Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura Episode 52

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

Buckle up! Tina gives Tom and you a lesson in Goth music (good for doing heroin). Tom's birthday was celebrated with great food and an inapporpriate gesture in a restaurant, but Christina has been pushing the etiquette envelope a LOT lately (with her finger). A double-dose of Fill Her Up/Seal Her Shut, we express our wavering love to our listeners, dental update, Mamita audio and more!

Zabba-dabba-doo. Zabba-dabba-doo. Zabba-dabba-doo. Zabba-dabba-doo. Not about scat. Zabba-dabba-dabba-dabba-dabba-dabba-dabba-dabba. This week, this April 19 through 21st, I am going to be in Vancouver, the gem of the Nile. Is that the name of this relationship? That's exactly what they call Vancouver. The gem of the Nile, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, Northern Africa. I've heard of it. I will be there, one of my favorite clubs, the comedy mix, on Burrard Street, bitch. Come on down Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I hope to see you there.

If I don't, next week, I just added the Jukebox comedy club in Peoria, Illinois, and then from there, it goes on and on to the break of dawn in Hartford and Louisville. Go to TomCigarette.com for those dates, but yes, Vancouver this week. Christina. Your mommy, Christina, she will be April 19 through the 22nd at the Improv Comedy Club in Chicago, Illinois, but that's actually Schaumburg, which is, I think, just outside of Chicago. Sounds Polish. Sounds Polish. Oh, I hope so. I was just in Cleveland. There's a lot of Polish there. Yeah.

And then after that, you guys, I'm going to be in Cincinnati May 3 through 6. That's a little bit in the future, but I'm going to plant those seeds. Yeah. I can't wait. OH. IO. Boom. And then, of course, we've been telling you, and we're going to keep telling you, May 23rd.

Why don't you come see us live? We're going to do this show live. All of our lovers that are here that we have the affairs with in Los Angeles, come on out. That's silly. To the John Lovitz Comedy Club on May 23rd. We got the link out there. John Lovitz. $10 tickets. We're going to do an awesome show. We have multiple guests coming in. We'll announce the lineup next month, but it's going to be... That's the ticket. See? That's what he says, right? That's the ticket.

Yeah, something like that. Come make love to us on a public stage. That's going to be fun. It's going to be really fun. So we hope to see you there on May 23rd. And that's that, Jack. You are ready to do this, Jean? I'm ready, Jack. Ghostface Killers. It's a poet from the streets. That's how I like my answers. It is.

And Christina Pajitz and Christina Pajitzky. Welcome to your mom's house. I'm digging it, dude. Yeah, I knew you would. I'm digging it, man. I really am. That's cool, right? All of our mommy listeners know that this show is often dominated by hip-hop. By the streets.

This is the other side of the streets. This is the dark side of the streets. This is when you cross the tracks. Go! Oh, man, this song. We're in Christina's wheelhouse, huh? No, this is it, you guys. I'm so excited. I like it, man. I really do.

Do you really? I really do. I tell you straight up, I don't like shit. This is the dark side of the streets. This is the dark side of the streets. This is the dark side of the streets. I really do. I tell you straight up, I don't like shit. This is the dark underbelly. This is a jam.

Can I tell you the goth kids? Secretly, we had a lot of fun. Like, goth kids look all gloom and noon, but this jam came on. And we would take a lot of crystal meth and just shadow dance until the break of dawn, y'all. I can totally... Really? I'm so excited. This is flavor. This has got flavor.

Well, yeah, this is one of their more fun songs. This is Tones on Tail. Yeah, you gotta tell people. What are we listening to? Well, I figure we should do a little goth around the world. I'm down. This is like goth 101, okay? I'm totally down. So, for people who don't know this, I was gothic for, like,

just too many years. We should post some of those pictures. I know. People need to see what you look like. Blue hair. Oh, I had blue, black, red, orange mohawk. I was goth and then punk, but the goth year is where the dark is. So, here's how it starts, okay? This is the...

This I would get high too. It's totally... Yeah. And you party. And you wear your cape and you just... You get depressed and then you dance. I'd like to be... Here's what I like to do.

I like to go to either some type of, like, bar or a home where they have a nice lighting arrangement. It's not too bright. Yeah, yeah. It's not too dark. That's key. Kind of mix. I definitely have either a lot of liquids,

something maybe in my arm, a needle in my arm, smoking something. And there's people I know. People are like, what's up, man? I'm walking in like, yep, you know what's up? Yes. You know? Oh, the car's out front.

I'm not worried about it. You know what I mean? Like, let's fucking do this tonight. Well, I'll tell you that the goth scene, at least when I was in it, was very competitive. Like, you spent all week getting your goth outfit together. Yeah. Is this...

I think this is too loud to talk about. It's not too loud for me. I'm like hearing it. Okay, so... I would plan my goth outfits for Friday night all week long. Would you really? Oh, my God. And this is...

So, it's basically a form of nerddom. Super gay. And then... So, now like that, like... Like, we didn't have Hot Topic back then. So, I would go down to Melrose Avenue. When I lived in the San Fernando Valley, I would get on a bus when I was like 14 years old or 15.

Go to Melrose, go to some shitty vintage store, and find like these old-timey Victorian velvet dresses. Like, to the floor, goth velvet. And then cut them short. And then I would take... Cut the arms off. And then cut the crotch out of fishnet stockings. Yeah.

And then put them on my arms. Yeah, okay. And you cut finger holes. So, like, Susie and the Banshees. Yeah. And then that's how you do it. I love them, by the way. You like Susie?

You do not. What are you talking about? For real? I stole the CD from you. That's right. Oh, yeah. Man, that was an old one, too. Yeah.

Okay. Okay, so let's start here. This is goth 101. By the way, this video is amazing. It is not. Tones on tail. I've never seen that. You've never seen this video?

This is not a real video. They didn't make videos back then. Yeah, it is. Hold on. This is by them. I'm fucking excited. Dude, it's so dope. Oh, yeah.

It's like... It's all spanking. The whole video is just spanking. So stupid. This is great. Okay, so here's how goth is goth 101. You always discredit when I say that I like some shit. Because I don't believe it.

Because you like aggressive... Motherfucker, I took your CD. I know, but I can't believe it. Because I think this music is so, like, nerdy and specific. I just don't know that many people like this shit growing up. It was me and my five nerdy goth friends. And my boyfriend that wore a skirt. And, like, my step sister.

And that's it. These are the only people that like this shit. So, okay, okay. So that was Tones on Tail. That song is called Go. And that's like... That was, like, an anthem, a jam back in my day. So, before Tones on Tail came a band called Bow House.

And Bow House was Peter Murphy, David J., Kevin Haskins, Daniel Ash. And their biggest jam was called Bella Legosi's Dead. And, like, everybody knows that one. And it's very... And Bella Legosi was, like, a Hungarian actor, actually. Yeah. There it is. Oh, so many nights in my room.

And you can hear the crackle of the vinyl. I had this on vinyl, too. Oh, my God. This brings back, like, a young Christina Piszczicki. Where are you? Ninth grade. I'm in my room. Listen to this?

Oh, on a loop. Listening to this. Did you have a record player in the room? Absolutely. And I had this on a huge... What were they called? Like, a 12-inch. Mm-hmm.

Oh, I love this. And the B side of this just crushed me. So I would like candles. Really? Oh. And I had a skull that I bought from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. Yeah. And it glowed in the dark.

Wait, that was out in ninth grade? Yeah. This came out in, like, 1980. No, I'm saying Pirates of the Caribbean. Yeah. Yeah, it's been there forever. How long have Pirates of the Caribbean been on? Not the movie, the ride.

Oh, the ride. Okay, that's what I'm saying. I was, like, really talking about it. No, no, no. But you could buy skulls and shit at the gift shop. This is some dark shit. And I would buy... This is the best.

