Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Workout Thirst Traps | Your Mom's House Ep.686

Episode Date: December 14, 2022

Did You Miss YMH Live, A Very Cool Christmas?! You still have time to get into the holiday spirit! Watch it NOW through December 18th at https://livestream.ymhstudios.com/ SPONSORS:- Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to get $200 off ANY mattress of your choice. HIGH AND TIGHT!! It’s just the Main Mommies for this week’s episode of YMH. Tom and Tina discuss Tom’s appearance on Kill Tony, physician assisted suicide, hot Peloton instructors, remedies for hiccups, Chris Rock and Mike Birbiglia, CP’s trip to the White House. They watch a clip of a very cool prank involving a lion, Tom reveals he’s started gambling, and he brings Christine up to speed on his birthday gift for Bert: Adolf Hilter’s teacup. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast  

Did you miss YMH Live 9, a very cool Christmas, but you can watch it right now by going to livestream.ymhstudios.com. And then I was doing a PT rehab for my ankle, and the PT lady was having me do squats, and I'm not very good at them. And you came in... That's a... I mean... Look at him.

Look how he loves pointing at... Look how much he fucking hates me. I'm not very good at them as an understatement. You're really bad. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. You know, you're buying gifts for everybody else this holiday season. Why not get yourself a gift?

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Stop it. Stop it. Here it goes. Here it goes. Hey, get away. Get it. Here it goes. Do it.

I bet you can't do it. What are you doing? Do it. Here it goes. Oh, fuck you, dude. I mean that was the worst thing I've ever seen. I'm supposed to try and scare you. It's supposed to work.

You're supposed to work. It's supposed to work. That's how I scare my children, and they're not. Do it again. I can't tell you how much I didn't enjoy that. That's the point. You're not supposed to like it. Fuck.

Oh, Tom's hiccups. Yeah. Yeah. I had them last night, too, for a long time. You did? Yeah, in bed. What causes the hiccups? I don't know.

The hiccups. What causes it? Gosh, Christmas is coming up, Jeans. I know. Are we wrong? Maybe Santa will take your hiccups away. It's not counting. Maybe Santa Christ will take your pip-pip-pip-pip-pips away.

What? Look at that. I got one sleeve rolled up, and the other one's not. Just take your time, Tom. It's okay. To have hiccups? To have the hiccups. Aren't they the worst?

Remember that guy that had them for like 50 years? Did you imagine? Yeah. How do you sleep with the hiccups? You don't. Yeah, so did he just not sleep for 50 years? No, he figured out a way. You can't not sleep for 50 years.

Vanics, yeah. Maybe. You don't have to take like a muscle relaxer to relax your diaphragm, because those are diaphragm spasms is what they say. I don't know what causes it. I think it's you not loving your wife enough. Oh boy. If you cherish your wife more.

Put your knees up to your chest. Oh, God. Put your knees to your chest. Put your knees up to your chest. I've always just held my breath. You would try it again. Ready? Ready?

Go. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, you're turning red, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, now purple. There's this 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44. I think you're going to die. Can you? You're turning purple, Tom.

Did that work finally? I think it did. Just relax. Don't force it. Don't force it. Let it be. There you go. Don't wait for it.

Just ignore it. That's what I do. It goes away like everything else in life. It's not the best advice. Good advice. Better now? I don't know. Yeah, it's gone.

We'll see. We'll see. You look tired. You look like shit. I slept like shit. Yeah. Yeah. I know.

What happened? Was it because you're full of desire laying next to me? No, I went and I did Kill Tony last night. How great of a show is Kill Tony? I can't believe how much fun that show is. So much fun. He really has that down to science. He does.

It was so fun. Watching him and David Lucas roast each other. So good. I mean, I thought it was scripted. It was so good. And they were just like in the moment, just back and forth. I mean, it just escalated and kept going and going and going. Tony...

Most people trade like one or two jobs and they went on for like 10 minutes. It's amazing. It was great. Yeah. Tony's really found a lane with that insult comedy. It's his jam. I mean, they had this really touching moment. This guy, Michael LaFaire, lair, make a lair.

Lair. Lair? Yeah. Michael Lair who has ALS, he's been a regular on the show. He was a regular on the show for a long time. Back in the... No, it's L-E-H. Oh, God.

Look who's back in the booth. I know. Hold on. The dub just for that. There you go. I'm going to show you what I brought you. Oh, yeah. Just a punishment.

Oh. Just a punishment for that bad girl. The Jew broad shades. Like a regular fucking Jew broad. This guy had a tribute to him. So he's been on the show a bunch, especially in the LA days. He has ALS, which of course is non-curable, no real treat, just slowly who kills you. So he went to Oregon to have assisted suicide two weeks ago.

And then he backed out. And so they, like he's getting worse, but he got cold feet. And they had a tribute to him, a video tribute of show like all his moments on the show. And then they brought him on. He came on stage and it was fucking wild. It was a cool moment. I didn't know who he was. I mean, he has, he had so many killer moments over the years on the show, like funny, funny

shit. God, life is brutal, isn't it? It is. Yeah. So scary. You don't realize until you start really seeing it. ALS is fucking brutal. Brutal.

Crazy dude. But he's funny, man. He's really dark and really funny. Yeah. It was good stuff. Oh, good. I'm glad you got to go. That's nice.

Yeah. I had fun. I had a really good time there. It was just... That's sad that you had to go to Oregon for assisted suicide. I know. They should let you. That's like a fundamental right to want to end your own life.

Well, technically, you can just walk off a bridge anywhere. But I think if you want to do it like humanely, you know, if you want to be injected. I mean, yeah, Tom. Technically you could. You can stand in front of a train in Chicago if you want. But... Yes, Tom. Anybody could.

But that's not the preferable way to go out if you want to commit suicide. I'd imagine like, can you just, so what do they just inject you with something lethal? Motor oil and then they just, yeah. They don't inject you with motor oil. Yeah, but they just... What is it? What did they inject you with? I don't know.

Well, I'm asking you because as my spouse, you will have to do this for me. I'm going to kill you? Probably. Well, actually, the likelihood is that you'll go before me because men die before women because you guys are all stressed out and stuff. Yeah. But you're going to have to pull the plug on me one day possibly. You just, I mean, you just...

Here's what I want. I'm just letting you know what I like. Okay. Buy a bunch of heroin, like just a ton of heroin and just inject me full of it. It feels good. And just kill me. Yeah. Just good drugs.

Good drugs. That's what they do. Take me out. Right? It's like... They sedate the shit out of you and then they just give you something that makes your heart stop. Yeah.

Wow. It's so crazy. I mean, I like the sedated part. I like the sedated part. I wish I could do that every day. No, like Michael Jackson. Like, didn't he sleep with... Yeah, propofol.

That's crazy. It's totally crazy. He had a doctor come to his house like put me to sleep. Like anesthesia grade. Which is the best sleep ever. I know. I would pay real money for that right now. I know.

Or you could just take Xanax. Why don't you? You could just take Xani. Propofol. That's hospital grade shit. Can I tell you that I've decided to get into pot because I've decided that I've mastered alcoholism. I already know how to be a good whino.

Like, I know how much to drink to get me to a place where I feel loose and good and I can sleep and I don't want to puke. But with pot, that's still an undeveloped skill and in middle age, it's all about cultivating new hobbies and new interests. So I think I'm going to try and get into pot now and find my tolerance. I've been saying this for years. I know. I go through cycles where I'm like, it's time for me to get into that.

But I really mean it this time and so I bought... I want you to be a stoner. I'm excited. Me too. So I bought some pot from a van in New York City in Times Square and I'm a little nervous to take it because they say that the New York pot is unregulated. Well, why don't you ask one of the boys? Can you buy me some pot?

Yes. I got you. But I want the Harawana. I want like the real... She wants Night Night Indicator. Night Night Indicator. That's the only kind I smoke. I got you.

Really? Yeah. Yeah, I don't like sativa. That stuff makes me... I like to go to sleep too. Yeah. I just want to forget. Yeah.

Like how do I... No adults. Yeah. Just ask somebody you work with. I know. Why do I... I always do things the hard way. I always do things the hard way.

I don't know why I can't just like use my resources at hand. I'm such a dope. Do you know what I actually thought? I was like, there's this stand-up clip I want to put up, but like I can't edit it. Like if only I knew someone that could edit a stand-up clip. It's wrong with you. It's literally the studio. Yeah.

You have a full functioning production scene. I have this app of people and I'm like, I got to learn how to do this on this app. I got to figure out how to do... I'm such a fucking retard. All right. Let's open the show. Okay. Yeah.

Oh man. So this is called Shinaboard. Don't buy it. I kinda like it. He got so scared. That is a real terraced pose. I'm really terrified. And Christina Pagitsi.

Christina Pagitsi. Welcome to your mind's house. These come on if you mess up. Punishment glasses. I like this. That's gonna be one of your Hanukkah presents this year. Being thrown to a tiger or... To a lion, yeah.

