Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - We Might Be Bi w/ Mark Normand | Your Mom's House Ep. 723

Episode Date: August 30, 2023

SPONSORS:-Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to get $200 off ANY mattress of your choice.Comedy! This week on Your Mom's House, Mark Normand stops by to talk about his new special Soup to Nuts, his workout routine, and to enjoy some of Tom's Horrible or Hilarious clips and Christina's TikTok Curations. We also get two new Cap Reports and a follow-up on bisexuality from a fellow comedian. Other topics include: How often to "sharpen your knife", what addiction to choose, and the recent resurgence of the R-Word. Finally, we're imposing a weight limit here at Studio Jeans and Tom calls Dr. Drew with a brilliant idea about educational content.https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

This week on your mom's house because the dog is actually training to do the New York City Marathon in November Yes You're gonna die There's Tommy on his birthday There's my sister's face I don't go to the bathroom in public. It literally exploded out when I got really Double right fire but it literally exploded out when I got really. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I got several rights, firehose. Well, welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house. This episode of your mom's house is brought to you by SOTVA. Do not forget to go to SOTVA. S-A-A-T-V-A.com slash the shit and get $200 off any mattress of your choice. They are the best mattresses I have ever slept on. They have incredible customer service. They have mattress takeaway service, which is, yeah, you get rid of that old dumpy, stingy grungy spring popping out of the side mattress. They take it away for you, set up.

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and like I said, amazing customer service from them. Go to satvasaatA dot com slash the thus shit and get $200 off any mattress of your choice. Welcome to your mom's house podcast. Now in 4K, you see every blemish that we have. No, I'm not so stoked about that. Jean, I know you're announcing a big show. You got to come in?

Man, I am so fing pumped, you guys. So let's start the beginning. September 7th, Toronto, Canada. There's literally like five tickets left. September 8th. You had your card there? Oh yeah. Yeah.

Man, thank you for asking. Okay. Winnipeg, Jizz and Peg, Canada. Yeah. Don't be retarded. September 14th through 16th. Momver. Yeah, that's...

This one's the best. Downtown Comedy Works. I's no great comedy vux downtown. Yeah October 7 This is the show I'm proud to announce a poly non-binary and I'll be doing and at the Venetian Resort this summit showroom in Las Vegas Nevada Yes, and then- You're the hour! Like a loved one state in Madison, Jizz, Conson.

Yeah. Christina P. Online. The R-Word. The R-Word. Awesome. I got a couple dates. Let's see. I got the ad in the show at the Chelsea at the Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas, September

or second. And I'm doing the Falls View Casino Resort in Niagara Falls, Ontario on November 9th. And then later this year, I will announce some big 2024 stuff. Oh my God. Some big shows, big big shows where basketball teams play. That's so exciting. Yeah. You know, agent jeans.

Big black teams, and then I'll be on their own. Do you think they make more come? They're black eyes. Yeah, there's like 11 of them. So yeah. Yeah. Agent Jean sent you this lovely, gosh, I don't even think it's a plaque. It's like a huge wall poster framed 3D thing.

And it's in the house, I'm like, where do I put it? It's awesome. It's stunning. It's an awesome thing. It shows every city that I performed in. You guys. It's 3D. It was huge.

And then it has all the stats from the, like, the shows, the cities, the countries, tickets sold, the box office gross, it's all in, it's humongous. But to, it looks like I'm like, look at what I've done, like in my house. I gotta put it somewhere, it's amazing. But I think you should go look at what I've done because not only did you do stand-up comedy

in all those cities, you physically ejaculated. Not in every city. I have to, I'm embarrassed, but I did not come in every city. Well, give me, give me an average, one in three, one in five, one in 10. Yeah, maybe one in, yeah, one in seven. Well, yeah. Is that how often you hold on to your chain normally? Well, here's a thing.

Sometimes you realize you're in the city for a few hours on that tour, because there were so much movement. I'd be like, I wanna come, and I was like, I gotta do the show, you know? I'm like, we leave. And I'd be like, fuck, I didn't come in that city at all. Yeah, what a bummer. It's a real sad thing.

May, ask you personal questions. How often do you sharpen your knife, generally? Not as much as a mandal, what's his name? My talk, chia. I talk chia, I don't do it. He says what's supposed to do, 350 strokes a day, every day. Every day. Where, look, you dedicate time to your fitness,

why not dedicate time to shivering your sword? Well, I would, here's the truth. I would have much more control if I did. There would be no such thing as like, I think I'm gonna, you'd always be like, come now and then you would just come. Yeah. So I think we need to block out of how much time will it take you every day to do 300, 50 time, 50 time, 50 time? I wouldn't take that much time. No. I know. I'm being lazy. Let's get some. I'm being lazy. There's no excuse. I did not stroke your

dick three other than 50 times a day. We got to talk to Sean about putting this into the end of your workout. Yeah. Or the beginning. Why would you want to sharpen your heart? I think it's probably better at the end. I think if it starts that way because there's accident days. There's days where you're like sharpening and then you're like, oops.

Too sharp. And then too sharp and then you're like, and then you can't work out. So end of the workout. Sure. He might not want to be in the room now. He gets real mad at Farts. I can't imagine he would do some jacking off. Yeah, he gets mad.

Yeah, he's like, damn it dude. I'm like, what? You come on man. You fart so much. He's very neat. His room is very clean. He doesn't like when the weights aren't put back in the same way.

They're facing the same way on OCD. And he's not like, I've ripped horrendous hearts in gyms with him where he's like, he's just like, oh, I don't even know if we're gonna work out today. He just like walks away. Yeah. Do you do it while you're lifting?

Sometimes, yeah. Oh my God. I mean, sometimes I do it. Like I'll arrive and I'll be like, oh, I'm not, he's like, no, I'm gonna get it. It's not good. Cardio stuff, it's much easier to rip in. And we cool if you and Sean could sharpen your knives

together even after. I'll say it right now, I'm down. I'm down. What? You're just sitting in the gym after a hard workout. I like just taking pics out. Yeah. Let's finish this. You really got to warm me up though for that.

Because after a workout, I'm not like... You know? What do you mean? You're not fired? Oh, because you're all teed out. No, I mean, that's not true. Once I get like home showered, sometimes you get like that. But like in the immediate after,

I'm saying like the workout just ended, I'm not like, God, I wanna pull my dick right now. Oh, but wait a minute, maybe that's the best time to sharpen your knife, because you're not really mentally there yet. You could probably get 50 times, 50 times, 50 times, even faster because you're disinterested in it. Yeah, maybe.

You know? Yeah. Yeah. Comeested in it. Yeah, maybe you know, yeah, yeah I always hate that one okay you come take that one I hate any the only comment like is I you a cum slide that one's okay. Yeah, I Like our PCs get off. Oh, yeah, cuz it's so. Yeah. I like RPCs. Get off. Oh yeah. Because it's so weird. We did it when he got up.

So I go, okay, I'm going to come now. And he works himself up. He's like, oh my god. So easy. He looks like a snake that's going to regurgitate. He's like, yeah. Oh, come. Yeah. Who's that that I think that's you

That sound like I don't like that though at all whereas um 50 times 50 time left Where is he doing that in the most men have no circumstances? He says circumstances. Where is he? Where is his arm gonna come now? I don't know. Yeah, what page is that under, guys? If I'm not mistaken, that should be your... I'm not gonna have you in here.

Should be your RPG. What a calm down. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, baby, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, he put this on YouTube. Yeah. That was on YouTube. I'm so glad we got it before it was taken down. Can I ask you to do that? Oh, I remember. It was a video X4 440's. It's

having underscore Z148 970. I'm going to search for it. Any's face didn't like that. It's so funny. I saw your face during that and you didn't like that. Oh, yeah. Oh, I didn't. And so funny. I saw your face during that and you didn't like that. Oh yeah. Oh, I didn't. I already walked it out, I don't remember. Jesus. There's so much build up.

Do you know you're gonna come for that long before you come? Do you feel like he's... I mean, you have... You feel a performative at this point. That was performative for sure. I mean, yeah, you do have a little, yeah, you have a signal that goes,

oh, hey, this shit's over. That goes on and you know. But I usually don't go, yeah, you have a signal that goes, oh hey, this shit's over, that goes on, and you know. But I usually don't go, oh, fuck. All right, I'm gonna come now. Ha, ha, like no, that's, I mean, that guy's a porn star, let's be honest, like I say, porn star. I wanna make sure I make it directly, but I know, like when he makes it clear a lot of times

in his post and his videos, he's like, you know, I'm a star, like I'm a porn star. I was famous. I'm like, yeah, I'm not taking that away from you. I've known that you are a super talented. I think that's why you being upset bugs me. It's like, I don't want like the Hollywood elite mad at me. I don't want our PC like these are like super talented. Got like he's, he's up there with like, you know, in porn,

he's probably like, I would say equivalent to like a Rocco on Jeremy type. And then in comedy, I know I would put him in like a Lenny Bruce kind of Richard Pryor thing and like in hat making, I'm not sure who those guys are, but he's up there with them, you know? Like he's very talented. Yeah.

And I understand that. Of course, you're not diminishing. He's a performer. He's a very strong performer Yeah, all right. Let's um let's open the show here we go. I'm gonna tell you this my entire company my entire team if you don't have a six-pack you don't work for us No, I know I know it's called everybody's standard How about we raise them? How about we raise them? How about we raise them? How about you guys quick getting civilized and you guys quit settling? You know there's some people in this room that said, I would sue my company if they told me I had That conversation was for the one percent that wasn't for you. That's what's up. This didn't fit, God.

We're always ranting. She's dead. Don't bring anyone loving for this. Yeah. No, mother, the fuck is dead! Welcome, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Yeah, well, yeah, yeah.

We're talking to your mom's house. And Christina Pajit's in prison. And Christina Pajit's in prison. Welcome to your mom's house. Uh, where did you get this? Uh-uh. Uh uh. This is dope, man. It's interesting, because he's obviously super jacked,

but he has that burk skin hue, where it's kind of reddish. Well, he probably just exercised, huh? You think he's just flushed with alcohol and testosterone? Why does every jack guy have to dress in super tight spray on clothing? Because they want to show you how jack they are. I know.

I feel like I see everything, like those pants are soo... He's literally talking about six packs and you're like, oh, I can see it through the shirt. Yeah, I'm here for it. You like it? Yeah? Tight?

No. I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I just feel like the pants are ultra tight. Yeah, I'm showing you. And when you're giving a speech, it's a little distracting for me. That's all that's on purpose.

This is not an accident. Yeah. Who's getting fired first for not having a six pack? Well, if we didn't plan ahead of that policy, it would be any here all alone, I think, doing everything. I don't think I can hear the sex packs. But I like it. I think we should adopt something like this. Okay, what's our thing? I don't know, but I think it should be fit. I think there should be a wait limit. How about just like a wait limit? Yeah? That's due to your case. For a women and men, women it's gonna be 118.

Oh, yeah. And if not, that's so hard for me to do that. I'll let you suck cock, cause I'm a good sport, but other than that. Ah, stupid. So dumb. So dumb. Ah, So dumb.

So dumb. He's the best. Rest in peace. For guys, what do you think? 185? I don't know what's good. 150? 150?

That's pretty. Lean. Yeah, that's very lean. That guy probably weighs 150. Yeah. Could you imagine if we put weight limits, we get, so it's not illegal. I don't know.

I think it is. Yeah. And they're like, do you fly or something? Like is there a reason you're like, no, we sound like fat people here. Yeah. What is, what was that? I'm trying, I'm trying to find that one.

Oh, I know a standard, studio gene standard. Yeah. You have to have nice teeth. Hmm. Like you can't be missing Yeah. You have to have a nice teeth. Hmm. Five. You can't be missing teeth. You don't have bad teeth. I have horrible teeth. I'm really good at hiding them because I've had them for so long, but yeah, I busted my

teeth when I was a kid. Really? Yeah, so my front four, they're kind of... That's not bad, dude. Yeah, I'm seeing it right now. When we took an hour to time, is what I told her? Going an hour to time. So what I'm looking for now is like a hundred to a hundred...

