the air to Chicago for the Chicago improv, January 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th.

So come out and see me in Schomburg. Schomburg. It's a great place. Yeah. What's your favorite part about Schomburg? My favorite part. Um, there's a white castle like two, two miles away. That's good.

And usually the security guys will drive you out there. Okay. It's great. And that, and the hotel they put you up in is rad. Super nice. I like that. And have you ever had the Asiago chicken entree at the restaurant? This is the eighth plug she's got.

I was going to say, it's so good. It's all about, like whenever Puszczicki and I, she's like, have you had the steak at the Fairmont in San Jose? And I'm like, why are you just grabbing comedy clubs by the food in the restaurant? That's my life. I got no life. I was just in Missouri and like there was a Bennington's and I

was like, fuck yeah, man. I haven't eaten in a Bennington's like so long. What's your entree of choice at Bennington's? At Bennington's chicken and dumplings. Okay. All right. What was the, what's the restaurant? Uh, oh, Sam Perkins.

Do you know Sam Perkins? No, I don't know. And I, when I was in Ohio with, uh, with Tony and, and, uh, Red Band like a month ago, fucking Red Band was like, if we, isn't it Sam, isn't it Sam Perkins? You're asking us like we go there all the time. I thought you said Dwayne Perkins. He has a restaurant.

Fuck. Or is it just Perkins? Perk. Where is it? Wasn't that the name of the guy in Psycho? Oh shit. I think Anthony Perkins and he owns a restaurant. Sam Perkins is the retired American professional basketball.

Same. Wow. Where is it? What, what part of the world's? Maybe we can go to Ohio. Yeah. Yeah. It's a, okay.

It's Perkins, but it's named after a guy. It's like, it's a guy's name. But anyways, he was like, if we fucking, if there's a Perkins, we got to go, right? Well, I was like, I don't know. What are the Perkins at Perkins? It's like, it's like, uh, Denny's or like an IHOP, but it's like, shut your face.

And then there was a cra, a cracker barrel across the street. No, that's not speaking my language. There is wheelhouse. I go, we're going to cracker ball, right? He goes over Perkins and I was like, I think so. And he was like, now we got to go to Perkins. And I'm like, all right, man. And we went to Perkins and it was good.

It was good. It wasn't cracker barrel. Right. Nothing. Has brown casserole. Boom. Yeah. You know, cracker barrel won't come to California.

Yes. You told me, I told you. 00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:30,600 I love this. This is a fact. It's like one of the few states that they won't come to because California has earthquake restrictions and they would make cracker barrel take the shit off the ceiling.

That's right. And cracker barrel is like, fuck you, man. Nobody can eat a hash brown casserole without a wheelbarrow over their head. Nobody can eat chicken fried steak and fried okra without right suspend about chicken wire and John checkers everywhere. What the fuck is wrong with you? Can I tell you something? I just went to cracker barrel.

I don't remember where and I bought a t-shirt that said these colors don't run in their shop. And like, are you sure I didn't say these colors don't run? The guy I was with was like, it's a nice shirt. Wait, you can't get that in California. I'm like, uh, no dude. It's an ironic joke where I'm from. Yeah.

Yeah. That's real shit at cracker barrel. It's America. It is. Oh, wait. Sorry. Where else are you at? We are.

We got some drinking alcohol wine. Tom. Yes. Nice to meet you. Tom. Nice to meet you. Thomas. Thomas.

Listen, kids, you can also see me. January 24, 25, 26, 27 Cleveland improv. And January 31st through February 3rd at Joey's a comedy club in Livonia, Michigan. Boom. Boom. Where's Livone? Livonia a room stop.

Stop bragging. Where's Livonia? It's outside the D. It's Thomas, right? Just outside the D. That's right. It is. No, my people are dying in Detroit now.

Like it's like a like they're just uncovering dead bodies everywhere. I didn't know that people are just killing other people. Or just like slaughtering humans killing themselves. Here's what I'm saying. That's right. Yeah. This is what I'm saying. Oh, I can't kid rock.

Do that shit. What's the problem? How is that a problem in Detroit? Yeah, I know. Get rid of Sarah. Do you have anything you like to plug coming up? Oh, myself. Yeah.

Oh, do I have any dates? I'm, I mean, I'm gonna be in Toronto at the end of March. I can't really work on the road that much because I'm doing the burn. I am doing a college in Peoria, Illinois with Judy Friedlander and Dion Cole Bradley University lineup. Hello on January Saturday the 26th, I believe. Oh, that's fine. I don't whatever that day in Peoria 24th.

Maybe yeah. Peoria, that sounds like a good lineup, man. That's cool. Yeah. Yeah. It'd be fun, dude. Yeah. Chill.

So good. Well, look, we're going to get things going here. Also, do not forget to check out our friends where we live now at all things comedy.com. Oh, yeah. There are so many cool people that have their podcasts up there now. Sam Tripoli and Naughty Show, Al Madrigal, the Mini Van Men, Bill Burr of course, with the Monday morning podcast and dozens of others.

Jackie Cation's there. Ari Shafir. Ari Shafir. Oh, yeah. I just know you're going to bark into the God damn. Did you hear that? Sarah and your camera podcast. People sent me stuff to the comedy store.

What? Yeah. Wait a minute. Well, flowers. You get flowers. Flowers. Guys, if you can't outdo the level of listener that listens to Ari Shafir and our pot.

I mean, if we can outdo that challenge, it really is. Are you ready to start wine? Oh, we're ready. We're not. This is not even the beginning. This is pre show. Welcome to your mom's house. Is there music that plays?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just watch. So we're just happy to start this episode. Start the new year off with a good friend, a hilarious comic, a beautiful lady and a down south southern bell. Sarah Tiana. Let's get it started. That's real.

I think we're like big. Oh, which way? Huh? Well, now we will. We will. We are louder. We are louder. We are louder.

We are louder. We are louder. We are louder. Get down there boy. We are louder. We are louder. The bridge is dead. What's that?

He's gone. He's a better that boy. He's a better that. Come on, squeal, squeal. Yeeeeeeeeeee. It's just an effect time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this.

No mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Sutsu. And Christina Pizitski. Christina Pizitski. Welcome to your mom's house.

Is it weird that that turned me on a little bit? We know it was. That was taken from your... My family reunion. That was your reunion. In Georgia where you're from, right? Was this filmed in your town? Yeah, it was filmed in Georgia.

Not in my town, calm down. I'm from Calhoun, Georgia. We have a Nike outlet. You know what? The legend. It's so funny. I don't know. Do you watch the ESPN 30 for 30s?

Oh my God. Right? Here we go. No, just really quickly. Bow knows. It's a fucking gender trader that Sarah T. I love football. I know.

Can you tell me this? Why can't you get her into it for me, man? Like what the fuck? I don't know. She has to be good at everything. Thank you. There can be some things that, you know, like I kind of... Thank you.

Like for me, like I don't, I don't like people getting mad at me because I don't like UFC and like... And I'm like, my plate's just full. Like I like football and baseball and that's it. I like Duck Dynasty. Oh my God. I love Duck Dynasty. How...

Who moved my teacup? Where is my teacup? It's the best. I just love Southern people. Honey Boo Boo. I love it. Are you into that one? I'm not into it, but I think that like people get so upset at it

and I'm like, really? Because this is like... At least they have dinner together. At least they hang out. Most families do not do that in America. You can judge them all you want because they mudslide in their backyard but they do it together. That's right.

And that's pretty... Yeah. I mean, I know that they're ridiculous in Redneck but they hang out and they're a family. They're a real family. That's true. Just so, I mean, the listeners know... You're from...

Is it Calhoun? I'm from Calhoun, Georgia. Calhoun, Georgia. Big Falcons fan. We're 12 and 2. And Big Dogs fan too, right? Big Dogs fan. We're playing Nebraska.

Which bowl is it? I don't know. It's not the good one. Can you believe... This is the year that the BCS... This was the year that... I really thought we would be Alabama in the SEC Championship. But even with losing that, it should be in a better bowl.

I think so. I mean, Oklahoma is not in a BCS bowl. Neither is LSU, but Northern Illinois is because of the BCS. Yeah. That's what's so ridiculous. They're playing FSU. It's a BS bowl. It's like you guys are speaking Chinese.

I know. You have to listen to it. But my team... You know what I mean? Yeah, that's why. The team is so good. You're such a gender trainer, Sam. On my phone, it says you've reached Sarah Tiana and Matthew Stafford.

Please leave a comment. I don't even know who that is. He says... He was the quarterback at UGA for years, and now he's the quarterback for the Detroit Lions. And she even pulls for Detroit, basically, when Matthew's doing... No, I definitely do. And I got my picture taken with him at the SBs this last year, and I told him that. And I called his girlfriend a cock blocker.

Wow. And did it work? Did he... He didn't notice. He didn't know. Like, you know, he took a picture, two pictures with me, actually, which is really nice. Wow, we're just happy to have Tiana here. You know?

Yeah! Nice song! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Do you know who this is? Do you know who this is? She knows who this is. She knows it. Look at her. Oh, yeah. She's strumming along. She's an air guitar.

Hold on. Okay. Ready? Ready. Oh, this is the jam! I love it. This isn't Scotty, though. No, this isn't the best.

No, Sarah and I... What was it? It was at Afghanistan. So, Sarah, Tiana, and I, if you don't know this, she and I went to war together. We went to Afghanistan. You really did. I mean, people will think you're joking. We threw bags of our own shit into fire together.

We did a lot. We did a lot of bases in Afghanistan. When you throw the bag full of pee and it just flies back because it's not heavy enough. Right back at ya. You guys have pee tubes, but we had to pee in the bag. You did it. I didn't do it. I held it.