Being thrown to a lion or these J-sung glasses like Christina's? Both. That is a real scream of fear. First of all, he got thrown at that one. I know. It looks as though it's punishment for being a silly goose. And I think we should incorporate this in all facets of our society as well. If you're being a silly goose out in the streets, we throw you to a lion.

The crazy part too is that the owner is clearly the guy that's grabbing the lion by the face. Confident. And he doesn't give a fuck. I'm so stupid. He threw him like a child. He's so scared right there on these screens. He is so scared. So scared.

Is this Saudi Arabia? No. It sure looks like a terrible place. No, it's not Saudi Arabia. They do public executions in Saudi Arabia. What's that writing? Yeah, they do do that. Do you know what Iran said they're gonna do?

What? They got 15,000 protesters for all the protests in the last few weeks. And parliament voted to execute all 15,000 people. That's crazy. Like everybody who marched? Done. You guys are dead. That's how they do it in other places, guys.

That's how they do it. Yep. That's how they do it. But no, this is definitely some kind of, you know, not America. No, it's not America. Jesus. I don't know. That's a small man that he threw to.

Yeah. That guy is very small. Yeah. Yeah. He's not an LP, but he's a little deep. He's on that road. Yeah. I feel like they do this in Hungary, too, where they're like messing around.

Yeah. Non-binary, gay. Throw you out to the lions. Yeah. Well, why are you being all gay all the time? Yeah. Your haircut's stupid. Throw him in the lions.

Yeah. I like it. This is great deterrents. I'm all for public deterrent. I really am. I think it works. Yeah. It works.

Pet pedophiles. We do this to the pedophiles. Works for me. Yeah. You save some. Pedophiles is different. But wouldn't you love to see this to the pet pedophiles? Yeah.

Of course. I would pay. I would hope for no one to jump in and save the person. No. Nobody saves the pedophile. We just have the stadium and then we release the lions. And you gotta starve them for a while. Much more fun to watch a tiger do it though.

I agree. And that's a little tiger. That's not even a full-grown tiger yet. It's not a tiger. Oh, I'm sorry. You can't tell that that's a lion. I don't know the difference between animals like this. I don't know.

Is that a tiger or a lion? That's a lion. Well, because tigers are predatory also for like, they'll just, they like to kill. Yeah. Lions are lazier, you know? So tigers are stalkers. They're bigger. They're stronger.

They're faster. They're more lethal. And you get a tiger and you just, you know, you put the guy out and I would put him in a, like in a coliseum type of atmosphere. No, but I would have it be covered in like, there's trees and bushes and like. Oh, so the animal. You can't really see where. Where it's gonna come from.

Yeah, where it's gonna come from. Yeah. That's a good idea. Oh yeah, they're right. That's a tiger. Yeah. It's got stripes. Jesus Christ.

Yeah. Fucking three. Yeah. That's a tiger. Yeah. Yeah. You don't want to fuck with a tiger, man. No, I like your idea of like creating a natural.

To the guys like. Escape. Yeah. And the terror builds. The whole time. Well, I have a better idea. And then we strip the pedophile nude. Yeah.

And then we chum him. Like you dip him in blood and then you also put chunks of raw deer meat on him. You tie it on his neck so that he's extra attractive. Juicy. Yeah. And then you just. You have a camera for the audience on the tiger the whole time. You see the shoulders go up.

Oh wait, the tiger wears a tiger cam. Sure. So you get to see it from his perspective too. You get to see the guy going like. Like just. Scared. Shitting himself. So scared.

And then running naked so you can see his dong bounce and stuff so that you really feel like it's the olden times when man had to run from tigers. That's important to you. Yeah. I want to really keep it authentic. That he's naked. Yeah. That his dong.

Because you know how scary and humiliating it is to be nude and running from a tiger. I think that's the ultimate. That is more humiliating. It's a good point. Or to try and masturbate in front of a tiger. Yeah. I think you're far from doing that. It's the last thing on your mind.

You probably couldn't even masturbate if there's a tiger in the same. I don't think so. Even if it was your only way out. Like if you come real quick. Get this tiger out of here. Like. Yeah. Quick.

You know. I'm beginning to think lately that you enjoy correcting my stupidities. Why is that? Well yesterday I go. Oh yeah. Ellis read the time and it was wrong. I go babe that's daylight savings. And you're eating and usually you don't even look at me when you're eating because you're

so focused on the food. Yeah. You stopped what you were eating and you looked this is your this is your disdainful look. Okay. Yeah. It's daylight saving. Savings. It's not a bank.

Like savings. Right. It's not daylight savings and loan. Yeah. It's daylight saving. You enjoyed correcting me. Well you taught you're teaching a kid. I don't want him to say it wrong.

Armadildo. And hence I'm teaching him to call it an armadildo. Okay. First of all I did not know that it's not pluralized. I thought it was daylight savings. No it's daylight saving. Did you guys know that? You don't call it daylight savings.

I call it daylight savings. I call the daylight savings as well. Are you sure about this information? Yes. Where'd you get this from? What are you talking about? Go ahead. Let's see how he Googles it.

My glasses are right here on deck. Daylight saving time. He's right. Yeah. What states are getting rid of daylight savings in 2022? That's just people spelling it wrong. Yeah. It's not daylight savings.

Man. Are you going to invest at daylight savings in trust? He was so thrilled to tell me this yesterday. You really got twinkle in your eye. It's daylight saving. Yeah. Yeah. I'm positive.

And then I was doing PT rehab for my ankle. Yeah. The PT lady was having me do squats and I'm not very good at them. And you came in. That's a... Look at him. Look how he loves pointing at... Look how much he fucking hates me.

Not very good at them is an understatement. You're really bad. That's funny. Tell me. Tell me. It's like watching a little old lady try to take a shit without handles. You know, she's like, shit on this wall. She's like...

It was fun. It was fun to watch. But when you came in to watch me, you had a real look of... I said, come on. Step it up. Yeah. Yeah. You got angry.

I tried to give you some of that coaching. But do you know why my knees hurt? Because I gained a thousand pounds with our first kid. Your knees hurt? Yeah. Yeah. From being like fat and whatever. Yeah.

But you really wanted to see me do physical. You got upset with me. I didn't get actually upset with you. Felt like anger. No. I was just trying to get you going, man. Yeah. Negative reinforcement.

No, motivation. Let's go. Let's fucking go. Yeah. He's so funny. She was like, oh, let's have a competition. There is no competition. There is with my balance on my bad ankle.

Yes. I believe that I could balance. Do you want to know why? Why? Why? Women have a better center of gravity anyway. And I do yoga a lot. I'm doing downward facing dog every day.

And I believe that I could balance better on my bad leg than you. Okay. I'll take care of that. I'm going to have a cut. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. My balance is way better.

When do you want to do it? I'll find you tonight after work. What you do right here right at this break? I'll do right here at the break. I'll show you what's up. What's your balance? What's the competition? Time.

How long you can do it for? Just stand like this or bend and move around. I don't know. You tell me, bitch. You don't know. You tell me. Okay. I'll do either one.

Okay. Let's do it. Try it out. What's your... So standing on your left? Yeah. On my bad ankle. Why is it that the bad one balances better?

Well, that's the contest is to see who can balance better on their broken thing. Oh, I got you. On their broken wing. Better. How long can you balance on it? I haven't really tried yet, but I think I'm better at it than you. Because you're a woman? Well, no.

Just because I'm better at it. I feel like my balance is better than yours. Just definitely not better. Yeah. I'm a bird. We've talked about this. You don't have a good sense of balance. Yes, I do.

I'm a bird. We've talked about what animal I am. I'm an ostrich and I'm a bird and I balance better on things. You're a bear. You're clumsy. You don't do things like that. No. I'll beat you at this.

For sure. Shut up. Okay. Okay. You want to see who can do better on the Peloton? Don't even get me started on the Peloton. So I got the treadmill so that I can do my steps every day because the weather is now too cold.

Mm-hmm. And I've heard about the trainers being hot, but they're like too hot. I think some of them are really... Yeah. You think people want to hear you blow your fucking nose? I don't give a fuck. But don't you feel like some of them are too hot? Like they're too good looking and it's very distracting?

I don't think so. Uh-huh. Okay. Like there's... Okay. There's Bex. And I feel like... Can you find Bex on there?

I do Allie sometimes. Who? Allie. Allie Love. She's really cool looking. Yeah. She's rad. Oh my God.

I feel like I could show her what's up though. Well, how? What do you mean show her what's up? Just take her for a fucking ride. You know what I mean? Like I don't think she's been properly dealt with. Oh my God. Allie would fucking punch you in the face.

She's tough. No, I... I'd like to see it. She's your jam? She's your lady? No, I mean she's one of my ladies. I take classes from her all the time. What was your other lady?

This one. Let me show you. Okay. See Bex? I feel like she's from London, so I like her accent. Yeah. But I feel like she's too perfect. Like Bex is too perfect.

She makes me very... Like I can't... I don't relate to Bex. There's like not an ounce of fat on her. Let me see her. And I feel like Bex... Is there another image of her? Yeah, do Bex gentry.

