Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - The Best Sex Life w/ Andrew Santino | Your Mom's House Ep.692

Episode Date: January 25, 2023

Watch Andrew Santino’s Standup Comedy Special “Cheeseburger” streaming now on Netflix! SPONSORS:- Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to get $200 off ANY mattress of your choice.- Grab your Liquid I.V. in bulk nationwide at Costco or you can get 20% off when you go to http://LiquidIV.com and use code HOUSE at checkout Welcome back to the Mommy Dome with Tom Segura and Christina P and we are still recovering from Charo’s recent visit. We watch some clips about pronouns/gender, discuss #BurpGate, and Tom announces David Wolter the Eerie weatherman has accepted his basketball challenge. We then welcome comedian, podcaster and actor, Andrew Santino! Go watch his special “Cheeseburger” on Netflix now! They talk about weird fan interactions, working with Bobby Lee, we watch a clip of a cool girl going over her sex stats for the year, discuss Prince Harry getting frostbite on his Cory and having sex abroad. The Mommies introduce Santino to Sam’s Tailor, watch a girl on TikTok who apparently didn’t kill her brother, and review Christina’s latest TikTok curations.   https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

Could you cuck? Oh. Yeah. Good eye. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good eye.

I'm really into trophy wifing. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. You go out and you bang like 30, whatever you do, and then you come back and you tell me, I'm like, oh, that's hot. And then... Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

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We're here. You know, can I tell you something? I think you and I are still exhausted from the last episode. Let's be honest. That is, that was a lot. Okay. That was a lot. Listen, we were with Charo for how many days total, Tom?

Well, I actually, I wrote it down and it is a total of... You wrote it down. I did. 144 days. Because every day, every hour is fucking dog years. Man. That's a lot. Yeah.

Can I... Look. How did my dad do this? I don't know. How the fuck did he do it? Can I just tell the audience that the minute she left the building, you went to sleep. She left our house and you had to spend the entire day sleeping. That's how...

Man, my stomach was fucked up for three and a half days. I think I'm still in it. You're so depleted from the emotional vampirism. I know. Hey, I know. I get it. My mother was the same way. I used to just talk to my mom for 15 minutes on the phone and I'd have to lie down for

like three days after. We'll get into it. And cry. So awful. We should get into it in a moment. Yeah. Let's do a proper show open. Yep.

Something fun. Get the... Is that too mean? Now I feel bad. I was so... No, not at all. Not at all. No, no.

She doesn't watch the internet, right? She does. She does. Hey, mom. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Let's just...

Hey. Okay. Here you go. That's a lot. I got fat shamed into losing weight. Maybe you'll get personality shamed into... Getting into therapy. Getting into therapy.

Here we go. He... What's your pronouns? I'm a male. I'm a man. I'm a heat. I don't get into that mentally ill stuff. I'm Zezer.

What do you feel about that? I'm a real ill-ness. Oh, that's wrong. Don't bring in one of them for this. Don't burn me in the fucking stand! Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura.

Tom Sussis. And Kristina Pajitzi. Man, I'm so sick. Welcome to your mom's house. I might have to be my new... Preparation name. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. ?... Tori. Tori. I could not love this gender stuff more. It is the highlight of this decade has been the idea that there are multiple genders

and you can just pick one, roll with it. I know. It's so fun. Just pick it. And it is fun that the fun thing about this clip is actually that it's for most people probably strikes them as a curveball because what you think that this three toothed red Nick is going to say is, what? Yeah.

You know? He's like. But he's actually very aware, like I don't, I didn't think that he knew what the word pronoun meant. Yeah. So that's where I thought this was going. And then he'd be like, a what? And then he's actually like, I don't mess with this mental illness.

Mental illness. Yeah, he's very lucid. Goodness. I don't get into that. Mentally ill stuff. How cogent. Moppa. Pomp-pomp.

Pomp-pomp. Nory. Cause that's not confusing at all for kids. Could you imagine if we tried to explain that to our kids that I'm Moppa, we're gender neutral. Yeah. I know. This is kind of crazy.

I'm gender neutral, Tom. Yeah. I think, by the way, to go back to what we were saying, the Charo update. We're still traumatized. Well. For days. I think that, you know, a lot of people obviously who watched that episode, you know, that clip is, that moment is a lot.

And it's like that, that 10 minutes of that is something that I have done 40,000 times. So when you see me going like, yeah, fuck is it? It's because I've done that over and over and over. And there's bits and pieces of it that still make me crazy, you know, that like, like it's, it might seem like a small detail that you just want to use, well, you know, but like, you know, when you came and you yelled at me at the table and it's like, what, I didn't yell at you. Oh, yes.

You did. And I have a witness. Yeah. So that's like, so then you go, well, I know the witness is my witness too. And then when you hear the person validate your side, she dismisses that person. How much are you paying her? It's like this whole game where you just, I don't know, you just want to rip your own eyes out.

You know? It's constant gaslighting and a constant denial of reality and accountability. And then when there is an admission of fault, like if you go back to that whole conversation, okay, I'm wrong. It's not a real admission of fault. You know what? You guys are ganging up on me. So I'll just tap out here.

And it does make you go crazy. It's an insult to her. It's an insult to her. It's not like, oh, did I do something that upset you? She takes it personally. It is kind of a fascinating thing to study. Oh, yeah. Well, like I said, my mom wasn't too far off from this behavior, but I didn't have anyone

to bounce off. Which makes it crazier. So I was like, oh, maybe I am the one that's messed up. Maybe I am bad. So then by the time I was 14, I was suicidal because of that shit where you're like, oh, I guess who's reality. So I understand your rage. And that's, I 100% understand your rage because it's so maddening.

You're like, how are you, what's, and to go back to the whole, like the origin of it all. It's like the story, her version of storytelling is what's enraging, right? But also the story of like, you're the villain, but also she was like, you know, I just want this thing. Everybody, you were like, yeah, your friends were like, yeah, it's like, even all that's not, none of that is true. None of it's true.

So we like, this is a real story is she was like, I have to ask you for something. And I was like, what? And she's like, I found a necklace and I'm like, okay, this is like after eight days in Hawaii that I invited her and she's like, it's this much. I was like $300. She's like $3,000. I'm like, is that $3,000 necklace? And I'm like, all right.

And then my friends who she referred to were like, why do you need that? Not her like, and she has like complete deniability of that. She's like, that's not what they said. It's like, it's very, you know, very clearly they were like, why would you need that? Yeah. And she was like, don't say that. It's so crazy that, and then she finally got it. And I was like, go get whatever you want.

Right? Yeah. Like when you go, just get whatever you want. And then at that breakfast, she was like, I go, where's the necklace? I'm going to give it to Christina and I'm like, I don't know why I don't want the necklace. I don't need it. Right. But I'm like, but why?

I'm good. Why did you ask me for something that two days later you're going to give away? I don't, I don't get this. So I think what that is is guilt, right? She realizes that she overstepped maybe and then in an effort to repair it, she's going to repent and give it to me, which I have zero skin in this game. Like I don't want it. I'm fine.

I'm good. So she finds a way to redeem it maybe. I don't know, but it's a real cycle, dude. It's something else. And then look, I feel like I feel like I have to like make a point that like she, she is I love my mom. I want people to think that I love my mom and she has great qualities and she is a good mom and she's can be very sweet and, and you know, she is a blast to hang around at times

and she's very, she's very funny and she's fun, but like there are, everybody has a dynamic with their parents. Oh yeah. That's different. And then, you know, if you're lucky, you have two parents right in this world and you have different relationships with each one. And mine, my whole life has always been more complicated with my mom, but it's not that I don't love her.

I do love her. You know, I do love my mom, but it's kind of fascinating to me to have a story like this captured in this way. So lucky with the third person, like with the witness who goes like, I can't defend you on this. Well, probably because it's the first time that's ever happened that you have it on tape and then your, and your sister's here and it's all recorded and documented. Like, you know, you're right this time, bro.

You're right. You're right. And I haven't heard from her since then. I should say that. Uh-oh. I wonder why. She's probably upset about it. A little bit.

Yeah. It's so fascinating too, because like you just said, I think everybody has these with their parents. Yeah, they do. It's like your parents created the wiring in you that creates the rage later where you're like, this fucking thing again, and you just go through it. Well, it is another fascinating point is my mom used to, a lot of times growing up, do this, right?

Yeah. Right? And what it would lead to in the conversation was me exploding. And then she would go, you know, you have a real anger problem. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Well, you just go like, I was always over the mindset. I was like, this is, I didn't go like, am I wrong? I didn't think like that.

Yeah, you knew it. Yeah. I knew that she was doing it. And then my dad was just so chill. I don't know how he did it. Chill or checked out? Both. I think you might be in another dimension just to deal with this.

Was he not on drugs or? No. I don't know how. I don't know how. I don't know either. I don't know either. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know, man. But it was like, it's a crazy thing. I mean, all these years too, I was just doing this podcast, you know, like people have gotten to know my family to a degree. Oh, yeah. And that was like real insight into a part of it. I know. You know?

It's so complicated. It is complicated because you love them and then they make you so crazy. Yeah. It's like. Well, the dad thinks that foreign parents are complicated. So 100% because they carry with them from their own country, the trauma of the bullshit they grew up in. Yeah.

And then they come here and they realize that they can't, they can put their, they don't ever realize, sorry, they can just put their shoulder down. Yeah. The shit operates different around these parts. You don't have to be so vigilant and you're out of danger now. You're in America. You're okay. Yeah.

There's no, they never call. You have to almost make the point that like, of course, there's danger in America. Yeah. There's, you're not, you're not in the place that you're came from right now. Right. The KGB is not going to come and take you away in the middle of the night because you spoke out against the government and put you in a gulok. Don't say that in front of Sam Tripoli, but I understand what you're saying.

Yeah, it's just. Did you have crazy shit like that with yours? Yeah, of course. Oh yeah. Like there's, there's times where I had like friends are over for dinner and they're just like, dude, you guys, you talk to your mom in a really crazy way. And I'm like, what are you talking about? That was us like on our best behavior because you were here for dinner.

Because you were what? Aggressive to your mom? Like everyone's aggressive towards everyone. Like I come from a family of Israelis, like that's just how that's our love language is anger. Anger. Anger. It's true.

Did it strike you as like, was there insight from you in watching that? Yeah, because like my mom has a line that she uses to negate or gaslight anything that you would disagree with. So like, so if like, she was like, oh, but Nadav you were so mean to me. I'm like, say the sentence where I was mean to you, like Nadav, you said it with your eyes. Oh yeah. So it's like, that's the line that she uses when she can't like contextually like lawyer

me in an argument. Well, and it's because they don't see reality. They only see their version of reality because they're so wounded. They're so messed up. She doesn't see anything wrong with her. She really actually, you watch that and you realize that she was like, I was ganged up on here. Right.

You guys are all that. And then she's like, your guys are ganging up on me. How much are you paying Jane? Like everyone's out to get me. You know, it's a crazy thing. Instead of, hey, I think maybe my son is hurt. I think I may have hurt my son's feelings. Oh no, never.