Yeah. Long legged. Yeah. Really a beautiful fucking tiny ass. Nice. Yeah. That was the man right there. I could get down to that, but I would just have to stop eating entirely.

What's wrong with that? Coffee all day. So do it. I did get that thin. Raise your standards. My summer at Starbucks when I worked there, because that's all I did was jacked on coffee all day. Easy, do it, man. We've almost be formed looking big boobs. Oh, cool. I have to be real big. I'm more of an ass man. I went to a little ass. I can do it. He's fucking so cool. Yeah, he's out of his mind. I like it. Let's have the Fed Smoker standards here. Fed Smoker standards. Yeah. Pure lady. That's it. Got you. You gotta have huge tits. Kind of a nice ass. And,

nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. 125 max. The way you in the morning at the door. Ha, ha, ha, throw you by your hair if you're not. I love it. Out in the barn. I love it.

I was watching a TikTok of this Korean girl. And she's like, I went back to Korea and I gained 10 kilograms. And everybody was like, you're so fat and disgusting. You need to lose weight. And I was like, oh my, she doesn't even look that fat. Like, she just looked like a regular American-sized. Like, they want her to be real real then. Foreigners have different standards.

Way different than the US. We have a really loose, fife and stuff. Why different standards? We have really loose fuxx. Yeah, yeah. Same in Hungary, they'll be like, you're so fucking fat, I think. When I would go to Peru as a kid, like it's like, you know, as soon as I was 20 pounds overweight, they were like, hello fat ass, like that's how they reach you.

And they'd be like, do you want to skip food today? Like you're so, like they would go really. Oh yeah. Yeah. That and they'd always like do you want to skip food today like your sofa like they would go really oh, yeah, yeah That and they'd always tell me I dressed like shit to when I was over there You know you were jeans all time. Oh, yeah Yeah, you dressing like you were going to the park or something. You don't want to look nice in Spain They said you know how we I remember the lady I lived with her son was older and he came by he goes You know how we can tell if someone's American

and I was like, how? He goes, because you guys wear pajamas to go out. That was like, what? It was not wrong. He was like, you guys dress like shit. And I was like, nice. It's true, God damn. I mean, you and I see it all the time in the airports.

People wear pajamas and stuff. We saw it at a school. We went to an orientation thing for our kids and we were like, man, these are the parents. They didn't give a fuck. They didn't go to fuck. They only give a fuck. I tried to dress a little nice because you're like, I'm representing, you know.

Yeah, you're representing the sagura family with the kid. And then you're like, you see this guy in like, like slippers. Yeah. And a tank top and you're like, okay, all right? It's crazy. That's your level. It's very nice.

I know my parents even taught me to dress up when you go see the doctor. Like even if you're feeling ill, you dress up because it's like you're gonna. You know the word suit, but it's like, yeah, I think here everything is like, no, too, too last. Comfortable man, you gotta be comfortable.

Okay. Jesus. Okay. Anyway, I'm super pumped. Yeah. Because I have a cap report for any. Oh my Anyway, I'm super pumped. Yeah. Because I have a cap report for any. Oh my God, okay. Beautiful.

I wanna see if it's any approved. Okay, okay. It's inspired by a video that you're gonna be playing in a minute, just to have it. Yeah, I have it. Okay, so let me just say, and I happen to agree with this. This is so crazy. I believe that lactose intolerance is cap.

Any? This, it's been a long time coming. You know, they've been skating through this for too long. Oh yeah. I think it's lactose intolerance. It's the peanut allergies. Yeah, allergies. Thank you.

No, don't do that. Like, okay, first, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no It's worth the flavor. You know what you do? What? Grow the fuck up. Grow the fuck up. What are you guys talking about? Just eat it. You just can't even fuck up. You appreciate that you just got a very nice treat, okay, that you could afford and, you know, okay, well, what is there to be upset? Here's what the, Crybaby Pursuits, what it is.

Deepstate website, meoclinic.org has to say. People with lactose intolerance are unable to fully digest the sugar in milk. As a result, they have diarrhea, gas, bloating, after eating or drinking dairy products. The condition, which is also called lactose malabsorbs absorption, is usually harmless, but it symptoms can be very uncomfortable. Two little of an enzyme produced in your small intestines is usually responsible for lactose intolerance. Because they're weak. You can have low levels of lactase and still be able to digest milk products, but if your levels are too low, you become lactose intolerant, leading to symptoms after you eat or drink

dairy. This is incurable in people, by the way. You can do things to treat those symptoms, but you cannot cure it. Here is your ally that got you thinking this. If you are a lactose intolerant, you are a beta. You are missing out from life greatest pleasures, which is dairy, ice cream, whole milk, cheese. And all you got to do is tolerate. If you're stomach can't handle dairy, it shows a lot about your care. So, If you're stomach can't handle dairy, it shows a lot about your care.

So, to tolerate it, don't be a baby. That's what I was saying. This guy's eating ice cream with his six pack out. It's fucking crazy. That's a second ice cream. We don't wheel out the move. Yeah, that's what we do. And yeah, that explanation,

that was really cute by whoever wrote that, you know, about what they're going through. That's really cute, but you lost me at Unable. All right, there is no pant in our world. You understand? You gotta just do it. Just figure it out. And by the way, it's lactose intolerant. Like, oh, like you're saying, all you gotta do is tolerate it.

Right, like, I'm just, I don't, I prefer not to. Not lactose, you will die if you have it. Just like, I'm intolerant. Like, you did it here. Well, they're gonna have uncontrollable diarrhea. And you're like, so what? You think so? Have it. It's worth it it because ice cream's good. Cheese is better like cheese is amazing How come you know why you being a bitch? Yeah, just eat it and don't even get me started on gluten

Fuck your mother. I'm not doesn't exist at all. I don't even know what that is It's I don't even know what it is either and that's a total bullshit. Well, all right That's a fuck. I think by the way if it is either and that's a total bullshit thing. Well, all right. That is a cap is fuck. I think by the way, if we make a cap report like ranking up there, number one is the gluten knowledge. Oh, gluten free? Yeah. Number one.

Yeah. And then ED, PMS. And then I do have another one for you. Oh my God, I do have another one for you this year. Let's hear it. It's a little easier. I don't think it's gonna get as many death threats. Yeah. But this one, this one It's a little easier. I don't think it's gonna get as many death threats. Yeah.

But this one, this one should be a little easier to digest. It is mirrors. Mm. Mirrors, mirrors. Our mirrors are kept. What do you mean? So when you look into a mirror, what do you see?

Reflection. Reflection? Correct. Okay. You see a reflection of yourself, right? Most people would say yourself. Okay. That's wrong reflection of yourself, right? Most people would say yourself. Okay. That's wrong.

What you're seeing is a manufactured flipped version of who you actually are and you're making judgments, you're looking at the mirror saying, I'm ugly or I'm hot or whatever, based on that flipped version of yourself. Right. You're lying deep. It's true. You're any, any cap report. Yeah is wrong, you're lying yourself. It's true. You're any cap report. Yeah, and there's a play at, do you

sound a fact at this point? And also, there's things. Multi-layered cap report. You can buy something called a true mirror that is an accurate reflection. You can? I almost, I try it, yeah, they're like 200 bucks. Do you hate yourself more looking at them?

Yeah, because it's how other people see you It's not the flipped image and so you see like how wonky your your bit because you haven't actually seen a true reflection of yourself I don't know if I can handle that. I know it's terrible Get it and then we throw it in the trash Look at it once and we'll fuck this And the thing is I know there in in later in life We're gonna look back and be amazed that we used to mirrors and thought that it was okay.

We're gonna go, why did we think this was an honor? I'm not gonna be amazed. A thousand percent. A thousand percent. We're gonna be like, why did we do that? That's so stupid. There's a lot to address here. Number one, first of all, as you guys know,

our very own Nadov is anti-trans. You can get that shirt right now. Anti- anti-trans. You can get that shirt right now. It's on transitional lenses. You can get that shirt right now in the still wore support that caused. Go ahead. Should we explain it for the people that didn't hear it on the last episode?

No, that was on that trend. Yes, please explain it. Please explain it. There are people in society that Nidav is not a fan of. And he doesn't believe they have rights. And those people happen to wear transition lenses. I feel like it's a very long way of getting there. So I prefer to use the anti-trans.

I never said your rights should be taken away, Tom. Yeah, but you mocked them for being happy. You mocked them for existing. I just asked, A, those transitional lenses. Yes. And then you said yes, yeah. Your trans intolerant looks like these pussy Sedoni dairy, you know?

Yeah. Some people wear transition lenses because they don't feel like, you know, going through the whole procedure to correct their vision through surgery. Yes. And then they wear the same glasses, indoors, outdoors, and the lenses help you out, right? The lens is transition for you. They're not pointed out today that I was wearing sunglasses and he was like,

oh, I guess you're by. You're not wearing your transition lenses. But it's a perfect segue. Well, it's a perfect segue to a cap report that we had recently. We had a cap report recently, which was that bisexuality is cap. No, no, bisexual men are a cap. Okay. Not bisexual women. That's standard. I said I have the perfect person To comment on this and he has sent in a video Kind of explaining it all. Why don't we go ahead and give this a watch and a listen. Here we go. Hey gang, it's your old pal Ian here. I just want to say I saw your little video clip, Christina. Yeah, I'm a bye guy. Sorry you can't wrap your head

around you. Cool, right? Yeah, so you can't wrap your head around a fucking complete hell of God's design. Who kind of a bitch-bestered God would make a man unable to be content with one sex, be able to settle down, have a life? No, he's got to make- he's got to make me- I yearn for delicious cock! And-and-and-and desire! Wonderful pussy and buttholes! Why? and desire wonderful pussy and buttholes. Why? Of course I'm making stops in Gaytown.

And then I'm going to delicious pussy village. Mm-hmm, yeah. I'm gonna make a quick stop on Trans Boulevard. No one of the embassies, that area's a little crazy. But I know one thing, yeah. Insta- you, producer guy, black, that one. Yeah, you think, you think guys know best? You think that's what it is?

No, you ever been with a guy named Rique? You just suck it on his wing, and he's telling you to stop, because you're being too toothy, huh? You ever have a penis in your skull, and you can't make the guy come, and you're going, what the, what the fuck happened to me, man? How many value at all?

Shit sucks. I am what I am. I do what I want, when I want with who I want. Alcombo fuck with anyone fucking things, right? You hear me dad? You're your best life. We're gonna run out of water by 2040. So he pussy give head to your dad, you know? Really? Yeah. Christina call me. I'm kidding. If you won't Tommy, please, please Tommy Yum-Yums, please, please. Wow. Great. Really impressive. Dean Finis with the Response There. I did his podcast, B and E, and with Jordan. He and Jordan Jensen do when I was in New York. They do in Brooklyn. And he and took me to get the best fucking fried chicken sandwich I've ever had around the corner from his place,

which I could plug the place, but actually I don't, cause I don't want you guys to all eat them all, they're too good. But check out that podcast. It's up there. I think it's episode 50 of Be an Ian. If you wanna check it out. He's funny.

He's really funny. And he's legit. He really is. The, let's see. He really is. The let's see what I'm gonna actually have a point of contention. Because we said there are no such thing as bisexual men. Yeah, episode 50. Sorry, episode 50, B and E and with Jordan is the episode I did with them. Go ahead. Yana, might I submit in defense of our cap? Yes, please. I said there are no such thing

as bisexual men. He said that he likes men, women, and trans. I believe, doesn't that mean that he's like pansexual? Just fucking anything. Right, so that's technically not bisexual men. Bisexual means male and female excluding trans. So... So Ian is really...