This is dark. This is what you do heroin to. Yeah. I gotta get into that, dude. I've avoided that for so long. You gotta try heroin. I want to try it. You gotta try it.

I tried it once. I smoked it accidentally. That was a mistake. Oh. Yeah. When I was gone. I could see going to a dark, dark place. Listen to this stuff.

That's so good. You know what I mean? Especially if you want to throw in the towel. Yeah. Just throw this on. Well, this song is also, like, 20 minutes long. Like, there's versions of this that just go on for days. Yeah, it's so good.

All right. Uh-oh. Here it comes, right? I love it. I remember every fucking second of this. I want to make a runaway girl and just tell her that it's not going to be okay. So anyways, this band, Bow House, this is one of their big jams, okay? Yeah.

This is cool. I like this kind of shit, man. It's chill, right? Yeah. You have to hear his voice though. But I fucking tell you that I like it. You don't like it. I'm not going to tell you I like it.

You know, you like more... I tell you when I don't like shit. That's what I'm trying to tell you. That's true. I would be like, I think this song sucks. But can I tell you why I don't think you really like it, honestly? No, no, no. You're not...

I'm being serious. Real talk. What? Because I'm embarrassed that I like this. Like, I'm embarrassed. You shouldn't be. I totally like it. But I...

Because I think it's lame. Therefore, I don't think anybody else can really like it. Why do you think it's lame? It's... I like this. It's cool. Because this is embarrassing. But what's embarrassing about it?

It's so... It's so... Because I still like it secretly. There's no reason to secretly like it. It's cool. I like it. I could get up and shout a dance to this right now, man. It's great.

I'm going to put on my fucking witch boots and my cape right now. This is great, man. Ugh. It's getting me fired up. So this is... These are like... This is like the OG's shit. This is...

This is pretty much the national anthem for Goth kids. Right here, really? It should be. I consider it. Okay. But listen, you have to hear... Oh, his voice doesn't kick in yet. But anyway, Peter Murphy is a singer.

He's into drugs, right? He's heavy into drugs. Yeah. And his voice actually sounds a lot like Neil Diamond. Really? What? Here he is. Oh, yeah.

You're seeing him in concert? Yes, several times. What are their concerts like? Cool, fun. Yeah, drugs. Of course. Yeah. The bats have left the pelter.

The victims have been bled red velvet lines. The black box. I cut the music out so we could all... I love it. I'm an OG Goth for life. It's a jam, dude. What are you talking about? Okay, so then...

So then... Zabba-dabba-doo. Zabba-dabba-doo. Zabba-dabba-doo. Zabba-dabba-doo. Zabba-dabba-doo. It's not about scat. Zabba-dabba-dabba-dabba-dabba-dabba-dabba-dabba-dabba-dabba.

This week, this April 19th through 21st, I am going to be in Vancouver. The Gem of the Nile. Is that the name? That's what they say? That's exactly what they call Vancouver. The Gem of the Nile, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, Northern Africa. I've heard of it. I will be there.

One of my favorite clubs, the comedy mix on Burrard Street, bitch. Come on down Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I hope to see you there. If I don't, next week, I just added the Jukebox Comedy Club in Peoria, Illinois, and then from there, it goes on and on to the break of dawn. And on and on. I mean, Hartford and Louisville. Go to tomcigarette.com for those dates.

But yes, Vancouver this week. Christina. Your mommy, Christina, she will be April 19th through the 22nd at the Improv Comedy Club in Chicago, Illinois, but that's actually Schomburg, which is, I think, just outside of Chicago. Sounds Polish. Sounds Polish. Oh, I hope so.

I was just in Cleveland. There's a lot of Polish there. Yeah. And then after that, you guys, I'm going to be in Cincinnati, May 3 through 6. That's a little bit in the future, but I'm going to plant those seeds. Yeah. I can't wait. OH.

IO. Boom. And then, of course, we've been telling you, and we're going to keep telling you, May 23rd. Why don't you come see us live? We're going to do this show live. All of our lovers that are here that we have the affairs with in Los Angeles. Come on out to the John Lovett's Comedy Club on May 23rd.

We got the link out there. John Lovett's. $10 tickets. We're going to do an awesome show. We have multiple guests coming in. We'll announce the lineup next month, but it's going to be... That's the ticket. See?

That's what he says, right? That's the ticket. Yeah, something like that. Come make love to us on a public stage. That's going to be fun. It's going to be really fun. I hope to see you there on May 23rd. And that's that, Jack.

You are ready to do this, Jeans? I'm ready, Jack. Ba-dap-dap-dap. Ghostface Killers is a poet from the streets. That's how I like my answers. Edith. This shit is big time. Who is Ram?

Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to your mom. Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura and Christina Pajitz Mueller. Christina Pajitz Mueller.

Christina Pajitz Mueller. Christina Pajitz Mueller. Christina Pajitz Mueller. Welcome to your mom's house. I'm digging it, dude. Yeah, I knew you would. I'm digging it, man. I really am.

It's cool, right? All of our mommy listeners know that this show is often dominated by hip hop. By the streets. This is the other side of the streets. This is the dark side of the streets. This is when you cross the tracks. Go! Oh, man.

This song. We're in Christina's wheelhouse. Go! This is it, you guys. I'm so excited. I like it, man. I really do. Do you really?

I really do. I tell you straight up, I don't like shit. This is the dark underbelly. This is a jam. What can I tell you? The goth kids, secretly, we had a lot of fun. Goth kids look all gloom and noon, but this jam came on, and we would take a lot of crystal meth and just shadow dance until the break of dawn, y'all.

I can totally. This is. Really? I'm so excited. This is flavor. This has got flavor. Well, yeah. This is one of their more fun songs.

This is Tones on a Tail. Yeah, you gotta tell people. What are we listening to? So, well, I figure we should do a little goth around. Goth around the world. I'm down. This is like goth 101. Okay.

I'm totally down. So, for people who don't know this, I was gothic for like just too many years. Two. We should post some of those pictures. I know. People need to see what you look like. Blue hair. Oh, I had blue, black, red, orange mohawk.

I was goth and then punk, but the goth years were the darkest, so here's how it starts, okay? This is the. This I would get high, too. Oh, you totally, and you're hearty, and you wear your cape, and you just, you get depressed and then you dance. I'd like to be, here's what I like to do. I like to go to either some type of like bar or a home where they have a nice lighting

arrangement. It's not too bright. Yeah, yeah. It's not too dark. That's key. Kind of mix. I definitely have either a lot of liquids, something maybe in my arm, a needle in my arm, smoking something, and there's people I know.

People are like, what's up, man? I'm walking in like, yup, you know what's up? Yes. You know? Oh, the car's out front. I'm worried about it. I'm gonna do this tonight. Well, I'll tell you that the goth scene, at least when I was in it, was very competitive.

Like you spent all week getting your goth outfit together. Yeah. Is this, I think this is too loud to talk about. It's not too loud for me. I'm like hearing it. Okay, so, but I would plan my goth outfits for Friday night all week long. Would you really? Oh my God.

And this is. So it's basically a form of nerddom to be it. It's super gay. And then, so not like that, like, like we didn't have Hot Topic back then, so I would go down to Melrose Avenue. When I lived in the San Fernando Valley, I would get on a bus when I was like 14 years old or 15. Yeah.

Go to Melrose, go to some shitty vintage store, and find like these old-timey Victorian velvet dresses. Yeah. Like to the floor, goth velvet, and then cut them short. And then I would take, cut the arms off, and then cut the crotch out of fishnet stockings. Yeah. And then put them on my arms. Yeah, okay.

And you have finger holes. So like Suzie and the Banshees. Yeah. And then that's how you do. You like Suzie? Yeah. You do not. What are you talking about?

For real? I stole the CD from you. That's right. Oh, yeah. Man, that was an old one, too. Yeah. Okay. Okay, so let's start here.