Maybe I should explore, did I offend? And also, what I used to get to was, if we did get to a point of like, she needs to see you like, if I were emotionally traumatized by it, like in a pool of tears, well, no, she would go, you know, I'm sorry that I hurt you, but it was never my intention. So it diminishes your culpability a bit because the intention wasn't there. Yeah. To get you. I don't know.

It's endlessly fascinating. And I actually, when you say this, it makes, it reminds me of the fact that when I was a kid and like, like real white American kids came over, I'm talking like corn fed to American parents. Yeah. A lot of times they would leave my house like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck was that?

Yeah. They really thought she was from another dimension. Yeah. You know, that's why I never could date like cracker white men ever because I can't take people home to that chaos of like, what is this? Yeah. My mom used to, used to torment me, like getting me to admit that I'm a piece of shit until I would start crying.

And then when the tears came out, then she felt better. And then it was like, all right, let me put you back together again. And then she felt like the hero for tearing me down and then put it, it was fucking psychotically evil. It's damage people, damage, right? Yeah. Like they're so wounded, they can't even see that you have emotional needs. Yeah.

It's pretty, I don't know. It's a lot, right? It's, it's fine. It's good. It makes you funny. Makes you do a good podcast. As a non-binary person who presents woman, my relationship with the word girl is very complicated.

Obviously. With some people, if they call me girl as like a colloquial term, it's fine. Like I'm with my girl or hey girl, what's up? But for me, I'm only comfortable using that word for me. And this is my perspective. If they understand and respect the full extent of my gender identity. I'll have to, oh my God, I have to understand the full, that could take years. I personally identify as both a woman and non-binary.

I have a video on it. Check it out. So if someone knows that about me and also respects that about me, he goes, hey girl, I'm okay with them saying, hey girl, because they're not saying, hey, you're a girl. But if someone who doesn't know that I'm non-binary or doesn't know the full extent of my gender identity calls me girl, hey girl, I don't like it. Because I don't know them well enough to know if they're saying, hey friend, hey, what's up?

Or, hey, you're a girl, hi girl, hi woman. Because I don't know them. I don't know if they, I don't know if they get it. Mental illness. Can I tell you something? I want to say that this girl grew up in a home where the, did the parents like support every fucking dumb thought that came out of her head? Is that what that is?

I feel like if you come from like our type of family, you don't grow up to be this. You don't go like, I mean, you guys have to watch that video on my fucking pronoun. It's funny that we're talking about- Your brain doesn't even care. Your brain doesn't care. I think you're right because I think- How does this- It's, it's like a perfect segue out of talking about upbringing.

Yeah. Because, because, like, your parents would be like, stop this fucking stupid shit you've been saying. Yeah, you're fucking mine. Yeah. And then you'd be like, oh, okay. They'd be like, what, this is retarded. They would literally call me retarded and be like, what are you doing?

Stop this shit. Yeah. And her parents are like, whatever, sweetheart, you're just amazing. Yeah, maybe- I'm the same way with my pronouns. If it's someone that I know knows that I'm non-binary and they use she and they, but like lean more towards she, it's fine. I'd rather it be interchange, but it doesn't hurt me.

But if it's someone I don't know, for example, in a professional setting and they're calling me she and have not asked my pronouns, it's they she. It's they she in that order. Please use they. Don't get into that mentally ill stuff. How does she date? Then how do you, they, and we also don't know what they are into sexually, like how do you date?

I don't know. It's they she. And then- Does any other non-binary person get this or someone who exists outside the binary of all this? Because I know and I can feel when the knowing of me is beyond the words, but I also can tell and I can feel when people are using those words on purpose. I just feel like it would just be so exhausting to even be your neighbor.

You know what I mean? Like, forget friend. Oh my Christ. And just be like, God damn it. I mean- I know. When somebody has like a criteria of how they need to be addressed all the time, like even if-

All the time. Imagine if somebody was like, even if they went, I am doctor, Melissa, start, you'd be like, okay, I thought I could, I'm sorry that I called you Melissa, right? And you'd be like, this is a fucking asshole. Yeah, it's so true. Right? Like, I get it. I get you went to med school, you deserve the title and you're a fucking-

Yeah, I'm Esquire. Yeah, yeah. But you burned it. But you're kind of a dick, okay? But to go this far and expect people to go down your history of videos and thoroughly watch them, have a thorough understanding of your gender expression. Yeah. Just, it's-

It's crazy town. It's crazy. You're a fucking crazy person. You are kind of an asshole. I think now I like your argument more, that this is more of an asshole thing than like- This is. I'm not saying that all, like, that gender identity is all- No, no, no.

She's an asshole. This individual, they, she's an asshole. Yeah. You know? They are an asshole, a mega asshole. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's just so much too-

So demanding. Yeah. If I'm at work and somebody hasn't like absolutely gotten to know my entire backstory, that I'm deeply offended, go fuck yourself. Yeah. Why do you merit, like, why, why do you think you're this interesting that everybody should know your background? Well, it's clearly-

Mental illness. So much entitlement's happening there. It is. People call me Christine for years and I don't even correct my name. I'm like- As you should, I call you, I like to do it in interviews when people are like, you know, we've had your wife. I'm like, oh yeah, Christine is a big fan here.

But to take your ego, to take yourself so seriously, it's gotta be exhausting for them too. Maybe you have nothing else. Why? Well, for sure she knows. Maybe it gives you a sense of, like, some type of power in this world. I know, I'm too tired to even be like, well, my pronouns today. That's exhausting.

That's cause you have two kids that exhaust the fucking shit out of till they he's out down there. He thens. Yeah. That he thens. He thens. It's fucking- You listen, listen, but I'm sorry I have to go through this with her.

She her. What, in this sheet? Chara. Oh, Chara, yeah, yeah. It's exhausting and can I say the most, the saddest thing truly for anybody that grows up with exhausting parents that don't even see you is that you never, you don't even know what you missed. Right.

Cause now as a mom and I get to be a sweet loving mother to my two little boys and I bake cookies with them and I let them throw things at my head and we, you know, all those sweet things a mommy is supposed to do, you didn't get. And it's so unfair. Like wouldn't you just love to have some sweet lady come over? You know who I always picture as my mom is Gwyneth Paltrow's mom? What's her name? Oh yeah.

I know you're tired. Blythe Danner. Blythe Danner, yeah. I always picture my mom as being Blythe Danner. Like you wanted that to be. That's the mom I want. I want Blythe. Look at her.

Yeah. She's like, look at that picture. She's like, sweetie, you coming over, I baked bread. I make my own yeast. Yeah. It's the loaf is ready and I made some figgy jam. Your favorite, your favorite figgy jam. We're going to have brie cheese, brie bake, prosciutto.

Like that's the mom I wanted. That's not the mom I got. That's the saddest part. I just want Blythe Danner. Why? She's probably a monster in real life, but I built her up to be like, she's the ideal. That's what I want to look like. I want to be to my kids.

Blythe Danner. I bet Blythe Danner is pretty great. I think she's okay. I mean, Gwyneth feels pretty good about herself. We know that she came out. She seems pretty okay, right? I don't fucking know. Anyway, the point is I've won Burpgate.

More importantly is that, Yana, I believe I've been thinking about it nonstop that what you displayed, those were two burps. And a lot of people sighed with me. Okay. I got a hold. I'll take care of my body. I lost a bet. People wait.

Look, we should just say this. People have been sending in messages and it's clear that there's a lot of disagreements. Yeah, but it's obviously my win. No, no, no. It's really not. There are a bunch of street walkers that are siding with you and then a lot of people who learn to read that are siding with me. Here's what we need, though.

Instead of going tit for tat, oh, look, this person said you, this person said me, which we can just read endless. It doesn't matter how polite you're trying to be. Noise came out, which makes it a burp. Thank you. Otherwise, what is it? A one-time hiccup gas escaping. That happens to dead bodies not living with Tom.

Holy burp. Thank you, Joe, from Jersey. Okay, and then there's other people that side with me, right? It goes back and forth. I've read them, too. Yeah, it does, but not many for you. That's not true. That's not true.

One or two. That's not true. Here's what I will say. I think we need an expert to weigh in on this. I think we need somebody to play the judge here, and I think that judge should be a medical professional. Sounds good to me. And I think there's a medical professional that actually we know pretty well.

His name is one Dr. Drusifis Pinsky. Drusifis. Okay, so let's have Drew weigh in on it, and then we'll see who wins burp gate. We will, and we will accept his answer. I know I'm going to win. Can I ask you this question? Let's just be honest for a moment. The day of burp gate.

Listen to me. Can you pay attention? Yes. Validate me. Look in my eyes. Okay. There are those two burps that you silenced. It's like you shot a gun with a silencer on.

That definition. It still is a bullet coming out of a gun, Your Honor. That's a really good line. But it still is a bullet. The definition. The thing is the bullet. The definition when you look up burps says a noise emitting from the mouth. How are you going to negate the definition?

There still was a noise made. People heard. No, that's not true. Look up Miriam Webster. I believe it's the Oxford Dictionary definition burp. That's not true. That's not what that's not. They didn't say.

May I ask you this? We heard a noise. May I ask you? A noise? That's not the Oxford. Buddy, there's two there. Buddy. A noise made by air release through the mouth.

I'm going to shoot you in the face. No, this is from Wikipedia. This isn't the Oxford. Please. Okay, listen. Direct definitions from Oxford language. I can't read. I mean my glasses.

From Oxford. I can't see. Listen. Oh, listen. New Year's resolutions. The number one thing I'm planning on is hydrating more. It's so important to be hydrated and there's no better way to kick off 2023 than by making sure you're using your liquid IV.

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That's 20% off anything you order when you shop better hydration today using promo code HOUSE at liquidIV.com. Well, be honored. You're chaining it up for this segment now? Oh, boy. Not that big. Do you want to hurt my feelings? Oh, Miriam.

Listen. Can I ask you this? When you burped before I admitted to it like a gentleman, a gentleman, did you try to conceal? Be honest with me. I saw you do that. Everyone. I didn't go. What did you do?

Right. Did you try to conceal it? I don't recall. So he knew that he burped and concealed. Burped then concealed. Your honor, the bet was which one of us will not burp first. Not burp and conceal, but burp. Not a burp.

It's not a burp. It's not a burp. No noise came out of my mouth. It's not a burp. I'd like to watch the footage. The thing that we were talking about wasn't like, oh, who doesn't or does have gas in their body. It's who project like, bleh, let's out a burp more.

That was the bet. I'm sorry. If you want to be honest about the bet, it's like, it's not saying, hey, does gas ever move in your body? It's you going, which by the way, if we're going to take it that far at at home, you've been an absolute donkey. You've been farting with reckless abandon for, I don't know what reason. And then I'm like, this is absolutely revolting kawaii.

There was bacteria. I was eating a lot of ahi tuna bowls. It's a lot of raw fish. And I believe it created bacteria in my gut. There's no reason you needed to walk over to my nightstand, turn around and fart. Or yesterday, you walk up the stairs, you stand next to me, and I'm like, oh, and you're like, oh, did I do that? I mean, it's, it's disgusting.

It's disgusting. You're so jealous. I'm not jealous. I'm grossed out. Stop being a farter hater. I just couldn't be more farter hater real quick before we leave here. And we will talk about where the wrap up of this in a moment. I did want to give a quick update.