Pan, right? Not by. Oh, you know who just came out as pansexual? Yeah. Hahaha. Oh, Wayne Brady. I know. I remember, yes.

Yeah, the best was when he announced it. And it was like somewhere in the comments on Instagram, they're like, bro, we know. Everybody knows. Oh, sweet way Brady though. Good for him. We like him. Yeah, he's cool. This seems such a sweet guy. He bought us dinner one time. He did.

It wasn't because of us, but we were there and paid for our dinner. It was very nice. It's a nice gesture. Good for him. I hope he bangs everything he wants too. Well, he's been doing it. This is just the way to, you know, get ahead of it. Get ahead of it. Because that is the only reason you take out a press conference on your sexuality is when people are reporting on it. Yeah, you're like, I'll just go ahead and say something.

And by the way, we talking about it because it's just, I don't know, something to talk about, but nobody cares now. Nobody cares. even Obama, they found that letter, they came to a girlfriend at 21, and it was so eloquently written. That was like, the wording of that was actually hard for me to process. Sure, I don't understand what the guy was saying. Wait, what? See time out, Dix?

I don't mean that part. It was the words after it. I was like, I don't even understand what half of these words mean. No, I know. He's also, I think, but a Harvard Law student. He's brilliant. But I was like reading it. I was like, huh, but yeah, he goes, I, I, I make love to men. I have sex with men daily, but in the imagination, and then he went on and on. I was like, all right.

But also, everyone was like, holy shit. And then nothing burger. Yeah. And thank God, it's a big nothing burger now. Yeah. Now it's nothing. No, no's nothing. No, it gives a shit. Now you can live with AIDS. It's the best. No. You can get AIDS at the 78. Is that wild? Yeah. You chase wild. It's kind of a thing to chase now.

To chase AIDS. To our guys to do. Yeah. They're called like the gift or something. Yeah, the gift is the gift. Yeah. Are you gonna get it? I don't know.

Who cares? What if I do? But then don't you have to take the AZT and all that stuff. Yeah, you take steroids. Derrids are awesome. Right. So what? Who?

He. Whoever has AIDS. Oh, oh, oh, oh, dude. It's usually a dude that's going to give it to you. Yeah, it's a guy. Guys are going to give you AIDS. Definitely. Yeah.

Shakes can try and they have to just try harder. Try harder to get it. Yeah, men, they're the givers. Yeah. It's so crazy. He's just lived forever now. This guy that we found the educational member of the Butthole Nargai. How can I forget? It's been three weeks. He's lived in my heart. Yeah. He has, he's done so many cool things. So much cool education. He's the one that was like, So many cool things. So much cool education. That's tough.

Like he's the one that was like, let me see. Let's see, he did, you know. For reference, this is how Harry and my butt is right now. This is on YouTube. Okay. I just burned, yeah. Got it. Okay, so this guy showed us,

and he completely nared his asshole. And then I was like, oh, this has got to be. If you missed it, I was like, this has got to be like a bit or something, you know, or if it was up, it was one of those things where someone dared somebody to put something up and it's just gone. And no, it's stayed up, it has around 40 million views. And I was like, wait, what?

So we reached out to our YouTube rep, and we found out that if you're doing educational or documentary or artistic things, it basically means that you get special permissions that are usually not allowed in YouTube videos. And that's very, very much laid out by them. And that is why this guy's content is allowed to stay up on YouTube. And he gives like really explicit, obviously, you know, instructions, step-by-step stuff about everything about bottoming,

like being a bottom, and one would say homosexual relationship. The juicing your butt is the most important thing to do before seeing a hot man to ensure that you won't shard on him. So here is a full juicing tutorial. Step one, poop. You need to poop before you won't shard on him. So here is a full-ducing tutorial. Step one, poop. You need to poop before you do this because you want to clean out the natural way first.

So I'm almost ready to take a man because I poop all the time. Um. You're pretty clean down there. Yeah, I, um, let's see. You probably wouldn't even need to do this. Yeah. Step two, loop up this tip right here with water-based loop.

You don't want to shove anything up your butt dry without lubrication. That will cost you a trip to the doctors. Oh, good tunnel. Step three, find your butthole with this looped tip. Personally, I'm used to doing a half squat over the toilet and putting my animal bulb through the front, past my testicles, and passed my taint.

That's the path that I take. Also I discovered I was surprised that you don't have to be completely serious in these. He also is like joke, kill joke around. But since the information is the education, it's a lot of... And he doesn't use scientific terms. He said taint, which I'm pretty sure is not in the heart of a medical. It's not. It's a lot of it doesn't use scientific terms. He said, taint, which I'm pretty sure is not in the heart of a medium. Yeah, that's right. We're made for.

Unclench your butthole while it's painting. Putting this tip inside your butt. No one talks about how important it is to unclench your butthole. When the tip of your animal bulb goes inside, he really speaks clearly into numbs. Yeah, sure. Dice.

What a great spear. I really like watching them. Step five, squeeze the bulb to put the water in. It's really important to not put in too much water when you're juicing your butt, because when you do, you only need to clean out your rectum. If you put in too much water and water travels past your rectum

and hits the sigmoid colon, you risk triggering other poops up there that would not have bothered you in the first place. Now see, this is where this became very educational. Yeah. Because this is something that most people, myself included, did not know. And as he says that you're like,

oh, okay, don't put fucking fire hose worth of water up there. Just clean out your, so he's actually, he was saying he's very, he's educating people. We've watched people dooshche anal douche on this Program and rain remember rain and didn't she put like an entire bag of urine in her colon or coffee or something and that's a whole bag So that that's gonna go into that large intestine. It's yeah, so there's so much. Let's see step six Leave the water in your butts for about 30 seconds to In the step I would have out of known the time. I would have immediately emptied it out

I feel like I gotta go run some errands. I'll come back in six hours In my mind that's like helping it clean out. Yeah, like the butt plug girl. That was also some of stop clean out, clean out, like the butt plug girl. That was also sub-a-stop. Step seven, poop out the dirty water. It's always going to be dirty at first. Don't worry, this is normal. You are going to see poop chunks on the toilet bowl, even though you literally pooped.

Earlier, don't be freaked out. It'll get cleaner and cleaner as you keep going. Step eight, repeat three to five times or until you're fully clear and clean. And step nine, get fucking railed. And am I right? But I got us thinking, and I really feel like we need to do something about this.

And that is, why don't we do some YMH produced educational videos? Most definitely. And I think the only way to do that is to have a doctor involved and we happen to have a doctor that does shows here. So, I know what we're perfect. So perfect. Hello. Dr. Drew. Yeah, gentlemen.

How you doing, man? You're on your mom's house podcast. We, big fans nice to meet you. It's to meet you too. I'm strangely, I'm interested enough was watching Christina today. I'm wearing my mom's hat talking to more young ladies whose badges were drying up. Yeah. The men dared to be sensitive to something. It's on. But here we go. Isn't that unreal? Wait, that like these fucking dumb bitches are complaining. It's on. But here we go. Isn't that unreal that like these fucking dumb bitches are complaining? It's not exactly what I meant. You, I just said it for you. I know what you wanted to say. Okay.

Thank you. But, so we're very excited. I want to tell you that I got so excited about this. We almost have not been able to sleep because I wanted to ask you this so much. So we found out through our YouTube reps that there are special permissions given to videos that you upload that are educational or documentary or artistic. And one of the things that you can do in these videos is push the boundaries of what is normally not allowed on a YouTube video. And we found that there's a lane that we can get involved in. And I thought it would be great to have you with us in this.

And that is medical educational videos. And so what I was proposing was that you sit, come to the studio and we have a volunteer, like a real person, that you teach them how to check for, how to examine their testicles, you know? But they're naked, I mean, it would be, they'd be fully nude and you'd be wearing gloves and you would just like, it's like you're in your exam room.

Same thing for like how to check your breasts. And these videos would serve a purpose in that they're not joking videos. They're educational. No, because nothing on your mom's house is joking. No, no. But in this case, like I'm not asking you to jack a guy off, you can if you point to, but I think if you were to, I mean,

you could think how would that, how would that be education? Well, you could be like, Hey, if you don't know how to masturbate, here's how to do it. You know, yeah. And then yeah. And then since walking through the process of the biology of ejaculation, yeah, that's there. Okay.

So that's the first video. So, um, you know, prostate stuff, breast stuff, but like it would be something that we would upload here on our channel and we would clear it with our YouTube reps first, but I was wondering, would you be willing to do that? Would you be willing to educate the masses on how to do some of these things that are medical, but it would involve you and or and a participant who, you know, is volunteering to do it as well. Absolutely. You're forget we did the, yeah, you forget we did the the the breedment of Pilanadal cyst with

That's right and that was intended to be educational and maybe That should be my nurse and whatever these upcoming videos are that could be very or Or the subject. I would love for you to examine his testicles Because we've been I think I think for the first subject. I mean Pretty much has to come from somebody your mom's house. Yeah And also you know, who do I want to see their dick and balls? I'm trying to think go ahead. I don't want to What if we got like your type in here? Who's my type? I don't know, some fucked up looking guy with a... Vampire.

Yeah. Okay. Some strung out dude. Yeah, that's my type. So, we'll get some fucking heroin out of here for Christina. Yeah, first of all, it's such a relief. I thought the call for sure was going to be about bird christian in his his health. Well, you want to know something? Yeah, I talked to him earlier today. His doctor told him that you really need to like make some

changes and he's been making them. He's been he's not drinking at all. His doctor actually recommended. I know it's some, you know, some people find a controversial a keto diet, but he's been keto now for like 10, 12 days. He said he feels great. He's going to keep doing it. He said he's going to, he thinks he's going to do his whole next, he's going on tour here. He's going to do the whole tour sober, he said. Wow. And see, that's, that's the, that's the part that I didn't think we were going to get, but because he was, he was, I saw some of his Instagram posts about the keto and I thought, all right, good.

He's been going a little bit, it needs to be a way of life for him. You know, we need to get his exercise right too. But this is a big deal if he's able to not be so connected to his treats where he was and not have to be the party guy all the time. So good. All right, I think I think he's going to actually. The way that I spoke to him and things that he said, I think he's actually really going to stick to this,

this, this time. Um, he, because he, he knows he needs to drop some, some LBs for sure. Dude. Yeah. It's, yeah. So, but anyway, back to the case of videos. So, so you, you, you slipped in prostate in there. I know. What did you mean by that? Because there is no prostate self-exam.

No, I know, but maybe you could tell somebody how to prepare for a prostate exam, like as a patient, and what, like show them what happens during a prostate exam. Like, Nadav could be on all fours and you just go, this is what happens when you examine somebody. So how I knew we were going there. Yeah, and also, this guy has a very successful channel to show people how to bottom safely, like be a bottom in a relationship

and you could use Nadov for that. Or even how to remove inanimate objects from your rectum that might get pushed to you or in there. Yeah, that would have been important. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This isn't the job lane. Yeah, that's the job lane. Very much of the job lane, yeah.

But let's think more broadly about this. You know, I bet we can come up with a bunch of stuff. Yes, exactly. We're very excited. Yeah, and by the way, I can imagine that most of the guys that poof right now are shitting themselves, we're going to come to them next. Not one of them. But it'll be all voluntary. You'll have to be, you know, you'll have to be really invested in educating the public. Yeah, exactly. And the idea, the testicle thing is actually a really good one, believe it or not, and really

simple and really easy, and we'll get that one that immediately. Great. The great exam, the breath exam feels a little bit like, how do we get somebody to really sign off on that? Well, I'll tell you this. I think it has to be, I, uh, I'll, I'll take care of you on that. I'll get a nice pair in here for you. Don't you worry about that. All right. I know, we'll keep it super medical, but there's no need to have like, you know, a not hot pair of tits in your hands.

Okay. So, I will protect you on that. And Christina can pick the balls. I'll pick the tits and we'll have a nice. That's better, thank you. Yeah, Christina can. As we vampire balls, we find you as favorite parables. Vampire balls. That Asian guy. Vampire balls. He's got a nice better. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Christina can you ask me vampire balls? Five favorite parables.