Well, I think I made a number two also. I'm not sure. You always make a number two. Thank you. That's why we're friends. Your child is going to be called number two. The first one that comes out, you'll consider it number two. You know what I love about Sarah is that I'm a disgusting woman.

Disgusting human. Like, not ladylike at all. I'm like, I'm completely the opposite. I'm like, no, you need to treat me like lady. But she opened my door for me. Sarah wore perfume to Afghanistan. Oh, absolutely. I put it on the extra because they'll rub it on their uniform.

And I was like, whatever. When they were jerking off later that night, they'll have sweet perfume to hold on to. She knew what they wanted. Absolutely. But I'm the opposite. I was like, I'm going to wear some fatigues too. Just fucking power over. I'm going to tell you what she fucking did one time.

We were at this like random, like bizarre camp in the, in the middle of Afghanistan. And the, the Afghani national army was there. Like that's where they were training at this particular base. And Chrissy was up on stage and some of the army comes and sits down, the Afghan army. She goes, oh my God, you guys don't look, but I think Saddam Hussein just came in. And that was their general. And he does look like, and like everybody just got really quiet. She's like, and she comes out saying this to me and she's like, don't worry.

I don't think they noticed. I'm like, yeah, I'm sure he didn't notice you going blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Saddam Hussein, blah, blah, blah. And then everyone laughed. Well, maybe there's a guy named Saddam and is in the troops. Yeah. Maybe that guy. That's one name I think translates.

You're like, it's like Assad and that's Jansen. Well, can I tell you, we don't, I don't know if you know this about Sarah T. Tommy or T-Bone as I call her. Yeah, she calls me T-Bone. This broad is so tough. Like she looks very genteel and very fey. She got sick one day on a helichopter ride after we got off. On the Osprey.

On the Osprey. I mean, you know me and my fear of vomiting, right? This girl gets off a plane, gets sick, literally, like basically wipes her mouth and is like, all right, let's go and gets on stage and crushes. Crush, destroy. I got a sprite though. I took a sprite with me. I mean, come on, you know.

A sprite? Never mind. The story doesn't mean a shit. But that's how tough she is. I believe it. I believe it. I feel like that she was dolling up for the troops and putting on perfume. She did.

She did. And I bring her heels for specific dates. Yes. And I put them in my backpack and then I change into them for the stage. Look at that. Because they're used to seeing girls in boots and we have to wear boots like boots and long pants. Dikes like me, yeah.

Trolls like me. These are boots and long pants on the helicopters all times and long sleeves. It's pronounced helichopter. I was sorry. Yeah. All right. But I would change when I got there. I can't believe you two were in Afghanistan.

I'm just looking at you two. It was so hilarious to watch Christina out there because she was so like, but happily at most places, like what was funniest was the food because like a lot of times, but then at one place there would randomly be sausages and she'd be like, all right. Okay. All right. Okay. That made my night when they had a hot dog night.

Oh, your chair just broke. You say hot dogs and Tom goes flying. We went to Waffle House for dinner last night. No way. That's why his chair just broke. No, it wasn't. It's not a real waffle. No, we had a real pig night.

We had a fat girl night. We fucking, we were eating like just pawing at stuff and like, you know, we were pawing at leftovers and we're like, that's enough, right? And then we're both like, I'm hungry. I'm hungry. What do you feel like? We're like breakfast for dinner. Yeah.

Went and had waffles. I put on my, I put on my yoga pants. A place called norms. Oh yeah. Waffle house. Yeah. Got on my good. I stole a waffle house mug and I use it at work.

You stole it. I did. Like the white kind or did it have the word waffle house on it? And I tried to pay for it, but the waitress wouldn't come back. Oh, and I was in North Carolina and I was doing a show for the troops out there. Actually. So I was like, I'm just going to take it. Like I'm just like, don't feel bad.

I'm such an honest person. Like I try to always obey the law. Like I was always that kid in school that was like, oh no, I obey all the rules and I would get in a lot of trouble because you're good and you're a good person. No, no, it's not necessarily a good person. It's just a, it's like when I was in college, we used to go to the waffle house like every I love me in North Carolina and the one really small school. Lenore Ryan and Hickory.

Oh, Hickory. John Reed. John Reed. Yeah. That's why I went to school. Hickory. That's how you pronounce it. One of the chefs at a waffle house had half of one arm and at the elbow.

So he had a stub and when you, when you ordered bacon, he would rest your bacon, your raw bacon on his stub. No, he did. And then here's, and he also, yes, he did. Delicious. And he also, cause you know, waffle house in every city brings out the same element. So it was always like late night, it's going to bring in some rough. It's going to be people after a concert and like, if you don't have shoes on, whatever,

whatever, you lost them, whatever. I remember going to a whole concert in music midtown. We were like at a whole concert and I lost like shoes and like parts of my clothes and we were like so hungry and we just went to waffle house and they're like, whatever. It's absolutely fine. It's so great. There's not even locks on the door because they never close. There's no locks on the door.

And there's all, there's fights. And people would come in drunk and you know, the fuck you start. And I remember the one armed dude being like, if you want fucking, you want a mayhem right now, bring it over the counter. He was ready to show down with his half arm. So funny. Yeah. And he was, he was serious.

That bacon tastes good cause there's only bacon that's really ever been on his arm. Yeah. And it's just salt. If it's sweats, just extra salt. That's a good point. Some of his arm juices are not that bad. It's not gross. No, it's not like you're going to get a half arm if you eat it.

No. Your arm is going to shrink too. And when he got into it, was he one of those guys born with a baby? You think he asked? I was like, hey man, over easy. What's up with that arm? Yeah. Like what kind of question is that?

I don't know! You know what's so amazing about those people is that like most of them have an on graduated high school, but it's still a line cook restaurant. So like the orders are just shouted out. They don't get it on like a digital screen or anything. So they hear like hash browns. Smell the cover, too over easy. What's up?

And then they're like... But that's a skill. That's what I'm saying. It's like they're so good at what they do. No. Well, listen, sometimes people with disabilities are very open. I had a friend in high school that had no legs from the knees down, both of whom she lost as an infant in an accident.

In an accident? Yeah. His story is that this is someone from high school, so I don't remember it totally. Skydiving? No. She was a baby. Skydiving? Her caregiver left her in the hot tub and it burned her legs so severely that they had

to be amputated from the knees down. And she was a goth girl, really nice girl. But she would tell everybody like up front so that you weren't gossiping about it. Which is kind of a good way. There's a comic, a female comic in LA. Yes. Damien. Damien, yeah.

Is that her name? Yeah. And she like draws a face on it, on her arm. I knew Damien when she didn't have an arm. Really? She lost it. Okay. Well, I always felt, I don't know her and obviously because I just had to describe the girl and

not know her name. But I do feel like that, no, that I've seen her at shows and that she like brings attention to it. She does draw attention to it and she's very open about it. That's what I'm saying. At the same time, it's like, okay, let's talk about something else now. Oh, right? How'd she lose her arm?

Car accident. And her cousin was driving. I think somebody died in the car accident. So like the guy driving was like her family member. But so it just like ripped her arm off. Damn. Maybe that's why she... It was over Christmas too.

I remember like, I saw her in November and then like at Christmas, I heard about the accident in January. She came back and she was all... Wow. I think that's why she talks about it so much. My grandmother actually sent her money. Yeah. Your grandmother sent her money?

Yeah. Because she didn't have health insurance or anything. So they did it like, we did like a fundraiser for her and she always brings that up like, oh, your grandma sent me money. You're sweet like that though. You do a lot of stuff for troops. You're very into giving back, which is really a cool thing about it. Yeah.

Because I don't know any comics to do that. We don't do that. Really? Because I was just going to ask you guys if I can have some, come sending a care package for Christmas. And I was like, do you guys... See? She's sending a care package.

Where are you sending it to the troops? A couple. Oh, and Kabul. Okay. Well, they have electricity there. I know. Good for them. Can we get like just cost money on it?

Yeah, sure. I'll pay you for it. So, this, I have to put it back on the track. Sorry. Yeah. I know. Sorry. We get...

That what this was all about was that you guys, when you went overseas together... We sang a lot of songs. This is one of our tunes that we sing, right? Okay. Yeah. So... It really got us through the night. Go for the...

Yeah. Is it? This is the real one, right? This is the real thing right here. Yeah. It's a good song. Squeeze my tits and pull my dick real hard. But Christina would always put her arms in the air and like grass like squeeze my tits

and pull my dick real hard. We were singing that. Yeah, that's where she got it from. Yeah. It started in the home because Scotty McCreary was on American Idol that year. And Scotty would sing it over and over. The only song he knew. That's all he was fucking saying.

It's all he was fucking saying. It was all he was fucking saying. It's all he was fucking saying. It was all he was fucking saying. It's all the doors to the recording studio. Right. Right. So, we were singing, um...

Uh... Oh. Squeeze my tits and pull my dick real hard. It made me laugh so hard when she told me that story. And like that kept us through, like on these horrible bus rides where we have no air conditioning or anything. I know. Pinch my nuts and squeeze my dick real hard.

But squeeze my tits and pull my dick real hard. It's so funny. For a man. Yeah, it's so funny. And I've been laughing at this for years. Since Scotty McRae was on American Idol, I've been laughing at this. It's so cute. I was just going to say, like, Scotty.

Like, she says, she calls him Scotty. Scotty. All the time. Scotty. Oh, Scotty. Pinch my dick and squeeze my dick real hard. Punch my dick. I'm just...

I like that. Pinch my tits and squeeze my dick real hard. Pinch my tits. Pinch my tits. Wait, let's all sing it together. Let's do pinch my tits and squeeze my dick. Okay. Oh, baby.

Pinch my... Wait, I thought we got to do the music. Oh, okay. Let's do the music. We've got to do a karaoke style. We've never done this. Karaoke style. Karaoke.