This is Goth 101. By the way, this video is amazing. It is not. Tones on tail. I've never seen that. You've never seen this video? This is not a real video. They didn't make videos back then today.

This is a video made for the... Yeah, dude. I mean, look, hold on. I'm fucking excited. Dude, it's so dope. Oh, yeah. It's like... It's all spanking.

The whole video is just spanking. Dude. This is great. Okay. So here's how Goth... You always discredit when I say that I like some stuff. Because I don't believe it. Because you like aggressive...

Motherfucker, I took your CD. I know, but I can't believe it. Because I think this music is so nerdy and specific. I just don't know that many people like this shit growing up. It was me and my five nerdy Goth friends and my boyfriend that wore a skirt and like my stepsister. And that's it. These are the only people that like this shit.

So okay, okay. So that was Tones on Tail. It's called Go. And that's like... That was like an anthem, a jam back in my day. So before Tones on Tail came a band called Bow House. And Bow House was Peter Murphy, David J, Kevin Haskins, Daniel Ash. And their biggest jam was called Bella Legosi's Dead.

And like everybody knows that one. And it's very... And Bella Legosi was like a Hungarian actor, actually. There it is. Oh, so many nights in my room. And you can hear the crackle of the vinyl. I had this on vinyl too. Oh my God.

This brings back like a young Christina Pijitzki. Where are you? Ninth grade. I'm in my room. Listen to this? Oh, on a loop. Listening to this. Did you have a record player in the room?

Absolutely. And I had this on a huge... What were they? Like a 12 inch? Mm-hmm. Oh, I love this. And the B side of this just crushed me. So I would like candles.

Really? Oh. And I had a skull that I bought from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. Yeah. And it glowed in the dark. That was out in your ninth grade? Yeah. This came out in like 1980.

No, I'm saying Pirates of the Caribbean. Yeah. Yeah, it's been there forever. How long in Pirates of the Caribbean? Not the movie. The ride. Oh, the ride. Okay, that's what I'm saying.

I was like, dude, we talking about... No, no, no. But you could buy skulls and shit at the gift shop. This is some dark shit. And I would buy... Oh, this is the best. This is dark. This is what you do heroin too.

Yeah. I gotta get into that, dude. I've avoided that for so long. You gotta try heroin. I wanna try it. You gotta try it. I tried it once. I smoked it accidentally.

That was a mistake. Oh. Yeah. When I was gone. I could see going to a dark, dark place. Listen to this stuff. That's so bad. You know what I mean?

Especially if you wanna throw in the towel. Yeah. Just throw this on. Well, this song is also like 20 minutes long. Like there's versions of this that just go on for days. Oh, it's great. Yeah, it's so good. Uh-oh.

Here it comes, right? I love it. I remember every fucking second. I wanna make a runaway girl and just tell her that it's not gonna be okay. So anyways, this Banbao house, this is one of their big jams, okay? Yeah. This is cool. Yeah, I like this kind of shit, man.

It's chill, right? Yeah. You have to hear his voice, though. But I fucking tell you that I like it. You don't like it. I'm not gonna tell you I like it. Well, you know, you like more. But I tell you when I don't like shit.

That's what I'm trying to tell you. That's true. I would be like, I think this song sucks. But can I tell you why I don't think you really like it, honestly? No, no, no. No, you're not. I'm being serious. Real talk.

What? I'm embarrassed that I like this. Like, I'm embarrassed. You shouldn't be. I totally like it. Because I think it's lame. Therefore, I don't think anybody else can really like it. Why do you think it's lame?

I like this. It's cool. Because it's embarrassing. But what's embarrassing about it? It's so, it's so, like, to me, it's so childish. You don't have a perspective on it anymore. Because I still like it secretly. There's no reason to secretly like it.

It's cool. I like it. I could get up and shadow dance to this right now, man. It's great. I'm gonna put on my fucking witch boots and my cape right now. This is great, man. It's getting me fired up. So this is, these are like, this is like the OGs shit.

This is, this is pretty much the national anthem for God kids. Right here, really? It should be. I consider it. Okay. But listen, you have to hear it. Oh, it's, his voice doesn't kick in yet. But anyway, Peter Murphy is a singer.

He's into drugs, right? He's heavy into drugs. Yeah. And his, his voice actually sounds a lot like Neil Diamond. Really? Wait. Here he is. Oh yeah.

You're receiving a concert? Yeah. Several times. What are their concerts like? Cool. Fun. Yeah. Drugs.

Of course. Yeah. The bats have left the teller. The victims have been bled red velvet lines. The black box. I cut the music out. I love it. I love it.

Please. I'm an OG God for life. Damn, dude. What are you talking about? Okay. So then, so then, I want to play this other song for you. Okay. It's called Kicking the Eye and it's a bow house.

So this one's more like a party classic. Like Bella Ghost is dead is when you get your shadow dance on, maybe you're really focused and you're depressed. And then there's party goth, which is when you get high with your friends. And that'd be Kicking the Eye. And you do crystal math. And yeah. And then you go to club and then here we go.

Uh oh. Okay. This is fun. Okay. It's a little more peppier. Sure. Peppy goth. Hot topic goth.

I can see white girls liking this shirt. Oh. This is a white girl's jam. Yeah. I would play this to pick up a car full of white girls. What's up girls? Jump in the back of my car. So there you go.

It's more fun. How's everyone's old life? This is real 80s, right? Real 80s. This is the 80s feel to it. I love it. Yeah. I love Peter Murphy.

So this leads singer Peter Murphy. Yeah. There's a ton of heroin. Of course. I respect it, man. I like my rock people, my musicians to get fucked up. Fucked up. Me too.

Me too. Get fucked up. And that's my biggest problem. That's why you're good. Yeah. That's my biggest problem with today's musicians is where's the heroin? Where's the problems? Get into it.

Where, you know, David Bowie. Get, commit to it. Wacked out. I want to see a picture of you in a gutter. You do. Vomit. Yeah. I want to see like Iggy Pop dog nipple.

That's what I want. Like a fucking dirty rib cage. I don't want you fucking sober. Nah. I don't want to drink. Big deal. So Peter Murphy goes into rehab and then they form Tones on Tail, the guys that are left a couple of the guys, which we heard at the beginning.

So wait. The guys from this? Yeah. Yeah. So the lead singer? Yeah. Actually two guys. So Peter gets all fucked up.

Yeah. And he's in rehab. Yeah. And then these two guys, David J. I think and Kevin Haskins. No, Daniel Ash and David J. They form Tones on Tail. Tones on Tail behind Peter Murphy's back. Oh, he doesn't know that they're in there? No.

And Peter Murphy comes out of rehab and they form this killer new band without him. And he's like, what the fuck, man? And they split up forever. Forever. So Tones on Tail is still out there doing their thing? A few years ago. No. Because then here's the other thing.

So Tones on Tail forms and they have this great song Slender Fungus and it's gother than goth. Like this is it. This is the abyss of goth music. It's my favorite. Slender Fungus. Slender Fungus is goth fucking OG to the 10th power. How weird is this and fun?

This is it. How fun is it? Yeah. It's so weird. Yeah, I'm into it, man. It's so weird. Uh-oh. Yeah.

So these guys get all fucked up on drugs too. This sounds like drugs. They make crazy music. Yeah. It's fantastic. So many drugs involved. It's fun. Why didn't you introduce me to this shit earlier?

Seriously. So weird. I love it. Yeah. Yeah, man. It's like Halloween music, right? It's good. Yeah, it's fun.

But that go jam is the shit. That's the shit. Yeah. This is the weirdest thing ever. That's why Slender Fungus was a disc of shiny conqueries. So embarrassed. Oh my God. Slender Fungus eats in bed before he goes to sleep.