Vampire balls. That Asian guy has got a nice set. They're very smooth and high and young. High? I think they were kind of hangy, aren't they? Let's take a look again. There. Hangy? I don't know. They look nice, though. I like those.

Those were not high and tight. Look how about the guy that's the caramel nuts. The testicles into his rectum. Dude! Yeah. Dude, we could definitely get friends with him. Yeah. Here's Paris.

Wow. Great patient. Great patient. Yeah. He can teach us how to show him. It's so amazing. It's so amazing when these creative minds get together. Yeah.

It's scary, guys. It is scary. Yeah. It's scary, guys. It is scary. Yeah, there we are. Here you go. Here you go. Let's see. Dude, his nuts are okay and his dog is okay. Who this guy?

Yeah, I like him. I like his hands are kind of small. He's kind of fai. Yeah. Sweet. Yeah, those are hanging pretty well. Yeah, those are good. They're out of there, but they're not tight. You're like they're high in tight. I know. It's so

weird to see a guy from behind like this. Yeah. That was terrible. I'm. That was terrible. Oh, look how nice that looks. It looks like a woman's badge. Yeah. Uh-huh. I think you want to change the name of where my mom's at to how to drive ad. I know right. Yeah. It seems to be a common theme these days. Where's my badge rank? Which one offended you the most? Was it the hot wheels clip? Not in befend me. It's just that it's just so curious to be that that all these years of hearing about toxic masculinity and anything that fears towards sensitivity, I'm with you, we have the Roush Ravolution, and I've been there for the beginning. But it's just, you know, so ironic to me, to hear the explicit drawing that goes from being other than a male.

I know. Women say they want that, but that's cap, right? It's complete cap. Cap. Yeah, it's cap. So cap. Drew, we're very excited about this. I say we brainstorm about some potential things we can do to a nude Nadav and we'll get, you know, we'll plan it out and we'll get to it soon, okay? Or bring pottery and he seems up for most things. Potter end to doff sounds good. I'm on nurse. OK, thanks a lot Drew. I'm glad you got it.

All right. All right, thank you. Dr. Drew, he's the best. Let's take a quick break and we'll be back in a moment. Ready in Chamesh, Arba Shelosh. Our guest today has a new special on Netflix called Soup to Nuts. You can see him currently on his you don't say tour in theaters all over the place. Check out Mark Norman comedy.com for your

tickets. Mark Norman everybody. I'm so glad you're here, because the dove is actually training to do the New York City Marathon in November. Yes. Get out of here. You're gonna die. Oh, take it out.

He's like a junior Seth Rogan. When you guys were doing the whole gluten bashing, he was real quiet. I noticed that fucking ginger heeb. Yep. And you guys were doing the whole gluten bashing. He was real quiet. I know that fucking ginger heep. Yeah So big old native has Big old native He was

Found out that he well, you know, he was Dealing to say he's trans. Okay. Oh, sorry. Sorry, he's anti-trans. He's anti-trans. He's anti-trans. He's anti-transitional. Anti-transitional lenses. So he doesn't like when I wear transition glasses. And so I'm trying to make it a thing that people will just say he's anti-trans.

God, I'm anti-transitional lenses. Right, but I'm saying I hate the whole, I spell it out, you can just get to a quick one. I was drinking a Bud Light earlier, he slapped out on my hand. Yeah, that's how he rolls. That's how he rolls. That's how he is. Him and Kid Rock, they're fucking...

No, no, no, no. They're just like this. Yeah, you killed a gay guy, so anyway. One of the things that we were talking about is time to get healthy. You know, it's time to get healthy. And he was like, it's true. I needed to lose weight.

I needed to get myself in a better place. So he took on the challenge to, and obviously if you're gonna run the New York City Marathon, you need to get, you need to drop weight. You need to start training. Oh yeah. So he's been working with trainers and nutritionists. He's dropped, how much are you down?

What are you down? I've dropped five pounds since last time you saw him. So overall, So overall, So overall, So overall, So overall, So time you saw me. So overall, like 25 pounds down. Nice. Okay, and that's great. And then he's gonna keep going.

Here's the thing, if he doesn't complete the New York City marathon, he has to get a tattoo, which is against his religion. Right here, Holocaust numbers. All right. All right. Good dude, Megas, get those. So yeah, Tom, I guess you're, you know,

bro Nazi. But I wanted to get, because his alter ego is an Irish guy, because we know in Texas they go Jew. So we tell people he's Irish so that they're still to make deliveries, you know? So his nickname among some circles is patio Callahan. He's not in Adavitskowitz. And so it's like you have to get,

if you don't complete the smirking, you got to get an Irish tattoo, like a chest piece or a back piece. Right, right. And so we're examining like different possibilities. Like this is pretty cool if you did this. Ooh, I like it. Father has been brother son.

Dude, Nick Donna. I think that's perfect. You getting this would be super badass. Yeah, it kind of makes me want you to not finish the marathon Very cool Something like that hell yeah, yeah Irish King bro. Yes. Yeah, you're looking at I honor Conor McGregor. Yeah, dude badass Well, it's very pro-American with the two Eagles as well. Yeah, it's got a tad of a little S-S in there. Doesn't it? It's got a little Nazi.

Yeah, it does have some edge to it. Right. I like that. Whoa! That's it. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. I don't know, there's still a few more. That's a lot of ink.

What does it say, even? Fighter, fighting. Fighting? Fighting, I-O, fighting Irish. Yes, yes a few more. That's a lot of ink. What does it say, even? Fighter? Fighting? Fighting? Fighting, I wish. Oh, so cool. No, no damn. Ooh.

That's really cool. That would only take what, how many sittings? 10, 20. Yeah, yeah. You can get there in a couple of weeks. Easy. Oh, Irish. Oh.

And that one's political. I like this. There's also this speaks to like, if you were to cut me open, it's Irish blood that you'll that one's political. I like this. There's also this speaks to like, if you were to cut me open, it's Irish blood that you'll find inside of me. I like that a lot. It'll cover his stretch marks. Pretty good.

That was a blend right into that. That was my first thought. Yeah. This is very cool. Um, and then. So, Calahean. Calahean. You're patio-calahean.

So, this basically, this is a preview of what's happening in November 7th. Yeah, I was thinking maybe something cursive like the sides of an index finger. What? Just like the shoulder, like just like right there. That's not enough. Yeah, concession. I think some compromise need to be made.

Compromise is fair, but I mean, come on, side of your finger. I was catatonic when I don't even remember green to getting the tattoo if I didn't cross. I legit don't remember agreeing to it, but I'm sure it happened. Well, it's on tape. I think it's on tape. I'm sure it is. Literally don't remember it. That was like, for real.

Oh, right, because you were dissociating that day. I remember that actually. That week. Yeah, because you're like staring at lights like, what am I going to do? So. Hmm. But you know what, Tom? You know what's the fair compromise?

What's that? What marks you're lit, him pick, which one you get? Oh, that's a great idea. Oh, hmm. But you know what, Tom? You know what's the fair compromise? What's that? What marks you let him pick which one you get? Oh, that's a great idea. All right. I like the chest, chest piece or the big Irish, the fighter. It could be none of the above too. That's a choice too. Mm. Okay. Well, and the neat part is we will be in New York City, the greatest city in the world. they have very talented tattoo artists there. We can make the appointment for November 7th and get the ball rolling. But then again, do you want to make the appointment

because the appointment is made if you don't finish? We'll just have it on standby, just in case, maybe. Oh, really like a standby appointment, not a bad idea. I don't think I'm gonna wanna sit down for a 15 hour tattoo session after I'm handicapped from running the marathon. I mean, it should be a perfect time. You'll sleep right through it.

That's right. Yeah, all right. Yeah, just for someone to bring me some tank killers. The little bugs, the drugs will be part of it. If you want to do it on drugs, I think it's fine. The fuck you better be. And if you lose, we'll get a trans person to do it. Yeah.

Just really put a little more sting in the wound. Yeah. Fire, it'll fire you up. I know you are. Yeah. Oh my god, look how much detail is in that. That's crazy. It's the shading, the face.

These normal skin tones in that bow. Yeah. This guy is a real fan. I'm gonna guess that this guy actually got this inside. You know, at least it started, you know. Yeah. And it was like finish it up when I'm done doing this 17 year sentence. But that's what you've got to love about the Irish Irish though, is like the Native American names, chiefs,

and whatever, the Indians, they change, but the fight in Irish is still just the drunk Mick Leopard con with his hat crooked, ready to go, he's about four foot one. I get drunk all day, that's the way. That's a cool culture. Right, we're fucking a mess here. Are you Irish? I have Irish blood, but I'm not like, you know. Yeah, you're Polock through through. Yeah, like 100%. What about you? I'm a half French half to still.

Oh wow. Well, you're very euro. I guess so, yeah. French, those are nice classy ones. Oh yeah, because Norman, that's the French part. Normal. Normal. Yeah. Yeah. Normal. Yeah.

Yeah. No more. Being French in New Orleans is like being Jewish in New York. Yeah. It's a part of the course. That's true. Yeah. A lot of people.

Now, do the French get tattoos to celebrate their pride? No, we do, but then we give up. Yeah. No, the French would be like, that's so fucking lame. No. Yeah. Well, yeah, it's gauche. Yeah. It's like being proud to be a gypsy. You know, like, that's so fucking lame. No, oh. Well, it's gauche. Yeah.

It's like being proud to be a gypsy, you know, like, but what do you guys like stoked on? Well, we're like, we're like, cousin fucking thieves, yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, dick-buckety. Look at the gypsy pride tattoos, because you know, they're so, yeah,

I can remember that gypsy show, the TLC. Oh, yeah. I like, we're a heart percent Roman-a-shale gypsy, you're like, you're not, you're trash. You're just trailer trash,psy. You're like, you're not, you're just a trailer trainer. Yeah, there you go. But this is different. This is like, what you're talking about, like those people on that show. That's the West Virginia, you know, right?

Traveler, the Roma, the people that we think of in Europe that are like squatters that steal and throw their baby at you. That's totally. Hey, is that your buddy? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but that lady tattooed on there that's just pretty. Rob the thousand people of their life savings. Yeah, that's your pin. How do you...

I don't know if they afford these. Tattoos are not cheap. No, and the O see hobos with tattoos. I'm like, that was 300 bucks. Yeah, you should have fucking had a meal this week. Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. By the way, that Ian finance video, he blew me.

So I can vouch. He's gonna- I was gonna ask you. The little dick room was really tickling me. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Do you think being by is legit? Wow. That's an actual man. Because that was. There was like, is a buy man ever not gay? No, always gay.

He's gay, 100%. Is Ian married? Ian fight. No, see. What are you kidding? See. What are you kidding? See.

I was like, I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay.

I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. No, always gay. He's gay, 100%. Is Ian married? Ian fight, not see. No, what are you kidding? See, I would marry that weirdo. He has a bunk bed. He gets around on a Pogo stick. He's a nut. He's crazy.

Yeah, yeah. Do you think lactose and tolerance is bullshit? Well, here's the thing about, I think it's real, but I think you had to push through. My wife has it and she's shit and blood all day long and she just lives with it. Well, here's the thing about, I think it's real, but I think you had to push through my wife has it and she's shit and blood all day long and she just lives with it. Yeah, she's a keeper.

Yeah, I like that. She's strong. The anils of mess, but good lady. It's bad back there. Is she very sensitive to dairy? Like, it's just like even a sip of milk in the coffee? A sip of milk and she's like, ah, I gotta go to the bathroom.