We've never done this together. Uh-oh. Is it funny that I, like, excited about just the tune when it comes on? It's a good tune. It's not bad. Pinch my tits and squeeze my dick. Okay. Everybody sing along at home.

Baby, pinch my dick and squeeze my dick real hard. Pull my nuts and thing my ass holes too. Slick my cloutores and make me cum. With your banjo in your hand. I've been thinking nice. All night long. I've been thinking about this all night long. Quite so strong.

But this is some Scotty singing. This is Josh Turner. Is this the original guy? Yeah, Josh Turner. He write it? Probably. Josh Turner was also a, I think he was also an American Idol guy. Oh really?

What? Because it has a feel of like a really old song. Yeah, it does. But Josh was always kind of like that on American Idol. I think that that's the right guy because there was a guy that was like married on American Idol and he, I think he got like third place or whatever, but he ended up doing well. Kind of like Daughtry, you know, who like, well, I don't watch it anymore. I don't, I'm bored to tears.

Yeah, but, but the lyrics are actually a little violent. It's lock the door, pull the lights down low. I'm going to rape you. Right. Isn't that the meaning of, I mean, I hope so. Lock the door. Make sure nobody can help you if you scream real loud. Well, it's a trailer door.

It's easy to get back open. Stop playing that. You have to stop doing that. Deliverance. Please deliverance from evil. It's Georgia. This is where you're from. When just talk about the gooks of hazard or something.

Now what is deliverance? You're from Georgia. You fucking, like everybody just assumed, I tell this joke on stage now, but I'm like, everyone just assumes that you're racist when you're from the South. Like people just assume that my fans and friends and family back home are walking around saying the N word, which I find ridiculous because normally we're shouting it. That's just camping on a house. Right.

Yeah. I love when he, he tell racist jokes in the South and they're like, uh-huh. Yeah. Yes. He just facts. Yes. Yeah. I think I did Knoxville, Tennessee and I was just dying a painful death.

This is when I was a feature act and I had in my back pocket some just crude racist shit that I had written on a triple run like bar. Right. And I remember just juggling my nuts or my tits up there and I pulled them out and that was the only thing that saved me and Knoxville with each other. Pulling your tits up. Hacky. I'd pull my tits real hard.

And that was it. Tits my tits. And that's the only shit they wanted to hear. Yeah. It's like a college gig where they just want fart jokes and drug jokes. I love that. It's so fucking. I know you do.

You do well. That's your will. I got an hour on that. We're a great pair when we work on the road because we don't talk about any of the same things. Like you're like, I'm into fat guys and. And shit. And cheesecake.

And I'm like, I don't like that. And you better treat me like a lady. There you go. Because you don't like talking about. You don't do brown talk. No, I don't. All aboard. Next stop.

Brown talk. Brown talk coming up. It's so gross. I love it. I was waiting for this. I hate that you do that. She made sure. I feel like burping.

I'm like, excuse me. She made sure that was. That was. Oh yeah. I'm sure. She likes to torture me with toilet humor. I love it. It's not funny.

What's that? Can I ask? Well, maybe you can ask. It's a private thing. Well, maybe you can help me with this because my cousin Shadi. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. So. My cousin Shadi and I, she had a great question and maybe Shadi.

What hung your shadi shadi? Shadi swing? Shadi entertainment out. She said to me, and I don't know, Tommy, you, you're obviously going to be the THORTA on this. She said to me? When guys have to shit. Do they, like, they stand and pee first and then they turn and they sit down.

That's a good question. Thank you. That's a good question. Or do you sit down and then you p P and you're pooping at this. Cause like sometimes we pee and poop at the same time. So wait, I want to make sure that I understand the question. Your question is when a guy has to shit, does he stand and pee? And then when he's done peeing, sit down, then turn around and sit down.

Cause you guys are, you stand when you pee. So that makes. So wait, cause when you shit. They also have to put the toilet seat down. It's a lot of work. Right. That's true. So when you shit, you piss and shit at the same time.

Sometimes. Yeah. Are you just finding this out? Yes. Because you're a married man and that's ridiculous. Do you know who else piss and shit at the same time? Monkey. Horses.

Pigs. Pigs do that. You're an animal. It's not. It's more similar. Absolute animalistic. How dare you? Of course we stand and we finish peeing and then we sit down and we shit.

As you're eating a McRib sandwich. I'm serious though, because it would make sense that you pee and poo at the same time. But then you have to push your peener in between your legs and then push it down. Tell me, can you tell us what happens or is that not a natural? Um, okay. I can't believe you. This is. Oh, you can't believe it.

This is exactly what I thought we would be talking about. I know. I just can't believe. Welcome to seven. I can't believe you haven't talked about this. Yeah. That's what I can't believe. I can't believe that women actually wonder this.

That's so interesting to me. No, it's just to me. Answer the question. It's absolutely we sit down and we piss and shit at the same time. Really? Of course. Of course. It's not the opposite.

No, no. That's so ridiculous. Do you ever, is that why pee gets on the seat sometimes? Cause you don't get it down past enough? Well, no. Cause most of the time you're trying to get it up and then trying to get it down must be difficult. Right.

Well, hold on. Piss on the seat is when we just piss. We don't lift the seat up. That's what you're talking about. Right. Yeah. But when you're having to go number two. Piss on the seat just when a guy only has to piss and he just doesn't feel like lifting

the seat up. That's nice. Piss and you miss and you get it all over the seat. I hate that. And then she's so upset. I'm so upset. But that's very true. It's very true.

So lazy. When guys shit, we sit down. Sometimes we have a full bladder and we'll take a full piss while we're sitting down. But more let's say you don't, you don't have to really pee. You'll still have residual just like, you know, spurts of pee that come out and all you have to do really is just you, your junk sits inside of the rim of the toilet. Yeah. Oh, does it touch the rim?

Some. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you're sitting there. You push your, your junk basically down and then depending on the size of, of your, your junk. Can we talk about Waffle House again?

She's so comfortable. She's so comfortable. So comfortable. Oh, I'm, but now guys with stop playing it. What are you playing? Oh my gosh. Oh my bad. So gross.

This, uh, guys with little dicks have to really squeeze their legs together. They have to sit cross-legged on this. You have to hold it down the whole time. You know what I'm saying? Like, and then guys with big, healthy hogs or just who are older and the gravity has pulled on their junk really hard. It just hangs, you know, in between the legs. But then what if you're in a public restroom and then you go, so, okay, so you have to

urinal. I guess you don't shit in a urinal. No, usually not. Usually not. Only he had to make sissy there and then he, oh, I got a shit. And then he just. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like a big fan of that. I don't want to mess up my toilet.

I agree. Yeah. Where do you like to go? Like any restaurant? It doesn't matter. What if I have to go? I have to go. Offices.

I'm a big fan of shitting in office. Other people tell. I took one right here at your house because I'm like, this is nice. Really? I thought so. No, I didn't. No, I didn't. But can I say though that like I dated a guy once that had a penis that got hard the

opposite way, like a gonzo nose. No way. A curl down. Yeah. Like curled down instead of up. Wow. Yeah. So I bet when he pees, it's easy.

Oh, because he can sit down and then it just goes right in there. Curves. Did that hurt? No. I literally broke up with him in bed after sex for the second time. I tried twice. Oh my God. Yeah.

You have to be on top. It's just weird. You have to be on top. You have to be on top and like you can't give a guy a blow job like that. It's very uncomfortable. It's like a curly straw. Okay. I need it.

A bendy straw. A bendy, not a curly. Holy shit. But you know what I mean? Yeah. It was just really. And he was a stuntman. So I was like, maybe he broke it.

Oh, maybe. At some point I just heard about that UFC fighter that broke his dick down in Mexico. I didn't know about that. Yeah. The girl was on his girlfriend was like on top of him and then like reached like went up and down like in and out way too fast. And then let's just like burst it in half. That's what I.

That's what happened. And then like blood was like every like it was bad. Yeah. Tommy Lee did that. But now she's agreed to like have a threesome with him to make up for it. Whatever he wants. That's nice. Tommy Lee had his dick kills in two years.

Yeah. He was doing some girl doggy style and he went back and he went in and he he bent his penis and it can happen. Yeah. That's what really can happen is that because it's a muscle, you know, that's obviously full of blood at that time. But you know, it doesn't break the way a bone would, but you can damage the muscle. Yeah, for sure.

And and have really. See, this is my I've been talking about this on stage a little bit, but I just have like a huge problem with porn now. And like, I know that's not like a good thing to say ever, especially to this kind of audience. But like, yeah, what happened to me? It's like, it's just a little out of control and it's teaching bad habits. And that's why I think these things are happening because it's like, why don't you just listen to me and my body and what I want as opposed to just like copying some move that you saw

that is not productive. Like it just ramp like porn is just a guy grabbing you with this Pringle scan dick, which is never real. Right. And her pretend like, you know, they don't show you in porn after you ram her with your Pringle scan cock and then spray her with your manned bleach, you know, someone hands her $2,000. Right.

Right. That's why she's so excited. That's what I'm saying. Like it's not good. Like you have to listen to a woman and her body and that's right. That's right. And I always say like, you have to treat me like a lady. And the reason you have to treat me like a lady is because I treat you like a man.

I respect you like a man. You, I, um, I always, I'm like a big oral sex person because I know that men like that. So I'm going to listen to you and what you want. If you're not into it, fine, we'll move around. But I listen to like what a guy wants. And so if you're not doing that to me, it's not good. And I think honestly, like guys jerk off way too much now. So like it numbs like this.

I think you just hang around comics too much. Comics jerk off too much. I don't think it's just comics because porn is everywhere. It's so accessible now. It used to be a thing where like you had to put, put, turn on the VCR and like pop it and tape and like be all secretive about it. And that's a little bit more of a turn on when it's got to be secret. But now you can get it on your iPhone.