There's no K. Uh-oh. Yeah. Like... Oh my God, she runs... Like she's perfect. Yeah, she's hot. She's...

There's not an ounce of fat. Bex is perfect. Do you think she's like vegan? Um... Oh my God. I don't know. I can't. Anyway, so there's...

Okay, so I go... Let me show you this though. What? In that same search profile right there. Type in Allie Love. I like Allie Love's whole... Why? Didn't you just read it?

Oh, shit. See, I think Allie has a real sweetness to her. No, I like Allie. Yeah. I like... I like that you like Allie. I approve. I think she's great.

I have a feeling her... I like her whole vibe. Oh, shit. She's married. She married that guy right there. She did? Yeah. Well, what do you care if she's married and you're gonna marry her?

Well, Andrew Haynes. Yeah. But she looks real sweet. Yeah, no. I like her. There's a few that I'm a little like... I don't know that I want you to work out with them. Oh, really?

Because they're too attractive. Let's go back to the main list. Too wild. No, she's great. I like Allie. I didn't tell you who I like. What? Who?

I'm not even paying attention. I'm listening. I'm looking for your... Oh, Charlotte looks like she's trouble. Callie's trouble. Which one? Callie. Oh, she's trouble.

Callie Gluckluck? Don't you dare work out with Callie. Callie Gluckluck 3000? I don't trust you with Callie. Callie's too much fun. Callie knows how to put that hair in a ponytail real quick. Yeah, I imagine. Yeah.

She's like, come on over here. Oh, no. See, this is what makes me nervous about Peloton. Hit up Callie. Let me see Callie. No. Oh, hit up Callie. Yeah, let's see what's up.

I haven't taken any classes from her yet. No. See, this is the thing people don't realize about Peloton. Yeah. Put this piece up. No. She is down. Peloton is ruining marriages right now.

If there was a Peloton blow job ranking, Callie would be at the top. Would you stop with this? I bet you she's got crazy technique. No wonder. When I'm looking at your Peloton bike, you've been exercising like three times a day. No wonder now. No wonder. She's your one?

She's what she is one. Did you just come again? That. I like her. She's your jam? I don't know. I've never taken a class. But yeah, that right there is like, oops, did you come again?

Oh my God, babe. Babe. That image. Doesn't know if that's happening. Uh-oh. I guess I made you come. Oh my God. Stop.

Callie Peloton is going to like anything you're saying. Callie Gluckson and Rad Lopez. I like Rad Lopez. Rad Lopez? That's his name. Rad. He looks rad. I like the one where they're walking through Hyde Park.

Go to the main list again. And it's a light-skinned black guy and a British girl. They're walking through the different neighborhoods in London. And they're talking about the neighborhoods. I got on your thing and I didn't see how to do that. Oh, you can just go like on walks through different. I walked through Madrid, Spain. How do you pick where?

You have to scroll. You go down and then you can pick like walks through different parts of the world. Kendall. You go to Scotland. Don't. Uh-oh. Look at Kira. Kira.

No, but Kendall's who I've taken a lot of classes from. Okay. Let me see. Wait a minute. I know who this is. Kendall's trouble, Tom. Oh, I know Kendall. Oh, I know Kendall is trouble.

I know Kendall because Agent Jeans and I have been talking about Kendall. Kendall has. You're into Kendall? I have taken the most classes from Kendall. Uh-uh. Not anymore. Why? She's always like, you know what?

I'm not a holler back girl. See, that's the problem. I think Kendall's, Kendall's going to steal your heart. No. She's a wild cart. There she is. See? I don't like it.

No, no, no. I think Kendall's too hot for you. She's very cheery. She's actually like super cheerful and like, come on. She's, you know, she's all positive vibes. Well, I don't like this now. You don't like that she's positive? Well, I didn't.

Here's the deal. Is that I, are you listening to me or are you still a rapper? She's fucking wearing right there. Make that bigger. What do you think she's wearing? Hello. This is in public. No, I know.

That's why Kendall's like a bad girl. I don't trust you with Kendall. No, she's not a real bad girl though. That's the thing. You could tell. You could tell when you take these glasses and you, you see, she's like a girl. She's a girl that talks a lot of shit and doesn't fucking back it up. Like you get in the bed and you're like spit on me and she's like, what?

I'm like, get the fuck out of here. Yeah. See, this is what I'm talking about. I don't like this whole thing with like, you have a whole thing with Kendall and what she's like. I know what she's like. Babe. She's fucking right.

I knew it. I fucking knew something because I was like, why is Tom always on this fucking bicycle? It's great exercise. I'm like, he's doing it three times a day, five days a week. You're on the peloton. You lost all this weight. And then I look on your, I know I finally get the treadmill and I'm like, oh, that's why.

Because of Kendall. Kendall. You know what I saw her the other day? I looked on her videos. She was like making an expression. Like the tongue out and then she's crazy. No. She's a wild child.

I don't think so. I think it's all. It's all for that picture. She's like, yeah, it's all for the Graham, dude. I mean, babe, I bet you know, you take her out and you're like, let's go upstairs and like, I don't like it, you know, bend over and she's like, wait, but we've only gone out a few times and you're like, oh, for fuck's sake. Wait, she went, scroll up, scroll up, scroll up.

Is she with? That's, what's his name? Jay Cutler? Are they? Oh, no, they're just talking. Let's just interview. Okay. Let's do cool bikini or something.

You know, let's see what's up. I don't like this. Oh my God. I don't like this Peloton. There she is. All right. We're going to cancel the subscription. Look at that pig.

Come on. Hey, there's a bunch of hot dudes teaching. There are. Look at my guys. I'll show you my favorite guys because I'm on the treadmill. You do the bike. Here at Michael's a bad girl. Look at her.

Oh, look at Leanne right there. Yeah. Hainsby looks like, oh, is that another come shot? Like with her at him? She's like, I have come in my palm. She's like, oops. I've got a dick in my hand. Yep.

An invisible dick. Oh yeah. Leanne, definitely. Leanne and see, here's a deal with Leanne. Hold on. Here's a deal with her is that she, Kendall will put on the I'm a bad girl thing. I think Leanne is. I totally agree.

Yeah. I think Kendall's thing is all like, I look hot. I like, I like looking like this. I like, I like being like, but yeah. But can I tell you something? What? Do you know what's the ultimate turnoff for me? Oh, look, she's engaged to like a nice guy.

You could tell that guy's. He's really sweet. Yeah. He's a good one. Wait, can I tell you what? It, it enrages me. What? And Rob Eiler and I have talked about this.

Heart hands. Oh yeah. It enrages me. Well, it's one of the gayest things you can do. It's so gay. And I'm sure you're a nice person, but I just, whenever I see heart hands, I want to feel like I don't think she's a PIG anymore. Why?

Because she's a good boy. Because she's with that super sweet guy. I think she's actually probably pretty sweet. Yeah. I create entire worlds for my Peloton. Yeah. Let's get out of this shit. I don't want to see any nice girls.

Wait, can I show you the guy? Scroll it down. No, no. He's, he's, he's under tread. So I like Rad Lopez. Let me see Rad. Is he in the bike category? There's Rad.

Click on Rad. His name's Rad. Rad Lopez. I like him. Let's look up his deal. Oh yeah. He's handsome. I'll take a class with Rad.

Yeah. You know what I like about him? He's like, you know, I used to be a dancer and then once COVID hit, I realized my true passion. Look at that body. Yeah. I know. And he's like, I love just training people on Peloton, getting to know everybody.

Positive energy. Look at Rad. He's so positive. Positive. And I bet he's got like an odd hobby too. He's like, like, what? Okay. I enjoy hiking.

It's not an odd hobby. Well, I'm front. Hold on. Let me find it. Okay. And then he's like, I've got a collection of keys that I've had since I was a little kid. I just love odd looking keys, skeleton keys.

And I'll be like, Rad. That'd be weird. Rad, you're so weird, but I like you. Rad, you're so rad. And like he's got cool tattoos and stuff. Okay. Yeah. You got a story.

Oh, he's so nice. Look at him. And he's approachable. He's just open emotionally, like he's ready for a relationship. Yeah, but I don't think he eats pussy. I think that's the problem with him. You don't know that about Rad. I'm pretty sure.

Oh, he's so positive. Look at him. I'm pretty sure. Look at that back. It's a great back. It's physically very fit. And he's a fitness instructor. And then look at Chase Tucker next to him.

Who's that? That guy. Very fit. Yeah. Perfect. He's leaving. What? Look at that.

There's an actual article. Peloton instructor Chase Tucker is leaving. It's wild. These people have like agents and stuff. It's a whole economy. Yeah. I mean, there's a whole... Oh, I was going to ask you.

The other day I was on my treadmill and somebody high-fived me. Have you ever had that happen? Yeah. What's that about? It's just this thing that like people taking the class can high-five. It's a way to motivate, make a community like, you know? No. I was like, do I know you bitch?

I don't know. Don't you high-five me? You're supposed to let, you know... I always close it out and go, don't fucking bother me. Dump Kendall. Let's go back to the list of hoes. Dump Kendall. You hear me?