It's like four minutes. Wow. like a goose right out of there. Well, she needs to get her mind right, you know what I mean like It's right. I'm not being afraid of that milk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Sometimes you just have to go for it, you know, no matter what it is like Whoa, what's this? People are just making out I knew it was going No, yeah, that was pretty great. I know I don't know. I didn't like it. I didn't like it I actually thought it was the other one. There's another one

It's a brunette. I got you know I'm talking about You showed it to me. Yeah, she's doing some, it's a similar idea. Yeah, we're shooting pukes in the guy's mouth. Yeah, it's pretty awesome, they're making out. Yeah, same, same idea. So wild, how do you, dude, that could totally happen to anybody I feel like, like in the 20s? How did it not happen to all of us? I've had it on the dick.

There's a BJ. Yeah, she pews. No, I was blowing him. No, no, no. Yeah, just like a little gay, like, and then a little came out, like, like some yellow stuff. Bile, was she drunk?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, we all were. Now, what do you think of somebody who is doing buy stuff while they're drunk? Is that legit or is that a cover? Oh, interesting. Well, every girl, didn't you do that in college? You know the makeup?

Standard in the 90s for girls, I feel like. But for men, it's a big leap in society to go with a dude. Yeah, so that's a gay. It's gay. It means you really, really want that dick. You know what I'm saying? Right.

To go against society that hard. And then you can be like, it's because I'm drunk. Yeah, it's your perfect cover. It's a good out. Have you done it? Yeah, I fucked guys drunk. Yeah. Yeah.

It doesn't count. I didn't even get Josh Potter. Josh blew me when I was hammering. And he was like, you're a guy, I'm blind. And I was like, we both have a story. It's fine. It's fine. There you go. Yeah, maybe Josh has done it, it's time, it's fun. There you go.

Yeah, maybe Josh has done it, but he's blaming his bisexuality. Josh has definitely done some wild shit. Definitely. Dives, yeah. Yeah, for sure. He also has, I've told people, he's ridiculous game that you would not expect.

I know, really? For a guy, little guy, fucking dead eye, you know? Yeah. Does shoulder hair porn, like you're like this guy? And then I've seen him pull chicks where I'm like, wow, I'm ready. What do you do it? Like what's the game?

He is, I mean, it's all the stuff that you hear that you doubt when you're, I guess, you know, I mean, it makes more sense to you the older you get where he just, he doesn't apologize for being, he's not like I shouldn't be here. So, you know, he approaches like, yeah, like with some confidence. And he owns it.

He owns it. He owns it all the flaws. You own who you are, it always goes further. That is such the truth. Like, Duncan Tristle, we were talking about on where my mom's at, he's like, when I was a dishwasher, I was just a poor dishwasher and I was pulling that, pulling it,

he's that phrase, but he was like, I was dating girls. And I was like, well, that's kind of a great racket too. I mean, like, I'm just a humble dishwasher. Yeah. I eat your pussy. I'll eat this shit, you know? Yeah. I'm just just gonna be like, guy talking to a chick and then he'd be like, oh, your eyes are not

deceiving you. Mine is dead on this side. Yeah. And they're like, oh, okay. It's like, it's a conversation getting started. It's like more than half of the whole thing. Yeah. Yeah. So then they're like, what do you talk? And then they're like, oh, okay. It's like, it's a conversation getting started. It's like more than half of the whole thing. So then they're like, what are you talking? And then he's like, yeah, this line's going blind. And then you just see him talking. And. Wow.

But also, I think if you have a thing, girls are into you. Like, even if it, oh, I'll fuck this troll. It'll be my troll bucket list check. Like my buddy lives in a van. And he gets laid because he's the van guy. Right. Just the fact that like, oh, I'll fuck this van guy. This will be interesting or Brad Williams.

Yeah. You know, really interesting. What was your thing before you got married? Oh, that's a good question. Well, actually being a comic is definitely a- Oh, a comic. Yeah. Or I would just pay him.

Yeah. Yeah, hookers. But yeah, a comic's a big one. Comic, yeah. And I think that that's probably a Josh thing too. It's like he's meeting chicks at show, you know, they saw him at the show. Sure, that helps.

So, you know, you have a great set. They're, he's probably halfway there. But there's probably, he's so blind. He's probably talking like a fire hydrant. That's true. At some point and just started making out with it. Oh God, I have seen him too being like, oh my God, I almost hit this wall.

The walls. Yeah. He opened for me in Buffalo years ago, we got a hammered and he drove us home. And I'm like, what were we thinking? That's how I met him. Really? Same scenario, I met him at the Buffalo Helium. Yep.

He opened the show and he's like, I'll give you a ride home and he's driving me in this car and then it's snowing. Yes, yes. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, can you drive? He's like, yeah, it's probably not for Yes, yes. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, can you dry? He's like, yeah, it's probably not for a lot longer.

Yeah. This might be my last year. Maybe it cancels it. You know, the blind and the booze, they go together and then he can see perfectly. Jesus. Oh, you did the special, by the way, congrats on the special.

Oh, thank you so. If you haven't seen it, soups and nuts on Netflix, you did it at the Vic. Vic theater in Chicago. I think it's a great theater. Great room. Yeah, great room. It's kind of got that Wilbur thing

where it feels like a club, it's still a theater. And Norm has done one there, Bill Hicks, so it felt cool. And I'm the only idiot that I recorded on St. Paddy's Day. You did it on St. Paddy's Day in Chicago. I didn't know. I was like, oh, this date's open. Let's take it. And then I get there, the river's green.

Every girl's puking. Let's take it and then I get there the rivers green every girls puking You know it was bad It looked like the doves back Fadio But it all came together for you it worked out worked out. Yeah, it was fun and Netflix. I got a hand it to them They let me say everything. Yeah, I figured you with the R word, that was over the big Tardo, and they were like, ah, go nuts.

Well, here's the thing, it's back. Yeah. It's back. Hell yeah. Retarded is back. You can time to let them know again. They know they're retarded. Yeah, they sure do.

And here are your moms house, they never went away. That's true. That was the fun thing. Yeah, that is very, very true. Yeah. Have you heard Tardo? Yeah. So that's my so that's my mom. Oh really? That's my mom. That was great. Yeah. Yeah Oh, yeah, she uh she never She never learned certain things that like oh like you can't like, like one time, she'd probably kill me for telling this.

She was at the house. And word. And, oh, no. She was like, what does that mean? You can get her to say. But she was at the house with a friend of hers. And another, like, as older lady. And then I'm sitting there talking to them.

And she goes, you know, and then she says her friend's name, who's right? She goes, you know, so and so, has to go do this thing because, you know, her son is retarded. And I was like, I just went like this. I tried to carry them out. And I was like, yeah. And I just turned around because I was going to laugh out loud. Yeah.

And then she comes into where the room, she goes, why are you laughing? I go, because you just called the lady's son retarded in front of her and she's like, what am I supposed to call him? I'm like, well, I get it, but it's because she didn't know, like, if you're talking about somebody with like, if he just asked like, a severe learning disability, but in Spanish, you would just say that. Sure.

So she just said it and I was like, I was like, yeah, you can see the lady. She goes, she was, yeah, he has some problems. I was like, okay. But yeah, she doesn't have a. Do you remember that story in Florida where you guys had the bagger? Oh my God.

Please help us. So fun. I just, I love. So sometimes, like if we're at a stoplight and I see somebody with like, I don't know, MS, you know, like crossing the street. Oh yeah. So it's like, it's a severe limp.

I'll just be like, you leave this guy's drunk like at fucking 10 in the morning. And she'll be like drunk. He has a, he's disabled. I got nice as a drinker, you know? Just to like fire her up. Yeah. And so we were at the grocery store.

And this guy who's clearly disabled, bags the groceries, right? And we go out to the car and I go, something was off about that guy. And she was like, what? And I go, right? Something was like off about him. She goes, he's retarded. And I go, I go, no, something was like off about him. She goes, he's retarded.

And I go, I got him, no, no, no. But like, I couldn't tell what it was. We didn't use sense that he wasn't all there. And she's like, yes. You mean the retarded? Like, no, no, no. But like, you pick up on something and she's like, yeah, the retarded part.

And I'm like, no, no, no. But you can just walk her into these things. Yeah. She's so gullible. Soon she's going to be like, my son doesn't see retarded. He must be retarded. He I'm like, no, no, no, but you can just walk her into these things. Yeah. She's so gullible. Yeah. Soon she's gonna be like, my son doesn't see retarded. He must be retarded. He must be one of them.

Oh, she thinks I'm fully retarded. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's a given. We have the, is there a new one, the Colombian guy? Mm. Oh, you gotta see this. You said you paid for sex once.

Once, yeah. Would you pay for sex in another country? That's where I did it, Mexico. Oh, you got to see this you said you paid for sex once once. Yeah, would you pay for sex in another country? That's where I did it Mexico. Oh, oh, great. Yeah, guys He does these videos kind of all the time. Wow. Okay, guys, I had to take the short video. This is what he's talking to you. Oh, you all right? Braces.

She's braces. This guy can't take it a little bit. I don't. I can't take her home. Why not? Yeah, you can. You can. Yeah, you can.

Yeah, you can. Wow, I'd love to know what the prices go for in Colombia. Maybe he had his veneers done there. Oh yeah, they look good. Yeah. Give that a go. Give me a Colombian horror price range. Just out of curiosity.

So what are these prices? So these are Colombian pesos. But it's like roughly, it varies between $50 and like $300. That's a good range. You can't afford that. Very reasonable. Very reasonable. Let's see what our Colombian friend has to say

about some of this. I got a DM last night from this guy, 28 years old. He feels he's good looking, goes to the gym, feels his girlfriend's ghosting him a little bit. So he feels maybe she's cheating. Well, in a like the old days, with women, their old cheaters, and it's okay, but if a man cheats, we're no good. So, and when a man cheats, we treat for sex.

When a woman cheats, there's a motion involved. I'm not saying take my advice, but if it would mean I would be a man and get in front of this and sleep with her best friends. Yeah. Who is this guy? He's interesting. He's an interesting guy. Yeah. He's the Colombian brothels. Wow. But he, yeah, I like, no, he's very straightforward. Yeah, he's on TikTok and he loves to show us the lifestyle that he has in Colombia.

But it's just like prostitutes and he works out and like he's living his best life and he wants you to do that too. Here's like showing you how to do that. And he tells you like come down here. I'll show you what's up. Yeah. He seems happy.

No, I just can't tell you. No, dude, he's loving it. He's loving it. And then he'll do a video. He's like I'm back home visiting my grandson That's cool This is your grandpa I know it is somebody's grandpa really is someone's dad He's like yeah, and you see like oh, that's my granddad showing me off the next one He's like check out this girl at least a bit like, oh, that's my granddad, he's showing me off. And then he's like, check out this girl, Elisa Beth.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Look at her tits. She's retarded. She's so creepy. She let me find. But he is right. Like if you would just want to annihilate a woman, if you slept with her best friend,

that's kind of the ultimate. I don't think there's anything worse. And then you're devastated, dude. Yeah. Decent advice. I don't think that's just for when, I mean, I don't know, we can do that to a man. It's pretty devastating.

It would, that would ruin a human being. I think you're done, right? Totally. God damn, dude. Do you know what you should do? What? Fuck, Bert. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! That would be so awesome. That would be so cool. Thanks, babe. Ah! Ah. God.

See what's funny is like 10 years ago, he would have been called a creep. Yeah. But now the sex worker movement has made brothels like or empowering. Yeah. We don't have to go with it. Like, oh, we can't call him a creep because now we can't.

Right, don't shame this man. Exactly. Right, right. By the way, so you were out on tour, part, like you did some of the fully loaded tour. Oh yeah. So you were out there, friend center with Bert,

because a lot of us have been like, what is going on? Like he looked like he was falling the fuck apart. He pushed it. He did push it. With the, because you've toured with him also before, you did like, you're a pain server. All that.