Which is fantastic because you can't get viruses. No, I agree. No, because here's what you learn. You learn how to have sex watching porn. Yeah. And that's not right. Like that's not the way to do it. Nowadays you've got like when we had Yoshi in here with evil angel stuff, that stuff

makes me like, oh, it makes me wince only because, you know, one day our kids are going to grow up. Our boy is going to be like, oh, so you put a baseball bat in her ass. Is that what you, and you're like, dude, no, like I agree with you. It's a little too cray cray. It's become like regular movies where it's like now action movies and they're just like however many we can get. Let's just crash into the Empire State Building.

We can make it happen. It's like, that's not fun. Just so you guys know, it's not like anal. No, not fun. Just so you know, not fun. It's not real. We're having a baby in reverse. It's awful.

Yeah. And stop doing it. And then the guys are like, oh, the girls are into it. I'm like, they think they're supposed to be because they're 20 years old and they're watching porn too. Yeah, they don't know shit. Yeah. And the problem is that like, it's so like, you need a little bit like, you know how like

if you're at work, like at my work writing on the show, like I need a little bit of stress to get shit done, to meet a deadline and you need a little bit of sexual attention to go out and look for pussy, you know, and to like, fix stuff, build stuff, like you need motivation as a man. Right. And if you go home and jerk off every day, you lose the motivation. You think so, Tommy? I think she's making excellent points.

I think the first point with regard to listening to your partner's body is great advice. That's what your partner advice is. That is super. I know you guys are so disgusting together, but you're perfect, but I think that's great advice. And it's great advice to, you know, there's a lot of guys listen to this show and it's you're right. You should listen and I do think even better point is the need to have like, there's something

about in the world that we live in today and this goes not just for sex, but for almost any type of pleasure. You can get your pleasure almost at any time at any time and there's something to be said about denying yourself, right, delay, craving, right? And that means food, sex, whatever sensation you're looking to get off on. If you deny yourself that sometimes it does give you an extra like Joel where you go like, I'm going to go work out now or I'm going to go write something, I'm going to go meet somebody and talk to somebody as opposed to stay.

Cause when you just fulfill your own desires and encravings, it makes you just become kind of like a slug. Complacent. No, it does. It's like, I'm just guys jerking off all day, didn't build the pyramids. You know what I mean? Like those guys had a lot of attention. You're right.

You know what I mean? They're slaves. They never got pussy. You know what I mean? That's right. Like as women, I feel like I like have a problem with always being ready. Like I'm constantly like in the mood, but that's because I deny myself a lot and I don't have sex a lot and I let it build up so that like when I'm there, but also when I'm there,

I'm ready to explore a lot of options and I'm happy to do different things, but I'm listening to him. It's not just all about like whatever. I already did this yesterday. Right. That's no fun to me. But I do think that masturbation, it's never a substitute for the real deal. No.

You know what I mean? It can never. And in fact, I know. I think a lot of guys do use it because like it's the same as video games, like video games and porn. It's an escape. Kind of thing, yeah. The same numbing.

Absolutely. It numbs the exact same part of your brain. But it also depresses me. Yeah. Like when I'm on the road, like I'll go through phases of like rubbing them out and being like, oh, it's going to feel good just because you're so lonely and you're so depressed. And then you're like, that wasn't, that wasn't, that was terrible. Well, I told you that some of my jerking off, you know, it can come from that, but a lot

of times. That's where it comes from most of the time. Well, it does. But a lot of times I I'll jerk off as a like an escape, like a numb thing for like help you go to sleep. Sometimes. But I do it sometimes with the time that I wish I hadn't do it the most is not even like falling asleep.

It's like I'm stressed out or I'm working on something and I'm instead of like pushing through the block or like the struggle of it, I'll be like, you know, fuck, I wrote half a page of this is then I'll sit there and I'll go jerk off and I'll and I won't do it like three minutes. I'm gonna do like an hour long like perusing through videos. Wow. You need a lot of you need motivation. Well, I don't I don't do it like I gotta jerk off real quick.

Right. I'm like, I'm going to look for stuff. So you're wasting time. I'm wasting time. Honestly, can I tell you the best like the thing that I do all the time when I'm super frustrated when I'm writing and I'm like, I'm super blocked. Instead of going in and doing that, I just go for a walk. I go for a walk and then as I and I don't when I started exercising two years ago, like

when I go on hikes and stuff and I don't bring an iPod anymore. That's good. At all. I don't listen to music. I just get in my head and figure shit out because it's my time to like think and walk. Do what if I feel like if I feel like running, I'll run. If I don't feel like wanting a walk, like it doesn't matter. And I ended up losing 10 pounds because I was just like, fuck this shit, man.

Stop eating. It does not matter. Stop masturbating. Stop doing this. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I figure shit out in my head and so I quit listening to music. I quit all the distractions and I really feel like sometimes masturbation is a distraction just like video games or distraction.

We all have distractions and we all need it at certain points, but you don't need it every day and you have to let it build up because if you let it build up will be so much better. So much better. So much better. Well, and you know what I was just thinking? So what can we tell America's youth? If you're a young man or a young woman, I know, Tommy, you have a bit about this, but

I firmly believe that the pornography I grew up on was a gentler, more kinder, loving. I would say pornography from the 70s about to 1986 was a mutually enjoyable, consensual adult venture. Yeah, consensual. It was Ginger Lynn. It was Ron Jeremy. It was Full Bush. It was no fake tits.

It was grown-ups in it because they wanted to do it for some, not everybody. I'm not saying, you know, it's exploitive too, yes, but it wasn't these 19-year-old girls off the fucking potato truck and now they're in porn. It was a much more grown-up way of having sex. I'd say look at your 70s porn. Go get deep throat. Go get all these old-timey porn. Or you can, I mean, if you're actually searching the porn route, I know that the business,

the industry is so big these days that you can probably, I mean, I don't have the answer for you, but there are, I'm sure, today, companies that exist that make that type of... Like grown-up. Porn for women. Like normal. Because let me tell you what porn for women is. Magic mic. I was at rock.

I haven't seen it. Because it's teasing, you get, I left that theater so aroused. Really? Yeah, because let me tell you why. When you see a man dance, you know he has rhythm, and if you have rhythm on the dance floor, you know you're gonna be good in bed together because you have the same rhythm. Just like, if you can't dance and then you meet somebody who can't, then that's good rhythm because that means that you're in sync with each other.

That's interesting. And then like, I've had this argument about Fifty Shades of Bray because all the guys are like, whatever, Fifty Shades of Bray is like female porn. And I'm like... Finally. Yeah, it is. You know why? Because it's in our head.

Right. Like in order for us to get off... Is that good? Is that a good... You know, I haven't read it, but I think that it is great for women because we imagine the guy looking like whoever we want to look like. We use our imagination to create a world that is all about us, whereas I feel like in porn, it's a visual stimulation and you see the guy and you see the girl and you're like picturing

yourself as the guy and getting this girl. And it's like, I just don't even think that's healthy. But most pornography is made by men for men. It's not geared towards women. But I think it's just such a problem. It's like, I think guys always complain about not getting laid or whatever and like women are in control and it's like, women want to get laid just as much as you do. But you have to be actively searching for pussy.

And if you're not doing that because you're all crying at home with a video game and you just jerked off. What's the point? Preach system. You're not going out and look, you're not at a bar or like a club or you're just at a restaurant. No, no, no. Even worse.

You're not even out. You're in front of the computer now. And that's this generation too, right? Guys, what more do you need to hear? You got two chicks telling you to go out and get pussy, man. I go, I still, I do this actively and I've talked about it before, but I go to bars like fancy hotel bars by myself. Honestly, I go to fancy hotel bars because it weeds out the week because you're only

going to go there if you have enough money to buy a drink there and I have enough money to buy a drink there. And I can buy my own drink, but if I meet you there, like if you're in town and you're not in the business, you're not in my circle of what I do. If you're just in town visiting and we get along, you have a hotel room at a fancy hotel. There it is. I'll take an orange juice and go in the morning. You know what I mean?

You can care about the mini bar. But like, I'm just saying that like when men go out and just have a, I feel like people don't have conversations anymore. No. Do you don't know how to talk? No. And it's all this cheap texting. I've been talking about that a lot lately about how guys will catch you like how you

doing. No. Are you fucking serious? Motherfucker, call. You could call me like a grownup. What do you talk? If you can't call me and have a conversation on the phone, we have nothing to talk about. Sarah, you're preaching right now.

Sorry. No, I mean that in a good way. I'm saying you're preaching the gospel that I feel like a lot of men need to hear. Yeah. I feel like you're really telling them what's up. The modern young single guy needs to know that, you know, we've become so married to our computers and our games and texting and like what you're basically saying is go back to being a person, meet people, talk to people, look me in the eye, talk to a woman, don't

Google me. You don't have to. Right. I'll tell you the truth. Right. And then when you get in bed, you're going to get a BJ because I'm down and in the morning too. I'm going to wake you up with one.

Holy shit. That's what I'm saying. Like I just don't understand. Like the reward to me is so vast and yet because they complain constantly that women are the ones in control because we have the vagina and I'm like, you are in control of who you are. Like if you want to pursue me, make an effort. If you make an effort and I find you attractive and I find you interesting and we have something

to talk about, then I'm going to be interested because that's a turn, a talking is a turn on. Absolutely. Some sort of debate. If we disagree, like whatever, it doesn't matter. And may I point out as well, when I met Tommy Buns, he was not the polished, the gentleman that you see before you, the dapper gent, the clean shaven man in the suit that you see before you.