Yeah. I don't trust you with her. I don't like it. Look at Robin. Oh my God. I got to take a class from her this week. She's dangerous. She's got the tattoos.

Arzon? What kind of a last name is that? Arzon? Arzon. She's Latin, no? Robin Arzon. Oh my God. These people are so fit.

Let's see. I can't believe how good... She's on Women's Health magazine. Yeah. Oh my God. And when I see his hottest trainer. Oh, I like her. I think she...

Oh, she's got a baby. Yeah, ex out of it. Close it out. Close it out. Close it out. Close it out. Scroll down. What about...

Oh, I like Ross. Look at Ross Rayburn. Oh, Ross is good. He does yoga. You know what I like about Ross? He's been... He's divorced. That's okay because he got married really young at 19 or 20.

Yeah. And then what happened was after his first divorce and he's got a couple of kids with a first wife, he really learned how to connect with him, his inner emotional self and how to connect to women and the universe. And now he's like... He's very present. I'm very present and I feel my feelings and I'm ready for just to good vibes, you know? Sure.

Yeah, I like Ross. Wait, Tobias. I like Tobias because he's like, I used to teach fifth grade math and now I'm on the trend. Tobias looks like he works on a fucking kiosk. I know. He looks so normal. Oh my God, look at Toondi Oyen and she's gorgeous.

Yeah. She's a statue. Yeah, it's like a real Nigerian name. Yeah, she's really pretty. Christian looks like he's Danish. Yeah, he's weird. He's like, six, five. I don't know.

Teaching in New York is weird. There's a bunch of Jews. You know, still a big city. It's fun to be around. Yeah, he's at the bottom there. Susie Chan. Oh, I like that they mix it up. There's Susie Chan.

Yeah, they have a few. It's diverse. Hey, that diversity is big. Yeah. There was also... Well, they're not just all... Sam-Yo. Sam-Yo.

Very attractive. Oh, I like Sam-Yo. What up, yo? He looks like positive energy. Who? Sam-Yo. He's super positive, you can tell. That's a genuine smile.

Yeah. He's happy to be there. Yeah. Oh, but Ross. I was hoping for a little sluttier group of gals. Rebecca Kennedy looks like she sucks it. That girl sucks it. You think so?

Yeah. Yeah. It's always the ones that don't make it obvious. That's what I'm saying. See, Rebecca is like under the... Yeah, no, she's really... Because she's like the girl next door. Yeah, she's natural, very pretty.

Yeah. And then she'll lay it on you. Right, Annie? I think so. Annie knows. You tell me. I think she's very attractive. No, they're all very attractive.

Scroll, scroll, scroll. Oh, yeah. How much do you think they could sell their smelly workout clothes for? So much. What if... And here's money. And they ride the bike, so it's like it's all that ass and post juice and sweat all together. Peloton's leaving money on the table, because here's what they should be doing at the end of the class.

And they show they should show you take it off, zip lock, and it's going in the fucking bin. Yeah, and to the highest bidder, millions of dollars. High-five, high-five, high-five, high-five. Oh, my God, they would make so much money selling their soiled peloton workout gear to pervert dudes. Yep. Oh, my God. Yeah. Well, they're definitely good looking, and I'm not going to stop taking Kendall's class.

But I don't like how Kendall treats you. I don't know. I don't know your relationship with Kendall. How about this Mala girl here? Because she seems like really in touch with nature. Yeah. Mala Wendekine, right? Yeah.

She looks like she's like very... I feel like she's an outdoorsy type. Yeah. Yeah, Colorado. She's a... Yeah. God, she's fucking jacked, dude. She's like, look, she's a surfer.

Oh, she's a surfer, yeah. Yeah. She reminds me of Robin Wright Penn. She's got like those vibes. That natural look. Gorgeous. She's like naturally beautiful. Yeah.

And she's like, uh-oh. But here's the thing. Okay, here's the thing. If you're with her, she's stunning. If you're with her though, you're working out 24-7. That's what I'm saying. Could you even keep up with her? No, definitely not.

Because she's like, okay, Tom, let's go to Hawaii on vacation. You're like, great. And you're like, she's up at 4 a.m. She's doing her run, and then you're in the ocean. You're doing your surfing. Oh, she's German. Oh, that's fine. You know what?

I could hang out with her. We have the same values. Oh, what's that? I just like German chicks. Oh, I didn't remember now. And fucking Tunisia. I didn't mean her. Oh.

Scroll down. I don't want you hanging out with Merle. I changed my mind. Really? Merle. She's gorgeous. I'm going to go surfing. Now, she's a stud, though, dude.

I like your first chick, her. Yeah, she's sweet. She's amazing. They're all pretty and fun. Yeah, I think she's a good time. Look, six toughest Peloton instructors. Oh, dang. But Ally's disarming with that smile.

Ally's like, can I say something with Ally? She's a good time. I like her. You go to happy hour with Ally. She's sweet. She'll eat the nachos, even though she's a Peloton instructor. She's like, I drink margaritas and I have nachos because I want to live my life. And she's also backpacked through Europe.

She's very worldly. I feel like she's curious about other cultures and stuff. Good energy. Good energy. Yeah, I like her whole vibe. I haven't done any of the other stuff. I haven't done yoga on the Peloton. They offer yoga.

No. You can hit that on the screen and do a yoga class. Yeah, it's pretty cool shit. This is a very cool piece of equipment. It's a whole world. It is. This thing. Hopefully they start hiring more sluts to teach.

I don't like that, Tom. Yeah. Babe. Yeah. I don't like you with Kendall. I'm going to break up that relationship right now. You heard the heart. Yeah.

The heart. Yeah. Dude, you should see her classes. She's like, how about a fella like, oh. That's what I'm saying. I don't like it that everybody's talking about her. Yeah. Oh my God.

Do you remember when this song came out? Brittany, we still, you slay girl. Can I tell you though, that's my least favorite part of a class. I don't like their music because there's no Bauhaus playlist. Well, no one's going to play that gay shit. No way I know. But they're going to, yeah. I don't want any of your friends.

It says different playlists though. Yeah, I know. But I don't like them. You don't like any of them? I haven't looked at all of them. No one's going to play Bauhaus at a workout. No, I know. I know.

I wish they would. Fuck. You think people want to hear that when they're riding a bike? All right. Tights I ate something else? What? I went and I saw the White House. The house of the United States president?

Yeah. And? I'm not impressed. You're not impressed? I didn't even know that I was walking up to it. You know who shares your opinion? Who? Donald Trump.

Really? Yeah. That's the one thing he and I really agree on. I got to say, because there are houses in Austin. When he got elected, he was like, this place is a dump. It is a dump. Yeah. Compared to like houses in Tarrytown that I've seen, I'm like, this is not that impressive.

In fact, I will even go so far as to say that. Look at this fucking place. It's a dump. Up close. I didn't even know it was. I walked up to it and I was like, what are all these protesters doing out here? I swear to God. Chase and I were walking.

You just stumbled upon. I literally stumbled. 1600 Pennsylvania. I literally stumbled. Chase and I were going for a walk. Yeah. And I was like, what are all these protesters doing? There's blocks of barricades and you're like.

Not that day. And I go and Chase and I were like, is this the White House? We had to ask a stranger if it was the White House. Yeah. I had no idea. You were like, is this just somebody's place or is this the White House? I thought it could be like any other administration, administrative building. Honestly, it didn't look that majestic.

And I have to say that the security was not impressive. I think the security at our house is more impressive. I saw like one guy in front. I guarantee you, if you wanted to test that theory, you'd have a different opinion. I didn't think he was that good looking. And also I went to Union Station the next day. Now that's an impressive building. Union Station.

Go ahead and Google Union Station in Washington, Dick Come. That's a fucking building. Look how gorgeous that is. And in fact, I would like to make an official. That is impressive. That is impressive. Yeah. Look at that.

This is a fucking building. Look at this. Now that's the White House. Look at that. The Amtrak Station looks better than the White House. They should move. They should swap. That's what I'm saying.

So I'd like to petition you right now, President Biden, to move the White House to the Amtrak Station because that looks much better than the White House. You were really unimpressed? So unimpressed. And I say that as a true patriot and as someone that I love America and I want our White House to be more impressive. They deserve. We deserve a better White House.

Honestly, their houses in Texas much more majestic. Like you know when they build replicas of the White House? These maniacs. Kid Rocks. Kid Rocks. Kid Rocks house is better than this. Kid Rock took me to the White House duplicate that he was building. That was funny when they did that shit.

In Tennessee. It was so ridiculous. Yeah, see Kid Rocks White House is better than the White House. That's not it. It was, it's brand new. It's not in Detroit. It's brand new. It's in, it's outside Nashville.

I don't know if there's images on it yet. I don't know if there's images on it yet. What's that? Isn't that funny that some rich people become obsessed with the White House and then they want to rebuild it? He's also obsessed with Trump. He does, right. He loves Trump.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So funny. We went to his current place when he had like different buildings all along this, he had like this land and there was like church of rock and then the main house and a hangout place. He was like, y'all want to see this shit I'm building? They were like, yeah.