So I've seen Bert at the height, but now it's weird, he's like, I did his pod like two days ago, he's lost weight. It's like he's on a zimpy or something. Yeah, yeah, it's amazing. So because I talked to him this morning, and he's like, yeah, I'm down like 15 pounds

in like 10 days. That's insane. That's crazy, he was pushing it. There's 10 days of clean eating and drinking. It's just so, I bet you it's bloat and sodium. A lot of it. That's what it is. And you know, pretend you're not.

Oh my god. It's all teed. His face was this big. His gut was out to here. I mean, it was crazy. But he's looking, he's like, I'm keto now. I'm like, what is this? 2016.

He just heard about keto. Yes. But yeah, he looks amazing. It's crazy. For a person fat, I thought he was a Chinese guy. That's a, that's a, Joey D. Yeah. Yeah. But first of all, I thought he was a Chinese guy. That's a joey-dee. Yeah. Because the face gets so...

Yeah, he's a joey-dee. He's a joey-dee. Yeah. I said, who's this Chinese guy hanging out at the store? I was talking to Dr. Drew and he goes, bird looks like he's going to explode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, oh, that's true. But he did.

He really, like, I talked to him today for a while. And he was just like, I went to the doctor. They told me to get it together. I think, because before, he told me these he was just like, I went to the doctor, they told me to get it together. I think, because before, he told me these wild stories of like, I went to the doctor and he was like, everything's A okay, and I was like, really? Come on. What doctor's like, you're doing great.

Right. With your leader of Oka, yeah. Yeah, exactly. But he said the doctor was like, no, no, you need to rain it in. Oh, good, all right. Yeah, finally. I mean, the liver can only do so much

and I've gone into his bedroom. I don't know if you've seen it, it's just pill bottles for days. Those doctor bottles, those orange ones, you know? Oh, yeah. And it's like liver, cholesterol, high blood pressure, AIDS, whatever it's got. Yeah.

So, yeah, I'm glad that not. But you've seen a front road. Front road, man, because it was catering. It was cookies everywhere, and it was kegs, and then it's booze, and you start drinking, we do a slip-and-slide, so you're drinking all through the day, and then the night hits, and then it's then the shot start. And now we podcasted like,

I think it was during that, and like he was sitting here, we were podcasting, he's like, I just want to drink, or I just want to eat something. Do you know what I mean? He said it like a fucking lunit, I was like, no.ing. He's like, I just want to drink, or I just want to eat something. You know what I mean? But he said it like a fucking lunatic. I was like, no. Right. He was like 10 in the morning.

I was like, what do you mean? He's like, I just like, just want some food. Yeah. Or something right now. I was like, these are cravings. Yeah. You're indulging.

Well, I think every comic has a thing that they can't help. Like, sign fills, like, got 800 cars. You know, and Bert, Bert's not like a fuck guy. Right. but he's like a food booze guy. Right. Everybody's got their, you know, consumption. Yeah, Diaz has got the gummies all day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we all have something.

God, I would just be high all the time if I didn't have like kids and stuff. Really? You think you'd be high all the time? Like, pill high. I mean, I don't do a lot of pill high. Oh, pill high is good. Yeah, like I would have a serious pill addiction, I think. You think so? Oh, if I had no nothing to like take care of. You didn't have a pill addiction before you had kids.

Stopped it before it started. Yeah. Remember when I had my ankle? Yeah. And I had those pills and I was talking to Dr. Drew in day and I was like, man, I take these oxies and I feel like, it's like, what I was always meant to do. And he's like, Christina, throw these away immediately. Yeah. and I feel like, it's like what I was always meant to do. And you know, Christina threw these away immediately.

Yeah. And I was like, okay. It just feels like you're on an embed on Saturday morning with like a magazine. Everything's just fine. Yeah, it was like what I've been looking for. It was the answer to all my problems. And I'm like, oh, I know.

I know. I know, they're so good. They're good. But how about when our kids leave the nest, we get into drugs. There we go. Yeah. That's a show.

That would be fun. What would you start doing? What's your thing? Here's the thing. I always thought I would be like a heroin guy because like to go, but here's what I found out. I actually think, and I missed it. I missed it completely before it started,

but I think my path is really cocaine. I think I would actually really sick. Yeah, because not because I'm low-key, but I like the dopamine drip that is associated with that. Everyone I talked about, there are things that are parallel to that, and I'm like, oh, because cocaine is like confidence boosting. And that, to me, feels like, oh, that would be very addictive confidence boosting. Yeah. And that, to me, feels like, oh, that would be very addictive to me.

Yeah. It would be like, I'm the best. Yeah. Yeah. Were you doing the Adderall? No, never did I Adderall. Because it's pretty close. Really?

Yeah, they're very similar. Oh, I did the Adderall light. Vibance? Oh, I don't know, Vibance. That is like the, you know. Sounds fake. Vibance. That's diet Adderall.

Oh, really? Yeah, and I took one and I called my doctor and I was like, can I get some of this? Yeah. And he was like, no. That's good. That's good. And that doctor, that doctor gives me like anytime I'm like,

I need this, I need, hey, I want an antibiotic just in case I get sick, he's like, no problem, no problem. I tell him I want to try, he's like, I told him that and he was like, no. Whoa. He said because there are, you know, pass a bit like it's possible that there can be hard side effects with this.

That makes sense. Not the other stuff I would ruin your life. No, he was like, no, he's just like watching out for your heart basically. And it's tough to quit those because you get productive. You clean the house, you take it with the vacuum cleaner, you know, you write a screenplay. Yeah, so that part's like why would I quit that day that I tried it I was like this is good stuff. I'm actually gonna try to get some under the table

Hey I try it. Yeah, Mark would sure thing that if you were if you were just letting it go I mean, I'm probably an alcoholic I guess so that that's I feel like we all are. Exactly. And I had a lateral run for a while. Yeah. But I wasn't sleeping and then you get cracked out.

But me, I'm shrooms. Love a shroom. Really big shroom guy. Okay. It's natural. There's no hangover. It doesn't seem to have many side effects. It's all positive.

By the way, at Burb, was he or he bragged about your pushups? Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, I can do pushups every morning just to kind of... Like you wake up and do them? Wake up and do them and I do squats and I do pullups. Dang. Like an OCD.

Three bodyway squats, like just like... Yeah. And then pull up, how many pullups do you go through? All right, now I did them all during the pandemic on scaffolding, which is very embarrassing when someone walks back and goes, comedy, I'm like, that's easy. But, yeah, so I'd say I'm up to about 35. You can bang out 35 pull ups. In a row. Damn. That's very impressive. Thank you. But it took years to get there.

You did it like literally one at a time. Yeah. I live in New York in a shoe box with my lady, so I had to get out. 35 is, like 35 is impressive. And what's that was like? He said 100? About 100, yeah. And I do, I vary. I do the spider, what do you call that? The spider man where you've kicked the knees up. I don't forget the name of it.

But, oh, mountain climber. That's it. Yeah, and then I do like the diamond. I really get in there. But this is like wake up, knock this out, and then you're ready to start your day. Exactly. So when I'm on the road and like you have to get on a flight early,

I'm on the flight and I never did my pushups and I'm freaking out. Because you have that guilt. So I'll do them in a green room and comics are like, what are you, what are you, this guy now? And I'm like, no, I just didn't do them before. Yeah, you gotta get it done. Gotta get it done.

That's great, dude. You do that, you have a trainer in the morning, right? We work out a lot in the mornings at the gym. Yeah. But it's like wake up. I like to wake up and go. Wake up and go. And it's hard as shit.

You want everything in your body saying don't do it. But once you're done, you get the whole day. Yeah, having the, I'll say this, having that other... Like, there's day, obviously, I'm not with them every day. So I do things without them. Yeah. It's such a difference. Like, I didn't see him for weeks.

I was on, we were traveling a vacation. The first workout with him, I was like, this is way different than what I've been doing. Oh, really? Yeah, it was so much, I mean. You took it easy. I mean, I didn't think I was taking it. I was going to a gym and I was working out,

but I was working out by myself. Right. When I saw him, you know, it just dialed, I think almost, it's almost impossible to mimic what somebody else can push you to do. Almost, you know, it just dialed, I think almost, it's almost impossible to mimic what somebody else can push you to do, almost, you know? Like his level of like, no, we're doing this circuit today. I'm like, fuck, you know? Yeah.

And then you're like, done with things. Like, okay, now we're gonna do the second circuit. And then you're done with that. You're like, we're done. We're not done. Exactly. That kind of stuff, you're like, oh, I wouldn't have done that on my own.

I want to be your own, you got the phone out, you take breaks, you take talk, yeah, you look at the Columbia Hooker guy. Take talks. Take talks. Oh yeah. Speaking of. Well, let me show him this first.

This is, because he would, he's, you would be a good voice for this. Whether this is horrible or hilarious. Oh, God. Ssh. Ssh. Ssh. Ssh.

Ssh. No, hello, hello, here, bro. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. No yellow oil here bro. What's going on? I think a machine, let me try it. Trap the hand. Oh. Somebody's something's crushing him. Yeah that machine flattened him. Oh the language.

Yeah this is Portuguese, I think. Yeah. Thank God it's got his mask on. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, another one. That's two guys. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. The robots are taking over, man. You see, see, we did. They're killing it.

This is just terrible. Can you stop this? I mean, I don't Does this bring you joy like what I'll say this I'll say this I like the screams. Yeah, I mean I do like the screen I do I do enjoy this reading. I don't like that Somebody got hurt though. That's not cool. Ah shot Somebody got hurt though. That's not cool. Ah That's hell yeah, all right. Well, no thumbs down That wasn't funny. Oh, no, and Mark didn't laugh either. Did you feel I'm not a pain guy? I don't get hurt from this I like I like farts. Oh That was pretty cool though. Look at that. He's up. He's up. Okay. I like this see this guy's

Time. Damn he's got tuxedo shoes on dude. He's coming. He's lit. That's the thing. This guy's drunk. It's fuck right now I like this guy. Yeah, this is somewhere tomorrow. They're gonna be like you have to shatter Yeah This is not America right definitely I don't know that it isn't I'm guessing by the entire I feel like oh no this is America it's at something city on

the back well it could be somewhere fuck this guys awesome got right up I mean Florida Florida yeah that's the Santhus yeah that's DeSantis. Yeah. That's like right after a fundraiser. Yeah, let's go out there and do donuts. Let's go. Exactly.

Fuck yeah. Good for this guy. This is, let's see here. Oh, we got late on set. Nope, that was traumatic too. You didn't like that? I liked it better than just people getting crushed on their jobs. Can I make a prediction?

What? You're going to like this next year. You're going to like the way I look? I think you are I guarantee it Stupid Fucking idiot bro We farted this is Oh Fart it this is

You had this had two of my favorite elements animals people fucking with animals I mean For it. Yeah, that's pretty dope. I knew it. Yeah, and you reacted exactly as I thought I'm so happy that love yeah happy I met your expectation. Yeah, is this house? Is this Steve Irwin are we seeing the footage? Diving what did it like fuck up his face? Finally, and then right after this, he died. Yeah, yeah.

Wait, was it a stingray? Yeah, it was like a small one. And then the, These fucking steamer, let me tell you, they put these stingrays and like aquariums that you take your little kids to, but these motherfuckers are lethal. Look at his guy,

he's in real pain. He killed Steve Irwin, and now he just fucked this guy up, and that's what I want. This guy is gonna recover, fine. The, Steve Ruin died because that Stinger went into his heart. Which is so crazy. Yeah. Yeah, he was swimming over one, and of all the places that

Stinger could have went, it went right into his heart. Yeah, it was just the freakyest of the accident. So it's like someone stabbing you right there. Damn. Did he stay away from no joke? I don't know why they put them for little kids touching them and stuff. I know.

They suck. These are the assholes of the sea, right? Well, the murderers. And David Delsa's the poor way. Yeah, because of the sea joke. That's joke ever. And I can't forget it. Great joke.