The suit. The birthday suit. But I will tell you this though, is that he was engaging, he was sensitive, he was sweet and he was a gentleman. And that will supersede any sort of hygienic flaw. He didn't use soap in a shower, he just used shampoo on his body and balls and hair. But you know what? I overlooked it because of all the wonderful qualities that he had, has, sorry, not past

times, as a human being and all that stuff is cosmetic. You can shave a bear down, you can make him buy a bed frame so that his mattress doesn't rest on the floor. That's what I had. That's what he had. You can buy him soap, but you can't buy character, you can't buy morals, you can't buy a sense of humor. And I'll tell you this.

And balls and grit, goddammit, he's a real man. This is the truth. I was never like a player or a guy, like I had friends who were just had that crushing pussy. Right. Had the automatic game thing. But my success when I was single with women was all based on real, just being real, being a gentleman.

I was always very polite. I would always open the door and stuff. But anytime that there was a success for me with women, it was because I could engage in a conversation and we could get to me going and that I couldn't, like I said, throw bullshit lines. I could joke and have a sense of humor and make her laugh, but it was about being able to talk. Communicate.

Yeah. People can't communicate anymore and nobody knows how to. And we're letting it slide as women and I have a really big problem with settling and like... Don't do a problem. It's so bizarre to me because, and I always say it's like when you're single, it's like you're on probation in prison and the only way to get out is to be on your best behavior. So you just end up acting cool about everything that you're not cool with.

That's a big problem. It's a huge problem that women do and it really bothers me and I have to practice what I preach because I'm constantly getting in these situations where I'm just like, you know, your whole relationship is based on if, like, well, if you just called me more, it would be fine. If you just drove up here more, it would be fine, you know? And it's like, you can't be based on if. It all has to be based on reality and who you are and what you like and you just have to be like, time out.

I'm not into that. It's cool that you are. Right, right. I'm into tell men right away straight up. I think a lot of times like I realized this guy was like texting me constantly and I was like, well, is his deal is he not getting the hint and I'm like, of course he's not getting the hint because I haven't said I'm not interested and that's on me. That's my fault.

So I had to say, like, listen, I think you're great, but I'm not interested in anything, you know, romantically. And then it stopped because you just put down that barrier and it's like somehow we're afraid to communicate how we really feel about that's a girl thing. But I think sometimes guys do too, because honestly, like women's live has really hurt us in a way because the name of my new CD is called I'm a gentleman. Really? Yeah.

Cause I say the night I'm a gentleman. Is this, is it out right now? Not yet. It's going to come out soon. Okay. And so, but that will be the name of it. And it's all about, you know, girl power and stuff, but at the same time it's like, I'm a gentleman.

Like I want you to treat me like a lady because I treat you like a man. Like I respect you. I don't make fun of you in front of your friends. I don't dishonor you in front of your family. I think your cock is the greatest thing I've ever seen. It's all the only one I want. Like there's nothing to complain about at that point. So I just really, it just really bothers me that somehow we've lost this sense of communication.

Like we can't really talk to people. And then like somehow the guys are like, well, you know, women's live, like she should pay for dinner or we should split. I'm like, go fuck yourself, not splitting dinner. You asked me here. You invited me here. That's the difference. You asked somebody out.

Yeah. And that's it. Don't be a fucking asshole. Don't be an asshole. I don't understand. But if you're dating for a while. Of course. You should pay for shit for him.

Of course. Or half it. Of course. If it's, I always say like on a first day, if it's going well and he bought me dinner, I'll be like, let's go to so and so and I'll buy dessert. Let's go to Alcove. I'll buy dessert. That's good.

I'll buy coffee and, you know, an aperitif and then I pay for that. Like that's fair. That's classy. But the reason that you should pay for dinner is A, you asked me out B, I showed up on time wearing nice clothes with a good hair looking fabulous so that you look good too. No perfume one. Okay. Some heels.

I respected you in the fact that I showed up on time. Right. I'm dressed nicely. I came here because you asked me to. And if you invited me to your wedding and then you were like, you're not going to pay for half of the buffet cause it's like, like that's so fucked up. And I feel like a lot of women are doing that now because they feel like women's live. Like we have, and it's like, stop doing that.

Like you have to make them at a point, at some point you have to make a man feel like a man because a man wants to be taller than you, wants to be stronger than you, wants to make more money than you, and he wants to be funnier than you. And for me, it's hard because I take one of those away sometimes too, depending on where you ate tables, but I'm just saying that like you have to make him feel like he can take care of you. But you always know the truth. But the truth is that I want him to take care of me.

You can let them think stuff. It's fine. Hey, what's going on? I don't care if I make more money than you, but I want you to feel like you can take care of me emotionally. Of course. Of course. And that to me is more valuable than a bank account.

Of course. That's another thing ladies and gentlemen, PS, do never judge a man by his bank account. Oh my God. Can I tell you that when Tommy Buns and I, the year we were married, Tommy, we lived in a one bedroom apartment in downtown Los Angeles. Yeah, I remember. Remember that? And across from MacArthur Park.

MacArthur Park. Broke as a joke. The two of us were broker than we've ever been. But can I tell you that I knew Tom loved what he did. And I think that is a key is that as long as you pick somebody who has passion for what they do, the money always comes. And that's in life. Well, you can also respect someone.

It's like you cannot love a man without respect. You have to respect a man. If you do not respect what he does and who he is as a human being, it's never going to work. I'm not saying he has to be a rocket science. No. He'll be a garbage man. Doesn't matter.

As long as you're the best garbage man in the fucking block. Best garbage man. I can stand up for you. I have a reason to defend you in any argument. That gives me motivation. If we're with your family and they start cutting you down, I'm like, no, no, no, no. I mean, I'm glad that you, I'm glad that you're speaking your opinion, but this is the greatest man I've ever met and he's the only thing I've ever wanted.

And the more you guys don't want him, the more I want him. So I think we just, we just did an awesome hour commercial to find the man of your dreams. I just got broken up with literally like a few days ago. No. You're going to get love letters. I'm not going to get anything. So much. Are you kidding me?

The other thing you brought up that I'm really into also is the blow jobs. Blow jobs. I'm talking about blow jobs. The other thing that I think a lot of guys respond to, especially is directness. Yeah. Like a lot of women, and this is a good lesson for women, especially is, you know, they won't say what they want or don't want. They won't lay out something bothers them and they're like, figure it out.

If you tell a guy, you tell a guy shit. And guys actually, for the most part, are super responsive to that. You tell them, like, I don't like when this or that happens. I don't like when you, I don't like, stop doing that, text me. I don't like that. That I'd rather you don't text me, whatever, this kind of guys will be like, Oh, really? They follow rules. Absolutely.

They like that. Guys like rules. And like, it's like, you have to just be like, Oh, I can't do this. Okay. And, and that's, it's like, and women are like cats where we're just like, you can tell us, but like, hopefully, I don't know, maybe we'll think about, but like, but guys, it's like the more direct you are, the better. And, and I feel like a lot of times we're completely indirect and we're in a society

now where people are like afraid to say, like, I don't like you. I'm not attracted to you. It's not going to work out, but you have to because it's not, it's, I want you to tell me that out of respect to me. That's respectful. It's loving too, to tell somebody, Hey, I'm not into you or Hey, maybe you're better for somebody else. Yeah.

That's what that's saying. I'm not wasting your time. Yeah. I mean, you're getting straight up knowledge. This is not, you know what? We should do a segment with Sarah T. Absolutely. A regular segment.

For our single and Mary people. A lot of times we talk into, we talk specifically, we'll just talk about relationship stuff. And I feel like you're, you're definitely, she just helped you get laid guys. If you're, I'm telling you, let me tell you the key to getting laid. If you have a hundred dollars that you're willing to spend, I can get you laid in a week. And all you have to do is buy a nice pair of jeans and a pair of converse and a white t-shirt.

I swear to God. Is that, is that it? That's the uniform. Listen, what happens is women see you out and then they go, I go like, well, those are nice jeans. You must like to go shopping. I like to go shopping. We can go shopping together.

Like then we go, we look at you and we think like, okay, you're put together. You have your shit together. Like what you're wearing is a huge statement to women. Huge. Absolutely. I'm out to this place and you are attracted to me because of what I'm wearing. So why wouldn't I be attracted to you because of what you're doing? So you just buy a $75 pair of jeans.

You can get them at Nordstrom Rack on sale, a con pair of converse or 25, 30 bucks and a white t-shirt, which you can buy in a pack at Target because t-shirts don't even matter. White t-shirts are super hot on guys, but you see those jeans and then immediately you're like, he cares. He probably has a nice apartment. He probably has a clean car. Like you start predicting what the man is like and before, and even if that's not what happens, we're looking at you and assuming that and so you're gold.

Well, I'm going to come up and compliment on your jeans and now I'm talking to you. You don't even have to say anything to me. I'm talking to you. And man, I also recommend a good haircut because hair you wear every day, you should not be cheap on your hair. Best speech you ever gave me. Yeah. Best speech you ever gave me.

No, Tommy, you get your hair cut. She said to me, she said to me, I was going and I was always complaining about my hair cuts and she was like, where are you going? And I was like, oh, I'm fucking super caught today and she was like, how much is that? And I was like, like 10 bucks and she goes, how much is that shirt? And I was like, I don't know, like 50 bucks. She goes, how often do you wear it? And I was like, I don't know.

Once every couple of months. And she was like, how often do you wear your hair? I was like, every day. Yeah. She was like, why don't you just spend a little more to get a nice haircut? Like 30 bucks at Floyd's. But you look great. You look great.

And that's what tells women I care about. That means I've made an investment in myself that I give a shit. Yeah. And if I give a shit about me, I'm probably going to give a shit about you. Exactly. That's what I'm always saying. What are you guys reading right now? Well, I'm reading that you gave up, but you're married, you're both married, and you fart

in front of each other. I didn't fart you. I didn't fart you. Not in front of you. You burped in front of me twice. I farted in front of you. You farted on my bag in the living room. I did.