Why not? So he took us up this hill. It was a neighboring property and you go whine all the way up this hill and he's like, check this shit out. It was all like, it's a White House duplicate. It's amazing. It was something crazy like, I don't know, 10 or 12,000 square feet, two bedrooms. That's all he wanted.

Like, yeah. There's like a rock grotto rock thing underneath, you know, like hot tub shit. There was a bowling alley, a shooting range, perfect, huge kitchen and there's a, when you walk in the front door, the first thing you see is an elevator shaft and he's like, yeah. And it was still under construction. You know, he's like, it's all gold. I was like, no shit.

He goes, you know, in the contractor, you're talking to him through the house, like how I want to do it. He was like, you know, most people, they hide elevators. They tuck him away as though they're in the corner and he was like, well, fuck this kid rocks house. I want people to walk in and kid rock that motherfucker elevator. I love it. I love it.

Yeah. You're kid rock. Do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah. Good for him. Yeah. Yeah. That's good.

Two bedrooms. Cause if you don't have kids, I'm assuming he doesn't have small children. No, he got grown kids. Yeah. You don't need bedrooms. Honestly. What do you need all the doors and shit for anyway? If it's just you and your girl, whatever.

Yeah. Yeah. Have a big open space. Why the fuck not? He really embraces the, you know, southern vibes. Yeah. Well, I tell you, that song was so good. My name is kid.

Yeah. Josie. Josie. His little little person. Yeah. Yeah. That was, I mean, that was a jam, dude. You heard that.

You fucking got hyped. Yeah. He had that sign out front and said, we don't call 911 around here. Oh, cool. We have that in our house. Did I? Oh, no, no. It's up there.

I put it there too. Yeah. One of those. Yeah. We don't call 911. I love that. That's from the Hobby Lobby. That's where I got that one.

Yeah. Yeah. So I think Kid Rock's version is more impressive than the leader of the free world's house. Okay. Yeah. You're really, um... I'm upset. I want it to be more regal.

It should be, we're, you know, making nice, bro. It's old, man. It's old. It's an old house. It's an old joke. Yeah. It's the oldest shit. Okay.

Yeah. All right. Um, we had Phil Hanley on recently. That's right. And, um, he told us amongst other things that he used to model. Yes. And he sent you a modeling photo. Yes.

He, he sent it to me. Look how stunning. Phil Hanley. Yeah. I thought he was a handsome dude here. I mean, still is a handsome guy, but this is in his real youth here. He's like 19, 20 years old. God.

He's heroin thin. Yes. He is really slender because he was telling how all the clothes was too big for him. Yeah. Because it was in like the buff date, like when they wanted real buff models too. And he was like in that period when they were transitioning from the buff guy to the super skinny guy. Yeah.

And, uh, but that clearly fits him, but that he's so thin. Yes. It's a good time, but it's a good time. Hands and face. Look at the hair. He's got like candy reeds, early candy Reeves hair. Yeah. Stunning.

Yeah. Look at you. Yeah. God damn. Could you imagine going from like runway modeling to stand up comedy? Yeah. Geez. Yeah.

Quite a, quite a different crowd. Yeah. Fuck. Modeling's got to be the worst though. He, um, uh, I can't believe he, that's actually in his life story. I know. I went to school. I modeled.

Now I'm a comedian. I modeled. Now I'm a comedian. For most people that would say I have modeled would be like, it's too hard to become a stand up. Oh yeah. The modeling part of it. You'd be like, you can't do this with this face.

Oh, you mean like you're too attractive to be a stand up. People wouldn't take you seriously. They'd be like, you're too pretty for this. Yeah. And you see some of them do it. I've seen men and women both get on stage and you're like, you're too hot for this gig. Yeah. And they're like, you can tell they're trying to figure out what they're, whether to lean

into it or lean out of it. And I'll tell you for sure. Lean out of it. Lean out of it. Yeah. It doesn't work when you lean into it. No, it's trough. I saw some dude.

He was like six, four jacked, just like gorgeous dude and he was in a tank top and he was like trying to do jokes about his looks and he was just like, oh, it was so cringy. And I've seen the super hot chick with like the, uh, the glass hour that, you know, hour glass figure and wearing like skin tight clothes. So like it completely highlights it and she's just up there trying to, and you're like, you can't, it's not going to work. It doesn't work because you're not shattering any assumptions. Yeah.

I mean, you're not, um, and they keep going backwards. They're like, I'm still doing it. Yeah. Why just be hot. Yeah. Just be hot. Right. Yeah.

If you, you know, if you're not really wired for comedy, well, the only time I think you can really be done is like May West cause she was attractive and over overly sexual than that can work. Yeah. If your act is about being overly sexual. And then you have to lean in hard. I know. You got to go cartoony with it.

Yeah. A hot guy, like a model hot guy. Yeah. That's tough. That one is tough because people already have so many of something like you can't be smug if you're that good looking. No. So you can't, you can't be mean or smug.

Yeah. You have to be, you have to like do a really good dumb act. Dumb is good. I think dumb is good. I'm dumb as shit and like really sell it. You know? Yeah. Like Chrissy Snow from Threes Company, like that dumb character, Victoria Jackson did

a great like. Yeah. Great. That's always good. Yeah. Anyway. Anyways. Anyways.

How great was she? She was the best ditzy blonde. Suzanne Summers played Chrissy Snow on Threes Company. She was hot, but she could play stupid, which was the key. That was the key. You have to be smart to play stupid though. Oh yeah. To play it well.

Yes. Goldie Hawn. So I have a YMH world story. Are you ready for this? Sure. You want music for this? I mean, yeah, it's kind of cool. It's kind of fucking cool.

This is a YMH exclusive. YMH exclusive. It's just fun. I think this is one of those like small YMH world stories that I enjoy so much happen happening. So I don't know if you guys remember, but okay, a few months ago, I came in here and I was all fired up because I went to Starbucks, Barstuck, sorry, and the drive-through guy that gave me my coffee was like a dork and he had a Star Trek pen on his lapel.

And I came in here in a rage. Fired up. Fired up because I was like, it just makes me upset when people get to be dorks now openly. You know what I mean? I think you should hide your dorkiness or be punished for it. Even like the way that you hide your gothness sometimes. Absolutely. I know that I will be shamed.

As you should be. As I should be. And therefore you keep it to yourself. Correct. I have a dungeon that I go into and I get weird and I don't show up every day in black makeup because I know it's inappropriate. It's going to get, I'm going to get teased. You should be.

And I feel like that's how it should be if you're into dorky shit. Just to quietly enjoy it. You make it your fucking thing. So I talked shit about him on the show and I'm at this other restaurant with my kids and the cashier is this like cute young kid and he's got like a crazy mullet and he's wearing like just like kind of a rad metal look. And I says to him, I goes, I says, I was like, hey man, I love your look. This is a great fucking look.

And I go sit down and I'm waiting for the food and this girl comes up to me and she goes, hi mommy, I'm a big fan. And then we start talking and she goes, so you know that cashier guy that you spoke to earlier with the mullet? She goes, that's the Star Trek kid. I go, what? She's like, yeah. So he comes over and I meet him and he's like, you wouldn't believe.

So he goes, I was working the Starbucks drive-thru and so many people from your mom's house saw the pin and they're like, you're the fucking Star Trek nerd. He's like, I got famous. He had to leave Starbucks. He's a new job now. And he's like so many people were like, hey, they're talking about you. You're the Star Trek nerd. So now he's got a totally different look.

It's cool now. It's so cool. You helped him. I don't know if I, yeah, okay. I don't know if I'll take credit, but I, you know, and I was like, I think this place is better. It was a happier place. They were all very nice there.

And I go, now this is a look that's going to get you laid. This is a hot look. You did it. And he was like, yeah, thank you. And I was like, no hard feelings. He's like, of course not. And he's like a young kid. He's from Austin and da, da, da, da.

So anyway, full circle, shout out to Star Trek kid now, a cool mullet kid. I don't want to say where he works now, but yeah, it was kind of a cool moment. And then, oh, and then the girl I met at the restaurant was like, can I ask you about you're a non-binary person? She's like, is it the da, da, da on the street? And I was like, nope, that's not it. So people are now guessing that. Did you talk to your non-binary?

Never got the chance to. I've been back since. And remember that one time I was super pumped because they were there? You were all sweating. Sweating. Sweating. But then they were going to go, hey, so what's your, what's your name? What's your pronoun?

I was this close to doing it. And then they had to go take calls in the back and then I didn't get to speak to them. You go, hey, hey, hey, just, you know, what's your, like, what's your, what's your pronoun? Like, what do you like to? What's your pronoun? What's your pronoun? Yeah, so full circle, I thought that was really cute and they were all mommies at this restaurant and it was nice.

That's very cool. Also, you were in Jew dork titties and you saw Mike Probiglia's show. Oh my goodness. Yeah. Listen, I'm not a Broadway gal. I've never seen a Broadway show, have you? No, I don't think I have, no. I've never seen a Broadway play or anything.