David Walter, the weatherman from Erie, Pennsylvania, has publicly said he is agreeing to the bet. He's going to come to Austin to play one on one with me in February. So I want to say thank you. I'm very much looking forward to it. People have asked, can you, can you stream this? I don't believe that we're going to stream it, but we will shoot it. Stream it. And we will release it publicly on the YouTube channel.

And I will release it winter loose. So if I, if I lose, I will, and I will, I will donate wherever he wants me to donate. If I win, you'll fucking see that too. That being said, thank you, David, for agreeing to it. I think we will actually have a good time when we play ball. Yeah, we'll be back. And we are back and here's a real exciting update back for the 26th time. The most appearances ever on your mom's house is our very, very good friend, Andrew Santino.

Don't forget, you can check out Cheeseburger, his new special out right now on Netflix. Thank you, Christina, for that burp in the middle of my plug. She's known for doing that. Cheeseburger. Cheeseburger. Please go watch Cheeseburger right now on Netflix. It's there. Great title.

It's fun, right? It is fun. And everyone says, and I like when people go, why would you name that? Yeah. And I said, maybe you should watch it. Maybe you should watch it. Dad. Yeah.

My dad said, that's a dumb name. That's the first thing my dad said. That's terrible. I was home in Chicago. He goes, that's a dumb name. Yeah. And I was like, well, it's to draw people in. Big fucking guinea whop.

Yeah, I choked them out. Yeah. I said, listen here, you stupid guinea piece of shit. Yeah. Go make me some pasta, fat ass. Yeah. What do you want me to name it? Fucking meatballs?

Yeah. Well, he would have liked meatballs. He would have liked meatballs. Meatballs would have been better. Spaghetti bolognese? Spaghetti bolognese. Papa. Little bolognese.

Yeah. Little sauce. So I named it Cheeseburger, and you all have to see why. I can't wait. You'll have to see why. I believe I've seen why. Yeah, I've seen the. I think you've seen why.

Yeah. You've seen why. I will say this, that completely separated from why it's named that I love cheeseburgers. Same. Yeah. Same. Who doesn't?

You don't look like you like cheeseburgers lately, though. Well, daddy's eating good. Lately, what are we talking? Quinoa and fish? Quinoa and fish. I have it for breakfast and a smoothie. Delightful salmon smoothie. A little halibut and a blender.

It's fucking delicious. Do you have tilapia? Very good. But fucking, when people do last meal kind of stuff and they make it really complicated, then you go, I don't know, man, the best cheeseburger I've ever had, I would take that on my deathbed. Yeah.

A cheeseburger's good. Cheeseburger's one of my. That's one of my. My end meals would be probably a burger and or a pasta. Pasta kind of. Pasta is fucking yes. Because you black out on the carbs. And that way, when you die, it's easier to die on carbs.

That's true. You don't want to die on like a fit meal. No. I would go pizza. You do a little pizza. Do a little pizza. But what would you put on it? Pep, pep.

Just pep. Just pep. No onions, no. Wait, wait, hold on. If I'm going to die, pep, extra garlic, extra cheese, extra sauce. And I travel back in time to round table pizza and get their disgusting sweet sauce.

Matt and Marcus, do you understand what this means? No. Matt and Marcus were the mascots for round table pizza. Wow. Dude, I used to love it. I used to love it. Let's look that up. What are you talking about?

Yeah, you are. That's where I got to go. Matt and Marcus from round table pizza. Matt and Marcus round table. He really, really knows this. I had a, there was a guy, come on. Dude, where's Matt and Marcus from round table pizza? Is that them right there?

The two guys right there? Yeah, that's Matt and Marcus. Right there. That's Billy Gardel. Up there it is. 42? That's not Billy. It really is Billy.

Wait, that does look like him. That is Billy Gardel. I don't know. What a guy that had a come up, huh? Jeez. That is Billy Gardel. Yeah, it's got to be. That's Billy Gardel, see?

Yeah. That's Bob. That's Bob. And he loves Abishola. That's fucking, oh yeah. On CBS. That's right. He's had a number of shows.

Well, Mike and Molly was before that was. That was a long run. That was a really good Ristakta's Pockets big one. Yeah. Wow. How you doing? He lost a lot of weight too. Yeah, he did.

Did he? Good. He's got that sitcom money. Are you, no, because you're from Chicago. Chicago. Are you a deep dish guy? No. Oh, thanks.

Is that him now? Yeah, that's Billy Gardel. No. Well, he did lose a fucking ton of weight. No, that's Billy Gardel. Yeah, he looks hot. He's handsome. He's a sex machine now.

He lost a couple of hundred pounds. He lost two other Billy Gardels. Wow. He lost like two full human. He looks fantastic. He's a handsome guy. Congratulations, Billy Gardel. Oh my god, unrecognizable actually.

That's wild. His family doesn't know who he is anymore. That's the best. They kick him out. They go, go home. I don't know who you are. Get out of the house. Good for him, man.

Fatso. Fatso is such a fun. Why don't we have Fatso? Fatso should come back. Pesci. Pesci. Pesci. Take Fatso.

You fucking try me, Fatso. Try it, Fatso. And he pulls his pants up. I'll see you. I'll be down here in the morning. I'll be down here in the morning. Yeah, he has a kind of let-of-Chicago accent. I'll be down here in the morning, Fatso.

You try me, Fatso. Try me, Fatso. My favorite line is when he says, well, you have to blank this out, is when he's like, Ace, do you know that guy who was with me? And he goes, no. You know, he disrespected me and Billy. He told Billy to go fuck himself.

He called me a fucking. That's why I fit. The way he responds, he goes, what? And then he goes, you told my friend to go fuck himself? You called him a fucking. Did you call my friend a fucking? Hitting the phone over his head. He's already very sorry, Ace.

He looks very sorry. That movie was, that was my favorite scene. That was the best. Because he did the voice for a while. It goes, and I get out of jail. And he goes, and I get right back in. Just around the time when I get out of jail. I get out of jail.

You know what? You know what? I'll split your fucking head. I'll split your fucking head. Yeah, that's how I do it. I'm stupid. Because I'm fucking stupid like that. And I don't give a fuck.

He's so good. He's so good. You come at, Nikki would have done it. My favorite thing about that is like, I've said before, but about violent threats is that a quiet, calm, violent threat is so much more memorable than just an outburst. Because he talks to the guy the whole time.

He's not ranting and raving. He's like, I'll split your fucking head open. Split your fucking head. And then you'll be in the hospital. And right about the time. When I come out, I'll do it again. I'll do it again. Because I'm fucking stupid like that.

That's my business. That's my business. Yeah. That's my business. That's my business. He was very calm about it. He was calm. You get my fucking money, you fat fuck.

Yeah. And I'll see you in the morning. He's a fucking psycho. So he is. God, the eyes, though. Man. They've relaxed a little bit that eye job, no? A little piss.

I think it did, right? A little, just a little bit. Can you Google Joe Pesky now? Yeah. That was just frig up Joe Pesky. Yeah, there you go. See, the work relaxed. But has you, like I think about meeting famous people

and it's never great because you never know what, like, what do you fucking say to this person? Well, so many of them suck. So many suck. I've learned is that. I got into a text chain with Armie Hammer and this guy, he wanted way too much out of me. I had to send him.

He was like, if you want to be boys with me, you got to let me tie you up and beat the shit out of you. Send me that picture right now. So I did. You branded yourself? I did. That's cool. I did.

And he just sent back kiss noises, B-boys text. He just went, so I had to keep sending. I know. And my group chain that I was on was, lay down the hammer. That was our little, lay down the hammer. Because whenever we got together. You had mostly girls?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was actually, I was the only dude on there. Yeah. Anyway, what are you going to do? Sometimes you get picked. I think we're the really famous person. And especially like an icon, like a pesky Michael Jordan

or something like that. You can't talk to them about the thing everyone wants to talk. That's the big mistake. If you were like. You can't do it. Hey, Jordan, you are crazy. What a dunk you had.

You're fucked. You have to talk like, Jordan, you would talk about, like this cigar, have you tried, you know? Or like golf. Like it's like, you know something that he loves, but it's not the thing that he's most famous for. If you went up to pastry and you're just like, Goodfell is one of my favorites.

He'd be like, why don't you eat shit and die? He'd fuck with you. He'd be like, I wasn't in that movie. And you'd be like, oh fuck, you're not in that movie. Spend your brain for an hour. You got to talk to him about something else. Right, you'd have to find a comment out. Because most of those guys, you forget, like anybody,

they're human. They don't want to talk about the thing. It's like the person come up to you be like that joke and you're like, thank you, you know? I had a man, I want to say this fast, because before I forget, but the headphones, I had my headphones on on the plane on the way here from Chicago and a man comes up to me

and most of the time if somebody recognizes you, you both know that it's, they usually do that. This is the look that people do. If they see you in the airport and they go like this, they go, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they keep going. Sometimes they go like this, they go, yeah. But this guy walked up to my seat, right?

Just walked up to my seat. Oh, like this. And then I go, I take off my headphones. Hey, and he goes, hey, I know you from stuff. And I was like, sorry, I heard him. Yeah. I heard him clear as a bell. I know you from something.

And I said, I'm sorry. I don't know. I don't think so. You're a celebrity, huh? And I was like, I don't know, buddy. I don't think so, man. And he goes, okay. And then went and sat back down.

That's a crazy person. What did he want? Yeah. Imagine if I wanted you to solve the puzzle. Yeah, why? I'm not going to put it together for you. Of course not. But also how weird we were laughing

because it was like, imagine if I did, what kind of an asshole if he's like, That's always the thing. Are you a celebrity? Yes, I'm a celebrity. I'm a celebrity, thank you much. And you start naming the things and he's like, no. Yeah, that's smart.

Tell me what you've done. Well, I'm in this thing and they go, You go podcast, he goes, what's a podcast? Podcast. No, I don't drink pop. Do we go to high school together? Oh, I went to high school with you. Where'd you grow up?

No, that's not it. Anyway, I just want to come fucking ruin your afternoon. And because everyone's looking at the interaction. So you feel even more like a dipshit because people are like looking over and then they're going, who is that? Like I'm nobody, I'm just a shit joke flying and on an airplane with you.

I had this person a month ago go, and you're not gonna, he goes, hey man. I go, hey, he goes, I love, I'm just waiting for it. And he goes, that true TV show. Oh my God, that's the first. I'm like, the one from 2012? How fun.

You're still alive, sir. He's like, I love that show. Love that show. Cool. Well, thank you very much. Hey, I'm so happy he's one person. Get him where you get him. He's like, that's when I lost my TV 10 years ago.

I was robbed that the next day and holding onto that. But thank you for the fanship, but also please just don't ask me what I am. God, every time I talk to somebody I love. Who are you? That makes me so uncomfortable. Me too, because yes, I am a thing.

I am, we kept laughing on the way home, I go, I am a celebrity. Just the nerve you'd have to have to be like, I'm a celebrity. I mean, give me a gun. Let me blow my fucking head off. I'm already so uncomfortable by the whole thing. Of course.