So it's like quickness. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I still remember, you've seen them all the time, but like for me it's much less frequent to see him. Oh, he's the man. Oh my God, I just saw, I can't give,

I saw him do new stuff, he came to Texas. And even like his stuff, by the way, I was saying that it's so fun to be around him in the green room because, I don't know, like he'll fuck with you, but in a fun way. Like, he was like, you doing the late show, and I was like, nah, I gotta get home, I gotta get up to where he's like,

oh, you gotta busy morning. Yeah, yeah. Maybe that's the time, what? But it's fun. It's fun. Does somebody's doing that to you? You're also like, oh God, I hope he doesn't hate me. I even remember 2008, 2008, I remember this,

because every like a tell thing for me is like, locked into memory. Yeah. Cause I remember I opened for him in 2005, I opened for him the next year, and then in eight I was in Las Vegas, doing what, at the time was called the Las Vegas Comedy Festival, 2008 was an Olympic year,

and he was like, ladies, but you wanna fuck that Michael Phelps, huh? And they're like, no, he goes, you would if you were drowning. Yeah. Like the set up and the, no, no, no. It was so funny, man. He's the king.

It was so funny. I saw him once. This is my favorite of tell, I've got 30 of them and I've said this before, but it goes to Hispanic women weren't laughing and they were just kind of like hating him and he goes, what happened, ladies? Did Selena die again?

And I was like, this is the funniest thing I've ever heard. And just the idea of this old Jewish guy knows about Selena. Oh man, so good. Again, so funny. Ah, the king. He goes, what do you do with a guy?

He goes, I work for Nickelodeon and he goes, no wonder I'm hard. I mean, he was the quickest. Yeah, so he is the quickest. No wonder they are Puerto Ricans of the sea. You should be stopped. Yeah, the stingrays are terrible. Oh yeah.

Do you want to tell Mark what he's about to see here? Oh yeah, yeah. So are you on the TikTok app? I am, but I pay a guy to do mine. No, because you're a sensible guy. You need to get on it. And I curate the outliers of TikTok, people that are on the margins of society. People that are underrepresented, we give them a platform.

All right. It's always a ride. Let's see what she's got for you today. Okay. Handpicked for you. I'm about to expose one of my biggest insecurities. For the last 16 years, I've been wearing butt pads. I wasn't blessed with junk in the trunk, so I'm here today to see about getting some. I'm not talking Kim Kardashian size. I just want enough that's going to fit the scale and proportions of my body. These are the pads I wear every single day. I don't need the house without them.

I'm looking to keep the same size and shape so that it looks very natural. It does not look that good. It does not look that good. It does not look that good. It does not look that good. It does not look that good. It does not look that good. It does not look that good.

It does not look that good. It does not look that good. It does not look that good. It does not look that good. It does not look that good. It does not look that good. It does not look that good. It does not look that good. It does not look that good. It does not look that do have one good thing going for me. That's being flat and flabby, so it'll be easy to fill it up and make it nice and perky. I always ask a lot of questions and do my own research as anyone should. Dr. Richards explained why you would never

use silicone for a procedure like this. That's because silicone will migrate and it won't hold its shape. Instead, you use hyaluronic acid. It's a much thicker compound that will hold it. Yeah, I didn't know I was being so long. This is a why I don't remember when I sent this but I did I but implants are very popular right now And I don't think they look good. I think but implants I'm actually to be fair you usually see women doing this I'm not a lot of women and usually see them doing enormous Virgin Madonna Madonna ruined her figure with these. Just can you Google Madonna's butt?

It looks terrible. Because her body is normal for a woman her age and then she's got this, but don't, don't. It just looks silly. But they never look real and in LA, people are wearing butt pants. Oh, there it is. Yeah, it just looks so fake.

Oh, that's silly. That's crazy. I think the other fascinating thing to see about this is you just don't realize how much people have different insecurities. Yeah, you know, you always assume that they're the same. And like, you'd see this guy, I think most people would go,

oh, this guy's like super lean. Like, you know, people were like, how lucky he is that he's so thin. Yeah. And he's just like, I've been wearing butt pads for a decade. Yeah. And I can't like, I've been wearing butt pads for a decade. Yeah. And I can't deal with this anymore.

I gotta get injection. Yeah. That's pretty crazy. And I think we can all agree. He's by. Yeah. But yeah, that's silly. Come on.

I think if your ass is that flat, you can probably get penetrated more in the rump. Yeah. Yeah. You know I just get in right in as less Hit the image right above the one that's certainly leave. Yeah, look at that face Moli people are saying she looks like this the people focused on her face How does that happen? Who's the doctor there that person should be fired? Do you remember like how much? She was on top of the world? So I was so into her. Yeah. She's amazing.

Yeah. Yeah, she's just, she's on, you know, that's the crazy thing. If you meet her now, you have to like pretend that everything's normal. I know. I was probably be like, everything you look good.

Can I tell you saying please don't let me get like that. Will you promise me? Are you on your way? Yeah, of course. I'm gonna get stuff done. I already do stuff. I'm on the slippery slope, bro. Yeah, I could have I'm gonna get stuff done. I already do stuff. I'm on the slippery slope, bro. Yeah, I can happen. I can happen. She looked she had it. That's all right. On the right

is still passable, but it now it's too far gone. Yeah, we were all like, man, but don't us to shit. Yeah. Sexy lady. Yeah. But crazy looking now. But then some women pull it off. Like, Jennifer Aniston looks great. Share looks great. Bro, Fonda, what's her name? Jane Fonda's like 900 years old. Right. She's still fuckable. So like, how do you, so what's the secret?

I guess you just can't go in excess. Because that doctor's not saying no. Yeah, it is excess. Right. Madonna is finding somebody who won't say no to her. That's what's happened. Right. People don't say no to celebrities.

That's true. That's great. If you're celebrity, someone will always say yes. People don't say no to celebrities. That's true. It's great. If you're a celebrity, someone will always say yes. Yeah, you can always find somebody. It's good for me. And also, you see even non-celeraries, honestly, if you're really in a pay, like, there's people that have, they look like fucking cartoons that they're faces crazy. And that person's still getting procedures.

Oh my God. You should be, I don't know what the word is, for doctors, but disbard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have a license removed. Yeah. If you're making a fool of it. They revoke licenses. They should, for that. They should, for that.

I don't think normally for that, but it's crazy. If you probably investigated the conditions with which that procedure was done, you probably have a case for having someone's license removed. Sure, at this person at a certain point, you are really not helping somebody out, you know? It's one good thing about comics. People say we're mean and offensive,

but like if Bert was getting that shit done, you'd do a whole episode about how ugly it was. Yeah, that's true. And that's like a good friend. Yeah, that's true. That's true. But anyway, you can get in from us too well. Yeah.

That's great. You can get injections in your butt when I was getting my Botox done, with my plastic surgeon over the summer. She's like, yeah, you can get injections to make your butt bigger. And actually like, I don't know how, but there you go. But people die from that.

Yeah, I know. I know. Those back door BBB, BBLs. Oh, yeah, the Brazilian. You see that? No. They really made this an event. So this was sent to me a million times.

This is a joke. Explain what they're seeing. So this is called the hobby horse champion. It's basically like girls pretending to write horses, like the stick with the head of the old, you know, like the children would be on. But these are like teenage and it's an actual event. And there is a crowned champion

right now, the hobby horse chase. It was just everywhere I took the chance. Whoa. He's so stupid. Oh my God, the way you rode that was unbornly. Oh, my God. Take it back, I'm into it now, I'm all in. Oh, that's so hard.

I would go in and do a full Christopher Reeves. This is my husband, you know, un Reeves. Yeah, there's no padding. Make it just big. Yeah, you're a good jumper. Just go into gymnastics. You're already skilled. You were doing something real for a moment. Yeah.

You know, it's really happening here. There's some clitoral stimulation of that stick. Oh, maybe. That's what's really going on. These are just nerds. Yeah. Rubbing their clams on the stick. That's the female sex robot.

Yeah. Dude, this dangerous. Oh, this on the stick. That's the female sex robot. Yeah. To the dangerous. Oh, this one's cool. What the hell is this? This is for the military. I think the Indian military, they're checking to make sure that they are biological men. What?

They're having their testicles. Yes, making sure they're men. They don't want no, they're anti-trans similar to somebody who don't want our stuff. Anti-transitional lenses. He's like, what's up with your balls? Medops, you like this one? Oh!

Oh! You got Elliot paged. I don't believe that there is anything that actually that guy just discovered other than he's just like you should have bigger balls I think it's what he's selling them like your balls are kind of small and that guy I don't know what to do I just this sour was made Damn, yeah, I don't think that's a chick Why aren't your balls bigger?

He's telling him some fucking voodoo bullshit like every morning you need to cook with some sage Yeah Drink honey are you drinking honey? He's like no Damn Six eggs every day okay here we go how about you? I Get hard if somebody do that. Oh, yeah, I get bollywood. Yeah, you go

Ian fight ants on them probably This is there's no way there's anything legit happening now You could just put the like a sack of marbles in there. Yeah, a hacky sack Whoa, yeah, I check reps, bro there. So the hacky sack. Guys, this is not America. Whoa. Oh shit. You got to check reps, bro. I mean, this is like, what the fuck? Well, we got to check for her balls.

Yeah. Yeah. I would, I would not participate in this shit. No. I feel like she would snap my neck in a second. I know. This is a fetish though. Some guys like being beat up by women. Really big.

Well, we know there was a wonderful video. We had a decade ago of a woman kicking a guy in the nuts. That was a little different. Simulier. That's a little different. But I like this idea. I thought this was pretty cool.

That guy was bleeding. What? She was kicking the fucking shit out of him. And he was like, and then he was like, stand up, take more and she was like, suffer, I want you to suffer, you know, it's cool. I like that shit. Anyway, I thought this was pretty red.

That was pretty, I mean, I'm actually impressed with her skill set, like, hell yeah, dog. She actually, she wasn't just kicking him in the balls. Because like, you know, we were watching the latest Mission Impossible movie, and like, there's these fight scenes with girls that weigh 90 pounds against Tom Cruise and you're like, no way, bro. Come on. And like, there's these fight scenes with girls that weigh 90 pounds against Tom Cruise. And you're like, no way, bro.

No way, Jose. No thanks, Tom Hanks, but this chick, she could fuck you up. She could do it. Yeah, she just fucked up. She just fucked that guy up. Yeah, she jumped up. Took his ass. That's pretty crazy, man.

That's impressive. Yeah, that's right. But could she fight an MMA? I feel like they would just talk and then It'd be fun to get her to think she could yeah Yeah, her walk right into that like I'm ready right just Her next video she's like I guess I wasn't right Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Happy birthday to you. Oh, you're a knife, too. What a dick. What are you doing, tears? Oh, that looks like that's about to not. What a fucking dick.

Yeah, that got, she's just about to be like, yeah, fucking dick. She's had my hair done. I knew you'd like that, though. Happy birthday to you. Oh, my God. She's not laughing. No, no. I could see you doing this to you. Oh my gosh. She's not laughing. No, no.

I could see you doing this to like your sister, something. No, you know the funny thing was, my sister did this to me, like not exactly this on my 16th birthday and I reacted very poorly. Did you get violent? I could see you getting violent. Well the thing I've had this happen to me and the tin hurts, like everybody's laughing.

You're like, I just got hit in the face with a tin plate. Yeah, yeah. That sucks. I don't like, I just got hit in the face with a 10 plate. Yeah, yeah. That sucks. I don't know. This is not even a prank. It's just like mean shit to do. I mean, I got, I got, what do you do? I got, she took cake and she put it on in my face.

I hate that shit. So I took it by the back of the head and I slammed it. And I was like, I was pretty big 15 year old. I slammed her heart into the, she had like half the cake on. And she was like, what the fuck?. She was like, what the fuck? And I was like, what the fuck do you think you're doing? I didn't take it well at all. No.