So Chasey and I went to go see Mike Probiglia's, uh, the old man in the pool and I was blown away by his talent, his writing ability, the performance, the writing is so tight and so beautiful. He's always been a really good writer. You guys, if you're, if you're in Jew dork titties, go see the old man in the pool, uh, Mike Probiglia. It's about life and family and, uh, what makes life worth living and just very deep and layered and also very funny and just beautiful, such a great storyteller.

So I'd love to get him on here to talk about it because I think it's just such a great show. Let's do it. Let's have him on. Yeah. Did you ask him? We reached out. I think I, well, we're on it.

We're on it? Okay. And then you got to, we went to see Chris Rock. Yeah, that was awesome. You're so happy. You were so happy. I was so happy. Amazing show.

Yeah. He's top of his game. I think so too. Top of his game. It's crazy. As a comedian, who's done this for like a while now, when you realize that all the best comedians are over 50, you're like, Oh, you can just keep getting better if you work at it. And I think it's his best set in 20 years of all the stuff that I think it's his best

set in 20. He was on fire. Yeah. And for like an hour 40 on fire. I mean, he kept it up the pace. His energy was crazy. There were so many great takes, so many high, high level bits. And he would, you know, he was just exact for me, exactly what I want to see.

Just statement, provocative, you're like, where's this going to go? And then just loaded with jokes. It was, it was really fun to see. I really enjoyed it so much. So did I. His I won't give anything away, but his, his take on the slap was fucking so good and so much better than, you know, than I would have said or imagined. It's so much.

You could tell he took his time with it because it's so thoughtful. It's like a thoughtful, hilarious. And he dresses him down in the, in a way that you're like, like it's not just like, it's not roast. Fuck you. Fuck you. No, it's not. It's, it's thoughtful and it's layered and it's, and it's just, you know, it's two minutes.

But the whole, I don't know, he's going to cut that down to 60 for a, it's going to be an incredible special. It's so good. It's so good. He's really, really exceptionally good. Exceptional. And like you said, very well thought out, very methodical, very thorough. You're just like a couple of bits in there that I fucking, I almost fell over some good

shit. Oh my God. Well, he's doing, they announced it a live. Is it announced? Yeah. I just said Netflix. He's doing his hour live. That's the first, uh, live stand-up special.

I mean, that's fucking ballsy, too, to do something special live. He can. Yeah. Yeah. It was so special to get, and we also got to hang out with him, which was really cool too, I thought. Very surreal. Very fun.

Yeah. Gosh. Who are we? Do you ever think that you're like, what the fuck? What is this life? What is this life? What a fun life. I know.

We got to hang out with him for a while. I know. Like 45 minutes before the show, another 15 after the show. I know. It was pretty wild. Yeah. It was cool. We got to ask him questions.

Yeah. That was like my, well, you know, still is. A dream hang. Yeah. Here's my number one influence in stand-up. Yeah. For sure. Gosh.

So many pupils. Yeah. I wonder like, who would I want to talk to alive or dead? I always think about that. Better, by the way, than I could have dreamt of. As a human? To hang out with? I agree.

I had no idea. I was like, I wonder if he's going to be, you know, I'm Chris Rock on the shed. Oh my God. He was so down to earth and like cool. Very cool. Yeah. It was really a dream. Yeah.

I mean, he said nice. He was super nice. So complimentary. He loves you. Yeah. He was very nice. You know what I love about him? And this is a very bizarre thing.

What? I love how his mouth moves. Yeah. He's so unique. You know, like the curl of his lip and how it moves and his teeth and everything. I'm very obsessed with how people, yeah, I like his lip. Yeah. The upper lip, the way it moves.

It's so fun. He's also just. Good teeth. Yeah. Great teeth. He's a charismatic, fun guy. I mean. Yeah.

And he likes to talk shop. He likes to hang out with comedians. He does, yeah. It's fun. Oh, and Rick Ingram. Yeah. Opened for him. He killed.

He murdered. It's always fun to see the comedy store guys out there doing their thing. Oh, my God. And I was with our neighbors the next day after Chris Rock's show. And everyone's talking about Rick Ingram. Yeah. I mean, and Chris Rock. But then they're like, oh, and who's the guy before him?

Well, it's because it's a surprise. They're like, who is it? I've never seen this, you know? Yeah. And Rick killed it. Crushed. Yeah. And he was furious.

He was working the arena, the moody center, like it was the main room. Oh, yeah. It was cool to watch because you're like, that's a comedy store guy right there. Yeah. He's like, look at this. He's like, look at this guy right here, you know, putting the camera on people. Yeah. It was fun.

Really fun. It's so nice to see your homies. Yeah. Getting their shit, man. Yeah, it was great. It's fucking great, dude. It's awesome. Yeah.

Yeah. Comedy's doing really well. I'm so excited. I'm so inspired by people right now. I'll tell you, I just had an incident at a store. Uh-oh. So one of my pet peeves that has grown over the last few years is being asked personal information for making a purchase.

Like when you check out and they're like, okay, and your name and your phone number and your email. I've grown more and more intolerant of it. Yeah. I don't blame you. It's got, you know, I yelled at somebody once. One lady ignored my request to do this once and was like, oh, I found your profile. And so I was like, guess what we're going to do right now?

Return everything I just bought. And it was a commission store, so I took all our commissions away. I did not know that. Yeah. So hold on. Let's walk through this story. There's a few stories. Okay.

So, so you're at the register and she's like, okay, I like to bring you up. I bought a lot of stuff. It was high ticket items. And she was like, and let's get you this, uh, put this on your profile. I don't want it on my profile. And she was like, you don't have a profile here? I go, I don't want it on a profile. She was like, well, you'll get a lot of credit.

I go, I don't want credit. She was like, okay. And it was like this whole thing where she was like trying to explain the benefits. And I was like, I don't want it. You care. Yeah. I don't want to be, why do they have to know? Yeah.

And she was like, okay. Such a violation. So it's like, it's established. So I check out high ticket, expensive. Swipe, get my bags. As I'm leaving this store, I see another salesperson who I've seen before who's like, oh, did you see? And it's just one more item, like a t-shirt.

And I go, um, okay, let me try it on. So I'm leaving the store, but I go, hold my bags. I'll try this shirt on. I try the shirt on. He comes back. He's like, how's it fit? I go, it's good. And he goes, okay, do you want it?

I go, sure. I give it to him. As I'm putting my shirt on that I had worn in, I walk back out. He rings me up and then I get the shirt. And now I'm leaving the store with this additional item. As I'm leaving the store, the lady walks up to me, the first lady that I had made. She goes, while you were in there, you bought that shirt, I found out what your profile was from him because he knew you.

And so I added, I retroactively added your purchases to your profile. And now you'll get these points. And I go, guess what we're going to do right now? We're going to return everything I bought. And she was like, what? I go, I'm going to return everything. And she was like, but you get like cash back. And I go, I don't want cash back.

And I specifically told you not to do this. She was like, and then, you know, she was like emotional. Like she got emotional. And then the man is over. And I, you know, I fucking yelled at him. Then I guess it was too much to ask to follow the request. And he was like, I'm sorry. They're all scared, you know.

No shit. So are we. And then the sunglasses place. I've been there three times where like I'm out, you know, middle of the day here and I'm like fucking off sunglasses. And I walk into like, you know, it's expensive. But like, it's not like crazy. It's not crazy, but you get like $80 sunglasses, $100 sunglasses.

And I've just been there different times where I'm out. And I just kind of go like, yeah, I'll take these. And they're like, let me get your email. I'm like, nope. And they're like, do you have a phone number? I'm like, nope. And they're like, well, what information? And I go, none.

They're $80. Here's $80. And they go, and then they call the manager. The same guy. And he's like, well, you won't have a warranty. I go, I don't care. I don't want a warranty. And he's like, well, you won't be in the system

if anything happens. They go, don't fucking put me in the system. Anything happens, I promise I won't come back. Yeah, they're sunglasses. You don't expect to own them forever. I'm willing to incur the risk. And it's like if they make a whole scene about this. So then they're like, and he does it.

He's like, all right. And then guess what? He's like, here's the sunglasses. I'm like, thanks. That's all I wanted to do is buy. I don't want to have a profile of sunglasses. So I'm in the store. It's a nice store here in Austin.

And I get a few items. And they're like, all right. And I just need your email. I go, no, I don't want to give them an email. And they're like, what about just a phone number? I'm like, no. Why? And they're like, well, I go, I don't want a profile.

Yeah. And they're like, okay, hold on. Let me get somebody. Oh my God. And then they leave and come back with somebody who's like, hey, can I help you? I go, I don't know. I'm trying to buy this stuff.

Can you help me? And he's like, what is it? I go, I don't want to give information. I just want to make purchases. Yeah, I agree with you. He's like, oh, well, you know, if you give us your information, then you'll know everything I purchased. I don't care.

I don't want you to. He's like, okay, well, I think we have to reboot the system. Oh my God. Okay. Reboot it. I mean, you know, you're not doing me a favor. Like just make it work. I have money to buy this.