I think we just lost a million listeners. That's fine. So then these guys do drugs, get fucked up, split up because of rehab, and then form Love and Rockets. And then they become Love and Rockets. Are you serious? These same guys all become three of the best bands in golf music. So they take off?

Yeah. And then we get- Kevin Haskins goes to rehab too, comes out of it, and then comes together with the remaining two guys at Bauhaus and they form Love and Rockets. Really? And this is it. This is your final band in golf history. So Tones on Tail is not around?

No. They don't do it anymore. Now they tour as Bauhaus. Again, the guy's made up. Peter Murphy too? Yeah. They're all back together and then they tour like if you, I saw them a few years back. It's not the same though because they're all sober, it sucks.

And this is Love and Rockets. This is a funner, a more fun incarnation. I like it. It's a party jam. And there you go. These are- This is Love and Rockets. I love this one.

Look, if you're a fan of your mom's house, you just got to peek into Christina's mind. This is so sad. You went in through her ear hole. Can I tell you, these are the jams I secretly listen to and nerd out to. This is top secret, Christina. In my car, windows up, secret, secret listening. I don't know why you're embarrassed by this. Because I just think it's so lame that I like this shit.

It's fine, man. But that's it. Gough 101, you guys. Thanks for the lesson, man. Merry Christmas. Thanks for the lesson. And happy birthday. Oh yeah.

Might be in order for somebody. Thank you. Happy Smurf Day, boo boo. Thanks. How old are you? I am- I'm now- 47.

I am now 33. How does it feel? 33 years old. It feels fine, man. I don't feel any different. Really? No. I haven't felt different for years.

But did you feel different when you turned 30? I felt a different perspective where I was like, oh, shit's changing. Not like I feel physically any different, but I just was like, oh, now you're an adult for real. Things count. You know what I mean? It's a reality thing. So depressing. Remember when I turned 30 and we went to New York and I was like, oh, I thought I'd wake

up dead? I'm 30. I was so depressed. I always have the gloom in doom. But you didn't wake up dead. No. No. But I think 35 now I feel my body aging, whereas I didn't really up until-

Do you really? Yeah. Oh yeah. This year, being on the road. Oh. It's my birthday again. Feliz cumpleaños. How's that tea?

Yeah. We're getting ready to celebrate your birthday. It's my birthday. That's yours. Oh, what's all that about? I don't know. How many tacos do you want for your birthday? I want five tacos.

My mom says que porque mi cumpleaños me voy a comer todos los tacos que quiero. You know how cute is your mom sinks you on your birthday? My aunt. Oh, your mom doesn't? Charo doesn't? Charo, I don't know if the charo usually does. Happy birthday? I wonder if we can- oh, let me try something.

Can we try something real quick? Sure. Yeah. All right. Happy birthday to me. Tomisito. I love you. But I love you.

Happy birthday. But yeah, I never felt old until this year. Until I travel a lot and I eat bad food. And it's really taking its toll. It's weird because my body has slowed down a lot. I get way fatter, way easier now, which I didn't get. I get way more tired. And I'm actually more patient than I used to be, which doesn't make sense.

And calmer. But physically, I'm dog shit. And I mean, I could exercise and stuff, but I'm not sure if I want to do that. What are you trying to do over there in Munchkin? I'm going to play this voicemail. Oh, oh, the play of voicemail of your mommy. Oh, I hear it. Yeah.

Oh, cute. That's Charo. No. No, that's your aunt. I told you at the time that we thought you would be awake. But it seems like you're either still sleeping or already went out to continue celebrating. Well, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Tommy.

Well, I don't want to spoil your day by singing. So just wishing you a wonderful, great day. And you know that we are thinking of you and we love you a lot. And Dave is here next to me who wanted to talk to you. This is the best part. Now he's going to miss a chance. Okay. That's my aunt.

That's my Mita's sister. And they called me the day before my birthday to leave that message. So then moments later, I got this message. Tommy, I made up the dates. I make a mistake. I know tomorrow, but I thought that today was the 16th. We had to spend the whole week with Michelle. Okay.

There's a long explanation there. Yeah. So that's my adorable. Oh, shit. She feels bad. My adorable. So your family is like so different than mine in terms of that sweetness. My family is like, I'll be birthday fuck face.

That's fine. What was your birthday? I didn't remember again. You were, you gave me some shit. Why? Well, we were celebrating my birthday at a wonderful restaurant. Yeah. At the Olive Garden.

Exactly. And it was really good. And I accidentally while we were... I don't think this is accidental. And I know where you're going. What did you do? Well, while I was enjoying myself, you know, I accidentally let out some gas, but from the, not from the bottom, like we're used to.

This is from the top. And you didn't, you gave me some, you know, attitude. Babe, babe, why wouldn't I though we were at a nice restaurant. It was a nice place. Yeah, but... And what are you doing? Nothing. What is that?

I'm nothing. I heard something. And you ripped one. Yeah. Yeah. Just like that, like booger from revenge of the nerds. And you ripped one in the middle of the restaurant. Yeah.

And I looked over and there's a nice table of Asian people probably visiting our wonderful town of Los Angeles. Wait, why don't you think they just live here? Because they were like speaking in foreign language. They looked like they were not of Los Angeles. Yeah. Mother Earth. And you ripped one.

And I'm not really gonna, I'm not proud of that. It was a little embarrassing. The food was excellent by the way. Really good. I think that is the pot calling the kettle black. Wait, wait, can I just tell you though, first of all, that when you burp, it's not a normal, like that sound. That is not how you burp.

And don't act like that's, you go like that, like you go, I can't even do it. You go, you go, it's a two-parter. First you go and you fill your mouth up and then you go like that. Or you'll go like that. Yeah. Whoa. And it's just that violent. I hope it scared you.

Yeah. You go. Out loud. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. Yeah.

That's so gross. It's not gross. It's fine. You know, I try to do something nice and take you to a nice place. Yeah. I didn't try to make a show of it. You did. It's just what came up.

But that's hardly a crime compared to what I've seen you doing a ton. What? Which is digging in your nose like a child. You pick your nose nonstop. So? What are you doing? What do you mean? Dude, you go everywhere.

It's in the car, in the living room. Yeah, I know. Out on the street. We had lunch on the sidewalk today and you're sitting there digging through your nose like a fucking four-year-old. Well, I will say honestly that I have been picking obsessively lately. Yeah. What's up with that?

Was it cold a couple of weeks ago? Yeah. No. And like, you know when you get the big chunkers and like then I just kept getting in the habit. What do you do with those chunkers? Flick them on the floor. What does everybody do? Oh my God.

What? Oh, give me a fucking break. What? You who roll them. I watched you roll them. Babe, I'm a guy. No, no, no. You roll them.

I'm a guy. The worst part is I don't care if you do it like outside, but you do it in our home. And then you do it. That's what I'm asking you. You said you flick them on the floor. Buddy, but you do it in my car. What do you do with your? In my car.

What do you do with yours when you find it? You said you flick them on the floor. I mean, I try to wipe it on something of yours, but if that's not available to me, like if there's not a t-shirt of yours. So in our living room, you get one out. You just flick it on the ground. Yeah, kind of. But they disintegrate.

It's like biodegradable. So do you though. I've seen you do it in bed. I've seen you fucking do it in bed, dude. What do you mean? That's disgusting. What do you mean? You'll flick.

You'll roll it. You'll turn it into like a hard thing and then you'll just drop it on our bed. No, I've never done that. On our love nest. I've never done that. No, I didn't. No, everyone knows that you're lying again. Why would I lie about that?

I wouldn't want to lay in it. I'll flick it off the bed and I wouldn't drop it in the bed. I've seen you. No, you haven't. You've never seen me drop it in the bed. I've seen you roll it in my car and then just drop it in my car. That's not our bed. Your car, I don't give a shit about, but the bed, I sleep there.