Or when someone's really loud, like this guy at the airport was talking super loud. I love, dude, you're in the fucking Asian guy? That guy, I fucking love that. What's his name? And he's four feet away. We're waiting for the plane. And I'm like, his name's Bobby Lee.

And you go, you put your voice down, hoping they'll put their voice down. No chance. Who? Who? Bonnie? Yeah, Bonnie and Bonnie Lou. Love that bitch.

Chinese bitch, right? Bonnie Lou. Yes, Chinese bitch. She's funny, dude. Super Chinese. Super Chinese. Super Chinese. I love getting his ethnicity wrong.

It's probably the- It's half of my life. I mean, it's the game that'll never get tired of playing. It's also great because I do Asian accents on the show all the time and people are like, that's not okay. But yes it is. Yeah, it is.

But yeah it is, because it's one of my best friends of all time. What's your best Asian accent? More pleasure. See it dude. You know what's so funny? A girl tweeted me today. My favorite one.

Maw, Pasha. Pasha? Feeling good. A girl tweeted me today and said, please watch Andrews Netflix special. He's my favorite non-Asian comic that, she's Asian, she's an Asian comic that does a better Asian accent than me.

And I thought, see this is- That's potential. She gets the joke. And I wanted to do, I wanted to tweet back, Frank you or something like that. It's hard to do voice. I call, thank you. Thank you.

Your best Asian that you can do. Well with Bobby, I always go, like it's always, I hyperboleized version. That's the joke is like, whenever with him, when I really want to make him mad, I go, oh. Like it's just, it's so like, like I'm starting up a car.

I go, oh, no don't do it. It's insane. It's fake. It's not, it couldn't be a real person. And then he's like, that's super racist. Super racist, yeah. But also, then on the flight, truth be told, the flight attendant was this Asian woman

and she walked into the cockpit and I hear her go, what's going on up here? And I'm like, come on, come on. How are the pilots not like dying? Cause Bobby was here. He did the last live show with us and it was great. And one of the conversations we had on the live show was the fact that, you know, each of us,

we have foreign parents. Yeah. You know, their accents are funny. My mother's accent is funny. But I told Bobby, and I think we all agreed on this, I don't know what it is, but an Asian accent's always funnier. Oh, a hand over fist.

And we can make fun of my mom and her accent for days. But if he pulls out his mom card and I'll be like, you win, that's funnier. She does. Always funnier. Well, the internet loves, we were making fun of each other's moms. And for some reason it went like viral

that I just went cross-eyed and I was like, I'm Bobby mom. And the internet fucking loved it. But he was shitting on my mom. Like a fat cow. And like we were going back and forth. If you ever, we don't even have it up, but we should release it. But when we did our live moment house,

we had his mom flown in for it. And I got to tell you, her talking to Doc from the comedy store about learning, we did cross-culture, cross-culture contamination, which was like, how do you learn what, you know, and she was like, why does a crack a rocker? And just her asking what crack rocks are.

So it was like, it was just gold. And they were just, she was explaining, he was explaining shit to her. And I was like, this is all day, I could watch this. And it's so wholesome and sweet. She's honestly wanted to know what certain things were. Like she wanted to, like, what, what, what, what, what ass pussy.

She wanted to know everything about it. Why was it made? And you know, what's the depth of this? And him explaining it to her was like, why it's so funny because she's genuine. And also it sounds so innocent and sweet. It's just in it, it's not, there's no, like with your mom, which by the way, love your mom.

I love your fucking mom. You can have her. I will, I will. Hey, put my phone number here for her. Hey, I will, I'll go up. That's, that's up. We were actually just talking about how great she is. Keep going.

What are you shitting at her? She's, she's, she just makes, she's, she is funny. She's very funny. She's very funny. Her curiosity, but your mom is, your mom's very smart. You can tell she's,

She's savvy. She's in on it. She gets it. She's very quick. Yes. Bob's mom is not in on it. She has no fucking idea. It's funnier.

It's so much fun because it's in us. It's like pure ignorance. Yeah. In a way where Bobby's ignorant. We're like, you know, there's words that I say, I know he doesn't know what they mean. I can see it in his eyes. I know right away when we're on the show.

You're like, that's just conjecture. And he's like, And he'll go, dude, don't, don't. And he gets mad. Don't do, don't, don't, don't, don't. Because I know he doesn't know what it means. And it's like frustrating as fuck to him. It's hilarious.

He's like, don't say stuff like that. So, you know, I, I spent some time. I took him on some dates. Yeah. And we had, we had a blast. And one of the greatest things was I, you know, this tour has been, it's almost, it's going to be almost a two year tour,

right when it's all done. And I rotated bringing people. But my crew stayed the same. It was all, you know, there's a crew of guys that are on, like on the bus. And in every date and every date, Dave, Gear, Marcus, Sean, Mike, and like, and then they got to know like the regulars.

In other words, Jeff Tate would come on. And then that's, that's, that's its own dynamic with everybody. Right. Josh Potter came on, Kirk Fox came on. It's its own dynamic. Sometimes there were guys that did a few less dates, but still he did date Sickler, Brian Simpson,

you know, et cetera, right? So a rotation of people. And then, you know, we'd podcasted with Bobby and we talked about this day and he came on. Dude, those, my crew, within, within an hour they're like, this is the craziest motherfucker I've ever met in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're like, I've never met anybody. Yeah. And then by day two, they were like, yo man, this guy is insane. Get him off. And they were, and then I would, you know, every time they said it, I would laugh harder and harder and I would see him, you know, just being Bobby.

Yeah. But it was, it was, it was, I wish there were cameras rolling the whole time for it. So we're doing a tour and we're going to be on a bus in March and April. We're doing a bad friends tour. We're doing like 28 cities. Wow.

We're about to drop them in like a couple of weeks. We're going to put out all the dates and it's going to be really bad. The two of you. Yeah. Well, and some of the bad friends crew. Okay. Yeah.

Like Jesse Jetski Johnson is coming with us. But these will be live podcasts or live shows. We're going to do stand up and the show. We're going to do, we're both doing stand up. And then at the end we're both doing like bits from the show and a lot of audience interaction and involvement because whenever we've done live podcasts, the thing that we've learned is like bits from the show

that they could be a part of, that was their favorite shit. So live scene readings with Bobby is great. Is he going to be in a wig? Yeah. He's going to be in costumes. We're bringing a fucking, we're literally bringing boxes of costumes. Sure. So stuff like that that we've done over the show

over the past couple of years, like we found whenever we did them live, people just wanted to be a part of the chaos. So yeah, we're going to do stand up and bits from the show and a lot of audience interaction and participation. And we're not filming them for podcast use, but we're having them for, you know, just for us. But we're filming the bus.

We're filming like the behind the scenes of the bus. And Bobby and I already got into a fight on the show because, you know, he's like, I'm just giving you the bed because I don't want to hear you complain. And I said, I was going to give you the bed. And he's like, no, I know you weren't. I said, I swear to God, I was going to let you have the bed and I don't care.

I'll do a bunk. It doesn't matter. So now out of spite, neither of us are going to have the bed. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause we're, cause we're, cause we're, cause we're fucked like that. Cause we're stupid like that.

Just leave the bed empty. So you'll make the bed, the junk bunk. That's where all the little shit looks like. Yeah. That's just because we're so, he has so much, like so much vindictive pride that like he would hold it against me and I would hold it against him. That one of us like let each other win.

We can't do that. What's your craziest Bobby story that you can tell that, you know, that wouldn't. I'm trying to, like that I could tell that wouldn't. Upset him. Put him in prison. Yeah, yeah. Get him arrested, federal indictment.

You know, I think with Bob over the years, it's really tough. I like, I really, cause it's all, some stuff I know he wouldn't want me to say. Of course no. That's the problem with him is he's in on his joke always. He always is down, but then there are moments where I know he gets really sensed.

Like we all do. Yeah. We all have sensitive points. Yeah. You know. He's really good at selling too. Like yours is your fake tits. Everybody.

It's like that's your. I'm so embarrassed. And I don't want to talk about it. No, I spent so much on them. I know. Why did you just do that? Why apologize, cut it out, Nadev. I love how he says Nadev.

He has no idea who he is by the way. He knows who Nadev is and he's like, eh, the Jewish guy, the Jewish guy over there. That's what he calls you. Did disrespect. He called me Nevada one time. Nevada, right? Nevada.

He calls me stuff close to it. Right. You know what, dude? We won't put up with that. As you Jewish young men, we don't put up with that kind of defamation to our people. Am I right?

Two of you are aligned. We are. Ginger nation. Ginger Jew nation. I saw him at the airport on the way to Israel. Weren't you going to Israel? I was going to China. You're close.

Same place. Same place. I mean. A lot of the same kind. The bull taking over the world. We'll be right back. This is a pretty cool thing. I haven't seen this yet, but it looked pretty.

Someone said more pressure to me. Recently. Yeah, sure. Like Russia. And that Asian boys is good. Here you go. Check this out. Oh yeah, let's go.

Let's go. So how many sexual partners that I have in the 2022 season? I have 55 in total of those 44. 54 were new to me, which is an average of 1.05 partners a week, which I am pretty proud of. I can't lie. So I'm now up to a total current partner number of 91.

Only 12 of them. I shagged more than once. Love that word. And 38 of them were met through Swingers Clubs. That's very cool for the year. Cool numbers. That's a very cool number. Yeah, and it's cool to know

that the majority were at Swingers Clubs. That's right. I didn't know that. So I didn't think, you know, I didn't know that this was still, in my mind, I'm like, yeah, all sorts of shit goes on behind closed doors. I didn't know these things are still real.

Yeah. They're, dude, they're, I talked to a friend, they're happening every night somewhere in LA. Like I mean it. Sex parties. Every fuck, different versions, right? Some of them are couples.

Some of them are singles only. Some of them are only gay. Some of them are like, every version of this you've ever heard of, it's happening in LA at least a few times a week. Like every single week. I was like, no fucking way. Some of them are membership based.

Some of them are like, come as you, you know, come as you are once. It's like a one time thing or whatever. It's like Gatsby party type of shit. But other thing they do weekly at these things. So you hear it, I think that's not real. Is that real? It's real.

It's happening. No, man, I add, if it's an LA Swingers Club, I hope they vet these people for attractiveness. No, no, no. Anybody, everybody, welcome. See, that's the problem. Come on in. That's the problem.

Cause it always sounds good on paper. And then the reality is. Well, like I went to a nude beach. I've been to a nude beach. And when you go, it, everybody looks like what you think. They look, it's awful. It's horrific.

It's disaster. Everyone is like a burn victim. That's a lot of sunblock on. I didn't put any on. Did you have on your guy? They call me burn boy. You didn't put any on your fella? On my penis?

Yeah. That's what you want to burn. It is kind of. You want that to burn, baby. And it's smoking hot. Yeah. Someone come cool me off. That's my line.

Someone come cool my cock off. That's pretty, that's pretty hot. I just have everyone at the beach spit on it. Yeah. That's cool. Cool me down a little bit. You ever had your dick burn, really? No, you know, never.

But I read an article that Prince William had frostbite on his cock. No shit. For his brother's wedding. I'm so, look that up. I'm dead serious. I think he was in, he was on like a hiking expedition.