All I want to do is make this purchase, man. I don't need a whole history here that I've made purchases of a shirt and a pen and just fucking. But what's the utility? Because I've worked in retail at three or four different retail stores. It's the most valuable thing they get from you is your information. But I'm not even doing this for like some- But hold on. But for what purpose?

To sell you more similar items? Yeah, they sell you more. They can target you. They can, you know, they'll have your, they can sell that information to places. That's what's terrible. They go like, this person buys these things. Ugh. Yeah, I don't want them knowing.

I just bought a jacket too. It's sacks. And they were like, when I was in Judah Titties. And they're like, can we have your name in your number? I go, no, no. The more expensive you buy, the crazier they go that you take your R for not giving them information. I know.

They think you're the asshole. And I'm like, I just, here's my fucking money. Let me go. Exactly. I don't want you to know that I like this brand or whatever. To be in here. I know. It's almost turning me off to shopping at these places because then I don't want to give you

my fucking information. The best is at this place, this guy. I'm like, yeah, I don't want to give you anything. And he was like, okay. And I bought a nice pen. And I was like, do you sell refills? And he was like, no. I go, you sell this nice of a pen.

You just have to buy up the pen. And you don't sell refills? Oh my God. And he was like, no, he goes, let me, hold on a second. And he goes, yeah, you can get them at their website. I go, I can get a refill from the pen place. And he's like, yeah, I go, for real? And he's like, yeah.

I go, all right. And then this lady walks out from the back. She goes, oh, are you getting that pen? I go, yeah, she goes, yeah, I got it for my husband. It's so great. I go, yeah, she goes, and if you ever need refills, just let us know. We'll get your refills. God damn it.

Oh, man. God damn it. Yeah, I don't know. I don't like them knowing everything about me either. You know, we should do it. I hate it. It's just shop with cash. Literally just bring in cash.

That's becoming less and less an option. I know. They say we're going to have a cashless system. It's so clear now. You know where it's more clear is in the bigger city you go to. Like when you're in major cities, you go anywhere. And they're like, no, no, no, no cash. They'll be like no cash at like coffee shops.

I know. Places that are small transactions. No, no cash. I think it started to get more popular with COVID so that the touch lists, blah, blah, blah. Okay, you're not going to get COVID from touching the dollar. I think it should be illegal to not allow a cash transaction. Well, here's a stupid question. What?

You're going to like this. Okay. This is so stupid. It's such a stupid thought. Annie, back me up. It's a stupid thought. Come on, you're my stupid thought, brother. Oh, cool.

And Nizaw, you guys are usually joined me in my stupid thoughts. Okay. Okay, just a question. It's an economics question. We print a certain amount of cash in relation to the amount available. And if we print more than is available, we create inflation, correct? Right. More than is available?

Meaning more than like against the debt that we have. Like, can't you fuck up the economy by over printing? Yeah, but they take money out of circulation, too. Oh, man. So, hold on. So, if we don't have an actual physical means, because it doesn't cash, cash theoretically represents a theoretical gold standard. In theory, there's a room full of gold, and cash is a physical representation of gold.

The actual physical commodity that is somewhere deep in a vault, right? Okay. If we take away the physical cash representation of gold, how does that, how do we control the amount of currency around? Right? Like, so if we take it, if we make society cash less, how do we control the amount of currency? It's a good question.

I don't think it's a stupid question. It's an infinite amount of currency. Whereas like in crypto or in whatever NFTs, that's a controlled amount of currency. So, like, how would we become, would we just invent a new digital currency? I don't know. That's not infinite? Because it would all be digital, and then it's just numbers, right? There's no physical representation.

Right. So, then isn't that infinite? And how do we know that can't be hacked or fucked with? It certainly sounds like it can be. Right? Because they swear that cryptocurrency can't be hacked because it's communally community-based or some shit like that. And I'm like, I don't fucking buy that.

Or that no one knows the code. The guys that invented the code of it or whatever have made it such that the code can't be hacked or is forever changing. Does that make sense? Any of you heard of this? I think from what I understand that it's that the code is consistently being changed. Right. By its users and by the people.

Right. So, therefore, it cannot be hacked. But that's fucking bull. That can't be, right? There's always a way around. There's always a way to say that. Yeah. People can't fake money.

People can fuck with crypto anyway. Okay, so that wasn't a stupid question. I don't think it's a stupid question. Well, that's exciting. Today was the first fucking smart thing I've said today. Do I get a cookie? Thank you. Thank you, guys.

It is worth exploring. Once a day, I get one good thought. I'm like, I'm exhausted. I'm fucking exhausted from that. You're right. The cash flow, the actual physical currency, represents what the economy has produced and is exchanging hands. Here's the value of this.

So, if you take it all away and you go, that's how much is out there. It feels like you're going to be much more manipulated. Correct. And how do we regulate currencies and a GDP or whatever? I don't find that. I don't know. I don't like cash going away, though. I don't think it's an inherently...

Since society has existed, there's been an exchange of physical goods for physical goods. Most importantly, how are you going to play blackjack? You're the blackjack champion right now. Aren't you winning? What did you gamble the other day? Like $50,000 you lost, I think. Had a good run and then a cold run.

A fucking dealer. Fat bitch. What happened? How much did you lose? I don't want to talk about it. But it was a fun run while it was going up. And then I didn't sleep that night. You didn't sleep that night?

No. Because you were losing? It was just so depressing and I kept thinking about the kids' colleges and stuff. You didn't tap into their college funds, did you? I had the casino send my check to the table. Yeah. Learned my lesson, though. Did you?

Yeah. From now on, you send half the check to the table. Okay. You know what I'm going to do? Agent Jeans, if you're watching, if you're listening, no more letting Tom take the check. The money gets wired straight to the agency. Babe, really, how much did you lose? I don't know.

What is it anyway? It's all fake money. Is it crypto? Yeah. What's going on with this currency anyway, you know? That's true. It's all going away anyway. What is it?

It's all a game. There's no two dollar bills anymore. I can't believe you're losing your kid's college money. This fucking cunt. She... I almost reached across the table, wiped her stupid smile off her face. Oh, boy. I almost gave her the fucking casino.

Hit me again, you fuck. Karen. Oh, we're watching Goodfellas. Yeah, no, but in Casino. Pesci goes, hit me again, you fucking prick. My guy's like, yeah, keep looking at him, you fucking, fucking fat prick. Take this card and shove it up your sister's ass. I feel like that character is your soul character.

Like, why don't you love to play that? That's so fucking neat. Yeah. Take this card and shove it up your mother's ass. It's so fucking funny. Oh, yeah. He's like, I'mma see you tomorrow. He's fucking trying to be fat, so...

He's like, and I don't give a fuck about jail, because I'm stupid. I'm fucking stupid. Yeah. Yeah, it's so funny. Right when you're getting out of the hospital, how are we getting out of jail? And guess what? I'll do it again, because I'm fucking stupid. That's my business.

Yeah. That was so great. Sam? Never mind, Sam. You know what I realized, by the way? Is that Goodfellas? It's written... Is it...

Whose point of view is it? It's Karen's, right? No, there's different voiceovers through it. I mean, it's mostly it's Ray Liotis. Like, it's his story. He's Henry Hill. Right, and then it's Karen, too. Well, you get her perspective at times, but it's Henry's story.

Yeah. And then you get Karen, and at times you get Jimmy Conway, you get De Niro, and at times even Pesci, but it's mostly it's Liotis' story. I think you mean Pesci. Yeah, Joe Pesci speaks up De Niro, but mostly Ray Liotis, who's playing Henry Hill, he's the driving voice of the story, yeah. Yeah, what a good... They don't make him like this no more.

Because I'm fucking stupid. Oh, look at Ray Liotis. Ugh, great face. Right? You believe he died? No, I didn't know he died. Yeah, he died. I forgot about that.

Chantix. You remember that? I'm fakely, what's that? That's that gum that's stopped smoking. Chantix. Did he do an ad for Chantix? Yeah, and then you didn't see Kyle Dunnigan's thing? It's the best thing I've ever seen.

Do Kyle Dunnigan... Chantix. Kyle Dunnigan, Chantix. Kyle Dunnigan, he does all these great face app things, and he does Ray Liotis flips out shooting Chantix. He does... He started from the beginning. It's...

He's like, supposed to be... So Ray Liotis, you know, really did a Chantix ad. And then Kyle Dunnigan does the face app and is doing his impression of Ray Liotis on the Chantix ad. I tried everything to quit smoking. Cocaine, everything, nothing worked. Then I tried fucking Chantix. What's Chantix?

It's the drug you take to stain smoking. Stop smoking? Why would you want to do that? Hey, I'm Ray and I quit fucking smoking with fucking Chantix. So try Chantix. Ray Ray, Ray Ray, Ray Ray, you can't swear. I'm Ray and I stopped smoking with fucking Chantix, you should fucking get Chantix. I'm just talking to myself, it's weird, you know.