I don't drop it in bed. You're gross. I'm learning it from you. What about we were, wait, wait, we were finished eating dinner tonight and then we were watching, were we watching the hotel guy show? And then you farted as I was laying near your lap and then the fart wafted in my face. It didn't smell. And it smelled like garbage, like hot, like a bag of hot garbage.

I'm done with your stories. And then I had to lie to match. You don't remember? This is like an hour ago. I live in a world of lies with this woman. Oh my God, really? If anybody wants to pick up a liar. You're going to do me like that?

Uh-oh, you know what time it is. That's our song. That's our new intro song. It's time for a filler upsealer shot. That's right. We, you know, we tried something different a few weeks ago. We tried the male version. That was fun.

A lot of ladies sounded off. Ladies sounded off. We had Johnny Depp versus Benicio del Toro. You being a disgusting animal who flicks her boogers all day. Chose Benicio, the dirt pig. I love him still. I don't care what you say. Our love is real.

It was pretty, I think it was pretty split actually. It was pretty even split. I mean, am I allowed to say or because last time you accused me of being. It was an even split. That was a pretty. What did you call me last time? Gurbals, Himmler, Eichmann. All of them.

For being a propagandist and spending my lives. Did you do? But that was a pretty even split. I'm going to say that I felt it was Benicio del Toro this time. Yeah. By a landslide? No, but I would say that the majority was Benicio. How much of a majority are you talking?

90%, like 95%. Here we go again with the fucking lies. All right. It was pretty much an even split. It was. It was. You just, all you always, all you ever do is just tip whatever you're thinking and you're like, that's what everybody said.

And that's not what happened. All right. So. I'm listening to you. It's your birthday. So I'm not going to, you know, contest this. Well, here's a good way. Here's a good way for people to cast their vote.

Okay. Who they want to fill up or seal shut. Okay. Okay. And have it be logged so that your lies are caught. That's a great idea. Let's do something legit. If you go to facebook.com slash your mom's house podcast.

Okay. You can vote. Oh, like the poll, the poll thing. There's a poll right there. And then we can just go. Hey, Christina. Here we can see that you're a liar. Facebook.com slash your mom's house podcast.

Great. And you like the page and then you can vote. So we have some of the, the, I think John Adams did this. The president. The president of the United States, the former president. I think he put up this one. Okay. Just for people to do for fun, but I really enjoyed it.

And that is who'd you rather fill up or seal shut. Tiffany Amber Thieson. Did I say her name? Oh yeah. From BH nine. Right. Or Alyssa Milano. Old school honeys.

I like that. That is old school honeys. Yeah. These are, these are girls I watched growing up and I wanted to be them. Yeah. Until I turned golf and then I wanted to be Susie Sue. That's a tough one for me. For me, the first one.

It's not tough for me at all. Really? I go, go ahead. I'm going to let you. Well, okay. I'll put it like this. My first crush. One of the first crushes I can remember is Alyssa Milano watching who's the boss.

Be like, who's this beautiful girl? Yeah. With that perfect smile. But actually she was missing a tooth. Was she? Yeah. On the side of her mouth. I noticed that.

Anyways, I just remember I would, you know, just, but I looked at her with like an innocent childlike love, you know, like, you know, oh God, just you stare like she's pretty. Yeah. So it's a different type of feeling with her. With Tiffany, I remember thinking like, how could I decimate her vaginal walls? You know, how could I wreck her ability to have children? Baby. Baby.

Just destroy her uterus and bruise her from the inside out. So I think she would get my vote for a filler up and seal her shut because I would like her to drip with goo. Oh my baby. Baby. Don't encourage this kind of. You realize the kind of tweets we're going to get now that you're saying it like that. I want to see all that woman.

So Tiffany gets my vote. Who would you vote for? Well, I'll say this. Tiffany, I remember her from my favorite show, Beverly Hills 90210. BH. She was the bad girl. And when she showed up, I remember she smoked a marijuana cigarette. Oh.

Her first episode. And I thought, KNS Estaninha, who's that girl? Yes. And I learned it was Chubby, Portley, Porky, Tiffany Amber. Oh, you're talking trash. Yeah. Maybe I am. I honestly, okay, real talk.

I'm not sure she's a, she's a little pudgy for me for. And I, I know I'm not, I'm not a fat, not like I'm skinny. Right. Okay. But I will say that I think Alyssa Milano, I grew up watching her and thinking she was just a goddess. Don't think you need to get mean there. You got mean.

But she's held up. Alyssa Milano. You don't think Tiffany has? I don't know. I haven't seen her in a while. I just think Tiffany didn't, she didn't have style. Okay. I'm speaking, you know, girl on girl style.

Well, look, this is an open forum. You say what you feel. You're right. And you know, anybody can have it. You gotta just say how you feel, buddy. Anybody, you know, let us know how you feel about it. Can we add a second one? Can we do two?

I think we should because you know what we haven't done yet. We haven't done one for black people. We've been kind of racist. No, that's true. All right. Well, let's pick two of the most famous black people in the world. All right. All right.

Let's see. Barack Obama. No. Let's pick girls. Bill Cosby of Barack Obama. Bill Cosby of Barack Obama. Now that's going to be on the list. God damn it.

No. There's no way Bill Cosby. I would definitely choose the cause. The cause with his poody eyes? Yeah. He's got his poody, poody eye. I was in Cleveland and I was watching the cause on TV and I noticed that his eye was wonky and I texted Tommy and I was like, Tommy, what's up with Cosby's eye?

And what did you say back there? So that's his poody eye. That's the eye that he's been looking at poody with off camera. That is poody eye. Yeah. He sees a poody over there. So stupid. They say over here, Cos, and he goes, but the poody's over there.

You know what I mean. Oh, you got to have your poody. So the one that we really wanted to do though, and this is actually interesting because it is an even split of the types of beauty that people are drawn to. It really is. It's like a beautiful people. Sophie's choice here. Right.

And that is Rihanna and Beyonce. Impossible choice. Impossible choice. You don't lose by sealing or filling up one of them. Right. Right. Right. But what are you more into?

I personally. Can I wait? Hold on. Let me think about it. Hold on. Who I think you would seal shut and fill up? I know. Go ahead.

But go ahead. No, I don't know who you're going to be. No, no, but I'm thinking of who you would decide and I want to think about it for a minute. I would seal shut and fill up Beyonce. No. I totally had you pegged as a Rihanna guy. Really? Why?

Because in my mind Rihanna is a little, not trashier, but maybe a little. I don't think she's trash. A little. Do you think Beyonce is trashier? 100%. No way. 100%. She's totally hood.

She does that shit. She's rad. She's so hood. She's from Houston. She talks. She ever see her with her guard down? She's like, that's what's up. Y'all better come round here.

Yeah. She did with Oprah. She'd slip into it. Yeah. She does it all the time. Oh, I love it. I'm getting up for to get that. I see what you're doing.

Yeah. Totally. Rihanna's from Barbados. Gorgeous. She's beautiful. But you're talking about tall, thin beauty like that. Or you're talking about Beyonce's ass you just want to eat fucking gravy out of. It's like, you just want to have a stuffed turkey shoved into her ass and you want to

eat it out of there and just sleep with your face buried in there and then you want to just drop loads all over it to get out. What? Why are you looking at me like that? I really wish our listeners, this is so fucking appalling to hear my husband saying this shit. You're so gross. I mean, it's like. Why don't you pick your notes?

Why don't you pick your notes and make a video? Maybe I will. It feels good. There's like a rough. Can I say that? I picked a rough patch. Oh, man. There's like a patch that's like rough because I've been doing it so much.

Yeah. Take it easy. No, it's like scar. It's scabbed because I've been paying it. Fucking easy. It feels good. I can't stop it. Do you want to tell you who I would pick?

Yeah, of course. I kind of like reread a little bit better. That's fine. You're wrong. That's fine. Because I like her different hairstyles. Yeah. Beyonce just had a baby.