What? Yeah, no, he had frostbite on his cock. It was all over the news. Really? How did I miss the story? He was at his brother's wedding. I feel like he went to his brother. Yeah, there you go.

Prince Harry frostbite on his, on his ding dong. On his ding dong. Wow. Yeah. His ding dong. Frostbite in painus. My bits. My coosings.

If anyone objests to these two getting married, stand up right now and say something. Hi. I've got frostbite on my fucking bit in tackle. Check out my willies all code. Somebody frostbitten toja. Toja. A toja.

Here's toja got all frostbitten. His frosted phallus fiasco was one of the many bombshells. Wow. That's an alliteration. How do they find that out? It is. How do they find that out?

He told, he told one idiot in the staff and they told everybody. Jesus. Here's what it, here's how it went. Oi, don't tell anyone. But I've got a frostbite on my cock. All right, won't tell anyone. Ring, ring.

Hello, everyone. Yeah. Will you come frostbite on his cock? Jesus. Harry told his father and company of discomfort, blah, blah, blah. So bad. See, he was at the wedding.

He was frostbitten at his brother's wedding. I've got a chili willie. Hold on, a chili willie. So, how did they do that? How did they cut it off? Yeah. I mean, when it's bad enough, they do. Yeah, you gotta cut it off.

Well, you cut off a chunk of your cock. What if like that's at the end of the Harry and Megan Netflix thing, he's like, I had my dick cut off. And they're like, what? That explains all of this trauma. That's the big story. That's why he's saying it's so funny. There's just a chunk missing when she goes,

it's just like a little, like a side, a little side when she goes, Oh man. There's one piece of my cock missing. Well, this cool lady has some more stuff to share. Oh yeah, I imagine. To the gender split, it's done into men and women because, holy shit, I didn't shag anybody non-binary.

So, in total, we have 33 men, 10 of which had big dicks, which I'm counting as seven inches or bigger. Two of those were dilfs. Oh. Women, 21 women, which I feel is pretty good, giving lots of bisexual energy. Two of those were milfs.

Of those 21 women, five of them at least, I was there confirmed first time with another girl. Nice. With two more were either potentially their first time or very early on into their shagging women journey. You know, one thing I'd like to know about her dilf and milf thing is that, is the criteria, the subjective,

mom or dad I'd like to fuck, or if she's just saying this is a parent? You know what I mean? She's not really explaining what's the criteria. What's the specific? Also, when she said seven inches or above for a big dick, A makes me feel good. And B, it's a weird line

because everyone's line is different. Like, you know how a little person, dwarves are four, 10 and under. Okay. Well, let's make it a national scale for big dicks then. If this girl says seven, another girl can't be like, you know, it's eight and above. Right.

Well, that's not fair. Let's make it legal just like little people. You can petition. You can petition. I'd like to do it right here. Live on YMH. If you find your congressman or senator, I think you can actually call their office.

Oh. Are you serious? Yeah. Can we call our local congressperson? Yeah. What district do you live in? Los Angeles County. We should just find your congressman.

I don't know who they are. But I just want a really good point because the obesity index is a thing. So why not the cock index? If we're gonna be so cut and dry about how fat or short you are, what about your little fat, short cock? What if that, let's make that a scalable thing.

Such a good idea. And that's also something you can really get behind. Like you have a platform. Right. You could start really making this. And you should have to register. If you have a big dick, you should be on a list. It's a great, I didn't have a card and stuff.

You should, yes. You belong to a club of big dicks that you have. Yeah, just slide it across at the bar. Excuse me. Do I get the discount? But if your dick is too big, you have to have a different colored card. If you're up 10 inches, you should have another card.

That's true. Just so you warn girls. Yeah, that's true. Because they don't need to, they don't need like. And I don't want to get impaled. Okay, they don't need to think they're showing up to have something like this and then they show up and they have this.

Right. That's not fair. That's true. That's not fair. That's a really good point. It's a public health service. Because you could show up with one of these and then everyone's asleep.

There's Bobby. Yeah. She's hot though. In dreams I received a nipple pacing, a dual nipple pacing infection. A ripped nipple piercing which actually I received as a result of getting out of the shower but it, you know, affected my sex life.

So we're counting it there. So I don't have to take responsibility for it. Sure. I cut urethra from someone's fingernails. So pause. And a bruised nose from where someone was sat on my face at a bit of an angle and it bruised all here. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You know the hashtag Noreigret is I'd rather have someone sat on my face than a nose that isn't bruised. Cut her urethra. Yeah, with her fingernail she said. Yeah, fingernails. Are those cuttable? Yeah.

I'll ask you, it's easily cuttable? Well, there's three holes down there right for a lady. Hold on. Come again. There's three holes. You have two poopers. I guess. You have two poops.

The poopy? Yeah, the poopy hole. The baby hole. Yeah. And the peepee hole. And the urethra is a tiny little opening. I don't know if I believe you. Yeah.

But you don't finger urethra but that means somebody didn't know or they had just really aggressive tactic. Cod. I feel like there's only one hole. Every time I'm down there, it's one hole. One hole. It all comes out.

This guy. I wish there were one hole. What if he was just like a real, like, you know. He is just a person. Did a guy ever, has a guy ever touched a tube long of nails and it cuts? Yes, yes, yes.

I've had goth boyfriends. Don't forget. Goth boyfriends often have sometimes goth nails. Yes, I have. Right. And do you say something? Do you go, hey, leave one un-gothable. Maybe we have one regular.

Yes, leave one for fingering me for Christ's sake. Right. Yeah. Or three. Or three, sure. Have you ever had a girl, did you ever had a girl with long nails and hurt your penis? See, bad fingernails on a girl would be like

when a girl teeths us when they blow us. That's kind of the same thing. That's kind of, that's obviously much less desirable. It's not the worst thing but you're like, the whole time it's your breathing is tempered. You're like, you're scared every time it goes back down. Be gentle with your nails down there. Please.

Please be gentle. It's interesting, she keeps data. Like who is this in service for? This has got to be a scientific experiment. This is for all of us. This is for all of us. Oh, it's just for me. The whole world.

This could be a thesis for college. Genuinely, this could be a college thesis. Yeah. Because she seems college-aged, right? Am I, or am I, do I not know what I'm talking about? She's articulate and she knows exactly, you know, this is also, it just seems like a really cool experiment. And it's also great to have, you know,

something to reflect on 20, 30 years from now. You look back, you go, that was a fun year. Some people are like, here's me at a powerlifting event. And then she'll be like, here's my video. Yeah. And they're like, oh, that is cool. And you did that. Yeah.

Mummy, what were you like before you met Daddy? Well, little one, let me show you a video. Keeping lots of data. Keeping data. Data. My favorite shag of the year was my first agreedy-girl gang bang. I think, you know, shagging 14 people and one night

was pretty impressive of me. And I'm very proud of myself for it. It's been a pleasure to see what I had near my birthday. Again, it was just really horny. And I loved it and it was wonderful. And then the first time I shagged in a gate club toilet was also very unexpected. Been there.

And then we went back to mine and it was hot. Been there. I mean, this was just fantastic. Thank you for sharing all the things. And I don't feel sad and I feel good. Yeah. See, it's a good sign when you feel... Uplifted.

You should feel sad after you hear stuff like that. 14 and it's been one day. That's a lot. It's almost... Why do I feel so sad? Why do I feel so sad? I would, I don't want to, I don't want to judge. I would say it's too much, too much.

14 is a little excessive. That is a lot of cock. Yeah. It's a lot of cock. Well, it's anphagine and it's... Oh, it was both. Yeah, she shagged men and women. But also, it's one a week.

So you have to find one person whose genitals you've been around. But... Here's the thing. New genitals. It's almost, you know, it's a real thing if you're doing that just in pub. I mean, you can...

Obviously it can be done, but she got most of them at a club, a sex club, meaning like your people are going there just to... Yeah. I will give her credit though. That's got to be the safest. I'm sure they have to vet that they're clean, so to. Right, so this isn't like, hey, met him at a bar.

Then you're like... Yeah, it's different. But a sex club, they got to come with papers. So you know you're good there. So I guess at that point it's just free reign. That's why she got fucked in a toilet at the gay club because they vetted, unless that was an outsider. Either way, who hasn't fucked at a gay club?

Oh, I have no answer, please, please, please. But you're right, to that point, it's a swingers club. They're couples, they're likely closed monogamy, whatever. Or they're at least all tested. Tested is what's really most important probably. We got to get into this lifestyle, Tom. What do you think? Yeah, I'm ready.

Could you cock? Oh, yeah, good eye. All right. Yeah, yeah. Good eye. I'm really into trophy wifing. Oh, yeah, yeah. You go out, you bang like 30, whatever you do,

and then you come back and you tell me, I'm like, oh, that's hot. And then, yeah. You want to hear the details. Oh, yeah, it turns me on. Every single detail, every detail. It's so awesome. There's 14 guys, this is fucking awesome.

It's awesome. You know what I saw on TikTok? Is that swingers wear pineapples. Pineapple, medullary, pineapple. I read about this. Yeah. If you see someone with a pineapple earring or necklace or ring, that is an indication

that they are into the swing lifestyle. So they can see each other on the streets, baby. Yeah. That's cool. What should we do? You want to eat some fruit? Yeah, that's nice. We got to have a sign.

What do we want to do? For what you and I do. I don't know. Should it be in the fruit family or? It should. We're fruity. We are fruity. Maybe peaches.

Peaches is cute. Peaches is cute. Yeah, but you know the thing about a peach symbol is a lot of times from a distance, you're just like, what is that? That's a butt. Yeah, that's a butt hole, yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right.

I think we should pick something more. See, pineapples are very distinct. Man is two on the nose. Yeah, raspberry maybe. Oh, that's like you squeeze it first. Because when we rub together, him and I, we get raspberries on our. That's true.

On our pañetos, we get little raspberries. Mangoes? Mangoes. See, I feel like mango is a subset of the pineapple culture. Oh. Because mango, I think, means you're end of, you know, what's that?

Plus, if you're end of. Oh. You're end of both. What if we went crazy on them and we just did green beans? Oh. Okay, it's not a fruit, but I get it. I know, that's what I'm saying.

We just leave the whole fruits to them when we do vegetables. Oh, we're vegetable guys. Oh, well, veggie boys, I guess. Veggie boys. We could be veggie boys. Healthy. Why the pineapple, I wonder.

But why a pineapple? Because there's a reason, and they can tell you from the internet, and I looked it up once. I don't really remember, but it was something to the effect of like, I wanna say I learned that it was like an island resort that started this whole thing.

And then it went global. Celebration, warm hospitality, pineapple symbolism, swingers have adopted the fruit. Like-minded people wanted to connect. I read somewhere one time it was like at a fucking, a resort, I don't know if you can look this up, it was like a resort that they busted for having turned into swingers,

but that wasn't the intention of the resort. It's like keeping this in go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that became the thing. But you know what, God bless, good for them. Good for them, man. Swing away, dude. Yes.

Do whatever you wanna do. Yeah, no one cares. Have fun, man. Have a good time. Have a great time. Have a good time. Jesus Christ loves you. I wish I had this level of self-esteem

to be able to do that. Legendary 70 Swinger Resort in the Polkinox. Maybe that was what it was about. There you go, Jamaica, right? Oh no, sorry, Jomlin Resort. That's a Dutchman is. Welcome to Pattaya Place. Is that, this is Thailand, is that in Thailand?