I did not fart in front of Sarah. Not in front of Sarah. Thank you. You will. No, you don't have to. Not this time. Okay. We had Korean barbecue.

You don't feel it. This says I gave up. Did I give up? Florida. I bought that shirt for you in 07. Let me tell you guys something. If you're wearing a t-shirt that looks like it was free, you gave up. Guys wear free t-shirts all the fucking time.

I don't understand. You're like, you're wearing a Dodger shirt, but then on the back it says Farmer John. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me right now? Free shirt. You got that. You got that to you, and you're wearing it out in public. Right. And not to bed.

You should be wearing that to bed alone. Tommy sometimes wears the shirt that he wore to bed the next day to meetings. And I had to be like, you can't do that. I have worn a shirt. You cannot. I put on a shirt. You can't. Not like this kind of shirt, but a different shirt.

The wingman shirt with the crusty armpits. I wear like a black t-shirt. I'll wear it out. I'll go to bed in it, and I'll get up the next day and go to somebody in my shirt. Yeah. I don't actually think that that's that bad because you already have a wife and stuff, but like, just so you know, guys, like when you're walking around in the wilderness, yeah, courting is different.

When you're hunting, you have to be armed with the right equipment. You cannot catch your prey with the wrong equipment. You can't go out as a hunter with a fucking BB gun and you don't have to be a free teacher and old geez mom. Guess what? If you have the right equipment, well, then you can fill her up and you can seal her shot. Now we are going to play fill her up seal her shot with Sarah Tiana, a special lovely guest who we didn't even really get into it.

That's fine. What you guys should know is also right now, writing for the Comedy Central show, The Burn with Jeff Ross. I'm also writing for Rob Rickle on Sunday's Fox Sports. I like football jokes. This girl never get used. I wrote this great joke about Arizona or Kansas City not winning last week because I couldn't execute without Jevon Belster.

Oh, shit. I don't get the joke at all. I get it. I mean. Yeah. Okay. What's this? Is this the game that we're playing?

Yeah. It's called fill her up, seal her shot. Okay. And it's seal her shot? Seal her shot. Oh, okay. If the guy fills you up with capacity and then he seals you shut with his load. Okay.

Exactly. He seals you shut. So we have a female guest finally. Yeah. So we're going to start with the guys. Okay. So would you rather be filled up or sealed shut by, this is a Southern edition. Wait.

Yeah. I don't understand what that means. And sealed shut. And sealed shut? With semen. So you're going to be filled up and sealed shut with this person's semen. Okay. The Southern person.

Uh-huh. Your choices are Kenny Rogers. Kenny Rogers in his current state with the crazy face. Right. With the pulled back tears. Yeah. Yeah. Or Emeril Lugasi.

Whoa. Bam. Bam. I'm going for the gambler. Kenny Rogers. Wow. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah.

First of all, Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton have the greatest Christmas album ever. Okay. Okay. I love Dolly. I love Dolly. Hard Candy Christmas. The best ever. And Kenny Rogers is fucking the best.

He's the best. So you're doing it. Are you doing it more for the story? Like. Yeah. I actually used to work with his sons. Really? On bluecollarcomedy.com or whatever.

Both of his sons worked there with me and I was like, you gotta introduce me to your dad. And then Clinton. Yes. Pickens his friends with his manager and agreed to have Kenny Rogers do a bit with this in like a music video. Shit. He's a fucking cool guy. So.

So you might actually have a chance to get filled up. And Emeril, he's like Cajun. I'm not interested. See, that's what I was worried about, that he wasn't really Southern. No. He's like New Orleans Cajun. It's like weird. It's not the same as Southern.

Southern. Come on. It is Southern, but it's different. It's like French Southern. Yeah. When you bring France into the South, go fuck yourself. There you go. See?

You fucking commies. All right. Well, there you have it. You don't understand. He's a Pinko. So personally, I like, I like a little sub need after I'm done. Yeah. So I'm taking Emeril.

I knew you. I knew it. I fucking knew it. Seal me shut. I want him to scream bam as he's filling the up. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Yeah. I would have sex with Paula Bean before Emeril.

Whoa. And your son in the same room watching. Holy shit. That's kind of weird and psyched. I'm a little drunk right now. So I'm saying that's psychic that you say that because actually the other filter up silver shot. The women were doing Paula Dean or Carney Wills.

Wow. That's Southern enough for you. Carney Wilson is not Southern enough. For sure. Dolly Parton is like Southern. See, but you would have picked a lady when I thought Dolly would just, it's too. When you see the light coming is everyone will pick Dolly. She's too rad.

Yeah. Everybody loves Dolly Parton. You could have said Julia Roberts. She's from Georgia. Is she? But she's not a singer. We tried to. She's awful person.

What? Is she? Why? Yeah. What happened? We never seen her give a speech. Like when she presents an award, she makes it about herself. No.

It's so obnoxious. Oh, I worked with this guy forever. I love him. This award goes to Denzel Washington. You know, it's like, are you serious? I'm serious. When she presents for somebody else. She's going to call him out on the Oscars and be like, happy birthday, Betty.

And you're like, are you, are you, who the fuck are you? Right. Shut the fuck up. Like she's so amazing. I would rather hear Sean Penn talk about politics. No, that's the worst. It's the worst. But I'm just saying that that's like, I would rather hear that than her wishing a happy

birthday to whoever she is. Right. She's like, she just takes her moments as if they're her own. I hear you. And she's like, I'm a fascinating, I'm not a fascinating person. I just have a fascinating job. And it's like, ugh, you just want to talk about yourself. Go back to Tauce.

And with your, with your hippie children. Anyways, I would take Paula Deen because butter is a great lubricant. And if we're going to be bumping rugs, you know, we've got to, we've got to have an easy slide. Baby lock, then maybe pinch my tits and pull my dick real hard. Baby lock them doors, baby lock them doors, baby lock them doors, baby lock them doors, baby lock them doors, baby lock them doors, baby lock them doors, baby lock them doors, baby lock them doors. That's so great. Oh my God.

I feel like I'm such a good singer right now. You are. You're killing it. So. Yeah. I'm going to choose, I'm going to agree with Sarah here. I don't. You choose Paula Deen?

Well, here's why. Carney Wilson, when she was a great big fruit person. I liked her. And then. But then she did that whole thing where she televised when she got her stomach thing. I know. That's disgusting. I felt that was like.

One of her four stomach staples. Too much. Yeah. Too much. Like why are you televising? Right. This is too personal. Come on.

There's has to be some boundaries somewhere. No, it's money. It's disgusting. Yeah. So someone has to pay for that. And can I tell you why? Because I feel like she would sit you down and talk about her feelings nonstop. Like it's the Carney Wilson therapy hour every hour of her life.

They're obviously confused. They had two songs that were hits. One was called Hold On. The other one's called Release Me. It's like figure it out. Figure it out. Look at you. Call them out, man.

Huge fans. So Paula Deen and then after she can make me like a bacon maple log or whatever. A brisket waffle. I'm definitely. Fuck yeah. You know, she's really going to take care of me. I feel like. Paula.

I think she'd really, she really knows how to make you feel like a man. I just made chicken and dumplings from scratch the other day. It was like the best day ever. I bought a whole chicken at the farmer's market and I made yeast dumplings so that they're chewy. I love those. We need to find like a Southern gentleman. Maybe a Southern transplant to L.A.

See this guy that I was dating in San Diego is like a really good cook. He's in law school and like he would always cook like swordfish and crab legs for me and stuff that is like apartments. But then he just like disappeared. Well, swordfish isn't a fish. It's got worms in it. Anthony Bourdain tells you that. Anthony Bourdain will eat anything.

Yeah. He would eat that candle, right? Fuck that guy. He would eat that weird fucking picture behind you. It's like a creepy girl looking over your shoulder. That creepy girl? Can I tell you this? So there's a picture in our...

Wait, so just for the record though. Wait, it's hideous. No, just for the record though. It's not hideous. It's just creepy. It's creepy. We all agreed, Paula Deen. Is that right?

Yeah, I'm sorry. Do you have something prepared? No, we have to make sure that they know the poll is up so they can go vote at this point. They can go to facebook.com, like the Your Moms House podcast fan page and you can vote Paula Deen or Carney Wilson or for the men, Kenny Rogers. Kenny Emerald. The gambler. Hey, yo.

Hey, yo. Listen. Hey, yo. Listen. Okay, so the first thing Sarah said. I know as soon as I sat down behind Christina there is this stretch canvas painting of a little blonde girl holding baby's breath flowers in a white dress. And it kind of looks like the girl from, oh, fucking, the movie where they in the swimming

pool with the- Is that Children of the Corn? Poltergeist? Poltergeist, yes. And Carrie Ann. Carrie Ann. In the light. It definitely looks like Carrie Ann from Poltergeist holding baby's breath like she was at your

waist. I don't care to explain. Well, okay, so this is actually one of the reasons I'm in therapy. This is- Which I brought you to the therapist. You did. Thank you. Oh, you did.

I recommended you. Yeah, guys, thank you. Oh, I forgot about that. Thank you so much. You're welcome. You changed my life. You're welcome. So this painting, one of my dad's many, many, many hoes.

Children? Oh. No. So he would date all these hoes in the valley and this one woman who really tried to get into his heart did it through commissioning this terrible artist to do a painting of me from a photograph. That's you. That's her.

Shut the fuck up. But it's not me because if you'll look, the eyes are kind of Asian and I look a little downsy. It's not really a good- Well, that's how you look in real life. That's how you look in real life. Let's just be honest, Christie. How dare you?

Like, we're trying to be blunt here. How dare you? We're trying to be more honest and direct as women. How dare you? We're friends. But quite possibly this is the worst representation of me I've ever seen. And so my father- You're a little doubt.