She may not be ready for all that yet. You know what? Here's the other thing. You know? You just made me rethink something. Okay. Rihanna is in the dating guys that beat the shit out of her. Which means that she's into being a real slut because that's what guys who beat the shit

out of chicks do. What? Yeah, they're like fucking like they beat them down and then the girl tries to make up for being what she thinks is a shitty girl. I'm sorry. I'm ready for this again. This is so stupid. It's all your luck.

Your logic is so. It's 100% true. Can I can I count on this? Girls that get beaten like she did are into chugging the cock 24. Why are you saying oh my god? Because I don't know that. I don't know that. You have no idea.

It's 100% true. How do you know that? Because I know guys that treat their women like shit. Why don't? What can I say something on Beyonce's half? What? A, Z, I'm pretty sure has not been monogamous. You remember that whole ring the bell song?

Yeah. That he was banging RiRi. That's the rumor. Word on Boston.com is. You know why he banged Rihanna on the side? No. Because she was doing some filthy shit that Beyonce wouldn't do. That's why.

Oh geez. God. Are you? You know what? When I talk to you about this kind of stuff, it's like talking to a retarded person. It's like you so don't see it and I don't understand how it's possible. Guys never say this stuff to your wife. If you're listening and please don't follow my husband's examples, like I know he's, it's

absurd how he is right now. Please don't listen to him. No woman wants to hear any of that. He's just lucky that I'm a comic and I have a very thick skin. If I was a normal woman with feelings and shit, this would not go down. It would go down. This is terrible. You could never say this to a non-comic female.

You're completely out of your mind right now. Why? You know what? It's your birthday and I'm going to let you be Chris Brown and I'm Rihanna emotionally. Oh yes. Put some more makeup on that left eye. Now wait a minute. Didn't Chris Brown and Rhi Rhi, they got together again?

Are they saying something? They did a song again or some shit. I guess it's publicity. It's good publicity. Sure. They can sell a ton of records. She's dumb. She's in the chug and dump.

I didn't know she's dumb. Because she would go back and do a song with a guy that beats a shit out of her. I'm a gazillion copies. Blunk on shit. So? I mean that. The guy beat the shit out of her. I know.

I know. Who's dumb? Fucking that dumb cunt's dumb. Fuck you Rihanna. You're dumb slut. Fuck yourself. Wow. You're fired up man.

You are fired up. She can eat shit. Oh my god. All right. So here's... If you want that. If you want... Somebody's backed up.

If you want to vote. We want you to vote. We want you to vote. We want you to vote. Yes. Yes. I'm going to do a podcast. Yes on Facebook.

And you can vote there. We'll have little polls and you can click on those. Yeah. Oh by the way you can also I think listen to episodes current episodes. Yeah, they stream there. Yeah. On that page. And see pictures and what people have written and stuff.

It's pretty fun. It's pretty awesome. I would be a fool if I didn't point out. A fool. How thankful I am to our listeners. I know. We're going above and beyond my wildest expectations and buying every last one. Last one.

Last one. You're not very bright. Of our Kingfish shirts. Can you believe it? There. They went crazy. And it is really exciting. On the ocean.

The Kingfish shirt. The Kingfish shirt was here's the fun thing about you shouldn't you need to understand if you listen to this show and or any shows really it's just fun to come up with something like that and be like I wonder if people like this too. You know because I always people always write it to me and stuff and then to throw that out there and you guys responded by saying that you did like it. I sold out. We have to I reordered and here's the thing to everybody that ordered 90% of you will

be receiving have already received it because I already got tweets from people with photos of their shirts and you'll get them the rest of the week. The rest of you I apologize the handful of you that don't get them this week. I reordered we sold out. I reordered I get them again on Tuesday of next week. So as soon as I get back from Vancouver I'll pick them up and I ship them on Wednesday. So everybody will have their shirt that orders between any anyone that's ordered in any orders from now until then we'll go out next Wednesday keep getting the Kingfish shirt it's let's

make it national I want to be so ridiculous I want everyone I want them to say it. I want some show to use that slang appropriately do you know what's great is the design is so ridiculous it's the best design it's the greatest T-shirt so stupid and so much fun can I tell you that we have the best fans though like ever we do you guys are awesome my one's a Cleveland I met some some people that I'm familiar with on Twitter yeah Arby Darsh yeah I think on Twitter this guy showed up with a homemade T-shirt that he made that said wipe down on the front and then on the back filler up sealer shut that's pretty right this kid sat like yeah he tweeted that to me it was it was the best thing and you know

to see that to go to a show to go to Cleveland and see some kid that you're like oh my god that's it's like a piece of home you know what I mean it feels like I'm home with you doing this yeah and and you guys are so cool and I got to meet gerbils son of Joseph and his girlfriend Kate diehards yeah they're awesome so much mad I'm a couple times yeah yeah he said that he's seen you like twice before yeah so anyway we have the best fans thank you thank you we really do appreciate everybody that that you know supports the show you support us at our live shows which it's always like it almost feels like when our live show you know sometimes people don't know us sometimes people have seen us maybe you stand up on television or

you know some type of appearance on something and they're like oh yeah but when they are there because of this show it puts me I know it puts you like in a different level of like you feel relaxed you're like this is happy it's like yeah but like it's like family's there yes because it's like they know you and in a way you know what they're like because if they like you they got to be fucked up the way you are right exactly like whatever you're talking about hopefully you guys are the best there are king fish out there guys we love you very much yes mommy and we appreciate everything that you do for us we did oh I'm so excited for this dental update guys I have the craziest dental update for you and I wish I wrote the name on that email yeah

you want it yeah because I want to say this person it's so motherfucking I can't even say it I know this guy yeah I know him from twitter okay that's rick daikusian sounds Armenian daikusian is that right sorry if i'm fucking right sorry rick yo so he tweeted um us saying that he's gonna have um some gum procedure where they take cadaver skin and put it in his mouth holy shit yeah and I tweeted him and I was like yo what do you mean and he's like apparently the roots of his teeth are exposed in the gum oh my god yes and as opposed to using razor blades to like scratch the surface of his mouth the roof of his mouth and use that skin they use cadaver skin to get to get the skin to cover that

to cover the exposed root holy shit I know that's really really wild isn't that the most awfulest thing you've ever fucking heard now there's a dentist hold on that I met uh in Pittsburgh Nicholas Miller on twitter Nicholas if you're listening is this real because I was flossing this is gotta be real and he answered me the other day Nicholas on twitter because I was like I'm flossing too hard it hurts and he's like just floss up and down because I was eating some beef jerky wait what were you doing well I ate some jerky that got real stuck and so I like was swishing it around the floss to really get it out and I heard you're gum yeah the gum so he said just go up and down he's like just you gotta floss just up and down don't you get oh by the way

we don't have proof that this is what you said though what do you mean could be yours it's not mine how do you know that because I fucking I don't use that much floss nobody no human being how much floss do you you don't even show me what you use maybe a 12 inches what you're supposed to use that's what I use a foot buddy you use like three feet so I'm I'm getting out of the bathroom today and I look on the ground in the hallway and there's like three feet of filthy dental floss sitting in our hall used who else is that that's not me man who did that I don't know who did the flossing fairy the dog all I know is that it could be yours it's not I'm going to post a picture of this on our website yeah sure and a dog could have picked it up

and dropped it in the hallway sure unbelievable could it happen why do you throw it on the ground you pig I don't think I threw it on the ground I think you did my man that means I walked out of the bathroom and just throw it on the ground come on somehow it got there so no that's what you do whatever I can't believe it yo but I want to tell uh rich man dude I want to know how your roots started like what led to is this from neglect that's what I'm curious is this a disease or is this something that just like you know I mean like so is like gingivitis follow up will you send us an email at your mom's podcast at gmail.com and go into detail for us of how this came about your mom's podcast at gmail.com can I tell you that it sounds maybe