Yeah, that's a Thai accent. Welcome to Pattaya Place. It is Thai. More places? Why do they care in Thailand? I thought Thailand's where people go to fucking get down. Have you seen the Tik Tok where guys go, if somebody records through Thailand

and it's just a string of what looks like either American guide tours or British guide tours in like. I think I have it right here. It's like come to Thailand. With you, I always know you and I are probably seeing some of the same shit on Tik Tok. I'm obsessed, dude. I watch it incessantly.

It's better than television at this point. By far. It's so real. Because it knows what I want to laugh at. Television has no idea. This is for you, American men, mainly middle-aged and older. Those of you men who are single.

Yeah. Tired of being alone. Tired of being not just rejected by American women. But not even noticed. Not even seen. Not even acknowledged. Tired of feeling like a nobody.

Got it. Feeling invisible. Tired of beating your brains out and killing yourself. Trying to get an American woman at least interested in you. Tired of feeling like you don't have to be a ridiculously unattainable standards. Then stop trying.

Stop trying. You just hear help in the back. Instead, go to the Philippines. Damn. Find the desperate trying. Stop trying. Why do they look always like this guy? Good.

Like just healthy. It's just a good-looking guy. Just like a straight-up, good-looking dog. Just taking care of himself. The only times I've seen this guy at an airport bar and I've sat down and had something to eat and he's like, where are you going? Oh, man.

I'm going to Dallas today or something. And he's like, you've never been to the Philippines, man. That's how it starts. That's how this guy recruits. And then you go like some boys. And then you go like, I do all right. Like, you know. Yeah, no, I'm fine.

Yeah, I'm fine. And he's like, you need to go. And you're like, oh, man. But I'm not. Dude, I'm married. I'm actually not going to go to the Philippines. Listen, man. She'll never know you're in the Philippines, man.

How would she not know? I mean, hey, but God bless Tiva sandals. That's what you see. Yes, the Tivas have. They love Tiva sandals. They're always the ruddy cheeks. Yeah. And the red nose, bulbous nose.

Well, that's that's that's from their liver deteriorating is all that is sad spotty. That's sad spotty life. But you know what? Cheers. Cheers to him. Cheers to him. Cheers to him.

I love the idea like just give up. Just stop trying and go to the Philippines. You know what? You don't have to try. Yeah, because either that or this version of sad guy is either shoot up a school, do something bad or go to the Philippines. Let this guy go to the island.

Please go. It is because it's a rage thing. Yes. This is tempered rage. 100%. The way he said it. So sad. Tired of getting beat up.

Beat down with your brain. Told you're not worth a shit. You tired of it? At night, he sits on his couch. He goes, you're a fat loser. Nobody wants to fuck you because you're a fucking loser fucking piece of shit. Scum, cunt, fat, turd.

Click, click, Expedia. Click, click, gone. Instead of loading a gun. Right. And then like he spends a couple of weeks there and he's like, nobody needs to die. Like that's what he really thinks at the end of that. Yes, he's humbled.

I'm not gonna kill somebody. That's a good ad for the Philippines. Do you want to come to Philippines? Are you tired of being fat, stupid piece of shit? Guy who doesn't get to fuck? Don't shoot up a school, come here. Don't kill people. Don't kill everybody in your community.

Come to the Philippines. And it's a beautiful like a sky shot of the Philippines. Yeah, my God, that really is. But I do feel like it's one woman that he's talking to. It's Debbie. Yeah, there was one girl he loves very, very much. She destroyed him. She destroyed him.

She ripped him to shreds. Yep. In high school. And his whole life, he's been trying to get back to Debbie. It echoes in his head. You think I'm gonna dance with you? Yeah. It just loops in his brain.

You think I'm gonna dance with you? Ha, ha, ha, ha. That's just fucking nightmare. It was mine. This is all rage at Debbie, like everything. One bitch. It's one bitch. Early that ruins men like this.

That's right. The rest of their lives is a spiral. 77 on his fucking deathbed, he'll be like, fuck Debbie, I mean, it's just like double order. Any last words? Dude. Fuck Debbie. Dude.

Yeah, totally. You know, that is his vibe. Yeah. He just wants her to see this. Yes. You know, people like make things for everybody, but it's really for one person. My little TikTok queen knows there is a big trend

going on now of shitting on your exes and making like trend. There's like trend shit on your exes now. So they'll use like the same song or whatever bit. I don't know how to explain that. You know, like they're doing a trend bit and everybody does it about their shitty fucking ex. And I've seen it multiple times pop up.

See, this is mainstream TikTok. I have no idea what you're talking about. You're dark. Oh, you're dark. Oh, you've gone dark. Okay, cool. I don't know anything about this. We'll come back a little bit.

Sure, sure, sure, sure. I don't want you to go too deep. Fuck up my algorithm. Yeah, I don't want to fuck up the algorithm. Are you posting these normal ones? Can I look at your... I don't ever, I don't ever, I just enjoy. I just, I just, I just ingest.

I post for my page, bullshit standup stuff or whatever or podcast stuff, but for my fun page, all I do is make sure I like really fucking weird goofball shit. That's how you do it. But you go dark, you go way deeper than me. It's a ride. It's a real ride, yeah.

Go to the Philippines. You know who I think you would really like? Who I think you might enjoy is our buddy Rishan in Hong Kong. I already like him. He's a tailor. Have you ever seen his stuff? I don't think so. I think you would like him.

We stay here as part of the Japanese mafia. He's flown down to Hong Kong just to make a suit from me. He saw all my videos and he wanted me to help him create his signature style. I'm going to go down on my knees because they make him very short in Japan. Come on in. Look there, dip into the back.

It gets better and we will look at his ass in a second. Let me show you the waistcoat. You know how I like opening up boys? What? You are over 18, right? He's over 18. You heard that, right? What the fuck?

Japanese cranes for the Yakuza right here. Double breasted waistcoat, head up. Shawl collar, wide shawl collar to go with the wide peak lapel. Absolutely locked in. Cranes on the back. There's the ass. Japanese gorgeous young boy ass.

How do you feel about that? Good, the material is nice and light. Oh my god. Dark green, black green. I thought this kid, I thought he didn't speak English. What he was like, what he's like, very good. Like pure English. I thought he was going to not understand a word he's saying.

I like opening up little boy ass. I thought this dude had no fucking clue what he was saying. Very good, it doesn't, but by the way, the suit does look good. It does, it's impeccable. So, God bless this guy. You made one for Tom.

Great suit. Great suit. I started playing these and he was just like, let me hook you up. Gotta make you a suit. Did you have to send him pictures of your little boy ass? I did, I did. And I accidentally sent my little asshole

and he goes, I don't need that, but thank you. He wants to make it up and it's like a Victoria's Secret. Exactly. He wants to see it in his own mind. He wants to imagine it. He doesn't need to see it outright. It's like porn is gross. Let's see this.

Oh, you want to show him your latest stuff? No, yeah, I'll be. I mean, show it, baby. This is Christina's curations. This one's fucking wild, dude. I love it. I get the gist of it. Just watch it.

Here you go. It's pretty gross. We're stepping into Christina's mind. Oh, I'm excited. Hi, my name is Melissa and I'm a junior in high school and I've recently been accused of murdering my brother. So I'd like to come on here and spread the truth about how this did not happen

because I know there's been a lot of false information being spread on the news. I am innocent. That's not a bit. Should this isn't a comedy thing? It's real as shit. Go to the next one. There's another one.

Time out. Hold on. Just for fun. Just by the first video. Yeah. I do think she murdered her. Just the first video. I'm just going with instinct.

Why? Go ahead. Well, if we could go back to the video just so I can look at some of the accoutrements there. Hi, my name is Melissa and I'm a junior in high school and I've recently been accused of murdering my brother. So I'd like to come on here and spread the truth about how this did not happen

because I know there's been a lot of false information being spread on the news. I am innocent. Okay. I got a question. Is that a Fitbit or an eye watch? That's an Apple watch. And I don't believe people with Apple watches.

If it was Fitbit, I'd think she didn't do it. Right when I see that, I go, that's a murderer would wear that watch. Let me say this. This is in the family office. It's in her dad's office, by the way. And you know on that ThinkPad, her dad's ThinkPad, that's a bunch of bad boy stuff is on there.

And so dad is going to protect her because he's like, I know you know what goes on in my ThinkPad. And I don't want you to tell anybody about it. So we're going to do an innocent video. I do think she killed her brother just based on this. It's just a vibe. It's a vibe. When you're a juror, you're kind of in the end,

you vote with a vibe. Well, I'm just a man of the people. And as someone that's voting for my peers, you're getting, I'm putting her away. And then, yeah, of course, she's awfully calm. For murdering somebody. The thing about this is right away you're like, man, should you be posting this?

And then the next video, you're like, oh. Here we go. My lawyer is telling me not to speak publicly about my murder case, that I will not be silenced. When my brother was killed, it was 1030. And I was at my friend's house at 11. How can I kill someone if I'm not even with them? Well then, she was at her friend's house at 11,

the murder takes place at 1030. Right. You can kill somebody and get to your friend's house, by the way. Well, she's not good at, she clock stuff is bad. Her clock stuff is bad. Yeah, it's bad math work. As her attorney, I beg, your clock stuff is real bad.

I gotta be honest with you. Time is not on your side, literally. Let me ask you this. Lawyer, how could I kill somebody at eight o'clock if at 830, I was eating a sandwich, huh? With the knife, I used to kill somebody. Does it make sense? Look, my lawyer, one of these hot shot fucking lawyers,

I paid all this money to, and this blabbermouth is like, don't go talking on the internet. Fuck you, Ken. Fuck you, Ken. I'll say what I want, you dipshit. I think they got to her because there's only one more video that she posted. Well, I made sure to save these post-hates.

I saw these and I was like, send to Josh, send to Nadav, save them immediately because they will disappear. What's the third video? It's fantastic. Here's number three. No, that's not it. That would be so funny if that was the third.

That's what's in the next one. Can I tell you, if that was the third video on her profile? I'd go, this girl's innocent, let her go. She didn't kill anybody. If that was the third video she posted, I'd be like, this bitch is hilarious, she didn't kill anybody. Is this guy's 6'10", or is this in Romania?

Why the fuck are the door frames so small? I think it's Romania, I think you're right. Because look at the weird water bottle, that's always foreign water. That's Eastern Europe water without a doubt. It's so Eastern Europe water. Oh, it is, the wiring, the electrical work. Garbage, absolutely.

When you say electrical work, they don't, they just string it up. They glue it to the wall. No, this doesn't need to go in the wall, we'll glue it to wall. Okay, I found the last one. Okay, go ahead. Holy shit, man, this is the best find you've ever, I mean.

Yeah, it's deep, right? Hello, everyone, I hope you all had a great Christmas, and I just wanted to come out here and update you about my murder case. My lawyer is suggesting that I plead guilty due to the evidence that the prosecutors have against me, and this would mean that I'd be accepting a plea of 20 years, but I have decided to decline this offer

and go to court to fight for my freedom. Yeah, okay, she basically goes, just do it. She basically goes, look, they found all the shit that I left behind, and they're like, give up, and I'm like, fuck that shit. Due to the mountain of evidence they have, phone calls, they pinged my phone, they found the weapon.