You have all the shits out. I would buy that from you. It's the best, right? Can I buy that? It's so shitty. He took the frame off of it. So he saved the frame. He saved the frame.

And he goes, you want this? I'm like, do I want this? I don't know. It was in the garage for years. So I took it. It's terrible. It's been hanging in my house. You do have almond-shaped eyes.

I think it's that. I'm not like that. Can I tell you that? I look Chinese in this thing. I have so many of those kinds of paintings in my house because I go to the Goodwill and shop for paintings because I feel like as a comic, you ever know that people are- Excuse me, I just burp. Sarah.

Whenever you have a joke and you stop doing it because you think it's awful, and then people are like, why don't you do that joke about it? And then you're like, but that was awful. And I feel like that's what artists do with their paintings sometimes. They just go like, this is stupid. This is so dumb. I'm throwing it away. And then I go to the Goodwill and I'm like, this is fucking amazing.

This speaks to me. Like, I don't always buy. I go in like every few weeks. This dick joke is good. Yeah. I got this one painting that looks like Alyssa Milano. I have one that looks like this like Arab tomb. I just feel like it's so phenomenal that as an artist, like we all throw our material

away. And I find it really incredible that painters are the same as us, honestly, and they throw their material away, just like songs or absolutely whatever it is. Well, I don't know if you've admired the piece of artwork behind you, but this macro, it's made for them. No joke, Sarah. That is her most prized possession. It's a building.

It's not a Tyrannosaurus wreck. Yes. And if this house were to catch fire, that's the one thing I would grab. So this thing was made by a tweaker in San Francisco. Of course. And it's entirely made of edible things. It's beans and pasta and it's a Tyrannosaurus wreck. Lentils.

Sure, lentils. Yeah. A T-Rex eating a woman's head. Quinoa. Quinoa. Quinoa. Quinoa. And it's my most prized possession.

It's a T-Rex eating a woman's head. Yes. And I paid $300 for it in 1996, which was a fortune. Yeah. In 96, that is a fortune. And it still is. I actually remember you telling me that story and agreeing that it was a good purchase. Well worth it.

It makes me hungry. You want to play one more game? Yeah. Oh, there's a game? Okay. More games. This is more. I mean, you know, it's not really.

Stop playing games with me. You guys. Serious. Uh-oh. You guys didn't even like me when you first met me. We didn't talk about that. You tell the story, Tommy. You're better than that.

What? You really have to tell that story because I feel like that's what we should have opened with. I know. I knew Christina and Tom for at least five years before I knew they were dating. At least five. We all started comedy around the same time. We all started comedy.

I've been doing it 10 years. So I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. So we all and I would see them at different rooms, but I never saw them together. Right. Because these and I thought that you hated her, Tommy, you thought that I hated her and then I thought that you did.

Right. So what would happen was if I saw Sarah out, I would just not mention that in the, in the way that I would like normally would like, Oh, I was over at, you know, the improv and I saw it. I would just be like, yeah, I was there. I don't know. I would mention whoever else I saw. Yeah.

Even if like I predominantly talked to her. Right. I just better leave that fucking. You kept it out of the conversation. Yeah. No, why did she get that? I hated her. I don't remember.

I don't. That's the part I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. You remember why you hated me. I think it was that's the thing is that it was our imagination or something. Because what happened was the one time that like, I think one time I was like, it was like unavoidable.

I was like, yeah, I saw Tiana in his house and you said something like, Oh my God, I love her. How is she? Yeah. And then you're like, what? I go, you love her. And you're like, yeah, I love Sarah T. And I was like, really? Yeah.

I love you forever. I love her too. I was like, I've been keeping her a secret for years. Right. I think it's because we maybe have mixed her up with somebody else or something. I'm sure. There's lots of people. A lot of times people have preconceived notions, but it was never like that because I, you

know, from my like, I knew you, like I said, from when we started, we're always like super friendly. It was, it was part of like, you're part of like what I consider like, like my circle. Yeah. The group. Yeah. Our class. So I was always like, I always had nothing but like, you know, good thoughts and feelings

about you. And I was like, Sarah's great. And I have, I swear to God, I would, I thought that you did not like her. I think that you make, maybe I'd mixed her up in my head because this is way early. This is, this is, we're, there are a lot of Sarah's in comedy at that time. Well, Tom and I have been together for eight years. And so we've been doing Senate for 10 years, which means that he and I met two years right right right of the game.

Yeah. So that means I think I mixed you up with somebody else. Right. And so that's, I just didn't know your name at the time. You thought that I didn't like her? Yeah. Cause I thought you had been like, yeah, fuck the story. That chick sucks or something.

Right. The story you told me was that you went home after we did the funniest female in like, oh my God. And you went home because we just hung out there that night because it was so awful. Right. And we were like, why are these people even in the contest because clearly we're funnier than everybody. Right.

And you went home and you're like, God, I love Sarah Tiana. And then Tom was like, I love Sarah Tiana too. Like what? That's the story you told me. That's right. And I always find that so fascinating. Yeah. Cause I had no idea that you guys were dating.

Like zero. That was back in the day though. That was like, oh five. We just started. Neither of you would tell me about the other one because you thought the other one hated me. That's true. That's right.

And you told me about Tom because she was like, Tom doesn't like Sarah. Yeah. And now when I was wearing nice jeans and converse and white t-shirts, getting ready for your MTV meeting. That's right. There you go. Looking good on the town. But then of course, in the end of the day, we find out that we both love Sarah T and

how could you know? And I love you both. And I was like shocked that either of you would think that someone wouldn't like me. It was a case of mistake that I did. Oh, we're all doing this. Omega. Is that Omega? Yeah.

I love it. Okay. Is there another game? Yeah. Are you ready? I love this part. Ready? It's going to kick in here.

This is my favorite part. Ready? I'm a little drunk. Oh yeah. Very good. Oh, it's so good. Gets me every time. All right.

A little game. A Canadian made that. It's so good. It's really rad. So this is classic, would you rather? Okay. Now, Sarah T joined us back when we first did your mom's house like two years ago. Oh yeah.

When you were out of town. Very big time. Right after we came back from Afghanistan. Oh, shit. Yeah, it was right then. Traumatized. Traumatized. And being at the holidays just passed.

Correct. Because Christmas is over. Maybe we should start with like the classic. This is possibly the most seminal, would you rather, in your mom's house history? What does seminal mean? It's the beginning of. Okay. It's that which the seed of everything else comes.

So this is the most monumental one and we're going to give it to you today. Oh, thanks. So Tommy, go ahead. It's Christmas morning. The entire Sarah Tiana family clan is there. All seven of us. Jim, Bob, Joe, George, Susie Q, Bobbie Lou. Bobbie Lou, Bobbie Lou, Randy Dale.

They're all there. Randy Dale. Two first names all. They're all there. Grandparents, uncles, aunts, everybody. Christmas presents are under the tree and they're about to open presents. So you have to say, you have to get everybody into the living room say right before we open presents.

I have something to show you guys. Announcement. They all gather up and on the TV you have a DVD and you put it in and you play it for the whole family. Would you rather the DVD be you masturbating to completion? And at the end you say, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Or you are on your knees and 10 homeless men line up and they masturbate onto you.

Are they black? They are. Okay. Then the first one. What? Wow. So quick. That's pretty easy.

It's an easy answer. Wow. If they're black, I can't do. I'm not allowed. Oh, because it's Georgia. What if it's Tyler Perry? I tricked you. Successfully black.

I tricked you. What if they're white homeless guys? Yeah. The white homeless, are they on welfare? My family hates welfare. They are on welfare. Yeah, then no. The first one.

So also white gets rejected. Also white gets rejected if they're on welfare because I'll just masturbate to completion. My point out that that was my original answer. That was your answer. Yes. And Christina was the other camp. Can I tell you why I'm the other camp? I feel like masturbating in front of your parents, it's an act of, it's got guilt and

shame because you're doing it to yourself. But if someone does something to you, you're not a fault. You're a victim. I can help with it. Ten guys, Bacocky me. They just did this to me. Whereas the other one is like, I'm a fucking pervert. Everybody watch me masturbate.

But don't you think that like if I'm thinking about my family while I'm doing it, it's sensitive. It means that I love them more. I love them more. Oh, so you're thinking of your mom and dad. I'm thinking about my mom and dad being together while I masturbate. Okay. So gross. I can't believe you guys reel me into these fucking conversations.

It's so awful. Okay, give her another one. Okay. Well, I'm sorry. You're right. Let's do this one. Can I just say it really quick though? Every time we have Christmas, my dad, whatever my dad is around and the whole family, while

we're passing out presents, my dad always makes us listen to John Denver's Please Daddy Don't Get Drunk This Christmas. It's the song that he put on first thing first in the morning. Like it's the first thing we have to listen to in the morning. And then my dad drinks Bloody Mary's after we open presents. That's really nice. What's the, do you guys have Christmas music? Tommy, that your family always listens to.

No, no. I mean, I'm sure. It's just fart meows. Maria will probably put on something Latin. Right. Something like that. Aye. Aye, mommy.

Apope. Aye. My dad plays German music. He likes to play D flip bills. Oh, the Jews. There's this song. It goes. Kling, kling, kling, kling, kling, kling.

And then we all, yeah, you all sit around and pray that the Holocaust happens again. Right. Right. Right. Okay. Ready? Would you rather? Would rather.

Now this one's customized for you. Really? This is so much thought we put into this episode. Okay. This is for you, dude. This is 10 minutes before I got here. So the Dixie Chicks. I know you're a huge fan.

Huge fan. Like, have you seen Shut Up and Sing? No. It's probably the best documentary I've ever seen. Okay. And first of all, I love the Dixie Chicks because they play lots of instruments. I love the Dixie Chicks. Okay.