partially like a neglect issue and then partially yeah but we just don't know no you don't but you know how like um Bert has that genetic thing where his teeth have no like enamel or whatever like it could be a the horse shape mouth the horse shape mouth he's got a horse shape mouth people have been asking about the b-man we gotta have him in but he's on the road a bunch he's hard to get a hold of yeah we'll have him on of course the great Bert Kreischer of course man I miss you all right um well this has been a good time I think maybe it's time for just change it up a little bit where you say we have some fun around here because we're so serious do you like some fun um I like fun yeah do you like fun hey buddy

it's top dog hey buddy it's top dog hey buddy it's top dog you need to write down it's top dog oh man so here's last week um we uh played some audio of momita and that's my mom talking about top dog we didn't get through it all so what we're going to do is we're going to pick up around where we left off this is going to be a little bit of what was in last week just to give you some uh background about what's going on but we're talking a lot of about top dog uh with momita here and we'll just kind of who knows him best but is what no I mean you everyone's a fan of top dog and I promise I'll get some top dog audio we've been having some

interesting conversations so well I believe you guys have some alone time coming up top dog and I are taking a trip in June oh my god I'm real excited about it you're guys gonna be sharing a room oh yeah and I'm I mean I'm not just I'm not bringing the phone I'm bringing the digital recorder like the high-end zoom and I'm gonna get I'm gonna try to get hours of audio of top dog oh my god so but this is in the meantime let's just get into my meet that talking about well yeah let's see where we are here 40 years of marriage by the way it's hot dog she knows him better than himself uh I I uh but you you called me you said uh that you're on my facebook page and that I wrote hey I want to sit on your table or something yes you did yes you did

I what did I say this was a we played this last week but this will take us into where we are where we're going next okay who did I say that to how can I know I click on the in the page and then you say yeah man I wish I could share in his table I like when your mom uses slang what I mean obviously I closed the page I didn't want to investigate who do you want to share I don't want to shoot on anybody's table I don't think that was me oh that was you it's your page I think you invite you know what you should do you should invite that to one of your shows yeah and to do a stand-up with you and then you can do the whole show yes I'm not kidding he will love it and then the two of you can talk about this

disgusting thing but be sure to invite the people I won't be there we're just talking about taking chips that's all you guys will talk the size of it a bigger how long it lasts she's right who didn't maybe you find somebody who thinks it's funny oh well so what he farted and what he farted when he farted in church did people move no they turned around that was embarrassing so just in case in case you are just tuning in tuning in or listening to this podcast and you didn't listen to the previous one she explained on the last one that they were in church I think on Easter yeah and he farted and it was so strong she was like oh my god and then people were turning around and she asked him if he farted

and he said no and she was like well these people somebody did and then he started to laugh because he did fart of course like was clearing out the aisle basically and she's totally embarrassed by it that's so funny they turn around look at you no they turn around like where is this coming from and you know it's good people I think she did that I mean why does he ah no then he left he got up after that one uh five minutes he got up step on the side so everybody can watch him and come back I think the smell came again and said you did it again he said you have to didn't you notice I stepped back and I said but everybody's watching you getting off the the how do you say the the pio the pio take two steps

fart and come back at least go outside do you realize what he did so okay so what he did was the first time he lied about it he farted and she was like what is that awful smell and then he admits oh that was me and then since he got a verbal lashing from her what he did was when he had to fart again he stepped out into the aisle oh my god farted and then sat back in the seat and she's like did you just fart again he's like yeah but I stepped out there but he stepped two feet away like he just walked it's like if I walk over there and I just fart over there I go yeah but I farted over there and he's like didn't I do the right but it is mine he followed the rules he followed he's like I didn't fart here I farted over there what he was supposed to do buddy I

farted 24 inches from here oh my god if you know no no no let the people in church know I'm the one who's doing it he moved two feet away far did he came back one to the way one foot one it's like you're at the end of the the pio and you step out yes I mean I come back so what he did is announced it now now there is no given out now everybody knows who did it jeez they must have smelled horrendous horrendous horrendous and I don't know if there is another word in English but we might have that one but she can't even find the word now picture this in the bed oh my god in bed yeah oh no tell me you are sleeping and then all of a sudden a horrible smell wakes you up

I think I know can you up before oh yes oh my oh my god picture how that is if he wakes you up it wakes you up I don't know if that even have you had that happen have I had that happen where you're in a deep slump like the middle of the sleep I'm living with top dog junior come on we think the apple falls far from the fart tree you gotta be shitting me man what does that happen with us you think that I don't relate to Charo in a fundamental way like this is the story of my life too this is why I can't laugh at it I mean it's so it's so close to home I come on boo I have woken up from you rip you wake me up farting every morning no that's not what we're talking about that's different smell she's talking about she's talking about being in a sleep a slumber

like duh you're out yeah the smell hits you and you go of course what was it when when does that happen a lot you wake up just a shit you think that you haven't farted and woke me up man that's I wake up I'm like I'm gonna go take a shit and I wake you from getting the physical act of getting out of bed I'm talking about just the smell hitting your nose while you're in a deep sleep and you're being like holy shit what is that that's happened a lot come on it's happened I don't want to say that it's never happened because you can't specify one really you know what it reminds me of when I was in Afghanistan in kandahar every now and then a waft of sewage would come through my clue my contained living unit and it's because there was a poo pond in kandahar

and that is similar to sleeping next door to you where all of a sudden I'll wake up in a panic like am I in Afghanistan and then no it's just Tom's farts that is so rude was all right rude oh I know that I've I've shared a child room with him where I've not believed the room I said I came it's like like we haven't we're wearing a sleeve but I was you know sharing like a room and I just like I through the windows it's not enough I gotta step outside but of course don't forget that they took a chunk of his intestine of his large intestine right yeah it's hot dogs with the cheetos and I can't even come up papay we went to papay for dinner all the papay's chicken papay deep fried chicken oh my god with a mashed potatoes with gravy why are they eating

this oh god with a hot dog in there and giving a creamy soup from one of those places and then we come home and get in bed what do you think is coming out of there just a garbage but just a garbage disposal it's just I don't understand I said God is so good to you that gives you life because it shouldn't be just a fire it should be one of these places going to be a heart attack oh man I don't say that no it scares me to death don't forget he has a problem with his heart to me I know so you better you gotta you gotta have them why do you even let a stop go to papay's chicken you can't that day the what happened is we went to the church the the mass was at 5 30 and he saw what was going to be full so he made me be there at 5 and he finished at 7 30 oh my god two and a half

hours there and he says I'm starving and the truth is I was too yeah okay well let's stop some place the closest place to the church was papay's and the track drivers are nuts and the why the track drivers because it's one of those places where the track drivers stop what is that called yeah yeah like a truck stop yeah yeah it's a track stop it's a gas station and papay's and us and them and them and so you guys had that and then the force just started coming oh my god and then of course you feel full because you ate so well but let's be in bed and watch another killing another killing did you notice after after he had the intestines removed that he did the farts got worse did they get worse yeah of course oh they did oh wow yeah at the beginning he didn't because

he was eating extremely healthy he was scared to death so it was working great he lost weight he looked great and there's no smell in the house once he feels completely recovered okay let's do one again so your dad basically had half his intestines removed right and then for a while was like i better play this safe yeah this is 25 years ago sure and then so one day he's like i just fuck it let's go to papa well i think it's like you know you're real scared after a major surgery of course he was taking it probably really easily and then really easy and then when he's like oh like i'm not like it's not gonna rip a hole in me you slowly get into like let's have a steak let's have a varsity level right yeah exactly and then he's at papa right i don't