I wasn't like, there's cake on my face. Your mom's like, as far as you're ruined. Yeah, it sucks. Is it retarded? It went sideways and then it was the fun was over. Oh yeah, if someone did this to me, I'd be fucking live. I mean, this is the thing is,

I feel like you know who you can do this to. Yeah, yeah. And like she knew that I don't think, if you did this to me, I'd be fucking live. I mean, this is the thing is, I feel like you know who you can do this. Yeah, yeah. And like, she knew that I don't think, if you would have asked her, how will he react to you? Oh, he'll react well to that. Sure, she knew that she was gonna get hurt, you know? Yeah, but it's good, there was no TikTok then. Yeah, you can do that shit.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, you can hurt women back then. Yeah. Yeah, there we go. Hear that, Chris Brown? Man, I am angry at you. Tell me. It's perfect. There's Tommy on? Man, I am angry at you. Tell him. It's perfect.

There's Tommy on his birthday. Yeah, it's my sister's face. That's okay. Yeah. Wow. Did you hurt yourself? I don't know. I love how he gets compiled.

You know what I'm saying? I'm okay. You actually might have a broken hand right now. I have a lot more to say to you, man. Big sanctum on his, fella. Tell him louder. You hurt me, man. You hurt.

Tell him louder. You hurt me. Tell him how he hurt you. You hurt me because I trusted you. I thought you were my friend. I thought you cared. And I find out and got a drink or two under your belt in the same old rotten shit That that come across before and you're rotten shit. You are a rotten shit man

Big sanctimonious guy big all all nice guy And I don't like you at all. Yeah, I let her one. What are you afraid you're gonna do art? I'm telling that you're afraid to let him have it. I'm afraid to let you have it. What'll happen if you do? Come on, Art. Hit the shit out of this fucking creeper. How will you get it?

Get it. There's more, there are more guys like you than there are of me. I'm afraid what's gonna happen. Tell him what you think is going to happen. I think even if I beat the hell out of you, it wouldn't help. Someone else in bigger would come along, do the same thing. I was so holding on for a racial slur. I know.

I know. It's 70s. You know, isn't the thing too though, that like for years, like you think when you're younger too, that like they're like, oh, you're so upset, like hit stuff, but then that we learned that like that actually teaches your mind to hit something.

Oh, I can't grab you up. Yeah, it kind of fires you up more, then to like process it and talk it out. Interesting. Like you're not supposed to like process it and talk it out interesting Like you're not supposed to like hey if you're upset just go break things and punch Yeah, this is what they taught Will Smith. Yeah You was hitting the Yeah, that's your life your hope is there always more guys like him

Is that what you're feeling I feel that there are more guys like that More guys like you around and there are me. Well this is a really sad one to add in there. You got it. It's a roller coaster. It's always a roller coaster. I just never know how you're going to feel at the end of this. That's right, babe. Hobby horses to rage, therapy in the 70s.

Very good. Never a range. A lot of range. Have you ever went to a public bathroom? And there was just shit all over the wall, and you're like, how the hell did that get on there? Well, I had the answer for you, because I was one of those people that splattered shit on the wall.

So basically, what had happened? Well, I had went nine days without taking a shit. And I was just going to keep going, you know? Because I don't ever go to the doctor or anything. But I was at my mom's house, I was trying to walk up her stairs and I started crying because I'm in so much pain because there is so much crap in my body.

And she sees me and she's like, are you okay? And I said, well, I haven't taken a dump and over a week. So I think that like, it's starting to take a toll on me. And she was like, oh my God, that's really not good. I'm gonna look at your laxative. So she runs to the store and I buy this like laxative chocolate bar and brings it back

and I eat it in about 30 minutes later it hits me I'm like okay I gotta go so I go and I sit on a toilet and for the next four hours I am there fighting for my life and later that afternoon we have plans we have this benefit to go to because someone in my family had passed away They were trying to wait hours. Yeah, so Basically, I needed to wrap this up because I couldn't you know, I would feel bad if I missed that So after four hours of sitting on a toilet. I have like an hour left before we need to go to the benefit And I'm like, okay for that hour. I was like, I'm good. I think that every ounce of shit that wasn't my body I'm sorry. I'm good to go. So we go to the benefit and basically it's like where you buy a plate of food, sit down and eat whatever food. So that's what we do and right after I get

on eating it hits me immediately. I have to go. So I sprint to the bathroom, barely make it. And I sit down on the toilet but it doesn't matter because the shit just goes flying all over the wall over the sink all over the floor of what excuse me and I start panicking because this is like a one-person bathroom and I'm like I hope no one is outside waiting to come in here sure enough I open the door this so many of you outside and I'm so sorry I had an accident in there. Please wait outside. Don't go in there. I'll be right back.

I'm going to go get something to clean it up. And I run to my cousin because she has children. And I'm like, hey, I need to use your baby wipes because I destroyed the bathroom in there. And she's like, okay, yeah, I can come help you. And I said, okay, thank you. Will you walk into the bathroom? And she is like, oh, how are you? Are you good? Like, how are you still alive after this? Oh, wow. And I was like,

you know what? Just, I don't need your judgment right now. Just how clean it up myself. Show the shit. Oh, that'd be so cool. Because I'm a good person like that. But basically, don't ever go nine days without taking a shit. Like, if you go more than three or four contact a doctor, or at least go get a laxative in the store, because, guys, this was the worst experience of my life. That was really compelling, actually. Yeah. And you could see the whole thing,

and you're like, I could see your spray in the walls. The thing, too, is when she was like, this show on the walls, and on the sink, and like, she's literally fire-hose shit all over a bathroom. Wow, it's very cool. It almost be like a weapon. Yeah, it just stopped. He's just like, I'm in shit nine days buddy.

That's cool, stay with. Do you think she took too many laxatives? Maybe she took more than the dose? It's nine days though. Yeah, she was loaded up. I mean, what's the longest any has gone record days without shitting before? Are you back to your old shitting schedule or are you still going a long time now? I'd say it's probably a compromise in between both, you know, some run the middle now. How many days is average now?

Two or three. Two or three days without shitting. That's amazing. But it used to be much longer. Oh, yeah. I mean, you know, there was that November where I literally just saw if I could do it for 30 days and did it. But yeah, it's not. 30 days?

Yeah, he would typically going two weeks. He was shitting once every two weeks. How? I'm fucking insane, I don't know. Yeah. Wow. But yeah, no, she's 100% right though and I learned that kind of younger when I learned what fiber was and what that does.

I didn't know and I ate like a muffin that they said had a bunch of fiber in it and I didn't really know and yeah I ended up better. I think about poil locar or something and I mean I just don't I don't fucking go to the bathroom in public. I just don't. He's got like ship phobia stuff. You know, those guys deep problems. But so, so if I have to, I mean, it literally exploded out when I got really, yeah, because there's already so much. It wasn't long, though. It was just like spray. It was spray. Oh, like a civil rights fire hose. Oh, I guess it's a little right fire hose Damn yeah, yeah, but Like this is any right here

Yeah, but I mean long story short Yeah, there was just so much pressure that already gets, you know, put on from holding it for so long and then you, you, you mix that with fucking fiber and make it die-reage and it's exploding. It's exploding now. Wow. I feel bad. I feel really bad, but I didn't tell anybody. Luckily for me, I didn't get caught like her.

That's, that's for a fine. That's for a fine dress. It's like in a funeral event too, which is really worse. It's way worse for you, you know. She really, she painted the place. And you can tell she's honest. She's not foolish yet.

She's not foolish yet. She's not foolish yet. I'm embarrassed to be a human being. See everybody fucking whining like bitches. I'm fucking embarrassed, but that's why it's easier for us. Because everybody is a fucking bitch. You know what? And you're over fucking lines. He's really, I don't know anybody that's got any fucking balls.

He's, but truth, preach. I mean, is he lying? No, as Dan Paine, you know him? No, no. Oh, he does, he's, he's, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's so great. Oh, it's a little bit of a joke. It's just like a Dick Tracy village. Well, he lives in a castle in Scotland with his wife and he's a very wealthy man and he teaches other men how to accumulate, people to accumulate wealth. He's very old school like this and we've loved him for years. He's just hanging out with losers,

wasting your time with people that meet you. Correct. Show me your friends and people that meet you. Correct. Show me your friends and I'll show you your future. Hey, man. That's one of your top, top. It is free pieces. Show me your friends and I'll show you your future. You wanna know why you're all fucked up?

Just look at the fucking bombs you hang around with. Who have that? Damn. You're a cut-briin' not- Ah! Ah! Old people saying cut is fun. Yeah, yeah. It's the best. You're a cut-brain, not bad. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Old people saying, cut as far as you're good. Oh, it's so good. He's, uh, I hope to. Then you got money. Okay. I got, yeah. I got a few, Bob, yeah. Okay.

You support Trump. You do. Okay. I was one of the first endorsers, public endorsers, a president of Trump. What are you guys going to do when our ocean level rises? Thank you for asking that question. I have the answer now. No, let me finish.

I have the answer. Let me finish. Thank you for the question. Yeah. Okay. For the first time on earth, we're changing the gas. Now you're full of shit. Sit down.

I'm gonna answer you. I'm gonna have you shut up and Shut up and sit down. Sit down. Wow. This is take Florida for example, which is one of the fastest growing condominium beachfront condominiums on the planet. In the prospectus when you invest, there should be, in the footnotes, if global warming is for real, and water rises 10 feet, this investment you made is fuck all.

Now, one single investment perspective written since 2000, this century has alluded to global warming. Now, one mother fucker. I guess. This is shit that people pay thousands of dollars to a ten. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's pretty hilarious like that.

Yeah. That's fun stuff. He's fun guy. I feel like that's your inner monologue. Yeah, he's going through your head while you're walking around Austin. That's so, that's true. That's really, yeah.

I just miss people being able to say crazy stuff. Even if you don't agree with it. I don't care. Just say crazy stuff. Let's go back to those times. You know, you could just not like it. Right. I don't care. Yeah. You're allowed to hate you. Do it. Yeah. Do you? You are. Like this was awesome. For people who have not yet checked it out, you need to check out soup to nuts, Mark Norman Cretus. It's crazy. I knew he's special on Netflix. Go see him on the, you don't say tour at, get, take us at Mark Norman County.com.

And of course, you can check out Tuesdays with stories with Joe List and he, his podcast, we might be drunk with Sam Marill. I've done that podcast before. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, you're, you're doing it all, man. Hey, thanks. You're killing it, dude.

Appreciate it. Can't complain. Theater tours. You're doing the big stuff, man. But, lift next. But, lift is coming. Congratulations on everything. Thank you, man.

Thank you for stopping him with us. Congrats, mommy. Thank you. See you guys next time. Bye, mommy. guys next time. Big booty, big booty, all flat booty Just let me eat you, one time Big booty, all flat booty I'm coming to get that booty One time

I'm coming to get that booty Big booty, all flat booty Big booty, all flat booty Big booty, big booty, or flat booty, big booty, or flat booty, big booty, or flat booty, I'm coming to get that booty Younger was a banana, really? We gon' use your booty It puts a pot to some ice cream It puts a punch, you put some ice cream It puts a popcorn It puts a popcorn

Just let me eat you one time One time, big booty or flat booty Big booty or flat booty Big booty or flat booty, big booty, or flat booty, big booty, or flat booty, I'm coming to get that booty. One time, I'm coming to get that booty. That was a wrong idea. That's what I thought it meant. That was a wrong one. That's what I thought it meant. We've had spoken internal monologue of every red-blooded petrasex we've had. Aliyah!

I'm coming to get that booty, huh? You just watched your mom's house. Did you like it? Then watch another one. Watch our clips. I don't know. Check it out. Try it out.

If you didn't like it, look for other stuff. Maybe in the next video, there's people getting hurt the way you like her. Maybe gay dudes talking about dick stuff. I don't know. Try it out. Maybe there's always something for everybody. Just look in these cubes. Squares.

Whatever. But maybe there's always some for everybody. Just look at these cubes. Squares, whatever.