We had three other confessions from my best friends who I told. All that shit aside, I ain't fucking bitching out, okay? I think that like, I don't know, I think if you were, I'm not that everyone's the same, but maybe if your brother had been murdered, you might be really emotional about it. Just a little sad about your brother being killed.

And that you might be doing some of these through tears, fighting through tears. Maybe, but also, sometimes this is how she cries. Maybe this is how she cries. You don't know how I cry. You don't know how I cry. Don't tell me how I cry. It's true because she doesn't.

My Jew lawyer said that they have a lot of stuff against me. DNA at the scene. I said, fuck you, Jew, and I'm gonna fight. She doesn't blink, she really is. No, she's so passive. She's so calm and. Hi everyone, my brother got killed. Bummer.

Anyway. It's so like. It's crazy. Blase about her brother's murder. He's dead, the guy you love is dead. But it really is about her asshole lawyer who doesn't want her to get on TikTok. He is a piece of shit though.

Yeah, like she's starting the fight with a lawyer. Let her on the talk. Crazy. I mean, that lawyer let her know quick too. I mean, this probably just happened. It seems like you gotta plead guilty. 20 is the best we're gonna get. 20 years.

20 years. She'll be out by. She's as fucking 17. 20 years. That's 27. That's 37. Let her do it. Let her do that to her.

Let her do it. Mansplain. Let's do another one. Christina, if she was 19 and they gave her 16 years. Oh, no, no, no, forget it. Well, come on. 47. What is it?

If she was 19, they gave her 16 years. Hold on, hold on. 35. Well, I carried the one. Really? Am I right? I'm retarded. Okay. You guys didn't need a clap for her.

No, that's big. I'm really not. Is that big for you? Meh. So how does this go with the house with like stuff? It's tough. Oh, I don't do numbers. Yeah, not around the house, huh?

The kids like, mommy, I had 37 pieces to this. Bro, have you seen first grade math though? It's, I can't do it. I don't do that to me. That'll embarrass, I can't do it. It's totally different now. That's why I'm starting to question everything I've known about regular math,

because I'm half learning my kids' method. Well, I think about that sometimes. My first grader really did this, like for real, this isn't a bit, and I was like not paying attention at first, I was kind of hearing him. Whereas his brother started, he goes, what's nine plus nine? And then the older one who's in first grade goes 18.

And I was like, what's 18 plus 18? And he goes, 36. And I was like, wow, he's a first grader. That's pretty good. And then he takes over. And he goes, 36 plus 36, 72. And I was like, get the fuck out of here. And then he goes, 72 plus 72 is 144.

And I'm like, I just kind of turn. I'm like, how long is he gonna do this? And he goes, 144 plus 144 is 288. And I was like, okay. And then I go, and then he stops. And I go, what's 288 plus 288? And I have no fucking idea what it is. No.

I was scared you were gonna get that high. At 144, I was like, I still got this. And then he goes, he goes, whoa, it's, is it 567? And I go, fuck. And I took my while. I think he was like a digit off or something. Like, I think it's, right? It's like five, 76 or something.

Well, yeah, 76, yeah. 288. Yeah, 576, right? Yeah. Times two. You could have just done times two. 576, yeah. But he said, he said 567.

Pretty good. Yeah, he swapped it. I was like, wow. I was like, and then I was thinking, I was like, you're trying to remember when you might be able to do, I was like, there's no way I was doing that first grade. Well, can I ask you something about him? Yeah.

Does he like trains a lot? Yeah. He stares at the sun most of the day. Okay. We need to, we have to test him for something. If you don't mind. He, can he count matchsticks? Does he ever look you in the eyes

or does he always look at your chest? He stares up. Just up at the sky. Okay. I'm gonna send a test over to the house for something. It really like fucking threw me. I was like, all right, dude. He ever eat his own teeth?

Yeah. He does, yeah. Okay, I'm gonna send something over. It is really scary to think like our nieces are both unbelievably smarter than us. And it's like gross. It's a little gross. When she talks about stuff, either of them,

they'll go, oh, and we're learning this and this and this. And you know what's so cool about Mars? And she'll just vomit information. And I'll go, that's not that. First of all, it's not that fucking cool. Back the fuck up. Second of all, who knows if all that shit is true. Okay.

Like, I don't know who you're hearing that from. She's like, my teacher and these books. I'm like, fuck the books. Fuck your teacher. Fuck your teacher. That bitch is dumb. So I don't like all this bullshit that these kids are getting in their fucking heads.

It's a little bit too much. Smarty pants. Last night, I'm not kidding in the Uber. I did think to myself, I was writing, I was finishing out a joke in my mind. And then I went through like adjectives, pronouns, you know, like participles. I was like going through that idea of all that stuff

that we learned when we were kids. And I don't know any of that stuff. I don't know. What's a participle? Do you know what that is? No fucking idea. Isn't that sad? I have no fucking idea.

I don't think I ever did though. That one? Here's the things that I know. I mean, I'm not joking here. Adverbs and all that shit. Nope, don't remember. I know that a noun is a person, place, or a thing. Yeah, that, oh, I'm good.

Verbs are actions. And that's it. And then I only know pronoun because it's part of like, it's cultural now, so that's it. By the way, we're paid money to talk. Just want to put that out there. People hand us money and go,

talk to me about stuff. And we don't know what a participle is. No, no, it isn't. And especially when somebody tried, if you go, somebody said that, it's a word formed from a verb. And used as an adjective. Okay.

Or noun. Working woman burn toast, by the way. That's the perfect example. And because they do all the fucking time, these broads. Good breathing. English participles are also used to make compound verb forms, is going, has been.

I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't understand it. And I'm not going to use it. No. It's not going to land on me. And I also feel like, you know, this takes me back to high school when you go,

like personally, I was like, I don't get this. I don't get algebra. Nope. When are we going to use it? And they're like, oh, you're going to use it. Like you're going to, your mind is going to benefit from having like getting this. I was like, I don't know.

All these years later, you go back and you go, where, when did it come into play? Dude, I dropped cursive the day I didn't have to do it anymore because I'm, my handwriting is atrocious. Mine too. I mean, it looks like I'm having a stroke as I'm doing it. And cursive scared the shit out of me because other people were very good at the fluidity

and I'm never been good at writing. So that was an arena filled with people. And if I had no material would scare me less than cursive in front of someone I don't know. Signing my name at the bank. Like when a woman's like, oh, the bank teller's like, oh, you have to sign this. I'm like, fuck, fuck.

I panic. I'm like, here. I've never admitted to, but when I do shows, there's always a backstage, there'll be a stack of posters and they go, you need to sign these. And then I start signing and I'll go, and they like, what do you, I go, these are bad signatures. And then I'll get on a rhythm of like,

oh, this is a good one. And then I feel like pride in like these five. I'm like, these actually look decent, but most of the time I can't even make my own signature look legible or like decent. I'm like, the S looks like a five. The, it just, it's a mess. So who do you pick to give the good five to?

You're like, give these to good looking people. Well, that's what I do. Some of the August can get some of the fuck out. I'll tell my, Kier, who works with me, I'll be like, never give the good ones to an ugly person. You know, like give them, give them to like a good looking little hotty, little hotty broad, little stacked dude. You see a sloppy guy,

I won't give him the shit signature, you know. I don't like signing stuff. It makes me, I do understand why like really famous people had stamps. I heard that Bob Dylan story. I didn't know if you heard that. What? Well, he had this limited release book come out

and everybody, and it was like really limited. And he has, you know, obviously rabid fans and they were just so excited. And they paid like thousands of dollars for a book. For a book that he put out. And they got, what, sorry, sorry, 600, sorry, 600 dollars.

600 bucks is still. So a lot for a book, right? Fuck off for a book. And with the promise of the book being signed and it was auto signed at the, at the publisher. Oh, at the publisher. And it was this whole scandal where you had to eventually like,

he never addresses anything. Sure. But it was so overwhelming that he had to actually come out and address it. There it is. Yeah, that he was told, he was told by the publishers that this was a routine thing to do.

Right. And so he was like, he blamed, you know, he told me it was their fault. Now, do you think he never talked about it because he doesn't want to? Or because he can't, because he's a tough, tough guy to live. I mean, do you know what I mean when he's.

It's, I don't like it. Tom and I both hate Bob Dylan. I'm not a fan. I'm not a fan. I'm a big fan of YouTube. I've heard, I'll never be swayed on who people celebrate. The more I know you guys as years have gone on,

the more I like you guys. Oh, wow. Thanks. Yeah. Bob Dylan music. Dogs. You couldn't care less about it. Oh, but he.

Springsteen don't care. Oh, he's a poet. He's a martyr. Don't fuck yourself and fuck Bob too. Go ahead and give me a signature. He's a poet. I wanna see it. Oh, see, this makes me so nervous.

I'm gonna send you mine back. But why? Do you have like a learning disability? Yes. Or you have motor skills? I'm a comedian. What do you mean do I have a learning disability? You think I got into this because I was good at it?

No, this is where we go. This is where the bad boys who had to go to school in the trailer and the parking lot. This is where we end up. I went to a trailer thing too. I know you did. We all did.

Okay, so I'll give you two. Are you gonna give me? I'll give you what I do at the bank. Okay. And I'll give you what I do for the posters. Let me see. So this is, that's poster. Oh, I like the flair on it.

That's poster. That's really good. A poster, here's what I'm guessing. If you don't have the right speed, it looks worse. Exactly. I have to go fast. That has to be fast. And then I'll show you, this is bank.

Oh, no. I don't even know. Okay. I know it. Oh my God. Oh my God, that's it. I swear to God, that's it. It's an A and an S and a T,

but it's bad, it's bad, it's bad. Wow. I get nervous, I can't do it. But this I worked on so hard to spell my name. And because I learned, this is so cornball, but I learned there was a famous, I wish I knew this story right. I'm gonna tell it wrong.

There was a celebrity who saw another celebrity, athlete signing stuff. And he said, what the fuck was that? And he goes, I'm signing a signature for the kid. And he said, if the kid's gonna take the time, and a young kid's gonna have the guts to come up to you and ask for an autograph, you should take the time to sign your fucking name

so you can read it when he gets home. And I don't remember who it was. And then that celebrity from then on said they spelled out their name every single time they signed something. Cause your bank signature or your fucking contract signature or whatever, it's always gonna be a sloppy who gives a shit for some people.

But I always sign my full name if I can. That's nice. Well, because I get so scared that I'm like, they're gonna see my bank sloppy. Your poster one's pretty cool. I like it. It's not bad. It's great.

I like how you make the S go through all the other letters, like a sword. That's kind of neat. The first time I ever did it, I was on accident. It's a good idea. It was an accident. And then I was like, I guess I got this one. That's kind of cool.

Yeah. But also it's, my handwriting itself is like a child. It's a child. I don't know, Tom's got pretty bad handwriting. That's why computers, I'm like, why am I, I don't need to write it anymore. I'll just compute it. Yeah.