Like, that's also why I like Mumford because they have a fiddle in a banjo. I love that. What's Mumford? Mumford Incense. Do you recognize this jam? Mm-hmm. Wide open spaces. Okay.

Is this your favorite song? BAM! BAM! Do you like this one? BAM! Let me just sing it. Okay. Who doesn't know what I'm talking about?

This is the best documentary I've ever seen. Okay. And first of all, I love the Dixie Chicks because they play lots of instruments and I like a fiddle in a banjo at all times. This is the best documentary I've ever seen. Who doesn't like us? Who never looks out. Baby, lock them doors.

Baby, lock them doors. That's not it. Oh, my thick, real heart. To find a dream and a love of their own. A place in the clouds, a damnation of joy. A Dalmatian of joy. That you see and many will follow. All right.

We're speaking our language now. Okay. The South. The South again. I'll secede and fuck black presidents. Yeah. Go for it. All right.

Tell her. Tell her what's up. Okay. So the Dixie Chicks. Chick-fil-a, cracker-barrel. You are the Dixie Chicks personal person. What, sweetheart? I can't get over it.

I said Sam Perkins. It's a basketball player. Amazing. You're a phenomenal human being. You know so much about history. Okay. Dixie Chicks. Sorry.

This is a fun one. Okay. So the Dixie Chicks. You are their personal cum dog. Okay. Wow. You act like you know what a cum dog is. I don't know what a cum dog is, but I'm just going with it.

That's the way to be. That is the way to be. What is a cum dog? Did you want to play the audio so that she can kind of wrap her head around? No, no, no. Please don't play it. Just tell me what it is. Just tell me what it is.

A cum dog is... Don't play it. I'm not. I like to hear in the Dixie Chicks in the back. It makes you feel safe. Okay. Okay. You're safe.

That's basically like a dog because you have them on a leash. You tie them up outside. Usually they wear a collar. They got a bow. And they're just there to satisfy your sexual needs. And basically they drink cum. Okay. So a female cum dog.

That's how you feed them. You feed them. Okay. You got it. And they wear a funnel. And the funnel collects all the cum. And then they can't lick their butt after. Right.

They just pay. They can't lick their wound from getting neutered. Right. So you're the Dixie Chicks personal cum dog. I'm their cum dog. Right. They're spraying their... They're rubbing...

They're not my cum dog. No, no, no. They're the cum dog. The three of them are spraying into your mouth. Yeah. Emily, Natalie. What is it called? They're squirters.

Yeah. I know their names. Okay. Emily, Natalie, and Kombucha. And you're the ones that they do. Okay. Kombucha is tea. Okay.

So either that or... Either their cum dog. Okay. I'm listening. We thought of this during barbecue earlier. It's so stupid. Or Kenny Rogers. You're...

Kenny Rogers, it's your full-time job. Every time. I can't even look at you when I say this. Kenny, every time... Look me in the fucking eye, Christina. Every... Yeah. Do it.

It's so much fun. No. It's not fair if you don't. Every time. Every time. Uh-huh. Kenny Rogers. Every time.

Every time. Kenny Rogers. Ah, this shit. Mm-hmm. You're there. You're there and you open your mouth and you accept his shit in your mouth. In my mouth? No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. Do it. No. No. No. No. No. IGgie's barbecue.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. What is this from? This is from Return of the Come Dog. Yeah. This is a dick. Oh.

All right. I'm just going to remind you that I have not seen that. It's a really good movie. Thank you. I don't need that kind of stuff to turn me on. Thank you. I just like literally, like literally when I masturbate, I have to think of actual scenarios. Really?

Yeah. Like real life scenarios, like that I would be in in order. But they're fantasies. Fantasies of guys that I actually go on dates with or like want to go on dates with. Wow. So Come Dog Millionaire, not my thing. That's a good movie. There you go.

Good movie. You're the man now. Come Dog Millionaire. Come Dog Millionaire. Oh, Jesus. I hate you guys so much. I literally drove two hours to come out here and listen to you guys fart and shit in front of me and burp.

And then I have to be like, I have to be like the mom. Like, stop. Well, did you like Junior High? Because you're in it again. No. Welcome back to Junior High. Welcome to Cutter. Okay.

So here's the thing, Dixie Chick, is that if you're there, come down. I'm there. Come Dog for sure. But you're full time. Like there's no, there's no writing for Jeff Ross on the, on the burn. There's no career. You're just there to sexually play. But you're on tour.

You're on tour. So the cool thing is that there are three of them so I can divvy it out and. Divvy it out. You're here with all three service, all three fully, huh? I would love this gig, by the way. It's a Dixie Chick versus Kenny Rogers shit in my mouth. I'm sorry, but Kenny Rogers shit is going to be full of plastic and that's really unhealthy college. And is anybody gonna choose Kenny hoje?

No, it's gonna, I would matter. It's sad, Michelle Obama or hail er Kilicorn who I adore and that was her. I would still be like, no, no. It's tick. I would take Kenny Rogers and here's why why? Always a counterpoint. Well, she likes to prove the counterpoint. Because Kenny, look, if he's a normal person like I am.

You gotta know when to hold it, right? Know when to hold it. Kenny, Kenny shits once a day. Okay, that means I gotta fly to Texas. He's regular. Or wherever he is. He lives here in LA. Oh, what the fuck is this?

It's a fucking trip north. He takes a real amount of shit. I don't give a fuck. I have to eat it. He shits in my mouth. I throw it in the toilet and then I'm back to my day. I'm back with my husband at night. Good night.

You know what I mean? Set your alarm for the morning because, you know, Kenny likes to shit at eight. And also brush your teeth. Also brush your teeth. What are you? What are you quick? Use a wisp. Do you think Kenny's on a strict diet?

Like a vegan, juicing LA thing or that's just a man. You know, as a guy, he's got to be like 70 or something. He's a cannibal. He's probably eating human beings. Children who audition for him. I bet he has. He has a rough shit. I bet.

I bet it hurts when he shits. Sure. He's got to be on so many medications that he just has diarrhea. And so you're going to have to like wipe the outside of it. It's like not going to come into your mouth really easily. Like it's going to be all over and you have to pick it up. She's right. Yeah.

Wait a minute. Doesn't Kenny have a line of barbecue restaurants? No. It's going to be rough. Kenny Rogers roasters. You mean the chicken place? Yeah. Doesn't he?

Now they're Boston markets. Oh, is that right? And the Boston markets. All right. Shut up about the Boston markets already. It's fucking chicken. Your mouth is open. Your mouth is open and fucking diarrhea.

Stop doing that. Why do you have to have a sound effect for everything? It is everything. It's not that many. You have a. It's like you have a backup dancer. So much fun. Who just played.

It's like you have like a studio PA who just plays shit. And Howard Stern, he's like, it's so ridiculous. It's, you know, it's what we do. I would take the diarrhea in the mouth. I want, I can have a life. I can have a career. I can have a husband with diarrhea in your mouth. Absolutely.

You tell him to wear a nice shirt to MTV and you're going to come with diarrhea. Yeah, I can brush my teeth. I can drink. I can put a listerine in my mouth. I can't believe it. Why do people have to have these conversations? Why can't we just talk about Cracker Barrel? You would take the Dixie Chicks time.

Absolutely. Do you want Kenny Rogers? Shit. Scattered. Smothered. Smothered. I want the three Dixie Chicks. Smothered.

I do too. Spray in their boxes. Sorry, but Natalie Mainz is a hero and she's married to the guy from Heroes. Okay. Well, I've got one more. Adrian Pazdar. I've got one more. Oh my God.

Cause like, I think it's so silly. And I, this one's. This is over like half an hour ago. No, it's a silly. Okay. This is another one? I asked this to, um, Brody, Steven Brody Stevens. Would you rather eat cat food or dog food?

And you have to do it for a year to live. For a year to live. Yeah. Cat food or dog food? I don't really know what the difference is. Wow. Well, I would say cat food cause it comes in a smaller can. See?

There you go. I choose that too. Cause it's seafood flavors. Yeah. And they had, sometimes that fancy piece has shrimp in it. I give that to my cat. Tommy snorting like a pig. The thing is cats or dogs.

You can't bring a pig into this. I think we do take dog food. Dog food for sure. Why? It's just, it's, I think it's a little easier to digest. You like dog biscuit. You just like biscuits. I mean, I think that they're probably easier.

Really? Because there's less cat food. They just have pellets and you could swallow them. Really? No, no, I'm sorry. It's wet. It's wet canned food. And then also like fancy piece comes in a very small can.

And it is seafood. It is like real fish. So it's kind of like sushi. It's natural for you. It's a natural. Sushi, but with disgusting cum sauce. It's a good selling point right there. I have to pee so bad.

Go piss. Look, this is it. This is the show. This song we're going to leave you on was actually chosen for Sarah. It was. I feel so special. We picked this just for you. All right.

Thank you for coming. Thanks for doing the show. Please come again. Please come again. In my apartment. Send Sarah tea a birthday. Please. Oh my God.

In Hollywood. Go to yourmomshousepodcast.com shop for her there. All right. We love you. Bye. Bye. Bye bye. I live back in the woods you see.

A woman and the kids and the dogs and me. I got a shop going to rival in a four wheel drive and a country boy can survive. Country boys can survive. Country boys can survive. Country boys can survive. Country boys can survive. Country boys can survive. Because you can't talk about and you can't make a run.

Country boys can survive. Country boys can survive. Country boys can survive. Country boys can survive. Country boys can survive. Country boys can survive. Country boys can survive. Country boys can survive.

Country boys can survive. Because you can't talk about and you can't make a run. Don't give a damn. We're from North California and South Alabama and little towns all around this land. We can scan a book and run a trot line and a country boy can survive. Country boys can survive.