even eat a papa i'm papa's would destroy me and i'm pretty strong yeah i don't i don't eat that shit either man i eat some fucking high octane garbage i've become more of an elitist about eating stuff to you know i mean i'll eat like ethnic yeah cheap shit but i don't eat like the fried shit really anymore that's what i'm saying like i'll go daring yeah we'll do the daring street food yeah all that stuff yeah but like janky shit that that's rough it's hard to digest that it is that's all you know not that we're above it but yeah jesus christ let's see what she says here that's unbelievable man this is cute yeah well um is there anything i love you to do anything you want to say about top dog it's kind of the main attraction of our show the best thing i can say about him is that he's

no man better than him no man better than him in every sense is the best husband anybody can have he really is yeah anybody can have the best friend anybody can have the most loyal employee the most dedicated the most honest human being so other than his heart and well actually if you want to think of it that way he's also the best quarter of any budget that is not in my favor it's lit you can put on your list but for me in every sense there is no man better than him there is it can you say i love will you say i love top dog yeah love him to pieces say it though i love top dog to pieces there is no man in this world like him and i love him love him love him love him love him i love you mom i love you okay i love you okay bye love your

family there's mommy to giving you the inside scoop on top dog and his farts and also saying that she loves him very much can you believe that that's his that's her one gripe with top dog is the farts that's it man poor guy well you know we were talking about though too which we should bring up is how bad like dad's mouth smell just it's a something that happens after a certain age you know the first time i think fifty is like the number i think you're right i think fifty a man's mouth i don't know why it's different for a man i don't know but a man's mouth starts to like deteriorate the first two men i can remember like that or when i was in about fifth grade and i had a math teacher and a social studies teacher and i remember them we would be on computers these big fat

fucking computers and they would lean over your shoulder you need to work on this here and change this and when you would turn to their face looking at them say something you were like holy shit it smells like a cadaver took a shit in your mouth and it's like growing like like you know what it smells like i imagine what it smells like what like newly hatched eggs would smell like like it looks like that's the smell of life that's life affirming i think it's i think it's it's a mixture of is what rot like body rot there's rot but there's also yoke and something else going on it's real and then breath in and it becomes your dad your dad's tail yeah and he's not a smoker not smokers neither of our dads no no no my dad too my father cleanest guy you'll ever

know yeah he's a playboy playa playa but there are times when i'm like jesus christ and it's just the age it's i mean my dad does drink like cognac and eat sausage all day your dad eats nothing but sausage i know and like horseradish he has a sausage diet and your dad is like i don't know how he shits 180 pounds and is just like how does he shit yeah and no vegetables like did you just shit glass didn't you ask yeah i did one time no it's fine well no because one time i was hanging out with him yeah he was drinking beers all day and i was drinking too and then i was about to leave and i was like all right i'll see later he's like okay i'm going to go down to the grocery store and get some cognac and i'm like you're gonna polish off the day of beer with some cognac

i'm like you're gonna have dinner he's like yeah i got some sausage i look over the table it's like a hard piece of hungarian colbas yeah with like horseradish and a piece of bread i'm like that's what you're fucking eating i mean i'm surprised he can't take a shit but he does because i said i smell in my whole life i smell this shit this shit's horrible they smell unbelievable oh and and dad shits are like dad everybody's dad's shits are just level and especially my dad like wakes up really early because he you know he like works in a shop and he um he would wake up at like six in the morning dad's diet and take killer shits he doesn't even just have sausage he has colbas like he has hungarian old school like real sausage yeah

like it's not the sausage you buy at the regular store no this isn't like that hillshire farms bullshit it's like turkey this is like chunks of fat you can see animal parts and head cheese he eats head cheese beer colbas cognac yeah and he's like what's up and he's rad and he's still like yeah he's he's in great shape excellent shape yeah he's totally fine but it must be what if he thinks like what his version of a normal shit is like oh my god is our version of the most strenuous shit like if you were go like you know like when you grab the side of the bowl and you squeeze he's like yeah that's every day like that's what i do and you're like no it's not supposed to be like that and he's like that's a normal shit you just you grab the side of the

bowl i don't know you close your eyes you squeeze you sweat and he's just like that's a normal swear to the russians yeah i but my dad i do know this is that it smells horrendous because i've smelled this shit my whole life and and he reads like a lot like my dad only reads like world war two books books about the russians yeah so like he reads he'll read like chapters and steinbeck he loves steinbeck oh no sorry sorry hemmingway hemmingway yeah hemmingway and world war two novels in the shitter and he reads like full novels so it's not coming out quickly it's not like me where i'm like i got a shit and then i go shit and i come back immediately so something is really wrong in brown town with my dad yeah god bless him god dad eat some vegetables

for fuck's sake just some vegetables just a vegetable man god damn it i gotta trick him into it like a kid you know what i mean where you gotta pour like velvita on the broccoli of course you won't eat it of course you won't eat it my dad eats like he'll get like a salad and then just drench it in like thousand islands of course i like thousand island this is good of course well there's something about that we gotta get our dads to start flossing and i know i've talked to my dad and like just like hey man like you know what i mean like you lean in like i wanted to ask you something and then he's like answering me i'll be like dude you need to get like some like a mint or something in your mouth right but a mint won't help right he's like but for real i'm like that's

really strong he's like okay yeah but i feel like the the mint is it's beyond mints yeah yeah no it is it's a smell from inside it is and do you think your mom like how does your mom kiss that mouth well it's not a it's not a 24 seven like just just rot mouth it's just it's you know i mean there's like an ebb and flow there's waves to it there's a time of day yeah dad mouth comes exactly yeah dad mouth is like a sunset it's i did it happens like once a day yeah you know i've totally had him around me where it's not there and other dads too i picked up on it from other men that are in that 50 to 70 i know i know what time of day it is because i had a boss it's that what's that witching hour it's the witching hour yeah yeah man that's it it's like it's like end of the

work day end of the work day mouth that's what it is and you can it's like deep down inside and my dad and your dad don't smoke but i can only imagine if you're a six-year-old man and you smoke too that's gotta be just straight up gutter mouth that's gotta be do women's mouth do women do mom i don't remember i don't i don't feel like i can't tell you that my mom i i can never smell that from my mother no that's a dude thing that's men that's a that is a straight yeah dude dudes have bad mouth and bad shits but what do moms have i don't know moms don't really smell bad no moms don't smell bad thank god moms have like soggy titties soggy tits it's the same thing i was thinking really i was holding on to it i wasn't saying it you can say it i was thinking it for

like 30 seconds yeah they got low swinging tits low swingers hangers you got swingers down there that's a mom thing i like those waist those waist high titties i'm gonna have them babe i know i know get ready i want them you know what i like mom titties my mother has a huge big old tits yeah every woman in my family is yeah my cousins my grandmother had a huge rack and i remember my mother used to wear like a tube top around the house in the summertime yeah with no bra obviously because it was just the two of us at home and man she would get up and i would just look at those hangers and i would think to myself when i was a little girl if i ever have tits this big i don't know what i'm gonna do with myself my mother fucker yeah you got them so spready are mine

as spready they're not like mom no not yet but they're gonna be there they're gonna be big old hangers one day they're swinging down there just like your balls my balls are starting to hang a little lower a little bit lower at 33 already yeah they're starting to hang a little lower than they did at 21 well you know they're not like they're not splashing the water yet but you're a man now you're a 33 year old man because you're 33 years old it was my smurf day and you know that's the kind of shit that doesn't love this song well um we love you guys love you mommies we got another episode coming this week yes sir it's gonna air probably friday or saturday but uh be sure to check that out if you don't already subscribe to us that's right on itunes if you're an itunes

listener subscribe to us hit that subscribe button it'll automatically download for you and if you love us and want to do something totally free you can rate and star and review us and just tell the world how much you love your two mommies we'll see you soon and get rid of that dad mouth make sure you floss use mouthwash brush a few times today bye mommies oh