Who here has the best handwriting of these? Who, like, is theirs gotta be? It's definitely not in the dog. No, no, no, no, no. He's scratchy. Why would you say that? Aren't you scratchy, writes? I don't think so.

I think no. I feel like you have bad handwriting. Because you got, everything else is going good in your life. I think handwriting is bad. I haven't seen everybody else. Because you're a smart, sexy, cool. I mean, these are like.

Here's my handwriting. It's not great. Those are versions of it. Wow, these are sexy. Guys, if you get one of these at home. That's a good one. You see how the middle one? See how the middle S is a bad S?

But it's still cool, look at that. I don't think so. See, I prefer when the S has more flow to it. Yeah, that's a bad, for me, that's a better version of it. Tony Stark. Oh. Tom Square, Tony Stark, who knows. Who else could you be?

Tom Selleck. Tom Selleck. Who else could you be? Tony Soprano. Tony Soprano. You're a bad boy. You a little gangster bad boy. Got him from New Jersey.

Are you from New Jersey? You a little gangster bad boy? I'm a good boy. They should do it. If they did a remake of the Sopranos like that. Oh, you're gonna go kill him? You little bad boy, you're gonna go shoot a bing, bing, bing boy? Got to the strip club.

Text me when you're back from killing him. From dismembering that hooker. Speech impediment. Sopranos. You stupid witch. You ready for more talks? Yeah, I'm always. Fuck yeah.

Hell yeah, dude. Yeah, dude, that's funny. You gotta kick harder, why are you kicking so soft? Shoot it. Look at his mom. Look at his mom. Get that fucking raccoon out of here. Now it's on her arm.

Still off your kid. Throw it. Throw that. Yeah, you throw that as hard as you can. She's trying to get the kid in and then she'll throw that fucking raccoon. Oh, she's got it by the scruff. That's high.

There you go. One, two. It's rabid. Oh, she's telling the other kids to get in first. Dude, she's. No, no. Oh my God. Good mom.

By the way, it's gonna live through that. Yeah. Well, yeah, but it's rabid. I don't know if it is. He's gonna go right back inside the house. She's saying, we don't know that it actually is, right? But it's attacking, it doesn't matter, right? You want to take.

Oh, I know it's waiting for the school bus to the background. Yeah, more victims on its way. She threw it right back out. That is a great final shot. Yeah. That's like Stanley Kubrick is like. And in comes the school bus. That's so creepy.

Also, that little girl, bad on her. Bad on her. Bad, have some better skills. How are you gonna kick like. Yeah, just like you hit it, dude. Also, let the dog out. Yeah. You hear it barking.

Let the dog out to bite that fucking thing. That was a big dog. Yeah, you heard. Go let that fucking guy out. This is Subway Creatures. This is a great account. Oh, right. This is Subway Creatures.

And this is a voodoo doll. This woman is stabbing the voodoo doll. You're gonna get awesome, man. Can I tell you, you know who she's stabbing? The Philippines guy. That's his, that's. She's stabbing. That's Debbie.

That's Debbie stabbing the fucking voodoo doll. I've seen stuff like this. This is not even, in New York, this doesn't blow my mind. Nothing. No, literally at all. It's amazing. I saw a guy, I've seen a guy painting with poop. It's 100% painting with his hands with poop.

And at first I thought, is that mud, blood, or poop? That's a game show I play in New York, mud, blood, or poop. And it was 100% poop, because I smelled him do it. But he looked at me a little bit, and it's almost like you wanna go, because you know, I don't want poop on me. Yeah, good job. He was a good poop painter.

Do more of it over there. Yeah. Very good. Very cool. Painting, finger painting with poop. Watch out for money again. That's the end of democracy. It won't be a fake article.

But I'm wrong. He has that right. I'm in the Constitution. It's just an interesting campaign manager. I don't know why Trump picked him, but I guess you gotta go with your gut. He's a man of the people. When you pick someone that has to speak for you.

What? This is what the people want, babe. Yeah. This guy knows what he's talking about. You never seen him? He's on CNN. Are you anti-Trump or something? No, no, no.

This guy's our guy, dude. I just, I wasn't saying that. No, I liked the message. Yeah, what's wrong with you? It was a messenger that was just, it was fascinating. What do you find so weird about the messenger? Well, nothing. I like giving a voice to the whole, all of society.

A voice to the voice list or the homeless? Well, that's what this is all about. I'm servicing marginalized communities. You have always said that. The underrepresented. The underdogs. That's who you've always been since I met you. Someone that services the unheard.

The people. Yeah. Yeah, he's not glamorous. He's not gonna be on Instagram. No, he's not. But he's on TikTok. He is on the talk. He is.

This guy's biting his, oh no. Oh, you're Rick Glassman. You've got Rick Glassman at the, he smiles. That smile is fantastic at the end. He's like, oh, hello. Yeah. Hey, ciao. So Italian.

That's very Italian. It's very, is it? That's Italian. Oh yeah. The Italian just don't care. Like, they're just like, whatever goes. I like to eat on my feet. He's eating all of his feet.

Yeah. But I gotta tell you, skills, very skillful to play. You can't put your foot to your mouth. You're gonna do this right now. Right now. Yeah, you got a train to catch. Yeah. What do you mean?

What are you gonna do when you get to the party? Then you gotta take your shoes and socks off. Where's the sock? It's the sock. He's cutting like a cuticle. He's just like, he found a cuticle. And he's like, hello. Hi.

Ciao. I do this constantly. But that's- Every little tutsi. One a tutsi. But oddly, his reaction makes me not grossed out by it. No. Because he, well, you know what?

He's wearing a scarf. He looks put together. You would immediately be like, I trust with your hands and mouth again all day. Yeah. Why do I find this endearing? Because he was like, oh, it's you. You're watching me bite my own toes.

You're the weird one. Why are you recording me? I'm doing my business. Yeah. Yeah, I have- He normalized it, as the kids say these days. It tasted like a pasta. I got you a pep.

If you looked at me, I got you a pep. I'd lose my shit. Yeah, that one, this guy's not one. So one of the pros about being in an open relationship is it removes the pressure to always have to do everything together. My husband and I have been nominagams for 12 years and I've always been a little bit of an adrenaline junkie.

And my husband's not. He's had times where I date someone who loves hiking and loves skiing and loves kite surfing. And we get to have those dates where we go skiing all day and go out to really good dinner and then hang out in the hot tub and fool around afterwards. Perfect. Would I love to have that experience with my husband?

Yes, but he doesn't enjoy the skiing aspect. And so if he did it for me because I love it, I would at the same time have this sense of kind of guilt that he's just not enjoying it that much and he's only doing it because he feels like he has to. And then that makes the experience a little bit less enjoyable for me. And I find it funny that I am filming this video

while I'm totally on an adrenaline high after getting to ski by myself for the past hour. I think the cool thing is to share this with the world. Yeah. You know? Yeah, yeah. You don't need to keep this to yourself. She's like, I'm on a double black diamond.

He's fucking a black girl named Diamond. Fair is fair, life is good. Later, it is funny to name all the things he can't do. She's like, he's not an adrenaline junkie. He doesn't like having fun. He doesn't like partying and good food. So if I wanna go meet a guy who loves all these things and rip my fucking pussy apart, then Toby, Dan.

Sounds like you don't like that husband of yours. He's fine. No, I don't. Just like make friends that have similar likes. Like maybe you have a girlfriend but you can adrenaline junkie. I don't know. You don't have to fuck her.

Oh, you could have just skied alone and not all the other stuff. I'm an adrenaline junkie. I like to ski alone. Yeah. That's all that. That could just be that. This is an excuse to just fuck other dudes.

That's all that. You don't come to the racetrack with me but I'm still gone. Yeah, right. I wasn't like, God, my wife hates to drive fast. So I found this girl who really does. We drive and then I fuck her at the racetrack. I fucked the shit out of her in the pit.

Then I go home to my dumb bitch who doesn't like fast stuff. Boring. But you know what? Again, do your thing, lady. Get the strokes. God bless, do your thing. We've come to the end and I hope we're going out on a banger.

Oh, you know we are. Here we go. Let's see what happens. Here you go. Oh my God. I'm going to throw up and I just had like my last sip of Miller light. I might fucking yari.

The sound. What was wrong with that? That was cool. Yeah, it was cool. Good job. Was he getting, he was getting up the courage to say something? No, he was just doing mouth movements.

No, this sounds like he was about to, he's getting ready to say something truthful to someone he really cares about. Let's hear it again. Oh, you really want to? Just one more time. It's a different sound when you don't have teeth, which is interesting.

Yeah, he's excited. He's about to tell you something. What are you going to say? This could be him asking for help. Yeah, that could be him saying help. It is sauna. I am trapped in my sauna. I'm alone in it.

Help me out. I'm alone in it. It's so hot in here. Can we just real quick though, congratulations on having a new Netflix special out here. Called Cheeseburger. Please go see it. You filmed it at the Paramount in Denver.

Amazing. Great spot. I did one there. I love that city. I love that venue. You guys are doing, you and Bob, you'll be on tour for the Bad Friends Live Tour. Yeah, that's good.

Dates are going to be up very soon at badfriendspod.com. And you play Peter in the film House Party, which is out now. Nice. It's out right now. Go see it. I hope you like it. You can't miss me.

I'm the white guy. Nice. If you see the poster is comical, it's literally, it's like a bunch of cool young black kids and then an orange guy. Oh, amazing. No, it's like comical. My fucking sister sent it to me.

I actually didn't even know what it looked like. And that's it. It's amazing. It's cool young black people. And then if you scroll up, you can see or zoom in. Oh, there you are. I see you. Just the boy in the back.

Yeah. Just the boy in the back. There he is, the boy in the back. There you are. Look at that, the boy in the back. What a wonderful. So it's like cool guy, cool guy, cool girl, cool girl. Who is the, who's that guy?

You know what? You need a white every once in a while. You gotta get a white. You gotta get a white. And a koala bear too. Yeah, that's my koala and that is mine in the movie. Oh, cool. It's my koala.

And season three of Dave coming in March. Coming in March, we finished. I did another one. I didn't realize you did another one. We did one more. I don't know if we might do more, who knows, but we come out in March, a lot of cameos. Nice.

A lot of famous people. It should be very fun. Kanye's in it, ironically enough. He's not. No, it would be insane. That would be. It would be insane. That would be so hard just to get the day going.

Yeah. If you're like, you know, you need it on set and be like, hmm, that's not happy. He was like from Alex Jones to shooting the Dickie show. Yeah. We're going to do one of those juice shows. That's how we're going to do Kanye. You go over there with those fucking evil people.

Man, it's fucking insane. Yeah, no, we have a lot of great cameos. Kanye is obviously not on the show, but it should be good. I hope people like this one. Who knows, you know, March. It's awesome. March. Amazing.

Congratulations on everything. Thank you. I love you guys. It's fantastic. Love you. Good to see you, man. Great to see you. So funny.

Thank you for coming. Thank you. We'll see you next time. Bye. Bye, bye, bye. Do you use the teen ledge wedge or use the slag? Slag. Slag, slag, slag, slag, slag, slag, slag, slag, slag, slag, slag,

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