If I got a scene I'm doing, I'll beat you in the fucking head if you don't try fucking Chantix, Karen. That's how you sell a product. You're not smoking? Yeah, one of the greatest actors of all time, I can pretend I'm not fucking smoking. And then later you can CGI the cigarette out. What are we shooting? I love it. There's a longer version, he does so many good ones.

Done again, he does all these incredible face app impersonations. He does the Kardashians, he does Trump, he does Biden, he does everybody so fucking funny. Fucking Chantix. Quit smoking, fucking smoking with fucking Chantix. CGI it out. Crack your fucking head open if you don't stop smoking, try Chantix. That's how you sell a product. What is stupid name for a product?

Chantix. What's a Chantix? What is Chantix? What is Chantix? Chantix. Stupid word. All the name products are stupid. Why do they call them stupid shit?

It's just be like smoking be gone. Smoking be gone. Stop it dummy. Stop it. Smoking bad. Smoky stops. Stoppy smokes. Siggy stops.

But not Chantix. Because Chantix doesn't relate to what it is. What about Camel? Doesn't relate to what it is, why do they call it Turkish blend? Because it's a Turkish blend they say. Right on the line though. The line? Camels.

Camels, plural. Wait, why do they call a cigarette Camel? If it's a Turkish blend, is it just like racially insensitive? Probably. Yeah, Camel. It's from a while ago. Let's look at Camel, why do they call it that? Uh oh.

I know why, but I don't want to say it out loud. Uh oh. It's bad. You think so? Yeah, it's bad. Okay, can you read it? Me? Yeah, so somebody's speaking.

Prior cigarette smokers had rolled their own, which tended to obscure the potential for a national market for a pre-packaged product. Reynolds worked to develop a more appealing flavor, creating the Camel cigarette, which he's so named because it used Turkish tobacco in imitation of then fashionable Egyptian cigarettes. Okay, that's a better thought than I had.

What was your thought? Just go down to what is the name of the Camel. It's Joe Camel, everybody knows that. Okay. I don't want to say it out loud. Say it, I don't know what you're going at. No, it's real bad, I'll tell you later. I don't want us to hear it.

I thought maybe, okay, just listen to my logic before you hate me, you're going to hate me. Okay. If it's a Turkish cigarette, I thought maybe it was invented back in the olden times when people were way less racially sensitive. What's another word for someone who's a desert dweller? In that region, a camel?

Fuck her? Got it. Oh, jockey? A camel jockey? I thought maybe they'd be like, hey, there's fucking camel jockeys out here smoking their camels. That's what I thought maybe it came from. That's not that crazy.

Well, it's not a nice thing to call a Middle Easterner. No, I know, but I mean, it's not, yeah, it's not, I mean, fucking Bert's got Hitler's teacup. That's true, that's true. You don't have to believe camel jockey. Wow, I can just say camel jockey. You see, they found that photo of Hitler with the teacup. They did?

Yeah. You're kidding. Yeah, it's on my Instagram. That's amazing. Yeah. What a nice present for you to get. Well, I wanted to get him something special. It's his 50th, you know.

Sure, yeah. That's a big birthday. Look, look at that. Oh my gosh, you found it. Click it. Yeah, that's where it is. Same teacup. There it is.

Wow, really nice, Tom. Good work. Yep. Really good work. Just two guys. How much did you pay for that again? I paid too. A million?

No. Oh, just thousands. No, but I mean. Yeah. Two guys connected forever by a cup. Two guys, one cup. Yeah. I talked to him, by the way.

He said he was going to destroy it. He's been drinking his coffee out of it every morning. His favorite cup. He said he's got like new ideas he's never had. Yeah, I bet, I bet, I bet. He's pretty happy. Cool times. Some people told me they were.

I got a few like, I don't find the humor in this at all. What? You buying Nazi memorabilia for your best friend? What's so funny about that? It's nice. Someone's got to own it. Yeah. I mean, what are you supposed to do?

Better birth than someone else. Than like a real dickhead. Yeah. Is he keeping it in like a shrine, like a nice area? When the kitchen, here's Hitler's cup with every other Dunluck. I think it's mixed in. I think that way some people have it randomly. You know.

What is the way to keep the. Guests come over and they're like, I'm sure I'll have a cup. Then he's like, I'll tell you something when you're done with that. Yeah. Well, that's good. That was good. You ready? Did it taste better than Hitler's cup?

I did get a few people that got hit me up. Some of my Jay friends hit me up and they're like, oof. They're like, that was an interesting choice. Well, it is, you know, it's a piece of history. That's what I was saying. I mean, I don't know if you know, he's obsessed with history. Obsessed. I'm super.

I'm obsessed with history. Oh, yeah? Yeah. He's like, he's like, history is like my thing. What are you going to get him? Are you going to buy him other furor memorabilia? I don't know. We'll see how this year goes.

Hitler's bed would be kind of cool. Bed? Do they still have it? I don't know. I don't know what's out. I mean, there's got to be some stuff floating around. Like more intimate. Hitler paintings.

Well, that would be really cool. That'd be super cool. David and your house are like in this. This is the furor. Funny thing about this one. Yeah. I don't know if there are there. Where does the money go?

Let's ask that question. Who gets the money? The Hitler. Oh, let's see. Hitler's paintings for sale. Oh, here we go. There's a website. You can buy Hitler's paintings.

Cool. You could. Oh, two to five grand. Yeah. That's fine. That's doable. You know, I would do if I was going to do it for Bert. I would buy all of them.

And then just have the room ready. Like just set it up. Lighting. Yeah. Yeah. And just be like, I had a harder designer to design this room for you to work in. And then have like, I get a nice desk and be like, oh, this is like a new workstation. I have a better idea.

And not tell them. Like it's just stuff from different places. Here we do. When Bert's out of town. When Bert's out of town. We get with Leanne and we redo his man cave like that. All Hitler stuff. All.

But we don't tell him. Like you said, like this desk is made out of teeth, human teeth. Jesus Christ. What? Yeah. This painting and that lamp. That lamp is special. Very special.

Yeah. That'd be cool. Yeah. And then the next year you go, guess where you've been for a year. He's like, what? You're like, this whole room is actually a shrine. Sort of. Well, that'd be great.

You know, those, those corny like makeover house shows. Yeah. What if they just had a makeover house show and they do your house horrible like that? Yeah. Like this is Saddam Hussein's rug. Yeah. Well, you said you were on a budget. We were able to get this rug for $200.

Ben Laden's bed. Yeah. All five of his wives were murdered. Come stains on it. Ben Laden's bed. You're like, thank you. I'd like to see Ben Laden's porn stash because, you know, they found porn. So funny that he's jerking off in that room.

He's like 63 years old. Can you imagine if he was into some like really cool porn? It wasn't just boy girl stuff. He had his cakes. Hey, what's that six, six guy jerking off to in over there? Yeah. What was his porn? I would just love the idea of making over people's houses with the most awful shit.

And you get Ben Laden's porn stash. CIA chief says U.S. won't release Ben Laden's porn stash. Oh, God. What? Because it'll make that porn go wild. And you know that porn person's like, please, please. Do you want to come to what Osama came to? Oh, God.

You know, I do have a one really high level CIA connection. Oh, you do? Yeah. You've met him. I have met him. I know you're talking about. But there's no way they would say. If I was like, hey, I got a request.

Well, you just, you think he wouldn't want to research that for you? Go ahead and go get into the vaults and find out what Osama Ben Laden was jerking off to. I think he would be like, Tom. No, I'm not. Well, tell you what, we have a lot of high level people that listen to your mom's house, people in the Pentagon, people in the know. There's somebody in the CIA that's listening for sure. Right now.

Or the spouse of a CIA person. Right now. Guys, let us know what's it been Laden jerk off to. We need to know. Somebody's got to fucking do this. This is really important. Imagine having a house. Imagine if it was all like.

And it's all awful shit like this. No, it's just all water sports. Like he was just a big piss gardener. You don't think it's well. I think it's like, I think it's the opposite of what they had over there. Right. So you know it's not Harry. No, it's like just like, it's like Pamela Anderson's.

Yeah. Because they don't have any of that stuff over and fucking. Barely legal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they, they fuck little, they, they fuck young, young girls there. Yeah.

It's a nice button on the episode. Here's Kim Jong-un's shower head. I want a house of all awful staff dictators. Just terrible. Kim Jong-un would be a fun guy to share with. Would be crazy town. He would be. Cause I could lean into some stories from him.

I'd be like, dude, when you fucking wax the uncle. Oh my God. Yeah. He's just in there. He's like laughing. He's probably a fan. I'm sure he gets Netflix. He gets everything in his man palace.

Dude, I bet you he's a huge Trump cigarette fan. He does like basketball. I know he likes basketball. He knows everything. Dude, he's probably listening to this shit right now. What up Kim? Whoop. Whoop.

Yeah. He listens to you. He knows you dude. Yeah. You can go over there tomorrow. Yeah. No, I know. I wouldn't let you.

No. South Korea is a delight. Delight. I liked it there. Good food. Yeah. Good soups. Nice people.

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